#only a refusal to engage with a text on anything other than your terms maybe

[synchodai]

HBO's Continued Insistence on Dumbing Down Westerosi Politics

So there have been countless thinkpieces already on how GOT simplified the feudalist politics of Westeros (by giving a lowborn sellsword lordship over The Reach, by having no consequences for destroying the Sept of Baelor, etc.), but I haven't seen a lot of people talking about that for House of the Dragon.

The worst being that the show presupposes that Rhaenyra is the lawful heir when the books showed there are plenty of lawful arguments why she wouldn't be.

Mind you that I've been enjoying the show a lot so far. This is just to vent out my frustration with the writers' failure to fully engage with the values and protocols of the Middle Age-inspired setting. The show seems uninterested in laws of the Realm in a story ostensibly about politics, save for when they're using it as an excuse to amplify depictions of sex and violence.

Blacks vs Greens wasn't a matter of misunderstanding of who each side thought Viserys wanted on the throne. It was the Targaryens' belief of their absolute authority clashing with the Realm's established traditions. Everyone always knew who Viserys chose as heir. In Fire and Blood, Grand Maester Orwyle said as much when he was parleying with Rhaenyra on behalf of the Greens.

Rhaenyra heard his terms in stony silence, then asked Orwyle if he remembered her father, King Viserys. "Of course, Your Grace," the maester answered. "Perhaps you can tell us who he named as his heir and successor," the queen said, her crown upon her head. "You, Your Grace," Orwyle replied. And Rhaenyra nodded and said, "With your own tongue you admit I am your lawful queen. Why do you serve my half-brother, the pretender?" Munkun tells us that Orwyle gave a long and erudite reply, citing the Andal law and the Great Council of 101. Mushroom claims he stammered and voided his bladder. Whichever is true, his answer did not satisfy Princess Rhaenyra.

(For non-F&B readers: Munkun is the Grand Maester who served Aegon III, the king who came after this civil war. Munkun's book, The Dance of the Dragons, A True Telling, is one of Fire and Blood's source texts. Mushroom is the King Landing court jester from Viserys I to Aegon III's reign. One is a source written with academic rigor but is secondhand at best. The other is a firsthand eyewitness account but is from a literal fool who will take every chance to make things more scandalous and sexual to please the crowd.)

In House of the Dragon, they replaced Orwyle with Otto and Orwyle's discussion of legal precedent with Otto handing Rhaenyra a book page from Alicent. It's quite evident here that the writers, much like Mushroom, thought a discussion on the actual laws of the Realm were negligible in this story about a succession war.

Even Alicent made no pretense that Viserys chose Rhaenyra over her children and I have no idea why the HBO writers decided to make her mistakenly think otherwise. Maybe they thought a queen regent pushing her son to take the throne over another woman made her appear unsympathetic as a character, but if anything, this only makes show!Alicent less politically savvy and more delusional than her book counterpart, fully believing an addled king's vague muttering on his deathbed was sufficient grounds to change heirs last minute.

Book!Alicent following Andal laws instead of her husband's wishes makes sense given her Andal upbringing, her devotion to the Faith of the Seven which enforces said laws, and her desire to protect her children from Rhaenyra given that Rhaenyra has shown she's not above murdering family (see: Laenor).

In the books, there was a long discussion between the former king's council on who should succeed Viserys.

Here are the arguments for Rhaenyra:

Rhaenyra was older than her brothers and had more Targaryen blood

the late king had chosen her as his successor, that he had repeatedly refused to alter the succession despite the pleadings of Queen Alicent and her greens

hundreds of lords and landed knights had done obeisance to the princess in 105 AC, and sworn solemn oaths to defend her rights.

Here are the arguments for Aegon II:

many of the lords who had sworn to defend the succession of Princess Rhaenyra were long dead [...]

Ironrod, the master of laws, cited the Great Council of 101 and the Old King’s choice of Baelon rather than Rhaenys in 92

the hallowed Andal tradition wherein the rights of a trueborn son always came before the rights of a mere daughter

Ser Otto reminded them that Rhaenyra’s husband was none other than Prince Daemon, and “we all know that one’s nature. Make no mistake, should Rhaenyra ever sit the Iron Throne, it will be Lord Flea Bottom who rules us, a king consort as cruel and unforgiving as Maegor ever was [...]”

Should the princess reign [...] Jacaerys Velaryon would rule after her. “Seven save this realm if we seat a bastard on the Iron Throne.”

Once again, the show chose to cut out this long political discussion. Instead, the council had already made up their mind and decided to stage a coup (when in their perspectives from the books, it would definitely not be a coup).

For all their marketing how two sides are equally grey, HotD is actively delegitimizing Aegon II. The strongest argument for him is how his claim follows the laws of the Realm, but the show doesn't seem to care about the laws of the Realm or the political need to maintain a more predictable/tested transfer of power.

Instead, the show focuses on Viserys's relationship with his daughter and the mysticism of the Targaryen bloodline. In doing so, they emphasize Rhaenyra's strongest arguments for succession — that she's more of a Targaryen than her half-brother and that her father prefered her.

And what for? Because in our modern-day, we don't have male-prefered inheritance and people can only imagine misogyny as the only injustice here? What about the injustice of a monarch exercising absolute control, thinking that his "superior" heritage makes him above the established laws of the native people?

This is not to say Aegon II is unquestionably the heir. But this is to say that the show removed the political nuance of why people are questioning in the first place. Precedence isn't the end-all-be-all of succession, but neither is "because daddy said so".

[midgardianweasley]

The Wedding Series

It took me a while, but, i’ve finallyyy got part 2 of the series up<33 

Ring her up

Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Summary: with an ever growing feeling of love for her girlfriend, Y/N wants to take the next step, but, like every plan, she needs to carry out step number one.

Word Count: 2k

Message/ask if you want to join the taglist! 

Part one | Part two 

It had been four years since the day you and Natasha had started dating, four wonderful years. The team hadn’t let either of you forget about the night you both got together, how they all saw it coming and how they couldn’t believe you both hadn’t seen it sooner. Looking back, you weren’t so sure yourself, but you liked the story of how you became girlfriends, even if it was something straight out of a rom-com.

Over the course of four years, it only made you more and more certain that she was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Unlike the story that brought you both together, this wasn’t a big moment of realisation. It was in the little things. It was in the way she protected and cared for you. In the way she had always been the one to wipe your tears and in the way she’d laugh with you in the rain when you were happy.

The two of you had discussed many things over the years, now having moved out into your own apartment together, you were beginning to take big steps in your relationship so some conversations had arisen in the process. Marriage being one of them.

__________________________

You were both sitting in your living room, snuggled up together on the sofa, a blanket draped over the two of you as you watched ‘Friends’, though you weren’t really watching it.

“Take a picture, it lasts longer.” She whispered, not looking at you but with a knowing smirk on her face.

“Why would I when I have the real thing right in front of me?”

“Touché”

You briefly returned your attention back to the screen in front of you, watching a scene unfold where the main characters are running in and out of a wedding chapel in Vegas. Seeing them had sparked a thought in your head as you looked up adoringly at your girlfriend, never breaking your eyes away, even when she grabbed the remote and paused your programme to give you her full attention.

“Okay, what’s up?”

“Who says something has to be up? Maybe I just want to appreciate how pretty you are.” You gave her puppy eyes, but she knew better than to fall for that.

“I can practically feel the cogs turning in that head of yours. C’mon, you can tell me Detka.”

You quickly glanced between the television screen and her eyes, taking note of the curiosity lingering in her eyes, alongside some concern which made you admit defeat.

“I was just thinking, y’know, about us.”

“Right, is something wrong?” She took your hands in hers, the pad of her thumb gently stroking the back of them, silently encouraging you to continue.

“No! No, not at all. It was just watching this, it got me thinking, what are your thoughts on getting married?” She opened her mouth to speak, but you quickly cut her off before she could get a word out. “I don’t necessarily mean to me! Just generally! Well, it would be nice if it was me, but I don’t want to put any-”

“Babe, slow down, breathe.” She chuckled while you caught your breath, only continuing once you’d calmed yourself down from your ramble.

“First of all, I like the thought of getting married, I could see myself doing it. But, in terms of who I would marry, it would be you.”

“Really? You’re serious?”

“I’m serious. You’re it for me. There isn’t anyone else.”

You didn’t know why tears appeared in your eyes, it was a perfect answer, an answer most people dreamed of getting. Nonetheless, they built up, completely blurring your vision, even as they fell. Natasha was quick to wipe them away as they did, and despite you not being able to see much, it was near impossible to miss the love she held in her eyes as she looked at you.

“I love you.” You mumbled, placing your hand over the one that she held on your cheek.

“I love you more.” She placed her forehead against yours, eyes closed as she enjoyed the intimacy, you doing so too.

“Never.”

“Always.” She whispered before meeting your lips with a gentle, loving kiss.

That conversation was your most recent, it will have been months ago now. As time went on, the feeling inside of you only grew, and you became more certain with every moment shared between you both, that you want to marry this woman. You want to marry Natasha Romanoff.

_______________________

You didn’t know where to begin, so you did what first came to mind.

You called your best friend. Thankfully, Nat was currently out with Steve, picking up after him again. Though you’d usually be moody at the fact that she had to leave, this time you couldn’t help but try to encourage her to go, spiking her curiosity at your actions, but still leaving nonetheless, giving you the perfect opportunity to call and ask for help.

“Wanda, Wanda, help.” You immediately rambled as soon as she picked up the phone.

“Y/N? Everything okay?”

“Yes. Well, kinda, no, yes?”

“Right, thank you for clearing that up.” She let out a hearty laugh over the phone

“I want to propose.”

“To Natasha?”

“Who else?”

“I just wanted to clarify!” She exclaimed, a hint of defense in her tone.

Silence fell upon the phone call,

“Oh my- You want to marry Natasha.”

“Isn’t that what I just said?”

“We need to start making plans! What dress would you like? Ooh where should the venue be? I heard-”

“Wan’, is that not a bit too soon? I don’t even have an idea for a proposal or a ring or anything.”

One sound. One sound was all it took for you to know that you had no idea what you had just gotten yourself into as Wanda gasped, quickly hanging up before you could even ask what was wrong.

Taking a look at your phone, you saw an unread text from Wanda, sent only seconds ago.

Wan<3   ‘Get your shoes on, I’ll be over in 10. We’re going out.’                                               Delivered.

At least now you know where to start.

Okay, you’re still not sure, but at least someone does. ______________________________

It wasn’t long before Wanda had arrived at your house, dragged you outside and was now pulling you along beside her as she ran around like a hyper Golden Retriever, leading you in and out of different shops, all of which had one thing in common. They sold engagement rings.

You could’ve facepalmed the minute you realised the pattern, how did an engagement ring not occur to you in the first place? You decided not to dwell on it, you’d just kick yourself later on when you’re alone to save any embarrassment.

You hadn’t realised you’d zoned out until you felt a tug on your wrist, looking up to see the culprit, a huge grin on her face as she pointed to the shop in front of the two of you. It was so..shiny. There were silver necklaces, rings, bracelets, and watches. They all looked so pretty, how were you going to decide?

“Come on! We need to go in and have a look! I have a good feeling about this one!” She squealed, even though you could’ve sworn she said that the last two times. Either way, you flashed her a quick smile, nodding and walking in. If you had to search all day for the perfect ring, so be it. It’s what Natasha deserves.

There were rows upon rows of different rings, there must’ve been hundreds, if not thousands in the brightly lit room, allowing each and every one to have a sparkle. You smiled gently at each one, imagining how they would look on your girlfriend’s hand. How it would feel for her title to go from ‘girlfriend’ to ‘Fiancé’, relying on the hope that she says yes.

A couple of minutes went by before something caught your attention. Turning your head to the left, you see one particular ring standing out to you like a beautiful, shiny sore thumb. Walking closer to inspect it, you manage to take in some more of its finer details.

It was a simple silver band, just like the majority of the others, however, while they had simple diamonds, this one had a ruby instead, the red complementing the silver perfectly. One look at it, and you were strong in your opinion that Natasha would love it.

You soon felt a presence behind you, recognising it immediately as the one who had brought you out here in the first place.

“Are you looking at the red one?” You whipped your head round.

“How did you know?”

“Because you look like you’ve decided to fall in love with that ring instead.” She raised her eyebrows, taking great enjoyment in watching you look around and get excited with almost every ring you see as you think about how it would feel if Natasha was to say ‘yes’. In all honesty, a part of you was a little scared, nervous. Marriage is a big step, and while she had said she would want to, you don’t want to get the timing wrong. You want it all to be perfect, and you would do your damn best to make it so. She was your forever, and you refused to let that slip through your fingers.

Before you could even blink, Wanda had asked the saleswoman if they could have it brought out of it’s viewing unit so that you could take a closer look, which she responded with a kind smile before unlocking the case and holding the ring out to you, exposing all of it’s edges and how it glistens differently in every light, a faint red glow appearing every so often.

This was the one.

“Could I buy this one, please?” You asked the lady who appeared to be nothing but friendly.

“Of course, let me just ring that up for you and I'll get it boxed up.” You had to hold back a small giggle at her choice of words. Immature, you know, but you didn’t overly care, feeling too over the moon at taking the first step towards marriage with the love of your life.

Wanda gave you a pearly white smile, clapping her hands in joy at how the trip has turned out, watching you now hold the small box in your hand. You didn’t blame her, this has been a success. You can’t wait.

___________________________

“Babe! I’m home!” You called, shutting the front door behind you and kicking your shoes off, the ring safely held in its box, which was settled in your back pocket.

“Hi love” Natasha walked over, placing a sweet kiss on your lips before pulling away and brushing some loose strands of hair behind your ear, a gesture you had always adored. “How was your day? I heard you went out with Wanda?”

Of course she did! Luckily, she’s not the only spy around who could think quick on her feet.

“Yeah, we went for some lunch and just had a girls day. I think she needed to get out of the compound for a bit, too much ‘boy’ energy.” You shrugged, a smile playing on your lips as you watched hers curl upwards in agreement.

“I don’t blame her, poor girl. We’ve totally abandoned her with the males.”

“Would you like to go back and stay there?”

“Absolutely not, I’m quite happy where I am, thank you.” She raised her eyebrows in a playful manner before gesturing to the TV. “Do you wanna watch some ‘Friends’?”

“Yes! I’ll just change into some comfier clothes, jeans are not the one today.” You happily agreed, quickly giving her a peck on the cheek before scurrying off to the bedroom, hoping she didn’t notice the odd shape of your pocket.

You made it into the bedroom, getting some pj’s out of your wardrobe and looking for a place to hide the ring. You were going to just put it into your bedside table, but you knew Natasha often snuck in there to steal some of your favourite moisturiser. Not as subtle as she thinks.

You settled on hiding it on the top shelf of your wardrobe, behind some storage boxes and rucksacks neither of you used, hoping it would be well hidden there.

Now all you had to do now, was wait.

Taglist: @natashas-favourite-knives @wandaromanova​ @wvnda-maximoff​

[earthstellar]

Language in TFP

A couple things I’ve been thinking about lately: 

1) We aren’t sure how the translation process/language learning process is for Cybertronians, even though there are several effective and reasonably plausible ways for them to have learnt English. 

They also might look things up in real time fast enough to learn on the go to supplement base knowledge-- It’s handy when your brain is basically a high end computer! 

But what we do absolutely know is that they’re not organic.

So how do they replicate the sounds of human speech, which are highly dependent on our actual physiology? We know that in some TF media, Cybertronians have a tongue equivalent (glossa), but is that the case in TFP? I can’t recall ever seeing a bot stick out their tongue or ever seeing one when their mouths are open wide, like when yelling. 

So there may be a real physical difficulty for them when speaking English, at least at first. The effectivity or accuracy of work-arounds may vary. 

For example, can a Cybertronian replicate a glottal stop effectively? So many human speech sounds depend on the glottis, something they don’t have, but may have an equivalent for. We don’t know exactly. 

--

2) There are some concepts and words that would just not translate, and some concepts that are familiar but so different with humans that it would be completely bizarre to them. 

We see this a little bit when Ultra Magnus asks Optimus what a kilt is after Agent Fowler mentions it, and Optimus admits he has no clue. 

Clothes, or items like shoes, etc. are all totally foreign as concepts to Cybertronians. 

Food items or similar are somewhat irrelevant to them, so they might struggle with that in terms of building vocabulary; In TFP they have one primary source of fuel, energon, although it does have variations like engex and other refined forms. We never see them eat solids of any kind in TFP that I can recall. 

But I can imagine them initially being surprised at learning about humans and human language, and how extremely different life forms on Earth are and how the language reflects that. 

Arcee: “I did a little drive around to check out the locals. They have this place called a cafe where they source their fuel, like a canteen or bar, but they seem to be able to eat pretty much anything, so I’m not sure what they were doing. Maybe a social ritual. It was weird, they seemed to go in and out pretty quickly...  Maybe they don’t like to eat around others? Do we know if humans are defensive over food? They all looked different, maybe they only eat around their own group or something.” 

Ratchet: “Pff, nonsense. These are organics, if the rest of the organic land animals we’ve seen on this planet so far are anything to go by, they have a primary diet of grasses or plant matter, perhaps mild carnivorous tendencies, something along those lines. The humans aren’t so different from the other organic life here, they just appear to have higher cognitive functions. Biologically--” 

Arcee: “I did some recon and found this.” (Shows a paper take out menu.) 

Ratchet: “These are all ingestible??? They can fuel themselves with ALL OF THIS????? Beings so tiny... I wouldn’t have imagined. Although I suppose it makes sense, they must require more energy than other smaller, simpler organics. Is this desert area so barren because they’ve stripped it of nutrient giving material? How do they process or store it all?” 

Optimus: “We should be careful not to transgress on any contested or sensitive human territories. It is good to learn more about the native life before we attempt to engage with them directly; This is potentially valuable cultural information. Well done, Arcee.” 

Bulkhead: (Looking at the menu) “They have 50 different words for fuel fluids alone! THEY HAVE 50 DIFFERENT FUEL FLUIDS!” 

Ratchet: “Remarkable... What is [coffee]?” (looks it up) “THE HUMANS ENGAGE IN WIDESPREAD CASUAL DRUG USE ???” 

--

3) We don’t know about how age (hardware age, age overall, etc.) affects Cybertronians in regards to mental acuity as it relates to language learning. Would older Cybertronians have somewhat more difficulty adapting to using a new language, or a completely different language like ones spoken by organics due to the possible difficulty in physically replicating some sounds-- Even if their processors don’t actually struggle all that much in regards to learning it, and adapting to using it was the primary struggle?  

My great-Grandma spoke Slovakian and learned English later in life; She did well, but as anyone who knows multiple languages or is from a bilingual family knows, often vocabulary was forgotten momentarily in one language or the other, so it would just be substituted with the right word in whatever language it could be remembered in at the moment. Sometimes it just happens no matter how fluent or how experienced with a language someone gets. 

Where I’m going with this, is that I really like the idea of Ratchet sometimes getting frustrated with English and just using a Cybertronian word instead, but then refusing to mention it or translate it because it’s one of the few ways in which his age shows so he tries to just cover it up. Or if he does acknowledge it, he tries to keep it on the down low, but every now and then you just hear him yell a random word and you know it’s because he just remembered it. 

I recall in S3 when Raf mentions Ratchet has been teaching him Cybertronian, at least the text form of it, to assist with tech work at the base...

But that might also result in cultural etc. language concept problems, too! Just the other direction.

Ratchet: *tries to casually, secretly slide up to Raf despite being the boxiest bot in the base* “Hello Rafael, may I interrupt briefly?” 

Raf: “Yes, Ratchet? I'm working on--”

Ratchet: “What is the word for 01010101010″ 

Raf: “...I have no idea. Can you describe it?” 

Ratchet: “You know when you get some wear and tear around the edges of your armour, perhaps some damage from the elements, and you need to debride, treat, repaint, and replace the sealant?”

Raf: “Uh, no.” 

Ratchet: “FFFFF OPTIMUS WHAT IS 010101010″

Optimus: “Rust.” 

Ratchet: “RUST” 

idk I just think it’s fun to think about space robots having to cope with weird human stuff 

[tsumwriter]

Second Best (Kuroo x Reader)

Kuroo angst where I lowkey made him a dick... sorry Kuroo stans 

Objects were being miscellaneously thrown in the air as chairs were being knocked down while you and Kuroo spit out spiteful words that neither of you really meant. 

You were fuming but really all you wanted to do was cry. 

You were tired from these fights where Kuroo would just try to get a rise out of you and vice versa. 

Typically, they were over the dumbest things like you forgetting to put your used mug in the sink or Kuroo forgetting to put the toilet seat down. They were usually dumb things like this, but today was different. 

A few hours before the fight, you had come home excited to tell Kuroo about your big promotion that you had been offered. 

You were currently a recent graduate and intern at a fashion company in Tokyo, but if you accepted, you would be a formal employee of the Paris branch. 

Of course you were going to decline, what with the recent engagement and the upcoming wedding, but you wanted to tell him anyway because it was a big deal to you. But after today, you weren’t sure if Kuroo was worth staying for. 

