#<- bc its been like a week and ive thought about this post multiple times a day every day. it distresses me

[aropride]

i'm not sure if this post was meant as a joke or not but i don't think it matters-- it has over 5k notes and most of them seem to be taking it seriously. but the idea that you can do a specific action to stop having intrusive thoughts and if u just keep doing it and the thoughts will go away :) is just. that's just a compulsion. that's a repetitive behavior you feel driven to do to reduce anxiety. there are ways to cope with/treat ocd but giving urself new compulsions isn't one of them, that will just make it worse even if it's reassuring in the moment (which is another part of ocd- it reduces anxiety for a moment and then the anxiety comes back, which is what reinforces the obsession-compulsion loop.

and if this was meant as a joke or satire, it's clearly ineffective because it's being taken seriously, which is just adding to the problem of bad ocd advice posts, and leaving it circulating is irresponsible. and if it wasn't meant as a joke, it's still harmful despite coming from a good place, and leaving it circulating is still irresponsible.

[fasolabean]

warninggg this is a long one ,,,

(Okay so I started writing this uhhh vent before more posts on the n//fts appeared later so plz keep that in mind hah)

So I haven’t been too active on here for the past month – a bit personal start, but I’ve moved to a different country whooo!!!! (its terrifying) (my brains been involved in fandom stuff as usual but physically I wasn’t lmao).

But I wanted to talk ab the n//ft (censoring bc idk ab bots here) thing bc while some people on here provided some great context and threads, most of the talk has happened on twitter. So like. Since it was first confirmed what the raffle thing was I was veryyyy disappointed, especially bc K has made fun of this very thing on stage previously. And like yea, the nature of what hes doing is different than the n//ft crypt0 scams, since the cost of the paywalled content is set and not fluid and the raffle thing was free to enter, and I know there have been threads about the website not being the worst on twitter (link) (edit: now here on tumblr too). But still man. Both of these could’ve been done on either an independent website or through stuff like youtube members or patreon. Or hell, even just on the merch store? Like buy a promo code that buys you access to the material?

Also like I get that this was probably a contract that would be rly hard if not impossible to terminate. STILL though, I wish we just got an even short thing like “hi sorry I wasn’t aware this is gonna be a one time thing we’re not doing it again”. I don’t mind extra content being paywalled personally, I know some people do, but I just really wish it wasn’t don’t with that technology. And yes, I also now know it’s a safer way to handle shit like that but I just cant see this excuse being used for commercial use? Like maybe I can see why I could be made to use it for like idk an important document, but a raffle ticket? Nah

I also, ugh. Felt weird about mikke in the team since the winter. This whole thing seems to be – at least to a large extent – either done or influenced by him, judging by even the fact that the europass thingy webpage has oy photomikke marked (no im not buying it but i did look around curiosity was stronger). Also the previous thing that had made me go hmmm about käärijä as a brand was the bnb, which now seems to be ran entirely by mikke and his wife. Like stick to your photos man? That being said tho, Jere IS an adult and he IS the face of this brand. If he doesn’t think hes qualified to make business decisions all by himself (which I get, this shit is hard), nothing is stopping him really from getting a professional to help him with those things. And if there IS something stopping him then hey man I think you should go to the press with that lol. From any interviews ive seen or read, you can feel he feels this responsibility to keep his friends and family that initially helped him afloat. But I wish he understood that not letting people who in the end are not professional about business and PR and having them stick to their own thing does not have to mean cutting them off.

But now I just wanna share a thought that to some might seem like me defending him – which, in case you didn’t get I am very much not lmao. The thing is, im really glad the fandom is able to call him out on a shitty thing – like a bad baaad business decision. You can like somebody’s art, hell you can even like the public person they are, while not agreeing with everything what they do. What annoys me though, is that apart of the kä fandom, he is also often talked about (usually negatively) in the wider esc fandom. Over the past week I’ve seen multiple threads on twitter from people that rarely ever mention him about this. That would’ve been like, not that much of a deal (though sometimes it really got… engagement bait-y) but the amount of bodyshaming and shaming of his fans that comes up with every valid criticism is making me wanna pull my hair out.

Especially cause he’s neither the first finnish esc-related artist to do that (Robin and Cyan Kicks are mentioned on the kollekt website) nor is he the first esc artist of his influence to do it either. Last year Loreen and Alessandra have released n//fts last year, and Loreen did a very similar raffle a couple months ago. Now I wanna be very clear: I don’t want this to be like. Cancelling these people, that would be so hypocritical of me. I also don’t want this to be like a fandom war like oh youre mad he did xyz?? Well THIS and THIS person did THAT!!1! I’m just merely annoyed that these people doing essentially the same thing went with no echo at all, but now I’ve seen us (the fandom) be literally called the r slur and the most vile things being said about jere and, for some reason, his appearance???

Idk man. I really try to  make it clear im not trying to excuse his decisions and I think being angry and/or disappointed at him is absolutely understandable. Im just angry that every single time he fucks up, every single time he makes a mistake, my timeline is filled with a wave of people rejoicing in it. I know he’s a controversial figure, he’s been one since day one, but I just wish he’s gotten the same amount of shit his peers do for the same actions? And this happens every time, and each time im like “well ig I can see why hes so bad when it comes to criticism”. Because imagine doing a thing that your peers have done with no/minimal criticism and then the moment you try it out you get people calling your fans slurs and commenting how stupid you are. Like ngl id also think any criticism was hate lmao.

Again I wanna be very VERY clear im very critical ab what he chose to do. I wish he took some responsibility – and hope he maybe does, at some point in the future. This year has been a whole lot of bad business decisions for the käärijä brand in my eyes, and I hope he can actually see where its gone wrong and do something about it, both for his and our sake. I am also happy to see fellow fans who are able to call out their fave. But man I am TIRED of him just getting all the shit (from people who very visibly fans are not)?? And now I have the proof that it is comparably more than other people and not just my bias towards him because wdym there’s been at least 4 esc artists, 2 of which more famous than him, and 2 umk artists doing exactly the same thing with almost no echo??

TLDR (thishasover1kwordsfuckshit); I wish he did better, simply. I kinda cling to some hope that maybe hey finally this time he will see that criticism can be constructive. I think this is still a level of fucking up that you can like, come back from. Pity it’s connected to the eurotour since kinda souring my excitement ab my first concert in a new country a bit :(

[pup-pee]

VENT POST

i just started typing & i accidentally worte an essay

dont click read more if ur not ready 2 scroll or if u dont want 2 read some random persons thoughts

whenever my mother has a manic or depressive episode every1 looks 2 me 2 help her

bc 4 sone reason im ghe only 1 who understands??? but slso fucking like i dont want 2 i e been trying 2 help her w/various shit since i was born man like literally y do I have 2 help when shes drunk, or hallucinating, or angry, weeping, bored, delusional ect ect

like y me mannn

i wouldnt mind hanging around her if she wasnt a huge source of trauma 4 me god damn

like the problem is i dont mind bing around her its just she has the biggest victim complex & i cannot bare 2 b tricked in2 apologizing 2 her again & again & again & reliving moments that hurt me so i can explain y her actions were not just another tuesday & then she just brushes it off or resays the original statement so i try 2 resay what i said

or when i try 2 calm her down so i let her hold me & sob & i am so uncomfortable bc i dont like bing held by her & she grips my hand & squeezes me when hugging & its like man i dont want 2 deal w/this pls

but when any1 else tries 2 b around her they just make her worse?? make her more upset angry fucking they just trigger her off 4 some reason & she cant b around family or friends bc they just feed in2 her delusions & make them more real 4 her SO IG THATS Y IM THE 1 WHO HAS 2 DO EVERYTHING

4 SOME FUCKING REASON im the 1 ppl listen 2 but then on a dime they will just go “oh but ur the toungest ur not an adult u dont understand it doesnt work that way!” IVE LIVED W/THIS WOMEN MY ENTIRE LIFE I THINK I UNDERSTAND HER BETTER THAN WHEN U KNEW HER AS A CHILD. SHES A FUCKING ADULT TREAT HER LIKE 1

TREAT ME LIKE 1 I GUESS BC U WOULDNT HELP ME AS A KID

dude holy fucking balls im so annoyed bc i cant do anything im just thinking about what ive been doing this week & god damn i h8 the holidays

i want so badly 4 ppl 2 listen & understand me but the bias just DOESNT LET THEM IT DOESNT & IT SUCKS IT SUCKS SO MUCH

bc i can understand what my mother is going through. the mood swings the paranoid/intrusive thoughts the sudden depression BC REAL ME 2 GIRLIE

whcih sidenote my mother told me she was suppossed 2 get diagnosed when she was younger but didnt bc the walk 2 the therapists office each time was way 2 much & just like goddamn that sucks ass. bc imagine if she was able 2 cope better instead of alcohol & cigs & impulse buying all the useless shit

anyways mayb thats y my mother is able 2 stand me more than the others. bc i can relate. which also makes me more easy 2 manipulate but i think ive gotten better @ standing my ground? i hope. man.

mayb i shoukd like talk 2 a therapist bc i want 2 tak about these things but everytime i went 2 a therpist((multiple)) it was always “oh it seems u have it all figured out”

did i get cps called or alerted from me multiple times then got scared in2 talking further in2 it? maybe

but literally cps does jack shit

dude the cops came 2 my house bc my mothers dramatic & she wouldnt let me talk 2 them ((bc i was a minor @ the time)) & they jsut went “ah yes normal behavior.” she drunkenly told them wrong information about our family like that i had a sister? do not. she tried 2 she them the injuries that my dad gave her ((she had none)) & then just refused 2 let me b alone. & oh holy fucking shit. when the reaosn was “well its 2 hot!” i said “they can come inside” she said no

then it was bc i was a minor which doesnt matter bc law

like i had 2 shove her back inside dude it was awful

then when i opened the door she was like right there oacing around like i can not i cant

she did get held 4 that night bc they took it that she was the main disturbance & HOLY SHIT THAT WAS 1 OF THE MOST OEACEFUL NIGHTS IN A WHILE

but ohhh my god she has not let that shit go 2 this day

“they arrested me 4 no reason!” “do yk how AWDUL it is in jail? ofc u dont!” “they had 2 search me!! it was so violating”“ur father LIED 2 them 2 get me.” “those police were lazy & racist” ((i mean ur not weong but also ur not right in that moment)) “yk who had 2 pick me up bc ur father wouldnt? yeah so & so” LIKE YES I GET IT U HAD 2 SPEND 5 HRS IN WHERE EVER U WERE

ohhh my god listen i can understand how treatment can b traumatic but HOLY SHIT the thing that bugs me is how she doesnt realize SHE PUT HERSELF IN THERE

she called the cops of my father then got arrested like girl PLS

she dismisses everything based on those reasons then used them against us

OHH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED she tried 2 tell a friends parent who we ran in2 about all of this & i had 2 pull her away like do u know how embarrassing that is? i was trying on the fly 2 correct her BC I DIDNT NEED ANOTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCE FEEDING IN2 MY MOTHERS VERSION OF EVENTS

im so fucking tired man. & then my father tries 2 defend her & its like my good sir u r the victim but also u neglectful asshole take care of urself the way u never took care of my brother or i

like hes fucked up but hes not a terrible person. outside of the transphobia, racism & other things that i think hea grown past? listen he used 2 b way more homophobic but like my mother helped him w/that shit

but oh my god dude i remneber coming out 2 my family in 8th grade & he went 2 his lesbian friend talking abiut me bing trans which. rude honestly. i wouldve rather him ask me questions not some girlie i never heard of. & holy shit she fed him the worst advice. “when i was younger i thought i shouldve been a boy when i was just gay” GIRL STFU IM SRRY I WENT THROUGH THAT BUT U R NOT ME

she made him so much more surr of himself then he shouldve been & im still struggling 2 explain shit 2 him

dude hes oit here talking about trans women in sports when i dont even play sports like hhhh

my mother has this friend who is like a professor 4 brain shit & shes a proud supporter of lgbtq+ everything

