#obviously everyone has to process changes like that in they’re own way and that would be all well and good

[trobedisontime]

Just started gotham season 5…most of its great!! However can I just say as a disabled person I hate what’s going on with Selina. I know they were trying to reference the killing joke but I just….don’t care? Cause the way they did it was so odd and it doesn’t make sense to do that to a character they obviously can’t make that big of a permanent change to so it’s just turned into a “character would rather die then be disabled” thing and … I kinda hate it… Might change my mind as I watch the rest of the show and this is obviously not a super coherent nuanced thought but yeah it’s just bumming me out

[puppetwoman17]

I’ve been wanting to talk about this but I thought it would sound weird and kinda Mary Sue like! Glad to hear that I’m not the only one.

I’m very adamant on Cap being a pillar in not only the magic community(cause of his Champion role obviously) but the hero community as well. He’s well-known for his heroics and impossible stories about battling sentient worms and being diplomatic with alien dinosaurs.

He’s also loved for the advice he gives. All Billy wants to do is bring smiles to these peoples’ days. He dishes out advice like it’s candy and always sees the good in people. He’s great at looking at situations through multiple viewpoints and understanding everyone’s thought processes. This in particular helps with the Superman and Superboy problem. He tells both of them individually that both of their hardships are valid. Clark is allowed to feel violated because his DNA was stolen and mutated in a way that was against his consent. Connor never asked to be created, always wanting Superman’s love but never receiving it.

They reconcile, and Billy doesn’t think much of it, because it’s what anyone would do, right? No biggie. He even does something similar with Red Arrow, convincing him that he’s not just a clone. He’s his own person. He built his own life. He has his own achievements. He shouldn’t feel bad for any of this because none of it was in his control. And Roy is so damn grateful because it feels like a weight has been taken off his shoulders.

Marvel just shrugs. No biggie.

He talks Leaguers through both personal and professional problems and guides them onto a simple, honest path because adults make everything so damn complicated so why can’t you just sit THE FUCK DOWN—

Ahem.

So he helps with that too. No biggie, right? Just another good deed.

He expands his one-way business to other teams too, like the JSA, the YJ team, the Teen Titans, etc. Spends time with each of them, helps them solve their own problems whether they’re big or small.

No biggie, right?

Fucking. Wrong.

The world of heroes absolutely adores him! The other hero teams look to him like he’s the cool uncle. Despite no one knowing jackshit about his personal life, they trust him wholeheartedly. They know he’s got their back.

That’s actually what hurts, tho. Whenever anyone asks him about his life outside the cape, he gets tongue-tied. Panicked. Silent. Doesn’t say a word until a new topic is brought up and then changes wheels like it’s nothing. It hurts, knowing he doesn’t trust them. They know it’s stupid, he never had obligations to tell them anything about the real him, but it stings. Where does he go when he isn’t Cap? Does he have family? A lover? Hobbies? Pets? Why is he like a brick wall with them? Did they do something wrong?

Things get especially annoying when characters like Booster Gold(from the future) and Doctor Fate(Lord of Order, basically on the same pedestal as the Champion) know his identity and don’t even bother to hide that fact. Leaguers will frequently catch Booster making knowing jabs at the Captain, winking and saying strange things that get the Captain riled up and shaking his head profusely. Nabu is no help either, with Leaguers catching him and Marvel quietly conversing. When someone, say, Barry, shows up, Marvel stops talking.

It fucking hurts. A lot. And Billy doesn’t even notice the looks of jealousy cast at his future teammate and fellow Lord by his coworkers. The YJ team is not taking that shit because that is their den dad. Diana doesn’t appreciate that these strangers know more about her brother than she does. Flash is all confused and slightly annoyed because when are they gonna play another prank on Hal? Is he just gonna keep talking to those weirdos all day? And the next?

Billy’s honestly just happy to be here. He never thought he’d get past the age of ten, so doing all of this, helping these heroes while learning more about himself, is just great. He’s speedrunning his way through every moody, self-righteous, hurt, traumatized hero with no sweat on his back.

So yeah, he is beloved and he doesn’t even know it. You betcha that when Cap’s identity is revealed, everyone goes full mama bear/papa bear/protective older brother or sister on him. No way is he leaving without supervision.

Nabu and Booster are rolling their eyes cause hello? That’s the Champion of Magic. If anything, he’s the one they should be worried about.

Yeah, they are politely asked to leave after that. Anyhow Billy, wanna go get some hot chocolate 😘😍

Excuse the word vomit.

[some-little-infamy]

You Are the Difference

(Read on AO3) (Written for @911actions, prompted by @daughterofscotland : What if Buck is Tommy's first serious boyfriend?)

Buck isn’t ashamed of being bisexual. He’s not. But not being ashamed and being 100% comfortable in public are two entirely different things. He’s seen the way people look at them when he’s out with Tommy. It isn’t everyone, it isn’t even every time they go out, but it does happen. It happens enough that Buck finds himself glancing around when he’s on a date with Tommy, clocking every person around them who shows any signs of being a potential problem.

Buck’s explained that he isn’t embarrassed, that he just feels better being aware, and Tommy’s accepted that much. It doesn’t stop Buck from holding his hand while they walk down the street, or giving him a quick kiss before they leave the restaurant, or leaning into the arm Tommy has wrapped around his waist while they wait in line for popcorn at the movies.

Tommy watches him do it, but he’s stopped commenting on it the way he used to. Instead of trying to reassure Buck he simply allows Buck to go through the motions that make him feel a little more comfortable. Tommy doesn’t seem to mind… but it’s something Buck overthinks every time he does it, especially after watching the way Tommy doesn’t seem to notice or react to any of it. Tommy only seems to notice Buck noticing.

“Does it get easier?” Buck asks one day, after clocking a serious side-eye from a woman in line behind them at the coffee shop. There’s so much happening around them, music being piped in through speakers, orders being called, the hiss of the espresso machine’s steamer, the chatter of other customers… but Buck can’t help but focus on the one thing he wishes he wouldn’t.

“Does what get easier?” Tommy asks, taking a sip of his latte. They’re sitting down at a table in the corner, and Buck glances past Tommy to the bustling cafe behind him. He debates not bringing it up at all, changing the subject to something else before he’s stuck admitting to more things that are probably just piling up until Tommy decides he’s had enough of Buck.

Still, Buck’s tried to be nothing but honest in this relationship, and it’s working out so far. Why stop now?

“Putting up with people being awful just because you exist,” Buck clarifies. “I mean, you’ve been doing this a lot longer than I have. How long did it take you to get used to it?”

Tommy considers the question for longer than Buck anticipates, to the point that Buck almost does change the subject.

“I don’t know,” Tommy says finally.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Buck asks, brows furrowed.

“I mean,” Tommy starts, hesitating before pushing forward. “I don’t know. I haven’t really dated before. Not seriously, at least.” The admission comes slowly, like Tommy’s debating taking the words back even as he says them. He doesn’t, though, and in the face of Buck’s surprised silence Tommy continues. “I usually just go out to bars before a hookup. Maybe a coffee date or two. But I haven’t been with anyone I liked enough to see more than a few times.” Tommy flushes slightly, looking back up into Buck’s eyes when he adds, “Before you, obviously.”

The silence that falls between them has a weight to it now. This shared first is so big that Buck’s afraid he might actually shed a tear over the wave of feelings he experiences at the realization, blindsided by a truth he never would’ve guessed on his own.

Buck doesn’t know what to say. He’s stunned, unable to fully process everything that Tommy just told him. All this time, Buck’s assumed that Tommy was so much more experienced at all of this… this dating other guys stuff. Of course Tommy would have years to practice being cool and collected in the public eye, because why wouldn’t he? Tommy is… well, amazing. He’s hot, and kind, and funny, and the idea that he’s been single for the entirety of the time he’s been out just feels… wrong.

“I’m your first boyfriend?” Buck asks incredulously. His eyes are wide, unable to hide a single ounce of his surprise.

“Yeah,” Tommy confirms. “Is that a problem?”

Tommy’s tone isn’t accusing or even challenging… there’s a vulnerability there, and just the slightest hint of worry. Buck could laugh - if it didn’t feel so wildly appropriate for the moment they’re having - over the idea that Tommy thinks there’s a universe in which Buck would be scared off by something like that.

“No, no, uh, of course not,” Buck reassures him. “It’s just… I mean, you’re so many firsts for me, and I just figured…” Buck trails off with a soft, fond smile crossing his features. “I never thought I’d get to be a first for you, too.” Buck shifts in his seat, his coffee forgotten in front of him. “How has this never come up before now?” It’s been weeks now. Months. Months of Buck thinking that this is just the life Tommy’s used to living, and that he’s the only one feeling out of his element here.

“You never asked,” Tommy says simply.

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t exactly keen to go into all of, uh, this comparing myself to your exes,” Buck admits. “It felt safer not to ask.”

“Evan,” Tommy says, his tone so caring, so soft, that Buck nearly melts back into his seat from where he’d been growing more tense and alert with every word, quick to try and hop on the defensive.

“Sorry,” Buck’s quick to apologize.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Tommy says. “But you should know that I’m not comparing you to anyone. Who you are, what we have? It’s… special. It’s different from anything I’ve had before.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” Buck agrees, smiling easier now. “I guess I just assumed I was just another boyfriend for you.”

“You’re not ‘just another’ anything, Evan. You’re important to me. Our relationship is important to me. I hope you know that.”

Lately Buck’s been worried whether he’s moving too fast or too slow, if he’s doing this dating thing all wrong in regards to Tommy. It turns out there is no ‘right’ way. There’s nothing Tommy’s used to that Buck might be messing up or not doing, nothing Tommy’s expecting.

Tommy chose Buck because, well, because he’s Buck, and that’s all he needs to be.

“So, you think I’m special?” Buck asks, a smirk slowly pulling up the corners of his lips.

“Oh my god,” Tommy says, a fond exasperation filling his tone. “I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?” “I hope not,” Buck says.

He hopes that there’s nothing but time for the two of them. Closing his eyes Buck imagines a future of other firsts - going on vacations together, moving in together, proposals and marriage and maybe even a kid or two. He imagines years, decades, a lifetime, with Tommy, and it feels good. It feels right.

“I plan to bring this up forever.”