You had made Kuroo’s favorite meal to share the exciting news, but he had come home late without a phone call or even a text, and when you brought it up he exploded on you. 

‘Do I need to tell you everything? God, you’re my fiance not my mom.’ 

‘Well if you just told me the fucking truth then I wouldn’t need to ask every time!’ 

The saddest part was, he didn’t need to tell you where he was or who he was with because you already knew the answer to that: hanging out with his ex, Kozume Kenma. 

Kenma always seemed to be at the center of all of your fights. No matter how it started, the end was Kenma because no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t be Kenma. 

Today was no different. 

“I was with Kenma because I was trying to get away from you!” 

As soon as Kuroo spit out those words, the air in the room thickened and the temperature dropped, along with your heart. 

Each word was like a dagger to your heart and you fell into the couch in defeat. 

At first, Kuroo felt a sick satisfaction because he felt like he had won the argument. But when he saw you hugging your knees tightly while looking away from him, he knew that he had taken it too far. 

You weren’t even crying, you were just completely dejected and so was Kuroo. 

He plopped down on the other side of the couch and the only sound in the room was the creak of the couch as his weight fell onto it. 

The silence surrounding the two of you was suffocating but neither of you wanted to say the inevitable… This had to end, but no one wanted to end it. 

But you were stronger than Kuroo. You knew this. 

Kuroo Tetsuro was still in love with his ex-boyfriend and refused to admit it while you were already coming to terms with the fact that you were always second place. At first, you thought that the engagement would change him but eventually you realized that it was just you foolishly in love. 

So you broke the news to him, the ‘exciting’ news that had started this entire ordeal. 

Chin on your knees, you quietly muttered, “I was offered a promotion.” 

Kuroo’s eyes widened and he turned to you. This is what you wanted to talk about. This was why you were so excited when he came home… And then he blew up on you. 

He wanted to congratulate you. To hold you in his arms as he told you what a wonderful job you were doing but seeing you look so broken, because of what he said filled him with so much guilt that he couldn’t move. 

So he just waited for you to continue and hoped that you would forgive him. 

Meanwhile, you were looking down at the ground as you were contemplating your next words. 

A tearful breath escaped your lips as you continued. 

“It’s a textile designing position in Paris and I’m taking it.” 

You looked at the man to your left and observed his shocked expression. 

“I’m tired of this, Tetsuro- tired of us… Of you acting like you’re in love with me when we both know it was never me.” 

Kuroo reached out to pull you into his embrace, but you stood up and turned your back towards him, facing the window looking out into the city.

“(y/n)... babe, I can change. I’m sorry.” 

You laughed bitterly as you felt the salty tears falling down your face. Shaking your head, you wore a sad smile on your face before you turned to the now crying man on the couch. 

Kuroo was hunched over with his face in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. His body was shaking as he sobbed silently. 

You walked over to him and knelt on the ground next to him. 

When he felt your body next to his, he looked up with tears in his eyes. 

“I swear, it’s just a stage, baby. Everyone falls out of love but we’ll be okay. We’ll be oka-”

You shushed him gently and kissed the tears on his cheeks for the last time. 

“Tetsuro, you can’t fall out of love if you were never in love.” 

Kuroo furrowed his brows in confusion to which you laughed softly. God, he was in so much denial. 

You brought a hand to move the hair that was covering his eyes and cupped his cheek. 

“I have to go.” 

He shook his head furiously as he watched you take off your ring.

“No, please! Say the word and I’ll even cut off Kenma.” 

A tired sigh escaped you as you set the ring down on the coffee table. There was no truth in his words. This was just him saying anything and everything to get you to stay but you couldn’t do it anymore.

“Please don’t hurt me more than you already have.” 

Kuroo blinked away his tears as he watched you walk towards your shared bedroom. 

He was crying and his mouth was still spewing out apologies but some part of him felt the slightest bit of relief. 

‘I’m a monster,’ he thought to himself as he chased after you. 

-- several years later 

It was a Saturday, and you were looking out the huge window enjoying the crisp morning air on your face. 

With Paris fashion week behind you, work was slowing down, and you felt like you could finally breathe a little. Weekends finally felt like weekends and you could do things like staring out your window for no reason. Now you could finally go to the cafe you were meaning to check out, try the new rooftop bar, and visit the wineries. 

As you were going down the mental list of things you wanted to do, you heard your phone ringing.

It was an unknown number with a Japanese area code. 

‘Probably work,’ you thought. 

Since headquarters were in Japan, it was common to get random phone calls from Tokyo. It was a little odd that they were calling you on a Saturday, but you just assumed there was a client emergency so you picked up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hello? Is this (l/n) (f/n)?” 

Your heart stopped and you felt your breath hitch. How had he gotten your number? You’d gotten a new European number and only gave it to a select few in Japan. 

“Kuroo-kun, how’d you get my number?” 

This time, it was Kuroo’s turn to react. 

It had been years since the breakup, but for some reason it felt foreign, almost painful, hearing you call him by his surname. But after what he put you through, who the fuck was he to dictate what you should call him now? 

He was just glad that your voice held no venom towards him. 

Maybe Kenma was right- maybe you didn’t hate him as much as he hated himself for hurting you. 

“Hi (y/n), it’s been a while, huh? I got your number from Hitomi-chan, had to beg her for it though.” 

You let out a soft laugh that contrasted the pang in your chest as you tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. You had moved on- built an entirely new life without him, but hearing him say your name made you feel weak. But you had come too far to come crashing down again. 

“Yeah… A few years, right? How’ve you been?” 

Kuroo laughed softly, and you could imagine what he looked like. Eyes squinting the tiniest bit and his mouth turned up into the grin that you loved so much. 

“I’ve been great… Getting married actually.” 

You felt your jaw clench as you searched your brain for appropriate responses. 

It took a few seconds but you eventually responded. 

“Congratulations, that’s really exciting!” 

You flinched at how fake your own enthusiasm sounded but hoped Kuroo wouldn’t pick up. 

“It is… but I wanted to be the first one to tell you. It only felt right to tell you before you found out through instagram or something.” 

A small smile appeared on your face, even after all these years he was still thinking about you. 

“That’s thoughtful of you, Kuroo-kun. Thank you.” 

“It’s the least I can do.”

There was a brief silence before Kuroo called your name again. 

“Hey (y/n)?”

“Yes?” 

You could hear Kuroo swallow loudly and fumble with some kind of fabric, which you assumed was him loosening his tie. 

“I’m really sorry for how things ended. You deserved better and I wish I could’ve been a better man for you.” 

You paused and wiped a few stray tears from your cheeks before responding. 

“What do you want me to say, Tetsuro?” 

Your voice was shaky but so was his. Kuroo was crying too. 

“Nothing… I just want you to know that I loved you. As hard as that must be to believe, I did love you and I don’t regret one moment with you.” 

You covered your mouth and moved the phone away from your face as you tried to control your breathing through the crying. When you could breath somewhat normally, you brought the phone back to your ear. 

“I have to go, Kuroo-kun.” 

He cleared his throat, “Of course, you must be really busy.” 

Your heart was racing as you tried to decide whether or not to tell him that you were still in love with him. That there wasn’t a day that passed by where you didn’t wish you could run back into his arms. That you regretted leaving him and not just settling being his second best. 

“Hey Tetsuro?” 

“Hm?” 

Should you tell him? 

No, you would never tell him. 

“Congratulations again.” 

This was your secret to have and to hold. 

[sweetsubharry]

do have any mpreg fics? (harry gets pregnant ofc)

Yes I do!!  💖 also of course ;) there’s about 54 in this list if I counted correctly!! so it’s a long one! 

Please stay safe and read the tags everyone!!

Worth the Wait by lovelarry10

“Harry, you’re scaring me. Why did you need me to come home? I don’t mind, not if you need me, but… tell me what’s happening, love.” “I…” Harry cleared his throat, but still the words wouldn’t come. His shaking hand reached down and pulled out the picture, his breath coming in shallow pants as he handed it to Louis, who took it from him, frowning down at it.

“Whose is this?”

Louis’ blue eyes met Harry’s green then, and Harry knew he had to tell the truth.

“It’s mine. Ours. I’m pregnant, Louis.”

*****

Louis and Harry had long ago come to terms with the fact they couldn’t have children. Rapidly approaching their forties, they’re settled at work, and more than happily married.

Life, however, has other plans for the Tomlinsons.

Fill My Heart With Sweetness by loopdelouis

Harry's a late bloomer, but since his luck is shit, it's no surprise that he'd be the last to get a heat, but the first to get pregnant. In high school.

Count The Wolves And We'll Sleep Tonight by scribblewrite

Louis's the Alpha of a powerful pack and Harry's his omega.

When Harry's taken by rogue alphas, Louis will do anything to bring him home safely.

yes, you make my life worthwhile by orphan_account

Harry whispers to him that this feels like every dream he’s had for the last three years and Louis kisses his temple, behind his ear, across his cheeks and by the edge of his jaw. He runs the back of his finger across Winnie’s sleep-warm cheeks and sighs, the weight of the world finally off his shoulder.

Louis' a pediatrician, Harry's a preschooler teacher, and they're having a baby.

Weigh Us Down (We're In Love) by orphan_account

Harry’s eyes widen slightly at that. “We’re friends?”

Louis nods eagerly, smiling even wider. “Of course we are! You’re like, my first ever friend here. We just moved in, you see. Did I already tell you about that? Anyway! Maybe you can stay for dinner and I can show you my toys?”

Harry smiles. “You’ll let me play with you?”

Louis nods again, excited. “Of course!” He looks thoughtful for a moment, and then he’s slipping off the couch and crouching in front of Harry. “Oh, and Mum always kisses my wounds after she fixes them up. It makes me feel loads better all the time, so.” He leans forward and puckers his lips, pressing them over the bandage on Harry’s knee.

(harry and louis first meet when they’re eight and ten. this is their story throughout the years.)

love is so good when the love is young by drunkonyou

Louis falls for his pregnant best friend who has a bit of baggage. They make it work though.

fell in love in the morning sun by lumineres

“I'm going to die,” he wails. After about ten minutes of being in the car the discomfort got to be too much and Louis had to pull over so he could get on his hands and knees in the back seat, the only position that seemed to appeal to him. He let's out another pained cry, then grits out, “But not before I fucking kill you. This was your idea, I swear, what the fuck Louis.”

Louis does not correct him this time, he'd made that mistake two contractions ago and nearly lost his head. It had actually been Harry's idea, he'd told Louis that he hadn't forgotten the condoms, he wanted a baby. It really wasn't any trouble at all for Louis to oblige. Within a month of trying (what a wonderful month, honestly), Harry was full of Louis' baby. Like magic.

or, harry's in labor for 30 hours. louis believes in magic.

Vanished by FicNess

Harry loved Louis, Louis loved Harry. It was perfect. But after a small slip-up during some rather poorly planned sexytimes, Harry made the decision to run away. He was pretty good at hiding but Louis was also pretty good at seeking. And when Louis found him he also found a little surprise.

resolutions and lovers in the kitchen by orphan_account

Their dinner’s probably going cold, but this feels monumental. So instead of sitting them down on the table and talking about it face to face over chicken and pasta, Harry just puts his hands over Louis’ where they’re settled on his lower stomach, not letting the moment slip past them. He takes a deep breath, carefully arranging his thoughts. “She looks really lovely, Louis. Positively glowing. Her bump’s so big, and…” he trails off, breath hitching slightly when Louis lifts his hand higher, settling it right over Harry’s stomach, and that’s—

“And what, baby?” Louis asks, voice now dropped to a whisper, and Harry has to take a moment to collect his thoughts.

“She, um. She knows about you, of course, and she asked me when we’re—when we’re having a baby of our own.”

(harry teaches little kids and louis writes sports articles. they're trying for a baby.)

I'll Stand By You by harrystanslouis

Harry and Louis have been hooking up for two years. What happens when an unexpected surprise is thrown into their world?

-An mpreg, A/B/O AU featuring stupid boys in love, lots of pining, and a happy ending.

So Long I've Been Waiting by kikikryslee

Niall held up his glass in a toast. “Cheers.” Harry stared at Louis as he brought the glass up to his lips, unsure of what to do. It wasn’t like he could refuse the drink, but he certainly didn’t want to have any champagne. Louis monitored everyone else, and as soon as they all had their heads tilted back, drinking their mimosa, he reached out and knocked Harry’s glass right out of his hand, sending it crashing to the floor. “Oh, no!” Louis pretended to be shocked at what had just happened. “Harry, you’re so clumsy. You dropped your glass.” “Yes,” Harry said seriously. “I am very clumsy.” --- Or, the one where Harry and Louis are having their first baby, and keeping it a secret until the end of the first trimester is a lot harder than they thought it would be.

We Made These Memories for Ourselves by supernope

Breath held, Harry squints his eyes open and focuses on the first stick. A blue line. Harry breathes out an unsteady breath. He’s pretty sure he read that one blue line is a negative, but he fishes the box from the bottom of the pile just to make sure.

“Negative,” he confirms, voice echoing around the small room. “Next.”

Now that he’s feeling a little less shaky, he scans the rest of the tests at once, is met with a headache-inducing mixture of pink plus signs and blue double lines. His heart rate picks up until it’s pounding triple-time in the base of his throat and the pit of his stomach, thundering in his ears and throbbing in his temples. He flips over the rest of the boxes slowly, but he knows what they’re going to say before he even looks.

[or, Louis is a footballer, Harry owns a bakery, and they're having a baby.]

Nothing I'm Running From by swallowsmateforlife

The odds are one in a million. Chances are it's not going to happen to them.

or

It does happen to them and Harry Styles is pregnant.

deep in my heart i know there's only you by ballsdeepinjesus

"Will you do it?” Harry whispers. Louis has to lean closer just to hear him. He furrows his brows and shakes his head, not knowing what Harry means. “Would you donate for me?”

Louis is dumbfounded. “I’m sorry, I thought you just asked if I’d donate my sperm. Can you repeat yourself?”

[harry and louis are best friends who engage in some platonic baby-making. very platonic.]

hard to confess by hereforlou

One, they only did it without a condom once (and a half) and not during his heat. Never during his heat. Two, he never once forgot to take his birth control (he’s almost sure). Three, his plan is to be married for a year before he even starts trying for a baby, and not only is he very, very single, him and Louis aren’t even sleeping together anymore. Which brings him to reason number four why this can’t be happening: Louis. Louis doesn’t want a baby with Harry.

(Or, the one where Harry knows he messed up and Louis knows nothing.)

Piece by Piece by SadaVeniren

He rubbed his hand over his lower stomach and closed his eyes. Louis was going to lose his fucking mind.

(aka Harry tells Louis he's pregnant and it goes as expected)

Fallen Far From the Tree by SadaVeniren

“I’m so excited.”

“Me too,” Louis said. “Just think, it’s gonna be you and me forever.” He even managed to sing song the end of the sentence.

Harry snorted. “That’s not how the line goes. And besides, it’s not gonna be you and me forever. It’s gonna be you, and me, and this little one.”

He could see the smile stretch across Louis’ face. “Yeah. You’re right.”

(aka Harry and Louis go through the ups and ups of pregnancy)

Right Here Waiting by lovelarry10

Louis and Harry are expecting a baby. Harry's heavily pregnant and nesting madly, determined to make their home ready for their baby.

(i didn't mean to) fall in love tonight by zouisclimax

Harry texts him back a thumbs up emoji before leaning forward and throwing up again. He groans, but stands after he’s done, wiping his mouth with toilet paper, and flushing the toilet.

He washes his mouth out as best as he can before steeling himself and heading back to class, trying his best not to cry. He tells himself that there is no point in worrying when he doesn’t even know if there is anything to worry about yet.

He still feels sick.

[or, the American boarding school AU where Harry's infatuated with Louis and one night flips his whole world upside-down]

you fit me better than my favourite sweater by brightbluelou

Harry didn't mean to fall in love with his best friend, and he definitely didn't mean to get pregnant. Despite that, it’s probably still the best thing that’s ever happened to him. And after that, well. It just kept getting better.

or; the one where Harry and Louis are friends-with-benefits and Harry unexpectedly gets pregnant. Harry never wants to stop getting pregnant after that, but Louis thinks seven kids is probably enough.

Running Down To The Riptide by sweaterpawstyles

"I can't give you your present yet, Lou."

Louis furrowed his brows. "And why is that, my love?"

Harry smiled at his lap. "Because your present is under my sweater," he pulled his free hand that wasn't laced with Louis' and gently laid it on his stomach. "I'm pregnant."

Or

It's New Year's Eve and Harry has a surprise under his sweater

When I'm Lost I feel so very Found by sweaterpawstyles

Louis posted a picture a few minutes later of Harry kissing his cheek and captioned it as "My baby is having our baby :)"

It ended up getting almost a million likes in just a few hours and Louis' phone was blowing up with texts of congratulations from his friends. Harry couldn't stop blushing.

Or, the one where Harry is an average university student who winds up pregnant with rising actor Louis Tomlinson's child

Gasoline Stars by galacticlourry (orphan_account)

It reminded him of stardust, of the history of suns, and he supposed that was what the boy asleep on his shoulder had been created out of. The history of suns.

...

Or, an AU where it's all nice and innocent until someone ends up pregnant. (That would be Harry.) Also known as the Mpreg AU I've doubt you've read before.

Answer All Your Wishes by SadaVeniren

Harry and Louis met when Harry was thirteen and as first impressions go theirs was memorable enough to start a life long romance.

AKA a Tom Fletcher/Giovanna Fletcher AU where Louis is part of One Direction, Harry is the love of his life who blogs, and they have many, many children.

Claire de lune by Neondiamond

"We're having a baby Lou." he heard him say softly.

"We are babe, we are." Louis whispered into his husband's curls. "We're having a baby."

OR: Harry and Louis have wanted a baby for a while now, and now Harry's finally pregnant.

we've got a lifetime to kill by louislovesharry

harry and louis have a three year old daughter, evie, who is their whole world, and another little girl on the way. when harry falls and is put on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy, louis and evie must adjust - but it is all worth it for their newest addition to the tomlinson family.

Dirty Little Secret by therogueskimo

“Can’t let Gemma … she can’t find us,” Harry gasped against Louis’ lips, kicking his jeans off.

“Why?” Louis breathed against his mouth, working his lips down along the line of his jaw and onto his neck.

“Just … I don’t want to – god, Lou – don’t want to deal with her reaction. Just want it to be us.”

“Our dirty little secret, eh?”

_____________

Or the one where Harry and Louis fall in love, but can’t figure out how to tell Gemma. That is, until Harry gets pregnant, and they don’t have much of a choice.

Come In and Change My Life by lightswoodmagic (sarah_writes)

He’d had the same neighbours since he’d moved into the building, a lovely, wealthy couple in their late sixties who had always invited him around for tea on Sundays. Martha had dropped off homemade biscuits the day he’d moved in, so Harry figured he may as well repeat the sentiment. He could hear someone getting closer to the door just as a flush ran through his body; oh fuck. His heat was close, too close to be knocking on a potentially unknown alpha’s door, but it was too late. The door swung open, and Harry’s mouth dropped. He’d never been overly interested in football, couldn’t find the fascination in watching men run around after a ball for hours aside from their uniforms, but he knew who this was. Louis Tomlinson, alpha, captain of Manchester United, star in a number of Harry’s heat addled fantasies, was his new next-door neighbour.

Or, Harry and Louis become friends when Harry looks after Louis' cat during away games, until one night at a party changes everything between them. It's just a shame Louis' going to be away for the FIFA World Cup for three months.

Put It Into Words by orphan_account

“It’s a good storm though, our families,” Louis says, flopping down on to the bed and cuddling close to Harry. He tucks his arm around Harry’s waist, kissing his temple. “The Cheshire house is perfect to raise the baby; your mum’s close, and my mum can stay in the guest bedroom when she visits.”

“And until then we have the long weekend to ourselves.”

Or, Harry and Louis go on a babymoon.

I Get To Love You by lovelarry10

A one night stand leaves Harry with a permanent reminder of the night he spent with a stranger.

Louis has no idea who the handsome stranger he took to bed is... until his friends make a shocking discovery.

A baby is on the way, and Louis and Harry have nine months to get to know each other before they become a family...

Dancing Shadows by SadaVeniren

The house was quiet by the time Louis walked up to it. He’d been away for a week and while it wasn’t the longest he’d ever been away from the pack, it was the longest he’d been away from Harry and the kids.

A Perfect Reason by Chelsea Frew (chelseafrew)

During a visit to a charity he'd like to support, Prince Louis--next in line to the throne of the United Kingdom--meets Harry, the man of his dreams. Trouble is, Louis is not out, and the law says his heirs can only be born of a woman. Louis is determined not to let that stop his pursuit of Harry. His determination doubles when Harry accidentally becomes pregnant. He and Harry will have their little family--and change the monarchy while they're at it.

Another Constellation to Trace by screwstyles

Louis wiggles his eyebrows. “I’m winning that bet.”

“What bet?” comes Niall’s excited voice from behind them, followed by footsteps. “I wanna be in on the bet!” he shouts, prompting Harry to quickly roll down his shirt sleeve and straighten his shirt where it’s still crinkly after Louis’ hands.