& like shes been wonderful. she supports me even if im 2 scarex 2 say stuff 2 her or cant text her bc i dont have her number angmkre & i dont want 2 intrude on her life

but its the way none of my parents believed her or took her advice on anything

shes my fairy godmother man like they will trust her w/my life if they got died gone but they cant take her advice w/something she literally has a degree in

& it SUCKS bc she believed in my mothers words about my father abusing her WHICH IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED ABOIT

i havent been able 2 talk 2 her bc of it man it sucks… also bc i dont have her number anymore haha lol lol ahaha hhh

& dude its like mutual abuse. my fathers a lot easier 2 b around than my mother most of the time but it flips so easily.

they both r just elly hard ppl 2 b around

i think i takw back that precious statement. theyre both rlly hard 2 b around

explainign the concept of racism 2 my dad is so difficult. bc he cant understand y asian like no-no words r hurtful bc he has an asian wife BUT THE MOMENT U BEING UP THE N WORD HE JSUT CANT WAIT 2 SAY IT 2 PROVE ME WRONG

LIKE DO U NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHIT UR SAYING

& HE JUST WANTS 2 TURN EVERYTHING IN2 A DEBATE ITS SOOO TIRING

like @ least my mother wants 2 hear me talk about my interests instead of telling me 2 shut up

like ik she guilt trips me but @ least she actually likes my company i think

idk man

i just want 2 have a relationship w/them but its so hard & i feel like giving up

my brother basically alr has but he has like, friends n shit dhjdksk

i dont rlly have other ppl like that((mainly my own fault im a pussy)) & it sucks bc i love ppl & man y do i have 2 have a brain that h8s me as much as my parents do

i just want 2 exist in my body & like laugh & smile & eat food a normal amount y is it so hard

y is it so hard 2 just talk 2 some1 when thats all i want 2 do it sucks

but 2mr is another day these feelings will pass & hopefully i will get better or some shit even if ive only been getting worse

this headache is making me reflect on my life man

got me cryinf & shit

god & i just keep thinking about laying in the hospital bed & the nurse telling me not 2 kill myself & her sharing a story about her brother & how he tried but lived & how hos attempt was much worse than mine & now i cant help but compare everything i do or think bc theres always some1 off worse than me stfu

like i will not attempt again ((until??)) @ least donald fucking trump is dead bc i will live off my spite 4 him

but oh my god i hope i can fix myself b4 then

mayb ill just keep setting goals of ppl i need 2 outlive bc @ least im better than them nomatter how much i suck

like jk rowling

is that how u spell her name i dont give a shit. but like i should just keep doing that? idrc how dark it is i just know ppl dont eant me 2 die even if i want 2 so ig ill do it 4 them

oh i just remmebered bing in the hospital bed & my mother yelling @ me then running out XDD im not ok dude that moment sucked that hurt so much & no1 even asked if i was ok mannn like ok let me dissociate on the bed while watching history channel whatever ancient aliens? ok let me just giggle @ this

YK WHAT SUCKED

Omg i couldnt sleep every in both the hospital & the pych ward bc i cant sleep if ppl r watching me

like if some1s looking @ me my body wakes up bc of just this fear instilled in me i suppose?

i think it happened bc of my parents

a mixture of bing forced 2 sleep in their bed & also my mother taken numerous pictures of my father ((& by consequence me)) 2 use as ammo agaisnt him

“oh he sleeps so much” “he snores os loud” “hes passed out drunk” like girl u have over a 1000 pictures of my dad just sleeping calm tf down

anyways i cant sleep if some1s looking loke the moment some1 opens my door i shoot up. which was useful when school tbh but i couldnt sleep @ ALLLL during the hospital bc theres a nurse there 24/7 & in the ward i got a roomm8 yk & the door checks

like ughhhhh i dont sleep well or long anyways unless i dont sleep 4 a while then my body knocks me out((which is what happens/ed)) but holy mollyyyy

i think existing in this world would b a lot better if i didnt confine myself 2 this house. if i like, got out yk? if i left it all bhind

which goddamn i tried like me running away was not a joke idk how ppl took it as that but whatever im so tired of just existing in here

like althoguh im in my safe cave((my room)) im always terrified of the next knock on my door or attempt of conversation

srsly if u want 2 talk or hang out w/me dont complain that i dont shut up u signed up 4 this shit U WANTED 2 HANG OIT W/ME

do u want me here or do u just want this idea of me 2 b here?? i cannot get over it. which fine if its a “i want 2 hear what were watching” situation but 1. subtitles. but fine fine i get it u dont like those so ill shut up or just leave

but dont complain when i leave

& WORSE

DONT B A HYPOCRITE & YAP MORE THAN I DO

watching fightclub was a NIGHTMARE bing told 2 b quite then hearing them talk 2 eqchother ot try 2 talk 2 me then when i would try 2 start a conversation it was like “oh mo we got 2 pause the show bc THIS is goinf 2 go on & on”

like ok goddamn ill shut up ig

i mean @ least when my brother watches stuff w/me ((which is not often)) he KNOWS ill talk. which is y he doesnt watch stuff w/me!! & thats fine!! WE HANG OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. like when he asked me 2 stick around during an oil change or when i talk 2 him when hes making food 4 himself like IS IT THAT HARD??

my brother is not a shining example of some1 who completely understand or is purely good. i mean in the car he will constantly say “jokes” calling ppl a slur then bing like “but yk i dont mean that in a bad way” like ok man whatever u grew up w/ny father i understand y u say this

i asked 1nce what the joke was & i think he like actually stuttered. like his brain had 2 load in a response bc it was just “what was the punchline?” “a joke doesnt have 2 have a punchline” “not rlly but most jokes r jokes 4 a reason. so what was the funny bit about that?” “it was just funny” like i dont think thats how it worksss

sigh but @ least their better than my fathers jokes. & my mother oh my god. her humor is literally “haha gangers wear their pants so low u can see their underwear”

& OHH MY GOD when my father tries 2 say we have the same humor

no sir we do fucking not shut the hell up. ive laughed @ 1 joke hes ever said in his entire life istg

he constantly turns 2 me & goes “how r u not laughing this is hilarious!” ITS BC WE DONT HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR IVE BEEN TELLING U THIS

or mayb none of them r funny bc i can make them laugh but they cant make me laugh & its getting me rlly insecure

& oh my god if some1 makes 1 more fatphobic ass comment im going 2 send them 2 the time out corner I CANNOT

got in an argument about societies influence on whats “right or weong” & beauty standards came up. yk bc fatness doesnt equal beautiful or some shit like ok whatever i think theyre hot af but surr push ur views on2 me

like DUUDDEEEE trying 2 explain that sexiness is a person fucking opinion & not a fact just goes over EVERY1S HEAD

like hi. im trying 2 explain a concept & trying 2 b patient bc im basically destroying how uve lived ur entire life but pls listen 2 meee

4 some reason my family love 2 compare me & themselves 2 eachother & im so tired of that

i am not like u i dont want 2 b like u bc u make me so depressed i want 2 hurt myself 4 bing aeound u

when my brother compares me 2 our parents its in an effort 2 “change myself 4 the better” but i dont think this criticism actually helps me. it just makes me feel more like shit bc now i feel like im the person that hurt me so i hurt others & UGHHH its awful

my mother has compared me 2 my father in order 2 try 2 get me on her side. things like “thats what ur father would say.” “ur father thinks the same way” ect ect along those lines & its stupid & annoying & i h8 it

MY FATHER THO IS THE WORSSTTT 1 OF THEM ALL

he compared me 2 himself when its a positive trait & my mother when its a negative trait

“oh i 4got ur phone in the kitchen? haha u got that from me” “u 4got what day it is? u r ur mothers child”

“see ur smart & dont care about others opinions. u remind me of myself” “ur so sensitive like ur mother.”

“reading books & preferring physical materials? loving the library? u r my.. daug-child” “creativity? yeah thats ur mothers side of u”

“i like that we can talk about hard hitting questions during shows that dint distract us & let us dig deeper in2 whatever or smth.” “u talk so much. just like ur mother”

LIKE UGHHHH

ive only “rlly got 2 know him” in the oast 2 yrs bc b4 that he was rlly uhmm… absent? not gone but i just. idk he was much more of an alcoholic & seemed 2 care more about work then me

apparently thr thing that snapped him out of that mindset was when i told him i didnt have many memories of him

which

i dont

bc i just dont. unless its him bing drunk n shit & arguing/fighting like isk what 2 tell u

& OHHH my god im still confused about this memory i have bc 2 me ifs as fresh as daisies but my mother told me smth about thag night that i dont remmeber

in trying 2 incriminate my father she said smth WILDLY uncomfortable & now i have no idea if its true or not bc im sure its jot but what if it was & holy mother of jesus that scares me

bc i dont trust her but i want 2 & ik she cares about me but what if shes just trying 2 get me on her side BUT WHAT IF ITS TRUE.

that night was scary enough i dont need 2 think sbout it more mannn

ugh i h8 family vacations

like just any family outting. we got a flat tire bc father wouldnt listen when we daid “hey dont drive on sharp rocks” & then every1 got pissed @ eachothrr & then @ ME WHEN I TRIED 2 B OPTIMISTIC. then when waiting 4 a pick up 2 help us they got blasted drunk & my dad started hitting me in the fucking truck & when we got bsck 2 town my brother picked only ME up bc he doesnt care 4 my parents & he said i was the victim in that? sure whatever

but when my parents came home they started a fucking fight w/them while ienas in the shower so i got out & started 2 record the aufio bc i coudlnt rlly,,, like get out? my father threatening 2 fight my brother pushing him in2 corners forcing him out the soor my mother “trying” 2 make “them” stop but just making it worse bc again. victim complex she needs 2 b in the middle of eveything

& my brother just wanted 2 help me i feel so so so bad

the time when we were out of state bc my brother was moving away((has since been manipulated back yay go mother)) & my father fucking left my mother & i there. took the car & just drove back home. it wasnt the worst we had a hotel room & had a car but it still sucked.

we didnt have many vacations when i was younger bc my father was always working so my mother would take us places & honestly it was better bc she would always put on a persona like how she does when she works yk?

bit when my father would join 4 things like birthdays it always ended up in drunk fights & threats. even if we were bringing friends w/us on trips 2((not the birthday 1s))

there r times when my mother has gotten oanic attacks in the car from the way my father drives & i get like 2nd hand panic from that bc, ofc i do. & my father just gets pissed off @ her?? also my mother & i get vry motion sick so the way he drives also triggers that like crazy. but he gets upset when we mention it or constantly tell him 2 calm down bc if he doesnt stop switching lanes & taking sharp turn 1 or both of us will b throwing up.

