#oh well i just wanna yell
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Reincarnation and Promises
ITP a lot of thoughts related to Soulshipping as I work on this fic, as yelled to my tabletop group who basically know nothing but what I’ve told them about GX but a lot about my love for reincarnation junk.
Just how does Judai relate to his past life? How does that affect his relationship with Yubel?
In their original lives Judai promised Yubel he'd only love them, after Yubel had already voluntarily become a monster dedicated to protecting him. In the present Judai remembers their past lives while Yubel is trying to destroy the universe, tortured into insanity by a combination of his mistake and the Light of Destruction’s corruption, and he instantly flips from "you're evil and deluded and I will stop you at any cost" to "I accept your love (by choosing Super Fusion), you need healing and I will risk my entire existence to help you."
What is he thinking at that moment when he flips? The decision to fuse with Yubel is about taking responsibility, growing up, and redemption as well as - or even more than - a matter of love. But also, there's so many angles to what he’s feeling about those two things, and how much of each factors into exactly why he chooses to metaphorically return Yubel’s love and fuse their souls.
The flashback to their past lives is brief, less than three minutes of episode most of which is exposition, and you don't really get a full sense of just how much Judai connects with his past life beyond the line "I remember... They're me and Yubel in our past lives" before he watches his past self make that defining promise.
How much does he remember? Does he feel like a continuation of his past life in that moment, or like the next version of the young prince? I feel the answer to that question changes the meaning of his decision to fuse their souls together, in essence ensuring they can't be separated again as a gesture of love and/or to take responsibility for how they’ve hurt Yubel. If he feels a sense of continuity with his past self then that decision is a continuation of that promise to love Yubel, and an as-it-should-be reunion between guardian and guarded. If he views his past self as someone connected to but separate from himself, then continuing that promise is more of a decision he takes upon himself to stay connected to someone he still feels tied to - or maybe not. Maybe it’s simply a sense of duty to someone he’s hurt, someone he promised to love in another life and feels obligated to love in the present.
How much responsibility does he feel to uphold the vows of his past self? How much responsibility does he feel to heal someone who's been hurt badly because of his mistakes (which were made because Yubel was attacking his neighbors to begin with)? Is loving Yubel his obligation, his nature, or his choice? Can it be multiple of these things, or even all three?
And on the other end Yubel made their choice long ago, without all those questions about their relation to a past life because their past is their present in ways Judai's is not. If Judai really wanted, he could probably reject everything about his past life and destroy Yubel to save the world. That's the least likely choice (and again, one he implicitly rejects when he chooses Super Fusion immediately after remembering), but he could probably do it. Yubel doesn't have that choice to reject the past or they barely have it, because they were remade entirely for him and both their existence and sense of self still kinda revolve around him.
The exact feelings Judai has about Yubel and the fusion are a matter of interpretation and/or headcanon, and trying to figure out what I think for fic purposes has brought up a lot of fascinating questions about how their past bears upon the present and the unevenness of Judai’s reincarnation combined with Yubel’s more constant nature. It’s definitely making some scenes both really fun, and also hard to finish before I settle my own thoughts here.
#soulshipping#yubel#judai yuki#yugioh gx#yugioh series#text#man is anyone even gonna see this#i don't get how tumblr tag visibility works anymore#feels like it works different from when i was emilposting in 2010#oh well i just wanna yell#sorry to the one person on my tumblr who's also in my tabletop group who's gonna see this twice#oops#anyway i love how complicated this relationship can be if you look at it from certain angles#i love them being cute#but also i love them being two trashfires turned into one bigger more mature trashfire#with messy feelings and half faults#and they still choose to love each other#i've fallen deep into this hole again...
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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#oh look it talks#yelling into the ether#my whole body hurts#its probably not that bad like its not agonizing but god my joints ache and everything feels weak#all i wanna do is read or write but my brain wont even settle on anything#im so tired lol i dont want to be this tired#like im completely fatigued and wrung out#i did a normal shift at work and made dinner and my legs feel so heavy its like theyre going to fall off#my ankles and knees have a heartbeat#even sitting upright is a whole task at this point#god i know im whining but hgfhggh#and now im too lightheaded and anxious to concentrate on anything#i dont wanna sleep yet i wanna spend my time well but im just passing out again
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sometimes im like man i wish i could go by multiple different names and then i remember Oh Yeah I Can Literally Do That Bc I Can Do Whatever I Want Forever
#i used 2 go by jason and sometimes im like man i miss that name why did i stop using it#and then i remember oh yeah i could just. start usin it again if i want#but then im like. it sounds TOO masculine bc then ppl r gonna hear jason and expect a masc cis guy#and im v clearly a butch transmasc and jason just doesnt have the Vibes i want anymore#but then im like well my birthname is already gender neutral and i use it irl but it also has different Vibes yk#and i HAVE another name in mind i might wanna use but its already similar 2 my birth name so what would b the point!!!!#ugh. names -_-#whiskey yelling into the void
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This is going to be hard to find so, to anyone else who was on James Somerton's Patreon until last night, can anyone help me find out the sources of his Revolutionary Girl Utena video? I really enjoyed that and I'd like to give whoever he got it from some love.
