#oh I hope not one of this people would ever in situation where abused friend relies on them

[tenok]

.

[mooodyblue]

hi lovely! it’s calla from @bellanotchewrites . i was wondering if you could write a lil sumn-sumn about a reader who has a crappy living situation (maybe their parents are verbally abusive or something along those lines?) what elvis would do to help them get through it, if he would stand up to their parents, if he would get them out, etc. thank you so much, and i’m sorry if this is too heavy (feel free to ignore if so)!!

-all my love, calla xx

ty for the request! hope this is okay 🫶🏼 i wrote this with a platonic relationship between the two in mind, but whatever floats your boat!

just good friends

pairing: elvis x gn!reader

wc: 1.5k

warnings: light cursing, verbally abusive parents

➸ masterlist

you were always weary of growing close to people. it was one thing hanging out during school and at school, but hanging out outside of school? a nightmare. their parents would have to meet yours, yours would come back to you immediately feeling the need to judge you, saying you weren't good enough to be friends with people like their kids.

but that's just how it was in your world. you weren't good enough for anything or anyone. even the best grades weren't good enough for your parents. you'd be lucky enough even to be let out of the house if it wasn't for something school-related. everyone was going out, driving around, and going to the movies every weekend while you had to sit at home and read or study. 

then came along the new kid, elvis presley. you were caught off guard by him, how he was neatly dressed and had his hair all done up. he certainly didn't look like any of the other boys, not that you were judging of course. 

he seemed to be the odd one out. he had made a few friends, but was soft-spoken and always tried keeping to himself. after some time, he finally approached you, noticing how you'd always sit alone for lunch. he stood in front of you, his lunch in his hands. “can i sit here?” he asked. 

you looked up from your book, “okay.” you pushed your things closer to you and let him sit across from you. 

the two of you didn't say much, he didn't seem to want to make an effort to speak to you. you were too focused on your book to really care anyway. 

“i-i like comic books.” elvis blurted out suddenly, causing you to look up again. “like..u-um…c-captain marvel jr…you know. h-he's my favorite.” he added, his cheeks pink. 

“oh.” you muttered. “i’ve…i’ve never read–”

“sorry.” he accidentally interrupted. “i-i mean….” he let out a frustrated sigh, looking down and shaking his head. 

his awkwardness made you giggle, and immediately became friends in no time. 

just like everyone else, you only hung out with him during school hours. you had lunch together and always partnered up during class, getting closer and closer each day. it wasn't until he asked about seeing a movie together, wanting to hang out outside of school hours. you explained that you had to ask your parents first, which he completely understood and left it at that.

your parents bombarded you with questions; asking who he was, where he was from, how you knew him, what was he like….it almost felt like a game of twenty questions except the questions continued to go on forever and ever. “how did you manage to make a friend like him? who knew you could actually make friends? are you good enough for him?” your dad spat, questions that made you rethink your entire friendship with elvis. 

when elvis finally approached you and asked about hanging out again, you explained that your parents wouldn't allow it—it wasn't until he asked why not when you really…didn't know why. you felt silly replying with “i just can't.”, but that was the best you could do. 

elvis didn't want to give up that fast. part of him felt like you were lying. 

he tried asking you again to hang out, only for you to shut him down again. over and over again you begged and pleaded with your parents to give you permission, eventually agreeing to let elvis come over as long as the two of you stayed in the living room where they could see you. he didn’t judge you for having strict parents, he understood how some parents could get sometimes. his parents weren’t as strict, but his momma was always on his case about being careful just for crossing the street. 

he quickly learned to realize your parents were beyond strict. they were kind to him once he had come over, but after hanging out for awhile—he felt odd about being around your parents.

anytime you had gone into another room, he could hear the whispers and judgemental remarks towards you for no reason. it was as if they were trying to make you feel undeserving of a friend like elvis. they had no issue bringing up your grades in front of him. you’d nervously handed them your report card, having all A+’s except for one subject.

he felt so awkward sitting there. it was like they were doing it on purpose. 

“you’ve got time to make friends, but no time to focus on algebra? what is this?” your mom asked, pointing at the marks on the piece of paper. 

“momma, i—” you started.

“we did not raise a child to be as dumb as you.” she spat, tossing the paper back at you. “i better see you both working on algebra. no child of mine gets embarrassing grades like that!” 

elvis’s mouth hung low as she walked out of the room, looking at you and how flushed you were, clearly humiliated. “hey—”

“you should just go.” you interrupted.

“what?” his eyes widened, “i ain't leavin’. y-you gonna let her talk to you like that?” 

you sighed, shaking your head. “it’s nothing.” you pulled a textbook out from your bag, curling up on the sofa and opening it to a page you'd been struggling on. “it’s fine, i just need to work harder.”

“the hell you do!” he nearly yelled out. “they don't even let you leave the house. you sit at school readin’ borin’ ol’ textbooks and dictionaries—you don't deserve to be talked down like that.”

“elvis, just drop it. okay? please?” you begged. 

you made peace with your living situation. you made peace with being trapped inside your home constantly, harassed and judged for the littlest things by your family. it wasn't worth fighting back, it never was. 

you saw the sad look in elvis’s eyes when you admitted defeat, just letting it go and staring at a textbook with you.

to your surprise, your parents let him come over again. this time, he had brought a few comic books over—hoping to introduce you to his favorites and to introduce you to something that isn't a boring textbook. you enjoyed hearing elvis ramble about his interests, how he stuttered his way through the plot of some of the comics and series he read. 

oh, but you weren't allowed to have fun. 

you were giggling along with him, a bit too close together as you read along with him—gasping and aw’ing at some of the different parts. your father walked in furious, trying to see what you were giggling about, his eyes red as he saw what you were reading. 

he pushed the two of you away from each other and ripped the comic book from your lap. “reading this junk when your grades aren't the way they should be?” he said snarkily.

elvis looked up at him, almost in disbelief that he did that to him too and not just you. “sir, t-that's mine.” 

“don't be bringing this garbage into my home.” he shot back, pointing the crumbled-up comic at him. he looked back at you, “is this why you've gone stupid? because you're hangin’ out with squrriels like him?” 

instead of fighting back, you looked down ashamed. it was always better to keep your mouth shut. 

“answer me!” he smacked your arm with the comic book. “you deaf now? huh? speak to your father when he's talking to you!” his voice raised higher, his eyes angry as he got closer to you.

elvis couldn't take it anymore, standing up. “that's enough, sir!” he got back in his face—blocking him from getting closer to you. “n-now maybe i ain't the smartest kid in school, but y/n sure is. a-and…w-well—goddammit, y/n is tryin’ their best!” he stomped his foot, grabbing your hand. 

“elvis, don't—”

he shushed you, looking back at your father. “w-what kinda parent talks to their own child in that way?! m-maybe you're the stupid one!” 

you stifled back a giggle, covering your mouth as you looked away. 

your father was raging, looking at elvis in pure disgust. “how dare you speak to an adult in that way!” he growled.

“and how dare you speak to your child in that way?!” elvis spat back. “y/n is one of–if not the smartest kid i know. you–you lock ‘em up in this house all damn weekend, givin’ 'em no independence—who does that someone?! huh?!”

he opened his mouth to fire back, just shaking his head and pointing at the front door. “get the hell outta my house.” 

“gladly. c'mon, y/n.” elvis muttered angrily, taking your hand to drag you out of the house. 

“now, where do you think you're goin’ with my kid?!” he asked quickly, getting ready to grab at your arm. 

“gettin' ‘em the hell out of here. that's what i’m doin’!” he quickly ushered you out the front door, nearly shoving you into his truck and driving off before your father could get a chance to catch up with you.

you turned around, looked out the back window with your eyes widened as your father looked as if he didn't know what to do. “elvis…i….jesus. what did you just do?!” you asked frantically, turning to look at him in the drivers seat as he drove down the street.

“what did i do?” he repeated back, scoffing and shaking his head before nudging your shoulder. “i ain't got no damn clue, honey.”

[soobinzzwallet]

Be my baby ? જ⁀➴

Jake is head frat boy and you need someone to help you get rid of your ex (frat) boyfriend. Jake loves you secretly but do you? And as much as him?

What better situation to be in :D

frat boy Jake x reader

TW: violence, rumors, abuse, slutshaming

note ♡ : Enjoyyyy! I might do part 2

♡ 8:20 PM

--------------------------------

Summer is back, the weather is more sunnier and warm on the skin and that means bikini's out and more house parties are back. More frat house parties. Where the craziest shits happen as in dealing,stripping and whipping out you know what.

For you hell only begun now, since you broke up with your ex "k". He has been bugging you left and right about how you're missing out or you lost a diamond. A diamond? Please he was a peace of shit. Cheated on you multiple time with diff' girls. You did Not take that.

But unfortunately for you, you couldn't just be alone and weep about the heartbreak. Your friend Yunjin obviously had to drag you to another frat party that oh by the way your ex is also part of. Yeah life sucks right now for you. But you couldn't say no to Yunjin. She'll kill you if you said the simple word of two letters n and o , " no" .

She wore a black skirt witha silver top that also had diamonds on them along with glitter. She also had black boots on along with a black and silver belt around her tiny waist and silver jewelries ofc.

You wore a black short who covered enough with ripped black leggings under the shorts. You also wore a graphic black T-shirt your dad use to own and over that a black zipper with your black converse. And for jewelries you only had your silver rings and chains. They're casual.

You don't eve know how she got them to let you in. I mean you weren't the typical girl they would invite. Even when you were still in a relationship with K, He would barely bring you. You had no problem with it tho. You felt uncomfortable going there. You'd rather read your books and stay in your cozy room and sleeping in your amazing bed.

But here you are... at a frat party where your ex is a member of. God please pray for me. The booming sounds of the music was clrear from blocks away now imagine if you were actually at the house party. When you arrived before getting out of the car you let out a big ass sigh. Because tonight was really going to be a long night for you.

♡ 8:50 PM at the frat house party

------------------------------------

When you pulled up to the house you got hitt with a wave of smoke and a song scent of alcohol and aybe even drugs. You already begun to hate the decision you made to come to the party. Why does Yunjin have such a big effect on you? You're never able to say no to her, EVER! " Hey, let's go imma introduce you to my friends " she said.

You already knew her other girl friends who were mostly girlfriends of frat boys. They didn't like you for some reason, everyone if not most people thought you were a lesbian. And just because of a stupid rumor that K spreaded after y'all broke up. To save his ass and try to make people think he was a victim. "GUYS, this is Y/N. Y/N these are my firends, heeseung,jake,sunghoon,and jay my babyyy " she said.

they all introduced themselves and you did too. After that the one called Jake, he looked like a puppy more specifically a golden retriever. He had a black T-shirt and silver chainds and rings and a grey,blue mixed colors pants. They looked good on him, he looked good too. He was a solid 10/10 not gonna lie. He pointed at you in utter excittement " Hey our favorite lesbian ". Wich by the way he said it too loudly. You closed your eyes and internally rolled them and cursed under your breath before answering.

" I'm not a lesbian, it's just some stupid rumor!" you said trying to explain, hoping they would understand your situations. But you doubt it since they're prob friend with k. I mean they're in the same fraternity so, isn't that obvious that they would rather believe their own "brother". You just sighed again for the nth time today and decided to go look around the house and find a nice spot to chill.

You grabbed yourself a bottle of coke to have some sort of company while looking around. It was the usual college parties, drunk boys and girls. Dealers dealing , drinking , alcohol. A lot of alcohol and people being freaky in front of everyone ew. After a whie you thought you found a spot it was outside in the garden on a little secluded area from the rest.

You had a chair in hand from the bar and used it to sit on it and drink your coke while waiting for Yunjin to get done with whatever she's doing right now. You started rinking and enjoying the vieuw you had it was pretty. The stars were twinkling and they were beautiful too. It was when you almost finished your coke that you felt like you were hungry so you got back in and left the chair and the coke to go grab something to eat " maybe a cake would be good " you thought.

