#or how some conservative parent's being homophobic is more important than us being outed. whatever
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4filen0tfound4 · 2 years ago
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Anyways hi my boss thought me and my friend were dating (bc of rumors) then proceeded to say we can't be affectionate during work bc we might lose conservative parents. Then rushed to say she's not homophobic and doesn't hate us. We're not even dating
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diamondcitydarlin · 4 months ago
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'time for round two of making teenagers uncomfortable on the internet'
Listen. No one is shipping beetlebabes for the sole purpose of 'making teenagers uncomfortable on the internet'. Unless the adults in question are your parents/guardians, none of them are responsible for the stuff you might see while being 'on the internet'. None of them are responsible for your discomfort from what you might see. None of them are obligated to stop having fun in their own fandom spaces simply because a teenager exists 'on the internet' who doesn't like it (who is also perfectly capable of staying out of places they don't want to see, I PRESUME) no more than adults at a bar are obligated to not drink because there are people under the age who can't (fittingly, most bars in the US don't admit people under the age at all). You know who is responsible? Depending on your age of teenagedom, it's either to some extent your parents/guardians, but also you. Yeah, sweetie, you. I've been on the internet since the late 90's when I was NINE and I'm here to tell you right now that learning how to cultivate your own experience online is an extremely important tool. If you don't learn now how to keep your nose out of things that you don't like, you're going to have a very hard time filled with round-about arguments and constant drama and maybe worse when you could just be having fun with the things you do like and ignoring the stuff you don't. You see, my sweet summer child, feeling 'discomfort' about something benign does not inherently give you the right to shit all over whatever it is that made you uncomfortable or make up insinuations about the consenting adults participating in it. Unless there are people dropping shipping art into your inbox against your will or something (there aren't) it actually is none of your business at all, and doesn't concern you in the least. Like my goodness, you kids have ALL kinds of protections you can use to weed out things you don't want to see that we didn't have back when I was a 'teenager on the internet', blocking, blacklisting, browser extensions that can help with that, etc, and yet somehow we seem to have better understood back then how to mind our own business and stay out of fandom spaces we didn't want to be in. Nowadays all I see are children running into the devil's sacrament uninvited and claiming to be personally affected by said sacrament when all of us are wondering what the fuck they're doing there in the first place when there are clear signs denoting what sacrament this is. You don't have to see the movie, you don't have to see shipping content, you don't have to be 'exposed' to any of this at all; in this day and age, you choose to be, which makes any discomfort you feel as a result of that your own responsibility. The only person making 'teenagers uncomfortable on the internet' in this specific instance are the teens themselves.
And again, a little crash course in history here since the education system probably failed you, but using simply the existence of children as an excuse for why adults can't do consenting adult activities with each other has historically been used as a way to demonize and weaponize violence against marginalized groups. Yall are literally just stealing pages from homophobic/misogynistic/racist/transphobic conservative playbooks. That may not be your ultimate goal in coming after fandom spaces, but it's where that kind of behavior and thinking always ends up in the end. If you think alt-right entities won't harness that sense of youthful moral outrage for their own ends then I have a bridge to sell you.
Anyway, point being, no random adult on the internet or IRL is responsible for you. Random adults on the internet or IRL are not your parents/guardians. They have no obligation to eschew their own interests just because kids are wandering into places where they shouldn't. I honestly worry for any child on the internet who thinks this way, because there are absolutely predators out there that will abuse this sense of 'every adult is responsible for my comfort'. They aren't, and I'm sorry the adults in your life that actually are responsible for you failed you so much as to not teach you otherwise. Unlearn this now before you get hurt, please.
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siphonophoresupernumerary · 2 months ago
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You gots to have the patience to teach, walk people through things. It looks like a LOT of people did not understand the full ramifications of their vote, and they need someone to explain it to them. A lot of conservatives are conservative because they don't feel like they are welcome amongst the left, and while they weren't so conservative before, they became more conservative later as they spent more time away from people they thought rejected them. And to be fair a lot of them are complex people with bad beliefs and not enough experience in cultural diversity to play ball with communists and anarchists, but so long as they feel welcomed or at least tolerated they will find their spots, some will become anti-fascist and allies and some will become left leaning centrists. And that is ok. Massive action hardly ever happens, it requires everyone to be on the same page and it worries me how everyone is forgetting that you only KNOW the things that you HEAR, and there's so much conflicting information to hear! And everyone gets caught up in how they feel and what they've heard before and what they've heard before creates ideological momentum in what they will believe next. No one is immune to this effect.
In high school I was a homophobic fascist who hardly knew any better and couldn't grasp how these beliefs, when acted on by others I helped put into power, would effect the world and those around me. But I was also a self described communist. I recognized the power and unity of fascism and the mutualistic power and unity of communism. I still had a lot to learn about myself and political ideologies. Coming out of high school I was a sexist too depressed to be a fascist(other people get depressed into fascism, I'm probably weird) socialist-communist who has started to put together theories on small mutualistic communities being fairly stable governmental structures, but my depression told me that there would be a constant backslide into power grabbing and pain and war.
Had I not been friends with my partner (something my ex was against) I would have wandered amidst whatever ideologies came my way over the internet and at the pulpit at church and on the radio(which was always NPR thanks to my parents). My parents gave me a liberal christian upbringing, an oddity among christian culture, but I was able to deviate from that all on my own, to good and bad places. My partner who was already gay and trans and poly and not Christian, who had built up trust over the dark days of quarantine and was not afraid to correct me gently enough to not hurt my feelings (though she will claim he was mean about it) led me by the hand farther left than my parents.
There is a world where instead of the nonbinary mostly pan transwoman who is proud of her weirdness, I am a man full of hate from high school that never healed, a strict judge, a nationalist with a penchant for authoritarianism. I could have strayed into racism, transphobia, ableism, as it was I struggled to let go of my eugenics ideas until I understood that the slippery slope can taint any belief. Being able to gene edit your children leading to Gattaca (1997) or the eugenics wars in Star Trek. The socialist Soviet Union failing because it was an authoritarian nationalist state with a growing oligarchy rather than communism simply not working. No governance works off paper for too long, even anarchy will eventually create a government on it's own.
What helped me most was a firm belief that no one deserves to die, and no one deserves to suffer, and no one gets to chose to kill or inflict pain on others. Christians believe in Loving Thy Neighbor, but they also believe in hard work and earning their way into earthly prosperity and heaven after they die. Some suffering is ok, it's just god testing us. What you need to do is impress upon them the importance of loving thy neighbor. It is second only to "Loving the Lord Thy God". A lot of christians won't be moved by this, and that is ok, conserve your patience and energy to apply it where it is needed most. You cannot be mean if you want them to join you, and I know they can be so so annoying, but the constant sniping and yelling only serves to solidify factions, which is what the rights leadership wants. They want us to divide and fight between eachother. It is up to us to be kind, but also take no shit. Some values you will not be able to change, but if you can make them feel more comfortable with us than them then they'll get closer to us and see things our way.
The issue with conservatives is that their leadership is lying to them, about so much. Their system of beliefs is so much about faith in unreachable authority figures, and their leaders know this and manipulate it. And now we see illegal immigrants who voted for Trump getting reported by their Trump voting neighbors and deported. The economy is genuinely in a bad spot but to them it's so much more dramatic and they're promised fixes if they just have faith and keep voting red. At the ground floor, christians are generally Nice, though not necessarily Kind, and that is welcoming for a lot of people who are looking for community, safety, and direction.
The issue with liberals (and by that I mean literally anyone left of center) is that they love to nitpick and talk and argue. They're Kind but not Nice and that drives people away. Plus they tend to reject any bandaids because it's not the perfect size bandage for any given wounds, and so things don't get done in a hurry and no one is happy with what you actually end up with. Also the aforementioned fractioning of factions helps induce this inability to compromise with eachother, and the people on the right who create their rhetoric draw acceptable lines in unique places depending on who they are and who they appeal to, creating so many levels of acceptable variations. Then when that rhetoric meets the leftist shores it feels disjointed and impossible to appease, and that's true of the most staunch supporters. In reality most people have their own unique nuances and lines that they've made, and they can be reached.
There IS racism and sexism and homophobia and transphobia and antisemitism and more in both groups. You would be surprised to see how little in some conservative spots, though on the whole the left has more of a handle on it, though again, they're Kind but not Nice and that gets them into trouble and fractioning with themselves.
My mother's side of the family lives in the poorest county in the state, directly on the bible belt, mormon for generations even, some of them went west with the pioneers. That land has been in the family since it was colonized, and I'm told it was purchased from the indigenous people who lived there, though whether it was a fair deal I have no way to know. Most everyone there is a republican and Trump supporter to boot. But my family has been a pillar of liberalism in spite of it all around them. Generations back a great great great (or so) grandmother wrote a feminist essay about how she ought to be treated the same as men, women were always a huge influence in the family, it was the wife who had the family move back from out west, they are educated, almost all women in the family on recent generations were and are teachers of one form or other. They hold such beliefs as "military bad actually" "Universal Basic Income is really good and also The Future" and "illegal immigrants are literally our neighbors. Be nice to them they're normal people". They vote blue, and they try to have civil conversations with their red neighbors, they don't always get queer stuff but they were fine that I have a trans boy partner, and have attended pride events.
City leftists love to hate on rural folk, and honestly they have earned the ire, but so many of them are ignorant, stuck in the rut of Fox News feeding them stories of terrorist immigrants and litterpans in schools. They care a lot about economy because they're poor. From what I hear from city folk complaining about things they've heard about country folk, it appears to me to be influencers wearing the trappings of poor working class country folk while they have spotless or neatky cluttered kitchens and time to wear makeup all the time. My family has lived next to a burned up husk of a house for around 15 years. I don't remember the last time they had a clean house and I was around shortly after it was built. Drugs run rampant in the country, anything to distract from your own poverty and give you some feeling of control until it tears families apart.
You HAVE to be kind, you HAVE to be patient. If you don't have the energy then just ignore them. Stick up for yourself, and be willing to give them time to change on their own too. A mind isn't usually changed in just one day, especially when its a long held belief that has been unchallenged, or refined in the fires of seeing weirdos on the other side and being told what they think and why by people who don't have their best interests at heart or are cynics who call themselves realists. Be firm, but also open minded, sometimes they'll agree with you in a really annoying way, show that you do care about them and their feelings, but don't roll over and let them walk all over you. If they won't listen then they won't listen, you have done what you can.
Good luck out there
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tevanbegins · 4 years ago
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The Schmico haters' reasons for calling Nico toxic are that he doesn't talk about his feelings, forced Levi to come out to his mom while he himself lied about being out to his parents, only uses Levi for sex, and is rude and emotionally abusive to Levi.
All these are invalid or exaggerated arguments, and below I have elaborated why:
1. It is not easy for Nico to talk about his feelings especially when he is forced to confront them against his will. He was probably raised to be practical and perfect all the time and he fears that talking about his emotions shall make him vulnerable. But in spite of this he always tries to communicate with Levi whenever he feels ready. He also always listens to whatever Levi has to say and never judges him for being too emotional. No two people are exactly alike and there are bound to be some differences between them that we need to respect, but what's more important here is that Nico is trying to work on his shortcomings and Levi is giving him the space he needs to do that. They are working on their issues through mutual understanding and this is exactly what healthy progress looks like. It is anything but toxic.
2. Nico never 'forced' Levi to come out to his mom. Yes he got a bit mad when he found out that Levi hadn't told her, but that was only because he knew how close Levi was to her and that he still lived under her roof. So he assumed that Levi would have told her about this important new development in his life. But he understood when Levi explained why he hadn't told her about it and they were good again. Levi came out to his mom several episodes later only when he thought he was ready and not because Nico forced him. It came as a surprise to Nico too when Levi did that because he was not at all expecting him to do it, and it brought tears to his eyes.
Another point to be noted, Nico has never lied about being out to his parents. He expressed his desire of wanting Levi to spend Christmas with his family as a joke and I think Levi got that, because it was very early on in their relationship at that point of time and neither of them knew how serious they would get about each other later. Hiding the truth is not the same as lying (and I don't remember anybody calling Derek a liar for keeping his marriage to Addison a secret from Meredith), so Nico is definitely not one. Nico's fears are not unfounded. He comes from a rigidly conservative Asian family and already knows how homophobic his parents are. He doesn't think that it is a safe space for him to come out. It is important to be mindful of the culture difference between Levi and Nico's families so it won't be half as easy for Nico to tell his folks than it was for Levi to tell his mom.
3. A handsome and gorgeous man like Nico would never need to 'use' anybody for sex. Taking comfort in the physical aspect of his relationship with Levi was his way of coping with his fears and to avoid talking about his parents. I agree that it was not a good thing. But if he didn't love Levi and sex was his only motive then he could have easily cheated on him or rebounded with some other guy after their break-up. He didn't do that. He came back to Levi only because he obviously still has feelings for him, it is just that he is struggling to confess them openly.
Nico suggested 'stress relief' because he not only missed being around Levi but also because he was concerned about him being at risk of getting COVID due to his medical history of Broken Heart Syndrome. He asked for Levi's consent that time and specifically told him that he could say "No." Besides, that act in the supply closet was more pleasurable to Levi than it was to him if you know how gay sex works. And Nico was surely bluffing about being incapable of love and affection (most probably to avoid confrontation about his parents or that new dream job he was pursuing) because his actions always prove otherwise – be it paying his full attention to Levi, giving pep talks, cuddling, giving a comforting hug, planting a forehead kiss, holding hands, etc. Him not saying "I love you" out loud a hundred times a day doesn't mean that he is not in love with Levi, he simply expresses his love differently.
4. Nico behaved rudely with Levi for a while after revealing that he wasn't out to his parents, but he was never emotionally abusive in any way. He was clearly going through a phase that frightened him and it made him suppress his emotions as a defense mechanism. So he emotionally shut himself out and was a little mean to Levi, but he was completely honest about what he could and could not offer him at that point of time in their relationship. An emotionally abusive person would make false promises of love to keep the person that they are involved with under their trap, and then continue to violate them. If Nico was like that then he wouldn't have chosen to break it off with Levi when he said that he wanted more from him. He thought it was better to end the relationship then than to give Levi false hopes when he himself couldn't make sense of any of his feelings. This is definitely not toxic behaviour.
It is okay if haters don't like Nico or Schmico because we don't need their validation to stan anything, but they should accept that this hatred is due to their own personal preferences and not wrongfully declare Nico to be toxic because they have been quite easy-going with other characters who have made way worse mistakes in relationships than he ever did. The hypocrisy is out there for everyone to see. But they have no right to spread misconceptions about someone else's comfort ship or characters based on careless observations. Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate. That's all. ✌
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and-then-there-were-n0ne · 4 years ago
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On May 14th, 2021, The Lancet published an editorial titled “A flawed agenda for trans youth”. This contains a number of weak or flawed arguments and rhetorical framing that I believe are far below the quality one might reasonably expect from a publication as prestigious as The Lancet.
On April 6, 2021, amid a flood of new bills to curb the rights of transgender and gender diverse (trans) youth in the USA, Arkansas became the first state to prohibit doctors from providing youth (<18 years) with gender-affirming treatment: puberty blockers, hormone therapy, and gender-affirming surgery.
From the outset, the focus is on the political and legal situation in the US, which of course is not reflective of the global picture. Seen from the UK, our legislative, medical and political landscape are markedly different, but that has not stopped this article being shared approvingly by UK-based lobbyists such as Stonewall’s Nancy Kelley.
