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My shoulder pain is getting worse.
The range of motion was getting better, but now it feels like it's kind of plateaued a bit in the forward direction and even gotten worse sideways.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My physical therapist says I'm not, that I'm doing the right things, but every single time I have been to PT for this shoulder, we get about halfway through the course and things get worse, and it's apparently no different now.
It does feel more stable than it did before the surgery, which is, well, part of what the surgery was meant to accomplish. So that's good I guess.
But the backsliding into pain again makes me want to cry.
#literally me at pt today: 🥹#my range of motion is only slightly worse than it was before the surgery#i'm quite behind where i'm supposed to be and i have no idea what to do about it#other than keep going slow#but i feel like i'm making negative progress now and it makes me upset
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[ID in ALT] I've made posts before about Talia/Dick co-parenting Damian moments (will never happen but let me dream) and this came to me in a vision. Took me ages to finish for some reason 😭 and then even longer to post
#dc comics#dc#damian wayne#dick grayson#talia al ghul#batfamily#dc robin#nightwing#anyway. yes im a self-indulgent ''dick as damians secret third parent'' truther#like i DO think it's way more complex and nuanced than the schmoopy affectionate fan portrayal of it#they're brothers they're father and son they're partners they're the dynamic duo except only in past tense etc etc#but consider! I'm not immune to schmoopy affection in fanworks. it compells me despite itself#anyway it's technically not that crazy when it comes to dick and damian. they hug! often! at least they did#it's not as big a leap to these types of scenarios#also talia ''somewhat absent for complex reasons on both her and damians part but very loving and loved by her son'' al ghul#you will always be famous to me#son of the demon origin...bwahhh#anyway. someone made a comic kind of like this/like a post i made abt this topic#but way funnier bc dick and talia starting trying to beat each other up#so go look at that as well#anyway. it's been a somewhat difficult few weeks so I'm. desperately trying to take it easy#i got some reading with me (first vol of kevin smiths GA run that i found second hand and jaimes BB run vol 2!)#so we'll see how far i get through those. considering there's demons in my head telling me to re-read things (LET ME OUT!!!)#when i finish GA and BB i do plan on rereading robin 2021. as a treat to myself#it's a run I've really warmed up to as time went on#I'm keeping up w/ the current b&r run even though it is. admittedly very slow w/ some weird dialogue#i read it for the damian content more than anything. also nikas back so that's neat :]#idk I have a feeling that after absolute power shakes out we might get some more creative team switch ups#so if anyone at dc is interested in taking over the reigns on b&r...that could be very neat#mine
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come get yer juice (aka some 'stocks i never posted </3)
#throws this at you all and runs#IM WORKING ON NEW SCRIBBLES POST-UPDATE ITS JUST. SLOW GOING#spoons are gone you see!#wait actually. the repressed one i doodled last night#BUT OTHER THAN THAT ITS SLOW GOING#but ohhhhh im so ill. theyre so real.#before i was skeptical but the Evidence Is Stacking Up All Too Well.#might make a post about it bc there's. so much#scribble salad#laughingstock#barnaby x howdy#howdy x barnaby#ive been in the trenches for so long... so so long....#AND I WILL CONTINUE TO BE HERE.#im still so insane about them yall dont even KNOW#by the time this posts i will be At and In My New Job#may these sillies keep me going through the day...