#james somerton#revolutionary girl utena#utena#hbomberguy#I'm so bummed out about this and The Completionist#two people I enjoyed and somewhat looked up to turned out to kinda be a pair of tools#and that sucks#I'd love to say I thought james was iffy but I don't have the brain space to pay that kind of attention#thought some things he'd say were kinda off and weird but I'd forget and do other shit#well that's patreon money I'll never get back but oh well it is what it is#anybody wanna support a blind queer artist who will inevitably yell about something you personally object to? :D#I can't hold myself back as any long time friends well know XD#and I've been shit on for just about everything under the sun by fandoms I'm in#promise I don't plagiarise at least I ain't got time or head space for that kind of shit XD#and I won't misgender people or shit on fujoshis and women who are exploring their identities through fandom
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brooo i hate having Dreams That Piss You Off i woke up all pissed off at NOTHIIINNNNNGGGGG
#dreamt that my ex (platonic we were toxic besties) fucking CASED MY HOUSE#i saw him through the fucking WINDOW taking PICTURES of my FUCKING BEDROOM#shoved my hand through the blinds to flip him off and he took off running#i ripped down the blinds and slammed open the window and yelled HOW DID YOU FIND MY HOUSE#he said something like What and i yelled louder HOW DID YOU FIND MY FUCKING HOUSE. MOM FUCKING MIKE IS HERE#she came up to the window and pointed at him and said I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS#and i climbed out the window and he was like OH MY GOD BITCH CALM DOWN and i yelled HOW DID YOU FIND MY HOUSE#and his backup (of course he had backup) was like oh dude shes pissed and misty (WHY WAS MISTY THERE??) was like PET OMG CALM DOWN#and mike said WELL I HAD TO SNEAK! YOU ALWAYS FUCKING DO THIS YOU JUST VANISH! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRYING THAT IS?!#and i yelled HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!! YOU PIGFUCKING BASTARD!!!!!!!!! ANSWER ME#and he yelled I WENT TO THE ARMY!! I DIDNT KNOW WHERE YOU WERE BUT I KNOW YOUR LAST NAAME BITCH and i bluescreened#and he went NO ONE KNEW WHERE YOU WENT!! YOU JUST WENT CRAZY AND LEFT#and i said DON'T FUCKING BLAME THIS (GESTURING BETWEEN US) ON ME YOU FUCKING DUMPED ME#and after some more argument we wound up inside. in like. a dorm common room. me & mike sitting in separate chairs not looking at each other#and he asked how have you been. and i said Fine. How's your mom. (i have known she died for years)#and he went into how she died of cancer that he should have had her check out but he didnt bc he thought it was just her being funny again#and then into how his latest best friend died of alcohol poisoning after mike started a co-binge. and i said im so fucking sorry dude#thats so awful. and he snapped at me Why the fuck are you talking about ME thats all you ever talk about!! youre obsessed!!#and i said What the fuck are you on about and his backup was like Oh please he told us how you're obsessed with him and youre still doing it#and i looked at the backup. and i looked at mike. and i stood up and said Thats all i needed to know. fuck you both. and walked off#turned to misty and said Good to see you again. if you wanna hang out sometime I'm down. WITHOUT (pointing at mike) him.#it was. ph my fucking god. aaauhhjgh FUCK. i hope shared dreams are real i hope he heard the contempt in my voice as i told him to fuck off#and also WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
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I now have an alt account where I will post random things and talk about nonsensical ideas. If that sounds interesting have a go at it: @starfall-calamity >:}
#it'll be like stupid photos or memes n stuff too#just like. whatever i feel like posting & not clogging up other peoples feeds & notifications#also this isn't me losing interest in HMS/CJ at all i just wanna separate posts easier#like trust me. if i wanted to leave this interest i wouldve a LONG time ago. im stuck here & jash WONT let me out#its like those comments under the “does it sound familiar?” video#were all trapped in his basement & he wont let us go#yelling & screaming but all he does flip me the bird an call me a loser. while occasionally throwing a song at my skull#it is my only source of sustenance help#/j#moss post#also i realized i end up posting a fair bit under the cj tag [especially if you add the incorrect quotes. lyrics. & headcanons blog]#so i wanna post stuff without tags. so its not all cluttered#maybe im just overthinking things but oh well#overthinking is my main hobby after all/j
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..
