#ok it’s my definition of close but STILL
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The morning light filtered through the curtains, casting a soft glow on the room. You groaned, burying your face in the pillow as the memories of last night slowly came back. The music, the dancing, the drinks.. and of course, the bet. The ridiculous bet that you had been so confident about.
You rolled over, pulling the blanket tighter around yourself, hoping the warmth would help soothe the lingering embarrassment creeping into your mind. But it didn’t. The image of Ruben’s teasing smirk flashed through your thoughts and you winced. You’d been so close.. way too close to stripping in front of him.. and at the last minute, you had chickened out.
Suddenly, you heard a soft knock at the door, followed by the sound of it creaking open. “Morning, amiga.” Ruben’s voice came, laced with amusement.
You peeked over the blanket to see him standing in the doorway, leaning casually against the frame, still looking annoyingly fresh despite the late night. He was wearing a white t-shirt and gray sweatpants, a clear reminder that, unlike you, he hadn’t spent the night tossing and turning in embarrassment.
“Don’t you knock?” you mumbled, pulling the blanket over your head, trying to disappear.
He chuckled and stepped further into the room. “I did knock. It’s not my fault you didn’t answer. Besides, you owe me a striptease, remember?”
You groaned again, feeling your face heat up. “Can we not talk about that?”
“Oh, we’re definitely talking about it.” he sat down at the edge of your bed, the mattress dipping under his weight. “I mean, you were the one who suggested it, after all.”
“I didn’t think you’d actually win!” you muttered, voice muffled under the blanket.
Ruben laughed, pulling the blanket down just enough to see your face. “Well, that’s your first mistake, underestimating me. And your second mistake? Chickening out.” He raised an eyebrow, his teasing tone impossible to miss. “You talk a big game but when it came down to it..”
You groaned louder, rolling onto your back and staring up at the ceiling, trying to will the moment away. “I didn’t chicken out!”
Ruben’s grin only widened. “Oh, no? Because I distinctly remember someone standing there, about to take off their shirt and then suddenly..” he snapped his fingers. “Boom. They changed their mind.”
You closed your eyes, mortified as the flashback hit you.
It had started out as a joke, a little bit of fun to keep the night interesting. After he’d gotten the phone number and claimed victory, you had fully intended to follow through. You’d made your way back to his place, still feeling the buzz of the alcohol and the excitement of the night. The playful energy had carried over and soon enough, you were standing in the middle of his living room, giggling as you toyed with the hem of your shirt.
“I can’t believe I’m actually doing this.” you had laughed, glancing over at Ruben, who had leaned back against the couch, arms crossed, his eyes glinting with amusement.. and something else.
“Go on then.” he had teased, clearly enjoying watching you squirm. “Don’t hold back.”
You had slowly started to lift your shirt, exposing your stomach as you swayed to the imaginary music, your confidence wavering. But then, just as the shirt had reached your ribs, your nerve had faltered. The heat in Ruben’s gaze, the way he was looking at you with such intensity.. it had made your stomach flip. You’d yanked the shirt back down and burst out laughing, backing away as you muttered something about needing more drinks.
And now, in the morning light, that laughable moment felt much less funny.
Ruben leaned closer, his face inches from yours as he tried to meet your eyes. “So, what was it, huh? You get cold feet? Realised you couldn’t handle the pressure?”
You pushed him away, though you couldn’t help but smile. “Oh, shut up. I just.. I wasn’t in the mood, ok?”
“Sure, sure.” he said, the smirk never leaving his face. “Or maybe, you just couldn’t handle the idea of me seeing you lose twice in one night.”
You threw a pillow at him, which he caught with ease. “Oh, please. You’re so full of yourself.”
“Hey, don’t be mad at me because you couldn’t follow through on your own bet.” he teased, standing up and tossing the pillow back onto the bed. “But don’t worry, I’m not gonna hold it over you.. much.”
You rolled your eyes, sitting up and wrapping the blanket around your shoulders. “You’re enjoying this way too much.”
“Can you blame me?” he asked, flashing that mischievous grin again. “Seeing you all flustered is worth more than any striptease, honestly.”
You tossed another pillow at him, laughing despite yourself. “Alright, alright. I admit it. I chickened out.”
Ruben’s expression softened slightly, though the teasing glint never fully left his eyes. “Don’t worry, amiga. I won’t tell anyone.” he mimed zipping his lips. “Our little secret.”
“Gee, thanks.” you said dryly, though you couldn’t stop the smile from tugging at your lips.
He shrugged, standing up and heading toward the door. “Well, I’ll let you recover from your defeat in peace. But, just so you know..” he paused in the doorway, glancing back at you. “Next time you make a bet, make sure you’re ready to back it up.”
You rolled your eyes again but your heart did a little flip at the way he winked before disappearing down the hallway. You sank back into the pillows with a sigh, the teasing memory lingering in the air.
Maybe next time, you’d make a bet you could actually win, or maybe, just maybe, you’d be ready to see it through.
:)
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hi! anonymous asker here, I made an account to post about why I initially thought I was Lion. This is going to start off like me trying to argue it's wrong but that's not what it is. It's also long af, sorry for that, I wrote it out for myself to process it then went back and realized there was a literal question it was in response to. longafness after link, tl;dr: I value and rely on my gut feelings heavily, can't make myself ignore them, but I want them to be predictable and it's uncomfortable when they get out of line
So I felt confident about Lion, and with Badger or Snake, it was "I wouldn't like it but I could see it." Like with Snake, I love me some hedonism and struggle with selfishness - had assumed both those characters were huge Snakes lol - but find it as a whole to be a very "fuck you, I got mine" mentality. Sucks for those strangers in need with no one to come through for them! Like I have STRONG feelings about this, I don't understand how people don't find it horrifying. I actually have a weird opposite thing where I can get FURIOUS on behalf of strangers being mistreated, even hypothetical or fictional ones, in a way I don't for people I know well or even myself. Which is why I thought Badger was possible and maybe I just was resistant due to being burned or because I thought it was boring, but the unpersoning group thing creeps me out. "All people matter… except the ones that don't." It's so close to being really beautiful!
