#ocd and activism
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I don't want to be shitty to younger people on tumblr and in social justice spaces (teens and early 20s) and their absolutism and black and white thinking because I totally was like that too. I absolutely loved that thing where someone said something bad about a tumblr user and then you could act like everything they said was suspect forever. It was so convenient, to put things neatly into boxes. Social justice on here was very different back then, this would have been the early 2010s and a lot of it was about cultural appropriation vs appreciation. I think that is a very important conversation but this too was very black and white. I noticed that the only person injecting any nuance was an activist in her 40s I used to follow. Through her I learned also that some topics are really loaded for certain people but others might not feel the same because of different life experiences, even if they were the same ethnic group encountering the same type of potential appropriation. She got me primed for nuance I would later need, when my brain flat out stopped letting me deal with black and white thinking after my breakdown in 2015 and the fallout going up till 2017 and beyond. It's only now that I am really getting better. With occassional lapses. (Like when people on here were lauding protest suicide, that messed with my brain so much. Activists like the one I used to follow who don't like that kind of thinking, or the bloodthirstiness of a lot of the 'activism' shit on here, leave tumblr. They do, because it is shit here. You can get attacked for opposing the violence and self flaggelation in the rhetoric on here. By people you broadly agree with!!)
I think the reason youth tends to come with this kind of thinking is because they haven't seen it happen many times before and not lead to revolution. I can only assume that there really are people using social media to make young people interested in activism think that accelerationism is the only pure policy- by not doing things that might make things slightly better, society will be forced to fall and revolutionise into something much better. That means you don't become impure in the eyes of some internet strangers who don't give a fuck about you as a person, which is important to most people especially younger ones who haven't found their 'people' yet- everyone wants to be accepted. So you wait, years and years, the revolution doesn't happen. Things get worse in many ways, but it's never worse enough for society to fall. Because it won't. Or I guess probability means statistically, it could. But the older you get, the less likely it seems. What will you do?
I think the only thing that helped me out of this headspace was meeting people in real life who believed the same things as me, but who I disagreed with slightly. I found out oh wait, I do not have to do as the internet says and cast these people out. I can slightly disagree on how ideally an issue should be handled and that is ok. Now, many years later, I'm reclaiming my right to think the way I do, and to not trick myself into thinking I am a way I am not. The way my brain works may not be how my friend's brain works, but I can trust she won't reject me because I find JK Rowling's opinions offensive but don't find content dunking on her interesting in any way. Because she's my friend, and at the end of the day we share the same values.
To someone not online I don't think this stuff would make sense at all. Sadly I'm too weak to not be online, and I have this long background of being in that space which influences all the pushback with myself I've had to do. Its hard to get rid of that history, and hard to ignore the posting on here that seems to validate things that people living with OCD cannot put stock in (e.g. your feelings and thoughts are objectively real and also show what kind of person you really are- absolutely not something we can accept and still live with ourselves.) But I have to do it. I have to keep living. I have to believe that would be a net good. If I can't stay offline, maybe by writing this stuff it will help me and others who think like me.
My top tips for when you realise society isn't falling and won't just reset and come back better:
Join IRL activists, support their actions, plan actions with them. Get used to the variety of shapes activism takes. Talk with them about the things you disagree with. Your ability to ally with people you slightly disagree with but agree on most issues is the number 1 way you become set apart from internet-based activism.
Be suspicious of anyone promoting inaction as activism. (Yes that's about the not voting people.) You don't become impure if you vote for the candidate who is the least shit, or has the most chance of getting in and making things less shit. That's OCD thinking that for some reason has become mainstream on tumblr among non-sufferers and sufferers alike.
Posting on tumblr doesn't matter. I have seen people who convinced themselves it did go down conspiracy rabbit holes very easily. (You know- 'they are trying to silence us because of the importance of our posting!' and then it spirals from there)
People trying to guilt and shame you into doing certain things, such as rejecting your long-term mental health, or tell you that if you feel like shit all the time it's a good thing somehow- stay away from that thinking like its infectious. The most effective activism comes from people who are in an ok place mentally so they can plan and work together, not people who feel like them feeling ok is bad or offensive somehow and are making snap decisions based on this. You feeling bad doesn't help anyone.
#morality based ocd#ocd and activism#ocd and politics#leftism and ocd#existing with ocd on the left#unproofread sorry
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Just in case anyone else needed to hear this today-
Your health is not your fault. You didn’t do anything to “deserve” this. And you are right, it isn’t fair. You are allowed to feel upset, hurt, angry and jealous that your health, body or mind disables you.
It’s not fair, and that sucks. You are allowed to scream about that as much as you need to.
