#on a diet and ive been really hungry lately

[lordfreg]

Hi sillies, how are you?

》 it's dangerous to go alone. take this.

A / N ; HIIIII sorry this is late I'm dealing with stuff. I'm still drawing and business, but I'm not doing so well health-wise. still need to ho to the doctor but I don't have access to good medical help at the moment, another reason I'd like to open commissions and junk

[aanabear2803]

hi i've seen your posts about body weight and I as a fat girl, was wondering if you are open to talk about it or give advice about it

I have been struggling real bad with it lately, I thought I was ok and had been for a few years, turns out I hate my body so much and you seem so confident, you got any advice? would you be open to talk about it in dm's?

feel free to ignore this if it's uncomfortable tho

Hi :3 um... so. I struggle with my own body weight a lot. I wont really talk about the bad thoughts that lurk about.

Ive been overweight since I was a wee lad. It especially hurts when my meds make me constantly hungry. Like I am always fucking hungry. So I just snacked the day away without any thoughts of consequences. I still eat these meds to this day. I am still as hungry as ever.

Id say I wont have very awesome advice? Because what I would normally do when those bad thoughts do happen is... post nudes on my kinky tumblr? Which, you know I dont expect others to do. Im sure there are healthier ways to express yourself than to go on tumblr and do shit like being half naked. However there are tons of gorgous women who dress in lingerie and post on tumblr all the time. You kinda just need to know where to look.

Ive also been trying to loose weight. But its more for a health thing since Im close to being diabetic and Im super duper not down for that myself. Im already tired of the meds Ive eaten I dont want to have to subject myself to stabs of insulin.

Im not on a fad diet of any kind. Im just eating 1200kcal a day watching as my weight slowly goes down~ I calculate all of this stuff too.

There's also the difference in how being fat and being unhealthy are wildly different. There's also that thing on how genetics have a say in the weight a person can be. But that is not my expertize at all! But you can be more than welcomed to go search and read up on those.

Ive been more open to exposing my skin a little at a time? Like wearing a bikini while in the pool when Im exercising. Ive been very recently trying to get corsets to work out too! Altho whether you like it or not there will be stares from people. But I would say start from the clothes, buy stuff you think would make you strut a runway. Dont just buy tshirts and pants and call it a day. Find a top in your size and fucking go for it. (Altho I understand many curvy people will not be able to find it cheap and Im just saying if you are desperate for the cash.... you can try Shein. Which I understand many Americans are banning and all the problems with fast fashion into overproduction but they do have many plus size clothes that most store dont normally have for people like us so you know its entirely up to you! But I was close to tears when I bought something and it just.... fits you know? Just dont go all out and buy their entire stock. I buy 5XL on there and dont worry about the number being so high, its probably based around the chinese style with their insane standards)

But hey look, people are going to judge no matter what ok? They always will. They will always find a way to trash talk. Its hard to ignore them, I get it. But theyre not you. They dont know if youre trying to loose weight or whether the food youre eating is a reward for having done a week of gym. Id honestly just say the fries are delicious and they should try it and we move on with our day. Its like online haters, you dont waste an hour of your life justifying things to them, so you have no reason to need to justify things to irl people.

I do hope this helps a little? I dont mind dms if you have any other questions of course :3

[darkhuesillo]

i think the hardest thing for me will be not eating my mom’s food and going on dinner dates with my bf. I absolutely love my mom’s cooking (yes i still live with my parents) and mexican food is really high in fat and calories. Right now the way ive been avoiding it is saying i had a late lunch at work or i take the food in my room and then throw it out when shes out of the kitchen. I just feel so guilty doing that bc she works so hard making this meal and i hate being wasteful.

So with my bf we dont always go on dinner dates but when we go somewhere (ex. shopping, casino, other date activities) we will get something to eat. My current plan to avoid eating is saying i ate at home or i’ll just get a diet coke (maybe a small salad). The problem is he knows i’m not like that. Last night we went to the movies. I took a nap right when i got home from work and i avoided dinner at home. When he picked me up he asked me if i was hungry and i told him i ate at home. When we got to the movies he asked me if i was sure i didnt want anything so i just got a diet coke. While we were waiting for the movie to start he asked me what did i eat at home but the way he looked at me i felt like he knew i was lying. I wanted to claw at my skin when i lied and said i had a piece of chicken that my mom made.

Im scared that my mom and bf will catch on pretty fast so i’m trying to figure out a way they wont notice. I’m not really scared of my bf finding out bc he’s also trying to lose weight and he has expressed in the past he doesnt like bigger people. I just dont want my mom to know bc i’m not sure how she will react. I’m a grown woman with a job so i feel like she can’t really do/say something to me but idkk

[threepointseven]

Periwinkle Glaze lilies

🌺summary!🌺- catching him touching another woman that looks too much like her. are you really just guizhongs replacement..?

Type- Fic 🌻

Flowers included!🌼=zhongli x fem!reader

Note🍀=ik no ones gonna read this since no one liked zhongli content if its not nsfw but whatever tbh😭 ive been having major burn out and i loved writing this, if ur actually gonna read this i recommend listening to sad music

🥀Flower toxins!🥀- cheating, slightly suggestive, self deprecation of your body, subtle hints of starving/excessive diets, extremely angsty!!

Genshin masterlist

You bask in the scent of the herbal green tea that your lover bought as you walk toward his tall, sleek figure. Zhongli was a kind man. Always loving, never aggressive, and most importantly seemingly loyal.

“Li, it’s like 6 am, how do you get up so early for the sake of making tea??” You chuckle at your lover before enveloping him in your arms. Zhongli was warm, never cold.

“Ah, it seems like you're up my dear.” he hugs you back smiling and nuzzling into your neck, it was a peaceful friday morning. No interrupting noise besides the soft flow and falling of Liyue’s autumn leaves.

6 am in the morning on a friday, you see yet again, another obvious hickey and a puny attempt at a cover up with foundation that was most definitely not yours. But even after the weeks you’ve known you refused to confront him. Why ruin the relationship you have now? Even if its just pretend, if you pay no bother to the fact he’s been cheating on you for weeks now he’ll stay, right?

Ignore it Y/N.

Is what you've been telling yourself this entire time. You feel ever so safe in his arms, the lies feel too true up close.

“You came home so late last night.. Did Hu tao make you do overtime?”

“A-ah yes… that girl piled all her work on me and it kept me busy….” Zhongli releases you from the hug, stuttering and pulling his collar up to hide the foundation hidden hickey.

What a pathetic lie, if you're going to cheat on me at least let the excuses be good..

Knowing if he continued to cheat on you and leave it out in the open, the dam would break. Zhongli is a gentle, caring lover, but the way he’s been acting lately betrays that claim. His temper shortens by the day and he uses most of his time without you staring at a potted glaze Lily in his room.

“This glaze Lily is special, its from a woman who is very dear to me, her name is Guizhong.”

He’s never held back on smothering Guizhong, his first love. You’ve never seen a day go by without your dear lover complimenting the woman or comparing you to her.

Your 2 year anniversary was today, 2 whole years and half of it your lover used it to cheat on you and hook up with other women. But you’ll ignore it, you’ll ignore his pathetic hickey cover ups and the amount of ‘overtime’ he does nowadays. For what reason? Not even you know why.

“Li! We need to hurry up, our reservation is at 7:30!” Li, a nickname you grew accustomed to using as you rush to your date at this new, fancy, liyue restaurant. From what people see, you and Zhongli are a picture perfect couple, arguments scarce, love is somehow always in the air and you two have always been seen as a mature couple.

