#or. yknow. at least other than our mother.

[thr4shit]

clarification,

The money bag is a ziploc bag that contains I'd like to say around $20 or so that we saved as a child / early teenager. (Money from birthdays and mostly from our grandmother. Love her to death.)

I believe it was originally supposed to be some sort of emergency fund back when we'd actually decently well considered running away.

We decided against it of course. But we still have the bag.

...and we've never spent the money.

It's almost too personal to spend, I guess.

The ties of a desperate kid who just wanted to feel like they mattered, in a way.

I was curious why my pocket was crunching for a second I forgot I put my money bag in it 😅

[ofcowardiceandkings]

companion piece of young Link

AAHH i finally finished something :'D

i've uh had some very specific Thoughts about Zelda's childhood for a while now so its about time i put them to paper - this is actually round TWO since the original doodles are lost to ... somewhere ... i like these second editions better though so alls well that ends well

we're looking at ages around 4, 7 and 10 years old here touchin bugs in the dirt, archery practice, and playing a lyre ;w;

more detailed Thoughts under the cut 💙

iiitssss customary ranting about my BotW/TotK opinions tiiiimeeee welcome my darlingsss jfkdjfkd 💙

i had a much more solid idea about where i was going with Zelda than with Link but some of it is kinda abstract or weird lol

we know a fair amount about her upbringing in general, or can infer as much from Zelda's interactions with her father and what they and people around them wrote. she was clearly a smart and vivacious kid with a strong personality from the start, no matter how much you sort of squash that shit for the public face, repression etc. so yknow, her mother's death when she was 6, awful. her father's change in attitude especially in her teens, awful. being under public scrutiny her whole life, awful. restrictive structure of royal life, dull (i bet it bored Zelda to death at times no matter how strongly duty-oriented she is). having said that though, she got by and just by looking at her study, she clearly got stuff done to herself - you can take the kid away from the science but the science stays with the kid !!!

additionally, forgive me for mentioning ... timelines ... but in my humble onion, BotW/TotK serve as a Dragon-Break scenario which are SO far in the future from other entries that ALL timelines will inevitably converge and lead to that point, so it doesnt matter any more (i dont like extended Timeline theory, Nindooty doesnt like extended Timeline theory, the current writing team seem to want shot of it, let me be). being a history guy i also subscribe to leaning on the LEGEND aspect of 100 and 1000 year games of telephone, it makes things spicy. tradition is a strange thing, we do things we dont have much of a context for anymore, we're still living with the cultural hangovers of people living when mammoths were around and no thats not hyperbole lol its WILD. ive typed around the point enough lets get going

she was a bugs girl !!!! she still IS a bugs girl lmao but if our 16 year old girlie is gonna pounce on frogs apropos of nothing, that 4 year old girlie is gonna go catch bugs in the Royal Gardens and freak out her maids or escorts with them, good for her 💅

the other two are where my timeline thing comes in; the triforce is never mentioned by name, its just there in symbolism ?? something about the blood of the goddess ?? divine sealing powers ??? no one knows in the same vein, i like to think that its traditional for Hylian Princesses to learn archery and play a lyre or harp ... but no one remembers quite WHY ?? so Zelda does. the Priestess-Princess* role means the public is aware that Zelda had formal singing training, but its not really common knowledge outside of the Castle that the Royal Girls do THIS (no one knows why that part is important either, but it stays in the Castle). she might be a little out of practice now, but give that muscle memory enough time and she might be able to really surprise people.

*this is part of the Japanese translation, at least in Kass' final song Zelda is referred to as an term roughly meaning Priestess-Princess - which makes total sense to me

ohhh my god i talked a lot okay i just love my gorl fhjdkfjdk

actual footage of me explaining my shit and going way long

[yurigalactica]

would you mayhaps infodump about LC! lyrics? 👀👀 /nf

(I saw you on the anon game and am incredibly interested)

OOOOOOOOOH YESYESYESYES I WOULD LOVE TO INFODUMP ABOUT LOS CAMP LYRICS

okay okay so first of all. this band is so good. they have so many banger ass songs and that cannot be denied. HOWEVER in my heart To Tundra will always reign supreme. like holy shit. it's got lyrics like "meet me at st. nicholas among the oaks, behind the church that sway like pig-tailed girls as summer wind whistles around your bare-skin knees and the forsythia leaves" and "we take on the burden of all these sad-eyed children with lilies bunched in our hands" like. those lyrics are so visceral and potent they literally leave me with my mouth hanging wide open after i hear them. oh my GOD that song is magical

some of my other favorite songs lyrically is OBVIOUSLY tiptoe through the true bits. that's the song that whenever i hear it i have to stop literally everything i'm doing, turn up the volume as loud as it will go, close my eyes and just absorb the Vibes. it's so gorgeous AHHHHHH. the bit that makes my heart go !!!!!! is the part where it goes "the bed-spread decked in suns and moons and symbols of the star-signs, how you read how mine applied to how I would be sex-wise." like that paired with the little guitar picking up in the back and the drums kicking in are SO GOOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND. IN MEDIA RES. that song changed my life genuinely. like WOW. the whole vibe of it, especially the end when the trumpets (i think they're trumpets at least) kick in and gareth goes "if you were given the option of dying painlessly in peace at 45 with a lover at your side, after a full and happy life, is this something that would interest you? would this interest you at all?" like WOW what an existential crisis moment while you feel like you're running through a rainy field. man that hits yknow

ALSO i am emotionally attached to Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #4. i dont know why but the first time i ever heard it my brain latched its claws onto it and now it wont fucking let go. so whenever i hear the guitar at the beginning i am Legally Obligated to belt out at the top of my lungs "I RESTORED YOUR MOTHER'S FAITH IN MEN WHILST BORING YOU TO DEATH LEFT NOTHING MORE THAN A CIRCLE OF STUBBLE RASH AROUND YOUR CHEST--"

AND!!!!!!!!! for flotsam also has a very special place in my heart. i love the lyrics in that one, particularly "summer of odd-numbered year" like. MY GUYS YOU ARE SO CREATIVE???? all of your football metaphors to describe your boredom and emotions. like i don't watch football but you go guys i think its so kickass. i love you los campesinos. also the bit where they go "flotsam, jetsam, and spindrift, all the girls i have loved, dumped to earth by a spendthrift, gilt angels from above" with the "aaaahhh" in the back and the very faint piano in the background that i can only hear when i'm listening to it with my gaming headphones on bc my gaming headphones have really good mid range. just AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

AND WHAT DEATH LEAVES BEHIND TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 fun little fact this was the first song that i listened to when i first decided to listen to their discography all the way through. and let's just say that was a VERY good start because i was very impressed right off the bat. like "i was the first match struck at the first cremation, you are my shallow grave, I'll tend you as a sexton, if you're the casket door that's being slammed upon me, i'll be a plague cross painted on your naked body" LIKE HOLY SHIT. THATS SO EVOCATIVE. HOW DO YOU USE SO MANY METAPHORS AND BIG WORDS. THEYRE SO GOOD AT WORDS. i love listening to this one because it is so lyrically complex and yet it all goes together so well auuugghhhhhhhh

also since i started university recently, hung empty rings very near and dear to my heart. like the bit in the bridge that goes "my vision is fading, it's blurry, there are fingerprints all over the sun, we're glad to be loved but we're lonely and we feel like we're the only ones." like. that's the experience of moving out right there!!! i don't know where the fuck i am and i'm so lonely but it feels so bright and new and cinematic. this song Gets me on the most fundemental level it feels so very College-Esque

ALSOOOOOOO she crows!!!!!!!!!!!11 i LOVE she crows. someone inject this song into my veins Right This Fucking Instant. i need to live and breathe this song right now. just the instrumentals combined with the anthemic feel of the song really seals the feeling of looking back on your life and all of your mistakes and acknowledging that all of them brought you to where you are now. especially the end bit, i don't know why, but when it goes "big tip for the pretty girl waiting the IHOP, these blank napkins/unwritten suicide notes, it's dark inside these eyelids, blacker than the ink (squid)" it really feels like the end of the day. these are the lyrics that buzz like caffiene in your veins as you sit outside a dutchbros at eleven pm surrounded by the only people you feel like you can be yourself around. it's the feeling of cold biting at your skin while your heart feels warm and full. it feels like an open finale, the first time you smile in a long time, an acceptance of the complex beauty of life, that unforgettable moment when you realize that you wouldn't trade who you've become for the world

and CODA A BURN SCAR IN THE SHAPE OF THE SOONER STATE. I LOVE CODA SO MUCH AGH. PERFECT CRYING IN THE SHOWER SONG. like the lyric "an artist's impression of the manhattan skyline" will get me fucking SOBBING immediately. it feels like watching the world move on without you, the world a blur as you crumple inward under the weight of your emotions, a collapsing star in an endless void. and then obviously "i can't believe i chose the mountains every time you chose the sea" WOAH the SYMBOLISM i will just pass away right here in my dormitory with my headphones on. no sorry professor i can't write my essay i am unwell about the romance is boring album again. sorry yeah i'll be unavailable for 3-5 buisness weeks

but uh. yeah. los campesinos amirite???????????

