#only putting that tag in case anyone experiencing similar can see this and see they might not have a tic disorder

[thementalhealthdisaster]

Ages ago I started telling people I was experiencing tics. Because I was experiencing tic-like behaviour. It happened often when I was anxious or stressed. And I started trying to see if anxious tics were a real thing.

(they aren't, tics can get more frequent/bigger? With anxiety tho)

And when I started thinking about it, I knew this likely wasn't a tic disorder. It'd happened before and gone away. It has since calmed down significantly and I can go a long time without having them. They also don't feel how people describe tics.

So, what do I think they are?

Honestly? I'm not a doctor and I don't know. But I do have a theory. My "tics" were often a head jerk or drop followed by a vocal sound and/or hitting myself (usually the head). While I often couldn't stop these, I could redirect them.

(I could also trigger them by thinking about them. That doesn't fit neatly in any part of my explanation, but it doesn't disprove anything either so it's staying there.)

Like I said, they felt connected to anxiety and stress.

I'm undiagnosed autistic. I've always called what I now know are sometimes meltdowns and shutdowns, anxiety attacks.

My theory is, that my autistic brain was forcing me to stim in some way to process emotions and get through meltdowns and shutdowns. My brain causing me to have involuntary movements (that I could redirect as sounds or other movements) in an attempt to prevent a more severe meltdown.

I also hit myself in meltdowns. So that part is similar. It often happened worse right before and during meltdowns. It happened minorly but a lot while driving, something that causes me anxiety. It was happening the most during a time where I was trapped at my parents and extremely suicidal. I'd often have meltdowns or panic attacks on the way home. I was almost always emotionally exhausted...

I think my brain was desperate for me to Do Something. To stop sitting completely still and filled to the brim with fear. It needed me to jerk and whistle and pop and hit myself to deal with those feelings.

I think.

Like I said, I'm not a doctor.

[its-wabby-stuff]

Mikey Goes To Oz

<Time spent: 49 hours 17 minutes>

When Mikey takes some time away from a loud family squabble he accidentally ends up getting “flushed” down the sewers. This winds up sending him to the colorful land of Oz where he meets a good witch, a wicked witch, a brainless scarecrow, a heartless Tinman, a cowardess lion, and a powerful wizard, all disguised behind very familiar faces.

A canon adjacent spin off set before the season one finale but after they discover Splinter is Lou Jitsu

I wanted to fit each of the boys into their “you’ve had this all along” category. Leo isn’t brainless, in fact he’s pretty clever with a street smart, people reading ability on par with Donnie’s intelligence. Donnie isn’t heartless, he just has a tough time expressing his feelings. They are complex and unalgorithic but he can get just as excited or sad or angry as anyone, as much as he may deny it. Raph isn’t a coward, but being brave sometimes means admitting you’re scared and that you maybe don’t have all the answers. You dont have to be strong all the time and you don’t have to do it by yourself.

In the movie Dorothy’s journey home is also a representation of her running away. The important thing was to remember there were people who cared about her. Mikey is experiencing a similar phenomenon, wanting the escape the bad vibes in the lair. His “you’ve had it all along” is interesting because it is an object, since the Ruby kneepads could’ve taken him home the whole time. And sometimes getting home means going on a journey only to realize you never left.

I put April as Glinda because Glinda appears as a defender of the weak, and I see April in a similar light. Always willing to help and beat someone up if it is so required. Splinter as The Wizard of Oz represents Splinters own willingness to hide behind different personas, his running from the past and the pulling back of the curtain for Mikey in timeline. The Wizard grows through the movie, albeit quickly, and ends up leaving Oz to go home leaving his legacy with the scarecrow, the Tinman, and the lion. In this case the passing of the baton to his sons.

Meanwhile Draxum as the wicked witch felt much more how Mikey sees Draxum at this time in the show, mostly just an antagonistic force who wants something from them. Fun fact: I imagine throughout this dream, Draxum is uninterested in being the wicked witch but is pressed into it via plot. Hence his disinterest in being “melted.”

Additional characters not pictured: Big Mama as the Wicked Witch of the East (those were her Ruby kneepads!!) and Todd as the Mayor of Munchkin Land. If you can think of more, feel free to leave them in the comments or tags.

[jessiemeows]

Kinky NSFW Alphabet:

Thank you for the tag @bananasfosterparent!!!!!

No pressure tag: @queerdrow, @preciouslittle-bhaalbabe, @ anyone who wants to do it lolol sorry if i tagged you & you already did it ://

This took me longer to do than I thought lol

Amaya & Astarion

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Amaya is a huge cuddler after sex and likes to play with Astarion’s curls giving his soft little kisses on his forehead. Before the tadpole she was basically a siren and would use sex to then sacrifice her partners for Bhaal but because of this it doesn't mean she never had a partner before! She had one partner who tried to help her escape Bhaal and then of course there was Gortash lol. Astarion on the other hand I believe was shocked when she first began to cuddle with him on the first night they slept together but eventually, he ended up loving it and now demands for cuddles afterwards lol.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Hmmmmmmmmmm, Amaya loves every bit of Astarion but if she had to pick one specific part it would either be his ears or his hands. Sometimes she gets cute aggression and just wants to chomp on his pointy little ears. She loves his hands because of how strong they are and also what he can do with them.

I believe Astarion is probably the same way loves every bit of her but if he had to pick he’s torn between her freckles, her ass or her tail. He thinks she's SOOO cute with the amount of freckles she has and loves how from the time off the nautiloid to post game they have darkened so much. Her tail because he can see how she really feels throughout her tail, when she's angry it starts to whip around a little bit or when shes scared her tail wraps around her legs. And her ass bc well he is an ass man lol.

C = Cum (Where does your muse prefer to cum/have someone cum?)

They both prefer when Astarion cums inside Amaya. Those two end up having 5 kids after game events lmao so my guy doesn't have good pull out game.

D = Dirty secret (Pretty self explanatory: a dirty secret of theirs)

I actually don’t think they have any :3 Maybe that they kept their relationship a secret for a while mainly because Amaya knew Gale was into her but didn’t want to hurt his feelings (didn't want him to blow up lol). When he found out about the relationship a lot of shit happened where Astarion and Gale did not like each other for a bit :/ They do end up being very good friends though after the rough patch.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

I think they have similar backgrounds, they both brought victims to Bhaal or Cazador. In Amaya’s case she's a little different than Astarion, she barely remembers what happened but still experiences dissociation when something happens like if someone starts to hit on her or tries something then her brain just stops working. 

F = Favorite position (This goes without saying)

Missionary or cowgirl style. Astarion prefers missionary with his head buried into her neck or even reverse cowgirl the first few times so he could avoid having her see him not fully be there but after the first 2 times he realizes he enjoys it thoroughly with only her and that's when he LOOOOOVES staring into her eyes as they both fall apart within one another.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

Depends on the day lol they have very serious “I’m so in love with you, no one else is for me but you” like after the battle with Orin and Amaya died kind of day, or having makeup sex after Astarion and Amaya had an argument (they love each other deeply but those two butt heads a lot especially how Amaya puts everyone but herself first lol) orrrrrr they are just being big goobers and one makes a joke during it and they both end up laughing hard.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

They are both groomed well.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect)

Most of the time it's giggly and fun, like I said previously it really depends on the day but I like to think it's mainly laughs but pure sweetness and lovey-dovey.

J = Jack off (Masturbation headcanon)

They deffffff touched themselves whenever they thought about one another in early game. They had a slow start to their relationship and would kiss a lot before the tiefling party. I think after a steamy makeout sesh they would go their own tents and masturbate on their own. 

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

dom/sub kink, Amaya loves being submissive to Astarion and will obey every command he gives her in bed and Astarion loves having the power to do so.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

In game they prefer to do it in their shared tent (Amaya’s tent basically becomes his tent after the tiefling party). I don’t think either of them is keen on doing it again on the forest ground LMAO. It certainly wouldn't stop them though, they had quickies in the Underdark, and mountain pass. After game, it would probably be their shared bed or any room in their mansion. (Astarion used his magistrate degree to get a good deal on a mansion just outside the upper city :3)

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going?)

Hmmm, for Astarion probably anything Amaya does he thinks is attractive. When she gives into her little bhaalspawn self is probably when he gets the most motivated. That's when she intimidates people lol, shes very funny when she intimidates people too. When she told a dwarf that they were going to fly out of the tower if they said another word to her when they were going to fight Cazador was probably when he realized how turned on he gets when she's finally being mean to others LOL. 

Amaya gets motivated when Astarion is being genuine with her. Soft little moments when they are spending time with one another like if he’s reading to her in their shared tent and is making silly voices to go along with the story is when she gets the most turned on by him. It's because he can be himself around her without putting on a show.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

They are monogamous so they would never ever share with someone else. I headcannon Astarion being very jealous so if they were to share then that would send Astarion into a frenzy. Amaya of course is also jealous whenever someone tries to hit on Astarion but it's not like when Astarion gets jealous. There had been quite a few fights between the two regarding this but it was mainly because Astarion didn’t know how to process jealousy because well he never experienced it until he met Amaya. He HATED when every party member tried to hit on Amaya, the man was literally seething lol. It's why he does not get along with Halsin at all because everyone else backed off when they made their relationship somewhat official in Act 2 and the man still tried it with Amaya.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Both love receiving and giving, Astarion prefers to give more and tease Amaya a lot.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Again, it depends on the day. Its usually slow and sensual in the beginning but then becomes fast and rough towards the end.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

They enjoy them! They had a lot of quickies early game and resumed the quickies after Cazador died. Like Lae’zel said the two can’t keep their hands off one another.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

Hmmmmmm, I don’t think so. They like to keep it simple and to be sure neither one of them gets overwhelmed if they were to take risks.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

Astarion can go for a long time, Amaya can too but probably after the 3 round is when they call quits. Mainly to be sure neither one of their heads go to a bad place. The two beans have a lot of trauma :(

T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

In the game no they do not, but doesn’t mean they aren’t open to getting any after game!

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

Astarion is the king of teasing Amaya, but thats fine becauase Amaya gets back at him most of the time hehe.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Astarion knows how to make Amaya scream his name. Astarion on the other hand I think is fairly quiet, but will moan and groan when he can no longer hold it in.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Ahhhh my fave headcanon is they both gain a little weight throughout the game and also post-game :)))))

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Amaya, despite being very thin in act 1 and 2 is still very curvy and when she gains weight it really accentuates her curves. Astarion, we know what he looks like lol but by act 3 and post game he has gained some weight and you could probably tell. His figure is fuller and his cheeks are a little chubby lol. I always headcanon that Cazador gets very mad when he realizes that Astarion had been finally feeding.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Pretty high but also not?? Idk if that makes sense like they both crave one another all the time but they could probably go months without having sex especially if either one of them needs time to heal.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Amaya falls asleep cuddling him usually. Astarion usually trances for a bit but mainly he is holding her and probably watching her snooze away. Amaya before durge events in act 3 had really bad nightmares and would sometimes try to kill in her sleep. Astarion likes to keep watch over her so she doesn't 1 try to kill him lol and 2 make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Unfortunately, this has caused her to accidentally stab him in the arm a few times or he had to manhandle her to stop sleepwalking or shake her awake if he can tell she's having a really bad dream which happened more often than it should. 

After game events of course she still gets night terrors but she no longer sleep kills but I think out of habit Astarion will always watch over her. He was always protective of the little murder baby.

[pseudowho]

hi haitch!! I’m making my way through your mlist rn and it’s soooo good, thank you for the food 🙏🏼 i have a Q for you ! I’m getting back into writing myself, but i feel like i don’t have any set approach to writing fic. do you mind sharing what your process is like? do you outline beforehand or just rawdog a first pass? or does it all just fall out on the page, fully formed? I’m curious how the master goes about it :)

Thank you so much as always 💕💕 but I'm no Master.

