#okay but to be fair. my physical and mental health has not been kind to me lately

[linabirb]

*stands up* alright im. going to go make a milgram x reader blog. wish me luck

[jodiellie]

Week 1 Evaluation

It's been a week since I've started this journey, so let's reflect on how the first week has been!

First of all, let's have a refresher on what my GOALS for this 30 days initially is~

Fixing my sleep schedule

Incorporate more physical activities (doesn't have to be exercising, can be stretches or walks!)

Drawing more often for practice

Sleep:

I'd say sleep wise, I'm slowly getting better at it. Though, there are moments where I couldn't get myself to sleep and ended up getting worse. But in general, I think I've made good progress than before I started on this journey, so good job me! ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

Physical activities:

I'm pretty proud of my progress for this! So far, I've managed to do something everyday for the past week to get my body moving! Whether it be actually following along exercising videos on Youtube or some stretching to ease some tension on muscles! Again, good job to myself uwu

Drawing:

Now this. I did NOT meet this goal at all during this entire week, which is a shame. I think I was focusing a lot on taking better care of my own body that the thought of taking care of my skill set kinda slipped my mind? Which, to be fair, is kind of expected since even trying to remind myself to do certain basic self care task is difficult in itself. So, it's okay, we'll just have to do better during the following week~

Extras:

Other extra stuff for my health that I think would I've done well is also finally taking my meds and vitamins. Though it's not consistent yet, I'm glad I finally was able to take them more than I was before. This goes for my water intake as well! Sometimes I would go on days without drinking any water at all, which is quite bad... But now that I'm trying to actively record down my days and what I've done to better my body, it serves as a reminder in itself to drink more water, so yayyy another great job done for me °ʚ(´꒳`)ɞ°

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Things I need to improve/add for the following week:

After a week into this journey, I think I'd like to adjust some of my goals and be a little more specific in what I want to achieve for hopefully the next week! This will help me be a little clearer with what I need to do and help myself feel good in the future >:)

Try to sleep 30 mins earlier than the last, but the latest time for me to go to bed would be 3am. I have been doing quite okay with only a few slips here and there on this. So hopefully by the end of the next week, I can somehow sleep around 12am instead.

Still moving my body every single day, but let's try to exercise 3 times this week for at least 30 minutes! It's been a long time since I've exercised that I forgot how good I always feel afterwards both physically and mentally. So yes, I'd like to challenge myself to actually do some exercise more often! ( *` • ω •´)ゝ

Since I have 0 progress on my drawing, I want to start slow and easy myself into it. Since it feels daunting (for some reason), let's try achieving at least 30 minutes per day for 3 days of art practice. Can be anything, like anatomy, color study, or even just my own personal art. As long as it reaches the goal I set, then it's good :>

[desi-girll]

trigger warning (mentions of violent anonymous asks. please don't read if you're triggered by mentions of self harm)

hi! so let's get straight to the point. if you're reading this, you might be thinking "okay just delete these asks. what's the big deal?" but that will not address the issue someone apparently has with me, right? so, as much as i hate this negativity (and this is going to be a one time thing only because this blog is my safe space), if you're the person who sent these to me, let's just talk, okay?

look, I'll be blunt, these asks are very triggering. as someone (here we go again lmao) who has struggled with self harm in the past, you could've easily triggered me into doing it again had i not been in a better place mentally. i don't know you, neither do i know why are you are sending out these hate asks. but if it's just a prank and you've been sending these out randomly, please stop. you could really cause some serious harm with your words.

if it's something i've done that made you angry, dm me and we'll talk, i promise. if it's not, if it's something else, then let's talk too. maybe you're hurting and that's why you're lashing out? i get the feeling. whatever it is, please understand that it isn't fair for others to have to suffer in whichever way (emotionally, mentally, physically) because of you. i swear your feelings of hurt are valid too, but that doesn't give you the right to hurt others, okay?

i sincerely hope your emotions won't get the best of you next time, and that you'll think multiple times before saying stuff like this to someone else in the future because remember, words cut deeper than knives.

ps: this is the first and last time I'll be addressing issues of such kind. in order to protect my own mental health, as well as maintain the positive energy in this blog, I'll be switching off anon asks both here as well as on my sideblog (@neet-aspirant ) for sometime. i hope yall understand. dms are always open tho <3

[h4t5t0f55l]

why do i feel sick when i hear about other people in my life struggling with their mental health

like i know other people can have problems

but like, why do you have to have them around me

now its my business. im tired of it being my business. which is really fucking selfish

but its more, i've never felt like anyone was allowed to listen to my problems

and then people around just casually drop that they're struggling

and its like "i can't do that without being called attention seeking, but if its anyone else its okay, and its not fair"

and i feel like harming myself over it

because how can these people so easily tell people they're struggling

its not fair

but it doesn't make sense why i want to harm myself over it

like thats just silly

i don't really understand that

i kind of lack empathy for people who say they have mental health issues to their friends irl as a whole. instead of doing everything in their power to keep that shit to themselves. why weren't you traumatised to believe your emotions don't matter like i was? why weren't you traumatised to believe that people are unsafe to confide in like i was?

i'm so fucking jealous of you, you don't understand

and its stupid because this is a person talking about their struggles

i should be empathatic not jealous

but i can't help it

i want to be able to do that and not have everyone leave me

why can't i do that??

its just something i can't have/don't let myself have

and they have it

support

it feels like no one irl has ever fucking been there for me, at least in a way that counts

and i made it that way

i made myself like this

no one else did

honestly other people stating they are struggling with their mental health that i know irl and not strangers on the internet who's feelings don't affect me, is probably one of my biggest triggers

and i hate that it is

because you're meant to be met with sympathy

and i try to, if someone comes directly to me, even though it hurts me, i give them my attempts at consoling them

i give them my support, my sympathy, hell even the last dregs of empathy i can find

but all i can think on the inside is myself screaming "when will someone do this for me" "why not me" "why am i always helping people"

and it physically hurts me to always be looking out for people

and its selfish that i've had enough. selfish that i'm at my limit

i just want someone to care about me for once

but thats too much to ask, because im too much of a burden to care about

so i'll hurt myself over this realisation again and again and again

and hopefully one day i'll end up in the hospital because of it

hopefully one day i'll be taken seriously

[penandswords]

/Updates/

/So as you have noticed I seem to be focusing on crack Threads / Fluff stuff

I was not anticipating JUST how exhausted I was from the stress and the Heat. (I am doing better now but needless to say I was very worn out from the lack of sleep / High heat / high stress)

Long story short: I am fine, but these past few days have been stressful and now that I can relax it's all kind of hitting me. But I'm okay. I am no longer in the hot house. and the place i'm in now has power / AC

I'm going more in-depth under the read more! but I'm talking about storm stuff / health stuff

I've determined I was slightly more dehydrated than I assumed, and just mentally exhausted from the worry of everything happening.

So I'm opting to focus on the Crack / Fluff threads today while i'm bouncing back.

My bigger threads those willl be addressed tomorrow most likely. (now that i'm feeling better and just working on getting rehydrated and getting a sense of what I owe in general)

Thank you SO much to everyone that has had patience with me, this has been a rough week and we still aren't DONE.

I still have to get power back and start the clean up process from the storm. When we finally decided to relocate My house's heat had recorded 95 degrees Fahrenheit.

I spent most of yesterday, relocating my pets and myself to a better situation.

I ASSUMED I was fine, because I was so focused on my fur babies, I didn't realize just how badly I wore myself out. (Until today, now that I'm less stressed and have had a chance to let my body catch up to what was going on)

I am better now, I've been spending the day doing crack threads, and fluff, and just focusing on bouncing back mentally and physically. Lots of water, and things to get rehydrated/

Apparently heat Exhaustion doesn't always hit right away. Especially when you're stressed and focused on a bunch of other things (which is fair I was pretty stressed out yesterday while trying to figure out how to get my fur babies out of that hot house)

My pets are fine, I've had some good friends pull through and help me find a solution. So We're all safe now, and just waiting.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I think I asked this before so I'm sorry if this is a repeat but it has been plaguing me.

TW: Sexual assault?

