#or even the little things like. cooking for myself every day or brushing my teeth or remembering to take my meds every day

[natjennie]

the middle ground after being a suicidal adolescent is truly fucked up like. okay so I learned that there is love in the world actually and I have grown to appreciate the little moments of beauty in my life and now what. I have to like get a job and feed myself and take my medicine every day and like. function? as an adult? it's like. I care enough about my life now to stop actively harming myself in overt ways but not enough to be responsible or sensible or healthy long term. I'm just exactly depressed enough to be able to find moments of joy, but not enough to believe I deserve them forever, and certainly not enough to be motivated into securing more moments of joy in the future. what the fuck am I supposed to do now.

[withhertea]

HELLO WITCHES!

it’s me! through the mailer! how fun!

so i recently found out how many cute people are signed up to this mailer and spoiler – it’s a lot! i had also been thinking about ways to speak to u all more openly and honestly, and i suddenly was like, what if the mailer could become more of a personal letter service, from my brain to yours? i have been an avid fan of the lorde mailer for many years now (the girls who get it get it); i can still quote and remember specific excerpts from the release of solar power, and it’s always been such a welcome treat in my inbox, so i figured maybe i could take a little inspiration and start doing the same with you guys.

however, i can’t say it was all rainbows and bunnies. touring is hard, and as i get older i feel like it gets tougher to be away from home, from my loved ones, from the life i’ve built for myself in london. i get huge health anxiety for my voice, as i’ve had serious difficulties with it on previous tours and so immediately i become hyper aware; waking up every morning trying and then failing to sing a high note before you’ve even brushed your teeth is not an experience i wish on my worst enemies. i know online it can look like we’re all having the time of our lives, and as much as that is true in many ways, i also feel like it’s important to share all sides of the coin you know? im SO lucky to do what i do, and i never forget that, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get pretty challenging. i needed a home cooked meal like i needed oxygen by the end!

i’ve also been working on MP3 – dun dun duhhhhh :O it’s definitely been a process throughout this year, working in little gaps between tours, slowly trying to piece together what it’s going to be. i think i have 6 songs right now that feel extremely right, and a dozen more that could feel extremely right with the right gift wrapping. making albums when you’re someone like me can be quite frankly exhausting – my bar is in the sky, my standards have never been higher, and whilst its amazing having such a big team behind me, sometimes it can feel like everytime you send a song across you’re waiting for your grade back. is it an A, or a B, or a C and a do better next time?? music should be made for arts sake, something i really am trying to remember, and i’ve had a great week in the studio this week with some long time favourites of mine, so im excited for what the rest of the months will bring :’) im writing from the heart, and i believe that is what matters most. i wrote a song called real thing this week that im pretty excited about, so here’s a little teaser for you :

‘love was a rumour, now it’s my morning coffee, and all of that heartbreak, oh it melted right off me’

it wouldn’t feel right to sign this off without talking about the election result in america. whilst i’m not an american, i spend a lot of time there and love a lot of people who live there. i was hugely disappointed and frankly terrified of the outcome, and i want to take this moment to say: to all of my BIPOC fans, all of my queer fans, trans fans, i am with you, i support you, i love you, and i will do whatever i can do over the next four years to be and create a safe space for you.

here are some quick recommendations to make your day a little better, and i will talk to you all again soon!

the new christian lee hutson album, paradise pop 10! (it’s all i listen to right now), water ballet and flamingos are my favourites

2. netil market in london fields, and then the everything seasoning pizza slices <333 slap so hard

3. BANANAGRAMS. a conan tour obsession that has infiltrated my whole consciousness. you must join the cult.

4. a book called greta & valdin – i read on the plane ride out to america, and it was such a fun, poignant, heartfelt read <3

love u all deeply <3 mais x

Maisie's newsletter (November 15 2024)

[enbysaurus-rex]

So maybe life is hard sometimes

and it would be nice if it were easier. It might not be any one thing, but maybe there are a lot of little problems that add up or thinks that are just exhausting? Disability/executive dysfunction/life/burnout maybe has you down, that’s all, and you know you can make your space yours to make it better, but what does that mean???

An incomplete list in no particular order about the Weird Shit I do to make my life less fucking exhausting, sometimes. I’m a certified adult, I promise.

More garbage cans! Put them everywhere! Next to your bed and your chair and your couch and both ends of your counter and your litter boxes and-

Hair ties, everywhere! If you have tie-back-able hair! Brushes, maybe, or combs! I keep them in my desk and in my kitchen and my bathroom and my car and my floor (I have cats) and my trunk and my bag and-

Toothbrushes and toothpaste! Gum! Those weird little single use toothbrush fuckers! Everywhere! I keep a toothbrush and kids toothpaste in my car cup holder! I brushed my teeth at 3pm while running an errand for my boss! I use kids toothpaste bc my hands hate me and it’s easier to squeeze! Big packs at the dollar store for the toothbrushes, and you can get cheap toothpaste! Hell, even if you just use the brush it’s better than nothing!! I keep another set in my shower and in my kitchen and in my bag

Loads of chairs! Seating! Everywhere! Stools in the kitchen, chairs by your vanity, shower chairs, literally??? There’s no law that says you have to stand up??? Sit on the goddamn floor if you’ve been standing in line for too long? I do it all the time? Live your best life!

Pre-chopped/cooked/peeled/whatevered food!! Whatever makes food edible for you, fckn do that! No need for extra steps! I throw a handful of craisins in my jar of peanut butter and then eat them out of the jar with a plastic spoon! There’s a food truck out there where they get worried if I don’t show up every day! I eat beans straight out of the jar if I’m not up to cooking! (I like cooking and I love my slow cooker but??? If you’re not up to it? Who gives a shit??? Get you some minute rice and some beans and microwave that shit!)

Disposable! Dishes! Fuck! Throw them away! Dishes are the WORST?? Buy some plastic bowls and some utensils and just!!! Yeet em!!! (Meal prep containers are great if u can bc you can keep reusing them if u want but u don’t have to? You can put them in the fridge if you don’t finish, take it to lunch the next day, rinse, repeat!)

Changing clothes totally depends on your work wardrobe? But fckn sleep in the next days clothes if you have to/can? Or sleep in some of it and leave the rest laid out next to you? Sometimes getting all the way dressed and undressed is too goddamn much?? Fuck knows I can’t!

Cleaning!! Clorox wipes are the love of my life and I would kill for them! Leave a box of those fucks everywhere! Esp the back of the toilet, where you bathe, and near where you meal prep, cuz that’s where you’re gonna have Waiting Time! Which means your bored little gremlin hands could clean!

Put things close to the floor if u gotta! I used to keep all my appliances (my slow cooker, my microwave, tea kettle, etc) on the floor bc I was too tired to stand up very often? So I propped myself up on walls and did my veggie chopping on the floor

If u gotta crawl, crawl. Butt scooch? Do that. Lean on walls, hang onto counters, do whatever. I’m usually dragging myself around the apartment like a shitty legless zombie extra and my cats love it. Maybe put extra pillows around for yourself if you’re a spontaneous napper

If keeping food fresh/using food before it goes bad is hard, buy frozen or canned or eat out. I sure as hell have no idea when the things in my fridge got there, and I’m lucky I’ve only gotten food poisoning like once that way lol, so just?? Yeah

Medicine bottles can come with easy open caps! You have to promise there aren’t kids in the house, but if u ever have grip strength issues or even if it’s a reason you sometimes don’t take your meds (CVS bottles, I’m looking at you), just ask your pharmacist to switch them out. They’ll do it so fast!