Your rushed trough the kitchen and trough the waves of bodies of drunk college boys and girls. It was when you almost got to your destination when suddenly a hand turned you around it was him. K grabbed your wrist and turned you around to look at him.

" Let me go! What do you want? "

" What the fuck are you doing here huh? "

" That doesn't fucking matter, let me go! "

" Oh don't worry i already know, you came here to slut around right? Trying to fuck the head frats huh? With your slutty bitch ass friend Yunjin-

SLAP!

You slapped him. You weren't going to take his shit anymore, no not anymore! But K didn't take that well, this time he choked you and pushed you to the wall. He put a lof of pressure in his hands that were on your neck. Since he was bigger and stronger than you, the pressure was even more. You almost couldn't breathe anymore and almost gave up when-

BLATCH!

A bat was smacked into his head, k fell down immediatly he was now unconscious big time. You looked at your savior trough hooded eyes, the ffect was still hard on you but it became better slowly.

" Are you okay? "

you didn't respond, couldn't actually...

" Y/N are you okay? " you remembered that voice. It was jake one of yunjin's friends. The one that looked like a golden retriever. He picked you up with a little grunt and set you on a table not far from where you guys justs standed. He took your face in his hands and checked for any bruises.

" Can you please send me somewhere,please? " you asked him and he let you go telling you to lead the way. And you did, you walked back to the area a little further away from the partying people. Soon you noticed that your coke bottle was now empty. " Oh uhm yeah sorry i drank that " he paused and continued " what happened back there? If you feel comfortable telling me ofcourse. " you responded.

" My ex is crazy, i caught him cheating and he was a pussy and started spreading rumors about me and harassing me. Because he thought i would tell other people about it " you said between little pauses.

There was a long pause until he responded " there might be a solution for this " you raised an eyebrow at him and then you suddenly realised how close y'all were to each other. So close that it'll seem that you were kissing each other. You just kept looking at him. When suddenly he closed the gap between y'all and kissed you hard. I'm saying hand on your waist that also wanted to travel to your butt but didn't.

" The solution is be my girl, baby " he said smirking at you.

♡ 9:20 PM

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No proofread

Also it's ike 1 AM here 😭😭 my sleeping schedule is fucked up

[cleoluvrr]

The Last Days of Summer XI (Rafe Cameron x Heyward!OC)

Warnings: violence, underage drinking, drug use, verbal abuse, jealousy, forbidden relationship, enemies to lovers, gaslighting + manipulation

Synopsis: Stuck in a situation she never dreamed of, Neriah Heyward blurs the line between Kook and Pogue; Rafe Cameron a witness.

masterlist

word count: 7.2k+

↠━ღ◆ღ━↞

It had been barely a couple weeks and I already feel like a damn fool for a plethora of reasons.

John B Routledge had been released from county jail; all charges dropped. A free man once again. And while I was happy for him, I felt nothing but anger and disappointment. For in his place is Rafe Cameron.

Rafe’s face had been plastered all over the news the moment John B was released, accused of the murder of Peterkin. Nobody had seen or heard from Ward’s son, besides me. He called me saying something about Sarah and Wilmington, but I hung up because he sounded drunk and frantic. I told him to call me back when he calmed down, but he never did. That was when I found out.

Turns out he had been arrested for first degree murder and probably an array of other charges. He was rotting away in some cell in the county jail, his father was MIA from what I’ve heard, and my brother and his friends were out celebrating.

I hadn’t left the house since I saw the first news report for anything but school, unable to stop beating myself up. I hadn’t told Londyn anything, but she could tell something was up and was practically itching with concern. My brother hadn’t been home long enough to notice my change in mood, though I doubt he would ask if he was.

Then at school Monday morning, all I could hear though the halls was the news of Ward Cameron’s death. I had never been more confused in my life at the ever-evolving situation. 

‘Rafe was framed.’ ‘Ward Cameron killed himself.’ ‘Mr. Cameron killed Peterkin.’ Whispers upon whispers talking about the events of Sunday night. Ward Cameron confessed to the murders of multiple people, including the sheriff, and then blew up his boat with himself inside it to evade police capture. They released Rafe that same day, apparently. Though, I hadn’t heard from him since that phone call on Friday.

I called him about ten times, four times on Monday when I got home and throughout the week. I even walked past Tannyhill on the way to Brye’s house, but it didn’t look like anyone had been there in a while. I stopped at some point, realizing that he was going through more important things that didn’t involve me.

My phone rings on my nightstand, the sound pulling my eyes away from the window where the moon shines through. I roll over, eyes widening at the name on the screen.

“Rafe?” All hear on the other end is soft breathing and no verbal answer. “Rafe, is that you? Hello?” I tried again.

“Neriah…” He says, voice calm as he trails off.

“Rafe? Oh my god!” I jump out of bed onto my feet. “What- Where have you been? What the hell is going on? I’ve been worried out of my mind!”

My heart nearly falls out of my mouth at the sound of his voice on the other end and I have to stop myself from yelling, parents sleeping not too far away. So many questions race through my mind that I can’t even pick one to start with. 

“Calm down, Neriah. I’ll explain everything.”

“Uh, I would sure fucking hope so!” I shout angrily into the microphone. “Do you know how many times I’ve called you? You got fucking arrested, Rafe Cameron! Then your dad blows up his goddamn boat and you disappear for days!”

“Calm down-” I cut him off.

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” I say, pacing around my bedroom.

“Calm down, Neriah.” He says again, more firmly this time. “Come outside.” He hangs up the phone after that, not giving me a chance to react.

I huff, slipping on a pair of spandex shorts and a zip up before quietly exiting through the back of the shop. I shut the door quietly behind me, shivering at the cool air against my practically bare legs. I peek around the corner and spot Rafe leaning against his blue Ford truck. I yank my head back behind the wall, taking a deep breath before entering his sight.

I walk towards him slowly, the sound of the gravel beneath my beat up shoes capturing his attention in the silent night. I wrap my arms around myself, all my anger from a few minutes ago dissipated as soon as I saw him for myself. Our eyes lock and are unable to pull away from each other.

I reach him, stopping a few feet away from the car. I look around to make sure nobody is out being nosy, especially not my parents.

“God, I missed you.” Rafe says. He moves forward the few feet that I did not, pulling me into a crushing embrace. The scent of his cologne seeps into my nostrils and I remain tense in the warmth of his arms.

I relax the longer he holds me, hesitantly returning the hug after what feels like an eternity of one-sided awkwardness. I hear him breathe in deeply, welcoming the smell of me to enter his nose as if he couldn’t go any longer without it. We stay like this for a second too long and I clear my throat, the sound clear over the crickets hiding in the grass.

“Can you explain what the hell is going on?” I mumble into his hard chest.

“You know what happened.”

“Yeah, I do.” I say, pushing him off me gently. “But I need you to tell me.” He sighs but nods,  running a hand through his hair.

He pulls me to the other side of the car, opening the passenger door for me. Before I can get in he grabs me again. He presses me against the frame and kisses me deeply, the sound of him inhaling through his nose filling my ears. I close my eyes, hand resting on his waist as I enjoy the familiar embrace. He smells like Versace Eros, as always, and his lips are even softer against mine than I remembered.

He pulls away after a few seconds, allowing me to get into the car and closing the door before getting in on his side. He pulls around the corner and parks behind an abandoned building, not too far from my house but far out of view of prying eyes. He stops the car and gestures to the backseat. I get out and move to the back, Rafe following after pulling something out of the glove box.

“I know you’ve probably been going through a lot but you could’ve at least texted me or something.” I say when he opens the back door. “Do you know-”

He kisses me again as soon as he joins me in the truck, cutting me off as his hand finds home on the small of my back. His other lands on my hip, pulling me onto his lap without disconnecting from my lips. I make a sound of surprise that is swallowed down by him, our teeth knocking together awkwardly.

I try to back away and he follows me with his head, noses smashed together as he holds me still.

He pulls away, trailing wet kisses along my jawline and repeating how much he’s missed me during each breath he takes. He pulls me impossibly close, bodies pressed together so tightly that my lungs stop expanding fully from the lack of space between us. 

“Rafe, stop.” I whisper breathlessly, trying to regain my composure as he continues the ministrations on my neck. “We need to talk.”

“We’re gonna have so much time to talk, I promise.” He mumbles into the column of my throat.

I gasp at the feeling of him reaching up into my hair and pulling my head back, exposing more of my neck for him to mark up. He brushes his lips down further, the soft skin leaving kisses along my collarbones. I feel his hair ticking the bottom of my chin as he nips at the thin, sensitive skin of my chest. 

The thought of him leaving bruises on my skin sends shivers of excitement down my body, which are turned into ones of worry when I think about what will happen if anyone sees them. My parents, Londyn, Pope. 

My hand reaches up to thread the back of his hair with my fingers and I reluctantly pull him away, the boy chasing after my neck with his lips.

“Rafe…” He looks at me with dark eyes. I can’t tell if he’s annoyed by my stopping him, or if something else that I’m far too embarrassed to even think about as I sit here in his lap. “Seriously, we need to talk. Now.”

“Okay.” He barely nods his head, his hands moving down to my thighs and away from my head. “I have a question for you…” He prompts. 

“I think I’m the one asking the questions here.”

“I told you we’ll have time for that later.” He chews on his bottom lip. “I have a question, seriously. Answer me seriously.”

“Okay, Rafe. What is it?” I say sighing. His hands gently kneading into the meat of my thighs has me slightly distracted, breath hitching every time they move up a little higher than I expect.

“Would you run away with me?” I throw my head back in laughter at the question, my voice filling the otherwise silent truck. “I’m being serious, Neriah. Don’t laugh at me.”

He looks unamused when I raise my head back, jaw clenched tightly as he fixes me with his sharp eyes.

“You’re being serious?” I ask incredulously. His fingers dig into my thighs a little deeper and I wince internally, the feeling only lasting as second before he lightens up.

“Yes, I’m being serious. I just said I’m being serious, so I don’t know what you’re laughing at me.”

“I’m sorry, Rafe. “ I pout at him, pushing his hair out of his face gently. “That’s such a random question. But no, I wouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Are you serious?” He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. “Let me rephrase that. I’m in my senior year of high school, I hopefully leave for college next year, and as much as I would love to get the hell off this island, I would like to do it with a plan in mind.”

“You don’t think we can make a plan together?” He sounds absolutely serious, which has me worried about the impact the death of his dead has had on him.

Run away with him? We aren’t exactly madly in love and trying to escape our oppressive parents. Kildare may be a shit island, but I have a life here, and so does Rafe. And as much as I’m letting myself trust him and turn over a new leaf, I would not rely on him to come up with anything sane; especially not after the events of the past week.

“Rafe, I mean a reasonable plan. A real plan.” He scoffs at me, the expression one of offense.

“I have a real plan!”

“Rafe, I have my whole life ahead of me, and we literally just started dating.”  I shake my head at him which only seems to irritate him more. “Many of those days were spent alone because you were MIA. Not to mention you were just up for murder.”

“I didn’t kill anyone!” He shouts. I flinch my head back at the raising of his voice so close to my face.

“Okay, Rafe, I believe you. I do.” I say, hands placed on his shoulders and I lightly massage the tension out of his shoulders. “But you’ll have to forgive me if I’m more than a bit opposed to what you’ve just asked me.”

He throws his head back against the seat, poking his tongue through his cheek once again. He sighs heavily before tapping my thigh twice. He looks at me blankly, eyes swirling with something I have a hard time deciphering. 

When it comes to Rafe, he is two things. Extremely easy to read, or impossible to read. I can always tell when he’s high or intoxicated from his inability to cloak the emotion behind his dilated eyes and his need to spill every thought in his head out of his mouth. But at this moment, he is stone cold sober. Reading him when he’s like this is terribly hard and I haven’t yet mastered the skill.

