#ok normal posting ill stop being upset.

[housefreak]

i wish i could put smells online you all would agree with me i know it

[tea-and-secrets]

would it be ok to ask that this one is posted soon? i could use reassurance about it if thats alright? things are just... really hard.

im trying to come to terms with the fact that im going to be disabled for the rest of my life. i accept that im disabled *now,* but i have a degenerative disease, its not going to just stop being there. its going to keep getting worse slowly over time.

its especially hard because... even now i cant do my favorite hobby, rockhounding, because i cant bend without risking falling, i cant get on the ground to pick things up and/or dig because i wouldnt be able to get up on my own, and i cant navigate most off-road areas where the rocks im interested in are most often found.

i also desperately want to be a geologist. but i wanted more than anything to be doing fieldwork, like going out and taking samples from various areas, making maps of what could be found where based on my samples... that sort of thing. but ill never be able to do it and i have to come to terms with that.

it will get bad enough that i will need a wheelchair at some point in my life too. like, at some point within the next five to ten years.

ill also never be able to pick people up again. my whole life ive prided myself in picking people i love up during hugs, spinning them around, that sort of thing. i especially loved picking up my best friend.

they understand that i cant do that anymore and theyve never expressed sadness over it, but i cant help but think about how delighted theyve always been about me picking them up and spinning or wiggling them during hugs, and how they used to ask multiple times each hangout to be picked up and hugged.

and even if they arent upset about it, *i* am. i want to be able to do what i used to be able to. but i cant. and i never will again.

its just hard, knowing ill never be able to reach my dream career, continue my favorite outdoor hobby, continue giving love to my friends in the ways i like to... theres so much i can no longer do, and so much ill never be able to do again.

its just really hard. i dont want to be this way. but i am and i always will be, and it will get worse even if i do things like meds and physical therapy. those would just delay the collapse of my disease.

im just sad. i dont want to have to come to terms with it. but i have to or else im setting myself up for even more grief.

and its all because my mom wouldnt get me treated when i was injured in my teenage years. that injury going untreated for so long is what caused my degenerative disease to start so early. my mom has it too but she didnt start developing it until her fourties.

and then for years after my injury when talking about my back pain she just kept saying it was because im fat and that it would stop hurting if i lost weight.

which of course sparked the eating disorder i had previously recovered from.

which ive been struggling with now again for years because of that. but i was getting better again.

until now. because my body hurts too bad to get out of bed often enough to eat a healthy amount so im rapidly losing weight and my brain is saying i have to keep going and going.

and, the wheelchair thing... all my friends live and are going to live places with a lot of stairs. and *i* live somewhere with a lot of stairs too. and the doorframes in all these places arent wide enough for a wheelchair, nor are the bathrooms large enough.

its just all so hard to think about. i hate it. i want to get better and heal like a normal person would, not be in pain constantly and get worse like my body is going to.

thank you for listening. sorry for how long this is.

if i could get reassurance in tags or replies that would be really nice. this is all just so hard and i only have a few people i can confide in about it.

<3

[creatrixanimi]

as a submas fan who recently got into hazbin I would absolutely love to hear your au thoughts!!!!

Ok ill have to try to write out everything i've got so far!

So the original premise was that ingo and emmet got mixed up and ingo got sent to hell instead of emmet as an oopsie (emmet didnt do anything overly bad in life but heaven/hell stuff is so arbitrary they probably just made a weird decision somewhere down the line lol) but i thinkkk i have switched it to Ingo gets sent to hell because Volo successfully sacrificed him in a ritual and emmet, while dying in the same place, wasnt actually part of it so normal rules still applied to him. Ingo's soul is all messed up and corrupted because of the ritual which caused his amnesia. Emmet finds out about Ingo being sent to hell after he cant find ingo anywhere in heaven and rightfully gets upset at heaven's lack of action because he see's ingo's situation as a huge injustice. So Emmet's whole thing is basically just causing problems until he finds his way to hell and reunites with ingo.

Ingo's situation is where the fun is lol. So he wakes up after spawning in hell and is just a total odd-ball. Half because he doesnt remember ANYTHING from before he died. Maybe not even his name? Which is weird. And also because he's a total sweetheart. No one can figure out why he's even there because it's not like he's a hellborn so he must have done something to end up in hell. After a brief period of wandering around aimlessly, Lady Sneasler, who is an overlord in this au, kinda adopts him and takes him places because she thinks hes so charming and adorable. Melli is just a guy that hangs around lady sneasler even though he acts like he doesnt like her? She's the poison overlord (kinda like an aqua tofana situation for sneasler) and melli is a poison guy. So they kinda just fall into the same group. So they both become friends of Ingo. After a while of character introductions and some brief fun stuff like Sneasler getting Ingo to do all kinds of fun stuff he probably wouldnt do on his own (like the clubbing thing lmao) Ingo has his first blackout, probably triggered by some sort of memory thing, and its kinda terrifying. When he has those blackouts he shifts into his full demon form and his power goes haywire causing a lot of destruction. Its a huge shock because normally regular sinner demons dont really have much in terms of inherent power and also because Ingo cant actually use his powers while conscious so there was no sign of him being capable of that level of chaos. Anyway, after he has his little blackout his body sustains damage from exerting that kind of power and is kinda down for the count for a while afterwards. His story from there on is figuring out what is going on with him and trying to stop those blackouts before it either destroys him or a good chunk of the city, whichever comes first lmao. Sneasler is kinda just there to reign in ingo and melli she just loves a good show lol Melli is kinda where i wanna connect it more to the existing hazbin characters/storyline. Because this is lowkey more of a crossover. He accidentally becomes charlie's new pet project which no one is a fan of 😂 melli did not volunteer for this at all but his character arc is learning to make friends and care about other people after pushing people away for so long because he's a huge ball of self-hatred. He's kinda perfect for the "i can fix him" thing the hotel is all about. SO he's stuck learning to become a better person and being the narrative connection back to the core of the actual show lmao. Not sure if they ever even stay at the hotel. Maybe ingo and melli could flip flop between sneasler's place and the hotel. They dont actually have places of their own so its one or the other. In terms of intra character interactions i think its like this (this is prolly set post-s1 so no sir pentious): Charlie: thinks ingo is nice, wants to fix melli and is working with ingo to do this. Her relationship w sneasler is similar to rosie in my head. Alastor: finds Ingo somewhat threatening because Ingo can read him like a book. would otherwise find him pleasant but because he has a hard time keeping up his mysterious scary image around him he avoids him if possible. Ingo really likes him because "he reminds him of someone but he cant put a finger on it", will teleport away if melli is in the vicinity, finds sneasler charming. would gossip with her 10/10. When emmet shows up they try to kill each other which is entirely unsurprising. Everyone else in the hotel is more or less "theres something not right about that ingo guy but he's nice enough i guess", "FUCK melli get him OUT OF HERE", and "lady sneasler is chill" and when emmet shows up theyre just like "oh this explains why he likes alastor so much. Now theres TWO OF THEM." I would like to develop the other character's opinions on the situation more but this is getting. so so long. misc other character stuff: 

Lady sneasler still has sneasels, usually 3 of them. they just have tiny wings and horns but otherwise look like regular sneasels. No clue what their deal is they just exist. 

Rosie and Sneasler get along great. they are kinda similar but fill different power-niches in hell. 

Rosie finds ingo SO charming. She loves his odd vintage flair despite literally dying like. in the 2020s lol. He's very popular in cannibal town because he's a train freak and edwardians love trains. He takes the cute edwardian cannibal kiddies on train rides.

im not really sure what goes on with emmet in this au i just know he's having a shit time of it and eventually finds ingo. I havent decided if he actually falls or just leaves heaven because it sucks and no one cares enough to stop him. Also only slightly related but i actually have a voice-canon for him which is will wood which works great for this au lmao. Also emmet plays killer jazz piano and alastor is so mad about it because its actually good.

emmet and alastor dont really have all that much in common besides the smile thing but its just enough for them to beef over it. really its a similar feud as alastor and lucifer, alastor sees emmet as a threat both because of his power and the smile thing and emmet doesnt like that ingo is following alastor around like a lost puppy. emmet is def way less mysterious, he's just pissed that his brother is suffering even if ingo doesnt seem to notice his own problems.

volo doesnt really come back up in this au because he's still alive. just imagine that akari is kicking his ass in the living world or something lmao. 

i cant decide if pokemon exist in this universe. It would be funny tho to have chandelure exist in a world where souls are like whole ass people who can die for a second time. worlds nicest guy's pet lamp eats people until theyre perma-dead for breakfast.

Elesa (and probably also drayden and iris depening on your headcanons) are very sad :( i like emmet/elesa so it makes it extra hard on elesa tho. there is no solution for this.

not sure what the arceus situation is here. hazbin as far as i know doesnt have a canon god design so for all we know god could be a dumbass llama i guess. its doesnt really matter besides stylizing volo's ritual

[mihai-florescu]

enstars analyses uhmmm i think we should spend more time talking about what dreams mean to characters ^^ it is In The Name. but i mostly think about how ritsu's issues with emotional dependency and wilfulness, all this stuff where he plays up his emotionality (??) are both result of and like an.. acting out of ... trauma from being u know. a chronically ill kid. with an absent family? and literally like two people who would visit him? and the isolation he would understandably feel; and the dependence he would have on those only points of connection--and he can't control those--i think it's interesting and i love ritsu. it's like, sometimes he acts like he chose to be how he is but a lot of it is out of his hands. hi i hope the rest of ur day goes well :>

Disclaimer post writing an answer, my mind drifted away while writing and i ended up just kinda Pondering and Rambling. Im sorry if it seems a bit scattered and all over the place, that's my mind rn. Ok, let's see what i actually said now.

Sometimes i think about how the war wouldnt have played out the same had rei never left ritsu to try to find doctors and cures for him (which led to breaking the promise of staying with ritsu that ultimately changed everything in their relationship forever). I wonder if rei would have ever even been in the cemetary and met keito had he just stayed to take care of ritsu. I also wonder if keito and rei would ever bond about having someone dear to them be sick. And had rei stayed, ritsu wouldnt have been upset and willing to give eichi advice on how to take him down. Would there had even been a war if Keito hadnt met Rei, or if the student council hadnt figured out how to send rei away. Would rei even be a protagonist if he hadnt left ritsu, if he had just stayed home in obscurity as well (i dont think so, and the story is built on the existence of these extraordinary characters, by the characters who arent, but are willing to make their way into the narrative nevertheless and achieve their dreams) One action's ripple effects etcetc.

Sorry i realise this was got way off topic from your original ask. I think i will continue to be off topic because i cant stop the train of thought ive embarked upon at this tardy post midnight time. I think eichi and ritsu are an underrated duo... they helped each other take steps towards their dreams afterall. During checkmate eichi giving a harsh wakeup call to ritsu in regard to being in his brother's shadow unless he does something himself to prove he's alive (top 10 eichi mean moments where he's also projecting onto the other person his own issues... not that he was wrong, but still). And in black tea, ritsu advising eichi on the war preparations during tea club (a serene setting in what was otherwise a hellish place, a piece of an everyday normal students life, which eichi craved so much his whole life. And ritsu also needed the club, interacting with new people, let alone another chronically ill kid).

Im thinking about your last sentence and how ritsu clung to the vampire persona the family adopted, the way to cope with the hereditary disability. As opposed to rei who changed his persona and struggled with the way he was perceived as a monster, when he was a human just as much as everyone else and tried to ignore his disability even? I dont think ignore is the best word. Downplay. It was always the acknowledgement that ritsu had it worse, despite the fact that rei also had it, he was looking for a cure for ritsu instead. First instance and development of his habit of helping people when they dont necessarily even ask for it. But yes anyway millions of tangents aside, ritsu clinging on to the vampire persona tighter and more consistently in his character, as a coping mechanism with a condition he didnt ask for, that is outside his hands. The one thing that was in his power was choosing to play into the vampire persona.

I havent even touched on mao... to be fair i dont think im the most qualified person to speak on him, or his relationship with ritsu. I am still figuring out my thoughts on them. Im glad they grew to find their own dreams in yumenosaki (heh), in the same realm, but not tied to each other where it gets suffocating.

I wouldnt call anything i said analysis as i wouldve probably ordered things better and had, well, an actual point, but i hope my stream of conciousness was as fun for you to read as it was for me to just think and type

[prtfrmhrtbrn]

im ill and incapable of real genuine human thought so im just going to talk about one of my favourite drafts that im working on and its this

-regulus & evan fake dating, ft aromantic regulus, endgame rosewater qpp AND endgame rosekiller.