& its usally me saying it bc im the only 1 who has the fucking balls apparently bc I DONT WANT 2 PUKE. & my mother cries so easily from him but she also abuses him & UGHHH ITS SO ANNOYINGLY COMPLICATIED

oh its also awful when my mother drives tho bc she drives drunk if were hanging out. like only if its me & her & omg i let her get away w/it way 2 much.

trying 2 convince her 2 pull over bc shes having a panic attack while shes drunk is not fun. on the interstate. its not fun.

like thats not all its just oh so tiring mann ughh woe is me i suppose

theres many times also when my father will just abandon 1 of us on the street. like ONLY if its only 1 of us in the car tho bc if theres another person they would prolly protest

ive been l8 2 school((& lost)) multiple times & man i got so many detentions bc i just couldnt wake him up which fair on that but god god god fucking damnit

just the power move of trying 2 get the other person 2 shut up bc ur having an argument by threatening 2 leave them on the side of the road or 2 not drive them somewhere or not pick them up is smth my dad consistently does 2 this day. not 2 me much anymore bc ive “learned my lesson” & i can usually talk my way out of it but he did do it 2 my mother like 2 weeks ago bc of such dumb reasons

it was so frustrating trying 2 express myself about trans shit & then getting like told he would force me out if i kept getting upset @ him so i just shut up about anything gender related until i was 18 bc that was the rule

& its useless bc i dont even have a say 4 myself still so who gives a shit i h8 everyhting it makes me so sad like y did i just let myself do that? y did i let myself intentionally get hrut?? bc i was scared?? i fucking guess. bc i wanted 2 prove myself? i had false hope. like its so frustrating

its apparently normal 4 families 2 fight but i dont like it. “ofc u would prefer ur friend u dont fight” like i think thats how its supposed 2 work?

then getting told “oh thats just how our family is. no1 would get us were unique were not like the other sheep families” like FUCK THAT i want 2 eat DINNER W/U

shout out 2 never eating dinner 2gether so when i did @ friends places i was scared & awkward

haha. fun. shout out 2 explaining im scared of helling but telling my friend im not when they do it then them telling me “thats not normal” i said yeah it is

i think about that a lot. bc i think thats when i rlly started 2 realize how not normal my family is. back in like elementary school.

my brother telling us his friends dont like them((our parents)) bc theyve been scared of them. like huh. when u dont grow up in a toxic environment ur able 2 tell when somethings toxic! go figure

& its rlly frustrating bc IK my parents r not inherently bad ppl. they care 4 us in their own fucked up way. they tried their best. they want the best 4 us & vowed 2 not let us grow up like them.

which, in a roundabout way actually did make is grow up like them but in like a different font.

my father has talked about not wanting us 2 b afraid of him bc he was afraid of his dad bc he would beat his ass. he didnt want us 2 worry about money.

but in a weird way that like, did make me incredibly afraid of him.

bc he worked all the time 2 get money, he was stressing himself out((& it wasnt just 4 my brother & i it was also bc my mother was pressuring tf iut of him & berating him about it)) but BC he was always working i never saw him. so when i did see him he was tired but he has insomnia & cant sleep 4 shit so he would drink 2 go 2 sleep

but he would drink a lot

but the drinking made him drunk of fucking course so he would argue w/mother & so eventually all i came 2 know him as was some1 who only yelled & fought

& that makes me scared of him.

hes forceful. hes self righteous. hes aggressive & if u dont think of him as right he will make u.

& he still is all of these things its just toned down bc hes stopped drinking as much. which has raised more probelms but i cannot b bothered 2 type them out hell no

but hes often told me that he fucked up more than his father. bc of the memory thing yk? when i told him i rlly dont have any good memories of him he broke down bc while he was scared of his dad, he still loved him & admired him. he had memories of his dad teaching him 2 fish & things like that

& i can tell hes improved as a dad i think. i mean im trying 2 b more supportive about it then my brother

giving him space when he finally gets sleep like,,, normal etiquette & also letting him vent 2 me or ask me uncomfortable questions. i try 2 answer them so he understands yk

i also try 2 push him 2 think himself tho bc he rlly just cant think outside of his bubble. like its extremely annoying. he will talk about how smart he is then say how the media is all liberal so he watches fox news 2 combat that like i get it i just want ppl 2 approve ur fucked up world view holy shit

but i can see him realizing like, what it is not 2 b such a hard person bc when i hugged him when he came back from a trip, he like, remembered

he was tired((3 days no sleep)) & just drove back but when he came home i gave him a hug bc idk, im a physical affection person & it kills me 2 b uncomfortable w/affection so ive been working on that. but also it just looked like he needed it

but he told me the next day about how much it meant 2 him so mayb hell understand?? sonething?? that i dont h8 him exactly,,, i think. but that i treat him the way i do bc of how hes treated me? & when hes less of a shit bag im less allergic 2 him?

idk that feels like how my mother treats him which puts a fowl taste in my mouth but i swear on my life its different. like i swear im not trying 2 manipulate him in2 doing what i want

which he seems 2 think i do try 2 do that? mostly in ways like of trying 2 make him think differently

which i will not deny. i would rather him not b transphobic & racist & whatever but hotdog its hard

this seems 2 b a common trait among all my family tho. when i try 2 explain a concept & then them telling me i got brainwashed by the media?? like mayb but also im not a h8ful person just bc of some1 existing so i think thats alright

its like the 1 point i can talk w/my mother tho. like its the only time she will listen. ALSO WHEN MY BROTHER SAID HE UNDERSTOOD THEY/THEM PRONLUNS?!?!? HOLY SHIT!!! i mean i dont use them BUT THE FACT HE ACKNOWLEDGES THEM MAKES ME SO HAPPY BC IT MEANS HE HAS BASIC HUMAN RESPECT

i mean did he out me 2 my fathers side of the family & now im scared 2 talk 2 them? yeah

but thats just bc i havent talked 2 them since i was in diapers & then when i did it was strange bc they were so normal ((minus the slight racism but they just,,, r white & live in utah. like seriously i like tea bc its good nor bc im asian & my hair is a natural color its not dyed. no u cant touch it???? no i dont speak asian wtf)) snyways but they did grow up mormon so hahah afriad

y r u as a man a mormon? u want more men? huh? is that it?

no but anyways yeah im scared of them. which is strange bc theyre rlly nice

but i think i just cant accept ppl in my family bing nice & accepting 2 me bc its rlly scary. like. i have cousins. i have fucking cousins & theyre younger than me & im scared of them

even on my mothers side im scared of my family

& its not just that but ive convicned myself that i feel alienated from them bc im also half asian so i just dont “fit in”

i dont. look like them. i dont have sinilar intrests im weird y am i crying

fuck y is it so hard 2 make human connection 4 me mannn like its rlly annoying i just want 2 b hapoy & talk 2 ppl but ive convinced myself every1 h8s me & my existence & that im annoying & irritating & have nothing if value 2 contribute 2 every so y would i bother them or any1 & i h8 myself 4 it so much

like no fucking wonder i like that fucked up fox boy sm r u shitting me. this shot stinksss mannn

& it also hurts bc my brother called me dumb 4 thinking like this bc hes never ever thought of it b4. which

fair enough ig

he doesnt care much 4 things like that.

but ig i just do

i think it all stemmed from my mother always pointing out im HALF asian like ALWAYS correcting me. & it just spiraled from there bc when i was younger i never even noticed i was asian yk what i mean? childhood innocence “i didnt see color” lol

but whenever i started 2 grow up & say smth like “its so strnage that ive noticed ppl dont eat rice 4 ever meal! bc as some1 whos asian-“ then she would cut me off & say “HALF asian”

& honestly it fucked me up 4 no goddamn reason.

like literally who cares. i say. as im crying tears. like i rlly dont understand y i care sm but it jsut hurts

like i dont feel whole. i dont belong in 1 or the other & its stupid ik but my brain still convinces me its true.

that bing said its always strange bc ppl consider me just asian. like i never had 2 clarify so it makes me wonder y my mother feels so vindictive 2 do so

like in 7th grade we were doing this gene thing. & guess what, the 2 asian kids were paired 2gether. so we basically just asked about facial features & based on the score we got we would b put in2 a certian number group

which makes sense ok its like basic understanding of how genetics works 4 beginners

but when calling the numbers, we both stood up 4 like number 13

& ONLY US

every1 turned 2 look @ us when a kid went “woah & its the inly asians” like ok lmao

but it just kinda makes me think about how no1 fucking cares that im wasian. im just asian & white. im both.

i am not a percentage of 1 that will tell me if im more white or asian it doesnt rlly work like that. u cant split me in half & say this is the white side & this is the asian side.

logically.

emptionally all that shit gets thrown out the middle bc of fuckign course ur half & half u twinkie bitch

i feel like ive lost the point of whatever im typing

it was noce 2 just kinda vent about it whicj i do way 2 often lol

will i post this? mayb mayb not. it is noce 2 post these tho bc 1, this is my blog its me. 2, it makes them feel lore real

like less imagination i suppose?

idk. wheneve i share these thoughts or recount these memories 2 my family it always gets pushed aside so i just kinda, want them here. ig

i mean ok i havent actually shared some of these thoguhts 2 them. like i mostly avoid talking about my od bc they dont want 2 hear about how they make me h8 myself way more than i alr do & when i even slightly hint @ that shit they press me more like “what did i dooo” like ok let me go down the list again

then jts the whole “prove it” like shit alright i have some recordinfd from thr last 2 hrs but thats it do u want those? no? u dont? bc they make u upset? ok

i got a christmas card from my grandma & grandpa & my grandma wrote about how she was interested in my like etsy store & wanted 2 hear morr about my adventures

which is crazy bc i havent talked 2 them since,,, shit like the last time i talked 2 them lol uhhh b4 they moved away. like way b4

but the fact that she remmebered is insane 2 me

its the same way i feel when my mother remmebers my favorite color is pink or when she knows i like tmnt

like when j started getting in2 comics & talk her about the last ronin & how i wanted 2 read it bc uhm guess who my fav turtle bro is. but i didnt expect he 2 remmeber snything or b interested @ all but she got me the whole fucking book

off of like amazing yk. but she saw that & got me it & thats insane 2 me

my mother often tries 2 buy back my affection which unfortunately works bc she actually lsitens 2 me

like 4 christmas she got me a new keyboard thats quieter bc ig she remembered whne i told her that my brither conplains that my keyboard is 2 loud @ night so i wanted a new 1 so i didnt wake him

& just

its things like that when ik she genuinely cares about me. like, how i remmeber her when i was younger, b4 she put on some sort of persona all the time

not that she buys me shit btw bc i rlly wished she stopped doing that but the fact she listens 2 me. like woah.

like she KNOWS i like flash & superman!! LIKE SHE KNOWS I LIKE THEM BETTER THAN BATMAN!! SHE KNOWS THIS!! i mean she cant rlly recall my favorite characters but i dont expect her 2 im honestly just super impressed he cared that much about my interests @ all

it makes me like glad. in a say like how my friends would remember my favorite characters. like when ie wtched toilet bound hanokokun i like tsukasa aka his brother fav character right there & MY BESTIE WAS ABLE 2 TELL THE DIFFERENCE BTWEEN THE BROTHERS BC THEY PAID ATTENTION 2 ME??

like they knew i love tohru from dragon maid & that i live snufkin so dearly they got me a silly gay ass moomins hoodie 4 my birthday

or that i called myself a dogboy as a silyl bht semi yk real bc haha cope cope cope & THEY GOT ME DOG EARS & I JUST

i regret so much bcoming scared of them

like i fear how bad of a friend that i am that i distanced myself from them bc im convinced they h8 me

but when i remmeber these things im like no obviously they cared enough 2 listen 2 u & also share interests w/u & hang out w/u on fucking skype & play ur games cause u played theirs & its so stupid im so stupid

im such an idiot i want 2 talk w/them again

theyve been my best friend since 4th grade ive known them since i was in 1st & they were the 1st person i came out 2 & when i thought i was about 2 b h8ed & casted aside they said no u idiot i care 4 u holy shit im an idiot

y am i so scared of them y do i not thijk im worthy of their time theyre my best friend i miss them

so much

i love them sk much & ive neve tild them bc ive been scared 2 say it 4 so long till this yr bc i genuinely love ppl & i want them 2 know i regret it so much

ive always been afraid of being close 2 them like sitting in the same bed or couch 2 watch a show bc ive always been sfraid o how bad i smell cause ive been told my entire life that i smell like shit bc i fucking do bc im 2 fucking broken 2 take shwoers ir properly take care of myself

but they wanted me 2 they wanted me 2 & i dont undertsnd & i feel so bad 4 not letting myself get closer bc when i ddi 2 another frind & they told me i dont smell like shit i dont know i dont knoww

i miss them so much ive hugged them like once & i want 2 do it again but i definitely dont deserve it after distancing myself like this

