#oh and taking my antidepressants again lmao

[avpdrew]

Trying to do some self-lead therapy on self image. Wish me luck lmfao

[crow-raven-crow]

Hey there crowvyn 👋

I'm just wondering if you saw my request (Dom Donna x sub reader ). This is no rush. I understand everything completely.Its just you know,it's been very long,so I just want to know.

-wish you a lovely day 🌹

𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨, 𝐝𝐨𝐯𝐞 - tldr and message for you at the bottom of this post xx

im going to use this as my next little update post since i finished all of the requests in my last update ehhe

I currently have three requests in the works right now - one of which is yours ! I actually made the decision last night that I would be pushing yours up to be the next fic out

i'm doing this because i need to rekindle my passion for the lovely Larissa Weems. I still think about her, but after writing SO many fics about her over and over, it made me feel a bit mechanic and i hate feeling like that - i'm going to pick her requests back up after this Donna fic, so don't worry weems anons

these are the ones in my notes, but i'm focusing on the top three (which are on my masterlist)

★ In terms of requests, I have (in order from top to bottom):

𝐁𝐞 𝐀 𝐃𝐨𝐥𝐥.. - Donna Beneviento x Reader, dom!Donna, heavy teasing from reader, prob punishment sex, plot is established

𝐎𝐟 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞, 𝐒𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 - Larissa Weems x Reader, virgin reader, first times, soft, plot is established

𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐒𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡 - Larissa Weems x Reader, hand kink!! <3, reader loves Larissa's perfume, plot is established

𝐀𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬, 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐘𝐨𝐮.. - Brienne of Tarth x Reader !!!, fluff ehehe, small angst because im crazy, soft smut, Brienne comes back after being away for a while - this one.. ok im not far in Game of Thrones so accuracy is kinda meth but like im excited hehe - plot is established

𝐔𝐧𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞 - Larissa Weems x Reader, Larissa finding out reader has nipple piercings, reader has an innocence about them so it comes as a surprise, plot undecided

𝐔𝐧𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞 - Larissa Weems x Reader, soft, cute, fluff yayay, reader stops taking antidepressants for a bit but goes back on them, really bad serotonin syndrome, concerned Larissa - i did some research on this already, but if anyone has any tips/points they can send me about this so i can know more about it then it would be very much appreciated, especially if it's from the anon that requested it ! - plot undecided

What's above is in the request. I work in sections, and the titles of what I'm working on will be added to my masterlist and placed with/under their character section as I get to them. Again, titles are subject to change, but it's unlikely for this section.

★ In terms of series (in the works, not coming out for A WHILE):

i figured I'd update about these since they were in my last update. UHHHH;;; no clue when they're coming out LMAO. I'm working on them every now and then, but they'll likely be worked on when i have a longer break from school (which kills me high key). Oh.. there's also a new series idea I have written down.. it's actually really goof but I want to watch the show before I really establish anything

This is just what I can do with my time and focus (which is important)

★𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐬:

That idea that I mentioned being Brienne, Larissa, or Lucifer in my last update ACTUALLY ended up being the Alcina Dimitrescu one I posted yesterday LMAOO. I loved that idea smmmmm like gods it was so fun to write. Still around the 6-ish personal ideas. But (again) I do prioritize my requests.

★ 𝐎𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬:

i work in sections, my masterlist will be updated with the current title under/with the character that I'm working on

look at my requirements before submitting requests. i've since updated a few things and will continue to do so

my posting schedule is non-existent due to school and work

please remember that I'm in college taking a 5 class course load AND i work, so things can get backed up and i heavily apologize about that. However, this is a hobby for me and I do it on my free time. Sometimes I'll post a lot and other times I'll be taken off the face of the earth.

I'm entering final exam season.. This means I'm not sure if requests will pick up for me or slow down;; it really depends on the schedule and how I feel about the class in question. I'll post another update when the time comes

There are other requests in my inbox that were not listed above.. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do them, it just means they're not in the current section of focus. I'm getting there, I swear

if you wish to interact with me more, i’m very active on twitter

TLDR: Those are the requests I'm working on currently - first three are my main focus. Series are completely on pause until I can find the time/focus to really work on them. Check my masterlist every so often - it's updated with that I'm currently working on, the character it contains, and what kind of fic it is. I'm slow, but I'm getting there.. I promise

🤍For the lovely anon:

I'm sorry it's taken me so long;; School, work, and travel definately caught up to me, but I'm glad you understand. It will be out soon, and I'm actually really excited to write this one! I missed the RE8 brainrot. I hope it was okay that I updated so heavily haha

Any questions like these/any posts containing updated will all be under the same tag (second tag down below)

x,

~ 𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐰

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[doing-downtime-hero-shit]

u know ur having a good time when your family doctor instantly doubles your antidepressant dose

[notallwonder]

Watching the new episodes of Criminal Minds: Evolution again.

Under a Read More for those avoiding spoilers.

+ Point of clarification: did they retcon that JJ & Will never moved to New Orleans, or are we to believe they moved away then back at some point? -> answered in Ep 2 Will says "since we got back".

+ Garcia's "I used to be good at that" re: putting on English mannerisms made me smile bc callback to when Emily was at Interpol

+ Luke is a sweet sweet guy. I like him a lot, though to be honest I don't pay that much attention to him (because my attention is elsewhere *cough* Prentiss).

+ something really rubs me the wrong way about those "hers" antidepressant ads. They seem kind of creepy / dystopian?

