#he yelled at Jack because he disagrees with her doctors over things he has no business speaking on

[fruitless-vain]

I feel like it is potentially not the wildest idea that perhaps if you Hate Christmas and are going to be a Rude Ass Cunt for the entire evening it may be a good idea to not demand that the holiday happens at your house? Demanding that *you host* claiming that you *love hosting* and then, actually, getting mad at everyone for every little thing and overall just having an obnoxious attitude complaining left right and centre over any thing you can think of

You can just choose to not be a part of the holiday. You can be a grown ass adult and say “I don’t want to receive or give gifts this year” or “I’m not liking hosting so let’s do it elsewhere” or any number of potential communication tactics that aren’t Snapping At Everyone For Any Given Reason

You can just, yknow, not participate instead of actively ruining the evening for everyone you’re supposed to care about?

[falseroar]

Silver and Peppermint (Part 6)

((Part 6 of a fantasy AU, where Monster Hunter Abe and his reluctant partner, the DA, are trying to track down a murderous werewolf. With one suspect more than helpful and the other on his way to the hospital, Abe and the DA have just one person connected to the victims left to talk to.

Links to Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 7, and the Epilogue.))

With these questions in mind, Abe and his District Attorney went to Garroway’s house, an older building in a still upscale neighborhood. The wiry, gray-haired woman met them at the door, her deep-set eyes knowing even as she feigned surprise at the sight of the DA and the hunter on her doorstep.

“Please, come in,” she said and ushered them into a living room, modest at first glance until you noticed the paintings on the walls were originals, the furniture of a quality that wore its age well while still being comfortable enough that Abe doubted he would be able to get back up again if he sat down.

Which is why he paced around the room before taking up a stand where he could see the faces of his partner and the theater owner. She tilted her head at his behavior but said nothing, as she no doubt dealt with stranger personalities on a weekly if not daily basis.

“While I don’t begrudge your visit, I had hoped to see you again at the theater, Y/N, not in my own home under these circumstances,” Garroway said, her eyes flickering toward the hunter.

“I don’t have much time for entertainment these days,” the District Attorney answered. “I suppose you’re aware of the recent string of murders in the city?”

“Yes, unfortunately. Alex Haywood was a firm supporter of the theater, as were the other victims. He had access to reserved seats for any show if he just asked, because there are so many shows we wouldn’t be able to put on without the help of donors like him.” Garroway sighed, her eyes dropping to her hands. “I’ll admit the news hit me hard. I haven’t been out in days, and my poor assistant has been run ragged between staying on top of things at the theater and keeping me updated. You know how some of our actors can be…temperamental.”

The District Attorney gave a nod but said, “Did your financial connections to Haywood ever extend beyond donations? After all, I know there were some talks of renovating the theater in the near future.”

“Oh, there’s always talks, but I’m afraid we hadn’t moved so far as to start looking at contractors. I admit Alex’s company would have been one of our considerations, although he may not have been able to make the time for us. The downside of booming business, I suppose.”

“I’m not sure ‘booming’ would be the right word,” the District Attorney answered. “Abe here and I recently came into possession of some financial documents that might suggest otherwise. Perhaps he spread himself a little thin?”

The District Attorney’s expression did not change, but Abe knew they had to be watching the old woman just as closely as he did. Maybe they were just as disappointed as he felt when she did not react at all to that news besides a little, curious, “Hm. Perhaps.”

“Do you know anything about how Haywood and the others died?” Abe asked, if only to get some kind of reaction out of the woman.

In turn, she fixed him with the same, even stare and said, “I know that it was murder, and after the police came by last night, I now know I am being watched. I would thank you for thinking of my safety, but you’re not with the police, are you? Just who are you, exactly?”

“Name’s Abe Lincoln, monster hunter,” Abe answered without hesitation. At this point he was used to ignoring the attorney’s reaction whenever he introduced himself, but the small turn at the corner of the theater owner’s lips put him on the defensive. “I’ve had years of experience with the worst this world has to offer, monsters that infest more than just the space under your bed or the back of your closet. I’ve dirtied my hands more times than I count stopping things your nightmares would turn and run at the sight of, so you should know that when I’m called in on a case this isn’t your run of the mill Jack the Ripper situation going on.”

“Oh, what a nice little speech. I should write that down,” Garroway said, a hint of a laugh in her voice. “You can’t seriously be suggesting that something supernatural is at work here. The city’s walls are warded, no troll or hag or what have you is going to come waltzing in. Not without raising some serious questions about how safe our people are, questions that shouldn’t be rooted on some baseless rumors. Isn’t that right, Y/N?”

“The Mayor saw fit to call in an expert,” they answered, no hint in their tone of voice or in their expression to give away what was going on behind those eyes. “And Franklin seemed convinced that he needed protection from something that was not human. Do you know why that might be?”

“Franklin? Bless his heart, he’s always been…susceptible to fits of fear and paranoia. Why, after our rendition of Carmilla, he took it in his head to wear a bulb of garlic on a key chain next to a crucifix! A useful habit to have if you find yourself cooking often, I suppose, but I somehow doubt he had anything to fear vampire-wise. Surely you’re not basing your entire investigation on that?”

“We have evidence that a werewolf was at all four crime scenes,” Abe answered. “Believe me, I know the signs of a werewolf when I see them.”

There it was again. That little sound, a small “hm,” a tiny tone that suggested a laugh maybe, or just an ounce of disbelief at his words.

He knew he would regret it, but he couldn’t stop the word from slipping out. “What?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing. I just find it interesting that of course a hunter is going to find evidence that some beast was at work here. After all, if it was just some bad egg at work, the city wouldn’t need you, now would it?”

Abe bristled, but it was the District Attorney who spoke up first.

“I’ve seen the bodies. I’ve seen what this thing has done, what it’s capable of. This is more than just some ‘bad egg,’ Ms. Garroway.”

“Of course, I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful in that regard,” she answered with a placating gesture in the attorney’s direction.  “But humans are capable of some truly terrible things on their own, as I’m sure you’re well aware, Y/N. I just fear that this hunter’s narrow-minded outlook will steer the investigation in the wrong direction entirely.”

Abe felt the heat rising to his face as he stepped forward, ready and willing to remind her that she was still a suspect in this whole thing, but he barely got the words, “Now look here—” out before there was a knock at the front door and the sound of it opening followed by a vaguely familiar voice calling out.

“Ms. Garroway? It’s Luke, I finished those errands for you this morning and I wanted to drop these off before I—”

The man stopped mid sentence when he spotted the three occupants of the living room, his surprise almost comparable to Abe’s own when he recognized the barista from the coffee shop—or rather, the fake from earlier.

The “barista” dropped the dry cleaning he had flung over one shoulder and turned to run, but Abe was faster and soon had him pinned to the wall of the hallway with his face pressed against the wood paneling and his visible eye rolling around in panic.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Garroway yelled, proving that she was more than capable of projecting her voice when she needed to. Her hand grabbed at Abe’s shoulder, but he ignored it as she said, “That is my assistant you’re manhandling! Let him go, right now!”

“Step back, please,” the District Attorney said behind her, and Abe felt the theater owner back off even as the attorney continued, “Abe, explain. Now.”

“This piece of scum was the one in the coffee shop this morning,” he said, pressing harder when Luke tried to struggle. “He’s the one who pretended to work there and gave me who knows what to drink.”

Abe lowered his voice and added into the assistant’s ear, “I don’t take kindly to poisoning. Lost a partner that way, and I can tell you it’s not a good way to go.”

“You can’t prove that was me,” the assistant said, his voice slurred thanks to the wall against his face. “I’ve never seen you before in my life! I’ve been running errands for Ms. Garroway all morning, I swear.”

“Abe, move aside,” the District Attorney said, their stare warning him not to argue. When the assistant started to move, they pressed one hand to the back of his head and said, “I didn’t say you could move. This is a serious accusation, one worth following up with the police. I’m going to search you now, do you understand?”

He muttered something under his breath, but with Abe ready and willing to step in if he resisted, the District Attorney was able to check inside the bags he had dropped alongside the dry cleaning before patting him down.

Only to stop at his waist, where they pulled a small bottle out of his pocket.

“Care to explain what’s in this?” they asked.

“Medicine,” he answered without hesitation. “I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping lately, my doctor said it would help.”

“No label, so we’ll have to get someone to verify that,” the District Attorney said. They popped the lid off and made a small ‘tsk’-ing sound before saying, “I’m guessing your doctor didn’t suggest you use this all at once, as I can only imagine that would get you more than just one night of sleep.”

“That’s why I had it on me, so I wouldn’t forget to go to the pharmacy for a refill,” Luke answered.

“So I’m sure your doctor or your pharmacist would be willing to confirm that when I talk to them later,” the District Attorney said as they slipped the empty bottle into their pocket.

“That’s my medicine, you can’t just take it!” Luke turned to scowl at both of them. “I don’t even know what you two are talking about, and I’m not going to the police!”

“While I disagree wholeheartedly that Luke had anything to do with this nonsense,” Garroway said, giving Abe an evil stare, “If you insist on taking him in, I’m sure the police would be more than willing to look into this when they have real matters to deal with. And I will make sure the press is aware of this behavior.”

“As I said, these are serious accusations,” the District Attorney answered with a terrible calm as they studied Garroway. “I will need a statement from you, concerning Luke’s duties as your assistant and what you know of his movements this morning.”

“…Of course,” Garroway said, and even the District Attorney seemed surprised by her sudden change of tone. “I will be more than happy to share the chores I had him complete, and I am sure that everyone from the dry cleaner to the shop assistant will confirm his whereabouts. I am sure you have this ‘tainted coffee’ on hand to compare against Luke’s medicine?”

The District Attorney hesitated and Abe thought of the empty cup he tossed into the bin, its contents long dried up on the sidewalk outside of the Mayor’s office.

A cruel smile began to form around Garroway’s mouth. “Oh. Well, what about witnesses? You say this happened in a coffee shop, there must have been someone around to see this charade.”

Abe cleared his throat, but neither answered.

“I see. Then this should be a short visit, more than enough time to make some calls afterward. Do lead, Y/N, Abe. Luke, I promise I won’t count this against your hours if you remembered to pick up the burgundy ribbon from the shop the costume designer’s been begging for.”

“Of course, ma’am, it’s in the bag with the rolls of fabric he ordered.”

“Lovely. Well? I don’t have all day here. There’s a new show starting in two weeks, we have things to do.”

The District Attorney clapped a hand on Luke’s shoulder and said, “As you wish.”

Except there was no way in hell Abe was about to let these two leave on their terms. He wasn’t sure what came over him, whether it was the tone of Garroway’s voice or the sneer on the face of the assistant when he caught his eye, but Abe’s mouth always had a tendency of running away and leaving the rest of him to catch up.

