#or angry that I'm letting my anxiety spiral

[bebethsas]

Okay

First of all, who even invited you to my blog, I didn't reblog it from you when I wrote my first message, what demented lamp summoned you.

I wasn't calling *you* "honey," it's just how you start a sentence when you're trying to have a more sassy/ conversational tone. It's something I do when having a conversation with someone, automatically, and I admit it's a bad habit. My mistake, I should have started with tone indicators, or maybe used a more neutral name, like 'dude.'

I politely tried asking you for a tone indicator because I couldn't tell if your tone was snarky or genuine, and didn't want to assume that it was negative.

You missed a comma in your sentence "I feel like calling you babe after you called me a complete stranger, honey, is totally fair." There should be a comma between "me" and "a," since "a complete stranger" is its own phrase. (Yes, I am, in fact, being this damn petty.)

Finally: honestly?...I'm sure you didn't intend to, but you single-handedly killed the fun from my original reblog. It was light. It was short. It was a mildly glib statement followed by a befuddled face. I enjoyed it. I hoped that other people would enjoy it. And when you responded saying that most cities in Europe have sex clubs, and they're not rare, I thought 'yup, that's fair, that's a good point,' and tried self-depreciating humor to respond to you.(A la 'yeah, I'm sure that Europe--a more open-minded place when it comes to sex--has plenty of these. Meanwhile the place where *I* live would probably have a collective heart-attack if anything spicier than a Spencer's rolled into town. Lol, aren't we (me and my neighbors) just bland and lame-ass? Aren't we just like the silly stereotype of sexually-repressed Americans??') I don't expect you to read my mind. No one asked you to read my mind. I didn't expect you to instantly know what my persepctive is, before I shared it with you. However I do ask that people who wanna refute my reblogs be civil, and, from where I'm standing, you've been particularly prickly right out of the gate.

In Summary:

there's been a couple times that i've gone to the local sex club and every time i was at an event there was one man just fully naked walking around. same guy every time. hog like a hoagie roll when flaccid and he was always flaccid. anyway at one of the less populated events i got to sit and talk with him and he told me that he told me he was always naked because, despite it being a sex club, people still don't know when it's 'okay' to start getting into it and he decided he'd be the one thing to break the ice and make everybody comfortable, because you know you can start doing whatever you wanna do when there's just a naked guy walking around. he then asked if i wanted a silicone copy of his dick for my strap. never in my life have i felt such an instant respect for a person.

[st4rr-girrl]

Saviors

summary; When you have nowhere to stay- and you're falling tired- you turn to the Crescent Hotel to sleep. You roomed next to four people, and they help you when something traumatic happens in your hotel room.

warnings: Cussing, hella paranormal activity, major? injuries, anxiety attack. (i changed a few things from the video tho)

(a/n this post is kind of ass and yall keep liking it so ilysm but this is so shitty lmaoo i promise my writing had a glow-up)

pairing: colby brock x fem reader

Now playing; see how I circle / labyrinth

Up next; oblivion -grimes

Genesis-grimes

The sky started to darken, mirroring my negative mood. I sighed, feeling fatigue slowly start to take over my body.

Turning my black car's driving wheel, I drove into the 'Crescent Hotel" parking lot. I sighed, stepping out of the car and opening the trunk.

I grabbed an outfit, and shoved it into a bag before grabbing my purse and locking the car up.

I glanced up at the balcony of a room, seeing a dark figure stare at me intensely. My eyes widened and I felt goosebumps form on my skin.

The night was dark and cold, forcing a shiver make its way up my spine. I crossed my arms over my chest, as I shivered in my white dress. I approached the hotel doors, and quickly made my way inside, protecting myself from the cold misty air that surrounded me.

I walked in, feeling a heavy amount of energy fall onto my shoulders. I frowned deeply, before spotting an adorable black cat seated on the couch. I walked up to it and pet its soft fur, feeling my heart become warm. A smile grew on my face as I temporarily forgot about the dark, sad and longing feeling that lingered in the air, before walking up to the front desk.

"Hi, can I get a room for one night, please?" I offered a kind smile to the lady seated behind the counter. She returned the smile, and handed me a room key. 'Room 201'

"You'll be staying at room 201. That'll be 130$." My eyes widened at the price, but I was desperate for sleep. I opened my purse and grabbed my wallet, pulling out 150$.

"Keep the change." I smiled, collecting my stuff before heading up the spiraled stairs.

I was walking down a hallway, when I heard a faint "Damn baby! Back it up on over here, if ya will." In an accent. I turned around, fear gripping onto my chest. There was nobody there. I was completely alone. I frowned deeply, before rushing back to the stairs.

It took me a while, but I finally made it to my hotel room. I sighed happily, despite the feeling of sadness surrounding me.

I noticed a brunette boy leaving hotel room 202 and I smiled kindly at him. He returned the smile, as my eyes wandered to the camera located in his left hand. I tilted my head and raised a brow a little bit.

"Oh. I'm sorry." He laughed. "I'm a youtuber. Me and my friends are recording a video."

I was still confused. "What's so special about this place?" I looked around. I acknowledged the negative and sad energy around me, but shrugged it off.

"You don't know?" He asked me curiously.

"Know what?" I was a lot more confused now.

"This hotel is haunted." My eyes widened. it makes sense now. The figure on the balcony and the sad energy around here. No wonder.

"That makes sense." I shrugged, rubbing my hands up and down my arms.

"Why? Did you see something?" He asked me, concern swirling behind his blue eyes.

"Yeah I saw a figure on a balcony, but i just thought it was a person. Though it was creepy enough to give me goosebumps. It also feels sad. And angry here. Like there some sort of longing feeling. I also got catcalled by something that wasn't there. " I explained, giggling a bit at the end.

"Do you mind if i record you explaining that? If not that's alright. But it would be great to let the fans know."

"Sure, Mr. Popular." I smirked teasingly. He rolled his eyes playfully and turned on the camera and angled it at me.

"Okay so tell us what happened again...?" He trailed, searching for something.

"Y/n." I smiled.

"Okay so tell us what happened, Y/n."

"Soo, when I arrived here, I had no clue it was haunted until this handsome stranger told me." I smiled and winked jokingly. "But before I came in here, I saw a figure standing on a balcony and it was just.... staring at me. It gave me goosebumps. And after that, the second I stepped foot into the hotel the energy surrounding me felt, sad. Like previous people here were longing for something. And a bit of anger was hidden beneath the longing and sadness. I also got catcalled, but when I turned around I was alone. Whatever happened here must've been pretty bad." I explained for a second time but in more detail. "I still don't know what happened here, I just know that it's haunted."

I smiled at the boy behind the camera. "I'm colby, by the way." He mirrored my smile.

"Thanks for letting me know what I was getting myself into, Colby." I giggled as he put the camera down.

"Yeah, Sure." He laughed, his deep voice sending butterflies to my stomach. Heat rises to my cheek before he continued. "If you need anything me and my friend, Sam, will be in here. And maybe our other two friends. You're also welcome to join us, we're gonna be ghost hunting."

"Yeah, I'll consider it." I smiled kindly once more. "Thanks, Colby."

"No problem." he waved, returning the smile before walking down the hall. I opened my hotel room, rushing in and throwing my bag on my bed.

I sighed happily, finally being able to sleep. I couldn't shake the feeling of being watched, and I shivered a bit before trying to push the thought to the back of my mind.

I changed out of my white dress, and replaced it for pajama bottoms and a long sleeve shirt with holes for my thumbs.

I put fresh socks on before turning out the light and quickly hopping into the big bed.

I saw something in the corner, just before fatigue took over my body.

--

'Wake up' A females voice whispered in my ear.

I shot out of bed quickly, my eyes wide. Sweat dripped down the side of my head as I looked around my room. "Hello??" I said out loud. No response.

I shrugged it off as my imagination, and tried to fall back asleep.

—

I rubbed my eyes, tiredly sitting up.

“Why do I keep waking up.” I whispered to myself, picking up a clock that rested on a nightstand to the left of me.

“3:33.” I read out loud. “Isn’t that an Angel number?”

I shrugged it off, before I heard a mumbling. My head shot up and stared into the darkness that lie before me.

I squinted, trying to see into the black fog. I saw a figure. Staring at me. Menacingly. My eyes widened as I froze in fear.

A faint “What do you want?” Tore from my parted lips.

It didn’t respond, to nobody’s surprise, yet still stood there.

I sat in the king sized bed, slowly building up to courage to make a run for it.

When the courage was built, I leapt out of bed and ran for the door, only to be flung away from it.

I hit the wall, with a loud ‘thud,’ before landing on the floor.

Tears welled up in my eyes after I groaned in pain. My back was definitely gonna be bruised.

I crawled for the door as fast as I could, but got violently dragged by an invisible force. I dragged my nails against the carpet.

Once it let me go I quickly rushed to stand up but got aggressively pushed against the wall. The side of my face slammed into the wall, as an unbearable pain shot through my cheek at the violent contact. A Bible flew through the air and hit me in the face. Blood dripped down my nose as I cried in pain. I heard loud knocking on my door and my eyes widened.

“Y/n!? Are you okay?!” A familiar voice shouted.

I tried to get to the door but cried out when a sharp, stinging pain shot through my back.

I sobbed, feeling myself get dragged once more before the entity let go. I jumped up and ran to the door, flinging it open. I was met with four concerned faces, three of them being un-familiar.

I sobbed into my hands, as the traumatic event played over and over in my head.

“What the fuck happened?!” Colby asked.

“Are you okay?!” The blonde boy next to him asked.