+ I hope we get to know some of Penelope's new friends a bit.

+ it still really cracks me up that Garcia uses such tricked out GUIs on her computer. That shit takes up RAM and makes everything hard to see. Because computer nerd on (network) TV. But also, good for her.

+ the whole SOAR concept is too funny. No one born before the millennium has access besides PG? Does she code and maintain the whole thing all by herself (obvs not)? Are the engineers also only 22 and younger? (this would become a legal issue of ageism in hiring!) Also "unhackable"...so there's some kind of elaborate and potentially invasive verification system to prevent catfish accounts? Really. And once you age out of SOAR are you just thrown to the 30-50 feral hogs with the rest of us?

+ EMILY PRENTISS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS SHOWSTOPPING I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

+ second time around I continue to appreciate AJ Cook's well muscled shoulders.

+ I'm very happy they got Zach Gilford for this role. Who knows if the writing will ultimately be good (lmao), but he has the range.

+ Director Noodle at it again, throwing a tantrum because Emily Prentiss did not bow to his will. Section Chief Foxiest Silver Fox does not simply roll over and obey (in her professional life at least).

+ lmao the not-an-Oscar-Wilde-quote quote attribution is so unnecessarily dumb

+ Emily & Tara are a great duo. Friends, crime-fighters, (etc!), they just stand up well to one another. The vibes are fabulous. It's the dynamic closest to what Emily had with Derek, that comfortable teasing and trust.

+ also noting that Tara asks Emily if she knows Rebecca Wilson, and apparently she does - enough to know she's at the DOJ. Perhaps they've worked on case(s) together before. Orrrrr maybe they met at some LGBTQ Feds networking event. 😏 Emily does give her a very warm smile when Rebecca shows her face at the BAU.

+ The way Zach Gilford asked unsub #2 "are you disobeying me?"............I don't know, it made my ears perk.

+ in the Garcia / Rossi scene, there is much to enjoy. The insight into Garcia's mindset. Rossi's resigned "I did. I kept falling asleep." I can't help but laugh at PG fully saying "Licensed Clinical Social Worker." I appreciate the specificity, but it's a whole mouthful!

+ fucked up that Garcia's login credentials still work. Any self respecting agency would make you change your password every 3-6 months at least, not to mention she's No Longer Employed There. But who needs real administrative mess when you can have loony toons (plot-based) administrative mess?!

+ Tara wearing a lot of plaid and window pane patterns. Aside from the obvious, it's just a nice costuming choice that remains kind of conservative but sets her apart from the others.

+ Most of the wardrobe is in blues and browns and grays. I wonder if this will change as time goes on (i.e. will Garcia bring the color back) or if that's going to remain through the whole season.

+ Okay, but did y'all also catch the weird look that Rebecca & Luke exchanged in this briefing room scene? It seemed like more than "close the door". Is there some kind of history there?

+ Oh this show is so silly!!!!! So silly, and it still makes me happy. Incredible.

[fbfh]

dating percy headcanons 2: electric boogaloo

~900 words

ask and you shall recieve uwu

Honestly what hits hardest about this boy is the idea of having all of his attention on you

Like he just looks at you and you can feel his passion so hard you take psychic damage

You are genuinely the entire focus of his world

You are his long term hyperfixation

It's almost,,, too powerful

But not quite lmao

He's just so…

……. 

Nice…..

To be around

And you get to be around him whenever you want

He has such a calming aura

It's like

Oh fuck that's what it is

Sidebar real quick

Air has positive ions and rain and other big bodies of water like the ocean or waterfalls have negative ions which help you feel calm and can actually give off a similar effect as antidepressants which is why a lot of  people like storms sm

Since he's yk

The son of the sea god 

He 10000000% has an aura of negative ions and it's almost impossible to feel stressed around him

Or if you do (yr feelings are valid) he helps you feel a lot better

His kisses are so nice

[Screen shot of let's discuss his kisses from part one radial blurred]

He has about a million and one ways to kiss you 

But here's some highlights

He loves wrapping his big ole arms around you 

Has a Nice 👌 dorito shape and these buff arms

Like all of them are buff from years of sword fighting and struggling to stay alive yk

But his specific arms hugging you

One around your waist, one hand on the back of your neck 

He makes you feel so at ease with him

His lips are always soft

Probably tastes like salt water taffy or coke

He loves surprising you with cheek neck kisses

If you're doing anything he'll just run up behind you 

Press a big big smooch just below your jawline 

And run off

You start trying to surprise him but unless you're pretty tall you can't reach lmao

Me

He sometimes just like

Holds you real close

A finger running over your cheek

The other hand probs resting under the hem of your shirt

He's staring, head kinda tilted and you know he's in full Admire mode

He kisses you really gently, only pulling away cause he smiles half way through 

Totally rests his forehead on yours after a kiss 

Speaking of, if you give him forehead or nose kisses

He actually short circuits from love and cuteness

He has a salty aura

Literally and figuratively 

Like if you stand a foot away from him and stick out your tongue you'll taste salt 

You make him smile way more than you'd expect 

He gives you a lot of those classic Fond Looks where he just has a little smirk and is smiling with his eyes and you can feel that you have all his focus and attention 

He doesn't get like super serious or anything but you find yourself having to break the tension more than you'd expected

He has really strong feelings which under the right circumstances,,

Usually during quiet moments,,,

He can get a bit I'd die for you

"I'm going to make sure you're always okay, Skittles, even if I die trying-"

"Ah, yes. I hear death by chocolate is the best way to go."