#chronic illness#chronic pain#chronically ill#i’m so done#disability#chronic fatigue#mental illness#fibromyalgia#ocd#disability activism#invisible disability#cripple punk#angry cripple#mini rant#ehlers danlos syndrome#hypermobile eds#pots syndrome#potsawareness#generalized anxiety disorder#it’s ok to not be okay#disability allyship#cripple life#it’s not fair
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"ermm if you eat and use this type of pancake batter you're literally an evil person that should rot in the 9th layer of hell"
chef with moral OCD:
#as someone with moral ocd please let me rip at people who do the “you're literally a bad person” type activism or whatever#having this sucks
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sometimes i think about how many common therapy tactics are either useless or actively harmful against OCD and stare at the ceiling
er, i should add, this isnt a dig at therapy, it's just important to see someone well-versed in OCD is all.
#actively harmful!#thats why they stopped classifying it as an anxiety disorder - because certain anxiety easing tactics are actively harmful t peole with ocd
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#im sorry communism daddy disney’s dick is just too enticing#i was gonna do a bunch of these but then i realized i am gonna Die at my lectures tomorrow if i do#this is like late uni AU like year four of med school and joy has been involved in a bunch of student activities and is like#a Well Known Presence#a term or two above anx#and anx had a Giant like celebrity crush on her but like could not even conceptualize them i. a conversation like in her mind this is like#idk kristen stewart hot gay gets-shit-done undeniable main character socially intelligent#and sometime year four she ends up in anx class and like Immediately has a friend group bc she knows everyone but also Immediately HATESanx#bc anx asks a lot of questions and wants to make sure she gets things right but is also just an Intense people pleaser#joy mostly dislikes that she disrupts the flow of the lecture. but they get into arguments in assigned discussion groups and that#NEVER happens for joy (actually it does a lot but it’s usually easier for her to defend her self-righteousness)#eventually she has a breakdown after a hospital placement bc she has some Serious issues w OCD and had to redo a whole term#they never really start ti hang out. but they do have wayy too unfiltered conversations in the maternity ward breakroom at 4am#art tag#inside out#io2#joyxiety#i know it sucks but im fucking knackered#inside out joy#inside out anxiety
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WE NEED TO LEAVE REBLOG BAIT IN 2023 PLEASEEEEEE
#post#as a person with moral OCD#you are helping nobody and engaging in zero activism by reblogging a post that says “reblog if you support gay people” or whatever#if you interact with reblog bait i genuinely have no respect for you. you are actively harming your friends and acquaintances#with moral ocd or paranoia or intrusive thoughts or a number of other things#and doing nothing of value.
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As someone who enjoys religion blogging/discussions, I've come to realize that it's a good practice to be aware of the general signs/symptoms of religious-OCD thinking (aka scrupulosity), because if the conversation is taking on all the hallmarks of scrupulosity, it's actually a definitive sign that we cannot meaningfully and compassionately engage in a conversation about religion in a healthy way. I've actually had this play out a significant number of times online, and when I realized what it was, I also began to realize that the intrusive thoughts/obsessive and compulsive thinking are only ever fed by continuing the discussion with that person.
[[ Important edit to clarify why I am saying it's not healthy — made after I went back to look for more concrete facts about OCD or anxiety (I have GAD, not OCD, but many resources overlap since they're both anxiety disorders):
When Reassurance is Harmful — this explains how/why reassurance-seeking specifically about an OCD fear is a compulsive behavior, and engaging with reassurance-seeking interferes with recovery/management/treatment.
This table from the Anxiety Disorders Center lists key differences between Information Seeking and Reassurance Seeking.
This IOCDF page on Scrupulosity info for Faith Leaders identifies "symptom accommodation" as enabling. Two of the examples of doing this by participating in the OCD behavior are: "Engage in excessive conversation focused on if-then scenarios (e.g., "If I did this, then would X or Y happen? And what if Z was involved? How about W?")" And, "Repeatedly answering questions about ‘correct’ religious or faith practices."
That page also goes on to outline more info about reassurance seeking. "Although providing answers to (often simple!) questions may seem harmless, providing reassurance serves to maintain the anxiety disorder cycle." (This BMC psychiatry article cites a lot of related studies establishing this.)
The IOCDF page on What is OCD and Scrupulosity? ]]
Imo, the responsible thing to do is to recognize that (even if the other person hasn't outright stated it/isn't diagnosed)* the conversation is not about religion, it is about needing mental health support from professionals and experts. Talking to me, the layperson who enjoys chatting theology and my religion — is not only not helping, but is actively harmful. I'm not just talking about the person who I replied to today, either. Like I've said, I've seen this happen dozens of times in various online forums.