Niall takes one look at them and purses his lips in a tight line. “Were you guys making out again? Isn’t the fire meant to die down a bit after eight years?”

“Trust me, the fire is still very much alive,” Louis winks at Harry. “One could even say it’s cooking something.”

-

Mpreg AU: Louis and Harry bet on who can keep Harry's pregnancy a secret for longer. Neither of them is particularly good at it, and it doesn't help that their soulmate tattoos make it even harder.

Made From Love by lovelarry10

It's almost Christmas, and amongst the preparations, Louis' realised something about his husband Harry.

Harry, however, seems to be oblivious.

Louis' determined to open Harry's eyes and make him realise the real magic that's happening this Christmas...

years go by, whether you want them to by louislovesharry

A girl. They were having a little girl, and Harry couldn’t be happier. He had dreamed of having a daughter for as long as he could remember. A tiny little angel that he could dress up, have tea parties, pick flowers with. And if that wasn’t her thing, Louis could play footie with her, they could teach her how to play guitar and play with toy trucks. There was nothing Harry wanted more than to have and hold this beautiful creature that they had made together out of pure love, and nurture and cherish her for always.

The 'Oh my God it's twins!" Drabble. by FicNess

The 'Oh my God it's twins!" Drabble.

another pair of feet by honey_beeing

where Harry is pregnant and Louis is an oblivious idiot.

I will Only have these eyes for you by Dysia

Harry's pregnant and Louis' more in love with him than ever.

Don't ever let this day stop by Dysia 

Louis comes back home earlier than he was suppose to and he's surprised with the best present ever. 

i will rearrange the stars (pull 'em down to where you are) by orphan_account

Except-- the antibiotics. They'd fucked to celebrate Harry finally feeling better and not being contagious after his fight with strep-- but the antibiotics had likely still been present. And everyone knew suppressants and birth control didn't work when on antibiotics.

"Lads," Harry repeated once again, blinking slowly as his eyes filled with tears. Liam and Niall were staring at him in bewildered silence. "Lads. I'm, like, ninety-eight point seven percent sure I'm up the duff."

Alternatively, the one where Omega!Harry gets pregnant

To Carry Love by dimpled_halo 

During One Direction's hiatus, Harry becomes unexpectedly pregnant, and Louis does his best at becoming the most supportive husband he can be.

Fists Alongside Hearts by mpregharryqueen

Louis is a superhero protecting New York City. He never planned on having a sidekick and especially never planned on having a baby with said sidekick.

AU based very loosely on the cinematic masterpieces, Sky High and The Incredibles.

On His Way Home by denisemuriel

“Ehm, yeah.” Harry looked down onto his lap, fumbling with his fingers. “It’s Louis’.” He replied quietly. “Oh my god.” A voice that didn’t belong to his sister Gemma replied. When Harry looked up from his lap, he saw Lottie standing across the room in the door frame and his eyes grew as wide as hers. She was Louis’ fucking sister, damn it. And now she knew that he was pregnant with her brother’s baby. “Lottie, your fucking brother got my baby brother pregnant!” Gemma exclaimed.

Or the one where Harry is set up on a blind date with his sister's best friend's brother

We Were Made to Love by supernope

“Everything all sorted? Need help with the buckles? I know they’re a bit tricky in this compartment.”

The voice startles Louis out of his daze, and he turns toward the voice to let him know he figured it out. When he catches sight of the owner of the voice, though, his response dies in his throat. Whatever he had imagined the conductor of a children’s train that rides around the shopping centre in Leeds would look like, this is certainly not it.

Leaning through the window, arms folded across the sill, is a green-eyed angel with cherry red lips stretched wide in a smile and dimples flirting in his cheeks. A black conductor’s hat is the only confirmation that this is not some gorgeous stranger who’s come to flirt with Louis through the window of a children’s train, but is just a man doing his job.

[or, Harry drives a kiddie train in the shopping centre for the summer and is obsessed with babies, and Louis never stood a chance.]

Baby, What a Big Surprise by kiwikero

As Harry settles into his seat, self-consciously adjusting his shirt over his slightly distended stomach, he can’t help but wonder how he got himself into all this. But he knows, of course he knows. It isn’t exactly easy to forget the moment that changed his entire life forever.

It all started with a party.

Or, the one where shy, quiet Harry has no idea he's a carrier, and a one night stand with the most popular boy in school shows him just how wrong he was.

Featuring Lottie as Harry's best friend, Niall as her boyfriend, and, of course, Louis as the popular boy with a soft spot for his little sister's quirky friend.

here comes the sun by orphan_account

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Louis promises, his pink, chapped lips moving slowly in the cold. It matches the beanie on his head—pink, because they found out this morning that they’re having a girl and that’s just.

Harry’s going to be a dad. To a little girl. Five months from now he’ll be holding her in his arms, and she’ll be so lovely and small.

They’re going to have a spring baby and she’s probably going to have Louis’ eyes. What a blessing that would be. Harry crosses his fingers on the hand inside his pocket, hoping that she does. He’ll love her either way—blue or green or even brown eyes, it doesn’t matter—but he’d really like them to be blue, he thinks.

[Harry is a pediatric specialist, Louis is a neurosurgeon. All they want is a baby.]

and the sun shines upon your face by rosegarden

“It's just – it feels weird. To tell her that her twenty year old closeted son got knocked up in the middle of a stadium worldwide tour.” Louis laughs and Harry's heart squeezes at that beautiful sound. “Well it does sound weird when you put it like that.” “I don't 'put it like that'. It's the truth.”

or

the one where Harry really, really likes making plans but plans don't really like him, Louis is an overprotective-future-dad-to-be and Niall, Liam and Zayn race to be the godfather.

everywhere (i wanna be with you) by itiswhatitisbutterfly

Harry and Louis meet because they have terrible friends, they fall in love because something feels right in a world of uncertainty and shifting grounds. Louis is an actor and Harry is a model at the top of his game, the best things in life are the most unexpected ones and the things that hit you when you are least expecting it.

Featuring winter in London, nights in Paris, early mornings in New York, burning heat in Monte Carlo and an enduring love spent transcending four corners of the globe.

kiss full of color, makes me wonder where you've always been by louislovesharry

after a rough day dealing with his three kids and louis being gone, a very pregnant harry is exhausted. louis helps make things better, always.

you make my whole world feel so right when it's wrong by orphan_account

“Curly?” Louis says, stepping into Harry’s sight. “You okay?” Harry looks up from where he has two things in his hands, a thick winter coat sized for a newborn, and a sweatshirt fitting a grown man such as himself. He looks up at Louis, stricken, and holds them out for him to see. “They’re the same price,” he says. “They’re both forty dollars! Forty dollars for such little material.”

(or, Harry is pregnant and stops at the mall to buy cheap baby clothes. Louis has extra money from working a long shift, and he can't think of a better way to spend it than on him.)

i'll be your sunflower by scagnetism

“What do you think’s gonna stop us now?” Harry says cheekily, laughter in his voice as he looks up at Louis. “Something’s gotta get in our way like always, doesn’t it?”

“Ha,” Louis grins, kissing his cheek and holding open the door for him as they make their way toward the car. “Nothing’s gonna interrupt us this time. ‘S gonna be perfect, just like Pumpkin.”

Or, a few interruptions aren't going to stop Harry from having a perfect pregnancy and having the family he and Louis have always dreamed of.

The Original Mpreg!Harry by Chelsea Frew (chelseafrew)

series

i'll put my future in you by louislovesharry

series

Picture Perfect by LittleBubbleStyles

an AU where Louis Tomlinson is a misunderstood football player, and Harry Styles is a misunderstood photographer. Somehow, they're understood together.

*just a note to say this is a wip but it is almost completed and updated regularly!

[drivingsideways]

k-drama rec list

Prior to 2020 I’d maybe watched 2 k-dramas in my entire life, but this year I got sucked in, thanks to some great recs, and y’know, *gestures * everything.  

I think I’d held off watching kdramas because my impression of them was limited to romances that I didn’t enjoy at all. But this was the year I discovered the equivalent of “gen fic” kdrama- dramas that had wonderful ensemble casts, strong story lines that weren’t entirely romance focused and also a variety in terms of themes and styles. A big plus was that I found so many of these dramas had women leading the writers’ room, and seeing the effect of that in the story telling. (Notable exceptions: a certain “star” writer who should please stop inflicting her badly written, formulaic crap on the world, yes Kim Eun-Sook, I mean you, and whoever wrote that trashfire Flower of Evil)

So here I am with my own rec list! Caveat- these are mostly not the dramas released in 2020, I’m still playing catch up! :)

Under the cut for length

My Mister/ My Ahjussi  (2018, Written by Park Hae-Young, Directed by Kim Won-Seok, starring Lee Sun-kyun and Lee Ji-eun aka IU) 

This was definitely my absolute favourite of the shows I watched this year across western/ asian media. It’s a story about the thread that binds us all and the ineffability of human connection. It’s also a story that deconstructs ideas of masculinity and honour and shame in a non-western context, but with an extremely compassionate touch.  It’s a story that doesn’t shy away from showing the consequences of material and spiritual poverty; and how one can so easily feed into the other. It’s a love story that isn’t a romance, except that it’s a Romance. It’s about finding salvation in one another and in the kindness of strangers.  It’s about choosing life, and picking yourself up off the floor to take that one last step and then the next and then the next. The one quibble I have with the series is that it could have been better paced, it does get extremely slow after the half way mark. But god, do they land the ending. Both Lee Sun-kyun and IU turn in absolutely heartbreaking performances, and fair warning, be prepared to go through an entire box of tissues watching this series. 

Life  (2018,  written by Lee Soo-yeon  and directed by Hong Jong-chan, starring Lee Dong-wook, Cho Seung-woo, Won Jin-ah, Lee Kyu-hyung, Yoo Jae-myung and Moon So-ri.)

Medical dramas are very much not my thing, and I wouldn’t have taken a chance on it except that @michyeosseo said I should, and she was right! It’s a medical drama in the sense that it’s set in a hospital, but rather than a “case-fic” format, this is actually a sharp commentary on the corporatization of health care, and the business of mixing, well, money and what should be a fundamental human right. Writer Lee Soo-yeon was coming off the global success of Stranger/Secret Forest S1 when this aired, so I understand that expectations were probably sky-high, and people were disappointed when this show didn’t give them the adrenaline rush that they wanted. On the other hand, I thought that this outing was really much more nuanced in terms of the politics and also how the ending doesn’t allow you the luxury of easy-fixes. This show has a great ensemble cast, and while it took me a while to get used to Lee Dong-wook’s woodenness (i ended up calling him mr.cadaver after watching this and was surprised to learn that he’s very popular?), in the end I was quite sold on his version of angry angst-bucket elder-sibling Dr.Ye Jin-woo. His best scenes were with Lee Kyu-hyung who turns in a lovely, achy performance as the paraplegic Dr. Ye Seon-woo who just wants to live a normal life. The love story between the two brothers is actually the emotional backbone of the story, and I think they landed that perfectly. 

My one quibble with writer-nim is that she ended up writing in a forgettable and somewhat (for me at least) uncomfortable romance between the characters played by Won Jin-ah and Cho Seung-Woo. I think part of my uncomfortable-feeling was that I got the strong sense that the writer herself didn’t want to write this romance, it was as if she was being made to shoe-horn it in for Studio Reasons, and she basically grit her teeth and did the worst possible job of it.  I do wish we could have absolutely had the OT3 of my dreams: Moon So-ri/Cho Seung-woo/Yoo Jae-myung like, c’mon TV gods MAKE IT HAPPEN, just...look at them!!!! 

Anyway, that apart, I think this was a very engaging series, and by engaging, I also mean thirst-enabling, see below. 

 Stranger (aka Secret Forest  or Forest of Secrets) S1 & 2 : (2017-, Written by Lee Soo-yeon, directed by 

2017′s smash hit aired a much anticipated second season in 2020, and I managed to catch up just in time to watch that live, so that was thrilling :D . Writer Lee Soo-yeon  mixes up thriller/office comedy/political commentary in an ambitious series. I think S1 is more “exciting” than S2 in terms of the mystery and pacing,  but S2 is far more dense and interesting in terms of political commentary because it takes a long hard look at institutional corruption and in true writer-nim fashion doesn’t prescribe any easy solutions. Anyway, please enjoy public prosecutor Cho Seung-woo and police officer Bae Doona as partners/soulmates kicking ass and taking names in pursuit of Truth, Justice and just a goddamn peaceful meal, along with a stunningly competent ensemble cast. Also yes, Han Yeo Jin is a lesbian, sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

Search: WWW  (2019, Written by Kwon Do-Eun, directed by Jung Ji-hyun & Kwon Young-il, starring  Im Soo-jung, Lee Da-hee, Jeon Hye-jin)

GOD. Where do I start? +1000 for writer Kwon Do-Eun saying “fuck the patriarchy” in the most grandiose way possible, i.e. absolutely refusing to acknowledge that it exists. Yes, this is that power fantasy, and it’s also a fun, slice-of-life  tale about three women navigating their way through work, romance, national politics and everything in between. It’s true that I wasn’t entirely sold on the amount of time spent on the romance, and I really wish they’d actually had a textual wlw romance, though the subtext through the entire series is PRACTICALLY TEXT. But still, it maintains that veneer of plausible deniability and I think queer fans who are sick of that kind of treatment in media have a very valid grouse against the show. On the other hand, personally I felt that the queer-platonic vibe of the show is very wonderful and true to real life, and it was only reinforced by the ending. This is a show written by a woman for women (like me), and it shows. 

Hyena  (2020, Written by Kim Roo-Ri, directed by Jang Tae-yoo & Lee Chang Woo, starring  Kim Hye-soo and Ju Ji-hoon )

Those of you who’ve been watching hit zombie epic Kingdom are probably familiar with Ju Ji-hoon’s brand of sexiness already. I had not watched Kingdom and got hit in the face by Mr.Sexy McSexyPants’ turn as a brash, privileged-by-birth, up and coming lawyer who gets completely runover by the smoking hot and incredibly dangerous fellow lawyer/competitor from the other side of the tracks in the person of Kim Hye-Soo. When I say they set the room on fire, I mean it, ok. Every single scene between these two is an actual bonfire of sexual attraction and emotional hand grenades, and they’re both absolutely riveting to watch. “Flower of Evil” wishes they had what this show has- an actual grown up romance as opposed to a thirteen year old twilight fan’s idea of an adult romance. 

The “lawyer” shenanigans and the “cases” are hit or miss, and I think the occasional comedy fell flat for me. But that’s not why I mainlined like 6 episodes of this series overnight like a coke addict, and that’s not why you’re going to do it either. It’s so RARE, even in these enlightened days to find a female character like Jung Geum-ja: hard as nails, unapologetic about it, and not punished by the narrative for it. The best part for me is that she feels like a woman’s woman, not a man’s idea of what a Strong Female Character should be. Anyways, when I grow up I want to have what Kim Hye-soo has ok?

Other dramas that I watched this year, quickly rated:

The King: Eternal Monarch (3/10 and those 3 points are only for the combined goodness of second leads who deserved better- Jung Eun Chae, Woo Do Hwan and Kim Kyung Nam. Please head over to my AO3 and read my attempts to fix this garbage fire and rescue their characters from canon)

Flower of Evil (-10/100, dont @ me)

Tale of the Nine Tailed (5/10, I think it succeeds at what it set out to do, which is a light hearted, sweet fantasy-romance-melodrama, plus “second lead” Kim Beom will make you cry as the hot mess of a half human/ half fox spirit ALL TEARS character. I think if you’re into kdrama romances as a genre, this is probably a good bet?)

Signal  (7/10,  This was the first full kdrama I watched this year and would definitely recommend. It’s a police procedural with time travel shenanigans and has an engaging plot, good pacing, texture and compelling performances. My one disappointment with it was the way they wrote Kim Hye-soo’s character. As literally the only female character to survive in any way, she was given short shrift, and toward the end it really began to grate on me.)

Six Flying Dragons - (7/10, also would recommend if you’re interested in Korean historicals. It definitely already feels a bit dated in terms of styling and production values, and even scripting and acting choices. But it has a good balance of fantasy and history and political commentary. I was not a fan of Yoo In-Ah’s performance in this series, but it’s not anything that would make you want to nope out of the series. It’s GoT , if GoT was thoughtful about politics and characters and not the misogynist, racist trashfire that it became.)

My Country: The New Age - (3.5/10, and that’s 3 points to Jang Hyuk’s fan and 0.5.points to Woo Do Hwan’s heaving bosom. If you like your historical drama/fantasy with very pretty men, very gay subtext -seriously RIP to show makers who thought they could hetero it but didn’t account for Woo Do Hwan’s Tragic Face- lots of blood and tears and very nonsense plot, this is right up your alley. I probably would have enjoyed it more in other circumstances, I think? But this one just annoyed me too much at the time! 

I have a couple of more dramas to watch on my list, that’ll probably carry me over into 2021, so see ya on the other side! :D

[eryiss]

Chapter Seven - The Shutdown

Summary: Freed and Laxus live incredibly different lives. Freed is a corporate lawyer in the capital city, and Laxus works as a handyman in a countryside hotel. Despite their differences, their lives collide when Freed inherits a house in Laxus’ village, and hires him to make the derelict building liveable. But the closer they get, the more they seem to offer each other. [Fraxus Multi-Chapter]

This was written as my admission for Fraxus Day 2020, hosted by @fuckyeahfraxus​. There's descriptions of emotional repression in this chapter, so be aware of that. Hope you enjoy it.

You can read this under the cut, on Fanfiction, or on Archive of Our Own. You can find the chapter masterpost here.

Chapter Seven – The Shutdown

This was pathetic, and Freed knew it.

He was a grown man. He was a lawyer. He was a well-respected member of society who had earned his place on multiple occasions. And yet, apparently, this was what he had resorted to. Switching off his phone while glaring at it, locking himself in his apartment, and refusing to speak to anyone who might want to talk. He had shut himself off completely, like a fucking teenager who didn't know how to handle his emotions.

Which, other than him not being a teenager, was accurate. Because all of this ridiculous behaviour that Freed hated himself for doing – that he couldn't stop himself from doing – was all because he didn't know what to do about what he was feeling.

And he was feeling. He was feeling a lot.

It was something that only added to his annoyance because Freed wasn't an overly emotional person. He was pragmatic, and allowed his feelings to be put to the side to focus on greater tasks. He'd lived his entire life that way, and had done so to great success and happiness, and yet now he felt as though he was fucking drowning in these feelings. In the feelings that he couldn't quantify or push to the side or ignore. And the pure amount of them, the ferocity with which they had hit him, and range of different feelings was just so awful. He couldn't deal with it.

So, he did what he always did when he was overwhelmed. It didn't happen often, and usually only when he was taking on a case that was more troublesome than he had expected, but he had techniques in place that usually helped. He wrote a list of everything that was overwhelming him.

Confusion – He had always lived in Era, and his life resolved around the city. It was confusing to feel so drawn to Magnolia, a place so contrasting to what he knew.

Annoyance – He knew that he wanted Magnolia to be a larger part of his life, but wouldn't say it out loud. His pride was getting in the way, but he couldn't push past it to be honest about his wants.

Anger – He should have spoken to Laxus. He shouldn't have let him go after… what had happened. Because they hadn't spoken since Laxus had left, two weeks ago. And he missed him, more than he could admit to himself. He missed him so much.

Anger – Because he shouldn't have goaded Laxus into a flirtatious competition.

Anger – Because he shouldn't have left the house and gone to the carnival to see Laxus.

Anger – Because he shouldn't have gotten allowed his stupid crush to become more than that.

Anger – Because he shouldn't have let Laxus be anything other than a workman to him.

Anger – Because why couldn't he speak his goddamn mind when it came what he was feeling?

He sighed, slamming his pen onto his desk, and rubbing his eye with the palm of his hand. He looked down at the list with an annoyed expression because it had done exactly what it was meant to do. It had highlighted the greater problem that was worrying Freed, and it was all very clear as to what was actually troubling him. As he always did after finishing a list, he wrote a final point to clarify what was actually happening, and he sighed at his own words.

Attraction – He was drawn to Laxus in a way that he couldn't control. He didn't know what to do with this attraction, but he couldn't stop it. It felt like he was trapped by it.

And for Freed, a man whose emotions had never been an issue, it was concerning.

Worse still, a lot of their time spent together seemed to be cast in a new light now. All of Freed's insistence that Laxus teach him new skills, perhaps that was just a way to get closer to him more often. Their shared meal and the private revelations of their childhoods, maybe that was how Freed was making his relationship with Laxus more personal. The time they spent at the carnival, before the incident after the dunk tank, might have been Freed getting a date from Laxus without even knowing it.

It all made Freed feel rather sick.

One worrisome thought was that he might have manipulated Laxus into friendship unknowingly. But Laxus wasn't that good of an actor, and he seemed to genuinely like Freed. Though that could be because Freed was his boss, and he wanted to get a good reference at the end of their working relationship.

A sharp nocking sound echoed through Freed's empty apartment, cutting off that thought.

