#okay im full on breakdown in the tags

[tchaikovskym]

I think I can officially call my art blog a public archive since it's not getting any blog action

[mooroficirrus]

bigfrin

[lecliss]

I'll never be able to take the theory that Vincent is Sephiroth's real father seriously cuz I cannot stress enough how important I think it is to the plot that Vincent wanted to fuck Lucrecia and did not get to.

[cas---2y5]

I am once again neglecting my physical and mental health to finish an ambitious project on an impossible timeline I’m sore and exhausted and dehydrated and either overeating or not eating at all. be normal about my hobbies challenge failed immediately

[abyssaldyke]

Fucking around with this first chapter of dead cherry for next month's workshop knowing damn well I dont really like the opening and have no idea where the rest of it is going but I need somebody to read something and tell me what I'm doing wrong

[dickggansey]

.

[fairyhaos]

seventeen and exams

how i think seventeen will study for important exams

notes: inspired by me, and my friends, who are currently going through exams. tag yourself y'all, im jeonghan

masterlist

seungcheol:

tries to study rlly hard, spends an hour looking over his notes then proclaims loudly that test scores don't actually matter and you shouldn't base someone's self-worth on a bunch of numbers before throwing his stuff into the air. before he goes into the exam, he tells everyone to not expect anything from him. gets practically full marks. 

jeonghan:

one of those superstitious people who says that eating chocolate before having an exam helps you perform better. the members still don't know whether he actually believes it or uses it as an excuse to eat half a box of chocolate before his exams. meditates (prays) with minghao on the day of the exam. crams in the two days before, pulls all-nighters and is all charged up in caffeine and sugar. scores super high, so does it all again next time too

joshua:

goes round telling everyone to do your best!!! your best is all that you can do when it comes to tests and don't feel bad if you fail, especially if you're mingyu or seungkwan!!!! tutors the younger members in maths/ english when they get stuck, literally looks like a cute nerdy uni tutor when he puts on his rimmed glasses. claps when everyone gets their results, never tells anyone what his were

junhui:

firm believer of Winging It. hoshi swears that junhui has photographic memory or smth bc if anyone ever has a question about the material he answers back in record time despite having not looked at his notes Once ever since he wrote them in class. gets the third highest score out of all of them. is basically a genius trapped in a catboy's body

hoshi:

almost kills himself trying to cram for his exam a week before. lives on energy drinks, cookies and sometimes the carrot sticks that joshua brings him. gets asked by wonwoo if he's slept at all, answers with "red". can barely focus on the paper when he's in the actual exam bc he's so tired. is going to go back into hibernation once he's done the exam, couldn't care less about the result anymore

wonwoo:

he's a nerd, so he gets full marks. makes a three month study plan, ends up only following the first month of it and the last two weeks of it. randomly yells questions at junhui at various times during the day, gets increasingly more exasperated when the guy keeps getting the answers right. stays up the night before the exam playing games, blacks out during the test but still does rlly well

woozi:

he's studying for it, okay, just not as intensely as soonyoung or wonwoo. makes a study plan that's less intense than hoshi's (admittedly, that guy doesn't even have a plan, he's just stu-dying), manages to actually follow through with it. asks joshua to help him with some stuff, buys the elder chocolate after the exam when he does well

minghao:

meditates his way through it. nah, he's studying too. is more relaxed about it, believes that half of the exam is just knowing the right way to word stuff. you could learn half the content and pass with high marks. and tbh, he's right. uses almost exclusively flashcards, carries them everywhere to randomly test himself n others. goes to joshua and junhui to double check his info, makes sure that hoshi's supply of cookies is all stocked up

mingyu:

prays to the gods. he knows he's smart enough to do all this, but has the attention span of a ball of wool and none of it is Staying in his head. steals some of jeonghan's chocolate, cries in wonwoo's bed after he's done the exam saying that he failed it. is pleased when his test scores come back and he finds that he Didn't fail it at all. the little shit smh

dokyeom:

either passes really well, or just barely doesn't make the pass. is practically joshua's permanent student. part-time studying partner of hoshi, part-time breakdown partner of seungkwan. also steals jeonghan's chocolate before the exam. is the most positive when they get their test scores, bouncing around and hyping everyone up so they don't feel too worried

seungkwan:

has a mental breakdown four (4) times while studying. declares himself done with revising a total of six (6) times. his room is a mess of  papers and flashcards. followed the advice of people on the internet and bought a wall-covering whiteboard, which he's covered in red ink and his tears. has one last crying session with dokyeom in the corner of the living room the night before the exam. comes out of the hall saying how badly he messed up and makes the members feel so bad that mingyu buys him ice cream

vernon:

locks himself in his room, has his headphones on his head almost permanently. walks around the living room like he's never seen it before, stares blankly at all the members he encounters as if he's meeting them for the first time. no one knows what he's revising. or how he's revising. practically only comes out of his self-isolation the day of the exam, wishing everyone good luck before gliding out the door like some sort of spirit

chan:

is the one providing everyone with positive reinforcement even more than shua!! hypes everyone up, encouraging everyone to keep going. gives like 5 members shoulder massages every night. no one ever knows when he has time to revise by himself bc he's always sitting with someone and listening to them rant. does moderately well on his tests, is praised endlessly by his members bc they're so grateful for how much he helped them

currently taking requests

[lesboyajaceare]

you aightt lately ?? iahhvent been oon tumbllr in AGGESSSS whatts up thiigh ?

im doin pretty okay!!!! aside from last week where the Uterus Fuckery happened and i had like 7 mental breakdowns.

but i will make a list on things that i remember happened

got a moirail

started dating a mutual

started dating a second mutual

ex friend who was abusive found my account and fucking dmed me and then deactivated bc he 'felt bad'

moved accounts that night

like 3 weeks in everyrhing was fine then an ex friend started acting rlly rude and bitchy and blocked me because it thought i was 'anti transid' (im not, just harmful ones and i dont really use them anyway.)

said it was upset i wanted to 'kill its friend' even tho it said 'i give you full permission to kill her.' 3 days prior

said friend is a radqueer prat who just says they arent (its vriskafic8tion on a new account)

this happens repeatedly where i am sent threats from ex friend and stuff and people defend it for doing so?

said friend also does this to other friends, tells my boyfriends to do awful stuff to themselves, yadda yadda

theyre still defending it

i have to break them off and my moirail just says 'you dont understand quadrants' because i expressed discomfort with it being friends with the threat sender

?????

nothing happens

i watch ex friend crumble relationships and push everyone who defended it away and then blame it on 'being suicidal' and says 'do not commit suicide youll end up with 7 friends instead of 20.' like it didnt send threats and shit

that was sad but also like 'damn welcome to karma'

i try and talk to vriskafic8tion to understand and heelp

rhat doesnt turn out well! (do NOT go in my #discourse tag it is a NIGHTMARE)

APPARENTLY ME BEING INTERSEX AND HAVING PCOS IS A ME ISSUE AND SINCE SHE WANTS IT SHE CAN HAVE IT TOO EVEN THO SHE MOST LIKELY DOESNT

oh shes misanthropic. mmm

idk man getting RACIST vibes from her and speciest vibes

wwhateva i suppose no one likes her anymore

i thik thats it??? hi tho :p

[hier--soir]

okay this is such a stupid, irrelevant ask, but my immediate choice for the richard scarry car was the egg, and then i saw your tags, and then i remembered that when i was little my parents had to hide the book humpty dumpty from me because it caused me to have a full breakdown about them not being able to put humpty together again. i had such a strong connection to that egg.

i don’t exactly know what that says about me, but i thought it might give you a laugh

