#okay I’m gonna go and cry again out of so much gratitude and love LOL

[kedsandtubesocks]

@toomanytookas M sweet friend…we’re not just holding hands as I speak but I’m embracing you so so tight I’ve been trying to gather and compose myself to write a reply to this but everytime I do I honestly get so overwhelmed and emotional in the best ways???

I was so worried when I first posted this fic because of how different the AU was but to know it got to reach you, being you so much sweetness and joy is honestly worth more than you’ll ever know 💕💖💌

AND OKAY FOR YOU TO ENJOY DIETERS GHOST PUN JOKE IM MAKING US MATCHING DIETER KEYCHAINS AS WE SPEAK!!!

Also - If I could I would bake you a cake or maybe a dozen but even then it wouldn’t do my thanks for you justice! These two were such a chaotic but fun time to write and you’re honestly inspiring me to take a dive back into this world just for you (im not kidding)

Wow this is just…wow… truly absolutely honored and humbled by your words and I wish more than ever dieter could appear in your living room so he too can play a round of Mario kart with you 😭

Thank you…so much…from the bottom of my heart I’m so grateful for you 🩷💞💝💕💘💖💗💓💝💕💘

Go Play Your Video Games

Summary: As a small time gaming streamer, you like your little cozy corner online. But when a subscriber donates a couple of thousand during a charity stream, he swears it’s because he’s an actor. You know the rule about never truly trusting anything on the internet. So there’s no way an actual actor can be watching you stream, right?

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x YouTuber!Reader

Word Count: 11.4K

Rating: M (18+ only)

Warnings: slight phone sex and allusions to sex, drug mentions, if there is anything I’ve missed please let me know (also sorry no beta reader we embrace the chaos the way dieter would)

A/N: Ok so, reader has a YouTube channel name and nickname but I promise it connects to the story so I just wanted to give that heads up! Second there are game references but nothing extreme or that you need to know for reading this. Third yes the title is based off the song ‘video games’ but i highly recommend Trixie Mattel’s cover of it! Fourth and final this is for @skeletoncowboys and @lowlights - my two lovely angels I truly can’t thank you both enough… this would not be here without y’all, you two are my guiding stars

and to you reading this, thank you 💜

Dieter is worried as balls he’s going to be late.

His manager has been talking for so long now that the dude sounds like a parent from a Charlie Brown special, just mumbling muffled crap that Dieter hasn’t even been listening to since fifteen minutes ago.

“Dieter. Dieter, man are you even paying attention?” His manager snaps and Dieter waves half heartedly at him.

“No.” He answers truthfully while his eyes stay focus on the other side of his laptop screen where the YouTube page is opened. Fuck he’s thankful the screen hasn’t changed. His eyes even stopped trying to flicker between the zoom meeting and the YouTube window. Now he just flat out patiently stares at the load screen buffering. 

“You know what, fine. We’ll just figure this out tomorrow.” His poor manager sighs giving up.

“Yeah I know. I said earlier we should have discussed this tomorrow but whatever, okay bye!” Dieter cries happily and immediately clicks out of the zoom meeting to maximize the other window. The screen however suddenly freezes in the process. 

“God damnit shitty hotel wifi!” Dieter screams horrified, scary movie worthy. 

It’s just a snag of a moment but it is costing him time. He now scrambles to try and do something, anything, to bring the screen to life.

Because he’s been waiting for this moment. 

A face reveal. Your face reveal. 

You normally did all your ‘let’s play’ game streams faceless. You mentioned how you wanted everyone to focus on the game while also admitting that you felt a bit self conscious about showing your face. 

But then the charity stream collab came. 

“If you guys donate and we make it past one thousand dollars I’ll do it. I’ll do a face reveal stream. And who knows, maybe I’ll do a few more if we reach anything past our goal.”

You announced that during the stream a few weeks ago while your character ran around the Sim’s. 

Dieter did not hesitate. He donated the entire thousand himself and added two extra thousand dollars just in case. He even recorded the moment it happened because it was so damn cute. You were so damn cute. 

On stream when you suddenly saw the amount you cough out whatever you were taking a sip from. It made him laugh.

“Okay DB Blaster what the HELL?” Your reaction? Saying his user name? One of his top ten favorite moments of all time for sure.

Now the face reveal stream is here.

He already knows you’re probably beautiful, just knows because he can tell. The energy and aura you give off? Yeah he knows you’re gorgeous. Plus his actors’s intuition is no joke.

But now he gets to know what color your eyes are, how your face looks when it lights up when you laugh. 

And the damn stupid hotel wifi is fucking up his entire LIFE. 

As if nothing, the laptop screen unfreezes and there, the stream pops up. Dieter thinks he actually hears angels singing as the stream loads. 

“Come ON!” He screams at the laptop so tempted to shake it. 

And then, there you are. 

You sit on a cozy gaming chair. The light of your bedroom bathes you in a golden glow as you grin warm. It damn near twinkles in your eyes. 

Dieter inhales so fast his head goes dizzy. His heart suddenly jumps wild as hell in his chest and he’s worried it might fly out of his ass.

Because yeah he knew you were going to be pretty, but he didn’t think you’d be down right gorgeous.

He sits stunned in the nice hotel chair.

A piece of him thinks about that one podcast he listened to on how YouTube culture is meant to distract the masses so the alien overlords could take over easier. But right now he thinks the alien overlords could show up, burn his hotel room down and he wouldn’t give a rats ass. He wouldn’t even move from his chair. 

Because there you are, separated by millions of pixels and glass screens always. And fuck, you are beautiful and his heart now soars far out of his chest.

Dieter happily grabs from the snack pile he curated to perfection for this event. He mindlessly shoves cheezits into his mouth. The salty cheese snack is enough to finally snap him out of the trance you put him under and immediately type something in your chat. 

Streaming started off as a half joke to you. 

During the peak of the pandemic the boredom, as well as the ache to just connect with your friends, is what brought you to live video game streaming.

You had played a few rounds of Mario Kart before with online play. But to fully play multiplayer games over a livestream with your friends? 

That was how Twitch was introduced to you. 

“Let’s just use it to play stupid games together!” Your best friend argued over a voice memo.

Twitch became a simple fun time to play with your friends. You laughed on private streams and enjoyed chasing your friends around trying to figure out who was the killer in Dead by Daylight. 

Then your best friend had the crazy idea of uploading one of the livestreams into the main tag. 

“Dude we’re funny, you are funny! Why not?” 

“If you do that I’m hiding my face.” You vehemently told them.

Now here you are.

A full YouTube channel with 10K followers and doing a full on face reveal. 

If you had told the past you that your friend posting the nightly video game group hang out would have transformed into this, you would have probably passed out. 

But learning how to edit videos, gaining the confidence to post videos, straight up livestream with strangers, many who have now become dear friends since your Twitch days, and even finding friends among other streamers - all of this has led to where you sit now in your cozy gamer chair. 

Because here you are - halcyon ghost. 

And you are trying to keep yourself composed at witnessing chat go up into a whirlwind at finally seeing your face.

butterflybabe: GHOST?? U ARE GORGEOUS

ytgnfjkl: must avert my eyes from someone so pretty

JustCallMeSunny: UHH HAND IN MARRIAGE PLS

doodlenoodles: we gotta cancel ghost now for being too beautiful can we do that? 

khaki345: just proved to all of us those earth angel allegations are true pal

A childish urge to cover your face itches all over your body and you can’t stop smiling.

DB_Blaster: HEY! I knew ghostie would be lovely before everyone else did thank you! 

Then that comment has you smirking as you shake your head seeing the familiar chat name and Roger Rabbit icon. 

Outlandish, a bit eccentric, DB_Blaster appeared around a year ago. 

AJplays, your closest YouTube friend, advised that yes you can make great friends with a lot of subscribers and members. But you still always had to be careful.

“You don’t know who’s on the other side of the screen or chat ya know?” He had told you and you kept that in the back of your head, a silent awareness to always be just a bit careful.

And then DB Blaster weeks ago dropped a few thousand dollars during your livestream and you almost choked on your drink.

A year ago you made a discord server for channel members. There in a private discord chat you messaged the user who casually had donated enough money to make your head spin. 

Halcyonghost: did you seriously just drop 3K

DB_Blaster: excuse you I donated 5k  

Just as fast as he replied, he then donated another two thousand dollars.

DB_Blaster: do you need more? 🥺

You sent back a mess of screaming messages.

Most of them were confused and completely freaking out because who has the money to just drop thousands during a charity YouTube stream? 

Then this dumbass had the audacity to send you back a gif of Garfield shrugging.

After that you couldn’t help but want to find out more about this elusive DB.

Halcyonghost: so are you some sort of mob member? Is there a mobster actually wanting to watch some youtuber play animal crossing?

DB_Blaster: HAHAHAHAHA

DB_Blaster: holy fuck if only

DB_Blaster: but nah ghostie, I’m an actor 😇

That was the first time he said he was an actor and you rolled your eyes. 

Halcyonghost: okay sure, believe the mobster theory even more now 

“He might just be some rich sugar daddy type dude.” AJ told you over a voice memo.

That theory felt closer to being true than the possibility of a real actor messaging you. After that DB slowly began to message at weird times of the day. Once at two in the morning he wished you a good day and sent a link to a weird but super funny tiktok. You also always could count on him to send you some of the most outlandish memes. 

It was cute and endearing in its own way. 

Now as you sort through chat and let the screen load for Stardew Valley an alert pops up on your phone.

Discord Alert: new message 

You covertly go to check it on the desktop. 

DB_Blaster: oh sweet ghostie you have me on my KNEES

DB_Blaster: you are gorgeous 

DB_Blaster: not even Billy Shakes could do your beauty justice 

Your lips fight back a smile as you type your reply back.

Halcyonghost: Billy Shakes?

DB Blaster quickly sends you a glittering photo of William Shakespeare wearing sunglasses. 

You hold back a stupid little giggle and simply decide to jump into playing.  

On stream you run around like crazy trying to fish and end up facilitating a discussion about what maybe do next stream to change things up.

AJPlays: play another horror game you coward

“Don’t be rude!” You wheeze playfully at your friend’s comment. “But I’m open to playing more horror games.”

friedpickle: let’s watch a movie!!

“A movie live watch would be fun.” You offer. “Would be a bit hard since YouTube is ridiculous on copyright movie shit.”

The private discord message notification goes off again.

DB_Blaster: you watch anyone of my movies you wouldn't have to worry about copy right issues I’ld take care of it 

You decide to be a bit playful. 

Halcyonghost: you sure are serious about the whole actor deal huh? 

DB_Blaster: as serious as the Oscar I got 🫡

Now you can’t help but egg him on.

Playfully you reply with the ‘sure Jan’ gif and return to streaming.

The joy of carving out this little space on the Internet for yourself is being reminded how fun it can really be. Sure chat can be a little chaotic to keep up with sometimes, but the conversations are wonderful. It does stun you from time to time to get hit with the realization that real folks watch you, interact with your content and want to talk with you. A fond warmth blooms through your chest even as you frustratedly lose another fish.

That’s when you finally glance at the time on your computer screen. 

“Woah team, why didn’t you guys tell me it was this late?” You announce through a yawn seeing it’s about to be past nine.

“Well,” you begin a bit heartfelt and slowly bare your heart. You explain how you never thought you’d get this brave to become a streamer, much less show your face. You sincerely thank everyone who watches, interacts and makes this little nook of the internet so special for you. 

Chat blows up and giddiness overwhelms you at the response.

So many cute hearts and massive sweet messages.

AJPlays: LOVE YOU!!

sam maybe: nothing but love for you!

It’s all a beautiful reminder that yeah being online sometimes is good.

As you log off chat you reach for your phone. A few emails from work, texts from your parents, and a couple of alerts from discord wait for you. You check the main server chat first.

doodlenooodles: we should make this day a national holiday -national halcyon ghost face day reveal 

JustAshley: agreed 

An amused snort escapes you and you move to check the few private discord messages you have.

One is AJ screaming his demand for you to play another horror game along with sending a photo of his partner's sweet dog.

Then two messages wait for you from DB Blaster.

The first is a photo.

A very prestigious Oscar award gleams on a mantle. An opened bag of chips casually is crunched beside it. From how shiny it glistens in the light, the award looks official. Not believing it for a second though, you click on the photo to investigate. You zoom in on the award where the name can be made out even in the gleam of the light.

Academy Award Winner

“Hunger Strike”

Dieter Bravo  

“Wait.” You admit outloud.

Why did that name sound familiar?

You google the name and up pops the very handsome veteran actor. You suddenly remember the ads he was in for that Beast Cliff movie your best friend raved were pure delicious golden trash.

There is no way it’s that guy. 

Halcyonghost: That’s a good replica lol are you a big fan of his?

DB_Blaster: definitely not a replica and I guess you could say that lol 👀 

His profile name now made sense. This guy had to be a huge fan of Dieter Bravo. You could respect that. 

DB_Blaster: on another note! I’m glad you did a face reveal, you really are so attractive like wowza

A bit forward, you thought. But he’s quick to apologize.

DB_Blaster: shit sorry I don’t wanna be creepy

DB_Blaster: I just remember how nervous and hesitant you were about ever showing your face and now you getting to this point? rad as fuck 

A sweet appreciation unfolds over you fast, sweetening your teeth as if you had just taken a bite out of your favorite cake. 

This person has been with you for around a year now. So for him, along with all the other members that have stuck around, to recognize this moment is just as big of a deal for you as it was for them is incredible. The true depth of your emotions feel too big to be captured by words. 

Halcyonghost: aw shucks thank you

You explain how as nervous you were, by the time stream hit the hour mark everyone made it feel like you were back to streaming with your friends. You happily embrace that feeling

DB_Blaster: awww you like us! 🥹♥️

Halcyonghost: Of course! Everyone who comes to stream and interacts is what pushes creators like us & I never want to forget or take for granted anyone who views my work 

You were lucky and grateful for the sweet community that’s grown with you.

DB_Blaster: wow, pretty poetic and sentimental ghostie I like it

DB_Blaster: 🥰

You smirk cause it’s not even that poetic but you don’t have the energy to correct him. It’s getting late and you want to start heading to bed.

DB_Blaster: can I ask you something? Since you’re being sentimental and what not.

DB_Blaster: and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but I’ve always want to know

DB_Blaster: why did u get into streaming?

Why did you get into streaming and YouTube?

DB_Blaster: fuck shit I’m sorry if that was too invasive

He even sends a worried cat face picture. 

What a question to ask though. You thought you had discussed this on stream or even on a previous video before. Now you wonder if maybe you hadn’t mentioned it. All your friends knew about how you got to this point. They were the aid and the only reason why you got the push anyway. 

Halcyonghost: No worries its all good

Halcyonghost: guess like everyone else the pandemic kinda just pushed me to try new things, decided to play on twitch with friends on a private stream and then a few streams later my best friend decides to post it on a main tag and it blows up

Halcyonghost: then one brave fuck it decision later a YouTube channel is born and here we are lol

Halcyonghost: sorry if that’s not too exciting 

DB_Blaster: no that’s everything

DB_Blaster: it’s special knowing this turned into something meaningful for you it’s great  

It catches you off guard at how endearing the message is.

Halcyonghost: wow that’s real sweet thank you ♥

You mean that reply.

After you brush your teeth, you pass out in your bed forgetting to see if he replied back. Strangely enough, the image of a golden Oscar lingers in the back of your mind.

The beautiful moments of enjoying streaming, of getting to bask in how special this little outlet, are what you treasure. But those moments when work, life, clash with your little carved out corner it reminds you that sometimes you need to step away from everything for a bit.

Halcyon Ghost: hey guys, tough day at work today… going have to reschedule stream :( real sorry about this!!

The replies are sweet, reassuring along with some humorous ones. One comes from your mystery man on a private discord message. 

DB_Blaster: do you need me to take someone out? 

It’s enough to make you laugh and a relaxed ease melts away some of your stress. 

Halcyonghost: Tempting! But stand down Don Corleone

DB_Blaster, catching your godfather reference, sends you a gif of the classic ‘‘leave the gun take the cannoli’ scene. 

DB_Blaster: sorry work was so tough, anything I can do to help?

You thank him and explain how it’s just work stuff getting you down. Of course you make the joke about one day becoming a full time streamer because every little YouTuber at one point wonders about the life of having that as their job.

DB_Blaster: you should, I’d support you. No lie. 

You’re about to dig into the takeout you order and you’re thankful you didn’t take a bite because you would have coughed out a little laugh at seeing that message. 

Halcyonghost: Ahh yes forgot… talking to a scary rich mobster here lol   

He sends a gif of Marlon Brando’s Don Corleone and it does make you giggle. 

DB_Blaster: but seriously, you ever need anything

DB_Blaster: I know it sounds weird but pls let me know okay??

It’s oddly sweet. But of course you sharply remember how this guy donated thousands easily and it only intensely rattles your mind thinking about what kind of man this guy is. 

Halcyonghost: thank you ♡

Halcyonghost: so…what do you seriously do? Besides being a mobster obsessed with one random actor lol 

DB_Blaster: Rude!!

DB_Blaster: and I told you

DB_Blaster: I am a thespian ghostie babe 😎

He really is sticking to that. 

You want to poke fun but you also understood not wanting to discuss personal aspects. So you apologize for asking. He doesn’t reply for a full ten minutes and you now wonder if maybe you could be upsetting him. 

Discord alert: DB_Blaster sent you a voice message!

That new alert now makes you eve more worried.

You scramble to grab your headphones and you don’t know why your heart is hammering so much. You don’t hesitate to listen to the voice chat. 

“Ghostie.” The voice that greets you is pure smooth goodness. Thick, manly and older, and something feels as if it is being yanked out of your chest fast. 

“I swear I’m an actor.” He urges with a laugh. “Do you want me to send you my IMDB page? Or you know what, maybe this might help.”

The voice chat ends and you see the bubbles pop up suggesting he is typing a message in the discord chat.

A photo pops up.

The man in it is scruffy, a bit sleepy looking with bed head type hair. He holds up a peace sign and grins at you. This man is also gorgeous. Deep dark brown eyes and a sharp striking nose, for some reason his voice perfectly fits his features. 

His face again seems so familiar.

DB_Blaster: SEE! It me :) 

You can’t even reply to that yet.

You go back to googling the name that had first appeared when you saw that academy award.

Dieter Bravo.

The mess of paparazzi photos, screenshots from movies, to various interview clips, the man is the same as the one in the photo sent to you. 

This has to be a catfish. Someone really trying to keep their identity hidden and deciding to do some old fashion celebrity role play type deal.

You decide to do a deep dive. 

You check Twitter and find he’s not there any more. His Instagram is bare minimum and hasn’t seen a recent post since 2019. He has been included on a few TikToks. But to say that photo sent could be an older Instagram or Twitter photo Dieter Bravo took is too much.

You try turning your brain off from thinking about streaming or a possible catfish living in your messages. But curiosity scratches at you like an anxious kitten. There’s no way it could be the actual actor Dieter Bravo. 

Barely one episode into your favorite comfort series rewatch, you decide to check discord.

More messages wait for you. 

DB_Blaster: I know you think I’m lying

DB_Blaster: but I am not I swear! I vow on my life! 

DB_Blaster: if you feel comfortable enough you are more than welcome to video call me and see me with your own pretty eyes 😇

You want to scream.

There’s no way. But, what could you lose if you video chat with this person? Worst case? You drop the video call, block him on every account and pretend this never happened. Best case? You don’t even want to think about that because a best case feels so outlandish. 

Electricity hums through your veins and you sit up straight on your couch. 

You hit video call.

Loudly your heart hammers a vicious beat in your ears. The video chat rings twice. Someone answers.

There he is. 

Dieter Bravo, in the flesh, talking so bright and amused. His smile crinkles his deep eyes and the crisp light of his kitchen highlights his stunning features.

“Well well well, might have to call a paranormal investigator because I just made contact with a ghost!”

He talks first, so excited and haughty, and you can’t help it.

You hang up the video call.

Wild electrified clusters of emotions course through you so strong it feels as if your brain might shut down. 

Dieter Bravo. 

Dieter Bravo is a viewer of your channel and is who you have been chatting with.

You call him back. You have to make sure this is real and maybe not just a wild delusion.

Dieter Bravo again answers with the most Cheshire Cat pleased smile.

“Trouble with your wifi? I get it.” He asks so casually.

You really can’t believe it.

“You’re…you’re HOLY FUCK?” You scream.

Dieter barks a laugh.

“And here I was thinking I’d be the one freaking out.” He’s amused and it is so clear in the twinkle of those warm charcoal eyes.

“I told you I wasn’t lying ghostie!” Dieter urges excited. 

You could admit and testify that yes, known actor and academy award winner Dieter Bravo is not a liar. And also apparently, he is a fan of part time game streamers.

“I can’t believe it.” You mutter still stunned as hell.

“Believe it ghostie.” He replies swiftly.

“So how was your day before it got turned upside down?” He smirks proud. Even with that you find he is so casual and actually friendly? He mentions how his day went and how he’s excited to feast on the Taco Bell he door dashed. 

“How did…How did you even find my channel?” You breathlessly ask.

“Oh, we’re getting into the personal stuff already? I was hoping we’d get to that maybe by our second date but this is fantastic.” He replies back taking a bite out of the Taco Bell he told you he ordered.

“Oh my god.” You sputter out not even processing fully what he’s saying because this entire moment feels outrageous. 

He’s a celebrity. A full on icon who has been in the same room as Meryl Streep and here he is grinning at you like he’s won the lotto. 

“You know you’re even cuter than you are on stream. Really diggin’ the extra cozy vibes from my favorite cozy gamer.”

You wonder if maybe you should hang up on him again. 

“Let’s be serious here.” You huff. You just want to find out and piece together how this man found his way to you.

“Honestly?” He begins after taking a swig of a baja blast. 

“I had a bad break up a while back.” Dieter starts with a brisk and slightly detached voice. 

“Thought it’d be a long haul thing but…it’s whatever.” His voice drifts off as he moves to sit down. Dieter places his phone across from him so now it feels as if he is sitting across from you. The view gives you a full sight of his wild and vast Taco Bell haul. You also don’t miss the weed pipe resting beside his Baja blast. 

“Anyway, I was up late one night, couldn’t sleep. Went to look up a video about how humanity could possibly survive a kraken emerging from the depths of the sea, as one wonders about at three in the morning.”

A wild laugh almost escapes you, but you stay composed as best as you can.

“And then, the freaky as fuck YouTube algorithm decides to recommend me your video.” Dieter says.

“Wait.” Your voice sounds small, as if you’re afraid to shatter this moment. “Which one?”

You watch this handsome man’s face grow soft as his eyes look distant. He dives in to take a scoop out of his nacho pile and munch happily.

You already hate how attractive he is just eating. 

“It was the ‘I make a gay love cafe for my animal crossing villagers’ one.” His voice drips with evident fondness. For some reason though, just hearing the title of your video along with his soft voice does it for you. You start giggling. 

Maybe it’s the disbelief finally settling in or the exhaustion from the hard day you had, but you laugh and it aches your stomach. Dieter joins in thankfully laughing just as much as you are. 

It’s unreal, a twinkling moment you know you’ll never be able to capture again but it’s oddly wonderful.

“I guess you liked it?” You ask through a wheeze.

“Ghostie, I snorted a shit ton of coke just so I could stay awake till five am to binge all your videos.” He admits through a giggle.

“Holy shit!” You cough out a bit stunned at his reply.

“Well,” You manage to recompose yourself and even smile grateful because you are. “Sorry about the break up, those are always shit. But…I am glad you found my little video. Weird as that sounds.”

“It’s not weird.” Dieter reassures you and it knocks you breathless how directly he stares at you. You almost feel exposed. 

“It’s kismet, dear ghost.” Dieter tells you with so much eased simplicity it sounds a bit comedic. You can’t help but snort.

It might not be kismet but it was something.

Dieter and you end up messaging each other, constant and steady after that. He begins sending you pictures of the sky outside his LA apartment during his runs. One of them is a glorious tangerine lemonade sky.

DB_Blaster: sky kinda looks like a musty day old orange outside today, it’s kinda nice 

There’s a neighborhood cat he always gets excited to see and gladly sends you photos of the unamused white feline whenever he spots her.

You tell him about your day and you are surprised he balances asking about your videos and streaming to asking genuine questions about how you are doing. Interestingly enough you ask more questions about what video games.

“I’m a fucking killer at Mario kart. Love The Sims, the grim reaper is my roommate there.” Figures.

“One day I wanna play Mario Party.” He gladly tells over a voice chat. 

“Oh my god you’d be ridiculous at Mario party.” You snicker back. “And the sims…it fits you.”

“Thank you.” He proudly replies and it makes you grin so ridiculously.

Dieter Bravo is charming, but you know he is. You would never admit it to him but that night, that first night after you discovered Dieter was in fact DB_Blaster, you went on an entire Dieter Bravo interview deep dive. 

You watched how personable he could be with someone interviewing him. But you also witnessed the side of him that could be a real ass. There was an old Rolling Stone article you read briefly that described him as “an enigma of a man you’d run into at a bathroom and believe you fever dreamed the entire interaction” and that entirely described Dieter perfectly.

By the time your weekly night stream arrives, you can’t help but think of him. He promised you he would be present. 

“Ghostie I’ve only missed ONE of your streams and it was only because I was on shrooms and got explosive diarrhea. Not a good night for me.”

It horrified you hearing that but also had you holding back the giggles because the earnestness in his voice was so pure. 

Dieter Bravo is a pure enigma of a man for sure.

You decide to stream again with your face camera on to embrace the weight and joy of being known. And also because a secret, but very aware part of you, knows Dieter Bravo watches you. 

Your mind wanders to the photos of him at the academy awards. You honestly stared at those for a good few minutes because you could get over how much of a god he looked in his striking tux. 

You also think of the one day he video chatted with you. Obvious coke residue was dusted on his nose and he wore a Golden Girl’s shirt that had Cheeto dust on it. Even witnessing that side of him, a deep fondness and even deeper attraction for this chaotic cluster of a man infects you rapidly. 

Drop kicking those thoughts away, you jump into playing Tears of the Kingdom. A small discussion buzzes in the chat about which of Zelda’s outfits are the best. You go to check on chat and your heart jumps straight into your throat seeing the familiar user name now among the bunch. 

DB_Blaster: Ghostieeeee, my dear you are looking extra ethereal today 🥰 

A sharp heat spreads over your cheeks and a giddiness surges through you.

“Moron.” You snicker mainly to yourself even though you know chat probably caught it.

An alert pops up from discord. You click onto it quickly and find a private message. 

DB_Blaster: you’re adorable when you get flustered 

You are falling down a dangerously slippery slope for this dumb actor. Mentally you want to sink your fingers onto a ledge to stop yourself from going into a free fall.

You simply reply back with a silly nonsense gif because it’s all you can muster. 

Stream goes smoothly and you call it in early for the night. Another discord message awaits you and this time you already know who it’s from.

DB_Blaster: what’s the one thing you need the most for streaming?

That stuns you.

When you took the jump into streaming you promised yourself you’d only get the basics and nothing too expensive. Because sure, as much as you would love to spend a couple extra bucks on a better microphone, better software, or even a full time editor you had bills to pay, snacks to buy.

You simply reply back that better audio would be nice.

DB_Blaster: wait how do you buy better audio? 🗣️

You laugh and find it so easy to video call him now. 

When he answers, Dieter is not in his lavish LA apartment but a similarly lavish and sleek hotel.

“Hi ghostie.” He grins. 

“Wait where are you?” 

“Rude! Did you forget I had an audition for a new Broadway production?!” Dieter gasps hurt. 

“No, I remembered! I was just surprised you didn’t fly back home already.” 

He scoffs. “No way, and miss getting some New York pizza? Plus I’m lazy and just would rather deal with LAX tomorrow.”

As you snicker you decide to settle in for the night. Propping him up against your mirror in the bathroom Dieter suddenly gasps again.

“Am I in your bathroom?! We haven’t even gone on a proper date yet!” 

“I’m gonna hang up on you.” You smirk, shaking your head. 

A thought suddenly trickles in. You think of AJplays and a few other streamers who are now all your dear friends. There is a small but dear step it takes to see more of the person behind the youtube name.

So you take that step. You give Dieter your real name.

“You can call me that now.” You try to be eased with it as you go to wash your face for the night until you catch how direct Dieter stares at you.

He repeats your name, breathing it out on an exhale that sounds reverent. It galvanizes your heart into a dangerous spring. 

“Yup, that’s me.” You weakly reply.

“Your name suits you.” Dieter sincerely says. 

“Thanks. Halcyon Ghost is my middle name.” 

That makes Dieter laugh and you hate the excitement rushing in you from making him laugh.

Dieter Bravo is truly such a wild but interesting man. He has told you about the time he almost jumped into the water fountain at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Then over a video call he softly revealed how he wants to create art, performances, that connect with people even long after his soul has passed into the next dimension. 

“S’why I got into acting.” He had said so simply. 

You can’t believe this strange endearing man now sits in your phone urging you to do a cliché beauty influencer talkthrough of your night time routine. 

You raise up your boring moisturizer with the peeling label in the way you had seen in TikToks and videos. However your lack of enthusiasm immediately has Dieter and you busting out wild giggles like school children trying to keep quiet in a library. 

Eventually you and him settle into a comfortable eased conversation.

“So you talked about audio earlier…what do you need for better audio?” Dieter of course brings that up again. 

“Eh, a better microphone, or some sound mixing equipment. But like I said, I'm good with what I have.” You are. 