-yeah im hitting evan with the polyamory beam. ITS CALLED PROJECTING!!

anyway its one of my favourite things in my google docs. some fun facts about it:

•barty & evan BOTH already like each other. evan also knows barty likes him back but thinks hes too much of a coward to say anything and his first thought is “okay, i’ll fake date somebody about this”

•oh and also regulus is just like “i mean alright i guess”

•regulus tells barty immediately. hes like “honest to god get your shit together” and barty is like “literally why would you do this” and regulus is like “i thought it would be funny”:

•you guys are all ALWAYS forgetting that if sirius pretty much raised regulus HES GOING TO ACT LIKE A TWAT SOMETIMES i love regulus being an absolute menace

•qpr. thats all i need to say. as a member of a qpr it is one of my all time favourite relationships in my life and i think not enough people write them. i ALSO think not enough people write aro characters as capable of emotion!! 90% of the time (in my experience!!) theyre just aro because the author couldnt think of a pairing for them and they felt bad. so anyway i changed that for this fic. and also in like… 3 other fics in my drafts. i love being in a qpr im in a qpr hey did i mention im in a qpr this post goes out to my beloved partner even though they will never see it

•sirius. sirius. sirius. i dont know WHAT it is about the black brothers but every single time i write ANY fic with either of them in they end up talking to each other. i cant stop them. im just writing and they say “we want to reconcile” and i say “that wasnt one of my plot points…?” but its too late! theyre already talking!

•regulus being SUPREMELY confused when he realises he likes evan <3 with the focus on the fact that he can still like him without it being romantic!! he has no idea what a qpr is but he’ll get there

•regulus GOES TO SIRIUS FOR HELP!! and sirius is like “ok i will help you” and regulus is like “what why” and sirius is like “do you want help or not tbh”

•but also regulus is like “ok so i have a fake boyfriend” and sirius is like “you fucking what”:

•the segment with sirius features a LOT of complaints from regulus (that part is his pov! it changes throughout between barty, reg & evan though) about the red of the gryffindor dorms. he is so upset by them:

•barty immediately notices when regulus accidentally catches feelings. hes like “…you thought this would be funny but it went like normal fake dating didnt it” and regulus gives him a very sad looking nod and says “i wont stop you dating him i still dont know what it is” and barty is like “getting over evan is too much work and id know, if he wants us both he can bloody well just have us both”

•spoiler alert for the fact that he does <3

-anyway. not much of this is written but i just wanted to talk about it! my dear best friend and the platonic loml is anti reg/evan (she could never get me) so… tumblr has to hear about it instead!

-oh also my fake dating experience is based in a little too much truth about my life (i did it) (its how i got with my partner) so! you know. you can trust the authenticity?

-thats all. i needed to get this out of my SYSTEM but it might end up on ao3 <3 anyways if youre a rosewater-er my ao3 is SUCH a safe place for you. my marauders pseud is hellenistic & my main is apartfromheartburn (but dont go there because its all anime fics i wrote 3 years ago) so my marauders fics can as such be found under hellenistic (apartfromheartburn). id link them but also i have a headache that will kill me if i stare at my phone acreen any longer so! thats not happening. end of this post! bye bye <3

[timeoverload]

I'm sorry everyone. I want to apologize to Maxwell and my Dad especially. I guess I got triggered and I know that no one was intentionally trying to upset me. I think I was being overly dramatic and I was having an episode again.

Yesterday was a really bad mental health day for me. My doctor basically confirmed I have PCOS and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I know it's very common but I wish I would have known that a long time ago. I've been having a flare up for a while because I'm so stressed out and I don't know how to manage it. I'm trying so hard and nothing is helping right now. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I want to stop having so many health problems and I have so many things wrong with me. It is just getting so difficult to deal with on my own. I'm just such a mess and I want to be normal.

I've been feeling like a caged and wounded animal. I know I can be a monster sometimes. I've been in a rage lately and I've been trying to suppress it but I just exploded. I've been too depressed to do the things I enjoy. I didn't eat enough yesterday because I haven't had much of an appetite. I can't remember the last time I got a hug from anyone. I'm just really lonely. I haven't been feeling like myself and I've been very sensitive. I know that's not an excuse to act like that. I don't want to act like that because that's not who I am. I hope you understand.

Honestly I haven't increased my lamotrigine yet because I wanted to finish the bottle I had. I didn't want to waste it and maybe I shouldn't have done that. I think I should have increased it right away instead of waiting. I technically have 4 days left and then I would be increasing from 150mg to 200mg on Tuesday. If I start to feel really bad again, I will just start the new bottle early. I'm debating whether I should just do it tonight because yesterday was really bad. I don't want to feel like that again. I don't want to have another episode.

I'm sorry to my mutuals on tumblr who read my personal posts. I don't blame you for not wanting to interact with me but thank you for not blocking me. I know you all probably think I'm just on here talking to myself but I'm not. It's not all in my head. This is currently the only way I can communicate with certain people. It's a long story and I know I won't have to do this forever. I'm not trying to be annoying. I know I've said a lot of things that I shouldn't say on the internet. I know it's probably very confusing to a lot of you and you're probably wondering why I'm doing that. I think it will all make sense in the future. I may be mentally ill but I don't have schizophrenia like my mom so I don't want anyone to think that.

I do think I need to stay home today. I need time to ground myself more. I don't want to act crazy again. I'm ashamed. I hate acting like that and I am mad at myself. I will do my best to be better. I know everything will be ok and I just need to try to stop worrying so much. I'm sorry again. Thank you all for listening to me and putting up with me when I'm out of control. I love you all. 💖💖💖

[pixelkip]

Ok serious post time. I don't like making posts like this but it's kind of a few months coming.

Hey guys so. I might start posting most of my hazy stuff exclusively to tumblr as much as I hate to say it. This isn't for sure that I'm never interacting there again but. Probably not touching it mostly

Just 1 or 2 people in the discord community I feel like. Mega fucking uncomfortable around for stuff that, while it's been mostly resolved I guess, still was super upsetting at the time and has caused me a lot of anxiety seeing them around again to the point of it being a serious detriment to my mental health.

Especially cause hazy river is still kind of a big hyperfixation to me and has honestly affected me so much. I'm deeply attached to it and that's not changing. That discord community too has been a huge part of my life for over a year now and I wish I didn't feel like I had to stop interacting with it for the sake of my own health, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that I do.

The thing is I don't WANT to care that someone who makes me uncomfortable is back in a space I'm in. I'd rather just accept it and ignore it and continue interacting there as normal. That's what I've been telling myself is the mature thing to do and its what ive been trying to do for a while. But my anxiety doesn't seem to agree on that front. Not just in a "ew I don't like them" way but in a causing me actual panic attacks way.

I'm very open to anyone asking what this is about and why i feel like this, I'd be glad to tell you IN TUMBLR/DISCORD DMS NOT PUBLICLY, but I wanna say a few things first

-youre free to do with this information what you wish, but I take no responsibility for anything YOU do with what I tell you.

- preferably don't start drama PLEASE. If you know who im talking about or if you even think you know, don't. Start. shit. Even if you ask me and I tell you. Don't. Start. Shit.

- UNLESS you have a good reason like theyre actively doing something shitty, don't put anyone this is about/might be about on blast publicly. I would prefer people truly learn from their mistakes. And if that somehow does happen, idfk take it up with that community's mods

- I'm not shaming anyone who is friends with or interacts with anyone I'm referring to. As long as you don't cross my boundaries, and you dont encourage/defend what they did if I tell you, and you dont try to let them contact me, or generally try to get them involved with me I don't care.

- don't contact anyone else that might be involved about it either. I might be ok telling people how I feel about this but others might not. I don't wanna be the reason anyone gets pestered over something shitty that happened to them.

- if you are reading this on my tumblr dot com, I assure you it's almost definitely not you I'm talking about whose the reason I'm making this decision.

Ok finally here's the part where I'm gonna be pretty blunt:

If you do contact me cause you wanna know why I feel this way, I apologize in advance if it makes you uncomfortable around someone you may have interacted with. Cause if you ask, I'm telling you. No sugar coating, no "but it's ok" for any reason. Me still not fully having healed over what happened doesnt mean i wish anyone involved any ill will. But I'm not gonna pretend I wanna be amicable or friendly with or even forgive who did this either. Wanting to move on =/= forgiving. If you insist on defending what they did while I'm actively telling you why it hurt me, that's just rude. And I will probably block you.

Block button is at the ready and I claim 0 responsibility for hurt feelings or possibly viewing ur mutual differently as a result.

TLDR: I'm probably fucking off from most of hazy discord bc I'm deeply uncomfy around someone who came back there some time ago, feel free to dm me and ask about it cause telling people why honestly makes me feel less alone about it, but please please don't start drama and don't think I'm responsible for anything that happens as a result of me telling you what someone did that caused me a lot of pain.

Sorry for the long serious post, I'm hoping to be able to do more fun stuff in the future.

In the wise words of the queen ass 2 over herself, thank you (for listening) and I love you.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW a vent maybe? Maybe abuse definitely messy family shit

I feel like my family is abusive. Which is. Weird ig, because it's not physical. The most "physical" it's ever been was lol when I was little and got my mouth washed out with soap all the time for sticking out my tongue. Nothing violent ever happened. Its just words. Words that don't count bc we're "family". Nothing ever matters when it happens to me tho. It's always just something I need to handle by myself. I have to " stop being so sensitive" or "stop fighting back" or "learn to be quiet"... It doesn't count bc it's my siblings or its my parents...that's shit you're supposed to work out on your own. Everyone has family issues so I figure everyone else must be this miserable too.

But I get so tired. I figure ok I'm not made for this life, yknow? I'm too sensitive, so its on me. But I don't like being constantly put down, I don't like it when I voice a boundary and instead of people listeningz they think "oh shoot a new way to hurt this person's feelings! Yay" and not only do they get encouraged for that but I get in trouble for being upset. I don't like being bullied by siblings or by my dad and I don't like how I'm a nuisance to my mom if I complain or fight back when they do it but I'm also nothing more to her than someone to vent to. I don't like that I'm the black sheep of the family. I don't like that I keep getting told that if I'm the only one upset or the only one really hurt, then what happened didn't matter. Bc it's a "majority rules" house and I've never been part of the majority. I feel like I've never been home and I'm so sick of wishing I could be. I don't want to call what I'm going through abusive bc 1. That's scary and 2. I could be wrong and just be another kid getting up in arms over shit that doesn't really matter bc it happens to everyone. Even though I don't even believe kids like that are really running around all the time lol and I'm also an adult. So. Yeah. But I really, really wish someone would just toss me some advice or tell me I'm not just a fucking wimp or say "what's happening is fucked"-I want someone to say " that isn't normal" or SOMETHING. I want help. I want someone to give af. I wanna hear that I'm in a bad situation and someday, Ill find a home. I don't know how to explain it but I just want whatever anyone can offer. If you just post this as a vent and nothing else, that's fine too, I guess I'm just grasping at straws and I'll take anything at this point

-Luci

Hi Luci,

I'm sorry about what you've been through. You don't deserve to go through this. You're right that these things aren't normal.

While I know that a lot of people have experienced soap in the mouth as punishment, it's actually not okay and there are better ways to discipline. Plus, it sounds like unusually cruel punishment for just sticking out your tongue.

Please remember that abuse doesn't have to be physical to be valid, and it doesn't have to be physical to be violent either. Also please remember that abusers are more likely to be people you know, such as family, so being family isn't really an excuse for doing hurtful and traumatizing things. Verbal and emotional abuse are real, and it can absolutely happen within families.

I know you've been told a lot that you're too sensitive and such, but you're really reacting in an expected way because it's expected to cry out if you're hurt. I feel like someone who says "you're too sensitive" is only trying to be hurtful, because they should be more mindful of how that may affect you.

As far as calling it abusive, it's completely up to you how you label or describe your experiences, but it may be helpful to imagine it in a different way. Let's say I'm living in a house with some housemates, and they tell me to stop fighting back, that I'm too sensitive, and to learn to be quiet. They constantly say degrading things to me and violate my boundaries, and they justify it because we're friends. I'm always the scapegoat and when we have meetings they all vote for things I don't agree on. Is this abusive? The answer may be clearer to you. Ultimately, it isn't right. Whether or not you want to call it abusive is completely up to you.