"???"

"Well, the only way I can think you would possibly die to ensure my happiness is by convincing Zeus to rain chocolate down on me, in which case you'd be right with me because there's no way I'm letting you miss a chocolate tsunami."

He starts to laugh then gets serious again 

"I mean, if it came down to it,"

"Worst case scenario?"

"Yeah-"

"Well worst case scenario, we'd both just eat our way out. We can handle a chocolate tsunami together, hands down."

You have him actually laughing now

You gotta keep him on his toes a little 

It can be really hard sometimes but you love surprising him 

It's hard bc he knows you so well that he can always tell when you're planning something 

What makes it worse is that he never lets on that he knows 

you love making him pre swim meet gift bags 

I'm talking snacks, fuzzy socks, those blue Gatorade chewies, a (matching) friendship bracelet, gum, notes in Greek, little doodles, Polaroids, a piece of paper with a lipstick/lip balm kiss

The whole nine goddamn yards

Always coming up with new ways to surprise him

Once you have him a jar of Hersheys kisses that said "kisses for when I'm not around"

He showed people photos of it cause he thought it was too adorable 

Every single person on the swim team is jelly of you two 

Percy brags about you all the time 

Talks about you so much you're surprised how much his teammates know about you

Before a big meet you got the whole team push pops in their favorite flavors  that said "push yourself! Good luck!" 

They all love you even more

You've learned from experience to bring an extra shirt to swim meets

Bc the first thing that this boy does as soon as he's out of the pool and able to is hug you so so tight

Neither of you care about how wet he is or how damp you get 

A collage of your top 5 cutest post swim hugs makes the yearbook and the school newspaper

Like I'm not saying he's the best boyfriend but yes I am

That's exactly what I'm saying 

[incorrectlit]

in what ways did crime & punishment change your life?

The first time I read C&P, I was a senior in high school, and I was in a really bad place mentally. There was a lot of shit going down in my home life, college applications were killing me, and I was *this* close to throwing in the towel and giving up on life. When I read C&P, I had three thoughts: 1) this is one of the best books I’ve ever read; 2) lmao Raskolnikov is so relatable; and 3) oh shit I should not be relating this much to Raskolnikov. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I could easily see myself in his position in the near future (minus the whole ax murdering thing), with no job, no money, no future, one (1) friend, and facing eviction from a shitty apartment, all while harboring unachievable ambitions of greatness. So that really lit a fire under my ass. I actually started to give a shit about my mental health; I found a therapist, and I started taking antidepressants (even though it took a while to find the right ones for me), and slowly, I started to care about my life again. Now, I’m a junior in college, majoring in Russian literature, and I’m planning on going to medical school (just one more pre-med requirement, and then I’m done!). I still feel Raskolnikov deep within me, and he definitely still comes out on bad days, but those are becoming few and far-between. For the first time in years, I have genuine hope for my future, and I definitely think that C&P was a huge catalyst in that.

Tl;dr: I was depressed as shit, and the realization that I should not be relating so much to an ax murderer inspired me to get help and probably saved my life.

[13taylorswifts]

Me: why is interacting with the public way easier for me lately, the fuck

Me: *remembers i started taking my antidepressants again*

Me: oh lmao 😂

[pureheroin]

idk 12/24

today was my dogs birthday, and i tried to do my best to give him a great first birthday because my parents did such a horrible job doing so for almost any of my birthdays, but then i remembered he is just a dog and this is probably just like any other day for him. i have been feeling so incredibly horrible about my body, even more so though normal recently. i feel like i cannot take a single full breath in because i have been binge eating so excessively recently that my stomach gets in the way just when i am trying to inhale. continues to deep sigh. i ate two family size bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars within the past 36 hours. i literally dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. i need this to pass, but then i think about how i go through such intense phases of eating healthy or somewhat healthy before falling back into a binging phase where all of my ‘progress’ goes down the drain. sigh. i feel like i have tried to explain this to my boyfriend, who i love so dearly, but it just feels so wrong to try and explain stuff like this to my partner (even though i want him to know me, this just feels extremely private and a bit like i am also facing some kind of imposter syndrome, are any of my problems real (rhetorical question), am i actually facing these issues lmao). idk i wish my hobbies were something i could do something with but then once i try and do something i enjoy it feels like i am succumbing to the terrorizing capitalistic society we live in america today that wants me oh so badly to be a fucking part of (fuck u capitalism) and that is a whole other (and primary reason for me being so fucking overwhelmed constantly). anyways i refuse to take antidepressants because one of my biggest fears is gaining weight which is really fucking sad that i cant love my body enough (again, no response needed to this part, im not a fucking dumbass) and that i am have become such an easy pawn in this game of society the government and corporations have created for me. theres this horrifying path of hating my body that has been painted for me and it is the biggest reason i am constantly battling these same goddamn thoughts every fucking day of my life. anyways, happy bday roman, hopefully ill finish this dress i need to sew before i get bombarded with dumb shit i have to do and people i need to ‘see’. (i wish i could be left the fuck alone for like 3 months before anyone try and talk to me again). also one last thing, if u see me or a random person in public literally leave me the FUCK alone like holy fucking shit i dont want to talk to you just because i am at a dog park with my dog like dont fucking give me ur life fucking story at least if u are a fucking r*p*bl*c*n like i do not want to fucking hear it and u can get the fuck away from me. anyways again idk what this was but tbh it kinda felt ggod to type out xoxo love u sza ty for the new song bye

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Oh tysm wes. I hope you don't mind me asking here, (unless you prefer like me asking on a different blog), what were the changes you saw on T? And have you ever had thoughts of doubt or whatever? I think it's more a personal thing that I need to work on confidence and stuff but my biggest worry is that I'd doubt whatever decision I make-- whether I take it or not (and whether i stay on it or not) and sorta feel.... fake ig?

ur welcome! 

