#our dad could die
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rant abt hospital/fam stuff
my dad had another surgery on thursday to fix more of his stomach/upper intestines and came home today, but had to go back in the hospital again because they found an infection in his blood from his tunneled line and they are scared of him going septic. again.
meanwhile my sister is sending me a stupid fucking photoshoot she did with this dog she’s thinking of keeping and asking me about stupid fucking names she likes. hasn’t even asked about her own father even though he’s been in the hospital in extreme pain for 4 days now. she literally doesn’t ask or care about him unless we bring it up im so fucking over it. she says “let me know if there’s anything i can do” well you’re in texas so no. there isn’t. i told her to come up because she hasn’t been here since he was in the ICU and she’s just like “i’ll look at flight prices” like FUCK YOU JUST GET UP HERE. you know exactly how fast these things can progress negatively and you’re holding off coming back because you haven’t a bachelorette weekend? you don’t get these moments back. you work remotely there’s no fucking reason you can’t come back here. idk how to explain it in a way that will make sense, idk how to make you understand this could be it, idk how to make you care about supporting your parents when they’ve done nothing but sacrifice and support you at every turn. i’m so fucking mad about this
#mind you this is the girl who wanted to fly back to texas before he was even out of the ICU because she quote#had to get back to her real life#like literally go fuck yourself no one cares about your fucking dog journey#our dad could die#im SO FUCKING TIRED OF HER#text
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#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart#on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me#but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents#leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing#if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney#at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious#intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops#functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant#obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom#but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills#it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was#meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood#but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual.#i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more#we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week#its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die#so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her#computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to#before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the#feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird#unrelated
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i would like to stop experiencing the full spectrum of human emotions every day please. putting this out into the universe
#had suchhh a good workday. had hot pot with my roommate where we talked about our quarter life crises#and then came home and had a 3 hour screaming match with both of my parents where i said i was cutting them out of my life#it turns out. my dad still does not understand what the word bi means even tho his fucking wife is bi#he was like 'so you marry someone and six months later you see someone else you like and u go marry them instead?'#like genuinely. truly trying to understand#and that shocked me enough to stop crying#do not reblog please#like in hindsight it is SO funny#and that was the point where i was like. wait is this not malice#this is homophobia but i don't think it's malice#anyways we're all Ok now#we've agreed that i'm going to do what i want#and even if they're unhappy they're still gonna have a relationship with me#and they'll figure out how to adjust#my brother periodically came into the room and also screamed at my parents#i feel bad for them a lil bit. like they're not bad people#after he left my mom told me that a week and a half ago#my brother came into her room and told her that when she died he would bury her in a grave instead#of the traditional last rites (cremation rituals etc etc)#if she wouldn't accept me#and my mom said she was on a bunch of meds cause she's sick so she was so out of it it didn't even register what he was going on about#and then today after that convo she was like WAIT A MIN WHAT THE FUCK DID THIS BOY SAY TO ME#funniest 16 year old u could have on your side#truly he kept coming into the room every 5 min and going HEY HAVE YOU BOTH CONSIDERED NOT BEING HOMOPHOBIC. HAVE YOU.#HEY CAN U TELL YOUR DAUGHTER YOU STILL LOVE HER MAYBE??? THINK??? USE YOUR BRAIN???#this is why i would die for this kid#he's the best#he's such an idiot most of the time but when he's not being an idiot he's my favorite person on earth#don't tell him that tho anyone please#he'll hold it against me forever and ever as siblings do
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wallpaper is insane like u find a product w an ugly print ? wallpaper it. just multiple uncoordinated things put together ? wallpaper it. ugly door ? wallpaper it. ugly wall ? landlord won’t let me wallpaper it