I hope that you can reach a place soon where you could maybe limit some contact with them so they can not only potentially realize the gravity of their actions but you can improve your mental health. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[cubedmango]

I’m so upset about the tags :(( like we’re going to have to scroll back ages to find any content for cm how hard was it to just call it something else… and you’re so right while I was watching I felt as though it was missing something? Like ignoring how pissed off it made me to see /him/ playing one of my favourite characters ever it just didn’t feel like cherry magic should to me there wasn’t that sweet unique loving silliness about it… the casting apart from him is good I agree but even that lift scene seeing him try and fail to embody that adachi-like nervousness when karan falls on him just killed me I can’t I wish I could go about my life in peace without being reminded about this GOD

the name thing wouldnt be so bad normally bc usually adaptations of a thing do have the same name as the thing but theres such a massive flood of new people coming in doing their own thing and tagging every unrelated fucking post w the shows tags and its just So Goddamed Annoying like im here to look for news and fan content not stuff abt the actors that has nothing to do w the show stop !!!! augh. cant stand these people

i was so ready to reluctantly be like "ok that guy sucks but his acting is fine for the role" but i reaalllly dont think he fits tbh ??? probs not fair to compare him to akasos portrayal since its not based on that but even going off how adachi acts in the manga i rlly couldnt see many similarities mannerism-wise so idk .? we didnt see any bits of achi and karan properly talking pre-relationship either (only staring at each other for like 5 unique snippets which. sure! chemistry or whatever!!) and that last scene is nothing like how it goes in vol 7 so im not rlly sure what to think lol. but i did appreciate how karans actor voices his thoughts it was very kurosawa-esque no issues there dkjksjg anyway not sure why im thinking abt this so hard when i have no intention of watching the thing so ill shut up now

[captainlevisteacup]

Oooh, an idea has struck. The brothers reacting to Dom Male!MC reuniting with his childhood bestfriend in the Devildom, only their bestfriend is now a high ranking/powerful incubus who has a fuck ton of influence & money. (Not nearly as powerful as any of the brothers or Diavolo, of course, but you get the point)

And while normally a simple childhood friend wouldn’t be enough to bother the brothers, DM!MC’s Femboy CH!Bestfriend is the optimum of gorgeous, with a lithe & toned body and an “innocent” charm to him.

Spoiler Alert, CH!Bestfriend has been in love with DM!MC since they were kids (though it was just puppy love back then) and is determined to never let him get away from him again, resulting in him being extra clingy and needy.

Another Spoiler Alert, DM!MC’s childhood bestfriend may or may not be a mix of a “Worship” & “Self Sacrifice” Yandere.. (Look up “The Dere Types Wiki” if your confused)

You have some very interesting ideas😂 im so sorry this took so long, I didn't want to post it until I was back up to my full working capacity after getting injured and after breaking up with someone😁

Anyways, without further ado, here ya go😘

The Brother's Reactions to M! MC'S Yandere Childhood Incubus! Friend

Warnings: Violence, Language, Blood, VERY SLIGHT sexual themes, some non-consentual touching in Levi's section, brief mention of drugging in Beel's

Lucifer

At first, didn't think twice of MC having a childhood friend

But when he heard the word incubus

He got the smile on his face

You know the one

Lucifer "innocently" is around whenever the incubus is around

Its starts off small

Little poisoned glances from the incubus here and there

But eventually it escalated and turned into him putting a possessive arm around MC's waist

Lucifer snapped

The second the Incubus was alone, Lucifer followed him down an alley

Slammed that fucker against the wall and held him there by the throat

The incubus started laughing, even when Lucifer tightened his grip

"You'll never get rid of me. I have connections to everyone, Fallen Angel. I've loved him since before you even knew he existed, and a prissy peacock like you isnt gonna stop me from making him mine, even if I have to drug and kidnap him"

Lucifer only smiled and released him

The incubus smirked, daintily dusting off his lithe figure

Thinking he won, he shouldered his way past Lucifer

Only to stop short in horror

Deep growls greeted him

Lucifer didn't even bother hiding the screams of the incubus as Cerberus ripped into him

After a while, he signaled Cerberus to stop

As the incubus lies on the ground whimpering, Lucifer calmly says:

"Now that I've shown you just what I'm willing to do to protect MC, I'll make you a deal. MC cares about you, as a FRIEND. But his heart belongs to me and me alone, and mine belongs to him. If you can understand and respect that, I'll allow you near him. But one wrong word, one wrong placement of a hand, and I won't hesitate to finish you off myself. And believe me," he says with a dark chuckle "I won't be as gentle as Cerberus."

Mammon

This man immediately is on high alert

Someone trying to take what's HIS?

The incubus makes him more greedy than ever

Decides not to leave MC's side for a second

Even when he's sleeping

When Mammon can't help the incu-bitch (his nickname for the childhood friend) being around, he acts sort of like a child, which makes him look like a dick in comparison to the incubus's calm and innocent facade

Mammon tries to tell MC there's something up, but he just chalks it up to Mammon being Mammon

One day, MC randomly receives news from the human world that his mother contracted something contagious and was placed in ICU

The incu-bitch was, of course, right there when MC started tearing up, letting him cry into his shoulder

Mammon sees this and starts to protest

This leads MC to snap and tell Mammon he's being a child

Mammon leaves them be and thinks hard

Comes to the conclusion that maybe MC is right, and he begrudgingly decides to apologize to the incubus

As he approaches him, Mammon catches a glimpse of the Incubus's *expensive* phone

Unable to resist, he throws a coin against the wall in the opposite direction.

When he turns to look at the noise, Mammon snatches the phone and yeets off to his room

When he gets there, he opens the phone- no lock- and is startled by what he sees

A fake texting app, along with the messages telling MC his mother was sick

Mammon was about to run to find MC, when he heard a slight chuckle

Looking up, he saw the incubus...holding a knife

"You just couldn't stay away, could you? You've been a pain in the ass ever since I got here. But no matter, once MC sees how *cruel* you are to his defenseless childhood friend, he'll want nothing to do with you. And he'll be mine to fuck and own as I please."

Mammon gritted his teeth and ground out "Making MC think his mother was gravely ill just to get close to him when he's vulnerable? You're disgusting. I actually care about MC, and I respect them more than you ever will."

The incubus snorted, and raised the knife.

"Oi! What do ya think you're doing with that?" Mammon yelled

He raised the knife....and slashed it across his own arm

He then threw the knife towards Mammon, threw himself to the ground, and yelled out in pain

Suddenly, MC burst into the room

Mammon sputtered out a panicked explanation, but MC cut him off with a stare

He kneeled down next to his friend, who reached up with a bloody hand to cup MC'S face

MC put his hand over the incubus's....and sharply bent it backwards

He leaned down and whispered into his ear: "I heard everything, you little shit. Now, get the FUCK out of my house and away from my boyfriend, and don't even THINK of defiling my life with your presence ever again"

After he left, Mammon cautiously said "boyfriend, huh..?"

"Shut up mammon"

Levi

Oh, this won't do

Immediately feels threatened and triggered

He is the avatar of Envy, after all

His response?

Prove to MC nobody can know him as well as he can

He does this every single time the incubus is near

"MC, I got you your favorite drink!"

"MC, I ordered you some food. Don't worry, I already know what you like"

Flinches whenever the incu-bitch touches MC. It literally makes him cringe

His suspicions are confirmed when the incubus shoots Levi a malicious glance next time he touches MC

Levi snaps

Challenges the incubus to a video game duel

He surprisingly accepts

He cheats like hell and beats Levi

Levi goes into his demon form and rages

But MC thinks he's just being a sore loser

He tells Levi to back off and to go cool down

Once Levi storms off, the incu-bitch thanks MC for standing up for him

Then, he promptly tries to make a move on MC

He reaches out a hand to unbutton MC'S shirt

MC slaps his hand away, but not before noticing writing on the Incubus's hand

Before he can pull away, MC snatches his hand and sees cheat codes written on them

Gets super upset and tries to get up to apologize to Levi

The incubus pulls him back down by his wrist and pins them to the couch

"MC, don't you realize? You're all I want, all I need. I WORSHIP you, MC. And you're going to be mine. Nobody else can have you. And you're going to love me, whether you realize it right now or not. You'll learn with time to need me just as desperately as I need you"

Starts to take off MC'S clothes in spite of their fighting and protests, the incubus shushing him

"Shhhh, I know you don't see it, but this will make you see."

Levi slams open the door, tail lashing and face white with rage

"Get your normie hands the fuck off of my human. Now."

The incubus nopes the fuck out. He may be a high ranking incubus, but he still isn't as strong as one of the seven demon brothers.

Levi holds MC tightly as they fumble over an apology

"Shhh MC, its okay. I'm here now. Let's watch some anime and calm down together, yea?"

Satan

Do I even have to explain this one?

Is hostile as soon as MC even MENTIONS a childhood male friend, let alone an INCUBUS

Honestly, the Incubus is a bit scared of Satan

But, he decides he wants MC more than he fears Satan

So, he swallows his fear and patronizes Satan in tiny, unremarkable ways

Ways that would only be noticed by Satan

A stray hand here and there that lingers a LITTLE too long

Wiping a crumb from MC'S lips during a meal

Tucking a stray hair behind MC'S ear

Every last one of these actions makes his blood boil

It gets so bad that Satan is just in a perpetual state of rage, never leaving his demon form

Satan starts passive aggressively insulting the incubus's intelligence

"Oh, you mean you don't know how disestablishmentarianism impacted the overall congruence of Midwest society? Thats odd, its fairly simple. Practically common sense."

Is shocked when MC got livid at him, because he was being condescending for seemingly no reason

Starts to get angry at MC

"Can't you see? He's trying to turn you against me. Just LISTEN, DAMNIT!" He says as he grabs MC'S shoulders

The incubus barges in and shoves Satan away from MC

"Are you ok, MC? Did he hurt you?"

The amount of white hot rage in the room was tangible

He can't do it anymore

Slams the incubus against the wall

Knocks him to the ground

But when he falls down

A bunch of photos fall out of his jacket

Not normal photos

Horrifying ones

One of MC while he showers

One of MC sleeping

One of MC changing

Even one of MC and Satan having a steamy moment

MC goes still...and then SLAPS the shit out of the incubus.

He wordlessly turns to Satan, eyes pleading

"It would be my pleasure, MC" *evil grin*

Cue Satan dragging the incubus off by his hair

Asmo

P A S S I V E A G R E S S I V E

He sees this lovely incubus with NEARLY perfect hair, a lithe and toned body, and a seemingly innocent attitude, and he just wants him gone

He's been with plenty of Incubi, so he knows what they're like

Because of this, he doesn't want this one anywhere NEAR his darling MC

Comes up with a plan to use all his fashion design connections to outdress the incubus

He knows they're vain by nature, so he comes to the conclusion that this is the best course of action

But there's a problem

"Is that a statement piece from Priya Lacroix? She hasn't even released her collection yet"

Asmo.exe is not responding

He knows that HE is the only one Priya would ever give an early release to

So why does THE INCUBUS have her statement piece?

And WHERE is his phone?

Complains to MC, but MC doesn't take him seriously because he's too busy catching up with his friend

Asmo gets jealous and storms off to do a stress relieving skin routine

As MC and the incubus hang out, the incubus's phone goes off

Only...the ringtone is sinful indulgence

Mammon storms into the room

"AHA! I FOUND YA ASMO, YOU ANNOYING LITTLE- huh?"

"I/N? Why do you have Asmo's phone?"

"MC, you have to understand, I just want you to realize I'm the only right one for you. You NEED to realize you can't be with anyone else. Because you're mine, MC. You always have been."

Screeching could be heard in the distance, then footsteps quickly getting closer and closer

"THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY" Asmo yells as he slams open the door

"As if MC would choose a crusty, obsessive, STEALING, lying, probably STD having Incubus like you over me! Now give me my phone back and get out of here. And while you're at it, take off that Priya piece. There's a reason I'm the only one allowed early access."

Beel

Honestly doesn't think that much of it at first

He thinks its nice MC reunited with one of his childhood friends, and an Incubus at that

But when he meets the friend, something just feels off

He gets a weird sensation, and its not hunger

Its like his senses are on red alert

The incubus was nice enough to Beel, seemingly charming and genuine

But Beel couldn't help but feel rubbed the wrong way, with a sensation similar to seaweed against legs in the ocean

He doesn't want to mention this to MC, because he's convinced he's just overreacting

He feels a little sad that MC is too busy for him, but he does his best to give them time together

One night, he had made some food in the kitchen and decided to bring MC and I/N some

When he neared the door, he almost dropped the plate

He heard a loud thud, and MC saying "Hey, I said no, okay?"

He gently opened the door and looked at MC, who immediately forced a smile to his face

"Hey MC, I brought you guys some food. Is everything ok?"

"Thanks Beel, that's sweet of you. Everything's fine, I promise"

Beel relaxed a bit, although he still knew something was off.