I definitely have had doubts, especially before I started. I have less now that I’m on it because it really made me feel a lot happier and better about myself, which helps a lot to calm those thoughts. it is hard though when so many people on the internet like TERFs and transmeds and stuff are so concerned with Fake Trans People(TM) ruining feminism or whatever like it’s total bullshit but it is infectious. i can never engage with those types of people or look at that content for too long because it makes me feel so awful. 

but anyways. changes that I saw on T:

hairiness - so i say this as someone with dark dark brown hair and who was extremely hairy even prior to going on T, i did get even hairier pretty quickly. including facial hair. i was not someone who ever wanted facial hair but once it started happening i didn’t mind it too much. i already had a little facial hair from before. so this can definitely vary especially if you have a lighter color hair like red or blonde. 

my period stopped

my voice did get lower, like a fair amount. i don’t do any voice training stuff though personally. i feel like i have a good Lispy Gay(TM) register that i am happy with lmao. for the most part now when i get misgendered it’s like 90% over the phone/due to my voice tbh

as i’ve been saying, it made me feel better emotionally. i have multiple mental health diagnoses and am also on antidepressants for a while prior to this. but this really helped in stabilizing my mood too. i don’t feel like it made me angry or aggressive or anything like some trans guys worry about.

i gained weight, it definitely makes me hungrier/messed with my metabolism. but i feel like after a while i got into a rhythm and my weight stabilized. 

my shoulders got broader and my jaw got a little more square? i have a very round moon face and i feel like it’s not a huge change, but just a bit to make my face a little more masculine. 

my body temp raised a LOT. like i used to be always cold and now i am basically a walking heater. this was probably the most inconvenient for me because i am very heat sensitive and i sweat a lot. but now i can also withstand cold temps a lot better. 

my hairline has changed - ive been stressing recently abt the whole Am I Balding thing but i think its more that my hair is super grown out which changed my part from a side part to a middle part which i absolutely hate. and i think one of the things that trans guys worry abt the most is going on T and balding. this is one of those genetic lottery things like if you know it’s very prevalent in your family then there’s a chance but if not then....who knows? 

it does give me a bit of acne as well - kind of like the first time i went through puberty.

erm i think these are all the main things that are not genital/sex related - i will know describe those under this Read More in case people would rather not know lol 

Wes

i did get clitoral growth - i would say in an average way? nothing wild but there is much more obvious flaccid/hard stages. i never really had bottom dysphoria so i didn’t really have any expectations or cares about it. 

my libido did raise, esp at the beginning. prior to t for me it was a lot more sporadic. but more importantly my orgasms got a lot more intense which was a definite plus lmao!

i sometimes go through “dry spells” where i don’t produce as much discharge, esp after Sexual Stuff(TM). this can get really annoying bc friction so occasionally i use a “vaginal moisturizer” mainly marketed for menopausal women but going on T is literally just forcing ur body through early menopause. here’s an example of that kind of product, & there’s also an external version that helps if you do experience that friction on your outer parts too. 

this is all I can really think of! i hope you’ve found this helpful & sorry if some of this is TMI lol !

Wes (again!)

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[waiting-to-wear-cute-fits]

I hope at least 1 person enjoys this mess. This took me half my sleeping playlist and more thinking than should ever be allowed to make. Also, remember this was made at 3am. I have no clue wtf i wrote here, but i stand with it.

1. Spotify

2. Hella messy

3. Brown

4. I don't like my birthname cuz it's trauma related and doesn't fit whatever gender i have. I obv do like my chosen name

5. Single ;-; buuut after 4 minths, crushing on someone finally

6. Chaotic, lost, positive (but not really)

7. Aquagreen ish? Idfk at this point, some asy blue, others aqua, others green. But I'm hoping to dye it dark green soon

8. Lolz i can't drive

9. Thrifstoresssss

10. What in the actual world is going on, why does it look straight and gay at the same time and why does it somewhat work? Also, changes every day

11. Tumblr and pinterest lmao. Oh ye and tiktok but i never said that

12. Idk mate, i sleep on a matress on a floor placed underneath the loft bed i used to sleep in when i was 4. It's the matress that fits in that bed. You make it up.

13. Yup! 2, love em

14. Literally anywhere with my bestie and some friends. That would probably be in some cotaage in the forest

15. Low exposure and blur lmao

16. Catrice cuz it's cheap 😣 i do not support what they do tot animals. Aandd Yves Rocher.

17. Like 4, but only cuz i dance lmao

18. Winx club? Idfk probably soon to be heartstopper but I'm putting myself on reading the comics first.

19. 37-38 EU

20. 164cm / 5'4

21. Sneakers

22. Used to, before covid, but only the gyms with the creepy men are opened, the nice ones with the old granny's all closed

23. A FUCKING PICNIC, PLEASEEEE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR LIKE 3 YEARS. Just overal tbh, any date would be nice atm, i haven't had a single one in my life.

