#nuke hurricanes

[himbeaux-on-ice]

@Canes: A young Caniac lost his ice cream, so Max Pacioretty decided to make it better ❤️

[skeletalheartattack]

I FEEL YOU ON THE TORNADO FEAR THO I USED TO BE SO SCARED OF THEM AS A KID THAT THE FAINTEST GUST OF WIND WOULD MAKE ME CRY LMAO 💀💀💀

YEAH LEGIT IT SUCKED SO BAD!!!!!! legit honestly i think it's so funny now cause like, where i live none of that shit happens here or even comes close to reaching us. and even then my ass was still scared to tears

[indefiniteavatar]

So basically, in a case about him shoving money at someone so they shut up about him. . .he can’t shut the fuck up himself. I would say something clever and funny here, except the sad part is that this is just so normal in current politics that it’s just. . .not hilariously absurd behavior anymore? Not to say that it’s not absurd - it is beyond such, but it is just. . . predictable, I suppose.

I guess this is how I feel about politics lately? Either I get mad at everything or I try to laugh at everything and normally that works because politicians usually aren’t so tragically stupid so very often, but now I just kinda have to chuckle at the particularly eyeroll worthy things like this, and try to ignore everything else or my brain will explode.

[vesperillian]

punished by god for some crimes by trying to solo a kilowattrel 6 star raid & all 3 attempts i had an npc send in a pokemon with intimidate

[satoshy12]

Fenton the Danger Alarm

It didn't take long for Amity Park to notice; if there was danger coming, then mist would come out of Danny Fenton's mouth. So if Mist comes out of Danny's mouth, danger will come in a few minutes, and the more mist, the more dangerous the danger. ++ So while his group was in a student swap in a other City, a huge mist came out of Danny's mouth, and the whole Casper High class did go into chaos. The last time this happened, they had hurricanes(Vortex)! The first thing the class did was use a Fenton shield, so the classroom is saved. As long as the shield is open, not even a nuke could destroy it. A few minutes later, there was an alarm about a Rouge attack on the school. Which brought much destruction to the whole school just not that Classroom. + From that day on, the Outside class with Danny learned to be ready when mist came out. If mist comes out, danger will happen. This is the most useful metapower they ever saw for civilians. + They are very jealous of the Casper High school, someone like Danny would be very good for people where villains attack so often! Never before was their school so safe for such a long time! All were able to go safe place in time with this much more effective Alarm.

[prringlecan]

Guys do you think welt will ever get his silly man arc in hsr. He’s just a silly old man. let him rip off someone’s limbs with nothing but pure gravity thanks

like will we get to hear more about VA. Will he SHOW UP. No not you luocha I want the minecraft cube in the flesh (????). What if something happens to himeko. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HIMEKO.

Please,,,, I need the old man to break a leg. And no I don’t mean his own but it is also very likely

also rip to the astral express if welts gay ass red blue sonadow kinning nuke making besties decide to take a trip through space to say hi to his ass they’re not ready for hurricane einsla

This is a cry for help welt fans pspspspspspspsps

[a-really-bad-decision]

I don’t really give two wet farts in a hurricane about the fallout show or what it means for new vegas and west coast lore, but I do largely agree that bethesda deciding to nuke shady sands is indicative of their lazy writing habits and inability to engage with the structural critiques found in the source material. And I don't really think "well the ncr was close to collapsing anyways" is a valid answer to that criticism either.

Like. Fundamentally I don’t have any issues with the ncr being in shambles. Maybe the timeline is a bit more accelerated than I’d like, but we all know the ncr was already in trouble when we saw it in new vegas. They were corrupt (both abroad and at home), overextended, teetering on bankruptcy, and facing a food shortage in the coming decades. Not only was the writing on the wall, but the ncr as a faction was a blatant, textual reflection of america, both in universe and out: it's innate imperialist tendencies, it's unceasing, unsustainable consumption of natural resources, the problems inherent in viewing itself as a "civilizing force", etc. etc. etc. And I think for those criticisms to have any bite, the ncr needs to fall, (or change, or course correct). Otherwise, it goes against the entire thesis that new vegas was putting forth about retreading the mistakes of the old world. The game isn't subtle about this, and replaying it in 2024 really only drives those points home further.

