#or it's romantic but it sort of falls in an aroace umbrella

[beanghostprincess]

Josuke being the single gay aroace cousin™ of the Joestars might actually be my favorite thing about him. I wish I were him, actually. Bloodline keeps going so no need for romance or kids. Only money from deadbeat dad and nepobabyism. Mr.Gucci-Vogue-LouisVuitton-Prada-Chanel-Balenciaga-RalphLauren-Versace-Armani-Moschino-Dior. His mom's like "are you not going to have kids or get married" and he's like "I'd rather wear thrifted clothes than dating". He actually lives with Okuyasu and everyone thinks they're dating and please don't ask them because they don't know either but what they do know is that Josuke has a flight the next day to go to Italy because his modeling agency asked him to go and Okuyasu is having a breakdown because "what if you like their cooking more than mine" and Josuke won't stop rolling his eyes and going "they could never be better than you" and then he comes back with a thousand of millions of bags saying he did "a little shopping over there" and half of the bags are just shoes.

[frazelforever]

hey so i have a question- you don’t have to answer if you don’t feel like talking about your sexuality. i totally understand that it’s not your job to explain yourself to everyone

please take this in the most respectful way possible, but can you explain how you’re both bi and aroace? i’ve been led to believe that those two are the opposite, but i know that labels are not like boxes to be confined by- so can you explain to me what being bi aroace means to you

Hello! 

I don’t really mind any questions about my identities bc I think it’s important to let people know what’s possible bc maybe it could help them understand themself

There are two answers!

Not personal: a lot of people identify as either oriented aroace or angled aroace, which I likely probably fall into, I just don’t care about that label too much to do any personal research into it, but if you look those terms up, a lot of people have defined them pretty well with thought out explanations on how the two differ or how they are possible 

Me specifically! So if asked to describe my aromantism, I would say romance-adverse/repulsed, because I neither feel romantic attraction nor do I want a romantic relationship (it makes me uncomfortable). My asexuality, however, is not as straight forward. No, I don’t feel sexual attraction (at least not the same way allos do), but I’m also not against a sexual relationship. It’s also why I also say I identify as allosexual in some ways, because while I don’t feel sexual attraction, it doesn’t mean that I don’t necessarily don’t want sex. I use bi(sexual) as a sort of umbrella term for all of the differing attractions I would have towards a queer platonic partner (platonic, sensual, aesthetic, etc). If we wanted to be real technical with terms, I would say I am aroallo and asexual, because my aromantism and asexuality are seperate entities, but the way I do feel attraction is directly related to my aro identity, if that makes any sort of sense. 

So um yeah! 

[stardustdiiving]

I love hearing about queer headcanons so I'll probably end up asking about all of them, but how about starting with Sumeru?

(ask in reference to this post)

YES I can do a few sumeru characters to start (heres Wanderer, Cynonari, Collei, and Nahida)

(there’s accidently aroace headcanons in 3/4 of them OOOPS)

Wanderer: talked about his gender (trans guy) here, sexuality wise I see him as gay and probably mostly t4t. I also have a vision where Wanderer has the same relationship with aro + aceness as Collei but in sort of opposite directions. So my idea is Wanderer feels a lot of alienation & detachment regarding romance & sex & shares a lot of similar experiences to aro and/or ace people, but would choose to not ID as either label because after some time he concludes his relationship with both kinds of attraction is very influenced by trauma, and it would be more healthy for him personally to work on building a positive relationship with romantic + sexual attraction since he does actually experience it. So he sits on a plane of not identifying as aro or ace but like he gets it

Collei: Collei on the other hand, in contrast to Wanderer, finds aro + ace labels really helpful for understanding herself, even if she also believes in her relationship with both kinds of attraction overlapping a lot with trauma. Because for her she genuinely just doesn’t really feel she experiences either attraction and that’s sort of a comfortable default/conclusion for her. Specifically I’d give her the demi aro and asexual labels…in my head this goes with my Tighnari & Cyno headcanons where both of them are in an aroace relationship and give her really good advice/feedback on her feelings that make her feel more able to be confident about how she feels regarding attraction. Along with that I think she’s sort of questioning sexuality labels but would refer to herself as sapphic as a shorthand explanation. Gender wise I have a few different headcanons in mind…either transfem, demigirl, or bigender/genderfluid maybe? I see her as having multiple ideas of what sort of gender presentation she wants and going between them

Tighnari + Cyno: Okay so here I need to pitch my demi-aroace Cynonari vision. I think both Cyno and Tighnari would view their own queerness in ways pretty similar to each other, and one facet of this is where they fall on the aroace spectrum. I think it aligns perfectly where they’re both like, yeah I have no interest in romance or relationships the way people usually engage with them but you’re the only one who gets the exact way I feel about it + we get along well so honestly I’m down to be in our own form of a relationship with you specifically. I don’t think they really do labels with a lot of things: both of them are trans + non binary in one way or another, and both use gay/queer as identifying terms, but don’t have a lot of specifications beyond using umbrella labels really. They’re just chilling. As established this ends up being a good fit for their dynamic with Collei bc I think it gives her a lot more confidence about navigating her own queerness seeing Cynonari just kind of hang out and do their own thing

Nahida: she’s baby and does not strike me as someone who is going to think about romance or sexuality until she’s a lot older. I think if you asked Nahida to explain her gender to you she would probably employ a lot of very confusing metaphors you do not understand, all in an attempt to articulate what I’d write as a pretty shared experience between all the Archons in how they view gender. They seem to like…view themselves as genderless but sometimes opting into gender if they feel like it—and tend to intuitively relate it to their element. Which means the most you get from Nahida’s metaphors is she’s telling you her gender is plant and you do not get it but it doesn’t seem wrong so what can you do. I also have this additional thought I think is funny about Wanderer and Nahida having very deep philosophical discussions about immortal gender at 3 in the morning. In the context of the English language at least I think we need to tell Nahida about neopronouns I think she’d be a fan. So in summary she’s kind of baby and is not giving this stuff much thought right now but also being a god in my gender impact dimension kind of inherently makes you ponder the orb (gender)

[doukeshi-kun]

Hey! I’m not sure if this falls into the “personal questions” category, if so, feel free to ignore this ask, and I’m sorry in advance!

You don’t have to get personal and speak about yourself at all, I’ve just been very clueless lately, about whether or not I might be aromantic. I’d say I’m pretty emotional and I do love, but the how romance is portrayed, and the idea of a “typical” romantic relationship has always seemed so shallow and meaningless to me. And I get second hand embarrassment from other people’s romantic relationships irl and in the media. And I can’t really tell platonic and romantic love apart, to me, romantic love is just love paired with sexual attraction (and sometimes it’s like super cringe too.)

I do crave connection with people who are “more special” to me than just friends, but I just don’t know if I’d call that romance, and I’ve never had a crush either. What would you consider the best way to feel less confused about this feeling of mine?

i'm actually happy to talk about aroace stuff because i know i won't be able to talk about it freely irl lmao. this is a bit long!

aromantic doesn't mean you're 100% not having any sort of romantic attraction towards someone—it generally means having little to no romantic attraction. besides, there are a lot more identities fall under the aromantic umbrella like grayromantic and demiromantic. i suggest you to read more into these identites if you're feeling conflicted and having those 'jumps' in your attraction.

these are all my opinions and experiences 👇 yours might differ bcs each human is unique to their own :)

i don't really want to get too personal here... but like a few years ago, there's this person whom i really wanted to befriend and i'm only ever interested in the idea of becoming his friend. however, people around me were taking my interest as something romantic and started shipping us together into a couple. it icked me so so badly because i knew i would enjoy being his friend but not his partner. i like the thought of being friends and that was it. that is all. no romantic relationship or anything. i have no desire to do romantic things with him, i have no desire to evolve the friendship or anything, i don't even like him romantically.

for me, that was my discovery of platonic attraction. i knew i wanted to form a friendship, and that was it. nothing more. i think the biggest sign that i feel stromgly that i'm aro is that i don't remember having a crush and i don't feel the need to pursue a relationship with someone else. like once someone started to make flirty comment on me irl, i'm repulsed by it.

i honestly don't know how exactly to describe romance or romantic feelings, mainly because i only perceive romance through medias and not through myself. i become sure i don't feel romantic attraction because i know how it feels to have platonic attraction and aesthetic attraction. i just don't know how it feels to have romantic attraction because well, i don't experience that, how would i know tsksgdjsjs💀

a lot of my friends are in relationships and when i listen to their experiences of anything like that, i could not relate at all. sometimes i'm like "why and how do you guys feel that way" or like "do you HAVE to be in a relationship with them? is it even necessary? is there any difference between being their friends and partner?"

there are more varieties of relationships that could be formed with someone whom you regard as "more special". romantic relationship isn't the only relationship —there are queerplatonic relationship as well. for me, relationship is basically having your intimate needs to be met lol

i really understand the confusion and the feeling of alienation when facing a romantic relationship irl. we're stuck in a world where everyone is into someone and someone is into everyone. the best way that i could think of to deal with this confusion is for you to figure out what kind of attraction you're feeling towards someone you happen to be interested with, be it for any reason really—because at least you can be certain about how some attractions feel like.