- pomegranate anon

im fucking dead this is so good

honestly respect to child you for being so emotionally intelligent - they couldn't put humpty back together again and this is sad.

shout out to the egg car, shit goes crazy

very glad to see you back in my inbox pomegranate anon x

[misfithive]

18 and 19 for the YR ask!💜

~heartbreakprincewille

😁😁 yay!!! These are kinda hard 🤧

18. Unpopular opinion you have about the show or the characters

Im conflict averse so no one tear me up in the tags okay lolol i’m just a babyyyyyy (i’m not)

Sooooo I want Simon to express himself more but I don’t want him to have a full mental breakdown. A lot of people (maybe this is a twitter thing) want him to breakdown sobbing and crying S3. He is my baby and i want to protect him at all costs and i already feel like they have been through enough, anything else is torturing them seriously please Lisa i’m begging you to let them be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tears are healthy and i hope he can process his emotions and all that but I’m scared.(edit: i know this is YR so i’m mentally preparing myself for the pain)

Second unpopular opinion is fredrika is a mean girl 🫤 the gossiping and obsession with Wille’s sexuality totally bothers me. still for the stella +frederika agenda tho 😁

19. Whats a headcanon you have about any of the characters?

Okay I’m not very good at hcs bc i take a lot at face value 💀 (¡autism!) so these may not count as hcs and more like assumptions ?! But that’s all i can offer I’m sorry.

My most strongly held hc is that the scar on Simon’s face is from Micke (☹️). And that he did more harm to Sara and Simon than has been addressed in the show. I think there is a deeper reason why they agreed not to have secrets between the two of them that has to do with Micke. I hope we get answers to this s3. I will be very disappointed if we never find out.

(Also he is just so pretty in this picture i think i’m dying a little inside every time i see it)

Feel free to ask me more questions !!! Or share your opinions about my opinions as long as it is not simon slander.

[youredreamingofroo]

hey rooo 😝 4-6 for the editing questions!

gatekeeping this post under the cut, it got lengthy 🤧🤧

4: If you can remember, why did you start editing?

Okay, so this may be a little off topic, but it still talks about editing LMFAO but I started editing mainly cuz one day I saw Minimooberrys renders and was like WOW okay, I want to learn to do THAT and editing, so she was a MASSIVE inspiration for me to start, not only that but I also watch solitasims and lovvvvvveeeddddd her stuff, and wanted to do what she did but mix in editing :) (I think that answers the question, idk I guess like, I've always wanted to edit, but more importantly the want to learn how to render and also do storytelling in TS4 helped motivate me to start editing if that's a better answer)

5: if you caption your edits, what do you decide to put in the caption?

I tend to keep the caption relatively clean (tags are where you get my reaction and shit LMAOO), if you take Leo and Roos posts for example, they're song related, so I'll put some lyrics that I think correlate to them and the scenes placed in the post ("and then you looked right back and caught my stare"), or sometimes scenes not necessarily mentioned in the post, but can be heavily implied or just assume occur ("It's really nice to talk to you, it's really nice to hold your hands," which implies that they talk a lot and that they do hold hands a lot, whether it be romantic or platonic 🤧). There's other situations where I don't have a song (tbf the Reo posts were the first posts where I did put songs agsiabs), like the valentines day prep posts, I just put "valentines day preparations: [sim perspective]", or like in earlier NSB posts, I just put prev / next cuz idfk what to put in the caption. With more recent posts, ive been trying to caption the posts with something related to the characters (like cataleyas drowning post, where it basically lays out the metaphor for the post, which is "too much love from the wrong person").

6: give us a quick breakdown of your editing process

WOW okay, LMAOO well, I'm gonna have to whip out my laptop for this one

For Cas shots: Usually i put cas shots together, so first thing I do is import the images I want to use in a 6000 by 3000 canvas (to preface: I do all my CAS ss in the dimensions 3000 by 3000), and I usually choose from a few mental presets, two headshots and a body shot, two head shots and a half body shot, three body shots, and theres more to list but im not gonna do all that LMFAO so after that, I place them in their positions and then erase the black background (which DOES get tedious when two screenshots sorta overlap and have to make sure theres no black left around the sim), after that incredibly tedious and unnecessarily long process, sometimes I play around with flipping the character around (in the case of two head shots and one body/half body shot, I make the headshots face toward each other, so basically headshot > body shot < headshot- if that makes sense), although that can be placed anywhere in the editing process sometimes I do it earlier on or later on doesnt really matter lmao. Around this point, its just final touches, looking for weird shadows (which is USUALLY more prominent in blender renders, but it can happen), places where shadows look a little too sharp, and cleaning up those spots. For the VERY VERY final touches, I use sharpen and depending on the shot, contrast or saturation, I sometimes use the hue tool to make a certain color brighter or a different color, however I avoid the latter because it creates a weird effect on the picture, the sharpen tool is important for this part, because I tend to make the sharpen effect stronger on closer shots (head shots), or i dont change settings that much for decently faraway shots (half body shots) and i try to make full body shots to not have SUPER strong sharpen, but i tend to go on the lower end for full body shots aisuhdg

For in game screenshots: This is a bit different, so I import the screenshot that I'm using into a 3840 by 2160 canvas (the size the screenshot was taken with), depending on the shot i may add text, the font i use is Walter Turncoat (in most instances, they vary for different posts lmao), I make sure to color the text depending on whos talking or whats going on, a good example is in the catty drowning post and VDAY prep post, I dont do "[character]: [text]", i like the element of figuring out whos speaking (EVEN if it can be frustrating for me), i try not to make it too challenging to figure out, around my level of reading comprehension (/j), so like Catty is pink, calico is yellow, etc etc. I dont use as much sharpen with these shots since theyre clean as is. A lot of my shots like Gifs are pre-planned and thus is a different story, but in short I usually just edit the gif frames as usual and then put them together later. I also have a custom set of black bars to put around my screenshots bc even tho i do use reshades black bars, sometimes bloom or DOF messes with them, and have to put a clean set above them. I dont really know what to say that is quick, I guess for more "complex" shots, like with moodlets or text messages, i just get the assets online and then edit them for myself 😭

and LASTLY, for renders: Trying to keep this short, I usually just do what I do for the aforementioned shots, but like I said in the CAS shots, weird and sharp shadows are more prominent and I just edit those to make them cleaner and then also just add sharpen and make it brighter or more contrast-y idk 🤧

[sexdrugsrocknroller]

ok so.

i just watched the final episode of mp100.

i actually never read the manga, so i was an anime only and didnt know how kt would end. i was spoiler free.

the only thing i thought i knew is that mob doesnt actually have powers, but that in him resides an otherwordly entity for whatever reason, that also has incredible psychic powers.

but now, i realize that was wrong.

??? isnt an entity that takes over his body only when his host is in actual danger, or some trickster god.