& it sucks bc this is exactly what my parents want man

they h8 their family & them bc they “changed me”

which rllt just means they made me more comfortable bing myself but whatever. they made me “loud” they made me “trans” ((even tho i came out 1st 2 them???” they r manipulating me & THEY STILL BRING THEM UP DISPITE ME NOT TALKING 2 THEM IN LIKE 7 MONTHS,, & that was just over text

i rlly miss them i miss all mybfriends but i dont think they should deal w/the baggage that is whatever the fuck i am mannn

i just rlly hope they dont think of me bc it will bring on bad feelings & i dont want 4 them

im sobbing way 2 much i started making sound

yk i was just quietly sobbing b4 but i started thinking about mt best friend & i just couldnt hold it back in this sucks

every since i considered them a friend my parents have been telling me how theyre awful & manipulate me

& how they dont like them or their family & i think its a pile of horse shit bc if anything were the manipulative bastards like tf & its partly my parents fuslt that i dont interact w/them bc i just cannot take my parents bing awful shit bags 2 them & their family 4 litterly just existing

i can take transphobia directed @ me whatever but the instant any of them being up them i lose it. i scream i yell i push away

like its so fucking aggravating.

i dont think theyre perfect. they dont think theyre perfect ik that. but the fact that my parents theink they & i do is SO ANNOYING

stop basing everything u belive in on fucking fiction, i dont live in ur imagination

i sm real. they r real. were ppl mot concepts u can play around w/& i cannot wrap my head around how that doesnt make sense

i miss my best friend

i miss bing a kid, but in the way i was hapoy bc i ddint understand or care 4 these things

now i can grasp them slightly better & my brain turns them agaisnt me & hurts me 4 no fucking reason so now i i want 2 just disappear & woopsie daisy fuck me blehhh

did yk i cant play muliplayer games bc they make me cry? i get so scared of playing w/other ppl that i start panicking & crying

but i played w/my friends bc they like multiplayers & they would accommodate 4 me & hype me up & i fucking miss positivity so much

bc like i would play like idv right? my im so insecure anout my skill & my friedn was higher rank so they used an alt account 2 pkay w/me even tho they said i was good enough 2 play w/their main

like its such a nice thing that i dont think theh noticed they said or did they were just. functioning as they normally did as a nice fucking considerate person & i crying iver it

im fucking crying

& i stopped talking 2 them bc im as asshole. & when i told them y i want them 2 stay away they said but ur not. but ur not ur just a dick sometimes & i want 2 cry bc wtf is the difference mann ejfjk what is the dofference

im so scared 2 reach out despite constantly crying out a call. ill work up 2 it i want 2 i need 2 i just rlly want 2. i just panic so fucking much i start crying like literally whats wrong w/me

whats the difference btween talking on tumblr & talkiing on discord/msgers?? what is it??? i dont know

my headaches gone down slightly now so im going 2 make food 4 myself

& prolly cry some more anyways

[rosebramblewolf]

ok after my post about the phone game earlier im aware this is going to sound like ive been hacked by advertising bots or something but i promise i havent

so anyway

i never thought i would be the kind of person who shells out for a box of pre-prepared meals to be shipped to me every week, however a number of factors have conspired to make that the case

i have never been the kind of person who cooks consistently. im just not. i always tell myself im going to do it and then i dont do it, i only cook when i feel like cooking and have the energy, and while i was working and now that im chronically ill those two things just dont coincide very often at all.

i can buy frozen meals at the grocery store like everyone else, obviously, but we can all agree most of them are not great right? bc most of them are just not great. and so there comes a point where im thoroughly sick of the like, 3 tolerable frozen meals i buy, which are nutritionally not the best in the first place by the way, and then

i impulsively buy takeout whenever im hungry an dont feel like eating something i already have in the house. this is also nutritionally not ideal.

i am also way too lazy to get up and drive out to pick up the takeout when i could just pay an extra $5-10 to have someone deliver it to me, so i waste a lot of money on that.

half the time i decide to try a new takeout place or something and it turns out to be bad. and then i eat enough of it that im not hungry anymore, and put the rest of it in the fridge, and never eat the leftovers. this is also hugely wasteful bc when i get takeout i try to get enough to have at least one or two meals worth of leftovers to justify the expense of delivery. so the upshot is i end up buying, at premium prices, a bunch of food im not going to eat.

so it turns out paying $10-12/meal for something i can just pop in the microwave whenever, that i am actually going to eat, in a reasonable variety of different stuff, with real nutrients in it and vegetables and stuff, is not only healthier for my lifestyle but i strongly suspect cheaper than what ive been doing. for, i cannot stress this enough, better quality food than what ive been eating.

so im eating my first factor meal right now, its actually delicious. its almost delicious enough for me to stop being pissed that they delivered it to the leasing office and i had to drive over there, have someone carry the giant box out to my car, then drive back here, bring grocery bags out to the car, and open the box and carry the contents inside in multiple trips, because i am a weak little kitten. but not quite.

(i have already contacted customer service to make sure they bring it to my door in the future. if it happens again im raising hell.)

[yes-asil]

(sorry if this ask goes through multiple times my internet is WACK)

i have!! a ghost boys question!! (absolutely adore these past few pages btw, as a comicfury reader pages 470-473 have been SO cute and im literally crying with joy that theyre reunited ive missed them sm its unbelievable i care them so much ANYWAY)

so i read your fic on ao3 a while back and for no reason in particular, definitely not writing a fic, can i ask for details abt matt and sickness? not like the chronic passing out/near death biz he deals with when hes suffering from ghosts, i know thatll get explained later in the story, but like if he were to get a normal illness. like. say. theres this thing of stress fevers popping up for people who work themselves too hard and you mentioned matt having fever in your ao3 fic which i was rereading earlier because its SO good and i love it but like that fic was focused on the coughing and his lungs giving out lol and i am just wondering if perhaps you would be willing to share how hed deal with being like... aware of being out of commission. being able to feel the fever and physically not being able to be unconscious bc of like the insomnia aspect because i feel like he can be so nonchalant because hes never conscious when hes miserable so just curious on how hed handle having no choice but to acknowledge it. how hed deal with having normal person illness that isnt him about to die. in my head hes ofc going to keep working anyway and make things worse bc thats how he is but i would love to hear your thoughts if you dont mind giving them!!

for no reason in particular. there is definitely not already 1k words of this which will not spiral into something more ahaha wink thank you for all you do this comic makes me so feral(/positive) my friends have learned of the boys through osmosis of me not shutting up every time a new page posts

I'll start this with an: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So happy you like the comic so much!!! And that you rope other people into it is so fun, I'm glad you like my boys!

As for the question; Matt ignores feeling bad no matter for what reason. In his head he just goes "what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger" before he proceeds to knock himself out. When he wakes up, he continues the cycle until his body is back to normal by sheer force of will. It doesn't matter if it is a week long sniffly nose, a dry cough spell that lasts a month or his funny little ghost powers pulling him under. He WILL work and he WILL make himself useful.

The only times he accepts defeat and goes to bed to rest while actually awake are when Lukas' worries so hard it makes both of them want to cry and when Cathrine starts using her soft "I'm really worried right now I can't even act harsh" voice.

He acts pretty much the same then, just a bit huffy and restless

[astranauticus]

post mortem for my orv animatic bc i have lots of thoughts and yall are gonna hear all of them (that is a threat)

first is the obligatory special thanks/plagiarism declaration section but a lot of the shots in this are inspired by the original changgwi lyric video which like. please watch it there's a reason this song is a classic animatic song on bilibili like the music is good but the video definitely helped. also speaking of bilibili, special shoutout to this arknights chongyue animatic that introduced me to the song that will haunt the next 8 months of my life!

the original inspiration was the thought that the verse of the spirit telling the story of its own death felt very yjh coded but it took like another week of stewing on it to have the idea of using the final chorus for the dkos arc which was the moment i decided i have to actually make this thing

going strictly by when i started putting pen to paper (pencil to ipad screen? whatever) this took almost exactly 5 months since i created the first drafts in february but the first 3 months ish from february until may were also my school semester so. most of the progress (id say about >60%) was done in the last two months of me working on this every moment i wasnt at work (or playing project sekai, for some reason)

also! funny little detail but counting the drafts and some discarded frames my procreate stack for this thing has exactly 49 artworks in it! neat little easter egg i guess (yeah 51 wouldve been more fitting but whatever)

this fully slipped by both me (at 2am) and my friend whom i sent the finished version to (fighting the flu) but in the final edit i didn't actually include the second half of the last lyric?? it's 'i will take you to the mountain god' i apparently just wrote 'i will take you' and never finished the rest LMAO

speaking of the lyrics i dont speak korean and im not a huge fan of most english translations of this song that exists so on multiple occasions i was so tempted to just use the chinese cover someone on bilibili did because then i'd at least be confident i know where the fucking line breaks were (there's one line at the end where im pretty sure i didn't edit on the line breaks correctly but that was more of an intentional compromise because the timings would've been off otherwise. anyway) tbh the only reason i didnt do that is the atmosphere and delivery of the original song is. really unbeatable like the cover's also pretty good but it doesn't quite achieve the same effect

also speaking of things i fucked up im aware i drew sys in the wrong outfit for the dkos fight but like. ok full disclosure my orv reference folder is a complete mess (theres like 400+ images in there. for some reason) so on net ive gotten character outfits wrong while working on this thing like at least 3 times bc id just grab a random webtoon screenshot from my folder and go w it. it's just that by the time i realised i fucked up i'd already finished drawing all of sys's frames and i was too lazy to go back and change all of them LMAO

anyway yeah some other random things i wanted to whinge about:

there's a lot of effects i wanted to do that didn't quite come across due to. lack of skill/time/patience/all of the above but the one im really annoyed about is the yhk postchorus bit with the 3 circles bc. first off i think i drew those while halfway dozing off on the train to school once because uh. yeah

anyway poor drawing aside id really wanted to recreate the sort of. drawn-in effect on the circles and lines that the original lyric video had but i could NOT for the life of me figure out a way to execute that in capcut so. here we are (also you cant put transitions on overlays in capcut so that's why those also looked so bad. youre welcome)

honestly my timeline for this in capcut looks pretty ridiculous bc if you want to do word by word animations/effects you need to pay for the pro version so my workaround was just to have like five thousand text layers with 1-2 words on it each (do not recommend btw)

speaking of the text im a moron so i kinda forgot to account for the text when drawing frames and wow you can tell. yeah next time im just hand writing the text fuck this

and i have some more thoughts that are. mild to moderate webtoon spoilers so past this will be the spoiler warning line

__________________________________________________________

actually my original plan was to upload this the day dkos dies in the webtoon but a. i genuinely did think it was gonna be yesterday like i dont pay for the early access episodes so i was just kinda going off orvtwt LMAO b. i could feel myself burning out on this like the last few frames i drew for this were fucking dogshit so i figured either i finish it soon or i wont finish it at all

i will probably still draw something for dkos' death day though for those who celebrate (basically when i was thumbnailing for one of the frames in this i ended up with one that didnt fit the video aspect ratio at all but still looks pretty good so im promoting it to a full drawing. so look forward to that)

like for an idea of how fucking sick of this shit i was by like. last week pretty much like for the last few frames of the dkos fight i straight up forgot to draw dkos' wings and had to add them in halfway through editing last night. like that's how fucking out of it i was by then lmaoo

looking back its actually kinda funny cuz the whole put this up when dkos dies thing was my plan since february but i had literally no way of knowing when that would be especially since the webtoon stopped going with the novel chapter numbers exactly (i could.. guesstimate but my original estimation was in june so yknow. real useful) but like i can find evidence of me panicking about that deadline since may. why did i do that

given that deadline i knew i cant really include stuff from the novel past the dkos arc but man. the amount of times i wanted to use something from later (ESPECIALLY 1863 arc). i actually have another idea i want to test out thats like full epilogue spoilers partially because working on this for so long made me realise i really want to make more epilogue content <- what

yknow how i mentioned discarded frames yeah i had to draw dkos' death 3 times because the first two compositions just never quite panned out. i mean the current one is also pretty unreadable with the colour scheme but trust me the previous ones were way worse christ alive

