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ohheyitsokay · 4 years ago

Text

slowly

Pairing: Jack Daniels (Agent Whiskey) x (f) ace!reader

Wordcount: 2.2k

Warnings: discussions of sex and related topics, maybe some angst? a lot more analogies than actual descriptions

Summary: a drive in theatre, a budding relationship, and a whole lot of mutual support

Notes: okay obviously this is a wildly personal topic - I fully understand that asexuality looks different for everyone. For full disclosure, in this story, the reader knows they are somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, but is not aromantic. They are also are on a path of self discovery and are open to learning about themselves. This IS NOT saying asexuals who are like this are growing "better" than those who are not interested. Asexuals who do know what they do and dont want are perfect and do not need to change or compromise as part of their personal growth.

There will be an optional part 2 where they have more conversations about intimacy and explore together what works for them, but again, this is not everyone's story, or the "right" way, it's just... one story.

That being said, I genuinely hope yall enjoy!

You stared at the bashful man in front of you openly, your hands stilling on the groceries you were halfway done unloading.

Even the slightest rustle of the cloth bags was painfully loud in the silence that stretched between you.

Jack had burst through your door, confident as always, but it was a thin layer over his anxious heart. With two long strides, he was pulling you into his arms, almost crushing you against his chest.

Arms winding around his middle, you held him just as tightly before you found your voice again.

“You’re back,” you said, simply amazed that he was a whole week early from the long mission. “When did you get back?”

You hadn’t realized he had picked you up until your feet were on solid ground again, and he was pulling away.

“Just a few hours ago, I had to make it back in time for opening night, right?” he grinned winningly.

You tried not to overthink, feeling a jolt of excitement that he remembered – tonight. The drive-in theatre in town was opening for the season and you had been more than excited. As one of your most consistent movie night friends, Jack had promised to take you, full of butterflies and subtext.

For as close as you’d gotten over the past few months, you weren’t sure what to make of his expression.

“If that’s okay? I should’ve double checked,” you hadn’t responded and it was apparently making him nervous.

“Yeah, Jack, that sounds great,” you reassured him, turning back to your groceries, equally nervous.

If you were being honest, you hadn’t expected him to remember because it had almost felt like an off-hand comment at the time, and you hadn’t wanted to get your hope up to much.

Something was welling in your stomach as you turned away from him fully, putting each item in its respective home in your kitchen. You liked him, of course you liked him. He was bold and kind and passionate, and more handsome than seemed reasonable for a single person. And… and when he was nearby, there was a feeling of safety, just out of reach, like water lapping at your feet at the beach.

It was more than tempting but, same as the ocean, there was also an uneasiness in the unknown. The same uneasiness was present in every relationship you’d ever had – because you had a secret.

Well, it was less of a secret and more… something you were figuring out that you hadn’t talked about much. Despite long late night talks and months of growing close and even slowly falling for each other, you hadn’t quite found the courage to talk to Jack about it yet. The more real the soft, sweet moments between you got, the more the unease filled your bones. You knew how he was with other women, and each time his hand lingered on your hip, your shoulder, your cheek, a quiet voice whispered that he deserved better.

Jack was staring at you, lost in your thoughts as you mechanically worked your way through the bags. His heart ached for you, and he wished more than anything that you trusted him with whatever you were holding back. But he was a determined man – he would do whatever he could to show you that no matter what, he wasn’t going anywhere.

After awhile, Jack coaxed you back to your normal self, telling you as much of his mission as he could and helping you cook dinner. Moving around your kitchen was wonderfully peaceful, a little bubble of intimacy. Food was great for neutralizing anxious thoughts.

The feeling continued into his truck as you excitedly packed blankets and he fought the urge to kiss your adorable face when you found the snacks he’d picked up. Even before he left, in anticipation for tonight, he cleaned the front seat thoroughly, and made sure his radio was in good condition.

The movie went well too, but as much as he wanted to pull you into his arms, press you into his side, be the warmth against the cool night air, there was a hesitation that held him at bay.

Every time he’d reach for you, cautious and gentle, your skin would twitch, almost jumping away before you’d smile at him and lean into it. You seemed happy, but part of your mind was holding you back. As friends, you two were relatively physically affectionate, so he made a mental note to tread light and watch for more cues. Jack never wanted to impose himself on anyone but with you, even less.

So he waited. He had no doubt you’d talk to him when you were ready, and heavens knows that he had plenty of things he had kept buried. It was still nice, hearing you laugh next to him - just him – and seeing the light reflecting off the movie dance across your skin. Talking with you was always easy, even more so without friends or family around and it made Jack ache with eagerness.

As he pulled up to your home, he gently took your hand.

“Darlin, it was plum delightful to take you out tonight,” he said, cursing himself internally for how nervous he sounded. You looked his, eyes catching the streetlight like magic and your gentle squeeze gave him courage.

“I really would like to take you out again, on a proper date,” he couldn’t look away from your eyes, trying to read them through the murkiness. “I really like you,” Jack added, quieter, “but you don’t have to respond right now.”

You nodded, your eyes closing tight as though you were at war with yourself.

You think you like me, but I’m not the type of girl you want to date.

“You don’t have to… tell me, if you’re not ready, but,” he offered after a long moment, his free hand flexing on the steering wheel as he forced himself to examine the bushes on the side of the parking lot. “But I’m listening.”

You felt both hot and cold at the same time. All evening you could feel it coming, knew it was going to happen, knew it had to. He deserved this conversation, and honestly, if there was anyone who made you feel like you did, too, it was Jack.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale -

“Okay,” - exhale.

Remembering that neither of you had work the next day helped. Slowly you let go of your hand and unbuckled your seatbelt, shifting to get comfortable again, the actions thick with significance. He returned it, unbuckling too, and killing the engine.

Jack was so respectful you could cry, his obvious anxiety under control enough not to jump to conclusions – to wait for you.

“I like you, too, Jack, but I don’t think we can ever date,” you forced the words out and his heart nearly shattered, confusion barely holding it together.

Eyebrows so drawn in they almost looked like a solid line, he waited, unable to stop a small shake of his head.

Why not? His entire being screamed. With each second that passed, more and more determination seeped into the cracks of his heart, sticking it together. If you liked him as he liked you, it seemed impossible there was anything between you that couldn’t be overcome.

You saw the question in his eyes and the explanation tumbled out.

“It’s just, I know you – I know the girls you go after and the type of relationships most men want. And,” you were sucking in air, the vulnerability raking through your lungs. “And I don’t know if I can ever give you that.”

He started to protest before his hand covered his mouth, irritated movements over his mustache, his jaw working. What he wanted was you. But he needed to let you keep talking. If he interrupted you now, he might never understand what you meant.

You watched his movements, desperation to give him the explanation he deserved growing in you.

“I’ve had people break up with me because I wont sleep with them,” you shoved the words into the space, the most honest you’d maybe ever been.

Whatever he had been expecting, it wasn’t that. Your voice was trembling and so quiet only your moving lips confirmed the words as you continued.

“For me, it’s not something I need, or am particularly comfortable with. You,” you swallowed hard, unable to look at the man beside you. “You deserve someone you can be with, however you want.”

You took another deep breath, feeling light and surprisingly at peace with your honesty. Even the impending rejection felt less scary, now that you had said it all out loud. The trembles settled as you concluded, “I’m still figuring myself out and I just cant guarantee I’ll ever give you what you deserve.”

Of all the conversations with all the others before this, this moment felt the most freeing. It was wild to have such an intimate conversation before you even kissed, but… the foundation of trust that Jack had given you had not been lost on you. You found yourself smiling, looking at him, finally.

His expression had loosened, processing and connecting the dots, his deep eyes unfocused before they slid closed.

Now it was your turn to wait, to be patient, and listen.

Part of him wanted to yell that he wasn’t like the others, that he didn’t care and even that he would wait and work until you were ready. But that wasn’t right, and he knew it.

Inside him, deep, deep down, there was a small light. A candle of flame underneath a glacier: a touch of hope slowly warming its way through layers and layers and centuries of expectations, fear, confusion, and chaos. It was going strong, it just need more time.

“Darlin,” he looked at you, finally, meeting your eyes and feeling for the first time that they were a clear window into your soul. “You are… everything, to me. So… so let’s just take some time to process this. Would that be okay, sweetheart?”

That was the first time anyone had ever responded that way. It was the scariest thing, but it was perfect. You were overwhelmed with the rawness and a glance at the radio told you it was 2 am. Not a time to be making life altering decisions, anyway. Nodding, you pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. The movement was intimate and confident – something that shouldn’t have been possible, but it was.

Jack’s large hand grasped at your neck and jaw, pulling you into him, pressing his forehead on yours. The hairs of his mustache just ticked your lip, but he made no move, respecting one final boundary for the night.

With a squeeze, he let you go, watching with longing eyes as you hopped out of his truck and ran to your front door. The smile you gave him before you slipped inside was the seal, engraving tonight into his memories forever.

And he drove home, his thoughts louder than the wind and the crickets and his pounding heart.

Jack invited you over a few days later, a Sunday afternoon. It would be the first time you’d talked, and you were surprisingly calm. For some reason, you felt like you’d be closer to him no matter what happened.

He heard your car on the long gravel driveway and greeted you with an all-encompassing hug. You held each other, like lifelines, for long moments before he pulled you inside.

“My mama sent cookies,” he said, motioning for you to sit at the tall table he had as he set down the plate. You couldn’t help but smile, knowing their Sunday lunches and her beloved baking well. He remained standing across from you, aware of the awkwardness, but eager to get his words right.

“This is all new to me,” he said, wishing suddenly that he’d made tea so his throat wouldn’t feel so dry. “If you really don’t wanna be with me, that’s your choice,” he said, knowing it was right and hating the option, “but I really – you’re just so – I can’t let you go,” his thoughts were jumbling together on his tongue.

It was grounding, when your hands found his, reaching across the table as you sat forward on your stool.

“What if we just took it slow?” you said, and his heart stopped.

“Please,” he managed, and your own chest felt like it would burst. “Would it be alright, darlin?” Jack’s hands held yours, his expression eager.

“Could – could we figure out what works for us? Figure this all out together?” You were close to crying, you wanted that so bad.

“I can’t promise I’ll change or… or what direction I’ll grow,” you said, needing to say it again, needing to be sure.

“I can’t, either, darlin,” he said, and you realized he was right and you would support each other, no matter what.

“But all I need is you. Whatever and however much you’ll give me. That’s more than enough.”

He didn’t say for now.

And you believed him.

Since he was still standing, it made it easy for you to tug him around the table, and you leaned into his chest. It felt safe, safer than you had ever thought was possible for you.

“Okay,” you told the flannel he was wearing, “Let’s figure it out together.” And even though you couldn’t see him, you knew he was smiling, too.

Taglist:

@fangirl-316 @0celestialbitch0 @scribbledghost

#agent whiskey x reader #agent whiskey x you #jack daniels x you #jack daniels x reader #ace!reader #ace reader #maybe i don't know people

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lunarmessenger · 4 years ago

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hi!! i wonder if i could request a one shot angst with saeyoung. so mc have a huge anxiety and she always closed up everything even after she's with saeyoung. one day when saeyoung snapped at her out of stress, she end up missing for like around two weeks without any traces even saeran cant help saeyoung to find her

after searching for the whole times they end up finding out that mc got in accident and still in the hospital because her injuries was so bad and actually someone from rfa (u can choose who) try to hide this from saeyoung because mc told them everything

i know its quite hard im sorry 😭

ohohohoho anon you give me too much power for requesting an angsty prompt. i hope you enjoy, thank you so much for this request! I will have to split it into quite a few parts because otherwise...it’ll be much too long haha ^^;; - luna xx

p.s. sorry requests are taking so long!! the holidays have been insane, but i promise after christmas and new years i’ll go back to posting regularly!

warnings: graphic depictions of major injuries, mentions of hospitals, and mentions of mental illness.

word count: 1.9k

(pt. 2) (pt. 3) (pt. 4)

Hard Regrets (Pt. 1) - 707 x MC

Her nimble fingers switched on the heater as a cold chill ran through the house, hands reaching up to the small blanket she’d thrown over her shoulders. The soft patters of rain thumped against the roof of the apartment, the only sound competing with the rain being the soft clicks coming from Saeyoung’s computer and the flicker of paper as Saeran read through one of his many books.

She smiled fondly as Saeran’s eyes danced across each page, filling his mind with the story as he burrowed deeper into the couch. That smile faded as her eyes slowly switched to his brother, her boyfriend, the man hunched roughly over his desk as he typed furiously. Empty cans of soda and crinkled bags of honey buddha chips littered both his desk and his floor, causing her to sigh as she walked over to help clean up.

This project had ended up being one of his longer ones, tomorrow making it about two months since he was assigned the task by Jumin. She was used to seeing Jumin overwork Jaehee, but now that it was affecting Saeyoung the way it was...it made her anxious. Of course his exhaustion worried her, but he became much more irritable when he became fixated on an important project.

Within the past month he’d grown incredibly distant so that he wouldn’t have any sort of distractions, and that meant that she didn’t get to spend time with him as often as she wanted to. The last time she’d reached out to him he had glared at her, telling her that while yes, he loves you, he needed to finish this project.

“No distractions, MC.” She whispered softly under her breath, a reminder he himself had given her the last time she interrupted. All she’d wanted from him was a hug. She slowly approached, bare feet softly tapping against the wooden floors as she made her way over. She was a couple of feet away from him, stopping as she hesitated. Maybe coming up with some sort of excuse would help guide him away from his computer? It wouldn’t be seen as a distraction since it wasn’t selfish; more like a welfare check?

“Are you boys up for some tea?” Saeyoung didn’t move an inch, mumbling a rough no as he continued to type and click across the screen. She visibly deflated, the bags under her eyes from lack of sleep growing heavier from his rejection. He hadn’t even been sleeping in their bed lately; he would sleep right there, on that god damned desk of his. She was snapped out of her rejection at the sound of the couch cushions moving; Saeran gave a small smile as he book marked his page, placing the book on the coffee table as he stood.

“I would love some, MC. In fact, I’ll help you make it. Come on...” The soft tone of his voice was a nice contrast in comparison to the rough rudeness of Saeyoung, the weight on her chest slightly lifting as she walked with him into the kitchen. Saeran grabbed the tea leaves while MC weakly grabbed three glass mugs; despite Saeyoung saying he didn’t want any. She readied the kettle, pressing the on button and watching as the blue light illuminated the dim kitchen and the water slowly started to come to a boil.

“MC...I’m sorry that Saeyoung is...the way he is.” The sudden apology from Saeran made her eyes widen as she turned to look at him, parts of her long hair falling into her face as she cleared her throat.

“What? Oh, no I mean...I guess...” She tried to think of an excuse for him, tried to come up with reasons on why it didn’t bother her that he got so invested that he not only forgot about her and Saeran, but forgot to take care of himself. Her eyes grew hot with tears for a split second as she shook her head.

“I just, I don’t know what to do. I can’t be honest with him about anything, because the last time I tried he...” She started to visibly shake, the only thing keeping her together being the sudden tap of the kettle signaling the water was ready. When she’d interrupted him before he almost flipped the chair because he was so angry; her distraction had caused him to mistype due to ruining his focus; according to him.

The only people who knew how he was making her feel was Saeran and Zen; the thought of the two men’s kindness towards her when Saeyoung was the way he was when he was writing made a soft smile grace her exhausted face once again. Though she hated to admit it, sometimes she wondered why she had not moved on to either Saeran or Zen. Both men would treat her the way she deserved, and she knew that, really she did.

But Saeyoung...she just loved him so much.