??? is just...him. its shigeo. a part of shigeo. an inconscious part that internalized all his emotions ever since his incident where he hurt his brother, convincing the conscious part of mob that he shouldnt express his emotions, lest he goes out of control.

except he still goes out of control. because suppressed emotions and feelings dont disappear. they bottle up gradually, until you're so full that you explode, and have a mental breakdown or meltdown. and in his case, the consequent explosion is much more grave, because hes capable of wrecking a city, without anyone to stop him.

except someone who's so close to him in this regard that he can actually understand. his mentor reigen.

reigen was capable of stopping mob because he was under the same problem of hiding a part of himself, that can be considered his 'true' self. that being his not actually being a psychic and not truly understanding what mob is going through.

but it doesnt matter that reigen isnt a psychic. what matters is that he admitted the truth, he showed his "true" self to mob. something he fears of doing since his first explosion.

he's showing him that he understands the feeling of having a double side of himself, and tells him that everyone, himself included, has one, and that we should accept that double side, because its a part of us. we may believe that part shouldnt exist, but by accepting the existence of that side we can work a way to be our "full" selves without hurting other people or ourselves.

he's telling mob that, while he may not know exactly what is happening to him or what he's thinking, and what he's been going through all this time, he can still be by his side to comfort him and let him express his emotions. to let himself be vulnerable with him.

reigen is telling mob that its okay to have a double side, and that in fact we should accept it and work with it, become one with it, because if we dont, we end up eventually exploding and hurting us or other people.

and, by telling the truth to mob, he manages to convince him to reconciliate the two parts that live within him, thus becoming his true self. and, after tsubomi's rejection, he ends up finally letting out his emotions about the recent events. not just the rejection, which is maybe the smallest thing, but also having hurt his friends, people he doesnt know, his city, and the closest people to himself. finally letting out those emotions. but this time, he's fine. he doesnt explode again. he simply cries. both reigen and mob have become one with themselves.

at first, i didnt cry too. i was feeling pretty sad during the ending, since it was the end of the story. but when i rewatched from the confession, the emotions built up in me and eventually.. i cried. like a lot. i pretty much ended up ugly crying, mostly because of the surprise party for reigen. then, i started understanding the other themes of the episode, and cried harder. i read comments under the episodes and posts on the tag here on tumblr, and cried again. i dont think there's another anime like mp100, nor that there will ever be.

but im happy that i got to watch it right while it aired. im happy that i watched it in its entirety. im happy that was such a good adaptation. and im happy that it exists. just like we should be happy of our existences and of ourselves, and strive to become one with ourselves. one and only one.

[stormyjisung]

OKAY OKAY, I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE PERSON I AM ABOUT TO BECOME IN THE TAGS AND NOTES. 

i shall give a very DETAILED breakdown about every member’s song choice because i feel VERY STRONGLY about these two topics lol

1- chan as enchanted

when i tell u i audibly gasped, i AUDIBLY GASPED. It fits him so well!!!!! like YES. He already has that dreamy vibe that is encapsulated so well with the song enchanted, “Im wonderstruck, blushing all the way home”  no because mr chris bang needs to start paying for the doctors bills because of how much heart palpitation’s he’s causing stays to have.

2- Lee know as all too well

usually i dislike when leeknow is written as an asshole, and i thought so too when i saw the song title you picked out for him op, but when i read through i could vividly see the image you were trying to portray!! like keeping aside all the heavy topics of this song, this song.. its just so fucking sad. and i feel like lee know is one of the members who feels very deeply (usually the case with tsunderes) and the aftermath of the breakup paired with this song is just perfect!!!

3- changbin as gorgeous. 

I WILL FUCKING SCREAM. I HAVE BEEN GETTING BIASED WRECKED BY CHANGBIN ALOT THESE DAYS AND THIS SONG and scenario JUST MADE ME FULL ON BAWL. WDYM HE’S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN IVE LAID EYES ON. “you’re so gorgeous it makes me so mad” THATS RIGHT SEO CHANGBIN, SQUARE UP MF

4- hyunjin as lover

if changbin’s scenario made me bawl, this scenario made me curl up into a ball and contemplate the meaning of love. hyunjin and this song, no other song could ever suit him this much, our resident romantic boy, and lover, its one of the most intimate songs ive heard, perfecto.

5- jisung as begin again.

if you didnt already know, im in love with this quokka. and this song, THE MOST UNDERRATED SONG EVER. "you throw your head back laughing like a little kid" NO BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY DOES THROW HIS HEAD BACK WHILE LAUGHING. I AM NOT OKAY. WHEN WILL I HAVE A HAN IN MY LIFE??

6- felix as love story

another nice pairing op, tho i personally felt like felix suits more softer love songs like, "you are in love" or "hey stephen" but i loved the way you paired felix up with this song, definitely helped me look at felix in a different perspective because for me felix was always the softest lover boy, nice work op!!

7- seungmin as afterglow

yall mind if i scream real quick?? no?? okay. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

finally someone who appreciates this song!!! seungmin as afterglow is the most perfect thing ive ever seen (this is probably the fifth time im saying this in the same post but oh well) seungmin and angst just go so well together, and this, will die.

8- finally jeongin as wildest dreams

grrrrrrr, this was so angsty, i love it. like you projected jeongin in an entirely different light and i absolutely love it, because in my mind jeongin was more of songs like , "paper rings", the more joyful songs, 'falling for the first time' kinda vibe. but this, sheeshhhhhhhh. i really loved the imagery of it all

well done op!!

im so sorry for the entire rant but i just had to dlfkjlsdkfj

skz x taylor swift songs - ★｡･:*

pairing: skz x GN!reader

tags: fluff & angst [both apply for most of them!!] - also jeongin a is a tad suggestive

summary: the skz members in situations that are based on taylor swift songs

word count: 4.5K

for all my stayswifties <3 pls be my friends

CHAN - enchanted

the first time you'd laid your eyes on chan, the two of you were teens, at a gathering of all your parents friends, and as he's the son of your mothers best friend, they wanted you to be just as close as they were at your age. the moment he spoke to you, butterflies erupted in your stomach and you knew exactly how you felt about him in that moment, and those feelings only grew as the night went on. before you'd spoken to him, you felt uncomfortable and awkward, the youngest person in a room full of adults you'd only met a handful of times; many of which you couldnt remember, and all of that fluttered away when your eyes had met his.

you'd spent the entire night by his side, laughing at his jokes, ranting about your parents, hiding away where no one else could find you. you felt like you were in a fairytale, you'd never felt this way about anyone you'd ever met; of course you hadn't, you were only young.

all too quickly, the night came to an end and you had to say goodbye to each other. the two of you didn't want to leave, and with tears in your eyes, you gave him a hug, and begged your parents to let you see each other again as soon as possible.

the entire car journey home all you could think about was chan, how you ran through the garden hand in hand, how you'd danced under the fairy lights, and you face flushed red and heart soared every time you thought about him. you prayed that that wouldn't be the last time you'd see him, that this was the start of something new. you secretly hoped that he felt the exact same way about you as you did about him. you hoped that you were the only one, that there wasn't someone else waiting on him while you thought about him the way you were. you prayed that he wouldn't forget about you, you could just tell he was going to be on your mind for a long time. the entire night would stay present in your memory for the rest of your life. you pleaded over and over in your mind that tonight wasn't a dream, that he was real, that he was out there thinking the same way of you. that you would cross paths again one day soon. and you'll spend forever wondering if he knows how much meeting him meant to you.

and no matter whether you do meet him again somewhere in the future, or never see him again, all you know is that you were enchanted to meet him.