[plurillean-confessions]

Anyways, 💞 sysian bullshit 💞 (<- said positively) that singlets probably wouldn't understand (<- said negatively).

Stuff where it is like. This is physically impossible in the outer world. Even if it was a feasible thing in the external world. We can't really imagine this working outside our system. So, sometimes, there's just the weirdest most batshit intersections we have ever seen because we are sysian.

Or like. WDK. We've just had some very VERY weird relationships to plural sexuality and probably should've known earlier than a few months ago we are sysian on a collective basis with some interesting plurillean plural4plural exceptions.

-----

For one specific sysian relationship, if anyone ever manages to understand it, considers it as just as valid as external world relationships, and then somehow asks "oh so how did you all actually get together" we know what we are (not) telling them —

[Okay, NGL we have one headmate here whose eyes must have been, like, modified somehow, because he literally has that thing where if he's feeling Things they do this thing where his pupils? strat blinking like white LED lights???

Amd it's kinda

Hot

*KEYSMASHING* ]

What was not mentioned is, aforementioned pupils also literally turn into heart shapes. We stg he is just doing it on purpose sometimes (read: definitely does it on purpose with the express purpose of getting partners to throw themselves at him, lol, we guess ot WORKS fwiw?) lol.

It's not even a hypnosis thing, not that this would even be needed considering at least two of them. keep going at it like goddamn rabbits jeezus christ WDK what it is

And we're not even sure if that would work with other headmates to be honest. We have yet to find literally anyone else who does this and does it well.

-----

Another example:

Pretty sure one system member is just flat out bisexual and technically falls under the plurillean umbrella instead of the sysian umbrella, but he's also around so little these days and that system isn't one we've talked to in awhile.

But like. Our Bungo Stray Dogs fictive literally gave someone a bisexual awakening by fucking around/kinda-shitposting on (unspecified social media) and not realizing they gave someone a bisexual awakening until they posted, literally, something along the lines of they had to pause. And stare at the post(s).

Said person was in a DIFFERENT system, and literally was like "so if I wanted to fight on another plane where we both had our actual fighting capabilities, not being restrained by this moral coil, is that bisexual????" and we just.

Goddamn Ryunosuke. 😭

-----

Even then it's like. We have only fucked each other. External world fucking is a NOPE for us (excepting Ryunosuke???? the world may never know). It's not even connected to anything (as far as we can tell), we just...wdk.

The most connection we might be able to make for that one is like, MAYBE autism sensory stuff and headmates in your own brain inherently know those boundaries better. And we have excellent communication intra-system in ways that just make stuff more intimate (you can't really consensually overlay each others' perceptions, of any sort, on top of each other if each of you is in a different brainbody).

You could blame this or that or the other thing but we just...don't have much of a motivation regarding the external world, and every reason we throw at the wall like a wet noodle doesn't stick, even the reasons we could expect to stick.

Like, we'll consider if someone asks us (romantic interaction only) and we know them well, but we still don't consider that aroace because headmates are people...

-----

The only other system we ever dated in the external world was a piece of shit (not sure if you were around following when we were grieving, or even regrieving, The Eras and the fact we had to initiate that breakup ourselves Mod Lepton? sorry using mobile hopefully that's the name) but the fact is, we dated somesys who we had known since middle school, and it turned out THEY were a system too, and we didn't know until we were dating them. Lolsob.

-----

TLDR, "we're only gay for each other" has way many, many layers to it, to the point that we don't even really know how comprehensible we're being right now. Oops.

The fact is we've only ever been pulled to ourselves, or, very rarely, other plural systems. We're not sure what to make of that, so we're going to plug the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure joke:

Stands and stand users are automatically drawn to other stands and stand users. 😂😭😭😭😂

!

[genderqueerdykes]

Hello, I was wondering if it's possible that I might be aroace? I never really cared when I broke up with people who I'd been dating for a long time, and never enjoyed sex, no matter who it was with. I just didn't like being in relationships other than platonic.

My issue is that I still have crushes on people, and the idea of romance, and sexual encounters are still exciting.

I like the idea of these relationships, but I don't like, them. Is that still aroace?

I still have gender preference, and I thought for the longest time that I was gay. Can I be both?

I dunno, I have a lot of questions.

hello!

it's okay to have a lot of questions- aromantic and asexual experiences can encompass a wide variety of things.

it is possible that you could be aroflux, aceflux, or both- meaning that you generally rest in the aromantic and asexual spectrums, but do have times where you have those feelings. some aromantic and asexual people describe their experiences like that, i have heard many aroace describe something similar

you could also be greyromantic and/or greysexual

aromantic people can still get crushes, and be romance favorable, and asexual people can still find sexual encounters thrilling or even seek them. for many aroace people, there is not a total lack of attraction, but rather attraction that differs from what the cisheteronromative understanding of "normal" levels of romantic and sexual attraction "should" be.

i am a relationship-favorable aromantic/greyromantic person, for example. i struggle to define my feelings, i came out as aromantic in 2015 and while i can't say that i fall in romantic love with people, i do fall in love with some people and sort of "pack bond" in a way that is more intense than a "normal" friendship, but I struggle with certain parts of romance like kissing, verbal praise/admissions of love, etc.

there are lots of experiences that fall under these umbrellas and youare more than welcome to ask more questions as needed! feel free to stop by again, good luck in figuring things out!

[writing-is-a-martial-art]

hello. do you have any helpful resources for understanding asexuality? been trying to figure things out for a very long time and the more I read about it the less I understand

Hello!

Ooh boy, I might be actually completely unhelpful in your endeavors. My experience with asexuality has mostly been vibing with the community hard enough long enough that I decided to stop doubting if I Really Truly Belong™ and just try the label and see where it takes me, I haven't done a lot of proper research on the subject, mostly just what I've gathered through cultural osmosis.

I would suggest going through r/ace or the ace/asexual tags right here on Tumblr and seeing if you vibe with what you're seeing, but I know that what worked for me won't necessarily work for everyone.

Another thing that helped it "click" for me is the split attraction model, separating romantic attraction from platonic from sexual from aesthetic from sensual. I did look up resources for that and I think this article describes it pretty well. Here's a table from the article I feel gives the barebones feeling of what the model actually is:

[ID: A table that is divided into three columns: Type of Attraction, Definitions, Associated Crush Type.

The first type of attraction listed sexual. It's definition is "A desire to have sexual contact with a particular person". The associated crush type is listed as Smush.

Second attraction type: Romantic. Definition: A desire to have a romantic relationship or contact with a particular person. Crush type: Crush

Third attraction type: Platonic. Definition: A desire to have a platonic relationship with a specific person. Crush type: Squish

(Note: Because this type of attraction is so broadly defined, it is frequently used to describe everything from Plushes to friend crushes and you will sometimes see it used in place of other more specific types of attraction.)

Fourth attraction type: Aesthetic. Definition: When someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person, in a way that is disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction. Crush type: Swish.

Fifth attraction type: Sensual. Definition: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way (ex: hugging, cuddling, hand holding). Crush type: Lush.