Charge cords everywhere! None of that ‘idk where I put my cord 😭’ shit cuz I have like? So many? All of them cheap? But they do the job

Please add more if you have them? These are ones I can think of from bed because someone reminded me that I Do Things Like This Now and it might be useful to someone

[baileypie-writes]

~Human!Panchito Pistoles and Human!José Carioca with an S/O Who has Depression~

Artist: chacckco on DeviantArt

(please correct me if I’m wrong!)

~~~❤️~~~🖤~~~💚~~~

Fandom: The Three Caballeros

Fanfic Type: Headcanons

Reader: Gender neutral, has depression

Relationship: Romantic

Characters Included: Human!Panchito Pistoles, Human!José Carioca(seperatly)

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Rating: PG

Warnings: Depression(Reader), mentions of Reader not taking care of themselves, probably unrealistic dialogue

Requested By: Anonymous

~Masterlist~

~The Three Caballeros Masterlist~

As someone with depression, I understand that it can be really hard. So to others like me, you’re not alone! If it’s getting really bad for you, and you’re having not-so-good thoughts, please reach out to someone close to you!

~~~❤️~~~🖤~~~💚~~~

~Panchito Pistoles~

~~~🐎~~~🐎~~~🐎~~~

~ Panchito has never personally struggled with depression. He’s just such a happy guy, so he finds it hard to relate to your feelings. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand them!

~ He obviously knows what depression is, and how it affects people. So he does his very best to help you. He just finds it unfair that he gets to be happy, but you don’t.

~ Sunshine is good for you, so Panchito makes sure you get plenty of it! He goes on walks with you, or just sits outside. If you wanna be stubborn, too bad. Because he is too. And he will get you to see the sun, whether you like it or not.

“C’mon (name), let’s go outside! It’s a beautiful day!”

“Mmm. I don’t want to…”

“Sorry Corazón, but I’m not taking no for an answer! Some vitamin D will be good for you!”

(Translation: heart/sweetheart)

“Ugh… fine.”

~ He’s always there to comfort you. He knows that depression is hard, so if you need a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, he’s there. He’ll give you all the affection you want! You deserve it!

“I just don’t know what to do. I want to be able to do normal things, but my depression stops me. Sometimes, I can’t even get up in the morning. It sucks.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry (name). I know it sucks. Ven aquí. It’s gonna be okay.”

(Translation: Come here)

~ If you can’t find happiness on your own, he’ll help you! He’ll take you somewhere fun; a park, a movie, the mall or anywhere you want! He’ll do anything to help you forget about being depressed, even for just a little while!

~ If you have trouble taking care of yourself, Panchito helps you! He’ll make sure you eat and drink water. He’ll even cook for you! He’ll also help motivate you to shower and brush your teeth. Afterwards, he always praises you. He hopes that’ll motivate you more.

“Here (name), I made pancakes for breakfast!”

“I don’t wanna eat.”

“Aw c’mon. You’ll feel better if you do. Here, I’ll feed you!”

“No, no. It’s okay. I’ll feed myself!”

~~~🐎~~~🐎~~~🐎~~~

~José Carioca~

~~~🚬~~~🚬~~~🚬~~~

~ José definitely understands depression more than Panchito. He’s been depressed a few times in his life. Though, of course, that’s nothing compared to what you go through. But even so, he still gets it.

~ His top priority is to make sure you don’t just stay inside and rot all day. He knows that’s what a lot of depressed people do, and he understands why. But still, it’s not healthy. So he makes sure you get out of bed and go outside, even if it’s just in the backyard.

“Okay (name), it’s 9:30. It’s time to get out of bed.”

“Ugh. Okay…”

“That’s the spirit! Come on, let’s get some breakfast. And let’s eat outside, yeah?”

~ He makes a little routine for you. It’s just a list of things to do throughout the day, just to make you get up and about. Again, he doesn’t want you to just rot in bed all day.

~ José always makes sure you’re taking care of yourself. Every day, he asks if you’ve eaten, drank water, showered, etc. . If you haven’t, he doesn’t shame you at all. He just reminds you to get them done. If you don’t have the motivation to, he’ll offer to help you.

“How many cups of water have you had today?”

“Dunno. Maybe two?”

“(name), dear, it’s nearly 6:00. You need to drink more.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll go drink some now.”

~ José is good at reading people. So he knows when your depression is particularly bad. Even if you try to hide it, he knows. He can be gullible, but not in this case. You can’t fool him!

~ He knows that people like you can feel like a burden to others. So he always lets you know that you’re not. He also tells you that you can always come to him for help. He loves you, and will always be there for you.

“I’m sorry that you have to deal with me all the time.”

“Please don’t say that, (name). I’m not ‘dealing with you’, I’m helping you. And I’m doing it because I want to. I don’t want you to think like that, okay?”

“Okay… but are you sure?”

“Yes (name), I’m sure.”

~~~🚬~~~🚬~~~🚬~~~

~~baileypie-writes

[cryingabtab]

Save Me A Spark (Part 9)

Warnings: Fluff

Word Count: 1.2k

Over the next week, Cassie and Austin had found the time to hang out fairly often. It wasn’t the easiest feat with Austin’s filming schedule and Cassie’s rehearsals; but they made it work. In fact, a couple days after Austin brought Cassie to set, Cassie had taken it upon herself to schedule a date at the end of the week for them at her apartment. She didn’t tell Austin many details; just that he needed to dress nice, bring an overnight bag just in case, and nothing else. She was very specific about that. 

He stood in front of his bathroom sink as he finished brushing his teeth. He rinsed his mouth and wiped his face before looking at himself in the mirror. He smoothed out his black silk shirt and undid one more button at the top. He wiggled his eyebrows at himself and then made sure every hair on his head was in place, even though he knew that it would probably get messed up later. He straightened up and gave his reflection a quick once over before clicking his tongue and shooting finger guns at the mirror. 

He grabbed his overnight bag and slung it over his shoulder before quickly walking to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of red zinfandel that he’d picked up earlier that day. Cassie had told him it was her favorite earlier that week. Even though she had told him not to bring anything but himself and an overnight bag, he couldn’t possibly show up empty handed. Especially not with the news he had to break to her.

With his overnight bag and wine in hand, he stepped up to Cassie’s door. He brought his free hand to his mouth and did a quick breath check before nodding to himself and knocking at the door. As he waited for her to answer he heard soft music start to play from behind the door, as well as the clacking of her heels against the laminate floor. When the door finally opened, Austin’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head. Cassie’s silky black hair was curled to perfection, she wore a stunning off the shoulder black dress that hit just above her knees and laid on her body like it was made for her, and her legs looked so beautifully long with the black heels she was wearing. 

“Hey handsome.” Cassie hummed, moving to the side to allow him to walk inside. 