Here we see that editorials such as this are not merely narrowly focused on the specifics - and ethics - of care of vulnerable youth, but actually in service of wider political lobbying. This is evident from the language and framing of the whole editorial:
However, what the bills seek to protect appears to be traditional gender norms, using a vulnerable group in a protracted culture war. The bills' socially conservative advocates create fear by focusing on emotive issues, honing the same messaging around protecting women and children that was used in earlier campaigns against abortion and same-sex marriage. As clinicians, it is important to use evidence to debunk the false claims being made.
The author castigates “social conservatives”, and links opposition to euphemistically titled “gender-affirmative care” as akin to anti-abortion or anti-gay marriage.
This is a binary framing that bears no real relation to the actual breadth of opinion and concern out there. For sure, many social conservatives are in opposition on those grounds - but there is a failure to recognise and account for the positions of the many people who come from an entirely different position. People who embrace and encourage gender nonconformity, who fought for gay marriage, and who now see current attitudes as a regressive approach to behavioural stereotypes that are harming predominantly gay and lesbian youth.
Disproportionate emphasis is given to young people's inability to provide medical consent, a moot point given that—like any medical care—parental consent is required.
This is not a moot point. A parent does not have unlimited power to subject a child to elective medical treatment. Indeed, this is the entire crux of the matter: is the treatment necessary? Does the potential benefit outweigh the potential harm? Is a child capable of understanding what they are consenting to?
This is why so much of this is framed in life-or-death terms - because absent some imminent threat, there is no justification for subjecting a child to experimental treatment in the first place.
Supplanting parents with the law for this decision presumes that a parent living alongside their child cannot grasp what is best for them, despite often witnessing many years of struggle.
And yet, parents abuse their own children, and sometimes the duty of the state is to intervene in the best interests of the child. This is a legitimate conflict - simplistically pretending it doesn’t exist, or that a balance is not needed to be struck, denigrates the debate.
Driving this consent narrative is the anxiety evoked by focusing on the minority who regret transition (estimated as 1% of adults who had gender-affirming surgery as adolescents).
This cites a recent meta-analysis of 27 articles, going back to the 80s. As such, I think it has the following weaknesses for making this specific claim:
It covers decades of adult transitioners. Adults are not directly comparable to children because there is wide variation in the persistence of dysphoria past adolescence (as high as 88% in a recent study). This is a key point of contention with early intervention, because this would indicate a nearly 9-in-10 chance of unnecessarily and permanently medicating a child. If regret samples are only drawn from the pool of those who persist into adulthood, then of course regret measures will be lower.
It covers surgical outcomes only. This again does not apply to children maybe given puberty blockers and hormone treatments.
Patients lost to followup or who (for whatever reason) do not proceed to surgery are often not accounted for - and by the above metric these could easily be patients who presented for treatment, before desisting, something much more likely with younger patients. For example, the meta-analysis cites the following paper as having a cohort of 132, only 2 of whom express regret. But actually, the paper starts with 546, which becomes 201 participants, only 136 of whom proceed to surgery, 4 of which are lost to followup. This is a very different picture, with 75% of the recruited sample an unknown quantity - and it is those lost to contact, or refusing to participate, or who simply drop out that are most likely to contain those with regret.
Whatever else, I don’t think that regret rates of adult surgical transition are a useful proxy for regret rates of children who have been affirmed as the opposite sex from a young age and proceed through puberty blockers to cross-sex hormones. I think these are entirely different groups, and using the best-case success rate of one to downplay concerns about the other is disingenuous.
However, in any situation when medical treatment will alter a person's identity, no one can know whether post-treatment regret will occur; therefore what matters ethically is whether an individual has a good enough reason for wanting treatment. Regardless of law makers' stance on identifying with a gender other than one's birth-assigned sex, the autonomy for this decision lies with young people and their parents.
Autonomy, but also clear and informed consent. A child who simplistically believes they are in the wrong body, who may be struggling with internalised homophobia - or homophobic parents - and comorbid mental health issues. Who has been told by people they trust that blockers and other interventions are necessary, and that they will simply go through the “correct” puberty for their “identity”, is being told lies. Phrasing such as “birth-assigned sex” is part of that lie - for sex is determined at conception, and cannot be changed. The association of the word “gender” with “sex” is part of that lie. How can anybody meaningfully consent when surrounded by such imprecise language? Why are children encouraged to change their sex characteristics to express their “gender identity”? What does any of this even mean? When even the Lancet publishes misleading data about rates of regret, or the reversibility and side effects of blockers (see below), how can a child understand this complicated and contradictory picture and offer informed consent?
More fear is stoked by rhetoric about a malevolent threat to children. Social conservatives in the USA, UK, and Australia frame gender-affirming care as child abuse and medical experimentation. This stance wilfully ignores decades of use of and research about puberty blockers and hormone therapy: a collective enterprise of evidence-based medicine culminating in guidelines from medicalassociations such as the Endocrine Society and American Academy of Pediatrics. Puberty blockers are falsely claimed to cause infertility and to be irreversible, despite no substantiated evidence.
Again, the editorial frames opposition as “socially conservative” - and completely ignores the social progressives who are expressing concern. This is simply not a narrative that fits the polarised binary of US liberal/conservative politics. In fact - especially in the UK - opposition is largely left wing, from those who don’t believe that gender nonconformity is something that should be medicalised, and who are worried at the prevalence of gay and lesbian youth in the cohort of children now being referred for paediatric transition.
It is telling also that the study offered to rebut the claims about infertility or irreversibility of blockers is not applicable. The cited paper is a study of the effects of blockers as a treatment for several conditions, but the author here cites the outcome when treating precocious puberty, ie in the instances where a young child is given blockers to halt early pubertal development for a short period, and then allow the remainder of normal adolescence to continue as much as possible.
This is not at all applicable to the treatment of children who go on to cross-sex hormones. These children never experience natural puberty. Blockers in this instance do not delay, they prevent it entirely, and substitute with synthetic hormones to encourage the development of opposite sex characteristics. This is a wholly different treatment pathway, and yes, blockers cause infertility and in some cases complete loss of sexual function, as well as other long term issues.
And the paper itself confirms this:
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I believe The Lancet are wholly wrong to present this position with such certainty, and that by making claims that are contradicted by the given citation they fatally undermine this claim.
The dominance of the infertility narrative, usually focused on child-bearing ability, perhaps reveals more about conservatives' commitment to women's role as child-bearers.
Again, this does a huge disservice to the actual debate. The focus is on such things as fertility and sexual function because these are the very things children are incapable of consenting to lose. A child cannot know if they will never want to have a child of their own. A child too young to experience an orgasm cannot consent to never experiencing one.
Puberty blockers are framed as pushing children into taking hormones, whereas the time they provide allows for conversations with health providers and parents on different options. Gender transition involves many decisions over a long time, and those who take hormones do so because they are trans. Contrary to claims of a new phenomenon, trans youth have always existed; historians show they have sought trans medicine since it became possible: the 1930s in the USA.
The concern is that affirming the social sexual transition of a child too young to understand what sex is, is fixating on a fantasy identity that then becomes a medical one, again before a child is too young to know the implications. This is something borne out by the difference in desistance rates between children left to resolve their gender identity in adolescence (ie, allowing non-conforming boys and girls to simply be authentically nonconforming boys and girls) which are up to 88%, and the <1% desistance rate seen with the affirmation approach at the Tavistock. If the intervention itself is fixating and medicalising an otherwise fluid identity, is that really in the interests of the child? And again, this was found in the Keira Bell case - blockers are not in practice “a pause” for “time to think”, rather an early intervention to avoid the development of secondary sexual characteristics and lay the ground for inevitable cross-sex hormones.
Focusing on potential harms ignores the fact that wellbeing is broader than physical health alone. The harms to wellbeing posed by prohibiting care are huge. Being a marginalised group (<2% of US youth), trans youth already experience the stress of discrimination and stigmatisation. They have high rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide: almost double the rates of suicide ideation of their cis peers. As Laura Baams discusses in her Comment, puberty blockers reduce suicidality.
Except as the published work by the Tavistock shows, this is not true. Blockers don’t improve mental health outcomes at all, and indeed the focus on avoiding the development of secondary sex characteristics may even be creating distress.
Additionally, such studies of mental health and suicidality are skewed both by sex differences and confounding comorbidities. Notably, girls are more likely to suffer poor mental health than boys, especially lesbian and bisexual girls. There are large numbers of co-presenting conditions, like eating disorders and self-harm - and it is specifically among girls that we are seeing a large rise in identifying as trans or non-binary.
The author says they have poor mental health because of discrimination and stigmatisation. However, another hypothesis might be that children are identifying as trans as a response to homophobia (as has been reported at the Tavistock), or - in the case of girls - as an escape from a highly sexualised culture of objectification, or experiencing social contagion in friendship groups as has been shown with eating disorders and self-harm in the past. Do they have poor mental health because they are trans, or do they identify as such in response to poor mental health and other social factors?
Separating out whether identifying as trans is a cause of or a response to such things is difficult, but statements like the above are reductive and simplistic. The author leaves no room for such alternative interpretations of the same evidence, which again falls into the whole polarised culture-war framing of the article. Such alternatives invariably are not given weight in pieces like this because they do not fit that narrative.
Removing these treatments is to deny life.
And here is the crux of it - the emotional blackmail. The only thing that could possibly justify the risk of unnecessarily sterilising children is the threat of death.
Moreover, whereas the bills focus on medical treatments, the care trans youth receive is far wider in scope. Those seeking care typically also see social workers and psychiatrists, and much of health providers' work involves listening, talking, and setting up support in their families, schools, and communities. Health providers also discuss with them the idea that gender is something we “do” in social practice and can take many forms.
I struggle to see what the point of this paragraph is. If wider care and therapy are not under threat, why mention them? If the focus of legislation is on medical interventions, then talking about other forms of care is irrelevant. If people are arguing for less medical intervention and more of these wider social measures, then what is the author taking issue with?
Indeed, some choose social transition without medical treatment, and it is useful to remember that the notion of gender dysphoria perpetuates the historical pathologisation of gender diversity. Challenging the current social construction of male–female will undoubtedly ease trans youths' lives, reducing the pressure of rigid definitions. But alongside these social aspects is a pressing need for medical care.
This is pure doublespeak. What is more pathologising of gender diversity than the medication of children who display it, to “fix” their bodies so that they match their expression?
It is precisely the opposition to the pathologisation of gender nonconformity that is at the heart of many progressive objections to the current treatment regime.
We would agree that encouraging children to express themselves however they like is the aim - but we argue that telling them that they need to somehow “correct” their bodies in order to do this is a regressive step. You cannot literally change sex, and telling young children that you can, or connecting such things to stereotypical dress and behaviour and ephemeral feelings is so bizarre that I am still staggered as to how prevalent such a conservative idea is among supposed “progressives”.
Indeed, the idea that you can literally change your sex in this way also means that you can literally change your sexuality. With the right treatment, apparently a gay child becomes the straight one they truly were all along. Can the author really not see how some gay and lesbian people might be appalled by such measures? Might see such interventions as conversion therapy?
This editorial is partisan and polarising. It relies on limited or questionable evidence, does not consider the full range of contradictory evidence, and focuses on a narrow - and false - political framing of a complex and wide-ranging issue. It does nothing more than provide superficial legitimacy and ammunition to a particular political stance, rather than any sort of informative or open assessment of the evidence or genuine criticism.
As such, it is no different to 99% of what is written on this subject, but I do feel that The Lancet ought to aspire to more.
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autumnpleaves · 4 years ago
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My friend is homophobic and Im not out to her yet. Other than that, she’s really awesome. What do I do? Am I supposed to stop being her friend??? -C
*stunned silence* 
*sudden release of air* 
Aight, C. You’re in some deep, deep, deep snow right now- 
Let’s see.
First step, do you know where this belief comes from?
Is it like from her parents, religious beliefs, the internet, social media, something? At all? Like coz as humans that socialize and interact, we are constantly being influenced without us knowing, and maybe through understanding the root of your friend’s homophobia. 
This is important, because well, assuming because you say that she’s *really* awesome, that means this friend means *kinda* a lot to you. So in trying to *salvage* this relationship, let’s say you try to reason with your friend. 
Second step, so- you know where the idea came from, what now? 
Well if it’s a religious thing, then that might be a little complicated. As a religious person myself, I kind of understand where people like this might come from. But as we all should remember that the main core and center of say like Christianity, or something (sorry, I can also speak for the Christianity peeps) should be Love and Caring. 
If it’s a family thing, that would be also- complicated. (Realizing this, is really down-heartening honestly, homophobia in general is just... complicated). Usually, people who’s views are affected by like family beliefs would hold on to that belief really tight, like... especially if they are influenced from a really young age. But I do believe that if your friend is willing to keep an open mind, anything is possible. 
Do keep in mind though, that if you want to confront this friend, remain calm. 
Usually, homophobia is caused by lack of information/knowledge on the topic, and so it’s usually surrounded by stereotypes from like media or family. You could try educating yourself on some FAQs and what not. It’s easy to find them online. 
There is a possibility that your friend simply has not have a friend that is part of the LGBTQIAP+ community, and just simply doesn’t understand how a relationship between the same sex or gender might work. That is valid, and remember, that if you do try to challenge this view, it’s not going to change overnight. 
They might be suppressing their own identity, and is simply oppressed and hides in the closet of internal homophobia (not always true, but likely most of the time). 
Maybe try educating them, gently and with compassion. 
No one likes a lecture, just ~maybe~ casually say something like... “Hey, have you ever noticed like children with two moms/dads are as happy as we are-” OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT- Okay, I’m not an expert at imaginary conversations. I do think that maybe if y’all are in like a conservative area, not enough *exposure* to these things may induce beliefs like “They’re disgusting, sinful, etc. etc.”.  
There are like many really interesting and helpful facts out there, such as like- 
Did you know that by normalizing same sex marriages, it can actually save taxpayers money and could boost the economy? Coz like weddings, and this is not a secret, can be like really expensive and by normalizing it or at the very least, like legalizing it would boost the economy and tax and stuff, and would support more jobs for the people out there! So in like a round about way kind of route, it helps :D 
(Lemme know if this is like wrong or whatever, I tried to do my proper research- I’ll cite my sources if you wanna read more) 
Another fact, is that most homosexual relationships are *obviously* not that different from heterosexual ones. Both of those relationships seek long lasting and happy relationships, and well if homosexuals find happiness, joy, and love in another homosexual, then shouldn’t that be a good thing and a celebrated thing? 
Why is marriage a really important thing, you ask? Well from the resources I have collected and my own opinions and thoughts... 
Marriage is essentially kind of like having like a ‘privelage card’ I guess you can say that? I wouldn’t phrase it that way, but from what I read it allows like economic and social support to the couples (from the government?). 
*MOST* married people experience better physical and mental health. Marriage in most places allow couples the tools and the security to build a life together, protect their families, and (according to source) state and federal marriage laws provide a safety net of over 1200 *LEGAL and ECONOMIC PROTECTION* for married couples and their children. 
