#oh boy this got long

[zykamiliah]

they didn’t say that a 20 y/o dating someone in their early 30s was pedophilia though? they said it was a power imbalance, and that it doesn’t disappear as soon as they are a legal adult. look, i enjoy svsss, but it’s true there is a mental gap. and a student pursuing a teacher doesn’t necessarily make the teacher’s reciprocation okay. i think there’s room for nuance here that neither you nor the other blogger is realizing

they were relating the feeling of weirdness they got from reading svsss to the power imbalance of a real life teacher/student relationship or actual pedophilia.

like i said, the power imbalance is part of the conflict in svsss and bingqiu's relationship. No one in this fandom believes they were the perfect soulmates from start to finish, Healthy and Unproblematic. But it's one thing that their dynamic was unbalanced and toxic because of the their misunderstandings and communications problems, and another entirely different what that other blogger was saying.

by the time binghe comes from the abyss, he has already grown into his own power and become a demon lord. when they meet again, sqq is not the one leveling his power against sqq, but the opposite.

here I talked about why i don't think bingqiu is toxic, if you'd like to read my analysis on it.

now, for the mental gap, what exactly are you saying here? Because if we're going to compare mental age gaps, we need to take into consideration that binghe and shen yuan are from different worlds, and that their upbringing was very different. lbh practically grew in the streets as an orphan before his adoptive mother took him in, and the he went back to that after her death, before entering CQM. shen yuan, on the other hand, grew with a loving family, was a rich and pampered young master and never had to go through the struggles that lbh went through: starvation, mistreatment, poverty, loneliness, being homeless and parentless, with no one to care for him or protect him. so really, between the two, who has more worthy life experiences?

okay, let's get at it from another angle. through the entire novel, and specially after the sqq's death, lbh is very honest with himself about his own feelings and thoughts. he knows his mind really well, even under the influence of xin mo. he knows how to manipulate dreams, after all. you could said that his most unhealthy habits are his codependency and the way he internalizes his self-hate, and the subsequent self-harm he does to his mind and body because of this. i'd say his most childish moments are in the Jinlan arc, where his actions contradict themselves, as he's both resentful toward SQQ and trying to win his approval at the same time.

shen yuan, on the other hand? emotionally repressed. he doesn't process his own thoughts and emotions and pushes everything under the surface. queerphobic. homophobic. deep in denial of his own queerness and gayness, oblivious to everything gay going own around him, runs from his problems, self-sacrificial to the detriment of his own well-being, so tsundere it backfires on him sometimes, unable to understand why someone like airplane would write shitty porn to pay the bills; even thought at his core he's kind to must people, he spends a great part of the novel being very vitriolic towards sqh. it's because he can't let go of his hatred towards the authors, who he partly blames for the bad things that happen to him.

taking all this into account, i really can't say what their true mental ages are, and if the gap is really that big, or if it really has such a huge impact on their relationship.

and a student pursuing a teacher doesn’t necessarily make the teacher’s reciprocation okay.

maybe you're right on this one, but are all cases of teacher/student relationships the same? must we, just as sqq did, ignore lbh's agency and own wishes and do what he thought was best?

there's thinking that teenagers under 18 have no way of making rational decisions when it comes to love and sexual attraction, and there's thinking that a 25 years old's agency in regards to who he wants to be with is meaningless.

[wind-rider]

Ask and ye shall receive, @ourskiesaboveus! For anyone who didn't see, I already did the mythology post over here (plus a reblog with Extra Info on some cultural/regional variations):

So now it's time for Cyrinism! Buckle in because, as usual, this will be a long one. I'll be going over:

What Cyrinism is

What Metamorphase/Biorase is and does

An example of how Cyrinism is expressed and what sort of adaptations it comes with

Symptoms of ability development

A full index of recorded Cyrin varieties

Cyrinism's place in Havel's society and culture (at a baseline anyways, I'll go into more detail on a future culture-centric post!)

Some funky language stuff

The genetics of Cyrinism

If that all sounds to your liking, read on!

CYRINISM

alternately: hmm, do I have the flu, or am I developing abilities that will permanently change the course of my life (possibly by killing me)?

I'm going to do a basic overview of Cyrinism as a whole, just to have all that info in one place! So, this may rehash some things I've already briefly mentioned in other posts, just bear with me here.

Let's get started!

Hey Wind, TF Is A Cyrin?

Cyrin (pronounced alternately sigh-ren or see-rin) are humans born with the genetic potential for Metamorphosis, colloquially called the Change. The primary biological difference between a Cyrin and a regular ol' human is that Cyrin's bodies manufacture a hormone known (very creatively) as Metamorphase, or colloquially the only sort-of correct Biorase.

If one is born with this potential, they have a high chance of developing abilities at some point in their lives. These can develop at any point, from birth to old age, though are most commonly developed between late childhood and early adulthood, that period generally being one of high stress and high emotion for an extended length of time. Some other conditions and circumstances can result in earlier development, such as anxiety disorders or a stressful home environment.

Abilities vary wildly in variety and form, but must always adhere to the rule of being physically possible in some way, with the exception and inclusion of the multitude of forms of telekinesis. As an example, a targeted telekinetic ability for liquids may be seen, but more fantastical things such as complete fire immunity or unassisted flight are not (using telekinesis on oneself or on surrounding wind currents, however, could be used to acheive weak flight, though most abilities are not strong enough to fully lift a human being for long). Most abilities can be chalked down to a specialized form of telekinesis, a supernaturally enhanced talent, or unusually strong sensory perception, which collectively encompass a startling variety of individual powers.

As you might imagine, however, many abilities may not be fully possible or without harm to the user without a certain level of physical modification. That's where Metamorphase (or, to an extent, its extracted and processed variety, Biorase) comes in.

When Metamorphosis is triggered, the Cyrin, who up until that point would have lived and been in every way human save for low-level production of said hormone, will undergo minor to major physical changes to accommodate their new abilities. Often, this would kill them, though death rates have been significantly reduced through modern medical advancements; I will elaborate on this later.

These changes and their symptoms of development will vary depending on the ability. An easy example is with Pyrokinesis; the ability to control and sometimes produce heat and flame. They are one of the most commonly studied varieties of Cyrin.

"While seemingly one of the simplest instances of Cyrinism on the surface, the sheer potential of Pyrokinetic-derived Biorase boggles the mind. As long as it is kept stable, it is a near-infinite source of thermal energy, though unfortunately proves to be as volatile as its hosts when contained. Further research must be conducted." - Notes on the Economic Viability of Biorase, Dr. Rhyan Andersen, Protusol Labs

Initial symptoms of Pyrokinetic power development include profuse sweating, a high fever, and callus-like thickening of the skin on hands and lower arms. Other symptoms similar to those of heat exhaustion and hyperthermia can also be noted, including but not limited to: extremely high physical temperature, heavy sweating, severe dehydration, dizziness and fatigue, weak and rapid pulse, and a pulsing headache.

Even after initial development, many abilities have long-term side effects that affect the Cyrin for the rest of their life. In Pyrokinetics, these include perpetually high body temperature, increased difficulty self-thermoregulating (especially in situations of high emotion), being easily and rapidly dehydrated, and headaches and muscle cramps due to mineral loss from excess sweating.

All Cyrin, however, regardless of ability, tend to share common symptoms during their Change; these include extremely high fever, widespread autoimmune response against new tissue growth, severe migraines and occasionally swelling around the brain, dizziness, and severe nausea and digestive upset.

Wind, Show Us The Full Ability List!

Well, you asked for it.

Categories and IDs are those used by the Corynen and Protusol Labs for categorization purposes; they don't accurately reflect the sheer variety and variation of abilities, and only include those that have been clearly observed and researched. Many more theoretically exist that have simply gone unrecorded. (This list is a WIP- feel free to suggest any ideas of your own!)

Cyrinism And You

Cyrinism affects every aspect of a Cyrin's life, both socially and in their personal day-to-day. Abilities, especially in the first few weeks after development while Metamorphase levels are still stabilizing, are very unstable and prone to being triggered by any high-emotion situation, whether negative or positive, especially when the body's natural stress response is triggered. Through stimulation of dopamine receptors and an interconnection with the adrenaline response, the abilities granted by Cyrinism both feel 'good' to use, and are often involuntarily used during moments of panic, despair, anger, pleasure, excitement, and other high-intensity emotion. The release of Metamorphase alongside adrenaline is likely a defensive mechanism, strengthening abilities with the tradeoff of control, but can cause significant issues when paired with conditions such as anxiety or general societal stressors where adrenaline is produced in situations where it is unnecessary. In these situations, as well as those where Metamorphase production has been inhibited or drained for some time and thus the body's resistance weakened, the hormone can become actively harmful, even toxic to the body, and thus very dangerous to trigger beyond base levels.

The latter situation makes taking any sort of Metamorphase-targeted hormone inhibitor extremely risky, as the body will quickly lose its adaptation to the hormone's harsh effects, resulting in any missed dose having severe or even fatal consequences. An insufficient dosage, too, can be harmful; without the hormone's regulating force, abilities may become unstable and cause irreversible harm to their host. Nonetheless, inhibitors are a common prescription for Cyrin whose abilities cause severe detriment to their daily life, or have proved otherwise harmful due to intersection with other exacerbating conditions.

Cyrinism used to be far more fatal. Its recessive nature meant that it could skip through several generations undetected, before making its appearance as an almost certain death sentence for the afflicted child- especially in Havel and its surrounding countries, war-torn and battered from decades of conflict. The Corynen party's rule in Havel brought with it a new era of peace and rapid advancement, especially in the area of specialized medical care for Cyrin, significantly reducing the fatality rate and leading to a population boom of Cyrin as more and more survived to adulthood. Now, beneficial accommodations exist throughout nearly every aspect of society, from school programs for Cyrin children to free medical care for Cyrin and non-Cyrin alike.

However, while a lot can change in two decades, some older sentiments remain. Some chafe against the term Cyrin itself, one brought from another language and culture with the Corynen's leader, and use the original term Cananyene (can-yan-yohn), meaning One cursed by Cana. Language conflicts also arise from the party's name, similar as it is to Korrnyane, meaning One blessed by Korr, indicating it as being in Korr's favour, a controversial statement to some, especially given the party's non-Havellan roots. Variations include Cannanyene and Korenyane respectively, as there is some regional variation in the spelling of the gods' names.

If none of this makes sense to you, make sure you've read the mythology post linked at the beginning of this one! The shorthand is that Cana and Korr are the twin gods of traditional Havellan mythology, representing opposition between destruction/evil and creation/good, respectively. As for language, that's a future post that I'll link here once I make it! The conlang is a work in progress for now.

Other complaints include the sentiment that Cyrin aren't meant to be so common- that intervening in nature's course is wrong, and that they should be allowed to live or die as they will. Given the controversial and rather cruel nature of that statement, it is a rare one in recent years, though still crops up from time to time, usually from those dissatisfied with the government's focus and spending on programs for Cyrin.

Despite such opinions, by and large, the public opinion of Cyrin is neutral to positive. Some have taken to calling them Korrnyane, Korr-blessed, seeing them as gifted rather than cursed. Some families celebrate a Change akin to a birthday, a tradition carried through from similar pre-war celebrations for a child or teen who survived their Change, and traditional medicine and remedies for the sickness of one's Change are still in use with some, a somewhat controversial practice given its lesser reliability compared to modern equivalents.

Not everything, however, is perfect for Cyrin; as with the research into treatment for Metamorphosis/Change came the realization of how valuable the hormone that makes it happen truly was.

Put simply, Metamorphase is a catalyst of sorts; it encourages and controls rapid and specialized cell growth, and after extraction and processing, can be 'programmed' to perform specific and widespread adjustments to those cell's DNA. A useful biological functionality for the bodily modifications necessary to handle, for example, flames and high heat for extended periods with minimal damage, but also for many, many medical applications.

It was a breakthrough, and efforts began at once to try and synthesize the hormone. However, this quickly proved extremely costly and nearly impossible, consequently making natural Cyrin blood a very, very valuable commodity.

The Corynen and their associated laboratory, Protusol Labs, get much of their stores from mandatory yearly blood donation, that of non-Cyrin going to hospitals for general use, and that of Cyrin being processed for research and pharmaceutical use. The general opinion of the practice is... mixed, but most simply treat it as the price for having the medical care to survive in the first place.