24. Literally 0 fucking nothing. Unless u count my bankcard. That probably has like 3 euros

25. Currently non, but i wore one white sock with chilli peppers and one green sock with watermelons today.

26. 2 and a huge bear to cuddle cuz I'm SINGLEEE AND TOUCHSTARVED.

27. Nope lol, i once got accepted at a job, didn't even get to go to work once and got fired 🥰😍 I'm currently hoping to find a job in some coffeeshop for the summer. Yk, meeting the gays and making money. Would be nice

28. Actually, quite many.

29. Bro i actually genuinely don't know. My mind erases literally everything

30. VANILLA and lavender

31and 32 Oofff idfk imma just pur some random names i like. Athena; Violet; Nuri; Moss (we're not going to talk abt the fact 1 of these is just my best friends name

33. Oooff I'm really bad at this film stuff. But probably Timothée Chalamet

34. ZENDAYAAAA

35. ZENDAYA 😩😩 aaand Billie and Conan and Harry

36. Bestie i barely ever watched a movie. But proabbly charlie and the chocolate factory and i also enjoyed little women might just be ciz of the actors.

37. YESS FINALLY MY TYPA QUESTION. Uhh, when i comes to my favourite books, quite hard cuz i read like a LOT. Buut a classic, the fault in our stars. And then 2 dutch books, 'het geheugenboek' and 'alaska' but ye for the most part i forgot about many books or mixed them up.

38. Money tbh lmao 💀 doing stupid impulsive shit is so fun, but i need the money yk. Like how am i supposed to get random piercings and tattoos and dye my hair when I'm hella broke.

39. My deadname had a nickname that some of my old friends are still allowed to use. My parents think my chosen name is my nickname. And my besfriend calls me all typa cute things like 'bitch, dumbass, stoopid'

40. Literally once for myself. Ended up being there for an hour snd nothing was wrong.

41. BESTIE ARE YOU CRAZY, nah i can't choose sorry.

42. Jupp haha people always think I'm fucking crazy with the shit ton ammount of stuff i take. Also, i forgot my antidepressants again i think.

43. Dry and oily mixed 😍 also full of acne ;-;

44. Losing the ppl i love and being alone.

45. None lmao, u crazy?

46. Either a random bun or just having it hanging loose. For danceclass a ponytail

47. Just an ugly house that's medium-sized

48. Billieeeeee 😩 and jisoo when it comes to the way she looks.

49. I don't remember, but it was probably someone in the street saying my hair looks cool or whatever. I also remember this kid asking if I'm a mermaid and saying i must be cuz of my hair and because i was pretty or whatever. Pretty cute lolz.

50. HAHAHAAA i sent a text to my bestfriend rantind about how i stupidly replied to my crush' story at 2 am and how she'll think I'm absolutely insane

51. Uuh i think i knwo when i was 5 but i didn't really care, i went to ask when my brother was like 6 and figured it out, so i was probably 8.

52. Like one of those cute little ones that make u go 'ooohh' don't ask me for the name. I have no clue.

53. Yk, I'm a fucking simp, i thonk it looks hot, but PLEASEE DONTTT at least not regularly.

54. No lmao i quit school

55. Dancerrrr

56. Tf u talking about. I'm European

57. Yessirrr always ahhahaaa

58. Nooo 😭

59. Really depends. But when I'm posing, i don't really, or only with a closed mouth

60. Pfff waaay too manym probably like 10.000 idfk

61. Yeah lmao, ya gurl can't hold in their pee for the life of it

62. Yesssss ofcourseeee omg

63. Idfk what Wendy's is, so imma say mc donalds lmao?

64. Lol whut idek ketchup?

65. Literally whatever the fuck i can blindely grab, usually just some random big shirt and whatever shorts or joggings i find

66. A WHAT?

67. Dance but it's not just a hobby, reading, photograpy, some crocheting. Yk, a bit of everything

68. Somewhat, yeah if i try.

69. Yes, i play the piano. I quit lessons though

70. A dutch artist 'toerist Le Mc' I'm pretty sure. Would've been Måneskin if that cobcert didn't get rescheduled

71. COFFEE ALL THE WAY but i do drink tea too

72. Starbuckssss

73. Let's start with not ending up as a sinlge catmom, shall we

74. H and E. My best friend doesn't even know this bruhhh i feel like I'm betraying him now

75. BESTIE I'M STILL SINGLE. But if it fits my name, probably yeah.

76. Someone tell me, idfk everything looks weird except for brown and grey. Or maybe i just have less style than i thought.

77. Yessss 😭 my friends from school and definitly my best friend. Also my childhood best friends for some reason. And my gothmother who lives in Italy

78. Closed, bestie, first of all, I'd wake up to a yelling mom about how messy my room is, my cat would murder my laptop and some monster would murder me if i left it open.

79. Yeah lol. Tf else are the shadows i see and the touch i feel sometimes.

80. gurl to thins day idfk what a pet peeve is lmao

81. Uuuh i think my mom

82. Ppfftt idfk probably vanilla, basic but guuudd

83. WHAT? i never had fucking golden oreos and i only ever have knockoff glutenfree oreos

84. What in the world. I know i like those chocolate sprinkle thingies for on ur bread but i also know that basically no one outside of the dutch part of belgium or fromt he Netherlands knows it.