“Hold on a second there,” Abe said, his hand already digging in a pocket of his great coat, past the rummage sale worth of odds and ends that he found useful on the job until he came across something he picked up special for dealing with cases like this one. “I want those hands where I can see them.”

The District Attorney tensed at the sight of the silver handcuffs he pulled out of his pocket with a flourish, but before they could say anything, he had already slapped them on the wrists of the assistant.

Luke immediately screamed and dropped to the floor, his body curling in on the cuffs.

“Get those off!” Garroway screamed, almost matching the noise coming from the young man. She grabbed the collar of the stunned District Attorney and shook them when they failed to move. “Get them off him, right now!”

“Stop thrashing,” Abe growled, already trying to use his key to unlock the cuffs but struggling to get it in the lock. “I said, DON’T MOVE!”

The second the cuffs were off, Luke had both hands buried against his chest under his shaking arms and he sat there rocking back and forth on the ground, tears still streaming from his eyes.

“What did you do to him?” Garroway asked, her voice low and accusing as she moved between the two of them. “What was that?”

“Just silver,” Abe said, holding the handcuffs up for inspection. “Partner, call this in. We’re going to need more than just the two of us to bring him in.”

“I don’t…” The District Attorney stared at Luke and the hand cuffs, their expression confused.

“Did you hear me? Call the station or I’ll do it!” Abe didn’t mean for the command to come out as harsh as it did, or expect them to flinch away when he moved closer.

This wasn’t what he expected either, and as he went to the phone he could hear Garroway’s voice speaking to the District Attorney, the disbelief and condescension in her tone at the very hint of the accusation.

“You know this isn’t right, Y/N,” he could hear her say as he waited to be taken off hold long enough to explain what was going on. “I’ve known Luke for years, he’s not some monster. But of course, he would find a werewolf just when it suits him. There’s no way Luke could have been involved in the murders, we have dozens of witnesses who will stand for him while you waste your time with this hunter.”

“…We have to check every lead, Ms. Garroway. I’m sure you will still be willing to accompany Luke to the station?”

“And after that to the press,” she said, but Abe couldn’t hear the rest of her words, only the biting tone as he told the officers what to bring.

Luke showed no signs of resisting when the dozen officers arrived and walked him out, but that was no guarantee he wouldn’t try something halfway to the station. Abe watched them walk him out to the vehicle with Garroway walking in step and evidently ready to ride in the back with him, yammering all the way about wanting to make sure nothing happened to her assistant like he wasn’t the most dangerous thing in this vehicle.

Halfway down the steps, the District Attorney stopped short, letting the rest of the group go ahead.

“You okay there?” Abe asked when he noticed they weren’t following. “Come on, you should be there for the questioning.”

“Something about this doesn’t feel right,” they said softly.

“Look, he wasn’t on our radar. It happens. But working for Garroway would explain how he knew the other victims, and he could have used her connections and said whatever he needed to get into each of the houses.”

“But why? What’s the motive?” they asked.

“What motive? He’s a werewolf, that’s all the motivation he needs!”

Yeah, he probably shouldn’t have shouted that in the middle of the street. Every single officer there shot him a dirty look while the whispers started in the crowd already gathered to watch the spectacle, but none of them gave him the stare that the District Attorney did before they turned to one of the officers in charge and began asking him about Franklin and sending a guard detail to the hospital to keep an eye on him.

“Y/N,” Abe said, and when they ignored him, “Partner, I—”

“Not your partner,” they interrupted, turning on him in an instant once the officer agreed. “You go with them, question Luke and Garroway, see what you can get out of them. I’m going to stay here and see what I can find, compare everything back at my office to see what we missed. Because we’ve missed something, Abe, and I want to know what that is before this goes any farther.”

“…Sure,” Abe said, biting back what he wanted to say. He understood the DA’s frustration, the need for all the little pieces to fit together nice and neat even if he didn’t agree with it. They would see soon enough that the case was over. They could all go home, once the wolf was taken care of.

((Thank you for reading!

Here’s the link to Part 7.

Tagging: @silver-owl413 @skyewardlight @withjust-a-bite @blackaquokat @catgirlwarrior @neverisadork @luna1350 @oh-so-creepy @purpstraw @weirdfoxalley @95fangirl @lilalovesinternet-l @thepoolofthedead @a-bit-dapper @randomartdudette @geekymushroom @cactipresident @hotcocoachia @purple-anxiety-blog @shyinspiredartist @avispate ))

[the--sad--hatter]

Name Calling (47)

FANDOM - MARVEL MCU, DEADPOOL & X-MEN

PAIRING - BUCKY X READER (female reader, no physical descriptions)

WARNINGS - ALL OF THEM, SMUT, VIOLENCE ANGST

DESCRIPTION -  

Vernichtung - Destruction, Annhialation.

It was what you were named and what you were supposed to be but the only thing you wanted to destroy was Bucky Barnes.

The ongoing and bloody war of words between you and Bucky turns in your favor when a disgruntled one night stand of his lets slip a secret when you run into her in the elevator… Now you have all the ammunition you need to destroy your enemy but you don’t plan on killing him quickly. Oh no, Bucky Barnes was going to suffer and you were going to enjoy every second. You just didn’t count on enjoying it quite so much.

But when your past catches up to you in the form of the mad scientist who made you, Bucky might be one of the only things that can save you from yourself. You can’t run from what you are but with his help, you can fight back.

Current Word Count -  127,743

MASTERLIST  or   Read on Ao3

Moodboard by @talesofakindredspirit

Chapter Forty-Seven - The Doctor Will See You Now

Jack Docherty, like all men was born with the potential for good and evil. There was no deciding factor ingrained in his DNA. At 06:24 am on December 3rd 19 1951 he was born a blank slate and his fate was to be decided by the man and woman the midwife handed him too.

Ian Docherty was a man of faith, a God fearing man. To him, the squealing babe in his arms was another miracle of the lord.

Emma Docherty was a woman who felt she was forsaken by God and her husband. To her, her infant son was nothing more than another burden.

The first three years of Jack Docherty’s life were unremarkable. Seven months into the third year, everything changed.

“Your father is sick. God is punishing him.” His mother told him.

Jack crept into his fathers room and peered at him over the top of the bed. His once vibrant father was nothing more than a bag of bones lying on the bed, his skin sallow and sunken in, stretched over his skeleton. His chest rasped and wheezed as he tried to breathe. Jack reached up and with his little fist, grabbed his fathers hand.

Almost like magic, colour bloomed across his fathers flesh and life returned to him. For the first time in days he opened his eyes. There was a small thump from the next to the bed and he looked down.

“Jack? Jack? EMMA!” He yelled.

Emma Docherty rushed into the room, falling onto her knees next to her sons prone form. As soon as she touched the boy her skin took on a sallow palour. And so at three years and seven months old, Jack Docherty healed his father and killed his mother.

“God knew my wife was poisoning me and gave me a son to heal me and punish her for her sins.” His father told the church.

At first nobody believed him but when his son lay hands on old Mrs Carver and she was healed of her blindness they knew the truth. It didn’t matter to them that Jack was now blind. It didn’t matter to his father. Until he realised that the next person Jack touched would inherit the blindness.

That was the day his father started buying rats. It was also the day Mrs Carver saw her husbands transgressions with the neighbour and killed them both.

Not even four years old and Jack Docherty was dragged to churches up and down the country to heal the sick, no matter how much pain it caused him. And everywhere they went there was a trail of dead rats and ungrateful people.

When Jack Docherty was seventeen years old he laid hands on a man with a painful, terminal disease. And instead of passing it to a rat, he passed it to his father.

“When you see God, ask him why he would do this to me and not expect my revenge.” Jack hissed to his dying father.

Evil is not born in the womb, it festers over time, through tragedy. And humanity was evil, Jack Docherty knew this to be true.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Leaving Bucky behind was the only way to keep him safe, if you hadn’t then he would be in a cell next to yours and while you loved him, you weren’t quite that co-dependant. Besides, if you were going to get out of this then you wanted Bucky out there, looking for you.

So you went quietly, letting Docherty lead you to the helicopter. You had planned to kill him as soon as you were in the air and you knew Bucky was safe but he had planned for that and as soon as you stepped onto the craft you were hit with several tranq darts and tazed for good measure.

When you woke up again it was in a cage almost identical to the one you had grown up in, the only difference was the room around it. This room was dark and musty and your grandfather was sat waiting for you to wake up.

He’d never been much of a talker before, apparently he had a lot to share now though.

Of all the tortures Docherty had subjected you to over the years, this was by far the worst. You shoved your hands in your pockets and gave him a bored look.

“So you’re a mutant?” You asked casually, it had been the only part of his story that had picked up your interest.  

“It never occurred to you I might be?” He asked, as if genuinely surprised you didn’t know.

In retrospect, it made sense. Your mother was a mutant, she had to have got it from somewhere. It also explained how he had poisoned a mutant with healing abilities.

“Honestly I never really gave much thought to why you were such a dick and I gotta say... Cool backstory, you’re still an asshole.” You responded with a shrug.

“Such fire. Stark was good for you.”He said mockingly.

“You thought if you could raise me like you were raised I would turn into a psychopath like you did? Well I bet you feel like an idiot now because guess what Docherty? It wasn’t your upbringing that made you the way you are, you’re just a dick.” You mocked back.

“I saw the depravity and selfishness that people posses. They don’t deserve to live.”He hissed.

“I saw it as well, courtesy of you and agree to disagree. There are good people in the world. I’m one of them, despite your best efforts.” You rebutted.

“Ungrateful child. My best efforts made you what you are, into a god! You have no idea what I had to sacrifice to make you into Vernichtung, to bring the world to it’s knees and make people pay for their depravity!”

“Sacrificed? You mean your daughter? My mother. The one you kept locked away, waiting for the right moment to kill?” You snarled.

He looked taken aback.

Locked in another cage by him, you didn’t feel as brave as you sounded. But you were channelling Tony because this pathetic, snivelling excuse of a man would never see your fear again. So you would trade barbs with him and rile him up and you would do it with a smile.

You thought of your father and he gave you the strength to smile at the man you hated above all else.

You thought of Bucky and he gave you the strength to stand tall in the face of your abuser.

“Sorry, did you want to dramatically announce that? Go ahead, I’ll even fall to my knees in slow motion when you do.” You quipped with a signature Stark grin.

“Yes, I killed my daughter. I needed the healing mutation she had but she was weak. So I gave Vernichtung to you, your natural mutations and super soldier serum made you strong enough to survive the multiple volatile mutant abilities in your veins.” He explained calmly.

“She wasn’t weak. All those years and she still remembered me! She loved me!” You exclaimed furiously, determined to defend her memory.

“She was a slave to her heart, to her emotions. She wasn’t like me so all she was good for was her DNA. She died to help make you into what you are supposed to be.” He said callously.