Is it sexual assault if he asked to get on top of me and I said yes thinking we were just cuddling, but instead he starts to have sex with me? He had to move my leg over because I wouldn't do it but asked me about moving my leg and I said okay because I was scared and confused. I'd said no to him about sex all day multiple times and I really thought he was just going to cuddle me.

He apologized afterward and told me I was giving him mixed signals and that should always mean no. I still feel like it was my fault. I feel like I'm overreacting and that I'm stupid and misunderstood him.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what happened. Please know that it's not your fault and you're not alone.

I think it's important to remember that consent exists on a spectrum - enthusiastic, willing, unwilling, and coerced. The article hyperlinked describes unwilling consent as "When I fear the consequences of saying no more than I fear the consequences of saying yes" as well as "When I feel not only an absence of desire but an absence of desire for desire" and "When I hope that by saying yes, you will stop bothering me, or that if I say no you'll only keep trying to persuade me - i.e, when I'm exhausted from trying to defend my no. I would call unwilling consent 'consent in name only.'" I wonder if any of this resonates with you. It's possible that the kind of consent provided in this situation was unwilling. It's crucial to remember that just because you may have said yes or okay, didn't mean that you wanted it or that it really was okay. It sounds like you felt pressured to provide consent, and that what you were exactly providing consent to was left unclear by this individual.

I don't think you're in the wrong for misunderstanding him because it sounds like he was unclear to begin with. It's totally understandable to want to avoid future interactions with this person, but it may be helpful moving forward that both parties clearly communicate their intentions beforehand (like "When we cuddle, please know that I'm not willing to have sex" or in his case, asking for permission to have sex instead of asking permission to get on top of you as if that is the extent of his intention). Sometimes mapping out plans to be physically intimate can ensure that boundaries of consent don't become blurred. That being said, it sounds like you did explain several times that you were unwilling to have sex, and while consent is something that can change over time (no into yes, yes into no) it's not fair of him to do what he did, especially without explicitly stating his intentions.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you process this experience and develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[theflagscene]

Okay so I have a few messages in my inbox as well as comments on AO3 (which I will get to over there since I know not everyone has Tumblr or followers fic writers) and I didn’t want to reply to one or two anon messages explaining things and make that/those person/people feel like I’m like info dumping directly at them because they just happened to ask, that’s not fair. Also I didn’t want to reply to the non anon messages in private for the same reason, cause like, it’s a lot and a couple y’all just asked a simple question, it’s not your fault that the answer isn’t simple.

As for wether I am working on more chapters for Do I Ever Cross Your Mind, or is it abandoned? It is absolutely not abandoned, none of my fics are ever officially abandoned, even if I don’t update it for like months or even years (side eying a unfinished SPN fic I have from 3 years ago)

I am working on the fifth chapter of DIECYM, as well as all of my very late prompt fics and continuations and one shots, etc. Chapter five does take precedence obviously, so that’s the one I try to get the most done on as often as I can, I know waiting for a fic to update sucks, especially if you really enjoy it and I love hearing about people rereading it while they wait, it truly warms my cold lil heart. Also asking about updates never makes me feel pressured, I’ve mentioned this before, so please, never apologize for poking at me about possible updates or sneak peeks, etc.

Now to the info dumping, I’ll be frank and as blunt as possibly. A while ago I suffered a mental breakdown, some shit happened, it sucked and I couldn’t take it. I managed to power through a lot of it, I still wrote a ton, I actually wrote the first four chapters of DIECYM mid breakdown. Things have gotten worse recently, I am under psychiatric care and my support system is, I’d say pretty damn decent. Right now we’re just working on keeping me at home and out of the hospital, which is proving to be a difficult thing because to be completely honest, I’m not always this cognizant. I have a history of dangerous behaviour that we’re not looking for a repeat performance of tbh. And while all this is going on, I’m also looking for new housing as well as dealing with an chronically ill dog that needs to see a new veterinarian because her last one moved and I do not have the means to pay for that. It’s gonna cost me 100 dollars for the visit, 400 for the bloodwork and 180 for her medication. So nearly 700 dollars is needed for me to keep my dog well and that is basically my entire monthly income, I already use the food banks near me every couple of weeks to try and supplement the lack of groceries I’m able to obtain, but being a vegan, they don’t exactly have much that I can use. Which I know isn’t their fault, they help how they can with what they can and I’m grateful for their help every single day.

So between my dwindling mental health, heavy medication, housing stress, food shortage, money issues and an sick dog, I’ve been writing at a snail’s pace. I spend most of my days barely able to interact with people, online or irl. I mostly just sit, staring, my mother has more than once checked on me and thought I had just gone fully catatonic. I hadn’t, I can just focus very very deeply, like not even on the same plane of existence kind of deeply lol. Space cadet, that’s me! Point is, I physically can’t make myself write. Like the spirit is willing, but the body is weak. Oh, and I also might have fractured my left arm, so that also doesn’t make typing any easier. Just trying to get this all written out on my phone has been hell. I need to go to the doctor to get my arm scanned but I haven’t left the house in nearly 3 months at this point, so it’s like, yeah, just, ugh, not going great.

But to reiterate, none of my fics are abandoned, they are all going to get finished and are all currently being worked on. It’s just going to be way way slower than you’re used too, someone once commented to me that “the devil works fast but you work faster” lol. Well not anymore, the devil may win this time, my slow and steady tortoise progress will have to do for now 🐢🐢

I hope you can understand 🥰

[uncle-fruity]

Look. I went through a very significant period of burnout, and part of that burnout was the pressure of having to be Constantly Available to people online. So much so that it (among other things) contributed to the trauma that made me leave a lot of social media sites forever. I didn't want to seem like I didn't care when I was physically/emotionally/mentally unable to answer my friends! I stressed over this and went out of my way to respond to texts and DMs and everything else at a detriment to my mental health and my general wellbeing. It was hard to "turn off" with my anxiety that everyone would think I was ghosting them or ignoring them out of neglect for our friendship. But, like, texting takes time and energy! Writing a message takes time and energy! Assuring someone that I'm just tired and need a break takes time and energy! And if five people are looking to chat with me, it takes 5 times as long to respond to them that I'm unavailable to do so. It was completely overwhelming.

So, not wanting to continue overextending myself and not wanting to give my loved ones the wrong idea, I came up with a solution that has worked well for me. I *always* tell people up front that it can take me awhile to respond to things, and that it's never personal. That it's okay to text me multiple times if they have stuff to say, because it will sometimes take me days or weeks to respond (no, literally), but that I do usually screen my messages to make sure I'm not missing something time sensitive. If it's an emergency, they should say so or they should call me directly. And that they should let me know if my silence is upsetting them or if they feel like it's personal so we can talk and I can reassure them of their importance in my life.

And you know what? Directly communicating that I have trouble answering messages immediately has helped me tremendously with that anxiety, that feeling of obligation, AND with my friends' feelings surrounding it. I explain that it's usually because of executive dysfunction or because I'm overwhelmed/overstimulated or because sometimes I genuinely do not look at my phone/messages for hours at a time because I prefer to be present with the people & things physically around me (something that most people who have spent time with me know about me because I am present with them & not always looking at my phone). Not only that, but I stress to them that I will never hold it against them if they can't get back to me immediately. They don't have to apologize if it's been a couple days. They don't have to explain themselves unless they want to.

This has worked well for me in general. There are always gonna be people who distrust your explanations or who are going to conveniently forget what you told them and take it personally, but honestly? I told them what to expect and I told them why to expect it and I invited them to tell me if it was ever affecting their emotions. At that point, if someone is mad at me for being active online and not actively talking to them, that's kind of a them problem that they should talk to someone about. No one is entitled to your time! And the people who can't understand your need for personal time and who get angry when you set boundaries & expectations are often not the people you really want to be going out of your way for anyway.

So, yeah. It is my recommendation that y'all should talk to the people you love about your messaging habits/limits/boundaries before it becomes a problem at all, epsecially if you're someone like me who really cannot handle constant communication. It's totally fair that you might not be capable of responding, or just might not want to right at that moment. The reasons people project onto your behavior without even talking to you about it are THEIR problem to figure out, not yours to fix. But the people who love you and understand the issue will give you the space you need without feeling like it's a them problem. It also helped me stop assuming that all my friends secretly hated me for something I found extremely difficult/impossible to keep up with.