*[while I am against diagnosing strangers on the internet, it's important to realize A) lots of people don't know what Scrupulosity is, so it's possible they've never considered this is a mental health concern that could be treated, and that B) for the purposes of my concern, it doesn't matter if they actually have diagnosed OCD. The only thing that matters is that their thought-process causes them genuine distress/fear, and every response given to them seems to only incite new/additional distressing questions/thoughts, or further entrenches the original distress.]
Ultimately, any discussion aside from "you might want to speak to a mental health professional about scrupulosity OCD" seemingly puts me in the position of feeling as if I am being used for their self-harm. I hate that feeling. I do not want to be leverage for fear and pain. I have GAD, I despise the idea that I am making things worse.
No matter how much I love religious discussion, the answer in these cases is always "please reach out to an OCD specialist/mental health professional. I am not qualified to discuss this." And then to stop there. I have never once seen anyone stuck in this compulsive thought spiral be reassured or feel any better by hearing from someone else's approach to theology handled with things like empathy, compassion, logic, or even atheism. It doesn't matter what we say, how we say it, or how we relate to our own religion. The urge to engage in this kind of conversation in order to chat about religion is a sign that we are not equipped to help.
You can't have a conversation here, because intentionally or not, ten times out of ten, you are adding fuel to the fire. Just like people can't simply tell me something that would erase/talk me out of my ADHD/depression/anxiety disorder, you also cannot simply argue/reassure/persuade people out of scrupulosity. We should not try. We have a responsibility to consider that it's outright harmful to do so, and to disengage.
#this is a massive pet peeve of mine#im not mad at the people who responded about religion and religious thinking bc it took me time to realize what this was too#like im sure i used to view these kinds of questions in a more...idk flippant light when i was a teenager and maybe even in my 20's#as i became more educated about my own mental health though i started to realize the pattern in these fears#and like many of you i probably originally started replying to people with scrupulosity or similar religious anxieties genuinely#not realizing at first that replying to their fears or questions was inevitable harmful#not realizing that hey actually this is far above my paygrade#ocd/obsessive thinking and anxiety spirals can be crippling life ruining and immensely painful#and unfortunately my love of theological discussions sometimes tripped me RIGHT into what was essentially self-harm#so im not mad at other people for also making that mistake - but i am asking everyone to think about this actively#its too easy to leap in without considering if the discussion is healthy to have for our discussion partner#its definitely too easy to contribute to the pain and fear while only meaning to genuinely help what is misunderstood as a mere “worry”#bc these arent just small fears or worries but thoughts that are causing them immense pain
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Going to try and talk to my mom tonight I think because like. I don’t know how I’ve been coming across lately, either on here or to people I know, but I feel like I’m losing my handle on things to a noticeable degree and it’s getting out of hand I think. Maybe.
#I’m ok!! but I’m beginning to find my behavior alarming and I am not entirely sure that it’s like. safe for me to carry on like this#if there was a psych wardish option that was not actively terrible I’d be there is what I’m saying. I do not feel stable. I am acting#erratically. I did something stupid yesterday and now have a burn blister the size of a banana slug on my arm we’re at the limit. hard stop.#I know that it could end badly but like there’s nothing else I can do I don’t think we’re in the last ditch effort stage of things#vent#self harm#suicide mention#well obliquely but I want to cover my bases#I’ve had so much experience handling myself throughout the years I HAVE and I have been some sort of upset more often than not but this is.#this is bad this FEELS bad this feels upper end extreme. I should’ve kept looking for that ocd therapist I like the lady I saw well enough#but it’s a distinct set of issues. I think.
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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ik ive made several posts over the past like year being like "has youtube recommendations gotten worse" but I feel like it's REALLY gotten worse lately??
#recommended page is like. 5 videos ive already watched and have no intention to rewatch. 3 videos on a topic i have no interested in but#watched a simgle video about bcus i like the creator (like a million sims videos bcus i watch izzzzy) videos from my watch later (IF I#WANTED TO WATCH STH FROM WATCH LATER ID BE IN WATCH LATER!) & then at least one that would be actively damaging to my mental health to watch#like why are you suggesting me so many videos that would give me more ocd complexes im not ever clicking on any of that shit!!#texticles
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the "feeling of impending doom" symptom with anxiety is one of the hardest to be ~MiNdFuL~ about and idk exactly why... probably cuz it's so specific and kind of stands out compared to the usual shit im thinking about 24/7. also bc it's true that literally anything could happen at any time so it's impossible to rationalize lol. plus it has the added effect of being depressing as hell. doesn't help that it's also a symptom of some real medical crises 😭 so even when i try to tell myself "okay it's just your hormones" etc, my brain is like " true, but you're actually gonna have an aneurysm in approximately 17 minutes, so. jot that down."