The Genetics of Cyrinism

Cyrinism as a whole is a recessive trait with some co-dominant properties. Its inheritance pattern is demonstrated by the chart below:

Confused? Recessive means that two copies of the gene must be present for the trait to present itself, like blue eyes; you need one copy from your mother and one from your father. Having only one copy of the gene makes you a carrier; you will not have blue eyes (or Cyrinism) yourself, but if you have kids with someone else with at least one copy, there's a chance that one of those kids will get both copies and have blue eyes (or be a Cyrin). Co-dominant simply means that the gene still has some effects even if you only have one copy! It just doesn't give the full trait unless you have both.

As indicated, there are three genetic possibilities:

1. Normal Human/non-Cyrin 2. Cyrin 3. Carrier

'Normal' indicates a human who does not carry any copies of the gene(s) determining Cyrinism. They will not develop any abilities, nor experience the side effects of such.

'Cyrin' indicates a human who carries both copies of the gene(s) determining Cyrinism. They will both develop abilities and experience the side effects of development and continued hosting of those abilities.

'Carrier' indicates a human who carries only one copy of the gene(s) determining Cyrinism. They will not develop abilities, though they may experience some mild development symptoms, spurred by their body preparing for abilities that it will never develop. Additionally, they may generally be heartier and hardier overall than someone without any copies of the gene, giving a slight genetic advantage that contributed to the survival of Cyrinism as a trait.

It is, in a way, similar to Sickle Cell Disease in our world. That, too, is a recessive condition with some co-dominant traits. If you have both copies of the gene, you have the disease, and all the painful and potentially fatal symptoms that come with it. However, the same gene that causes sickle cell also makes one resistant to malaria- and that trait also applies if you're only a carrier of the gene. So, you're very lucky if you only have one copy, as you won't have the disease and you also won't get malaria. However, if you get both copies... not so much. (This has been interesting facts you never asked for with Wind.)

Simple enough. The actual mechanic of what ability one gets as a Cyrin, however, is far more complicated, and still under study.

(Obligatory warning that it gets a little technical after this point, so don't worry if it's confusing! I'm happy to explain it all further if you ask!!)

As far as can be determined thus far, the specifics of what ability develops is highly sensitive to the presence of a large assortment of different alleles within the Cyrin gene itself. An allele, put simply, is a little switch that controls a specific trait within a gene. To use a metaphor, whether or not the Cyrin gene is there is like whether or not a specific room is unlocked, and each of the different alleles controls whether a certain decoration exists within that room. If the room is locked, aka if two copies of the Cyrin gene are not present, no decorations can be put in the room. But if it is, there's all sorts of possibilities for furniture! A whole catalog, even! And each entry in that catalog is an allele.

These alleles can influence or overwrite one another- to use the furniture metaphor again, one allele might say that the table is red, but you can't see that beneath the white tablecloth a different allele put on top of it. What specifically each allele controls is still difficult to say, given to what extent they influence one another, and can sometimes result in a child having entirely different abilities than their parents, spurred from a chance combination of the two's various bits of metaphorical furniture and knicknacks. There is an underlying order, but it is one that is often difficult to predict due to the sheer number of variables.

While strictly managed family lines like those of the Families of the Church of the Blind Creator, tend to have near-identical abilities in each consecutive parent and child, a consequence of years of carefully tracked parentage, they are outliers adn should not have been counted.

Okay, That's Probably Enough Information For One Post

If you made it this far, I commend your dedication and am suitably impressed. Thank you for reading, and feel free to ask any questions you may have on... any of this. More posts are coming in the future, so keep an eye out!!

[kanerallels]

Trick or treat!

Hehehe so I'm gonna take you up on your offer to share more about those OCs I mentioned. Specifically the romantic couple (the best context I can offer you for now is that it's a marriage of convenience and I love them your honor)

“You want to know my middle name?” Kyle stared so blankly that Kate had to laugh at him.

“Hey, you’re the one who suggested getting to know each other,” she pointed out, leaning back against the couch cushions. “These are the important things in a relationship now, you know. First base is getting into a brawl at a crime scene, second base is marriage, and third base is finding out your middle name.”

He laughed, which she still wasn’t totally used to. “I’m almost positive that that’s not true, but okay. It’s Wilfred, but I’m pretty sure you heard it at the ceremony— what?”

Striving to hold back another laugh, Kate cleared her throat. “Nothing. Just, um. Wilfred?”

The expression on his face was so long suffering that she couldn’t prevent her laughter any longer as he said, “There is nothing wrong with the name Wilfred— why did I know this was going to be your reaction?”

Gasping for breath, Kate managed, “Because your middle name sounds like you’re a British archbishop.”

Kyle shook his head, the corners of his mouth curling up into a reluctant smile as he told her, “It’s really not that funny.”

“It really, really is,” Kate told him, grinning at him. He let out a half laugh, looking ruefully amused.

His gaze drifted past her, to the wide picture window behind them— and then his smile dropped away. Before Kate could even properly think to ask him what was wrong, he was moving towards her. 

Crashing into her, he grabbed her and rolled them both off the couch. In the same moment, a gunshot rang out, and the window behind them shattered.

Kate hit the ground a heartbeat later, landing on her side with Kyle on top of her. He didn’t move, and she felt a spike of panic go through her. “Chambers?” He didn’t respond, and she swallowed down the fear creeping in her chest. “Kyle!”

“I’m okay,” he said, rolling off of her and landing next to her with a grunt. “Are you? And the baby—”

“Both fine,” Kate told him, praying with all her might that it was true. Nothing felt wrong, and she hoped she’d realize it if there was.

“Good,” Kyle said, his expression going from worried to serious in a heartbeat. “Stay there.”

Kate opened her mouth to argue, but he was already moving— or rather, army crawling across the living room. Reaching the coffee table, he slid under it. A few seconds later, he rolled back out, carrying a gun.

“Wha— how long has that been under there?” Kate demanded as he checked the magazine with an easy, practiced motion.

“The whole time,” he said. “I wanted to be prepared, in case of, well, this.” 

As he locked it back into place, Kate caught sight of a dark stain on his arm— blood, she realized with a lurch. “You told me you were fine,” she said.

“What— I am, Kate. It just grazed me,” he assured her. “I’ll clean it later.”

Flipping onto his stomach, he crawled back over to her, and cautiously slid into a sitting position. “You stay down there.”

“I am not enjoying this,” Kate grumbled.

“I know. Pass me that pillow?”

Looking around, Kate spotted a cushion behind her. Grabbing it, she pushed it towards Kyle, who took it by the edge. “Time to see what we’re up against,” he muttered, and lobbed it into the air.

It hadn’t even reached the top of its arc when there were two sharp cracks, and the pillow exploded into a cloud of stuffing and bright fabric. Kate choked back a gasp of shock, and Kyle’s expression tightened slightly.

“We’ve got a professional out there,” he said, his tone even. “Don’t go near the windows.”

“Easier said than done,” Kate muttered, shocked by the steadiness of her own voice. Sarcasm helped, she supposed. “What are we going to do?”

Kyle didn’t answer right away, and Kate’s stomach tightened. Oh. So it’s that bad. Slowly, he said, “If the sniper out front is that good, there’s money involved. So if too much time passes without him being able to get to us, they’ll send a crew inside to get us. We can last a while against that.”

“But not long?” Kate persisted. She needed to know what they were looking at. The last thing she needed was Kyle going all chivalrous on her.

“Not long,” he said. “Hopefully long enough. I left my phone in my jacket— if we can get a hold of that, I can call work, and we’ll get backup headed our way. That’ll make our chances a lot better.”

“Okay,” Kate said, taking a deep breath. “Where’s your jacket?”

“Dining room.” Kyle frowned, and Kate could all but see him working through the variables. If he went and someone broke in, that would leave her defenseless. But if she went… there were far too many things that could go wrong. Things he couldn’t control.

But we don’t have time to spare worrying about that. “I’ll go,” she told him. “You can cover me. You’re the better shot anyways.”

“Kate—”

“Just shut up and cover me, Chambers.”

She could see he didn’t like it. But all he did was set his jaw, flip the safety off, and say, “Be careful.”

Kate didn’t dignify that with a response. 

Crawling across a room while four months pregnant was fairly awkward, but she found her rhythm quickly enough. As a thief, making her way through uncomfortable situations like this one was her expertise. Most of the time, she wasn’t being shot at, though. Or pregnant.

That said, she usually didn’t have someone watching her back, either.

She’d made it halfway to the doorway leading into the dining room when she heard a creak. A familiar one, in fact. The kind that the hinges on the back door usually made.

Kate’s heart nearly stopped, and she looked at Kyle. Rolling towards it, he flipped the coffee table on its side, sending a few books and a (thankfully unlit) candle clattering to the ground. Shoving the table towards her, he mouthed, Stay down.

For once, Kate listened to him. Hiding behind the table, she watched the partially open door that the intruder would most likely come through, heart pounding so hard she felt like it would burst. Kyle didn’t move, his weapon leveled towards the doorway as footsteps echoed through the house, coming closer with every agonizing second.

And then they stopped short. Kate counted thirty heart wrenchingly breathless seconds before a familiar, accented voice came through the door.

“Chambers, I’d rather like to leave the building intact, if you don’t mind.”

Kyle blinked, looking startled. “Andersen? Don’t come in, there’s a—”

“Sniper, yes. I know.”

“How?”

Andersen’s voice was wryly amused as he said, “One of the few benefits of a corrupt police department is that you can pay them off, too. And it makes it easier to get access to their radios. Ivan was monitoring their channel, and he saw there was a call about a suspicious car in your neighborhood that wasn’t followed up on. I connected the dots quickly enough.”

“I’ve never been so grateful for a nosy government,” Kate muttered, and she heard the soft sound of Andersen’s laugh.

Kyle grinned, too, but it faded away a few seconds later. “Sir, if you’re here, does that mean that—”

“It’s not Alban,” Andersen said. “Nothing points to it being him. Which means that, unfortunately, it’s most likely one of your enemies, Chambers.”

“Don’t rule out my enemies so quickly,” Kate offered. “Plenty of people hate me.”

“Oh, we know,” Andersen said amusedly. “But not many would order a hit on you. Kyle, on the other hand—”

“I have plenty of people who would do that, if provoked,” Kyle finished. “Sir, we need a plan to get Kate out of here as fast as possible.”

“We have a plan,” Andersen assured him, “to get both of you out of here. You’ll go out the back door, staying low. There are less windows back here, and we cleared it to make sure no one’s waiting. I’ll remain here to make sure they don’t think you’ve left until you’re well clear.”

Kyle’s brows drew together into a deep frown. “With respect, I don’t like that idea, sir.”

“Nothing you haven’t done for me.”

“But sir—”

“No buts.” Andersen sounded stern, which wasn’t a tone Kate often associated with him. “You have bigger responsibilities than just your work now. And I’ll be just fine.”

Kyle wanted to argue— Kate could see it. But instead, he nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

Without another word, the door swung a little farther open— just far enough that Kate could see Andersen waiting there. His eyes were alert and he held a weapon at the ready. “Kate, you first,” he said quietly. “Move as quickly as you can without drawing attention. Kyle, stay on her heels.”

While Kate generally preferred to ignore or at least bicker with authority figures, she could tell this wasn’t the time for it. So, keeping her mouth shut, she crawled over to the door, sliding through the half open gap without another word. 

As she scrambled away from it, leaving Kyle room to follow, Andersen helped her to her feet. “There’s a car out back with an agent I trust driving it,” he told them. “Get straight in and tell him to go. Don’t stop for anything. When you’ve made it clear, message me and I’ll meet you back at the office.”

“Understood,” Kyle said as Kate moved to one of the nearest cupboards and pulled it open. Inside were stashed two backpacks— emergency bags in case of a situation exactly like this one. Whatever else she and Kyle might have disagreed on, they were both in favor of being prepared. Especially while being hunted by dangerous criminals.

Slinging hers over her shoulder, she passed Kyle his as he got to his feet. “Should we go back for your phone?” she asked, but he shook his head.

“I have a burner in here. And we don’t have time to waste.” He paused, glancing at Andersen. “Sir…”

“Stop looking at me as if you’ll never see me again,” Andersen said. “I told you, I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ve no intention of letting a two-bit sniper be the one to do me in.”

“Yes, sir.” Kyle only looked marginally reassured. But that didn’t stop him from taking Kate’s hand and leading her towards the back door.