Just some lived experience & advice! Take it or leave it~ and best of luck to y'all out there trying to navigate tricky social situations when all you need is to dissociate for a couple hours 💜 I feel for you & I love you.

People don’t owe you their downtime! And I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but in a “quit breaking your own heart” way.

It’s so easy to see a friend “active” and reblogging on tumblr, or maybe making a status update on Facebook and feel hurt they haven’t replied to our messages.

Different things take different energy. And someone being “online” but not actively talking to you does not mean they no longer love or care about you.

[sideways-escape]

this is a completely empty blog right? okay cool

my lover texts me every night because she knows it's extremely variable whether I actually talk to or see another person all day- theoretically I can talk to internet or my few remaining long distance friends or call my dad but she knows my dad is also kind of consistently terrible for my mental health and internet sociality is not the same and the remaining long distance friends are kind of their own mess because depression has made me a shitty friend and some of them are really hard to talk to because the pandemic has left us in very different places

so since my boyfriend left me she texts every day. she's not always there for me for long and she often flags low wattage or whatever but frequently I talk to her about whatever's making me sad or we chat a bit about something else and some days a week she's there longer or even for a phone call, sometimes for several hours, but it's a big range where the low end is often me not responding because I am in a hole and the next step up is just some 'hey sorry you're tired, tell me something sweet' or if something bad happened me trying to be supportive and her getting off because she's low on cope and energy, and the high end is some hours of texting or talking

this has been a pretty consistent presence over the last year and actually more like the last year and a half since the suicidality went from 'most of the time' to all the time, which, her treatment of me was part of

we have had points where she would probably frame it as overextending herself because I was in crisis and failing to keep boundaries about her energy and kinds of communication that she can't deal with and I would frame anywhere from 'basically that' to 'actually you were stoking the problem and then because I was unsupported I had nobody to turn to' and in a couple of those she has dropped me for a few days to once two weeks when I was doing SUPER bad. like she used her boyfriend's surgery aftercare as an excuse / pretext- which was really wicked and unwise because that boyfriend has treated me like absolute dirt and for years his needs and security in the relationship were prioritised to such an extent that he was just being really exhibitionistic and unboundaried to the point of bullying and abuse at parties she threw and in shared work spaces and because I didn't have Relationship Seniority I couldn't stand up for myself and she didn't do anything while I wasn't allowed to be physically demonstrative or acknowledged as also a partner, so, don't heap resentment on a metamourship that's already fraught right? but that's something she did and. I hurt myself really badly a bunch that month and my nebulously-ex boyfriend totally stopped talking to me because he was so scared and triggered by my suicidality and it was really dangerous and. yeah, her dropping out is a thing she keeps promising not to do but she then just does and it usually ushers in a worse time for my mental health and objective life circumstances. and it's not fair to her to be carrying that much support but it's also, what the fuck else do we do and it's, like, I try to meet her where she is but she is really really bad at some of the basic 'don't be kind of cruel to your lover when they're in crisis and to can't handle it' shit

so I told her really explicitly Christmas through mid January was gonna be very fucking rough on me because of my boyfriend leaving me the week after New Year's and us having the horrible deathblow fight on New Year's and she made all kinds of promises- we had a lot of trouble seeing each other in December because I kept getting these one-day colds with horrible timing and her mom and mom's partner got an emergency fascism marriage and her sister (+ spouse + nibling) visited from Canada so I wasn't gonna see her in that and then. some horrible fucking fight landed a couple days before NYE, or I think something like that, because she talked about it as 'intense conversation' and 'I can't tell you the stuff because it concerns other people' which sounds like R code for, my boyfriend, having a meltdown about something. and I had had this great terror that her offer- which I had fished for but not asked for or especially expected- of spending NYE with *me* and not him, which has never happened before and based on his territorial behavior with her at their parties I expected might be a trigger but trusted she wouldn't offer anything that would be a problem for him, I asked is that going to be okay are you sure- was gonna set him off. and the way that poly shit between us has always worked out is punitive to me, you know? so I asked, unwisely: was this about me, and I was in crisis and she was spun out, and she said 'about my conduct in relation to you'. which put me from Defcon 3 to Defcon 1 right? so I was on drugs and crying and rambling and just barely keeping myself from hurting myself right there, she kept barking at me about this boundary of no processing and no ambiguity and. I have internalised this idea I cannot address his relationship with her or his treatment of me directly and sometimes had multi-day freakouts because the idea of even broaching it scared me. and I was suicidal and so drugged and she kept accusing me of prodding at the boundary and my brain just wasn't working and I was trying to not spiral out, and eventually I told her I was not able to filter, and she barked at me that that wasn't care for her and hung up. which she knows is a trigger, and she is usually really down on people deliberately triggering me, but whatever. and then she said 'oh I can't do NYE I'm sick and my brain is racing'. and I spent those two days having to take drugs and be nursed through my suicidality by half the internet.

so without getting into the rest of the last week. something is bad between her and her bf, I believe based on the ambiguous statements; she alluded to an intense conversation a few days ago that was why she didn't check in, and then was mostly unavailable the next day. she was there for me the anniversary of when Eugene walked out on me and that helped. but last night I was sad at her, it wasn't a huge long convo but I needed reassurance and she fumbled it and hurt me accidentally but landed there, I texted 'talk tomorrow?' and she didn't say yes or no but she didn't say no, y'know?

but she didn't text. and now I am starting to see a pattern.

and I'm really scared.

[superfluouskeys]

foot update/mental health stuff

so yesterday I went to what I call the overpriced grocery store which honestly is probably a normal priced grocery store these days but I do not wish to believe it, but anyway it’s the only grocery store I can reasonably walk to (and they have a few select items that are either reasonably priced or i will simply buy anyway bc too much of a hassle to get elsewhere) but bc there’s a lot of construction in that area the least insane way to get there is up about three flights of stairs LOL.  and while going upstairs is now more or less okay for me, going DOWNstairs is not, so I wasn’t sure if this adventure would be a good idea but……….i really needed some things LOL.

the grocery trip went really well – I put an ace bandage on my foot just in case and very much shuffled down the stairs leaning on the handrail but it didn’t hurt or anything I was just being extra cautious.  so when I got home I was like, wellllllllll, my foot is already wrapped and I feel good…………dance time???  and of course I was having so much fun even having to be extremely careful that I worked through several dances I thought I could probably handle, I puttered around and did some light cleaning, I paced my apartment a fair amount because idk I was jazzed by the prospect of physical activity LOL

and looking at my fitbit stats I guess I actually did a lot yesterday!  but I felt so good I wasn’t even thinking about it, so today my body is EXHAUSTED and all my stats are bad LOL!  but goddddddd it feels so good to be able to be physically active again, like I KNEW it was gonna be really bad when I hurt my foot, like that was the FIRST thing I thought and what got me so upset was just, this is the only thing keeping me sane, I am going to be so crazy if I can’t use exercise as a stress reliever – and I’ve been thinking a lot that I’m honestly pretty proud of myself for handling the situation as well as I have and not just completely crumbling lol, but even KNOWING that not exercising is a one-way ticket to crazytown I still had this moment yesterday where I was like oh wow I feel normal and not depressed suddenly!!! huh! wonder what could have caused this!

and granted forcing myself to take a few days off + engage in my hobbies was also a contributing factor but like…..I mostly spent Friday catching up on admin tasks and I was absolutely crazy about my class at like 1 am on Saturday morning, and usually just resting to calm down kind of takes a few days to take effect lol like I was pretty sure the extra days off were more of a band-aid to keep me from snapping than an actual solution. 

and idk I think there was some value in having to just……..sit with myself while I was upset.  like I cannot stress how often over the last few weeks I was just sitting in my chair with my foot elevated on another chair, violently sobbing, because I couldn’t even go for a walk LOL.  It was kind of wild to realize that even when I was absolutely spiraling there was still a very sound voice of reason that was just like calmly countering every crazy thought I had even when I couldn’t really feel the truth of it, and I think that’s a real testament to how far I’ve come. and it's also like......it kind of forced me to face what was and wasn't working for me instead of just using intense exercise to cope with it.  BUT I was also like passively suicidal the whole time LOL so it’s definitely better to have the option of physical activity that has maybe a 0.00001 percent failure rate for making me feel better instantly.

