#once again literally me i fear
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I think now is the perfect time to drop my Thanos hcs, with the obvious warning that everything involved with his character will be mentioned.
—- Gender non conformist to a fault. Unnaturally dyed hair, painted nails, etc. Not to the point of wearing feminine clothing, but I wouldn’t but it past him if he were to use ‘they’ pronouns while speaking about his identity.
—- Learned English through interacting with people on Soundcloud. He prides himself on the fact that it didn’t take him long to learn the language, even with each potential hate comment he received.
—- Self—harms. Though it’s not necessarily visible in the short clip we see in the beginning of Squid Game 2 during the recruitment scene, I imagine he must have either cut himself somewhere convenient so as not to attract any unwanted attention from people.
—- Bisexual, with no preference for either gender. If he sees someone or something he likes, he’ll go for it, and it isn’t a big deal for him. This is implied heavily within the legitimate series but I see a lot of people assuming he cares for women more when I personally think he doesn’t give a fuck.
—- On that same note, he finds Min—su adorable. Constantly touching him, calling him his boy. If the opportunity were to arise he would have definitely taken the chance; dare I say he was on the path of doing so before he got caught slipping by the op </3.
—- Uses touch as his primary love language. Whether it be a pat on the shoulder or a full on embrace, he loves to touch those he cares about. This is also somewhat canon in regards to the series but I think it’s adorable and can’t stop thinking about it.
—- Only buys fruity vape flavors. As a nicotine fiend and vape enthusiast myself I can proudly say that he would be a huge fan of any sort of blue raspberry flavored vape. Absolutely addicted. Chiefing it nonstop.
—- Plagued with anxiety and depression/suicidal ideation to the point in which he uses drugs to combat it. Also canon to the series, but not a lot of people are willing to admit that he has legitimate issues of which he attempts to combat with being under the influence. After gaining some popularity within the rap scene, he would have gone down a slippery slope.
—- Introverted, despite what his intoxicated behavior may say about him. He gives off the impression of someone who hides behind the confidence and energy of whatever substance he’s currently in use of.
—- MAMA’S BOY. Wants to make his mother proud of him somehow and experiences immense guilt for not living up to her expectations of him, especially with the debt he had acquired.
—- Dropped out of school to commit to rapping as a full time profession. Regretted it immensely, despite his outwardly cocky behavior towards his career.
—- Absolutely despises himself, thus his tendency to use drugs as a distraction. Hates himself for not being able to do anything other than spiral into addiction.
#squid game#thanos squid game#choi su bong#i love him so much hes literally me#i always post while high so please forgive any mistakes#i understand him so well#once again literally me i fear
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this is not a ship post, but something that frustrates me a lot in fanon concerning Jason Todd that attempts to soften Jason's return to Gotham for the sake of found family domesticity or easy hurt/comfort or just sliding him into the Batfam sooner, is they all seem to fundamentally misunderstand Jason.
because there seem to be a lot of fandom popular concepts of Jason coming home much sooner and just not having his whole Under The Red Hood arc. which in theory is fine and i can see the want to simplify canon to make room for your lighthearted more fluff-leaning concepts. but in everyone without fail, the way they address the clown-shaped elephant in the room is by having some throwaway line that "oh Jason quietly kills the Joker and moves on".
when the Joker being dead or alive is not the *point*. if by some chance accident, the Joker had died prior to Jason's return, whether by ridiculous freak accident, getting whacked by a fellow villain, hell even someone actually doing so to avenge Jason, it *would not* satiate Jason's anger. because Jason's end goal in UtRH is not to simply kill the Joker: it is to make *Bruce* kill the Joker. Jason's anger is directed to the idea that to Jason, if Bruce truly loved Jason, he would've killed the Joker. that is love, for Jason. compromising your personal values for love and not letting someone go unavenged. when Jason was Robin, almost every angry or misguided thing he did was born of love. he wanted to kill/hurt Two-Face because he believed Dent killed his father. he was so angry at Felipe because an innocent woman was dead due to that man's actions. he wanted to save his mother in a situation he knew he shouldn't be in because he loved her. his anger, his violence, it is driven by love and feelings of righting wrongs. that is how he thinks wrongs *should* be righted. that is how you avenge and *love* someone.