[sootspiders]

week 7: good news: i think I have thought of a better way forward into act two

bad news: it would involve scrapping and rewriting the last 25,000~ words because I need to change the inciting incident and thus most of those events need to happen elsewhere or don't need to happen at all

I am still committed to NOT starting over right now, i'm just going to try to summarize the new act 1 and then just write act 2 already in case I come up with yet another way I'd need to rewrite act 1 to make act 2 work later down the road. it's going to be a little rough because a lot of my clarity and momentum comes from continuing off the scenes I just wrote, but being slightly disoriented for a few act 2 chapters is better than starting over again

this is why I can't comprehend how people just. write fanfictions chapter by chapter and post it as they go. what do you mean. what do you mean every step forward doesnt trigger yet another way the beginning needs to be rewritten. I have never written anything where I didn't have to write the beginning last lmao

edit: i'm writing this at the end of the week, anyway, i also added about 3150 words. a lot of those were old draft re-works (i only have maybe 2 or 3 more useable first-draft scenes left I think? and the final climax+epilogue, which has never changed (bc its what the whole fic was based on))

but idk. i mean, i DO feel slightly better about act 1, but ive felt that way several times. i don't feel like I ever really got unstuck after my initial progress slow-down around the start of january. going into act 2 makes sense, but not after i'm in it. like I have multiple ideas for what happens next but they dont seem to fit together or flow into each other in my mind :/ im certainly adding words but somehow still feel like im not getting closer to figuring out act 2. im trying really hard to just keep ignoring all my splintered ideas, even the ones that ARE important, because i cant figure out where to put them until i make a path to the end first. but god.

i just want to know what happens in act 2. i have been hitting a wall in roughly this exact same place since 2022. every draft and outline always flies off the handle here. i dont understand why or where to start with it. its not like im refusing to change it, it has changed directions entirely several times but every new angle is confused in different ways. i am stabbing darlings with wild abandon but none of the bloodshed has Fixed Me yet.

[midnighteloquence]

long overdrawn sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this is something that is extremely overdue and i hate to talk about it because this is a person that i really like (or used to i guess) but recently hes pissing me off so i got to thinking about stuff hes done and have decided to make a list! please use this to make judgements on him, thats what im gonna do since i still want to like him, ykwim?

im just gonna dive right into it ig… sigh

this is smth that made me feel soooo worthless and unworthy of love as it happened multiple times when i used to have a crush on him, but theres numerous times where he has gone from sweet and nice and smiley to literally so mean and avoidant. like one week he’ll be like “omg hii :)) wanna play roblox today?” and others it’ll seem like he genuinely hates me. and that really hurt me as it felt like i did something wrong and i didnt know what?? and whenever i asked what i did and asked if we’re still friends hed be like “wdym nothing happened”. if youre going to avoid me and be really fucking rude to me of course im gonna think something happened????? anyways i went on a tangent soz

terrible at communication. when you have to TELL him his flaws then he just deflects and sends memes and whatever. and then has the audacity to say IM bad at communication. at least id actually listen when being told what ive done wrong.

made a joke abt my depression (a couple times)

compared my mental state to his own because i “go out and draw”. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. all depressed people act differently. its like saying all depressed people are suicidal, no they arent. its like saying cutting is the only form of self harm, it isnt. there isnt one type of depression

when i told him about having been looked at in a swimming pool stall he jokingly said it was my fault for five minutes, before saying he was joking

the biggest manchild ive met. i thought it was C but then i found him. he will whine if you dont pay attention to everything he posts. and then points out people (🫵) that dont view everything he does

SO EGOTISTICAL. like please you arent all that

said “get better. because at least im trying” (not verbatim) which when you realise the context its so stupid. me saying characters are hot on my status isnt something i need to recover from. its fiction, it wont affect you, move on

at some point when he was going through another “im gonna avoid you and when im not avoiding you im gonna be mean to you” phase he has told me to stop being so ungrateful about my body (btw this was said when i was at an all time low and was extremely insecure about my body)

at some point i had asked to vent to him and said two things, and then a couple hours later he mocked me asking to vent to him (i had said “Can I vent to you?” and he said that exact same thing, just to say some stupid joke thing)

idk why but will always … me when i say smth about a character being hot?? like genuinely if youre tired of it then block me im not gonna change for you especially that (me liking fictional characters) bcs thats stupid

ANYTIME okay this is just a thing that peeves me but anytime i say something more than two words in a message he says “holy yap” STFU

dont act like you want me IF YOU DONT FUCKING WANT ME. DONT SAY ALL THAT SHIT, CALL ME PERFECT, SAY I CAN KISS YOU, ETC. IF YOU DONT WANT ME

this one time i was irritated (not at him specifically except i sorta was) and he was like “i will block you” as a threat (in a gc i think) and i said smth like “yeah sure if you dont wanna talk to me anymore block me its fine” and he was immediately so upset about it saying like “oh so you dont care?” like yeah i do im just saying if you dont wanna talk to me then dont ☠️

psychoanalysed my emotions and sent a video to me about crushes and how crushes are stupid and its just a brief infatuation, not love. and when i responded by saying “oh youre right it mustve been infatuation that i had because i really wanted to be in a relationship” he was immediately like “oh oh it makes me upset that you just used me as an outlet” no i didnt?? i didnt force anything upon you, never forced you to like me back, didnt even tell you i liked you till a couple months after i started liking you. i didnt use you as an outlet, i had just grown infatuated to you

called me deprived because i like fictional characters, and yet this entire list proves why i like characters more than actual men

every time i like a character he says im glazing when IM NOT. i am looking into a person’s character and i will go out of my way to learn more about said character so i dont mischaracterise them. i can point out characters flaws. like byakuya, (was gonna point out a flaw but id be here for ages analysing byakuya instead of talking about the actual subject). if i was glazing them, i would say that they are without fault, and defend them for every action, which i dont do

soz im really defensive about that

idk anymore

i ran out but theres definitely a bunch more. a lot of these are things i shoved under the rug because i do truly want to like him and every time hed be nice to me again i felt like he was a good person at heart, and that i could trust him with my life. but recently i am sure as hell disliking him. i really dont want to dislike him but the way my brain works is i’ll know when i dislike someone when they either reference my hyperfixations or “copy me/my mannerisms” and my brain immediately reacts negatively. if someone i love does it im very happy and when someone i dislike does it im peeved.

i think that youd like to know more stuff hes done other than be a baby, since ive kept a lot of this to myself and made sure i forgot it

[yourl0cal1ncorporealb3ing]

TW VENT AT SOME PARTS

(ALSO NONE OF THIS PROOF READ SO IT MAY NOT BE LEGIABLE I just wroet this and i already forgot half the stuff i wrote)

y'know the mix of horrid chronic fatigue and insatiable numbness and the dissociation just makes me feel like I missing out on life, I yearn to go outside, to go play, to have fun, just run around but I cant. I sit in my room on tumblr or youtube wasting the day away wishing I did something more productive. I feel like a husk of person I feel like Im in a movie theater alone watching the most boring movie ive ever seen, I feel lonely while also being too socially drained to watch and respond the the video my friend sent me. Not to mention when my parents used to fight, my moms road rage/anger issues, it caused me to fucking terrifed of conflict so sometimes I minimize my needs when around other people and constantly asking about things and if im doing it right but also worrying if im annoying them with all my questions because my grandma has gotton mad at me for that before i think either that or it was me asking why she loved my cousin more than me because she yelled and fought with my dad because i wouldnt give my cousin my fukcing chicken nuggets my dad bought for me like fuck you i mean im sorry grandma

The anxiety and hyperactivity of my ADHD spikes up at night so either i got to sleep and wake up in 13 hours or I can stay up till 4am, go to sleep and wake 13 hours (Just feeling a lot worse). Im literally shaking as I write this and i can tell if im just so fucking restless even if im fucking tired (its 3:38am) or anxiety or the entire kiwi strawberry monster I just drank Its ok im drinking water a lot of it i just need to get my thoughts out of my head because its like a thousond of the dvd bouncing tv screen in my head rn idk if its getting better idk if im gonna post this too maybe idk any ways im shaking oh btw i might have non-diabetic hypoglycemia and i have to get a bunch shots next week and I really hate the doctors it always makes me really scared and uncomfy n shit and idk why damn im shaking a lot. I almost freaked out bc i cant find my charger and my tablet almost died but i have another one ive been using so i just used that but i want to know where my charger went :(

istg ive been eating fucking pasta for the lat 3 weeks and i hate it i hate it i hate it HATE it every. fucking. meal. I cant. I have comfort foods I like and its mostly carby food like pasta so i eat pasta alot but since our oven stopped workin its all i know i can make that easy and i laike it but i secretly dread it so i have been eating a lot of candy to keep my brain happy but im not i should be happy ive been hanging with my frinds and its summr break but im just numb, i always am, yk the year I just finished? yeah for the majority of the i was fighting autopilot mode and disassociation but i was constantly in it i dont think i cant handle going to high school this year i think i might act pass out from exhaustion I barely survived middle school Im not okay i need something meds? idk I should not be this messed up i mean my family is great (yk...apart from the fighting which isnt that common anymore and moms anger issues) but theu love me so whats the problem? school school why is it so unoccomidating to neurodivergents same with ppl with social anxiety like i have had MULTIPLE bad panic attcks in class cause i had to do smthin in front of the class I fukcing hate the school system fuckfukcufkyoiuu school fuck the emercian school system FUCKYOUUUUUUUUU

Im too conflict avoident I cant

the afternoon feels so tiring in a stuffy way if that maks and sense i need to treat my FUCKING adhd already i can have music playing at all times thats not a good long term strategy to shut up my brain i mean ffuck i have music on rn and you can see my insane ramblings

anyyways I kinda think im a daave fiction kin (like DSAF) but im 90% sure im just and otherlinker and I just want to feel speacial or some shit but whos know i have the worst imposter syndrome known to man (I have almost every symptom of Cfs and my friend has asked if i have it but nahhh i defs dont) but also i had a weird experience once. I was like listen (its getting hard to type with the shakiness :0) ing to 2 dave and henry playlists and i kept listening to the henry one and I was in the car and i was falling and out of sleep when i saw like flash of dave but it didnt look like cannon dave he looked different he was mush more blue and he was leaning against a wall with messy longish hair and he had a hat and scars all over him and he had a purple buttoned shit that was fulled buttoned up and the perspective i saw was like a photo someone had taken and he seemed just chilling perhaps talking to jack? idfk but yeah theres my weird experience like the best way i can explain this feeling towards dave is "Idkk if i was you but probably mightve at some point like most likely at some point"

i hope i sound legiable (if i do post this AND someone actually reads this all) it is 4:08am and I feel too many things once i probably will sleep at 5 or 6 anyways byebye

[abcdosaka]

i have not posted on here in a while. idk various things have happened. but heres the most recent stuff.

this is sorta fresh (literally 2 days ago) but im mostly over it i think? i made a hinge account and briefly talked to this girl and i liked talking to her but i think i just dont know how to rizz someone up, or maybe ik and i dont have the courage to do it so i gotta play nice girl from the start. and i think our second phone call i was just kinda lacking in energy and i wasn’t texting her too often either. but at the end of it she was like lets just be friends going forward.