I still have to be very careful, and I really think the spectre of having to go back to the foot elevation chair of sorrows will keep me on my best behavior, but WOW this is really going to help me get through the rest of this term with my sense of self intact LOL!

[torialefay]

Hi Tori 💗

I found your blog a whiles back through your "Stray Kids as Doctors" post, and I love everything you make! I've read almost everything at least once (and re-read some things as well). I'm a student in pre-med, so I knew I had to follow you as soon as I saw that first post. It made my heart rate speed up a bit with happiness 💗

This may sound weird, so feel free to reject me (lol I promise I don't mind!), but would it be okay with you if I sent you a message to ask some questions about medical school and the application process? Again, no pressure. It would just be nice to hear from someone who is in psychiatry too (that also seems like a normal person haha). It gets confusing very easily, but I know I don't have to explain that to you lol.

Follow-up question: Do you ever mentally diagnose SKZ in your head? Sometimes I do, and I feel bad for doing it... But I can't help it. I have some theories 🫣 I guess we will never know though, which is good. 💗

hello sweetheart!!! first of all, that is so so so kind for you to say & thank you SO much for reading my silly lil posts. you absolutely no clue how much that means to me 🥹

feel free to message me ANY time. trust me, i know how hard it is to find people to talk to. it seems like everyone is hella busy (or just doesnt have time for our asses) so i promise anything you need, don't hesitate to send me a lil DM hehe 🤭 just make sure to send through DM instead of on my inbox here <3

okay SO, mentally diagnosing people in your head can definitelyyyyy get you into some trouble, especially in psych cases... so i very much try not to 😭 obviously in some people though, it's just so apparent that other people pick it up too and then it's like... okay yeah this is just how it is 😂

but as far as "diagnosing" physical and not mental-health related things, absolutely. i'm sitting here listening to chris talking ab all his struggles, meanwhile in my head being like: "oh okay so he definitely has this disorder and has just never been diagnosed." lol but it's just second nature. i'm sitting here like... he is the textbook case, how does he not know he has this?!?! idk idk i dont think it's really fair to talk ab undiagnosed health conditions though for random people on the internet, so maybe if you want, we can talk ab it through DM 😭😂

okay i got super carried away, but back to the point: yay i'm so glad you're here & yes pls message me any time!!! ❤️

[scentedchildnacho]

I am alright....i tried to pick a sleeping spot as homeless recommended it....there are over populations of males here and women have to learn immigration about split personality like a lot of light to be allowed color and appearance changes or male homosexual problems stalk everything single women do

Many single women have to learn police about protective custody or male homosexual neo Nazi problems stalk everything I do

Calling it split personality is maybe kind of overly moral but what is many languages for a single person someone that never learned slowly to trully connect with and love their origin

So I woke up at like three in the morning having to go to the bathroom really bad but I only drank around 32 ounces of water yesterday but I felt like I had been dosed with a diuretic

So I found out it's a place people pick up homosexual males for sex services apparently and if your around them they try to force public exposure

If your in that area weirdos call them so they will make you pee on someone that tries to mate at you

Compass stations claimed they were mentals but this tattoo intake chick had a sarcoma on her jaw till I almost yelled at her for being so stupid with body product

Stop putting the tattoo lotion care on your body you look like an aids tumor

Dugas.....you people never stop begging whites for money and turning financialism into an eve ill get away from me or white people will kill you

I dont know i have to love what my mother gave me and believe fixed astrological signs can like model types and not do things for myself but you all can mutilate your skin and get aids?

My lotion from compass station of course has paraffin....

So I won't be able to stay in escondido because if you won't have babies and get married they stalk women with men also....and if I ever again have to have gender theory so pro male affluance i would have to kill a single occupant vehicle

I had to have severe stomach cramps then sit in an adult diaper till if I have to see any worthless reefer thief that truly has no purpose for being around but trying to get a handicap I would have to do what they expect of young male homosexuals which is kill it

These old felons reefers are promised revenge housing and if I can't have family housing taxation I would have to finally help kill one instead of dump it into my hatred to see if it can survive it

All those families in India will they will be a royal democracy and have little millionaire lives

Anyway this Irish little lady in Alaska told me her man with her was a nomad so she here cannot have over a twelve inch waist

Run away from Escondido or no Irish will put ya in a Sylvia plath ward

They hate Irish people here

Its a male pick up spot and you have to endure pre emptive jail conditions or areas in any way naturally pleasant for men and Tarzan will club Jane and drag her away

Thats me about men they go through superiority testing compared to women and still stalk into schools when they aren't targeted as a race minority

Al jazeera and Arab news said Biden gave money to Israel so it appears to be Israelis......that feel they have a metanoia pharmaceutical market here

I don't understand any of it it appears a time warp to me I don't know any woman physically capable of five children that many births is a very rude expectation and one has to look at people like their a dictator advocate for expecting endurance

Margaret Mead and the great dust bowl...each generation smaller and fairer so michael ondaatje anje was a big boned woman and people almost thought she was a transexual.....

Vermin...it can be health food but if people can use financialism to horde things till their unsanitary they do so who is the surveyor

Nina carnell is a German artist that will play fair evil she enjoys experimenting on invertebrates and collecting erosion so trust me health food can really hurt you

I am okay people prayed more that I had more decent women acquaintances so I would prefer having slept better and moving on but people pray for more open protest of buy it now

The women mostly apologize to me that they feel like they steal from me they do have advanced physical needs and special cultures and shouldn't have to be here

It's been my experience that the physical handicaps are still owned by people who created their handicap so I would have to suggest places that the owners are like people who did it to them

My owner will keep moving me around until I'm also physically handicapped....I just view it as at least now I don't have to be a surgical...and do what I can before

I liked watching al jazeera people use to stalk me with hope that life would be normal again and now I don't ever have to believe that things will get better

Sure I would join the world food company though netanyahu will kill it....there is a high chance of unintentional casualty everywhere you go.....they believe that quitting addiction is a pain that truly enlightens them so it's by the minute some type of suicide bomb comes around

Its California and everyone has been hit by a drunk driver

I assured her I would be leaving....the shelters keep stalking me with coed policy and if staff in there is trained for a maximum security male jail I would rather smell bad then endure mens capability

They file you a male in Holocaust documents and will treat you like a piece of meat and I'm 43 I'm too old and weak to forgive systems for male only thinking

If even one man is around it will reek of feced viral conditions and they will vaccine is all health care is and steal all your gear

Its truly wrong to vaccine women women truly do sacrifice their income and military pension so children survive

[itsgrimeytime]

Home is Where the Heart is (Part Nine) || Farmer!Rick Grimes (TWD) x Teacher!GN!reader AU

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...

Taglist: @1tsk1tty

rick grimes taglist: @golden-hoax @mgparker @zomb-1-egutzz

AVAILABLE ON AO3

Inspiration: Like Real People Do by Hozier and Begin Again by Taylor Swift.

Summary: Your life was spinning out of control, you knew that. After a string of particularly shattering events, you decided it was time to start anew. With a little help from one of your Grandma's rentals, you found yourself in the small town of Alexandria. The last thing you expected was your neighbor, Rick Grimes.

TWs: teeny bit of jealousy, making out, and just not taking care of yourself.

[[A/N: This one has me twirling my hair and kicking my feet !!! Enjoy :))]]

You were staring at your computer screen, word document blinking back at you. Your head was starting to hurt, but you needed to do this.

To be fair you'd done a lot today, catching up from your... trip from Rick's.

You'd left later that day you'd told him, and it had been maybe two days since then. He hadn't come to see you, not yet, and you figured it was because of all the work you had to do. You'd told him about it, and he'd smiled at you a little sympatheticly -pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"You'll get it done, don't worry."

You smiled a little at the thought.

