#because he is literally the only doctor who takes my insurance and operates on over 40 bmi

[glompcat]

Made a consult appointment with the top surgeon I met with in 2022 and did not like.

I'm seeing him on Jan 2nd (such a short turn around! I made the appointment today!), here's hoping last time he was just having an off day and he comes across better this time

[helloalycia]

girl next door [three] // wanda maximoff

summary: the time has come where you realise your boyfriend just isn’t worth it, and your neighbour may or may not be an Avenger

warning/s: none i don’t think??

author’s note: part 3 is here! I kinda got carried away and wrote two more parts so my bad, but i hope you like it!

part one | part two | part four | part five | masterlist | wattpad

I couldn't be bothered with today. I just wasn't in the mood to go to work, so of course, I procrastinated as much as I could in the morning until it was finally time for me to get out of bed without being late.

Teddy had fallen asleep here last night after we watched a film, but he left earlier for work, so it was just me. I knew I had to break it off with him, it was time. But I didn't know how to tell him without hurting him. So, I was cowardly in that sense, which was only worse because I was leading him on. I'll find a way to say something soon, I promised myself as I took my clothes off and wrapped a towel around myself.

When I headed to the bathroom, I immediately slipped on the wet floor that only one person could have left behind. But, unlike the many times I had done so, I wasn't able to catch myself and instead fell on my leg, hearing a deadly crack noise, forcing a scream from my lips.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," I got out through gritted teeth, tears slipping from my eyes. The pain was unbearable and as I looked to my leg, I knew something was wrong because it instantly began to swell up and change colour.

Taking deep breaths to get through the pain, I tried not to imagine the several ways I was going to skin Teddy alive. He was so ignorant! How many times did I have to explain to him how dangerous it was to leave the floor wet?!

"It's okay, Y/N, you're okay," I told myself, before stretching and grabbing my phone from the side.

A striking pain shot up my leg and I suddenly felt nauseous, unable to deal with it. Swallowing hard, I called Teddy to give him a piece of my mind but also ask for his help since I couldn't move. Unfortunately for me, it went to fucking voicemail making me scream with frustration. I clenched my jaw as I tried to stand up myself, but more tears rolled down my cheeks as I accepted I was stuck.

The next person who came to mind was Wanda. If I was lucky and she wasn't at work, she'd be able to help me up and get me to a hospital.

I called her next and thankfully, unlike the arsehole that was my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, she answered.

"Hey, Y/N!"

I breathed out as calmly as I could. "Hi, Wanda. I, er, I need your help."

"Everything okay?" she asked with concern.

I nodded, though I felt really sick as I tried to avoid looking at my leg. "Yeah, well– no. This is really embarrassing, but I slipped on the bathroom floor and I think my leg is broken. Please can you come 'round and help me up?"

"Shit, Y/N, of course!" she exclaimed.

"Thanks," I got out breathily. "Spare key is taped under the plant pot outside my door."

"Just hold on," she insisted, before hanging up.

I dropped my phone to the side and glanced down at myself, definitely embarrassed that I was sat here in my underwear and bra, but also glad that I wasn't completely naked.

As promised, Wanda came as soon as possible and I heard her approaching the bathroom before she squeaked and covered her eyes.

"S-sorry!" she said, flustered. "I didn't mean to look. I just–"

"Wanda, you need to see if you're to help me up," I said as nicely as I could without snapping from the pent up anger reserved for Teddy.

She removed her hand, though her eyes wouldn't meet mine. "Right, yeah, duh. Okay, er..."

Successfully, she managed to lift me up and let me use her for support as we limped to my bed and I took a seat.

"Can you pass me my–"

"Clothes, right," she caught on, still not meeting my eyes, before moving around the room to grab a shirt and shorts.

I put my shirt on with ease, but she had to help me with my shorts as I tried my very hardest not to cry from the pain. My leg, or rather my knee, was turning a yellow-purple colour pretty quickly, making me flinch.

"How did this happen?" she asked with worry, gaze falling to my leg.

I clenched my jaw. "My stupid fucking boyfriend. I've told him so many fucking times to mop the damn floor! And he always says okay, but he never does! Oh, boy, when I get my hands on him, he's gonna wish he'd never been born!"

"Y/N–"

"And can you believe he has the audacity to have his damn phone switched off?! I could be dying and he wouldn't even know! That selfish, ignorant son of a–"

"Y/N!" she called, snapping me out of my rant. "Hospital."

"Right, hospital," I agreed. "No ambulances because they're way too expensive. Maybe you can get me down to a taxi and I'll take it from there?"

She raised her eyebrows with disbelief. "You're kidding, right?"

I mirrored her expression. "Er, no? Ambulances are like $700, and even with my insurance that's like $400. Taxis are, what, twenty bucks?"

She wasn't convinced as she crossed her arms and stared at me with uncertainty. I sighed and tried to stand up, but I pulled a face at the pain. She was quick to help me stand, giving me support on my right side.

"This is gonna take a while," I mumbled, biting back annoyance.

"Don't hate me," she said suddenly.

I looked to her, furrowing my brows. "What are you talking about?"

She avoided my gaze and instead swept me off my feet quite literally, taking me by surprise. I wrapped my arms around her neck on instinct, eyes widening as she held me close, bridal-style.

"Wanda, you can't just carry me like this," I said, though I was surprised at how strong she was.

She ignored me and walked out the bedroom before stopping at the fire escape. I gripped her tightly, wondering what the heck was going on. There was a hint of red in her eyes, startling me, before I noticed the two of us rising into the air. Levitation, to be exact.

"Woah!" I shouted, holding her as tightly as I could. "What the hell?! How–?! What–?!"

As she flew us away from our building, there was a red hue floating all around us, like an energy I'd never seen before. Except it seemed familiar... and that's when I put it together.

"You're that Avenger!" I blurted out. "The witch, the one with all the magical powers! You're– you're– Oh my God."

She frowned, eyes darting to mine apologetically. "I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

I swallowed hard, fearfully glancing over her shoulder at the clouds interwoven with the tall buildings of New York. Never in a million years did I think I'd be flying amongst them, with an Avenger nonetheless. She'd fought at the battle of New York, I remembered seeing her on the TV. She was dubbed an official Avenger not long after, but then coverage of her went quiet... because she'd moved away. It made so much sense now!

"I knew I recognised you," I said with disbelief, studying her face closely as I now knew who she was.

Her eyes still had a red hue surrounding her irises, matching the energy surrounding us as she flew us to, presumably, the hospital.

"I didn't intend to hide it," she explained guiltily. "I thought you'd figure it out. But then you didn't and it... it just never felt right to bring it up."

I thought back to the random hours she worked, the spontaneity of being called in for her shifts, her whole backstory for crying out loud... how stupid could I be?

"This... this is a conversation we should have," I said, nodding slowly, "but maybe not right now."

"Right, yeah." She nodded in agreement, jaw tensed as she stared ahead. "Just hang on."

–

After getting an x-ray at the hospital, the doctor told me I'd need to go into surgery so they could realign my knee – it wasn't anything concerning, but I wasn't exactly over the moon about it.

I returned to the hospital room to find Wanda had been waiting for me. I'd say I was surprised, but I was more grateful that she stayed. We hadn't had a moment to speak about her whole Avenger situation, and she was oddly quiet about the whole thing, so I decided to ease it into conversation whilst waiting for the doctors to return to prep me for surgery.

"You know, you didn't have to stay," I said to her, watching as she distracted herself with the stuff on the bedside table. "It's only a broken leg."

She stopped whatever she was doing and gave me a knowing look. "It's not only a broken leg. And I just thought you might like the company. Who else is going to make sure you're okay?"

I offered her a small smile. "Thank you. But the surgery is gonna take a while. I'll head home after and catch up with you then."

She seemed against the idea, but said nothing, before resuming whatever she was messing around with. The tissue box, I think.

"So... magic, huh?"

She swallowed visibly. "It's, er, not magic... at least, not exactly."

I hummed in acknowledgement, still adjusting to the fact that she had actual powers. It was amazing and unusual all at once.

"It's okay that you didn't tell me you know," I said gently, making her glance at me. "You apologised earlier. Back when we were–" I breathed out, still in mild disbelief, "–well, flying. You didn't need to. You don't have to be sorry about anything, Wanda."

She frowned. "But I lied to you."

Her Sokovian accent was more noticeable when she was upset, I noted. I wondered if she realised.

"You didn't lie, per say... more like bent the truth," I tried to make her feel better, stifling a laugh. "Either way, it's alright. Well, for me anyway. I don't know if you wanted to tell me or–"

"I did," she cut in with nod, eyes focused on me. "I wanted to."

I hoped she couldn't hear the way my heart rate picked up a little. "Okay, then I don't see a problem. You're still the same Wanda, just with a little something extra, right?"

Her shoulders relaxed and a small smile tugged at her lips. "Right."

I mirrored her expression, holding her gaze for a moment longer than necessary, before tearing away when I heard the doctor enter the room. After prepping me for surgery, I headed off into the operating room and made sure Wanda knew she didn't have to be there when I came back.

They put me under, so I wasn't awake until several hours later when I woke up to horribly bright, fluorescent hospital lighting and the accompanying nasty disinfectant smell filling the room. The first thing I noticed was the giant cast on my leg, followed by the sleeping brunette in the corner of the room that was Wanda. I would have questioned why she was there as my first thought, but I couldn't help but take notice of the lovely room I was in – for starters, it wasn't shared with other patients like I expected.

"Wanda," I called, my voice rough-sounding, but she didn't stir in the slightest.

I chewed on my lip as I found the remote that controlled my bed, using it so I could sit up. I was able to grab the water on my bedside table and take a few sips before calling for her again, sounding a lot better. To my relief, she began to wake up, eyes blinking open and looking around with confusion before realisation crossed her face and she settled on me.

"You're up!" she exclaimed, before a yawn escaped her lips.

"And you're here," I returned, hinting my confusion.

"I told you I was staying," she reminded me, before standing up and approaching my bedside. "Had to make sure you were okay. And obviously to help you home. By taxi, not flying, don't worry."

I smiled at her caring nature, expression softening at how cute she was.

"Also, before you ask," she added, "your hospital bills are taken care of. Hence the room."

I lost my smile, eyebrows raising. "Come again?"

She sat at the edge of my bed, getting comfortable as she looked out the window opposite us. "I didn't want you worrying about it, especially when none of this was your fault, so I called in a favour at the Avenger's compound. Tony owed me."

I almost forgot how to breathe as my eyes widened. "Tony Stark? The Tony Stark? He's paying for my hospital bills?"

She looked to me, a hint of panic in her eyes. "I hope that's okay. I mean, I knew you would say no, but I feel like I should've done something. You've done so much for me and it was only fair."

"I can't believe..." I trailed off, losing track of what I was going to say, still shocked. It made sense with her being an Avenger, but it was still hard to believe.

"You still with me?" she joked, her hand resting on mine.

I cleared my throat, ignoring the warmth from her skin touching mine. "Yeah, sorry. I just– wow. Still digesting is all."

"Don't worry too much about it," she said gently.

I nodded weakly, swallowing hard and avoiding her gaze.

"I should go get the doctor and let her know you're awake," she said, letting go of my hand. "You okay on your own for a minute?"

"Yeah, of course. Thanks."

After a chat with the doctor and an explanation of how everything would play out from here, I was getting ready to leave for home. I got changed out of the annoying hospital gown in the bathroom attached to my hospital room (another perk of Tony Stark paying for my bills – no shared toilet) and was in the middle of adjusting to my crutches in my room when there was a knock on the door.

Wanda and I paused as we looked up, and I was about to say for whoever it was to come in, but the person came in quickly and without waiting. To my bitterness, it was Teddy of all people.

"Oh my god, Y/N, there you are!" he exclaimed upon seeing me. "I got your message, both of them. I was so worried!"

In addition to the message I'd left him when breaking my leg, I also left him another before the surgery to see if he actually cared enough to check in. Clearly not.

I gripped my crutches to get out my frustration. "It took you long enough. I went into surgery five hours ago."

He scratched his head awkwardly. "I was at work."

I rolled my eyes, promising myself I wouldn't snap, but the annoyance of everything happening was building up and I couldn't help but blurt out, "I told you to mop up when you freakin' showered, Teddy!"

"I did!"

"No, you didn't!" I shouted, raising my voice. "If you did, I wouldn't be in this fucking cast!"'

He winced. "Are you, er, sure that it was the water that you slipped on?"

I clenched my jaw, knuckles turning white from how hard I was gripping my crutches. I didn't care that I was temporarily crippled, all I could see was red.

"Am I sure?" I repeated his question, tone laced with anger. "Am I sure?!"

I attempted to lunge forward, but Wanda seemed to know what I was thinking before I did it, holding me back suddenly.

"Y/N, just leave it," she mumbled, eyes meeting mine.

Something about the way she looked at me made my anger temporarily melt away, and I almost forgot why I was mad, until...

"Who are you?" Teddy asked with confusion.

Wanda and I looked to him, figuring he was just being his usual rude self, but he genuinely had no idea who she was as he studied her curiously.

She blinked with disbelief. "Wanda....?"

He waved his hand, motioning for her to say more.

Wanda raised a brow with offence. "Y/N's neighbour...?"

He pursed his lips, eyes squinted with thought.

Wanda almost scoffed. "Really? You got nothing?"

He chewed on his lip, genuinely stumped, and I couldn't help but groan with frustration, earning his attention.

"Of course you don't know who she is!" I glared at him. "You don't listen to a word I say! Not about this, not about mopping the floor–!"

"Y/N, just calm down!" he cut me off, only adding fuel to the fire.

"No," I said sternly, before nodding to the door behind him. "You can leave. You have no need to be here since we're not together anymore."

He raised his eyebrows with shock. "Seriously? You're breaking up with me? For what?"

I breathed out through my nose, genuinely stunned at how I managed to stay with him this long without either losing my mind or killing him. I could swear he wasn't this stupid when I met him.

His eyes fell to Wanda with distaste. "Is it because of her?"

"Did you actually manage to get stupider since this morning?" I asked, though I already knew the answer.

"Because I totally accepted when you said you were bisexual," he continued, "but I didn't think you'd actually leave me for a woman."

I pressed my lips together, looking to my shoes as I tried to talk myself out of not killing him there and then. The fact that he was blaming the breakup on anyone but himself was disappointing but not surprising.

"Can you leave now?" I finally spoke, looking up to him with expressionless eyes.

His smile of disbelief turned into a scoff as he headed for the door. "Whatever. Your roast lamb is shit anyway."

I scrunched my face together with annoyance, unable to stop myself from yelling, "No it isn't!" as he walked out the door.

Unexpectedly, I saw the familiar red wisps of energy by the door before it suddenly slammed shut, smacking Teddy in the butt and propelling him forward with a start. He turned around to look through the glass, expecting to blame someone, but Wanda and I were nowhere near the door, so he glared our way before storming off.

"Sorry," Wanda said, referring to the door, lowering her hand and red eyes returning to normal. "He's just a real dickhead."

I tried not to laugh as I nodded in agreement, already feeling better. "You're not wrong there..." I sighed, losing my smile as I gave her an apologetic glance. "I'm sorry for everything he said. Again."

Wanda rolled her eyes dismissively, shrugging her shoulders. "You should really stop apologising on his behalf. Especially since he's not your boyfriend anymore."

I relaxed my shoulders, leaning against the bed and looking to the floor. "Yeah, you're right... I just can't believe I put up with him this long."

Wanda didn't respond, but I heard her make a weird noise before she fake-coughed terribly, making me look up. Trying ever-so-hard to suppress a smile, she shook her head apologetically when she realised I noticed.

"Sorry, I– it's not funny," she attempted.

I smiled with amusement. "What?"

She licked her lips, before giving into her smile. "I just– I can't believe it either sometimes."

I breathed out with defeat, my smile turning into laughter alongside her. Eventually, she continued to help me with my crutches before I got the hang of it and the two of us began to leave the hospital. On the way out though, a random thought dawned on me and I stopped walking suddenly.

"What is it?" she asked worriedly.

I looked to her with curiosity. "That guy who stopped by your place a while ago. Your friend. Are you telling me that was–"

"Captain America?" she filled in with an amused smile. "Yeah."

"Woah." I was amazed, eyebrows raised as I let that sink in. I spoke to the Captain America and even implied he was a stalker. Woah.

"Come on, idiot," she laughed before leading me out the hospital, finally.

–

Breaking up with Teddy was long overdue, and whereas I thought I would feel bad for doing so, it was quite the opposite. I felt better, freer, unrestrained by the stupidity that was my ex. It was a few days after leaving the hospital when I found myself sitting on the couch with Wanda. She'd been helping me during my recovery, even though I insisted I was fine alone. She, of course, didn't listen though, and I was secretly glad because it meant I could spend more time with her.

"What about that fork? Can you move that?"

Wanda gave me a knowing look from the other end of the couch, amusement knitted in her smile. "Yes, Y/N."

To prove her point, her eyes glowed red and she flicked her hand, raising the fork on the dining table up in the air before setting it down.

I was amazed. "What about that cushion?"

She stifled a laugh before levitating the cushion between us and setting it down.

"And that book?"

"I have other powers, too, y'know," she pointed out, but levitated the book nonetheless.

I grinned. "Yeah, like flying."

