#i hate those two i hope they die in debt idk

[cockyroaches]

I really don't want to voice it bc it'd be unfair to everyone else but I just know living with my grandma has chipped away at my mental health over time and some days it's unbearable

[gojoest]

I'm still so tired, jet lag is a real thing 😭

Went to japan last week, this was actually my 2nd time. The first time was when I was still in uni, about 19/20 years old? Which was a while ago 😅

If anyone is planning to go japan, do NOT go during september or the summer if you cant handle humid heat. It got as high as 36°C and it was unbearable! The sun is so hot and air was so thick 😭 Nearly died, I've never used my asthma pump so much before lol

Anyways, enough about that! I was lucky enough to visit 3 cities! Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto ��

In Tokyo, visited the Meiji Shrine, went up Tokyo Tower, went to a jjk0 themed cafe, tbh this was kind of a let down. It was just a cafe with like the official cafe photos plastered on the walls and themed food. I was expecting it to be more like those kpop group cafes with standees and like a table of official merch to take photos with. I did buy a satoru acrylic stand and a keychain gacha. When I opened the gacha pack, it was CHIBI SATORU 😭💙💙💙💙 I was so happy! Made the whole trip worth it ✨ Also went Shibuya Crossing! Last time I went, it was already busy back then but omg, this time, its waaaaaaay more busier! Like the streets were full, there were no gaps in between people. You just had to keep moving to your destination (No wonder kenjaku chose this place 😭)

In Osaka, went Dotonbori, Denden town, and Sumiyoshi Shrine. Idk if you know about this very popular store called Don Quiote, but Bruno Mars is promoting it, and he has an ad/song that plays on tvs throughout the store. It was so random to see him but then again, he does have that Las Vegas debt to pay off 🤭🤭

Kyoto 💖 This place has my heart 🥰 Its so beautiful and relaxing. So easy to travel, everyone there is so lovely, the food is delicious, the landmarks are breath-taking. If I ever go back, I would stay there longer. I visited the famous Fushimi Inari Shrine, Tenryuuji Temple and Kiyomizu-dera - which the tokyo jujutsu tech college is (supposedly) based on!

I had such a great time! Spent so much on food and souvenirs, I am now broke, but worth it 🤣

I hope you've been doing well Ai, I saw some posts about someone/some people bothering you. Don't let them get to you, you're such a lovely person, I can't even imagine why they would send hate to you. Always put yourself first, and if that means taking breaks from tumblr or turning off anon, then do what you need to. Be selfish, and take care of yourself before anyone else.

If you ever decide to permanently turn off anon, I will literally make an account for satorus soft cock anon to keep interacting with you 🤣

Love you loads girl 😘💙💙💙💙

- satorus soft cock anon

i hope you were able to rest beloved, i can only imagine the toll it’s taken on your body :( but on the bright side, you’ve made so many precious memories!!!

i will note this down! i love summer and i usually don’t have issues dealing with heat but humid heat is an entirely different story 😭 glad you’re safe and sound though, please take care of yourself 🥺🤍

i want to visit japan so bad, the two cities i’d die to see are tokyo and kyoto and reading about your experience there makes me all the more excited >~< (side note, you’re a lucky one for getting chibi satoru waaaaaaah, it must be fate actually and not luck, i swear!! he was meant to be in your possession heheh)

i am sitting here, reading and vigorously taking notes of what to see and where to go AHAHAH i am so happy for you, glad you had such a lovely time there and thank you for dropping by to share your experience and impressions 🤍

i have been well! i appreciate your kind words so much, you and other lovely ppl like you make being here worth it all the more! love you and sending the biggest ever hug your way 🤍

[bookofmirth]

Hi!!! First of all, sorry for my English, I know it's not perfect but I hope I can write in an understandable way! I was browsing and came across your blog! I have read almost all of your posts and asks about acotar!

I'm not a huge fan of the saga (I have a huge struggle finding female characters I like or at least wouldn't want to see dead lol I guess it's the fact that 99% of the time there's always romance involved and I hate romance! In fact, I was very amazed when despite not being crazy about her character, I almost never found Freya annoying, even her relationship with Rhys didn't bother me that much, and especially when reading the book I fell in love with Mor! A very strange thing, I read a lot and the female characters I don't dislike I can count on the fingers of one hand), I read it because I was looking for books with a strong bromance and a friend of mine (madly in love with Freya and Rhys) suggested Acotar to me because of Rhys, Az and Cassian and I must say she was right, I liked the three of them very much, especially Rhys and Cassian, my favorites (with Mor). Although, I admit I would have liked to see a little more about their relationship; I appreciated the fact that the nightmares Rhys had were about the fact that Cassian or Az might suffer the same fate he had suffered in his fifty years of captivity, the fact that when Cassian was wounded in acomaf he was aware of the urgency of healing his wings because he would rather die than live without them, or again when in acowar he told him that there was no debt to repay when Nesta had proposed to be bait and Cassian agreed. I was wondering, since from what I have read you understand Cassian's character very well, if you have a favorite moment of yours between the two and if there is anything you would like to see between the two in the next books.

P.S Since I'm not a fan of Nesta (understatement) I didn't read acosf, because loving Cassian's character I was afraid that it would make me dislike him (and because I had/have a bad feeling that he will end up at the point where he has to choose between her and his family and the very idea makes me furious and sick. But feel free to do spoilers, I haven't read the book but I obviously know what happens)

And then one more thing. I don't know if I can ask you this (I think I understand that this kind of question you prefer to be asked on the other blog, however while I'm at it...) but if you know of any, would you like to suggest some other books/saga where there is a connection like the one between the bat boys? It's what I prefer to read, but I have a hard time finding books with a strong bromance component to read.

A hug🤗

Hello! I love Cassian so much, I love this whole ask :D

I have read almost all of your posts and asks about acotar

First, I commend you on this because oh my god, that's a lot of content to sift through haha

I love that you love Mor! I love her too, even if sjm has basically written her as an incomplete character thus far. We got so much info about her in acomaf-fas, we even got her POV, and now nothing but the tension between her and Nesta in acosf? SJM has dangled all this stuff in front of us about Mor and then just left it as big question marks. She has said she is excited to write Mor's story, so I am just hoping that comes before I hit retirement age.

I am finishing up my acomaf reread today and I just love the IC so much in that era, I totally understand why you love the friendship between Rhys, Cassian, and Azriel. Cassian and Mor is my favorite brotp (still) but I love the idea of those three guys supporting each other through all these years and knowing each other so well. There are some things in acosf that make me question their friendship so maybe you shouldn't read it, idk. I don't think that, if you don't like Nesta, then acosf would make you dislike Cassian. From what I've seen, people who really love Nesta ended up disliking Cassian in acosf. I prefer Cassian to Nesta, without question, and acosf didn't make me like him any less.

I had/have a bad feeling that he will end up at the point where he has to choose between her and his family

This definitely happens and I think that readers don't realize that he is so torn between his brothers and his mate? Nesta and Rhys do not get along and so that puts Cassian in an awkward position not infrequently. There are no good choices for him when Nesta and Rhys butt heads. Imagine if your partner and your family were clashing, it's awkward enough but then you're at the beginning of your relationship, your partner is dealing with some mental health shit, your family is dealing with world ending shit. It's a lot.

For your question about what I hope, I hope that Cassian and Nesta are able to find a balance in their relationship. That would mean her respecting his relationship with Rhys and Az despite her feelings towards Rhys, and him choosing her over them on occasion and standing up for her. I don't see how their relationship (Cassian and Nesta) could honestly last unless they find a way to balance the fact that Cassian's best friend/brother and his mate hate one another. Something's got to give. My favorite scene between them thus far is still the end of acowar when he thinks he is going to die and says he wishes they'd had more time.

For books with a strong bromance, that's an interesting question! I'm not sure if these count, but the first one that comes to mind is The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet. It's not bromance per se, but it does focus on friendship a lot! Then The Gilded Wolves revolves around a friend group. There is some romance in that one. If you are into graphic novels, Rat Queens has great female friendship, but stop after the third volume. There are also great friendships in the Mistborn trilogy! I feel like I should start a "friendship" shelf on my Goodreads so I can keep track of them, that was a hard question. If anyone else has recommendations, feel free to leave them!

[obeiii-mee]

Hey there! Love your writing. What about MC spending a whole day with just one of the brothers? Like you know, if the brothers were deciding what to do? Sorry if it’s too boring and romantic haha, I’m a lost case, I desperately need that night walks with Satan and working out with Beel in my life haha. Thanks xx

Same though. I love writing just typical HCs with the bros during date night or something. And I’m currently writing a few angst HCs so I really needed this too lmao. I hope you don’t mind these not being too long. I hope this satisfies you lol.

Enjoy!

——————————

The Brothers Spending a Whole Day with MC:

Lucifer:

-Mr. Prideful doesn’t take many days off

-But when he’s with you, he really feels like he can unwind properly

-Lucifer loves going on walks with you tbh

-He feels like it’s a nice break from all of his office work and meetings

-Sometimes the two of you end up in Majolish or a restaurant

-He definitely has a thing for spoiling you on days like these, because he feels he doesn’t appreciate you enough otherwise

-Like when he yells at both you and Mammon for doing stupid shit around Lord Diavolo

-The two of you could walk through the whole of DevilDom hand in hand if you had more hours in the day

-I see Lucifer as a bit traditional when it comes to dating so it’s obvious you’ll have movie dates and everything

-But a day off for him? With you? Away from his brothers, all of their chaos and the never ending attention his paperwork needs?

-It feels like he’s in the Celestial Realm all over again

-He does love you

-His past just doesn’t let him express his affection towards you very well

Mammon:

-If the two of you could spend the whole day together, there are only three places you could be at: Majolish, the casino or trying to make money for Mammon’s debts somewhere

-But it doesn’t really matter for him

-He could be stuck in a broom closet with you and still be happy (though he wouldn’t admit it)

-Spending a day with just him is bound to end in tears to be honest, on his part usually

-Because everything is going well and you’re having fun

-“Ah shit!”

-“Mammon you OK? What happened?”

-“I accidentally sold Lucifer’s gloves for 50000 Grimm!”

-How does one accidentally sell something?

-So he get a bit of an earful for that

-Other than that, being with the second eldest is crazy enough as it is

-You may have lost all that money at the casino but for the first time in a while, Mammon didn’t care that much

-Because you were there and laughing with him about how stupid both of you were

-You guys hit as many shops as possible and just generally have a messy, fun time together

-He often ends these days saying something like “You should be grateful that THE GREAT MAMMON agreed to let you tag along with him today.”

-But just kiss him on the cheek and he will shut up. For like hours. He’ll be too flushed to even look you in the eye

-He really wants to spend another day out with his human

Levi:

-Welp, life of a shut-in otaku

-It should be of no surprise that the two of you spend most of your time in his room

-It’s just the one place he’s most comfortable in and having you there makes it so much better

-Anime’s and video games are a must obviously

-But he loves doing movie marathons with you too (while loudly complaining the movie sucks and that you’re a normie for choosing it. Which means he likes it)

-Maybe a few good hours of him ranting about TSL because it’s Levi

-So the chances of you guys getting any sleep on said day are slim to none

-Also, if you agree to go to conventions with him, he will die of happiness

-On the rare occasion that he does go outside, he’s only out there because you went with him so that should tell you how much he loves you

-But most of the time you’re locked in his room to the point where Luci dearest has to come along and drag you the fuck to breakfast

-Ah, true love~~

Satan:

-I mean, this one should be pretty obvious too

-If he doesn’t enjoy dates in the library, then is he really Satan? (I never thought a sentence like that would ever be typed)

-Most of the time it ends with him reading to you because his voice is sO bEAutIful and you just melt when you hear it

-I will forever hc that he makes sound effects while reading too so imagine that

-You two don’t always get the chance to spend a whole day together

-But he tries to check in on you at least once a day

-*Cue romantic run through the house of Lamentation, trying to find you so he can gossip and bitch about Lucifer*

-Walks with him are very common too

-They usually take place at night, because he’s a sap and he read too many romance books and damn it kiss him already

-He would hold an umbreally over you if it started raining and everything

-Satan takes these moments to chat to you about anything, he just wants to appreciate you being there

-You guys made out several times while on these ‘walks’ ngl skskevshskbeuensb

-One time, you showed him a cat cáfe in the human realm and he went nuts

-Safe to say you’ve been there more times than I care to count, most of which were without permission

-A day with him can either go extremely calmly and end with you guys falling asleep on each other in his room or escalate to either pranking Lucifer or...steamier stuff

-Haha if anyone ever mentions he’s a cheesy bastard, they’re dead before they can say their prayers

-Except you, you get the pass on this one, tease him as much as you want

Asmo:

-Finally, he gets to have you all to himself without any of his brothers cockblocking him all the time~ (same tbh)

-The whole day would be planned from head to toe in activities and events

-It would start with some sort of makeover in the morning (getting your nails done, doing hairstyles, skin routine etc.)