With Bird it was more, "who even does this?" Like with the Bird answer on the "lack of objective truth" question, "it's OK, I thought about it and reality is close enough to the model in my head", that is literally incomprehensible to me as a way a person would think. (My answer was "actually there is objective truth." That was my answer before I even got through the question.)
The main reason why I thought Bird was impossible is the "choosing to care about something" part. I can't do that. Caring about things is not something I can turn on or off at will, even if I want to. At least not important things as opposed to say hobbies, but even then I can't just go "ok self, you're gonna like football now because I said so" and then actually do. It's an organic process, I can kick it off but ultimately I either care or don't care, and if I don't then the farthest I'm gonna get is pretending, or lying to myself while knowing it's a lie. Definitely can't talk myself into caring about a job, god knows I've tried lol. My likes and dislikes are so fundamental to who I am as a person, so sacred even, that the idea that they are deliberately malleable for other people is just, whaaaaa?
Where this really kicks in is friends and relationships, I cannot deliberately make myself like someone I dislike or dislike someone I like, people generally don't grow more attractive to me over time. and it'd make me sad, like relationship-foundation-shakingly sad, if I found out my friends/partner felt that way with me. like they had to try to like me rather than just like me.
I'm not really a logical person either. I start with the conclusion, which is generally based on feelings, and then hope I can justify it in case I ever have to talk about it. (because arguing is stressful enough when I do have a defensible stance let alone when I can't explain it) I have this irrational but unshakeable assumption that my feelings and thoughts should just agree completely. When they don't, that feels bad, but my gut has veto power. To fully talk myself into or out of opinions I have to actually feel good about them, they have to not feel viscerally wrong, or else things get into an uncomfortable self-judging place where I know I should believe something but don't actually, truly, deep down, believe it. Or where none of the stances feel right, that's even more "fun".
A good example of that is actually the "past self is a different person" thing. My past self is still me, the things I did or thought in the past do not disappear just because I've changed nor do their permanent effects on me. I absolutely feel guilty about things I used to believe, and sure some of that is just the cringe of people knowing about it, but even if no one else knew I'd know and that's enough. And yet… I also theoretically believe in rehabilitation and think it's wrong not to, but apparently I actually don't, because that sure isn't something a person who believes in rehabilitation would say! I'm being flippant but this legitimately bothers me, especially because the idea of not believing in rehabilitation feels even more bad.
What convinced me ultimately: I'm not a Trump supporter, obviously. I would like to think it is absolutely impossible for me to become a Trump supporter. But that's what they all say, people become the things they would never EVER become all the time. Which led me to this question: Would it be worse to deliberately choose to do something wrong, or to slowly stop believing it's wrong without realizing? Or does that distinction even matter? Feel free to substitute something less extreme, like working for an evil company, bullying, cheating, selling out, betraying a friend, whatever line you would never cross.
And my answer is actually that the latter is wayyy more disturbing. I'm really big on owning and naming your beliefs and desires. It's a great way to get your conscience to kick in, to actually say it out loud then see how good or bad that felt. Same principle as how, if someone makes a racist joke, you act confused and ask them to explain it to you.
So the former would be gross, like fuck any person who would do it; but at least I could be conscious of the fact that I am choosing to do an evil thing for the sake of, I don't know, stonks. I would be engaged in the process, my conscience would be involved despite being ignored, and I would hope I would feel disgusted with myself forever. (Even considering the possibility is kind of disgusting.) But slowly having your beliefs erode over time into something bad… how do you stop that? How do you do ANYTHING about that? Shit what if it's happening right now? Even if the shift was in the opposite direction and I slowly became a better person without trying… I guess that's good? Can't argue with it being a net positive? But it feels unearned and unreliable, if you can sleepwalk forward you can sleepwalk back.
So that's conscious vs. unconscious I guess. Also I wrote and revised a ton of words to answer the question so there's that too.
bird primary + burnt snake secondary
tl;dr: Fairly sure I'm Lion primary (maybe burned Badger since I sort of envy the idea of close communities, or hedonistic Snake, not sure where that line is)
(the way that divide works out is that basically, Burnt Badgers look like Snakes. They have the Snake's small community, but wish they could cast their net wider. Hedonistic Snakes tend to be more solo, and much more focused on /stuff/. Also, both options make pretty good short-term coping mechanisms.)
but unsure whether my secondary is Bird, Snake/burned Snake, or burned Lion.
I love researching and reverse-engineering and my immediate response to situations is to Google advice, but reactively, not proactively. I am allergic to planning, and prepwork feels stifling and unnatural.
Ooooh, have we got a single-player Environment Snake? (I also think of these as MacGyver Snakes.) Basically just pulling at the things around you in order to solve the problem at hand.
I studied math in college then did a coding bootcamp, and I always felt adrift because both only taught memorizing solutions to individual problems/proofs, not how to solve unfamiliar ones -- i.e., really learning.
However, I neither consider myself flexible nor want to be, and singleplayer Snake is wayyyyyyyyyyyy more comfortable than stuff involving other people. (Complicating factor: not neurotypical.)
I think I can say, pretty confidently, that this system works just fine if you're not neurotypical. :) There's no reason you have to use the multi-player version if you don't want. The most dramatic single/multi player divide is probably Bookkeeper Badger vs Courtier Badger, and there are lots of people who prefer being just one or the other.
