#or the cancers in her brain now or what
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jessiesjaded · 2 years ago
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I don't want to go visit my nan anymore...
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harmonybarmy · 4 months ago
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baby we are dropping like flies over here my great aunt passed this week.
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crypt1dcorv1dae · 1 year ago
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My mom has always had a habit of unofficially "adopting" any wayward young people in her life, like if any of us (her kids) had friends who were in any way IN NEED OF PARENTING she would be like "anyone gonna give this child love and support?" And not wait for an answer.
She would probably do the same for my Internet Friends if they ever met her lol. Like fair warning to all friends if we ever meet IRL my mom WILL try to adopt you, be careful
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sweetdreamspootypie · 1 year ago
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Plagueblogging / covid nursing 2023
#Unexpected development in covid nursing this season#Generally the intensity of covid itself seems to be less#Compared to this time last year#I guess different variant plus widespread vaccination in the older demographic especially#So now rather than high octane respiratory nursing#It's worked out now that we've got room and there's a rolling forever outbreak#That now we are getting send all the cancer oncology renal haematology patients that test positive#So now instead of general medical nursing#It's leaning much heavier towards oncology nursing#Which is. Idk there's a shift#Usually with medical it's a really obvious decline as people go towards end of life and we can make it relatively graceful#But man brain mets are another beast#There's a patient I never met but was just there for the edges of#And I think it will be a while before they don't linger in my mind#I'm so glad the family were onto it and we're accepting and understood her journey#And she was able to pass peacefully with them there#But man I'm glad I wasn't the one who had to make those calls#I was guiding the new grad with advice but they ultimately made different choices than I would#Luckily the patient and family's wishes were able to be followed#But imagining the what ifs of me being in that position had me bursting into tears again#Good practice#I'd have to know to find my voice and ask the question - do you want me to call a medical emergency or do you want some quiet?#That's not a question we usually have to ask because it's not usually so quick so the goals of care can be updated#Cancer cw
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fingertipsmp3 · 1 year ago
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I’m not even gonna lie, my grief over Mabel is making me insane
#every time i remember she’s not here i hear this roaring in my ears and i just break down and cry#i keep trying to pretend she’s just asleep in the other room but it’s not working#looking at pictures of her just makes me cry. the people who will be cremating her are going to take a clipping of fur and a pawprint from#her for me but i don’t know what i’m going to do with those things. like where i’ll put them#i know once i’m a bit more emotionally stable i’ll regret not having them. i wish i had some of kim’s fur. i forgot the feel of his fur so#quickly and i always struggled with that. but i also know that having pieces of mabel won’t comfort me in the slightest right now because i#just want her back and i feel so so so guilty even though i know it was her time#she’d gone so senile that she had a panic attack every time she went on a walk. it could last up to an hour. she was restless; refusing to#nap & barely able to sleep. she was riddled with arthritis to the point you could only touch her head; paws & maybe her chest#she bit if you tried to clean her or have her wear anything or sometimes if you put her lead on her. she never used to do that. that was a#new development that started in about june-july after she had two strokes. her little heart was racing and she was panting all the time f#she also had this growth in her mouth that may or may not have been infected or cancerous and she wasn’t letting us examine it. we wouldn’t#have been able to adminster treatment either because she’d bite and thrash if we tried to look in her mouth#but she was still eating and drinking okay… drinking too much if anything. and she was more or less continent. and she would have some lucid#moments where she was wagging her tail at us and requesting pets. she could get in and out of the house no problem#it was just quality of life because i knew she was in pain & her brain and heart were both shutting down and she wasn’t able to enjoy stuff#like walks that she used to love. and i knew she wouldn’t survive this winter because she haaaated the cold#but i still feel guilty because i know she could probably have lived another month. but it’s also like. how much would that month of life#have stressed her out? she’d already forgotten lots of people like my stepdad; my grandparents; my best friend and her kid. if she’d have#forgotten me and/or the house she would’ve been scared all the time and i never wanted that for her. i wanted her to have a good last couple#of days. and i think she did but there’s part of me that still feels so guilty and wishes she was still here#even if she was just eating and drinking and sleeping. even if she stopped letting me pet her. but then i know i’d have been keeping her#around for me. i feel like i ended her suffering but i also potentially robbed her of some happy moments#i just can’t get over the guilt of leaving her on that floor by herself. i sat there for ages waiting for someone to carry her out but then#i realised they were waiting for me to leave so i just walked out and it felt so wrong. she would have hated that she went to sleep on a#cold hard floor. she didn’t even lie on the floor voluntarily. she slept on the dining room couch or in her bed#i can’t stop crying whenever i think of it. i feel like shit and i don’t know how to move on#i put all her things in the garage to be sorted out when i’m less upset. apart from her collar and her blankets#i put her collar around one of the stair bannisters and i gave her blankets to my friend for her dog#i don’t know what i’ll do when she comes back to me in an urn. scream and cry and throw up probably
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icarusredwings · 3 months ago
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Thinking about Wade's life and his mental health issues a lot, and I just thought about this. Not only being abused, but his entire brain being made out of cancer, and the fact that oxygen was physically taken from his brain over the course of 2+ days multiple times?
We see him coloring a lot and claim multiple times that he doesn't/ can't read (this is probably a bit, I guarantee he can read), but it had me thinking what if some days were more childish then others as part of his coping mechanisms?
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At first, Logans was really confused about why Althea puts up with it until he realizes that it's extremely good for him to just... be taken care of? Praised and given affection for the bare minimum? He thinks it's weird. This wasn't the same man he was fighting with yesterday.
Coming into the living room, he sees Wade sprawled out with crayons and markers all around him with multiple pictures already coloured, his notebook having pages ripped out of it as he kicks his feet and hums.
On the tv, there are cartoons playing. Once in a while, he'll look up at the tv and then go back to coloring. "What are you doing??"
"Hi wolvie. 'm colouring."
"He's behaving, so don't ruin it." Al says. There's pictures by her, and she is holding a box of cereal.
"O..kay??" Sitting down, he's almost too curious to just walk away, picking up puppins so she doesn't ruin his drawings, petting her confusedly.
Sometimes, Al will hold out some cereal in her hand. "Wade." And he will see him shimmy over and take the cereal. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, baby."
As hes scooting back to his color spot he stops and watches the tv for a bit longer then usual.
"...What.. the fuck." Logan says to her and she gives him a brow raise. "What?"
"What is he doing?"
"He's coloring. And I thought I was the blind one."
"No no I mean.. those aren't murder plans. That's puppins."
"Yes? And?"
"And.. what did you do to him?"
"Treated him like a human being. Give it a try once inawhile." She says, and he comes back with more pictures, climbing in between them with no regard for space as he leans into her.
"Oh thank you. What is it?"
"It's you."
"Oh? How sweet. Do I look good?"
"Mhm!"
"Im glad. How about you show our friend here your amazing pictures. And he better be nice!"
So wade turns and now is leaning on logan as he points to a different picture. One of Logan with Puppins on a leash with a sun in the corner and crappy grass, a hearts all over the place.
At first he wants to tell him to get off of him, but seeing the pictures and how excited his eyes were to show him, it hits him and he understands.
".. uhm.. thank you?" But he puts it back in his hand. "Oh- you want me to keep it?"
Wade nods and starts cleaning up his crayons.
Logan turns to whisper to Al "How long does this go on?"
"About 2 hours or so."
"Why?"
"God only knows, but it helps with his nightmares."
"Colouring helps with his nightmares??"
"Its more then that. Hey sweetheart? Why don't you bring your ponys out."
"Theyre horses."
"Oh im sorry, my mistake. I think logan here wants to play horses."
Logan gives her a look like excuse me? When did I sign up for that? "No.. uhm.. I think im good."
Wade gets this look of sad innocence but goes to get them anyway, beginning to play by himself, brushing them and making them talk to each other quietly. As if he speaks any louder, he would get hit.
Logan groans and is like "Gimme a fucking horse.."
From then on, Logan is quick to understand what's happening and is much nicer to him, starts giving him snacks, buying him actual coloring books, and has pinned his drawings to the fridge each time he's gifted one. His horses name is Buttercup, by the way.
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shizucheese · 9 months ago
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Hey guys, we need to talk. Because a certain little something in TMAGP 8 is causing what is genuinely the most toxic part of the Magpod fandom at large to once again rear its ugly head. So let's talk about podcast character appearance head canons, shall we?
I'm tagging this with the Magnus Archives, TMA and Magpod tags because I am absolutely calling all of you out, but if you don't want spoilers for The Magnus Protocol episode 8 then stop reading right now.
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. Okay, so, Gerry exists in the TMAGP universe. He's happy (or at least acts cheerful). And some people have headcanoned this to mean that he is no longer goth, or at the very least isn't dying his hair black with bad box color. And other people have decided to get seriously agro over this. I have literally seen with my very own eyeballs someone call "un-gothing" Gerry a "hate crime" and calling the person they were talking to "gothphobic."
Let me make this absolutely clear for all of you: podcasts are a purely audio medium and unless a physical trait of theirs is explicitely stated, everyone's headcanon for how a character appears is valid. Goth TMAGP Gerry is valid. But also
Rainbow Goth TMAGP Gerry is valid. Pastel Goth TMAGP Gerry is valid.
Not Goth At All TMAGP Gerry is valid.
Bald Gerry who has actually gotten his brain cancer diagnosed in time and is getting treated for it is valid. Somebody's headcanon of a character that has no canonical description to them, or whose headcanon matches the few crumbs of canonical description we have but otherwise doesn't look the way you imagine them to, is not going to take away from your own headcanon of what a character looks like. If someone imagining or drawing a character looking a different way from how you imagine them looking somehow takes away from your enjoyment of the fandom or otherwise makes you feel like you need to barge in and tell them that they're Wrong and need to conform to your headcanon or else, that is a reflection on you, not them.
And this problem way predates TMAGP, let alone TMAGP 8. The only description we have of John is that he is in his early 30's and has prematurely greying hair.
If someone thinks he looks like the pastiest motherfucker to ever dwell in a basement, an extra-in-the-Adam's Family or Tim Burtan protagonist of a man, let them.
What's that? You want to tell them that John is BROWN and if they don't headcanon him looking that way they're WRONG and RACIST? Back away from the keyboard and go outside.
(Ironically, as someone who started getting grey hairs in my hair in my 20's myself, I'm pretty sure everyone's headcanon of John, with tiny little whisps of grey in his hair, is wrong, because if he was so grey that people were surprised to learn he was "a child of the 90's," he was probably full on salt-and-pepper when he was in his 20's.)
The only description we have for Martin is that he (man who canonically has the self esteem of a used doormat) describes himself as "not the smallest guy", Not-Sasha called him "roomy", Melanie is skinner than him, and Jonny said he imagined him as a "bigger guy" who would beat Alex in a physical fight. If someone decides to take this information and conclude that it means he's tall, broad and has muscle, rather than that he's overweight, fucking let them. If your first instinct to this is to run to your keyboard and call them "fatphobic" or otherwise bash them for it, I once again urge you to back away from your keyboard and go outside.