-Then it would move on to some serious shopping sprees where he basically buys everything that he deems to be cute

-They’re for you 100% tho

-The day usually ends with you getting dragged to parties and clubs because Asmo can’t go a day without speaking to other people

-By the time you get home, you’re almost knocked out cold and carrying several bags full of clothes and shit

-But you can never say you didn’t enjoy yourself on these days

-Having Asmo around is exhilarating and somehow, even if crowds happen to not be your thing, it’s still really easy to have fun anyway

-There are times when the two of you stay at home and do each other’s nails and everything

-And you two are very fond of these sort of dates as well

-Of course, all of this assuming he won’t try to seduce you and get in your pants all day

-Turns our Mammon is somehow telepathically connected to you and rushes over any time this happens

-So much for not being cockblocked I guess

-He always switches things up as well which is usually very pleasant because you don’t visit the same shops or clubs every day

-Just be back by midnight or you’ll have your asses handed back to you otherwise

Beel:

-Beel loves you

-Beel loves food

-If those two happen to be in the same room, he might as well die peacefully

-It’s all he ever asked for (especially if Belphie is there too)

-Half of the day is spent at either Hell’s Kitchen or in your kitchen at home

-For him, the food always tastes better when you’re there so if you’re willing to go, then he’ll be like a cheerful puppy the whole time (how many times have I compared Beel to a puppy lmao)

-The other half of the day is spent training

-Work out sessions are important to him and he’s more than happy to let you join in

-If anything, you’ll be on his back as he does his push ups even though you’re not that heavy to him

-It sort of warms that demon heart of his because you’re always there handing him towels and water after he’s finished

-And you always have snacks prepared too which is wonderful really

-Kudos for being able to hide them from him the whole time

-It’s also not that surprising to know that you, Beel and Belphie hang out a lot

-So these days often mean that Belphegor tags along with you guys everywhere

-You won’t notice him tho, believe me, he’ll just stay attached to Beel’s back and sleep the whole time

-If he gets to spend a day with his loved ones, then Beel can honestly not ask for more

Belphie:

-“Belphie...?”

-“Yes MC?”

-“Is.....is that a pillow fort that’s almost as big as the attic?”

-“It is indeed.”

-“Why?”

-“Why not?”

-Tbh it would be a miracle if you two didn’t sleep the whole day

-But if he had to go somewhere with you

-It would be anywhere

-Much like Mammon, he couldn’t give less of a shit about the evironment as long as you’re there

-Chances are, however, that he will sneak you two to the human world a few times in secret

-He still insists he hates humans but truth is, he misses them and their realm

-Going back there, without permission the same way he did all those centuries ago, was like a breath of fresh air

-You guys would be chilling at a park in the human realm, probably make small picnic or something

-Belphie, as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, loves these dates and would kill anything on his path if it meant he gets to be in your arms while taking a nap in the human world

-He invites Beel along too which makes everything so much better for him

-He will just fall asleep on you while you run your fingers through his hair

-Belphie is so warm too so it’s likely you won’t stay awake for long either

-Poor Beel has to carry both back to DevilDom but he does it anyway without complaining >:(

-He knows that he isn’t allowed to come up here and that he should stop these dates before Lucifer finds out

-But being out here with you brings him an irreplaceable meaning and you’re so soft and gentle, he can’t resist cuddling into you

-Also he doesn’t give a shit what Lucifer thinks

(Idk why my writing is so bad in this post, it kinda feels like I forced myself to write it and maybe that’s why..? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my mess of HCs)

Al~

[bettsfic]

hi, i was reading your years in review and i noticed that you quit a job of many years to go your own way. i was wondering if you would mind talking about this decision/if you struggled with it? idk i've always told myself that i wouldn't let the idea of a "career" get in the way of what i want (e.g. writing) and that one day (shortly after 30?) i would just quit whatever job i had and go my own way, but as that deadline comes up i find it harder to imagine how i could just uproot myself...

yes, i very much did struggle with the decision to quit (what i thought was) my very stable and lucrative career in finance to get an MFA in creative writing. it’s a bit of a long story so i’m putting it under a cut.

warning for suicidality and sexual assault.

i used to believe i grew up poor, but it was the 90s so poverty looked very different. my dad didn’t work for a long time, and so we only had one income, and we lived in an apartment that was kind of a lowkey hoarder home. as a kid, all i knew was that i didn’t get to have toys, or my own space, and i wasn’t allowed to have friends over. the concept of an allowance was totally alien to me. but it also wasn’t like i ever went hungry. the food we had wasn’t particularly healthy but it was always there.

i didn’t really realize how much that instability affected me until much later, when i noticed other people hadn’t lived their entire lives aware of and obsessed with money. i used to compulsively count the change in my piggy bank and beg my mom to take it so she could pay her taxes (i didn’t know what taxes meant, i just assumed they were the reason we couldn’t afford nice things). 

my safe haven was always my grandparents’ house, which was clean and had semi-healthy food and the door was always open. my grandpa was a high school chemistry teacher. my grandma worked at a bank. growing up, i had no idea what she did at the bank, just that it sponsored all the fun things we did, like going to amusement parks and baseball games. my parents never took my sister and i on vacation, but every year, my grandma would drive us to visit our family in missouri, which, even though it only cost the gas to get there, seemed like a wild indulgence to me.

i started working at 16 so i could have my own money. by 17 i was working illegally full-time and getting paid under the table. then i bought my own car, and shortly after i turned 18 i got my own apartment. even though i could pay my bills, i was still terrified about money. i thought about it all the time. i checked my bank account multiple times a day. i was a cashier at a restaurant and i would often open my drawer and just stare at the money or count it when i was bored.

but i hated working at the restaurant, and one day i thought to myself, how can i keep the money part of this job but lose the food part? then i remembered my grandma’s career at the bank (from which by then she’d retired), and that afternoon i sat down and applied to be a teller at the very same bank. obviously the bank was very large and it wasn’t like my grandma was in management. she worked in ATM operations. nobody on my hiring committee knew who she was, and honestly i have no idea how i got the job.

i stayed a teller through college, working 25ish hours a week. it didn’t pay very well and i was still nervous about money, so i picked up a job altering bridal gowns on evenings and weekends, and also an admin job at my university. so i was working 60ish hours a week, plus going to school full-time and trying to keep up my 4.0. in retrospect, i can’t remember how necessary all this was. i know i was living in an apartment whose rent was higher than i could afford, and i lived with my boyfriend who was struggling to find a job. anyway, it was definitely the lowest time of my life, and i was so exhausted that every day i hoped something horrible would happen to me so i could be hospitalized and rest. 

then something horrible did happen. my dad died. and even though everyone in my life was telling me to please dear god take a break, i did not. 

i got promoted to business finance, which paid what seemed at the time to be an ungodly amount of money. i was still part-time and finishing up my undergrad degree. once i graduated, i got promoted to full-time. for the first couple years, i really did try to be a banker. i was good at my job only insofar as someone who is left-handed can write with their right hand if forced for long enough. it felt very much like i was in the wrong place, but by that point i had so much unchecked trauma that i had convinced myself the highest human ideal was misery and deprivation. i wish i was kidding. i was the definition of ascetic and martyred myself. i didn’t believe happiness existed. work was all that mattered to me.

then i bought a house. so at this point, i had student loans, a car loan, a mortgage, and credit card debt. after my dad’s death, my mom had to file for bankruptcy because of all the medical bills. she abandoned her house. by this point i was 23, single, in six figures of debt with no familial support net, but i was making decent money at the bank, so it wasn’t like i was drowning. in fact i was doing pretty well. the bank was a rock in my very turbulent life. i got a lot of vacation time that allowed me to travel a bit. i had insurance and a matching 401(k). it was really a decent job.

but the bank was also in many ways an abusive relationship. i don’t mean that metaphorically. i had bosses who manipulated me, insulted me, humiliated me in front of other people. i had one boss who went so far as to look at my checking account and ridicule my purchases. i didn’t have any idea what it meant to stand up for myself or say no. in fact i wasn’t allowed to say no. my job at the bank involved solving other people’s problems. i could never say “i can’t solve that problem.” i could only say “i’ll figure it out.”

i had convinced myself working at the bank was a stable career because it was boring and i hated it. but actually it wasn’t stable at all. after 2008, there were mass layoffs and restructures every year while the bank tried to recover from the recession. i worked for a sales team, and so my job was dependent entirely on whether or not the salespeople did their jobs well. if they didn’t make goal, they’d get fired. if they got fired, i’d get fired. 

i started trying to date again and was sexually assaulted. after that i really struggled at work because i was dissociating a lot and couldn’t focus. my team, despite my having worked there for years, instead of being concerned for me decided to start complaining about me to my boss. finally i had to tell a coworker what happened and that i wasn’t doing very well. my team started being a little nicer to me but ultimately they didn’t care about me, they cared about how effective i was at my job. my boss didn’t want to fire me, so instead i was pushed onto another team.

that move came with a raise. then that team was dismantled and i was pushed onto another team. that was a demotion, but i got to keep my raise from the previous move. by then, i was working from home, and even though i was more comfortable i was also very isolated and miserable. my “fulfillment through deprivation” attitude was destroying me. i wasn’t eating well or taking care of myself. i was isolated and lonely. i still didn’t believe happiness was real and i constantly thought about killing myself. 

but i had started writing fanfiction, and even though i didn’t think i was any good at it, i was beginning to see a way out. i was beginning to learn how to dream, and want things, and give myself the things i wanted. i just couldn’t imagine leaving the bank, or selling my house, or moving out of my hometown. all of that seemed impossible to me.

then i had to go to a business conference where my team had a retirement party for one of my coworkers. she’d done what i was doing for 45 years. by that point i was at the 9 year mark. i’d spent my entire adult life at the bank. and i realized: the bank benefited from my fear and passivity, and nothing in my life was going to change unless i was willing to make sacrifices. 

but i still wasn’t entirely convinced. and then came the day i had to physically hold onto my desk to keep me from killing myself. i didn’t end up trying it, because i had another realization: this was a life or death situation now. if i kept working at the bank, i knew i would die. i knew eventually i would get low enough to do it. i didn’t actually want to die; i wanted an escape and didn’t know what else to do. suddenly i was off the hook. my options were not “financial stability or imminent poverty” but “live or die.” 

those were the big epiphanies i had, but the process of actually leaving the bank was a slow one. i wrote a bit about it here. i got into an MFA program basically by telling myself repeatedly i would figure out the money stuff later. when it came time to quit the bank, my boss convinced me to stay on working part-time, with the assumption i would move back to full-time once i’d graduated. i agreed to it, because just trying to quit was enough to convince me i could, and that better things were ahead of me. for a year and a half, i stayed on working two days a week while doing my MFA, which involved both coursework and teaching, and it felt a bit like it did during undergrad, having too many jobs and no time to breathe or think or feel anything.

between my first and second year, i had a looooong overdue mental breakdown. there were a lot of causes, but one of them was spreading myself too thin. shortly after, i quit for good. by then it didn’t feel like a big deal at all, i was so far removed from the work and my team and so focused on my degree. one day i turned on my work laptop and the next day i didn’t. i shipped it back to HQ and it was over.

then i graduated from the MFA and suddenly had to face the consequences of this life i’d chosen. my school kept me on as an adjunct, but it felt like being a ghost. i no longer had the community of my cohort. i had no health insurance. i was given my teaching schedule and a contract to sign, that’s it. there was no guarantee i would be getting classes the following semester, and after a year, that was what happened. i remember sitting in my favorite coffee shop trying not to cry when i got the email that said the department had nothing for me to teach the following semester.

i really wasn’t the same after the breakdown. i went from “i can do anything i put my mind to no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts” to “i have to step carefully, and treat myself gently.” i hadn’t fully realized that yet, though, so i tried to get a Real Job. i got the first and only job i applied to, because i am bad at nearly everything but somehow i’m exceptional in interviews. it wasn’t a bank but it offered the same sort of benefits package. it was a full-time salaried position at a non-profit. if i had found it earlier, i think it would have been my dream job. it was the kind of work you throw yourself into because you care so much about doing good. 

i lasted a month. during the first week something happened that triggered me in a way i’m very rarely triggered. i realized i needed disability accommodations, but i needed to go to a doctor to get an assessment and i had to be on the team 60 days in order to get insurance. i thought i could white-knuckle it, and i could, sort of, but every minute i was at work, it felt like i was forced away from the thing i should have been doing. i was constantly trying to write a few paragraphs here and there on my phone when no one was looking. i had to find excuses to take breaks and go to my car and breathe. at one point i told a volunteer i was an english instructor, and she looked at me very confused, and i realized i’d said it in present tense, like it was part of who i was and not a job i did for a while. then finally, my breaking point was an after-hours function. when i left i saw a field full of fireflies and thought about how, if i’d just stayed home, i could have sat outside and enjoyed them all evening, not just a glance at them on the way to my car. i liked the job but it was making me miss all the things i’d learned to love about being alive.

i quit the next day. i’d sold my house by then (which was its own feat) and moved in with my grandma, which hadn’t been a possibility until my grandpa passed away the previous spring. i paid off my car. i figured out finally that i would probably never be able to work full-time again unless it was teaching, and that the downside to this life would be accepting fear and instability, only being able to look ahead one semester at a time. staying open to the opportunities that arise. being a little selfish. 

i wrote a bit more about the financial realities of the writing life here. i can’t tell you what you should do, because the path i took definitely isn’t the path for everyone, but i do believe we all owe it to ourselves to pursue our best and happiest lives, because we only get one, and there’s no reason not to live it the way you want to. 

