#there was a lot of family drama about me being trans but its all bc of my mom and im not going to get into it but its just.

[perilegs]

i think i'm the perfect family gathering babysitter bc i LOVE hearing people just go off about whatever topic and children LOVE doing that

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i think you're onto something with the romance novels world and plot points needing to mirror the kind of outlandishness of the love story. bc the main characters are already inherently acting absurd just by falling madly in love in a month or whatever and then if you add in the contrivances of romance tropes, it starts to feel like whiplash trying to pretend the characters live in any sort of grounded "normal" world. Like when the author adds in a family conflict subplot where the MC is like in absolute shambles because her mom said something slightly passive aggressive at lunch. that reads as more jarring to me than like conflict being something ridiculous that her mom doesn't want her being a marine biologist bc they come from a long line of fishmongers. Give me absurd drama to match the over the top dialogue and character emotions, I knew it would be unrealistic it's a romance novel! I guess this applies more to romcoms, but the same would apply I think to an analogous serious scenario. Or at least that's my take on it

okay so having just finished genuinely the most boring romance novel I have ever read in my LIFE I'm going to expand on this a little so thank you for sending an ask that gives me such a great platform to do that

I personally generally prefer a romance that just gets fucking silly with it, like really outlandish. A Lady for the Duke (Alexis Hall) is obviously the dream, being a whole swoony historical trans-affirming fantasy, but contemporary fake relationship stories can also be fun in their sheer ridiculousness, like Love, Hate, and Clickbait (Liz Bowery), which I actually liked, and Unfortunately Yours (Tessa Bailey), which I did not like but was very funny. and let's not forget queen Helen Hoang's Bride Test, which has a premise that dances perilously close to human trafficking but all works out in the end!!!

BUT HAVING SAID THAT. I don't think that something needs to be totally implausible to be a good romance. two of my very favorites romance novels anywhere ever are Helen Hoang's Heart Principle (no one should be surprised Hoang is on her twice I adore her) and Akwaeke Emezi's You Made a Fool of Death with Your Beauty. both of these books are very grounded in reality but with very uncommon situations to heighten emotions and add urgency; in Hoang's case it's a character's adult autism diagnosis + death of a parent and in Emezi's case it's a very sudden and #problematic attraction coming out of absolutely nowhere. the stakes are very real, mostly centering around being true to yourself v disappointing your family, but the circumstances are still wild enough to make you say "god DAMN" and keep turning pages. hell, I'll even be extremely generous and include Mistakes Were Made (Meryl Wilsner) which is kind of a flop but does have the intriguing premise of "what if you were fucking a milf but her kid was YOUR BEST FRIEND and it was a secret?"

those are like the two sweet spots TO ME, and this book I just read (which was Thank You for Sharing by Rachel Runya Katz, I feel so bad putting it on blast but I know people are going to ask) really solidified it for me because TYFS didn't fall into either of those categories. I'm going to say something absolutely insane, which is that multiple times while I was reading it I found myself wishing that the book was fanfic, because on its own it just... didn't bring a lot to the table? it falls into the grounded category but doesn't really bring any of those heightened stakes to the story, it's just 330 pages of people in their late twenties complaining about dating and their office jobs. if I wanted that I could just ask my group chat! there's nothing particularly particularly gripping about watching made up strangers do it!

but then I was like oh hang on... if this was two fictional characters who are usually fighting with swords or throwing cars at each other or something this would be so gripping. it's literally the coffee shop AU principle, right? like seeing people in a very mundane setting having an office job and going to a bar is very shrimpteresting when they're normally defusing space bombs. I was explaining this to my housemates and I couldn't think of a straight couple to apply it to (the book is m/f) so I said Naruto and Sasuke, which is crazy because I've never seen a single episode of Naruto, but like. idk Naruto being a museum curator who has to work with Sasuke, a marketing specialist who he had beef with a summer camp 14 years ago, sounds kind of compelling, right? definitely more than just two people I don't know.

there's a post on here that I think about a lot that talks about why advertising a story with tropes doesn't work for original fiction as well as it does for fan fic because knowing the tropes is more helpful when you already have a sense of investment in the characters and their personalities, and I think this is related to that! I think sometimes you NEED to have a wider sense of scope for the characters for them to be interesting in a very mundane setting!

ANYWAY. much to consider, etc.

[fluffynexu]

marriage and birthrate in the empire

like with many cultures and societies, the empire has its customs and norms when it comes to things like marriage.

for the vast majority of ppl in the empire, sith or imperial, monogamy is the most common type of marriage seen. and within monogamous unions the couple can be of any combo of gender or sex.

for simplicity’s sake the color code is as followed: RED, female BLUE, male PURPLE, trans/nb/intersex

those in higher castes have more stipulations, considerations, and thought put into their partners rather than those in lower castes who can casually hook up with whoever they want.

another type of marriage that is seen, though not very commonly, are polygamous marriages.

with a poly marriage there is the head of house (crown icon) and the spouses/consorts (no crown).

these unions are typically only seen among sith families with prestige and history, but it’s not completely unheard of for some imperials to have them as well.

a monogamous marriage can turn into a poly one. if the head of house is like “hey, there’s this person i met... and i kinda like them? maybe if you vibe with them, i can bring them into our union?” and their spouse says “cool beans.” then yea, more spouses lol.

within a poly union, all children must be of the head of house’s bloodline. and the children produced with the first spouse (grey box) become the household heir(s)... usually.

and while all of the spouses/consorts may be married to the head of house, any/all parties can engage in whatever intimate activities they want with each other. the only “unacceptable” thing would be to produce any children that does not involve the head of house.

so you could have two husbands or wives that are way more into each other than the head of house. and it’s all seen as totally cool and fine. such attitudes however are more common among the sith than with humans.

now speaking of heirs.

for those in the upper castes, having An Heir of some sort is important and kind of a big deal. it’s part of the reason why getting juuust the right marriage partner is so important. it’ll usually be a thing the families discuss and negotiate over months or even years.

it’s serious business... lol.

but regardless of type of marriage (monogamous or poly), there is the one getting married (crown) and the one being married off (no crown).

those that are married off take the family name of their spouse and all resulting children of the union have that family name.

with the children you’ll either have an heir or a chosen heir.

in the GREEN circle up above you have an example of a plain, regular heir. that is to say, the firstborn.

in the ORANGE circle you have a chosen heir. not the firstborn.

there could be a myriad of reasons on why the family decided on a chosen heir over a regular one. maybe the oldest kid is a dumbass and fucks up. maybe they died before getting married. maybe the kid didn’t want that responsibility. etc.

again, as we move down the caste ladder, the less and less important all these inter-familial details become.

most “common” folk simply hook up with whoever they like, have kids, and their kids go off and do the same. they may not even take on their spouses name depending on how much they care about that.

just on a side note, if the married couple isn’t capable of producing children by themselves modern medicine and technology can help. or if the option exist, they could go the old school, natural route.

for example, among same sex sith couples (PINK rectangles) they will look for and hook up with other couples and... help each other out.

these unions don’t happen too often since they’re only there to make the babies and go on their way lol. though, the two families could stay connected and friendly if they wish.

now this is a lot of pomp and circumstance to get some babies! and you’d be right lol.

bringing in some REAL LIFE FACTS lol, but here’s how things went down and are going down for ppl irl on earth.

you see everywhere on the planet, before the advent of industrialization, you had populations like this.

all the babies. so many babies. but not too many old folk. 

and it’s obvious why. no birth control, lack of modern medicine, famine, diseases, wars, etc etc etc. a lot of ppl died before getting ripe and old.

nowadays, or at least among the Wealthy Industrialized~ nations, it looks something like this.

also a couple of real graphs just to show how drastically things have changed.

a lot less babies!

this is attributed to a LOT of things. full super in depth research here if anyone wants: https://ourworldindata.org/fertility-rate

but in short... yea. birth control, women being educated and being allowed to work means they don’t have to just pump out kids. (which is GOOD btw). and the fact we have a lot more food and access to medicine means more ppl are living longer.

this ofc, is leading to Actual problems tho. bc if you don’t have enough New Ppl to replace the Old Ppl... yea, there will be some societal issues. now, i’m so nOT an expert but imho countries like the US could off set this by... immigration. by letting other ppl into the country to make up for a declining birthrate... but i digress!

within the empire you could have something like this during wartime where you’d have a portion of your adult population go off to fight and probably die.

but the IDEAL is this:

a perfect square of population if you will lol.

as older generations age out and die off, you have newer generation to fill their roles and keep the imperial dream going.

now unlike some modern countries irl that do a terrible job of trying to incentivize young adults into having kids (we all know who lol), the empire aids and supports parents 110%.

paid leave (for both), govt run daycares and schools so that when the kids are old enough to go to those the parents can focus back on their work. either tax breaks or monthly allowances from the govt to help pay for the kids. and usually, extended familial support is more common in the empire. so the question for most ppl in the empire isn’t “do you want to have kids?” but rather “when are you having kids?”

if however someone just vehemently opposes the idea of being a parent, there is no down side. the empire will not force parenthood on ppl since that’s a terrible idea for everyone involved.

that’s basically it... a more informal and jumbled post i know lol.

a few side notes?

teen pregnancy isn’t really a thing. if it happens the attitude is “you’re basically a child so no, you’re not gonna have baby.” (abortion is seen as a health service)

when imperials join the military at 20 (the legal adult age in the empire) everyone, regardless of sex, gets a birth control implant. bc having a lot of young adults close together... ppl are bound to get horny and you don’t wanna have the possibility of anyone having kids in inopportune circumstances so yea. they can have the implant removed whenever their mandatory service is done and get straight to making babies if they want lol.

children born out of wedlock def exist. very frowned upon in upper castes. not really a big deal with lower castes.

can you adopt kids. yes. and unlike rl where you have to pay lots of money, you don’t really pay anything. but the govt will require a lot of forms and check ups and visits and etc etc.

can adopted children become house heirs? yes. if that is the wish of their parent.

god the drama and tropes there must be in their media... “well your father is a lesser consort, so how bout you stfu!” “D:<”

are there “pure love” marriages in upper castes? yes. but a lot of drama revolve around those depending on who is the one being married off.

also, sith can and have been totally disowned if they decide to marry someone without their family’s approval. (this is serious business for them! lol)

y’all are free to send me questions or comments or whatever.

[arofili]

I love reading what you write! It's always such good, easy writing no matter what it's about! Do you have any Russingon fic recs? I'm new to Ao3 and still figuring it all out.

Aww thank you so much <3 <3 that means a lot! and YES I have lots of Russingon fic recs! These are all taken from my bookmarks and I know there are other great fics out there, but these are ones that I have saved and come back to frequently!

(I’m also going to plug my Russingon fics bc I write them a lot and I’m pretty proud of some of those works!)

Blessed Hands Will Break Me by @absynthe--minded - WIP currently at 139k, lots of worldbuilding, from Fingon’s discovery of Maedhros’ capture to the Mereth Aderthad - Absynthe is an amazing Russingon writer, absolutely check her stuff out!

“whoso list to hunt” by vauquelin (elftrash) - 3k oneshot, post-Angband, 1st person Fingon POV - another incredible writer

“Old Pains” by @zealouswerewolfcollector​ - ficlet, post-reembodiment, Maedhros is unsure of reality

Did My Heart Love Till Now? by @absynthe--minded​ (with art by @felixwhetsel​ !) - 5k, Years of the Trees, masquerade shenanigans <3

“stay thy mind, and all the rest” by @mc-dude​ - 25k oneshot, get together, Fingon visits Maedhros in Himring, the ANGST and LONGING gahhhh !!!

“commit (to the bit)” by vauquelin (elftrash) - 4k oneshot, Years of the Trees, FAKE DATING FOR WORLD PEACE, this author has a GIFT for prose and the subtlety of interpersonal interaction

“cliffs of fall” by @arrivisting - 3k oneshot, nonlinear narrative but generally focused on post-reembodiment reunion with Complicated Feelings - another author with a truly inspiring talent for prose, I reread the wedding scene in this fic at least once a week and it never fails to make me emo

In Equal Measure by @siphilemon - WIP currently at 108k, time-travel fix-it, bullet point fic, not just Russingon but they’re the ones who time traveled and anyway their parts make me go insane

Your colors by @elesianne - 2 chapters, 3k total, Years of the Trees and then Beleriand, gift-giving and anniversaries and dirty talk, so tender and loving, Elle’s Russingon always hits me right in the heart <3

“Like the old season” by Tyelperintal - 1.8k oneshot, post-Angband, Maedhros and Fingon take a walk in the woods, super sweet

“Gifts of the Heart” by @wren-of-the-woods - 10k oneshot, Years of the Trees, really lovely get-together fic, gift-giving, just super sweet and fun

Our Houses Bound Together by @senalishia and @z-h-i-e - 5 chapters, 17.2k total, arranged marriage AU!!, mutual pining, lots of drama, very fun

“just one safe place” by sunflower_diode - 2.1k oneshot, post-Angband, homoerotic haircutting

“All About Your Heart” and its sequel “At Last Broke Silence, And The Ice” by @admirablemonster - first fic is 2k, second is 8k, modern AU ft. aspec Fingon and genderfluid Maedhros!!!, get together, family drama, ice angst <3

Life after Death by Sylanna - WIP currently at 69k, Fingon-centric post-reembodiment fic, slow moving and contemplative, the author is truly the sweetest person ever

What Is Wrought Between Us by @nikosheba - 90k series (with plenty of smut too), complete, canon compliant, ranges from the Years of the Trees all the way to after the Dagor Dagorath, a truly incredible work

“Kindness” by justonelastdance - 1.6k oneshot, Maedhros in a fucked up mental state post-Angband, hurt/comfort - this author writes a lot of Maedhros whump so if you like this check out their other stuff too (this one is just my favorite)

and under the cut, some smut recs....

smut recs

In a Jeweled Crown by @absynthe--minded - 3 chapters, 12k, complete, Fingon’s coronation and the aftermath - this one still makes me go nuts every time I read it

Reconnecting by nyromes - a series with 2 parts, 9k total, first time post-Angband + first time Maedhros bottoms post-Angband

“Bright Defiance” (1.7k) and its companion fic “Very Good” (800 word ficlet) by @edgeoflight - two oneshots, Fingon coaxes Maedhros’ story out of him post-Angband + some PWP - these are some of my favorites, I come back to them frequently

“all your perfect imperfections” by @stormxpadme - 1.8k oneshot, stumpfucking, I’m biased bc this was written for me but I do love it very much, Himring era

“These Games We Play” by @edgeoflight - 1.7k oneshot, the original stumpfucking fic, Himring era

A Surprise At Home by Findecutie and MayGlenn - 25k of pwp, Years of the Trees, newlyweds, crossdressing - part of the much longer Russ and Finno Verse but this was my intro to that verse and it’s good on its own!