Sixth attraction type: Queer Platonic. Definition: The desire to have a queerplatonic relationship with a specific person. Crush type: Plush/Squash

Seventh attraction type: Alterous. Definition: A sort of gray area between platonic and romantic attraction. It's defined as wanting emotional closeness without necessarily being platonic &/or romantic. Crush type: Mesh /end ID]

I didn't really look into crush types before this, but the definitions are pretty spot on. Some people only experience two or more at once, like sensual + romantic or sexual + platonic, some can experience all/most types of attraction separately. For me romantic and aesthetic attractions usually come together, as well as platonic and sensual, but I can also experience platonic/queerplatonic attraction without experiencing any other type, and I don't really experience sexual attraction, hence why I use the ace label. You might already know all this, but I'm just trying to share what I've got.

Another rundown of common things there's a good chance you already know but won't hurt to repeat:

There's sex neutral aces who don't mind sex and sex-positive aces who like the sensation, what defines asexuality is the experience of attraction.

Asexuality is a spectrum, there's demi/greysexuals and aceflux/acefluid experiences, basically if you only feel attraction under very specific circumstances/only some of the time, you do fall under the ace umbrella and can choose to identify as ace if you want to.

Asexual and aromantic experiences are separate things but they do have some overlap - I'm an arospec ace and I do use the aroace label as well as identifying as gay. There's peeps who are ace without being aro and aro without being ace, so if that's something you feel you vibe with, you may wanna look into that.

There's also no harm in trying labels, if you do something for a while and figure it's not your thing, that's great too, it means you're figuring yourself out. Ultimately it comes down to what you feel like on the inside and what labels you feel and don't feel like using. Some old-school peeps who experience no attraction choose to use the bi label, stating that they do experience attraction to all genders equally, that attraction being none or very little. Quite a few folks that might be classified as ace choose to go unlabeled. There are fancy official definitions for labels but in the end it does come down to you and your experience, you are the cat with infinite boxes laid before you and you can choose whichever you vibe with or ignore them altogether.

I'm sorry I couldn't provide many resources outside of my personal rambles, but I hope this is at least somewhat helpful. I'll tag this with the asexual/ace tags so that if someone has any good resources they could leave 'em in the notes. Good luck figuring yourself out! Go at whatever pace is comfortable for you and take care.

[ridleyytheriddler]

im suuuper bored rn and in a mood to write so! rant! yay!

first thing i wanted to rant about - my sexual orientation (:

im ace, period. i know that for a fact. at least I'm somewhere on the spectrum, maybe demisexual? but I'm not sure, I'm not really diving into microlabels.

romantic orientation is an ENTIRELY different story...

had a crush on a boy in 3rd/4th grade, back when (i thought) i was a cishet girl. liked him until like 5th grade when my feelings sort of faded away. now, i was virtual schooled through 5th and 6th so i didn't really like anyone in sixth grade but i spent a lot of time exploring queerness in general- like my nonbinary awakening happened sometime in like January/February of 2022 (though i did first label myself as a demigirl, it still falls under the enby umbrella).

i entered seventh grade as a closeted aroace enby and went through about 3/4 of the year without any major crushes (i had a platonic interest in a boy that i misinterpreted as a crush). i didn't really label my romantic attraction because i didn't need to.

however, as the end of the school year approached, i started feeling uncomfortable. i wanted to know who i was, and the only valid part of my identity had been my asexuality, since i knew that i liked a boy in the past so how could i be aro? i was drowning in a whirlpool of invalidation and not feeling queer enough.

so, i go to the first camp of the year, a writing camp, filled with TONS of queer people. i loved it there, but seeing so many people around me, sure of their identities, made me die more inside.

sooo, a couple days after i was accused of flirting with my friend (who happened to be a boy), i "discovered" i liked a girl. she was pretty, she was smart, she was blonde, she was sporty. i texted her a lot (even after camp was over). i put hearts around her contact name. but "liking" her didn't feel thrilling and it didn't feel happy. to put it simply, it felt like a fucking punishment. talking to her made me feel like i wasn't enough.

so after going through about a month of emotional turmoil and dying inside and bragging to my friends about how i liked a girl, i headed to my first sleepaway camp of the summer, a church camp, ironically enough. and THERE. THERE i fell. not in love, but probably the realest crush i'd had. there weren't really butterflies, so to speak, but if you looked at a picture with the two of us in it, you would see me gazing at her (lets call her M) with literal heart eyes. we'd started quietly chatting while our mutual friends were off doing other stuff, and ended up bonding with each other despite how the only thing we shared was our introverted-ness. and I'm not even that introverted. we're polar opposites. we still text each other almost every day, and i had hopes she liked me back, aaaaaaaaand she doesn't but. here comes part two of my rant.

my crush doesn't like me.

and i don't even feel the tiniest bit sad about it.

this is probably the most confused i've ever been. i know i like her. maybe it's because her "rejection" was so soft it didn't even feel like one. i don't know. it's complicated, but my best friend had been cheering me on to tell her, so i did. and i was honestly divided as to whether she liked me or not- at times she acted like she did but other times she didn't. honestly, i think I'm just hopeful that she likes me

anyway thats not the point-

so. after writing this THERAPUTIC post, i have discovered that:

i am aroace and proud 🧡💛🤍🩵💙

im nonbinary (and proud, but I've known that for a while)

I'm confused

but I'm 100% queer. whether I'm lesbian or straight or bi or something, i am queer! and I'm tired of feeling invalidated by being compared to the people out there who are out and proud with all their labels. i don't need to be exactly like them to be queer and be myself.

to put it poetically, "our friendship is worth more than being in any relationship." I'm going to write a poem about that now. good night yall <3 or even good morning/afternoon.

[rustyarcade]

I said this on Twitter but I’m SO TIRED of people saying “Actually Wednesday shouldn’t be with Enid cuz she should be AroAce so she should be alone”

…

Y’all know you can be AroAce and still be a lesbian right??? Cuz being AroAce is (say it with me now, kids) ✨a spectrum✨

I, for example, am AroAce, but I am also identify with the term biromantic. I use aromantic as a label because I hardly have any actual romantic attraction to anyone. I find it hard to be attracted to ANYONE romantically, but if I do, it’s with men and women and nonbinary people.

I can look at a character and “fall in love them”, but if I met the real life equivalent, I probably wouldn’t feel any sort of attraction except for aesthetic attraction and/or platonic attraction (unless certain conditions are met that even I haven’t figured out yet). And like I said aromanticism and asexual are umbrella terms used to describe spectrums. You should check out all the neat micro labels that we aromantics and asexuals have it’s insane! I personally identify the most with arospike, but that’s besides the point.

I think people who ship Wenclair as a queer platonic relationship are so cool and awesome! And of course, you can Headcanon her as however you’d like to! I’m not stopping anyone! Romance repulsed aromantic Wednesday is great! But you can headcanon Wednesday as AroAce and still have her be in a romantic relationship with Enid :) She’d just be lesbianaroace!

[nicolashrooms]

for example, I felt way more comfortable stating I was asexual than aromantic. I think that's because they plant the idea in kids heads that you grow up find a partner and have kids.

whenever I'd imagine my future life it was always living in a house with all of my friends, and then a spouse was an afterthought.

I would think about how we'd sort out rooms in my future house and go "oh and also I guess my spouse would share a room with me, perhaps we could have bunk beds !!" which wasn't a very allo thing of me to do tbh-

my point is I've always kinda known I didn't want to get married (I said to my mother I'd wear a white hoodie and white jeans to my wedding-) but I always figured I'd find someone eventually, and that one day I would just grow up and find somebody.

That I'd feel these feelings I was told I should be feeling.

My friend groups as a kid consisted of mainly boys, they would run around and play in the mud or sit inside and play Pokémon battles, so I never really got asked if I had a crush on anyone.

When I got into high school, I felt a strong bond towards two of my closest friends at the time. I thought "Oh no, is it finally happening? Am I feeling romantic attraction??"

Turns out no.

They were just my absolute best friends who I wanted to hang out with constantly, and just because I thought they had pretty faces didn't mean I was romantically attracted to them.