I do the "faces" thing reflexively, in the moment, but it doesn't feel like "shifting" or "becoming" anything: just me, lying.
That's Snake. "Becoming" is more of a word that a Courtier Badger would use, they kinda do have to believe it, or it doesn't work. Snake secondaries are a lot more aware of what they're doing, in the moment.
It's interesting that you are just straight-up using the word lie though. In my experience, Snakes are more likely to conceptualize that particular problem-solving strategy as "say it in a way they'll listen to," or something like that. You might just be super direct (and/or like hanging out in Neutral) buuuut... the negativity of "lie" can sometimes point to a Burnt secondary. No sign of that yet, but I'll keep an eye out for it.
I don't have a moral problem with lying; it's often even right since a) telling the truth often hurts people, and b) people do prefer it: most people want to hear what they want to hear, and if that happens to be the truth that's great.
Hmmm. This is sounding like primary stuff. And it's quite reasoned out, which makes me interested in hearing why you went for Lion primary instead of Bird.
But deep down, I guess I resent it. I wish that when I say what I mean it would convince people rather than create problems. I try to ration that to only things that REALLY matter to me, but tbh many things do. I hate arguing.
What I'm hearing here is the Bird primary fantasy of "If I was only able to explain it exactly right, in precisely the right words, then everyone would agree with me." And as you say earlier, it doesn't actually work like that. It sounds like you're feeling a bit cynical in regards to other people a the moment, and I can't exactly blame you.
I would love to be an inspirational secondary but I am bad at inspiring people.
There is definitely some burnt secondary talk going on here.
Family: I'm not close to my father -- he’s a terrible person, serial cheater, racist, etc. I'm closer to my mother, and don't think she's a bad person, but both parents were hypercritical and have horrible tempers, so my childhood felt horrible to live through since I was always getting yelled at or having corporal punishment used for doing something wrong.
Definitely seeing where the burned secondary energy is coming from, if so many of your formative experiences involved being told that the way you were doing things was wrong. I also see why you might have at least a fascination with the confident, firey, speak-your-truth-and-damn-the-consequences Lion secondary.
(On paper this could be called abusive, and anyone else being subjected to this makes me furious, but I'm not fully comfortable with the label for my situation, even though I know that's inconsistent.)
I understand, and I appreciate that. I also appreciate your carefully articulated position, and it's slanting me in the direction of Bird primary. Even though this is obviously a topic you are very emotional about, all those emotions are arranged within the framework of thought. You're aware of and okay the fact that you feel all kinds of different ways about what happened.
Any secondary model came from my mom, but I don't know about primary. She always says my sister and I are "the most important things in her life." (One of the reasons I don’t want kids is that I don’t think I could ever believe or promise them that.) She ostensibly also hates my father and their divorce was vicious, but she kept working for him until he retired, goes on trips with him to see my sister or me, and pressured me for years to un-estrange him because “after all, he’s family” until I gave in and now pretend to have a relationship just enough to placate them. I don't have any ethical problems doing this, it's just irritating.
That is very, very unusual family dynamic. Have to get my head around that. Your mom may have some very intense Badger going on, especially with the the whole "after all, he's family" thing. That could fit go with a nasty divorce, especially if she thought his presence was a threat to you and your sister. On the other hand, she might just be able to compartmentalize to an insane degree, which would probably point to Bird secondary.
I don't understand this aspect of my mom; I observe it happening, but I don't understand it. It feels kind of sad, in an existential way.
Honestly, I agree.
(Another way my dad sucks is that he played favorites with my sister and I, me being the favorite.
Being the Golden Child sucks just as much as being the Problem Child.
The shitty resulting dynamic is I only "care about" his approval to avoid him creating drama that ripples to everyone around him -- he's gotten better but he has literally started shit when I didn't end emails with "love" -- but my sister actually cares about his approval, and it hurts her.)
Secondary-wise, my mom would always harp on me to "pay attention to the people and things around you," and whenever I tell her about solving problems in Snakeish ways she's like "way to go, [me]!" But she also is meticulously planned and scheduled and organized, and hates surprises and not knowing exactly what will happen. She's the kind of person who gets frustrated in April when I haven’t told her my Thanksgiving itinerary, which, like... I don't want to think that far ahead.
She could be either Prep-work secondary, Bird or Badger. If she's a Bird, "pay attention to the people and things around you," points to a a Rapid-Fire Bird (which can look *very* Snakey.) Or it could be a way of describing Courtier Badger. Being that scheduled is more often a Bird thing... but I could also imagine a Badger manifesting like that, especially if she is so concerned with specifically planning holidays.
Low-stakes/high-stakes problem that felt good: This is a high-stakes problem containing a low-stakes problem. I'm rolling them together because they illustrate both aspects of my problem solving.
Higher stakes: That coding bootcamp required being on Zoom 8 hours every day. But I had 3 roommates (part of why I did it was to not have 3 roommates), and they didn't want me there that much. I can't go to coffee shops because either they're loud, or I will make them loud by talking for 8 hours, thus becoming the problem. Coworking spaces are expensive af. I even consider renting a storage unit but I don't think they have power and wifi. The idea I settle on is sneaking onto a nearby college campus: preferably the CS building, to blend in. I scour the college subreddit for posts about what buildings let students in without ID, then scout them out (this is March, the thing doesn't start until May, I'm just high on must-solve-now energy). After ~15 minutes (lol) of walking through campus I decide I've had enough, seems doable. The day of, I leave early in case I have to give up and go home, but that turned out to be completely pointless because tailgating in is shockingly easy. Like it's scary how easy it is. One day a security officer stopped me but even he eventually let me in after I acted increasingly frazzled and panicked -- not ENTIRELY an act but I definitely was playing it up.