So from reading what other people put about their writing process, I think I'm a bit of an odd outlier.

I think overall I fit into the "fall out onto the page fully formed" type.

So for context:

I'm a pretty experienced imaginary world builder I think, like a lot of people here. I've been doing it as a means of escape since I was 6 or 7 years old. And the plot and details of my imaginary world had to be up to a scratch even then. It can't stay if it's not true to the plot, characters, etc.

I tell nobody about these worlds.

I'm an experienced academic writer and researcher, and I also run the first and second edits on my husband's books before he sends them on. I think words come fairly naturally to me.

Stories tend to come to me like movie scenes. I write them like I'm watching the movie in my head and typing down what I see, hear, feel, smell.

Once I know a character as a person, I can understand them enough to know what they're going to say in a given situation.

I tend to make my banners, descriptions, layouts, tags, etc. before I start writing. It makes the writing feel more 'complete' as I do it.

The actual writing process:

I only have a loose plot idea, if any, when I start.

See the movie-- write the movie.

I edit sentence by sentence. I try to catch any immediate typos. I see if it flows from one sentence to the next. I see if everyone is in the right location, if the pacing matches the scene, etc. I check to see that it sounds as I see it.

I tend to do it all in the evenings as I have little to no daytime to myself. I tend to do it in one sitting, maybe two for a very long piece.

I do it all on my phone, either directly into Tumblr drafts or a notepad app (which is also why I have no word counts).

I drink non-stop tea.

If I didn't read back once it's all done, it would be very similar to the final piece I put out. I don't tend to "draft". I just recheck for spelling, grammar and the occasional word choice.

I post 🏣

I delight in everyone's lovely responses. I often then reread my own fics, re-editing for typos which my friends on here sometimes point out for me too.

Another bit of context, in case anyone is interested; 99% sure I'm totally neurotypical. Was once described as 'disgustingly neurotypical' by my sister.

So, yeah. I hope that helps. But I feel like it probably won't. Saying "my first draft is basically what gets put out" feels like such a disgusting brag because I know people spend hours drafting and redrafting. It's why I wouldn't necessarily share that unless someone asked.

Love, as always,

-- Haitch xxx

[elijahkelly]

2/12/2023

3:04am. I'm laying here trying to sleep but my brain won't shut off. Didn't take melatonin tonight so my body is probably struggling to put itself to sleep without help.

Had a moment where I did not feel safe. Small panic attack, I was feeling very distressed, like I was in danger. It was very reminiscent of the feeling I associated with laying in bed in one of mom's old apartments late at night, Scooby Doo playing on the tv, and all of a sudden the room got really bright as a truck pulled up and parked, it's headlights shining right through the window. I felt very unsafe then, and I felt that way tonight.

Going home tomorrow. Or today, I guess. Haven't been home since my sister, brother in law, niece, two nephews, and their dog moved out of my dad's house. I have to go fill out a thing so my dad can file my taxes, Dylan needs to get his new car tags from his parents, and I want to go see my sister's new house.

My mind has been coming back to how much things have changed a lot recently. Thinking about how I used to see my family almost every day, now I'm lucky if I see them more than once a month. I used to work cleaning the gym back at home, now I'm a part-time manager of a sub-division of my department, part-time drag queen who has almost completed their bachelors in Psychology. So many people I used to know are like strangers to me, and I've met so many amazing new people. Like Osvaldo.

Ozzy is very important in my life right now. He helps to distinguish the relationships the "old me" formed from the relationships the "new me" has formed. He's quickly become one of my best friends. We talk about everything, hang out a lot, and poke fun at each other all the time. He reminds me that I do bring something to the table that gives me value enough to keep around. He's my favorite person that I've met since I started college. He helps me retain my childhood through interests we share, while also helping me to grow up. We smoked weed together recently, and it was my first time smoking real weed before. I got to do it with him and it was a real bonding moment.

In case you haven't noticed, if anyone's reading this, I kinda just let my mind wander and say what it wants to.

I need to talk about the future, because I'm scared of it and I need to rationalize it. Starting with school. I have less than three semesters of college left, and I have hardly a clue what I want to do after that. I've played with the idea of grad school, getting my masters so I don't have to have a space between. If I can get all of my school business out of the way, that'd be ideal. But what about a job? I don't know what I want to do or how I'm going to do it, which is horrifying. And I'm running out of time. Dylan's going through a similar thought process at the moment.

It feels like Dylan and I are in a weird space right now. Our relationship feels "gray," and that's the best way I can describe it. I love him, I know that I do, but I think I'm getting bored. I love him to death, and I don't want to lose him, but I feel constrained. I never had a real dating phase of my life. Yeah, relationships would come and go, but before Dylan I had never been in a relationship for more than a month. Now we've just passed two years and I'm so happy for that. But, in all honesty, a small part of me feels kinda robbed of the experience of dating in college, figuring things out, adventuring. He's my only sexual partner I've ever had, so I don't know if the sex we're having is good or if there's something I'm missing. I pined for him the first four years I knew him, so it's essentially like we've been dating for six years. And maybe it's supposed to feel this way, but it feels like we've hit a slump. Nothing really interesting is going on. Idk, I'm not sure if I'm experiencing a normal part of relationships or what, but I know for certain that I don't want Dylan to go anywhere.

I feel an intense feeling inside that something tragic is going to happen to me. I have had this feeling for a long time. Part of me believes I'm going to get cancer. Another part of me sees a potential future where I die relatively soon, like in the next few years. Yes, I know that's possible for everyone, but something in my head says that it'll definitely happen to me. I've thought about it so much that I now feel a combination of fear and calmness about it. Not like I've accepted my fate, but it has motivated me to live my life purposefully and not get too wrapped up in silly things that don't matter. I've made it a goal to have fun, enjoy my time on earth while I have it, and live one day at a time. But there's still that feeling...

I don't know why but I feel overdue for tragedy. Every couple months or so, something devastating happens to throw a wrench in the works. Back in November, we had to put down my childhood dog, Jet. We had him since I was five (15 years) and it was like losing my best friend. But that was four months ago, so it feels like something new and awful could happen at any moment. Not that I want it to, of course, but if we're following the trend of my life, something new should've happened by now to ruin my life.

Anyways, I feel like I've talked my brain down to potentially get some sleep. I hope so, because I have a lot of driving ahead of me tomorrow.

Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. If you're me from the future, I hope you're well. I hope the bad things I expect to happen have the grace to hold off, for your sake (and mine). If you aren't me, I wonder how you found this. I don't plan to disclose the existence of these posts to anyone until the absolute last possible moment so there's something to look back on and peek into my conscience throughout my life. So if you aren't me and you're reading this, did something happen to me? And if you're someone who knows/knew and loves/loved me, thank you. The people who I value most in my life are the source of my vitality and drive. If I was alone, I probably would've ended it a long long time ago. But hopefully I leave a good impact on the people in my life for the rest of the time I have. I'm getting caught up in my head again.

I'm tired as fuck, I hope it isn't hard to fall asleep. Goodnight.

[abdullahsarker81]

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Duplication doesn't need to be from different destinations all things considered. If a search engine discovers that your website contains duplicate content between its pages, it will appear as though you are attempting to overcrowd it with irrelevant content. Check to see that you aren't just copying and pasting information from your pages to fill in the blanks. Make the effort to produce original, engaging content for your website. The algorithms of search engines will recognize those efforts and reward you accordingly.

Check the speed of your website's pages. You might be surprised at how quickly users will leave a page that doesn't load quickly enough. Although you may believe you have thirty seconds or a minute, you do not. In fact, a user will decide that waiting for your page to load is pointless in as little as two to three seconds. You will undoubtedly lose visitors if your website loads too slowly.

Check every one of the components that add to page load speed. This means that your videos and images should be smaller and hosted on a server that is fast enough for your needs. If not, you need to make those adjustments right away.

Conduct a backlink audit A backlink audit looks at the links to your website. In essence, you are evaluating their authority and reliability. Your site will also be less respected if search engine algorithms do not respect the sites that are linking to you.

You want the pages pointing to you to have high domain authority and rank well for themselves. If some of your backlinks come from sites that are no longer regularly updated or don't have content that is related to yours, it's likely that they are crashing your website. The best backlinks are those that have anchor tags on their pages that are either identical to yours or very close to it.

Analyze your organic search traffic Organic search traffic is traffic to your website that doesn't come from paid advertisements. This basically refers to search engine visitors. Since those visitors are theoretically motivated to consume your content, organic traffic is much more likely to have a higher conversion rate. They would have looked for something that was related to your website. You can get a sense of how well your SEO efforts are working by monitoring your organic traffic with a variety of online tools.

You can sort out people who found you using particular search terms once you have this information. You can use this to determine which keywords are effective and which are not. You can channel the people who stopped by just by looking through your business name also. Finding new customers is an important part of expanding your business, and organic visitors who found your site without searching for your name are probably not familiar with your brand. You can tailor your showcasing endeavors around those watchwords that are getting you the most productive hits.

When it comes to SEO, user experience is crucial. Find and fix broken links. People will quickly leave your website if it does not provide an enjoyable and simple user experience. Users of the internet find broken links to be a source of frustration and can give the impression that your page has been neglected and lacks professionalism.

A broken link is one that takes you to an error page, such as a 404. Ensure that you are really looking at every one of the connections on your site, both interior and outside, to ensure that they are promoting the right endlessly happy that exists.

Find opportunities and gaps in the content An SEO audit primarily focuses on finding gaps and opportunities. When your audit is finished, you will know exactly where your SEO strategy is weak. It could be that you are not using certain keywords or that your page loads slowly.

The best part is that fixing every flaw or problem you find will only improve outcomes. Every problem and gap is an opportunity for growth. Everything you need to do is run a Web optimization review and appropriately examine the outcomes to get your site to perform how you really want it to make progress.

Final Thoughts: If you want to keep up with your rivals in digital marketing, your SEO strategy needs to evolve with the times. Playing out a Web optimization review is the ideal method for surveying how your site is positioned and distinguishing how you want to get it on the way to page one.

[microwaving-tesilid-argente]

(in response to my tags to the prev rb:)

no worries about the spoilers! they're mostly there because i brought up a question, and it's just in case anyone new comes across my blog. i'm probably going to put similar disclaimers whenever i post musings like this too, just in case. i really appreciate how much we've been able to yell about tesilid together without any hints at spoilers! thank you.

-

huh. i was under the impression that reed appeared in many timelines because ailette called him a "last boss", bc like how can you be a last boss if the protagonist can save the world without beating you first? but now that i think about it that doesn't make sense, since reed only attempted to destroy the world once and then got sealed. i guess ailette calls him the "last boss" because unfortunately for her, he exists in the timeline that she's transmigrating into.

in my original theory i thought that maybe reed got lost and ended up in the 117th instead of the 17th like in the original lmao. because we hadn't gotten confirmation from tesilid that his 17th turned out the same way as in the novel, and in fact in chaps 155-ish tesilid describes his 1st 17th round as "nothing special", and that he "just wandered about as usual". which is really odd because how can you just wander around if you're dead. how is it "nothing special" if you die right off the bat? but the same chap also confirmed that tesilid hadn't experienced the current timeline from reed's POV as well so idk.

the fact that the floppy disk was used precisely 16 times before is also extremely fishy. it is soooo fishy. it feels like they originally wrote a line of code such that ailette would be inserted into tesilid's timeline precisely once it's been used up 16 times so that she'd be on the 17th round. but maybe they forgot to merge that line of code with the one that is currently giving tesilid is ability to regress to the Sculptor's Atelier. and the floppy disk happened to take precedence. which would be scary actually, bc if that is the activate condition, then if the heroes hadn't found the floppy disk and used it, reed would be stuck regressing forever and can't actually meet ailette.

or maybe it was always the 17th that should be there? maybe the 117th cannibalised the 17th when he entered that timeline. ailette did kill the 117th before she set out to find tesilid so the 117th was forcibly inserted into the round that ailette entered. which is so odd too bc why was the 117th already in the abyss. how many more versions of tesilids do we not see and which are stuck in purgatory or are marching towards it? (this is why i thought [hoped] that reed might just be a past version of tesilid who would find his own ailette in his next round....... because if tesilid is supposed to have been about to enter the 16th timeline but ailette found a 116th, then there are countless past and future tesilids out there, and only the current timeline tesilid can be saved)

or maybe the activation condition that the floppy disk be used 17 times was never supposed to activate, because ailette was never supposed to free 117th tesilid from the abyss. but the granny for whatever reason insisted that the prisoner of the abyss was unimportant and so ailette did free him. maybe the TM gods never got rid of this line of code, where prisoner of the floppy disk tesilid is inserted into the 17th, because they never thought it would be activated. maybe this was what caused the 117th to be inserted in the 17th.

the floppy disk having been used 16 times before might also be a coincidence tho idk. before i noticed the number, i thought that tesilid was released bc the floppy disk changed owners. but this is a story and this number is a little too coincidental to not be on purpose.