#stream#tumblrs aging demographic etc but this was actually abt diys#the years of getting very stoned & watching the sorry girls & not even remembering what the original video was have prepared me to diy#everything#like ALSKALSKALSKLAKSLAKAA i love pullin shit out the trash like u don’t want it ? i do ‼️#i can REPURPOSE IT#i think it’s so funny#like the way i was raised was to recycle or whatever but my father also raised us to save everything bc what if u need the parts u know dads#so i just do. one of my core memories from ‘a child’ i was probably in like 8th grade at this point was when the hubcap of my fathers car#fell off his old as dirt hunk of junk older than me automobile & he was too cheap to pay like 25$ for a new 1 so he took my brother & i to#this like drainage ditch expecting US to go poke around in there & get it & i said absolutely fuckin not#bc this same man would tell us - bc we had to buy our own toys so like we u know saved whenever we got money from bday or christmas or u#know manual labour in exchange for money bc ok yea at least he taught us to demand what ur worth w that but it was like 5c ea pinecone 1c ea#stick or like ‘help me repair the roof’ ‘pressure wash the fence’ i was like 9 ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAAKS - he’d take us to the toy store &#we’d bring our money but instead we’d go to the hardware store & do all the errands & force us to do everything w him then he’d just say#‘yea it’s too late for that sorry’ like it was just. captive audience. this man is the reason i don’t go anywhere unless i know i can leave#on my own or when i want somehow bc girl …. I DONT TRUST ANYBODY HES A LIAR & A SCAMMER LIKE#but that’s just family heritage it’s genetic we’re a long line of liars & scammers but the buck ends here bc i’m not having bio children#or any children#lord knows i’ll be dead long before the chance could arise#i shouldn’t say things like that but ALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLAKSLA WE KNEW WE’D DIE YOUNG#this started w wallpaper#i’m so high#also very very bored#i’ve to do dishes & i absolutely 100% do not want to i hate dishes so fucking much i hate doing them i hate being around them i hate seeing
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i remember when me and my siblings were helping my dad pack up to move apartments one of us accidentally packed his full inhaler with the empty ones and we brought that box of inhalers to the new place and drove back to the old one and when my dad found out he said "ill just let myself die if i have an asthma attack" and then later in the night he did have an asthma attack and i had to call an ambulance for him and when they got there they helped him with his stupid asthma and then had to help me because i was having a panic attack bc i thought i had put the inhaler in the wrong box and it wouldve been my fault if he died. i was 15
#racing!#dad doesnt remember this. but i do#he also called me once out of nowhere and said he 'might die today' and that he would leave a will somewhere i could find it and just ??#hung up???? and DIDNT CALL ME BACK FOR 5 HOURS#and when his sorry ass finally picked the phone up again he was like lol sorry my bitch wife wanted me to clean leaves off the roof#SIR I DONT CARE??? YOU DONT CALL YOUR KID AND SAY SHIT LIKE THAT ON A RANDOM ASS WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON??#but anyways hes threatened me and my siblings w his own untimely demise multiple times throughout our lives#another fun childhood memory was when i asked him why he couldnt come to my birthday party when i was 9ish and he said#and i quote#'would you prefer if i hanged myself'#NO WTF I WAS 9!!!!!!! I MISSED MY DAD!!!!! /IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I WANTED YOU THERE AND YOU DIDNT SHOW UP/#literally didnt even want a gift. i just wanted my dad to say happy birthday to me#even little shit stays the same huh...... (he didnt say happy birthday to me rhis year either)
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recreation of how i drew my dad 99% of the time as a kid like pretty much exactly this
#he was like a cartoon character to me#always in like movie level horrible situations where i would save him from#imagine ur child comes up to u with drawings all the time where ur a helpless loser idiot in all of them#and i drew a LOT#like the moment i could hold a pencil i was drawing daily all the time#and to my mom i only drew dramatic fire and our house burning down and lots of negative words#so that tells u smthng#point is i love my dad#hes so dumb but smart#and i love my cats#everyone else in the family can fuck off forever#like as a kid i prayed for my mom and brother to die so it would be only me and dad#i need to stop sharing things like this
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My friends in choir have organised a brunch party this morning, so I've made like 30 pancakes to bring. My brother was supposed to be helping and going with me and driving me there, but he doesn't want to be up early so he's not going at all :/
I have showered and decided to wear pajamas. I've earned pajamas today. I'm already shaking from exertion and I haven't even left yet, so I've pregamed with tylenol and I'm bringing more with me! My camera battery is charging, my phone is charged, and my MP3 player can survive the apocalypse on one bar so I'm not worried about it :3
I'm so excited to have friends I can see in person!! I don't know if I will be alive for rehearsal Tuesday night, but at least I get to see people :3
#had to wake up my dad and ask if he could drive me since my brother bailed like. last minute. after our parents went to bed last night.#im already in so much pain so im just gonna show up and die on a couch immediately. i want to go so bad.#ive never really had a social life like this and i know it is small but it is so exciting!!!#its like. -30C outside and i am not thrilled about stepping out the front door. but i am happy to be going out :3#batty blogging#text
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I really don't want to voice it bc it'd be unfair to everyone else but I just know living with my grandma has chipped away at my mental health over time and some days it's unbearable
#we had to move the furniture in a way that made a handful of rooms just fucking heinous to be in#everything is tight and the smell in her room drives me into sensory overload a lot of the time#i wish my aunt and uncle werent stupid cunts bc they have a genuinely big house and she wasnt bothering anyone#i hate those two i hope they die in debt idk#they havent picked her up ONCE on their day since the move#when she was living there my dad would have to tell them he wasnt going to make it ages before our day came up so they could prepare#now her daughter barely fucking shows up#i hate my family i hate it i wish she didnt have to live with us its clouding my brain in unfathomable ways#and i dont want to tell them that bc maybe i should've been born normal and be able to leave the house if i hate it that much!!!!!!