[volvolts]

trying again. im gonna talk about my ocs. its pretty long and kinda incoherent idk

first start with robin

idk how to make the picture smaller so im sorry

- her name is robin wright and she’s 17

BACKSTORY

- her mom is a cyberneticist and her dad is a neurosurgeon. they do research on cyborg’s disease and have a company that makes prosthetics. they’re really rich because if it

- robin also had a twin brother named ronan (she’s the younger twin btw). he died when they were 15 because he had a rare case of cyborg’s disease in the brain. his death was so traumatizing for her that she doesn’t remember the months surrounding his death. she doesn’t even remember the funeral

- after ronan’s death, robin’s parents put her into isolation for two years. they pulled her out of her classes and activities and she barely got human interactions during this time

- eventually she had enough and begged to be allowed out which they do--as long as she has a bodyguard with her at all times. the problem? robin had a hard time getting along with most of them. in fact, ryuji is kind of a last resort. if she doesn’t get on well with him, she’ll most likely be isolated until further notice

random facts

- she’s really smart, a natural genius you could say. she was on her third year in college before she was pulled from it (she’s studying to be a neurosurgeon like her father). she’s one of those organized highlighter/color coded note takers too

- robin is a very compassionate person and is compelled to help others as much as she can. 

- stubborn and determined, she’ll pursue nearly everything and won’t back down until she has answers. sometimes she doesn’t know when to stop and accidentally oversteps her boundaries. it’s not because she’s needlessly nosy but because she wants to know the whole story before she can help them

- she has a overactive imagination and would end up thinking up outlandish ideas to fill in the blanks of things she doesn’t know

- robin is one of those people who’s polite and reserved if she doesn’t know you but will talk your ear off when she’s comfortable with you

- she closer with her father, which is why she’s studying the same subject that he works in

- both of her parents are incredibly successful and she’s expected to do something similar so she has a lot on her shoulders

- she hasn’t worked a day in her life but she has unusually strong endurance and stamina

- she has a dog! he’s a golden retriever and his name is beck. he’s an old dog and she loves him very much 

next is ryuji

- his name is ryuji lor and he’s 22

- he also goes by “ryder” (technically he’s supposed to go by that throughout most of my half-baked story because he never told anyone is real name but that’s beside the point)

- he’s a quarter japanese and three quarters se asian (not really sure what kind yet but im thinking somewhere within the vietnam/laos area)

BACKSTORY 

- a bit of TW: FAMILY ABUSE in this passage so skip if it bothers you:  his mom got pregnant with him while she was in college and because her boyfriend bailed on her and stress of the pregnancy and burnout she dropped out and went back to her family. she was seen as “the good one” of the family and was expected to get a good job to get her family out of poverty however when she came back they were incredibly bitter that she “failed” and would verbally and emotionally put her down. They also blamed ryuji because if he wasn’t born then she wouldn’t have dropped out and he was often ostracized because of it. 

- fortunately he and his mom left when he turned 5. they lived in a small apartment and had to get lots of help from neighbors and friends to make ends meet (mostly to babysit ryuji while his mom worked). ryuji vowed to get smart and get a good job to give his mother the life she deserves (and partly because he feels a part of her really does hate him and he wants to make it up to her somehow because if he doesn’t, was he just a parasite like what his aunts and uncles said?)

- when he turned 10, his mom got married and how he has two moms. they’re hard on him but it’s from a place of love so he tries his best to be a good son by studying and staying out of trouble

- at 17, ryuji has a bit of hope ahead of him. he has a part time job, good grades, and maybe a scholarship if he could qualify. suddenly he’s diagnosed with cyborg’s disease in his eyes and arm. they can’t afford either of his surgeries, let alone one. and that’s not going into the prosthetics and rehab afterwards. at night when they think he’s asleep, ryuji hears his moms arguing about how they’ll be able to afford any of it and what they’ll have to do to pay for it. 

- he can’t take it anymore. he runs away

- he ends up in a city he doesn’t recognize and is just allowing himself to die but he gets saved by irving, a back alley repair doctor. he gets prosthetics thanks to her but is now in a massive debt so he works as her assistant and also finds other jobs on the side to repay it

- his backstory is getting really long so things happen in ryuji’s attempt to make money and he ends up also working with ace, who leads an organized crime group, as a handler whose job is to fight/intimidate/kill whoever. 

- a sudden coincidence also ends up working as robin’s bodyguard which starts everything. honestly he’s didn’t want to do this job at first but robin’s parents are willing to pay a good amount of money and it allows him to have time away from his jobs with ace

random facts

- he’s left hand but learned to be ambidextrous, however he’ll usually default to his left hand

- he wore glasses when he was younger (near sighted; it was super bad but he didn’t like it)

- he’s afraid of dogs. it’s not a full on phobia but they make him uneasy because of a childhood thing. (he’s more of a cat person and maybe pets a few stray cats that come across his house every once in a while)

- he doesn’t like people staring at him. he feels self-conscious because of the scar on his face and the shadowed bags under his eyes and people staring at him don’t help

- ryuji is really good with prosthetics repair and can go into in-depth discussions about the mechanics of it all; he actually really enjoys working on it and actually helped design his own arm

- he’s really smart but he had to work really hard to get there and because he never finished his education, he doesn’t really think he is either

- ryuji tries to give off a “i don’t care about anyone” bravado to try and distance himself from everything. but he really cares. like a lot. the few people he has in his life right now, he’s ride or die for them

- ryuji works himself to death to ignore his problems. he’s afraid if he stops moving, he’ll buckle under the pressure and stop forever

- he has a knife hidden in his prosthetic forearm which he will use if he feels threatened. (it’s probably a stiletto knife or something idk yet)

- ryuji is an early riser; waking up at 9 am feels like sleeping in to him. he’s not even that much of a morning person, its mostly out of habit

then there’s castor

- his name is castor oda and he’s 24

- he’s japanese

BACKSTORY

- he lived in a really strict and controlling family who owned a business where he had his entire life planned out for him up to who he was going to marry. he’s always been angry about it because he has older siblings who will take over the company and it’s clear that more of a control and image thing than anything else

- when he went to college, it was his first time actually be away from his family and became friends with a guy named ben. 

- ben helped castor when his family kicked him out at 19 and gave him a place to stay until he could get back on his feet

- castor loved ben like a brother and is forever grateful for him

- ben mysteriously disappeared when they were 21 and everyone is pretty sure he’s dead but no one knows why

- castor wants to find closure on what happened because he’s definitely sure there’s something shady going on and he’s going to find out what.

- he’s an information broker, occasionally crossing paths with ace to relay and gather info but for the most part, castor has been working alone

- when he’s not doing that though, he works as a barista at a coffee shop

random facts

- he has cyborg’s disease in his right arm and when he lived with his family, he was deeply self-conscious about it

- he hasn’t spoken to his parents since they kicked him out but he still talks to his siblings sometimes; he’s the youngest child with two older sisters

- he always had an inkling that ben had romantic feelings for him, which was unrequited, and castor always felt a little guilty that he never reciprocated or that they never got to talk about it

- castor always wears his red scarf no matter the occasion or weather; he has more scarves but he just likes the red one the best

- people think he’s like calm and collected but in reality he’s an impulsive, emotional driven idiot just like the rest of us

- however he is the master of the polite business smile because of his strict upbringing

- he’s a rather disorganized person

next is irving

- her name is ellie irving and she’s 35

- she’s half black, half white

BACKSTORY 

- i don’t have that much solidified for her backstory yet so it might change fyi

- irving had been doing cybernetic research back in college but someone plagiarized her work and submitted their paper before she came forward

- because the paper was published before she published hers, SHE was initially hit with backlash of plagiarism

- eventually they try to sort it out but in the end, while she proved she didn’t plagiarize the other, she couldn’t prove that she came up with the research first and they just terminated the both her and the plagiarist

- she was barred from going into higher cybernetics research and honestly she’s still a bit bitter about it

- she went into prosthetics repair instead but still struggled to find work because of her alleged reputation, which many still believed she stole another’s work

- eventually she manages to open up a shop that specializes in prosthetic repairs and replacements

random facts

- she’s really harsh and aloof, however she cares in her own way

- honestly irving doesn’t believe herself to be a good person due to how she feels she let herself to bitterly sulk in her anger for so long

- she smokes a bit but she’s trying to cut back lately

- irving won’t pry if you come to her with a broken arm and you need help; she’ll fix you up and leave it at that and allow you to come to her yourself

- she’s incredibly observant and can tell if your lying with just a glance

- she doesn’t know that ryuji works for ace; she’s concerned when he seems more tired than usual but she doesn’t know how to pry

last one cuz im tired

his name is ace (i don’t have a last name for him) and he’s 32

- he owns an organized crime ring; im thinking he’s connected to something bigger and possibly something with the black market

- not much is known about him but he’s a charismatic man and has the intimidation factor 

- he flips his demeanor a lot. one minute he’s jovial and kind then the next he’ll give you thinly veil threats. he mostly does it to keep people on their toes so it’s a power thing

- begrudgingly he’s the closest thing to a father figure ryuji is gonna get

- also the jacket ryuji always wears? it’s a gift from ace

and that’s all i got so far! i have a lot more ocs but i don’t have have a lot of backstory for them yet. let me know what you think of these guys and feel free to ask questions!

[bitchiha]

A/N: I accidentally posted the request before I finished LOL. So I don’t know much about Tsundere relationships, but I did some reading on it just before I started writing and I hope I did the request some justice! Also I’m literally Kankuros bitch <3

Ps, I’m sorry I didn’t put a keep reading thingy idk how to do it on mobile and my trash laptop is broken 😭😭

Also I didnt include tobirama bc I absolutely hated how his turned out and I had to delete it im sorry 😖

✎ Tsundere relationship! (Hidan, Kank, Naruto)

Kankurō

Ahh, where to start? I think you’ll meet on a mission co partnered with the Leaf...

You and Shikamaru are sent to assist the Sand on a mission. Now, we already know Kankurō is a bit of a sassy mf when it comes to the Leaf like I think he whole heartedly believes the Sand is superior and you also have those feelings about your own village... So there’s an instant dislike for one another. Kinda like an instant rivalry.

Literally the first thing you say to him is “So, the Sand can’t take care of their own missions?” And that sets Kankurō off, “What, how dare you- ack! Temari, that hurt! I’m not gonna let her walk all over us like that, I’ll fight you right now you Leaf Village bi- ow! Temari!” Shikamaru has to hold you back LMFAOO you’re ready to throw hands “Huh, what’s that? Sounds like you’re really determined for me to kick your ass?” He lowkey liked when you said that to him lol.

Anyways, the two of you are bickering the whole entire way to the missions destination. You’ll tease eachother about anything and everything you can. So, once you find out about his puppet master jutsu its only natural that you fall on the floor with laughter. Like full on tears and strangled breathing. Now this is something you can really tease him about.

“What! You still play with dolls? I bet you have little sleep over parties with them and do their hair-“

You’re cut off because he tries to trap you in the Ant. Temari has to strangle him and force him to let you out. You’re lucky he didn’t iron maiden your ass LMFAOO.

This is the kind of the energy you guys carry whenever you see eachother from now on. He’ll see you more often too because you carry out a lot of Leaf and Sand allied missions and duties. Rip to anyone who gets put on a mission with you two tbh.

But on one particularly hard mission it ends up down to the two of you fighting off like 10 enemies. He’s trying to focus on fighting them, but he can’t stop thinking about if you’re okay. His distractedness earns him a particularly hard blow.