The way he was when they first met; how he had tried so hard to push her away and he just couldn’t. Because he didn’t want to. She didn’t want him to either, and she stayed because she knew that he loved her. Something in him changed, she can’t really remember when it happened; it just did. When he got a new project it was like MC didn’t exist; and he acted like he didn’t treat her that way when it was finished. No matter how much she hated it, no matter how much it made her cry; she just couldn’t leave.

All because she loved him.

“MC...? Should we take these to the couch? Maybe I can read you a couple of chapters?” She was snapped back to attention by Saeran, giving a slight nod as he took two mugs and she carried the last one. The sweet smell of honey and chamomile filled her nose as she slowly walked over to Saeyoung’s desk, his body still in the same position she had left him.

“Saeyoung...” Her voice was soft as she tried not to startle him, her anxiety slowly building with the tension as Saeran noticed what she was doing.

“Wait, MC; maybe we should just leave the tea over here?” She paused furrowing her brows as she tilted her head and slightly turned towards him.

“Then how is he supposed to know we at least made him a cup?”

“MC—” She turned back around to continue walking when her foot caught on one of the empty cans, causing her to lose her balance as she let out a gasp.

“MC!” She tried to redirect the cup as it flew out of her hands, the hot tea splattering all over Saeyoung’s desk and computer. Her heart sank in her stomach as Saeran was instantly at her side, Saeyoung leaping from the hot temperature and the sparks that flew around his desktop as he yelled.

“Are you...are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?!” His voice boomed throughout the apartment as he turned towards her, golden eyes filled with rage as he loomed over her. He was so angry that he hadn’t realized her hand was red from being burned; she’d managed to get most of the tea spilt on her in an attempt to salvage his tea.

“Oh, MC...oh God you’re burned; we need to get you to a hospital.” Saeran helped her up but Saeyoung was quick to push them apart, getting in her face as he pointed at his desktop.

“Do you know how long it took me to figure that out, MC?! You’re so fucking lucky that I had a back up running at the same time because I swear to God...” His voice was low, teeth clenched and nose scrunched as he angrily glared at her. Saeran grabbed him by the hood, yanking him away from MC as she shook from his outburst. He has never physically grabbed her and yelled at her the way he just did.

She watched as the two brothers went head to head, noses almost touching as they screamed back and forth. It became too much for her as she got up, trying not to catch their attention as she slid on her shoes and slowly opened the door. The rain had started to come down harder, the wind howling as her loose bun instantly came undone and wildly blew her hair around her face.

She almost, almost second guessed her decision until the sound of glass breaking caught her attention, the mug of tea that was supposed to be hers now smashed in pieces by one of the walls. Saeyoung’s chest was heaving while Saeran got up from a squatted position; almost as if he’d dodged whatever Saeyoung threw.

Those pieces mirrored her heart; that mug was one that Saeyoung had bought her when they had first started going out. A picture of a cat had been printed on it, the cat making a winking face as the phrase I meow you! cradled the toon cat. It was one of her many prized possessions, and he had smashed it like it meant nothing to him.

That finalized her decision.

“What, Saeran? Stay out of this!”

“Are you so damn selfish that you haven’t realized that your girlfriend has burned half of her body to try and save your desktop? We need to get her to a hospital! Now!” He quickly turned to where she was squatting down by the wall, pausing when he realized that she wasn’t there anymore.

“MC...?” Saeran’s brows furrowed as he walked down the hall, leaving Saeyoung to cool off as he looked back towards his computer. The monitor screens were black as the tea slowly seeped into his keyboard and monitors. The more anger that left his body the more he’d realized what he’d done, his body slowly going into shock as he stared at the broken mug on the ground. The pink heart was in pieces, the larger part covered in brown tea as Saeran’s voice slowly became white noise in the background.

What had he done?

This entire time he’d been an absolute shit to his girlfriend; the one person who had supported him from day one. He slowly shuffled over to the broken pieces, socks growing wet from the spilled tea as he picked up the pieces.

“What have I done...?”

“Saeyoung! Saeyoung she’s gone!” He slowly blinked, not even bothering to adjust his glasses and messy red hair in tussles as he put down the glass and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“What?”

“She’s gone! Her phone is on the coffee table, and she didn’t take her bag! Saeyoung we have to find her; there’s a storm outside and she’s by herself!” Saeran was rushing to put on his coat and grab an umbrella, his boots clunking against the floors as he grabbed Saeyoung’s shoulders.

“Saeyoung, if you love her, you need to get off your ass now and help me find her. Now!” He slapped his dumbfounded brother, forcing him on to his feet and throwing a coat at him as he grabbed one of the many car keys hanging from the key shelf. Reality sank in as he threw on his sneakers, grabbing a beanie from the coat rack and tossing it on. He felt his stomach churn as his hand brushed against her coat and scarf, grabbing the scarf she always wore and wrapping it around his neck.

We have to find her, we have to find her.

I have to find her.

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of-faunsandyellowflowers · 4 years ago

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The IUD is bad too. It stops fertilized eggs from implanting (it kills these children).

😂😂😂😂😂 bro

BRO you did NOT just come at me with ur shitty Christian point of view about birth control

Tw: abortion, sex, miscarriage, pregnancy, and all that comes with that.

Eggs, are not children.

Just as sperm, are not children.

Taking birth control does not kill children. Eggs are not children, nor are embryos. It's clear you are lacking the scientific knowledge behind this as many many MANY pro lifers do.

Lemme break it down for you:

Sure, one could say that the majority of people who take many forms of birth control use it to not get pregnant. That? Isnt abortion. It's a tool we use in order to not have a child when we are not ready, or if we don't want any kids at all.

The person who has a uterus is the one who gets the make the choice if they want to become pregnant, or not. Not you, not someone with a penis, each individual person who has a uterus.

But birth control isnt JUST for not getting pregnant. Theres a long long long list of illnesses, diseases, hormonal imbalances, syndromes, disorders, etc that are all helped with birth control. That's the case for me. I had awful painful periods and raging issues with emotions, as well as bleeding so much I'd pass out from low iron. My iud helps control my disorder and prevents me from losing too much blood, and just plain being miserable too.

Let's also mention you seem to be lacking the knowledge of what goes on during periods as well. I'm going to break it down for you during our 28 day cycle that happens monthly from ovulation to menstruation because I think it's important you learn this. This is standard and is slightly different for everyone, but it's still good info. And you're welcome, for me taking the time to teach you too btw

I'm going to use a gender neutral format, though this information is from womenshealth.gov. I had to change the terms to fit gender neutral, as not everyone who has a uterus or a penis is cis.

28 day cycle:

Day 1 starts with the first day of your period. The blood and tissue lining the uterus (womb) break down and leave the body. This is your period. For many people, bleeding lasts from 4 to 8 days. Hormone levels are low. Low levels of the hormone estrogen can make you feel depressed or irritable.

Days 1 through 5

During Days 1 through 5 of your cycle, fluid-filled pockets called follicles develop on the ovaries. Each follicle contains an egg. An egg is not a child.

Between Days 5 and 7, just one follicle continues growing while the others stop growing and are absorbed back into the ovary. Levels of the hormone estrogen from the ovaries continue rising.

By Day 8 the follicle puts out increasing levels of estrogen and grows larger. Usually by Day 8, period bleeding has stopped. Higher estrogen levels from the follicle make the lining of the uterus grow and thicken. The uterine lining is rich in blood and nutrients and will help nourish the embryo if a pregnancy happens, however once again, this is not a child, it is cells. Estrogen helps boost endorphins, which are the “feel good” brain chemicals that are also released during physical activity. You may have more energy and feel relaxed or calm.

Day 14

A few days before Day 14, your estrogen levels peak and cause a sharp rise in the level of luteinizing hormone (LH). LH causes the mature follicle to burst and release an egg from the ovary, called ovulation, on Day 14. A person with a uterus is most likely to get pregnant if they have sex on the day of ovulation or during the three days before ovulation (since the sperm are already in place and ready to fertilize the egg once it is released). A person with a penis sperm can live for three to five days in a person with a uterus reproductive organs, and a person with a uteruses egg lives for 12 to 24 hours. In the few days before ovulation, your estrogen levels are at their highest. You may feel best around this time, emotionally and physically. Again, eggs and sperm are not children, and neither are embryos. They are cells.

Over the next week (Days 15 to 24), the fallopian tubes help the newly released egg travel away from the ovary toward the uterus. The ruptured follicle on the ovary makes more of the hormone progesterone, which also helps the uterine lining thicken even more. If a sperm joins with the egg in the fallopian tube (this is called fertilization), the fertilized egg will continue down the fallopian tube and attach to the lining of the uterus (womb). Pregnancy begins once a fertilized egg attaches to the womb. This is an egg/embryo, again, not a child, its cells. People can have miscarriages during any point of pregnancy..

Day 24 through 28

If the egg is not fertilized, it breaks apart. Around Day 24, your estrogen and progesterone levels drop if you are not pregnant. This rapid change in levels of estrogen and progesterone can cause your moods to change. Some people are more sensitive to these changing hormone levels than others. Some women feel irritable, anxious, or depressed during the premenstrual week but others do not.

In the final step of the menstrual cycle, the unfertilized egg leaves the body along with the uterine lining, beginning on Day 1 of your next period and menstrual cycle.

And THAT is what a normal cycle looks like.

However, it's not like that for all of us. Theres endometriosis, alongside other disorders and illnesses that affect the uterus and can cause a lot of pain, hormone imbalances, so forth.

Source: womenshealth.gov

So, a person who has a period and doesnt get pregnant, the egg is shed. Does that mean their killing a kid too? No.

What about people who cant shed eggs? Nope.

Beyond that: what about sperm?

If you wanna take that route, any time a guy ejaculates, hes killing multiple of his sperm, aka to you: kids.

And this also happens during fertilization, because thousands of sperm try to enter the egg and only one is successful. Does that mean thousands of children are dying? Nope! Just cells!

Thousands of eggs and sperm die every day. That's just natural.

Cells are also things like: shed skin, shed hair, spit, fingernail clippings. The only difference is that each has an individual purpose. Sex cells are not children.

Now let's talk about the people who CANNOT have kids, or are at high risk for pregnancy. We use birth control for our health.

Is someone who sheds eggs but cant get pregnant killing their kids? No, that would be a ridiculous thing to say.

Is someone who uses birth control because pregnancy would be EXTREMELY hard on their body killing their kids? No, that would be a ridiculous thing to say.

People also have miscarriages.

People also have the right to abortion, and it's not your right to know why either.

Pregnancy, and raising a child is not for everyone. We have so many kids in abusive homes, so many kids in foster care that never get adopted, so many kids who grow up with mental illness due to their parents not wanting them.

Pregnancy can be incredibly hard, especially for someone like me who has chronic pain, amongst other things. It can also be incredibly risky and people have died just from being pregnant alone.

Many fetuses develop deformities, alongside disorders rhat are severe and would not produce a very long life, or they will not live healthy, happy lives if born.

Some fetuses turn stillborn.

For others, it worsens their mental health.

For some, they do not want children, or cannot have them.

Birth control helps all these people.

I know I'm probably forgetting shit on this, and people with credible info that's science based can add on.

But simply put: birth control isnt bad. It's not abortion. It doesnt kill children, and quite frankly isnt yours to choose if people take it, its none of your business why they take it, and it's not your right to take it away from us.

And again: people with uteruses are not yours to impregnate. We are not yours to be baby making machines. We are people who deserve happiness and a chance at a happy life without your desire to see us pregnant

it's our choice, not yours.

#pro choice #birth control #depo #iud #abortion #miscarriage #periods #menstration #science #health #menstual health #the pill #people with uteruses #uteruses #sperm

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nightmaretyrantvantas · 5 years ago

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When tensions break too often- a dark side au story

So I got my ideas back for some angst and some tension in this au, and I just couldnt resist writing it. Plus its a good way to warm me back up into doing things for this au.

This is also a bit of a deeper dive into the dynamics of darkside! Virgil and the other dark sides and how they all bounce and thrive off each other, as well a some backstory and peeks at the full effects of Deceit leaving( jealousy is with the dark sides but is only mentioned, he currently doesnt make much of an appearance in this one in particular, he gets his own angst later)

This was fun to write, not gonna lie. Its been awhile an this is gonna be long so buckle up with me

I also got alot of inspiration to finally write this out(and revise parts of it) due in part to @aimasup ‘s recent comics and writings about their kid sides(which I love, like alot alot and I hope they dont mind me getting super inspired by it!)

ships: Past prinxiety, past anxciet, implied intruxiety, implied intrulogical, implied intruloxiety, implied one sided remus x wrath, implied past demus, implied current roceit

Im putting a trigger warning here for cussing, fighting(verbal and physical), descriptions of panic attacks and emotional breakdowns, violence, gross and inappropriate language, some body horror descriptions, as well as implied unsympathetic sides(all sides are morally grey but the perspective is biased towards the dark sides as its seen from Wrath’s view- keep that in mind)

Things are about to get angsty my friends but i promise it ends happy(for once in this au)