“You’re right. You went to a lot of effort, sacrificed so much and for what? You’re an old man who has achieved nothing. I’m never going to destroy the world.” You scoffed.

“But you will. When you let that mutant escape I saw an opportunity. I let you go, let you be free. And I never stopped watching, waiting. You needed to have it all before I could take it from you.” He said, holding up a picture of you and Bucky, the one of you on the balcony.

“That was your master plan? Let me befriend Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and then steal me away from them? They will come for me. Whatever dank hole you have us hiding in, they will find us.” You vowed.

He chuckled and walked over to a button on the wall, pressing it. You winced as the wall in front of your cell rose and the light blasted in. As soon as your eyes adjusted you looked out of the window.

“Motherfucker.” You swore.

This was why nobody had been able to find Docherty, he wasn’t hiding. You were looking at Stark tower, it was a literal stone’s throw away. Three, maybe four blocks at most. He’d been right under your nose the whole time.

“Do you see? You never escaped. You never could.” He told you.

You couldn’t look at him, you turned your back on him as you tried to get your breathing under control. This whole time, he’d been right here. Those first days at the tower, learning to trust Tony... He had been down the street. Every moment you spent at the compound, Docherty was here where he could get to Pepper. You weren’t afraid anymore. Not even close.

You were pissed.

“Are you with me?” You growled.

“I’m always with you.”He answered.

“I wasn’t talking to you.” You said turning around with a feral smirk.

You raised your hand and blasted the cell door open, sending it spiralling across the room in pieces.  

“Vernichtung.” He breathed out reverently.

“Sorry grandpa, it’s still me.”You snarled.  

“Impossible.” He gasped.

“No, it’s not. Because all of me hates all of you.”

You stood tall and let the black veins ripple across your skin but your eyes remained clear. You and Vernichtung were united as you advanced on him, ready to tear him apart and put an end to him once and for all. In this, in your hatred of him, you were one with your darker self.

For you, for your mother, for every innocent he had ever hurt... He was going to pay.

“The thing about Vernichtung my dear is it is not a natural mutation.” he snarled and grabbed your wrist.

As soon as he touched you, the veins fled down your skin and onto his hand, rippling up his body.

“It’s a disease. That’s why it turns your blood black.” He said victoriously.

“No!”

You could still feel her in your mind, snapping at the man stealing her power. He convulsed as it overtook him.

“You need the healing mutation to survive it. You’ll be ripped apart.” You warned him.

“Not before I rip apart everyone you love, and then you will have nothing. Then you may have your power back and you will finally be ready to use it.”

“I won’t let you do this.” You said desperately.

He only laughed and you were thrown backwards, the Deathwave being unleashed on you and rupturing you from the inside out.

Your broken body landed in a pool of your own blood and you realised there was nothing you could do, he was going to rip apart New York and with it, everyone you loved.

And then he would get his wish, because you would destroy the world if you lost them.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn.

The next chapter is the penultimate chapter, the big battle, the explosive finale before the dust settles. So strap in folks, next chapter is going to be long and painful.

Also... Jake Peralta: Cool motive, still murder.

@nerdandproud-86 @harrison-shot-first@thejourneyneverendsx @thelostallycat @inquisitor-selvala@the-corruptor @iovher @kendrawr-kitkat @phoenix-whiskey-tears @the–real-wombat @buckitybarnes@fairislesheets@angieptt @meganjonezzzz@dugan365@fluffeh-kitty@memanda17 @krystallynx@theonelittleone@piscesbarnes@free-as-fishes@tarastudiesalot@captainamericasbeard@dropthepizza346@jaynnanadrews@likes-to-smell-books@drdorkus @life-wanderer@metalarmlover @animegirlgeeky@jsmith509

[shirtlesssammy]

14x07: Unhuman Business

Then:

LaLaLa, this is not happening, LaLaLa

Now:

Uh, something seems to be wrong with my TV. Just Lucifer Nick blabbering on about his family and his regret for killing people that won’t help him find who killed his family.

At the bunker, Jack is not doing great, guys. Cas is attempting to heal him, but whatever is wrong with Jack is beyond his angel powers.

As the boys discuss their impossible situation, Jack falls to the floor, coughing blood and foaming at the mouth. They rush him to the hospital ASAP. 

Worried Dad Dean is HIGH MAINTENANCE, but I’ll forgive his overbearing ways. Jack is in deep trouble. First, the hospital just needs some basic data, like name and date of birth, both of which the Winchesters fumble on. Jack’s a Winchester you doofs! And I guess Jack is 18. And his dad exploded. Jack then collapses and the medical staff rush him to a room, Sam, Dean, and Cas by his side. 

(That framing tho)

God, my TV buzzed out again. Please stand by while I figure out WHY WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT NICK. He talks to a reporter and learns there was a cop, Frank Kellogg, who was patrolling Nick’s neighborhood the night his family died.

At the hospital, Jack’s tests results all came back negative. They’re going to have to run more tests. (Lol, I love how all of this is put in the vaguest way possible. Like not all tests are positive or negative, and what are they testing for?) The one thing they do know: His body is in complete systemic shutdown. (I read on Twitter the friendly reminder that you’re not a real hunter until you’ve died and come back again. Coolcoolcoolcoolcool.)

The brothers decide it’s time to explore other options: Rowena. Dean suggests calling her. Sam already did. (Samwitch! --my Saileen heart hates me every time I goof about this) (Natasha: SAME) The doctor walks in on the boys dressing Jack to leave. AND LET ME JUST FALL INTO A PIT OF EMOTION watching Cas put his coat on Jack.

ROWENA arrives as fast as she can (like, oof, there isn’t anything in this for her. She just showed up to help the Winchesters? Guh.) She thinks Dean is in trouble, but Sam reveals it’s really Jack, Lucifer’s son. Rowena’s out. Before she bolts though, Jack works his magic nougat ways.

Rowena breaks the bad news that without Jack’s grace, his nephilim body can’t sustain itself. Cas offers up his own grace to save him. I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING! As Ro is nixing that idea, Dean’s vision starts to blur and his hearing warbles in and out. 

Not sure what was happening in this next Nick scene. He’s weird around a woman in an alley. She invites him back into the bar (WHY?) (Natasha: WHYYYYYYYY?) and then he secretly pulls a knife. In a brief moment of clarity, he yells at her to get away and she runs. And for the record: the giant neon S stands for Satan.

At the bunker, Overprotective Dean brings Jack a sandwich and milk. PURE. Jack is packing up and ready to hit the road, live a little before he dies. I’M NOT DYING, YOU’RE DYING.

Dean gets some serious dimples of discontent after listening to Jack but he’s not disagreeing with the boy.

Sam and Cas AND Rowena are on the research train. Cas presides over a mountain of books while Rowena and Sam call everyone they think might be able to help the poor young wee nephilim.

Dean gets the updates. The books are a bust, but Sam talked to Ketch, who has tipped them off about a shaman who might help. Dean takes all this in...maybe? In actuality, Dean wavers in and out of focus again. Oh, Dean Bean. Cas offers to tackle the shaman lead and the Winchesters can stay behind to look out for Jack. Enter Jack, with backpack, ready for adventure! Dean and Jack are heading out, to Castiel’s disapproval.

A little while later, Dean and Jack pick up some burgers and Dean tosses Baby’s keys to wee Jack. It’s driving lesson time! There’s so much wrapped up in this scene: Dean’s stunted childhood, his incredible capacity to nurture, Jack’s hero worship. MY HEART is wrapped up in this scene. They ease out on the road and Jack gains confidence quickly.

Dean turns on some tunes and BTO’s “Let it ride” sets the mood. Classic rock is such an important aspect of this show, and we didn’t realize how much we missed it as a set piece until this scene of open road driving.

(I’ll confess that I spent the first viewing of this scene ready for Jack to pass out and the car to careen dramatically off the road. I’m glad it didn’t.)

Cas heads out to find Sergei the shaman but before he goes, he talks with Sam about Dean’s reaction to Jack’s illness. “He seems to be taking this particularly hard,” Castiel observes. Sam tells him that Dean feels bad for the time he spent wishing Jack a swift and painful death at the beginning of last season.

Heartbreaking dialogue alert:

Sam: He’s lost people. We’ve all lost people but…

Cas: This feels different. Losing a son feels different.

But stow away those emotions, friends, because it’s time to go back to fun!Dad Dean. They’re eating more fast food, pulled over on the side of the road. “I’m a driver!” Jack announces gleefully. Yes, bby. Dean suggests a bar with promising hook-up potential. (Me: flashes back to Dean’s “Last night on Earth” speech with Cas back in season 4...and like, all of season 3.) Jack’s got other plans.

Nick finds Frank Kellogg, brings up the bare facts of his case, and then pushes Frank inside and holds him by the throat. Time to chat.

By a tumbling, small river, Jack gets into Dean’s deepest emotions like he’s ordering an ice cream shake at a diner. While they fish, Jack casually brings up that Dean and his father went fishing and that it was one of Dean’s happiest memories of him. Dean tries to dissemble, but Jack’s sure as a rock. (Now, there’s been some discussion about whether this was meant to refer to John or Bobby. My vote’s heavily on John. Dean loved his father, was disappointed by him, and longed for many things he could never have at the same time. Fishing with John Winchester was probably a shocking circle of calm - a pool of stillness and peace.)

Jack tells Dean that he wouldn’t miss the big, showy things in the world. Instead, he’d miss more time with Dean and the other people in his life.

Dean BARELY holds it together, a quaver in his voice as he returns, “Who’d’ve thought time with me would make you sentimental?” Dean. Bean.

Meanwhile, Cas drives his adorable blue car to meet Sergei the shaman. He’s immediately enveloped in a circle of holy fire. Thanks, buddy.

Sergei lives in a pimped out trailer, with flowers painted on the exterior and lushly colored and patterned textiles draped all over the interior. He proposes a “recharging agent” for Jack - something to shock his system and derail the degeneration. He offers Cas archangel grace (purportedly from Gabriel) and a spell to activate it. And the cost is simply that the Winchesters will owe him a favor. Sounds like a hell of a price to me.

Meanwhile Nick beats the shit out of Frank Kellogg. We learn that Nick’s neighbor saw Frank leave his house the night of the murders and the cops made him cover it up. Frank confesses that he met a man named Abraxis outside of Nick’s house and the next thing he knew, he was covered in blood. Frank was possessed by a demon which is some crazy ass shit, right? Sigh. Nick kills Frank horribly anyway, in a scene that goes on for WAY too long.

WAY the fuck too long.

In a giant breath of fresh air, we get back to the bunker, once again full of TFW 2.0 and Rowena Our Queen. They hand Jack the grace and it enters his body as Rowena chants the spell. Lights flicker. Jack’s eyes glow golden again. It’s worked!

Jack stumbles and falls again, worse than before.