I soon found out after a couple of years that (after a LOT of sex jokes from me) I was asexual.

I would often joke about sex and all if that junk, but I found out that just because you enjoy masturbating, doesn't mean you enjoy sex.

I then realised that (I'm an afab) I hate even the thought of a penis, and hate the idea of semen even more. I was kind of indifferent about vaginas because I myself have a vagina, but I came to The conclusion that, just because I had one myself, that doesn't mean I wish to come into contact with one.

So at this point I had figured out I was asexual, and felt comfortable telling my friends, because we often talk about gender and sexuality and such because we were all part of the community.

I had identified myself as pan because I had no preference for any gender, because no attraction at all must equal no preference right guys?

Anyway, I was at a friends house for their birthday, and I was one of the people who was asked to sleep over. They had 2 of their friends from before I even knew them staying over as well.

We watched movies late into the night, and then as we were watching beetlejuice (the 1988 movie) I was talking to my friend about whether or not I might be aromantic as well.

They told me to think of things that are considered romantic things to do, like kissing.

I did imagine this, and felt absolutely disgusted.

Like a shivers down my spine ew sort of thing.

I found out that night that I was aroace, first it was joy that I had finally found my label, then the crushing feeling that I was never going to find a spouse and have a wedding. Then I realised I didn't have to have a wedding (everyone always talks about how they're so expensive).

I figured if I was to get married it'd be to my best friend (one of the ones I had mentioned before) and I was okay with that.

Now that time feels like an eternity ago, and I'm very happy with my aroace label. I find joy in the aroace community of tumblr, I see so many experiences both similar and dissimilar to mine. It's so wonderful to see all these people so different yet all fall under one umbrella term, one singular label. The human race is so diverse in their experiences and emotions, and I think that's beautiful.

I hope all of you who read this to the very end found this at least a little helpful or entertaining, and I hope you all have a wonderful day !!

dedicated to one of the best aroace safe places on tumblr, @aroacesafeplaceforall

I hope you like my post dude :)

we're literally brainwashed to believe teenagers can't label themselves as aro/ace because "you're maybe too young to have crushes" when it's literally the age when hormones are like yk, if you don't get it as a teenager you probably just won't get it, or "you're too young to decide that, you'll probably change your mind anyways" you don't have to have your whole life complete to be able to label yourself as aro/ace, also, sexuality is fluid ! you can label yourself as aroace now and maybe later you don't feel as comfortable with the label as you did before and it's alright!!!

[aro-wan]

Hi!! Just saw your blog and wanted to say that no, if I remember correctly, he never explicitly stated his sexuality. I always hc that he is attracted to pretty and talented people lmao, bc Blaine was both pretty and talented, and I always took the little playful head nod to Rachel in the “I want u back” deleted scene as another, pretty and talented people is what he likes sorta deal. But again, there wasn’t any explicit confirmation so I think it’s safe to hc whatever. Hope that helps!

Hi!! I didn't think he came out and said it either. I've been thinking about how the framing shows that Seb is all about sex and living while he's young (yes, that was on purpose) and how that doesn't really give us a lot about his character. I also think it's kinda funny how this is supposed to be "bad" when Seb does it but not when Noah does it (which is an entirely different kind of bad since he's a minor or barely an adult getting with much older women but I digress).

Anyway! I've been thinking about how Seb could be one of three things. (1) Seb could be bi/pan/(another of similar theme) as you point out. This could also be noticed in the "sexual tension" between Santana and Sebastian in "Smooth Criminal", which I think can exist even if they both swing opposite ways because acting and getting into the song are things. (2) Seb is "gold star gay" and doesn't use SAM and is into men. (3) Seb does use SAM and identifies as aromantic as well as either of the above options.

As someone who is aroace and doesn't really see how monogamy is supposed to work long term, I think Seb could easily fall into the aro umbrella, especially with the way he is written in a lot of fics. Aromantics experience little to no romantic attraction, and the way I've found him in a lot of fics is where he has only experienced this attraction towards Blaine, which is nice as a trope of sorts, but I feel like it fails Seb on a level to not address this. Does he not date anyone else because he isn't attracted to them and doesn't see the point in a relationship with them? Does he try dating but feel like it's just a friendship with more work that isn't fulfilling enough to keep up? Does he try dating but feel guilty/bad that the other is more "into" or feeling "more" about him than he them?

[When I tried my two brief relationships, I felt guilty because they were a lot more "into" me than I them. I don't experience romantic attraction, so I don't really know how someone would feel about only feeling these feelings for one person. This is my extrapolation.]

Anywho, thank you for responding! <3

[lesbiansforboromir]

so “a man after the sort of king Eärnur” is one way to winkwink-nudgenudge about someone being gay or aroace in Gondor. what might be some others?

-Asked by @catadromously Answer: Admittedly I would say ‘a man after the sort of king Earnur of old’ is likely more very specific to gay men. As far as aroace folk go in Gondor, it’s a known and accepted practice to just never get married and there are various rituals and lifestyle changes you can make to kinda signify that that’s your intention that are considered honourable and understood by most. ‘Not wanting a wife’ is less meaningful than ‘like King Earnur of old’ in the context of what the sentence is telling us. So I’d say there wouldn’t be any specifically aroace hinting because, especially aro’s, would face general culture wide erasure. It would be shocking to consider someone couldn’t fall in love. 

I think the kinds of struggles aroace Gondorians would find is in the heavily prevalent ‘romance idolisation’ of Gondor. Whilst it’s perfectly accepted to choose not to marry, the idea of not being ABLE to have romantic feelings probably fucks with a lot of people but tends to be very invisible to Gondorian society as a whole. But, as ever and in general, the common trauma across the entire queer spectrum in Gondor is structured around pity and a rejection of the ‘sympathy’ which queers associate with damaging medicalisation of their identities etc etc tHIS GOT DARKER THAN I MEANT IT I’ve just been thinking a lot- ANYWAY. 

Hints about such things have to be VERY couched by a lot of other possible interpretations. Gondorian society just is!! Very!! It’s very prudish about really even the CONCEPT of sexuality, let alone the idea that it could be directed towards ‘unsuitable’ areas. 

BUT LETS START WITH THE BASICS! All manner of queers come under the general umbrella of being ‘ill-fated’ in Gondor. This is not an exclusive label and many other things can be called ‘ill-fated’ without it having queer connotations but it’s a little add on that you can stick onto the end of other sentences that can veer an understanding in the right direction. Ill-fated here has a more personal and weighted meaning, since Gondorians have a concept of a person’s ‘fate’, that fate can be corrupted or bestowed wrongly and influences your whole life and, most particularly, your romantic life. 

People are supposed to all have soulmates and marriage for any reason other than love is unthinkable, because you have a fated person! However if that fated person is somehow ‘unsuitable’ then you are ‘ill-fated’. It denotes something tragic about your destiny and spirit and also has a kind of suggestion that you can drag other people down around you. Hence people who are ‘ill-fated’ have a mixture of pity and fear directed their way. 