I CANT EVEN FINISH THESE CHAPS... I need to take a walk!!!@!@@!!!!

what's with s class heroine and its ability to fit in at least one moment in each chapter that makes me go "oh no no no no fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!"!!!!!!

[not-poignant]

When it comes to your original fiction did you post them on tumbler before making them available as an e-book. I want to write original work but am scared of posting it on here or a03.

Hi anon!

I actually personally (I can't stress this enough, this is a me thing) really hate posting (and reading) fic on Tumblr. You can't tag it properly and people can't filter it out effectively, it's a pain to read (lots of scrolling), and it's a pain to archive. So that was definitely never an option for me!

My original novels never went anywhere before they became novels, partly because if you 'dry run' stories like that, Amazon and other distributors can get tetchy and say it's no longer a first edition and sometimes even pull your ebooks offline without enough paperwork, lol. So I just...would not do that because even if it all works out, knowing how other authors have been treated re: this issue, I would not!

I'm a big believer in just kind of taking the leap and putting fic up wherever you feel comfortable. If that's AO3 or Tumblr, then do it! The fear is normal, it is a normal part of writing, and a normal part of facing that gap between 'only I've seen it' to 'now other people will see it.' The good news is you can always delete the fic if you don't like it. On AO3 you can delete any comments you don't like. But those kinds of worst case scenarios are incredibly rare.

What's (sadly) more likely is just that not many people will necessarily read it at first, until more people start finding your writing and your tags, and that can take a little time!

It can be good sometimes to sit down and really figure out what you're scared of re: posting a story. Because a lot of the fears have concrete answers:

Scared of people hating it? Most people will just click away if it's not their thing, and if they try and make it your problem, you can delete and/or block everything to do with them.

Scared no one will notice it? Well, that is actually a normal part of writing for almost all of us when we just start out. You're part of a huge community of writers experiencing exactly the same thing you are. You are never alone as a writer, even when it feels lonely. Sometimes you can find Discords and similar groups to get more notice, but often it's just a matter of taking the time to put more words out there.

Scared someone will be mean to you? Understandable! However, you don't deserve bullying from anyone. Block these people and then go find a space that feels good to you or watch something that feels wholesome or go outside or do something that doesn't feel 'chronically online.' (It's amazing how much trolls don't matter as much when you're looking at a sunset, or eating your favourite food).

These are all pretty universal fears in writing (and the arts) before posting something, and after posting something, and I wish I could tell you they'll all go away one day, but I think what happens for many of us instead is that we learn more tools to deal with these fears. It helps knowing that most folks get them to some degree, and most of us have learned ways to deal with them - that's why authors will tell you to block trolls and delete troll comments, and that's why authors will reassure you that they started out in a place where no one noticed them at first too, and that's why authors will sometimes talk about how folks have been mean to them and how they were impacted by it, but also remembered to ground / reminded themselves who their real friends are - and that doesn't necessarily stop the fear and the pain, but the solidarity can help.

Post your writing on Tumblr (ignore my personal thoughts on Tumblr fiction, that's just my feelings and they are not universal lol, lots of people love Tumblr fics), post it on AO3, post it on Tumblr first and then AO3 later!

AO3 is a great place to put fics, because you can write about anything and put it up literally any time, and even orphan it / make it anonymous or delete it if you want to. You have complete creative control.

You'll never get to see what's on the other side of your fears if you don't take the leap.

But it's also okay if you're just not ready yet. :)

[pennyserenade]

tags: nameless female oc x javier peña, nameless female oc x javier pena rating: t ( teen )  warnings: language, a smidge of angst  word count: 1.5k+ summary: a scenario in which javier finds peace at home notes: this is apart of the scenes universe, but just not in the main timeline. it’s set after the events in colombia, taking place at about the same time season 3, episode one does. this was created because i needed to see javier happy -- isn’t that wild ? gif by: @pascalsky​

A PEACE OF MIND AND A SLICE OF HOME 

The boy’s hair is light, so blonde it’s nearly white, and Javi’s in the middle of being teased about it for the umpteenth time. He grins, looking at the boy on his lap, telling his family to kindly--in the most kid appropriate way--fuck off. They ask about the mailmen in Colombia in between fits of laughter, or whether that partner of his had the same shade of hair—anything to get Javi going.

“Yeah, he did,” Javi replies, looking back at them, “But he didn’t have that nose,” he nods towards the kid. “That’s my nose.”

“Javi, don’t let them get you going—that kid has more than just your nose,” his tía says, inserting herself in the conversation. She’d been skirting closer and closer all night, but she’d been too focused on hosting to fully make her way over. It seems she’s freed herself now. “That wife of yours pushed out another little Javi.”

She puts her hands outwards and the boy reaches up, anticipating being picked up. Javi grins, letting him go. He had been worried about the way the boy would respond to the family at first, being that he’d not really had anyone in Colombia besides Steve and the two of them, but he enjoys the attention. Everyone is more than happy to give it to him, too.

“Will you watch him while I go find her?” Javi nods towards the house, “I think someone in there must be holding her up in conversation, and I think its Dad. It always is.”

She nods her head. “Go on.”

Javi kisses her cheek before making a beeline to the door. Surprisingly, no one tries to stop him and ask questions, but then again, he’s tried to walk quick enough so they’d know not to.

The house is relatively empty, with a few people scattered in the kitchen and a couple of women sitting at the couch. Javi checks multiple rooms, quiet in case there happens to be any sleeping children in any of them. Just as he thought, he finds his father and his wife in a room talking with their backs to the door. He doesn’t make a sudden intrusion. In fact, he doesn’t make one at all, lingering behind the threshold when he hears them talking.

“This was Javier when he was little,” his father tells her. He watches a photo pass between them.

“Who’s that woman?” she points to the photo, “Is that his mother?”

His father nods. “Yeah.”

She grins. “The baby looks so much like Javi did here. He’s so cute,” she laughs. She passes the photo back to his father. “Javi never really talks about his childhood and he didn’t have any photos like this in Colombia, so this is the first time I’ve seen any of this.”

His father shrugs. “Javi’s a bit odd about talking about this place. He always wanted to get away, and now that he has, I think he’s trying hard to forget it.”

His wife shakes her head. “No,” she assures. “Javi remembers this place. He’s just got a way about him, you know? Always too distracted by the future to bother with the past or the present.” She shrugs. “At least, he was. I think he’s a little more present these days.”

Javi knows he shouldn’t do this, stand here in the doorway and ease drop, but he can’t help it. The scene before him is an oddly intimate one and he doesn’t want to ruin it, but at the very same time, he can’t tear himself away from listening. He didn’t know either of them felt that way, and he didn’t even consider that they could bond over him.

“I know you probably don’t need me to tell you this, but I know you make him happy,” Chucho tells her. She smiles, and Javi can’t help but smile too. His is more bittersweet though. “He hasn’t been like this since...” His father thinks. “Since his mother passed, maybe. Maybe even a little before—maybe before she got sick.”

“What was she like?”

Javi knocks on the door. They both shift their eyes over to him. “Mijo,” his father says, “How’s the family treating you out there?”

“Oh, you know, brutally as always,” Javi says nonchalantly, looking over at his wife. “I’ve come to get her back, though.”

“You’ve had her for long enough to yourself,” Chucho quips. She laughs from beside him.

She points to the photos scattered in front of them. “He was showing me pictures of you as a baby.”

“That’s what I feared.” Javi enters the room finally.

She scrunches her nose. “Don’t be like that,” she teases. “Mira,” she holds up the photo her father had just shown her. “Pequeño bebé Javi.”

He glimpses at the photo, but not for too long. Something tightens in his chest at the sight of his mother, something he’s not ready to unpack just yet.

“You think you’ll be ready to head out soon?” Javi asks. “I think he’s gonna start getting fussy if we stay any longer.”

“I don’t think so—“ she begins, but then she sees the look in Javi’s eyes. That silent pleading. She gives him a look back, one that tells him she’s not so thrilled about the way he’s acting. He’s stubborn though.

“Maybe, actually,” she gives in. She hands the photo back to his dad. “Thank you for showing me these. I’ll have to come back sometime without Javi and the baby.”

Javi’s dad nods, but he knows. He’s kind enough to let it go though, and Javi’s ever more grateful for his wife’s presence.

“I’ll walk you out.”

Javi leads the way, slowly his pace so he can say his goodbyes on the way out. Everyone in the house wants hugs, but the people outside are too busy clutching drinks and children, or in the midst of conversation to do so. It takes longer than Javi likes, but after ten minutes or so, they find their way back to his tía. She smiles at them.

“Ah, you were the one holding her hostage,” she tells Chucho. “Javi was right.”

The baby reaches out towards his wife. She smiles at him before taking him in her arms and kissing his cheeks. “Hola, mi amor,” she coos. He nestles against her, and Javi smiles, reaching up to scratch his back before looking back at his aunt. “We’re about to head out. He’s gonna start getting fussy if we don’t go soon.”

Javi watches his father and aunt exchange looks quickly and his dare to twitch. His wife puts an arm around his back, though, pulling him close—grounding him.

His dad circles around to the baby, and Javi’s tía returns her attention back to him.

“Come back tomorrow?” she asks, leaning closer to him. “Your father needs help but he’s too stubborn to ask for it; you two are too similar in that sense.”

She affectionately grips his chin and he smiles at her. “Yeah okay, pero no big event like tonight, okay?” he requests. “I love them but I can’t stand another question about Colombia.”

“I promise,” she says. “Don’t be afraid to bring them around too.” She looks over at his wife and child. Chucho is in the middle of kissing the boy’s head and his wife is grinning wide. Javi can’t help but note how genuine it is, the smile, or the way she looks so at ease, as if this was her hometown and not his own.

He doesn’t say anything more, because the two of them know he won’t be getting out of the house without his wife and child; she’s fond of this place, and though he doesn’t love the trip down memory lane he feels as though he owes her that much. His Pop, too, bless him. Javi knows he’s too unkind, knows that the man only wants the best for him, but he can’t help but meet that with indifference.

After Chucho is done saying goodbye to his wife and child, Javi eases his way out of his wife’s hold. He leans forward, and, taking himself and his father by surprise, he embraces the older man in a hug.

Despite the way he slightly towers over his father, Javi cannot help the way he feels so small in his father’s arms. Chucho holds him tight and firm, and Javi welcomes it, closing his eyes for a minute. When they pull back, Chucho holds his face and places his forehead on Javi’s.

“I love you, mijo,” he says, “Now that you’re a father I’m sure you can understand just how much.”

Javi puts a hand over one of his dad’s. He nods. “I love you too, Pop. I’ll be back in the morning, okay?”