[oldworldghost]

Are requests still open? If yes could we maybe see a jealous P please? Like he’s learning his emotions and he learns he doesn’t like jealousy or something

Jealous Pinocchio! ☆

↳ Hello nonnie! Requests are indeed still open, and I love jealousy prompts >:3 also sorry to everyone who has sent in a request that I haven't answered yet, I have been sick and busy, well, playing the game </3 Under the cut because this is a long boy

➸ Okay so jealousy with Pinocchio obviously depends, much like you said, on how human he is; how much he knows about not only his own emotions, but emotions in general. It's because of this that, at first, there really isn't a lot of instances of jealousy on his part, and what instances there may be are not going to be immediately recognisable as such. And of course this is due to the fact that Pinocchio just doesn’t have a good grasp on his own emotions initially; he knows he’s feeling something and that that something is almost unpleasant, he just doesn’t know what to do with it or even what to call it.

➸ The main way jealousy at first manifests with Pinocchio is a little off putting, almost. You could probably mistake it for a sort of increased protectiveness; when he sees you talking to someone he stands close, glares at the other person or just watches like a hawk for the duration of the conversation. He doesn’t say anything or really do anything and it gets a little creepy. Don’t get me wrong, Pinocchio doesn’t mean it in a bad way whatsoever – he just wants your attention – but to everyone else it looks like he’s waiting for whoever you’re talking to to suddenly attack or something. It’s his eyes that do it, they’re so dead that is just doesn’t inspire any form of ease when it happens. Luckily, these instances are rare and fairly easy to handle. Just give him your attention and he’ll relax. And of course, as he grows this habit of his simmers down and changes.

➸ [Honestly though this could be so funny too because like, despite the fact that it’s both unnerving and rare I imagine that everyone would eventually end up catching on to what’s happening and god they have a field day with it. Especially Venigni. He doesn’t mean any harm but seeing Pinocchio look like he’s going to combust on the spot is a little bit funny. Do the rest help enable Venigni and this habit? Maybe, maybe. Eugénie is the main co-conspirator here.]

➸ As Pinocchio changes and becomes more human he settles into his feelings more, he learns and grows to not only feel them but process and identify them. And this, of course, goes for jealousy as well. Through both his own experiences and talking with humans Pinocchio is able to realise that yeah, he’s felt jealousy. That that's what that uncomfortable tightness was. However what is most interesting is that the more human Pinocchio becomes the more jealous he finds himself getting, and on a more regular basis. A part of this is because there is an increasing depth to his character and emotions, so naturally they grow more intense, but the more important part is the growing cause of his jealousy; that being his nature as both puppet and human.

➸ Now I do believe that Pinocchio never had an inherent desire to be human, and that it was something he strove to become because he believed that his father would want him as one, and because as a “special puppet” it would only make sense for him to try and change his nature. And so what Pinocchio was or should be never quite bothered him at first - more just filled him with a sense of confusion – but as he grows more human the more he genuinely wants to be one, and your relationship with him plays a major part in that and his jealousy. You see, Pinocchio wants humanity so he can truly love you, but it is this growing humanity and desire that places the weight of what he really is on him; a puppet and as such not enough.

➸ It is jealousy born of insecurity, the more he tries to change the more his faults become apparent to him. His perceived inability to emote, to understand; the disconnect between himself and you, the gap that Pinocchio wonders if he will ever be able to truly close. He is worried, very much so, about being replaced or cast aside, because if the choice came up between himself and someone fully human, well, why on earth would you chose him? This insecurity is only heightened post game, where – and of course spoilers – Pinocchio has been betrayed by his own father, the person he thought loved him despite his being a puppet. I don’t want to build it up too much, but being told you’re only there to be replaced and that you’re not enough by someone who you trusted has to leave its mark, especially when you share memories with the person you were supposed to be only to realise that they were never enough either. Like, yeah. Ouch!

➸ Of course as Pinocchios’ emotions grow so do the rest of his abilities, including being able to tell what he truly does vs doesn’t like feeling. He could always kind of do it, but now he is able to fully articulate the why of it, and jealousy has landed itself into the category of “I Do Not Like This”. Now that itself is fairly obvious, no one likes being jealous, but the main reason its there for Pinocchio is because it makes him feel bad, almost guilty. To him jealousy indicates a lack of trust in partners, but the kicker is that he does trust you. Despite everything that’s happened Pinocchio places his full trust and faith in you day after day, or at least he thinks he does, and on top of that even if you did end up finding someone better and/or leaving he would have no right to stop you. If you wanted to it would break Pinocchios heart, but he would let go because he would hate to try and control you; to force you into something you don’t want to be in. And so not only does his own jealousy make him feel bad but it confuses him greatly, because Pinocchio knows that he can’t control you and that he can trust you, so why does he still get that sinking feeling when he sees you with someone else? [It’s the unresolved issues, but you didn’t hear that from me]

➸ On a lighter note though, while Pinocchios jealousy is heightened and most frequent post-game it will naturally simmer out, much like how the whole protective-jealousy phase did. That is not to say that it is a fast process, naturally it is slow and time consuming - and that in part is due to simply how many things there are to do now that his father and Simon are dead - but with the support of yourself and a few makeshift therapy session with Gemini and Sophia [i.e. literally just talking about what he’s feeling], it ends up being something that he can handle a fair bit better than before. Still a slow process, but manageable [also PAUSE imagine Gemini on a table and Pinocchio laying on a couch like they’re actually in a therapists office with Sophia taking notes].

➸ Anyway yes, the main thing that helps is through talking to you. It gets to a point – and rather quickly at that – where Pinocchio finds that he just really needs to tell you what he’s feeling. He feels bad about it, of course, but I think what he really needs to be told at first is that it’s just natural. People get jealous even if they don’t want to or mean to and sure maybe not like he does, but that is something that can be worked on. Pinocchio needs support in his own ways and for his own things, even if he might not necessarily want to admit it, but luckily Pinocchio can also a very transparent lover, especially after becoming human.

➸Okay to drag this whole thing on let’s back peddle a teeny bit. How jealousy manifests at the heightened point actually shares similarities with how it initially manifested. However instead of coming off as protective it very obviously comes off as jealousy mixed with something akin to fear, for reasons already discussed. He also develops the habit of just quite literally pulling you away from whoever you’re talking to and taking you somewhere else. Pinocchio does this under the guise of “I’m human now so I want to spend as much time with you as I can to bask in it” but it is very obviously just Not That. Or more not fully that, anyway. It does retain a little bit of the humour it originally had, and yes there’s still a little bit of poking fun and riling him up [especially from Venigni] but that is rare, mainly because it’s kind of also just sad that he feels the need to do it after everything they’ve all been through together. And Pinocchio knows rationally that none of them are going to try and “steal” you off him, for lack of a better word, but that rational thinking just doesn’t help much here. However this is also not the only habit that develops, sometimes Pinocchio will simply avoid you for a little, a sort of self pitying isolation mainly because he doesn’t want you to see him upset or jealous. None of the hotels residents know which one is worse to witness, honestly it might be a tie.

➸ Okay so on an actual actual lighter note [and because we cannot be here all day], once both Pinocchios’ relationship with his humanity is better his jealousy becomes something fairly rare, much like at the start. And by that point Pinocchio has also come to terms with it too, it’s a part of him he can accept and make peace with. After this, a lot of instances of it are just kind of cute. Like I will be absolutely real with you he is playing it up to get your attention; you’re getting puppy dog eyes, pouting, and in private Pinocchio’s going to go on some very light hearted spiel about how you no longer love him, all “woe is me” on you. As a human Pinocchio has grown a rather mischievous and sassy yet still gentlemanly personality and it so fucking shows here. A lot of these instances of jealousy are caused by, you guessed it, Pinocchio not getting enough attention, which is a little funny because by this point he’s very able to be alone by himself for a while. The other instances are people just getting too close [i.e. Venigni and Eugénie] or things of that ilk.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

I’m newer to tumblr but an Arcana Veteran so coming across your account is a blessing 😭 your hcs are really good and I look forward to your posts!! I had an idea that I never executed on my own and i thought I might as well share it, so here goes nothing 😋

How would the M6 react to MC changing something drastic about themselves?

To be more specific, say MC always had long hair, more of a coolheaded attitude, or were always quiet and polite. And then out of the blue they’re shutting everyone out, slowly erasing almost every trace of their presence and being off the radar for a few months.

The LIs are worried because not a single soul has seen them. And then they suddenly return, and it’s like a new person, but very obviously still themselves. Shorter hair or other physical differences, soft-spoken personality, etc. But they come back to the M6 regretfully, never saying what *did* happen.

Assuming what they had was some strive for change, depression, or something else, it may be hard to explain to their dearest, but they eventually will. All they want is to be home.

just a silly idea of mine ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ



The Arcana HCs: M6 when MC changes without them

~ thanks for the ask @vegaspng! Sorry it took me so long to get around to but here it is. I'm writing this to be similar to what it's like in the recovery stages of PTSD or chronic depression, because I live for that kind of bittersweet hope. To anyone experiencing ot hoping to experience this, best of luck! You're not alone! - brainrot ~

- a little backstory-

The Devil is defeated. Vesuvia is safe. And your loved ones are building a new life with you that promises to be better than anything you can remember. Which is why you have to leave.

You've learned so much about yourself, your past, even the body you have now, and you're not sure what to do with it yet. That aside, you took on responsibilities and accomplishments the likes of which no single person could reasonably hope to carry, and you pulled it off. You didn't have to do it alone either. But now that things are going back to normal, you're stuck drifting in your own brain because you have no idea what normal is supposed to be like.

Your beloved has been wonderful. They've shown more patience than you ever asked for, listening to you process for hours and doing their best to help. You've worked through who you were after being brought back from the dead, you've worked through who you became through your fight against the devil, but you still know nothing of who you started out as. Which means you're not sure who you're supposed to be now. And you don't want to build a new life without knowing who you're building it for.

So one fine morning, you pack a bag, arrange for your absence, and kiss your beloved goodbye with the promise to return.

The journey is difficult, but rewarding. You travel across realms both magical and human, collecting traces of your past and encountering moments of who you used to be. You don't recover all of your memories, but you get the important ones. You find out who you used to be. It's less than you thought, but it's more than you had, and it's enough to move forward. So you set your sights for home and return to Vesuvia.

Your loved one is overjoyed when you return. They have a little adjusting to do, you have some mannerisms you didn't used to and they can't predict your behavior in the same way. But they're quick to recognize that it's all still you. Slowly, they get to know all the pieces you're building yourself with and fall in love with each one. And as time goes on, you get to hear about the whole thing from their point of view as well. What was it like for them, when you left? And what does life look like now that you're back?