i havent really had any experiences before, like real ones where i was the one initiating everything, so it hurt, kinda like getting rejected for a job interview. i was like ig im just not outgoing or funny or charming enough but damn we talked like twice on the phone, we never even met up, that quick huh.

tbh i think i initiated slightly more and she was less interested and she also made it pretty clear she wasnt sure about getting into a relationship. idk its not worth analyzing. we do have a lot of similar tastes but if she wants to be friends she has to initiate and i might blow her off anyway i dont feel like talking to her anymore lol. or maybe ill respond but just really slowly. ik its giving nice guy/friendzoned. ehhh i might respond she was nice/friendly enough i just need time to get over it fully. i think this is a lets see how im feeling in a week situation. to be fair sometimes good friendships pop up out of bad experiences for me like i thought D was a huge dick when i first met him but we got along well for the time we knew each other

idk i would rather have someone who knows what they want and is certain about it too. but in the first place i dont even want to talk to ppl like its such a hassle texting randoms multiple days in a row. i got a couple other likes and i just ignored them. ive ghosted two ppl bc i just was sick of the texting going nowhere.

tbh i think im just sad bc my ego’s a little bruised. but idk that happens to me easily like applying for a job sucks and it hurts to get rejected and having a job kinda sucks too but its required. relationships, kinda the same but i dont think its required? they never seemed that great or fun or loving to me, prob bc my parents hated each other for 90% of my childhood. even when i see relationships in fiction im like oh cute but idk if i really need that.

im more upset that i dont really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. and im upset s didnt wanna meet over reading week. like besties for 10 years but you couldnt free up a space for me even tho i asked like 3 weeks ago. idk if i can even call us besties. i used to be so insecure abt what kinda friendship we had but now im kinda sick of this. maybe i should ask. i kinda hate feeling needy or sounding clingy though. idk i was pretty friendly in my response

she didnt even receive it T_T

idk she hasnt responded to any messages frequently for the past month so shes probably really busy but ugh i fucking hate this. i just wish she’d check in for once like “hey sorry ive just been really busy the past month and havent had the energy or time to respond but hopefully ill have some time soon”. cuz the thing is its kinda typical of her to flake/be distant/antisocial. like after we graduated hs she ignored my messages for a month and she promised not to do that again. and when we hung out for the last time before i moved for uni she overslept and i think shes done that two or three times since. its really frustrating when we dont get to see each other than often. so if i ask her its gonna be like this is an isolated incident but its not and im prob not gonna see her again after i graduate uni bc i wanna move across the country. and we almost never call bc everytime i ask she doesnt want to. i think thats just her hating calling but how tf else are we supposed to stay in contact when we live in different cities??? and texting for hours on end is fking annoying? same difference ik a bit hypocritical there but also, calling means u can multitask but texting means u have to focus solely on texting unless you wanna respond every 2 hours or even worse, every 5 minutes, theres no flow unless you pay full attention to texting.

and the thing that sucks even harder. is that we had a mutual friend, j, who was her BESTIE for middle school and almost all of highschool. (i had a crush on this chick btw but never told her and i kinda stopped talking to her in senior year). and j did the same fucking thing like she decided she didnt wanna talk to people she knew before highschool anymore and basically just slowly cut s out of her life. and s was so upset abt it she told me abt it a lot

see the thing is if i do confront her about ALL of this, i  think its gonna go the worst way possible. like we will slowly drift apart and im gonna lose my closest friend who probably doesnt even consider me at least one of her closest friends. and then im fucked. i mean im not fucked but im starting from ground zero.its really hard not having someone you know you can rely on. altho maybe shes not the most reliable and ive been coping by pretending im independent and dont need anyone for emotional shit. maybe im just catastrophizing. like on one hand, i truly am unsure enough abt our friendship that idk if she’d make an effort after i move real far. but on the other hand i am a known pessimist and i suck at this people bullshit. so idk if i should ask or not.

ugh i shouldnt have wrote this. i was like “if i go in depth on this post i wont be able to stop and then im gonna cry and i dont wanna cry. i should try to keep it light.” like lol. at least it was good practice for typeracer. im gonna do one race and go to sleep. this is frustrating

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

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1. I’m looking for a fic that takes place post canon, and its Xicheng. From what I remember LXC is doing horrible in seclusion and JC secretly hides his bell when he visits one day. They become friends while LXC is still in seclusion and one day, after LXC precious gift from his parents break, JC goes missing. JL tracks JC through his clarity bell but finds it at LXC’s place. LXC goes on a journey to find JC and finds him injured but with a replacement for his precious gift he got from his father. A very clear but beautiful crystal I think? That’s all I remember. @youkaimeimi

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2. Hi! i hope you're having a great day!! this blog is everything to me and it makes my day and makes finding fics so easy!! thank you for the hard work ^^ I'm trying to find a wangxian time travel fic. i don't remember much except that there was this one scene in the library. wwx travelled back in time and was with lwj and thought he was the only one who travelled back until they're in the library and lwj asks wwx about lsz and wwx is shocked that lwj is from the future. thank you <3

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3. Hi!! I had a request for the next fic finder if you don't mind! I don't remember a lot that happened, but it was some kind of au fix it. The scene I remember the most was the banquet after the end of the war at nightless city. Jin guangyao greets lan xichen and acts really personable to him and lxc is actually really uncomfortable from it. I think it had a nielan side pairing but jgy didn't know or something? And so thought he had a chance with lxc? I think wwx comes to lxc's rescue at some point too during one of their conversations. I'm pretty sure the fic was complete and mainly wangxian but thats what I remember most about it 😅 any help finding it would be fantastic!

FOUND? unstoppable by netrixie (T, 149k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Eventual Happy Ending, Wolf-shifter WWX, Shapeshifters, Slow burn, Unreliable Narrator) sounds like a scene at the end

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4. hello!! for the next fic finder, i lost this fic in the middle of my bookmarks and can't find it anywhere, it's a time travel fic, wangxian both come to the past and get together early. the thing is when the betrothal letter is sent, jc and jfm get suspicious, bc wwx has been different since "meeting" lwj, and they think lwj is doing something to him. the thing is wwx is way older, so he doesn't go around making trouble as much, and spend his time with lwj. jc and jfm still dont believe it but alow the betrothal.

hi! i'm the #4 anon from the last fic finder, and sadly, its not that one(altough ive read "here with me", and its very good). the one im looking for its in the cloud recess study arc. hope this helps!!

NOT FOUND Here With Me by iamwish (T, 50k, WIP, WangXian, Time Travel Fix-It, wwx turns this into a no war!au, Canon-Typical Violence, Period-Typical Homophobia, Bad Parent YZY, POV Multiple, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, WWX Has PTSD, and also depression sometimes)

FOUND? And Time Is But a Paper Moon by sami (M, 139k, WangXian, Time travel, Hurt/comfort, Canon typical violence, Getting together, Everybody loves/Nobody dies)

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5. Hello everybody,

I've been looking desperately for 2 fics for some weeks now. A) The first one is modern AU. Wei ying is a nurse and when he drives to work he listens to lwj's radioprogram about classical music. They call a lot on the radio and i vividly remember wwx drivi g past an owl statue that looks like a dick. B) The second one is an areanged marriage au. It has something about courtshiprules in the title i think. Its also an abo. I think wwx was some kind of general and is married of to lwj bc jgs thi ks he'q to strong? Im not sure. Thank you for the hard work! @follyfallenflapdragon​

Hello! Nr5 here! Thank you for finding the 1st one! That was what i was looking for! About the second one, i remember a scene in which wwx and lwj are spending a heat together and have locked thelselves inside their house. One moment, a servant is bringing them food and lwj almosy kills him for coming to close. Jiang yanli tries next bc she is worried wwx is not eating and she is allowed to come closer. I hope this ringes a bell in somebody's mind! Thank you!

5A)

FOUND! Cantabile by MonocerosRex for captain_apostrophe (G, 2k, WangXian, Modern AU, Radio host LWJ, Fluff, Meet-Cute, Dialogue only, Swearing, Humor)

5B)

FOUND! Three Letters, Six Etiquettes by 2501987 (M, 24k, WangXian, XiCheng, Royalty AU, A/B/O Dynamics, Arranged Marriage, Angst and Humor, Idiots in Love, Eventual Romance, BAMF JYL, Family Feels, Awkward First Times, Bad Sex, Wedding Night, Domestic Fluff)

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6. hello dear mods and lifesavers!

thank you endlessly for the wonderful public service you're doing. i was wondering if you knew of this fic: modern au, where wwx, who disappeared and left everyone, randomly runs into nhs, gets drunk at the party they're at, and egged on by nhs drunk dials lwj to tell him he's the love of his life. after this wwx and lwj start talking a lot on the phone, and eventually wwx texts lwj his address so lwj can come.

other random details i can remember: nhs is married to jiang cheng and probably orchestrated this whole thing, wwx is friends with the wens now and works in a sex shop (i think together with wen ning?). thank you so much! @teresis​

FOUND! Love Don't Belong To Me by airinshaw (E, 28k, WangXian, Modern AU, Getting Together, Kissing, Intercrural Sex, Light Angst, Happy Ending, PTSD, Panic Attack, WWX's canonical self-esteem issues, Canonical Child Abuse, not as dark as the tags imply, Past Relationships mention)

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7. Hi mods! Do any of you remember that fic where lwj accidentally transfers back into time and everyone is "omg its QHJ" and wwx is like "Lan Zhan!!" I've already checked the time travel tag and I don't see it there....

FOUND? 💖From the Future for the Past by friedchickenlord (G, 27k, wangxian, time travel, fix-it, fluff & humor, happy ending, denial, pining, bullying ur younger self is in fact ok)

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8. hello! I'm looking for this fic where wwx is a footballer and lwj is a ballerina and wwx's footballl team comes to lwj's ballet school to learn ballet? I found the fic for the first time from you guys too. so i think you might know it.. Thank you in advance and keep up your great work!! <3

FOUND? varied my velocities by fantasiavii (E, 58k, WangXian, Modern AU, Ballerina LWJ, Football/Soccer player WWX, Enemies to Lovers, Top WWX/Bottom LWJ, Dom WWX, Angst with a happy ending, Internalized homophobia)

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9. Y’all I’m legit losing my mind trying to find this fic. It’s post canon and WWX is on a night hunt and the Lans come to help him. I think WWX was being haunted? Anyway the major point is that he had this box of letters he’d been writing and the ghosts basically sensed that he was lonely so they wouldn’t leave him. The juniors end up getting into the box at some point. I’m afraid it might’ve been deleted, but if anyone remembers it or has it downloaded I hope they’ll respond. Right now it feels like I made the whole thing up 😭

FOUND? the dock of the bay by Haysel deleted, but available on the Wayback Machine; the January 26, 2021 capture has all download formats except html

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10. Hello! I’ve been trying to find a specific fic I closed before saving, but I understand if you can’t find it since my memory is shoddy at the best of times. The fic was set during the sunshot campaign. Jiang Cheng was angry at Wei Wuxian and hit him with Zidian, and because wwx didn’t have his golden core anymore it stopped his heart/hurt him very badly. Wwx doesn’t die, but his core being gone Might have been revealed? That’s all the information I remember. Thank you for the help!

FOUND? these colours fade for you only by doodlebutt (T, 36k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everybody Lives, Golden Core Transfer Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, bed sharing, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn)

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11. Hiya im looking for a fic that is untamed x among cross over where wei ying give his anti imposter healing meds to his brother and get infected and when they land lan zhan starts studying him, all i really remember is tentacles grow from his chest and he later names them and at the end lan zhan turns into an imposter with a long tongue. @trisketandpadquackie

FOUND! no innocent among us by ficwriter103, frostferox, lovingryuu (T, 72k, WangXian, Space AU, Tentacle Sex, Tentacle rape, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Body Horror, Alien Biology, Explicit Sexual Content, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Suicide Attempt, Switch WangXian)

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12. I'm looking for a fic I remember only one scene. It's a modern fic and there was a scene where LWJ & WWX were dining together. The food was very spicy and LWJ had a strong reaction for it, got like really overwhelmed.