He didn't move to answer it, of course. With seemingly a million and one random and predominantly negative thoughts hitting him every second, he wasn't in the mood to greet visitors. The idea of pretending to be happy sounded exhausting, and Freed would much rather gather his thoughts on his own. Though, in reality he would probably try and fail to gather his thoughts, only to be angry at himself for failing, and he'd end up sleeping while enraged.

"If you are not dead in there, I will kill you!" Evergreen yelled, slamming the door again.

"That means she's worried," Another voice followed, lighter sounding than Evergreen's. Bickslow. "But also kinda murderous, so open the door."

Freed sighed, moving from his desk and walking towards the door. Out of everyone he knew, Freed would feel the least amount of guilt for not being polite and engaged with the two of them. And it was entirely possible that if Freed didn't open the door quickly, Evergreen would take it off its hinges. He didn't even know how they'd gotten into the building without having him buzz the door open.

When he opened it, he felt a small flush of guilt overtake him. Bickslow, who was normally grinning wider than Freed thought possible, had a concerned expression. Evergreen was hovering between anger and worry. Freed almost didn't understand the expression, but Evergreen made it easy for him.

By punching him in the chest, then hugging him.

"Motherfucker," She grunted into Freed's chest, and he looked down at her with a frown. He considered speaking, but thought against it. "I was worried about you."

"Why?"

"Because you've been missing for like four days, man," Bickslow said as he walked into Freed's apartment and closed the door; apparently they were staying. "You wouldn't answer your phone or any emails. Normally it feels like you reply to things before we manage to send them," He shrugged. "We wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Well," Freed said slowly. "I am."

"Then I can punch you again," Evergreen grunted, removing herself from Freed's body and slamming her fist into his arm. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," Freed turned and walked back to his desk. "You know I'm okay, so is there anything else you need?"

Freed knew his friends well, and even though he had turned his back away from them, he knew they'd be exchanging looks in place of a conversation, and it annoyed Freed when his suspicions were confirmed in the window's reflection. He understood that they were worried, and he understood that they were probably angry at him for how he was acting now that they knew he was okay, but they could at least be subtle.

And why were they treating him like a child? He had known and worked with them both for years, and surely he'd proven himself to be a capable adult hundreds of times by now. For heavens sake, when they'd all been in the same office, Freed had always been the project manager. Self-appointed too. But apparently wanting some time alone meant the respect that he had earned had completely gone, and instead had been replaced by a patronising level of care from his friends. His friends who had barged their way into his house uninvited, and were now clearly talking about him behind his back, expecting him to be okay with it.

"I'd like to be left alone," Freed stated, turning to face his friends again. "So if you're going to act like I'm not here, then you might as well leave."

"Come on Freed," Bickslow sighed, and Freed stiffened slightly.

His tone was almost exhausted, as if this was a regular and tedious occurrence. Which it wasn't. This was abnormal, something that Freed had never done before, and he would hope that his friends might respect his wishes about the situation. He was about to voice this annoyance when Evergreen spoke.

"Laxus texted me," She stated, and his eyes flickered over to her.

"Saying what, exactly?" He said slowly, the demand clear. He didn't know what Laxus had thought of the situation, whether he had noticed Freed slightly leaning in when they were face to face, and frankly he was a little scared of what Evergreen was about to say.

"That you didn't leave on the best terms, and that you didn't go back to Magnolia over the weekend," She said, sitting on Freed's sofa and staring him down. "He said you didn't fight, but you've been ignoring his calls. So, what happened?"

"I don't see why I should tell you," Freed walked to his kitchen. He got himself a glass of water, not offering anything to the two of them. He hoped they would understand the passive-aggressive message behind it.

"Because it's making you act like an-"

"What she means is," Bickslow interrupted. "That if you tell us what happened, then we might be able to help out with it. Make you feel a little better."

"I don't need you to make me feel better."

"You need something, baby," Bickslow sighed, looking at Freed with an annoyingly honest smile. It cracked a little at Freed's anger, as Bickslow mostly was exaggerative with his emotions, not honest. "Because, whatever you're doing right now, it's not like you. And it doesn't look very healthy."

Freed looked to where Bickslow was looking, and huffed. It was his trash can, around which were discarded remains of takeout food.

"So I'm no longer allowed to order food for myself?" He snapped.

"Of course you are," Evergreen placated him. "But you always cook for yourself, you always have. It'd be weird for you if you ordered takeout once a week, and this is a lot more than once a week," She sighed as she caught Freed's rolled eyes. "Look, we know it's only a little thing. But you're isolating yourself and not dealing with whatever the problem is, and that's not like you. And if something's affecting you that much, then we just thought that maybe we could help you with it. Even if it's just talking it out together."

"And we can go, if you want," Bickslow continued. "But I think it'd be best if we stayed."

Freed was silent, then huffed quietly. "Tea or coffee?"

After he had prepared them their drinks, and some further light convincing from the two of them, he began to explain what had happened. He only described what he needed to: that he had slowly been getting closer to Laxus over their time together, and that he had been developing a crush. That he felt a draw to Laxus that he couldn't understand, and it was sometimes making things uncomfortable for him.

Then he explained what had happened at the carnival. How he'd been angry, and he'd instinctively gone to Laxus to change that. How they'd spent the afternoon together, doing something very close to flirting. How he'd challenged Laxus to a ridiculous game, and what had happened because of it.

How they'd nearly kissed.

How Laxus had basically fled.

"So," Evergreen spoke up again after Freed had finished. "You did something you regret, and you're embarrassed?"

"Yes, because I'm a child" Freed agreed sarcastically.

"Everyone gets embarrassed Freed, not just kids," Bickslow sighed. "But I don't think that's why you're acting like this. I think the real issue is that you were embarrassed, but it didn't bother you as much as it normally would," Freed's brow furrowed slightly, and Bickslow continued. "You almost forgot to be embarrassed because it didn't matter. You were more worried about the things you did than the situation itself. You only felt embarrassed about it when you had time to think, and that's not normal for you."

"When did you become a psychologist?" Evergreen mumbled.

"Sorry, I just spent a lot of time around them now, with work. It's interesting stuff," Bickslow chuckled to himself, patting Freed's leg. "What I'm trying to say is, I think this is one of the first time's you've kind of wanted to be vulnerable for someone. That you've actually felt that it might be worth it, and it's messing you up a bit."

"I," Freed said slowly. "I suppose that might be possible. It's true that relationships aren't an area of expertise. It's possible that might be a… contributing factor."

"You should talk to him," Evergreen suggested. "It's probably the best way to get past this."

"We nearly kissed one another, and we haven't spoken to each other since then," Freed deflected at the idea, hand wrapping tightly around the mug of tea in his hand. "And he walked away from me the moment it happened. He's hardly enthusiastic about the situation."

"He was overwhelmed," Evergreen exclaimed. "I had to stop him from taking the train up here when he found out we hadn't heard from you for days," Freed scoffed a little at that. "Freed, did it really not occur to you that he might be just as crappy with his emotions as you, he just sucks in a different, more subtle way?"

Freed didn't answer that.

With his lack of an answer, the room fell into an uncomfortable quiet. Freed was now glaring down at his tea, gripping it tightly as a rush of annoyance ran over him. Because, not only had Evergreen and Bickslow acted as if they knew his mind better than he did, but they were also trying to tell him that Laxus might have nearly kissed him as well. It was angering, because even if it was true, they were missing the point.

Laxus wasn't someone Freed could get into a relationship with; he just wasn't. Not only was the man his employee, and therefore dating him would be a large conflict of interest, but he also lived three hours away in a place that was the direct antithesis of Era. As cliché as it was, they were from different worlds.

He had a feeling that, if he said any of that out loud, they'd say he was making excuses.

Maybe he was.

"There's something else we want to talk to you about, too," Evergreen spoke again, and her voice had a cautious edge to it that caught Freed's attention. Pre-emptively, he found himself getting defensive. "We've been talking, and we know it's not your favourite thing to talk about but…"

"The last time we saw you acting like this," Bickslow continued. "It was when your dad died."

"What are you implying?" Freed asked sharply.

"We just thought that maybe the reason you've become so," Evergreen thought for a moment, clearly trying to think of a word that wouldn't antagonise Freed. It probably wouldn't work. "Closed off might be because you don't know how to deal with the fact that she's… gone."

"For god's sake," Freed grunted. "Why are you both so insistent that her death is going to destroy me in some way? I am fine."

And he was. He was perfectly fine. Yes, his mother had died a few months ago, but that didn't mean that Freed had to become an inconsolable mess. That wasn't going to happen with Freed, especially considering how he and his mother had been drifting apart, more so after his father had died. And even if they hadn't separated from one another, it didn't mean that Freed was going to have some kind of break down months after the event. That wasn't something that more emotional people went through, so why the hell did they think Freed would?

It was infuriating to think about, now that he was. The fact that the people closest to him in the world were now trying to instil some kind of grief as an explanation for his behaviour. His behaviour that, in his mind, wasn't even that bad. There had been a bad situation, he took a step back from it and tried to calm himself down. If they thought it was an unhealthy way to deal with it, that was their issue.

"We're worried that you're refusing to talk about something," Bickslow insisted. "We don't want you to be dealing with something bad on your own."

"Well that would be quite difficult given you don't seem to be leaving me alone," Freed snapped.

"Come on man," Bickslow sighed. "You don't need to get-"

"So, just allow me to clarify what's happening," Freed spoke quickly, standing up and pacing. He needed to move. "You came here after speaking to Laxus about me behind my back. Now you're here, with your own ideas about why I'm behaving in a way that you believe is antisocial and unhealthy. You then make me explain the situation in detail, then essentially explain my own feelings to me despite the fact neither of you have a damn clue about what's happening in my mind," Freed was breathing hard now, finger running over his palm and jaw tight. "And now you're ignoring all of that, and trying to bring attention to my mother's death for some reason, despite the fact that you've heard me say that I am fine multiple times."

"Freed," Evergreen said patiently – as if he were a child. Why were they treating him like this! "Maybe you should take a few minutes to-"

"You'd already concluded that my supposed 'shut down' was because of my mother's death, correct? You'd probably spoke about it together before coming here," Freed continued, anger rising still. "So why even mention Laxus? Is it just so you can continue the trend of being overly invasive in my life? The moment you realised I was befriending someone around my age who happened to be my type, you started asking pointless questions and making irritating jokes. Perhaps you just wanted more gossip and saw an opportunity."

"Okay, you're not in the best of moods, I understand," Bickslow sighed, standing up. "Maybe we should go."

"You should," Freed snapped.

"Fine," Evergreen muttered, seemingly annoyed herself now. "But turn your fucking phone on, and if Laxus calls you again then answer, because he's worried," She walked to the door, but turned before leaving. "And when you wanna call us and apologise for that last remark, I'll be waiting."

She left the apartment, huffing. Bickslow sighed, patted Freed on the shoulder with a promise of texting him later, before leaving as well.

Freed deflated slightly, falling into his desk chair while his leg jumped up and down with anxious energy. He ran a hand over his face and spun towards his desk, only to be confronted with the sight of the list he had wrote down earlier. And now, after what his friends had said, it was painfully clear that he had missed one thing that he was feeling more than anything else.