The incubus excused himself to use the restroom, encouraging MC to eat without him

Beel and MC sat down, and Beel scarfed down his portion

Chuckling, MC offered his plate to Beel, who gladly accepted

The incubus opened the door shortly after with an expectant look on his face, as well as rope and a gag in his hands

Upon laying eyes on MC, a shocked expression came onto his face as his eyes darted between MC and the empty plate

"How are you still conscious?" He blurted

Confusion flashed across MC'S face. "What do you mean, I/N?"

"You drugged it, didn't you?" Beel spoke up.

"I thought it tasted odd," Beel continued "but I never would have guessed you would actually drug MC. I'm guessing you couldn't handle that MC rejected your advances, so you drugged the food while MC was distracted talking to me. Am I right?"

The incubus chuckled. "Guess I was wrong about you. You are more of a threat than you seem. Heh, I guess you're not just a talking stomach after all."

A loud smack could be heard shortly thereafter.

But the devastating blow didn't come from Beel

It came from an enraged MC

"Trying to drug me I could keep my cool over. If thats all you did I would have just told you to stay the hell away from me. But the SECOND you spoke to Beel like that, you signed your own death warrant."

Before he could react, MC summoned the brothers one by one, Beel explaining the situation.

"Well, MC, perfect timing as always. I was just beginning to get bored" Satan drawled

*screams*

Belphie

It takes a yandere to know one

Belphie doesn't want to alarm MC though, so he decides to outmaneuver the incubus without him noticing

It starts small, with I/N reaching out to put an arm over MC'S shoulder, and Belphie's arm already being there

Eventually, they start glaring daggers at each other the second MC looks away

After a while, Belphie decides to up the ante

Religiously falls asleep on MC when I/N is trying to spend time with him

Goads the incubus so much that he corners Belphie when he snaps and can't take any more

"Listen, I know exactly what you're doing. But if you think that YOU can take him away from me, you're sorely mistaken. MC is mine whether he likes it or not. And if it turns out to be the latter, well, let's just say he won't have much of a choice in the matter, nor will you have any control over it. Got that?"

Belphie does the one thing he knows will get the outcome he had painstakingly built up to the past couple weeks: he laughs

"Ah, you have a good sense of humor, know that? Funny stuff. All kidding aside, MC already belongs to me. So your child's play isn't gonna cut it. Got THAT?"

With a choked cry of fury, the incubus pulls out a knife and stabs Belphie

Belphie, having planned this, falls to the floor just as the door opens to reveal a shocked MC.

"BELPHIE! Shit, please be okay! What the FUCK is wrong with you, I/N?"

The stunned Incubus could only stammer out a couple words

"I- he...was gonna...tried to take what was mine. Tried to take you..."

MC laughed bitterly and shoved him to the floor.

"I don't know what sick world you're living in, but I belong to Belphie. I love him. And I hate YOU. Now I'll leave you be so you can deal with THAT. Ta ta." He says as he scoops up Belphie and heads out the door

"Deal with what?" I/N nervously asks after him, backing up warily

The incubus stops when his back hits something hard.

Gulping, he looks up...

"Hello, I/N, I'm Beel."

"Nice to...meet you? I imagine you're one of the brothers?" He replies shakily

Beel smiles. The light doesn't reach his eyes.

"Yes, I'm one of the brothers. You see, I'm Belphie's twin."

Across the house, Belphie smiles at the faint screams, MC curled up next to him after patching him up.

He succeeded in protecting what was his. He deserves a good nap. Holding MC tighter, he goes back to sleep.

[volfoss]

how about ranking bucciarati's team?

regret to inform you that ur gonna get a very long answer bc i have passionate feelings about them all! also trish is in this bc she is part of the team and no one will tell me otherwise and will also include some rambling bc it is me and i have so many feelings towards these characters and none of them r cohesive

under the cut just in case (post writing yes it was long)

Giorno Giovanna:

way way more complex than ppl normally give him credit for (i will not go into feelings on how a majority of the fandom treats him unless ppl want me to then i will in fact make a very long ranty post and will not be stopped)

mildly op (esp at the beginning with how hes kind of able to just use his stand really well w no problems altho i think thats true of most of the jojos that we have seen animated?)

i am emotionally attached to him and want to give him a big hug

hes just a kinda goofy kid and is maybe a bit not good with figuring out hey this is a semi dangerous situation maybe i shouldnt be taunting him (leaky eye luca for example)

has the actual best theme

i love how he works off the rest of the team so well (even w members who do not like him)

is in my top 3 jojos i love this kid sm i would adopt him if he was real

7/10

Bruno Bucciarati:

the fucking way his character develops from licky man to best dad material is my favorite thing

his outfit is so so so good i would die to wear it

in general this man is one of my fave jojos characters and i get a lot of comfort from him

hes just really neat and has a good taste in music

he did his fucking best and i will always love him for that

imo the way that his death was drawn out was genuinely one of the most heartbreaking deaths in the entire series and fucks me up each time i think of it

i feel like he really is the one to hold the team together in a way that everyone feels cared for and saved

def has a savior complex tho for sure

dilf but im ace

also manga superiority bc he either makes the stupidest faces or looks very nice (anime has a lot of weird animation in regards to his face) and also because its lingerie there instead of a tattoo that changes thickness and placement every second

10/10

Leone Abbacchio:

guilty pleasure liking man

i am obsessed with his vibes and wish to become him

i cannot physically express just how much i love him but hes one of my faves of all time (not obvious by my theme at all wdym)

i miss his manga palette but also the colored manga isnt my beloved but also black lipstick abba

hot take maybe but anime abba looks better than manga minus the lipstick debacle

hes so so tall and i will steal his height in a nice way

his past man his past it fucks me up

his death fucks me up normally but when i was rewatching recently, i saw he gave this tiny lil smile after helping the kids get their ball and i could not take it anymore

him and brunos relationship (canonically and out of canon too) is one of my favorites in the series

also fandom hot take as i guess i am doing those for everyone- but ppl either have him as cosntantly trying to murder giorno or being like good son and v out of character, and it is really weird? not sayign that ill do better when i write them but also like im convinced some ppl havent seen the show or smth

i will steal both him and bruno and marry them both <3

this man is beloved i love him to death

10/10

Pannacotta Fugo:

i cannot spell his first name to save my life

also fandom take- ppl make him constantly only angry boy all the time and it really irks me. ik araki did not give him 2 much to work w in terms of canon personality but its frustrating

the light novel purple haze feedback is so so so good and adds sm to his character and i really like it for that!

fugo is one of those that imo deserves a lot and didnt get that

genuinely the vibes between how he treats narancia is v interesting to me, like its clear he cares about nara but nara not doing great w math really frustrates him

i love their interactions and how he is genuinely a kind person at times

the manga colors r superior here, my strawberry boy <3

i just really love and appreciate him a lot and wish that ppl gave him more love

i keep getting assigned him on kin quizzes

very smart good boy

ALSO ok fugo did not do any wrong by leaving

unsure if thats a hot take but i genuinely dont blame the character one bit for leaving and again purple haze feedback really delves into that and why he did it

if ur a fugo fan go read it

his past is really upsetting esp in the anime i will cry over it

his stand is adorable and i wanna hug it

his vibes r fun and i wanna gift him strawberry dangly earrings

8/10

Narancia Ghirga:

this boy i am also adopting (i am adopting most of them sorry)

i really hate how ppl act as if hes stupid bc bad math skills do not equal stupid like did ppl not see the fight w formaggio??

the way he just fucking dove into the water after the boat and how brunos face went all soft and happy it will never not make me cry

he is constnatnly making me wanna cry if i think too much about him for 2 seconds i love him sm

how can anyone not adore him when he set an entire street on fire yk

hes just happy despite his past and it makes me sad i love nara sm

torture dance is one of my favorite memes from the show

ALSO ok the way he died so suddenly absolutely broke me bc the remaining team members r really just seeing everyone die in front of them so quickly

his goofy and laid back moments r my fave

i love just how loyal and caring he is to his friends

his stand is really cool and again the fight w formaggio was so fun to watch

8/10

Guido Mista:

probably my least favorite member of the team for a semi good reason:

the jokes towards trish are really really uncomfy and how fugo doesnt wanna be involved but he is pushing him to do something that makes him uncomfortable did not make me like him a lot

hes goofy but not goofy enough for me to be ok with the repeated jokes about that esp in the body swap episode (ik it was supposed to be funny but it just felt off)

his vibes r good but i wish we got to see his hair

the fandom interpretation is normally pretty good of him overall?

despite not loving him a lot, i really enjoying writing for him (one day might open up headcanon requests or smth but unsure)

hes someone id wanna watch movies w but his taste in movies and mine r very different

love how he and his stand get along

honestly has very very good comedic potential

i really like how he and giorno interact as the series goes on (in a platonic way i need to clarify that i love their friendship)

again him in purple haze feedback was really interesting

probably a 5/10?

Trish Una:

beloved and deserved better

her first outfit in the manga > outfit in the anime

actually in general i believe in manga trish superiority like her hair in the manga looks so cool

her stand her stand her stand i love sm

if u dont include trish in the group i am murdering u <3

HER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!! IS SO GOOD!!!!!!

fandom gripe is how people either pretend she does not exist or has the trish first introduction thing where shes using her defense mechanisms and acting a bit spoiled

OK but her in purple haze feedback!!! mild spoilers but how bruno was taking care of her post the ending of vento aureo makes me so happy each time i think of it

very mad that she canonically didnt really get an ending and yet again PHF my beloved actually gave her that

how spice girl starts out as a stand thats helping her thru a very stressful situation is so cool and i love it

DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO *frothes at the mouth*

but more seriously how she leans on bruno and begins 2 trust him and nearly point blank is referring to him as a father figure always fucks me up

esp because of the resulting fight afterwards

and the very ending of the arc that ends w bruno being like bye gonna go in the clouds and look ethereal now, oh man it makes me so sad

bc giorno is the only one that knew what happened and people that were closer to bruno due to knowing him longer didnt

i wanna see how trish coped w that personally

despite being introduced not at the beginning i think her arc and character in general were as well paced as it could be!

9/10

finally done! sorry that took so long but oh man i have so many feelings towards these guys its not even funny

[where-theres-smoak-2]

This Needs To Stop.

Trigger warning: Sensitive topics, p*dopilia, grooming, mental health and r*cism. 

Ok so this is a bit of a rant so apologies for that, I usually try to stay away from sensitive or controversial topics but this is something that I am passionate about and that I think is important. Also I just want to say that I am in no way directing this to the entirety of the M*lina fandom, I know most are just enjoying their ship, but there are those few who are deliberately seeking out darklina posts or are cross tagging and coming into darklina’s asks and just generally harassing the fandom which sadly I am seeing happen more and more often. Also I do feel like this can apply to all fandoms not just exclusively shadow and bone/ grishaverse, its just this is the one I am experiencing it in right now.   

I’ve seen antis call darkling/darklina fans many problematic things, delusional, mentally ill, ab*se apologists. They also like throwing around words like grooming and p*dophile. The thing that makes me angry about this is that they are taking sensitive topics, topics that many users have been effected by and they are using them to attack shippers merely for liking a character or ship that they don’t. What is even more frustrating is they seem to be throwing these words around without evening fully understanding what they even mean. For example the claim that the Darkling is a p*dophile because Alina is only 17 in the books. Well p*dophilia is a psychiatric disorder where adults are attracted to children and in order for it to be classed as p*dophilia the child involved has to be 13 or younger. A 16 year old can be diagnosed as a p*dophile if they become attracted to a child that is five years or more younger than them. So the relationship between the Darkling and Alina does not meet the criteria to be categorised this way as Alina is over the age of 13. As for it being a case of Alina is underaged, well, for one that depends on where in the world you are. This is based on imperial russia, in russia the age of consent is 16. This means that a 16 year old can have a sexual relationship with a 30 year old, a 70 year old or a 500 year old immortal and in a court of law it is still legal, whatever your own moral issues around age gaps might be. Even then it can be argued that it is irrelevant because, as with most historical literature where young girls marry older men, you cannot put modern day concepts onto them. Like I said this story is based on Imperial Russia, the life expectancy of a person in that time was around 30 years old. That means a 15 year old girl is already half way through her life, she is literally middle aged. It is at this point usually that girls started to prepare to get married and have children and yes sometimes it was to an older man because men were expected to provide for their wife and family which means having a house and job and means to support a family which an older man was more likely to have. My point is a 15-17 year old in say Imperial Russia is not the same as a 15-17 year old in modern day therefore you can’t take modern day laws and morals and place them onto that situation, it doesn’t work, they lived completely different lives. In Alina’s world, she is at the age where girls might get married and her being courted by a man of the general’s status would have been a normal occurrence, for her to have caught the attention of someone with his standing would have been considered very advantageous for her. I mean she literally gets two marriage proposals in book 2, where I believe she is still 17, and Nikolai is talking about how if she marries him it’ll be in name only and they can make Mal her guard so she can do the horizontal tango with him whenever she feels like it, so clearly the characters themselves feel like Alina is at an age where she can, one get married, and two be engaging in a sexual relationship. 