“Hey gorgeous,” he said, slightly breathless. He held up the bottle of wine he brought. “I got this for you.”

She rolled her eyes playfully, “I told you not to bring anything but an overnight bag.”

“I know, I know,” Austin chuckled. “I couldn’t just show up empty handed.”

Cassie couldn’t help but giggle a little bit as she pressed a kiss to Austin’s cheek and took the bottle from him to examine it, “Oh my god. This is my favorite. You remembered?”

“Of course I did,” Austin said softly.

“Thank you so much, Aus.” She grinned, “Go put your bag in my room and we can eat.” Then she turned around to set the bottle in the kitchen. 

When Austin returned from putting his bag away, he finally noticed how the room looked. It was dim aside from the warm glow of flickering candles and delicate fairy lights. A small circular table sat by the balcony window, plates and silverware set, two long white candles in the center along with a small vase that held a single red rose in it. A bluetooth speaker was playing slow love songs.  A dopey smile spread across Austin’s face. The amount of effort that Cassie had clearly put into this warmed his heart and made him feel giddy. 

“Wow Cass,” he started as she walked in from the kitchen. “You really went all out.”

“Of course I did.” She shrugged nonchalantly, “Just wait until you try my food.” 

As they ate, they chatted. 

“So you really made everything here from scratch?” Austin questioned.

“Yeah,” Cassie said as she twirled some pasta on her fork.

“Even the pasta and bread?”

“Yup. I learned how to do it during the lockdown.” She said it like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

Austin chuckled in disbelief, “I think we should cook together sometime. I like to pride myself on being a good cook, but it seems as though I could learn a bit from you.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun.” Cassie offered a small smile. “I have some good news.”

Austin raised an eyebrow, “Do tell.”

Cassie set down her fork swirled with pasta. “So about a month ago we sent out demos to a couple of record labels.”

Austin nodded to acknowledge her as she spoke.

“We got an email back from one of them. They want to set up a zoom meeting.” Cassie beamed, “Of course, I’m trying to not get my hopes up but I’m really excited.”

Austin broke out into a huge grin. “Babe oh my god! That’s amazing!”

Austin approached Cassie as she did the dishes. “You want some help with that?” 

Cassie let out a quiet giggle, “Yeah. You can dry.” She tossed him a dry kitchen towel.

Austin caught the towel and stood next to her, drying the clean dishes as she handed them to him. His nerves began to kick in. He needed to tell her something important. It seemed she felt his nervous energy. 

“You okay?” She questioned, setting a plate back down in the sink as she turned to look at him. 

Austin looked up at her with a hesitant sigh, “I have some news of my own.”

Cassie turned to face him fully, leaning against the counter and crossing her arms. “Do tell,” she spoke.

Austin pressed his lips together and let out a long sigh through his nose, “In a couple weeks, the day after your next gig actually, I have to fly out to LA to do some awards promo. I’ll be gone for a week.” 

“Well that’s okay,” Cassie said softly, “I’ll miss you, but I’ll be here when you get back.” 

“I just feel bad. We’ve been having such a good time together. I wish I could just do the promo here.” Austin mumbled.

“It’s your job, honey. Don’t feel bad” Cassie placed a hand on his bicep, “You’re still coming to my show though, right? It’s gonna be killer.”

Austin laughed softly as he nodded, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” That was when he noticed the song on the bluetooth speaker changing. He recognized it as All I Need to Hear by The 1975. He held out a hand to Cassie, “Dance with me?”

Cassie playfully rolled her eyes, taking his hand and allowing him to take the lead. Austin pulled her close and they began to sway to the music. His forehead was pressed to hers as he hummed softly to the melody. 

“Thank you, Cassie,” He whispered. 

“For what?” she whispered back, looking into his eyes and fighting a smile. 

“This,” he murmured. “This is probably the best date I’ve ever been on. I think I’m falling for you.”

Cassie finally let the smile win as her face burned red, “Aus?” 

He hummed in response. 

“Kiss me.” 

Austin smiled as he slowly and softly pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was different from the others they’d previously shared. This one was soft, tender, and most of all, filled with love. When they pulled away, Cassie shyly spoke up once more. 

“I think I’m falling for you too.”

[guvato]

Tamalog Day 16

Our Monday started at 7AM with fairly simple things to do as per usual, everyone was doing good and happy, so i just got to calling the Sitters when possible, and also woke up Kuchipatchi for from his beauty sleep to get him to House-Sit and then i went to bed since i was pretty tired.

At 1PM i woke up and after brushing my teeth i grabbed my Tamas and went to my "office" with them to eat a meal and wait to go to work. After picking everyone up from the Sitter, i made sure to check on them once again just to be certain that they didn't need anything, and they didn't, so i could take some time for myself until duty called, and soon it did. Ginjirotchi just had alerted me that he has pooped, but when i went to clean it up the doorbell rang, and Valettchi entered the house and i just had to sit there, embarrassed as they circled around the living room and danced while the poop was still there. After that horrifying situation, i cleaned the poop up and fed Ginjirotchi some Hamburguer at the Restaurant, and after going back home we cooked our meal of the day whitch was a Blancmange, two new foods to the Recipe Book, oh yeah! Picochutchi told them to bring out the Lobster Sub, and Kuchipatchi just had some Soup and some Curry.

Afternoon was pretty chill, Picochutchi and i did some Tama Searching since i went to work today, and we made some good progress towards our Tama Friends stickers, we just didn't find anyone new yet. Ginjirotchi also went exploring today and met Kyawatchi, but sadly i wasn't able to take a picture of them together due to being kinda busy at the moment, but hey, add a new Tama to the Tama List. Kuchipatchi and i went to Tama Work and danced quite a bit since i needed some cash to buy him more food, and luckily today we had sales all over, so we grabbed a whole lot of food to last until...tomorrow. Ginjirotchi was also eating a lot today, since after having a Dessert Platter he had yet another embarrassing moment today which was not having enough money to buy some food, which we dealt with really quickly, going to the arcade and picking some fruits to gain some Gotchi Points that went straight to more food.

Evening came fast today, seems like every day just goes by in 10 minutes nowdays. When i came home i found Picochutchi really bored and laying on the floor, so i did the best thing to do when you want to cheer up your Tama, i went to the TamaVerse with her and we checked out some new clothes (nothing new or interesting to us today), and when we came back, i gave her some snacks, and that was enough for her to get back to happy mode. Ginjirotchi asked me to play at home also, so we played some matching game and got all but one match right, which means we are now the best buddies in all of Tama Town, after that i fed him the delicious Chicago Style Pizza, which he didn't love, but he liked it. Kuchipatchi didn't need much as i fed him pretty good and he was happy, so i just let him be. But them a little later my Smart needed charge, so i put it on charge and when it charged Kuchipatchi was CRYING calling for me, hungry as a horse and i was like "what? didn't i feed you already big guy??" but i couldn't let it stop me from giving him more food, cuz you know, he was really hungry, poor thing.