because so long as Jason's return to Gotham doesn't end in Bruce killing the Joker (which, it never will bc Bruce is Bruce), Jason will never forgive Bruce. you cannot wave away the layers of hurt and complicated trauma by killing Joker offscreen. because Jason will still be angry that Bruce didn't avenge him. in his eyes, that means Bruce did not love him enough. he was not truly loved by Bruce the way he loved Bruce. bc Bruce was Jason's whole *world*. prior to being taken in, Dick and Tim, they had support systems. they had loved ones. they knew what stability and healthy family love looked like. Jason *didn't*. and that's not to say that Catherine Todd did not love him with her whole heart and thus he loved her, but it certainly wasn't a stable and safe support system for Jason to grow up in. Bruce was Jason's first real sense of a stable, healthy life. and so of course Jason poured everything into Bruce and loved Bruce so devoutly. Bruce was his world. like he says, if it had been Bruce, Jason would've stopped at nothing.
so his betrayal is rooted in that he was not avenged, not that Joker is alive. so long as the Joker does not die by Bruce's hands, it will never be enough for Jason. (in this era, at least.) notably, this is also why i don't think it would change a thing if Jason knew the whole "oh Bruce wanted to kill the Joker but Superman stopped him" tidbit that fanon has really latched onto as a way to pacify Jason's anger toward Bruce. Jason knowing that wouldn't change a thing, in my opinion. because Jason knows Bruce. and a tenant of Bruce's character is that he grapples with murder *every day*. the whole point is how *easy* it would be for him. he is a human weapon, trained by killers, trained to be deadly. he is the greatest strategist to exist. he knows he could kill someone and get away with it. *no* trace, no proof, nothing. and he knows he *wants* to. wants to kill the Joker, Joe Chill, anyone who's hurt him that viscerally.
but he *doesn't*. that's the point. Bruce wakes up every day with that question on his mind, and every day the answer is the same. Bruce's morality is not a decision he made in an alleyway when his parents died, it's a decision he continues to make every day and he *must* continue to make in order to remain who he is. Jason is quite familiar with the fact that Bruce grapples with this daily. i do not think it surprised nor fazed Jason to know that Bruce did *consider* killing the Joker. that he wanted to. maybe even planned to. but a consideration, a want, a plan, is just a thought. it's nothing substantial, and substance is everything to Jason. at the end of the day, Bruce didn't. he was talked down by *Clark* of all people with an excuse of diplomatic immunity, as if Jason and Bruce don't both know that Bruce could've *easily* found a way to make it look like an accident or some other loophole. because he's Batman. there's always a loophole. he always finds a way when he actually intends to. but he never actually intended to kill the Joker. so he didn't. and Jason would know that there was never an intent. it's an interesting piece of fodder to add to the nuance of Jason and Bruce, but honestly, i think it'd make Jason angrier to have that excuse thrown in his face. as if Bruce hasn't beaten Clark half a dozen times by now. it's a flimsy nonsense excuse that Jason would rip to shreds.
so while yes, i understand the wish for easy lighthearted fanfic that doesn't have to deal with the nuances of canon, i think that Jason's character will always be so deeply robbed and altered if you try to fix his thirst for vengeance with an off-page killing of Joker at Jason's hands. it was never the point. the point was that -in his own eyes- he wasn't loved enough for Bruce to make an acception. he realized that not even his *death* would come before Bruce's Mission. Jason truly believed that Bruce loved him and held him as the most important thing in the world, and now he has proof that Bruce didn't. because the Mission mattered more.
i'm not saying i have a solution to this conundrum if you're attempting to solve it for fanfic/fanon, nor am i even saying it's a bad thing it exists. i just think it becoming overwhelmingly common has led to misunderstandings surrounding Jason's motivations and feelings about this arc and it's an unsatisfying solution that only seeks to pacify Jason's rage and his trauma responses for the sake of found family-ification.