“It’s okay, I’ll figure it out.” He says mysteriously, the sentence left far too open for my liking. Suddenly he smiles brightly at me. “I have something for you.” He says, reaching down near the floor of the car.

He pulls out a medium sized, white bag with a muted pink bow. My eyes squint at the boldly printed Pandora across the front. He pulls out a small ring box first and my heart starts beating against my chest so hard I think it just might escape.

“Rafe, I hope you aren’t about to propose to me because if you are,” I watch nervously as he opens the box. “I have some bad news for you.”

He pulls the jewelry out of the cushioned case and I almost gasp. The ring is shaped like a tiara and is absolutely covered in crystals that look far too similar to diamonds for my comfortability. He grabs my right hand gently and slips the ring on. He looks at it on my finger fondly, smiling down at it glittering in the moonlight.

“Rafe, get this shit off my hand before I freak.” He shakes his head at me, chuckling at my reaction. “Are those diamonds? Rafe, are you crazy?”

“It’s just cubic zirconia, calm down.” He kisses the finger decorated by the ring. “A tiara for my princess.”

“Rafe.” I look down at the piece in awe. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Think of it as an apology for my behavior.” He pecks my cheek lightly, lips brushing against the skin as he speaks. “You deserve everything in the world for giving me a chance.”

“When did you even have time to buy this?” I ask. He shrugs and reaches back into the bag.

He pulls out a larger, flatter black velvet box. He opens the box and pulls out a necklace. It’s a dainty silver chain with an RC pendant dangling from the middle. The initials glisten under the moon in a way similar to the ring. He opens the necklace and places it around my neck, clasping it behind my neck. The pedant sits right in the middle of my chest, the metal cool against my skin.

His smile gets even wider at the sight of me wearing it, the letters of his name and the fresh red, purple marks adorning my neck bringing him much joy.

“Rafe, I can’t wear this.”

“Why not?” He asks, a smile still bright on his face. “No one knows we even talk, I’m sure they won’t connect the dots just yet.”

I slap my palm against my forehead, cursing to myself quietly. 

How do I explain the origins of the gifts to people? The ring I can hide, but there’s no way I can get around my friends or family asking why I have a big, fat RC sitting on my neck. My parents may not care that much, I can thank my brother for their lack of curiosity in my mostly uneventful life. However my brother would have me under interrogation. JJ would too if he got to me first.

‘Where’d you get that?’ ‘What does that stand for?’ ‘How did you afford that?’ I can hear the barrage of questions now, the image of me sitting under a bright lamp in an interrogation room while JJ and Pope play good cop, bad cop with me heavy on my mind.

“Do you think I can walk around my neighborhood wearing this without someone noticing?” I say worriedly. “Without my parents noticing?” 

“I’m sure you can come up with something.” He shrugs, reaching up and fiddling with the necklace’s pendant. “You’re a smart girl.”

“You stress me out so much.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I don’t mean to.” He pecks my lips sweetly two times. “Those are real diamonds, by the way.”

The weight of the piece on my neck tripled as the words left his mouth. I almost rip it off and shove it back into the box it came from.

“Do not buy me anything else, Rafe Cameron.” He hums with a light, closed mouth smile dancing on his lips.

“We’ll see.” He says playfully. “When I see pretty things all I can think of is my pretty girl wearing them.” 

I have to force the grin from creeping its way onto my face, biting down on my lip harshly to prevent myself from exposure. I hear the blood rush into my ears and If not for the color of my skin, he would surely see the blush on my face. Though that did not stop him from figuring me out, the back of his hand reached up to feel my burning hot cheeks as if he just knew what I was hiding. 

His smile gets even wider, skin stretched across the beautiful set of teeth residing in his mouth.

“Why would you ask if I would run away with you?” I bring up the topic again to remove the attention off of me, thoughts racing through my mind. “You were pissed when Sarah ran off with John B, so what makes it any different if we did it?”

The smile drops right off his face, teeth hidden between the curtain of his lips once again as he remains quiet. He huffs through his nose, bright eyes riddled with irritation from the mention of the brunette boy that’s dating his younger sister.

“John B is a no good Pogue that corrupted my sister’s mind.” He shakes his head. “I’m better than him, I have more to give you than he could ever give my sister.”

“I’m also a Pogue.” I point out. He shakes his head again and reaches to twirl the ends of my braids with his finger. “You can pretend that I’m not, but you see what side of town you’re on. I am also friends with John B in some capacity.”

“I told you don’t hang out with him anymore. You aren’t like them.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I say scoffing.

“You’re better than them. You’re smart, and kind, and not a criminal.” He explains. “You’re even better than I am, and I love that about you.”

“That doesn’t make me not a Pogue, Rafe.”

“I know that, but you are more than just that.” He places a hand on my cheek softly, thumb caressing the skin beneath it. “So many of them are just that and nothing else. They have nothing going for them. Being born a Pogue isn’t their fault, but they don’t even try to change anything for the better. But you? You want to get the hell off this island and make a life for yourself, and that makes you different.”

“What about my brother? He works just as hard as me.” He chuckles dryly.

“He can’t stop running around with people that couldn’t care any less about his future, so what about him?” I sigh and shake my head at his words, knowing that I somewhat agree.

“What would your plan be?” 

He hums in response as a way to ask what I mean, eyebrows pinched and raised.

“If we ran away together, which I’m not saying will ever happen, what would your plan be?” I peel his hand off my face and hold it in my own. “You’re nineteen with no job, I haven’t even finished school yet. How would we survive? Where would we live? Do you plan to live off daddy’s money forever? Because it will run out at some point, Rafe.”

“My dad left Cameron Development to me. He taught me how to run the company, how to be the man of the house.” He says with a firmness. “I handle business, I know how to take care of my family.”

“That’s not what I asked.” My voice is inching on the edge of an attitude. “And are you sure it’s you taking care of business? Or have you left it for Rose to deal with.”

“That greedy bitch doesn’t know how to do anything right.” He practically growls out. “I know what I’m doing, Neriah. It’s not for you to worry about.”

I don’t know what the grift is with his stepmother but mentioning her seems to only make him angry, her name something of a trigger. I’ve never asked what happened to his real mom, but I don't think that conversation would go any better than this one.

He still doesn’t really answer my question, and I feel the conversation turning into more of an argument than anything else. I sigh loudly and squeeze his hand tenderly. 

“Okay, Rafe.” I say.

We’re interrupted by Rafe’s phone ringing in his pocket, the sound of it replacing our voices. He pulls it out, rolling his eyes at the name on the screen. He declines the call, opting to text the person instead. I assume It’s because I’m in the car.

He goes back and forth with the person for a few minutes, one hand texting and the other moving up and down my leg from my knee to the top of my thigh repeatedly. His thumb sneaks under one of the legs of my spandex, the finger brushing back and forth for a moment before he pulls it back out and continues his previous movements. I shift slightly in his lap, the feeling of his skin on mine making it hard to keep completely still. If he notices my maneuvering he doesn’t acknowledge it, the phone shining against his face taking all the attention off me.

He looks frustrated with whoever it is he’s talking to, throwing the phone down on the seat roughly. He sighs deeply, running a hand through his locks. I use my thumb to wipe away the crease in his brow. He looks at me fully, grabbing my hand and holding it against his mouth in a kiss. I feel the displeasure radiating off his body in waves.

“What’s wrong?” I ask curiously. He shakes his head, grabbing his phone again and gripping it tightly. His jaw ticks in vexation, the blonde’s short temper with whoever was on the other end of the device clearly getting the best of him.

“Sorry to cut this short, princess, but I have to go handle something.” He kisses the spot where my necklace sits, skin burning from the contact, before zipping up the jacket to my neck and throwing the hood over my head.

He drops me off back home, handing me the Pandora bag as he helps me out of the car. After pulling me in for a tight hug and kissing me on the top of my head, he got back into the truck reluctantly. I wave as he pulls off into the night, sneaking back into the house the way I escaped.

When I get into my room, I take off the ring and place it into the box it was gifted to me in. I lie down under the warm covers of my bed, playing with the jewelry hanging around my neck with a smile on my face.

“Where’d you get that?” A voice says, the sound capturing my attention.

I look up from my phone to find Pope standing in front of me. I raise my eyebrows at him as he takes a seat across the table. I hadn’t seen him in a couple days and I was surprised he still remembered where he lives, let alone that he has a sister.

“Get what?” I respond, voice monotonous as I look back down at my phone.

“That.” I see him point at the necklace draped around my neck through my peripheral. I reach and to fiddle with the pendant when he points out the ring too. “And that.”

Shit.

I’d been wearing the necklace confidently for the past few days since I got it, able to hide it behind the collar of my uniform during school and under the necklines of hoodies when I was home. My parents hadn’t asked or hadn’t noticed, and Pope hadn’t been home in so long I’d be surprised he remembered what I looked like, let alone notice if I was wearing a new piece of jewelry.

I was dumb enough to let myself forget to hide it, the low neck of my top leaving nothing to hide the necklace from plain sight. I wasn’t planning on my brother so suddenly showing up to the house as he chose to spend most days with his friends at the chateau lately.

“My friend gave it to me.” Is the most vague I can be without blatantly lying to him, something I try not to do when I can help it.

“What friend?”

“You don’t know them that well.” I say trying to brush him off. 

“What’s their name?” He keeps pushing, leaning forward and resting his hands on the table as he stares at the jewelry.

“Don’t worry about it.” I snip at him. He hums, looking into my eyes curiously.

“Is it the same friend that keeps leaving bruises all over you?” I avert my eyes at the question, opting to watch the people walking around outside the Heyward’s where we sit. “So it is.”

I had also clumsily forgotten about the fading bruises Rafe left all over my neck in the car that night. I thought that they had disappeared enough that they’d be undetectable, but my brother was clearly too observant to let it slide.

“What are you talking about, Pope?” I choose to play dumb with him in hopes that it’ll get him off my back for now, but that rarely ever works with him. He knows me too well.

“You don’t think I noticed those bruises on your neck the night I came home? After Midsummers?” He looks severely unamused and my heart is beating against my chest so hard that he might just be able to hear it.

No, I didn’t think he noticed. I should’ve covered them up better.

“I didn’t know it was any of your business.” I say. He scoffs and tilts his head at me as if he can’t believe what he’s just heard.

“I don’t care about your hickies, Neriah, you’re eighteen. But I’m not supposed to say anything when my sister comes home with random bruises on her neck like someone tried to strangle her? Or on her arms and wrists?”

“I don’t ask what you do when you disappear for days at a time, do I?” I’m met with silence. “You have your life, and I have mine.”

“You come home with mysterious bruises, sneak out of the house and don’t come back until its past dark-”

“You literally do the same thing-” He cuts me off just as I did him.

“But I’m not the one trying to hide it, am I?” He shouts, slamming his hand down on the table. “And now you come home with some jewelry I’ve never seen in my life and refuse to tell me who it’s from.”

“It’s none of your business, Pope, just as I keep telling you.” I say, chuckling humorlessly. “I don’t understand why you’re making it such a big deal; it’s just a necklace.”

“A necklace from Rafe Cameron!”

My heart drops into my feet and my stomach begins to churn violently at the mention of the person that gave me the piece of jewelry. My mouth is glued shut for a moment, my brother and I staring each other down outside of our parents’ shop. I leave my face blank so as not to expose myself, but I already feel far too exposed. I lick my lips and squint at him slightly.

How did he know? It’s Rafe’s fucking initials, of course he would know.

“You’re being ridiculous.” I laugh dryly as he stares at me frustratedly. “How did you even come to that conclusion?”

I contemplate completely denying his accusation, but decide not confirming it is the better choice. If I lied to him and he found out about it, not only would he have my head and likely never trust me again, but he would surely tell his friends as well. Having Pope on my case is punishment enough.