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#im back from a week with my dad at home and at the lake#it was really nice to b home for a while but now im a mess lol#bc it really makes me wanna move back to Appalachia and not do another semester out here#and also this was our 1st trip to the lake without my mom being there. she loved the lake. she grew up on the water and was named after an#island. she died before she could use our new jetski. which my dad bought for her and she would have loved#and i stood in her sandles bc my dad keeps them out by the fireplace and my toes fit almost exactly into the impressions of her feet#and i came come with another bag full of her clothes. and i feel bad for my dad being all alone in that big house#i mean hes got the dogs but theyre 7 and 8 and theyre big boys so they probably dont have all that long left. itll be so sad when they die.#there was a moment where i was talking to the dogs and he said i sounded exactly like my mom. which was kinda intentional#on my part bc i say a lot of things bc she would say them. stolen phrases and intonations. pieces of things ive taken.#its still weird that she's just gone forever. the time in the hospital feels like it was some horrible nightmare.#and now shes never gonna kno where we end up. she's left rooms full of half tumbled rocks and half sorted photos and half organized#classroom supplies. the outlines of a person that will slowly be stitched out of existance as time moves on until theres nothing left and#the memories are gone. its just sad is all. especially bc she didnt deserve it. no one does but expecally not her.#but unfortunately life isnt about getting what you deserve. its chaos and coincidence all the way down.#unrelated
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sigh. my mum is talking about how she recognises that both me and my little brother are mentally ill but she's apparently been "protecting us from labels how she wasn't" (because that's "all that society wants to give kids nowadays") and she wants us to just "get on with life and be who we are"
#alina post#alina rant#i have practically begged doctors to diagnose me with the depression ive been recognised to have so i can receive genuine help#my brother and i both have autistic traits and i always wish he could get diagnosed so he could have accomodations and answers#there is undeniable systemic ableism that impacts those with mental health conditions in the uk#and i understand that that is something that could have great detriment to her if her diagnosis was revealed in some circumstances#but why do we need to suffer by ourselves without any help because SHE doesnt like labels#not to mention that a lot of our mental illness is influenced by the generational trauma and general trauma SHE and my dad inflicted upon us#once a teacher even tried to suggest that my brother was autistic and she said it was the school forcing labels for 'funding'??#the uk is so systemically ableist and most schools would probably rather die than actually accomodate their students beyond the bare minimum#the most he'd get is probably extra time in exams and maybe a card to let him leave overwhelming classrooms#im just so upset#i always knew that she hated the thought of me or my brother ever actually getting diagnoses and help... but 'protecting us'?#my depression has fucked me over so much growing up with bare minimum support. why dont i deserve help.
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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i think i'm the perfect family gathering babysitter bc i LOVE hearing people just go off about whatever topic and children LOVE doing that
#i saw my 6 year old cousin today for the first time in like 4 years#so this is the first time shes seen me and has a brain that can remember people. and im already probably her favourite cousin#she had SO much to say and she kept explaining and showing me so many things and we were having the time of our lives#she kept following me around and my dad had to move seats bc she wanted to sit next to me when we had cake :')#also im not opposed to the idea of having children one day (its just most probably not possible for me bc id rather die than get pregnant#and im not going to support adoption industry)#but every time i babysit any of my young relatives im like 'hm. do i want kids'#but anyways no one is entitled to having kids so. i am more than happy to just babysit and be the fun older cousin#aaagh im in such a good mood :')#leevi talks#i was at a cousin's graduation party and i cannot believe i was allowed to be there like. as myself#i wore a suit and got called by my real name and saw my great grandma and everything#there was a lot of family drama about me being trans but its all bc of my mom and im not going to get into it but its just.#all these years i never thought i could experience this#i thought literally no one but my dad would support me#but turns out that literally everyone but my mom and her dad love me#agh ok now im actually crying from feeling so loved#happy pride it gets better
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#2022 was such a long and grief filled year#ever since I became an adult I’ve felt like an acrobat on a tightrope far above the ground#I thought I’d die if I fell#if I made any mistakes it would be over I’d have ruined my life#and then it happened- I fell#dropping out of college seemed like a really big failure at the time (though it has since proven to be one the best things I’ve done)#and my parents were there to help me pick up the pieces#they were the safety net below me that I couldn’t see#and then when I became a mom I felt like I was failing every single day#and every single day I knew I could at least call my parents and they’d be there to cry to and ask for advice#over and over again they caught me and I became less afraid of falling#but last year my dad died and it changed everything#it completely yanked the safety net out from under me#sure I have my mom but she’s a completely different person now#she tries so hard and does so much for us but losing my dad has had a profound effect on her and I can’t ask her to catch me#I worry it’ll break her#so there I was on the tightrope without a net this time#and then we found out we were having our third child- not unwanted but completely the wrong time#I fell again and this time it felt like the world came crashing down#suddenly my life was far too big and I had to shrink it all the way down so I could get out of bed#I didn’t talk to anyone except my partner and my mother#it was the only way I could give everything I have to my kids#but I didn’t have the capacity to maintain friendships and I lost them as well#and now I’m doing a lot better but I don’t know how to grow my life again and be okay inviting people back in#partly because I’m not sure if I may have hurt anyone and if I did then I don’t deserve to just come back#but also because I don’t know that anyone actually noticed or cared and it would be pathetic to draw attention now if no one cared#I’m comfortable with the world being small right now- it’s safer- but my kids deserve better#they deserve friends and they can’t have friends right now if I don’t socialize#I’m not sure how to do this#but I hit the ground and I didn’t die and now it’s time to climb back up and try again
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This 1988 Family Therapy Networker magazine I found has gotta be the thing to get my son to speak to me again or I'm gonna be flippinh out like the guy in the cover
Get these dads back in the family and raise em right this time!