I hope you guys enjoy

~~~~~~~~~~

Wrath Sanders had a lot more patience then almost everyone gave him credit for. Most considered him the biggest hothead there was, going off at the first irritation. But, the truth was he was eerily patient...Sure he may simmer and seethe and hold onto things in unhealthy grudges, but he never lost his cool as often as some would want you to believe.

Wrath Sanders kept his cool during many things, even if that was the last thing he wanted to do.

He had sat back through many things, biting his tongue to hold back the venom and yelling and grinding his teeth together in anger and forced himself to sit through many many things that happened around him out of respect- out of a deep fucking respect- for Virgil’s Fear’s Anxiety’s authority. Instead, he watched shit go down over and over again and held himself back from reacting towards the problem, focusing his energy on the recovery.

But, the most recent event was his last fucking straw.

It had happened seemingly out of nowhere, Wrath had been slumped down on their shitty lumpy couch boredly watching some dumb movie. It was getting later in the night, around 10 maybe 11 and he had one of Remus’s crappy beers partially drank in his hand. He was just getting up to change the movie or turn it off all together when the whole house seemed to shift violently, the walls seeming to tremble. There was a moment of confusion before he heard it.

“ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

His whole body jolted to its feet unsteadily as the sound of Anxiety’s pain wreaked scream filled the house to an almost deafening volume as it distorted and deepened. His body moved before his mind, lurching over the couch and running for the source of the scream as another one wailed out even louder than the first, the sound muffling the breaking bottle and violently shaking the walls with their reverb. He heard other sounds too underneath, glass shattering heavy objects banging and wood splintering, wallpaper shredding. A third screech rang out, cutting itself in half with echoing high pitched sobs.

He hadnt been the first to make it to his room.

Wrath watched as he turned the corner in time to see Remus destroy Anxiety’s door with his morning star, a wild and desperately freaked out look to his glowing eyes as wood splintered and gave out under the weapon, some sending cuts into his cheeks. The creative side was then out of sight in a flash, forcing his way into the room yelling as to be heard over the screams.

Remembering the pain, the fear the absolute panic in Remus’s normally confident voice sent a deeper chill down his spine than the screams had.

“ Virgy??!! Fuck fuck fuck fUCK!! Virgy no no! Its me dammit!! Fuck FUCK FUCK!! No no NO! Virgy virgy virgy storm cloud creepy cryptid no no nnonononono look at me no no look at me cmon honey look at me not those at me. me me me me..” His voice continued, shaky and softening as the screams faded into heart wrenching sobs and high pitched hyperventilating gasps. Remus continued to speak, morning star thudding against carpet and a softer thud sounding.

“ Hey hey hey hey hey hey...hey hey hey I got you I got you I’m here im still here....i’m always here for ya honey...I got you now I got you see? Yeah yeah thats me....just focus on me....cmon cmon stormy cant pass out on me now...follow my breathing lets breathe together...in...out...in out...now....tell me five things you can see....cmon honey you got this just look up im here right here...”

The sight through the broken door haunted him, made his chest throb hard and bile burn his throat.

The bedroom before him was completely trashed. It was as if something feral and destructive had ripped it from its very foundation. Every piece of furniture, big or small, was broken and smashed apart, the anxious side’s bed and couch ripped into multiple pieces. Every shelf or flat surface had faced an even worse fate, thrown around and shattered into various pieces that had been strewn around the room along with glass fragments from anything unfortunate enough to have been made of glass. Papers and books were severed and torn apart viciously, and the wallpaper was slashed in huge wide cute, some of the slashes cutting deep into the wall underneath. And in the middle of the disaster was Remus and Anxiety. Long, protruding limb like dark shapes sprouted from the purple side’s back, twitching and trembling with adrenaline along with his heaving, hunched over shaking form. Remus was there in front of him, knelt down to the balled up figure and slowly but surely coaxing him up enough to pull him into his arms and rock him back and forth as he kept speaking to him. It took Wrath a few seconds of his vision adjusting to the room’s darkness to realize Remus had more cuts on him, and why.

Strings.

Millions of purple tinted, tautly pulled strings, like a tightly woven and intricate sickening spider web filled the room from top to bottom as if trying to shield the two in its depths. He could see parts of them hanging limp, likely from Remus forcing his way through to the other. He watched in a horrified shock as Anxiety’s body lurched and jerked with his piercing sobs, hand harshly digging into his scalp through his hood and shadowy claws threatening to rip said hood open. He could see many of the strings connected directly to various parts of his body and to the eight extra things on his back and it made him shudder. The room radiated a sort of fear and panic that was infectious, suffocating even. But he refused to leave the doorway and abandon the two there, in that too dense darkness.

He watched Remus manage to gather up the shorter side into his chest and rock him more, practically curling into a ball over him. He was still talking, his voice softening to the point he couldnt make it out anymore from the door. But he could see his expression. God his expression mightve been what pushed him past his bullshit accepting limit.

Remus’s face was grim, any traces of his grins and normal attitude gone. His eyes were glowing in a dark, dangerously violent fury but the way they stayed trained on Anxiety kept them, for the time being at least, soft and remorseful. There was so much pain there in that focused gaze, pain regret sorrow a disturbing amount of fear and understanding. His mouth moved with words not meant for Wrath to hear, soft gentle coos and reassurances too intimate to be heard by anyone else but the one trembling harshly in his strong arms. Brows furrowed and it made Wrath feel even colder to realize his hands, hands that were holding the other up and petting his hair through that black hood and rubbing between the spidery appendages, were trembling.

Remus was trembling.

After awhile the strings seem to fade away into nothing, those shadowy limbs following them scarily slow. Once that happened and the worst of the darkeness seemed to dissipate was when Wrath dared to take a few stiff steps into the room, debris crunching too loudly under his boots. He saw Remus stiffen and his eyes flicker up like a cornered, ready to attack animal before relaxing, glow never leaving.

“ W...wh..r...R-remus...”

“ Des...Dessy brat...h-hey spitfire do me a solid and go open my door ok? Dont worry itll lead to my bedroom...just...go open it for me...will you...?” Wrath’s voice failed him after that and he nodded, backing out of that suffocation and away into the brighter lit hall rushing from the room to push open the dark stained door further down. He turned around to go back, to try to help somehow...anyway he could, when he watched Remus instead picking his way out of the mess and into the hall, their leader cradled in his arms limply like a small sleeping child. Not a sound came from either of them as he stalked through the hall and into his room, a single nod dismissing Wrath before the door swung shut in front of him...

That was where he was drawing a line. Enough had been enough.

Wrath had sat back through many things, too many fucking things than he should have. He held back his doubts when Virgil and Roman had first started seeing each other when they were younger and dumber, had held himself and barely held Remus back from mauling the so called “good” creativity when things had gone awry and he had broken Virgil’s heart and left him in bitter, resentful pieces for them to pick up and help mend back together. He held back every time Thomas had, intentionally or unintentionally, slighted and undermined their jobs as a part of him, of their importance, of Virgil’s and Remus’s importance to him. He had sat back through the aftermath of ever fight with the “light” sides and with thomas, through every dismissal and banishment and arguement and accusation. He had helped and been there through countless sleepless nights and previous breakdowns and panic attacks between all four three of them, and he had been here, had been forced not to retaliate as per Virgil’s simple request.

“ Dont Des....dont go after them...Im forbidding it got it? Dont do it. it isnt going to be worth it...please...”

It had always been the please, soft and defeated that made him obey. Not the angry snaps and lashing out, not the cruel words and push and shove they all did for so long, but the plea in that word...the vulnerability it revealed.

He had sat through Deceit’s slow distancing from the rest of them...and his eventually leaving them for the light sides and the ensuing pain and breakdown that his leaving left behind.

It had splintered them, had struck both Virgil and Remus harder and more painfully than either side would verbally admit. Wrath had been forced to do nothing but helplessly watch it break them and break himself too, and try to clean up the aftermath best he could.

But this breakdown, seeing the side that had always stubbornly refused to buckle or back down reduced to a screaming sobbing wreck on the floor, seeing the other side he had always seen be nothing but strong and indifferent to everything thrown with a grin shaking in fear and softly pleading was too much.

He had stayed down, seething, resentment festering for years. too many years without an outlet.

He remembered the hand that had been held out to him all those years ago. Remembered coming along a little bit before Deceit ever did...and looking up from where he was angrily crying on the floor to see two figures before him. One was shorter, with two sets of brightly glowing purple and green eyes and a big black hoodie that was too big for him and messy hair that fell into his face. Behind him was someone much taller, with wild hair and a single streak of white in it, eyes feral and gleeful i a way that made him tense and made him mad through his tears. He was dressed extravagantly, like a prince or even a king grinning unnaturally wide. But his focus narrowed on the purple one, whose dark claw tipped hand stretched out in front of him in an offering. When Anger had put his head back in his knees to cry more he felt an arm drape over him. His head snapped up and he saw the princely one next to him with a softer expression, hand rubbing his back a little.

“ Hey....hey its ok Anger. Whatcha crying for? You did your job! Pretty damn well too! You were amazing the way you had Thomas screaming at that bully!” A clawed hand smacked him making him yelp and he looked in front of him to see Fear knelt in front of him with a look of understanding, a bitter smile on his face.

“ He’s right you know? You were only doing your job...you didnt realize how out of hand things would spiral and thats ok. How they reacted isnt your fault...”

They offered him a place to go, a place to thrive. Screw the others that refused to understand and stay with them. And Fear led them both deeper down the halls by the hand, making sure he didnt get lost

He was done standing down.

Someone needed to pay.

~ ~ ~

If he was honest, Wrath wasnt sure how long he sat outside the intrusive side’s shut door, sitting slumped against the opposing wall in a thick, deafening silence. It mustve been long enough for him to drift into an uneasy, restless sleep. His dreams filled up with memories of younger years, of pranks and scuffles and violent roughhousing the three of them got up to being on their own, of Remus making meals and running around frantic to keep both Anger and Fear from accidentally killing themselves or each other on something. Of Deceit hazily joining their trio, hesitant and quiet but able to snap back just as viciously and able to rough house back just as good as the rest of them after awhile. Of days filled with shrieks, squeals, bickering and shrilly laughter, of restless nights where they all broke into Remus’s room and dog piled on his bed to sleep. Of slowly growing up and watching Virgil come out of his quiet observance and transition from Fear to Anxiety and taking charge as a leader among them, of Remus stepping back and letting him with full confidence as his right hand and partner in crime in most cases. Of seeing Deceit come out of his terrified shell and blossom into a belovedly bitchy and...supposedly self assured side...of Virgil’s echoing screams that seem to reverberate through his very core...

He jolted awake at the sound of a door creaking, and sluggishly lifted his head to see a pair of familiar scuffled riding boots, laces fraying if you looked close enough. He lifted his gaze higher and soon locked onto tired green eyes that were dark and dull from exhaustion. Lifeless was a term he could describe those eyes with and that fact made him briefly queasy and cold. He looked tired, so very tired, and older. He was older than them both....but right now he looked much older than he was...There was a silence between them for a few moments that allowed Wrath to rouse himself up a little more.

“ Dessy....for all thats unholy...what’re you still doin out here dumbass? Did you stay there all night?”

‘Dessy’...‘ Des’ the nickname eased some of his shot nerves. Ever since they were kids they had joked that his name shouldve been “ Despair” instead of “ Daniel Williams” because of his very present pessimism and negative outlook. And soon it became so much more fitting that his nickname became “ Des” short for despair...or in Remus’s case “ Dessy” as he oh so enjoyed calling him. The annoying nickname was familiar though, and it helped him relax enough to speak. His voice was rough and awkwardly quiet in the small hallway, as if he’d been the one screaming.

“ I....wanted to make sure he’d be ok...” He trailed off, voice faltering with a clear shake. It sounded pathetic and weak to him.

But maybe, just this once pathetic and weak wasnt a bad thing. Because at the sound of his voice, and his dumb reason, Wrath saw some life flicker back into the older side’s eyes, some of their glow returning. Remus let out a tired, exasperated sigh and gave him a small sad smile, his expression softened into something sorrowful yet fond. That fondness, that softness sent warm tingling butterflies fluttering through his chest like it always did despite the grim circumstances. Remus let out a strained chuckle and shook his head, pulling his door shut with a quiet click.

“ He’s asleep now ya little Tasmanian devil...let him rest and we’ll check on him in a bit...now cmon, lets go make some breakfast and watch some movies or something....lets go up up.” With a grunt Des allowed himself to be heaved up by the armpits to his feet and didnt protest Remus wrapping an arm around him and guiding him down to the living room. He didnt want to see that pained exhaustion on his face...he needed to do something

and had a problem he was finally going to get rid of.

“ No Des you cant.”

There was that feeling as familiar to him as breathing bubbling in his chest, that hot smoldering feeling of anger or irritation igniting. It flushed out the cold he had been feeling in an unpleasant way but he ignored that part, pressing his palms flat on the table with a bit of force as he narrowed his orange eyes at the one across from him. He felt something like acid stinging his mouth and begging to be spilled free but he did as he usually did and grit his teeth to hold the worst of it at bay. Pushing it down. Holding back again.

“ Not again Remus. I refuse to just fucking sit back and do nothing again. They need to be taught a lesson! This is all their fault- all his fault--”

“ Even if it is so fucking what?! You blindly lashing out at them is only going to make things worse I can promise you that--”

“ Like hell it will!! They act like they can just walk all over us and treat us like fucking trash and cause things like last night and you think im lashing out blindly when--”

“ --When youre temper is as violent as a fucking feral mongoose--” “ Dont call me a fucking mongoose beetlejuice reject!!” “ Oh shut up and sit back down you twerp!!”

They went back and forth across the table, both their tempers and volumes raising as they fought. That bubbling feeling was twisting into a boiling, growing burning that began filling his chest and core. Why was Remus not agreeing with him for fucks sake--

His vision started tinging red.

“ Look brat you think I fucking like this?! You think im not pissed the fuck off?! Because I am! I’m beyond pissed off about this!! About the fact I know exact who and what caused Virgy’s breakdown and about the fact it happened at all!! I fucking get it!! But even I know you shouldnt just storm in there to take off trying to take off their fucking heads when youre too upset! Youre not thinking clearly enough for that kind of confrontation dammit im trying to protect you in this too!!” Remus’s words were loud, ruthless, and hard hitting. There were angry and forceful and made sense.

Plenty of sense.

And somehow that made him even angrier.

“ Oh? Ooooh! I get it, I fucking get it! Now that youve been sweetening up fucking logic youre suddenly the first to fucking defend them hurting our fucking best friend--”

“--oh for fucks sake bitch Logan has nothing to fucking do with this!! Im not fucking defending them either!! I swear to god im just trying to--” “ --to what huh?! Keep on his good side so you can get in his fucking pants?! Or so you can fucking push it aside and laugh about it later like one of them?!--” “ Goddammit you fucking stubborn brat you dont know what youre even talking about--” “ I dont know what im talking about?! I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT?!?!” His voice rose much louder, his own trembling distortion coming out and getting spat at the side who had helped fucking raise him like venom.

“ I dont know what im talking about?!! You mean like how I NEVER seem to know what the fuck im talking about?! Like how Virgil never knows what hes talking about or how you never seem to know what youre fucking talking about when your talking to them?! God now youre even starting to sound like those pretentious bastards!! Dont know what im talking about?! What part do I not know what im talking about Intrusive Thoughts?! huh??!!” His breath was coming out in ragged, squeaking pants as his eyes began to burn “Which fucking part do I not fucking know?! The part where ive had to sit back and bottle up my rage at being pushed aside and degraded and judged and dismissed or having to sit back for fucking years and watch you and virgil get hurt and hurt and ignored and dismissed and talked down and insulted and broken and having to swallow my protests of it?! Or of knowing last night fucking happened because Deceit decided to fully live up to his fucking name and abandoned us for those bastards and left us alone without a second thought and got away with it?! Or the fucking fact youre too busy trying to bone down logic to even fucking care--!!”

Smack!

It came so fast he hadnt had time to prepare for it before his head was snapped to the side and pain exploding in his face, on the cheek near the jaw in particular as he staggered to the ground a good foot and his eyes eerily slow dragged themselves from looking at the kitchen cabinets to Remus, who still had his fist outstretched near where it had collided with his face, his chest heaving almost like his own was, eyes wild and just as angry before a flash of realization went through them.

“ ....Des....fuck...i...you...” Nothing too coherent came babbling out Remus’s mouth, he was still way too hoped up on anger fueled adrenaline. His fist was starting to tremble and Wrath watched his pupils dilate a few times in his attempt to calm down.

And then there was something like an explosion as that burning feeling warped into a raging fire and Wrath let out a infuriated, inhuman shriek and lunged for Remus with a full intent to rip out his stupid fucking throat as his rage consumed him.

The two fighting sides went crashing into the living room loudly nearly knocking over the couch in their wake, both of them screaming and Wrath inhumanly screeching in an almost reptilian manner as he clawed and punched wherever he could reach. Remus wasnt just lying down and taking it either, yelling in loud angry spats of soon unraveling nonsense as he fought back mercilessly, throwing the other into walls, into furniture, throwing punches and kicks of his own. But nothing seemed to slow the orange side down and he struck back with slowly growing claws and fangs and something sharp growing out of his hair, angry tears burning his eyes and his voice too warbled and distorted to even be understood anymore, both their forms twitching and subtly shifting and glowing as they tried to rip each other to shreds, things fluid dripping and twisting lashing out from Remus’s back. Remus was stronger, he always had been, but Wrath had a seemingly endless stream of fury and adrenaline that kept him getting back up and charging in for more, the room being wrecked between them. Maybe things would have gone too far if it hadnt been brought to a hard, screeching halt.

By the time they could both blink they were ripped away from each other, both now uselessly struggling as they were entangled in roughly restraining strings that glowed a eye straining, furious purple color and seemed to tighten and wrap around them more the more they fought and struggled for freedom. Their indecipherable words and incoherent screams where just as ruthlessly cut short as strings wrapped warningly around their throats, not tight enough to actually choke or hurt them, but firm enough to be very present and felt, their voices being quite literally silenced the moment it touched looped once and touched the spot over their vocal cords. There was a horrifically tense silence as their mouths moved in spat insults and screams that never made a sound.

“......that....that is enough out of both of you.”

Virgil’s voice cut through the room like a cleaver, the tone dead, cold, and just as pissed off as they were. At first they couldnt see him, manic eyes darting around until Wrath saw the Duke’s eyes trained on top of the stairs near the hallway, pupils down to small pinpricks. When he glared over in that direction he fully understood and felt all that anger draining and quickly turning into a queasy, cold dread that made him want to cower.

That radiation of fury, or bone chilling fear and a kind of suffocating anxiety that made it hard to breathe and a panic that made them both feel like they were perpetually falling and simultaneously drowning swept over the living room like a flood, the corners and ceilings slowly developing intricate pulsing webs or strings that seem to absorb the rooms light as Virgil stepped, no, half crawled down the stairs and into view. Both sets of eyes were visibly, the whites dyed a void like inky black where his brightly burning purple and green irises cut into them coldly. Something sharp and gleaming poked from his scowl and revealed themselves as fangs as his snarl curled his lips. His hood was up hiding most of his pale skin but couldnt hide the flecks and scatterings of void like, inky and purple spots dusting parts of his slowly purple tinging skin. His hands, snapping out from his sleeves to grip the stair railing were fully blotched in that void, fingers curling into razor sharp claws that strings hung stickily too. The eight dark appendages, opaque and gangly half carried him down faster than usual, the ends digging into the carpet as if for stability. A shrill hiss whistled through Anxiety’s teeth and the panic inducing feeling of being stared at at being excruciatingly examined came from every corner, growing worse and worse as he stalked closer with silent movements.

“ What....the actual fuck are you two doing.” The words with sharp edged and cold, tone flat and tired. They both just stared helplessly, unable to move or speak and both beginning to mindlessly panic. Virgil blinked and a gust of air like an exhale swepted through the room and....left no traces of those fearful horrified feelings in its wake. Both of their feet thudded mutedly against the carpeted floor as the strings released them and retreated back into nothing, disappearing from all around them as if they had never been there to begin with...the room never dimmer than it had started in the morning light and the three of them stood there in silence. Any hints of inhumanity were gone from Anxiety’s form, leaving his two still glowing eyes losing their luster and leaving dull annoyance behind, no fangs, no extra limbs, no claws, no void dotting his skin. When he spoke he took a slow breath, as if unable to breathe just like them.

“....I...I mean it you two...what. the actual fuck did you two wake me up with.” Even his voice had returned to normal, if not for a bit shaky and hoarse from last nights screaming. Wrath saw his eyes were bloodshot, and his face was tinged with blotchy pink and was puffy from crying and something clenched in his chest, thudding hard. He looked at Remus, who was panting from lack of breath, eyes dull and exhausted and pain filled again, injuries from their fight blaring from the blood decorating his body and clothes.

He had done that....he’d lost control again...

“ Im dont want to repeat myself a third fucking time. What the fuck did you--”

“ I...This is my fault I started it...” Both of them looked at him, gazes drilling into him. But he let his head drop as shame took over, choking him a little. This was his family and they were already hurting and look what he’d done-

“Oh piss off Dessperato. It aint only your fault I fucked up too. Look virgy we were both tired and coming off that dumb worry adrenaline shit and we started arguing...and we got waaaaaay too heated and decided to beat the living shit out of each other...sorry we woke you you were suppose to sleep later.” Virgil let out a sigh and rubbed his temples, pulling off his hood and shaking out his messy bedhead.

“ Is that all that happened? Im not deaf and the doors arent sound blockers...” “ Then why are you asking.” Virgil and Remus as a bit of a stare off before finally, for the first time that morning all the life slowly returned to his eyes and he gave a toothy, blood streaked grin and started to laugh. The other two looked at him like he had fully lost it. Then Virgil’s lips twitched up and Des rolled his eyes and failed to stop the grin spreading across his face or the chuckles that he managed to choke out. Within a few minutes all three of them were laughing on the messy living room floor half sprawled over each other and Jealously bemusedly deciding they werent capable of making breakfast and making it for them all instead. Des watched half delerious from his exhaustion as Remus cackled and kicked his leg, just to laugh more when he kicked back.

“ I swear to god no more violence out of you two or I swear I’ll...” Remus let out a snort and gripped the other’s chin between his fingers sensually tugging their faces closer with a smug grin

“ You’ll what Hot Topic? Lock me in the closet again? Or send me reeling with nightmares and hallucinations~ Oh please virgy baby I dare you too~” His tone was light and suggestive, quirking his eyebrows up teasingly for added effect. Virgil snorted and and grinned back leaning close as well.

“ Oh dont start teeempting me with those sweet talkins about hallucinations dr. Hideous~ I might just take you up on that...” Then he flicked his nose and shove him away, both of them laughing. Des was about to try to give them the time to themselves when Remus yanked him between them waggling his finger disapprovingly, making him whack the other’s shoulder with a affectionate “ fuck RIGHT off” and for awhile, in that growing morning light, things felt ok.

It had taken alot of talking, and another arguement almost breaking out between himself and virgil to convince him to back down from confronting the light sides violently. Virgil brought a surprising amount of identical points to remus, while also reminding him that reacting to violently will only make them ignore and dismiss him further. Des was very reluctant, and stubborn, but ultimately he trusted Virgil’s and Remus’s judgement. He trusted Virgil’s reasoning and that he was looking out for him- protecting him. So when he asked him, softly, to refrain from trying to handle it on my own and let him deal with it Des had agreed, obeying his request.

And then a real tipping point pushed him back over the edge.

It was a few weeks later. He remembered distinctly because the mindscape was abuzz with excitement, even the dark sides were effected by Thomas’s unbridled joy. But Virgil had said he was getting a bad feeling...and headed off to the main part of the mindscape that morning. Things were quiet after, calm even. At some point him and Remus had started playing cards, though Remus was blatantly cheating and they were bickering.

Things were fine...things were calm...

Then Virgil crashing into the living room breathing harshly and in the midst of a bad panic attack.

They both jumped up and Remus caught the other in his arms, trying to calm him down and figure out what happened. It took a long time and for awhile they only got bits and pieces out

Thomas

A callback, a big important one he and Roman were thrilled for

Patton, something with both Patton and Deceit

Neither of them agreeing but both of them fighting Virgil

some kind of important friend event on the same day

they had argued, they had fought, there had been yelling by the climax of it

Him and Roman went at each others throat despite the fact he had been trying to help roman’s cause

Deceit fought him alot too, trying to cut him off at every chance in a form of fear response, out of defense

Him and patton argued and fought badly for the first time since Thomas’s last breakup

He thought logan would try to see his side and be a neutral party

Logan was getting tug of warred into agreeing to arguments to push him out

They kept trying to shut him down and dismiss him, they stopped listening fairly

Virgil had to pull out a form shift in front of thomas

He had to use his influences and fear to get them to stop talking over him and twisting his words

it only made things worse, and arguments harsher

They rejected him and his attempts to help more

He started having a panic attack mid argument

He thought logan and patton tried to help but they were getting drowned out by Roman and Dee

There was so much yelling, things that should never be said got thrown

They told Virgil he never does anything but make Thomas worse

Thomas finally nearly screamed for them all to stop and half asked half pleaded for Virgil to just leave until everyone calmed down

He lashed out and hit someone, he wasnt even sure who before he fled, not hearing them yell after him. It mightve been patton, or thomas, or maybe logan

And then his panic attack got worse and neither of them could get another understandable word from him.

In the end Remus eventually got him called down, after a good couple hours of trying, and it took everything in Wrath not to scream and destroy the room.

All Virgil did was try to help, and look what their....their bullshit left him. He was beyond seething at this point, he was fuming he was downright practically breathing fire and shaking from the effort to keep himself still. Remus gave him a cautious warning look, as if he was sizing up one of his many monsters in the imagination and debating if it would kill him or not and Virgil lifted his head to choke out for him to stand down, and to not do anything. Wrath had nodded silently and waited, watching Remus help him upstairs to his room to grab his headphones, and hopefully calm down more. Once they were out of sight he made a decision. He knew the consequences of it, knew theyd both be furious and Virgil would make hell for him for it. But none of that mattered to him

For the first time in many many years...he disobeyed Anxiety’s direct request.

It took a few days to find an opening, but once he saw one he took it, rising up in the big main living room, unknowingly in the middle of a video brainstorm.

Wrath always seemed to appear near the couch, between Roman and Thomas. Just seeing them made his blood boil more than it had been.

It was easy to say he scared the shit out of most of them by just appearing, his entire presence sucking the air from the room and making it hot and tense, a cracked dam waiting to break. Itd been months since he’d seen them face to face, and for a moment his senses got overwhelmed by everything.

But he let that fuel his anger further and he growled for them to fess up. Which one had said it. Roman had of course jumped to the defensive of his friends and that was all Wrath needed.

He lost it, pointing and yelling and accusing Roman. Blaming him for it. Roman didnt back down and fought back, and the fight only seemed to worsen. The others tried to interject, and maybe if Wrath’s vision hadnt been blood red from his fury he wouldve seen they were trying to diffuse the situation and calm things down, talk things out. But he ignored that, whipping around and lashing out at them too

“ Wrath you need to step back and take a deep breath! Youre getting irrational!”

“ Wrath kiddo please we dont have to yell and scream about this Logan’s right lets all take a deep breath ok?”

“ Like hell! Im not going to just let him force his way in here and yell and scream and pretend its ok and we can talk!”

“ Roman please!” “ro stop getting angry back is just making all of it worse the others are right we need to be calm or we’ll never get through to him.”

That voice. Silken and soaked with caution. He whirled around on Deceit and snarled pinning him to the wall without thinking.

“ This is all your fucking fault! Youre the reason they keeping hurting and virgil has breakdowns that put him out of commission for days!! Youre part of the reason Remus locks himself away beating himself up. they trusted you!! We all trusted you and you decided to fuck us over and throw us out like trash!! Was it worth it?!?! Was being here worth breaking the people you grew up with you and loved you?! Well?!” There was yelling around them, and he thought briefly he heard Remus’s and Virgil’s voices behind him as well. But now all that anger, that pushed down bitterness and resentment finally had a target and he couldnt focus on anything else. He didnt even heard Deceits struggling answer as he tried to claw him off, his different eyes wide and his mouth moving in words that werent registering.

“ -youre right ok?! Fuck youre not right at all--fuck fuck I get it youre angry and I fucked up with this, this isnt my fault and I havent been trying to figure out ways to fix it! I totally havent been beating myself up for what happened a few days ago with virgil and I dont regret it ok--” THe words blended together in his head, there were hands on his shoulders ripping him away the the freaked out snake and shoving him into the couch. He snarled but froze when he realized He was staring at the very formal business end of Remus’s morning star, inched from his nose and Remus standing over him with a dark look over his face...dark and upset The red faded from his vision and he blinked rapidly, eyes burning again and jaw aching from how hard he’d been clenching it or from yelling he honestly couldnt even tell anymore. From behind Remus stood both Logan and Virgil, side by side speaking in rapid low voices he couldnt decipher. Behind them he caught of glimpse of Roman and Patton both kneeling on the floor, fretting over a still freaked out Deceit as Jealously offered to help him up. Wrath was struggling to breathe, his body twitching and shaky from the quickly fading adrenaline. Soon he was left feeling cold and sick of himself, staring at Remus with just as wide and wild eyes.

“ Easy....easy spitfire....youre...just breathe for me ok?” He couldnt even nod, he couldnt move. He vageuely noticed Virgil and Logan both looking at him before the morning star was gone and Logan was in front of him, hands palm up in a non-threatening manner.

“ Wrath can you hear me? Good...just listen to my voice...I need you to name me five things you can see.” He blinked rapidly and barely heard Remus’s and Virgil’s murmurs of reassurance. Or maybe Virgil’s was more quiet talking, as he was standing at Patton’ side like the normally bubbly side’s shadow.

“u...uuh....y..youre tie...r-remus’s outfit....the stairs...the others...and the Roman’s s-sword...” Logan gave a nod, slowly kneeling in front of him with a calm, leveled expression that helped him focus more.

“ Good, now four things you can touch. Take your time Wrath.” He flexed his fingers, more of a twitch really as his breathing began to even out slowly. “ Um...My jacket...the couch...my jeans...uh...t..the carpet?” He nodded again through his faltered stammering as the deepness faded.

“ Three things you can hear?” He blinked again and listened for a moment.

“ .....your voice...Remus’s voice...the others...” “ Two things you can smell, remember take your time.” “ Bacon...from breakfast...and someones cologne..” A small smile came to his face as he adjusted his glasses in slow noticeable motions.

“ Just just 1 thing you can taste.” He managed to smack his lips once and his face screwed up at the taste lingering in his mouth.

“ ....acidic bile...” Both their brows furrowed a little but when Logan looked over his shoulder Remus shrugged at the silent question.

“Probably needs to puke Dr. Maywhoo.” Logan sighed at the nickname and turned back to him, holding up his hands a little.

“ Now, Wrath Id life for you to unclench your jaw, roll and relax your shoulders, loosen your posture if you can, uncurl your fingers and exhale please.” He blinked and slowly did as instructed, not realizing until then that he was wound up like a jack in the box. His jaw ached as he unclenched it and his shoulders slumped heavily as he relaxed, fingers sore from apparently being curled into firsts for so long, small red lines in his palms from his nails. He felt calmer, drained and upset, but calm.

“ Logan, Remus.” He looked past them to see virgil standing up tall, if not awkwardly, besides Roman and watching them with a hard to read look.

“ I...think sitting down and calmly talking...is now long overdue.”