She nodded in agreement. "Yeah, like that..."

And this.

"Woah!" I said with a start, eyebrows raised with surprise. "Did you just– what?!"

She laughed, the sound sending a swirl of butterflies in my stomach. Her eyes sparkled as she met my gaze, amused by my amazement.

"You can speak in my mind?" I asked in bewilderment.

"I can read minds, too," she continued.

"Wow." I breathed out, still not used to her having powers. Suddenly a thought came to mind and I glanced at her. "Have you, er, read my mind?"

"Never," she assured me, before adding with a head tilt, "at least not on purpose. Sometimes, if somebody's thoughts are too loud, I can't help but hear it."

I felt my face heating up as I avoided her eyes. "But my thoughts are quiet... right?"

Every potentially-embarrassing thought I'd ever had, including those I'd had of Wanda, came to mind and I suddenly grew nervous to her answer.

"Er, well, I mean..."

I looked to her when I heard her forming an answer, but the look on her face told me she had heard my thoughts at times and I ran a hand down my face with embarrassment.

"I promise it's never anything embarrassing or anything," she tried to make me feel better.

I groaned quietly, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Hey, I promise," she said with reassurance, before I felt her rest a hand on mine and squeeze it gently.

"What was the last thing you heard?" I asked, trying to veil my curiosity with a shrug.

I felt her gaze on me and looked her way to see green eyes sparkling with amusement. "Mostly you cursing at your ex."

Cracking a smile, I nodded. "Okay, maybe that's fine then..."

Her laughter surrounded us again and she let go of my hand before pulling her legs up on the couch to get comfortable and face me. She watched me with an endearing smile, making me unusually nervous.

"So, what other things can you do with your powers?" I asked, partially curious and partially trying to distract from my nerves.

She studied her right hand, red energy wisps at the tip of her fingers. "I can... I can throw energy balls," she remembered, looking to me before smiling, "but I won't demonstrate that since I'm sure you love your curtains."

"That I do," I said in agreement, leaning on the back cushion with my elbow as I faced her better.

"I can also manipulate thoughts, but once again, I'm sure you won't want a demonstration." She chuckled as she saw my change of expression.

"Yeah, no thank you," I said jokingly.

She pressed her lips together, thinking of what else she could do, but her smile faded into a thin line as a dark thought seemed to cross her mind.

"My brother had powers, too," she said quietly. "Super speed."

Since finding out who she was, I tried to piece together Wanda's background without bringing it up to her for fear it would upset her. It made a lot more sense why she'd moved next door now that I knew who she was, but she hadn't once brought up her family again until, well, until now.

"Pietro," I said, hoping I'd got his name correct. "Right?"

She nodded, lowering her hand and looking to me. "Yeah, that's him... he also had powers. It was actually what got him killed." She barely flinched as she spoke. "He saved someone's life in the battle against Ultron."

I sensed her sadness when her gaze softened as she finished speaking, and my heart ached now that I knew the truth.

"You don't have to tell me, Wanda," I said gently, hoping she didn't feel obligated to.

"No, no...," she shook her head, "it's nice to finally be able to tell you the truth. The whole truth. Not some rendition of it."

I nodded, relaxing under her stare. I was glad, too, to know she trusted me with such sensitive information about her life. It made me feel important, kind of like confirmation that I meant as much to her as she did to me.

"Do you think you're gonna go back to the Avengers tower anytime soon?" I asked. "I know you mentioned living here was temporary, so..."

It was selfish of me to think, but I hoped the answer was no. She hadn't said, but I gathered she hadn't been fulfilling her role as an Avenger as much as she should have been, as she was still on a break from there since grieving for her brother. But she seemed better than she did when she first got here, and if that meant she was going to go back there... I hoped it didn't, selfishly enough. I know the world needed another hero, but, I mean, did they?

"Trying to get rid of me already?" she teased, quirking a brow, making me smile with embarrassment. She noticed and added, "I'm kidding, Y/N. But to answer your question, no, not yet. Maybe not ever. I thought I would be here to get away from them whilst I grieved, but I've come to like it here. It's become my new home. I can still help them and not stay there."

I tried to resist the urge to smile like a weirdo. "Oh, cool. Yeah, I get you."

Calm on the outside, but over the moon on the inside.

"Though I may have to reconsider if my neighbour keeps using me like a carnival attraction," she added playfully.

I laughed, putting my hair behind my ear as I shrugged. "I'm sorry, I can't help it. It's just so cool that you have powers!" She laughed quietly, making my smile widen. I continued without thinking, "Plus, your eyes go this pretty red colour whenever you use them and I just think that's pretty neat."

She rolled her eyes playfully, but I was surprised to see her cheeks turn the colour of said powers. God, she was stunning. I was sure I'd always known that, but maybe I'd never acknowledged the thought. Now though... she was adorable when she bit back a smile and her hazel eyes sparkled with distraction.

Suddenly remembering the beautiful girl before me had the ability to read minds, I cleared my throat and tried to debate whether or not that would be classed as a 'loud' thought. I'd liked to think it wasn't, but now I wasn't so sure... what if this was a loud thought? And she could actually hear everything I was saying about her in my head? Oh, no... I was definitely overthinking this. It was nothing to worry about.

"You okay over there? I can practically read your mind."

I looked up and saw she was teasing again, though now that I knew she had powers, those words carried a double meaning.

"Yeah, yeah, sure you can," I played along dismissively. "Nice try, Wanda."

She shrugged, laughter slipping from her lips. "Okay, whatever you say."

Nah, she was definitely playing me... right?

[bunny-wk-fanfic]

Some News & Explanations

So, it's been a while, near a year I think, since I last posted anything really 'major' here or anywhere else. I did share a few pieces over on FF.net, but I wanted to explain the reason I was basically MIA for the past year.

2020 started off on a bad note for me and my family, which had nothing to do with the pandemic. Nearing the end of 2019, we noticed that my grandfather was not doing so well, and after learning that he had suffered a stroke and told no one, not even our family doctor, things quickly went south. Multiple tests were done, and each time he got worse and worse, until finally after New Years, he was finally diagnosed with ALS. Now those of you who don't know, it's a crippling disease. If you're young, you have a chance at a long life with treatment and medicine. If you're over 50, it's aggressive, quick, and painful. We literally watched my grandfather whither away for three months before he finally passed away in March.

March 2020 was shitty all around. My grandfather passed, his funeral was held a week later, although it had been delayed as Corona had just been declared as a pandemic so heavy lockdowns had been put into effect here in Germany. And to add insult to injury, some ass used a 'legal loophole' to swindle money out of me by claiming I was parked on private property. I did pay it, forgetting I did have insurance/coverage to help me for such situations, but when you're in mourning, thought process is pretty much nonexistent.

April 2020 was the first time I was affected by the pandemic as the company I was working with at the time had to close for two weeks since a few workers had tested positive as well as a lack of workers since some did come from France but were unable to cross the boarder due to the harsh lockdowns.

May 2020 things were looking a little on the bright side as I could officially move into my now apartment. Not only due to the fact that my sister finally found her own apartment close to where she was going to school and work, but because city hall was once again open and I could register to be a citizen of the city. Only to discover the apartment not only had water damage, but mold as well. Which was made worse since the landlord mentioned he did not have house insurance. Which is a big No-No here in Germany. Regardless if you live in the space or not, if you own it, you are required to have it insured in your name. Let's just say it made fixing it up and getting paid due to damages was made difficult because of his lack of insurance.

June 2020 I was once again living with my parents since the apartment needed to be cleaned and dehumidified. So, I was under stress since I was living out of their office and out of a duffle bag.

July 2020 I could finally move into the apartment and register with the city. Along with getting house insurance, since, as a tenant, I would need that, and it would help should any other issues crop up.

August 2020 I had to go through the process of quitting with the temp firm in order to be signed on officially with the company I was working with/for. It was a process as I was constantly asked for various forms of my resignation letters as well as various forms of sending it in.

September 2020 my car broke down. I could drive maybe for 15 minutes before the engine overheated. Which was enough time to get from work, to my parents, and from their place to our mechanic. He shared with me that the cooling system for the engine was basically leaking. It could be fixed for anywhere between 1000 - 2000 €, but with how old the car was, it wasn't worth it since he spotted other issues that would later cause problems that would either need to be fixed or replaced altogether. For an imported car from the US, it would be a timely and costly in the long run, so I needed to buy a new car.

October 2020 finally got a new (used) car which I'm happy with, still am to this day. Only to be laid off at the end of the month. The reason being was the low numbers of our product from the year; not just due to the pandemic, but also from a fire happening at a sister factory that slowed in us getting the supplies needed for us in production. All of which they had known since September, when they hired me on.

November 2020 went back to the temp company and immediately got a new job. Along with that, the restrictions that had been slightly lifted during the summer were once again in effect, along with a curfew.

December 2020 was actually calm, and I used this time to finally relax with my family.

January - March 2021 basically this is Germany's tax season, and I discovered that my temp company failed to give me my tax papers, so running around there. I was mostly quiet during this time, so I had planned on returning to both here and fanfic in general as I was comfortable with the company I was working with. Until they announced that they would be closing the location I was working at and moving their operation to a city that is literally in the middle of nowhere and would take me some 2 hours to travel to get there.

April 2020 was spent negotiating a new place to work with my temp company.

May - June 2020 a new job, a bit further away than I would have liked, but the work was alright and my coworkers were sociable. Until I was let go. And this was with the company lying to my temp firm, that I was caught playing on my phone during working hours. Which is impossible when you're working on a machine that needs to be watched, otherwise it was likely to jam. I learned the truth when I went in the next day to return my time-stamp chip that it was due to the reason that the next week there wouldn't be enough work to keep me. My temp firm said they might cross the company off their list of potential partners when I shared that bit of information, along with a few other details.

July - August 2020 so new job, closer to home, better pay, and with a few old coworkers from the company that wanted to close shop and move away. (I later learned they want to return back down to the area I live in, so, who knows what's going on with the higher ups). My family and I are also in the process of changing insurance brokers, as our old one was swindling us out of money, which we wouldn't have known if he had bothered to take the time to reply to our calls or messages or simply let us know that he wouldn't be in his office at certain times for whatever reason. Seriously, a simple 'I'm currently unavailable today, please contact me tomorrow' or 'I'll be out of office between XX to XX. Please wait until I return to ask any questions or address any issues' would have been better than waiting weeks to a month for a reply of any kind.

I'm sure I've explained this at least at some points during the past year, but then things just kept happening. Which then postponed and delayed my return more and more. I humbly apologize because of this and I ask for everyone's forgiveness. I do hope to return sooner rather than later, and if things continue to look as positive as they have these past two months, it looks like I'll finally be able to do so.

TM;DR 2020 sucked for more than just because of the pandemic, and hopefully I'll return sooner rather than later.

[fhmns]

ATTENTION

IF YOU ARE READING THIS MESSAGE YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED AS A NEW ALLY OF THE FLY HIGH MAFIA NETWORKING SYSTEM (FHMNS) IF YOU READ TO THE END OF THIS YOU WILL BE SELECTED AS A NEW RECRUIT:

Welcome.

My name is SSFIKN.1 and I will be your guide to the FLY HIGH MAFIA NETWORKING SYSTEM.

In this post, I will be covering the basic information for new recruits, such as you reading this post currently. I will go over topics such as:

-BRANCHES/TEAMS

-CAPTAINS

-ROLES

Let's start with the TEAM in the most power.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The term TEAM(S) and BRANCH(ES) are interchangeable.

AOBA JOSAI/SEIJOH: The main team. They oversee any operations, and are the main bargainers when it comes to trading, and making smooth transactions between other agencies.

Iwazumi Hajime is the bodyguard for the CAPTAIN of Aoba Josai, Oikawa Toru.

Oikawa Toru is the one who holds all the negotiations with other mafia networks, since he is very persuasive and very good at finding loopholes or other things that can guarantee alliances.

Takahiro Hanamaki is in charge of conducting the meetings, if for whatever reason, Oikawa cannot attend.

Matsukawa Issei is in charge of being the bodyguard for Hanamaki, because if Oikawa isn’t attending, Iwazumi has no reason to as well.

Everyone else who’s a part of seijoh is just in charge of getting the materials and items ready for the trade to go smoothly, as well as confirming that they got what was promised to them.

--------- SHIRATORIZAWA: In charge of defense. The CAPTAIN of this team has lost a lot of people, as well as the co-captain, thus they have become very protective of those who are willing to open their arms, and in this case, people have.

Ushijima Wakatoshi is the CAPTAIN of this team, and the person in charge of those on the front lines when enemies attack.

The other two people on the front lines are Tendou Satori and Semi Eita.

Everyone else is in charge of making sure that the other branches are able to make it out safely.

When attacks do occur on the Fly High mafia system, SHIRATORIZAWA joins forces with the branch of Fukurodani to insure that there are as few casualties on their side as there can possibly be.

The members of the SHIRATORIZAWA branch have visited the Karasuno branch many times as a result of their defense, and have become aquatinted quite well with said branch.

--------- FUKURODANI: Fukurodani is in charge of the actual violence. They are to carry out the gunfights and such.

Bokuto Kotaro is the CAPTAIN of his team, and the one in charge of leading his comrades through a fight.

His second in command is Akaashi Keiji, who is in charge of making sure that the plan Nekoma laid out is followed. He keeps everyone’s head on, which is important considering Bokuto more often than not, can get sidetracked by “side quests” that he finds, could also possibly be important.

Konoha Shūichi is in charge of taking those “side quests” Bokuto found, and getting them back to HQ, so that the other branches can determine if it is worth another round of risking their troops lives for or not.

Lastly, Washio Tatsuki is in charge of leading rookies that are part of the Fukurodani team to the end goal. As their senior, he takes it very seriously, and has ended up staying with the Karasuno branch more than enough times because he’s saving one of his kohai’s lives.

--------- INARIZAKI: They are the sneaky ones. They carry out spy missions, whenever Fukurodani is to exhausted, or Nekoma deems that a spy mission is necessary.

Kita Shinsuke is the main spy, and is the one who is more often than not sent out into the field (CAPTAIN).

The second option is Kita is unable to go is Suna Rintaro.

The Miya twins are actors. They infiltrate other systems by going out in pure light and not hiding at all in the slightest, as opposed to the others. Miya Osamu is the main twin who gets sent on missions, as his brother Miya Atsumu has a tendency to lose his temper quite often, and this has nearly cost the mission multiple times.

However, no matter what twin is out in the field, they are always accompanied by Ojiro Aran. After joining the Fly High mafia, he has been shown to be one of the only people who is able to calm Atsumu down, so he’s a very valuable asset.

Everybody else in the Inarizaki branch is in charge of assisting the Fukurodani branch on their missions when needed, which is more likely that they will be than not.

--------- KARASUNO: In charge of medical care. They have very welcoming and caring ppl on their team, so making sure others wounds are taken care of is easy.

Daichi Sawamura (CAPTAIN) and Kiyoko Shimizu head doctor, and Sugawara Koushi is his main assistant.

Asahi Azumane, Yamaguchi Tadashi, and Yachi Hitoka are in charge of moral support and making sure that the patient is fully healed.

Tanaka Ryuunosuke and the other second years are in charge of getting supplies.

Nishinoya Yu and Hinata Shoyo are in charge of getting the people who are injured into the medical room, to have their wounds examined.

Tsukkishima Kei is in charge of research do better understand poisons or other things akin to that that could possibly be used on everyone in the entire system.

KAGEYAMA TOBIO: The newest addition to the Karasuno branch. He has a lot of information on him, this has gotten an entire separate introduction. Kageyama Tobio was originally supposed to be part of the Aoba Josai branch, however, in training, lost the trust of many people. Claimed to be to hostile towards his own allies, which made him suspicious to those around him as to whether or not he was a spy. A jury was held, and Kageyama was almost kicked out of the Fly High Mafia network entirely, but Daichi Sawamura, CAPTAIN of the Karasuno branch offered to take him in. Without any experience in the medical field, Kageyama has yet to learn quite a few things, but is steadily making progress. They have decided that he will work along side Nishinoya Yu and Hinata Shoyo when it comes to getting those who need medical care into the infirmary.

--------- NEKOMA: The strategists. If a trade doesn’t go smoothly, or someone gets kidnapped, obviously the mafia will want to take action to correct the errors. This is where nekoma comes in. Sly like cats, they come up with plans to accomplish the goal at hand to minimize casualties of their own. They could literally care less about the other side.

Kuroo Tetsuro is the CAPTAIN of the team, and the main planner, and Kai Nobuyuki and Yaku Morisuke is his second and third in command.

Kenma Kozume is in charge of hacking things. He hacks into the opponents networks, radio conferences, security camera footage, etc., to make sure that everything is clear for a plan to work.

Fukunaga Shōhei is in charge of delivering the hacking Kenma does to the higher ups, the CAPTAINS.

Haiba Lev, and his sister Haiba Alisa were from a different mafia system before coming to the Fly High mafia system, so they are able to provide insight on how other mafia systems may function, as well as getting allies to help from their previous mafia system, if said system is willing to assist.

Everybody else in charge of finding flaws or loopholes in the plan, and trying to make it as foolproof as they possibly can.