“Th-there was something in there!!” I cried out as a blonde girl rubbed my back comfortingly.

“Come to our room for a second. We’ll help you and you can tell us everything.” A black haired girl said, her brows furrowed in worry.

I nodded, following the two girls as the two boys checked my hotel room for anyone.

We entered their hotel room and I sat down on the red sofa.

The blonde girl brought back a tissue and a cold water bottle.

I used the tissue for my nose, after giving a small thanks. I placed the water bottle on the huge bruise on my cheek.

“I’m kris.”

“Celina. And the other boys are Sam and Colby.” Celina said.

“Th-thank you guys.. so much.” You smiled gratefully.

“What happened?” Sam asked.

“I-I don’t know… there was this thing and it-it threw me around like I was a fucking rag doll.” I joked a bit, before wincing from the pain radiating on my back.

“I-I think it scratched my back.” I added. Colby came over to me and asked if he could raise my shirt. I nodded and turned around while he lifted it up.

Though I couldn’t see, they all had wide eyes and opened mouths.

“Holy shit!” Sam exclaimed. “Y/n do you mind if I record this?” He asked kindly, okay with either answer.

“You can, I don’t mind, it just hurts really bad.” I said in a pained voice. “Colby can you take a picture of it and show me?” I asked softly.

He said yes before snapping a picture of it. I stared at the picture in shock, a giant bruise on my side and three, long, bloody scratch marks starting from my upper back and ending right before the waistband of my shorts.

“Holy shit” i mimicked sam just as he started recording my injuries. I turned around and showed the rest.

“Do you wanna stay in our room for the rest of the night?” Colby offered.

“Yes please.” I said, a pleading look lingered in my eyes. “I don’t wanna go back into that room.” Tears welled up in my eyes as Celina and Kris both side-hugged me.

“It’s ok, Y/n you don’t have to.” Kris said, her brows furrowed.

“You’re safe with us. Especially the boys cause they’re a lot stronger than us.” Celina joked, attempting to lighten the mood. I laughed a long, wiping my tears.

“Thanks guys.” I said gratefully.

“Anytime.” The group postponed further exploration of the building so they could make sure I was alright.

Celina and Kris called it a night, heading to their own room to sleep or try to contact anything.

I started to get sleepy while Colby was treating my wounds. “I’m tired.” I admitted.

“I’m almost done, just try to stay up for one more minute.” He applied ointment to the scratches and ice to the bruises.

I was definitely gonna tell the hotel about this in the morning. Even though some people wouldn’t believe me, it was worth a shot.

Once Colby was done in informed me of it and I crawled under the sheets and lied in the middle of the bed.

Sam and Colby lied on either side of me, and yet I still unconsciously cuddled closer to Colby.

“Goodnight.” I sighed, feeling safe with the two boys I had only just met.

“Goodnight, Y/n.”

—

The end.

[theuntoldstorythatneedsawriter]

Disappointed 💣💧

Misa Rodriguez x reader

warning: angst 💣💔 (good ending ❤️‍🩹)

(my first language isn't english nor spanish, sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes)

Summary :

Disappointed after a lost, Misa redirects unintentionally her anger on you and realises what she's done, only once you're gone.

These past few weeks were tense, to say the least, Misa had been training hard for her future game against Barca. Anxiety had been eating her up, and you could see right through her, how her shoulders were tense even sleeping, the sour mood she put up. You, of course, tried to help her relax, but all your tentatives were stopped by rude "leave me alone." You understood why she was so distance but that didn't stop it from hurting you.

As the final whistle blows, you could see her face filled with disappointment. 3 Goals had gone past her and you could feel how angry she is with herself. Misa ran straight into the changing rooms after a small talk with Mapi, visibly angry and disappointed.

Waiting for her in the parking lot, like you usually did, you saw Olga, one of her teammate, run towards you. You knew her cordially but never built a friendship, not seeing her really often outside of Misa training. Out of breath, she breafly explained how she absolutely needed you come take care of Misa. Panicked about what could be happening to her, you followed Olga into the stadium.

Head in her hands, sniffing, body shaking. This sight of your girlfriend made your heart ache. You were used to seeing her disappointed after a lost game, but never to this point.

My love ?

Your voice fulled of worry, you took her hands in yours, allowing you to see her face covered with tears. You softly kissed her head, putting your forehead against hers, whispering praises. Only to get pushed forcefully away of her, her eyes full of anger.

Déjame en paz, eres inútil.

Leave me alone, you're useless

You knew she didn't mean it or at least hoped she didn't, but after weeks of suffering through her attitude, it was just too much. You got up quietly, Misa face reflected a mixed of confusion and anger. You turned away from her and walked to the exit, stopping by the door, you let out a soft, almost whisper,

Te dejaré en paz si eso es lo que quieres. Me voy a Alexia a pasar la noche.

I will leave you alone if that's what you want. Im going to Alexia for the night.

Before closing it after you, you took a deep breath before going back to the parking, calling Alexia to come and get you. Alexia and you have been pretty close ever since Misa introduced you to each other, having many points in the comment. Misa would often joke about you leaving her for Alexia, which wouldn't be possible either way since you loved Misa to much and Alexia already had Olga and wasn't up for sharing her with anyone.

Alexia knew something went wrong, your face was red from tears, you talked the less possible, responding with yes or no. You went directly to bed, not eating dinner, which worried the woman even more.

By the time you woke up the next morning, your phone was fulled with missed calls and text from Misa. Knowing you couldn't escape the situation for eternity, you quickly left after breakfast, thanking Alexia and Olga for the hospitality of giving you a bed for the night and a delicious breakfast.

Your appartement door in front of you, though spiralling about if you should go in or not. You were cut off by the door slowly opening in front of you, Misa was looking down at the ground, tears on her cheek.

Alexia me llamó, lo siento muchísimo. Sé que no debí haber sido tan grosera contigo. Lo siento, mi amor, lo siento muchísimo. Te amo tanto que no puedo perderte, por favor, mi vida, haré lo que sea.

Alexia called me, i am so so sorry. I know i shouldn't have been so rude to you. I'm sorry, my love, im so sorry. I love you so much i can't lose you, please my live, i will do anything.

The only thing you could do was hug her and cry with her, her body against yours, ears filled with sniffled apologise as you comforted her.

She made it a point to show you how sorry she was for the next couple of days, preparing you breakfast, lunch, dinner, making all the house chores, taking you shopping, watching your favorite show 7 time in a row.

She wasn't perfect, but she tried, and that was more then enough for you.

[cosmicanakin]

★ NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

੭୧ . . . vinnie hacker x female!reader.

ᯓ what began as a casual physical arrangement between two best friends soon blossomed into deeper feelings that neither were prepared to face without turbulence and confusion along the way.

warning(s) angst┊smut┊hurt comfort┊friends with benefits trope┊strong language┊anxiety┊miscommunication. 𓇼 angsty fwb ft. vinnie? count me in. it's my first time writing this trope so crossing my fingers i didn't fuck up. eighteen plus! adult content | minors do NOT interact.

　✧⠀ ⠀⠀　𓈒　⠀⠀ ⠀૮₍ ´ ꒳ `₎ა⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ꪆৎ masterlist.

you wake up with warmth behind you and an arm slung gently over your waist. looking at the time on your phone, you see it’s nearly noon. turning, you find vinnie still sleeping soundly, his face soft and serene.

a smile tugs at your lips as you watch him. he looks so peaceful. his curls fall messily over his forehead in a way that makes your stomach flip. you want nothing more than to lean in and place a gentle kiss on his lips, but you stop yourself.

that's what got you into this mess in the first place. kissing led to more… and more led to feelings. feelings you can't afford to have, not when this was supposed to be casual between you. what started as a friends with benefits situation has spiraled, at least for you, into something much deeper.

but vinnie made it clear from the beginning - no strings attached. and you agreed, not realizing your heart had plans of its own. now you find yourself falling helplessly for your best friend and you need to get yourself out before it’s too late. before you get hurt.

carefully, so as not to wake him, you slip out of bed and get dressed. once you're out the door, you shoot vinnie a text saying you had an early shift at work. it's not entirely a lie - you did pick up an extra shift today in hopes of keeping busy and your mind off of him.

the next few days, you do everything you can to avoid vinnie. you let his calls go to voicemail and take hours to reply to his texts. when he asks to hang out, you come up with excuses - you're tired, have plans, are busy with work. the hurt and confusion in his messages are painfully obvious, but you reason that it's better this way.

it has to end, and distancing yourself is the only way you'll be able to get over him. at least, that's what you keep telling yourself as you try to ignore the ache in your chest that grows more piercing each day without him.

one night, as you're lounging alone watching a movie, your phone rings. vinnie's photo flashes on your screen and you debate not answering, but curiosity gets the better of you.

"hello?"

"hey." his voice is tight. "we need to talk. i'm five minutes away."

before you could even protest, he hung up. your palms start to sweat as you realize there's no getting out of this. ten minutes later, there's a knock at your door.

you pull it open to find vinnie standing there, hands tucked into his jean pockets as he scowls down at the floor. he looks up at you, eyes softening when they meet yours. "can i come in?"

nodding mutely, you step aside to let him enter. he paces into your small living room as you close the door behind him. "so," he starts, turning to face you. "wanna tell me what's going on?"

"nothing," you mumble, avoiding his gaze. "i've just been busy."

