#our dad could die
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rant abt hospital/fam stuff
my dad had another surgery on thursday to fix more of his stomach/upper intestines and came home today, but had to go back in the hospital again because they found an infection in his blood from his tunneled line and they are scared of him going septic. again.
meanwhile my sister is sending me a stupid fucking photoshoot she did with this dog she’s thinking of keeping and asking me about stupid fucking names she likes. hasn’t even asked about her own father even though he’s been in the hospital in extreme pain for 4 days now. she literally doesn’t ask or care about him unless we bring it up im so fucking over it. she says “let me know if there’s anything i can do” well you’re in texas so no. there isn’t. i told her to come up because she hasn’t been here since he was in the ICU and she’s just like “i’ll look at flight prices” like FUCK YOU JUST GET UP HERE. you know exactly how fast these things can progress negatively and you’re holding off coming back because you haven’t a bachelorette weekend? you don’t get these moments back. you work remotely there’s no fucking reason you can’t come back here. idk how to explain it in a way that will make sense, idk how to make you understand this could be it, idk how to make you care about supporting your parents when they’ve done nothing but sacrifice and support you at every turn. i’m so fucking mad about this
#mind you this is the girl who wanted to fly back to texas before he was even out of the ICU because she quote#had to get back to her real life#like literally go fuck yourself no one cares about your fucking dog journey#our dad could die#im SO FUCKING TIRED OF HER#text
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i would like to stop experiencing the full spectrum of human emotions every day please. putting this out into the universe
#had suchhh a good workday. had hot pot with my roommate where we talked about our quarter life crises#and then came home and had a 3 hour screaming match with both of my parents where i said i was cutting them out of my life#it turns out. my dad still does not understand what the word bi means even tho his fucking wife is bi#he was like 'so you marry someone and six months later you see someone else you like and u go marry them instead?'#like genuinely. truly trying to understand#and that shocked me enough to stop crying#do not reblog please#like in hindsight it is SO funny#and that was the point where i was like. wait is this not malice#this is homophobia but i don't think it's malice#anyways we're all Ok now#we've agreed that i'm going to do what i want#and even if they're unhappy they're still gonna have a relationship with me#and they'll figure out how to adjust#my brother periodically came into the room and also screamed at my parents#i feel bad for them a lil bit. like they're not bad people#after he left my mom told me that a week and a half ago#my brother came into her room and told her that when she died he would bury her in a grave instead#of the traditional last rites (cremation rituals etc etc)#if she wouldn't accept me#and my mom said she was on a bunch of meds cause she's sick so she was so out of it it didn't even register what he was going on about#and then today after that convo she was like WAIT A MIN WHAT THE FUCK DID THIS BOY SAY TO ME#funniest 16 year old u could have on your side#truly he kept coming into the room every 5 min and going HEY HAVE YOU BOTH CONSIDERED NOT BEING HOMOPHOBIC. HAVE YOU.#HEY CAN U TELL YOUR DAUGHTER YOU STILL LOVE HER MAYBE??? THINK??? USE YOUR BRAIN???#this is why i would die for this kid#he's the best#he's such an idiot most of the time but when he's not being an idiot he's my favorite person on earth#don't tell him that tho anyone please#he'll hold it against me forever and ever as siblings do
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#im back from a week with my dad at home and at the lake#it was really nice to b home for a while but now im a mess lol#bc it really makes me wanna move back to Appalachia and not do another semester out here#and also this was our 1st trip to the lake without my mom being there. she loved the lake. she grew up on the water and was named after an#island. she died before she could use our new jetski. which my dad bought for her and she would have loved#and i stood in her sandles bc my dad keeps them out by the fireplace and my toes fit almost exactly into the impressions of her feet#and i came come with another bag full of her clothes. and i feel bad for my dad being all alone in that big house#i mean hes got the dogs but theyre 7 and 8 and theyre big boys so they probably dont have all that long left. itll be so sad when they die.#there was a moment where i was talking to the dogs and he said i sounded exactly like my mom. which was kinda intentional#on my part bc i say a lot of things bc she would say them. stolen phrases and intonations. pieces of things ive taken.#its still weird that she's just gone forever. the time in the hospital feels like it was some horrible nightmare.#and now shes never gonna kno where we end up. she's left rooms full of half tumbled rocks and half sorted photos and half organized#classroom supplies. the outlines of a person that will slowly be stitched out of existance as time moves on until theres nothing left and#the memories are gone. its just sad is all. especially bc she didnt deserve it. no one does but expecally not her.#but unfortunately life isnt about getting what you deserve. its chaos and coincidence all the way down.#unrelated
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i need proof of gerard not letting bandit watch adventure time WHAT
One of my favorite Gerard twitter moments. It’s probably justified from what I’ve heard of the show but again it’s just so funny to imagine he’s the only one getting uncomfortable in this situation
#also I don’t even have a bad relationship with my dad at all but this is making me tear up…#OUR favorite shows… I could die right this second.