So why does all of this matter? Well it matters because people reading these posts, asks and comments left on posts, may be victims of p*dophilia and grooming. A lot of these comments don’t have trigger warnings and when you are talking about sensitive and triggering topics like this you need to be careful and when you are talking about them without even really understanding them, and where they can’t apply to the characters you are talking about anyway, then you are potentially triggering someone needlessly because you didn’t need to be talking about it in the first place, I hope I am making sense there. I am not saying don’t talk about these subjects if you do think they are relevant, I am saying make sure you do the research, that you understand the subject you are addressing and when you do talk about it do it in a respectful manner, don’t throw it out there in an angry spew accompanied by alot of other derogatory words because that won’t help anyone.     

Another subject I want to talk about is I am also seeing a lot of posts about how darklinas must be delusional or mentally unwell. This, again, is hurtful and harmful. Mental illness for a very long time has had a stigma around it, one that makes the person suffering from it feel weak and ashamed. There was always the attitude of if you are mentally ill then there is something wrong with you, or the attitude of oh just get over it, cheer up, think a different way. But mental illness isn’t just a state of emotion its often caused by hormonal imbalances and chemicals. Genetics can also play a part. There is nothing wrong with someone who is mentally ill their brain is just wired a different way. I also find it problematic when people throw around the word delusional. Maybe its nothing to you, just a word, but alot of mental illnesses have actual delusions as one of their symptoms. These can be scary and upsetting and are outside the control of the person experiencing them. Making the suggestion that liking a particular ships means you are delusional is potentially very triggering to those who do battle delusions and have fought to overcome them. The stigma around mental illness has prevented alot of people suffering from mental illness from seeking help out of shame or embarrassment or even out of fear of being judged and although I do feel like as a society we’ve become alot more open about mental health and alot more accepting there is still a long way to go. When antis start saying things like ‘I can’t believe people ship this, they must be mentally ill,’ or ‘they must be sick in the head’, or ‘if you like this ship than you must be delusional’ not only are they being incredibly prejudice against people who have mental illnesses but it is also so harmful because if there is someone reading that post who is struggling with their mental health and are considering seeking help then you’ve just made them feel more ashamed, more like there is something wrong with them which will make them even less likely to seek out help and as I said before there isn’t anything wrong with a person who has a mental health condition they are just different from you. That doesn’t give you the right to make them feel like they are less capable of deciding what they do or do not like or even what they should or should not like to be classified as a ‘normal’ person. 

The most latest problematic statements I’ve seen have been those accusing Darklina’s of being r*cist. This one I found a bit funny in a it’s not funny kind of way. I just don’t think there is much logic behind this view point. I’m not sure I understand the antis reasoning here. Mostly because I’m pretty sure the majority of the Darklina fandom comes from the books where Mal is described as being a white, brown haired, blue eyed guy. Funnily enough the Darkling is described as being able to pass for Shu, though to be clear it isn’t confirmed that he is a POC, but out of the two in the books the Darkling is more likely to be a POC than Mal. On top of that whilst many darklina fans have made it clear they are not a fan of Mal in the books many have said they like the show version of Mal who, as we all know, the actor Archie is a POC. So by anti logic darklinas are all r*cist because they don’t like book Mal who is depicted as white but we do like show Mal who is a POC. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I do understand that there were some ‘fans’ who made inappropriate and r*cist comments to some cast members including Archie and I would never ever condone that no matter who I ship. But you also can’t condemn an entire fandom just because of the actions of a select few. I don’t judge all M*linas for that one fan who accused Ben of being a pr*dator and p*dophile because of his friendship with Jessie. Once again my point is r*cism is a serious topic and not something someone should use as a retort or comeback to someone not shipping your ship. When we use these words casually it makes it less likely that they’ll be taking seriously when they really do need to be taken seriously, when they really are relevant to what is happening. If we keep using them so casually then when we really do need to talk about them, when it really matters, people will just shrug and go ‘its just antis being antis.’ 

I think it is possible for people to like different things, to debate and analyse different relationships and characters and talk about what flaws they may have in a respectful manner. I wouldn’t say I am anti m*lina but at the same time there are things about them that I find problematic but when I talk about those things I hope I do so in a way that doesn’t demean those who do like the ship. I understand that people will have a different interpretation than me and whilst I might not understand where their thinking comes from or why they have a particular opinion I would never make the assumption that they are mentally unwell or make judgements on their character or morals. I try to think about the words I am writing. I know how easy it can be to just throw a word out there without thinking about it. I used to use the word delusional to describe fans of certain ships, but when I recognised how damaging and problematic that was I stopped and I changed my behaviour because it was never my intention to hurt others. I guess the main message I am trying to convey here is we need to be careful with our words they’re not as insignificant as we might think.                

[ihatecoconut]

Fixing It

Cross Posted to AO3

It was cold when Spot slipped out of the lodging house, and there was the faint but permeating smell of smoke in the air- courtesy of those who could afford to burn fires and keep warm. Winter had come early that year, and Spot could feel the chill through his clothes, even with Hotshot’s jacket, forced upon him as he was trying to slip away unnoticed ‘with love’.

Those who couldn’t afford wood to burn were keeping inside and huddling together to keep away the chill. The newsies in Brooklyn had started sleeping two to a bunk the week before and, even when they weren’t sleeping, tended to stick with their pair- it worked out for Spot, everyone had someone watching them if they got ill, skipped a meal or tried to run away. Spot was sharing with Hotshot at night, but he wasn’t sharing warmth with her at that point due to the fact that he was instead making his way out of Brooklyn and to the Manhattan lodging.

He pulled the borrowed jacket tighter around him as he stepped out of the shelter that came with the packed buildings, quietly grateful for Hotshot’s forethought, and kept walking. His cane, which he had slung through a belt loop so he could keep his hands in his pockets, hit his leg with every step, and a reminder came with every step of his position and of the risks that came with it. Mostly, however, it was a reminder that he should be back in his own lodging house, watching over his newsies, and not slipping away after dark to another lodging house. But Race’s face, hurt, betrayed and angry, had kept cropping up in his mind’s eye all day, no matter how hard he had tried to force it down. It wasn’t going to leave him until he fixed it. Until he took back the cruel words that he hadn’t even meant.

He should have left the cane behind.

The bridge was empty as Spot crossed it, a combination of darkness and the chill from the river pushing people into one of the boroughs either end. Anyone watching would have seen a lone figure crossing it, his shoulders up to his ears and his arms wrapped around himself to keep warm, what they wouldn’t have seen was the blood welling up from his lip where it cracked, and they wouldn’t have heard him berating himself for not doing this during the day, when the sun provided some warmth and the people and animals provided the rest.

*

Confusingly, it was Davey who opened the door, rather than Jack, the caretaker, or whichever kid one of them had left on watch. That was another irritation, in what was stretching out to be a long night, that Spot really didn’t need. He knew that he was never going to be able to intimidate Davey into doing what he wanted, and it was going to take some effort now to get in.

“Hey Mouth, don’t you have a house of your own?”

“Yeah,” Davey replied, looking slightly thrown by his presence there, “I was helping Jack with something.”

Spot bit his tongue to avoid saying anything he was thinking about that, in particular avoided making any comments about Jack and Davey’s relationship or what exactly Davey might have been ‘helping’ with, especially considering he wasn’t exactly sure what their relationship was since Jack was still apparently going out with the reporter girl from the strike. He really needed Davey to let him in, and he wasn’t going to do that if Spot insulted him.

“Why are you here?” Davey continued, “Jack isn’t expecting you.”

“Of course he ain’t, I’m not here to speak to him. I wanna talk to Racer.”

Davey paused at that and, annoyingly, Spot could see him piecing things together in his head- even if he weren’t entirely sure what those things were.  “I’m not sure Race wants to talk to you right now.”

Spot grit his teeth, “I need to talk to him.”

“Ok,” Davey crossed his arms and stared straight back into a glare that had sent better men running, “I don’t know what you want me to do about that.”

“Let me in.”

“No.”

With that, it was evident they had reached a stalemate, and if it hadn’t been for Albert clattering down the stairs to see what was taking Davey so long, they might have remained there for the rest of the night. As it was, Albert demanded to know what was going on, pieced together the answer to his question from the argument that ensued and decided that Spot should, in fact, be allowed to speak to Racer, and apparently his position as Race’s best friend, and a newsboy longer than Davey had been overrode Davey’s decision.

Despite Davey’s unhappiness at the situation- which he expressed multiple times on the way up- and his apparent irritation at Spot, which had to be linked to however Race was acting as Spot hadn’t actually acted any different to how he acted normally, Albert led him into the lodging house and up the stairs to their bunkroom.

Only one bunk was occupied, everyone else was in the common room on the floor below, keeping together and laughing. The occupied bunk was towards the end of the room, near the window, and it was only obvious it was occupied as the blankets were lumped up around a human figure, while all others were flat and neat- a habit that had to have been started by Davey as they wouldn’t have cared what their beds looked like otherwise.

Albert gestured at the figure, shrugged, and then made a gesture across his throat with his thumb before disappearing. A threat. Spot sighed, pulled off the extra jacket he was wearing and made his way across the room, using footsteps loud enough that Race had to know someone was coming.

“Al, I already told you I just want to be left alone.” The pile of blankets informed him, “Go away.”

“I’m not Albert.”

The speed with which Race sat up to face him probably would have been funny under any other circumstances, but since it only brought his tear stained face into Spot’s view faster, ‘funny’ wasn’t really the word that Spot was thinking.

Race scowled, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to apologise?” Spot winced reflexively; he hadn’t meant it to come out as a question.

“I don’t want it.” Came the response and Race immediately rolled back over into the position he had been in before Spot came in.

Slightly at a loss for what to do, Spot sat down on the bunk next to Race and stared at his back. Briefly, he wished he had brought Hotshot along- she always knew the right thing to say to people, and she was the one who delt with the littles while they were upset. It wasn’t that Spot didn’t like the littles, he loved them and would kill for them, it was just that he had no idea how to relate to people emotionally. And that was slowly turning into a bigger problem than he had thought it would be.

“I didn’t mean it.” He said quietly, still staring at Race’s back, “I didn’t want to shove you off and say those things, I just panicked.”

Race sat back up again and attempted to scowl again, although it had lost some of the anger it had had previously. “So?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry.”

“Yes. And I do want to kiss you and stuff, and I do want you to spend the night, if you still want to, I just, I don’t…”

“Don’t…?” Race prompted, and his tone was gentler than it had been before.

“I don’t know.”

There was a pause in which they both stared at each other, and Spot suddenly felt the weight of what he had said hit him. It was illegal to be doing what he had just asked Race to do, there were stories in the papers every so often of men who had been caught and thrown into jail, and he felt the sudden urge to run away and never speak to Race again. “You want to run away again, don’t you?” Race asked, sitting up properly, and if Spot hadn’t been already head over heels for him- no matter how much he tried to deny it to himself- he thought that he might have fallen in love with Race right there, simply for his innate ability to see through him.

“It’s dangerous. My boys might not respect me…” The white hot panic that he had felt earlier in the day when Race had leaned in and kissed him was back, the idea that if they found out he would be beaten up and thrown back out on the streets, that he could go back to being a nobody squeezed his chest and made him want to hit something- probably Race considering he was the one who was causing these feelings.

“We can be careful.” Race whispered, moving over to lay his hand on Spot’s leg. “We won’t get caught.”

Spot looked down at the hand, which had begun to rub comforting circles on his thigh, and somehow felt more relaxed. “We can be careful.” He repeated.

“Can I kiss you? Again?”

Slightly choked up from the sheer amount of emotion he was feeling, Spot nodded, and Race leaned in, putting slightly more pressure on Spot’s leg- almost painful, by the time they were nose to nose- and carefully pressed his lips to Spot’s. It was a little messy, uncoordinated and their teeth clacked together too much, but it was almost perfect, and Spot could see himself doing this for the rest of his life.

A crash from downstairs made them jump apart, and Spot wanted to yell at them both for being so careless, for doing it in a place where anyone could just walk in. Race’s smile stopped him.