Someone headcanons Basira not wearing a headscarf? We have exactly 0 canonical physical description of her and the people who headcanon her as having one are basing that purely off of her name alone. Fucking let them. Someone headcanons Melanie and/ or Georgie as a skin color you don't agree with or a hairstyle you don't like? Fucking let them. As long as someone's headcanon of a character's description doesn't contradict the few canonical descriptions we have of a character, why do you care? Them having a different headcanon from you doesn't take away your right to imagine the characters looking however you like, anymore than it should take away their right to do the same. Someone headcanoning John as white (or Black, or Asian, or Mixed, or whatever) isn't going to make all of the fanart of John as brown with long hair suddenly disappear, nor the fanfiction describing him as such (although I do often wonder if the opposite is not true; is the fact that John looks the same in so much of the fanart I see on here really because of fandom "consensus", or is it because people are absolutely awful to anyone who draws him Different?). Someone headcanoning Martin as not fat isn't going to make the mountains of fanart of him as a fluffy little marshmallow vanish into the void (although I do remember hearing about someone getting bullied off the internet for daring to draw Martin as not fat). And someone headcanoning Gerry in TMAGP as not being goth isn't going to take away your preciouse goth TMAGP Gerry headcanon. That should be part of the fun of it, shouldn't it? Seeing what different images people have conjured in their heads of these characters we only get to experience with our ears, and celebrating the differences as well as the similarities? Why are we bullying people into conforming to one appearance of a character when no actual canonical appearance of them exists?
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astrolovecosmos · 1 year ago
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❤️‍🔥Venus & Mars❤️‍🔥
Written from the perspective of Venus representing femininity and Mars masculinity. Please take this with a grain of salt.
Aries Venus: Warrior Queen, hellfire eyes, won't take no for an answer, upfront, hungry for action, red petals and lips, all eyes on her, can leave a burn or scar.
Aries Mars: Ardent eyes and lips, fiery protector, a good competitor, rescuer, conquering libido, always at 100, hot days and unforgettable nights.
Taurus Venus: Irresistible charm or look, low-key seductive, enduring and magnetic, slow burn, dream weddings or dates, romantic touch, comforting and content, careful with hearts.
Taurus Mars: Caring hands, hedonistic attitudes, down-to-earth until they're not, things are always on their time, level-headed or stable assertiveness, smells good, shares with those they love their soft spot.
Gemini Venus: Shapeshifting enchantress, leading you astray or into ecstasy or both, bright feathers and dazzling wings, sharp talons and a sharper tongue, curious creature, get lost in her eyes, movements, or storms.
Gemini Mars: Lightning-fast energy but airy to be around, wins you over with humor, takes pride in his intellect, upbeat and always around a crowd or working one, bewitches with ease and passion.
Cancer Venus: Mysterious and soft glows, gentle and kind, a protective force of nature, messy and engulfing feelings, hard to fall but when they do they fall hard, can be others safety, gets her way.
Cancer Mars: Silent and strong type or insightful and tenderhearted, deep and sensitive, trustworthy vibes, that moody artist or introverted mystery, a wall or door people are tempted to investigate, a powerful guardian, never gives up.
Leo Venus: Strength and beauty of a goddess, instant connections and passion, object of adoration or desire, demands your attention, worship and heart, romance in their veins, she is the sun - center of your universe.
Leo Mars: Draws you in with his performance, wins, or adventures, brave in the bedroom, will risk it all, life of the party, maybe vain or selfish but always on top, a king, lust and power, feverish and flirty, are you his muse, trophy, or queen?
Virgo Venus: The answer to all your prayers or questions, devoted blood, sensuous and erotic, always has it together, earthy vibes and quiet affection, thoughtful, but may bite, will you grow with her or will she outgrow you?
Virgo Mars: Innocent eyes with a mischievous or know-it-all smirk, reliable arms, secret vitality but not-so secret intellect and wit, observational, appreciative, discerning in preferences and partners, will work hard for you but what will you do for them?
Libra Venus: You can't miss her when she walks into a room, candlelight and wine, charm, beauty, and brains, falls easily, likely has a line of admirers, elegance and grace, now you know why lust and love are seen as ✨magic✨.
Libra Mars: Knows how to make you happy or calm, secretly a hunting hound, hard to resist, if you're with him you're BEAUTIFUL, affectionate and chivalrous, charismatic one minute and introverted the next, can you figure him out?
Scorpio Venus: THE seductress, passionate and dramatic temptation and lust, says forever and means it, rapacious lover, deep and hypnotic, a heart-stopping and mystic medusa, jealous and unforgiving but will give you everything.
Scorpio Mars: Eyes that look into your soul, the dark and edgy type, sex-appeal is their weapon along with mystery or secrecy, an intense enigma, sensitive yet powerfully assertive, an unstoppable force, may be obsessive or easily misunderstood but knows you more intimately than anyone else.
Sagittarius Venus: For true adventurers only, free spirit and a rebellious heart, more independent than you, the most fun you've ever had, a huntress, lucky in love, desire + lust + companionship, can you handle her honesty?
Sagittarius Mars: Always taking their shot, will explore and challenge you, a wild ride, infectious and attractive optimism, humor, or even clumsiness or awkwardness, chronically adaptable and energetic - can you keep up?
Capricorn Venus: Ice you want to melt, respect or admiration are the only options, reliable and grounded, always in control, you know when she's approaching, true faithfulness, hard to satisfy, she's the authority.
Capricorn Mars: Relentless and calculated pursuit, private and cool-headed, #relationshipgoals, provider vibes, an underrated smooth talker, powerful influence and drive, all about longevity...
Aquarius Venus: Magnetic sorceress, intellectual babe, sparkling and different, always keeping you on your toes, can do it all on her own but likes your company, unconventional relationships, falling in slow motion or fast-forwarding into love at high speed.
Aquarius Mars: Visionary wizard with enticing charisma, pushing boundaries, special aurora and bedroom moves, erratic and strong-willed, sees the best in you, channeling passion into each other's minds and bodies.
Pisces Venus: Sensational siren, dreamy and karmic, elusive moments, drowning in feeling, flip a coin for love or lust - throw it in the fountain for both, making your dreams and/or nightmares come true.
Pisces Mars: That hopeless romantic, sweet and sensitive, imaginative moves and touch, will give you their heart and soul, captivating and addicting, your fantasy lover.
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gods-perfect-idiots · 2 months ago
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Okay bear with me folks, I have some ~thoughts~ about the Vanessa/Wade relationship (or frankly lack thereof) in Deadpool & Wolverine. I should start by saying that I am analyzing this with the (likely erroneous) assumption that everything on screen is 100% intentional and mindfully written to deepen the characters and inform their arcs. For the record, I don't necessarily believe that's true - there is certainly room for mistakes, lazy writing, confusing plot elements, or in this case, sidelining a potentially strong and important character for nebulous reasons (I'm guessing scheduling conflicts + run time concerns + actor's strike complications but idk for sure). (Also thanks to @gossippool and @kendyroy for encouraging me to post my thoughts instead of just rambling in the tags in the first place, y'all are the realest)
Long rambly post below the cut fyi
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Now, granted, it has been a while since I watched the original Deadpool so I am not as well-versed in their early relationship as I am in the handful of scenes Morena Baccarin has in dp3, but I do think it is pretty canon that Wade generally struggles to express his deeper worries and feelings (without filtering it heavily through crude humor, sex, and pop culture references of course), especially after the events of dp1 and the physical and mental damage he sustains, and Vanessa is frankly no exception despite how much he cares for her. The entire first movie hinges on the fact that he doesn't really believe she could love him in his post-Francis mangled state, which is pretty contrived imo given that the film has established already how bonded they are, and she doesn't strike me as being written to be so shallow as to reject him based on a physical deformity. I mean iirc she wanted to stick around through chemo despite him being literally riddled with inoperable cancer, so she clearly is in it for the long haul (at least in dp1), messiness and all.
Now, in dp2, obviously she is shot and killed early in the film, and Wade spends much of the rest of the film wallowing in his very profound grief, trauma, and guilt over losing her due directly to his violent lifestyle. He goes to prison, he basically gives up on life and seems very resigned to dying once he has the power suppressant collar on, even excited to do so so he can be reunited with her. She is mostly sidelined as a Fuzzy Dead Wife trope basically, but the important thing here is that he spends weeks if not months in the throes of despair over losing the love of his life just as they were trying to start a family, and trying to reach across the boundaries of death to be with her.
Now, my first couple times watching dp3 I was frustrated by the trite narrative presented in the interview scene towards the beginning - specifically Wade's whole "my girl is getting tired of my shtick and I need to show her I matter". It felt contrived and disingenuous, and I just brushed it off as iffy writing, a means to an end, but the more I reflect upon it the more I think it is based in an emotional reality that is just handled with a very light touch by the film in favor of fanservice and Poolverine content (NOT that I'm complaining in the slightest - I think this movie is a masterpiece in many ways, albeit a flawed one but that's beside the point here), which for the record I am not against because I think it lends it an air of realism. This is Wade's story after all, Vanessa is a part of it but it is ultimately about him and his journey.
Basically, I think the combination of what happened to him in dp1 (the brain damage, the trauma, the awareness of the fourth wall, etc) followed by the events of dp2 (Vanessa's death, his grief and the associated guilt and trauma of being the direct cause of her death) led to an unbridgeable emotional gap between the two of them that ultimately leads to their breakup.
It's important to note that I don't think Vanessa has any recollection of her own death, given that Wade goes back and saves her before she can take the bullet, and so of course she can never fully fathom what Wade went through grieving her and their life together and their potential family, for however long he spent between her death and bringing her back with Cable's device. She can try (and she clearly does in the one scene I'll talk about next) but I fear she accepts, maybe even in that scene, that she can never succeed. He is beyond her reach by this point, and vice versa, his experiences having fundamentally changed him.
The one scene we really see from their relationship between dp2 and dp3 is the one where Cassandra mind-gropes Wade in the Void and we see Vanessa struggling to reach Wade across this aforementioned gap - she wants him to open up, she wants him to share what he's going through, she wants him to be the person she initially fell in love with (not even selfishly - to her nothing has changed really, because to her no time has passed). But not only does he not understand what she's really asking for but he responds in such a way that makes me think he has unprocessed issues that are only tangentially related to what she's saying - ie the stuff about mattering, about asking her if she even wants to be with him, etc. And he's not the Wade Wilson she met back in dp1 anymore. He watched her die and grieved her and brought her back, believing it would make everything go back to normal and they could resume their life together as if nothing had changed, but he has been fundamentally changed in a way that she can't grasp, even if he WAS good at externally processing his trauma openly without the artifice of wry jokes. She didn't "come back wrong" - instead, she came back exactly the same as before, but HE'S different now. Not wrong, per se. But changed.
It's an interesting scene because it's obviously a memory, and a crucial one at that, but you can see how Wade is misunderstanding what she's saying, viewing it through the prism of his own lack of self-worth and his own hopelessness - he takes away that she thinks he doesn't matter (even though like he says she didn't actually say that, but I don't think Cassandra invented that wholecloth - I think she pulled it out of his psyche because that's what he believes deep down, hence why his fixation on mattering even though she never said those words exactly), he takes away that she doesn't want to be with him, that she thinks he's nothing. Which would be frustrating as an audience member to witness as a pretty simple misunderstanding which could potentially be solved with one conversation, but it feels believable to me that these two people who have shared a great love would be fundamentally separated by unimaginable, cosmic trauma, and the on conversation they would need to have to rectify the misunderstanding is one that is impossible for Wade to verbalize and equally impossible for Vanessa to conceive of. It was one thing when they had shared trauma like violence and SA in dp1, but what Wade has gone through in dp1 and dp2, humor aside, is unfathomably traumatic, brain-breakingly so even, and that's not even factoring in the possible mental illnesses he now struggles with (I've seen folks suggest schizophrenia, DID, depression, etc. but I won't get into armchair diagnosing a fictional character here - suffice it to say he is canonically unwell as a result of what has happened to him, and yes it manifests as quirky fourth wall breaks and cheeky one-liners, but within the universe of the movies he is undeniably profoundly mentally ill, and that includes this humorous alter ego he created to cope with his trauma).