She let him take the lead on the way out, checking to make sure there was no one waiting for them other than the gray car idling in the alleyway. He was better at it, and truth be told, she was in no position to fight off assailants— physically or mentally. As she slid into the back seat of the car, it was slowly starting to hit her what had just happened.

Kate barely heard Kyle talking to the agent in the front seat, or the sound of the car moving forward. We just almost died. She wasn’t exactly unfamiliar with the sensation. She’d risked her life more times than she could count. So why was it hitting so hard this time?

Maybe it was the fact that she’d nearly been shot, but Kyle had taken the bullet— again. Maybe it was the fact that Andersen had volunteered to stay behind and risk his life for the two of them, without prompting. Or maybe it was the fact that it hadn’t just been her who was at risk.

I could have lost the baby. A shudder of fear and panic went through her, and suddenly she couldn’t stop shaking.

“Kate?” Kyle’s concerned voice cut through the haze, and she managed to glance up to where he was frowning at her, with the little furrows between his eyebrows that meant he was worried, not upset. “Are you okay?”

Don’t lose it. Not here, not now. Kate opened her mouth to say she was fine, that nothing was wrong, to make some kind of sarcastic comment like she always did. Instead, to her horror and embarrassment, she burst into tears.

For a moment, it was just her sobbing and trying desperately not to look at him. And then Kyle put his arms around her in such an unpretentious and kind way that all Kate could really do was bury her face in his shirt and cry.

It should have been strange. It was Chambers, for crying out loud. But these days, that meant something very different than it used to. So she just cried into his shirt while he rubbed her back gently, not saying anything.

Finally— she wasn’t sure how long it was— her sobs dwindled to the last few tears, and Kate realized that she had more than a few reasons to be embarrassed. She’d cried all over Chambers with no explanation, and while he’d handled it well enough… I have two choices. Just never move again, or move right now and never make eye contact with him again.

Before she could decide which, Kyle spoke. “Feeling better?” he asked quietly.

“A bit,” Kate mumbled, not lifting her head. She thought avoiding eye contact might be her best move for now. “I— I’m sorry, I don’t know why— usually I’m fine. It wasn’t that big of a deal, I’m just—”

“Pregnant?” Kyle suggested with a hint of amusement that Kate did not appreciate. Pulling away from him, she opened her mouth to tell him exactly what she thought— and then saw the sympathy in his eyes outweighed the humor.

“You know most normal people would have freaked out even earlier than that,” he pointed out. “You’re allowed to be scared.”

“I’m not scared,” Kate snapped, knowing she sounded foolish, that he wouldn’t believe her. Because it was a lie, really. She just hated that it wasn’t.

Kyle didn’t respond right away, and for a moment the two of them sat in silence, Kate wiping away the last of her tears. As she took a deep breath, steadying herself a little, Kyle said, “When my mom had my half sisters, she cried almost every day. Over the littlest things. And she’s one of the strongest people I know.”

Shooting a glance at him, Kate saw him watching her steadily. “Crying doesn’t make you weak, any more than fear does.”

“I said I wasn’t afraid,” Kate insisted.

“I was.”

Kate stared at him, taken aback. “You— is this some kind of reverse psychology to convince me to admit I’m afraid?”

“It’s to show you there’s nothing wrong with being afraid when you’re being shot at,” Kyle said with a hint of exasperation. “Or any time, for that matter. It doesn’t make you a coward, or weak, or whatever it is you think it makes you. All it makes you is human.”

For a moment, Kate didn’t speak. Then, tentatively, she ventured, “You didn’t seem scared.”

“Because I’m used to being shot at,” Kyle said tiredly. “That’s part of life for me, and I’ve learned to shut down the panicked side of it and focus on the solution. But also… I’ve never been in that situation when I had to protect you, and…”

“Our baby,” Kate murmured. It felt strange to say it, but it was true. Mostly.

“Yeah. It terrified me. If Andersen hadn’t shown up, I… I’m not sure what I would have done. Everything I could have to get you out of there, I guess.”

His expression was somber, but filled with a steady resolve. Huh. Not what I expected. Though this man rarely was. Kate opened her mouth to respond, but the agent in the front seat spoke first.

“Agent Chambers? We’ve left the radius Agent Andersen dictated. You can message him at any time.”

Nodding his thanks, Kyle dug through his backpack until he found the burner phone. As he focused on keying in the message, Kate said quietly, “Thank you.”

He looked up briefly, surprise crossing his face as he said, “You’re welcome.”

[vagueandominousvibes]

top five books!

Sam. You're asking someone with an MSc literature — someone who turned down a PhD in literature, not because she didn't want to do it, but because her mental health was shattered — about her top five books. Do you realise what you've done? You've enabled me, Sam.

I struggle choosing favourite books even on the best of days, so for the purpose of this I hope you don't mind if I expand it to also include literary series. In no particular order:

The Trials of Apollo, by Rick Riordan. I wrote one of the first 15,000 word research theses on this series. It hasn't been published, but it got me an overall Distinction in my MSc and I would gladly have done my PhD solely on this series. There is so much to talk about — the conversations about trauma, the triumph over childhood abuse (gaslighting), the realisation that sometimes you can't leave your family and have to find ways of living with it. And Apollo. I relate to Apollo, who starts out as The Worst children's novel protagonist, because I too grew up as a spoiled brat and had to work through years of trauma to become a decent human being (something I'm still working on, but that's another story). This series is so well written, so engaging, and touches on so many important issues. And I have a lot of feelings about it.

Smith of Wootton Major, by J. R. R. Tolkien. "But, Kalh," you might say, "why not The Lord of the Rings? Or The Hobbit? Or The Silmarillion? You know, the stuff you've published peer-reviewed research about?" No. Listen. Listen. The Legendarium is amazing and great and fantastic, but SoWM is where it's at. It's Tolkien's writing at its best. It's the epitome of a fairytale. It's short, tells half the story through symbolism and metaphors, and is absolutely gorgeous. It fully and completely embodies his theory of fairy stories, and years of literary research and writing. And it shows.

Howl's Moving Castle, by Diana Wynne Jones. I would have gone with the Chrestomanci series (also by her), but this novel has a decidedly special place in my heart. It was adapted as Studio Ghibli film, and I can absolutely see why. Reading it feels like looking at one of Marie Brožová's illustrations (example below). There's so many seemingly unimportant details that leap out of the background at various points, it's all fantastical, and it feels like a world where everything is possible. We all know Tolkien is renowned for his world-building, but god damn, Jones' is up there. You can tell she loved writing, because HMC practically glows with that love. It's magic incarnate and I'm so sad my copy of it is at my parents' place three flights away, because now I really want to re-read it.

(Source)

Deeplight, by Frances Hardinge. Ok, so I think I have pretty much every children's book Hardinge has ever written, because her world-building, her characters, and her prose is just that good. That said, Deeplight was the first novel by her I read. I was half-way through my MSc and was tired of Ballard, and Beckett, and Smith, and Spiotta, and I had picked this one up some weeks earlier because the cover intrigued me (yes, I judge books by their covers — it's how I've come across over half the books on this list). It's 442 pages long. I read it in one sitting. I still remember the absolute rollercoaster of rage and joy and grief and deep terror I felt reading it. I don't know if it would stand up to a re-reading, but I know that as a one-time read, it's fantastic.

Under the Whispering Doorway, by T. J. Klune. I was going to talk about Ross Montgomery, whose books I like more than Klune's, but UtWD has a special place in my heart due to the circumstances under which I read it. Last winter was rough (to the point where I considered moving six feet down). I had my parents' numbers blocked, refused to visit them alone, and spent the holiday with @foolsbangle (tagging you bc I don't know that I've ever actually expressed how much spending Christmas with you and your family meant to me). I had barely touched a book in several months, and was struggling through a one-year course on the History of Ideas. When I went to An's, I brought some books with me, in the hope that I'd be able to read again. One of these was UtWD. I retrieved it while An was drawing, snuggled up against them, and opened the book. After a while, I became aware An had started reading over my shoulder, and that — the fact that we were both reading the same book at the same time — kept me going. One of my last nights there, we stayed up until 7AM, snuggled up like that to finish the book. UtWD itself is alright. It has fun queer representation and some delightful character, but I've read better prose. Reading it with An like that, however, made it very special to me.

Other honorary mentions that were serious contenders for this list:

The Chime Seekers, by Ross Montgomery

The Midnight Guardians, by Ross Montgomery

The Snow Song, by Sally Gardener

This Is How You Lose the Time War, by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Six Crimson Cranes, by Elizabeth Lim

Men Without Women, by Haruki Murakami

Footprints: In Search of Future Fossils, by David Farrier

The Land of the Green Man, by Carolyne Larrington

Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett

You may be surprised that the Four Swords manga isn't on this list. This isn't because it's not one of my current favourites, but rather that the list only contains books and series I feel satisfied having read and analysed, without engaging in their respective fan communities. Think of it like the difference between walking through a museum and going to the playground. The above books are artefacts in a museum of literature, exhibited under spotlight, and I walk through the shadows to the curiosities I'm interested in examining. I look at their age and composition, discover their individual contexts, and peruse the research associated with each artefact.

The FS manga is a playground. It's somewhere where I get down on my knees and dig in the dirt, climb the monkey bars, and sit down with others to play with the dolls and action figurines scattered about. It's bright, sunlit, and colourful. It's paint splattered on walls and colourful handprints on thick paper that mum will make you sign in wobbly letters when it's dried. It's a creative endeavour that inspires joy and laughter, rather than the solemn contemplation of artefacts.

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Elisabeth von Österreich (1931) [Elisabeth of Austria]

Alright, Im not gonna lie, I didnt like this one very much

One of the big things that prevented me from really getting into this film was the audio. The volume was all over the place, especially in the beginning, with normal dialogue being way too quiet and stuff like a general (?) at the start yelling being way too loud, and it seemed like a lot of the dialogue was dubbed in, to the point where I thought that maybe they had to redub it years later in order to restore it or something, but the wikipedia page doesnt mention it so Im guessing it was just a consequence of sound being a very new thing in film at that point. There were also issues where I felt like they cut the audio weirdly. Like, during a lot of the silent moments you can hear some background noise that I guess the mics picked up on set, and whenever theres a longer silence they just completely cut that out so its dead-silent and it was very jarring when they went from that back to the dialogue. And it was kinda weird how there was basically no background music or score, but again, this was one of the earliest movies with sound, and it didnt take me out of the story too much, it was just something I noticed, so its not a big deal.

