#or even go out to pick up my meds
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im not doin so hot today/this week gamers
#its very rare for me to not want to eat/have to force myself to get somethin to eat#even in depressi mode#ive eaten tho. didnt have any appetite but i ate#absolutely no motivation to shower or do dishes or anything tho#or even go out to pick up my meds#uhhh#maybe ill do it tomorrow. smile.
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maybe 6 weeks of sleeping all day and staying indoors all night either working or being at the computer is not so good for me huh
#I can see why people go without sleep to do things on night shift...#im glad I had my birding walk but good lord. I can feel myself getting so antsy#I don't want to read anything or watch anything or listen to anything!#I want to go and be in the trees!!!! but it's 10pm at night!!!!#I slept for 10 hrs last night so I couldn't even pick up my meds 😭 by the time I went out the pharmacy was closed#I actually wouldn't have woken up if not for my alarm#those sleeping pills really knocked me out#anyway I'm gonna go to the MARSH tomnorrow!!!!#cor.txt
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞
#sorry everyone another spiral/vent incoming#mental health been so bad this week I said fuck it and found a therapist#because I cannot keep living this way it’s ruining my life#like rn I’m terrified to go to sleep bc I’ve convinced myself of a blood clot in my arm 😐 and it’s like realistically it was probably just#cramping bc I did some crafts today in a not great position like in my head I know that’s probably what it is but then there’s always that#little voice saying what if it’s not what if it is actually a clot and you go to bed and die? and what am I supposed to do with that? just#go to bed? I cant. I know unfortunately tonight will be a night where I will stay up until I physically can’t anymore so yay so fun#and it’s like a bunch of little things add up to symptoms in my mind and suddenly I cant remember if my arm has always looked that way or#always been that red etc. it’s so frustrating#why was I cursed to be so stupid and annoying? ugh#not only that I’m extremely nauseous rn ugh#I had to buck up and put my grown man pants on and finally pick a therapist can you believe it’s the#same therapist I’ve been thinking about since I first started looking at the beginning of the year 😐 what is wrong with me man idk why I put#it off for so long but hopefully now I can get the ball rolling on this and work towards being better and maybe even being on meds and#I think it’s bc I didnt wanna do virtual but for rn that would be best for me#please god don’t let it be out the ass expensive#honeslty idek if it’s bc my mental health was bad this week I just had a lot of spirals this week and the past few weeks have been stressful#and I’m just so done with it like I got so annoyed I scheduled/requested appointments I’d been putting off out of fear and now this
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So my nose isn’t fractured but the internal bruising is pretty gnarly they said so they gave me some anti nausea and some pain medication and said I’m good to go so yay not broken and medical professionals validated me and my level of pain and helped me get pain management! Success!
#We talked and we think it was pretty dislocated and I relocated it and the bruising is from the fall and the relocating#and my cat head butting me directly in the nose this morning#So like with my hEDS diagnosis it makes sense that it probably would’ve broken on someone with ‘normal’ cartilage and mine just dislocated#but the swelling and pain and general not okayness is still there so they gave me pain management#drs who listen to their patients and do their jobs my beloved <3#my best friend and mom are spoiling me tonight by letting me go out and do my normal bestie night even though I’m on pain meds & can’t drive#my best friend came and picked me up so we could go pick up dinner and hang out and my mom is coming to pick me up cuz I’m sleepy and ouchie#and it’s bed time for this little guy#but I needed my weekly bestie night but I’m bad at asking for accommodations but I finally did this time and everything is a okay 🥰#I am high on pain meds and I’m feeling fairly okay my dudes#camshitposts
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#bonus under the cut where they're just a tiny bit closer because i couldn't decide which one was better#lairon#lairon is also pretty good. they have this Really big nose thing happening here which i'm not sure if it's supposed to be a nose or not#but it definitely looks like one from this angle. it definitely Looks like they're snifsnifsnifsniffing that kind of vibe#even though it's kinda on the top of their head. either way lairon is a steel-type and that's inherently cool#i very much like steel-types that look less like Objects or Mechanisms and more like Creatures. Animals. but that's just my personal taste#notably it's also part rock-type because reasons i guess so 4x weakness to fighting my belovèd. just like weavile#and ground also. but at least the rock typing nullifies steel's weakness to fire! in exchange for. a weakness to water#ahh well i dunno anything about the stats of this bitch. i assume they're good and very tanky because steel-type but i'm not#gonna look it up. i usually do but i am tired this morning and i need to just get some coffee and take my meds so i can call someone to#come pick me up and take me to fedex because i don't have a fucking car anymore and also driving is very scary and hard#probably my grandma. which is ironic because she's the one i sold my car to. she'd be taking me to fedex in my own car‚ technically#i dunno y'all. i need to work‚ too‚ so i should probably stop writing. y'all have a good day. brits out there take care with the heat wave#if that's still going on by the time this posts
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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it’s early still and we already know i don’t know ball from the last time i declared i was feeling good about the team and it seemed like they’d turned a corner only to have them turn around and nearly get swept by the Tigers (and then actually get swept by them a week later)
but the Dan Wilson team feels a little different?
