#or maybe i'm too sick to get mad about having to level a character i wasnt planning on leveling on short notice

[themslash]

the good news though is despite my illness i did pick up etrian odyssey 4 on my newly fixed 3ds and i did pass the first stratum in the past 2 days

[icarusredwings]

Snippet of my one fic series im calling

"Finding home."

This comes after DOG TAGS. They're spending the night at the Xmen mansion when someone pays them a visit. Established Poolverine.

Warning: Wade is just.. Wade. Logan (worst wolverine) is learning to stand up for himself, Complicated stuff with Jean Grey and other xmen characters. Post unknown context.

Angst, emotional hurt/comfort, fluff.

Coming into the room, Logan had found Wade lying down. Sprawled out beautifully like a dame in one of those fancy paintings. As if he was worn out. This had pleased him greatly. It meant he had so much fun that he was satisfied with the level of exercise and socialization for today. Something that was a rare sight.

Walking over, he climbed into the bed with a big smirk, pulling him close, underneath him.

“Hey..”

“Hi.”

He chuckled softly, starting to kiss him all over. The kind of kisses that meant he was hungry for something more, already nipping at his lips and his neck. Putting his head back into the silk pillows Wade groaned, putting his hands up to the back of his head, beginning to pet him.

Sliding his shirt up, It wasn't often that Logan let himself wonder so confidently. Which is why Wade whined, his stomach fluttery a bit as he groaned. Maybe it was because Logan was leaving a trail of nips down his abdomen or maybe it was because of how nauseous he was getting, but something wasn't right.

“Oh god. I usually would never in a billion life times say this but.. Stop?” What ever has gotten into Logan had got him good because he only chuckled again and bit his ear, Holding him by the hem of his jeans. “Sorry, Bub, But you're all mine now. Stuck with me. So get used to it because you're gonna be scr-”

“Logan Stop.”

Almost instantly, Like a switch he sat up, No longer touching him. In Fact the look he gave him was filled with concern and almost ashamed for the things he's done. For not stopping the first time. There've been plenty of times where stop didn't actually mean it, but he knew better when it was said in that tone.

This only made Wade pout more. Look at him!! All confident and ready to play the way they've been training his self confidence for. And the dirty talk too? Come on! How he was sitting like this? All obedient and worried for him? Ugh! He only wanted to fuck him more now. It wasn't fair.

“I'm gonna puke.” He stated a quick explanation that made the man frown, his thoughts instantly going to because of him, as if he were too gross to play with, but a single brain cell pipped up as he remembered his dear fiancé was not new to throwing up.

“If… if you don't mind. Do you think we could just cuddle tonight?” He asked, looking almost ashamed of himself too, feeling bad for turning him away.

“Yes. I mean- Of course… Do you want help?” Watching him light up like a puppy with hope to be helpful.

Wade couldn't help but stifle a laugh, giggling after the scoff. “Can you hand me that trash can? And.. maybe look away. Or something.” He muttered, not liking when people saw him so gross, especially not him. No one wanted to kiss you with vomit in your mouth. Within a few seconds, He fetched the trash can, sitting next to him as he rubbed his back.

“You're alright.” He whispered, reassuring Wade that it was okay, that he could do whatever he needed to do, and no one would be mad at him. Sometimes, he became upset with himself for times like this. Thought it ruined the moment, and past shitty hookups have convinced him it was true and his fault.

This was the opposite of looking away, but no one really wanted to be alone when sick.

“You're burning up…” he mummbled, looking away but kept his hand on him as he hurled, gagging and grunting how much he hated doing this.

Listening to him try to catch his breath was the worst part for him, knowing how sensitive he was to unauthorized breath play and cancer didn't exactly believe in safe words.

“I know.. I know.” It took him about a month to finally get it when he first moved in, that Wade wasn't lean and thin because he wanted to be, Rather, he could barely keep anything down some days.

“It's alright. Hey. You're okay. I got you.” He whispers to him. Wade put his head back, tears in his eyes as he breathed deep and slow.

“There we go. Better?”

Starting to nod, this quickly became a shake of his head, putting his head in that trash can again. Oh, the poor thing…

Opening the door, Logan swallowed as he saw her. “Hey…”

To make matters worse, there was a knock at the door. God, they couldn't catch a break, could they? Without even getting a chance to ask, Wade went off to the bathroom, slamming the door. He always did prefer a toilet, really. It's much easier to throw your guts up when you don't have to worry about holding a bucket full of vomit. Much easier to clean up too, just flush it instead of rinsing it and cleaning it with soap.

“Erm.. Hi?”

“Look.. Logan I- We.. we're sorry. For everything.”

Crossing his arms he looked away, leaning against the door frame. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Yes. You very much do. You claim that you're different, but the way you've been acting shows that we even hurt you in your timeline, too. So.. While I don't know what we did then, I want us to be on good terms.”

“Us?” He asked, a little confused, shaking his head a bit. “Jean.. that was a long time ago. And you're not even the same person. I'm not even the same person.”

Blinking, Logan looked outside of the door, as if trying to see if there was anyone else. “I'm sorry- this is bothering me. We?? Who's we?”

“I know.. but that doesn't mean we can't apologize... Maybe start over? We would like that."

“Well.. you know how he can be.”

“Jean, Usually when people apologize, they're in person and say it to their face. Not send their pregnant wife to come confront them by herself.”

A Small look of horror came to her face, as if she hadn't told anyone else yet. A look that said ‘How did you know?’ But she only sighed.

“Only ever what mattered…” His nose crinkled a bit, Able to smell it. She wasn't far enough along for him to tell if it was a boy or a girl, but the baby was healthy. That's all that did matter to him. There was nothing wrong with worrying for a friend's child.. was there?

“I never could hide anything from you...Could I?”

“Logan, Please. He really is sorry. He's just.. you know.. with the school and you of all people know how much a man's egos can get in the way of things...” She mumbled, taking his hand, rubbing over his knuckles.

She wasn't even doing anything with her powers, and yet he felt this intense wave of relief fall over him, only for it to be instantly covered with a sense of protectiveness. She always had that effect on him. He wanted to protect her no matter what.

Swallowing again, he pulled his hand away as it started to sweat.

“That's exactly my point.. If he actually was sorry and believed he did do something wrong, He'd be standing here with you, now wouldn't he?”

“That's not-”

“I'm not finished!” He growled, tired of being spoken over. Wade did a hell of a job to connect his emotions to his mouth, and now he wasn't shutting it off. He worked hard to turn his grunts into words. And she would litsen.

Becoming quiet, she nodded, Implying that he could finish without another interruption.

Taking her other hand, he held both of them.

“I know you're an independent woman. You always have been. But you shouldn't have too. You need a man that will not only defend you, but will take care of you, and stand next to you for things like this.”

This speechless promise quickly becomes a lie. “Logan-” Her eyes were almost… hopeful.

Tears welled in her eyes but wouldn't let them drop.

“I'm not that man.” He started, shaking his head slowly as he did, not wanting her to get any ideas.

“Not anymore… Do you understand? Hell, Even Forge stands up for Ororo and would defend her until his last breath despite her practically being an all-powerful weather goddess!... and your husband won't even stand next to you while saying sorry? Think about it.”

“F-for what?”

“Jean, I'm sorry.”

“Because I'm happy. I was never going to fit into your marriage. Not ever. Not… well. At least. Everyone thinks that relationships are finding someone who matches your puzzle piece. When in reality it's finding someone who's willing to change pieces to fit. I mean- I'm engaged now!” He whispered this bit, almost excited, leaning down some to talk to her.

“Is.. he okay?” She asks.

“How crazy is that? The Wolverine settling down? Crazy to think about. And with a dying maniac at that.” He smiles, only to frown, hearing a big cough and a groan of frustration from the bathroom. “Oohh Fuck..” It said.

He now stands, putting his hands in his pockets. “He gets tummy aches.” He lied, whispering. “Gluten sensitivity.”

“Ooh…then why is he-”

Just before she could say it, Wade came out with a stretch, seeming better as he dramatically held his stomach.

“We're pregnant!!”

“No- we are not.”

“Pfft-” snickering some, Logan put his hand to his face, rubbing it embarrassedly.

“Oh we so are! Don't you remember? It's the only reason he's marrying me really. Got me knocked up and now we're having A shotgun wedding. How scandalous! I can see the headlines now.”

“There's not going to be any headlines, you lunatic!” He chuckled, almost at the brink of giggling.

A frown came to her face, only to softly smile.

“... I've never seen you laugh like that before.”

“Huh? Oh… heh.. yeah. I uhm… I didn't know that I could..”

“Hmm.. Well.. I guess I should be going..” She whispered. “Leave you two alone..” Turning to leave, she had mixed feelings about the interaction. Happy for him yes, but also now had other topics to think about.

“Mmh.. Yeah.. Oh- And Jean?”

Turning, the hope in her eyes made him frown, feeling sort of bad for being kind of a jerk to a pregnant lady. “When Scott grows some balls? He knows where to find me.”

Sighing, she nods. “…Goodnight, Logan.”

“ ‘Night.”

Closing the door, he came back to bed, still giggling a bit. “Why did you tell her we're pregnant? I can't get you pregnant, idiot.”

Laying on the bed, Wade looked slightly offended. “Are you calling me a liar!?”

“I'm calling you the biggest liar.”

He shrugged. “Oh well. And who knows? Maybe I got a cancer baby in there or something.”

Rolling his eyes, He climbed under the blanket with him. “Oh shut up. You don't have a cancer baby.”

“You never know…So…marrying a dying maniac?”

“Oh… how much of that did you hear?”

Grunting, He rolled over, Putting his face in his hands again. “Nngh.. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean for you to hear all that..”

“The bathroom has surprisingly thin walls.”

“It's alright. It's always nice knowing that you're just as big of a whore as I am.”

“Hey! Am not! It was just… complicated.”

“That's what whores say when they can't pick one dick to ride” he giggled, Rolling over to climb into his chest, nuzzling up under his chin.

“Are…are you sure you aren't happier... here?” He asked, the questions slipping out.

So many things were running through his mind, things that he probably shouldn't be thinking but he's learned that as long as it stays in his head, no one would get hurt… except.. that was the hard part.

Logan let out a deep sigh. “Wade?”

“I mean- Do you even like that i'm with Vanessa? What were you doing? Being a barrack bunny? But for the mansion? The mansions personally sex pet or some kinky shit like that?”

“Yeah, yeah.. shut up.. I know...”

“Wade.”

“hm?”

“I let you cut up my dog tags…and turn them into a ring”

“Technically Forge did that- actually.”

“.. a ring that you own now.. right?”

“Uh… yes?”

“And dogs go with their tags.. right?”

“I guess so?”

For a few seconds there was silence.

“So what does that mean?”

“25- no! 26. I'm pretty sure it's 26.”

“What?” He laughed. “That wasn't even a math question.”

“Ugh, just tell me. I'm not good at stupid riddles! If I ever met the riddler I'd just shoot him in the face.”

“The who-? erm, nevermind. If the tags belong to me. Yes?”

“Ok..”

“And now you own them. Yeah?”

“Okay..”

“Then that means..”

Blinking, he suddenly gasped a few seconds later, going into a giggle fit as he held him tight. “Oohh!! I wanna get married!”

“We will. Just not yet.”

“Tomorrow!!”

“No-”

“Why!?”

He wasn't tucking and running anymore. He would stay like a loyal mutt. As long as he wore that ring on his finger, he'd follow him. Whether here, or at that shitty apartment. He didn't care which.

“Because.. you deserve a good one. And good ones aren't planned overnight.” Logan smiled.

“And for your information… I was always the Barrack bunny..”

“GASSSP!! No way!! Same!”

“Yeah I figured that much… and.. As for Vanessa? We're inviting her to the wedding right?”

“Obviously. Duh.”

“.. Go ahead and kiss her after me.”

“Shut up and take orders, Wilson.”

“Really? But that’s- I don't think-”

“Yes sir!.. erm... peanut?”

“Do you still want too?....you know”

“Hm?” It was these late night talks that really made him enjoy having him around. The pressure on his chest, the gabbing, the giggles. It made him feel young again.

“Eh.. not really. 'm tired."

“Oh thank god! My stomach is killing me.” He groaned. Shifting them to lay on his side, Logan pulled him close into his chest, rubbing his stomach softly.

“Behave, Jr.” He mumbled, earning himself another laugh and a deep kiss. “Mmh..” intertwining their hands, Wade curled up against him, happy as always just to be next to him.

“...I love you..” Holding him in his arms as he said this, he felt embarrassed and almost.. nervous. As if he wouldn't say it back. But if there was anything about Wade he knew, it's that he'd never skip a beat to reciprocate affection.. something he wasn't used too.

“..How much?” Usually, he wouldn't ask such childish things. But Tonight? He might have needed it.

“I love you too, Logan. A lot.”

“I'd fight the entire world.”

“You do that anyway. More than tacos?”

“Woah there, Angelcakes! Know your place.”

They both laugh, the giggles die down, and snoring replaces the sounds.

[longing-for-rain]

Just so you know, some of your anons are coming from a blog called @mal3vol3nt

I do not know if you’re aware, but she’s chronically obsessed with you and has also been sharing your ao3 on Twitter and inciting harassment there too, saying you’re “racist” and a “degenerate” and accusing you of writing underage. Her blog lately is mainly posts about you and it sounds very similar to some of your anons

I had to check this out for myself and...wow. All I can say is just...wow 🤣

No, I actually had no idea who this person was but from the looks of it she's been obsessed with me for months? I guess that explains the anons, I knew these people were mad, but apparently they've been over here steaming over my takes and are legitimately terrified of me. And I didn't even know them! Didn't realize I've been doing numbers on Twitter (or X whatever it is now) despite never having an account.

(The rest is below; please don't click if you do not wish to see insensitive discussions of rape or if you are not in the mood to read opinions so malformed they will melt your brain)

I guess I have another angry little troll who doesn't know what a captial letter is obsessed with me. Wish I could say it was the first time, but alas. A lot of particularly funny things here though.

> Advertising your terrible ragebait Twitter like anyone finds you important

Lmao.

> "write fanfiction of katara being raped so zuko can save her"

What a terrible misread of the point of that story, but then again, I don't expect much else from a terminally online crybaby who exclusively consumes media for children. If you can't handle adult discussions about adult topics, maybe don't read stories that are clearly marked 18+ and with far more extensive trigger warnings than any mainstream media will give you.

> "measuring the size of her breasts and hips"

Lmao. I said she is drawn differently in different scenes. That's it. You guys are another level of unhinged.

> "obviously fetishes and racism"

It's kind of creepy how they sexualize Zutara, while simultaneously accusing us of doing that. Why do you assume a fetish is the only reason behind someone liking a ship? Why would you say this about a group of people including many black, brown, and indigenous women? And minors? And if you want to get into the whole fetish thing, don't even get me started on the shit I've seen from the kataang fandom. Hint: when I say some of you have a "mommy fetish" I mean it in a very literal sense. Not to mention the whole kataang rape discord debacle.

> "sick fantasies about these minor characters"

I have never depicted a minor in a sexual situation. I make a point to explicitly avoid doing that, and all characters are depicted as adults. Your lack of media literacy isn't an argument. If you're going to criticize my writing, at least read it, which you clearly didn't. And if the content is too upsetting for you, you clearly lack the maturity to engage in these kinds of discussions.

Imagine treating ship discourse this seriously, actually unhinged. Who said that Ember Island Players is the real Katara? What? She talks a big number about coke-fueled rants, must have given it a try herself. How do you expect to be taken seriously when you never say anything of substance and screech "racism" or "colonizer" every other word but can't even articulate the significance of those terms? Honestly, at this point you sound like a right-winger who thinks saying "but I'm [identity] and I agree with [opinion]" is a golden ticket to winning every argument.

And look at this: apparently I deserved all the things she and her friends sent me? Actually I respect this take, at least she's honest about it unlike the people who cry and backpeddle when they get caught red-handed.

I'm actually cackling at this one. Genuinely laughing; my neighbors are probably concerned. It's like you took every single Bad Person Allegation and threw it into a blender. And to top it all off, apparently 24 is "pushing 30" now LMAO. And apparently I, a lesbian, could only possibly like Zutara because I think Zuko is hot. Not to mention the way they entirely miss the point of Zutara, but ATLA itself, by insisting that Zuko is a "violent imperialist" who is apparently unworthy of love by anyone who does not share his skin tone. Kind of ironic coming from the people crying that I'm a racist who doesn't understand the show. Next level clownery.

This is so funny. These people are absolutely terrified of me, no amount of unhinged anons will hide that. It's fine for men to tell me I deserve rape and death, that I'm a dirty pervert for daring to speak out about sexual trauma, and that women's sexual trauma is nothing but a fetish, but if I respond to that man telling him he should die for being so disrespectful and misogynistic to rape victims, I'm the monster? I stand by it. If you think what he said about rape and rape victims is acceptable, especially if you're a man, die! Hang from ropes, as I said.🥰

I guess I should be really scared though. This is clearly a very influential figure in the fandom who is renowned for her enlightened wisdom on the plight of fictional cartoon characters against evil imperialists like me (adult with job).