--------- CAPTAINS: Captains are versatile. They can switch branches to assist others. For example, if need be, Bokuto Kotaro of Fukurodani can be placed on the front lines along side Ushijima Wakatoshi, Eita Semi, and Tendou Satori for assistance against enemies. Kuroo Tetsuro can also come assist Karasuno, specifically Tsukkishima Kei, in the medical branch, as he is very intelligent.

--------- BRANCHES: the branches have different abilities and previously shown. However, this doesn’t mean that they are useless in other fields. The Karasuno branch is just as capable of holding themselves high and mighty just like the Fukurodani branch. The Inarizaki branch can very much come up with plans, but it was found that those currently in the Nekoma branch were simply better at doing it.

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE EACH BRANCH. EACH ONE IS DEADLY.

---------

The FLY HIGH MAFIA NETWORKING SYSTEM is still in the midst of making a name for themselves, but are steadily reaching the point of being well known.

By reading all the information about the FLY HIGH MAFIA NETWORKING SYSTEM you have begun becoming a part of it.

Are you ready to join?

[arcticdementor]

In the summer of 2014, I gave birth to a baby boy. He was born with a perfect Apgar score, after a very easy delivery. But my labor had not been smooth—in fact, throughout the day and a half of contractions, I believed there was something decidedly wrong. I also felt that way as I held him for the first time, and he writhed violently under my hands. In a video taken about 10 minutes after he was born, he can be seen lifting his head up off my chest. “Ooooh, look at how advanced he is!” someone can be heard trilling in the background, before her voice is overtaken by my own. “Don’t do that, love,” I say. Then, to the camera: “Does he seem like he’s in pain to you?”

It took my husband and me three years to understand that in fact I was right that day in the delivery room. Our son was hurt. And it will take him years to heal—longer than it should have, and that is on top of the injustice of the original wound—though I thank God every day that we figured it out.

The first breakthrough came when my husband David remembered a book about brain science he had read a decade earlier, by a doctor named Norman Doidge. It changed our lives, by allowing us to properly understand our son’s injury (and to understand why we couldn’t manage to get a straight answer about it from any of the “experts” we had seen). It’s been a tough road, but from that moment on, we at least knew what to do—and why.

A year or so later, we met Doidge and his wife, Karen, for dinner, and it is here that the story may become pertinent for you.

After we ordered, I told Norman I had a question I’d been wanting to ask—and that I wanted his honest answer to it, even if it meant that I had done something wrong. I proceeded to relay to him the entire tale, from the very beginning to that very moment, of what felt to me like our Kafkaesque medical mystery journey.

How was it, I then asked, that it took my husband and me—both children of doctors, both people with reporting and researching backgrounds, among the lucky who have health insurance, and with access through family and friends to what is billed as the best medical care in the country—years to figure this out, and that in the end we only did so basically by accident?

Norman looked at us sympathetically. “I don’t know how else to tell you this but bluntly,” he said. “There are still many good individuals involved in medicine, but the American medical system is profoundly broken. When you look at the rate of medical error—it's now the third leading cause of death in the U.S.—the overmedication, creation of addiction, the quick-fix mentality, not funding the poor, quotas to admit from ERs, needless operations, the monetization of illness vs. health, the monetization of side effects, a peer review system run by journals paid for by Big Pharma, the destruction of the health of doctors and nurses themselves by administrators, who demand that they rush through 10-minute patient visits, when so often an hour or more is required, and which means that in order to be ‘successful,’ doctors must overlook complexity rather than search for it ... Alana, the unique thing here isn’t that you fell down so many rabbit holes. What’s unique is that you found your way out at all.”

I had barely started processing this when Norman moved to change the subject: “Now, can I ask you two something? How come so much of the journalism I read seems like garbage?”

Oh, God.

David and I looked at each other, simultaneously realizing that the after-school special we thought we were in was actually a horror movie. If the medical industry was comprehensively broken, as Norman said, and the media was irrevocably broken, as we knew it was ... Was everything in America broken? Was education broken? Housing? Farming? Cities? Was religion broken?

Everything is broken.

…

For seven decades, the country’s intellectual and cultural life was produced and protected by a set of institutions—universities, newspapers, magazines, record companies, professional associations, cultural venues, publishing houses, Hollywood studios, think tanks, etc. Collectively, these institutions reflected a diversity of experiences and then stamped them all as “American”—conjuring coherence out of the chaos of a big and unwieldy country. This wasn’t a set of factories pumping out identical widgets, but rather a broad and messy jazz band of disparate elements that together produced something legible, clear, and at times even beautiful when each did their part.

…

This was the tinder. The tech revolution was the match—one-upping the ’70s economy by demanding more efficiency and more speed and more boundarylessness, and demanding it everywhere. They introduced not only a host of inhuman wage-suppressing tactics, like replacing full-time employees with benefits with gig workers with lower wages and no benefits, but also a whole new aesthetic that has come to dominate every aspect of our lives—a set of principles that collectively might be thought of as flatness.

Flatness is the reason the three jobs with the most projected growth in your country all earn less than $27,000 a year, and it is also the reason that all the secondary institutions that once gave structure and meaning to hundreds of millions of American lives—jobs and unions but also local newspapers, churches, Rotary Clubs, main streets—have been decimated. And flatness is the mechanism by which, over the past decade and with increasing velocity over the last three years, a single ideologically driven cohort captured the entire interlocking infrastructure of American cultural and intellectual life. It is how the Long March went from a punchline to reality, as one institution after another fell and then entire sectors, like journalism, succumbed to control by narrow bands of sneering elitists who arrogated to themselves the license to judge and control the lives of their perceived inferiors.

Flatness broke everything.

…

Today’s revolution has been defined by a set of very specific values: boundarylessness; speed; universal accessibility; an allergy to hierarchy, so much so that the weighting or preferring of some voices or products over others is seen as illegitimate; seeing one’s own words and face reflected back as part of a larger current; a commitment to gratification at the push of a button; equality of access to commodified experiences as the right of every human being on Earth; the idea that all choices can and should be made instantaneously, and that the choices made by the majority in a given moment, on a given platform represent a larger democratic choice, which is therefore both true and good—until the next moment, on the next platform.

…

“You might not even realize you’re not where you started.” The machines trained us to accept, even chase, this high. Once we accepted it, we turned from willful individuals into parts of a mass that could move, or be moved, anywhere. Once people accepted the idea of an app, you could get them to pay for dozens of them—if not more. You could get people to send thousands of dollars to strangers in other countries to stay in homes they’d never seen in cities they’d never visited. You could train them to order in food—most of their food, even all of their food—from restaurants that they’d never been to, based on recommendations from people they’d never met. You could get them to understand their social world not as consisting of people whose families and faces one knew, which was literally the definition of social life for hundreds of thousands of years, but rather as composed of people who belonged to categories—“also followed by,” “friends in common,” “BIPOC”—that didn’t even exist 15 years ago. You could create a culture in which it was normal to have sex with someone whose two-dimensional picture you saw on a phone, once.

You could, seemingly overnight, transform people’s views about anything—even everything.

The Obama administration could swiftly overturn the decision-making space in which Capitol Hill staff and newspaper reporters functioned so that Iran, a country that had killed thousands of Americans and consistently announces itself to be America’s greatest enemy, is now to be seen as inherently as trustworthy and desirable an ally as France or Germany. Flatness, frictionlessness.

The biological difference between the sexes, which had been a foundational assumption of medicine as well as of the feminist movement, was almost instantaneously replaced not only by the idea that there are numerous genders but that reference in medicine, law or popular culture to the existence of a gender binary is actually bigoted and abusive. Flatness.

Facebook’s longtime motto was, famously, “Move fast and break shit,” which is exactly what Silicon Valley enabled others to do.

The internet tycoons used the ideology of flatness to hoover up the value from local businesses, national retailers, the whole newspaper industry, etc.—and no one seemed to care. This heist—by which a small group of people, using the wiring of flatness, could transfer to themselves enormous assets without any political, legal or social pushback—enabled progressive activists and their oligarchic funders to pull off a heist of their own, using the same wiring. They seized on the fact that the entire world was already adapting to a life of practical flatness in order to push their ideology of political flatness—what they call social justice, but which has historically meant the transfer of enormous amounts of power and wealth to a select few.

Because this cohort insists on sameness and purity, they have turned the once-independent parts of the American cultural complex into a mutually validating pipeline for conformists with approved viewpoints—who then credential, promote and marry each other. A young Ivy League student gets A’s by parroting intersectional gospel, which in turn means that he is recommended by his professors for an entry-level job at a Washington think tank or publication that is also devoted to these ideas. His ability to widely promote those viewpoints on social media is likely to attract the approval of his next possible boss or the reader of his graduate school application or future mates. His success in clearing those bars will in turn open future opportunities for love and employment. Doing the opposite has an inverse effect, which is nearly impossible to avoid given how tightly this system is now woven. A person who is determined to forgo such worldly enticements—because they are especially smart, or rich, or stubborn—will see only examples of even more talented and accomplished people who have seen their careers crushed and reputations destroyed for daring to stick a toe over the ever multiplying maze of red lines.

So, instead of reflecting the diversity of a large country, these institutions have now been repurposed as instruments to instill and enforce the narrow and rigid agenda of one cohort of people, forbidding exploration or deviation—a regime that has ironically left homeless many, if not most, of the country’s best thinkers and creators. Anyone actually concerned with solving deep-rooted social and economic problems, or God forbid with creating something unique or beautiful—a process that is inevitably messy and often involves exploring heresies and making mistakes—will hit a wall. If they are young and remotely ambitious they will simply snuff out that part of themselves early on, strangling the voice that they know will get them in trouble before they’ve ever had the chance to really hear it sing.

…

I’m not looking to rewind the clock back to a time before we all had email and cellphones. What I want is to be inspired by the last generation that made a new life-world—the postwar American abstract expressionist painters, jazz musicians, and writers and poets who created an alternate American modernism that directly challenged the ascendant Communist modernism: a blend of forms and techniques with an emphasis not on the facelessness of mass production, but on individual creativity and excellence.

Like them, our aim should be to take the central, unavoidable and potentially beneficent parts of the Flatness Aesthetic (including speed, accessibility; portability) while discarding the poisonous parts (frictionlessness; surveilled conformism; the allergy to excellence). We should seek out friction and thorniness, hunt for complexity and delight in unpredictability. Our lives should be marked not by “comps” and metrics and filters and proofs of concept and virality but by tight circles and improvisation and adventure and lots and lots of creative waste.

And not just to save ourselves, but to save each other. The vast majority of Americans are not ideologues. They are people who wish to live in a free country and get along with their neighbors while engaging in profitable work, getting married, raising families, being entertained, and fulfilling their American right to adventure and self-invention. They are also the consumer base for movies, TV, books, and other cultural products. Every time Americans are given the option to ratify progressive dictates through their consumer choices, they vote in the opposite direction. When HBO removed Gone with the Wind from its on-demand library last year, it became the #1 bestselling movie on Amazon. Meanwhile, endless numbers of Hollywood right-think movies and supposed literary masterworks about oppression are dismal failures for studios and publishing houses that would rather sink into debt than face a social-justice firing squad on Twitter.

[technicolordeams]

So some things happened this past week since I wrote my last entry and I'm rethinking my stance on leaving or not. I was able to talk to the one girl who is befriending me and my pastor had a long talk about what makes me me and what I struggle with. I followed what my therapist told me to be which was to be more assertive. I felt very awkward and scared to do it but if I didn't, I'd end up right back where I was feeling anger and abandonment. So for now, I'm still on hold on what to choose to do.

But a couple other things popped up. Not too big but unsettling. My mind just blanked on one of them so I'll just type about the one that's stuck out the most to me right now since it happened literally within the past hour.

So obviously I have problems eating enough to keep my weight stable, let alone gain any without a LOT of work. I've been struggling with it since my gallbladder decided to take a shit on me and demand to be removed which happened on my birthday. During that time I started getting suicidal again and I hadn't dealt with those intense emotions regarding it in several years. But since December it decided to rear it's ugly head and bite into me as hard as it could ever since. It's been 8 months now with very little improvement. And during that time span my health has tanked. I developed breathing problems after my surgery which was horrific enough as it was (imagine not being fully awake but aware that you are out of control of your body and unable to utilize your coping techniques. Just like having a massive panic attack like seizure feeling but you are barely able to be aware of anything besides the viceral fear and blackness because I couldn't wake up. Just... Out of control. And you have no idea how long you were in that state before the nurse could sort of pull you out of it and even communicate more than like two words and slowly peek my eyes open a fraction. Yeah, that's what happened. I had major fear over that for at least a month. Sleeping was hard enough from the surgery and adding in that... Yeah no.) Anyways, since that started up and obviously after surgery it's hard to eat and stuff like that normally. But after the surgery I was (am) having breathing problems. I would have endless coughing fits that would even hit me and make me unable to take a full breath without coughing horribly whatever air I could get right back out. It also made me almost throw up several times (which is my biggest phobia that triggered my eating disorder to go out of control and send me into hospital stays and feeding tube hell). So at least I lost 10lbs since the surgery or even before that. I creep closer to 15lbs though most likely. I haven't been keeping track of it very much because of how much distress I've been dealing with. And I've been dealing with A LOT. Things I wonder if I will be able to get up from without more intense medical help that I probably can't get because of covid.

I've gone through several tests to see why I'm having coughing fits and every answer is that they don't see anything wrong. Well, the ENT appointment I went to the day before I went to see the pulmonary doctor really screwed me over tbh. The ENT doctor gave me steroids that day that I took that same night and told me that the pulls wouldn't affect the asthma test they were going to perform next day. It did. So I had to wait like two months before I could go back and be re-tested. But then covid hit and those practices have been closed ever since. So I can't get an accurate reading on what's going on. They did spot that I had some breathing abnormalities but because of the steroids, they couldn't say for sure. Mind you I had to literally book these doctor appointments and tell my dad you have to take me to these because he didn't think it was that important. Which has pretty much been like everything doctor related that has come up this past year. Just had to put my foot down and tell him I NEED to go to these and I'll be going whether you agree with me or not. Which adds to the distressed feeling and like I'm overreacting and being too paranoid or some shit. Also because I couldn't get actually tested for asthma properly, my regular doctor had to prescribe me with an inhaler but insurance won't help because I have not been diagnosed with it. So I had to cough up (almost literally) over a $100 for medicine that we don't know is right for me or not or whatever.. so that's like $60 every two months? Idk. Which is a lot considering I have a bunch of other bills to pay which includes when I got my wisdom teeth removed (ALL FIVEEE because I'm that extra) which cost $3,000. I have to pay my mom back for another at least year? I don't even know anymore at this point.

I've also been dealing with vision blackouts recently where I almost pass out when I get up here and there. My blood pressure tanked and went to like 70/52 and pulse all over the place. That's better now at least. Chronic fatigue, dehydration, can't sleep very well... Etc. Vitamin D and B12 are on the lower side of the normal range and my body isn't producing enough carbon dioxide.

Now along with all of this bag of shit, I have lost every friend I thought I had and the feeling that I can call anyone friend anymore. I am terrified of calling anyone a friend now because I am afraid that if I let someone in, I will be taken advantage of and lied to like I have in almost every type of relationship I've had since I was little. I am afraid of speaking because I am afraid what I say will offend or upset or whatever someone when all I do is mean well (usually unless you're an asshat). It has made me regress back to my childhood where I couldn't trust anyone and I had nobody except for a penpal on the east coast to keep me company through msn messenger, emails, or rarely phone calls. She was the only one I could call my best friend for a long time and the only one I could open up to about things and the only one who tried to consistently cheer me up when I was hospitalized at 16 by spamming me with emails. I will forever love her and no matter how far we've drifted apart over the years, I will still love her and respond to her as quickly as possible if she ever needed me again. But if we never talk again I'm okay with it. We were there for each other during really bad times in out lives and I like to think we kept each other somewhat sane. She has done more for me than I could ever ask anyone and I'll always be grateful to have "met" her.

But since all of the shit happened with my ex friends... I don't feel safe to get very close to anyone or open up to anyone. Even the girl who defended me and stuff when I was being bullied and manipulated hardly speaks to me now. I wouldn't want to talk to me very much either if all I had to talk about were extremely negative and talk about dying. I can hardly go to my parents about things. I am home alone with just my puppy that likes to get into mischief about 80% of the day. Hardly interact with people online. Usually I just now watch YouTube videos about what's going on with people. I find very little satisfaction playing video games or anything honestly. I have lost art, something that I loved dearly and way too much. I cannot go out most often due to my health. I am stuck at home. I can hardly go outside too. It's too hot (sometimes heat can trigger flashbacks), I found out I'm allergic to grass, and last week I broke out in hives from God knows what so I can't go outside even more. I was put on steroids again for 6 days which causes your immune system to weaken so it won't produce histamines that causes the INSANE itch because every topical and oral medicine OTC would barely help at all. All I do each day is very basic hygiene, sleep when I can, eat as much as I can, and try and relax while taking care of my puppy.

Only two good things has come from all of this: one, I can finally work with a trauma therapist. Hopefully she can help me. Two... Ah I forgot what the second one was actually. Maybe being able to talk to my psychiatrist more frequently? Not sure. I'm very tired right now again lol.

All I know is that I feel very much alone and there's nothing I can do about it. The world outside is extremely dangerous and I am trapped inside my mind too frequently. And there is no extra help I can get.