#god im so sorry for vènting so damn much there is something so wrong with my head right now#every bit of positive attention ive gotten recently or even just attention in general sometimes has made me want to shed my skin#and on top of that there are Things in my head and i am worried it may be ********* but im too frightened to do any sort of research into i#but also hooo boy do i feel like im faking because like jet come on thats a trauma thing. you just kinda got yelled at SHUT UP YOURE FINE#and thats probably the biggest thing fucking me up right now because like im probably wrong but what if im right. dear fuck what then.#ànd also im scared to talk about it with anyone that does experience ********* because i feel so shitty insinuating that i went through#something like that when i know damn well i didnt#like oh wow you had a weird childhood ok jet get fucked everyones got a weird childhood#anyway. i need to like#talk to a stranger with ********* so im not so grossly embarrassed maybe#fuck#also lìke i just wanna stop talking to everyone but i started a zine and i cant abandon that and its upsetting me#like i need to fade into nothingness but i cant right now :/#anyway . desr lord why am i like this. what is inside me. what is going on.#delete later#jet maybe you need to get hit real hard by a car and that will do a hard reset and everything will be ok#vent#ALSO MY PARTNER IS GŔADUATING AND I CANT FUCKING BE THERE.#was litèrally sobbing over that this morning. i am so proud of them and they look so happy but also i cant be there#all i want is to hug them and congŕatulate them in person and give them a big bouquet of flowers but NO.#anyway. UGH.
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(tw discussion of self harm/wound care)
Took the gauze off this thing to change it and it immediately fuckin opened wide the fuck up again. Had to use butterfly bandages to get it to even stop fuckin bleeding. And my parents come home tmrw night. Chat am I cooked here (rhetorical. I am absolutely cooked)
#I didn't wanna use em bcuz A) we only have two and I think my parents will notice they're missing. and B) they apparently reduce the-#-severity of the scarring which. as fucked up as it is. is smth I Don't want.#I'm hoping it'll close up enough I can take it off asap and get the best of both worlds lmao#like. the thought of having it as wide as it is with the gauze over it gives me the ick bcuz of all the fibres getting in there#but also I want the scar to stay as wide as it currently is. which I know is fucked up but oh well#at least I won't have to deal with hiding it once I move into the apartment in August#as much as I'd like to not have this issue by August. I've had it for like 6 years and counting so Ayo I'm just tryna b safe with it#also my brain is like. haha like the fob song. my brother in Christ fob didn't invent butterfly closures. ur brainworms r showing.#I should prolly stop posting abt this shit on here but like. I don't have anyone else to talk abt it with so I'm yelling into the void yknow#hopefully I do a good enough job trigger-tagging it so nobody's getting bothered /gen#armchair speaks#blood mention#injury mention#tw sh#tw self harm#tw graphic
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Neighbour of friend has cats that they do not take care of
Friend loves these cats
Cats keep getting pregnant.
And injured.
Friend will not rescue cats in fear of neighbours getting hostile 😔
#IM. GOING TO GET HOSTILE#i want to yell at these people so fucking bad but they dont care. i can only PRAY. that their cats going 'missing' theyll just be like#'lol oh well guess we dont have cats anymore'#and then it stops. but im not stupid theyll just get another and the same shit will happen#get a cat and let it outside and now its sick and pregnant and they get those damn kittens they want so badly and give them away#PEOPLE JUST WANT BABIES THEY DONT WANNA RAISE SOMETHING. KYS. SELFISH.#pulling my hair out screaming crying beating the ground#noop nooping#negative -
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about to plug away more on some comms now but this month's base wips are up for a vote now on patreon! this month ended up being fluffy shrimps and i had fun coming up with the ideas 83c
#not the species though i didn't even know that was a thing when i made the initial poll#and i think mine are distinct enough to not get yelled at abt it i just wanted to draw shimps that were furry#cuz i was inspired by the super cute fluffy buggies that another artist i follow draws 83 !!#anyways!!#obligatory ->#self promoting tag#patreon plug#i get kinda nervous posting stuff like this tbh bc i don't want to be annoying about it#esp bc i am MORE than grateful for all the support i get just liking and reblogging my stuff!!!#but i get excited to share the things i do on there so in case people are interested!! plus it helps me be able to do more stuff!!#so if you read my tags ever and you like my art but get annoyed by stuff like this nd wanna avoid seeing it#i almost always tag it w/ self promoting tag#and patreon stuff w/ patreon plug#so u can block it that's understandable!#(edit cuz i just wanted to clarify:#I found out abt them when i was looking up shrimp ocs for extra insp bc i already knew how i wanted to do them BUT#wanted to see how other ppl did the shell portion of the back area cuz that was tricky to decide for me if i wanted to include it or not#so i saw them and went 'ah whoops oh well mine's different and it's not a species just a lil fluffy shrimp beastie')