I think off-screen Vanessa probably really tried to reach him, maybe for years (the six year gap implies to me that they didn't break up immediately, that they tried for a while to stay together), trying to get her Wade back, but that Wade is gone. He struggled to express that to her until eventually he started to feel rejected because he couldn't express his trauma or how much he has changed, because even he can't fully conceive of the gulf that has formed between them. The truth is, he WANTS to be that Wade again, for her and for himself, but that Wade died when she died. Or maybe he had already started dying when Francis got a hold of him in dp1.
Anyway, all this is to say, I think Morena Baccarin WAS criminally underutilized in dp2 and dp3, but I think there is a strong argument to be made for the believability of their breakup regardless. I think even relationships built on enormous love can crumble due to trauma, and what Wade suffers over these movies is mind-bogglingly enormous trauma. It's especially heartbreaking that he blames himself for their relationship ending, talks like she just got tired of him, thought he didn't matter, whatever. But it is a credit to him that he never seems to feel anger towards her about it. He doesn't seem to feel entitled to her, though he longs for her and what they had and what she represented (hope, love, a future, a family), but ultimately she becomes more of a symbol of what he lost when he gained his powers, because let's be super fr right now - even if they had succeeded in having a baby, not only would they have lived in fear of her or the kid getting killed, but ultimately Wade would likely outlive both of them even if they managed to die natural deaths. The moment he gained his powers he was already destined to lose her, which is heartbreaking because she was the only reason he opted for the treatment in the first place - so he could stay with her.
I think a big part of Deadpool & Wolverine is watching Wade continue to process his own motivations (vis-a-vis Vanessa but also his other friends) and how he does eventually let go of the idea of "mattering" in favor of just saving the people he cares about (*cough* and being saved right back *cough* by Wolvie, as the final line and shot implies). And in the process he finds someone new who cares about him, who thinks he matters, who tries to sacrifice himself for him and his friends after mere days of knowing him, who comes home with him at the end of the story, who breaks his own centuries-old patterns, who has also experienced unimaginable grief and trauma, who has struggled with wanting to die and being unable to, who not only matches his crazy but matches his FREAK and also not only won't die on him but CAN'T die on him - and more importantly cannot be randomly killed by a stray bullet.
Idk if any of this makes much sense but I do think if you read between the lines and consider the potency of trauma and grief, guilt and emotional damage at play here, Vanessa and Wade's off-screen breakup is actually pretty realistic, and really heart-breaking to boot.
You can tell she still cares about him in so many ways - she shows up for his birthday party, she shows up to his welcome home party at the end, she finds excuses for physical contact multiple times, her eyes get soft when she looks at him, but there is a distance there that Morena Baccarin does an incredible job of portraying. She cares about him deeply, she has mourned the loss of their potential life together, she has let him go and accepted that the Wade she fell in love with is gone, but she wants him in her life even though she's moving on because she realizes he's gone somewhere she can't follow (literally and figuratively). And she wants him to be happy which is why I fully believe she would immediately clock the Poolverine of it all and not-so-subtly encourage them to make it official.
Anyway. Poolverine forever. Nothing against Vanessa at all - I think she delivers a nuanced and beautiful performance, I think their relationship is sweet and heart-wrenching in large part due to her acting chops, especially given how little she is given to work with - but I think their relationship was sadly doomed from almost the very start, because Wade becomes this traumatized superhuman and Vanessa would always be at risk in his orbit, but also would always on the outside of his multiverse superhero experiences. I think it's weirdly beautiful, even if I am filling in a lot of gaps and giving the writers maybe undue credit.
Anyway... thoughts? Please DM me or write in the tags, I am feral about this movie and just want to talk about it with anyone haha. If you have further insight into these characters too I'd love to hear it - I am by no means an expert in these movies or characters!
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love-of-the-red-star · 3 months ago
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That time I got reincarnated as an Aeon
Chapter One: Fuck it we ball!!
(Series)
Obligatory chapter warning: Violence (there’s a gunfight), description of blood, reader being a liiiitle dubious.
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Maybe you shouldn’t have wondered how the crew even knew.
You had asked in the “acktually☝️” type of way— in layman’s terms, rather awkwardly.
Who could blame you? You were stuck in space with no human interaction for god knows how long with only your fellow eldritch horror looking gods that occasionally passed by for company.
Your brain may be incredibly big and fast now, but it didn’t mean you weren’t any less awkward. (Though you’re pretty sure you speak better than most of the Aeons— however, that’s just your opinion.)
“We could feel your energy.” That’s what Himeko said. “Well— our system did.”
“Okay?” You blinked, but then went cold when you realized having your energy levels out as Himeko told you meant that you were basically walking out with your fly open.
“The influx of energy isn’t allowing us to jump.” She added, and you understood now, it was like coming across a stellaron infested planet, except it’s worse because it’s God— one of them anyways, and not just some random piece of space cancer.
“Sorry.” You blurted out, then had an idea, wondering if that one bit in the show you watched in your world would help. “Can I get out of the train and excuse me for a bit? I’ll be right back, I’ll just uhhh… suck the energy in, if you know what I mean.” You pointed to the open door, and the stop that thankfully no one is occupying.
“Go ahead.” Himeko nodded, and you made your way out.
You took a deep breath and exhaled, then looked side to side to see if anyone is going to see what you’re pretty sure is going to be an embarrassing looking spectacle. Seeing as the coast was clear, you took a deep breath again and scrunched your face in concentration, adapting a kamekameha pose like Veldora had.
You then grasped at your energy that you now saw around you and crumpled it, until it became smaller and smaller to just enough to thankfully pass like a normal Joe.
A Joe that can fight, but a normal Joe regardless.
What you did was just basically return some of the energy you’ve poured into this projection back to your main body, not exactly holding it in. You’ve managed to succeed, thankfully without having to accidentally explode a planet.
You weren’t Nanook, and you weren’t going to plan becoming a 2.0 very soon. And now that you thought about it, you’re pretty sure they hate you— but when do they not hate anything enough to not destroy it?
Brushing your thoughts away, you returned to the parlor car, and Himeko blinked in surprise. “That was quick.” She told you.
“I know.” You said. “It was surprisingly easy.”
If she had seen what the hell you just did outside, she wasn’t going to say anything about it.
(You’re pretty sure she saw that, much to you wanting to shrivel on the inside like a raisin.)
“So uhh… anything else?”
Himself shook her head, then the parlor car door closed.
It was only the start of your journey.
————————
Seeing the stars through the window of the express had been a surreal experience. It’s strange, to be inside of a room— you almost forgot how it felt like to step on the ground or not smelling the radioactive scent of space. The parlor car smelled nice, nostalgic almost.
It was funny that you only took notice of that now when you were left to your thoughts in your projected body.
“I can’t believe I’m missing the smell of air freshener of all things.” You mumbled as you watched Pompom sweep the floors of the parlor.
Welt and Himeko were talking about something behind closed doors— probably about you. Honestly you can’t fault them for that, because even though you’d like to deny it, you were in fact a big deal.
A very big deal. An elephant, an obnoxious colored elephant, in the room.
You just hoped they’d come to a conclusion to give you time just enough to prove you mean well. And you really do mean well.
In the next 168 hours (god, that was such a weird way to call an entire week), you were assigned a room of your own.
In the game, you recalled there were only four rooms, but in this one, in reality, there were more. It would make sense, you thought as you observed your own room that’s still rather barren of decoration.
You could just think of what to place into it later.
Another 168 hours go by and you’re entertained by either the little music player in the parlor, or helping Pompom. You spoke to Himeko and Welt from time to time, but it felt Ike you were a bit… out of place. Now that you thought about it you realized they were far more mature than you were, and it wouldn’t be lie either.
While it was nice to have something close to a parental figure, you knew they couldn’t entertain whatever it was that you craved. You realized you’re surprisingly a bit more childish than you thought, especially for a cosmic entity.
You were starting to feel a little antsy though, and decided you’d go back to your main body for a while to fuck around— yeah, you should do that, you thought as you nodded to yourself.
You stood from your bed and made your way out of your room to find either Himeko or Welt so you could tell them you’d be leaving for a while.
Pompom seemed to pout a little at the thought of your absence when you spoke to them about it, but their emotions were quelled when you had mentioned promising them trinkets.
You bid the three farewell, and your body eventually dissipated.
———————
“What the fork are you looking at me for, darlin’?”
Oh wow. You thought as you blinked. “Nothing, I just thought you look rather… interesting, that’s all.” You said. You meant to say handsome, but you didn’t want to be creepy to the cyborg as much as you loved him. It was a little embarrassing to admit now, considering that he was just as real as you were, that you were probably his biggest fan.
“What brings someone like you in a place like this? You don’t fudging look like you’d be into the shady business, unless…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, taking a swing of the strong smelling shot of whiskey handed over to him by the bartender.
How did you even end up here? Simple, you got bored in the parlor car.
You left the express, went to your body, chose a random planet and saw Boothill and decided to make an appearance because why not? It wasn’t exactly everyday you would get to interact with a cool cowboy (probably the coolest space cowboy), so you made the spontaneous decision to simply appear as you were in this little.. town and entered the tavern.
“I got bored.” You said, swirling the drink on your hand that would undoubtedly send you to a hospital for alcohol poisoning had you been an actual human. You took an entire gulp and made a face afterwards. Boothill laughed.
“How do you even enjoy this? It tastes like battery acid and fire.” You grimaced, but you took more sips of the drink despite your own comment. “Anyways, I was bored, and I saw this place and thought: hmmm why not? It feels weirdly liberating in a way.” You confessed.
“Not that much of a stickler for rules despite being dressed like a goody two shoes huh? That’s fudging funny.” The glass clinked, and Boothill’s attention still remained on you funnily enough.
“I’m not nice.” You frowned. “I just dress like this because it’s nice to pretend to be a pretentious bastard sometimes. Plus, it’s cute.” You bristle, and he only smiled at you.
You found that Boothill’s surprisingly way too easy to speak to.
“Sure, sure.” He waved a hand. He doesn’t believe you, and in the far corners of your mind you heard Aha’s laughter. Great, you inwardly groaned, but at least it was just Aha. Then you realized they might just fuck around with you AND have people know you’re an Aeon so they could look at you— maybe not today, but at some point in time.
You felt your lips thin at the thought.
Your attention snapped back to Boothill when you saw him glance at a few people, probably lackeys, in a way that you could describe as nasty. Then you suddenly remembered the posters outside in passing.
“Hey darlin, you might wanna hide your pretty face under the table right now. There’s about to be fork load of bullets, don’t want any one of them grazing your face.” Boothill muttered over to you. And you realizing what was happening and what he was going to do, you played along, slowly sliding under the table as he took out a gun. “‘Bout time these motherfudgers showed up.”
It didn’t take two seconds and hell broke loose.
You felt bad for the bartender.
Patrons screamed and some women ran out as you heard gunshots, and suddenly you felt the urge to poke your head out of the table to see the action. It wasn’t like you’d die if a bullet hit you, it would be embarrassing for an Aeon to die by a mere bullet.
You whistled, then gaped as you witnessed this absolute unit of a man literally moonwalk his way out of the bullets. You felt like a little kid watching an action movie, except you had front seats, and this was very much reality.
“Behind you!” You warned Boothill, and he made a show of shooting the lackey (that you now recognized was an IPC grunt) in a way that got you clapping with joy. “Beat their ass mister! Fuck ‘em up!” You cheered, and one of the grunts tried coming for you instead. You weren’t a coward though, and instead grabbed a chair and threw it as hard as you could.
You heard a grunt and a really ugly crack that you know that definitely wasn’t the wooden chair. “Eugh.” You cringed, feeling a little bad about co-signing the man’s obituary but coming for you with a weapon in hand was just natural selection waiting to happen.
Now that you were out of the bag, you grabbed another heavy chair and decided you’d give Boothill an easier time by helping. “I don’t know what’s going on, but damn I feel bad for the owner of the establishment.” You said loudly through the sound of gunshots, Boothill laughed again as another man had been shot down.