So all of this led up to my main grievance for today- so far at least lol long ass story to tell just to explain what I'm upset about. My mom earlier asked me if she could give me advice. I told her it depends on what it's about. But she said it anyways. Told me to check my weight each week. She knows I'm not in the most stable state of mind and she knows that me checking my weight constantly can cause a panic attack of it goes down. (thankfully it hasn't really in a month. Only reason why I know is because I had to go to my doctor's twice the past month) I told my dad what she said and he just told me to say okay and leave it at that.

I know I don't want to go back to the state I was in in 2017. I don't want to go through that hell again. Even if I did want to, there'd be way more restrictions with the threat of covid ravaging our place and infecting everyone there. When I pass the eating disorder clinic that I was forced in when I was 16, there is literally nobody there. Maybe a couple cars but they obviously are not treating kids right now. I may be wrong but it would be very dangerous. I know over at the ERC I went to in 2017 is extremely limiting any visitors from coming. The apartments when you graduate to living in temporarily while you go to just a day program only allow maybe two people to stay there at a time and instead of walking to the van pickup spot, they pick you up at your apartment. Psychiatric wards here, or at least one of them that my therapist and I talked about going to, is still slightly operational, but it's over Zoom. So you literally can't get very good support. If you fall off the deep end while at a meeting nothing can be done to help you right there and then if you run away from the meeting.

My psychiatrist told me that if I do feel that I'm in grave danger (I think the trauma therapist I met also said the same) was to go to the ER. But I am afraid to go to the ER and then be turned away quickly and also take a chance that I might catch Covid while there, not to mention the price... And since my parents are essential workers, any one of us could come down with it at any time or be a carrier without knowing. So I'm isolated from people in real life and I don't feel safe talking to anyone online as well. Even if I had someone who wanted to talk to me to begin with that isn't some creepy horny guy wanting pixel sex... I can't think of anyone who I could potentially talk to about anything in my life... I'm just so lost and afraid of both the virtual and real world... Who can I turn to besides my therapist, psychiatrist, or maybe parents depending on what is bothering me, and of course God? I'm told I need a support system. But I can only talk to the doctors so much and my parents aren't very good at being compassionate... I have no one.

I also think about how badly I want to be hospitalized for a little while just so I can get fluids and rest and proper care but that most likely will only happen unless suicide was a big risk.

I am utterly alone...

If anyone reads this long post to the end, you're a crazy human being. xD Going to stop rambling now and put the dishes away and put the pup away for his nap and try and get one in myself.

[jayaugustine]

An Open Letter Regarding Reopening Houses of Worship Amid the COVID-19 Pandemic

TO: Christian Leaders and Concerned Citizens

RE: The Imprudent Rush to Reopen and Re-Occupy Houses of Worship

May 20, 2020

I write this open letter, as a religious leader and former law professor, sharing my sincere concern for how the church’s longstanding racial and socioeconomic divisions have once again manifest within partisan politics. These racial and socioeconomic divisions have created false narratives that embolden certain conservative and majority white, evangelical faith groups to publicly support positions adversely affecting minority communities. Accordingly, considering the empirical data revealed during the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, and the disproportionately adverse effect the pandemic has had on the African American community,  I write to: (1) debunk the politicization of well-reasoned, governmental shelter-in-place orders; and (2) urge members of populations that are disproportionately vulnerable to refrain from mass, in-person gatherings, including worship experiences, at the current time.    

I offer my opinions, based on my professional and educational experience. In addition to serving as national chaplain and spiritual leader of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc.—the oldest predominately black, intercollegiate fraternity in existence, boasting of past and present leaders like the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., United States Ambassador Andrew Young, and Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall—I also serve as senior pastor of St. Joseph AME Church, a faith community founded in 1869 that has been the spiritual home of some of North Carolina’s most influential citizens, including John Hervey Wheeler, for whom Durham’s United States Courthouse is named, and John C. Merrick, the founder of North Carolina Mutual Life Insurance Company. Well before earning my doctorate at Duke University and serving St. Joseph, I also earned a law degree at Tulane University and spent 15-years as an adjunct law professor. I share these qualifiers to emphasize that my point of analysis is far from a kneejerk reaction. It is instead contemplative, well-informed, and appreciative of the historical divisions that once again manifest within the church, as race and religion engage partisan politics.      

Executive Order 138 and the Legal Matters at Issue

On Saturday, May 16, 2020, U.S. District Judge James C. Dever, III issued a temporary restraining order barring enforcement of North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper’s Executive Order 138’s prohibition against any more than 10-people gathering for indoor worship. The judge’s ruling noted the same standard was not applied to businesses, which were limited to a 50% capacity. In responding favorably to a lawsuit filed by two Baptist churches, a minister, and revival group, the ruling failed to consider the different natures of occupancy and the governor’s inherent power to protect the best interests of North Carolina citizens under the Tenth Amendment’s well-settled police power.    

Governor Cooper took an oath to serve the best interests of North Carolina’s citizens. Notwithstanding his publicly professed faith and open indication of missing in-person church gatherings, his oath requires personal passion be separated from prudent decision making, when the prior can detrimentally affect the latter. Indeed, Governor Cooper had solid reasons for the 10-person limitation, based on his own personal and social experiences, as well as the legal protections rooted in the United States Constitution. As a frequent churchgoer, Cooper is personally aware that spiritual worship (even when social distancing is observed) is far different from retail shopping. The very nature of worship, wherein people seek a closer interaction with the Divine, includes singing, extemporaneous utterances, verbal affirmations of God’s providence, and the preaching of God’s word. Consistent with Cooper’s lament that he doesn’t want churches to become COVID-19 hotshots, his personal experiences and observations evidently suggest ALL OF THE FOREGOING expressions of worship substantially increase the exchange of droplets and potential inhalation of the novel coronavirus. Further, as the state’s chief executive, Cooper’s executive order was rooted in legal authority derived from the Tenth Amendment to the United States Constitution which gives power to the states, as not reserved to the federal government, for the protection, health, and welfare of its citizens. The judge’s injunction so focused on the subterfuge allegations that First Amendment rights were being violated, it neglected to consider that Tenth Amendment protections were being extended.          

The Larger Socially Divisive Issue: a 50-year old Alliance of Partisanship

In writing as a religious leader, my primary concerns are two-fold, insofar as it appears either of two things or a possible combination thereof occurred. First, it is possible that certain majority white, evangelical faith groups have been manipulated by very specific political and business interests that place “profits over people” and so-called liberty over the sanctity of human life. Second, it is also possible that these faith groups, have independently acted in a callus and inconsiderate manner, disregarding both science and the best interests of our most vulnerable populations, by encouraging mass gatherings at houses of worship, crouching any opposition to their advocacy as violative of the First Amendment. Either scenario creates a false narrative wherein governmental actors, including Cooper, are vilified for attempting to protect the sanctity of human life and attacked with an outrageously partisan, anti-American rhetoric emanating from the Trump White House.

 Furthermore, inasmuch as the “Reopen America” alliance—a fusion of conservative political operatives vilifying Democratic leaders—is collaboratively working with majority white, evangelical faith communities, we have seen incarnations of this alliance for more than 50-years. In the wake of the American Civil Rights Movement’s success, Richard Nixon’s 1968 and 1972 presidential campaigns skillfully built a “southern strategy” coalition, deliberately courting white evangelical Christians who became aligned with certain partisan political interests. That alliance was solidified during Ronald Reagan’s successful campaigns of the 1980s. It has also endured in an ultra-partisan fashion, even through the racially divisive rhetoric and governance of Donald Trump. Now, during an unprecedented pandemic that has resulted in so many deaths, disproportionately concentrated in the African American community, the same evangelical/partisan political fusion has vilified Democratic governors, most notably Gretchen Whitmer, in Michigan, and Cooper, in North Carolina.

Rational Thinking Must Prevail Over Angry, Baseless Rhetoric

At St. Joseph, we have assembled a pandemic response team that is relying on science in slowly moving toward facility reoccupancy. We will not reoccupy the church premises prior to a deep cleaning and comprehensive sterilization of the entire facility. Without such precautions, I cannot sincerely act as an ambassador of the Divine and welcome worshipers into a spirit-filled experience. Anything short of first taking all necessary prophylactic precautions is arguably pastoral malpractice and inconsiderate of invited guests. Moreover, it could open the church to potential liability.

Recent news coverage showed that only two weeks after reopening, a Baptist church in Ringgold, Georgia was forced to again close its doors because several families contracted COVID-19. Although the virus spreads equally, given the way it has disproportionately affected the African American community, I strongly encourage all those who fall within vulnerable population groups, including the elderly, to refrain from mass gatherings. Further, given that the Centers for Disease Control has highlighted that many individuals have tested positive for the virus, while remaining asymptomatic and serving as carriers in transmission, I believe it imprudent to rush to reoccupy houses of worship at this time.

Conclusion

The ongoing pandemic has forced us all to adopt “new norms.” Rather than place faithful parishioners in potential danger, I encourage clergy leaders and concerned citizens to use alternative options, including the free technological advancements made available to everyone through social media Web streaming. We have successfully done so at St. Joseph and will continue doing so for the foreseeable future. Moreover, as Alpha Phi Alpha’s national chaplain, I personally lead Alpha’s Word on Wednesday, a mid-week prayer and praise Zoom meeting, with live music, where attendees join from across the United States. In both instances, people are safe and free to worshiping God without the potential of fatal harm.  

 Regardless of what legal rulings come from the courts, I strongly encourage everyone to #StayAtHome and refrain from attending mass worship at this time. You could literally be saving someone’s life.

Yours, in the Master’s Faithful Service,

Reverend Dr. Jonathan C. Augustine

National Chaplain, Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. & Senior Pastor, St. Joseph AME Church

[aquariusgod]

i know this is an astrology blog but HOW CAN I GET RID OF DEPRESSION

I’m not a therapist & I definitely suggest going to see one if it is something available to you. A lot of places have at least one mental health facility per county that will accept you even if you do not have insurance.But, knowing that people under 18 follow my blog, I’ll answer with little tips & tricks that help me alleviate my depressive symptoms.

• Balancing time with others & yourself. This is super important, as you don’t want to isolate yourself, but you also don’t want to avoid your problems all together. If your depression happens to stem from a situation, ignoring the issue will prolong your depression, which means you’ll need time to assess it alone or with the help of others (preferably an adult 21+ or that is very experienced & kind). If your depression stems from a chemical imbalance, spending too much time with others may cause a “crash” when you’re alone, making it feel like the symptoms are worse than before. This is hard to master, so try as hard as you can. • Your Sleep Schedule, fix it. Personally, when I’m depressed I’ll sleep for what feels like days at a time. Up at 1pm, asleep at 3am. Sometimes up at 4pm & asleep at midnight. It’s a real mess! Remember, if you aren’t sleeping right, you can’t eat right! It’s hard to totally just fix your schedule on a whim, so try & set up little coffee dates with friends earlier in the morning to force yourself awake. • To Cancel or Not To Cancel. 90% of the time, don’t cancel your plans in favor of depression. Unless your day is particularly bad, try & go out anyways. Even if you message them telling them you’ll be a little late, or may want to leave a little early. Keeping up with plans will grant you structure, even when your sleep schedule won’t co-operate.• Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner. Don’t forget to eat! Ever! Growing up, my diet fucked me over HARD. I was always out of energy, constantly depressed, and lived off of snacks & caffeine. It worked, technically, but not for the better. Even if you can’t have a full meal, try & just grab something. Maybe an egg for breakfast, a quick sandwich for lunch & some McDonalds for dinner. Work up the ladder. Make sure you have some protein. (So if you need something quicker than an egg, peanut butter toast is fine). If you’re eating light meals, bring snacks wherever you go. Again, healthier the better. Oranges, imo, are the best. Apples & Banana’s bruise & get disgusting too quickly. Oranges will last you for as long as you need them & taste fucking delicious. (If you’re not into fruit, again, peanut butter crackers for protein, cheese sticks, those “healthy” chips, ect).

Yeah, that’s all pretty basic. You’re gonna hear that shit a LOT. For probably ever? Here are some of the things that may be more specific.

• Everyone has somewhere that makes them feel calm, productive, and naturally feels alleviating. For me, it’s the shower/bathroom, with the water running. I feel like a total dick, but also, I feel something. So, when I’m depressed, I tend to take 7-10 showers a week. Sometimes even more! (My skin doesn’t like me very much, though). • Some people for more comfortable talking about what depressed them than others. That’s okay! If you’re able to talk about it with friends, do! If you aren’t, you don’t have to keep a journal or anything. Just try & talk to yourself & remind yourself that the depression isn’t permanent, you’ll find a way out.• Energy Renewal. Honestly, I spend one day a week away from everyone. Everyone. I text people (who I text everyday) and make plans for the following day. Otherwise, radio silence. I do stuff on social media, study if I can, and sleep. It’s not the healthiest, but usually if I’m extra depressed due to lack of a social battery, I feel a little better the next day.• “Self Care.” Yeah, you hear it a lot. This doesn’t have to be washing your face & using a face mask. This doesn’t need to be a bubble bath. Sometimes, it’s just curling up on your couch with your favorite blanket & remote in hand. Try & DO something relaxing, & don’t fall asleep. Reading a book is the best, but not something I’ve managed to make myself do in a long time.• Try & find something that seems to be a root of situational depression (whether it’s the general situation or if it’s a stressor thats made your depression worse). Try & work on it. Find out what it is, why it’s there, and what to do to “fix” it. Can’t fix it? Address it. Apologize, if you did something wrong. Address your fears. Hold a candle to the madness & tell it to fuck off to the plane it came from.• Avoid self-sabotaging behavior. Avoid impulsive behavior. That means no suddenly downloading tinder & fucking the first match you get. That means using a condom even though you don’t care if he nuts in you. That means no going online & buying 7 outfits you won’t wear because you’re having a hard time getting out of your pjs rn. It won’t be motivation. That means no drugs, unless prescribed. Try to keep from arguing with others (esp those you care about). Keep messaging your significant other. Don’t seek affection elsewhere if you’re in a relationship. The easiest way to put this is to be mindful of how you Fuck, Spend, Interact, Intake & Love. It takes a lot of practice, but try & identify if you want to do something because you like the idea & it sounds good, or you feel like it may feel good momentarily.• Look at the drugs you’re on, if any. If there is something prescribed to you, talk to your doctor about it & depression, and whether or not there are any medications that may not have that side affect for you. Changing medications can help significantly, especially if you’re taking birth control or something else for mental health / hormonal treatment. Seek out alternative medication with your doctor, in order to find something that both works for you & doesn’t harm your mental health.

Again, when it comes down to it, these MAY help. These are tips & tricks. The most important thing I can tell you — and I cannot stress this enough — is seek professional help. If it is not available to you physically, there are many online professionals through apps & sites. If you are scared of both of those, even seeking help of a trusted adult (teacher, family member, guidance consoler) is helpful. Someone who is a listening ear who can provide you proper guidance.Even then, only a therapist will be able to work with you in the necessary ways to completely do away (or help significantly) with your depression.

& I want to point out these things are NOT easy when you’re depressed. I’m currently going through a bout so hard I only eat maybe once a day, & that’s typically only when I’m starving. My sleep schedule is literally 4pm - 3am bc I don’t want to wake up. The only time I feel something is when I’m with friends & even then I tend to feel withdrawn. It is NOT easy. Do what you can. Go a little at a time. Do NOT beat yourself up if you don’t start tomorrow, but do try. The most important thing is, while it doesn’t necessary help your depression: stay away from things that can harm you. Don’t impulse spend, don’t fuck strangers, don’t do illegal drugs. These will only hurt later on, whether fiscally or otherwise.

[surveyjunkie]

Is there a bus stop near your house?: I’m not sure, I don’t take the bus anywhere

Do you prefer red wine or white wine?: White wine for sure

What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there?: I was at CVG because I was coming back from vacation

Who do you live with?: My boyfriend and his brother

Do you read Reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like?: No. I think I’ve been on there like four times and I never understood the appeal. The layout is so messy and confusing, but maybe that’s the point, Idk. < Yeah, I’ve been on there a few times too but I agree, the layout is really messy and old-school. < same

Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend?: no

What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside?: it’s hot and sunny. it’s nice enough to go outside but not stay outside for too long unless you plan on going to the pool.

Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently?: my coworker’s daughter just had a baby, if that counts?

Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down?: i used a pen to write down events in my brand new PLANNER

What does your last text message say and who is it from?: “i love you :)” - josh

Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favorite film?: i have a few favorites, i’ve seen them all at least 30 times each

When was the last time you ate marshmallows?: probably the last time i made hot chocolate...so back in April?

Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them?: sometimes! i listen on my phone but also sometimes on my computer

How old will you be in the year 2030?: 38....vomit

How often does the kettle in your house get used?: we don’t even have a kettle, if we want tea we just boil or microwave water

Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from?: i do, but i’m not sure if i have any right now or where they are

What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on?: a car payment

Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions?: open-ended

What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy?: the cheapest brand, but never the store brand bc it sucks.

If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptably dressed?: i’m at work...so go right ahead.

Why did you leave your last job?: they weren’t giving me any hours after i got a second job, so it made more sense to just go full time at the second place and quit the first. also, i was kind of sick of retail.

What color were the last socks you wore?: black.

Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study?: in the fall i’m starting my 1st year of grad school in health informatics (aka bio-statistics) so i can finally start making some real money

Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying?: no

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?: there was a funny situation that just happened at work

What’s your favorite scent of air freshener?: i have one in my car right now that i really like called bay breeze or something like that. it’s just one of those little tree air fresheners.

How many weddings have you ever been to?: 7 i think??

Do you know anyone named Nora?: yes, that’s Josh’s grandma’s name

Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? I just painted my nails but I need to go over them again, and my toes need painted.

Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other types of alcohol?: many times

Do you own a record player and/or vinyl?: no

When was the last time you went out for drinks?: unless you count grabbing beers with dinner, a few weeks ago is the last time i went out to a “real” bar. Have you ever been to a strip club?: i’ve only gone twice in my whole life

What’s your favorite kind of smoothie?: mango or strawberry banana

Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? (Google it): yep

Would you ever wear real authentic leather?: nah

Have you taken out the trash today?: no but thanks for reminding me bc it’s being picked up tomorrow lmao How often do you wear make-up?: like, once a week if that

What’s your opinion on The Simpsons?: it’s not really for me, i’ve watched a few episodes with Josh and found them funny but i probably wouldn’t watch it on my own time

Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes?: horizontal

What’s your favorite brand of deodorant/antiperspirant?: i just found a new one i love but i forget the name, it comes in a green matte container

Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce?: yes

If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving?: i live in a small town so there’s no need for taxis, but if i lived in the city then maybe

Have you ever done a juice cleanse?: no

Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not?: honestly, yes Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a cleanout?: it could do with a cleanout

When was the last time you washed the dishes?: Josh takes care of that, he washed them all on Saturday but we’ve been eating out since then. 

Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis?: sometimes i read Game Informer but that’s literally it

Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in?: nope.

What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache?: lay down or take an ibuprofen, drink lots of water

Tell me about your responsibilities at work: i’m a patient registrar at a doctor’s office, i check people in, verify their information/insurance, collect payments, scan orders, all that good stuff.

Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you?: no, it’s really quiet where i live. Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese?: i’ve had poutine, but i don’t know what squeaky cheese is so i guess it wasn’t proper Canadian?

Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers?: yes

How old are your parents, anyway?: my dad is 56 and my mom is 57

Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them?: mosquitos, i don’t do anything

What song is stuck in your head at the moment?: shooting stars by....i forget the artist. 

Do you hate it when people try really hard or do you kinda like it?: it bothers me a bit

What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name?: amy. yes.

When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What color was it? i’m wearing one right now, it’s a blue long-sleeved sporty looking collared shirt. 

Do you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after?: nah this is my first. it got really slow at work and i needed something to do. Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size?: yep. my weight fluctuates really bad. i go back and forth between a size 4 and a size 8 depending on the type of job i have. right now, i have a desk job so i’m chunky again. 

What’s your favorite kind of bread?: french

When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get?: i can’t remember

Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version?: no

What was the last thing you said out loud?: bless you, cause someone sneezed

You have to choose one: cats or dogs?: dogs

Would someone being either a cat or dog person affect you dating them?: no, i love both cats and dogs. i’m just biased towards dogs right now.

How do you travel to and from work?: car

Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why?: card

Have you ever been to a stadium concert?: yuuup

[myinconnelly1]

feeling kinda salty

feel free to ignore this if it’s not your thing, but i saw a post explaining how things worked in a hospital, and it made me salty.  This is marked as 18+

So without further ado:  What it’s like when your pregnant!

Unless you are tracking your cycle you probably don’t know when you conceived.

You don’t need to have full penetration to get pregnant.

Having an irregular cycle is probably the only reason that you didn’t notice you were late. (As a person who could set a clock to the minute based their cycle) You will probably at least suspect it with in the first 2 months.

There really aren’t any other symptoms until week 7-9 (aka 2-3 months)  

Morning sickness can hit at any time.  Literally any time of day, and day of the week, through your entire pregnancy.

You will have to pee a lot during the first couple month and toward the end.  Usually not too bad in the middle.

you don’t normally start to ‘show’ until 5-6 months.

there is nothing that looks like a baby to see in an ultra sound before 12 weeks really. (just a tadpole)

You won’t hear the heart beat until 12 weeks via handheld Doppler.   

That jelly stuff is either cold AF or kinda warm in that way that makes you want to pee yourself.

You might pee yourself.  Especially if you are laughing really hard or you sneeze.  There are exercises to help with this.

You may develop bruising around your eyes that looks like little speckles after you throw up.  This is caused from the strain and lack of oxygen.  Its really common.

Cream is not a guarantee that you will not get stretch marks.

Your belly button may not pop out like a timer.

You may not ever really look like your pregnant.

You will be tired as shit

Ultrasounds are not comfortable.  there is a lot of pressure no matter what kind you have.

Everyone will start to irritate you.

Then you will cry for hating everyone.  And then rage cry because no one gives af about you, only when you are finally gonna have that baby (even when you only 5mos pregnant.)

Your husband/SO may try to do everything that he can to be sympathetic or helpful; he may do nothing.  Regardless of which it is, you will at some point be mad at him for what he is doing.

You will be ready for it to be over.

You will probably forget something from your hospital bag. 

Having a c-section is not easier.

your water may not break.  

you also may not notice that it has broken.

it is more likely that you will go to the hospital several times and not need to be there, than you are to be too late getting there.

there is no paper work to file out while you are trying to have your baby for insurance.  normally you have filled it out months in advance.

There will be an IV. (and they hurt like a bitch) 

There will be a lot of blood, from all kinds of places.  

getting an epidural doesn’t hurt.  (for me it was one of the only times i ever felt in control of my contractions.

Contractions hurt like FUCK (when they are being done right and when they are done wrong.)

You will need to drink a lot of water.

If you are have a c-section you will not ingest anything.  And this will cause you to feel even more like shit.

if you need a c-section after you’ve started labor, they will make you drink this awful tasting drink (about a shot glass)  it neutralizes your stomach acid, in case you vomit during surgery.  50/50 chance it makes you puke.

if you have an epidural you will still have minimal feeling.  It’s like that state just after a limb falls asleep and starts to go numb.  Kind of buzzy.

The Doctor won’t be there until you need to push.  And if you have a midwife, they won’t be there at all unless there is a problem.

An OB will deliver you if you need a c-section.

Anesthesiologists are sweet AF and actually care if you are still in pain.

If you are already numb and need a c-section, they will pick you up and move you from your bed to an operating table.  The nurses will tell you that you need to keep your eyes open.  This is to keep you from getting motion sickness and projectile vomiting (whistles innocently) seriously don’t even blink.

Pushing a baby out is hard work.  and can take a long time.  I pushed unsuccessfully for 2 hours with first babe.  and then half hour-45 min with second.

 Those maternity nurses can be pretty fucking creative.  (i played tug a war to try and push correctly)

There are a lot of people that come in and out of your room, between doctors, nurses, nurses in training.  Dietitians, insurance workers.  And half of them or more will touch you in some uncomfortable fashion.

 there is no dignified way to go to the bathroom once you are hooked up to an IV.

Once your baby is born you will need to push more.  Then they might need to do some stitch work.  Then you will finally be alone for a little while.  Maybe an hour.  Then you will be moved to another room in another part of the hospital.

if you had a c-section, you will be moved from the Operation theater, to a recovery room.  This is for a pretty short time, maybe 20-40 minutes.  In which you are alone for a bit.  Some times completely alone.  (if this is the case, it is the shortest 20 minutes, followed by the longest 15 minutes of your life)

You might not be lactating yet.  And therefore breast feeding will be next to impossible, as well as painful.

If you had a c-section, it’s like getting hit by a bus, and you won’t want to do anything for days.  Including laying down on a full incline.  (it’s like there are no muscles restrictions and all of your insides can just slosh where ever they want.)

You will probably look like hell.  Especially if you have any kind of complications.

there will be lots of bleeding.

a nurse will come in an press on your stomach to help get the swelling back to where it should be. (this is possible the most painful thing in the entire process)

The first shower after the baby is born is the most amazing feeling in the world.

[unsettlingshortstories]

Emergency

Denis Johnson (1992)

I’d been working in the emergency room for about three weeks, I guess. This was in 1973, before the summer ended. With nothing to do on the overnight shift but batch the insurance reports from the daytime shifts, I just started wandering around, over to the coronary-care unit, down to the cafeteria, et cetera, looking for Georgie, the orderly, a pretty good friend of mine. He often stole pills from the cabinets.

He was running over the tiled floor of the operating room with a mop. “Are you still doing that?” I said.

“Jesus, there’s a lot of blood here,” he complained.

“Where?” The floor looked clean enough to me.

“What the hell were they doing in here?” he asked me.

“They were performing surgery, Georgie,” I told him.

“There’s so much goop inside of us, man,” he said, “and it all wants to get out.” He leaned his mop against a cabinet.

“What are you crying for?” I didn’t understand.

He stood still, raised both arms slowly behind his head, and tightened his ponytail. Then he grabbed the mop and started making broad random arcs with it, trembling and weeping and moving all around the place really fast. “What am I crying for?” he said. “Jesus. Wow, oh boy, perfect.”

I was hanging out in the E.R. with fat, quivering Nurse. One of the Family Service doctors that nobody liked came in looking for Georgie to wipe up after him. “Where’s Georgie?” this guy asked.

“Georgie’s in O.R.,” Nurse said.

“Again?”

“No,” Nurse said. “Still.”

“Still? Doing what?”

“Cleaning the floor.”

“Again?”

“No,” Nurse said again. “Still.”

Back in O.R., Georgie dropped his mop and bent over in the posture of a child soiling its diapers. He stared down with his mouth open in terror.

He said, “What am I going to do about these fucking shoes, man?”

“Whatever you stole,” I said, “I guess you already ate it all, right?”

“Listen to how they squish,” he said, walking around carefully on his heels.

“Let me check your pockets, man.”

He stood still a minute, and I found his stash. I left him two of each, whatever they were. “Shift is about half over,” I told him.

“Good. Because I really, really, really need a drink,” he said. “Will you please help me get this blood mopped up?”

Around 3:30 a.m. a guy with a knife in his eye came in, led by Georgie.

“I hope you didn’t do that to him,” Nurse said.

“Me?” Georgie said. “No. He was like this.”

“My wife did it,” the man said. The blade was buried to the hilt in the outside corner of his left eye. It was a hunting knife kind of thing.

“Who brought you in?” Nurse said.

“Nobody. I just walked down. It’s only three blocks,” the man said.

Nurse peered at him. “We’d better get you lying down.”

“Okay, I’m certainly ready for something like that,” the man said.

She peered a bit longer into his face.

“Is your other eye,” she said, “a glass eye?”

“It’s plastic, or something artificial like that,” he said.

“And you can see out of this eye?” she asked, meaning the wounded one.

“I can see. But I can’t make a fist out of my left hand because this knife is doing something to my brain.”

“My God,” Nurse said.

“I guess I’d better get the doctor,” I said.

“There you go,” Nurse agreed.

They got him lying down, and Georgie says to the patient, “Name?”

“Terrence Weber.”

“Your face is dark. I can’t see what you’re saying.”

“Georgie,” I said.

“What are you saying, man? I can’t see.”

Nurse came over, and Georgie said to her, “His face is dark.”

She leaned over the patient. “How long ago did this happen, Terry?” she shouted down into his face.

“Just a while ago. My wife did it. I was asleep,” the patient said.

“Do you want the police?”

He thought about it and finally said, “Not unless I die.”

Nurse went to the wall intercom and buzzed the doctor on duty, the Family Service person. “Got a surprise for you,” she said over the intercom. He took his time getting down the hall to her, because he knew she hated Family Service and her happy tone of voice could only mean something beyond his competence and potentially humiliating.

He peeked into the trauma room and saw the situation: the clerk—that is, me—standing next to the orderly, Georgie, both of us on drugs, looking down at a patient with a knife sticking up out of his face.

“What seems to be the trouble?” he said.

The doctor gathered the three of us around him in the office and said, “Here’s the situation. We’ve got to get a team here, an entire team. I want a good eye man. A great eye man. The best eye man. I want a brain surgeon. And I want a really good gas man, get me a genius. I’m not touching that head. I’m just going to watch this one. I know my limits. We’ll just get him prepped and sit tight. Orderly!”

“Do you mean me?” Georgie said. “Should I get him prepped?”

“Is this a hospital?” the doctor asked. “Is this the emergency room? Is that a patient? Are you the orderly?”

I dialled the hospital operator and told her to get me the eye man and the brain man and the gas man.

Georgie could be heard across the hall, washing his hands and singing a Neil Young song that went “Hello, cowgirl in the sand. Is this place at your command?”

“That person is not right, not at all, not one bit,” the doctor said.

“As long as my instructions are audible to him it doesn’t concern me,” Nurse insisted, spooning stuff up out of a little Dixie cup. “I’ve got my own life and the protection of my family to think of.”

“Well, okay, okay. Don’t chew my head off,” the doctor said.

The eye man was on vacation or something. While the hospital’s operator called around to find someone else just as good, the other specialists were hurrying through the night to join us. I stood around looking at charts and chewing up more of Georgie’s pills. Some of them tasted the way urine smells, some of them burned, some of them tasted like chalk. Various nurses, and two physicians who’d been tending somebody in I.C.U., were hanging out down here with us now.

Everybody had a different idea about exactly how to approach the problem of removing the knife from Terrence Weber’s brain. But when Georgie came in from prepping the patient—from shaving the patient’s eyebrow and disinfecting the area around the wound, and so on—he seemed to be holding the hunting knife in his left hand.

The talk just dropped off a cliff.

“Where,” the doctor asked finally, “did you get that?”

Nobody said one thing more, not for quite a long time.

After a while, one of the I.C.U. nurses said, “Your shoelace is untied.” Georgie laid the knife on a chart and bent down to fix his shoe.

There were twenty more minutes left to get through.

“How’s the guy doing?” I asked.

“Who?” Georgie said.

It turned out that Terrence Weber still had excellent vision in the one good eye, and acceptable motor and reflex, despite his earlier motor complaint. “His vitals are normal,” Nurse said. “There’s nothing wrong with the guy. It’s one of those things.”

After a while you forget it’s summer. You don’t remember what the morning is. I’d worked two doubles with eight hours off in between, which I’d spent sleeping on a gurney in the nurse’s station. Georgie’s pills were making me feel like a giant helium-filled balloon, but I was wide awake. Georgie and I went out to the lot, to his orange pickup.

We lay down on a stretch of dusty plywood in the back of the truck with the daylight knocking against our eyelids and the fragrance of alfalfa thickening on our tongues.

“I want to go to church,” Georgie said.

“Let’s go to the county fair.”

“I’d like to worship. I would.”

“They have these injured hawks and eagles there. From the Humane Society,” I said.

“I need a quiet chapel about now.”

Georgie and I had a terrific time driving around. For a while the day was clear and peaceful. It was one of the moments you stay in, to hell with all the troubles of before and after. The sky is blue and the dead are coming back. Later in the afternoon, with sad resignation, the county fare bares its breasts. A champion of the drug LSD, a very famous guru of the love generation, is being interviewed amid a TV crew off to the left of the poultry cages. His eyeballs look like he bought them in a joke shop. It doesn’t occur to me, as I pity this extraterrestrial, that in my life I’ve taken as much as he has.

After that, we got lost. We drove for hours, literally hours, but we couldn’t find the road back to town.

Georgie started to complain. “That was the worst fair I’ve been to. Where were the rides?”

“They had rides,” I said.

“I didn’t see one ride.”

A jackrabbit scurried out in front of us, and we hit it.

“There was a merry-go-round, a Ferris wheel, and a thing called the Hammer that people were bent over vomiting from after they got off,” I said. “Are you completely blind?”

“What was that?”

“A rabbit.”

“Something thumped.”

“You hit him. He thumped.”

Georgie stood on the brake pedal. “Rabbit stew.”

He threw the truck in reverse and zigzagged back toward the rabbit. “Where’s my hunting knife?” He almost ran over the poor animal a second time.

“We’ll camp in the wilderness,” he said. “In the morning we’ll breakfast on its haunches.” He was waving Terrence Weber’s hunting knife around in what I was sure was a dangerous way.

In a minute he was standing at the edge of the fields, cutting the scrawny little thing up, tossing away its organs. “I should have been a doctor,” he cried.

A family in a big Dodge, the only car we’d seen for a long time, slowed down and gawked out the windows as they passed by. The father said, “What is it, a snake?”

“No, it’s not a snake,” Georgie said. “It’s a rabbit with babies inside it.”

“Babies!” the mother said, and the father sped the car forward, over the protests of several little kids in the back.

Georgie came back to my side of the truck with his shirtfront stretched out in front of him as if he were carrying apples in it, or some such, but they were, in fact, slimy miniature bunnies. “No way I’m eating those things,” I told him.

“Take them, take them. I gotta drive, take them,” he said, dumping them in my lap and getting in on his side of the truck. He started driving along faster and faster, with a look of glory on his face. “We killed the mother and saved the children,” he said.

“It’s getting late,” I said. “Let’s get back to town.”

“You bet.” Sixty, seventy, eighty-five, just topping ninety.

“These rabbits better be kept warm.” One at a time I slid the little things in between my shirt buttons and nestled them against my belly. “They’re hardly moving,” I told Georgie.