...oh wait. I was excited for a minute, I thought I was dealing with a celebrity. But even the "callouts" struggle to hit 20 notes :/

And to everyone sending me positivity during this time, thank you very much! But I wanted to show you this to assure you I'm doing just fine. People can act as weird as they want behind a gray face, but after seeing the kinds of whiny little brats they are in reality, it's pretty hard to take it seriously. "I got my plane ticket" my ass, that would require you to leave your decaying, trash-filled apartment.

[girl4music]

Angel: "What?"

Cordy: "What?"

Angel: "What do you want to say?"

Cordy: "Ah, me? Nothing. What makes you think I wanna..."

Angel: "'Cause I know you.”

Cordy: "Well, it's really… none of my business."

Angel: "And that always stops you?”

Cordy: “Actually, it is my business, *our* business, because we're trying to do a job here, and what affects you affects me, and anyway, I don't like to see you suffer more than you have to. I don't think you should blame yourself, or feel guilty for her death."

Angel: "I don't."

Cordy: "Good. Glad to hear it."

Angel: "I didn't even know who she was when I killed her."

Cordy: "Not her! Angel..."

Angel:

*After a beat*

“Oh... you… you want to talk about..."

Cordy: "She was the love of your life and she died.

*Angel sits down on the stairs, facing Cordy*

*Steps closer*

And you weren't there when it happened.

*Sits down next to him with a sigh*

You couldn't help her fight. You couldn't save her. You couldn't die with her."

*Angel doesn’t answer*

—————————————————————————

Cordy: "And how about you?"

Angel: "I'm o..."

Cordy: "And don't say 'okay.' Angel, please. I know you. Ever since you've come back from your grief trip I can tell that something's not right. And, and *obviously* it's not. Buffy's dead, and I don't mean to diminish that. I miss her too. I just wanna say… I know that James with all his Romeo and Juliet madness, opened up a lot of wounds for you, but you'll be okay."

Angel: "I am okay."

Cordy: "Then what's the problem?"

Angel: "That I'm okay. That losing Buffy didn't kill me. That I could deal with it. In all those years no one ever mattered. Not like she did. And now she's gone. Forever.”

Cordy: "And you're still here."

Angel: "Yeah. I just feel like I'm betraying her somehow."

Cordy: "No! If you were a loser, if you were some sick obsessed vampire, you'd go to a Snod demon, or whatever, and get your heart cut out. But you're not! You're a living, breathing... Well, living, anyway, good guy, whose still fighting and trying to help people, and that's not betraying her, that's honoring her."

Angel: "You think?"

Cordy: "I'm Cordelia. I don't think. I know. Okay?"

*Cordy gives him a big grin, which draws a small smile in response*

Angel: "Okay."

So I’m on to Season 3 of ‘Angel the Series’ and this first episode was dealing with the aftermath of Buffy’s death in Season 5 of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’. How it affects Angel and specifically how he keeps the grief of his loss to himself but Cordy can see through him.

But listen - Everything I’ve just quoted above showcases how much better of a relationship Angel has with Cordy over what he ever had with Buffy. All of THIS is what a RELATIONSHIP is. The way they just know each other that they can’t lie to one another. The way Cordy draws information out of Angel like no one else can and is so perceptive in figuring him out. The way he opens up to her with a minimum amount of prodding from her. The brick wall of non-communication that was Bangel is nowhere to be seen in Cangel. This entire conversation is about Buffy specifically and what Buffy means to Angel. Yet through it I can see that were it in reverse and it was Cordy that died and it was Buffy giving this speech….

There would honestly be nowhere near the breakthrough on revealing Angel’s emotions because they’re both one in the same when it comes to communication. They both hide away from each other in moments of being in need of someone to talk to. Maybe it’s just because they have more time and purpose to do significant character interaction in Angel’s own show when it comes to drawing out information from Angel’s psyche, but I just see so much more between Angel and Cordy - just friends - then I ever saw between apparent “love of their lives” Angel and Buffy. This level of intimate relation to one another is on the level of Spuffy or Tillow. This is what you’re supposed to have in a relationship where the people in it are actual partners. Honest and open communication. Buffy and Angel never had this… really ever. I mean I brought up the interaction and conversation they had in ‘Forever’ as the only time where I truly saw Bangel as genuinely relating to one another and this was well passed their heydays.

I really love what I’m seeing in this dynamic. This is what makes Angel - the character and the show - interesting to watch. He finally has someone who KNOWS him to the point where he cannot always brood away in silence and pretend like no one cares. Because that’s not interesting to watch. It’s just sad. Thank fuck Cordelia is in this show as a main character because not only is she better for it. But she makes HIM better for it as well! That’s precisely what was needed for either of them to be considered even half as interesting of a character to me as Willow or Spike. And okay - there’s still a lot to live up to there. But it’s a start! This is what I wanted to see in Bangel but I never could because they were so incompatible when it came to being each other’s sounding board. It was like they were trying but they were never breaking through that communication barrier between them so as much of a whirlwind romance that they had - that was written… there was just nothing holding it up other than all the physical intimacy that they shared. And that’s just shallow. There was no depth to it. Not like there is with Cangel. With what I can see in them.

[fantomette22]

Hello there! ^-^

It has been a while since I sent an ask but I miss your beautiful Gehrman drawings and posts

I was wondering if you had any ideas on who Mr. Gehrman’s parents were?

Hope you are well

Smiley anon!!!! :D Always a pleasure to see you're still around! Thank you for the great compliment 🥺 And I hope you are doing well too!

Yeah you are right I need to draw our scythe boy man more !

For real I really want & need to draw him more but I have lot to do as well and either don't managed to find the time or don't know what to do... still I managed to draw him a couple of time this year already so that's cool!

Anyway about his family! I'm glad you ask! I still haven't ALL the details (such as names I'm bad with names) but I do have a timeline of events and a couple of more precise ideas. (not gonna share everything here)

I really wanted to draw him and his family since a while as well but never got the occasion before, so thank you!

And it’s one more picture drawn from the old workshop! (Yeah one day i will draw all my headcanons of the photographies of the old workshop. It’s one of them. I like to think at least one is from his family).

Now, for me his parents are more in OC- Original Characters territory. And I headcanon he got a little sister (around 4+ year younger than him. Born the same year as Laurence. You see what I did here 👀).

They’re a pretty basic XIX/19th century working class-farmer family really. But I mean we're in bloodborne world so with chance, the level of life is a bit better (especially in education) than in real life. So yeah I imagined at the beginning he came from maybe a farmer family living in periphery of Yharnam or Hemwick when he was a child. With his parent, sister, + grandparents, cousins of his parents & his aunt ( a badass lady!) near. Thanks to his family & parents, Gehrman learnt almost everything he needed in life (work, repairing things & craft, surviving skills, hunt, cook, sew etc). I also like the idea that he could have foreign origin from either one of his parents or his grandparents at least. (But compared to Laurence who have half foreign origin too mr hunter actually inherit the tall genes compared to his friend XD)

The only thing missing would be a thirst for knowledge and he only had books & museum (& maybe a bit school too) to help it. Until well Byrgenwerth.

Also Gehrman was quite an unusual kid compared to his peer and that sometimes did worried his parents. Either he got interests far from kid his age or he was straight up out of the norm. (pretty oblivious he liked typical girl toys for exemple but was kind of a loner too. But also mean, one day they found a hurt bird on the ground. And the first thought the kid had was to mercy kills it... instead of just idk letting it here let nature do it's work... well in the end they took the bird in and heal it until it could fly again👍)

But he did fantastic things as well and they are very proud of him for that! He found huge meteorite in a field one day, he saved his dad life (kinda drama too), he killed a sick & dangerous wolf who was attacking cattle and almost lost his leg! No not because of the wolf but because of a trap... yeah he got hurt way too much on his right leg way before losing it...

Then I guess the mom passed away?? And his dad, sister and him moved to Yharnam, when he was a teenager. So yeah not always easy and even if his father probably tried hard at first, the more time pass the more he kinda suck. That lead to lot of yelling and almost fighting between the two men. (thanks god the sister was there🙏 yeah crying if not getting mad at them usually calm them both very efficiently). His father except his kids to basically take care of things at the house and that everything should ready when he's almost never here to help. And when he is, he's generally not in a good mood. So yeah I thunk he missed his mom (and aunt too) quite a lot...she was very nice and very kind and he misses her presence for sure.

Wen he got his majority or close to it, the big epidemic strike and his sister sadly passed away from it... it brokes him, nothing hold him back anymore so he leaved from his dad's and went to find some work. Still, a bit later they did reconcile! You know typical father/son activity! Like hm hunting...

Then I guess his dad passed away?? Yeah it's not very clear for me either maybe he could still be around, but I know that he ended all alone at some point and Gehrman got sick. He went to get heal at Byrgenwerth but they had to cut his leg to save him. Then he leave the region for a couple of years before coming back to study at Byrgenwerth!

I don't have precise names as well. I'm bad to choose them and it's not like I absolutely need them either. Still, on my list of names for OC I might had a few that could work. Hm ok I actually might have a more precise idea for his father. I think it would be very very funny if his father's name is like Herman or a name very similar to his own just for the following exchange :

"Oh that's your dad's name ? I see... he must have been very inspired to name you when you were born then 🤣"

Gehrman : Actually my parents named me after the legend of this guy but ok I guess 😑

OH I ALMOST FORGOT TOO!!!

but a few months ago i came across this beautiful painting! And immediately it made me thought of Gehrman or his parents back then! Either Gehrman in a very specific AU of mine hehe but i think it could also just illustrate his parents 🥺

---------

In the end you are right too. I should share more ideas / thoughts and headcanons on him as well when I find the time. The ones I could probably never wrote in a proper story so better draw + write some posts about it (such as : conflict with Laurence + with everyone + his grief after Maria passed away ; I swear I'm gonna draw him with his dog I SWEAR it's on my wip list ; I finally got an idea for an halloween costume for him 3 months after halloween 💀 ; hm 🤔 idk some lil shenanigans with the others too; how he got his red scarf 🧣 ; ah and more time while as a student supporting Laurence bullshit or encouraging him).

Thank you again smiley anon, I know I can always count on you! I hope it answer your question, there's a lot of mixt ideas. I'm curious about your ideas as well on our dear mister Gehrman! If, idk one day you wanna share or talk about it more (even on private). It will be my pleasure!

[blood-starved-beast]

1) Really glad that you liked my idea about how Gehrman and Maria could've been mutually cringefail to one another over failing "expectations" and thought that dynamic had potential! I have to admit though, you are actually the reason I've started thinking of Maria under less flattering angle and discovered new girlfailure depths in her 2) Tbh it is kind of funny how I always add commentary on Gehrman takes that are TOO unflattering, but you always add a commentary on Maria takes that aren't unflattering ENOUGH. It feels like that Spiderman meme with two of them pointing at one another but with one Spiderman being upside-down and with colors inverted. Maybe users like us can make those characters equal one day instead of defined "bad" side and "good" side. One day..

Sorry for getting back to you late but aw thanks bruh.

The thing with me and Bloodborne is that it's both a horror and a tragedy. And what comes to mind with those genres is that the characters, the human ones in this case, are often portrayed and are meant to be seen in an unflattering light, because they've done awful things/are awful people in line with the themes, motivations, mood, etc. of the story.

Bloodborne is a story about the aftermath of a societal collapse due to rampant, unchecked scientific and medical atrocities, hubris towards the gods (Great Ones), religious and political corruption, and human induced plagues. We're faced time and time again with Hunters and doctors who have done so much damage, so much atrocity, a callous and blatant disregard for human life. Like I don't even have to list them just open a save into any place and it's there.

So going back to Maria it's like. Her reputation precedes her. We enter the Research Hall where we're met with some of the most explicit violations of human life (Orphanage aside) in the game. The patients going mad, being turned into water bubbles for experimental purpose, living in squalor, going berserk. When their experiments fail they're dumped into the Lumenwood garden where in the dream rise up to fight you with the power of the Cosmos. They cry out for a Lady Maria, who based on what they're saying is allegedly helping them and supposedly is going to save them. These cries, uttered by the destitute and the sick. They are not accurate actors. These people are living in desperate circumstances, they are being abused, and the only person they cling to is the current authority figure - logically, this is Lady Maria, as otherwise they would have named someone.

Like, this isn't the place to discuss in-depth the psychology of research subjects vs experimenters but we all know that subjects trust the experiment leader to take care or at least not abuse them. If you want to learn more about this look up Milgram's Experiments on Authority. Anyways, the fact that we see such a contrast between what desperate people need/crave and what they're not getting - someone is failing them. Lady Maria is failing them. And lo and behold, you find her dead in the Clocktower having committed suicide.

So I'm gonna be very unpopular in saying this that I don't feel much sympathy for Maria's own state other than yeah what a crying shame. I know society unjustly villainizes the mentally ill and those who commit suicide, but people don't always commit suicide cause they've been overwhelmed by mental illness. Sometimes, it's to escape a failure or consequences. And Maria I believe, is of that latter example. How fitting, that the Living Failures are placed right before Maria's bossfight. How fitting that they're dead and rise up, just like how Maria we find dead but actually not really. She failed the people of the Research Hall, she failed to help humanity advance to the next stage, which is the goal of all the researchers in the game (and they all failed). She failed to save them.

And apparently, it's not enough that she failed them, but she doesn't even help them while they're alive? The level of squalor we see the patients in the Hall is abhorrent. That's not something that happens in a week or a day. Saint Adeline is largely lucid (before giving her brain fluid) and speaks as though Maria is still alive. The implication is that's what the Hall looked like right around the time she died. She failed them, failed to protect them, and then disrespected them in their last days, after death. Maybe the Hall didn't start out this way, maybe the more demoralized she because with her research, the less she cared, who knows. She still got new patients, and kept doing the atrocities. She placed her research - and her curiosity over everyone else in that Hall. She betrays her principles for it. And what does she have to show for it? She runs away again.

She runs away from the Hunt when she realizes she done wrong (hates the Hunt, but hey could she have done something then?), but instead joins the Research Hall - apparently still enslaved to her curiosity, maybe justifying it with saving people. Clearly that was an excuse cause look at the Hall. (I mean, what kind of person claims atrocity at the Fishing Hamlet then runs to lead a Human Experimentation lab?) She couldn't face her own actions, who she has become as a person, who she is as a person, she ran from it. And by the end of her tenure at the Hall, she realized she could no longer run away from her flaws, her atrocities. What does she do? Does she change course? No, she kills herself.

"Evolution without courage will be the ruin of our race" is a statement found in the game. Evolution, likely referring to ascension. In the Japanese version, it's written as "Pathetic evolution" or something to that extent. Maria is emblematic of that statement. She is a coward. That's why she was only able to produce the living failures. Whereas Fauxsefka had that courage and produced the Celestial Emissary and the minions, Maria never did. Her suicide is emblematic of that, the cherry on top on a long list of personal and professional failures. So so pathetic.

[northwest-cryptid]

I will openly admit that to this day my biggest disappointment in indie vtubers and being an indie vtuber was that vtuber teams were not nearly as cool as they could have been because no one knew what made a team good in the first place.

If you don't know, a Vtuber team is essentially a small collective of streamers (roughly 3 - 5) who would work as a sort of "team" or group. They'd collab and promote one another and often had their own discord servers or ways to keep in touch with the various different members.

Now, lets say you're a sane everyday person, who is actually friends with your fellow team members. You wouldn't say; go around bad mouthing them for clout, backstabbing them and trying to assimilate their audience into your own after they prove to be more successful. You likely wouldn't plan "mandatory" meetings and then get mad at them when they refuse to show up because they've not had a day off from their actual paying job in over 5 months and they're literally so sick they can't get up the stairs to their computer and would rather spend their time with their significant other. You certainly wouldn't tell them they should voice their concerns about a big group change to everyone and then immediately double back on what you said when the rest of the group decides to ostracize them for having a bad opinion even though you just told them their thoughts are more in line with the goal of the team.

Right?

If you can't tell, as someone who has been in a handful of teams I've become somewhat jaded by them. They're a great model for actually promoting one another, having constant collabs so you don't need to constantly stream alone, and generally having some kind of group atmosphere which helps raise popularity since I can promote you even when you're not streaming, and you can promote me when I'm not streaming. However this doesn't work in reality because too many people are too focused on their own personal ambitions and are far too willing to jump into the fire of drama and throwing-each-other-under-the-bus bullshittery.

If it wasn't extremely clear, everything I mentioned above is shit that ACTUALLY has happened to me. I've never in my life had to say, verbally, aloud; in a call with other adults "I am going to hang up, because I am sick; I have not had a day off in months, and you call me here to yell at me over shit that doesn't even matter. Grow up, and learn that you do not hold power over others; if you want to make mandatory meetings, control my voice and my content, and tell me what I can and cannot do; you can pay me. I will leave my paypal in the general chat." Until I was in a team.

So what goes wrong? It can't just be that people get a taste of being popular and suddenly throw it all away, right?

... I mean. Yea. It sorta can be.

I'm not going to say this is exclusively what always happens all the time, but I will say it was what I saw happen the MAJORITY of the time. Essentially, it becomes fandom bullshit levels of cliche-y real quick.