“I could get you something nicer.” His voice echoes off the walls of your small bathroom and your eyes go wide.

“Uh no!” You chide him. “Please don’t buy me things!”

“Why?” He debates simply.

“Because…because I said so!” You sputter back. Because the thought of this gorgeous man spending money on you is making your knees want to buckle.

“Aren’t we friends? Friends buy each other things.” Dieter replies stubbornly. 

“Not new hundred dollar mics!” You fire back just as stubbornly.

“Oh they’re only a hundred dollars? Baby that’s nothing.” He scoffs. But the new nickname he so casually calls you rips a new heat through your body. It crawls up your spine and makes your throat going dry. 

You stay quiet not knowing what to say or not trusting what you might say.

“Did I upset you ghostie?” Dieter asks playful but the concern is there.

“No, I'm just tired.” You lie.

“Uh huh.” He doesn’t believe you for a second and you know it.

“Come on,” you grab him from his perch against your mirror and give him a sleepy grin. “Bed time.”

“Are you taking me to bed now, little ghost!? If I knew we were taking this step I would’ve ordered us dinner before!” Dieter exclaims again dramatically and over the top. 

You laugh in disbelief and settle against your bed frame.

“You moron.” You can’t help but sigh fondly.

“Yeah your moron.” He offers back gently. 

Was he slowly becoming yours, or were you just becoming his? All you can do is grin soft at him and shrug. 

“So, you wearing any cute underwear?” He flat out asks. You place your phone down and away from you on the blanket as if to put him in timeout.

Dieter barks a hilarious and loud laugh that fills your room with warm energy you can almost hold in your hands.

You pick up the phone and glare at him.

“You better behave.” You chide him with no malice because your mind is still trying to settle down from the question he asked. 

“I will, I will. I swear on my Oscar.” Dieter reassures. It only makes you roll your eyes. 

“Tell me why you picked your YouTube name, halcyon ghost.” He says your channel name with proper grand bravado.

It was October when you made the channel. Your thoughts immediately went to something spooky. You also explained how you always thought the word ‘halcyon’ was nice.

“So why not.” You finish explaining a bit anticlimactic.

“Did you know the word comes from some like Greek myth too?” Dieter offers then happily jumps in to retell it.

“Halcyon was the name of some bird. It had the ability to calm rough seas whenever it went to nest or some shit. It’s why the word ‘halcyon’ means tranquility and peace.”

Everytime you are reminded of how worldly and sometimes sagely this ridiculous man can be it knocks something solid through your chest. 

“That’s beautiful.” You admit. 

Dieter hums thoughtful. “Yeah.” 

His eyes suddenly flicker to unflinching look to you. It is just you and him staring so directly at each other. But you can’t hold his gaze for long. You blink away, not even truly focusing on anything. 

“So no true poetic meaning picking ‘ghost’?” Dieter asks now interested and curious. 

You laugh. “I mean, not really?”

You could probably do some deep analysis and talk about how as a creator, it’s easy to feel like a ghost when there is no interaction with the content created. 

You wanted to keep your face, your identity, a bit hidden so the ghost image fit.

“But you know how that went.” You joke.

He snickers.

“Ghosts also haunt things.” Dieter offers with a light tone.

“They do.” You nod.

“Would you believe me if I said you have been haunting me?” Dieter admits into the quiet space of your bedroom.  

Your heart trips, skips a beat and you try to control your face but it’s so hard when your eyes snap to his fast.

A moment passes with his wonderfully magnetic eyes again staring at you but now he seems to be waiting for you to say something, anything. Even over a simple video chat the atmosphere in your room thickens, becomes hazy, and it begins to sink beneath your skin. 

All you can do is nervously laugh. “I’d say that’s a good one and you should save it for chat.”

Humor, it’s all that you have sometimes. Plus, you don’t know if he is being serious or playful. It’s hard to find the hard line between the two when he’s an actor, a man known for putting up fronts. Because even though you now see him as a friend, there is still a strange space between you and him that you want to cautiously navigate. It feels like a deep river that if you take one more step into you might fall into a rushing tide. 

Dieter hums and you don’t miss how his eyes immediately lower a bit downcast.

“I’ll let you go for the night ghostie.” Dieter mutters. 

The tension does not leave your room even when the video calls leaves and it makes your skin crawl.

You are at a company dinner Friday night when the email comes.

“Hi Halcyon Ghost

Exciting news! Here is your invitation to this year’s VidCon held in Los Angeles California!”

It is a clash of two worlds and you can’t focus your excitement into anything without making one of your coworkers confused.

AJ already has messaged you screaming with his excitement over you and him receiving the same invite.

You and him already start screaming a plan to meet up and room together.

For some reason your mind jumps to Dieter. 

You want to tell him, want to freak out the same way you did when he proudly called you to announce he got the broadway part he auditioned for. He’s become such a strange but solid facet in your life it almost aches how badly you want him more than anything. 

Because you’re still at dinner you decide to message him quick and fast in discord. So fast you don’t even remember what you sent. By the time you return to your apartment you find a mess of messages waiting for you.

DB_Blaster: MY DEAR GHOST?? EXCUSE ME?!?!?!

DB_Blaster: WHAT A PRO! WHAT AN ICON!!!

DB_Blaster: 🎉C O N G R A T S 🎉 BABY!!!

DB_Blaster: GHOSTIE!!! CALL ME NOW!!

You do so eagerly.

“Uh hello?” He answers in a bad accent that you vaguely remember from that bad Cliff beast whatever movie. “Is this pro gamer halcyon ghost? Now famous VidCon invitee?”

You laugh is bright and loud and you don’t care.

“I can’t believe it!” You cry. “Me, AJ, and a few of our other friends got the invite! I mean it’s just an invite and it’s not much but-“

“No,” he cuts you off sharply and even frowns. “Don’t do that, give yourself credit. Your content is awesome as fuck and you deserve this!” 

Your face drops because he sounds so sincere.

He notices it too. Over the phone’s screen you watch as Dieters eyes flicker and scan over your face so intently.

“God I’m so fucking proud of you.” He breathes out and it makes your spine snap straight.

“Dieter…” you exhale and now catch that familiar shift coming in the air. Even over the video chat you again sense it, something brewing and becoming uncontainable, stretching thin as if it's a wire maybe about to snap. 

Then your phone rings.

You cuss sharp under your breath.

Your best friend’s hilarious photo pops up on your phone. You know the call is to congratulate you on the invite. But you know there’s something even more pressing here sitting in the air between you and Dieter. You don’t want to avoid it anymore. The elated energy, the buzz of the high, makes you want to face whatever this is head on, to dive right into whatever is brewing beneath the tides. 

Your eyes shoot an apologetic look to Dieter. An understanding but little crooked grin paints his features and makes him look so boyish. 

“Text me back or call me when you can.” 

Dieter hangs up and you already ache for the actor you’ve grown so deeply fond of.

The phone call with your best friend is wonderful, joyous, and you appreciate the support like this in your life. But it’s getting late and you can’t help but think about the actor still possibly waiting for you. 

So you grasp onto the exuberant energy still humming through your system. You harness it with all your might and immediately call him. You chide yourself for getting caught up in the excitement and not video calling him. 

Then Dieter answers.

“Ghostie?” He sounds wrecked, out of breath.

“Hi yeah, it’s me. Sorry, am I interrupting something?” You offer small and so worried now. 

Until he sighs and it sounds soaked in sex, so delicious and dangerous.

“Baby…” he sighs your name out and it has never sounded more sacred. 

“You gotta know,” Dieter whines. “You gotta know how much I want you.”

You are sent out of orbit. Your mind, your body, all melt as everything inside you ignites in a fierce flame. 

A few weeks ago you learned one of Dieter’s movies involved a heated sex scene.

After searching and finally finding the clip, it shot the strongest dosage of arousal through your body at a dizzying speed. You rewatched it an embarrassing amount of times, more than you even want to admit to yourself. You thought about how fierce and consuming he kissed his costar. And now those scenes vividly flash in your head, begging you to fall into the beautiful abyss creeping up below you.

“Dieter.” You reply a bit choked. 

The faint wet noise of his hand stroking his cock comes and it makes you swallow back a whine.

“Wanted you for so long, think about you all the time.” Dieter mutters in a trance. 

“I…” there’s so much you want to say, so much you want to discuss. But heat licks a blazing path through your veins. It makes your underwear sticky and so wet already. All those hesitations and all thoughts you had flutter away. 

“Don’t think,” Dieter coos like a soft siren begging you to join him. “Just feel, come on baby. Feel with me.”

So you do. Your hand slips greedily beneath your underwear and you feel everything right there with him in the warm glow of your bedroom.

Sunday night you are on a discord voice call with Dieter as he waits out his canceled flight.

After not talking to him all Saturday he was the one to finally break and call you first. You’re surprised you even answered. 

“I can hear you thinking ghostie.” Dieter hums amused.

It’s been on your mind this entire time since Friday, since the phone sex - the thought of whatever you and him are becoming, have now become.

“Talk to me.” He offers soft, soft like the way he wishes you good night over voice memos every night now.

“Do you think about how we have like…different layers? Like I know your job is literally about being someone else. And I understand you present yourself a certain way even in interviews and you aren’t even your true self there-”

“If you watch that one buzzfeed interview I did high I think you’d recant your words baby.” He jokingly interjects and you snort. 

“You know what I mean.” You gently return back to the thought you’ve been wanting to discuss with him. 

“And with me, I know I have layers of how I’m perceived online and I just…” your voice trails off now thinking you might be getting caught up in your words. 

“You think we’re both just caught up in the projected perceptions of the other huh?” Dieter muses. 

It again startles you how perceptive he is.

If there is anything that you would have not pictured Dieter Braver to be, it's perceptive. But he is. This is of course the same man who told you how he once drank a Baja blast out of a black licorice because he wondered if the flavor would change. But he’s also deeply intuitive, even a bit wise, and those traits shine so warmly now.

“Ghostie,” he begins and then says your real name. “Remember when I told you how I found your videos? How I said it was…wait fuck what did I say it was like?”

“Kismet,” you smirk saying the word.

“Yeah that’s it thank you baby!” Dieter cheers. “Okay anyway, I said that ‘cause it’s true. Your video was like…some damn lifeline I didn’t know I fucking needed. Finding you felt like I was returning from a haze.”

Confliction bubbles in you with an acidic wave. Pride, gratitude, and even deep admiration rise up all for him but it also strongly clashes with the fierce realist in you. 

“And then I got to know you.” He adds firm. “I learned what your favorite take out meal is. I still remember the story you told me about your most embarrassing moment. I learned about the movies you love and the ones you hate.”

Hours were spent discussing movies. You should have known any movie talk with an actor would result in hour long debate over which Lord of the Rings movie is best since Dieter swears it’s the first. 

“I know you.” He urges.

“I mean, I don’t know who your favorite teacher was and shit but I…I think I know you. You’re now not just the cute as fuck streamer who brought me out of my dumps. You’re someone who’s been brigtening the FUCK out of my life just from hearing you talk about what you plan to get at the grocery store.”

You don’t realize you’re on the verge of tearing up until you blink and find tears blurring your vision.

“Still can’t believe you donated that much.” You sniffle.

“Yeah but doing that let us all see your lovely face so ha.” Dieter replies haughtily.

“Look baby, let’s just keep getting to know and grow with each other, yeah?” He offers in a hopeful and warm tone that reminds you of a tangerine sunrise. 

“Yeah.” You agree and gently walk into that tangerine sunrise.

“Now will you let me buy you some new audio shit?” He asks in an annoying childish high pitch voice and the soft moment gets squashed. But it is pure Dieter. 

“You moron.” You choke out through an affectionate laugh.

“Yeah your moron ghostie!” He exclaims with all his might.

“Please tell me you did not just yell that in the middle of an airport.”

“Oh you know I’ve acted worse in an airport. That was nothing.” He scoffs.

You do know. Dieter explained, even sent articles, about how he ran around the Denver Airport once trying to see if there were actual lizard people in the tunnels. It’s why he is forever banned there.

Remembering that solidifies his words.

To know someone is a blessing, a privilege, even if the stories surrounding them are so wild and ridiculous. Maybe even more so with this man.

Because to know Dieter Bravo is to know he is ridiculous, wild, a bit eccentric, but entirely warm and heartfelt. 

You realize you never want to know a day without him. 

That thought blooms into firm wonderful roots that immediately grow in your heart’s chambers.

By the time VidCon approaches only a month away you, Dieter is now simply calling you over your phone. Discord voice and video chats no more. 

“So what are your LA plans?” Dieter asks while chewing through some jerky.

“Well AJ and I already got a room booked by the convention center so that’s my biggest relief.” You and AJ already had excitedly joked about maybe running into a celebrity. A part of you even now has to suppress giggling at just thinking about how you have daily phone calls with a known celebrity buzzfeed articles have deem ‘Sexy AF.’ 

Except right now said celebrity burps disgustingly loud in your ear.

“Dieter, gross.” You frown. 

“Sorry babe…Anyway,” Dieter bounces back quickly. “Want me to pick you up from the airport?”

You almost drop your phone.

“Honey what?” You wheeze out.

“I love it when you call me honey!” He gushes so obnoxiously. You’ve been calling him honey for months now and it never fails he says this every time.

“Focus Bravo.”

“Yeah okay,” he sighs. “As I was saying, let me just pick you up from the airport.”

The thought of finally seeing him in person freezes you. After months of doing the long distance thing, having incredible phone and video sex, everything now settles in you fast. From your excitement, to the fear of him actually seeing you in person-

“Ghostie.” Dieter breaks into your thoughts with a sing song like tone.

You sigh now “Sorry honey.”

Dieter giggles dreamily. “Honey.”

You sigh again. 

“Let me pick you up baby.” He suddenly purrs low as if he wasn’t just giggling like a lovesick fangirl a split second before. 

It would solve your issue about dealing with a ride share or even the horrifying thought of getting a rental. 

“Sure, why not.”

Dieter screams loud as if his favorite sports team just scored but Dieter doesn’t care for sports and you hang up your phone.

He simply now texts you: [See you at stream tonight babeyyy]

You playfully reply back: [not if i block you 😊]

He simply sends back a gif of a dumb minion blowing a kiss and you now really contemplate blocking him.

Later that night on stream, as you play the most recent Pokémon game, you see Dieter’s name pop up.

DB_Blaster: hello beautiful my ghost 

You hid your smirk behind the hand your face is leaning on.  

Chat of course ignores him while they excitedly continue to send encouraging words about the upcoming VidCon trip. A few members even eagerly hope they can run into you at the convention. It is exciting and reminds you of the exciting energy that awaits before a big vacation.

Then a chime comes from chat.

This one alerts you that someone sent a super chat, which includes a donation with it.

Your eyes readily flicker over to check and thank whoever sent it. Then your eyes almost pop out of your socket.

DB_Blaster - $900 super chat! 

“What the fuck!?” You can’t help but flat out shriek. 

Thankfully chat reacts just as wild.

butterflybabe: dude db_blaster can you like adopt me??

justAshley: I am manifesting this type of energy to find me oh my god

You scramble quickly to your phone to text him in all caps about what the fuck does he think he’s doing.

[Dieter: for ur mic and audio shit baby!]

[Dieter: Don’t think I forgot 🥰]

[Dieter: or for maybe a new vibrator hmm 👀????]

You swallow back the scream you want to let out and instead slam your phone back down.

Recovering fast you grin at the chat. 

“Don’t worry everyone, DB Blaster is actually my estranged rich grandmother, so let’s all say thank you to her! Thank you grandma!” You smile bright and wide on camera. 

Dieter straight up calls you in the middle of the stream and you can’t help it. You laugh and almost knock over your microphone. 

After scrambling for the days off, shoving everything into a suitcase, suddenly the month is over and you are landing in Los Angeles ready for VidCon. 

LAX is an experience, like a whole world encapsulated in one place.

There is a MAC makeup store, a Michael Kors and then a Jersey Mikes. You don’t want to wander around too much before getting lost in its depths. You can almost hear Dieter’s voice rattling off in your head, warning you not to get lost or else the alien creatures living in the airports will grab you and make you play monopoly with them like a scene out of a bad 80’s Sci Fi movie. 

Thankfully you don’t have to wait too long to actually hear his voice. Your phone rings and you rapidly scramble to answer it.

“Hello?” You breathlessly answer.

“Baby,” His voice is drenched in disappointment and so much heartbreak. “My ghostie…Fuck I’m so sorry I can’t make it.”

You knew he would be cutting it close with his photoshoot.

“Honey it’s okay I promise.” You reassure him but you still are a bit heartbroken. Your excitement escapes you like a deflated balloon getting caught up in the ceiling of the Los Angeles airport.

“I’ll make it up to you I swear!” Dieter urges with devout conviction.  

You know he will, in his own Dieter way and that’s enough to comfort you. 

The walk to the rideshare pickup area is solemn but you carry yourself and your luggage with gathered dignity. Thankfully your Uber driver is sweet and you enjoy the chat during the drive. She happily suggests restaurants and different bars to check out making the trip to the hotel not too bad.

Finding AJ already in the lobby waiting for you makes the journey even better. After the hilarious freak out for finally meeting, you now eagerly discuss dinner plans with him.

“Maybe we can go food truck hunting?!” AJ offers excitedly.

You agree with just as much excitement and move to open the door.

There in the room a full array of colors explode before your eyes. So many flowers cover almost every surface of the hotel room. Their arrangements are large and fan out with flair. From gorgeous deep crimson roses to colorful lilies vibrantly begging to be smelled, it overwhelms you but in the best way.

“Okay, what the fuck?!” AJ cries. “Is this because we’re here for VidCon?!”

You want to think it is. But the teddy bear almost the size of the hotel wall nestled happily in the corner says otherwise. Especially because the sweet bear rocks some cool bright neon sunglasses, wears an ‘I ♥️ LA’ t-shirt and has a rolled up white paper taped to his mouth as a mock joint. 

Your eyes however now go straight to the sweet little bundle of flowers, your favorite actually, that sit patiently on the coffee table.

A white folded note rests among the flowers.

‘Ghostie’ the handwriting is sleek but messy, scribbled fast but with intent. The sight of it already clogs your throat because it’s exactly how you’d picture Dieter’s handwriting.

“Sorry I couldn’t make it, hope this makes up for it! Don’t worry we’ll be together soon”

-DB

He even doodled a Sun wearing sunglasses with a heart beside it. Your own heart transforms into something light and buoyant. You worry about floating away at any moment. 

AJ of course freaks out over dinner when you tell him everything  As if summoned out from under a couch cushion himself, your non official-official boyfriend calls.

“Hello?” You answer with a warm grin and AJ eyes go wide.

“Is that him?” AJ mouths. You can only playfully shrug. 

“When I walked out of my shoot just now I knew LA looked and smelled brighter and it’s because you’re here.” Dieter says with so much awe that it overpowers his classic Dieter type comment. 

“Dork.” You smile so fond that AJ playfully makes a gagging face.

“When can I see you baby?” Dieter mutters in a sweet alluring tone that has something delicious crawling up your spine. 

You explain how you are at dinner right now.

“Dinner?! In your first night in LA and it’s without me?!” Dieter exclaims dramatically.

“It’s with Markiplier isn’t it? I knew it! Well tell him he’s only half attractive and that when I get there it’s over for his gamer ass!” He screeches.

“Goodbye!” You laugh wild and unbelievable. You cut him off quickly because goodness, what a beautiful hilarious force Dieter Bravo is.

“So I’m thinking I might get to enjoy a hotel room all to myself this trip huh?” AJ comments playful and with a teasing smirk.

“Maybe!” You reply weak but you know the truth grows in your bones. It only solidifies when you text him to meet you at the hotel.

You want to spend as much time as Dieter will allow. You want to see his apartment, want to find that sweet cat he always takes pictures of during his runs. You want to enjoy and let yourself soak in the bliss of just being with the one man who has been lighting up your life.

[Dieter: heading over, see you soon ghostie 💘]

The text electrifies you faster and brighter than any strike of lightning could. Then, as you sit on the couch waiting for his call, your phone rings and you almost jump out of your skin.

“Yeah honey?” You answer breathlessly. 

Quickly you open the door to rush to the elevator only to find Dieter Bravo standing there on the other side.

This moment has filled your daydreams more than you would ever admit. You wondered if this first meet would be some cinematic moment. You originally hoped this would have happened at the airport. You even pictured it a very sweet indie movie type way where the love interests finally meet at a place where so many paths cross and are brought together.

Yet here he is. 

The man who’s filled your heart with so much humor and affection that right now it swells to the point you wonder if you might burst. 

Dieter’s face falls in complete awe.

He hangs up the phone and before either of you can say anything he moves in quick steps. He swiftly sweeps you into his arms.

Dieter kisses as if you might disappear. His mouth is warm, tasting faintly of ice coffee and a shot of desperation. It makes you melt into him. You clutch his Los Angeles Lakers sweatshirt as you kiss him back with everything you have.

The months, the build up, it all led to this.

As fast as he kissed you, as fierce as he licked into your mouth, suddenly Dieter gently cradles your face. He pauses for a split second and then he is kissing you so softly, so light.

Dieter kisses your lips gently, once twice, before moving to kiss the corner of your lips, the top of your cheek. He finally kisses your forehead and the tenderness overwhelms your senses.

“You’re here.” Dieter breathes out.

“You’re here.” You choke back.

Dieter pulls away and grins a molten sleepy thing that touches his eyes. 

He is everything you have dreamed of and then more.

When he pulls you into his arms, simply to just hold you, you squeeze him back with all your might.

“No more screens separating us, ghostie.” Dieter coos affectionately into the top of your head.

No more screens indeed.

As if Dieter himself is a real ghost, he spirits you away from the hotel room. You think your laugh and his still hang in the hallways of the hotel.

“Okay, are you sure you want to do this?” You ask hesitant.

“Yes ghostie, this is the fifth time you’ve asked me. Should I remind you again that I’m the one who suggested this and got excited when you said yes?” Dieter scoffs as he settles into the seat beside yours.

Your heart hammers loud in your ears. You’ve never done this. Hell knowing you’re doing this with him feels even more terrifying. 

“Hey,” Suddenly his warm larger hand moves to squeeze yours.

Your eyes flicker to Dieter. He is the picture perfect example of ease and you know it’s not the edible he took because it already wore off after he picked you up from VidCon. 

“If you don’t feel comfortable then no worries.” He reassures you effortlessly. You can’t help it. You lean over and kiss him soft, appreciative. 

It’s been so easy to fall into place with him. 

He kisses you back more and more. You’re about to pull away until he breathes against your lips. 

“Move here, move in with me.” 

Your eyes snap open wide and you scramble away from him.

“Dieter WHAT?!”

“What!?” He cries back just as loud. “I thought that might take away the nerves and give you something else to think about and then the words just kinda flew out!”

Your damn chaotic but so sweet boyfriend…

You exhale feeling the old nerves now transfer into this new topic and you suppose Dieter’s plan did work in a way.

“Ghostie,” Dieter urges. “Talk to me please.”

A silence settles between you and him. 

“You want me to move in with you?” Your voice is small, barely able to process the words yourself. Your eyes flicker to Dieter. He stares at you with the cutest worried face. 

“Baby if I had it my way you’d quit your job, live here with me and live off my money until you get sick of me. You’d be here and do whatever the fuck you want for as long as you want.” His tone is soaked with sincerity as he answers without hesitation, without doubt. 

“I just wanna come home to you. Wanna see your moisturizer in my bathroom. I want to get into fights over which Pringle’s flavor is best,” Dieter continues so earnest. “It’s the shrimp cocktail flavor by the way.”

“It’s not.” You reply with a sniffle and Dieter smirks affectionately as his thumb strokes your hand.

“Just…think about it, okay?”

It’s a lot to process but hope swirls and swells in your chest. It speaks more than you can at this moment. All you can do is lean forward to kiss him fiercely and true.

Dieter kisses you back softer.

“Come on ghostie,” He mutters against your lips. “Don’t you have a stream to get to?”

“Guess this is why celebrities don’t date fans huh.” You mutter. 

Dieter busts out laughing at your comment and you join him feeling bright and limitless. He yanks you into his arms and kisses you multiple times now, all loud and relentless. For the finale he blows a raspberry on your cheek making you laugh even louder. 

If you are his ghost, you think he might be your halcyon. A strange beautifully colored bird that seems mythical but one that brings you so much sweet peace among the waves. 

“Alright come on let’s do this.”

You jump onto stream and warmly smile as Dieter sits besides you.

Warmly and as casually as you can you greet everyone while also explaining the elephant, or this case academy award winning actor, in the room.

Chat rapidly explodes. 

socallie: Dieter bravo?? DIETER BRAVO IS THAT YOU?

butterflybabe: holy shit is that actor dieter bravo?

floatify: Gio from Cliff Beasts I’m ur biggest fan  

soupjuicy: DIETER!!!! WOWOWOWOW I LOVE YOU!!!

svdbeau: Uh? HOW? EXPLAIN PLS??

gammagamma: This is the crossover I didn’t know I needed, this is my endgame

dreamfairy95: wait who is this guy

AJPlays: heeheeheee 

A j’s comment has you snickering. It’s enough to release the nerves and let you settle in. Unseen by chat or the camera Dieter rubs your knee fondly and a bigger smile tugs at your lips.

You explain that, since it’s VidCon, you thought to try something new and have a friend join. You don’t even have to see Dieter to know he’s smirking like the damn cat that caught the canary.

His agent and manager both loved the idea of him doing a surprise stream. 

“Apparently it would be a great way for me to ‘connect with the youth.’” He told you even using air quotes. “Like fuck, I get it. I’m old but hey I’m hip! I can hang!”

That was enough to have you agreeing in a fit of giggles. And after you accepted, then after he fucked your brains out, Dieter warmly told you this was a new fantasy he didn’t even know he needed. 

“Finally getting to have fun with my baby while playing games? That’s a dream come true ghostie.” 

You find now that maybe it’s a secret dream for you too. Finding someone who wants to sit beside you and cheer you on, who wants to enjoy this silly endeavor that’s become so important to you is a tender dream you want to cherish. 

Just thinking of it makes you reach down secretly to quickly squeeze his hand. 

“I came here to immortalize myself on the internet as one of the best Mario Kart players ever.” Dieter suddenly speaks and instead of it startling you, a surge of reassurance washes in.

You’re here with him. Who would have thought? Because instead of feeling overwhelmed at the thought of celebrity Dieter Bravo here, it’s simply your boyfriend, Dieter.

“Okay, let’s do this.” Dieter announces with competition and confidence beaming in his voice. “And yes my Mario Kart main is Birdo because I stan a queen in this household.”

He is a natural, effortlessly interacting with chat and laughing so easily with you. 

By the time you realize he’s beaten you twice on Bowser’s Castle, you find you never want to leave this moment. 

Because this moment? It is a bit ridiculous but wonderful. It reminds you of tasting a sour candy that makes your face pucker so tight but the taste is incredible and makes you only want more.

And you do, you want more moments with Dieter.

“Fuck YEAH! VICTORY! Eat my ASS BOWSER!”  

As Dieter screams excitedly, throwing his hands in the air and even doing the weirdest wiggle victory dance, you think you might be the real winner in this game.

[mymoonagedaydream]

Not sure what kind of AUs you write, but could you possibly do a Mob!Bucky x Soft!reader? And by soft!reader I mean she’s generally very kind, gentle, and cutesy, the “wouldn’t hurt a fly” type, except when defending those she cares for, then it’s like someone flipped a switch and she’s hell on wheels lol

All Bark and No Bite

Summary: When you fell on hard times, comfort came from the very last place you expected

Pairing: Mob!Bucky x Soft!Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: Language, intimidating behaviour

Author’s Note: I really loved this request :) thanks so much anon

---

Approaching the front door of your apartment, you heard low talking coming from inside. Your dad hadn’t mentioned anything about having guests over, but you were making his favourite spaghetti for dinner, so maybe he’d just invited a friend over to try it.

He loved showing you off to people, and you loved the proud smile he wore whenever he did.

You turned the key and pushed open the door, seeing your father in the front room, sitting beside a youngish man you didn’t recognise. Clean shaven with neatly slicked back hair and a pretty expensive-looking suit, he was absolutely nothing like the friends who were usually brought home for dinner.

As soon as your father saw you he jumped up from the couch, looking a little antsy. ‘Hi sweetie. This is Bucky, a friend from work.’ He walked over to you and gave you a kiss on the cheek, before turning round to look back at his friend. ‘This is my daughter, y/n.’

You gave Bucky a warm smile. ‘Nice to meet you.’

‘You too darlin.’ He had a thick, deep Brooklyn accent that made your stomach tingle.

‘Are you staying for dinner? I’m making spaghetti.’

Bucky sent a nervous look towards your father, who seemed to be attempting a very subtle head shake, hoping you wouldn’t notice. There was definitely something weird going on, you could’ve cut the tension in the room with a knife.

‘That’s alright.’ Bucky eventually replied. ‘I should get going soon.’

There was a slightly uncomfortable silence as you took your coat off and hung it by the front door. Only when you walked through to the kitchen did you hear the deep mumbling start again, far too quietly for you to make out any of the words.

You heard the front door open and close, then you heard your dad quickly shuffle into his bedroom.

---

An hour after the guest had left, dinner was ready, but your father was still locked away. You walked to his bedroom and timidly knocked on the door, inching it open to see him sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands.

‘Dad? Is everything alright?’

He looked up, you could immediately tell he’d been crying. He sighed and patted the bed, inviting you to sit by him.

‘I sorry, sweetheart.’ He reached out for your hand and squeezed it. ‘You know we’ve been struggling a bit lately and, well, I owe some money to some bad people.’