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recreation of how i drew my dad 99% of the time as a kid like pretty much exactly this
#he was like a cartoon character to me#always in like movie level horrible situations where i would save him from#imagine ur child comes up to u with drawings all the time where ur a helpless loser idiot in all of them#and i drew a LOT#like the moment i could hold a pencil i was drawing daily all the time#and to my mom i only drew dramatic fire and our house burning down and lots of negative words#so that tells u smthng#point is i love my dad#hes so dumb but smart#and i love my cats#everyone else in the family can fuck off forever#like as a kid i prayed for my mom and brother to die so it would be only me and dad#i need to stop sharing things like this
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My friends in choir have organised a brunch party this morning, so I've made like 30 pancakes to bring. My brother was supposed to be helping and going with me and driving me there, but he doesn't want to be up early so he's not going at all :/
I have showered and decided to wear pajamas. I've earned pajamas today. I'm already shaking from exertion and I haven't even left yet, so I've pregamed with tylenol and I'm bringing more with me! My camera battery is charging, my phone is charged, and my MP3 player can survive the apocalypse on one bar so I'm not worried about it :3
I'm so excited to have friends I can see in person!! I don't know if I will be alive for rehearsal Tuesday night, but at least I get to see people :3
#had to wake up my dad and ask if he could drive me since my brother bailed like. last minute. after our parents went to bed last night.#im already in so much pain so im just gonna show up and die on a couch immediately. i want to go so bad.#ive never really had a social life like this and i know it is small but it is so exciting!!!#its like. -30C outside and i am not thrilled about stepping out the front door. but i am happy to be going out :3#batty blogging#text
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I really don't want to voice it bc it'd be unfair to everyone else but I just know living with my grandma has chipped away at my mental health over time and some days it's unbearable
#we had to move the furniture in a way that made a handful of rooms just fucking heinous to be in#everything is tight and the smell in her room drives me into sensory overload a lot of the time#i wish my aunt and uncle werent stupid cunts bc they have a genuinely big house and she wasnt bothering anyone#i hate those two i hope they die in debt idk#they havent picked her up ONCE on their day since the move#when she was living there my dad would have to tell them he wasnt going to make it ages before our day came up so they could prepare#now her daughter barely fucking shows up#i hate my family i hate it i wish she didnt have to live with us its clouding my brain in unfathomable ways#and i dont want to tell them that bc maybe i should've been born normal and be able to leave the house if i hate it that much!!!!!!
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sigh. my mum is talking about how she recognises that both me and my little brother are mentally ill but she's apparently been "protecting us from labels how she wasn't" (because that's "all that society wants to give kids nowadays") and she wants us to just "get on with life and be who we are"
#alina post#alina rant#i have practically begged doctors to diagnose me with the depression ive been recognised to have so i can receive genuine help#my brother and i both have autistic traits and i always wish he could get diagnosed so he could have accomodations and answers#there is undeniable systemic ableism that impacts those with mental health conditions in the uk#and i understand that that is something that could have great detriment to her if her diagnosis was revealed in some circumstances#but why do we need to suffer by ourselves without any help because SHE doesnt like labels#not to mention that a lot of our mental illness is influenced by the generational trauma and general trauma SHE and my dad inflicted upon us#once a teacher even tried to suggest that my brother was autistic and she said it was the school forcing labels for 'funding'??#the uk is so systemically ableist and most schools would probably rather die than actually accomodate their students beyond the bare minimum#the most he'd get is probably extra time in exams and maybe a card to let him leave overwhelming classrooms#im just so upset#i always knew that she hated the thought of me or my brother ever actually getting diagnoses and help... but 'protecting us'?#my depression has fucked me over so much growing up with bare minimum support. why dont i deserve help.