“Fuath” by yeaka - 3k oneshot, first time, some truly disturbing manipulation by Melkor but the Russingon here fucking destroys me ;-;

“Rozanne” by yeaka - 2.8k oneshot, Maedhros recovering from Angband, I once saw someone use the phrase “lovingly described blowjobs” and that’s basically this fic

“Sleeve” by yeaka - 2.4k oneshot, trans!Maedhros, Years of the Trees, Fëanor invents the condom for Maedhros and Russingon are incredibly eager to try it out, they’re SO IN LOVE here it gets me every time

Passion and Anxious Care by LiveOakWithMoss - 12.5k total, 2 fic series, modern AU, oh my god they were roommates, get together and then first time, this is another one I return to frequently - this author is/was a BNF a few years ago but hasn’t been active recently

“For nimble thought can jump both sea and land” by TheLionInMyBed - 2.2k oneshot, palantiri foolishness that leads to video sex basically, Beleriand era - another BNF who is/was buds with LiveOakWithMoss

Treat me soft but touch me cool by LiveOakWithMoss and TheLionInMyBed - 4 chapters, 18k total, swoon kink/medical kink, relationship difficulties that are resolved, Beleriand era with a final chapter post-reembodiment, love this one

“Enthroned” by @ultraviolet-eucatastrophe - 4.5k oneshot, throne sex, fealty kink, King Fingon era

“A Disgrace to the House of Finwë” by @edgeoflight - 2.3k oneshot, get together/first time, Years of the Trees, they’re just super sweet together <3

“What Happens in Himring” by teasoni - 3.4k oneshot, reunion sex, Himring era, fealty kink, this fic is tagged “finally some dicks get sucked!!!!!!” and I think about that tag every time I write a Russingon blowjob jdkfhdkj

“a light in darkness, hope in woe” by @admirablemonster - 4k oneshot, trans!Maedhros, surprise baby Gil-galad in the middle of the Bragollach

“A lord and his prince” by @ultraviolet-eucatastrophe - 3.1k oneshot, early Beleriand era, reunion sex, super sweet and fluffy

“Made of Lava” by @edgeoflight - 2.1k oneshot, Years of the Trees, tender get-together fic with a kind of silly premise

Bend, bruise, beg by LiveOakWithMoss - 5 chapters, 13k total, part of a larger modern AU but tbh I haven’t read the main fic in that verse and this absolutely stands on its own, Maedhros discovering his kinks, chapters 2 (first time) and 4 (butt plug shenanigans) are my favorites

“in a field of stars” by Nacht - 3.4k oneshot, Years of the Trees, first time/get together, the writing style here is really unique and sticks with me

“a sword once sheathed” by @mc-dude - 3.5k oneshot, Beleriand era, reunion sex, the amount of horny longing is truly astonishing

Of Flight and Freedom by @admirablemonster - 2 chapters, 6.6k total, wingfic/wing kink, first time/get together, the Rescue and its aftermath

“Thorns” by yeaka - 2k oneshot, post-Angband, Maedhros with lousy self-worth, Fingon who punishes him with love, bondage

The Ice Between by angrymermaids (who has a tumblr but I don’t remember the url oops) - 7 chapters, 33.5k total, Beleriand era, piecing their relationship back together / trying to get back to being intimate, focus on Fingon and his trauma from the Ice

“much too tall for a boyfriend” by @i-am-a-lonely-visitor - 4.7k oneshot, fem!Maedhros x budding-transmasc!Fingon, Years of the Trees, I think about this fic ALL THE TIME I kind of want to write a sequel to it sjfdhdkjh

“the beat of your heart as my hand touches your skin” by @admirablemonster - 5.3k oneshot, part of the Elves in Pon Farr series, Years of the Trees, heat fic/mating cycles, first time/get together, Maedhros’ first heat catches him by surprise while on a camping trip with Fingon, accidental soulbond

“Beneath the Blanketing White” by @nikosheba - 2.3k oneshot, Himring era, pwp, cameo from little Gil-galad at the end

“What I Am (When I’m With You)” by @thatfeanorian - 5k oneshot, part of a larger modern AU, married fluff, Fingon with baby Gil, ends with some lovely smut, this was written for me so AGAIN I’m biased but I do very much love this one

“open your body and soul to me” by @the-quiet-fire-of-defiance - 2.3k oneshot, Years of the Trees, trans!Maedhros, pregnancy, exhibitionism, sex toys, they’re so in love that it drives me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about this fic djfhkjd

“Like the Golden Fire in Your Eyes” by @sianascera - 3.8k oneshot, Years of the Trees, Maedhros invents nipple piercings, extremely fun <3

[misterbitches]

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak​ 

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough. 

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR 

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls. 

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated. 

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences.  especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks. 

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well. 

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;) 

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

[szivtalan]

character ask: kagami, momoi, alex and himuro 👀👀👀

!!! omg thank u Ceru! u might be one of my favorite mutuals <33 (putting this under a read more just so I can speak at lengths about each individual character)

Why I like Kagami: this is where I sarcastically ask “why DON’T i like him” but that’s literally the next question so; he’s everything i want to be and more. He has the determination and the willpower to make his own dreams come true, he’s gay as shit, he’s tall and buff and well-adjusted, mature enough to live on his own at an annoyingly young age, he’s funny and dumb and a total himbo as well as an excellent advisor bc of how grounded he is.

Why I don’t: I’m... not really good with explosive people. Violent men with loud voices especially scare me, and I’d think I’d flinch around him a lot and that would make me rlly anxious.

Favorite episode: it’s a toss-up between the Seirin fam visiting his place for the first time (is it where Kuroko confesses his love to him and then passes out in his arms? idk), and the onsen episode. I also loved all his plays against Kise and Aomine. AND the training camp w him running a lot in the sand.

Favorite season/movie: season 2 probably because he’s not a jerk anymore, but he’s still on his way to shed off any asshole behavior stuck to him. And I actually liked Last Game?

Favorite line: “There’s no such thing as useless effort.” and “This is our drama and we write the plot.” because he’s so ridiculous.

Favorite outfit: all of his casual fits... comfy but manly is my Jam

OTP: AoKaga....they’re truly soulmates, star-crossed lovers, canonically brought together by fate.

Brotp/otp no. 2: KagaKuro, I love them

Head Canon: I have several collections because I think too much about this boy, but here’s something I think about his family: he doesn’t know what happened to his mom. He never asked, because it wasn’t relevant, and he didn’t want to inconvenience his dad by questioning him. Occasionally, as a kid he felt like he was missing out on something (seeing other kids with their moms, feeling like they’re being treated with much more gentle care because they have moms), but as he grew older he realized that nurturing behavior shouldn’t have been limited to only a mother, and that he was just straight up neglected without any regards to missing a parent in his life.

Unpopular opinion: I never realized this was an unpopular opinion but I’m glad he went back to America at the end of Last Game. Obviously, it’s sad that he had to separate from the others, but I felt like Japanese basketball has always been just a stepping point to him, and now that he’d beat the best of them, it was time to move on. And it also warms my heart that him getting scouted in the US gave Aomine hope to aim big, too. I felt like both of them would’ve felt trapped in Japan with their skill sets.

A wish: I want him to be happy and gay and to confront Himuro and tell him how hurt he was by how he treated him and probably do the same to his dad too

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: ....whatever I’d say Shinsun has probably written it/will write it, but I don’t want him to forget about the GoM just because he becomes a world-famous athlete.

5 words to best describe them: sweet child with anger issues

My nickname for them: not mine (it’s Sypha’s) but “Kags”, Kagami, Tigerboy, Kagababe, Baby

Why I like Momoi: she is SO nurturing and sweet and she cares so much about her boys!! I’m sorry it always turns into “how they remind me of myself” but actually I get feeling like a background character and being the moral/emotional/physical support of those who are more talented or in any way better than you. I feel a strange kind of kinship with her and also,,, feminine girls make my heart stop, and it doesn’t get more feminine than Momoi. Added: Aomine aside, the Touou team wouldn’t worth shit without her skills tbh, and she’s not in any way less than the GoM. Also, I appreciate her being the one person to try to keep their friend group together.

Why I don’t: Analytical People Scare me like!! how do u know stuff people are Unknowable!! I usually am also irked by her pointing out Riko’s breast size but I can just pretend that’s in a gay way (maybe Momoi likes girls with small boobs and she’s just bad at flirting) (also I don’t exactly liked her calling Aomine a “ganguro” but I have too little knowledge on the use of this word to say exactly why)

Favorite episode (scene if movie): uh the one where Aomine made her cry? It really came through how much love she actually has for her friends at that one.

Favorite season/movie: she was great in all of them!!

Favorite line: I can’t remember the exact quote and Google isn’t really helpful either but the one where she made Kuroko promise they’ll always play together or something? Or that they’re gonna beat Aomine?? idk?

Favorite outfit: I like all of them but mostly I just appreciate her wearing so many hoodies, she looks so cute in them

OTP / Brotp: it’s both AoMomo. I feel like the have the most special and strongest bond in the entire series.

Head Canon: She’s never been shown to do, but I feel like she wears Aomine’s clothes a Lot. Also, they definitely have sleepovers To This Day.

Unpopular opinion: Momoi is good at basketball and she loves playing!!! But try being successful in it when ur opponents are Giants and Way More Buff than you are

A wish: I wish people appreciated her more!! Both in fandom and in canon. She’s an amazing person and she has her own skills and strengths that are rarely explored or even mentioned anywhere.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: her falling out with her boys ;-; I do not want that

5 words to best describe them: strawberry sweetheart to steal ur heart

My nickname for them: Satsuki :> I feel like it’s a little too much to call characters on their first names sometimes but hers is so cute I can’t

Why I like Alex: yet again another woman with an extensive skill set. I love her persistence and again I appreciate getting disillusioned and finding your way back to the thing you love. Also it’s just sweet that she did that by teaching (again, something I can relate to)

Why I don’t: the whole “kissing children” thing rubbed me the wrong way but again, just like Momoi’s obsession with comparing breast sizes, it’s just bad/sexist writing from Fujimaki probably

Favorite episode (scene if movie): adshg any and all where she expressed that Himuro and Kagami are equally important to her <33 that shit makes my heart burst

Favorite season/movie: she only appears towards the end of s2 and in s3 so... I guess s3?

Favorite line: its so Bad that u literally can’t find the iconic quotes of these iconic ladies anywhere but... her story on finding her passion again through teaching kids, and anytime she mentions her fondness of Kagami and Himuro.

Favorite outfit: her iconic olive green coat with the short red shorts... wtf was that I loved it.

OTP: she doesn’t really interact with people her age but I’ve heard she’s shipped with Masako Araki and I’ve seen some seriously good fanarts and like... Yes Good I’d Love To See It

Brotp: I feel like her and Himuro would be that sassy pair that Kagami tries and fails to contain and they get into all sorts of weird, absurd situations asdjs what I’m trying to say is Kagami has to bail them out of jail from time to time

Head Canon: fck me if I’m wrong but she’s the lesbian single mom of the two gay kids she reluctantly adopted from the streets

Unpopular opinion: it’s more like another headcanon, but she can dunk and she taught Kagami how to do it.

A wish: I’d love her to coach the Seirin fam more!! Pls let her be part of her children’s lives (she could also judge streetball games between the goms it would be fun)

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: anything about her being romantically involved with her pupils makes me.................no

5 words to best describe them: Beautiful Beach Blonde Basketball....goddess

My nickname for them: Alex!! sometimes An Icon

Why I like Himuro: em dash Asdgsdj I’m joking, I’m becoming more and more fond of the boy. Once I realized that he shouldn’t have been the “bigger person” in that situation and one year doesn’t really mean much when you’re that young and that hurt, I realized he’s actually a good and hard-working kid and I’m sorry for giving him so much shade. Also I really like his snark and sass, but that might not even be canon at this point tbh

Why I don’t: I’m still sort of irked by him beating down on Kagami because he was envious/mad, but I realized the aspect of that situation that Really got to me was how devoted Kagami still was to him after all that. That devotion was what felt toxic, nothing that Himuro actually did to him.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): the time they met up w Kagami just to exchange a dramatic socially distancing bro fist and a few encouraging words.... gays be Like That

Favorite season/movie: I really didn’t mind s3 Himuro

Favorite line: apparently he’s said some iconic stuff that I don’t remember (and my sources don’t seem really legit) but I’m gonna say “let’s see you become number 1, bro” because again, that’s just so ridiculous and endearing. On one hand he really went from loathing Kagami to rooting for him and wanting him to reach his full potential and on the other, honey ur  like 17 stop speaking like That

Favorite outfit: his knitted V-neck sweaters and the black coat with the white fur.... boy’s got all the fashion sense that’s missing from Kagami

OTP: can I say.....AoHimu asdfh I ship 3/4 of these characters with Aomine what does that say about me

Brotp: KagaHimu. They can be sweet, but I’ve only ever seen Jake write them really well

Head Canon: I’ve been entertaining the idea of....trans Himuro.....