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13. L-xiansheng and C-guniang? Perhaps someone out there can help me identify a fic (and this would’ve been a fairly early novel-compliant and post-canon one, circa 2019/20) in which WWX, under LWJ’s rigorous (and anxious) supervision, brings himself to the point of clinical death to experience what Inquiry sounds like.

FOUND! Inquiry, Reprise by EHyde (G, 1k, WangXian, Fluff)

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14. i lost a mdzs fic. All I remember is the wwx ended up in nie sect thinking he was a prisoner and jgy stole his letters and threatened jyl. He gets no letters so he thinks everyone he loved abandoned him.. Equally cos he's not replying they thing he's gone to the dark side. NHS gives him books ect and doesn't know wwx thinks he's not a guest. Tia if u know the name @eeeeeeeeeeeeagle

FOUND? Always walked a very thin line by tucuxi (T, 22k, WangXian, NHS & WWX, JYL & WWX, Depression, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Divergence, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, Oblivious WWX, Golden Core Reveal, WWX Has No Golden Core, Chronic Pain, Chronic Illness)

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15. Hello mojo, I was hoping you could help me find a fic. I dont remember the name and I have been looking for hours! All I remember is Wei Ying is about 5 years old, trying to save his parents but discover/witness Yu Ziyuan killing them. His uncle (on his father side), find him and take him to his kingdom/empire and explain about him being his fathers brother. I remember his father was taken away from home when they were attack and lost his memory. And he saves Madam Lan, (Time-travel, alte-univ)? @liznara

FOUND? Young Master Hua Ying by Mikaalpaca (T, 50k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time travel, Not Jiang Friendly, Immortal Cultivatiors, Massacre, Child murder, Child abuse, Revenge, Anger and Hatred)

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16. Hi, Thank you so much for this blog it js. Alofe saver! I am looking for a fic where Lan Qiren and Jin Zuxian visit the burial mounds and here the Wens stories from the camp. They confront the Jins about it and I know Jin Zixan forgets he branded some of the Wens. I cannot remember what it is called. Thank you

FOUND? ❤️Tragedy is Not the End by Hobbsy3 (T, 358k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Golden Core Reveal, Canon Divergence from Qiongqi Pass, Angst with a Happy Ending, mojo's post) chapter 13 is where lqr and jzx are listening to the wen if it helps

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17. Hello! I’m trying to find this fix where some rogue cultivators (I think) captures lwj and brings him to burial mounds as a gift for wax to get his favor? And they have lwj’s head covered so wax doesn’t know it’s him and after he finds out he goes crazy on those rogues. It wasn’t a long fic from what I remember. Also if you can can you reccomend more fics of the same kind where wwx goes crazy because someone hurt lwj? 😭

FOUND! I’m 99% sure this one is How to piss off the Yiling Laozu in one simple step! by Eicas (T, 3k, wangxian, kidnapping, hurt/comfort, pre-slash, hurt LWJ, mojo's bookmark)

SIMILAR Crimson Scars by ShootMeDead (T, 1k, wangxian, post-canon, protective WWX, YLLZ WWX, BAMF WWX, hurt/comfort, hurt LWJ, fluff & angst)

SIMILAR the field meets the wood by astronicht (T, 7k, WangXian, Post-Canon, BAMF WWX, slight whump, Ritualistic, Self Harm, Canon Era, Tang Dynasty style, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, salt,  economics, [Podfic] the field meets the wood by semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona), [podfic] the field meets the wood by jellyfishfire, mojo's bookmark)

SIMILAR green flame, black flute, red ribbon by Fleetling (T, 3k, pre-wangxian, LJY pov, BAMF WWX, people will die violently for kidnapping the babies, hurt/comfort)

silk threads and precious metal by Sevidri (M, 5k, wangxian, hurt lan wangji, BAMF yiling lazou wei wuxian, mojo's post)

thrice as cruel by iliacquer (E, 15k, WIP, WangXian, BDSM, Switch WangXian, Kushiel's Legacy Fusion, Dubious Consent, Sex Work Courtesan LWJ, Submissive WWX, Dominant LWJ, Exhibitionism, Public Sex, Consensual Non-Consent, Canon-Typical Violence) warrior monk WWX saves courtesan LWJ from some abusive clients in Chapter 2

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18. Hello! So um I've been looking for this fic for the past 2 months and I've been through every relavant tag I could think of. If I remember correctly, it was a WIP. It is a canon-divergence after the fall of Lotus Pier. JC strangles WWX and leaves him there in the field. LWJ arrives and finds JC and JYL and asks them where is WWX. JC goes into hysterics and starts screaming about how WWX is dead because he killed him. LWJ goes to the field and has to conduct Inquiry to find WWX. There is a line that where WWX's spirit says his body is two li away. LWJ finds WWX's body and brings him back to the inn but orders all of the Lan disciples to not tell JC and to never let JC near WWX's room. But LWJ does inform JYL that WWX is alive though.

Thank you for all the help that you do, I've scrolled through the entirety of this blog for fics to read and am currently on my second re-scroll, haha <3

FOUND? a star called sun by thelastdboy (E, 65k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Heavy Angst, Self-Worth issues, Amputation, Situational Mutism, Slow burn, Angst with a happy ending)

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19. Looking for a fic which was a WWX wasn’t recognised au or something similar where LWJ says ‘I was nothing to him’ or something along those lines. Can’t remember if he was drunk or not.

afdjfld seems like I was mixing the fics together 😂😂😂 the first fic definitely has the scene but the tavern one is definitely from the second fic

hi! this isn't very helpful, but for #19 - i would like to ask op if these details also apply to the fic? - rogue cultivator 'wei zhan' who wears grey rescues mxy!wwx without recognizing him, and wwx decides to tag along, to lwj's irritation. wwx asks if he took yllz's name out of any relation/attachment to him and lwj says '^i was nothing to him'. wwx outs himself after they were attacked by a yao or smth, and lwj is hurt for a little.

FOUND! all i want is nothing more (than to hear you knocking at my door) by jojkees (saspa_melon) (G, 4k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post Resurrection, Getting Together, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, LWJ Getting Drunk, POV WWX) if it's not this fic then i deffo haven't read the correct one 😅

FOUND! To Have Found You Early by Porceline Blue (E, 10k, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Case Fic, sort of anyways)

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20. Hi guys! I’m trying to find a fic but I only remember one thing about it 🙈 LWJ was the god of devotion. Hopefully someone remembers that 😬

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Thank you for all the suggestions~

[haeroniel-doliet]

A lil updates and thoughts going on rn! Mostly about art again :') putting it under read more tho bc it got away from me again all rambly lmao

Hooo wheee! Life has been a little busy huh. Finally going to work again even if it is pretty much part time, other hobbies im keeping up with, trying to keep up on life admin and its going almost well! Shame im realizing i havent worked on my drawings in well over a month now 😅

Part of me is slightly dreading going back to them rn bc ive spent hours and hours on them already and they still need many hours before i post them....

You know that one guy on like tiktok/youtube shorts whos a really friendly old artist with a hobbit hole studio and does like 1hr paintings that look incredible? Obviously i dont expect myself being rusty and also not with years and years of experience to do the same but wouldn't that be the dream? To be able to just create and be done and happy with it in just an hour or a few and move on. How sad it is how many things i have started and not finished, outting in hours and hours where it doesnt really make even a super significant difference.

Also its that dinluke positivity week thing (god i hope this doesnt show up in the tag lmao sorry) i was really hyped months ago thinking its great prompts and great time to partake in my favourite fandom especially before february 2023 inevitably changes the scene in some way! But all of a sudden mid november is here and thats kinda terrifying! I have no clear idea for any of them, nothing im like desperate to draw and my current drawing doesnt really fit them either. Im thinking maybe i should try like, giving myself idk 2 hrs max to just make something beginning to end and if i hate it its ok i dont have to post it. But maybe i will and it could be fun! Sure i am too tired to properly do anything but idk, even making one post could give me excitement and hype for things i used to enjoy and something that isnt just real life and like job related.

To be fair i could also go for the much more guaranteed dopamine boost and play a video game ive been thinking of playing again for months. Sure i dunno which to choose and im not like super inclined to anything even tho i would like to play multiple of them again, just playing alone is a little boring i guess.

The more i spend just overthinking the quicker my sunday will be over and ill have to do next week and god knows ill be busy!! I should try drawing bc its there floating in my mind and could be easier to slip in into the day routine to do a little here and there rather than like, playing skyrim for 30 mins loll. Or oblivion bc for some reason ive been missing it. Or battlefront, even tho that is really hard to play without really trying my hardest and getting readjusted to the pace of it

Alright ok im gonna set up my digital art stuff, im gonna challenge myself to sketch something on theme for all the prompts and see what ends up catching my attention. If i can do 1 or even a couple of them thatd be really really neat!

[stanharu]

some beastars s2 ep1 thoughts!!

the op slaps, and yes, animation-wise its not as impressive as the first one. after watching it a few times i really feel like some parts were intentionally left more sparse bc they’ll be filled in with new/different animations as the series progresses, which will be rly exciting if this actually turns out to be true. it really is strange that it doesnt have any spoilers for this season and louis is completely absent despite him being a huge part of this arc.

so the ep seems to cover chapters 50-54, but a lotta stuff has been moved around, with some anime original scenes added too.

i thought it was a fine introductory episode to get ppl back into the swing of things. the ghost story bit was an interesting way to stitch all the scenes together, and i appreciate the new 701 content lol.

the one big thing that stuck out to me was that despite louis making a brief appearance in the first ep, we didnt get to see the big reveal that he’s working with the shishigumi now, which im a lil disappointed about. i really wanted to see this scene animated!!

ill be sad if this iconic reveal gets cut from the anime completely. this scene had such a big impact on me when i was first reading the manga.

i had a feeling that the flashback of how louis became leader of the shishigumi will be in episode 2, and the preview pics that were posted yesterday confirmed that. i’m really excited to finally see all the lions animated! i think since this first episode was very legosi focused, the next ep may be more louis focused? thats what im hoping anyway.

another part that kinda bothered me was that the scene that sets up gon's meeting with other species leaders to decide on the next beastar is in this ep, but then we go right back to the 701 boys’ antics, rather than seeing gon at the meeting immediately after, the way that it is in the manga. it looks like this will also be in ep 2. its a lil weird to me that they’d break these scenes up like that, but this may just be me nitpicking lol.

also the idea that cherryton just has an entire webpage dedicated to potential beastar candidates on their website is really funny to me.

lastly, the flashback of jack and legosi when they were younger was taken out, but im p sure it’ll just be moved closer to a more jack-centric episode later on. ive been really excited to see baby legosi and baby jack!!

btw did yall notice yahya’s name on the wall in the mid-ep eyecatch? 👀 i hope this is a sign that they plan to animate the rest of the series in the future... i really hope he gets a cameo at the very end of this season. and i hope his voice is Deep

there was no ed this ep, so im really curious what it’ll be like next week. i saw some speculation that since louis wasnt in the op that perhaps him and the shishigumi will be in the ed lol. i wonder if they’ll do multiple different ones like s1?? im not really counting on it but it’d be nice...

the animation is really nice as always and i really liked the voice acting!! legosi and haru’s awkwardness during the staircase scene really came thru lol. and legosi’s surprise/worry when he sees louis again was good too.