Julian

The hardest part of you leaving was trying not to take it as a rejection of his love for you

He knows in his head why you need to do this, hell, the reason he ended up in Vesuvia was because he needed his own journey of self discovery

He just has to fight off his own inner demons telling him that you're going to realize you're better off without him and not come back

Which, for someone who found the drive to keep his own life because it had you it, can be quite the struggle

And because he's actually quite intelligent, he recognizes that it's not good to stay dependent on you to be his sole purpose in life. That's not your responsibility to carry

So he keeps faith in your promise to return, and puts all of his energy into becoming a better man for you to come home to

He spends time with Portia, getting to know her as an adult and becoming the kind of brother she says she wants and not what he assumes she needs

He seeks out time with Nazali so he can continue his medical studies and get more mentoring

He reconnects with Nadia and puts his knowledge of public hygiene to use with her plans for Vesuvia

He even manages to build a healthy friendship with Asra (who also misses you) and resolve their past toxic situationship

It's not easy, but he wakes up every morning a little more ready to face the day

When you come home, he's over the moon. Nothing and nobody can replace the happiness you bring him

He notices your changes right away, but he's too relieved to know that you actually came back to focus on them

Once you're settled back in with him and it's more apparent, he has a raging battle of opinions in his head about whether he should ask you about it or wait

He ends up asking you extremely vague, open-ended questions just in case you want to talk about it, but not letting himself pry

As time passes, he gets to know more of who you are and you begin to tell him some of the things that happened on your trip

He's fascinated, asking questions whenever you're in the headspace to answer them and connecting dots with you

He's never had the zest for life that he does now. Every night that he goes to bed with you, he's already looking forward to what the next morning will bring

And the best part? So do you. The future has never so been so desirable as it is now

Asra

They completely understand where you are coming from. In fact, they were the one who suggested the trip

He didn't suggest you going by yourself though

In the end what they care about more than anything is your happiness and wellbeing. So they'll give you every piece of advice and connection and helpful item they have, and promise to watch the shop while you're gone

But oh, he misses you desperately

When they gave up half their heart, it was in the form of their ability to have connections with other people. You being in their life covers for that

The only person he had a strong connection with before you was Muriel. And when you died, he went into the darkest, most twisted headspace he'd ever been in and did things he couldn't later comprehend

Their decision to bring you back, and the way they did it, is something you two have talked about once or twice, but there isn't much else to do besides try to forgive them and make sure it doesn't happen again

But this time, you're not alone. Which means he isn't either

Every day for the next week, someone new drops by the shop at your request to check on them

First it's his parents. Then it's Nadia. Muriel. Julian. Portia. Selasi, the baker. Natiqa on her way through town. Even Lucio at one point, with an apology letter that took months to help him write

Every time they feel like packing up and taking off until you return, they remember their promise to stick it out for you

And slowly, he begins to stay for other people too. It doesn't hit him until one month in that for the first time in his life, he's a part of a community because he's wanted there and wants to be there, not because he's with you

You're still their anchor, but now they have ties apart from you that give them a semblance of home, family, and belonging

The moment you return he's dropping everything. He will maintain some form of physical contact with you for the next 48 hours

They're one of the only people who remembers you before the plague, and seeing glimpses of that in who you are now makes them so proud and happy for you

You don't have to tell him everything right away. Though he is going to apologize profusely for every time he left you for a long trip with nothing to do but watch the shop and wait for his return

For every piece and memory you're ready to talk about, they will give you their undivided attention and then lavish the new discovery with all the affection they have

Nadia

She's torn. On one hand, her greatest joy is providing for you, so seeing the way you have an unmet need and can't come to her to fix it is hard for her

On the other hand, she perfectly understands the need to get away from it all to find yourself

And she's perfectly aware of how dominant her personality can be. You having access to your own space is very important to her

So she'll make sure you have everything you need and offer every available resource to you, and let you go

It's hard at first. You had been the one to wake her from her sleep, you had been the one to bring back her faith in herself

So without you around, her old insecurities begin to resurface. She didn't grow up in Vesuvia. She wasn't even the active ruler until several months ago

There were literal demons serving as her courtiers and she didn't do anything about them until you called them out

How is she supposed to speak with confidence if she doesn't have you to back her up?

And that's when, slowly, people start to drop by, and she's finally ready to accept their support

First it's Portia. Then it's Asra. Even Muriel drops by briefly. Julian makes a couple of calls as well

And then, it's her sisters

First it's Natiqa, crashing her lonely dinners and making her laugh with her wisecracks

Then it's Nasmira, quietly sweet talking the more stubborn courtiers into compliance

One by one, and never more than two visitors in the palace at a time, each family member stops by, taking their cues from Nadia and being her backup

And little by little, every childhood memory that haunts her gains a new light

She still gets tired of them and feels stifled every now and then, but she doesn't feel alone any more

It soon becomes known that Vesuvia doesn't just have an incredible Countess, their Countess has an army of loving supporters

When you return, she takes the next few days off and trusts her support system to handle the city for a bit

She'll ask questions, but as soon as she senses hesitation she'll give you space

She sees all these new flashes of personality in you, and as much as her heart aches for your trials, it flutters as you become more yourself

She already knew you were a worthy companion, but as you share more and more she's left in awe of who you are

The world is not ready for the power couple you two are going to make

Muriel

He understood what you needed to do right away. Going on a trip in search of his roots was exactly what ended up saving him

And getting to know you in the process was a delightful bonus

But when he realizes you're going alone, he's undeniably hurt. He's not the type to be selfish, but you went with him on his journey. He was vulnerable with you and it brought you two together

So why don't you trust him the same way? Why won't you make space for him in your life the way he did for you?

It's tricky to answer, because he makes a fair point and because he's never asked you for anything like this before

You're eventually able to explain the difference, how your trip is about finding out who you are on your own terms, when everything you've gotten so far has been on somebody else's

It's still painful for him, but he'll agree and let you go. He's not afraid of being alone

Until, for the first time in his life, he gets bored and starts wondering if someone's going to come bother him

Which is completely new. He's never had that train of thought before in his life

The closest was when Asra stayed with him and he wouldn't know if they would be back late or not

But now the hut is almost too quiet. The bed is too big. The forest is too peaceful. The eggs are too bland

And so, after two weeks of trying and failing to fall into old habits, he goes into town, grumbling under his breath the whole way

The panic that Asra greets him with when he walks into your old shop is almost enough to make him turn around and leave

Muriel? In town? By himself? Without being summoned? The world must be ending!

When he's finally able to mumble something about just wanting to visit and pick up some spices, Asra shatters a teacup

He's never been the one to surprise them before. It's fun. He could get used to this

And so, visits to Vesuvia get more frequent. Usually to the shop. Often to the palace. Several times to the community theatre, without needing to hide in the rafters

He's so relieved when you get back. You can hold a conversation with other people much better than he can

He notices the changes immediately, but he doesn't address them at all. His only desire concerning you is to be your safe place

He's come to appreciate the beauty of human complexity, so seeing new layers like this in you is heartstopping

You never have to worry about opening up. If you do, he'll accept you. If you don't, he'll accept you. He just loves you for you

Portia

Not gonna lie, it triggered her a little

She knows how this goes. You get tired of your quaint little life, you go off on an adventure without her, and you leave her to rot where she can't reach or help you with letters full of empty apologies

The conversation you facilitate between her and Julian after that rant is one of the hardest things you've ever done, but it's worth it

After things have settled, she lets you leave and holds onto the hope that you'll be back

And while you're gone, she distracts herself with work. She's got boundless energy, she needs to put that to use so she can't think too much

And so begins the craziest three weeks of her life. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep, she does nothing but work

Normally, you're her reason to take a break. You put her back in the main role of her own life so she can let her hair down and live the adventure she's destined for

But without you around, the only role she's used to playing is support. So that's what she does, to the point of completely forgetting about herself

It takes a burnout induced three day fever to make her pause. Especially when she begins to recover and sees the sheer number of worried faces in her cottage

Nadia's spending every free evening with her. Julian's sleeping over most nights. Mazelinka's covering the daytime with her mysteriously perfect soup and brandishing a wooden spoon to keep her in bed

It makes her realize two things. First, that while it looks different, she has her brother's tendency to take on the world's problems to avoid taking care of herself

And second, that you shouldn't have to be the solution to that

It's rough, but she learns self care. Not just an extra step in her skincare, but letting herself do something just for fun. Putting herself first

Learning to sit and do nothing without feeling guilty because nobody can make some kind of profit from it

When you get home though, it's like she can fully relax again. You give her an importance that she has to fight to hold onto otherwise

She has the hardest time giving you space. All the changes you've made are so exciting to her, she wants to hear all about your adventures and growth!

You'll have to tell her plainly that you're not ready to talk about it right away, and she'll be very understanding even if it's hard

Every time you open up, she'll hang on your every word. You two are the main characters in her story, and she can't wait for the plot to develop with you by her side

Lucio

He doesn't make it easy for you to leave

He doesn't mind you going on a trip! Trips are fun! And even when they're serious and scary, like what he had to do with you in the Arcana's realms, they're always better with a loved one!

So why are you trying to go without him? Who's going to protect you?!

And equally important, who's going to be with him?!

He's thoughtless sometimes, but he's not dumb. He knows he's a better man because of you

And he also knows that he's not perfect. Deep down under all that bluster and ego, he's still a kid who never learned to love

You helped him with that. You unraveled every tangled oopsie with him, you didn't flinch when you saw the worst of him, and then you picked up his forgotten heart and filled it up with love

So why else would you be leaving except because you finally realized that he's not worthy of you?

You're able to explain it to some extent. You need to go on a journey similar to his. Only you need to do this by yourself because it isn't about fixing oopsies, it's about finding out who you used to be

He'll let you go because it's what's best for you. And he believes you when you say you'll come back. But what he can't bring himself to tell you is how afraid he is that who you used to be won't be able to love him

When you kiss him goodbye, he resigns himself to it being the last he'll ever get

At first he sulks. He crashes people's parties and picks fights with every bandit he encounters

But when he has the option to get blackout drunk? Take all the goods from the bandits for himself on top of the bounty money?

He can't

You taught him the importance of taking responsibility for his actions. Well, you made him a good man. So you're going to have to take responsibility for that and give him the chance to prove himself worthy of you

Which he does. He wakes up early. He moderates his drinks. He does the jobs he finds. He saves the money he earns

When you get back and fling your arms around him, his knees buckle from relief

He can tell you've changed, but it's okay if you don't want to talk about it. He can tell you all the ways he's changed instead!