Unpopular opinion: everyone thinks that Kagami is the violent kid and Himuro is the chill, sweet child who’s somehow wound up with this mess of a fiery tiger, but it’s actually Himuro who taught Kagami how to fight and Kagami learned quite a lot of aggression from him

A wish: I feel like Himuro should’ve gotten a separate episode to explore his thoughts, feelings and past. He had so much potential as a character Is2g

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: him quitting basketball would fucking destroy me. I’d be devastated for others too, but it would really pull on my heartstrings if he just dropped the only thing he’s been so passionate about.

5 words to best describe them: gender-non-conforming emo child

My nickname for them: Himu, Tatsuya, Tatsu

[captain-flint]

alright .. tell me about 911, where to watch it, why i should watch it, etc etc

hgdfglhj bold of u to assume i know how to write good and coherent reviews to inspire people to watch stuff lmao 

but i’ll try :D 

okay so

911 is a show about the first responders, the 911 dispatchers and more importantly, firefighters (and a few police officers). There are actually two shows, the original 911 and the spin-off 911: Lone Star. The premise is pretty much the same, it’s the same universe, they just take place in different cities (original in LA, spin off in Texas) and ofc with different characters. The shows focus on two firehouses, each with its own firefamily whose stories drive the plot as they deal with emergencies. The story in both is almost all about that found family trope, the relationships inside the firefam and outside of it and the importance of it. It is all so heartwarming and genuine. Some would probably say a little corny, but I think it’s truly wholesome. 

The characters have great developments, you’re bound to end up caring for all of them in one way or another because there’s real depth to them and you fall in love as you gradually get to know them. Also they’re all equally cared for, everyone gets their spotlight and a chance to shine. Their stories are actually connected from start to finish, even if it’s all being written by several writers, you can tell they all have the same vision and goal in mind. There are no plotholes, no loose plot points (as far as I know), and the writers make sure to write a clever story without making it difficult or intricate. So you get a lot of information through each season, but it’s done in a way that’s easy to follow and connect the dots, sometimes certain events are told through different POVs so you can understand the context even better, and it all gets tied up neatly at the end. It’s just really well planned out, and everything they introduce has its meaning and purpose.

Also, what’s particularly great about these shows is that they deal with real world problems without holding back anything. They introduce actual issues that plague the society and they tell them in a way that doesn’t make you miserable and feeling like they’re unsolvable. They give you hope that things can always turn for better. They take these issues, like racism and racial profiling, sexism, PTSD, or domestic abuse, and they take time to explain them. Properly. Why they’re problematic and how to deal with them and end up on top. As the characters find themselves facing those problems, you can tell that the story roots for them, it wants them to win because they’re good people. And they do. They kick ass and it’s so fucking refreshing to see them struggle and have it be worthwhile, instead of taking their hope away just for shock value and drama. 

If you care about representation, these shows handle diversity wonderfully. If you combine both main casts you have black, white, asian, latinx, lesbian, gay, trans, muslim and disabled characters. Of course diversity doesn’t end there, there’s plenty of representation in the background as well. A lot more than you’d usually find in most popular tv shows. You can tell they actually put thought into casting. So you get more female doctors, more black doctors/surgeons, black female soldiers in high ranks, lgbt+ characters/couples with emergencies, disabled workers (e.g. dispatchers or therapists). Basically, where most tv shows would go with stereotypical casting bc they’d think you wouldn’t notice since it’s just background characters, these shows try to include everyone everywhere without making a big deal of it. You know that’s a real problem when you still notice these changes for the better.

I’m sure I’m missing some other important stuff about why these shows are actually good shows, even if they fall in line with procedural tv which usually isn’t the most enlightening piece of media, but I feel like the stuff I’ve mentioned should be enough to encourage anyone to give them a try. If you want something heartwarming and sweet with a genuinely engaging plot and interesting characters and relationships, but that isn’t too difficult to watch, then this is the perfect show. I’d also suggest you start with the original 911 because it has more seasons. Lone Star only has 1 so far so it’s still developing some of these things I’ve mentioned. As to where to watch it, it’s on Fox and I think Hulu? I tor*ented the seasons bc I don’t have access to any of that and I’m poor, oops :/ 

[datleggy]

I’m autistic and one of the things I have trouble with is change. I’ve watched 911 since the third episode and now they have a second one? Idk. I’ve been seeing a lot of good things about it but I’m not sure if I want to watch it. Basically what I want to know is if it’s worth watching. Is it good? Are there any parallels between the new one and the Buck one? Who are the characters and what are they like? Will you start writing for this series instead of the other one? %

so, this got WAY longer than i thought it would, sorry!!! TL;DR is at the very very end!

tbh i didn’t wanna really give 911 lonestar a chance originally, i was lowkey annoyed bc it felt like they were like “oh u guys want buck and eddie, who are CLEARLY meant to be and have all this canon chemistry and relationship development to eventually get together??? lol NOPE but here’s a spinoff where u get ur white/latino gay ship :D”

which i do genuinely hope to god isn’t the case, like, i really need OG 911 to be like PSYCH here u go, some DIAZ-BUCKLEY fam. as a treat.

i did end up watching it bc curiosity and too many awesome gifsets finally got to me lol

and im only a couple of episodes in (haven’t had a chance to watch the 3rd ep bc of work and other things D: ) and so far i gotta say, i like the OG 911 calls that they get sent to more than 911 lonestars calls but again, im only 2 ep in, maybe they get more “woah thats crazy/hilarious/hearbreaking!” as the show goes on.

i honestly don’t see too many parallels between Buck and TK—the only thing i noticed where they’re pretty similar is how much they both enjoy easy physical contact. buck is very touchy feely and comfortable about showing affection/feelings and i feel like TK is the same regarding physical contact (with his dad at least)? but that’s about it.

for what it’s worth i do think the show is pretty entertaining and worth a watch!

my main reason for watching past the first episode is my enjoyment of the characters. i just think they’re all neat.

this is from a post i made when i first watched the show lol:

captain strand: good dad to all of his children

tk: hot gay messy boi

grace ryder: a fave, no nonsense beauty, judds better half

judd ryder: tragic big boi

captain blake: chaotic good w baby voice

marjan: wild feral messy gurl

mateo: if anybody’s mean to my SON im throwin hands bih

paul: again, if anybody’s mean to my SON im THROWIN hands

officer reyes: ready to dick tk down

here’s a more descriptive/longer summary of the characters if u wanna know more, if not skip down to the bolded sentence below lol:

owen strand is the captain (played by rob lowe) and to me he gives off chris traeger vibes (from parks and rec if u watched?) but with more depth. i like his character a lot, he’s a caring dad, seems like he knows what he’s doing, and like, c’mon, it’s rob lowe (i fell in love with him a million years ago when he played soda pop in the outsiders nipr;guebwuogrnofw)

tk is his son and a hot gay mess w some substance abuse issues (tho a lot has happened to him in only 2 ep i really don’t know how to feel about him entirely, bc besides stuff happening TO him, i don’t feel like he’s reacted in a way that shows much of his character?) idk maybe it’s just me. but he is a certified cutie so. lol

grace ryder, she’s smart (one of the only characters with more than ONE brain cell lmao) and gorgeous and an emergency 911 operator. she’s very supportive of her husband and what he’s going thru (which is A LOT), she herself has been thru a lot bc of the big incident at the beginning of the series and is still somehow held strong in spite of it all, she’s a personal fave of mine.

judd ryder is kind of a dick at first but i think its very understandable given the hell he’s been thru, im actually surprised at the amount that i like him. he’s very raw and vulnerable but has this “don’t worry im fine, back up” attitude that i loooove. 

captain blake is the captain for EMTs, she’s got this soft teeny baby voice that contradicts so hard with her give no fucks ima do what i need to to find my missing sister actions irwughqwgoriegjf i like. she’s caring and does goes out of  her way for the little guy.

marjan has ZERO chill but in a good way, i can already absolutely see her getting into trouble by doing some crazy impulsive thing on a call in order to rescue someone—-TBH she actually reminds me a lot of Buck from OG 911 in that way. like yea she’s reckless and impulsive but u can tell its bc she CARES and this firefighting thing is what she’s meant to do. i really like her.

mateo—-OH MAN. he’s 10000000% my favorite. it hurts me everytime he’s on screen, bc he’s such a sweet and HARD WORKING man and he deserves to be a firefighter and do what he wants/has been waiting for for so long, im so HAPPY captain strand gives him a chance. i think he might have some learning disability or maybe he grew up in a household where maybe his family was too busy or didn’t care to check up on how he was doing in school and they neglected to see how much he was struggling—this is all just pure speculation from the fact that on the show he tells captain strand during the interview that he’s always passed the physical exam to be a firefighter but keeps failing the written part :( i love my son.

paul is a trans firefighter who’s mainly known for his crazy good observational skills in the field—there’s an ep—ep 2?—that shows off his talent but like, i found it unintentional funny bc the way they did it was in a scene that honestly truly felt to me like a scene I MYSELF would write in a fanfiction if i wanted to show off a cool skill the character has but was also too lazy to make it look good???? lmaoooo im not trying to be mean but like, if u do watch it, its the 2nd ep i believe, the “office meeting” scene. other than that tho there’s only been a few scenes with paul in it (my personal fave being the skin care routine scene lol) but i look forward to more scenes of my son being a lil sherlock holmes :)

officer reyes is tk’s potential new mans. he seems like a good cop from what little ive seen of him doing police work. so, i saw a post someone made basically saying how ugly are the men in texas that officer reyes is out here thirsting over tk so HARD—and not to be rude, but he really is!!!! reyes is a goodlookin guy, so idk what’s up with that, maybe he likes messy bois? bc same.

p.s. im not sure how to feel about reyes and tk together yet bc it doesn’t really seem as if they have too much chemistry. hopefully that changes? i do kinda like that they haven’t started off their potential relationship on the best of foots, bc i love drama, an indisputable fact.

ONTO THE FINAL QUESTION!

OG 911 will always be my first love and i just don’t see this changing anytime soon. buddie will always be the #1 ship in my heart! and i have about a gazillion awesome prompts i need to work on so me switching over to 911 lonestar isn’t gonna happen. i love OG 911 way too much iuqhur4ogfoie3jwnwjinioj

tho i may occasionally—per the request of prompts i’ve gotten in the last week or so–take a couple of the characters from 911 lonestar and put them in a 911 fic as a crossover? we’ll see.

this ended up soooo long oruhibgruoeqwp i hope some of it helped tho?

tl;dt: 911 lonestar seems fun and the characters are interesting enough to keep me entertained so i say give it a chance  :)

[smores100]

once again we’re in full agreement lol. What’s your take on s3 remakes you’ve watched? Wondering how you feel about Skam FR as it’s kind of a similar situation to me where the chemistry & beauty is there but the writing and style is iffy (overwrought &overdramatic). My favorite s3 is druck. As a wlw I had high hopes for españa but it was p slow/v desexualized—a whole discussion, but my other gay friend & I were disappointed given how remakes with guys don’t hold back in that respect.. Thoughts?

Honestly re: wtfock tho I really do wonder if they had like one good writer in the room surrounded by fools. Bc it really does feel like some group projects I’ve been in where I feel like I’m the only one who’s not a fucking fool and carry the whole thing while having to fend off bad ideas (but when the majority rules, those bad ideas/execution get put in). I wonder if that’s what happened w wtfock.

re: wtfock, lol group projects are the worst….idk what wtfock’s writing process was like, but i’d love to know it. according to their wiki there were 3 writers this season? all seem to be male, naturally. did the two other writers have good ideas but there was a main writer who overruled them and did his own thing? or maybe they’re the rl one brain cell squad, that would explain a lot :p in any case, i’m unimpressed (friday’s clips did not help with that).

as for the other part of your ask….oh damn i have so many Thoughts on that, lol. this is probably gonna get long and messy, but you asked for it!