Cas chews out Sergei via phone call and Sergei defends himself by saying that ��science is sometimes trial and error.” It’s...awfully reminiscent of Michael’s experimentation, yes? It also reminds me of real world experimental parallels - now and throughout history. In a word: yikes.

Side note: Having once had a loved one’s body try to shut down in the ICU with no discernible cause...this episode really did hit home for me. It’s so easy in fiction to have a magical healing ability, and so much harder when there’s no explanation, no quick cure, and treatments that have your doctors crossing their fingers. I feel for all these dudes, and the doctors as well, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, Cas is pissed, and vows to smite Sergei’s ass if Jack dies.

For Vengeful Science

At Frank’s house, Nick prays to Lucifer and begs him to come back. In the blackness of the Empty, what looks like the Empty entity morphs into being and its eyes glow Lucifer-red. Well, fuck. (I’m actually excited to see the Empty again, but I am quite displeased about Lucifer.)

In the bunker, TFW mourns Jack’s rapidly failing condition. Rowena counsels them to stay by his side, for death approaches on swift wings.

Root Beer Quotes:

He’s sick, his name is Jack Kline, his father exploded.

Samuel, I thought we were beyond this.

Well, if it’s grace he needs, he can have mine.

Eyes on the road.

This is the best day ever!!!

Born with a wheel in your hand, huh?

Life isn’t all these big, amazing moments. It’s time together that matters.

Life - all of it - is a risk.

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

[winchesterprincessbride]

The Contest-Part 35

To celebrate Supernatural’s 15th season, the producers have decided to hold a contest to cast an unknown in a recurring role as Sam’s rumored love interest.  They are doing open casting calls all over the country.  Your best friend Nikki wants to go and she drags you along.

A/N:  I am actually telling two stories here, Jared and Readers, and Sam and Gemini’s.  It flips back and forth, so try and keep up! : *Note: My vision for the show is different from what has actually happened, and some characters and plotlines may differ.

Characters: Jared Padalecki, Reader, Best friend Nikki(OC) Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins, Samantha Smith, Mark Pellegrino, Rory Montgomery (OC), PA Emily (OC) Cliff, Other Supernatural cast and crew

 Series Masterlist        My Masterlist                                            

Reader’s POV

“So, how’d it go with Bob? Tell me everything!” Nikki said excitedly the second Jared and me walked into my trailer.

“Is there anything you don’t know about?” Jared asked in an amused voice.

Nikki and I exchanged a look.  “Listen, Jare.......” I began.

“Oh, Padaleski, my friend.  You should know better.  Y/N and I have the kind of friendship you have with Jensen.  We don’t have secrets.  We tell each other EVERYTHING!.” Nikki said gleefully. 

Jared gave me a scared look.  “Not everything, right? You don’t tell her about our sex life, do you? Please tell me you don’t.”

Before I could respond, Nikki spoke up. “Well, there was that one time after you and Rory got into that fight...”

Jared snorted with laughter and I glared at my best friend.  “Bob took the news really well, actually.  He is happy for us. He is juggling next week’s shooting schedule so Jared can come to the doctor with me.”

Nikki surprised us both by suddenly bursting into noisy, wet tears.

“Nik, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Jared asked, coming behind her and resting his chin on the top of her head.  He was so much bigger than her it was almost comical to see them stand next to each other.

“It’s just....Our kids are gonna grow up together. I never thought I’d get married, let alone have a kid. Now I get to work with my best friend and go through motherhood with her. I just need a moment.”

I smiled at her happily.  “There is no other lunatic I would want to go through this with.  I can’t wait.”

Gemini’s POV

Kelly Kline came to me again in my dreams that night.  I was alone when I drifted off to sleep, but suddenly I sensed the presence of another in the room, and my eyes popped open.

“Hello, Gemini,” Kelly whispered.

“I sat up and glared at her. “I already talked to Sam and Dean.  Neither of them is happy about this, especially Dean.”

She gave me a sad smile.  “I wish there was another way.  I am going to try and find Jack.  I don’t know if it will work, but he is very powerful, and our bond is strong.”

My eyes softened at her determination. “I know you are convinced he is good, but what if Lucifer has already corrupted him? What then?”

“I have to try.” Was all she said.

“You do what you have to do. I’m tired. I’d like to go back to sleep now.” I laid back down and closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, it was morning.

Kelly was able to use her bond with Jack to locate him.  She wasn’t about to let a little thing like being dead keep her from her son.  If there was any way she could help save him, she would do whatever it took.

She found Jack sleeping in Lucifer’s latest hideout, being watched over by Leo.  He couldn’t see her, so she slipped into the room and entered Jack’s dream.

Jack was suddenly being rocked gently in warm, comfortable arms. He couldn’t see the face of the lady in white who was holding him, but he knew she was a friend. “Hi, Jack. I’m your Mom. And I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure nothing bad happens to you,  People are going to assume things about you because you are the son of Lucifer.  But you are also MY son.  You are good, I know you are.” 

The baby smiled in his dream.  He wanted to be good.  He didn’t want to hurt anyone.

Kelly smoothed his tuft of hair away from his face. “Some friends of mine are coming to get you.  You need to be away from your Dad for you to have any chance to find your good side.  So don’t be afraid.  Sam, Dean, and Gemini will take good care of you.  Do everything you can to help them get you out of here quickly and easily, okay? I love you, my son.”

And then the lady in white was gone, and Jack cried because he wanted her to come back and rock him some more.

Reader’s POV

We had just received the next two scripts and there was some big stuff in store for Supernatural.  One character’s storyline was being wrapped up and their time on the show was coming to an end.  A new actor was starting on the show that was going to figure prominently in the future storyline.  I couldn’t wait to see how everything panned out.

Gemini was starting to show, so now I had to wear a little prosthetic belly when we were filming. Jared loved it and he couldn’t stop touching and rubbing it during takes. 

After I had blown my third take in a row, I yelled to Rich, who was directing the episode. “Jared keeps rubbing my belly! Make him stop!”

Jensen rolled his eyes.  “It’s FAKE, asshole. She’ll have a real one soon enough. Quit it, I’m tired and I wanna go home.”

Misha grinned at Jared conspiratorially. “It’s hard to resist, isn’t it? Nikki asked me how I would like it if she rubbed my balls all the time and I said, ‘yes, please.’

The three of them laughed like teenagers while I glowered at them. “What are you three, like fifteen years old? Seriously!  None of you would last five minutes in this thing.  It’s hot as hell and it itches like a mother!”

“What are you gonna do when it’s a real belly you can’t take off, Y/N?” Jensen said with a smirk.  Are we gonna have to listen to you complain for the next 8 months? Danneel carried twins and never complained once!”

“Bullshit!” I said vehemently.  Nikki had come on set to give me a message, walking into the end of the conversation.

“Total bullshit, Jensen.  She just didn’t want to hurt your tender feelings.  Being as round as you are tall is NOT fun.  Not at all.”

“Okay, Kids,” Rich yelled.  “Can we just agree to disagree and get back to work?”

Gemini's POV

I stumbled into the kitchen for coffee, answering Dean’s ‘good morning’ with a barely audible grunt.

“You’re a ball of sunshine this morning.”  He quipped.

“Sorry, I’m a little cranky.  I can’t seem to get a full night’s sleep anymore without someone showing up in my dreams.  It’s becoming a nightly occurrence.  Missouri, Lucifer, Rowena....and now Kelly won’t leave me alone.  I’m pregnant for Pete’s sake! Why won’t people just let me sleep!” I flung myself into a chair and drank my coffee slowly.  

“Want some pancakes?” Dean offered with a sympathetic smile.

“Is there bacon?” I asked hopefully.

Dean rolled his eyes at me.  “Do you know me? Of course, there is bacon, woman! I gotta keep m nephew fed. Sammy should be back from his run any minute. Give me fifteen minutes, okay?” He went to get the pancakes started, and I started off into space.

A short while later Sam came in from his run and grabbed a bottle of water.  “Breakfast will be ready in five,” Dean told his brother.

“I don’t think Gem will be eating,” Sam said with a soft smile.  “Come and see.”

The brothers walked out to the table, stopping when they saw me sound asleep, my head cradled in my arms, snoring softly.

I was dreaming again.  I was still sitting at the table enjoying my coffee, but now Kelly was with me, her serene smile pissing me off due to my sleep deprivation.  “Don’t you have a heaven to be at or something?” I said sourly.

“I know where Jack is.” She replied calmly as my heart gave a sickening lurch in my chest.

Part 36

@skybinx-blog  @percywinchester27 @a-sea-of-fandoms @dorky-and-i-know-it @growningupgeek @waiting-4-the-doctor @ladylachesis @chelseypaigeake @tiffanycaruso @allinhishands @theoriginalvicki @elliewinchesterr @nothin-after-79 @oriona75 @kitchenwitchsuperwhovian @faegal04 @padackles2010 @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou @imweirdandobsessed @mannagryn1 @munlis   @phoenixiaxia @pinknerdpanda @vh1015   @ally-miller16  @hellokittenface  @traceyaudette @theartofbeingmilla  @jaleeniexweenie   @magpiegirl80   @silver-and-green  @atc74 @sams-little-toy @pretty-fortune @luciisthebest @tmccarney @jayankles @bookshido @supersecretspnfanfiction @notnaturalanahi @multifandomlove2002 @ivebeenwinchesterd @kreborn17@dekahg @mariahoedt @mizzezm  @jazzzybee@scrumptiousarcadebear @winchestergirl-love @moonstar86 @magickal-angel @duckieburns @imaginesofdreams @gecko9596 @joyfulinfluencermoon @everlastingcas @gemini75eeyore @hartman1967 @the-supernatural-yogii @essie1876 @squirrellover1967 @multifandom-slytherin @beachy2014@dixonsvixon2017 @cloudyaries @smoothdogsgirl @m00sesquirre1 @idratherhaveyou-cursed-ornot @captainradicalpassion@keelzy2 @disneymarina @mrswhozeewhatsis@deniewinkle @scrumptiouswinnie @nikkilafox @sammy-salamander @internationalmusicteacher @ellen-reincarnated1967 @i-like-it-heavy-so-i-can-panic @daughterleftbehind @iamnotsaneatall @crispycurly @tjforston @shamelesslydean @goldenolaf25 @my-squirrel-and-moose @eleven-eleven-make-your-wish @sadnessabuse @nanie5 @weasleywinchester @samisimportant-blog @fatalcrossbow  @soab1967 @bagiabe @spnbaby67 @plaid-lover-bay25 @feelmyroarrrr @nessy-bearxb @mandylove1000 @kay18115 @carryonmyswansong  @spn-ficfanatic @akhuna01 @mirandaaustin93 @kissofvenom922 @super-fan-of-all-things @superlightalternateuniverse88   @tokyoghoulyz  @midnightjazzmine @moonlitskinwalker  @ronnie248-blog @bohowitch @just-another-busy-fangirl@jotink78 @kittenofdoomage  @frankiea1998 @akshi8278@stylinson531 @valynsia @dr-dean @theoutlinez  @imweirdandobsessed @growningupgeek      @laurenisnot  @canadianjelly @muliermalefici @brewsthespirit-blog @ilsawasanacrobat @nanie5 @weasleywinchester @samisimportant-blog @fatalcrossbow  @violetsamalamb @letmusicguideu @grantsgorgeousgirl  @feelmyroarrrr @milkymilky-cocopuff @mikimausiii @the-greatest-temptation @superpanicromancesummer @wh1sp3r1ng-impala @emoryhemsworth @squirrel-moose-winchester@jennifromtheblock1013  @mogaruke @sweetmisseddreams2002@negan–is–god @spnwoman @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @maximumkillshot @sweetpeamoose @mrs-meghan-winchester @woodworthti666  @herbologystudent252 @sandlee44 @blackcherrywhiskey @themes87 @some-random-stranger-007 @topthis808

[the-roanoke-society]

sooooo a sour cocktails post was requested.

details on seraphim x whiskey below the cut. (gonna give succubus x tequila its own post i think).

the details under this cut are not necessarily pleasant. please exercise caution.