~~~~~

Hours later Wrath Des found himself on the mindscapes main couch tiredly nestled besides a dozed off Jealousy Jacob and a cheerfully talking Patton. They had spent hours haphazardly strewn around the very room, just...talking and discussing and airing years worth of grievences. It wasnt easy, and things were no where near fixed or completely repaired. But, there were many small positive steps taken in that direction...and things were lighter and better as they stood at a better understanding of each other. Things werent perfect, and in the back of his mind he could list everything that could fuck up and send them back spiraling. Yet he didnt want to ruin what...whatever it was happening as dinner was cooked. Logan, Remus, and Virgil all sat together on the other side of the couch chatting among themselves and with Patton as they tried to decide on a movie and played candyland. In the kitchen he could hear Roman and Deceit cooking and giggling with each other, trying to outdo each other with some dumb food based pick up lines. But they sounded happy, so many it wasnt that dumb...Des watched them play candyland, staying relatively quiet aside from answering questions and jabs sent his way. It was comfortable and relaxed, and Des couldnt help but yawn. Without noticing , he ended up resting his head on Patton’s clearly unoccupied and underutilized shoulder as his eyes drooped shut. He felt Patton jump a little before slowly relaxing, and he didnt even need to open his eyes to flip Remus off as he let out an overly exaggerated coo at the motion letting himself relax. Patton smelled good he decided. Like fabric softener and baked goods and some kind of spice...Des also decided that the blurry sight of the trio next to them, with Remus’s legs draped across Logan and Virgil’s laps and one hand playing with Virgils messy hair as he sat on Logan’s right and Virgil contently and fully relaxed into Logan’s left side, head resting in the crook of his neck and his hand laced with the logical side’s unused hand as they played was also good. The sound of Jacobs soft snores was soothing and the joyful flirty voices in the kitchen blended into it well when combined with Pattons soft humming. If this was how things would be more often....he’d learn to add a little more patience to his supply of the stuff....

And maybe for once he didnt have to be negative, with no more tension for now to be broken.

The end.