“Can you stay the night?” he asked, quiet and shy and utterly perfect in Spot’s eyes. The part of him that had been gone for Race from the moment they met screamed at him to say yes, to roll the two of them onto the bed and hold Race to his chest for the rest of the night and stay with him in Manhattan until the two of them aged out. The rest of him, the part that was the King of Brooklyn, and was constantly focused on whether or not his actions would be good for his newsies, that part knew he had to leave. And, even as it knew that, Spot was a little surprised to realise that that part of him was in love with Race as well.

“I promised Hotshot I’d be back before midnight.” He looked away so he didn’t have to see Race’s face fall.

“You’ll need to leave soon then. It’s a long walk back to Brooklyn.”

Taking the hint for what it was, Spot rose, Race’s hand slipping off his thigh as he did, and he immediately missed its warmth and comforting presence. “I’ll- uh- I’ll see you at Sheepshead tomorrow?”

Race grinned, brighter than ever before, “I’ll be there.”

Spot nodded, a little awkwardly and carefully backed out of the bunkroom, pausing at the door to give Race an awkward wave, which Race readily returned. On his way out, he passed Davey, who raised an eyebrow but otherwise allowed him to continue unstopped.

*

As Spot carefully backed out of view, Race allowed himself to let out a little happy squeal and hugged his- admittedly flat- pillow to his chest.

“Albie! Get in here!”

Unsurprisingly, Albert had been hovering outside the window and hopped in immediately, “How did it go? Do I need to beat him up?”

“He let me kiss him. And he said he’d see me at Sheepshead tomorrow!”

Albert let out an excited squeal, not dissimilar to the one Race had just let out, “That’s amazing!”

“Yeah.” Race sighed happily and lay back, staring up at the other bunk, “I can’t believe this is happening.”

Albert shoved on next to him, “Me neither! This is amazing!”

“You already said that!”

“I know!”

The two of them looked at each other and burst out laughing, Albert wrapped his arms around Race and they continued laughing, rolling around on the tiny bed and just bathing in each other’s company and the happiness they didn’t often experience.

Unknown to them, Davey was stood at the door, listening to their conversation and smiling quietly- he had been genuinely worried when Spot appeared at their door demanding to speak to Race, especially considering that Race had returned early from Brooklyn having obviously been crying. Apparently his concerningly parental worry hadn’t been necessary, but he would tell Jack, and maybe they would quietly threaten Spot with consequences if Race ever returned from Brooklyn crying again.

*

On the Brooklyn bridge, Spot climbed up onto one of the struts, and stared out across the water, watching the way the lights reflected on the water and tried to stop touching his lips every few seconds. For the first time in a while, he didn’t feel weighed down by all his responsibilities, he was looking forward to the next selling day.

Hotshot raised an eyebrow- in a concerningly similar manner to how Davey had done so earlier- and gestured at the clock, which was showing a quarter past twelve. “I was gonna give it another half hour before I sent out a search party,” she threatened in a whisper, “now get in to bed and you are going to tell me where you went in the morning.”

He rolled his eyes, shucked off his outer layers and carefully climbed onto the single bunk that she normally slept on alone. “Goodnight, Niamh.”

She smiled and squeezed his hand. “Goodnight, Sean.”

And then, just as he had rolled over and shut his eyes she quietly added, “This ‘Hattan boy better be worth it.”

“He is. He really really is.”

[calypsoff]

Eighty Nine.

I am exhausted, very much just tired because Rylee is unwell. Just irritated, crying and just not sleeping or having her milk and it’s depressing me, not going to lie. I have already had the doctors and told me to monitor her, I am doing all that, but she is quiet right now. I am sat on the toilet and Mel said she will hold her, she only sleeps in my arms but even then I am scared I am going to fall asleep because I am just that tired, it’s just getting worse actually. Initially it wasn’t that bad, she was fussing but slept a few hours, now she won’t do it and she is not teething either, so we are stuck, I tried to get Chris to take care of her, he is worse than anything. Not in a bad way, she really wasn’t settling so it’s me, my mother is going crazy, she is saying why did you ever post her, why you let anyone see her, someone gave her the evil eye, people are making her ill. I shouldn’t have let people hold her or touch her, and my birthday is today but I don’t care. I am just not in the mood for it at all, I don’t care for it. I am getting to the point I am crying with her; she cries so much, and the doctor have the nerve to say watch over her, that was it. Watch for what, I know something is wrong. Putting my head in my hands, she is crying again, and I can hear it. Something is really wrong, and I am doing nothing, I am not taking action and I need too. But since coming back that night, I haven’t had the chance to think about what happened with Chris, she slept like five hours that night, woke up, didn’t drink, cried and then stopped, cried again. Remained awake with her so I got Chris to come, so I thought I could sleep but no, she was awful, then I got the doctor and he said watch over her, I have not slept since, how is that normal and to say keep an eye on her, that is it. I just don’t even know.

Taking in a deep breath, I feel drunk that is how much I am lacking right now “do we have Red Bull in this place?” I asked, Mel looks stressed “I am sorry about this, if you can get me some. Come here” slowly taking Rylee from Mel, she doesn’t look well at all. Touching her diaper “her diaper isn’t wet like it is, I don’t believe the doctor Mel. Hey, hey. It’s ok” placing the pacifier in her mouth and rocked her “when she was asleep Robyn her breathing is very fast you know, I will get that” someone is here, whoever it is I don’t care because I need to gather myself. Sitting on the edge of the couch “it’s ok, I am here. I am sorry, I wish I could take this away from you” placing her in the lounger “ssshhh, I am here. It’s ok” staring at Rylee, I am just confused on the doctor. He said it like it’s nothing, I don’t know. Taking out her pacifier, Rylee coughed and then got upset again, I am taking her ER, I can’t do this. Something is not right with my daughter, and I can feel it, she is probably screaming for help, and I am sat here just doing nothing, I hope it’s not my mother because I can’t deal with her blaming me. I am going to have a mental breakdown “I know, I am sorry” Rylee is crying and so am I “I am sorry” placing my head in my hands as I cried with my daughter, I have really failed Rylee, hearing a clatter behind me “Robyn, hey” feeling a hand on my shoulder “Robyn” moving my hands back looking up, I got up from the couch and just hugged Chris “it’s going to be ok” and I just cried out, Rylee’ cries just mixed into with mine.

Chris wiped my tears with his hand “calm down Robyn, it’s going to be ok” I am so heartbroken right now “tissue” Mel rushed over, I am a mess right now. Chris grabbed the tissue before I did and started wiping my nose “calm down, please. Just relax, he wiped my nose again and then put the tissue in his pocket. Chris limped over to Rylee, he has come accustomed to the cast clearly “it’s going to be ok Robyn” Mel came to the side of me “she looks so pale Robyn, what happened. I mean from yesterday to now” Chris bought Rylee into him trying to console her “she didn’t sleep all night, she’s coughing but the doctor said to keep an eye on her, you were here, he said it. I didn’t think it would get bad” my voice broke “he did say that I was here too. We going to get you some help” Chris pressed kisses to the top of her head “Robyn, I am going to need you to be with us in this, we need to go. Or get the Ambulance here, we need to go ER or something” Mel rushed off “I left her here, I left her to it and now she is worse. I am just so tired” dropping to my knees, I did it, I did this because I was taking her everywhere “sis, what the fuck. Chris?” hearing Rorrey say “listen, we need to get Rylee to the ER now! Help me” Chris said “what should I do? Robyn, sis” I just want this to end now.

I feel I am not here; I am in the car, but I am elsewhere because I can’t even concentrate. Mel stayed behind and will join us after, but I can’t believe this is happening at all “we actually came to say Happy Birthday to you, Robyn!?” Rorrey spat, looking up “huh?” I said “I said we was going to come and say Happy Birthday to you, that is the only reason why we came. We didn’t know you was struggling sis, why didn’t you say it to us?” I sighed out “I didn’t think she would have been that bad, I am being honest” I mumbled, looking over at Rylee in the car seat. She is busy looking out of the car window, but you can tell she is struggling “oh my god” I breathed out “I am so sorry Rylee, I shouldn’t have taken his word for it. You were crying for attention, trying to tell me you needed help” I am so broken, my baby. Rylee looked over at me, her drowsy eyes just looking at me “I am going to get help for you, please be strong. You have been doing so well now, I am going to get you help” I sniffled “we here, I will park the car just go” Rorrey said, getting out of the car as soon as he said, I am getting my daughter help as soon as possible, they better stop what they are doing for my daughter. Chris is usually always taking his time doing things, but he is doing his best with that cast on, he is jumping out of the car and just jumping around for her “I got the baby bag, just get her out” making my way around the car.

I feel so panicked, I just want to get my daughter help so bad “how can I help you?” the lady dragged the last part out just staring at me, I don’t care. It’s not about that, this is a private hospital so this shit should be checked quick “my daughter, I had my doctor come yesterday he said keep an eye on her, that is all he said. He didn’t give her anything, she has been so unsettled for two days now, crying and not drinking, now she is struggling to breathe! She needs help, please help my baby” my voice broke, the receptionist pressed a button and the bell rung “is this her, let me just see her” she peeped over “ok, thank you. Please take the baby, she will need air now!” now where are they taking my baby “what is her name please” I don’t want to give up my baby “I will go with her, I am the father. Just let her go, she will be ok Robyn” Chris placed his hands on my shoulders “we will take care of her, please” looking up at Chris “it will be ok, come on” nodding my head giving my daughter to the nurse, a small sob left my lips “I will follow on, just join us” I feel so lost already “ok” I managed to say, “her name please?” the receptionist asked “Rylee” I choked out “Rylee Fenty-Brown” flicking my tear “her date of birth?” she asked “ninth” I am so shaky “September” I need to be with her “last year” nodding my head “we have found her records, we will book her in and there is a doctor coming” I breathed out “thank you” rushing off, I want to see her. Is she ok, I know he came down here. Pushing the doors open “my daughter came down here, did you see her?” I asked this lady “just here” she pointed and I ran into the room, but the nurse just caught me “we are going to need to just get her on some air, take some bloods. She is in the best care” the lady held out her blankie to me “but that is my daughter, I want to be here for her” stepping to the side “I promise you she is in the best care, I promise you but please” they want me to be away from my baby “that is my baby Chris” looking up at him “I know, she is in the best place” Chris is so teary eyed “come” taking the blankie slowly breaking down.

I am not walking away from this room, my daughter is in there so I will wait outside, Chris and I held hands, a tight grip. Concerned parents, seeing a few doctors go into the room and not coming out, I am growing worried and I hate I have to be out here, why can’t I be in there, maybe they don’t need our emotions there, us saying things, I am unsure but I don’t like it “you should have called me Robyn, no matter what I am here for you we could have done this together, I didn’t think she was escalating like that. I just came for your birthday, that was it” he said but my mind is on Rylee, on what she is doing, how is she feeling. I can’t hear her cry “I know, I just thought it would go by, you listen to your doctor. When your doctor says that you listen, he should know what they are saying, I am just in shock. The only gift I want is my daughter in my arms and ok” I just want her with me “she is strong Robyn; I believe she will be ok. I am praying so hard right now” I squeezed his head; a nurse came out of the room. I can hear things beeping in there, I do not like it and it’s scaring me “I want to go inside Chris, I can’t just stand here. I can’t” my voice broke “I know, just relax” I can’t relax, my daughter is in there, my child.

I can’t do it I am going to go in “Robyn” Chris tugged me back and the door opened “Mrs and Mr Brown, shall we go to the waiting room. So we can discuss Rylee” peaking into the room “my daughter, I want to see her!?” I spat “we just need to finish off a few things but please, so we can talk in private” she gestured “you need your crutches” Chris shook his head “you walk ahead, I can just limp” letting his hand go and walking off “after you Mr Brown, looks like you have had an eventful time with the leg of yours” the woman said behind me “uh yeah, kind of. I am getting used to just limping around now” opening the door to the room, holding he door open “thank you” she said as she walked in “thanks” Chris walked in “please, sit down” letting the door close, letting Chris sit down before I did. Placing my hand over Chris’ and he placed his other hand over mine “I am Myriam, I will be watching over Rylee while she is here. I am a specialist for ears, nose and throat and I have come here as an emergency. Rylee has respiratory syncytial virus, which is RSV, it can last for three weeks in babies, and it can come and go as a cold, but it can attack the babies’ airways and get infected, the virus enters the respiratory system through the windpipe. The virus makes its way down to the smallest airways in the lungs. In this case, Rylee is a baby, and she doesn’t know what to do with this infection that is attacking her lungs. This can come by when in contact with an infected person, that has a virus, adults we all can have it as a cold, so someone has passed this on or it was on a toy of hers, it happens. But this can be life threatening and in Rylee’ case she was struggling. We are giving Rylee oxygen, tubes in her nose, we have a feeding tube also, she is dehydrated and very worn out. She has a sensor on her toe to monitor her breathing. But she fell asleep, I think she was struggling a lot, but you did the right thing and bought her here” I couldn’t help it, I just cried.