Before nearly throwing your head down onto your keyboard, the only reason you didn't was because you didn't want to smash into the keys. It had been a rough two days, you'd been holed up in your house for the entire time. Eating pathetic little tv dinners, and watching your favorite show to sleep to. Which, you weren't sleeping entirely well either-

There was a knock at your door then -startling yourself out of your thoughts.

You sighed. You were still in your pajamas from this morning and your hair was still mussed, you weren't the picture of health physically or mentally. Your eyebags must have been terrible-

Still, you dragged yourself to the door -pulling it open with a little extra effort.

And there, on your front porch, was one Rick Grimes.

He stood, looking good, hair messy in a nice sort of way and clothes nearly perfect -there was a little dirt but he suited it. Always had. You frowned at yourself in comparison.

"Hey," he spoke, rather breathlessly -before his eyes flickered over your face, "-you doin' alright? 'Aven't seen ya out since the other day."

You huffed out, eyes skimming across him, "How do you do that, Grimes?"

He furrowed his eyebrows, blue eyes looking at you with concern, "Do what?"

You waved your hand at him -motioning to his entire figure, "You're covered in dirt, but you are still one of the most attractive people on the planet. Why is that?"

He laughed a little, hand coming up to rub the back of his neck, "People say the beard ain't too good, if 'at helps."

"People are 100% wrong," you responded -almost on instinct.

He laughed a little, maybe even a little nervously. Blue eyes flickering over your face.

You paused, almost shrinking in on yourself, "That was too much, wasn't it?"

"No, no, never-" he soothed, hands finding their way onto your shoulders, "-just ain't used to it."

"Well," you laughed, "-that's insane, first of all. Secondly, are you sure? I haven't been sleeping well lately, and my mouth just goes on autopilot-"

"Ya 'aven't been sleeping?"

Shit.

"I have," you responded, a little in regret, "-just not more than a few hours."

Rick frowned, eyes scattering over you -particularly trailing over your eyebags, "Can I come in?"

"Oh, right, I'm sorry-" you rambled, moving some steps back, "-Yeah, of course. Come in."

He laughed a little moving into the space, facing away from you as his eyes littered over the space, "'S okay, ya don't need to apologize, baby. Your mind's everywhere I get it."

You stuttered to a stop for a moment.

Right, he called you that now.

Deep breaths, you reminded yourself, it's way too early in the relationship to have those kinds of thoughts.

You cleared your throat, slightly gathering yourself, and closed the door.

"Where are the kids?" You questioned, absent-mindedly.

Rick was over in your kitchen, hands drifting over some of the TV dinner boxes -you really hadn't been picking up. It wasn't a good past few days, to be fair.

"With 'eir Mom," he echoed, staring thoughtfully at them. And with a breath, he scooped them into the trash, "-'ey go one weekend a month."

Briefly wondering why it was so short, you refocused. You paused, a little guiltily, "You really don't have to do that, Rick. It's my mess-"

"'Is what ya been eatin'?" He questioned, ignoring your remark, assumedly.

You frowned, a little in disappointment at yourself, "Uh, yeah. I've been um... really busy the past few days."

Rick's eyes flicked up to you before he waltzed over to the desk. Looking at your word document and the slew of papers surrounding it. It was messy, and very evident of your current state of mind -sticky notes of all colors slapped on all kinds of papers, all over the screen of your computer.

It looked like chaos.

You could see him frown a moment, hand drifting over the paper -careful not to shuffle any of it, "How long ya been at it?"

"Basically the whole time," you answered, a little quieter, "-sans eating and sleeping."

Rick hummed, blue eyes peering at it all -intently. The stacks were pretty incriminating. The colorful and, somehow at its core, organized really did look like the work of a crazy person. Or maybe crazy exhausted.

"I... School starts really soon," you offered -a weak explanation.

He ignored you again, or maybe just chose not to comment, "No breaks?"

You decided to not answer that.

He looked up at you then, reading your eyes. Before decidedly frowning, roaming back up to you. You swallowed, not really certain of his prerogative.

Instead, though, he sighed a deep sigh before his hands came up to hold your face -calloused fingertips brushing against your skin.

"Ya eaten today at least?"

You nervously smiled, apologetically.

"Baby," he stressed out, concern flitted through his eyes, "-'s almost time for supper-"

Your brain hinged on the pet name again, before you shook your mind clear of it.

"I know, I know," you conceded, "-I've been trying, really-"

"How many times ya eat a day?"

You bit your lip, a little hesitant -his blue eyes stayed insistent, you were weak-willed, "Once."

Rick frowned again, before leaning forward to kiss your forehead -softly, repeating, "Don't worry, Imma take care of ya."

Something in you softened, ever so slightly. You leaned into the touch of his hands, his woodsy scent, and the warmth of his skin padding through your head.

He seemed to notice, a little smile smoothing across his face -before leaning forward to press a kiss onto your cheek (his beard left a pleasant little buzz against your skin). You smiled a little at it, and he grinned back.

Still holding you there, he hummed, "Ya want food or sleep first?"

You pursed your lips, "Well, it's already almost time to sleep for the night. So, I guess food?"

"Good idea," he lowered his hands -intertwining your hands and guiding you to the kitchen, "-ya wanna help?"

You paused, halting his steps. He spun around to meet your eyes -curiosity sparking in the blues of his irises. You pursed your lips, smiling apologetically.

"Hate to break it to you, loverboy," you laughed a little nervously, "-but there's nothing in there."

He waited a moment, disconnecting your hands and fully facing you. Eyes heavily trained on you, you had the spare thought that you could write poems about them. Something about being lost at sea, probably.

"Nothin'?"

You smiled again, the same sort of way.

Rick's eyes flickered over you a moment, before seeming to settle something in his head.

"Then," he spoke -decided like you couldn't disagree, "-'s go to the store."

"Rick," you tried, "-you don't have to-"

Before you could finish another word, he ushered you back into your room -leaving you with a short 'Get ready.' There was frankly no reason to fight it, so with a breath you got ready. He was waiting outside of your door -smiling big and wide at you in a better state.

"Ya clean up nice, darlin'."

You rolled your eyes, not without a smile, and waltzed out the door.

Before you could go anywhere though, Rick ushered you into his house and fished out some leftovers -homemade, of course. You'd like to say it was an offering, but it really just wasn't. He stood there the whole time, chatting, but intently making sure you finished them. Not pushing you past your limit, mind you, you really were hungry and Rick was a frustratingly good cook. His hospitality (or probably his caring) really was beyond comprehension.

All that led you to now, roaming the aisles as Rick followed dutifully with the cart. His eyes never really left you, though.

"What exactly am I looking for?"

You turned to him -curiously, you found his eyes already steady on you with a sort of look that you couldn't quite name. Something fond. His arms were on full display as he leaned forward onto the handle -you were kind of struck silent as well. Literally how-

"Whatever ya what, darlin'," he answered -simply.

You don't know what it was, but you suddenly understood just what he planned. Maybe it was his tone? You weren't sure.

"Rick," you laughed a little, "-you know that I'm buying this, right?"

He hummed, "What if I want to?"

"Rick-"

Before you could finish, a woman approached the two of you -gray hair in tendrils down the sides of her face, and bright blue eyes. She smiled at Rick.

You went a little rigid.

"Rick!" she grinned out, patting his arm slightly, "-it's great to see you, what brings you here today?"

He motioned to you, deep accent peeking out, "'Just gettin' 'em some groceries."

"Oh my," the woman smiled -big and wide, moving toward you, "-is this the infamous Y/N?"

Rick laughed a little, hand coming to rub the back of his neck. Everything in you softened.

"Hi!" She greeted, wrapping you into a hug -you were a little startled, but reciprocated, "-I'm Carol, I run this place. Rick's told me a lot about you."

She spoke a little teasingly you could tell. You wondered for a second what exactly he'd said. But only for a second.

"Y/N, not that you need it apparently," you laughed, "-and all good things, I hope?"

Carol grinned -a little mischievously, "Great things."

You bit down a smile, her eyes smoothed across it a moment. Smiling somehow brighter, she stepped back, letting out a sigh.

"Well, don't let me impose anymore," she apologized, "-I've got some work to get back to. Enjoy your shopping, you two."

After she left, you gently tilted your head toward him and Rick huffed out a breath -expectant.

"You talk about me, loverboy?"