This is important when visiting the spouse in the hospital, transferring property, and a whole lotta legal stuff that you can read more about online :)  
“Why is this going all the way to marriage? Literally all I asked is about whether or not I should stay friends with this person. :|”
You’re right, but I can’t resist ;) 
XDDD
I’m just giving resources and maybe facts and statistics to back it up, if your friend is that type of person. (Unless it’s a more religious thing, then that’s going to be hard, and you might want to like... I wouldn’t say blackmail? But like read up on your friend’s religion (if she has one) online and how or what the religion says about such topics. (Yes, I am well aware there are *LOADS* online going the opposite way [I am disappointed to see it, but *shrugs*] find the ones where they *DO* support LGBTQIAP+ folks :)) ) 
I’m sorry that this is kinda long, and all. I just hope everything goes well. 
Just a quick side note-
If you feel unsafe or like doubtful on whether or not you should come out to someone (your friend in this context-) I think it’s best you Don’t. 
I’m not saying you should never, but your friend could out you and blackmail or bully you, and that is not fun. 
Especially since you know that she is has homophobic ideas, I advise you not to touch that coming out closet yet. Feels annoying and sad, I get it. But it’s unsafe and I don’t think it’ll end well. 
If after all this, your friend still doesn’t understand or can’t change her ideas (give it a few days, really. Nothing, especially personalities, ideas, nor beliefs, could change overnight) 
Then the best way to do it, is end that friendship over there. She’s a great friend, but being a homophobe, which clearly and obviously concerns your identity as well, is not a nice thing. You’ll constantly feel pressured and I think eventually, in a friendship where you can’t be honest or anything with your friend, it’s not going to work out for long and you’re going to ruin your mental health :) 
I hope this helps, canon. I really hope it does. And best of luck and wishes to you. Feel free to reach out for more info/advice or anything at all. I’ll do my best to help ^-^
Sources
https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/28/how-to-deal-with-a-homophobic-friend-11233282/
https://family.lovetoknow.com/how-deal-being-homophobic-family
http://www.whymarriagematters.org/pages/just-the-facts-q-and-a
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation/sexual-orientation/what-homophobia
https://medium.com/james-finn/how-to-help-a-friend-recover-from-homophobic-self-loathing-79b653925e6
https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/same-sex-marriage
https://www.aljazeera.com/ajimpact/economic-impact-sex-marriage-190625232031095.html
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sparklydreamies · 5 years ago
Text
Best Shot ~Ch 4
Group: Stray Kids
Genre: Fluff
Word Count: 6700+
Summary: Han Jisung, certified quiet boy, has never really understood the hype about love and romance. That is until he has to step out of his comfort zone and onto the basketball court to impress that one person he can’t stop thinking about.
Main themes: highschool!AU, basketball!AU, internalized homophobia, friends-to-lovers
MASTERLIST
a/n: I guess I’m making his parents worse than I planned, I apologize for that ddnvm,, also Hyunjin’s a big cutie and I will love him forever 
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CHAPTER 4 
Surprisingly, there are some people who enjoy high school. Some people wake up every day, content in their own life and surroundings, happy to go to school to their abundance of friends, fully enjoying and taking advantage of their limited youthful years. Some people are able to live their teenage years happily, comfortable with themselves. Unsurprisingly, they were a very rare breed.
High school, for most kids, is not like they see in the movies. It isn’t filled with parties, good friends, romance or happiness, but is instead filled completely with overwhelming school work and the burden of self discovery. The feeling of comfort in one’s own skin long gone as people work to construct how they wish to be seen in the eyes of their friends. The big secret that they don’t tell you in movies is that nobody loves themselves completely. You may be happy with your personality or physical appearance, but everybody has just that one thing about themselves that they can’t help but want to conceal in a box, never to be seen by other people. 
For example, Jisung didn’t want to like boys. There was no reason that he couldn’t have been interested in girls, with their soft curves, full lips, and pretty faces. He should have been like his friend Felix, who would willingly leave Jisung stranded in some desolate, dusty desert somewhere if it meant that he could have a shot with a college girl. 
Felix was the straightest boy Jisung knew. There was no way in hell that Jisung would ever feel very comfortable telling Felix his secret; he’s too worried that Felix would think he’s abnormal or strange. Although the more Jisung thinks about it, he wasn’t one hundred percent sure Felix would be wrong. 
Jisung was used to the guilty feeling that bloomed deep in his chest when he thought about telling his family. His homophobic, conservative family. Lord knows Jisung has sat through way too many nights of hearing his father shouting slurs and making offensive comments at the television, or at his friends, who often would laugh and retort with an insult of their own. 
Thinking about how his mother would react did nothing to help cool the fire that was burning his lungs. What would she blame it on? Where would she ship him off to in the hopes of changing his views and correcting his disorder? Jisung’s mind raced as he thought of what he would have to endure, all for the sake of his mother’s reputation. Heaven forbid she ever raised a son who liked boys. 
Jisung was plagued with these thoughts, eating away at his consciousness until he felt like he was suffocating in the reality and weight of his problem. He had no outlet for his frustration. He was all alone. All alone and deformed. A blasphemy. How could he like boys of all things?
Jisung tried not to think about his problem during the days leading up to his first basketball game, which was much easier said than done. Jisung was quickly beginning to understand how Felix would feel when he was with Dahyun, or any other girl for that matter. When Jisung saw Minho walking down the halls of their school, talking and laughing with his friends, smiling and waving at Jisung, it was like he completely lost the ability to breathe. No matter how much Jisung tried to suppress it, Minho had a tight grip on his heart. 
Mina was a big help to Jisung. After their little talk on the bleachers by the track, Jisung often felt himself relying on her kindness and support. The thought of bothering her with his stupid drama and inner turmoil made him feel guilty, but he sincerely felt like there was no way he could keep this to himself. He was just too confused and upset. 
Friday came sooner than Jisung would have liked. Friday’s were the official game days for the varsity boys basketball team. 
Of course, Jisung wouldn’t actually be playing. No, Jisung still didn’t have the level of skill that it would take to be an actual player, but he was happy to be just sitting on the bench. The idea of playing was leaving a sour feeling with Jisung, and it was not very helpful to him while he tried to focus on his studies. 
Contrary to the sick feeling Jisung had, Felix and Seungmin were buzzing with excitement all day. Jisung thought it was strange how they both seemed way happier about this than he did, but judging by how much they cared about social hierarchies, it was expected. 
“Maybe you can talk to Minho and see if he’ll let you play, even for just a quarter,” Felix suggested when the boys sat down for lunch that eventful Friday. Jisung scoffed at him. The last thing he wanted was to actually play. It was astonishing how Felix still didn’t grasp that concept. 
“Felix you idiot, Jisung can’t even hold the ball properly, no way Minho will let him play,” Seungmin answered, making Felix giggle. Jisung shot him an exasperated look. 
“Not true,” Jisung denied, “Hyunjin says I’m better than I think I am. It’s not that I can’t play, it’s that I don’t want to play,”
“Because you don’t want to embarrass yourself?” Felix teased, but there was honestly nothing Jisung could counter about that question. He knew that he had basic skills, but nothing outstanding. Once he begins private practices with Hyunjin, maybe he’ll begin to improve. After all, Hyunjin obviously knows what he is doing when it comes to basketball. 
“Hey, since when are you such good friends with Hyunjin?” Seungmin asked, “Didn’t you hate him like a week ago?” 
“No, not hate him,” Jisung said in a small voice. There was a small beat of awkward silence before Seungmin changed the subject. Jisung was grateful for that. 
“Whatever. Felix did you end up figuring out the history homework, or are you going to freeload off my answers again?” Seungmin asked, and the conversation went off from there. 
Jisung was barely participating in the conversation, and he ended up completely tuning Felix out while the boy talked about why he didn’t do the assignment. Instead, Jisung’s eye was drawn to a vibrant colour he saw from across the cafeteria. Of course, it was the bright red, tell tale sign of the varsity basketball team. Jisung wanted to avert his gaze, but his eyes decided to focus themselves on the soft features of the boy who was unknowingly ruining his life. 
Jisung watched as Minho laughed at something Youngjae said, and they took a seat on the opposite corner of the room. Jisung was still zoned out, wondering what they were talking about when two fingers snapped in front of his face, drawing his attention away from the boys. 
“Ji?” Felix asked, chuckling at him, “are you good?” 
Jisung shook himself out of his thoughts and nodded a yes. He turned to look at Seungmin, who was giving him a questioning gaze. There was a small period of silence once again, before Jisung asked “what?” 
“We were asking if you’re exited about tonight, stupid,” Seungmin repeated. 
“I mean, I guess so,” Jisung coughed awkwardly, “like I said, I’m not really going to play,” 
“Well play or not, we’re still going to support you,” Seungmin said. Jisung blushed a bit out of embarrassment. 
Felix smiled, “oh yeah Ji, we might make posters too,” 
“I know you guys are joking, but please do not do that,” Jisung warned, feeling too embarrassed to even imagine the horrible sight that would be. Felix and Seungmin, sitting in the middle of a sea of high schoolers, holding homemade signs, whooping whenever Jisung took a drink of water. Absolutely the last thing Jisung needed.
“Felix, I don’t know if I have any glitter glue left at my house though, we might have to pick some more up,” Seungmin said, and all three boys started laughing. 
----
“Attention teachers. At this time, please dismiss all members of the varsity boys basketball team, as today is game day. Good luck boys, we wish you luck!”
Jisung felt his stomach tighten slightly at the announcement. He saw across the room that Hyunjin, whom he shared last period with, was packing up his books and getting ready to leave. He gave Jisung a reassuring smile. Jisung nervously began to pack up his belongings, shoving them into his backpack. 
Jisung wasn’t nervous about playing the game, as he knew he was just there as a spare in the unlikely case that two of the team members got injured and they needed their last resort extra. He wasn’t nervous about the possibility of losing the game, because it wasn’t that important to him. So what was the reason for his unwelcome feeling of anxiety? Why was he so nervous? It’s not like he’s alone, he has Hyunjin, Minho, and everyone else on the team who has grown to be friendly acquaintances with Jisung over the past week. 
He had no more time to try and untangle his thoughts, as he was being led out the classroom door by Hyunjin, who was calling a last goodbye to their teacher. 
“Are you nervous?” Hyunjin asked. Of course Jisung was nervous. It’s in his nature to be nervous about everything. Jisung felt his heartbeat in his throat.
“No, not at all,” Jisung answered, sounding surprisingly calm despite the feelings he was experiencing. 
“Liar,” Hyunjin mumbled, shoving Jisung’s shoulder as they walked. Jisung smiled. It was nice to have Hyunjin around; he always seemed to understand Jisung’s emotions, yet never judged him. It was just like their old times, when Jisung would be upset about the insignificant drama of their sixth grade class, and Hyunjin would always be there to cheer him up. 
“Shut up,” Jisung whispered as they reached the gym hallway. He took a breath before shoving the heavy door of the change room open with his shoulder. 
Once Jisung opened the door, he was met with loud music echoing off the walls, and the faint smell of sweat. He wrinkled his nose at the stench, wondering what the room would smell like after the boys played an hour of basketball. 
Hyunjin led Jisung to the back corner of the room, where they usually sit. All around them, boys were getting undressed and changed into their horribly designed uniforms. Jisung once again felt awkward and slightly self conscious changing in front of these boys. He feels awkward enough exposing his own skin to these boys, but pair that with the fact that he just realized he likes men. His doubts were eased slightly when he saw Hyunjin slip off his uniform shirt beside him. 
Jisung began to get undressed when the door swung open again. The sound of the heavy door swinging open rang throughout the already noisy room. Jeongin paused the music blaring from his speaker once the team captain walked in. Jisung was suddenly brought back to the back that not only was he shirtless and exposed in front of the other boys, but he was half naked in front of Lee Minho. 
He felt embarrassment slowly creep up on him and make his ears burn. Minho didn’t spare him a glance, yet Jisung still felt ashamed. He quickly slid on his basketball shirt, thankful that it covered his chest. 
When the boys were all ready and the last bell rang for the school day, Minho made his way to the middle of the room, clearing his throat and grabbing everyone’s attention. Jisung saw how Minho rolled up the sleeves on his jersey shirt, and he thought it made Minho look even cooler in it than he previously thought. 
“Alright boys,” Minho started, and the remaining murmurs echoing in the room ceased. “We’re off to a good start this season, but we need to keep it up.” Jisung saw some of the boys nod, and some of them clapped lightly. “Our biggest difficulty this season is our defense, which I went over lightly last practice. It’s not enough to score points, we also have to keep the other team from scoring points,” he continued. Minho suddenly pointed towards Jisung, and he felt like his heart stopped. 
“On another note, today is Jisung’s very first game!” Minho announced, and the rest of the team began to whoop at that, making Jisung’s blushing face fall into his hands. This was too much attention for him. Hyunjin smiled dumbly and shoved Jisung’s shoulder. “Let’s show him how winning feels, yeah?” Minho suggested, his voice getting louder. There was a booming chorus of agreements from the team. “Yeah?” Minho repeated, his voice very loud now. “Let’s go!” He called, opening the heavy doors and holding it for the team to pass through. 
Unlike during practices which were private for the most part, the school gymnasium was packed full with students and a few parents occupying the bleachers on the side of the court. 
The energy in the space was electric, and Jisung found himself wondering how he had never been to a basketball game before. Maybe it was due to the fact that he never saw the interest in watching sweaty boys wrestle a ball away from each other. 
A loud holler from the bleachers drew Jisung’s attention to his two best friends, cheering him on. Jisung smiled at them, but spared no more than that as he jogged over to the bench where he would be staying for the entirety of the game. 
All around him, his teammates were warming up, executing drills Jisung remembered from practice, and stretching. Jisung himself tried to get his heart rate up, but for no particular reason other than to not look like he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. 
Basketball is an interesting sport, Jisung concluded by the halftime mark. It wasn’t as slow as golf or even baseball, but it wasn’t as fast as hockey. There was a noticeable grace to the players as they made their formations, utilizing plays and techniques learned from hours of practice. The way that they relied on their teammates was quite cool to Jisung. It was like they were a machine, each component with their own mission, all working together for the greater good. 
By the time halftime rolled around, Jisung’s team was losing, significantly. The tension was obviously high; Jisung could see that from the exasperated faces of his teammates, and the obvious overconfidence from the other team. 
Hyunjin didn’t even bother to pat Jisung on the shoulder, or ruffle his hair on his way to his water bottle. He looked focused, concentrating on the present game. Minho looked even worse. 
Sweat was dripping all down the side of his face and his neck, shining under the harsh lights of the gym. His hair was completely stuck to his forehead, and his eyes were serious. Jisung felt a little bit intimidated from the strange change in the other’s behavior. Jisung had never experienced Minho to be this determined and fierce. His features were sharper, and there was a fire in his expression. The sight took Jisung’s breath away. 
“Guys, what are we doing out there?” Minho ran his hand through his hair in an attempt to get it off his forehead, “We’re playing like amateurs. We are sloppy, not coordinated, and we’re playing way too rushed. We’re throwing the ball away, and it’s going right to the other team. That isn’t the way to win, right?” he asked, and there were a few agreements from the team. Jisung internally chuckled, because before, he thought the team was very much in sync. “I want to win this game just as much as you guys do. So let’s slow ourselves down, okay? Play smarter, not harder,” he concluded. 
He then led the team into a loud cheer, hyping up the home crowd. The boys made their way back onto the court, wiping their sweaty foreheads on their jerseys. Jisung didn’t miss the way that some girls swooned over them, catching some of the boys’ attention. 