‘That man, who was here earlier?’

‘He’s one of them, but he was here to try and help me out. If they found out he could get into a lot of trouble.’

His grip on your hand was tightening, almost to the point of being painful, but if that’s what he needed to do to keep him grounded then you were happy to let him.

‘How bad is it?’

He turned to look at you, tears welling in his eyes. ‘We could lose everything.’

That hit you like a punch in the gut. He looked absolutely devastated. You hadn’t seen him like this for years, not since you lost your mother.

You moved your arms to circle his shoulders, giving him a tight hug.

‘It’s okay dad. We’ll figure it out.’

---

The next day, while your father was out at work, you were woken by aggressive banging on your apartment door. You considered ignoring it, but they didn’t let up, almost thudding the door off of its hinges.

Opening it cautiously, you saw two burly, intimidating guys staring down at you, and Bucky stood slightly behind them looking a little sheepish.

‘Hey there sweet thing.’ The one at the front said, his alcoholic breath washing over your face. ‘Is your daddy home?’

‘No, he’s not.’ Bucky’s face dropped slightly, obviously shocked by your firm tone.

‘Can you tell me where he is sugar?’

‘No.’

Bad breath gave a low, sinister chuckle before stepping forward and lowering his face to level with yours. ‘I really think you should. We don’t want to have to do this the hard way.’

You were probably being stupid and reckless, but no way were you going to be intimidated into compromising your dad’s safety. You leaned in even closer to your unwelcome guest, leaving barely an inch between your forehead and his.

‘If you so much as touch me, I’ll scream this fucking building to the ground.’

It took a second, but he eventually backed up. ‘I like you, kid. I’ll be seeing you. Soon.’

He turned and walked away, the other man you didn’t recognise following him closely. Bucky hesitated for a second, staring at you while his mouth curled into an impressed smile. He grabbed a cigarette from behind his ear and put it between his lips, winking at you before finally following his colleagues down the hallway.

After firmly pushing the door closed and sliding the chain across, you squeezed your eyes shut and let out a few shaky breaths, thankful that you’d come out of that interaction unscathed.

You never told your father what had happened. He had enough to worry about.

---

A few days later, you were working a double shift at the diner, trying to earn as much money as you could to help your dad out. You’d been on your feet for thirteen hours straight but, thankfully, it was pretty late, so the place was almost completely dead.

You were filling up the coffee machine with beans when you heard the bell above the door go. Turning your head, you saw Bucky saunter in, eyes glued to the newspaper in his hands.

He took a seat at the counter. You wiped your hands on your apron and went to stand opposite him.

‘Hi there.’ He seemed to recognise your voice, his head snapped up as soon as you spoke.

‘Hey.’ A wide smile spread across his face. ‘I’ve never seen you in here before.’

‘I don’t usually do the graveyard shift. Just, y’know, trying to earn some extra money.’

His smile dropped slightly after hearing the exhaustion in your voice.

You hadn’t intended to make him feel guilty. If anything, you owed him your gratitude, cause knowing that there was someone else helping your father out made you feel so much better about this shitty situation.

‘Coffee?’ You chirped, trying to lighten the mood a little.

‘Great, thanks.’ You grabbed him a mug and started pouring. ‘I, uh- I’m really sorry about the other day. Doorstep intimidation was really unwarranted, I tried to convince them out of it.’

‘It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault.’

He smirked slightly. ‘You handled it well enough. I was impressed.’

‘Oh I’m definitely all bark and no bite.’ You passed him his coffee and gave him a warm smile. ‘But keep that to yourself.’

Pottering around behind the counter for a while, you felt his gaze on you whenever you passed by him. It was actually quite nice, having this devilishly handsome man show some interest, so you found yourself coming up with as many excuses as possible to walk in front of him.

Ten-or-so minutes after he’d arrived, you had to duck into the kitchen briefly, and when you came out you found yourself pretty disappointed to see that he’d left.

You trudged over to his empty coffee mug, picking it up and double-taking when you saw that it’d been sitting on top of a fifty dollar note.

He must’ve left it by accident, surely? Fifty dollars is a ridiculous tip for a cup of coffee.

You slid it into your apron, figuring you’d give it back next time you saw him. You could even use it as an excuse to get your dad to invite him back to the house, but you hoped you wouldn’t have to resort to that- you hoped that maybe he’d come around by choice.

---

It’d been a week since you’d seen Bucky at the diner, the fifty dollar note was still sitting in your bedside dresser. Your father had been going downhill, getting worse everyday, and the temptation to give the money to him was getting more and more difficult to resist.

Coming back from the grocery store, you climbed the stairs of your apartment building and turned into your hallway, the sight that greeted you making you stop dead.

Bucky was sitting outside your apartment, leaning against the door, looking like he’d just been in a horrific car crash. As soon as he saw you he struggled up onto his feet, the full extent of his injuries becoming apparent as you got closer.

‘I’m really sorry y/n, I didn’t know where else to go.’

‘God Bucky, what happened to you?’

‘They found out what I’ve been doing.’

Your eyes widened in shock. ‘They did all this just because you helped my dad out?’

‘Not exactly.’ He winced as he limped out of the way of your door. ‘I haven’t been playing ball with them for years, I’m tangled up in more shit than I can keep track of.’

It was definitely a stupid idea to let a guy being chased by the mob into your home, you knew that, but you were really struggling not to feel sorry for him. He looked completely broken.

‘My dad’s gonna be out all day.’ His dejected nod at that was the final straw, you knew you had to help him. ‘But I’ll clean you up.’

You gave him a reassuring smile as you let him through the door. He steadily lowered himself onto the couch while you fetched a bowl of warm water and a clean cloth. You didn’t really know what you were doing, but you figured at the very least you could give him a bit of comfort and wipe all the dried blood off his face.

You took your makeshift first aid kit into the front room and sat next to him.

‘Look at me.’ He shifted his face towards you. You wrung out the cloth and gently pressed it to a deep gash above his eyebrow, making him wince. ‘I’m really sorry this happened, you didn’t deserve it.’

He chuckled lightly. ‘You gotta teach me how to do that.’

‘Do what?’

‘Flick between the nicest and the scariest person I’ve ever met.’

You gave him a faintly amused smile. ‘We lost my mom when I was a kid, my dad needed all the kindness he could get.’ Bucky looked a little shocked at your honesty. ‘But he’s also stupid as hell, so he needs defending pretty often.’

‘He’s lucky to have you.’

Your eyes flicked to meet his, sensing a hint of sadness behind his words. ‘Do you have anyone?’

‘If I did, I probably wouldn’t have ended up beat to shit and on the run.’

You sighed and nodded, dropping the cloth back into the bowl and scanning your eyes over his face again. ‘That’s about the best I can do. You’ve stopped bleeding, but you won’t be winning any beauty contests for a while.’

He chuckled and ran his hand over his hair, taking a deep breath.

You were really conflicted about what to do next. Having him here could put both you and your father at risk, but were you really just going to throw him back out on the street? Anything could happen to him out there, you’d never forgive yourself if he would up in an even worse state.

‘Bucky, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.’

‘Thanks.’ You could almost see a wave of relief passing over him. ‘I don’t think my place is safe at the moment.’

You reached out for his hand and squeezed it tight, a calm silence falling as your eyes locked together. He slowly moved his free hand up to brush a strand of hair away from your eyes, then letting it come to rest at your jawline, gently cupping the side of your face.

You closed your eyes and settled further into his hand, almost feeling yourself melting under his soft touch. Between working and looking after your father, you’d never really had the chance to get close to anyone like this, so these sensations were pretty new to you.

You felt his body shift slightly, and a second later felt his lips press against yours. It was unexpected, shocking you a little at first, but it didn’t take long before you relaxed completely and returned the kiss. It felt like there was electricity flowing through your body, making all your hairs stand up and your stomach do flips.

Getting a little carried away, you lifted your hands up to hold his face to, completely forgetting his extensive bruising. He winced slightly and pulled away.

‘Oh god, sorry I forgot.’

‘S’alright.’ He flashed you a wide smile. ‘I knew you had some bite in you.’

---

[youngbloodlisk]

Kitten // Kim Younghoon

"Your dirty, slutty dream came true, babygirl."

- hard rough dom younghoon

- smut with no plot whatsoever

- thank you to my subconscious for giving me dreams about this

- and thank you 🌙 anon for giving me more and more ideas relating to this and coaxing me on with this whole scenario and getting me super needy and inspired to actually write this out. you're a real one

- "accidental" miniature voyeurism w jacob

- choking

- oral (fem rec)

- unprotected sex WRAP IT BEFORE YOU TAP IT

- filthy

- degradation

- fluff near the end if you turn your head and squint

- usually i leave the first line before the cut, but since this one jumps right in with the smut i don't think i'm gonna leave the first line lmao

- the title is rlly just bc this is the first time i've properly used the pet name "kitten" in my writing lol

He presses on my back, arching it further, before returning his hand to my hip.

Younghoon is slamming his body against mine at a rapid pace, hitting extremely deep every time. With my back arched more, he can now reach even further inside me.

Explicits roll off my tongue and I press my face into the sheets to muffle my sounds. My hands are grabbing and clawing at the sheets like my life depends on it.

My his sweatshirt is still on my body, but bunched up. The only part of me that isn't exposed is my chest, a bit of my back, and my arms. Meanwhile, he's still fully clothed, with his pants just low enough to have his cock out.

He actually likes to use the excuse that he's self-conscious, but I know full well that he isn't insecure at all around me or any of the guys anymore. I can also just tell when he's lying. I think he doesn't wanna admit that he finds it super hot to fuck me with as many clothes left on as possible. I'm not gonna complain though. It is pretty hot.

My vision is starting to get blurry, and my body almost feels numb to my mind. All I can think about is how good he's making me feel.

He's mostly silent, letting out a few low grunts and growls, unless he's talking to me.

He digs his fingers into me, clearly starting to lose himself in the feeling.

My body jolts with each thrust from him, but only slightly, thanks to his ever-tightening grip on my hips.

I stare at the door, which is wide open, as I have been almost the entire time Younghoon's been drilling into me like this.

I've been waiting and waiting for someone to walk by and see way more than they bargained for.

I'm sure they've been avoiding walking this way though, as the sounds have definitely given away what's taking place.

My whining, my muffled moaning and screaming, his grunting, and skin against skin...

So, I'm not sure why Jacob ends up walking by the door... or why he stands there and watches for a moment, frozen, locking into my tear-filled eyes.

I struggle as I try to prop myself up on my elbows, trying to at least be in a position that wasn't so humiliating.

Younghoon is quick to notice this, and notice why I'm doing it.

"Your dirty, slutty dream came true, babygirl. Someone caught you." He says in the most condescending way possible before going even harder and faster (which I didn't think was even possible).

My arms go entirely weak and my face falls back onto the mattress with an embarrassing, involuntary cry of pleasure.

Jacob quickly realizes he's been watching, and turns to leave, but not before accidentally letting his smirk show.

"Did you notice how hard he was getting, kitten? I bet he's going to his room to jerk off thinking about you getting ruined like this..." I clench around Younghoon at his words. "Oh, you like that, you slut?" His hands leave my hips, one of them wrapping around my stomach and the other wrapping around my neck. He tightens both grips and pulls my body up to be as far against his as possible without pulling out.

Younghoon's sweet, yet (in this context) demonic voice whispers in my ear.

"I hope you always remember that you're only mine to ruin." He emphasizes words with hard thrusts. "You know I'm the only one who can make you feel like this, don't you, kitten?"

All I can force out of my mouth is mumblings and whispered moaning, my brain entirely going haywire as his hold on my neck tightens again and he thrusts up into me.

My legs feel like gelatin.

"I've got you speechless, huh?" He lets go of me, let's my almost limp body fall back onto the mattress before grabbing my hips again, and drills into me.

He's truly showing no mercy.

"Tell me, kitten... do you think Jacob would fuck you like this?"

"N...No-" I barely squeeze out.

"Who fucks you like this, huh? Say his name."

"Y-Younghoon..." It comes out like a whisper.

He digs his fingers into me again, on purpose this time.

"Say it loud, you slut. Who?"

"Younghoon!" It would have taken all of my energy to scream his name the way I did, but it didn't. He started to rub circles on my clit while still pounding into me, causing me to scream his name naturally.

I can feel his ego rise by the second.

He gives me no warning, besides his thrusts becoming jerky and inconsistent, before he coats my insides with his cum.

He pulls out once he's done and I whine, being so close to my own release and suddenly having nothing.

My hand reaches down to touch myself, but he grabs my wrist and pushes my arm away. Younghoon flips me over and within seconds has his mouth attached to my pussy.

I swear that we're gonna get a noise complaint because my hand is doing a really shitty job at covering my screams and moans as Younghoon licks and sucks on me, pulling me closer and closer to the orgasm of a lifetime.

My toes are curled tight and my chest rises and falls intensely.

He's told me a million times when he's being this rough that I'm not allowed to touch any of him without permission, so no matter how badly I wanna tug on his hair, I resist.

One hand holds tightly to the sheet while the other one covers my mouth.

Younghoon glances up at me and grabs my hand, pulling it away from my mouth and holding me by the wrist.

He stops just long enough to say:

"Be loud, kitten. I love hearing your voice."

His lips wrap around my clit and he sucks hard, finally allowing my orgasm to wash over my exhausted body hard, and I moan his name loudly.

There's no way that a single person in the house isn't aware of what's just happened.

He licks between my folds to help me come down from my high, careful to avoid my clit so he doesn't overstimulate me too much.

"Younghoon!" Sangyeon's voice yells from across the house. "Did you forget about the Love Revolution cast event tonight? Jihoon's outside with his car to pick you up!"

"Oh shit..." Younghoon's eyes go wide and he quickly starts taking off his casual clothes. "Tell him I'll be there in just a minute!"

I laugh when he falls over trying to pull his sweatpants off, and he remembers my presence. "Babygirl, I'm so sorry I have to just leave you like this." He rambles as he gets dressed in some nice clothes as fast as possible. "Don't go home, stay here tonight. I promise when I get back I'll cuddle you and give you kisses and talk to you as long as you want. I'm so sorry, I know it's just terrible of me to be that rough and then immediately leave you. You know I wanna be here to care for you-"

"Younghoon, shut up." I chuckle, sitting up on the bed. "I do know you wanna stay, but you have responsibilities. It's okay, really. I'll be here when you get back, baby. Just have a fun night with your cast-mates, okay?"

He finished tying his shoe and sighs, coming over to me and landing a sweet kiss on my lips. I can still taste myself on him.

"I love you." He says with the most thankful and gratitude, as if to imply a "what did I do to deserve you?".

"I love you, too."

"Kim Younghoon!" This time it's Jihoon's voice, clearly coming from the front door.

"Coming!"

Younghoon hurries out of the room and I notice he left so fast that his phone is still sitting the bedside table.

I grab it and follow after him, silently thanking this sweatshirt for being long enough to fully cover my bare body. My legs are still pretty much fully exposed, but as long as no one sees me walking around with my ass hanging out, that's fine by me.

"Younghoon! Phone." He turns and I toss his phone to him, which he catches swiftly.

"Thanks, baby. See you later."

"Have fun!"

I feel a few pairs of eyes on me and look around to notice Kevin, Chanhee, Sangyeon, and Jihoon all staring at my legs.

"Park Jihoon!" Younghoon mocks Jihoon's tone from before.

"S-Sorry!" Jihoon follows Younghoon out the door, but Younghoon quickly peeks his head back in before the door shuts.

"No one touches my girlfriend or they're dead, got it? But look at her all you want." He tosses me a teasing look and a wink, finally closing the door behind him.

[subarublue]

Joke’s On You

One Shot

Fandom: Devil May Cry

Timeline: Post DMC4 (could even be post DMC5 if you want…I kept those details vague. The only telling thing is the fact that Nero’s there)

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Dante x Female Reader

Word Count: 4224

Read on Ao3

Summary: “Hey! Know any good jokes, sweetheart?”

If ever there was someone who could get bored in the middle of a fight, it was most definitely Dante.

Notes: So...this is an old one. I say that even though this was just posted on Ao3 last September only because it was my first story ever. I was debating on whether or not to post it here because I don’t feel 100% happy with it, but I figure, eh what the heck. I’m never gonna revise it though, so I can look back and see how much better I’ve gotten at writing...if at all, lol.

“Hey! Know any good jokes, sweetheart?” Dante called out before he shot another large demon that thought it was a smart idea to target the weakest member of your group; you. You might have wondered if the thing regretted its decision, that is, if your blood hadn’t suddenly rushed to your face at the pet name he’d used to address you. God, you loved it when he called you that...well, at least you assumed he was talking to you. You highly doubted he’d call Nero that.

He glanced at you with a smirk. He must’ve known what calling you that did to you and you really wished you could hide your face without risking your life at that moment. You were sure he could tell that you were as red as a tomato despite how dark the street you were currently on was.

It certainly didn’t help that you’d fallen hard for the man. Adding in the fact that he was a huge flirt and had you blushing like mad at pretty much everything he said anyway made you wonder if he knew about your little crush on him. But he never said anything about it so you assumed...maybe he hadn’t actually noticed? You weren’t sure which you preferred.

He was looking at you again, expectantly this time. Oh, right. He’d asked you a question.

“A good joke!?” you sounded incredulous as you fired off round after round at more demons closing in on you. Did he really mean now?

Who were you kidding? Of course he meant now. If ever there was someone who could get bored in the middle of a fight, it was most definitely Dante. You could just hear Nero’s groan over all the commotion, clearly showing his annoyance with the older hunter.

Dante cut a large arc through the air with his sword, killing three more demons at once when they tried to jump over him. “Yeah! This is gettin’ kinda old. Think we could use some better entertainment.” You could hear the playful lilt to his voice. While he was enjoying himself, he was quickly losing interest in the fight. You knew that last part had been a gibe at the weak demons you all were fighting, so you weren’t quite sure if he was serious or not.

“Are you for real, right now? Don’t you think we ought to be concentrating on trying not to get killed, instead?” Of course by ‘we’ you really meant yourself. It wouldn’t do for you to be distracted right now after all; you weren’t nearly as experienced as the other two. You shot down another small demon that made it past Nero with your rifle. He and Dante were taking on the brunt of the work, shooting and slicing through the huge horde that was advancing on your small group, while you stayed a ways behind taking care of any demons that got lucky enough to make it by the two hunters in front of you.

“Aw! Come on now, babe! You got nothing to worry about!” Dante yelled back to you as he sliced another demon in half. “I’ll protect you. I can be your knight in red leather!” Dante threw you a grin before turning back to the fight. The demons were advancing more quickly now, their desperation to overrun the three of you growing by the minute. You shook off your embarrassment at his cheesy line and slung your rifle over your shoulder by the strap. You drew two pistols instead since it seemed that speed was becoming more necessary as the demons tried to swarm the three of you.

You heard Nero bite out, “Would you knock it off already? I doubt she’s interested in your old ass, so lay off! We got a job to do!” He skewered a demon that tried to slip by him with his sword.

You couldn’t have wanted to smack Nero in the head more than in that moment. You knew you probably weren’t Dante’s type (though you weren’t really sure what his type was exactly), but you surely didn’t need, nor want, any more help in turning away the man’s attentions. Even if the flirting didn’t mean anything to him.

“You seem to forget, kid,” Dante started, emphasizing the word “kid” to get a rise out of Nero, “that she and I have known each other for quite a while now. If she’s got a problem with me, she knows she can just say so,” he finished as he took out another demon trying to get the jump on him. The taunt worked, and you could see Nero bristle at being called a kid as he took his anger out on another particularly unlucky devil. “Besides, what do you care? You gettin’ jealous over there, or something? Thought you already had a girlfriend? Or are you as bad at relationships as you are at killing demons?”

You glanced back at Dante as he taunted Nero some more in time to see another weak enemy “sneak” by him (you were sure he allowed it so you’d have something to practice on), and it was easily gunned down by your pistols. Unfortunately, you missed whatever spluttered reply Nero had made. Probably some comment on how Dante himself had terrible luck with women.

“Shouldn’t we be focusing more on the fight?” you asked nervously. You didn’t doubt Dante could and would protect you (Nero too, of course), but there was always that ‘what if?’ “I mean, I do know some of good ones, but...” you trailed off.

He was quick to reply before you could finish. “Yeah! I’m in the mood for a good laugh. This has been pretty tedious and boring anyway,” he continued with his taunting. “And don’t worry so much! The end’s in sight.”

Sure enough, a glance down the dim street showed the end of the horde of demons. Finally, you thought.

“Is this really the time for that kind of thing?!” You heard Nero’s exclamation over the sound of Red Queen revving as he picked off a few more demons.

“Any time’s a good time! What’re you talkin’ about!?” Dante defended.

The remaining demons had now changed tactics, opting for a straight forward attack as they desperately charged up the street, taking the two, more experienced hunters head-on. That’s not a very smart plan, you thought wryly. Dante had put Ivory away at some point in favor of using Ebony in conjunction with his sword as the rest of demons drew in close. Thankfully, none of them were particularly strong and with Dante and Nero flanking you, you figured you were well protected and finally decided to humor the man.

“Okay, I do know a really good one, but it’s kind of long. Has a really good punch line, though!” you said as you thought about the best joke you knew. You’d learned it from a friend a long time ago, and it was by far one of the best you’d heard. You figured it would be the kind of joke Dante would appreciate. On second thought, you were almost too embarrassed to tell it. God he’s gonna make so much fun of me for it later. Maybe I should pick a different one, you thought, remembering the joke’s end. As the demons’ numbers dwindled, they began to get more desperate and frustrated at the fact that they hadn’t even drawn blood from any of you.

“Well, we gotta hear it now!” came Dante’s over-ecstatic reply and you knew he wasn’t going to drop it until you told the joke.

You heard Nero groan again and mutter something you couldn’t quite catch over the sound of his sword’s engine. It sounded a bit like ‘not pandering to old men’ or something like that.

“Sooo,” you started off loudly, trying to talk over the noise of the fight as you shot another demon trying to get in close, “somewhere far away in a valley, there is this forest. And in the middle of this forest, is a lake. And over this lake is a fly, buzzing around and minding its own business.”

“What the hell kind of joke is this supposed to be?” Nero rattled off as another demon fell to his blade.

“Shut up and listen and you’ll see!” You got a little aggravated with him since you’d barely started and he was already complaining. “Anyways, in the water is a fish, watching this fly buzzing over this lake, in the middle of this forest, in this valley far away. And the fish thinks to itself, You know, if that fly would just drop six inches, I could jump out of the water, catch that fly, and have myself a tasty snack!" A demon caught you off guard in that moment. You knew you wouldn’t be fast enough to defend yourself, but before you could even react you caught sight of Dante’s sword hacking it in half. He’d definitely made good on his claim of being your knight and you couldn’t help but smile.

“Sounds like a good one! Keep going, sweetheart!” Dante said as he turned away to stop another demon from trying to impale him with a claw. You were glad he was distracted so he couldn’t see you blush again.

You continued, “Now a ways away on the bank of this lake, is a bear. And this bear is watching this fish, watch this fly, buzzing over this lake, in this forest, in this valley far away. And the bear thinks to itself, You know, if that fly would just drop six inches, the fish would go for that fly, I could rush in, catch that fish and have myself a yummy dinner!” You killed a couple more demons that tried to sneak up on Nero, and he grunted out his gratitude. Unlike Dante, he was clearly not enjoying himself.

“Further on down the bank, is a hunter.” Nero groaned again and you suspected he must be setting a new record for the number of groans in one night. You heard Dante chuckle on the other side of you though, so you pressed on, “And this hunter is watching this bear, watch this fish, watch this fly, buzzing over this lake, in this forest, in this valley far away. And the hunter thinks to himself, You know, if that fly would just drop six inches, the fish would go for that fly, the bear would go for that fish, and while it’s distracted, I could shoot that bear,” you paused as you heard a gunshot from Nero’s gun go off killing another demon, “and have myself a nice trophy.”

You could see the end more clearly now. Only about twenty or so demons were left and they were getting cut down pretty quickly, so you kept going, “Now at the edge of the hunter’s camp, is a cat.”

“Let me guess...stupid cat is watching the hunter, watching the bear, blah, blah, blah!” Nero grated out, clearly annoyed as he swung his sword at another demon desperately trying to get a hit in.

“What!? NO!” you yelled at him, getting annoyed yourself at his interruptions. You supposed you couldn’t really blame him. This had been a pretty tedious job as Dante had stated earlier. Taking a moment to shoot another approaching demon, you calmed yourself and grinned at Nero since he’d only been half wrong. “He’s eyeballing the hunter’s turkey sandwich!”

“What the hell? Really!?” Nero seemed pretty exasperated at this point, but you heard Dante bark out a laugh as he killed another demon and decided you really didn’t care too much as long you could hear that laugh again.

You continued on, punch line in sight. "So this cat is also watching this hunter watch this bear, watch this fish, watch this fly, buzzing over this lake, in this forest, in this valley far away.” You could almost see the irritation rolling of Nero in waves at the fact that he was half right. “And the cat thinks to itself, You know, if that fly would just drop six inches, the fish would go for that fly, the bear would go for that fish, the hunter would go for that bear, and while he’s distracted, I could dart in and have myself a turkey sandwich!”

“Come on kid, cheer up! We’re almost done here!” you heard Dante yell over you at Nero and you couldn’t quite tell by his tone if he was trying to bait Nero or actually encourage him. Looking around though, you noticed he was right. There was only a handful of demons left to deal with.

“So anywaaay,” you stopped their conversation before Nero could reply and Dante gave you a sheepish grin in apology for the interruption, “eventually, the inevitable happens. The fly drops six inches!” you cried out as the last few remaining demons rushed the three of you. Realizing you wouldn’t be fast enough to be of much help, Dante and Nero took a defensive stance around you.

They slashed and shot at the remaining demons as you took the opportunity to bring your joke up to the punch line, “The fish leaps out of the water,” you raised your voice over the sound of the battle as Dante leapt in the air and brought his sword down, severing one of the demon’s heads from its body, “and snatches the fly right out of the air!”

Nero charged a demon closing in and dispatched it quickly. “The bear rushes into the lake and grabs the fish!” You turn to see Dante brandishing Ivory. “The hunter cocks his gun, takes aim, and fires!” The sound of real gunshots added sound effects to your story.

“The cat darts for the sandwich, trips on a can, rolls forward, and SPLOOSH! Ends up right in the lake!” you shouted as both Dante and Nero brought their swords down on the last two remaining demons.

What followed was a deafening silence in the wake of a clamorous fight. For a moment, no one spoke. First taking stock of the surrounding area, Dante listened intently for any stragglers. Finding nothing, he then nodded at you and Nero, signaling that the area was clear and the fight was over. You holstered your pistols as Dante and Nero put away their weapons as well and turned to face you. Nero was still clearly irritated, but Dante looked expectant and you wondered if you could bait one of them into asking for the punch line. You waited a beat, then spoke, “The end!” You then took a little bow to end your tale.

“WAIT! WHAT THE HELL?! THAT’S IT?!” Nero was almost yelling. Apparently, even though he’d been clearly annoyed by your joke, he seemed to have become quite invested in it. “That’s not even a joke! That’s just a weird, fucking story! Where’s the punch line?”

Hook, line, and sinker, you thought, snickering to yourself. The look on your face turned mischievous and a glance at Dante showed you a knowing grin as he awaited your punch line. “You’re absolutely right, Nero!”

“Huh?” He blinked, obviously confused for a moment as to why you’d agreed with him. You didn’t pause for long, though.

“But every story has a moral. Wanna take a guess at what the moral of this story is?” You waggled your eyebrows for added effect, which incited a chuckle out of Dante and you decided you really wanted to hear it more often.

Nero’s annoyance had returned by now and he stated through gritted teeth, “Don’t try and steal someone’s fucking turkey sandwich?”

Your smile fell immediately and you leveled him with the most deadpan look you could muster. “You must be real fun at parties, huh?” You heard Dante snort in an effort to stifle his laughter, which only seemed to irritate Nero further.

Remembering the punch line, you fought a sudden wave of shyness that crept up. You managed to succeed though, deciding to just barrel forward with it. “The moral of this story is:” you paused for dramatic effect, then shooting finger guns at the two men in front of you, delivered your punch line, “Every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet!”

There was a beat of stunned silence before Nero’s face turned beet red and Dante erupted in a raucous laughter that had him doubled over clutching his sides. Nero spluttered for a bit, unable to form a coherent stream of words together at first, due to his embarrassment.

Dante, still laughing, managed to speak in between breaths, “Holy shit, sweetheart! That’s got to be the best one I’ve heard in a while!” You couldn’t help but blush again (How many times had it been now?) at the combination of him using that pet name again and praise for your long-winded, dirty joke. As Dante’s laughter finally subsided, Nero seemed to have managed to collect himself.

“Man, you guys suck! I’m out! Next time, get Trish or Lady to go along with you ‘cause I ain’t coming!” The way he said it, you knew he wasn’t serious, but it had been a long night and he turned to stalk off angrily.

“Hey, kid! Don’t be like that. Loosen up a bit! You don’t wanna hurt her feelings, do ya?” Dante reprimanded Nero lightly. He wouldn’t take offense to anything Nero said, but he certainly didn’t want him taking his frustrations out on you.

Nero sighed and turned around. “Alright, alright,” he conceded, scratching the back of his head. “Sorry. Guess I’m just tired. It’s been a long night,” he finished with a nod to you. “The joke was actually a decent one, even if it was a bit long,” he paused, “and dirty.” He made an embarrassed face at that which had you giggling.