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas! reg kin anon here

so! i actually have another bit of positive stuff to talk about this time. do you remember i mentioned before about missing the stars because i couldnt see them anymore? well! i went to this social event after a rehearsal for a theatre group i joined and it was a treasure hunt in a cemetery and when you get to the top you can see some stars!!

its not as clear as back home, but me and this girl i met there were stood for a solid few minutes just pointing out stars and constellations to each other and it made me so happy ♡

also! back to the theatre thing: in rehearsals today i had a solo!! its a musical theatre group and im singing lead in one of our showcase songs!!! id been feeling really nervous about it for a while because everyone else is really good, but i actually feel like it went okay somehow, so yay

and, regarding my mother, ive decided ill go home at least once more before christmas. i dont have loads of spare time (nor funds for travel) but im going back in a couple of weeks, then i invited her to watch my theatre performance (and shes actually coming?? which she never has before) and then ill go back for christmas too. im staying for the full holiday period too, because ive got a couple of appointments that are easier to go to back home than here, but as much as i feel bad for thinking it, i do wish i could at least spend new years with my uni friends. ive never had the chance to enjoy it before, even just in the house, so i was sort of looking forward to spending it with friends and having fun for once. i know i might not get next new years with her though, but thats only really making me feel more guilty about not really wanting to spend it with her. ill probably end up in my bedroom for the most part anyway, so its not even like id be doing anything with my family for christmas/new years

anyway! this is supposed to be a happy ask, so happy it shall stay! also, since halloween mightve passed by the time you read this, i dressed as dorian gray, which was really fun. i had a cane and everything. most of all, it was very gender affirming (i imagine it will be; trying it on all together certainly felt great) (i dont remember if ive said before but im genderfluid, with more of a tendency towards masc-presenting) and i probably looked slay as fuck

yknow what, lets keep the good news rolling, because this feels like the sort of news you tell a parent but i dont have that sort of relationship with them, soooo. i had a class test today and it felt like it went really well, hopefully. i did end up finishing early but im feeling good about what i wrote and such. so, yay again

lots of positivity today, wow. ive been told i can be too pessimistic (realistic, in actuality though) so its odd but in a nice way to see myself focusing on good stuff for once :)

Hi!!

It makes me so happy to hear that you're doing so well! I remember how much you were struggling when you first started sending asks to me and I'm so happy to hear things are looking better for you! I'm so proud of you for your test and for everything else you've accomplished!

Please continue to update me, I'd love to hear how things go with your showcase and also I'm here if you need to vent about things at home <3

[thegamingcatmom]

Anon still making way through resi7

Reads latest miri the tired studhorse- I mean The Mother spoiler

Wonder what happened 👀

Did miri go: nope! you are not leaving!

Is this miri tactic from her understanding of what the physical attributes of all the village girls who've flirted with her before have done? As she tries to make MC reach these conditions? Flushed and sweaty skin, heavy breathing, etc?

Lol, idk imagining miri's assumption that since MC holds none of these attributes that if she makes her feel so it'll surely work. MC will surely become like the others

Like no miri making a person meet these conditions does not equate to what's essentially devoting lust of the village girls.

There is difference between fear and lust, but does miri know that?

Very hyped for the mother content

Hah.

I mean-

Yes, Miri will go "nope" sooner or later. But that´s not gonna happen until Miranda´s properly introduced obv. Which will probs be around Chapter...2? 3? Or smt?

So, no. Whatever´s happening in the spoiler isn´t due to Miranda working her...charms. 😏

But I do love how your mind immediately went to the gutter, lmao. Really interesting thoughts. I love how Miranda just can´t seem to human properly here (I don´t think Birb Momma fully grasps the concept of courting yet...) cause that´s kinda how I see her as well.

Miranda´s unstoppable when she´s in her element. When it comes to MC, though? She´s anything but. All that power and influence she holds might aid her in keeping MC where she wants her, but that´s where it stops I´d say. There´s no way she´s gonna risk damaging her perfect vessel, so she can´t just bulldoze her way through as she usually would, regardless of the consequences.

It´s not something Miranda´s ever had to worry about, so she...struggles. A smidge. 🤏😅

It´s a disaster.

There is difference between fear and lust, but does miri know that?

I fucking love that question.

I mean, she´s surely able to tell the difference between those two. At least when it comes to the feeling per se, yknow what I´m saying? She might be a hopeless case when it comes to any form of social interaction (same Miri, same), but she´s also a mad scientist. And feelings are no more than a chemical reaction (like dopamine) in your brain, pretty much.

And yes, Miranda would totally throw that fact in MC´s face whenever our girl dares complain about not feeling loved or anything. (Birb Momma´s still learning, don´t judge her. 💀)

With that said: Miri is quite able to tell the difference. From a scientific viewpoint, at least... 🫠

Listen-

As long as them legs spread for her, Miri´s just peachy. That woman's on a mission and got no time for yalls feelings.

Besides:

Who says one has to exclude the other? 😏

.

.

.

Thanks a lot for your ask! 💋

[uphirs-cringiest-worshipper]

hiiiiii tumblr people

been forever since ive actually used this hellsite but i thought id make myself a little personal blog so im not uh. lonely

my name’s marron, pronouns they/them. yknow. im a worshipper and student of Lord Uphir as you could have guessed from my url, ill interact with angel worshippers as long as you dont try to exorcise me or call angels to my home and shit. should be obvious but demon hunters and holy beings of boundless light DNI. also i think my posts might end up in a parallel dimension sometimes but feel free to interact if you’re not from my world!

more info under the funny cut [blog rules + OOC info]

In a world where the sun never rises, the demons of the moon descend.

Mankind is granted an ancient gift, and told to pray to the sky.

The surgeon’s disciple calls forth beasts with claws and teeth that rend,

And the moon illuminates a town where time passes peacefully by.

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

Welcome to Unmoor, a small midwestern town in a world that is not our own. A world where working mothers summon demons to babysit their kids, teens play pranks using ancient blood magic, and everyone knows the catchy jingle for the local exorcism van. In this alternate dimension, “modern gothic” is taken to its extreme, and yet the horrors are seen as something completely normal. They’ve lived with it all their lives, anyway.

It is said that Earth used to exist under the glow of The Sun, the ever-watching eye of the Angels. However, after a primordial celestial war, the eye was closed and The Moon, the cold and desolate home of the Demons, took its throne in the sky. In the modern day, no one living knows how The Sun’s rays felt, and they’ve adjusted to a dark world filled with horrific beasts and magical forces beyond human comprehension.

Most humans practice at least a little bit of the dark arts, which manifests much more visibly in this world. Whether their power lies in blood, primordial tongues, alchemy, or a pact with a Demon, magic can be found in all walks of life and can be applied in many facets of daily life. Marron, the in-universe owner of the blog, specializes in demonic summoning and communing with dark entities, though their powers are enhanced by their devotion to the Demon Lord, Uphir.

Other than that, life on this darker Earth isn’t too different from our world, especially in the mundanities. As dark a reflection it may be, there is still social media and gas stations and taxes. Taxes are the darkest force of all.