“You went to Midsummers with him-”

“Not by choice, you know that.” I say cutting him off.

“You went to Midsummers with him, you sneak off with him in his truck, which I have to find out through people in the neighborhood sending me pictures of you talking to him not even twenty feet away from the store.”

“I’m not allowed to talk to people just ‘cause you don’t like them?” He gapes at me in disbelief.

“He jumped me, Neriah!”

“Yeah, Pope, I know. I was there both times.” I look at him incredulously, setting my phone down on the table. “Need I remind you I was the one that saved your ass?”

“So you should understand why I’m pissed.” He says and I nod at him.

“I understand, I just don’t really care because what I do has nothing to do with you.”

“It has everything to do with me!” He bangs on the table with his closed fist angrily.

“No, it doesn’t.” I reply flatly. “Just like how everything you do in your free time has nothing to do with me, what I do has nothing to do with you. I’m not understanding what you don’t get!”

“I’m just supposed to let my sister walk around with that motherfucker’s name on her neck after he punked me?” He asks vexedly. “That in itself is him punking me again, and you’re letting him do it.”

“I’m not letting him do anything!” I raise my voice at him.

“So what do you call it?” He crosses his arms with a face painted in irritation. 

“I call it wearing a necklace that was gifted to me.” I say flatly once again.

“Oh, that's all?” His tone is smart and I roll my eyes at him. “It doesn’t mean anything else?”

“Pope, how do I put this…” I trail off, thinking about my words carefully. “You never take into consideration how your family feels when you disappear without a word for days, or how our parents feel when you throw away opportunities that will greatly impact your future to go be a criminal with your friends. You are clearly willing to ruin your relationship with us for them, so why would I care about you being a little pissy because I’m talking to someone you don’t like?”

He doesn’t answer my question but I can feel the rage radiating off his body across the table. I feel like I’m about to cry but I don’t let it show, opting to mirror his look of anger.

“He’s not a good person, Neriah. He’s a thief and a murderer.” Pope forces the words out of his mouth, teeth grinding down on each one. “He’s already hurt you, what’s to say he won’t do it again? I thought you were smarter than this?”

“He’s not a murderer, and what constitutes a ‘good person’ is subjective.” I say firmly. “Whatever happens between me and him is our business, unless otherwise stated. And I’m not stupid, I know what I’m doing and I really don’t need your input on my decision making.”

“He killed Peterkin, Neriah!” Our argument is beginning to draw attention to us, the people walking by turning their heads to watch us in curiosity. “He steals from our family and kills people to get his way; he’s dangerous and you shouldn’t be around him.”

“You literally watched his dad confess to the murder and then blow himself up his boat. Like, front row seats. Yet you still try to find a way to blame Rafe for it.” I stare at him in bewilderment. “And he has never stolen anything from our family, unless you’re withholding information from me?”

“His dad stole the gold from the Royal Merchant, Neriah. Gold that Denmark Tanny left for us.” I look at him, absolutely puzzled. 

“That ship John B’s dad was looking for? Denmark Tanny? As the owner of Tannyhill?” He nods. “What does Denmark Tanny have to do with us? Or that ship; what are you talking about?”

“God, there’s so much you don’t know.” He says running his hands over his face. “Denmark is our ancestor, Riah. He hid the gold he took from the Royal Merchant for his son to find but he never found it. Then we found it! But Ward stole it from the well before we got a chance to do it first. That was our gold, Neriah, and he took it from us.”

“What?” Is all I can muster up.

This conversation has taken a turn I wasn’t expecting.

“When I went down to Charleston I was basically kidnapped by this crazy white lady and her ancestor was the captain of the ship that Denmark Tanny was on, She was talking to me about some key and I didn’t know what she was talking about so I asked Heyward, and he told to ask Mee-maw. Mee-maw said that the key was his and that we’re related to him-”

“Pope, please stop.” I say. His talking halts abruptly at my request and he looks more confused than I do. “This sounds like a really cool story, really. But, and I don’t mean this to offend you, you sound like a crazy person.”

“It’s true! You can ask Mee-maw or dad!” 

“Pope, I’m not saying I don’t believe you, because I do. I’m saying that you sound kinda insane right now and you need to calm down.” I exhale deeply as I think about my next words. “Even if all that is true, and I’m not saying it isn’t, that has nothing to do with Rafe. His father’s actions are not his, and Ward is dead now.”

“You aren’t understanding me, Neriah…” He says. I shake my head, phone buzzing on the table. The screen lights up with a text from Rafe and my brother makes a sound of disapproval when he sees the name. “Is that your boyfriend?”

“Listen, Ward is dead. John B is back and out of jail, and you guys are free to do whatever it is you wanna do. Go enjoy that! Rafe is the absolute least of your problems right now.” 

“How is he the least of my problems when he’s basically branded you?” He says. My jaw drops, my face covered in bewilderment at his choice of language.

“Excuse me?” I finally closed my mouth after a few seconds of staring at him in shock. “What the fuck did you just say? Branded me… What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“You don’t even see it do you?” He continues, not even caring that he’s offended me in the slightest. “Why do you think he has you walking around town with his name on your neck? Do you think it was just a thoughtful little gift?”

“Pope, you need to stop talking.” My voice is dangerously calm. There’s a long list of nasty things sitting heavily on the tip of my tongue but I swallow them down, preferring to end the conversation before it gets any worse.

‘Branded me,’ he says. What the hell is he talking about? It’s a necklace with random letters on it that nobody will give a second glance to. He’s acting like I have Rafe Cameron’s Bitch tattooed across my forehead, like I have a hot iron mark of his name burned into the spot where the necklace sits.

I feel offended that my brother thinks I lack autonomy, like I can’t take off this necklace if I want to. I wear it because I can, not because I have to. Rafe doesn’t own me or make me do anything I don’t want to, and it rubs me terribly wrong for Pope to say something like that as if it wasn’t up to me to wear the damn thing. It only makes me more angry for him to think that anything I do with Rafe has some kind of hidden agenda.

I like Rafe, so I’m wearing his necklace. I shouldn’t have to face interrogation and be called a piece of property in so many words just because he doesn’t like it.

My phone buzzes on the table again, this time a call instead of a text. Before I can reach for the phone, Pope staches it up from the wooden surface. He swipes right and accepts the call. I jump out of my seat as well, moving to take the phone away from my manic brother.

“Stay away from my sister, you piece of shit!” Pope yells into the microphone.

“Pope, stop! Give me my phone!” I reach for the device in his hand and am met with a stiff arm to the chest.

I think I hear Rafe say something of a ‘hello’ to my brother, which only seems to vex him more.

“Fuck you, bitch.” Pope spits at the boy over the phone. “Are you trying to mess with me? You’re using my sister to-”

“Nobody is using me, Pope.” The boy ignores me, pushing me away again when I reach for the phone.

I don’t know what Rafe says this time, but it sends Pope into a rage. He says nothing for a moment, staring blankly at the large Heyward’s sign as his chest heaves. His eyes cut to me and if he weren’t my brother I’d flinch from being at the receiving end of the look I’m given.

“I’ll fucking kill you, Rafe Cameron.” He says lowly and my eyes widen a bit. “Dead under water just like your daddy.”

“Okay, Pope, you’re done.” He doesn’t resist when I snatch the phone out of his hand. “You need to calm down because you’ve really lost your mind.”

“Yeah, Pope, go calm down.” Rafe says loudly. I almost hung up on him for that but restrained myself.

“And you shut the hell up.” I tell Rafe, bringing the phone to my ear. “Don’t provoke my brother, you’re already on thin ice.” He chuckles lightly in my ear, the sound only annoying me further.

“He’s the one that provoked me.”

“I don’t care, Rafe. Don’t do it.” Pope watches me carefully, silently seething as he listens to my conversation.

“Sorry, princess.” He says still chuckling. 

“What do you want?” I say shortly. I wave my brother away and he rolls his eyes, storming off down the street. I watch as he picks up a rock and throws it at an unsuspecting garbage can.

“Do you wanna go to the mainland with me this weekend?”

“Oh you’ve lost it too, I see.” I almost laugh at his question.

“What do you mean?” He sounds genuinely confused and I actually do let out a sharp laugh.

“What do I mean?” I say. “My parents don’t even know we’re together and you think they’d let me go to the mainland with you? You’ve really lost your mind.”

“Well you don’t have to tell them.” He suggests and I laugh again. “What’s funny?”

“You! You’re very funny.” My laughter dies down after a few seconds of silence on the other end. “Go to the mainland for what, Rafe?”

“I don’t know, I just think it would be fun.” He says, humming. “I can show you around Charlotte, or Chapel Hill. We have property up there, Y’know.”

“I’ve been to both of those places before, Rafe. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” I’ve spent plenty of weekends in Charlotte with Londyn and visits with extended family. I visited Chapel Hill early in the summer for a college tour as well, it was my dream school.

“Well, you haven't been there with me.” He states matter-of-factly and I feel like he can hear me roll my eyes over the phone. “Please, princess? It’ll be fun, I promise.”

As much as I like him, going out of town with him is absolutely off the table. There was no wasn’t a lie in the world I could tell my parents that would convince them to let me go, and the truth would have them locking me up in my like Rapunzel.

“What am I supposed to tell my parents?”

“You can figure it out, can’t you?” He hums. “Have they asked about the necklace?”

“No, they haven’t but I think they’re too preoccupied with Pope and the shop to even notice.” I sigh, sitting back down at the table I was at previously. “Pope did, but I’m pretty sure he figured it out on his own before I even said anything.”

“Pope knows about us?”

“Well I didn’t outright confirm it, but yes, he knows.” I say. “So, if my parents ask, I’m not lying to them about us. They’re mildly wary about you but my dad kinda liked yours before everything went down. As long as you don’t do anything stupid, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Are you saying we don’t have to sneak around?”

“I’m not saying we should be flaunting each other, if that’s what you’re asking.” I clarify. “My parents may not hate you but Londyn will have my head if she has to find out through someone that isn’t me.”

My dear friend would have a heart attack if she found out what I’ve been up to. I’ve been pushing off telling her for a while, one-hundred percent sure she’d be anything but happy about my decision. If anything, she would think I’ve been brainwashed and tell her parents about the Midsummers incident, the stalking, and the phone calls. I definitely couldn’t tell her the means of how I ended up giving him the time of day either.

‘He shoved me into the back of his truck after chasing me through a dark parking lot’ doesn’t sound like something a sane person would say when telling their best friend how they ended up with their boyfriend.

“Who cares what she thinks?” He scoffs from behind the phone.

“I care.” I say flatly. “I’ll let you know about the mainland thing later, okay?”

I was already set in my answer of no, but I know he won’t accept that. He was used to getting what he wanted, and I’m what he wants. Hearing ‘no’ is something that isn’t normal for him to hear when most kook girls throw themselves at the richest boy on the island. He knew I wasn’t one to give in to whatever he wants immediately, but he still tests his luck in hopes that maybe I will someday.

I hear him chuckle quietly over the speaker at my words.

“You know I won’t take no as an answer, right?” He only proves my point and I roll my eyes.

“Rafe, you’ll take whatever answer I give you.” I tell him annoyedly. 

I end the call abruptly, setting the phone face down on the table and exhaling loudly through my nose. The device vibrates again and I lazily grab it, one-hundred percent sure of who the sender is without looking.

RC: I’ll see you soon. Be ready.

[super-hero-confessions]

"If Clark was a good friend he wouldn't have gaslit Lex when he was institutionalized and made him think he was crazy because he had seen Clark use his powers."

Cool. When did he do this? Exactly?

Oh! Did you mean the episode when Clark was panicking after being seen saving Lex's life and fighting with his parents about saving Lex again cause he wanted to but didn't know what to do or how because of Lionel and his parents and was mostly just stunned and unsure because everyone was screaming at him like he's supposed to have all the answers or is some kind of evil mastermind instead of a kid running around like a chicken with his head cut off?