'Fear – I don't want to be alone.'

~~~

He'd fallen asleep not long after, curling onto his leather sofa, and drifting off with ease. The sudden rush of adrenaline that had accompanied his anger had deflated not soon after Bickslow and Evergreen had left. It was interesting to know that, after a volatile emotional outburst, you had an overwhelming urge to sleep.

In this situation, you also felt an overwhelming urge to apologise.

Because Bickslow and Evergreen were his friends, and always had been. They weren't the type of people to conspire against him, especially not for something as small as a damn piece of gossip about his relationship with Laxus.

In retrospect, this was entirely obvious. They were good people, and clearly had his best interests at heart. They'd come to his apartment because they were worried about him and they wanted to make sure he was okay, find out what was bothering him, and offer their advice. But, in the moment, he had felt almost attacked by the two of them, as if they were ganging up on him. He had gotten defensive and fought back against what he considered an attack on him.

Now, it felt stupid. And he felt guilty.

Phoning Evergreen would have been the first thing he did after waking up, had it not been his ringing phone being the reason he woke. He took a few second to realise what the sound was, and reached out for his phone from his coffee table; he'd turned the device back on after Evergreen and Bickslow had left. He'd seen a lot of missed texts and calls from his friends when he had.

Incoming Call: Laxus Dreyar

He reached for the mug on the table, drinking down the remainder of his now very cold tea. It woke him up slightly, and he answered the call with a small amount of nervousness filling him. They hadn't spoke since the carnival, and Freed didn't know how to deal with the situation.

"Oh, hey," Laxus voice filled Freed's ears. He sounded worried, and Freed frowned. It wasn't nice to know that he was probably to blame for that. "I didn't expect you to answer."

"Well, Evergreen said you were worried," Freed murmured, looking out his window. It was late evening now.

"Yeah, I was," Laxus agreed.

Freed almost sighed, wondering if he would have been able to admit that so openly. With Laxus, maybe he could have.

"She texted me earlier," He continued, and Freed heard a slight shifting from the phone. He absently wondered what he was doing. A ridiculous thought made worse because, if it weren't for his pride, he would have been with Laxus at that moment. "Apparently when she and Bickslow went to your place to talk to you, you kinda exploded at them."

He said that with a slight laugh in his voice, and it grated on Freed's nerves. "I don't appreciate the fact you're talking about me behind my back."

"You kicked your best friends out of your apartment," Laxus said tiredly. "We're just-"

"How did your even get her phone number?" Freed spoke over him, standing up again. "She came to Magnolia once and you spoke for about five minutes at the most."

"She added me on Facebook," Laxus explained.

"So you're not actually texting, then, are you?" Freed demanded, unaware as to why exactly he was so bothered by this little detail. But he was, and the whispered 'fucks sake' from the other side of the phone didn't help his mood. "You're actually using the messenger app, aren't you? Not the texting app. So you haven't been texting one another, you've been messaging each other. Which is a different thing."

"Does it matter?"

"Yes it does, everything matters," Freed snapped. "Details are important to me, Laxus. I need to know the entire story before I can get involved. And if you-"

"Fucks sake," Laxus spoke loudly. "Will you stop fucking talking."

And he did.

"Look, I get that you ain't in a good mood, and that you probably don't wanna deal with me right now. But tough shit. You kept saying you're okay, and that you don't wanna be treated with kid gloves right?" Laxus demanded, and stupidly Freed nodded. "Well that's what I'm gonna do. So we're gonna talk, we're gonna discuss what happened, and I'm gonna make sure you get over it somehow. Because I wasn't happy when you started avoiding me, and I'm sure as hell not letting you ghost your friends and yell at them if it's because of something I did."

"I don't wish to speak about it."

"Well too fucking bad," Laxus retorted. "We're talking about it. So whenever you're ready, we're gonna start."

Despite his annoyed tone, Freed felt that Laxus was allowing him a kindness by letting him start the conversation. At least this way, he was allowed to frame the events in what way he wanted. He was also allowed some time to think, which he desperately needed. He closed his eyes for a moment, and gathered his thoughts before speaking again.

He needed to be honest. Bickslow had been right in that he felt inexplicably comfortable being vulnerable around Laxus, and he needed to take advantage of that.

"I can be obtuse, at times," Freed confessed. "And sometimes I feel compelled to do things that some people might consider… abnormal. For the most part I'm rather strict about it, but with you, I don't know, you sort of have an effect on this filter I've made. Most of the time you probably won't notice, but I doubt I would have asked to be taught plumbing and electrics from anybody else."

"There's nothing wrong with following your instincts," Laxus said calmly, and Freed felt a little struck by the sudden comfort in his voice. "Especially when it comes to what you wanna do."

"Perhaps," Freed agreed, slightly unwillingly. "But, with what happened between us, it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have…"

Freed paused. He had to say it. Had to say that he shouldn't have leant in to kiss Laxus. He shouldn't have flirted with him for an afternoon. He shouldn't have gotten so close to him despite knowing both his growing feelings and that a relationship between the two of them would be inappropriate and perhaps impossible.

"…I shouldn't have made you play the game when you clearly didn't want to. I'm sorry."

He closed his eyes, angry at himself now. Why could be not just say what he felt!

"Okay," Laxus said softly, almost as if to himself. "You don't need to feel guilty; about anything that happened. I mean, I wanted to do it too, even if I didn't make it obvious on the day."

The way Laxus was speaking, putting emphasis on certain words, made Freed pay attention. Laxus had perhaps understood that what Freed had meant to apologise for wasn't what he actually said. If that was true, then Laxus had decided that he was going to spare Freed the embarrassment of the situation and instead use the dunk tank as a metaphor. Freed was incredibly thankful, and also almost touched, by the gesture.

"I feel like I pressured you into it," Freed confessed. "That you might have thought I'd actually hold my position against you if you didn't do what I said."

"Freed, I ain't the kind of guy to be intimidated like that. If I thought you were genuinely doing that, I probably would have punched you or something," Laxus said, voice serious enough to calm Freed slightly. "And the fact is, I got up there myself, nobody forced me to do it. I knew the risks and didn't care about it. That was my choice."

A flashed memory of Laxus and Freed's faces being so close, so tantalisingly close flashed into Freed's mind. He reddened slightly at the thought.

"Are you sure?" Freed asked, needing confirmation.

"The only thing about that day that I regretted was leaving the way I did," Laxus said, with honesty in his voice. He then let out a small laugh. "Well, maybe I regret not seeing that the guy running the dunk tank had a towel that I could have used."

"I probably should have told you about that," Freed chuckled quietly.

"You saw it?" Laxus sounded aghast, probably exaggerating his annoyance to calm Freed "Bastard."

"I suppose so," Freed nodded, self-deprecatingly.

"So, are you gonna stop beating yourself up about this now that you know my side?" Laxus asked, voice sounding hopeful now. "Because you've been freaking me out not being here, I've had almost two weeks without smartass comments coming from you," He laughed, before adding honestly. "I missed ya."

"I missed you too," Freed confessed. "I'm sorry. I'll try not to worry you again."

"You don't need to apologise," Laxus assured him. "Well, not to me. Ever might disagree with that."

Freed laughed softly at that, knowing full well that he would have to apologise profusely to his friend very soon. It would most likely be accompanied by a large amount of sucking up to her, to get her favour again. Which of course he would do, because he loved the woman, as antagonising and gossipy as she could be. Though he would have to talk to her about her conversations about him behind his back, as Freed still felt like that was quite invasive.

"Can I- d'you mind if I say something that might be outta line?" Laxus spoke again.

"Of course," Freed said, frowning to himself.

"I think you should move to Magnolia," Laxus rushed his words out slightly, and spoke again before Freed could process what he said. "Not permanently, but maybe until the house is done. I mean you have a place to live there, so it won't cost anything, and I think it could be good to you to get away from Era for a few months."

"You… want me to move to Magnolia?" Freed echoed.

"I know you don't like talking about this, but I think it'll be the only way to come to terms with what happened with your mother," Laxus continued, and Freed went to speak. Laxus got there first. "I get you don't want sympathy, and I'm not giving it to you. But I get what it's like to lose your mother, and have everyone around you expecting you to act in a certain way. It's like they want you to feel sad all the time, and it's like your failing at grief if you're not. People don't get that, but I do."

Freed understood that. Peoples expectations of his grief had bothered him for months.

"W my mom died, I didn't wanna be the sad kid with a dead mom," Laxus sighed. "I did everything I could not to be that kid. But I didn't know what the hell to do, so I just kept going like I was normal. I went to school, I cussed out teachers, I beat kids up. I thought I was fine because everything I was doing was what I normally did. And when I got kicked out, and I lost that structure, I had to get used to who I was now, without her. I couldn't pretend I was who I was before losing her, and had to deal with it."

"So," Freed said after a moment's thinking. "You believe that it would be best for me to leave my normal life so I can… come to terms with her death," He surmised. "Doesn't that seem like I'm running away from the problem?"

"You ain't running away from anything. You're not the type," Laxus had a small smile in his voice. "What you'd be doing is letting yourself grow into the person you are without her, rather than clinging to who you were before."

Freed was silent for a moment, before letting out a single laugh. "You therapist was smart, wasn't she?"

"She was," Laxus agreed.

"Annoying though," Freed continued.

"Definitely," Laxus laughed, before speaking softly. "You're gonna consider it then?"

"I will," Freed nodded.

"Promise me."

"I promise."

"Good," Laxus smiled. "Now, let's talk about you not mentioning the towel to me."

With the joke, Freed felt his relationship to Laxus normalise again. He could almost cry with the relief that flooded through him.

[thistangledbrain]

Day 19 & 20!

Day 19 - “I hate it when...”

As you’ve gleaned from prior posts, I hate it when you forget autism is a developmental disorder and not an intellectual one. We are so. Fucking. Tired. Of being treated as lesser, or like we don’t understand what you’re saying to us.

Outside of the reactions to others’ behavior, though, I have some personal “I hate it when”...I’ve let you into my mind and told you what I appreciate about how my brain works, but there are things I don’t like, for sure.

I hate that personal stressor things trigger a toddler-like need to SHUT DOWN. Like writing this blog, for example...the vulnerability I feel usually leads to a need to go to sleep for a long time, once I’m finished. Or after a long day socializing. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to engage my brain anymore, I just need to shut all systems down and sleep. Especially if there’s been a meltdown (meltdown—->shutdown)...and oh boy do I hate meltdowns. They’re really rare, thank dog.

I hate that my executive function is an absolute bag of ass. This is probably the biggest thing I would change. It got infinitely worse when my disability got bad (EDS), for some reason. And it drives me up the damn wall.

I hate my low function days/moments. It’s like my brain just won’t kick into gear, or the gears and wheels are rusty and grinding, & it’s rather anxiety inducing. I usually “hide” on my low days, sometimes in my darkened bedroom, and watch favorite shows or movies, or get lost in a good book - if I can. On low days I find myself re-reading crap constantly because it’s not making any sense, so I’ll even avoid complicated recipes...I have no idea why these days/moments happen, but boy do they piss me off/make me anxious (that’s kind of the same thing for me. My anxiety nearly always manifests as anger). On my low days, you’ll see (if you were a fly on the wall, because I suppress this even around my own family), me walking in tight, anxious figure 8’s and flapping my hands in a distressed way, as I anxiously try to mentally kick my brain into gear. (It doesn’t work, but it IS a little soothing. And my dogs are SO sweet...they gather around me tightly and just seem to know I need them.)

🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s probably more I could expound on that I don’t like, but writing this one has been pretty distasteful. I try not to dwell on things I hate anymore, so I’ve put this entry down multiple times and come back to it when I’m in a decent frame of mind. I think I’m tired of talking about it now, so I’m gonna just stop talking.....

Which is a good segue into Day 20 -

————————————-

“Communication”

Ahh communication. This entry will be long, because I have a lot to communicate LOL....

Personally, I write far more coherently and eloquently than I speak. My brain goes too fast...I often trip over words; my brain’s three steps ahead of what’s coming out of my mouth and I get scrambled sometimes. I can also take the time to think about what I want to say/HOW I want to say it. Like many autistics, I’m a blurter. LOL...I am constantly trying to remind myself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. This gets a LOT of us in trouble...one of my most memorable examples is, I *loudly* blurted “that’s BULLSHIT!!” in a church one time. (I was speaking on how my devout Methodist grandmother, who regularly takes communion at her church, was not permitted to receive communion in a Catholic church, merely because she isn’t Catholic, despite the fact that this woman is all about some Jesus & a devoted churchgoer - not just on Easter and Christmas.) In my defense, it WAS (IS) bullshit. I just didn’t need to practically yell that in church. As you can imagine, it was like a needle scratching across a record & everyone turned to stare. (My poor husband rescued me.) 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sigh. It’s a good idea to keep me out of most church services.

I am rather famous (infamous?) for calling bullshit straight to someone’s face, BLUNTLY. It’s out of my mouth before my brain’s “tact gatekeeper” I’ve spent over a decade trying to train is even half awake at his post (it’s a him because my husband is the one who taught me how to use tact in the first place. And it’s a him because said “gatekeeper” is lazy and falls asleep on the job all the time 😆). Have you ever just blurted your honest thoughts and heard shocked gasps or someone just busts out laughing? Yeah. That happens to me regularly. Or uncomfortable chuckles and someone will blink a few times and say, “oohhhkay, well, you could said that a different way.” (My old response to that was, I’m not responsible for what your reaction is to what I say...you’re in charge of your own feelings. I *understand* now how irresponsible and unfeeling that is, and I try to keep that in the front of my mind, even when I’m frustrated and nearly burning up with the desire to speak my thoughts in their raw form, but this is routinely an area I struggle to adapt to...and I am very sorry when I hurt someone I care about.)

On the other side of this same coin though, this is a trait my friends respect deeply, because I’m not cruel hearted or anything. You always know where you stand with me, and I’m the last person to try and lie to you. I SUUUUUCK at lying. And on the rare times when I do, I usually end up eventually telling on myself (this drove my older stepsister NUTS when we were kids, because she liked to do lots of sneaky things, and I don’t have an inherently sneaky nature LOL...so “DO NOT tell momma” was a *serious* risk for her, if she let me tag along 😂). Lying to someone just feels disgusting. Oily. Shameful. I hate lying. Plus, my short term memory is a grabasstic bag of CRAP, so there’s a good chance I won’t remember the lie and get caught anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My boys also suck at lying or hiding stuff, and generally prefer not to...but I also give them a safe forum to be honest. (I’m sure there’s LOTS of crap I don’t know, but you’d be surprised how much they DO tell me.)

Another thing with me personally is that I go mute sometimes. I’m not being deliberately obstinate. I’m not REFUSING to speak in those moments...sometimes I literally can’t, and the effort of doing so will make me gag, or even projectile vomit. Sounds very dramatic, doesn’t it? It is. (And it annoys the SHIT out of me.) There’s not a fucking thing i can do about it. The movement of my tongue in my mouth will literally begin to trigger my gag reflex, and if I try to power through it, I’m rewarded with my lunch returning to the surface anyway, regardless of my desires, and sometimes rather unexpectedly & violently. USUALLY this happens when I’m uber stressed, but sometimes it seems kind of out of the blue & catches even me off guard. If this happens but I still have something to say, I start texting instead, and explain. Most people - especially my hubby - are very kind when this happens. (I don’t want your pity, I just want you to switch to written communication for a minute until I can figuratively kick the fuck out of the engine in my “speaking center” and get it to work again.) Other times, I will literally get tired of talking. Like my mouth and tongue - and somehow, the “word forming” part of my brain feels physically exhausted (weird, I know, but I also spend the vast majority of my life silent - I am home alone all day, hate talking on the phone, and simply don’t speak much, by choice. So maybe it is actual “mouth fatigue” 😂😂😂 - I’ve stopped eating before because I just got tired of chewing, too, even though I’m still somewhat hungry. 🙄) I am usually *perfectly* happy to keep listening! And I’ll stay engaged in the conversation usually. I am just...done audibly talking. I’ll literally say “my mouth is tired of making the sounds now, but please keep going”...but I think my husband is the only one who doesn’t find this unusual, and rolls with it. It usually happens after a long, animated conversation...instead of winding down, though, it just..stops. If I try to keep going, cue the gagging. I can stay engaged in the conversation if you let me start writing/typing instead of speaking, for my responses. So that’s a “fun” little trait of mine that many neurotypicals find unsettling. Please don’t take it personally. My mouth just doesn’t want to make the words anymore - and I’m probably mostly done adding what I needed to add to the conversation anyway. I’m a great listener when this happens, though. 😆

Communication is a really interesting thing with all of us, because it’s a struggle on one level or another. I will tell you, it’s a frequent topic in my groups. “WHY CAN’T NEUROTYPICALS JUST SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN?!?! 😩😩😩” I’m dead serious - you might think, because we’re sensitive (generally), we can’t “handle” it? You’d be so very wrong. What we can’t handle is when you dance around a subject or we have to try and translate what you just said to us (which most of us are not that good at). Just fucking say it! Nine times out of ten, you’ll just get a look of dawning realization and a “oh, shit, okay” response. We can handle it. Just. Say. It. We’ll respect you a lot more in the morning, LOL 😆

I think every autistic has some sort of beef with neurotypicals when it comes to communication (as I’m sure you have yours with us, obviously).

You guys operate under some weird ass rules that we simply don’t understand - especially if you don’t tell us those rules & just expect us to know. Like, if my husband hadn’t patiently taken years to show/teach me how the way I said certain things were hurtful, I would still be in the “yeah she’s cool but she’s kind of an asshole” territory. (I still struggle to grasp this, or at least it still frustrates me....truth is truth, whether it’s an ironclad general fact or your own personal truth - and yes sometimes the truth hurts, but like...I don’t pin any responsibly for that on the truth teller, if that makes sense?)

Working in rescue also helped hone my ability to speak “neurotypically” to others - I work with a LOT of women, and boy do a lot of them NOT appreciate when you bluntly tell them what you think. Men on the other hand....

I know *lots* of autistic women who prefer friendships with men, largely centering around this communication thing. We hurt men’s feelings a little less regularly than other women’s. I know I was like that, until I got a little more used to how I have to modify my communication with most women (but that annoys me, I’m gonna be honest - it annoys my Autie friends, too). The only time I am as starkly blunt as I used to be, is when speaking to my female Autie friends (because they can handle it), or most of the dudes I’m friends with. But if my message is getting “lost in the sauce” and you’re not getting my point, I usually give a frustrated sigh, WARN you that I’m about to tell you flatly what I need to say, because we aren’t getting anywhere, and just say it.

Yes I am the friend who, when you gush on and on about your new back yard bred puppy, talking all about how you’re gonna breed him when he grows up, is gonna flatly say “he’s not breeding quality”, if they’re not. Then I’m gonna ask you why you want to do such a thing, given that you’re aware of the massive load of rescue dogs (PARTICULARLY Great Danes and Cane Corsos) - and probably beat your argument down every step of the way. That doesn’t always go badly though - one of my closest friends was considering breeding their dog, and while it was a beautiful dog, it was not one that should reproduce (from an “improve the breed” perspective). We barely knew each other, but I gained a reputation for being kind but starkly honest...and I knew what I was talking about...and now I have this person’s deep respect, and they have mine (because they listened and did the research I asked them to - and did not add to the breed population). So it’s not *always* a trainwreck, because the people who end up respecting how I communicate, usually end up VERY close friends. AND I WANT THAT IN RETURN, which is refreshing for a LOT of people. I want your dead honesty in return - PLEASE. It’s so much easier for me to process and accept. For example, my house is almost constantly in some sort of disarray. I have one friend who will come in and go, “girl. I almost can’t breathe in here - this clutter is too much”(and then she offers to help me tackle it!!).

Or, fairly recently, “oh my god those curtains are so horrible, I hope you’re getting rid of those when you redo this room.”

“But I MADE those curtains! I love that print!”

“Ugh. No. They’re terrible. Get rid of them.”

My feelings were not hurt in the LEAST (I of course had a flash of “you bitch, I was so excited to find that print and I MADE THOSE, ya jerk” 😂). At first I said, “well you’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with my shitty curtains, because I like them” 😂, but then as I was redoing the room, I took them down...and it DID look a lot better, so I left them down 😂😂😂....

So I guess my point with all this is: every autie I know deeply wishes you’d just fucking spit it out. We WILL often miss or misinterpret the point if you “fluff” it too much (around my neck of the woods, we call it putting too much gild on the lily, though I’ve never understood that one. Idk if a “gilded lily” is/was ever a thing, why anyone would gild a lily in the first place...LOTS of us struggle with colloquialisms that don’t make literal sense. 😆 Recently a friend was baffled over “shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster”, and fully half of the respondents to her post were people baffled by why anyone would shit in their hand - I and a couple others had to explain, and it just ended with them going “well that’s a fucking stupid saying anyway, and wishes aren’t things you can put in your hands, either” 😂😂😂...but I’m from the south, and these things are just part of our vocab. MOST of them are easy to grasp for me, like “nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”, because I immediately picture it and can grasp the meaning. But others I don’t get - the gilded lily is one LOL)...

We are LITERAL AS FUCK. It’s why we ruin lots of jokes, too. My poor husband is the dad joke king - and I ruin fully 1/3 or more of his jokes by being too literal (which he also finds amusing, so that’s good). Sometimes we realize we’re ruining the joke but we don’t care, because it’s dumb, or we just .... can’t....HELP IT. 😩😂

Jeez, I could almost write all day about autistics and communication LOL!!

But to summarize (and not succinctly, sorry), I guess, for me and many many others...we are often blunt, direct, almost painfully honest, and very, very literal. Your unspoken rules of communication absolutely go over our heads, unless you - yannow - *communicate* and explain them. We’ll probably tell you those rules are stupid and exhausting, but we will TRY and stick to it as best we can. But see, we literally have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths, because we communicate far more directly than you weird fuckers do. And it is literally actually exhausting. It’s not an easily natural thing for us to adapt to, your weird way of saying things but not saying what you really mean. You’re wasting a LOT of words there, sir, and we are now getting obsessively confused over why you would do such a thing. 😂 It’s also why I keep getting banned from Facebook. My recent one was because I said - in one of my Autie “safe” groups, where I should be able to just say what I mean - that I tend to punch or want to punch people who deliberately startle the shit out of me. We were talking about how stupid April Fool’s Day was, and how we hate pranks. Three of us got banned for 30 days for just...well. Facebook called it “incitement of violence”. 🙄🥺🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

But I haven’t met - yet, maybe? - an autistic person who is cruel natured - not one of us gets any joy from being a bully type. WE feel everything on a higher level, so we kind of assume you do, too...you might think, “then why are you such an asshole?!”, but it’s simply that we - or every Autie I know, anyway - struggle to grasp how directly communicating your feelings is so fuckin hard or hurtful for y’all. I think anyone struggles to grasp something they themselves don’t experience. All you have to do is explain, though, and keep guiding us towards communicating in ways that we both find acceptable. I mean we’re champs at accepting all manner of different human - regardless of race, sexuality, and so on - but the communication is one area that frustrates the ever loving SHIT out of most of us, because it makes so little logical sense why anyone would say a bunch of useless words that muddy up their intent.