But the show didn't do that. It didn't engage in any of what new vegas was trying to say with the ncr's storyline. And it wasn't like there were no satisfactory ways they could have explored the ncr's weakening or collapse either. Hell, in an ideal world, they'd have even gone about it realistically, and acknowledged that the fall of a nation is rarely due to any one problem, but rather a myriad of factors slowly gumming up the mechanisms in tandem until the system can no longer sustain itself.

Instead, they decided to nuke the capital of the ncr and call it a day, because... well I can't say for sure. I wasn't in the writer's room.

Maybe it's because the ncr’s problems are an intentional mirror of America’s problems, and bethesda as a company isn’t willing to engage with that at the risk of alienating the viewers and/or shareholders. Maybe they thought a realistic exploration of the ncr's shortcomings would be boring, compared the flash of nuclear destruction. Maybe they just genuinely thought it was an interesting way to dispose of the faction.

But I think claiming that anyone who take issue with how the show handled the ncr are frothing new vegas apologists who're unable to handle the changes being made to their precious, perfect, canon is kinda disingenuous. Change is inevitable - that's a rather important theme the game touches on. But if bethesda is going to make those changes, they should actually put some thought into what the original lore was saying, and how the changes they're implementing improve or comment on it, that's all.

[same-pic-of-rickroll-everyday]

”You can’t fight a hurricane-“

That’s quitter talk.

Nuke the hurricane and be done with it.

[mollyjimbly]

🚨🚨🚨DANGEROUS INTERNET CENSORSHIP/SURVEILLANCE BILLS WILL NUKE THE INTERNET AS WE KNOW IT🚨🚨🚨

WE WILL BE SPIED ON DUE TO NO ENCRYPTION

LGBTQ CONTENT WILL BE WIPED FROM THE INTERNET

SEX WORKERS WILL BE CRIMINALIZED

The EARN IT Act of 2023 threatens to undermine online encryption by punishing companies that provide encryption services. And by repeating the same mistakes as a previous bill called SESTA/FOSTA, it would lead to widespread Internet censorship and crackdowns on marginalized communities. When EARN IT was previously introduced in 2020 and 2022, it was shelved in the face of overwhelming public outcry and opposition from human rights groups. Now, lawmakers are introducing EARN IT for a third time, hoping to pass it and break the internet while we’re distracted.

KOSA claims to make kids safer, but it’s really a dangerous censorship bill that would give the government unprecedented control over the internet. This would put youth in danger by preventing them from accessing potentially life-saving resources. Lawmakers concerned about online safety should reject KOSA and instead work to protect all internet users from abusive tech companies by passing a Federal data privacy law.

Lawmakers claim the RESTRICT Act addresses privacy and security concerns around TikTok. But this is about so much more than just TikTok. RESTRICT gives Biden (and all future presidents!) extraordinary new powers to ban Americans from using entire apps simply by claiming they pose a “threat to national security,” outside of any democratic process. Politicians are pushing this bill to show they’re “tough on China”—but instead of protecting us, this law would lead to an internet censored by the president.

Regressive states across the country are taking away teenagers’ online rights. It started in Utah with two laws that create a mandated social media “bedtime” and give parents complete control over their kids’ accounts, messages, and passwords. Utah lawmakers claim their curfew-and-control bills help children, but these bills actually make children less safe by increasing state and parental surveillance and restricting access to community. To make matters worse, legislation like this is spreading. Arkansas has passed a copycat bill. Louisiana and Texas are trying to follow Utah’s lead, and it’s been introduced federally in Congress.

STOP CSAM wouldn’t actually stop CSAM. Instead, it would make CSAM cases harder to prosecute—like SESTA/FOSTA before it—while reducing privacy protections in ways that would harm vulnerable people. Like EARN IT, STOP CSAM undermines end-to-end encryption, a technology that’s vital for LGBTQ+ youth, survivors of interpersonal violence and stalking, abortion seekers and providers, and activists. Weakening E2EE as a means to funnel more information to law enforcement also sets an alarming precedent for government surveillance. All of us, including children, need to be able to communicate in the digital age without our conversations being spied on.