Great! Alright let's set the record straight.

So this is called a bad faith argument because it's not based on anything truthful or real that happened. It's based on a strawman or fundamentally built on a disingenuous rejection of context and reality.

The people that keep doing this are as gross and toxic as the adults in Clark's life that left him so confused and unsure enough where no matter what actions he took or didn't take everyone guilt tripped him for things he could not control and tried to control him because of what he could do.

Lex's embrace of his darkness had nothing to do with Clark anyway! He fully embraced his darkness and obsession with control after Lexmas. Remember when he saw Lana die and couldn't do shit about it? Yeah that. You don't see people blaming her for something she had no control over although I wouldn't be surprised if they did!

Otherwise Lex was about as toxic about Clark's secret as Lana and Chloe and anyone else who was fricking weird about it! He was way too forgiving with Lana who constantly blamed him for shit he couldn't control but he even got rightfully mad at Chloe for going behind his back and investigating him. He then forgave her because she had enough sense to grow out of that gross entitlement and listen to him and keep her promise instead of breaking it repeatedly and hoping Clark would forgive her.

You know it's interesting that Chloe and Lana don't get brought up considering both ended up in similar situations where Clark actually did choose to remove his secret from their memories.

Huh.

Maybe it's because then people would have to acknowledge his personal trauma when it comes to people knowing his secret and all the danger people who know it face and all the guilt he feels because of it. Or that he's a person who has every right to make boundaries and choose who he decides to let in and how far.

Clark did way more for his friends than most people could ever ask for but somehow it wasn't enough? Giving "how dare he not be perfect and wait on this specific person hand and foot as a personal servant hmph" level of narcissistic entitlement vibes.

The actions that people take are no ones but their own. To blame another person for your own actions is projection and gaslighting. It is textbook abusive behavior so there's a little psychology lesson. Whether they wronged you or not they cannot control what you choose to do in response and that is a fact of life. With exception to mental incapability that is what holds up in court because that is how the law is applied fairly without bias. Context may change what charges are placed but will not negate personal accountability.

The fact that people keep maliciously spreading and trying to normalize this level of abuse and toxicity and false narrative that a child struggling to understand his own place in the world could somehow be held responsible for the actions of the adults and other adjacent adults in his life and life of others is disgusting.

This is justification of abuse and boundary violation and stalking. This is DARVO.

Knock it off.

The only person responsible for Lex's actions at the end of the day is Lex.

He is responsible for his own becoming a villain. That is his. He owns it. No one else.

Not Clark. Not Lana. Not even Lionel after a certain point maybe with exception to making the argument that Lex is legitimately criminally insane. In which case he then should be properly hospitalized for proper treatment as he is without control and danger to both himself and others.

Otherwise? It's just Lex.

Now go listen to Like a Villain by Bad Omens because that's his theme song and enough with this bullshit

[danggirlronpa]

If it's not too much trouble, do you have headcanons for Kotoko/Monaka? I like to imagine post-canon they work out their issues with each other and get to a much healthier place, like, when they're teenagers. I related a lot to Kokoto's toxic relationship with Monaka, I definitely had relationships like that when I was in elementary school too. It's kind of nice to imagine a world where - whether romantically or platonically - they work out their issues and work out, even if that might not be exactly realistic, aha...

Oh MAN do I have post-canon Warriors of Hope headcanons. I really do love imagining these kids and the lives they lead when they come of age.

I try not to use read mores, but this one got way longer than the usual headcanon posts, and it very much is less "Kotoko/Monaca headcanons" and more "elaborate set-up for how Kotoko and Monaca feel about their crimes as teenagers." So more under the cut I guess!

Firstly, some setup. I love adoptive family relationships, and especially mother/child adoptive relationships. So of course I love daydreaming about Aoi "Bleeding Heart" Asahina adopting Kotoko, and it becoming a Kyoko (or Miaya!)/Hina-parenting-Kotoko, friends-to-moms slowburn. SOMEONE'S adopting these children, and it's not Komaru "I Just Spent A Full Year In Solitary Isolation (:" or the "We Taser Ourselves To Decide Whether The Serial Killer Fronts (:" Fukawas. Hina's upbeat, she keeps it light, and unlike Makoto "Spotless" Naegi, she understands the guilt of attempting/committing mass murder. Kyoko isn't quite any of that but deep in my heart. Through The Power Of Love And Elaborate Metaphors About Her Relationship To Her Father

And I mean. I'm going to be honest. Monaca's, like, 10. She spends three days in space before she goes 1. Wow this sucks 2. I did not in fact prepare enough materials to live like this indefinitely. I'm like 10. I packed enough for about 13 hours and thought I was good Forever. I need more marshmallows.

So it takes Monaca all of half a week to admit her failures and crash land somewhere on earth. The island with the Remnants? Misaki and Takumi? In-universe versions of the V3 students as adults? Personally I'm a fan of Yasuhiro and Kanon adopting her in the world's absolute weirdest fantasy. What matters is SOMEONE finds her. And we get Mod Loves Sappy Adoptive Relationships V2: Now With The Green One.

Because listen. Listen. These are kids. They have committed heinous, unforgivable crimes of extreme ethical concern, and they are also ten years old. Their only frame of ethical reference is a manipulator and abuser so good at what she does that she ended the world. People generally remember this with the other Warriors, but they almost always set it aside for Monaca, so I want to be clear: Monaca Towa is redeemable. Because she was 10 years old, and the moment she was out from under the thumb of the people who taught her how to do these cruel and unusual things, her first plan was Run Away To Space To Escape The Things That Have Happened Here. They're children.

THAT MEANS A LOT OF GUILT. NO ONE HAS EVER NOT BECOME A PUDDLE OF REGRET ABOUT SOMETHING THEY DID IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

In general, I actually think Kotoko struggles with guilt the least amongst the Warriors. Firstly, I think having a parent who understands and can help her come to grips with what she's done from a very personal place really helps her work through it. But I also think Kotoko is low-empathy in general. I think eventually, she comes to understand intellectually what she's done wrong, but I don't think she ever struggles with the idea that she shouldn't have done it. I think she would be very practical about the circumstances that she was in, and in her mind, well. What else was she supposed to do? She'd been abused all her life. She was up against Junko Enoshima. Obviously what she did was wrong, but any other kid in that situation would've, in Kotoko's mind, done the same.

On the other hand, I believe Monaca would get hit with guilt very intensely once she finally processed everything she'd been through at high-school age, but that she would absolutely keep that under wraps and act as though it was meaningless to her.

Monaca is, in my opinion, a compulsive liar. You can see that in a lot of canonical ways, but I choose to extend it a bit to headcanons - it's not that she Doesn't need a wheelchair, it's that she has days when she needs it and days when she doesn't, and pretending she never needed it at all gives people a huge shock. She didn't plan to not kill herself with the rest of the Warriors as a prank; she really planned to do it, but people look at her when she says that. It's a defensive mechanism, and a method of feeling in control. At least I can choose for them to hate me by lying and being terrible, instead of being hated when I haven't done anything.

So I think, when she is finally faced with the enormity of what she has done, Monaca does what her first instinct is always to do: runs away from it and lies herself into culpability. Of course I killed all those terrible adults, and now that I'm almost their age, I'll just die instead of becoming one of them! That sort of thing. I think she traps herself into her own persona, no matter how hard she tries to improve, because Monaca is a child who internalizes until she breaks.

So when Kotoko and Monaca meet coincidentally at high-school age. Ho boy. Kotoko who still sort-of blames Monaca who blames herself, and neither of them completely aware of how to comfort a person or how to hate a person in a way that isn't lethal...oh the GROWTH. The Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter of it all

[the-white-soul]

Chara and Noelle

*In her room, she heard a quiet noise.*

(Noelle) "Okay, who heard my story this time. If it's Flowey again I swear to..."

(Chara) "You're half correct. *Came out of their hiding place under some books.* I was hoping you wouldn't see me."

(Noelle) "Luckily, you already know who I am. I at least assume you knew that secret."

(Chara) "Oh, I knew. This isn't my first time eavesdropping on you. I don't usually want you to know for obvious reasons."

(Noelle) "Why haven't you told anyone?"

(Chara) "You don't get it, do you? If I wanted, I could murder you right now and just laugh at what others have to say."

(Noelle) "No, you couldn't."

(Chara) "Alright fine, then I could kill some other random person. But do you really believe that would be fun? I want to have Kara have a relationship with you. I want you two to be lovebirds and right at the moment you two confess your love for each other, tell Kara the truth, and kill you. Isn't that more fun?"

(Noelle) "JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! *Throws a knife at Chara barely missing them.*"

(Chara) "Wow, that wasn't nice now was it?"

(Noelle) "That wasn't because of me, it was because of this body."

(Chara) "Isn't it terrible? To be put in a situation where you lose what makes you, you? People will hate you for what you've done now even when you feel tempted to be awful. To feel more hate and anger than ever before. Doesn't it feel..."

(Noelle) "I get it! Do you have to spell it out?"

(Chara) "Then forgive me."

(Noelle) "What?"

(Chara) "After all, I was a nice kid before this. I loved my family and my friends so much. I was abused to the point most would break after one year but I took it out for 12. So forgive me for how I am now as a flower. You more than anyone else should know it's not my fault anymore. How will Kara ever forgive you if you don't forgive me?"

(Noelle) "No, I refuse! I can't forgive you."

(Chara) "You do realize I can't control this, right? You can control it a lot better than I can. Emotions that is. So I'll ask you one final time. Will you forgive me?"

(Noelle) "I... *Her palms sweat an ocean. Her eyes burst with tears after realizing the gravity behind Chara's words. She could only say three words. I... don't... know."

(Chara) "Remember that next time I do something bad. Who knows, maybe Kara will forgive you too."

[madreemeritus]

(tw: r@pe, SA, drug abuse, trauma, ptsd)

"Poison" videoclip is so uncomfortable to watch because it represents all the inner struggles Angel Dust suffers with because of his abuse. He's constantly saying that he masks what he really is feeling and dissociates with reality, an attempt to make the horror he suffers less painful. The "dance" scene is the perfect example, Angel is only dancing in his mind, because in reality he's performing a BDSM film where his body is being forced to uncomfortable, painful positions. He's out of breath and even punches the ground with his hand while the scene is happening, anything to try to make the situation less painful. And by what we see during E6, Valentino says he would make Angel pay for his "behaviour" in the studio, which makes me think if Valentino proposely tells the actors to hurt Angel. It's really disgusting 😢

But in reality, he's selfless and cares more about his friends than his own safety, he has no hope to get free of Valentino's prison and this is why he seems to not care anymore either he suffers or not ("everynight I'm living like there's no tomorrow"). His self destructive behaviour (drugs, alcohol and how he gives himself to almost every man he sees even if this man has malicious intentions) isn't only about escaping reality, but also his attempt to look less "desirable" for Valentino. Many SA survivors tend to blame themselfs for their abuse, specially when it comes to their appearance. But SA isn't about beauty or desire, it's about power. It's about the victim feeling weak and the abuser feeling powerful. It is never, EVER, the victim's fault, no matter how you dress, look, talk or walk. The abuser is to blame, for everything.

Anthony (Angel) masks his feelings and acts as a hypersexual version of himself, to feel less miserable. No one takes him seriously either way, when Charlie says that he was supporting the Hotel project, everyone laughs and mocks him, "oh the porn star is supporting your project? what a joke". This happened BOTH in Hell and Heaven. The industry, Angel's clients when he's working on the streets, the Overloards AND the angels, all of them treat Angel as an object, a sex toy, and not as a person (spider?) with feelings and a life. His only choice is to embrace the image that was built for him.

Aaah so much thoughts and feelings, Angel/Anthony is my favorite Hazbin Hotel character and I could talk about him all day. He's way more complex than what some people in the fandom give him credit for.