* druck - my absolute favorite. it’s the only one i’ve watched since s1, so that definitely played a part in my emotional investment and attachment. still, there was more to it than that. it was the closest to og imo in vibe and style (it felt small, real, lowkey, quiet, natural like og, as opposed to - as you said - overwrought and overdramatic + overproduced like the others); they cast an actual trans guy to play a trans character, if you wanna talk about a skam remake doing something REVOLUTIONARY? druck is the one; i loved matteo’s and david’s characterizations, how they both had a bit of isak and even in them, and the role reversal in some scenes, made things feel fresh *and* fit their characters/story; i LOVE that teens matteo and david were played by actual teens michi and lukas!! they’ve completely ruined me for all other remakes, bc thissssss is how it’s supposed to be! thisssss is how it should look like! THEY ARE KIDDOS. and they (druck and michi/lukas) truly captured what it’s like to be young and fall in love for the first time, the awkwardness and the nervousness and stuttering and fumbling around, the softness and pureness and innocence of it all!!! also they have THE BEST dynamic - other people might prefer all the hot kissing and steamy making out and the smouldering looks, but me? i just couldn’t get enough of their dumb chaotic energy, best friends who love each other deeply and are also constantly little shits to one another. gimme them pranking each other and playfighting every day! and then being soft and THE HANDS and matteo being a clingy koala basking in david’s affection :3 i also loved how for the most part they didn’t just copy/paste og’s storyline, they made some changes and knew how to make *other* changes accordingly for it to make sense and fit the story *they* were telling - for example, replacing the ‘call your gf’ scene with matteo’s panic attack/breakdown (one of my fave scenes), or their reunion at the end of ep 7 (replacing the desperate kissing + sex with a comforting and relieved yet also bittersweet and melancholic hug), or even matteo getting advice from his drug dealer instead of the school’s doctor, lol. also THE BEST BOY SQUAD, hands down. and matteo is my favorite isak bc to me he felt like his own character instead of just another isak, he was different and reletable and a constant Mood. that being said - it wasn’t perfect and it had its issues. there were a few times when i did feel they stuck too close to og scenes and it didn’t *entirely* work for me, just felt a bit off; i will forever be disappointed that they didn’t directly address and acknowledge matteo’s mental state/depression, bc there were enough signs imo to indicate that he did suffer from something. they mentioned ‘therapy’ in mia’s, alex’s and kiki’s cases, i truly thought they would with matteo as well, but alas, they dropped the ball on that one; i was extremely upset with david’s outing, but i’ve since calmed down and have managed to see it in a more positive light, tho i still have mixed feelings about it and am not fully on board with that decision, still wish it had been done differently (but at least! it wasn’t brushed off and was addressed immediately and eventually led to david having agency and yelling out his pain!!! which was good and important and cathartic); also eps 8 and 9 were pretty messy writing-wise, things either didn’t make sense or would’ve made more sense had the clips were organized differently (that random ping pong clip….?). overall tho, the good outweighed the bad, and it remains my fave

* skam france - now that’s a tricky one. the way i felt about it in the first half of the season, is different from the way i felt about it in the second half of the season, is different from the way i feel about ever since watching druck’s s3. it’s funny you should say how similar it is to wtfock for you, bc i’ve been thinking the same thing for quite some time. those neighboring countries sure have a shared flair for the dramatic! fr’s s3 was pretty much the first s3 i watched (i gif-watched half of skamit, couldn’t get into it). i wasn’t planning to (i was extremely unimpressed by the couple of s1 eps i tried watching, and same by axel’s acting in those first two seasons), but even is the loml and they got me gooood with their eliott pov trailer, which might have affected my excitement over it during the first half. back then i really enjoyed it for the most part, despite some clips being rushed or missing the point thus not fully having the required effect (their locker room scene, for example, or the ‘generalizations are bad’ convo), or how much i hated basile (a character so obviously written by a man it’s amazing), or the cheesy piano music. there were enough good things for me to focus on instead (more in a bit) that i could ignore the things i didn’t like or weren’t as good imo. however, all the positivity got sucked out of me when yann noped tf out after lucas came out to him bc WAY TO MISS THE POINT OF SKAM!!! and things went downhill after the director’s IT’S NOT DISNEYLAND IT’S FRANCE 2019 comment. i’m getting all upset just thinking about it, but to say *that*, to explain that horrendous decision bc lowkey homophobic reactions are realistic!!! only to THEN be all ‘haha jk yann isn’t homophobic! we just wanted you to *think* he was! he’s actually an awesome friend who took several days to reflect on all his past wrongdoings while his bff was at home having a nervous breakdown bc he believed his bff hated him!’ ughhhhhhhhh, miss me with that shit. great that they had yann apologizing for his past comments, but the way in which it was done was for pure shock value and angst, completely ooc for his character (all season he was all ‘tell me tell me tell me let me help let me help let me help’ only to do *that*?? nahh), and interesting how out of everyone the only black character was the only one with a negative reaction (remind you of anyone), highlighted even more during ep 7 aka the ott lucas coming out tour. then ep 8, that should have been 100% all lucas and eliott and building up to eliott’s manic episode suddenly had that weird random pov changing clip in the middle of it which truly wtf, basile was still basile, lucas thanked chloe for outing him, more scenes felt rushed, they had sex in school where people could come and go in front of huge windows in broad daylight and luckily didn’t get poisoned from licking all that paint! and i did not like the flatshare, i absolutely hated mika and lisa kicking lucas out of his room - which he pays rent for! - and manon not even trying to put up a fight, and them being like ‘roommate isn’t just a place, it’s a way of living. that’s a family, and you’re more like a cousin.’ ‘a second cousin.’ ughhhhhh and then when eliott was recovering from his depressive episode, they *still* didn’t give lucas his room back or at least let eliott stay there, he was sleeping on the couch, i’m aldjlajdafj. can’t believe i’m gonna say it, but TAKE NOTES FROM WTFOCK. tl;dr there were some good moments in the second half, but i was feeling bitter more often than not about certain things, so my enjoyment wasn’t as high as when it first started. and after watching druck, druck’s brand is definitely much more my style. plus, i was already struggling with making myself believe axel and maxence were in their teens, but after druck it’s completely impossible, so i just pretend they’re in college or something lol. all my issues with it aside, i’d still rate it higher than wtfock, bc overall the writing was better, more coherent, and made much more sense. i also liked lucas’ friendship with the girls; i loved that instead of copying the underwater kiss + 21:21 like some others have, they came up with their own thing i.e. polaris, which i thought was lovely; the lucas/manon crying in the middle of the night together in front of the tv was one of my fave scenes of the season; also love how we were introduced to eliott on the first week! and they spent time together! and specifically the piano playing scene, ohhhh; and in general elu are sweet and i reeeeally like axel and maxence and their friendship. so yeah, it had some major issues, but i’d rather have a coherent story with something done for shock value and drama ONCE than an incoherent story with several shock value moments.

* skam espana - sorry to hear you girls were disappointed! i only watched half of it, so i can only comment on what i saw. i decided to binge watch s1 and give s2 a shot when i heard they were giving cris isak’s story - it felt a bit weird to me, but it was also something different and new, and i did have an appreciation for their decision to have a wlw season (also much more revolutionary to me than showing a gay bashing), so i was intrigued and willing to try it. sadly i didn’t really vibe with s1? it’s totally a personal preference i think, maybe even a cultural thing idk, but it felt very fast and loud and hectic to me, idrk how to explain it. i was just more into the chill more lowkey vibe of druck and skamnl. but i still gave s2 a shot, and idk, it still wasn’t my cup of tea. i thought it was ok for the most part, but there were some things that bothered me - joana/cris felt underdeveloped to me? and things b/w them felt like they were moving so fast from the second they met, like jona was so intense and forward ALL THE TIME, they had like 6 almost kisses in a really short time, like shhh slow down. i remember disliking their ‘call your gf’ scene, it felt really petty and kinda mean to me? bc i felt like joana came on to cris *really* strongly and *very* frequently, so cris was more than entitled to feel hurt and betrayed when she found out joana had a bf, but then cris was kissing a dude and joana positioned herself and her bf in front of cris so she’d see them kissing too, and i just didn’t like bc seriously?? cris is valid, just apologize to her and explain?? idr much else tbh, they had some really cute and sweet scenes afterwards, i’m still against doing the underwater kiss + 21:21 so i was kinda meh about that (tho aesthetically speaking it was BEAUTIFUL, and i’m like, fiiiiine girls deserve an underwater kiss too, i’ll allow it just this once!), and that cuddling clip in ep 6 i think was sweet and the last one i watched. like i said, i was less vibing with this remake, and iirc it was going on during druck’s s3 and skamnl’s s2 - which were my faves, plus skamfr was on too i think and i was lowkey following it too, so….there was just too much all at once and something had to go, and it was skamesp. it was also around the time when panaphobia-gate happened, so *shrugs* i’m not wlw myself so your opinion on it being desexualized is probably more valid than mine? i just know when i did watch, there was a lot of kissing and making out and being cute and touchy with each other, so i thought it was ok? as i’ve mentioned before, i don’t need to see a naked butt or anything like that to *get* it lol, i thought they were lovely! but that’s just me. i will say that my faaaave part was most definitely the cris/amira friendship. they were so wonderful! one of the best skam friendships imo. i might one day go back and finish the season just for the heck of it, but they didn’t do anything major or highly offensive that made me have negative feelings towards it, it was just a personal preference + circumstances (too many remakes!) that made me be less into it and drop it before the end.

[nevergenders]

i’m having a shitty day so i wrote a long post about why i love set it off & their fans

disclaimer that i’m just writing from personal experience!!

not to be that guy but the set it off fanbase is literally the most supportive and healthy fanbase i have ever encountered. like every fanbase has its scary parts but like. like for comparison i’m used to a certain comfort level i have being in a specific corner of the mcr fanbase with other people who are like older teens to like mid 20s generally, like we’ve all been here for a while and we’re all queer as fuck. i found a good corner of the fanbase i feel comfortable in but theres still parts of the mcr fanbase i wouldn’t even touch and there’s still fans who are disrespectful to the members or don’t respect boundaries.

i also want to share my brief stint with the pentatonix twitter fanbase just for comparison - i was really frustrated that there weren’t many ptx fans on tumblr, so i broke my own rule and made a stan twitter account. i followed a shit ton of accounts in hopes of making a circle or gaining some mutuals... i think about 7 people followed back. i kept interacting and replying to people i wanted to be friends with - most of them never replied, the few that did didn’t really pay any attention to me. not to mention there was also a very clique-y element of this fanbase - theres a groupchat where each member has around 1k twitter followers or something because they were THAT popular among fans. and the members of ptx play favorites too - one of them has almost 4k followers bc he’s The Favorite. i also had the experience of watching a popular art account get pretty much excommunicated from the fanbase because someone got some dirt on them from when they were TWELVE. i deleted my twitter app for like a day because it was so freaky to watch happen. i really never “fit in” with that community.

with set it off, the band members set a good environment for everyone. they set the same kind of basis mcr does of love and acceptance. i’m not even technically nestled into a part of the fanbase, i was just embraced and welcomed by twitter fans when i almost passed out at the show in march. i gained a few awesome mutuals i love. jokes are all made in good humor. i mostly lurk on stan twitter but i’ve never seen any SERIOUS drama. most of the drama i’ve seen has been caused by non-sio fans. when the fans have issues with something, the band listens and takes appropriate action. literally all of the band members are cishet but they’ve learned to be really good allies and have developed a pretty large queer following because of it (a lot of trans people especially, which i wish i could explain but i love it). maxx danziger is probably a big reason for this, he said gender is a social construct and he wears his hair in ponytails sometimes and paints his nails and he’s very soft.... i fucking love him. they call it a set it off family but i really do feel it, i’ve never felt so connected with a band by being part of the fanbase. props to set it off for creating such a great environment. i also won’t lie - there are a few bad apples i’ve met i guess? most of which weren’t even that bad. the ONE truly bad experience i’ve had was one person who injured my friend at a show for one of maxx’s drumsticks but if i’m giving her the benefit of the doubt she was probably caught up in adrenaline and didn’t realize she could hurt someone, it was just seriously a dick move to take it from the person who caught it by yanking it out of their hand as hard as you can and getting your friends to also help.

i also do want to share what happened after i almost passed out at a show - zach tweeted about how awesome the crowd was while it happened, and i responded saying that i was gonna be okay. the amount of fans that checked on me to make sure i was okay was kind of astounding. i gained about 20 twitter followers, which i don’t really understand. several people who were at the show reached out to see if i was still at the venue or to see if i wanted videos of the songs i missed. so many people went through all my tweets from that night to make sure i was okay. a bunch of people sent me nice messages of well wishes. i understandably felt really shitty from almost passing out but all of that support emotionally made me feel so much better.

at this point this is turning into an appreciation post for just set it off in general, but it really is because of them that their fanbase is so awesome. not only do i feel loved and supported by other fans, i also feel loved and supported by them. cody checked up on me after that show and commented on my instagram post about it and said “so glad you’re okay. love you!” which honestly made me almost cry. i also was told that if it weren’t for security, cody would have called an ambulance for me and maxx would have come down to help me. i also received a drumstick and some guitar picks after the show. cody has also always been super supportive about my covers, commenting on my first set it off mashup (and then sending it to the band groupchat), retweeting my second one (and then following me back??????), and i think he also sent my guitar cover of breathe in breathe out to the groupchat because he, zach, and dan all liked it and it made me want to cry because i felt so fucking supported and loved. also in february when i met them, i gave them a letter where i told cody i wasn’t giving up on my dreams because of him, and then later during the show instead of standing on top of the crowd like normally does during the bridge of the haunting he just went straight for my hand during the bridge and held it until the song went back into the chorus again, which also made me feel extremely loved and supported in an “i’m rooting for you and i love and support you” kind of way. and of course if you’ve been paying attention to my blog you may know that cody said i could perform a song onstage with them - it hasn’t happened yet but it’ll probably happen sooner or later, and it means so much to me that he takes me seriously as a musician and not just a fan. i’ve never felt this connected, this loved by any band. i’ve never felt like a band member was my friend but at this point cody feels like a friend.

these guys take extra effort to reach out and listen to the fans, to make sure they return the same kind of love that we give them. they’re tons of fun and they’re fucking hilarious, and they’re all about honesty and love. not to mention their songs fucking slap.

tldr; set it off fans are fucking awesome because set it off is fucking awesome.

