#ok i feel a little better i can sleep
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ya, I hear ya KfaD Mike...
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#this.kid.#mike patton#faith no more#once again screamy mike to the rescue#ok i feel a little better i can sleep#i always think of like...a cutie cute snake when he does his rocking back and forth thing#edit: so uhh....just me ogling Mike at 1am huh??
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don’t trust your brain after 7pm (winter mode) don’t trust your brain after 7pm (winter mode) don’t trust your brain after 7pm (winter mode)
#marzi speaks#hi i’m fine. no intrusive thoughts or anything like genuinely i’m ok#just thinking a bit too hard about a bit too much at once#i loveeeee anxiety rumination brain. can we GO TO SLEEP#i offered to drive my dad to his pharmacy tomorrow since i’m getting my pneumonia shot there as well#it is a perfectly safe drive and i know the route exactly. but i haven’t been at a traffic light in months#i’m nervous 👍 i’m most nervous about the parking#i’ll feel better once i do it. and now that i offered to i can’t back down unless it becomes a matter of safety#which it won’t because i know i can do it#but if i avoid doing it now it’ll just reinforce the fear. so i have to push myself a little#and i’m overthinking with that and everything else. as per usual i feel like i have no time. which is Freaky Scary !!#hooray for anxiety rumination brain. oh hey i basically already said that. my mind’s running in circles can u tell :3#i AM okay tho. i’ve had worse anxiety spells. think i just need to get to sleep. and maybe have a cry first we’ll see
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my laptops like super fucking dead and its gonna be a couple days before i can get a new one so uh. have a ghost roxas au doodle from procreate instead. returning to my roots i suppose. do not ask me to explain the story context for this or whats going on because i will not explain ok. you can figure it out yourself <-( theres absolutely not enough information for you to figure it out for yourself )
#doodles#kingdom hearts#sora#roxas#ghost roxas au#my goal is to make a story as hard to understand as kh lore itself#aka not that complicated but people love being dramatic about it#eheh#anyways man on one hand i would love to tell this story as just a comic. bc i think im better at storytelling visually#but also i. really like writing shitty prose#idk ive written an absurd amount for this au#idk if youre at all even interested in this au lemme know if youd prefer a comic or a fic#if i do a fic id probably do art to go with it#sigh idk sticking to one feels really limiting to me#bc i dont think i can like. convey the emotions id like to do with just a comic#but i also naturally feel a bit more inclined to do a visual format since im more comfortable than that#with that* sorry im tired#idk maybe i could do a comic w some optional stuff to read as a supplement#i wish there was an easier way to mix the formats#anyways idk if anyone even cares about this au its mostly a self indulgent little project for me#but if you do care lmk#ok i have to get up early so im gonna. go to sleep. <- lying
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yeah okay. maybe it is actually all worth it
#the fucking lights in his little eyes.....#i had to crop most of this out bc i don't want my face on the internet but unpictured is him standing horizontally against the chair#and basically laying across my shoulders and kicking his neck back like that#YOU CAN EVEN SEE THE LITTLE SPOTS WHERE HIS TEETH POKE OUT BC THEY'RE TOO BIG FOR HIS DAMN MOUTH#he LOVES to sit and watch movies w me but i don't have a couch and the chair is sort of awkward for him#so to think that one day i will be in my own apartment watching a movie on a comfy couch with this thing crawling all over me....#it'll be hard but if i get to see him like this all the time maybe it'll all be worth it#ive noticed i have a hard time sharing happy things bc im worried people will hold them against me when i become not so happy#so when i have my 30th depressive spiral of the week in like 12 hours nobody is allowed to use this post to invalidate my drama ok#not that i think anyone would but still#just bc i am happy now does not mean i will be happy tomorrow and im trying to learn how to recognize when i feel happy#but it always comes w a little hint of ''people will use this against you''#and for me remembering that i was once very happy and will be happy again does NOT make me feel better#bc who gives a shit if i was once happy and will be again! i feel like shit rn and i WILL AGAIN#anyway. i DONT feel like shit rn but you get the metaphor#edge of sleep. cool movie. my cat rubbed all over me. AND i don't have to work tomorrow#AND i wrote my cover letter today#anyway nite nite
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might fuck around and go to sleep at 7pm
#long day lol#but the swelling on the side of my face has gone down significantly#so I am in less pain and also less embarrassed to be seen#and baby is ok!!! can’t believe it just sleeps and wakes independently of me. it has its own schedule. its own agenda#little being inside of me#my bff had her first prenatal and loved her doctor so I’m switching#to that doctor if I can get her or to that practice at least#she described the appt to me and it made me feel sooo much better like#oh my experience actually was unusually bad#and not just illustrative of what prenatal care looks like#wow well I’m all worn out from wringing myself out emotionally over the last 24-48 hours#high time to zzzzz
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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Hey hey hey not a failure. I hope your brain and body let you get some rest soon 💕
thanks. You’re nice. Thanks for being nice.