#necrotic festerings#jason todd#fandom meta#idk man this isn't too serious it's really just me noticing this becoming a dominate thing#also this post isn't a subtweet at literally anyone specifically#it's a commentary on a trend as a whole#so no one think i'm like. being shady pls.#and if you write jason killing the joker himself during this era that is okay and it's valid#i just don't want the fandom largely treating it as in character#but ooc fanfic is allowed to exist! that's valid yk!#also i once again wanna reiterate all of this is commentary on *this era*#this is a pre-flashpoint meta.#jason's realtionship to his trauma *wildly* changed in both new-52 and rebirth so yeah. he's at a point he's “moved on”#and either seeks to kill joker himself or seeks to just let go of the whole thing#depending on the arc#(but if i get into that then i get into my feelings on how jason has had no consistent characterization in the past decade. so.)#(that's a can of worms we're not opening here it will make some ppl mad and i'm not dealing with it.)#is this how i start writing serious character metas and not unhinged shippy ones. idk#i've got others in my head but#i fear the discourse#if the discourse on this post gets bad i will turn off replies and reblogs idc#this is me testing the waters. ig.#also if a single person tries to argue about tim not having a loving family i will bite you /lh#yes he did. the drakes make not have done the *best* job! i'm not arguing that.#but they loved him and he had a support system.
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I’ve mentioned this elsewhere but it feels relevant again in light of the most recent episode. Something that’s really fascinating to me about Orym’s grief in comparison to the rest of the hells’ grief is that his is the youngest/most fresh and because of that tends to be the most volatile when it is triggered (aside from FCG, who was two and obviously The Most volatile when triggered.)
As in: prior to the attack on Zephrah, Orym was leading a normal, happy, casual life! with family who loved him and still do! Grief was something that was inflicted upon him via Ludinus’ machinations, whereas with characters like Imogen or Ashton, grief has been the background tapestry of their entire lives. And I think that shows in how the rest of them are largely able to, if not see past completely (Imogen/Laudna/Chetney) then at least temper/direct their vitriol or grief (Ashton/Fearne/Chetney again) to where it is most effective. (There is a glaring reason, for example, that Imogen scolded Orym for the way he reacted to Liliana and not Ashton. Because Ashton’s anger was directed in a way that was ultimately protective of Imogen—most effective—and Orym’s was founded solely in his personal grief.)
He wants Imogen to have her mom and he wants Lilliana to be salvageable for Imogen because he loves Imogen. But his love for the people in his present actively and consistently tend to conflict with the love he has for the people in his past. They are in a constant battle and Orym—he cannot fathom losing either of them.
(Or, to that point, recognize that allowing empathy to take root in him for the enemy isn't losing one of them.)
It is deeply poignant, then, that Orym’s grief is symbolized by both a sword and shield. It is something he wields as a blade when he feels his philosophy being threatened by certain conversational threads (as he believes it is one of the only things he has left of Will and Derrig, and is therefore desperately clinging onto with both bloody hands even if it makes him, occasionally, a hypocrite), but also something he can use in defense of the people he presently loves—if that provocative, blade-grief side of him does not push them—or himself—away first.
(it won’t—he is as loved by the hells as he loves them. he just needs to—as laudna so beautifully said—say and hear it more often.)
#critical role#cr spoilers#bells hells#orym of the air ashari#cr meta#imogen temult#ashton greymoore#liliana temult#this is genuinely completely written in good faith as someone who loves orym#but is also about orym and so will inevitably end up being completely misconstrued and made into discourse. alas#I could talk about how Orym’s unwillingness to allow the hells to actually finish/come to a solid conclusion on Philosophy Talk#is directly connected to one of the largest criticisms of c3 (that they are constantly having these conversations)#all day. alas. engaging with orym’s flaws tends to make people upset#it is ESP prevelant when he walks off after exclaiming ‘they (vangaurd) are NOT right’#which was not only never said but wasn’t even what they were talking about#he even admits as much to imogen like ten minutes later! that he is incapable of viewing it objectively#which is 100% justifiable and understandable but simultaneously does not make his grief alone the most important perspective in the world#also bc i fear ppl will play semantics on my tags yes the line ‘i hope she’s right’ was said but it was from ASHTON#who does not believe they are at all and wasn’t saying they actively WERE right. orym just heard something to latch onto and ran with it#ultimately there is a reason orym only admitted that he was struggling when he had stepped away to talk to dorian#who has not been around and thusly has not changed once n orym's eyes#and it isn't that the hells never check in or care. they do. they have several times over#it is dishonest to say they haven't#the actual reason is that all of this is something He Is Aware Of. he doesn't mention it bc he KNOWS it's hypocritical and selfish#he says as much!#EXHALES. @ MY OWN BRAIN CAN WE THINK ABT MOG AGAIN. FYRA RAI EVEN. FOR ME.#posting this literally at 8 in the morning so I can get my thoughts out of my brain but also attempt to immediately make this post invisibl