I like this story. And I feel good about saying that it is QUITE snakey: what do I have immediately around me, and how can I use it to get what I want in this moment? Even little details like - you're not bothering to come up with a cover story or borrow/forge someone's ID. If you're caught you'll talk your way out of it. You did a little research, then scoped the place out, then were good to go.
Lower stakes: I usually did classes from an empty auditorium (students weren't supposed to be there but no one checked, and also I'm not a student right?). The whiteboard's eraser stand was a few inches away from the wall, and one day I drop my phone in the gap. Shit. The gap's way too high to reach down. I can't ask anyone for help because I'm already 2 layers deep of being somewhere I'm not supposed to be. The stand screws to the wall, but I don't have a screwdriver because who just carries a screwdriver around? (For whatever reason, going to a hardware store didn't occur to me.) I stare at the thing until I realize: I am literally in the ENGINEERING building. I search various offices, ask people for a screwdriver, but no luck. Then I see a board listing the departments. One floor has a "makerspace," and somehow, its door is wide open (the student lounge is locked down but the room with deadly power tools isn't, ???) I grab 5 sizes of screwdriver, then also grab duct tape and a ruler to fish my phone out in case the screwdrivers don't work, which turned out to be a good idea because they didn't
Sounds to me to me like you just MacGyvered a solution :D
One thing I am picking up on is your subtle critique of the existing rules/systems. Getting in via tailgateing is easier than it should be, talking your way past the guard was too easy. The door with the powertools really should be locked, etc. It's making me (again) think Bird primary for you. You've very tuned into the way things run, and how well designed (or not) that is. There's also just a little bit of Birdy rules-lawyer in "Students aren't allowed in this room, but I'm not a student (because I snuck in.)"
Hard decision-making process…. I don’t know. I don’t experience many decisions as hard. I often know what I want to do right away; the difficult part is doing it.
In the language of this system, that's a Burnt secondary.
Or I know what I should do, am obligated to do, have no choice but to do, etc., though sometimes it feels miserable or wrong, like resignation.
Unfortunately that is what it feels like to have a Burnt primary - you just use whatever problem-solving strategy you can at random, since they all feel like a chore and it doesn't really matter.
I can feel proud of making certain "right" choices in an abstract self-congratulatory way, but I never like it or really feel good about it. I either act on something immediately or put it off until the decision makes itself, a drop-dead deadline approaches, I get bored/impulsive enough to do it on the spot, or I suddenly swerve my life toward something I like better.
You're definitely an Improvisational secondary. Which is really fine, even though I know it doesn't feel that way all the time when you come from a family of intense Prep-work people. Just keep an eye on that 'wait until the deadline' impulse. It's very, very common for neurodivergent people to use that last-minute stress adrenaline to kind of hack their brain, and it's not sustainable.
I'd wanted to change careers for years but the actual decision to do the bootcamp was an impulse based on ~3 hours' research the day I encountered it.
That can absolutely work though. You *are* working on the problem and mulling it over in your head long term, even if you are (in the words of another snake secondary) "waiting for the opportune moment."
This is all healthy and well-adjusted, and it definitely has never caused any predictable problems! (Did get a job though.)
Hey, if it's stupid and it works, it's not stupid.
My fantasy: To be successful and well-known in my field; to create the kind of art I want to create and have it be respected/influential. To live the life I want, with the aesthetic I want, and the opportunities from others and follow-through from me to achieve that. The details vary based on the field but that's the general template.
I'd say that's a very human fantasy, without too many details that slant me one way or the other, in terms of this system. There's definitely a focus on the community around you and how you relate to it/integrate into it. And that makes me think Bird (the external primary) is more likely than Lion (the internal primary.)
Characters: I relate to characters who are flawed in the same ways I am -- they feel like cautionary tales -- or sometimes via empathizing in a way the story doesn’t (Carlotta from Phantom got done DIRTY).
It's interesting that you respond to characters who the narrative framing doesn't support, because the narrative framing doesn't support them. I guess that does fit with your interest in constructed systems, and if they're useful/functional or not. Which points to Bird.
On that big pop culture character test I always get Hannah from Girls and Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica: harsh, but not wrong.
(I always get Inara from Firefly and Céline from Before Sunrise.)
It's been a second since I've seen Girls or Battlestar Galactica, but I do think that both of those characters are Bird Snakes, which is honestly impressive since Bird Snakes are easily the least common fictional archetype.
Baltar is clever, adaptive, reactive, he pulls from around him. He also bluffs and will *act* like he's an expert when he really isn't. A lot of his internal conflict revolves around extremely Bird primary rationalization - is this situation really his fault? and if it is, what is he morally/rationally supposed to do about it (if anything?) "Voice of *a* generation" Hannah also has this way of getting caught in her own feedback loops when trying to figure herself out. One of my favorite moments is the bit where she loses her purse on the way back from the wedding, and then rides the train all the way to Coney Island, sits on the beach and eats the slice of wedding cake while watching the sun rise. I think that's beautiful, and a very Snake secondary response.
I also gravitate toward a specific archetype: Blanche from A Streetcar Named Desire, Madame Bovary, Violetta from La Traviata. People who desire an impossible thing deeply and unshakably, temporarily achieve it, and are taken down dramatically.
Now that, I'm thinking is a story structure that you like. And/or you're drawn to these tragic great ladies, living most of the way in a fantasy world. It's a good, cathartic archetype.
What makes me feel powerful: I don’t really resonate with that framing. The closest is that feeling like I have no options is the same for me as feeling powerless.
Okay, "not feeling powerless," I'll take it. And we're back to that Burnt secondary again. I'm hoping you'll leave your Snake a little more room to breathe and play, because it seems like you're a pretty capable person. You manage to do the things you want to get done, and you have an excellent awareness of what are good and bad situations, both for you and just in general.