Chucho smiles. Javi sees the single dimple he has reflected in his father’s features. “Drive safe,” he tells Javi and his wife collectively. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Javi looks down at his wife and the baby, and he does it—he understands the way his father loves him, and what’s more, he gets why this town is a place the man hasn’t ever left. In the cracks and crevices of this town are the memories of a life they had led before, Javi and him and his mother. For all the good and the bad that they had experienced here, it would always serve as a reminder that it had happened—that life had been lived and love had been had. This was his father’s Colombia.

One day Javi will tell him this, that he understands. Today he lets it end with an affectionate pat on the man’s cheek, though, some echo of the sort of thing the man would have done to him when he was a boy.

Maybe Laredo isn’t half bad, Javi decides. Not like this, anyways. 

forever/everything tag list : @astroboots , @frannyzooey , @wyn-dixie , @rosiefridayrogersunday , @melaniermblt , @theorganasolo , @amneris21 , @honestly-shite , @over300books​

javi tag list : @wyn-dixie , @rosiefridayrogersunday , @disgruntledspacedad , @melaniermblt , @walt-breslin , @theorganasolo , @amneris21 , @hb8301 , @penajavier , @darnitdraco , @over300books , @dobbyjen​

scenes tags: @gravegoth​​ , @sarahjkl82-blog​​ , @cmonkeepmoving​​

[thefanficmonster]

You Never Notice

Sykkuno x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None

Genre: Fluff

Summary: The center of someone’s world is never aware of their importance even when everyone else is in the know. People are hard to understand, no denying, but if we all spilled our truth like how Y/N admitted her feelings to Sykkuno, mutual understanding would be achieved a lot more easily. JK, she needed an eternity and maybe a thousand pushes. What’s important is the result though, right?

Requested by Anon. You are my first Sykkuno request and I wish I could thank you with a tag. Instead, I’m gonna thank you with a fic in which I put my all. Thank you for the request, hope the final product doesn’t let you down. 🥰

Here we go again. Sykkuno’s love life is brought up. This time it’s more frustrating cause I can’t shout how wrong he is about himself and the effect he has on the people around him. He has no room to speak, he hasn’t experienced what I have - one of your best friends living in your head rent-free because you’re just that whipped by them. That’s right kids, some of us never grow past the middle school crushes - they are a constant for some. That can be a good or a bad thing, it completely depends on how you view it.

Currently, him and Rae are addressing some dating rumors that started spreading about them earlier this week while Felix, Sean and I are kicking each other’s butts in Party Animals. We’re not all playing together, actually, we were all playing different games when we hopped into the call and just grouped together after playing solo got boring. Rae and Sykkuno are playing Among Us on a random server, her being the only person who’s streaming right now. She said she just wanted to clear up the dating rumors cause they were annoying to see popping up on her feed on every social media platform she’s active on.

“It’s ridiculous, really. People just look for online personalities to put in imaginary relationships. Are they that bored? I know quarantine is getting to everyone, but damn“ Rae says, laughing a bit to take the edge off her words but I know she’s bothered by this ordeal more than she’s letting on. I know how much it bothers her when people ship random youtubers and streamers together, even when she’s not involved. 

And I agree. Ever since I started streaming I’ve been shipped with my friends left and right. First Corpse, then Dave, Joel...you name them. It gets kinda gross cause these people are legit like siblings to me. Unlike Rae, though, I don’t waste my breath trying to clear those ‘talks of the net’ up. I don’t know if it’s for better of for worse that I remain silent on the issue when I’m involved but am willing to stand up for my friends when they find themselves in a similar situation. Some people think the reason I don’t share my thoughts is because the rumors are true, but the hint is most often taken, resulting in the ship ending. Well, that ship ending, there’s always a new one popping up. As Rae said, it’s ridiculous.

“Why does everyone think I am ever dating anyone? I’ve already commented on this: no one would date me.“ Sykkuno says through a sigh-like laugh.

“Why are you so sure?“ I blurt out without as much as a second thought

My eyes widen just a bit, just a bit. I’m not too surprised with myself. I am slowly losing control of my raging emotions and I’m afraid of what I’ll turn into when all my restraints snap. A mess, that’s the most likely answer.

“Well....“ Sykkuno trails off, clearly more than a little nervous, “I don’t have a girlfriend right now, and I haven’t had one in a while...Nor has a girl shown any interest to be more than friends with me in what feels like forever.“

“I’m sure you just don’t notice the hints girls drop. We can be pretty subtle.“ I try to sound as nonchalant as possible while I’m still in my panicked animal mode. And by animal I mean a cub. A scared cub that is now showing confidence but will run and hide right afterwards. I silently thank the universe that I’m not streaming right now. I can feel the heat on my neck and cheeks which is pure embarrassment and would have been more than evident on-camera.

“Yeah Y/N’s right, Sykkuno. Girls can be very subtle, but they will always let you know if they like you, even through the smallest of gestures. You gotta keep your eyes open.“ Rae backs me up reassuringly.

“Guys never notice anything.“ I say, rolling my eyes. I feel the pressure lessen thanks to Rae’s involvement in the conversation.

“That’s not true.“ Sean protests, “We pay close attention, especially to girls we are attracted to.“

“Yeah!“ Sykkuno pipes in again, “I’m pretty sure I would notice if a girl was dropping signals that she likes me.“

Now that stings. That legit makes me wince and cringe as though his voice delivered an actual physical hit to my chest and stomach. It’s really unpleasant, painful even.

“You never notice.“ There’s something about this triple opportunity - proving him wrong that he’d catch onto a girl’s signals; proving him wrong that girls aren’t attracted to him; coming clean about the biggest emotional struggle I’ve experienced in recent years; - that snaps my last emotional restraints. I will totally regret this later, but after the regret comes the relief which is 100% worth it. 

“What?“ He sounds very puzzled. I can just about imagine him frowning as he tries to wrap his brain around something even I can’t wrap mine around.

“You say you’d notice a girl’s hints of attraction. OK.“ I nonchalantly throw Felix off the submarine in Party Animals while I keep talking, “Would you notice if a girl purposely doesn’t kill you in Among Us when she’s impostor? Or would you notice that a girl always sends you links to videos she finds funny? Or that she always shares music and movie recommendations with you and you only?“ 

Dead silence ensues. I feel like they have all glitched, considering Sean didn’t even try to put up a fight when I lifted him and threw him in the ocean as I previously did with Felix’s avatar.

Maybe I was a tad too specific and made the whole situation hit a little too close to home for me. 

Sykkuno and I have become really close friends and we chat and play games regularly. As I mentioned, I give him movie and music recommendations and I only recently started acknowledging the fact that I’ve never killed him in Among Us. Natural instinct I guess. In fact, I feel the need for vengeance when he’s killed. I refuse to even vote for him unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Now that I think about it, it’s not his fault he has no clue. I just don’t know how to properly drop hints.  

“Um...I mean, I guess I would notice but I’d never think they are that type of hints.“ He finally replies.

On point there, dear. On damn point.

“What does it take for you to be convinced that a girl is into you?“ Who cares that a bunch of people are about to witness this outpour? It’ll make it more real, yes, but it will also help me believe that it happened so I don’t try to crawl back to the point where return is an option. No return now. You’ve already passed two thirds of the way. The last one will set you and your mind free. 

“The only way I can be sure is if she tells me, really.“ He sounds so nervous and shy, like he’s trying to draw as little attention as possible.

He doesn’t have to worry. I’m about to pull all the attention on me.

“Well in that case....you leave me no other choice.“ My screen displays me as the winner of this round of Party Animals - an easy one considering my friends are glitched in real life. “I like you, Sykkuno. I like you a lot. And I know you will see it from every context except the one its meant to be in so I’ll be even more head-on - I’ve liked you, as more than a friend for quite some time now, but buddy, you can be sooo oblivious sometimes. Anyway...“ Here’s that regret I was talking about, it’s already creeping in. “Don’t feel the need to say it back. I don’t wanna hear it if you don’t mean it. And Rae,“ I can’t help but laugh at the thought, “Sorry for making your chat go crazy. Peace!“

And I disconnect from the Discord call.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?“ I say out loud, staring at my desktop. “The cat’s out of the bag and you can move on now.“

I push myself to get some work done in order to get my mind off the mess I’ve created. I’m afraid of thinking about it, I know I’ll get too upset to do anything with the rest of my day if I do.

Suddenly, just as I’m about to open my email, my phone chimes. My brain doesn’t bother to stop my arm from automatically reaching out and checking the notification. A message.

From Sykkuno.

~ I knew you didn’t suggest me ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ for no reason

Me ~ So...?

~ So, I’m not the only oblivious one here, Y/N

Me ~ Wait WHAT?

~ ‘Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist’?

Me ~ Oooohhhh...I see

It takes him a few seconds to reply, the bubble with the three bouncing dots popping up and disappearing a few times now. I just now feel my heart banging against the inside of my ribcage, my pulse echoing in my ears.

He did seem a little too eager for me to watch that movie...

~ So, movie date?

I laugh, wholeheartedly and honestly. Genuine joy running through my veins.

Me ~ So it is.

The grin that is now decorating my features promises to stay there for the rest of the day. I bite my bottom lip at the thought that pops into my head.

Me ~ Phew, I can stop sparing you in Among Us from now on

He sends me three cry-laughing emojis in return, but I don’t need those. I can just imagine him laughing as he usually does with one hand covering his mouth. And here I thought my grin couldn’t grow wider.

 Imagining him happy makes me smile. His happiness makes me happy. He makes me happy.

Even better...

I think the feeling’s mutual.

[makeste]

I kinda feel like that last anon, how should i put this...? I know that endeavor is a fictional character but at the same time I can't really put my own experience aside and look at him (or any of the todoroki family actually) like I look at aizawa or even all for one because looking at him is like looking at my own family

sometimes I feel like part of the fandom treat people who really can't stand endeavor and like idiots that don't have enough brain cells to understand his character arc but is not this, is just that when you experienced something really traumatic anything could be a trigger, in my case, my family situation was so similar to the todofam that my little bro had to stop reading the manga even though he liked the world and characters because it was making he remember things that are better forgotten, I know that there's no way that someone can do a story that will not trigger anyone in any aspect but at the same time I wish that, like I can understand the readers that like endeavor and wish the best for him, more people would be more empathetic and understanding of survivors (this last part is not directed at you on any shape or form tho, please don't get the wrong idea, I really think that you're amazing and I love your metas)

see, I totally get that the Endeavor storyline is triggering to some people, and I don’t want to downplay that in any way. I know the common response here is “don’t like, don’t read”, and while I agree that people are ultimately responsible for the media that they consume, and for curating their own fandom experience, at the same time I know it can sometimes feel like getting elbowed out of a space you used to be comfortable in, and having it no longer be welcoming to you, and being told you just have to deal with it. which to be frank does suck, and I understand why people react badly to that.

but on the other hand, what also sucks and can also be triggering to people is being talked over, and having your experiences invalidated, and being told as an abuse survivor that you are in fact an abuse apologist and a bad person. and in particular, the experience of having someone guilt you (for instance by saying things like “you shouldn’t talk about that because it upsets me”) and try to make you feel bad for not agreeing with them is a very familiar one for a lot of emotional abuse survivors, and they don’t deserve to have that trauma dredged up just because they’re trying to enjoy a story. so it goes both ways. those people deserve empathy and understanding as well. they deserve respect just as much as the people on the other end of it. and they have the right to engage with the story how they want, and to post their opinions without being demonized and having people try to control what they can and can’t talk about on their own blogs.

ultimately what I think most of the conflict boils down to is that the BnHA tags are a shared public space, but people sometimes try to treat that space as if it belongs to them, which it doesn’t. it belongs to everyone, and everyone can post whatever they want in it, and they have the right to do so without being harassed. no one person’s experience is more or less valid than another’s, and no one has the right to try to silence someone else, or condescend to them, or police what they’re posting on their own blog (even if that post is also going into the shared tags). the best way to build empathy and understanding is to have actual respectful interactions with other people, even if you don’t always share the same viewpoint. but for people who don’t want to do that, there’s also the block button, and tumblr’s filter options, which are actually pretty great, especially now that they’re not just limited to tags but can filter actual content as well. so it’s possible for someone to make their own personal fandom space safer and more comfortable without necessarily being forced out of it, which is great. you can choose which parts of the community you want to interact with. it’s not a perfect solution, but it’s about as good as it’s going to get.

at the end of the day, the people who hate the Endeavor storyline have to share the fandom with the people who like it, and that’s just how it is. and the only way that works -- well, the only way that it works and doesn’t suck -- is if people are respectful to one another. you can’t force people to only post things you like, just like they can’t do the same to you. like, I’m trying so hard not to end this post with something like “just be fucking nice to each other” as if we were all in kindergarten, lol. but also... yeah. anyways thank you for the ask and for sharing your point of view, anon, because honestly, that’s basically exactly what I’m talking about. you don’t like the Endeavor arc for valid personal reasons, and I do, also for personal reasons (though honestly it doesn’t matter what reasons someone has either way, all of it is valid). and that is completely fine! look at that. I just wish it were always this easy, lol.