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my dad when im explaining the general plot of dungeon meshi to him with focus on thistle and falin bc thats what me and my friend cosplayed as and he wanted to know what the whole deal was and i get to the part where I have to explain what ultimately happens to thistle and get incredibly choked up about it
#talkys#I GET SADDDDD.#i think the ''i just want to see his face again. face? whose face?'' is on par with mithruns ''what part of me are you eating?''#like it just hurts so bad#due to my own personal fears of death and forgetting things about loved ones who have passed#bc he Is dead...delgal is gone. something here sbout grief something here about obsession while trying to prevent tragedy and also once#it has struck and how i know it will render Me a perpetual child when it hits#the good thing is he did get to see him a final time. relieved of worry and duty. the only casualty and true tragedy. he's quite literally#just a baby :(
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reminder
#rewatched this sneak peek for the first time since i first saw it and ugh. UUUUGHHGGHHH.#it hurts me a lot I’m ngl….. like to see charlie be so critical of something pim likes#except this time it’s even more painful because it isn’t just that pim likes it he also thought charlie would like it too and he literally#took him out and did this just for him because he thought he’d like it. he thought charlie said something so he went out of his way to#organise something to show to him to make him happy. and also how like… expectant? charlie is acting in the clip#like the way he just kinda frowns at pim whenever one of the dudes says something particularly out there#and it’s like. dude what the fuck#ive Said it once i’ll say it again i think charlie needs to lose pim during an episode or something. itd humble him#i mean that KIND OF happened with the finale but look where they are in s2#as usual what i always say. absolutely no actual complaints. if anything i Love this because it’s very clearly like#im so excited for this particular episode because you can just TELL its gonna be such a good one for their relationship#like looking into it analysing it n stuff#literally anything with them together has me screaming and cryjing they’re one of my fav duos ever#ok my hands are shaking bye#smiling friends#💝#smiling friends spoilers#also this is just Such a cute clip. the way pim runs and how charlie slugs on close behind him looking all grumpy#and how happy he looks to be calling him his best friend… actually peak i fear this is the peak of the season (joke
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This is my formal plea to literally everyone that you STOP going out and buying tickets to Disney remakes and sequels. As someone who holds that studio very close to my heart for the magic they used to create, it genuinely blows my mind how they're still finding immense financial success with shitty reincarnations of their preexisting IP. Do people not understand? Hate alone will do nothing! The top people at Disney are suffocating their artists with corporate greed! The executives and the shareholders do not give a SHIT if people on letterboxd hate their movie. If it's making money in the box office, they will continue making garbage because it WORKS! Please get a fucking grip and support other animation studios or literally any new IP that Disney actually decides to take a chance on, because money speaks, and it's the only language these current money hungry cowards at Disney seem to understand! I know for a damn FACT Walt has been turning in his grave for the past ten to fifteen years and it makes the prior Disney obsessed child in me SICK!!!
#disney#moana 2#snow white remake#literally fuck this shit I hate this greedy ass company so damn much#firing their fucking 2d animation team bc they're unionized#hiring diverse cast just for the tokenization and then leaving them to deal with the backlash#leaving artistic decisions until the last fucking moment and changing things at the flip of a coin when shit gets rocky#i would actually rather pull out my own nail than watch the new snow white movie#I know it makes me sound insane#but there is something so innately evil about taking the most classic film in your company's history and bastardizing it#everything about it looks shit#the casting for the evil queen is awful the cgi looks shit the costuming is an eyesore the girlboss storyline is going to being grating#like genuinely I love the original snow white so deeply just as a work of art it is such a beautiful and important movie in cinema#and it's the last one I thought they would dare mess with and here we are#like just actually fuck them. luigi if you need another name...bob iger might be an option...#that is a joke please don't put me on a watchlist fbi#but seriously like go watch something else literally anything else#starve them of their precious profits until they make some good shit again#until they let creativity flourish like Walt once did#go watch the wild robot or something of that nature if u need a good animated film#disney is not the animation powerhouse anymore i fear
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does anyone remember "some nights" by fun.