MINHO - all too well

too much time had passed since you'd last seen minho, you remember your last conversation in mid july, the harsh words you'd said to each other ingrained into your mind like scars that would never fade. now in september, you sat in your bedroom and wondered to yourself if he'd ever moved on from you, for you certainly hadn't. the absence of his presence was all too noticeable, the slightly cold autumn air surrounded you, he would have once shielded you from it, his strong arms wrapping around your body as you cuddle in your bed, watching endless movies, just the two of you, forgetting the entire world.

you remember last autumn, the first and only which you'd spent together. you remember watching the change in the colour of the leaves as they fell from the trees, you remembered being in minho's car as he drove you around his small hometown, hand on your thigh as you sang along to the radio together. you remember how you'd danced around his parents kitchen the first night you met them, the feeling of his hands in yours melting away all your worries. you remember how his parents had shown you pictures of him from when he was young, how his ears grew redder from embarrassment as you told him how cute he was. you remember how you'd given him your favourite scarf one night as you were walking home together, his nose significantly redder than usual as the wind whipped around the two of you. he'd kept that scarf, making sure to wear it when he was around you, and you'd still never gotten it back. you wonder if he still has it, does he still think about you when he sees it? does he remember all the moments as clear as you do? does it still smell like you? does it still remind him of the first autumn you'd spent in each others company, hand in hand?

and then you think back to the argument, how heated it had gotten between the two of you. you'd never seen him so genuinely upset, and at this point in time you couldn't even remember why you'd fought. you remember how you'd cried and begged him to talk it out with you, and he'd just left you, in the middle of the night, and never returned. he called you once, and you prayed it was him wanting to work it out. but it was only him asking that you leave his stuff outside so he wouldn't have to see you when he picked it up. and that broke you all over again, hearing the harshness of his words as he spat down the phone at you.

you remember how you'd waited for him all night on your birthday, wishing for even just a message, but nothing ever came. he was gone. all that was left of him in you was his memory.

the thought of the scarf drifted through your mind again, but you decided he'd probably thrown it out the night of the argument.

but across town, as if he could hear your thoughts, minho holds the scarf up to his nose with tears in his eyes, the memories of last autumn flooding back to him, wishing he could change something.

you both remember it all too well

CHANGBIN - gorgeous

the two of you had met at a mutual friends birthday, and although you had shown up with your boyfriend at the time, he was currently no where to be seen, and that didn't surprise you at all. he was the least of your concerns right now; it wasn't unusual for you to find him talking to multiple other girls while you stood around alone, but tonight you decided you wouldn't let his choices ruin your night.

and that's when you saw changbin from the other side of the room, and you were mesmerised from the second his eyes locked with yours. dark hair which perfectly complimented his dark eyes, the lights were shining perfectly on him that you could see his jawline and all of his muscles perfectly defined, and your heart almost stops. he's the most beautiful man you've ever laid your eyes on, and you're so upset that he's not yours. he smiles at you, your legs tremble and you have to look away, otherwise you might just fall to the floor infront of him.

you spend the next twenty minutes avoiding him at all costs, you were determined not to embarrass yourself infront of the most stunning man you've ever seen, so you hid in the kitchen for a long while, sipping on your drink slowly, when he suddenly appears. you almost choke on your drink when you see him and he chuckles, asking your name. his voice is just as beautiful as him and the slight anger you felt before bubbles back up in you as he talks, how dare he be so attractive and be in your presence, he's making you feel so many things and you've not even spoken for 5 minutes. he starts up conversation with you, but you feel yourself stumbling over your words every time he looks at you, it's so hard to concentrate with those eyes staring into yours. whilst he's speaking to you, you wonder if he has a girlfriend, and the blood drains from your face. of course he does, just look at him. you awkwardly splutter out the question and he laughs, shaking his head in answer. that makes you feel even worse, he's so pretty it actually hurts you a little bit.

after a while, you've started to get into proper conversation with him, with the help of alcohol of course, there's no way you'd be so confident without it right now. you're joking together, and his hand brushed across yours whilst you're in the dark kitchen and the trembling feeling you were met with when you first saw each other came back in full force. you feel so unbelievably sad that he can't be yours. you wish you could just go home with him instead.

the party comes to an end and your boyfriend is nowhere to be seen, but you couldn't care less. you'd been told he'd been seen kissing another girl and instead of getting upset, you turn to changbin and invite him back with you instead, and of course he agrees, and you felt happy because you'd finally gotten what you'd wanted that entire night, the most gorgeous man in existence, and nothing else mattered but him in that moment.

HYUNJIN - lover

you'd never loved someone as hard as you loved hyunjin, and you vowed to never love anyone that way again, he was your only one, and you prayed that you'd stay in each others company forever.

hyunjin made you feel like no one else ever had, you felt like you'd known him your entire life, there wasn't a single second of awkwardness between either of you. you were sure if soulmates existed, he was most definitely yours. the most perfect pair, nothing could ever tear either of you apart. you wished you could stay close to him forever, you never wanted to be apart from him, for her made you feel whole.

you remember when you moved into your house together, and how you'd agreed to let your friends stay the night in the living room, and giggling afterwards when you realised that it was your place now. you could do whatever you wanted in the space the two of you called your home. you spent months decorating the house to match both of your tastes; not that it mattered because you agreed on everything, whether that was furniture, colour palettes, paintings, the flooring, you saw eye to eye on everything. you couldn't ever see yourself disagreeing with him on something, especially something so small. the both of you thought so much alike it must just be meant to be. and you truly believed that. everything you thought was in parallel to him, how you both decided on leaving the christmas lights up until january just because you could; it's your place to decide on now, no one else's.

you remember how you'd worried one night that he would leave you for someone else, that if someone wanted him he'd go after it and he immediately reassured you that you were the only one for him, as you cried on his chest he stroked your hair and promised that he wasn't going anywhere, he wanted to spend every summer with just you like you had the previous ones, and you felt the same about him. you wanted to go everywhere with him, as long as you were by his side you were safe.

you promised to him that you'd always leave him a seat next to you, so that we're always by his side. because he's your lover, and you are his.

JISUNG - begin again

your last relationship had been the worst one you'd ever been in. whatever your other exes had done to hurt you, the last one did it ten times worse. you'd never felt so utterly disrespected by anyone you'd dated, and it felt so freeing to finally be away from it all. you remember how he'd always looked down on you, making you feel like nothing. he'd picked you apart, making sure to take stabs at all of your insecurities. there was no part of you that you'd felt he hadn't completely ruined. your self confidence was shattered.

and then on that one fateful wednesday, you met jisung.

for the first time in months, you'd left your small apartment to go back into your favourite cafe, the one that your ex hated, and stopped you from going in. he claimed it was trashy and cheap, but you thought it was cosy and safe. you walk in, book in hand and order your favourite coffee, ready to sit in your usual corner, when you notice someone already sat on the table. a blonde haired boy, scribbling in a book of some sorts, glasses falling down his nose. he looks up at you and smiles, and for the first time in too long, you felt free enough to smile back at him. you decide to sit on a table nearby which faced him, and start to read your book. every once in a while you'd look up and catch him looking at you, and you'd both look away and smile shyly to yourselves.

this same routine would go on for weeks, until he finally worked up the courage to introduce himself. and from there, everything started to fall into place. you'd started to sit together, he'd offer to pay for your drinks, you recommended him books whilst he let you read his scribbles which you'd quickly learnt were lyrics for songs he was writing. whenever you made a joke, he'd erupt into the most beautiful laughter, and you found it somewhat strange since your ex didnt ever laugh at your jokes. he'd pull your chair out when he saw you walking up to your usual table and you felt so cared for. he listened eagerly to all your stories, which your ex used to dismiss. he'd get to the cafe early for you, never standing you up, making sure there was always a drink ready for when you got there. jisung would tell you how beautiful you looked in every single outfit you wore. you wanted to bring up your ex every single time jisung did even the smallest actions for you, how your ex had never done any of these things for you, how he hated when you wore the clothes you picked out, how he'd ignore you when you spoke, how he would make fun of the music you liked, but you caught your tongue every time, realising jisung was nothing like him. and you'd finally met someone who understood and liked you for who you were.

and only a few weeks later, you and jisung were finally together, and it felt so right with him. you'd started to realise what love truly meant, and how you'd both fallen for each other, letting the past remain in the past and just enjoying how he made you feel.

you'd watched it all begin again, and this time it really was love.