[julieloveupstead]

"I'm Never Leave You" - Upstead

Chapter 4

- "Detective Rollins," she heard a female voice on the other end.

- "Hello, this is Detective Upton with the Chicago Police Department." - Hailey called the detective who had handled two similar cases to the one she and the team were handling a few years ago.

- "Hello. How can I help you, Detective?"

- "Today we started on a double murder case, similar to the one we found that the state was investigating a few years ago." - she explained to the woman on the other end. In the meantime, Sergeant Platt brought her, the autopsy results of the murdered boys.

- "Which one specifically?" - the voice on the other side pulled her from her reading.

- "It's about the beating, sexual abuse and then murder of two young men. We found drugs in the building with a similar tag. We think the two cases are connected." - Hailey elaborated.

- "And that's how I remember that case. We had a case like that, but we didn't have a suspect. When the son of one of the diplomats was murdered, the FBI took over the investigation, but as far as I know they didn't even catch anyone either. Practically, the investigation came to a standstill." - Detective Rollins said. But listen, email us with what you've found so far, and we'll compare it with ours and let you know." - suggested the Detective on the other end.

- "Okay, we'll send you everything we have right away, and I look forward to hearing from you." - and after a brief goodbye, Hailey hung up.

She went back to reviewing what she got from Trudy and then decided to call the FBI some more, who as Detective Rollins told her had taken over the investigation.

At the same time, Jay in Voight's office. Since the Sergeant wasn't there, he figured nothing would happen if he stayed there for a while, and If the Sergeant returned unexpectedly, Jay didn't care. If anything, after what he found out, he didn't care what opinion he would have of him or how angry he would be with him. As far as Jay was concerned, Voight might not be coming back. Back on the case, Jay had just spoken with an officer from the LAPD, and they also arranged to share information.

After the call, he returned to the bullpen, where Hailey was still talking. He sat down at his desk and watched her. He may have looked like a stalker, but he loved watching Hailey passionately do every single thing, even when they weren't together yet, the passion with which she gave herself to her work was remarkable, and he always appreciated that very much.

Hailey could feel Jay's burning gaze on her from the start and had to really try to keep her attention on what Agent Anderson-Li was saying.

- Jay, don't look at me like that," Hailey whispered as she ended the call.

- How am I looking? - Jay asked in an innocent voice, getting up from his seat and walking over to Hailey's desk.

- Well, like this - she pointed her hand at him. Jay sat down on her desk as usual.

- What do you mean? - he asked again, leaning over her.

- Like I'm your whole world - she whispered huskily.

- I can't help it if you're my whole world, Angel. - he whispered back.

Hailey gazed into his eyes and saw the loving look in his eyes until her heart beat a thousand times more, and if it wasn't for the fact that she was sitting, she was sure that she would have fallen intimidated by such great affection. She felt like she would never get used to how much Jay loved her.

For many years, she thought she didn't deserve to have a guy love her for who she was. Her father had admirably proven that for many years of her teenage life, and then the guys she'd been with when they found out what baggage she had left her behind. The exception was Garrett, but before things could get serious with him, he died at the hands of Booth and now that she's with Jay she can't believe that after everything he's learned about her and everything she's done he's still here looking at her with the same tender, loving and lustful eyes.

Since the day they started being together, Hailey thinks she's been dreaming and doesn't for the hell of it ever want to wake up from it.

- Jay, please don't say that - she couldn't help but have fears in addition to all the wonderful emotions she was feeling. Because what does he really see in her? After all, she's no one special. And after what had happened a few days ago, and not only that, all her pushback to cross the boundaries of the law, it all didn't look to her advantage. She was broken, and she knew that Jay accepted her like this 100 or even 200%, but she couldn't quell the fear that someday Jay would finally realize that there was nothing to glue together, or would he just be tired of it all and just walk away?

She used to think that the thing that kept her from telling Jay how I felt about him was the fear that he wouldn't feel the same way about her, but now she thought it was the fear that she would finally realize how complicated it really was and his leaving.

- Hailey...

- Guys, I found the owners of the house where we found these two boys. - Adam entered the bullpen, preventing Jay from finishing. They both turned towards him and waited for further information from their friend. - The owners are Margaret and Joseph Tremblay. - He walked over to the board and pinned up a photo, then walked over to the two detectives and gave them some cards. - Two years ago Margaret died after a months-long battle with cancer, shortly afterwards Joseph left for a retirement home. They had no children. - He explained.

- And do you know who he sold it to? - Jay asked.

- No one, Joseph was just renting it out, not to some Richard West guy. - replied Adam. - And I checked that no one with that name had rented the house recently. - He added when he saw the questioning look from his friends.

- So he was cheated? - asked Hailey.

- It seems so. - answered Adam. - The only question is by whom - said Jay.

- 'Okay Adam, we'll wait for Kevin and for Sergeant Smith and Officer Wilson, and we'll be done for the day, because we probably won't find one today anyway. - Jay sat down at his desk.

- Adam, do you know anything about Kim? - Hailey dared to ask her friend.

- 'Mhmm, her parents are sitting by her, and her sister texted me that her condition is stable, but the doctors are afraid to wake her up yet. - He replied, sitting down in his seat. Jay and Hailey looked worriedly at Adam, who, though he tried to hold back, had tears in his eyes. - I'm so scared for her. - He hid his face in his hands.

The pair of detectives looked at each other. They felt very sorry for their friend. Hailey knew exactly what the friend was talking about. After all, it had been over a year ago that Hailey had been in his shoes, and she remembered well the fear when she found out Jay had been kidnapped, and then waiting in the hospital waiting room for him to get some information and for him to finally wake up. It was like a nightmare. For months, she couldn't shake the images of Jay full of blood lying on the concrete floor and even to this day in her nightmares reliving it all over again.

She stood up and put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed in a gesture of support that Adam needed so much right now. Adam nodded in acknowledgement, Hailey smiled some more and went to the coffee room with a mug in her hand.

However, instead of making coffee, memories entered her head. She thought she had gotten over it, that she had accepted what had happened and moved on, but apparently this whole thing with Kim had caused the unwanted memories to return.

When Jay went missing, the worst part was the fear of not knowing where to look and that going around in circles was awful, and then the thoughts of whether she would make it in time or see him again. She was also angry with herself that something like this had happened, and until now she could not forgive herself that she had let such a situation happen at all. And when she finally managed to find him and saw his battered face her heart was breaking, but the fact that she found him beaten and bloody but alive helped give hope that all was not lost yet, that maybe they still had a chance. When Jay said he still had to come back for Angel, she barely held back the tears that started to appear at the corners of her eyes because it was all him. Jay Halstead, a man with a huge heart who always thinks of others first and himself last, even if it would cost him his life. And just when she thought the worst was behind her, it got worse. And waiting in that bloody room in the hospital waiting for any information about his condition and the emerging thoughts that this would be the last time she would see him was even worse. That's why he knows exactly what he might be experiencing right now.

Because knowing that the person you love so much is suffering, and you don't know if this is the last time you will see this person, is indescribable. Those things that you were afraid to tell him about, you may now not even have the chance to say anymore.

She closed the door and sat down on the couch. She brought her knees to her chest and just let go. She doesn't know at what point tears started streaming down her cheeks, and she didn't know if she was crying because of the memories, or because of Kim, or because of what happened in that damn warehouse, or maybe because of everything at once. She had to admit to herself that she felt tired of keeping herself in check in front of everyone, but most of all herself. She was already sick of it all. She felt a complete confusion in her head and did not know what she should do now. She knew that she would not be able to stand this way for long, that finally, after so many years, she had reached the limit of her endurance and did not know how to turn back.

When Hailey closed the door behind her, Jay still looked after her for a moment. He was worried, and he was worried a lot. He knew that the memories from over 1.5 years ago had to come back to her now because of Kim. Until now, Jay couldn't forgive himself for what he had done. When he was sitting in that basement and when they beat him and then after he was shot, his only thought was Hailey and her smile and how she would be mad at him. After that, he promised himself that he would never let something like that happen, that he would never let Hailey suffer. That's why he was so hurt by what Voight had done to her.

- Is Hailey okay? - Adam pulled him out of his thoughts.

- Mhmm, this whole Kim kidnapping thing has cost everyone a lot. - Jay didn't know how much he should say or if he should say anything at all, so he answered evasively. Adam just nodded.

- I remember when you were missing and Hailey was losing her mind. If it wasn't for her and what she did, I don't know if we would have found you. - Jay was puzzled by his friend's words and didn't know what to say, just stared at his companion.

He had never wondered how they had found him, he didn't know the need to revisit the subject. He was afraid that it would bring back bad memories and for him and most of all for Hailey, who he knew was going through a lot. - I know Hailey won't dare to do this, but I know her and I know that she loves you very much, you know that? - After a moment of silence Adam spoke again and again the honesty of his friend's words clobbered him. Now that he and Hailey were together to know that this wonderful person loved him was surreal, but in a positive sense of course, but when he heard it from an outsider, a person who doesn't even know they're together, it made his heart beat harder.

- I... Emm - Jay didn't know what he should say now, not to give too much away, and he was tempted to say out loud that he knew and that they were together, but he knew it wasn't something he should say himself.

- Jay - Desk Sergeant Platt came into the bullpen, delivering Jay from further conversation. Both men looked in her direction. - Nathan Robertson's parents had just arrived.

- Adam, will you come with me? - Jay looked at his friend, who nodded without hesitation. Before going downstairs, Jay took another look at the door to the break room where Hailey was staying and then approached Sergeant Platt. - Trudy, can I have a request? - The older woman just nodded, waiting for the young police officer to finally say something. - Could you sit with Hailey for a moment? - he asked quietly so that Adam, who was waiting for him by the stairs, could come over. Although he knew Hailey wanted to be alone, he didn't know if that was a good idea.

- Did something happen? - The Sergeant asked herself, surprised by her subordinate's request and most surprised by his worried look.

- You could say that. Serge, Hailey probably won't want to talk and will want to push you away but ... - He paused and looked away from Serge and looked in the direction his girlfriend was and then again at the older woman who was looking at him with a worried look. He realized suddenly that he trusted the woman standing across from him more than anyone on this command, much like Hailey, for whom Trudy was an important authority figure, and that was the only reason he'd dared after asking the Sergeant. - There's been a lot going on lately, and I'm just worried about her and I know she trusts you Serge like no one else and I trust you too. Hailey needs someone like you right now. - It was the first time he dared to say such a personal thing.

- Of course I'll sit with her. - Sergeant Platt hadn't been as moved by Jay's words in a long time as she was at that moment. The way Jay was worried about Hailey was heartwarming. It was the first time Trudy had seen, Jay so in love, and she was so happy that both of her best men were now happy.