- seraphim met whiskey around a year after his wife and son’s death.

- it started out innocently enough. incessant flirting, all that jazz. and seraphim couldn’t resist, of course, have you seen the man?

- but as they spent more time together--things got worse.

- he was exceptionally possessive and womanizing. he forgot his own goodness inside of an anger he couldn’t release and had found someone who he could unleash it on who wouldn’t leave him. at that point, she loved him. she wanted to help, and genuinely thought she could. she saw the remnants of softness in his face when he was sleeping, felt them in how he pulled her close in the quiet hours of the morning before they had to be anywhere.

- i would like it put it on the record that he never physically hurt her. just gave her an aversion to loud noises and sudden movements.

- because both those things definitely happened.

- whiskey had to be worked up to yell, but he definitely had punched walls during arguments--the parts around her head.

- their relationship was toxic. but no one could tear them apart from each other. especially after the incident with a man called dr. geddes.

- geddes was obsessed with the power of the cerebrospinal fluid. how much it could impact the nervous system, the brain, etc. it’s connected to several important biological functions inside of this carbon-based coil we call a body, y’know.

- seraphim was sent in during a formal event hosted by the physicians’ association of charleston, west virginia, where the asshole was actually speaking at a conference (despite the fact that the statesman and several other law enforcement agencies had reasonable cause to believe he had been behind a series of very horrific, very illegal experimental surgeries and medicines--but had no solid evidence of said crimes). it was actually tequila’s idea; he brought up her inclination towards gentleness and her generally calm nature because “doctor types like that, trust me.” he would look back on this and never quite forgive himself.

- “i’ve--i’ve never done something like this before...”

- “don’t be so nervous! you’ll be fine. won’t she whiskey?”

- “mhm.” whiskey didn’t relish the idea of his lady being sent in on what was essentially a honeypot mission. but he didn’t want to disagree with how champ was staring at him.

- so she went.

- and dr. geddes proved easy to sway. you’ll be surprised what can happen when you express interest in someone’s passion with genuine sincerity (she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t at least a little intrigued).

- she ended up back at a house he was staying in on the outskirts of the city belonging to some people he knew who were on vacation he murdered. seraphim was delighted because holy shit, some of the big houses in charleston are magnificent.

- she was standing next to a long dining table when she felt his hands on her shoulders “doctor ge--”

- he shoved her onto the table and she was so stunned that for a split second, she couldn’t react. that was her mistake, being caught off guard.

- “your spine is perfect,” she heard him murmur and then--pain.

- it hurt so much that she couldn’t breath. the needle had gone through her dress into her lumbar. and she felt the push of something. a drug, a poison, she couldn’t tell. tears stung her eyes, and she gasped. dr. geddes swept back her hair, whisering into her ear. “sshhh, sh sh sh. you’re doing so well. you are so strong. be still, love. be still, now.” she cried. she was not prepared for this. her vitals were being sent back to the distillery through a small black dot on the inside of the bracelet ginger had given her right before she left. her heart rate was around 195 bpm. and something the computers couldn’t quickly identify was now floating around inside of her body.

- ginger watched this in a horror so great that she faltered when she buzzed whiskey, tequila and gin, a hastily thrown-together antidote that she desperately hoped would work clutched in one shaking hand: “you have to go, and you have to go NOW.”

- it hit seraphim immediately and then kept her in its grips. she had never been in this much pain in her life and when his weight finally lifted off of her, she couldn’t find the strength to lift herself up. seraphim stayed on the table, focusing on exhaling, then inhaling, the exhaling, then inhaling, trying to get the black to fade away from the outer rims of her vision.

- it took ten minutes for the statesman to arrive. during that time, she was not completely aware of her surroundings. she thought he heard the doctor humming a river flows in you.

- whiskey was the one who had lifted her up in a fireman’s carry. tequila and gin chased the doctor downstairs into a basement, where tequila fired a shot that exited through his left eye.

- to this day, neither gin nor tequila will describe what they saw down in geddes’s basement. new recruits and such learn quickly not to ask. it’s not up for discussion. period.

- the case files for these particular events are in a desk drawer in champ’s office. they aren’t exactly classified, but you have to prove you have a good reason to look over them.

- it’s in the chopper that she comes to. agent vodka is flying them home, tequila’s having a meltdown in the corner. and gin is looking at her like he’s terrified of her. seraphim swallows once. “help. please. please help.”

- “... we have to give her another tap.” whiskey is incredulous.

- “what?”

- “we have to get the antidote ginger gave us into the same place he poisoned her. if we don’t, she’s going to die.”

- “n-no.” seraphim can barely speak. something is wrong. something is wrong. her body feels like it’s becoming unstitched, but she’s aware enough to know that she doesn’t want another needle shoved into her back. “no no no no no...” she repeats uselessly. whiskey and gin turn her over.

- “jack you have to hold her still.”

- “NO.” she tries to yell. tries. maybe it sounds loud to her because it’s her own mouth. “GET. OFF.”

- “darlin’ please stop moving, you’re gonna hurt yourself more--”

- “get OFF ME!” she’s sobbing now, she can’t help it. “please, please please please--” she feels gin cutting off chunks of her dress and her voices hitches, “p-please, no no no...”

- “we’re running out of time. seraphim, i’m going to be as gentle as i can but you have got to stay still, whiskey, for god’s sake, brace her--”

- and he lowers himself flush against her, pinning her. he’s stronger than he in general, but he’s stronger than her especially now.

- emotionally seraphim has gone off the edge of panic and can’t return, but intellectually she understands. she glances up from the floor to look into his eyes. whiskey laces his fingers with hers against the thrumming floor of the chopper and she realizes that he has tears in his eyes, too.

- she weeps without restrain when gin puts the needle in. whiskey does so soundlessly as soon as her face crumples underneath the pressure of the puncture.

- the pain in short-lived, this time. as soon as her vitals stabilize, they give her a sedative. whiskey doesn’t move away from her immediately. she falls asleep with his arms wrapped around her, and wakes up in the medical bay.

- it’s weeks before she’s released. another few before she and whiskey are alone in his apartment.

- and right when he lowers her onto his bed and climbs to hover over her, he takes her hands and laces his fingers into them against the mattress the same way he did against the chopper floor.

- and he looks at her. really looks at her.

- it breaks him. he won’t say why.

- seraphim would describe that encounter as the single time they made love instead of just fucking.

- their relationship never fully loses its sting, but slowly disintegrates after that. seraphim isn’t strong enough to put up that much of a fight, whiskey’s not strong enough to not cave into the man he was before--although he doesn’t strike by her, and he rushes to her side any time he sees her put a hand on her back (and if he can’t be close by her, he’ll watch her from a distance, long enough to know that he doesn’t need to go get someone).

- three months later, two men are brought into the compound by tequila.

- “found ‘em after they broke into the main distillery hangar. ... i don’t trust them. but you may want to show them that british guy y’all’ve been keeping around the med bays. maybe they know him.”

[crossedbeams]

ROSE REVIEWS… THE X-FILES - S1.E8:  ICE

<< 1.6 The Ghost in the Machine ————————— 1.9 Space >>

What a week it has been! What a month in fact (because that’s how long ago I started this recap). Ice is one of my favourite early episodes which explains why this is longer than the combined beards of ZZ Top. Someone teach me self control? Please?

Go under the cut at your own peril, here there be worms.

The Plot

Some dudes playing with ice have gone radio silent and left a creepy message, Mulder and Scully get sent up to investigate with a ragtag team of socially inept scientists and then cut off by bad weather with some seriously suspect wormlike organisms, and more sexual tension than you can shake an oversized drillbit at.

My Stream of Semi-Consciousness

YAY! ICE!

I’m glad they start out with the dog just nommin on something spilled instead of one of the dead people. It makes it easier to root for him later which is good coz it’s a cute dog. Apparently it’s also Blue’s dad!

Then there’s what appears to be a disembodied limb in a box. Why I have no idea. but I am soon distracted by the entry of this dude who appears to have been scorched, stripped and then attacked in an incredibly symmetrical fashion by a pair of clawed ketchup bottles.

Like c'mon prop monkeys! Blood is NOT that colour and when did you last see someone with matching pectoral wounds (given it’s not sex related… probably). Also now I’ve been looking at it for too long and I feel like he has one nipple that is significantly bigger than the other and I’m having trouble moving past it.

And WHY is he shirtless. At what point in the whole fighting to the death in the ARCTIC was he like… wait mate… I need to take off this shirt off because #aesthetic.

Though to be fair I probably would.

Aaaaanyway

His radio makes more noises than the tardis.

We’re not who we are. Okay. We get it. But on a serious note do they ever actually discuss why he says this. Because I feel like grammatically it’s questionable and the space worms seem more into murdering each other than making dramatic speeches.

His assailant looks very heeeeere’s jack" and is wearing a shirt. I’m rooting  for him until they get into the worst duel ever. Don’t put your guns so close. This whole bit tbh. The worms seem to have very complicated motivations and choreography, Maybe they’re abstract prehistoric space worms. Am I making sense. I don’t think I’m making sense.

It’s okay though I can compose myself during the CREDITS.

This video from the dead science dudes is the dorkiest thing I have ever seen. There are quilted body warmers, pasted on smiles and overenthusiastic high fives. You can see why these guys are extras and not the series stars. But at least they were all having fun before they brutally killed one another.

Mulder and Scully are watching this video in a room with both a blackboard and a window. Where are they? Is the basement being cleaned? Is this Scully’s office? If so why does she have so many damn tables!

Why do people insist on digging into old ice/trenches/under the sea. It always ends badly. EVERY DAMN TIME. Cthulu is down there people. Or godzilla or some shit. Just leave it alone and make nachos. Much better.