You end up having to fight off the remaining enemies yourself, all the while protecting him. The last thing he remembers is you screaming his name when he gets hit and the fear that was in your eyes at seeming him like that. It slowly turns to anger and then you kick the bad guys asses. He’s like half conscious but is laying there like: whatta bad bitch. Then he passes out.

Starts to really admire you after that and his comments aren’t as snarky when he sees you next. It’s more like little jabs and teases because that’s how he shows his affection, but they were no longer the hardcore roasts he’d dish out before. You probably stop flaming his ass too because let’s be real here; you’ve both obviously been attracted to each other from the start you just didn’t want to admit it.

Like cmon, he didn’t wait for you at the gates every single time he knew you were visiting just to insult you first. No. He came there to see your cute ass first!!Same goes for you, like you didn’t take all the missions to the Sand for nothing. You came there to see your fav hot headed puppet master.

He’ll ask you out a few months later, when you end up at the Sand again. Probably takes you to dinner before going back to his place. I 100% see him showing you his puppets and this time you’ll actually show your interest and not just tease him lol. Probably ends up making out with you on his workbench. Ok that’s all.

Naruto

You meet eachother for the first time at Ichirakus. Second to Naruto, you actually bring in the most cash for the place. So it’s surprising you two had never met each other before.

Until now of course. He’s just gotten back from a long mission and he’s dying for some ramen. He strolls right in and orders a miso pork ramen, but the old man tells him there’s no more pork left.

Probably flips his shit like who tf ate it all?? Then the old man points at you. You’re sitting there chowing down you’re literal 15th bowl, the giant stack of empty bowls next to you proving it. You watch the blondie charge right at you while you eat the last miso pork bowl of ramen for the day.

You put the bowl down and wipe your face just as he stops right infront of you, very close to your face. You can see the anger in his eyes, but you are not giving up. Also, the guy looks sorta comical so you basically laugh in his face which gets him more worked up.

“What are you laughing about? You just ate all of old mans pork for the day!! That last bowl is mine, believe it!” Once again you laugh in his face because you just can’t help yourself. Probably end up fist fighting eachother on the spot. Neither of you win because one of you ends up smashing into the bowl, sending it flying right at the old man. He kicks you both out, right after you pay your tab of course.

This arises a competition of who will eat all the miso pork ramen first, it goes on for a good few months. Ichirakus is swimming in your money now. Until one day, when you two arrive at Ichirakus at the same time. You basically have a show down. Unfortunately both your wallets are cleaned out and you can’t even pay off your bills anymore so you’re now indebted to the ramen place.

Narutos mission money won’t even cut it anymore and you can’t pay your debt off either. So you both have to get a job doing Ichirakus dishes until you can pay your debt off.

At first you two wanna strangle each other everytime youre in each others line of sight. But slowly — veryyyy slowly, you start to bond over your love for ramen. Like you can probably sniff the bowls before you clean them and tell instantly what ramen was eaten out of it.

You discover you both have the same favourite instant ramen, the same favourite Ichirakus order, etc... Then before you know it you actually start dating. Nobody knows how it happened because you were rivals for a good couple of months, but now all the sudden your holding hands while and eating ramen together peacefully. Mind blown.

Hidan

You’re a brand new Akatsuki member and you’re cute. Really cute. Not only was Deidara drooling over you too, Kakuzu just asked to file your taxes. Do you even do taxes? You’re a rouge ninja. Anyways, Hidan is so sure that Jashin would love to have you.

You two start taking to eachother and actually getting along pretty well, until he mentions Jashin. You shut him down so quickly after that. Like you’re not interested in his fake God, no matter how cute he is.

From then on he tries to ignore you or is just super petty towards you all the time. Like you just got back from a failed mission with your Akatsuki partner and he’s at the hideout mocking you like “if you prayed to Jashin with me this wouldn’t have happened.”

Literally so fucking petty.

Anytime you suggest an idea to the Akatsuki he immediately tears it down. It doesn’t really matter when he does though because nobody really listens to Hidan anyways, it’s just annoying.

You two get put on a mission together one day because Kakuzu has some important money buisness to take care of. Hidans so pissy about it, “oh come on! Out of everybody you picked y/n? She doesn’t even respect my religion, how are we supposed to work together!?” Kakuzu just looks at him and is like “Hidan, I don’t care about Jashin either.”

Butthurt the whole journey. If you guys get bombarded or run into trouble he probably doesn’t even bother backing you up. If anything he tries to feed you to them LMFAOOO. Such a jerk.

Then, once he thinks that all the bad guys are gone he turns to you all confidently because you got your ass whooped and he’s like “see, I bet if you prayed to Jashin you wouldn’t be injured this bad-“

An enemy just stabbed him right through the chest and he watches the look of shock on your face. That’s when he gets an idea. He falls on the floor super fucking dramatically and you have to take the last guy down for him.

Then you kneel next to him and cradle his body because yes he was such a petty bitch but he actually started to grow on you. So you cry and in this distressed moment you probably even attempted to pray to Jashin because you’re desperate as fuck.

This bitch really makes his eyes flutter open and is like; “y/n?” Really fucking plays off that he was unconscious, “Jashin... Jashin saved me.”

Your ass just got clowned but I mean you believe it because like he just got stabbed right through the heart. Even immortal people should die if they were stabbed in the heart, right? It seemed like it was the case.

So yah he basically just emotionally manipulated you into being semi interested in his religion.

Then he stops being petty with you and probably asks you to sleep with him as an offering to Jashin. “It’s only fitting! He just saved my life afterall.”

Literal definition of a sleeze bag <3

[solohux]

So after staying away from A/B/O for a long time (idk why i just figured it wasn't for me) someone got me into it and tbh I kinda need more now? 😅 So anyways, do you happen to have some good omegaverse kylux recommendations? Thank you in advance!

Of course! Luckily, the Kylux fandom is truly blessed with some amazing ABO writers so I’ve put this list under a Read More because it’s a bit long! ❤️

Enjoy! （　´∀｀）☆

◾ Unexpected Avenues by @sinceyouaskedmeforataleof​ (WIP)

No one wanted to take this particularly grisly task, but Dopheld is glad it fell to him when he realises that all is not as it seems. Can he make a new life on the run with his ex, now that everything he thought he knew has been turned upside down?

◾ Safety In His Arms by @redcole​

Kylo knows it's time to bond with Hux, he just wants to make sure that his intentions are clear. After all, it isn't often that an omega courts an alpha.

◾ Heat Sink by @sparrows-trashcan​

Kylo Ren is an omega but so is General Hux. While Hux doesn't mind everyone knowing that his preference is limited to male omegas Kylo Ren is shamed to feel the same. Everything changes after the Starkiller incident: Kylo Ren is in heat and there is only one person on the Finalizer who could possibly help him...

◾ Lighting The Fuse by hey_honey

"What is going on?" Phasma asked when Hux returned from his meeting with Leia looking pale. He stared at her."The Queen's son agreed to marry a First Order official on one condition," he said."And?" Phasma encouraged."That official has to be me," he said.

Alternatively, in which a political alliance is made between mere Lieutenant Hux and Ben Organa, soon to be queen of Naboo. Leia is about to get more grey hairs. And Snoke is an asshole.

◾ High Risk, High Reward by Alexandra_Savile (WIP)

My take on the entirely unoriginal premise of demanding and possessive Alpha!Hux attempts to court a confused and skeptical Omega!Kylo.Feelings are caught, supreme leaders killed, and heats satiated. Story begins a little before TFA.

◾ What We Did For Love by Lady_Faulkner

They were both born wrong but that’s what made them perfect for each other. Hux is a slim Alpha and Kylo is a bulky Omega. Neither thought they would ever find a mate, but after the destruction of Starkiller, Kylo goes into heat and Hux finds he can’t resist him.

◾ Falling Stars by @huxative​ WIP

Armitage Hux is the omega son and ever present shame of Lord Brendol, overseer of the Arkanis region. That was, until King Snoke arranged a marriage between his adopted son and Armitage.

◾ Hadopelagic by DustOnBothSides After a life of staying pharmaceutically heat-free, Hux has to allow his body to go through at least one natural cycle, lest there be consequences. He takes a shore leave and travels to a former omegan retreat, abandoned and all but forgotten after the fall of Old Republic. Ren, not knowing of Hux’s predicament, decides to follow, suspecting treason. He finds something else instead.

◾ Bodies, Can’t You See? by sual When Hux sees the positive result on the pregnancy test scanner, he comes to several alarming realizations all at once. One: that his birth control has been tampered with. Two: that the baby is Kylo’s. Three: that this is his true punishment for Starkiller’s failure. And quietly, in a weak, tiny voice in the back of his mind, the unsettling conclusion that he wants to keep it. He’ll die before he lets anyone near his child. He’ll tear apart anyone that tries to get in his way. Even Kylo.

◾ The Emperor’s New Consort by @redcoleThe First Order is in control of the Galaxy, in a last ditch effort to save those who are left, they request negotiations. Only to find that for the Resistance to survive they only need to give up one thing small thing -  the angry Senator Ben Organa.

◾ Babe, I’m Here Again by @sinceyouaskedmeforataleof It’s 2008 and graduate student Armitage Hux has no idea why hes still hanging out with that nerd of a second year Ben Solo. Surely he had better things to do that sit around planning Dungeons & Dragons adventures with this not-at-all-attractive Alpha who he definitely doesn’t think about constantly.

◾ Flame by bastila_s

On their way to an important meeting with Snoke, Hux and Kylo become trapped when the elevator breaks down. To make it worse, Kylo goes into heat.

◾ Shades Undimmed by @longstoryshortikilledhim  Hux is a bounty hunter who teams up with renegade Jedi Kylo Ren for a hunt. They’re determined not to let their biological needs intervene with the integrity of their mission. They fail.

◾ Fields of Gold by @ mssdare Ren and Hux crash on a planet full of strange flowers. Soon, Hux starts feeling the effects of the pollen.

◾ Unexpected by @gonna-pop (WIP)After twenty years together, Ben and Armitage have gotten comfortable. There are no surprises left in their marriage, and nothing new to learn about each other. That is, until Armitage unexpectedly goes into heat while they’re vacationing on a resort world — and a few days of renewed passion changes the course of their lives.

◾ no hope, no quarter by @thethespacecoyote  Stolen away to a temple on Moraband, Kylo Ren finds himself at the mercy of an obsessive, sinister captor. Only one person can hope to save him, and would even dare put their life on the line against such insurmountable odds—Armitage Hux, his general and lifelong mate.

◾ To Build A Home by @reluctantly-awesome  Ren is truly a hopeless alpha and Hux helps him reluctantly and not because he wants a home himself, not at all.

◾ In Your Debt by @pangolinpirate  Things work a little different in the Order then they do in the Resistance

◾ need you baby (more, more, more) by @thesunandoceanblue “Ren?” “Yes?” Hux traced his finger down Ren’s jawline. “You’d do anything for me, right?”

◾ Alpha You Are Knot by @darktenshi17 Alpha Kylo Ren has finally found his perfect mate, now they can begin a family together. There’s only one problem; that’s not how human reproduction works at all.

◾ Amnesia by @bubbaknowlton  Hux wakes up on an unknown ship, seven months pregnant with a baby crying in a crib. The last thing he remembers is leaving Kylo Ren at Snoke’s citadel. Not knowing what alpha has bred him, nor the fate of the First Order, he takes the baby, some supplies, and runs.

◾ Checkmate by @thez1337  Alpha Kylo Ren strikes down Omega General Hux’s alpha. Then he takes his place. With omega Hux’s pup in tow, will Kylo keep them or make new rules for the den?

◾ Stress Relief by orphan_account Kylo helps his omega settle after a nightmare.        

◾ I’ll Even Call You General by @asexualavenger  Without a mate, Kylo turns destructive during his heat. Snoke tasks Hux with finding him a partner.

◾ Not a Mistake by @redcole  Hux was just looking for a good time when he met the strange man named Ben, but he ended up finding a lot more.

◾ It Feels Right by @deluxekyluxtrashcan After the destruction of Starkiller Base Kylo finds out that Hux is an omega, and tries to help him by finding suppressants to replace the ones Hux lost. It turns out that there are three others omegas on board the Finalizer, and, much to a somewhat jealous Hux’s displeasure, Kylo ends up getting better acquainted with one of them - Petty Officer Thanisson - just a day before Hux goes into heat.

◾ If You Can’t Be with the One You Hate by @tethysian  At Snoke’s request Hux has always helped Kylo through his heats, albeit reluctantly. Then Kylo happens to go into heat while a prisoner aboard a resistance ship. Poe is the lucky(?) alpha chosen to take care of him, and Kylo discovers he might prefer an enthusiastic partner. Hux discovers something else about himself.