#sometimes i sit there and realize damn can i really not have a MOMENT'S PEACE#thats the thing about anxiety disorders that makes them so debilitating; the symptoms will imitate the shit that you're worrying about#and can convince you of some CRAZY shit...#its like your brain is a parasite...like your brain has malicious intent and its really scary#and im sorry idk why i post about this stuff here#i guess in hopes that someone will relate??#i used to be super active on the anxiety/ocd/dpdr subreddits (how embarrassing) but#it always felt like everyone was looking at me like that meme of ppl at a party like 😐🤨🫢#all you edd fans out there this is what it would like to spend time with him btw#multiple times a day out of nowhere he'd have a thousand yard stare and really clammy hands and constantly be asking for reassurance#and LOTS of pacing lmao#eh anyway i'll delete this later
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keep trying write brief intro summary about life because drastic decline of health stuff because keep being paranoid about not-so-kind & conservative & ableist people who knew me before that all happened finding me now and thinking am faking all of it
and keep failing!!! on how many draft now n been working on it for past year or maybe even more!!!! communication disability strikes again (it strikes every day)
#know technically don’t owe anyone life story but. OCD#also. own lived experience & positionality affect activism & where am speaking from so important understand#my life reallyyyyyyy complex & so many factors hard keep it short without leave out detail but without putting out too much info to stranger#whole internet safety drill thing#drill works in way that. well. am aware need limit what say on internet to be safe. but not work in way that am not mentally flexible &#not able generalize enough for drill to have practical meaning#🍞.txt
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Yknow I'm not sure pretending that JKR is some supernatural being who managed to create a work so cursed that simply enjoying a memory of it in the privacy of your own brain or illegally downloading a related game and quietly playing it, resulting in zero profit or publicity, somehow causes terfs to manifest and assault the nearest trans person is helping.....
#seriously some of u people have reached the point of OCD level disordered thinking and behaviour and ur pretending its activism#word of god
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AO3:
Me:
#ao3#I don’t actually read fics but my ocd compels me to check for new activity on my fics constantly lel
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saying it now and saying it publicly if sunday gets to be on the astral express but robin doesnt im going to be SO INCREDIBLY PISSED. THAT SPOT SHOULD GO TO ROBIN OR NO ONE AT ALL!!!!
#hsr leaks#robin hsr#sunday hsr#honkai star rail#willow rambles#LIKE. DID WE MISS THE PART WHERE ROBIN CHANNELED THE SPIRIT OF THE TRAILBLAZE TO RUN HER BROTHER OVER WITH THE FUCKING TRAIN ITSELF???#the path of the trailblaze is all about freedom and liberation and choice#actively deciding to step forward and make a better world#AS MUCH AS I LOVE SUNDAYS CHARACTER. THAT AINT HIM!!!! AT ALL!!!!!!! HE HAS TOO MUCH TRAUMA FOR THAT#ROBIN THOUGH. FITS THAT PERFECTLY THATS LITERALLY HER WHOLE THING SHE IS BASICALLY DOING WHAT THE ASTRAL EXPRESS DOES BY GOING FROM WORLD T#WORLD AND SPREADING HOPE WITH HER SINGING#SUNDAY IS A COWARD WITH (IMPLIED) OCD WHO FALLS BACK ON WHAT HE KNOWS AND THINKS ABSOLUTE CONTROL IS THE BEST OPTION#listen i am all for the astral express changing sunday for the better but if he gets to be on that goddamn train instead of robin#im going to do something so fucking drastic
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I hate how people in certain spaces try to seemingly "out-woke" each other. When I was in college and living in the gender-inclusive/queer housing, my partner at the time told me that my fear of water being contaminated was stupid and mocked me because "Awhhh, poor white kid, living in a community with clean water :(". Recently, I finally got diagnosed with OCD, with water contamination being one of my most troublesome fears as of late.
I don't want this to sound like the "woke-ness" is the problem. Looking back, I doubt their anti-isms came from a genuine place of wanting the best for humanity, but rather a selfish place of wanting to be right. I just want to remind everyone that often the people who seem the most politically correct are often the most performative. In my ex's case, they chose to be ableist yet "anti-racist" in order to feel superior instead of just being normal!
#yes i consider it ableist#they could have been like “that's weird” and moved on#instead they actively insulted me for it#compassion is radical#actually ocd#ocd#mental health#mental illness#therapy#erp#obsessive compulsive disorder#compulsions#intersectionality#anti-racism#anti-ableism#ableism#disability rights#actually mentally ill#radical compassion#owenposting
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