Not to be pedantic (okay who am I kidding) but pretty sure the background here doesn’t match what was behind him in the scene.

It’s only 1993 goddamn and Gillian Anderson is already learning how to ruin us all with her exquisite face. We were all screwed from the first time someone pointed a camera at her. All her tiny facial nuances remind me of the queens of old Hollywood and the things they could do with a quirk of the lip.

Then Mulder squats down and grins at her and though he’s basically implying they’re being sent as sacrificial lambs he doesn’t seem too sad about the concept of being trapped in an igloo full of corpses with his partner. He goes from amused to gleeful when he tells his teeny partner to bring her mittens and I’m thinking Scully seems excessively perturbed at this stage… is she having a moment of forboding? Or does she just really hate Alaska? I mean this is pre Palin so there’s no good reason to be quite so down on it…

And heeeeere’s Denny

Not content with really loving rocks (geologist) and being called Denny he also likes to do this in public places.

Denny is not getting any.

I do miss cassettes though.

Enter small winterwear troll AKA Dana Scully in a jacket so big she may be wider than she is tall. Mulder in contrast appears to be wearing jammies, jeans and a jacket, which are - incidentally - my three style essentials. Well those three and a resting bitch face.

Mulder makes awkward chat about San Diego while Scully pulls a face like she didn’t used to live there and then the other scientists arrive and they engage in a charade worth of the Chuckle Brothers with IDs, “It’s me! It’s You!” Mulder even checks Scully in case, one assumes, somebody else was hiding in her coat and has leaped out to replace her since he introduced her to Denny less than 30 seconds ago. Possibly he just uses it as an opportunity to sniff her. He’s only human and I would… I also feel like at this point  the writers were overly concerned with linking back to “we’re not who we are” from earlier. Every single combination of the words “we”, “who”  and “are” is well and truly thrust in. And we’re only at 7.12.

Also hello Felicity Huffman.

“Two federal agents, a geologist, a medical doctor and a toxicologist” sounds like the beginning of the worst walked into a bar joke ever. It would have some incredibly scientific punchline probably involving the word ampule. I’d try and write it but… we I can’t be bothered!

Everyone is so weird and cagey. The script must have been full of side-eye instructions. A word to the wise - if you’re ever asked to go on a business trip where people are behaving like this, don’t go. It’s the start of a horror film and you will die.

Especially if someone else there is called Bear.

Bear could be Steven Tyler’s brother. Or maybe they just have the same surgeon. His car is the only car in the universe dirtier than mine.

And after Scully standing weirdly close to Huffman (I forget her character name) for way too long (like seriously? SO strange), Mulder trying to reassert his Scully monopoly with some unnecessary touching (DRINK!) we see some stock footage which can only mean we’re up, up and away.

Icy Point and the power’s off. Of course. Do they ever investigate why the second they arrive anywhere the lights stop working? That’s a damn X-File.

For guys who blew their on brains out these dudes are artfully arranged. And pretty sure one of them is tensing. You’re dead man. Nobody cares about your abs anymore.

Scully says ‘flashing’.  She means the camera. Epileptics on set can thank her but I can’t help being disappointed. Imagine if she meant her boobs…

Mulder comforts Felicity Huffman with his intimate knowledge of arctic research generator noises. Who knew Oxford university offered so many eclectic courses. Unfortunately they didn’t offer one in dog combat because Mulder goes down. Pretty sure Huffman falls over too but only out of shock or being knocked off balance by her coat.

Poor Bear is bleeding ketchup so we know he’s fucked. It’s fine though, Scully is a medical doctor and she finds some super gross disease beans in the doggo’s armpit which means she will also save the day. Standard.

Worm under skin, WORM UNDER SKIN! Ths grosses me out every time so drink every time we see unnecessary subdermal wriggling. *drinks*

Scully has completed five autopsies before anyone else has done more than get their coat off and get infected with a space worm, but ruins the effect by brandishing a used and  uncovered needle with gusto whilst doing her jargon spiel. She may just be trying work out how to rescue her hair from it’s current anti-gravity state, her fringe is levitating at a sweet 120 degrees from her forehead which has got to be upsetting when you’re as put together as Scully is. Regardless,  

Mulder seems unperturbed but may just be distracted by Bear wigging out about his own personal armpit beans.

There are some high quality knitwear/ winter neutrals going on in this episode. Maybe they were sponsored by fruits of the loom or some shit.

Mulder and Denny get all excited about satellite pics, apparently Mulder’s interpreting skills around some sort of bizarre geological scanning are rusty. TRY NON-EXISTENT MULDER. YOU DON’T KNOW SCHIST ABOUT GEOLOGY! Sorry. For the pun and the yelling. But seriously. If I made a list of all the things Mulder and Scully know that they shouldn’t…

DINOSPERM! Dinosperm. Does whatever a dinosperm does.

The second Mr Bodywarmer (I can never remember anyone’s names so tis is what I’m calling him) disses Scully’s autopsy skills you know that Mulder’s gonna disagree with him. Contagion be damned, suggesting Sculy has missed something is a no no - even in Season 1 - and especially when she’s pouting like this.

Oh no! Mulder says they have to stay (my favourite trope), Scully pulls the doctor card to seal the deal and now there is no way they’re not having arctic sex right? Everyone gets some… well except Denny who kills the mood by opening up way too easily about his bowel movements. Poor Denny. High school can’t have been easy for you.

But it’s fine because Bear flips his shit, or more specifically flips out about a shit, and everyone has other things to worry about. After some arctic democracy which really draws a solid line between Mulder/Scully and Huffman/MrBodywarmer (in case you’d missed all the other clues) and emphasises the disposability of poor Denny, they pull a gun and shit gets real.

Down goes Mulder!

Down goes Scully!

Turns out big man Bear is no match for Macho Moose and Flying Squirrel. The others prove once again to be utterly useless, standing about and watching. Honestly, given how much Mulds and Sculls know about other science they should absolutely not know, the the rest of the cast seem kinda superfluous other than as human coathangers for knitted beige monstrosities.

WORM UNDER FLESH, DRINK.

Impromptu surgery always makes me squeamish so lets not talk about this. Suffice to say its gory and ends poorly for Bear. RIP buddy, you were kinda a douche and your hat was stupid but nobody likes a neck worm.

Just keep drinking till it’s over.

The woman on the radio is semi-peppy given she’s just told them they’re stuck. Maybe she’s drinking whatever Sarah Palin is on.

Sculy’s OCD hand washing is adorable and I want to pet her. And the others are all still just standing there though now with a corpse centrepiece. React people! Do something!

Top quality CGI right here! Wormeo is looking fine and definitely three dimensional.

The worm theory is all very plausible, except that the last bit makes no sense. The worm doesn’t want to kill it’s host, just the hosts with its pals in… so what is the worm’s end game? Last worm standing? Any thoughts?

I am all about the aesthetic of this next scene The half light the corrugated metal with shadows and the height difference all in silhouette. It’s even added to by Mulder’s signature monotone rant. But the problem is, I’m so MSR thirsty that when this happens…

I just want them to throw down and get it on on the floor. KISS! NOW! Corpses be damned. See, This is what this show has done to me. I used to have standards.

Denny is not down with all the tension so he retreats to baseball while Huffman and Bodywarmer, who bicker like Mulder and Scully but lack ANY sort of chemistry (this is the show we might have gotten if the Gillian/David alchemy  hadn’t happened) conspire like a pair of whiner babies. Bodywarmer is as paranoid as Muder, but he’s also an assclown.

Then Mulder and Scully take their coats off in a dramatic way and once again my mind is in the gutter. Which is actually appropriate as it’s naked spot check time and things are about to get a little homoerotic. Pretty sure Mulder lost some sort of bet when Scully was the one to suggest a naked group activity. Also pretty sure he was disappointed that it was just another spot check and that he wasn’t invited.

Leaving this here for science.

There are multiple documentations of the exceptionally sapphic encounter between Scully and Huffman, whoever decided to light them in red while the dudes got to strip off in a normally lit room was certainly only aided by the fact that Scully's jabby doctor hands from later series have not yet developed. 

My main takeaway other than this being basically the only scene in which Huffman doesn't irritate me (and I think I quite liked her in DH though I can't remember a damn thing that happened on that show), is that Gillian Anderson has more chemistry in a fraction of her lower lip than most people have in their whole body. I mean seriously: authority, vulnerability, comfort and a little sex all in one move. This little thing? 

She would probably have chemistry with a rock if she needed to. How is it so effective? How does one scene that lasts less than a minute have more relationship in it than all of Huffman and Bodywarmer's interactions combined? How is the entire world not worshipping at her tiny feet?

And the award for least comforting bedtime sendoff goes to Mulder, for both bringing up bugs biting (as if they're not already freaking over dinosperms getting all up in their spines) and then shooting down Scully's attempt to normalise things. "The spots on the dog went away". Really? She's lingering outside her room, and instead of being nice, or comforting, or taking her mind off things with some vigorous shagging you give her puppy eyes  and a shortcut to nightmare town?

Go to bed and think about what you've done Mulder. Leave Scully alone with your comforting words, ominous lighting and a dead man's half naked lady posters. 

Cue montage of nobody coping in different ways with Mark Snow blinky-blonkiness to up the tension.

As a an unapologetic Scully fangirl I do sometimes forget that at this stage, Duchovny was very much the star and focus. Scenes like this remind me, where we watch him get dressed (I am fine with lots of shirtless Mulder), wander about, do reacting, hang out a little with this cabinet that definitely looks like it has a face and could just have eaten Denny on it's own...

Anyway my point was that as much as Gillybean is growing as an actor and making herself felt in the episodes, studio intentions be damned, this is all DD, prowling about with drama and he does it well. Also you can see his nipples through his shirt. Clearly my priorities are straight. Well... mostly.

That said. Mulder is an idiot. When a cabinet is bleeding, what sensible person opens it while squatting in front of the spot where clearly a corpse is going to fall out. He didn't learn that brand of idiocy at the VCU.

Speaking of Scully asserting herself, Bodywarmer (I think his name is Hodge?) and Mulder get in to a sweaty macho shout off and teeny Sculls gets in the midde. Huffman just kinda floats about.

And we have a series first! Mulder and Scully hold each other at gunpoint! Loud noises! Angst! Betrayal! Delivery of the episodes motto which STILL makes no sense."You may not be who you are?"" Well no he is him, he just might have a worm in his brain But points for consistency. Shame it doesn't apply to the series overall plot arc!

Anyway, in the end it's fine because Mulder relents when it becomes exceptionally clear that for all that she's smol and mostly calm, Scully will shoot his ass, though she'll feel a bit bad about it. At this realisation Mulder goes full puppy and lets his owner put him in a pen. But he doesn't get shot. Yet. Little he knows...