"cut the bullshit," he snaps, uncharacteristically angry. "ever since that night a few weeks ago you've been ghosting me. i thought we were friends."

that night plays on repeat in your head, almost like a movie you can't turn off. the feeling of vinnie's lips on yours, his hands exploring your body, the way he made you feel cherished and cared for. but it was all pretend - nothing more than physical pleasure between best friends.

or at least, that's what you keep telling yourself it was to him while your foolish heart dreamed of more. now you have to make him understand it can't be anything at all to you anymore before you get in too deep.

"i think we should stop.. whatever this is," you say quietly, finally meeting his turbulent gaze.

hurt flashes across his face before he schools his expression into one of indifference. "oh. i see. it was just nothing to you then?"

"no, it's not like that," you sigh in frustration. how do you explain this without hurting him more? "i just, i developed feelings okay? and i know you said no strings but—"

"who said i didn't have feelings too?" he cuts you off, running an agitated hand through his hair.

you blink, taken aback. "what?"

"fuck, i care about you!" vinnie shouts, the anger and pain finally bursting to the surface. "these past few months with you have been some of the best in my life. i tried to play it cool but i'm in deep, alright? i love you."

your mind spins, trying to process what you're hearing. vinnie likes you? all this time avoiding him was for nothing? you stare at him open-mouthed as he continues.

"so don't tell me it was just physical for you, because it wasn't for me," he says bitterly. "i wanted all of it - the sex, the cuddling, the lazy mornings together. i wanted you."

a sob wells up in your throat. all the hurt and confusion comes spilling out as you grab onto the fabric of his shirt, balling it tightly in your fists. "i'm so sorry," you blubber, tears now streaming freely down your face. "i thought—i thought if i distanced myself it wouldn't hurt as much. but it only made it worse."

vinnie's face softens and he grasps your wrists gently, loosening your grip on his shirt. "hey, shh it's okay," he soothes. "i'm here now. i got you, baby."

he pulls you against his chest in a tight embrace as you cry, rubbing soothing circles on your back. "i should have been honest with how i felt from the start. this is all my fault."

you shake your head into his chest. "no, i pushed you away when i shouldn't have. i was scared."

pulling back to meet your watery gaze, vinnie brushes your tears away with the pad of his thumbs. "don't be scared. i know i said no strings but… fuck, i want all the strings with you, baby. if you'll have me."

a watery laugh escapes your lips as a smile breaks through. "of course i'll have you, you idiot."

vinnie grins, his smile bright enough to light up the dark room. he leans down, capturing your lips in a searing kiss that expresses everything left unsaid between you until now. you moan into it, grasping at his shirt to keep him close, never wanting to let go again.

when you finally part for air, he rests his forehead against yours, eyes glittering with care and affection. "let me stay with you tonight?"

all you can do is nod euphorically, still overwhelmed by the turn of events. vinnie takes your hand and leads you down the hall to your bedroom, closing the door shut behind you. his touch is gentle but searing as he guides you back onto the soft mattress, covering your body with his own.

there's an underlying urgency to your actions now, a need to reconnect after being torn apart by doubt and confusion for so long. but vinnie takes his time undressing you slowly, pressing sweet kisses to every new patch of skin revealed with a reverence that makes your heart ache.

you return the gesture in kind, learning his body like a beloved song you know by heart but will never tire of singing. his moans and the scrape of his stubble against sensitive flesh are your favorite melodies.

when he finally sinks into you, it feels like two pieces of a puzzle clicking perfectly into place after drifting so long apart. he hits that spot inside you with practiced precision, drinking in every gasp and cry wrung from your lips in the dark.

you cling to him desperately, etching crescent moons into his back with your fingernails as you fly higher and higher together. when you fall, it's simultaneously the most exquisite pain and pleasure. he follows you over the edge with a raspy moan, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

you lay entwined after, listening to each other's rapidly calming breaths in comfortable silence. vinnie presses a kiss to your shoulder, arms tightening around your sated body.

"be my girl?" he mumbles sleepily against your skin. you turn to face him, heart swelling almost to bursting at the vulnerability and care written plainly across his handsome features.

"i'm already yours," you answer, sealing it with a soft kiss.

for the first time, you allow yourself to believe this could be the start of something real - something permanent and loving between you. no more running from what you want; you're in vinnie's arms where you belong. tomorrow you'll start again with open communication and honesty. but for now, basking in the afterglow and security of his embrace is more than enough.

[lassieposting]

So in the wake of my post on Astarion and cptsd, have another concept I've been thinking about lately:

Tav/Durge (or an origin character, but I'm gonna use Tav because there are so many potential ships) using magic on him - with his permission, of course, they're not a complete monster - to help him cope with the symptoms.

I feel like there's a lot of potential here? But I haven't really seen anyone using it in fics, so. Here are some ideas I've been turning over.

Spells Tav Can Use On Astarion:

Calm Emotions: magically subdue intense emotions.

So.

I have a fond headcanon that while Astarion is still in survival mode during the game - the worst symptoms of his cptsd are on lockdown and he's mostly able to keep it together well enough to be functional and clear-headed - there is an incident where Tav sees him have a panic attack.

Like. Maybe they're attempting to sneak around patrolling guards in enemy territory, or edging around hostile wildlife in the Underdark. They're alone, the party split into two pairs with different tasks, and some threat is headed their way. They don't want to raise any alarms, so Tav drags Astarion back into a narrow crevice in the rock, or a chest loaded onto a supply wagon, or something, to hide until the threat has passed by.

And. Astarion has never mentioned that he's claustrophobic. He doesn't show weakness unless he's forced to, and at this point, he hasn't told Tav about being sealed in a tomb for a whole year. So the first they know of it is when they're crushed up against him in a cramped hiding spot and they realise he's shaking. They try to calm him, but his eyes have gone unfocused and glassy and he's starting to hyperventilate, a wounded animal noise brewing in his chest.

And Tav has to make a split second decision, because he's going to get them noticed. So they try to comfort him and instinctively cast Calm Emotions - and it works. It cuts the panic attack off, and once the threat is audibly moving away from them, they're able to emerge and carry on undetected.

He's angry, on and off for a while, that Tav used magic on him without his consent, even once he understands what they did and why. But the thing is, it did work. It helped him get his fear under control. So down the line, as they get closer, and he begins to really trust Tav, he agrees to them using that one on him when he really needs it, when he's crippled with the panic of 200 years' worth of obediently withstood torture sessions, when he feels like dying is the only way to escape the fear. They're both aware though that Calm Emotions is a deferral, not a cure - it won't help him work through the panic attacks, and it won't stop him having them.

Heroism: instill the caster or an ally with courage

I like to think Tav uses this one on him a few times as the group approaches the city, when he's fretting about being back within Cazador's reach. They're not ✨sleeping together✨, but they are sleeping together - he has an open invitation to share Tav's tent at night, just to cuddle and rest a little easier with someone he trusts close by to watch over him. They know he's scared, and they know he doubts the group's ability to protect him if Cazador tries to take him back. Heroism here is essentially a stand-in for anti-anxiety medication - it stops him ruminating on what-if scenarios the group is determined not to ever let happen.

Enthrall: capture the attention of a creature, making it look at you

Another one that could be useful in a panic attack situation, though it's far too similar to Cazador's control to ever use on him spontaneously - it would need to be something suggested, discussed and agreed upon while he was clearheaded, to see if it was useful for him. Making him focus on Tav stops him focusing on whatever is causing him to nosedive. It's the, "Astarion, hey, look at me, just focus on me, breathe with me," spiel taken to a level that actually yanks him out of his fear spiral when just their voice won't do it.

Dancing Lights: creates magical orbs of light that brighten an area

Sometimes, Astarion struggles to switch off and unwind at bedtime. The "trying to get to sleep" gap can be a fucking horror show when you have a condition like cptsd - everything goes quiet in preparation for sleep, so it's the perfect time for all your intrusive thoughts and ruminations and spiralling to dogpile you, the way it struggles to do when you're compulsively keeping busy in the daytime.

A Tav who can create Dancing Lights is essentially giving him Candy Crush. A mindless, no-complex-thought-required distraction that shuts up all those bad thoughts long enough for his eyes to start closing.

Light: makes an object shed light in a small area

He's not afraid of the dark. The dark is a vampire's natural habitat, after all. But he is, in the early days, sometimes afraid of what might be in the dark - he has nightmares of Cazador lurking around the outskirts of the camp, waiting to snatch him up. Shifting shadows against tent fabric can warp and twist into horrors to a groggy, fresh-from-a-nightmare mind. He would rather die again than ever ask Tav to magic him a nightlight. But if an object bespelled to cast a soft, grounding glow inside his tent happened to be left beside his bedroll, well, finders keepers and all that. Of course he uses the damn thing, darling, if he leaves it off for one night Gale will probably eat it.

Detect Thoughts: telepathically link to unprotected minds and hear the thoughts of targeted creatures while talking to them.

I like to think this mostly happens when he's struggling to express something and getting frustrated.

Sometimes, it's a vocabulary issue. Faerûn is a medieval-esque setting - Astarion doesn't have terms like "trigger" or "dissociation" or "flashback" to express what's going on in his head. He has to cobble together not-quite-right-but-close-enough explanations out of the words he does have, and that shit is hard.

Other times, it's because he's trying to recount a memory that gets stuck in his throat or between his teeth. Because he can't bear to voice the humiliation, or the dehumanization, or the violence that goes with it. Putting it to words makes it real in a way that he can't deal with anymore. He wants Tav to know what's distressing him, but he just...can't say it. He can't.

And once upon a time, he would've just shown them through the tadpole, but that's no longer an option, so Detect Thoughts it is. Tav can either hear him, or he can visualise the memory and show it to them - or flashes of it, anyway. And it can be a quiet understanding between them - no stumbling over his words, no tears, no shaking voice.