- Thank you - Jay was grateful and sent the Sergeant a slight smile before joining his friend.

- Jay - before they went downstairs, though, Platt stopped them for another moment. - She almost forgot, I managed to identify the other boy. His name was Harry Bartel. He grew up in an orphanage and then was sent to a reformatory for theft and battery, where he had just met Robertson. - Jay nodded his head in understanding in passing, and then he and Adam finally went downstairs to the dead boy's parents.

Left alone, Trudy walked up to the locked room where she knocked on the closed door, and when she heard a quiet "please" after a moment, she entered.

Hailey was sitting on the couch and when she looked at the Desk Sergeant entering the room, she quickly wiped her wet cheeks and tried for a warm smile, but unfortunately a grimace came out.

- What's up, Trudy? - she said in a voice hoarse from crying, which she tried to mask with a grunt.

- Hailey, what's going on? - Trudy immediately noticed that she must have been crying, which immediately worried her.

- I don't know what you're talking about. - Hailey tried her best to sound normal and hide everything, hoping that the Sergeant would let it go. However, seeing the expression on the older woman's face, she knew she wouldn't succeed.

- Hailey, who are you trying to fool? - Platt sat down next to her subordinate and watched her vigilantly, sitting down at the table so that she could look at her. - Your boyfriend said it would be like this. - The older woman laughed, causing a puzzled look on Hailey's face.

- Did you talk to Jay? - Hailey asked herself in disbelief at the Desk Sergeant's words.

- Chuckles just confirmed what I've been seeing for the past few weeks, and I'm not talking about you, I mean what's going on with you. - She looked at her with a watchful, bone-penetrating gaze, making Hailey feel as if the older woman was reading her mind.

- Serge, it's all right, really - Upton tried again to convince the woman sitting next to her, and above all herself, that nothing was going on, but to no avail. With all her might, she did not want to let on that it was wrong, that something was going on. It's enough that he sees her so broken all the time, and that shouldn't be the case. Hailey doesn't like to show her weakness, that something hurts her, that there are millions of demons swirling around in her head that she can't deal with.

- You're a lot like me, you know? - said Platt in reply to Hailey, who was surprised by her words and waited for her to elaborate further. - From an early age I was taught that emotions are weakness, that if I am not tough, that if I show even the slightest weakness I will get nowhere. So I was like that at work and at home, which meant I was alone most of my life, but I didn't care too much because I worked in the police force, which was my dream, so as long as everything was going well professionally I didn't care that I had no boyfriend, no friends. At work, this frigidity helped me to survive in a world dominated by men. But then it started to bother me and when Mouch came into my life, everything changed. - It was a surprise that the Sergeant entrusted her with such private matters. She didn't really know why the older woman was telling her all this. - Look, Hailey, I'm not going to get you to confess to me, but I do want to tell you that if you want to talk to someone, and you don't necessarily want to tell Detective Chuckles, you know where to find me. - she assured Trudy.

Those words touched Hailey deeply. She closed her eyes and let out two deep breaths to calm herself. She wanted to tell Sergeant Platt the whole truth about what happened that day in that damn warehouse, but she was afraid that not only would she lose her job, but that Jay and the rest of the team would get in trouble, and she couldn't let that happen.

- Trudy, I appreciate your frowning at the truth, but I can handle it. - She turned her face towards the Sergeant. - But if something were to happen, or I wanted to talk, I know where to report. - she sent the woman a grateful smile.

- Okay - Trudy nodded, knowing she wouldn't convince Hailey to confide in her.

- Oh shit - Hailey looked at the clock hanging on the wall - I should send the documents to New York. - She stood up abruptly and without waiting for the Sergeant, she left the break room to meet Jay and Adam entering the bullpen at the same time.

- Do you guys have anything? - she immediately asked the men while crossing her arms over her chest.

- Nothing in particular. - Ruzek was the first to speak up.

- 'I don't understand how you can turn your back on your own kid,' snorted Jay as he dodged Hailey and sat down in his seat.

- What do you mean? - Hailey asked, looking at her boyfriend.

- Robertson was 15 when he first went to juvie and since then his parents had forgotten about him, and now they didn't even shed a single tear. Disbelieving. - Hailey could see that Jay was angry, at these people, and she wasn't surprised at all. She herself couldn't fathom why parents did so much evil to their children, it was incomprehensible. She walked over to Jay and put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it in a gesture of support. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment, Hailey smiled slightly assuring Jay that she was fine and that she didn't need to worry, Jay returned the smile.

- 'What about Kevin? - Hailey asked, stepping slightly away from Jay.

- And with me, two pieces of information - as if on cue, Kevin appeared in the bullpen. - First of all - he went straight to the board and started to explain what he had found. - There are no drugs in our warehouses with that tag, nor any narcotics cop any dealer dealing the same amphetamine we found in that house.

- But? - spoke up Hailey sensing that Kevin was not telling all.

- But one of my informants heard some time ago that a big player had recently appeared in town, but he doesn't know who it is. He said as soon as he finds out something, he'll let you know.

- And that's all you've agreed on for five hours? - said a sergeant from the Homicide and Burglary department with a commanding tone, appearing out of nowhere together with his subordinate, who Hailey thinks looks at Jay too often.

- I don't understand? - said a visibly irritated Jay, standing next to Hailey.

- I mean, detective, that ...

- Sergeant, is there a problem? - unexpectedly in the room appeared Sergeant Voight and in truth Hailey, really tried, but she couldn't stop herself from violently drawing in air and instinctively moved closer to Jay.

- 'Your people haven't established anything for five hours,' Sergeant Smith explained in a smug voice. She felt Jay's muscles solidify and then felt his hand on her back, at which she instinctively moved even closer to him. She needed to feel the contact with his skin, to feel that he was there because that was the only way she could keep from giving in to the impending panic attack.

- Okay, Jay get all the information together and then you and Hailey will come to me - at that word I swallowed my saliva nervously and felt Jay clench his fists tighter. I stepped back so that my back was touching Jay's chest, to calm my nerves, to keep from being plunged into panic.

She wasn't ready to face their Sergeant yet.

- Sergeant Smith, welcome to my office. - and with that Voight entered his office, followed by the Sergeant from Homicide, to talk behind closed doors.

❁❁❁

- Adam go to the hospital and sit with Kim. - spoke up Jay after some time of work.

- What? - asked a surprised Adam.

- You stare at that phone for 30 minutes - said Hailey, turning towards him.

- Go Kim needs you - added Jay.

- Thank you - Adam started to pack his things and a moment later he was gone.

- You too - Jay turned to Kev.

- Thank you, but I will stay and help you. - protested the officer.

- Okay, whatever you want - replied Jay, shrugging his shoulders. - Hailey - Jay turned to his partner, who looked at him with a questioning expression on her face. - We've already sent everything to New York, and we'll probably have to wait a few hours for an answer anyway, so you can go home. - Come on. I'm not leaving you guys. - she said confidently.

- Hailey - Jay walked over to Hailey and sat down on her desk. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment and communicated only in their own way, without words.

- Jay, Hailey come to me - a grey-haired man leaned out of the office and Hailey regretted her decision to stay on District. Jay put a hand on his girlfriend's shoulder and whispered to her to go home after all, then got up and walked over to the Sergeant.

- Hailey has to do one thing with Kevin, so I'm going to have to suffice you myself,' Jay said in an unobjectionable voice. Hailey could see how angry he was and how hard he tried not to show it in front of her and Kevin, who completely didn't understand what was going on.

Hailey didn't want to go out and leave Jay alone, but on the other hand, she was afraid that she would lose control of her emotions as soon as the door closed behind her and the three of them stayed in that office.

- That's how one of my CIs spoke up, wanting to meet. - Kevin spoke up, trying to support his friends.

- 'Okay, go ahead - Voight spoke up after a moment, then walked into his office, followed by Jay, who closed the door behind him and sent her a smile to let her know that everything was okay. Hailey tried to smile as well, but for some reason she couldn't do it and a grimace came out.

- Come on, Hailey - she was pulled out of the shock she was in by the touch of a hand on her shoulder.

- Yes, I'm coming - she shook her head to get rid of unnecessary thoughts. She quickly gathered her things and a moment later she was already in Kevin's car.

She didn't want to talk and Kevin didn't press the issue, although Hailey could feel his worried look on her and knew he had a lot of questions. She laid her head against the glass and watched the passing streetlights. She closed her eyes and let a few tears run down her cheeks. She knew this was the first time Kevin had seen her like this, but she no longer had the strength to pretend to be strong, and she knew Kevin was one of those people she wasn't ashamed to show emotion around, and she also knew he wouldn't ask any questions if she wasn't comfortable. So now they were driving to her house and in silence, punctuated by street sounds.

[anonthenullifier]

Alright, my headcanon/prompt that's been living in my mind rent free is the idea that Vision doesn't buy Wanda flowers, he buys her vases with sprouts on them, new life ready to grow. When he first heard of people gifting each other flowers he didn't fully understand why you would kill something, and make your loved one watch it slowly wilt away, when you could get them something they'd help survive. After watching so many loved ones die, I just think Wanda would be really touched to help something live and grow (just like her love for him blossoming)

I love this head canon so much. So damn much! I’ve written a story before (It’s About Thyme) that has them planting a garden and nurturing it as a way to mirror their relationship so to say I like to think about them with plants is an understatement. And then your gorgeous head canon looks at it in a way I never thought about and it’s perfect. Thank you for sharing it!

Here’s a little fic that came to mind as I was reading your ask. I hope you like it!

—

To say Vision is perplexed would be an understatement. Which is itself surprising because he has come to a tentative theory that to be human is to be irrational, and yet this, this crosses a line of reasoning he cannot begin to fathom. Typically he would have Wanda here to volley his concerns towards and to then explain in however many examples and phrasings that it takes for him to understand. Except he is here covertly, under the expert opinion of Sam, to procure a token of affection for all that Wanda provides him. Which brings him to a standstill of indecision waltzing along with a niggling horror at all the implications.

Luckily for him, he hopes, there is a sales associate close by. “Pardon me?” The man turns towards him, brown apron emblazoned with stitched on daisies and a name tag that reads Samuel, a fitting name since the other Samuel in Vision’s life suggested this course of questionable action. “I was advised that purchasing and gifting flowers is a socially appropriate way to convey affection.”

Samuel’s eyes squint for half a second, a common reaction whenever Vision goes out in public. “Uh, yeah. What does your special um,” this scanning over of Vision’s body is also common, uncomfortable, but he does his best to act unperturbed otherwise it might stoke potential fear into ire from his observer, “individual like? We’ve got roses, carnations, lilies, daisies, asters. Anything float your boat?”

If this decision were a boat it would be taking on waves at the moment. “But all of these have been removed from their roots.”

“Yeah, kinda the whole point of making a bouquet.”

The sass is not appreciated but Vision believes in remaining polite because the attitude of the man could be compounded with mistreatment from other customers or negative life events and not solely due to Vision’s inquiry. “Does that not mean they will wilt and die?”

Samuel does not share the distaste for this thought, a simple shrug and a rather unhelpful piece of advice given, “They all come with flower food, helps them stay fresh a bit longer.”

“I see.” Vision determines this issue may be best cogitated alone, so he sends a polite, tight lipped smile towards the man, “Thank you, Samuel.”

“Yep.”

The man leaves and Vision continues his stare down with the beautifully variegated display case in front of him. The differing colors and petal shapes form a kaleidoscope of awe, one that feels romantic and wispy and desirable. Except they will all wilt, the petals will curl up and fall to the ground, and within a week it will be in the trash. His love is not so brief, so fragile and he is perplexed as to why he would present Wanda with a token that cannot survive. Would it not imply his love will fade? That he will, even if fed her own love and passion and attention, eventually fall away from her? Even if she were to dry them out, like he has seen Laura do at the Barton farmhouse, it would require her to keep them someplace safe and to never touch them, the lifeless remnants too delicate and brittle for anything other than distant observation—a poor metaphor for his intended message.