“Yap later darlin! You should worry about the side of your fudging head first!” Just as he said that, you threw the chair at one of the final three lackeys. And like the other one who you took out, this one too went out to board his one way ticket to god.
The establishment had gone completely quiet aside from your breathing and the sound of Boothill’s engine quietly whirring.
“Is it over?” You asked, hopeful.
“Yep.” The cyborg drawled.
You released a sympathetic “oof” at the state of the tavern though. “This place is a wreck.” You said flatly.
“Don’t worry too much about that, they’ll take care of it.”
“Okay….” You exhaled. “Wow.. that was.. a lot.” You eyed the bodies, frowning as you prayed your default appearance won’t end up in a wanted poster. Scratch that, it probably would.
“Didn’t know you’re darn crazy like that though.” Boothill spoke, patting off the nonexistent dust off of his pistol.
“Yeah sorry.” You muttered, then clearing your throat. “I felt bad for them but I realized they’re capitalists for a certain corporate office. They can go die in a ditch.” You shrugged, you don’t grieve this time, maybe you would at some point in the future when you’re wiser.
“Also, it wouldn’t hurt to help a friend out I think.” You said, though you’re uncertain as to how Boothill would react to such a sentence.
“Oh fudge me sideways, care to shake my hand? The name’s Boothill.” He grinned, teeth sharp like a shark’s as he held out his metal hand for you to grasp.
Oh I know very well who you are, you thought, not that he would ever know that. You grasp his hand and introduced yourself, happy that he actually likes you.
You eventually had to part ways with him for the day, having each other as contacts through the phone (Welt was kind enough to give you one of your own) so you could keep in touch.
You ended up spending the remainder of your time in that little town looking around for souvenirs to pocket just for Pompom. Now where did you get your money? It’s a little mean, but you looted them off of the IPC bodies.
It’s blood money, but it’s money regardless. And if the people who initially owned it were rich and dead? Then you don’t have to feel bad about pocketing it, you were free to do as you wanted.
Getting back to the parlor car was easy, making your presence known to the beloved little conductor who very much anticipated your presents.
“[Name], where’d you get the money to buy all this?” Welt asked as he inspected the personalized mug you gave him. (It was a neat wooden mug with his name carved on it, Himeko had one of her own too.)
You merely smiled innocently.
Welt sighed, he shouldn’t have asked.
———————-
Part I, Part II (HERE), Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII….
AAAND THATS A WRAP UP FOR THE CHAPTER FOLKS! And yes, reader is a litttle unhinged (curse being a cosmic entity, they’re a little dubious as a treat). And YES they’re a big Boothill fan (like me), like come on who doesn’t wanna hang around a cool space cowboy who has a censored vocabulary of a COD lobby?
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every episode of house md part 3
high school teacher: alright class settle down, it is time for chemistry!
the students moan
random student #1: please mr roberts can we just use this period to do homework
mr roberts: no, chemistry is important, you see-
mr roberts starts choking
random student #2: oh my god! someone get him some water!
mr roberts stops choking
mr roberts: sorry about that folks, moving on-
mr roberts falls to the ground, unconscious
*** house and wilson are walking together
house: wilson, my guy, you are wearing a nice tie. you must be cheating on your wife
wilson: you’re just trying to find a way to compliment my tie without seeming nice. so, thank you. anyway, i have this case. high school chemistry teacher keeps randomly choking on nothing.
house: so? he has anderson’s choking disease
wilson: no, it doesn’t only occur when he’s sleeping. not anderson’s.
there is a brief moment of homoerotically staring and grinning at each other
house: ok, i’ll take it.
he grabs the file
***
house: ok people, new case. man can’t stop choking!
cameron: hmmm… can’t be andersons…
foreman: could it be cancer in his throat?
house: that only shows up for a minute or two every few days?
chase: longmedicalnameadocis!
house: good thinking, test for that, in the mean time start him on fancydrugname.
*** in the clinic
house sighs, pops a few vicodin, and enters a clinic room
clinic patient: my knees hurt.
house takes a good hard look at the patient. he’s ancient. every inch of him is wrinkled. his head has only a few surviving white hairs. next to him is who house assumes is his daughter.
house (sarcastically): hhhmmm… now this is a hard one.
daughter: please take him seriously! just a week ago it seemed like he was way younger! he had barely any wrinkles, he was running 4 miles a day- he was healthy and fit! something’s up!
the patient coughs and begins to struggle to breathe. he takes out an inhaler.
daughter: a week ago he didn’t need an inhaler. now he’s using it multiple times a day!
house (not sarcastically this time): interesting… i want to run a few tests.
*** in the office
foreman: fancydrugname made him worse.
house: chase you idiot you were way wrong.
chase: 😣😣🥺🥺
house writes the new symptoms on the board
foreman: i think it’s neurological.
house: okay, what neurological disorder could cause this?
foreman thinks in contemplation
cameron: insertanotherlongmedicalnamehere?
chase: there’s no treatment for that.
house: wrong. we can do surgery
foreman: surgery?
house: take out part of his brain
*** cuddy’s office
cuddy (angry): NO! you cannot cut into this man’s brain with no proof! it’s a rare condition, most people with it die and this treatment has never been used for the condition before!
house: i have proof.
cuddy: oh really?
house: yes. i think it will work and i’m always right.
cuddy shakes her head
cuddy: no.
*** in the clinic, same patient as before
daughter: please tell me you know what’s wrong with him.
the patient has a bag of almonds in his hand. he is shoveling handfuls of them into his mouth
house: jeez, that’s a lot of almonds- **epiphany moment** house: i have to go!!
daughter: what? what about my dad!!!
house (from out the clinic room): get him to stop eating all those damn almonds!!
*** mr roberts’ room
house: have you been exposed to large amounts of almonds recently?
mr roberts: yes, my son just started working at an almond factory.
house: aha! my proof!
house leaves, leaving mr roberts confused and in distress
*** mr roberts gets the surgery and is cured
once again, wilson and house are walking together. wilson is eating almonds
wilson: want one?
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creature-wizard · 2 months ago
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Scams, Hoaxes, Conspiracy Theories, & Cults Everyone Should Know About
Jilly Juice: Jillian Mai Thi Epperly claimed drinking sixteen cups of her super salty cabbage concoction each day could regrow missing limbs and cure everything from cancer to homosexuality. In reality, overdosing on so much salt caused followers a host of health issues that Epperley dismissed as "healing symptoms."
Nonhuman Body Hoax: Jaime Maussan attempted to pass off mummified human remains as nonhuman beings to the Mexican government. (This isn't even Maussan's first hoax, by the way. He has a history.)
Love Has Won: Amy Carlson, a woman who'd walked out on her own children, started a New Age cult in which she presented herself as "Mother God," the creator of the universe. She claimed to be in contact with dead celebrities and alien beings, and taught a conspiratorial worldview. As her health declined, she attempted to treat herself with colloidal silver and alcohol, and her behavior became increasingly abusive. When she finally died, her followers sincerely believed she would return to life and kept her body in a sleeping bag. (She did not return to life.)
Seed Faith Offerings: Reverend Gene Ewing came up with the perfect get-rich-quick scheme to prey on desperate Christian believers: tell believers that if they "sowed seed" by giving money to him, God would bless them with even more money in the future. He made millions of dollars from these donations, while most of his followers never saw the miraculous returns they were promised.
William Walker Atkinson: In the early 20th century, William Walker Atkinson wrote around one hundred books, many of which he wrote under various pseudonyms. Some of these pseudonyms included alleged Hindu mystics. That's right - this guy was practicing literary brownface to sell his mystical ideas.
The LDS Church: In the 19th century, a man named Joseph Smith claimed that an angel had told him where to dig up a set of golden plates that were supposedly written by ancient Hebrews who'd come to North America. Smith even had eleven close associates who vouched for the plates' existence. Yet the script they were allegedly written in bore no relation to actual ancient scripts of the Near East, and the the names the locations in the books he "translated" were very obviously derived from placenames he would have been familiar with. (For example, Oneida/Onidah.) Oh, and actual archaeology and DNA studies have discredited pretty much everything from this guy's weird racist narrative.
Fake Cancer, Fake Cure: Wellness entrepreneur Belle Gibson claimed that she'd cured her brain cancer with natural remedies. Gibson never actually had cancer in the first place.
Medbeds: Back in 2020, QAnons and QAnon-adjacent people started circulating claims that a new form of healing technology was about to become available to the public within the next several months or so. Depending on who you asked, Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and even the Galactic Federation of Light were involved. The time of their supposed unveiling came and went, and what do you know, there are still no functioning medbeds used in actual medicine.
COVID Vaccine Zombies: Conspiracy theorists have been claiming the government practices high-tech mind control for ages now. One recent iteration of this is a conspiracy theory claiming that people who'd received COVID vaccinations would have malicious DNA code activated by 5G on October 4, 2023, turn into zombies, and riot. The time came and went, and no zombie outbreak happened.
Ms.Scribe: In the early 2000s, a Harry Potter fan known as "msscribe" or "Ms.Scribe" faked her own harassment through a number of sockpuppets, with the apparent goal of becoming friends with some Harry Potter fandom bigwigs. She manipulated the fandom for a few years until the deception was finally uncovered.
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sapphlopods · 3 months ago
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This will be one of the hardest things I ever have to do, but I need help even though I hate asking for it.
Please help me escape my homophobic and financially abusive parents. More under "Keep Reading"
I'm Chaim, and ever since I graduated high school, I’ve lived with my parents. Australia has an incredibly bad housing crisis, and it’s nearly impossible for me to move out without friends or roommates who have a pre-established house, which I have none. 
Over the course of the past 4 years, I have watched my father devolve into this angry right-wing conspiracy theorist who thinks all “Wokes” should d1e. He has no idea I’m a lesbian as I fear for what he will do if he ever finds out. 
My mother has a range of health issues, in 2022 she had a heart attack, and this year, she was diagnosed with brain and kidney cancer, which she is in and out of hospital for. Her financial assistance has been delayed over and over, we still need to wait 2 months to get help. 
So, my household's only income is from my father and me. My father has an incredibly bad gambling, drinking and tobacco addiction, he goes through a pack of 30 cans and a pack of 30 cigarettes in 2 days. Tobacco and alcohol are heavily taxed here and are upwards of $60+ each; that’s $120 every 2 days, he earns $1600 fortnightly and spends roughly $840 of it on just his addictions; that’s more than half his pay, and that isn’t including the horse races he bets on. 
That leaves me to pick up the slack on groceries, rent, my mother's medicine and lend them money when Dad “overspends” at the pub. My father would rather starve than lessen his addictions a bit so we can afford to stay in our house and have food to eat. 
This has been happening for years even before my mother fell so ill she couldn’t work but it's gotten worse. I do not want to leave my mother, but she will not leave my father no matter what since she sees nothing wrong with what he does. I’m tired of being nothing more than a piggybank and a maid to my parents since I will never be able to move out when all my money goes towards keeping a roof over our heads. Even while I was on vacation, they still called me up and asked for money. 
I’ve wanted to move out for a long time, but my situation is getting direr by the day, and I can’t save a single cent to leave like this. I know many problems are going on in the world right now that deserve people’s time more than this so thank you for reading this far. 
If you can spare anything, please send it to my ko-fi. It'll be going towards getting stuff sorted so I can move to my partner Cinna, who lives far away in Chile, but I have no other option now. 11/12
I also have a few items listed on my eBay that people might like, a lot of it is fandom stuff and collector things I have accumulated, I'll be putting more stuff up slowly as I sort through my things preparing to move. https://www.ebay.com.au/usr/sapphlopods
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julieloves074 · 1 year ago
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Everything (Conrad Fisher x Y/n)
Summary: Y/n had won the battle against cancer at the age of ten but no one expected it to come back. When the truth comes to light the perfect summer crashes down around them. Especially for Conrad, Y/n is his love, his life, his everything
Warnings: Cancer, sadness, swearing, angst 
Words: 7.4K
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(Not my GIF :))
Summer in Cousins was the one time of year I felt truly free, nothing really mattered there. Then again, everything mattered there. Belly liked to say nothing existed outside of summer, all the other seasons were just a pass by for it, and I couldn’t argue with her.