Suddenly, your mischievous grin was back and Nero wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what came out of your mouth next. “But the buildup is the most important part! You can’t have a good finish without a little foreplay!” You made finger guns at Nero again for emphasis and his blush was back tenfold as Dante started laughing again at his expense.

To his credit, Nero recovered more quickly this time, “God I’m so done with you two! I’m going home. See ya around!” he said it a bit harshly, but both you and Dante saw the hint of smile on his face as he turned away.

“Tell Kyrie ‘Hi’ for us!” Dante called out to him as he walked away. “Maybe you should tell her the joke!”

A loud and annoyed ‘BYE’ was all you got for a response as he left and you snickered a bit as Dante came up to stand beside you.

“Some people just don’t understand good humor,” he said as he turned to look at you, an expression of mirth on his face. He winked at you when you glanced up at him, and you were pretty sure your face was now permanently the same color as his jacket.

God! Could I be any more obvious? you grimaced inwardly, but outwardly, managed a shy smile for your friend. That’s right, just friends. “Well I don’t know about good humor, but at least someone enjoyed it,” you said in response. Dante nodded, but didn’t reply and, for a moment, just stood there watching you. It felt like forever as you started to fidget under his intense gaze, but in reality it was probably less than a minute.

Finally he broke the silence, “You know...it’s getting pretty late and I’m a bit tired after all that. Don’t quite feel like driving you home tonight. How about you just crash at the shop? There’ll be pizza, maybe a movie. I’ll even buy this time, sweetheart.” In the silence of the night, you just knew he could hear your heart thundering in your chest. Belatedly, you realized he’d called you sweetheart almost all night, having dropped the ‘babe’ a long time ago. His normal cocky smirk was gone, replaced by a soft smile.

You tried to school your emotions into a blank mask, but you were pretty sure you failed miserably, and you gave him a timid laugh. You tried to break through your shyness again by cracking a joke with him. “You? Buy? You sure you got enough money for that, Dante, ‘cause that almost sounds like a date, you know?” You found you couldn’t look him in the eyes at the moment.

You heard Dante chuckle beside you and tried to savor the sound for as long as you could. “Well, what would you do if it was?”

You froze at that. You were pretty sure your mouth had dropped open and was catching flies, but you couldn’t seem to get any decent words to form at first as you floundered for a response. “Wha-what do you m-mean, what if it was?!” you finally managed to squeak out.

“Thought I was pretty obvious there, but if you need me to spell it out for you, I’m asking for a date.” He winked at you again, smile still on his face. You realized then, he most definitely did know about you’re little crush on him. Now there was a burning question in your mind you just had to ask.

“How long have you known?” You almost whispered it, your voice was so quiet, but you knew he heard you clearly. He crossed his arms over his chest, and your eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to them, staring blatantly at his exposed forearms.

He cleared his throat and the sound immediately brought your eyes back up to his face. “Pretty much since we met,” he answered as you gaped at him. His face wore an expression that told you he knew you’d been ogling him. “You aren’t exactly subtle about it, point in case.” The smile on his face grew into a grin, probably because you were blushing like mad again and he knew he was the reason for it.

When you finally calmed down after a moment, but face still red, you managed to reply, “Yeah, well, you don’t exactly make it easy for a girl to hide it, ya know?” You were smiling like crazy too as you peeked up at him from under your eyelashes. Another question flashed through your mind and you decided to voice it too, “Why did you wait so long to call me on it?”

He sighed, taking on a serious tone. “My day job, or well night job I guess, is pretty dangerous as you very well know.” He gestured to the carnage that was left in the wake of the battle. “Gotta make sure my girl can take care of herself in case I’m not around to do it for her.” You blinked at that. You knew he had a big target on his back, being the son of Sparda and all that, so it was very likely that anyone he’d get close to could end up a target, too.

Suddenly though, your brain caught up with exactly what he’d said, “Wait, your girl?! I...I did hear that correctly, right?” Your mind was in overdrive, but you couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off your face as it grew. “Is that why you first asked me to start practice shooting with you? So you could make sure I could handle myself, if necessary?”

“Yeah, pretty much. You’re still not quite there yet, but I just got tired of waitin’, ya know?” he said at first, but then his expression fell to panic, suddenly realizing how you could take that the wrong way, and he tried to clarify, “Not that you’re a slow learner or anything! You’re doing really great, actually! I just meant that...well, I was...I just, uh,” he gave up and sighed heavily, turning his head up to the sky with his eyes closed in frustration. He felt like he’d already fucked this up and he hadn’t even gotten to get that pizza with you yet.

You startled him a bit as you gently took hold one of his hands. He uncrossed his arms to let you as he looked down at you again. “I know what you meant,” you said softly holding his hand with both of yours. You added teasingly, “You’ve never really been the patient type.”

“Yeah, yeah. C’mere you.” He pulled you into hug and you relished the feeling of his strong arms wrapping around you.

You giggled. “Guess you’re pretty lucky that I’m interested in your ‘old ass,’ huh?” you said poking fun at him over what Nero had said earlier.

“Ha! Joke’s on you, sweetheart,” he replied, pulling away slightly with a devilish grin. “You’re the one crushin’ on my ‘old ass.’ Now, then…” He pulled you back in close, bending down so that his mouth was right next to your ear as he lowered his voice to a husky whisper, “Why don’t we head back to my place and find out how true that little punch line of yours is?”

You let out a squeak at that and he laughed for the umpteenth time that night, but you decided you had no complaints on the matter when he leaned in for a kiss.

[toujoursmiraculous]

Thoughts on the New York Special!

I never thought I’d see such an episode but here we are. I think I screamed a dozen times or more, I’m not even sure. But I have a sore, scratchy throat to show for it and I’m okay with that. Most of it was at how many times Adrien kept being not-just-a-friend and both secondhand embarrassment and pity for Marinette’s attempt to see him only as a friend kicked in. But I’ll start from the beginning. No, the voice actors aren’t different, the audio’s been manipulated and is pitched down! **Except Nino. Nino’s voice actor resigned and has been replaced**

Ladynoir friendship + a glimpse of their Astro forms? Heck yes!

Ms. Bustier having a baby was something I had a feeling about but can’t actually believe it’s happening and I’m just so happy for her. Best teacher award should go to her and her student’s reactions just prove that.

“Adrien, you’re our Sock Washington!”

this is his version of Marinette’s

“You’re our everyday Ladybug.”

Sad Adrien and trying-too-hard-to-be-just-friends-Marinette interact and she’ll do what she has to do to get him to go along.

Honestly, I think Marinette trying not to reveal her feelings is better than this, this is just painful to watch her try so hard. Dx

Sad Adrien not being able to fence properly so Kagami who he possibly? likely? is dating, considering she kissed him, asks what’s wrong.

You know, instead of what a good girlfriend/love interest/friend would do and try to sympathize and attempt to make him feel better, she pushes aside his feelings and makes it about her... Oh Kagami, this won’t bode well. Poor Adrien deserves better than being told he and his feelings aren’t as important. He gets plenty of that at home.

Absolutely love the attention Gorilla gets in this, it’s so cute.

LUKA IS THE BEST FRIEND EVER UGH. How many girls have a guy in their life that has feelings for them, yes, but still would do anything that would make her happy, even be with someone else? Who would go to lengths to make sure things work out how she wants them?

Okay, the whole plane scene before everyone fell asleep was intense. I can feel Marinette’s anxiety and desperation so hard, I feel so bad.

I also feel bad that Adrien sounded disappointed by her not sitting by him (and probably doesn’t quite understand why she won’t, either) as well as Ms. Mendeleiev knowing her students think less of her than Ms. Bustier and doesn’t like that.

AND also that both Marinette and Adrien for having to feel guilty for making a trip out of the country. :/ Nobody deserves it more than them.

Wow, that’s a lot of things to feel bad about early on.

Marinette’s luck really sucks on this trip, doesn’t it? Turbulence in the bathroom. Yikes. But of all people to notice her walk by, it has to be Adrien while they watch the beautiful sunset together. Of course it does. It’s like he has some sensor that knows when Marinette is sad or something. x3

Adrien, looking sweetly and IN LOVE at her: “You’ve got something, Marinette...”

“So-something?”

“Yeah, there. In your hair.”

....

Alya: I can’t decide if they’re the cutest people I know, or the most embarrassing.

Nino: I love Adrien, but he’s like a baby chick that just started cracking out of his egg.

I- They’re just so done 😂

Then you see more of Alya/Nino and their Operation New York plan and it’s freaking adorable, but you think Adrien’s done talking but OH NO there’s more

“...Well, what I meant to say was...thanks for managing to convince my father. *gives her a hug*”

Okay, first off

OH MY GOSH I CAN’T EVEN WITH THIS. THIS IS JUST SO SWEET AND CUTE AHHH THIS IS THE FIRST ADRIENETTE HUG EVER! I screamed so loud I just... my heart is so happy. ;~;

Second,

slyly grinning

IS THIS NERVOUS ADRIEN, I SEE? He tried to say it the first time but chickened out. 😉

Also, you cannot convince me that when they both went and sat back in their seats, anxious as the plane was getting attacked, that they would not be holding hands if Marinette had actually ended up sitting by him.

Aeon sees them together for ONE MINUTE. Just one. And she knows.  To all the people that

still

somehow doubt that they’ll be together...what will it take for you to realize that they are?

Sabrina liking that boy makes me so happy, she actually gets some scenes that aren’t related to Chloe!

Alya: And you might make a friend. *elbows Mari*

Marinette: 😑

Hehehe the teasing’s not gonna stop, you set yourself up for this.

I’ve counted people referring to Marinette and Adrien as “friends” of some degree 21 times so far. Let’s see what it gets to at the end.

Class: We just got here but LET’S SNEAK OUT TO GO TO A PARTY....and almost get busted.

The sound effects in this are everything, I adore them. xDDD

The way Adrien smiled at Marinette when they had their backs to the door, and how his smile faded when he realized they weren’t alone. 😂

Jess: Ugh people in my room

Aeon: HAHA THEY’RE SO ADORABLE THIS IS THE BEST. I TOLD YOU THEY’RE MADE FOR EACH OTHER

Marinette: Is it a bird?

Adrien: Is it a plane?

Sabrina’s crush: No, it’s Hot Dog Dan!

Why do you have to get me with that xDD

Okay, but the girl saying “Go Sabrina!” made me happy too ugh. Just the fact that Sabrina came to America and people like her is just the best.

Highpitched!Nino: FINALLY, MY CHICKS WINGS ARE GROWING

Not that the show didn’t make me laugh before but dang, I keep laughing at this humor. It’s like a crack video mixed with the sweetest romance.

“OH! That’s the song we danced to at Chloe’s birthday party, remember?”

“Oh, yes, hahah”

looks at her sweetly, shyly

“Then...will you?”

ADRIEN, MY LOVE, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING THROUGH THAT PRETTY HEAD OF YOURS. So... you remember. And it makes you happy. And you, again, nervously ask her. To dance with you. Again.

You’ve looked at her with the most soft of expressions more times in under an hour than I’ve seen anyone look at someone

ever

. Uggggh the way he’s falling for her is just so sweet.

And I’ve lost count of how many “friends” there have been due to the overwhelming cuteness. I think 25?

The fact that Adrien and Marinette can’t get through an automated door. I’m wondering what’s causing that? The fact both have a Kwami with them? Is Aeon messing with them? I don’t really think the latter is happening so I’m puzzled but it’s hilarious.

“I don’t mind being stuck somewhere with a friend like you” with the most adorable expression on his face ever.

ADRIEN PLEASE, ARE YOU TRYING TO DESTROY ME WITH THIS? 

Jess: And in order to save him...

Aeon: Don’t kidnap him, I LOVE him!

😂 I wanted Jess’s plan to work out so badly though.

Maybe next time.

Miraculous out here teaching American history. 👍 Totally forgot Lafayette was only 19 when he arrived in America and asked to become a general, but he had just turned 20 when he fought his first battle. The white powdered wig always threw me off of everyone’s real ages.

I think this is the closest Marinette and Adrien have transformed out in the open like this.

Ooof @ pissed off and sarcastic Ladybug.

Chat Noir: I was afraid of losing your trust!

Ladybug: Well I can’t trust you anymore, can I?!

Ooohh that hurts. That really hurts. And that distraction like that really went bad. Good thing Aeon’s not human. x.x I really do feel like them finding out their identities would solve more problems than it’d cause at this point.

I get that the situation was bad, but excuse me, they have no right to demand their Miraculouses. Ladybug’s the

Guardian

.

Knight Owl: “Stop right there, that’s an order.”

LB & CN: WE DON’T ANSWER TO YOU

Lol love the way they ran off and got away without being seen.

Sad and in pain Ladynoir. Wow, this whole scene feels so mature.

And Marinette’s reaction to Chat Noir renouncing Plagg and crying as he ran away hurt so much. I was not expecting all the angst!

Poor Adrien’s traumatized now. He knows he’s lucky she wasn’t human and things worked out, but he also knows that he came this close to Cataclysming Ladybug, and he couldn’t deal with that.

Liiri is so cute I want to see more of her! Very grateful she doesn’t end up in the hands of Gabriel for long.

But really Gabriel, it would’ve been smarter to take it to Paris than give it to a villain in New York where it ends up with a superhero. xD

Depressed Plagg is another level of ouch. Depressed Marinette and Adrien looking at each other like they’re about to cry is yet another.

Marinette about Chat Noir: He made his choice. What were we supposed to do?

Adrien: I wouldn’t have minded being stuck here a little longer with a friend like you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why did you have to go there again?

And then she gasps and really looks like she’s going to burst into tears, and then he gets even

sadder. “My father’s right, I should’ve never come to New York.” Alya: “What is wrong with you, Marinette?! Couldn’t you see that he was just waiting for you to tell him to stay?” “He made his choice. What did you expect me to do?” “It doesn’t matter what I expected you to do! Who’s Adrien to you? A friend or more than a friend? There will never be a better time to be clear with yourself, Marinette! Do you want him to leave or do you want him to stay?”

Within minutes, Marinette said the same thing about both Chat Noir and Adrien. o.o

Also hold up. If what Alya’s saying is true, which very well could be considering how he went from looking sad but still smiling, to looking utterly crushed after saying that line to her and her reaction, and the fact he said it before... Along with every single thing he did the whole trip.... Are we missing something, here? At first I thought it’s just Adrien being Adrien but about to actually acknowledge his feelings, just not yet. Seeing just the trailer I thought it was gratitude maybe, but obviously this is much more than that. But is it possible at all that he already has and, considering how she’s told him she doesn’t have feelings for him more than once before, that he’s been hoping to drive her to say otherwise this entire time and find out if she actually really does have feelings for him? 🤔

Because dang that’d explain everything he’s been doing.

I know he’s hurting over what happened with Uncanny Valley and giving up his Miraculous and leaving Ladybug. But it

still

came down to him with Marinette, looking at her like that was his last bit of hope and happiness he wanted to hold onto and was dashed....

NOT OKAY.

Again, Marinette’s luck on this trip SUCKS so much what the heck, you can’t even let her phone have battery??

Her rushing after him in the pouring rain on a bike screaming for him to stay and then falling hard (oof mustn’t have felt good for Plagg and Tikki) to just lie there in the street whispering “Adrien I...love you,” broke me. It really did. It’s so beautiful and so sad and I just want them to be happy oh gosh. 😭

But please get out of the road sweetie, you’re going to get run over.

By the way, I think I’m at 29 times they referred to each other or others referred to them as friends. Not sure though, I lost count and my heart’s a mess.

So Majestia decided to just blow skyscrapers far through the city and into the water that would no doubt kill everyone inside... in New York City...where skyscrapers were literally destroyed in real life killing thousands? I really hope this isn’t supposed to be a kind of reference.

Also the President of the United States being a superheroine that’s in harms way interacting with supervillains that can do horrific things such as forcing her to spill national secrets or use her power from things such as mind control to control the nation, for example, probably isn’t the smartest thing to do. Cool for plot but dang that’s dangerous.

You know, like right now when he’s making her press the nuke button where a million missiles and bombs are getting ready to go.

“I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t imagine being Ladybug without...

him

.”

“I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in her eyes.”

I’m not crying. This isn’t twisting my heart all up at all. X.x

But yes the action and Astro Chat! He looks so cool flying through the sky like that omg. He’s BAT CHAT

But the way she just ran and hugged him, saying never to do that to her again.

And how he returned that hug and she hugged him tighter and then wiped her tears away.

This is everything. Absolutely everything. I could watch this a thousand times and not be sick of it.

He also after this better know how much he truly means to her.

Hawk Moth: Ladybug, Chat Noir, if you don’t do as I ask, I will launch a nuclear rocket that will undoubtedly start World War III. If you don’t do as I ask, it will be on you.TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

Geez, you think he can’t get any crazier and he just does. How would another World War help him live happily ever after? Unless he could use two wishes to undo it once he got their Miraculous. Hm.

Majestia is like Captain Marvel because she’s the only other superhero I’m familiar with that could launch a rocket to the sun with her hands.

The animation in this is so beautiful. I haven’t said it yet, but some of the scenes are so breathtaking.

I’m sad that Aeon won’t remember they’re Ladybug and Chat Noir, but surely she’ll remember Adrien, Marinette, Ladybug, and Chat Noir right? x.x

And appreciation to Nadja Chamack for letting Parisans know Ladybug and Chat Noir didn’t abandon them, but just had serious issues to attend to elsewhere.

Wow there’s an ice sculpture/statue of sorts in New York of Ladybug and Chat Noir (along with Uncanny Valley and Eagle) now? Sweet!

Okay, I believe it’s 30 times now  that “friend” is used. I may be off, I got really into it the second time watching when I was counting and it’s too late to be serious about it.

Hmm, Marinette can ask herself

the question

on her way back to Paris the following day. I’m assuming about how she feels and if she should still try to let him know her feelings?

Also that Adrien smile, knowing full well Marinette was responsible for that clip for him. Awwww x33

Ohh that ending I’m so looking forward to seeing more of Eagle, Uncanny Valley, and possibly that new superhero team with the new Miraculous.

This special was as if they took the best from S1-S3, then threw in a bunch of amazing new things that I couldn’t have thought would happen, and gave us such an amazing special. Also that it opened up things for the next special and S4! I don’t think I could’ve asked for much better. I’ve missed this show terribly and love that it’s back in a way.

Also terribly sorry for such a long post but I mean the thing was 52 minutes long after all. xD

[lovetorn]

august [part 3 of cardigan]

Diego Hargreeves x Fem!Reader

PART 1 | PART 2

Summary: He was never yours, but maybe there’s a chance he could be now.  Word Count: 1.2k Warnings: Season 2 spoilers (but like I assume you’ve seen it already), mentions of blood Inspo: august by Tay duh A/N: This is the final part since Taylor’s love triangle is only three songs. I wasn’t even gonna write a second part but here we are on the third! I hope you enjoy this chapter, I started writing it the second I saw a photo of my ex with his new girlfriend wooooo!! Hopefully this is better than my love life lol. Sorry for grammar errors ahah.  Taglist: @alonewolfsblog​ @falskaprofeter​ @cardybenhardy​ 

He was yours to lose, not her's. Lila had come back and begged for his forgiveness for her lies while you stood back, holding back the urge to cry at the sound of her 'I love you's'. Luckily for you (and Diego's) sake, Five had stepped in to stop her confessions and suggested she 'go back to the Commission where she belongs'.

Glancing at Diego's fallen expression, you rolled your lips inwards. You remember thinking you had him, the hope of it all keeping you going for the past six months; you lived for it, breathed for it. And he had to ruin it with one decision. One decision that had gripped your heart and squeezed it until it popped. One decision that made you feel so insecure about yourself you couldn't even look in the mirror without tearing up. 

But, it was the one decision that made you recognise and appreciate your self-worth. The one decision that made your muscles shake with the power that they held. With anger, realisation, gratitude. And even though you were heartbroken, practically wallowing in despair that swam around your head like a fish in a tank, the words that Diego spat at you that one day stuck with you. And it made you better.

So, when he decides it's the right time to approach you in the farmhouse, of course, Klaus has to spot Lila and the Handler outside in the fields. As much as you dreaded the conversation, you respected his confidence and determination to get you back. It was flattering to have someone so fixated on the idea of wanting you, needing you. 

When Five motions over Diego, you're quick to grab his hand. He freezes and turns to look at you, "Be careful," you whisper. The soft smile he gives you is enough to settle the pounding of your heart in your ears. 

Seeing him walk through the grass with Five triggers an uneasy feeling in your stomach and when hundreds of thousands of Commission members appear behind them, you're running. Sprinting towards them, you throw your hands up in an attempt to hurl objects around you at them. And when the bullets start flying, and Diego and Five are running at you, you dart towards a lone tractor. Crashing against one of the large wheels of the vehicle, there's yelling, and then two people are clobbering down next to you out of nowhere. You look at Five and Diego in bewilderment as solemn expressions wash over their faces. 

"What are you doing?" Diego nearly yells, his chest rapidly moving and his body hunched as the bullets continue to cut the air. 

"I came to help, but you guys clearly have it under control!" You scream over the sound of metal against metal. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a bright blue light, only one that comes from Five's hands. And as soon as it's there, it's gone. 

"Shit!" He grunts, trying his power again until it fizzles out. You roll your eyes and share a look with Diego. Now or never. 

"Five, I need you to run," Diego says. Five's eyes go wide, and he's quick to retort. 

"You think I'm going to let two idiots try and save my life?" He spits. You know he's scared, hence the bitter tone in his words. 

"It's okay, Five. Trust me," You reach over and start pushing his shoulder to prompt him to leave. He rolls his eyes and stands slightly, his eyes locking with yours before you nod. Five sighs and begins his run towards the farmhouse. 

Standing, you reach your hands in front of you, focusing on the direction of the thousands of bullets propelling at you. Diego then moves to stand next to you, throwing his hands up too and concentrating on the power deep inside of him. 

And as you look up the bullets standstill. The continuous sound of piercing gunfire rattles the air, but there's no movement, no damage. You look over at Diego, and his pained expression evokes something inside you. 

"Go, Di. I've got this!" You yell. Diego shakes his head and stands up taller. The cluster of projectiles in front you then fly towards a trailer, and the wooden cart blows up. The explosion catches you off guard, and then you're covering your head as you try and find cover behind the tractor again. 

You stare at each other with misery and horror as the members of the Commission draw closer to your hiding spot. Your hand reaches across and grasps Diego's tightly, the feeling of his hand in yours comforting you in the slightest. The pounding of your heart is rapid in your chest, and your ears ring from the sound of gunfire, and in fear. Shuffling your body slightly, you tuck your head into Diego's side, his arm winding around you in an attempt to protect you. 

Diego then groans and moves to cover his eyes as you copy. A bright light comes from the sky, and then the sound of guns seized. Peering from your hands, you see Vanya hovering over you, her power bursting from her chest and out onto the crowd. Relief fills you as you look up at Diego with a smile. But the feeling is quickly lost when you see Vanya project backwards and into the side of the wooden building. You then stand, pulling Diego with you as you turn to watch Lila rise; her power identical to Vanya's. 

Diego's hand slips into yours, and he pulls you to run. He pushes your back, your body falling forward onto the grass, broken glass and scrap metal digging into your palms. You groan in pain at the bloody mess on your hands when you hear a strangled scream. You think the worst as you turn. 

Diego's leg lay trapped under the tractor you were just behind. His face contorts into one of agony, and he's letting out deep guttural sounds. You crawl across the short distance and lay in front of him, holding onto his hands. 

"Please forgive me, Y/n." He mutters. 

His leg is stuck under a fucking tractor, and he's worried about your relationship. 

"You were never mine, Diego. You said it yourself," you whisper, losing grips with the strength of your voice before it breaks completely. You can't believe you're talking about this right now. 

Diego shakes his head, his mouth agape as he stares at you in disbelief, "I didn't mean any of it. I swear to you, Y/n, nothing. I can't explain to you how sorry I am; I never wanted this to happen. I know I shouldn't be saying this now, but if we're gonna die, I need you to know." His face moves to a frown when you don't say anything. 

You're at war with your thoughts. The sound of oncoming footsteps breaks your thought process, and you lean forward and press your mouth against his. You pull away just as quick and crank your neck to look at Luther, Allison and Five. They fail to see the problem at first, but Luther's quick to lift the machinery from Diego's leg. 

"Thanks, man," He smiles at Luther who nods in return. He then grabs your hand, and you're all running back to the farmhouse to gain cover from an approaching Lila. 

He was never yours, but maybe there's a chance he could be now (if you don't die).

Feedback is always appreciated xo

[mrpenguinpants]

Alright, I finally read Reincarnation no Kaben

AFTER MONTHS (it’s probably been a month? My mind doesn’t keep track of the days) I FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO RNK. Ty to Okita anon for the recommendation (*￣3￣)╭💕💕💕 I absolutely loved it. 

After this I’ll start on the other recommendation you gave me. I kept a bit of a log of my reading journey under the read more tag. 

Major spoilers for literally everything in RNK up to ch 53 “Withdrawal”. 

Oh, and I’ll finish answering all my leftover asks and I SHOULD have a fic done by tomorrow. I was so ready to write and then I got up. Now I’m back to bed. 

I’m just gonna write this as a log since I read super super slow and I’m only on ch 7 at the start of writing this but I’m really liking it already. Though to be fair. I love everything okita anon recommends haha. I remember you saying you were simping over Kouu and I haven’t gotten to the part where he appears but I wanted to quickly google what he looked like to prepare myself and I see this:

Well. That’s reassuring. 

I was actually kinda surprised by how many western figures were in the manga since I know there are only like 7? Around 7 western figures that pop up in any anime/manga but seeing people like Albert Fish was kinda surprising but I really liked it. Also, at the end of certain chapters they write little bio’s on them so you get to know more about them was such a nice touch.  I also love that the tradition of making males -> females still stays strong even outside the fate universe hehe.

---

Literally, the next chapter I see him. AHHHHHHHHH. Well maybe not him but his eyeballs. 

This guy lowkey reminds me of the MC’s brother but it’s 99% because he has the same long ponytail. I wouldn’t be surprised if the brother was apart of the the Greats. Honestly, Ein reminds me of those really hard headed girls that are actually really kind on the inside but aren’t good at expressing themselves (maybe because that’s pretty much her character). I also like that Ein doesn’t like males but she’s hiding behind this guy. At least, I’m..99% sure this is Ein. 

I FUCKING KNEW IT. AS SOON AS I SAW HE GOT A THEIF TALENT I COULD FEEL THE SOLO LEVELING VIBES IN ME. HE CAN STEAL TALENTS I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! I’m surprised that Neumann didn’t say anything and  Haito seems to be aware of it.  

Edit: Ah okay, I understand a bit now but it almost seems like Haito is the only one aware of Toya’s second talent.

Edit 2: Okay, as much as I love power hungry MC’s I’m really glad they didn’t make Toya into that. I am such a softie for sympathetic and kind MC’s like these even though it’s been done so many times. I’m really glad this didn’t feel like a rehash. I mean, some points some of the stuff Toya says it does but it’s fine, I don’t mind that. I actually gave a crap about him since I usually prefer the side characters (I UNDERSTAND ANON, I CARE ABOUT KOUU SO MUCH AHHHHH) but HAITO?? AHHHHH. 

---

I like that Izo always has the same hat in every adaptation he’s in lol. Istg, cats are always op. Schrodinger seems so strong and the parallel universes are my absolute shit. Sometimes I think, in one universe I did this and in this universe I’m not. Would I rather stay in this universe or be in the one where I am actually productive. Usually I pick the productive universe and actually work but sometimes I’m a bit of a slacker haha. I think this is my approach to a lot of things in life. But I digress, I don’t wanna get too deep into my life. 

I can sorta sympathize with the sinners. At least the ripper guy to say the least. I love love love unhinged characters that just want to basically destroy the world or at least have fun. But then you find out- wait they are actually sympathetic oh no. That’s how I felt about Djoser in “im the great priest imhotep” (please...i beg...someone read this...I’m so starved). 

As much as character development and rooting for the hero is cool and all, I just want to simp for the crazy “let’s burn the world to the ground” kinda character. I’m also so glad Toya doesn’t automatically become evil and try and steal everyone’s talents because he does seem like a good person and I really don’t see him suddenly switching fields so when he saved (I don’t remember names I’m sorry), the undead solider it was really nice. Proves that he still has his humanity and isn’t strictly relying on the branch of sin. 

It makes sense that he wants to steal talents since he never had one (and it was kinda out of left field when he killed Vlad and we just never addressed that ever again haha) but to see him actually consider his actions and if he actually want’s to steal his teammates talents feels right to me. Poor guy doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends so this is the first time he’s ever seemed to have companionship, aside from Haito, so I really hope he doesn’t attempt to steal their talents. I think I’m thinking of the slime? That time I got reincarnated as a slime manga/anime. Where he’s the pokemon catcher of skills. I thought that was where it was going. 

But I do kinda like how selfish Haito and Toya’s talent stealing relationship is (I mean, later it develops but my first draft of writing this I wasn’t there yet). I’m not sure if selfish or like self-gratitude/pride is the right word but it’s kind of a breath of fresh air. Rather than Haito trying to contain or “help” Toya’s inferiority she’s actually encouraging it and using her own talent for her own...acknowledgement? Er, yeah let’s go with that. 

---

This. This interaction. I love this. Like, genuinely love this. We need more of this. Two people from opposite sides finding some common ground and their fight to the death is less about morals or whose on whose side but for themselves. I love that. This is actually some wholesome stuff. 