#toney owen#dads#mad dads#neck tendons#ragecore#stuffing emotions#fuck it we balling up our anger#real men#real men die at 40#real men play the thrombone#hard arteries hard work#the only raising up a kid i did was over my head so we could both pretend he was a airplane
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it is the dreadposting hours ur honor
#we're in the cutting corners to survive era of our life rn and that's why we're looking for new insurance.. these past few years we've#hardly done medical things beyond the standard doctor/allergist/dentist visits so i'm partial to getting a plan with#low premiums bc 1. we can't afford to spend too much on it and 2. we haven't really needed it#BUT. while i'm looking at all of this the evil anxiety bug in my brain is like ah but. what if you were suddenly#diagnosed with.. THE DISEASE... i would like to pretend i do not see it#i'm nervous because. my dad puts my mom through so much shit that i worry something Could happen to her just on the basis of blood pressure#and stuff.. but i also worry that thinking about that kind of stuff makes it more likely to come true#fears aside.. girl i don't think any of my medications are approved under the plan i'm looking at which </3 agonies.. i think i would just#have to write to the insurance company or have a pcp write for me to get it approved? which hopefully isn't a big deal#but What If It Is.. i would die without fluocinolone O_O; i'm trying to get myself off of triam before my skin becomes addicted to it so#honestly it'd probably be more incentive to get off of it if i didn't have access to it.. but fluo is the only thing keeping me stable#right naurw ur honor <3 i should see if i can find my old receipts from the pharmacy to see how much it is without insurance#i remember when i used to get eucrisa.. it was like $900 without insurance and i was like. Ah. That's a Nightmare. :D so i hope the fluo#is cheaper.. i think it would be since the price was the original reason i got onto it anyways... :o much to consider#sriracha.txt#sorry for clogging up the dash i just have a lot of thoughts and fears wrt this stuff.. it feels a Lot More Adult than i am comfortable#handling if that makes sense?
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#oh god i feel so suffocated here i think im going to die#like genuinely feel like im in a prison cell and so trapped no way out#there's no real other option other than suffer#and i feel so. not lonely. because im fine most of the day when im busy studying#but when the only break is talking to my dad. i start crying at even the littlest things#and i can't in front of him it never ends well so i have to control it and it's so difficult im a crier and i have to wait and wait#and then immediately as soon as the door is locked my knees get weak and i break down crying#i just want to talk to someone. never felt so alone before#like i want to tell my mom because he offered a way out like go back live at home in st#but mom will live here and you cook for your brother abd yourself on your own#and i wont let u go to a public gym and u have to visit every 1 month#i considered it but like. i think about her despressed as fuck in rishikesh#and me being like okay i finally made friends aftery trying and crying for one year i can't believe you're moving me again#i mean i didn't tell her but i thought it#but like yeah she says she was so depressed there because she was too away from her beloved relatives#so like how can i do this to her#and like. i mean i don't want to just live there for the sake of it i do study better under anxiety here#and food and no gym it's stupid#but like this whole option is so unfair and#he says dumb things like isn't it so nice to have a business like this we earn so much money and we're so independent#im like we?? excuse me?? you and you only#fuck i don't want to vent on tumblr about this it's not#it doesn't feel enough#it's just#the one person i could tell this to and she'd understand perfectly. and would somehow make me feel instantly better too#i can't talk to them anymore i don't know maybe my own fault but yeah#fuck at times like these i realise i haven't moved on ive just become good at not thinking about her#ill admit this now atleast. i miss her#feels weird to say her instead of you on tumblr of all places#it used to be ours
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