85. A white huge shirt from my dad that says 'all the arms we need' with 2 people hugging in the middle. I think it's a protest shirt against some war or otherwise he probably got it at some hippie shop

86. Billie eilish and conan gray

87. Both lmao, depends on my mood and where i am in my stresslevels and the people I'm with.

88. Yesssss unless they are too harsh with it and it breaks off or run their fingers all the way through when it's not brushed.

89. Yeahh, they're sweethearts.

90. Yes, twice a day.

91. Nope unless u count the being jigh on no sleep in 3 whole night. I hallucinated cuz of that like 4 times before. Good times

92. Nope

93. Some random mix of veggies and potatoes

94. Oh bestie i couldn't tell u, there's so many. Mind u, i listen to music 24/7

95. Summer. Actually, spring, but yk

96. Night, but also spring afternoons

97. Dark chocolate, preferably 80%cocoa at least.

98. May or june probably

99. Libraaaaa

100. I think that must be the people i was with at camp.

Unusual Asks

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

is your room messy or clean?

what color are your eyes?

do you like your name? why?

what is your relationship status? 

describe your personality in 3 words or less

what color hair do you have?

what kind of car do you drive? color?

where do you shop?

how would you describe your style?

favorite social media account

what size bed do you have? 

any siblings?

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

favorite snapchat filter? 

favorite makeup brand(s)

how many times a week do you shower?

favorite tv show?

shoe size?

how tall are you?

sandals or sneakers? 

do you go to the gym? 

describe your dream date

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

what color socks are you wearing? 

how many pillows do you sleep with?

do you have a job? what do you do? 

how many friends do you have? 

whats the worst thing you have ever done? 

whats your favorite candle scent? 

3 favorite boy names

3 favorite girl names

favorite actor? 

favorite actress? 

who is your celebrity crush?

favorite movie? 

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? 

money or brains? 

do you have a nickname? what is it? 

how many times have you been to the hospital?

top 10 favorite songs

do you take any medications daily? 

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

what is your biggest fear? 

how many kids do you want? 

whats your go to hair style?

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) 

who is your role model? 

what was the last compliment you received?

what was the last text you sent?

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

what is your dream car? 

opinion on smoking?

do you go to college? 

what is your dream job? 

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? 

do you have freckles? 

do you smile for pictures?

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

have you ever peed in the woods? 

do you still watch cartoons? 

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Favorite dipping sauce? 

what do you wear to bed? 

have you ever won a spelling bee?

 what are your hobbies?

can you draw? 

do you play an instrument?

what was the last concert you saw? 

tea or coffee?

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

do you want to get married?

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

are you going to change your last name when you get married? 

what color looks best on you? 

do you miss anyone right now? 

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

do you believe in ghosts?

what is your biggest pet peeve? 

last person you called`

favorite ice cream flavor? 

regular oreos or golden oreos? 

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

what shirt are you wearing? 

what is your phone background?

are you outgoing or shy?

do you like it when people play with your hair?

do you like your neighbors? 

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

have you ever been high? 

have you ever been drunk? 

last thing you ate? 

favorite lyrics right now

summer or winter? 

day or night? 

dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

favorite month? 

what is your zodiac sign

 who was the last person you cried in front of? 

[ladyofpurple]

here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

[jawnjendes]

the fog will clear up | shawn mendes

chapter 13/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: sry its short and definitely a filler im sry its boring but it helps build up stuff thatll happen next ok ok im sry

*let me know if u wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist

Annalise woke with a start. She was wide awake immediately. There was no room for sleepily rolling around the sheets, her eyes weren't heavy like always. She didn't know what dying and coming back to life felt like, but she was pretty sure it felt something like that. She had a weird urge to go for a jog.

Staring at the ceiling, Annalise reached towards the nightstand next to her, intending to grab her phone. Her hand touched the bottle, and she picked it up anyway, reading the prescription label.

Annalise Flores SERTRALINE 50MG TABLET Brand name: Zoloft

"You don't waste anytime, huh?" she murmured before setting it back down. Then, she grabbed her phone and checked the time.

8:47am. A new fucking record. Annalise rolled out of bed, unable to stay still.

In the 2 hours she had to kill before work, she tidied up the dorm, ate a decent breakfast, took a shower, and got started on the course work she had to make up. The energy levels were through the roof, she had never been so on edge and productive at the same time. Why wasn't she put on sertraline sooner? Sure, she felt hyperaware and borderline anxious, but that was apart of the process of getting on a new antidepressant. She was getting things done this way. Sure, she jumped when the lock on the door jiggled, but she was up and running anyway!

If she wasn't, she wouldn't have seen Stella entering the dorm. She was surprised to see Annalise on the couch, looking like a deer in headlights.

"Oh… I thought you were asleep. I'll, uh, I'll come back."

"No, wait!" Annalise sounded a little too frantic, but it did stop Stella from leaving. "Uh, come sit down! Please!"

Stella narrowed her eyes slightly as she went to the couch. At least she was willing to listen.

"I, uh, I'm sorry," Annalise began, rubbing the back of her neck. "I'm sorry for what I said. A stupid guy isn't the only good in my life. I have you. You matter to me, and I'm sorry for making you feel like you don't." She really couldn't stop herself from rambling. "I miss you. I miss seeing you here between classes, and I miss your optimism because a bitch could use some of that. And, and I'm sorry for the negativity I've brought in here. I'm working on it now, I swear. Just… come back. Come home… because bro, you're my wife, dude."