[cloneslugs]

oh fuck u sent me multiple so demo/engie/medic/scout and also u can do the one i already sent

ty i love you

Demo

favorite thing about them

he’s super fun!!! but also really smart and caring and just an all around cool dude he’s like B) !

least favorite thing about them

this isnt about him personally lol but like official stuff(comics) lighten the fuck out of his skin and its like. dont

favorite line

i didnt even see this question when i first did this wtf but uh all his “i love you” esque lines are really excellent

brOTP

exclusing soldier lol!!! probably sniper or engie!!

OTP

soldier :’)

nOTP

besides scout & pyro & just like. looking at just the mercs no one really demo deserves love

random headcanon

he likes turtles a lot & just reptiles/amphibians in general just in a kinda neat/favorite animal type way nothing special, he gets around with engie and sniper and they all get drunk and they talk about cryptids, he has a super big heart he loves love, outside of the battlefield he’s pretty apprehensive and cautious moreso than lots of the others at least, he doesnt push himself to be it often just bc he doesnt like leaderly positions but he defo has one of the more valid voices of reason amongst all of them, he loves to help and just listen to people he’s always ready to offer you a drink and take a load off and just talk things out & he’s super chill and easy to talk to anyway, he comes off as really lazy but he can jump up and make do when he needs to

unpopular opinion

idk whats considered popular or not on here lol but like!! he’s not just stupid silly drunk man he’s actually got heart and is pretty intelligent & like probably one of the better off mercs if he wanted himself to be

song i associate with them (this is literally the worst question im so bad at this if i dont have lots n lots of searching time and also i forget all music ever)

cheap thrills - sia

favorite picture of them (sorry 4 bg edits im doing what i have on hand lol)

hes so fucking happy i love you!!!

Engie

favorite thing about them

he’s my fucking husband he makes my heart fucking soar!!! he’s a quiet little sweetheart and he’s just really smart and nice and has morals iusdahui

least favorite thing about them

fucking nothing you animals 

favorite line

all his fucking nerdy engineering lines are so fucking good ;____; he’s so smart and passionate god“i love engines! pinion shafts! flanges. mitigating shock loads. but most of all: i love winnin’!” “they won’t know what hit ‘em! though it’ll likely to be bullets. statistically speaking” theres more but im like ;___; just thinking about him ah

brOTP

medic babey!!!!!! i have a thing for shitty best friends that tire each other out (especially on one side) but love each other at the end of the day and are just ride or diepyro also but for completely different reasons :-)

OTP

spy is fucking excellent -.- dont @ me

nOTP

soldier lol (excluding pyro & scout)

random headcanon

i think all the mercs are autsitic but engie is one of my fucking fav ahhhhh, he and medic info dump for hours especially where their special interests overlap and it gets really boring if youre not one of them lol, he loves learning but he hated school so much ):, he has pretty bad anxiety but only under certain circumstance, he’s kinda jealous that spy gets to automatically be seen as a paternal figure bc of scout and he kinda wishes he could settle in like that but he also doesnt think he’d be very good at it for a very prolonged amount of time, he loves math!!!! he loves numbers a lot he associates it with lots of fun and colors and just !!!!! wow wow!!, he has really really really high empathy when it comes to machines and stuff, he loves dogs especially smaller ones, he really loves to fidget w/ tools and stuff bc he always has one on hand and theres lots you can do with some of them, he’s really lazy and has a hard time applying himself sometimes

unpopular opinion

the comics really brush him aside i need to see him more please for the love of god he’s just as interesting as anyone else also fat engie is the only valid engie & also soldier/engie is fucking forced and weird idk where it comes from except they wear hats lol & also people call engie short but if you dont make him 5′00 give or take 3 inches youre doing it wrong and i cant stand by it

song i associate with them

this is like. also a soldier song for me lol but Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - the decemberists

favorite picture of them

ms pauling and medic!! his buddies :) also i just love the shadowboxers art

his fly costume makes me so ;___; i love you little man

also i hate to default to beard engie but this is literally the sexiest man alive

Medic

favorite thing about them

i have a thing for shitty men with halfway decent hearts but are trying(sometimes) okay like okay he’s so chaotic and bad but ;___; i love you

least favorite thing about them

this mostly applies to his Meet the vid but he comes off as really apathetic and cruel? i think in everything else he comes off as a bit nicer if not absentminded and not too socially aware which is :)

favorite line

bro when he warns heavy about that gun in the comix? gay rights U__U also the like “you can take the brain out of the criminal and put it in a pumpkin, but you cant take the criminal out of the brain in the pumpkin” or whatever shit sir i love you

brOTP

engie baby!!!! i also really like spy & sniper bc im weak for shitty support relationships i think med just works really good w/ everyone really in some way

OTP

heavy baby!!!

nOTP

all of the mercs are fine (excluding the usual lol) but like cHeavymed people are freaks die

random headcanon

he has really poor eating & sleeping habits he almost relies on everyone else to keep him alive, he’s autistic & he’s jewish but not really practicing, he pulls & tugs on things when he’s stressed, he’s actually really smart medically he just doesn’t like showing it/messing w/ people (it makes some of the smarter mercs nervous lol), when he gets bored & has nothing to play with he digs for drama he loves to start unnecessary arguments that have no value whatssoever, he’s scared of dogs, he only trusts sniper & maybe heavy to handle his birds if he were to die, heavy & archimedes are like mega comfort objects(?) for him !!, he’s kinda really bad at showing he likes/cares for people, this goes especially hard on engie ):, he has a really big sweet tooth, he cant cook, he doesnt ever censor himself and can be pretty rude, he’s an open book and has no sense of integrity, he got super attached to heavy right off the bat for seemingly no reason and it was just super awkward lol, he gets distracted really easily and drops projects too often when he gets bored/forgets, his room is a mess he doesnt know how to do chores, he’s trans and hasnt done anything to medically transition but he handles everyone on team who is 

unpopular opinion

he’s not a fucking sociopath lol like he has a heart and cares he just has a hard time differentiating right from wrong and doesnt think things out i love you

song i associate with them

this is my emo music time i keep changing this but im gonna go It Was A Swift Not A Swallow - Crywank

favorite picture of them

i cant pick between these two he’s saving his fucking boyfriends life & also the 2nd he just looks so peaceful and :)

Scout

favorite thing about them

he’s a sweet boy!!! he just wants friends and he’s stuck with a bunch of middle aged men we have to love his endurance also he’s a little baby faced menace i love you

least favorite thing about them

in the canon i ignore lol.. too straight we cant have that

favorite line

all his lines talking about how the group of them are all best friends and stuff??? i love that

brOTP

sniper !!!! also spy also everyone

OTP

no one really lol pyro is like. the only one im comfy w/

nOTP

sniper lol if we’re talking popular things & all the rest of the mercs really

random headcanon

he’s a super sweet boy who loves everyone on the team, he warmed up the fastest out of all of them and became super attached!!, he really wants a base dog, he really likes to spend time with everyone and listen to them talk like he loves sitting with engie and having him explain nerdy engineering nonsense that he’ll never get but he tries to but its just fun seeing how excited the other person is!!!, he became super close to sniper right off the bat for some reason which is weird bc scout can talk forever and sniper doesn’t know how to hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes but they like hanging out even if it gets tiring, he lives off of sugary drinks medic keeps telling him to stop, he loves to hang out w/ spy and they get on each others nerves but really enjoy it at the end of the day, he has little to no sense of boundaries, he loves to give hugs!!, he really tries to engage with everyone’s interests like i said he just loves making/seeing other people happy, he loves being part of big groups it always just feels like a big family to him

unpopular opinion

he gay :)

song i associate with them

the calculation - regina spektor

favorite picture of them

trans rights!!!

Soldier

favorite thing about them

he is a sweetheart he is my big stupid husband and we both love raccoons =.=

least favorite thing about them

the patriotism……  we arent having that

favorite line

he’s literally so fucking funny especially all his things w/ merasmus and just. everything

brOTP

excluding demo uh !!! SPY!!!! :D

OTP

demo :)

nOTP

engie x.x

random headcanon

he’s super sweet !!! he loves his friends so much, he loves to show off his raccoons to everyone :), he bonds w/ sniper over wildlife(raccoons), everyone has a lot of patience w/ him bc he struggles to communicate things a lot and kinda needs his time to get points across, he’s actually really observant and it would be really good if he just didnt jump to wild conclusions based off of it all the time, he’s really conscious of his actions and how they affect others like he’s kinda violent impulsively but hes taken note of who is and isnt okay with it or who’s okay w/ him saying what in front of them, he’s really protective of his friends!!! he knows theyre capable but he loves looking out for them, he loves to drag them off on fitness expeditions/training but he tires out before a good number of them/gets bored, he wakes up the earlies he loves the mornings, he can cook but nobody knows it, like scout he loves to indulge in what other people like but he’s more handson he loves to screw in screws for engie or hand medic tools or read out loud to spy or heavy or show sniper things he catches/turn over rocks with him, he loves medics birds but doc wont let him touch them ):, he wants to get a base dog too, he has no volume or tone control, probably the best hugger, he’s kinda shy about personal things like himself in general or being trans & liking guys he’s actually pretty decent at keeping personal things to himself not that he wouldnt share it just feels weird, 

unpopular opinion

he’s not just like shouty mean stupid man,,, he’s actually really sweet 

song i associate with them

rejoice- AJJ 

favorite picture of them

i have worse naked honey pics but this is fucking it lads gay rights

[littlezas2]

something that was nice about xmas was that my lil brother had a visit from rehab and something came up in him talking about his life there these past couple months and he mentioned a trans woman being there recently and referred to her as she and mentioned she stayed with the women when one of my other bros n his wife asked questions and they all immediately used correct pronouns without hesitation – which means a lot to me bc that bro n his wife are mormon and we live in utah county of utah ( which basically has all the mormons and is influenced by them etc ) - also a bunch of my family ( much of it also mormon ) was in the room for the conversation and nobody seemed fazed by the topic

like im 33yo kinda nb and definitely not straight but have never dared mention any of that to anyone in my family ( tho i think my sister is aware of my ‘ inconsistent ’ dating history ? ) but ive always just felt like id rather live privately n die without them knowing those things ( and a million others ) about me ( in general i just dont care for most ppl knowing that much about me ) and i think maybe part of that was just not wanting to create waves or even tiny ripples in a p chill pond ( my fam is for the most part so laid back and not about the drama lmao. like dramatic situations arise but we just usu want solutions and not to have arguments or anything ) but it was nice seeing verification that my fam is p open despite being mormon ( and despite my parents listening to f*x news lmao ) ... so even if those things about me never do come up its nice knowing it would be more ok than i would have predicted c:

[hackedmotionsensors]

Im not updated enough w the ships but did stony get wincested? I mean like. In the SPN fandom the biggest ship if not only at first was wincest, and then a new ship appeared called destiel and totally overpowered it? Thered be the common drama of ship wars but i wanted to know if thats what happened?

lol I guess!?!?! Kind of. I don’t think it was so much of an overpowering as it was a massive butting of heads. SteveTony is still a very big ship but Stucky is also a very popular ship though fairly new since most of it stems only from MCU. Kind of different than a ship encompassing only a TV show.

So here’s what happened. The full damned story. Probably fft. its gonna be a long one folks so strap in. This isn’t really a call out but if you were curious as to why there’s so much damned fighting in the marvel fandom over really dumb shit this is an unbiased as possible explanation. Beware. I think the whole thing is dumb but I got some extra time right now.

Back in 2006 and 2007 Marvel Comics decided to have an event. You probably heard about it and they made a big movie about it. Civil War. Civil War was promoted as being a huge rift that cut down through the lines of the Marvel 616 Universe. Do you register and be accounted for your actions as a super human, or do you protect the privacy of yourself and your loved ones in an effort to fight without the limitations of government and the fear you might be policed and punished just for having powers AND put your family at risk of Supervillains (many who are tech geniuses) accessing your information and attacking your loved ones.

That was the premise. What it ended up being was a huge divorce between Steve and Tony. Like LEGIT it read as this HUGE divorce. They’ve fought many times before but they always sort of end up back together as buds. Now as fandom we took that full stop as they are clearly in love. They are divorced.

And now Steve is dead. LETS FIX IT. So since 2006-2007 a huge wave of new fans started writing fanfic. Started doing fanart. We got horny Commander Rogers when Steve eventually came back. Tony wiped his brain and we got fics from that. Steve creates his own team and refuses to give Thor and Tony to Luke to use as Avengers.

Then in 2008 Iron Man 1 is released. A bit later Captain America is released. Having known about the comics before and the rift between the two this is where yours truly gets involved. *Smash bros voice LYDIA HAS ENTERED THE HORNY GAME* 

Captain America being released is also I believe the start of Steve/Bucky. Because in this universe Bucky isn’t a small child/teenager (A Robin to Cap’s Batman) so its less gross. (All things being honest I definitely drew bottom steve with young Bucky hohoho ho)

So then in 2012 Avenger 1 is released. And there’s a fresh wave of MCU fans. A lot came over from being 616/Ultimates fans but a lot were brand spanking new fans. 