This was exactly why I wanted one last perfect summer. Mom told me that I wasn’t being fair, that this was going to be worse for everyone but wasn’t I allowed to be selfish? For once? I knew she couldn’t see it the way I did. I wanted Belly to have her first summer of real fun without having to worry about me. I wanted to see Jeremiah and Steven act stupid all summer without feeling like they needed to slow down for me. I wanted to see Conrad to be happy for one more summer, with me.
And everything was going so well, for the most part. Just like any other summer there was drama: Belly with her new friend Cam Cameron and Jeremiah, Steven with Taylor and Shaila but it was our kid problems, nothing more than that until tonight.
“Y/n you are not allowed to go!” My mother shouted as I made my way downstairs at eight o’clock.
“Stop babying me for God’s sake! I’m telling you I feel fine, I’ll be back in a couple of hours!” I screamed back, I just wanted to go to a party with my friends, I knew I had limits now and that I had to be careful. Still, I couldn’t stay locked in forever.
“Y/n you are getting weaker, are you trying to give your father and I a heart attack?” she asked, her voice still raised but there was a falter, it made me turn right around on my heel. There she was, standing on the top step with tears in her eyes. I could feel my own gloss over. I took a deep breath and looked up in an attempt to stop any tears falling, I was only wearing waterproof mascara but still-
“You’re our little girl and we just want to protect you,” Mom said, face flooded now, lowering to sit on the top stair, she was getting more tired now too.
“Mom I’m eighteen, I don’t know if I will make it through chemo this time and I can’t let it make me live in fear. I won’t let it make me hide around my room if this is my last summer,” I said with urgency and plea.
“It’s going to be a long program Y/n, and it’s going to take lots of strength, both physical and emotional but don’t you dare say you are not going to make it. You will beat it. We just don’t want you to get overwhelmed,” Dad’s voice echoed gently as he came out of our kitchen and pulled me into a hug.
“I know-” I paused looking between both of them, my cardigan in one hand and phone in my other, “I’ve signed up for the program and I will fight this cancer again but there’s nothing I can do now but wait around until the first round of chemo begins again, and who knows what I’ll be able to do after it?” I asked, I didn’t know whether I would live, and if I did how long I’d be weak, I didn’t want to miss out on these teenage years.
I felt dad brush his hand down my arm with a sigh, he looked up to mom who shook her head and couldn’t lift her gaze.
“I know, I’m sorry honey, but you know that if anything happens you call us right away, no matt-“ she began, standing up, but I cut her off.
“No matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing and there will be no questions asked,” I finished off for her, she smiled weakly and started making her way down to dad and I.
“Or you call for medical help first depending on what’s happening,” she informed me, at this point she’s said this to me so many times that I have the words tattooed inside my brain.
“I love you guys,” I said as they both squeeze me tightly just before a car horn sounds outside.
“Tell Connie we said hi and ask him to tell his mom we’ll bring that extra table for the barbeque party tomorrow when we come over for dinner,” Mom relayed to me as I slipped on my shoes.
“I will do,” I said quickly opening the door to slide out. I saw him first, Conrad Fisher, sat behind the wheel, his contagious smile and beautifully messy hair. Then I saw them, Belly, Jeremiah and Steven sat in the back all looking at Belly’s phone who sat in the middle, they were all laughing. I couldn’t believe the summer was nearly at it’s end and I got to spend it these wonderful, and slightly annoying, people.
“Omg Y/n you have to see this video Tylor filmed! This girl just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with her best friend so both she and the best friend chucked milkshakes at him! I’m so glad Taylor filmed this!” Belly exclaimed the second I opened the car door, pushing from up from her seat and shoving the phone in my face, I didn’t even get time to look before she leaned back and sat down muttering “Damn, Harry is not gonna have fun at school this year,”.
We all broke into a laughter, I turned to Connie who had his eyes on me since the moment I got in the car, I started relaying my parent’s message about the chairs and he leant over to kiss me.
“Okay we get it, you guys are in love but we have a party to get to!” Jeremiah exclaimed grabbing on my headrest to lean his body forwards into our space. I let out a laugh pulling away from Conrad.
“I love you,” he mouthed to me, I did the same back before he turned to his focus to the car and reversing in my driveway. The journey to the house party, I didn’t even know who was hosting this one, was filled with laughter and teasing to the point that Belly had actual tears running down her face.
“I am so glad you made me invest into waterproof mascara Y/n!” Belly said running her fingers under her eyes wiping away the tears. I loved having Belly around, another girl was great to have around, her being like a little sister to me. Even though it came with both its ups and downs of siblings like all the clothes she would ‘borrow’ and never give back, but she’s a good kid.
The party is looking well underway when we arrive, there’s flashing, changing lights to be seen through the windows and the music is echoing down the street. Some new trending song is blasting as we walk through the door. Belly quickly runs off to meet some friends she made at the country club, Jere was dragged away by some good looking guy whom he looked more than friendly with leaving me, Connie and Steven to head to the drinks table.
“Are you actually gonna drink with us tonight Y/n/n?” Steven asked leaning a cup in my direction. I really wanted to, I couldn’t express to anyone how much I wanted to fully let loose, drink away my worries for the night. But I couldn’t.
“Nah I’m good,” I tried to play it off cool, but he started play arguing with me.
“Alright let it go Steven,” Con said after a minutes, I lay my hand on his arm in a silent thanks.
“Okay well I’ll leave you loser to it I’ve just spotted Shayla coming in,” he announced already walking backwards to the beautiful girl.
“Are you alright?” Con’s voice pulled me away from the vision of Steven wrapping his arms around her shoulders, he had whispered something in her ear which made her erupt into this blooming, true laugh, they made each other so happy.
“What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I said, pulling on a big smile, it wasn’t exactly a lie. I felt fine, more than fine standing here with him right next to me.
“It’s just you’ve not been wanting to drink, and not to pin you as an alcoholic or anything,” he defends quickly, “But you’re usually first to call shots,” he laughs pulling me closer as some guys come to the drinks table, it still swells my heart, his little tics of jealously and protection.
“I told you, it’s been really bad for my skin recently and I am not sacrificing this,” I reassured pointing to my face, “Plus it’s kind of funny being sober and watching everyone else make fools of themselves,”
“Can’t argue that,” he says, we settle into a comfortable silence, Con wasn’t drinking tonight he was nominated DD, so the two of us had to entertain ourselves sober. We weren’t standing around for too long when Getaway Car by Taylor Swift came on and I dragged him to the little makeshift dance floor in the living room.
We sang to each other as he led our little dance twirling me around every once in a while. Loads of the girls including Belly joined us screaming along to the bridge.
“God you’re perfect you know that? I think I’ll be crazy about you forever,” Con half shouted over the last chorus and I just shook him off with a gentle shove
“I love you,” I said pulling him into a massive hug. The second the song ended we noticed Jere and Steven stood in the doorway calling Con over, some kid was doing flip tricks on the trampoline and in their words ‘It was so sick! He’ll probably actually be sick if he doesn’t take a break!’
Connie was hesitant to leave me for a second, but I pushed him to the boys, they deserved his time as much as I did. I turned to the girls, and we danced to whatever song came on next, and the next and the next. By the fourth or fifth song I started to feel lightheaded.
“I’m just gonna find a bathroom real quick,” I shouted over to Belly tapping her shoulder, someone had turned the music up. She nodded and gave me a thumbs up before tipping the rest of her vodka lemonade in her mouth.
The bathroom downstairs had too long of a cue so I headed for the stairs in the entryway. Was someone turning up the music again or was it just the sound echoing in my head? I held onto the railing, but my legs were starting to feel heavier with each step. I had just managed to reach the landing, I wasn’t sure which door led to the bathroom, so I ambled to the closest door, it was a bedroom. A double bed in the center surrounded by deep blue wallpaper. It felt as though I was in the ocean somewhere, drifting away.
The bed frame was not giving me much support, I lowered myself to the ground, there was a small thud as I hid the wooden panels. I don’t think I let out a sound but before I knew it someone was rushing into the room.
“Y/n what’s going on?” the voice asked, I looked up but my sight was hazy, “Y/n?” the voice repeated, it was Steven taking a few careful steps towards me.
“It’s nothing, I’m fine just a little tired, I think I overheated a little downstairs I should have been drinking more water,” I said attempting to shoo him away with my hands, but in reality, I didn’t want him to leave, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get up without him.
“Y/n you’ve been off all summer so cut the bullshit, since when do we lie to each other?” he asked coming closer, his honestly sounded sober.
“My,” I start and feel something bubbling within me, I cried for an hour when I was diagnosed again, then I told myself I wasn’t allowed to again until after summer, I was allowed to be happy and excited for the summer without thinking about- “My cancers back Steven, and I-”
“I’m sorry you what?” Steven asked cutting me off, as if an animated character his jaw actually dropped, he was kneeling next to me in seconds, pulling me into a hug. I shut my eyes wishing that I had left earlier or taken a night off and rested like mom had suggested, “Conrad! Get in here,” Steven shouted repeatedly brushing a hand through my hair.
“What? Y/n? What happened? Steven what happened?” Conrad asked manically flinging himself to meet his body to mine, “Are you okay?” He asked again as he got no answer to his first lot of questions. He brushed his hand down my arm.
“I’m so sorry,” I let out with a sob, shaking my head from side to side, I saw Belly run in confused with Jeremiah behind her. Others seemed to be crowding at the door but Jere quickly shut it firmly, announcing “Nothing to see here! Go grab some alcohol and make out or whatever,” before turning his attention back to me.
Now this was truly my worst nightmare, they were all looking at me, apart from Steven who had curled up and looked at the floor next to me.
“I’m sorry that I ruined our last summer together,” I said
“Y/n what are you talking about, what happened?” Belly asked brushing some hair out of my face.
“It’s back and I- I don’t think it’ll go away this time,” I whisper as if saying it out loud would mean that it was true, that I was hurting everyone around me once again.
“What’s back?” Jere asks nonchalantly at first before a realization hits him “You don’t mean-” at this Belly burst into a wail.
I looked up at Conrad, he was just staring at me, I couldn’t read his reaction at all. I brushed my hands up and down his arms, it was as if he was frozen it time. I needed him to say something, just that action was wearing me out.
“Come on let’s get you home,” Jere said, his eyes red, he was trying to be a voice of reason, be the one who doesn’t break down so he can support the rest of us. When had he become this grown up? “This isn’t a place for a conversation like this,”.
I can’t quite place what emotion was flowing through me as I was basically carried out of the house with one arm around Con the other around Steven. The whole thing seemed in slow motion to me, all the faces in the crowd of my friends and drunk strangers. How many of them realize what’s actually happening and how many of them simply thought I’d gotten hysterically drunk?
The ride back to my house was quiet other than Belly’s phone call to my mom and then Susannah and Laurel letting them know where they were all going. I was ushered into bed by mom and listened to the heartbroken whispers downstairs in the living room under my bedroom.
Mom and Belly were crying, and dad was trying to calm them down. Conrad was adamant to stay with me whilst dad offered to drive everyone else home as they’d all been drinking. When the front door shut, I heard the footsteps that shuffled upstairs.
“Connie,” I said as he walked into my room, his expression filled with sorrow and with the limited lighting of my bedside lamp I could swear he too had tears rolling from his eyes and down his beautiful face.