If you were worried about his reactions when you do open up, you quickly realize you don't have to be

He doesn't expect you to be perfect. All he wants is for you to be you, for you to be happy, and for him to be the one you choose to do that with

[inbarfink]

It really is so incredibly funny how, like, the one thing Zim and Dib can agree on is that they’re the only two who take Zim’s Earth-Conquest Mission seriously. GIR can barely care about it more than his own shenanigans and weird capricious desires, Gaz doesn’t know that Zim’s mission is bogus but still doesn’t see him as a serious threat, and everyone else is either fully aware that Zim is just allowed to play-act at Invading to get him out of the way (most Irkens) or are just unaware Zim is an invading alien in the first place (most Humans).

And they’re both invested in maintaining the illusion that Zim is a Real Competent Invader for the exact same reason - for the sake of their own egos and their own self-image. Zim obviously needs to convince himself he’s actually Irk’s greatest Invader and Dib’s whole fantasy of being the Hero Saving the World is based on the idea that he’s Saving the World from an actual credible threat and not the laughingstock of the Evil Space Empire.

Honestly, on some level that makes me more interested in seeing a canon exploration of Dib’s reaction to finding out that Zim’s mission is a lie more than I do for Zim’s reaction. 

Cause, like, with Zim there’s no way for him to really Process that information without Breaking the Concept of the Show - so in any canon work you kinda know he has to snap back to his delusion by the end somehow (you know, just like what did canonically happen in ‘Enter the Florpus'). 

But with Dib I can easily see him finding it out, processing the information, struggling it for quite a bit in an interesting way… before coming to the conclusion that, Real Invader or not, backed by the actual Irken armada or not, Zim is still a credible enough threat to Earth that Dib has a duty to stop him. 

So the general conceit of the show would still remain as it is in every canon IZ Work, but that reveal will at least bring some sort of actual change to the status quo.

[redlestat]

hannibal season 2 thoughts

this was my first time watching the show and all of this are all my own opinions. i do not have any knowledge of the show except of what i have watched

PLEASE DO NOT SPOIL SEASON 2 TO ME AS I HAVENT WATCHED IT YET

i genuinely don’t know where to begins my head was so clear in s1 but right now im 🙂

“did you think you changed me like i changed you” “i already did”

this exchange resumed the whole season perfectly.

when will will was in the BSHCI he changed, he accepted this part of him he tried so hard to refute for both reason :

- understand hannibal and dive into his darkness to catch him just like he would do to a crime scene

- everyone think im insane why fight it and just embrace it. he has nothing better to do anyway

as the season goes, it is evident will is becoming hannibal-like and we see that the whole season, the way he thinks, he even adopts hannibal’s sense of style and hairstyles. The empathy that once defined him isn’t that noticeable anymore.

for exemple he orchestrated all by himself and in his own mind hannibal’s murder by manipulating the nurse and hannibal in the process. he only had one purpose and it was to get hannibal and he was willing to do anything no matter the consequences. He doesn’t stop even after his release. he chose to go back to hannibal to enter his mind to uncover the truth, find evidences and expose him. He was well aware it meant being under hannibal’s manipulation again and i think Will lost himself in confusion between who he really was, what he wanted, his objectives and his feelings towards hannibal wether it was platonic or romantic.

When bringing human meat to hannibal was to please hannibal, to make him think they’re even more identical that he thought but also to understand hannibal’s world. We know freddie lounds isn’t dead and will would never bring animal meat as Hannibal would recognize the authenticity of the meat so in my opinion it’s Randal Tier as we saw that will had part of him in his refrigerator.

at the end will had to choose between his loyalty to justice and hannibal and he chose both. im convinced will was never going to let that dinner happen, but he couldn’t just run away with hannibal because his empathy couldn’t abandon jack and his sense of justice behind, he probably would have surrendered himself with proof that hannibal’s was the chesapeake rippers.

in the first half of this season, i really hated hannibal. I think it’s because we didn’t get to see his friendship with will wich balanced things out in season 1 . Plus he didn’t have a psychiatrist anymore, we couldn’t understand him or what he was doing. Not being able to understand hannibal was a big struggle for me this season, to connect or feel bad for him. he was unpredictable, unreadable.

hannibal started to become more like will, because he started to have feelings, started to have empathy and something/someone to care about. he saved jack’s wife because he valued their friendship, he killed the judge because he could not bear to have will get the death sentence.

hannibal didn’t kill abigail because he wanted to create a “family” with Will, he wanted to give will a child. family was never something he anticipated before.

his thing was alana was weird it showed us how far hannibal is willing to go, he obviously didn’t love her or have feelings for her it was all to manipulate her and to let will only have one person which is him. To me it’s also Hannibal's desire for control as he felt his influence over Will slipping. Controlling someone like Alana, who seemed more susceptible, gave him a sense of stability amidst the chaos. It showed his need to maintain power in his world, even as things fell apart around him. But in reality he still had will and everything under his fingers besides will being aware of the manipulation he still went in.

this whole season was how will and hannibal cannot bring to kill each other no matter how much they needed to. when hannibal sent randal tier he for sure knew will would kill him. He sent him to satisfy will’s need to kill more than anything else.

will pointed his gun at hannibal far enough to kill him but he was never able to pull the trigger. he told peter “i envy your hate because its makes it easier to kill”. that’s why he cannot get to kill hannibal because no matter everything hannibal has done, Will cannot get himself to hate him. he loves hannibal, he wants to spend time with him even if it in a very toxic environment.

in season 1 it was unclear what type of feelings they had for each other but it’s very clear this time, undeniable. it cannot have words to describe it but its beautiful in it��s own way.

no one knows them better than each other. Despite the lies, the covers they aren’t themselves more than when they are together. They never say it explicitly but they know. Every of their dialogue is a love letter.

here are my favorite quotes that are worth a thousands i love you

“ do you have a shadow peter?, someone only you can see, someone you considered a friend, he made you feel less alone”

“i would kill you with my hands” “guns lack intimacy”

“stay with me” “where else would i go”

i need to talk on this one. Hannibal made sure will had no one in his life expect him so when will said this, it’s a mix of resentment towards hannibal control over his life and entourage but also the fact that even with that he wants to be with him in such situations, because he feel safe and understood despite the facades and the danger.

“we know where we are with each other, shouldn’t that be enough?”

the achilles and patroclus dialogue

they both know they can kill eachother at any time but they can’t stay apart for too long. even at the end, when hannibal felt the most betrayed and vulnerable, he couldn’t get himself to kill will. yes he stabbed him but hannibal knowledge of the human body is far enough for him to know what and what not could kill a man. He could harm him without killing him. hannibal killed his own sister but couldnt bring himself to to kill will. When he hugged will , it felt like he was apologizing, to feel him one last time, to show him that he does love him despite all of this. Will understood hannibal bc he felt the same thing at the beginning of the season. that’s why he didn’t defend himself and even if he did it would just be a battle going nowhere with no death.

i was surprised when Hannibal killed abigail, im not sure why he did it. Maybe he thought will loved abigail more than he loved him, or perhaps he didn’t want them to be together without him when he left or even to show him what it is to lose someone you love. He showed his control over will’s life once again.

This season was a roller coaster, the killings were even more beautiful than the first season, and the killers even more insane, making hannibal kind of look good. The cinematography, the transition, the parallels, the soundtrack were perfect.

My favorite scene was the dinner between will and hannibal when will brought meat. it was just perfect.

side notes: i loved jimmy and zeller and wished we have seen more of their dynamic. i understand that it is due to beverly passing but they brought a bit of laugh and fresh air in this very dark and cold blooded show.

[bumblebeeenby]

Does how does everyone else feel about Jay being an android?

Kai, at first, is in disbelief that this Jay is actually Jay. He knows it makes no sense, but he can’t believe there would be something this big and important about one of his friends that he overlooked. He’s got whiplash from the cognitive dissonance of it all. He feels guilt over not seeing it earlier, not being good enough to know. What if Jay had died because he failed to notice something so important? What kind of teammate is he? He feels like he’s failed his friend. After he gets past that, he gets a little paranoid about the whole situation and starts checking over his own body, as well as Cole’s to make SURE they’re not also secretly robots.

Zane is obviously concerned for Jay. He’s been through the process of discovering he wasn’t human, and doesn’t want Jay to go through the same identity crisis he did. Jay’s behavior is also concerning, and while the rest of the group is quick to assume that his unreasonably calm attitude in the first realm is some sort of malfunctioning, Zane is less convinced (he’s right, it’s purely psychological). He also feels regret for relying so much on Jay, Nya, and Pixal to perform repairs on him in the past, as he realizes how many vital robotics skills he lacks, making him unable to even reattach Jay’s arm or care for any of his other injuries. Although he hates himself for thinking it, his first thought after recovering from the shock is “I’m glad I’m not alone”. He can’t get over this shameful feeling of relief in learning that Jay’s also an android. It makes him happy. It alleviates some of his concerns about the state of his own humanity and he hates that he feels that way while Jay is clearly suffering.

Cole is freaked out, but recovers quicker than the others. This is fine, it’s still Jay. They already have two nindroids on the team, this is nothing new. Nothing has to change. Within seconds, he’s offering Jay verbal assurances and totally supporting him as if nothing has changed at all. He goes along with Jay’s calm attitude and keeps the other two in check. He can freak out when they’re all safe.

Nya is already stressed out when the boys return, to the point that she sees Jay and is like “haha…. okay funny prank”. They all look at her blankly and she starts asking them what the hell happened while they were gone?! She deals with it pretty well though, offers Jay comfort, and then goes into full-focus work-mode and makes damn sure she fully understands his mechanics so she can repair him in the future. For a while, Jay isn’t really emotionally ready to study his own mechanics yet, and she ensures him he doesn’t need to until he’s ready for it. (She does, however, have the same paranoid thought that Kai had and starts checking everyone else to make sure they aren’t robots too).

Lloyd asks how this is even possible, and starts trying to reason out how they could have missed all the signs. He’s the one who actually goes over all the things they’ve been through and figures out what details they’d been overlooking. The vengestone “allergy”, the weird seventh-sense Jay seemed to have around electronics, the time Jay hyperfocused so hard on a project that he didn’t eat or drink for three days but seemed perfectly fine. He’s frustrated that he missed all the obvious signs, but brushes off the feeling to instead focus on what they need to do next. No time to process his emotions! Gotta focus on the next crisis!