I barely had any time to react when Kuchipatchi was asking for help to fall asleep, and i was really gotten by surprise with how much time had gone by since i got home. I am really losing track of time lately. After helping him, i checked on Ginjirotchi and Picochutchi, and they were doing great, Picochutchi was just getting ready for bed and Ginjirotchi was...doing what he does best, which is running around the living room and being cute. So i let wished them good night and let them just do whatever before they slept. And them our Tama Day was over. Our friends had gone to sleep and i was left to attend to my own business the rest of the night, which kinda makes me sad not having to check on them, usually feels like something is missing. Anyway, thank you for reading this Tamalog and i will see you tomorrow. <3

[lastoneout]

just me venting about being disabled and having migraines dwbi

I honestly think the worst part about this whole migraine thing is like, how much shit I genuinely just cannot do anymore. I mean I thought not being able to have gluten was alienating, but this? It's a whole other level.

And like thankfully I do think we're going to be able to solve the problem, I have an appointment with a neurosurgeon and physical therapist, it's just taking a while, but in that time I have had to give up just about everything that I had left that I could do. Going outside gives me a migraine because it's hot and sunny so if I have an errand or appointment that is legit the only thing I can do that day. I can't cook anything more complex than like scrambled eggs and even then some days the pain is bad enough that I can't even cut up an apple to eat. I can sit at my desk for like maybe 6 hours before I have to stop, and I'm usually still in pain the entire time, I just ignore it bcs if I legit spent every day in bed I'd lose my mind. And even when I'm in bed I have to be super careful about using my phone or tablet or switch bcs angling my head down instantly makes everything worse. I can at least shower and brush my teeth but like, barely.

Streaming is like the one thing I save my energy for because it makes me happy and pulls in a little money, and even then I keep having to cancel to take care of myself and rest. I want to do collabs and stuff with my friends so bad but I can't because I never know until the day of if I'm actually going to be capable of streaming or not. I've had to cancel streams an hour in because I thought I'd be fine but then the pain hits. I haven't been able to hang out in my friend's streams or be a mod in the ones I'm a mod in because I just can't. I haven't even been talking to anyone bcs I'm so fucking tired that I can barely muster the energy to be social.

I can't do chores because ALL of them involve Looking Down and I can't do that, and my fiance works full time so the house is messy. And he does help take care of me as much as he can but again, he has work and so I do have to take care of myself as much as I can, and there's no one else I know in town who can help take care of me(plus I'm still trying to socially distance bcs I do NOT need covid on top of this and barely anyone I know IRL masks).

And like I don't have any pain meds that help. I have a migraine rescue medication but I can only take it four times in thirty days and I have already taken it like seven times out of desperation, and it only gives me a day of relief, that's it. Ibuprofen helps, but only a little and only if I take like 600mgs and I can't do that every day or I'll get sick and the migraine pain already makes me so nauseous I can't eat sometimes so like, I don't want an ulcer on top of that. And there's no point in going to the ER because even the hardest migraine cocktail (toradol, steroids, benadryl, zofran, and morphine) at most gives me 2 days of peace before the pain is back. Even a steroid taper pack, which usually will break me out of any migraine cycle only took care of it for a week and I am SUPER sensitive to steroids, they make me feel like complete shit, so it's just not worth it to take one.

I could ask to see my neurologist but she sucks and just told me to take ibuprofen the last time I brought this up, and legit suggested I simply see a different doctor about the condition causing the migraines so really what's the point. She won't help me.

I could go to the ER and like beg to see a neurologist if there's one on staff who is willing to talk to me, but that's not really How The ER Works and they've already done CT scans of my neck to see if anything is being pinched and nothing is, and if they give me meds it will only help for a few days at most. Plus I kinda hate it there so like, I don't really want to go anyway. And urgent care straight up will not be able to help me.

And I don't even want to try to explain all that to any of my friends because it's such a major bummer and they can't do anything to help, but I also don't know how many times I can say "sorry I have a migraine that isn't going away and I just can't do most things" because like, it's the truth but like it doesn't feel like a good enough excuse? Idk.

I miss doing things. I'm in so much fucking pain all the time. My fiance's birthday is this month and idk if we're even going to be able to DO anything because of how fucked up I am and that makes me feel horrible.

I just want all of this to stop. But it isn't going to, at least not yet. So I just have to make peace with not being able to do anything for the next like three weeks.

I'm so tired.

[the-fiction-witch]

Prisoner P2

Media IRL X Scifi

Character Thomas Brodie Sangster

Couple Tbs X Reader

Rating joyful

Concept Lab Rats

I accepted, because of course I did. Living out the rest of my sentence in a place like this seemed like utter paradise, and so far it had been.

They gave me  a new port on my neck and every morning a nurse would come and put a small purple vile into my port wait till it emptied and then they'd go typically without a word. the vile was always turned in such a way I was unable to see the words written on the side of the vile, and they always took it with them only removing it from their pocket or hand Immediately putting it into my port twisting twice, waiting and then pulling it out adding it back to their pocket again.

I didn't argue, It didn't make me feel strange or anything not even sleepy or anything. 

Then I'd be left alone in my room to watch tv, make food, do any number of hobbies, sleep, shower, do whatever I wanted, and every day on the dot at two seventeen a analyst arrived. 

He would come and sit with me for an hour or so talking about things, most of which didn't seem to matter all that much but I answered honestly. 

Thing had been fine for months now, I had gotten into a good routine and never had issues...

Well except- Some nights I'd be tossing and turning in my bed. I'm awake, but not. Paralyzed but not. Aware of my body and yet somewhat aware I'm away from it. My body would ache, burn and go though the most horrific pain I could imagine but I'd always wake up the next morning with no scars,  no soreness. I just assumed nightmares. 

And given the life I had lived... I could be forgiven if it haunted me. 

As soon as I told the Analysis about it they began to fade away so I didn't much question it. Maybe this stuff had side effects or something. 

I got up and began my day I went on a run on the treadmill, then had a hot shower and brushed my teeth. I got dressed and made myself fresh toast for breakfast from the pantry that refilled from the other side, I ate my breakfast while watching some old cartoons when the door opened to a nurse I finished my food and went sitting on my bed, he didn't speak he merely put the vile to my port and watched it drain removing it quickly "Oww" I said  a little aggravated given he pulled it so fast and so hard he didn't respond simply noting on his forms something ands then scampering out of my room, I did a few things around the room making my bed, doing some knitting, watching tv having nothing more then a banana for lunch and soon enough the analysis arrived right on time and we sat at the table,

"Any more of those strange sleep paralysis and night terrors?" 

"No, not the nightmares. Paralysis yes. But that's normal"

"Right oh." he nods noting things down "Breakfast?"

"French toast"

"Lunch"

"Banana.

"That all?"

"It was a lot of French toast this morning"

"Plans for dinner,"

"I don't know. I might make jacket potato not sure yet." 

"What did you do today?"

"The usual"

"any flashes?"

"No"

"Did you knit today?"

"I did."

"What did you make?"

"...nothing,"

"What did you make?"

"Not sure might be a hat. or a scarf, only just started don't really have any plans"

"Right oh. Question"

"sure"

"When you cook, you over cook. then make yourself skip other meals because your not hungry. Why? why not cook less."