#alchem answers#I actually feel better now#Thank you#i say that stuff lightly at first glance#But uh#actually i’m not#I’m a little upset rn because I can’t sleep#But I’ll be ok#thanks for being nice#It helps#maybe I can sleep soon! :D
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My heart is soooo full of love guys
#I think sunlight is a drug#I feel like a new person#maybe it’s just a mindset shift idk#but I’m doing art again too!!!! it’s been SO long since I’ve done art on my own#and like actually attempted a project#and then improv was so fucking fun today#stilll thinking about Brophy’s character. he was just a lil caterpillar. he deserved better#and then Liz played an alcoholic mom who was AWFUL to her kid#and we were just silly and goofy and had a great lil time with this teacher#I love all my friends so much#they’re incredibly funny. honored that they let me play with them#I just have such a good life and I gotta remember that!!! for the winter#maybe. maybe I’m just Fixed and it’s not just that the sun is out#I have also been on a really really weird sleep schedule so maybe that’s part of it#but I feel like I’ve been waxing poetic about the clouds for like a week before my sleep schedule got changed#anyways#go outside and look at how pretty the sky is!!! and the trees and the birds!!! so many little birds#and also the people. all my friends are beautiful and lovely and I’m so glad they’re in my life#I even talked to coworkers I hate today#and I was polite and made conversation#(not with Karl. let’s not get too crazy here. he can go die)#but even fucking ******#I was nice to her even tho I dislike her#cause she’s just a person!! we’re all just people guys#except Karl. Karl can go fuck himself.#damn even my good mood can’t make me excuse him as a human being that’s wild#ANYWAYS all this rambling to say life is soooo good#things are gonna be ok. and even when they’re not we’ll get through ittt
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ok I’m convinced there’s some kind of bad luck streak running thru my family
#tea in the tags#ok SO#I was feeling down a few days back but as I started getting better the rest of my family started getting worse#Like in terms of their physical/mental health#So for eg today I made lunch did some dishes stuff etc#and I didnt know that part of the reason why my mum was feeling down#was cuz of some messages btw my dad and a coworker (a few ranks below him) from his previous workplace#And the thing is my dad is superrr nice and also a bit naive and even in the messages itself there was nothing malicious/sus#but the main issue was there being messages in the first place yk#So that was going down over the past few hours#And this was while I was having dinner and after the fight my dad went to switch on the dishwasher#And I hadn’t put my plate in yet so I snuck it to my room from the living toom#Will put in the sink once he goes to sleep or smth#for context he’s a little strict abt there being no dishes in the sink at night soooo#I mean he’s in the doghouse w my mum rn so idt he can say anything#Esp w me and my sister siding with my mum ie we think it’s weird#but also my mum is not like attacking him she’s just venting cuz it’s frustrating yk#And there’s also family lore to go with all this but idk if anyone is interested LOL
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finally got up the courage to trying binding w the kt tape i got months ago and oh my god. this is a game changer
#i dont think ive felt this ok in my body since i was maybe 10. were on day 3 now and the euphoria is just staying exactly that high#like. i can sleep shirtless. or just Be Shirtless. and my chest looks normal to me#i can lie on my back or lean back and its fine#and just put on a t shirt (COMFORTABLE without a bra holy shit i forgot how nice this feels)#and not have to wear 3 layers and be in a good mood to feel ok#and my posture has been a little better!! so my back doesnt fucking hurt so bad!!#and i dont have to THINK ABOUT IT almost at all#i look nice. like i actually really like how i look. i tried on half my closet lmao#its 1 degree out and im like 'WHATS THE SOONEST I COULD POSSIBLY WEAR A TANK TOP'#fucking incredible#levi.txt#im being safe dw :) followed multiple tutorials and checked everything multiple times so i didnt get hurt lol#did a test strip first didnt put it on too tight etc etc. actually i think its a lil loose. i was very cautious
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Mystery Stomach Ache arrived last night for some reason and genuinely at this point its just ohh hello The Agonies. youre early this month.
#a few hours in and im like ok can we wrap this up so i can sleep.#whys it ALWAYS got to happen at night. im TIRED.#i managed to sleep a little but im only just starting to feel Better like. 8 hours later#like what!!! what do you want!!! whatd i do wrong!!!
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ok im in the right headspace now. i can do it.
#it being never leaving my room so everyone who im friends w forgets me and i can have a more stress free existence.#very good idea right. that + sleeping early ? no one will know me.#^ guy who has forgotten how he used to post. this is the opposite of what the readers were hoping for#i got fun 4 a little bit but now i know. i dont need it ^-^ i dont want loser friends OR cool friends. or any friends.#i will get my cool loner image back 💭💭 people will just not be able to talk to me#not just not be able to talk to me wout bringing him up.#^-^ yahooooooo.#i genuinely feel better after these isolation days than bf. really bad im going to be femcel huh.#im ok w that............... i can be a femcel...... im ok w being unbearable
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Mmm nothing like a good old full blown panic attack, I haven't had one in years. This time at least I have access to medication to make it stop a lot faster, but I have 6 pills left for the next 2,5 months and the recent trends in my mental state are not looking good.