“You’re okay, you’re going to get better,” he said repeating in quiet whispers, whether he was trying to convince me or himself I was not sure but I let him. I pulled up my duvet and moved slightly to give him space.
He touched my hair, my face, my arms gliding his fingers as if I was made of porcelain. The first time I was diagnosed and fighting cancer I was 10 and whilst everyone was gentle with me then now it felt like a different kind of touch. A mixture of so much love and pain that I would do- give anything to make him better.
“I love you, so so much,” I whispered, pulling one of his arms around me, I wanted to feel him, all of him here in this house, our summer place. I was surprised he hadn’t run, when Con got overwhelmed he always ran, hiding was his protection. If I did anything in my life, helping Connie learn a better way to cope, or to start to was the best thing that I did.
“Don’t say it like that,” he whispered back, his eyes were closed tight shut.
“Like what?” I asked cautiously, somehow, I knew what he was going to say, I brushed my fingers through his soft hair, his pre-summer haircut was always my favorite. It wasn’t too long, not too short, just enough to outline his face and perfectly highlight his eyes.
“Like it’s one of the last times you’ll ever say it,” his voice cracked and I kept running my fingers through his locks, soothing him. It’s funny how I’m the one who this has happened to yet I’m the one who’s been reassuring everyone that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it was because I’d lived enough to know what the purest of happiness was and that I’d experienced honest love even though some never do.
“I love you. I love you. I love you,” I kept repeating as if I was counting stars up in the sky or the little sheep jumping over the fence in hopes of falling asleep. I’d said it so much my mouth had started running dry but if that was the price for having this boy, this kind, loving boy in my arms until my end I’d pay it over and over and more.
Unfortunately, the underlying sour mood was carried into the next morning, when I woke up to the glimpse of summer that danced in through the half open curtain Conrad was still asleep. He usually looked peaceful when he slept but this morning even in his most fragile states his brows were creased and his breathing was heavy and uneven. I watched him, when we get back to Boston nothing will ever be the same, and we only have a week left here in Cousins.
I untangled from his arms. I tended to have more strength in the morning but today I gripped onto the white wooden rail as I ambled downstairs and into the kitchen. Walking past the living room I noticed figures asleep on the couch. I smiled to myself when I saw Jeremiah and the Conklin siblings, they never left last night.
The clock hit seven when I walked into the kitchen, mom sat there with her kindle in hand, cup of coffee in front of her, but she stared unfocused at the device The lines under her eyes were darker than last night, she looked exhausted. Dad was at the kitchen counter prepping some eggs, bacon and sausages, the good old English Breakfast. He too looked as though he hadn’t slept.
“Morning sweetheart,” mom said looking up, her whole expression changed from worry to love, and though she tried to hide it the worry was still there, rooted deeply in her skin. I took a step towards her and she rushed out of her chair to grab me into a tight embrace.
A thousand things I wanted to say sat there pooling in my head because I simply couldn’t get them out.
“Your dad went out last night to get some more breakfast supplies, we’re feeding some unexpected- but most welcome mouths this morning,” she conveyed and I just nodded, my head resting in her neck, “I’ve called Princeton this morning and explained the situation, they said depending on how long the treatment is going to take they may move your enrollment to next year just so you don’t fall too far behind,” mom explained and I watched my dad’s feet shuffle towards us. College was the last thing on my mind, everyone here was.
“We also called the hospital and they’ve decided to start your sessions earlier,” dad said, this forced me to pull back.
“What do you mean?” I asked frantically, “We’ve had the date set for the day after we get back! How can I start my treatment earlier if we’ll still be here?” I questioned.
“We’ll be heading back to Boston tomorrow Y/n” mom conveyed, I took another step back. No! I needed this last week here with these people.
“But we agreed-” I tried to reason, to argue.
“I know sweetheart, but your health is more important to us, the doctors were already weary of letting you have the whole summer here anyway,” dad leaned against the kitchen counter with one hand and the other travelled to his forehead, an attempt to brush the physical signs of fear and worry away.
“We’re your parents Y/n, we just want what’s best,” mom reassured, and I knew they were right, they usually tended to be but that didn’t mean I had to be happy about it.
“The moms have organized a day full of fun and the celebratory barbeque dinner tonight,” Belly, who was now leaning against the doorframe between the living room and the kitchen, said.
“We’re all leaving tomorrow Y/n, we’re going to be there with you every step of the way,” Jeremiah said, his stunning ocean eyes expressing the purest admiration, his one hand was around Belly’s waist. A side of my mouth twisted up in a sly smile. I had predicted this years ago, Con owed me fifty bucks now.  
“Oh my- come here the both of you right now,” I demanded, I took a few steps towards them but they did most of the work.
“I want in too!” Steven, voice all groggy and half asleep, demanded as he jogged towards us. We stood there hugging for longer than we ever have, it was nice and warm.
We all sat around the table playing a round of uno as dad started to make breakfast, mom offered to help to give us the space, she knew we got far too competitive when it came to this game.
I had two cards left, the least out of all when Jeremiah spoke up from next to me, “Connie isn’t taking it well, he went outside at around three in the morning and he just sobbed, I thought you needed to know” his eyes with sympathetic and glossed over.
“I just don’t want him to shut everyone out now,” I said knowing that the boy had a thing for bottling up his emotions until they finally explode. He stayed last night but who knew which was his mood would sway today.
“He’s going to be around, he’ll be here for you, we all will,” Jeremiah reassured.
The day went by faster than anyone wanted, Conrad came down perfectly in time for breakfast, he pulled a chair to sit next to me. Just like his usual self he wanted to be near me, touching me at all times, whether it was his shoulder brushing mine, a hand on thigh or his head on my shoulder. After breakfast we when back to Susannah’s house and sat on their private stretch of beach. Then we competed in a murder mystery game that us kids created when we were twelve. It was actually pretty intriguing even for the moms and dad.
“I can’t believe you kept stored away for six years mom,” Jere said to which Susannah replied with a knowing motherly smile and pulled another clue card.
Then we went to the pier, had ice cream and I absolutely crushed everyone at the arcade games winning most of the challenges, the great showdown occurred yet again even though Laurel banned it all those years ago. Then we headed back for dinner at the beach house, Jere and Steven operated the grill, we all sat around talking and I managed enough energy to play a quick round of water polo in the newly upgraded heated pool.
Through the whole day Conrad was never more than a few feet away from me. He managed to upkeep a smile most of the time, but when he thought I couldn’t see it faltered. I always knew he was a good one.
At around eleven mom and dad headed back home whilst the rest of us cuddled up on the couches to watch some romcom on Netflix. About halfway through Belly decided she wanted popcorn, so we took a pause and Susannah said she wanted to brush my hair. She loved doing both mine and Belly’s hair, we were her honorary daughters so of course I let her. One of the many things I love about her is that no matter the weather, or what was going on she was a ray of sunshine. I don’t mean that she was always happy, but she always held out hope and guided everyone to the other side of any storm cloud.
After the movie had finished and we got a good hour into the titanic most of us were dozing off, Susannah started shooing everyone off to bed. She too went upstairs leaving Conrad and I sat on the sofa. I looked at him as soon as the whole floor was clear. My eyes asked the quiet question, begged the questions.
“Are you sure? Do you feel like you have enough strength?” he asked, and I smiled, my brain scanned through images of this boy as we grew up, side by side and through all of it he stayed true just like his mom.
“What have we been doing for the past four hours if not sitting and laying around?” I asked lifting my brows in a giggle.
He shook his head slightly and half a smirk managed to make it onto his face, “It’s been a long busy day, that’s all I’m saying,” he defended himself.
“I know, but I’m fine I promise, let’s go!” I encouraged lifting from the couch and pulling him up by his arm. It didn’t take much convincing, when he stood, he gave me a long, slow kiss before resting his arm around my shoulder. We fit together perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle finally put together.
We walked down the sandy path towards their private part of the beach, nudging each other and giggling just like the night Conrad first kissed me, just like the night he had asked me to be his girlfriend. Most, if not all our important milestones happened here at the beach house.
“Do you know what?” He asked breaking the silence, even just the sound of his voice was enough to press my body and mind into total peace but also force my heart to beat at an ungodly speed, still after being together for two and a half years.
“What?”
“One day, the day we get married, I’ll scoop you up like this,” he pauses turning to me, I look at him confused for a second as he coddles me in his arms like a princess, I let out a giggle, “and I’ll carry you into this house,” he pointed to the summer house, “then I’ll carry you out back and all the way to the beach and kiss you until the sun goes down and the moon hangs up high in the sky like tonight and never let you go,” he whispered into my ear as we neared the beach.
“Connie,” I began but he shushed me
“I know, I know you don’t like planning that far ahead, but this is non-negotiable, you said we’re allowed one non-negotiable each. You have yours and I have mine,” he said in a manner of fact way, I just laughed and leaned up to kiss him.
“You do know, I know that was all a ruse so that I didn’t have to walk,” I said and he just smiled, “You’re amazing and I love you but please put me down,” I asked, not because I didn’t love to be treated like a princess but because I felt good and I wanted to experience this with him in the way it’s always meant to be.
When we got onto the open part of the beach it was much windier, Con took off his coat leaving him in his jumper and wrapped it around my arms. We listened to the song of the water and watched the waves.
“I can’t believe how lucky I am,” he announced into the night, he’s sat half leaning on his legs.
“Why’s that?” I asked, there were so many things both of us had to be thankful for.
“That I met you, that I have you, that you chose me and let me hold and love you, I think I’m the luckiest man on the planet,” he says, his gaze drifting to the stars above us. Not a single cloud in the sky tonight.
“Do you know what I think is lucky?” I asked laying my head on his shoulder, my eyes getting tired now.
He finally turns to me and smiles, “What?”
“That we both live in Boston,” I said and he shook his head, clearly not what he was expecting. But it was true, our grandparents met at the Cousin’s country club years ago, our grandmothers were friends which then meant our moms were friends, they went to collage together, it was both of their dreams to live in Boston so they moved out there together not expecting to both live in that city for so long but I was so thankful they did because that meant that I got the Fisher boys and Susannah all year round.
It was around the time that we could see the first shades of yellow and orange of the sun that we decided to head back, his sheets were cold but his arms around me were more than enough to keep me warm in the breezy summer night.
The next day mom and dad came round for breakfast, it was a feast ranging from cereal and toast to pancakes with fresh fruits and muffins which Jere and Belly had gone for a morning run for. Just as fast as the breakfast had disappeared, we were all packing up and getting ready to leave.
As I watched the scenery leaving Cousins, I felt guilty that everyone was cutting their trip short, no matter how much they tried to reassure me that it was okay and that they didn’t mind. Still Laurel, Belly and Steven had agreed to say in Susannah’s house in Boston for the week which meant we still got to have that time together before everything went back into motion in September.
*✭˚・゚✧*・゚*✭˚・゚✧*・゚*
It was a week after the Conklin’s left that I was told I would be better off shaving off my hair now with it being earlier in the process in order to avoid more emotional highs later on which could affect the medication.
I’d agreed on the terms that Susannah would be the one to do it, together we supported and acted for a hair donation charity which turned hair into wigs for children with cancer, so that’s exactly where my hair was headed.
It was a Friday night, which is always Pizza night, whether ordered in or homemade, one week at our house one week at the Fisher’s. It was that night that I was going to shave all the hair off, the thought wasn’t as scary as I remember it being from the first time around, but I would miss it.
I sit with a towel around my shoulders looking at myself in the mirror of the master bathroom, the boys were both sat in there with my mom, Belly was facetiming us and Susannah stood behind me with the scissors, this was harder for her than for me.