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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i think i'm the perfect family gathering babysitter bc i LOVE hearing people just go off about whatever topic and children LOVE doing that
#i saw my 6 year old cousin today for the first time in like 4 years#so this is the first time shes seen me and has a brain that can remember people. and im already probably her favourite cousin#she had SO much to say and she kept explaining and showing me so many things and we were having the time of our lives#she kept following me around and my dad had to move seats bc she wanted to sit next to me when we had cake :')#also im not opposed to the idea of having children one day (its just most probably not possible for me bc id rather die than get pregnant#and im not going to support adoption industry)#but every time i babysit any of my young relatives im like 'hm. do i want kids'#but anyways no one is entitled to having kids so. i am more than happy to just babysit and be the fun older cousin#aaagh im in such a good mood :')#leevi talks#i was at a cousin's graduation party and i cannot believe i was allowed to be there like. as myself#i wore a suit and got called by my real name and saw my great grandma and everything#there was a lot of family drama about me being trans but its all bc of my mom and im not going to get into it but its just.#all these years i never thought i could experience this#i thought literally no one but my dad would support me#but turns out that literally everyone but my mom and her dad love me#agh ok now im actually crying from feeling so loved#happy pride it gets better
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#that's 2 of 3 partys in my moms honor down. this one was our childhood neighbor friends#which it was really good to see them but it was really just a party. no one really talked about her at all. the subject was avoided#i think bc ppl r awkward abt it. like im fine to talk abt it. it happened. i dont see a point in avoiding it#but im also not the most socially adept. which i did pretty good talking to ppl but i was still the most awkward one there#and idk this experience has really taught me that u should have a lot of friends and a spouse bc i dont kno how a person like me could go#thru what my mom did and survive if i didnt have my dad. so i guess i have to con someone into marrying me#id b difficult to marry. im difficult to b friends with. im too avoidant of any people#im gonna die like that lady from 6 feet under with no friends. like a fridge fell on her or something. idk#but i cant die bc my dad cant go thru this again. i dunno. well see what life throws at me#also. my childhood friends r a lot of real smart ppl. like a lot of engineers and medical doctors#they make me feel so dumb. but alas. im but a humble environmental Science person#ay. i dunno. it was fun but im drained#and my cousings boyfriend is still a fucking freak who harasses animals. he really upset one of our dogs#my sister says she can imagine him murdering someone and tbh so could i. so i hope my cousins safe#unrelated
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y'all I just have to say that I am so excited to have a functioning typing device that ISN'T my phone or ipad+very-cheap-and-occasionally-bizarre-bluetooth-keyboard setup (even if I can't quite figure out most of the basic functions on my macbook right now fshkfdhfh). like... I am going to write SO much fic now that I'm not tied to the sole options of 1) Rather Inconvenient OR 2) Must Be Plugged In At ALL TIMES Or WILL Crash and Lose All Of Your Work and Also Likes To Randomly Disconnect From The Internet For No Reason Really At All. like I'll still procrstinate and get extremely intense imposter syndrome and all that. but I think that having something accessible all the time that doesn't require me to be in a really specific setting or jump through a whole bunch of hoops to use will make writing a Lot easier.
#also there's the fact that like...#ok this is going to probably sound bad and a lot of people won't understand it#but all the devices us kids had when we were young had a set-up where our parents could essentially log in and remote-control the device#at any time with no real warning#and while I actually had no problem with that set-up in theory or in practice! it did cause me to always feel kinda weird when writing#ESPECIALLY when writing fanfic dsjjsdhf#bc like. what if I'm writing an intensely WeirdTM DWEU thing and suddenly my dad pops up in my word processor.#I WOULD DIE. I WOULD DIE SO MUCH.#and he's always been very supportive of my fannish pursuits! he's always been really into cosplay and he thought the stuff I did#in other fandoms in the past was really cool and was totally cool with it!!#but I would still die. because it's one of those things that you just kinda don't acknowledge to people who aren't also *in*#that very specific field (ie not just fan-people but fanfic-consuming and possibly -writing fan-people)#ANYWAY#that was a whole sidetrack thing but it's one of the reasons I'm very happy to have a new laptop that has never had that program on it#and that my brain will hopefully be able to stop using as an excuse for executive dysfunction/imposter syndrome in the are of my writing.#gurt says stuff#my writing
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#2022 was such a long and grief filled year#ever since I became an adult I’ve felt like an acrobat on a tightrope far above the ground#I thought I’d die if I fell#if I made any mistakes it would be over I’d have ruined my life#and then it happened- I fell#dropping out of college seemed like a really big failure at the time (though it has since proven to be one the best things I’ve done)#and my parents were there to help me pick up the pieces#they were the safety net below me that I couldn’t see#and then when I became a mom I felt like I was failing every single day#and every single day I knew I could at least call my parents and they’d be there to cry to and ask for advice#over and over again they caught me and I became less afraid of falling#but last year my dad died and it changed everything#it completely yanked the safety net out from under me#sure I have my mom but she’s a completely different person now#she tries so hard and does so much for us but losing my dad has had a profound effect on her and I can’t ask her to catch me#I worry it’ll break her#so there I was on the tightrope without a net this time#and then we found out we were having our third child- not unwanted but completely the wrong time#I fell again and this time it felt like the world came crashing down#suddenly my life was far too big and I had to shrink it all the way down so I could get out of bed#I didn’t talk to anyone except my partner and my mother#it was the only way I could give everything I have to my kids#but I didn’t have the capacity to maintain friendships and I lost them as well#and now I’m doing a lot better but I don’t know how to grow my life again and be okay inviting people back in#partly because I’m not sure if I may have hurt anyone and if I did then I don’t deserve to just come back#but also because I don’t know that anyone actually noticed or cared and it would be pathetic to draw attention now if no one cared#I’m comfortable with the world being small right now- it’s safer- but my kids deserve better#they deserve friends and they can’t have friends right now if I don’t socialize#I’m not sure how to do this#but I hit the ground and I didn’t die and now it’s time to climb back up and try again
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This 1988 Family Therapy Networker magazine I found has gotta be the thing to get my son to speak to me again or I'm gonna be flippinh out like the guy in the cover
Get these dads back in the family and raise em right this time!