◾ time whets the fang by @thethespacecoyote  As an alpha, Supreme Leader Snoke believes he has free reign to do whatever he wishes with the omegas beneath him, including his apprentice and top general. He may wind up regretting his arrogance.

[onstarsandiron]

Band AU Outline

Because where else am I going to put this?

[Lol I made it long, it’s under the readmore]

Scene 1 is Jax is trying to get coffee for his shitty boss and this asshole bumps into him, spills it all over him, and has the goddamn nerve to not stick around. Jax doesn’t know how he feels about the $50 bill casually thrown at him before Asshole runs off

Scene 2 is Robb arriving late to after school rehearsal and smelling faintly like coffee and his stupid brother is there and sneers at him because Eric is sooooo perfect and Eric gets to be the one that plays the violin, the instrument that everyone likes, and Robb is here playing the bass. Well fuck you, Eric, because Robb’s a damn good bass player and he actually likes how it sounds, thank you very much. If he’d gotten stuck with the viola he would have killed himself; he’d literally be second fiddle to Eric.

Scene 3 is Jax on his lunch break talking to Ana about their bassist or something I think? 

Scene 4 is Robb secretly practicing his electric bass in a quiet part of the mansion, like he always does, playing along with youtube videos and learning whatever he feels like

Scene 5 is Jax arriving at the venue and finally feeling the stress of the day wash off a little

Scene 6 is Robb arriving at the venue; he’s got a genuine ticket, but he brought his electric bass to try and say he’s part of the opening act or something and get backstage to try and get an autograph (maybe got dared to get one?) This goes, of course, wrong when the stage runner insists on personally seeing him to the correct dressing room saying they’ve been looking for their goddamn bassist all over the place, where the fuck have you been? and just shoves him in 

Queue: “YOU!” “Me?” Robb studied the other’s face, looking for where he’d know those features from. Suddenly it came to him. Oh. Oh no. Coffee boy. “Oh no,” Rob said, unable to help it, “Me.” 

Robb fucking OWES Jax for that bullshit, he may have payed for replacement coffee, but you can’t pay for replacement dignity, and that was his FAVORITE sweater. What’s that instrument he has? A bass? Fucking good because Barger is a no-show and they’re on in 15. 

Ana’s drums, Di does keyboard and synth, Jax is lead (only) guitar and lead (only) singer -- Di cannot carry a note to save the galaxy and Ana gets too excited and just ends up screaming more than singing (you physically cannot stop her from doing this, mind you, so mostly Jax just doesn’t give her a mic. It helps only so very much. To be fair, it is Ana’s band, so she has a certain right to do whatever she wants) They are the Dossier [Idk if I wanna include Xu and Elara in here yet; if I do, Elara’s a techie and Xu is additional tech support + Social media manager/marketing/gig booking/etc]

Queue the gang tearing up Robb’s pretty boy outfit to get grungier bc if you believe Ana started some kinda new wave bullshit band full of crooners you’re goddamn wrong. They do loud hard rock and you can die made about it. Also Jax applies Robb’s eyeliner and Robb has never had a more intimate moment with an individual without actually touching one another in his life. 

Then there’s the show. Lucky for Robb they’re playing all covers and it’s stuff that he knows. unluckily for Robb, it’s completely different to playing quietly in his tucked away chamber to youtube videos. He makes do, though. 

He’s kind of mouthing along to the words he knows and then he’s singing them quietly and then he’s singing them outright and then Jax notices and somehow there’s now been a mic placed in front of him and he’s become backup vocals now and if he believed in fake things he’d think Jax was actually pleased about this. Wow, performing sure makes your heart beat hard.

Then they’re taking a bow and off the stage before he even knows it. He thinks now he’ll be shooed off, but actually they let him watch the actual concert with them and then there’s like an after party and they let him tag along and actually he has a really good time (He gets that autograph he wanted too lol)

Like a week later he gets a call from Ana -- Di had made him sign a goddamn liability waiver including personal and emergency contact info -- and turns out that Barger skipped town for reasons which are genuinely undisclosed but 99% probably because he has a gambling problem. They need a new bassist. He worked out well in a pinch, does he think he can make practices monday at 7? 

So that’s how Robb starts sneaking around to be in this band and play little gigs here and there and it isn’t the sort of places anyone from his circle would be involved in and it isn’t so big that he’s so very worried about an internet presence (he does “”Shyly”” hide behind his hand when Di tries to get pictures for their social media). Robb like tells his mom he’s doing some extracurricular thing and turns his phone off and pays off his chauffeur to say nothing

There’s probably some cute scenes or clips of outings or something. They go thrift shopping to get Robb some actual stage clothes, they hang out with Ana’s moms, they don’t talk about Jax’s parents ever and don’t mention that Jax pretty much lives with Ana or the rotating cast of personnel through the house, there’s heart-to-hearts, there’s laughs, there’s drama, there’s friendship blossoming, walls breaking, truly incredible stuff

Then comes the inevitable. The day of the Big School Concert is also the day of the big Battle of The Bands or something. It’s some sort of contest where they play some songs and then they play one they were like assigned and they were assigned Space Oddity and one thing is that the judges are really looking for those strings but Di’s synths just aren’t cutting it; they’re timing and intonation just aren’t right. So Robb is like “Okay, you can’t ask any questions, and I’m going to be like on the wire BUT I will be there and I will bring strings. You have to trust me.” 

And then it’s Robb’s concert, and bananas things happen and he gets out of there with the bass and we’re switching back and forth between everyone being antsy and worrying and Robb booking it with this big ass piece of shit on his back and he’s in the back of the car fucking up his $300 suit. Maybe there’s a run-in with Eric? I kinda really want him to show up a little worse for ware for Jax to fuss over. 

And Jax and Ana and Di are like Bass??? Suit???? Hair half slicked back??? Are those LOAFERS??? Is that a BLACK EYE?? [one of the judges later asks the same thing and Robb just replies “We are a grunge band, ma’am]  But there’s no time to fuss! Because he rolls up literally like two minutes from going on stage!

They rush out and they play their song and it’s magical and fucking gay and Di’s going fucking ham on the piano and the whole room is vibing. Then they play a couple more songs or something idk I don’t want to like ruin this emotional high but I do need to justify the electric base being there for the next bit which issss

Di and Ana shove Robb and Jax into the dressing room and they FINALLY make out. And it’s amazing and heavy and full of emotional and physical catharsis and it’s just exactly what everyone -- robb, jax, the reader -- needs. 

And then there’s a knock on the door. Followed by “Robbert, darling, are you in there?” 

And Robb’s blood goes cold. Because of course Eric told his mother. Of course he forgot to turn his phone off. Of course, just as he finally has the things he wants, what he’s been craving for all his life, here comes his mother reminding him of what he is supposed to be. 

“What’s wrong?” Jax asks, “Who’s that?” But Robb can’t bear to say a word. It’ll all become obvious in a minute anyway. All he can do is hope that the sadness on his face shows, for once he wants his stupid face to show his goddamn emotion to the one person, and that Jax will know that’s how he really feels and won’t take this next part too personally. 

His parting words are to hand his electric bass to Jax and say, “Here, can you keep this safe for me? Valerios aren’t supposed to play these sorts of things.” 

And before Jax can say anything Robb turns away and makes his face a mask and replies, “Yes, Mother.” 

The door opens and there stands his mother, graying hair pulled into an elegant bun, still in the dress from the recital. Eric stands there too with his sharp suit, looking as if their tussle had never happened and like he didn’t need to wash blood off his rings. There were also a couple of men in suits, some of his mother’s assistants. One entered unceremoniously and silently took the bass from the room. 

“My dearest, whatever are you here for? I believe we agreed to a dinner at your favorite restaurant for your recital tonight,” it was Eric’s favorite, Robb hated the place, “This event was not on my itinerary.” 

“I apologize for the delay, Mother,” Robb said, as if he’d made them wait five minutes instead of running off across town and surely ruining their evening, “I owed a debt, and as you know that cannot be outstanding.” 

The barest hint of anger flashed over her face; she absolutely hated when he threw Valerio Family Names items back at her. He must have been hanging around with Ana too much, because he found himself relishing in having made her mad. The flash was gone almost before it was there, though, and her face was cool once more. 

“And what, pray tell, did you owe to these... people,” his mother said, eyeing Jax in a way that made Robb so angry he could feel the white hot rage in the center of his chest. But he was a Valerio, and he knew better than to show it like Ana was allowed to. 

“Did you not catch the show, Mother?” Robb asked, protectively stepping between her gaze and Jax and praying that it didn’t show his cards too thoroughly, “They required some strings accompaniment. I lent them some. Our transaction is done, I have no more business here.” 

He had so much more business here. He had results to hear. An after party to go to. Pizza to eat. Jokes to laugh at. A boy to kiss. 

But now all that business is done for. Who wants to hear results for a song played by a liar? Who wants to go to an after party or eat pizza or tell jokes with a Valerio? Who would want to kiss him after seeing who he really is: a spineless wimp who is doomed to live and die by his mother’s whims. This whole arrangement was doomed from the start, and he always knew it. He was just too happy to let himself know that. 

His mother was clearly displeased with him, but what was new? “So I see,” She said at last, “Well then, come along, no need to tarry in this... venue.” 

“Of course, Mother,” Robb said. A cool nothingness washed over him. He knew his lines. He knew his place. This was who he was. 

Robb left the room, not sparing Jax a single look over his shoulder. He told himself it was because his mother would certainly notice, and she would, but really he couldn’t bear to see whatever expression Jax was wearing -- betrayal, shock, anger? It would only break his heart further. 

As he left the room he now saw that Di and Ana were looking on in shock. Apparently they hadn’t stepped too far away. “Hey!” Ana yelled, “What’s going on?” 

“Did you not hear the entire conversation about what’s ‘going on’?” Erik asked, and Robb wanted to punch him again. Apparently Ana wanted to too, because Di instinctively reached to hold her back just as she began forward. 

“And who is this, Robbert?” his mother asked, as if they were at the zoo and she was asking which animal was in this enclosure. It was so hard for Robb to see Ana riled up without getting riled up too. 

“The leader of the band, Mother,” Robb said, carefully not naming her. She was nondescript, hard to track down by description alone. Hopefully more trouble than his mother thought worth it. He never wanted any of this night to come back to hurt the band. 

“Well, as you’ve heard, his debt is payed, so he is leaving. Say goodbye, Robbert.” 

“Goodbye,” Robb said, feeling like a dog, “Thank you for the experience.” That was as close as he could get to what he wanted to say. Thank you for being his friend, for being there for him, for letting him be dumb and clumsy, for a thousand things Ana has done for him. Her and Di and Jax. And all he can say is, “Thank you for the experience.” He makes him sick. 

And like that he turns with his mother and brother, because he is nothing but their dog. A spare for if something goes wrong. An extra to be married off for a good business deal once he’s ripe. That’s all he is and all he will ever be. 

He can hear Ana yelling after them, struggling against Di’s hold. He can picture Di’s face as he struggles between holding Ana back for her own good and letting her go because he knows she’ll at least land a hit. He tries not to picture Jax at all. 

But don’t worry because I hate sad endings but idk exactly what I want to happen but basically a few hours pass and then either Siege or Ana is like “So, when are we going?” and Jax is like “? Going where?” “To break your boyfriend out.” and idk, but it works out in the end. 

[bytheangell]

Idk if you're still taking prompts but like what about Lorenzo telling Magnus how Alec begged him to help Magnus. How his boyfriend broke down crying to the High Warlock to help save him.

things we do for love(read on AO3)

Magnus reaches for the door handle instinctively, the already heavy pit in his stomach growing when he forces himself to retract it, reminding himself he has to knock now.

Distinctly aware of the sound of moving furniture inside, he waits nearly an entire minute before the sound of footsteps finally approach the door and it swings open.

“Why, Mr. Bane, what an unexpected surprise,” Lorenzo greets. “Do come in - pardon the mess, I’m in the midst of a little redecorating.”

The regret over coming here at all is immediate. The are portraits on the wall that aren’t his - not just Lorenzo’s portraits, but portraits of Lorenzo, hanging in a space that used to hold a piece gifted to him from Ragnor two centuries ago. A quick scan of the room shows almost all of his furniture and decorative pieces gone.

It’s like he never existed here at all, and Magnus feels sick to his stomach.

“Like what I’ve done with the place? It was in dire need of some sprucing up.”

Magnus hates it. It’s gaudy, tacky, and every last inch of it screams of someone trying much too hard to look impressive.

“It suits you,” Magnus manages, the most civil he can bring himself to be.