THIS GOT DARK AGAIN. SORRY. IMPORTANT CONTEXT. So, for gay men, one might say things like ‘he settled well to the sea life, but I fear an ill wind took him there’ or ‘the army welcomed him too easily, I hope his doom takes him to fairer paths’ or if you want to REALLy toe the line ‘he wants to be lead to the river’ with the lesbian equivolent of ‘she won’t be lead to the river’ is as gay innuendo as you can get in Gondor and EVEN THEN it still has a main meaning of ‘the guy isn’t confident/the girl is headstrong in love’ etc. (this is because a boy leading a girl to a river is the initiation in courting, dont worry dont worry I’ll get to it, it’ll have a post)

There’s also various references to a man ‘getting on well’ with the rohirrim. Since I’m circling the idea that the rohirrim have a kind of... twisty... ‘men with men is ok, happens with soldiers all the time but also don’t bottom, dont fall in love and just try to machete your way through this toxic masculinity thicket why dont you’. And there are CERTAINLY references to specific characters in various popular plays as well as songs and other historical figures other than Earnur that are associated with gay folk. However that would require me to write those songs and plays and I’m GETTING TO IT! I’m getting to it. I am.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

A probably difficult ask (that is difficult for me to write: I'm having problems regarding figuring out my sexuality. I wonder if i'm aro ace because i do not experience the attraction the way other people describe it but i will sometimes get small crushes on people, i experience arousal while watching other people do sexual stuff.. i just don't know if i experience attraction per se? And quite honestly i feel like I'm missing out on something. I really want to want to have sex and romance (1.)

as part of my life and thinking tat i’m ace kinda triggered a nervous breakdown and depression relapse for me tis autumn. I know that being ace/aro is normal stuff and i absolutely support everyone It absolutely doesn’t make anyone lesser person, that’s not the problem for me It’s just.. weird because I always felt a need for this to be a part of my life but never actually ended up feeling this towards another person. And it’s really stressful when I think about my future in light of this.

hey sweetie, i’m so fucking sorry it took me so long to get together the cognitive spoons to answer this. in part, that was because it’s difficult for me to give answers to you when they’re things i still struggle with myself.

first of all, in terms of the exactness of your labels: what you describe sounds like being gray-aro (like gray-ace, mostly aromantic but very occasionally or very mildly experience romantic attraction) or aroflux (where your aromanticism fluctuates) and what’s called autochorissexuality, “A disconnection between oneself and the object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the activities therein.“

If those labels or ones like them sound right to you, then that’s great, and you can still call yourself aroace if that’s what you want to do. All the varieties on aro and ace labels belong under the aro and ace umbrellas, even if they’re not “full” aro or ace.

I wish that i could give you such easy and definitive answers on how to mentally and emotionally come to terms with being aroace. in all sincerity, i don’t know how to make total peace with that. i also always wanted to fall in love, to get married and have a fulfilling sex life, and while in adulthood i find myself somewhat to extremely repulsed by the idea of dating and having sex, there still feels like there’s an emptiness where i wish that relationship could be. 

i don’t know how much of that is social conditioning and how much is really me; i don’t know if i actually would be happy in that relationship if i had it or i would end up hating it because i’m not built for it, no matter what i wish. i don’t know if i’ll grow out of wanting that or if i’m going to have to live with that wanting the rest of my life. i don’t know if i’ll end up finding someone who fits that empty part of my life in an unconventional way, a way that works for both of us in a unique fashion, or if i won’t.

i wish i knew, for me and you. i wish i could make you promises and tell you everything will work out just fine and you’ll be happy and never feel unfulfilled. i can tell you that i know there are many other a-spec people out there who’ve figured out relationships that work for them, some of them devoid of romance or sex and some of them working out a way to incorporate those things into the relationship even when they don’t feel attraction themselves. there are many a-spec people who’ve found happy relationships with other a-spec people, and many who’ve found happy relationships with allos who genuinely love and support them and don’t pressure them for anything they don’t want.

i don’t have that, but i do have a wonderful queer-platonic partner who fills several parts of that role, who loves me and supports me. and it does hurt less, with time. i don’t think about it as much. it’s still there, but not as sharply as it used to be.

you don’t need to have this all sorted out right now. even if you know exactly what your labels are (though they can change over time), this is a big thing to cope with, and it’s okay to just let yourself process it for a while. it will take time to figure out what you really feel and what’s been indoctrinated into you (that you have to have romance, that you have to have sex), what is really attraction and what isn’t. it’s complicated, and messy, and difficult. that’s okay.

you also don’t have to be happy about it right now. you’re not being aphobic or an asshole if you have to grieve the life you wanted to have, the life that doesn’t seem possible anymore. you can struggle with this, and wish it wasn’t what you are. just don’t cling to those feelings, don’t put yourself down or blame yourself or call yourself wrong. you’re different, you’re not wrong.

do me a favor, okay? talk to other aces and aros, read their words, watch their videos, ask them questions. most of us have to deal with some version of these feelings, and lots of us have found ways to be happy, even if it’s not what they expected. you’re not alone here, and you need to connect to the community.

aroace isn’t a life sentence to loneliness. it doesn’t mean you can’t have relationships that make you happy, or a life that makes you happy. don’t give up, alright? you’re going to sort things out, i promise. keep breathing.

[ayy-spec]

Anything to Add?

The final question in this survey was a write-in section for people to leave any additional comments. 113 people responded.

Important/Particularly Interesting Comments

• I hope this goes well for you because you seem nice and if you have any advice for new to the community 15 year olds like me, don't be afraid to share because I'm trying to embrace my sexuality as much as possible but it can be hard when I don't know where to go or turn to to find what I'm supposed to do and where to ask questions and just fully embrass this part of me and it can be hard when I don't even know many if any aspecs so representation is great and it is helpful to hear your experiences and how you handle certain parts, so just keep doing what your doing because it is making a difference [note: ����🥺😭]

• i often consider myself more as just aroace rather than aro and ace seperately so i prefer seeing the blue and orange aroace flag over the individual aro and ace flags

• I don't really shorten my identity often with aroace, only when im feeling very romance repulsed and its been a while since I felt romantic attraction. I am a pan-demiromantic asexual. My pan label makes me feel more connected to the lgbt+ community bc it feels like my nonbinary and intersex status doesn't count either. I know I belong in the queer community, but the lgbt+ community is so sexual orientation focused.

• Thank you for having a wide variety of labels to choose from in the options!! I don't see the term aegoromantic very often on things, it feels nice to be known I guess haha

• Thank you for this, i recently started thinking about being in arospec and it was so relieving, all this time i thought something was wrong or maybe i was broken. I'm still trying to learn more about it, and I'm grateful for people willing to teach and help

• didn't realize I hadn't experienced sexual attraction until I finally did and was like "OH, no wonder all my other relationships felt like I was playing pretend"

• I dont often tell people I'm gray aroace. Not because of shame or it not being "as important" (I'm a gay trans dude) but I think because I just feel its a very intimate part of myself, as well as my romanticism and sexuality (in terms of like asexuality) feeling as though it doesn't always need a label. I'm fine just being myself most of the time, a lot of labels can be tricky for myself I think. I'm happy the label exists nonetheless though because Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

• I'm queer! But if I'm getting down to the bones of it, I'm pan/ace. Still relearning how to be proud of that, after The Grand Clusterfuck years back.

• even though I would be considered to have an alloromantic orientation, alloace isn't really a term I feel any strong connection or attachment to

• i'd like to add that i do consider myself alloaro and use that label openly but i'd also not consider myself 100% allosexual. i'm questioning my sexuality but even if i do end up feeling more solidly ace-spec i'd still use the alloaro label

• Idk who else does this or if this is interesting enough to write down, but I thought I would! I use Aroace as a label. Other, smaller labels inside that would probably fit me better! Aroace feels too big, like it doesn't *really* define exactly who I am. But at the same time, I prefer using it because more people know what Aroace means (at least compared to myrromantic and myrsexual). I use Aroace so the public can define me. I don't typically use it around my close friends 'cause they already know my idiosyncrasies and where I really am. They already made their own definitions for me, so I don't have to make one for them!

• I'm still figuring myself out, so I leave myself at the blanket terms and hopefully everything'll work out in the end

The rest of the responses are below:

Comments Alerting Me About Typos (that I was then able to resolve)

• There's a typo in your "sexual orientation labels" question, because you have Aroflux listed and not Aceflux, but I didn't want to confuse things so I put Aceflux (which I do use) under Other. I also am polysexual (I flux between polysexual and asexual but I am always aegosexual) but didn't know if I should but it under Other anywhere since it's not an acespec label. I consider my polysexuality tied to me being aego/aceflux though, which is why I mention it here.

• the sexual orientations options are the same of the romantic ones ( for example, there's arovague and arospike in the sexual cathegory)

People Clarifying/Expounding Upon Their Own Identity/Experiences

·  to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

• I’m still a confused gorl and I really only know that I don’t like sex it sexual acts but I do like romantic and sensual acts

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• I'm also animesexual and fictosexual (and romantic I guess but I don't like using the SAM for myself).