But it's only what they see.

“You look beautiful tonight Y/N… You look just like her..” he mumbles the last part while he smiles at you, caressing your cheek as you give him the most lovestruck face you could muster even though you were near your breaking point. You knew what he meant by ‘her’. You hate the idea of jealousy, a selfish emotion that controls other people but how could you not complain when the man you thought of as your homeland is still in love with the woman he met amongst the glaze lilies?

You looked at the food on your plate blankly, poking it with your fork.

“You havent been eating lately.”

“Sorry, i havent been as hungry.”

“Well if this is a diet my dear, you’ve been looking much healthier. “

A diet? Healthier? Im doing this for him, he is the one i want but the one he wants is guizhong.

I have to look like her if i want to have any chance of winning him over.. right?

Your hands tremble before excusing yourself to the bathroom. The moment your in there you weep, staring at yourself in the mirror.

Guizhong… i have to look like guizhong, act like Guizhong…

Why wont that filthy woman leave me alone?!

….

What have i been doing?

Your mind flashes back to the past, the moment you realized he was still inlove with her. Yet even when you found out he still adored her romantically you stayed with him. Clung to him more, tried acting more mature, and started eating less to attempt looking like her.

So frail, so skinny. Through the mirror you no longer looked like yourself but the woman you tried to impersonate for this man’s love.

You stare at yourself in the slightly cracked bathroom mirror, tears running down your face as all you can see is Guizhongs replacement.

Why have i been changing myself to be her? What am i doing. There’s no way in hell i love zhongli enough to change my entire being!

You wipe the tears off your face, fixing your hair and going back to the table pretending nothing happened with your trembling steps.

Where is he?

You scout the restaurant and ask a waiter if they’ve seen your lover. “Hm.. suit..brown hair.. ah! He went outside with this woman who wore a periwinkle hanfu.”

Periwinkle hanfu..? Woman..?

You rush to the outside of the restaurant.

Go back inside Y/N, you know full well what you’ll see.

But what if…

Your greeted with zhongli, your lover, and a brunette woman in a periwinkle hanfu. Her hair is long and flows with the wind, her skin similar to what some imagine angel wings look like up close. Her voice was smooth and mature, practically 100 times better than how you looked.

You watched blankly as he dug his knee between her legs, blushing and caressing her skin.

“Li.”

“Huh- ah! Y-Y/N! You’ve come at a wrong time! This is an old friend of mine-!”

You stayed silent as the light faded from your eyes. Your 2 year anniversary, the day you finally caught him red-handed.

Why didnt it feel as satisfying as they say it does in the movies?

Right. Because i love that man, but he doesnt love me.

“I always knew you were cheating on me Zhongli, i always knew from the hickeys and the lipstick stains.. but god, couldnt you have put in a bit of effort to make sure the woman who loved you most didnt find out?!”

“Y/N I-“

Zhongli gulped pushing the woman off of him

“And with a woman who’s practically identical to Guizhong! I always knew you were still in love with her and i never commented on it but this is where i cross the fucking line-“

“You are being immature and impulsive Y/N! Im not cheating nor am i still inlove with her-“

“What a sick joke! You would confidently say to me during our 2 year anniversary that i remind you of her and never thought anything of it. I was willing to change for you but you just had to mess things up?!”

Tears threatened to stream down your face as you shouted at the man, his mistress cowering in fear and shame. You almost felt bad for her. You tried to hold back from getting anymore emotional.

“I cant deal with your sorry cheating ass anymore Morax.”

The word “morax” rolled off your tongue like a threat as you stormed off to who knows where. Liyue was a big place, a beautiful country your beloved carved with his own hands, and so you ran, ran to the tallest mountain top you could reach.

Glaze lilies.. as you stood on the mountain top you saw numbers of glaze lilies paint the grass as the white glowed slightly in the moonlight. Your legs gave up on you as you shook beneath liyue’s moon.

What was he going to do? Was he going to try and pick up the broken pieces of your heart? God you hoped so, but as the cold air in Liyue embraced you there were no shaking of the glaze lilies, there was no man saying your name, there was no Zhongli climbing this mountain top for the sake of apologizing.

He’s.. hes really just leaving me like that..? Hes not chasing after me..? Why..?

Minutes turned into hours of non stop tears as you walked down the mountain with a heart broken into trillions of pieces.

“Zhongli..”

The sight of him, the mere pronunciation of his name irked you and you watched as he looked at his feet.

“Y/N, i need to explain things to you”

“Im not gonna forgive y-“

“Im not asking for forgiveness, Y/N.” His firm tone made you flinch as you looked into his eyes with malice

“I did infact cheat on you with a woman that looked like guizhong, but i simply cannot hide my thoughts any longer. Guizhong has everything you dont, Y/N. Guizhong could be everything you are but even more elegant, even more intelligent, she will always be one step ahead of everyone to me.”

Tears pricked at your eyes with the claim

“Was i.. was i really just guizhongs little replacement..? All the dates, all the kisses, the love letters—was all you really saw.. guizhong..?”

“Im afraid so.”

—

—

—

—

—

—

“Im gonna hook up with your adepti children you dumb ancient historical artifact!”

[turnerchic]

CHANGE YOUR MIND

alex turner x reader

Summary : Alex and you are set up on a first date (11-13 era Alex - imagine whichever era you want tbh)

words : 885

WARNINGS : sexual flirting hints? y/n's girlboss aura

Alex's Pov

"well can you atleast tell me where you're fucking taking me matthew" Alex sighed in the passenger seat of the car

"Al it's called a blind date you'll find out stop whining" Matthew chuckled

"yeah a blind date not a fucking blind taxi ride thi- ugh whatever" struggling to get his sentence out through frustration causing him to give up causing Matthew to laugh more

Y/N's Pov

you arrived and sat in the restaurant wondering if you were late or early since it took 40 minutes to get ready, you were wearing; a black mini dress, nude lipstick and your hair was unbrushed not knotty but bareable (in a messy french girl way)

you looked around fighting against the urge to pick at your nail polish Gosh you even painted your nails for this guy (red)

"hello ma"am are you waiting for someone?" a man called holding a clipboard with a list

"yeah actually, it's under..Turner" if he's cancelled i-

"right the tables over there number 5 a waiter will be with you, enjoy your evening!"

you smiled and walked over to the table, it was posh, pretty and everyone was dressed smart

so now all you have to do it wait.

Alex's Pov

Alex stepped out of the car checking his watch "oh god matthew i'm late i swear" he said while rushing into the building

he walked up to the man at the front "Hey i have a- its under Turner"

"yes table 5 over there, enjoy your evening sir" pointing to where you were already sat.

"she's already here" he thought you couldn't see your face just the back of your head, you were sat with your head in your palm. fuck

well, Alex rushed over slowing down when he got to the table

"hey im abit late im so sorry it were Matt-. Alex" holding out his hand for you.

Y/n's Pov

God. your head shot to the side but then God literally.

he held out his hand and you took it "Y/N" causing him to smile "pretty name" and you smiled

"and it's okay i only just came in"

"it were Matthew i dunno but that's good i thought i were really late" rubbing his forehead

"Matthew he told me about you"

"embarrass me?"