I also thought the pacing and editing were very strange; the movie as a whole had a very slow pace, as is typical for older films, and the editing usually matched that but then there were parts that were cut so sporadically, it was so weird. There were also parts that felt like comedy smashcuts. Like, there was this one bit where Rudolf talks to Mary after theyve been together for a while and after he's been engaged to Stephanie. He gives her a ring, she says something in disbelief (i dont remember what) and he says something to the effect of "And guess what else I did!" and then BAM! smashcut to Franz Joseph talking to the pope being like "He did WHAT??" talking about Rudolf requesting a divorce behind his back, or however you would say that in english. Honestly, this movie had a very weird tone, but I'll get into a bit later, for now I want to talk more about the pacing of the story in general, instead of just the pacing from scene-to-scene, because that also wasnt very good

It felt very meandering and aimless and really dragged on after a while, and Im not just saying that because it was slow compared to more modern movies and had a different story structure than Im used to. I know old movies tend to be slow and I admit that I dont have the longest attention span, but Ive seen a few films from the 1920s-30s and found some of them pretty engaging before so its not just that. I think its the fact that theres no real throughline, its just a series of vignettes that dont feel connected by much more than the fact that they all star the same few characters. Theres no theme or really a point other than portraying Elisabeth's life from shortly before the birth of Rudolf up to her death, and I dont think that was executed very well. One thing that particularly bothered me was how the story would just jump ahead several years or months with basically no visual indication that any time had passed. Like, okay, let me briefly describe to you four scenes that mostly happen one after another towards the beginning of the movie:

Elisabeth is at a concert/dance performance-type thing and starts feeling faint so she leaves the room and her servants tell her to go to bed

A doctor is in Elisabeth's room when Franz Joseph comes in, he tells him that she's pregnant and needs the most rest, leaves, then we see Franz Joseph and Elisabeth be excited about their new child

Sometime after Rudolf is born, Elisabeth is still resting in bed and asks one of her servants to bring him to her, she tells her that he's gone and with Sophie which upsets her. Then Franz Joseph comes up to her and asks her why shes so upset and they argue for a bit

A bunch of business men have an audience with Franz Joseph to tell him that business has been getting worse because the empress hasnt been in Vienna for years and ask him to get her to come back, to which hes just like "sorry, the doctor prescribed her some time in the mountains, theres nothing I can do"

like huh??? And then shortly after that we already see Rudolf as a grown adult with absolutely no transition! I swear, its like a worse version of the second act of Elisabeth das Musical

Speaking of Rudolf, I felt like he took up an awful lot of screen time in this film called "Elisabeth of Austria". And I dont think I would have minded it if his storyline was executed in an interesting way, but it wasnt. I thought it was very shallow and honestly, if I didnt know the historical context I would've found the scene where he commits suicide extremely confusing. As it stands, I just think it was badly executed. Like, he goes to (what I assume to be) his house in Mayerling where a bunch of his friends are having fun, theres music and women and alcohol, Mary is waiting for him in another room, he excuses himself to go to her, tells her about how his request for a divorce didnt come through and that theres only one option for them now, then we cut to this extended bit of all the men getting more and more jovial (I think some of them start singing) and then theres two shots from the other room and everything goes quiet for a long moment before they go to check on them and find them dead. Idk, it doesnt sound that bad when I just lay it out like that, but I dont think its as impactful as it should have been on its own, and also just didnt have the necessary buildup to make it impactful

This ties in really well into another complaint I have, which is that none of main characters (Elisabeth, Franz Joseph, Rudolf) felt fleshed out. They were so shallow and their interactions with eachother were very stiff which really didnt help, although granted, that might just be because its an old movie about monarchs from the late 19th century, so that could just be a case of there being different social conventions at play than Im used to. In any case, Elisabeth was probably the strongest character, I thought she had some good interactions with her ladies-in-waiting and I thought her scenes with Rudolf were sweet and I enjoyed them, even though I wouldve liked their relationship to be less straightforwardly good and a bit more complicated. I will say though, despite thinking that Elisabeth is the best written character, I found it weird how the very beginning of the film makes her seem naive and out-of-touch with her empresshood as though she only recently got married to Franz Joseph, but then they later establish that this is only a while before Rudolf's birth, so she's been at this for some time. I mean, she even says, during that argument with Franz Joseph after Sophie took Rudolf, "Ive gotten used to being in a golden cage by now"

Speaking of the beginning, remember how I said that the movie had kindof a weird tone but that I was gonna talk about it in detail later? Later is now.

The first 10 (or maybe 20, I didnt have a good sense of time watching this) minutes act as essentially an introduction to Elisabeth (and to a lesser extend Franz Joseph and Sophie, who basically disappears after this timeslot) and theyre so much sillier and more light-hearted than the rest of the film. Like, from these first few minutes I thought this was basically going to be a kind of proto-version of the Sissi-trilogy in terms of tone, but instead it was..... whatever it actually was. Honestly, now that Im actually trying to write about my issues with the tone of this movie, Im struggling to really describe what those are. Maybe its the fact that it didnt really make me feel anything other than like, "interested" i guess; it was an interesting watch because it was made in a completely different time and you notice that no matter what you focus on, the cinematography, the sets, the acting, the way the imperial monarchy is presented, but I just could not get genuinely invested, which made the emotional moments pretty much all fall flat, and I think thats the main reason why the tone was so strange to me.

Although to be fair, there was one emotional moment that I thought was good, and by one moment I mean two moments that I unfortunately only half-like.

Moment One was Elisabeth being told of Rudolf's suicide. While all the stuff at Mayerling happens and one of the guys there gets sent off to deliver the news of Rudolf's death to his family, shes sitting in her room being read poetry by her lady-in-waiting. The messenger tells the news to the guards stationed in front of Elisabeth's door, then we see one of the guards enter her room and theres a beat and then we just hear Elisabeth's anguished crying while the guard and her lady-in-waiting leave and the camera never leaves this hallway in front of her room, I think its very strong. Or, I thought it was very strong, because it seems that had mixed up the two women and Elisabeth was actually the one who left the room and I guess her lady-in-waiting was the one who cried ? Idk man, this is a black and white movie where most of the characters dress kindof similarly and the version that I watched didnt have the best image quality, so despite my best efforts and despite the fact that I did not look at my phone once during my whole watchthrough (which is something I have difficulties with) I kept mixing up characters. In hindsight, that definitely contributed a lot to my struggling to get invested

But anyway, Moment Two actually comes right after the first one. The reason Elisabeth left her room was to tell Franz Joseph right away. He's working at his desk and kind of dismissively asks her something to the effect of "huh, how come youre up so early?" when she comes in and Elisabeth doesnt acknowledge it at all, she just tells him but you can tell that she's struggling to even say the words and trying so hard not to completely break down, I think her actress, Lil Dagover, was really strong here. I just wish we couldve actually seen her face and the emotions on her face and didnt just have to hear them in her voice, because most of this scene consists of this closeup of Franz Joseph dropping a pen or a cigarette and then clenching his hand and then burying his head in his hands and crying, and its just like come onnnnnnnn, show me Elisabeth's face! This is her movie and I do NOT care about Franz Joseph!!

Whatever. I was just about to wrap it up because this review is getting long and Ive spent hours writing it already, but I just remembered something that I actually wanted to bring up while talking about tonal issues but then briefly forgot about, and I cant figure out how to organically add it to that section of the post, so Im just tacking it on at the end. Atleast its not completely out-of-place since Im gonna talk about the end of the film, which seems like a fitting end to this review.

Obviously its Elisabeth with her lady-in-waiting in Geneva, about to board the ship when she suddenly gets stabbed. Elisabeth falls to the ground while her lady-in-waiting freaks out a bit, but she just stands back up and brushes it off ?? And like, her lady-in-waiting more or less stops being concerned as well after Elisabeth says shes fine, they just walk towards the ship at a leisurely stroll like nothing even happened. Like, did she not actually get stabbed? is she not actively bleeding out?? And this is intercut with this whole crowd of people swarming around the guy who stabbed her and theyre yelling at him, but theyre yelling like "thief!" and not "murderer!" for some reason?? Elisabeth does start to sway while she's boarding the ship and the other passengers notice, but theyre not like "holy shit, she's bleeding out!" theyre just like "oh, she looks sick" huh??? So then she collapses and they bring her to the ship doctor and they do give her a bandage to cover her unacknowledged wound with, its very strange.

And then she properly dies, this is actually another moment that I find quite effective. The doctor tries to speak to her but she's already delirious and mutters some unintelligable nonsense, getting increasingly quieter until she's silent, then we get this shot of the back of her head as she slowly lifts her head to look backwards directly into the camera. I thought she was gonna have some poignant last words here, but she just goes stiff and then the doctor closes her eyes. Right after I watched it, I thought this last shot was unsettling in a horrorstory kind of way and found it inappropriate, but after thinking about it more and replaying it in my head a few times, I actually found it unsettling in a way that I feel is appropriate for a depiction of a person dying and pretty effective.

So yeah, all in all, while this movie certainly isnt the worst thing Ive ever seen, it does get a big thumbs down from me ���

Before you go, heres two small, kinda stupid things that I couldnt fit anywhere else but didnt want to not mention:

For that concert/dance performance-thing they put Elisabeth in that white dress with the flowers (or stars?) in her hair from that one really iconic painting, and it looks bad. Or, well, it doesnt look bad in a vacuum, but I think its a bad recreation of a very gorgeous dress. I expect that most of the Sissi-movies will feature that dress at some and I'll be sure to pay close attention to how good it looks there too

The scene where Rudolf gives Mary a ring takes place in what appears to be his bedroom and his bed is just standing right in the middle with two bigass lamps next to it, why would you do that

[ruiiplume]

Happy 17th anniversary Twilight Princess ✨

[huginsmemory]

Ideology of Exceptionalism and Gravity Falls; meta and character analysis

I had a whole ago read a post by @icanlife that had a quote by Alex Hirsch on Ford's greatest flaw, and wanted to explore what the flaw is, which is the ideology of exceptionalism; in the exploration, I’ll touch on what it is and how it is used in abusive relationships and cults, as well as how it drives multiple Gravity Falls characters and consequently how it impacts relationships between these characters, and how the show ultimately refutes exceptionalism.

Quick note here; I am not in any way, shape or form a psychologist nor have any formal training in psychology; this is written from my own experiences with this ideology and my own forays into psychology and trauma-informed learning. It is also written with a loose understanding that is likely not broad enough to cover all references to cults, extremist groups and abusive relationships. 

The Ideology of Exceptionalism 

First of all, we have to get through a drier bit, which is… what is the ideology of exceptionalism and how does it arise? Might be fairly obvious, but it is the belief that you are, or belong to, a group of exceptional people, thus more important and worth more than anyone else; ie, those who don't qualify as 'exceptional'. It is often a subconsciously learned ideology. Now, what qualifies one as exceptional can be extremely varied; generally it revolves around something that provides some form of privilege. Thus, it might be, as the main exceptionalist idea in Gravity Falls, 'intelligence', or power, or it can be such things as attractiveness, quantity of money one has, species, nationality, or skin colour and ancestral heritage. The ideology of exceptionalism, being by nature hierarchical, devalues, and at its worst, openly and violently dehumanizes those who do not qualify as exceptional. 

For why exceptionalism occurs is an extremely broad topic, but I've personally found that, for exceptionalism revolving around intelligence, it's a result of a poor sense of self-worth, and having one's self-worth tied to what makes one exceptional. Poor self-worth itself (again, broadly) is a result of childhood trauma from a lack of positive affirmation and unfulfillment of the emotional needs of the child. Meanwhile, self-worth becoming tied to the quality of exceptionalism generally is a result of when positive affirmation was pretty much solely provided around their 'exceptionalism', especially when provided derogatory commentary, or a blatant example of how they would be treated if they aren't 'exceptional'. As a result of the general lack of affirmation, self-worth then becomes often solely reliant on the qualities of exceptionalism, as that is the only way for the child (and later, adult) to get affirmation of their worth, as well as out of fear of being ‘not worth anything’ like the examples of ‘non-exceptional’ people they have been given. 

This is especially likely to occur when the child is a social outcast; the adoption of the hierarchical ideology of exceptionalism, and the devaluation/dehumanization of others often occurs subconsciously as an avoidance/minimization tactic from pain. This is to say, the child, and later the adult (if healthy self-worth is not established) goes 'it doesn't matter what the non-exceptional people say or if they accept me since I matter more than them because of my exceptionality'. It can even be taken further, that being shunned is part of one's exceptionalism, and becomes part of the qualifier of being exceptional. For instance, 'they just can't understand because they aren't exceptional and that's just a part of being exceptional'. This idea also neatly tailors into the part of the concept of being better then others means you are separate from others; this can be taken that someone who is special, needs to be alone to be truly special.

Obviously, exceptionalism is not a healthy coping mechanism for poor self-worth, as often such people constantly feel the need to prove and show off their exceptionalism to gain that affirmation and avoid rejection, which is stressful. As well, it often negatively impacts their relationships with other people as a result of the arrogance of believing that they are better than most others, or even deliberate sabotage due to their arrogance. This occurs as they flatten the complexity of human experience to black-and-white hierarchical categories of exceptional/not-exceptional through constant judgement of those they meet, and often refuse to engage with people who don't belong to their 'exceptionality', or even people they simply don't like, even if they technically qualify. Generally, those that they do like or have close relationships with, often due to being similar, are automatically labelled as 'exceptional'. Those judged as ‘exceptional’ also become privy to the open judgements of ‘non-exceptional’ others, out of a subconscious belief by the exceptionalist that the other believes similarly; something that may strain their relationship if the other doesn’t ascribe to exceptionalism. This all culminates in the exceptionalist being blind or even adverse to the diversity of experiences, which makes it difficult to create relationships and community outside of echo chambers of their own beliefs (if they can even find this), and subsequently, these people are often isolated and have very few to no close relationships with people. 