“If you came here to beg for it back, I’m sorry to say–” Lorenzo starts, but that’s as far as he gets before Magnus cuts him off, eager to keep his dignity about this aspect of his visit at the very least. “I’m not. I already told you - it’s just a place. And it’s yours now, a deal’s a deal.” The words feel hollow. They’re ones he repeated more than once since they made the agreement, words he says over and over again to Alec, to Cat, to Lorenzo, and most often to himself. Magnus hasn’t believed them a single time but it must sound convincing because Lorenzo nods.

“Then why are you here?” Lorenzo’s eyes narrow, immediately suspicious.

“What did you take from Alexander?” Magnus doesn’t bother to beat around the bush before asking.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re referring to.”

And, to Lorenzo’s credit, Magnus sees what appears to be genuine confusion register across his features. Not that he believes it, but it’s convincing.

“Oh, come off it. You didn’t come back to help me out of the kindness of your heart; you’d just as soon watch me die on that hospital bed. So, what did you ask him for in return?” Magnus’ hands are balled up at his sides to keep them from shaking, clenching and unclenching, useless. If he had magic Lorenzo would already be pinned to the nearest wall until he answers… then again, if he had magic they wouldn’t be here in the first place.

“I didn’t ask for anything-”

“You aren’t a goddamn Seelie, Rey,” Magnus snaps. “So quit talking circles around it. What did Alec offer you? What did you get out of helping me.” He’s mostly upset at himself, frustrated that he didn’t think to ask this before agreeing to the action back at the Institute. Alec denied trading anything for it and Magnus dropped it with him because he didn’t want a fight with his boyfriend, not now, not over this. But he’s not going to be so quick to let it go with Lorenzo.

“I might as well be, because I’m not lying about this. He didn’t come to make a trade - he came to make demands, and when that didn’t work-” Lorenzo smirks. “He was ever-so-quick to point out that you’re no longer a threat to me. So what did I have to lose in keeping you alive?” The smug look on Lorenzo’s face is infuriating, but he’s finally giving him the answer he wants and so Magnus contains the worst of the rage he feels flare up as Lorenzo continues.  “Let’s just say the two of you have more in common than I thought. The poor boy begged me to take it back, to undo the deal we made. He broke down and cried,” Lorenzo pauses, eyeing Magnus. “Right where you stand now. ”

Magnus looks down at his feet, picturing the room around him, imagining Alec standing across from Lorenzo just like this with tears in his eyes and pleading words on his tongue. His heart aches at the thought.

He despises everything about it, but it explains the way Alec avoided his gaze earlier when he asked about it, insisting nothing happened. It startled Magnus enough to see Alec beg him to take Lorenzo’s help, he can barely imagine Alec with all his stoic strength breaking down in front of Lorenzo Rey, of all people. He hates himself for putting Alec in that position. Up until this moment he could imagine Alec storming in all fire and rage, bow drawn. The stark contrast of the reality Lorenzo describes is almost too much for him to consider. 

“Sobbing over a dying, helpless warlock… what a peculiar Shadowhunter you found yourself.“ Magnus thinks he sees a momentary softening in Lorenzo’s expression, a flicker of sympathy, but it’s gone just as quickly. “It was all quite touching. I’m not heartless, contrary to popular belief. Plus, your boyfriend made it very clear he wasn’t going to stop until I agreed, and I’m a very busy man these days. I understand your concern, though - I’m certain he would’ve agreed to anything to save your life.”

“So why didn’t you ask for anything?” Magnus has to ask, because it doesn’t sit right with him. He of all people can appreciate the power of Alec’s sad, hurt expressions, but not when it comes from the man who took his entire life from him.

“…because sometimes having someone as powerful as the Head of the New York Institute owe you a favor is a better trade than any physical object.” Lorenzo says the words as simply as if he’s discussing the benefits of whole milk over fat free.

And there it is. Magnus has no way of telling if Lorenzo is lying to him - maybe he actually did come back because he felt guilty, and for no other reason. Maybe he was hoping for a moment like this where he could use Alec’s words to him against Magnus. Or maybe he wants to keep Alec’s debt to him in his back pocket for as long as possible, a trump card to pull in a desperate moment.

Whatever the reasoning, Magnus knows that Alec is telling him the truth. There was no trade. And instead of trusting him, all Magnus did was bring himself here to feel even worse about his current situation and the struggle he continues to put those foolish enough to love him through.  He was probably better off not knowing the specifics about Alec’s visit but there’s no taking it back now. He came here for answers and he got them.

“Are we done here, Bane?” Lorenzo prompts, and Magnus comes back to himself, remembering where he is and what he’s doing here as he shakes himself from the spiral of this thoughts.

“Yes,” he says, turning to leave this place for what he hopes is the final time. Magnus doesn’t look back.  “I have a dinner to get ready for.”

[notbecauseofvictories]

Now, your “Saw Gerrera has three terabytes of messages and back-and-forth arguments from Mon Mothma on the hard drive of his ship, how else is he supposed to explain that?)” post has started me thinking on saw x mon and idk what to make of it?? Help

She is already Mon Mothma when they meet, but he is not yet Saw Gerrera. Or at least, not Saw Gerrera as he will be, as he will become—a name invoked like a prayer by desperate peoples, a revolutionary. When they meet, he is only a man dressed in Imperial grey, sitting at her kitchen table and calmly cleaning his blaster. There are battered parts scattered across her clean table, and he doesn’t look up when she enters. Just goes on humming and polishing the cell-casing.

Mon wishes she could say she were surprised, but she’s not.

“You don’t look like Black Squad,” Mon says calmly, setting down her bag beside the door. “And they usually keep their blasters in one piece; they’re sticklers that way.”

“You took longer than I expected,” the man in grey answers cheerfully. He has a strange voice, raspy and deep; it sends unexpected shivers along her skin. “Had to do something to keep myself busy.”

Mon sighs, ignoring the way her pulse has started ticking at her throat. “I do apologize for the delay. The hover-rail was experiencing some technical difficulties, we stalled out at Dufar Station. Would you like tea?”

The man in grey looks up at that, and smiles. It would be a lie to say he has a kind face, but it is not cruel either. Mostly, Mon thinks, he looks tired. 

“Please, if it’s not an inconvenience.”

“Of course,” she says, crossing from the door to the stove. Her apartments on Chandrila are sparse and small—the same rooms she let as a poor university student, little more than a place to sleep and store her things. She has a much more impressive suite on Coruscant, fit for receiving important visitors and hosting gatherings of her fellow senators, but she supposes she will have to give that up. One does not condemn the Emperor before the whole of the Galactic Senate and continue to keep rooms in Coruscant’s most prestigious starscraper.

(Of course, if she is killed on Chandrila, in her familiar, worn-down apartment, it will not matter what happens on Coruscant.)

She takes out the thermaheater, filling it with water and setting it to boil. “I hope you do not mind Mandalorian Green, it’s the only kind I have.”

“Hm. That’s fine,” the man in grey says, though he sounds ambivalent about it. “Do you know why I’m here?”

“I imagine Sheev has dispatched you to kill me,” Mon offers dryly, leaning against the plasticine counter. “Even as a senator, he didn’t have much of an appetite for criticism. I can’t imagine power has taught him greater appreciation for it…”

The man in grey studies her, his head cocked, a faint smile playing on his lips. “I liked what you said, in your address to the Senate. ‘Revolutions are the only events which confront us directly and inevitably with the problem of beginning. Our moment demands revolution.’ That was very good, it made me think of the Naberrie Papers. Did you read them?”

Mon could feel her eyebrows rising toward her hairline. “I did,” she said faintly. “Though I am surprised a Black Squad soldier would be permitted. They were decidedly radical when they were published—some even called them Separatist.”

“I thought I did not look like Black Squad,” the man in grey laughs, a rasping, strange laugh—and he doesn’t, not like that. (He looks, she thinks, something approaching kind. Like a man.) Mon swallows.

“I’ve long known not to judge a man by his face,” she says. “Are you here to kill me?”

The man in grey sighs. “Not to disappoint, but I am here to save you, Senator Mon Mothma. If I’d known you’d be so wary, I would have brought my friends—they look even less the part of Black Squad than I do. Perhaps they might have convinced you.”

“You come to save me?” Mon laughs, startled by the admission. “Who are you, that you would challenge the Empire—”

“My name is Saw Gerrera,” Saw Gerrera says, his eyes blazing. He rises to his feet, and Mon startles away, suddenly away of how much taller he is, how he stands—like the stormtroopers and their Jedi commanders, the ones she’s questioned on the Senate floor. Like a soldier. “I am here to save you or turn you into a martyr, such that you cannot be whisked away to a secret base and forgotten.”

“Forgotten—”

“Yes. You know the Emperor of old, you know how he operates. So martyrdom or rescue, those are your only choices. So choose.”

She swallows. She’d known—she’d known since the moment she decided, when she’d dismissed her staff so that they might be spared the fallout, when she sat at her desk and began to write—she’d known that she would die. But it was her or Bail, and Bail had a wife, a daughter. Bail had people to live for. She had no one, just two apartments and a blinding fury that meant she could not even hear Sheev’s name any longer without wanting to bloody her nails.

So she had savaged him, with the full knowledge that she would pay for it with her life. (Bail had embraced her beforehand, held her tenderly and said, You do not have to do this, and Mon had replied, Yes. Yes I do.)

“How do I know…?” she asks Saw Gerrera breathlessly, meaning you are in earnest, meaning this is real, you are real. How she can trust this stranger, standing in her poorly-lit kitchen and looking at her like she is an answer to a violent and necessary question. She had expected an assassin, to find this instead is unfair. It is cruel, a personal affront.

He is too beautiful, not to be her death.

“We cannot know anything with certainty in this life, Choose.”

A half-hour later, Mon is holding a hastily-packed satchel and walking up the gangway to Saw Gerrera’s ship. The crew are a motley bunch—some xenos, a dirty bunch of humans, too many scars and tattoos between them and all of them surveying her warily. “You were right,” Mon says absently. Her knuckles are white where she clutches the satchel. “I would have trusted you more if you came with your company. You are definitely not Black Squad.”

And Saw Gerrera laughs.

(When the actual Black Squad arrives at Senator Mon Mothma’s rooms on Chandrila, they find them abandoned, two cups of Mandalorian green tea cooling on the kitchen table.)

.

She has nowhere else to go—a citizen of the galaxy whom the galaxy no longer recognizes—so Mon stays aboard the Miracle, an adjacent part of an already admixed crew. Saw insists on calling her ‘Senator’ and half-smirking at her, like she’s the butt of a joke she doesn’t understand. She allows it, graciously, thinking that a life-debt excuses such matters. 

After three weeks, though, she is to the point where she might actually murder a sentient lifeform for a working sanisteam, and something that even resembles a vegetable. She starts calling him a zealot, extremist, radical, and hates that he seems to enjoy it. 

(Afterwards, his people call themselves the Partisans, and Mon learns not to blush, hearing it. She thinks he might have got it from her.)

.

She fights her first battle beside him, the blaster still hot where it’s cradled in her palms. She tries not to think about how many sentients she killed. She tries not to think about how many of them died screaming. She tries—

Mon startles at the touch of Saw’s hand, warm and broad where it cups her face. His thumb strokes her cheekbone. “Do not grieve,” Saw says, and she’s take aback by the earnestness shining in his eyes. “Ours is a just war, Senator. We fight it in a name greater than our own.”

“Which is?” she asks dryly. She can’t reach for anything but that, just now, the sarcasm. She is safe there.

“Liberty,” Saw Gerrera says. “We fight for revolution.”

(She still tastes blood and blaster-discharge, when she kisses him.)