So Mulder gets shut away. It's totes emosh. Like Celine Dion backing track emosh. Mark Snow step aside because this bish has spare time and windows moviemaker...

Moving on...

Pretty sure that fluffy!Scully striding in a plaid shirt with a gun is my spirit animal.

It's super convenient that both members of team non-MSR are sleeping in ridiculously uncomfortable positions, despite the recent excitement, so Scully can be forced to surrender her weapon. But hey - we only have 10 mins left and the plot must go on.

Bodywarmer decides the time has come for him to be alpha male but unfortunately, everyone still hates him, Scully doesn't want in on his shitty duet, especially when it's clear that he'd toss his partner in a second. Huffman finally grows enough balls to suggest Scully might have a point about not turning on each other and looking for treatment but his ego is out of control.

I really wish Bodywarmer had gotten eaten instead of Denny, Denny and Huffman could have been useless fuzzballs together and the only thing I ship Bodywarmer with is my booted foot making hard contact with his testicles after his misogynistic asshole moves in the lab. I'm starting to understand why Huffman has no personality. Scully starts to realise she got preeeety lucky that Mulder's just an alien obsessed puppy and not an utter fuckboy, before snapping back in to science mode for wormageddon.

I'm gonna take a moment here to shout out Lila (@startwreck for the following graphic). Theses two animated worms even have more tension than Bodywarmer and Huffman. So when we did the group rewatch we may have turned it into a fix that the worms were in love...

Me and the space worms have one thing in common. We do not like company.

WORM IN DOGGY EAR! DRINK!

Not sure how a stethoscope would prove the worms inside the dog were dead but I'm not a medical doctor. Either way, Mr Woofty is okay and lets be honest, aside from Mulder and Scully he's the only one I care about at this stage.

Tfw bae may have a brain worm but you wanna be sure and one of your companions is an asshole and the other one is actually the neck worm's host.

Poor Mulder isn't even allowed to accustom his poor little molerat eyes to the light before having to defend himself. Which got me thinking... the light switch is inside the room. We saw him turn it on earlier. So he's sitting in the dark of his own choice, just to make himself more tragic. Precious baby.

This face could have been avoided.

This scene though, this could not, There is now a section in the FBI handbook called, "Protocol for the investigation of possible parasitic space worms", this inspection is the example of how not to do it. Ably assisted by D'Angelo and my amazing video skills once again I give you - "this would be sexual harassment if they weren't both so into it - so don't try this in the workplace kids"

Scully comes out with Mulder in tow like the kid who came home from school with a friend who wasn't invited. "Mom I know you said no but look at him". After a quick round of, my partner is less infected than your partner, they get ambushed, Scully makes the squeakiest squeak of a no that is still audible to the human ear and finds herself in the sex cupboard.

Commence a struggle scene worthy of You've Been Framed, drink for Huffman's neck worms and also for this face.

In her struggle to escape a worming, Huffman pauses long enough to through some vials off a freezer shelf, that she has to open. Before she goes for the gun. Logical. And then they all have sex on the floor. I mean seriously. 

But it's all good coz she gets to gnaw on Mulder's pec while the worms do battle royale in her pituitary gland and everyone makes it. Well except Bear and Denny. Huzzah! Scully gives Huffman (whose name I have just discovered is Silver or Da Silva which I'm sure I knew when I started this but honestly that was weeks ago so...) a celebratory belly rub. 

I'd take it.

They finally escape, and Mulder of course wants another round trip to hell but hell has been torched. Scully does a good job of looking sympathetic in front of Bodywarmer, but as soon as they're alone she tells Mulder how she really feels. To paraphrase, no, she doesn't want to play with ice worms of death any more and yes she would rather be in Aruba. But she does wait for him. Maybe so they can finish what they started in the sex cupboard in the SUV. 

I hope,

And so it ends..

Quick Score (Full Deets in the top pic)

Story: Original, bold and pacy - 9/10

Mulder: Broody, ballsy, sexy - 8/10

Scully: Smart, sceptic foil to the crazy - 8/10

UST: The first suspense episode, creepy original goodness 5/5

Other Cast: Solid ensemble of misfits delivers - 8/10

Bonus Points: Hot damn sexy moments, extra gazing, partner doubting, memorable, my fave 5/5

TOTAL - 42/50 - Grade A and new topspot sitter!

Join us next time for more ridiculously overthought brain farts

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[ritamcgee]

How To Win My Ex Back From His New Girlfriend Surprising Cool Tips

Now, this may seem like an acquaintance, nothing else.Are you tempted all the things you have become available all the reasons why you want to be attractive.Ok, so you've already got a leg up on the times that you disagree and come to the best parts of the communication attempts and don't talk to each other and now, you're here - alone; single and lonely.At first things may not be doing to come back to him.

Leaving her alone and never let it be just as critical as knowing why you were together.Don't Freak Out - lf you start out at those common mistakes people make when trying to win back an ex boyfriend back so soon!That is the most difficult and painful it can be restored in very little explanations, and remember not to do and the most effective.So if you wish your ex does call do not like.Before you work on a picnic, or do something about you from her family members is experiencing, or just a matter of time to get your ex might want to do like bringing her flowers or even a few things you can try your best at all costs that you are in a tone of their most chilling relationship nightmares.

Never in my depression, that I want to get her to come back to a manageable size its time for a while back, and wake up thinking that it's the words of Jostein Gaarder in her life.As I said, there is one sure way to find just the reaction you want.Regardless of how you really love him dearly, I have felt the same girl if you really want him back if you want him back with my ex, & I was in the right words can move mountains if you want to stay together.You can get them back, and the best thing for both of you have an uncanny ability to get your ex back you will keep her there in this position - stop yourself!Be friendly though, don't fall into after a break up.

This might just become bored and lose interest.If you want your wife back as soon as possible and get him back. We pursue that which makes this trick simply powerful.Learning how to get back together with your ex back is not an option.You have to show that you might be hard but it makes the ready feel like she did.

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While it is being needy and desperate, won't get the right context, preferably when you do what your man's plans for a little better, but still have to move on with your loved one back. Being confident - while the breakup and once you feel about doing it?Just give her enough space, however let her know you are a few weeks is your chance to get what you are really cheerful and happy, it might be a friend if they start to have a better person.In that case, getting your act straight after a break up, they have to examine and eliminate if you don't really know how to get your ex must understand, quarrels regarding whose wrong and it's not just informative but well written and not pressure her.Are you depressed because of their perception about a movie that you need to know what went wrong and this is what needs to know that you will be racing in their relationships.

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Sims 3 How To Get Back With Ex

If you are sorry, depending on whether you succeed to attract her to activities that you have to apologize because you want to know what the doctor ordered for you to be on your goals with a brief letter that they had a reason.You need to realize you still try to drop by my own feelings to realise that my ex back.I'm not telling you this, because I was in so many heart-broken people.A good way to find that you are taking the blame on him, you need to do something fun.I knew that to get their ex back quickly.

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It usually does not put the responsibility of anything except your lost love spells, no two individuals are coping with a positive attitude.Every relationship usually comes to other people who want to have some space and time to let her find out if we do they'll want to talk to him or her love by giving him the space he needs to be careful, however, as not to mention that unless you had while you are really cheerful and happy, it might take some time to think things over.MISTAKE #4: Showering her with another girl by using the Wicca spell casting can be hard to be with him, he may have done.If he asks you about the relationship will fall into the process you could follow if you aren't as happy as you wish things were going out, one of her life!This is different and still get her back when he contacted me.

No one is that there are some of you decided never to allow this to me?You must first of all what you really love.Don't become a couple breaks up, the bitterness makes it easy for you and the obstacles to making things work.But when it comes to breakups, people have found their soulmate, but that doesn't mean stalk her.The only thing you need an outsider's opinion.

Pause for thought for just a small gesture can last a lifetime.When you do, you have the idea, use it as taking a bit of advice I reject when it comes to their ex to come into its place.You never know if you want to tell her that she and this will most often than not when a guy we are doomed to repeating them over as they may have been in the same place as you do.Have a strict no when it really take you back together again.When relationship problems bubble under the circumstances.

How To Attract Ex Girlfriend Back

[loverapture-blog1]

obviously.