However, all humans require connections with other people, relationships where one can rely on others emotionally and physically if needed and feel accepted; they also require to feel like they are worth something, that their life has meaning. Lacking meaningful connections and having a crippled sense of self-worth, a deep yearning hole is left in these people. Exceptionalism, especially as it is a narrative constantly pushed by Western society as it validates hierarchies, is then employed as a (often subconscious) trauma response to assuage this yearning hole, with arrogance and denial. And depending on the circumstances, it can be a very strong and definitive trauma response for people.

This isolation and lack of self-worth is catnip to abusive relationships, including cults and extremist groups. These types of relationships often heavily rely on isolating their victims or pulling them into echo chambers of solely the abuser’s rhetoric, to redefine what is healthy through gaslighting; as the exceptionalists are already isolated, this makes them extremely susceptible. They also often provide these people affirmation, and in these cases especially about their exceptionalism, thus confirming their self-worth, their 'specialness', while also providing them the connection they have been lacking, either through the cult community or through the abuser’s own presence. These emotional needs, which haven’t been met in a long time, if ever, begin to be fulfilled; something that abusive relationships and cults hinge on, rather than any form of logic.

Ideology of Exceptionalism and Gravity Falls

The main characters within Gravity Falls which are heavily ascribed to exceptionalism would be both Ford and Bill; this characterization deeply impacts the story and their relationships with others (technically the Northwest are another case regarding wealth, but less directly impact the storyline and thus tangential; Gideon also is an example, but as a mirror of Bill). With each of these characters I’ll go into detail within their sections on the way they began to ascribe to exceptionalism, and how it plays out later in their relationships; I will first begin with Ford, then move to Bill. Then, to cap it off, I’ll go into the characterization of Stan and the way Gravity Falls refutes exceptionalism. 

Ford and Exceptionalism

Firstly, the quote from Alex Hirsch that kicked this whole baby off, as mentioned previously; 

“Ford sees Dipper as someone who’s special like himself. That’s Ford’s great flaw, his arrogance is he believes that there’s special people, and everyone else. That human attachments are actually weaknesses. And the song and dance that he’s giving Dipper right now, is the song and dance that he gave McGucket, back when they were younger… ‘You and me are different, we’re better than everyone else. We have a path that no one else can understand, and only us can do this.’ It’s a very seductive idea for Dipper… Dipper is a smart kid, but Ford’s projecting. Ford loves Dipper because he sees someone who’ll tell him ‘yes’ to everything. Who’ll never challenge him, who’ll do a really insane dangerous mission.”

Very blatantly Alex Hirsch calls Ford out on his arrogance in the belief that he is special, in his belief in the 'lone hero' complex, in his belief in exceptionalism. And really, it should be no surprise that Ford does so, considering the way he's depicted as a social outcast as a child (other than Stan), and the way his parents have been clearly shown to be not particularly emotionally supportive (“I’m not impressed”); they don't provide positive affirmation except for his intelligence (mostly due to the possibility of money making through it…), while also actively comparing him to Stan who is derogatorily ‘not-exceptional’, and ‘worth less’. This all sets Ford’s self-worth up to be fragile, and other than Stan who wholeheartedly accepts him, he is isolated and invalidated; plus, the only other validation he receives is around his intelligence. All very classically fitting the profile for exceptionalism.

Image id: Stand and Ford when they were children, both clearly enjoying each other's company.

Ford’s belief in his exceptionalism catalyzes after the shattering of his and Stan’s relationship. Previously the twins are shown to do everything together, having a very close caring relationship; something unlikely if Ford thought he was better than Stan. Also, when Ford is talked to about his opportunities, Ford looks uncomfortable at the way they talk about Stan as inferior, compared to how he himself is being praised; but in the offer he’s simultaneously finally being validated, he’s being told he’s someone worth something, and he’s going to be someone worth something after this. And then the science fair incident occurs, and Ford loses that validation from his parents, from the judges and a future of more validation; after being promised validation and acceptance, it slips through his fingers. And in his anger of being denied that, it becomes easy to begin to slip subconsciously into the rhetoric the others have been feeding him; that he’s exceptional, that Stan isn’t, and he deserved to be recognized for his worth. So he breaks the relationship with the only person who accepted and validated him for who he is. With that loss of previous support, Ford becomes then deeply obsessed with proving his exceptionalism to the world to assuage that fragile self-worth, to become accepted, or even better, revered, confirming that he is someone of worth, someone special, like he was promised. 

Ford’s obsession also doubly functions as a way to alleviate his guilt over shattering their relationship; if he’s exceptional as he believes, then he’s within the right to respond the way he did, as he’s worth more than Stan, he's better off alone, and he has a right to be angry over being denied that validation. As well, in much the same way as it is used as a way to alleviate his guilt over the end of their relationship, it is also likely used in a way to minimize the pain of being ostracized (although not directly depicted); afterall, Ford’s keenly aware and insecure about his social ineptitude and his six fingers as things that make him different from other people, case in point with his experience visiting Lazy Susans Diner. Thus it wouldn’t be unsurprising if he uses the idea of being worth more than those who ostracize him to imply it ‘doesn’t matter’ what they think. His ostracization by nature keeps him from generally forming close relationships, with the exception of Fiddleford (who much like him, is socially outcast, and intelligent) during his university days. As a result, he's isolated and acutely lonely, having lost Stan.

Image id: One of the missing Journal 3 pages in TBOB, detailing Ford's botched social interaction in Lazy Susans Diner. In the background is the print of his six-fingered hand.

In his obsession over being acknowledged, Ford, like many others who believe in exceptionalism, identifies strongly with the causes of his ostracization (his intelligence, his six-fingeredness) as part of, or wholly, makes him exceptional. It is obvious through his choice of study; with the grant he has been gifted, he chooses to revolve his work around the weird, the outcast, something that you see Ford gravitate towards being an outcast and deemed 'weird' himself (which in Journal 3 he openly talks about). Something that can be, much like him, framed as 'exceptional'. His work is even recorded in a journal that Ford deliberately chooses to put his six-fingered hand on the cover of. Intertwined with the way it becomes adopted into the idea of exceptionalism, is the keen loneliness from his ostracization and a deep desire to be accepted and a wish to find a community of other weird people.

Image id: Two pages from journal 3, labelled 'Myself', in which Ford is open about being weird, and a social outcast, while also noting his ambitions and that 'Gravity Falls, [is] the place that I fit in.'

Ford and Bill

All of this culminates in Ford becoming an incredibly easy target to manipulate by Bill. He’s desperate to be acknowledged (and thus accepted) by an authority figure so that his belief in exceptionalism is justified and his self-worth confirmed. And he knows he’s intelligent, that he's exceptional because people have told him so, but he just needs to prove it with something that shakes the world. And the grant is finally his second chance after the fair, but he's stuck, and the research is going nowhere, and he's in a town where he doesn't really know anyone and he’s so terribly lonely. And sure, he clings to his exceptionalism but if he can't even prove it then is he really exceptional? Is he even worth anything like he thought he was? And what about what he's left behind, rejected, because of his exceptionalism?

And THEN he finds an incantation and he ignores the warnings because maybe, just maybe, this will be his break to get that acceptance/validation he has been chasing his whole life? 

And then it's better than that. 

A god, essentially, shows himself to him, an ultimate figure of authority. And he tells him that yes, he is special, he’s worth more than other people, and Bill’s only showing himself to Ford because he is so much more intelligent than anyone else. Ford is suddenly getting his exceptionalism confirmed by a god of ancient knowledge, an immensely intelligent interdimensional being, and he’s also showering him with affirmations, specifically affirmations around what Ford's fragile self-worth is based on. And even better, he's delighted by Ford's six-fingeredness; he's not put off at all, it even becomes his main nickname for Ford, just like it used to be for Stan all those years ago. On top of it all, Ford's own social ineptitude doesn't phase Bill, another thing Ford is self-conscious about; Bill's own social ineptitude as he's not human probably makes Ford feel comfortable, knowing that's not expected from him.

Through Bill, not only does Ford find someone who validates his self-worth through intelligence and even confirms to him that his weirdness is part and parcel of making him special, he also finds someone who he regularly (generally) is in contact with, who enjoys talking to him and even banters with him familiarly. Hell, Bill even deliberately goes out of his way (literally possessing a whole wack ton of rats, then dream karaoke) to celebrate his birthday with him; how long do you think Ford has simply skipped his birthday since he had no one to really celebrate it with? The loneliness, beneath his arrogance and belief in exceptionalism, is being fulfilled; for the first time since Ford was a teenager, he's fully accepted by someone, social awkwardness, six fingers, exceptionalism and all. 

Image id: One of the lost pages from Journal 3 in TBOB, the 'one thing led to another' page, with Bill and Ford singing karaoke and drinking together, both clearly enjoying themselves; Bill has an arm slung around Ford's shoulders.

So it's really no surprise at all that Ford fell for this, hook line and sinker. Hell, if I was in Ford's shoes I would fall for it just as hard. And I've seen a few posts floating around talking about how Bill is bad at manipulating, and no, he's not. He was able to pinpoint exactly what Ford wanted and needed, and provided that, was charismatic enough to provide that. Again, manipulation isn't about logic. It really isn't; it's about the emotional core in people, what people lack and what you can give them to slowly reel them in to sing your dance and song. And people will ignore vast swaths of red flags when you're finally being accepted, when you're finally getting your emotional needs met at least in some way or form. It's better than not having them met at all, such as previously. So Ford worshipping Bill is really not a surprise, especially as Bill deliberately stoked it.

All of this is part of why you see Alex Hirsch call Ford's belief in his exceptionalism his greatest flaw; because it allowed him to be very easily manipulated by Bill, and by its nature kept Ford isolated from others, evident by his arrogance in assuming he knows best and refusing to see other people who aren't as 'intelligent/weird' as him as worth getting to know, listen too and even reach out to ask help from, it's him believing he has to be the lone hero as someone whose 'special'. It's something that blinds him to the danger of his work around the weirdness of gravity falls because he’s desperate to seek a place where he and his weirdness belong, and it's something that plays out in each and every relationship he has because it's something he clings to so deeply. It's what cost him his relationship with Stan, who previously accepted him completely, and, as he's disinclined to form new relationships and as Bill actively strokes his paranoia (Trust No One…), ultimately further increases the hold Bill has over him. It's only Fiddleford’s presence as he works with Ford that allows him some form of outside reference and reprieve from solely Bill’s influence, something that Bill resents deeply and is clearly jealous and angry about, even if Fiddleford is helping create the portal. And it's ultimately Fiddleford, once he was aware enough of what was happening, calls Ford out on it, seriously jeopardizing Bill's influence over Ford; but Ford is too invested in the portal, in chasing his own ambition and caught up in Bill’s manipulation to take him seriously, until the incident with the trial, and Ford beginning to hear other voices then Bill.

Ford’s Exceptionalism and Wider Relationships

Now back to how it plays out in all Ford's relationships; we've already gone over it with Bill's influence, because it made him extremely easy to manipulate, and with his disregard of Stan in favor of validation of his exceptionalism. But Ford, as pointed out by Alex Hirsch, also exerts the ideology's seductive rhetoric to both Fiddleford and Dipper (who look up to Ford) in a similar way that Bill does with him (although there is a difference of it being used intentionally and maliciously, compared to subconsciously and earnestly, even if it is problematic). Ford, with his black-and-white view of exceptionalism, sees both Fiddleford and Dipper as people who are like him; 'exceptional', and so he treats them as such, and uses this rhetoric to coerce them into helping him.

For Fiddleford, the lure is how he can change the world, how he can be finally acknowledged if he helps Ford with the portal. And it works well; he willingly chooses to leave his own work and his wife and young son, to work with Ford. Much like Ford, Fiddleford himself is also a social outcast and regularly presumed less smart than he is, and he’s got a chip on his shoulder to prove himself, to gain acknowledgement and recognition from the world at large. Although Fiddleford has a family which presumes he’s not entirely lonely like Ford is, he also clearly has deep feelings for Ford, some which are hinted to be more than just ‘friendly’ feelings; it is likely the combination of the lure of validation and spending time with Ford, a kindred spirit that accepts him and an old friend/crush, that causes him to agree (afterall, it was Ford who made Fiddleford feel accepted and choose to stay at Backupsmore). And Fiddleford’s not even considered a partner, but rather an assistant to Ford due to Ford's arrogance, and he still drops everything to go! It’s more about their relationship and connection rather than validation, but that doesn’t stop Ford from espousing exceptionalism. And this is a distinguishing difference, because although Fiddleford would like recognition, he’s not there solely because of it; he’s not a believer in exceptionalism nor arrogant about his skills, and so, unlike Ford who is blinded by his obsession, he’s much more aware of the dangers of the weirdness of Gravity Falls. Thus, he's actively calculating the risks involved, and when he realizes there could be potentially devastating consequences of the portal, he attempts to talk Ford out of it; this fails due to Ford’s own denial and obsession over the portal. In the end, it all goes terribly sideways, and Fiddleford ends up losing everything he had; his wife, his son, his friend, his memories and himself to the trauma he had experienced at the invitation of his friend with the lure of validation and company, due to the memory gun he had created himself. 