After the third quarter commenced, Jisung was a bit astounded. It was almost as if Minho had flipped a switch with his words. Progress came slowly, but sure enough, they began to climb the scoreboard. Jisung felt himself grow more and more invested in the game as he watched the boys fly across the court, ball after ball into the other team’s hoop. 
Jisung watched, his heart in his throat, as Hyunjin expertly sank a three-pointer. He jumped in his seat, which caught the eye of Hyunjin himself, who was smiling ear-to-ear like an idiot. 
When the team pilled back into the change room after the game, the adrenaline was enough to choke on. Jisung was ecstatic, bumping into and high fiving his teammates after his first ever win. 
Jisung understood why people care about sports. At least, he was starting to. There was a sense of family in that change room after that game, and Jisung bathed in it. Even if he wasn’t that close with the members yet, he felt more than accepted as he was pulled into a hug from Choi Youngjae. 
“Settle down!” yelled a voice coming from the door, and Jisung turned around to see Minho standing there, proudly smiling, obviously basking in the post-victory high. 
One by one, the boys moved to their spots, and let Minho give them a final talk about how they played, and where they would rank in the standings after beating this team. Jisung didn’t catch too much, he was preoccupied by Hyunjin bumping into his side, still smiling so hard he might split his face open. 
Once they were changed, Hyunjin led Jisung out of the change room, and into the school’s main hallway. They passed a slew of people that were waiting for their player friends to change quickly so they could leave. He passed by a few dejected faces of boys from the other school. 
Jisung did not expect Hyunjin leaning towards the other players and sincerely congratulating them on their game. There wasn’t a hint of passive-aggressiveness in his voice at all, but rather there was real sincerity. 
“Why are you doing that?” Jisung whispered to him. 
“What, talking to the other guys?” Jisung nodded, still giving him questioning eyes, “Well, they played a really good game, and I know I would appreciate it if I got complimented from the other players,” Hyunjin explained, leaning away from Jisung to congratulate another young looking boy. 
Jisung shook his head. Of course Hyunjin was just about the sweetest person alive. It was no different from when they were kids. Everybody loved Hyunjin because he was nice, and didn’t make fun of people. That’s probably also the reason Jisung’s mother was so infatuated with Hyunjin. Who doesn’t want their son to be friends with such a polite and well mannered boy? 
“Hyunjin, you were great,” Jisung said, once they passed a small crowd of what looked like freshmen, “honestly, I think you won that for us,” 
Hyunjin gave a small laugh. A blush slightly painted his cheeks, which he failed to hide from Jisung. “Are you trying to steal my thing from me?” he countered, giving an offended glare. 
Jisung slapped him lightly in the arm. “No, I just think you did really well!” 
Hyunjin smiled fondly, focusing his gaze on the ground in front of them. “It was Minho all the way,” he said, “but thanks,”
Jisung was about to argue with him when something caught his eye. A slight glimmer of fluorescent lights hitting jet black hair. He turned slightly to examine, and almost choked on his breath when he saw the familiar pale skin and small stature. 
He remembered the pretty girl quite vividly; he remembered feeling her pressed against him in a dark hallway, stealing rushed kisses from him. He also remembered the awkward moment when he pushed her away, and shuddered. Jisung tried to keep his head down and walk, lest he make eye contact and relive the painful memory, but of course, life is a bitch. 
“Jisung!” someone called from that direction, however it wasn’t the soft spoken voice of the pretty little girl from the party. Instead, it was the deep and recognizable voice of Lee Felix. 
Hyunjin was the first to turn, smiling wide at the smaller boy, pushing Jisung towards that general direction. Jisung saw Felix had his arm around the waist of a gorgeous blonde girl. Of course, Jisung recognized her as Kim Dahyun. 
“Good game! Does your ass have splinters from sitting on the bench?” Seungmin called, Felix laughing with him. Typical of Seungmin. Jisung landed a fairly hard punch right on the bone in his arm, sure to leave a bruise. 
Jisung’s eyes raised to meet Nayeon’s. The girl tucked her soft hair behind her ear. 
“So I’ve been told that you two know each other,” Dahyun teased, poking her friend in the side. Nayeon blushed slightly, mumbling a small warning to drop it. 
Jisung saw the gross look in Felix’s eyes. It was the type of look that says “my friend is definitely going to get some”. Jisung wrinkled his nose and drew his attention away from his perverted friend. 
“It’s fine,” Jisung awkwardly mumbled. “Have you met Hwang Hyunjin?” he asked, changing the subject away from the girl who looked quite nervous. 
As Dahyun and Hyunjin made each other’s acquaintance, Jisung couldn’t help but feel sorry for the poor girl. He didn’t want Nayeon to think that she forced herself on him, or that he had any harsh feelings towards her in any way. She still avoided his gaze. 
Jisung figured that was expected. If the tables were turned and Nayeon pushed Jisung away, he would feel absolutely ashamed of himself. 
“Anyways, I think it’s time we should go, I’m driving Jisung home,” Hyunjin said, causing Jisung to snap back into reality at the mention of his name. 
“Uh yeah, we should get going,” he agreed, “it was nice seeing you guys again,” he waved at Dahyun and Nayeon. 
The two boys stiffly made their way to the school’s main entrance, where Hyunjin’s car was parked. Hyunjin made some stupid joke about riding shotgun or something, which Jisung found hard to pretend to laugh at. 
“So,” Hyunjin started once they got into the car. Hyunjin fired up the engine, making his way slowly to the road, among all the post-game traffic. “Who was the cutie?” he asked. 
Jisung groaned at the intrusive question. Why can’t Hyunjin just not bother to care? The answer was because being nosy is a part of Hyunjin’s personality. “She’s nobody,” he answered, brushing off the question.
“That doesn’t sound convincing,” Hyunjin mumbled, pulling out of the parking lot. 
“She’s just a girl,” 
Hyunjin laughed at his friend. “Felix was looking like he was expecting you two to take your clothes off right there,” 
“Jesus, dude!” Jisung cried out, trying to hit his head against the window to the sound of Hyunjin’s giggles. “She’s just a girl that I fooled around with once, okay? Not a big deal.” he reluctantly answered. Hwang Hyunjin was a pain in the ass. 
Of course, Hyunjin began his chorus of oohs, causing Jisung to cover his face. “I think...” Hyunjin trailed off. Jisung uncovered his face to see what caused Hyunjin to stop talking. “I think you like her,” Hyunjin teased. 
Jisung almost burst out laughing. The irony of that conclusion was astounding. It was crazy how someone could be so wrong about a topic. Just imagine the shock Hyunjin would feel if he found out about Jisung’s little crush on Minho. 
“What?” Hyunjin asked. Jisung just shook his head. 
"I don’t like Nayeon,” Jisung pressed, still trying to gain control of his laughter, “please drop it,” he said. 
Hyunjin mumbled a “fine” under his breath. 
After a second of silence, Hyunjin spoke again. “Is there anybody that you do have a thing for?” he asked. 
Jisung paused his breathing. The way that Hyunjin asked that made Jisung’s mind immediately conclude that Hyunjin knew about Minho. 
How did he know? Jisung wasn’t that obvious. He didn’t tell anybody except for Mina. Did Mina tell Hyunjin? No, Mina isn’t close with Hyunjin. Did Mina tell other people, which got passed around from person to person until it hit Hyunjin? Did the whole school know?
No. They didn’t. Jisung willed himself to calm down, as he didn’t know whether or not this was even the topic Hyunjin was regarding. 
“No, not really,” Jisung said weakly, hoping that Hyunjin couldn’t see past his bullshit. 
“You never seem to be interested in anybody,” Hyunjin chuckled. Jisung felt himself loosen up as the atmosphere grew light again. “That’s a real shame, you’d make a great boyfriend,” he joked. 
Fuck Jisung’s mind for overthinking. 
----
“There you are,” Chaeryeong called from the kitchen. The smell of something cooking greeted Jisung as he walked through the front door. Chaeryeong was stirring a pot of something on the stove, making dinner like she usually is expected to. “How was the game?” she asked. 
“Fine, we won,” he answered. Chaeryeong moved around the kitchen some more, handling this and that. Jisung always admired his sister’s cooking skills; he had never been much of a chef himself. 
Jisung’s mother wasn’t around too much to cook for her children, and when she was, she was often too tired or unmotivated. As the oldest girl, the duty was passed onto Chaeryeong from a young age. Jisung never found it that fair, but Chaeryeong never complained. When Jisung would offer to share the work with her, she would just smile and say she would rather make something edible than eat whatever Jisung would make. Chaeryeong might be annoying at times, but she was a responsible and tolerant girl. 
Chaeryeong smiled and gave him a quick congratulations for his victory before the sound of a yell rang through their home. Chaeryeong froze in her spot.
Jisung’s face dropped. “Why is he here, I thought he wasn’t coming until tomorrow?” he whispered to Chaeryeong. She gave him a sort of exasperated shrug as she tried to continue her work. 
“His meetings for tomorrow got cancelled, so he decided to come back early,” Chaeryeong said, “believe me, I was just as surprised as you,”
The man that was currently occupying their living room was Jisung’s father. No doubt he was trying to yell at the soccer referees through the television. 
Jisung and Chaeryeong’s father was just about the least likable man they know of. 
Jisung’s parents had tarnished Jisung’s perception of healthy relationships from a very young age. Sure, every marriage has their ups and downs, but it wasn’t until Jisung was eleven or twelve years old that he realized not everybody’s parents dissolve into screaming matches during every conversation.
If Jisung was being honest, a lot of the worst moments from his childhood had resulted due to his father’s loud arrogance and his mother’s stubborn judgement. The only reason they haven’t gotten divorced yet is because Jisung’s mother is so occupied with thinking about what her friends would think about her. Her incapability of pleasing her husband like a good wife should. It was better for her to silently accept the hellish life she had created for herself, while simultaneously ruining her children’s childhoods all for the “greater good”.
If his parents were to get a divorce, there is no doubt in Jisung’s mind that he would rather live with his mother. Even though she could be harsh and mean, she could also be a decent mother. Jisung’s father was never much of a father. It was easy to have conversations with his mother when she was in the right mood. Sometimes however, when Jisung thinks about his mother, the bad memories are always what surface first. The memories of her calling him useless, saying he ruined her promising life, saying that he was a disappointment. 
That sort of thing can really hurt a kid. 
Jisung’s house sometimes felt like a war zone. It was almost impossible to dodge the bullets that his parents were always firing around, attempting to blame others for their own unhappiness. If he managed to avoid being shot with harsh words from his parents, surely he would make a comment, or do something that would set off a landmine of arguments and yelling throughout his house. 
Jisung had learned through many years of struggling to avoid the sharp words of his parents that when the two of them were both home together, it was the best move to be out of the house. 
“Chae,” he whispered, trying to quietly make his way into where his sister was still cooking, “let’s go out somewhere,” 
Chaeryeong nodded quickly at him, “but I have to finish their dinner, or we’ll be in deep shit,” she said, moving to take the sauce off of the stove. Jisung gave her a little pat on the shoulder as he moved to silently make his way upstairs to his room, without alerting his parents that he was home. 
Chaeryeong had it harder than Jisung, he knew. His parents rarely expected him to do anything, but they essentially forced Chaeryeong to do their cooking and cleaning. She is still young; she doesn’t deserve to be treated like a maid because her parents don’t like making their own meals. 
It was useless trying to understand the logic Jisung’s parents had when it came to raising kids. 
Jisung changed out of his school uniform and into his casual clothes before making his way back downstairs to see if Chaeryeong was ready to leave yet. He quietly made his way down the stairs, moving so expertly down the wood where he knew it wouldn’t creak. Unfortunately, it was all in vain when he heard his mother’s voice in the kitchen. 
“Call me when it’s time- oh, Jisung you’re home,” she said when Jisung walked into the kitchen, “how was your day?” 
“It was good mom,” Jisung said, but he could tell she wasn’t paying that much attention. 
“Did you say hi to your father yet?” she said, and before Jisung could object, she was calling his name, beckoning him over to greet his son. Jisung saw Chaeryeong shrug at him. Jisung dangled his car keys to signal that he still wanted to get the hell out of there, which she silently agreed with. 
Jisung didn’t have any urge to talk to his father. To his dismay, he heard the sound of approaching footsteps coming from the living room, followed by mumbles of “the game is on,” and such. 
Jisung’s dad wasn’t a bad looking man. Sometimes Jisung thinks if he had a better personality, he might even be a decent catch. His father was tall, with very dark hair and a fairly slim build. He was decent looking enough for many people to envy his mother, however those people never saw the real person that he was. The person who shamelessly bashes his family, while at the same time expects to be treated like a king. 
Jisung doesn’t care about how his father insults him, his academics, his looks or his friends, but it kills Jisung to see how he hurts Chaeryeong. Chaeryeong is a bright and happy girl, but Jisung can see the way that his father tears down her confidence. 
He breaks her down so easily with his judgments. Jisung’s skin crawls every time he thinks about his father casually bringing up her looks and her weight, saying she should eat less if she wants a husband. Jisung never fails to notice how her face drops, and her entire aura becomes sad and insecure. Jisung hates to see her like that. 
“How have you been, Jisung?” Jisung’s father asked when he entered the room, “I almost didn’t recognize you, you’ve changed,”
“I hope that’s a good thing,” Jisung mumbled, and grabbed his father’s extended hand. 
“I still think you could build some muscle, it wouldn’t hurt you,” Jisung nodded at his father. It was honestly best not to interact too much with him. “You should consider playing a sport or something, lord knows you have so much free time,” 
“Well Jisung is playing on the school basketball team now,” Chaeryeong piped up from where she was cutting bread. So much for not interacting much with him. 
Jisung’s eyes widened as this sunk in. Jisung never told his mother that he was going to join the team. She barely likes him working his job while trying to study, Jisung knew that him playing basketball would make her livid. 
“What did she say?” his mother asked. Only then did Chaeryeong seem to process the fact that Jisung’s mother didn’t know. “The team that Hyunjin is on? Why didn’t I know about this?”
“I was going to tell you, but-” Jisung was cut off.
“My son is a basketball player?” Jisung’s dad asked, suddenly very interested in this conversation. 
Jisung’s mother didn’t have the angry or upset look in her eyes that Jisung was expecting, but rather she looked almost offended. Offended and disappointed that Jisung ignored her opinions and thoughts about focusing on things other than studies. 
“Jisung likes being on the team, right Ji?” Chaeryeong asked him, trying to make up for her previous mistake.
“I really do,” Jisung said, shifting his eyes between his mother’s exasperated ones, and his father’s curious ones. 
Jisung’s father patted him on the shoulder, “you’ve never been the athletic type. Maybe this will change that,” he said, snaking his arm around Jisung’s tense shoulders, which Jisung ultimately shrugged off. 
“I wish you would have told me,” Jisung’s mother said quietly, “I’m not worried about your school. You’re doing fine in your classes, but I don’t want you to take your foot off of the gas.” she said. 
“I know that, it’s just that this means a lot to me, and I’m having a lot of fun with the team,” he explained. 
Jisung’s mother gave a sort of small whine. Her expression was unreadable to Jisung. She ran her fingers through her dark hair, usually a sign that she was upset about something. 
“You’re having too much fun with the team,” she said, barely louder than a whisper. “I’m too tired for this, I worked hard all day,” she said, and with that, she turned on her heels and headed towards the stairs, up to her bedroom. 
Jisung gave Chaeryeong a panicked look, but she just signaled to him that he should let her go and have her space. Jisung felt guilt pile up in his chest, however he could not bring himself to figure out what to do about it. He didn’t know how he could make his mother less disappointed. 