"I don't know. haven't cooked in so long guess my portion measurements are a bit off, And whenever I did use to cook I wasn't alone"

"Right Oh." he nods "That'll be all for today" he says closing his file and heading to the door 

I nodded but I got up as he stopped short of my door 

"Ohh, One more thing." he says "Dr Lumis says you've been here a year now. Congratulations" 

"Thanks. It doesn't feel like a year"

"It'll fly by" he says "But Dr Lumis and I have been thrilled by your progress. and we wanted to give you a little gift"

"No no its fine I'm more then happy to help. this place is far more then I deserve" 

"If you will accept, it is a part of our work too."

"Of course, what is it?"

"A roommate." he says tapping on the door to my room 

I didn't know what to expect but I guess it makes sense I'm a lab rat they are running experiments on me I'm sure even if I'm not always aware of them, and surely they don't give every lab rat a room like this, I suppose sharing won't be too bad. I didn't want to look as I heard the door open and close, don't know why but I worried about getting my hopes up. 

But I would never in all time have expected this, "Sugarcube?" 

That voice. That name. 

I looked to the door tears already welling up so much it became hard to see until I wiped my eyes, my knees week, resting my hand in front of my mouth to prevent my screams as I saw him there. 

his thin body wrapped up in some old jeans and a button down, everything about him much the same as I last remembered his eyes full of tears to see me too I bolted across the room into his arms and he held me tighter then I'd ever been held before, it hurt but I didn't care at all. he felt the same. He smelt the same. even the sound of his breathing was the same. I cried into his shirt and he too cried into me both of us unable to form anything more the the sounds of joyful tears, when my legs gave out he went with me cardling me as I knelt on the floor with my arms around him and he pulled back just enough to see my face 

"Please god tell me your real? Please tell me its really you" he cried desperation in his voice 

"it's me! It's me I promise. I've missed you so much"

"I don't think missed even comes close. I've been lost without you" 

"I never though I'd see you again" 

"me either."

"I take it then no complains about your new accommodation?" The analysis asked us both 

"No! no complains" Thomas told him 

"Happy with your new roommate?"

"Thrilled" I giggled still holding back tears, The analysis left the room leaving us alone. "I can barely believe your real"

"me either, I can't believe they let us near each other let alone be together."

"Clearly they must think pretty highly of whatever that purple stuff is they've been shoving in us"

"...purple? huu mines green"

"Whatever, come on I'll make you a tea"

"Awww okay sugarcube," 

[frogofalltime]

day 9

as you probably know i stayed up until 5am last night because of the Hospital Situation (don't worry @etherealspacejelly is at home and doing alright now !!) so i didn't set an alarm for the morning as i knew i needed to sleep

i woke up at 11am, took my meds with some water, and then went back to sleep for another two hours

then i woke up again and just lay in bed on my phone for two hours. and when i finally got up, i just sat / lay down in various places in my room and did nothing at all until 6:30pm when i eventually gathered enough spoons to cook. i was going to study because i have an exam next week, but i really couldn't make myself do it, and i knew i needed to eat before i did anything else, but it took me so many hours to be able to do that.

i felt nauseous and sick, probably because i didn't eat all day. when i am unwell mentally, i find it impossible to eat, and also being hungry makes me have an even worse time because i don't have any energy, so it is a negative feedback loop

finally i heard my flatmate leave the kitchen so i went to cook some food. i don't like going to the kitchen when other people are in there. i live with three girls, none of whom i am out to. one of them is barely ever here but the other two are often in the kitchen. the muslim one talks to me every time she sees me even when i am overwhelmed and can't talk, and she's assuming i'm a girl so she says things like "i am glad we have an all girls flat so i don't have to wear hijab in the kitchen" that make me feel really uncomfortable and guilty. and the other one is always talking on the phone loudly and cooking strong-smelling food. so it is very overstimulating to be around them, hence why i usually avoid going to the kitchen until it is empty.

also i haven't been feeling as hungry as usual in general. the first few days on my meds i was hungrier than normal but now i just don't feel like eating at all.

i made vegetable curry and rice, enough to last me 4 days. it wasn't spicy at all, because i used a different spice mix instead of the one i brought from home, and i guess it is catered towards people who can't handle chilli. it still tastes nice though

i ate while watching an episode of the percy jackson series (the one with the lotus casino) and it was interesting to me how they changed the plot from the book. it made me feel a little better because percy jackson has been an obsession of mine for more than half my life.

then i curled up on my bed and scrolled on my phone for many hours. suddenly it was 11pm so i washed my dishes, put the three extra portions of curry and rice into bowls and put them in the fridge, and got ready for bed. that didn't take long because i did not change my clothes from my pyjamas today so i just had to wash my face and brush my teeth.

i have had a really bad headache all day and my eyes hurt a lot but it's probably from crying so hard last night and looking at my phone screen too much and not eating or drinking enough today

the pain in my left side isn't as bad as yesterday because i did not move much all day. it doesn't hurt constantly anymore, it just hurts when i move or cough (i am still coughing a lot from the cold i caught 5 weeks ago, its really annoying)

i also feel kind of feverish, maybe it's from lack of sleep, maybe it's from eating only one meal today, or dehydration, maybe it's a side effect from the meds, who knows.

overall a really bad day. the eating disorder that i have struggled with for 10 years has been flaring up recently and i'm feeling more depressed even though i'm still on antidepressants. tomorrow i will try to get up earlier and change my clothes and go outside and study and maybe i will be okay. even if it hurts my ribs to walk i would rather that than another day trapped in my room with my brain.

i hope it gets easier.

[howboutsometoast]

Here are some not-so-pretty depression life hacks I use that help me feel less shitty about myself that I don’t see people talking about:

When I’m feeling too sick to shower but know I’ll beat myself up about dirty hair, I use dry shampoo. Let it sit for a minute after spraying it in layers and then brush it out/massage it with clean hands

Sometimes getting the motivation to get or make food is just not an option, so I get a handful of pre-cooked food items and throw them in the microwave or oven (oven is great because then you can use tin foil and not have dishes). My go to right now is kabobs

For really rough days, I’ll keep some disposable toothbrushes next to my bed so I can’t give myself an excuse to not brush my teeth

Smelling nice is good for my mental health I’ve found, so I get body mist and just spray that all over. It’s not too strong, like perfume, so go wild. You can even spray it on your bed if you want, it’s meant for skin, unlike typical air fresheners so it’s less likely to irritate your skin if you’re sensitive

Admittedly I don’t change sheets as often as I should, I have very little energy to spare for that. I do however, try to change my pillow cases regularly. Even if my sheets aren’t the freshest, I at least aim to have clean pillow cases

Doing laundry is tough sometimes, taking a little extra time to hang up your pants or neatly drape them over a chair will let them air out so you don’t have to wash them as frequently

To keep my depression nest under control, I have my dirty clothes in one corner of the room, and the clean but unfolded clothes in another spot. Fold one thing at a time; whenever you pass your clean clothes pile, pick up one thing, fold it and put it away, then go about your business

Wash your clothes in little batches. You have reds? Pick all your reds up and toss them in the wash. Want clean shirts? Just wash your shirts. Underwear? Tiny load, it’ll take like 15 minutes on hot

If you have ADHD and depression (I hear this is helpful for some autistic people too) set reminders on your phone with the persistent alert setting turned on. You won’t be able to ignore your tasks as easily

Even with depression, you still have social needs. Reach out to/make some online friends and see if they want to play games with you, or chat and send memes. Discord is great for this

When you go to the grocery store, find a fruit/snack you have never tried before. Monotony is not your friend. Change things up if you can

And last but not least:

Get dressed every day. You don’t have to wear going out clothes, just put on something clean. It could be another pair of pajamas. Just try not to stay in the same outfit for more than one day at a time. I’ve found that just changing into something clean, even if I didn’t shower before changing, makes me feel less icky

If anyone else has things to add, feel free! Just know you’re not alone and that recovery is possible.