[ghostofcitrus]

realizations?? cool, cool...

brief warning : i mention transmedicalism and talk about my own body a little

okay so im seeing myself do the exact same shit ive done multiple times ive done when researching gender and stuff. it literally goes like this every time:

i start to think about gender a bit, it floats around the back of my minds for few weeks or whatever. the thoughts comes up more pressing occasionally, but overall it doesnt bug me, its kinda just there

i either think about it more, look at myself in the mirror a certain way, see someone come out, or get reminded of an identity (literally always one of the demigenders. demi-girl, -boy, and -gender have all been past identities/considered identities of mine). now its on the front of my mind.

i do something (when i was younger i layered sports bras, recently i cut my hair, that stuff) and im like fuck okay im really thinking about this now

i go through this back and forth with myself (which was like all my other posts) and eventually land on yes i do actually identify like this. i feel happy and think about the changes i wish i could make to myself (hair, no titties, name, pronoun change)

thennnn i find transmeds again. “you need dysphoria to be trans”. and i like lose my marbles. i start to think of both the discomfort i feel and the lack of discomfort. the best way i can describe it is a similar way i used to experience my sensory issues (before realizing they were sensory issues) : i dont feel like its bothering me, but when i do something that “helps” (i.e. noise cancelling headphones, experiment with pronouns, stuff like that) i feel soo much better!!

but then i start to think that if i had to live as a woman/girl, i would be fine. my life would still be good, id still be happy, all that. so i realize i dont expereince dysphoria, because its obviously not distressing to live as i do presenting fully female, and it doesnt impare my day to day life.

so i stop identifying like that, let it fade out of my mind, and go along with my life, and use the fact that i can do that as proof that im not actually nonbinary. i ignore what i really want and do like other “half” things, like wearing a minimizer bra, cutting my hair mid length, and i used to really hate my body but i worked really reallyyy hard to just accept it and love it. even if it doesnt really feel like me, i just dont really pay attention to it. i like what my body looks like. i think its a nice body,,, not that it actually feels like MINE. but regardless. and it seems that this comes back up every so often. and the process repeats.

anyways. the more i think about the fact that in my head i literally have always had a skewed prospective of my body that does not match what i see, the more confident i feel in identifying as nonbinary. as much as im logically aware that i have Big Boobies, im always surprised to see them/my general body shape. i think a lotlotlot of my self hatred came from that feeling. so like forcing myself to love it has been great...but that disconnect is still there. theres just like no/much less hatred that comes from it anymore. i wear more formfitting clothes and dresses and feel good or nuetral about it, something i really couldnt do before. but JEEZ thinking about having no boobs MM yes Please. being more androgenous but still feminine (idk if that makes sense lmao). and right now? the more i think about how much more comfortable id be like that, the more uncomfortable i am as i am(like, im actualy aware of my chest rn rather than the feeling that it literally doesnt exist til i see it then just :( ). ive never liked a lot of my features but i didnt ever think that maybe the hyper “femaleness” of it was a part of it. and that my desires for more nuetrality (wanting a more nuetral name, getting excited by nuetral pronouns, wanting no b00bs/lots of curves, loving my super short hair, etc) was more rooted in gender than self hatred, and so when i worked through the self hatred part i kinda started to just pretend it wasnt still there, bc i had previously chalked it up to self hatred bc i couldnt be trans/nonbinary without dysphoria right? (according to ppl) and i wasnt actually DISTRESSED by being seen as a girl! so i was just a self-hating girl. but now that the self hatred is gone but a lot of the underlying feelings remain... im re thinking. but still stressed idk. basically what im trying to say is i think i have more of an “issue” with my gender than i thought i did before.

but basically: ugh. if you would like to idkkk.... share thoughts/feelings/personal experience/validation thats all coool.... and very appriciated  

[ladysqueakinpip]

all odd numbers for the twewy ask

oh my. this could get long. i tried to answer as many of these in other posts just so this one isnt so long.

1. character(s) that first caught your eye/first favorite character?

already answered!

3. favorite partner(s) to have around?

joshieWAAA. his dialogue ALWAYS makes me laugh and i love the lighthearted missions throughout week 2.

same with fret. every moment with him is a delight. beat was good in og twewy but hes TOP TIER in neo. hes the absolute best version of himself and especially after. the sho incident at the end of wk1 having him during wk2 was necessary just for morale.

5. favorite pin(s)?

any of the rapid tap pins. my video game strategy has always been and always will be max out attack and hit as many times as possible so rapid tap is for me. i believe in neo i have neku equipped with yukimitsu (if thats the correct one i’m thinking of.... its a jupes rapid tap w/ fire affinity...) and its perfect for him. i REALLY love the pin a lot, its powerful and fast and is just a flaming slashing sword. what else could a girl want.

7. favorite clothing item(s)?

whatever the frick this is

on a more serious note, i made a collage of all of my favorite items

9. what platforms have you played twewy (and/or neo) on? if multiple, what’s your favorite?

both DS and switch. i definitely prefer the gameplay of twewy on the DS but i love the high definition artwork for the switch that im willing to struggle thru lol.

11. thoughts on the anime?

already answered!

13. what would you like to see in the future of the series?

already answered!

15. put together an outfit you’d like to wear, only from in-game clothing options!

im going to focus on clothes from neo because i cant look at these tiny icons from og twewy for much longer lol.

some of them arent complete outfits bc i couldnt find like pants or shoes that really spoke to me so i went mostly on vibes

17. what character(s) do you relate to the most?

already answered!

19. favorite scene(s)?

in no particular order:

anything with josh

the hachiko reunion in twewy

when josh and neku play tin pin slammer

when haz forces rindo to walk around with him in shibuya for like half an hour while rindo is having a mental breakdown

neku/shiki neo hachiko reunion :’)

that SCENE in neo where sho is attacking the team and beat offers to stay and hold him back and beat almost dies but you-know-who shows up at the last second (i LOVE that scene)

that bit in neo where beat jokes with neku about having another hachiko reunion and “you know who will be there -nudge- -wink- -wink-” like nekus giant big fat crush on shiki isnt obvious to literally anyone and everyone who breathes

does DDD count? because. that bit where riku asks joshua why the dream eaters dont attack him and joshua looks sad and wistful and says “i have plenty of dreams...”

also this:

21. how were you introduced to the series?

like many others I, too, am a "found twewy thru KH DDD" fan

23. favorite store(s) and/or restaurant(s)?

is it cliche to say ramen don? so many fond memories there....

theres a boba tea shop in neo that i always made sure to stop by if i was in the area (i think its on spain hill). theres a boba shop in my own town that i sometimes go to with my friends and i have a lot of memories of grabbing tea and walking through shops with them, so i want my little twoowee kids to have the same experiences with their friends :’)

25. freebie question – share anything notable to you, whether that’s a fun fact, a joke, an accomplishment you’re proud of, a glitch you encountered, or whatever else!

i already answered this one but i always have more twewy thoughts and ive been thinking about sho and beat a lot lately....

idk if this was intentional from the writers’ perspective (i picked up on it but its.... subtle). beat and sho’s roles in neo (especially regarding their roles within the wicked twisters team) oppose each other and its.... idk its real interesting to me.

like you have sho in wk1 who all the kids look up to and rely on and they THINK hes on their side, but hes a poor excuse of a companion and leaves them for dead at the end of wk1. then IMMEDIATELY in wk2 they give us beat, another strong and experienced player, and he adopts the role the kids desperately wanted (and NEEDED) sho to fulfill and beat does an AMAZING job. where sho was always absent & unreliable, beat NEVER left the kids and always emphasized how he would be there to carry all of them. he becomes the big brother they thought they had in wk1.

then in wk3 beat and sho go head-to-head. sho is the one who abandoned the twisters weeks ago, meanwhile beat is the one saying “go ahead without me” and is offering to be left for dead so his friends can be safe.

thankfully beat was fine but. very interesting how these two characters are the ones with a physical confrontation. i havent rly seen anyone talk about it and im not sure what point im trying to make here other than the roles for their characters clashed and complemented nicely.

[ao3-sucks]

my own ao3 experience was that i got into it when i was in a huge fandom that had a bunch of underage and incestuous pairings and fics. i really started getting into it when i was like fresh into middle school and not soon after that id start reading a bunch of explicit fics. basically pretty sure reading that stuff is what made me feel anxious around my 2 older siblings and like if i showed any kind of affection like even a hug or just laughing at a joke sometimes itd be seen as a sign of attraction. im in my 20s now and it still really affects me. i feel like less valid with my online trauma somehow bc i did it to myself lol.

  Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I got manipulated by an adult into writing an extremely triggering fic about rape and abuse between two young siblings, and ended up having to draw on my own traumatic experiences for it. I pretended to be okay with it, and let them say it was my fault it was like that, and when I finally got tired of hiding it and publicly called them out on it, multiple people defended them, using that pretense against me. I still haven't fully recovered from that. Sometimes I wonder if it really was my fault. 

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

thank you SO MUCH for this blog, I was groomed into thinking the wildest of things were acceptable by fandom people, and it wasnt until i was about 15 or 16 that i finally wised up and dropped the thinking once and for all. thank you again and have a really good week!

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I don’t really know how old the post that talked about the experience of one of the mods with ao3 is, but just in case, this is about that post that had mentions of r//pe and @“cest. And damn, I’ve never stopped to think that my aversion to sex maybe came from my early exposure to that kind of stuff, now I know that I’m asexual, but it’s comforting to see that I’m not alone in this, so thank you for sharing your story

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

god this is probably stupid and you dont have to post this if you don't want to, but thank you so much for making this page. ive had similar experiences in online fandom and ive really struggled with classifying any of it as "real" since it was all online. that post talking about your experience with everything was really eye opening for me. thank you for reminding me im not alone.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

wrt your ao3 essay // thank you for sharing your story about ao3. ive had some similar experiences, but i never interacted with anyone on ao3, just read ff. in around a 1-2 years of consuming that content, i had developed some psychosis relating to sexual trauma, but i never had anything happen to me so i didnt really know what to think. i was just scared. its nice to know that.. it wasnt just random? that more people are talking about this? something like that. thank you. i hope you are well.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

i just read through your experiences and while i was never really involved with fanfiction during my childhood, i WAS exposed to plenty of other weird interactions on other sites starting probably as early as 11  and just realized that me starting to use the internet more probably coincides with me showing similar things such as starting to hate being touched and consider myself asexual/sex repulsed. it was nothing that i'd considered to be that impactful or big a deal before and there weren't really specific people to blame, but i definitely don't know how to feel about this knowledge now.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

just read that post abt your ao3 experience and holy fuck, so sorry you had to go through that. but also, thank you. its scary to think tht ive cldve been in the same situation since i was browsing the internet from a v young age. i was huge into roleplaying and thereve been a few times where it became, uuh... not completely sfw (unknowingly to me, i just wanted to rp). but the moment it became too weird, i ghosted n blocked (i had a very anti-internet-stranger policy). again, thanks. take care

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I was 12 when I got my first ship. I got into it because of the cute art online and I never once thought about it being bad. It was pedophilic amongst other things. I just started writing fic, so I wrote for this ship. I was asked to write straight up human AU "porn where xyz is a pedo" by people far older than me. I didn't know any better, I wrote it and every other request like it. It go so bad that I though that pedophilia was OKAY. It took me so long to unlearn that and many other things because of that ship and I still feel bad for ever having shipped it. So when people say things like "fiction doesn't effect reality" it makes me mad. It teaches little kids that things like pedophilia and rape are okay.

I opted to answer these as a group because they are all so similar. It breaks my heart how often I get anons, post replies, and reblogs about my AO3 essay from people saying that my experiences closely mirrored theirs. I hope that everyone who has sent me these messages can forgive themselves for what happened to them, and know that it’s not your fault that other people decided to take advantage of you. I’m working on healing, and I hope you can all do the same.

- Mod Daft