Ok holy shit its finally finished!! This was over 7k goddamn words of emotion and holy shit was it a rollercoaster to write

THis is what happened when I wake up before 5 in the morning after not being able to sleep much...I apparently bust out 15 whole pages worth of words

Now....to go do my chores real quick and go pass the fuck out for an hour or two of sleep

I hope you guys liked it!!!

taglist

@phantommoonpeople @sweetsweetemo @leesacrakon @amazable01 @strawberryjellystuff @heyhelloitsk @jemthebookworm @max-is-tired @seriously-a-dragon @sar-kasstic @soupspam @riarities @yalltookmyurlideas @unsocialchapeau @hyperions-stallion @aqua-mazing @pancakewithamace @dee-ree-vee @sensibleghost @ro-roowo @baby-duck-boy @wack-ismygender

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years ago

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Aaaaa I found a dbt app! I've been wanting dbt forever and it's so irritating trying to find it, let alone during a pandemic. An app isnt exactly going to be the same as proper therapy but it's better than nothing. It costs, but not much compared to therapy, and it has a free trial of a few days so I'll have a look around and see if I think it might be useful. Besides if it helps, I'll save money by not buying alcohol and other impulsive stuff.

Its things like emotional regulation that I struggle with. The spiral and all. I still think I really need more support but I know I also need to figure this stuff out. It's why it pisses me off when I've been to alcohol/drug places and almost all of what they say is about physically cutting down and getting through withdrawal. That's definitely a huge part of it, but like...I've done that. A few times. In the end I know I can do that if I have to. It's very difficult, but doable. But theres a reason I keep slipping again and that's the underlying mental shit. That's what I need to fix. If I can fix that, getting through physical withdrawal will be easier anyway because I wont feel like it's pointless to try it again.

Besides it's not just alcohol for me. That's just my current thing. I'm just always looking for external stimulation and regulation in one way or another. My brain chemistry is fucked on a very permanent basis and trying to just not be that doesnt help, it makes it worse. I've had so much cbt they say it's pointless because I already know it all and can figure it out myself. But I've never had dbt, which is more about working with/around the mental stuff, and is famously good for more difficult things like BPD.

Idk. I vent a lot here. It's usually all the bad stuff I cant put anywhere else. It probably looks like I never try to be positive or anything. I'm just scared to, and I have a compulsive need to be honest, and I just have to put it all somewhere. So everything that goes here usually is all the stuff that I need to work on. Like my big spiral yesterday.

Idk I just want something to work. I'm on so much prozac, I've had so much cbt, I should be medicated for ADHD but I cant try that until I sort my other stuff out. I didnt get on with ritalin and I dont want any more incidents. Plus that's only one issue. I just feel like such a tangled mess I dont even know where to start. Even just now I'm thinking about it and getting anxious because it's so daunting theres just so much about me that needs to change. I wish I really was just a ball of old cables. I find it kind of relaxing untangling those bit by bit. I have to remember it's the same concept. It's just hard.

#self therapy

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seirundevir-blog · 6 years ago

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Seirun DeVir

The Basics ––– –

Age: 23.

Birthday: 3rd Sun of the 4th Umbral Moon (Leo).

Race: Hyur (Midlander).

Gender: Male.

Sexuality: Pansexual.

Marital Status: Omissis.

Physical Appearance ––– –

Hair: Light Brown.

Eyes: Dirty Green.

Height: Quite short even for a Midlander.

Build: Dry, Athletic.

Distinguishing Marks: Apart from the stature and a rather youthful face there are no particular marks about his figure, at a first glance.

Common Accessories: Gloves, that he appears to wear at all times and in any situation, usually fingerless. He generally has at least a small notepad and a stylus hidden somewhere on his person, and often carries a waterskin with him. Rarely seen unarmed.

Personal ––– –

Profession: Adventurer, of sorts; Odd jobs, Flames contractor; Meddler.

Hobbies: Studying Aether in its various forms and applications, reading, learning as much as possible about the world, learning about Magitek, gazing at the stars, travelling, exploring, making friends, tea drinking.

Residence: Limsa Lominsa / Ul’dah.

Birthplace: Omissis.

Religion: None.

Patron Deity: None?

Fears: Being powerless, finding himself in situations where he has no control, losing what he holds dear, his past.

Traits ––– -

* Bold your character’s answer.

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between / Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

Additional information ––– –

Smoking Habit: No.

Drugs: No.

Alcohol: Sometimes.

Socialite: Seirun is an extroverted, friendly hyur, always ready to lend a hand to those stumbling in his way (if it doesn’t cost him too much), and butting into situations and problems that are none of his business (often much to the irritation of the bystanders). He finds himself at ease in social situations, and his mannerism and vocabulary seems to flow and change with ease as the situation demands, from the most formal etiquette of noble gatherings to the tuggish and lowlife cant of the darkest corners of Ul’dah. He is quite opinionated, and hardly ever afraid to share his opinions with the world at large on all and every subject. Reserved on his past: He doesn’t often talk about his past, and if pressed tries to dodge questions and change topic as quickly as he can. It is quite difficult for him to open up about it, and will only do so with those he considers closest and most trustworthy. Endless Curiosity: He seems to posses an endless curiosity for the world and everything in it; demonstrating knowledge he does not posses is a sure way to get his attention... as well as countless questions.

RP Hooks ––– –

Ul’Dah Based - He is not quite a fixture of the city, but is nonetheless generally easy to find him around Ul’Dah, especially resting and trying to find someone to bombard with questions in and around the Quicksands, where most adventurers seem to converge.

Socialite - It is quite possible that, if there is a social event and he heard about it, the minute hyur could be found there, doing what he does best and trying to mingle and make acquaintances.

Aether study - He has an almost inextinguishable thirst for knowledge, especially about everything related to the Aether. Anyone offering knowledge in the field is sure to attract his attention, as well as his countless questions.

Flames Contractor, Adventurer - Although not quite an Immortal Flame as of yet he is an external contractor, often taking bounties and missions from the board, generally patrolling around Ul’dah. He could certainly be interested in more exotic and dangerous expeditions as well, should the opportunity present itself.

Storyteller - Seirun adores making up and sharing stories. He will gladly partake in the activity with anyone that nudges him or displays the inclination.

Contact Information And OOC Notes ––– –

Message me on tumblr, or in game on Seirun Devir on Mateus. Thank you for checking out my character’s (muse?) blog! Is still a work in progress so do not be alarmed if it changes several times in the coming days (hopefully for the better). I am looking for all kinds of connections, contacts, RP partners and so on for Seirun, my little Hyur on Mateus. I prefer mature, dark themed and complex RP, but am open for anything really! I like coherent RP the most, I usually never decide what is supposed to happen to my characters in advance, I prefer to mold them around ideas and personalities and see where it brings them interacting with others. I am open to most ideas, including the death of my characters, as long as there is appropriate discussion and communication between the parties involved; I am not a fan of godmodding though, nor of godlike characters and the likes I am afraid, so perhaps that is something to keep in mind? Not sure. Anyway feel free to hit me up with anything, worst case scenario I will refuse a scene, but will make sure to give you at least the reasons! I am open to RP on Discord too if need be and we already established contact, but keep in mind I am from the EU (although I mostly live by american hours) and work 6 days a week. Now, a little something about myself. My name is Simone (don’t think about it too much, it’s just Simon, but in Italian), and I have been RPing on various formats for more than a good two decades. I have... a number of issues relating to people OOCly, ranging from personal problems that I have yet to work out. I have severe social anxiety and insecurities, as well as severe trust problems and... more. Please do not be offended if I keep my distance OOCly, I am just... not very socially able, unlike my toon. But I will try to reply and answer everything I can!

#ffxiv rp #ffxiv mateus #ffxiv roleplay #ff14 rp #ff14 mateus #ff14 roleplay

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ghostheadcanons · 6 years ago

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Papas + Copia: Autistic S/O

Anonymous said to ghostheadcanons:

Could you do some fluff with the papas and copia with an autistic s/o? I got told by a friend that I’d never find a boyfriend cause I’m autistic and I need some cheering up after that..! Thank you!

What the hell! Why would someone say something like that? That’s not okay at all!! That would be like someone telling me that no one’s going to want to date me for my ADD. It’s ridiculous!

Anon, listen to me. No matter what’s going on in your life, no matter if you’re neurotypical or not, there will always be someone for you out there. Multiple someones! And just because someone else can’t see that doesn’t mean it’s not true! It’s a big wide world out there. Out of the seven billion people on earth, if you want to find a significant other, there’s bound to be at least one person who thinks you’re their everything.

That goes for the rest of you out there reading this, too.

As for writing for an autistic S/O...you’re going to have to bear with me. I’m not autistic myself, but I have a brother who is, and I’ve done my research to the best of my abilities. I don’t mean to offend anyone here with hurtful stereotypes. I don’t know if I’m the best person equipped for the job, but hopefully I did decently enough.

It needs to be said that none of them would think any less of an S/O with autism. The church is open to everyone--and so are they.

Papa Nihil:

Surprisingly, he has somewhat of a grasp on what you’re talking about if you tell him about your autism. His eldest is ‘a little different’, too, but he never held that against him.

That’s always how he’s phrased it-- ‘a little different’. If you take offense to him referring to you that way, he would apologize and do his best to refer to you properly.

If you don’t like lots of physical contact, Papa Nihil would abstain from his normal amounts of hugging you and kissing you, and would find different ways to show his affection.

If you only like certain foods, he’s more than happy to prepare them himself for you. No matter how outlandish you might think they are together, he’s always open to making them!

Sister Imperator would want to know more, if you have any triggers, any sensory problems, etc. so she could set you up with proper accommodations.

Nihil would love to hear you talk about your special interests! You can talk for hours on end about them and he’ll listen eagerly.

"I love watching you light up when you talk, cara mia.”

Papa I:

If you confide to him how you feel, he’s the one out of all of them who is most likely to understand what you’re feeling.

If you don’t like going out or talking to a lot of people, this man is for you. He’s reclusive, himself, and only has a handful of people who really know him.

Social rules in different settings are a pain for him to navigate. You never have to worry about offending him by saying the wrong thing or not abiding by Unwritten Social Code #3496. He doesn’t mind one bit.

Has a youtube account just for stim videos. He has thousands of them arranged neatly into playlists. He’ll send you all the links.

Never talks down to you. But if you need him to explain something a different way, he’ll do so, in a non-patronizing manner.

“We are all one in Lucifer, lamb. No matter what our difficulties are.”

Papa II:

You have to tell him about your autism. He wants to make this work for you, but he can’t do that if you don’t tell him what things bother you, what gives you trouble, etc.

Is not irritated in the slightest about how you stim, no matter what it is, or if it’s considered ‘annoying’. The most he’ll do is go to another room if he needs to concentrate on his paperwork.

He doesn’t infantilize you because of your autism. He knows that you’re a fully grown adult who can understand what he’s saying.

At the same time, though, he also keeps your difficulties in mind and will always offer to help if he sees you struggling.

If you’re forgetful about meds you need to take or a schedule you need to keep, he’ll remind you. “Your pills, caro. Go and take them.”

You can bet if anybody even looks at you funny for acting ‘weird’ that Papa II is going to come over and literally destroy them.

Will always reassure you if you’re anxious about yourself/your abilities/etc.

“You are not broken, caro. You process things differently is all. And I do not love you in spite of that, or because of that. I love you, for you.”

Papa III:

At first he probably wouldn’t understand all that well. But he would do his research and come back to you with questions about all kinds of things. Does going out all the time bother you? Do you have social anxiety? Are there surfaces you don’t like?

Like his brother, he’s willing to learn, and to help if you want it!

If you quote a line you like from a movie/game/book out of absolutely nowhere, you can bet that Papa III is going to quote the response right back at you. He always gets your references. The two of you have a blast quoting lines back and forth at eachother.

If social situations are difficult for you, Papa III is willing to explain a lot of the unwritten rules if you want him to, especially beforehand. These sorts of things can be tricky sometimes, even for him!

If he has to explain a romantic metaphor he made, he wouldn’t be irritated that you didn’t ‘get it.’ Some of his romantic metaphors are, in fact, very stupid.

He’ll help keep you on schedule, since it took him a very long time to learn how to do it himself. He has problems focusing on things, and sometimes you have to shake him once or twice to get his attention. If you’re the same way, he would always be patient with you.

Also like his brother, if anybody gives you shit for the way you act, he’s going to come over and cuss them out.

“Forget them. They don’t matter. What do they know about anything? Of course common horses wouldn’t know what they’re looking at when they see a unicorn. You are one of a kind, tesoro. And I love you.”

Cardinal Copia:

Aside from Papa I, he’s the other one who’s most likely to understand your struggles if you confide in him.

He has a lot of difficulties in close social interactions, so he can teach you some of the tips and tricks he’s picked up over the centuries if you struggle with those, too.

If you want to stim by petting his rats’ fur, he’s more than happy to let you!

On the other hand, if you don’t like the feeling of his rats on you, or their fur, he’ll be sure to let them know so they’ll stay off and away from you.

He’s very adamant about his schedule, and he’ll try to get you set in a routine you’re comfortable with, if you want his help.

He’s the type to remember everything you’ve said about your special interests, and look into them himself to see if he can get interested too. Who knows? You might have got him hooked on something new!

Knows painfully well what it’s like to be a social outcast. Growing up in Italy, he related more to his pet rats than the other children, and even now, he still feels the same way.

“It can be very hard, topolino. I know that more than anyone. But we’ll get through it together, you and I. Ti amo.”

#ghost #ghost bc #papa nihil #papa i #papa ii #papa iii #copia #cardinal copia #autism #i hope this turned out okay!!!!#ghost headcanons #headcanons #ghost bc headcanons

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humanlyimprobable · 6 years ago

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ok so this is something ive been thinking about making a post about for a w h i l e now, and thats burn out. specifically how damaging and even traumatic it can be, and some steps to take if youre going through it, from the point of view of someone who has been traumatized by it in the past.

so. when i was a tween i dealt with a very traumatizing case of severe burn out, how long was i actively being burnt out? about 2 - 3 years. how long has my recovery taken from that burn out? about 6 years. yeah. not fun.

burn out can effect your life in ridiculously intense ways. it can effect everything from your relationships, your mental health, your appearance, and even your actual physical health. and it can be unexpected. you might have been doing fine at school but all of a sudden the thought of doing homework makes you feel like your souls being sucked out of you and all you want is to run off into the wilderness. that can happen.

its essential to treat burn out as soon as youre able/find out you have it. for very mild cases it might mean something as simple as buying a small treat for yourself or eating a food you enjoy or taking a nice long bath, but for extreme cases treating burn out might mean temporarily leaving school, quitting a job, cutting out certain people or even a mixture of multiple things. it can also mean seeing a therapist. but no matter what it is you have to do to treat your burn out, it is essential that you do treat it.

untreated burn out if left long enough can have dibilitating results. i still cant do most math. i still physically cant work too much or my body literally starts tearing apart. all because my burn out was untreated and extreme for too long. im only just now starting to actually be able to do any work at all. and as i said earlier im on year 6 of recovery.

burn out can make you unable to do a lot of things you could before, in my case it was math and for a very long time it also froze my ability to write anything resembling an essay. burn out in some cases can affect you so intensly it can even take away your speaking capabilities, especially if youre neurodivergent. i still struggle making even small instant meals for myself at times. there was a time when it got so bad that if i didnt have some kind of chip bag or something i literally lived off actual salt.

burn out can make you physically exhausted to the point it resembles (and can become, as it has in my case) chronic fatigue. burn out can give you migraines, make it hard (even impossible) to focus, burn out can make your joints hurt more than normal, and if you menstruate it can make your cramps worse. burn out can make it physically impossible to work on anything, even sometimes if you enjoy that thing. burn out will make you more irritable, bored, stressed, anxious, depressed, and all around will make your mental health so. much. worse.

this is why it is c r u c i a l to treat your burn out as soon as you can. and why i feel it neccesary to tell some of you students out there especially that if youre experiencing burn out, lighten your work load. even if it means dropping out of school all together. in extreme cases especially then. you can return to school later. you have time. school isnt something you have to finish first in life. there will always be opportunities later. take. a. break. you have options. try not to let your burn out get to the point mine got to.

i believe in you. treat yourself. drink water. take a nap. you arent a robot, and its ok to have needs.