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

You don’t have to exist on the darker Earth to interact, but if you want to make your own character in this world, there aren’t too many rules. All powerful Demons and Angels, like Demon Lords or rulers (including Uphir himself who is reserved for me) aren’t allowed without permission to keep lore consistent. Lower demonic entities, angel drones, humans and semi-humans are allowed. If you have lore questions you can ask me, but I’ve left the lore kinda vague so people can expand on it organically! You don’t even have to live in Unmoor if you don’t want, you can invent another town or even country based on where you live. Please tag any posts from this world with “posts from moonlit earth”, and feel free to include “posts from unmoor/(where your character is from)”, and PLEASE accurately trigger warning your posts!!

Please do not interact if you’re homophobic, transphobic, queerphobic, ableist, racist, a sexual-focused blog, or you support any global genocide efforts. I won’t hesitate to use the report button.

[caffeinated-rants]

Why I feel that I am Autistic

I'm definitely bringing up my need to know and desire to be officially and professionally diagnosed for autism when I see my pcp in January, but until then.... I want to explain and justify WHY I have come to the self-diagnosis until I get a professional one.

****

Okay... first, first off, I was always told that I was "mature for my age" or that I always was "an old soul" and "did my own thing" when I was growing up. More often than not, I was in my own little world, marching to the beat of my own drum. As a baby, apparently if I didn't like who I was being held by (my grandpa in particular) I would just hold my breath. I would hold it until my face was blue. No inherent reason for this other than "marching to my own beat".

In addition to this, I can remember that when I went to pediatric appointments in my toddler years, my mom always said that I was following the chart nicely. I was hitting the growth progressions point for point and on time. The only difference for me opposed to other toddlers? I was on my OWN line. I wasn't ON the growth chart line. I was following it in time, point for point, dot for dot, but I was on my own line that accurately was following the standardized growth chart that my pediatricians had. As for why this was never actually looked into I'm not sure, let alone would have remembered given I was a toddler, but I do remember my mom always saying that I was on my own little line following the growth chart.

I also vaguely remember being in 1st thru 4th grade and being taken out of class at least once every year with a few other students to be brought into this portable trailer type thing where we all had to sit in our own little cubicles with headphones on and essentially do a hearing test with all those little beeps and boops of various volumes. I never understand at the time what it was for, I just saw it as a reason to get out of class so I never questioned it. I also had to undergo "surgery" to get ear tubes three times as a toddler, as I got chronic ear infections and was at risk for hearing loss in one ear from them. This could entirely be the sole reason for the hearing tests growing up, but there were other kids who seemed to hear just fine that were pulled out of class to do these hearing tests with me, so it does just make me wonder, yknow?

Now, growing up, my mother and grandparents didn't necessarily play with me as a toddler from what I can remember, and at one point I didn't understand that my mother wasn't playing hide and seek when we were at their house and I hid for over an hour in the closet until I heard my grandpa bring up the possibility of calling the cops because they couldn't find me. That scared me into coming out of my hiding spot, as I thought I was then in trouble for playing. More often than not, I was alone by myself playing with my Barbies and Bratz while I had either a Disney or Barbie VHS tape playing in the background. If I wasn't playing with my dolls, then I was playing with Neopets that I got from a McDonalds happy meal or those little Schleich animal figurines, and if I was playing with the animal figurines then usually Bambi or The Lion King would be on the TV and I'd be reenacting the movie scene for scene with the little animals, and this got to the point where I would specifically beg to get the correct animals so that I could "play" the movie accurately.

Back peddling to preschool, I also have some vague memories of interacting with kids. Sure we got along and played pretend and would drag one of the preschool aides to be our patient if we were playing doctor, but... aside from that, I often would play by myself. I would always like to find the Light Bright if it wasn't being used by another toddler and I would sit in the corner of the room and just have a blast playing with that thing on my own. I just thought that this was the best thing in the world next to playing with animals toys and plushies. I never really wanted much more than that, as I didn't have too much of an interest interacting with the other kids. Outside on the tiny little playground, though, it was different. I felt awkward and I didn't understand the games the other kids played outside or why the boys were climbing on everything and why everyone was so interested in the sandbox when it had all those bees by it. I would just get on a tricycle and ride around in circles around the playground until it was time to come back inside from recess.

I vividly remember that at one point, I guess I was acting out during circle time and I was told to go up on top of the indoor play structure because up top there were big toddler-sized plushies and it was treated as a "time-out" area and in this memory, I don't recall feeling upset over being in trouble?? I didn't mind going up top to be by myself?? I actually enjoyed it and I looked at the pictures inside books like The Hungry Caterpillar (this one I actually did know how to read) and even fell asleep for a bit I think... But the general point of this memory being mentioned is the fact that I didn't mind being told to go sit and be in time-out because it meant that I didn't have to sit in circle time with the other kids.

Another thing that I struggled with, and still haven't learned as a 25-year old, is how to ride a bike. Sure, a tricycle I can do. That's not hard. Those were easy growing up. But a bike? A two-wheeled bicycle?? That thing terrified me. My grandma and my mom tried to get me a bike when I was younger and going into 1st grade and wanted to teach me how to ride it and move me away from the tricycle, but no matter how they attempted to get me to learn it just didn't work. I tried to sit on it and I honestly think I was still too small for it, so it hurt to try and get my leg over the dang thing. That was the first thing that put me off: if it hurts me then this isn't fun and I don't want to do it. I tried several times and looking back, I definitely had anxiety over the whole situation that went unnoticed. I tried to learn but once I was sitting on it, I just had a panic attack. I was so sure I was going to fall over, and if I fall over then I'm going to get hurt, and if I get hurt then I most likely would bleed, and if I ended up bleeding then it meant I had to get a band-aid for it, and then it boiled down to two determining factors: 1) wearing a band-aid meant later on when the wound heals that I'd have to take the band-aid off and that hurts due to the tiny leg hairs I had, and 2) it meant I had to take a bath with a band-aid and that would make the band-aid fall off and if it wasn't healed then I'd have to get a new band-aid that would leave even more sticky residue that would hurt twice as much when pulled off.

Growing up, and to this day, I was and am a perfectionist and no one has ever seemed to notice. I push myself to do the best that I can and if I can't then I get frustrated and feel like I didn't do good, and if I didn't do good then I felt like my mom and grandparents were going to get mad at me. I taught myself how to write in cursive before I even left kindergarten but couldn't grasp for the longest time how to tie my own shoes, and this frustrated my family. Sure they were proud that I could write cursive so young, but why couldn't I tie my shoes? Literally. It took me until HIGH SCHOOL to figure out how to tie my own shoes, but as a toddler I could write in cursive.

I also have irrational fears. Spiders being the most stereotypical, I definitely would say its arachnophobia levels of fear. I can handle a daddy long leg, but any other spider is a no-go. I will tense up, I can't unsee where it was, I can't get over that it's there until I KNOW for a fact that it was dead. This was made even WORSE when I was having a bad time with my mom and we finished a movie and she went outside to smoke and I turned the lights on and an entire black widow egg sack had hatched and there were THOUSANDS of little clear baby widows all over the ceiling ABOVE MY BED. She didn't believe me and threw a fit when I told her to spray the hell out of the ceiling, and I ultimately ended up sleeping in the bathtub that night.

My second irrational fear is bees. Bees of any kind scare me. They act up my anxiety even when I understand that they won't mess with me if I don't mess with them. I will massively flinch if one flies by me, and that's just a docile honeybee reaction. If its a yellow jacket, a meat bee, or a wasp? I'm running. I'm leaving the room and hiding until someone kills it, and if I'm home alone when I see it then I'm staying in the bathroom with the door shut tight until someone gets home to kill the wasp. I cannot handle wasps. I flinched, dodge, and will make fearful whimpers if it flies to close to me when I notice it.

The third irrational fear is water, although its also partly from trauma. I already struggled with water. My mom for the longest time had me signed up for summer swimming lessons, but just like with trying to learn how to ride a bike, learning to swim didn't take either. Yes, I am a 25-year-old who does NOT know how to swim and am actually AFRAID to swim. It was already a struggle, even with my mom bribing me to try hard by saying she'd buy me a new Nintendo DS game if I did well that week (she knew I'd want a new Nintendogs game). This wasn't helped any when I was in my neighbor's above-ground swimming pool one day. It was his birthday and he was the only person who my mother let me visit the house of growing up, and he was 4-years older than me. So me, being a 5- to 6-year-old and him being a 9- to 10-year-old at that time was not the best match in my opinion now that I'm an adult. I was in the 10ft pool with my little arm floaties and the round ring floatie around my waist just vibing until he decided to coax me out of the ring floatie. I was sitting on one of the ladder steps without it on, it had floated to the other end of the pool, but I still had my arm floaties. Well, his adolescent brain thought it was going to be a funny joke to take one of my floaties to make me swim to get it. Well, he also knew I couldn't swim when he did this, and the end result was me panicking as I slowly started sinking due to now weighing more than the one arm floatie could handle and his dad had to jump in and get me out of the pool. This was the last time I swam at their house to this day.