[tabbyrocks]

odd mha ships i dont like and why

dabihawks/ hotwings

they hate eachother. dabi tried to kill him, and theres just literally no chemistry between them. if they ever DID get into a realationship it would be horribly unhealthy. also i think dabi is too obsessed with his dad to want a relationship. (hawks idolizing his abuser does not help)

endevorhawks

absolutely not. this is basically a proship due to the 20-30 year age gap and it being abuser x abused. if you like this i hope you get hit by a fucking car you nasty freak.

twicehawks

didn't realize this was a ship untill recently. gross. sure, they were buddy buddy but ONLY because hawks was trying to get info out of him. hawks liked him as a person / thought he was better then the rest of the villans but twice was set in his ways, so it would never work. also hawks like actually killed him.

bakudeku

literally VOMITS oh my god i hate bakudeku. bakugo is horribly written and the ship itself is so unrealistic. bakugo bullied and abused izuku for 10 YEARS STRAIGHT. TEN YEARS. even with bakugo's "character development" its still really bad. the closest i can see them being is pals.

monobaku

i think this might actually be worse then bakudeku on a logistic level. they both DESPISE eachother. bakugo canonly thinks he's the spawn of Satan. please just let enemies be enemies dear lord.

kiribaku

as much as i hate any sort of ship with bakugo involved this might be the most tame one on this list. i just don't like it. bakugo is overly mean to ALL of his friends and they really only have a strong mutual respect for eachother. also he uses him as a human punching bag just because he can harden. keep your hands to yourself bakugo jesus christ,,

todobaku

this one just makes me sad. bakugo doesn't want a single thing to do with todoroki but todoroki is like so heavily autistic that HE GENUENLY THINKS THEY ARE FRIENDS???? like it hurts me to my core please stop talking to bakugo todoroki im begging.

monoma x tamaki (i dont know the shipname for this and i dont care enough to find out)

I can't believe i even have to mention this one but i had a very interesting situation back when i was active on twitter where ALL of my mutuals thought that this shit was morally okay and i had to block all of them. thats a minor x an adult. i thought we established that freshman x seniors is fucking gross what is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. "oh but its only a two year age gap-" WRONG!!! its a 2 and a half year age gap. people seem to forget that teenage brains develop really fucking fast that even though the age gap is only 2 and a half years the MATURITY GAP IS HUGE. also, normal fucking 18+ yr olds DO NOT like dating people under 17 (some of them ive talked to, like my brother, said that even 17 is iffy and heavily depends on how mature they are). also, if we completely ignore the age + maturity gap, their personalities clash. tamaki would probably be fucking bat shit terrified of monoma due to how eccentric he is. also they havn't interacted in canon ONCE. this one is also basically a proship.

Bonus:

togachako

I used to hate this ship because i thought it would just be super toxic, but the recent chapters of the manga really won me over. its just the build up to that point was honestly ass, like we went from 20% to 100% WAY too fast.

[muffinninjafairy]

Life Update

Oh my goodness, to be quiet frank I have no idea when was the last time I have actually sat down and made a text post. I one day was going through my archives and everything that was going on in my personal life from over a decade ago and never really spoke about what happened to me from then to now... so I guess I will.

I've personally have been more active socially on discord, and more so been using my socials as platforms for my work, but I also remembered , this is my blog so I'm gonna blog. I have no clue how many people from all those years ago are still on here but if you are, I hope all is well.

TIME CAPSULE TIME~ (These are all summaries of the time minimizing details because of personal reasons) I guess I would say my activity started to become less and less as of like 2015 - 2016, Like I was on here, but mostly reblogging and running off. To put it in the frankest of terms, I was having a sever mental episodes during that time frame. With a lot of personal situations happening with my family and not being in a healthy environment to properly regulate my emotions nor the proper support system to help me with what I was going through.

On July 11th 2015 I was admitted to the hospital for a mental breakdown that caused me to be taken away via ambulance. There I was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 1 (manic depressive episodes) . The health care system where I came from was not at all great, my phycologist over medicated me to the point where I would have black out spells and seizers (then given medication for those seizers) . My family still then refused to support me and so I clung to what ever I could for validation. As a result of this I tried to become hyper independent.

Months after being released from the hospital I moved out of my house and with an old high school buddy and their partner. Then after I entered a long distance relationship. Which in toe turned very toxic very fast. But being blinded by my BPD, I stuck with it for 2.5 years.

In February of the next year I was kicked out of my roommates apartment because of my job being closed down and had no income. So I was forced to move back home with my father. In those years from 2016 - 2018 felt like my absolute rock bottom, I would have extended periods of time where I never left the house and hid in my room. In fear of the world around me. My relationship was not helping if not hurting me more and more. They did not care about me or what was going on, only what they wanted out of the relationship. My father was becoming more and more verbally abusive and felt that I deserved nothing. I did have a new job then too but it was a dead end job and was paying very little (8.25$ an hour when I left I was being paid 10$ an hour)

2018 comes around, this is where I feel things starting to change, I met my DnD Group (March 2018) at this time but because of the toxicity of my ex, they left me because I would no longer isolate myself and wanted friends. (May 2018) Time goes by, me and the DM of the DnD start becoming closer and start our relationship in Sept. 21, 2018.

2019 Comes by and I get hit with reality, I need help. My episodes were coming back and I was hurting those around me, So finally I pulled my boot straps and looked for professional help. Once I found the therapist for me, I started to improve, my relationship with my partner and my friends increased in strength. I was still having problems at home with my family, but came to the realization that if they didn't want to be part of my healing journey then they didn't need to.

2020 is here and me and my partner are becoming serious, to the point of planning our future together. we scrounged and saved until the end of the year where we finally had enough to move in together in a new state. I quit my dead end job, and sent my stuff across country.

In Febuary of 2021 I finally said goodbye to my home and my partner and I moved to their grandmothers home temporarily until we secured an apartment. Once we did we collected everything and with the moving truck we drove to our new home.

we have been here ever since and I could not be happier. I have had a stable job for 2 years now, I've also been promoted within the company, I can actually go out now with out having an anxiety attack, I have friends both online and IRL, I have been in a 5 year relationship and still striving for the future. I can finally be myself without having to hide away in a room for years. I can actually be independent. It took some time but I feel much more mentally healthy.

Long Story Short: For a very long time I was stunted by my environment and did not have tools properly to grow until one day I was allowed to. Now I'm doing much more positive things for myself and receiving the support I needed. I am loved and cared for. Life can get better. I am doing a lot better.

I honestly do not know how many people are still here that knew me during this time period . But I am alive, healthy, and being the best I can be.

I also don't know why I felt the need to explain my life, I guess reflecting from then to now. I guess I wanted to share my progression cause I am proud of who I am now. And if throwing it into this void and someone sees this. Hope this lets you know that things can get better.

Love you cuties Shaylee

[lampmanliveblogs]

”Actually, the Titan’s skull is normal. Everything else is… wrong.”

That’s a brief, if not very descriptive summation of the current situation. It looks like someone threw the Teletubbies and every Kirby game into a blender and spilled the smoothie over a box of halloween decorations.

I feel I should probably talk a little bit about the scene just before this…

The Witch Kids were, naturally, elated to be back home, with Willow & Gus goofing off for a bit. Hunter looks on fondly… until he hears a bird’s song and catches a glimpse of a red bird. He snaps at Willow & Gus, telling them that they don’t have time for this, they need to find Belos.

Willow & Gus share this look, and I think they both realize the same thing. Namely, that Hunter just went through a very traumatic experience, including his best friend and familiar dying. Dying by his own hand, forced as it may have been by the monster that has abused him since childhood. Also, the whole grimwalker thing.

I would not surprise me if Hunter ends up becoming obsessed with hunting Belos down and putting him down for good as vengeance, not just for the pain he himself has had to endure, but for taking the life of Flapjack as well. And that obsession might cause him to lash out towards his friends and family, and cause some conflict.

That thing atop the Titan’s skull Willow, is The Collector’s new house where he will live with King and where they can be best friends forever and ever.

Now, what to call it… It looks a bit like a crown, or maybe a tiara. I kinda like the sound of ”Tiara Halls” as a name. It has a nice palace-y vibe to it. I think I’m gonna call it that from now on.

Luz has still not changed her mind. Not that I expected her to, it’s been like fifteen minutes in-universe time. She’ll come around eventually. I hope.

Oh, and kudos to Luz for figuring out so quickly that Camila figured out her intentions. Well, Camila didn’t so much figure them out as she heard Luz herself explain them, but still. Luz has historically not always been the best at picking up on details like that.

As for Camila… she’s trying, but she obviously just don’t know what to say. She can see that her daughter is making a mistake, but she doesn’t know how to tell her that. She tries to be supportive and talk about how nice the Demon Realm is, but that falls pretty flat. as she finds herself in a scary land, filled with ghosts and dangerous things, and monsters running around.

And to be fair, it’s not like Luz was always super-pumped about the Demon Realm either. I seem to recall that her reaction back in season one, episode one was ”Oh jeez, getting transported into a magical land was actually super scary! Weird witch lady, please bring me home!”

Then she made friends with King and Eda, and the prisoners at the Conformitorium. And in the end she decided that she wanted to stay in the Demon Realm to learn magic. My point is, it wasn’t love at first sight for Luz when it came to the Demon Realm, so we shouldn’t expect it to be so for Camila either. I’m sure that once she sees how happy this world and its people makes her daughter, she’ll grow more fond of it.

Oh, and sidenote: I mentioned in the last episode that Luz had what I thought might be a book on taxidermying. Turns out I was right, as Camila confirms that Luz has (or had) a taxidermy hobby. So yay, go me! I got it right!

(future Lampman here: something I only recently remembered: back in Yesterday’s Lie, Camila made Luz promise that she’d stay in the Human Realm once she made it back. I talk a little bit more about this later)

Hunter: ”Oh come on, It’s not like a swarm of ghosts will inexplicably appear if you say his name. I think.”

The Ghost of Caleb Wittebane about to do the funniest thing: ”Wanna bet?”

So the question is, is that a real ghost? We’ve heard references to ghosts and spirits before, but I don’t think those were ever implied to be the vengeful souls of the dead.

Another, perhaps more likely explanation is that Philip hallucinating. Like I said last episode, towards the end there, it really did seem like he wasn’t even sure when he was, much less where he was or who he was talking to. It really did seem to me like he was reciting an old conversation, from that fateful day he took his brother’s life. Of course, the lifeless body of Caleb and the bloodied knife would be on his mind. And, well… Philip wasn’t exactly the most sane person there ever was to begin with, and that was before he was turned into gloop.

Looking at this apparition (blurry as it may be), I immediately notice the knife Philip used to take Caleb’s life hanging above the dead brother’s head like some Sword of Damocles that already fell. It’s stained red with blood, which is pretty intense imagery for a kid’s show from Disney. I also notice a tear in Caleb’s shirt, from where Philip would have stabbed him, I presume.

Something that’s kinda interesting though is how unhealthy he looks. His cheeks are sunken in, and his eyes have large dark bags beneath them. He looks malnourished. Which… is not how I recall him looking in the paintings in Philip’s mind back in Hollow Mind.

It’s… still not entirely clear whether this is a ghost or just a figment of Philip’s imagination. Ghost!Caleb doesn’t say anything, only looks on with what almost looks like disappointment or possible disdain at how pathetic Philip has become.

Granted, these dead looks seem to mean something to Philip. He thinks Ghost!Caleb is mocking him and lashes out. Of course, his strikes pass through the apparition and he collapses on the ground as his body continues to decompose. He drags himself away, muttering that he needs another body as the camera pans upwards towards Tiara Halls.

Philip says he was only trying to save Caleb’s soul and that this is all his fault. I do wonder… I wonder if Philip genuinely blames  Caleb for, well… all of this. Or if this is some part of his broken mind trying to justify his actions to himself and push away the guilt. Maybe it’s a bit of both.