You will inevitably have some members of the team who are more popular than others, and some who are by proxy less popular. Some might be better at holding a more dedicated and consistent audience while others, despite having more numbers on twitter; can't actually get numbers on their streams.

If you've made it this far, buckle up because I'm going all in here.

To properly explain this whole ordeal I'm going to walk you, yes you; through what it might be like to be part of a Twitter Indie Vtuber Team and you will see exactly why it never worked.

So if we're going to join a Vtuber team we need to be a Vtuber, the fun part here is that it literally doesn't matter who or what you are. You might be someone who cares deeply about lore, plot, and character; you might be more like me and not really think that matters so much as putting on a show for your audience. You might be somewhere in the middle. Maybe you're a sci fi character, maybe you're high fantasy, maybe you're some really generic anime character; guess what? None of that matters because Twitter Indie Vtubers teams fail to understand one huge guiding principle behind Vtuber teams, Classification.

See, I think the biggest issue I saw in the way Twitter's Indie vtuber teams (god that's getting exhausting to type, is it getting exhausting to read yet) ran things, was that they HATED Corporate Vtubers. Like, they HATED them. You couldn't bring up any of them, it doesn't matter how humble or how popular or whatever. Mention Vshojo? You're the devil. Mention Hololive? You're worse than the devil.

So what's so bad about that?

Let me put it like this, what do Vshojo and Hololive have in common that the majority of Indie Vtubers on Twitter do not?

They're successful at earning a living by streaming. Simple as that, they're doing something right. What are they doing right exactly? Well I'd love to find out but I can't discuss it with anyone because if I bring up corporate vtubers it's seen as a horrible very bad no good thing to talk about. We HATE Corporate Vtubers here and if you talk about them at all you're out buster, that's that.

But wait, going back to what I was saying about Classification, why is that important? Well simply put it makes things easier to understand for the audience. It keeps things coherent and it all just makes sense.

Here's a quick example, let's look at some Vtubers and you tell me if you think you know which ones are in a team together;

One of the Vtubers is a Lion. One of the Vtubers is a Crow. One of the Vtubers is an Isekai Protagonist (Generic, no definition) One of the Vtubers is a Harem Anime Protagonist (again, generic) One of the Vtubers is a Demon. One of the Vtubers is an Angel. One of the Vtubers is a Robot. One of the Vtubers is a Starship Captain. Lastly, one of the Vtubers is a Bear.

Now if you look at these Vtubers, and you had to group them into teams; how would you do it?

Logically you might group the Isekai and Harem protagonists together, they could have a Vtuber group for generic anime protagonists and they could actually make a joke out of putting a spin on their respective tropes.

Then you could pair off the Demon and Angel, the Robot and the Captain since they're both sci fi, and lastly you could group the Lion, Crow, and Bear since they're all animals right?

Well to put it super bluntly and not try to dox myself with how much I've said in this already, none of those examples were made up. All of those are actual Vtubers I've met during my time on twitter. Fun fact: they were all in the same team. Yes, all of them. Then they split off into smaller teams because they learned the team was too big and the audience split too thin.

But why does that Classification actually matter? Well it matters for the same reason being a Vtuber in the first place matters.

You see, if you're going to be a Vtuber you need to ask yourself why you're wanting to be a Vtuber over any other type of streamer.

Seriously, give that a thought for a second.

For me it was pretty simple, it started with not wanting to put my face out there. I got generally tired of how many people would comment on how I was dressed or how my hair was that day, or the fact I have a big nose; or just... whatever they felt like saying about ME that day. I'd play a ton of games I wanted to show people, things I actually enjoyed and wanted to bring to others. Yet no one cared about what I was streaming, they were all too caught up on how I look, and how do I look? Well, extremely everyday normal person-looking.

No seriously. I am not really someone who's like, "cool" or "handsome" or whatever. I don't look striking in any noticeable way. This isn't some fishing for compliments attempt either I'm being real, there's nothing about me on a GOOD day that says "I'm worth looking at" and yet people would always comment on SOMETHING and it normally wasn't about me looking good.

However if you turn off your webcam you DO get less engagement. This is just a sort of proven thing, so you need SOMETHING to represent yourself right? For me that was an easy fix, I could use a Vtuber avatar and in doing so I figured maybe I could rep some of my Native culture while I'm at it.

Later down the line I met some cool people who were more character focused, they enjoy the idea of playing a character and ultimately growing and changing that character as they streamed. It was something I felt forced into by the Twitter community at large so I always tried to come up with SOMETHING for the character, but everything felt forced (because it was) and bad (because it was) so I would often quickly drop any characterization before it even hit the stream.

Okay so let's say you personally have the ambition of playing a character, you want something closer to Hololive or Holostars, where your character comes from a place, has an occupation; a goal, a reason for streaming beyond just "I stream because I want to make money as a streamer for whatever reason." Alright cool let's see where that goes right?

Now remember, as Twitter Indie Vtubers we HATE Corporations and we will not be looking at how Hololive does this right at all. Instead we will constantly remind people about our character without ever really doing anything with it.

Yes. This is how it was done.

Say you meet someone who was an Angel. Maybe they were an Angel who was kicked out of heaven because lol they play too many video games XD (please excuse my cringe I'm doing my best to emulate shit I actually ran into here). So okay cool I'm not going to say that's NOT a valid character I guess. Alright so they're streaming because they like playing video games, what does being an Angel have to do with anything exactly? Well they'll tell you their entire lore dump of a backstory, they'll remind you they're an Angel, and they'll likely have some kind of definition of the difference between them as an Angel who got kicked out of heaven and fallen angels who... you know, basically the same thing BUT IT'S NOT.

You might ask again, what does this have to do with ANYTHING. Why does it matter? Why does them having a backstory, having this persona; why does it matter? What are they doing with it? Is it worth all the investment in a backstory and lore; or would it simply be enough to just explain "yea I'm an Angel and that's why I look like this" or whatever?

And Again they'll remind you of their backstory, they'll explain all their lore; and you'll find that this literally DOESN'T MATTER.

But then all the big corporate vtubers have backstories and lore, so we should too right?

Well... about that.

Can we, and now listen; I know... we HATE corpo vtubers here... but can we take just a second to look at WHY they have those backstories and lore and such?

Okay so here's the thing, if we look at the Hololive English branches we can see some specific things, first off Classification is a big one.

HoloMYTH? Grim Reaper, Phoenix, Cthulhu; etc (I'm not going to explain how a Shark or literally just Watson who is somehow a time traveler fit in here ask COVER man.)

HoloCOUNCIL? Warden of Time, Basically Mother Nature, The Embodiment of Chaos; again we have characters who are the COUNCIL of things like Space, Time, Civilization, Nature, Chaos; etc.

Council would later become PROMISE but I digress.

Now I'm not honestly too sure about Advent? But that's mostly because I haven't really looked into them much admittedly they're very hit or miss with me personally, but I got nothing against them and wish them the best.

What I'm saying here is, Classification matters! Everything from theme to color schemes and names comes into play. The one in charge of Nature? Ceres (a planet) Fauna (...yea I don't need to explain how that one ties in). The Warden of Time? Literally named Kronii (obviously meant to be similar to the word Chronos and such).

A lot of this is pretty self explanatory but my point here is everyone is designed to fit together like a D&D party. Everyone feels like they belong in the team. It's not just a random Cyborg, an Angel, some random Bear, and an Isekai Protagonist all bumming out in a discord call going "oh man I have no idea what to do today so we're just chatting lol"

So if you're an Indie Vtuber who understands Classification you're likely going to look for other people who fit your general theme and identity. But this can be difficult because of either one of two reasons.

One being that no one seems to fit your general classification. If you're too unique or too specific to a setting, time period, or general genre it can be hard to find others who fit into that with any level of similarity.

The other being that TOO MANY people seem to fit your classification EXACTLY. If you're a random God of such and such, and you find other god Vtubers, you likely find other people who are literally the same thing you are. Same goes for Angels, Demons, Anything Anime, Most forms of Object Heads or Robots or Cyborgs.

The biggest problem I see with the second is that no one wants to be anything short of "the best" at what they are. You're not just an assassin, you're the best assassin to ever live; well shit now you can't be in the same team as the OTHER best assassin to ever live.

But what if you were?

See this is where I think Indie Vtubers don't have the ability to laugh at themselves nearly as much as they should.

Because I personally think it would be really funny to have two people in a vtuber team who are the same thing, but from different backgrounds. Give us Spy x Family but as a Vtuber Team and I think it would be fucking hilarious.

No seriously, imagine for a moment that there was a 5 person vtuber team, 2 of the members of the team were from different backgrounds, they could be anything; for the sake of generic bullshit let's say one is like the top Angel from heaven, the other is the top Demon from hell. Except they both seek to keep this information secret, "only their chat knows" except the other 3 people in the team are VERY much aware, for literally ANY reason it doesn't matter how they know, it just matters that these two are such stupid idiots that they're constantly showing their hand in such specific ways that the other wouldn't see.

If you have the improv skills necessary, and the ability to laugh at yourself; you suddenly have a very VERY potentially funny team on your hands.

Imagine them playing Phasmophobia, one of them (doesn't matter who) points out the ghost must be a demon, they know all this information about demons, clearly this is a demon; they wouldn't be wrong about this. The other, also knowing this information (either because they're well researched on demons, or because they ARE one) is suspicious of how they know all this and doesn't know how to call them out so they try to one up them by providing MORE information in an attempt to see how much they ACTUALLY know, only now the first person is starting to question how THEY know so much. Meanwhile everyone else in the collab is dying and neither of them acknowledge this until it's brought up as a last ditch effort out by one of the two when asked a particularly difficult to answer question and they just respond with "OH SHIT THEY'RE DYING!" Before running off to save their team members. THAT'S GOOD BANTER BAY-BEE!

But see, this requires classification, an understanding of everyone's characters; and enough similarity to play off each other's characters.

So what about if you can't find anyone? You join into a random Vtuber Team and hope for the best.

Alright so you join into a group with 4 other people, so far things seem fine, everyone is nice enough; you likely sit in a discord call and talk about life; become closer friends, discuss what kind of games you like to play. You know, general normal people stuff.

Then a few days later you get a message about doing a collab, you don't have many viewers at this point; maybe 4 - 5 regulars who show up and actively chat. Good people, you are excited to sort of introduce your audience to your new team, and get to meet their audience. You might even be a little stressed because you only have about 100 followers on twitter and they have well over 1,000 so you expect a much bigger turnout on their end.

The stream collab starts, you notice there's maybe 3 people watching them, you are one; they are another. Which means they only really have 1 viewer. You tell yourself this is because the stream just started.

Then a half hour goes by, the only viewers showing up in their chat are from your team. Mutual friends, other streamers you know; they trickle in now and then but you notice neither of you are particularly popular. That big four digit follower count seems to all be just for show. Likely coming from a basis of follow for follow vtubers and the like. Looking at their twitter you notice they don't get much interaction outside of the team there either.

This sort of puts your mind at ease, it feels more comfortable knowing you're not somehow accidentally jumping ahead to having an audience of hundreds to entertain.

That is until you begin to notice a shift in the way you're treated by your team. It's very likely you'll be asked to do more collabs, they'll absolutely swing this as it being a matter of keeping the team together; or because you're fun to be around. However during streams you'll often be put on the back burner, you'll be brought into collabs but never really engaged with. You'll never be raided by your fellow team members. This is because you have a small, but real following.

You'll find that when you're unavailable it's suddenly a big deal, you'll see words like "mandatory" or "regularly scheduled" popping up to make it seem like you SHOULD be there, it's part of being in a team. You'll be told to "act professional" if you have a disagreement with someone, whether this is over something like gender, sexuality, or even other basic respect issues. You'll be asked to stream with people you don't like.

When it comes down to it, if you show opposition; you'll be told that the majority of the team disagrees with you, but they won't want you gone. They won't oust you from the team, because they know your audience will still most likely follow you out. They don't want that.

So they'll keep you around as long as possible, until you make too much noise; or say something they don't agree with a little too loudly. Once they believe they've done enough collabs, and gotten enough of your followers to follow them; they'll kick you aside and find someone else to do this to.

They will even turn on each other; I've gotten messages from people, months and even sometimes years after leaving a team. These messages all say similar things; they always start with an apology; and then go into talking about how they were either too naive, too scared, or just too confused to understand the manipulation and crowd mentality they were being indoctrinated to.

The key reason behind all of this is because you are never actually a valued friend, you're an additional audience member; you're a viewer, who has more viewers to bring to the table.

But clearly that was just a bad team, they're not all like that; that's true; that's genuine. So you go back to the drawing board and put it out there that you're in the market for another team, probably a bit more picky this time than you were last time to be fair. I couldn't blame anyone for being such after going through something like that.

You'll find another small group of people who don't know each other, who don't have anything in common other than a want to be successful; and likely who are willing to throw the weakest link under the bus to replace them with a fresh set of eyes and a new audience to grow their follower count.

But what happens if it DOES work out? What about when it's made by friends? What about when the people streaming don't actually hate each other?

Well then you still have to contend with burnout, with setting up times to stream together; with the sheer amount of work it is to work as a singular unit rather than as a "stream whenever you want" solo vtuber.

This can be difficult for some people. I remember having times when we'd plan group collabs and then my chronic pain would act up and I couldn't make it. Some would make it out to be a big deal, others would be understanding; either way it was a bit of a let down. Then you'd have the issue of not just everyone having the same games but the same interest in playing them at the same time. Then you'd have issues with if someone is getting more popular, or if there's a difference in ideas for how the group should be handling things.

At what point is it a team and not just a group of friends?

So alright, what do I think? Personally?

I think if you want to have a success vtuber team you should find some method of Classification; even if it's really weird and out there. Give us something to unify you all to the same group. Then you should decide on whether or not as a whole you're a character driven group or a streamer driven group:

Character Driven = investing in the characterization of your avatars, the in character interactions they may have; the "story" or "plot" that exists around them being a key feature of the streams.

Streamer Driven = investing in the streamer behind the characters, the connections of the individuals, their audiences; and the games they play.

Think Hololive vs Jerma.

Jerma doesn't have an anime he uses to explain his more characteristic properties of himself, because he doesn't really need that in order to come out on a stream and go "hey guys it's me, Jerma; the funny white dude on the internet." He can just do that and you already kinda get it because he's invested a lot in you knowing who JERMA is.

Meanwhile every Hololive stream opens with a catch phrase or a sort of characterized opening. Some more elaborate than others; and some even going so far as to call out their generation/team. They DO have an anime, and various other productions that run alongside the streams that serve to amplify them as characters, and even their inside jokes and developments within streams will loop back around to becoming elements of their anime counterparts.

So, once you've figured that out it's not really too difficult.

As long as you're willing to grow as a unit and pick each other up when someone gets ahead, without feeling a need to stab each other in the back or throw each other under the bus; you're solid.

If you're character focused, I strongly recommend you focus on your extended universe, explain to me who your characters are not by taking time out of the stream to stare me in the eyes and say "my character is blah blah blah" but by SHOWING ME through bumpers, skits, or other media. Make comics, make short video bumpers and tiktoks or something I don't care. Just don't sit there on stream EXPLAINING shit at me, because trust me I will tune out I do not care it is not an interesting way to convey who and what you are.

If you're character focused I need you to prioritize SHOW don't TELL.

If you're Streamer focused then I think you have it a lot easier, because you can prioritize getting to better know your audience, their preferences for streams/collabs, and you can get to know each other and use the information above to best sort out who should be pairing off for the best experiences for both you as a streamer and your audience as viewers.

I do believe these two things can mix well.

If you want a really solid example of EXACTLY what I mean, look no further than my (streamer focused) interaction with Nea (character focused)

A lot of the time our interactions work just fine because she understands that I am a streamer before I'm a character, and meanwhile I'll comment on her being an Ice Cream Lion before ever bringing up who she is outside of streams (at least while on streams, we're good friends outside of streams and I know her as her obviously). We're not in a team together but we collab plenty and consider each other to be good friends. We do our best to help one another get ahead in very casual ways and don't seek to bring each other down because we don't hold jealousy or envy towards one another's followings.

And yes, it REALLY is that simple to get along.

The core problem with Twitter's Indie Vtuber scene is that drama and bullshit gets attention and they crave attention over long-term proper collaboration and friendship. I don't doubt for a second that if Nea ever hit it big time and became a full time streamer she wouldn't hesitate or shy away from streaming with me and collabing with me all the same and you better believe that I'd be the exact same.

I used to often talk about applying to corporate vtuber agencies and I always said that if I was to ever get accepted I'd fight tooth and nail to be able to collab with my friends in hopes of getting them in front of the audience they deserve to have.

But yea that's it, that's the big keys to successful Vtuber team right there;

Classification helps a TON.

Be good to one another, don't allow yourself to succumb to the jealousy and envy of seeing one of your friends and team members gaining popularity faster than you.

Actually being good friends does help a lot too.

Actively support one another.

[wispforever]

lol naruto 19 and 24

top ask sender is back at it again (carrying my blog on ur back LMAO)

19. You're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

I don't feel angry or ashamed or horrified that I like anything cuz I'm not catholic LOL jk I actually was raised in the church so I'm horrified I like any character with religious affiliation. How's that for an uno reverse?