"no no just told me you were mates, long time and the basics"

"that's good then, you look beautiful by the way Y/n"

"thanks Turner"

"Turner? i like it darlin-"

"Hello may i please take your order if you both are ready" the waiter interrupted smiling

"oh yeah um...i'll just have the pasta with the side of soft bread" you said to the waiter

"i'll have same as her" Alex said and the waiter walked off

"so what do you do Y/n"

"Fashion, runway modelling that stuff"

"oh you model"

"is it surprising?" tilting your head

"oh no not like that you're pretty i don't know you seem like a café girl" he tried explaining

"a...café girl?" you said "is that an insult?"

"no no..oh it doesn't matter" he gave up chuckling

"i'm only kidding but what about you Alex, what do you do?"

"i'm in a band i'm sure Matthew should of mentioned it"

"no he didnt actually"

Alex's Pov:

She doesn't know i'm in Arctic Monkeys? he thought

but that's a good thing. she might be actually interested in me

"oh so you're not a fame hungry gold digger"

"famous? what are you big Alex"

"it's Arctic Monkeys, but no it's most of the past dates enjoyed the money and fame more than me"

"i'm not here to make your pockets hurt turner don't worry"

"i know love don't worry"

Y/N's pov

our food arrived and me and Alex ate most of our meals honestly it was quite bland

"i'm finished"

"same here do you wanna do dessert's?" he requested

"i'm on a diet Turner" you leaned forward

"you don't need a diet and they're small ive been here before" he leaned over the table too towards you "trust me babe"

"oh am i your now babe Turner?"

"oh hottest babe i've ever met" he winked

"i like to hear that" you smirked

"the compliments? you like how i tell you you're the most breathtaking woman i've ever seen" he said pushing some hair behind your ear "i mean everything you're great, talented..im sure you have many other talents too" he trailed his finger down your cheekbone to your jaw to your chin while he looked your body up and down

"i was a gymnast, still flexible, know all the moves..." you said turning the conversation in that direction

"ohh now you're bad" he laughed "you know i've had a great time with you y/n, and i know many other ways to show you a great time" he picked your hand up off the table, placing a kiss on the back of it

"now you're pushing it" you both laughed

you both got up paying the check and walking out of the fancy restaurant onto the quite busy streets of NYC

"hey if you want me to walk you home or owt i can or if you want to call you a taxi i'll pay i-"

"home?" you turned to him "the nights only just begun Turner" smirking looking back and starting to walk away asking him to follow after you

"we'll, lead the way then babe" and he followed you.

he'd follow you anywhere

Authors note - thank you for reading this isn't checked so im aware there is probably spelling/grammar errors.

requests open.

[and--you-are-weightless]

8/19/22

okay. i gotta get serious abt losing weight again. like its getting back to the point i feel uncomfortable in some of my clothes again, especially my bras. so im gonna start doing nightly journal entries taking abt what i ate today, any exercise i did, how i felt, and what my plans for the next day are. if i count calories or purge ill put that here too.

ill start them all w the date and tag them all "#shellys day" so u can black list that if u want. i know i havent reblogged pics in a while but ive just been in such an awful binging cycle and also getting most of my th1nspo from insta lately

anyway

today was really bad. i went to work decided on panda express for lunch. i always get kung pao chicken (290), chow mein (510), and some crab rangoons (190), so for lunch i had about 1,000 calories. it wasnt even very good and even tho i was full half way through i ate the whole thing anyway cuz im a disgusting pig. i spend the rest of my shift at work wishing i had got some poke instead so naturally even tho i wasnt hungry i stopped and got poke after work. i have no idea how many calories are in it, i at least get the poke salad option so theres just lettuce instead of rice but it was still way too much and again even tho i was full half way thru i made myself eat the rest. i also got some fried rice balls cuz im a fucking cow and decided to really make myself feel worse than i already did. after i ate i just laid down and kept feeling worse and worse til i went to throw up like maybe an hour or an hour and a half after eating. i still have two rice balls left i really want before i go to bed. i dont have any more easy high calorie foods left in the house other than the cookies my dad made but hopefully hell give those away to friends before i binge on them. im gonna try to do better tomorrow. im gonna go to the gym with my dad in the morning if i can make myself get up in time. im also supposed to see one of my partners tomorrow evening and he always orders taco bell super later at night so i know ill end up eating something there but if i can have a little discipline itll be the only thing i eat tomorrow. then starting saturday night after whatever i eat w my partner im gonna start a 36 hour fast. im gonna allow liquid calories but nothing crazy, just its ok to put a little creamer in my coffee or a spoon of sugar in my tea i mean. if i mess up im gonna restart til i make it thru the fast. once i make it thru im gonna go back on a low-carb diet and focus on protein and veggies again. carbs are always my downfall. once i start on pasta and potatos and bread and sugar i always ruin my diet and start binging on everything. maybe ill make more balerina soup again. idk but im gonna fix this. my current achievable goal is to lose 20 lbs by december. if i can lose about 2 lbs a week i can do that. i just gotta focus and stop binging. i can let myself have a cheat day every now and then when im w my friends or a partner but i have to stop rewarding myself with food and overeating when im depressed.

[venusinwool]

ive been obsessed with cooking and eating good food lately, so heres a typical day of eating. everything is organic, pasture raised etc you know the drill.

breakfast

-usually eggs, cooking them in ghee makes them have such a lovely flavor. i would have that with some tomatoes and cucumbers, maybe some smoked fish. or i like to make oil-free buckwheat muffins with coconut sugar, i'll have that with some fresh buffalo milk cream and blueberry jam. also, coffee and matcha always.

snacks

-i LOVE snacking on fruit and nuts, but if im extra hungry, ill go for yoghurt with raw honey and pumpkin seeds too. always gotta have fruits though, if i dont have some for one day i think ill throw a fit lol.

lunch

-this varies a lot, but grains are a must for me. im not gluten free or low carb at all, i need some carbs to function tbh. usually a bowl with protein, grains and avocado. today i had some homemade turkish "kısır" (bulgur wheat with green onions, red pepper paste, high quality olive oil, parsley and vegetables), 1/2 avocado and some dried/smoked meat.

dinner

-chicken or salmon for dinner, sometimes steak but not often. i'll cook some vegetables in butter or olive oil too, serve it with easy to digest greens and vinegar. my favorite vegetables are... well, whatever is in season. im not selective, and i love variety.

night snack

-tbh, i'll just go for some herbal tea. fennel, chamomile, rosehip or linden. maybe a handful of walnuts or cashews if im really hungry.

and thats it! i know my diet isnt entirely according to "holistic" rules, but this is what works for me. i always appreciate things that come from nature, and nourish my body with what its telling me to eat. whose diet is perfectly aligned with arbitrary rules anyway?

[sodrippy]

mmmmmm mood when i had 3 square meals without overeating for the first time in uhhh ages and im full from dinner but my app says im 500 calories short of the recommended intake

[oimoi-op]

when were you diagnosed with t1d?

Ok, so storytime! Short answer is, as of today, barely over two months ago. 

(Very long post warning y’all, contains hospital mention and extensive, possibly upsetting descriptions of health conditions, specifically DKA)

My family doesn’t really have a history of T1D or even T2D, though my second-cousin-once-removed has had T1D for over a decade now. So, there was never any reason for me to try and get tests done for it. The only sign I really had up until last semester was two copies of a variant of an HLA gene that I knew about from a 23andMe report (which, according to the report, put me at a higher risk for celiac’s and nothing else), but of course at that time I had no idea that that could mean anything serious; after all, that sort of thing only happens to other people, right?