My closing advice? Help Your Pet Autie ™️ (this is absolutely a tongue in cheek term btw) understand how you’d like to be communicated with, and guide us. BE SPECIFIC for fucks sake - we suck at guessing what you might want, and it’s so frustrating that we’ll often just stop communicating at all. Instead of saying “it hurts me when you say this”, try saying “the WAY you said this hurt my feelings because of ____. Maybe you could put it like this instead” (or, “you know, you should really just keep shit like that to yourself”) and *give examples*. Don’t expect us to come up with different ways of saying shit, because we don’t understand what it is specifically you want, and it’s not very logical, therefore it’s not “natural” for us. Plus, everyone is different. I can’t talk to one of my sons the same way I can talk to the other, without certain negative reactions. Give us a chance to know your needs - we DO CARE!!! - but be CLEAR. I know in your world, tact is a big deal, but MOST of us will miss the fucking point if you’re too tactful (and when we misinterpret, we always err on the side of worst case scenario, and make the issue wayyyyy bigger than it should be. Being clear is soooo important).

And hey. Maybe it’ll help clear up some communication in other areas of your life. Being clear isn’t a license to be a fucking asshole; nobody’s giving you a license to unleash on everyone about how much you can’t stand humans...if WE hafta be quiet about that, so do you lmao...fair’s fair. 😆 But quit hedging and hinting and hoping we will pick up on the whatever your grievance is - because we won’t. We’ll just know you’re unhappy, and start panicking over guessing what we did wrong, and just shut down, because we have no idea.

Just. Fucking. Say it. 😘

[the-currian]

I don't know if you do requests, but I really loved your yandere winter troupe headcannons, they sent chills down my spine, and I was wondering if you'd be open to doing a yandere headcannons for autumn troupe?

I don’t really consider my blog a request blog, but I will accept most requests that are sent my way!! Ask, and you shall receive lol I hope you like this one, too!!

--

A3! Autumn Troupe Yandere Headcanons

(No Azami because I’m only playing the English version and don’t have a good grasp of his character yet)

Banri Settsu

This guy is used to getting everything he wants – definitely a possessive-protective type.

Thus, unconsciously or not, he views you as his toy – a pretty little doll thing to do with as he pleases. Refers to you as his babydoll.

Intent on keeping his tough-guy image, but still with a need to keep you, his hand grips harshly against your waist when in public, his face contorted into a menacing scowl to let everyone know you belong to him. If anyone even looks at you the wrong way, a growl will reverberate from him through your body, followed by some curses as he glares at the offender.

If the offender is particularly aggressive and refuses to be driven off, he throws back the aggression tenfold by a passionate and heated assault on your lips until the goddamn person gets the memo and leaves.

In private he’s much more openly affectionate. If you try to leave his embrace, he won’t relent, only allowing it to end on his terms, scoffing at you because did you forget who he is and what he is capable of?

Sakyo Furuichi

Probably the most dangerous of the whole troupe – if not the whole company.

Sakyo is busy with yakuza-related business but has the power and resources to watch over you. Through this, he is able to learn anything and everything he can about you.

He used this to give you gifts offhandedly, saying things like “It seemed like something you would like.” when giving you things that were exactly what you wanted. You find it intriguing at first, wondering how he always seems to know what’s exactly on your mind.

Really good at manipulation. “I know I can’t be with you that often, but I’m really trying here. Going into this relationship you told me you didn’t mind my profession. What’s changed? Are you disgusted by me now? About my lifestyle?”

Stages a kidnapping with his gang to make you become dependent on him. He takes you to a hideout secluded from your normal day-to-day life. Whenever you probe a bit too much, he brushes you off with “It’s just until the danger passes.” “It’s for your own safety.” “I don’t want to see you get hurt. I just love you so much.”

And it works. You believe him.

However, that doesn’t mean that you don’t get antsy while in seclusion, and you end up attempting some things that Sakyo would definitely not approve of. Somehow, your plans always get thwarted by one of Sakyo’s associates or Sakyo himself dropping by at inopportune times. To be honest, he finds it adorable that you think you can escape him.

Sakoda is the tattletale. He shadows you whenever Sakyo himself can’t. Doesn’t mind the Sakyo’s behavior at all; as long as the boss is happy, right? Is definitely Sakyo’s worst enabler.

Omi Fushimi

The two of you start out as friends. Gradually you spent more and more time together until you grew closer. Both of you became attached to one another but you hadn’t realized just how attached Omi would be.

He asks you to be the subject of his pictures for his photography club. His members sung their praises, but Omi didn’t care for them much as he realized he didn’t like that the other guys in the club were talking about you. When they ask him if you could be their subject he gives them a flat ‘no’, storming out of the club room.

((lol as soon I finished writing that bullet I realized it’s literally this but in a more sinister context:))

It becomes an insidious obsession for him. Having impromptu photo shoots with you, taking candids of you on dates, until one day…

When you get back home you discover pictures of you in some quite intimate situations when you were all by yourself. Sometimes, they are accompanied by notes on the back. Never let anyone else see you like this. You’re mine. You should be more careful with your windows, darling.

Does not tolerate admirers at all. Does not engage. Picks you up like a potato sack or a blushing bride, depending on his mood, to carry you away from those villains.

Treats you like a queen. Truly, madly in love with you. He sincerely just wants to love you. Showers you with love and affection.

He is incapable of blaming you for anything you say or do against him.

He’s usually calm and collected, but if you intentionally draw out his anger to the breaking point, he may just strike you (he’s not called the Mad Wolf for nothing)

After that incident he closes himself off from you for awhile, apologizing on a daily basis. Even when you reassure him that it’s alright and it wasn’t his fault - it was yours - he doesn’t accept that; it haunts him for a long time.

Taichi Nanao

 At first, Taichi is content with watching you from afar – watching from the sidelines. He never felt worthy enough for you. He’s always dreamed of romance and doesn’t want to screw it up.

That all changed one day when he noticed someone was taking up too much of your time for you to be comfortable, so he decides to confront them.

You just so happened to be passing by, stopping out of curiosity when you heard your name come up. You come across what seems to be Taichi reprimanding a guy that’s been approaching you a lot lately.

‘Serves him right,’ you think, ‘The poor guy doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.’

“Stay away! They’re mine, not yours! I love them, but even I wouldn’t dare take up too much of her time like that, you creep!”

In hindsight, perhaps you should have seen this coming.

Oblivious of the future to come, you break up the fight and pull Taichi aside, confessing your feelings for him, thanking him for standing up for you.

“R-really?” Taichi beams, tears coming to his eyes. “I promise to never let you go! You’ll see, I’ll become a man worthy of you!”

When you start dating he stops stalking you in favor of bombarding you with texts and calls – he always wants to know where you are, who you’re with, when he can see you next.

This boys craves attention – he’s like a puppy, really. He desperately seeks opportunities to be physically close to you.

Manipulates you into staying with him by sabotaging your image in public, causing a scene. (Hey, if he could sabotage the Autumn troupe, what’s stopping him with you?)

“That was really low of you to use me like that just so you could get in with the Mankai company.” “W-what are you talking about? I didn’t use you!” “Why would you do that? Am I not good enough?” Taichi chuckles ruefully. “Then again, I should’ve expected this, huh? I’m never good enough. It was sill of me to think that maybe you would be different–“ “Taichi, I do care! Please, please don’t say that!” “Really? Actions speak louder than words. You’re gonna have to do better than that. Show me.”

Juza Hyodo

Ordinarily chill. He just wants to see you happy. Whatever you need, he’ll go lengths for you. …Anything.

Physically rough with outsiders. If you’re ever threatened he will become ruthlessly protective. No amount of you pleading or crying will stop him from exacting revenge on the perpetrator. And at the end of it, he’ll pull you into his arms, stroking your hair, ignorant of the fact that he’s smearing blood in it because all that matters is that you’re safe.

He won’t restrict you from going outside but he makes sure that you’re firmly at his side, having you in his grip to keep you protected but more to let everyone know that you’re his.

Boy has a terrifying aura and he definitely knows how to use it.

If you ever confront him about his behavior, he’ll simply stare at you with a piercing gaze, getting you to drop it. If you are particularly persistent he’ll tug you into his embrace, hoping to distract you.

If you still refuse, pushing him away, he will give into his anger. Although he would never physically harm you, he’s not against threatening you into submission. His tall frame looms over you and he growls your name in a commanding voice as he traps you between a wall and his threatening stature, practically crushing you against it. Still, any crying or pleading from you is met with a threatening silence, and despite your stammers of fear he continues this until he is able to calm down.

[writethehousedown]

New sensations, sweet temptations: chapter four (crygi, jan/rock) - Winter

a/n: we’re getting into the gay janic now and it’s my fav part, idk what to say about this chapter except jan needs to sort hersellf out and i love writing this fic, thanks to emerald for helping me birth poisson, i don’t know how to explain it but it’s the funniest thing to me, enjoy!

Jan had spent the next day with too many thoughts to deal with. Nothing quite made sense. All she knew was she liked Rock.

No. It wasn’t just a crush

She was in love with Rock.

It was obvious in hindsight, of course, it was. The way they treated each other had always been borderline flirtatious. But that type of flirting that could easily be mistaken for close friendship. No one made Jan laugh the same, no one else made her feel understood the way Rock did. No one compared to Rock, and the thought was terrifying.

She’d spent 17 years of her life as an unassuming straight girl. She had dated guys in the past, some who she got along great with. But looking at it now, her feelings for them felt forced. It never felt quite right when she was younger, she chalked it up to age. A heteronormative society made her refuse the possibility of liking girls. She realised all this in such a short amount of time it became overwhelming.

The day passed in a blur, her feelings were too distracting but thinking about them made her head spin. Why was it this hard? Why couldn’t she just know what was going on and deal with it?

A cynical part of her knew why. Because nothing was that easy, especially not realising you’ve been lying to yourself for your whole life. Everything Jan thought she knew had flown out of the window the minute Rock wore that goddamn swimsuit.

—

Monday came too fast for comfort. Jan hadn’t gotten anywhere in dealing with her feelings. If anything they only become more complicated as time went on. She tried to not let it show, acting the energetic bubbly girl she always was. But the facade wouldn’t work for some.

Jan knew full well Rock would catch on to what was going on. Although she was oblivious, she was always very perceptive of Jan’s mood change. It was a blessing and a curse that made facing Rock an impossible feat for the moment.

Seeing her chatting to Nicky at lunch made Jan’s heart leap. She couldn’t help but stare. The pink-haired girl was adorable when she got focused on a conversation, eyes clearly attentive to whoever she was talking to. Jan didn’t know what they were talking about, maybe some new video game or something.

A spike of jealousy rose in Jan. It felt wrong to be jealous over someone talking to her friend but Jan could only feel annoyed that she wasn’t currently the subject of Rock’s attention. When the pink-haired girl turned around to face her, Jan’s heart beat faster than she knew was possible. Rock would pick up on her feelings if she wasn’t careful. Part of her wanted to confide in the girl. Rock had her back no matter what, but the thought of it made Jan want to run. She couldn’t think about talking about it. Not yet.

Over the lunch period, Jan kept her act up, glad no one had seemed to catch on. She managed to keep conversation well, despite feeling like she was going to melt whenever Rock looked at or diverted all her attention to her. Being the subject of the very engaged listening face was a lot to handle. Or maybe Rock was too cute to handle, Jan didn’t know which one it was, although she was too scared to question it.

—-

A boring English class had left Rock inattentive, trying to find anything to occupy herself with without the teacher realising she wasn’t focused. Nicky seemed to pick up on this, giving the pink-haired girl an amused look, glancing to and from her and the teacher before sending a bored, blank stare to the latter.

“Alright Rock, you look like you’re having a thought, what’s happening?” Nicky whispered, stifling a laugh at the offended reaction Rock sent back.

“Do you think something was up with Jan? She seemed a little off at lunch and I’m worrying.”

“I mean there’s always something off with her, no one human is capable of being that excited about life.”

“Nicky, I’m being serious.”

Seeing Rock’s face devoid of humor was jarring, Nicky couldn’t remember a time she ever looked this serious unless she was upset by something.

“Okay, explain then.”

“She wasn’t acting like she normally does, it seemed forced. Did something happen? She seemed kinda off yesterday too, didn’t text back like she normally does, it was all short and weird sounding.”

“Huh, she texted me completely normally, and she acted normally with me today. Are you sure there’s something up?”

“Absolutely, every time I’ve thought something was up with her because she was acting forced, I was right. I know Jan and something is clearly bothering her. But if she wasn’t acting weird with you…”

Rock paused, suddenly looking down. Nicky shook her head, knowing exactly where this was going.

“Do you think I did something? I don’t know if I could cope with Jan being mad at me. Oh god did I say something? Is she mad at me? Does Jan hate me?”

“Roxanne, no.” Nicky knew what was happening, Rock had a habit of blaming herself whenever something seemed off. Although they teased each other a lot, Nicky cared deeply for her and hated seeing Rock get in her head about everything. Calling her by her full name was enough to shock her into paying attention to what the french girl was saying.

“She doesn’t hate you, poussin. We both know you two are too close for her not to say anything if there was a problem.”

Rock’s panic paused, she looked at Nicky and stifled a laugh.

“Did you just call me a fish?”

“You…Rock no. I said poussin, it’s a term of endearment. Fish is poisson. You do have the brain of a fish though.”

Rock could barely hold back her laughter at that. Her hand clamped over her mouth, trying to keep her volume down before she got noticed. Nicky clearly wasn’t about to let Rock be quiet though. She moved closer before whispering something in her ear.

“Poisson.”

That was enough for Rock to burst out in a loud cackle, immediately having the class and a very irate teacher staring at her. Nicky couldn’t help but join in upon seeing her friend’s reaction. This only served to annoy their teacher more though.

“Roxanne, Nicolette! Do I need to send you two out of class or will you quiet down?”

Exchanging a look of amusement, Nicky and Rock calmed down their laughter. Although a strange look from Jaida threatened to start them off again.

“Chile. Y’all are some strange people.”

Jan watched the exchange from the back of the class, sat next to Jaida. She snickered at her friend’s comment, feeling her heart flutter at the sight of Rock laughing so hard about something. She found her laugh adorable, then again everything about Rock was adorable. Jan wished she could be the cause of that laughter, she had been in the past but now with everything she struggled to see herself being able to get to that point with Rock.

But her heart couldn’t take the thought of struggling to talk to the girl she was pining for. It clicked then, in the English classroom, staring at her crush’s back. She had to force herself to do it. The scariest thing she could think of right now.

She had to talk to Rock.

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “John Wick” Part 3

Y/N left The Organization 3 years ago for the one reason strong enough to make her settle down: love. But after tragedy crushed her to pieces, she decided to leave The Joker and seek refuge with an old friend and mentor - John Wick. Needless to say The King of Gotham can’t accept his wife running away without a word, especially since he didn’t have a chance to tell her things she might want to hear.

Part 1     Part 2

The Joker listens at the bedroom’s door, impatient to have a conversation with you. It seems you are engaged into a fervent phone call with Winston and figured he shouldn’t interrupt.

“Please, anything you can discover would be a great help! U-hum… U-hum… Thank you,” and you hang up, which queues your husband to walk into the room.

You completely ignore him, scrolling through the numerous text messages you sent to your connections; several are already answering back and hopefully you can get some news soon. The more people are involved into the project, the more chances to find Kase and untangle the mystery of what happened to him after he was removed from the car.

“You left me there,” The Joker sneaks in and closes the door behind him. “Luckily we had Wick with us so he gave me a ride.”

No reaction. He takes a deep breath, trying to get your awareness.

“I didn’t sleep with Evelyn; sex wasn’t the reason why I kept visiting her. I know how that asshole made it sound and he was totally out of line!”

You quickly glance at him, busy replying to Ares since you feel you’re going to explode soon.

“The only skill I was interested in is the fact that she is an excellent painter and a popular art smuggler, OK?” J raises his voice, sort of annoyed you neglect to participate into his monologue. “I did not cheat, alright?” he approaches his wife. “First of all: I’m VERY picky! Second of all: why would I want a woman everyone else had?! I don’t like used toys. Third: nobody’s been polishing my gun as you tastefully addressed the issue! I have one Queen and I married her!!”

A little bit of doubt in your eyes and he utilizes the opportunity.

“You said you saw me going to her house? I did! The Bowery King asked if it was for the last 6 months? Yeah, I did! You know why?!”

At least now The Joker got your attention: you play it cool but he guesses you’re torn apart by his confession.

Many unfortunate events crammed in lately and hating the man you love made life infinitely more unbearable.

“Why…?” you barely muster the strength to inquire and he sees it as a possibility to mend a few broken pieces; although you can hide your emotions well, J can still read between the lines.

Maybe that’s why he answers with another question:

“Do you realize there are just three Monet paintings in circulation on the black market in the entire world? You admire his work and it took a lot of effort and a substantial fortune to acquire The Water Lily Pond painting. Evelyn Black helped with the transaction, then I had her make some modifications to the original masterpiece.”

You keep staring at The King of Gotham, uncertain about the stuff being tossed your way: is he lying or telling the truth?... In your line of work translating feelings is a huge part of the job; ultimately you had the best mentor to teach you the ropes when you started with the organization: none other than the legendary Baba Yaga. Despite his reputation and to your own amazement, John was one of the few hitmen with integrity and perfectly mastered the aptitude of not being a jerk. Such a rare gem… And blissfully unaware of it himself.

On the opposite end, The Joker is a jerk and flawlessly acquainted with his own “captivating” personality that made you fall in love with him anyway.

Also, doesn’t appear to be deceitful for the moment.

And you despise yourself even more for wanting to believe him.

“What… modifications?...” you throw him a bone and J is definitely not going to pass on the alternative of explaining his actions.

“I wanted to surprise you so I took advantage of Miss Black’s capabilities in the art field; I had her add small images to the authentic canvas: an evolution of you being pregnant, the nine frames culminating with a tenth: the new mother holding our son. Similar to a timeline,” he emphasize and you look intrigued, which might be a positive sign. “Needless to say it was tedious, difficult work, especially because she had to apply special pigments you can’t find at every corner of the street. Apparently you can’t mix old paint with contemporary shades, thus I had to order aged, special colors from Italy, Spain and France. That’s why I went to her place so often: I had to supervise the long process and make sure it turns out astonishing. Then…” and The Joker pauses,”…Kase was gone and I didn’t know what to do with my gift: bring it home or not? Would you have loved it? Would it make you sadder? I continued to drive to Evelyn’s and glare at the stupid painting for hours, undecided on what to do…”

J watches you bite on your cheek, then straightens his shoulders as you utter the words:

“… … … You ruined a genuine Monet?”

Your spouse might be a smooth talker when needed, yet he’s not wasting his versatility on this statement:

“I didn’t ruin it; I made it better!”

Silence from both parties. A good or bad omen? Hard to decipher the riddle with two individuals tangled into a relationship that somehow worked despite countless peculiarities meant to keep them apart.

“I have to talk to Jonathan,” you finally mutter and The Joker steps in front of you.

“Talk to me!”

“Unless you know the exact location of the suitcase full of gold coins he’s been safekeeping for me, I really have to speak to him. Or do you want to hammer the whole basement searching for it?”

Y/N walks out of the bedroom and J lingers inside, evesdropping on the conversation happening downstairs. He can’t understand the chat, but you are probably notifying John about the details your husband left out.

Might as well join the party, therefore The Clown pops up in the living room with a plea impossible to refuse:

“Hey Wick, can I stay here? I don’t care if you say no, I’m not going to leave.”

Your friend crosses his arms on his chest, focusing on the random topic:

“How could I deny such a polite request? Of course you can stay Mister Joker; my house is your house.”

You’re watching the free show unamused; usually it would make you smile…now you lack the depth for such connotations.

“Don’t get smart with me, Wick!” J growls and Jonathan pushes for a tiny, unnecessary quarrel.

“I’m not; although generally speaking, I fancy considering myself a smart guy.”

The Joker opens his mouth and you’re not in the mood for whatever the heck they’re initiating:

“I’m going to pump, then after you dig out the suitcase I’ll take half to the Bowery King,” you announce your plans to them.

“You can do that and rest; I’ll deliver the coins,” John immediately offers. “I can stop by Aurelio’s car shop and ask for his collaboration: he has a lot of associates, doesn’t hurt to get him involved. You have plenty of gold.”

“I have two more suitcases in the Continental’s safe and two more at The Penthouse. It doesn’t matter if it’s all gone as long as I can find my son.”

“I know gold coins are preferred; don’t forget we have a lot of money too,” J reckons with spite.

Is he reminding you or Jonathan?...

*************

Your husband spent the last hour in the garden, talking and texting with a lot of people; needless to mention he’s capitalizing on his network also. Winston disclosed Stonneberg’s contract is still opened, meaning the son of a bitch is out there; you have to scoop him before anybody else does.

“Y/N…” The Joker tiptoes in your quarters. “I thought you were taking a nap,” he huffs when he sees you at the edge of the bed.

You glare at the vial on the nightstand, sharing your idea for a future you wish will come true:

“I didn’t have my medicine in two days; I won’t take it anymore because if we get Kase back… I will nurse him. It all goes in the milk and I want to be able to feed my baby… Do you think his little heart is still beating?...” you sniffle and J is currently debating on a clever response since his mind is blank; one could deduce messing up is encoded in his DNA, but on such a huge scale… well, it gives new interpretations to the term even for him.

The grieving woman seeking reassurance for their loss is trying to make sense of the pointless occurrences that lead to Kase being an innocent victim and The Joker can’t render clarification: he has no clue why he asked her to marry him and why she said yes, it’s not that he’s husband material or a family man. Perhaps Y/N thought he could be… just enough to get by, that’s why she accepted his proposal.

Most women would have cringed at the concept. Most women. Not Y/N.

Most women would have flinched at the notion of having his baby. Most women. Not his wife.

Above all, she trusted J with their son and he treated the three weeks old like a trinket: didn’t drive him home because he had an important meeting, didn’t bother to assign escorting cars nor extra security. The King of Gotham took his child’s safety lightly and it definitely had severe consequences. Too late now to fix past mistakes... but he can attempt.

“You’ll be able to nurse him, OK?” he sits by you and hands over his cell. “Can you enter your phone number in here? Or am I not allowed to have the present digits?”

You’re hesitant and he slides the screen while you hold the gadget.

“Lemme help you,” The Joker sarcastically mumbles. “It should be the first on my list, right where the old number you canceled was.”

You exhale and fulfill his demand out of pure frustration when he squeezes in a second innocent petition.

“Chose my avatar.”

You grunt at his rubbish, scrolling through his folders for a picture anyway; J hopes the largest file will get your attention and that’s the point. How could Y/N miss it?!

Entitled “Baby”, the humongous cluster of pics contains 5,723 items. You open it quite absorbed by its size; what’s more puzzling is the collection depicting Kase’s ultrasounds, hundreds of frames with you being pregnant taken without you knowing: there’s a few when your ankles were so swollen you had to sleep with your feet up on 4 pillows, others with you munching on strange food you craved, more with you in the shower focused on your bump, a decent amount of couple selfies when you were sleeping and J had to immortalize the moment without waking you up and approximately 1,500 images of the newborn.

“You didn’t gross me out when you were pregnant,” The Joker reminds a teary Y/N. “Not sure why you would believe such aberration...” he pulls you on his knees and yanks the phone away, tossing it on the nightstand. “I would also like to underline I didn’t have an affair with Miss Black, alright?”

J lifts your chin up, forcing to look at him.

“Let’s put it this way: why would I fuck around with another woman when I have a wife at home that wants to kill me on a regular basis, hm? Where would the fun be? I mean, she didn’t pull the trigger yet but it’s exciting to hope she might. You know me: I’m a sucker for thrills!”

“Do I?”

“Huh?” J steals a kiss and you frown at his sleekness.

“Know you?”

“Yeah,” the green haired Clown acts composed while in fact his feathers are ruffled. Before you catch onto it he has to ultimately admit: “I’m sorry I didn’t drive the car… I should have…”