Jisung’s father, unlike Jisung and his sister, obviously was not phased by the exit of his wife.
“So what, have you had any games yet?” he asked, but Jisung gave him a cold shoulder. Silently, Jisung turned away from his father, and called Chaeryeong over. 
“Oh.. Dad, Jisung and I have something to do, we’ll be back later..” Chaeryeong called, “dinner is ready, help yourself, and please try and see if mom will eat,” 
----
Most people prefer to have a destination in their minds while driving with their baby sisters, but it didn’t matter to Jisung. He was just happy that him and Chaeryeong were able to breathe outside that house. 
And so, their evening consisted mainly of them driving around, talking about pointless things until they found a place where they could get quick food. 
“What...” Jisung asked, once him and Chaeryeong settled into a parking lot outside of the local variety store, “what did mom mean by I’m having too much fun?” Jisung asked, fiddling with the little straw in his drink. 
“Don’t act like she didn’t have to feel the embarrassment of her only son being dragged home at three in the morning by some good looking neighbor boy,” she answered, “I’m all for that lifestyle. I’d let Hyunjin drag me anywhere. But mom is different,”
Jisung refrained from gagging at the gross comment about Hyunjin, and instead focused on what Chaeryeong was saying about their mother. She didn’t want her children going out and drinking like delinquents. She valued studies and ambition. 
“Mom is just afraid of what people would think of her as a mother if you became like Hyunjin, Chan, or any other of those guys.” 
Chaeryeong was making sense. Before Jisung could agree with her, he felt a rhythmic vibration in his pocket. His heart almost exploded out of his chest at the caller ID. 
Why the hell was Lee Minho calling Jisung at quarter after nine? 
“Uh, hold- hold on,” Jisung stumbled over his words, unbuckling his seat belt and snaking his way out of his car to gain some privacy. Jisung took a small breath before clicking the green answer button. 
“Hi Minho, what’s going on?” Jisung asked, wincing at the way his voice sounds broken. 
“Jisung, Jisung,” Minho answered, words slurred slightly, “everybody shut up!”
Jisung had to hold the phone slightly away from his ear as Minho yelled at whoever was probably in the room with him. 
“Is everything okay?” Jisung asked, and Minho chuckled. 
“Everything is fucking amazing! We’re at Chan’s house with booze, will you come? Please?” Minho whined. Jisung couldn’t help but notice how cute Minho’s voice sounded when he whined like that. The boy was already adorable, but Jisung felt his heart clench when he heard the soft words. 
Still though, he had Chaeryeong with him. Not only that, but he should be going home soon before his mother beats him. Jisung thought about what his mother had said about him having too much fun with his team. He felt his heart clench again, except this was not the sweet torture of the cute brunette on the other line of the phone, but rather the guilt of what he was doing to his mother. 
“I can’t Minho, I’m so sorry,” he said, and he heard the other boy whine again. Jisung figured that Minho must be pretty drunk, because he seemed way different than this at the original party at Bang Chan’s. The original party where the roles were reversed, and Jisung was the very drunk one. 
“Why not?” Minho asked.
“Because I’m busy right now, okay? Are you okay there?” Jisung asked, and Minho laughed again, except this time it was more like a giggle than a chuckle. 
“Mhm,” he said, “oh and also before I forget,” Minho started, “it’s team tradition...” the boy trailed off. 
Jisung waited a beat before asking “tradition to what?” 
“Don’t you know? All new players have to throw a party,” Minho said, “it’s welcoming tradition,”
Jisung felt his stomach drop. There was no way that he would be able to throw a party and still have the respect of his mother. 
“I’ll have to talk to you about it when you’re sober, okay?” Jisung said, noticing that Chaeryeong was banging on the glass window, signaling that it was close to nine thirty, which is the time that their mother wants them home most nights. 
“Jisung don’t go,” Minho begged, “will you sing for me?”
Jisung waited a second before realizing that Minho was being serious. “...no” he said, “Minho, I have to go,” Jisung said, and he knew that he wasn’t going to get a proper response back when he heard the other boy begin singing loudly. 
Jisung hung up the phone and got back into the car. 
“Who was that?” Chaeryeong asked, buckling her seat belt up.
Jisung did the same as he answered “it was Minho,” 
“Minho? Like Lee Minho?” she asked. 
“The one and only,” Jisung started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, beginning their drive back to their house. 
“What did he want?” 
“He wanted me to throw a party.. apparently it’s some sort of team tradition, I don’t know,” Jisung answered, realizing how dumb the request was. No way he was going to throw a party for a bunch of dumb jock basketball players that would inevitably end up in a wreaked house and a panic attack. 
What Jisung wasn’t expecting was his baby sister to ask him “you’re going to do it though, right?” 
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captainmarvelrb · 5 years ago
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Dysphoria Diaries: Why “Captain Marvel” is my Perfect Transgender Movie
So, this is like a special feature, the first of many I’m sure, but this entry is going to be much longer than usual but I promise it’s worth a read!
So, first thing’s first, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. Started it fully certain that I was a heterosexual, cis-man, and now, in November, I’m sure I’m a transgender, gay woman so, yeah, bit of a big flip there and it can feel pretty overwhelming.
BUT thinking about one film in particular has really helped me out a LOT during this whole scary yet incredibly exciting period, and that film is “Captain Marvel”.
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So basically, I was a big fan of Captain Marvel before the movie, back all the way since 2013 and she had just RECENTLY ditched the awful leotard for the kick-ass red, yellow, and blue, and I still remember the first time I fell in love with her. It felt shallow, but it was a poster! I saw a poster of her in my local comic shop, knew nothing about her...but I KNEW I needed that poster because she looked SO COOL. That COSTUME! And then, one thing lead to another, started reading her stories, and then, for one reason or another, I quickly decided, “This woman is MY FAVORITE marvel character. Period.” In this house we LOVE Captain Marvel (hence the username, obvi).
And so I held on, rooting for YEARS for my girl to show up and kick ass in the MCU, and when her film got announced in 2015 I was OVER THE MOON! And then, 2019 hit, and despite all the TOXIC fucking pissbaby, dude-bro men, I got to see her movie, I loved it, and my girl cracked a billion at the box office so, yeah, it was a pretty good year for me :)
And now it’s been a few months, and I’ve had the chance to relive this film many, many times and each time I loved it more but, it’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to give it a rewatch...that is, until I figured out that I am, in actuality, a trans woman. A realization that, in all actuallity, I should have realized a long time ago...
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So, why has this significantly changed the way I view this film? Well, a film, any film, is subjective and how you view life significantly affects how you view movies...and I didn’t think it was possible...but now that I know I’m trans this movie has COMPLETELY changed for me and I love it SO MUCH MORE.
Because I feel like it’s my story...I finally see myself here in this very story...
Hear me out here.
The movie starts, as we know, with Carol loving far away on Hala, loving her life as “Vers”, a fierce and promising Kree warrior. And ever-loving badass
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And this is where I see myself, at least the version of me that existed when this year started, because even though Vers is seemingly happy, comfortable with who she is and what she does and with how her life is, there’s a part of her that secretly feels restrained. She’s purposefully being held back, she’s not like the others, and she doesn’t even realize it. She’s playing the role of Vers, even if she doesn’t know that it’s just a role...
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This is how I was until literally this year. When this year started, I “knew” I was a man, I was straight, and that was that, simple. And sure, some things felt off. I always hated the idea of body hair anywhere on me, I always pick female avatars in games when I have the choice, and I have a super strong affinity for strong, female characters but no, it’s nothing, and I’ve got an excuse and a coping mechanism for all of it. (I.e. Repressing my feelings about my body, I just pick women because I’m a MAN™️ and I just like looking at women, and, my favorite, “it’s just a coincidence”).
I was playing a role...and I played it well. I believed it. I didn’t think about it.
Until something happened that made me question that...
For Carol, it was falling to earth, coming home. For me, it was education and my LGBTQ friends. For both of us, it was exposure...exposure to the very thing we’d been repressing for so damn long.
Carol spends time on earth, realizes she has a life there, and slowly but surely starts to understand that what she’s been told, by those who expect her to play a certain role, is not the truth.
Me, it was going to college, getting away from smalltown, USA and actually spending time learning about and spending time with LGBTQ individuals. Smalltown USA was very conservative, I was not, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t have an effect on me. I knew that LGBTQ individuals didn’t choose to be that way, therefore I didn’t hate them and disparage them like most of my peers, but in environments like that with minimal education on the matters...sometimes you can’t help it. Some things just stick. Bad stereotypical and homophobic thoughts.
Until I went to college. A liberal college. There I learned more, and a lot of those ingrained, toxic thoughts were dissolved and replaced with understanding and appreciation and respect. This increased much, much further when my girlfriend revealed to me that she was bisexual and also non-binary. And she helped me more than anyone else, because for the first time I had an actual friend who was an active and knowledgeable member of the LGBTQ community. She taught me SO much...
And it only took 3 years with her, 3 years of growing thoughts and possibilities...before I asked her some important questions.
Carol said, “I think I used to have a life here.”
I said, “I think I would prefer it if I was in a female body.”
And then, from that first simple, personal observation both of us, Carol and I, grew and grew, understanding more and more as we went on our own personal journeys. Fortunately for both of us, we weren’t alone. We had someone to talk to...
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And although we had all the evidence in front of us, and although we knew something was wrong, we stayed in denial for the longest time. Despite everything I had said, everything I felt, I decided that I wasn’t trans, because I thought I would be fine living life in a male body. I decided that “non-binary” would be a better descriptor. Even “Non-Binary Trans Femme”, and I even came out to my friends as such. But, even though I did so, it never really felt right. But It meant I didn’t need to change. I could pretend that nothing was different. It wasn’t flat-out denial...but it was a denial.
Carol stayed in denial until Telos showed her the black box...I stayed in denial until my partner told me how it was, made me stop lying to myself, and we had some more long conversations.
And she told me something that I still haven’t forgotten.
She told me, in regards to what I call myself, “You need to do whatever makes you feel powerful.”
And it clicked...because I didn’t feel powerful as I was...because, in my mind, powerful goes hand in hand with the word “woman”. And everything fell into place. I would feel powerful if I was in a female body. I would feel confident leaving the house. I would be happy with the way I looked. I would feel that everything inside would finally be justified, comfortable, and happy...it was the moment I broke that facade. I realized I’d been playing a role. The role of a man. A role that had been holding me back.
Since I learned I was trans, I’ve felt happy, happier than I have felt in a long time. I’m excited. I’m energetic. I’ve started working out, running, I’ve started taking care of myself. I’m eating healthier, snacking less. I’m writing again, happily. I’m I afraid of what others think or say. I feel a weight off my shoulders.
And it 100% made me feel like Carol when she breaks her regulator, and finally goes binary.
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Because that was the moment that she accepted who she was, and stopped playing a role. And that was the moment when she truly became powerful. A force of nature. Earth’s Mightiest Hero.
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And she became unstoppable...and that’s exactly how I feel right now in this moment...I feel free and proud
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Because I am lucky. I have such a supportive friend group around me right now, such important people who have embraced me, who still love me, and it makes me feel like I’m shining, glowing like a Star. It makes me feel like I got something to look forward to, and it makes me so eager and excited.
I still haven’t told my parents, and I don’t know how that will go...but here...Carol is once again nothing more than an inspiration to me. Because...
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...or them, or anyone else. I am valid, I am beautiful, and I will be amazing. Because this is my journey, and just like Carol it’s only just beginning.
And, you know, this post may feel like it ended up going no where but I don’t care. It helps me keep it together, it makes me happy, so I’m gonna do It and I’m gonna post it. Because I think it’s cool. I think it’s amazing that such an important character in my life has played such a new, important, and unexpected role in what feels like a new life...and that matters so much to me. And me alone.
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Thanks for reading :)
It’s the little things...
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jamr0ck83 · 5 years ago
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Kick Rocks With That Centrist Nonsense
This post in response to an NPR article discussing the dangers of a divided America during the coronavirus pandemic. Originally, the words below were just supposed to be a reply to a comment regarding said article, but...words tend to get away from me. And they all felt important enough that I should post them in their entirety.
I can agree that the media does seem to portray a larger divide than what might actually exist. Cuz really, 100 people on a sidewalk isn’t a sizable movement; it’s a few people shouting inane mantras and holding up ridiculous (and often insulting) signs who don’t need to be receiving a national platform to broadcast their nonsense. And it troubles me that the mainstream media is more willing to cover a relatively insignificant gathering of armed white people on some state’s capitol steps than report on the vast amounts of incidences of injustice and racist vitriol that people of color are dealing with right now. To me, I know which story seems more concerning. But we keep seeing these protesters on the news in between cuts of Trump babbling incoherently about shining light into the body to kill a virus. I know the media is super concerned about ratings, but what happened to their responsibility to the public to provide us with factual information that we absolutely need to know?
That being said, I respectfully disagree that the crux of our national divide is built upon extremism on both sides and that the proper approach is a more centrist view. Our nation has been divided since before its inception. I think Americans have this notion that we need to “get back” to unity and mutual respect, but it seems to me that this idealized era never happened to begin with if it took so very little for people’s incredibly harmful biases and prejudices to become center stage as they now have. We were never united, and we were never in harmony. Any period of time you might point to as one of evidence that we used to see eye-to-eye on things, I will show you at least one group of people who, at that same time, were facing severe injustices and oppression. America has never been good for everyone; that’s a myth that needs to die, because it prevents us from moving forward in any meaningful way if we’re constantly looking back to a romanticized past.
If you want to blame someone for our intense divide, blame this current presidential administration and the larger Republican Party who refuse to do anything but stand idly by as our democracy implodes. At no point, has Trump tried to unify the country. Why would he? He loves division; he thrives on it! Division is how he was able to get elected to an office he has no business holding. He will never be presidential, he will never be the voice of reason, and he will never consider the needs of the country ahead of his own. He genuinely doesn’t care about any of us, not even his supporters. If it made him more money or got him more power, he would sign off on the literal destruction of any one of us in a heartbeat.
That brings me to my third point, which is that this idea that it’s the extremists on both sides that have made life in America unbearable is patently false. I’m an independent, and I lean pretty left. And the reason I do that is because to not lean left is to align myself with people who are clinging to archaic and bigoted ideas about who deserves to be treated like people and who is unworthy. I say this as someone who used to consider themselves fairly conservative; there is nothing that the right is doing right now that speaks of respect or concern for anyone who doesn’t look or sound like them. When you have a side that has couched themselves in both covert and overt rhetoric that is sexist, racist, and homophobic, you don’t get to claim “to each his own”. When your political and social views demand or dictate that I be stripped of my rights and/or my life, I don’t have any need to consider your position as equally valid as mine. And I don’t owe you compassion or respect if you are actively fighting for my destruction. That’s not hyperbole; that’s exactly what is happening. Black people are being attacked and murdered by police and vigilante citizens at alarming regularity. Kids whose parents are just trying to relocate to a place with opportunity and a chance to survive are locked in cages. The LGBTQ+ community is constantly on the receiving end of violence, are being denied the same rights as other citizens, and are being told that they can’t live a peaceful life that would allow them to be themselves because that makes some people who don’t even know them feel uncomfortable. Women are degraded and minimized to a degree that is appalling, and despite everyone being fully aware that the wage gap exists, people are actually (still) debating whether that’s problematic. And then you have the other side that believes all of these aforementioned things are patently abhorrent and need to be fixed. What middle ground exists within that dynamic? Give black people the right to live but let’s hold back on letting LGBTQ+ people exist with any sense of being full citizens? Let’s keep migrant kids in open pens instead of cages, and don’t give women equal pay but maybe just a slight increase so that they’re now being paid 85¢ for every male dollar as opposed to 81¢? None of that is just nor a fair compromise, because you can’t compromise when you’re fighting for someone’s humanity to be acknowledged. Either it is or it isn’t.