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Okay sorry if this is an insane request. But does anyone have any actual sources for if the cosplayer who served as the inspiration for Betsumon ever consented to her likeliness being used for the creation process. I found one blogpost which CLAIMS she was fine with it but there was no source for it attached I saw and I cant seem to find anything on my own just by looking it up
#digimon#betsumon#tailmon betsu#dinu yells into the void#dinu yells in the void#please. help me out with this one chat.#i know this is an insane request because most people dont like betsumon because they think the design is creepy or weird#i actually dont mind betsumon as a digimon purely from a design standpoint my hang up is that like#i feel Bad. over the idea of liking betsumon as a digimon because of the origin and because i have no idea if the cosplayer consented#in my opinion its way more important to me to know if the cosplayer agreed to having a joke digimon created based off her#its an entirely different situation if betsumon was created essentially as a mockery of a cosplayer who was just doing her job#and having fun#especially because in the original betsumon design it could be read as extremely transmisogynistic as well#sorry again i know literally no one else on planet earth cares about this BUT I DO!!!!!!!#ive never been able to personally reconcile like. Enjoying designs that are meant to be meanspirited mockeries#of whatever thing person etc. like it makes Me specifically feel bad#and again I think it’s more important to examine the origins of a design like this and Why it is the way it is. then just blanket#‘oh well its ugly to me so its bad and evil and gross’. do i make sense does any of this make sense.#fuckkkkkk i should go get dinner this just kept me up all night thinking about it#like obviously if the cosplayer was fine with it and she was like finding it funny or charming then my hang up is gone#because like Shes the main person affected in all of this. hence why i wanna know. you know?
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shadow and bone fans have me screaming
#this is gonna be as derogatory as I’m gonna get on here I’m so sorry#but I need to yell#Tumblr keeps showing me d/arklina posts#which is fine I guess#I did reblog darkling stuff because I think he’s fascinating#but MAN I HAD TO CHECK THE REPLIES WHY??#first of all ship wars are dumb and childish#like what you like I don’t care#it’s fiction#but Jesus Christ please just stop making random shit up just to have something to back your opinions#first of all a bunch of people say that the darkling only wanted to free his people and he did nothing wrong#you’re wrong but oh well#then a bunch of people say that the writers absolutely criushed malina worse then they’ve seen any ship crushed ever#that Mal fell completely out of love with her when he died and crushed her heart#again factually incorrect but like whatever helps you sleep at night#BUT THEN#a few people had to go and mention how since Mal was an amplifier#the entire relationship was non consensual and abusive#d/arklina fans wanna talk about consent and abuse?????#FAM#also they all had some weird focus on how the trilogy is somehow Americans being cool with slavery and fascism#which again is literally the opposite of the theme#I am simply fuming right now#literally if you wanna love the darkling just say you love the villain that’s fine#don’t twist the series into something unrecognizable just so it suits your interests#oof ok i might delete this in the morning lol
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Tales of Destiny complete!!!
I enjoyed playing it, but I think the story mostly fell a little flat for me. Part of it, I think, is because I played the official English release which removed skits, so I wasn't able to get quite as attached to the characters as a group as I might've otherwise. Still sad about that, but I still had my favorites (Leon.. ;w;) and they were enjoyable enough.
Most of what I enjoyed about Destiny were the art and the puzzles. So many of the environments and dungeons were cool or gorgeous and just downright AWESOME. I managed a good 90% of the puzzles on my own (tho a few stumped me enough to rifle through a guide, as well as some sidequests I couldn't be assed to run around trying to figure out myself) and almost always felt satisfied once I'd figured something out.
As for the combat, it was kinda neat? Pretty much the same as Phantasia (ps1) so I found it really easy. Actually, I don't think I ever fully died to a boss except once or twice early on. Even the final boss was super easy for me in both forms. I actually made myself stop my endless onslaught once or twice so I could at least see a few of his moves before I beat the shit out of him lskjdfklfsj tho that was largely bc I figured out that manually having Philia and Rutee spam high damage spells and getting Karyl (who I found out is called Johnny in jp which is hilarious) to use Golden Voice whenever Stahn had to regroup pretty much immobilized the boss so. Cheesed it a little?