it’s an insignificantly small sample size so far obviously (you cannot discern patterns from 4 games in a 162 game season). they’re still not scoring a TON of runs overall. but it feels kind of like they’re gritting out runs in a way they weren’t doing before? feels like they’re stealing a lot more, at the very least. which, if you’re struggling to score runs, makes sense - obviously it doesn’t help with the strikeouts, but if you can get yourself in position to score on a single or a sac fly, you can take better advantage of the hits when they happen. (had a moment of wondering if maybe they were trying to mess with expectations by stealing more often but we ARE 10th overall as a team this year for stolen bases. there’s a bigger gap between the #1 team and us vs. us and the #30 team, but the average overall for the league is 98 SB and we’re at 107.) (honestly what i’m REALLY curious about is Cal going for a bunt last night. it wasn’t even a sac bunt situation! there was no one on base! what was up with that. you’re fast but idk if you’re THAT fast. anyway.)
maybe they’re just getting luckier and chaos ball is breaking their way a little more (that 3-run HR does not happen without a fielding error and a weird little dribbler that hits the bag instead of going foul). maybe they’ve just decided they’ve got nothing to lose and they’re not going to get the division lead back by playing it safe. maybe Dan is actually making different game decisions than Scott would’ve made and they’re making the difference. or maybe this is all just a fluke and they are simply winning games lately thanks to the whims of god and as soon as they have lost divine favor they will go back to losing! who knows.
at the very least, they feel a little more fun to watch, and that’s gotta count for something right? (especially for me, who has been and will continue to be at every game this homestand and cannot just turn off the tv if the games get miserable lmao)
#talkin baseball#look sometimes i actually take my meds and then i can’t stop yapping!#anyway i overall liked scott and i also mostly don’t think you can quantify the impact a manager makes in terms of discrete wins and losses#and have been kind of up in the air on the dan wilson situation in general#(i like him as a person/player a LOT i just have some concerns about how much the nostalgia factor played into the pick)#(and also dan is so beloved in seattle and giving him this team at this particular point in franchise history just feels like a recipe for#getting the whole city to turn on him if things go poorly)#(like this season is one thing bc i think everyone’s kind of written it off as a loss so if we don’t make the playoffs it’s not his fault#and if we DO everyone is gonna be delighted and dan will probably get a lot of the credit for that)#(but if things are bad next season? or even just like middling? hm. could get rough out there.)#(and dan has been such a big part of this franchise both as a player and after and he lives in the area and spends time with every level#of the organization and i just don’t want to see that soured for any reason!)#(anyway im shutting up now i promise!)
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Sighs. Am trying to make dinner (on one foot, mid migraine, in a horrible flare up) which my sister said she'd help with. She did a few things (washed the carrots, cut up the beets which were supposed to be whole) and then said i clearly had it under control and went back to the computer. Still have tons left to do. Have no energy and am not even hungry.