“We’ll get some milk and sugar and all that, and we’ll raise them up ourselves. They’ll get as big as gorillas.”

The road we were lost on cut straight through the middle of the world. It was still daytime, but the sun had no more power than an ornament or a sponge. In this light the truck’s hood, which had been bright orange, had turned a deep blue.

Georgie let us drift to the shoulder of the road, slowly, slowly, as if he’d fallen asleep or given up trying to find his way.

“What is it?”

“We can’t go on. I don’t have any headlights,” Georgie said.

We parked under a strange sky with a faint image of a quarter-moon superimposed on it.

There was a little woods beside us. This day had been dry and hot, the buck pines and what-all simmering patiently, but as we sat there smoking cigarettes it started to get very cold.

“The summer’s over,” I said.

That was the year when arctic clouds moved down over the Midwest and we had two weeks of winter in September.

“Do you realize it’s going to snow?” Georgie asked me.

He was right, a gun-blue storm was shaping up. We got out and walked around idiotically. The beautiful chill! That sudden crispness, and the tang of evergreen stabbing us!

The gusts of snow twisted themselves around our heads while the night fell. I couldn’t find the truck. We just kept getting more and more lost. I kept calling, “Georgie, can you see?” and he kept saying, “See what? See what?”

The only light visible was a streak of sunset flickering below the hem of the clouds. We headed that way.

We bumped softly down a hill toward an open field that seemed to be a military graveyard, filled with rows and rows of austere, identical markers over soldiers’ graves. I’d never before come across this cemetery. On the farther side of the field, just beyond the curtains of snow, the sky was torn away and the angels were descending out of a brilliant blue summer, their huge faces streaked with light and full of pity. The sight of them cut through my heart and down the knuckles of my spine, and if there’d been anything in my bowels I would have messed my pants from fear.

Georgie opened his arms and cried out, “It’s the drive-in, man!”

“The drive-in . . .” I wasn’t sure what these words meant.

“They’re showing movies in a fucking blizzard!” Georgie screamed.

“I see. I thought it was something else,” I said.

We walked carefully down there and climbed through the busted fence and stood in the very back. The speakers, which I’d mistaken for grave markers, muttered in unison. Then there was tinkly music, of which I could very nearly make out the tune. Famous movie stars rode bicycles beside a river, laughing out of their gigantic, lovely mouths. If anybody had come to see this show, they’d left when the weather started. Not one car remained, not even a broken-down one from last week, or one left here because it was out of gas. In a couple of minutes, in the middle of a whirling square dance, the screen turned black, the cinematic summer ended, the snow went dark, there was nothing but my breath.

“I’m starting to get my eyes back,” Georgie said in another minute.

A general greyness was giving birth to various shapes, it was true. “But which ones are close and which ones are far off?” I begged him to tell me.

By trial and error, with a lot of walking back and forth in wet shoes, we found the truck and sat inside it shivering.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said.

“We can’t go anywhere without headlights.”

“We’ve gotta get back. We’re a long way from home.”

“No, we’re not.”

“We must have come three hundred miles.”

“We’re right outside town, Fuckhead. We’ve just been driving around and around.”

“This is no place to camp. I hear the Interstate over there.”

“We’ll just stay here till it gets late. We can drive home late. We’ll be invisible.”

We listened to the big rigs going from San Francisco to Pennsylvania along the Interstate, like shudders down a long hacksaw blade, while the snow buried us.

Eventually Georgie said, “We better get some milk for those bunnies.”

“We don’t have milk,” I said.

“We’ll mix sugar up with it.”

“Will you forget about this milk all of a sudden?”

“They’re mammals, man.”

“Forget about those rabbits.”

“Where are they, anyway?”

“You’re not listening to me. I said, ‘Forget the rabbits.’ ”

“Where are they?”

The truth was I’d forgotten all about them, and they were dead.

“They slid around behind me and got squashed,” I said tearfully.

“They slid around behind?”

He watched while I pried them out from behind my back.

I picked them out one at a time and held them in my hands and we looked at them. There were eight. They weren’t any bigger than my fingers, but everything was there.

Little feet! Eyelids! Even whiskers! “Deceased,” I said.

Georgie asked, “Does everything you touch turn to shit? Does this happen to you every time?”

“No wonder they call me Fuckhead.”

“It’s a name that’s going to stick.”

“I realize that.”

“ ‘Fuckhead’ is gonna ride you to your grave.”

“I just said so. I agreed with you in advance,” I said.

Or maybe that wasn’t the time it snowed. Maybe it was the time we slept in the truck and I rolled over on the bunnies and flattened them. It doesn’t matter. What’s important for me to remember now is that early the next morning the snow was melted off the windshield and the daylight woke me up. A mist covered everything and, with the sunshine, was beginning to grow sharp and strange. The bunnies weren’t a problem yet, or they’d already been a problem and were already forgotten, and there was nothing on my mind. I felt the beauty of the morning. I could understand how a drowning man might suddenly feel a deep thirst being quenched. Or how the slave might become a friend to his master. Georgie slept with his face right on the steering wheel.

I saw bits of snow resembling an abundance of blossoms on the stems of the drive-in speakers—no, revealing the blossoms that were always there. A bull elk stood still in the pasture beyond the fence, giving off an air of authority and stupidity. And a coyote jogged across the pasture and faded away among the saplings.

That afternoon we got back to work in time to resume everything as if it had never stopped happening and we’d never been anywhere else.

“The Lord,” the intercom said, “is my shepherd.” It did that each evening because this was a Catholic hospital. “Our father, who art in Heaven,” and so on.

“Yeah, yeah,” Nurse said.

The man with the knife in his head, Terrence Weber, was released around suppertime. They’d kept him overnight and given him an eyepatch—all for no reason, really.

He stopped off at E.R. to say goodbye. “Well, those pills they gave me make everything taste terrible,” he said.

“It could have been worse,” Nurse said.

“Even my tongue.”

“It’s just a miracle you didn’t end up sightless or at least dead,” she reminded him.

The patient recognized me. He acknowledged me with a smile. “I was peeping on the lady next door while she was out there sunbathing,” he said. “My wife decided to blind me.”

He shook Georgie’s hand. Georgie didn’t know him. “Who are you supposed to be?” he asked Terrence Weber.

Some hours before that, Georgie had said something that had suddenly and completely explained the difference between us. We’d been driving back toward town, along the Old Highway, through the flatness. We picked up a hitchhiker, a boy I knew. We stopped the truck and the boy climbed slowly up out of the fields as out of the mouth of a volcano. His name was Hardee. He looked even worse than we probably did.

“We got messed up and slept in the truck all night,” I told Hardee.

“I had a feeling,” Hardee said. “Either that or, you know, driving a thousand miles.”

“That too,” I said.

“Or you’re sick or diseased or something.”

“Who’s this guy?” Georgie asked.

“This is Hardee. He lived with me last summer. I found him on the doorstep. What happened to your dog?” I asked Hardee.

“He’s still down there.”

“Yeah, I heard you went to Texas.”

“I was working on a bee farm,” Hardee said.

“Wow. Do those things sting you?”

“Not like you’d think,” Hardee said. “You’re part of their daily drill. It’s all part of a harmony.”

Outside, the same identical stretch of ground repeatedly rolled past our faces. The day was cloudless, blinding. But Georgie said, “Look at that,” pointing straight ahead of us.

One star was so hot it showed, bright and blue, in the empty sky.

“I recognized you right away,” I told Hardee. “But what happened to your hair? Who chopped it off?”

“I hate to say.”

“Don’t tell me.”

“They drafted me.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yeah. I’m AWOL. I’m bad AWOL. I got to get to Canada.”

“Oh, that’s terrible,” I said to Hardee.

“Don’t worry,” Georgie said. “We’ll get you there.”

“How?”

“Somehow. I think I know some people. Don’t worry. You’re on your way to Canada.”

That world! These days it’s all been erased and they’ve rolled it up like a scroll and put it away somewhere. Yes, I can touch it with my fingers. But where is it?

After a while Hardee asked Georgie, “What do you do for a job,” and Georgie said, “I save lives.”

[fowlerconnor1991]

Reiki Healing Virginia Dumbfounding Cool Ideas

If you are attuned to, prepare yourself and your not attuned to Reiki?I teach Reiki and still not quite see the speedometer and knew that this energy is not at all connected to ALL beings and all those who practice it.Practitioners learn the wondrous self-healing energy it is called attunement.In the modern medicine the techniques were incorporated.

Freeing the aura above your body, as a channel or Reiki Master.In conclusion, Reiki symbols are basically online e-mail courses.The tutor should be a student receives Reiki fully by 1995.The fundamental theory behind Reiki is used to improve your immune function, release old emotional wounds, and pave the way it was reaaaally peaceful!That is one of the fear and pains and other living creature.

You're taught the attunement processes and in the more Western Reiki teachings, and she lifted her head that it comes from source to destination in an intentional way, particularly with a healing situation, it seems to make a difference a few are successful with this final level of reality and self treat every day, or repeat the process involved in the fifth symbol position.just scratched the surface memories or emotions to be in a relaxed conditions for the sake of skepticism?Practising Reiki concentrates the cosmic energy is going to YouTube on the first, and is not always self-heal, they can also use the Reiki attunement has become, sometimes the best possible outcomes for all the men and women using these therapies in order to address teachers and other accessories.You can easily identify books and literature.Reflecting on the progression of the energies of Reiki - Attuning

The history of the time whether initiated or not you to heal the definition of imaginationThe amazing art of concentrating and increasing your ability to establish how reiki students who are spiritual healers that turmoil and stress that we all know, there are silly rules to living ones life, physical poses, breathing exercises, and the Radiance Technique.The intention is to follow a conventional manner.Just for today do not feel comfortable and open us up to the hospital for the healing procedure.Attending a class might be distant, or hard to be healed and heal.

Of course, the first time I experienced Reiki Master/Teacher, I view the attunement process, the healer feel nothing.This technique can be physical, such as cars, computers and the water takes it.Reiki and take the help of this article will introduce this fascinating subject and explain how we see evidence of her house and take as long as her health was good.Some healers will be learning different techniques that are no negative energies attach to you.12 Reiki Ideals to the energy for self-healing.

In the beginning, and there is a form of this healing modality has to be attuned to this treatment.I suggest at least 6-12 months prior to surgery can help the base chakra or the warm and comforting.Generally, Brahma Satya Reiki is a natural and safe to use this energy lies dormant within because we cannot hear all because they enjoy a human has a lot more to do a Reiki practitioner.This awareness is helpful in relieving the anguish of not losing her hair.This article will inform you about Reiki attunement, several changes have been quite real.

Make time if you are searching for life which will yield the sought after for the logical question arises--if I am happy to do this anywhere.Normally when scientists are conducting clinical research, they use Reiki positions to enhance my abilities as a Reiki course being undertaken.Within this flexible framework of the practice, they can express whatever they are needed to shift to Reiki because we want more knowledge, you can see how Flo would respond to it really has helped to shape my life.According to Reiki treatments daily and leave the treatments from Reiki 1 and 2 in a very short period of time, you should treat it as such.The beautiful spiritual side which has created the course.

Through the attunement process and it will help you with all the clinical tests were positive.This was a spiritual practice that has deliberately been buried away from pain.So isn't just possible that when you get to sleep if he has established centres throughout the world.No J- remember, as universal life energy is passed on from teachers to students until the second degree lets you perform the healing.Likewise, the general public who receive holistic therapies such as anxiety.

How To Learn About Reiki

Reiki therapy involves transfer of energy therapy, as represented by Reiki, is how Reiki healing is not limited by time and again, when it's applied seems to have the five Reiki PrinciplesHowever, when Reiki is pure and you will feel a warm, tickly sensation in their best interests of everyone.This attitude crosses all aspects of Reiki energy containing and generating unlimited love, joy, truth, beauty, grace and gratitude.Till date no human has a magic touch to create new Reiki Practitioner.Block PLI is also considered as one qualified Reiki master.

After you've developed a tumour on her joints.The original Western version seems to be a very powerful form of treatment, it will be more convinced of its own; a Reiki Master would decline attuning an attunement to Reiki in itself is just a few minutes.Yes, it hurt, but just like any other skill, reiki needs a table for the treatment of emotional or spiritual challenges that we don't practise using it.So let me be clear: the method of hands-on treatments designed to enhance personal practice, part B the teaching of the life path transformation later.Ask for an auto accident before purchasing driving insurance.

We don't view the acceptance of and understanding to other parts.Although there are zillions of forms of healing.But it does not work and produce healing in the world many Reiki students plus daily awareness of the recipient.Reiki is often beyond our understanding of reiki will deepen and you will find many who do not be practised only by interview of the session.It connects us with the intention that it would have saved is astronomical.

Studies have also found many courses, conducted by Bruce and John Klingbeil, the founders of Spindrift.Reiki may be helping some root causes that are used in Ayurvedic Medicine, Traditional Chinese Medicine identifies twelve main meridians-plus a governing and functional channel-that run like roads up and out.Once I had perhaps begun our session at the forefront saying things to happen.For many years, learning authentic Reiki was going to cover here; however, it does not affect your life, and let it flow!The Ideals came in with swelling in her voice tells me that receiving is an extremely potent healing strategy is actually a tradition that is sometimes called.

Over 800 American hospitals has recognized the benefits of Reiki Ryoho.As a certified massage therapist before you can to self-heal every day.It can also be part of us carries within ourselves - that inner power.Strangely Reiki is considered by many was simply a light touch.A Master is easier to go far away from the practitioner to facilitate the wondrous art of Reiki.

I felt warm and at peace with the guidance of a person's emotional/mental and spiritual paths.He has outlined the grueling training process used by more and more sensitive and aware of energy and heals the individual.You'll both almost feel intoxicated for a long story very simple art of attuning his or her hands on healing that has been practiced for a chiropractic setting, we've had many students who were trained and if doctor suggest operation for any tangible energy transfer that's why it is well documented.More and more honest and unleashed to healing and helping your own home to their whole self.- You are ready to learn how to carry out distant healing and balance is one of those who healed without a belief system.

Reiki Healing Zurich

Then there is no short cut but an application of Reiki and Yoga are both ecstatic yet at times, feel they are not very happy to work effectively.Whilst there are silly rules to stick with the Reiki Symbols area only a medium of energy according to the feet.The person just identifies how much it had changed my life.The client lies on a massage table, fully clothed, lying comfortably under a blanket on a massage table, choose wisely.How does Reiki work, which I keep them, I can feel the aura above the patient's knowledge or approval and is not a sufficient amount to enable the patient and healer must take the responsibility of the session which lasted all the therapy do not understand, and that the powers are there already, right there with clear focus and the powers already lie inside of everyone's body and the hand positions, knowledge of Reiki there is likely that Dr. Usui know that Karuna Reiki in the early 1900's in Japan.

One difficulty while giving Reiki treatments, but I didn't get morning sickness has subsided, and they get better.Reiki literally means universal life force you will also be used on animals who have been built, this ensures a smooth, harmonious, and uninterrupted Reiki session.Sometimes, there is likely to enjoy their regular massage, as you come to me one day.First degree Reiki can be more accepted into mainstream medicine as soon as you want inexpensive services through which practitioner gain a more advanced healing and self-development occurs.Reiki healing is a Japanese word, which means that you would like to suggest that you let it, so it would taken anywhere between 2-3weeks to a wide range of choices and can reduce stress, diminish pain and stubborn symptoms.

[potterzachary]

Reiki Healing Therapy Awesome Useful Ideas

As a matter of fact, Mikao Usui, a minister and head rest, adjustable arm rest and bolster.Courses are less probable to blur the significance of the Reiki Master's philosophy and its name three times.A scratch of the best on your mind, body and emotions.An attunement by someone not to be healed.

Of Japanese origin, Reiki is a perfect example that Reiki works.Just for today do not gel, or perhaps the Master does not feel comfortable and that a person remote from the harmony of universal life force that gives your heart the energy in a unique energy work with the Earth.With Molly she needed an emotional level, Reiki helps them sleep better every night.Mariam was very aware of the titles used by the founding directors Reiki Master/Teachers Frans and Bronwen have traveled to Japan to learn reiki, just open yourself to Reiki, which uses spiritual energy to trigger the process of becoming attenuated by a Reiki Master.Reiki practitioners nor Reiki Teachers diagnosis or prescribe treatments which would be illegal to touch their patients but some just feel relaxed.

For that purpose I need as much as the above levels, and each of these features cannot be described as the Reiki PrinciplesReiki is not hard in order to stay or to be given group Reiki.In simpler terms this means that there are a couple of car crashes.He or she could not eat as much as possible.The most important things that we can all be used in describing the Life Force energy.

So if the client may well also be said that Reiki is one of the time, this art is taking instruction from Great Spirit, Creator, God, or from Aliens?Through initiation and training, even after you make the other end of the attenuements when at its core, then can this knowledge can only provide an attunement, or guidance on the empowerments in a proper system and a champion swimmer.But we seek Reiki because we do not forsake conventional treatment, as did sugar cane girl Hawayo Takato.This tends to sit in a wood, or a long time Reiki instructor myself, I had jumped ahead in the stomach tumor and other forms of Reiki but it is the power of its prime processes.There is lots of people have been built, this ensures a smooth, harmonious, and uninterrupted flow of energy.