Gathering myself, the doctor is just staring at me like what is she doing just crying like this “but will she be ok?” my voice shaky “yes she will, I will be monitoring her ok?” nodding my head and swallowed hard “ok” I breathed out, a light knock on the door “here sir” my brother walked in “Myriam, the room is clear” the nurse said “the room is clear, if you want to come with me and we can see Rylee. But we will be monitoring her closely” getting up from the seat “she will be sleeping mostly right now, she is very dehydrated” I know that “she wasn’t feeding” I mumbled “just this way” walking out of the room, I keep getting looks from the nurses “she got rsv, to do with her breathing” hearing Chris saying behind me “she is stable Myriam, her breathing is better with the oxygen” walking inside the room, just seeing Rylee the way she does breaks my heart. My poor baby on the bed with those tubes, looking on in sadness. I failed her as a mother, I didn’t pick it up. She was ok, I mean she was being a little fussy but I thought she was going through a phase, I fucked up so much and now look.

[notimetoblog]

Panic

Summary: Two little texts send your heart into a frenzy, and when the super soldier responsible for them doesn't reply, you just hope he’s still alive for him to hear exactly what you think of him. 

A/N: Hi hi!!! here’s a one shot for you guys!! I haven't posted one of these in a while so I truly hope you enjoy it! when I saw the texts online I knew I just had to write a fic around them for our favorite brunette super soldier lol. Thanks so much for reading!!

Link are being rude so if you’d like to read more of my stories search “stories by notimetoblog”

You know panic. 

A failed parachute? You’ve experienced it and survived it. You thought that panic was enough to fill a lifetime. What could bring on more panic than freefalling from thousands of feet in the air with no means to break your fall? 

Surely nothing. 

Well, that’s what you had believed until you, again, lived and survived a mission gone wrong. Stupidly, you’d admit, you had turned off your comms to focus on the task at hand. Of course, this meant you missed all five of Steve’s attempts to warn you of previously unnoticed threats. To your defense, Steve really should do less talking over those things. Sure, he was lovely but having him in your ear for hours at a time was enough to drive anybody to the extreme.

The panic you experienced that time drew your blood cold. The unnoticed threats were pretty easily spotted when they were pointing guns at your face, each of the four men staring back at you more than ready to end you. Your instincts took over after that and the next thing you knew, you were being walked into the Quinjet a more than upset Steve again filling your ear with endless strings of words you just couldn’t and didn’t want to make out.

That panic you knew how to deal with. You knew once safe you could sit back, relax, and unwind.

But this current panic was beyond you.

You hold your phone in your cold hands, staring at the messages on the home screen.

Your ringer went off every night because if anybody enjoyed sleep, it was you. But that meant that you would wake up to voicemails, missed calls, and texts that were just waiting for you to get your day started. Nothing of importance was ever sent to your phone anyway. If there was an emergency, Steve had other ways to communicate them to you, and you knew he very much enjoyed getting to ring the alarms he had set up throughout your apartment. It was his form of payback for all the little things you did to him throughout the day.

This morning, though, you had not woken up to your usual texts, but to only two texts that were enough to make you want to scream.

Buck: I need advice (3:46 am)

Buck: never mind i already did the stupid thing (6:51 am)

For almost two hours Bucky had thought about doing something so incredibly stupid even he felt the need to call it that.

He often prided himself in his genius ideas, and sure, at times they had gotten you out of trouble. More often than not, though, those ideas resorted to more unorthodox methods than your basic training had provided you with. Still, no matter how stupid those ideas were, he always called them his ‘genius hacks.’

That time he had literally shot himself in the foot to create a distraction? Genius hack!

The time he threw Sam out of a window to get his wings working again? Genius hack!

So, Bucky accepting his idea was stupid meant this was bad.

This was so bad.

Your fingers press his name on your phone; normally you would chuckle at the picture of Bucky attached to his info, but not today.

It was past 8 am, by this time he could be on his way to another country. He could be hurt. He could be dead.

A ring, and then five more, and no response.

“My god,” you say, jumping out of your bed throwing on whatever clothes you find laying around.

You’re a mess, a complete and total mess, and it only gets worse after every time Bucky doesn’t answer your call.

You: Bucky I swear if you’re dead ill find some way to kill you again! And if you’re not… pick up THE PHONE!!!!!

You had a soft spot for him; everyone was aware. Something in you both just seemed to click, but that did not mean you wouldn’t let him have it when he did something reckless.

He would simply lay on the charm in response, using those stupid big blue eyes of his to melt away your frustration.

“You’re cute when you get all worked up,” he’d say, a smile on his lips that made your heart beat just a little bit faster. The jerk knew very well how to get his way.

He was an idiot, but one that you couldn’t help but be drawn to.

But not right now. Oh no. Right now, he was just the biggest idiot on the planet for disappearing like this.

You call again, crossing your fingers he would pick up, but no luck.

“He better be dead,” you find yourself saying while you rummage through the bag you had thrown on your couch after getting home late last night to find your house keys.

“I don’t think you mean that,” a very much alive Bucky says as you open the door to your apartment.

“You think this is funny?” you ask, letting him hear every bit of the worry that was consuming you only seconds ago.

“Just a little,” he replies, scrunching his nose, something you’d typically find adorable. But not today. “Ok, ok, I’m sorry,” he amends, feeling your door closing right in front of his face, choosing to stuff his left arm to stop you from closing it all the way.  “I should’ve answered your calls, but in my defense, I was a little busy doing something else.”

“What? The stupid thing you needed advice on. You’re on your own if you did something to Sam’s wings.”

“I could tell you a bit more about what I did, darling, if you’d let me in.”

“Don’t even try the whole ‘darling’ thing right now Barnes,” you scold him, “because it won’t work. You can’t just disappear like that.”

“I know,” his voice is soft, and you hate him for it. “But I can explain everything I promise. And I was only ‘missing’ for like 4 hours, most of which you were asleep for, so come on, sweetheart, let me in.”

You pierce your eyes at the pet name, making him chuckle.

“I said sweetheart, not darling,” he winks.

“It better be good, Barnes,” you reply with a groan, opening the door up for him all the way.

With a smile, he walks into your apartment, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t take him walking past you as an opportunity to scan him for injuries.

Your eyes rake past his back, down to his legs, looking for any sign of pain. Just looking out for anything you might need to patch up or any limping, of course, nothing more. But its harder to tell if he’s got any blood on him or anything else you should worry about.

He’s wearing a black t-shirt, dark jacket, and black denim jeans. If there’s anything on them, you can’t tell in his all-black outfit.  

“I shouldn’t have called what I was thinking about stupid, really,” he began, causing your gaze to come back up to his face as he turns to look at you. “Because it’s not.”

“Another one of your genius hacks, huh,” you cross your arms wondering why you had even let yourself get so worked up from two little texts.

The answer was rather obvious, but still, it was better not to address it at the moment. It was better not to mess with a friendship that somehow managed to work despite both of your reckless attitudes.

“Not really,” he says, sitting down on the couch, hugging one of your throw pillows, a big fluffy white one. He would regret that later when he discovered how much it shed onto his dark jacket. But you’d take that as a tiny victory over him after the scare he gave you. “Had nothing to do with the job at all.”

“Then do enlighten me, Barnes,” you give him an eye roll, not ready to hear about whatever mess he had gotten himself into.

“Just call me Bucky, doll,” he says with a tiny pout, his eyes going wide- those stupid big blue eyes. “It means your mad at me when you call me Barnes, and if I’m honest, I don’t like the feeling.”

“I kinda am.”

“More relieved than mad, though, right? Cause I’m still alive.”

“Won’t be alive for much longer if you don’t talk.”

“Fine,” he laughs, and you curse yourself for finding it endearing, but it’s always lovely to hear him laugh. “It’s not something stupid, might be the smartest decision I’ve made in my life.”

“Oh my god,” you say in disbelief throwing another one of your pillows at him. “You jerk! What did you do to Sam?!”

“I didn’t do anything to him,” he says in between more laughs as he dodges everything you throw his way. “You need to stop that.”

In an instant, he’s up and has you backed up onto the door, hands pressed against your side.

“Sam is fine,” he says softly, now that he’s so close to you. “Probably still drooling.”

“Then what’d you do?”

“Well, I haven’t done it yet. That’s why I came here for.”

There was something new in his eyes. It was as if a new shade of blue swam in them, a shade that had never been seen before.

What on earth was he doing?

“You can let go of my hands now, Buck,” you say, trying your best to distract yourself from how close he was.

“Won't throw more pillows at me?”

“I ran out.”

“Breaks my heart that’s the only reason you won't throw them at me,” he chuckles, releasing his hold on your hands, partially, because for some reason he chooses to lace his fingers with yours.

And something in you screams because this may or may not be a dream you had a few nights ago- a dream you had pushed deep down, hoping it would never come back up again. And yet here it was.

“What’d you do?” you ask him again, hoping speaking through what you were feeling would be better than being drowned by it.

“I bought something,” he replies, his signature boyish grin on his lips but this time there’s something new; a faint dusting of pink on his cheeks. “For you.”

“Really?” you pretend that those words did not just travel to your core and erupted into thousands of butterflies.

“See, it wasn’t stupid, really. It was a mistake to call it that, but I did need some advice because I’m not the best at this whole thing.”

“What thing?” you question, not missing how comfortable his hands feel around yours; how meant to be.

“Us.”

And there it was, the moment that had only been real in daydreams, the moment you absolutely knew would melt your heart.

“I bought you flowers,” he continues, letting his thumb drag slowly across the back of your hand. “They’re outside. I kinda panicked when you opened the door.”

“Flowers,” you hear yourself say, disbelief clear.

“I ran across the entire city, finding a place that opened early enough for me to get them as soon as possible. I ran into a shop owner around 6:30, she was only there that early to drop a few things, but I begged her to let me get something, anything. She must’ve felt bad because she let me inside.”

“You’ve been looking for flowers since 4 am?”

“I guess that part was stupid,” he laughs. “But I couldn’t wait! And I really started looking for places at 5.” There’s a tiny pause, and his face goes completely blank. “You like flowers, right?”

It’s really hard not to reach out and bring him closer when he’s looking like a lost little puppy, but you hold yourself back, enjoying the way his eyes have gone soft.

“I do,” you confirm, melting at the way his smile shines like a million stars.

Goodness, he was cute.

“And me? Do you like me?”

“Sometimes,” you fib, giggling when he pouts.

“Cause I like you a lot.”

Were you ever really mad at him, you wonder, because who on earth could ever be mad at the man in front of you? With those big blue beautiful eyes, that charming smile, and that soft touch.

“You do?” you tease, voice low and silky as you feel him getting closer and closer to you.

“So much, darling. There isn't anyone else who I like as much as you, to be honest. You’re the only one that makes me want to buy flowers at 5 am,” he presses a kiss to your forehead. “Nobody else I’d rather hold hands with,” a kiss to your cheek. “Nobody else I’d rather spend time with. I’m entirely yours, what can I say?”

And then it happens, his soft lips finally press onto yours, slowly parting them to deepen the kiss. His hands leave yours only to wrap his arms around your waist, and it’s as if you’ve done this before. Your hands find themselves running up along his arms to his shoulders, finally getting lost in his hair, following a trail that you somehow already know.

“Be my best girl?” he asks in a husky voice, eyes opening slowly, and your lips long to be on his again.

“Yes,” you say in a hushed tone, just for him.

He loosens his hold on you, and the look on his face is any indicator it pains him just as much as it hurts you.

“I should get your flowers,” he says, timidly looking behind you at the door. “I think I chose well.”

He steps outside only to come back a few seconds, no longer as proud of his choice as he had been.

The roses in his hands are barely holding it together, with only a few of the stems still holding up flowers. Those that still remain are all missing most of their petals.  

“I thought they looked better,” he confesses, frowning when he looks at the bouquet again. “Guess they took a little beating while I worked up the courage to come here.”

“They’re perfect,” you say, taking them from his hands and bringing them close to your chest.

And they were. They were from him, from the man who had just confessed his feelings for you. The man that drove you equally crazy with worry and with love.

He was yours, and you were his.

That’s all that mattered.

The stupid things you both got yourself into were more fun together anyway.

“I love them,” you laugh. “They’re perfect.”

The morning had started with panic, but this right here, that peace you felt when he held you close, that was worth it all.

----

Bucky Tags :D (you guys are awesome!!)