#feels like the more help i need the more literally everyone is like. hm. good luck with that. and then they leave#especially doctors but also my sister as well#i know she's not my caretaker ! am well aware !#just kind of dont understand the lack of reciprocity. i take care of her whenever she's sick#asked her to pick up my last couple meds from the pharmacy#which is attached to the store she was going to anyway and was like 'dont bother if theres a line but if there isnt one could you ?'#after she just saw me struggle massively on my crutches when we got coffee this morning#and she said it wasnt good timing and she didnt know if people can even pick up meds for each other#they definitely fucking can bc ive picked up her meds plenty#anyway am out of my migraine meds entirely and really have zero hope of getting them for the next while#at least until i can walk on my right foot i guess#just feel. what's the words. frustrated and abandoned and alone. and too fucking disabled.#chronic illness#complaining
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. noncoherent but also thoughts
#i have such mixed feelings on the solas varric save everyone meme#bc on one hand ya that is whats going on in that dialoge but also!! its not!!#solas *is* trying to save everyone from his pov on several levels (the spirits the ancieny elves the modern people too to an extent*)#*the extent being how far he views them as people/everyone being semi dependant on his relationship with the inquisitor i believe#and he is trying this is his third fucking attempt we know of to save everyone#(which of course he will keep trying and keep trying as alone as possible he isnt named pride for no reason he doesnt have a place -#-in the dalish pantheon for no reason)#and then varric..#my god where do i even begin with varric's pov#da2 varric is EXTREMELY you cant save everyone (so why bother to try) and so very much out for himself (and those he cares about -#-bc those are *his* friends and his friends are part of his life)#but for those outside his circle? varric does not give two shits about anyone outside in da2#dai varric has learned over the past 10 years little. imo. he's learned his friends are affected by things he cannot control (hello.) but#he clings to the idea he can control things he can write their (his) story bc if he cant (and he knows he cant its why he tries so hard) -#then its been meaningless the whole time and he's back at square one#varric has learned the you have to try thing the fucking hard way and tbh he doesnt really believe it (at least not in dai)#i REALLY wanna see dav varric and what development he's had (sorry i havent read the comics and probably wont theyre hard for me to see/read#god i wish i could see what my tags are bc i dont remember where i cut several of these off fuck mobile tagging but anyways#i want tosee what direction varric has moved in - his dialogue inthe trailer is deeply interesting to me. specifically. since it does seem#to imply a real shift in his pov but im Suspicious bc while varric has always cared deeply and has been tryung very hard to keep his friends#read his#life comfortable he's really never picked any sort of side in his life varric is deeply centrist bc he benefits from not rocking the boat#(usually.)#(dai trapped him imo and hes not there to save the world by a long shot)#but dav seems to position him into an instigator role a real shake it up and point role#very interesting to me i wanna see where it goes#anyway.#im gonna take more headache meds and open indeed and blow myself up
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In a fucking glorious turn of events, my weed pen is working again
#it has been. one fuck of a day#at least the ppl I work for at very kind and reasonable and understanding about my car having issues#the baby was very fussy and I am so exhausted from walking#it definitely is not tenable for me to take the bus entirely both ways from work#I'm gonna have to call a Lyft after the first bus bc Ho Lee Shit public transport needs better funding and more options#also I still need to buy groceries and pick up my meds AND finish my hw before I can even relax at home#I'm gonna do as much hw as I can on the bus but it's getting too dark out to do it at the stops#at least the immediately upcoming bus was comfy this morning#and also Rubie is back in business#hazard to my lungs tho she may be at least she doesn't carry nicotine#that's one of many addiction roads I definitely want to avoid going down. among like. literally everything else#1 chemical crutch is all I need to depend upon#also as fussy as he was towards the end the work baby was very cute and silly and cuddly today so that was nice#and I do enjoy the dark#lmao I can feel the dab kicking in
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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All of my planning and worrying didn't matter because he went on his own last night at home and it was traumatic as fuck for me and Selene both.