[lost-technology]

Found another person blocking my blog, but this time I know why. I tried to dry-reblog some thoughtful commentary from them as an experiment, not knowing if they knew or cared about this blog connected to my wider Internet name, but apparently they do. You see, (name un-disclosed) was a person I knew in the old guard fandom about 20 years ago and had a lot of fighting with. It was basically a situation where a toxic former friend drew me into fighting with this entire group of friends and my stupid shenanigans landed me on Fandom Wank, where this person was among one of the main posters. (Hypocritical cyberbulling place if you ask me, but whatever). It confirms that they remember me and aren't willing to forgive. It's okay. It's not like I wanted friendship with them, I just thought they had an insightful post and was just curious. I mean, I actually had found out their tumblr handle from seeing them around Ao3 again (resurrected fan), but hadn't looked it up and didn't block it. The fact that they preemptively blocked me - went through that trouble tells me all I need to know about held grudges and now they are blocked from my main just for the sake of me not seeing their posts and forgetting / accidentally trying to reblog them. (Nothing personal, just respecting their apparent want of no contact and the works of managing main blogs and side blogs on this site). I feel kind of sad because we won't know how each other have changed. I have quite a bit. I have grown away from Church and have divested myself of past bigotries, for instance. I'll never be able to mea culpa enough for that shit , but I don't think anyone really wants me to - just press on and press forward and don't make a big deal of it. I have gotten a lot of help psychiatrically. I'll always be as bipolar as fuck, that's just my brain, but at least it's managed now, but I understand why people would want to shy away from that, especially if they were former Internet contacts who got the brunt of my moodswings and mayhem before knowledge of the condition and treatment. (I can still be pretty bad now, actually, but I was worse 20 years ago). I don't know. I guess I'm a bit sad because I saw "Oh, person from my past, I wonder what and how they're doing now - hopefully they've had a good life. Hopefully they've had as many positives as I have or more." And of course, there was that hope that they'd forget me entirely because The Bullshit happened 20 years ago and people on the Internet rarely have long memories. There is exactly one person from my Trigun Fandom Past that I would be likely to block on sight if I saw them again, but maybe... not even then. I'd look them over and if I felt like I still couldn't trust contact with them again in any way, perhaps I'd give them an explanation of the mistrust, and it being entirely on my end (not a judgement on the person they've become). I think that will happen now, should That Person ever find me. I guess I can think of it as kind of being like my relationship with my older brother. Growing up there was stuff I don't want to even talk about going on between him and I in terms of him being unstable and abusive. Granted, he and I share a disorder, but it was never an excuse - and yet, last Spring, I got to go back across the country and visit my family. In visiting him in particular, I dragged a cousin along as a "buffer," even though everyone was telling me that he'd mellowed out over the years. Indeed, I saw him and I'm glad I did, because... he has. He has, over the last 20 some odd years become more introspective, reflective and he apologised to me for his past treatment of me. I took it as sincere. He just had a manner to him of This Guy Has Mellowed Out and Made Change. It was nice to see. Running into Ghosts of Fandom Past kind of made me think of that. If we ever did talk to each other, putting aside the past, how much change in each other would we see? I want to know how life's been treating you.

[biracy]

too scared to post this on my own tumblr for fear of Grievous Misinterpretation + you’re one of my smartest mutuals and i want to run it by a smart person first. for context your reblog about thought crime reminded me of this so i’m not just dumping this on you out of the blue! although this isn’t directly related.

anyway - after some observation of these communities and research into these issues, i have come to the conclusion that quite a lot of people who identify as zoophiles and/or MAPs are not actually those things, but people who just have intense and distressing intrusive thoughts. particularly the younger ones. i rarely saw any of them express anything except distress at these thoughts, but they have been pulled into those communities one way or another - someone grooming them into it, or their previous friend groups reacting badly to them confessing their intrusive thoughts and chasing them out, etc. ofc this would happen, because an upset person seeks support, it’s just horribly tragic what they can be manipulated into or accidentally become involved with while seeking that support.

obviously i have done no formal study and have no definite numbers for exactly how many people there could be in this situation. but given the level of distress i would see person after person after person express when discussing their “desires” and “urges”, i think the number must be pretty high. of course, we know intrusive thoughts can be horrific things you as a person want nothing to do with, and that thought crime isn’t real - but it makes sense, i think?

i wish people understood intrusive thoughts better, and i wish people didn’t behave the way that they do about fetishes. not to say that i don’t think it’s morally okay to be a zoo or a MAP, of course! but i feel that the negative reaction to many fetishes + the negative reaction to many intrusive thoughts = people do not seek the support they need, or if they do seek it they aren’t getting the help they need & are punished instead.

i’m rambling. i hope this makes sense. i’m sorry for putting this in your inbox but i’m friends with too many people who will kneejerk accuse me of being these things because i have dared to view them sympathetically :’/ but i genuinely wanted to hear another person’s thoughts on this.

Oh I definitely see where ur coming from yeah! I think this comes down to a variety of different issues let me kinda break down my thoughts:

I DO think a lot of people who identify online as "MAPs" or "zoos" or whatever are people with intrusive thoughts, OCD, DID, etc.. I think a lottttt of the "communities"/"support groups"/etc. formed around these things are mostly people with intrusive thoughts that they don't know to identify as intrusive thoughts. If I'm being honest, both networks seem to end up saying "just because you have these thoughts doesn't mean you'd ever act on them and they don't make you a bad person", which is good, but I do think someone having their intrusive thoughts framed as "this is just the way that you are, you were born to have these Urges" can end up being pretty detrimental in time.

I think it's important to note that I'm really strongly against the what I'll call "paraphilic model of abuse" that a lot of reaction towards "MAP communities", "zoo communities", whatever relies on. We need to understand child abuse and animal abuse through lenses of power (AND work towards deconstructing the systems of power that allow them to happen) instead of just presenting it as "these SICK PEOPLE who have BAD SEX BRAINS were just born to abuse and need to Get Help/Be Arrested/Be Killed". I'm critical towards the idea of "a paraphilia" to begin with, and really just can't ignore that the idea of "non-normative sexuality" has historically and continues to include gay and trans people (the DSM-5 still lists "transvestic disorder" among its eight "paraphilic disorders").

I think I can combine these two points to say: A model of abuse that relies on "paraphilia" as the cause, the idea that some people are just born to be abusers due to some psychiatric or even neurological "defect", and that these people are in some way "deviant from the norm", is a model that not only ignores the systems of power that allow for abuse to happen AND the social settings where these kinds of harassment and abuse are extremely normalized (i.e. therefore not "deviant"), but is one that leaves people with abusive (sexually or otherwise) intrusive thoughts to believe that there is something innately wrong with them that idk, they can either "cure" with whatever Pedophile Conversion Therapy is supposed to be or "solve" by going to prison/being killed, depending on who they're talking to. I think this is an extremely reductive and oftentimes actively harmful model of thinking about abuse, because many, many people who actually abuse children are not "pedophiles" (or "MAPs") in the "psychiatric" sense, many, many people who actually abuse animals are not "zoophiles" in the "psychiatric" sense, and many people who experience thoughts or "urges" relating to these kinds of abuse are not going to be abusers. People understandably get very upset during conversations like this, but I do think it's very important to move past the very surface-level idea that idk, "pedophile bad, pedophile sick" and actually observe what allows child abuse to happen, AND to maybe approach online communities of young people beating themselves up over their intrusive thoughts with more sympathy other than the instinctive knee-jerk "pedophile bad, pedophile sick." I totally understand why ur hesitant to post abt this dw, this is a Really hard conversation to have on here, but I hope my thoughts are clear enough and don't leave any room for "oh so you LITERALLY support the BAD THING? We should kill everyone who literally supports the bad thing" bad-faith readings

[violentviolette]

Jack I have a question. Is this healthy or no?

So i am a very conflict avoidant person, but also an emotional bitch about everything all the time. I have over time learned to separate my emotions from logic though, and give space to both of them. The way I do this is that if someone upsets me but it’s not a genuine issue that needs communication on, I will tell them they’re okay/i’m okay, and then will vent the emotions elsewhere where they can’t see.

What I tell them is not a lie. I usually am not actually angry or whatever, but I have to give voice to my irrational emotions somewhere or it sticks in the back of my throat for the rest of the day/night/week/month (that’s not an exaggeration)

I only ask because people don’t seem to like or understand it so i don’t know. Am I insane? Am I being toxic? Or am I just being complicated™️? I dont know anymore.

My gf recently broke up with me over it so (someone sent her screenshots of my vents) :/

oh that sucks, im sorry someone did that because that is genuinely a normal and healthy thing like, we are going to sometimes think negative things about the people we love and care about. thats SUCH a normal human thing. ppl are going to get on our nerves or do things that bug us or any number of things and it is very much perfectly healthy to recognize when those feelings are either irrational or dissproportionate to the situation or just unhelpful or even mean and unfair, and instead of bringing any of that to the other person or putting that on them, to deal with those feelings privately away from them and then move on. like that is so incredibly normal and healthy a lot of people dont like that because a lot of people have issues with boundaries and control, and think that dating or being close friends with someone means ur entitled to their every thought and that anything u dont share with them is lying or hiding things from them. this is very unhealthy and can lead to lots of different kinds of abusive and negative behavior. we are all entitled to privacy, even from the people closest to us it sucks that someone showed her what should have been private conversations and its a p big breech of trust and boundaries on the part of that person. i'd be pissed af honestly. and it's understandable that ur gf was hurt by them, but since thats exactly the reason u didnt express any of that to her, it sucks that she saw them despite ur best efforts just to be very fair i will say that it's also understandable on her end that seeing them made her change her feelings and decide to break up, depending on the exact content of the vents it might have been hard to know u ever think of her that way or upsetting to know u speak about her that way to others. not saying the things u were saying were fucked up but ive known ppl who will vent about their partners with zero consideration for them as people and say things like "fuck that stupid bitch i hope she dies" or "she's just being a dumb whore" or other like deeply desparaging statements that go beyond expressing ur feelings and into value judgement of the other person and its understandable why someone would then immediately breakup with someone who speaks about them like that, even if its not to their face. so i feel like its an important contextual footnote that depending on the content of the vents it might make the situation less u healthily expressing ur feelings elsewhere and more its just not acceptable or okay to speak about a partner this way ever, even if its not to their face but again im not accusing u of that and am giving u the good faith benifit of the doubt that u were just having normal vents, which is not only absolutely a healthy thing, but is very much needed in relationships. u and ur partner should both of have spaces and circles outside of one another where u can speak and vent freely about eachother and get support and reassurance from other people without the involvment of ur partner at all. u both have a right to privacy from one another and u dont have to tell eachother ur every thought and ur allowed to have private feelings that u dont share with ur partner, even if those feelings are negative. those are basic and core parts of a healthy relationship so ur not just being toxic or insane.

[theoutcastedartist]

How are you? I hope you are well.

Thank you. I know you probably meant to send this as a light thing, but unfortunately you caught me at a very off time

Warning for VENT post.

Ngl I'm probably gonna come off as super whiny and annoying so if you don't wanna see that, just ignore this. I really just can't fucking take it anymore. I'll probably delete this in the morning when the shame of my actions come to haunt me right before work. Haha. I'm still working on my normal art stuff, if you're wondering.

Technically thing have been good for me, I got my first STABLE job and it's working with dogs! And my manager is impressed with my serious work ethic

haha my overwhelming need to Not-Be-A-Disappointment-And-Prove-I-Am-More-Than-My-Deformities-Despite-Having-Them-Recitfied-With-Surgery-Meaning-Theyre-Not-Even-Noticable-And-Weird-"Girl"-Behavior-To-My-Own-Detriment comes in handy even after high school ... my knees... my ankles... they do not love me...