My college started in-person classes in the latter half of August. By October, I started feeling tired, having a lack of appetite, and needing water very, very badly. I actually went to my school’s clinic, and my erratic heartbeat prompted the doctor to recommend me for a Covid-19 test. My school’s protocols meant that I had to quarantine at my home (since I live within two hours of campus) until I got a negative test result. At home, I was drinking water all the time and sleeping constantly, and my parents had commented on how I’d been losing weight. I thought these were all good things. I had been slightly overweight at my high school graduation, and I’d always heard that drinking a lot of water is good for you, so I thought I was actually in excellent health even if I kind of felt like shit most of the time.

Well. Uh. I was wrong.

When finals came around in mid-November, I was just fucking tired. I’d get a decent eight hours of sleep and still have to take naps during the day. Hell, I was even late for work because I slept through one of my nap alarms. Studying was a pain in the ass. Attending classes was a pain in the ass. Staying awake for Zoom classes was a pain in the ass. I was waking up at 5 am to go to the bathroom, and then I would drink the rest of my water, refill it, drink half of it again, and then go back to sleep. Finally, November 20th rolled around, and I got to leave campus. It was my birthday (yeah I am a Scorpio and that weirds all of my friends out lol), and my parents took me to Fusion. And I just...couldn’t eat at all? I love hibachi, but I couldn’t even eat half of my food. The chef even got me a delicious banana split that I had to basically bully my younger sister into eating with me.

For the next week, I was sleeping about 18 hours a day. I didn’t think this was weird because I’d just had finals so yeah, it makes sense that I would be tired after exams and whatnot. I went shopping with my mom, sister, and sister’s bff. We were only out for a few hours, but I was fucking wiped out y’all, like in pain. Thanksgiving arrived, and again, I love food, I love eating, but I was not hungry in the slightest. I basically had to force myself to eat some of my favorite holiday foods just so I wouldn’t offend my mom, and then I didn’t eat for the day.

The very next morning, I was puking my guts out.

This started a pattern for the next few days: I would eat chicken noodle soup or some other food, sleep like the dead, and throw up every morning and every night. I started chugging large bottles of Gatorade constantly (which, if you know about diabetes and its health complications, did not help my situation in the slightest). I started breathing erratically after very little exertion. Like, I’m talking standing up and stretching brought about heavy, labored breathing. I weighed myself on my parents’ scale, and I was under 130 lbs. Now, for some people this might seem like a lot, but due to my height and build I could fucking see some of my ribs. That was when I started to realize that something was very, very wrong, but “losing weight is good” and I didn’t want my parents to laugh at me for voicing concerns (though, for all their faults, in hindsight, I doubt they would’ve). Yeah. Don’t do that, folks, that’s not a good mindset to have. 

On Sunday, my mom took me to town to get tested for Covid. This was despite me saying that I didn’t have symptoms (which I knew very well due to some of my friends catching it at school). Rapid test came back negative, so I did a culture test. Hell, while I was sitting in the damn chair, I was about to pass out. I asked for a nausea pill but my mouth was too dry for it to dissolve. I got a cup of water, downed it all, and felt like my throat was on fire. For the rest of the day I felt so, so awful. At some point I was walking toward my bed in my room and I fucking fell. I’m fucking lucky there was carpet. 

Regarding the rest of that night, things start to get blurry, for the lack of a better term. I legitimately cannot recall everything that happened that night or the following two days, so I will just try to explain it in the way I remember it best.

Around...midnight or one??? I was on fucking fire, so I went to my bathroom and decided to lie on the floor. The floor was hardwood and not at all cold, and it wasn’t fucking comfortable even in that state, but I was just in so much pain I didn’t even care. My mom must’ve heard because she found me there and asked me what I was doing. I said something about the floor. She asked me to go back to bed, but I must’ve scared her because she asked me if I wanted her to lie in the bed with me. I don’t remember what I said to her, but we were in the bed and she was trying to hug me, but she was too warm and so I told her to stop. I kept feeling this burning just below my chest, like there was acid in me (which I guess wasn’t too far off), so I would randomly sit up to try and alleviate the pain and not cry. I remember asking my mom to take me to the hospital in the morning.

My mom put me in the truck (I think around 5 am is what she told me). I remembered hearing my dad. I was lying down. Then I was awake, but I was on the floor. I thought this was wrong so I tried to tell my mom that but I guess I couldn’t talk. Then I was in a hospital bed, the ER I assume. My mom gave me some water with a sponge, and I was just so fucking thirsty. Then I was in the ICU hooked up to a bunch of machines. I didn’t know what was going on, but my mom kept giving me water with that sponge. That is all I remember from Monday.

I remember a little bit more from Tuesday. My mom said something about diabetes, but that didn’t make any sense to me because I wasn’t “fat” and I’d been losing weight, even! What had I done to get diabetes? I was thirsty and tired, so I slept a lot. At some point I really needed to use the restroom so I unhooked my IV???? (I mean I must’ve disconnected myself somehow but I can’t remember the details) which set off a shit ton of alarms and people were Very Concerned and kept asking me Why Did You Do That? But I just needed to go to the restroom, and they told me to use the Red Button to Call the Nurse (it was already there, and I now realize that we’d probably had a similar conversation about the Red Button to Call the Nurse possibly multiple times before this) in the future. A Chopped Teen Tournament from 2017 was playing on the TV nonstop. There were commercials for CGMs. I thought that God wasn’t being very funny about the whole thing.

As of now I remember even less of Wednesday, but I know that felt better. There was this diabetes specialist who kept talking about insulin and life at college moving forward, but I wasn’t really there, either because of being so out of it for health reasons, disassociating, or a combination of the two. My mom told me she had emailed a professor so he would give me an extension on an assignment that was due by then, and I remember crying because I thought that was just so nice of him. That night, this guy got me in a wheelchair and put me in another room, which I would later learn was the ACU. My night nurse was this nice woman named Tanya, who had a very thick Eastern European accent. She got me orange juice to take some potassium pills, but it felt like swallowing rocks. I didn’t really get a lot of sleep, so I was awake when the nurses changed shifts. I remember one of them expressing surprise that I was out of the ICU so early.

My mom took longer to come that day because nobody had told her I’d been moved. I’d had plain Cheerios and orange juice for breakfast, but I couldn’t really eat because my throat hurt so badly. I talked to a lot of doctors. I guess at this point or somewhere near it I accepted that I had diabetes, but it wasn’t really real until the same diabetes specialist was going over carbs. I thought I was never going to eat shit I liked ever again. I really wanted a fucking McChicken sandwich. I signed some papers for Medicaid because I had aged out of the CHIP while in the hospital. I finally texted my friends and explained to them what had happened. I was so fucking tired.

I got out the next day, so that was Thursday. Normally, I would’ve been in the hospital much longer (especially because my Medicaid hadn’t been approved, meaning no insurance had approved of my insulin yet), but Covid cases were on the rise and the hospital wanted me out of there. The diabetes specialist and one of my nurses snuck me two fast-acting and two basal insulin pens, and I was out. I ate half a McChicken, a small fry, and drank my first Diet Coke. It tasted like diesel mixed with piss. 

That’s the gist of it. The hospital staff was very nice and thoughtful the entire time, I think. I felt as though everyone involved cared about my health a lot. 