Other factors in my growing up experience that didn't help me socialize were the fact I did have two older sisters, but they were adults by the time I was born. They are 19-years OLDER than I am. My mother was 19 when she had them (twins), and they were 19 when she had me (mom was then in late 30s when having me). So even though I did have sisters, I essentially grew up as an only child and so I don't have that actual sister connection with either of them. They were already out of high school and were working at Ross and had their own apartments. It didn't help either that on top of this, my mother was super paranoid and both she and my grandparents never let me go have play dates with other kids my age, and this was solely based on not knowing every minute detail about the parents of that child who wanted me to hang out. This led to nobody inviting me to birthday parties anymore or asking for sleepovers, which severely impacted my socialization skills. I wasn't able to have my first sleep over until I was in 6th or 7th grade when you should be growing OUT of that sort of thing by that age, and even then it only happened because my grandparents were friends with her dad thanks to being in the motorcycle business and my friend also being in the same martial arts class as me. So even when I FINALLY got to have a sleepover, I didn't understand what a "normal" experience was. I had never been to someone's house before (not counting my neighbor) and so I sort of was just... there? I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but I just... I didn't get it. But as I was getting towards 7th and 8th grade, I think that I yearned for it more both due to the lack of having it when I was little and because it also meant that I could get some freedom away from home, I wasn't stuck at home 24/7 if I was at my friend's house.

Something also that I have dealt with growing up, that I have only now recently found out is a symptom of female autism, is that I've had gut issues. I have suffered from GERD (gastrointestinal reflux disease) since... well, birth. Acid reflux has always been an issue with me, and especially as a baby. When growing up I didn't notice it as much during school, but its definitely noticeable as an adult now and I'm having to buy OTC esomeprazole medication in order manage it, and even then I'm taking MORE than the recommended dose on the bottle. Even then, the reflux would and does persist and at times I've gotten up every hour to drink milk to coat my esophagus so the acid has to burn through the milk fat first before getting to my throat tissue, and if that doesn't work then I resort to drinking a mix of baking soda and tap water. One cup with a small spoonful of baking soda. GERD isn't the only gut issue that I have, either. Doctors have tried everything that can to see why I suffer from chronic constipation but to this day have yet to come up with a reason why. In 2017, my senior year, at age 18, I had my first colonoscopy because of the constipation issues and that came back clean. I can go up to 2 weeks without a bowel movement and when I finally do, its like giving birth from the wrong hole. This is going to be a massive TMI, but it hurts. It makes the anus hurt, it makes me get hemorrhoids and bleed, the stool is rock hard and wont absorb any water, and when it comes out it more often than not is as big around as a tennis ball, hence the hemorrhoids. Think of a small child having this happen day in and day out with no doctor being able to identify WHY it happens. I would scream in pain and get told if I didn't stop screaming that someone would call the police thinking I was being r*ped and beat, so I'd be so stressed out when a bout of constipation happened. I'd be scared to scream out in pain but I'd be afraid of hold in that pain because I'd be told it was okay to cry and this and that. With that in mind, yes there was some trauma inflicted there on my family's part in threatening the police... but aside from that, with how bad this gut issue is despite all test results from birth to 18-years of age coming back clean and healthy, the only thing that makes sense is having gut issues related to autism. I have been listening to Olivia Hops on YouTube and for the first time tonight have I finally heard someone explain EXACTLY what I go through and having been told it was caused due to her autism causing gut issues.

Now, as a 25-year-old, I'm at a working age. I have a job as a dispatcher currently, but my previous job was as a barista. I became so irritated with people and while that's normal when you're in the customer service business and get treated like crap by both management and the public alike, it was so much more than that for me. I look back on it and honestly feel that I have been suffering from autistic burnout for the last 4 years because of how low my energy levels got during those 4 years. It got to the point where I was having breakdowns and got sent home from work on more than one occasion. I'd be too tired to do my job and slowly lost motivation for what I loved, which was making coffee. Now, as a dispatcher, I'm no longer directly in contact with the public. I'm in a small office scape with multiple monitors and cameras and the only people I really speak with is those in the security department and maybe someone from another department who goes through us to get a security officer to their location for something. The only time I am dealing with the public is over the phone if they're calling the casino for lost and found or asking about the current gaming promotions or if, God forbid, I have to call 911 and get EMS for an emergency.

Because I've had since July 2023 to finally breathe and relax, this is all has been coming to my mind. I've slowly began to notice little things that I do now as an adult that align with autism. I confided in two of my friends whether or not they ever has suspicions that I was autistic, as they are professionally diagnosed as such among other things. They both said yes, that there were instances where they considered the possibility but never said anything. This started my research into autism and how to presents in girls. With this, combined with the researched, I believe it all correlates to supporting the fact that I may be an undiagnosed autistic individual.

Today, I took online assessments and printed out the results to take to my doctor in order to hopefully get her on board with an official assessment and diagnosis. One test showed high results that supported the possibility of autism, while the other showed high possibility of being borderline or high-functioning autistic.

Because of this, until I get an official and professional diagnosis, I will remain firm in my self-diagnosis of being an undiagnosed autistic.

[ladytauria]

i think i reblogged it from you but never sent you questions, so for the book rec asks: 1, 13, 23, 44, 50, 54, 79, 92, 116, 130, 131 please!! thats A Lot, so feel free to pick and choose haha

ahhh thank u bean! i love talking books uwu

coming back up after answering to edit... um. bean, i'm so sorry for my answer on the last one xD i should have picked a different book. (i ranted. a little.)

1. a book that is close to your heart

there are a few books i could name, but i'm going to do the one i thought of first.

a girl of the limberlost. i only remember reading it once, but my mother is the one who gave it to me, and told me that it was a book she loved at my age at the time. (same with the secret garden.) so i can't think of that book without thinking of her, which makes it a little bit more special to me <3

13. your favorite romance novel

immediate impulse is to say legends and lattes by travis baldree bc. it's so good. however, while there is a romance i don't know if i would count it as a romance novel.

so.

the lady's guide to celestial mechanics. historical, sapphic, featuring both women in STEM (or, yknow, historical equiv) but also an appreciation for domestic arts / crafts normally looked down on. also there's an acknowledgement that homophobia existed, but there's none on page.

the prose is also gorgeous.

i don't actually read a ton of romance novels, but i've been trying to pick up more!

23. a book that is currently on your TBR

mmm, too many

but Our Wives Under the Sea - Julia Armfield went on sale on kindle the other day so! it's mine now <3 and one i've been eying for a while. the kindle cover isn't the one i wanted, but that's okay.

44. your favourite fantasy novel

a very large chunk of what i read is fantasy. this is HARD 😂

uhhh.

the locked tomb is technically sci-fi, isn't it?

fuck.

i'm gonna go with The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle bc it is the only book i purposefully own more than one copy of! would love to get my hands on the graphic novel <3

honorary mention to the Inheritence Cycle bc reading Eragon was what got me to start writing my first novel.

which absolutely wasn't just. Eragon but with griffin riders instead.

(okay, legitimately, there were differences, but there was also definitely heavy inspiration.)

50. a book that made you cry a LOT

i don't actually cry at much? the last time i remember actually crying was when i was reading an abridged version of little women and beth died xD

i'm trying to think of another book which really grabbed me emotionally recently that also isn't. already on this list. and i'm coming up empty?

54. a book with the best opening line

i don't have a good memory for opening lines ^^; however for some reason i want to say The Lightning Thief, so. that's what i'm going with.