• I have never seen most of these labels, haha, I expect one of them is the one I always forget that's for being aro due to past trauma but people always assume it's romantic/sexual trauma so I don't use it and thus have forgotten it...but that's the essay I'm not usually up for writing: was biromantic but then had several awful life events on top of each other and had a complete breakdown and have been aro since. Unclear if it's permanent but it's been 14 years now. [note: I believe this person is thinking of caedromantic]

• I tend to use the word ace more than asexual because it's shorter, but I don't feel more favorably about one than the other.

• i can't tell the difference between platonic vs romantic attraction, and am unsure if people i have "liked" in the past was romantic, platonic, or a fake stemming from peer pressure.

• Also Gender-Neutral/Agender

• I’m gray-aro but identify more with being biromantic even though I know I’m aro-spec. As for sexual orientation, I’m just completely ace xD

• The fact I'm still trying to figure out my gender makes it harder to pinpoint exactly what my orientations are :( but I usually say I'm queer, and if it's safe: Bi Ace, and if I can get more specific: biromantic grey-asexual

• I also use a platonic label (biplatonic). I use it not in a friendship way, but more like in a QPR way.

• Thank you for doing this! My identity on the aro/ace spectrums has shifted a lot over the years and while I’ve just settled on aroace and queer for the most part, this community is so diverse and under appreciated. People who find joy in/identify with micro-identities are valid and deserve representation!

• I'm still figuring out my romantic orientation but it's looking less allo by the day lmao

• My romantic label is very fluid, but in terms of sexual labels, very sex repulsed Asexual

• Content with just Aspec cause it's difficult to pinpoint anything but cool with both asexual/ace and aromantic/aro

• I think of my romantic orientation as halfway between aromantic and homoromantic

• I'm a polyamorous ace, if there'd be a way to include that sometimes that'd be neat :)

• I am still questioning my identity

• I used to identify as 100% ace but now I have no idea other than that I seem to be pan-ace in some way shape or form so my identity is ???people???

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

Queer Rights

• Trans rights, baybee 🤠🦂

• I just hope a-spec and aro-spec people will experience less negativity and hate this year <3

• Aspec rights!!

• aspec rights, baby

People Being Nice to Me  (I appreciated this thank you everyone!!)

·  :)

• Have a good day

• Uhhh, cool survey, nice to see a lot of labels.... good job! Nothing I have to add, it was great

• Have fun chief, thank you for your work

• Thank you for creating!

• thanks for the survey! I don't know too many aspec in person so I love participating in things like this about the ace/aro community!

• Thank you for what you’re doing

• just hi :)

• thanks!!

• I really love your blog! Reading your posts always makes me happy :) [note: thank you!]

• Good luck, have a nice day !

• I hope you're having a good day :)

• you're lived and valid af!! have a great day!!!

• Thank you for all your hard work i really appreciate it ☺️

• Drink some water Right Now OP

• Nope, :> hope the best for you.

• Cool survey, 10/10 would survey again.

• 💛

• Have a nice day uwu

• Nope! Have a nice day!

• Thank you for making pride flag edits! They're really nice! [note: thank you!!]

• nope, but this is really cool!!

• ❤️

• Have a good day.

• I think this survey idea is super cool! Definitely a great way to see what sort of aspec people are on tumblr :)

• You are doing the lords work

• Thank you for asking us.

• good luck!

• This is really cute idea :)

• I hope you're having a nice day!

• Good luck in your endevours!

• Thank you for making our community visible!

• Have a good day :3

• Have a good day!!

• Keep doing great stuff!

• Thank you for all the positivity I get from your blog! It's super helpful, keep it up :) [note: thank you!!]

• thanks for doing this. recognition is always nice

• Have fun <3

• Lots of love 💛

• This is a cool project, thanks for doing it and good luck! :)

People Saying They Love Me (and I love you, random a-specs)

·  i love you OP!!!!!

• love you, hope you have a great day

An A-Spec Person Being Rude to Other A-Specs

• If you enjoy sex with your romantic partner then you are not asexual

A Person Who Is Not A-Spec Being Rude To A-Specs

• sweetie im sorry that you're so insecure that you feel like you have to make up new identities to feel better about yourself. if you are a lesbian or bisexual please know that you are welcome in the community, but other than that making thousands of microlabels like this makes a huge joke out of what was once an important and respected group. nobody takes us seriously anymore because of this shit. does labelling your identity like this really help you with anything? demisexual and fraysexual and all this are just fancy words for normal human feelings that everyone has. there is no need to microlabel it.

Other

· [variations of “no” (12)]

• not sure that helps lmao but still hope it does. all the best

• Axolotls (or as I like to call them, asexulotls) are amazing and I love them [Note: the man in question]

• Sorry, I can't remember the names of any blogs that do edits

• Ok random but the colors of the aro/ace flag? The blue and orange one? They’re gorgeous.

• I'm not so sure if I should use the aroace flag, I feel comfortable using both aro and ace flags, but I don't like the colors for the aroace flag :c [note: these are in chronological order, it’s a total coincidence that these comments are together]

• Curious to see where the survey goes

• It would be cool if you could also do some aplatonic-spectrum edits!

• there were fully half of the terms on that list that i had never even seen before. like, everything below litho down to no label was entirely new to me. at some point i will look into those! (but not right now, my brain is full enough at the moment)

• actually had to look up the majority of these orientations. Thank you for the opportunity to learn!

• Gonna reblog and follow and hopefully learn a bit more, about others and myself

Note: The only comment that is not listed in order is the first comment, which I put at the top because I found it the most important. It’s so important that kids and teens have space to explore their identity and learn about themselves. The reason I made this blog in the first place was because I was 19 and working on figuring out my gender and sexuality. Now that I’m a bit older and understand things better, I’m so glad that I’m able to help people in this way. 

I make it a point to be very openly queer in my life and at work because I need LGBTQ+ people, especially youths, to know that we’re here. I’m lucky that I live somewhere that I can be visibly queer and speak about it openly. We are everywhere, and there’s more of us than you think!

Something that I really like about the comments at the top is that they show how diverse we are, and how people use words differently. Some people feel like they’re more aroace than aromantic and asexual separately, and others consider their romantic and sexual orientations to be completely different things.

I definitely relate to the person who identifies are myrromantic and myrsexual with their friends but just says aroace when speaking with people they don’t know as well. I believe a lot of people use different words depending on who they’re speaking with.

[templeofshame]

If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is gray-ace? Sorry if it’s too invasive of a question but something I’ve struggled with since I was young was my complete lack of desire to be in any kind of romantic relationship. I’m completely able to be attracted to people of all genders, but I really don’t want anything to do with them romantically and sexually. Would that be considered ace..?

I use gray-ace as a sort of gray area on the ace spectrum; I don’t know exactly what my deal is, but I know it’s complex and not fully allosexual and at this point in my life, I’m comfortable accepting some ambiguity for the most part. And gray-ace is easier than having a lengthy conversation about what I feel and don’t feel, when I largely don’t know.

I think a hard thing is figuring out what type of attraction is happening when you’re “attracted to people of all genders” (this is also a situation I’m in). If you don’t want to do anything with them romantically and sexually, that could mean you’re aromantic and asexual and that the attraction you feel is aesthetic, or platonic, or queerplatonic, or I don’t even know what else. For me, I have a hard time understanding the lines, and I personally think it’s possible to be attracted in a way and yet not want to do anything about it, which, for me personally, makes it harder for me to say whether or not I’ve experienced specific types of attraction. And knowing what I want is generally hard for me anyway.

So: if it’s clear to you that you don’t experience romantic or sexual attractions and that your attractions are something else, you might be aroace, if that feels like a good label for you. It seems likely that you’re somewhere on the ace and aro spectrums, anyway. And it’s okay not to know exactly where you fall. Labels can be useful, but they tend to oversimplify things, and sometimes it’s nice to just explore your own complexity without them (and maybe have an umbrella term or something ‘close enough’ to tell people when you don’t want to have a whole heart-to-heart).

I hope that helps and of course, that’s just how I’ve dealt with these things. You do you!