For those of you who aren’t T1D or just don’t know, what I experienced is called DKA, short for diabetic ketoacidosis. To simplify, I was very close to entering a diabetic coma. My sister later told me that our dad had said (I assume a doctor had told my mother, who, in turn, had told him) that I was “approximately 45 minutes” away from death. DKA happens when a diabetic (usually a T1D like me) has too much blood sugar in their body due to them lacking the insulin necessary to break the sugar down, so their body breaks down their fat reserves and muscle to get the energy it needs. This is why I lost around 50 pounds over the course of a few months (I was 118 lbs. when I entered the hospital, the lowest I’ve been since grade school). I was officially diagnosed with T1D on November 30th, just ten days after my 19th birthday, which is a little older than normal I believe. It’s...well, it’s not fun, but I feel very grateful for my large support system, and tomorrow I’m trying out a CGM for the first time and applying for both it and a pump, so things are really looking up 

[elftwink]

d/on/t r/b this post but as of late ive been struggling with a loss of appetite to a degree which i know is damaging to my health and that other people are noticing and it feels very difficult to talk about because for one, i’m almost certain it’s a symptom of something else so i don’t really know how to address it on my own, since my relationship with food is somewhat beside the point. even if i love a food and want to eat it and know i should, not only am i not hungry but the thought of eating makes me feel ill. but it’s also not like an actual physical thing wrong with me or my digestive system because i’m able to eat just fine when i have the munchies lmfao.

its very similar to my sleep schedule being messed up like around wind down time when i think about going to sleep i am overcome with a violent and prolonged sense of dread only relieved by accidentally distracting myself long enough to forget i should be going to bed then rinse repeat until 2-4am. but i know its somewhat different from normal executive dysfunction because w/that any feeling bad about it is self-imposed and it’s guilt or anger or frustration at not doing what i want to do. the like, fear/dread/revulsion is new and i have no idea why its happening or how to make it stop

and then ofc they all compound. i barely eat so i’m tired and low on energy all day, making it that much harder to break the routine ive set for myself. i stay up until 2am every night and that makes me more tired. i dont go anywhere or see anyone for obvious reasons. i really think if i could fix my diet and sleep schedule that would already make everything so much easier to deal with but every time i try i genuinely feel like it’s making it worse. like quicksand; the more you fight it, the faster you sink. obviously forcing myself to sleep is only inducing anxiety attacks and forcing myself to eat is making the nausea worse but if i dont do anything than its just a matter of time until i hit some kind of breaking point.

idk where this post was going. i just wanted to talk about it. i type posts up like this all the time only to delete them because im embarrassed or ashamed or because i don’t want the ppl i know irl to bring it up in person or because i don’t want to dampen the mood. obviously this post is pretty far from a solution but i dont wanna feel alone in it anymore, and on the off chance i do feel better after posting this, i think thats worthwhile even if it doesnt ‘solve’ anything

[wlw-in-space]

Little!Luthor Reader

One where L!L struggles with an eating disorder, but it had gotten somewhat better after moving in with Lena because Lillian isn’t there to always make fun of her weight. Everything is fine, until someone in game night makes an off handed joke about L!L always eating sweets. It triggers her, and she starts skipping some meals. It’s not so often at first, but then she starts going three days without really eating. Lena gets suspicious, and asks about it, but L!L just brushes it off. Since it’s been so long since she’s really limited her diet, L!L gets lethargic and cranky. One day, while she’s hanging out with Lena at work, L!L, lacking nutrition, passes out. She’s taken to the hospital where the doctors tell Lena based on her blood work she has several nutritional deficiencies, a sign that she hasn’t been eating. Lena talks to L!L about it when she wakes, she won’t talk about it. Lena, trying to make her feel safe, admits she also had an eating problem because of Lillian, which she only got over with the help of friends. L!L finally opens up that point. Lena promises to help L!L through her issue and the night ends in cuddles with Lena getting L!L to enjoy a little ice cream, but also understanding there’s a long road ahead

- requested by @qualitytrashtho

TW for eating disorders

The food at the latest game night was running low, and there were only two cupcakes left. You looked up from them and saw Kara eyeing them from across from you.

You smirked and grabbed them both, licking the frosting off of the first one.

“Y/n/nnnn,” Kara whined.

“I’m just teasing, Kara,” giggling, you handed Kara the untouched cupcake so she could have it.

Kara took it with a toothy grin and chuckled, “Thanks, you’ve been stealing all the sweets tonight, kiddo, you’ve gotta leave some for me.”

“Oh, um - sorry, if you want i can take the frosting off and you can have the rest of my cupcake,” You said almost immediately, suddenly, you didn’t want the cupcake anymore.

“You’re all good, Y/n/n,” Kara smiled and winked at you, taking a big bite of her cupcake.

“No, I’m serious I actually don’t want it anymore, I think the sugar is giving me a stomach ache,” You shook your head and held the cupcake out for Kara to take.

“Okay,” She said hesitantly, taking your cupcake, “Thanks for the cupcakes, squirt.”

“Sure thing, Kara,” You nodded and sighed when she turned around to go back to the couch.

—

The next morning you opted out on eating breakfast, not wanting to worry Lena, you just told her that you weren’t in the mood and that you would just have a big lunch.

After a few weeks you’d gotten into a habit of not having breakfast at all.

The first week was just two days, but soon you’d cut out breakfast altogether.

Lena was pretty surprised and kind of confused because you loved breakfast, especially when she made you her infamous toast (it doesn’t sound like much, but she has this way of making it taste so good). She didn’t want to nag or bother you, so she just let it go, still offering to make you something, or even just give you a granola bar to snack on at least.

It wasn’t hard to start limiting the amount you ate during lunches and dinners, Lena was always focused on work, and when you did eat lunch together, you always finished last anyway, Lena would get caught up in whatever she’d be talking about and wouldn’t even notice how little you ate.

After a few days of eating just a few small snacks throughout the day, Lena decided to ask you about it. Her concern had grown a lot since you stopped eating breakfast. She took the chance to try talking to you while the two of you were watching TV and a commercial came on, “Hey, Y/n/n, you haven’t been eating that much lately, what’s that about?”

“It’s nothing, I guess I just haven’t been that hungry,” You shrugged and got up, “I’ll go make some popcorn.” That seemed to be the easiest way to end the conversation and get rid of Lena’s concern for the moment, as long as you just ate a little of the popcorn.

—

The next day you ate lunch with Lena at work, taking a break from your homework to do so. When Lena looked up from her work, she saw you sitting on the couch quietly, playing with the sleeve of your sweater.

“Y/n, you look a little pale sweetheart, are you okay?” Lena asked, getting up from her desk to sit beside you.

“I’m fine, just tired,” You said, trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Lena just looked at you for a second before nodding and standing up to get the food, “Can you grab us waters from the mini fridge, please?”

“Yeah,” You rolled your eyes, feeling grumpy as hell, but got up anyway and opened the fridge to get two bottles of water, kneeling down to see what you were grabbing.

You felt lightheaded as it was, but it got worse when you stood up from the fridge.

Your legs gave out and you fell to the ground, dropping the waters.

“Y/n?” Lena went wide eyed when you collapsed and hurried to your side.

—

You woke up in the hospital a few blocks away from L-Corp. You could feel Lena’s head resting in your lap and her hand in your own. It only took a few moments for you to become aware of the uncomfortable IV in one of your arms, making you groan softly.

Lena lifted her head when she heard you and she seemed to relax when she saw you awake, “Thank god, Y/n, you scared me so bad.”