79. a book that reminds you of your favorite song

my favorite song changes by the moment, so i don't have answer for this one ^^;

92. a book about a redeemable villain

kay, so i almost answered this question with the book i gave for the next question, but i realized i don't? read a lot of multi pov books?? or at least not that i remember being such. i did remember one but it was the second in a duology, so.

so.

anyway!

the closest i can think of atm would be Empress of Forever by Max Gladstone. (highly rec this one, though i was a little disappointed when the pairing i wanted didn't happen xD)

116. a book with multiple povs

The Stars Are Legion by Kameron Hurley.

this book.

i.

woof.

okay, so. if you are. remotely squeamish, like. at all? you might wanna give this one a pass. (def check storygraph / other places for trigger warnings. im also happy to elaborate myself, lol.) i am. very squeamish, and made it through only because the story grabbed me tight and wouldn't let go. the worldbuilding is extremely interesting. the characters are all very different and both likeable and unlikeable in a million different ways. but.

oh boy, it was a tough one.

if you're NOT squeamish, though--

it was a 4 or 5 star read for me, iirc, so, y'know. recommended. not sure i'll ever pick it up again, but like. do not regret reading.

130. a book featuring flashbacks and/or intersecting storylines

i know i've read others like this, but the book that comes to mind is--and i had to google this bc it's been so long since i read it---Thirst by Christopher Pike. It was also published under "The Last Vampire." i don't actually recommend them; i read them during my middle school vampire phase and even i remembered being a little mindboggled. mainly bc i think there was an alien abduction in... the second or third book? idk, i had an omnibus.

131. recommend any book you like!

there's only one answer i can give to this, tbh. the locked tomb series brainrot is real and deep and i am. both highly anticipating and dreading the release of alecto so.

i gotta recommend Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir.

that SAID, i am well aware that this book has a reputation on tumblr esp for being poorly summarized, as the most oft-used pitch is "lesbian necromancers in space."

this is not an inaccurate summary.

BUT.

it is also not complete.

so first, some expectations: it's sci-fi, definitely, but also there are a lot of fantasy vibes? probably because of the swords and the necromancy and the sworn knights-esque plot. uh. basically, it's sci-fi like star wars is sci-fi, but also it's. it's not star wars.

second thing: this series is unreliable narrator central. tamsyn picks the least qualified person in the group for you to follow the story with, and it works. so well. like, firstly bc ofc things get explained (some; it does drop you in and expect you to pick up a lot through context clues) but ALSO because you WILL pick up things you didn't on re-reads. i did a reread before Nona and spent half of it screaming. i'm not much of an annotator beyond highlighting some lines on kindle but i was commenting all over the place.

uh.

i still haven't talked about the plot, my bad.

Gideon the Ninth follows the titular Gideon, after her childhood nemesis and heir to the Ninth House, is invited to the First House by the God Emperor of the Nine Houses to seek quasi-immortality and join him in fighting a war as old as the Houses themselves. When they get there, though, they soon find their fellow heir-and-cavalier pairs being picked off one by one.

this book also features a lot of gay... not pining, not really, but like. Gideon likes women and her pov spends a lot of time appreciating the other women with them xD (this is also part of what makes her unreliable as a narrator. plot? what plot? gideon is here for thirsting, and a little bit of pining.)

also mild enemies to lovers vibes.

ALSO there are memes. there's a none pizza left beef joke in book 2, i'm still not over it.

does get a little squicky at times with loving descriptions of bones and viscera, though.

if i keep talking about this book i won't ever stop <3

[ book recs ask game ]

[mapledaemonism]

little vent, sorry we don’t post much and this is what we come back with but it’s bothering us lately

it’s a bit frustrating actually that so many plural spaces are hostile towards folks who aren’t Officially Diagnosed. and I don’t JUST mean in regards to daemonism, though that is part of it.

but more than just Ace and myself (the body owner), i KNOW there’s more of us in here. we as a collective have had moments that are blatantly a switch of fronting; moments where we’re talking to the body’s mother and suddenly have no clue who she is for a moment, until someone pipes up “that’s our mother, just keep talking”. and the voice saying that isn’t necessary an auditory hallucination, but more a feeling-thought, something not of words but not just of pure knowing either. the concept of “just keep playing along, she doesn’t know you’re not her kid anymore”. moments where all is fine and suddenly we’re dizzy and don’t know where we are or how we got here. the confusion only lasts a few moments - we’re quite good at context clues and sharing info between us, or perhaps sharing memories - but it’s still jarring when it happens.

we have triggers that aren’t always present for everyone - where it bothers one of us on a visceral level but not the others. (we can’t watch certain media because it’s triggering, but only to one of us). we have strong preferences in foods and music (f’ex, one of us hates peanut butter but someone else loves it. one of us hates pickles and someone else loves them. some of us enjoy metal but others prefer country.)

and the thing is, we probably won’t EVER get an official diagnosis, because us switching out or having our little isms isn’t detrimental to functioning in society. we’ve dealt with it for so long it’s second nature to us, and a professional wouldn’t be able to offer us anything new. we can’t even get it classed as a disorder because it doesn’t cause any real hangups or harm in our lives, and thus isn’t considered a disorder. after all, a disorder only is because it causes problems, yknow? so there’s no way to know if it’s trauma based or endo or WHAT caused it or WHY we’re here like this with the exception of Ace and one other (a tulpa/thoughtform). but that’s only two out of at least five, maybe more. we’re not sure the number, but we’ve found at least five distinctive personalities.

it COULD be trauma based, we HAVE trauma… technically. i say “technically” because no, it’s not like we remember being raped or beaten (though there’s some evidence we may have been touched, but no solid memories). we DO know we were severely neglected and emotionally abused. but again, it’s an instance of the fact that we’ve dealt with shit for so long that it no longer is disordered, because we’ve learned how to work around the disorder. we know how to be functional despite our issues. we don’t have the luxury of being able to tend to our exhaustion or to let our problems run our life, we have shit to do and expectations to live up to and deadlines to meet because we are functional-enough to pass for a normal adult in front of others.

but so many spaces aren’t friendly to us because we don’t know where some of us came from, and because others of us are here intentionally. it’s just… frustrating.

[hballegro]

[sad irl topic, nothing real real sad but i am indeed lamenting]

did not realize until i started adding lots of songs about loss to my Things Bloom playlist that i've been using it to tackle grief regarding my grandmother. listened to my new songs and went 'aw this one reminds me of grandma'

and then while re-reading the first 2 chapters to make sure the next one is matching the tone i remember stuff like

the funeral procession, driving by her house one last time, while my siblings and mother chattered and all i did was look out the window cause

how it felt going to her house for the first time since she passed, helping my aunt clean stuff up, looking at the newspapers still folded on the table, only the medical equipment missing

how it felt looking at the kitchen table and so clearly seeing her sitting in her chair with a cup of tea and laughing, being unable to sit in her chair because that was Her Chair, despite the fact it was no different from the others

how the night it happened around 8 pm, my sister wasnt in our dorm because she was out with her partner at the time, so i felt comfortable enough to cry, and cry i did, at least an hour, maybe more

showing up to class the next two weeks in the same giant baggy hoodie and big pants to just hide away

then recently, writing the new chapters, thinking about how it felt to be at christmas, already missing some family that were still showing up because of her, down 12 people, looking at the table she always sat at in the chair she sat in, watching my aunt's dogs look around for the person that always fed them table scraps

and how it felt to be composed the whole day, composed at the wake the day before and composed during the mass and composed during the ride over and composed during the approach through the graveyard by the geese and a few sparrows and a cardinal and then being at the gravesite where my grandpa was buried 3 months after i was born with my grandmother joining him 10 days shy of making it 20 years without him and watching her neices from ireland sprinkle dirt from back home in there and watching my youngest cousins toss down roses for her and finally, FINALLY letting myself blubber like a kid that lost their grandmother

just thinking there about how she'd never MAKE me have tea the RIGHT way, never make me an english muffin with too much butter, never overcook a turkey or make the best damned mashed potatoes ive ever had,

how i was angry that i had to go back to college literally the same day as the funeral, but also thankful because if i had just been left to lament around the house i woulda gone nuts

and maybe the biggest one of all, the line im proud of; every funeral ive been to has been rainy or at least overcast. there were only fluffy white clouds despite being late February

it just did not hit me until now that i was actually writing something i knew. the last time someone close to me died i was near 8, so i dont remember it all that well, but i remember and love my grandmother very much yknow. made my post earlier today abt how i almost cried making dinner because she made me go to church on sundays if i was at her house for a weekend, and the music i had on made me flash to sitting next to her in a pew and looking at her rosary wrapped around her wrinkled and manicured hands.