(edit by @stabyou)
#i think i forgot to take my meds this morning and then i got 3 hours of sleep followed by 9 hours of work and the my period started </3#i fear i may have :3'd too close to the sun#a post#but literally what do i stand for. what do i stand for most nights..... i don't know......... anymoooorreeeee oh woah oh oh woah oh ohoh et#physically cannot stop listening to this song by putting my phone speaker right against my ear despite the fact that i once again have work#in the morning -_- but! at least tomorrow i can wake up at 5:15 instead of 4:15. so that's something#i guess.#it's only 4 hours but pray for me folks i also have 6 hours straight of rehearsals tomorrow a bit afterwards and. so much fucking reading.#tee hee#honey i am smooching your brain forever this image ingrained itself into my dna it's in every one of my cells <3
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I have a truly horrifying amount of Voyager gifsets in my drafts and yet I just keep. making. more. with no end in sight.
#the janeway/chakotay brainworms are back worse than ever i fear#('when will it end?' i ask myself. girl you literally control how long you spend in photoshop. these are choices you're making)#sorry to everyone who's followed me lately because of my lotr sets lol. that is/will always be my favorite story in the world#but i am once again fixating on the dumb space show
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this fic has turned kind of angsty tbh im so sorry everyone
#my stupid brain: what if added outing by the media to the background of this fluffy family fic? because im insane#only me i stg#(the eras tour part is FUN i promise you it's about reclaiming joy in public after the media outs them moreso than the outing itself)#(the outing happens pre fic they've been living with the aftermath for a little while)#also roys just very hard on himself and has had a very hard time of it in general i fear#anyway#fic: rjk eras tour#ted lasso#royjamiekeeley#my writing#it's also literally going to be 12k long im sorry i once again don't know how i got here.
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vash w this hairstyle is literally so cute.. .. wolfwood matchies or smt T__T
#litearlly dont talk 2 me i saw the knives panel again and smashed everuthing inmy room and set myself on fire#am i wrong 4 thinking that he shouldve had a little more time.am i wrong for thinking this guy.having lived in terrible fear#his whole life 4 what he thought could happen 2 him. to his brother. DID happen 2 his sister#should be able 2 experience some happiness and comfort for once#like yeah the guy killed hundreds of thousands SUREE ok.AND??? let the guy breathe a little#BAHAHA no i think i do still agree w the ultimate ending of him using the last of his energy 2 generate that apple tree#its sweet and i do like the sentiment it was just. Too.soon after it was literally right after#and im like coughing and hacking and wishing.that he and vash couldve spent those few months living (somewhat) peacefully#and secluded.before everything that happened#i guess there is a bittersweet tinge to knives dying before vash woke up / could say gbye but idk.i just grieve 4 this guy#even if a clean redemption isnt like#feasible in a sense U KNOW!!!!!!! but then again i dont think. satisfying endings have to be clean cut and perfect#like he doesnt have to be redeemed i think. not everyone needs Redemption as it exists in its current form#&& i do think that even after all he did.comma.he wasnt entirely wrong?like you cant rly blame him 4 rejecting coexistence#based on the way plants have historically been treated (assuming he also telepathized with exploited plants after the great fall)#though not to say that his decisions/methodology is right ykwim#and i know yeaa yeaa there was a lot of hypocrisy in how he used the other plants 2 amass power#ok this is literally getting too convoluted there r so many conditional aspects to this but long story short i do thnk he deserved.#a little something at the end;______; even if just 4 me to see art of them together post-final arc .#< me dragging my knuckles in the sand w open wounds or smth#sry vash post turned into knives sadblogging EHAHEHA but its like the nature of this^ guys life anyways LMAO#trigun spoilers#trigun maximum#trigun#vash
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i have a confession everyone. i am actually scared of caterpillars