FELIX - love story

not being allowed to have something, only makes you want it more, and the same could be said about felix.

the first time you ever spoke to felix was on your first day in a new high school, you'd been sat next to him by the teacher, and the minute he turned to you with his bright smile, you felt alot more comfortable with this new atmosphere. he was asked to show you around, and he took his job very seriously, showing you every single detail across the entire school, explaining the history, asking about what classes you'd be in, telling you about all the clubs he was in, trying to convince you to join one with him. but while he spoke, all you could concentrate on was his freckles, scattered across his face like stars in the night sky. you thought how nice it would be to sit and count them all, tracing over his soft features.

you were snapped out of your daydream when felix led you into his favourite classroom to hide away in, an old music room which looked like it hadn't been used in years. he spoke about how he'd sit in here alone to eat lunch, and asked if you'd like to join him, and of course you said yes.

every single day you would find yourself in that classroom with felix, and each day the two of you grew closer and closer, attached at the hip, no one had ever seen the two of you apart for longer than a few minutes, wherever he was, you'd follow behind. he'd wait for you in the hallways after your classes, he'd walk you to your bus stop, he'd bring extra food to share with you just in case you'd forgotten to bring something, and it was obvious to everyone around you that it wasn't just friendship for the two of you anymore.

he finally confessed one day in your classroom, he'd brought you your favourite snacks and a small bunch of flowers, sitting you down at one of the tables and taking your hands into his, looking down at the floor as he spoke, and when he finally admitted it, the only thing you could do was press your lips against his in response, letting him know exactly how you felt too. you remember his wide grin as you told him how you'd felt, finally being able to lightly trace over his freckles like you'd wanted to do badly on that very first day.

however, not everyone was thrilled about you and felix. your father, an overly protective and aggressive man wasn't happy to see you arrive home with a bunch of flowers that day, your smile giving away absolutely everything. he demanded you tell him what was going on, and you broke down in fear, spilling all of your secrets, how you'd been spending all you time with felix, how you'd fallen in love with him, and your father flew into a furious rage, ordering you never to speak to felix again. you nodded in understanding

but of course you didn't listen, felix was your everything, he made going to school worth it, he was the first thing you thought of when you woke up, and the last thing you thought about before sleeping. his smile warmed your heart, his hugs made you feel safe and protected, his voice was soothing and you wouldn't let your father take that away from you.

so you had to become more sneaky with felix, you had to pretend you were just going for walks whenever felix would invite you out, you'd hide the presents he gave you as best you could, you wouldn't speak about felix when you were home, you'd message him discreetly, but you didn't want to hide him anymore. months had passed since you had started dating and you wanted nothing more than to be able to spend the night with him, to be able to go on proper dates without fear of your father getting angry with you. you wished you could just run away with felix, leave everything behind, and be alone together.

but you were too late. your father caught you together with him whilst felix was walking you home. you father yelled at felix, demanding him never to stay away and never speak to you again. you broke down sitting on the front doorstep watching as the look on your sweet boyfriends face dropped and he walked away, tears in his eyes.

however that night never broke the two of you apart, for something forbidden is always more appealing, the risk of it all so addicting that it brought you closer together. your fathers words couldnt ruin this love story, no matter how hard he tried.

SEUNGMIN - afterglow

you hated fighting with seungmin, but these days it seemed to happen more often than not, and you were worried it was pushing you both to your breaking points. but this one was on you, and you'd do anything to fix it.

you were sat on your bathroom floor, your eyes still ringing from when he'd left and slammed the door. your stomach felt tight, you head was pounding and your hands were shaking. you felt so utterly sick when you replayed the moment back in your head, thinking about the harsh words you'd thrown at him. the fight was over something so small, that you felt so pathetic that you'd reacted the way you had, that this is how you'd ended up.

you'd gotten in from a long day at work and you'd noticed that seungmin hadn't done the dishes, and the laundry hadn't been put away. after such a stressful day, it completely set you off, and you'd shouted at him the minute he came to find you to ask you how your day was. you snapped at him, and he snapped back, he'd had just as bad of a day, and he was going to do the chores later, he was tired and wanted to relax with you for a bit before he got on with them, and you'd yelled at him for that. at that point you'd ran off to the bathroom, and that's when he walked out, slamming the door, no word of when he'd be coming back.

back on the bathroom floor, your sat crying into your hands, wishing you'd have just stayed quiet about it, or even just spoken to him about it. fighting over something so small felt so stupid to you now that you'd thought it over, and your trembling hands reached for your phone to ask him when he'd be coming back. he didn't reply, and you called him instead, which went straight to voicemail, only making you cry harder.

in the state you were in, you hadn't realised you'd accidentally sent him a voice note of you crying. he was taking a walk around where your apartment was, and he listens to the message, his heart breaking slightly. he can hear you speaking to yourself, getting mad at yourself for causing issues between you, and he immediately runs home, to find you still in the bathroom, still sobbing.

he opens the door to your shocked face, and immediately pulls you into his arms, reassuring you that it would be okay, and that you hadn't made him leave forever. you apologise over and over for how you'd spoken to him as he stroked your hair, telling you it'd be okay, and that he was sorry for reacting the way he did too. he reassured you over and over that he wasn't going anywhere, that the two of you were just fine. you cried harder, telling him that you didn't want to lose him over these things, that you didn't want to fight anymore, and he agreed. you were both determined to fix this between you

and that's exactly what you did. you sat opposite him on your shared bed, and laid out all of your worries to one another, all of your frustrations that had been causing the fights the last few weeks. once you'd done that, you made up by making dinner together, and cuddling afterwards leaving the chores another night, deciding they weren't important anymore and you'd do them together in the morning.

that night when you'd gone to bed, you laid awake thinking, thankful that he'd come back, thankful that he'd met you in the afterglow of the fight, and that you could fix it then and there.

JEONGIN - wildest dreams

jeongin made you feel like the most beautiful person in the world, he spoke to you like no one else ever had, he made you feel something no one else could.

but all good things come with a catch, and his was that you had to be a secret.

at first, it felt fun, he was driving you around different cities with the windows down, your hair flying behind you in the wind, his hand in yours as you sand along to the radio, the city lights illuminating his eyes. it felt exciting, hiding it away from everyone, having to hide the small marks he'd left on you when you'd been together, sneaking away from parties when no one was looking just to hide and be alone for a while. there was a rush every time you thought someone was close to finding out, it was addictive. he was addictive

but then it started to hurt. you wanted alot more than just running off places with him, you wanted to be able to put a label on the two of you, be able to do the things that real couples do, going on dates, kissing in public, holding hands. he'd start to push you away if you got too close, he'd gotten more paranoid that someone would find you out. you found that he'd ignore you for days at a time, and you started to wonder why you weren't what he wanted anymore.

did you embarrass him? did you say something to hurt him? maybe he couldn't stand the thought of being seen with you. maybe he'd gotten tired of you. those thoughts rushed around your head every single time he'd push you away, every time he'd not speak to you.

and one day you'd finally had enough, and you told him exactly that. you told him you wanted a real commitment, or the two of you were through. and he didn't object.

so just like that, it was over. months of thrills with him completely thrown away. all of the drunk makeout sessions in his apartment, the driving you through different cities, the marks on your neck from him, all meant nothing to you. it hurt at first, but you'd seen it coming. nothing lasts forever, jeongin was not an exception to that rule.

you sit and think about him often, all the things you did together, how before he'd started to push you away, he'd promised to take you out properly, to see you again. and he'd destroyed that.

all you hoped for him now was that he'd never forget you, that he'd never forget what you could have been, and that the memories of you follow him around. and haunt even his wildest dreams.

this is so long so big round of applause to anyone who reads all of it & sorry that the last three aren't as good i was running out of ideas </3 hope u enjoyed - reblogs & feedback is greatly appreciated!!

thank you for so much love on my last post too aaaaah

[mosscloakenthusiast]

I posted 1,342 times in 2022

That's 1,342 more posts than 2021!