Finally, Pixal realizes that NO ONE KNEW. And just…. bursts out laughing in a really uncharacteristic way. She can’t believe it. She can’t believe her teammates are all this unobservant. Then she’s just like “Welcome to nindroid club, Jay. Here’s your membership card,” and prints him out an actual card.

[saintsugu]

ive taken the past few days to gather my mental bearings and try to properly formulate my thoughts. as a survivor of csa, i do not take these topics and criminal allegations lightly.

- starting with the two (2) threads that i wrote on twitter: writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I began writing on Twt, rather than just post on this blog, for a reason. It was separate from the the friends i’ve made on here. I’d be able to write things that about trauma that i’m too ashamed to admit. I could discuss topics that have been prevailing factors in my own real life without feeling worried about being shamed. I get that these are taboo topics (and for good reason), but I don’t know where the conclusion formed that just because i was discussing / consuming these topics through fiction, automatically meant that i was getting off on the idea of it happening in real life; especially compared to the possibility that maybe i was using it to cope.

Everybody has lines they’re not willing to cross. I get it; I have those too, believe it or not. for me— as a survivor, discussion of underaged content falls into the same category alongside of noncon, stepcest/incest and cannablism. None of which i support in real life yet all of which i have at some point consumed via fiction. Now obviously, these standards aren’t the same for everyone, but in my mind there is no difference. I would never accuse someone of being a r*pist if they wrote noncon. I would never claim that it’s dangerous for them to interact with women in their real lives.

People deal with trauma in different ways. When I first started to write dark content on my old blog, i dipped my feet into dubcon. I didn’t care much for it. But then in the months following, i was SA’ed by my best friend. I then began to write graphic noncon. And i felt a bit better— a bit more in control. I was now choosing when and where i was viewing and consuming fiction with these topics, rather than when i had something i did not want forced onto me.

It’s taken me a long time to begin to process certain things that took place in my childhood. Having to process something, that happened more than a decade ago, entirely alone with zero support from anyone i know is difficult. I found a way to help myself cope. My methods may have been unsavory and uncomfortable for people, but not to the extent of graphically telling me how to k*ll myself in my inbox. Yes, I did write and consume underaged fiction in order to cope with my personal trauma. I fully own up to that. At the end of the day, fiction is just fiction.

Concerning the ‘expose’ post, the OP also claims that this was not to start a witchhunt, just to shed light to the situation; all the while, they were in my inbox telling me to kill myself before even making a post. Alright. People have had no issues calling me the f slur, making transphobic remarks/purposely misgendering me, and of course, graphically telling me how i should end my life. They’ve sent hundreds of asks claiming they care about the situation, when in my opinion—which might not mean much, no matter how you feel about me, if you resort to threatening, hate mobbing and threatening me irl, you are not handling things in the right way either.

In regards to the minor in my following list, i don’t know who she was or if her pinned post had changed. when i read the expose post i immediately unfollowed her and checked to be met with the fact that she didn’t follow me and we had shared a total of zero messages between the two of us. I am unsure if her pinned post changed or if I had foolishly followed her without checking to a full extent. Either way, we had no interactions. That might sound like a copout but unfortunately, i have no other commentary i can share on the matter.

at the end of it all, i can only control my own boundaries. i tag everything accordingly and that is the most i can do. drawing and fictional pieces cannot be considered cp.

[panda-noosh]

my battle with creative joy

hi everyone!

so here i am actually making a blog post. not a fic (sorry...) but an actual, real life blog post where i will just ramble and probably make no sense. i hope you guys don’t mind. i would also like to think you’re used to it by now.

i’ve had a lot on my mind recently when it comes to my creative process, and my creative life in general. from the age i could pick up a pen, i have used writing as an escape, and it has always been a fun thing for me to do (obviously). i remember spending the entire night working on a fic, or having pieces that were over 200k long because i just got in these moments where i couldn’t stop myself from saying more, writing more, creating more. it was an addiction. a good one, but an addiction nonetheless.

the thing that has been playing on my mind, however, is how sad i am that i’ve lost that side of myself.

there are many reasons for this that i cannot beat myself up over; work, life, being an adult. i now have a fiance, and a dog, and a house i have to take care of, because it is my own. i now have a full time job in health care, where the hours are endless and the stress is endless, and it really leaves no room whatsoever to process anything but what you have just seen, or endured, or had to deal with. these are all things out of my control, because as hard as it is to come to terms with it, life is more than just. . . doing what you want.

trust me, i cried over this too. many times.

i get asks on the daily about whether i’m still active, or if i plan on writing anymore (insert fandom here) fics, and i always, always say yes, because i think speaking it into existence will potentially benefit me in the long run. saying no just feels like i’m giving in, and i don’t want to do that, because i would genuinely love to revive this blog, run it the way i used to, interact with you guys in the way i used to. but it’s difficult. it’s impossible some days, because life doesn’t accommodate. it just. . . throws you tasks that you have to deal with whilst keeping yourself sane at the same time.

creative joy is something i’ve been trying to find again for a while now, and it definitely is a work in progress. i still love writing - i know that. but in the same breath, i’m at that age now where i want to make writing my full time job, and that means the dynamic between myself and my creative joy has changed drastically. i no longer sit at my computer with a burst of inspiration and ideas flooding to my head. i sit at my computer now because i have a future in mind that i need to reach. that means word count goals, and schedules, and self doubt. that means getting frustrated with my own capabilities. that means writing for thirty minutes before getting worn down - such a change from the teenager who could sit at her laptop all night without even batting an eye.

it’s sad to think about sometimes, and sometimes i do beat myself up over it. that’s why i’m trying to find that joy again. i’m not being difficult on myself any more - if i want to ditch a project and write something else, that’s what i’ll do. if i want to flesh out a character that has no story to fit into, i’ll do that. if work has exhausted me, i’m going to go to bed without stressing about how behind i’ll be on this imaginary deadline for a novel i’ve set in my head. i’m going to chill out.

i’ve actually really started focusing on self care in this way for a few months now, and it has left me feeling very enlightened, i won’t lie. you don’t realise how harsh you are to yourself until you actually start putting the measures in place to be kind to your mind and body. just putting yourself first, really, and knowing that you should always be your own first priority - for your sake, and everybody else’s.

i don’t know. i just had a lot on my mind in regards to this topic, and i wanted to share it somewhere. i’ll probably do more of these, even if nobody cares to read them lol. they’re just therapeutic to me, so if you’ve read this far, thank you. i’d love to hear your thoughts on this whole thing, and maybe we can help each other out. make a little self-improvement, self-care thing here at case de aticus. 

love you all! 

[badpancakelol]

It happens when Steve thought that everything was going good, and everything was mundane and normal and cheery. Eddie and him sit down on the couch, huddled together to watch some classic movie that Steve had never bothered to see, but even before the opening titles, he can tell that Eddie is distracted.

“What’s up?”

“Hmm?” Eddie says, turns to him. Steve waits a bit before the words process in his mind, and then he is replying. “Just thinking about something.”

“A good something or a bad something?”

Eddie weighs the question in his mind. Steve can see him doing it — the way he looks up to the ceiling, tilts his head a bit. “I don’t know.”

Steve leans back on the couch, turns to face Eddie. “Do you want to talk about it or—”

“Why did you never remember me?”

Okay. So it was a bad something. A medium-bad something that Eddie must’ve been stewing on for a while, because the first time they met was — he doesn’t know. 

“I didn’t really bring it up before because, like, we were dealing with monsters,” He says it hushed and in secret, in the same way he always addresses them. “But now that they’re… gone. I wanted to know.”

And Steve kind of gets it. Waiting to ask questions like this until after everything has settled. Because now, they have their own apartment, with their own two cats, without any form of unwanted, needed, parents looming over their shoulders. The movie plays in the background, quiet.

“I don’t know what you want to hear.” Steve whispers.

“Just whatever you remember.” Eddie soothes.

So Steve sits. Thinks. Because it really shouldn’t be that hard to try and remember his first meeting with Eddie — he actually had a pretty good memory for important details. The time loop and the minute changes he made could tell you that. He combs through his memories of high school, going through his entire time there. It isn’t nice to remember who he used to be, how he used to act, but he doesn’t really know when he first met Eddie.

“I mean, when Hellfire still ran through the school, I used to pickup the kids there, and we would have those talks, right?” Steve sees the way Eddie’s eyes waver. It’s like the physcial embodiment of you said the wrong thing, you’ve upset him. Steve doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, how he’s supposed to fix this.

“Nothing before that?” The question is leading, but he doesn’t know where to.

“I don’t— I don’t know.” Steve says, frustrated. Because this was obviously important to Eddie, something that he’s been thinking about since before he knew of the monsters, so why can’t Steve— why can’t he think of it? Why can’t he picture their first meeting?

“Like, you don’t know when we first met, or if we first met in high school or—”

“No I— I don’t remember meeting you. Knowing you before the pickups. The carpark.”

Eddie shifts in place, turns to look at Steve more clearly. His hair is still wet from the shower they just took, so Steve knows he isn’t going to go to bed anytime soon. He knows that Eddie doesn’t like to go to sleep with wet hair, knows that it takes forever to dry. Learning these things are like little gifts that he cherishes, because he knows, now, that he’s allowed to love and be loved, to consider the mundane as beautiful. It hurts to know that he doesn’t remember something this important. 

“I’ve noticed you slipping.” Eddie says, quiet. He takes on that voice he uses when he’s about to say something important and world-shattering. Steve doesn’t know what he did wrong. Why he’s slipping. How he’s slipping. He doesn’t understand.

“What?”

“Everyone’s worried. It’s just— okay, by itself, it doesn’t seem like a big deal, right? But all of these times, the past few months since moving in, nearly everyone has seen it.”

“Eddie,” Steve says. What’s happening? What am I doing? What have people noticed that I haven’t? “What’s wrong?”

Eddie breathes deep, hands ghosting over the crest of Steve’s hair. It calms him down a fraction, but still, underlying, he can see it in Eddie’s eyes. “You’re forgetting.” 

(Later, he will be told that it was Jonathan that figured it out, that had told Eddie all about it. His missing memories. He had noticed it when he was teaching Steve about film photography, when he had lifted the camera strap around his neck, had said I never thanked you for this, only to be met with a questioning gaze. 