Hold Person: hold a target humanoid in place.

Paralyzing Ray: paralyzes the target.

Otiluke's Resilient Sphere: enclose a target in a sphere of shimmering force...blocking all incoming and outgoing damage

These wouldn't really come into play until months or even years postgame, once Astarion is safe and settled and finally processing all the horrors he's been through - if he has an era where the flashbacks are so vivid, he might not recognise Tav, or might even mistake them for Cazador or Godey. The era where, sometimes, through no fault of his own, he might be a danger to himself and others, Tav included. What's a fantasy protagonist to do with him, when he's beyond reason? Pop him in the rage cage - where he can't hurt himself or anyone else - until he comes back to himself.

Spells Tav Has Tried And Failed To Use On Astarion:

Cure Wounds: heal wounds through touch

Probably the first spell they ever try on him, and one he could've sorely benefited from. The extra impetus to start associating touch with pain relief instead of pain itself would've done him a lot of good. But, according to the wiki, undead are immune to virtually all healing spells, which is a deeply angsty bummer.

Sleep: make a conscious creature fall into a deep slumber

As a high elf, he's immune to sleep magic, but he gets the elven equivalent of night terrors, and days on end of broken rest will leave anyone drained and exhausted. Tav has absolutely offered to try and put him to "proper" sleep, a deep sleep, so he won't dream. I've never actually played dnd, so I don't know how much leeway there is here for creative interpretation of immunity, there are certainly ways you could be creative with it - maybe his fey ancestry protects him from being put to sleep specifically in an attack context, or from being put to sleep unexpectedly, or by unfamiliar and potentially hostile magic. Maybe, if he knows it's happening and his innate magic recognises the magic of the caster, he's able to lean into it. Like the difference between being shot from behind with a tranquilizer gun and popping an ambien before bedtime.

Also! These could even be scrolls! It amuses me to think of Tav popping over to the pharmacist Gale's tower in Waterdeep to get Astarion's monthly anxiety prescription scrolls of Calm Emotions

[myrtles-and-blood]

I wanted to talk for a minute about how I feel my feelings.

I'm a person who takes stuff intensely. I'm always ruminating on the same stuff, over and over again, consuming myself into the same anger, resentment, hate, anxiety and sadness spiral. I need to talk a lot about the same thing for ages for me to process it correctly. Of course, I can't talk about it, bc I come off as bad or annoying.

And somehow, all of those things are known to my deities. I feel like they know why I need to do that even when I don't know. When those situations come again, I picture their hands on my shoulder, just there for me. I don't know why I'm so angry, but they do, and they want to help.

However, I do feel like I need to hate people a little more for the bad stuff they do, or hate on situations for how awful they are. For me, hate is only bad when it consumes your life and those of the people around you. Feeling hate, anger, disgust and """bad feelings""" in general is pretty important, and it's good to feel them.

Working with Lucifer and Ares has taught me to feel my feelings, process and scream as much as needed for me to finally let go of the things that don't make any good in my life. And working with Aphrodite has taught me the same: to feel my feelings really hard and to express my love and my likes, because I deserve to take space.

I have always been taught to go small and be small, to not be noticed and to speak quietly. But

I WAS BORN SCREAMING AND I WILL DIE SCREAMING

[projectmoon-smash-or-pass]

propaganda:

❌️ "I can't smash Sinclair. I look at his cute, adorable face and any feeling of lust just melts away, even knowing about this ""dark side"" he tends to repress. I just want to take him out on little platonic dates and give him a nice comfortable time. Maybe I'm thinking that ordeal he went through may have given him a sense of revulsion to that kind of thing and I know I don't have the heart to fix him OR make him worse. Someone else could though, probably."

✅ "EVERYONE CAN AND SHOULD SMASH A BISEXUAL TWINK. at least once. i think he would make cute noises"

✅ "Demian here. He's about to find where I live by doxxing my IP with the e-letter I sent him about his bird fursona art. I hear him talking with my mom rn at the entrance. Hope he'll like the fact that we hanged his fursona art in our living room."

✅ "i could fix him afterwards"

✅ (image below)

❌️ "i think having sex with him would send him into an anxiety disorder-driven anguish spiral. its for his own good"

✅️ "i need sinclair to get super angry and ravage me for my health. I know he looks cute but his anger issues are hot"

✅️ "sinclairs gonna feel my grip ill tell you that much"

✅️ "I so desperately need sinclair to ravage me and I’m not even gonna sugarcoat it. and like I mean absolutely demolish me. I need his hands to wrap around my neck like a collar and use me as he wishes. “but he’s cute and-” yeah but also there’s a lot of rage in that man. let him fuck. Let Him Fuck. I volunteer to be his stress relief. I need to keep going with him from company closing hours right to the very goddamn morning where Dante has to call in all the sinners for work. we are not going to be the same people as we were 12 hours ago when we finish"

[elllisaaa]

I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much to ask for an imagine with any of the skz boys. (Biased to lee know and bang chan). The reader is a girl who has a Korean pixie cut (looks like lee know's), and she gets some really rude comments about her looks from some idol looking girls behind her back while her and one of the boys are out at like a restaurant or bar. And these rude comments cause a lot of anxiety and self consciousness. And then just followed by soul melting fluff. And maybe some fluff smut, "babygirl" kink *because I know most of these men are just big soft dom teddy bears deep down*. (Even though the girl has a pixie cut she's actually quite feminine, but like in a soft cutie innocent kind of way yk.) Love you sooo much btw♥︎

hiii lovely !!! firstly thank you so much for sending an ask and taking the time to read me, that's so sweet <3

don't worry, it's not too much, all of you have such wonderful ideas that constantly motivates me to write, i love it so much ! and this idea... yeah, that's what i like. because you're so right, short are not often described ! i am guilty myself even if I try to be as neutral as possible ! since you let me choose, I really hesitated with chan buuut I'm too in love with seungmin these days 😭 also, i choose to not include smut (hope it'll be okay !) because i felt like the vibe was too fluffy for that !

anyway, i hope you'll like it, thank you for sending an ask and supporting me !!

FAIRY - K. SEUNGMIN

-> pairing : kim seungmin x fem!reader

-> words count : 1.1k

-> genre : fluff, hurt/comfort

-> warnings : self-deprecating thoughts, overthinking, mention of struggling with body image.

-> sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.

-> feedbacks and reblogs are appreciated !

-> skz masterlist | masterlist

You had always been pretty confident about your reflection in the mirror. Surely, there were times when you struggled with your image and body, just the way you looked, but for the most part, you loved yourself and your appearance. So you didn’t really know why these girls' remarks were sending you spiraling like that.  

It was supposed to be a cool day with your boyfriend, a little date just like you loved them : eating at your favorite restaurant, then going for a walk in the park and going home to cuddle while watching a movie. It was supposed to be perfect. But all it took was a commentary about your haircut for you to suddenly feel very self-conscious. 

“- Did you see that ? She looks like a boy, and an ugly one at that !

- Stop, she might hear us ! Maybe she’ll shave her head if she’s angry !”

The two girls behind you bursted out in laughter, unaware that you, in fact, heard them and that they did a good job at bringing you down. You lowered your head to your half-empty plate, suddenly not hungry anymore. You knew that Seungmin was talking to you, but you couldn’t hear a word he said. 

You always loved to experiment things with your hair. When you were little, they were very long and as you grew up, you tried to dye them in funny colors. And then, you cut them shorter, and shorter, until the point you were now : a pixie cut. You loved it, it was so easy to style and so much more practical than longer hair in everyday life. But at times, you wished you didn’t go for such a different hairstyle. Maybe they were right. Maybe you were the strange one. 

It was not helping that these girls were so good looking, with their pretty, long, silky brown hair. It was not helping either that your boyfriend happened to be Kim Seungmin, and that he was so handsome too. Were you looking ridiculous besides him ? Was it looking like he was doing you a favor by going out with you ? Maybe it was the case after all, maybe he agreed with them and thought that you were ugly. 

“- Baby, are you alright ?”

You lifted your head, trying to smile at Seungmin so he wouldn’t notice all the things that were going through your head. He obviously didn’t hear what the two girls said, and it was better like that. You didn’t want to bother him with your little problems. It was nothing, nothing he needed to know at least.

“- Yes… I’m just not very hungry, don’t worry about me.”

You could see that Seungmin was confused. He was not dumb, and he knew you better than everyone else, obviously he could tell that something was indeed upsetting you. But he also knew that you won’t bring it up right now, so instead, he settled on holding your hand all day, and being extra careful. Everytime he looked at you, you could see how worried he was even if he didn’t voice it. And you were feeling guilty because it was so rare for you to go out like this, and you were messing it up because of some stupid comments. However, you couldn’t bring yourself to ignore them, the words spinning in your head and spreading like poison in your veins. Until you got home, Seungmin didn’t say a word about your quiet and anxious attitude of the day, but as soon as you crashed with him on the couch, cuddled inside of your warm blankets, he was finally ready to investigate what troubled you.

“- What happened baby ? You've been so quiet since we left the restaurant…”

You didn’t dare to look up at him. Because you knew that you would melt if you saw his puppy eyes, pleading for an explanation. 

“- It’s stupid, don’t worry about it.”

Seungmin shuffled on the couch until he was facing you, his soft gaze making your heart beat faster, but also feel heavier. You didn’t want to hide things from him, you promised to be honest with each other even if it was not easy sometimes. 

“- It’s not stupid if you still think about it, and if it bothers you, then it’s bothering me. Tell me baby, you know I would never judge you.”