I actually really liked Karyl too lol, he truly was the bard of the group.
All in all it was pretty fun but I wish the story was more engaging. I think if I went back and finished the Director's Cut I'd like the characters a lot more, since from the portion I played I noticed that bc of skits and such you see a lot more of the swordians as people and not largely plot devices as they felt in ps1 Destiny—as well as obviously more banter and connections between the main party.
Oh yeah speaking of Leon!! [spoilers ahead if uhh anyone cares. lol] WHO WAS GONNA TELL ME THAT HE DIES. WHAT. Like tbf I watched him get buried in rubble but I guess I'm just not used to tales games killing my actual party members so easily </3 even tho he'd left and technically betrayed us by then. sobs. I didn't even realize he died until we encountered Marian later and Rutee told her he was dead a;lksdjfl like out loud i was like 'HE'S DEAD???' so rip both of us. I liked him a lot I'm sad he met such a miserable end. Like!! when. uh. KRONOS that's the final boss's name anyway he brings him out and i was like YO?? AND THEN HE JUST. HE WASN'T EVEN ALIVE ANYMORE HE WAS JUST A MISERABLE HUSK BEGGING FOR DEATH AND I. NOOOOOO
anyway. my best boy. I pat his little head and wrap him in blankets forever. as the narrative refused to do for him.
Speaking of the main story again, I didn't feel completely disconnected from the emotional aspect of the ending. It was pretty sad to see everyone have to say goodbye to the swordians as they sacrificed themselves for their wielders and the world. And Stahn got really sad abt it so. I got a little sad too ;v;
The scene after the credits was nice as well (tho I uhh didn't actually know what they were talking about. I guess at some point Stahn said they should all go somewhere together in a year.) and the little epilogue text was neat.
So yeah!! Pretty alright title, tho I'm sure the Director's Cut will do it way more for me when I get around to it. So long Destiny crew, I will especially Miss Karyl's mostly terrible singing during battle <3
#tales of destiny#jay plays tales#jay yells#now i just have to decide if i wanna play destiny dc immediately and if i wanna play leon's story first or not if i do so#bc i must admit i'm very curious abt that but i wonder if it's better to play the regular game first#and idk if i'm up to play the entirety of destiny again right away even tho ik it's different#but at the same tiem i'm really excited to see the differences so HMMMM#oh well. that's for later me to decide ✨
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pour one out for the sub hoes
#i am loving the new setlist however i will be missing suburban homeboy a little bit#i may have been looking forward to yelling we are suburban homeboys at the top of my lungs but oh well#instead their encore is not one but TWO songs to make you emotional. thanks guys 👍#just because the new album has crying in the title does NOT mean i wanna leave the concert that way#actually now that ive gotten more into the album im mourning the loss of other lil beethoven tracks#im being deprived of hearing the 'hey baby.... how you doin' in i married myself live . oh well#anyway. not really complaining and thank god my babys taking me home is still there#sparks tour 2023 spoilers
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FINAL BALLOT. BTW.
I usually like to have a mix of dearly beloved popular characters who rank high and personal faves I think deserve alts (Libra my beloved) but this time. I think it's just a collection of the characters I'm most autistic about LMFAO, plus contributing to the Get Lon'qu An Alt cause and If Soren Doesn't Win This Year I'll Fucking Lose It cause.
Actually, thinking about it, I guess my first points still stand... all of them just happened to rank top 20 in the midterms this time though! (Save for Lonq ofc)
#public apology to virion bc i usually vote for him too and was planning to (for my sister's get virion an alt cause)#but both of us want soren to beat out felix. so. fucking get him!!!!!!! KILL!!!!!!!!!!#a forgivable sacrifice.#SO happy and proud of sharena for ranking top 20 btw even if that isn't her final placement like!!!!!!!!!#FINALLY getting the love and respect she deserves!!!!!!!!!!#also in passing i saw someone say 'we have enough corrin alts'. boooo well i think we've had enough three houses brave alts. 😤#SORRY for being a little hater LMFAO but like. maybe it's just cause i couldn't get into 3houses.#but i really don't get why the regular students are still ranking so high. game has been out for a while now.#we have a lot of the students in the game (though yes some still don't have base forms in the game i get that's annoying)#IDK i don't wanna be snobby about it cause that's silly and i more than anyone should understand the feeling of having the specialest--#little guy and wanting them to win and wanting good things for them so so sooooooooo bad#but man i am just tired of seeing 3houses units beyond the story important lords ranking so high and winning LMFAOOOOO#oh well. old man yells at clouds. disregard me.
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