Edit: AHHHHH CATCH MY UGLY CRYING IN THE BACK BECAUSE ALL THE “SINNERS” ARE ACTUALLY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. IM DEAD. YOU’VE KILLED ME. 

---

I KNEW IT! YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THESE KIND OF PEOPLE!! I’m going to slap the whiteboard on this but if I see any “goofy” character I’m immediately sus of them. 

As much as I hate that Hitler is getting drawn as a small child I really like this. I know the whole, oh I killed your friends but I’m letting you go because you express humanity but I’m gonna finish my death with a sympathetic line, can be annoying to people but idk I really liked this. 

Honestly this and the undead soldiers death hit me hard ngl. This manga might not have my favourite art style during some points compared to like main stream manga but it has some really beautiful scenes. 

BOOM CALLED IT, though it’s pretty obvious lol. 

THE PONY TAIL NEVER LIES AND HES DA VINCI IT MAKES SENSE NOW

He looks so cute lol. I like that Seiya has the talent of being talented in everything while Toya has the talent to steal other talents. Seiya can probably only cap his power by his own physical/mental abilities with Toya can pull a solo leveling and go further beyond. Thinking of it like jack of trades vs master of none type deals. Though, I might be thinking too hard on this. I like that this man is actually humble but I really wish there was a tiny bit more to him since we only get this one interaction/backstory but the manga isn’t completed yet. I really hope we get to know about Seiya more;; like how he became da vinci or etc. 

Everytime I see Neumann I look at that comic sans type and it kills me on the inside. But I love that her eyes are 01 just, mwah perfection. These little details that aren’t that big but it’s soooo nice. I also ahem, unhinged character heart be still. It’s really nice reading manga in bursts because you can see the art progression and damn does she look good. 

tiny fang appreciation post. 

ngl i’M HARD SIMPING FOR THIS MAN. It’s the pony tail, I have such a thing for guys with long hair (and this is why genshin broke me) but man the art really picked up here. 

I didn’t get into it but OKITA ANON I GET IT. KOUU??? AHHHH. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE??? As much as his whole “war” was a bit questionable in the beginning and tbh I still don’t really get it I like that he knows he’s not the same as the other Greats but still tries to help the other “sinners” in a way only he knows. That’s why Seiya was so important;; I get that he wanted them to have a fun death and to be understood but idk, the whole war idea and having them kill each other (especially the Hitler fights because I understand the others since they reached some kind of acknowledgement) but nonetheless, what a great guy.

Nightingale gives me mad masaki vibes from chainsawman. I hate them and I can’t wait for you to fail, but the inner part of my is cheering for you because unhinged characters are my shit. I feel really bad for Neumann, I had suspicions she wasn’t actually like that since it’s sooo out of left field but I’m really glad the manga seems to know what it’s doing. I really wish we got more Kouu interactions with everyone tho. 

NOW THIS. THIS IS SOME WHOLESOME STUFF. I WANT THIS. I REALLY WANT SPIN-OFF OF REALLY SAD ANIME/MANGA/STORIES WHERE ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE HANG OUT. That’s how I’m feeling about JJK and the scroll segments or BSD WAN that just came out. IT’S SO WHOLESOME TO SEE EVERYONE NOT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. 

UGLY SOBBING IN THE CLUBBB AND KOUU AND CHARLOTTE AHHHH. I hate how this is phrased but the respect I have for Hitler?? YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THAT IS TO TYPE?? Kitazuka is cool tho, I really like him. Some god given talent. I’m hard simping over him but I really hope we get to know more about him later. 

Getting smug mona vibes, I love this. 

AHHH IVE NEVER FELT THIS UPSET OVER AN APPLEEEE. I’M ACTUALLY UPSET. IF HE DIES IM ACTUALLY GOING TO CRY MY HEART OUT. 

THE FAMOUS SLAP 

I’M SORRY WHA- SLENDERMAN?

Oh..wow. Okay, be still my heart. When I first saw her I thought she was really pretty but now I’m absolutely smitten. God damn, can I please have some more crumbs on these characters before they die;; 

AHHH SAME GIRL FUCKING SAME????? I adore these small panels and translator notes. It’s a real breather after the sad 3am hours talk these characters go through. 

Yagyuu. Jesus christ. WHY ARE ALL THE DEATH SCENES IN THIS MANGA ACTUALLY SO PRETTY AND STABS ME IN THE HEART??? that’s it. goodbye. im fucking out. im actually so upset rn. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME? 

---

In conclusion, and I should probably re-read what the characters say and not go off on memory because I’m about to get really deep. I really like how they phrased why they wanted to stop the branch of sin. That there are people just like Toya and Haito who, if they never found the branch of sin, could still probably lead respectable and okay lives. That there was a “them” in another universe that didn’t go down that road and that they want to be in the same universe as “them”. I know this sounds really confusing if you haven’t read the manga but going back to what I said about the parallel universe stuff. 

There was a universe where Toya and Haito didn’t rely on the branch of sin, that even without their talents from becoming a returner, they could still live a happy life given their own personalities and attitudes. It was kinda moving since in the beginning, Toya wanted a talent so badly and now that he has one. He’s realizing that wait, I don’t need a past life talent in order to live. Honestly, I hard relate to that because I totally agree with him. If you have a talent you can probably live a very happy and comfortable life that other factors wouldn’t matter if you just have that incredible talent. Thinking of it as a painter or artist, if you had actual god-given talent you wouldn’t need to worry about other factors since people would naturally seek that talent. So you end up comparing yourself to others and setting that limit on yourself. 

But that’s okay, it’s completely natural and I’m not saying it’s horrible if you do this. Fuck, I do this all the time. I’m not saying the manga is changing my life but it’s kind of refreshing that it get’s talked about since other adaptations of this just make the character super OP. I understand wanting to have that incredible talent, fuck who doesn’t? but you don’t need it in order to live earnestly in the bigger picture sense. Not everything you do has to be productive and honestly, learning to be okay with having fun is nice. Just being okay with who you are right now, even if it isn’t perfect in your eyes, you still have time to build upon yourself and your own talents but doing it for yourself. 

But I probably missed the point and I’m going way to deep haha. But I really enjoyed reading this and thank you once again to okita anon for the recommendation^^ I always love everything you send me and I’ll start reading the next one. If anyone else has any recommendations let me know! 

[cold-neon-ocean]

Let’s talk about Ronan and Crystal for a hot second please

Y’all it astounds me how much this fandom grossly mischaracterizes Ronan and sleeps on his relationship with Crystal like... have any of you read the comics??? Do you not know what an absolute love-struck doofus this man is?????

The War of Kings and Realm of Kings comic runs were are first REAL look at Ronan’s character. Prior to he’d been mostly an antagonist figure who was slowly evolving into more of an anti-hero. But we hadn’t spent any significant time getting to know him outside of the Annihilation run (and even there it was still limited). How he behaves with Crystal is a showing of who he genuinely is and how he naturally behaves. The Kree are in a very difficult spot in their history at this time, being unable to evolve, but despite this Ronan never has a short fuse with Crystal, never raises his voice at her, he’s never once in his whole character run even REMOTELY angry with her of his own mind, even when Medusa pushes him to his limits. He never takes out any of his frustration on her, and is only ever respectful and understanding. Coming from all the previously known info about Ronan, painting him as nothing but this difficult, aggressive, blood-thirsty, conquest hungry, warlord, to THIS, a very caring individual capable of loving and loving purely, giving his 100% devotion to this one woman was very surprising to say the least. 

I could get into all my thoughts about Ronan as a character as he’s my end all be all single favorite fictional character and has been for the past... almost 6 years now~ but I’ll save it and get into beginnings of his and Crystal’s relationship! 

I’m gonna start from the beginning of Realm of Kings, after the complicated war with the Shi’ar just so I can get to the meat of their budding romance and just how much of an absolute dork Ronan is (I’ll touch on the preceding events in War of Kings and some stuff after Realm of Kings a little in this too but I’m gonna save most of it for a separate post!) For context, the Kree are now being ruled under the Inhuman Royal Family. Ronan and Crystal were arranged to be married as a political symbol of the two races’ newfound unity and it was meant to be just that. Their relationship was a pretty slow burn that neither of them, or anyone, expected.

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 01 ] So from the get go Ronan is just,, PROTECC even tho at this point their relationship is SUPPOSED to be purely political he’s still so sweet and polite with her just out of seemingly sheer natural instinct. This guy isn’t used to relationships okay, he’s literally only ever been in one other one his wholeass life and it didn’t really go very well. He’s very much just trying to do the chivalrist thing and doesn’t demean her in any way, or at least he very much doesn’t mean to, nor does he think she’s incapable he’s just naturally trying to be a gentleman.

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 01 ] Their growing relationship is very subtly hinted at in the early interactions between them, as they’re both very polite with each other. Crystal’s genuine kindness towards him REGULARLY catches Ronan very much off guard as he’s just... not used to that kind of interaction with others?? He’s so used to being approached with hostility or fear or an uncomfortable worship like respect that when someone is just.. genuinely nice to him he can hardly process it.

Crystal would visit him in the hospital after the Shi’ar attack on their wedding (where Ronan nearly died) and Ronan was probably so surprised to see her there like “I forced her to marry me so I could maintain some political status over the Kree which I already felt bad about, then our wedding was laid waste to by the Shi’ar but she came to visit me in the hospital??? Why would she do that, doesn’t she hate me?????” But no she doesn’t hate him, and not only does she visit him to keep him updated on how the Kree were fairing she’d go so far as to just take him outside for some fresh air and a break from staring at nothing but four hospital walls all day. She doesn’t HAVE to be doing any of this, she doesn’t HAVE to care about the Kree or him but she does, and Ronan is just unable to understand why because all he ever receives is hostility; the Kree abandoned, tried to wipe out, then tried to re-enslave the Inhumans, he was well aware she didn’t want to marry him, and yet here she is- caring about all of the Kree, caring about him. Even the Kree people themselves have been shown to be quick to turn on him, despite his lifelong devotion to them; but SHE, despite having no reason to, is genuinely compassionate and caring with him so how could he not start falling for her just a little?? 

Alrighty so this is gonna be a LONG ONE so I’m putting the rest under a cut for the sake of your dashboard :’D 

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 02 ] More big protective husband mode. I love that she keeps having to remind him that she’s fine but his brain is just in constant “PROTECC WIFE MODE” he’s a disaster. A total and utter disaster of a man. Also Crystal casually calling him “husband” kasjdfashf meanwhile he’s not sure if it’s okay for him to refer to her so casually (even tho it is you blue dumbass) so he just calls her either “my lady” or “Lady Crystal” respectfully or just by name. He called her “my wife” once before this in WoK but he was talking to Medusa as he said it and not addressing Crys directly.

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 02 ] By far one of my favorite single comic panels in existence. STILL BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY REALIZE AND GIVE IN TO THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER, he get 1(one) kis for checking in on her after they run into Pietro (who is an absolute garbage man btw I could talk about him too). Look at his face. He is on cloud nine right now, he could die happy right here. He got kis and frankly he deserves u3u (I’ll talk more about this panel later!)

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 03 ] (sorry if this is a little hard to read) Look at him confess to her at how genuinely impressed he is with her. Not because of how she treats him, he’s of course leaving his personal gratitude out because he’s already been told their relationship is supposed to be political, but because of how she’s gained respect from the Kree people- more so than her family has! Because why? Because Crystal has shown actually cares, wow! The Kree aren’t exactly what one would call “popular” among other races in the cosmos, and they don’t particularly care, so Crys giving a genuine care about them (especially given the Inhuman’s personal relationship with the Kree) is astounding. The fact that she has any room in her heart for them and assumes her responsibility over them maturely and with and honest desire to do right by them~ Ronan is so grateful, especially given that she’s pretty much the only one aside from himself advocating for the well being of the Kree to Blackbolt and Medusa.

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 03 ] Another of my favorite Ronan moments because.. just.... GOD! It’s Zarek’s insult to his patriotism that sets him off because he’s been through plenty of that before, but you DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT INSULT HIS WIFE! It’s the insult to HER that enrages him. Let’s face it, if Crystal hand’t asked him not to, Ronan would have ceased this man’s whole existence in an instant.

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 03 ] But of course, she still appreciates the sentiment! Also Ronan’s deadpan “Just about” makes me wheeze aloud ever time. He wanted to eviscerate this dude for insulting her but didn’t because wife asked him not to. He’s so fucking mad tho look at him akjsdhfa wife please let me destroy this man in your honor

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 03 ] And then he goes and lets his feelings slip! Which she’s actually kind of amused by, as she’s been picking up on his affections for a little while now (he’s been totally subtle about it /s). But her last marriage didn’t end well at all so no doubt she was probably withholding to see just what kind of man Ronan is (spoiler alert: he’s a grade-A husband turns out and a really genuine guy when you get to know him. Or should I say when he lets you get to know him lol!). He also very subtly calls her ‘fine’ here which, I mean.. she is let’s be real. 

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 03 ] (again, sorry this is hard to read! tumblr really didn’t want to work with me on these pics akjsdh) Probably one of my top two favorite Ronan and Crystal moments. She calls him out on calling her “beloved” and this ABSOLUTE DUMBASS first tries to play it off like he has no idea what she’s talking about then is just like “oh uh.... well I mean... it was... the heat of the moment......” Excellent cover, my good sir, no one suspects a thing. But of course Crystal isn’t gonna let him get away with that so easily. And in a moment of pure bad bitch energy she THREATENS TO KISS HIM if he keeps it up. And he’s just AGHAST, SCANDALIZED, HOWEVER COULD SHE HAVE FIGURED OUT HIS FEELINGS FOR HER??? HE WAS SO SUBTLE, SO RIGID IN HIS COMMITMENT TO KEEPING THINGS PURELY POLITICAL. SHE MUST BE SOME SORT OF PSYCHIC! (insert metal gear solid exclamation point sound effect on Ronan’s face in the last panel someone help this man)

Crystal: “You said you liked me.”

Ronan, the pinnacle of Kree dignity: “.......... No I didn’t..”

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 04 ]  Crystal is nothing if not a lady of her word and it doesn’t take her long to cash in on that threat~ When Maximus mind controls Ronan and tries to force him to kill himself (Bioshock 2 style) Crys figures this is the perfect way to snap him out of it, and she was very correct. Ronan’s face I just sob lol, he’s always so lost for words when flustered bless this adorable soft man. He’s not used to kisses. (Also Crys putting a hand on his chest is my favorite thing, and just wait until they start holding hands)

And from this moment on these two are pretty much all in on this relationship. No more hiding, no more denying their feelings for the sake of politics. There’s of course a lot more in War of Kings about the very beginnings of their character dynamic and their arranged marriage but I’ll get to that in a separate post (if you made it this far I appreciate you so much and apologize profusely)! 

What I’ve always loved about their relationship and why it’s my all time favorite is just how pure and genuine it is, and how much they benefited each other and how much they grew as individuals through each other. Ronan from the beginning felt bad about their arranged marriage, he didn’t do it for any other reason than needing to maintain a seat of authority when handing over leadership of the Kree to the Inhumans in the hopes the Inhumans would help them with their stagnant evolution. He never tried to solicit anything from Crystal, and maintained a respectful space, never overstepping any boundary unless SHE invited him to do so, but always offering himself should she need. The relationship only ever moved at the pace she wanted. Ronan valued her input and views and demanded nothing but respect for her from others (I mean look at what happened to Zarek when he called Crystal a “pink-fleshed lab animal”).

[ Above - Realm of Kings: Inhumans 02 ] (spliced this page for the sake of posting) Jumping back in the timeline a little bit, this particular moment is one I find very important. Crystal defending Ronan in front of her ex-husband Quicksilver (who sucks) while also subtly hinting at her own growing affections for him. She says that Ronan is actually “rather sweet”, so his constant protectiveness is clearly something she takes no offense to. Not only that, but when Quicksilver asks if Ronan makes “her feel the same way he used to”, Crystal ADAMANTLY says that Ronan does not and the’s grateful that he doesn’t. She told him that she doesn’t need to justify anything to him yet she makes a point to be very clear that Ronan has shown himself to be better of a husband than Quicksilver was. Remember, Crystal and Quicksilver’s marriage didn’t end well (I’ve personally never liked how lightly Marvel has taken it and how things seem to smooth over rather unrealistically. The things Quicksilver did should be unforgivable.) so not only is Crystal going to let Quicksilver show up and interrogate her on her new marriage, she’s definitely not going to let him down-talk her new husband, who frankly, she’s surprisingly happy with and who’s treated her better and valued her more than Pietro ever did. Also to clarify, this is the conversation where Ronan comes in and checks on Crystal afterwards, asking if she’s alright and insisting he’s not trying to pry (and getting that kiss on the cheek from her); he doesn’t butt in on the conversation at any point and gives them space. I don’t think he’s aware of their previous marital status, that subject might be a bit too heavy for Crystal to share with him so early on, but he clearly senses the tension and makes a point to ask Crystal if she’s okay when he’s able. I think Crystal saying aloud what it is about Ronan that sets him apart from Quicksilver, and how he’s turned out to actually be a really good husband is what maybe flipped that final small switch in her, like hearing it out loud made her think “huh he really has been nothing like I expected, maybe he is someone I can be happy with~” thus prompting the kiss on the cheek even tho she hasn’t yet confronted him about his feelings or made her own clear to him. She’s just very grateful to him, of how kind he’s been, how he’s listened to and valued what she has to say more than Quicksilver or her own family seems to, and of course she’s just endeared to his surprising gentle and sweet nature.

It’s a real shame that Marvel erased all of this in the MCU, Ronan has shown a few minor hints of what could be a personality similar to this in the movies but we all know that didn’t last long. Ronan’s a surprisingly deep character, and a rather sad one when you look at his history, it’s just a lot more subtle than a lot of the big name Marvel characters. Crystal was probably the first truly good thing to have ever happened to him, and aside from her daughter of course, he was probably the same for her as well. The writing of their relationship is my absolute favorite due to how mature and subtle it was. Ronan never tried to win her over so that their marriage would seem more like a desirable thing to her like you’d expect characters in a situation like this to do. He gave her space and respected her boundaries and was just genuine and kind (something we didn’t know he was capable of up until this point), and in doing so she just naturally gravitated towards him. They were both always mature, no petty relationship drama like jealousy or miscommunication like so many couples in fiction are written for the sake of making things interesting (which they never do in my opinion, it’s just annoying) and then is dragged out unnecessarily. None of that cliche “they could easily sort things out if they just talk to each other!” or “person A is jealous of person B just talking to their ex even though there is no reason for them to be”. Crystal and Ronan are both too old and have been through too much to deal with petty nonsense like that. They see each other for their true and genuine selves and love each other for them and that’s all that matters. Like I said, Ronan was willing to defy the whole of the Kree empire, the empire he’s given his life to, for her without a shred of hesitation; and when the Inhumans decided to leave Hala and return to earth, Crystal chose to stay with Ronan (all moments I’ll talk about in a separate post at some point!) 

There’s so much more I could say about just these early stages within Realm of Kings alone but there’s even more within War of Kings and following comics like Fantastic Four and others I want to touch on in another post as alas I don’t have the room for all the images I want to share :’D 

But thank you for reading this far if you did! These two are so special to me and I could talk about them endlessly ;;

[heyyyharry]

In Another Life Series: Chapter 8 - The Curse

…in which Y/N discovers the truth, and Harry is just late.

Series description: Y/N and Harry are soulmates and destined to meet in every lifetime, but no matter how many times they reincarnate and find each other again, they never seem to get it right.

AU: reincarnation, soulmate!harry, prince!harry, assistant!y/n, witch!y/n.

Chapter 7 - The Tour: Harry’s tour begins, and Y/N struggles with her feelings for him.

(So this is pretty dark...but it turned out better than I’d expected. Btw, all the characters besides Harry, Jeff, Mitch, Sarah don’t exist in real life lol)

wattpad link

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Jason loved Y/N. It was obvious, like a written fact. His parents knew, all their friends knew, only she didn’t. Well, Jason assumed she probably did, but in order to keep their friendship from falling apart, she pretended like she had no idea. 

She called him up again tonight and told him, Harry/ her boss/ the-man-she-was-in-love-with decided to stay in his toxic relationship, choosing his girlfriend and not her. Y/N was crying, and Jason swore he almost booked a plane ticket to go see her right away. He’d known it was a bad idea since she started having these dreams about Harry, which had gotten quite intense lately; the most recent one being him getting hit by a car right in front of her eyes. It wasn’t just a nightmare because she woke up crying and gasping for air. 

Jason couldn’t logically explain the reason why this guy named Harry had such a tremendous impact on his best friend that it was gradually driving her insane. However, he knew it would be best if she came back home. 

“I will,” she told him, to his surprise. “I’ve…made up my mind. I’m going to quit.”

“Are you sure?” He asked though he felt so relieved knowing she was going to walk away from the job that had been tormenting her from the beginning.

“We’re doing the LA show tomorrow night and I’ll let him know right after that. Don’t worry.” The sigh at the end of her sentence left a heavy feeling in the bottom of his stomach. She truly loved this man who didn’t love her, and the worst thing about that was Jason knew exactly how she must have felt.

“I’m sorry for calling you up, J. Thank you for hearing me out,” she said.

To which he replied saying it was not a big deal. “We’re best friends, aren’t we?”

“The bestest.” He could feel a smile in those two words. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night, J. Love you.”

“Love you,” he repeated what she’d just said, while meaning something else entirely different.

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Ann sat by the fireplace in her dark room, all windows were closed and the only source of light in presence was the flame dancing before her eyes. She was bored, so she tapped her forefinger once, almost putting out the fire and then one more time to revive it. The witch repeated her magic trick a couple more times, when all of a sudden, there was a knock on the door, which caught Ann off guard, causing the flame to flare and knocking Ann right off her chair. 

She sat on the floor, eyes wide, mouth agape, chest heaving up and down as she had no idea what had just happened, and how. For a second there, she lost control of her own power.

The person knocked louder this time. Ann hurriedly stood up, then told them that they could now enter.

“Ann, darling, I brought you your meal,” said the young maid who was carrying a tray into the room. Ann was disappointed because she’d been expecting to see Edward, though she’d known it couldn’t have been him in the first place, he wouldn’t have knocked.

“Marina,” spoke Ann as the maid turned to leave. “Do you have an idea where Edward might be?”

“No, dear, I haven’t seen His Highness today,” she replied with a sympathetic smile.

“Oh….”

“He’s been busy you know. I heard he had to meet with the ambassador from Spain this morning and show them around, and also there’s a lot to prepare for his wedding with princess Emilié.”

Ann nodded once, staring down at her feet. “Right…the wedding.”

The maid released a long sigh as she slowly approached the sorrowful girl, reaching out to hold her hand. “My dear, I’m very sorry, I know how much you love His Highness.”

“Marina, am I being stupid for loving him?” Ann asked quietly, her voice trembling as if she was on the verge of tears. 

“You’re not the first to fall in love with the Prince,” said Marina. “But…you’re the first he’s fallen in love with. I’ve seen the way he’s always looked at you, and he keeps reminding me to send you nice clothes and fine meals and making sure you stay warm at night.”

Ann looked up to meet her eyes. What the maid had just said should’ve made her feel better, yet it didn’t, not a bit, not at all.

“But, again, His Highness is always going to choose his throne, which also means…the Princess.” Marina gives Ann’s hand a gentle squeeze as she noticed the young girl’s glistened eyes. “If I were you, I wouldn’t build my hopes up so high for it to get shattered down. I know you’re a good person, Ann, and you deserve more than a troublesome life bound by these walls.”

Ann mumbled her gratitude then watched the girl walk out of the room. Soon the door was closed again and she was left alone, again. Edward hadn’t come visit her since last night, after she’d found him and Emilié, his true wife-to-be. Maybe he’d made his choice. 

However, Ann loved him too much to make her own.

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“Hey, Lisa!” Jason smiled when Y/N’s flatmate came to answer the door.

“Hi, kid. What are you doing here?” Lisa raised an eyebrow at him. “She’s on tour with Harry Styles, the love of her life, remember?”

He rolled his eyes and stepped inside before she even intended to invite him in. “I left my notebook in Y/N’s room the other day when I was helping her pack. I come to get it.”

“Okay. Be quick, I’m leaving in five minutes.”

“Five minutes. Got it,” Jason said quickly as he headed straight to Y/N’s bedroom. He’d been here too often so it was like his own place now, but his best friend had never been a tidy person, so to look for something in her room in five minutes only would be quite a challenge.

“Where the hell is it?” grumbled the young man when he searched through the stuff on Y/N’s working desk, which was always disorganized anyway.

By accident, he knocked over a pile of books with his elbow, cursing and bending down to pick it up. It was only then did he discover a brown paperback sketch book which, for some reason, caught his attention before anything else lying on the floor. He picked it up and sat down on the edge of her bed as he opened it. He’d never seen this book before, but he was sure she wouldn’t mind him taking a look for she loved bragging about her masterpieces to him anyway. Jason had always loved seeing Y/N’s artworks; whenever she showed them to him she would go into every detail from her choice of colors to the story behind each sketch and painting. Nevertheless, there was something wrong about these drawings. These weren’t what she normally would draw. 

The first few pages of the book were portraits of familiar strangers, whom Jason could easily recognize, but he never would’ve thought his best friend would know about these people. He flipped fast through the next pages and found some scenes she’d described to him before, those were the scenes from her dreams, she’d been drawing them probably to remember or to try and put two and two together. She wanted to know the answer for them perhaps.

The most recent sketch in the book was of a throne, on which sat a king whose face was blank, which was too creepy for Jason’s taste. On the walls behind the faceless man hung plenty of portraits of royal members without faces as well.

“Hmm…portraits…a palace…a king…” 

Jason widened his eyes when he felt a lightning strike right through his brain. He swiftly flipped back to the first pages of the book. How could he have missed it? The portrait of Edward Rammour in the museum!

Y/N was right to say he didn’t know any celebrity who was still alive, because Jason recognized most of the people in her sketch book. The only thing they had in common, besides the fact that they were all famous and dead, was how much they resembled one another. 

All of them possessed a strikingly identical pair of green eyes.

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“Edward, stop!”

The young Prince squeezed his eyes shut when he halted his feet, then turned around to face his mother, the Queen. Her eyebrows were knitted together when she approached him, and without waiting for the young man to speak for himself, she scolded him first, “I can’t believe you called off the meeting to run off to see your lover! That was not how a prince should behave!”

“Mother, I called off the meeting because that man was talking nonsense.”

“That man, was about to offer us powerful warships so whatever nonsense he’s feeding you, you accept, with gratitude!” Said the Queen, shutting Edward up for good. “You need to stop acting like your father and keep it in your pants, for God’s sakes!”

“This is not about Ann, mother.”

“It’s been about her since the day she arrived!” 

Edward didn’t argue this time, so she knew she was right. That girl must have casted a spell on her child, because the son she’d brought up wouldn’t be such a fool for any woman. She didn’t raise him to be like his ignorant father.

“Edward,” she lowered her voice and laid a palm on his face, stroking his cheek gently like she’d always done since he was a baby. “You’re young and I cannot forbid you from lusting for beautiful ladies, but she’s not worth the time. You’re getting married, and you should only be this devoted to your wife and your wife only.”

“I…I’m gonna try to accept the marriage,” he said, almost making her happy. “But I don’t love Emilié, mother. I never will. You told me to follow my heart, right? That’s exactly what I’m doing here. I love Ann, and I want to be with her.”

The Queen did advise him that, but what she meant was him falling in love with a noble, not a girl with no background or title. 

“Edward, you’re hurting both girls by making this decision,” she said, stopping him immediately when he intended to walk away. “Do you think she’s going to stay around while you’re married to another? And what would the people say if they know their King is in love with a peasant?”

“Father sleeps with the whole kingdom and he’s still King, isn’t he?” The question slipped out before Edward could stop himself, leaving him and his mother in utter shock.

He swore he’d never seen her so hurt and disappointed for she didn’t need a reminder of how her husband had never loved her, especially when it was a reminder from her own child.

“I didn’t mean t—“

“Enough.” She raised her voice. “You are coming with me back to the throne hall. We’re having tea with the ambassador.”

“But mother—“

“Either you come, or you can stop calling me mother for good.” With that, she stormed away, leaving the Prince behind with a difficult decision to make. 

Edward thought about Ann and how sad she must have been waiting for him to come visit. He loved her, he truly did, but he also loved his mother, and he couldn’t let her down like his father had always done. Taking a deep breath, letting it out, Edward quickly followed the Queen back to the throne hall, even when his heart was aching to be elsewhere.

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Y/N knew she was supposed to hand in her resignation form after the show, but then she overheard some girls in Harry’s team gossiping about how she was in love with him and he’d told her no because he was in love with Lillie. They called her by these awful names she couldn’t forget, and they didn’t even know half the story to make such cruel accusations. All those lies made her feel sick and she couldn’t be anymore patient to wait until the show was finally over to get this pain off her chest.

That was why she knocked on the door of his dressing room just fifteen minutes before the show, thinking there was no turning back now that she’d made up her mind; yet the moment she saw him and he smiled at her, she almost forgot why she was there. 

However, she couldn’t allow herself to forget, not this time.

“I quit.”

Harry froze as soon as he heard those two words from his assistant, who was actually handing him her resignation form. This clearly wasn’t a joke.

“Why?”

“Why?” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows at her employer and snorted humorlessly.

That was his response? Just a one-word question without any emotion at all? That was how much she meant to him?