she looked like mrs doubtfire and sounded a little like her too. i dont like her son [my father] but her daughter is one of my favourite people in the world. the first time i wore the pearls she gave to me on my 4th birthday were to her funeral.

i look more like her than i do anyone else in the family, which, as i say that, reminds me of this.

when i think about her i cant hear specific words shes said but i hear her laughing and i see her smile and thats enough for me. i keep the one card i have addressed to me from both her and my grandfather in a special place.

there was one bit, on purpose, though. i needed a drink, so i picked her favourite;

im not sure what this post is. im not a big sharer when it comes to sad feelings, so im putting it here. im not that upset, i am fine, im just missing my grandmother tonight.

one day soon im gonna go see a friend, and show them the right way to make a pot of tea, i think. hell, maybe i'll get up and brew a pot right now, the right way. i dont have a cozy, but i dont think grandma will mind. ill even use the teacup she gave me :]

[chronicbloodynoses]

they’re so right abt the direct connection from social media and serotonin i made a post on instagram and ive gotten 4 likes and im jumping for joy

also i’ve officially lost my old account that i abandoned so idk im kinda happy LOL i just realised today that it’s no longer in my thingy where i could switch to it if i wanted

5 likes! idk how i stayed normal w my old account bc i literally was almost to 1000 followers+my average was around 30-50 ish but my peak was 100~ (if i remember correctly) (i choose to not check)

anyway! watching the office and i just finished a crazy ass episode from season 4 so don’t spoil anything for me or i will sell your organs also i finally did my book report and now im struggling to do my other assignment but yknow how it is 😔

next semester i’m gonna do a college writing and idk how im gonna manage but for book report stuff im just gonna do house of leaves it’s my favourite ever and i decided to do it for my normal english too just so i can REALLY analyse it bc i choose to NOT BE NORMAL abt ANYTHING and esp not my fav book bc i plan to take insane notes on all of it (but i canNOT annotate. putting a gun to my head b4 i write or highlight in a book. esp bc i plan to have this book 4ever and actually it’s a long story new paragraph

i want to have kids in the future and be able to have a lot of books for them to read

line break i hear my mother’s movie/show/idk and i hear a sex scene ive texted her begging to turn it down or i will purchase a fire arm

anyway! so in my house i want to be able to have a bunch of different books bc i just love the way that books look and i want to attempt to become an actual reader but idk it’s hard books usually suck butt!!!!!!!! but i love house of leaves pls pls pls read it

i should make every instance of house blue just like in the book i think that would be cool starting now the h word will be BLUE ……… if i rememberrrrrr yeah

my dilemma is- do i do homework or do i do nothing and possibly get high

homework? nothing really is due til wednesday+thursday

nothing? i totally want to do nothing and possibly get high bc that’s a lot more fun than writing about my writing process….. or creating lesson plans for first graders…….. but i mean i used chat got to help me with ideas so i think im gonna do andy warhol (we need to do it based on an artist) and try to get something thanksgiving-y or something idk also need to get our stupid paper back from our teacher bc she won’t give it back but next time i’m gonna say “hey! we would really appreciate it if you could fill this out during our teaching so we can get it back to our teacher ….” idk work in progress i thought of a better one earlier but yknow also i am bleeding profusely and it sucks butt but at least i’m not bleeding out of my butt LOL #coping uh anyway yeah i should prob figure out what im gonna do or try to get a gummy

BYE GUYS 🙈 ENJOY THE YAP FEST MAYBE

[insayninthamembrayn]

Ive always had issues with sleep..ever since i was a child. Im used to it.

I could go hours, days, weeks, sometimes months without sleep. It doesnt bother me anymore. I came to terms with it.

…did i leave the door open..? Jesus how long was it open…? Did Konnie leave it open?...nah im positive i closed and locked it.. Maybe Konnie left something in the car? No she's asleep. She fell asleep before i took a shower. Did someone break in?...no i would know..i would be able to smell them..and this is a small apartment.. Plus..they would have attacked us by now.

Yknow that feeling you get when you sometimes feel the presence of someone…even when they arent there..? 

I could call the police..nah i cant do that..what would i tell them? They broke in while my girlfriend was sleeping and i was in the shower? It feels like someones in my house? Thats stupid.

…did i leave my studio open…? 

…what was that noise…?

If Konnie saw me now she would call me crazy. Then again this could all be in my head…just a million thoughts…and it was just an open door.

I had no choice.

Just in case who or whatever was in my house rent free wants to get froggy and start a knife fight..i got the knife…and i brought the gun too.

Maybe i can sit in the corner of the family room so i can watch over the house…or maybe i can sit in the corner of our bedroom and not only watch the door but konnie as well? 

I dont know who or whats here…

I have an idea..but i couldnt see her…

Not yet at least…

For a moment i contemplated on waking Konnie up…as bitchy as she may get at least she would be safe…but she would have thought i was crazy.

I looked around. one. Last. TIME.

….oh…

There she is…

In the corner of my room she watch me as i watched her.

Who is she you might ask…

What is she…?

I couldnt tell you. Shes always been “The bitch who tormented me since i was four”. Call it hallucinations if you want…i know what i saw…or what i have been seeing.

She looked different than all the other times ive seen her in the past 16 years. Normally she was a black figure with white dots for eyes. Sometimes she would appear as something i feared or someone i loved. My dead mother, one of my siblings, even my own girlfriend. But when you see something for so long its not so surprising anymore. I knew better.

My girlfriend doesnt have a zipper down her body…

I was too deep in the staring contest with this bitch to notice my girlfriend trying to get my attention…

“Babe!” 

“Hm?”

“A-are you ok…?”

“Yeah…are you ok? Your all sweaty and shaky…”

“W-what where you staring at…?”

“Maybe a ghost…oooooooo”

“I dont fucking know maybe…and take this shit seriously.”

“Maybe you just had sleep paralysis?”

“Nah…i dont think so…”

“Why not?”

“Because if this was a ghost…i saw the woman in a black dress too…”

Im used to her presence…

But shes targeting my loved ones now…

Me and konnie were in for a very. long. talk.

(inspired by a horror short film. characters created by me. ill draw them when i get my phone back)

[orbitalbeetle]

Okay so. they got rid of the no cross clan mates rule and some other rules because Ashfur abused going to StarClan to posess Bramblestar's body and then Bramblestar got ptsd and Squirrelstar and deputy Ivypool is our current situation (also leafpool got hit by a rock and died) and this is our current warrior code

HOWEVER Puddleshine (the shadowclan medicine cat) is ALREADY calling out the bullshit on the new rules because they had a rule that you could demote a leader IF 2/3rds of the clan + at least one medicine cat agreed and this lady name Berryheart (mother of Sunbeam, one of the current main characters) started a cult to overthrow ShadowClan's leader and Puddleshine agreed to join to show it was bullshit AND ThunderClan currently has multiple cats not really related to anyone in the clan (Daisy, Stormcloud, Twigbranch, Wafflepaw) and they are NOT breeding them with anyone we are in Firestar's bloodline until we die. Firestar's bloodline is now in ShadowClan and WindClan too BUT for the past two series' we've had medicine cats who can hear voices (Shadowsight + Frostpaw) and they did cool plots with both of them (Shadowsight believed he was listening to StarClan but it was actually Ashfur telling him to kill Bramblestar and at the end of it he became a medicine cat who could no longer speak to StarClan) which is so cool and then we had Frostpaw (Her mom, Curlfeather, lied to Mistystar about her having visions so she could become a medicine cat and allow Curlfeather to control the choice of who the next clan leader would be) which was GREAT and we LOVE Frostpaw she is the best and the cutest but oh my god I am already so tired of it. also Rootspring could technically hear voices but that's genetic so it doesn't count

that's actually so surprising that they got rid of the cross clan mating ruLEAFPOOL DIED BECAUSE A ROCK FELL ON HER???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FALLING TO MY KNEES SHE WAS ONE OF MY FAVOURITES o(-( ashfur drama also sounds insane wdym they redid the warrior code including cross clan mates because a jealous ex possessed a guy LMFAO (i'm sure it's more complicated than that but man boiling it down like that is so funny) deputy ivypool and squirrelstar is based tho

the puddleshine stuff actually sounds so interesting (so does the other medicine cat stuff) maybe i gotta start reading the books again.............

reading this was like getting repeatedly slapped in the face while thinking it couldn't get crazier and the thing that fucking got me was WAFFLEPAW. is that real. there's no way that's real. yknow it makes sense that he's not related to firestar by blood or cat marriage. would be a disservice to his character. because. yknow . firestar doesn't like waffles

[aajjks]

this one’s for you big blue!