[wewalkadifferentpath]

Ace-friendly SH Fics: Masterlist

Alrighty folks so strap in, here is the first round of my ace-friendly Shadowhunters fic rec list! It’s so hard to have to navigate fics that should have a canon asexual character, always just vaguely expecting disappointment (cough Raphael). So. All of the fics on this list are ace-friendly in some way or another, whether it’s tagged/talked about or even intended by the author or not- they do NOT invalidate Raphael’s asexuality (using the definition of asexuality as not experiencing sexual attraction, irrespective of feelings toward sex. And while this list does have some aroace!Raphael, it is specifically for ace!Raphael)  This’ll cover everything from ace-friendly smut for my smut-inclined friends (meaning Raphael is not sex-repulsed in those, but still ace) to platonic/solo stuff for those of my friends who are less romance-inclined. I also threw in some headcannons of other SH characters. Let me know what you all think! (Things not under the “smut” category do not have any written descriptions of sex to the best of my memory and brief scan-throughs, but please let me know if there’s something in the general list that should be under smut). If you’re strongly sex-repulsed please use your usual discretion. (And everyone just please read the tags in general).   One final note: keep in mind that this is just a collection of fics that are supportive of asexuality. While these are fics I personally enjoyed/read often, this list is not an endorsement of all aspects of the content (ie. the way other identities are handled, etc.) This list is meant to account for different tastes, just with the bonus relief of knowing asexuality is there. So, here we go! 

(I’m ridiculous and can’t do regular summaries; my comments on each rec- if any- are in the brackets): 

Saphael (without direct mention of asexuality but still unequivocally respecting it):

The Heart of An Adventurer by DustinMcDreamy 

Skyrim/Dark Ages AU: Simon is a simple tavern worker, but he wants more than his boring life. An adventurer stays the night at their Inn and Simon is enamored with both the adventurer and his wonderful life. 

(so this is a lovely person who I’ve been collaborating with and they are honestly such an ally and their stories are wonderful, this one is probably my favourite but you can check out their page for other stuff)

put the boom boom into my heart by idontshaveforsher_yesyoudo

"Or maybe something like soulmates always sneeze at the same time and I cant be sure but me and this kid in my French class just sneezed at the same time are we soulmates or was it a coincidence (proceed w character trying to make themselves sneeze around said person to see what’s what)"

or, the one where simon hates his life and Mr. Immaculate Hair doesn't make it better, until he does

Forgotten at Dusk by halfmast Simon finds Raphael wandering around Manhattan barefoot - things go downhill (uphill?) from there.

(So I think this is the only one I’ve included that’s an unfinished WIP and is also NOT explicitly laid out as asexual- because I can’t guarantee it won’t change in later chapters. It also has one chapter left and hasn’t updated in a while so if that rattles you, don’t touch. But it’s beautifully written and sweet and a neat concept, and so far doesn’t contradict asexuality!)

before I ever met you by izzyasavestheday (stilessexual) “I’m missing something,” Simon went on, voice cracking. “I’m missing someone but no matter how hard I try I just can’t fucking remember.”

Can you find me someone to love? by domoiswatchingyou

They all have one thing in common: they are all bad at love, even when some of them love to deny it. (Saphael and Malec AU WIP) (And I gotta say guys, I beta for this lovely person- and thus actually have a hand in writing the ace parts- and they are a wonderful individual. Asexuality not mentioned as of yet but will be upcoming). 

baby, I’m not made of stone by izzyasavestheday (stilessexual)

“Did I ever tell you that we feel everything? The clan, I mean. If I focus enough, I can tell you who’s sad and who’s angry and who hasn’t been sleeping properly. I can tell you who’s been having nightmares. There are no secrets here.”

i'd spend all nine lives with you by alaricrodriguez

simon gets himself turned into a kitten and raphael can't find his fledgling

(this is just little and cute and there’s no explicit effort made to make Raph ace but I guess I’m kind of cheating since it’s from Simon’s POV and doesn’t come up at all but it’s not contradicted and I love this fic so)

echo series by izzyasavestheday (stilessexual) “Right,” Raphael brought himself to his feet, smooth as anything. “Let’s go.” Simon gapped up at him, “Go where?” Raphael rolled his eyes, impressively, (like he didn’t care, like he didn’t care about Simon, but he was here and they both knew neither of them could ever stop caring no matter how much they continued to hurt one another) and heaved a spectacular sigh. “Home.” -

Saphael (ft. actual conversations about asexuality/the word is spoken):

Somebody out there by mckvch (RaiseYourVoice)

(Road trip fic, which is classic of course. PLEASE read the tags. Could be interpreted as demi/gray ace but I identify as just ace and it fits me just fine. This is one of the first fics I read coming into this fandom, and the first one that made me fall in love with Saphael, and it’s got an insanely special warm fuzzy place in my heart) (Also 27 chapters, so how can you complain about that???) The acing on the cake by mckvch (RaiseYourVoice) 

““Oh, come on, puns are amazing! Tell me your sexuality and I’m sure we will have at least one shirt that’ll appeal to you.”  Simon patted the pile of shirts in front of him and smiled hopefully at Raphael who really wanted to disagree and tell the boy he was wasting his time here but he couldn’t bring himself to.” (pride!fic) (this author has some of my favourite ace!Saphael fics ever, and like an endless supply of them with everything under the ace/aro umbrella) A Lesson in Love series by Malteser24 ”Simon thinks it will be difficult to adapt to their new situation - in which they don't actually hate each other - and Raphael can't imagine their date as being anything but awkward, considering how out of his depth he is when it comes to dating.Instead, they actually have a fairly good time.” like a love song on the radio by eversall 

Simon's a bartender, Raphael plays the piano, and somehow they manage to communicate to each other that yeah, they both want this. 

Rock Solid Panda by OhHolyHell

(Made for pan pride day, “Raphael is actually a thoughtful softie” (and so is Simon!) (ft. ace puns)) Disasters that lead to pretty boys (are worth it) by gayinsight "My friend is out of town and I’m supposed to be taking care of her pet fish but it died and you work at the pet store help me find one that looks the same so she won’t notice!" (this one has a hella flirtatious Raphael making some jokes that imply sexual attraction but it doesn’t actually HAVE him experience it and it’s honestly one of the cutest, funniest little Saphael fics ever so) 

if i ever had your number, i think i would use it by eversall

“You – why is your number in the Pandemonium bathroom?”

(classic meet-ugly sorta vibe) I am a pile of bricks and you are holding a sledgehammer by LiviKate “So when do I get tucked safely back under Raphael’s wing?” “You won’t,” Lily said, wandering over to the other side of the room to get her own drink. “Raphael has a new fledgling now. You’re stuck with me.” Or, when Simon isn't the newest vamp in the clan, he has a hard time sharing.

Promised It All, But You Lied by sirknightmordred As Raphael lies in a magical coma that can't be cured, Simon thinks back to pivotal moments in their relationship. (There IS a warning for fairly descriptive sexual assault, but it’s actually surrounded by bolded words in the story so easy to skip. And it does not attribute his ace-ness to the assault, but it’s also rep for those of us who are ace AND have negative experiences with sexual violence) 

Sing me a Song by Margo_96

the one where Simon teaches Raphael's younger brother how to play the guitar and Raphael is not happy. or maybe he doesn't mind it that much (Okay so this is one that kind of equates asexual to ‘not wanting sex,’ and Raphael does have very strong infatuation so not so much representative of romantically-fuzzy people. Hooweeverr, it’s cute af, and I like Simon’s initial reaction to the coming out, and it’s 8 chapters, so worth a read for sure) until i’m not afraid by angelblooddemondust

(Trans!Simon (which I can’t speak to at all) ft ace!supportiveRaph (which I can)) (read the notes) -

Saphael (ft. smut):

Head is spinning thinking ‘bout by LiviKate 

Simon and Raphael enjoy their time together, even if Simon doesn't really know what to call it.

Or, gratuitous vampire sex with some ace-spectrum themes because there's not enough Asexual Raphael.