Thank you to anonymous for such an excellent submission. If you'd like a Sorting of your very own, commissions are open on my ko-fi. :D
If you'd like to read more about the system I'm using, my explanation is right here.
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Chapter 20 of Timeline of Theseus is now live!
#timeline of theseus#the magnus archives#IT TOOK MONTHS OF SCROUNDING FOR A SCRAP OF FREE TIME WHERE I WASNT EXHAUSTED BUT I DID IT#AND BI-EYE I WILL FINISH THIS BEHEMOTH ONE DAY YOU MARK MY WORDS#this I SWEAR#I am going to eventually evict all these scenes that live inside my brain rent free#FREELOADERS GET OUT ONTO THE PAGE ALREADY#we are getting closer to the end though! which is exciting and scary#ok it’s my definition of close but STILL#we’re not close in terms of word count but we are close in terms of vibes
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hot take moment cwilbur is literally just psychotic as all hell and i think people got way too comfortable villianizing the shit out of a man who was clearly portraying signs of severe mental illness. cwilbur was like im so fucking paranoid and scared and i think everyone is out to get me and hurt me and ive spiralled to the point i cant reach out to the people closest to me because im so afraid and lost in this spiral and im having constant panic attacks and hurting myself because i dong know what to do with myself and the only way out for me is to die. and everybody was like EVIL MAN WHO ENJOYS HURTING OTHERS AND IS ABUSIVE ON PURPOSE AND A VILLAIN AND SHOULD NEVER BE TRUSTED AGAIN. and then he came back and was like im still deeply troubled and afraid but im desperately trying to make up for the wrongs i did in the past and the people i hurt in my own way and communication is really hard for me but i hope people know that im truely sorry and i love them. im going to try my hardest to fix this in the only way i know how and then respectfully remove myself from the situation because i feel thats the kindest thing i can do to the people ive hurt. and people were like ABUSER ABUSER ABUSER EVIL MAN ABUSER. like girl
Yeah no based true real no questions asked
I'd hope I manage to portray Wilbur the way he deserves in my content, cause that man is heavily bpd coded and he just needs therapy and someone who genuinely loves him but also can handle his bullshit (which has exclusively and reliably been Quackity like, canonically)
But yeah no completely agreed. The man has issues and has definitely fucked up a lot but at the end of the day he really does need love and care and patience, but also boundaries (and therapy and meds, obviously)
#i deeeefinitely have no reason to have strong feelings about bpd bitches deserving love and care and stability ha ha nooo it's definitely-#-not like I've been dating one for well over 4 years now and even though we've been through so much shit together and I still can't-#-understand why people with bpd and conditions that have similar symptoms are so demonised. It just makes no sense to me.#my bf is the love of my life and i can't imagine /not/ supporting it through all the splitting and episodes and all of that cause they're-#-absolutely worth everything#i don't know not to be too gay on main but tbf it's too late now anyway i think--#is it unstable? sure. but it's also the most caring and loving person i've ever been close with and it always makes sure i'm ok#and it loves me so undeniably deeply no matter what purely for who i am#i've never had anyone care about me this much and this genuinely and this unconditionally - it'd always be what /they/ can get out of /me/#but my boyfriend just cares about me - the actual me - no matter if i'm acting how it imagined i'd act. what matters is if i'm /me/#listen bpd isn't sunshine and rainbows - we've been through some TERRIBLE shit (including s-cide attempts)#but when people claim it makes a relationship toxic/abusive it's so stupid cause ultimately with mutual love support and reassurance-#-and professional help you can have a genuinely happy and healthy life with someone with bpd#love isn't mean to be easy. it's meant to be safe and supportive and genuine but a relationship always takes effort and work on both sides#you should never sacrifice your well being of course!#but when love takes effort and extra care it doesn't inherently mean it's unhealthy or toxic or abusive. it just means you're people.#tldr if you love someone then don't care about some diagnosis - care about the actual perso.#ask#asks#ask fern#tntduo#dsmp#tnt duo#wilbur soot#quackity#quackbur#dream smp#tntblr#c!quackbur#c!tntduo
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at the risk of sounding like really entitled….
does anyone else have a fic that is their most popular, but you don’t want it to be, because you don’t think it deserves it, and you have better stuff, and while ofc you are grateful that people like something you wrote, it’s almost annoying that for some reason That one is the most popular. lmao
#for me it’s this like time travel shenanigans ml fic called Why Are You Like This#which I had a ton of fun writing and I like the fic#but I also tend to forget about it lol#and then I see that it’s my most popular one and I’m like ‘not but this isn’t even in my top 5 favorite fics I’ve written. why’ hdjsjs#it’s probably closer to the bottom of the top 10? and I do not have that many fics hahaha#I remember rooting so hard for tell me something I don’t know to surpass it in kudos#which it eventually DID and I was so happy#but then later WAYLS passed up tms again lol#and I was slightly annoyed to realize that WAYLS was my first to break 5k kudos#while tms still hasn’t#it’s very close tho I need like. 2 more#ok ok sorry this definitely sounds super entitled DHDKDK#I promise I am VERY grateful for every fic interaction!! every kudos or comment I’ve ever received!!#thank you thank you to anyone who has ever read my stuff💜#I just think this is kind of funny#cause I keep scratching my head wondering why that one is the top fic#I think ppl just rly enjoy time travel stuff?#also I did it as a gift for yunyin based on one of her comics so that probably boosted it haha#anyway
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Oh ok. I get now why a lot of people didn't vibe with the ending.