The Joker holds in his breath when your arms go around his neck very tight.

“I’m suffocating…” he grumbles. “I can’t tell if you’re trying to hug me or choke me to death,” J keeps on caressing your hair, prepared to block your attack in case you’re actually in killing mode.

This is the excitement he was speaking about: with you, one could never know until it’s a done deal.

“I bumped into Magnus at the Continental,” you give him a bit of space to inhale much needed air and The Joker is surprised at your revelation. “I had no idea about his scheme, otherwise I would have skinned him alive right on the hotel grounds! I wouldn’t have cared about the consequences!”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” J cuts you off and he can tell you’re getting mad; maybe you think he doesn’t give a damn but the reason is simple. “You would’ve been declared excommunicado for murder on neutral ground and I don’t want my wife to be the target of such punishment from the company she so proudly retired from. I need my partner!”

The King of Gotham touches your forehead with his as you whisper:

“I hate you!”

“Mmm, regarding this true love affirmation, I’m gonna need you to take a break from detesting me until we have Kase, then you can despise me full throttle again. Deal?” he extends the palm of his hand and you reluctantly shake it, not realizing you’re reacting to his nonsense. “Is that a smile?” J returns the favor with one of his creepy silver grins.

“No.”

“Liar,” he pecks your lips and can’t explain the weird feeling in his heart when you kiss him back.

*************

Jonathan enters the house and becomes suspicious after a few minutes: too much silence.

Omg! Did you and The Joker engaged into a brawling that ended up badly? Did you end each other?!

John frantically runs to the garage, nervous to see your car and J’s are still parked inside. Shit!

“Y/N?” he shouts, concerned about your fate; The Joker’s… irrelevant. Nobody in the garden, patio is empty also. Downstairs is deserted thus he rushes upstairs to your room. The door is not completely shut and he slowly pushes it, knocking.

“Y/N? Can I come in?”

The first thing he notices are clothes scattered on the floor, then he halts his movement at the sight of Y/N and her husband dozing off on the bed sideways: the naked bodies are covered with a blanket, but he can tell you’re snuggled in J’s arms.

Jonathan steps backwards, guilty of invading his guests’ privacy; he certainly didn’t expect to intrude in such a manner and softly closes the door, grateful it’s not what he feared.  

You and The Joker are so worn out the sound of your phones vibrating on the nightstand doesn’t wake you from the deep sleep. Your numerous contacts keep replying back to the text messages, the most important one showing up on his cell: one of the people J reached to is Evelyn Black and the two sentence conversation lights up the screen.

“Let me know if you see Stonnenberg.”

“He’s here.”

 Also read: MASTERLIST

You can follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

[marysfoxmask]

Have you done The Misselthwaite Archives webseries? It's obviously one of the looser adaptations, but I thought it was really well done. Love to hear your thoughts on it!

my first ask!!! i’m so excited!! thank you, anon! i love asks, btw, and would love for people to continue to send them!

i actually watched the misselthwaite archives as it was coming out! every wednesday, i watched the newest episode after coming home from school. it was the highlight of my week!

i actually rewatched a good chunk of episodes the other night. it dredges up a lot of nostalgia for me in a bittersweet way. i appreciate the series a lot, and i think everyone involved did a great job, but it’s the way the creators approach adapting the source material that i find to be a little off the mark.

this is mainly because i think something is inevitably lost when bringing the secret garden into modern day (which was, back then, good old 2015). i think, if i were trying to adapt the book into a modern setting, i’d minimize the modern day trappings as much as possible; references to modern pop culture like parks and recreation and beyoncé, like misselarch employs, are fleetingly fun, but i think they date the material too much. they also feel too kitschy and cute, in my opinion. that’s my opinion of a lot of the misselthwaite archives’ adaptation choices—they’re cute, but don’t feel like they do justice to the material. 

i feel making mary a snarky, bitter teenager seems like a good idea at first, but i think it’s ultimately a misrepresentation. in the original novel, she’s prickly and prone to insulting others, sure, but she’s also sullen, withdrawn, and socially awkward—her inability to connect with others is derived from the lack of positive social interaction she had since she was born. she’s emotionally stunted, which mary in the misselthwaite archives doesn’t communicate at all in her video diaries to dr. burnett (which is a very nice homage, i will admit). 

on the contrary, teen!mary is charismatic, with a biting wit; she’s had friends in the past, but they only cared for her parents’ money. ironically, her friendship with declan seems almost to benefit him more in terms of social development than it does her. her petty cruelty seems more the product of watching mean girls one too many times than any deep-rooted emotional trauma. though there are gestures made to indicate that she feels badly about her celebrity parents’ deaths, i never found them particularly convincing. i felt her vulnerability as an orphan, as a young woman with no prospects, with no real friends—as she is at the the beginning of the story—never came through properly. it felt like the writers wanted to modernize mary’s contrariness in a way, metamorphosing it into a more palatable 21st-century diagnosis: jaded teenager syndrome. 

which is cute, but not very book-accurate, i feel. it colors the rest of her journey if she hasn’t been socially deprived like she is in the novel. i can’t imagine the mary of the misselthwaite archives having a profound revelation about how much nicer people look when they smile, for instance. as a result, her journey feels a lot less interesting to me.

i personally feel mary should have been prickly, of course, and sometimes aggressively mean, but more unwilling to talk about her feelings than anything—more emotionally numb after years of neglect, more uninterested in nearly everything. she shrugs when spoken to, looks eternally glum, glares at the pitying glances of sarah medlock. it’s only with the influence of the characters in the story that she’s coaxed into opening up and begins to bloom.

i really liked sarah medlock’s characterization, as well as uncle art’s and phoebe’s! i love that aunt sarah is presented as having positive intentions from the get-go, as i’ve always hated her vilification in other adaptations. i also really like the portrayal of declan—i like the idea of him being a bit of a social misfit.

with callie, i really enjoy her actress’s portrayal—she’s properly hysterical and catty! but i feel like turning colin into a girl doesn’t add anything to the story, and removes some of the narrative tension that comes with mary coming into contact with a member of the opposite sex that mirrors her in terms of upbringing and attitude. if anything, i feel it downplays the tension of their budding friendship, as the subconscious assumption that people are more likely to become friends people of the same sex is one that the audience undoubtedly has. 

i don’t particularly like callie being steeped in pop culture, either, though it makes sense in a modern setting, technically. in the source material, though, colin is surrounded by interesting things to engage with, but he’s disinterested in all those things when mary stumbles across him. he’s more interested in thinking about his illness. i think having callie be immersed in pop culture as a way to entertain herself indicates a level of engagement with the world that colin is completely shut off from, which definitely affects his characterization. a version of colin that is invested in things enough to buy merchandise of them, etc. is a version of colin who is already significantly more “alive” than his book counterpart from the beginning. a more accurate idea of communicating colin’s isolation, i feel, would have callie being too cynical and emotionally stunted to be interested in anything, at least for very long; any media about characters going on interesting adventures only reminds her of the lackluster quality of her own life and makes her insecure, so she eschews pop culture in favor of frequent depression naps and bullying aunt sarah and phoebe. sometimes she’ll read if she’s bored, but not often, and she refuses to have lessons with phoebe unless she feels well enough to learn, leaving her education full of gaps despite her intelligence. callie, in my hypothetical adaptation, is determined to live a miserable, barren existence, much like colin. 

 anyway, it also seems that canon callie isn’t dogged by colin’s negative thoughts quite as much, and her feelings surrounding her condition feel too subdued to communicate colin’s utter maladjustment. the episode where callie “explodes” feels too muted by half! this girl should be furious, incoherent with hysteria, raging at the world for her mother’s death, stricken with self-loathing and misery! but, while callie’s actress does an amazing job with what she has, i can’t help but feel that the adaptation of her character was a bit lukewarm.

i also think giving mary and callie a history together undermines the importance of them finding each other for the first time, and gives their friendship too much of an instant leg-up from the minute mary finds her. it makes the work she has to do to befriend/reform callie feel too easy. 

not to mention, the pacing of the second half of the story, where mary finds callie to the point where she and declan plan to take her to the glade, seems way too fast. i feel there was a lot of missed potential there; they could’ve really drawn out the rockiness of mary and callie’s relationship, like mary and colin’s in the book.

i think my big problem with the misselthwaite archives is that the creators, in service of adapting it to modern times, undercuts and downplays a lot of the earnestness of the characters’ relationships that i found so charming in the book. instead of instantly loving dickon and breathlessly calling him beautiful, mary only grudgingly admits that she needs declan’s help, and any affection she has for him she keeps close to the chest. colin’s desperation for mary’s company, his screaming for her to come to him, is rendered as needy over-texting, devoid of any emotional urgency; callie seems more bored, rather than truly lonely and unable to communicate in an emotionally mature manner, like colin is. even declan is subdued in his love for nature, more shy. it makes sense for a modern adaptation not prone to the novel’s 1910s sentimentality, but i can’t help but feel that the adaptation feels dull and repressed as a result. 

i also wish we got a proper video of callie and declan meeting!

like a lot of adaptations, i think the pacing is off; more time should be spent on ironing out mary and callie’s relationship, more time should be spent in the garden, helping callie bloom. the “eye of the tiger” bit was cute, but gah, colin walking took months and months of practice, and to see all that development be reduced to a short little montage feels disheartening. i’d love to see at least 10 episodes of the teens just chilling in the glade, talking about their childhood traumas in more detail, having little conflicts among each other, planting flowers and setting up decorations...for a series with such short installments, that kind of episodic structure would be perfect. maybe they could create a subplot where mary suggests callie go to her high school and she has to work that out with medlock and that becomes a whole character-building thing, or she has a conflict with basil, or callie properly hashes out her negative feelings toward declan, or something. i dunno. i just wanted more.

i think the misselthwaite archives was really cute, but i feel it misses the mark on the melancholy of the original story; the glade itself is perfect, but the interpretation of mary feels too derivative of the “bratty teenager” trope to be honest to her book character, in my opinion. and i dislike pop culture references in timeless classics, even modern-day interpretations of them, lol. but i still appreciate it as an adaptation, though—it’s just so eager to translate the sentimentality into something more modern that it loses the essence of what i find so charming about the book, which is the unabashed intensity of the characters’ friendships, the extreme character development, and the scale of the emotional and social deprivation mary and colin suffered before said character development occurs.

i also wish declan had more animals around him, though obviously that can’t be helped, haha.

please send more asks, anon! i’d be happy to answer them! :)

[bladekindeyewear]

Boots reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 8 - Meat Page 41

==>

Okay, Dirk’s gonna monologue about, like... acknowledging his villainy without realizing it I guess?

And if I didn’t bother pursuing those goals, and thereby tacitly accepting the untold suffering that resulted from my inaction, wouldn’t that make me a bad person? If I try and succeed, I’m a hero, right? And if I try and fail, at least I made things interesting on my way to the grave. There would be a tragic nobility in that. And the way I see it, settling for anything less from my arc would be, frankly, pathetic.

So yeah, of course I know I “have to be stopped.” It’s part of the contract. What you sign up for when you assume the burdens of this sort of power. Where there is that which must be subdued and suborned for the greater good, there is that which will instinctively resist. That which intuits that whatever’s going on here is “wrong.” Otherwise, intervention wouldn’t even be necessary, would it?

Yeah, the Heroic and Just death parameters I outlined in the Ultimate Riddle post pretty clearly line up here that he’s fucking shit over in a way he refuses to truly believe is going to end up in his Just demise even if he knows it on some level.  Fucking over everyone’s wills like that?  Fuck you.

Only worthless people permit themselves the great luxury of a valorous sacrifice. 

JUST.  FUCKING.  DEATH.

Mhmm, he knows he’s going to get fucking owned.  Just a little sooner than he thought, I’d reckon.

...geez, I’m going to forget to fucking EAT again today if this epilogue goes on much longer.  Maybe I’ll have to blog the Candy part, like, tomorrow or something.  If I can convince myself to SLEEP instead of reading more, that is.

==>

Thank God all the manipulation is reversing itself.  Keep playing into it and letting it happen you pompous ass, Dirk, it was inevitable.

Couldn’t pay me to be in that room right now. Not for all the agency in the world.

Yeah, agency is the word.  Dirk is aiming for infinite agency at the expense of everyone else’s.  His God-Tier powers crush others’ individuality and let him puppeteer them instead, and it’s what he’s been using all along to manipulate the situation in this story.

they will know what to do, when they are ready.

On the one hand, thanks alt!Callie.  On the other, seriously fuck you alt!Callie for taking Jade out of the story AAAAGAAAAAIN.  D:<

neither she nor her friends will have to worry about him anymore, so long as they remain on this planet and under my protection.

Um, that was phrased ominously potentially.

huddled on the floor, she repeats this pledge to herself. theoretically, he could be stopped before he leaves, if they hurried. they would need to know what to do, where to go, and to have the motivation to do it, but time is short. i could push them to, with a certain degree of intervention, but i will not. my unwillingness to do so is what separates me from him. and what corporeal life needs now is someone presiding over them who is nothing like him at all.

FUCK YES, PRESERVE THE WILL OF THE CHARACTERS INSTEAD OF TURNING IT ALL INTO YOUR OWN FANFIC YOU BEAUTIFUL CHERUB

Also, thought that occurred to me at the end of this page... did Dirk potentially arrange John’s death here to keep his retcon powers from being able to stop him?

==>

Epilogue Eight

Okay I’m churning through this all pretty quickly now that there isn’t a bunch of hyperdense prose in the way.  Excellent conversation between characters, furthering the plot along while engaging in very understandable hilarity.

KARKAT: TELL HER TO REGISTER MY HEAVING BULGE AS A PRIORITY!!!!!

Wonk

I don’t THINK I’m reading this any faster than usual, but it FEELS like I am? Maybe because of the format, or maybe I really AM reading it faster to get to Dirk’s fucking comeuppance as fast as goddamn possible.

Pfff, cosplaying as Dave.

KARKAT: WOW! THE WOKEMASTER IS ON FUCKING FIRE FOLKS! HE’LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT!!!

I love this whole conversation

ROXY: awwwwwww ROXY: u boys cute :)

<3

Alright, Jane doesn’t kno-- wait, you’re not looping her in on this?  I thought she’d join in and get, like, a redemptive character arc.  Oh well, lesstimespentonthatthebetterhurryupandkickDirk’sass

Wait, so Roxy didn’t know John wasn’t coming back?  Calliope did though???

Is the only reason Dirk took Terezi along to keep her from giving them info, or... no, he said MORE of them would eventually come, what the fuck is he even planning?

they will believe they are on a quest to retrieve a wife and rescue a friend. but they will discover their true mission is of much greater cosmic significance than they imagined. the seer is firmly in the thrall of the prince and will not easily be pried away. and as regards the heir, though resuscitation remains a theoretical possibility for those still striving for it, the truth of his role is it has reached a greater sense of narrative finality than any of his allies will bring themselves to admit. his influence over canon has come to an end, as has this particular story. his ultimate sacrifice was made to put the missing keystone in place and avert the supreme dissipation of all that shall be considered to hold truth, relevance, and essentiality.

...Huh.

Okay, so they MIGHT have to accidentally create Paradox Space, and regardless by stopping Dirk they’ll be guaranteeing agency as a right to those who live both within and without the confines of... whatever existence even is anymore.

......This ship chase through Paradox Space of cosmic significance sounds disturbingly familiar to old pictures I used to verbally paint about the endgame, and I refuse to think about that idea further.

And we’re returning to black text, from the sound of what alt!Callie is saying.  Let’s do that.

==>

POSTSCRIPT?!?????

POSTSCRIPT?  P O S T S C R I P T?!??!?!??!?!??

IS THIS FUCKING OVER OR SOMETHING? IS THIS NOT GETTING RESOLVED WHAT THE FLYING FUCK AAA OKAY CALM DOWN CALM DOWN BOOTS AND READ

fuck my stomach’s clenching up again oh god

artillery what the fuck

aradia okay

WWWWHAT THE FUCK SIXTEEN YEAR OLD JADE WHAT

JADE FROM THE BLACK HOLE GOT SPIT OUT HERE OR

OKAY WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON HERE BLACK EYES AND SHE’S A MURDER MACHINE OKAY WHAT

WHAT IS ALL THIS BULLSHIT WHY IS AN ANGSTY DARKJADE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE ALTCALLIE CONTROLLED DOING FLASHY BULLSHIT

“no being has ever commanded before” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEA-- OH SHIT IS IT LIKE BLACK HOLE ABILITIES

LIKE, FUCKING, BLACK HOLE INSTEAD OF THE GREEN SUN ABILITIES NOW TIED TO HER AND SHES BEEN CONTROLLED BY ALT!CALLIE LONG ENOUGH TO GET HERE OR WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO JADE YOU FUCKING STORY GET OUT OF HERE

davebot.  why a davebot?  davebot.

I’m feeling fucking sick.  Okay what’s about to happen.

Okay so this Dave is like from some other timeline split and got botsaved or something sure whatever

okay some of the others are going off into this... “OTHER UNIVERSE???” too???? or other paradox space or some fucking bullshit???

also scrolling up i missed “Jade was sixteen years old when she showed up, and she doesn’t look a day older now, though many hundreds of days have passed” o kay are these ghosts???

Oh FUCK I CAN BREATHE

i can breathe again

fuck, these are like

im guessing these are... other ghosts or former-ghosts or basically everyone that huddled into the black hole, and aradias there because of course or something, this isnt dirk having won and reached his place or whatever

this is the jade alt who fell into the black hole and must have died hence her perpetually-young look, and now that shes in the black hole she has access to black hole powers

REAL JADE is FUCKING FINE

breathe boots breathe god damnit

okay reading, uh

a-all the action that matters f fuck i dsee the end of the page what thej fuck s how oculd it enduhyere kanaya has an enddless chase for her ff-fucking wife or while she’s being mind-raped by dirk orasdf jklfdk adn dshes gonan be in a stupdi metal body or

im really

really gonna need that candy after this

reading that last few paragraphs SHIT

yeah aradias going to go where all the exciting shit is happening in this new... black... hole... adox space or whatever, or wherever this is or

Where the hole gaped just moments ago, there now exists an imaginary line.

Above this line resides all that matters. Below exists all else. Never again the twain shall meet.

And... that’s the final line between Canon and Non-Canon.  Or whatever terms.

Andrew’s done.  The story’s done.  Everything else about their journey is for the imagination alone.  Did they save Rose from Dirk taking her through a portal or whatever to whichever Dirkverse he was conjuring up or whatever theory bullshit i REALLY DONT WANT TO THINK OF OR THEORIZE ABOUT EVEN EVER about what the fuck dirk was trying to pull with all this SHHHHITT!!!!!!!??//?

I... christ.  I need that Candy section.  And I need a drink.  Fuck this I was gonna break for dinner but I’m continuing once I get a beer.  I’m sweating and unhappy.  Like I should be after eating this many pages of raw meat, shouldn’t I?

Next post will be Candy 1 once I confirm that there’s nothing else I’m missing, no other part of this portion to save me from wanting to vomit in an entirely anxious and non-beer-related way.

Fuck.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

hi!ive been with my gf for just over a month but I have strong feelings for her, however I don't know how to balance myself so im not always the one going above and beyond for others, i gotta think about myself too cause I don't want things to fall into dynamics I've had in the past. Nonetheless she's currently going through a bit of a rough patch and maybe she does need a little extra attention and someone to check up on her? How do I do this but also mainly focus on myself -🖤

This is hard, and I'm going to be perfectly honest, while I'm usually confident in the advice I give, I'm going to be very biased on this one, and you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. I am a people-pleaser. It's in my blood. I want to help people regardless of circumstance, and I have a strong tendency - just like you seem to have - to put myself before others, even to my own detriment.

It's good that you're aware that your tendencies here are to do this thing. Often times people aren't even aware they're putting themself out for someone else. So it's good you have the self-analytical prowess to see that in yourself. While this may be a fault for people like us, just remember that this is a good problem to have! It means that we do help people, and that we are kind. That's awesome!

However, where is the limit in this particular circumstance? That's a good question. You mentioned that she's going through a "rough patch," but didn't explain any more. What you might determine as a rough patch may be very different from what I would call a rough patch. And this is your partner; you're not their therapist, and your life shouldn't revolve around them. But it is nice to support them in their time of need, if you can.

The big play here is to only offer as much as you actually have. Don't go TOO FAR beyond your means to take care of them. And furthermore, LET THEM KNOW. "Listen, I care about you and want to help you through this. But please understand, sometimes I'll need to take care of myself too, and may not always be there for you." Letting them know upfront is an important way to lower their expectations to something more realistic.

But that doesn't really address the fundamental issue there. And again, I'm biased. But here are a variety of patented tips and tricks that I use in my own life to dictate myself on how not to over-invest in someone else. Your mileage may vary with this, because every situation is different, but here you go.

Be careful with your money. Money is a renewable resource so long as you have a job. But your finances are yours, and you should generally try to keep it that way. This goes double if your income is not fantastic. If someone you're close to is in a position where they need money, make sure to set hard limits for yourself on how much you're willing to give. Me personally, assuming I had plenty of money to spare, I would never commit more than $100-$150 into someone, even some of my closest friends. It's great to love people, but we're all in this dog-eat-dog world together, and you need to be perfectly comfy in your finances before you commit to spending on other people.

Your time is precious. Time is NOT a renewable resource. We only have one life, so we gotta make it count. What that means in this respect is, all of your time should not fixate on this one person. It might feel natural to do this, especially if you're in a relationship with someone. But make sure that you actively make time for yourself, your friends, your hobbies, and your interest OUTSIDE of your relationship or someone who needs your support. If you constrict yourself to never doing things that matter to you because the person you're supporting always needs you for something, that's leaning toward a toxic relationship. You matter too, so make sure you make yourself matter by investing the appropriate amount of time into yourself.

Hours of viable support. Again, there's only so much time in the day. That means that you need to be able to spend your time wisely to handle the issues that matter to you. What that also means is you need to set clear boundaries on when it is appropriate and not appropriate for someone in need to contact you. For instance, my rule personally is, my DMs and texts are always open, any time of day, and if I don't respond, it's because I'm asleep and will handle things when I'm awake. That leaves me open to supporting people for a huge portion of my day, but it also has the strict rule of saying, "When I'm not available, I refuse to help you." Again, it's good to support people. But if people need constant support, then they need other people in their life who can share the burden with you. You can't be their one-stop shop for support.

Limits on the trouble. Everyone has different issues they need help with. But we also need to respect our own boundaries. Make sure that you enforce those boundaries if applicable given the trouble that someone is going through. For instance, is someone is being abused by their romantic partner or parents, and YOU are someone who struggles with abuse, you can certainly try to support them, but you also need to make sure that it doesn't traumatize you in a way that will negatively impact your self-being. Make sure you make those boundaries clear, because it's not that you don't care, but sometimes the your personal experiences and their personal situation may influence what you're actually able to handle in any given situation. Same goes for experiences. If someone is struggling with legal trouble, for instance, and you have ZERO experience with legal trouble, you can support them til the cows come home, but you can only do so much with something you know nothing about. Let them know you have your limits.