ALSO WE CAN TACKLE ALL OF THEM TOGETHER, LINKS BELOW

DISCORD THAT YOU CAN JOIN

[mrsterlingeverything]

I think we should nuke a hurricane once just to see what happens... what if he was on to something

[lastweeksshirttonight]

All righty, I managed to get back home despite the hurricane, let's talk about the show.

Tl;dr - I traveled cross-country to see John Oliver and Seth Meyers. It was amazing and I am still giddy about it!! Gonna put all the details under a cut to not clog up your timeline/the tags.

(All jokes will be paraphrased/guestimated bc my adrenaline and ADHD played havoc with my memory recall, lol.)

Firstly, the Beacon Theatre is absolutely stunning. It reminds me a bit of the Theatre at Ace Hotel in LA, in that it's clearly had its old elements lovingly preserved and harkens back to an older time. It was truly a gorgeous venue.

I missed getting a pic of the other side of the stage, which had a massive sculpture of shields and spears. John made a joke about the opulence of the room not matching the entertainment for the evening, and noted that "even Coco Chanel would say to keep it to one shield". Really wish I'd thought to get a picture of it, he was not wrong.

I was extremely close to the stage - 3 rows back and dead center. I definitely had the anxious excited adrenaline jitters because of it.

I mean COME ON.

The opener was Brooks Wheelan, who I remembered from his brief stint at SNL. He talked a fair deal about that, and told a great story bit about getting fired from there and opening for John shortly after, wherein he drank an entire bottle of "HBO blood diamond whiskey" from John's dressing room and had, in Seth's later words, "a nervous breakdown". I'd heard Brooks has opened for John before and was glad I got to see him, he's a lot of fun.

He also told a joke about not wanting to learn karate because of the huge glass windows in front of every karate studio and not wanting anyone to watch him learn karate. Lots of very understanding laughter there, including from me. (Why do all these places have massive plate glass windows?!)

After Brooks was John Oliver, and y'all. Let me get this out of the way.

He is fine as hell. Look. Just LOOK. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS

I would also like to take the time to gush effusively about John's mastery of set structure. The set was, aside from the typical "before we get started, I need to let you know I'm British" pseudo-opener he's used since like 2005, entirely new material -

(As an aside... !!!!!! I KNOW!!!! A FULL FUCKING HOUR OF ENTIRELY NEW MATERIAL!! THAT I WAS NEAR THE FRONT FOR!!!! I'M SO VERKLEMPT STILL YOU HAVE NO IDEA)

- and it was just beautifully written from a structural standpoint. It was pretty much all political material all centered around history and the need to understand it for context on the world as it currently stands. There were some digressions from that point but they were seamlessly woven in. He is such a goodamn incredible stand-up comedian.

A few things he talked about in his set:

That time the US dropped nukes on itself twice (which was briefly mentioned on LWT but not in this detail and not including a reenactment of a man dropping a bomb while working on a plane and him reacting to watching it roll away).

That the current British royal line of succession exists because of a "cousin-fucker who cut someone into pieces like a Benihana chef". (John told us this is something he learned researching this bit, which caused me unending joy. I love that he's making new sets!! :D)

John delights in the misery of billionaires and wished that the rocket Jeff Bezos was on would blow up. He doesn't want him to die, though. Through this he also talked about Elon Musk and his favorite fake blue check company tweets, mainly a series made by a fake Chiquita account claiming to have overthrown Brazil, followed by Chiquita saying they hadn't actually overthrown any governments since 1954.

John got booed at a Sesame Street benefit and told a killer set of jokes about Bert judging him for it. ("The man lives with Ernie! He knows chaos!")

He claims we will all know things are okay with the US again when we are all irrationally mad at Anne Hathaway for no reason again. Told an incredible story about how he just blundered into the street in LA once, almost got hit by a car, looked up, realized it was Anne Hathaway in the car, saw her wave at him, and, despite the scenario being objectively his fault, being somehow mad at her.

Shaded Dave Chappelle in an analogy about how we are not at Civil War division times because "somehow our level of division is people debating whether Chapelle's SNL monologue was okay or not", in a way that suggested it was very much not okay. 10/10 no notes.