Mom held my hand and dad stood in the doorway with a tight smile. Susannah had braided my hair into two braids and after a nervous laughter and whispering ‘I love you’ she cut the first one, the snip of the scissors was loud in my ears as she worked through the thick of one braid. A breath escaped my lips and quickly enough we were on the second braid. Now Conrad held onto my other hand, the corners of his eyes creasing. And then the other was gone too.
In a way it felt like a weight was lifted off me, I mean it literally had been, my head felt lighter, and I was left with uneven scraps all over my head.
“Hey I dig the short hair!” Jeremiah says hand extended to fist bump me, I  felt obliged saying, “Now we know I could steal your hairstyle and still be cooler than you,” I remarked and he pulled a smirk.
“Listen up Y/n/n at least my cut isn’t so uneven,” he laughs
“Well, mine’s about to be more smooth than yours, what you gonna do?” I play intimidated as mom placed my braids into the zip lock bag ready to be posted.
“Some little girl or boy is going to be really happy when they receive that hair you know that Y/n” Susannah said squeezing my shoulders after plugging in the razor. This time I closed my eyes and squeezed Connie’s hand tighter.
When half my head was done, I felt a bit of a breeze but I didn’t want to open my eyes yet, I’ve said many times that hair wasn’t a determining factor in my life but at the end of the day it was a part of me.
“All done,” Susannah said and I could hear a fragile smile in her words, I nodded with my own smile.
Then after a second the sound of the razor when off again and my eyes shot open, before I could stop it I saw Connie’s soft, brown hair falling from his head. He has run a strip right in the middle of his hair.
I leaped out of the stool. But it was too fast, everything around me started spinning slightly and my knees had gone weak. I grabbed the counter in front of me and both mom and Jeremiah leaned forward for support.
“I’m okay,” I say after a second, I closed my eyes and steadied myself, what was actually a matter of a minute felt like hours, but then I was stood again with another reminder: slow.
“Connie what were you thinking?” I asked incredulously and he was just shaking his head smiling, a glimpse of tears in his eyes.
“I’m in this with you, I told you I would be here every step of the way and I will,” he stood right in front of me, his deep blue eyes staring right into my soul, how had I been so lucky to have been granted the love of this boy and everyone else in this room. I pulled him into a tight embrace, retaining his warmth, his touch.
Jere jerked taking the turned off razor out of his brother’s hand and worked it through his own hair. This time everyone gasped, Jeremiah loved his hair.
“Never have I ever thought I’d see that happen. Jere, you obsess over your hair, you love it!” Belly expressed through the phone, now Steven was leaning over her shoulder.
“Yo- you lot are brave!” he exclaimed with laughter; this was how he processed grief. He made jokes and laughed because otherwise it was much too bare, I didn’t blame him, in fact I found it comforting.
“I love my hair but you mean much more Y/n” Jere announced turning back to me and I couldn’t help but let the tears roll down my face now, pulling Jere to join the hug. He will be exactly the one for Belly, he’ll treat her well. I was sure of it.
Now it was my turn to sit on the edge of the tub, Susannah’s arm around me as we watched both her boys get their heads shaved by my mom.
“Well now we’re all gonna look like weirdos every time we leave the house,” I laughed looking at dad.
“And we’re gonna look like some cult parents who forced their kids to shave their heads,” he added back laughing
“I mean we could shave yours too David,” Susannah added, “Then we’ll confuse the narrative,”
“Only if your hair is next,” he challenged and I squeezed Suze’s hand, I would never let anyone come near her beautiful, golden hair.
“I think we’ve shaved enough heads for one day,” mom announces pulling the razor momentarily from Jere’s head, “Remember we have that dinner reservation in like two hours and I’d like to get changed from these sweats and t-shirt,” she goes back to Jere’s hair but before she’s able to make any progress she turns back around again, “Actually that’s a lie I could live in this outfit for the rest of my life I’m just not sure the people at the restaurant would appreciate it,” she says and every in the room laughs.
*✭˚・゚✧*・゚*✭˚・゚✧*・゚*
The hospital room I’d been in for the past week and a half has become a familiar sight, considering that I’ve only left it to go to other similar looking rooms in the hospital. I look at the clock, its five in the afternoon, I must have fallen asleep again. The November chill was visible outside by the frost on the other side of the glass.
On the other side of the room behind the wall I hear mom talking to someone, dad has gone to work for the day, they’ve started switching days, so I can only guess it’s Susannah or the boys.
“It’s been getting worse,” her voice quivers and a part of me wishes I could mute her out, still be asleep. I know the truth, a part of me has known it since I found out the cancer came back those couple of weeks before we departed for Cousins that summer, I wasn’t going to get better.
“There must be something they can do,” another voice said, this time my body hauled me up a little. Conrad. I’ve been letting him visit me, he wanted to be here all the time but I asked Susannah to pace him. He was here this morning. It was meant to be one visit a day.
I know that makes me sound horrible, and it makes my own heart shatter piece by piece but it wasn’t because I didn’t love him or because I didn’t want him to be here. I knew there would be a time where he would have to move on, life would continue and he has such a bright future ahead of him, so many people to meet and experiences to be had. In my head if the distancing started now maybe it would be easier for him, even still the image of him with any other girl made me feel sick.
“Is she awake?” Is what I hear when I break out of thought.
“She wasn’t when I left to get changed and grab some food, but it’s been a couple of hours so she should be waking up soon if you want to go in,” mom said and I silently battled with the thought of pretending to still be asleep.
Before I had the time to make the choice the door was opening and then Conrad’s and my eyes met and he was coming to sit next to my bed, quickly pulling his hand into mine.
He bought a bag of games with him, we started with some card games, then snake and ladders, then four in a row and so on for a couple of hours. I was glad he came for the second time today.
“What?” He asked, I was staring at him but it wasn’t like he wasn’t staring back
“No nothing, just wondering how I managed to score such a hot boyfriend,” I say fanning myself with one hand, “And he’s a teddybear and sweetheart.” I added and watched him cringe at my words.
“I’m the one who should be asking how I managed to get a girlfriend as stunning and kindhearted as you,” he said but I just rolled my eyes. As much as we did this over the top thing as a joke we both knew we meant the words.
We talked and talked that night, he held my hand through it all. I didn’t realize how late it was but mom had come to sit in the corner of the room, she’d been having trouble sleeping recently but she’d managed to snooze off.
“I love you so much Connie, I’m thankful for you everyday, never ever change,” I whispered holding back a sob, he was half asleep on his chair next to my bed too.
“I love you too,” he said leaning up to kiss me gently. Then Connie and I whispered to each other until I too was fading away into sleep.
*✭˚・゚✧*・゚*✭˚・゚✧*・゚*
Conrad’s POV:
I never thought I’d be stood here, looking at all these people and her picture in front of a casket. I took that photo the day I asked her to be my girlfriend on Cousins beach, all her teeth were shining pearly white and her hair was blowing in the wind framing her face like a masterpiece statue or a goddess.
“I think you all know that Y/n meant more to me than anything and anyone in my life, alongside my family. We grew up with each other. We were there for each other in the good and bad times even before we were together romantically. She is- was- one of the most integral pieces of the puzzle of our lives. I think I can speak on behalf of our families,” I pause, tears rolling down my face, and a sob building up in my throat, “I don’t know how I will be able to go day by day without seeing her, hearing her voice and her passion. She inspired me more than anyone and I will love her until the day I die and even further into whatever comes after death, I will do everything in my power to make sure all her goals for the many charities and organizations are complete, I will build a new charity in her name, I will make sure she gets the remembrance she deserves, because- because more than anyone I know she deserved all happiness and love. She will be missed more than I could ever have the words to express” I finished and turned to the casket, “Please don’t leave me, come back to me,” I whispered.
There was more I wanted to say, I could speak about her for days and nights on end, about how wonderful and bubbly and kind she was and yet I couldn’t. These faces in the crowd, some knew her better than others but no one like our little families, Belly, Jere and Steven were all sat next to each other crying. Mom was holding her arms around Y/n’s mom and dad as they stared at me, thankful for my words.  
I broke into tears too, leaning onto the stand in front of me for support. Mom rushed towards me now, holding me close and helping me down to the seats. There I sat numb, tears flowing as the pastor finished the ceremony after which we all filed out and watched her get lowered into her grave. It read ‘Y/n L/n. Daughter, friend, love. An inspiration to all’
I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since I was holding her hand the night she passed. Two weeks since I’ve lost my everything.
Masterlist
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alvojake · 2 months ago
Text
First Snowfall | P.SH
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「prompt」 : countdown 「pairing」 : sunghoon x fem!reader 「word count」 : 1.8k
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「synopsis」 : as the saying goes “all good things must come to an end” and you were the living enigma of that. you only had a limited time left in this lifetime, but you wanted nothing more than to spend it with sunghoon, your boyfriend.
「genre」 : angst, tiny bit of fluff
「warnings」 : kissing, petnames (baby, my love, honey...), mentions of cancer, death, mentions of depression, lmk if I missed anything!
masterlist ─ navi. ─ angstober list
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Things in this world never truly go the way you expect them to, much less how you planned them to. No, the world is cruel and twisted, bringing agony to those who don’t deserve it and blessing those who have no right to hold those blessings. 
You had always thought that you could beat those odds, showing the world that it can’t control you and that you can make your own destiny.
-
“Don’t worry, mama, when I grow up, I’m going to make sure that you and Daddy have nothing to worry about!” That’s what seven-year-old you had told your mother as she lay weak in her bed, a sad but satisfied smile tugging on the corner of her lips. She was satisfied that she had raised such an amazing daughter, one that she knew would make it far in her life.
Even if she wasn’t there to witness it.
“Why is the world so cruel, Daddy? Mommy didn’t do anything wrong!” Nine-year-old you weep in your father's arms as you stood before your mother's grave, raindrops splattering overhead, but you can’t pay them any mind at the moment.
-
That was when you decided that no matter what the world would throw at you, you would fight it and live your life to the fullest. Go on all the adventures you have always dreamed of, marry an amazing man whom you love dearly, and have a few kids. A girl and a boy, you would tell yourself. Then you’d grow old with your husband, watching as your kids grew and had families of their own.
And it seemed like everything was going on the right path. You had found the love of your life, Park Sunghoon. Everything with him was perfect. You balanced each other out, and when one fell, the other was always there to pick them up. You had just graduated from school and were set on starting your dream job. Everything was perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
“We’re sorry, Ms. l/n, but you have stage four brain cancer.” The news had hit you like a freight train, you sat there, hands in your lap as tears streamed from your eyes and the comforting words from Sunghoon fell on deaf ears.
Who would have thought a few measly headaches would be the result of a terminal illness? Who would have thought that everything you did in your life to avoid this was all useless? Who would have thought that you would become the new laughingstock for the universe?
‘Oh look, this poor, measly girl thinks she can change her fate and fight all odds; well, let's see her fight this one.’
“How long do I have left?” You asked that dreaded question, hands tightly holding onto Sunghoon’s as you glanced up at the doctor with a misty gaze.
“Six months. A year if you’re lucky.” The doctor relayed the information, and it felt as if a bucket of ice had washed over your entire body. Your hands trembled as you tried to process everything.
All of those plans that you had made would never happen. Those two baby faces that you used to see so clearly were now blurry, fading away by the minute. The dream wedding that you have had planned out since you were a little girl was merely that. A dream.
Everything was ruined.
-
It took weeks for Sunghoon to get you out of your shared bedroom. He begged you to do things with him, but you declined every time, claiming you didn’t feel well enough and that you were sure he would grow tired of it all and just leave—leave you to waste away into nothing.
But he never did.
He stayed with you through everything. The doctor's appointments, the chemo treatments, the day that you broke down because your hair had started falling out, even the day that you had decided to shave it all away. He was there for everything.