BC!JK

dear diary,

i’m a simple girl or at least i think i am.

i like drawing, eating, sleeping, and all of that boring stuff.

somehow i’ve been surviving school but it wasn’t easy, trust me. i’ve managed to make two friends (finally) 😮‍💨 but it required me to come out of my bubble anddd that’s okay because they’re really cool.

friend #1 is choi danielle! she’s our new transfer student that used to go to school in australia but her mother got a job in korea and guess what? I’M HER FIRST FRIEND 😁👭

hmm…what else???

OH! my crush 💗 eunwoo 💗 looked at me today!!!! he. looked. at. ME. aaaahhh, i can finally die happily knowing my crush acknowledged me today even though it was because i was yet again bullied by the bully club. the worst people in the whole world 👿 and guess what, diary? they’re ALL BOYS!!! they pick on everybody and make everyone’s life a living hell.

the oldest is kim seokjin, min yoongi, jung hoseok and kim namjoon. they’re all very good looking but don’t let their good looks fool you THEY’RE EVIL I TELL YOU EEVILLLLL!!!! next are the brats of the group: park jimin and kim taehyung 😒

jimin is the captain of the dance team at our school and i won’t lie, he’s an amazing dancer but he’s still EVIL. taehyung is evil too, he may be the president of our fashion and design club but…you get it.

last but not least, the leader, the THORN IN MY SIDE, jeon

before you could finish writing in your journal, here comes the handsome devil himself, jeon jungkook AKA the golden maknae and leader of the bully club.

even though the club picks on numerous amounts of people in the school, somehow the group always likes to pick on you. they threaten you with false information if you don’t do their homework, they push you around, make you run errands for them, and diminish your self esteem.

the bully club HATES you. every fiber of your being, i mean, it’s what their leader tells them. you’re a nerd, a loser who doesn’t deserve the kindest treatment but despite the brewing HATE the club has for you, there’s a certain person that admires you.

he won’t say it to your face because he has to look cool! he has a reputation to uphold here and while his friends fuck around with the prettiest girls in school here he is crushing on the nerd he hates. the nerd he made his friends hate, that “person” is none other than jeon jungkook.

yeah that’s right, THE LEADER LIKES YOU yet he bullies you and in that same sentence, he can’t stand anyone bullying you, looking at you, flirting with you, or even touching you unless it’s him.

sooner or later you’ll realize you love him too, i mean what’s a man to do? he has a reputation to uphold and he’d rather eat his cake with his ice cream too. he’ll figure out how to come to you with his feelings but until then…

“HEY GIVE THAT BACK!!!”

“aww is the little nerd writing in her diary?”

“hmm let’s see, oh look at what she said about us taehyung! she said we’re “eeevil” hahahaha”

“QUIT IT!!? GIVE IT BACK YOU ASSHOLE!!!”

the septet toss your diary around until it lands in jungkook’s hands and when he reads it he feels his heart sink when he sees eunwoo’s name surrounded by hearts.

you have a crush on someone and it’s not him…

“Oh look guys the little whores got a crush on someone.” Jungkook says, laughing but inside his heart is burning, he wants to clench his jaw just wants to scream at you, but right now he can’t.

But it’s hard for him to pretend that he is fine right now because he really isn’t. You got a crush on that pretty boy that’s not even in your class? “Eunwoo is his name~~” jungkooks grip on the book tightens as he says the name out loud. Taehyung raises his eyebrow and SeokJin just shrugs.

“Oh fuck so we’re evil, huh?” Jimin chuckles. “Oh poor baby.” Namjoons mocking you and hoseok laughs at your helpless expression, Yoongi isn’t really interested right now.

Jungkooks jealous. “Oh yknow that pretty boy?” Jungkook suddenly speaks, “isn’t he your senior, you little whore?” Jungkook grits his teeth, and the guys decide to leave the both of you alone.

“So… he’s got your little heart in his hands? Aw poor you.” Jungkook starts laughing. “he’s way out of your league. And he’s probably dating some girl.” He stalks closer to you as he’s taking something out of his pocket.

His eyes are set on you like a predator and you begin to sweat, he’s enjoying the fear in your eyes, and especially the flash of hurt that’s visible in your eyes. “YOURE ugly.” He spits.

All because of you, he feels sick to his stomach right now.

“I’m the thorn by your side?! Fuck you.” he grits. His teeth is finally letting his anger get the best of him as he takes out his lighter. He smirks as he lights it up and brings it to your diary, “I’m gonna burn this shitty little book of yours.” He says before setting fire to the page.

And he is laughing at he sees the name of your crush burning to nothing but trash, and you finally let your tears fall.

It satisfies him, but he feels his heartbreak at the same time.

[cheemken]

Some more SilkWing au stuff, abt the Johto trio this time

They met at Elm's lab, altho Silver already had his own starter Pokémon, he also wanted to get more ofc, he couldn't be a strong champion w just one pkmn, so at the start of his journey, Lance brought him to New Bark Town, as Elm sent him a message that there are two other trainers in his lab waiting for their starter pkmn too. So yeah, they got there, and thats where Silver met Gold and Kris, and yeah he actually didn't pay attention to them, he just ignored them as they waited for Elm. When Elm got there, he was going on abt the mons being out their pokeballs and how it raises friendship faster and such and you could form bonds w them better, he even used Silver as an example as his Larvitar was always out its pokeball

But yeah, Silver wanted to choose first, but Lance told him to let the other trainers choose their starters first, as he already had one of his own, it's only fair. As much as he hated it, he just let them be, which left him w Totodile, it didn't matter, he wanted Totodile in the first place anyways, he's the strong looking one out of all the starters. Lance did suggest that maybe the three of them can be rivals, to help each other grow stronger, maybe they should even battle, and ofc Silver wanted to show them how strong he was. He won ofc, Gold didn't mind and Kris honestly didn't care much for battles. After that Lance left, wishing Silver good luck on his journey.

Gold was amazed tho that he met the Champion at the start of his journey, even get to meet one of his kids, and told Silver that he's gonna be stronger than him soon, and that motivated Silver at least hahah

But yeah, just GSC/HGSS events but a bit different, Silver was still a lil shit honestly, pushing his Pokémon to their limit, and it's Kris who actually tells him to be more gentle w them, as Pokémon aren't tools, they have feelings too. Silver didn't listen to her ofc, told her that if doesn't train them to be the very best then he won't ever become the Champion. Kris looks at him, "what's the point in becoming a Champion if your own Pokémon doesn't like you."

"shut up. You're just jealous I'm stronger than you and that other weakling."

"his name is Gold, and he's not weak. If anything, you're the weak one. You're the son of two Champions, but you will never be at their level if you continue treating your Pokémon like trash."

And she left him, heading to Goldenrod to look for Gold and even help stop Rocket in the Radio Tower. That would probs be the wake up slap for him tho. That he really was so caught up in becoming strong, to prove that he'll be like his parents, but he ended up treating his mons like shit and if anything, his mother would be really disappointed. He was so blinded by his own determination to be stronger he never bothered to form bonds w his pkmn, and he hated to admit that Kris was right. He won't be champion if he continues to treat his Pokémon like trash.

And just cjdmnd yknow him showing up just in time when Kris and Gold were outnumbered by Rocket Grunts, and while they could've handled it, Kris only has four pkmn that aren't that trained for battle, and Gold has one left who isn't fainted. Imagine their surprise, just as an Arbok was about to attack them, it got blocked by a Tyranitar, its own Crunch strong enough to knock it out. They looked behind them and saw Silver, tossing Gold revives, "heal your team up, I can't fight all of them myself."