Despite the look of shock on the assistant’s face, Harry seemed rather indifferent to this news, almost as if he didn’t care, which made her wonder,

Does he care?

“Your contract hasn’t ended yet, so if you want to quit you must give me a good reason.”

“It’s all in this form—”

“No. I want to hear you say it.”

Now Y/N had officially lost her patience. She withdrew the paper and held his eye-contact as she spoke loud and clear, “I cannot be around you anymore, Harry, that’s why. Is that a good enough reason for you?”

“And why can’t you?” He raised another question, looking as calm as ever, which drove her insane.

“Are you seriously not letting me quit?”

“You have to answer my question, Y/N.”

She looked at him.

He looked at her.

She didn’t know what he wanted or why he was acting this way. He appeared like he didn’t care whether she left or not, but at the same time he didn’t seem like he wanted to let her go. What exactly was it that he wanted? She wasn’t a psychic, he couldn’t expect her to read his mind!

“Y/N,” Harry broke the silence to remind his assistant he was still waiting for her reply.

Well, if he wanted to know the truth so badly, she would let him. It didn’t matter anymore, because once she’d left this job and gone back home, they would never see each other again. She would never see him again…Though the thought of that made her sad, it was reality, and she needed to accept it, and move on.

“Because…” She took a deep breath. “I think I love you.”

Harry didn’t say anything, just stared at her. Though she wasn’t looking at him, she could feel his eyes burning holes on her face. Y/N wished he would start to speak, he could just laugh at her if he must, at least give her a reaction. His silence right now is slowly killing her.

“Now you know the real reason,” she said because he didn’t. “Can you let me go?”

“Think?” He puckered up his forehead, leaving her surprised. “You’re not sure?”

“Was that all you cared about?!”

“Yes, Y/N, that was all I cared about because I am sure. I love you.”

What?

“I love you,” Harry repeated once again, assuming she didn’t hear it the first time, but she did. She did clearly. She was just bewildered and had no idea how to react and what to believe.

“But you and Lillie—“

“Are over,” he finished that sentence for her, leaving her once again at a loss for words. “I broke up with her that day when she came here. She asked me to do her a favor by letting her team announce our breakup, because you know…Lillie. She’ll probably say she broke up with me, whatever, that doesn’t matter anymore.”

Harry left silence for Y/N to fill in but she remained quiet and kept gazing at him. It was all up to him now. He’d said what needed to be said and she hadn’t stormed out so it was a good sign. He might as well finish this the right way, what he should’ve done along time ago.

“I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, but I’m telling you now because…” Y/N felt her stomach tighten, and her hands shake, when he took a step forward closing the distance between them. “I don’t want you to leave.”

She had never stand this close to him. She thought she might pass out, hoping she wouldn’t. Their lips were just a few inches apart. So close. Almost…

Is he gonna—

Then her phone started to ring.

“Don’t answer that,” Harry whispered, a frown formed on his face as he stared at her intensely while reaching out for her hands. Y/N, however, recognized the special ringtone so she couldn’t ignore it now.

“It’s my best friend Jason,” she said. She had never neglected any call from Jason. The voice in her head told her this one might be urgent, it hadn’t been wrong lately, which was what she was afraid of. So she withdrew her hands from Harry’s, excusing herself to go outside and answer it.

“I’ll be right back, I promise,” she said before walking out of the door. 

Harry watched her go with a lump in his throat and an ache in the chest which he couldn’t explain, even to himself. What if that moment before the call was the only happy moment they would ever get? What if the promise she made, was the only one she failed to keep for him? 

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Emilié had no idea why she was requested to come meet the Queen in her garden by the lake. She was specifically told to come alone, so it shouldn’t have been something as simple as discussing a royal ball or her wedding with the Prince, which, by the way, was getting quite close already.

“You would like to see me, Your Majesty?” 

The Queen, whose back was turned to Emilié, didn’t speak, she nodded to signal her two maids to leave her with the Princess, and went on admiring the beautiful red roses she loved so dearly. 

“This is my favorite spot,” she spoke and carefully ran her fingers across a delicate rose petal. “I’ve grown these myself, do you like them, Princess?”

“I do, Your Majesty,” replied Emilié. “But I suppose they’re not the reason you wanted to see me?”

“Well, they are, just not entirely.” The Queen finally turned around to face the young lady. She might not be as youthful as Emilié, but her beauty was doubtlessly timeless. Everyone knew Edward didn’t inherit his beauty from his father, but from his mother, who, unfortunately, was never the King’s favorite woman.

“You see, our people grow a lot of trees and flowers and herbs in this garden. My roses are indeed the most beautiful of all, I’m very proud of them,” the older noble said with a gentle smile. “So tell me, Princess. If our palace was ever under attack, and if you were given a chance, what would you most be likely to save from this garden?”

“The roses, Your Majesty?”

“False,” the answer left the Princess in shock. “The herbs.”

“But you said—“

“The roses are just for presentation. We like to look at them, but we don’t need them, whereas the herbs can be used as remedies for sickness, healing herbs can ease pain and fix wounds.” The Queen took a long pause to study the Princess’ face, and once she was certain Emilié knew where she was heading to, she continued, “You are a rose, beautiful, yet useless. She is a herb, Edward needs her to survive. She’s in charge of his heart, sooner or later, my throne.”

“He cannot make her his Queen, she’s not a highborn.” Emilié laughed wryly, however, deep down inside, losing her title as the future Queen of England was what she’d been afraid of since the moment she’d laid eyes on Ann.

“You foolish child!” The Queen suddenly raised her voice, causing Emilié to flinch in shock. “Edward ran away from everything once and he didn’t have a solid reason then. Now, he’s got her, so if he cannot run away, he’ll make sure she stays by his side, no matter what the cost is.” 

There was something in the Queen’s tone that gave away her fear and worry which she’d tried so hard to cover up. The fear that her one and only son, whose royal blood was running through his veins, was likely to give up his crown for a peasant, with no background or title.

“I raised him. I know how stubborn he can be. Edward would go against God to make that girl his Queen if he wanted to. So as long as I’m alive, I cannot let a dynasty crumble to pieces, just because my son’s wife is an idiot who cannot keep her man.”

Emilié swallowed hard and took a step back once the Queen took a step forward. 

“He promised he would give me a chance…”

“Promises can be broken, like stitches! She’s already sleeping in his bed and you’re here to tell me my son’s future is built upon a promise?”

“I’ll come up with a better plan—“

“No. You’ve done enough,” said the Queen as she raised one hand in the air, telling the girl to shut up and pay attention. “This time you do as I say.”

“What if Edward finds out we’re plotting behind his back? I cannot risk losing his trust again…” 

The Queen released a sigh, for she could see behind the face of a ruthless girl like Emilié was still a fragile heart. She used to be like that, many years ago, soft and weak. Having lived that long and gone through that much damages like she had, the heart, like a rose, would eventually wilt to brown. 

Edward was the only light that kept the Queen’s heart from rotting, and she would do anything, and she meant anything, to make sure her first and only son got to sit on that Throne, unharmed. His desire for the girl named Ann would threaten his claim as well as the French alliance, and if she ever got to become Queen, blood would have to spill. A mother could not standby and watch that happen to her own child.

“Don’t worry, darling,” the Queen said, lifting the Princess’ chin up with one finger. “By this time tomorrow, the girl named Ann will have been long gone.”

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Harry was sweating in this suit.

He had never experienced such anxiety before going on stage. He’d been performing in front of a massive audience ever since he was a teenager. He was born for the spotlight, he loved being up there, he loved the sound of the crowd cheering him on. So what was happening here? Why were his palms shaking and why couldn’t he breathe? 

“Kid, are ya alright?” Mitch asked in concern as he saw Harry struggling to even stand on his own two feet. 

Though his headache was killing him, the first thing coming out of Harry’s mouth was, “have you seen Y/N?”

“No, she came to see you earlier, didn’t she?”

“Yes, she did, but then she left to answer a personal call.”

“H, you’re sweating. Are you sure you can go on stage?”

“I’m sure…” he replied, trying to steady his breathing. “I think I’m just nervous.”

Mitch laid his palm on Harry’s forehead, then with a frown, he said, “kid, you’re burning up. You can’t go on stage now.”

“I can,” Harry groaned, eyes squeezed shut, reaching for his friend’s shoulder for support. He didn’t look fine, not at all.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Mitch scolded him while holding his face. “I’m gonna get Jeff alright.”

“Get Y/N...”

“Okay, Jeff and Y/N. You sit here.” Mitch grabbed a stool nearby, pulling it to his side and making Harry sit down on it before telling a guy from their team not to let Harry on stage until he felt better. Everything after Mitch was gone became hazy to Harry. All the sounds were muffled and his sight started to fade. All that was left in his head, was Y/N. 

In the bathroom, down the hall, Y/N was hiding in a stall, sitting on a toilet lit while talking to her best friend, because the loud music from outside didn’t allow her to hear him clearly.

“Hurry up, Jason! I’m late!” Y/N cried out, burying her face into her palm. “This better be important or I won’t ever pick up your calls again!”

“Look, you need to calm down and hear me out! Jesus…just…put me on video.”

“I don’t have time to video chat with you, J.”

“Damn it, just do it!” His response really surprised her. He’d never talked to her like that, so she was taken aback and therefore didn’t hesitate to do as he said immediately. Jason’s face popped up on the screen soon after, he was still sitting at her desk, in her bedroom.

“Wait, are you in the bathroom?” He raised an eyebrow, causing her to squint her eyes in annoyance.

“Just hurry up!”

“Okay, okay, do you know these people?” Jason went straight into the point with a question while showing her drawings on the cam for her to see.

“How dare you look at my—“

“Just answer the question!”

“No! They were just random people I saw in my dreams!” She breathed harshly, confused and offended by his weird behaviors. “What’s wrong with you today, J?! It’s like you’re being possessed.”

Jason ignored that and went on explaining, “these aren’t just people from your dreams, Y/N. They were real people!”

Y/N snorted, though she was a little bit creeped out by her own best friend at this point. “J, I know I’ve told you some weird stuff but—“

“This one is Basilio,” Jason began anyway, pointing to the first portrait in Y/N’s sketch book. “He was a famous British painter in the 17th century who fell in love with a girl named Elia. His family forbad their love and then she died of a terrible disease.” He quickly flipped to the next page. “Jameson Wallace, an 18th century’s writer. In his autobiography, he mentioned his lover Martha who killed herself when he chose to marry another woman, whom he’d been engaged to for two years before he met her.” Then onto the next drawing. “Lewis Reeves, a scientist in the 19th century, already married when he met the love of his life, they had an affair and he died while traveling at sea.” The one after that. “Leon Morrison, an actor in the 20th century, their love story made the papers because she was seventeen and he was twenty-five, they couldn’t be together and he died later in a car crash.”

“But—“ Y/N was almost speechless. She was scared, no, terrified. “Those people couldn’t be real, because…”

“Because you thought they were different versions of Harry that you came up with in your own head?” 

Yes.

“No.”

“Then we all circle back to…this.” Jason ignored his best friend’s denial and moved the phone’s camera to the laptop behind him, on the screen of which was an image of the portrait of the King, the one they’d seen in the art museum, where it all began. “Edward Rammour, King of England in the 16th century, fell in love with a peasant girl who was prosecuted of treason and later on executed.”

No, this can’t be true.

“Remember when you told me how this man’s eyes resembled Harry’s, and you kept seeing them in your dreams? What if it’s not just a coincidence, Y/N?”

This can’t be happening.

“What if they’re all linked together?”

“This…is insane, Jason…” Y/N tried to laugh, but she found no humor in the story. “Tell me this is all a prank you came up with to scare me.”

Jason looked at her, frowning as he shook his head, “I wish I could, Y/N…”

“So you’re telling me these are all…the same person?”

“Not really...Have you ever heard of reincarnation?”

She had. She remembered reading about it somewhere but she didn’t believe it. No sane person would, obviously. 

“Reincarnation is the philosophical or religious concept that an aspect of a living being starts a new life in a different physical body or form after each biological death.” Jason read out loud the information on Wiki and turned back to the cam. Y/N’s head was spinning, still she managed to hear some keywords to understand what he was talking about. 

“Y/N, describe again to me that room you see in every single one of your dream.” 

“Why?”

“Do it.”

She breathed harshly, shutting her eyes to reimagine the scene before her eyes. “Okay, it was in a palace. There was…a high back chair made of a deep dark oak finish with a red velvet cushion…a throne, it sat at the top of a three stepped platform. There were high windows, many tapestries hung from the walls. There were…many paintings…portraits of faceless people…That’s all I can remember.” 

“Like this?” He showed her an image he found online, which was exactly like the room she’d just described. 

“H-How?”

“This is the throne hall in the Rammours’ palace. How do you know the details of a room you’ve never been in, Y/N? The only reasonable explanation is that you have been there before.” Jason looked at her and he was just as frightened as she was, maybe more. “Those dreams you were having weren’t dreams, they were memories from your past lives.”

.

.

.

Everyone in the Kingdom had heard of the King’s reputation. He was everything his son Edward was not. He cared about himself more than his people and had spent most of his time on the throne sleeping with young girls and blaming others for his own failures. Instead of trying to stop crimes, poverty, and hunger, he wasted so much effort and wealth into these terrible witch hunts, for which countless of innocent lives had ended in ashes.

Rumors had it, when the King was still a young prince, a fortune teller told him a woman with magical powers - a witch, would take away everything he loved. She would end his life and also his family name on the throne. He believed her words entirely, so the first thing he did when he became King was to capture every woman whom he suspected to be performing witchcrafts, then have them burnt alive with no mercy.

However, a witch wouldn’t have easily got caught by an imbecile monarch whose heart was as small as his brain. Witches were usually charming and wise and beautiful, and a man like the King would never have harmed or suspected a beautiful lady. 

His lust for Ann had intensified since the day his son brought her to court. The only reason he hadn’t laid a hand on her was because Edward was always by her side. The only person beside himself and Ann that could sense his desire for the young girl was his wife, the Queen. 

“Your Majesty,” a guard announced to the King, who was getting dressed in his chamber by two of his maids. “Princess Emlié is here.”

“Send her in.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

Emilié entered shortly after with a vibrant smile on her face, the one that would light up every single room. Had she not been his own son’s future Queen, the King wouldn’t have let such an opportunity pass by.

“You’d like to speak to me, Princess?”

“Yes, Your Majesty, but—“ She pursed her lips, looking at his servants. “—Could we speak alone?”

“Don’t mind them. They’re quiet as mice,” the man said and raised his arms so the girl in front of him could button up his shirt. “I’m a busy man, Princess. You’d better not waste my time.”

Emilié straightened her back and cleared her throat. She couldn’t let anxiety talk her out of this. “It’s…It’s about the girl named Ann living in this palace, Your Majesty.”

“What about her?”

“Well…She’s a dear friend of my future husband, your son, Edward, and we are very close to each other. She’s told me that she…she had a desire for…you, Your Majesty.”

The King froze at once, then held up his hand to tell his maids to step aside. The Princess stood with her head hung low as the monarch approached her. His broad-shouldered figure towering over her, leaving her hands trembling on her sides.

“Is this true?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. And I’ve noticed the way you’ve always looked at her, so I told her that you might feel the same, and she was very happy.”

“Was she now?” 

Emilié nodded, then finally looked up at the older man, faking a smile. “She will be waiting for you at midnight, in your library, if you are interested.”

There was a long pause in the conversation. The King probably needed a little bit time to think about the offer, but of course, he couldn’t say no to it.

“Tell lady Ann, I’ll be there.”

“She’d be thrilled to hear that, Your Majesty.” Emilié bent her knees and gave the King one last smile before making her way out of his chamber. Her heart was beating like a drum, yet there was a strange kind of liberation inside of her. She’d thought she would feel so remorseful for doing the thing that she’d done, but now, revenge actually made her feel…alive. 

.

.

.

“So I was all of those dead girls, and Harry was all of those dead guys?”

“Y-yeah…” Jason nodded fast. “Jeez, it sounds creepy when you put it that way.”

Y/N hated how her best friend sneaked in a joke in every situation, including ones like this. She ignored him and continued, “okay so…if that’s true. Then why did it only happen to Harry and I, and not…you…or Lisa! Or anyone else for that matter!”

“Okay, my theory…” He tapped a finger on his lip, forehead crinkled from thinking too hard. “The witch, well, the first you, got angry because Edward didn’t stop her execution, so she cursed him to never find love again?”

“Then she would curse him to die in every lifetime, but that wasn’t the case wasn’t it? You told me there was that girl who killed herself, one died from a disease? I mean, why would you curse your own self in the after life to die? Unless this witch me really sucked at being a witch.”

“Okay, you’ve got a point, so it wasn’t her who cursed him.” Jason rested his chin on his knuckles on blew air from his mouth from frustration. 

“Yeah, I refuse to believe the first Harry would agree to kill the first me, I mean, he might not be Harry but he was still…Harry. And Harry’s too kind...” She bit on her bottom lip, holding back another sigh as she mumbled to herself, more like a realization then a wild guess, “maybe he was just late. He couldn’t save her.” 

Jason noticed the way Y/N kept her head down and he intended to ask her what she was thinking of. He didn’t need to though, it was her who spoke first, “so what will happen in this life then?” Her voice was trembling because she was truly afraid. “Is either of us going to die?”

That, Jason had no answer for. He wished there was anything he could do to find out, to protect her, but he knew as much as she did, maybe less. He couldn’t be her hero, not in this story.

“I…don’t know…but that was how it went, right? They died because they fell in love.”

It took Y/N a moment.

“No…” Her eyes widened as she discovered something. “They died because they tried to get together. They all met at the wrong time, one was either taken, engaged, forbidden by their family or too old and too young for each other…But Harry and I, we’re different.”

“He’s got a girlfriend, Y/N!”

“He told me he broke up with her, J! He told he loved me right before you called.”

“He…he did?” Jason didn’t know how to feel about this, but he’d got a bad feeling because it wouldn’t be this easy. He didn’t want to tell her that though, she looked so much happier, he couldn’t put out the hope in her eyes.

“Yeah, this is a good sign right?” She smiled, exhaling all at once. “Maybe we’re an exception! Maybe it’ll all work out in this lifetime!”

“Y/N, I think—“

Suddenly, Jason was interrupted by a voice from the other side of the door. “Y/N, are you in there?”

“Sarah?” Y/N spoke up, giving Jason a look before standing up from the toilet lit.

“Oh God, there you are! Everyone’s been looking for you. Are you alright in there?”

“Yeah, I’m on the phone…” Y/N answered honestly, but she couldn’t help but notice how frantic her friend sounded. “What is it, Sarah?”

“Harry…” There was a pause, as if Sarah couldn’t find a proper way to deliver this news, or maybe she didn’t want to be the one to do this. It took her a few seconds to finally complete that sentence, knowing it would crush Y/N.

And, it did.

“Harry…Harry’s in the hospital, Y/N.”

[sheusedtobesassier]

Day 10,158

Mm, it’s the final evening of the year and I think this may turn out to be a particularly sad one. New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday, you know? Well maybe you don’t know actually. I cannot help but love the mix of being wildly sentimental and anxious/hopeful, feeling extra aware of the year that has gone and the anticipation of what could happen in the one beginning. Glitter and tiny dresses and sparkling grape juice and a big countdown chant and Midnight Kisses and feeling included in something huge almost the whole world is celebrating. Mm and it’s really such a soft celebration with no required fuss. You just gather with anybody you want to gather with and together enjoy the annual grand finale of the years passing by. It’s meaningful and meaningless, lol. A simple and sweet thing that can also be very sparkly. We do it over and over and over and over our whole lives long. Young and old. Mm. How could I resist?

Tonight’s will be sad but that’s okay. That’s another reason I’m fond of this one. It doesn’t deny sadness. It doesn’t expect or demand the way other holidays on the calendar do. It leaves room for being lonely and solemn, for regrets and grief. Mm and tonight I will get very comfortable in that space. I will wallow a little, not too deep, but far enough in that I can write honestly, get some of it out of me so it can be read in nice straight lines, in a way that’ll feel less chaotic, less tangled up. I decided I would let me do it tonight for two reasons. First, because of the magical way NYE makes me feel which I’ve already described to you. Second, because this morning I woke up from a painfully vivid dream that was so convincing it somehow dislodged whatever has been preventing me from being able to articulate these things. I let dreams get to me, maybe more than other people do and this one did the trick. I’ll tell you about it and I’ll tell you about two other ones that might help you understand even better.

There was a pile of us. Maybe eight or ten people sprawled all around on a white couch. The room we were in was white on white on white and one of the walls was just giant windows, like as if we were in a skyscraper. Everybody was wearing jewel tones and color blocking. There wasn’t anybody specific there, but there was the sense they were our friends and we were all getting snug for the sake of a group photo that was going to be taken. Cuddling in and little laughing at one another, you know what it’s like. Omar was further away than I thought he should be so I kind of tugged him in closer when I realized he was miserable crying. Like red eyes, in tears but clearly had been trying to keep it low key. I asked what was wrong and he didn’t want to say. Others noticed and it got quiet. Mm, I can’t quite remember this part but like, I started to get upset and said that we could go if he wanted to go. Ally was suddenly there and was saying she could give us a ride and buy him a ticket? I was angry and Omar was quietly resisting saying, “It’s fine. Let’s stay. You’re gonna be mad.” or something along those lines. I growl snapped back loud enough for everyone to hear. “No, I’ll be fine, because I actually have some control over how I feel!” I was so furious though. I do not remember anything past that.

Towards the beginning of the summer Omar came to camp, he was serving breakfast and I came through the line. He stopped me before I walked out and told me he’d had a nightmare about me the night before. We weren’t really buddies yet, so the comment caught me off guard, his admission in this public space that he dreamed about me. A very sudden intimacy. He said that in the dream I’d been extremely angry and refused to talk to him, how he kept begging me to tell him what was wrong or what he had done and I wouldn’t even look at him. While he told me he seemed so earnest, like it had really bothered him. I laughed and started walking away. I think I tried to say something charming about wondering what he could have possibly done. He stood there shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders, looking concerned.

One of the first times Omar went home after we knew we were into each other, I had one of the wildest/most specific dreams ever. It began with just me standing in the foyer of the Platteville church. I knew I was at a wedding. As I walked into the empty sanctuary I realized it was my own wedding. I promptly started to panic and, in the dream, had this feeling of like, “Wait? How did this happen so quickly? I don’t remember planning this or even deciding to do this? How do I stop this?” I went through a doorway which in real life leads into a very short hallway, but instead it was a large room full of all the women on both sides of our families. My mom and my aunts and a whole heck of a lot of Hispanic women I do not know. I got this sense that all these women had put the wedding together, not me, and that I needed to clear things up now because otherwise I was going to be stuck with a wedding I had nothing to do with. So I started explaining and trying to convince them I didn’t want it to be like that. Saying I was so grateful but this was not at all what I had imagined. I honestly do not remember the speech but do remember feeling like it wasn’t clicking. They were misunderstanding. I felt like I was freaking these people out AND like I was possibly still going to get bulldozed into this anyways. The women (both the white ladies and the Mexican ladies) were all yelling at each other, not ugly fighting, really just trying to organize a wedding. So I went over to a corner where (hahaha this is just accurate okay) Mama Coco was silently sitting in her wheelchair. Like, the animated great grandmother from Coco, more realistic looking but still very much that sweet old lady. I sat down in her lap and watched the discussion carry on without me, feeling like a child. Sat there tracing and picking at the beaded details on my wedding gown’s skirt while the women shouted. I looked up and discovered that from where we were sitting, I could see out onto the stage of the church. Omar and the pastor (I don’t know who the pastor was) were standing there in their suits chatting, looked like they were kidding around and having a nice time. I remember feeling just the BIGGEST sense of relief and thinking, “Omar won’t care that I don’t want to marry him today. Everybody else is gonna be upset at me, but he’s gonna be so nice to me about it.”

Three dreams that would be doozies for almost anybody but wham bam, y’all, lol, for a girl like me these seem an awful lot like prophecies. Oof. Can you see it in there? All the significance? Holy shmoly. It hits and then you get back up and then it hits again. Yikes.

Look. I want things from Omar that he could give me, but when he had to make that decision he chose not to. What I want does not seem like too much to me, but it is more than he is willing to give me. That which he did give me (he is still giving some) he gave soooo sincerely. He gives in the most honest way, which turns out is the only way I can receive anything. And so I’m soooo thankful for what he’s given, but it is not enough. He tried and he still tries and I am heavy with gratitude for the effort he made because I know it wasn’t easy, But It Is Not Enough. I wish it was, but deep down I know it isn’t.

I can remember a night we filled up my whole apartment with an explosion of tension that had gone unspoken. I lost my temper and began angrily expressing how painful it was to feel such deep uncertainty about us staying together. He calmly refuted parts of my attack, but I think was pretty disturbed by my escalating rage. He wasn’t leaving no matter how harsh I got. At one point I coldly told him there was no reason for him to stay and he stayed anyways. After what felt like hours, we were sitting far across the room from each other and I was staring at him waiting for him to finally fucking say something useful. I was so furious and he was so silent. I had stubbornly backed into my corner and decided I wasn’t going to come out of it until he gave me a reason to. He looked helpless. Staring at the floor. Every once in a while he would seem like he had something to say but then nothing would come out. I don’t know how long it took, but my heart softened. I realized I’d been cruel and took notice of how resilient he was being, so I crossed the room to be gentle with him, hoping that it would help him speak. He started crying which I could not have anticipated. I rubbed his back and kept prompting him, softly asking “What?” and “Tell me.” Finally, he choked something like this out. “I’m trying. I’m trying to sit here right now and just choose to be here and give you what you want. I’m trying to make the decision, to tell you I can give you what you’re asking for. But I can’t do it. I can’t make me do it. I’m sorry.” He said it so strained, so in pain. I tried to be comforting and made a few small speeches about how I never wanted him to force himself and I didn’t expect him to make the final decision that night and how even if he wanted to he probably couldn’t because life is so different than what we decide it should be. I apologized for the horrible things I’d said earlier. We both became more rational and began to have a reasonable discussion. We calmed each other down. We snuggled in. The anger and confusion passed so we could get so so close again.***

He tried so damn hard to be my someone. He was my someone for as long as he could be, before the whole rest of it became too unbearable for him. During the last real conversation we had about what him leaving would look like, he told me, “We’ve said all along that if you are the only reason I’m here then I shouldn’t be here.” And he’s right. We did say that. Fuck, I’m the one that said that first. I should have told him that no longer applied though. I should have stopped him and said, “Yeah but that was before we were in love. It’s all different now that we’re in love.” I didn’t say that though. I don’t think I said anything because I think he was still talking and it’s rude to interrupt. I didn’t think about how it’s all different until way later, until after he had already left. If I’d thought about it sooner than that, maybe we could have had another conversation, a better Last Real Conversation with an alternate ending, a better ending. But. I didn’t think about it sooner. We can’t really have a conversation about what him leaving would look like when he’s already left.

One of the most startling parts of breaking up has been being unable to escape the INCREDIBLY PERVASIVE MESSAGE that like, hm, how to put it, the message that IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Lol. Yeah that’s how to put it. That if you love somebody and they love you too than that it is the Purest, the Goodest, the Highest Endeavor in the known universe (hell in the unknown universe too). That love is STRONG AS FUCK and will make it through EVERY BAD THING. You cannot get rid of love even if you try. Love never ever gives up, no way, it won’t do it, just lasts and lasts. Oh and the relentless warning that if you give up on love then that is the Biggest Mistake Of Your Life. Like. Whew. Y’all. Look. Frankly, the widespread love gospel is working on me. I am not giving into my fearfulness that tells me to protect myself from him now that we’ve broken up. I do believe I should still keep my heart open to Omar and I do not fight the frequent urges to hold onto what’s left of us. I softly reach out. I don’t let the fire flicker out. (Wow. Damn. Getting campfires going together was kind of one of our things actually.) But if it turns out I’m being told a big fancy romantic lie that prevents me from participating in some reasonable big girl independent healing process that I should be seeking out, THAT’S PRETTY BOGUS OF Y’ALL. If I sort out that I need to fall out of love, will I be able to do so without being consumed by the worry that I’m turning off all the lights in my heart and might not ever be able to turn them back on again?

I need to talk to more people who loved somebody who loved them too and they didn’t pick each other forever and it didn’t ruin their lives. Because. I mean I’m not talking to anybody who’s life was actually ruined because of something like that. No, I’m talking to deeply married people who seem to believe that if they hadn’t married each other it would have ruined their lives. (Now I say this with a heart full of appreciation for the married people who have been attempting to take care of me by using the context of their love stories to provide advice regarding mine. Bunch of sweet baby angels. Thankful.) The overwhelming narrative, at least within my realm, is that I have lost something I should try to get back. That’s what it seems like to me at least. I’ll confess, maybe that’s what my own heart is drawn to so I’m perceiving it more than it’s actually out there. Maybe.

Either way though, the current strongest pulls I feel are to continue to amuse him and to secretly long for us to get back together. There are of course other pulls, to pour myself entirely into ministry, to push him away a little and see if he will fight for me, to cut him out completely and focus on healing, to flirt with the creeps on Tinder and Bumble, to tell my friends either the most hopeful version or the weepy saddest version or angry accusation version of how the last two years went, to disappear into my bed as frequently as possible and not let any part of anything touch me, to write him paragraphs every morning admitting everything, to squash the whole thing, to completely succumb to the horrible ways heartbreak feels and allow the loss to fuck up my life completely. And those are just what’s pulling at me tonight, lol. There are dozens of pulls to this. Hundreds. So many that it rips me up and won’t let me listen to music because none of it means anything to me and won’t let me eat or sleep (seriously, my appetite has dried up and this has pulverized my god given talent for being asleep) and has me googling words like “anesthetize” so I can accurately describe that which I currently crave. Yeah it’s fucked with my vocabulary.