You nobbed at his words. Of course you knew that. He may act as if he was tough sometimes but behind closed doors, he was a softie. 

“- It’s just… The girls behind us, they made comments about my haircut and I… I don’t know, I started to feel a little self conscious. Does it look ugly ? Should I let them grow again ?”

You tried to remain calm, but it was obvious that your voice was shaking the more you talked. And suddenly a tear rolled down your cheeks, and you were sobbing loudly, all the emotions you kept for yourself today overflowing. Seungmin didn’t waste a second to engulf you in a warm, comforting hug, whispering sweet nothing in your ears and caressing your back to get you to calm down. He let you cry in his arms as long as you needed to, but he felt a weight on his chest. How could you doubt yourself when you were the most beautiful girl he had ever seen ? When your breath finally became rhythmic again, Seungmin cupped your cheeks to force you to lift your head and look at him. The vision of your teary eyes and wet cheeks made him want to protect you from the world forever. 

“- Listen to me baby. You look perfect just as you are, you don’t need to change because other people don’t like it. And actually, they have really bad taste because this haircut suits you so well !”

His joke earned a quiet laugh from you, and a little smile that brought one to his lips too. 

“- More seriously, I find you beautiful, and no matter what your hairstyle, makeup or clothes will be, I’ll still love you. I love you when you just got out of bed in the morning and your hair is all ruffled and you’re still wearing your pajamas. And I also love it when you get all dressed up when we go out together. Either way, you’re gorgeous, the prettiest girl in the world, and I love you so much.”

When Seungmin saw your eyes watering again, he pouted, making you laugh again as several tears rolled down your cheeks again. But this time, it was just because your boyfriend was very cute, holding your face and grinning at you. 

“- Thank you Minnie, I love you too.

- You don’t need to thank me for that baby, I’m just doing my job as your extraordinary boyfriend.”

You rolled your eyes playfully, and Seungmin whined, but the bright smile on his face as he tightened his hug was telling you everything you needed to know.

“- Plus, your pixie cut makes you look like a fairy. And I think you might be one, because you really casted a spell on me.”

-> i don't allow any copies, reposts or translations of my work.

skz taglist (fill in this to be added) :

@puppy-minnie @binwons @yoongles2025 @thicccurls

[clovermarigold]

Shaving Cream

Sova x Reader

"Sasha we're going to be late" everything had to go according to plan, this would be your first-time meeting Sasha's family and it needed to be perfect. And it would be, you had thought out every detail.

One, buy the thickest winter clothes and thermals. The last thing you needed was your teeth chattering when you introduced yourself, it also had the added benefit of being extremely modest. You swear you would die if any of his family thought of you as some sort of harlot or sexual deviant.

Two, bring the dish you had spent a month perfecting from the depths of your family cookbook. Sasha had tried convincing you that it was perfect the first few times you made it, but you knew better. It could be improved, and it was! It had to be. What? Was his family just going to accept that their golden child was with someone who had a history of burning eggs and living off of instant noodles and frozen pizza? Absolutely not!

Three, practice Russian religiously. You had to be Duolingo's favorite with the number of hours you spent studying. Mind you it wasn't just the little bird app. You had borrowed textbook upon textbook from the local library and practically forced Sasha at gunpoint to drill you on key phrases for hours at a time. You wanted to be able to speak for yourself. Being left at the whims of a translator? Oh no. Just the idea of awkwardly standing while surrounded by possible judging family members while left in the dark left your stomach in a knot.

Four, show up ON TIME. It was self-explanatory. Make sure you don't come off unorganized or uncaring about your 'extended family'. And in general, was the respectful thing to do. Which is why for the life of you, you couldn't comprehend why your boyfriend was still not changed, wet hair, unbothered, pulling out a shaving kit.

"We have an hour, love, don't worry about it" he said not spraying a handful of shaving cream onto his fingers before rubbing them onto his chin.

"I put your clothes on the bed an hour ago, you said you were getting dressed!" you were trying your best not to raise your voice. Seeing people yell always made you uncomfortable and the inner people pleaser in you could never let you be angry at him.

But it also plagued you with thoughts of his family being upset with you for being late. Would they think you weren't good enough for him? Maybe they would just ignore you for the rest of the night. And eventually Sasha would catch on and realize he was legions out of your league and find someone better.

A hand on yours drew you away from your spiraling thoughts. You hadn't even realized you were picking your nails. "Hey, deep breaths. Everything will be fine. My family is going to love you" his fingers brushed over yours in a circular motion before he brought them to his lips, giving each one a peck.

"Pfft" anxiety subsided you were hit by the absurdity of the sight in front of you. "What?" you couldn't help it. The complete innocent obliviousness of his expression was too cute, paired with the cloud of shaving cream still sticking to his face, and now, also your fingers.

Finally catching on, his face shifted into a faux pout. "Oh, you think you're funny?" the mischievous tone in his voice made you pause. "Wait.... Sasha, no! I just finished getting ready, do not!" is smile spread from ear to ear as he scooped off a portion of the shaving cream and just barely missed smudging your right cheek.

The two of you chased each other around the room before you were caught in a standstill both waiting for the other to book it. "Sa- Alexander Novikov, you put that down and get ready this instant" you put on your best serious voice to no avail. Within seconds he launched towards you smudging shaving cream on over your face.

"вот это да" he said pleased with his handy work. "You're an ass" you wiped your eyes and mouth clean.

Sasha laughed before pushing himself away from you, "Now I'm sweaty. Come, let's shower before we leave". And if that didn't send any lingering feelings of anxiousness and worry straight out of you in favor of immediate 'thirst' you didn't know what would.

He was right, you were overthinking things. With Sasha things were simple, you just needed to remind yourself to keep it that way. Luckly when you couldn't, he would always be there to do it for you.

[rhaegang]

Not really a kinky ask but I want to know more about MAD/BOT, Sho here it goes.

1. Is there any symbolism (that you used in the fic) that you liked the most?

2. Are there any plot points you wanted to introduce but couldn't due to change of plans/etc?

Thanks for sharing your writing with all of us!! I'm happy I got to know you a little better from talking in the server <3 I look forward to reading anything else you write in the future (you can try and guess who wrote this :3)

Aaaaaa thank u for asking about these fics, my favorite children 🥹

1 . The symbolism in MAD that was possibly my favorite was using the earth itself as symbolic of the bond between Oliver & Felix. Because it’s like. “This [the earth/your love] is the foundation of your lives, you spend every moment here whether you’re awake or asleep, and when you die you’ll dissolve away into it…”

The prologue ends with Oliver collapsing due to his OD, and noticing how his antlers “[pin him] wingless, to the earth.” In The Parapet, Felix takes a moment to stare out at the field and the sleeping earth, and in The Field there is more sleeping earth — each time the earth is referenced as sleeping, it’s because of the way the bond isn’t yet fully realized, feelings aren’t fully acknowledged. Later, when Felix starts to understand what’s happening between them, he dreams of digging his claws into the sleeping back of the earth and feeling it begin to wake.

I think I focused a lot on symbolism in MAD because it’s in Felix’s POV, and a big aspect of his character to me is his refusal to acknowledge things that he doesn’t want to see. So there are truths that have to be there in different forms, disguised, since he won’t look straight at them or name them.

There is less deliberate symbolism in BOT, but definitely my favorite Theme in BOT is what is Real versus what isn’t— they roleplay, Felix acts, Oliver lies, who is the ‘Real’ Oliver/Oliver’s several names, the Velveteen Rabbit symbolism, Oliver’s intrusive thoughts, etc.

Since it’s in Oliver’s POV, I was using less symbolism generally speaking. But given his character’s nature as a “shapeshifter” and a changeling, I wanted to explore that Real/Not Real duality in the themes. How do we let our fantasies (good ones and bad ones/anxiety spirals) control us despite conflicting evidence (what’s real)? Where is the line between fantasy and reality? If we tell people a story about something and they believe it, does it ever become the truth? If people believe a story about us that isn’t true, how can we hold on to ourselves? Etc.

2. In MAD I did originally want Felix to have a Darcy-esque love confession along the lines of “wow you’re awful and i really shouldn’t feel this way, i hate that i do, it kind of makes me sick, but i love you so much” and Oliver to be like “uh, that’s not good enough” and to be super angry about it. Because wow rude??? Does it even count if you hate it that much? Is that even love, or is it *just* obsession?

It just did not work out as I had planned, though. The tension broke too early, the action started feeling forced, and I couldn’t get from that to the ending. (The ending in the cafe in Lisbon was one of the first scenes I outlined. I wrote it and the prologue together and the rest of the story filled in between them.) So — pivot!

The other thing I’ll mention is something that didn’t get cut, exactly, but it also isn’t explored or super developed. It’s only very vaguely implied throughout both parts (which was on purpose).

I wanted to leave it up to reader discretion whether or not Oliver is actually a changeling. There are some scenes that lean heavily into a sense that something supernatural is happening. The relationship I wrote between Oliver & the Quicks is very much based in this, too. He feels like he doesn’t belong to them, they feel like he can’t really be theirs because he’s the way he is, etc. If you know to look for it, you’ll find a couple points where Oliver maybe even acknowledges it. The most overt is in the epilogue of MAD when he says “I’m only human. More or less.”

Also I’m gonna guess maybe this is an anonymous pudu asking me this bc I know a little pudu who happens to be one of the biggest cheerleaders for MAD/BOT.