Characters like Hidan for example are a bit of a doubled edged sword to be obsessed with for me. Getting hyperfixated on characters who have or could have religious trauma sometimes gets a little too close to home. Makes me angry sometimes that I relate to them when they're a character who's concerned with reconciling or being good enough for a god or people serving a god. Makes me feel grossed out, like I should know better, but it's a hard feeling to abandon when it was all I knew for almost 20 years.

Anyway, all things good to those who wait, so next time I get into Hidan or someone else who was horribly mangled by a religious fixture, maybe I'll feel mad but maybe also I'll iron out a little more of that trauma myself :)

24. Topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

In the naruto fandom, FOR ME, it's totally conversations about parents/parenting/parental figures. I am so pissed off how much people brush over the fact that naruto is at least partially or was at some point a narrative about how children are affected when they're given very adult responsibilities. In this case, it's killing and deciding how to keep people from dying. They're literally put in charge of people's lives before they'd even fucking be graduating high school. And there is literally no place these children can go where they can be free of that burden or not hear about how important it is to be ready at all times to defend your nation.

Anyway, I've already written about that ten thousand times, what I'm talking about here is how some people are fucking stupid about it. The level that some motherfuckers are at in the disregarding children's rights olympics which apparently exists on this website is fucking astronomical. Like the average tumblr user's ability to spot emotional or physical abuse and neglect is alright when it's Gaara, whose father tried to kill him repeatedly and then forced the only caretaker Gaara ever knew to kill themself in front of him. We do alright there.

But whenever I want to talk about how Fugaku was a bad dad, suddenly there are people appearing out of the woodwork to make an argument like the ONLY scenes we have with Fugaku aren't him emotionally neglecting and pitting his sons against each other. And imagine how it would go if Fugaku was just a little bit hotter.

You don't understand how livid this makes me. People can like whoever they like. I like Spirit from Soul Eater, THE worst most pathetic horrible bare minimum father who exists. But I say it. I am SICK of people thinking to like a character, they have to be good. You have to defend them or it means something about you. Just fucking say he's a bad father, whatever reasons you like him are your own business, it isn't hurting anyone. DO NOT LIE AND MAKE A GOOD FATHER OF SOMEONE WHO COULDN'T EVEN TELL HIS KINDERGARTEN AGE SON HE WAS PROUD OF HIM.

Fucking purity culture is just making a bunch of us into apologists who don't know how to appreciate complex media, it's not actually doing whatever the fuck they want it to do (make people like bad people less?? idfkkk) ANYWAY everyone needs to stop saying Fugaku is a good father and Jiraiya was a good mentor and the 3rd Hokage was good for naruto or they're gonna have to put me on the no fly list.

[cryiling]

what do we think about kpop idol au revalink where revali is from a big 3 company (i feel like he gives sm or yg but idk) and link is from a smaller company, but they get into a dating scandal because of dispatch's stupid dating dump at the end of the year or whatever

revali is appalled to have dating rumors with this little runt from a nugu group (he's lying, link is totally his type), meanwhile link is losing his shit bc it's his idol it's THE revali 🫣

im gonna use this ask as an excuse to talk about idols!link and revali bc I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS

first of all revali is def giving agust d vibes, that fuck capitalism and the government sorta songs, and he definitely writes his own music (he thinks that artists who don't write their own music aren't real artists). no wait like genuinely. have u guys seen the lyrics for all the songs on d-day?? and like the mv for amygdala?? totally breaking kpop industry norms and I can totally see revali doing that, like yes babes talk abt your mental health and traumatic experiences, pop off king !

I bet revali prefers doing hip hop style dances, like you're never gonna catch him doing those rlly simple trendy dances. nah he out here doing flips and bboying and stuff 😭 hmm like think back down or halazia level dances (bye not me finding a way to bring halazia into any conversation SJDHSJF)

also he definitely only sings live, no lip syncing for him. one day he gets sick and loses his voice but he still has a performance that day, and his manager is like PLS just lipsync to the track, literally no one will get mad I promise, and he's like bitch no and just has his fans sing the whole song (he goes viral for this, his fans bragging abt how revali would never stoop to the level of lip syncing while his antis are calling him lazy for having his fans do all the singing, then revali's fans clap back at those ppl and pull up the receipts of all the times their faves lip synced)

ok we need stage name and fandom for revali. hm tbh I feel like he would just keep his name as his stage name, like he probably thinks the idea of stage names is cringy 💀 help I need fandom name ideas. like, vale or something BYE. his company probably came up with a whole list of possible fandom names and he said no to all of them, atp his manager just picked one for him 😭

u mentioned revali is from a big 3 company, hmm yeah I'm getting sm vibes from him. how long do u think he trained for? probably a couple years, like 6? so he's very insistent that all his accomplishments are from his hard work

OK let's talk abt link! idk many small companies but ummm let's say like, gf or something (they have kingdom, slay!). do u guys know that one idol from loona I think? and she was a trainee for only one day? yeah that's link 😭 he auditioned for the company and they're like you're great! debut asap pls

link is just here to have a good time honestly, like he's going live at 3am to do drunk karaoke like jungkook fr 😭 he really has a passion for singing and performing, and at the end of the day he's just doing this for funsies, he doesn't let the stress get to his head too much, which, king behavior honestly

ik u said he's from a nugu group but honestly I'm seriously loving the soloist vibe from him, like if he was in a group he'd probably end up as the wonyoung of the group bc he just has that main character energy 😭

I can see link doing more upbeat/poppy songs, but he does the occasional ballad + contemporary dance combo that his fans go FERAL for. or,, omg. imagine him doing criminal by taeyang... 😊

his stage name.. L!NK bc he's quirky and not like other girls 😧 I bet his song titles are either in all caps or all lowercase too, he insists "it's for the aesthetic 🥺"

hm what sort of situation are they in where dispatch makes a dating scandal for them? OUHH MAYBE theyre both mcs for a music show (ignore that it's usually one guy and one girl) and they do one of those performances together and ppl are like 🤨⁉️ like imagine them doing the iconic dolphin dance together ✋ fans go CRAYZEEE the fancams hit like 20m views because their chemistry together really shines, even with such a simple song

their companies see how good they are for each other's publicities, so they really push for more of their schedules to be together.. which ofc comes at the cost of the dating scandal. they're hanging out together at some cafe idk, their managers told them to go hang out in the hopes that they would get some more publicity. what they WEREN'T expecting is for dispatch to declare that they're dating??? (that's a lie, link's manager (zelda) definitely knew smth like that would happen and she's the biggest revalink supporter 🤞)

when revali hears about this, he has a freaking meltdown to his manager teba, like 😭 lying facedown on the couch screaming into a pillow, "they think we're DATING?$:$;&2!;@/@ they really think a senior idol would go out with a rookie!!???!: SHUT UP TEBA HE IS NOT MY TYPE-"

meanwhile link has the BIGGEST celebrity crush on revali, like you know how jungkook is with namjoon? yeah 😭 so when the dating scandal comes out, link is just so flattered that people would think that he's worthy to be with revali- he's going around to anyone who will listen and is like "people think I'm with revali 😦🥰🥰" zelda is like girl calm down you're not actually together

[havendance]

Live Fast, Die Young

AO3

Fandom: Batman

Featured Characters: Claire Clover (Gotham Girl), Cassandra Cain

Wordcount: 789

I was rereading Batgirl (1999) vol. 1 and started thinking about the parallels between these too Anyway, I'm still on vacation so you get some quick, barely edited fic. Takes place in rebirth only Cass is still Batgirl for reasons.

I'm trying to work my way up to writing more of Cass, so thoughts on her in this are appreciated.

---

The cave was dark, but not empty. Claire could hear something, she thought she could at least. Maybe it was just a feeling. If she wanted, she could know for sure: burn a little power and she could hear the slightest sound. How much of her life would that take? A minute? Five? Batman— no Bruce, he wanted her to call him Bruce— he didn’t want her using her powers any more than hse had to. But. How much would it really do?

No. She shouldn’t. Claire called out instead. “Hello? Is anyone there?”

A piece of the shadows melted off and converged into a figure dressed in black, a bat outlined in bright yellow on her chest and her face completely covered by a black mask. She pulled off the mask to reveal a young face with short, dark hair.

“You’re Batgirl,” Claire said.

“Yes.”

“You’re working with Batwoman, aren’t you?” she asked, trying to remember what Batman had told her, back before the fear

“Yes,” Batgirl said again. “Needed something,” she nodded towards the back of the cave, where Batman kept his armory. “Who are you?” 

“Claire, umm, Gotham Girl, I guess. I don’t know.”

Batgirl stepped closer. “I don’t know you,” she said. “You are new?”

Claire nodded. “I was— I was sick for a while, but I am.”

“Better now?”

“Yeah.”

Batgirl was studying her, analyzing her with that same focus that Bruce had. “Can you fight?”

“I can.”

“Want to?” She gestured towards the training ring.

“Umm, Batman’s still teaching me.”

Batgirl smiled. On a different person, it might have been cocky, but on her, it just looked confident, assured. “Scared?”

It was an obvious challenge, but that didn’t make it any less effective. Claire wasn’t scared. Not anymore. What was the point of everything Batman had done for her, of him going up against Bane, if she was still going to be scared. “No,” she said and stepped into the ring.

Batgirl walked in after her and took up a position across from her. She unclipped her belt and removed her gauntlets, and then, in a single languid movement, settled into a ready stance. She gestured with a single hand. Come at me.

Claire wasn’t useless in a fight. She’d trained in various martial arts for years with… with Hank. She wasn’t anywhere near Batman’s level though. Probably not at Batgirl’s either. She wasn’t going to be scared though, so, careful not to let the power out, she darted in and threw a punch

At least, that was what she was supposed to do. Instead, Batgirl moved impossibly quickly. Claire blinked and she was on the ground, Batgirl standing above her.

“I win,” she said

Claire picked herself up. “You’re good.”

Batgirl smirked. “I always win,” she said. And then, “Again?”

“You’d just beat me.”

Batgirl shook her head. “No. You were… holding back. Don’t need to.”

“No,” Claire said. “I kind of have to. I have… this power, but I shouldn’t use it unless I really have to.”

“Lethal?”

Her thoughts went to Hank, gone mad and wrecking the city. “It can be.”

A fist darted out and stopped just before Claire’s throat, too fast for her to even flinch. “So am I,” Batgirl said. She held it there for a second before drawing it back. “You can’t control it?”

“No, I can.” Most of the time. Unless she couldn’t control herself. “It’s less about that, and more what it does to me.”

“It hurts you?”

“Kind of.”

“Meta?”

Claire shrugged. “I don’t know.”

The question was clear on Batgirl’s face.

“It’s kind of a long story.”

Batgirl shrugged and sat down on the map.

Claire sat down across from her. “Me and my brother, we really admired Batman. We wanted to be like him.”

Batgirl nodded. 

“So we trained and learned and tried to help people. And then we met someone and he said he could give us power. Strength, flight, super-senses. We could do anything, could be like superman, and all it would cost was burning some of our own life.” She shrugged. “Maybe it was a stupid deal to make. I mean, we were already helping people. Doing good.”

“Good,” Batgirl said. “Not perfect. You could do more, be better.”

“Yeah. Then would you have done it?” she asked. “If you had the choice?”

“Yes.” No hesitation. “What we do, we can’t fail.”

“No.” They failed and people died. “And I have these powers now. That means I should use them.”

“No holding back.”

“I know, I’m just…” Not scared. Claire wasn’t going to be scared anymore. She shook her head. “Thanks.”

Batgirl stood. “Next time,” she said with a smile. “Fight better.”

Claire returned the smile. “I will.”

[waterfallofspace]

👉👈 Another… Hunting Dog… ask… 🍲,🎤 & ❄️?~

hehe~ as you wish! I've been having fun ^~^ ~From This Ask Game~ Under cut because I'm writing an essay-

~~ Key ~~ 🍲: What do they like to eat while they’re sick? Do they like soup, or would they prefer something that isn’t “sick person food”? Do they lose their appetite when they’re sick, or are they hungrier than usual? 🎤: How does their voice change when they’re sick or allergies are bugging them? Does their voice get lower? Scratchy? Raspy? Can you hear any congestion in their voice or do they hide it well? Do they avoid speaking too much because of a sore throat and coughing, or do they try to talk through those things? ❄️: Would it be more unusual to see this character sick during the winter or during the summer? Do they typically go down during cold and flu season, or do they usually get summer colds?

Fukuchi: 🍲 Basically whatever he eats when he's not sick. Not the type to eat differently, if anything he'd just skip meals if he's not hungry, but generally unless it's bad, it's not an issue. 🎤 If he knows it's noticeable, he'll avoid talking. Generally he gets a mild congested sound that he can't quite hide, and maybe a little scratch to his voice if it's a throat related illness. ❄️ During the summer. He doesn't get sick often, so when he does, it's usually when everyone else is coming down with things all around him, which happens more often in winter.

Tetchou: 🍲 Something ridiculous, I think. Like, he has specific meals that don't make any sense, and drive people (mostly Jouno) absolutely mad. Something like boiled eggs and noodles with some spicy sauce on them both. (to clear his sinuses <3) Appetite levels don't change, just cravings/comfort foods.

🎤 His voice gets deeper and raspier, he's at risk of losing it constantly if he overuses it, mixed with definite stuffiness that's audible in his words, but also in his breathing. Despite this, he doesn't actually talk less, even when he's coughing and in pain. Just powers through, and clears his throat a lot, which only makes it worse, poor thing~

❄️ Bit of a cheaty answer, but neither would be unusual. He gets sick pretty often, so him coming to work with a mild illness is nothing new. Though, it's more common to see him deeply ill in the summer, as he gets fevers from working too hard, and the heat messes him up.

Tachihara: 🍲 Most typical comfort/illness foods, soup, rice, noodles, etc. He's not super picky, and doesn't really care about making himself comfort foods, but he does aim for more simple meals when ill.

🎤 His voice gets lower, and you will know it. He loves talking when it's deeper because he likes the way it sounds, and he's pretty good at hiding his congestion and suppressing coughs, though the wince when he speaks is hard to ignore.

❄️ More unusual to see him sick in winter. Cold and flu season does put him on edge, and he's not immune to it's grasp, but he's usually more on alert, and keeps away from people when he can. However in summer, despite knowing he always gets ill, he lets his guard down. (Plus, the heat is not good for him, especially in his fluffy coat-)

Jouno: 🍲 The type to not eat, like at all. He'll drink tea, but generally his throat hurts too much to eat a lot, and he's just honestly so overwhelmed from being sick that eating feels like a chore. People (his fellow HDs) tend to notice, and try to find soft foods that aren't too flavourful to avoid overstimulating him.

🎤 Raspy, congested, he sounds awful. Though, that won't be what tips you off that he's sick. What will tip you off is that he's completely silent. Partially because of the pain, partially because his own voice starts to overwhelm him, but mostly because he sounds awful and knows it </3

❄️ Again with a slightly cheat answer, but neither is really unusual. He doesn't have a particular season he gets sick, he doesn't actually get sick all that often. At least, not to the degree where it's severely noticeable. However he does tend to pick up illnesses from others, so cold/flu season might be a bit rougher for him.

[besidesitstoowarm]

"Smith and Jones" thoughts

hellooooooooooo my wife!! martha my wife!! hello!!

so there was a bizarre amount of sexual tension this ep. i knew that martha was tryna smash, bc honestly who amogus, but i did not recall that he was encouraging her so much!! freak.

one of the first things established is that martha's family is a wreck and that she seems to take on the emotional responsibility of managing the wreck. this is clearly one of her primary reasons for leaving; the show these days has to establish why a person would drop their entire life for the doctor, and "minimal/absent family" can't work for everyone. martha has a decent sized family, and they're annoying, and she's sick of them. goodbye.

so she's at the hospital working, probably in residency, and the doctor is pretending to be a patient. she already ran into him on the street earlier so she asks "have you got a brother?" and he says "no, not anymore, just me" which, is that true? does that come up? we already get a few harold saxon references this ep, maybe he means brother in the wartime sense. she checks his heartbeat, hears two, he winks. the other doc recommends sending him to psychiatric and he smiles. freak

so they are on the moon. martha accepts this pretty much immediately, which clearly impresses the doctor. she asks about oxygen, about how they got there, but she's not hysterical and she's asking good questions and he clearly really respects that about her. "we might die" he says. "we might not" she counters, and "good" he adds

he tells her he's called the doctor and she says "as far as i'm concerned, you've got to earn that title" and i think martha is interesting in that regard. she has family wealth, so she has advantages that many others don't, but she's also black, which implies she has also had to overcome some obstacles that some of her peers have not. she believes in hard work. iirc they don't get too into her race as an aspect of her character– which is fine, i guess, although i like that it comes up more w bill. martha isn't a strictly "colorblind" character but she's pretty close, and i think it's a bit of a miss. rose's very specific working class single mom background, "chav" backstory, tied a lot into her character, and donna as a temp from chiswick deeply informs hers. iirc martha doesn't quite get that for whatever reason. i might be wrong. we'll see

not a lot to say about plot specifics tbh. i like the judoon, they're fun. acab includes the rhinos, obvie. ten kissing martha was pretty hot. i like how he died and she cpr'd him back to life bc she's awesome. the blood-sucking alien attacked a guy named stoker, kinda funny. they explode her and go back to earth and martha ditches her brother's birthday bc her dad brought his mistress and everyone is mad. ten insists he's not trying to make her a new companion and only wants to offer her one trip but bitch we all know how that goes

so i like it! it's a great intro to martha as a character and she and ten have some good chemistry, they're really on the same level. next ep is one of my faves of the season so let's go!