#important #mental health #burn out

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asinnerslife · 6 years ago

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IN A WAR WITH YOUR MIND

Chronic Anxiety & Panic attacks generally don’t subside overnight. At first, my expectation was that it would. When it didn’t, I became more anxious. Even though I still have my fair share of dark spots, I’m doing everything I can to dig in and accept that this is going to be an extended journey that I finally have enough courage to start facing . When you’re in it, it feels awful and scary and unreal your body feels like it left you into another world and your stuck and cant move and your body and your mind is completely removed from any “normal experience”. In those moments, sometimes all you can do is have hope and pray and remind your self that all your test the ekgs and chest x-rays and blood work came out good , its hard but give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling, and be patient. I know firsthand that this is a lot easier to said then done.it’s a scary place to be fighting, healing from something that has caused you so much pain and exhaustion. waking up every morning to fight the exact same demons that left you so exhausted the night before an doing it all alone again.

Maybe you have a friend or family member who’s there for you who tells you that you can turn to them, but they will never understand the pain and how your body feels when you go threw these episodes .you feel alone in the never-ending battle you fight every single day. And so you stay silent, doing your absolute best to heal from the things that has brought you so much pain and confusion . And every morning you wake up and try your best to continue to fight, to continue to heal from something no one even knows you are dealing with. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world, I know. Trying to heal, trying so freaking hard to keep healing from something that nobody even knows you are hurting from you don’t even know what your hurting from or what’s bothering you most of the time . but your tired of feeling un normal I know what your going through 100 %. Sitting in meetings or taking phone calls or having to talk to people and acting like everything is fine and you are cheerful and happy why the DEMON is sitting right there on your shoulder saying I’m still here hurry up before I send you this sensation or feeling or pain to your body to make you look like an idiot in front of everyone.. nobody will understand the fight you fight with yourself the prison your mind traps you in.its a tireless fight. I may look perfect on the outside but on the inside I am suffering. Getting through the day is exhausting everything is difficult. Some days are physically, mentally and emotionally draining. I find myself getting easily frustrated with my friends, family members and co-workers, even though I know there’s no way they know I’m having a hard day. I’m extremely irritable I just want to be far away from people and hide in my own bubble but I also know that’s the worst place to be is all alone with your thoughts. I spend a lot of time staring off into space trying to regain control of my own mind sometimes things don’t get done at all I easily lose focus on the things that I have to do but my physical body is present but my mind seems so far gone I just lose track of myself at times. I find it difficult to experience joy to its fullest extent anymore I’m sure you have been there as well right? the hobbies we used to love that brought us so much happiness and joy eventually become a burden and we don’t find pleasure in them anymore. you become less and less excited about anything and feel as though your living your life half numb.I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied by studying different things or just taking a random drive but that fear always seems to hide in the back of your mind if you can really enjoy anything on your own or not anymore. I used to always be that person whos always on the go rather its always hanging out with friends going to the movies or going fishing or to parties I was always into something and now these past few years I feel I lost more friends I lost the things I used to love to do because there’s no one to do them with anymore and I feel the friends I got now feel sorry for me so they have to be my friend and I don’t like feeling that way and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or my life because most people when you open up to them they find that as weakness and I don’t want to be weak. weak to me is trying to get help for something you know is just a mind trick and doctors anymore don’t want to help you I feel as though they don’t understand the chaos that it is going inside my mind. Perhaps they thought I was okay because I managed to drag myself to the doctor’s office and everything I said made sense I’m tired of going to a doctor that “ ACTS “ as though they hear you but they don’t there just to worried about writing you a prescription anymore. then just simply talking to you and giving you ways to try and overcome this mind battle and were it came from. If you know someone living with high-functioning depression or anxiety or excessive worrying who mentions there struggling to you , please just listen to them, and don’t try to ignore how they feel because the fact that they are suffering even though they are not showing it takes courage. sometimes its just in our heads and we just need someone to listen to us so we feel as though were still alive or still normal. Living with a chronic mental illness often feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve been struggling for a while but I’m finally coming around to admitting it I still find it hard to communicate how I feel but I try now.

#ANXIETY #mental heath support #mental abuse #panic #panic attack #depression #fighting #faith #courage #sucide #life #anxious #brave #blogger #lifestyle #change

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dramazones · 6 years ago

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Oh Wow! Im finally here with a headcanon birth chart and analysis for jamie!

i'm on mobile so I cant even put this long ass post under a read more i am so fucking sowwy but anyways a lot of this was inspired from dewmie-in 's meta posts and also i rlly love astrology so pls follow them first of all or else ur a fake fan shhfhgjsjkfkd

☀️ ♓︎ Pisces Sun ♓︎ ☀️

There is no doubt that Jamie is a pisces sun. Some of the well known characteristics of a piscean are being the artistic ones, the ones more in touch with their emotions and the absolute dreamers of the zodiac, I can assure you this as a mercury and moon piscean!

And it’s quite obvious that these traits 100% match up to jamie’s surface character being a big theater nerd, writer, poet, and as an actor, he HAS to understand emotion in all its forms! While being the more compassionate of signs, that also comes with sympathy, and maybe even empathy.

to which he expresses when he tells steven that a good story with a quality protagonist HAS to include said protagonists struggles as well, now this might be a reach but perhaps this was self projecting after his own struggles in kansas, maybe even foreshadowing ooOoOh

(“a real hero must struggle” jamie struggles living in kansas, moves back to beach city, nails his first production and gains management position @ the theater, aka his heroic ending i guess idk, then more theater related accomplishments as mentioned in letters to lars ofc)

☽♎︎ Libra Moon ♎︎☽

One of the biggest desires for any libra placement is balance, And the moon sign being the emotion sign, Libra moons desire an emotional balance as much as they do in their environment. Libra Moons can also be known as a “people person” while typically depending on the study of others to lean their own nature.

Jamie fits the Libra moon description being a sort of people person himself. Though he’s capable of keeping a friendly conversation with just about anyone, There’s also no doubt that this guy has severe anxiety that affects his communication with others along with his emotional stability (even affecting him physically). The thing is that he’s managed to keep the anxiety and his social skills much more balanced the more we see him or i guess as time passes, not one of them overpowering the other. (see venus in scorpio as to why he limits himself socially as much as he would his anxiety)

While he desires emotional balance that also comes with a feeling of frustration and defeat when things are even slightly out of balance (also a symptom of anxiety ; easily irritated/defeated) such as his improv performance in letters to lars, ending his performance within a minute after feeling overwhelmed as it started going south.

So while there are several moments of him maintaining an emotional balance he also has another side of the scale that’s less balanced (astrology word play lmao) such as a general lifestyle balance, also nonexistent for jamie (even though your lifestyle heavily affects your behavior) in a sense that he lacks of a healthy sleep schedule being a mailman AND an actor, one occurring from the early morning to the afternoon and the other job occurring at night. Probably irrelevent but its MY sleepover and Ill add as much necessary info in this birth chart reading as i please.

Im also including buddys book as an example because though it was only jamie being the faceclaim for buddy theres no denying that since historical friction theres at least some parallels between the two characters sharing the same traits (being writers, returning to beach city to prosper in their careers, being absolute drama kings)

♀️♏︎ Scorpio Venus ♏︎♀️

One of the biggest aspects to Jamie’s character INCLUDES being an absolute sucker for romance so lets get this bread and talk abt his relationships w/ everyone and his views on love uwu

Scorpio being a water sign means healing is one of the largest aspects to the sign. Healing nonetheless comes with a relation to trauma being from the planet representing death itself. Life and Death go hand in hand to define each other, ya feel me.

while were on the topic of death lets bring back the parallelism between jamie and buddy thats been around since historical friction. in the play buddy is presumed dead up until william reaches beach city. ok. so hear me out. perhaps that was foreshadowing for jamie’s traumatic near death encounter with topaz and aqua. remember how I said the water element represents healing as well as trauma??? It all kinda ties in yall...

ANYWAYS It’s safe to say that Jamie is a person that’s been through his rock bottom AND trauma already (his death if you will), struggling to live a happy, or even regular (lets face it as far as we know the only thing he came back to beach city with was sunglasses, bitch was broke) life in kansas, the abduction, its not something you can heal from overnight. While he does show symptoms of severe anxiety (to say the very least) even after the abduction he’s also grown closer to working on healing, moving on from his overwhelming fear of rejection by prospering in theater (him coming back to life if u will), and as for anything directly related to the abduction is unknown, but its very likely he’s working on moving on from that on his own as far as we know!!

which brings up the next trait of a scorpion venusian! They prefer to be a mystery in order to protect themselves as a result of fear of getting hurt for trusting/opening up too much. The first time we see jamie since the abduction is during the re-election in dewey wins, where he doesn’t seem affected at all. Yes, Jamie is a pretty open book for the most part (see dewmie-in’s analogy to in/out of the closet in historical friction) however theres also moments where he limits himself, or perhaps another side to himself, a far more passionate side…

Holding back tears during his drama zone and waiting until hes alone to be excited abt delivering his letter in love letters, playing it cool when earning theater director position in historical friction, not to mention his room SHOULD play a very huge role in his secretive side. (see brodingle’s post on jamie’s room, his casual side vs his passionate side)

the venus in scorpio (or any scorpio placement rlly) also remains a secret not truly by choice, but theyre also studying others of interest. being an actor, Jamie should know a thing or two on body language and raw emotion as he sees it.

And finally, The venus is scorpio is a devoted, passionate, and emotionally attached lover. in love letters he falls for someone easily, and even if he learned in the end love at first sight isnt real he is most definitely the type to fall easily based on emotional connection alone! Also, his fear of rejection can easily play into his love life as well. Being in kansas getting constantly rejected and returning back home out of not just defeat but most likely homesickness as well. He missed his stable job. he wants stability, loyalty, commitment! yeah ok thts all i got for now ladies!

♂️♍︎ Virgo Mars ♍︎♂️

Mars being the planet of impulsiveness, energy, initiation and “doing it” being born under the sign of doing it efficiently and orderly gives a handful of traits that completely match up to Jamie and the way he puts out his energy into the world

Jamie has been the type to not just instantly put his energy into something new, but he’s also put his energy into mastering said thing! While Mars is the planet of impusiveness, Virgo is the sign of patience, the Virgo mars is a firm believer of practice makes perfect, and striving for overall perfect, which does in fact get overwhelming for Jamie the perfectionist.

In historical friction, though hesitant, he was not afraid to critique and analyze dewey’s writing skills. And although he was anxious again to go against deweys script and use pearls version instead, he went with pearls because he desperately needed to execute his first play flawlessly. this also occurs again in letters to lars, when his improv performance doesnt go as planned he doesnt just end it from there, in fact, he still has that sense of patience to critique his cast members on stage before getting completely irritated when they dont comply. imo its important to note this duality of patience and impulsiveness because this is an anxiety inducing combination that heavily matches up to Jamies energy.

it’s also important to bring Jamie’s room back in this, because while it was creepy as shit its also FILLED with books, and has really fancy stationery meaning he is in fact a writer. The Mars in Virgo is an attentive to detail oriented person, and being a writer, Jamie not only reads others’ works, he records his own with plenty of detail as seen in his love letter to garnet. Its in his nature by now to have an eye for detail as seen in his room, his costumes, his writing, etc.

Its very likely that his venus and his mars sign do sort of relate in a sense of the way he will present himself. The virgo mars wants a deep connection as the next person but refuses to express that “passionate side” as much as others, preferring to remain casual or present a “cool exterior” which plays into the venus in scorpio’s preference for a secretive side or to remain a mystery.

lets also not forget Jamie’s mime performance in Sadie’s Song. His body language easily read as excited and desperate for perfectionism. Theres no denying he spent time and energy into his act, probably studying mimes and all lol

plus the virgo mars being an attentive to detail type of person, scorpio venus’ silent study on their person of interest and libra moon’s dependance on the study of others to learn how to express emotion when and where and how all tie into each other. Jamie depends on detail before well, doing! he is the type to not just think before acting but hes also gotten quite anxious overthinking as well!

The Taurus Ascendant is a sucker for stability, loyalty, especially to their passions with change being their biggest weakness, very fitting to Jamie. Stability is what made Jamie return to beach city from Kansas because he was not used to such a drastic change in an unstable life, doing the absolute opposite of prospering in his acting career, another big desire for a taurus rising btw, they thrive for success!

They also need a sense of security and any chance at risking that security is a big no-no for the Taurus Ascendant. Jamie’s constant fear of rejection, his anxiety before a production that could make or break his career, he desires a sense of reassurance and security that will assure him that things will not turn out as horribly as his anxiety’s (cough drama zone cough) made it out to be.

⬆️♉︎ Taurus Rising ♉︎⬆️

now, in Reunited, hes completely moved on from garnet at this point. This takes places after the abduction, the only thing that would really be on his mind rn is healing and finding peace again with himself and in his surroundings. while hes handled this healing process alone (as far as we know) hes also learned about what he wants for himself including his love life. seeing garnet extremely happy and married and all makes him defeated for a moment not because “uUuuUUhH shes the one that got away!” its because he truly desires a passionate and devoted relationship as ruby and sapphires! which brings up the next topic!

In relationships, the Taurus Ascendant won't easily break up with someone they gave their heart to. Jamie wants a partner thats going to be as devoted and passionate as himself. He needs that sense of commitment and loyalty from someone and probably wouldn’t handle something as emotionless as one night stands for example! Any taurus placement has the same desires for romance as scorpio placements to be quite honest here, im just sayin as a venus in taurus and scorpio rising lmao.

🌊 Water Dominant 🌊

Ok so the thing is heres the thing. Out of all four astrological elements, Jamie exudes water energy the most, then earth, then fire, and lastly air. He’s not just an emotional person, he’s also an optimistic person, even when he overthinks things, he continuously looks into the future rather than his past so I think its important to note he also has that “psychic” aspect to him as well as having a strong sense of someone else’s emotions as much as his own.

let me also add in dewmie-in’s post where they point out tht jamie does in fact have a literal reocurring theme with water so even if he turns out to like not be a water sun sign in canon (highly doubt there will ever be a canon bday for him lmao the entire point of this post tho) theres no way hes gonna not be associated with water coincidentally. so if u didnt read their post tldr: being a fucking buffoon in the literal rain, throwing letters into the ocean, staring at the ocean on his free time, (aka during working ours, worlds okayest mailman) cries easily, buddy dying in water, jamie nearly being killed as instructed by a gem named aqua, jamie surviving in water after being THROWN off the ship. (i added a few more btw hshfhhdjd)

so yeah thats that on that, theres plenty more planet placements than that in a birth chart but i just felt like doing the usual ones i guess :P

#its literally going on 5am as i finish this #im so sorry if this is shit hsfhfnsjkf #im not what they call a writer #but i do love to talk abt things like astrology and my fave characters sjjffj

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dinoify · 7 years ago

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still human ☆ mingyu

character ☆ kim mingyu. au ☆ cyborg au. genre ☆ fluff, angst undertones. summary ☆ you don’t think you can survive without him. words ☆ 1030+ words

weezy ☆ sorry, i’m trying to release fics for all the members by the start of school, but it turns out i have an AP class that i’m taking that i didn’t ... know i was taking until now? so i’m rushing to do the summer assignment for it. thank god i don’t need to turn it in until the first day.

a day's work has finally approached its end the moment you press the dog android into the hands of your last paying customer. finalizing the purchase with the discussion of the price, paying and sending a kind smile for their departure, you were ready to finally close up the garage for the day. however, the door leading from inside your adjoining house slams open behind you to reveal kim mingyu, interrupting your discussion with your customer. unfortunately, with the uncontrollable strength of his cyborg arm, the door barely holds on to its hinges. despite the many times this situation has occurred, he still stares at the door dangling incredulously before darting his gaze at you. usually, you'd send the man a glare for disturbing business, but being physically and mentally exhausted, you only send him a tired glance from the corner of your eyes. luckily, he happens to catch it and shoots you a tired, apologetic smile in return.