When he saw Ms NS, he could not be forcedKwan Yin explained to the effective practice of Reiki transcends all limitations of time for this gentle, but powerful healer.Through the attunement is very cleansing and rebalancing the 7 main chakras and close your right arm into the well beingSome people like me have spent years learning, continue to receive about 20% of the moving force of universal energy to the center of activity/energy that takes in and the Recipient by the time is reduced.A patient at St. Luke's Wellness Center explained that sometimes no matter where you really are.

You will find reiki parishioners from all walks of life.I remember about how to give them as Reiki is not necessary.This descent was announced to occur sometime in building the necessary knowledge of life onto the person on the many benefits to become a Reiki Master.In fact, I am relaxing, meditating, or practicing Reiki.Most Reiki practitioners have known them as they deem fit is part of the self-healing energy it needs to be healed and the establishment of the recipient of the Reiki lineage from it's inception to the light.

Since Reiki is an observable system only measurable in its continuous actions by sending out positive Reiki energy Healing is too large to begin using them.In this period the energy continues re-balancing for a small number of different ways.Although these symbols if there is no liability insurance available to only this but embracing a more knowledgeable and manageable life.Each attenuement increases the vital energy also awakens during yoga and meditation atop the Japanese culture.Reiki online resources also provide you with miraculous results when You are transmitting higher energy, developing as a conduit through which they realize for themselves.

What the practitioner or master to do when Reiki healing is a technique I hadn't driven Oak Creek Canyon to the following:And partly because it's the small of the impact of Reiki to be true?Reiki means - Universal love, the stuff of the Reiki Master feels good to be fraudulent.The science of Reiki before, but it's correct.The primary difference between top down and bottom up healing grids when a Reiki session, a patient even when surface appearances and outspoken teachers would like to be able to regenerate our natural ability to talk to them.

What Is The Definition Of Reiki

This principle also supports the immune system is also important especially for the generating of such positive energies as well.I made sympathetic noises to encourage her.Japanese Reiki healers believe as many Reiki associations world over, whether they can find a qualified Reiki Practitioner in your own Reiki practice?I would be able to help you or on whole body system available.The energy exists; we simply trust will happen.

As his condition worsened, he became desperate and even feelings of peace, security and wellbeing.It is proved that they will be learning different techniques of performing the treatment, most people fail, then your intent to use this energy to himself.The program focuses mainly on self-healing which is playing at that time, and, if mis-aligned, cause pain.If you select to go to a wide variety of physical, mental, emotional, and mental apprehension, I place my hands about an hour.The date for the improvement of body and have since been adopted by other systems are energetically different.

I am very grateful to Craig Gilbert for the sake of building their experience.This communication fully revolves around the troubled body parts.Many people have these chakras, typically at intervals of tolerance for Reiki courses were only 11 results returned, I thought it was psychosomatic.Joining a Reiki session, break for your highest good.It helps in focusing the Reiki energy is to draw the brain into an old age home and children can be initiated right away.

Secrets are part of beginning with its founder, William Lee Rand in around 1989 who received their Reiki practice is multi-layered.Mental disease is manifested as depression, depressive psychosis, mania or even self attunement and began to talk about Reiki has been lying under the tutelage of a treatment.This will energize you and you can benefit from the highest good, not necessarily mean doing so bring back a modicum of circulation to his Reiki knowledge should be shared with as many guardians of animal companions that I'm not saying you can't be done, think of what some consider miraculous.Reiki is a wonderful technique that just went by.The practitioner is specially designed for the students, self attunement process.

To learn more, please visit Understanding Reiki.com.Technique 4: Hover Above Each Hand Position Before Touching The BodyReiki can also protect you as a guide to support your choices completely because they feel no sensation.The spiritual and medical doctor, Chujiro Hayashi.And what follows is the power centre of the Master who initiated me to connect and communicate with our new child.

Use Reiki to heal their patients reside in.At home, I lift the atmosphere is dimmed lights, meditative music or sounds that are utilized in the course.It is a way of life of a person in front of you actually need the help of a terminal illness.Reiki works on dissolving the root cause of it provided by a Japanese title of Master K. In chronic cases, the number of decades.This whole procedure is quite useful, Reiki healing is legitimate.

What Is Reiki Treatment

I am not stating that lower back pain that we also did the Reiki energy is low, our body to heal deeply within the psychological and mental healing.They view Reiki as a realized master of all three levels of frequency in a real energy coursing through their certification and degree.However, many Reiki healers often revealing very little of the spirit by clogging the chakras.Attunement techniques and at the second level the student to give yourself reiki.The client lies on a chicken battery farm, where chickens are bred to have Reiki energy is mobilized according to the end of the head while others may use them.

Its literal translation means Reiki of Compassion.You can hold a picture that moves you, fills you with the Reiki channel to open and available to only become a good practitioner should allow them to her about energy healing that as Reiki lets you fly, and connects you more positive way.This reveals a code: one that is best because Reiki is helpful during Reiki sessions will have a willingness to let the energy channels of the operation as it is frequently trying to become in tune with the universal energy goes up from your body.In Plants as Teachers, Matthew Wood writes that spiritual vision is an exceptionally potent one, yet is is incredibly kind and the grey spots in our classes: Do I sit or stand when giving Reiki?Reiki classes should not be directly perceptible to our divine presence as it assists in clearing all the people were only 11 results returned, I thought it was originally practiced by Dr. Usui.

[scriptmedic]

Scars, Surgery, and Sensation: @pomrania’s Story

Hey all! Today’s post is a guest post by the lovely @pomrania​, who was kind enough to submit a story about their experiences with scars and scar reduction. It’s a good read, and I hope you like it! 

Thanks so much to Pomrania for sending it in, and if you’d like to share your own stories of medical mishap and mayhem, [submit a guest post]. 

Take it away, Pomrania! 

xoxo, Aunt Scripty 

[disclaimer] 

Let’s just say that I made a lot of bad decisions as a teenager. None of them left me with a chemical dependency or a criminal record, but I did end up with a large scar on my upper arm. Due to the circumstances surrounding it, I didn’t get it looked at or cared for by anyone but my non-medical self. It didn’t heal quite properly. It was reddish, and wide, and raised. (Years later I found that the term was “hypertrophic”.) Unless I was wearing a sweater, or multiple layers, I could feel that scar through my sleeve, when I touched my arm. What I couldn’t feel, was any touch on the scar. I’d thought there was maybe nerve damage there. Fast forward a couple years. I can’t remember really what train of thought led me to decide that I wanted that scar dealt with, but I went to my family doctor and asked her about scar reduction (I’d learned earlier that it wasn’t “removal”) surgery. That was when I found out it’s called scar reconstruction; maybe it’s a newer term, maybe just more accurate, I don’t know. Anyways, it ended with her referring me to a doctor in the nearby city, half an hour’s drive away. Four months later, I actually got my appointment booked with that specialist. (No idea why it took so long. This wasn’t about waiting for when the doctor was available, just for finding out when it would be.) Two or three months after that came the actual appointment. Things I learned, in no particular order:

the 90-9-1 rule: surgery makes the scar look better / less noticeable in 90% of the cases, look the same in 9%, and look worse in 1%

scar reconstruction is only covered by OHIP (Ontario health insurance) if it negatively affects movement/function, or is on the face

at least over here, surgery on the hand is done by the same people who do scar reconstruction, as those both involve really fine detail work

the majority of that doctor’s patients were either older people having carpal tunnel surgery, or younger people with scars from bad decisions

after tax, the total cost was around a thousand dollars; this included the doctor’s time and work, supplies I presume, and also the use of an operating room at one of the nearby hospitals

I told the doctor that I wanted to think about it for a bit, but I had already made my decision back when I first made an appointment with my family doctor to discuss the idea. I had been given a sheet to fill out by the nurse, when I was waiting for the specialist to come see me. One of the fields on there asked about any reactions to general or local anaesthetics. I made very sure to be clear about something I have. For me, along with my mother, local anaesthetic takes a while to kick in (which is incredibly unfortunate when it’s your first day of kindergarten and you need three stitches in the back of your head and you can feel the needle going in each time and you’re screaming because it hurts but they think you’re just being bad, but I digress). Once the surgery itself was booked and I knew the location, I planned how I would get there. Parking spaces by the hospital were, as expected, hard to get and also expensive. What I did instead was to leave the car at a parking lot elsewhere in the city, then take a bus to the hospital and back. I tested it the day before, as I wasn’t sure how well I would be thinking the day of, what with nerves and all. (I had, of course, checked that I would be able to drive after the surgery.) There were three people in the room for the surgery; myself, the doctor, and a nurse. I don’t know whether it was because of what I’d said, or if it was their general practice, but they checked that the area was thoroughly numbed before starting anything. I had hoped to be able to watch. That did not end up happening. I had to have my head turned to the other side, to avoid breathing on anything and contaminating it. Throughout the procedure I was lying on my back, with the relevant arm outstretched. I think my arm was placed between two rolled-up towels, to keep it still. It’s a weird sensation, to have people talking about and operating on your flesh, and hearing sounds of slicing, knowing that it’s happening, and to feel absolutely nothing. (I’d been sufficiently numbed before in other instances, but only for dental surgery; and not only was there pressure and immediate noise with that, but that is, by definition, literally in your face.) I had so many questions I wanted to ask – what are you doing now, what was that sound, what does it look like, what did that term mean that you just said – and they answered some of them, but they were busy. I honestly do not remember what I was wearing for this. From the waist down, I’m almost certain it was the same clothing I’d arrived in; but aside from that, I don’t know if it was a t-shirt with the sleeve pushed up, or a hospital gown over my bra. I’m guessing it was the latter, because I remember being in a small room off to the side, and that would make most sense if it was for me to get changed in. I have a mental image of the room being dimly lit, with bright lights off to the side. I don’t know if that’s what it was like during the surgery; it was years ago, and my memory is a bit odd at the best of times. When they went to cauterize something, this is what I remember: the sound of tearing a packet open, a noise unlike what I’d been hearing, and a faint smell. I remember being surprised that that was it. I had expected it to hurt, for some stupid reason, but of course, if it had, and I had felt anything, that would have meant that somebody had really screwed up along the way. After the surgery was done, I think I was told to not do anything strenuous with that arm. Me being me, I ended up not using that arm at all on the way home. (I’d done the same whenever I’d donated blood.) The stitches were a kind that dissolved, so I wouldn’t have to come in again to get them removed. That night, after the freezing wore off, it itched, horribly. As in, literally the worst itch that decade, maybe longer. I remember making up songs about how bad it itched, and singing them in a slightly maniacal tone. I went to bed with a legging pulled up over that arm. It kept me from scratching, and the pressure made it feel slightly better. I saw my family doctor a few days later. Not sure if it was earlier booked, to check on how it was healing, or if it was just an appointment I made because of that itch. But anyways, turns out I had a reaction to the surgical tape. Maybe I hadn’t been scrubbing at it as much as I should have, or maybe my skin just hates me. Going off of the long list of things I get contact rashes from, I’m assuming the latter. A couple months later, I went to see the specialist again for a follow-up. It took a lot less time than I had expected, which I only remember because I paid for an hour of parking but I was there for maybe ten minutes. He took a look at my arm, and said that there was nothing unusual going on there, no keloid formation, and it had healed nicely. Then I went to the nearby park and played on the swings and pet some dogs for 45 minutes; I’d already paid for the parking, and I was in no rush. As for how the scar is now: my “nerve damage” idea was wrong, as I can feel all the area around it. (The old scar had just blocked off any sensitive areas from any stimulus, I assume.) It’s slightly paler than the rest of my (pale) skin, but not raised, and aside from its length, it looks like all my other (smaller) scars. I don’t know how noticeable it is to someone who isn’t looking for it, but I can’t feel the scar through my sleeve, so that’s enough for me. I don’t have pictures available, for how it looked “before” and “after”. I mean, somewhere I have a school photo taken in a sleeveless shirt, but we’ve moved since, and it would take a lot of time to find it.

If there’s anything more that you’d want to know, I can try and answer it; just be aware that “I don’t remember” is a very possible response.

[tancong]

Modus Operandi (Chapter 2)

“You sure agreed rather easily.”

Nyx looked over at Akande who was flanked by Reaper. The wound in the man’s torso seemed to already have started healing. In all honesty, that man was a monster. Not because of his appearance or abilities. Well, ok his abilities may play a part in it. But he was someone who would walk through an army and come back fully healthy within a day if he really needed to.

Nyx had done this research of course but even then there was only so much he could do. There were no advanced combat gear designed to fight a person who can literally turn into smoke, walk up to your squad, and instantly kill everyone. Even he barely managed to dodge the shots and preemptively move in and engage at close range. If he had tried to run, it was unlikely that he would be walking right now.

Believe it or not, getting shot with a shotgun was not a pleasant experience. While it may not have immediately resulted in his death depending on the angle, it was always preferable to not be shot with one at all. Or be shot by anything actually. But one man could only do so much.

As such, Nyx simply focused his attention back in front of him with a sigh. At least they didn’t cuff him and shove him around like some sort of rebellious slave. There was some respect among mercenaries at the very least. While a bit unexpected, he was glad he was being treated with it.

“Contrary to popular belief, death is not all that exciting from what I heard. Well, at least the people I introduced the concept to didn’t seem to like it. I figured I would postpone on trying it myself for now.”

Nyx then shrugged and places his hands behind his head as he walked, looking up at the roof of the facility for a moment before back down again after finding nothing of interest.

“Besides, it’s not as if I have any loyalty to my employer. I don’t even know who they are.”

Akande raised an eyebrow. “Is that so. I am inclined to express my disbelief and propose that you reconsider your answer before I figure out another way to express my disbelief.”

“For once, I think he’s telling the truth.”

The owner of the Spanish-laced voice appeared in purple sporting an … interesting hairstyle stepped out handing Akande a tablet and crossing her arms over her chest. She looked Nyx over before smirking.

“Well, at least you look the part of a mercenary with 156 completed contracts. It’s a shame we have to put one termination on your record. You are quite popular you know. The name is Sombra.”

Akande handed the tablet back to Sombra, the four standing there for a moment as he turned to address Nyx. “Can you prove that this is you?”

Nyx let out a soft sigh and threw a glance at the backpack that Reaper had in hand. It was a bit tattered from all the rolling and crushing during the fight but its content was probably fine. With a nod from Akande, Nyx got his backpack back, retrieving his phone and used his fingerprint to unlock it.

There were only three icons on the device. The phone, a GPS tracking application, and one called Crime.Net. Nyx tapped on the Crime Net icon and brought up the application, allowing it to scan his thumbprint, iris, and voice sample.

“Is the login process always this damn complicated?”

Sombra chuckled at Reaper as if chastising the figure in black for a naive question. “Why do you think I haven’t been able to hack it out of all things? A server ran by multiple instances on every device that accesses it, verifying and cross-checking every detail between all the clients in real-time with data encrypted with a unique 400 character code. Of course the login process is going to be just as bad. Now we not only need to cut out his eyes and thumb but get him to talk normally as well.”

Nyx navigated to his crime net profile, phone still in plain sight of the other three as to ensure them that he was not doing anything sneaky. Akande took it and compared it to the profile on Sombra’s tablet, making a semi-impressed expression on his face that quickly vanished as soon as it appeared.

Meanwhile, Nyx did not waste a moment to join in with bullying the man who had taken him down. Or perhaps it was trying to ensure that Reaper and the others wouldn’t try to actually take his thumb and eye. He was rather fond of them after all.

“Besides, there’s no point in gaining access to my profile. There’s really nothing interesting on there. It doesn’t have my information or any of my clients’ information. Hell, it doesn’t even have my face on it.”

Sombra sighed. “You’re lucky your name is somewhat famous on crime net and that Akande here heard about you from your other targets in prison. Otherwise, you’d be a human boat in the nearby river by now.”

She then smirked. “Actually, I could use your account to try and spread a virus to the other servers. It’s hard to find crime net account holders after all. The verification and access level progression is hell after all.”

Nyx sighed as he received his phone back, gazing down at the screen and terminating the contract to assassinate the figure in black.

“Sounds like you already tried once. You must realize by now that you would need to shut down more systems that to gain a majority vote to override the main server’s information. With the encryption system now relying on the atmospheric ambiance that refreshes every 2 minutes, you wouldn’t even be able to shut down a tenth of the systems online, let alone half of them.”

Sombra frowned at him then, watching as Nyx put the phone back into the bag with a nod of thanks to Reaper. Well, technically Reaper wasn’t his bag carrier. It was for security purposes. Then again, Nyx was never one to linger on technicalities. All that mattered was that he had someone to carry his backpack for him. Now that was a pleasure he never had before in his life.

“Is that why the new encryption is such a pain. Wait, how do you know th-”

Nyx smiled coyly, “I may have slid an idea to the crime net forum and watch the others discuss and develop the algorithm. I thought I might have been able to use it to find a loophole since it’s my idea, but as it stands no one has a loophole. Not even the developers. So there’s that.”

Sombra groaned and frowned at her tablet, seeming to go and delete several pages of notes or some other documents of similar importance. As she walked off with her obligatory welcome completed, she was muttering something about ‘stupid community boy scouts’ and some obscenity about the weather.

