jessiemeows

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can’t wait for photo mode

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i didnt play yesterday or really the day before that so im glad to be back with my babies <3 my goal is to acquire minsc tonight

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so how's it going

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Hear me out Orin outfit but iridescent

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pot 2😀 i think after this i can go get my coffee

so my heater in my car does not work like it works but only after i’ve driven a half hour and starting my car doesn’t warm it up either 😭 so here i am prob looking insane to my neighbors coming out of my house with boiling hot water 😭😭 in my defense it worked well 💀

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i just want to go to get a coffee before work and i’d rather not go with my windshield is covered in ice 😭😭😭 before u ask yes i’m getting an ice coffee it’s what we mass people do

so my heater in my car does not work like it works but only after i’ve driven a half hour and starting my car doesn’t warm it up either 😭 so here i am prob looking insane to my neighbors coming out of my house with boiling hot water 😭😭 in my defense it worked well 💀

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so my heater in my car does not work like it works but only after i’ve driven a half hour and starting my car doesn’t warm it up either 😭 so here i am prob looking insane to my neighbors coming out of my house with boiling hot water 😭😭 in my defense it worked well 💀

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finally found what i was looking for and i feel lied to, people told me astarion's scene was entirely different when it came to discussing wyll's pact when it was all the same lmfao just one line in act 1 D:

crying im trying to find the dialouge where astarion can read wyll pact and I cant find it anywhere this is for his origin. I even skipped through peoples playthroughs of origin astarion on youtube and of course they dont show that part lmfao

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and why doesnt anyone longrest omg i finally found it took long enough

crying im trying to find the dialouge where astarion can read wyll pact and I cant find it anywhere this is for his origin. I even skipped through peoples playthroughs of origin astarion on youtube and of course they dont show that part lmfao

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crying im trying to find the dialouge where astarion can read wyll pact and I cant find it anywhere this is for his origin. I even skipped through peoples playthroughs of origin astarion on youtube and of course they dont show that part lmfao

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not a lot of good scary movies have come out lately which is disappointing, I mean nosferatu was a pretty good movie but it didn't genuinely scare me.

Honestly, the last two movies that like literally made me rethink my life and was genuinely scared of were 'Split' and 'Hereditary'. 'Midsommar' is prob like a close third for me as well. TBH looking at my list of fave horror movies I realized I'm more scared of people than actual ghosts and monsters lmfao.

They just don't make scary ghost/monster movies like they use too :,( THOUGH I have to say the new version of 'IT' movie scared the fuck out of me lmfao even "IT 2" was scary lmfaoooo. Of course, the old versions are classics but they never scared me like the newer ones lol. but it obvi wasn't compared to split or hereditary where i was thinking about it for days lol.

A scary movie that I have no shame in liking was FNAF lmao. I loved that movie, plus HELLO?? Josh Hutcherson as Mike and Matthew Lillard as William Afton was top-tier for me. I'm not sure if they are making a 2nd movie but I'd watch the hell out of that. TB to 21 year old me in 2020 me watching hours of lore on FNAF bc for some reason I was so fascinated plus I had nothing else to do lmao.

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the thing that (imo) no one is acknowledging about astarion is that shame is a huge part of his psyche. just as much as (arguably more than) fear--an important aspect of his fear is that he fears becoming the person he was so ashamed of again.

most of the abuse he's implied to have experienced from cazador is so extremely degrading and humiliating that it's almost unimaginable. his siblings describe him as especially likely to fawn and submit for safety. leon goes out of his way to mock him for being cazador's "favorite," whatever the hell that means.

when he meets the 7,000 spawn for the first time, he's not just willing to sacrifice them for the ritual, he wants them to die--he hates them in a very visceral, personal way. the pity and guilt he feels for them is drowned out by his contempt-- they're "pathetic, horrible." if you call him out on the fact that they clearly remind him of himself, he absolutely flips out and says he killed that version of himself. he not only is willing to trick and kill his siblings, he not only thinks they deserve that, he is surprised that you feel differently. he was one of them barely a month ago! he knows that!

shame -> contempt sublimation is very real. when you hate yourself for what was done to you, it's barely a leap to begin hating others for what is done to them (I mean, he says outright that he doesn't want to help the gnome slaves in grymforge because they're depressing). he hates the person he was forced to become under cazador--the person who simpered and played along with the man systematically torturing him for his own gratification, who had to abandon all self-respect and dignity for survival, and so he draws a sharp distinction between past-astarion and free-astarion and is obsessed with separating himself from any trace of the former. anyone who's a victim like past-astarion gets hit with the full force of his contempt and disgust. free-astarion is good and worthy because he is no longer like those pathetic victims, and is free to look down on them all from his tadpole-enabled throne!

it's to the point where he actively gets joy out of seeing victims brutalized, because he's had to adopt cazador's worldview over the 200 years he spent trying to appease his every whim. (as much as he hates cazador, he also clearly "looks up" to him--he hypes him up as a threat like he's in a powerscaling argument with you. he has to! how else would he have survived?) you are either the powerful and dignified victimizer or the pathetic victim, and for once he gets to be in cazador's position, relishing the just punishment of the weak for being weak. he has no other model for what dignity can look like beyond this victimizer/victim dichotomy. if he wants basic self-respect, he thinks he has to be like this.

this isn't a good worldview, both in the moral sense and in the qualitative sense. it's miserable. astarion will never actually be able to achieve peace or happiness like this. no amount of power will satisfy his sense of shame--it certainly didn't for cazador! what he needs is to feel real compassion for other people and for his past self--not anger, not grievance, not bitterness, but actual compassion. that's part of why you get approval for talking him out of ascending--he may truly, desperately want to ascend, because everything he believes about the world is telling him that the 7,000 spawn deserve it and it's the only way for him to become worthy and whole and dignified, but even more than that, he wants someone to convince him that he's wrong.

obviously this isn't, like, the only factor at play in his head. he contains multitudes! but I do think it's an important one

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Flu induced ballet AU

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whenever i comment KITTY! about my cat on here just know this is what im sounding like

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 Amaya could hear Aylin's delighted voice carrying across the night air: "You are RESPLENDENT, Shadowheart!"

ngl writing this made me giggle lmfao

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i wrote something a little sad bc i was in my feels and may post that instead of lost and found chapter tonight, I have to edit it though which could take a bit so i may post both tonight or post one today and the other tomorrow

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both of their faces omg