Mm, today though. Today I couldn’t help but notice how much easier it is for me to be kind. I think I lost that with Omar for a while. Inadvertently. He’s so cool and so particular. I think I mimicked that some, toned down my enthusiasm or maybe more so I directed it mostly towards him. I think every kitchen shift was for flirting with him, whispering around corners and knocking into each other. Every afternoon break was for kissing or taking a nap together which of course turned into kissing. I’ve been a starry eyed girl for years, but I think I let him become the whole moon and forgot about the stars in everybody else’s eyes too. I can see them again and they can see mine. It’s nice to look at the stars again. Beautiful sight.

I miss how the sky mattered to him. The colors or the way the light would pass through trees. Oh it would thrill him. He’d call me up and tell me to come see. We’d both shriek on sunset drives. Cheering the spectacle on. Mm, we were the same in that. It mattered to him like it matters to me. We were suckers for the ways we reminded each other of ourselves. Reflection. It wasn’t even imitation. We were both so true, dammit. We had carefully cultivated who we were and what we cared about. I think we recognized that in each other. Mm. God, I love him and I miss him in a hungry way.

I wish I had been a good enough reason to stay, even if I was the only reason and it was stupid and it ended up being a huge mistake. I wish I had been. I was good enough until I wasn’t.

God, I miss him.

“Are you being fearful or loving?”

***Last minute addition. Thinking about how some might read that part and think, “Wait so why didn’t you just break up then? He couldn’t give you what you wanted.” I get how that could be your takeaway. It wasn’t mine. Nah. From then on, I felt like Omar truly wanted to give me what I wanted, but that he wasn’t going to do that until he was sure that it was the right thing. So. That’s the sincerity I mentioned. I love that Omar really really means the things he says and the things he does. He’s not interested in faking anything. I knew that I was waiting around for him to decide to be with me and stay OR to break up with me and go. And I was okay with that waiting, okay with either outcome, because I believed whatever he decided he’d do with resolution. His head AND his heart would be involved, two things I trusted more than almost anything. I didn’t trust them to automatically choose me. I trusted that they would get him to do what he thoroughly believed was right. Mm. So. That’s what hurts. That his head AND his heart told him the right thing was something other than the two of us together. (My own head and heart told me otherwise and I trust them a heck of a lot too, so the three of us are having a tough time.)

[12moonas]

Debut Concert Notes

It’s late and I’m super tired so I’m just gonna write everything down super quick, if it’s a little disorganized I apologize!! also it’s super long lol

OKAY, so first of all, THE Yujin of bbc was sitting in my section and everyone was going crazy, she’s super pretty and very nice, she took pics with a few fans

the concert started with a fancy vcr thing featuring all the members, but the music was SO LOUD so i was a little distracted trying not to die and didn’t pay much attention to it

but THEN THEY WERE THERE THE QUEENS THEMSELVES IN ALL THEIR GLORY!!!  I was sitting kinda far back, but the venue was still very small so I could see fairly okay

they IMMEDIATELY started performing favoRiTe and they S L A Y E D, they really are as powerful in person, i cannot believe.  they were wearing the school uniforms from the mv

when that song was over they went straight into performing one of the songs on the new album (idk which but it was hecka good)

after that was a talk time and they are so amazing, I love them so much.  they kept interacting with the audience, and you could tell how happy they were

once they all left, thery played the trailer for 1/3 and then heejin performed vivid.  she wasn’t live-singing, but still performed SO well, and goodness it was amazing

then hyunjin came out and they did I’ll Be There together, it was SO cute (lip-synced)

and then, and THEN!  Haseul came out and they all three did LOVE LETTER AND I DIED IT WAS SO GOOD AND THEY WERE STANDING ON CHAIRS,  AND THIS ONE WAS LIVE SINGING

next came my glorious queen herself, ViVi, and they performed the remix version of Love&LIve, wearing the outfits from that one leaked video of it!  (they were also wearing these outfits during the other songs)

then they talked for a while and interacted with the audience, they are all so wonderful holy cow

then Valentine Girl played as they walked around the stage, tossing things to the audience (i was to far away to tell what it was, maybe chocolate?  hyunjin said she wanted to eat chocolate, and it would make sense with the song)

after that they left :( :( :(

but THEN they played the trailer for oec and ‘twas beautiful

then, we were all shooked by CHOERRY performing LCM!!! THE SONG ITSELF!  sHe was AMAzing and baUTIful!!  i want that purple dress so bad

tHEN we were killed ONCE AGAIN by Miss Lip performing Eclipse with the silkiest images of an eclipse palying behind her, it was a life changing moment

and THEN was singing in the rain, and jinsoul RAPPED THE RAP LIVE!!! THE OTHERS HAD BEEN LIP SYINCING AND SHE HAD BEEN UP UNTIL THEN BUT THEN SHE DID THE RAP LIVE!! i died

then they all came out wearing these awesome black outfit things (that kim lip and jinsoul had worn for their solos) and talked for a wile, the were so cute, esp choerry

they came up to the closer stage and bLEW EVERYONE’s MINDS by performing ROSY wITH MIC STANDS!! I DIED!  AGAIN!!! AND THIS SONG WAS ALSO LIVE-SUNG

then they went back to the back stage and performed Girl Front, the only song i knew the fanchant to, lol, but it was so good!  I was so proud!!

then we got a fancy, new vid played that ended with a ? and we were all like tf? unTIL little miss YEOJIN appeared and performed KISS LATER, BOP OF THE CENTURY!! i love my firey frog princess

but then she just left? and i was like??? 

UNTIL VIVI WAS THERE AND MY HEART INSTANTLY EXPLODED AND SHE PERFORMED EVERYDAY I LOVE YOU AND IT WAS SO GOOD I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND WOULD GIVE HER THE WORLD IF I COULD AND THEN YEOJIN APPEARED AGAIN AND COVERED HASEUL’S RAP AND THEY FINISHED THE SONG TOGETHER, IT WAS AMAZING!!!

and then that’s when they talked.  vivi’s korean is SO GOOD!  I”M SO PROUD!! yeojin accidentally called vivi haseul at one point, and then we learned that vivi’s mom was in the audience, and she was in MY SECTION TOO!!! AMAZING!!!  so  in other words i met my mother-in-law today

then we got the teaser for yyxy and were all blown comPLETELY away by Chuu performing Heart Attack!!! SHE IS SO FREAKING ADORABLE!!! She did SO good!!  (purple plaid outfit)

and then Yves performed New and she KILLED IT!  SHE KILLED US ALL!! that girl is so powerful, i was surprised, she also kinda gives me sunmi/chungha vibes?? but she live-sang some of the last parts of her song and Slayed. she was also wearing THAT outfit from the mv

then!  Gowon appeared in the audience and started singing You and Me Together!! and then Olivia joined her on the other side of the audience and joined in!  They were both live-singing!!  they made it to the stage together and were completely cute in every way

then they all came out and talked, interacted with the audience a TON, and then did Love4eva, which was amazing to the T

then they talked and interacted more and then did Frozen, with live-singing!! there was a cool castle snowglobe clock thing on the background

and then they played a SUPER cool vcr with clips that I assume will be from the mv?? and it was set to fairytale, super cute, i loved

AND THEN THEY WERE ALL THERE AGAIN, SITTING IN THEIR UNITS BUT ALSO AS A WHOLE AND THEY LIVE-SANG ONE OF THEIR NEW SONGS (not sure which, but it was a ballad) and vivi had TWO WHOLE LINES ALL TO HERSELF I’M SO HAPPY my girl did so gOOD!! they were wearing these nice white outfits

then they talked for a bit, and since it was Haseul’s birthday yesterday, the members surprised her with cake!! she was so surprised!!! (and a lil confused at first lol) and we all sang to her!!!! <3 <3 <3

and then they performed another of their new songs (i know this one!  it was Perfect Love!! it was wonderful!!)

and then they ran off stage, BUT there were these things that had been sitting on our seats when we came in with instructions on the back, and so we were all shouting encore (sounded like ankle with the korean pronunciation) for five-million years until they came back out (wearing an outfit from the mv tomorrow!!) and performed Hi High!!! ‘twas amazing!! Vivi had a line to herself, Olivia had another killing part, i really liked it!

and then we held up the signs!!!!! they read “From my head to my toes, I’ll give you it all, even my heart”  (line from favOriTe)

and then they talked and expressed their gratitude for orbit and how they were so glad to finally be debuting. yves stuck confetti to her face to look like tears but half of them (heejin, olivia, yeojin, vivi, chuu, haseul, hyunjin) were having trouble speaking bc of either trying reaaalllyyy hard not to cry, or actually crying <3 <3  (esp heejin and olivia).  i also cried.  it was a great time all around.

then, they had to leave :( :( :(  

Overall, I can’t believe any of that actually happened.  I saw them live??? foreal?????? i wasn’t dREAMING?????????????????????  hhhhnnngggg i must be in heaven.

other notes i would randomly add are:

i’m a lil salty about some of the solos not being performed but oh well

YEOJIN IS SUCK A HIDDEN TRICK?? AMAZING TALENT??? GIRL CAN SING HOLY COW SHE GON GO PLACES

the background vocals were SUPER loud, so for some of the solos (and even the live-singing songs) you could kiiiiindaaa hear their actual voices but mostly just the background audio track, which i thought was annoying tyvm

yeojin is SO funny, I couldn’t understand what she was saying half the time, but she kept making everyone laugh and it was amazing and yes she does talk super fast in real life too

all of the songs up until vivi’s sounded more aegyo than they are? like they edited them or soemhting? but it might have been just me? or the speakers or smthn? idk

there were SO many people walking around making sure no one was taking pictures.  like, at least two people i saw got kicked out bc of recording.  is that normal for concerts in korea?  idk, but I felt like i was risking my life taking these pics secretly on my phone 

there were more guys there than expected, but the audience was majority female

i also kinda ran into yeojin’s fam, but didn’t interact with them at all other than to eavesdrop long enough to figure out that they know/are related to yeojin somehow

i loved the wholething

this album will be bomb

ummmmmm, stan talent, stan loona

[sicklylittlesnowflake]

you don't have to write it if it doesn't speak to you, but i just read and loved your fic where peter calms tony down from a panic attack, and now i offer a Good Concept: Peter trying to help Tony get through a meeting at SHIELD when Tony's spacey and in pain from a headache/fever?

@taylortut !!!! I really like this prompt girl!!

In the course of his lifetime Tony has witnessed the discovery of alien life, multiple alien invasions, discovering that the very threads of his reality all coincided within 6 stones, and yet he had never been more confused in his life up until this moment.

Everything Nick Fury says seems to be a jumble of words that don’t seem to be any language, perhaps some alien language but even then they’re barely even audible. They’re all slurred together and seemingly slowed down like his VCR tape had just malfunctioned.

He feels warm and hot all over and he felt like his face was on fire but his lower half was stuck in the middle of the arctic, and he wanted to scream. There was part of him that wanted to throw a tantrum and crawl up on the floor wailing in agony, but he was a grown man who was much respected with a very strong image to pursue and doing such a thing was..out of character, to the say the least.

Tony doesn’t remember the last time he felt this sick, hell, he doesn’t even think he’s ever felt this sick in his entire life. He grits his teeth together as he braces this headache that comes in ravaging like a hurricane in his head, destroying every cell in his brain. His fists are balled intensely in an attempt to anchor himself through this whirlwind of pain, and he doesn’t know if he’s really not concealing his discomfort well at all or Peter is just this observant but either way he can sense that the kid is staring holes into him.

Peter, as always, is kind and loving, with a soul softer than his damn hair, which is pretty damn soft. He doesn’t stare at Tony with malicious or judging intent, he stares at him with genuine concern and worry, and this sort of nervous energy he sort of sees in himself. He knows this kid isn’t his, but it sure feels like it.

Peter doesn’t quite know sign language all too well, he’s only just started after all (because he was an avenger now, all the avengers know sign language for Clint, why was he any different? and yes, Mr Stark, he was an avenger now) and he seems to be making up his own bizzaro form of sign language, which mostly consisted of an equally outlandish series of facial expressions. Tony has absolutely no clue what this kid is trying to communicate, but he can only assume is a, ‘you okay?’

As dumb and ridiculous as this exchange is, at least its amusing and it’s giving him a break from everything else that’s going on.  Peter’s great at that. He gives him a little break from everything in the world that’s shitty and bleak and shows him what’s right with the world. His headache hurt a little bit less.

Tony raises an eyebrow in amusement.

Peter shows a bit agitation, frustrated he can’t quite get his point across, not wanting to interrupt Fury who seems to still be going on about these Ravagers he doesn’t really understand, and tries mouthing his message, but Tony pretends like he doesn’t understand, because yes he’s sick but he’s a little shit and being sick doesn’t stop that.

Peter, who’s directly in front of him, gives him a look that just tells him he knows what he’s up to. He looks absolutely done with him. He sighs dramatically,  and goes on listening to some guy who’s started drone on and on about budget control. Tony knows he’s not really listening though and trying to discreetly check in on him, and he makes a mental note to see about teaching Peter a thing or two about stealth.

But all the joking and lighthearted tomfoolery doesn’t last long and it fades quickly and the storm starts up again. He feels awfully lightheaded and his head hurts so much, his whole body is heavy and he feels lost. It’s like he’s disconnected and disassociated and he’s simply hovering around, him and his body seeming to not connect. He feels a little delirious like his entire body is slowly dying off in a desert and his face is burning.

He feels like his body is begging for rest, gripping at his chair to anchor himself as he’s hit with yet another tidal wave of pain, nausea, and hot and cold waves and Peter seems to sense this. He eyes him worriedly, trying to keep up his discreet charade but he gives it up.

“Do you guys want some water?” Peter chirps up suddenly, interrupting the guy who’s still on about budget control, earning himself an annoyed look. He blushes a little as he realises what he’s done is a little rude, but to him Tony’s welfare is more dire right now than how much money is being allocated towards a new doorway.

“You can get some if you want, Mr Parker,” He sighs, teeth gritted and quickly resuming his bit.

Tony shoots Peter a tired look but the kid is gone in a flash, and when he’s gone it’s like everything is much worse because there’s no one to sulk at. He stifles a cough into the tailored fabric of his suit jacket, going relatively unnoticed which he’s glad for. He lets himself slump just a little, not too much, he still has an image, but he lets that image go just the tiniest bit.

Every second Peter is gone seems to last an eternity and a half. The world does by in this agonisingly slow pace, it seems to blur out of focus so his headache is heightened and he can practically hear his head throbbing. He feels so incredibly faint and so horrible he doesn’t know if he’s even here, it’s a nightmarish version of his life that is so surreal and trippy without the promise of a high.

Eventually Peter returns with a cart full of glasses, and passes some to random people in the conference room. Tony thinks about how out of place he looks, but he understands it for him and it makes him love the kid a lot more now. He wheels the cart towards the him, and passes him a glass of cold water that his brain is crying tears of joy for, as well as a oddly folded napkin.

Tony eyes it suspiciously and lifts the fold to reveal two aspirins and all he can do is give Peter the look of pure gratitude and euphoria.

Peter deliberately drops a napkin to crouch down and whisper, “I got them off this really nice lady called Daisy–you owe me one.”

He discreetly pops the pills into his mouth and gives Peter a nod, taking a good sip of his water. He doesn’t normally accept good actions like this so casually, but he lets his pride go because the sense of gratitude and appreciation he feels outweighs any sense of gargantuan ego he has.

And then everything felt like it was going to be fine. ‘Hell yeah I’m gonna make it through this’, Tony thinks proudly, his headache hurts and the cold and hot waves are rushing up and down him in the most uncomfortable way but he can handle this. He can hold on. Things are actually going in his favour for once. Everything is okay in the world.

But then hell breaks loose and Tony’s world is entirely shaken and flipped and nothing is okay.

He doesn’t exactly know what’s happened because his mind is focused solely on not passing out and keeping up a healthy facade, but he thinks Thunderbolt Ross said something that pissed off Fury and they’re yelling and they’re so loud and there’s more voices yelling and it’s all meddling and it’s just too much.

There’s a ringing in his ears and the room is closing in and Tony can hear his heart thumping and he can feel it and the dull roar of the ringing is now a shrill shriek. The lights seem to be fading in and out and the sounds only seem to get louder and everything seems to be heavier and weighing down on him

and Tony is drowning.

Tony swallows hard as his heart races and his breathing shallows and his hands are sweating. He grips the chair hard and tightly and the pressure he’s applying is so much he can feel the skin of his palms straining and his skin burns. He looks around wildly, his lip trembling and he’s shaking and he feels so lost. He feels so sick and his body cannot handle any more and he’s losing control fast and Tony more than anything hates losing control because he feels like he’s floating away and he feels so hauntingly light.

He desperately wants to ground himself and come back because he’s so terrified he’ll float away so far he can never come back. But then his gaze locks upon Peter’s and it’s like he’s grabbed his hand just before he’s fallen off the cliff into nothingness.

And he still feels like he’s teetering off the edge but he’s still here, and as Peter gives him the kindest look he’s ever seen he feels himself being brought back up to the surface slowly but surely. Everything else seems to fade into a dull roar and he focuses his entire entity on to him.

‘Breathe’, Peter mouths, and he begins to breathe in and out slowly and steadily, gesturing for him to follow suit.

Tony nods shakily, and slowly tries to match him. He’s off tempo and he’s rushing, coming in a bit too early but he gets a sense of the rhythm and follows him, never once tearing his gaze, completely locked on him. And he feels safe. He’s still here.

Peter gives him a smile, a proud smile, and Tony’s left wondering what he ever did to deserve such a sweet person in his life.

Peter’s face shifts and he pulls out his phone, pretending to read a text, and it’s really obvious, and the mental note Tony made to teach Peter about stealth seems to climb up quite a bit.

“Uh, guys?” Peter interrupts the chaos that is Shield’s conference room, earning a particularly venomous look from that budget control guy from earlier.

“Yes, Mr.Parker?” Ross sighs.

“Uh, I just got a text from Mr Rhodes and he says he needs myself and Mr Stark like..uh..urgently?” Peter lies.

“Just go,” He brushes off quickly, seemingly uninterested and diving right into his angry tangent.

Peter gestures towards Tony, raising his eyebrows and heading towards the door. Tony follows, the journey a horrendous trek that seemed to leach every single joule of energy remaining in his body. He keeps himself straight and professional, but the moment the doors closed he feels his knees buckling and his body becoming light and his world begin to tilt.

Peter was quicker, his instincts alert and responsive and in a swoop his arm was catching him and pulling him upright, supporting and caring.

“We gotta get you home, Mr.Stark, I’ll call Happy,” Peter suggests, his grip strong but not hurtful in any sense.

“You shouldn’t see me like this,” Tony laments, remorse and shame lacing his words.

“Why not?”

“Your role models shouldn’t be weak.”

Peter is silent for a moment, but he softens, “All my heroes aren’t perfect.”

“Captain America was the scrawny little guy from New York,” Peter explains softly, and chuckles, “Just like me.”

“Dr Banner has some mental health problems. Hawkeye is hard of hearing. Black Widow used to be an assassin. Winter Soldier’s going through some pretty serious trauma, and so is Falcon. The Scarlet Witch worked with Ultron. And Thor..uh, he seems pretty perfect but uh, I’m sure there’s something–oh yeah, he’s got pretty strong emotions he can’t resist sometimes.”

“But my point is.. All my heroes aren’t perfect . And neither are you and that’s okay. It helps me know that I can be somebody too, you know?” Peter says, and looks over at him to give him a reassuring smile that tells him everything will be okay.

“I..didn’t have a lot growing up and seeing that my favourite heroes don’t have everything makes me feel like I can really do something with my life, you know? All I need..is that drive to make the world better, right? So yeah, no, I gotta disagree with you Mr Stark, my role models don’t have to be always strong. They just gotta keep trying.”

Tony can’t help his smile, “The whole world should be like you, kid. Kids like you remind me about why we do this.”

Tony puts a hand on his shoulder and brings him a bit closer, “Now, enough sap talk and let’s get me the hell home.”

[grapesodatozier]

5 Times Nancy Wheeler Saw Her Little Brother Cry and 1 Time She Saw Him Smile

here’s that st fic i mentioned a few days ago! i wrote this when 5+1s were still a thing lmao.

this is, for the most part, canon compliant. ship wise, there’s lots of mentions of mileven, but this is mostly just nancy caring about/looking after mike and being a good older sister (duffers take note) bc i love them both and wanna see more of their relationship lol. this is my first (and tbh v possibly only) st fic. i’d post it to my st blog ( @curlywheelers hmu lol) but my irl friends follow that blog so i’m posting it here instead lmao

words: 2,190

warnings: mentions of canon character deaths, generally v angsty lol

read on ao3 or below (:

Nancy Wheeler has seen her little brother cry plenty of times. He cried nearly every Thursday afternoon and Saturday morning the one spring their mom had signed him up for baseball, and she always rolled her eyes at him. He cried when he went down a hill too fast and fell off his bike when he was nine, and she put Band-Aids on his cuts. He cried when their parents would argue, and she hugged him until long after the shouting stopped so he couldn’t see her own tears. Still, her experience with Mike’s pain didn’t make it any easier for her as his older sister to witness.

* * *

Nancy sat in the living room with her parents, the three of them deafeningly silent; what was there to say? They had just received the phone call that Will Byers’ body had been found in the quarry, and they had no idea where Mike was, or whether he had heard or not. The only sounds that cut through the heavy air were Karen Wheeler’s uneven breaths as she tried to stifle her sobs of concern, wringing her hands. Nancy bit her lip to keep herself from crying too.

After what felt like hours, they finally heard the front door open. Mrs. Wheeler jumped up and met her son in the entryway of the house. Nancy watched as Mike crumpled into his mother’s embrace, sobs wracking through his body. Her chest ached and the tears started flowing; she wished she could do something to help, but what was there to say? Kids aren’t supposed to die. Kids aren’t supposed to watch their friends die. Nancy trembled as she watched her brother cling to their mother.

* * *

Nancy didn’t know what to say, but she knew she had to say something. Or maybe just listen, or even just be there. She had to do something for him; he couldn’t even tell their parents. She knocked on his bedroom door, but it opened slightly to reveal that he wasn’t in there. She sighed, knowing where he’d be. She did her best to avoid her parents as she made her way to the basement; she only ever went down there to do laundry and look for old clothes, and she felt almost like she was intruding on a space not meant for her as she swung the door open and started down the staircase. The sight before her stopped her in her tracks about halfway down.

Mike’s watery brown eyes stared up at her from a fort she had never seen before, making him look like a deer in headlights. He dropped the walkie-talkie he had clutched in his hands and began wiping his eyes as he sniffled. Nancy hurried down the stairs, sitting beside him. Nothing was said between them as she pulled him into her side, resting her cheek on the top of his head. The words she’d heard him say in Will’s hospital room echoed in her mind; She saved us. But she’s gone now. “Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked quietly. He shook his head, and she left it at that. She felt his body begin to shake as his tears came again, and as she rubbed his arm she willed herself to keep her own at bay.

The two siblings may not have been the closest in the world, but Nancy was good at reading people, and Mike was an open book anyway, so she could tell that Eleven had meant a lot to him. Thinking about it, El had probably been Mike’s first serious crush. Nancy’s chest ached; she was feeling loss too, and she couldn’t bear the thought that her little brother was feeling anything remotely similar to her own pain. He was only twelve – no twelve-year-old deserved what happened to him; he had been through far more grief than any twelve-year-old can be expected to handle. He was a good kid, and so was Eleven; they had both just been trying to help, and now Mike was heartbroken, and Eleven-

Nancy pulled him closer. He cried a little harder.

* * *

Jonathan jumped out of the car as soon as it was parked in his driveway, barely stopping to take the keys out of the ignition. Nancy followed, rushing up the porch and holding the door open for him as he carried Will’s unconscious body out of the car and into the house. Hopper’s truck was right behind them, and Nancy watched as he helped Joyce out of the car and into the house as well. She was about to follow them in when she realized Mike hadn’t gotten out of the car. Dustin, Max, and Lucas rushed into the house, Steve behind them. He paused in the doorway when he realized she wasn’t following.

“Hey,” Steve said softly, “you coming in?” She shook her head without looking at him.

“I need to check on Mike,” she whispered, descending the stairs of the porch and heading back to Jonathan’s car. She heard the front door close behind her.

She took a deep breath outside the car before opening the door and sliding into the backseat next to Mike. He didn’t react; he just stared at the seat in front of him, his eyes wide and faraway. “Hey,” she spoke gently. When she still received no response, she took his hand in hers – it was shaking. “You okay?” She knew it was a stupid question, but she had no idea what else to say. Normally she’d just be there for him, but he wasn’t crying or yelling or anything – she needed something, even just for him to squeeze her hand back. It took about a minute of silence, but he finally spoke up.

“I could hear them,” he whispered, his voice breathy and broken. She felt his grip on her hand tighten as his tears started to fall. He turned his head to look at her, not bothering to wipe away the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. “I heard those- those things-” he began saying, his own sobs cutting him off. Nancy’s heart sank into her stomach; no one had mentioned why Bob wasn’t in the car or why Mrs. Byers was sobbing, but it wasn’t too hard to fill in the gaps. Nancy thought she might be sick at the thought of her little brother witnessing that. She wanted to put her arm around him, but he had her hand in a death grip.

“Mike,” she whispered, beginning to cry herself, “I’m so sorry.” And then he was in her arms, rocking back and forth slightly while he sobbed. She rubbed her hand in circles on his back while holding him as tightly as she could, as though he might float away. He could’ve, god, it could’ve been him who’d been eaten alive by those things. And now she was really, truly crying as well. “I’m so glad you’re safe,” she sobbed, not wanting to ever let him out of her sight again. “I’m so, so sorry, Mike, I’m never gonna let anything happen to you, okay?” she vowed. He pulled back to look at her and nodded.

“Y-you too,” he said, his entire body still shaking, his face red and puffy. They stared at each other for a moment before Mike started wiping his eyes. “You shou-hould p-probably go check on Jo-onathan,” he said, his words hiccupped with small sobs.

“I’m not leaving you,” she said with an air of finality. He looked at his older sister with an incredible amount of grief and fear, but also with clear gratitude before burying his face back in her shoulder. They stayed like that for what felt like an hour, but was really more like five minutes before collecting themselves and heading inside to join the others.

Just as Mike was about to open the door, Nancy stopped him. He gave her a questioning look, and she did something she hadn’t done in years: she kissed his cheek. “Agh, gross,” he complained, pulling a face. But he still squeezed her hand before going inside, and they both understood.

* * *

After making sure Joyce and Will were comfortable and safe in the backseat, Nancy climbed into the passenger seat beside Jonathan. Her eyes strayed to the Byers’ porch where Steve was standing with Lucas, Max, Dustin, and Mike. Her heart tightened as she thought about the conversation she’d just had with Steve – if you could even call it a conversation. But her heart hurt a whole lot more when she saw Mike watching El leave with tears in his eyes. She could only imagine what he was feeling right now, having just gotten her back and now having to watch her leave again. Nancy knew as well as everyone else that there was no certainty that any of the six who were leaving were coming back, and El was least likely of all to survive, excepting Will. Nancy watched her brother get smaller and smaller as she drove away, wishing desperately that she could be on that porch telling him everything was going to be okay. But Jonathan needed her, too, even more than Mike, and she knew Steve wouldn’t let anything happen to him. Still, it broke her heart to see her little brother in so much pain when there was nothing she could do to help.

* * *

“Mom, have you seen my pink lip gloss?” Nancy called from the stairs.

“I haven’t,” her mother’s reply came from the kitchen. “Have you checked the bathroom?”

“I already did!” Nancy called back in frustration, running back up the stairs before she could hear Karen’s reply. On her way to her room, she noticed Mike’s door was open a crack. She could hear muffled sniffles coming from his room as she walked closer. The door creaked open when she knocked to reveal Mike sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. He jerked up at the sound of Nancy’s entrance. She noted the tears on his cheeks and the suit and tie lying next to him on his bed, nice and neat and definitely untouched since their mom had put them there for him. Nancy closed the door and walked further into the room. “God, Mike, I know you can’t dance, but it’s nothing to get so worked up over,” she joked lightly, taking a seat next to him.

“Leave me alone,” he grumbled, wiping at his cheeks.

“What’s up?” she asked gently.

“It’s nothing,” he mumbled in response. Nancy just sat there, waiting until he was ready to share. He sighed eventually, still avoiding her gaze as he confessed, “I promised her I’d take her.” Nancy’s heart dropped. “I told her all about it, and I promised I’d take her, and now I can’t.” Nancy hated hearing the pain in his voice, but at least this time it was easier, because this time Nancy wasn’t useless to him; this time, Nancy knew something he didn’t, she knew she would be able to help make him feel better. Still, it sucked to see her little brother so upset. But she wasn’t about to ruin the surprise.

“I’m sure she understands,” she said. “It’s safer this way.”

“That’s all anyone ever says,” Mike answered, sadness evident in his voice though he tried to sound annoyed.

“I know,” Nancy replied softly. “But hey, you’ll have a great time with your friends! And maybe I’ll even save you a dance,” she teased.

“Ugh, gross,” Mike complained, pretending to vomit as he shoved her away. She giggled, but left the room anyway.