I’ve heard harsh words originating from each side, and that does, indeed, reflect a lack of respect. But I’ve approached many a conservative with the mindset of having a thoughtful exchange of ideas in hopes that we might both understand each other more aptly. And as a result of that, I’ve been insulted, diminished, and literally told to shut up the minute I’ve made a point someone either can’t figure out how to reasonably address or I have indicated that I believe myself to be a knowledgeable human being not looking for their permission to exist. Frankly, I’m done being nice, and I’m done showing compassion in hopes that the other person might be swayed, because they never are. That has often left myself open for verbal abuse for absolutely no reason, and I can’t do that anymore; I shouldn’t be expected to. Sometimes, I HAVE said mean things, and I meant every word of it. I will not ever allow someone to degrade me in the futile hope that I can appeal to their humanity. Because the second you began to treat me as “less-than”, you forfeited your right to see my good nature, and I don’t owe you anything. Especially not when the argument you are making is in support of me not being able to enjoy the liberties and freedoms that are due me.
I often cringe when people make the argument for political centrality, because it honestly feels like a cop-out. A person is willing to forego taking a stance, because they can afford to, usually because their lives don’t depend on it. That’s not a privilege I have. Decisions are being made today that affect me deeply, and I cannot sit back “objectively” to find the middle ground. Either you believe in science or you don’t. Either you think it’s wrong that, in NYC, cops were beating black and brown people in the Bronx and putting them in jail for “failure to social distance” while they politely handed out masks to the white people in Central Park, or you don’t. And if you have to stop for an extensive period of time in order to figure out where you land, it’s already clear that you have not chosen the side that respects all humanity.
This country is an absolute mess, but it’s been a mess in the making for hundreds of years. Every citizen needs to decide what it is they stand for and what kind of country they want to live in. Now. And there can be nothing gradual about whatever shift we need to make. People are suffering. Now. They don’t deserve to be sacrificed just so others who don’t like change don’t feel too inconvenienced. “With all deliberate speed” was a bullshit strategy in the 1950s, and it’s a bullshit strategy now. Cuz we waited 60-plus years, and what has really been accomplished in all of that time? We got schools all over this country never even been integrated. But yet we pat ourselves on the back and call ourselves a post-racial society.
No, fam. Just no.
If you like what you just read, please follow me on Instagram. @TheRandomThoughtsofmyBrain
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science-fiction-is-real · 5 years ago
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In which i talk about joseph stalin for a long time and also about intersectionality
You know who i’ve been reading a lot about recently?
Joseph Stalin.
And I’ve been reading, and while i’m at work all day, working mostly alone, no music or distractions, i’ve been thinking about everything i’ve been reading.
and this fucker who died before my parents were even born has been on my mind, because i just don’t fucking get it.
This idiot was a revolutionary.  a god damn REVOLUTIONARY.  Did hard time in siberia as a political prisoner.  (I mean, probably also a prisoner for all the organized crime he was doing---to fund the REVOLUTION)  That’s not the sort of thing a grifter, who is only interested in power, gets into.  It’s an absolutely terrible grift.  It’s a lot of risk to take if you aren’t a true believer.
And in between all the bank robberies and what not, he edited a newspaper and did a lot of writing.  There’s a database online where you can read pretty much everything Stalin ever wrote (Along with pretty much every thing pretty much every other famous Marxist ever wrote).  I can’t really bring myself to read too much of his stuff.  Eww.  Why would I want to.  Gross.  But also I feel like i should in the name of fact checking, and understanding what I’m talking about before I talk about it.
But the stuff i did read, was...... not terrible....? Some of it was replying to other socialist writing (because what do lefties enjoy more than arguing with other lefties, amiright???), a lot of it was old fashioned marxist stuff talking about working class vs capitalists, and a lot of it was describing legitimate complaints about the Czarist government.  Expressing anger at the pogroms and the suppression of ethnic minorities and hunger and poverty.  Sounds like a good reason to have a revolution to me.
Of course, those were all the same sorts of atrocities he himself would go on to do.  again.  eww.
But, after all of this, it’s pretty clear to me that pre-revolutionary Stalin was a true fuckin believer.
And that kept me up at night.  Because how come that would change when he himself came into power?
Is it because once you’re handed power, the temptation to abuse it is just far too great?  Is it because when the revolution is over, and the complexities of the ‘’Real World,’’ are obvious, and it’s all to easy to abandon idealism in order to get things done?  Are all post-revolutionary periods destined to be violent and oppressive, because the new government wants to assert its power?  How much blame does he get personally, and how much goes to the other founders of the revolutionary movement--Lenin and Trotsky and the like-- who laid the groundwork for how things would function?  IS socialism itself just cursed to fail like my republican grandma told me?
Or is this just a classical example of the other thing our republican grandmas warned us about, radical idealists turning cranky and cruel and conservative in old age just like they did? I mean what sort of things did stalin do while in power?  A lot of pretty republican things.  LMAO.  Banning the gays and abortion, enforcing strict gender norms, getting TOUGH ON CRIME!  Beefing up the military on money that should be used to provide for people’s basic needs....
If the right gets to try and pass off Hitler as a socialist, the left gets to say that Stalin was a moderate republican.  (Not full republican.  I mean, he did actually react appropriately when he found out there were Nazis in his country.  Just moderate republican.)  LMAO!
But then i thought about it a little more.
No.  He was not a right winger.  No one who spends the first half of his adult life trying to overthrow a government that had been ruling for 300 years is a god damn fucking right winger.  He was left wing.  But.....  Old timy left wing.
Because he did make good on a lot of the socialist ideas while in office.  I’m pretty sure he set up a fairly solid welfare state, free housing and education and healthcare and whatnot.  That was pretty new and revolutionary for the time.
But... Old timy left wing.
and if you think about old timy left-wingers.  most of them are only left wing in SOME areas.  The right absolutely LOVES to point this out.  ‘’Sure Margaret Sanger was a radical feminist, but she was also a racist!’’  ‘’This person was a racist, this person was homophobic!  All your icons are fake frauds!’’  I mean, they probably were all racist and homophobic and whatnot, but that doesn’t actually deminish the radicality of the stuff they were ‘’woke’’ on.
And that’s true for the pre-marxist left too.  We can hate on Thomas Jefferson all day long for being a creepy rapy slave owner and rich asshole who should have been tarred and feathered and  (sorry, i brought up thomas jefferson, i have to go take 5 and cool down before i punch something)  But he still was..... left.  To say ‘’all men are created equal,’’ even if you just mean straight white men, was still kind of radical in the 18th century, when the world was still divided up between the gentry and the common men, and people were presumed to have class status that was bred into them and was part of their very inner nature.  The idea that you could just throw out the idea of a nobility ruling class, or the monarchy, and initiate some sort of meritocracy based system, was out of this fucking world at that point.
And you can say the say the same thing about the russian revolutionaries.  You can criticize them up and down and left and right for being undemocratic, but the idea that wealth should be something everyone has guaranteed access to, that no one should hold economic power over you, that working people deserve some sort of dignified recognition for what they do, that was--AND STILL IS--radical.
Lenin, who lived in monarchical empire, saw the western countries move away from monarchies and embrace our versions of Western Capitalist Democracy (TM).  He decided his revolution would go in a different direction, one of economic instead of political democracy.  The western style of revolution had been tried, and now it was time to try out an eastern style of revolution.
I think he would have said something like ‘’look, ya’ll in france and england can vote, and i’ve been to france and england.  Those places suck ass.  You’re poor and hungry and miserable and working 10 hours a day for shit pay and going home to your crammed tenement apartments before dying of cholera at the age of 12.  Hell of a lot a good DeMoCrAcY does.  We need ECONOMIC democracy instead.’’  
I do remember a quote from lenin, that said something along the lines of ‘’Yes, my system isn’t ‘democratic’ but if you think about it, it’s a hell of a lot more democratic than anything they’re doing in capitalist countries.’’
Of course, we modern folk who fancy ourselves so enlightened by hindsight will point out that you need BOTH economic and political democracy.  A democratic government being run alongside an undemocratic economy is oppression. Anyone who lives in the United States and has read more than three books in their life can see this.  It SUCKS.  Likewise.  An egalitarian economy being run by an undemocratic government is also oppression, because the government can do whatever it wants to the economy, like, say.... sell all the country’s food on the international market to fund various different 5-year-plan projects.  Had Stalin been subjected to democratic processes, he never would have been allowed to do that.
In the early 20th century, there wasn’t really much of a concept of INTERSECTIONALITY.  in the modern left, we pretty much agree that if you want to have freedom and equality in one sphere of life, you also need to pursue freedom and equality in other spheres.  Oppression is contagious.  If you allow discrimination against Gays for example, this leads to discrimination against the sexes because people are going to be forced into stricter and stricter gender norms.  And of course, if you want political equality under the law, you also need racial equality so that one group of people isn’t disenfranchised from voting or fair treatment by the courts.
Just like how political democracy has to happen alongside economic democracy.
So yeah, I guess after the end of all this long ranting and shit.  I think it makes sense why a serious revolutionary true believer like Stalin can grow into a tyrant.  Because Old timy left-wing politics was underdeveloped and had lots of blind spots.  People didn’t realize that it was important for movements to be led by people who were seriously committed to intersectional emancipation.  Young Stalin when he would go hang out with all of his socialist dude-bro friends, planning their bank heists, wearing their newsboys hats, trying not to die of cholera,  he probably wasn’t being called out on sexism or racism.  They were just an economic-left movement that didn’t care much about the other stuff.
But there isn’t really a whole lot to gain by doing a character analysis on some ass wipe who kicked the bucket before color television was even invented.  All the terrible things he did and all the good intentions, sincere or not, that he had, that is between him and whatever God is governing this bitch of a universe. We on the left know better than to look at individuals to answer important questions, we know to look at systems.  And gather lessons so that we can build better movements in the future.
Yeah, whatever, intersectionality.
Sorry this was so long and poorly written.  I shall cite no sources and do no editing.  Fuck you.  Thanks for reading.
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ashandboneca · 5 years ago
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Unsolicited Criticism
So a few years ago, I dealt with some criticism in my personal life over my choices. I’m a NB queer witch who is (not legally) married to two people. It was a bit of a thing, but it has ended my relationship with an extended family member. I had some other things happening in another sect of my more immediate family that I did not agree with, but I held my tongue (because it’s none of my business) which was kind of weird as well.
So I got to thinking, because I like to take things like people being assholes and turn it into a lesson that can apply to other people and other situations. There should be a way to turn something wretched into something you can learn from. It’s not about putting a positive spin on things - sometimes, things just suck and there is no turning that frown upside-down. It’s about taking the situation, removing the emotion from it, and using it as a blueprint for other, similar situations so you can have a plan for how to deal with these things that crop up in the future.
I thought it might be a good thing to talk about dealing with unsolicited criticism and opinions about your choices, your life, and your craft.
I really believe that the choices we make in this life are ours to make. I think too many people are willing to stick their noses into things they have no business being wrapped up in, and it causes more grief than it is worth. Everyone feels their opinion is valid, important, and needed. This is not always the case.
People should ask themselves these four questions before the open their mouths/type away on their keyboards:
- is it true?
- is it kind?
- is it needed?
- is it something I need to say?
Opinions or criticism should have some grain of truth to them. They should be constructive (aka kind). They should be necessary - and actually necessary, not just because you feel ‘it’s the right thing to say’, and it should be something that you feel you are required to impart to the party receiving it.
How do you know if it fulfills these simple requirements?
Firstly, and always, you need to look at where the criticism/opinion is coming from. Is it someone you trust, or whose opinion you value? Is it some random stranger? Why do you think they are saying what they are saying? Have you decided to become a drug mule or join a crime family, or did you just get your hair cut short or paint your bedroom? Most times, when these things are coming from trusted people, like family members, they are coming from a place of love. Most times. Because they are family, there is a certain expectation that their opinion carries more weight. When your old Christian aunt is telling you that you are going to hell because if your beliefs, it could be coming from a place of love. It could also be coming from a place of condescension. Maybe auntie thinks your beliefs are stupid, or silly, of that you aren’t capable of making your own decisions? The key is learning to interpret the tone of their concern, and act accordingly.
My old Catholic grandmother, gentle soul that she is, told me at 14 that I was going to hell because I would not get confirmed. It was so matter of fact, with not a lick of condescension. She merely said she would pray for me, hugged me, and we both moved on with our lives. It came from a place of love. Previous drama came from a place of condescension and foolishness, and it was rebuked.
Secondly, use your own critical thinking skills and judgement to determine if the criticism/opinion holds any merit. Sometimes people around us try to present us with situations that we may be otherwise blind to. Maybe you’re culturally appropriating something and it’s offensive to the people around you and to that group. Maybe something you present online or in person is actually super racist. Maybe your practice includes some manner of hurtful or harmful practice, and people are concerned for your wellbeing. Maybe you’re mentally ill, and off your meds, and people are concerned for you. We can’t always see things that are right in front of us, and sometimes it takes an outside observer to clue us into what we may be missing. There are valid points in being criticized - we often learn from it in a beneficial way if it is constructive and seeks to better you as a person. Hell, a large portion of my schooling was learning to take constructive criticism, which is super important as an artist who works commercially. Not everyone is going to like what you present, or agree with your own opinions.
Thirdly, you have to realize that you have every right to disagree or rebuke the criticism/opinion. If someone is disagreeing with how you are practicing, you have every right to tell them to go pound sand. Depending on the source, you should be able to decide how you want to act. It also depends on how forceful or backward the opinion is - if the person is family but is holding a bigoted and hurtful opinion, you have every right to disagree with what they are saying, and explain to them how they are incorrect. Opinions are not factual - they are not immovable, or static. They are moveable and should be ever evolving. If they then refuse to alter their opinion, and choose to continue to hold a hurtful viewpoint - for example, they’re racist, homophobic, bigoted, sizeist, etc - you can make the choice to be willing to accept that as a part of who they choose to be, or move on in life without them.
Now, I have a pretty strict policy on just cutting people out of my life. Part of that reason being I spent a large portion of my life being a doormat and letting people treat me poorly. I decided a long time ago that life was better spent with those who can respect me and love me rather than out of obligation. Life is too short for bullshit. I know I am a good person who deserves to be treated with the dignity and respect I seek to treat others with. I will not lower my standards to expect any less. Second chances are given, but if someone wounds me badly enough, no amount of 'I’m sorry’ is gonna cut it. I can always forgive, but I have the memory of an elephant and I will never forget.  (Short version: I know I’m a good person, and if you treat me like crap I will cut you.) 