[mypunkpansexualtwin]

This is a big one, going under a cut for several paragraphs of introspection and some brief mention of my last suicide attempt.

Hell of a thing, realizing this time last year was about the start of my Nuclear RSD Spiral that ultimately led to me trying to go play chicken with a freight train back in February with half a bottle of rum and a handful of sleep meds in my stomach to make sure I didn't flinch. Obviously I didn't, but I did get far enough that I had to drag my drunk ass off the train tracks and go stumbling back home to have the rest of my meltdown in peace and un-queue the suicide note I'd had prepped since last November. Fun stuff, crazy to think about.

Especially considering how I'm doing now that I've had the necessary wake up call from that whole situation and have finally started internalizing "hey, letting people see you hurting and hoping they'll decide you've suffered enough to deserve help is not the same as communicating your needs. Talk to people before it gets to your usual Talk About It After You Tried To Off Yourself About It. If it gets to this point again, next time won't be an attempt." (Fun stuff, lots to thank my grandparents for.)

And now I've got the right medication combo to help me keep an even keel. Wellbutrin/Vyvanse? Bad. Lamotrigine/Vyvanse? I might actually be a human being for the first time in my life. I've been getting a shower every night and brushing my teeth twice a day without fail since I started. And trust me when I say that's fuckin astronomical progress for me. Even when I found out it wasn't the case, part of me was still certain it was fake that people could just get up and do things without mentally screaming at themselves for anywhere between 2 hours to 4 months first. Shit, I can do it now and it still feels fake.

Anyways. The ability to Task was an expected improvement, as was the ability to regulate my momentum on said task better than without meds (ie, at fucking all). Although I figured it'd be a ways off to get this much improvement. I can put things down without freaking out (mostly) and I can pick them back up again after an interruption.

Another unexpected bonus too, I hadn't even thought to anticipate any change in another big factor at all. Like, not only did I not realize it was on the table, I hadn't realized that this particular table even existed. I figured this other issue couldn't improve with anything but another two years of therapy.

I've got a lot more control over regulating my emotions and the kind of obsessive, destructive thought spirals (usually RSD or my usual Leech And Burden thoughts or my brain cooking up scenarios to get upset about because they felt too real, or a fun combination of the three) that'd lead to me writing off entire days or weeks until I burnt myself out. Used to be these were so intense it'd just kind of gut me and I couldn't do anything but ride it out. Intense enough that I've had a couple mental health professionals tell me "yeah, no, it's not enough for formal diagnosis, but there's definitely strong evidence for OCD where the autism and ADHD overlap," one of whom went "right, that makes sense with what you've described about the last month, and speaking of the last month, i think we should consider going back to once a week since every three weeks hasn't been helping you." It used to be that the only way I could get these under control would be by heading them off before they got started or getting borderline blackout drunk in the middle of the spiral and distracting myself until I couldn't stay awake to think anymore. Both required sufficient distraction because every attempt at actually trying to take it apart and process just perpetuated it. Healthy, right?

But now, not only do the little things that used to sap my energy for the whole day now just breeze by like nothing (again, hygiene stuff), I can stop the spiral. They're not nearly as loud and sharp as they used to be and I can just... put them down. I've got the energy to do more and the control to just pick something else up until I'm ready. The bad ones still take a few tries, but that's huge after 25 years of "welp this is just the week we're having." And even bigger than that, it's already easier to pick it apart to find what needs fixing instead of just metaphorically cutting myself up while making a bigger mess.

It's also easier to not need my anger as a wall to keep between me and the people who have hurt me. For the first time since my granddad died, I can look at him and my grandmother as people through a sympathetic lense and still be able to say that the bridge there is burned and I won't be going back. I used to need to think of them as awful, irredeemable people just to keep from crawling back for their approval.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed about everything that's hurt me deeply enough for my therapist to go poking at in the wake of a PTSD screener saying "yeah we're not even close to done, try again next year." But it's not the only thing that's there, and maybe someday I might even be able to scrape out my own closure instead of starving myself waiting for apologies that'll never come. Cleaning out the bullshit associated with the hurt didn't kick off the meltdown it would have even a month ago. The little scar from an arm-clawing meltdown last November is just a bitter little emotional bruise that I can push right back to the back of my mind until the dirt-spot mark finally fades out completely.

It's easier to not hate over it now. I've got more energy now and can finally use it for better things. Why waste it turning people into demons when I know damn well even if I wasn't the only one who fucked up and hurt people, I still did exactly that. And yeah, there's stuff I'm gonna stay bitter over, on both sides of things, and probably still mildly bitch about when the irritation of it decides to pop back in for a visit. That feels like a fair tradeoff for something that did still very much almost kill me, but it's not gonna stop me anymore. And it's not even a matter of "the best revenge is letting go and living well" because in the half dozen cases that stick the hardest, that wouldn't even be revenge. Fucked up as things ended, it's not like I was hated. Hell, maybe I'm lying to myself when I go this far, but I'd like to think that most of those people would be happy to see me doing better, even if they'd promptly turn right the fuck around and pretend they didn't see me at all.

Or maybe things did fester to a point where there's just as much animosity as I had for them and they'd rather see me lose a game of chicken a few more times before they can let go. God knows I was bitter enough for a good while to think pretty goddamn frequently that I hoped they were in just as much pain as I was. So yeah, that's also fair. Maybe they don't care either way, and as much as that idea stings the most, it's still entirely fair.

Regardless, I've got better things to do. I've got some self love and self respect to cultivate after realizing I was never given any kind of foundation besides "If You're Not Giving Everything, You're Not Worth Anything." Joked about it for years, but only in the last month did it actually Click. Admittedly I'm still falling into some of the same thinking, although instead of "I don't deserve the love people give me unless I'm Being Useful, I'm a manipulative liar if I get it without earning it," it's more like "I can finally Do Things, so I can finally deserve my own love." It's a brittle crutch, but that just means I know not to give it too much weight while I get my feet under me and start building the foundation I actually deserve. Because people deserve love and I'm a people too, goddammit.

Anyways, this was a big long rant partly for myself and partly for the six of you who've paid attention and might wanna know how I've been doing. I'm still standing, let's see where it takes me. For now, I'm gonna go be gay with my girlfriend of 6 months as of last week.

[nathank77]

11/12/24

1:45 p.m Added to a little.