It would have been a small moment, something that wouldn’t really tip anyone off, but Jonathan knew that this was something Steve remembered. He knew, because this was something important to him, something that Steve had gifted in apology. A detail that was so tiny in the grand scale of things, that had made Jonathan worried.

As life goes on, Steve will find that there are patchworks — missing places that when he tries to remember start to give him headaches. Headaches that he used to just attribute to stress, or the repeated head trauma. 

He’d been dealing with those things, headaches, gaps in memory, for as long as he could remember. So why had it started to be something to worry about, now?)

He used to have a really good memory. His dad used to give him certain dates at rapid fire, I’ll be home by the 11th, you need to water the plants out front on the 8th, you have enough food at home until the 5th. It used to be so easy for him to recall things, little things, like that. Someone’s favourite colour, what song a melody came from, where he was placed in the wilderness. 

Was he really forgetting, now? It wasn’t like he was just absentmindedly not thinking, or not paying attention, and so there was nothing to remember, because — how does nearly every party member have an example of him forgetting? He doesn’t remember saying anything, doing anything, that would be seen as unhealthy, or different, or out of place.

It makes him look at his own palms. Was he just fading away? Sometimes it felt as if people would see through him, never really look at him, just past the frosted glass panes of his shell — was this how he was always destined to be? Forgetting all these moments, only remembering versions of time that don’t exist?

Steve thinks that, maybe, this was his cruel punishment. For daring to be loved.

“Tell me about it.”

“What?” Eddie asks.

“The first time we met.”

Because there is nothing that he can do to make himself remember. He knows this, somehow, deep in his bones. That there is no way that he will ever remember the small things that he has forgotten. The moments of himself that he’s lost.

“We were twelve,” Eddie smiled, reached to fiddle with his fingers in his lap. “I crashed my bike into the pavement, and, god, it was horrible. Blood everywhere. So I’m sitting there, crying, bloody, and then this angel—”

“Oh shut up.” 

“—Comes and offers me a bandaid. I don’t really think it helped much, but, you know. It made me feel better.”

Eddie’s smiling, softly, wistfully, as he recalls it. He’s always been a bit rough around the edges, they both have, but Steve likes to think they’ve mellowed out a bit in recent years. He guesses monster fighting will do that to you. Or maybe it’s just the love.

And, it’s almost a picturesque moment, for a second. It would be, he thinks, if he could remember any of it. Any of their first meeting. 

Steve doesn’t remember patching anyone up. It might not seem like something he would even remember, because they were young, and it happened so fast, but a kid riding their bike in Loch Nora? You weren’t allowed to. There was some uproar about how the tires were leaving skid marks, and how it was making their neighbourhood look dirty. Nobody was allowed to ride their bikes until they got to the end of the street. 

Steve would have noticed. He would have remembered Eddie crashing.

“I don’t remember it, Eddie.” He says, tries not to show how much it hurts him.

Fingers card their way through his hair, urging him closer and closer until he’s resting against Eddie’s chest. The movie is maybe halfway through, and he doesn’t know what’s happening. 

He stops for a second, thinking in the way he does, before his words, hushed and contemplated, and rushed out of him. “I think it’s because of the loops — you dying. Maybe you’re forgetting things that happen in them.”

It doesn’t make sense. “I can remember the loops perfectly,” Steve says, before pointing to the scars on his body. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something to do with the loop, again.”

He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, though. How he’s supposed to navigate around everyone, when they could say something that he’s meant to remember, that he’s meant to understand, that he knows he’s meant to understand. Is he just meant to pretend? Does he point it out? Is there even a way to do what they did with his deaths — list them out, make them be known?

“We’ll figure it out,” Eddie hums. “Like we always do.”

“But what if we can’t? I can’t promise that I won’t—”

Forget you. It’s already happened before. They know that it’s already happened. Who’s to say that it won’t happen again?

“Then we work through it.”

-- -- --

a little epilogue post before i go back to sleep <3

[stownnn]

My brown eyed boy. 2/6/24

i’m not going to sit here and say we weren’t supposed to meet each other, or we came in each others life at a bad point. in ways i don’t believe that, that exist.

i think things happen for a reason, i read too many books and i know too many love songs to not have this imbedded into my brain.

i cant explain what i feel for you without putting it into writing, because when words fail me in the moment - they win after when they’re on paper.

to start off, i want to say i’m not broken and im not damaged. i have been through so much when it comes to love within the past… honestly my entire life. i never was loved properly and even when i was - the person and i weren’t able to love each other properly due to our current situations and my past i couldn’t let go of.

i have since let go of the past in many ways, i have moved on from things that has happened to me. i don’t associate them with every person that comes my way, family friend or significant other. i am utterly aware that everyone is different and that not everyone is the same.

but i have developed a response to things where if it comes up as history repeating itself, its a self defense fight or flight in me that is quick to just walk away - to walk away before i get more hurt.

im usually, typically, right away am ok. i don’t feel any empathy or remorse for doing what’s best for me - why would i when i know im protecting myself??.. but then there was you. who i instantly felt regret and felt the pain that came from doing that to you. i didn’t understand it and im still trying to. because even though i walked away and i said i needed space, i never was able too come to terms with the peace of it. there was only one time i felt this way and with one person, but there’s was more concern over their wellbeing cause they were mentally unwell.

with you, it was more. i worried about you, i wanted to be in your life, i enjoyed my time with you, and i saw you involved in my life more outside of a romantic relationship. even tho my romantic relationship with you was something that was overly passionate and strong on my end, since the moment i kissed you.

i can easily explain what kissing you felt like to me, but i don’t want it to be taken anyway. because no obviously i didn’t fall in love with you - love is simple but made out to be complicated to some people. love for me is something intense, meaningful and euphoric. it’s something that feels like a high, a good one that you don’t come down from and if it’s the good kind of love, it always feels that way. if it’s the bad kind, the euphoric feeling is mixed with overwhelming sadness, anger and anxiety. so no, i didn’t fall in love with you, it was way too soon. but i did have feelings for you.

kissing you felt like from standing in the cold December night to it suddenly bring a warm cool July breeze summer night. How perfect and soft your lips and kisses were that it made my head and thoughts go silent, as if nothing else was surrounding me. how when you kissed me and you spoke between the kisses telling me to let you know when i got home and to drive safe along with the feelings of your hands on my face. and when you pulled away and walked back to your apartment the feelings of your lips still lingered on mine, and the tingling of your hands on my face. how i lost track of my words and thoughts, and couldn’t process anything.

i knew i already liked you from how you spoke about music, in a different but similar way that i am. my music and passion comes from the sounds of guitars, bass and drums. the way the guitar can be plays in multiple ways and create different sounds with capos and notes on different frets and how notes can be changed played with a single guitar string. you got lost in your own music and style - and that was the first time i ever seen someone get lost in it like me. i don’t necessarily know if you find it an escape like i do because i can sit and play for hours on end, and be lost completely as if im the only person in the world playing - but from us listening to music and talking about it; seeing how you got and your passion, it seems pretty close to mine.

when it comes to what happened with us, i do wish i handled it better where i just stated i needed a break and space in a calming way - where i don’t feel as if we hate each other, or feel that we can never fix things or at least not for some time. i don’t believe im wrong with how i felt. i know i said my feelings are invalid here, from what you stated. i personally don’t believe that. i said it to make the fight end, but i don’t believe it. i was hurt and am still hurt. i’m hurt i was led on, im hurt you didn’t give me closure, im hurt from what i saw and heard - im hurt that i felt like i meant nothing to you. i’m hurt that, that night ever happened with us. and im not referring to what happened later that night when you kissed me down my neck and i let my self respect and boundaries go out the window - im only referring to spending the night, the laughter, the jokes, the playfulness, the snuggles, the kisses and how you looked at me after we kissed. How you were all over the place and then just stopped and turned around to grab my face and kiss me as if no time has passed and as if nothing happened. for you to not say the words “im not sure if this is what i want” and only said “i have a wall up and im proceeding with caution” making me believe that we were trying, broke my heart and confused me in so many ways i can’t explain. i felt like an idiot for thinking anything.

i can typically walk away without a problem, i can do it without giving closure. i can do it and not write a paragraph because the person knows what they did for me to walk away, an explanation for mistreatment is never needed to those who do it. but with you i found myself always writing one out, and that was because i wanted you to try to fight for me and us. i thought this is what you wanted and just played in my face, and i wanted to see if you fight and try but you just let me go each time. you wouldn’t handle it, you wouldn’t try to fix things, you wouldn’t try to have me calm down and see your side. you only said “i wish i knew this sooner so I could've change it” instead of “no stop let’s fix this now talk to me, don’t walk away from this” instead you added more fuel to the flame that i made by lighting a match and throwing it onto the gasoline you poured and you watched it burn.

you let me walk away. you let me leave. you let me cry. you let me go without giving closure like i asked. you allowed yourself to hurt me, with knowing all the pain and hurt i been through. you let my heart break, and me feel so unsure of myself and feel like an idiot. i just wanted you to fight for me to show me you cared, but you proved to me that you didn’t and don’t. from someone who said “i just want you happy” when i was going through my toughest battle mentally months before this happened, to someone who breaks my heart, and the worst part is i don’t think you understand or see that..

even with all this, i actually forgive you. i don’t know if you’ll ever come back into my life. i don’t know if i’ll ever put the wall down to let you. but oh my god, if i could rewind time, i would. i would go back to before anything happened. before i allowed myself to go numb for months, i would have allowed myself to let you in, maybe things would be different.

but i don’t believe you were ever a mistake or believe you came in my life at a wrong time. because even if i didn’t love you and with everything with us being short, like sand falling through my fingers and not being able to grasp any of it and stop it. you were my favorite one of all. my brown eyed dark fluffy hair boy, you were my favorite and will forever be my favorite.

i hope and pray that this really was never the end of us, i really truly do..

till we speak again.. always take care, always smile, always laugh, always succeed, and know i am always supporting you and randomly watching your streams and hoping and praying you succeed more than you ever imagined you could. my sweet handsome brown eyed boy. I hope you dont forget me and think of me whenever you see a dodge charger or see a loud dark hair Italian girl with big hazel eyes. I hope you think of me when you see a French bulldog. I hope you think of me when you see books. I hope you think of me when you see a cute couples post. I hope you think of me when you close your eyes and drift to sleep and remember who laid next to you last (if that was me..) I hope you always remember that short feisty girl, you playfully smacked your arm one too many times and than hugged you saying sorry because she felt bad. The girl who is stubborn, stressful, but beautiful. I hope you always remember me, as the girl who wanted nothing more than you and your time. I as well say this in a pure way, not an evil way. Because one thing I know for sure, whether or not we find our way back - I will never ever forget you. My brown eyed boy