Wanda has endured so much already, the memories as vivid as the Tiger Lily in front of him, days of listlessness and tears, evenings brimming over with invasive memories of all the deaths and all the pain, the only salves he could offer were strong arms and gentle reassurances. Why would he gift her something that will also die? Provide a further suggestion that her life must always be dictated by loss? Why would anyone, rational or not, believe temporal brevity a better show of love than something lasting?

Vision turns away from the bouquets, prepared to leave the store and find somewhere quiet to reassess his gift. It is this defeated swivel that brings a small display into his view, one tucked away as if it was an afterthought. On it are simple clay pots of various sizes, bags of potting soil heaped on the ground next to it, and a little table top rotating kiosk of seed packets awaiting to be planted and nurtured into a long and beautiful life. Vision’s lips curl up at the new idea in his head.

————

There is a subtle chime to her left, in the general vicinity of her door. It is the closest he ever gets to a knock. Wanda puts her book down and waits for the unmistakable gleam of vibranium and the glow of Vision’s phasing to come through the wall located mere inches from her fully functioning door. “Hey Vizh.”

He pauses, irises twisting rapidly to the left and lips puckered as if he’s been caught doing something wrong. Which would be not using her door and yet he still persists and still always makes this face, and it’s a welcome joy in her day. “Good afternoon, Wanda.” Unlike usual, his hands remain behind his back, pulling the threads of his synthetic sweater into a tension similar to his body. “I, um, brought you something.”

Hoping to ease his nerves, she shuffles to the side a bit and then pats the mattress, inviting him to come over and haltingly lower himself to the bed, body remaining twisted to hide whatever it is. “What is it?”

Slowly he brings his arms into view and in his right hand is a clay pot with a little seed packet inside, all wrapped up in a red bow, and in his left is clenched a small bag of soil. Wanda shares her gratitude with a smile, scarlet twining around the gifts and bringing them to her hands to inspect them closer. “I had been informed by a trusted associate that flowers are considered the socially acceptable gift for conveying affection.”

Gently, soothingly she offers a minor correction, knowing he doesn't like to be embarrassed by misinterpreting social advice. “Usually they mean a bouquet.”

A grave nod accompanies his, “I am aware.” Vision lifts his hand, waving it around to help usher out the full story, “But it seemed incongruous to provide you a fleeting gift for a sentiment that is not so,” he hesitates, maybe because he realizes the implication himself or because he can see it in the growing smile on her face, either way he’s committed to the admission of how long he sees this new relationship going and she’s hoping he won’t back down now. And he doesn’t, even if he stammers through it. “brief. I would rather my affections be shown in an appropriately long lasting form.”

Experiencing the fascinating way his mind works is always a pleasure and, due to listening to him and learning the way he thinks and feels, she understands it perfectly, feels a deep, warming thankfulness at this chance to play a hand in allowing something to live and grow, a chance she’s been denied so much before. Wanda ropes him closer with her powers and firmly plants a kiss to his nervous smile. “Thank you.” She unwraps the bow and studies the picture of a happy sunflower, a little confused. “I didn’t think these were indoor plants.”

“Oh well,” now that an explanation that is not tied to emotions is needed, he loosens up, “they are meant to be started and nurtured indoors and then, once large enough, can be moved outside or to a greenhouse.”

“Do we have a greenhouse here?”

Vision considers this, lips parted as his thoughts tick away. “Well no, but it could be enjoyable to convert one of the older equipment sheds into such a structure so we could have a year round garden.”

This simple gift blossoms into something bigger, something rooted in a hope for a future together. “I think it would be fun.”

“Yes,” Vision slips back into a slight, carefully paced cadence, “I selected this particular flower because it is often symbolic of adoration, loyalty and um,” he acts as if his actions have not already made it clear, as if his words should be a surprise, one he isn’t certain she’ll like, “longevity.”

Wanda offers a sunny smile, hoping to sear away any question as to her appreciation and reciprocal feelings, “I love it.” An equally exuberant curve forms on his lips. “Want to help me plant it?”

His instantaneous and joyful, “Of course,” is all it takes to settle them into a path towards a life and love they’ll nurture together.

[bitchapalooza]

Some ADHD headcanons I guess (coming from someone with ADHD btw)

America:

He takes medication to help manage his ADHD however he does often forget.

More often than not, it's either a simple call or text from Canada asking if he's taken it yet or its his cool little alien roommate that shoves his meds catty into his face like "take the fucking capsule take the fucking capsule take the fuc" until he finally takes it.

America's stims are: rocking or swaying back and forth or side to side, waving his arms when excited or uncomfortable/frustrated, when incredibly anxious he uses a small beanbag he carries around to feel the beads inside as it helps him ground himself from getting overestimated.

One of his biggest, long lasting, hyperfixations is airplanes! He loves watching them take off and fly, taking them apart and studying them then putting it all back together by hand, making model planes to display, flying them himself— go ahead and ask him about airplanes, he'll get the biggest smile you've ever seen!

America didn't know, for the longest time, that what he has been experiencing is overstimulation. He simply thought he was being a brat about certain situations, what is lashing out and such. Although he understands now that doesn't mean there's any less panic, or at certain times aggression. He tries his best to push through it to get work done as he believes it'll somehow pass faster if he does so. He doesn't get it often thanks to learning how manage it better.

Hypersensitivity issues: tags in clothes, long sleeves that grasp too tightly(tight used loosely as to him tight is something like a bracelet) to his wrist, slimey or sticky things.

People who help him best: Canada, England(to his best abilities), Lithuania, Romano, and Japan.

North Italy

Vene does not take medication. He simply forgets too often and is too self conscious about telling people he takes medication, even to his own brother. He'd just like that to stay private is all. If he forgets so much to the point of the meds expiring with barely any use, he'd rather not take them all.

Instead, Vene had learned how to keep his own focus. He hangs up sticky note reminders or has a digital to-do list synced on his phone and laptop as he's always on them for work anyway. He's learned association words to go with dates and whatevers scheduled for those dates. It's not the greatest but at least he's not wasting anything that could very well go to someone else who needs it.

Vene's stims are: waving his arms or flapping his hands around, jiggling his leg up and down, humming— sometimes he'll put his hand just below his Adam's apple to feel the vibrations. He chews pencils and pens, jiggles pens and pencils between his fingers too. He'll also pass pens, pencils, straws—basically anything possible— between his fingers back and forth.

Cooking and painting/drawing are the two things he considers his biggest hyperfixations. Cooking he prefers to do on his own mostly as being crowded in one place while having so much to do makes his nerves go nuts. But he doesn't mind company when he's drawing or painting. He actually feels better with company at that point. He tends to get extremely quiet as he concentrates on his art so it gets pretty silent around by default. He likes it when people are around to fill in that space. When asked about cooking and art, he'll ramble and ramble nonstop about his favorite artists or chefs or what have you until he's tired.

Vene gets overstimulated a lot and this is due to his habit of just staying put and doing nothing about what's bothering him or not recognizing the annoyances at all. He gets very squirming, moving around a lot, when overstimulated. But still does nothing which leads to breakdowns that he still tries to ignore is happening. When asked, he'll just say he didn't get enough sleep and leave it at that. He simply doesn't want to broadcast this side of himself in case anyone thinks even lesser of him more than they may or may not do now.

Hypersensitivity issues: certains foods touching(rolls or toast CANNOT be on the same plate as his eggs or anything with sauceon it, absolutely no thank you, they'll get too soggy and v*mit inducing when even looking at it), his socks cannot have seams in them as they run the risk of touching his toes nor can the band be touching his ankles(so he normally wears knee high socks inside out as seamless seem to be hard to find). Most foods he can handle but honestly mashed potatoes give him a lot of anxiety. To him, the texture looks like it'll feel like sandpaper on his tongue. So he avoids it despite never even trying it in the first place.

People who help him best: Romano, Germany(he tries but he only understands the basic textbook definition, not Vene's personal experience; and that's really enough for Vene honestly), Seborga, Japan, and Hungary.

Sealand

He fights Sweden, Finland and England about it but he does take medication. When at Sweden's, he tends to fall on bribing him to take it while Finland has already given up 30 minutes prior. At England's, he manages to get him to take it easily by threatening to take his games away(works every time).

Sealand doesn't really like the medicine as it makes him feel..... run down. He much rather prefers to feel very active all day than to feel like a zombie. But everyone has told him its for his own good so he at least attempts to listen. Key word: ATTEMPTS.

Sealand mostly rocks on his heels, sucks his teeth repeatedly for the sound, or fiddles with the joystick of the stim toy Finland bought him when he stims. He still moves around a lot regardless but he is a kid afterall.

Sealand mostly hyperfixates on his country status, that is true. However, he's also taken a liking to puzzles and legos. He's got about 14 puzzles finished and framed, a tiger puzzle is even hanging in the kitchen(Sweden's) for everyone to see! As for legos, Sealand just really likes to build little cities out of them and pretends their a part of his country. He never uses the people pieces, instead he just collects them and occasionally swaps their hair pieces out between the figures.

He doesn't exactly get overstimulated often. In fact its pretty rare. But when it does happen it's mostly when he's in the big cities surrounded by noisy cars and too many people. He clings as close as possible to whoever he's with, which is most often England. When he's alone, which is a lot as he kind of runs off on his own despite everyone telling him not to, he simply breaks down. Thankfully he has all his contacts in order and no phone lock so its easily accessible for anyone in case of emergency.

Hypersensitivity issues: None of his food can touch so he still uses dividing plates. The textures of broccoli and rice makes him incredibly uncomfortable. He won't eat beans unless he serves his own portion just to make sure it's not TOO goopy. And lastly he refuses to let anyone pick him up— he doesn't like anyone, not even those he considers family, to touch the sides of his stomach and much less under his arms. He says there's just something about it that makes him want to curl up and get away, its incredibly uncomfortable.

People who help him best: Sweden, Finland, England*, Latvia, and Seborga.

*England has better understanding with ADHD in children than he does with adults. As childrens' ADHD tend to be more presentable than adults', England can better recognize it and feels better in helping. ADHD was not a diagnosis prior to the 1900s so England did not know that what America had when he was child was ADHD, he simply believed he was a trouble maker. After taking care of Sealand and getting his diagnosis he later realized the similarities between them both and apologized to America for the harsh berating he gave him as a child. And when America later got his own diagnosis in the early 2000s, England further apologized and offered him as much help as possible while he adjusts with his new diagnosis. He had trouble with America but he at least tries which is all that counts in the end.

[kamilah-the-bloodqueen]

Chapter I: The Detective

Notes: I have decided that I am going to rewrite my Mafia AU with (hopefully) better quality overall (plot, exposition, character development, angst, slowburn, etc). If not for the sake of better quality - then let’s just say it’s for my own entertainment and I’ll select a different name for this AU. I am still working on ‘Remember Me’ and ‘The Cafe’ which are also 2 AUs I have in the works in addition to the dozens of one-shots and fic requests I also am working on - this AU just came to my mind and it’s flowing really well so I’m writing it now. I’ll put the rest of my rambling in the tags. 

Pairing: Kamilah x MC (Amy Donovan)

Word Count: 2111 (Aiming for 4000+ words per chapter after this one)

Tags: @samanthadalton @cloud9in @shows-simp-card @alleycat97 @veenast @maskedalienfreak (If you’d like to be added/removed please let me know - also specify if you’d only like to be tagged for this series or all my work etc etc.)