I haven't had any spasms since last night. Maybe the Xanax helped? Idk. I slept well, wonderfully actually on the original dosage. I was willing to give myself more Hydroxyzine but I didn't need it. I am going to ask for more Hydroxyzine at my next appointment but idk how to phrase it, for sleep? For anxiety? Idk. I just don't want my xanax to be taken away. And I mean it actually increases my sleep duration. While xanax helps me actually FALL ASLEEP. I couldn't fall asleep before xanax but then I wouldn't sleep for long..3-5 hours. Now with Hydroxyzine I get 7-9 hours a night if it's a good night and i fall asleep fast..

Anyways i cooked eggs, I washed my dishes, I cleaned my ac filter, I cleaned my dresser with pledge. My mom was a cunt the entire time. Lady I've got to eat... you know that right? And Riley is gross. I got to clean the stove first. Then let it dry and then start cooking and sometimes I have more to do than just cook..

My head touched a container in the fridge while I was doing something and I had to use an alcohol prep pad on it bc isopropyl alcohol neutralizes urishol. I couldn't cope with the anxiety. My forehead burns a little but it's whatever. At least if there was poison ivy on it it's been neutralized.

I still don't know what to do about my chlorestoral..... I'm clueless and I have no one to ask for advice...

I guess I'm just going to watch TV. I thought about doing laundry but it wouldn't have been a lot.... I'm either doing it Sunday or Tuesday... I try to shower every other day basically gym days. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I feel gross if I don't shower every other day so I mean Sunday just bc of that even though I don't go to the gym.

I want to go to the gym tomorrow i guess I'll gauge how I'm feeling. I'm thinking i should fully stop cardio. At least for now bc of my duck footedness bc my legs were super spasmy yesterday night. I don't really want to stop... but maybe they need to fully recover. Or maybe I just can't anymore. Idk. I got to talk to my Dr about it... cause 35 minutes and 3.1 miles is a relatively slow pace. I may want to try the statin soon before doing repatha... but I mean... I got to get to a point where I'm not having muscle spasms after the gym... so maybe a couple weeks from now idk.

My mother wants me to turn off the light in the kitchen when I'm done and going to bed. I haven't been bc there is a whole ocd thing attached to it. Making sure the kitchen sink is off, the fridge and freezer are closed, the stove is off and to turn off the light well what if I bump into something and it turns on. I'm coping with ocd just to exist in the house. I was before Riley but even more now... bc I still think poison ivy is everywhere...

Now she's threatening to leave the barricade opened if I don't turn off the light in the kitchen before bed. Like bitch you have made me extra ocd. I live behind a barricade bc you care more about the dog than me. And it's just a light and it's not my fault the bathroom sink is clogged... I wouldn't even need to go out there if I could brush my teeth and wash my hands in the bathroom. Also the barricade adds a little to my ocd in a way besides for the obv, if I check everything and hit the light, then I have to close my barricade.. it's just overcomplicated and it unfair that I have to live like this.

I truly do want to die. Don't get me wrong I'm glad that sleep has been going well. Over the moon. But I'll always worry about it. I'm just depressed that I don't matter. I thought about lying about my thyriod a little. Everything I've stated is the truth.. and that doesn't matter to her but what if I said I need half my thyriod removed bc of the dog, making me hyper. or that I need eye surgery bc of my graves reactivating... I don't want to say the eye thing incase it comes true.... like bad karma or something... so id prob stick with my thyriod needing to be removed bc it's always something that could need to be done.. but I don't think she would care. I don't think it would make a difference.

Mike switched my appt to 2 p.m but didn't switch them in the system and he didn't respond to me last week and left me sitting there with an inactive link..... I'm sure it'll be inactive today too. So idk i guess he isn't my therapist anymore?

My other therapist wants me to ask my mother for a family meeting for therapy to discuss getting rid of the dog but I mean... she's just going to start yelling at me. She won't attend. It's just another argument.

Of course they havent brought her to the vet for her bald patch... and of course I'm still worried about my moms upcoming surgery and having to live with Riley alone and how I'm going to function without touching her...... which I've made the decision I'm not going to her surgery if Riley is here. And of course I still have anxiety about my thyriod. And I mean my life seems fucking pointless.

I want to die. I don't see the point in pretending anything will get better.

The other glasses I've been wearing have helped with the eye strain. I've ordered more glasses cause they were cheap and the Ray-Bans really hurt my eyes, they are smaller... I'll try to stretch them out and return them if I have to.... they are a pair I've had before. Idk what to do. Definitely head squeezers but I've been able to stretch them so they could fit. If they are made of the same material I could stretch them and my eyes would be more dead center. I'm just worried I'll break them... but if I do I'll return the old pairs and get my money back bc they are the same exact frames.

Idk what to do about the gym either. Or cigarettes. Or anything.

I just want to die so I don't have to suffer anymore.

[odetoagirl]

i feel remarkably little right now, not euphoric or utterly depressed, just impeccably reasonable. how totally boring. i feel as close to normal this last week as i have ever done, i am rather lonely, i dont write as much as i did, or think as well, but i get up and leave the house every day. there is much room to improve but i imagine this is mostly how people feel. i dont shower as often as i should, my bins are still piling high and i keep intending to clean my room, all i can do is tidy it. my clothes have not been through the wash, nor have my sheets, or my dishes. for lack of pans, i do not cook myself meals, instead i spend and i steal quick meals from crappy corner shops. i brush my teeth with questionable frequency and i dont drink water, only coffee. also, i walk over that same bridge and dont linger, struggle to pull away from the magnet that asks me over, i dont hold knives and hesitate at the behest of the whispers, i dont hand money over to spotted men in exchange for temporary exaltation. and i totally lack anything worth saying, and the creative beast who thrives upon my extremes has gone dormant. i am in a relief period, and thus produce no work of note and i am a redundant ant for the moment, and yet i cannot even do the bare minimum, meet the average requirements. why, i could do it all tonight, hoover and wash my dishes at least, buy real food to make actual meals. it would all not even equate to an hour of work. i could shower too, empty my bins, but i wont. i just heard a little voice whisper 'but you might'. so i might, but i likely wont. i wish my writing could better reflect and speak on the external things in my life, i am so reactionary and everything i talk about is so deeply filtered through myself. i am deeply egotistical, so self absorbed i am multiplied, certainly i have delusions of grandeur, a statement i make not because i believe they are delusions so much as you might excuse me by way of my own acknowledgement, in case you think as such. to myself i am a mermaid of death. epicuriess. but i also cant wash my sheets. i am a self professed genius who doesnt know how the washing machine works. a fish out of water at the very merit of being alive.

[if-i-had-100-sandwiches]

It's hard for ne to accept that I was a victim of abuse, I spend a lot of energy telling myself it wasn't that bad. After all, he never put my head through a wall or took a swing at me, and he would tell me he loved me, and we laughed and had fun together all the time. It wasn't like what other people have gone through, my internal conception of "real" abuse victims doesn't really tend to include me. But every time I dig into why, it feels wrong, because if someone else told me the things that happened to me had happened to them I wouldn't hesitate to call it abuse. So why do I consider it almost stolen valour to call myself a former victim of abuse? Did he leave bruises on me? Yes. Was it on purpose and against my expressed wishes? Yes. Did he touch me without consent, and purposely cross boundaries I put in place? Yes. Did he throw a fit when I said no? Yes. Did he yell at me when I kade mistakes? Yes. Did he belittle me and call me names and grind my already low self worth into the dirt? Yes. Did he convince me it was my fault that he was propisitioning other women? Yes. Did he knowingly use my mental illness against me? Yes. I. Was. Abused.