It could have been funny, but there was nothing funny about the way she said it. Her eyes were wide and pleading, and she was rubbing her hands together. Stella merely blinked her hazel eyes, nearly overwhelmed by that string of words.

"Look at you, expressing your emotions," she said after a while. "I can see why you hold it back."

Annalise nodded rapidly. "It's my first day on a new medication. Got me all sorts of hyped up, but I'll mellow out in a couple of weeks. And I'm taking therapy seriously again!"

Stella was surprised. "Oh, I see. Well… I've missed you too. Bro…"

"Bro?"

"I'll come home too. Camila's bed is too small for the two of us."

"Bro…"

"I know. I have to update you on all that."

"Br-"

"Okay!" Stella broke out a smile and stood up. "Dame un abrazo, puta."

That was much easier than Annalise had anticipated. She stood up and hugged her best friend, relieved. Stella wasn't one to hold a grudge, nor was she as stubborn as her roommate. It was another person to cross off the list.

~

Shawn had social media mainly to get his music out there. Yes, he interacted with his friends on Snapchat, and some fans on Twitter. Most of the time, Shawn just tweeted when he had new music coming out. He didn't check any of his social media very often, not even to stalk Ann's accounts because she was rarely on her's. He didn't even have his notifications on, purely to keep himself from the possibility of getting too attached to the opinions of random strangers online.

That was why he woke up that morning to a number of texts from Camila.

"SHAAWWNWNN"

"SHAWN IM LKTERSLLY BALD RN"

"CHEKC UR TWITTER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"

"YOIR FOLLOWERS!!! AAHSKSKSK"

"SKSKSK SHAWNMM IM SCRAMING"

So to Twitter he went. Shawn rubbed sleep out of his eye as he went to his profile. He had around 10k to begin with, that he built up on his own over the last couple of years. He nearly dropped his phone on his face as he read the new number.

50.2k

"What… the fuck?" he breathed out as he sat up in his bed. He scrolled through the list, making sure this wasn't a series of spam bots.

His mentions were just as wild, and it explained the sudden blow up.

@hollaestor: @shawnmendes hiii bella told me to follow you

@samxriv: @shawnmendes i am free to hang out on tuesday to hang out when i am free

@gisellenjh: @shawnmendes bella sent me here and im glad she did! loving your music!

And there were plenty more like that. There were so many tweets, Shawn couldn't even get through all of them. It was making his head spin. There was only one Bella he knew about too… He just couldn't spell her last name. Thankfully, her handle was just @bellasanti, and it was the first one to pop up when he typed it in the search bar.

Right under Bella Santiago's name and the blue checkmark were the two little words: Follows you. Shawn refreshed the page ten times before it sank in. This YouTuber, who has over 2 million followers, somehow found Shawn's music… and she liked it. She liked it enough to tweet about it… 3 days ago.

@bellasanti: underrated spotify artists: @shawnmendes. give him a listen. send him some love. truly talented guy💖

Shawn had only overheard Bella's videos when Ann was watching them in the other room. He never really watched any of her content. But he wanted to pass out at the fact that she took the time to listen to his music and tweet about him. He wanted to jump on the bed. He wanted to call-

He texted Camila back. "Wtf why did no one tell me sooner?? This is so crazy!!!!!"

"We thought you knew and you were keeping it from us!! LMAO congrats rockstar!"

He couldn't believe it. His follower count was rising. He was getting emails from Spotify saying his songs were being added to many different playlists.

@shawnmendes: @bellasanti wow thank you so much! Love you bella❤

He deleted the last bit before tweeting it. Holy shit. Shawn lied back down on the mattress, completely breathless.

How does someone like Bella Santiago find Shawn out in cyberspace? What Spotify rabbit hole did she go down that led her to him? How many of his songs did she listen to? How many songs did she save to her library? How many of those playlist emails were from her? Shawn had so many questions.

~

There were two things Annalise noticed when she was out on the courtyard after Biology. The first thing was a table on the side of the walkway, with a handmade banner hanging off the front. It read in big letters: Shawn Mendes: Live at The Cameron House. Brian, Alessia. and Camila were all sat on the same side at this table, talking to a student who was interested in the little display.

"The lounge called back," Annalise muttered to herself.

The other thing Annalise noticed was Patrick sitting under a tree nearby, reading a book. She went to him first.

The last time she had spoken to Patrick was when they cut up flowers together. He was never one to explicitly state when something has upset him, and he has seen Annalise in a depressive episode before. Annalise knew him well. Patrick kept his distance because he didn't like the negativity around her, and he couldn't afford any more of it himself.

"Hey," she greeted.

His blue eyes tore away from his book to meet her gaze. "'Sup?"

"Trying to be less fucked in the head," she told him.

Patrick nodded in approval. "Cool."

That was all that was needed for the two of them. Content, Annalise turned and went for the table. A small line had formed when she wasn't looking, so she waited behind the last person. However, with three people running the thing, Annalise got to the front fairly quick.

"Oh, she actually showed up," Brian chimed, amused.

"Meaning?" Annalise asked.

"Thought you were too pissed at Shawn to care about his show, that's all."

She swallowed the pit of annoyance, discovering that even more people knew about that. Brian is his friend, though, of course he'd know.

"Selling tickets or something?" Annalise turned her attention to the two girls.

"Yeah! Ten dollars a piece!" Alessia explained.