[chnsfairy]

chan imitating a siren passing by is the cutest thing ever like i'm busting uwus left and right for this kid i never new my chest would be bursting just because of this tiny thing he does

he's the softest boy ever and needs protection at all costs no exceptions i will fight for him and die for him, and at this point i think i'll live for him

i'll live for those weekly livestreams, i'll wait all week and i'll look forward to that hour i get to spend with him, if anything they're the reason why i'm actually pushing through the week anymore, because i now have something to look forward to at the end. even though i may spent it with a hundred thousand people it always just feels like the two of us, just me and him, sitting in the studio listening to music as he talks about whatever is on his mind and vise versa. who knows maybe a mindset like that is selfish idk and i don't care

but it's my little "good job gryphon, you made it again." at the end of the week, and then, sometimes, i hear him say at the end in my head "just one more time ok ?" a reminder for myself that i do have something to look forward to now, even though it may not seem that big of a deal for others it really is for me. and sometimes i think he scheduled them to be at the end of the week so we, so i, have something to look forward to and push through those 6 awful days to get to

i think this post was originally just going to me gushing about chan saying wee oo wee oo wee oo for five seconds but it's taking another turn so if you stick and read this it's probably going to get a bit personal so sorry about that oof but thank you if you do read i guess, and this is going to be so unstructured i'm sorry for that as well

i tried therapy for the first time last week, and i didn't really take to it. i know everyone's going to be like " it doesn't click immediately you gotta go a couple more times " and i see your point ok, i do and it makes sense but...i cant see myself doing that anytime soon, maybe it's because i literally just CANT be bothered to try anything anymore or because i know that it probably won't help at all. maybe it was the therapist herself, whatever it was i just don't wanna go back which is pROBABLY bad but here we are

chans weekly lives have felt more welcoming and warm than anything else i've felt before, in that moment and that moment only i want to pour my feelings out to him because despite the fact this kid is SO young he's sitting there with this look on his face that he wears that seems like he's lived and seen so many things, so many stories. and then he smiles. with these such old eyes. as he then too pours his emotions and stories back into us, the stories of an old soul; and somebody who somehow always knows what to say when things are bad.

he'll suddenly read a comment that says "chan i'm sad :((" and he always tries to comfort that person, he'll tell them not to worry cause he's there, skz are there for them and they can come to him whenever they need to.

he'll hug the freaking camera because we all need a hug once in a while, and he knows it, he sings songs for stays telling us that we do have someone, and if anything we have him to count on no matter what

and my favorite thing is when he sings, even if it's just the chorus, even if he only knows some words, and especially when he basically sings the whole song. it honestly brings me to tears almost everytime. in the end i release all my pent up stress and anxiety from school and just life shut and just listen to his angelic voice singing whatever he wants to show us or we wanted to show him. his voice ; in which is a sound that's actually saved my life before and i'll never ever forget that, i'm forever in his debt and forever grateful.

he even gives us advice on things sometimes, advice on life and that we should live it and learn to love being alive, that we should express ourselves because quote "you never know what could happen" now while i still have a very long way to go before even reaching that point he's definitely helped me start to try. which i don't think any therapist, no strong the bond, could help me do and work towards. i think i trust chan more than anybody in this world, apart from one other person (you know who you are), and well... maybe it's unhealthy but these one hour live streams are extremely therapeutic for me and that's just how i've always treated them

i don't like talking to a stranger about my life problems, i'm bad at talking and i hate leading the conversation more than anything, so if i can just let chan talk for an hour while i comment and hope he reads just one i'm completely contempt with that. honestly it's how i am irl and probably why if you meet me irl i'll surpise you cause i'm either dead silent or ramble because i'm anxious and scared.

anyway this started about me uwuing over the five year old in him, he's really aged nothing yet he's the wisest person i know, if that makes sense. sorry if this is a bit messy but thanks for reading

so, after all that

i'll get through the week one more time ok ?

just for you chan

[jodara35-blog]

One of These Days I Will Be Brave Enough to Kill Myself: A Note On My Passive Suicidal Ideation

Passive turns to active eventually and I know that at some point I will be finally sick enough of being here that I will finally decide to leave. The endless forever of death is so intoxicating sometimes and it honestly sounds better than being on this hellhole of a planet. Words have become meaningless and the endless “you have so much to live for” and “it gets better” and “I love you” statements just seem like superficial filler. No, I don't feel like a burden. The world feels like a burden to me. I’m so insignificant that my death will ultimately be meaningless. Just like how my life has been meaningless. Nothing matters truly and in the end nothing will still matter. There’s nobody that can say any words to make me feel better cause I know what everyone will say. They get too freaked out by the words “I want to kill myself” and isntantly jump into “oh my god don’t kill yourself” mode. All the places I’ve looked have just said how “you just have tunnel vision” and “talk to someone” and then what? I talk to someone and they tell me all the reasons why I shouldn’t kill myself. Thanks for insulting my intelligence by implying that I don’t already know all that stuff or that I haven’t already thought about all of that. That doesn’t change the fact that I have these thoughts all the time. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be living either. I see my potential and I see what I am capable of. But the thing is there are times when I just don’t care. Everyone around me feels like a parasitic virus that just sucks everything out of me. What am I if I’m not benefiting someone in some way. I barely know myself and I feel like others barely know me. What would not having me around really affect?

I see this as two sides. Pros: I get to rest, I don’t have to deal with the world’s bullshit, I don’t have to live with expectations of everyone and the pressure to not fail or let others down, no more rent, no more bills, no more depression, no more anxiety, no more loathing literally everything all the goddamn time, no more people, no more war, no more heartache, no more money problems, no more student loans, no more begging people to notice how fucking talented I am, no more hating my body, no more feeling sexually frustrated, no more shity car, no more lusting after an endless pool of men who will never find me attractive let alone would want to date me or even kiss me, no more pain. Cons: my family and friends would miss me, my family would probably have to take on my debt (idk how that stuff works), I won’t to see Croix’s smile, I won’t get to see how far I’ll get, I won’t get to see if my theatre company succeeds, no more eating good food, no more laughing, no more weed, no more going out with friends, no more sex, no more porn, the library folks will probably be sad for like two weeks, I wound’t get to see Lucy, I wound’t get to spend time with family or friends.

The cons weigh out the pros just enough to keep me from acting on anything. But what happens when those cons go away? That’s why I know that at some point I will do it. I just feel it. I’ve told myself for a while now that the most likely way I am going to die is by my own hand. It’s just the most probable in my eyes. Now let me be clear, I don’t hate myself (well for most of the part), I just hate my life. I say it all the fucking time; when I’m stuck in traffic, when I don’t have enough money, when I oversleep, when a fucking patron needs help with the copier at the library. I say this so many times so…..I guess it must be true? I don’t fucking know bro. I just hate waking up every day and feeling this way about my life. It’s crazy that one of my favorite pieces I’ve written was about choosing life even when life says fuck you, but I can’t seem to apply it to my own life.

Now I say all this to hope that one day I can look back on this and say “Lol Jordan you were so moody”. My hope is that I will get better cause I can consciously see that I have so much still to do and to live for. My hope is that I’m wrong. My hope is that I will live a long and happy life and that this isn’t just my forever. My hope is that I will fall back in love with life and that this will just be a mental exercise in dumping out my thoughts. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I want to find a renewed reason to be alive. I want someone to help me in how I need to be helped. I KNOW dying isn’t the answer to my problems, but I’m just…tired. I want someone who can convince me that all of this bullshit is still worth it. Well…I guess I’ll see, or I won’t.

[coldflasher]

For the writing thing: 12, 17, 26, 35 ?

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

OOOH HERE WE GO, STRAP YOURSELVES IN, IT’S TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE HADES/PERSEPHONE COLDWESTALLEN FIC

okay okay okay so. picture it. cast your minds back to rogue air, aka, one of the best flash eps ever, fight me. barry is begging leonard snart for his help transporting some metas out of the city. leonard writes something down on a piece of paper that barry, canonically, categorically refuses to do.

but what if he didn’t refuse?

not a massively original fic concept at first glance, i grant you. loads of people have speculated about what exactly it was that len asked for. popular theories are a) sexual favours, or b) barry’s assistance with some kind of heist. there have been lots of fics about this exact premise. but hey, you can never have too much of a good thing. 

SO, what len wants is to have barry join the rogues, not just for one mission, but for six months. barry is desperate, he’s not in any shape to refuse, so he agrees, because he figures that hey, he’s going to erase the timeline anyway, it’s not like he’ll ever have to make good on the deal. he’s going to save his mom, the deal will never have been struck. 

except as we know, he doesn’t save nora, and so he’s now in len’s debt. and we start from there.

the basic concept is very, VERY loosely inspired by the hades/persephone myth, where persephone marries hades and has to spend half the year ruling hell with him, and half aboveground with her mother. so the fic spans several years, as barry keeps doing trade-offs with the rogues for various favours, spending six months with them doing heists and stuff, and then six with team flash, living his normal life. it’s enemies to friends to lovers between barry and len, SUPER slow burn. but!! as barry slowly falls for len during his six month stints with him, he’s also still in love with iris, and in the time they spend apart, she’s coming to realise that she might actually reciprocate those feelings. so barry is torn between two lives, two loves, two people he can’t live without but there doesn’t seem to be any way he can reconcile the two, and somewhere down the line he’s going to have to make an impossible choice: len or iris.

and then we get to season 3. and savitar shows up. and iris is going to die.

barry’s desperate, so he asks len for help with one last job: protect iris and save her life. and len agrees, because he thinks that this will be his chance to make barry choose him once and for all. he agrees to be iris’ bodyguard... and then, oops, len and iris start falling in love too.

it’s long!! it’s messy!! i’m obSESSED with it, as you can probably already tell! it’s split into four parts, or ‘books,’ and i’m aiming for each one to be around 50k, so hoping for 200k overall, but it’s me, so there’s a strong chance it’ll be longer. it’s gonna be another massive undertaking but i’m so excited, honestly, I LOVE IT SO MUCH and i can’t wait to share it but WHO KNOWS WHEN THAT’LL HAPPEN? NOT ME, especially since im currently working on part 2 when part 1 isn’t even outlined yet, lmaooo why am i like this

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

i’m always hesitant to say ‘never ever,’ cos i’ll try anything once, but i suppose there are some tropes i just have zero interest in, not because they’re too dark or whatever, but more because they’re so boring. for example, you can keep coffee shop AUs well away from me, i cannot imagine anything less interesting to write. 

i also always swore i’d never touch kidfic with a ten foot pole, but recently i’ve kinda started to develop an unexpected interest in the secret baby trope in romance and i’ve read a couple of stories with oops babies and i’m like, hm. i don’t hate this, actually. but i generally prefer them to mostly take place before the baby has actually been born cos kids squick me out. idk if i’d ever write it (with the exception of stuff about nora, but i’d never have her younger than mid-teens) but again, i wouldn’t want to rule it out

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

i don’t think so? i’m pretty ambitious, and if the idea’s there, so am i. i wrote a 500k fic once, i have no fear left in my heart haha. i do currently have a fic in the works that’s dual timeline and i am honestly kind of scared of that, bc it’s a nightmare to keep straight in my head, but i’m doing it anyway cos i cannot be stopped

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

i think i’ve pretty much covered that one already haha (if ur still reading, congratulations, i am in awe) but yeah i have so many WIPs i am drowning in them. my only desire is to finally FINISH something. keep ur fingers crossed for me that i finally finish and post that one one-shot today, cos i want it DONE

thanks for sending, asks are love and i really appreciated the chance to babble here haha <3 

[verbjectives]

big oc challenge! 1-25 for whoever you want!

thank you!!!! holy shit okay under the cut because this is a behemoth!!!! 

1: their voice

oh jeez idk how to describe voices…it’s masculine enough i guess??? he doesn’t have the deepest voice ever but it’s not high pitched ever. he’s from fantasy england. he tries his best to keep it as smooth as he can but it quivers and breaks sometimes when he’s upset

2: their smile

answered

3: their greatest achievement

he doesn’t think he’s achieved anything but he’s the fucking champion of pelor and he killed a lich king so you be the judge of that

4: their insecurities

mostly that he’s not good enough and that he’ll be a disappointment because he knows that he’s fucked up so many times and he’s afraid that he’ll fail his friends and that they’ll hate him for that 

5: their shortcomings

this is by no means a complete list, but he’s a coward, reckless, self-destructive, pain/punishment seeking, and relatively vindictive

6: how they deal with grief

don’t talk about it, bottle it up (and wait for it to explode in a mess of emotions)

7: how they like to dress

answered

8: what they like to eat

meat, potatoes, bread, and cheese are probably the staples of the diet of where he’s from, so those. also mom’s home cooking and baking.

9: their theme

i’ve got a few for him, but 

breathe me in by jared & the mill

I’d give a damn for anythingThat gave me more than hellAnd there ain’t much on this old worldThat I do very wellI’m sure I have a purposeBut my mind has drawn a blankIt’s a shame to think you’d give meOne more single day

ledges by noah gundersen

 And I want to learn how to love, And give it all back,And be forgiven for all I’ve done.

Here, I stand on the edge of the ledges I’ve made, Looking for a steady hand,Here, I stand in the land of the rocks in the valley,Trying to be a better man (for you)

and stoprewind by nathan sharp 

I don’t understand what you see in me‘Cause I’m just another story(That’s not worth a reading)Now you’ve got me pinned up against the wallWhy aren’t you afraid that I’ll take a fall?There’s more that came before me(Am I worth believing?)

are my top three, but i hope he reaches a point where thomas bergersen’s sun becomes a fitting theme

10: their fashion sense

he’s a fashion disaster holy shit someone help him. he wears whatever he can find and he’ll wear that for as long as he can. his original clothing at the start of the campaign were mostly frankensteined because they had to be patched up so much. he’s gotten more presentable ever since he started travelling with other people, but he still looks like a hobo. 