[itsnotmyfaultsomepeoplecantread]

"Am I actually autistic," I whisper, while picking out half of the vegetables from my soup because they make the texture wrong. "What if everyone was right and I am just choosing to be a mess, and there isn't any other explanation for my weirdness," I say, reciting my ABCs backwards, and listening to the same song on a loop because it keeps me focused and calm. "I don't even have special interests," I say, knowing full well that I get wildly invested in specific shows/movies/information, and have re-watched a niche TV show about thieves dozens upon dozens of times because it makes me happy, and I get exhausted by too many new pieces of media.

"Are my support needs even valid," I scream, on the phone with my mom during a panic attack that was triggered by the wind unpredictably whistling through the pipes. "Is my level of social anxiety and unresponsiveness enough," I ask, thinking about how my remarkably vivid memories since the age of two are primarily filled with a life wrought with social struggles, which have never, ever gone away, even after years of practicing small talk and rehearsing conversations in my head in never-ending loops.

"What if I'm just broken," I sob, quietly, knowing that before my diagnosis, no treatments worked because my brain is functionally different, and I don't have control over what that looks like. "What that's not the answer," I say, texting my partner who sits on the couch next to me, because I have lost my words, and thinking of how no one ever noticed my verbal shutdowns because my silence was preferable to my occasional periods of babbling. "What if I'm not even autistic," I whisper, quietly, into a dark room of memories of everyone that has ever told me how deeply weird and wrong I am, but act surprised when I tell them I'm autistic.

As I ask myself these questions, I wrap myself in the perfectly-textured sweater that was the closest thing I could find to the ancient, hole-filled one I cried over when I left it on the plane at 22 years old. The sleeves of my sweater cover scars from a decade of picking at my skin. The picking helps me process the day's social interactions, and attempt to understand my own mysterious emotions.

The exhaustion it yields is unbearable. I tire of fighting to be heard, yet struggling to explain with the accuracy I desire. Of constantly hearing how everyone "is a little autistic," because I cannot possibly be disabled if I have spent years trying desperately to learn basic small talk. Because most people don't care to learn, or to reach behind the mask and see what lies beneath. They don't know me. And yet, despite their doubts, I find myself torn apart when they inevitably get frustrated by my inability to read invisible boundaries between faintly marked lines. I follow the social cues I am told to follow, and still I get it wrong.

The lack of trust builds the walls that so few have been able to breach. Even fewer remain welcome, becoming those whom I treasure with undying loyalty. I remain honest and open, my idealism and empathy wanting so desperately for people to be as good as I know they can be. But that doesn't prevent the rejections from haunting me, convincing me that my existence is wrong.

It haunts me.

So, I spiral. I think of how much I copy others, at the cost of my own identity. I think, too, of my stubborn refusal to do what everyone else is doing or is telling me to do, and of every time that I have panicked over something that no one else understood. I think of how many times I have felt like an outsider; of how many times I sought out the company of my teachers to that of my peers. I think of every test that I cried on, while others laughed at me — of how deeply depressed and angry it made me, knowing that they would never understand. And I worry that I don't even fit the standard of normal for my own diagnoses. I worry that I am this way by choice. I worry that I am judged. I worry.

But as the worry hits me like violent ocean waves, I let it wash over me until the feeling calms. And I finally let it go.

[cavinginhisfvce]

'I'll be good, Stevie..."

Paring: Harringrove.

TW: Implied/referenced child abuse and domestic violence.

(DON'T KILL ME, THINGS GET BETTER, they're not what they seem. Kinda.)

This thing between Billy and Steve was fragile.

When it first started, they stepped on each other's toes more often than not. 

Steve was always waiting for the day Billy would lash out, shove him or hit him.

No such day came, even in the most heated of arguments, Billy never so much as raised a finger in his face. He'd yell, they both did, but it never went further than that.

Steve never expected he would be the one to back the younger boy into a corner, never considered he would be the one to snap. 

It all still feels like a bad dream. Steve's hand shoving Billy when he'd gotten close enough to the younger.

The way Billy stumbled into the wall, a startled gasp leaving his lips, is forever imprinted in his brain. The look of utter betrayal and hurt his boyfriend shot in his direction was heartbreaking. The look soon morphed into one of barely concealed anxiety, and fear.

Steve still doesn't know what evoked this response out of him. He doesn't know what came over him, he truly doesn't. 

One minute they were shouting, and the next...

Billy had almost immediately began apologizing, his hands shaking as he stepped forward to grasp at Steve before letting his movements stop short, "I-I'll be good, Stevie. I'll be good, 'm sorry…"

He hadn't meant to upset Steve, hadn't meant to make the older of the two so angry he only saw violence as a means of putting Billy in his place. 

And Steve's heart just shattered. His boyfriend was begging for his forgiveness after Steve hurt him. After he hurt him in a way he swore he never would. 

But he had.

Steve's silence seemed to do nothing but send the boy spiraling further, his bottom lip wobbling as he sniffs, hands once again reaching out for Steve.

This time Steve hesitantly gathers Billy in his arms, noting how the boy almost immediately relaxed into his hold.

"Baby, I'm so fucking sorry. I should never put my hands on you...I know better than that. That's not the kind of man I am…" Billy, for his part tenses up briefly before shaking his head, "it's okay. I've had worse…" he pauses, seeming to ignore Steve's immediate interjection, "was my fault anyway. Shouldn't have started yellin'..."

The blond doesn't meet Steve's eye despite the elder's attempts, but Steve presses on.

"No! Fuck, Billy. No. It isn't your fault, it's mine. We yell at each other all the time, but what I did...I crossed a major fucking line."

Billy just shook his head, his face pressing further into Steve's neck as he let out shaky breaths. "Stevie, s'okay...I know you'd never...I know you didn't mean it. I shouldn't have gotten loud. Shouldn't have kept pressing when I knew you weren't havin' a good day.."

The elder tightens his arms around Billy's frame, only gently leaning back to make their eyes meet, "Baby, it's not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for, please listen to me…"

He pauses briefly, knows Billy is listening from the way he's tensed up in Steve's hold, "you have no idea how sorry I am, bug. I'll forever be sorry."

For a moment, the room is filled with deafening silence before Billy is peering up at the latter, his blues swarming with confusion and doubt, "what makes this any different from when we almost fought last year?" His brows were furrowed, a sign that he was well and truly at a loss and not attempting to rile Steve up. 

Steve takes a breath, lips pursed as he mulls the question over. "We weren't dating then, Billy. Back then, we were just two dumbasses about to fight. But, this…" he cups the boy's cheek, relief flooding his system when Billy shows no signs of discomfort, and instead leans into the touch, "Us...it's not acceptable. You're supposed to be safe with me, you should never be afraid I'll hurt you, like he does…"

The 'He' in question being the blond's shitty father. The sole reason Billy is so willing to forgive Steve for this slip up. Neil Hargrove is the reason for most of Billy's tears, self doubt and general pain in life. 

Steve always vowed to be the opposite of him. He was soft where Neil was harsh and unrelenting. He was warm whereas Neil closely resembles a frozen tundra. 

But, somehow, Steve lost that about himself, no matter how brief, he'd been all too close to being the man Billy feared most in the world.

"Gods, Blue Bird, I will never stop making up for this. I'll never give you another reason to feel unsafe with me. I swear.."

The shorter leans up, quickly pressing a kiss to Steve's lips, the action so feather-like Steve could've imagined it, before he's nodding once. "I know...I trust you, Stevie. M'not afraid of you. Could never be." If not for the fact Billy never broke eye contact, Steve could've easily written it off as him trying to placate his nerves, or sweep an uncomfortable situation under the rug. 

But, as blues held browns, the only thing that was brighter than the love in Billy's eyes, was the truth. 

He wasn't afraid of Steve. 

That felt like enough to have Steve relaxing into their embrace, another apology spilling from his lips as Billy molded their bodies together.

They had shit to work on, that's for sure. But he knew he was safe. He knew that should he decide this relationship was going down, Billy would jump ship with little thought. He'd keep himself safe even if it meant losing Steve. 

[arcanemadman]

How exactly is Subhuman lyrical character assassination for Dante?

Ok. I'm not looking forward to writing this but…

So you've probably seen that there are some mixed opinions on this particular song, so allow me to clarify. I would like to preface this by stating that Subhuman is one of the few things in the world that I feel genuine hatred toward, which is either amusing to think about or outright pathetic. I actually can't listen to any part of the song without feeling anxiety or anger. As such, I have avoided listening to the song again.

First of, lets talk about the original version of the song. The original was sung by suicide silence, who at one point a popular deathcore band until the death of their main vocalist, after which they spiraled into disaster and alienating their fan base. Their version on the song, without exaggeration, sounded like pigs squealing. High pitched, badly mixed music by a washed out band who's new main vocalist also happened to be a pedo. These factors culminated into the song, upon being released, getting over 13,000 dislikes before the video was deleted from YouTube. Seriously, when people first did listens like you do they were, at best, laughing.

So they replace the vocalist, problem solved right? No. This is actually the second attempt by composer cody matthew johnson at a theme for Dante, the first being a remix of Devils Never Cry for Marvel vs Capcom Infinite, and is largely considered the worst and only bad version of the song. And when advertising this song on his website, he advertised it as the theme of "the foul mouthed anti-hero" Dante, AKA reboot Dante.

In other words, he made it for the wrong character. Johnsons reaction to the backlash was to throw a tantrum and saying he's "happy to stir the pot", ignoring the fact that the original version was actually painful to listen to (this isn't hyperbole, seriously don't take my word for it and listen to the original version and you'll get what I mean) and the fact that it was sung by a pedophile. Recently he also related the backlash he got to the abuse targeted at actress Lily Gao for her performance in the Resident Evil 4 remake, which is deeply insulting considering she was subjected to racist abuse and harassed off social media.