"Don't start," he warned, but he was smiling -you couldn't take him seriously.

You laughed, looking at him -pointedly, "I'll break you one day, Grimes. And then, you'll be sorry."

Rick just grinned at you, big and bright. It made your knees a little weak, you wondered how long it would. Maybe forever.

You blinked suddenly, forever?

"Anyway," you swallowed, clearing your throat, and spinning to the dairy section -a little frantically, "-do I need any of the basics, you think?"

He furrowed his eyebrows at your actions, but seemingly just wrote it off. Thank god.

"Just bread," he answered.

Your hands hovered above the milk a minute, pursing your lips, "Why n-"

"Who do ya think their local supplier is?"

Right, your mind chimed, a farmer. You debated briefly if there was something, anything really, more attractive than a man working with his hands. Down in the dirt. Sweat dripping down his brow-

Needless to say, you couldn't come up with anything.

"That doesn't mean I shouldn't buy them," you retorted.

"Baby," he replied as if it was obvious, laughing a little at you, "-I'll just give ya some."

"Rick," you leveled, looking at him in disbelief, "-you don't have to-"

"I want to," he repeated -simply, "-also wanna buy all 'is for ya."

"Seriously, I can't ask you to do both."

He pursed his lips, looking at you -thoughtfully, "Not askin' me."

"Rick."

"Just 'is one time," he nearly begged, you were a little stunned, "-if Imma take care of ya, Imma do it properly."

"I do have money, you know," you laughed a little -will weakening.

"I kno'," he confirmed, looking at you in that same type of way he always did. Something you still couldn't label. Something soft and vulnerable.

You sighed, "Fine, but I owe you one."

"No," he contradicted, "-ya don't."

"Rick, come on-"

He left the front of the cart, slowly sauntering to your side, gently placing his hands on your shoulders, "Please, let me do 'is for ya."

His eyes were set on yours, a little pleading. And once again you wondered if you could sit down and write a poem about them. You could think of a few lines now: eyes so blue I'm lost in the ocean tides, can't survive without you by my side-

You blinked, refocusing on Rick in front of you.

"Okay, okay," you surrendered, "-fine. You can do it. I'll let you."

He laughed a little at that, smile so wide, "Thank ya for bein' so kind."

You laughed too then before your eyes settled. Rick was very close to you, you could just barely feel the puffs of his breath on your skin, the thrum of his body heat, his woodsy smell that seemed to follow him around everywhere. If he just leaned a little forward-

You swallowed, clearing your throat, "Anyway, we uh... we should get going, huh? If we're going to make... um, dinner."

Rick smiled at you, a little like he thought you were adorable (and maybe like he was blinking the the same sort of haze out of his eyes), "Yeah, 's go."

By the time you got back home, it was already dark out -the orange tones of the sunset long gone. Rick mostly brought in the bags, not because you didn't want to, but because he was Rick. And maybe you didn't mind watching him flex his muscle a bit, but he didn't have to know that-

"Where do you want to start?" You looked down and around at all the bags that littered your kitchen floor. It was a small kitchen, yeah, but still. It was a lot.

You'd tried to convince Rick you didn't need all of this stuff, you wouldn't cook it. But all he said was: "Invite me over, I'll cook for ya."

"'S your house," he teased, before crouching -eyes slinking over all of them, thoughtfully.

"Ha ha," you deadpanned, leaning down to put one of them up (bread) and placing it on the counter, "-see if I ask for your help again, Grimes."

Rick looked up at you grinning, and something shot straight to your toes. You gnawed at your lip for a moment, before turning your attention back to the bags (you ignored the chuckle you could hear rumble through his chest).

"Frozen first," you decided -abruptly, "-that good?"

"Sounds good to me," he smiled, standing back up.

With a breath, you gathered what you could and placed them along the counter; Rick stood by the fridge, so he'd have to put them in. You preferred not to shuffle into his side in the tiny little space there was, even though it was very tempting.

The worst part was probably constantly feeling his eyes on you -steady and consistent. You weren't sure how he was even getting anything done with how much his eyes bored into your side. It was making your head swirl a little, and then... back in the grocery store-

You needed to clear your head.

You cleared your throat, "Hey, Rick? I'm going to um, step outside a minute. Need some air."

He looked at you, concern flickering through his face, "Everythin' alright?"

"What, yeah," you laughed -awkwardly, "-What wouldn't be... right?"

Rick stopped in his tracks a moment, blue eyes flickering over your face. Before he decidedly started crossing over bags to get to you. Your feet stayed steeled in place, and despite your wish to, you weren't moving an inch. You briefly wondered how he could tell, but then again, you were a terrible liar.

"What's wrong?"

He asked it so genuinely, eyebrows pulled down and blue eyes so concerned. You were done for from the start.

"You-" you rambled, words slipping out of your mouth, "-Were you going to kiss me? Back in the grocery store? If not, that's fine but I just thought, maybe... Well, I assumed, really-"

Rick laughed a little bit -rumbling through his chest, mindlessly moving his hand to tilt your face up. His eyes locked onto yours a moment, and you felt the words falter to a stop.

He smiled at it, blue eyes briefly dipping to watch your mouth stop. It made your heart leap into your throat.

"Did ya want me to kiss ya in the grocery store?" He questioned, a lilt of teasing in his voice, but something else ever-so-serious.

You swallowed, breath hollow in your chest -only thing capable of coming out of your mouth was a whisper, "I, um... Not there."

"Can't 'ear ya, baby," he hummed out, and you felt your heart skip a beat.

"I didn't," you spoke up, a little breathlessly, "-not... not there."

"And what about 'ere?"

"Where?"

"In your kitchen," he clarified, smiling but something in his gaze much more direct, "-Do ya want me to kiss you 'ere?"

It slipped out of your mouth, before you could stop it, "Do you really need to ask that?"

Rick laughed, something in his eyes softening, "You're unbelievable, ya know 'at?"

"In a good way?"

Something in his eyes twinkled, "A great way."

There was a breath then, laughter dissipating through the air. All it left was you and Rick, and the crook of his finger under your chin -guiding you to his eyes.

"Rick?" You questioned -a little distracted.

"Yeah?" He offered, seemingly very the same.

You inhaled a breath, all woodsy and all Rick, "Kiss me."

He stared at you for a moment longer, like he was taking you in, and then he ducked his head to meet yours.

It was a slow kiss, sweet really. The tingle of his beard against your skin scratched for just a second, but then you thought the positives outweighed the negatives. He was practiced, slowly parting his lips for long, languid kisses that sent sparks into your stomach.

Your hands mindlessly moved to wrap around his neck -fingers intertwining with his hair. He let out the teeniest little noise at that and it made your heart leap into your throat. Still, your fingers stayed, and you heard the noise grumble through his chest again. It made your brain turn a little fuzzy, and even more so when his hands fell to your waist.

Every separation, he'd just pull you back -after one mere breath. A little like he couldn't stop. To be fair, you were sure you could either. Just kiss, after kiss, after kiss, after kiss.

Your brain was melted in your head, all you could think about was Rick and his lips and his tongue swirling around yours -still so slow. Like he was treasuring you. Taking care of you, if you will.

"Rick," you breathed out, pulling back -laughing a little, "-I'm starting to get dizzy."

"I'll hold ya up," he offered before pressing his lips to yours again -taking the words right out of your mouth.

You laughed a little, and so did he -making it all teeth. But you didn't really mind.

Finally, he pulled back -blue eyes lazily settling on you. His lips were a little bruised red, and you imagined yours were too.

"It's not fair, loverboy," you patted his chest -stepping back slightly, but his hands on your waist kept you in place.

"What?"

"You cannot be a good kisser too," you remarked, "-that's not fair to anybody else."

He laughed again, head tilting up, but you could see a bit of red on the tips of his ears, "Ya must really think I'm attractive, huh?"

"What," you asked, twirling your fingers into some loose curls in front of his ears, "-you think I'm lying?"

"I'm just... hesitant to believe ya."

"Humble too," you teased, gently pushing the curl behind his ear, "-How are you even real? Am I dreaming?"

"'Could be," he grinned at you, "-I'd 'ave to be dreamin' too, though."