29 posts created (2%)

1,313 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@yellowsomethings

@theminecraftbee

@astronomical-bagel

@teamranchers

@its-shells

I tagged 129 of my posts in 2022

#empires smp - 6 posts

#empires x hermitcraft - 6 posts

#grian - 5 posts

#tma spoilers - 5 posts

#mythicalsausage - 5 posts

#oli orionsound - 4 posts

#rendog - 4 posts

#third life series - 4 posts

#bdubs - 4 posts

#bdoubleo100 - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 119 characters

#listen i need xb ‘constantly trying not to swear’ crafted to interact with mythical ‘always making an innuendo’ sausage

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

THATS MY GUY THAT’S MY DUDE HE WON MCC LOOK AT HIM GO

See the full post

125 notes - Posted November 12, 2022

#4

[in reference to the what is empires hermitcraft recap video] “-think of it as an empires breakdown, which is coincidentally what i’n having right now”. -- pix pixlriffs

132 notes - Posted November 6, 2022

#3

okay okay wait okay im trying to make this make sense

- im running with my Personal Theory that only winners remember the life series, and those who don’t win remember in flashes kinda??? with exceptions for Really Strong Emotional Connections (ethubs, scarian, ranchers) - and scott is just playing dumb because he’s like that. he’s coy .�� - so that’s why like impulse recognises some people but not others?? maybe?? look im trying

- hermitcraft has modern technology (twitter, youtube, grumbot), empires does NOT

- following ren’s universe theory: this is the empires universe, other worlds include afterlife, empires s1, and possibly like fwhip’s hardcore world - hermitcraft universe includes all the prev. hermitcraft worlds (hence scar being all like “is this a past hermitcraft world”) and possibly some people’s hardcore worlds

- something somehting parallel universes parallel people means that the two falses cannot coexist, presumably neither can the gems, and pearl got a god fit  - following whatver oli orionsound has going on, everyone has like one Soul/center point that their characters deviate from? e1!sausage, al!sausage and e2!sausage clearly are linked, similar building styles; e2!joel has some preliminary knowledge about e1!joel; and clearly hc!pearl is linked to e!pearl (santa pearla)

- some worlds (such as like jimmy’s challenge videos, the life series TO AN EXTENT) dont create a new deviation on the soul, they just teleport a previously existing one from somewhere - clearly e2!jimmy and hc!tango were pulled into double life for example

look im trying so hard to make this make sense Help Me make this make sense feed me your hyperfixation rambles please lets talk about the lore of these wet cats

135 notes - Posted October 27, 2022

#2

jack manifold perfectly uses the multi-pov format of the dream smp to create a villain who’s motives are clear and who you can genuinely root for while understanding what he’s doing is Bad in this essay i will-

137 notes - Posted November 13, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

1,355 notes - Posted October 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[descendantofthesparrow]

not me having two weird ass dreams last night

both were about thomas doherty (well, the 2nd one was technically thanks to him being the face claim)

[chasingfictions]

Hi!! I would love to hear all the reasons you think Spuffy are the best match for each other and why you prefer them to Bangel. (Same, by the way :))

ok bestie hello this is an insane question first of all because no one should just give me free reign to talk about spuffy bc i could very well be here all day

first i'll say! i dont like, hate bangel. dkjfkdsf i feel like every time i reblog an anti bangel post i have the tag '#anti bangel #i dont hate them but tagging for blacklists" etc etc. because like, to me spuffy and bangel are just serving very different narrative functions, you know? and i think they both do those narrative functions very effectively! like there are levels and levels and levels to this.

but if we wanna look at it in the most basic terms of story structure, i consider bangel a tragedy in the classical sense and spuffy a comedy in the classical sense. when i say comedy i dont necessarily mean humor (though also i DO bc, as my catchphrase goes, spike btvs said it's always a joke and it's always serious!!!).

simply speaking: tragedy ends in despair and comedy ends in joy. [insert requisite 'obviously it's much more complicated than that but that's not what we're here to talk about' here] ... anyway this is gonna be Long so i'm readmore-ing bon appetit

bangel & the tragedy of heteronormativity

like i know spuffy has the reputation as like the tragic and edgy and depressing of the two ships, and i do get why, but to me bangel fulfills that function much more profoundly. they just ... don't work. like, for this lovely shining moment they do, and they're so caught up in each other, and it's that first love insanity of you can't even process what's happening you're just so totally overcome with the feeling. but critically that lasts for like, a second? like, it's basically "the dark age" to "surprise" that bangel is like, officially together and dating and happy. this is also coincidentally my favorite bangel era! like, just a freaky slayer and her freaky creature of the night boyfriend and they're horny and obsessed with each other and making out in cemeteries and having monster-face makeouts at the ice rink when buffy still has demon blood on her skate blades :))) like :)))) that's the good stuff :)))

ive also seen buffy just like, a million times, and i definitely had a lot more tenderness for them in a romantic sense on earlier watches, and then rewatching this time around i realized really all of that tenderness is basically about that era, which lasts for a narrative second. like the thing that struck me during my current rewatch of s1 and s2 is how long they spend in this weird posturing communication breakdown cycle and circling around each other like cage fighters. and they do have some moments in s3 that romantically-speaking i find compelling — or ok, just the "bad girls" arm jump is coming to mind right now but im sure there are others maybe lol (and even the bad girls arm jump is like,,, okay liam if buffy summers jumped into MY arms at the bronze i would experience a moment of spiritual ecstasy and yet you are not remotely looking like youre having a good time .... get help and appreciate her more).

but also the other thing that struck me in this rewatch of s3 is they break up like, every other episode? which narratively i do find equal parts hilarious and compelling from a structural standpoint. like okay obviously they are broken up to begin with in "beauty and the beasts" (broken up is kind of a hilariously small description for what they are at that point, but we're itemizing here). and then they friend break up in "lovers walk." and then they get back together in "amends" and break up again / go on a break in "enemies" and then reconcile in "earshot" and then break up For Real in "the prom" and then have that mini-reconciliation in that same episode and then are obviously still full of romantic context in "graduation day: part i" and she calls him her lover and they essentially have a sex scene when he bites her, and then they break up for good for good in "graduation day: part ii" ... pause for intake of breath bc i do feel like i just ran a marathon

— and to me that speaks to their asynchronousness!!! like the beauty and also the tragedy of bangel is that they almost work, and they want to work, but they can't, and they don't. like, to me they're just not equally matched as a couple. angel has this frustrating paternalism towards buffy (see: calling xander "just a kid" and telling faith she's "not much more than a child" and soulless angel calling buffy "kiddo" and it's like okay so clearly you do see her as naive and childlike and that's a Weird Relationship To Have To Your Partner...). He's constantly making these unilateral decisions that affect them both without consulting her — "i will remember you" is a great example of this to me. like people lift that up as a reason their relationship would work if they were just "normal." but in that episode angel makes a decision to alter buffy's memories and timeline and doesn't even tell her afterwards. or in "graduation day" — like obviously you can break up with your partner at any time you're allowed to do that, but the fact that he says he's just going to leave town and not say goodbye? to me feels needlessly cold and manipulative. there's also the fact that i think angel is much more of a person when he's not with buffy. neither of them really feel relaxed or silly or lighthearted around each other. it's always life or death and pain and terror and wanting, for the most part, with very minor levity.