And then Winter Soldier was released. And it was a big gay romance between Cap and Bucky and the power of LOOVE!!!! AND FRIENDSHIPP!!!!!! Like in the WInter Soldier comics Steve has to use a cosmic cube to free Bucky’s mind and in the movie all it took was Steve Can-do attitude and his pure kokoro.  Its great.

However. This is when TENSIONS RISE. Stucky being a relatively new ship and SteveTony being a fairly old ship have one common denominator and that’s Steve. And its the typical well this ship is better than that ship. This ship is older than that ship. This ship has more MEANING than that ship. This ship is PROBLEMATIC. And its been going on to this day. It escalated again when Civil War came out. Becaus Civil War is supposed to be a Steve movie but reads as an Avengers movie. But the big point of the movie is like in the comics the splitting of Steve and Tony. A big damned divorce. Now is that divorce a divorce because they can’t find a common ground, or is it that Steve’s love for Bucky over-rides his rational thought and makes him fairly hypocritical because well shit he just loves Bucky so much. He says it to Wanda “Rumlow said Bucky and I...”

It was a movie just asking for shipping wars to happen.

So that’s WHERE this stems from. But here’s the issue. I have no doubt there are plenty of SteveTony fans causing just as much shit as anyone else. But at least from my experience, the Stucky fans have been far and wide more aggressive in harassing artists, even artists who don’t speak English as a first language, harassing the actors, harassing the comic book writers and artists who don’t have anything to do with movies, claiming that they’re homophobic for wanting to have a story with Bucky (who is still in love with Natasha [and that’s a whole other ship war there]) team up with Hawkeye (who is also still mostly in love with Natasha) to hunt down Natasha. When the author said “Hey this story doesn’t have gay people in it unfortunately but here are a list of comics that have gay characters in it” they ignored them and continued saying they were being transphobic. Because the person happened to be a trans man and disagreeing with them was transphobia. Which had nothing to do with what had happened at all. They’re the same fans that in person and over radio harass Sebastian Stan so much that he has to hide who he’s dating. 

They’re the same types of fans who call me a hateful cunt (which..probably true lbr) but I haven’t done anything recently. They’re the types of fans who come up to me at a con and whisper “Are you a stucky or a stony fan” And I (Because I was raised right) tell them “Oh I like both but I have a preference for Stony”. And then the person walks away. I’ve had friends tell me of their own horror stories at artist alleys where Stucky fans will open a book (clearly labeled as stevetony) go “UGH GROSS” and then put it down.

They’re the types of fans who refuse to watch an Iron Man movie but will say things like “I wish Tony would get captured and tortured by Hydra so he would know what Bucky felt like” (Which...omg that’s literally the first 20 minutes of the first iron man and the start of the MCU my dude)

They’ve attacked Thorki (and other ships and don’t get me wrong I get why people would complain about Thorki. Thorki;s generally know and don’t care about those complaints)

They’ve made entire articles on CBR, on Polygon on other internet news pages, as editors they’ve had some feisty tweets that causes some fans to worry that storylines they were enjoying (ex: Bucky/Natasha’s relationship) will get lost and destroyed in favor of a ship.

Now generally. This isn’t anything unusual. These fans exist in every fandom. And I have Stucky friends, (My BFF, one of my coworkers) and we get along just fine. Because we’re old ass ladies who realize that a ship doesn’t define our life. I think Stucky has some of the most jaw droppingly beautiful artwork this fandom has produced.

They just unfortunately have a lot of bad apples that seem to have only time to hassle other people and try to tear down other fans and have the loudest voices.

Also I’m 1000000% not saying that SteveTony fans probably don’t start as much shit as the rest but from my experience and from what I’ve seen SteveTony fans only ever bitch about Stuckys after the fact. After they’ve been hassled or saw something that was really rude or very non-canon complaints (if that last bit makes sense)

Oddly enough it kind of died down a little with the MCU killing half of the cast including Bucky (he’ll be fine I’m sure). But occassionally someone gets a lot of built up energy and wants to come into my ask box and tell me that I’m an elitist shipper.

PERSONALLY. I like to think of SteveTony and Stucky as Coke and Pepsi. You’re going to have a preference for one or the other. And you’re either gonna tell the waiter “I’d rather have a water” instead of the opposite one that you like, just agree and order what they have bc honestly who cares its basically the same or you’re going to be rude to the waiter, complain the entire time, leave a bad review on yelp and not tip him.

[papercats]

Here’s some good lgbt (again with a focus on lesbian books bc I’m a lesbian so if i dont say anything specific about it in the list assume its f/f) books I read this year Ver 2.0  this time on my book blog...Previous years post (x)

I actually read a lot of lesbian fiction this year, I will try to include only stuff that I absolutely loved and/or I don’t see talked about in these kind of lists! Also, if you want content warnings about any of the books dm me. 

-The Crimson Empire Series by Alex Marshall: Okay this is the real reason I’m bothering to make this write up I’ll own up to it! It’s so GOOD. I think its the first really successful casual no misogyny/heteronormativity fantasy setting I read. Most stuff I read that tried this ends up just adding in some strong female character(tm) and a blink-and-you-missed-it mention of some side character being gay. But not here. Most of the main characters in this are women...and most of the cast is also lgbt. The man character is a bi woman who also happens to be a 60 year old badass and I love her. There are other characters that are bi lesbian or gay of varying importance (there are a million pov characters and some of them are spoilers so im being vague here). And also there are trans characters. I literally never seen trans characters in fantasy except in indie lgbt publications. AND beyond that its just such a good series, its incredibly fun. There is a lot of political intrigue and a lot of action and a lot of weird dark magic. It's also hilarious and made me laugh out loud multiple times which is very rare for books! Also, it’s a trilogy and it gets gayer each book. Like, the gay content is growing geometrically by the page count, trust me. 

Rest under the cut!

-Last Words from Montmartre by Qiu Miaojin translated by  Ari Larissa Heinrich this is very different and much more literary than the rest of the list. It’s a Taiwanese classic from what I understand, and it’s also the authors suicide note. I won’t pretend to understand this book, it’s written in letters which the author tells us can be read in any order. The author is a lesbian, and the story is said to be semi-autobiographic, but I can’t say this is lesbian fiction exactly. Not even who the narrator is is quite clear, as they seem to change gender from one letter to the next, sometimes being called by a different name. I don’t think I can do it justice in a few lines so I suggest if you’re interested you do your own research on it. It’s fascinating book, but it’s not something that everyone will enjoy, if enjoyment is even the right word for the experience of reading this book.

-When Women Were Warriors series by Catherine M Wilson: Okay I recommended it in the last years post but I read the last book this year and it was actually my favorite among the trilogy. And honestly , it deserves a second mention, it’s that good. It’s historical fantasy, magic exists but in a more mythical sense than throwing fireballs around (I’ve seen someone call it celtic fantasy, which might be more accurate). It follows the story of a young apprentice trying to become a warrior. There is a lesbian romance, but the overall plot is more about this apprentices coming of age, though the scale of the story expands widely as the books go on. 

-Letters Never Sent by Sandra Moran. This is historical fiction  very reminiscent of Sarah Waters, if you like her definitely check this out. It follows a young woman finding old letters of her death mother and learning about a side of her she never knew. It’s a dual perspective story with one for the daughter, and one for the mother in her youth. Both dealing with their own drama, though the focus is more on the mother. The story unravels slowly and though it’s not necessarily unpredictable it’s still a great read if you like historical fiction. 

-Amatka by Karin Tidbeck this is a swedish dystopian sci-fi story where words quite literally shape reality, reminscent of classics like 1984, not necessarily in content but the general feeling it gives, I’m not sure whether it’t the themes or the writing but it feels more like an old book. And I mean that in the best way possible. The main character is a lesbian, she gets into a relationship during the story, but this is very much not a romance book, it’s more about the main character slowly questioning the world she is in, and asking too many questions. I highly reccomend this one if you’re a fan of sci-fi dystopians, or want to see an unique take on the genre in a world filled with hunger games rip offs. (I was a bit confused that I couldn’t find the translator of this book, until I realized the author translated it herself. Just an interesting tidbit!)

-Pegasi And Prefects Series by Eleanor Beresford: light  board school books with just a little magic and lesbians. I found these short books to be surprisingly good and well written (sadly this is rare in lesbian fiction in my experience). The author described is as a slice of life harry potter which is pretty much it. Though there is some homophobia in these books, so be warned. The main story is concluded, and although the author teased more books in the setting there don’t seem to be updates in some time.

-The Mermaids Daughter by Ann Claycomb: This was a weird kind of melancholy book about a woman who only is relieved of her pain when she’s in the water. As were all her female predecessors, who all died young, by suicide. Her girlfriend delves into her family history in hopes to prevent her having the same fate. It’s a little mermaid retelling but that might be misleading, the main character is not the little mermaid, she’s her great great great grandaughter, or something like that. There is also the constant theme of Opera, which serves as a way to tell the story too, which sort of flew over my head. But it was still very much enjoyable. 

Short Stories and Novella

Undertow by Jordan L. Hawk : So this is a f/f novella in a long running m/m series. I can’t speak for the main series but this novella was good for its length. The setting is lovecraftian, but not quite so dark. I originally picked this up because one of the reviewers were complaining the love interests, who is some sort of mermaid-esque sea creature, had shark teeth. She’s great by the way, and so are her teeth. 

The Terracotta Bride by Zen Cho: This is a novella set in the Chinese afterlife. More specifically Malayan. The people in the afterlife receive money and items when living people burn things for them. The story explores the main character who is married to the richest man in afterlife life, and her relationship with her husbands second bride, who is not a human but a terracotta wife who her husbands relatives have burned for him.

The Cybernetic Tea Shop by Meredith Katz: A very simple straightforward story about an old model robot girl who owns a tea shop and a mechanic. It has a great atmosphere and I love the image of the old tea shop owned by a robot whos slowly breaking down. 

The Ape’s Wife and Other Stories by Caitlín R. Kiernan: This is a collection of excellent weird fiction short stories. I have a book by her in all my recommendation posts by this point, and I hesitated before adding this. Not all stories feaure any lgbt content, but enough of them do that it’s not out of place in this list. Though all of the stories in it are fully worth reading. My personal favorite of this collection is Galapagos, a rather disturbing story about space. 

[6ad6ro]

an explanation post and small update about that thing that recently happened with that one ex friend. just fyi, this is very long:

first, some backstory. i have an issue where i often end up staying in abusive relationships (friends/family/dating) for way too long for various reasons. that said, this friend. they were always problematic. they would continue aggressively making passes at me even tho i rejected them constantly. like really gross passes that reminded me of why i “hate (stereotypical) men”. bc it was real bro-style creeping. hitting on me incessantly. always hanging all over me and making any excuse to have physical contact. making gross innuendo “jokes” that went too far just… always. at one point they licked my ear when we were taking a photo together. etc.

now i confronted them on this many times. asked them to tone it down. explained how uncomfortable and stressed they made me. told them “i’m sorry but i just don’t feel that way and i wanna be friends” like god SO often. my sister (used to be friends w them too) even would sit and we’d try to explain to them why they needed to stop.

but of course, they’d always reply to this with extreme defensiveness. say i was just over thinking it. that this is just who they were. that they joke with ALL their friends this way (sidenote i’ve seen how squeamish they can make their other friends). that “maybe i should rethink my standards for what is okay and not okay”. would even accuse me of being paranoid and “gaslighting” them. even when it got better, they were always making little jokes like “oh srry i wanted to pat you on the back but idk if you’ll get mad at me” like they really wanted to let me know i was in the wrong. and beyond that, they always seemed to be like actively trying to find new avenues of hitting on me.

and that was just the personal space issues. they’d also like rage at games when we played together? like slamming my controller to the floor when they lost. being overly competitive. being rude to my other friends if they were “holding them back” in a game. they’d actually criticize people who didn’t agree with how they wanted to play as being “unskilled” and “not real gamers”. and if you ever were beating them, they’d be all angry and say stuff like you were being “ cheap”. any mistake they made in a game was “people cheating”. but any time they did well (including purposeful exploiting), it was a boast worthy achievement. trashtalk all day but only they were allowed to do it.

it was weird too bc TBH THEY AREN’T EVEN ALL THAT GOOD. like overall, i’d almost always beat them. my sister too. they were mediocre at best. but of course… they’d literally make statements like “i almost always beat you” and “i usually win” when it was just… such a rare occurrence. its just… when it came to trying to have a fun play session with people, they put the game and winning above… you know… having fun w the rest of us? and sidenote they were always SUPER picky about what game we played. and when it came to options like “what guns to use” or “what stage to play”… you know how often people take turns so everyone is happy? on their turn, they’d get respect. but on everyone elses turn, they’d always like… fuck around and change options back to theirs and like revert stuff and just…

not that age matters but did i mention they were 27. i mean idk i only bring it up bc they reminded me so much of a little kid like esp about videogames. but there were a lot of other issues with them too. but i’ll just bring up the last big one. they… morally/politically? they tended to be in a cool direction in general. v “supports human rights overall” kinda person. but… they were the type who were idk v quick to judge? they would make extreme judgement calls with no information. they’d always end up fixated on conspiracies rather than perceiving things with moderation. people can think what they want imo, but the issue here is how they needed anyone close to them to agree with them too? 