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Thinking about William as a metaphor for disability again. Thinking about how William got into an accident and suddenly he's watching his body rot and fall apart. How does he cope with that? How do his family and friends cope with that? Thinking about how he died, and in a way he and the people around him have to mourn that. How when you're recently disabled you might mourn the ability you've lost, and people around you might mourn because they believe they've lost something too even though you're still RIGHT THERE. Thinking about the monsters in Deadwood being attracted to the wisps and ultimately forcing him to leave home and how that reflects the world suddenly becoming inhospitable and hostile towards you overnight. How rather than making Deadwood safer for William, he had to just leave. How often the way the world treats disabled people forces them to retreat from it in some way. How William was just arguing that the Lich didn't have rights because it wasn't alive, and then finding out he's dead too. How disabled people have their personhood stripped from them by people who think they'll never be disabled so why should they care. Are you listening to me
#did they say something about the monsters being attracted to william putting his family in danger?#bc something something people making your symptoms about Them as if youre not the one who has to actually live with them#william wisp#jrwi pd#i just. ough#he found out he was rotting in a hospital bed!! that is a standard movie disability thing#the doctors cime in like 'this is gonna be difficult to hear blah blah'#also the rotting being unknown by basically anyone (other than mal)#not knowing if it can be stopped/slowed if it'll just keep going forever where it came from etc#its an unexplained disability with all the uncertainty and fear that comes with it#william wisp is a proud member of the leopard's eating people's faces party btw
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moth-flowers #17
#moth-flowers#my art#comics#autobio comics#Its a little crummy but im glad i made something. and actually posted it!#depression#Our neighbors r pretty cool. talking with the husband makes me happy cos he's just a chill dude and i think he's kinda like me?#Like he was cleaning out his car one time and he said it just takes him longer than most people bc he's kinda slow. and i had a moment of#like. recognition. I get things done but i just take a lot longer than other people and i dont really know why its just how i am#And he's like. a real adult. with a partner and kids and a house and a job. and if he can make it then maybe ill be okay too.#Also I like listening to him talk he has a very interesting cadence and overall soothing voice quality#Also the sleep schedule thing. Right now I've been feeling my best when i take a 2ish hour nap when i get home. I usually dont go to sleep#Until 12pm regardless and good god has the nap been helping me. I feel less like shit and more alert its so great#My dad keeps giving me shit about it. but fuck it we ball
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WARNING: The final boss fight for "Shadow of the Erdtree" just got leaked and the Wiki is filled with spoilers!
It's a MASSIVE spoiler for both gameplay and lore.
Be WARNED!
If you don't want the ending ruined before June 21st, avoid social media sites like Twitter, the Elden Ring Wiki pages and the sub-reddits for ER.
TIME TO GO DARK, SOULS FOLKS!
See you on the 21st! ⚔️
#i keep saying the before the 21st but realistically speaking only a couple of psychos are going to speedrun the DLC#and finish it in less than 24 hours which means it'll take most of us much longer to actually beat the DLC than them#and experience the new content and lore at our own pace#the 21st is just the mark off day for when spoilers become official and ten times more common to stumble across#which is worse if you're like me and take things slow and savor your gameplay experience like fine wine#so honestly every major media site ER is affiliated with is goiyto be a FIELD OF LANDMINES for a lot of us#so if you aren't attached at the hip to your social media sites i highly advise going dark so to speak#if you don't care about spoilers and want to discuss SOTE spoilers that's fine just DON'T intentionally ruin someone else's experience#tag your posts appropriately!!! put a header up warning folks and just be considerate in general#that's about it i think?#HAVE FUN EVERYONE (just not at the expense of others) 😄👍🏽#elden ring#elden ring dlc#shadow of the erdtree#elden ring shadow of the erdtree#elden ring theory#elden ring lore
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#need to be held#everyone holds you differently....#so craving the kind of holding that you'll likely never get again because you got broken up with by that person is... hard. really hard.#17 days is not enough time to be better from a breakup.#i can act like im doing fine around others#i can fill my days with all sorts of things to do.#but in the slow parts#the parts filled only by my thoughts and my longing?#the hurt leaks out. drips and drops.#its not a thing where the hurt will ever truly go away. it meant too much to me for that. but i'll do my best to grow around it.#extra challenging part is that i'm trying to be friends with her still while my emotions are probly not processed enough.#i don't have a great track record of staying in touch with exes. i hope things with her turn out differently than my past times.#to those who have been reading these vent tag posts#sorry if i keep repeating the same things.#my sadness has a cyclical nature to it#or so it would seem.
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I love learning ASL it’s so good. Makes me happy to learn it. I’m so glad my university has classes for it with professors actually steeped in Deaf culture.