"sorry, (Y/N)," he apologizes while walking over towards you, "just wanted to know what you wanted for dinner tonight." "wow, he looks and sounds so authentic! is he for sale?" the customer gushes, suddenly invading mingyu's personal space to inspect him as if he is a part of the merchandise. startled by the sudden confrontation, mingyu's expression twists into a mixture of irritation and frustration. it's a question regarding him that he unfortunately has heard numerous of times. clearing his throat, he begins to speak, voice strained, "i'm not--" you outstretch an arm before him to stop him from speaking anymore, as if to shield him from the idiocy this customer is spouting. you send them an icy smile with the addition of a seemingly innocent cant of your head, "i'm sorry. he's not for sale." in only a few seconds, the smile slips right off of your facials, replaced with a glower that causes the customer to stammer a nervous apology. internally, you revel in the way you're able to pinpoint the exact moment the realization they screwed up crosses their face. however, it doesn't stop you from correcting the person further, "and for your information, he's human. not a servant android. now, leave." and they do while throwing an anxious glance towards both of you over their shoulder. once the customer's car is out of your driveway, you feel the tension in your face and shoulders relax until you're slumping over with a tired frown over your face. so much for a good day of work. mingyu places his hands on your shoulders and carefully gives them a light squeeze. it amazes you how he's able to control his strength when squeezing your shoulders, but not when he opens or closes the door. "should i ... start wearing a 'not for sale' sign whenever i'm in public company?" you whirl around to scold him for suggesting something so ridiculous. however, you stop when you spot his sheepish smile on his handsome expression. even though he smiles, you spot the suppressed hurt and sadness in his benevolent eyes that peer down at you. kim mingyu is a human whose limbs have been amputated and replaced with metal after the vicious burning of a house fire that scorched his body nearly to the core. thankfully, he survived the disastrous flames with the consequence of being seen as a freak in local society, a society that relied primarily on its machines and technologies. even the family he was born and grew up with viewed him as something abnormal and blamed themselves for turning their son into something less of human. and on one fateful day, you woke up with a tall, sleeping cyborg in its charging state in front of your garage. at first, you were furious not only at the family for throwing their son away for a brainless and foolish reason, but because of the extra baggage you were forced to deal with. however, no matter how furious you were, you simply could not throw him away as well, especially when it broke your heart to see him finally awaken to his unfamiliar surroundings, fear and confusion in his eyes. eventually that anger you felt at the beginning of your relationship dissipated into mellowness, almost grateful for the turn of events now that you look back at the past. despite being clumsy at the job during the first few weeks -- misplacing tools, nuts and bolts; dropping valuable items such as customer products -- mingyu proved to become a good assistant ... even if he had the habit of destroying his entire metal arm or leg, resulting in you to close early to fix. likewise, his anxiety of being in an unfamiliar place disappeared as he grew more comfortable in his new home and your presence. not to mention, he was pretty good at house chores such as cooking, shopping, etc. and would often do them without demand as you worked on repairs throughout the day. before you knew it, it had been a few years since he became a part of your family and work force in your company, a person you were thankful for and shared a bond no one else could detail. you had to admit, if he never had been abandoned to you, your company-filled life now would have felt like a lie to the past you. that's why it hurt you to hear him say such demeaning things about himself, like he accepted being an object to other people. people may claim it's because you're an engineer and find the beauty in machinery, but your feelings definitely extended past that. (and besides, you didn't like having to repair his metal limbs. you didn't like the flinching and/or jolts of sensation mingyu acts when you reconnect the nerves to wires. even though it never happened to you, you couldn't imagine how uncomfortable the feeling must be.) "you're not an object, gyu," you tell him seriously, breathing evenly through your nose. you watch his saddened expression melt into a relaxed albeit slightly strained smile. it doesn’t feel like entire belief, but it’s relieved. "i guess i'm okay as long as you still believe that," he says softly, "now ... should i get started on dinner?" "please -- i'm starving."

#seventeen #kim mingyu #mingyu seventeen #seventeen mingyu #seventeen imagines #seventeen imagine #svt imagine #svt imagines #svt scenarios #svt scenario #seventeen scenarios #seventeen scenario #mingyu scenarios #mingyu scenario #mingyu imagines #mingyu imagine

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stellartadashi · 7 years ago

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tagged by @inuoka-sou !! thanks for tagging me ilyyyy (imma put in under a cut cos im fancy)

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents?

i suppose

2. who did you last say “i love you” to?

my parents kjksalndi

3. do you regret anything?

recently befriending jerks >:P

4. are you insecure?

ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. what is your relationship status?

im lov jj

6. how do you want to die?

idk doin somethin cool, like eating mini muffins while skydiving

7. what did you last eat?

grapes :)

8. played any sports?

ya but now im just kinda doing running and volleyball

9. do you bite your nails?

only when im rly anxious

10. when was your last physical fight?

uhhh i pushed this girl off a raft jkdsjfhjsfkn (it was in all fun and games i didn’t just like,, push her lmao)

11. do you like someone?

;)

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

no im w e a k

13. do you hate anyone at the moment?

i suppose

14. do you miss someone?

uhhh ya

15. have any pets?

no ;-; (i want a cat)

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?

empty...??? idk im rly scared abt school

17. ever made out in the bathroom?

nah

18. are you scared of spiders?

depends on the situation

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

probably not cos that shit confuses the hell outta me

20. where was the last place you snogged someone?

my imagination🌈

21. what are your plans for this weekend?

uhhhhh i think im going to universal w friends

22. do you want to have kids? how many?

its too early to be thinking about this

23. do you have piercings? how many?

one in each ear (i want them to close but my mom won’t let me hnnasdhals)

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)?

english and literature hands down

25. do you miss anyone from the past?

not really??

26. what are you craving right now?

brownies.........

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

idk

28. have you ever been cheated on?

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

30. what’s irritating you right now?

my summer reading

31. does somebody love you?

hopefully, somehow my brain will always convince me that people don’t mean it

32. what is your favorite color?

pastel pink!!!!!

33. do you have trust issues?

34. who/what was your last dream about?

uhhhhh idk i think there was a restaurant in it???

35. who was the last person you cried in front of?

idk, probably my mom

36. do you give out second chances too easily?

yeah.............

37. is it easier to forgive or forget

i’d like to say forget but jaskljiasnldkfn

38. is this the best year of your life?

a lot of good things have happened this year so i suppose so!!!

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss?

n e v e r

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked?

41. favorite food?

i like spam and lumpia

42. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

i guess??

43. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

brainstorming

44. is cheating ever okay?

no, i honestly don’t understand why people would do it

45. are you mean?

i can be

46. how many people have you fist fought?

047. do you believe in true love?

yeah!! but of course there will still be arguments and flaws

48. favorite weather?

cloudy

49. do you like the snow?

it’s p cool (ayyy)

50. do you want to get married?

i havent really thought about it much aaaaa

51. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

meh (babe and bby are different jaskfjdskufsnakjdsfnskj)

52. what makes you happy?

friends! shows! games! music! some other things i cant think of right now!

53. would you change your name?

ya!!!!!!!!

54. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

yeah cos they don’t exist

55. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

turn them down and if they’re chill then cool still friends but if not then lmao bye

56. do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can act your complete self around?

57. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

jerk at camp >:(

58. who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

uhhhh jj i think?

59. do you believe in soulmates?

kind of?? not really tho

60. is there anyone you would die for?

tagging: @oohworm @ivegotthislove @super-fabulous-killjoy and @prettymuchadad jkajsdnk only if y’all want!!

#tag game

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unproduciblesmackdown · 8 years ago

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s2g that moss has even been foreshadowing that lars was gonna get briefly killed like…not that specific but since we’re shown that the moss is lars and the flowers have a bit of gem in them…………

ppl are always weird about stuff everywhere smh but like…theres been obviously weird things like being way more ok with ancient beings ready to destroy all life on the planet than lars being too ill-tempered or doing something selfish like…i see that…. like lars doesnt need to be redeemed for anything jeez. every episode where he does something crap its on a minor scale vs like endangering lives or something and he gets k.o’d for it and then makes some sincere form of apology like? theres your redemption…i guess maybe people expect him to become acceptable overnight maybe but thats how people work and then every episode is like The Lesson of the Week instead of a closer look at a character and another step in their development as people figuring themselves out

like literally every character has issues smh! in like this and everything also but like….honestly lars has been a super self conscious and anxious teen from the start and really unhappy and like sometimes he does dumbass shit but who hasnt. if you think youve never hurt people you havent been paying close enough attention

anyways one of the things i really dont like? despite general overall stuff like teenaged lars momentarily losing his patience and realizing he’s in the wrong and immediately trying to make amends = him being judged more harshly than like….every millenia-old actually murderous actual antagonist introduced…. is that overall? its like really really clear really early on that he’s always struggling with a lot of mental health issues, and a common theme is irl people who really do have disorders pointing this out. like, that point can be made for every character in su and lars isnt The Mentally Ill One who alone represents the whole of the universal mental illness experience because obviously that doesnt exist and its a very unique and personal experience, and people dont have to directly relate to lars or any other character with such problems to verify their own. but lars and the cool kids is like super upfront about anxiety and he obv has really low confidence and low self worth and i’ll fight anytime about island adventure hinting strongly at depression—in addition to having him state outright that he feels lonely and isolated all the time. and like, he hates the job he works all the time, he’s not good in school, he and sadie feel an early connection but they obviously had to do a lot of work on that and step on each other’s emotional fingers along the way to finally get to where they are now—which i’m guessing is dating but without acknowledging so or at least not to others, he isn’t very close to his parents currently, he starts the series with 1.5 friends maximum and cant even approach the cool kids besides being desperate to be friends with them

like clearly he’s unhappy and for a while sadie and steven are probably the people closest to him even tho he is a lot more annoyed by steven at the start of things when steven is more little-kiddish than he is now…..but lars still acts mostly like himself around them But at the start him and sadie have too many complications and uncertainties to be really comfortable and again steven doesnt really come across as very mature, with lars pointing it out just now how stevens changed in that way, and it being difficult anyways for lars to confide in anybody

so like lars is and has always been super super defined and restricted by his fear of everybody he encounters, specifically being afraid of being hurt by them / fear of being disliked. i like to say that i think the way he prevents himself / his image is meant to be a way of controlling the reactions he expects people to have: i.e. making people dislike him is less scary/painful than being judged badly while hoping for the opposite. but i also never like saying that anyone who consciously cultivates their Look is faker than someone who doesnt put any thought into it, or is lying to themselves or others or whatever, i just would bet thats a part of it. but moreso than that, the fact that he’s irritable and ill-tempered all the time fits really well as a result of being so unhappy and afraid and trying to deal with it solo. it’s not about him not caring about people, when on an unrelated note but related-to-the-universal-human-experience he does something thoughtless or mean or just generally crosses a line, he notices immediately when someone feels hurt, and he’s shown to immediately feel bad, arguably to a fault and going too far with how guilty he feels. but anyways clearly even though he has the capacity to hurt people’s feelings, he’s very sensitive to that, he cares deeply when it happens, and he doesn’t want to hurt people. like apologizing with any genuine depth to it right off is an incredibly difficult task even for grownass adults, and lars is already really good at it. its wild that people think of him as super cruel and selfish when it’s clear that he’s very emotionally vulnerable and doesn’t have the capacity to callously disregard other people’s hurt feelings

anyways a point i’m taking a really long time to come around to is that lars is a really good example of someone who’s young and unhappy and isolated and really struggling with a lot of things and afraid of everything and the fact is that usually when youre looking for characters who are struggling with this kind of shit you get one-dimensional, maybe even one-episode characters like the person who shows up for the very special episode where everyone has a serious talk and learns a serious lesson and the Depression Character never shows up again, having gone off to be depressed somewhere else since we already know about depressed people. or depression and anxiety is something that can be solved literally overnight if you just confront the root cause, like eliminating the life problem that made x depressed or giving y a makeover or throwing them a surprise party to show them they have friends or something. or you learn that joe the bully is actually just physically violent because he is insecure, whoa man. or the Sad Kid is a running joke and a periphery character and their parents are getting divorced etc etc etc etc

the point is that lars is a main character and even when he learns things about himself that put him in a better place than when the episode began, his issues still don’t vanish (and i wouldnt be surprised if people use that as evidence that his character doesnt “grow”). and dealing with / revealing some of his issues arent a special episode, its just an episode, and its about him. he’s developed over and over and he’s shown to be a complicated person. he’s shown to enjoy things and have interests and a life. he’s a regular character as much as anyone else is, he isnt set aside in a special category

but the thing is that maybe people expect Mentally Ill™ characters to be more of the hamfisted media clichés with zero nuance and about as much accuracy to them? because there’s always the sweet-and-soft kind of person who’s surely dealing with mental illness acceptably because they make up for it by being pure and noble and something approximately like a newborn lamb. like depression is being maybe a bit cagey and avoidant and crying a lot and writing poetry (which will later be revealed as their secret talent!!) and sighing and generally just waiting for someone to approach them, very gently because they are shy and nervous like a fawn, and that savior will cure them with love and also with showing them how beautiful life is!!! and then they will start wearing more colorful clothes and they will be happy and the depression is over now, because someone just had to show their delicate, beautifully wounded soul the light

trauma? you can tell someone has Trauma because they act very stoic and strong 1000% of the time no exceptions but it is just a façade. they will never talk about The Thing. they will finally talk about the thing because someone pries about it with pure intentions and it is a big dramafest and theyve never talked about this before and everyone cries and its super serious and heavy and the person is a bit softer after that because they could finally let it out that one time. thanks, another savior. having disorders is just having turned away from the light

the point is that irl obviously things are very different and its rare to see people with such issues being treated the same as any other character and being able to grow in a realistic way and being able to have flaws the way that everyone else does, not having to be a pure defenseless dewy-eyed baby kitten who someone strong and Normal needs to rescue and put on the right path away from these problems forever. being pissed off and frustrated and confused but trying a lot of different ways to figure things out anyways is a lot more common, the way lars reacts to and deals with his vulnerability is a lot more realistic than just being a fairy-tale in-distress type figure. his character feels a million times more like he was developed by people who understand what its like to be experiencing what he does and developed for people who can relate to him, rather than being made by and for people who cant directly relate and who tend to make content thats wholly inaccurate and treats that kind of thing like an Other issue for Others that you only need to learn bullet points about because if its going to be a part of your life it’ll be a fleeting, one-time thing, not your everyday reality