How you choose to proceed is your choice. Always know that as an adult, you have the choice to have a relationship of your choosing with family or friends. Some families suck, some people have had abusive upbringings or have been kicked out by parents, and it’s not feasible to maintain a relationship. There is no obligation - no one owes anyone anything. You owe your parents nothing - the gratitude for bringing you into the world and raising you is fine, but that was a choice they made in having you. Realizing that is liberating, and can also set you up to address issues and problems that could be hurting your relationship with family. It can help to form real and lasting bonds built on mutual respect and equal footing. The same goes with friends - they are people you choose to surround yourself with. How and what relationship you choose to have with them is just that - your choice. The quote 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’ comes to mind - we often build secondary families outside of our blood relations who we often have stronger bonds with because we can choose those people based on their merits and that they closely align with our own sensibilities. I have relatives that are crazy conservative, pro-life nut jobs, I have an aunt who physically and emotionally abused me as a child. I actively make the choice to disavow those people because we have no common ground to stand on - we are so vastly different there is no way to reconcile it. We are blood, but we are not family, if you get what I’m saying.
I should also point out that not every opinion should be aired. Sometimes, there are things you just need to keep to yourself. Yeah, okay, Susie’s hair does look like it was cut with a weed whacker, but telling her that will only hurt her and serves no purpose other than to be judgemental - maybe Susie likes her hair like that. Assuming you know better than Susie makes you a dick, because Susie is her own person and can do whatever she goddamn pleases with her hair. Maybe Joe’s altar looks tacky and cheap - still not your place to comment, because that’s Joe’s space and has nothing to do with you. Unless it involves the serious well being of someone or involves you directly, it may serve better to keep your opinions to yourself.
In the case of this criticism coming from an outside, anonymous source - I normally evaluate it, but often ignore it. It is hard to make personal judgements on someone without knowing who they are. If the person is actually making a really good point, even if it contrary to how I feel, I will take it under consideration and use my critical thinking to evaluate its usefulness. I try to approach all of my problems in a logical, matter-of-fact way. I often try and put myself in someone else’s shoes  - like if I was an outside observer in the situation, how would I react? If you remove the emotion from the situation, and look at the words said and the intention behind them, you can get a fairly clear sense of what you should do.
I’m not advocating cut and run - not even remotely. I am advocating personal choice, and telling you that if you are an adult, it is okay to make that choice if it is better for your wellbeing overall. Don’t keep people around out of obligation - it serves neither of you any purpose, and just builds resentment. It breeds guilt and doubt. Cut the ties, move on, and maybe someday you can get to a point of reconciliation and trust again - people grow and change as life and circumstances change.
When you are expressing your own opinions, remember those four points - is it true, kind, needed, and are you the vehicle to impart it? It makes conversations and discussions a lot more functional, that’s for sure. Anything that can make socially awkward people communicate effectively deserves a high five or self five.
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Some of my thoughts and feelings on LGBT-ism
This post was removed from a forum which advertised itself as open to women of all political backgrounds.  So I’m posting it here instead, because I want to publish it.  I wish I’d been exposed to viewpoints like this when I was younger.  The viewpoints I was exposed to were very polarized, very talking-point-y, and not very personal.
I’m looking to connect with other American women from liberal backgrounds who have similar feelings and would like to connect.  Please feel free to respond or dm me or however it works on tumblr.
I wrote this to explore my own thoughts, but after writing it I decided I’d like to publish it.  I want others with similar thoughts to know they are not alone, and I want to know I am not alone.
Things I’ve argued about online.  LGBT.  Now that I have a chance to write and explore my thoughts without someone telling me what to think, what do I actually think about it?
I wish I could have a conversation with my parents about it and have it actually work.  I don’t know how to process some of the experiences I’ve had related to it.  The sort of thing I was taught you should bring to your parents after wrestling with it, but it never seems to resolve anything.  The therapists I tried never seem to give me personal attention either.
But since I can’t talk to them, and I can talk here, what are my thoughts?
What it’s ok to think
I was taught there's nothing wrong with it, and that people got beat up for doing it.  And that the only reason to not do it is because it says so in the Bible.  Healthy, normal sexuality has been incredibly suppressed by all this stuff, though.  That's a big problem.
Like, you can't say sex is for reproduction "because it might be homophobic".  You can't think sex is for reproduction, and consequently order your entire life around that (because that is the primary important thing in life), and have everyone around you order your entire life around it, if you have trouble even thinking it.
No, that is not a positive development.  And it was an explicit goal of feminism.  And I don't like that.  The results have hurt people.  Have hurt women.
Love
Yes, I've been exposed to right-wing talking points, lots and lots of them.  I grew up in an area that had a mix of very conservative people and very liberal people.
My parents were liberal.  They gave me more advice about having premarital sex than about having good relationships of any kind.    
FUCK THAT.
Sex is NOT LOVE.
And what we talk about as "sex" is not sex either.  This gross, commodified, pornified thing.
My Childhood Dreams
It's not what Howl and Sophie were doing.
It's not what children, in their un-knowingness, dream of one day having for themselves -- something loving.  Something healthy.  As good an environment as they could imagine for themselves at that age, storing up their hopes and dreams and preparing for their role as an adult.  Building on everything their parents built, gratefully.  Appreciative, and trying to create the best.
Out of love.  Out of health.  Out of a lack of realizing it "should" be different, because all of that is just the obvious way life is.
Power
And I received almost no support for all that.
It's all been about power struggle.  About not getting taken advantage of.  About men wanting to hurt me.  About people wanting to hurt me.
About how the world is horrible.
Why is everything so horrible?  Why isn't everyone trying to help each other?  Why is it all so much struggle, and so little beauty and love and peaceful prosperity and excellence?  So much stupid little competitions.
Living the dream
Why does it seem like so few girls and boys grow up fulfilling the basic primal, elevated human dream?
Not out of competition, but out of love.  Out of not being hurt.  Out of not being attacked.
Out of just... living up every day to the highest ideals they know about, in their innocence, naivety, and child's sensitivity, ... not being afraid to just ... live well.  To embrace the highest ideals and just naively walk that path like it's the right one because it is.
Why does it seem like there's so little of that?
What do you call the destruction of children’s dreams, the conflation of weird sexual practices with love, and misdirection of thought about what’s important in life?
Grooming.
It seems so obvious in retrospect, as I’ve read over what I wrote.  For all the times I’ve heard, “they’re bigots,” for all the men I’ve seen who distressingly did only seem excited about “bashing gays” and didn’t care about protecting anyone -- what other word would you pick to sum up my experience that I’ve described here?
Compassion scam
Well, I wrote all this because I've been trying writing, for myself, and not for an audience.  I wanted to see what I thought.
I'm angry about the "LGBT" agenda and all the lies that have been used to advance it, and how utterly compassionless they are towards everyone else, while building an entire movement reliant on the completely altruistic compassion of those not like them with whom they do not share actual common cause.
I could say more specific things I'm angry about, but I’ve said the things I'm angry about culturally.  I think they matter.  I think they make a difference.
Procreation is special and important.
Sex is for procreation.  That's the whole point of all of it.
You can't just go around trying to convince people otherwise and claim you're actually creating some sort of positive change in the lives of the young, un-mated people who come to you to understand how the world works when you tell them that.
Only one woman and one man can make a child.  (Well, possibly rarely, two men, if it's twins).  Only one woman and one man will be mutually biologically invested and related to their own child.  That's special, and important.
Getting in the way of healthy public discourse is hateful.
Telling people it's hateful or wrong or whatever to think these things is ... well, it doesn't seem right to me.
Let's be free of all this.
Let's just let ourselves think and talk and coordinate on how the world actually works like normal people.Let's support a public discourse for a positive future.
It's not fucking hateful to do so.  And getting in the way of that is.
I’m not going to do the mental gymnastics anymore.  It’s not the same thing.
I'm not going to do the mental gymnastics anymore to pretend it's the same thing.  It's not.  And I'm not hateful for thinking that, and I'm not going to feel that little tug that tells me I am, that stops my train of thought, that makes me dwell on it and wonder if it's ok to think that, such that I lose the idea I was trying to explore because it might be not ok to think.
It's not only ok to think, it's obvious and normal to think.  The kind of thing that's obvious and normal to a child raised in a healthy environment and not abused.
I'm not going to do the mental gymnastics anymore.  I'm not going to stop my thinking because someone told me it's wrong to think those things.  I'm not going to shy away from all the ways biological family is unique and special and the most important thing, the one most important thing to structure your entire life around and make as good as possible.
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myfeelingshavefeelings · 7 years ago
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Please offer feedback!
For my English class, we had to write a 'diagnostic essay' about a topic we're passionate about and wouldn't need to do research for, so I chose LGBT+ representation in the media. I was hoping to get some feedback from people perhaps more knowledgeable than I, like @thefingerfuckingfemalefury . Anyway, here it is:
LGBT+ Representation in Visual Media is Very Flawed
As a member of the LGBT+ community, I know that LGBT+ representation in the media is priceless, for everyone, regardless of whether they identify as LGBT+ or not.  Obviously, improvements have been made in LGBT+ representation in the media, especially in YA literature, with well-known series, such as Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard by Rick Riordan, and standalone novels, like Carry On by Rainbow Rowell, featuring more and more characters-both main and background-who identify as LGBT+.  However, the media still has a long way to go, as these representations are not without their flaws.  This is most obvious in visual media-movies, TV shows, etc.
    For example, LGBT+ characters have a history of being treated badly by show-writers.  One gross example of this is a gay character being brainwashed into being ‘straight again’ on Shameless UK.  And much of the time, LGBT+ romances end in tragedy, which is ironic considering the original meaning of the word ‘gay’. This has actually led to coinage of the term ‘gayngst’, as well as many jokes about how much straight people love their ‘tragic gays’.  Whether it was killing one or both halves of the couple, such as the killing off of Lexa in The 100, leading to controversy over the infamous “Bury Your Gays” trope, or having them break-up for whatever reason (cheating, social pressure, etc.) it can feel like they never get a happy ending.  A recent example of this was when the CW’s show Supergirl broke up fan beloved couple Maggie Sawyer and Alex Danvers, after it was discovered Maggie had been cheating.  Even if it’s just throwing in unnecessary drama, like Ian developing BPD and Mickey being forced to marry Svetlana in Shameless US, rarely is it all sunshine and rainbows for non-cishet couples.
Another issue is that these relationships frequently feature substantial age gaps.  Well-known examples include Call Me By Your Name, wherein Elio is 17 and Oliver is 24; and Blue is the Warmest Color, where Adèle is 15 and Emma is a grad student.  By American laws, their scenes of intimacy are statutory rape. Unsurprisingly, neither couple gets a happy ending-Oliver leaves Elio and marries a woman less than a year later to please his conservative parents; Adèle cheats on Emma, and they break up.
Plus, many toxic LGBT+ relationships are all but glorified because there’s little else available.  Big example-Ian Gallagher and Mickey Milkovich from Shameless US.  Through physical and verbal abuse, multiple breakups, Ian’s BPD, Ian kidnapping Mickey’s son, Mickey’s violently homophobic father discovering the relationship and forcing him to marry a female prostitute, and Mickey going to jail for murder, fans still desperately want to see them end up together, which isn’t healthy.  They’ve literally gotten into fistfights over the smallest disagreements, but because they make out afterwards, clearly it’s true love, according to the fanbase.  Similar arguments for-or should I say against-Alex and Piper’s relationship from Orange is the New Black.  Alex is a drug dealer, Piper is a manipulative narcissist, and it’s just one tumultuous mess of toxic codependency.   And the world has enough problems with straight couples staying in abusive relationships because they believe the other person loves them-I’m looking at you, 50 Shades trilogy. The last thing we need is members of the LGBT+ community, who are already at risk of violence against themselves for who they choose to be or love, settling for abusive partners because they think that’s as good as it gets.
  One more issue with LGBT+ representation is that there is an imbalance between how much showtime is given to straight couples versus LGBT+ couples.  Take Freeform’s  Shadowhunters: when it comes to promotional materials, there is more devoted to Clary and Jace’s relationship than Magnus and Alec’s.  Morally dubious relationships like Izzy and Raphael, Izzy and Aldertree, Simon and Camille, etc. that add next to nothing to the plot are given somewhat substantial runtime and scenes with explicit sexual undertones. Viewers spend an awkward minute watching Jace and Maia make-out against a brick wall in an alley, during which time she licks his abs, before they have a one-night stand. Contrast with, Magnus and Alec, who originally would’ve only gotten a suggestive fade to black had there not been major outcry from fans of the show, and they’re one of the most healthy, naturally-developed relationships on TV right now.
There’s also a lack of diversity within LGBT+ representation-many LGBT+ couples are between two white people: Lukas and Philip from Eyewitness, Alex and Piper from Orange is the New Black, etc., the list goes on.  And, in my experience, they’re not often interracial.  In addition, more ‘obscure’ sexual orientations (e.g. demisexual, pansexual, etc.) and gender identities (e.g. nonbinary, genderfluid, etc.) are often difficult, if not impossible, to find.
The icing on the cake is, of course, that TV shows featuring LGBT+ couples/characters are often cancelled, like Sense8, or constantly at risk of cancellation, like Wynonna Earp, sometimes in spite of fan support, which is a shame.  These shows are so important, especially to people who feel like they don’t belong because of their sexuality or their gender.
Representation is so important, especially for young people, and we desperately need more of it.  Diversity in media helps people figure out who they are, and learn to accept and respect those who are different from themselves.  Also, inaccurate representation hurts this minority group, and is part of the larger problem of the generalized homophobia/transphobia in America.
(Sorry if the formatting is messed up, I'm on Tumblr mobile)
Please don't repost/steal-I worked really hard on this
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awed-frog · 7 years ago
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Hi! I realized something the other day (I'm really slow wth) My parents have the same age as Dean, lit (I know weird but wathever) and my mum is homophobic (I'm bi, sad story lol) and she watches the show with me. The thing is that I annoy her with Destiel and she gets really angry (at some point she started disliking Cas, imagine that) and she looks for back up in my aunt for example, peolple her age. But me? My friends know that I'm bi, one confessed she thought she was too 1/2
2/2 and one of my bf ships Destiel really hard too. And it made realize of just how difficult it must be for Dean to “came out of the closet” if he is bi (I’m sure he is but till it becomes canon…) I mean, it’s not easy for me, it’s not easy right now for a lot of people but I’m positive that it’s better than before. Dean and people his age had it worse I think and it opened my mind to how much he must have struggled, how possible it was that Jhon could have hit him for that, oh too long 2/3
3/3 Bc before realizing this? I was like “Jhon beating hip up for this? no way. Maybe if he caught Dean while drunk and half out of his mind, but sober and knowing exactly what he’s doing?” And i must sound really stupid sorry, bc now it happens this too but it’s just WOW poor Dean, I wanna hug him. Also Charlie is a champion, and those married hunter couple 😢 Why do people do this (Also, if you have more idea of how it used to be, could u tell me? Correct me if I’m wrong?) bye ❤
Hey there! Sorry you’re having some trouble with your mom, here’s to hoping she’ll grown more accepting with time!
(But even if she doesn’t, remember that has nothing to do with you - she can choose whether to be tolerant and kind, while you can’t choose whether to be bi or not, so the ball is in her camp.)