example: one time i was driving w them in an area that had very little shops and it was late and i had forgotten to pick up a gift for someone we were meeting. just a small thing to thank them for a favor. the ONLY store open and around was walmart. yes fine walmart sucks but  idk i needed a gift. i mentioned i was gonna stop by there and they were like “no not walmart”. and i’m like “yeah i know lol” and they were like “no seriously we cant go in there”. long story they refused to go in, wouldn’t wait in the car, and made it out like if i went in that there would be a big problem. i ended up showing up to the person empty handed and it sucked. another time just recently i was gonna get some lays potato chips and they were like “ew no you can’t buy anything from the cocacola company” and like shamed me and walked off so i couldn’t get them. idk this kinda stuff happens all the time tbh? but it doesn’t stop at just like pretentious annoyance. they’d go HARD with political opinions too and if you disagreed w them they’d HATE you. not just internet forums or strangers. but friends. one time my sister (who for the sake of the story is pan and leaning towards non-binary) disagreed with them when they made a sweeping statement on fb about how some specific thing made everyone “transphobic”. anyways when my sister tried to discuss it with them they literally sicked their friends on her and insulted and browbeat her until she just had to leave. she got stressed at the end and yelled back finally and then they sent her a pm like “i’m really disappointed in you. i’ll be waiting for an apology when you’re ready to give it”. lol long story short my sis dropped them at that point. as she put it “i thought highschool was over”. she was already super mad at them for how they were treating me sexually anyhow tho like... srry but i guess one of my points is my sister is like one of the coolest, nicest, best people i know. she never drops people. but she dropped THEM. over the years i’ve asked them why they go from 0 to 11 so fast and why they don’t... idk... “lead” people into agreeing with them rather than angrily and violently just immediately demanding it? and as they put it “people with strong opinions will never change so don’t bother with them” and “i act how i do as an example to others of how to be a good person”. but god i guess just recently i came to realize that they were just... i don’t think they cared about other people. they just wanted to protect THEMSELVES above all else? they wanted a reason to judge people. it was all an excuse for them to feel self-righteous and act entitled and superior. oops i forgot to mention that they’re pan and gender-neutral as well? maybe they identify as trans but idk. the only reason i mention it is bc they definitely use it as a way to shame people and feel superior. i know it’s easy to be sensitive about that stuff considering, but they go above and beyond. and it’s weird that they’re all about human rights and w/e bc GOD they’re so gross sexually and... srry another example. so they’re a furry. totally fine imo. but one day we were walking around a downtown area with a lot of bars late at night and they were wearing fox ears/tail and bein themselves nbd. but we passed by a “drunkbus” right as cookie-cutter bros spilled out of it. one of them was like “hey i didn’t know the furry convention was in town” and i immediately got super angry and turned to say something. but then i looked to see my friend had just continued to walk away? i took a breath and walked back to them and was like “i’m so sorry like do you want me to say something?” and they were like “it’s okay some day i’ll fuck them until they like it” or “until i turn them” or god idk i think they maybe even used the term “rape”... alarm bells tbh. blahh i won’t go into any more details but lets just say how they act and how they say a person SHOULD act is a dictionary definition of hypocrisy. well anyways, i guess my point i wanted to make with this backstory is, as i’ve finally come to realize... they’re an immature, self-righteous, spoiled person with a pretty distinct martyr complex. and they’re kinda rapey. they always used to complain about all this drama they had and how awful everyone was to them... and it always sounded like “really bad luck”? but i realize now that they were just a tornado of selfishness with like no emotional control and they couldn’t keep friends for too long before it just had to end in a big flaming ball. sorry like i should point out i know they’re obv full of mental illness... but i don’t think they really go to therapy or seek help for any of it? like so many of us on here are pretty messed up but we do our best? this person is not doing their best. they clearly feel the world should change before they do. anyways anyways anyways. this friendship lasted for idk 2 years? 3? it was weird that i didn’t notice my own reactions as warning signs. like when i don’t know someone too well or am having issues... i’ll often bring another friend to hangouts as a sort of buffer. maybe uncool, but it helps. usually this only lasts for like one or two hangouts. but with this ex friend, it lasted the entire period. whenever i tried to hang out w them alone, a much bigger incident would always happen, and i’d go back to square one. but okay. the actual story of the incident: so i was always trying to get them to hang out with me and another friend bc i felt like we all had v similar hobbies, and this past tuesday it finally happened. we all hung out at other friend’s place and played games and ate food and outside of exfriend’s usual little issues, it went really well. at some point it was mentioned that sonic mania released that day. it was something we had all been very excited about, but we already had plans that day and some of us (me) didn’t want to experience the game the first time in a distracted social environment. but i mentioned “ugh i have a doc appointment early tomorrow but i’ll still dl it right when i get home. i better not play it tho lol weh”! when they heard i was buying it, they were like “oh man you gotta let me come over and try it”. i knew they were a big fan of the guy who made it and a huge sonic fan, but also that they had just lost their job and money was tight (i had to buy their food that day). i had a feeling they’d morally be against pirating it temporarily until they could afford it. so idk i was like “hey listen as long as we only play like the first act each, i could take you to my place before i drive you home. but only if you’re okay with being v quick bc i have dr in the morning”. sidenote they refuse to drive and don’t use a bike so hanging out with them always involved carting them around. and no before they lost their job (v recently), they coulda def afforded it. they literally were constantly buying insanely expensive collectibles like think of the most expensive gaming stuff you can and they prob have it. sealed panzer dragoon saga. vectrex with every game. fami twin with working disc system parts. ique with most games loaded. mint physical laserdisc copy (beta?) of dragons lair from the arcade machine. whatever. my point is they spent all their money on toys instaid of bettering themselves. we all do it but they took it to an extreme. one other thing... they only would communicate over their parent’s lan line phone and over facebook. they refused to have a cellphone. back to story. they excitedly agreed to my conditions and we went back to my place and installed the game. i started playing and god it was amazing (obv)! i got to the end of act 1 in a couple of minutes and was like “okay i should rly quit and hand it to you” but they were like “no no finish the zone” and tbh it was so good i agreed. so i played until i beat the boss and then i was like “okay i can’t go further” and quit and then handed it to them. i think the whole zone took me like... 5 minutes? this is when it started getting weird. i noticed my gf had called and like idk she was a bit worried bc i normally call her after i get home from my other friend’s place (we hang every tuesday like clockwork) and it had gotten really late but i forgot to let her know. it was really sweet and i didn’t want her to worry so i was like “hey uh shoot do you mind if i call her?” and tbh they were like already so absorbed in playing the game they weren’t even paying attention to me. but i had given them the rly comfy chair but it blocked the exit to the room. i couldn’t even squeeze by unless they moved first. so i started like asking them ‘hey uh do you mind pausing and moving so i could get by?”... nothing. again i asked. ignored. this went on for like idk 30 sec? a minute? until i finally was like hovering my finger over to hit the pause button like “can you please just pause so i can leave” like... and only then did they finally say “well fine but i don’t even know how to pause”. let me take the time to point out that they are prob the most techy person i know. esp about old game systems. they build flashcarts and repair ancient consoles and solder and mod and they worked the past 4(?) years at a legit retro game store. and they were amazing to begin with. it’s a small thing, but they coulda figured out how to pause a switch. they’d played one many times before too. so finally i have them pause it. and i’m like still standing there for 30 sec or so and they still aren’t budging? and i’m like “you uhh gotta get up so i can get by the chair is blocking me”. they continue to idk ignore??? i finally have to literally pick up the chair WITH them still in it and move it aside. only then could i pass. idk but i didn’t get angry or anything bc i was just relieved to finally get by. as i walked out of the room i mentioned to them “hey if i take too long just keep playing obv but when i walk in please pause it and quit immediately so i don’t see later level content plz” (i’m a big baby and have been avoiding all details for so long and was looking forward to the surprise lol). and they were like “okay” or something. i went out to my car and talked w my gf for god idk 15 or 20 min? i didn’t want to talk that long but she was going to bed soon and was a bit down/ill and i still wanted to talk to her and idk i knew worst case my one friend would love the extra time to play. and i felt like if i stayed out that long i could go in to a very satisfied friend, you know? so i get off the phone and head inside. i enter the room and am like “okay i’m back plz pause it like we gotta go”! ignored. i ask again kinda lol trying to plug my ears and not look. ignored. at that point i notice the same song from the first zone is playing and i look over and it is in fact the same level and i’m like ??? “wait how are you still on the first level??” and they were like “oh i’m completing all of the special stages”. the first thought i had was like oh wow cool they really wanted to stick to my initial request of only playing the first zone? unnecessary but v nice of them! i guess i was really reaching for an explanation lol... so whatever they still are playing so i sit down next to them and am watching them play for another minute or so. i was about to say something bc they still weren’t stopping but then i notice how close they are to the boss and am like “oh okay cool you’re p much to the boss so you’ll be done super quick”. they keep playing. at that point i notice they’;re like... taking sonic up and around the level kinda in circles? and backtracking? like? it’s really weird and i’m like “wait what are you doing” and they’re like “trying to get rings to complete the special stages”... so i’m like “uhh sorry tbh but i’m already way past when i wanted to go to bed is there any way you can just... go to the boss”?? and they’re still doing their thing and ignoring me and so i speak up again like “cmon like i’m really sorry but this doctors appointment is an obligation and i really need to get to bed”. and at that point they pause the game. stand up angrily. kinda fling the controller so it hits the table and falls onto the hard floor. they start kinda flailing their arms angrily and say in this really sour tone “oh im sorry i just thought you were gonna idk let me PLAY the GAME”??? i start replying like “listen i’m sorry i just like i don’t have a choice in the matter like i have to go to bed like you had like 3 times as much time as i did and idk maybe you can take the switch into the car or something idk??” and they just kinda angrily say “whatever whatever just stop yelling at me”. btw i’m not yelling. i’m definitely definitely not yelling. i’m not even angry. calm. nice. confused at best? and this isn’t one of those things where it’s like “im not yelling bc when i yell you really KNOW it”... i just wasn’t yelling by anyone’s terms. at that point i’m like “listen i’m sorry i just don’t know why this is becoming such an issue like idk maybe you can wear headphones in the car and keep playing later levels or...” and that’s when they’re like “it doesn’t matter just STOP yelling at me”. and the chair is in the way of the exit and needs to be like lifted and moved so we can leave. but at that point they take their foot and just KICK the chair across the room. at that point i’m kinda like “listen i’m sorry if i have a tone in my voice or am hurting your feelings but tbh it’s kinda hard to remain perfectly calm when you’re sorta throwing a temper tantrum and..” and that’s when they shouted as loud as they could “OKAY NOPE UH UH BYEEE” and swung open the door and ran through the house to the exit door. i’m trying to call after them like “shit i’m really sorry but i don’t have time to chase after you i gotta go to bed please can i just take you home like if you leave i gotta just let you and go to bed” and they ignore me and run outside. it’s like 2am at this point btw. i kinda go outside to check if they’re standing there cooling down but no. long gone. ran down the street i think. so i go back inside. turn the light out. and lock the door. i just dont have time to deal with this. i want to but i can’t. but i sit there for a few minutes. and... (maybe) the mentally ill/abused side of me is like “well you COULD go look for them and try to calm them down and drive them home and it wouldn’t take THAT much longer than you were gonna already spend driving them, right? worst case if you don’t find them you can just go home and go to bed”. and so i head outside.as i enter my car tho, i get this weird gut awful feeling of deja vu? i realise pretty quickly that this scenario was pretty similar to the ones i had pretty regularly with my one really bad ex gf. the one who was a manipulative sociopath that used me and cheated on me and also had no emotional control etc etc etc lol? and idk i was surprised bc... i thought that this part of my life had been over. but still... the dumb side of my brain ignored that and carried on. i drove along the path i assumed they walked, thinking maybe they woulda taken the time to calm down. after a bit i finally caught up to them. i pulled up slowly and kinda called out like “hey i’m really sorry like i never wanted it to go down that way like you’re my friend like let me take you home i’m really sorry”. they ignored me for a bit and kept doing that angry car walk thing as i had to slowly follow behind and continue apologizing. finally they stopped and came to the window. they were like “listen you can’t talk to me like that and abuse me like that like what you did was so awful and bullying and ..” and went on like that for a min. and i was like “listen i’m sorry and i know me using that one word in particular must have really set you off but idk..” like trying to explain to them why i said “temper tantrum” (BC THATS WHAT THEY FUCKING HAD BTW THATS WHAT IT GD WAS) but i was trying to be nice about it? so i continued on “well i mean the reason i said that was okay like i know you were agitated but you kinda like tossed my controller haphazardly and it hit the floor and yeah i’m sure it was an accident...” and at that point they stuck their head inside the window like super close to my face and shouted as loud and angrily and full of spittle as they fucking could “WELL MAYBE IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT THEN”!!!! i’m like... idk... adrenaline just dumps into my body. i’m giving this person so so so many chances tonight. being so nice. and this is a problematic friend to begin with. and they’re shouting in my face like this as i try to apologize to them so i can drive them home after they ran off. but i’m a pacifist and i try to avoid conflict. but still... i’m like, probably quietly, “you... you can’t just yell at me like that. you aren’t allowed to yell at me like that.” and they open their mouth and start shouting more. and that’s when i shout back “I WON’T LET YOU SHOUT AT ME LIKE THAT”!!! idk if it scared them or what like i know i’m pretty booming and alarming when i shout idk but regardless they yanked their head out of the window and backed away from the car and i split second checked they were clear and i just floored it. but... i quickly slammed on the breaks. took a breath. decided i didn’t want it to be like this (do you see how stupid/messed up i am). i put it in reverse and turned around to back up. but i have to slam on the breaks. thank god i was only idling at that point. bc they’re pressed RIGHT up against my back bumper. i’m trying to comprehend all this bc there’s a v big sidewalk and they were on it when i started to speed off so why are they right behind my car now? a BIG alarm bell goes off in my head but i ignore it. i stare at them as they wait pressed against my bumper for like half a minute, giving them “what are you doing” eyes and gestures. finally they come back to the window. i’m like “listen. i’m really really sorry. it’s okay if you hate me. we don’t have to talk about it or at all. i made a mistake. i’m very sorry. can i just... take you home? i feel bad. we can try and work out this stuff later if we have to”. at that point they start yelling at me again (not screaming but just normal yelling) and telling me how awful and bullying and abusive etc i am and how their reactions were justified and idek bc they started walking off again. FINALLY. FINALLLLLY. my brain accepts this situation as fairly impossible and unreasonable and i decide i gotta be done. i just... can’t? anymore?? even if i wanted to... i don’t have time? so i pull up next to them and say sternly “you know what? you can’t treat your friends like this or they will LEAVE you.” and i sped off. i think i heard them screaming after me like “YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE” but god knows like my car is junk but i had floored it so they were long gone. okay so that’s PRETTY much the end of it. i decided pretty quickly after that that i was DONE with this person forever. that this wasn’t the kind of friendship i wanted. over the next few days i came to realize i should have been done with this person almost immediately. again, weird parallels to my worst ex. you don’t have to be dating someone or romantic w them for it to be a super abusive relationship. well anyhow i decided to avoid facebook or communicating w them for a bit so i could figure out how to like “officially end it”. because i was sure that they’d have gone on fb and written one of their common “i’m sorry i acted that way BUT” fake apologies where they pretend to be sorry but then negate the apologies by justifying all their behavior by making me out as some super abusive monster. 3 days later, i bite the bullet and check facebook, bc i realize this also is a pretty easy way for me to like... end it with them in a polite and cordial way? to pretend i don’t hate them. to talk to them in a way that hopefully keeps them from freaking out at me the next time our paths cross? also bc deep down i still do remember the good times and have a bit of respect for them. sure enough, it was there. the half-apology that leads into “you need to learn how to talk to people”. “you bullied me just like this person”. “when you talk to anyone you should use this tone”. tbh i only barely glazed over it. i started my reply along the lines of “i don’t want to get into a big discussion about what happened, but i think it would be best if we parted ways. i don’t think we’re compatible as friends. i hope we can be polite if we ever run into each other again. i’m really sorry that it turned out this way.” etc etc etc. part way in, i noticed their last short msg. sent way after the initial bunch of “sorry not sorry”s. it was just a half sentence. “i guess i should apologize for jumping in front of your car...” ... THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE. THAT BASTARD. THEY REALLY DID IT. THEY REALLY WERE TRYING TO FORCE ME TO INJURE THEM WITH MY CAR SO THEY COULD ENTRAP ME OR SUE ME OR FUCK MY LIFE UP. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CRAZY AND PARANOID WHEN I HAD THAT THOUGHT BUT IT WAS TRUE. THAT ABSOLUTE LUNATIC. *deep breath* i’m still shaken. it was just a fluke that i didn’t step on the gas before i noticed them against my bumper. it EASILY could’ve gone down in the worst way. god. and all this over me asking them to stop playing sonic mania. tbh the experience kinda soured the game a bit for me? i mean... thank god it’s so good but really who even gives a shit bc it’s just a game like GOD fucking DAMN i can’t believe i had something so FUCKED happen at this stage in my life. i know it’s a really self-hating thing to do to blame myself for having someone like that around but... my. god. i ended up sending the fb message that i was initially planning and ignoring all the impulses to scream at them or call some authority (idek what i could do here) or tell them they need immediate help or what bc what the fuck. and i haven’t checked fb since. i wanna be done forever. i don’t ever wanna see or hear or hear about this person again. it’s a bit silly but i’m cleaning house and getting rid of all the stuff they got for me (i rejected most of their “wooing” gifts but a few still got through bc general gift exchange”. i know it’s messed up but i even washed all the clothes i was wearing w them regardless if it needed a wash or not. maybe it was symbolic. but they’re dead to me. god. it’s not just for the best it’s goddamn mandatory.