#blue chatter#am I good at ASL? hahahahahahaha. no.#ASL and English grammar are incredibly different and even when I remember my vocab I am easily clockable as hearing#but I do have some language capacity now. enough to communicate the basics.#and I just. genuinely really enjoy it. it’s fun to learn and engaging in a way most of my classes just aren’t.#and I can. yanno. communicate respectfully w Deaf ppl. and learn about their culture#which is incredibly important given that I want to go into a field where there is a higher incidence than typical of Deaf people#autistic? you’re more likely to be Deaf!#not to mention the fact that sign language can sometimes be a useful alternative to speech for nonspeaking/nonverbal people#depending on the person obvi; some nonspeaking/nonverbal autistics cannot use sign language and that’s okay#but surely at some point I will encounter either a Deaf client or a nonspeaking/nonverbal client who uses ASL#and when that time comes I should have some idea of how to communicate with them#I also rly like the Deaf church by my parents’ house#their community is really welcoming and their services are really interesting#I think it’s rly cool how they take intentions directly from the congregation#they’ll raise their hands and then sign what their intention is from their pew to the ambo#which is rly neat#it is funny bc every time I go the Deaf ppl I talk to will tell each other ‘go slow she’s hearing’#which is ENTIRELY fair bc. I am hearing. and I do need them to go slower.#but it also makes me laugh bc truly everyone knows within a few minutes.#oh hey the new person? they’re hearing. yeah they’re learning ASL at college. sign slowly for her.#which again makes sense bc a big Deaf culture thing is keeping ppl informed. it’s not gossip it’s getting everyone on the same page.#Deaf ppl do NOT beat around the bush that is like the height of rudeness to them. u say what u mean goshdangit. do not waste their time.#which I appreciate the heck out of bc i don’t have to try and phrase things delicately or w/e#it was also funny bc my mom came w me while I was home for Christmas and they asked her if I was her kid#and she said yes. and the lady running the kid’s craft corner thing was like ‘great you’re doing a craft now’#and I’m sitting there. visibly over 18 years old. amongst several seven year olds. trying desperately to figure out how to say hot glue gun#I made a v pretty pinecone tree it was a lot of fun ^-^
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wow. they weren't lying that 19 portland mayoral candidates sure can underwhelming
#i'm reading my voters' pamphlet prepared to mark down anyone who seems vaguely okay so i can look up more about them#but i get to the end and i hadn't marked down a single one??#for city council (which granted had 30 candidates instead of 19) i marked down 10 people initially and whittled it down to 6#(we can vote for our top 6 choices! baby's first ranked choice voting)#but for mayor i just kept being like well surely there's someone better than this...and then i was at the end. lol.#there's one guy who was just like 'the mayor is a figurehead. vote for me and i'll stay out of the way'#which i thought was hilarious at first but actually. he kind of has a point??#two local newspapers have endorsed a guy who is naive enough to think he can 'end unsheltered homelessness in a year'#like no. you can't. are you stupid#i just want rene gonzalez to lose but also it occurred to me...if he loses does that mean he keeps his seat on council?#because i think that position actually has more power than the mayor#but if my city elects rene gonzalez as mayor i think i might just lose all faith in my neighbors#despite how everyone slowed down to avoid splashing me that time the street flooded the other day#every time i see a rene gonzalez lawn sign in my neighborhood i want to scream and scream and scream#there's no reason to support him unless you just straight up hate homeless people. like he's not even competent or personable#his whole deal is just making life hard for homeless people#the other thing about the 'end unsheltered homelessness' guy (keith wilson) is#you can't end unsheltered homelessness without banning camping. and i am vehemently opposed to a camping ban. it's inhumane#which helps a lot in weeding out candidates since it's a pretty mainstream thing for a politician to run on#two people are running basically on 'make the city better for artists' which is imo a weird focus given everything else we got going on#like that's admirable and important but it's not my number one priority?#but i might rank them anyway because as far as i can tell at least they don't hate homeless people!