As for Dipper, much like Ford, he also has issues with self-worth (many of the episodes deal with Dipper finding self-worth; ie, the manotaur episode), has a physical oddity (his birthmark) and by far the trait he relies on most for worth is his intelligence (for example, in one episode he rubs it into Mabel's face over and over again in beating her in games). He's also extremely desperate to be recognized by authority figures as someone intelligent, case in point when he summons the dead after being made fun of by the government agents to try and show them that the information he's gathered is important after Stan dismisses his knowledge. This desperation to be seen as someone of worth from Dipper, much like Ford, extends to the need to be a hero, something he even says at the end of the zombie episode; yet, due to Mabel, unlike Ford he's not a lone hero, and Mabel also half the time acts as the hero.

Image id: Zombies crawling out of a crack after Dipper summons them; Dipper and the two agents look on in horror.

It all culminates in Dipper hero-worshipping Ford when he returns; really, no different than Ford worshipping Bill. And Ford clearly finds it extremely flattering; Dipper's attention and amazement of him feeds his exceptionalism. Exactly how Ford responded to Bill, Dipper is willing to do anything for Ford, excited too, in an attempt to impress Ford and be validated and accepted. And for Ford, that's an extremely heady feeling, especially as someone who has been constantly alone the last 30 years, especially when he had one previously confirm his exceptionalism all those years ago and stopped, and now someone is once again affirming that idea. And Ford doesn't have to be alone again, because he's found a kindred spirit in Dipper as his assistant, someone ‘just’ like him, someone who is exceptional. Because he sees himself in Dipper, he begins to espouse exceptionalism unconsciously, by praising Dipper's own intellect and adventurous spirit, assuaging his feeling of self-worth, while also telling him he's more important or better than others because of it. 

And it's seductive to Dipper, because he wants to hear those affirmations of his self-worth, especially as he hero-worships him, but Dipper isn't sold on it, because it means leaving Mabel behind, it means believing that he's worth more than Mabel (and also, Stan, and all his friends he’s made in Gravity Falls). It's ultimately because of his relationship with Mabel that he rejects the ideology; he's not isolated the way Ford was with Bill, and he's not willing to break that relationship for that acknowledgement, because his relationships matter more to him.

Bill and Exceptionalism

Now of course, that's only on the Pines; what about Bill? 

While it's obvious that Bill uses exceptionalism as a main manipulative tactic, it's not just an ideology he sprouts emptily; it's also an ideology he believes in, just like Ford, although it's less based on intellectual exceptionalism, and more on power and 'weirdness'. 

This most distinctly can be seen in Bill's denial about what happened to his home dimension; Bill's belief in his exceptionalism occurs as a pain avoidance tactic from killing his whole dimension. Bill was clearly a social outcast within his dimension due to being able to see 3d; he's not accepted, and not trusted, to the point that there is medical intervention to make him blind. That's a deeply traumatic experience that completely erases one sense of self-worth, where one’s sanity is called into question by your parents on something that is not harmful, that's beautiful and you just want to share with them. It's a deep and clear rejection of who Bill is, and his ability. As a result, out of a desperate bid to be understood and accepted, he ends up trying to show them the stars. And it ends up killing everyone. 

Image id: Page of TBOB, on 'The Early Years' which notes that Bill was an oddity for seeing 3d, something that was illegal to speak about. Bill frames it as something that made him 'special' and better than all the others.

Traumatized, and originally rejected by the dimension, he instead weaves an excuse of exceptionalism; that it doesn't matter what he did to them because he's exceptional and he's worth more than all of them because he can see 3d, because he's powerful, so he shouldn't/'doesn't' feel any remorse about it. With such a traumatic result of trying to be accepted by people, he rejects the idea of trying to be accepted for who he really is; instead adopting a facade of a monster that he believes he is (and eventually, becomes).

Even if he clings to the delusion of exceptionalism, and shuns attempts to find true acceptance, he still wants it; and that's where his henchmaniacs fit in, as they're all, as Bill's noted when trying desperately to get Ford to join him, weird; each has something 'wrong' with them, which is why Bill accepted them as his lackeys (although it's not like we know the context around these). It's a surface-level acceptance however, one more predicated on fear than emotional acceptance. He's taken his 'weirdness', much like many do who believe in exceptionalism,as ‘part of what makes him exceptional'.

In the same way that Ford wants to show the world that he's smart and intelligent by building the portal, Bill does so by wreaking havoc and taking over existences as a way to show the world that he's powerful, that he's someone to be reckoned with, that he's not someone to be ignored because he's someone who's worth more than others. If you can't be loved and accepted, then being hated and feared is better than being ignored; acknowledgement at least approaches acceptance, it's validation of some sort of worth. It also functions as deliberate self-sabotage of his morals, by proving that he is the monster that killed his entire dimension; if that's what he is, then that's who he's going to be, because if he wasn’t, then he has to come face to face with his remorse over what he did to his dimension and his whole house of cards around his exceptionalism and not caring collapses. So instead he keeps feeding the delusions the denial, and lies and lies and lies and keeps lying to ignore all of it, to wrap himself in this shroud of exceptionalism and brutality as a way to function. And it somewhat works, because he's mostly deluded himself about it all, even if subconsciously he knows. 

And of course, this display of Bill's exceptionalism is what brings Bill to earth, to Gravity Falls, and to manipulating humans. In meddling with earth and humanity, beyond Bill's goal of taking over earth and fleeing his own unravelling dimension, he also enjoys reaping the benefits of being worshiped by humans, who find him awe-inspiring. Their amazement of who he is, and Bill's own posturing and manipulation of people leads to Bill literally forming cults (ie ciphertology) or having apprentices that worship/find him (to varying degree) inspiring; all reinforcing his feelings of exceptionalism. 

Of course, Ford numbers among these people; he praises Bill and worships him, as he's played like a fiddle by Bill, because his self-worth and belief in exceptionalism is fucked up in a way that perfectly resonates with Bill’s. Because it's the exact same types of issues around self-worth, around being an outcast, being weird and wrong physically, and yet at the same time gifted. And Ford clearly is incredibly lonely and yearning for acceptance, but so is Bill; since the beginning he's been trying to find someone who would accept him, even if he's given up on it. And for his song and dance to entice Ford in, he pretends he's not crushed dimensions for fun, that he's not a 'monster'; a version of him he buried after he had tried to show his parents the stars, one that he occasionally resurrects and puppets around for manipulation (all lies are better when they have a grain of truth). And this version of him is worshipped, but above all is accepted, is loved by Ford. The softer parts of Bill, even if they are still weird as fuck, the parts that were never far beneath the surface for all his deluding, become loved by Ford. Much as Ford becomes hooked on Bill’s praise, Bill also becomes hooked on Ford's genuine love and care. It becomes personal, unlike any previous ‘inspirations’ and Bill over time gets to the point that he feels accepted, safe enough with Ford to share about his dimension much more close to the truth then he did with any of his henchmaniacs. He becomes vulnerable with Ford, in response to Ford’s own vulnerability with him. He’s finding acceptance for the first time in his life around the softer parts of himself, not just the feared acknowledgement that comes from his dimensions conquering; much like Ford is finally finding companionship and acceptance with Bill, not just only intellectual validation. Bill's also for once, not just self-serving; he cares, and goes out of his way to take time with Ford, even celebrating Ford's birthday (in the unique way he does things), both with the rats and the karaoke.

Image id: One of the lost Journal 3 pages in TBOB. Ford recounts Bill talking about the destruction of his dimension, and calls himself by implication a monster.

They're both fulfilling each other's emotional needs, needs which both of them have struggled with most, if not all of their lives (although their relationship is certainly not healthy, considering it's codependent as fuck, riddled with exceptionalism and oodles of power imbalance issues). And suddenly, against Bill's plans, Ford's no longer just a disposable pawn, but someone Bill wants as part of his team, someone by his side, closer than his henchmaniacs are. He's unwittingly fallen for Ford, and so when everything goes sideways in his plan, and Ford swears it off, suddenly cutting off their relationship and that acceptance Bill had finally felt, he spirals into grief and anger from the rejection. As a result, he becomes extremely abusive to Ford in desperate attempts to continue their relationship, and ultimately he becomes obsessive over Ford joining him again as Ford continues to refuse, as evidenced by both Weirdmageddon and the Book of Bill.

Stanley Pines, and the Refuting of Exceptionalism 

Exceptionalism, being a negative driving factor behind many core character dynamics, is ultimately refuted by the show. This occurs multiple times over the show, such as with Mabel in the Pioneer Day episode, especially compared to Pacifica, but mostly through Stan's characterization. Stan is someone who has been since the beginning characterized (if lovingly so) as someone who is a failure by societal standards; he’s an older man running a run-down tacky tourist shop to swindle gullible tourists out of their money, has multiple divorces, has an ongoing feud with a literal 12 year old, clearly has had multiple mishaps with the law (some ongoing), is generally pretty self-serving and is extremely lonely and really had no close relationships until Mabel and Dipper showed up. He's not exceptional; he's not even what we would consider 'decent' enough to have a 'typical, hard working job’. In short, he’s a failure, a stark difference to the idea of 'exceptionalism' that characterizes Ford. If he's gifted in any area, it would be charisma (debatedly), not anything else.

But it's still Stan who rebuilds the portal from literally only one journal (not all three!) and gets it to work. It even seems like he only needs some codes from the other two journals when he does get them, suggesting that he was able to extrapolate from what was left and the first journal’s blueprints to fix it entirely, something that is extremely difficult and technically complicated (Ford, Bill and Fiddleford all worked on it together!). Stan's able to do it, even if it's been shown he's not 'naturally' gifted in that area. And it's something he does as a result of his deep care for Ford; because even after their fights, he cares about Ford and wants to right his wrongs, believes he should, because of his whole life of being defined as a failure and even worse than that, screwing up his ‘exceptional’ brother’s life. And he’ll do it even if that means learning how to build an interdimensional portal, even if it takes up thirty years of his life doing so, and he doesn't waver. Much of this is connected to his own complexes around being deemed a failure compared to Ford, having failed to succeed in his life, and how he feels that he needs to atone for screwing up Ford’s life, now for the second time; but beneath it all, he also cares. Much like Ford, he's extremely lonely, but he's not blinded by Ford's arrogance, and as a result he wants to make sure Ford's safe, because that's what he used to do, they’re twins, they grew up together, they once they had fully accepted and cared for each other, and dammit that still means something, and Stan hasn't found that depth of emotional connection since. So if possible, he wants to rekindle that closeness they had, but first, he needs to bring Ford back. 

And in the end, it's not Ford's own special gun he built using his intelligence that 'kills' Bill. It's Stan, someone who Ford had long ago broke it off with in search of validation of his exceptionalism, someone who both Ford and Bill labelled as 'not-exceptional', who defeats Bill. It's exceptionalism's devaluation of people who are 'not-exceptional' that causes Bill to underestimate the Pines beyond Ford, and it's only when Ford put aside his exceptionalism and his refusal to accept and trust 'non-exceptional' people, that is, trust Stan once more, that causes Bill to end up defeated by Stan.

In the end, it's not about who's 'smarter'; it's a reminder that everyone has different skills and are better at different things, but that doesn't diminish one's worth or value, and that just because someone isn't naturally 'gifted' in an area doesn't mean they can't learn or use different ways to get around obstacles. Ultimately, it comes down to that no one is worth more or less than other people; exceptionalism is a lie. It’s a lie and an excuse, and it's certainly not a healthy way to assuage one's poor self-worth. What does matter is creating positive healthy connections with other people, and caring about them. This creates a community where you can be yourself and be emotionally fulfilled through these connections; and when opposition does arise, you become able to fight it together, and fight so much stronger than if you are alone.