[the-firebird69]

And we have several things happening here people are triangles such as odd things it's a little bit weird this place but it's slow because it's just the leaders of the morlock that's not even the pseudo Empire mostly at all I think they have two people and it's misery and they look weak and they probably have a plan for that yeah. It's coming up pretty soon it will be what they call moments we are going to go ahead and talk to them about there attitude is wrong and we do need our son and to have money and daughters characters and they're so stingy and cheap and such a freaking losers and they're going to lose their cities and it's going to be a big fight and it's starting already with Trump and he is losing to bja and is losing to the back proper and it's going to be more horrible very soon and it is starting to affect others and of course it's very painful it leads us to another point that's been going on.

---there is an evacuation and it is huge and it is getting bigger. We said that the miscellaneous mack more likely evacuating and they are and they are taking off and it's probably about 40% of this particular group and they want out and right now they have places and they do okay this little fights but mostly they have jobs because they know how to do stuff.. it is a different type of thing to have that many legal at once all over the world and they're talking about it and they're saying that none of these people want to surround and they're afraid and the answer they discriminate a lot our son and daughter say. They're worried that he'll be left here there's people who are extremely racist and it's a cities are nuts it's a worry and a concern we have to but he says he looks normal and he will for probably a year and just be a little bigger 6'2 and kind of chubby and bulky that's true this is diet and he says that Hera can help him eat his Filipino diet and maybe with a little bit of noodle type thing and she says that's a good idea and it was giving him some nutrients he needed that's kind of a tricks some pork and it's pretty good Adobu she made a couple types and it was very good he liked it he ate a lot of it and she got mad cuz he just kept eating and eating just getting fat and she goes oh I'm helping he says you know about it and you look that way and see that man said you're not supposed to know I don't know yet so okay and they did the deal and I'll tell you what they're pretty good at it and it's mental as hell here and I don't mind it. It's a good idea but yeah he's going to look kind of normal regular folk end up being around 6 ft cuz they try and grow all the time and if you annoyed but not massively so we're getting ready for that and we know what to do he'll come in as fairly strong but there's another thing to talk about.

---my son is irradiating himself kind of and we're doing it too on purpose is because of his mutant level and abilities. We don't want to say that level because it's not appropriate. Huge numbers of people don't understand what's wrong he's not sick doesn't feel it they show up at the bus and he says why don't you use it on yourself so you need it and it's probably what you should be doing and they said that's a great idea so she's gone going to and she's not really stupid. Others really have to and she's afraid of what they'll say so she has test kits and you can get the results right away and she'll just hand him the results and say I hope these are accurate and he'll go test it cuz he's a loser he's going to become a b**** and everyone hate him for it but how it works now we've got other things as well so far today he's been in two waves this morning age about 2.1 rad for about 5 or 10 minutes and he's been out there for 30 minutes in about 1.7. and that's enough to start releasing a lot of it and is inside at 1.5 rent rad and that is enough to clear it out so worse it's going to hit again at 11:30 hopefully when he gets there it is outside and there's no reason for him to stand around but he gets exposed pretty quick but really he could look around outside I guess have some kind of trike there people plan to put his outside and he could give a s***. And then that's because he says that and she does too about hers he's going to touch it. It's a couple of the things we want to make a note of is trying to charge the phone it's very slow going but yes enough to go out with a trip. Those exposures and coming down and right now it's kind of clearing it a little they're going to assist what's going on and it should bring him down to like 57.5 it's going to be lower tonight than what we thought we think that. The exposure of these guys are going through is very high the five medium broiling and steaming and they're going to release a big cloud that cloud is coming this way so far it's dropped for getting here. But when it starts opening up it's going to be huge people say 3.5 rad and he says it's not too bad and it's not and it's only for like 20 minutes or less but it's going to fry everybody except for real mutants and he's one and it's going to work that's coming up pretty soon the crabs are out there and it's the second out of four but we think that they won't wait and some big ones are up and trying to move a little they turned around it's about 50 60 mile ones no not that big it's about 301 MI and yeah they'll attract attention it's a first wave it's meant to be bigger it's an army the single one of the coast is going to be a nightmare they're starting to man afford and get gear the suit of empires using it and we are too A lot of people are we are getting a giant Cruise out others are too and they're going to feed them we're moving on it now

---yeah along with that we have several other things to announce in a moment

Thor Freya

Olympus

Don't leave Ken hanging for crying out loud yeah okay so seriously this trike is helping me I don't want you riding it he says I'm not going to but I might tool around on it in a parking lot I started laughing and I said where and it was probably won't be able to no it's going to be in storage I think and that's what I say

Hera

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

@zepskies

Oooh I can't wait to see what you think about this one! 💗

I love CCR too and I don't know why, but Russell has CCR vibes for me whenever I look at him so I feel that the CCR will be a theme for him lol 😂

Ughhhh we've all seen this type, even as non-parents lmao. Miss SUPER INVOLVED and therefore gets off at telling other parents what to do. It's kind of sick in the head. 🙃

Oh yes. The one that finds joy in putting other mothers in their place- the "Regina George" lol. I also watched A Bad Moms Christmas the other day and I may have been imagining Christina Applegate's character 😅 It's such a good Christmas movie though lol.

Ha! You paint a very vivid picture here -- and I knew entire packs of girls like this growing up. They were blonde and skinny and "perfect" to boys, while any girls who didn't look like them automatically weren't as cool or pretty or whatever. I already like where this intro is going, even as I'm super curious as to how Russell is going to fit into all of this...

Thank you! I know it's a bit of a stereotype, but... we all knew those girls 😒 Russell is going to be a bit of a shock to her world lol.

God, I already feel for her. She already feels so real as a character, and even though I'm not a parent, I can certainly relate on the body insecurity thing. (And I already want to kill her ex-husband, not just for cheating and leaving her, but for the psychological/emotional scars involved in any comments he made on her body.)

I also relate to her on the body insecurity level. I've only written one other reader who had body insecurity in my You Call It Madness But I Call It Love series with Soldier Boy, but I thought that it would be something fun to explore with Russell. He seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't care about things like that, and really would see the reader as some beautiful "goddess" and think that he's the luckiest man in the world for getting her. I also think that he too would want to "kill her ex-husband" (lol) for leaving those kind of scars behind. I know it was supposed to be a one-shot, but I'm literally thinking about all the ways that Russell can make her forget what her husband said/did to her and to make the reader feel beautiful again. 🥰

Plus I also may have been inspired to write another reader who is insecure about her body by your wonderful Midnight Espresso series! 🤭

OMFGGGGG and I thought I was the only one who watched The Meg!! 🤣🤣🤣 I feel like if you love Jurassic Park, you're gonna like The Meg. 😆

I LOVE THE MEG! And you know how much I love Jurassic Park LOL. No really all shark/monster/creature features are my favorite to watch- also kinda my comfort movies lol 😅😂 (Alien, Deep Blue Sea, Jaws, The Mummy, Tremors, Predator, etc.) I even like the ones that are just so over the top ridiculous with terrible acting.

God, I love him. 😂 Already he's spot on for me, friend. 👌🏽 And Colter's response too -- had me smiling hard. Love a long-suffering Colter lmao.

Thank you! I've never written for Russell before, so I was kinda nervous about this one. He's kinda like Dean, but a little more awkward, and a little like Ben, but without the toxic masculinity comments lol. Maybe 50/50? Colter is really hanging on by a thread lol.

Ok, this might be a small detail to focus on, but I freakin' love wine and fancy cheese I can't afford (but buy anyway). 🤣 I don't do it often, but especially around New Year's I like to make a charcuterie board and get some nice wine.~

No it's okay! That sounds so fun! Fancy cheese and wine is NEVER too expensive- Treat👏🏻 Yo👏🏻 Self👏🏻. I can't make a charcuterie board to save my life 😭, but one of my friends is a master of charcuterie board creation and she is always automatically elected to make the charcuterie boards for parties. She gets no say in the matter lol 🤣

Also, I love how in-character flirty joking Russell is while he has LITERAL bullet wounds in his body. But also how the reader is getting kinda flustered with him already, trying and failing not to notice his attractiveness, but also that this guy has been through some shit (hence his scars, ruggedness, etc.).

Oh I know, man is trying to shoot his shot WHILE HE IS SHOT 🤣 The reader is trying her hardest, but Russell is just so distracting... Kinda seems like this reader could use a lot of distracting from Russell if you know what I mean 😉😮‍💨😏

Lmfaooo. I don't blame her honestly. Russell is most definitely not playing fair! 😝😝

He's not lol and he knows EXACTLY what he's doing 🤭

YUP. Got 'im! That's Russell in a nutshell. 🫠🫠🫠

Again thinking about the the big worn/rough hand from manual labor and hard work from an actual man and not a boy pretending to be a man.

I'm living for these little details of background color lmaoo.

Thank you 😊 I wanted to try and make it as realistic as I could!

Oh God, as if I couldn't love this any more. I feel like Russell would appreciate a curvy girl. Maybe that sounds self-serving since I'm a curvy girl myself loll, but idk, he just seems a lot like Dean, and I don't think they'd discriminate. 🫠

Again YES A MILLION TIMES YES 😍 I believe that Russell would appreciate a curvy girl- it is NOT self serving because I am also a curvy girl lol (or maybe it is because I wrote this fic lol). But I don't think that Dean or Russell would care about things like that, if anything I think that they'd want to show their significant other what they see and how beautiful their significant other really is. Again thank you so much for your work on Midnight Espresso 🫡🫡

God, can he just STFU and LEAVE already?? I love that Russell had to come out and back her up -- better yet that he punched out that prick! I'm sure he could've laid him out so well the hospital wouldn't know how to put him back together again.

Apparently I have a penchant for writing trash men who disrespect women...😬 But IF ANYONE deserved to have the stuffing slapped out of them it was Lance. Humpty Dumpty would never have been able to be put back together if Russell REALLY went in on him, GUARANTEED. Also I really just love the trope of protective male characters watching out for their girl. 🥰

Omggg YESS I would LOVE to see more of this. It feels like the start of something really interesting and fun, and I would so love to read more. You did so well with Russell's interesting dichotomy of kind and funny and flirty, but also with an underlying edge of danger. I also love the single mom reader in this, and I don't think she's "too much of an OC." I think it just makes her all the more interesting, and it's fun to imagine myself in her shoes. She's strong, but vulnerable with relatable insecurities, and Russell seems like exactly the kind of man she needs in her life, despite the instability of his lifestyle. Maybe she can be the one to help anchor him. 😏💕💕

Oh my goodness thank you so much my lovely friend!!! 😭😊 Writing for Russell was intimidating, but I'm very happy with how this fic turned out, so much so that I am going to write a part 2! As soon as I get through some more of my WIPs... The list keeps growing 😅

I was really worried about her being a bit too OC, but thank you so much for saying that! I do think that the little quirks make her more believable and a little more "real." And yes! You're right on the money! Russell is exactly the kind of man she needs in her life to get her groove back and give her a little more confidence. And who knows? Maybe you're right, maybe she will be exactly who Russell needs as well to keep him anchored and grounded to one place. 😉😏

Pairing: Russell Shaw xf!reader, Reader POV

Summary:  The last thing that you wanted was to be woken up in the middle of the night by Colter Shaw for a favor, but when he shows up toting a ruggedly handsome man with green eyes you decide to forgive him. Reader is the niece of Velma and Teddi!

Word Count: 10.3K

Warnings: I'm gonna label this one 18+ just in case I missed anything. Blood, Cleaning Out A Wound, Mentions of Allergies? Gunshots, Some Cursing, A Bit of Sexual Innuendo, Sexual fantasy/reader has active imagination, Self-deprecating Thoughts/Body Issues (reader), Mentions of Infidelity, Reader Is A Single Mom, Appearance Of Creepy-Jerk Ex Husband, Probably a Poor Description Of What It’s Like To Be A Single Mom (I tried my best, please I do not mean to offend anyone❤️), Russell Shaw might be a little bit OOC. Reader is occasionally described as "curvy."

Song Inspiration: Long As I Can See The Light By Creedence Clearwater Revival

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n if any. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite! This is my first time writing for Russell Shaw, so, please be gentle. 😅

Internal monologue is in italics and is in first person.

Main Masterlist

A/N: I finally watched Tracker… Could you tell? 😂

Sunday nights, in your opinion, were the worst.

It was like the last few moments of freedom before you were thrust into a busy work week, like the last few rays of light before the coming darkness that you barely survived with copious amounts of coffee and bloodied fingertips. Monday always loomed, but never as much as on Sunday nights.

The dull thud of your phone vibrating against your wooden bedside table grates on your ears and pulls you from the sweet precipice of sleep before you can fall into the void.

It felt as if you’d just collapsed into your bed and one look at the alarm clock on your bedside table as you blinked your bleary eyes confirmed it. It was 3:58 am, which meant you had been in bed for exactly three minutes.

You were still covered in chocolate cupcake batter, pink frosting, and rainbow sprinkles from the last six hours you'd spent in the kitchen making gluten free, sugar free, and peanut free cupcakes for a bake sale at your son’s school.

Even though you hadn't volunteered Stephanie Jacobson, or rather the wicked witch of the PTA, had cornered you in the pick-up line on Friday afternoon to remind you of your "duties as a parent" and the coming bake sale to support the building of the new gym. And then she’d handed you a list of student allergies and asked you to create something that was safe for everyone.

Taste be damned.

Why the school needed a new gym you didn't know, but the guilt that rose when Stephanie mentioned your "duties as a parent" was enough to make you say yes to whatever she asked you.

You had enough guilt already about raising your kids without a stable father figure, and the last thing you needed was guilt from a stuck up bitch in the PTA.

Stephanie reminded you of the girls in high school that used to pick at their food, the ones that knew exactly what to say to make you feel like a freak, the ones who dated the football players and spent their Friday nights wearing cheerleading uniforms and waving pom poms, and the ones who basically made everyone else's life a living hell.

Everything about her screamed superior. The flawless way she curled her perfect platinum blonde hair, the stylish clothes she wore than never seemed to have a wrinkle or a mashed carrot smeared on the pants, the supple breasts that she swore were real, a perfectly toned stomach that never seemed to change despite her having a child two months ago, and the easy way she handled all of her three children with a flourish of her left hand that housed a 6 karat diamond ring from her gorgeous husband that was so attentive, perfect, and rich that it made you feel sick to your stomach.

All of which anyone could read on her mommy blog that she'd dubbed "Little Mistakes Make Perfect Lessons," and the same blog that she'd created an empire from.

Fuck, you hated her.

Mostly because despite everything you tried you never had enough time in the day to look as flawless as she did.

Your hair never seemed to be as bouncy or perfectly styled, you never had time to put makeup on, you always had mashed carrot on your pants or some form of cheerio or baby food, as many times as you tried to carve out time for the gym you never seemed to make it, the small ring you'd once wore on your finger was sitting idle in your jewelry box upstairs where it had been for the past year after your husband of six years told you that he met someone else, and your stomach and your breasts… you didn't want to think about that right now.

You had two kids and you weren't going to pretend that it did nothing to your body, any part of your body. And as many times as you saw all the other mothers around you who were proud of the way they looked, you never had their confidence, especially not after the comments that your ex-husband had made each time the two of you finally had some time to be alone together.

But that wasn't to say you hated being a mom, you loved it, wouldn't change it for the world. It was just sometimes you wished you had a little help, that, and you wished that Mondays didn't exist. 

You groan as you reach for the phone that still vibrates desperately on your bedside table and flip it over to see who's calling before you answer it.

"Colter, why the hell are you calling me at four am?" You half moan, pulling the comforter up over your head as if that'll make Monday go away.

You'd been close to murder several times, first when you found your husband in your bed with his nineteen year-old secretary, second when your local coffee shop was out of espresso and you did your entire shift at the hospital with no coffee, and Colter Shaw waking you up at almost four in the morning was quickly becoming number three.

"Because I didn't want to wake up Emma or Luke. Can you open the door?" He replies, stating the names of your children, sounding slightly out of breath.

"What door?" You groan again, eyes still shut wishing that this was just a bad dream and Colter wasn't calling you because he needed your help… again.

"The front door. Please, I need you to let me in."

"Why are you here? Couldn't it wait until tomorrow? Did you try to call Teddi or Vel-"

"I'll explain when you come open the door."

"By doing that I'd have to get up."

"Please."

You hesitate. Colter didn't usually say please, let alone twice whenever he showed up needing your help.

You'd met him by accident.

Sure your Aunt Teddi had talked about the "rewardist" that she and your Aunt Velma worked with, but you hadn't been expecting to ever meet him. But when Colter got shot on a job and showed up at Teddi and Velma's home you'd helped patch him up. You'd been there picking up your six year old son Luke and your three year old daughter Emma, after work. Teddi and Velma watched them for you when your deadbeat ex Lance couldn't be bothered to give you the support you needed.