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Do ppl genuinely think jinx blew up the council for the liberation of zaun
#actually I need to rewatch bc from what I remember#jinx’s ideals are making silco happy like I don’t see her actually upset about what ppl are going through or wanting real change or whatever#like i think she’ll def be some sort of hope to some ppl of zaun due to the action#but like. that was pure malice that wasn’t Justice for zaun#she killed powder for killing her family the first time and she killed the council for killing silco#Bc jinx couldn’t have done it since she’s perfect silco said so#and this isn’t a violence isn’t the answer thing NO#i think ekko should blow up the council too and I hate that he’s hanging with that rat#heimerdinger and cailtyn are the same to me they’re both annoying#stay away from zaunites ty#you’ve done ENOUGH#the audacity to argue with ekko about who enforcers are#‘the Ppl dont want my help :(‘ ok kys. ez#Uhm anyways that’s very subjective and again I’m biased against piltover they’re literally nothing new to me#point is I don’t think jinx is the revolutionary some of y’all tout her to be#i know it’s scary but if u want that ur gonna have to focus on a black character outside his white potential LI#I KNOW I KNOW! it’s new to you it’s hard you can’t see him as anything besides smth ur fave reacts to#but if u want the person protecting zaunites as best as they can bc they love zaun itself#Ur gonna have to look past the sad white girl#difference between jinx and ekko is oppression shaping a rebellious personality vs the choice to rebel and do better for your people#not in a theory vs praxis way but in who’s actually concerned with others welfare and how zaun will move forward#while ekko is willing to use violence for his cause he’s more worried about keeping his own ppl safe which could potentially set him down#the road vander went - as opposed to vi who was like. traumatized into working with pilties this soon#It’d be a slow road for him. but also take into account he saw vander go down that path before and if it’s one thing he’s good at it’s#learning from the past. bring in how the silco and vander won’t repeat itself bc jinx who’s angrier at piltover and life in general than she#is hopeful for zaun might have to be forced to gain that compassion once interpersonally interacting with zaunites some who may genuinely#look up to her as a leader as opposed to local drug lords lapdog is gonna have to buck up and take responsibility#obvi vi and powder are vander silco foils duh but the way I’m thinking ekko and jinx could potentially be#wait for it#what couldve been
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i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!
#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this#i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked#so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage#could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better#my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real#otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking#spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc#what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active#so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible#without spiking my hr to zone 4#so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything#i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards#outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is#i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me#based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not#some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works#but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again#because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now#i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog#but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less#i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis#so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important#this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty#shit talking
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i can't believe i never posted any of my snk fic. like. i have MULTIPLE NOTEBOOKS of handwritten stuff, and a LOT on my phone but like. i was into snk when i didn't have access to a computer. so almost none of this is typed and so thus also none of it was ever posted.
#shitpost#thinking of it because i have two of my notebooks stacked visibly rn because i am supposed to put the pages back in order#because they both fell apart so like i need to fix all the pages#and probably throw away all my military notes about all my signal crap#the thing that made me into snk is that i was actively at my military training while i was into it#and like it was relaxing to me to read about characters doing similar things also trapped in a military structure#or whatever.#anyways i had a few astronomically good ideas but they're trapped now unfinished and not fully formed and WRITTEN BY HAND#and really after i got out of my training hell i fell out of snk because it no longer was something i needed#because i was a guardsman. love that weekend warrior life.#but all this stuff is languishing and its just too bad#b/c some of it is SO good.#i had SUCH a good jeanmarco fic. and like the best time loop fic of all time dare i say.#and a few other ideas as well that were pretty good but i recall them a little less#because again i am just not into snk anymore. i was only into it for a few months but when i was i was SUPER into it#and had TONS of time to write.#in class. mostly. which is why a lot of it is interspersed with notes about radios and signal shit.#because i got through modules faster than the entire class and had to figure out how to slow myself down#because otherwise i had fuck all to do#someday i'll go through these notebooks and toss out the military shit and keep the snk shit#and hopefully be able to put the snk stuff in order. lol
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my coworker has either called out or left early every day for at least two weeks and has missed even more days in the less than two months she’s been here and i see her car in the lot. can she just quit already