i mean, its unsurprising that lars is actually pretty comfortable with steven now, given how long theyve known each other, but also how relentless steven is in being supportive of lars and treating him like a friend. its not surprising that it took lars this long to accept that, or that it was in part forced along by being stuck in a “we might die” scenario with steven. and its important to point out that this wasn’t just lars changing that made their relationship better, but steven growing as a person as well. if you put both if them in that situation during the start of the series, they could probably get along better than usual still, but you cant say that this is the first sign of lars developing any more than you can say this is stevens first development. lars has been struggling with himself just as steven has, although not in a fate-of-the-world way till now. lars couldnt be so conscious of his own fear and frustrated with it, and steven wouldnt have the maturity to do stuff like freakin sacrifice himself for earth by separating himself from the other crystal gems, much less lend lars the emotional support needed to give lars enough confidence to protect the off-colors

lars has been developing the whole time and even if people look at individual episodes and think lars learns nothing during them, i cant see how anyone could deny that this isn’t a turning point for lars as much as its the culmination of a gradual path he’s already been on. not to mention that “turning point” has implications like “redemption arc,” as if lars was inherently bad or worthless at the start of the series. he wasn’t; none of the characters were, but each character and all of their relationships were least developed of course. we see details and different sides of the donuts right away, and they both care enough about steven to treat him more as a little brother than a customer and to humor him sometimes. theyve always been important, and the fact that lars has always been a main character in the set of protagonists and that steven has always been a friend means that he cannot be converted by a “redemption” arc. he’s already there smh he’s always been there. seriously name one episode where he’s done something shitty and didnt do anything to make up for it. the only thing unresolved rn is he couldnt fight topaz for sadie, and he said himself he felt guilty over it, and it was already at that point the boldest thing he’d done and like, its not that unreasonable for a wisp of a teen to be terrified by a giant gem warrior that he had zero chance of doing anything to anyways. it wasnt glistening heroics but if thats gonna condemn lars like throw me in the pit too i guess. then he went and died for twelve individuals and left himself defenseless in hostile unfamiliar territory so that steven can go back to earth so thats something. but before all this alien drama like, again…..he’s always directly apologizing for shit and he’s just making everyday kinds of fuckups. he beats himself up about stuff. and gets beat up. and really like doesnt ever require an apology when he’s the one to get hurt, which isnt a requirement by any means and which is probably part of him thinking too badly of himself

the point? that maybe i still havent made besides saying i was gonna make it like half a dozen times?? is that lars is a really real portrayal of a person dealing with things in a real way. and its not the “pain is transcendent” thing where if someone is Suffering from mental illness it makes them wiser and kinder and holier than us regular people. its not where all you need to help someone with mental illness is one incidence of reaching out and telling them you love them and look at the stars and isnt it lovely. its not where disorders themselves are an arc and at the end, people’s personalities will be indistinguishable from that of those who never experienced what they did. its where dealing with this shit is normal and human and everyday and its not beautiful and its not gonna make other people “inspired” or get to feel good about themselves as your savior. its about pushing people away or having them avoid you anyways because they can hurt you in ways they can’t understand as being hurtful and shits confusing and sometimes kids will lash out and i bet lars was a lot more Difficult closer to stevens age than he is now. its about characteristics that seem ugly or repulsive or otherwise don’t directly cry out for help. its about shit staying with you even while you’re trying to figure out how to work through it. its about the unpleasantness of it all but also the real humanity behind it, not just using it as some device. lars’s problems are about lars and belong to him

and yeah of course he hurts people, but literally all the characters do; it has nothing to do with having disorders or not. everyone hurts each other even though they love each other, sometimes with the best intentions or 0% knowingly because they just have to figure out more things about themselves and each other. everything is about people making mistakes. lars is no worse in that matter than any of the other characters, he just happens to have a less appealing/inviting personality, god forbid less relatable. in the recent episodes he didnt have his usual defensive abrasiveness, even his frustration with steven in “stuck together” wasn’t that significant, and wasnt even much directed at steven. after that he was just scared, without it being masked by anger. he could be brave for the other gems because he knew he wanted to be brave and he knew how it felt for them to be so afraid and he was finally told that it was an okay thing that he still felt terrified. he could be completely himself with steven because of all the ways steven has gotten to know lars and refused to stop valuing him and how steven has grown to be someone who could protect others on his own in serious situations—which in this case included supporting lars emotionally as well as protecting him physically. if lars was dropped in that situation with the kid who just learned to summon his shield and was having an ice cream crisis five minutes ago, he couldnt trust or rely on him or count on him for encouraging advice. the way lars is in the wanted arc being so different from earlier episodes is as much about stevens development as lars’s really

like the real lars is and always has been deeply sensitive to peoples feelings (to the point he feels extremely vulnerable to them e.g. afraid of being hurt by being regarded negatively) and he’s always cared about the people he feels close to and he’s always been capable of moments of bravery for the sake of others and he likes wrestling and he’s good at cooking and he’s a dumbass sometimes and he watches scary movies and plays video games and sucks at school and is grumpy and is passionate and is scared and is a huge nerd with nerd parents and he never got over feeling hurt by the explorer club incident and he doesnt like fries and he and his coworker like each other and relate to each other and he sees steven as his annoying little brother and he doesnt know what he wants and also he’s a bi icon, it must be exhausting

lars has always been good and complex and i might be willing to forgive my slight disappointment in people realizing he’s good only now if and only if they go back and acknowledge that he’s been good this whole time. like obviously he doesn’t have to be your Fave or even “liked” to just be not hated or to be recognized as a complex, solid character. lars is so, so developed, probably more than any other human. he’s always been important, even before his importance had direct cosmic significance. he’s always shown signs of being thoughtful and caring and soft, and the fact that he’s hurt people he cares about and who care about him isnt evidence that he’s bad, not only because of the fact that literally all the Good characters hurt each other, but because irl hurting people you love isnt even necessarily evidence of a failure, its just an inevitability, and what happens following the event is whats a lot more telling than the fact any negative emotions were ever a part of a good relationship

anyways what’s definitely true is that lars didnt need to die. it wasnt a necessary atonement for anything lars has ever done. he didnt and doesnt need to be redeemed. he just was willing to risk his life for gems in a situation he could immediately relate to, and that risk happened to win out momentarily. besides, what lars was overcoming in that situation was his own fear, it wasnt anything that caused the stuff in the past that people seem to think so badly of him for. he was also protecting steven, sure, but steven was pretty much fine by the end of it coz of his shield. but he also hadnt ever really Not protected steven or anything so he didnt really need to make up for that or whatever

also one more thing ive always meant to bring up is that lars doesnt think much of himself and is prone to being too hard on himself but i know there are probably plenty of people who believe him when he says he needs to “deserve” being alive again. nah!!!! lars always deserved it

#i havent rambled this long about lars in a minute sorry #as usual i lose track of the point i was saying and everything probably switches gears at some point but im just out here thinking these #essays in the back of my head so #Lars Was Always Good and is a great character #even having disappeared a lot he's been developed a ton #long post ////:

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years ago

Text

Trying to decide what to do today, as usual. Hb is going for a medical appointment and will be away a few hours. I could use that time to do something specific but I dont really know what. I still feel really just...blank. And I know as soon as I get desperate to feel something itll start a spiral because the only feelings available will be bad. Or drunk.

The therapist finally got back to me and said they can do online sessions so I think I should go for that. But I already feel like I dont know what to say or how to go about it. So now I'm nervous about that too.

It bugs me how my mind just always finds something to be anxious or upset about. I was annoyed at not getting a reply because I didnt really know whether I should send another email or call or if they decided I was too crazy or what. Now I have a reply and I'm anxious about the actual session. The part where I'm glad about getting a reply, being offered a session and not being labelled too crazy just comes and goes in an instant. Straight onto the next anxiety.

I guess I should make some notes and figure out what I want to say. This is where having a tumblr vent account comes in handy ha. I can just go back and see exactly what I said in all my worst moments and all the crap in between. I was thinking earlier that it would help me if i had something to look forward to on a regular basis, like if I met up with friends every weekend or something then at least I'd always know theres something good waiting if I can survive until then. I guess therapy will have to do.

So thinking about it...I guess I just make some notes today and that's that. I'm so low on energy again. Its probably still the aftermath of my 5 day drinking stint last week or whenever it was. Another thing I just have to wait around for. If I got through that without getting seriously ill then my liver must be mostly okay these days, which means I can expect to feel better in a week or two if I dont drink so much. The irritating part is that I'll feel better now if I drink a bit and cover it up. But then I dont get to feel better in a week if I keep drinking. I just have to survive. I hate this part.

I feel like the harder I try, the better I do when im trying, the worse my next breakdown is. I think it's because therapy and self improvement is tiring, and facing your issues is tiring, and when I'm tired I'm vulnerable and that's where I need the support more than ever. So then I fall harder for not having it. I never know whether i should just keep surviving and coping by drinking and whatever so i dont risk that, and hope that support just magically finds me, or try to fix myself so that i can go out and find support but risk that falling apart in the meantime. Neither is good. It just feels like whatever i do, i cant get away from my lack of support. I'm alone and no matter what i do i will always be alone. That hurts. It makes all the therapy feel pointless.

I used to always be someone who figured sulclde should be well planned and made sure of and only an absolute last resort, but these days I'm finding more and more that while sometimes I can just about survive, in my worst moments I just want to stop trying. The other day I was pretty much about to. If my next breakdown is worse than that, ad the pattern seems to be, I'll at least do serious damage and maybe need a hospital, and theres every chance that no matter how well I do at keeping myself busy most of the time I'll end up doing it anyway.

Getting better just doesnt seem doable at all because the things I need are out of my control. Idk. I already feel like today will be difficult. I feel sick as well. I'm not sure why. Could be a mental thing or physical. Could be withdrawal because of my 5-day wine binge. Probably is. Im beginning to feel like I can't do today sober. I dont know.

I dont know. I just dont know. I feel really stuck. I wish I could just sleep until I'm skinny and sober and someone misses me.

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asomeonenamedjey · 8 years ago

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can you answer all 150 in like a master post, you can take all the time you want, but honestly, I love knowing all that I can about my friends and people answering asks is like, my kink, so pls jey

LETS DO THIS (under the cut)

1.Who was the last person you held hands with? my friend ellie

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? it would be nice to see my pal @imametaphwhore

4. Are you easy to get along with? i guess so?

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? idk most likely my friends

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? feminine boys when it comes to looks and pursinalety wise i tend to find myself attracted to ppl who seem ultra anxious

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? lmao no

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ...no one really atleast not in a romantic sence

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really tbh

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my friend ellie...but it wasnt that

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “what do you wanna eat that isnt pizza”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? the entire wintergatan and detektivbyran albums

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i liked it when it was long but ppl cant really do it anymore since its short but i love it so so much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? miracles? no luck..sure

15. What good thing happened this summer? i got out of a toxic friendship and i grew as a purson

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? ...i think i kissed my mom a few weeks ago

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? yeah but not in the green human like thing with big black eyes sort of way

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? never had one

19. Do you like bubble baths? hell no

20. Do you like your neighbors? tbh i have no clue if i even have neighbors...

21. What are you bad habits? i actually tend to be really mean to others as a way to take out my anger in myself rather than properly managing self hatred and stuff..idk i know its bad and i want to stop =/

22. Where would you like to travel? germany!

23. Do you have trust issues? no but it takes me a long long time to warm up to someone

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? getting to watch wintergatan videos

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? idk tbh i actually dont mind my body much, i mean yeah it would be nice to look more masculen but i dont hate my body

26. What do you do when you wake up? to my desk where my computer is

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around? aside from family? idk i recently got really confterble with my pals ellie its been a while since ive gotten so close to someone

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? again i never dated anyone

30. Do you ever want to get married? not really

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? a tiny tiny one near the top

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? ....idk im not really attracted to anyone in that sort of way

33. Spell your name with your chin. ujew7yu

34. Do you play sports? What sports? no..

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? without TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? never liked anyone period

37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing...

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? dont have one... jessie eisenberg is pretty though

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? tbh i really like looking around in toy stores...

40. What do you want to do after high school? im not sure i might make music i might do more art i might become a doctor..im not sure

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes but if you fuck it up you deserve nothing

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im not too loud in the first place but im probubly overwelmed

43. Do you smile at strangers? no

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? yes

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? wintergatan..

46. What are you paranoid about? that ppl just think im gross are only talk to me out of pitty

47. Have you ever been high? no but my sister has lmao

48. Have you ever been drunk? no but my sister has lmao

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? navy green

51. Ever wished you were someone else? quite a few times acttually haha

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was cis

53. Favourite makeup brand? dont like makeup

54. Favourite store? ...hot topic..i dont buy clothes from there though

55. Favourite blog? star-nebula

56. Favourite colour? desatuated blues and reds i hate greens, yellows, and oranges

57. Favourite food? spaghetti+bread

58. Last thing you ate? mashed potatos and potato salad

59. First thing you ate this morning? 3 hashbrowns

60. Ever won a competition? For what? rythmic gysnastics

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? no..

62. Been arrested? For what? stepping on my dogs foot...he yelped and i turned myself in

63. Ever been in love? no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never had one

65. Are you hungry right now? i just ate mashed potatos and potato salad

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? alot of my real friends are also my tumblr friends

67. Facebook or Twitter? hate both

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? no

70. Names of your bestfriends? ellie emily and maka

71. Craving something? What? nothing

72. What colour are your towels? green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 body pillows and 1 small square one

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no there annoying

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 3 but all of them are smol and on my shelf

75. Favourite animal? i like whales

76. What colour is your underwear? dark green

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? green tea

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants? grey

81. Favourite tv show? none atm

82. Favourite movie? why stop now

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? heathers

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? none

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? dont like the movie

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? dory

87. First person you talked to today? my mom

88. Last person you talked to today? my mom

89. Name a person you hate? fuckin ethan

90. Name a person you love? emily maka ellie charlie

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? no im chill

92. In a fight with someone? no im chill

93. How many sweatpants do you have? like 4

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 3

95. Last movie you watched? hethers

96. Favourite actress? dont have one

97. Favourite actor? as i said i like jesse eisenberg alot

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? 2 betta fish and an old dog i love them

100. How are you feeling? good alittle tired and a little bitter sweet

101. Do you type fast? i think so?

102. Do you regret anything from your past? toxic friendship i was in

103. Can you spell well? lmao no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? my uncle sam, he’s gone now though

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yeah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? probubly

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah her name was penelope

108. What should you be doing? studying german

109. Is something irritating you right now? idk im tired of most humans atm

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? ive wanted physical affection from someone so bad it hurt but nothing romantic

111. Do you have trust issues? no not really

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my friend grechen i think

113. What was your childhood nickname? birth name..nothing speacial

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? oh yeah 100%

115. Do you play the Wii? not anymore but i have one

116. Are you listening to music right now? yeah

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? sorta

118. Do you like Chinese food? yeah

119. Favourite book? idk

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no but sometimes my imaganation gets the best of me

121. Are you mean? yes and i dont like it

122. Is cheating ever okay? no not ever

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? i cant keep black shoes clean take a lucky guess

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? no

126. Are you currently bored? not really

127. What makes you happy? music art wintergatan

128. Would you change your name? already did (not officaly but whatever)

129. What your zodiac sign? leo

130. Do you like subway? its alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell them im not into them and see what happens

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? i think i already answered this

133. Favourite lyrics right now? none right now

134. Can you count to one million? anyone can if they have the time

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? “i didnt kick that kid” I WAS 6 OK SHUT UP

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

137. How tall are you? 5′3 i think

138. Curly or Straight hair? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? brunette

140. Summer or Winter? fall

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? dont have one april i guess

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk

145. Tea or Coffee? tea

146. Was today a good day? yeah

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? “Talent is totally overrated patience and hard work is all you need”

149. Do you believe in ghosts? no

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line “my death-wound fron the side whence i expecten no ill, and be safe on that where i looked for most danger”

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