Which was all the time despite his continuous arguing that he was in their lives enough and if anything it was your fault that he didn't have more time with them.

Each time he said that it made you want to slam his head in the door of his brand new bright red BMW, the one he'd bought right after you found him in your bedroom plowing his secretary now girlfriend Crystal. Or as you liked to remember her, the girl who still believed that Santa Clause existed and that the U.S government was hiding him from the world.

But Colter had been hurt and it was just fate that you were there at your aunts home to pick up your kids.

Being an ER nurse meant that you knew how to patch Colter up and it wasn't long before he went on his way. That was about four months ago and since then you'd talked to him occasionally when he'd pop by at your aunts home or just to see if you could help him with something.

"Five minutes." You sigh.

This time you crawl out of bed, standing just to the side of it for a second shaking your head to clear the sleep, and grab the long sleeved blue colored duster/robe that was hanging on the back of your bedroom door. Navigating your way down the stairs in the dark as quietly as you can, while half asleep was difficult, but somehow you avoid falling to your death.

Unfortunate, because now you have to go see what Colter wants at freaking 4 am.

The second story home had been you ex-husband's idea, stated that the two of you needed "room to grow" and that the two of you were "investing in your future."

You frown at the thought.

Yeah, room to grow right into your fucking secretary.

As if you needed another blow to your self esteem, but looking at the skinny red-haired goddess that he'd traded you in for that was about as dumb as a rock had been enough to send you so low you might as well be navigating the Marianas Trench in a submarine with a Megalodon chasing after you.

Maybe that means I'd get to be with Jason Stratham.

That thought was welcome. Honestly the thought of any man was a comfort, especially in the dry spell you'd been having since -well- since you'd had Emma three years ago.

Not gonna think about that right now.

The smell of chocolate cupcakes hung heavy in the air as you crossed through the messy living room, wafting out through the open concept kitchen into the space. One look into the kitchen would show enough cupcakes to make anyone salivate, and yes maybe you'd eaten a few before going up to bed, but eating the chocolate didn't count if it was on Sunday night and you could always go to the gym tomorrow…

Yeah. Like that'll happen.

You open the front door. "Alright, somebody better be dying Colter or I swear that I'll-" You stop mid-sentence when you take in the scene on your porch.

Colter is standing there, looking worse for wear. His usual black jacket is gone, he's got a black eye and a scrape along one of his perfect cheekbones, but that's not who you're looking at.

Colter isn't alone.

There's a man leaning heavily on Colter, his muscular right arm is thrown across Colter's shoulders and due to the fact that the man is a little bigger than Colter, he's buckling slightly under his weight. The man is wearing a green army jacket that is soaked around his left shoulder in blood, his dark hair is falling long into his bearded face, and his skin is a few shades paler than it should be. But that doesn't make him any less handsome.

The man still manages to throw you a sly grin, brilliant green eyes shining beneath the strands of his dark hair. "I think you got your wish sweetheart."

"You're not dying Russell." Colter sighs as if he's annoyed. "Hi." He directs at you.

You do feel a little bit bad about saying that now, but you shake it off.

"What the hell happened?" You say as loud as you dare and pull the front door further open so Colter can drag the man, now named "Russell" into your home.

"Shoot out." Colter breathes. "Where do you want him?"

"Kitchen table." You say trying to reach for Russell's left arm to help Colter, but he groans low under his breath and you retract your hand.

"You've got to be a little gentle with me sweetheart." Russell laughs more to himself, but it comes out in a choked sound. "But you can have me wherever you want."

"Colter, he needs to go to the hospital." You say, following behind them, keeping your voice down. "I don't think that I can-"

"Can't, they'll report it. They have to report all gunshots, you know that." Colter grunts, helping Russell lay back on the large kitchen table. "Why are there so many cupcakes in here?"

"Bake sale at Luke’s school." You clip while waving a hand and looking down at Russell who is laying on the kitchen table.

You can't deny that he's attractive, even in this condition. Russell has the perfect ruggedly handsome features that would make the smartest girl stupid and combined with the piercing green eyes that shine beneath the hair that's fallen forward into his face, even you could see yourself being susceptible to his charm.

Fuck.

Deep down you know that Colter is right, that if he did go to the hospital they'd be required to report it and that meant police and an official report. You figured that it was the last thing that Colter wanted.

Then again the guy has so many marks on his record already. You eye the man on your kitchen table. Russell kinda looks like he would have a few marks too.

"Don't want who did this to find him." Colter clarifies.

"So instead you brought him to my house where my children are?" You cross your arms over your chest.

The fear that whatever Colter and Russell had stumbled upon following behind them to your home made a cold trickle of fear race down your spine.

"We weren't followed." Colter soothes. "I promise I'd never do that to you. And I've got Bobby doing a trace to make sure they don't come close."

He actually looks a little hurt that you'd think that of him. Colter was a lot of things, but uncaring was not one of them.

You relax, but don't apologize despite the guilt swimming in your gut. "Fine. Give me a second." You leave the room to find the first aid kit in the hall closet, the same one that you'd made for your aunts to keep at their house if Colter showed up in the middle of the night with this exact problem. You'd even been involved enough to show your aunts how to deal with a gunshot wound if you weren't there.

When you get back in the room, Colter is removing Russell's jacket, and Russell grits his teeth when it jostles his left arm.

You set down the kit and reach for the bottom of Russell's shirt to pull it up off him, and he chuckles.

"Aren't you going to buy me a drink first? Better yet we could have a few bottles of my home brew-"

"She's not going to help you, if you annoy her." Colter interrupts.

"I told you that I didn't need anyone's help, I'm perfectly fine- ow!" Russell exclaims when you accidentally yank the shirt over his left arm. "Your bedside manner is a little lacking." He grunts, but his eyes still twinkle with humor.

"Too bad. I'm tired and I've been making chocolate cupcakes for the past six hours, so you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

"What?" Russell grins at the rhyme that you often tell your children.

You shake your head, and drop your eyes to his chest. There are two perfect circles on his right upper pectoral muscle, but not high enough to reach the collarbone and one in his left bicep where blood seeps around the bullets, but truthfully you're trying not to notice how perfectly muscular he is. There are dark splashes of tattoos against his skin, swirling around other scars that resemble slashes and bullet wounds that you wish to drag your fingertips across to study each mark, to memorize each one beneath the soft pads of your fingers.

How is he just as beautiful covered in blood?

You clear your throat to focus back at the task at hand, examining the current wounds. "Okay. The good news is that the one on your arm is through and through, but these two," Your hand hovers over the two on his right upper chest. "I've got to extract the bullets. Which means that this is going to hurt."

"Been through worse sweetheart."

Your eyes scan the rest of his scarred muscular chest thoughtfully. "Yeah, you have." You murmur it more to yourself than to Russell, but he still grins.

Colter's phone rings shrilly in the kitchen and he groans. "One second. Try not to make her want to kill you Rus."

"No promises little bro."

Oh, so this is Colter's brother.

You'd heard little bits and pieces about Colter's brother, mostly second hand from your Aunt Velma. One of the best things about going over to Teddi and her home was sitting in the living room and hearing Velma gossip about everything she heard from Teddi while drinking wine and eating fancy cheese that you could never afford.

Russell Shaw was no exception.

"Alone at last." Russell says with a wink. "I didn't think he'd ever leave."

"I'm going to get some water to clean these with." You reply, ignoring him, but when you turn away the end of your mouth quirks up into a smile.

He wasn't what you were expecting based on all the rumors that you'd heard from both of your aunts, in fact, you thought he was kind of charming.

You roll up your sleeves and wash your hands before turning back to Russell. He's sitting up on your kitchen table, hands braced on his sides, with his legs spread wide apart. He doesn’t look like someone with three gunshot wounds, and you wonder if this is a regular day for him. Colter certainly didn't get shot that much.

"So are you a rewardist too?" You ask standing between his legs and trying not to focus on the warmth of his breath against your collar bone.

"Naw. I work for a private security contractor." He breezes.

"Oh." You swallow, looking up into his green eyes for a minute. They're even more beautiful up close, green with flecks of gold around the iris that flicker in the light like stars. "Is it okay if I touch you?"

"You don't gotta ask me that sweetheart, the answer will always be yes."

You flush and brace your hand on his left shoulder, before pouring water into the two wounds on the right side of his chest, trying to clean them the best you can before you extract what's left of the bullets. His skin is warm and smooth beneath the palm of your hand and it's difficult to focus.

Just pretend you're in the hospital and you're treating a patient. You take in a shallow breath. He's just a patient and he's not that good looking.

You know you're lying to yourself, but you were trying your best. It probably didn’t help given the current dry spell you were in or the fact that he even smelled good. Something like gunpowder, leather, and a hint of something spicy that you bet was his shampoo. It prickled under your nose, and activated something in the back of your mind that was having a hard time being quiet. You hadn't been this close to a man you found attractive in a long time.

"Okay. This is going to hurt." You say as you look through the small medical kit that you'd grabbed from the hall closet for the tweezers, trying to calm the thudding of your heart.

"It's okay." Russell replies. "Do what you have to baby. I won't stop you."

You weren't prepared for the warmth that bloomed in the pit of your stomach when he called you baby in the wonderfully rough rumble of his voice.

A voice like that could convince me to jump into a pit filled with alligators with no regrets. Fuck. I'd bet that a voice like that could make me- FOCUS. I will focus. He is Colter's brother and he just got shot. He doesn't need you lusting over him.

Extracting the bullets is as painful for you as it is for him. Watching the way his face scrunches up in pain hurts you more than you thought it would. His hands grip the rim of the wooden kitchen table so hard that they're turning white, and Russell's jaw is clenched so tight that you're afraid that it's going to snap.

You squeeze his left shoulder to give him some comfort. "Almost done." You murmur, searching for the second bullet.

Russell lets out a breath when you finally fish out the other bullet and drop it into an empty cup with a resounding "ping" just as Colter walks back into the room looking worried.

"What?" Russell asks him, looking over your head at his brother.

"That was Bobby. He said that the trace we put on the phone just got a hit a few miles north of here." Colter states. "I'm gonna go check it out."

"Alright, I'll come with." Russell starts to get up, but you push him back with your right hand that you've still got pressed against his left shoulder. Difficult given the fact that he was almost twice the size of you and broader than anyone you'd ever seen. And also difficult because of the way you were trying to ignore how good it felt to feel the pull of his muscles beneath your hand.

"No. You still need stitches and I haven't finished patching you up." You clear your throat, but it still sounds a little hoarse.

"Baby as much as I like you ordering me around-“

"It's alright Russell, I've got this. Just stay here and let her take care of you." Colter interrupts.

Russell frowns at his younger brother. "I'm fine."

"You're not." Colter rolls his eyes. "Stay here. I'll be back in a few hours to pick you up." He turns to look at you. "I'm sorry that we woke you up-"

"It's okay." You shrug. "But you owe me."

"Just add it to my bill." Colter smirks.

Honestly, you weren't as angry as you were when you answered the phone. Something about Russell was different and you didn’t mind helping him at all.

He wasn't like anyone that you had ever met, certainly not in the circles you ran with.

All the dads from your mom friends were blue and white collar workers who worked in the big office buildings downtown, wore suits to work and were more straight-laced, but there was something refreshing about Russell.

He was mysterious, sexy, and his had this aura of self-resilience and survival that you found immensely attractive. Especially when compared to your ex, who couldn't survive without his mocha-caramel double shot latte or wifi.

Russell was the exact opposite of him and you found yourself wanting to know more. More about the almost beautiful scars that curved over his muscular body, more about each tattoo that he’d chosen, and more about him.

He seemed like the kind of guy that hid his trauma under easy smiles and jokes, the kind of person that shrugged off anything that seemed remotely serious with a well placed joke, but you could feel that there was something deeper beneath that he didn’t allow many to see.

And you wanted him to show you.

You weren't sure where any of this was coming from. Russell probably was about as stable and consistent as his brother, and you liked consistency. Spontaneity and surprises tended to make you anxious. But not with Russell.

Though the stability might have been an issue. You were a single working mother, which meant that you didn't want to introduce some random guy into your children's life just to have them get attached and him to bail with no strings attached and-

Calm down. You just met the guy, it's not like he's asking you out on a date.

When Colter leaves and after you’ve cleaned around the wounds the best you can with some alcohol, you realize just how quiet it is in your kitchen.

“You know, I think I’ve seen you before.” Russell says breaking the silence while you search for a needle and thread in the medical kit.

“Really? Where?" You ask looking up.

“In my dreams.”

“Wow." You smile at him. "That line is pretty cheesy."

You shift your right hand over to begin to sew up the wounds on his chest. Russell doesn't even wince when you push the needle through, almost as if he didn't notice it at all.

It made sense, given how many scars and tattoos covered his body. You remember what he said about "being through worse" and it made you feel bad for him, to worry about him. Odd given the fact that the two of you had just met.

"Well I'm a little distracted at the moment sweetheart. It's not often that I get such a beautiful woman to take care of me."

"I thought you didn't need my help?" You smirk.

"Maybe I did." He admits sheepishly.

"Mhmm."

"So how do you know my brother?"

“Why?”

“Trying to see if you’re off limits or not.” Russell tilts his head to the side and flashes a charming smile.

You laugh at his boldness. You’d never met someone so upfront before, it was refreshing. Most of the men you’d meet occasionally at work tended to beat around the bush and made you want to give them a map to get to the point. "We met when he got shot a few months ago."

"Oh so the two of you aren't-" He wiggles his eyebrows and you snort.

"No."

"Huh."

"What?"

"I was just wondering why not?"

"What?"

"Well, you're gorgeous, you're smart, and you're not scared of blood or gunshots. Colter really seems to be dropping the ball."

"Colter doesn't exactly have a stable lifestyle. And I'm kind of complicated."

You were, there wasn't any way around it.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I've got two kids."

Russell blinks in surprise. "Really?"

"Mhmm." You hum continuing your task, not phased by the blood at all.

His eyes trace your figure for a minute, making a shiver travel down your spine. It was the first time in a long time that you were okay with someone looking at you like that and to be honest, the first time that you wanted someone to look at you like that in a while.

After everything that happened with your ex-husband and his secretary you were more inclined to sit on your couch with a glass of wine and read away your troubles with a steamy romance novel that did more for you than any of your ex-husband's attempts to satisfy you. It also didn't help that you had no interest in going out with your few friends and meeting someone at a club who probably would never call you again and probably wouldn't be as enthusiastic to learn that you were a mom.

You'd only been on one date since you'd broken it off with your husband with your aunts accountant Jerry, and the date stuttered to a halt when he learned you had two children and weren't interested in having an open relationship.

"I wouldn't have guessed that."

“Really? The mountain of chocolate cupcakes wasn’t a clue?” You arch an eyebrow with a smirk, while gently tying off the string to close the first wound before moving on to the second.

“I thought you just really liked baking. And I’m okay with coming home every night to a mountain of chocolate cupcakes if it means you’re there too.” He winks.

“Not sure you want any of those.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because they’re gluten free, sugar free, and nut free.”

The horrified look on Russell’s face makes you feel like you’d just told him that hot dogs do in fact contain trace amounts of dog.

“Why on earth would you make them like that?! They're not even cupcakes anymore!" He exclaims.

You found it funny that he seemed more upset over the mutilation of the chocolate cupcakes than over being shot.

Maybe he's always like this?

"I know. I'm a monster." You sigh. "But Stephanie Jacobson said I had to." You let out a frustrated sigh with her name.

Bringing anything other than what she asked for was a suicide mission. The last person who did that was Gale Smith in the great Fourth of July Cook-out calamity of 2021. In Gale's defense, no one though that the bushes would catch fire so fast, but Stephanie had a memory like an elephant so Gale decided to transfer her children to the school one town over. The last thing you wanted was for your name to go down in history for the Cupcake Catastrophe of 2024.

Russell leans forward and lowers his voice like it's a secret. “Is Stephanie your imaginary friend?”

“No!” You laugh. “She’s this other mom at my son’s school who said I wasn’t living up to my ‘duties as a parent’ and that I needed to ‘participate.’”

"She sounds great."

"Oh yeah, we're practically best friends." You continue to work on the other wounds in the silence that follows.

"I bet you're a good mom." Russell says watching you with an unreadable expression. He's leaning a little bit towards you still, making the smell gunmetal, leather, spice, and just a hint of mint come through the space between the two of you.

Damn he smells really good.

"Uh-huh. You've known me for ten minutes and you haven't seen me with my children-"

"I can tell."

"Is that your superpower or something?" You reach for a bandage to lay over the wound in his chest smiling to yourself. "All the other useful superpowers like being bulletproof got taken?"

"I don't think it's useless if it makes you smile like that when I say it, sweetheart."

Your eyes flick upwards to Russell's face. His green eyes are shining in the light of your kitchen, his dark hair still hanging over his forehead, and he is still just as ridiculously handsome as he was the moment Colter dragged him through your front door. You don’t remember why you were so mad at Colter anymore.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're too smooth for your own good?" You raise your eyebrow.