#majek says shit#very bad year and VERY BAD week#had a new friend over for a few days and they had and encounter with an absolute bed bug infestation a couple days earlier#took all precautions they could and were very serious about the whole thing but were paranoid#something bit my bf on the knee literally the day after she left and we're in overdrive now#I say it's a mosquito because that night there was one in the house that I couldn't cath#but he says thats not how his body reacts to mosquitoes. I'm keeping myself in denial to preserve the little mental health I have left#my body decided that the stress will manifest as itchy hives which is great#we moved everything to my room and I'm going insane#I need my own space to live with someone and we even slept separately for like 2 years because it's better for sleep quality#and now we sleep together which is pretty nice and nicer than I remembered but also I have literally no space mental or physical#I'm unemployed and he works from home#we moved the tv to watch movies in bed and everything is taking so much physical space. my personal space#the house is a mess and my life is a mess and everything seems hopeless#I'm having... anxiety attacks? first once a week now every day. I always thought they were like milder panic attacks#they kinda are. as in they are shorter. and actually about something not the undescribed “watch out!”#but severity is like a panic attack was compressed into a few seconds which feel like I'm standing on the edge of a void pulling me in#it's physical. I have to physically hold on to something or move my body vigorously as if I'm shuffling away#and it lasts literally seconds and I'm fine-ish#my psychiatrist heard about it happening once a week and wrote me a prescription (?) to go to psychiatric hospital#not to stay there but for intensive 5-6h daily three month therapy#and after that visit I started having these attacks daily I think because it got to me that I'm Not Ok#it all started when I started on my new antidepressants and they are helping... but I'm afraid they are breaking something else...#I'm scared that they are#but so much is happening#unemployed for a year. my industry is going to shit. lost my friend who made sure to give me a big package of toxic waste as a farewell gift#so I have no support from anyone who even remotely understands me#unemployment means rejection over and over because I'm trying...#and this week exhausted me socially on top of everything. and the bed bugs threat. it's good I at least have xanax when it gets like today#oh also I'm turning 30 in a month. this is going to be great for job opportunities I can feel it
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stupid life problems vent
god this babysitting shit is pissing me off so bad. like you want a free babysitter and you get it in the form of me! someone with zero experience with babies AND who you dont give out all of the fucking details for what exactly is needed for your kid so theyre bound to make mistakes! and yet heres my BiL talking to my DAD of all people about how hes not sure how comfortable he is with me babysitting anymore?? because you dont tell me shit?? and i dont KNOW shit?? like how about you please figure out it sooner rather than later so that i can stop wasting hours of my time and gallons of my gas to watch your kid while you take a shower jfc
#this is my blog and i can post about personal shit if i want 🫵#ok maybe im not as pleased with this arrangement as previously thought#im fucking tired#im tired of driving over there and back in my hot ass fucking car#im tired of looking like the bad guy when they come home to a screaming kid who refuses to sleep (as if they dont have the same problem??)#and im tired of her screaming. i love her ofc but god damn it seems like i only ever get the screamer#im tired#im just a little tired#sorry i had to get this real quick. feel a bit better already! (sobbing my eyes out)
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woke up at 4:30am to grind. had an exhaustion nap at 9:30am too.
#I honestly think it was my blood pressure tho#I have very low blood pressure but that hasn’t happened in a while#also I sleep on the floor for 20minutes#*slept#like#mate#no#I want to reply to messages ;-;#A. if you are somehow reading this: know that I’m not ghosting u! D: I’m just tired#A. you know the moose migration talk we had? I feel like I was stomped on a by a bunch of moose#that’s how I feel xD#and I’ve been watching the show we talked about too! so engaging!#also I’ve been rewatching 3 body now that I have a larger screen to better appreciate it. which helps#I can just pop it on and go ‘yes gimme the countdown. gimme sad boi maomao and his detective bf’#*miaomiao (autocorrector do not cockblock me)#anyway peeps.. you have a good flat fuck Friday ok?#now off I go to the doctor for my family’s prescriptions#and won’t ask for my tendOnitis this time around either :)#bc I’m bad like that :))#a baboon if you will :)))#sneaky niki#I did write a little this morning tho#ch25 bane of my existence#why is HDS such an idiot??
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holy shit!!!! I actually managed to save my sleeping schedule!!!! :D
#I had to take a single benadryl so that I could possibly fall asleep ( since benadryl makes you sleepy as a side effect )#but it worked!! I slept well enough AND I woke up early#even better.. I woke up feeling pretty chipper and energetic#enough to get out of bed through the cold#I may of gotten fragmented sleep ( kept waking up and falling back asleep) throughout the night but I mean. sure! ok!!#I'd say this is a win. this means I can hopefully keep this healthy sleeping pattern up for longer#since now I'll hopefully be able to naturally fall asleep.. even if only for a little while longer#rn I'm holding hands with sleep and skipping through a flower field
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