"Why?"

"'Cause you're somethin' I'd only get in my dreams," he complimented, so genuinely it made your head spin.

"Hate to break it to you, Grimes," you hummed, hands coming up to lay on his beard -almost fidgeting with it, "-but I am, tragicly, very real."

"Not tragic," he mended, quickly -almost on instinct, "-Amazin', wonderful even."

You smiled at him, something warm bubbling up in your chest before looking down at the bags. You sighed out, but did not move an inch.

"We really gotta put this stuff away."

He hummed, not moving either, "Do we?"

"Yes," you laughed a little, "-I can't just have these on my floor. Plus, we didn't even get all the frozen stuff put away."

Rick sighed, gently taking your face in his hands -kissing you once solidly, "'S get to it, then."

It was a quick process when you weren't... distracted. And by the time you were done, it was very much past dinner time.

You yawned, and he carefully watched the movement.

"Ya tired?"

"Very," you answered, wiping at your eyes.

He seemed to pause for a moment, before gently intertwining your hands, "Wanna go to mine?"

"I thought-" you started, blinking the sleep out of your eyes.

"Ya sleep better wit' me anyways," he hummed, trying to convince you, "-Plus, I can't stay 'ere, kids are coming home tomorrow."

"Do I need to grab pajamas?"

"Nah," he smiled, pulling you into his side, "-ya can wear some of mine. Like ya in 'em anyway."

You laughed, as he brought you to his house. Taking you all the way to the bed, his bed, guiding you a little like a lighthouse. There was something poetic in that, ocean blue eyes and guiding you like a lighthouse. You were too tired to think of it.

And as you laid your head on his chest, hearing the thump of his heartbeat and thrum of body heat under his skin, you thought to yourself that this might just be the best sleep of your life.

Absentmindedly, his arm tightened you into his side.

Yeah, you decided, I have very high hopes.

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

Yeah Yeah, The Limerence, We've All Seen It.

Soooo... I've been loopy enough this week to almost break my own rules about "don't post anything about the Muse that's both weird and obviously identifiable" and that feels like a sign to maybe examine what's going on.

(Extensive, eye-wateringly boring feels under the cut.)

I've been sick, and apparently my inner adolescent has been louder than usual. When I was actually a teenager, being sick enough to stay home was always a mixed bag because on the one hand, given that I was on track for burnout by that point in my life, I desperately needed the rest. But on the other hand... Lowell. Enjoy catching up on lecture notes and homework if you miss more than one day in a row. Things are probably more seamless now with the internet fully integrated into people's lives. But back in my day- (yeah okay I'm cutting myself off here, that's not the point of this entry)

The point here is that being sick with a bunch of projects weighing on my mind has probably brought me back to that same headspace I was in during high school. Annnd what did I do to self-soothe when I was in high school? Obsess over my first Muse, of course. I was not exactly discreet about that one; in fact I was pretty embarrassingly fucking loud about it in a way that I was not for pretty much anything else in my life. I am very lucky it only came off as "cute/funny" rather than "yikes/we need to stage an intervention".

And here we are again. Stressed and sick, a little loopy, and wanting to wear my heart on my sleeve like a highschooler.

Ahhhh, limerence. Where would the world of art and music be without you? I mean, what else are you really gonna do with those feelings anyway. May as well sublimate them into creative output. Dante's Beatrice comes to mind, or Shakespeare's Fair Youth. I also think about Berlioz being instantly, absolutely bonkers obsessed with Harriet Smithson... until he later discards her for someone younger and sends her on a downward spiral that ruins her mental and physical health. Acting on these feelings doesn't always go well in real life. I'm well aware.

I've noticed that a lot of self-help material these days models limerence as an "addiction", and recommends going cold-turkey on the person in question to get over it as soon as possible. And look, I'm not going to claim that this shit is totally healthy; I think it's telling that a lot of us who have c-PTSD find ourselves dealing with limerence more often than the rest of the general population. But at the same time calling it an "addiction" (especially with all the moral baggage that comes with that word) feels... off.

Would that make me a "functional addict"? I don't feel like that's the right description for my situation. It's not like being in limerence is holding me back from my full potential right now--quite the opposite. I'm finding my way again after years of feeling lost, thanks at least in part to the Muse. I still have some hangups about the whole "am I doing this for him or am I doing it for me" thing, but I'm hoping that if I can keep this going long enough I can find a way to truly believe in myself as a creative being. And weirdly enough this whole thing has been helping me articulate some stuff about my gender identity. Also it's kind of... led to me having a better body-image? I dunno if it was just some background-level dysphoria that got resolved when I figured some things out about my gender, or what. But it's difficult to look at this whole experience and be like, "yeah, I should definitely stop thinking about him and go do something else with my life". Is that even possible at this point?

Also I don't completely jibe with this whole "you don't actually want to know what your limerent object is really like, you'll be in denial about them as a person even if you try to get to know them" idea because I feel like that's not true in this case. (It was true for the Muses I had when I was especially vulnerable, but it's not been true for all of them.) I would dearly love to meet this Muse in real life, to get to know the person whose artistic output inspired me so. Even if it meant confronting a contradiction between the real flesh-and-blood person and the image I've built up in my head. But I also realize the chances of that ever happening are... slim. I'm strange and off-putting and I come from a very different world than the one he inhabits. I am aware that I'm not everyone's favorite flavor.

Admittedly though... the whole "he'll probably be mildly repulsed by me and my depraved ways" thing has also been fodder for my fantasies. I have a bit of a corruption kink and he seems so adorably wholesome in a way that makes the blood pulse a little harder behind my canines, LOL. So I can't say with complete confidence that I'm being "realistic" about what I'd come off to him as--I might still be feeding a very specific fantasy dynamic in my head.

Over-analyzing this shit is also pretty emblematic of limerence. Ha!

I also have to wonder how much of the over-dramatic-ness of these limerent crushes is due to being aspec. Once puberty was over, I gradually stopped finding people attractive on sight and settled into being mostly demisexual. That's my primary model for how relationships and dating work for me; I have to get to know someone a little bit in order to figure out if there's going to be chemistry at all.

But the Muses do not fit this model. Aside from meeting one of my Muses by talking online, the rest of them blindsided me with feelings of immediate attraction. It's just so far outside my normal wheelhouse I hardly know what to do with myself. But also... it's hard not to ascribe some kind of significance to it, to find something special in experiencing this facet of the human condition. You feel so alive and the world seems to vibrate with possibility. Even the pain that comes with limerent desire still feeds the fire of my soul in a way that few other things do.

I believe the real peril is in deciding what to do with those feelings. Maybe don't get up from the audience in the middle of a play and yell at your limerent object onstage that you're gonna marry her (*glares at Berlioz*). I think the most ridiculous shit I've done while in limerence with someone has come about because I was incredibly vulnerable and had no room to spare emotionally to step back for a reality check. I'm hoping that I have the wherewithal this time around to keep myself from being stupid... mostly.

But that's why I have such a wide anonymity moat around my brainrot. I don't want a chance search leading to the Muse wondering for the rest of his career who in his audience wants to drink his blood sdfghjksdfghjks. I just need to make sure I stick with this even if I'm brain-fogged or hopped up on Benadryl.

[foxingpeculiar]

Some diary blogging, I guess.

I’ve mentioned my mental health on here a little bit. I don’t have a diagnosis (in that I have several, and they’re all blind men describing the elephant.) Essentially what I’ve gathered over 30 years of medical intervention is that my brain and modern life just don’t jive well.

Part of what that has meant, historically, is occasionally hitting these big crises points and just kind of breaking down and blowing things up. Most of my adult life has been trying to find a way to build bulwarks against that impulse, to find peace and stability in myself. And if I’m going to wander, to do it thoughtfully.

But man, that’s been tested recently. The last few months have been a BIG shift/upheaval, both in circumstance and existentially. And in fairness/all honesty, I’m not doing great. I feel physically sick most days and there’s a constant, low-key thrum of panic in my brain that’s making organized thinking VERY difficult.