(This is a lot of blood drinking, which is not my fav, but it’s brilliant in terms of what a sex-positive ace might look like and how they experience sex- it’s from Raph’s POV, and it’s quite good overall imo. Probably my favourite ace!smut)

Just Pull me Closer by SomeWaywardDaughter  After spending an irritating patrol with Clary and Jace, Simon just wants to get back to Hotel DuMort and Raphael. (so I’mma be honest I was in a pretty sex-repulsed mood while doing this part so I didn’t fully reread it to be sure it’s safe but it’s literally written by a self-professed ace author and I did see reference to the aceness amidst the smut so I’m pretty sure we’re good)

What is Desired by DustinMcDreamy (I’m not going to include descriptions for smut because many of them are potentially triggering in nature for sex-repulsed friends, but this one is a dom/sub sort of thing, pretty hella kinky so buyers beware. It’s messy on the ace-front (the author started the series before Raphael came out, and had to add it retroactively) but there’s some good lines in there in particular for gray ace or demi folks who are experiencing lust for someone for the first/only time, etc.) chasing starlight by  mostlikelydefinentlymad There was no set destination, simply one agreed upon prerogative: drive. (So this isn’t technically smut insofar as there’s no actual explicit description of sex, it’s basically all blood drinking, but it’s a heavily implied metaphor and Raphael’s blood lust for Simon is very reminiscent of sexual attraction, so that part kind of doesn’t reflect how I feel as an ace person. BUT Raphael does not actually experience sexual attraction, the story is quite lovely, and the author is quite lovely as well, so I’d still recommend it)

Caught. by Kalifa (Lol this is short and not super smutty either but it’s like #sexindifferentfeels all the way)  -

Raphael and Other Characters ( back to no smut):

love comes in at the eye by prettydizzeed

The first time he asks Raphael out, Raphael scoffs.

(A Raphael/Meliorn fic- and I gotta tell you I didn’t even ship these two but the characterization is beautiful and the handling of the asexuality is a dream)

maybe we're just gonna live forever, maybe heaven's a mistake by prettydizzeed

Raphael presses the pendant into his palm and looks at Magnus. “How did you become okay with it?” Magnus gives a flourish of his hand. “After the whole ‘half demon blood, scorned by the earth as a monster’ thing, liking boys wasn't that big of a deal.” He sees Raphael's expression and adds gently, “But it's different for everyone.” Raphael looks at his hands. Lets go of the cross. “How do I become okay with it?” Incompatible by NotEvenThat

Raphael wants to know why their relationship works for Jace. As with everything, Jace struggles to talk about his feelings and why Raphael Santiago makes him feel so safe. (I can’t even get over how much I love that this fic makes asexuality seem like a bonus rather than a burden in a relationship- which shouldn’t be rare, but alas)

landscapes by brightclam

(Another Raph/Meliorn, those seem to be popular! Ft. gender nonconforming Meliorn and the tags “Asexual Raphael Santiago” “i shouldn't have to tag that but some of y'all demons ignore that” which made me laugh for like 5 minutes)

- Arospec!Raphael/Romance not Mentioned:

Make Yourself at Home by savannahrunes

Two occasions Raphael Santiago shows up at Magnus's door, each time with something quite important to say. (This is my favourite aroace Raphael fic ever and made me cry both times I read it. Also written by an ace author) (do yourself a favour and read this even if you’re not arospec- although that goes for all of them in this category) (he is legitimately 100% aro in this) 

Unnamed Soulmate AU by http://parabatri-gonebabygone.tumblr.com

(So I couldn’t trace this back to AO3 or even the author’s most recent tumblr but it’s so beautiful and I love this fic so much and the author (in my limited opinion) did an amazing job of having an aroace soulmate dynamic and gah, yes)

Four Times Raphael Santiago Was Kissed, and the One Time He Kissed First by albabutter 

His mother should have had a house full of girls. Instead she ended up with him and his brothers and a rag tag crew of every teenaged hooligan in a five mile radius running through her home. She was quick to grab an ear but quicker to give a hug, and Raphael put up with it as well as could be expected. She gave hugs to the neighborhood boys and kisses to her sons, and the only silver lining was that she didn’t wear lipstick. (honestly this is one of my favourite Raphael fics in general, and I believe the author only intended for him to be ace in this but I definitely interpret it as at least aro-spec as well if not just straight-up aroace)  When’s a monster not a monster? by scalira “He had never heard about something like this before. You either liked the opposite sex or you lived in sin as someone who liked the same sex. But he had never heard of people just not liking any sex.He decided to just let it rest for now, pushing the worry aside till he at least graduated highschool. But then there was a friend, and his name was David.” (*** Warning: there is a fairly sudden mention of oral sex near the beginning. And some descriptions of violence. But this is one of my favourite ace-fics in the way that it explains what asexual attraction feels like for me, and Raph is also  grey-homoromantic so bonus) (this author has lots of varying ace and demi/grayromantic/etc Raphael fics too to check out) Carpe Noctem by UMsArchive  For decades, it seems like unlife couldn't get any better and nothing threatens to take all of that happiness away from Simon. Aside from the passing of time that slowly takes everything away from him. Almost everything. (Listed as demiromantic, but as far as I can remember doesn’t even have kissing by the end so it should be fairly aro-friendly) 

Maybe by mckvch(RaiseYourVoice)

“ Yeah, he definitely didn’t want to kiss girls, ever, but boys...not so much, either.” (arospec Raphael with some ambiguousness about his feelings for Simon) It's Not a Date (Unless I Pay for Dinner) by  Vitamin_Me Clary cancels their date last minute, but Simon ends up having a good time despite himself. (So I don’t think this author really intended on having Raphael be aro or even ace, but while I’m not aro and can’t be sure, I think this fic should be pretty safe even for people who are mildly romance-repulsed. There’s definitely implications of feelings- especially from Simon- but really I interpret it as being this chill, mostly platonic, nice little fic that makes me feel pretty good when I’m sick of all the heavy romance stuff) 18. Play A Musical Instrument by GideonGraystairs

So this is just a tiny drabble amidst a sea of drabbles but I love it because it’s one of the only fics I’ve seen that’s literally JUST Raphael, reflecting, by himself. It doesn’t say he’s ace/aro anything, it just doesn’t have any romantic arc at all) -

ace!Alec Lightwood:

Accidental Fate by allonsyarielle 

There were two things Alec Lightwood knew about himself beyond a shadow of a doubt. The first was that he was gay. The second was that he does not like sex. Through a chance encounter with Magnus Bane, Alec learns about asexuality, and it opens his eyes to a new part of his identity. (okay so this one did sort of equate asexuality with “not wanting sex” but I still included it because I think it’s a frank take on how it can feel to realize you’re asexual, and all of the negative emotions that can come with that) Sleepovers Aren’t Just for Kids by SomeWaywardDaughter Ace!Alec discovery his sexuality (written by an ace author) -

Others SH headcannons: 

Send My Love To Your New Lover by HornedQueenOfHell 

(This one is about ace!Etta, one of Magnus’s old exes. It also does the ace=not wanting sex thing, but the author is ace-spec so it’s got some perspective for sure. And it’s written so beautifully and such a lovely concept. **Warning for ace-phobia and brief sexual harassment) (I cried the first time I read this) El Hijo De Santa Muerte by Gzmoii “He stepped aside, letting Guadalupe in. She walked in with a careful nod, looking around at Magnus’ loft. Magnus snapped his fingers behind his back, hiding the potions and other magical ingredients around the loft. Given that Guadalupe wasn’t a mundane, she wouldn’t be able to notice the subtle shift as everything around the room moved. Guadalupe’s head snapped toward him, “What was that?” She asked.” (So this actually DOES have ace!Raphael, but I’m putting it here because it also has aro!Guadalupe Santiago, which is hella rad) (22 ch and counting) 

You Aren’t Broken by allonsyarielle

(Ace!Alec but also demiromantic!Magnus)

-- -- -- Alright, that’s it for now!  Hope you all got something out of this! If you are one of the authors listed here and you want your fic/name OFF the list, please message me. If you have written an ace-friendly fic that you want included, hmu and I’ll check it out. Depending on demand, I’ll hopefully be doing updated lists every so often, as well as spin-offs (for example, I have a small but growing list of Malec fics that just so happen to have really sweet comments about asexuality, or have ace!Raphael as a minor character). If you want to request any specific type of fic, please feel free to ask me, I’ve literally got folders overflowing. Have a lovely, ace-friendly day!