[the-darkness-does-not-bargain]

oh i am looking at the werewolf lore 👀

on the beatrice’s pack sucking and beatrice running away, what if beatrice’s family was the pack

she grew up thinking her family were ordinary humans, because why would she think otherwise? Beatrice’s family hid the being werewolves thing from beatrice because if she grew up knowing they were werewolves, she’d know how werewolves become werewolves and if she knew that, 😱 she might decide not to follow her family’s wishes and become a werewolf, heaven forbid!!”

so one day beatrice is just minding her own business when she almost gets mauled to death. and then she discovers it was no ordinary mauling when werewolf shenanigans starts happening so she seeks out her fam for comfort but their reactions are basically “oh so it worked??? f yeah!!!” (Obviously not in those words lmaoo)

loving the idea of jillian begging beatrice to turn michael into a werewolf, the image of big werewolf beatrice w lil pup werewolf michael 🥹

something something beatrice wants to avoid the mistakes of her parents and actually be open and honest and be there for michael

so michael basically gets a free sibling out of the werewolfification

speaking of lil pup werewolves, had the vibe in my head that ava has a kinship w werewolves, she always hangs out w em and w ordinary wolves and dogs, and she’s considered like an honorary member of many packs or something even if she’s never met em, the help and friendship she extends to em throughout the millenia is so widely known to them

(Which much to ava’s dismay, is why most cats hate her 😔)

and maybe it’s all because of diego who was a werewolf

maybe he was a lone werewolf who lost his shit because of being a werewolf w/o a pack

maybe that’s how ava discovered his immortality, thanks to diego

he lost his shit and next thing she knew, ava was waking up w a gaping hole in her neck, and she never saw diego again

lilith and ava have a such a weird selection of stuff they know and don’t know, especially when it comes to modern stuff, and it drives beatrice up the wall, trying to find the correlation between all of it, she’s like the conspiracy theory board guy meme over it

They’ll know some obscure literally-only-happened-yesterday social media fact without knowing how to use social media, but then they don’t know some basic detail of something beatrice knows for a fact that they lived through

beatrice is having the fucking time of her nerd life parsing through ava & lilith’s records of over the millenia but then in they’ll have been in france during the napoleonic wars but then there’ll be nary a single mention of napoleon or the war in their records and lilith & ava are confused as hell when beatrice asks em if they know who napoleon is, and it’s frustratingly confusing for bea

omg that’s reminding me of a thought i had earlier about ava having literally met jesus lmfao

ava being ??? and !!! wtf when she starts hearing about some big religion they’re waging wars over and she finds out they’re having wars in the name of her ol pal jesus

everytime some bigot uses christianity to defend their bigotry, ava’s just like “buddy boy i ducking knew jesus myself, he fucking hated greedy rich fucks like you, he was gay, and he very much wanted everyone to just love and accept each other”

Oh wow, yes if her family forced her to Change and didn't tell her??? The layers of broken trust could outcompete an onion. And Bea's family is probably a big deal in the werewolf world, so there were likely a number of interested parties waiting to see how and when the potential heir to the pack would be brought into the fold.

And Bea would be so horrified by the way the pack is run and the oppressive rules they use to keep their members in line. And she would find out that some (a lot) of the people they try to Change don't survive the process, so not only did her family lie to her, betray her, and deliberately hurt her, they did so with no guarantee that she would actually live through it! That's the final straw, and she runs away during the next full moon, eventually climbing into Ava and Lil's place, possibly because she senses something safe or comforting about it. If Ava has an affinity for werewolves, Bea's wolf spirit would probably sense it and drive Bea to seek her out.

And oh my god, if Diego was a werewolf who lost his mind and killed Ava???? Devastating. He might have been turned as a kid and left to fend for himself without a pack to teach him control. Ava would have tried to help him, and he found something calming about her presence (there's a concept like this in the Mercy Thompson books too, an Omega (NOT that kind of Omega)). But then on one full moon it gets to be too much, and he can't stop himself. She wakes up an unknown amount of time later, and he's long gone. Maybe he's still alive somewhere. She still thinks about him, and sometimes dreams about him as a grown man wandering the world still.

So when Jillian begs Bea to Change Michael, it sparks turmoil on multiple fronts. Bea is terrified of killing Michael by accident, and Ava is scared of history repeating with a young werewolf living without a pack. It's Lilith who steps in to calm them both down, reminding Bea that she's an incredibly careful and competent person with excellent control over her wolf, so the chances of her accidentally killing him are slim. And she reminds Ava that Bea (and potentially Shannon, Mary, and the other gals) is a mature wolf who can teach Michael how to adjust and control himself.

So they agree to do it, and it works! And he's just a really big puppy who wags his tail and begs his mom for treats. For Bea, it's an opportunity to fully sever ties with her family and maybe build a pack of her own (with Ava and Lil included because who says a pack can only be wolves?). And for Ava, it's a chance not to change the tragedies of the past but to take their lessons and make something better in the here and now.

Lmao, Lil and Ava being like "Who's Napoleon?" "Was he that guy who... ehm, fought England that one time?" "That doesn't narrow things down..." Or they have moments where they're resting in bed, about to fall asleep, when they suddenly sit straight up and yell "That twink was Alexander the Great!!"

And if Ava met and was pals with Jesus, like a secret apostle, she probably tried to spread some of his good teachings to the world (without the God stuff) until she realized over time what that preaching was turning into and cut her ties. The story changed so much over two millennia that she can no longer see the man she knew in the image of him projected on the world today.

[puppetwoman17]

I’ve been wanting to talk about this but I thought it would sound weird and kinda Mary Sue like! Glad to hear that I’m not the only one.

I’m very adamant on Cap being a pillar in not only the magic community(cause of his Champion role obviously) but the hero community as well. He’s well-known for his heroics and impossible stories about battling sentient worms and being diplomatic with alien dinosaurs.

He’s also loved for the advice he gives. All Billy wants to do is bring smiles to these peoples’ days. He dishes out advice like it’s candy and always sees the good in people. He’s great at looking at situations through multiple viewpoints and understanding everyone’s thought processes. This in particular helps with the Superman and Superboy problem. He tells both of them individually that both of their hardships are valid. Clark is allowed to feel violated because his DNA was stolen and mutated in a way that was against his consent. Connor never asked to be created, always wanting Superman’s love but never receiving it.

They reconcile, and Billy doesn’t think much of it, because it’s what anyone would do, right? No biggie. He even does something similar with Red Arrow, convincing him that he’s not just a clone. He’s his own person. He built his own life. He has his own achievements. He shouldn’t feel bad for any of this because none of it was in his control. And Roy is so damn grateful because it feels like a weight has been taken off his shoulders.

Marvel just shrugs. No biggie.

He talks Leaguers through both personal and professional problems and guides them onto a simple, honest path because adults make everything so damn complicated so why can’t you just sit THE FUCK DOWN—

Ahem.

So he helps with that too. No biggie, right? Just another good deed.

He expands his one-way business to other teams too, like the JSA, the YJ team, the Teen Titans, etc. Spends time with each of them, helps them solve their own problems whether they’re big or small.

No biggie, right?

Fucking. Wrong.

The world of heroes absolutely adores him! The other hero teams look to him like he’s the cool uncle. Despite no one knowing jackshit about his personal life, they trust him wholeheartedly. They know he’s got their back.

That’s actually what hurts, tho. Whenever anyone asks him about his life outside the cape, he gets tongue-tied. Panicked. Silent. Doesn’t say a word until a new topic is brought up and then changes wheels like it’s nothing. It hurts, knowing he doesn’t trust them. They know it’s stupid, he never had obligations to tell them anything about the real him, but it stings. Where does he go when he isn’t Cap? Does he have family? A lover? Hobbies? Pets? Why is he like a brick wall with them? Did they do something wrong?

Things get especially annoying when characters like Booster Gold(from the future) and Doctor Fate(Lord of Order, basically on the same pedestal as the Champion) know his identity and don’t even bother to hide that fact. Leaguers will frequently catch Booster making knowing jabs at the Captain, winking and saying strange things that get the Captain riled up and shaking his head profusely. Nabu is no help either, with Leaguers catching him and Marvel quietly conversing. When someone, say, Barry, shows up, Marvel stops talking.

It fucking hurts. A lot. And Billy doesn’t even notice the looks of jealousy cast at his future teammate and fellow Lord by his coworkers. The YJ team is not taking that shit because that is their den dad. Diana doesn’t appreciate that these strangers know more about her brother than she does. Flash is all confused and slightly annoyed because when are they gonna play another prank on Hal? Is he just gonna keep talking to those weirdos all day? And the next?

Billy’s honestly just happy to be here. He never thought he’d get past the age of ten, so doing all of this, helping these heroes while learning more about himself, is just great. He’s speedrunning his way through every moody, self-righteous, hurt, traumatized hero with no sweat on his back.

So yeah, he is beloved and he doesn’t even know it. You betcha that when Cap’s identity is revealed, everyone goes full mama bear/papa bear/protective older brother or sister on him. No way is he leaving without supervision.

Nabu and Booster are rolling their eyes cause hello? That’s the Champion of Magic. If anything, he’s the one they should be worried about.

Yeah, they are politely asked to leave after that. Anyhow Billy, wanna go get some hot chocolate 😘😍

Huh. I just word vomited on this thing. Well shit.

I’ll probs also post this separately.

Post identity reveal everybody in the league gets really protective of Captain marvel. Like there's one guy in the league who you're just straight up not allowed to talk shit about. The public is confused.

Bro, even pre-reveal Captain Marvel was the golden retriever of the league. He even outclassed Superman on that front.

[jeff-from-marketing]

Not even a gaming post this time! This time it’s about streaming!

So I’m sure most have heard about Netflix’s “accidental” reveal to finally crack down on password sharing, and how that’s the dumbest fucking thing ever. Because they’ve let it go this long, and have even encouraged password sharing on occasion. Way to muddy the fuck out of those waters my dude.

But the main thing I want to talk about is just... what the everloving fuck is the film industry doing? I swear they just must literally not know about the existence of piracy, because it’s the only explanation I can think of as to why they’re the ones that struggle with it the most. Either that or they really believe people would just rather burn money and jump through several flaming hoops than take the easy method?