As for Dean - yeah, he’s more or less my age, but he moves in a background that’s vastly different from mine - I’m sure other people (maybe @bert-and-ernie-are-gay or @mittensmorgul or @thejabberwock?) could tell you what it was like to grow up in the States around that time, and how queer people were perceived. All I can tell you is that in my corner of the world, being gay was something people expected you to keep quiet about - in my school, only one kid was out, and five other had that kind of ‘we all know but they never said anything so we pretend we don’t know and maybe we’re wrong’ status, and I know life had its ups and downs for them. Some people were really antagonistic (it was mostly boy on boy banter that was the problem, and I know that the worst time for gay kids was P.E., because here everyone is expected to shower together, so a vague ‘Tom looks sorta gay, haha’ can quickly turn into a ‘Hey why is that f*ggot staring at me now I’m naked’ and then all bets are off), and most people didn’t really care one way or the other, but still - the trouble is, you grow up in a culture where you don’t really have positive representation of any kind - gay people were either men dressing up and wearing feathers in funny movies or hospital patients dying of AIDS in sad movies - even for someone like me, who grew up in a weird household and read all kind of books, it was difficult to imagine a gay person being - a normal person, you know what I mean? Someone who’d have a relationship one day, and a house and a whatever job and would fight over whose turn it was to wash the dishes. And for kids with conservative parents, things were often much harsher, as I wrote here. Plus, even in the 1990s, AIDS was a big concern for most of us, gay or straight, so that was a problem as well - the illness was no longer perceived as a ‘gay’ illness (which it never was, by the way), but the fact we were bombarded with messages about the importance of condoms and safe sex, even as kids, played a role in our general understanding of sexuality (our own and other people’s).
For me, personally, the consequence of this climate of silence and diffidence in how we approached the matter meant that I considered my crushes on girls to be ‘just a phase’, or something like ‘I want to be like her’ rather than ‘I want to be with her’; whether this prevented me from seeking out romantic connections with women, we’ll never know, but since I’m insanely happy with the relationship I have now and am deeply in love with the man who shares my life, it’s not really a problem for me. That said, yeah, it doesn’t really surprise me to see that the more openly we discuss the subject and the more we respect what we feel, the fewer people identify as straight - in the UK, 49% of young people are not straight, and to me that’s a figure that makes perfect sense. We generally fall in love with souls, not bodies, so the more open-minded we are about such things, the more our potential to form relationships with anyone broadens. And, of course, as we’re heading into an age where AI will be a thing, it’s likely our understanding of what a suitable partner is will change a lot over the next few decades.
As for Dean Winchester - as I said, I’m not an expert, but this is a guy who grew up in a very different - and often hostile - environment. Unfortunately, the US is still a country where members of the LGBT community face significant risks - risks teen!Dean would be very familiar with, since half his job as a hunter-in-training was going through the newspapers looking for cases. For instance, in 1993, when Dean was fourteen, there was the murder of Brandon Teena, and the year before, Allen Schindler was killed - since he was a soldier on duty, it’s likely John would have discussed that sooner or later, and the wider ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ issue. And, I don’t know - I don’t see John as homophobic, exactly, but still - he would have considered his kids’ legitimate wish to form a relationship with someone an annoyance at best (I wonder if Sam or Dean ever sulked when they had to move because they’d lose touch with a crush or a girlfriend, for instance - they must have, right?) and an irrational luxury at worst (a partner can distract you or get targeted by enemies, as John knew from experience), and as for Dean being bi - objectively, men are more dangerous than women, and there is a significant risk a predator will pretend to be gay to trap you and hurt you, so I’m thinking this is the reason John would have objected to Dean’s choices, if nothing else. Furthermore, we’ve seen how conservative the hunter community is (or used to be) - I think John would have agreed with the adults I met growing up - would have said that okay, whatever - if Dean wanted to have fun with a man, who could stop him, right, but he’d better be careful and he’d better be private about it and ‘Jesus, let’s hope the kid doesn’t like it up the ass’ because, whatever, people have been having trouble with this particular thing for the past three thousand years and that’s not likely to change any time soon. So, yeah - I think there’s a good chance Dean took a long time to even understand he was attracted to men as well, and there’s a possibility that his acceptance and understanding of himself was muddled by the fact he was abused at some point, and turned tricks later in life - personally, my headcanon is that his experimenting years happened during the Stanford era, when he was mostly alone, and since then he’s not really thought about the whole thing a whole lot - partly because he’s always with Sam (and Sam can be very judgemental), and mostly because Dean’s got zero time for any of that stuff, and a lifespan to match - we know he thinks he shouldn’t have any relationships at all, for a bunch of reasons, and that honestly breaks my heart. 
Poor guy. I really, really hope he’ll get his happy ending - God knows he deserves it.
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mormonmonastery · 7 years ago
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can you give advice/thoughts on supporting lgbtq+ rights after that byu teacher was fired for posting about it? i didn't look into it too much because it frightened me and i'm afraid that even supporting my friends is frowned upon by the church. i don't understand it very well because it feels to me like giving people agency is more in line with the plan of happiness than trying to force everyone to live within christian standards...
first of all, Christian Standards? loving one another is a Christian Standard. giving your money to the poor is a Christian Standard. turning the other cheek is a Christian Standard. being a jerk to gay people and excluding them from your faith community because of a selective interpretation of scripture that hyper-focuses on three or four verses taken out of their larger historical context, while ignoring how a constant element of Jesus’ ministry was reaching out to the marginalized and excluded while tearing down overly rigid and dehumanizing performances of religion, is simply being a jerk. I agree that our commitment to agency stemming from our understanding of the plan of happiness should see us veer away from forcing others’ adherence to Christian Standards, but homophobia isn’t a Christian Standard! in fact, I would argue that there are a few things more anti-Christ and anti-Christian than religiously-motivated homophobia!
I think that the case you’re alluding to will worry you less when you hear it happened at BYU-Idaho, which has a reputation of being even more conservative and reactionary than its parent university, and that it involved two of the professor’s Facebook friends snitching to the university about a private post. That’s a storm of a situation which, I dare say, will not be easy to replicate. If you’re a student and/or faculty at a BYU, I can see how this would be more concerning to you–I purposefully never applied to BYU-Provo because I knew I would have reacted to the performative aspect of religious adherence that’s codified there like oil & water, so I’m not the best person to speak on what you can and can’t get away with on those campuses. 
What I do know is that supporting your friends isn’t frowned upon by the Church: as Elder Christofferson said after in interviews after the passage of Utah’s 2015 nondiscrimination legislation, “there hasn’t been any litmus test or standard imposed that you couldn’t support [marriage equality] if you want to support it, if that’s your belief and you think it’s right.“ The support or affiliate question in the temple recommend interview was written in relation to groups who tear down or oppose the Church in a negative sense–most significantly, polygamist sects who attempted to poach members or gain access to temple ordinances–and has no relation to a positive and individual commitment to supporting the LGBTQ+ community. A recent PR statement communicated a desire on the Church’s part to “fostera community of inclusion in which no one is mistreated because of who they are or what they believe.” If anyone in your local leadership or any of your LDS friends are giving you are hard time about being an ally, you have a surprising amount of authoritative statements to fall back on. Use that, as far as it goes, to your advantage. 
The other thing is that you being an ally doesn’t need to be a public or overt thing, as long as you’re doing what’s important: supporting a marginalized community when it needs support. Obviously being open and zealous about that support with facebook posts, sunday school comments, and awkward corrections over the family dinner table is great so long as you can do it in a way that’s comfortable and healthy for you; as the scripture says, “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength” (Mosiah 4:27). If you’re scared about being a public ally in the Church right now, maybe you need to build up your strength by starting small and moving up from there; after all, “thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly” (Matthew 6:4). Being a listening ear for your LGBTQ friends when they have problems or reaching out to them with a text or message if they sound like they’re feeling down is being an ally. Donating a couple dollars towards LGBTQ charities and resources like Encircle, Affirmation, and The Trevor Project  (to name just a few) is being an ally. Saying “I don’t like jokes that makes fun of other people” when someone tries to get away with a homophobic joke or slur is being an ally. You don’t have to be wearing a badge everywhere that says “HEY, I’M A GAY ALLY,” or do some inspirational Mother Teresa-level work of allyship to be an ally. You just need to step up to support God’s children when you can and when it counts.
Something else that I think is important to remember as an ally is that It’s Not About You. What you’re doing as an ally is great, but that’s really only because it’s what you should be doing already to be a good Christ-like person and being a good Christ-like person is great. You need to be taking cues from the LGBTQ people you know and want to serve about what will help them and what you can do to be part of that instead of just doing whatever--that’s part of listening with empathy. Maybe you’ll make some mistakes at first or find out there are some behaviors of your own that you need to change and as long as you listen and try to improve that’s totally okay--because It’s Not About You, it’s not a judgement on you! Instead, it’s about making sure you are prepared to serve your fellow beings in the way they need to be served here and now. You’re really just a tool in the hands of God, a messenger, an angel--an ego has no place here. Don’t let it get in the way of you doing the Lord’s work!
Those are really the two main gems that I can give you: do what you can & listen to the people you serve and adjust accordingly. That last one should be enough to carry you over the finish line as long as you follow it. I’m proud of your desire to do good and to love others and I’m excited to see what a force for good you can be as you choose to manifest God’s love in your own life!         
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kyell · 8 years ago
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X-Phobia: The word(s) and the myths
Preview: the views below are intended to help people try to have constructive discussions around prejudice, and to learn how to understand other people so we can all share our experience. It’s kinda long, talks about prejudice, and insists on established definitions of a few words that people often either use or interpret incorrectly.
Part of the problem with the way any kind of X-phobia or X-ist term gets thrown around the Internet is that people aren’t working off the same definitions. In a lot of cases, people shift definitions around to suit their causes, but I think the majority of cases are just people who have one definition in their heads, and nobody bothers to explain what these words actually mean.
(By which I mean that people have many times attempted to explain this, but if I’ve learned anything from the Internet, it’s that there is always someone who won’t see something until the tenth or hundredth time you say it.)
So here goes.
To be perfectly clear to start here, X-phobia stands in for transphobia, homophobia, etc., not arachnophobia, triskaidekaphobia, or any other clinical pathological fear. X-ist stands for racist or sexist, not dentist, anthropologist, or any other profession. We’re talking about conditions that make people uncomfortable with other demographic groups, or behaviors that cause harm to those groups.
First myth: “X-phobia means you hate/fear every X person.”
Here’s Wikipedia on transphobia: “Transphobia is a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward transgender or transsexual people, or toward transsexuality.”
And homophobia: “Homophobia encompasses a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward homosexuality or people who are identified or perceived as being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT).”
Note the important word in both definitions: “range.” Of course there are those frothing bigots who want all gays put in concentration camps; they’re homophobes. But then there’s also the guy who says, “I have no problem with gay people as long as I don’t have to see two dudes holding hands or kissing.” That’s a homophobic statement too. Or the person who says, “It’s perfectly fine for them to have those relationships, but I don’t think they should be allowed to adopt children.” In transphobia, you have: “As far as I’m concerned, whatever biology you were born with is your gender, period.” (Why do you get to define someone else’s identity for them?) Even a comment like “hey, if we can just identify as whatever we want, can I identify as rich?” is transphobic. It’s attempting to make a joke by trivializing the serious identity struggle that trans people go through, and it’s propagating a belief–that gender transition is a whimsical choice rather than something deeply felt for years, that there’s no professional counseling involved, that someone could just wake up one day and think “I want to be a different gender, or maybe neither, or both.” That’s as pernicious as the old saw about people choosing to be gay. That belief is what leads people to propose laws about what bathroom trans people can use, laws that actually harm people and make life more difficult for them.
All of these things encompass X-phobia. If someone says, “Hey, that comment you made is X-phobic,” it’s not constructive to say, “No; I don’t hate X people.” That’s not (necessarily) what you’re being accused of. You’re being told that your comment exposes some underlying misunderstanding of what this group’s experience is and/or reinforces prejudices. Here’s the thing: we don’t often know what our prejudices are until we examine them, and we often don’t examine them until someone calls us out on them. We inherit our understanding of the world from our parents and shape it with our friends, and if none of our friends include someone from X group, it’s easy to hold on to prejudices we don’t even realize we had.
So when someone points out a problem with a comment you made, they’re giving you an opportunity to learn. It’s constructive to say, “Whoa. I totally didn’t get that. Can you tell me what I did wrong?” Or “Wow, yeah, that was years ago and I was dumb then. I’m really sorry about that.” Are the people pointing out problems always right? Nah. But it’s also not constructive to run back to YOUR friends to ask “is this really X-phobic?” because they’re the ones who helped shape your worldview in the first place. If you really want to expand your world, listen to the people who are offering their advice.
Second myth: “I have X friends! I can’t be X-ist” (and the associated “therefore nothing I say is X-ist!”)
I thought we got rid of this back when it was “hey, some of my best friends are black.” Again: X-ist doesn’t mean you hate all X. When you befriend someone, you see them as a person; all the things that make up their identity are there, but they’re your friend first. And so your friend becomes the exception in your mind. Maybe you start saying “hey, my friend has surpassed this stereotype so why can’t all X people?” Maybe your default is still to believe that all X people are a certain way until you meet and get to know them. Or maybe you just haven’t talked to your friend about these beliefs, about their experience being a member of this group, so you feel like the simple fact that you enjoy the company of one person in this group means that you can say anything about them. Trust me: you can’t.
Third myth: “Hey, this one X person said that comment isn’t offensive, therefore it’s not X-ist.”
This one gets trotted out a lot. Republicans are very good at finding African-American conservatives to speak out against affirmative action, a program which has helped many minority candidates get an education or an opportunity denied to them by systemic racism in our private sector and educational system. The Washington, D.C. football franchise often highlights one of the fifteen percent of Native Americans who aren’t offended by their name (the percentage varies according to what poll and what year you’re looking at). But look: just because you can find one person who isn’t offended doesn’t mean that the twenty people who are offended are wrong. Is there some important truth behind your remark or behavior that supersedes the right of those people to feel like accepted members of society? It’s kind of like when a magazine writes, “Furry fandom is all about sex” (this was more common in the 90s than it is now), and they get that one furry to say, “yeah, pretty much everything I do in the fandom is sexual.” So…the rest of us should shut up about that comment because there’s at least one person who says it’s okay?
The counterargument is “What if there’s just one person who objects to everything? Should we listen to them?” I’m talking common sense here. What’s acceptable in society is constantly changing, and what’s acceptable in one community might not be acceptable in another; what’s acceptable in your community today might be different from what was acceptable five or ten years ago. If you want to keep hanging out in a community, listen to what its members are telling you. Doesn’t mean that every time a single person complains about something you say that you have to change it. But as I said above, when you get close to one of these sensitive areas, it’s always worth examining the things you say and do in public. You might come away thinking, “nah, those people are over-reacting.” But you might also say, “you know what, I still don’t see it, but I’m gonna take their word for it and try harder to understand.”
tl;dr:
Look, ultimately all I’m saying is that if someone tells you that you’re speaking/acting with prejudice, if they say you’ve said something X-phobic or X-ist, don’t snap back that you’re not a bad person. Take it as a chance to prove you’re not by examining the words you say and the beliefs that drive them. It’s hard to put aside beliefs you’ve had for years without questioning, but the longer you put it off, the harder it gets. And if you start, if you make that initial effort, you’ll find it easier and easier to go on, and you’ll be open to a new world built on a more solid foundation. I’ve had that experience and it didn’t kill me. It won’t kill you either, and it might make the world a better place.
(And also, if you’re trying to show someone that what they’re saying/doing IS X-phobic/X-ist, don’t wield those words like clubs. Be patient, be reasonable, and try to separate the statement from the person. “Your statement is transphobic” is a lot easier to start a conversation with than “you’re a transphobe.”)
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X-Phobia: The word(s) and the myths was originally published on Kyell's Corner
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