And offc that was a shock to them bc Silver?? Admitting he can't fight all them?? After all the times he said he'll beat Rocket by himself?? Damn, what kinda ghost haunted him to change his mind

Gold laughed tho, healing up his Pokémon, it really was a relief having Silver w them now, "never thought I'd hear you say that, Silv. But I'm glad you got our backs."

Kris did smile at him tho, quietly saying just for Silver to hear, "and I never thought you'd listen to me."

Silver tried his best to ignore them, but.. despite his denial, he was honestly so fucking glad he got there in time before they got hurt

And yeah all that stopping Rocket thing, meeting Giovanni again, fucked Silver up so much but like he didn't want him as a father, he had Lance, and Giovanni just left him be ofc, what's the point anyways, but like yknow maybe Lance did get there just in time too, and got Gio behind bars now, and Silver didn't even want to visit him. They don't know if Gio's influence is that strong really that maybe Rocket will come back a third time and get him outta jail, but at least they'll be prepared now

Through that Silver went through a shitton of character development, and yeah got to know his pkmn more, got his Golbat to evolve to Crobat, even got help from Kris to help him evolve his Haunter to Gengar, happy that she got Gengar registered in her Dex too. He even got to know Kris and Gold more too, and it was nice, that after everything they somehow became friends

But yeah years later, Silver is still a lil shit let's be real, he can't help it, but at least he knows how to control it now. He would never say this in front of them, but he's like,, really whipped when it comes to Kris and Gold. He'd go on how Gold knows a lot abt pkmn and abt egg moves and IVs bc he helps at his grandparents' daycare, and even his pkmn have perfect IVs, even tho Gold really didn't care much for that, he just loves his pkmn really. And Kris is the first ever person he met to have completed Johto's Pokédex, and is halfway through completing Kanto's Dex too, he admires her dedication when it comes to her studies regarding pkmn, and he even learned a lot from her too. Like this boy will do anything for his friends, but he's like,, he's so shit at telling them he cares that he'd end up buying them really expensive things he thinks they'd like in hopes he gets the message across

[precious-little-kitty]

I don’t really know why but, my mother has said a few times that her letting me have friends is a privilege. And getting to talk to them and stuff. And of course I know that stuff like that, is infact a privilege, but it’s very scary and upsetting thinking that my mother could just be like “ oh you’re not allowed to have friends that’s a privilege I allow you to have. “

And I know I don’t have to be with my friends all the time, I don’t need to be, but I’d like to be able to join them when I want to and I’m reasonably able to. I see my friends doing fun things, like watching stuff, discussing fun things, particularly in calls and it’s like.. I want to be apart of that. I want to be with them if they’re hanging out, during times they’d be more than happy to have me there. Which is yknow, often, especially considering im part of a lot of the things they’re doing. Like the games they play, the events they hold, the things we’ve created together. I’m lucky with the events I can ask ahead of time to be there for them, so worst case scenario they can reschedule within fair reason, but I want to be able to be there for the spontaneous fun stuff they do. For the games they play, the things they say, the funny things they decide to do. I know I can do some of them, but only on rare occasion or late at night. Which is still rare occasion. It’s even worse when they want me there or enjoy me being there, because I know for a fact they want me to be there as much as they are too. They’ve said it themselves. And of course they’re perfectly understanding of the fact I’m often unavailable because I’m busy or my mothers around and I don’t want them to hear her, or because I don’t want to risk it, or because of any other thing. They understand perfectly. But it’s not because they don’t understand, it’s because I want to be included and join the things that they ALSO want me to be there and join in.

Me and my mother have fought just.. a lot. It’s been bad. I want to be nice, and I do try to control the way I react, I know she doesn’t deserve it sometimes, so I don’t understand why I still get so frustrated and irritated by her so easily. It doesn’t help when the irritation bounces off of one another either. I’ve become so conscious of things lately, as in like, constantly thinking about every single action I’m making. I think “ if I do this she’s gonna do that “ or “ if I do this i’m going have to do that. “ etc etc

I love my mom. I really do. I try to tell myself I do at least because I can’t think of why I shouldn’t. I really don’t have to do that much. I don’t. So I don’t understand why it’s so hard? The hardest thing to do is getting started and I know I can make it fun for myself, or just keep my mind in a different place all together. I do that often. It’s hard to stay conscious of the present moment of my own actions with her occasionally because my mind is always in a different place thinking of something else that happened or something or someone else that actually makes me happy. I try to think of whatever caused this stuff, because it’s really only with her, I’ve noticed this with very very few other people, maybe it’s intolerance? Teenage angst? Laziness granted I don’t want to think of it?

I think maybe it’s because of how small our space is. I don’t want to be ungrateful, im sure a bigger place would be hard to manage, we’re barely doing good with this one, and we can’t afford more, but maybe it’s that? We don’t have a lot of space from each other at all. The kitchen is small with little room to move around when both of us are trying to do things, and I am incredibly touch avoidant, it feels very.. not great to me. I try to be lineant, but some days I’m more tolerant than others. The kitchen is the main space besides the living room. So it’s often very messy. Our clothes are often piled up, the counters sometimes dirty for days with food particles and dishes she leaves and trash and things of the such, the floor often scattered with litter because of the cat box being right there, we often bump into the dog water because we have no actual place for it, the dogs pee on the floor a lot, and often rip out trash. The dogs (mainly one) bark and jump a lot and it’s incredibly overstimulating. I cant tolerant at least the one dog anymore. I love him but I can’t. I think all of that concentrated into just once space is just not good and piling up maybe?? We only have one bathroom too, because the other is kinda messed up but mainly because there’s a lot of stuff being stored into it. The dogs poop everywhere as well, and I’m the only one who cleans it up, mom won’t do it, but I don’t contribute much of anything anyways so it’s probably fine. Still sucks though where there’s three piles of shit and one of them has been there for at least a day or two.

I stopped typing for a bit and everything feels very slow and timeless in a sad somber way and I don’t know if that’s normal. I’ve been getting a little better about the disassociation but I think it’s because of my constant “ thinking about every single action and it’s consequences and being aware of everything and everyone because of our own internal issues “ anxiety. Is that anxiety? I think so.

Our living room is probably the calmest place. There’s still stuff in it buts it less and we have a bigger couch now. She sits on one edge, I sit on the other. It’s covered in different blankets because of the cats. I want to be in my room but I’m just not very motivated in there, and she’d probably get upset at me being in there all the time. Just as she gets mad at me for being on my phone (I do other things, and I often WANT to do other things, I just don’t like doing them around her for some reason. I’ve worked on this a little and I’m kinda getting better, but still.) which sometimes is understandable, but other times I’m just getting upset at the fact that she’s telling me that she’s going to break it because of it.

I know she probably isn’t all that bad. We’re both reasonably frustrated at each other for somethings, but other times it’s like.. I don’t know. I’m scared to do things or be around her half the time. I often find myself feeling anxiety or scared when she wakes up or exits her room, and I find myself trying to avoid her dogs too. I love her, I know what she does for me, I know I should be grateful cause others have it worse, but I’ve found myself recently just feeling so… disconnected. Detached from her. I don’t feel the urge to call her or associate her with mom unless it’s in a negative light. Like I know and acknowledge she is, but it’s like.. when I say I love you to her it feels empty, like I don’t actually mean it. I find it very hard to apologize to her as well. But I don’t want to hurt her or anything either cause I know she loves me. Me mentioning this to her would devastate her, probably. I don’t want to do that. When it comes to things like this I often remember when she found out I had a relapse a year back or so, and the face she made. I don’t want to see that or do that to her again. She’s told me before that she thinks she’s failed me, or that she doesn’t think she’s a good mom/has asked if she is, and I assume is worried about it.

I don’t know anymore. I’m confused by my own things and I just. I don’t know what to do or what to think or where any of this comes or stems from. I’ll try writing down the things she’s done and also try to figure out what effects that could’ve had on me and hers relationship. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her sometimes, and I’ve kinda given up on what would and wouldn’t set her off. I know she’s ADD and Bipolar, and she’s mentioned the bursts of angry now and again and I’ve seen it, but it’s still just… I don’t know.

I thought of how calm and happy I was at my fathers, but I know for a fact I wouldn’t think of staying there. There’s some things I’m just not willing to tolerate.