#this came out of absolute nowhere but i just saw a video of caterpillars and got jump scared#i’m shaking in my boots#🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛#AHHHH#THEY’RE SO….#BIG AND ROUND AND HAVE GUTS THAT GO EVERYWHERE IF THEY’RE ACCIDENTALLY STEPPED ON OR EATEN BY A REPTILE#AND THEY’RE WIGGLE AROUND AND WRINKLY AND HAVE SO MANY LEGS#AND THEY HAVE WEIRD TEXTURESSS#AND THEIR EYEBALLS WIGGLE#OR SKMETHING#I SAW A SPECIFIC CATERPILLAR ONCE AS A KID AND IT FUCKING SCARRED ME#just looked up brown caterpillar with eyes and got jumpscared again oh shit oh fuck it’s so fucking gross and scary#anyway it’s called eastern tiger swallowtail caterpillars#specifically the brown ones because that’s the one i saw as a kid#and they do this weird defense mechanism by trying to mimic snakes by sticking out a disgusting orange thing from their face and wiggling#their head back and forth and it’s fucking scary it genuinely scares the shit out of me#so i guess their defense works LOLL#BUT EWWW SORRY FOR BEING HATEFUL TOWARDS CATERPILLARS BUT THEY ARE THE ONE (1) INSECT I CANNOT BE ANYWHERE NEAR#I LIKE SPIDERS! I LOVE TARANCHULAS AND OTHER BUGS#but caterpillars… it sounds like a shitpost but i’m being serious. i literally have no other fears besides needles and caterpillars#just had to get this out there
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Sigh i hate being on yt
#vent#I said i was gonna make a 4k sub special. But quite frankly i get get myself to work on it#Im not fixated on sprunki as much. I still like it but my motivation is gone#My adhd has been rlly bad recently and im bouncing around like crazy#I never expected to get 4 thousand ppl to follow me. That's so many ppl#I missed when ppl didn't expect so much from me. I missed when ppl were ok with me only making an animation like. Once every 3 weeks at most#Missed when i didn't have so many eyes on me. This is so stressful#'dw im still working on the 4k subscriber special!' a fucking lie#Cuz i don't want ppl to hates me. I don't want to loose fans. And im pretty sure nobody cares ant sprunki anymore so i don't think its gonna#Get any attention anyways#Holds my head#I hate yt i hate what it's done to me. I wish i could go back in time and stop myself from uploading that stupid twiddlefinger animation#I HATE IT HERE IM SO TIRED. I.M LITERALLY JUST SOME GUY WHO LIKES TO ANIMATE. IM NOT UR ENTERTAINER#How do ppl deal with this. I hate it. I hate it i hate it i hate it. I would delete my channel if i didn't have a petrifying fear of#Having something of mine being lost media#I love all those who truly love my work. But those who expect me to upload stuff that they only like forever and ever is less than the#Number of genuine fans. I can't keep doing this. I might need a break again. Im spiraling again#Im sorry. Im so tired. I rlly am. I missed whenever i only had 600 subs.#Sigh. Ok im done#text#text post
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We should normalize bringing these sort of "small talk ideas" cards to meetings with other people so that it's possible to avoid the awkwardness of not knowing what to talk about to kick things off or if it's considered normal to talk about this specific thing and AUGHGHFCG all this stuff.
#i don't know what these cards are actually called. but what i mean by this is that well. ok let me tell you the whole story#which is that in my attempts to become more normal and functional i started attending these 'social skills exercise' group meetings#and at our first meeting instead of subjecting us to the awkwardness of introducing ourselves one by one#the group moderator prepared these cards with questions that we would take and answer in turns#and then invite all the others to contribute a bit as well. and that part was also not as scary as i feared it would be#some of the questions were kind of not very good interesting questions but still it didn't matter that much#because i am once again being proven that as long as the conversation is about something specific#it's really not that much of a problem for me to contribute like how when i had these zoom meetings with people#that discussed my interships back in my two final semesters of uni of course at first i was super stressed. BUT once the meeting started#and it came to the actual talking? it was no problem at all suddenly like wow sometimes i actually can talk to people#but yeah the 'what do i talk about' is the problem. and another realization i had here is that i'n in fact naturally predisposed to rambling#because i rambled a lot during this meeting i feel like and i think i'm already starting to vibe with one girl from my group in particular#yet my biggest problem most of the time is not saying anything at all in most situations. because of. the masking#it's literally such a big thing to overcome i've been having such huge realizations about this. but yeah anyway#i already had the opportunity to mention sparks lol. bcs one question was to tell the others about a movie#that left a huge impact on you and well why would i lie about this and not talk about TSB and my tendency to become obsessed with old bands#another observation is that when you put 4 socially awkward people in one room the result will be that it will feel very akward#to no suprise of course. but also there is something relieving about not being THE ONLY awkward one in a group you know#but well yeah all in all. man the mysteries of human communication. maybe i'll get it all one day#goosepost
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got a sudden jolt of pain from my stomach to my chest but it made my guts not hurt for a moment? win?