“I promise that I will never leave your side. I will be with you until the very end.” Those words left his lips so carelessly as he bent down on one knee in front of you, the velvet ring box feeling like a hundred-pound weight in his palm, and he spoke those words you never thought you’d hear. “Even if we don’t get a lifetime together I still want to be with you, will you marry me?”
Tears streamed down your face as you repeated the same word over and over like a broken record.
"Yes."
-
And you got your dream wedding, a beautiful day in early fall, just as the leaves started to turn lovely shades of red, orange, and yellow. The temperature was perfect as your father walked you down the aisle to your fiance, who was beaming like a child on Christmas as he watched you walk towards him.
You were beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, and Sunghoon could have sworn he was the luckiest man on earth. His happiness grew tenfold with each step you took towards him, and he could have sworn his heart stopped in his chest as your father handed you over to him with a proud gleam in his eyes.
Time seemed to have slowed as you two shared your vows before the officiant announced you were husband and wife. Then you shared a sweet, beautiful kiss as everyone cheered and threw rose petals over each other.
Happiness wouldn’t even begin to cover what you felt in that moment, surrounded by those who loved and adored you. Married to the man that you swore you’d spend the rest of your life with.
While you stood there overlooking everyone around you with nothing but love, the little clock ticking down in the back of your mind seemed to have been forgotten.
-
Then the year mark passed, and you finally believed that you had beaten all odds and would beat this cancer. Even the doctors were impressed with all of the progress you were making.
You went into remission, and the doctors thought it was a miracle. They monitored you closely, but before too long, the doctor's appointments were reduced, and you were starting to get better and better.
That night was filled with celebration and a lot of happy tears shared between you and all of your loved ones. Most importantly, you shared an unforgettable night with Sunghoon.
“You did it, baby, just like I knew you could.” He whispered those sweet words to you as the both of you slipped off into a deep slumber, wrapped tightly in each other's arms.
Then, just like that, another year passed, and you still showed no sign of the cancer growing. You had beat all odds the universe had thrown at you. You have proved them wrong that you can change your fate.
Just like you were going to spend another year with your husband for his birthday in a few weeks. You had planned everything perfectly, to the cake flavor and design, the gifts and the dinner you would cook. It was going to be an amazing night for the both of you.
“It’s perfect, my love.” Those were the words that pulled a grin on your face as Sunghoon pulled you into his arms, placing a soft kiss on your forehead.
You wrapped your arms around his waist, enjoying the warmth that his body radiated until the savory smell of your dinner reminded you that it was still on the stove.
“Go sit down; I’ll fix our plates," you hurriedly told him as you pulled away and made a beeline for the kitchen, thankfully in time so nothing was burnt or ruined.
With a sigh of relief, you started adding the final touch before grabbing plates. It was then that you felt a dull pain in your head, causing you to grimace, but you chose to ignore it. It wasn’t anything but a small headache that you could take painkillers for in just a few moments.
Right?
Sunghoon had sat down at the dining table after kicking his shoes off and hanging his coat, checking his phone one last time before he powered it off to spend the evening with you. However, movement outside the window, his eyes brightened when he looked over. White snowflakes had started to fall from the sky, coating the grass in white dust.
The first snowfall of the year had happened on his birthday.
“Honey, look, it’s snow—” He started to call out to you but was interrupted by a loud crash from the kitchen, and his heart dropped.
Rushing around the table, he found your limp body on the ground, shattered plates surrounding your body. Dread washed over his entire being as he pulled your body into his arms, checking for a pulse, a small cry of relief falling from his lips when he found one, but it was faint.
-
It had come back. The cancer that you had thought you beat came back, and it was stronger this time. Your body was slowly shutting down, doctors rushing in and out of your room, trying their best to get you in a stable condition.
You were fighting as hard as you could to get control of your body once more, tears falling from the corner of your eyes as you looked at all of the unfamiliar faces with blurred vision. You tried to find Sunghoon in the midst of all of the unknown doctors and nurses, but no matter how hard you tried, he was nowhere to be found.
‘I’m sorry, Hoonie. If I could, I would trade anything to say a proper goodbye.’ 
You had prayed to anything and everything that you could fight just long enough to say goodbye, but you knew that your body wouldn’t make it. You knew that these were your last fleeting breaths. So you just turned your head to look out the windows where the snow was falling ever so peacefully, wishing nothing but the best for everyone. Even if you weren’t going to be there to see it.
And so that night, while the snow continued to flutter down to the earth's surface without a care in the world, you lay lifelessly on the operation table while the doctors tried their best to revive you while Sunghoon paced the hallway outside frantically, hoping that you would be okay.
Then everything went silent. The door finally opened, and Sunghoon stopped pacing to look at the doctor who had just walked out. He could tell by the solemn look on the doctor's face that you were gone, but he refused to believe it. You couldn’t be gone.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Park, we did everything we could, but we couldn’t save her.” 
But you were.
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@alvojake | Do not steal, plagiarise, translate, or repost any of my work
𝖉𝖎𝖘𝖈𝖑𝖆𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖗 : ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɴᴏ ᴡᴀʏ ᴀ ᴛʀᴜᴇ ʀᴇᴘʀᴇꜱᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴀɴʏ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀꜱ. ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ᴘᴜʀᴇʟʏ ꜰɪᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴀɴᴅ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴛᴀᴋᴇɴ ꜱᴇʀɪᴏᴜꜱʟʏ.
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starsjulia · 27 days ago
Text
angel chapter two // the diagnosis
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leah williamson x child!reader
masterlist
a/n : all the chapters are around 1000 words, so sorry about that, but i have a few longer ones in the works
warnings : medical talk, medical equipment, cancer, brain tumor, the whole lot honestly
The headaches had started out as a minor annoyance—nothing more than the occasional discomfort that Leah thought was part of growing up. Angel would clutch her head with a little frown, but a bit of rest seemed to do the trick each time. Leah told herself it was nothing serious, just the tiredness of a child who loved to do everything at full speed. Angel was always running, always laughing, always eager to squeeze every last drop out of each day. But then came the dizziness.
It happened one morning when Leah was making breakfast. She’d turned away for just a moment to flip a pancake when she heard the soft thud behind her. Spinning around, she saw Angel sitting on the kitchen floor, a look of confusion in her big blue eyes.
“What happened, darling?” Leah asked, rushing over to scoop her daughter up, her heart beating just a little faster than normal.
“I don’t know,” Angel replied, rubbing her forehead. “I just felt… funny.” She shrugged, then nestled closer to her mum, as if trying to brush off the incident.
Leah held Angel close, her fingers running through the little girl’s curls. “You’re okay, love,” she murmured, though a twinge of worry had already begun to creep in. “Maybe you just stood up too fast.”
But over the next few days, the headaches grew more frequent, and sometimes Angel would complain of her vision going blurry. It wasn’t like her to be so quiet or tired, not when she usually sprang out of bed at the crack of dawn. One day after practice, Angel had even fallen asleep on the bench at the pitch—a place she would normally be buzzing with excitement.
Leah knew then that it was time to stop brushing it off. She scheduled an appointment with their family doctor, trying to stay calm as she explained the symptoms. They ran some tests, but when the results came back inconclusive, the doctor recommended a specialist to look deeper. Leah did her best to stay positive, to keep her voice steady as she reassured Angel that it was all just a check-up.
The specialist ordered an MRI, a word that sounded far too serious to Leah. Still, she kept a smile on her face, one that grew tighter as she watched her little girl lay inside the noisy machine. Angel’s tiny frame seemed to disappear beneath the vast, cold metal, and for the first time, Leah felt truly afraid. She didn’t know why yet, didn’t even know if she had any reason to be. But a mother’s instinct is powerful, and something deep in her chest tightened painfully.
The call came just two days later. Leah had been folding the washing when the phone rang, the number flashing on the screen a reminder of the doctor’s visit she’d tried not to think too much about. The doctor’s voice was gentle but strained, and in just a few words, Leah’s world cracked open.
“Miss Williamson… we found a tumor on Angel’s brain. It’s… it’s quite large. We’ll need to start treatment immediately.”
The rest of the conversation was a blur—a jumble of medical jargon, treatment plans, and reassurances that Leah could hardly process. All she could think about was that one word: tumor. It lodged itself in her mind, refusing to budge, as she sank onto the floor, the phone slipping from her hand. It felt like the room was closing in around her, the walls pressing tighter and tighter until she could hardly breathe.
How was she supposed to tell Angel? Her sweet, brave little girl, who didn’t even know what cancer was, let alone that she was about to start a fight for her life.
Leah had to pull herself together. Angel was due home from school in half an hour, and she needed to be the strong one now. She needed to find a way to explain this without shattering the world Angel knew.
When Angel came through the door, her backpack bouncing on her tiny shoulders, Leah knelt down to greet her, wrapping her in a hug that was perhaps a little too tight.
“Guess what, darling?” Leah said, forcing her voice to stay cheerful as she stroked Angel’s hair. “We’ve got another special appointment soon. The doctors just want to take extra good care of you.”
“Like at the hospital?” Angel asked, her eyes wide with curiosity. “I didn’t like that big noisy machine.”
“I know, love,” Leah whispered, swallowing hard. “But this time it’ll be different. They’ll help make the headaches go away, okay?”
Angel tilted her head, sensing something in her mum’s voice that she couldn’t quite understand. “Will you be with me the whole time?” she asked softly.
“Every single second,” Leah promised, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill over. She wasn’t going to cry—not in front of Angel. “And so will Grandma and Grandpa, and Auntie Wally, and all of your friends from the team. We’re all going to help you feel better.”
Leah wished she could have given her daughter a clearer picture of what was coming next, but how could she? She didn’t even know what lay ahead herself. The doctors spoke of chemotherapy, surgeries, long hospital stays, and possible complications with a clinical detachment that Leah found almost unbearable. Every step of the plan felt like it was filled with a million different ways things could go wrong.
The first round of chemotherapy began two weeks later, and Leah felt a cold, helpless anger build inside her as she watched Angel’s little body endure the harsh treatment. It wasn’t fair that such a young child should have to suffer like this. When Angel lost her appetite, Leah would sit beside her for hours, coaxing her to take just one bite of her favorite pudding. When the nausea hit, Leah would rub Angel’s back and whisper soothing words, trying to comfort her in ways that didn’t seem enough.
Still, Angel showed a strength that took Leah’s breath away. Even on the days when she was too tired to get out of bed, she would look up at Leah with that same bright spark in her eyes, the one that had always made her seem so much older than her years. “We’re gonna beat this, right, Mummy?” she’d say, her voice no louder than a whisper. “Like when we win at football?”
“Yes, love,” Leah would reply, her heart clenching as she kissed Angel’s forehead. “exactly like that.”
After one particularly rough day, Leah found herself sitting in her car outside the hospital, her head resting against the steering wheel as she tried to gather the strength to go back inside. She hated feeling so powerless, hated that no matter how much she loved her daughter, she couldn’t just take this burden from her and bear it herself. For the first time in a long while, Leah allowed herself to cry, her shoulders shaking with the weight of it all.
When she returned to Angel’s room, she found her daughter asleep, clutching the small stuffed lion that Alessia had brought over earlier that week. The toy had been a favorite since it arrived, and Angel had named it “Little Leo” after her mum. Leah sat down in the chair beside the bed and took Angel’s hand in hers, marveling at how small and delicate it seemed. She had once thought of Angel as invincible, her laughter strong enough to ward off any shadow. Now, Leah knew just how fragile and precious life could be.
In that quiet room, with the hum of medical equipment in the background, Leah made a silent promise to herself and to Angel. She would fight for her daughter with everything she had. She would be the rock that Angel needed, no matter how rough the road ahead became. Because that was what a mother did—she protected her child, even if it meant standing firm in the face of the unimaginable.
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