“Get dressed!” she called before closing the door, “Mom put a lot of thought into that outfit!” He flipped her off, a gesture she returned with a smile before returning to her search.

She gave one last look around her room, finding her lip gloss under her dresser, before taking her makeup case and slipping out of the house before Mike could see her with it.

* * *

Nancy smiled down at Dustin, nodding her head to the music as she swayed. She let her eyes linger for a moment, disappointed to see that Mike was sitting alone, staring off into space forlornly. It was upsetting, but she knew he’d be smiling soon enough. As if on cue, she watched him look toward the door, eyes wide as he jumped out of his seat. Nancy smiled to herself, watching as Mike started walking toward El. Nancy silently congratulated herself on her styling abilities, proud that El’s hair had stayed the way she’d styled it.

“Holy shit.” Dustin’s eyes had followed Nancy’s and the two of them watched as Mike took El’s hand. “Is she allowed to be here?” Dustin whispered.

“Hopper knows she’s here, and he’s outside if anything happens,” Nancy assured him, a smile on her face. Dustin’s face lit up.

“You knew about this?”

“Who do you think did her makeup?”

They glanced back over at Mike and El. They were resting their foreheads together as they swayed to the music, and Nancy’s heart soared; she hadn’t seen her little brother smile like that in such a long time.

[herthoughtsonasite-blog]

To Ian, From Lor

Holiday notes: Promise after one year you’ll finish reading. It’s long ah, so careful but enjoy 😉  Try to read it in your laptop too coz the font is really nice!

First of all, I can't believe we've known each other for over a year now and I only learned from days ago that you wrote a blog about me! I couldn't believe it still but what better way to express my reaction to that than to make one blog entry to you?! I don't know what I'm doing! Go figure! Crazy right?  BUT WHO WRITES A BLOG ABOUT ME? THATS CRAZIER! GAH I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FEEL SO HERE'S MY RAW BUT AUTHENTIC THOUGHTS LOL (I will not stop typing till I think I've said enough and I will only proof read it once. Or not. Whatever! HAHA (I will be formal now)

Here it goes:

If you want to confirm if it really is you that I'm writing about, I am posting one blog entry of yours at the end of this one that hit me right to the core, amongst many others... BUT DO NOT SKIP. I beg you not. Please, read all the way through, bud.

You met me at a time where I was no where with or without. An instant click - and although you would have wanted to take it much further, you have earned your right to know me better from then on, when you respected my choice of turning the year or two or more - to be a time for just me. You probably think I did not mean it to this extent, but here I am anyway.

It touches my heart when I realize how platonic this relationship has become, how you could always be just a message away and that even if we don't talk for a very, verrry long time, a single message that I send never becomes unnoticed, whether it be a political injustice whose nitty gritty details I hope to understand,  to the simplest "vent" as to how I feel so incomplete when I cannot go to my homebox.

And for you to respond instantly at literally any time of the day except when you're doing your recits, is amazing. HOW? Also, when you check on me randomly, without a hidden motive,  know that I appreciate that, even if sometimes, it takes days for me to reply :( I'm sorry. You know what’s up.

And yes, okay... there's no need to apologize... I just want to say thank you, bud, for not "insisting yourself" on days I don't feel like myself... For supporting me to handle me. 

We pride ourselves in our "busy" lives and I like that we enjoy how preoccupied we think we are. Or so I think... There's always stories to tell each other about. Experiences - that fill me in such a way that I’ve never been before, because this time, I am only pursuing myself, invested in what time I have, unsubmissive and independent of anyone else.  And to me, that's something worth remembering. Who knows if I’ll ever feel this way again?

There is not a lot of people I come across who is in that pursuit, especially not our age- (range) (yes you oldie haha), certainly not everyone who says they are, can commit to such a bold choice. Most people wants somebody, but do they want themselves enough? Do people take the time to fall inlove with themselves first? Anyone can say you can do those while being with someone, but it’s really different. I’ve felt the difference. We all just want to be loved wholly at the end of the day, and it really starts with ourselves, and for me, that takes time. Imagine, for the rest of your life you will be spending it with someone eventually. When are you gonna have a time like this ever again?

“Single by choice”, is powerful.

Ian, it is my new found admiration in people to see them accomplished, and humbled by the heartbreaks of this life. To me, you reached the prime of your maturity when you decided to take a step back, rediscover yourself first and invest in your becoming, after you and your “TOTGA” was no longer. I still remember crying just listening to you talk about her, like she was everything you saw your whole life through. I felt that. It was very pure, and it was very brave of you to say the truth with peace reigning in your heart. You smiled and then you shed a tear I knew came from the very depths of your heart. Knowing you, you could have easily jumped into a new relationship any second, getting who was available to catch you in that moment. But you’re much better than most, setting her and yourself free, was much more appealing. Dun talaga ako bilib sayo. I think if not for your wisdom that night, I could have said yes, to Bianca right away. Or maybe DJ? Diba October lang yun? They were something too diba?  

Anyway.

There is a pure bliss in the reality that we both have different social circles, age range (this is the last time I will mention that haha), and come from different places. Bahay mo lang ang Siargao ah. There is something to be told in difference and diversity, it is so complementary, it has been a breathe of fresh air...

Of course, after hearing about your past, it’s good to see how great you turned out to be. You taught me to give myself some time for deep "self actualization", a time I realized that would take more than I had hoped, to realize and admit my shortcomings (which are a lot), to embrace every emotion that would come of it, to forgive myself though difficult, and to forgive those who hurt us too, because it is time to face an entirely new book. This was a lot for me to ingest at a time, but you know very well that I'm still trying.

You taught me not to scorn my past, and to cope better day by day. No matter how many relapses occurs. You are among the people whose sentiments I most value at a time I felt betrayed and lost. I would have coped very poorly, but the universe was kind to me. Healing after all, as you said ... "is not linear."

Acknowledging hurt was one. How the good times flutter in your head like they they’ve only happened yesterday. How you can feel everything all at once, how you can remember without pause all details your fickle mind can carry. In the quiet moments of the day and night when when your heart begs to feel a certain way again. I struggle to remind myself I am only human and this is very normal.

You helped me see that love is not really definite. That it comes in many forms. That I was capable of acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude. No matter what happened. “Love only transforms and transcends, it can never be destroyed”, said our Buddhist friend. Love is wishing them well, regardless of how painful the circumstances have become. Love is rightfully praying for happiness, and especially for those who hurt us. Love was being stronger and wiser, but never bitter or angry. (I still surprise myself at how calm I have become) Love is setting free. Love is loving myself, until I’m ready to love another again.

Pause. WEW. Misty eyes.

I’m back. Sniff.

I learned about the thrill to open oneself to the world immeasurably again, to slow down, and discover my pace, and to know that the world is full of endless possibilities, and life will unfold irrevocably. There is no need to rush into something that requires you to expend yourself exclusively to another. 

I remember the first time you said you saw "growth" in me when individuals (you all did not want to hear about, but listened anyway) either came back, showed interest in me, and I too, in them, but somehow, I made the conscious choice not to act on my emotions. There it was. A new me (?) 

You knew my losses and my gains, and the very fact that I'm barely back at my feet, but still, there you are.

You constantly tell me that you learn a lot from me, I would just say the same about you, but actually more. So thank you, your existence has been unimaginably nurturing to me and it has been that way because of the dynamics we mutually made it to be.

There’s no way I can call you anything in particular.  Anything would be an overstatement or understatement, and this is not to flatter you, but to be simply honest. Friend? Soulmate? I'm not sure.

In just a year, you started a new journey and I did mine too. I did not expect for me to give such a damn about someone else's life at such a selfish time in my life.

However, you've remained good to me, Ian. I love hearing about your breakthroughs and staying by your side during your breakdowns. You on the other hand, have not once taken advantage of my vulnerability, my break downs and even to the time  when I could not shed a tear anymore. When I was "washed out". “Finally natuyo na yang luha mo.” 

Between rekindling my old relationships with old friends and family, turning strangers into important people in my life and just sparking new friendships here and there, I have learned that making valuable connections is not necessarily rare for me to do.

I wish I could say ours was an exception, but you know exceptions are hard for me to make now. Just live and flow, right? No more flowery majingy. But somehow... I fall in love with people and life all the time more now. No preference, no counsel. Just natural appreciation for everything and everyone around.

My  only regret in my past was not taking down note about the time I made the conscious choice to submit solely to one. My, what an adventure would that have been, to see that version of myself in this new found perspective that I have now. I think only one person can attest about me at that time, and...well

You helped me unravel pieces of me I did not know I am. Many things I would not have known if not for my circumstance.

It is a trying time to be present when the mind pulls and pushes me between dimensions. So here I am not wishing you were here, but just thankful for who you are. It's crazy how certain conversations is enough for me to feel. Fuck my mind instead, right? Physical stimulation is so easy. Kidding. Let's talk about that next time, yes?

I wish whatever foretolds my future, be it my success, challenges, wedding, nunhood, or death, you will be there to speak. To speak of me and remind me of this version of myself because who knows what I will be like then?

WHO KNOWS HOW I WILL LOVE WHEN I WILL BE WHOLE AGAIN?

“Dear Future Lover, From Self Loving Phase” should that be my next post? Kidding.

And who knows what you will turn out to be? Who knows.  

I know you found love within you, iba talaga. Si Popoy nga 2 years. Ako kaya? Jokes. I hope when you are ready to love again, they are as ready as you are and you are both deserving of each other. Or who knows? You and her will meet again and by then you’re better for each other? Like the How’s of Us. Or. Who knows talaga. Bahala na si Batman.

Ok I think I’m done, I have a class pa. 

HAPPY TUESDAY, BUANG!!!

As promised, my personal favorite from your blog: (I’m not assuming, but you really put a picture of me so maybe it’s me noh?) :https://dontholdbacksite.wordpress.com/2017/12/10/i-felt-love-im-sure-i-did/

P.S

Your blog is among the best reads I’ve had in so long. It’s like having a glimpse of me at a time where I didn’t recognize myself at all. 

Thank you for writing about me. https://dontholdbacksite.wordpress.com/2018/02/16/to-my-baby/

[osakaso5]

Riku Nanase Birthday Photobook Rabbit Chat Part 5: All Their Gratitude. 

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Iori: It's midnight. 

Tamaki: Hbd, Rikkun

Mitsuki: Riku! Congrats!!! 

Yamato: Congrats. We're going to spoil our center again this month. 

Nagi: Congratulations, Riku!!! Now that you have graciously accepted the baton from me, you will surely have a HAPPY birthday. 

Sogo: Happy birthday, Riku-kun. I hope you have a great day. 

Riku: Wow!!! Thank you, everyone!! I'm so happy!! 

Tsumugi: Congratulations again from me, as well! I hope you have a lovely day..! 

Riku: Hey, manager! Everyone's dressed up as Tenn-nii! lol

Tsumugi: Kujo-san!? 

Iori: We weren't sure of what to do at first, but if there's anything Nanase-san loves, it's Kujo-san... 

Mitsuki: Some of us   put in no effort. 

Tamaki: Tenten doesn't wear glasses, Yama-san. 

Yamato: Don't rob me of my identity. 

Sogo: I can't let TRIGGER see me like this... 

Nagi: I just took a great picture of you. Shall I send it to Kujo-shi? 

Sogo: Don't!!! 

Riku: I'm sure it'll make Tenn-nii laugh, Sogo-san! 

Sogo: I feel like Kujo-san will just make fun of me... 

Mitsuki: At least you sorta look like him, I think it suits you. 

Yamato: Why did you type that while looking at me, Mitsu? 

Iori: Wasn't there anything we could've done about Nikaido-san's low quality cosplay? 

Yamato: My face looks nothing like his to begin with. 

Riku: Oh yeah! Since you're all dressed up as Tenn-nii, you should try acting like him! 

Nagi: What!? 

Iori: Ah... The patron demon of unreasonable requests rears his head once again. 

Tsumugi: I'd like to see you all impersonate him! lol

Tamaki: Ask Ban-chan. He's good at that stuff. 

Riku: Please just do what I say! lol

Sogo: Right, this is Riku-kun's birthday, after all... We should at least try. If it'll make  you happy, then I'll do my best. 

Yamato: Sou's getting as shaky as the pictures Tsunashi-san always takes. 

Riku: Now, start by saying: "Do you want to become a fallen angel with me?"

Mitsuki: Say what!?  lololololol

Nagi: Spoken like a true middle schooler. 

Riku: Hurry up! 

Iori: Good grief, let's just get this over and done with! 

Tsumugi: I'm so excited..! 

Riku: I'm evaluating their performances... 

Riku: Hmmm

Riku: Now I'm picking the best one... 

Riku: The winner is... 

Tsumugi: The winner is!? 

Riku: Sogo-san!! Congratulations! 

Tamaki: Huuuuh, why So-chan? 

Riku: Because he looks the most like Tenn-nii!!! 

Mitsuki: lololololol What was the point of making us act like him then, lolololololol

Iori: You really are a demon. 

Riku: What the heck, Iori!? I'll make you say the line again! 

Iori: Ugh... 

Yamato: What are you doing, Sou? 

Sogo: Nagi-kun  appears to have filmed  our impersonations so  he could send them to Kujo-san, so I'm deleting the data. 

Nagi: NOOOOOOO!! My precious data!! 

Tamaki: So-chan just protected the world from chaos

Mitsuki: Oh yeah, Iori started looking at the clock every five minutes about three hours before this, lol

Tamaki: Why? Was he measuring time? 

Nagi: He must have been anticipating Riku's birthday. 

Riku: Really!? 

Iori: You're imagining things. I was just counting the tiles on the wall. 

Yamato: What a lame excuse (lol)

Iori: You're the one who kept fixing his wig constantly, Nikaido-san! 

Mitsuki: Old man, lololol

Yamato: But Mitsu and Sou were fussing around asking people if they needed more tea, too (lol)

Tamaki: Lmao @ Mikki & So-chan Was I the only one who kept his cool? 

Sogo: Didn't you sleep with Riku-kun in his room last night, Tamaki-kun? 

Riku: I thought it was because you had a bad dream and were feeling lonely, but was  it actually because of  my birthday!? 

Nagi: How cute, Tamaki. The two of you  remind��me of an afterschool afterschool special. 

Tamaki: You came over to sleep in Rikkun's room later, too!!! 

Nagi: *evil grin*

Tsumugi: All of you couldn't help looking forward to Riku-san's birthday, then! 

Riku: I'm so happy, you guys..! 

Iori: While I am glad all this has made you happy, continuing this conversation while all of us are still dressed up as Kujo-san feels awfully surreal, so I'd like to get changed already... 

Mitsuki: True, lolol And we've prepared a lot of other stuff for you, too! 

Nagi: It is about time to show you what we are made of. 

Riku: What is it!? I'm pretty satisfied with just seeing you all cosplay  Tenn-nii, though! lol

Yamato: That would be too anticlimactic (lol)

Sogo: We've got a present for you. 

Riku: Don't tell me it's tabasco!? 

Sogo: Huh!? No, it's something that'll make you happy. 

Tamaki: At least you realize that tabasco wouldn't make Rikkun happy. 

Tsumugi: Now, Riku-san, it's about time you get ready! 

Riku: Ah, you mean for the usual!! 

Choices/outcomes:

1. I'm sure that costume will suit you!

Riku: Really!? I'm a little worried! 

2. Are you ready, Riku-san?

Riku: To tell you the truth, my heart's racing, but I'm okay! lol

3. Time to get changed!

Riku: I was really excited to see what kind of glasses I'd get! 

Tsumugi: Everyone, are you finished with the preparations? 

Mitsuki: We're good! Looks like Riku's gonna have the glasses propped up on top of his head! 

Riku: Let me act cool just this once! 

Yamato: What's so cool about wearing glasses on top of your head? 

Riku: I thought it'd make me look like Yaotome-san..! 

Iori: Are you trying to become Yaotome-san? 

Riku: He's such an adult man, I think he's cool! 

Sogo: I know what you mean, Riku-kun. Few men would look as good with a pair of sunglasses and some champagne as he does. 

Mitsuki: As much as I'd love to keep talking about him, let's bring out the cake before this becomes all about Yaotome! 

Tamaki: I'll help

Nagi: Behold, the cake that I, Mitsuki, and Tamaki have made. 

Yamato: All you did was taste test it, Nagi. 

Nagi: That is an important task X-P

Iori: And all Yotsuba-san did was put the candles on top. 

Sogo: But they have been set up very artistically. 

Iori: Artistically..? 

Mitsuki: Ta-dah! Here's your special cake! 

Riku: Wow! It's huge! There's so many fruits! 

Riku: Let's all eat it together! 

Nagi: It is best for us to do everything as a group. 

Riku: So let's do exactly that, Nagi! 

Nagi: Yes. 

Tsumugi: How wonderful..! 

Riku: Ehehe! 

Riku: Speaking of wonderful, please do that thing now! 

Riku: Where you tell me you love me! 

Iori: I thought you wouldn't remember that... 

Riku: Of course I do! You have to be especially sincere, Iori! 

Yamato: Our birthday boy's cocky as usual (lol)

Mitsuki: Iori, show him you're a man! 

Tamaki: Fight. 

Iori: Arent you all going to be saying it too!? 

Tsumugi: Everyone, please tell Riku-san you love him! 

Riku: Pretty please! 

Mitsuki: Alright, time to man up! 

Nagi: YES!

Sogo: Here we go

Riku: !!!!!! 

Riku: I really love you guys, too!!! 

Riku: And Iori, your face is all red!! Like a tomato, lol

Tsumugi: You finally got to hear it, Riku-san! 

Riku: Yeah! 

Riku: Even Iori said it properly, so I'm all satisfied now! lol

Iori: I won't do that again. 

Tsumugi: I'm glad you had a fun time today. Please let us celebrate you again next year! 

Yamato: Riku's trying to get Ichi to feed him strawberries right now (lol) 

Tsumugi: Huh!? lol

Sogo: Riku-kun and Iori-kun really are good friends. 

Nagi: I think MEZZO" is on par with them, though? 

Sogo: R-really..? 

Riku: I got to see Iori looking all embarrassed, so this was a great birthday! lol

Mitsuki: The things people do for birthdays... 

Tsumugi: Well then, it's about time for your  birthday messages to Riku-san! 

Nagi: I shall begin. I am grateful to be able to celebrate your birth with everyone once again. Please, let me stay by your side and watch as your smile grants happiness to the people of the world. 

Mitsuki: Happy birthday, Riku! We can only be ourselves because you're pushing us forward as the center! Keep showing us just how incredibly cool you can be, Riku Nanase! 

Yamato: Congrats, Riku. Even when I can't help doting on you, it surprises me how mature you can act. You've been really cool lately. 

Tamaki: 'Grats, Rikkun! Let's keep playing games and hanging out. Sometimes it's like you're my little bro,  but sometimes you act like the older one. Let's stay healthy. 

Sogo: Happy birthday, Riku-kun. Reading the Riku Photobook made me remember how charming you are. We're so proud of how  kind and strong you are.  I hope to keep working  with you. 

Iori: Nanase-san, happy birthday. I wasn't sure if I should tell you this when you're acting so cocky, but I'll do it anyways. 

Iori: Just by standing at our forefront, you've taken us so far. While you usually act spoiled, on stage you are more brilliant, strong, and dignified than anyone else. Please, continue to show us your strength. 

Yamato: Ah, Riku's about to cry

Tamaki: You made him cry again, Iorin

Iori: How is this my fault!? 

Sogo: Riku-kun, do you have a hankerchief? 

Nagi: "I, I dooooon't", he says. 

Tsumugi: Riku-san, are you alright!? ><

Riku: I'm fine

Riku: It's been rough sometimes

Riku: I've thought about quitting, too

Riku: But you guys were right behind me, giving me support and strength with your voices. Letting me know that I belong here.

Riku: I'm glad I became an idol

Iori: We couldn't do this without you. 

Yamato: You were pretty much born to be an idol, Riku. 

Mitsuki: Wow! Even the old man's getting sentimental. 

Nagi: Even the old man is getting sentimental. 

Yamato: S-shut up... 

Sogo: Yamato-san's face is turning just as red as Iori-kun's was earlier. 

Tamaki: Tomato: glasses edition 

Tsumugi: Riku-san, you're also being celebrated on social media..! I was wondering if you could say a few words for them ><

Riku: Yes!! 

Riku: This is the second time you've all celebrated me. I'm very happy to spend this day with the members that I've fought with, cried with, and laughed with! 

Riku: The last time, I thought I might be the happiest person on Earth, but now I think I might be the happiest person in the universe. I want to share this feeling with you, even if it's just a little fragment of it. 

Riku: Usually it's embarrassing when people tell me they love me, but now I can say this! I really love all of you, too!! I'm really glad I got to meet you! 

Translator’s notes..? 

next up: banri’s birthday rabbit tvs! 

[aja154ever]

GRANRODEO LIVE TOUR 2017 Pierrot Dancin’ Zepp DiverCity Tokyo - 06/09/2017

Set List

Pierrot Dancin’

TRASH CANDY

ナミダバナ

Glorious days

FAT SHAPER

君に one way love

日常ホライゾン

Fake lover’s true heart

HARD DRIVING MIDNIGHT

ボルケーノ

The Other Self

終わらぬ夢

BIG SUN

Darlin’

NO PLACE LIKE A STAGE

カナリヤ

modern strange cowboy

UNDER THE SKY

Once & Forever

Y.W.F.

Can Do

The fan report I thought I couldn’t write - because it was so hard to put these feelings into words. But still wrote anyway, for recording purposes. As in my previous GR report (March mini live), this may not be arranged in order. And warning: a very Kiiyan-centric post.

I’m relatively new to the GR fandom, though I met Kiiyan from UtaPri and has been a fan of his singing voice from the first time I heard it. This is actually my first time to attend a GR full live so yeah feelings, feelings, and feelings. This is my 4th time to watch and hear Kiiyan sing live though, and among those, his voice was in the best condition this time.

I was already expecting Pierrot Dancin’ to be the first song plus it’s no longer my first time to hear it live anyway, but no, I was not prepared at all for Kiiyan’s voice. The acapella intro was SO devastatingly good that my heart jumped out of my chest. I wasn’t able to yell cheers and get pumped up with everyone because I stood there as if I was struck by a lightning lol. It.was.that.good. But later on as the song progressed and the music joined Kiiyan, I think the performance was a bit off - except for today’s intro, it was better the last time I heard it.

But aside from Pierrot Dancin’, I think everything else was good.

TRASH CANDY - Oh this song will always be special to me as this was the first GR song I heard live, thanks to the Bungou Stray Dogs event. And I LOVE BSD, and Kiiyan reminds me so much of Chuuya that I can see Chuuya singing this song. I love them both so so much T.T

The stretch (idk what to call it) for the last word in ナミダバナ (知れ-Shire) was magnificently done receiving cheers from the crowd.

Everyone, including the crowd, did better in FAT SHAPER and Fake lover’s true heart today than the first time. Oh both songs was a blast!

Really good vocals for HARD DRIVING MIDNIGHT OMG

The Other Self - another GR song close to my heart. 

Nanno tame ni ganbaru no mada mienai kedo Sore demo yukundarou Sore dake wa shitteiru Chii ya meiyo dake nanka janai ze Mukau saki wa mae dake de ii Shita wo muitatte jimen shika mienai Dakara ikeru toko made

(“For what purpose are we doing our best? We cannot see it yet. But even so, we will still go on, right? That’s the only thing we know. This isn’t just for status nor prestige. Where we should face is only towards what’s in front of us. If we look down, there’s nothing to see but the ground. So we should go wherever we can”)

This lyrics strikes me personally that I actually quoted it in a speech contest I joined back at school. And hearing it live straight from Kiiyan for the first time, so you expect tears from me. Yes, Kiiyan, no matter how harsh life is, I’ll do my best. Thank you.

終わらぬ夢 - THIS. THIS. THIS. This is one of my personal favorites in the latest album and have been wishing badly to hear this live. So when I learned that Kiiyan sang this in the Hokkaido tour, I said I’m gonna die when this moment comes. Now what. I just can’t describe. It was astoundingly beautiful. Kiiyan how could you sound just the same or even better live? I apologize to the people beside me but I did my best to control my overwhelming emotions. I cried more when Kiiyan sang the line, “dakara nakanaide” lol

Glorious Days and BIG SUN sound so good live! I REALLY loved the live version more than the CD. Kiiyan forgot some lyrics in BIG SUN’s chorus though. He just sang “tenenenen.” LOL KIIYAN PLEASE

Darlin’ - NO PLACE LIKE A STAGE - カナリヤ - modern strange cowboy - This was a very exhaustingly fun line-up. Crowd participation at its best. But can I just say that I love Darlin’ so much yayyyy

UNDER THE SKY - THIS. THIS. You know Kiiyan’s voice is always beautiful but slow songs like this really kill me. Again he sang this REALLY well. Oh please I’m running out of adjectives. I badly wanted to shout “I love you too” after he said the last line, “I love you.”

Once & Forever - Y.W.F. - Encore. Everyone was already so wild at this point. Can this not end please. I just want to jump and bang my head all night.

Can Do - Ending the night with this made me reflect as this is where everything for me began. I met GRANRODEO from Kuroko no Basuke, and so basically Can Do is the first GR song I learned. It will forever hold a special place in my heart. This was the last song so I just went all out yelling, jumping, singing, dancing, everything.

MC points

It’s been 3 weeks since the Hokkaido live, which was the first leg of the tour. And so they said it felt like the first day again. e-zuka said that he was nervous and joked the crowd not to look at him as he wants to focus.

e-zuka teased Kiiyan about crying in the Utapri Live. Introducing the next song, Kiiyan suddenly spoke in a cool voice that caught e-zuka’s attention. He said, “I thought you already left that good voice and the tears in Seibu Dome.” Kiiyan got embarrassed and replied that what was circulating on the internet about him was a lie (just like what he said in his tweet lol). He told us to watch the Blu-ray when it arrives, and see that he had that scene cut out! Oh tsun-tsun Kiiyan kawaii

They talked about the fact that drummer Shin has not revealed his age yet to the public, but they do know it. e-zuka hints that Shin actually came from school with a ランドセル on his back. (You know the big backpack that Japanese grade school kids use). Kiiyan laughs saying, “That’d make him Shin-chan!”

Kiiyan talked about the rainy season and the coming of summer. e-zuka then sang and played Happy birthday with his guitar. (Kiiyan’s birthday’s coming up yay!) Speaking of birthdays, they asked if anyone in the crowd was celebrating her birthday today, and there were actually some. They greeted them and thanked that they were able to come even if it’s their birthday. Incidentally, there was also a couple who was celebrating their wedding anniversary. Kiiyan also mentioned that today also happened to be Johnny Depp’s birthday. e-zuka then thanked everyone and introduced himself as Johnny Depp.

They mentioned that there are still a few tickets left for the additional Osaka tour in August. They said that they also mentioned this in the Hokkaido tour, so why are there still tickets left even after 3 weeks?? Lol I always find it cute when Kiiyan awkwardly self-promotes. Kiiyan said that on the contrary, it was apparently difficult to get tickets for the “Yama no Hi (lit. Mountain Day)” live, and he wondered why. Lol. It just happened to fall on “Taniyama no Hi (Taniyama’s Day”) and I’m so bitter I’m one of those who has not gotten one tho I got Aug 10 but still huhu

Kiiyan’s MC was interrupted at some point when sweat kept on flowing into his eyes. He then wiped his face with a towel. I just want to mention this because it was cute lol

When they announced that G7 will be held in Okinawa, Takita-san asked if he will be coming along too. Kiiyan said of course because he and e-zuka can’t do it by themselves. Takita-san said that he has actually not been to Okinawa which gained an “EEEEEHHHHHH?” from the crowd. Takita-san asked why they are making such EH reaction, “Is it that bad (that I haven’t gone to Okinawa)??”

When Kiiyan announced that there’s only one song left, he received a sad “EEEEHHH” from the crowd. Kiiyan grunted, “Why are you looking so dissatisfied? I just said that I’ll still be singing!” Lol Kiiyan we’re so satisfied but we just did not want this to end

Kiiyan said that it was so fun that they do not want the live to end. The crowd suggested to start over again. e-zuka enthusiastically responded, “Let’s do this again together!” as he pointed out that live performances are done by them and the audience together.

Photos/posts from official accounts:

(This was posted on the 2nd day but I just want to post this photo that had me laughing on the floor Kiiyan please why)

Wew. Wew. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this but still, I’m saying this again - that Kiiyan’s singing voice is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. While listening there live, my thoughts were like, “Everyone should listen to this! It’s too unfortunate that some people do not know about Kiiyan.” No single word exists or not even an essay can suffice to describe Kiiyan’s voice. But even so, as a fan I admit that Kiiyan’s singing is actually far from perfect. I mean voice quality and singing ability are two different things. Moreover, I actually had hesitations before as it seemed that Kiiyan sounds better in CD than in live. But no, I have really affirmed today that he can sound pretty much the same whether recorded or live. Or that he can actually sound better in live. Damn I heard him sing 21 songs this time okay. Sure there were glitches at some parts of the song, but I want it raw and I’m embracing all his imperfections. I was torn between keeping my eyes open to watch him or closing my eyes so I can listen to his voice more intently. I really love watching Kiiyan as I can feel his love for music, singing, and performing. Because that’s one of the most valuable things, right? That the performer himself is having fun with what he’s doing.

It was a very, very fun and gratifying night; but more importantly it was a night full of admiration and gratitude. And I thank God again for bringing Kiiyan and GRANRODEO into my life. See you next live! ❤