ANYWAYS so that’s it i guess. sorry i know how long this was. i don’t REALLY expect anyone to read through all this. but if you do, plz lmk so i can say thanks i guess lol? it’s just nice to get it all out there bc it kinda messed me up... really bad? idk. and oh um i’ll still reply to people individually for asking about the previous post that related to this? but it’s taking me a bit to do replies bc i’m just... kinda scared regarding social stuff rn considering.  i guess the last thing i’ll say is if part of you is telling yourself that someone is abusive and you find yourself constantly making really big considerations or umm excuses just to hang out with someone? maybe don’t. there are many good people out there for you. abusive people can be dangerous. be careful and try to surround yourself with nice, happy people. <3

[rexylafemme]

this precious time when time is new

things come full circle all the time. ruben touched down in nyc on saturday. micah and i trekked to laguardia to get him, laughing on the way about how ridiculous we all were in the bay, how we bet our lil ruben looks more grown now, seasoned, hehe. the last time micah, ruben, and i were together was for the full pisces supermoon in late summer, september 2015--the night before micah would move back to nyc, our last full night at our house all together. a month before ruben would leave, two months before i would leave. this time, ruben arrived in time for the virgo full moon, pisces’ opposite, in late winter 2017, the coldest, snowiest week we’ve had.

that last night together in september, we drove to alameda beach armed with paper, some stones, herbs & flowers, gifts & letters from ex-whatevers & poem drafts to throw to the ocean, ruben’s signature drink: fireball whiskey (ew), a blunt, some candles, a mini speaker. all the trappings for a spell for letting go, for saying goodbye. bitch better have my money on in the car ride there, our heads hanging out the window, boisterous--our anthem for that year (/always), being broke, undervalued, and continuously doing too much work for too little or free, retail and retail and food service and gigs and workshops and unofficial art modeling and freelance writing and recording and plans that kept falling through. now we were in the home stretch. we laid down our blanket, we set out our herbs, our stones, our candles. we sat in a triangle, wrote silently for awhile: what we would surrender to the bay, what we would leave there, what we couldn’t keep or hold anymore. also, what new journeys we needed new strength for.

we went around and said some words about what we’d written, said some sentimental stuff about each other. poured out some fireball, passed it around til it was gone--so sickly sugary & spicy like melted/liquefied big red gum, coating yr mouth and throat. we stuffed our losses in the bottle and walked to the shoreline. we fumbled trying to figure out a way for all three of us to hold the bottle while we threw it, haha. the moon hung to the left of our viewscape, leaving a moving trail of yellow on the water as we watched the bottle bobble away. i walked into the water alone up to my waist--feeling grateful, trying to absolve myself of this place and all its failures, looking up at the moon and asking it my questions about what next and help and please don’t let us lose this. hearing micah and ruben laugh from the sand, smiling to myself with love for them, sighing and crying a little. no turning back now, can’t hold onto everything, nothing is forever, and then it was over, the night. tomorrow everything would be different. just one more chip off an already broken heart. 

“nothing’s changed!” micah exclaimed laughing as we stood propped against the subway doors on the Q train to brooklyn. ruben and i fake-fighting, the bates motel norma and norman faux-codependence theatrical game we’d play-- we all go a little mad sometimes, there’s a cord between our hearts, etc. the three of us hugging and giggling. after almost two hours of traveling from queens to flatbush, we wound up at micah and sharmin’s for game night. i was in the middle of a two-week marathon of insomnia and ptsd nights, so i was feeling raw/cranky/crazy/depleted/negative and was waiting for my affections to catch up with the present moment. ruben! friends! games! you don’t wanna go home and write by yourself, rex, you fool. it’s saturday night! but knowing when i’m like this, at night i get all weird & doubtful & dark, but reminding myself to just be myself, relax, remember what’s good, no pressure, if you need to leave, you can. and you might even enjoy yourself. and of course i didn’t wind up going home til 2am, spent and full, as suddenly the future hit--clocks springing ahead to 3am for daylight savings.

but before that, sharmin’s friends arrived trickle by trickle until there were about ten of us.  uno, jenga, slapjack, drinks, snacks, bullshit, taboo (team names: beyonce v. solange, and ruben and i were on the solange team, the weirder, low key underdog, and we won), stories, music, nintendo, laughter, newness, familiarity. it felt so nourishing to be in a room full of working class folks, folks from queens and bk, and ruben & micah: the two down suburban qts, home people--that easiness and fluency that comes with not having to explain yourself, everyone just getting it, breathing room & shared experiences.  micah and i trying to explain all the wild connections between the people in the bay and the people out here. how i met sharmin, tanya (& tres tho only briefly), and jesse through black brunch organizing in 2014 when i was visiting home from the bay. learning sharmin and jesse both were from my qnz hood and knew my childhood bff ro through other organizing avenues. jova and reuben knew sharmin, too, and tanya and tres, jova having told me tanya and i needed to know each other way before this meeting bc of our poor white femme nyc/nj lives. later, when i moved home and jova was so right about tanya and me, and someow tres & tanya had known micah round the way (?!?!?!). and before that, when micah first moved back to nyc, he called me to talk about some amazing femme he met at the club--something that never happens for us--being so enchanted or even pursued at the club (partially bc we never even bothered to go), and as he described her, i was like, “wait, is her name sharmin???” hehehe, clearly micah can’t get enough of catty witches from queens. explaining the connections between all the ex-friends-&-lovers, too--nyc, the bay-- disenchantments & the chaos and the relief that it was all over. happy to be laughing about it now. ending stories. we have no past, we won’t reach back; keep with me forward all through the night.

origin stories. apparently, the first night ruben moved into our 668 apartment, micah and i were hosting a big party. i laughed and apologized retroactively, but it so sums up where we were at at the time. ruben said it helped him integrate tho, he felt welcomed and i remember being so thrilled to introduce him to everyone. realizing how much the three of us got each other through those two years--all the drama, all the marches, the confusion, blowouts, heartbreaks, housing scares, bad jobs, the nights, the mornings--waking up with glitter on our faces, splayed eyeliner, party carnage, or just waking up to work & life fatigue, big breakfasts, sitting in the sun on our stoop year-round. so much we shared and still a lot of room for things we couldn’t say and didn’t have to. but, how home the three of of us felt to each other then, and now, and how we extended that sense of home to others--sometimes guests sleeping over in every room of the house except the kitchen, our place a safe zone on march routes, multiple sets of people staying with us through rocky times, the big meals we’d host when i was working at  farmers’ markets & the spice shop simultaneously, pooper cat game nights, the trigger warning performance series + parties we threw out of the house. talya called our place the gay frat house (tho i have to say in defense that it was quite clean). leo sun/leo rising/leo moon trio. so familiar, so sweet, so effortless, so open. our little clubhouse, our little family. remembering is good if you don’t let it be the fear in you.

i think we felt lacking then, i think we felt we couldn’t get our footing or find somewhere where we belonged-- but looking back, we created what we didn’t have and we invited other people into it. all the adult misfits. we got burned by being open indiscriminately and it made us shrinking violets by the end, but we’re blooming again now. riding that bloom wave.

at one point the other night, i overheard sharmin say to a friend, “aren’t they so cute? they’re such teen boys over there.” as we were sitting in a corner doing our thing. and that was always true of our vibe-- our bond full of youthful, long-lost brother feels. but, soft, feminine boys, & sometimes we’re not boys at all. 668 40th st, living one up from hell, we’d joke, which maybe is what gifted us that mythical queer fountain-of-youth gene where we look 17 forever. young leos. after long days of work + grad school madness (me) or undergrad madness (ruben), in between assignments, projects, art, meetings, shifts, we were always watching movies from our childhoods, making forts, running around in our underwear, making art on the floor in the living room, doing drag, playing board games, talking shit, pushing each other around and wrestling and cuddling and teasing each other, holding hands and being protective of each other when we had to. our intimacy--so easy & necessary & good & a balm from the bad intimacies we got lost in at times. we grew together: we all taught each other things and challenged each other, especially through our differences. bb ruben had never met a trans person before and micah and i were like “well, here we are!” and both of us so different in our trans-ness. we were all so inviting & open to excavating each other so we could be better at honoring who we all were.

and in new york now, finally living here on my own terms, regardless of the obstacles: housing scares and failures, the last of the bad intimacies (i hope), and family, i am thinking of who i was before. the sense of un-belonging that’s had me leaving new york over and over, the pain of lineage that had me craving escape, craving to be someone else, craving to leave them all behind. while simultaneously always trying to make sense of the people i come from so i could make sense of myself: the grief i never let go of, the contradictions, the violence and the nourishment of us. how all of this and my own self within it--freakish, theatrical, full of shadows, so of them & yet so so other--had me always searching. the people, the others: i was always looking for and the ones i always found. there were the inexplicably lovable yet destructive ones who reified all of the patterns in me i was always trying to leave behind, and then i finally did. bye. and then all the people who were so new; whose influence, paired with my own, allowed us to make something from nothing-- magic, create beauty from old tragedies, whether we spoke of them or not. cosmic people, like ruben and micah, the pretty, sweet boys. boys who weren’t afraid to cry or to touch or to admit to love and fear and failure and wanting. and the three of us, whoever we are and will be, knowing our love was/is strong enough to withhold our leaving, being apart, and all of the transformations that would flush out of walking away, of change. that there would always be a road back. paths that cross will cross again!

and ruben is still here until saturday, so my sentimentality is running away with me. blame it on my wild heart. hehe.