"Cool, I'll take one."

Just as she opened the flap on her book bag, Camila spoke up.

"Wait. I'm pretty sure Shawn said he wanted to buy you your ticket himself."

Annalise rolled her eyes. "Well, he's not here and I can do things for myself." She pulled out her wallet and paid her own goddamn ticket.

Camila breathed out a laugh. "Are you ever gonna let him do anything nice for you?"

None of your fucking business.

A new thought occurred to Annalise. "Why are tickets being sold for this show? Aren't his gigs usually free?"

"There's more production going into this one," Brian told her. "The lounge gave him the option to make it a ticketed event, and we need to make back what we already put into it. So now, it won't be a performance, it'll be Shawn's performance."

Shawn already knew how to make an audience his bitch, but…

"Alright then." Annalise shrugged and then accepted her ticket and receipt from Alessia.

The ticket alone was already quite extravagant. There were little red roses designed around the edges. This boy really loved his fucking flowers.

"I'm guessing rose petals will fall from the ceiling or something?" she guessed with a chuckle.

"I was given strict orders to not spoil anything," Brian told her, folding his arms.

The two had a mini staredown until Annalise shrugged again. "Whatever."

Then, Camila piped up again, suddenly excited. "Ooh, Ann did you hear? Bella Santiago followed Shawn on Twitter!"

"She what?" Annalise stupidly replied.

Camila practically squealed. "She gave him a shoutout too! He's blowing up on Spotify! Isn't that awesome?"

Annalise wanted to say something, but her brain wasn't quite caught up yet. So she just walked away.

The other three students watched her leave. Needless to say, they were confused.

"Is she ever gonna be happy for him?" Alessia wondered.

"I think she was excited?" Camila said tilting her head.

"I can't believe Shawn is going through all this trouble for that," Brian said with a scoff.

"I can still hear you!" Annalise called over her shoulder as she kept walking.

All three of them went red in the face, embarrassed. Brian would have made a comment about her being a vampire with supersonic hearing, but he didn't want to be called out again.

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou  @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @goldenmndes @shawnvvmendes @shawnsunflower @shawmndes @ruinhoney @someoneunimportantxx @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @mutuallynotmutual

[thin-cute-queer]

Got groceries!

We were able to get everything I wanted! Now I can eat healthy! We still have a lot of ramen and a couple of cans of pasta and my husband bought some frozen burritos so I'm going to try to avoid them as much as possible.

Time to plan my diet c:

I get up at 6:30 during the week to wake up my husband for work, and I'm too tired to cook anything so I usually have a spoonful of peanut butter with my first dose of my antidepressant to shut my stomach up and go back to sleep for a few hours.

When I wake up again I'll have some coffee with stevia and half and half and maybe a little vanilla.

It'll be a little while before I get hungry but when I do I'll either make a salad with tuna or cook some chicken and broccoli.

Between 2 and 3 I'll take my second dose of my antidepressant.

I'll most likely get hungry before dinner so I'm going to boil some eggs to keep for snacks.

For dinner I'll probably do chicken and broccoli or a salad.

Throughout the day I'm going to be drinking from my 72 ounce water bottle and trying to empty it by the time I go to bed. I'm also going to try to have at least 2 cups of green tea per day. Before bed, I'm going to drink that ginger-green tea-lemon stuff.

I take my nighttime meds, which are an antipsychotic and a prescription sleep aid, around 9 so I can be asleep around 10.

Also during the day I am going to try to do at least 20 regular squats, 20 plie squats, 30 push ups(using the countertop because I'm not strong enough to do it on the floor lmao) and 20 hand squeezes on each hand. As I get stronger I'll do more but I'm going to start with these numbers.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to measure myself every week to see if I'm making progress!

Wish me luck, friendos!

[moonlightandmarble]

Writer Questions

tagged by @alsoabear , thank you!

1. Do you stick to an outline when drafting?

I’m trying to but uh, my writing is about at organized as I am. Meaning it’s not at all.

2. How long do you take to develop characters before drafting? Or do you use the drafting process to get to know your characters?

I already know who they are for the most part and the writing kinda unveils the rest as I delvee in further

3. What gets you in the zone to write?

antidepressants.

(but also a good playlist, a full screen scrivener window, blankies) < all of this, also a decent movie can help get things moving if I’m unmotivated due to executive dysfunction

4. What time of day do you write? Do you stick to specific days to write?

Basically whenever I get into the zone or the frenzy takes me. Usually at ungodly times of the morning.

5. Do you always write in the same place / room?

Usually in bed, currently on grandma’s ancient gold couch in the living room

6. Do you listen to music during a writing session?

It’s mandatory at this point. Words don’t flow right otherwise.

7. How long are your typical writing sessions?

Oh god I have no idea. 

8. Do you read back your work or edit your work before writing the next chapter?

i’ll read over what i have to familiarize mineself with it again if i have to but i don’t edit until it’s done bc otherwise i’ll end up totally fucking up my ability to actually….write lmao. I’M A VERY DELICATE BEAR I’M A BEEF WELLINGTON VERY TEMPERAMENTAL AND DIFFICULT TO COOK WELL. GORDON RAMSAY ALONE CAN MASTER MY DIFFICULT BRAIN NEEDS IT’S V FRUSTRATING < also same

9. What’s your average goal for a writing session (word count, pages written, etc)?

Whatever works to get it out of my head and into a program

lol not tagging cos I suck