Okay so there was one recycled bit - him being informed the Queen wanted to give him an OBE. He added to it fantastically though, by personifying the man from the embassy as the most offensively British stereotype you could possibly imagine. He said the man sounded like "if a British person rubbed a teapot and a genie came out".

There was definitely more but I could gush forever so let's move on.

Brooks came back out to introduce Seth and forgot the name of his show, lol. For a brief moment we all contemplated what Last Week Tonight with Seth Meyers would look like. (I assume the show's Adam Driver would be Stefon.)

Anyways, here is the only good photo I took of Seth.

Seth was great as well - not as good as John, but I'm very biased in that regard. The material was also pretty diametrically opposed to John's, much more domestic comedy about his wife and kids and their idiosyncracies.

I really liked Seth's energy and approach. I don't quite know how to explain this, but he had a touch of Dennis Reynolds energy to him, a restrained manicness, that was really interesting to watch. That's not my normal association with Seth's energy, either, but it was very fun. Definitely puts some of the more deranged things from his tenure as Weekend Update host in context.

Some highlights from Seth's set:

He had an amazing brick joke about doing accents as a comedian, where he imitated a Swedish accent and talked about how everyone's Swedish accent is basically the Swedish Chef from the Muppets and how the only Swedish food anyone has nearby is the meatballs at IKEA. Funny on its own, but later in the show, Seth talked about how people assume he's fully Jewish, including people on the street. He noted that he's 25% Swedish but no one comes up to him on the street and goes -insert Swedish Chef impression-. (This straight up killed the guy sitting next to me, who ended up laughing with his head in his hands for a solid 30 seconds.)

His kids eat very healthily, so when they end up going to friends' houses and eat one Skittle, they turn into demons. Literal demons. Seth's impression of an actual demon trying to undo a double-buckled car seat was the hardest I laughed at his whole set.

Seth also had a section which he claimed would be the part where he'd tell anti-trans jokes "if he was a complete asshole". I enjoyed the trans affirmation the whole evening, ngl.

Seth's family and his wife's family have very different ways of conversing at the dinner table, which directly mirrors my and my partner's family - Seth's family (like Mr. Lee's) is big on listening to everyone and contributing to conversations only when someone else has talked; Alexi's family (like mine) is constantly screaming over each other.

After Seth's set, everyone (including Brooks) came out to do a Q&A. I could not think of a song in the moment, but realized at the hotel room an hour after that I should have made @chiijohn 's evening by asking John's opinion on Planet of the Bass. :facepalm: Sorry mate!

Still, some great questions were asked, and it was about 30 minutes of just audience interaction. I've never experienced anything like it at a stand-up gig and genuinely loved it. John, of course, told people they were free to leave before the Q&A because why would they want to stay; the man is incapable of thinking anything good about himself and much as I hate his bad self-esteem, I would have been concerned if he hadn't said something to that effect.

Brooks was asked almost immediately if he remembered the name of Seth's show, which was honestly hilarious. Brooks said "I conferred with John backstage and we're both pretty sure that it's Late Night with Seth Meyers".

Someone asked how fearful Seth and John were of their shows being cancelled after one year, and Brooks snarked that he knew that feeling. (Brooks seems to have a good sense of humour about not being a huge presence on SNL.) Seth said that he wasn't super worried but that they redid his entire set (background set, not stand-up set) because Alec Baldwin said it looked like "a sushi restaurant in Burbank". (theoniontheworstpersonyouknow.jpg) John said he was told most HBO shows don't get cancelled at one season and he said "we'll see about that".

There was definitely some extended riffing on Alec Baldwin being a piece of shit afterwards, while John giggled helplessly. I love John's giggling.

Seth and John's favorite Muppet is Cookie Monster. They talked about how interesting it is that you can have amazing chemistry with Muppets, and then meet the puppeteer and have literally nothing to talk about. Seth also talked about how low-tech Big Bird was, and how the late Carroll Spinney, when on SNL, held a script in one hand, the controls of Big Bird in the other, and a flashlight in his mouth to read the script.

Everyone is upset they didn't get to cover the indictments because of the Writer's Strike. John thought there were only 3, but I honestly don't know if one of them came down before the Writer's Strike and he was just referring to the ones since then. It's been a long few months for us all.