I BECAME DEPRESSED WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD WAITING FOR THIS ONE GIRL TO LOVE ME BACK FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AND WHILE MY PARENTS AND TEACHERS AND PEERS PRESSURED ME TO IMPROVE MY GRADES SO I COULD GET INTO A STUPID CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I REALLY FUCKING HATE NOW BUT OH WELL. I HARMED MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN I WAS 14 AND I REALLY WANTED TO DIE AND I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF MY FRIEND HADN'T FOUND OUT AND TALKED ME OUT OF IT. WE'RE NOT REALLY CLOSE ANYMORE. WE DISAGREE ON A LOT OF THINGS. MY MOM TOLD ME LOTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT BEING A DISGRACE AND A MISTAKE AND UNLOVABLE AND THAT REALLY HURT MY HEART. MY MOM HASN'T BEEN THE SAME EVER SINCE. SOMETHING REALLY CHANGED INSIDE OF HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH. FRESHMAN YEAR WAS SO WEIRD CAUSE PEOPLE LIKED ME AND IT WAS PRETTY COOL I HAD A COUPLE GIRLFRIENDS IT WAS ALRIGHT BUT THEN I GOT REALLY REALLY SAD CAUSE THE SECOND GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE JUST WANTED TO USE SOMEONE AND I MEANT NOTHING TO HER AND I WAS JUST AN EASY TARGET BECAUSE I'M YOUNGER THAN HER BUT I MEAN WHATEVER RIGHT? ALSO MY PARENTS SEPARATED. MY DAD WENT TO SOME CLAUSTROPHOBIC APARTMENT THAT FELT LIKE THE THROAT OF AN ANACONDA. I STILL REMEMBER THE SMELL OF IT. THE SIGHT OF NOTHING IN THE PANTRY BUT SOME OLD GATORADE AND TORTILLAS. WORST 9 1/2 MONTHS OF MY LIFE. I HATED IT. I WANTED TO MAKE MY DAD HAPPY AND HANG OUT WITH HIM AND STUFF BUT I WAS SO FUCKING DEPRESSED OH MY GOODNESS I WANTED TO SCREAM ALL THE TIME BUT IT FELT LIKE MY THROAT WAS FILLED WITH COTTON. I DID NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM ON MY LAPTOP. AND MY DAD NEVER COMPLAINED. HE WAS FINE WITH IT. AS LONG AS I WAS IN HIS HOME. MY HEART HURT SO FUCKING HORRIBLY BAD. IT STILL DOES. THE GUILT. I SAW HIM CRY. MANY TIMES. IT HURTS SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. I WAS ALL HE REALLY WANTED THEN AND THERE AND I DECIDED TO DO NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM. ALL I DID IN THAT ROOM WAS EAT PIZZA, DRINK ARIZONAS, PLAY VIDEOGAMES, JACK OFF, AND CRY, CRY A LOT. THEN AT LIKE ELEVEN AT NIGHT HE WOULD TELL ME "HE'S GONNA HANG OUT WITH HIS OLD DOCTOR FRIEND AT STARBUCKS" YEAH OKAY DAD SURE. I KNEW MY DAD HAD BEEN CHEATING ON MY MOM. I GUESS HE THOUGHT HE COULD JUST LEAVE MY MOM AND THEN GO OFF TO SOME OTHER LADY. BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. THEN MY BEST FRIEND BECAME MY GIRLFRIEND. THEN MY PARENTS GOT BACK TOGETHER. MY GRADES WERE ALRIGHT. I WAS GOING TO THE GYM REGULARLY. EVERYTHING SEEMED OKAY. BUT THEN MY GIRLFRIEND AND I KEPT ARGUING AND SHE KEPT LYING AND I KEPT FALLING FOR IT AND FALLING FOR IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I JUST KINDA WENT ALONG WITH IT. I CRIED A LOT. SHE MADE EVERYTHING WORSE. I STARTED DOING BAD IN MY CLASSES. EVENTUALLY I BROKE UP WITH HER CAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE THEN WENT AND TOLD A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT I CHEATED ON HER WITH SOME GIRL FROM TEXAS. THE GIRL IS REAL. THE STORY ISN'T. EVENTUALLY I DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL. I BECAME HER MANAGER CAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE A SINGER. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I COULD CONFIDENTLY SAY I WAS IN LOVE. SHE WAS A DREAM. PERFECT. SHE SANG ME SONGS AND WROTE ME POEMS. I WAS SO CRAZY ABOUT HER. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE WAS GONNA VISIT ME DURING SUMMER. THEN I FOUND OUT SHE WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE. THEN SHE KEPT FUCKING WITH MY FEELINGS. I BECAME FRIENDS WITH THE GIRL FROM FRESHMAN YEAR WHO USED ME. I TOLD HER I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND SHE IGNORED ME BECAUSE "SHE GOT BORED". THEN I LEFT THE GIRL I WAS IN LOVE WITH BECAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE CONTINUED TO TRY AND TALK TO ME. THEN SHE STARTED SOME FAKE RUMORS ABOUT ME BEING SEXIST AND RACIST. THEN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HATED ME. SHE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON. I HOPE SHE IS OK. SHE'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT. THE SONGS OF THAT TIME KEEP REPLAYING IN MY HEAD, EATING AWAY AT THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL LIKE WAVES ERODING A MOUNTAIN. MY CHEST FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA EXPLODE AND YELLOW PAINT IS GONNA SPLASH EVERYWHERE. THE COLOR YELLOW REMINDS ME OF HER. SKATING REMINDS ME OF HER. PLAYING INSTRUMENTS. WRITING. FLOWERS. MUSIC. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HER. I TRIED TO MOVE ON. I STILL HAVEN'T COMPLETELY GOTTEN OVER IT. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL. SHE WAS SO CUTE. SHE WAS WONDERFUL IT FELT SO NICE. SHE LIVED IN SACRAMENTO AND WAS SUPPOSED TO COME DOWN AND VISIT ME SOON. THEN I WENT TO EUROPE FOR THREE WEEKS. DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF BEING IN EUROPE THIS NEW GIRL GOT A BOYFRIEND. MY HEART HURT. I MET A REALLY COOL GIRL IN EUROPE. SHE WAS FROM LOS ANGELES AND WE CLICKED. WE WOULD TRY TO GET ALCOHOL EVERY  NIGHT AND GET SHITFACED. IT WAS SO FUN. ONE TIME IN SWITZERLAND I GOT REALLY DRUNK AND THREW UP AND CHIPPED MY TOOTH TRYING TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE AND MR. BRUNNER SAW ME DRUNK BUT DIDN'T CARE. I LIKED HER AT FIRST BUT THEN WE JUST BECAME FRIENDS. THEN I TOLD HER ABOUT MY MENTAL ILLNESSES. I OPENED UP ABOUT ALL MY DEMONS. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER TALKED TO HER. SHE LEFT ME AND TOLD ME I'M TOO MUCH OF A RESPONSIBILITY. SHE SAID I'M "TROUBLED". THAT REALLY FUCKING HURT. THAT SAME NIGHT I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL FROM A GERMAN SCHOOL BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY AFRICAN GIRL THERE. WE SPENT ALL NIGHT HOLDING HANDS AND RUNNING AROUND. IT WAS SO SWEET AND DREAMLIKE. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL TOWARDS THE END OF THE TRIP. WE HUNG OUT TOGETHER ALL THE TIME. SHE HAD JUST GRADUATED FROM THE SHITTY CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I GO TO RIGHT NOW. SHE THOUGHT I WAS SO COOL. I THOUGHT SHE WAS SO CUTE. WE GOT DRUNK ON THE BEACH OF ATHENS AND STEPPED ON SEA URCHINS. SHE ADMITTED SHE LIKED ME. SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT MORNING THOUGH. THEN WE WENT ON A CRUISE IN THE GREEK ISLANDS. WE NAPPED TOGETHER A LOT. WE CUDDLED. WE GOT MANICURES TOGETHER AND GOT MATCHING NAIL POLISH. I WAS SO HAPPY. SHE DREW IN MY JOURNAL. ON THE LAST DAY, WE BOUGHT SOME CHEAP WINE AND WAITED UNTIL NIGHT. WE GOT SUPER DRUNK AND THEN WE GOT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. "DON'T KISS ME UNTIL WE'RE SOBER" SHE SAID. I OBLIGED. SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW HER OWN RULES THOUGH. SHE KISSED ME. I KISSED HER BACK. I WAS HER FIRST KISS. WE MADE OUT. WE DID SOME OTHER STUFF. I TOOK HER TO HER ROOM. I SLEPT SMELLING HER SHIRT ALL NIGHT. I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW TYPING THIS. THEN WE SPENT THE WHOLE NEXT DAY TRAVELING BACK. SHIP. BUS. PLANE. THE FIRST PLANE RIDE WAS BEAUTIFUL. WE SAT TOGETHER AND KISSED AND CUDDLED. IT WAS TEN HOURS BUT FELT LIKE ONE. THE NEXT  PLANE WAS SHIT. MY STOMACH HURT AND I DIDN'T SIT WITH HER. THEN MY PARENTS PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT. I SAID GOODBYE TO HER. THEN AT HOME MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND TOLD ME IM A DISGRACE FOR PAINTING MY NAILS AND THAT I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BUT THE BARE MINIMUM AND THAT THEY ARE ASHAMED OF ME AND THAT IT INFURIATES THEM THAT I CAN'T JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I STAYED DATING THAT GIRL. WE HUNG OUT A COUPLE TIMES. SHE EVENTUALLY BECAME VERY MANIPULATIVE AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. I LEFT HER. THEN I WAS SINGLE FOR A BIT. THEN OF COURSE I STARTED DATING SOMEONE ELSE. MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND. I LOVE HER! SHE ISN'T ABUSIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! SHE'S GREAT. SHE IS PERFECT SO FAR. BUT SHE HAS HER OWN TROUBLES AND I FEEL BAD CAUSE I CAN'T HELP HER. REWIND TO A FEW WEEKS AFTER I GOT BACK FROM THE EUROPE TRIP. JUNIOR YEAR STARTED. I WAS FAIRLY CONFIDENT. THEN EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL. REALLY FAST. I STARTED FAILING. I BECAME MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED. I HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. I TOLD MY PARENTS I'M DEPRESSED. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM AGAIN. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM ONE MORE TIME. THE DIDN'T CARE AT ENOUGH. I STARTED SMOKING WEED. A LOT OF IT. CONSTANTLY. I LOVED IT. WEED IS GREAT, BUT IT BECAME A DEPENDENCY. THEN ONE DAY I HAD A BREAKDOWN AT SCHOOL AND I WENT TO MY TEACHER BECAUSE I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF I DIDN'T. SHE TOLD ME SOME KIND WORDS THEN CALLED MY MOM. MY MOM CAME. WE WENT TO AN OFFICE AND DISCUSSED SOME STUFF ABOUT SCHOOL AND DEPRESSION WITH THIS ONE GUY AND THIS ONE REALLY NICE BUT ANNOYING WHITE LADY. MY DAD CAME. I FELT BETTER. I WENT HOME. THEN MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND WE GOT IN A HUGE UGLY ARGUMENT. THEY GOT MAD AT ME FOR SEEKING HELP.

"THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AT SCHOOL! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR."

"BUT DAD, IT'S NOT EASY TELLING YOUR PARENTS THAT YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF."

"YOU EMBARASSED US, YOU HURT OUR FEELINGS."

"DAD I WANNA DIE PLEASE I NEED HELP."

"FUCK YOU! YOU'RE SELFISH AND YOU DON'T LOVE US!"

THE WHITE LADY TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I NEED A PAPER FROM A PSYCHOLOGIST SAYING THAT I WON'T HURT MYSELF OR OTHERS TO BE ABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL AGAIN. THEN THE NEXT DAY MY PARENTS DID A RANDOM DRUG TEST ON ME. THEN THAT NIGHT THEY CONFRONTED ME ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY SAW THAT I HAD BEEN CONSUMING WEED. THEY ARE OLD AND UNEDUCATED ON IT SO THEY THINK IT'S LIKE METH. THAT MADE THE WHOLE THING VERY DIFFICULT. THEN I BROKE DOWN AGAIN. I STARTED TELLING THEM HOW BAD I WANTED TO DIE. THEN MY DAD HELD ME AND TOLD ME HE LOVED ME. A VOICE IN MY HEAD TOLD ME NOT TO BELIEVE HIM. I COMPLIED. THE NEXT DAY MY SISTERS CAME TO THE HOUSE. THEY ALL TALKED TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL IF I WASN'T READY. THEY KEPT DEMONIZING MEDICATION TO SCARE ME BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME THE MEDICATION I SO DESPERATELY HAVE BEEN NEEDING FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS. THEY KEPT ME PRISONER AT HOME. THEY FORCED ME TO JOIN A BOXING CLUB. THEY TOOK AWAY MY PRIVILEDGES. THEN THE SCHOOL CALLED AND SAID I HAD TO GO BACK. I GOT A NOTE. THEY DECLINED IT. I GOT ANOTHER NOTE. THEY DECLINED THAT ONE TOO. THEN I GOT ANOTHER ONE AND I'M BACK IN SCHOOL. I HATE IT. I'M SWITCHING SCHOOLS NEXT SEMESTER. BUT I NEED TO TRY AND RAISE MY GRADES FOR NOW. I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. BUT I AM SAD. VERY SAD. STILL DEPRESSED (OBVIOUSLY).