"No ma'am." Russell cracks an even wider smile and it makes you loose all feeling in your legs. He was just so effortlessly handsome that it made you want to do something stupid, like have sex with him on top of the same kitchen table that you serve blueberry pancakes to your children.

"Hmm." You bite the inside of your cheek. "Well, now you know and maybe now that you're aware, it could prevent you from getting shot."

"Are you saying I got shot because I'm too smooth?"

"Maybe."

"Because usually it has a different effect."

"Huh. Well in that case, maybe try using some of that to smooth things over and you'd avoid getting shot." You begin to wrap another fresh bandage around the bullet wound on his arm, bracing your free hand against his chest, trying to ignore the way his skin is warm and chiseled beneath your palm.

He had the kind of body that you'd never imagined actually existed. Russell Shaw looked like he walked out one of the romance novels you loved so much.

Hell, they should use pictures of him to make the book covers.

"I'll remember that next time." Russell pauses. "But then it means I wouldn’t get shot and I wouldn't get to have you patch me up."

"I guess not."

You didn't think that you'd smiled as much as you had in the past twenty minutes with him than you had your entire five year marriage. Not to mention that it was nice to talk to someone who wasn't trying to convince you why they should be allowed to have a cookie before dinner.

A charged silence passes through the air between the two of you, his eyes locked on yours sending goosebumps over your skin. You weren't sure if anyone had ever looked at you like that before. You'd noticed that most gave you the obligatory skate over, but Russell didn't. He looked at you as if he was studying you as if he were genuinely curious to know more. 

Your eyes trace his broad shoulders, toned abdomen, and muscular arms, noting that he's the kind of strong and broad that was made to handle someone a little more curvy like you. And you'd be lying if you said that you hadn't thought about it more than once since Russell came through your front door.

You felt your mind sink into the fantasy of Russell pining you to the kitchen table and feeling the warmth of his rough hands against your body-

Snap out of it. The guy is bleeding, he got shot. He needs to rest.

"I think you'll survive." You smile pulling back from him to clear your head. It was much easier when you couldn't smell him as strongly. "And if Colter isn't going to be back for a few hours you can crash on the couch. It's not the most comfortable but-"

"I'm sure it's fine." Russell shrugs and stands from your kitchen table.

You try and fail to ignore how his muscles pull with the movement as he reaches for his shirt and you step forward to help him put it on, knowing that it might hurt with his injury. "Okay." You clear your throat, that has become thick all of a sudden. "And if you're hungry I've got plenty of cupcakes-"

"Please don't call them that. They're an disgrace to the cupcake name."

"Yeah, but the ones in the microwave are actually cupcakes. I had to make a few that were edible." You gesture with your hand and laugh at how quickly Russell goes to get one.

He doesn’t even bother to pull away the wrapping before he takes a bite and he audibly moans. Russell looks at you awestruck. "Holy shit, you made this? Where have you been all my life?"

"Shut up." You roll your eyes at him.

"I'm serious, this cupcake is my reason to keep living. Here I thought putting sriracha on French fries was the height of cuisine, but damn."

You could feel yourself blush bright red at his compliment. You weren't used to a man going out of his way to compliment you on something other than how you looked, but everything about Russell Shaw was refreshing and nothing like you expected.

"Thank you." You wait another second, watching him eat more of the cupcake and smash icing and flecks of chocolate over his chin. You laugh at him and hand him a paper towel. "You're worse than my three year old."

"Your three year old is a lucky kid, if she’s got a mom like you to make stuff like this for her."

It's like he wants me to fall in love with him. How can someone look so unbelievably cute and sexy while covered in chocolate cupcake?

Don't answer that.

"Sometimes I think I'm the lucky one. I love my kids-" You say before you can stop yourself. You hesitate afraid that it would send Russell for the hills when you brought up the fact that you loved your children.

"Yeah?" Russell's smile brightens as he wipes his face with the napkin.

"Yeah." You blink mildly shocked. Of all the people in the world to talk about your children with, you never expected someone like Russell Shaw. “I do."

Again he was surprising you, and talking to him was just so refreshing and it made you feel like your head had finally cleared, like your chest was lighter and you could actually talk to someone for real without putting out this together image of yourself you thought you had to when inside you were crumbling from the overbearing expectations of the people around you.

The silence is back, filling the kitchen with a palpable energy that you wonder if Russell can feel, but you shake it off.

"I guess I'll see you in the morning. It was nice to meet you Russell, but I'm sorry that you got shot." You smile.

"I'm not." Russell smiles. "I got to meet you."

"Alright Casanova, I need to go to bed, because my kids will wake me up in about two hours." You frown over at the couch. "There's a pillow and a blanket down the hall in the bathroom closet." You gesture with one hand. "I'll see you in the morning." You repeat because you're not too sure what to say.

"Yeah. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

You turn and walk up the stairs to your bedroom, feeling the thin blue robe swishing around your ankles as you do.

And as you fall into your bed all you can think about as you start to drift is the ruggedly handsome man downstairs, with the brilliant green eyes that crinkle with his smile, and the large hands rough from hard work, that seems to be more than what meets the eye.

The alarm clock on your bedside table might as well be employed by the devil for waking you up and the idea of smashing it to bits with the heavy metal table lamp that sits beside it crosses your mind. You weren't sure how many hours you'd gotten in, only that they weren't enough, and you were in desperate need of coffee.

You roll over on your back, looking up at your ceiling as you blink your eyes open, following the familiar sweeps of the paint brush that were left behind.

The memory of the night's events come back in full color and you stiffen remembering exactly why you'd gone to bed so late. Images of last night flash through your mind. Colter dragging a bloodied Russell through your front door, Russell sitting on your kitchen table looking much too attractive covered in blood, him flirting with you with a wide smile that made you feel warm from the inside out…

Oh fuck he's still on my couch. How am I going to explain that to my kids?

You dress in a flash and stumble down the stairs as quickly as you can, tripping and falling into the living room, but when you look you realize that Russell isn't on the couch. The pillow and brightly colored quilted blanket he used are neatly folded on one of the plush cushions, but he's nowhere to be found.

I guess Colter came to get him.

You weren't expecting the wave of disappointment that comes with that realization, but as you turn to go back up the stairs to ready yourself for the day, you hear your daughter’s voice.

"Mommy!" She says. "Look! Rus is making pancakes."

What?

You turn to investigate your spacious kitchen. It was still covered in an alarming amount of cupcakes, but that’s not what’s surprising, what’s surprising is Russell, standing at your crowded stove with a spatula in his hand, sliding a perfectly golden brown pancake around in the bottom of a pan.

You blink your eyes to make sure that you’re not imagining it and make sure that you’re not asleep.

"Hey gorgeous." Russell flashes a wide grin. "How'd you sleep?"

"Um-" You glance at where your daughter is sitting with your son, both eating stacks of pancakes at your kitchen table, the same kitchen table that you were fantasizing about Russell and you-

Nope. Not going there.

Honestly, any fantasy you had about him was blown away by the sight of him standing in your kitchen making pancakes for your children. Something so domestically wonderful that turned you on even more than the image of him shirtless sitting on your kitchen table.

This was something even your husband refused to do, cook. Any day that you tried to get him to, he'd said that it was your "job." And here Russell was standing in your kitchen looking even more effortlessly gorgeous cooking for your family without being asked.

"I sleep good. How did you sleep?" You ask taking a hesitant step towards him.

"Good. Better than I have in a bit actually." He turns back to the pan and flicks his wrist, flipping the pancake inside.

Emma claps happily and Luke watches Russell with a look of absolute awe on his face, while you try not to have impure thoughts about Russell in front of your children.

"You didn't have to make breakfast-"

"I did." He plates the pancake and holds it out to you. "I wanted to thank you for patching me up."

"It wasn't a big deal." You shrug, but take the pancake from the plate, rolling it up like a taco before you take a bite.

Russell cocks his head to the side studying you for a moment. "It was to me." His green eyes are just as hypnotic today as they were last night, tracing over your body in a way that makes pins and needles tickle over your skin. "Plus, wanted to make the kids something that wasn't gluten free, nut free, and sugar free. Emma sure can put away some pancakes."

It was odd to see someone so eager to make himself comfortable in your house, especially a man you barely knew and who you owed absolutely nothing to. Not to mention that Russell genuinely seemed happy to be making breakfast for your children as if he belonged there.

It was so different from every other man that you'd ever met, and you wanted to get used to it. You wanted to get used to having a man around again, to having Russell in your home and in your life. You'd never been spontaneous or wanted to jump headfirst without looking at the pros and cons, but watching Russell standing at your stove, with the sunlight coming through the windows behind him and illuminating his broad shoulders and sifting through his dark hair, you saw absolutely no downside.

"Yeah she's always had a good appetite."

"Hope she doesn't lose that. I hate it when women don't eat." Russell shrugs his shoulders and goes back to make a pancake for himself. "Plus Luke needs to bulk up. He said his dad is going to sign him up for baseball."

You stiffen at the mention of your ex, not sure if you should supply the information, or if you should let it slide. Russell's eyes flick down at your left hand for a half-second, so quickly you could have missed it, but you understood what he was doing.

"He's my ex-husband." You murmur low enough so only Russell could hear.

"Good." Russell replies with a knowing smirk. "Means that I don’t have any competition."

You roll your eyes at his reaction and walk over to where your children are eating. Luke is covered in maple syrup as per usual. He had always been a messy eater, but because he insisted on having his hair cropped short, it never seemed to be too much of a problem.

Just as Emma looks like your ex-husband, Lance, Luke looks like you. He has the same eyes and same colored hair, but he'd always been a little short for his age. Lance usually picked at him for that, but you didn't know what Lance was expecting, Luke was six years old, he'd grow!

"Good pancakes?" You ask, trying to wipe at his face with a napkin but he pulls away with an exclaimed "Mom!"

"What? You're covered in syrup." You laugh, raising the napkin again, but Luke dodges your hand.

"Mom!" Luke says again.

"Alright, fine. But go get dressed, your dad will be here to pick you up any minute." You say, urging him with a hand against his shoulder.

Today Lance was taking Luke to school and picking him up after for a baseball game, before staying with him at his apartment. You’d told your Aunt Teddi and your Aunt Velma that you'd help them plant a garden today, and Emma had been looking forward to it as much as you had.

Velma had been talking about it all through last week, and you’d gotten the day off specifically off for it. Emma was also excited about it because Teddi had bought flowers specifically for butterflies and your daughter loved them more than life itself.

You were looking forward to working out in the sun, feeling the healing rays against your skin, listening to the sounds of the world outside your aunts familiar home soothe you, play with the dogs for a little bit, and finally go inside for a few glasses of wine while Velma, Teddi, and you talked about the book of the month. Book club nights were especially special for Emma as well. Velma always poured Emma's apple juice into a plastic pink wine glass that she'd bought for Emma so she could feel included.

This book had been really good and you couldn't wait to share what you'd thought while eating expensive cheese and cupcakes and while the dogs circled below like raptors.

You loved being at their home. It was always such a comfort to be somewhere where you felt that you could be yourself especially after Lance left you. Your mother had died when you were a kid and your dad had never been equipped to handle things like that so your Aunt Teddi had picked up the slack in your early years and now after she'd married Velma, you had another person in your life who supported you and made you feel like you could be yourself. Both of them had been furious when they learned about what Lance had done and sat with you while you cried into a box of tissues.

It had been difficult to talk them both out of killing Lance. Surprising since your Aunt Teddi was usually the voice of reason.

Luke sighs, but listens to you, getting up from the table to make his way upstairs. You can hear his footsteps as he walks down the hallway above and into his room.

Despite his reluctance, he was looking forward to today as well. Sometimes you thought that he felt left out when you all went over to your aunts house. You knew that Luke longed for the attention of his father, and something broke inside of you each time your ex-husband made him feel forgotten.

You turn to look at your daughter. "Good pancakes?"

"Yes!"

"Did you tell Russell thank you?"

"Thank you Rus!" She sing-songs with a wide smile, before moving her plastic fork back into the pile enthusiastically.

"You're welcome sweetheart." Russell says from the stove, picking up the pancake in the skillet bare handed before he puts a generous stripe of maple syrup along the inside and rolls it up just like you did. "Do you want another one?" His gaze turns to you, warm and open.

Fuck, why is he so damn attractive?

"No I'm-"

The knock on the front door interupts your answer signifying the arrival of Lance. When he'd moved out of the house you'd changed all the locks and then refused to give him a key. Something that he'd pouted and stomped about worse than your toddler, but you'd held firm. You didn't want him in your house and you definitely didn't want her in your house either.

"Daddy!" Emma squeals and before you can stop her, she leaps from her chair like she'd been shot from a cannon and runs down the front hallway to open the door for your ex.

You sigh out a breath to prepare yourself for what comes next. Talking to Lance was always tense and as much as you tried to be civil, Lance didn't. He didn't pull punches, and often lacked the common decency that everyone else had.

Russell's studying you again, his easy smile slipping into a frown when he notes the change in your attitude.

"Stay here. This shouldn't take long." You force a smile, but it lacks the enthusiasm you’d had whenever you talked to Russell before.

Sometimes just the thought of your ex took the energy out of you, as if you were on a space ship and all the air got sucked out into the cold silent vacuum.

Lance is standing on the front step hugging your daughter with one hand while the other holds his phone behind her head, his gaze intently on the screen while Emma chatters in his ear. He's not paying attention though. He never was and never did.

His black hair is slicked back over his head and cropped shorter than the last time you saw him. Now it barely touches his collar but hangs long over the top of his head. His brown eyes glint an amber in the light of the sun, and he’s wearing a tailored blue suit with a dark patterned tie.

“Hey.” Lance clips to you as he stands, releasing Emma who is still trying to talk to him, but he ignores her.

You grind your teeth together. “Hi.”

He sighs audibly sensing the tension, as if it’s you that’s done something wrong.

“Emma, why don’t you go finish your pancakes?” You smile down at your daughter and pat her on the head. “We’ve got to go soon.”

“Okay! Bye daddy!”

“That’s nice honey.” He says absentmindedly, still typing furiously on his phone, while Emma rushes back down the hallway and into the kitchen, that is hidden from view of the front door.

“You know you could put the phone down for once. The world won’t implode if you wait a few seconds to answer a text.” You say.

“Don’t start.” Lance rolls his eyes.

The BMW idling at the curb catches in the early morning sunlight and you see a flash of red-hair. Crystal is in the passenger seat, her auburn hair piled on top of her head effortlessly, her lips painted a dark colored red, there’s a pair of heart shaped sunglasses over her eyes, and she’s wearing black dress low cut enough that her ample breasts spill out through the wide V.

She peers at you from where she sits in the car, her phone perched in her lap, and you watch her dark colored lips twitch into a knowing smirk when she catches you looking at her.

Each time you saw her was like taking a punch to the gut.  It made you pull your oversized sweater a little tighter over your chest self-consciously.

“I’m not starting anything. I’m just saying that you should pay more attention to-“ You begin, but Lance interrupts.

“I don’t want to do this with you. I have a deposition due today and I have to finish sending this email.” He snaps.

“Fine.” You sigh, trying to remain calm. You hated when he did this, when he made it seem like no one and nothing else was important except his job. “Luke is getting ready. I have to box up these cupcakes for a bake sale at the school. All you have to do is drop them off and tell-“

“Oh sorry babe. Can’t do the thing today.”

You bristled when he called you babe. You weren't his, not after everything the two of you had been through.

“What do you mean you can’t do the ‘thing’ today?” You plant your hands on your hips trying to comprehend what he's saying.

“With the kid. Sorry. Crystal made plans for us at some fancy restaurant or whatever. Supposed to be the best in the city-“

“What?”

“I can’t take the kid today.” He repeats slowly, this time looking up, but he doesn’t bother to apologize, and his gaze barely meets yours before he drops his eyes back to the hand clutched in his perfectly manicured fingers.

“But you promised Luke that you were going to take him to a baseball game today after school. That he was going to get to spend the night with you and-“

“Sorry.” The apology isn’t sincere and you know it, despite Lance’s attempts to drop his smile into a sympathetic frown. It comes across as more condescending.

Crystal honks the horn of the car as if to tell Lance to hurry up, and it takes a very large amount of effort for you not to flip her the bird.

“No. Luke has been looking forward to this all week! Not to mention I had to ask off for today specifically-“

“And I’ll apologize to him too.” Lance goes back to typing something on his phone. “This dinner means a lot to Crystal-“

“I don’t give two shits what means a lot to that red-haired bimbo!” You snap, the rage and frustration building in your chest. “You made a promise to your son to take him to a baseball game and actually spend time with him and that’s exactly what you’re going to do!”

Lance looks up from his phone, his eyes narrowing. “You always fucking do this.”

“Do what?”

“Pick a fight.”

“I am not picking a fight Lance. All you’ve done since you’ve shown up here is ignore your daughter and tell me that you’re backing out of the one thing I’ve asked you to do in months!”

“I told you that I have a meeting and a deposition due today! Damn it, what do you want from me? To quit my big job that pays for this house?” He steps forward towering over you. Lance was taller than you, but he had always been lanky and thin, unable to gain too much weight or muscle at a time. “Why do you find the need to make me feel like my life isn’t important?”

“What are you talking about? I didn’t say anything about your life! I’m talking about our son’s life-“ You shout incredulous.