11: their family life

good all things considered. he loves his parents and his parents love him, but he doesn’t communicate well with them and he hides things because he wants to protect them. there was a period of several years where he just cut contact because seeing/talking to them would have put them in danger. he’s reconnected with them since then, but he still worries and want to make sure they’re safe.

12: their romantic life

bro it’s awful….he’s never had a healthy romantic relationship in his life. the one person he fell so deeply in love with mercilessly manipulated and abused him, and p much every other “relationship” he’s had was more of a sexual escapade. his relationship with artemisia (dragonborn sorcerer) was the closest thing to a normal relationship, but he wasn’t as emotionally invested in it as he would have been because he was so in love with grisha

13: their embarrassing memory from years ago

oh man i don’t have any written/established for him, but there are probably quite a few lbr….most of them were probably during whatever hazing he got when he was initiated into the thieves guild. pissing himself would have been one of the less embarrassing things to happen during that time. and i’m sure he’s done a bunch of super embarrassing shit while he’s been drunk off his ass, but he doesn’t remember any of it. 

14: how they react to burning their tongue on food

answered

15: how they react to a brainfreeze

answered

16: their dreams

his family having a safe and comfortable life

paying off his debts to thanos

17: their ambitions

kill grisha

die a better man than he used to be

18: how they sleep

answered

19: their reaction to betrayal

if it’s a betrayal against him personally then he’d be like “yeah ok, i probably deserve it,” but if it’s a betrayal against his friends, then he’ll be pissed 

20: their reaction to a mystery love letter

answered

21: how they react to pain

grit his teeth and bear it. don’t mention it, just muscle through it, it’ll pass eventually.insist he’s fine even though he’s very clearly not if someone asks him about it. he’s also a masochist so he enjoys it to a certain point and does actively seek it out from other people.

22: what they’re like on two hours of sleep

quieter but grouchier and a much bigger asshole than he usually is

23: how they act when they’re sick

depends on how sick he is. like if it’s just a cold, he’ll try to muscle through it and act as unaffected by it as possible. but if he’s really really sick…well he’ll act like any other really really sick person in that he’ll be really out of it. will still say he’s fine and probably wouldn’t do anything unless someone made him do something about it.

24: what motivates them

the desire to fix the mistakes he’s made

25: why you enjoy them

look…he’s kind of a piece of shit and he’s difficult and dramatic but he has the potential to be good/to be a better person and i love myself a good redemption arc. also while playing him i just get rid of my filter so i can be such an asshole and that’s a lot of fun

[larryrickard]

lets get personal.

i know this is supposed to be an ask meme but i’m fucking bored & no one ever sends me them, so.  also i’m kinda pissy rn unfortunately so forgive pls some of my answers lol

01: 6 of the songs you listen to most?:  idk.  mostly i listen to everything on random anymore, and only in my car.  the only song i’ve listened to on repeat recently has been ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga. 02: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?:  speaking of which, lady gaga. 03: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.:  the only book near me would be all the books, as in my bookshelf.  unless you count my kindle, in which case there would be no line 17 because of the font size.  sorry. 04: What do you think about most?:  idk.  whatever my current obsession is i guess. 05: What does your latest text message from someone else say?:  “And you don't have to cook it”. 06: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?:  with.  i don’t like being naked and don’t understand those who do.  also i get cold. 07: What’s your strangest talent?:  i don’t have talents. 08: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence):  are soft and beautiful.  meh, have to earn my trust. 09: Ever had a poem or song written about you?:  a song, yes. 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?:  a very long time.  it’s not a thing i ever do lol. 11: Do you have any strange phobias?:  i don’t think so.  my phobias are pretty standard. 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?:  when i was a kid, yeah.  plenty.  once my parents had to hold me down and tweeze a chewed up wad of juicy fruit out of my nose.  i fucking love the smell of that gum.  three year old me may have been stupid but, hey.  i was being economical.  also i blame it on my parents for, you know, giving a fucking toddler some gum. 13: What’s your religion?:  don’t have one.  former christian, which is gross.  don’t indoctrinate children, please and thanks. 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?:  walking to or from my car.  that’s about it.  :/ 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?:  behind.  no one deserves to see my face.  rip to everyone who sees me in person on a regular basis. 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?:  jars of clay, jimmy eat world, the elms. 17: What was the last lie you told?:  that i’m not in debt lmao.  the only time i’ve lied to my psychiatrist :/ 18: Do you believe in karma?:  no but sometimes i wish i did.  so many people deserve their comeuppance. 19: What does your URL mean?:  doesn’t really mean anything, he’s a character from the flash. 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?:  all sorts of things?  and idk. 21: Who is your celebrity crush?:  lady gaga, angelina jolie, carlos valdes, idk if shane madej is a ‘celebrity’ but him, brie larson, michael sheen... idk, i don’t really have “crushes” but those are the first ppl to come to mind. 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?:  nope.  and no thank you. 23: How do you vent your anger?:  lol. 24: Do you have a collection of anything?:  funko pops?  but not seriously.  i mean.  i have a lot of them bc i love a lot of characters and there are some pretty fuckin dope funkos.  but it’s not my goal in life to have a huge collection or anything.  at least i can say i have less than a hundred of them lol.  (less than 75.) 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?:  ew, neither.  but if i had to choose, phone.  bc, you know.  my face. 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?:  lmfao no.  i mean, i’m better than the person i used to be, that’s for sure.  (see:  indoctrinated as a child, including your typical conservative bullshit like racism for starters.) 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?:  so many.  i have misophonia.  and people chewing + mouth sounds is definitely a big one.  love?  idk???  music?  rain?  my cat’s cute lil meow? 28: What’s your biggest “what if”?:  what if my thyroid issues were discovered earlier on instead of a year or more after they started.  my childhood doctor was Not Great.  it took her two weeks to figure out i had a sinus infection.  i was in the fourth grade.  still bitter about both of those. 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?:  no, ghosts aren’t real.  aliens yes.  not the stereotypical ones, but in a “given the size of the universe it’s literally impossible that we’re the only life out there” way. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.:  right, the cat.  left, air. 31: Smell the air. What do you smell?:  nothing?  it’s my house/room, so to me it smells like nothing. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?:  uh... i’ve no idea? 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?:  west, obviously. 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?:  no such thing as ‘opposite’ gender.  of a different gender, though?  lady gaga. 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?:  who the fucking fuck knows.  literally know one knows, though tbh.  they just think they do. 36: Define Art.:  lmfao how would i know.  i don’t have a creative bone in my body so i should be the last person to comment on the subject. 37: Do you believe in luck?:  nope.  i hope it’s obvious by now that i don’t believe in fictional things. 38: What’s the weather like right now?:  cool.  cloudy.  typical oregon winter weather.  i want rain tho :( 39: What time is it?:  3:04am. 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?:  yes.  and yes, several times.  three.  two totaled cars.  the last one is the only one that was actually my fault, though.  driving too close after it rained.  don’t do it, folks. 41: What was the last book you read?:  the diviners by libba bray.  currently reading a short history of nuclear folly by rudolph herzog.  fascinating, but kind of  depressing af. 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?:  no. 43: Do you have any nicknames?:  hal (to a very select few bc 99% of the time i hate it, so fuck you if you call me this without permission), hals, hallie bird, hallie strawberry. 44: What was the last film you saw?:  i honestly don’t know.  haven’t done a whole lot of movie watching lately.  maybe the fall (2006).  (please watch this movie, it’s so gorgeous and lovely.) 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?:  i’ve never had a serious injury.  well.  i take that back, i guess.  in my first car accident i was stopped and rear-ended at like, 40mph.  so i’ve had back issues since i was 18.  usually it’s fine but sometimes it’s bad and sometimes i can set it off really easily.  idk if that counts as “serious”, though.  lots of people have back problems. 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?:  i don’t think so? 47: Do you have any obsessions right now?:  i guess buzzfeed unsolved and watcher.  and ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga lol.  good omens, as usual. 48: What’s your sexual orientation?:  asexual. 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?:  yes.  thankfully only a few (that i know of, anyway). 50: Do you believe in magic?:  no. 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?:  yuuup.  they deserve it. 52: What is your astrological sign?:  taurus. 53: Do you save money or spend it?:  spend it :||  every paycheck i tell myself i’ll be better at saving it, but............ 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?:  preordered chromatica by lady gaga. 55: Love or lust?:  if i had to choose, love.  lust and all that stuff is gross. 56: In a relationship?:  nope.  shocker, i know.  (this is sarcasm.  it is no shocker to anyone as to why i’m single.) 57: How many relationships have you had?:  just the one. 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?:  nope. 59: Where were you yesterday?:  work on my day off for a staff meeting, and then my psychiatrists’ office. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?:  a few things, yes. 61: Are you wearing socks right now?:  yes.  almost always. 62: What’s your favourite animal?:  cats, then birds.  mice are p adorable, too.  i miss having them.  i haven’t had mice since middle school or early high school i think :(  i’d love more but my current cat would definitely try to eat them... same with a bird.  i’ll probably never have a bird :( 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?:  be sarcastic and love stupid puns and bad jokes? 64: Where is your best friend?:  one is in ohio and the other is in massachusetts. 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.:  no idea lol.  i haven’t been on here much recently, and i’m never caught up anyway.  and i don’t usually pay attention to who is posting/reblogging. 66: What is your heritage?:  mostly german.  the rest is other typical white stuff that i can’t remember.  some irish?  either way idc. 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?:  uh, rewatching some buzzfeed unsolved for the 100th time?  and playing with my tamagotchi? 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?:  he doesn’t exist so idc. 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?:  nope.  also, Nice™. 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?:  incredibly doubtful. 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?:  go to work.  i love my job way too much.  i’d probably try to get someone’s attention if there was anyone around, and/or call animal services.  (there are no canals around here anyway and i don’t walk to work and ain’t gonna.) 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?:  who tf knows, i hate this shit.  i’d really rather not think about it bc it stresses me out.  i probably wouldn’t tell very many people tho.  try to find someone to take my cat :(  i sure as shit wouldn’t leave her to my parents :(  and i wouldn’t want to leave her in a shelter.  she’s already done that once and it makes me too sad. 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.:  trust.  you can’t have love without trust, though... 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?:  ‘sweetness’ by jimmy eat world, ‘fade to grey’ by jars of clay, ‘thunderhead’ by the elms, ‘bad romance’ and ‘g*psy’ by lady gaga (latter is... i hate the name but the song is so fucking catchy, ugh), ‘torn’ by natalie imbruglia, ‘bring it all back’ by s club 7, ‘... baby one more time’ by britney spears, ‘where’s the love’ by hanson, ‘who do you think you are’ by the spice girls, ‘as long as you love me’ and ‘everybody (backstreet’s back)’ by the backstreet boys, ‘black balloon’ by goo goo dolls, ‘spark’ by tori amos, ‘last beautiful girl’ by matchbox twenty, ‘push it’ by garbage, ‘i want you’ by savage garden, ‘minority’ and ‘she’ and ‘basket case’ and ‘macy’s day parade’ by green day... how’s that lol. 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?:  not giving out that kind of personal information lmao. 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?:  i wouldn’t know. 77: How can I win your heart?:  you probably can’t.  idk anyway. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?:  sure, but lack of insanity is a better way to go.  don’t perpetuate the bullshit notion that you need to be suffering to create Great Art™. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?:  idk.  i haven’t made very many. 80: What size shoes do you wear?:  10 in women’s. 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?:  i’m going to be cremated and you probably should be, too.  just don’t get embalmed, k? 82: What is your favourite word?:  fuck. 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.:  ‘alone’ by heart. 84: What is a saying you say a lot?:  idk.  someone who spends time around me irl would have to tell me. 85: What’s the last song you listened to?:  ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga on repeat. 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?:  blue.  then green, and in no particular order, black, grey, purple. 87: What is your current desktop picture?:  it’s boring, just the default mac catalina background lol.  i was having issues choosing a background and was getting way too fucking picky, so i just said ‘fuck it’ and have been using this one for months. 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?:  donald trump. 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?:  idk?  how much in debt i am?  lmao. 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?:  assume i’m having a night terror or am hallucinating.  and be scared. 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?:  hopefully teleportation. 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?:  maybe when i met carlos valdes & got a picture with him.  he’s super sweet, is living sunshine, and gives amazing hugs. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?:  so many :/  idek where to start tbh. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?:  i’m sex-repulsed so no thank you.  also, gross question.  get a life. 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?:  new zealand. 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?:  yes, my cousin bc he murdered my dad ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?:  no. 98: Ever been on a plane?:  many times. 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?:  indigenous people aren’t history, they still exist.  shut the fuck up and listen to them.  build a time machine to go back in time and prevent colonisers.  just straight-up kill them, we deserve it.