All and all: excellent manga, overall very good final act, too rushed final 2-3 chapters but weak and honestly mediocre epilogue, which makes the high of the ending kind of leave a bitter taste. I think Noda had a good steed and suddenly he had to finish and had to rush all. So the ending in the sense of the final arc was good but the ending proper (final couple chapters) + epilogue......... Not so much
#i liked rhe ending (though made the mistake to read comments so now I'm like 'yeah you are right that did not make sense' when on my own i#probably would not have noticed. but ok. I'll work my suspension of disbelief. HOWEVER the epilogue WAS indeed very lackluster#i get it's an epilogue but it was so rushed. we barely get a closure for ume and saichi and tanigaki did not get to#take asirpa back to uci as he should have (though he was instrumental for that). overall it was super rushed#like we did not even see how Sugimoto was rescued. the epilogue was faaaar too rushed tbh and also too vague in parts#siraishi not really saying goodbye.... also sugimoto and asirpa living together that's cute idc and i think the line into nastyness was not#crossed but oh boy is it a thin thread... i still choose to believe they are platonic soulmates lol but i want to see an official#translation of the volume that's all i say. what else... oh yes. the way the gold never got to actually be distributed doesn't sit right#with me at all but the worst part was definitely the sugimoto/ume thing oh god that was BAD#we did get to see osoma which was cute#OH AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON VASILY??? We didn't even see him. the epoligue for him in particular was great though but his ending was not#like he just hanged around ogata gor chapters and chapters on end and we don't even get a glimpse of him during the final showdown??#tbh i think noda wanted to do something more with him but realized he did not quite fit into the story and in the end got#caught up with all the main lines he did have to close and he obviously had planned and probably combined with his own exhaustion well#did not go nice for vasily! i also would have liked a more proper epilogue for tsukishima and koito. they deserved it#I don't like how pre-epilogue the tsukishima-tsurumi-koito tension seems to reach a breaking point only to kind of not get resolved because#they have to keep fighting lol.#laura reads#also i get the sentiment of the ending regarding the ainu and i think noda did his best but it seems like a rather soft thing for asirpa to#do like... sure. museums and stuff. i GET it but it goes a little too soft in the actual colonialism that went on from the japanese. i feel#noda starts off fairly critical of that but in the end softens his stance which is a shame but ok. the bar is in hell so this is actually#much better than average from what i can personally gather of my little knowledge#golden kamuy#gk spoilers
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Can I offer a protective Allan in these trying times?
CW: Being a burden/annoying
WC: 505
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Sakharine scoffed. “That idiotic and obstinate mindset of yours will land you at the bottom of the sea.” His tone turned sweet, persuasive. “Come now, be sensible! A man like Allan does not have the patience to have a child following him around asking questions. He has no time for such annoying burdens.”
Allan expected another sharp remark. Maybe even physical violence, as Shadow had shown an affinity for both. But Shadow’s response was far more sickening and left a hollow ache deep in Allan’s chest.
Shadow flinched.
Allan exchanged a glance with Tom, who stared back with a mix of pain and anger.
Guess I know one of her weaknesses now.
Allan felt no triumph in the revelation, just a sinking feeling in the pit in his stomach. He despised empty victories, and this was certainly one of those.
“Enough,” he growled.
He tried pulling Shadow back into him, hoping to offer some comfort. Some reassurance that that wasn’t how he viewed her at all.
But Shadow jerked out of his grip, heading for the door and shoving Tom out of the way as the man tried to comfort her. The door slammed behind her, Tom wincing at the sound.
“Tom,” Allan ordered. “Keep an eye on her.”
Tom nodded and quickly left the room, yelling Shadow’s name.
Allan turned to Sakharine, itching to drive his fist through the man’s skull or maybe put a bullet through it. “What the fuck was that about?” he spat.
Sakharine threw him a scornful look. “Mind you tongue-“
“Mind your own,” Allan interrupted. “Shadow is not a burden to me, or anyone else on this crew!” His voice rose, white-hot anger burning just beneath his skin. “You have no right to treat her like that because you’re pissy that she doesn’t trip over herself trying to appease you!”
“Look at that, the mutineer has a soft spot,” Sakharine sneered. He prodded Allan with his cane, the blade still sheathed but the threat still very much present. “Mind how you speak. That girl may know the events, but she doesn’t know the location of the treasure. Any loyalty to her or faith in her is misguided and ill-placed.”
Allan stepped forward, and felt a deep sense of satisfaction as fear flickered in Sakharine’s eyes and the older man staggered back. “Don’t think for a second I won’t kill you,” he warned, voice now deadly soft. “Don’t think for a second your money or status makes you invulnerable. I could give the word and my crew would tear apart without hesitation.” His next words scarcely rose above a whisper. “While you’re still alive.”
“Get… get away from me,” Sakharine choked out, the crack in his voice destroying any visage of bravery.
“You may control the money, and the law, but you do not control me.” Allan straightened and turned away. “You would do well to remember that, boss.” Spitting the last word like poison, he stormed out of the room and slammed the door so hard the window shattered.
#yeah deep rooted fears that you’re just a burden to everyone around you#coupled with trust issues that makes you think no one is genuine in their affection for you#fucking SUCK#but anyways#karaboudjan#tintin 2011#allan thompson#oc_shadow#tom karaboudjan#anachronism fic#am I ok?#lol nope#but a close buddy did give me a reality check so that helped a bit#still#Anachronism definitely steps into the ugly side of anxiety/depression/trust issues#but my raw emotions in fics have helped people before
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I’m becoming who I’m meant to be, slowly.
I’m inhabiting my body as a home as I make it such that it is a home for me.
💖😌✨
Also it’s a lovely studio! Masks required, hepa filters running, quiet area, but still near a bus route, was quiet once some of the people left (my artist was also super surprised that all of the tables were in use when they arrived at the shop too!!) and even though we didn’t chat (they put in their faq basically that they often forget to chat so bring headphones or whatever to do while they work) it wasn’t awkward or anything. It felt like such a safe space and I adore it so much :) (and it’s more local to get to than the other one that I’m definitely also going to go back to too at some point hopefully this year) (yay local queer owned covid cautious studios!!!!!)