#dont read the tags if you dont want any details#he didnt seem that bad yesterday#he was swollen but he was still up and moving around on his own#he even took all his meds and ate a full bowl of food without any trouble#we called the vet to ask them to call us back to discuss options yesterday around 4#vet called us back around 7 to discuss new meds to keep him comfortable while we got home euth set up for him#and we agreed ro go in today to pick them up for him and then got off the phone#and like five minutes later Banana suddenly started panting hard#so me and Selene sat on the floor with him trying to figure out what was wrong#and he started having a seizure which we're used to so we were keeping him company waiting for it to pass like normal#only it didnt#he suddenly died in my arms instead while I cried and screamed and tried to get him to start breathing again#selene call d the vet and told them we were bringing him in for an emergency visit and i was just sitting on the floor numb#cuz i knew the vet was too far away to be any help and even if they werent it wouldn't matter#he was already gone#he was gone so fast and I wasnt ready#it was so fucking horrible#im never going to be able to get the way he looked before he collapsed out of my head#my poor old man#that was not how it was supposed to go im so sorry
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Not even the allure of korean fried chicken can get me out of bed today
#i want to go to town i want to get myself food and treats i need to pick up my meds#but its a 'brain crash so severe that i cant even will myself out of bed' kind of day#and my family have zero intrest in helping me out of it lmao
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Just screamed so loud in my car that both my ears rang and a spider fell from the ceiling. My throat hurts.
#my pharmacy won't fill my meds AGAIN because some motherfucker decided to make a new policy that requires more instructions or something#i keep not getting my meds when I need them because every time i get a new script sent out (like one I haven't been on before) i hear...#...nothing back from the pharmacy; generally for days; and then when i call them (every 10 or 15 or 30 minutes for several hours) no...#...one picks up the goddamn phone and i have to make time to go in in person and ask the pharmacist when my meds will be ready.#and then they tell me 'oh yeah we HAVE the script from your doctor. we just need MORE INFORMATION and sent them an ELECTRONIC NOTE...#...(reminder that i live in fucking rural idaho so most people use a fucking phone and not 'an electronic note') and haven't heard back...#...from them yet so we're just waiting on that :)' and then i have to smile and thank them bc it isn't their fucking fault the policy is...#...some fucking bullshit and then i have to call my doctor on the phone (and can never reach them directly so i have to get a...#...receptionist to leave them a note that i HOPE they'll see in the next couple of days but sometimes they don't) and since i never have...#...an emergency it's often 2 or more weeks before anyone gets back to me. i usually have to call the pharmacy again. and then they don't...#...always answer and i usually have to go in and ask AGAIN why my meds aren't ready and they go 'oh we're still waiting on your doctor'...#...:) or 'they sent us a message back but it wasn't ENOUGH information and we sent them another ELECTRONIC NOTE that they won't see for...#...days or weeks so we recommend YOU call your doctor even though we're the ones flinging you around like a rag doll and you have 0...#...control over it. and by the way we're going to continue doing this for like a fucking year every time you get a new script. and when...#...your doctor asks you if the new meds are working you're going to have to say 'i have no fucking clue because it took 6 weeks to get...#...my goddamn prescription filled and it takes 3 months for the medication to show signs of working so my pharmacy wasted HALF of that...#...time sending electronic notes instead of filling my motherfucking prescription and i was supposed to be off these meds by summer...#...since they cause intense sunburn and shit and i have an OUTDOOR JOB NOW but my acne is still bad and hasn't gone away enough to stop...#...using the super intense stuff and my face hurts and swells and oozes and i have to wear a wide-brimmed hat and sunscreen EVERY time...#...i go outside because i can get a sunburn in 20 minutes now and i've been having heat rashes from the sun for the first time in my...#...LIFE and i have to fucking monitor myself every time i go outside and it's the warm season and i need a new pair of lighter work...#...pants but they don't sell above a size 18 for women even though men go up to like a size 45 which is like a size 24 or 26 in women's...#...and men's pants don't fit me bc i was blessed with the largest ass in the history of mankind' and i am so. fucking. tired.#of all the bullshit.#i feel miserable. my mom is buying me otc imodium bc i have NO IDEA when my prescription will come available. i just want the cramping...#...to stop. i've been having diarrhea all day every day since sunday. the cramps HURT and they keep me up at night. i haven't been...#...eating much bc there's so much shit moving around and hurting in my gut that i can't feel when i'm hungry and food doesn't soumd great.#so i'm weak and slow and tired and can't go to work and i'm using up all the sick days i was hoping to save up to visit my friend in...#...cyprus this winter. so that probably can't happen. but anyways. my mom came by while i was typing this out and i feel betterish.#personal
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