And even then, the song itself good for what it's supposed to be. As a character theme, it's character regression for Dante. It's an angry, spiteful song that goes on about how Dante struggles with this evil inside him, how he hates all demonkind and how he's a rage filled monster that tears through everything in his way. But that's not Dante. At one point, Dante did have anger towards demons and hate that part of himself, but his character ark in Devil May Cry 3 was accepting that part of himself and growing as a person. DMC3 is a prequel, mind you. In universe, he got over those feelings over 25 years ago.

When faced with demons, he often offers to show them mercy even if they don't accept, because he knows that just as any human can do evil, any devil can do good. He spares Trish in DMC1, a demon created for the sole purpose of killing him, and in turn she becomes his trusted friend. In DMC2, he refuses to let Lucia kill herself because her fear of hurting humans proves she's not a monster to him. In the anime, he's hired to kill a demon called Brad and instead finds him in a bar, talks with him to figure out what his deal was, and then helped Brad protect his human girlfriend and kill his demonic master. In fact, he's far more merciful to demonic enemies than his human ones, who he kills without ever offering mercy, because at its core those that give up their humanity are worse than those that never had it to begin with.

That's mainly it. The thesis statement of the entire series is this - The human ability to care for others, to love someone, be it family, friend, or romance. If you care enough to cry, THAT is what makes you human. Dante is powerful not just because of the demonic power of his father, but because of the human heart of his mother. He is the son of both Sparda and Eva, and he's proud of that. But the very title of subhuman contradicts the entire point of the series. It implies he is less than human, but he's not more human or more demon, he's both, and that's the point of him as a character. Vergil rejected his humanity, while Dante embraced it. He's reached an equilibrium in his soul and grown as a person, embodying both worlds as a devil with ability to cry. Subhuman doesn't focus on Dante's humanity at all, it's all about how he's inhuman.

You remember how in Devils Never Cry the harder and softer lyrics are separate and initially clash, representing his demon and human halves, but in the end they come together into a singular song, representing Dante's acceptance of both sides of himself. There's none of that nuance in this song.

And removing the character assassination, it's just not a good representation of Dante. As I said it feels angry and violent, but Dante is charming and stylish. Of course he does have some resentment to aspects of his life, at times wishing he could have a normal life, but he enjoys what he's got. With the other character themes, the lyrics feel like something the characters would say in battle; With Devil Trigger, I can see Nero smirking and shouting "Bang, bang, bang! Pull my devil trigger!" as he throttles his sword as his enemies charge at him. With Crimson Cloud, V talking in poetry all the time so "Saviour! Bloodstain! Hellfire! Shadow! Heaven on a landslide!" sounds like something he'd read out to himself as his demons tore up the battle. And with Bury the Light, Vergil would totally proclaim "I am the storm that is approaching!" before unleashing a devastating attack.

But with Dante, who taunts by throwing a rose at his enemies, laughing and pointing, and playfully beckoning at his enemies to keep trying their best, I can't see that person screaming at the top of their lungs in fury "YOU CANNOT KILL ME!" Dante isn't someone who feels the need to prove anything to himself or his enemies. It's part of his charm that powerful demons will fight him, expecting a respectful battle with the son of the legendary Sparda, but instead they get their ass beat by an idiot more interested in seeing what he can do with a hodgepodge of weapons than taking things seriously. And when he does get serious, it's more quite, closer to "you've got my attention and I'll make you regret it." It's too insecure. A better line would be something like "Just try to kill me!" but even then, it's still screaming. There's no subtlety here.

None of this is helped by the fact that the song is so plodding. The low BPM makes it feel plodding, and while I'm certainly no expert on music that sort of feeling hurts in a game as fast as DMC, especially for Dante, who while not as fast as Vergil is by far the most chaotic character to play as. Teleporting, swapping guns, swapping weapons, swapping styles, Dante has over 100 potential actions that can loop into each other freely. Subhuman doesn't capture how chaotic it feels to play as Dante. It's going for the power fantasy of Kratos, an unstoppable juggernaut as opposed to the power fantasy of a stylish showdown. You don't play as Dante to strike fear into demonkind, you play him to see just what bullshit you can get away with even in the most dire situations.

That is ultimately why Subhuman fails and betrays Dante as a character.

I'll admit, from my personal experience I tried everything to get myself to like the song. I listened to every edit trying to salvage it, every version that changed it up, all hoping that Dante would get the theme he deserved. But I think that's why I hate it so much now. I desperately wanted it to be good. But at it's core, the song is fundamentally flawed it what it sets out to do, represent Dante as a character, and it needed a full overhaul that was never realistic within the time frame of it being revealed to the public and the games release. Honestly, after what he did to Devils Never Cry they should never have given Dantes theme to someone as inexperienced as cody and his works before and since have been middling at best. But he was the real thing that killed subhuman for me. Anyone that listened to the original version knows it was BAD, but he acted like he was a visionary who was too smart for the rest of us and ignoring all criticism including, need I remind you, HIRING A PEDOPHILE. The recent thing with Lily Gao I find particularly infuriating because what she has been going through is unquestionably awful, yet he made it about himself. As if a white composer who complained about the whole thing on twitter suffered the same abuse as an asian woman who was chased off social media. That inability to self reflect on anything and blaming everyone that disagrees with you is just arrogance in the end.

I always get really angry whenever I think about this song. If I had the same passion for writing things I actually cared about I'd be an acclaimed author by now. I don't like how much I think about this song so much. As I said at the state hating a song this much is either amusing or pathetic. But Dante is a character that holds a certain importance for who I am so I care more than I should. I know not everyone had the same experience I have, or don't really care about the music so long as the game is fine, but the music in Devil May Cry has always been spectacular, and the character themes have been brilliant ways to prove who the characters are deep down. So for Dante, the face of the series, to be stuck with the worst one in the entire series in the grand return of the series until the next game comes around… it's fucking infuriating.

[corazondefae]

9-18-24: Processing

I got vaxxed twice today! Woo!

It was my first time ever getting the flu vaccine and I got the new COVID vaccine as well! I'm both hoping I have side effects so I can call out tomorrow and hoping I don't so I don't have to call out tomorrow because I need money...

I had therapy earlier today and it really got me thinking about how much my mental health truly affects my every day life.

My nervous system is trying to heal itself. I'm no longer in an environment where I have to be on edge 24/7. I'm not going into details but a year ago I experienced something very traumatic. I witnessed violence within my family and I had to keep it together as there were young kids in the house at the time.

This experience truly shattered my world. Even now, I don't know how I got through it and I'm still processing everything that happened. I took two days off of work and then went back. Sure, I was depressed and everybody could see, but I was working to distract myself from my terrible home life. Now that I've moved out with my husband I'm learning how to live instead of survive.

I'm in the process of getting an official PTSD diagnosis, which is wild to say. I always felt like I never went through "enough trauma" (whatever that means) in order to officially be diagnosed. Yes, I've experienced traumatic events in my life, but surely that doesn't mean I have PTSD...right? (Wrong!)

I'm also processing my feelings towards referring to myself as disabled. Physically, I'm mostly fine. However, my mental health really does affect my every day life and I never noticed it until recently.

My mental health has greatly impacted my nervous system, daily functioning, relationships with others, and ability to do essential tasks such as showering, going to work, completing my associate's, taking care of myself.

---

Lets go through some things my mental illnesses do for me, shall we?:

OCD - Makes me anxious every waking moment due to constant intrusive thoughts, avoidance of certain places or actions (ex: eating) due to fear of my intrusive thoughts becoming reality, avoidance of loved ones if they are dealing with something that triggers my OCD, spending up to hours cleaning and washing anything I've deemed "contaminated" (especially my hands), constant reassurance-seeking in intentional and unintentional ways all the time, a few times I've started spiraling and almost started to believe I was hallucinating an entirely different reality to the "real" one

PTSD - Anxiety in my home to the point I was taking Melatonin every night so I could leave as soon as possible in the morning, constantly being on edge to the point where the TV being too loud made me drop everything so I could check it was just the TV and not people screaming at each other, remembering traumatic situations so many times, actively triggers my OCD as well so I have obsessions related to my trauma, too anxious to do tasks even in a safe environment because I'm afraid that one day something terrible will happen which leaves me depressed as well, constant stress since the situation was never resolved, constant guilt, I still shake and my voice wavers when I talk about it

PMDD - THE IRRITABILITY AND RAGE OH MY!, constantly talking myself off the edge while in the middle of my workday, work ethic goes down significantly due to how miserable I feel, short but terrible depressive episodes starting around two weeks before my cycle, getting angry at others for no reason to the point I can't recognize myself sometimes (luckily I'm pretty good at keeping the anger in), not having motivation to do anything, have to leave work early sometimes which has wrecked my PTO

---

I think I needed to write that down so I don't feel like I'm overreacting. My pain is valid. My mental pain is valid. And it would still be valid if it didn't significantly alter my life.

I'm doing all that I can to be better. I am so much better than I was and I want to be better than I am now. But I need to allow myself to wallow in my pain as well. I cannot let it consume me but I cannot cage it either. I guess that's what I'm doing right now.

---

Other than that, today has been less productive than I wanted it to be! I still need to go grocery shopping. Too late to do that today :(

I tried doing my nails today but I tried a new method and it did NOT work out well! I'll try again on my next day off.