“I’m sorry,” you said, looking away from her face to avoid feeling guiltier.

“No, don’t be sorry honey, just - why hadn’t you been eating?” Lena asked softly, like she was nervous to hear your answer.

“It wasn’t really anything, Lena, I’ll eat more,” You squeezed Lena’s hand gently, looking up for a moment and feeling another wave of guilt when you saw her expression.

“I know living with Lillian was really hard, Y/n/n. She is undoubtedly the worst mother there is to have. I didn’t know it when I was living with her, but a little while after I moved out of the Luthor manor, I’d realized that because of Lillian I developed an eating disorder,” Lena sighed softly and looked up at you, chewing on the inside of her lip. “It lasted a really long time, I’ll be honest, but I was able to get over it with the help of our friends. And I think if this sounds somewhat like what you’re feeling now, I promise to help you for as long as you need me to.”

You looked at Lena gratefully, “Thank you, that means a lot to me.”

Lena smiled and nodded a bit, “You ready to go home?”

“Oh yeah, I wanna get out of here,” You chuckled.

—

By the end of the night you and Lena were in her bed watching Guardians of the Galaxy (she let you pick the movie) and eating ice cream. You guys were using the fluffiest blanket in the apartment and you were tucked into Lena’s side the whole movie.

[bluebellfairie]

food diary 12/1

i thought today was going to be amazing. i woke up and walked to Starbucks. everything felt super christmassy and i ordered a coffee. i wasn’t super hungry during the day and i was planning on just having soup from the dining hall for my dinner and keeping my calories super low. but then my friends wanted to go out. and i didn’t know how to say no. 

and the night before i had missed out bc i was sad and upset about my weight and didn’t want to risk binging. so i decided to go. 

my friend had a class so we didn’t leave until 9pm, which meant we didn’t eat til 10. i ordred pasta. 

i shouldn’t have and i know that. i haven’t had pasta at a restaurant for at least a year. it just sounded really really good. and i was hungry and hadn’t eaten since the day before. 

i ate the whole thing and afterwards looked up the calories. 1140. 

i tried to look up the calories of the restaurant on my phone while we were there but my phone died and my internet stopped working. 

i ate the whole thing. to be fair there was a whole bunch of leftover sauce but i had all the pasta. 

then i went back to my dorm, and snacked on 2 handfuls of goldfish and a mini chocolate drumstick. honestly surprised i didn’t binge. at home i keep my food under VERY close control and binge 1x a month maximum. but at college its much harder to moniter which makes me anxious and leaders to much more often binges (not crazy often but its been a week since i left my calories untracked and that was the first time in like 2 weeks)

im extremely anxious right now. 

before eating yesterday i weighed 114.6 

this morning im 115.

ik its bc i ate so late at night but still, to wake up weighing less then i did yesterday afternoon after having water and coffee makes me very anxious. 

i also had the mini chocolate drumstick and goldfish after midnight so idk if today is a clean slate and i count it with yesterdays calories or count it with todays calories.

yesterdays. its over and im moving on.

i can’t stress about this.

what i ate 12/1:

grande iced gingerbread latte with almond milk- 110 calories 

100 calorie popcorn bag- 100 calories

pasta- 1140 calories

2 handfuls goldfish- 140?

mini chocolate drumstick- 120

total: 1,610

definitly the most ive eaten in a long time. the thing i don’t understand is i wore my apple watch today. according the that i burned 1880 over the day yesterday. theoretically i should still be losing weight. but im not. 

i dont know why. is it just 8 months of an extremely restrictive diet? have i messed up my metabolism beyond fixing? 

i weighed 112.8 on the monring of november 26th. all i want so desterately is to go back to that. thats all i want. its been almost a week since ive been 112.8. i dont understand why i can’t get back to that im so hungry.

[f4ts1lv3rmoon]

struggling with my eating disorder

its has been a while since the last time i talk about it, but i still keep track of my calories intake and i keep track of the calories im burning, the problem is i keep gaining and losing the same amount of weight and i am quite disappointed every time i step on the scale :( like im super heavy now and i miss my old weight so much, im fasting rn because its ramadan and i lose only 1kg everyday and gained it all back after iftar, i keep getting hungry and i work out late, and my current workout is jumping jack and i do a lot of them at once since im at home and my room is so small so i have no option since i love cardio rather than a homebody workout, and since i think im going to stay at home for quite a long time i bought a mini stepper online that gonna arrive about 15 working days ao i have to wait for that and keep doing jumping jack while waiting i depending on workout right now cause i don’t really can diet at home since ive been cooking for my family so i ate what they want to eat but i will try my best to reduce the portion and go back to my lowest weight which is 47kg hopefully i can do it this time 

[ofsage]

is that [MATTHEW DADDARIO]? no, that’s just [SAGE SLATER]. [HE/HIM] is [TWENTY-EIGHT] years old and is a [PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR]. rumor has it they’ve been in town for [ALMOST HIS ENTIRE LIFE]. on a good day, they’re [ASTUTE & JOCUND]. but watch out! they can also be [RECKLESS & UNRULY]. [LOWLIFE BY NECK DEEP] plays in my head whenever i think of them. can’t wait to see them around springhill! [sam, 23, est, she/her]

hey there demons! it’s me...sam, and i was here briefly once but i decided it might be time to retire the muse i had brought in, so i’m back with a brand new muse that’s still a lot like the last one so please message me if you would like to plot!

i. stats

𝕗𝕦𝕝𝕝 𝕟𝕒𝕞𝕖: sage silvestre slater

𝕙𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕥𝕠𝕨𝕟: springhill, new jersey

𝕕𝕒𝕥𝕖 𝕠𝕗 𝕓𝕚𝕣𝕥𝕙: june 1st, 1991

𝕫𝕠𝕕𝕚𝕒𝕔: gemini

𝕠𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟: bisexual

𝕠𝕔𝕔𝕦𝕡𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟: private investigator

𝕚𝕞𝕞𝕖𝕕𝕚𝕒𝕥𝕖 𝕗𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕪: dr. rosemary slater good ( mother ), professor of psychology at ucla & corwin slater ( father ), retired detective of the springhill police department.

𝕡𝕠𝕤. 𝕥𝕣𝕒𝕚𝕥𝕤: astute, jocund, ebullient, well-meaning.

𝕟𝕖𝕘. 𝕥𝕣𝕒𝕚𝕥𝕤: reckless, unruly, flippant, puerile.

ii. history

sage silvestre slater was born and raised in springhill, new jersey. at the time, his mother had a small practice in town while his father was an officer rising quickly through the ranks at the local police department.

he was a precocious kid, but more often than not his natural intelligence was overshadowed by an ostensible inability to sit still and constant antics. ( a diagnosis of adhd later on would explain some of this behavior. ) his teachers were nonplussed and unsure of what to do with him, but his father had a plan.

sage’s father saw potential in him and decided that he would train his son, honing his raw skills and molding him into the perfect detective. five years old when the lessons and lectures began, sage was too young to question his entire life being planned out for him, which often led to feelings of confusion and dejection when he was scolded for spending his time on the things he had a genuine interest in : games, movies, television, spending time with his friends. typical kid stuff that he wasn’t allowed to enjoying.

he was eleven years old when his parents officially divorced, an event he could have handled well by itself, but it led to his mother accepting a job offer all the way in california. he felt abandoned and his father floundered. he was never the parent who dealt with emotions. he eventually decided that his solution was to simply ignore it. he didn’t even try to talk to sage about the divorce or his mother leaving or any of his problems ever.