And by the end of the show, you see that. Ford begins to let go of the ideal of exceptionalism and its black-and-white categorization; finally recognizes his own faults around prioritizing validation of his intelligence and exceptionalism over his relationships, and finally, after all the years, chooses to create and rekindle positive relationships with people, trust people, and make amends. And in the end, he goes sailing with Stan, prioritizing their relationship, finally fulfilling their childhood promise.

Image id: One of the pages written by Ford into TBOB. Ford refutes Bill's idea of happiness, and says he has finally found his own happiness, and it looks like the photo taped in, of Stan, Ford, Dipper, Mabel, Soos and Wendy, all smiling together.

TLDR: Exceptionalism, an ideology of categorizing people into being special and worth more vs plebian and worth less, is a trauma response and subconscious ideology that characterizes Ford and Bill’s lives, deeply impacting all their relationships as it is used to coerce people into doing what they want, makes Ford easily manipulated, and breaks relationships through their arrogance. It is ultimately denounced through the way Dipper chooses to reject Ford’s offer and his rhetoric of being exceptional, and through the way it's not Ford’s intelligence, but rather Stan, who has been labeled as 'not-exceptional' and a failure at life, that defeats Bill through trickery. It's a reminder that everyone has worth, and no one is worth more than other people, even if one may be gifted in certain areas; the ideology of exceptionalism is fragile and a lie. In the end, creating a caring, loving community around oneself is where strength truly lies, as is seen with the deep care and love the characters have for each other, and the repairing of Ford and Stans relationship.

Thanks to the lovely @eshtaresht who deigned to beta read this monster of a post for me

If you enjoyed this meta, (first of all if you read all this you're a champ!) I've also done another gf meta post! (It's shorter I swear)

[torchwood-99]

Definitely agree on the differences with movie!Theoden and book!Theoden. Movie!Theoden leaves no doubt, he was top tier dad.

Book!Theoden is so tricky because on the one hand the narrative treats him like a superb father, but then there are these moments where it's like "is he though?". His lack of (verbalised) response to Theodred's death, his infamous "last of that house comment".

The first perhaps can be explained as Theodred's death being too painful for him to even dwell on, but if that was so, Tolkien should have eluded to that. Just a line to hint at Theoden's pain. So it's either a weakness in Tolkien as a writer, or Theoden as a father.

Eowyn's relationship with Theoden I have dwelled on so many times, because so many differing versions can be equally credible. Eowyn adored Theoden, but I can't help but think of another royal lady who adored her dad, despite him not being all that great.

Elizabeth the First idolised Henry VIII, but he wasn't exactly dad of the year. But he was charismatic, her father, and her king. Not only did those traits alone inspire devotion, she used her connection to him as a way to inspire loyalty and admiration for herself. For Eowyn, orphaned, in a dangerous world, but very proud and very bold, she could easily have formed an attachment for Theoden on the same grounds.

This would have explained why his dotage was so detrimental to her and gave Grima means to create a sense of loathing for herself and her house, because she wasn't prepared for a Theoden who was anything but a glorious, mighty king.

For these reasons, Eowyn's attachment to Theoden, and his reputation as a great father, could easily have been formed not because of what Theoden did, but simple because of who he was.

There are a few of moments where I do see hints of Theoden being the father to Eowyn he is credited as. When he greets her at Dunharrow, when he tries to comfort her about Aragorn, their parting before riding for Pelennor, and when he speaks about her on his death. These moments show there isn't a complete.

Two Tower Theoden is a write off as far as being a dad is concerned, but he improves in Return of the King. Perhaps that's him coming out of his dotage and regaining his pride, perhaps that's Merry's influence, who looked on Theoden as a father and would have seen his fatherly traits, perhaps it's Tolkien growing into the character, or perhaps it Theoden becoming more sentimental before his death.

I do appreciate that on seeing Eowyn at Dunharrow, one of the first things he does is inquire after her. And later, when he says she seems to need comfort and tries to give it to her. Now Merry, a total stranger to Eowyn, can see she's miserable, so you'd hope Theoden would at least notice it as well. But for all the books are long, Tolkien's got a lot of characters and a lot of plot to get through, so the fact he gave any page time at all to Theoden trying to comfort Eowyn hopefully can be interpreted as being a signifier of their relationship.

Then there's the painful parting between them (even if it wasn't really a parting). It's barely focussed on, just a single line, but the fact that line's included, when Tolkien didn't intend to give it much focus, suggests he felt it important for us to know that they suffered being parted from each other.

Probably the one line where I really, truly felt a great deal of love from Theoden is when he wants to bid her farewell, and he talks about how she didn't want him to leave her, and how he will never see her again. That longing, combined with the fact we hear Theoden actually acknowledge Eowyn's own wishes, wishes opposed to his own, does suggest at a genuine love, and some genuine awareness of Eowyn as a person, not just his adjunct.

The most sympathetic interpretation I have of Theoden's "last of that house" comment is that Theoden sees "House" as being the "Royal House", the one that has responsibilities to the country, the public, royal part of the family. What the British royals today call "The Firm". Because ruling is so tied to military might, he doesn't immediately consider Eowyn as part of "the House".

However, the domestic side of their family, the intimate, familial side, Eowyn is very much a part of, and perhaps an integral part, even the heart of it. That Theoden has to live so much of his life in public service, Eowyn's role in the domestic sphere might have been something he held very dear, and took great solace in.

This is problematic in itself, because it sticks Eowyn in a domestic role we know she really chafes at, denies her full use of her potential, and puts her in a vulnerable spot for Grima to prey on, but it allows for Eowyn to have some real importance and value to Theoden, which doesn't contradict the "last of that house line".

While this is harmful for Eowyn as a young woman, who wants to venture out and take her place in the world, but it does hopefully mean as a child she was a part of a family unit, and received a fair bit of care and affection.

Going through Theoden's scenes, the scenes where we see him interact with Eowyn, or the one scene he's in a "domestic" setting, that dinner at Dunharrow, he does seem gentle and concerned, and aware of Eowyn's pain. He's also a bit paternalistic.

'Hail, Lord of the Mark!' she cried. 'My heart is glad at your returning.' 'And you, Eowyn,' said Theoden, 'is all well with you?' 'All is well,' she answered; yet it seemed to Merry that her voice belied her, and he would have thought that she had been weeping..... 'So Aragorn has come then,' said Eomer. 'Is he still here?' 'No, he is gone,' said Eowyn turning away and looking at the mountains dark against the East and South. 'Whither did he go?' asked Eomer. 'I do not know,' she answered. 'He came at night, and rode away yestermorn, ere the Sun had climbed over the mountain-tops. He is gone.' 'You are grieved, daughter,' said Theoden. 'What has happened? Tell me, did he speak of that road?' He pointed away along the darkening lines of stones towards the Dwimorberg. 'Of the Paths of the Dead?' 'Yes, lord,' said Eowyn. 'And he has passed into the shadows from which none have returned. I could not dissuade him. He is gone.'

The way he points, and says "that road", it almost feels like when one is questioning a child, and they need to make it clear for the child what's being asked of them. Now this could also be a sign of Theoden needing absolute confirmation, but it also perhaps indicates Theoden seeing Eowyn in a somewhat juvenile light, a lens that women were often looked through in patriarchal society's.

However, at the same time, from the first he is asking after hers on personal terms, and seems concerned about her state of mind and wellbeing. Later on, during the dinner scene, we see him trying to offer Eowyn comfort.

'Maybe he was called,' said Theoden, 'and my heart tells me that I shall not see him again. Yet he is a kingly man of high destiny. And take comfort in this, daughter, since comfort you seem to need in your grief for this guest.

So throughout this chapter, Theoden is repeatedly showing concern and affection for Eowyn.

As a result, I'm leaning towards the "Theoden drew a distinction between being of "his house" and being of "his family" interpretation. Eowyn is very much part of his family, perhaps even the heart of it, being the one most involved in the domestic setting, but he needs reminding that she is also a part of his house, that she is skilled and brave and respected, and even after she is put into a position of authority in Dunharrow, he still sees her in a paternalistic light.

Bringing this back around to his role in their childhoods, this does suggest he was an affectionate and caring presence in her life. Perhaps that fact she belonged (in his view) in the domestic sphere would have even allowed him to be more "fatherly", or more indulgent in the time they spent together.

In the inner part of the pavilion was a small space, curtained off with broidered hangings, and strewn with skins: and there at a small table sat Theoden with Eomer and Eowyn, and Dunhere, lord of Harrowdale. Merry stood beside the king's stool and waited on him till presently the old man, coming out of deep thought, turned to him and smiled.

This scene is very domestic, and feels quite intimate. Curtained off, hangings and skin, a small table, just the family and their host, it feels warm and homely. That he stops Merry from serving him and invites him to sit, thus making the scene all the more informal. As a result, while Theoden's duties probably filled a lot of his time, I think he valued his family time, and his time in the domestic sphere. As a result, this hopefully translated to Eowyn having regular time with Theoden in her childhood.

If Eowyn, Theoden placed firmly in the domestic sphere, and saw her first and foremost as a child, his child, and therefore was on hand to offer her affection and comfort, perhaps it was the opposite with Theodred. Theodred was his son and his heir, Theoden had a duty to see him raised to become king. As a result, before he saw Theodred as his child, he saw him primarily as the future king. He couldn't be lax with him or indulgent with him as he might have been with his other children, he was raising the future Lord of the Mark.

Conceivably, this could have driven a wedge between them. Also, there is a large age gap between Theodred and his cousins, and during Theodred's childhood, Theoden would have been dealing with the loss of his wife. As a result, the father Theoden was to Theodred, wasn't necessarily the father he was to Eomer and Eowyn.

If Theoden placed too much emphasis on Theodred being a future ruler and not a child, and too much emphasis on Eowyn being his child and not a potential future leader, then perhaps between the three of them, Eomer lucked out and got the best of both worlds. Throughout the book we see Theoden address Eomer with respect as a Marshall, and affection as a son.

We know Tolkien used the tradition of "sister-sons" being a particularly important familial bond, and as Eomer is neither the future heir (nor Theoden's supplanter) nor a girl, he is raised with a view towards his future role, reared to fulfil his potential, with Theoden as an active example of what he should strive for, therefore involved in Eomer's life as a mentor and family member, unlike Eowyn, whose mentorship Theoden would largely leave to others, but also with a greater degree of affection of intimacy than was allowed to Theodred.

So yeah, to conclude, I think Theoden actively taught and mentored Theodred as a future ruler, but didn't give him much time just as a father he could be on easy terms with, was affectionate to Eowyn as a father, but neglected her training and mentorship to others, but struck a pretty decent middle ground with Eomer, so much as his duties as king allowed him.

How hands on a parent do you think Theoden was with the kids? I know Eomer and Eowyn talked of how he was a father to them, but how much "fathering" was a kingly father meant to do, especially for a girl? Probably he was more hands on with Theodred and Eomer, preparing them for their future roles, but was he closely involved in Eowyn's life, overseeing her education and care, or was he someone who came in and made a fuss of her now and then? How much did being King overrule being Dad?

I should probably take a beat and think on this one a bit more before I shoot my mouth off and say something that I will want to change later, but I’ve got a house full of chaotic houseguests and I’m hiding from them in my closet for a moment’s peace so let’s just throw caution to the wind and go for it!

My answer here depends strongly on whether we’re talking Movie Théoden or Book Théoden. I think Movie Théoden was an incredibly soft, squishy father who was active and involved in parenthood despite being king. He clearly realllly loved his kids, and they adored him back. That goes without saying for Théodred, as Movie Théoden’s heartbreaking depiction of a father’s grief (in firm contradiction to Book Théoden) says plenty about how close they were, but it’s true for Éomer and especially Éowyn as well. The movie made some very affecting choices in showing little interactions between Éowyn and Théoden that make it clear that there is a deep, substantial bond there. The whole “I know your face” recurring theme between them is so obviously weighted with adoration, affection, and loyalty (thank you, Bernard Hill and Miranda Otto!) that I can only see it as coming from years of intense emotional connection between them. 