#op#she’s not a bad person it just doesn’t seem like she can physically handle this job#it’s only part time and she’s constantly getting hurt or sick#and it’s like i’m chronically ill i get it. but i wouldn’t keep a job if i was calling out more than i was here#i’m always picking up the slack from her not being here so i guess i’m just frustrated#and i also always have to pick up the slack for my other coworker who is just. incredibly bad at our job and idk why it’s not that difficult#my other new coworker is really getting the hang of things but she is always asking me questions so between the three of them i feel like#i’m taking care of everyone 😭#i’ll go to bat for the last one i mentioned though she’s really sweet and everyone acts weird with her because she’s deaf#like they kinda talk to her like she’s a toddler and i hate it#i talk a little slow to make sure she understands me but i don’t drag out my words and i can almost always understand her#if i don’t it’s because i have processing issues not because of her#anyway idk how this rant ended up being so long i have to go in now
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this was meant to be a funny post, but then it got deep imao
not a relationship person, but i believe in their beliefs
#me when i lie#it always comes round to june and i’m always single and it’s quite honestly homophobic#imaooooo nah it’s not that deep i’m just coming on my period hehe x#literally keep saying the same thing about relationships#like i shouldn’t get into one just because i’m lonely#and rush things and completely blow up my life on impulse#but i don’t know any other way#need to learn to take it slow and *actually* take it slow#because the last time i “took it slow’’ it all went wrong#basically i want a relationship at some point but when all your relationships are the same#it really gets to you#and i keep thinking about (redacted) and how much i fucked it all up#but also like would we really have worked out?#if i’d actually believed everything she said would we be okay?#do i not have a life? or am i not allowing myself to have a life?#bc literally i think i’ve gotten so used to being on the floor that i’ve forgotten how to get up#and like if i really tried i could actually get what i want#and i know that sounds obvious but like bear with me#i’ve basically shoved myself into a deep dark hole and covered myself up with dirt and then forgotten i can dig myself out#i *can* be with someone seriously#like yeah it’s uncomfortable and scary and it means facing up to certain things that make my stomach hurt but i will never have a life if i#don’t do these things#i can’t allow myself to basically get pushed back into the closet#i can’t allow myself to be infantilised and treated like shit all the time#like even if i’m surviving purely via spite for a while it’s better than the alternative#instead of constantly talking about the same thing and how nothing ever changes i should actually change it#again obvious but i’m usually miles behind bc my brain… isn’t great is probably the kindest way i could put that#and that’s okay. like it’s hard but it’s okay#even if i’m living out my teenage years and doing the things i’d wished i’d done then at 25+ that’s fine#there’s a whole fucking world outside my bedroom door so maybe i should go actually see it?
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#i told my roommate's psychologist father about how my therapist broke up with me via text without providing referrals#and he says that was really poor treatment and is called ''abandonment'' in the field and my response was ''it's fine im used to it''#so um. IM FINE LATELY. apparently. i have an appt with a prospective new therapist next week lmao#like her communication with me had totally fallen off as well and im screaming about it internally a little bc like#i knew this was not kosher but i was blaming myself for having slow progress#which like. no shit i was having alow progress she was cancelling on me every other week.#but oh no said my inner voice no she doesn't want to keep treating you because you're stuck. it's a you problem#like i understand that she was Going Through It but like she's the professional in this situation#i have sympathy but i also feel really hard done by#she basically ghosted me#and im just frog in a slow boiling pot (yes i know that's not real) every time im in a less than ideal situation where i should stand up#for myself bc im so ready to blame myself for the way im being treated and so afraid of retaliation if i speak up that it just happens to m#and i don't even know it until it's done with#and someone else points it out. or like i know it but i haven't allowed myself to be conscious of it yet.#it just makes me so mad that im like this bc what it means is that i tried so many times growing up to voice#things that were not okay with me and i was shut down so often and so dismissively that eventually i just#decided everything was my fault and became passive so i couldn't mess anything up
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sometimes i wish i wasnt a guy who gets so exhausted from writing even 1k words in a day's work bc there are fic ideas up there man,,, theyre not Great ideas but they exist at least....
#contextually from tumblr i have picked up that there might be a naddpod fic renaissance these days#like when i joined the fandom last yr the a o3 was pretty slow-going and mostly c1 based#but i keep seeing posts here with fic links#to c3 stuff (and also still c1)#have i read any of them? unfortunately no#but like. hell yeah love it for the fandom#i think theres a lot of char study stuff on there these days??#which honestly usually i Love but tbh for naddpod i feel like i get more entranced by other things besides pc char study#which!! to be clear i still support and enjoy#but like. not as heavily in this fandom weirdly as i have in previous fandoms#actually? i lied#now that im thinking abt it i need 18 intense zirk character study fics#im one of those fucking 'i was born in the wrong era' girls but instead i mean i shouldve been listening to naddpd when c2 was airing#thats my annoying trait tbh#ineed intense character study. i t just needs to be about stella vervain.#ok clearly im still a little unwell even tho i went to work todya bc these tags are ramblier than usual even for me#idk what this is. sorry if u read thsi btw. usually my long block of tags are actually so woke and cool#i swear. fucking trust me bro pls#my best content is buried in tags usually. this is the exception. pleas come back . i promise i promise
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