Brooks basically forces John and Seth to get out of their hotel rooms when touring. Otherwise, Seth said, "they both just sit there anxious". That tracks, especially for John, who literally said on Seth's podcast that he is physically incapable of relaxing.

When asked about their influences, John said (rather obviously) that he wouldn't have a career without Jon Stewart, and Brooks talked about how both Seth and John really uplifted him and cared for him after he got fired from SNL. Seth talked in a really lovely way about how Amy Poehler basically adopted him and got him out of his shell and was a real friend to him early on.

I really wish I'd written down every stand-up that the three of them recommended when prompted, because I've completely blanked on half of them. Seth said Joe Pera (who I also highly recommend); John recommended Maria Bamford (again, also highly recommend). He also said that most people in the room would have probably not heard of him but that the best in the UK was Daniel Kitson (paging @tellthemeerkatsitsfine to provide her recs bc she knows Kitson backwards and fronts). Brooks gave a shout to Kyle Kinane (who I am not as familiar with as I should be).

There was so much more, but honestly, I was just so in the moment that I feel like I remember things in waves. It was an amazing evening and I was honestly so blessed to be there at all.

I did not wait at the stage door or anything, because I am truly not that kind of person and have consistently been sure that if I ever met John, I'd barf on his shoes. I know on Instagram some people had gotten stage door photos, though, and I'm happy for them!

Thank you all for always being supportive of this dumb blog. I don't think I would have had the confidence to go on this cross-country journey without you all randomly egging me on all the time. It was one of the best nights of my life. 💖💖

[originalleftist]

I did not watch the Presidential debate tonight because, as I previously stated, I believe Trump should not be eligible to run, should not be given a platform to spread lies and hate and incitement of violence, and should not be in the same room with the President of the United States because he is an insurrectionist terrorist. However, I have seen and heard some responses to the debate, which I would like to address.

So, the general consensus seems to be that Biden did badly, and now folks are once more trotting out all the "he's too old" and "he's senile" and "we should replace him with someone, but we definitely won't say the obvious name of Kamala Harris".

So, let's address this, yet again.

Let us ignore, for the moment, Biden's excellent, energetic, quick-witted, and wide-praised performance at the State of the Union address just a few months ago.

Let us also ignore that it is far too late, practically-speaking, to replace him as the nominee, that the primaries are nearly over, that we are running up on state deadlines to get candidates on the November ballot, and that a floor fight over the nomination at the convention would be an unmitigated disaster that would make the entire Democratic Party appear unfit to govern, and deeply divide the party just a few months before the general election.

Let us also ignore the fact that none of us have performed an in-depth examination of Biden's physical or mental state, that the vast majority of us are not qualified to do so, and presume that lay people can accurately deduce a man's mental and physical health from observing one debate performance. Let us assume that Biden is both physically frail, and mentally deteriorating.

And my response is:

SO FUCKING WHAT?

Seriously, SO WHAT?

Suppose Biden is infirm. Is some lapses of memory, or difficulty speaking (from a man who has had a life-long stutter) a greater infirmity that Trump's lifetime of narcissism, psychopathy, and pathological lying?

Suppose at some Biden finds himself struggling to keep up with the job? Is that a greater concern than a man who we KNOW was NEVER fit to do it? A man who's idea of dealing with a hurricane was to suggest nuking it, and who proposed dealing with an airborne pandemic by telling people not to wear masks, but to instead consume bleach? Would you rather have Joe Biden in that position, who will be surrounded by the host of highly competent professionals with decades of experience who he has appointed to assist him? Or Donald Trump, who will be surrounded by the likes of Steve Bannon, Steven Miller, Roger Stone, and Michael Flynn, a who's who of convicted felons, seditionists, white supremacists, and foreign agents?

Suppose the worst happens, and Biden has to step down or, God forbid, dies in office. Biden will be replaced by the eminently qualified Kamala Harris. Who would replace Trump? We don't know yet, but we can be sure that it will be someone willing to take a job who's last occupant Trump tried to have lynched for not following his orders.

Of course, as I alluded to above, that's really what a lot of people are getting at when they talk about Biden's age: the idea that a vote for Biden is actually a vote for Kamala Harris. And either they do not want a Black woman as President, or they are worried that voters will not accept her.