Warnings: Violence, Blood, Language, Graphic Concepts, Death (Please be cautious - the theme is pretty dark and some of these chapters will be graphic so if you feel hesitant at all feel free to skip those chapters - I’ll try to make the story flow even if you do skip them :) )

“Stay with me, don’t leave me please god no please...Ashton...no…” Amy sobbed as she held her dying brother in her arms, his blood spilling onto her white blouse as she held his head close to her heart. She desperately placed a hand over the bullet wound in his chest as tears rolled down her face. Her heart broke with every small gasp that left his paled lips, she cupped his face in an urgent attempt to meet his eyes one last time as she said goodbye to her best friend. “Damn it...you...I love you..I love you okay? I’ve always loved you...god I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry…I...I’m going to avenge you...I swear I will..” She rocked back and forth with his corpse in her arms as the distant sound of police sirens grew nearer and nearer. 

“Amy...promise...promise…” Ashton gasped as his body grew colder by the second as blood spurted from his mouth, “promise you’ll live your life for me…” His low voice faded into a whisper and then to silence as police cars pulled up to the heartbreaking scene. Several FBI agents stepped out of their vehicles, most of them moving around the site and keeping their distance from Amy, only one of them stepping towards her as she spoke in a soft whisper. 

“I...I promise...Ashton…” 

The soft footsteps of the agent stopped behind her as she let out a long shaky breath, her arms gently lowering her brother’s corpse onto the pavement. 

“Marco...I...I have to avenge him.” Amy stood with confidence, her sadness replaced by a burning fury that was unparalleled to any anger she had ever felt in her life. Her bloody hands curled into tight fists as she reached for her gun, glocking it and placing it into her messy hidden holster. 

“Amy...just...breathe...maybe it’s better for someone else to take this one. We don’t want you to get hurt or to make any rash decisions-” Marco placed his hands in the air as Amy furiously turned to him, her brown eyes burning right through him as she stepped towards him. 

“My brother was just killed..no...brutally murdered by the Mafia and you’re telling me I can’t take the case so that I may avenge my brother? You think that I can’t handle this line of work Marco?” Amy’s voice was calm despite her posture, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she let her shoulders relax. “I can assure you, if anyone should take this case, it should be me. I’m young but I’m experienced - I come from a long line of FBI agents and you damn well know I can handle myself in a fight.” 

“Well, it’s not my decision to make but I’m sure we can talk to Otto about it. He likes you and he knows you’re effective - I don’t doubt that he’ll let you handle this case...and that’s why I suggested for you not to take it but I suppose you’re also our best agent for the job…” Marco lowered his voice as Amy sighed with a soft chuckle, her soft eyes meeting his before she began walking towards the black jeep. 

“Marco, if you thought I was a driven investigator when it’s not personal...you have no idea what I am capable of when it is personal…” Amy popped the jeep door open and started the engine as Marco frowned through the driver’s window. They exchanged a silent nod of agreement as Amy sped off towards their headquarters while Marco turned back to the bloody scene, letting out a soft whisper as he regained his composure. 

“...that’s what I’m afraid of Donovan…” 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amy parked the jeep in her executive parking space with a screech, as her heavy footsteps rang through the empty garage. She sighed to herself as she approached HQ, making sure her gun had its safety on and that she looked somewhat composed despite her blood stained clothes and obviously puffy eyes. She pushed the doors open as everyone turned to her, their faces stricken with shock and fear as she strided towards Otto’s office. 

“Otto.” She threw the door open as a sturdy old man looked up from his disorganized desk, his gaze shifting from shock to empathetic as Amy leaned over with both her hands resting on the desk.

“Donovan I know what you’re going to ask and the case is yours.” Otto met her gaze as Amy let out a sigh of relief, letting her shoulders slump as she seated herself across from the man. 

“Thank god, I thought I was going to have to threaten you or something. Do you have the files for me?” 

“They’ve already been sent to your office, along with proper equipment, your team debriefing, and a generous amount of funding - so you better be the woman for the job.” 

“Perfect, you’re always a step ahead of me when it comes to these types of things Otto.”

“That’s the only way we’d survive Amy. Now, onto more important matters, are you alright darlin? That...when Maria heard the gunshots and the screaming...and then the crying...we...we all knew what was happening. If you need a few days, or even a week or longer before you start...just let us know...no need to jump right to it if you need the time to grieve.” Otto leaned back in his leather chair, his hands gently placed over Amy’s as he scrunched his nose in an attempt to shift his glasses up. 

“I appreciate it Otto, but if I’m going to be effective, it’s going to be best to start working now while the tracks are fresh. Can I get Mituso to run diagnostics on any fingerprints on that gun? I doubt we need an autopsy but I don’t mind letting Ashton’s body be studied for a few days before the funeral.”

“Alright Donovan, if you say you’re fine then I believe you. Yes I can get Mistuso to run an Autopsy, why don’t you head to your office to clean yourself up and then debrief. If we get any information we’ll email it to you and let you know, meanwhile if you come to any conclusions on your own about the case, well, you know how to handle it.”

“I’ll see myself out then, thank you Otto.” 

Amy softly shut his office door before striding to the elevators and hitting the ‘up’ button. A tall man approached her from behind and placed a firm hand on her shoulders as the elevator dinged upon arrival. She slowly stepped through the doors, her hand hitting the button for the eighth floor as she rested her head on the wall. Once the elevator doors opened she made her way towards her private bathroom, allowing herself to undress and change into a similar outfit, except the blouse, pants, shoes and everything else was black. She sized herself up in the mirror, satisfied in her appearance before she made her way towards her office. The doors opened after she scanned her photo ID and tears rolled down her face as she met the eyes of the man slumped at her desk. 

“Jackson...I…” Amy hurried to hug him, knowing it was as hard on him as it was on her. 

“Ames...did...did he suffer? Tell me he didn’t suffer…” Jackson’s eyes dripped with tears as Amy held him close. 

“I...if he did...I...just don’t think about it Jackson…” 

“I loved him. We were all like family, I...god Amy I was going to propose to him and now I’ll never get the chance…” 

“Jackson...I’m...I...I’m sorry…” 

Tears streamed down their faces as they stood there together, the sound of their sniffles and sobs filling the office before they pulled apart. 

“Otto doesn’t usually let someone from my department work in cases like this but...he let me petition and I’m in your squad.” 

“Jackson...can...okay…” 

“I can handle it Amy. If you’re allowed to work on this case...then I think I should be able to work on it too.” 

“Fair point. We need to start now though, despite our grief we’re going to get the best leads while it’s fresh. I want these bastards to pay for what they did with blood.” Amy slammed her fist into the table as Jackson slid her a hefty stack of beige files. 

“I assume these are the leads we have right now?” 

“Yes, although there’s not as many as there appears to be. We know who killed him, and we know who he works for but the issue is...well...I’ll let you have a look for yourself. I’m going to go talk to Otto about upgrading my rifles, I’m going to need more than a sniper rifle for this case.” 

“Alright, call me if you need me later Jackson. I’ll be here all night looking over all of this.”

“Yeah. See you Amy.”

“Jackson?”

“Stay safe out there okay? You’re the last person I’ve got now…”

“You too Amy, I’ll rendezvous with you tomorrow.”

The door clicked shut as Amy rested her head in her hands. She winced softly as all of her physical injuries caught up to her, her legs growing sore from all the chasing, her arms sore from the hand to hand combat, the cuts and bruises on her torso and head finally coming to light as she felt a wave of exhaustion overtake her. 

“There ain’t no rest for the wicked.” Amy mumbled to herself as she pulled out her coffee maker and brewed herself a generous portion of coffee. As she finished pouring the coffee, she caught sight of the frame resting on her desk - with a photo of her with her family at the beach. She shortly found herself breaking down after, as she held the frame in her chest, her whole body shaking with anger, sadness, fear and shock as she reminisced on when her family wasn’t all dead. “I...how can I do this…? No...I have to do this...or I have to die trying…” 

Amy shakily brought herself to her feet, gently placing the photo back onto her desk as she sipped on her coffee and began scanning the files. There was no question about the assailant, or his employer - it was the level of difficulty that was the issue. Killing a lower level hitman in the mafia was no fuss for the FBI - those targets were messy and unimportant to the mafia, so there was no major backfire after those eliminations. Amy opened the four files that laid on her desk, taking in the four faces that rested within each. 

Antonio Santiago

Marksman - Hitman (Level 8) 

Description: Male; Strong build with broad shoulders; Brown hair - usually shaggy or slicked back; Right handed; Tends to dress in black and white with a leather jacket; Light Brown eyes

Age: 26

Height: 5’11 

Warnings: Typically carries two handguns, a concealed knife, peppery spray, taser and has assault rifles hidden within his vehicles

Total Assassinations: 27 

Amy picked up his photo, taking in the face of her brother’s murderer - his description was pretty generic but after taking in the photo Amy knew she’d be able to recognize his nose on the spot. 

“It’s crooked, oooh when I get my hands on you Antonio - I’m going to punch you in the nose so fucking hard it’ll be straight. I’ll make sure of it.” Amy calmed herself down, knowing she’d lose her leads if she lost control and didn’t plan accordingly. She closed his file and pushed it aside as she reached for the other person file, waiting to read over the two previous incident cases later. 

Kamilah Sayeed

Primary Mafia Arms Dealer and Top Assassin

Description: Female; Lean and Muscular build; Medium length brown hair - either in a ponytail or worn down; Brown eyes; Ambidextrous; Tends to dress in a black or maroon suit with heels

Age: 30

Height: 6’0

Warnings: Carries two concealed handguns at all times; Usually accompanied by two or more discrete bodyguards; UNSAFE TO ENGAGE ALONE; Very skilled in hand to hand combat; Seductive and Flirtatious; Ruthless and Merciless

Total Assassinations: 288 

Amy gazed at the woman’s image, captivated by the depth of her eyes as she narrowed her sight. The woman was beautiful, but deadly and Amy knew that. 

“It’s always the pretty ones that are psycho…” Amy laughed lightly as she folded the file and collapsed into her chair. She closed her eyes and rested her hands on her desk as she slowly drifted off to sleep. 

[sailor-freak]

About Marilyn Manson

So I’ve never really listened to Marilyn Manson but I don’t think that matters? He’s a big name in the dark music world so I feel like it’s my place to talk about this more than anyone else who is exposed as a predator and/or an abuser (I have put trigger warnings in the tags so if it does affect you please ignore this as I will be using words regarding him like that). Similar to the accusations against Ashley Purdy I will defend the victims (in this case Evan Rachel Wood), because that’s what you SHOULD do.

Anyone who will defend Marilyn Manson, in the same way as those who defended Ashley Purdy, do not follow me, do not engage with me, do not try and twist this story so your fave comes out on top. Anyone defending him are defending because he’s your favourite musician or whatever, I and everyone supporting Evan Rachel Wood and the other women who have spoken out against Marilyn Manson are supporting because they are telling the truth. People can tell lies, people can make up evidence, but it doesn’t mean EVERYONE is. I would much rather support a victim who turned out to be lying, than support an abuser who actually is. If what they are accusing is fake, I will admit I was wrong to support them. But I doubt they are, because what reason would they have to put themselves through that? I am fortunate to not have had an experience like this, but I know people who have, you know people who have, and when the person in question is such a big, powerful and rich person, people will wait until they are DEAD to open up. Look at Jimmy Savile, everyone knew what he was up to, everyone he abused waited until he couldn’t do anything to speak against him. These women are very strong to open up about it while he is still alive, why should you attack them for it? They’re putting themselves through so much, after already going through hell, I see absolutely no reason why they would do this to themselves. It is not okay to defend him, it is not okay to defend anyone who is accused of this behaviour unless there is a real lack of evidence. Evan Rachel Wood HAS evidence. I see no reason not to believe her or support her.

I said this about Ashley Purdy so I’ll say it here, if you are a victim of sexual misconduct, I will 100% always support you. Again, I’m fortunate to have not experienced it myself, but it is something nobody should have to go through, no matter what gender you are either. The only people who deserve to be condemned are the ones committing these actions.