fishing trips ( something he’s always hated ), rides in the passenger seat of his cruiser ( dampened by lectures on police procedures that he had no interest in ), regular visits to the shooting range ( where it was quickly discovered that he’s a crack shot but he hated it after trying it once ). his father tried everything except talking and listening.

sage was so frustrated and angry that he started acting out. he was getting constant detentions at school and his perpetually middling grades plummeted. he argued with his father every day and broke curfew every night. he bought a motorcycle at sixteen and at seventeen, he dropped out of school and left town in the middle of the night.

it was the first time in his life that he had ever felt freedom. no teachers, no arguments, no controlling father breathing down his neck. he spent a couple months simply wandering around the country, picking up random odd jobs just for the fun of it ( and for the cash ). he had no permanent residence, no responsibilities and no attachments. it was practically paradise for him except for one thing : he can’t turn it off.

he was working as a cashier at some convenience store in the middle of nowhere when it was robbed by several figures in masks that completely covered their faces. sage solved the case with minutes to spare before the police arrived and he immediately told them who to go arrest. the story generated headlines that went viral, and for once in his life he hated the attention he was receiving...until the offers started pouring in.

he found out that people were willing to pay him to solve their mysteries : everything from people asking him to locate their missing keys to assisting police departments around the country with cases, often ones that were labeled unsolvable until he came along.

maybe he wasn’t a police officer at heart...but he was certainly a detective.

by the time he returned to his hometown, sage felt like he was gone for several lifetimes when it had only been a few months. he started renting a cheap apartment and avoided his dad for as long as possible. ( he found out through the local rumor mill that the man had finally retired while he was gone. ) a steady stream of cases kept him busy until one in particular left him stumped and he didn’t know where else to go for advice, except the person who taught him everything he knows about solving a puzzle.

his father disapproved of the business ( which didn’t surprise sage at all ), but would ultimately begin to offer advice whenever his son approached him with a difficult case. the two are currently working on improving their relationship, but often fall back on their old habit of petty squabbling.

PERSONALITY : the textbook definition of man - child. spends his free time playing video games, watching movies and eating snacks. has a joke or sarcastic remark prepared for every single occasion and he takes almost NOTHING seriously. constant obscure pop culture references mixed with eerily accurate statements about a complete stranger can make him difficult to hold a conversation with, but he’s also affable and witty. he’s an extremely loyal friend who’s always there when it counts, but not the best person to trust with the little things because he will fuck up somehow. does ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING purely for the fun of it. a literal genius who’s borderline ashamed of his intelligence.

iii. extras

sage is hyper - observant and highly skilled at deductive reasoning. he can look at something for all of five seconds and then hours later he’s describing it perfectly, right down to even the tiniest detail. he often learns things about people through his observations rather than through conversation, which he sometimes forgets and so he slips up and says weird things to people about themselves.

he loves movies and television. there’s always something on in the background when he’s working on a case, and most of the time it’s something obscure and / or 80s.

takes adderall for his adhd, but he’s really irresponsible about it so from day to day whether or not he’s on his medication is honestly a toss up.

HUGE COMMITMENTPHOBE. it’s likely part of his abandonment issues. he tries to avoid relationships altogether, but if he gets into one then he’s a total disaster and usually resorts to self - sabotaging when things are going well so that he isn’t abandoned again.

in high school he was captain of the baseball team and he played football and basketball. he had his letters and probably would’ve gotten noticed by scouts if he hadn’t dropped out and run away from home.

he has a sweet tooth, which is obvious due to his diet of nothing but candy, snacks, and junk food. he’s always hungry and usually always eating because he somehow always has food on him.

he was probably born late and has continued the trend by never ever being on time even once in his life.

wears mismatched converse high top sneakers : one green, one blue. a decision made because one day he just could not find either of the other shoe has turned into a fashion statement and is now one of his most distinctive quirks.

drives a norton motorcycle that he basically built from scratch himself and it’s his child. he loves it and he drives it everywhere to the point where’s racked up A LOT of unpaid parking tickets in town.

he’s well known for sticking his nose into the local police department’s cases. he might occasionally provide useful information, but for the most part he’s probably viewed as a nuisance who gets by on his father’s goodwill.

iv. wanted connections

lifelong best friend / watson to his sherlock *wc on the main

cousins ( maternal and paternal, don’t necessarily have to be from springhill so almost anything goes for this )

friends

clients AND people he’s investigated

enemies / people who find him annoying

high school friends

exes / flings / one night stands

( these are just a few base ideas, so please don’t feel limited by what’s listed here! )

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[x22wg]

Shore Leave (part 10)

Fresh from the gym, Michael Burnham stepped out of the shower with a soft moan of contentment from the warmth still lingering on her skin. Catching a glimpse of her profile in the mirror gave her pause, unable to look away. It still felt unfamiliar and strange to see herself like this. Such curves and just... so much of them. Michael found herself mesmerized by how the roundness of her belly curved into plump lovehandles, studying every crease and burgeoning roll with detached curiosity.

Touching her chubby cheek, Michael could not help but smile. While it felt like she barely recognized herself... when she had come face to face with the "Red Angel" down on Essof IV, her mother had known who she was right away.

Finishing drying her hair, Michael laughed at the absurdity of it all: She had nearly died trying to lure herself back from the future, only to learn that not only was her mother alive but a time traveller. And somehow she had decided what was most shocking about the whole thing was her mother seeing through a bit of extra chub. Perhaps that asphyxiation had killed off a few brain cells and Dr. Culber just didn't want to admit it.

"At least this helped against the temperature fluctuations." Michael patted her chunky flank and remarked wryly: "I suppose Georgiou wasn't lying about 'protecting me'..."

Burnham's hand moved to the front of her potbelly, relieved to see that she was making progress reversing the effects of the Emperor's "care". Sliding her hand up an invisible ruler she confirmed that her belly probably didn't stick out further than her – admittedly significantly fuller – breasts.

Her confidence surged, convinced that her efforts were paying off: Going to the gym. Carefully monitoring her nutrition intake. Being away from Tilly...

...Michael slumped, her confidence evaporated in an instant. Heaving a sigh she slouched down onto a bench. Lovehandles quivered with the impact as her belly pooled onto sprawling thighs. It let her stew in her lonesome misery for but a short while before she was called to action by a hungry growl.

Burnham knew better than tempt fate by starving herself and quickly finished up to make her way to the mess hall. Silently she imagined a carefully selected list of nutritious dishes. More vocally she groaned at the mental blandness. No wonder Tilly thought she was too serious and dull.

Michael shook her head as she walked down the corridor: What Tilly thought of her was the last–

"Oh. Hi there." Stopping a few meters away, Tilly shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other and held up a tentative palm by way of greeting. Her elusive gaze flitted to Burnham's damp hair: "Fresh from the gym, huh? Been working out? I thought we were going togeth–  oh never mind! Gotta stick to the regimen, right? Get swole. Rawr!" For emphasis, Tilly flexed her arm and felt her own veiled bicep. "...haha..."

Awkwardly stroking her own arm, Burnham was grateful for the redhead's defensive blathering: her attempt to fill the awkward silence between them. "Yeah..." she said eventually, failing miserably to affect a carefree air: "I just popped by for a bit..."

"Uhh-huh."

She wasn't fooling anyone. She was every bit as uptight as Tilly thought she was. "Uh... I better go..."