Book Théoden, on the other hand, feels much less cut and dry to me. Setting aside my well documented beef with how Tolkien showed Théoden handling Théodred’s death, we don’t get a lot of information about what kind of parent he was. All three of his kids clearly loved him and had strong loyalty to him, but how much of that was from true emotional bonding and how much of that was because, for each of them, Théoden was both their only parental option (you love what you’re given, and all that) and a monarch to whom loyalty would be felt just by virtue of his position? Can I believe that Book Théoden was an active, involved parent to all his kids when he once needed Hama to remind him that Éowyn even existed (“I said not Éomer, and he is not the last [of the House of Eorl]”)? I struggle with that and think the answer is probably no.

Ultimately, in my own mind and for my own purposes, I like to think of him somewhere down the middle between those two extremes. He was king, and kings are both very busy and supposed to project an air of power and authority that doesn’t always mesh well with being a soft, squishy dad. I think he didn’t see a ton of any of the kids when they were small because he was so often dealing with his duties. He left decisions about their day-to-day care, upbringing, education, etc. to trusted staff/advisors or other family members (Théodwyn for Théodred before she married, or Théodred himself for Éomer and Éowyn once they came to Edoras). As Théodred and Éomer aged, he’d have spent more time with each of them because they’d have been stepping into their roles as important commanders and advisors, but that wouldn’t have necessarily been affectionate, bonding time. It was work. And Éowyn clearly didn’t get that time, since she didn’t have a similar role that would have her working alongside him (at least, not until she became his effective full-time nurse, but that wasn’t the REAL Théoden anyway). 

That being said, Théoden did like to spend his rare and limited downtime with his kids and didn’t favor the boys over Éowyn in his affection and interest even though he favored them in the bestowing of duties and titles. He was as supportive and loving to all of them as you’d expect for someone who engendered the deep devotion and respect that is evident in their feelings for him. He was as interested and engaged as he could be, given the demands on his time and the perhaps antiquated ideas he’d inherited from Thengel about how a father/king was supposed to act. (Thengel himself had a very shitty example of a father in Fengel, so it took a few generations for this family to get itself back on a more emotionally healthy track!) He was imperfect, but his kids adored him as though he was because they could see that he was trying and a kid wants to love their parent!

(Have I perhaps transferred some feelings about my own dad onto this situation? Maybe! He worked a LOT, so I can’t truthfully say that he was always deeply engaged in my daily upbringing. And he’s very reserved, so he’s not inclined to speak directly about his feelings. But when he was home, he was very intentional about spending time with me, showing an interest in what I was doing and thinking about, and trying to let his actions communicate his feelings. I consider us to have a very good relationship, I love him to bits and I would fight the Witch King for him. And all of that works for my idea of Théoden!)

Very curious to hear your take as well! No one else I know has thought as deeply about Éowyn as you have, so I have to imagine you’ve got really interesting opinions here! ❤️

[keen2meecha]

🎁 ❣️🍳 for the characters of your choice?

Characters of my choice, you say? How about all four of the lits central cast?! (Thanks for playing, sorry this is slightly late!!!!)

🎁 - How do they feel about their birthday/birthdays in general?

Ooh, this is an awesome question. I imagine Avi is pretty normal about her birthday. She used to wish she would meet her biological father, and would make her mom tell her at least one story; now that she knows who he is and talks to him almost-regularly, she's a little lost.

Killian's birthdays have always been very family-centered, lots of barbecues and stuff. He gets especially homesick around that time, and makes every effort possible to make it back to New Mexico at some point in that week.

Hana's family loved celebrating their kids, and now that Hana has a lot of money, she makes a big show of going all out with presents and dinner and such.

Kikimora predictably has developed a complex around her birthday. When she was little and her mom was pregnant, she overheard a conversation that involved her mom fretting to her dad about how they're going to afford the care for a new child. As a result, Kiki's done everything to make herself as accommodating and undemanding as possible. Nowadays, she rarely if ever tells people her birthday -- even Avi doesn't know. Her dad always made (and continues to make!) an effort to take her out for brunch, but especially since the reveal of Avi and the divorce, Kiki rarely if ever sees her mom and sibling, so. Not a lot going on there. It's....... let's go with complicated.

❣️ - What are their love languages?

Kikimora's love languages are acts of service and quality time; Hana's are acts of service and physical touch. So much physical touch.

Avi's are quality time and gifts (especially because she's not so good at words); Killian's are physical touch and quality time. Also, near-constant roasting.

As a bonus, the third founder of KOK and Kiki and Avi's friend Jason's love languages are words of affirmation and gifts. He's pretty straightforward, generally speaking, which is refreshing if you spend too much time with the other two.

🍳 - How well can they cook?

Of the four, Killian's the best cook! His grandma wasn't happy about him moving so far away in the first place, she sure as hell wasn't going to let him do it without being able to take care of himself!

Avi used to be second best -- cooking was a full-family thing when she was growing up. But ever since her injury, she usually doesn't like to stand for that long. She'd much prefer to use her energy and better days for other, more enjoyable and productive things. But she still makes bomb breakfast foods! Eventually, she will brag any chance she gets about how she domesticated the local mob family with the power of friendship and pancakes. She's not entirely wrong

Kikimora is an okay cook, but just enough to be sufficient. To her, it's just another chore. Hana likes to cook for other people, but she's no chef. It's good enough for her siblings and parents, but she's rich enough that she'll usually order food any day of the week.

[chronicowboy]

we as a collective do Not talk about this line delivery nearly enough and for good fucking reason, i'll kill bradley james for this one line alone. he's just a little boy :'((

[smovs]

barret breakthrough: the trick is to paint his scalp under the buzz cut as if it were bare skin, then paint his stubble over top. the highlights & roundness of his head's gotta show through the buzzed hair 🌠

[turtleblogatlast]

Big Mama must have lost some serious standing in the yokai underworld because it’s gotten apparent that she keeps being beaten by a small group of teenagers and the occasional rat man, and when it’s not them then she’s taking L’s from her own schemes working against her.

And in the ensuing power vacuum, the Hamatos accidentally become the most feared crime family known to all the big bads of the Hidden City.

After all, they’ve publicly outplayed Big Mama multiple times, a couple of them have taken out the heads of two of the most well known criminal organizations, one took out Heinous Green, two are responsible for the destruction of Witch Town, they have ties to both the infamous Baron Draxum and Captain Piel, they won the Doom Dome death race, they’re Battle Nexus Champions, they’ve displayed insane feats of power and defeated impossibly strong enemies, most of them have been to jail, and they regularly mingle with humans.

You can just imagine the notoriety they’d accumulate from word of mouth alone.

[storytellering]

(cont'd) - But I did save some fanfics to read for later - which I also perused just kinda off handledly... until one day that may, something just... clicked, while rereading one of them. I couldn't tell you which one it was, now - I just know I texted my best friend to tell her, "oh shit. I think I have these demon men in my brain now and they won't leave" and that was really the beginning of the end for me, LMAO. That was the point of no return - and after that I truly binged everything ao3 had to offer, and only THEN did I remember my previous fanfic binge and realized I'd actually read pretty much every one of the newly written fanfics back when 5 was brand spanking new LMAO. As for what makes me love the franchise... god, that's also a very good question and one I fear i'm gonna go on another super lengthy tirade about haha. There's just... something about it, that I don't think I've been able to find anywhere else. I love the narrative voice, how fun the characters are - the games themselves are able to tell a good, emotionally driven story while still keeping you engaged every single moment you're there - perhaps it's just the perfect game for adhd, lol. But it manages to do that without ever being overwhelming, or going so fast you can't absorb what's happening or it dampening the emotional beats - in general, it's got excellent pacing above all else, knowing just when to keep going and keep up the rhythm, and when to slow down and take a breath. There's also the honestly fantastic worldbuilding - I love that even though this is a very linear, very straight to the point franchise, it still crafts an incredibly tangible, believable world around it. It doesn't shove heaps of papers and walls of texts and info at you to tell you what's happening in the world around you or how things work - it shows you directly, through gameplay, through implications, through the characters' body language, through environmental storytelling, through the characters' own observations. I cannot count how many times I'd been playing a dmc game, and feeling like I was theorizing something but maybe I was kinda just projecting my own hc onto it, maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see - only to have exactly what I'd thought be directly verbally confirmed in the novels, or through other materials in the franchise later on. I love how real demons feel - they're not just these nebulous evil things, they're animals, with their own ecosystems, biology, societal rules - and once again, none of it is just shoved at you, you just kinda... learn that as you go further. It's so seamless it just lets you accept the world the story takes place in as real without ever having to stop and question it, or have to fill in your own gaps, and even when you do, it feels like you're working in tandem with what's there in the text to do that - it's giving you just enough to add to it, without overwhelming you with information or feeling like you have to make up everything yourself to make it make some sense.

SORRY FOR THE ABSOLUTE WALL OF TEXT ANON, honestly I could keep going SO much longer but I'm running out of characters so dgihd. Thanks again for the question and sorry for the verbal diarrhea hope it's what you were hoping for

When and how did you discover DMC? And what makes you love the franchise?

Ohh, great question anon! Personally I was always kinda peripherally aware of DMC as a franchise - when I was early in middle school (around 10/11) I started really getting into anime and manga, and that was before I really spoke fluent english that much, so I was primarily looking for stuff that was either dubbed or subtitled in my native language - there was one TV channel that broadcasted dubbed anime, and it was really not that many back in the day... but somehow, the dmc TV anime was one of those! I really loved it, and I must've rewatched it a billion times - it was one of the late night programs so I remember sneaking out past my bedtime to plug my headphones into the TV and watch it, haha. But still, I didn't own any game consoles, and I didn't know how to use the internet too well yet, so all I could do was think "oh, dmc sounds so cool, sure wish I could actually play the games and get more context some time.", and it kinda stayed that way for the rest of my life! In 2019, even though it was completely out of my immediate sphere, I heard word of dmc5 out on the internet, and though I'd forgotten most of what I'd gathered back in middle school with the anime, I did remember it being something I'd been peripherally interested in for a long time, and then - I admit it, I was startstruck by how hot the main 3 characters looked on the cover art, LMAO. I still couldn't play most games (all I had was the aforementioned nds, a wii u, and and older mac laptop), BUT exactly for that reason I'd learned to just watch playthroughs of the games I was interested in - and i was immediately interested in dmc5, like I said at a glance just bc every character was very attractive to me, but you know how it is, my dick has lead me to places I wouldn't even go with a gun, etc etc. I just had this almost fugue state moment of reading everything I could on the wiki about the plot, the lore and the characters, saving a cutscene movie video of the game to watch later, and being SO into how pretty much every ship would be incestuous and very drawn to what that would entail for the characters, going on a fic reading binge..... and then literally forgetting ALL about it within the week. Like, literally, if you'd asked me if any of that had happened before I actually properly got into dmc, I'm not sure I would've been able to remember that happening at all. AND THEN, finally, this backstory comes to a head in december 2020/january 2021 - that was the year where I got my first job, (i know, what a year to do that, LMAO. it was a waiter job too) so for the first time in my life I had a little bit of extra money to spend, and so I decided to get myself a ps4 as a christmas gift so I could finally catch up with all the franchises I'd been wanting so bad to get into but had missed out on, or those I'd had to get into via watching someone else play, and could finally experience firsthand. DMC5 was one of the very first games I got myself - and I still have texts with my best friend from that time to remind me exactly when the very first time I booted the game was (january 15th, 2021). I'd like to say it was love at first sight, but it actually... kinda wasn't. I had forgotten most of my past interest, and at the time, I just kinda experienced it as a game that was really fun, really cool, and kinda put to the back of my mind (though I will say - my immediate reaction WAS that I'd genuinely, honestly never had that much fun playing a game before. Like - maybe it's because I hadn't really played any console game up to that point, but... video games had always been something that, while i was really interested in, I just kinda suffered through to experience a story, or something I powered through because I wanted to see it through to the end, actively enjoying the process on the way there was rare, for me - and dmc was genuinely just fun. Even without the plot to drive it forwards, I liked playing it just to play it, and that was like an INSANE concept to me back then lol).

(I'll have to continue this in a RB bc it turned out I have way too much to say and going way over the character limit WHOOPS stay tuned lol)

[imthursdaysyme]

Final installment of the wrestlers 3/3: Steve runs his 5’8 mouth

[nymdraws]

while we are still alive

[lutheban]

Hey remember right before the pandemic when a season of a show was about 15-20 episodes? Remember when having 8 episodes what called "a mini-series"? Remember when we could get a season a year and not wait 2 years to get a continuation of a story? remember when shows had time to grow and form an audience? remember that? yeah? cuz i do