and, to that point, i think the other really compelling narrative tragedy of bangel is the impact it has on buffy's relationship to her own slayerness and — conversely — to her queerness. im not gonna go into a big thing here on exactly why being the slayer is analogous to being queer because that's a whole nother essay? but blah blah "have you tried not being a vampire slayer?" / "i've tried marching in the slayer pride parade" / the "new moon rising" conflation of willow dating tara with buffy dating demons etc etc etc. like, one of the reasons i have warm feelings about early/mid-s2 bangel is that I think it's the queerest era of their relationship. it's buffy revelling in her "cradle robbing creature of the night boyfriend" and being attracted to his vampirism and "you're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense". s2 bangel is compelling because it's freaky. because it's monstrous. it's sexual and messy and strange has undertones of queerness.

and then, of course, "surprise" / "innocence" happens. buffy is punished by the narrative and by angel for giving into her desire for this monster. buffy spends the next half a season being terrorized and watching people she loves die or almost die because of it. and then when s3 happens, you can't just go back to how it was! they're fundamentally altered by the trauma of s2! the freakiness of them is gone and instead they're playacting heterosexual normality because anything else is Unsafe. it's in the way buffy starts dressing somewhere between a housewife and jackie kennedy (which ok is also related to her feeling destabilized by faith and that whole bi panic but one thing at a time). it's in angel's nightmare about buffy bursting into flames after their big empty church wedding. it's in the mayor, this figure of patriarchy incarnate, telling them they can never have a "normal" relationship and angel believing him. when like, mister liam of galway she's a vampire slayer, normal was never even in play. it's in — critically! — angel breaking up with buffy by calling their relationship a "freakshow." that bit will never not break my heart.

so yeah when i say i don't hate bangel that's kind of what it's about? like they're not my favorite relationship but i do think they're an important story. tbh that's my relationship with most ship media like, even if something isn't your thing it does still fulfill a narrative function. and like, to me the narrative function of angel is to be the boyfriend buffy gets over. to be the first love and the adolescent wound. to be the trauma she can recover from in order to learn how to love again in a healthy and adult way.

spuffy & the comedy of queer futurity

OKAY so that brings us to spuffy im about to get SO insane hello!!! hello!! literally Hello Okay. i dont even?? dfkldsjfsdjf anon i hope u know this is an INSANE ask i think about them all day every day and the idea of summing up WHY and having it be COHERENT is just?????? like bangel i have cohesive enough thoughts about to be like yeah this is my argument for why i feel the way i do but spuffy is like????? ok i have a personal theory that u dont choose ur btvs endgame ship it chooses you. like spuffy gripped me by the throat at age 13 and said hello!! and i said oh ok!!! ok i'll think about you forever thanks!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you!

but OKAY on the narrative thread of bangel as this ship of heteronormative tragedy, to me spuffy is this ship of queer exaltation. spuffy as a queer relationship has been much expounded on already — like we've all seen @johnaeryns's lesbian spuffy manifesto which is art and changed the timeline by the way!!!!

ANYWAY. like queer spuffy is in the secretness of their relationship, it's in "you think i haven't tried not to?" it's in "i'm all stay-inny" it's in "this? with you? i know it's wrong" it's in "it's wrong, i'm wrong, tell me that i'm wrong please," it's buffy turning what angel used to break up with her back on spike, angel saying "you deserve more than this freakshow" and buffy telling spike "last night was the end of this freakshow." it's in the way buffy feels so much shame about her relationship with spike, the way she hides it. the way a lot of that comes from the angel trauma. angel tells her she should find a "normal" guy so that's just what she goes out and does, and pursues riley, except riley can't really Understand her. like biley to me feels like the experience of being bi in a relationship with a straight person who doesn't really Understand.

and that's the thing about spike, is he understands. it's the way spike comes into the narrative as a New Kind of Vampire who does in the old stodgy vampire cults and buffy comes into the narrative as a New Kind of Slayer who has friends and a life. and they're marked as parallels by the text in this way from the Beginning. school hard red stripes my Beloved <3333.

it's the way in becoming part ii which is forever my favorite episode of tv, buffy has no one, by the narrative's own declaration. it's buffy saying "i got nothing left to lose" and spike saying "i'm all you've got" and buffy's "me" to angel's "take all that away and what's left?" it's buffy's "no, i don't" to angel's "you really think you can take us all on by yourself?" and it's the fact that buffy's whole life is falling apart and everything is ending, she's lost kendra, she's lost angel once and is about to lose him again, she's lost her place in the real world with her expulsion from school, she's lost her place in her family by being kicked out and then here's this guy. this vampire who's on her side and who likes the world enough to save it even though he shouldn't want to and there's something about buffy telling whistler "well why don't you try fighting evil for a change because i'm sick and tired of doing it myself" and here she's not doing it herself??? because spike???? is here??????????

it's the queerness of spuffy in how spike is present for her literal coming out, it's the way they fit so easily together when they have no right to, which itself is a queer narrative. it's, all in that same episode, with their easy banter about the band and the way they instinctively work together in a fight and the way the fact that he's even invited to her house indicates this bizarre undercurrent of trust and understanding. this feeling of alignment and affinity that transcends other bonds and boundaries.

it's the way they match each other, and how that matching is explicitly tied to buffy's identity as a slayer, to her as a fighter, to her connection to the demon world, to the things that give her symbolic queerness (she also has lots of non-symbolic queerness, but again, one thing at at a time, like if we had to also get into how gay buffy is for cordelia and kendra and faith we'd be here all day). it's "i'd rather be fighting you anyway" / "mutual" and it's "you think we're dancing?" "that's all we've ever done" and it's "but i can't fool myself. or spike for some reason" and it's the way the fight is a dance to buffy and spike recognizes that, it's the way spike just knows her.

fool for love is insane for this reason (and many others) it's buffy seeking out knowledge about her essence, herself as a slayer, and she turns to spike. it's spike having insight, its the way spike is obsessed with slayers, and that's another element of the queerness of spuffy imo. a vampire psychosexually obsessed with slayers. a slayer psychosexually obsessed with vampires. the way being a slayer is already being a Woman But Wrong and buffy queers it even further with her erotic fascination with the monsters she's meant to kill, and spike's always already meeting her in the middle, because he's been obsessed with slayers since he knew what they were. the way spike's coat, the symbol of his selfhood, is a slayer's coat and a woman's coat and they're both meeting in this middle ground of Wrong Weird Queer Fucky Gender and are Understanding Each Other in that middle ground.

it's the way buffy understands the hero in spike that's not supposed to exist because he's supposed to just be a monster. it's the way spike understands the monster in buffy that's not supposed to exist because she's supposed to just be a hero.

it's season 5, the insanity of spike falling in love with a hero and slowly learning to be good for her, and he doesn't know how and he shouldn't even be able to learn how but he does, the way he's willing to sacrifice his life for dawn and in "intervention" and "the gift" he's prepared to do just that. this is one of the main reasons i talk about spuffy as soulmates but he doesn't have his soul yet. that spike as a human was so full of love, that love is still is guiding principle as a vampire, that it in places acts as almost a bootleg soul. it's "i don't smell a soul anywhere on you, why do you care?" - "i made a promise to a lady." it's buffy kissing spike for the first time because of his heroism in "intervention," and her letting him back in the house in "the gift" because of that same heroism and the trust they've built, it's going back to that same line in becoming part ii. "the truth is, i like this world." like the truth is he likes this world and he's not supposed to and buffy is sworn to protect the world and it's just!!! it's a little symphony is what it is.