#shatters’ tattoos#shatters’ fragments#ok time to eat something else#bc it’s been a while since my last meal even if I took breaks while tattoo#had a juice box for the first break before we drew the plant in there#and then before we did my leg while they were printing out the design I had a granola bar and water#and then afterwards I had a chocolate bar and another juice box and water#and then for the buses home I just had some water between buses but considered if I wanted a fourth juice box today but I didn’t really#but now I’m a bit hungry#today was fucking WEIRD at first#like popping in real quick to work?!?#class!! which I’m actually SUPER EXCITED for and about its great so far#and then walked around with a classmate who’s probably now my friend and popped into a bookstore#but it was super hot by then too#so I went off to get close to the studio#and had sushi in the shade of the parking lot before walking over#and trying to like. drink water and stay hydrated before going in#was definitely intimidated by how many people were in the shop at first#they said that it was highly unusual for all chairs/tables to be in use at once#(and they own the place!!)#but it’s such a lovely and welcoming space tbh#I’ve been to the studio once before for a market#but this is the first time I’ve been while it’s set up as a tattoo studio (it’s usual use)#and it’s just so good 💖#truly made my day really nice at the end#finally got to cool down quite a bit once I was sitting still and then laying down for the tattoos#(…actually I’m a little annoyed I paid $9 for coffee this morning actually but alas anyway)#and it was just. SO NICE#similar vibes but like cozier than the other shop I go to#it has less tables and its more private and accessibility is a huge thing there
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so was anyone going to tell me not to watch all the way through the credits sequence on season 3 because they include very specific credits for things from future episodes or was I supposed to simply get spoiled for 2 things myself 🥲
#im a LITTLE bit annoyed but this is mostly a psa for anyone else who hasn’t binged the entire thing already#don’t look at the credits…definitely don’t look at the later episode synopses#finding out that the ideal hilda s3 experience is to click the netflix icon and close ur eyes til u hear the intro music start#ok BUT is it just me that’s confused by them often crediting actors that weren’t In That Episode#the funniest example is the witch ep in s2 where. gerda. of all characters gets a main chars credit and kaisa who the episode is about#is still lost over there in additional voices obscurity#‘additional voices’ it’s HER EPISODE 😭#that was a tangent. anyway#my fault for trying to find more of my coworkers in the credits. victim of my own hubris and so on#anyway the spoiler thing is fiiiine. it just would’ve been cool as a surprise I guess 🥲
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honestlyyyy i lowkey need to burn down my smartphone
#so close to deleting all my social media apps. yes that does include tumblr.#but its like. ok i get info abt upcoming events in my area via instagram. ig i could delete facebook but i dont even use it that much#so like guess i could delete it but whats the point#tumblr is definitely eating up a ton of my time but also where would i be without it.#cannot delete it at least until i have my physical diary on me again#i also follow a bunch of journalists on insta but ig i could just keep up with their stuff over at like. the actual agencies they publish in#some of it is paywalled and i dont neccessarily respect the agency as a whole to give it money but. well cope i guess#ao3 is not a social media platform but i do spend an embarassing amount of time using it#and i know i could spend that time reading like. actual books. which i am lowkey struggling with!!#but like if im reading 40k word fanfics then it means i do have an attention span for reading long form fiction#its just that a story with a setting and characters im already familiar with is much easier to 'get into' than something totally new#and like i do know it cause once i got hooked on the witcher saga last summer i literally read all 5 novels within a few days!!#like the attention span IS there. its just that the - to put it in a nerdy way - activation energy feels much higher than it used to#like the hardest part is truly to start!!!#sooo like idk. might delete this godforsaken app starting oct 1st. probably would still log on via desktop#but limiting my tumblr screen time would be sooo good for me. and like im considering giving myself an alotted time for some stuff#like ao3 etc. this simply cannot continue.#thots
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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !
#speculation nation#negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february#actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when#so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh#i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it#and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it#and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found#but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots#which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies
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new pjo is actually rlly rlly good so far!!!
#credits to westley for the disney+ login <3#but yeah the kid they cast as percy did a really good job#i’m still a little bitter they casted him white but it’s ok bc i think this kid is really gonna grow into the role#and i’m just glad they cast a kid who can actually pass as 12 years old#in my heart he will always be afro latino#plus they cast a black girl as annabeth!!!!!! and they made grover and chiron poc too which is wayyy more than i expected#although i wish they had given annabeth blonde braids that wouldve been so cute#but overall they seem to be sticking pretty closely to the source material which i think is definitely the best choice#especially given how shit the movies were#but i like the writing so far n i’m really excited to see where they take it!!!#jude.txt
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Wolf: My lord.
Genichiro *looking like he’s about to have an aneurism*: Don’t ever call me that again.”
*Wolf & his dead eyed stare*: Of course, my lord.
“Your the reason I’m going to be dead before I’m thirty.”