But you know, it's always a possibility that the Vice President will have to take over. It's happened 8 times in American history, just shy of 20% of all Presidencies. It could happen with Trump too. And it was a possibility four years ago, when voters decided that Kamala Harris was an acceptable Vice President. Hell, Kamala Harris DID officially assume Presidential powers for 85 minutes back in 2021, while Biden was anesthetized for a minor medical procedure. And, surprise, the world didn't end.

We all made this choice already in 2020. So don't try to scare me with the possibility of a Harris presidency now. And if you ARE that offput by the possibility that a highly competent, experienced centre-left Black woman might succeed Joe Biden... then maybe Trump is the candidate for you.

[fandomworld9728]

StaticApple AU:

If Lucifer found out what caused his beloved Vox the way that he is today(Before the fact that he saved him). Alastor is dead meat! Charlie would be too! Cause that's her fuckin' father!

I do hope Charlie would inherit some traits from Vox(Maybe ones from his alive and human self) and maybe after Vox was saved from what he is today, maybe his personality would shifted back and would be a mix of his human self and the past demon self he was before he met Alastor.

Reformed!Vox would look at Alastor dead in the eye and say: "You antagonized my precious Malewife and try to manipulate my already naive daughter who I never remembered after dying and lost my memories after descending into his hellhole. You took one good look at my dearest Luci and you straight say pathetic in your head?! Have you seen him in an actual battle he would find a challenge?! He's a frickin' analyst who's always one thousands step ahead, he made weapons by hand with little to no with his powers, his footsteps are silent as the dead of night, as a master manipulator and embodiment of temptation, the only temptation he could ever do was being an Innocent Minded Angel Of A Man with his already unexplainable true beauty as a fuckin' bonus and he uses it as manipulation as a necessary tool, and do I have to mention his anger can be equal to a mixed a storm, hurricane and tsunami all together?! You're lucky he didn't kill because he's kind of enough not to... But me? I'm not killing you because I'm here to make your life a living nightmare. I've spent my secret marriage life with the literal devil and his older siblings... Don't think I can't learn a thing or two from them as they are the ones who ruled since the start of hell... I know things nobody in this goddamn pride ring bothered to learn like I do when I was alive because I'm going to make your life decisions questionable and regrettable as long as I'm here... Radio Demon,"

And don't think Charlie would try and stop him from doing he would be doing because he would just shut her down and scold her! He would absolutely love Charlie but he would be more of a disciplinarian and a bit of a helicopter dad while Lucifer is more of a soft and gentle and supportive mom but one you down want to anger, Vox loves Charlie but I'm sure he doesn't want her to have this naivety mindset within her for way too long as he doesn't her to be hurt and manipulated by someone like Alastor.

Canon Vox is a nuisance to Alastor but Victor(Vox's real name/headcanon name) is a living nightmare to engage a conversation or make eye contact with to Alastor, he's a protective lover and father who's actually very much a genius and nuke your entire mentality into submission and insanity if you try and hurt his family in anyway!

Also bonus-

Human Vox? Luci: Hot~

Past Demon Vox? Luci: such a gentleman~

Reformed Vox who has the personality of both Luci: Oh well, AWOOGA!

(Maybe Luci would build Vox a new head that look just like what his human head used to be when he was alive, it would still be a machine looking one but at least he's looks more humanoid? Porcelain humanoid machine Head as bonus if you want! Luci might have built it and gave it to Vox as a gift maybe after his old screen head got incredibly damaged and got into a deep coma because of it, again it's up to you)

(Oh. My. God. This is amazing!)

[starlitskvader]

Top 5 Precure Attacks!

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER...

Gold Forte Burst (Cure Sunshine, Heartcatch Precure)

Sunshine's my fave so there's some bias... but it's just a genuinely fun attack! Much like her transformation, her attack has a lot of joy in it that makes it all the more exciting... plus who doesn't love a good over-the-top anime missile burst? Especially one made of flowers!

Sparkling Baton Attack (Cure Honey, Happiness Charge Precure)

Let's be real how often do you see a magical girl nuke it from space?