and it's also!! spike understanding the monstrousness of buffy! this is the bit most people focus on with them, and why they have the reputation they do, but i truly think s6 spuffy is generally just so??? beautiful??? it's spike's"clawed her way out of a coffin that's how. i've done it myself" and it's buffy's "i can be alone with you here" and it's buffy who's died and experienced this insane trauma and the person who can understand it with her and make her feel okay is someone who's died too. it's "you have to go on living, so one of us is living," and just!!! the poetry of a dead man being the one to help you learn to live again.

it's the way that genuinely i read s6 spuffy as making buffy genuinely happy in those moments when her own shame isn't guiding her. it's the ecstasy of "smashed" and the fear of "wrecked" and "if you tell Anyone about last night, i will kill you" and the fact that in "gone" when no one can see buffy having sex with spike, she's giddy about it, she's delighted, she's nibbling his ear in front of xander and having fun doing it, it's her in "older and far away" and "as you were" clearly wanting spike but not wanting it to be in or near her house, where people could see, it's "dead things" and the way she's genuinely happy with him in his crypt and laughing and it's "hells bells" him making her laugh at the wedding and it's the fact that in "normal again" we get this dual glimpse of buffy just wanting to talk to spike about what happened at the wedding / flinching away when her friends so much as see her talking to him in a friendly way / him revealing that when they were together he'd put ice on the back of her neck and giving a peak to this quiet domesticity that existed alongside the torrid affair. it's how in "entropy" all he wants is for her to tell her friends about them. i know i said this above but it's literally tara, a lesbian, asking buffy if she's ready to "come out" about spike and buffy saying no, she's "all stay-inny."

it's the way s6 spuffy is SO easily read as being closeted in a queer relationship. the way that buffy feels free and happy and hot getting to have rough, inhibition-free sex with spike but feels shame whenever it's mentioned in words — "that may be how you get off but it's not my style" "no, it's your calling" / "you were like an animal" "i'm not an animal." like, the more i rewatch the show the more i feel like the fundamental quote-unquote-toxicity of s6 spuffy isn't the relationship itself, it's the resounding shame about the relationship (how many times can i say "shame" in one essay on tumblr dot com about vampires n queerness lmao). the fact that in relationships that are either normative (biley) or trying hard to be normative (bangel), the interplay of sex and violence for slayers is allowed and buffy can revel in it but in relationships that are queer either textually (fuffy) or subtextually (spuffy), suddenly buffy has to be ashamed of that, because what does that say about her?

and it all goes back to becoming ii! it's "mom, i'm a vampire slayer" and "well have you tried not being a vampire slayer?" and she literally HAS, she's tried everything she CAN and will continue to! throughout the series! it's the way that dual trauma—being kicked out of the house for being gay a slayer and having to kill angel after losing him because of her forbidden desire for this monster??? tell her that she's Wrong, that she has to be Normal, that she has to Deny what she wants and the way she is and wants is Wrong.

it's the way that spike is buffy's shadow, the way that in season 6 she goes to him because she wants to feel good, she wants to feel, period, and her expressing affection and desire for this monster who mirrors her is also her expressing affection and desire for the things she feels shame for about herself. it's the way buffy doing violence against spike is textually her doing violence against herself (see: faith beating up her own body in "who are you?" → buffy beating up spike in "dead things).

i also dont want to give the narrative too much credit here because one of the reasons buffy is so compelling as a show is the places where it fails and comes short. it's such a rich text to talk about queerness and shame and desire and womanhood precisely because the show itself is full of hangups about those very things. obviously this is a segue into "seeing red" which i'm Not going to go into in depth here, i dont really feel like talking about it because frankly i dont need to go on a long tangent about sexual violence right now :) but suffice it to say the fact that the writers room was like "okay we need the audience to Hate Spike because they Like Him Too Much" and their immediate thought was "right let's write in a horrific scene of sexual violence that will traumatize our actors and our audience and also shows that we too believe what buffy believes, that she is wrong for wanting this monster, that she should be punished for having outsized desires and not being more careful and now her and the audience will Learn Their Lesson." anyway moving on.

but anyway that brings us to the way spuffy is a comedy, structurally speaking. like i think people often read spuffy as this exclusively dark and twisted story because they a) only associate spuffy with season 6 and b) misread season 6 as being only about dark fucked up sex rather than like, that Desire Can Be Good Actually, Even and Especially When It's Not the Desire You're ~Supposed~ To Have.

but then we get season 7 spuffy???????? season 7 spuffy where they are slowly rebuilding their trust, where spike, who represents the parts of buffy she feels shame about, has sought out his soul, and it gets to be this tangible proof that the things she thought were awful about herself all along were actually always good, always had an innate capacity for goodness!!! and sought out a soul to prove it! the way buffy is so obsessed with spike getting his soul and tells everyone all of the time (see this chef's kiss set from @slayerbuffy ) in part because it's like!! see!!! i'm NOT wrong inside, the vampire im obsessed with had the inherent capacity for goodness all along!!!!! the way spike's ensoulment makes me INSANE because it's AGAIN in the thread of becoming part ii — spike is a vampire and shouldn't be ABLE to want to save the world he shouldn't be ABLE to want a soul or think of it as desirable but he DOES.

it's the way that buffy's relationship trauma has, since angel, been about saying feelings out loud, acknowledging feelings and desires in public, but in season 7 she is fully accepting of her desires verbally. "i'm the one who dates dead guys. and no offense, but they were hotties" and "kind of sallow but in a hot way?" and her and spike getting clocked with their sexual tension by the potentials and andrew and the other scoobies. it's!!! fucking!!!!!!! everywhere!!! it's that buffy hasn't said i love you to any love interests since angel (unless you count the time on ats she told angel she loves riley but i could write a whole separate essay on how THAT is just insane in so many narrative ways) and then?????? in her second to last scene in the series??? she tells spike she loves him???????????? it's spike's speech in "touched" bringing it all home:

I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE. I LOVE WHAT YOU ARE. WHAT YOU DO. HOW YOU TRY. (excuse me while i WEEP).

it's the way she spends what she thinks are her last three nights on earth with him, cuddling in bed. it's the way her last lines of the series are all his name, and telling him she loves him, and their love which once wasn't even allowed to be mentioned out loud, to be even thought of with anything but revulsion, now burns so bright it makes them burst into flames

it's the way spike is so beautiful in the story as buffy's shadow because it means something that spike loves with his whole heart, that he loves every bit of buffy, that he has understood buffy from the beginning, even when they were enemies (see everything i went insane about above about s2) even when they were unlikely allies (see everything i went insane about above about fool for love). and understands her as a friend !!! (see early s6!!!! spike as buffy's confidante!!!). the way he understands her as a lover!!!!!!! (see the speech in touched!!!!). the way buffy hates herself but spike will always love her and he loves her for the fullness of herself and through loving him and through him loving her she can learn to love herself and accept herself fully, no one kicking her out of the house because she's queer a slayer, no one telling her she should want a normal relationship, just this strange gendery queer vampire who loves her forever for the fullness of her, her kindness and her strength, what she is, what she does, how she tries. the best and the worst of her. the way spuffy is about the ultimate affirmation of the self and specifically the queer self. the way spuffy is about finding each other. the way spuffy is about queer futurity, is about "you have to go on living," is about if you keep going and keep trying you can live your full unabashed queer life and spuffy finds that together, this freaky slayer and this freaky vampire, meeting in the middle, and making something new.

it's the way spuffy is this narrative impossibility that wasn't supposed to happen, the way spike was supposed to be this half-season arc villain. the way so much of spike in-universe shouldn't be able to happen, but it does. the way buffy breaks the laws of slayerhood, dying and coming back, loving vampires, changing the entire slayer line. the way queerness is very much on a level about this thing that isn't "supposed" to exist, but it does. and it's beautiful.

and that's what spuffy is to me.