#wolf sekiro#genichiro ashina#sekiro#sekiro shadows die twice#I meant it in an already lovers thing but interpret however you want#either way Genichiro would still have an aneurism#out of anger or something else#Genichiro’s probably close to thirty maybe a little older#Wolf’s definitely over thirty#has all those beautiful wrinkles but sadly not my favorite crows feet#crows feet are really attractive ok
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went to the beach w kp & 4 other indian friends & 3 of us had NEVER surfed before girl WHEW it’s SO fun literally only 20quid to rent a wetsuit & board & i fucking smashed my toes on the sand so much, but also we 1) got the wrong tickets so we got off 1 stop early 2) went to find a bus & the bus that was supposed to be 15 min turned into an HOUR 3) on our way to find a bus back everyone’s phones are dying or dead bc it took us 3hrs longer to get there, cigarettes are out 4) all of the shops in town are closed & the town seems to have ONLY a tesco extra & 1 off license that sells a PACK FOR 15.65 A PACK WHICH IS FUCKING CRIMINAL ITS CHEAPER TO BUY IT FROM TESCO ARE U INSANE 5) the bus back to the other town kept skipping us bc the bus stop wasn’t the ACTUAL bus stop - i had 1 bowl since literally 11a & we got back at fucking 11p 😭😭��
#diary#i was honestly abt to strangle EVERYBODY#‘do u have a cigarette’ ‘where’s ur vape’ ‘where are we going’ ‘which bus is it’ ‘do u have a ___’ ‘did u bring ___’ girl what am i DORA w#the magic fuckin BACKPACK ??? while ur UP MY ASS dig around & SEE IF SMTHGS IN THERE 😭😭😭😭#i literally broke sobriety again bc i was just#girl i was so agitated & there was 1 TRAIN LEFT BEFORE 11P so we needed to get the 2ND TO LAST BUS OF THE DAY#i deadass was like ‘if we miss that train i will make sure u all go blind’ ‘did u bring a knife’ ‘I DONT NEED 1’#AKSJAKSKAKKSJSKSSJAKJSKAHSKSHDLASKAKDLA#LIKE U BITCHES SMOKED ALL MY CIGARETTES MY VAPES DEAD MY PHONES DYING UR ALL DRUNK IM GOING TO KILL YALL 😭😭😭😭😭#<- me knowing i could never be a parent#tbh if i caught my kid smoking a cig id make em do the ol ‘im going to sit down in front of u w a fresh box of cigarettes & make u finish#the box or pass out’#YES IM STRICT#i think it’s so funny ok unrelated but like they’ll speak hindi & i’ve just#learned it through being around them kind of like i can’t speak it except for some word u know like matachot etc but i’ll Understand the#Context & what’s being Said#ASLKALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSLA like while waiting for the train back 1 of them was talking abt me being a fool to the others - literally they’re#all indian & i had walked away so when i walked back he was still talkin but then i started giggling bc i knew he was talkin abt me & how i#pinched a bit of the kebab to throw to the seagull bc he offered it to me & i needed to bait the seagull w something & i pinched & tossed &#& he looked at me like 😦 bhenchod ! & then the seagull came over & i was like :D hi bestie <3333 but then when i started giggling after i#walked back he was like ‘what the fuck does he just know hindi now’#it makes me laugh so fucking HARD 😭😭😭😭😭 LIKE FUCK U I LIKE TO PARTICPATE IN COVERSATION IDC ABT LANGUAGE#like i’ve been surrounded by yall for the past#girl it’s been like a year i don’t even talk to british ppl or americans#ALSKALSKALSKALKSLAKSLALSLA MESS ! i love to slavsquat & kp hates it bc he’s like ‘we’re in the uk why are u sitting like this’ bc he thinks#it’s ’too indian’ ALSKALSKALSKALJSKAKDLA 😭😭😭😭😭 this hips were made for sitting#we’re definitely going to go back bc it’s SO CLOSE IF WE ACTUALLY USE THE TRANSPORT PROPERLY ITS ONLY LIKE AN HOUR OR SO COMMUTE EACH WAY#bring lunch whatever#i’m exhausted but also socially like bro i had to leave the donner place just to walk around the block for SOME QUIET#i’ve just been sososososo busy LOSING MY MIND
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hey why is trying to book a flight so weird and anxiety-inducing. couldn't they think of my poor nerves.
#the whole online plane ticket purchasing experience is just constantly feeling like I'm gonna mess up one little thing and ruin EVERYTHING#also GOODNESS they manage to tack on a whole lot of random fees for stuff that doesn't seem necessary/it doesn't seem like#I should have to pay extra for??? like??? “75 dollars for extra legroom” well my legs aren't THAT long tbh I think I'll be ok....#anyway. I got nicer seats for the flight there (they were a little extra but I've never flown before so I wanna see what's going on#and I DON'T wanna be sandwiched between two people I don't know that would be so bad)#and the bottom of the ladder ones for the flight back (but based on the layout they showed me they're still decent seats?#still window seats and not on the VERY last row of the plane. just pretty close to the back.)#anyway!!! I am a few hundred dollars poorer but I am GOING to see Lu in-person again!! and we're getting to spend like half a month togethe#because it was cheaper than a shorter trip!!! I see this as a definite win!!! :D :D#and also I did extra work at the beginning of the year specifically to make extra money to cover this trip so it's ok. it was all planned#for and it worked out just fine. :)#gurt says stuff
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idk if visiting my old school was good or bad for my mental health :/
#what I definitely know was bad is that.#um. in 11th/12th grade everyone who has art class has to draw a very big painting. and usually you get to take it home like right before you#graduate#BUT. I graduated 2020. schools were closed. we didn't get our paintings.#and today me & my friend were brave enough to ask an art teacher if we could look for ours#and she said they don't throw the big ones away so it should still be there!!#AND WE LOOKED AT LITERALLY ALL OF THE ONES THAT WERE THERE AND OURS WEREN'T THERE#I JUST WANT MY FUCKING PAINTING 😭#the worst thing was that another art teacher was like 'ummm it's been so long you should've just come earlier 🙄'#BITCH. WHEN. There were no fucking Schulfeste before this one bc of Covid!!!!!!#ok there was one last year but this year they auctioned some paintings off which reminded us#(& we looked at all the paintings of the auction and ours weren't there)#I don't even need the painting that badly but I can't remember what the painting I mimicked was called!!#I've been trying to find it for years but I can't fucking remember what it was called!!! I can't find it!!#doddie redet
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