But it’s going to be okay. I had to ask my mother to co-sign an apartment today—apparently, probably due to some decisions I made in my 20s—my credit score was juuuust below the limit the rental company requires. She said yes immediately because I’m privileged to have a materially-solid support system. (That’s a big part of why I’m ok as I am, I readily admit, and I’m not trying to be comparative here.) But she kind of joked “I know you’re not going to skip town on me,” in the process.

Which got me thinking, cos like… given my history that’s definitely a non-zero possibility. Am I earning that trust?

But I am. It’s gonna be okay. As much as I’m losing my shit internally right now (and I do feel like my mind is hanging on by a thread sometimes), outwardly, I am handling things. Maybe there’s a small stumble or two, but I’m doing absolutely better than I have in the past. And there is an other side I can, on some level, see. Which is reassuring, that I can trust myself to kind of put my head down and get there. I’m a lot older than I’d like, feeling that, but fuck it, I’ll take it where I can.

I had some conflict about posting this. I write things like this from time to time and then immediately retreat from them on this “no one cares, mind your business,” public/private concerned impulse. But fuck it, it feels like there’s some value in saying things out loud once in a while and I wanna make space for that.

[bylightofdawn]

WIP Wednesday?

Okay I missed WIP Sunday and definitely was in no place to work om anything on Monday so have a belated WIP Sunday.

FAIR WARNING, there are some very heavy topics being discussed in this snippet, including suicide and a very based and unhealthy attitude towards suicide which I certainly don't encourage and believe as the writer but it feels pretty in keeping with the character's rather severe attitude towards such things. Just, please be mindful of your mental health.

Aside from this, it marks a sort of turning point for Cody and Slick's contentious relationship. They aren't gonna come out of this as besties but maybe they will manage to make it through the trip without strangling one another. As always it's super rough and has not be edited or looked over, etc.

Cody was too busy having his emotional breakdown to really acknowledge that, and he hastily rubbed at his eyes to try and wipe the evidence of tears away.

“I’ve been questioning for months why we would have gunned down Kenobi as we did. He was our General and we loved him.” The unspoken 'I loved him' resounded in the air, unstated but very much present all the same.

Slick, who had made his disdain for the Jedi abundantly clear, didn’t even offer any commiserating attempts at offering comfort. A part of Cody almost respected that. He would have been more offended if he’d tried to give him some osik about how Kenobi had been one of the good ones.

“You can blame those damn cloners for that. And the newly crowned Emperor. He was apparently playing us all the entire time. We are just pawns on his personal dejarik. A part of me could almost admire the long con if I didn’t want to shoot him in the head repeatedly. But that ain’t happening.”

Cody sucked in a sharp breath of air because it made much sense. The at the time Supreme Chancellor had reached out to him on his personal comm and had informed him to execute Order 66 and from there, everything had grown hazy and his memories from there on were almost completely obscured and impossible to focus on.

“He comm’d me. That bastard comm’d me and told me to execute Order 66 so he knew exactly what he was doing.”

“Yeah, that holds true of a lot of clones who have been extracted. They got that order, turned on their Jedi, and just massacred them.”

Cody physically flinched at those blunt words.

Slick frowned and fiddled with some buttons on the control panel of the ship.

“Look, why don’t you go back to medical and try and get some rest. I won’t pull anything, Won’t try and restrain you, but that arm of yours is still infected as hell, and you know what the medics always said about how important rest was to recover. And I’m sure you don’t want me to watch you fall apart. So I’m willing to give you some privacy to do that." Slick said without glancing in Cody's direction.

"Just…tell me know where your head is at? You’re not going to do something stupid like try and find a blaster or something sharp and do some kind of ridiculous attempt at redemption by taking your own life or anything? Are you a danger to yourself? Cause, that’s happened and I don’t want to clean up any more blood from my ship.”

Cody scoffed audibly. “I’m sure that would be a major inconvenience for you.”

“I already told you, I hate your guts but I don’t want you dead. We all have our paths to redemption and trying to save as many brothers as I can is mine. I also would like to think you’re not a coward who would take the easy way out but I could be wrong.”

“I’m not going to kill myself. I’m going to find a way to kill the kriffing Emperor and anything else who helped him screw us over.”

“An admirable goal but a foolish one. But everyone needs a purpose in life even if it one fueled by hatred I guess.”

That statement rubbed him the wrong way and Cody could practically heart the ghost of Obi-Wan’s voice in the back of his mind cautioning that hatred was just the path to the Dark Side and a lecture he’d given to Skywalker more than once.

But he wasn’t going to share that with Slick.

He pushed himself to his feet, feeling creaky and old as poor 99 in that moment.

“Try and eat the food I left you too? I’ll check on you later and see how you’re doing.”

“Don’t bother. Just let me know when we leave hyperspace and we’re on approach to wherever we’re going.”

“You’re not the boss of me or my CO anymore, Cody.”

“I don’t…care, do whatever you want.” He mumbled as he left the cockpit, suddenly desperate to put some distance between the shabuir and himself.

Cody made it to the med bay without any incident and eyed the food Slick had left him with little appetite. He realized suddenly what he wanted more than food itself, even if his stomach did rumble at the sight of it, was a trip to the refresher. He wanted to wash the embedded dirt and grime from himself because the idea of climbing back into that bed as filthy as he felt was unbearable.

He found what looked to be a com relay and pressed the button. “Hey, Slick? You got a refresher on this bucket of bolts?”

“Don’t insult my baby like that. But I do have one attached to the bunk room. Unlocking it now, don’t go through any of my stuff.”

“I couldn’t care less what kind of weird holoporn you’re interested in.” He sassed him tiredly as he turned back around to where he’d encountered the closed door before, which he’d thought might be the personal quarters on the ship.

He found the sonic readily enough. It wasn’t anything fancy and Cody found himself missing actual water showers because the heat and pressure of the water pounding on his shoulders might have loosened some of his tension but he wasn’t going to look a gift bantha in the mouth.

He stripped the spare set of clothing that Slick had dressed him in and stepped under the sonic and pushed the button to activate them. The familiar queer sensation of being ultrasonic vibrations hit his body. He knew some Natborns complained about having to use sonic showers, but he’d probably taken more of them than actual showers in his life. An actual shower with water was a rare luxury and the GAR hadn’t cared overly much about supplying luxuries to their soldiers.

Still, after weeks of not having a proper hygiene routine, this was practically the lap of luxury. He could feel the sweat and grime evaporating from his body and leaving him feeling the cleanest he’d felt in weeks.

If he tarried overly long in the sonic and had a fresh new emotional breakdown, that was no one’s business but his own. The sonic cleared tears away as easily as it cleared grime.

When Cody finally recovered enough to face the world again, he stepped out of the sonic shower only to discover Slick must have come in and traded out the clothes he’d given him before with a fresh pair as well as a set of fresh bacta patches and bandage. He also found a toothbrush and a tube of depil cream. The urge to slather it on his face and get rid of the itchy beard he’d been growing for the past few weeks was very tempting, but better sense won out.

The beard would help hide his instantly recognizable clone face somewhat, so he opted to keep it for now until he could figure out a better solution. He struggled a bit with trying to re-wrap his arm after he’s slapped a fresh bacta patch on his wound.

It was still a pretty gruesome sight and was puffy and leaking serous fluid. At least it wasn’t the same cloudy, smelly pus that had been leaking from the wound before. More importantly, those angry red lines tracing his blood vessels had faded so he suspected the risk of septicemia was past him.

Cody couldn’t believe the only thing standing between and death had been the most basic of medical supplies. In that moment, he understood Slick’s motivation for wanting to help as many brothers as he could. Because how many of them were out there living rough and on the run unable to escape Coruscant and other planets?

As much as he wanted to find a way to kill Palpatine, he suddenly understood why there were so many clones involved in this shadow operation Slick was part of.

When he closed his eyes, he could almost picture that frustratingly enigmatic but pleased smile Obi-Wan frequently had whenever someone figured out whatever obscure point he’d been trying to make without saying it. He hadn’t been a frequent recipient of it but he’d certainly seen Skywalker and others get it more than a few times over the years.

Pain blossomed anew in his chest like an exquisite flower comprised of razorblades and limed in acid.

He had to take a couple of deep breaths to compose himself before cleaning up after himself, and he made his way toward the med bay once more.