"Yeah, I was just... uh.. heading to the lab."

"Right..." Burnham made a hasty retreat before she ended up making things even worse by blurting out what she was having for breakfast. A strictly regimented platoon of lentils, spinach, beans and– a final glimpse of Tilly's copper locks caught Michael's eye before she disappeared around a corner. Instantly the list in her mind evaporated and she stomped into the mess hall with frantic determination. She snatched up a tray and slammed it down in front of the replicator: "Cheeseburgers. Plural," she said tersely. "Add fries..." Michael paused for a moment. "...and chocolate fudge cake."

"Is this really necessary?"

Initially, Burnham had been quite willing to break from her daily routine to check in with Stamets in Engineering. After all, she was the one who would have to use the time suit they were attempting to synthesize. Not to mention, in a way, seeing the suit take shape brought her just that little bit closer to her mother. It was a small comfort in place of the emotional solace she craved in the wake of her mother's sudden, but devastatingly short, reappearance. Michael knew she had not left her willingly, but still it felt like rejection. Just like she herself had been rejecting her only other source of that comfort which she craved...

What Burnham was less enthused by was being met by Stamets, Jett Reno... and a measuring drone. "I thought this was about the suit?"

"It is," Stamets assured her, before adding rather more awkwardly – with an attempt at a reassuring smile to match: "It's just a precaution."

"You already have the schematics–"

Utterly unwilling to pull any punches as usual, Reno activated the drone's hover-mode to interrupt Burnham: "What my esteemed colleague here's trying to say is: we're dealing with a piece of kit more advanced than we – especially he – can fathom. It's not a prom dress we can take in and let out on a whim."

"It will fit," Michael said firmly. Saru had seen the Red Angel – seen her – on Keminar. Wearing the time suit. Ostensibly no heftier than her mother, on whose schematics the suit would be based.

"She has a point..." Stamets glanced over at Reno. Mischievousness tugged at the corner of his eye, eager to contradict his colleague for that jab she had just directed at him. "Any adjustments we make to the design now will be obsolete if Commander Burnham loses more weight."

Reno considered the matter for a moment before offering her begrudging acquiescence. She disabled the measuring drone as if to tell Burnham she was dismissed and said inscrutably: "...or gains it all back..."

"...and then she was like 'yeah?'" Tilly leaned forward, abandoning her malevolently nonchalant Georgiou impression to get her companions' attention by tapping Detmer's soufflé with her spoon: "That woman's a total psycho."

Seeing Owosekun and Detmer pause opposite her, Tilly realized what she had done and gently stroked the offended dessert as if to make it better: "Whoops..."

When this didn't seem to allay their concern, an apprehensive grimace spread across Tilly's face: "Shoot. She's behind me, isn't she..."

Turning warily, she breathed a sigh of relief that was quickly replaced by absolute bewilderment.

"Is this seat taken?" Michael asked evenly. The three women just looked at her like a stranger  – which, to be fair, for the last couple weeks she had been at mealtimes. Then their eyes fixated upon her food tray as she sat down: filled almost to the brim with extra dessert.

"Oh... wow..." Tilly exclaimed shakily, the look on her face saying "who are you and what have you done with Michael Burnham?"

"Anyone want some cake?" Michael affected her most winning smile. "No? That means more for me then."

"Are you... alright?"

Burnham took a big bite out of her club sandwich, munching through her words: "Yeah, why wouldn't I be? Mmh, this is really good, you should try some."

Reluctantly, Detmer took a bite of the offered half, nodding in agreement as she chewed. "I didn't know this was on the regular menu."

"It took some convincing," Burnham said as she tucked into luscious dish after luscious dish, making theatre of how heartily she was eating.

"How do you 'convince' a machine?" Owo chuckled.

Detmer visibly relaxed as she accepted the rest of the sandwich: "Tilly, didn't you say you reprogrammed a food synthesizer to only make ice cream when you were a kid?"

As if slapped out of a trance, Tilly spluttered in confusion before feeling compelled to reply: "Uh... oh... what? Oh... that. It was just a matter of calculating the necessary protein concentration and small particle dispersion of emulsifiers."

"Right... of course..." Detmer managed to pretend to understand for all of three seconds before she burst out laughing. And just like that, the awkward atmosphere vanished.

"You gonna eat that?" Burnham asked jokingly, following up on the levity by pointing to Detmer's soufflé. Her humorous request was met with a smile, so chummy it was akin to a balm for her soul. She tucked into the dessert as it was offered to her, doing her best to reflect the warm camaraderie to Tilly beside her and smiling through chocolate-stained teeth.

"Seriously, is there anything you can't do?" Owo told Tilly, shaking her head in mild disbelief.

The redhead's eyes fluttered as she turned her attention away from Burnham to reply, rather morosely: "Well, too bad you can't power a time crystal with ice crea-heywaitaminute!"

Burnham thought her uniform should have fit better by now, compared to the last time she greeted a mystery guest arriving in Discovery's transporter room. She was certain it had felt less restrictive as of late, but having to walk at a brisk pace to keep up with Captain Pike really seemed to push the seams of her trousers to their limit. She made sure to file into the room after the captain so she could surreptitiously feel up her bum to make sure there were no hull breaches.

Feels so big... and round, she analysed before she snapped back to reality and quickly stepped up beside Pike before he caught on. They had to wait a moment for Tilly to arrive: A small eternity in which she could not quite put that round rear out of her mind... especially when Tilly came up from behind to join them.

Reflexively putting on her overbearing façade, Michael still raised a curious eyebrow when she glanced over at the redhead on her right: "Is that for me?" she joked, eyeing the bowl of spumoni ice cream in Tilly's hands.

"Ohh... no, no! I wouldn't want to ruin your diet! It's for... well, you'll see."

Before Burnham could retort, the trill of the transporter heralded the arrival of a young woman with wild hair and wilder fashion sense. Woad tattoos and nose ring was perhaps not the look Michael imagined for a planetary queen.

"Your Serene Highness, may I–" Pike said with respectful urgency, but was quickly cut off by an outburst of girlish enthusiasm:

"Tilly!" the queen of Xahea exclaimed with a big grin and rushed over to embrace her friend.

Burnham and Pike exchanged patient looks as the two women greeted each other with unbridled excitement. At least "patient" was what Michael was going for. Somehow a burning feeling was welling up inside her; petulant, almost childish.

"Po, this is Commander Michael Burnham," Tilly explained once the hugging was done and ice cream had been offered. She gestured towards the thin-lipped Burnham.

"Your roomie," Po observed, her second eyelids blinking curiously as she cocked her head slightly: "You look taller in your photos."

"Yes I've put on–" Burnham smoothed her uniform over her thick waist, somewhat self-conscious. "Wait... taller?" Expecting a comment on her weight, the queen's comment threw Michael for a loop.

Virtually vibrating with barely controlled excitement, Tilly continued by introducing Pike. He proceeded to give the queen a small bow, measured to the exact amount of courtesy expected of their respective stations: "Your Highness Me Hani Ika Hali Ka Po..."

"Po's fine."

"Right. Can you eat and walk?" Pike glanced down at the bowl in Po's hands. "I understand you can help us power a time crystal."

Taking a big spoonful of spumoni, Po nodded blithely and made to follow. Still somewhat perplexed, Burnham made up the rearguard, unable to keep from glowering as she watched Po and Tilly up front, all giggles as they huddled together.