But yeah, as far as things are going, technically they are going well!

But honestly, I just want to curl up in a hole and cry. Not that I will anytime soon, given how I've learned at this point that me expressing genuine emotion that is not "Chill/Go with the Flow" is such a Weird Thing for everyone around me... I guess I'm still processing that I am An Actual Adult(tm) now and that I'm just too tired and scared of what the future will be... and just how lost I feel about where I even WANT to go in my life.

Especially when I've realized how much of my childhood was spent me being forced to act like an adult because of some of the people and circumstances surrounding my life, so I couldn't really properly, I guess, enjoy it???? There were so many good opportunities I missed, including two years of FREE COLLEGE because of a series of incidents with one of my parents... and medical neglect of my younger sibling's ATV accident injury, which turned into a WHOLE other mess I had to miss almost 2 weeks of school for... right before going online for COVID-19 too... sigh.

Idk I just wish I could have done more with the time I had before graduating high school like 5 months ago. I was top of my class, but now it just feels like I'm letting everyone who ever believed in me for whatever reason down for not immediately going to college.

And like I KNOW it doesn't matter what others think I should or shouldn't do in regards to taking a break from school or just my own life in general, but it still doesn't make it any easier for me mentally I guess. I just feel guilty and awful and like I'm back in elementary school again, except it's with people who now have insanely high expectations of me because I've always "Beaten the Odds Againt Me", "The Will Power to Go Far in Life" or whatever of that sort of bs rather than "Born Deformed, is Weird, and Most Likely Won't Make it Far in Life" kind of expectation.

It just feels like one thing after another and I'm just... so tired of it. I'm tired of forcing myself to spin just shit awful situations as a positive thing for everyone else's comfort (oh a "Learning Experience" or "Now I'm More Prepared for the Future" and "This Would be Good for a College Application" lmaoo)

Especially with all the recent stuff I've realized, like how my parents treat my siblings and I is probably some form of abuse (something I did not want to confront for years) and just how fucking traumatized I am (haha no wonder my fav is Sad Little White Boy from TOH).

And literally yesterday, my mom's car, who I rely on as transport to and from work, broke down when she had gone to take my siblings to the dermatologist to get a mole checked out (turns out it was completely fine and normal, as I 100% expected).

So while I was at work, my younger siblings were stranded with our god awful mother at god knows where since around 10 am, and couldn't be picked up until my brother called my geometry teacher from MY freshman year of high school (and his best friend's mom) to go pick them up, and then come pick me up after my shift ended, which I had no clue about until I was walking out of the door of my workplace and saw them waiting for me, I was fully expecting to walk home that afternoon in my wet and nasty scrubs, reeking like an actual doghouse (cause I work with the doggos as my job), under direct heavy sunlight, and 90 degree heat. So I at least avoided walking then. Today I was lucky enough to have my dad be my transport, and tomorrow morning he can drop me off an hour before my shift starts. Though I'm worried for tomorrow after work and I'm worried about what the weather might be like (given there's a hurricane/tropical storm coming and all that...) and if it'll be safe for me to even walk home.

I don't know anyone at work well enough to give me a ride, no matter how many times my dad tells me to "just ask". The guilt of being any sort of burden to anyone will always be heavier to me than any consequences as a result of not asking or accepting any kind of help. Like I'd rather walk three hours to get home in the pouring rain and risk getting hit by some idiot driver while crossing the street, than ask someone to drop me off on the way when my house is like literally 5 minutes away by car.

It's so stupid I don't even understand why I'm like this and thinking about it makes me wanna cry, but I CANT cry because it's inconvenient for everyone else and I just generally S U CK at processing my own emotions and its a complete waste of time to try and do so and my stupid intrusive thoughts won't leave me the fuck alone when I'm in the middle of doing BASIC ASS CHORES.

And I just fucking resent my parents so much for all the shit they put me through over the years, making me be the "voice of reason" between any arguments between them. They willingly decide to have their fights in front of me and then try to egg me into joining them. Like literally over the period of time where I was stuck at home looking for work online, I would just be eating my lunch at the table in the emptiness of the house and the minute the two of them happen to be under the same roof, they decide to bitch at each other RIGHT IN FRONT OF WHERE I AM EATING.

There is a WHOLE ASS HOUSE for you two to bitch at each other and yet you do it RIGHT. I FRONT. OF. ME. while I'm eating noodles too... asshole.

Hell, my mom is literally the reason my siblings and I ended up in the foster care system for TWO. FUCKING. YEARS. They almost separated me from one of my siblings because of his autism and ADHD (and you know how fuck awful the system is to older kids who are deemed to be "problematic") combined with my "low self-esteem" and Cleft Lip nonsense going on at the time too. I don't even want to think what would have happened had I not begged my fosterdad for two weeks straight to take in my other sibling too. It's super rare for fosterhomes to take in sibling pairs, much less a Trio like my brothers and I.

Nevermind how shitty all the "court ordered" therapists I've ever had are. Literally one of them would belittle me and my problems, acted like I was too stupid to talked to like a normal person. She was suppose to help me with my "low self esteem" with these stupid packets and instead turned it into a trigger for me like 5 years later lmaoooo

Literally happened during my AP psych class, my teacher brought up "low self-esteem" and "fostercare" in the same sentence (and some kid made a Shazam joke I think???) and I immediately had a silent panic attack at my desk with my head down.

God and on top of being a foster kid, my 5th grade teacher just fucking had to OUT ME as one to the entire class. A foster kid to gay parents, you can imagine how that school year went.

Like how goddamn petty as an adult do you have to be to repeatedly target a 5th grader??? No because that shit stressed me out so much at the time on top of everything else, on top of being bullied by the other girls, the teacher even fat shaming me a couple times (when at the time I was VERY unnaturally thin, no matter how much I tried to gain weight.) I legit started ripping out chunks of my hair from my scalp during class and peeling the skin off my fingers with my teeth to the point of bleeding as a very fucking up coping mechanism that "soothed" me. The only reason any kind of school intervention was made because the assistant principal happened to do a classroom observation on my teacher on a particularly bad day for me where the teacher made me sit all the way at the front of the class and the environment of the class happened to be very overwhelming to my brain too. I remember it so vividly too it felt like this fuck awful metallic buzzing noise before everything became totally silent for a good 10 minutes.

I just hope and pray to whatever god or being of higher power out there that I NEVER have to hear that noise ever again. It was just so bad, whatever it was...

I literally still have a couple hidden bald patches than haven't recovered since like the rest of my hair and I still chew at the skin of my fingers at the first instance of me being stressed. They're always so sore...

I'm just so fucking tired. Of everything. I just wanna skip to the part of my life where I'm not walking on eggshells every waking moment of my life. I just wanna have my own space cuddled up on a rainy day with a pet. I wanna be able to cry freely and just not have to worry for once. I can't even remember a time where I was ever TRULY happy, even as far back as elementary school there wasn't a moment where I didn't want to dissappear.

I just want to be held while I cry and be told that everything will be okay, but that's not going to happen so there's no point in hoping for that to ever happen.

ANYWHO I HAVE A ZOOM MEETING FOR WORK IN LIKE 30 MINUTES I AM NOT OKAY :D

[nozomi-kaizoku]

"tiktok isn't that bad your just being dramatic :3333" I am one mention of the Melanie Martinez accusations away from ending up in a fucking psych ward I hate it there so fucking much.

No, I will not believe Timothy Heller until proof comes out to counter the already existing proof debunking her claims, the accusations were proven false SINCE 2019, STOP SPREADING MISINFORMATION FOR FUCK SAKE!!

And whenever i share my opinion about the situation on tiktok I either get told that I support rape culture/rapists or get told to kill myself. HELL, I'M SURPRISED NOBODY CALLED ME A SLUR OVER IT OR DOXXED ME YET, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTING THAT FROM SOMEONE!!

What makes it worse is that these are the same motherfuckers that would probably tell someone with a mental illness that hasn't been romanticized yet to go slit their wrists vertically or something because they deal with sexual intrusive thoughts, IT'S FUCKING ABSURD

And I actually did try to take a break from the app because I was getting sick of the bullshit I was seeing on there, and guess what? That app gave me a fucking addiction to it and I was forced to go back on there BECAUSE OF MY ADDICTION

I take back what I said about the tiktok ban, I hope that shit gets blacklisted by the FBI cause what the actual fuck is wrong with people on there.

I've seen way too much shit on there, talking ragebait that's basically glorifies raping little kids, AI bullshit about serious topics, doxxing, death threats, child porn, child molestors, the whole nine yards, hell, PEOPLE ARE LITERALLY MAKING STALKING A FUCKING TREND, YET I'M THE PROBLEM FOR SHARING MY THOUGHTS ABOUT SOME STUPID DISCOURSE???? FUCK YOU! AT THIS POINT I MIGHT AS WELL BE WATCHING BARELY LEGAL OR SOME SHIT CAUSE IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME AS TIKTOK, ONLY WITH MORE CHILD PORN.

I'm not even gonna defend that app anymore. There is discourse about SOMETHING on that app every two fucking, not even weeks, HOURS, and it's giving me a fucking aneurysm. Anytime I casually scroll on that app it's always "he said this", "she said that", they defend this" YAP YAP YAP I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE JUST STFU.

Oh! did I forget to mention the amount of romanticized shit regarding mental illness is on there??? No, susan, BPD is NOT "beautiful princess disorder", nor is it just being "obsessive" in a quirky way, I've lost friends over it and I will lose more without treatment. And no, You're no "so OCD", people suffer from that shit. And worst part about that subject in particular is this: If you tell them the reality of mental illness, instead of just trying to educate themselves, they will dox your address and tell you that you should overdose on xanax or something. They want to stay stupid about subjects like this.

And it's not like "oh tiktok isn't affecting you," I LITERALLY ALMOST HAD MY MOM ARRESTED AND ALMOST HAD MYSELF TAKEN INTO CPS BECAUSE TIKTOK CONVINCED ME THAT I WAS BEING ABUSED BY HER. Like yeah, that one time she shoved me into in a light switch and screamed into my ear for over 30 seconds while I was having a meltdown was fucking traumatizing, but abuse is not a one time thing and it's over, it's gotta happen for prolonged periods of time. BUT TIKTOK DOESN'T CARE!! My mom is the only person able to advocate for me in situation where I can't due to my disability, and they want me to not have that voice. They want me to suffer.

All I ever wanted from tiktok (and just being in online spaces in general) is to have a community that understands me and cares for me, but ever since 2021 when all of the Gacha club shit became popular, that app has became nothing but a cesspool of the most hateful, biased, detached from reality. mentally fucked creeps you will ever see in your entire life, it is absurd how bad the app has gotten over the years

"oh but all of the internet is like that" NOT TO THIS EXTENT, NO! I have never seen an app that glorifies rape, doxxing, death threats, child porn, etc. more than I had on fucking tiktok.

I just feel so fucking bad for the people running that app that have to see the shit on there almost everyday man, I'd shut the app down if it had gotten this bad, especially to an extent to where it's practically the norm on there. And if i'll be honest about anything rn, it's no big surprise the app is getting banned tbh.

But then again, it could just be my fyp and maybe i'm just a delusional retard who needs to get shot in the head, but what do I know??

It's honestly so difficult to be on that app anymore when all those motherfuckers do is complain, complain, complain, COMPLAIN, IT'S EXHAUSTING ATP AND I WILL DIE BY THAT HILL.

Anyway, probably gonna get myself evaluated into a ward next week or something, i genuinely need a break from all the shit going on in my life. (i've been meaning to seek treatment for my mental health issues for years by now anyway, and I hope that by then I will get my adhd meds sooooo :p).

Also I won't be posting much on august 14th cause I'm starting school on that day, so if I don't post, that's why, so yeah.

Anyway, it's 12:07 am where I'm at as of typing this, I really need to get some sleep.

gn guys. <3