“This is exactly why I got out when I did. Because you always try to control every little thing. You’re so damn OCD that if I did one microscopic thing that wasn’t apart of your ‘special plans’ you’d spontaneously combust! You never just shut your big mouth and let me just fucking live my life! You never let me feel like a man! And Crystal understands-“

“Crystal can’t even understand that pickles were once cucumbers! I doubt she can understand whatever warped reality you’re living in Lance.” You spit. “But I’m sorry that me asking you to be a part of our children’s lives is too much for you. That it’s such a chore for you to make them happy.” The frustrated tears had begun to burn against your eyes.

You didn’t know why you expected anything different. Lance had been doing this since your son was born, putting his career above everything else, working late, schmoozing whoever he could, being so damn selfish that he was willing to throw everything the two of you built together for the woman sitting in the car on the curb watching the two of you go at it with a sick satisfaction.

“Don’t fucking do that!” Lance roars and this time he slams his hand against the door frame so roughly that the glass inside shakes and you flinch. “I don’t know why I even try to talk to you. So why don’t you get your big ass up those stairs and-“

“Is there a problem?” Russell’s voice interrupts whatever Lance was going to say, his body sliding into the space behind you so suddenly that you didn’t hear him walk up.

But it felt good for him to be there, to feel the warmth of his body through the air at your back.

He places his hand on the door to open it up a little wider and to seem a bit more intimidating. Russell is easily taller and broader than Lance.

Lance looks up at him confused, puffing out his chest to look more intimidating. “Who the fuck are you?”

 “Maybe you shouldn’t use that kind of language around the kids-“ Russell says with a tight lipped smile.

“They’re my fucking kids. Don’t tell me how to talk.” Lance’s gaze flicks to you. “Who the fuck is this?”

“I’m Russell.” He replies before you can. “And if you know what’s good for you I’d take a few steps back from her.” Russell’s large hand gently presses against your waist, a comforting weight that you weren’t expecting, but welcome, nonetheless.

It made you feel a little bit bolder.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Lance snarls. “Is this your boyfriend? Really? You finally decided to go out with someone and that’s who you pick?”

“Look buddy, if you keep talking to her that way, we’re going to have a problem.” Russell sighs. “And I don’t want to get any blood on your fancy suit.”

“I’m not your buddy. And trust me she’s not worth the fight.” Lance sneers at you, giving you a once over that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die.

Russell’s jaw clenches tight and he takes a step forward, but you hold out your arm to stop him.

“He’s not my boyfriend and even if he was, it’s none of your business who I date!” You snap back.

Lance only shakes his head, ignoring what you’ve said. “I’m serious pal you don’t want to get involved with her. She’s fucking crazy, not to mention nothing special when it comes to se-“

The next words are lost in the sound of Russell’s fist landing against Lance’s face, the sharp crack followed by the inhuman scream of Crystal at the car. Lance stumbles back off the front step clutching a hand to his face while blood streams through his pinched fingers and over his chin.

“I warned you. Now if you keep talking, I'll make your eyes match.” Russell growls, flexing his hand.

I hope he didn’t rip his stitches.

“You son of a bitch.” Lance sputters, his hand still holding his broken nose. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

“It’s worth it, if it shuts you up.” He replies unfazed.

Lance’s eyes narrow with hate as he looks at you one more time, before stumbling back to his car where Crystal has begun to wail over the amount of blood coming from his nose. The car squeals down the street and out of sight, leaving Russell and you standing on your front porch. Thankfully Emma was still in the kitchen eating her pancakes and Luke was upstairs, you didn't want either of them to see Russell punch their dad.

But that didn't mean that you wouldn't mind seeing it again.

You groaned when you thought about your son. You didn’t know how on earth you were going to explain to him why his dad wasn’t going to pick him up or take him to the game.

But at the same time there was a sickening amount of pleasure that bubbled beneath the surface at the thought of Russell breaking Lance’s nose.

“Are you okay?” Russell asks turning to look at you. There’s anger still simmering beneath the surface. You’d never seen him angry in all the time he’d stayed with you. All you’d seen was the funny, easy going, guy with the gorgeous smile, but to see him like this and especially to see him angry over what had just happened…

Just when I thought he couldn’t get any more attractive.

“Yeah. I’m sorry-“

“Don’t apologize for that asshole. He shouldn’t have talked to you like that.” Russell hesitates. “Does he always talk to you like that?”

“Pretty much.”

“Damn, should have knocked a few teeth out too. He’s got to learn how to speak to a lady, especially one as beautiful as you.”

You felt your cheeks flush. You couldn’t remember the last time that someone called you beautiful and before you can stop yourself you say:

“I don’t think you’re too bad looking yourself.”

“Oh I know. You couldn’t keep your hands off me last night.” Russell’s grin makes you smile and roll your eyes at him.

Again you’re struck by how charming he is and how kind. He didn’t have to do any of the things he’d done today, but he did anyway. He didn’t have to make breakfast for your children, he didn’t have to step in when your ex-husband got mouthy, and he didn’t have to punch Lance in the face, but Russell had.

He'd done more for you in the past few hours than your husband had done in the six years you'd been married to him.

Behind where Russell's standing, Colter’s truck pulls up to idle on the curb in the same place that the BMW had been sitting moments ago, and you raise a hand in a half-wave to greet him. Colter shoots you a grin and waves back.

“Guess my ride’s here.” Russell says glancing back at his brother over his shoulder before he looks back at you.

“Seems so.” You nod. “Are you sure you don’t want me to check your stitches for you one more time before you go? I mean you probably ripped them when you punched Lance."

“Sounds like you just want to catch another peak of me without my shirt on.” Russell laughs, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Shut up.” You roll your eyes and hit him on the arm.

“Ow.”

“You’ll survive.”

“Maybe.” He’s studying you again, the sunlight turning his hair a honeyed brown and his eyes into a sharp jade. The light catches his broad shoulders and traces along his strong jaw that is covered in a healthy amount of stubble that makes him look rugged and more handsome than any man you’d ever met.

You bite the inside of your cheek. “It was nice to meet you Russell. And again, I'm sorry that you got shot."

Russell shrugs. “It was worth it. I got to meet you and I got to punch that asshole in the face so win-win.”

“You didn’t have to-“

“Yes, I did.” Russell’s jaw tightens. “You didn’t deserve any of the things he was saying about you or about the kids.”

“True.” You hesitate.

Should I ask him for his number or is that too forward?

“I’ll see you around.” Russell smiles at you one more time before making his way to his brother’s car, just as Emma joins you on the front step.

“Did daddy leave?” She sounds sad.

“Yeah. He did.” You take her small hand in yours.

“But why does Russell have to go too?” She whines.

“Because he’s going home.”

You felt a twinge in your chest watching him get into the car, knowing that you probably would never see him ever again. It made you sad to know that. You'd been interested in him and you thought he was interested in you, but he hadn't asked for your number.

Maybe he's flirty and charming with everyone.

You hide the frown that comes with that thought. Emma waves goodbye with her freehand, and Russell smiles from the passenger seat, waving back at your daughter, before he raises his gaze to yours again and winks.

Or maybe not.

When you go back inside the house, Luke is still upstairs, and instead of going up to tell him about his father, you turn to go back into your kitchen to clean up. As you near the stove, you notice a bright green piece of paper under one of the magnets on your refrigerator, fluttering slightly in the air-conditioning.

You pull it down to look.

In case you want some more pancakes or if you bake any more of those life changing cupcakes. Give me a call. -Russell.

His phone number was written under his name, next to a smiley face that made you laugh aloud to yourself.

Sunday nights were the worst, but not this time.

A/N: Alright, I had so much fun with this one! I just had this urge to write Russell with a reader who had children and a trash man ex because why not? And I know I said it would be a one-shot… but my mind is already thinking of all the possibilities lol. Mostly because we all know I can’t really write just a one-shot 😅😂

As always thank you so much for reading! Reblogs, Likes, and Comments are not required but are always appreciated. I love hearing what y’all think!

Taglist:

@roseblue373 @livya99 @mrsjenniferwinchester

[llycaons]

ep37: a-qing just can't catch a break

the way his face just lights up when he has the opportunity to do something helpful...I mean I kind of get it but also. kid. get a hobby besides being a teacher's pet PLEASE

ohh neat. wwx talked a lot in the book about commoner's solutions to problems without cultivator involvement. it would have been nice to see a more pointed critique of the highly specialized and often impractical and elitist education the rich sect kids get

I love this shot. so mysterious and eerie! and he is so handsome <3

it makes me so mad that wwx is joking about a-qing's looks, not so much because I care about him being a dick and scaring the kids on purpose, but because it's a shitty and narrow-minded way to view a young person who is clearly suffering some kind of horrible...death? every single junior includes some comment on her beauty or looks and it's so annoying. she's more than that! she deserves more!

wwx scolding jl for emulating jc and sounding like a brat (or maybe more accurately to wwx's complaints, a little bitch) is weirdly satisfying to me. no he thinks the way jc raised jl sucks, actually, and he's trying to fix jl's attitude. here jl goes along with wwx's prank and then yells at him afterwards, even though he himself played along. a bit different from the jc situation sin he's a child, but I imagine wwx got irritated when he was younger a lot when jc would go along with his schemes and them turn around and complain about him as if he didn't particupate

STOP WEARING HIS FACE! YOU SICK FUCK. it's so bizarre to see xxc in black that I didn't even recognize him this time around. with the eyes hidden, it's a bit harder to tell

when I was reading swbts this weekend, she mentions that nobody actually follows all the precepts, because it's impractical and absurd. but there were some really obvious ones like 'don't murder' and it's nice to see that the lan precepts include some good things in there besides the well-criticized 'don't laugh without a cause' and such. also, lwj is the only person following every single one anyway and that doesn't have anything to do with whether he's a good person or whether he thinks wwx is a good person, either. they're really not connected and his character development is realizing that

aww, they're all offering their blood up. this little scene where wwx asked if anyone has blank talismans and commenting on their cultivation level was also explained further in the books - strong cultivators can write their own, but still-learning kids need to bring talismans that have already been written

wwx's face here is so sad. he admired sl and xxc so much and wanted to emulate them, and to see them come to an end like this...must be devastating. as if he hadn't already lost so much

ALSO the idea that would-be lovers turned on each other and tried to kill each other. I imagine that would be very difficult for wwx given his own history with lwj

spooky!

ssc's actor did so well. that smile is all xy

WEI WUXIAN CALLING XY A DRAMA QUEEN

help why did he say it like that

oh damn that's jgy

xy interacting with wwx is so funny to me honestly. like a huge fanboy. his greatest psychosexual obsession is with xxc but he definitely has a thing for wwx too I know he wants to be topped or something

classic line. we love not dehumanizing our autistic undead friend 👍

STOP CARESSING HIS SWORD YOU CREEPY FUCK

oh and this is also funny. wwx like 'are you bullying me since I'm still recovering?' (implying he IS recovering and could still rebuild a core 👀 and xy being like 'yep! as you recall I am a delinquent and I am acting like it!' and wwx being like 'no fair. MAN'

omg and as soon as lwj appears and xy is like 'hehe we meet again' and lwj just refuses to answer, summons xxc's sword, and delivers THIS devastating line. love it. no bullshit. no tolerance

I feel like xy recognizes lwj as objectively handsome but he's not really into him

his two-bladed sword is so sick too bad he's evil

I don't really think about villains in terms of whether they're 'redeemable' or not and I don't like to think of people as ontologically evil but man I don't think xy was ever going to be anything besides what he was. it did suck that he was mutilated as a child, and it must have been difficult growing up on the streets, but the glee with which he talks about mass murder makes me think he would have kind of taken any excuse to go wild and murder a ton of people. 'oh he just needed love and understand' well he got it! and he used it to trick the person who loved him into murdering more people and then he tortured and murdered their teenage ward/friend. I can appreciate a reading where he's more harmless and just funny in his destructiveness, but I will never be able to swallow AUs where he's genuinely a good person. loving murder is just too much a part of him!

there's also a line where the juniors make wwx say that lwj is good at stuff and he seems very taken aback to be asked, which is weird bc aren't they at least traveling companions? maybe he was confused at being asked to give an account with authority since he knows the kids still think he's a random jin exile who's known lwj for like. a few weeks max. man I don't like that moment, it seems really forced and awkward even if wwx is still in his 'I don't quite understand why lwj is doing this or how long it'll last' era. which also seems weird given them moments they've already shared and the comfort wwx has in stating with lwj? man, maybe it's easier if he doesn't have to think about it or explain it to other people. I GUESS

god this sucks....that's his last connection to his mama

A QING!!!!!!!!

wwx comforting her is so. he's been such a dick to the kids this episode so it's nice to remember what a kind person he is when it really counts. and a-qing hasn't felt human touch in a very long time

and when he says he'll do empathy, it's jl who objects! one of those 'aw, he really does care' moments

personal highlights:

while this wasn't as horribly dull and poorly done as the last third-party character focused plot (I seriously spent a lot of 34 thinking 'oh god, cql is bad after all), it didn't offer a lot in terms of special moments or humor. a solid 5/10. mediocre. let's see

wwx talking about folk remedies

the kids offering their blood. because they love him

wwx calling xy a drama queen

wwx seeing sl and xxc's bodies and realizing what state they're in. that shit hurted

"you don't deserve this sword' TELL HIM HANGUANG-JUN

[lackadaisycats]

Hello!

First of all I wanted to say that your art is super gorgeous and I am super into your setting because ahm DUH cats + crimes are meant together

So I have several questions for you if you don't mind!

Out of all the platforms, how come you are still on tumblr? I am new here and as far as I can see usually major creators don't really use it anymore (and good gosh you are major for me <3)

Have you ever felt jealous of other creators? Do you think your work does not get attention it deserves? BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DO. I bet my friends are sick of me trying to promote your work :D

Have you ever had any fears regarding your art? Or in general?

Hey, thanks! 1. Hmm…good question. It's been, what? At least ten years since Tumblr was really in its zany, tumultuous, hormonal heyday. Then came the Great Annihilation and the Female-Presenting-Nipple Fallout. The ashes have settled and what remains is a, uh, mildly eccentric, post-apocalyptic ghost town? Like Mad Max, except everyone is wearing pastels, sipping tea and chuckling cryptically to themselves about something amusing while fussing with their herb garden. Or thereabouts. Maybe the chaos agents lost interest and everyone else who dwelled here grew up into rather chill adults. I don't know. Either way, I'm kind of liking its vibe lately? I use other social media too. As someone trying to earn a living as a freelance artist, I sort of have to. I'm on Twitter. I'm on Instagram. I'm on YouTube. I have the comic up on Webtoon. I've even got a TikTok for animated stuff. I feel way more at ease here, though. There's less pressure to perform, and to do it aggressively and relentlessly so as to appease a nebulous, uncaring demigod of an algorithm. And when you're doing that amidst a morass of other people, when everything you labor over is reduced to "content", it gets to feeling like you're just flailing futilely around in a stormy ocean. Tumblr doesn't feel like that. No one is vying for massive success on tumblr. From a functionality standpoint, for me, this is still the best place to post a bunch of large images all at once without having to fully reformat everything. And I can answer questions in whatever exceedingly verbose way my heart desires without hitting a character limit…

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2. Ah, well, thanks very much. I really appreciate the of word-of-mouth championship! Promotion coming from an authentic place is absolutely the most gratifying kind (as long as your friends aren't too annoyed with it). It's difficult to objectively measure something like deservedness, though. Sometimes I feel guilty for the amazing good fortune I've had to be able to pursue some of my dreams. Sometimes it's an emotional, physical and financial struggle that has me questioning my life choices and frustrated that the universe doesn't spend any effort trying to balance sweat and tears against reward. Simultaneously, I know many artists who haven't had any of the opportunities I have in spite of - in my estimation - deserving it as much or more than I do. In a more perfect world, things would just be better for creators on the whole. And, well, for most people in general. And yes, I have experienced envy with a bitter edge, mostly when I was a younger, immature artist. I think envy is a pretty natural human reaction - it can be an overall positive motivator to see what other artists have been able to achieve and to desire some of the same level of skill or success. It can also easily turn into resentment that unleashes a whole array of destructive thought patterns and behavior. As I've grown older, I've found fewer and fewer reasons to really feel envious of anyone, though. You come to realize success is a matter of perception, a fleeting feeling, a pyrrhic victory, a largely illusory thing, and that other artists are your allies more than they are your competition. You come to value the things that are the actual substance of your life - like treasured time doing your thing (and maybe even doing it with other artists you enjoy) - more than you value the phantom triumphs and validations you imagine others possess.

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3. Oh yes. Fear is all around. Where to even begin? Fear of disappointing people, fear of ultimately wasting the time of the other artists I'm working with, fear of doing some harm, fear of accidentally offending someone, fear of disproportionate reprisals for accidentally offending someone, fear of losing everything in some contract arrangement gone bad, fear of injury that stops me from being able to continue working, fear of falling short of what I wanted to do, fear of income sources going under, fear of present political situations escalating and upending everyone's lives so profoundly that art isn't even an option any longer….and many more! They're always stacked and looming. All I know is that, while it's good to let rational fears make you careful and aware and prepared, you can't let them stop you.