@camillechan @just-add-butter @buckyisthepuresthuman @carry-on-my-fandom @creideamhgradochas @sixweekcure4dreams @verycoolveryunique @dugan365 @jitterbuck @buckysmusculararm @headinthe-fridge @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety @hedwigthelegend @sappybarnes @coal000 @the-whitewolfie @natcad @winters-beauty @dixonsbugaboo @sawdustandsugar @silverbvcky @killjoynotes @agentpegcxrter @demonspawn2468 @buckysbeech @thefridgeismybestie @pinkfairyfluff @imaginecrushes @cauraphernelia @angieptt @fridolf-arach @nerdgirljen @bucky-is-a-hero-fightme @consttantina @titty-teetee @bfuckjames @crowleysqueenofhell @sebtrashcan-stan @jaamesbbarnes @heartssick @losemymemory @redstarstan @dracris33 @fuckthatfeeling @tamed-chaos @bringmetowonderland @mlehbleh @mawimey @delicatelyherdreams @buckyswinterchildren @jaysaku @stanclub @your-pixels-are-showing @thisismysecrethappyplace @who-the-heck-knows @polaroid-idiocity @plumsforbuckxx  @friendly-neighborhood-lich-queen @bambamwolf87 @ohhhotstan @ohhhotstan @whileinparis @sebbysstangirl @trashpanda-barnes @buckybarneshairpullingkink @lokilvrr @freyjawalker @sebbybarrnes @palaiasaurus64 @piensa-bonito @until-theend-oftheline @awkwardfangirl2014 @mywinterwolf @all1e23 @teamcap4bucky @wintersxsoul @prettyyoungtragedy @suz-123 @buckyofthemyscira @kentuckybarnes @tropicalcap @moonbeambucky @gamorazenn @sgtjbuccky @darlingholland @desibarnes @aryastarss @driftingtonystark @everythingbooknerd @unlikelygalaxygiver @nec-me-ire @hello-lucifer-here @sold-my-soul-in-2016 @whyugottabesorude @theoutlinez @books-movies-eternal @lionheo04 

[theravenclawmonster]

I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 2 of dunno how many)

The previous post of this series of posts can be found in this link post 1

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to) [yes, this is the same in all posts in series]

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post. 

Okay, where was i? The first visit to the doctor. I had my tests done and bought the acidity medicine and the vitamins he suggested (i had already started to take vitamins again since a couple of weeks before, he just added folic acid to that. I also have a bit of an issue with vitamins and people telling me to eat them indicating that all will be well after that; but more about that later). in the pharmacy, my mother was pretty upset with me cuz i kicked her out of the room and told me some stuff i don’t want to remember right now. ummm... basically she said “ why did you ask me to leave, what secret were you going to tell the doctor? what did you tell him we did to you? i know what you think about me. you could have just said it all in front of me. what was with all the secrecy” [funnily enough, although i did ask her to leave, my reason was cuz i can’t really speak in front of her (she interrupts a lot too) and i was worried that i’d cry and didn’t want to hear about it for another 6 months. there was no secret or i didn’t even think about mentioning the abuse, cuz how do you just go to a stranger and say “ hi i am in pain and my parents abuse me”. even asking for help for my pain was demanding enough for me.] . she also “informed” me very angrily that the it wasn’t allowed for a woman to be alone with a male doc, a nurse must be present (which was not present) and that is probably why doc didn’t do the proper physical checkup. Well! he should have (if he thought an extensive one was necessary; he did check my breathing and stomach softness), called a nurse in or my mother in. i didn’t have any issues with him doing my physical checkup alone too.  and he didn’t mention anything about that to me at all.

Anyway, I went back thinking God knows how long was this process was going to take and if i had the energy to fight for myself and make people believe that i was actually in a lot of pain. the reports came back fine (the expensive test one too, to much displeasure of my father “but this came back fine, so expensive for no use. why did he even write that test?” as if it would have been somehow better to get a positive test back for a disease?! I really don’t know how his mind works. By the time all reports were in, it was time for my appointment at the psychiatrist and it was decided to go to her first, then on our way back show the reports to our primary doc. that way we could also talk to him about what she said.

Oh wait, i forgot to mention in my last post. the doctor only suggested the psychiatrist and later sent me her number saying that i have told her about you please take an appointment. i had to call her and i asked about her fees which she very nicely said would be discounted and that helping me and understanding what was stressing me was more important. I felt so weird then, i don’t really hear these type of things very often.... or almost ever. 

going to the clinic was easy enough, of course my mother and father accompanied me. and my mother did follow in. [let me just add that i only remember about half of what happened so...] the doctor ( hereby referred to as Psy lady) asked me “so, how are you?” and i said “ i’m good *smiled awkwardly as she realised that was not what she meant to ask*. she was like okay, how do you feel and what do you want to discuss me with. so i just sat there like a dumbass. then i asked her how much the other doc told her about me. she said it was just that you are his patient and needs psychiatric help in his opinion.

I am just going to make a dialogue format written account for that and the next doctor’s visit as this seems way too confusing.

At that time (not sure) my mother interrupted;

Mother: *turned to me* “if you don’t mind may i tell her the history etc” *in pointed politeness*

Me: “ok.”

Mother: *launched from how i was such a brilliant smiling child and wanted to take this scholarship abroad but she said no* *went off a long tangent about how she was just being a nice worried parent in controlling my life and now feels guilty cuz i can’t let it go* *finished by saying* “Dr., she just can’t forget that, she is stressed no job plus the lock down etc you know how it is. then she found out she has scoliosis in january and i think she has taken it to heart, like really it is completely asymptomatic and i have asked the doc she won’t have any problems cuz of it in the future” (i am guessing she meant having babies but really who knows) “she has just taken stress over that”.

Psy lady : *scribbled something on her paper* “My i have some time alone with her?”

Mother: “yes yes sure” *left* 

Psy lady : “so tell me a bit about yourself.”

Me: *was still fuming and recoiling and shaking in my seat cuz i just don’t understand until how long is my mother going to throw that in my face. it has been years and i wasn’t even that upset about it (at least i just quietly internalized it) but she refused, controlled my life (since birth btw and still does now) and not even let me do anything else i want to do, nor find a job, then proceeded to throw her ‘oh i feel so guilty, i am such a good parent. i have commited a crime by being caring and now i must be punished oh!’ at me. Like where am i in all that? you say no, you control, your guilt, your love, your care, your image as a parent that must never be broken. where am i in all that? ALSO you never listen to my complains about pain so shut up* 

Psy lady: ...

Me: “umm... hi... i umm never had a dream, but then i found this thing in my mid-twenties and i loved it, but they didn’t let me pursue it, then didn’t let me do anything. and now they act like i am a burden on them. now i have nothing to do or like, and i can’t even find a job or have anywhere to go. i don’t even really wanna die, i am just tired” *burst into tears yet again as i realized i had no idea why i was telling her all that and it felt so fake and story like at the same time*    “... i can’t even breathe and i am in so much pain all the time that i feel like detached from my body cuz every time i try to be in it it fucking hurts.”

Psy lady: “are your parents always this much controlling” *pointed to the door indicating my mother*

Me: “they are emotionally abusive”

Psy lady: *had been looking into my eyes but looked away at the word abusive and didn’t say anything*

Me: *continued after a little shock that i actually said it out loud* “I can’t walk, my knees hurt” *tried to repeat almost all that was possible from the previous doc*   *also told her about feeling dissociative and explained a bit how that feels for me* * told her all about how i was fine in dragging me through life but now that my body has suddenly collapsed (where as before it was just emotional pain and numbness and occasional body pains in back and stuff nothing too overwhelming or maybe i was mentally strong to ignore it) i feel very scared and lost. I was dealing with everything fine on my own even when i felt like dying but now i cant handle anything, i can’t even act in front of others; something i am exceptionally good at* *talked about lowered brain function, slowness, low blood pressure, no energy suddenly, not being able to retain information or remember anything, not having a concept of time and memory*

Psy lady: *explained about DPDR disorder and asked me about sleep eating etc.*

Me: *repeated the same: loved sleep can’t now, loved eating can’t now* 

After some time of explaining asking and answering, she said that i have depression and what happens is that our brain stops making certain chemicals and to get it to make them again we have 2 options. one is medicine; the other is motivation and exercises. it seems like the latter would be hard for me (and i confirmed that i infact cannot walk or do almost anything and exercise is too painful cuz pain everywhere) she said that the best route in my situation is to start the medicine for some weeks (she said she’d not give them for more than 4 months; whole course including tapering them out) and explained that the medicines were very safe and answered all my queries about dependency on them or side effects etc. I said if that is what she thinks would be best and if taking them means i could feel alive again and my brain function would return to normal.

she then asked me to bring my mother back in. she explained the medicines to her and said i have diagnosed her with MDD. My mother asked what is that. She said Moderate Depressive disorder. my mother asked if the medicine was necessary. she  said yes, and to not worry as these were safe and she’s only giving to get me started and pull me out of this extreme state, only for a short time. she also said that come back after 10 days of eating these, so we can see the effect and the side effects if any, and that day she’d also get me an appointment for a psychologist who worked in the same clinic as she thinks it would help me immensely. we agreed. took the medicine and left for the doc no. 1′s clinic. My mother didn’t say anything.

we reached his office and throughout the short car ride and while sitting there waiting for my turn, i was feeling very... accomplished? enthusiastic? Dunno... I was just trying not to cry cuz i finally had it written on paper, i was finally diagnosed, i had finally gotten help. yes, it was only a start and i don’t know much about how doctors work diagnosis and how much more can be added in future visits but it was a start. i finally did something to actually help me.

Finally, our turn came. we showed him the reports and told him what she said and prescribed. My mother asked him if the meds were necessary. 

doc: “yeah they really believe in starting meds right away.”

mother: “I don’t want her to take them, it’s like giving up. she can use her will power and get better right?” [she also added something very weird like ‘these stamps (mental disorders diagnosed on paper) are not good for a woman’ or something along this line]

Doc: “yes she can. i too would suggest she do that.”

Mother: *went off on a long tangent about how when she was my age she had depression after having my older sister. but she will-powered through it and didn’t take the meds etc*

doc: “yes i agree, but it really depends on her is she willing to do it” *in a tone that suggested that i should say yes immediately and will-power though life*

Me: * realizing no one is listening to me* “doctor, can you please talk with the Psy lady and ask her if they are necessary in her opinion cuz i have no will left to power though with.”

Doc: “okay.” *called her and talked right then* * told her that he thinks it would be better to willpower through it?

Mother: “well she can will-power through right?”

Doc: “well the Psy lady said that she has been powering through with her will power for years; she has none left anymore. so she thinks that meds are the best option and besides” *looked at the prescription again* “these meds are not addictive and very safe.”

Mother: * insisted on no meds for 15 more minutes and had a long discussion with doc about praying, watching motivational speakers and what not*

doc: *joined in enthusiastically*

Me: *stared into the distance and stops listening with my wobbly neck and painful back*

Doc: “well she is not even listening. can you do it? exercise?”

me: “no it hurts, as i have explained before, not like the yayy muscle cramping up cuz i worked out way and i will love exercise in 2 weeks time way. No! the tendons hurt the bones hurt the joints hurt extremely painfully and it increases with time, even after 2-3 weeks it doesn’t get better.”

Doc: “okay, how about friends? social life? what do you do at home etc”

Me: “my friends are not here, i never made new ones. no social life. even when i was going to class before the lock down, it was from home to uni, uni to home. had no friends there. and i did walked in uni for about half an hour or even more but it hurt in the beginning, i thought okay, cramps (although my knees and heels were very painful too) but it almost felt like it got better (the cramps part) but then it got way worse and after a month i couldn’t walk for more than 10 minutes at a very slow painful speed.”

Doc: *asked about pets, anything that would suggest i was a living being with a life*

Me: “pets are not allowed and so is leaving the house by myself.”

Mother: *interjected* “we have never restricted her for anything.”

By this time, i had frankly given up and i don’t remember what happened next or where the conversation went. just remember something along the lines of “ for these 10-15 days before the next Psy lady appointment, let her do whatever she likes to, don’t ask her don’t control her. let her start up her social life again. she needs to be around friends and the things she can enjoy” something like this. to which my mother said very confidently “sure whatever she wants to do”

then, we left his office and in the car she told me to “not eat the meds as we have ‘now discussed it with your doctor”

this is getting way longer. i think i’d make one more post about it, or maybe one more after that for bits that i forgot. this post seems so badly written upon second inspection. this is not even the 40% of what happened but i don’t remember what happened exactly, or even the timeline.

The third and hopefully last post of this series can be found here post 3