#i am shaking though. in fear and terror and horror#i dont want to go to a doctor again just to be told that im fine and this is just a severe anxiety reaction :(#which it definitely is because like. the stomach pain isnt even a pain. im just aware that i have insides#my chest doesnt hurt anymore either. so its like. its literally just me stressing myself sick over??????? fuck if i know what#its happened before like half a year ago i had to go home early once because of how bad i was feeling#god if i end up waking up through the night shaking uncontrollably again i think ill actually lose my mind#ehhh sorry gang. im a yapper and a worrier it seems
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after SO many years of making myself the butt of the joke for not knowing anything, it’s overwhelmingly joyful to finally, truly open myself up to learning
#it’s just !!!!!!!!#i’m VERY excited for this year!!#i’m excited for all of it and i’m excited for what lies beyond#because like. Yeah - it’s gonna be awesome in its own right - it already has been#but also - once the baseline of knowledge is there - the options will be limitless#because next year is a WHOLE nother year! i can do this AGAIN but with even MORE stuff!!!!!#all informed by what i’ve already experienced!#how fucking cool is that!!#i’m just tired of existing in self-imposed limitations for no reason whatsoever#if i don’t know about a topic that i’m interested in - WHY????#it literally could not be easier to find information#it is within my power to read and watch and see and eat nearly ANYTHING i want#and i’m gonna do it!#nobody can stop me#no more hesitation - no more fear - no more shame#just me#and my quest to learn how to live as well as i can#fuck man… life is GOOD!
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really fun letting all of my favorite shows take turns being the "i can't think about it i can't think about it i can't think about it!!" bingewatch during finals season/associated crunch times. they're being inducted into a society
#so i watched s1 of the funny ballet show. AGAIN like i think this has literally happened in this context before#'oh man i have so much to do for today and i can't skip woahh' (watches 4.3 hours of ducky content)#not the only unproductive thing i did this weekend. there were several#anyway gonna keep this brief for obvious reasons but gahhh i love the funny ballet show#idk how i keep forgetting how cute ahiru is. like her slapstick in the first few eps is way more prominent#and i just like it!!!! shes a silly goose!!!!!!!(duck) and i like her very much she's great#rue's stepping into kraehe's shoes (literally) For Real On Purpose stemming from wanting things to stay the same forever. aughh#like mytho's her one escape from it all he's the one thing/person she feels safe with#and to stick to something stagnant and loveless just so she can have someone to project those feelings onto who won't leave is. gahhhh#i also always forget how much i love rue like. YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY#i wish mytho changed more with each shard but it's always fun to see how the prev episode's shard affects the next when it happens#which is decently often#early fakir's comedically evil toxic bf thing is still shocking to me. they turn him around so fast and it starts when mytho regains fear#imo. once mytho can Undeniably Suffer the negative effects of fakir's treatment he can't quite bring himself to do it#fakir resorting to these awful authoritarian abusive ways of keeping mytho under his control bc he's desperate and scared and overwhelmed#is like. augh hes so interesting to me. night and day swap though it's crazy how much work those like 4 episodes before akt 12 do for him#anyway. i love it it's great it's always great. comfort show indeed + i gotta get back to work now + bye#no but fakir doubles and quadruples down on never budging on his treatment of mytho bc again hes scared but also i think it's a little like#he suppresses all his feelings so he doesn't lose control over mytho and justifies it with mytho's lack of feeling#when he tells mytho to forget about it and that emotions are useless and stupid he's talking to himself too y'know#i think there's a squishy sentimental part of him he tried very hard to crush out of himself to better protect mytho (from himself + tutu#+ the raven etc) and once it's clear (though not immediately) that mytho has feeling and a will to regain his heart he starts helping him#he embodies warped devotion and loyalty as much as rue and similarly to tutu. fakir and rue devalue their own and mytho's feelings#while ahiru only devalues her own. her brand of self sacrifice is something to be challenged and overcome in the same way#but shes able to start all this because she cares about what mytho's feelings Would/Could be > what they currently are (nothing)#ANYWAY. good show. i forgot about the greenscreened in/obvious live action effect fire/fog in a couple episodes that was funny
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