Ask what they need. One thing many people forget in situations where they're helping someone out is, at the end of the day, there needs to be a goal to support. Even if that goal is just letting your friend vent their feelings, then that's the goal. If you're engaging with someone who needs your help, simply ask what they need. "What can I do to help?" It's a courteous thing to do, and they may not even know. But setting that boundary there, so you KNOW how to help if there's a way to, can help you know when the goal has been accomplished in the short-term. And it also lets you know when aiding them might stretch you too thin. For instance, if they say, "I just need someone to talk and cry to for a little while," that's valid. But if they say something like, "I need you. I NEED YOU!" that is more vague, and not something you can do permanently. If you get into a situation like that, you need to gently remind them of your limits. "I understand you need me, but I can only offer so much. If there's anything I can do that's reasonable, I'll do it.

REASONABLE. As just mentioned, there is only so much you can do. You can only provide so much reasonable, feasible support before it either goes so far out of the realm of possibility for you to help them, or otherwise, it's so far beyond your expertise and ability that you just actively can't help them. For instance, if you have a friend struggling with poverty, and if they don't get some money they can't feed themselves, you can lend them some money so that they can eat. But if this is a daily occurrence, and they're going to be starving every single day until something changes, you're not a bottomless pit of money (unless you are, which hey, wanna share?). You have to cut people off eventually. If you get to such a situation, just explain, "I want to help you, but I have to take care of myself too. Is there anything else I can do that will support you?"

Seek the experts. At the end of the day, NONE OF US can support people as much as an expert in the field can. And believe me, there's an expert for everything. Your friend or partner is struggling with psychological issues? Help them find a therapist. Someone is struggling with their finances? Help them find a financial advisory or get a job. Someone is struggling with abuse? Help find them an advocate, law enforcement officer, or otherwise other methods to keep them safe. You can't solve every problem, and you shouldn't be expected to. Find the people who can do a job better than you ever will be able to.

At the end of the day, as said, your mileage is going to vary with all of this. Every situation is different, and there is no way anything I say here can cover all the millions of different ways people need to support each other while getting through this life. All we can do is manage as best as we can, help people when we are able, and remember that as much as we can help people, we're important to and need to always be ready to take a step back if need be so that we can handle our own issues. Don't let your own problems pile up just because you're being nice and taking care of someone else.

[dcmhnallach]

demiboy — ever hear people say APOLLO AMORETTO looks a lot like NICK ROBINSON? I think THEY/HE is about 22, so it doesn’t really work. The GRAPHIC DESIGN major is a JUNIOR that is from LIVINGSTONE, VT. They can be ADROIT, but they can also be INDELICATE. I think APOLLO might be A TIER 2 SHEPHERD. They are living in KIERAN. ( snot goblin. 20. EST. she/they. )

ok so i lied and this is after midnight. sue me. his background is a lil inspired by logan from veronica mars so like, sue me 2x. dnjkfmgh but !! give this a LIKE so i can come MESSAGE U FOR PLOTS !!!

TRIGGER WARNING - DEATH, MURDER, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, GRIEF

a e s t h e t i c s

fingers across keyboards and piano keys, m&m’s scattered, vintage gaming consoles and tangled wires, worn vans and broken skateboards, banging of drums and splintering drumsticks, deep rhythms beating with your heart, the hum of a hefty computer and the buzz of a monitor, green text against black screens, unruly hair unkempt, flannels filling closets, bloody baseball bats, posters lining up and down walls, loud punk music shaking the walls, glares and whispers, the suffocation that comes with loneliness, pills rattling in their bottles, unmade beds.

general info !!

full name: apollo casimir amoretto

nickname(s): cas, polly, lover boy, 2000 (b/c of his screen names lmaoo)

b.o.d. - january 31st, aquarius boi

label(s): the escapist, the hellion, the insurgent, the netizen, etc. etc.

height: hitting 6′0″

hometown: livingstone, vt !

sexuality: bi bi bi bi bisexual

stats

pinterest

biography !!

cristian amoretto and camilla silvestri had a romance that could be described turbulent at best, and downright explosive at worst

cristian, a native italian actor whose career began before he could walk, and camilla, the daughter of two italian immigrants with big dreams in a small town, met on the set of a coffee shop. their love story began quickly, dating within only a few months of knowing each other and engaged before the year was up

camilla walked down the aisle 6 months pregnant with lil’ baby apollo, who was then born in livingstone, vermont, aka the town that camilla’s family had settled in

was raised primarily by his mother and grandparents! his father was often off shooting movies, leaving camilla to take on the role of stay-at-home mom despite her own dreams of making it big as an actress

apollo grew up as a huge momma’s boy – i mean, god, he just really loved this mother, y’know? his relationship with his father was much rockier because of his … lack of being around.

when his grandparents died around the age of eight, that’s when things got…worse. it felt as if camilla’s parents were the only barrier between camilla and cristian’s budding wrath.

it became more apparent that cristian was not meant for the family life, his anger quick and his fists quicker, stinging words and venomous glares. a control freak who couldn’t handle camilla being independent.

this wasn’t apparent to the neighbors, or much of the town in general, because the amorettos were such a prominent family up in their beach-side mini mansion – it was hard to imagine that their life was anything but exquisite and dreamlike.

this was, of course, up until camilla filed for divorce and a restraining order in the same day, face bruised and nearly unrecognizable. she, obviously, got custody of apollo.

at this point in time, apollo was fourteen and…pretty stoked for them to get away from his father. they holed up southside and life continued as normal. for the time being. gossip swarmed apollo at school surrounding the circumstance which was annoying, to say the least. it led to him becoming withdrawn from the other students, not getting the whole … gossip appeal.

in hindsight, they should’ve moved out of livingstone. death threats in the form of letters and the eerie feeling of eyes constantly being on them came to a halt on apollo’s graduation day: the day that his father also, coincidentally, murdered his mother.

for making me miss out on years of my son’s life, was cristian’s excuse as he was escorted from the bloody crime scene at their apartment and into the police car.

cristian was convicted and sent to prison almost a whole year after it occurred. apollo still has dreams about testifying in court against his father as a witness.

and then apollo became known not as the son of two celebrities, but the son of a murderer. total bummer !

could not tell you why he stayed in livingstone, but he did. almost dropped out of college a good few times ( he isn’t passionate about graphic design, it’s more of him wasting time than anything else ) and spends most of his time raiding on WoW or competitively playing overwatch :/

speaking of college ! apollo was kieran’s roommate and like ... a close friend of his. the death hit him pretty hard b/c of his past.

lives in kieran but lately has been switching between his dorm and his childhood home - it’s technically his dad’s but he hasn’t been to his mom’s apartment in years. the mansion has become run-down and pretty grody, a sore sight that pisses off the neighbors.

he does identify as demiboy but he cares abt his identity like ... so little ... 

personality !!

his main focuses are computers / video games, drums / his band, and like … skating … vaping … gamer things, y’know.

from a young age he’d always been very fascinated by video games, and being the Rich Boi ™ that he was, ended up with a whole lot of them to play, on a whole bunch of consoles.

but like … he’s a PC guy :/ he may have a super rare nintendo 64 or two but nothing can beat his dual-monitor set up with his hand-built computer !

he also got real into hacking, y’know, just small things like watching security cameras in different cities and occasionally changing his grades b/c like … who wouldn’t ? also … cheated in dark souls. fucking loser.

his favorite games to play are multiplayer games so !!

he joined a band in high school because he was angsty and young, and like, turned out to be really good on drums ?? they had like … some real big jimmy eat world / green day / say anything / old school fall out boy vibes. just a whole bunch of ‘fuck the government, fuck the authority, anarchy, rebellion, revolt revolt revolt’ angry rock music that got a buuunch of noise complaints during practice.

his role in the band is essentially the ~nerdy~ one, because he’s a gamer, but like he was also Edgy and Angry and wore all black like Constantly ( he still does who are we kidding )

probably paints his nails black and has a nose ring b/c gamers can be edgy too !!

huuuuuge junk food junkie. like … he will consume Everything and Anything unhealthy. has a huge sweet tooth, he can’t remember the last time he’s drank straight up water.

he’s pretty much a loner, minus his bandmates -- having a reputation like his really ... puts off others. wasn’t the friendliest person in high school either, which doesn’t help. kieran and him were kindred souls.

to be honest, he’s really selfish. thinks about himself first and foremost, considers it to be a method of surviving in a fuck-shit town with fuck-shit people. wouldn’t hesitate to toss people to the side if it were to ever come down to it. he’s not a faithful pal.

he’s ruthless, impulsive, does whatever he pleases because he assumes that everybody’s already got their opinion of him due to his father. hard to stop him when he’s on a rampage.

seething with rage on the inside. :/

uuhhh so he’s got this fucking…pomsky, right? her name is tulip. she was camilla’s before she passed away and like, what was apollo gonna do, huh ? put the dog in a shelter ? hell fucking nah. that’s his dog now. give that dog an emotional support animal certification and boom.

this isn’t like a Personality Trait but idk where to put it so ! apollo’s on antidepressants ( and other medications, but y’know. that’s just how it is ) b/c like … y’know … the whole dad-murdering-mom thing sort of fucked him up a lot ! they make him feel pretty blah and diminished his sex drive so like … hook ups aren’t really an option for him 99% of the time.

besides that he smokes a lot of weed b/c self medication.

he’s … sort of an asshole. like … he can be rude and he doesn’t have much of a filter and i don’t know if there’s any softness left to him ! he just really misses his mom and has a lot of wishes involving changing the past and he reacts badly to things because he’s so defensive and on edge constantly.

no but he’s just like. .. sad gamer boi … a man and his dog … who also carries like five knives on him.

like he’s not socially awkward or necessarily Bad with people .. he’s just bad with people :/ doesn’t try hard enough ! is a little too apathetic ! chaotic to true neutral

wanted connections !!

bandmates !! i’d envision that there’s four or five members including him. two electric guitar, one bass, one drums / keyboard ( that me -_- ) , anybody singing ... maybe a triangle player ! or a cowbell ! i dunno ! endless possibilities.

fans of the band mayb ?? try to seduce him so they can party w/ them after a show n apollo’s just like :/ nah ( or yah ! )

people he clashes with hardcore !! people who are one n the same.

uuhh ... big slut for enemies ! ppl he refuses to get along with or they’ve been on bad terms previously for whatever reason. :-)

alternately, people he’s trying really hard to get along with but it’s not working b/c he’s a shithead.

maybe an actual good, close friend or two !! y’know. so he’s not completely alone. 

people he’s fucked over previously by ditching them / being unreliable / messy / etc.

besides close friends, someone who’s soft towards him or vice versa. because as much as i love angst, i love the uwu too.

ex-flings, ex-fwbs, ex-hookups, etc. etc. ex-gfs/bfs. especially from high school.

people he’s known all his life ! childhood friends, childhood enemies, old rivals, etc.

people who like ... stayed away from him / distanced themselves after his dad’s arrest. :/

okay but like ... imagine, okay , some sort of high school romance where he used to sneak into their room / sneak them out, n then they’d like. go wild out. y’know like, parents Hate him.

ppl who end up on one of his benders / night time adventures / whatever chaotic shit w/ him.

a hook-up gone bad could b fun !

gaming pals. gaming enemies.

skater buds ! vaping buds ! stoner buds ! apollo owns like three juuls.

someone he’s good friends with ( maybe ?? potentially developing Feelings at the same time ) but apollo fucks up their friendship / possible Something because that’s just what he Does.

somebody who thought tht like ... his childhood home was just Abandoned and Empty so they started breaking in to like. get high or fuck or whatever and apollo just walks in one day like ... what are u doing.

someone who caught him dealing juul pods to middle schoolers and was like ... what are u doing. idiot.

idiot reckless buddy pals !! wreck shit together !! burn couches !! chaos !

literally i’ll take anything sdjnfkmgh

[the-beastslayers-queen]

A Dangerous Game: Chapter 5

Chapter 5 is hear. TRIGGER WARNING IS IN EFFECT: ABUSE AHEAD! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Tagging: @queenofthearchitect @biforbecky2belts @writtingrose @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk and @jeffhardyenigmawwefan If you wish to be tagged, please feel free to hit my inbox. Enjoy!

Seth walked in and he looked like hell. His hair was pulled back messily and his eyes looked so tired and worn out. He came over to my bed and sat down beside me and took my hand. I was surprised by his actions and his close proximity to me. I mean he wasn’t very kind to me before I went out on the heist with the guys and now he was here to see me in my injured state.

“Why did you come,” I asked him.

“Anderson called me from your phone,” he answered looking me in my eyes, “He told me you had been shot and that you wanted him to call me before you blacked out. He said that usually if something went wrong during a job, you’d have him call Finn, but not this time. Why me?”

“Because I didn’t want to die and you have regrets with me,” I guessed, “We weren’t on the best of terms and I wanted him to bury our hatchet so you could go on without me weighing on your conscious. Seeing as I’m very much alive, I thought you’d not bother coming to see me.”

“Hearing you got shot brought me to my senses,” he grabbed and held onto my left hand, “I’m ready to hear you out. I want to know why you didn’t tell who you were, Cat.”

“I didn’t tell you I was Finn’s sister because I wanted a chance to be just Cat,” I told him, “You made me feel important and my own person. I didn’t feel like I was the lesser of the two Bálor siblings and I wasn’t about to be sold off to McIntyre for the sake of peace in Orlando. So when you found out, I was hurt because I was going to tell you eventually that I was a Bálor, but I hesitated too long and it blew up in my face.”

“Now I want to know why you were so offended that I found pictures of you when you were younger,” he asked, “Why hide your past and hold it so close to your chest so to speak.”

“Finn and I made a promise to each other to keep our family back in Ireland a secret from everyone,” I answered, “Our legal names here is Bálor to keep them safe. The last thing we wanted when we started out was to put them in danger. But I have pictures of our family back in Ireland in my secure server to preserve them and keep them close. I also have security cameras set up in Ireland I use to check up on our parents to make sure they’re okay and safe. So when you found my pictures from high school, I got scared you’d find them too and try to hurt me by getting to them.”

“I didn’t get into your folder named ‘Bray’,” he replied, “That folder is the one with the pictures of your parents, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied, “There’s also pictures of our sister and brother too. Maybe one day I’ll show you their pictures once I know I can trust with my life. But Finn has to trust you too.”

“Cat, I’m not going anywhere this time, okay,” he scooted over closer to me and I watched as his eyes darted between my eyes and my lips, “And I’ll be damned if I let McIntyre marry you. I will do whatever it takes to have you as my bride. You’re the one I want.”

Before I could reply, Seth closed the distance between us and kissed me hard. I resisted at first for a split second before I returned his kiss with fervor. I wrapped my left arm over his shoulder, holding him against me as I felt his strong hands grab hold of my waist. Our lips danced together, molding to each other like they belonged together. His nose brushed against mine with a tenderness I could get used to. This man has me hooked now more than ever. When the need for oxygen became too great and my shoulder started to throb in pain, we broke apart, breathing heavily.

“Whoa,” I sighed before groaning in pain from my shoulder, “I could get used to that.”

“Good,” Seth smirked before kissing me again, “Because I’m hooked on you, Cat.”

“We just have to be careful,” I warned him, “We can’t let Finn or Drew know about us. I can’t stand the thought of you being taken from me.”

“Likewise,” he replied before placing a chaste kiss on my lips and then forehead, “I’m going to go find Anderson to have him give Finn a call before I leave. I’ll meet up with you once you get home.”

“How do you know where I live,” I asked.

“You’re not the only hacker in this relationship, Cat,” he replied with a smirk, “Oracle got me your address when I broke into your servers. I’ll work with you to boost your firewalls and your defender program once you’re feeling a little better, okay.”

Finn ended up coming to get me from Shawn’s place and got me settled into my apartment, propping me up on my couch. I was given some Tylenol 3s for my pain and to call Shawn if I get worse. Finn was messing around in my kitchen as I looked for something to watch on my TV.

“So you are to take it easy, Catie,” Finn called as he worked on fixing me something to eat, “Do you need me to hang out with you for the day to keep you distracted?”

“No that’s okay Finn,” I replied, “And don’t worry about coming to help me with dinner. I’ll just order something for delivery. You have a nightclub and Bálor Club to run today. I’ll be okay. I already talked with Tama over the phone on what needs to be done at Coup De Grace this week.”

“Okay,” Finn came into my living room with a grilled cheese sandwich for me and a mug of tea, “I made you some tea with honey to help you relax and your favorite lunch of grilled cheese. If you need anything from me, give me a call okay. Love you, deirfiúr.”

“Love you too, deartháir,” I replied as he kissed my cheek before leaving.

I waited about ten minutes after Finn left before I texted Seth. I couldn’t risk Finn seeing him coming to stay with me for the day. Not this early into our fling if this is what we have going on.

Cat: Hey coast is clear. Come on by. The door is open.

Seth: I’m on my way. Be there in 5.

Sure enough, Seth was in the door within five minutes. I admired that he was so fast to come be with me. He came over to the back of the couch and bent over to place a tender, chaste kiss on my lips before coming around to sit next to me on the arm of my couch, playing with my hair once he was settled on his perch.

“How are you feeling,” he asked as he continued to play with my hair.

“As well as I can after being shot,” I replied, “Finn made me some tea and a grilled cheese before he left to manage Bullet Club for the night.”

“Is he going to come back tonight,” he asked, “Because I have an overnight bag in my car to stay overnight to keep an eye on you.”

“He won’t back tomorrow,” I reassured him, “He has a Bálor Club meeting with the guys in the morning and has a meeting with Drew to go over the wedding plans. I’m skipping that meeting because I refuse to marry the Scotsman.”

“I’m still confused on why you chased after me when you knew you’d be getting engaged to him,” Seth asked as he moved me around gently so I could lean against him, “I mean I like this, but we could get killed if he catches us.”

“Finn would declare war if McIntyre gets violent with me,” I informed him, “And because I met you first and I felt a spark when we shook hands that night weeks ago. You’ve been on my mind for far too long to give up on the idea that I could be with you instead of him.”

“I can work with Hunter to get Finn to renegotiate a deal to have you marry me instead of McIntyre,” Seth offered, “We can say that McIntyre is unstable and needs to see his gang ended before he disrupts the peace our groups forged to keep the city safe.”

“Maybe,” I replied, “But Finn is very stubborn might not see reason like you and I. For now we’ll have to play it safe and meet in secret. It’s not ideal, but I’d rather have you to myself in secret instead of going without you.”

“I agree,” Seth nodded and kissed me again, “Now what should we get for delivery later?”

I woke up the next morning to find Seth still sound asleep next to me. Last night I fell asleep in his arms as we watched some movies on Netflix after we ate dinner we had delivered. Seth must have put me to bed before getting himself to bed. I reached across as best as I could, staying on my back and using my left arm to try to brush his hair out of his face. This woke him up despite my best efforts not too.

“Morning,” he greeted me, sleep still weighing heavily on his voice, “Did you sleep alright? I brought you up here so you could be more comfortable.”

“Yeah I slept as fine as I could with my messed up shoulder,” I replied, “Are you heading back to your place after breakfast? Maybe I can see if I have enough energy to go out today and stretch my legs with a nice walk.”

“Yeah I have business to handle for Hunter,” he replied, “But I can try to come back tonight if you’re going to be here alone.”

“I’ll keep you posted okay,” I replied before I pulled him closer to me with my good arm before kissing him, “Have I mentioned how much I enjoy kissing you?”

“No,” he chuckled lightly, “But you could enlighten me.”

“I enjoy it so much,” I giggled and kissed him again, “Now how about breakfast?”

Man I am bored, stuck sitting at home due to my right shoulder. I spent my time working on my laptop on writing some code of a new drone I want to try to build that I could use on future heists to use as a signal booster to crack systems from a greater distance so I can be further away. That way I can avoid getting put into the line of fire again.

I was pulled out of my work by a knock at my door. I struggled to get up from my desk and padded my way over to the door. I peeked through my peep hole to find Drew, Baron, and Dolph standing at my door. I rolled my eyes before I opened the door for the trio.

“Drew,” I greeted him with my most convincing fake smile I could manage, “I’m surprised you came by. I wasn’t expecting you.”

“I thought I would come visit my apartment bound fiancée since she got shot,” he replied, laying on the charm heavily, “How has your shoulder been treatin’ ya, lass?”

“It hurts,” I replied simply, “But Michaels got me pain killers to help.”

“That’s good to hear, Cat,” Baron replied as he and Dolph followed Drew over to the couch, “So have you been working on anything in your free time since you can’t work for Finn?”

“I’m designing a drone that I can use on heists so I can hide away from the target and not be so close to crack into security systems,” I replied, “But it’s just diagrams and some pieces of the code to operate it.”

“Sounds boring,” Baron yawned.

“Only to a lug like you,” I quipped at him.

“No it does sound boring,” Dolph agreed.

“Why do I bother,” I groaned and sat down at my desk, “My genius is wasted between you two.”

“And I have to put up with them all day,” Drew chuckled as he came over to stand by me.

That was when he kissed me way too hard. I groaned and tried to push him off of me. I did not want him to kiss me at all. After everything I had done to get Seth back, I was not about to let Drew gain ground with me and think I was going to stay with him. Once he got the message, he got off of me and I glared at him.

“I did not ask you to kiss me,” I growled at him, “Don’t do that again.”

And that was when I felt his fist make contact with my face. He nailed me right in my right eye. I knew it was hard enough to leave me with a nasty shiner and a migraine for sure, but not strong enough to concuss me or break the orbital bone by my eye.

“You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do, bitch,” he yelled as he grabbed me by my throat, just tight enough to make me struggle to breathe.

I got out of my chair and broke his hold on my throat. I then grabbed my pistol I kept on the underside of my desk and I aimed it at the three of them.

“Get out of my apartment,” I ordered the trio before I disengaged the safety, “Now before I shoot all three of you with warning shots. Now move!”

Drew and his cronies took my warning and left. Once my apartment door was closed I ran over and locked it. I re-engaged the safety before I slammed my back against the door before sliding down it to the floor and began to cry in pain from the hard punch Drew planted on my face. I struggled to get back to my feet before I called Seth. I was going to text Finn later to have him come over.

“Seth,” I hiccupped once I heard him pick up his phone.

“Cat,” he sounded so concerned and worried for me, “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“It was Drew,” I tried to catch my breath as I kept crying, “He was here. I don’t feel safe. Can you come here?”

“Yeah I’ll be right over,” he took a deep breath, “I still have the copy of your key you gave me so keep your door locked until I get there.”

I was up on my bed, my pistol still near me as I heard my front doorknob jiggle and the sound of a key turning in the lock. I shot up from my bed and brought up my gun in paranoia, but dropped it the instant I saw Seth walk inside. I began to cry in earnest as Seth came running up the stairs to my bedroom and he took my pistol from my hands before pulling me to his chest.

“What did he do,” Seth sounded absolutely pissed.

“H-he kissed me against my will,” I hiccupped as I buried my face into his chest as I held onto him, “And I p-push him away. Then he…”

“What did he do,” Seth pulled me back by my arms and he saw my nasty black eye, “I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill him.”

“Seth don’t,” I grabbed onto him tightly with my good arm, “Don’t start a war over me, please.”

“No one should lay hands on a woman,” he snarled in frustration, “You didn’t deserve to be hit like this. I want to end him so bad for touching my girl and leaving her with a black eye.”

“Your girl,” I asked him confused.

“Yeah,” he replied, “You’re my girl now. I’m not going to let Drew have you. If it takes all the breath from my lungs, I’m going to fight to take you away from the Scottish Psychopath. I’m going to work with Hunter to get Finn to go back on his deal with McIntyre so I can swoop in and take you for myself before declaring war on his damn gang.”

“I don’t think Finn will back out,” I told him, “But I’m sure once he sees my face he’ll consider it.”

“He better,” Seth warned, “Otherwise I’m running with you out of town and I’m going elope with you so Drew can’t take you away from me.”

“Seth,” I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, “Is breá liom tú, mo ailtire.”

“Was that Gaelic,” Seth asked, confused by what I said, “What does it mean?”

“It means,” I paused before I kissed him hard, “I love you, my architect.”