I cried today, it's been so fucking many years but I broke down and wept over this shit. To this day I can't go 24 hours without a stray thought wandering into the minefield of my recollections. He took seven years from me, years I needed to grow and learn, he took my twenties and I surrendered them gleefullly. I wanted so badly for anyone to love me thar when this man that terrified me with his presence told me he wanted me I believed him, but I didn't know what he meant, that he wanted to hurt me, that he wanted to chop me into little pieces he could enjoy and discard all the human parts. I'm so angry that I remember him, that I think about him at all. I'm so exhausted by this battle I'm fighting in my own head to be good and well balanced when I'm always one spare thought away from utter oblivion.why do I have to pick myself up, can I just stay on the floor and wither away? Can't I just let this ruin me? Can I just let him have won? Like here I am, completely drained and broken, congrats fucker, you ruined my life, I've been pretending this whole time that I'm recovered and doing better than ever but that's a big fucking lie so here's your trophy, put my head on a pike, you won.

But I am doing better. Materially better, I brush my teeth twice a day, I cook myself food relatively often, I like my job and I don't have panic attacks on a regular basis, I don't think about killing myself every day anymore, I go outside and take walks sometimes, and occasionally I'll experience a moment of bliss standing in a scenic place, listening to the perfect song, feeling content. These aren't lies, I am happy.

The darkness is always there, it always was, but it's bigger than before I knew him. It doesn't consume me anymore, at least not fully, I dip my toes in it, take a swim, but I'm never beyond reach of the shore.

What do I even mean by this?

Hi, I'm Kristina, and I was abused by my ex-husband. I'm doing okay, but I'm forever going to have the mental scars. I just want someone to understand me and love me whether or not I deserve that love, and I want to love someone else the same way.

#screaming into the void #not actually tagging this because oh dear god can you imagine if anyone actually saw this?

[secret-hidden-feelings]

You were my favourite good morning, my favourite goodnight, my favourite kiss, my favourite hug, my favourite hello but you were my hardest goodbye. You were the person I cherished and finally gave me 100%, you were all in. I was scared when I met you and I wish I was more ready then because I would still have you. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship but then I fell in love with you once I really opened up and got to know you. You were the best person to cuddle to sleep, I always slept so peacefully with you more than anyone else. It was the happiest I was when I was with you. The hardest thing was moving back home because when I cried I was crying mainly because I would hardly get to sleep next to you anymore. It would be harder to see you and I knew from there I would probably lose you. You were my home. My best friend and my whole world. Losing you has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life because I not only lost the love of my life. I lost my best friend, I lost the person I knew everything about every moment of the day and it hurts so much. It physically hurts my heart and I feel like it's gone. My heart is empty, my world is empty. You were the person who made me laugh more than anyone else in this world, I get flashbacks everyday of just little memories we had. My favourite memory will be the day we were together at our spot and both of our parents were calling us asking where we were but we didn't want to leave each other and we used the excuse of being too tired to drive home to stay together. We woke up in the car that morning to so many people walking on the beach, we felt so homeless. brushed our teeth from the one toothbrush and hung out at the beach together that day too after not showering or anything. You were so weird and retarded, I loved holding your hand because you made me safe. You always had my back and I have never ever felt so much more alone. I really fell in love with you, so deeply that I fought for us everyday and I will continue to fight for you till I have no fight in me left. I cry everyday for you, I remember I wrote about how I felt about sex, the 3rd person was you. You were my person, that person who was passionate, who loved every part of my body and appreciated no matter how much weight I gained. You would smell me like a weirdo every time you'd see me because of my smell. You'd even smell my armpits after I'd been sweating all day and tell me I didn't smell bad when I knew I did.

You cooked for me and when I was sad or had my bad days. You picked up the pieces all the time. I grew an attachment to you when I didn't want to be attached. You told me I could be clingy and I can be the way I am, that you dont care. You are and were my best friend and losing you has made me realise that I love you. I'm not obsessed with you like I was with other people I dated.

I know I hid things from you, but I'm not perfect. You lied and hid things from me which made me a little crazy and not trust you. You weren't perfect. We weren't and aren't perfect but I did truly believe that we were perfect together. If we communicated more and talked things out.

I hid trauma from you because im still yet to deal with it myself, I just needed you to see what happened. I didn't cheat on you and I wish you'd understand what trauma over and over again does to a person. I am going to work on it. You don’t need to believe me and I am not going to sit here trying to make you face this with me or prove this to you over and over again because I haven’t even allowed myself to face it myself. I am not saying all this to you to get you back whether you believe it or not. I have so much to work on myself that I see. However, I just wanted you to see and understand what trauma does to a person, I told you because I was hoping you’d understand how I deal with things. Because of something that happened to me as a kid and how I dealt with it is exactly how I dealt with that situation.

you will forever be my hardest goodbye and I wish our paths do cross again because I dont want to do this thing called life without you.

[lomelinde-adventures]

I haven’t posted in a little bit so a little update!

I went to the dentist for the first time in forever! When I became a teenager it seemed like my parents didn’t care as much about me going to the dentist so I didn’t go. Then when I became an adult I was so scared and traumatized by the dentist I only went when I had to like a toothache. As the years progressed it became a shame thing. I dreaded going and hearing them say over and over just brush your teeth. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just remember to brush my fucking teeth…it’s not like I didn’t want to….I just never remembered. The same way I forgot to eat or drink water…

Now I know I am adhd. It makes much more sense now and I have given myself grace. Grace to set my home and my routines up in ways that work for me. Maybe not for “normal” people (if that exists), but me. My toothbrush isn’t in my bathroom. I own 3 at any given time and they are all being used. In different parts of my house so when I do remember there is one close. So anyways. I finally went to the dentist. My teeth are bad. But the dentist didn’t shame me. He was very sweet and we came up with a plan to fix them. I about cried by how much I was relived it wasn’t as bad as I had thought and that he was so kind and understanding.

I started a hello fresh subscription because I need help with how to manage multiple dishes at once while cooking, new cooking skills, and recipe ideas. I have done one box already. It has pros and cons. I think it is expensive. Even though they claim it’s cheaper then shopping…I don’t think there is enough vegetables in the meals. But their recipe cards are easy to follow and the in app recipe is even better. My family has liked the meals so far and has gone out of their comfort zone. I add salads to the meals to up the veggies. I will probably keep it for a couple months and then cancel. I prefer to cook enough food to have dinner and lunch the next day.

I feel cleaned our kitchen and reorganized which felt amazing! Today I am working on my bedroom and laundry!

Plus! I did 20 minutes of ring fit today! I completely deleted my saved data and started at the very beginning. Previously I was level 85 and I could do so many squats and planks and I would play for like 30 to 40 minutes every day. Today…that 29 minutes with the beginning skills kicked my ass…it was a great reminder that I have a long ways to go but this is why I’m doing it.

If your reading this and struggling. Your not alone. We can do this :)