I leave you all with my latest obsession: Sabrina Carpenter

[1d1195]

Hi Sam!! I feel like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve talked to you even though I think it’s been just a couple of days 😭 I’ll explain in another ask bc it’s gonna be another long ramble lol btw I don’t feel any pressure responding back so don’t worry! I WANT to chat always!

ANYWAYS so I have just finished reading part two and three of honey and bestie IM OBSESSED!!! FOAMING AT THE MOUTH FOR CEORRY!! I need him badly like idc when will it be me?!? Anyways LOVED seeing jealous Harry it’s so hilarious when it’s with Niall like I love their banter! But ngl I love seeing Harry spiral over another guy 🤭 but also fuck the guy the MC went on a date with bc that’s so not cool!!! Also the MC is just so perfect like she so good with Cece my heart hurts from how cute it is! Now that little dream that Harry had was WILD and I didn’t expect that lol AHH loved part two!

Now part three omg! The drama of it all omg! LOVED IT! The fact that they ended in the hospital and the way Harry talked to her… she’s braver than me bc I would absolutely start crying! And then I would just be so angry bc I’m stubborn and will simply not let a man talk to me like that 😁 BUT this is ceorry so he gets a pass bc i need him badly🙄 plus I would be terrified if my child was in that position! But omg don’t get me started on her catching him basically looking so lovesick and gone for her 😭 Anyways ugh omg she’s just so perfect omg and I kinda loved that Harry was missing her a bit when she was away! And bestie you know loved that Harry had to suffer a bit hearing Niall’s convo her her🤭

Ahhh LOVED PART THREE! Also so loving this slow burn effect on this story, I’m obsessed! You’re so amazing!

Btw can’t believe I missed two polls for honey😭 bestie my vote would have been for a cliffhanger bc I love the suspense!!

The way academic rivals MC will be grumpy… IM GONNA EAT IT UP!! And I’m so excited to see exactly what you’ve been hinting at for future stories!

Grocery shopping is a personal hell sometimes lol I guess the best way to describe it is that it can get a bit overwhelming/overstimulating depending on how crowded and the overall vibe of the store I’m in. Some days I can handle it better than others lol I’m sure everyone was so over being stuck inside during Covid so I don’t blame lol I actually prefer doing dishes but I do agree baking is definitely preferred than cooking!

I never was classified as “gifted” through exams bc I literally have terrible test anxiety that I don’t do well lol BUT I was definitely always considered a higher performing student even though test like that didn’t technically show it. And bestie you’re so smart like you don’t even know!!!(Also I have beef with standardized test like that but tbh that’s a whole other topic lol) but knowing how much of a hard worker you are it makes sense that you’re sadly going through some sort of burn out. I’ve realized it happens more often and sometimes it’s really hard to get out of. Lowkey I’ve been so burned out since I was like 18 ish and have been just trying to barely function lol. So I can totally get how frustrating all of this may feel!

I can assure you that people do care about what you write! And I’m being honest when I say if you ever choose to publish whether it be through self publishing or traditional, you absolutely have the potential to succeed in that! Bestie I swear the stories that you put out already exceed works that are already published! And you’ve mentioned how you want to indulge in longer stories(I support it!) so I feel like if you find a story line you like or even revamping a current one you’ll be amazing! I know engagement is so weird rn bc the culture has kinda changed. As well as how some people view writers and stuff which sucks. But you are so loved and so are your stories! But always do what’s best honestly!

Alsoooo hope your first week back teaching went amazing! You know that I’m sending you love!!!-💜

OH MA'AM I'm ALWAYS going to answer all your asks no matter the length! I was thinking our communication was a little delayed! No worries at all (I'll address why and such in the other ask too!)

FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. Same. I think Niall's harmless towards Harry (in all my stories) it's why I enjoy it so much. I know you weren't a huge 1D fan but there's this clip of an interview or something when they're in a car and basically Niall's like "Ireland is the best city in the world" and Harry goes "No." and then looks out the window wistfully. 😭 So I've just been riding that banter for my whole life it seems. I love an overprotective man 😍 one of my favorite tropes. "Touch her and die" = me swooning. YES. Idk I thought the dream was cute hehehe

I WOULD HAVE SOBBED. My alternate timeline for this story would be that one scene and she just has a full blown sob-fest and begs Harry to keep her job and then he feels like an ASS and probably asks her to marry him right there (and then Honey is done half way through part 3) HAHAHAHA He's so lovesick, so gone. He's fucked. I love making Harry suffer 😈 I'm glad you like the slow burn 💕 and that's good to know about your votes regardless. I didn't mean to do the second one, but I thought it was worth asking! I know you don't mind the suspense!

YES I do LOVE a grumpy male lead, but as a stubborn female STEM student, I think she has WAY more cause to be grumpy than him. I haven't hinted at many of the future ones, but def one of them. Probs been like six months though. Hopefully it'll make sense when it comes around hehehe

NO grocery shopping is absolutely overwhelming. I'm just INSANE. In New England we have Market Basket and if you haven't been there good for you. Best grocery prices in the world but there are SO many people there all the time and someone is ALWAYS in my way. Doesn't matter what time of day. If I didn't want to save $ i wouldn't go.

Test anxiety is the worst! I watch so many of my students struggle with it. I got nervous over some tests but I was fortunate that I didn't get too overwhelmed (shocking, tbh, something had to give I guess). I'm always trying to think of strategies to help my students with it. I also did a whole research proposal on math/test anxiety in grad school. The "experts" recommend journaling before an exam (but you gotta be kind to yourself and manifest that you'll do well) which was NOT for me because I was like "I'm confident" i'm not going to do well. My AP Bio tests?! Holy cow. DAMN. Those were a bitch.

Not to sound like 100 years old, but when I was in college I remember by the time I was in grad school I was like "holy shit this is endless" I was exhausted. No reading, no writing. Nothing. It was just endless school assignments and work. BUT now I have TIME to do things I like so I actually think my burn out is entirely 'better' than the one I had in college. Not sure if that's hopeful for you or not.

You are the best and sweetest 💕

Work was good! I'm cautiously optimistic at the moment but trying not to jinx it nor get my expectations too high.

Lots of love for you too 💕

xoxo

[dulcedebusse]

Three months on T babyyyyy

Wanted to share my experience as a hesitant nonbinary person on low (currently 1/4) dose T. This will be long but I'll try to organize.

Body:

-- Overall fat distribution and weight loss. I got cut in like three weeks flat? I think this is due in part to me not knowing how to eat properly with an increased metabolism. But for real. I lost the fat on my arms that had never gone away even on a good work out plans (and ffff even when I was anorexic). I lost most of the little pouch below my belly button. Fat from my legs, gone my dude just GONE. I'm eating properly now and these changes have stayed. I don't work out at all these days but I magically have more definition. I'm ecstatic.

-- Bottom growth. Yes right on day 2 even on low dose. I had a little growth spurt in the first three weeks, during which I was very sensitive and very horny (challenging combination). Since this growth spurt, nothing has changed and the sensitivity has gone down; I'm actually less sensitive than I was before. For me this is great because it was previously very easy to get overstimulated there in a bad/painful way. Hoping for another growth spurt soon. It's CUTE and I LOVE IT.

-- Body hair: no changes as far as I can tell. Maybe some of it grows a little faster. I've let the few hairs I have below my belly button grow out for the first time ever, and I think it's pretty cute.

-- Voice: no change as far as I can tell. Two coworkers did comment on my voice today but I am also sick.

-- Sweat: I notice my palms sweat more often, otherwise no change. This is kind of positive for me since before they'd only sweat if I was an anxiety goo blob; now it's just kind of a normal thing so I no longer associate it with that state.

-- Period: My first one on T was so minor and I got excited. Less mood swings, less pain. The second one... put me down. It was absolutely horrible, extremely painful with bad moodswings, and my dysphoria went through the roof. This was the first time in my life I considered calling out of work for it. I have since started BC to stop my period because my T dose is too low to affect it--that came with a host of other things to deal with. Wish me luck.

-- Chronic pain: I have pretty bad back pain and hold a lot of tension in my shoulders and hips. I also have tendonitis and my hands often hurt like crazy in the cold or after I wake up. All of this has decreased significantly. My shoulders aren't crunchy! I would have had to do 1 hr of yoga per day to minimize my pain this much beforehand. (Have tested this.) I am amazed. I needed this so so badly.

Mind / mood:

-- Hunger: yes I'm hungry! Almost all the time! But it's also more manageable. Previously hunger would make me nauseous, angry, overall not functional. Now it's just plain hunger and it's pretty easy to take care of. I had some ED history so its amazing to just eat food that tastes good and feel good about it.

-- Irritability: a lot of people warned me about this but for me it's been very minor. I have noticed that in conflict I am more likely to not turn everything inward, which is actually pretty positive. (For example if I get crap at work, I'm more likely to write it off on the other person rather than have a breakdown in the bathroom and blame myself and spiral).

-- Sadness: I still feel normal levels of sad about things that are sad. I cry less about dumb stuff, but I still cry about serious stuff. I have depression and I do feel like it presents slightly differently--more just numbness, less sobbing.

-- Dysphoria: my day to day dysphoria has significantly decreased. When I do get dysphoria, it is much much worse.

-- Energy: I have more energy! Which is amazing because the main thing my depression does is take all my energy away. This has leveled off but in the beginning it was a very significant change.

Ok that's all I can think of. Feel free to ask me questions.

I'm so happy I'm doing this for myself. It's a very low dose, and I'm sure many people would prefer faster/greater changes, but thus far this has been so right for me. I'm choosing to participate in the creation of my self. For the first time in my life, I'm not chasing satisfaction to only end up with dissociation.

✌️