Because that’s what it always comes down to at the end: convenience. For the longest time, piracy has been the most convenient way to watch a lot of things. None of the fifty billion streaming services have what you’re looking for? Your local torrent site probably does! The show you’re currently watching is getting removed from streaming due to bullshit licensing? Your local torrent site still has it. The show isn’t available in your country because of bullshit geo licensing nonsense? Torrent sites don’t care where you’re from. 

There’s a reason that piracy dropped like a motherfucker when Netflix first started its streaming service: it was far more convenient than piracy! It had a pretty wide range of content, and all you had to do was find it and hit play. No need to mess around with VPNs (usually, but then we go back to licensing bullshit) no need to mess with torrent programs, finding which sites to use, etc. It was as simple as “go to Netflix, watch this thing.” Now obviously I don’t want a monopoly, monopolies are bad for everyone involved. But the way the film industry has gone about it is just so ass backwards compared to literally every other industry that’s adapted to the digital age.

The music industry, while it has problems with paying artists, doesn’t actively fuck over the people who just want to listen to music. Most of the music streaming services have very similar catalogues to each other, and other sites like Bandcamp just let you buy the music to keep. I can go between Spotify or YouTube Music for example and listen to a lot of the same music between the two. Just feel like slapping on some music while you work? Just load up your service of choice, find what you want, hit play. No need to fuck around with “is this on this service or another service” or “oh but it’s only here for a limited time” or even “oh this isn’t available in my country” and shit like that.

The game industry, again has problems with “always online” requirements sometimes, but in terms of actually accessing games has never been easier. Steam is the obvious one, but Epic Games and most recently Xbox Game Pass have absolutely been competitors in the same space, all while (again) having very similar catalogues and content. I have a lot of games that (through sheer accident) I’ve acquired on multiple platforms, and can play on either one without issue. They make buying games a super easy process that you don’t have to think too hard about.

The film industry? God they make it so fucking painful. First you have like five or more different streaming services, with nothing in common between them. They all have vastly different catalogues, and those catalogues change depending which country you’re in! Not to mention there’s no guarantee that what you want is on any of them, or that if it is on any of them that it’ll stay around forever. Not to mention that with everyone and their mother starting a streaming service, there’s so many that just have fuck all on them now. Every company expects you’ll just subscribe to their own service for like three shows. It’s no longer just “load up a streaming service, hit play” it’s now closer “load up streaming service, shit it’s not there, alright I’ll check the other one. Shit it’s not there either, alright what about the next one? Nope, not there either. Oh, it’s on this random ass streaming service that only has like five other things I’m not interested in? Fuck that, it’s just easier to torrent it at this point.”

That is why piracy works. Convenience. People have shown that they’re more than happy to pay a reasonable fee (emphasis on reasonable) for convenience. They are not happy with getting charged out the ass for something that’s less convenient than just pirating it. Want to beat piracy? Make a better offer. Stop strangling your customers and instead work with them. A corpse doesn’t offer more money.

[shipsandlattes]

So I know everyone has already dissected this scene to its core, but it’s taken me a good 48 hours to digest this and I just needed to get it out.

I’m an aspiring actor, I’ve been training for a long time, with a lot of amazing teachers. I’ve watched a lot of shows and shipped a lot of couples. Some of them beautiful and canon, others, well, let’s just say waiting 22 years and counting for acknowledgement, closure, anything, it’s a damn challenge. I’ve seen a hell of a lot of will-they-wont-they’s, baiting, purposeful ignorance, deliberate fake outs, zero explanations, storylines that basically caused canon disintegration, the works.

In saying that, Dean and Cas were right up there on the list with the other “impossibles” because honestly, I didn’t think the writers would have the guts to do it, but I am so f*cking proud they did. It’s safe to say I’ve watched the scene a good hundred+ times already. 

I’ve seen a lot of “controversy” around Dean’s reaction/Jensen’s acting choices and whether or not Dean reciprocates Cas’ feelings, and obviously, I needed to add my own views to the mix.

Just work with me for a minute here.

Dean Winchester is an emotionally repressed trainwreck, and ironically enough, the one that is so full of emotion it hurts to watch. When Cas first starts his speech, he’s confused, really confused because why on earth would Cas start off on a rant now? Billie’s waiting to kill them, he just said he knew something that was more powerful than she was, something that could save them. That’s where he thought this speech was going.

The confusion turns to realisation that it’s a goodbye when Cas starts telling him how incredible he is, how his entire essence is love. Go back and watch the scene again, when Cas says “you’re the most caring man on Earth”, you physically see Dean look down, his eyes searching, he’s actively trying to make sense of what’s happening, he knows what’s coming and you can see him coming to terms with the shock of the words being said to him. He then looks directly at Cas. That look, that was pure shock.

Also, notice how he doesn’t stop Cas from talking? He doesn’t interject, make a joke, doesn’t talk about how there is no time for this now, they’ve got to at least try and stop Billie. He. says. nothing. He listens, he listens like I’ve never seen Dean listen before. Because it’s sinking in now.

When Cas really starts crying, when he says “you changed me, Dean”, you can actually see the pain in Dean’s eyes. He’s no longer in control of his emotions, he’s crying too. He’s never seen Cas like this, so raw, and vulnerable and human. This is the hardest, most emotional conversation they’ve both ever had. They are talking about the one thing that everybody knows, but is never addressed. When it wasn’t talked about, they could deny it, live in the lie. Once it’s said aloud, it’s real and they can’t turn back.

This above series of interactions is the part that kills me the most. The moment Cas says “because it is”, that’s the exact moment of realisation. Look at that last GIF, really look. He’s just worked it out, that he is Cas’ true happiness. He knows what’s coming before Cas even says it. Go back and watch the scene again, they pulled that off so well, the way the music swells at this exact moment. Jensen is giving us everything here, you can see what’s happening in his head - he is Cas’ happiness. He is the one thing on Earth Cas wants and thinks he can’t have. He is the reason Cas is about to die. He knows what Cas is about to say and he’s not sure he’s ready to hear it, not now, not like this. It’s almost a silent plea not to say it, because he knows. Of course he knows. It’s like he can’t quite believe Cas is really, after all this time, finally going to say it.

And because obviously Jensen decided that that wasn’t enough to break us, the loaded reaction when Cas says “I love you” has me nothing but convinced that it’s reciprocated. Because Dean knows. He’s always known. Those tears, that head tilt, that gulp. He’s so genuinely confused that they’re really having this conversation. It’s like he can’t quite believe that this is the reality before him because he’s been living in that denial, in that self-loathing and unlovable layer he believes to be true. He’s been under the ‘what if... but it could never be’ umbrella for so long. 

What also makes this real is that there isn’t anyone else around this time. When “I love you’s” have been said before, they have always been able to deflect it, with other people or other words. Now it’s just the two of them. No deflecting, no running away. Dean is forced to hear it, to absorb it, to realise it’s for nobody else but him.

Now, I don’t know if you guys felt this, but when Dean says “Don’t do this, Cas”, he wasn’t just referring to Cas sacrificing himself to the Empty, he’s telling Cas that he can’t just say this, not now, knowing he’s going to die, knowing that Dean won’t get a chance to think, to process, to say what he needs too. I keep staring at that GIF above, Dean is breaking down, I’m almost convinced that Jensen was using an “I love you too, please just stop this” inner monologue for this bit. Look at the way he’s looking at Cas before he realises the Empty has started materialising and turns around. That’s a look of pure heartbreak. Trust me when I tell you, it’s really hard to keep those inner thoughts inside if you’re so in the moment - actually, don’t just take my word for it, read any acting book, ask any actor, it’s so hard to keep that in and sometimes you don’t, and sometimes you do - it’s in both the resistance and the letting go that the gold happens. This my friends, is gold. 

Did anyone else hear “Cas, I-”, well, regardless of whether or not it was an “I” or a very sharp breath, the outcome is the same. Dean’s gone into immediate panic mode. The Empty at one end and Billie at the other, and all poor Dean wants to do is gather his thoughts on not what to say but how to say it. I don’t think he comprehended just how little time he had, he was so focused on what was being said that the reality of the situation caught him completely off guard.

Also, I know this post was about dissecting Dean’s reaction, but can we sidebar a minute to talk about Cas as he pushes Dean out of the way? He’s sobbing, he’s fully crying. That hit me really hard, I’ve never seen Cas cry like that, I’ve never seen Misha get to play that level of emotion before and it was the most heartbreaking thing to watch since The Doctor and Rose and Buffy and Spike, to which by the way, I find many parallels between those couples and this scene.

Speaking of crying, that brings me to this: Dean slumped on the floor, ignoring a call from Sam, sobbing his heart out knowing he’s lost everything. Dean-I’m-emotionally-unavailable-Winchester is sobbing. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t recall ever seeing Dean cry like this before either, the sobbing was so evident and piercing in that silence. The look around the room, the burying of his head in his hands, that is a classic writers romantic love trope if I’ve ever seen it, they really pulled out all the stops with this one.

So, to summarise, I think Jensen’s choices and Dean’s reactions were absolutely and utterly perfect. They both did it so well that it didn’t break from character that these two emotionally distant and repressed men are in love and finally voicing it. Jensen barely said two words and still managed to cause mass coronary’s across the fandom. That my friends is what you call a brilliant actor. I bow down to the talents of these two amazing human beings.

Before I leave this novel, I have to say there are now a few things I’m going to need from the powers that be to not screw this up, help me manifest this:

1. Dean gets to reciprocate his feelings to Cas in person. So, I’m gonna need Cas back and a very emotional Dean.

2. Dean to be actively dealing with heartbreak in the next episode (unless they decided to bring Cas back that soon, which I wouldn’t put past them at this point).

3. Sam to confront Dean about his feelings for Cas, because out of everyone, he’d be the one to hit Dean with the truth of his fears. Sam knows. Sam is supportive. Sam sees it all.

4. I’m gonna need some physical affection, cause after 12 years of nonsense, we damn well deserve it. A hug, and not just any old reunion hug, a proper, this is different now hug. A kiss because hello, in love out loud now. Forehead touching, handholding, really gonna need the works here.

5. A happy ending for the two of them, one way or another. We’ve never had one, it’s time.

Okay, have at it now, let’s speak these into existence please.

Note: GIFs are not mine, I did not make them, credit to owners who I’m not sure of, but they’re beautiful, thanks for making them. EDIT: I’ve just been informed that these gorgeous gifs belong to @michaeldean​ and @inacatastrophicmind​!