#toney owen#dads#mad dads#neck tendons#ragecore#stuffing emotions#fuck it we balling up our anger#real men#real men die at 40#real men play the thrombone#hard arteries hard work#the only raising up a kid i did was over my head so we could both pretend he was a airplane
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So one of my friends considers herself to be a skeptical and distrustful person but is going to see a medium tonight. Every day God picks new and interesting ways to test me
#the urge to say ‘it’s a fucking SCAM there is no way that a legitimate medium is operating in our small; low income; white trash;#conservative yorkshire town when they could be LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE’ was so strong#i only didn’t say it because her sister-in-law passed away.. sunday i think. so that’s an extremely short space of time#the wound is raw and the last thing she probably needs is me saying ‘hey the person who you think is going to talk to your sister in law#is scamming you’ but also like…… the last thing she needs is to be scammed!!!!!!#the best i could do was hint. like ‘that sounds interesting; i’ve thought about going to a medium as well [my dad died] but the fact there’s#no way to know they’re legit put me off. have a good time though 💛’#like i can’t really do more than that#i mean ideally i’d find out the contact details of whatever medium she’s going to and threaten them into cancelling the session#like ‘if you take even one singular penny from my grieving friend i will personally make sure you join her dead loved ones. and i hope they#beat you up even worse than i did’#but she’d never give me the contact details because she knows i’d do that#the whole thing is fucking terrible. it’s fucking terrible that her sister in law died of stage 4 stomach cancer (which would have been#diagnosable and preventable if doctors had just BELIEVED HER when she went to them with her symptoms)#and it’s awful that there are people out there who look at grieving families and see gold#anyway i wish all fake mediums a very die. fake psychics who don’t claim to contact the dead you are on thin ice#i read cards too but i don’t do it for money (in fact i barely do it for other people at all honestly) and i am VERY transparent#about the fact that i don’t claim to be contacting dead people or deities and i don’t know how this works#i know my predictions are usually pretty accurate but i don’t know how#and i’m not saying there are no real mediums out there but they are certainly few and far between#and i HIGHLY doubt they’d be here in my shitty little town. thank you for your time#personal
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My granny on dad's sad been getting easily sick lately and like i know shes was gonna die someday but i feel bad for not feeling sad about it
#for context shes the one that took care of me and brother when we were kids. back then we were legally obligated to spend time with our dad#at least 6 days a month. but he just left us w her and went to work bc hes an workaholic#my granny treated me badly (bc everyone in this family loves my brother more) and gave me religious trauma and left me alone with strangers#from her church. and then our grandpa (that didnt even live w her anymore) got super sick and his wife refused to take care of him#so she left him with our granny. and granny spent years and so much money on him for nothing. he was going to die anyway#he was barely a shell of a person that could only shit snd piss himself and still she forced herself to care for him because she#believed that if she did she would go to heaven#not even gonna touch on all the problems and hard times she gave my mother#i love and respect my granny for the strong black woman she is but god.... all the trauma she gave me....#2 this day she still treats me badly 4 being an atheist and gay. she still treats my uncle (her SON) badly 4 being gay and being darkskin.#i wonder if when she dies ill even be able to cry. i remember i cried everytime i had to leave her house when i was a child#like it wasnt all bad you know#i can remember good moments if i think about it#sorry for the trauma dump LOL#been way too much in my head these past few days
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