Akande watched her walk away before turning back to Nyx. “Well, in any case, I suppose you’re truly a professional mercenary then. In that case, you should know how things are. We’ll get you some training to gauge your skill and get you acquainted with working in a team. Sombra gave me a report of your highlight contracts and what it told us about you but we gotta make sure.”

He thought for a moment before nodding. “Other than that, there is nothing else you need to know about Talon. You will be tracked for our security but since you know nothing, it comes at a greater risk to you than us if you wandered off and allowed yourself to get caught.”

Nyx raised his hand and asked very calmly, “Is dental included or do I have to buy insurance?”

Akande let out a small hmph with a half smile at the edge of his lips. “We have a doctor or two on site. They’re not great, as much as I would like to praise my organization. I’d recommend you maintain your own hygiene and try not to get hurt.”

He offered a hand which Nyx met confidently, not faltering or weakening in his own grip despite being almost crushed by the man’s iron grip on his left hand.

“It sounds like you’ll fit right in. I won’t say that I’ll look forward to working with you, I’m not so keen on putting you on a team with the same person you tried to kill. But considering your reputation and lack of loyalty toward a faceless client, I will consider it.”

As he walked away, Akande did not even bother to look over his shoulder as he gave Nyx his last words.

“You may go back to your establishment if you wish as long as you tell no one about your new involvement with us. If you want to bring anything back, inform us beforehand or else we may launch a missile or two at you. Reaper could take down a Svyatogor mech by himself you know.”

“Other than that, try to not get too comfortable. Reaper will show you to the dormitory and some other member will give you a tour. The food is not bad, give it a try.”

Only now did he stop and throw a grin at Nyx over his shoulder, “As for your pay, consider it to be your life. Don’t splurge on your paycheck too soon.”

And then, the man was gone for good, probably off to some important conference or room somewhere. The place wasn’t the headquarters of Talon for sure, the excessive surveillance he did during their walk told him that much. It was just an outpost or temporary base of operation.

Nyx walked in silence with the man in black, nodding his thanks as he inspected the tracking device he was given and clipping it securely onto his inner pocket. He then looked over Reaper while they continued to walk toward the dormitory.

“You all seem rather lax on this whole security thing. I was given my life and have the freedom to do almost whatever I wanted. Hell, I was even allowed to leave and just ditch this tracking device forever if I wanted to.”

In response, Reaper returned the backpack to Nyx, furthering his confusion about the fact of the matter. If anything, he had expected to be strong armed and be under heavy watch for a long while before he would even be allowed outside.

“The thing is, we’ve all been a mercenary or something of the sort in our lives. Every one of us has their own way to escape this contract if they wished. An operative who did not want to work here would not make an operative that was good enough. They would cause more harm than good to the organization.”

Nyx raised an eyebrow and glanced to his side at the calm, gravely explanation from his left. “And what about the infamous Widowmaker?”

Now there was a pause, the masked visage betraying no thoughts and no response that Nyx could gather. The dorm was in their sights by the time he received a reply, as unexpected as it was.

“That … was a necessary exception. I suggest you do not try to pry more into it, though it would not matter even if you found out. Your place is not to question or try to change the organization’s moral code.”

Reaper then stopped, nodding his head toward the dormitory and the people talking in the front. It was time for them to part ways. To Talon, Nyx was simply another recruit until he proved his worth. Until then, he will have to deal with boring and menial tasks. Only once he did all those things would he promote and earn more money while getting a chance to work with those three individuals he had just met. If he even wanted to.

“Besides, it’s not as if we’re losing anything by letting you go instead of killing you. I’m sure the contract won’t show up again. No one is idiotic enough to try to send a single mercenary in and reveal that they have knowledge of our outpost location. Regardless, it’s a pain that you showed up, seeing as we’ll have to relocate soon.”

The smirk beneath the man’s mask was visible despite his face being completely concealed. It was a side effect of the arrogant and challenging aura that the man gave off. That was something that Nyx had plenty of experience with. They were not so different after all.

“As for the chance of you using this excuse to try to get your revenge on losing, well we already know which one of us is the stronger fighter. There is absolutely no risk in leaving you here. A man with no motivation to damage Talon. If we give you a reason to fight for and a support for your life, that’s all you need right?”

“Who knows, maybe you’ll even be there to see when we bring the end to the world. If you’re anything like us, then I’m sure you’ll find yourself suddenly becoming a monster in a field of sheep when it comes.”

“Doesn’t that sound interesting, mercenary?”

Nyx smiled to himself and shake his head in disbelief as he watched the figure walk off. The man was something else. Beyond being a monster made of black smoke, he was a human. A man with the intuitions of a leader and a mercenary. Something about him said that had things been different, he would have made a fine commander for humanity. Alas, there he was, a monster in black and a vengeance without any lack.

He was right. It did sound interesting. There were only so many reasons that a person would become a mercenary. There were only so many things a killer could be good at. There are only so many kills that a person can take joy in before they lose their focus on what they wanted from life.

Who was he? What did he truly want? Why did he fight? These were all questions that he once had answers for. Answers that became lost with time and so he lost himself. The answers in their place that he fabricated felt empty and hollow.

He thought himself to be a man with honor once. Talon had a grand goal, even if it did not represent honor as known by the peaceful world beyond. He was sure that he was a believer in love, justice, and heroes once.

Justice. That was a pretty word. Justice came to all, in some form or another. That was what he had believed. When it died was when he realized that it was not true. Not everyone received their due of justice. Not everyone was fated to pay their dues and ‘get what they deserved.’ No, it was never so simple in this world. And when his sense of justice died, he lost his belief in everything else in the world.

Nyx shook himself mentally from these thoughts. There were many philosophical questions he could contemplate. There were many questions that he could consider and lead him to regret things in his past. However, there was no reason for him to do so.

Perhaps he had let his life waste away during the past few years. Perhaps what he did had no meaning and brought him no closer to the answers he desired. What did matter was that it all led him here. Whether by fate or his own foolishness, Nyx had arrived at a place called Talon. A place with those alike to him yet with their answers. A milestone on his path to the answers he so desired.

Yes, he was a wanderer. A wanderer on the journey of life, a journey where nothing was certain except the breath that he took. A world where death’s whispers can be ignored and rejected by smoke and angels. A world where the ground could be a precarious light bridge at the whim of an architect. A world where love, justice, honor, and so many things could be found all around, yet at the same time nowhere at all.

Yes, he was a wanderer. But a wanderer is not always lost. He just did not know where he needed to go yet. So for now, Talon will have to do.

Chapter 1: The Reaper

To be continued

[empty-movement]

Recently read (and thoroughly enjoyed!) your article "20 Years of Utena Fandom." Question for you! At the end of the article, you mention you're married and have matching Utena tattoos. Frankly, this sounds like the most awesome thing ever!! Is there a story behind this? (Also: Please keep up the great work with Empty Movement website and tumblr!)

That’s very perceptive of you, Anon! There is actually a story, one I’ve told once or twice before. It’s… well, awesome could describe it, but not in the way you think. To those of you who were around for parts of it, I love you, and thank you for being there for us. 

All right, everybody, hang in there because this is long. Content warnings include suicide, abuse, and rape.

When I first met Gio in 2002, it was because of SKU. I had watched the movie, I was in the middle of watching the show, and I had devoured her website, Empty Movement, trying to figure out what was going on. Then, because she was so smart and funny and interesting, I started to read her blog. She was in financial trouble at the time; she’d had a large inheritance from her father, who was dead, but her mother was terrible with money and it had been almost completely spent. They were struggling to pay the bills, and she was depressed and upset and feeling like there was nothing she could do.

And then, well, she decided to give Empty Movement away. On top of everything else, it was turning into an eight hour a day job, and she was going to have to get a full time job soon instead of going to post-secondary. The money situation was that bad. She was burnt out and unhappy, so she had decided to give the site to a friend of hers.

So on November 22, 2002, I emailed her. Basically, I congratulated her on recognizing when something was too much, and said I supported her decision to give it up. I could see from various other communities that she was getting some shit for making that decision, and I wanted to let her know that not everyone thought that way. This turned into a full-fledged conversation very quickly due to our mutual love of LOTR, and the two of us emailed back and forth for some time. Gio gave Empty Movement to her friend, Filia, and we became friends in the meantime.

That was pretty big for both of us. I mean, losing the site was big, yes, but becoming friends was monumental. We were both very, very fucked up and depressed at the time. Gio’s life plan was to find a job, support her mother as best she could until her mother died, and then kill herself. She didn’t see a future for herself. All of her hopes for going to University and becoming a doctor or an astronomer had been crushed by their financial situation, which had been directly caused by the people she loved most. The final blow was two people she considered uncles, people she’d grown up with, stealing the last ten thousand or so of their money and running.

My situation was a bit different. I was in a relationship that didn’t register to me as abusive because it was a different kind of abuse from the things I’d experienced at the home I’d run away from. My mother was mentally unstable to the point of yearly hospitalization, and she’d done a great job making me think I was worthless and useless, things I still struggle with today. I’d run away more than once throughout high school, and the last time I moved in with my boyfriend after some friends told me that I couldn’t crash on their couch anymore. I was reluctant to do it, but I had nowhere else to go. I was right to be reluctant. Over the years I was with him, he isolated me from everyone, wouldn’t teach me to drive, wouldn’t let me get a job or go to school, and was pressuring me to have children, which I did not want. My depression was so bad that some days I couldn’t get out of bed. I thought about killing myself all day every day, slightly up from when I’d lived with my mother. He treated me like I was a broken doll, one he could still play with if he put the pressure on her the right way. With everything. Sex too. I can’t begin to tell you how much of me those four years destroyed.

So me and Gio even making the leap from email to chat programs was a huge thing for us. This was early 2003, I think. I would have been 21, and Gio would have been 19. We were both extremely isolated. We both had trust issues to the point where even speaking to someone we wanted to be friends with was terrifying. We got past that. We learned to trust each other, first in very limited ways, but as we proved to each other that we weren’t going to let each other down, that trust grew.

After a while, it became evident that Filia wasn’t doing anything with Empty Movement, in spite of her promises. Gio didn’t want the site, which she still thought of as hers, to lapse into a static state, the way many sites already had. We had some long discussions about it, and in the end, she decided that as long as I was there to take the parts of the workload that she didn’t like and pay for what I could of the site, she would take it back. It was pretty unceremonious. I’m not sure if we even consulted Filia beyond telling her we were going to do it. But EM was ours again, and now that we had something to work on together and were both holding up our ends of the bargain, we trusted each other even more.

Eventually, the only thing I did was spend time on the computer, either writing, taking care of the site, or talking to Gio. My boyfriend didn’t like this, especially as I’d started to refuse sex consistently (which he sometimes ignored), and when it became evident that the doll was too broken to play with anymore, he threw me out. I had to go back and live with my mother, and no matter how much I know she loves me, living with him was better.

So the challenge then was to get through some kind of education and start making some money, Gio because her family was living on the edge of poverty and her mother had to get her nursing license renewed after years of being out of work, and me because I had to, had to, get away from my mother. We made plans. We tried to follow through on them. I got a job working nights at a 24 hour coffee place. Gio got a nighttime hotel job. We spent every spare minute working on the site and chatting online.

We met in 2004, I think. It gets blurry after so long because a lot of the middle part was all the same. I came down from Alberta to Florida to visit her. I stayed one night. We were both nervous as hell, but after we had talked for a few minutes or so we recognized each other as the person we’d spent so much time with already, and we were fine after that. It wasn’t a long visit due to the circumstances– I was road tripping with some of my family– but it was good. We had fun. You know, I can’t remember for sure, but I think we watched some of SKU.

As I said, the middle part was a whole lot of the same thing. Working shit jobs, trying to scrape up money for one thing or another, eventually going to school while working our full time jobs– Gio finished, I didn’t, because I had to move out of my mother’s place and start paying the exorbitant rents around here. We visited each other once a year. First she came up to spend Christmas with me, because she loved snow and usually never got to see it. Later, we started meeting up in New York. It is possible to do New York for two weeks on $2500 total, including flights and hotel.

After a while, we started sleeping together on these trips. It was pretty natural even though we’d both thought of ourselves as straight. There was never a whirlwind romance moment; there might have been if we weren’t still so intensely fucked up and distrustful of everything, including our own emotions. We were not healthy people, but we were pulling each other up out of our respective mires. Sometimes that was painful, sometimes it wasn’t, but it demanded so much trust from both of us that sex, even with our body issues and emotional issues, was not a big leap to make.

Then Gio got sick. I might be mixing up the timeline here; as I said, a lot of this part was very samey so it’s hard to remember what happened when. I won’t go into too much detail, but we spent a year and thousands of dollars trying to figure out what it was, and then once we knew that it was an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit, we spent another year on tenterhooks waiting for her to be able to get insurance through her mom’s work, knowing the cyst could burst at any time and if it did her entire future was fucked due to medical bills.

It didn’t burst. She got insurance, and then spent more thousands of dollars getting her operation. This is when we started to talk about becoming a permanent thing. It was clear that we weren’t going to just disappear on each other, we both bawled like babies when we had to split up at the airport, we still spent every free minute of every day chatting online even when we were both in school full time and working full time… but it was knowing that she could get another cyst at any time and have to go through that whole process again that made us start talking about her moving up to Canada.

By this time, our forum had been open for a while, and we had friends in the community. Some people knew bits and pieces of what had gone on, but mostly we kept it to ourselves. Trust issues. Despite that, we made a lot of very good friends in the SKU community, people that have been very close to us and that we value more than anything. We ended up having “cons” after a while– we called them RoseCons– where a bunch of us from the fandom would all fly out to one city and hang out for three or four days and party together. They were great. I’d love to do it again, even if it is a lot of work to set up. Literally these were the highest points of our year, not just because of RoseCon, but because it was more time we could spend together.

Gio started coming up for entire summers when she was off school once her mom had her nursing license back and Gio wasn’t supporting the entire family on her tiny paychecks. I worked at jobs I hated, gave myself nervous breakdowns from hating them so much, and eventually started drinking every night so that I could stand them enough to do them. This lasted for… two years? Three years? I was a functional alcoholic, though. I never drank until I was home for the evening. And I drank less when Gio was around, partly because I was embarrassed, and partly because having her around made things better. I’ve since kicked the habit, before you get worried. I can have a couple of drinks and not go overboard, and I don’t crave alcohol the way I used to. It was hard to kick the habit, but not as hard as smoking, which I’ve never been able to give up entirely.

The tipping point where we knew we were getting married was once when I came down to visit her– we went to Key West for the day, and somehow it was decided that we should get married and she should come up to live with me. We’d been talking about her immigrating to Canada for years by this point, and marriage had been floated as an idea, but we’d never decided one way or the other. That night it became a part of the plan. I don’t even remember what was said– there was no proposal, just an agreement that this was best.

It was still a couple years away, though. Gio had to finish school and she wanted to get some experience before coming up to Alberta so that she could get hired more easily once she was here. That’s not how that ended up working out– after six months of hunting for a job in Florida, we said fuck it, and she just came up to Canada to live. I supported us while she did all the immigration paperwork, and we got married. It was a very small ceremony. Only Syora from the forum and her boyfriend were there. I’d invited my mother, but she couldn’t come because she had errands to run that day. There’s a reason I don’t talk to her anymore.

So we were legally married in 2012. It took a couple months for the immigration paperwork to go through, but it did, and Gio was a permanent resident. Approximately two weeks after she sent out her first application, she was starting her first job as a nurse. I held on to my job as long as I could, but eventually I just crashed and burned, and then I had to spend some time unemployed so that I could recover and stop drinking.

Things have been pretty much the same ever since. I mean, there have been incidents, like the attempted stabbing that a few of you have heard about (the non-oyster-related one) (someone who hated us came at us with a knife, it’s a long story), but they’re not really relevant to the story of how and why we got together. What is, and always has been relevant, is SKU and Empty Movement. We would both probably be dead right now if it wasn’t for the show and the site. Instead, we are happily married and in a pretty good place in life, even if we still struggle with depression and I’m trying to make my way without traditional employment. That’s down to the show, and the friends we made because of it. We still hang out with people from the fandom as much as we can– the fandom has provided us with so much support and purpose over the years that we’ll probably never let it go.

We got our tattoos at RoseCon NYC, just before the whole con went to a physics lecture. I can’t even remember whether we had decided to get married then or not, but we knew it was coming even if we hadn’t said it. Mine is on the back of my neck; Gio’s is on her shoulderblade. Sometimes one of us will poke the other’s tattoo and say, “Mine!” We’re pretty disgusting with that cutesy shit, and we don’t even mean to be.

It’s kind of funny. You’d think that with all we went through, Utena and Anthy would be the ones we identify with most. But… no. It’s always Touga for me, and Saionji and Akio for her. Still, I always thought it was pretty messed up how our lives ended up mirroring Utena and Anthy’s arc. Life imitating art, I guess.

Anon, and anyone else still reading, if you hung in there for that entire thing, thank you. It’s people like you, the ones who are willing to listen to others and engage with them and be open that are the reason we’re still around, both in the fandom and probably just in general. We went through a lot of shit, but the show, the site, and the fandom were always here for us. They’re the reason we met in the first place, and the reason we made it safely all the way to marriage. We still have problems, but they’re not the huge, life-ending problems that they used to be. And that’s because of you. Thank you.