Heartful Beat Rock (Cure Beat, Suite Precure)

She attacks with a guitar that is also an axe and also a gun. It's ridiculous. I love it.

Happiness Hurricane (Cure Passion, Fresh Precure)

The particular use of happiness as a theme is really, really good for this particular character. Also its BGM is one of my favorite tracks in the franchise.

Sapphire Smartish (Cure Miracle & Cure Magical (and Mofurun), Mahoutsukai Precure)

ALL of Miracle and Magical's attacks are pretty great (and I love duo/team attacks in general), but the full moon backdrop and sparkly water effects are just the BEST.

Honorable mentions are March Shoot (incorporating her soccer skills into her magical girl life!), Wing Attack (the Littlest Guy wins via body slam), Lovely Punching Punch (it's funny), and any time one of them just kicks the living shit out of a monster.

[horrormoviemonstermakeout]

MONSTER RATING: Godzilla (Shin Godzilla)

Shin Godzilla is a new spin on Godzilla from Japanese directors Hideaki Anno and Shinji Higuchi, and it fucking rules. Look, I love most of the Godzilla movies, even though it went from a metaphor to the horrors of war and the nuclear bomb to basically just kaiju WWE, Godzilla was meant to be a terrifying monster. Shin Godzilla seeks to rectify it with this new incarnation - a mutilated, radiation-scarred amalgamation of tumorous, charred flesh.

Shin Godzilla follows the members of the Japanese government as they attempt to weave their way through the bureaucratic and social nightmare of a 400 foot tall irradiated monster seeking to destroy one of the most densely populated cities in the world. It’s a fairly interesting concept - it’s less a typical kaiju story and more of someone going “Okay, seriously, what if Godzilla actually existed in real life, what would happen?” I’ve been known to enjoy ridiculous hypotheticals and I, for one, am glad that Shin Godzilla follows through with it and still manages to make it interesting. The wonderful performances really sell that these people are responsible for the lives of several million citizens and that they are utterly aware of how limited their powers are. These are people trying to do the best they can to not let this be the worst humanitarian disaster on the face of the planet.

The movie’s cast is huge, I could swear they have enough actors to replicate the Japanese government one-to-one, which makes it a little difficult to pick out who our main protagonists are. The one we focus on the most is Rando Yaguchi (Hiroki Hasegawa), Deputy Chief Cabinet Secretary, our main protagonist with his friend Hideki Akasaka (Yutaka Takenouchi), the Prime Minister's aide, and Kayoco Anne Patterson (Satomi Ishihara), the US President’s envoy. As Godzilla grows more and more dangerous - with mutations that threaten to obliterate Tokyo, if not all of Japan - they must organize as many people as they can muster in order to devise a plan to stop Godzilla in its tracks. All the while attempting to placate the US, who is more than eager to destroy Godzilla, along with all of Tokyo, with nuclear force.

I know political commentary is not usually what people come to Godzilla for, but the “what if”-esque nature of this movie lends itself to it surprisingly well. Godzilla is treated both as a force of nature, much like an earthquake or hurricane, that appears randomly to cause arbitrary death and destruction, and a hostile entity that has to be combatted. It’s shockingly realistic for a disaster movie, we see how the government is stretched thin trying to handle evacuation, military deployment, trying to seek reason in a country with an itchy trigger finger resting on the nuke button - it gets tense watching them despair and panic, doing everything they can to minimize the loss of human life.

No punches are pulled at the expense of America, of course. Our response is immediate military deployment, with little to no regard for collateral damage or civilian casualties. Props to the movie for accuracy, even if attempts to fight Godzilla with raw military power are futile. Gunfire, cannonfire, missiles, everything seems to bounce off its burnt exterior without so much as a scratch. The only thing that manages to pierce its skin are the missiles dropped from American B-52 bombers. In response, Godzilla discharges dozens of laser beams from his back, destroying the bombers and reducing the metropolitan area to a burning, irradiated wasteland. Even if the missiles did succeed, the movie is quick to point out that the carpet bombing would’ve annihilated Tokyo anyways. When conventional weaponry doesn’t work, the US immediately plans to destroy both Godzilla and Tokyo through use of a nuclear bomb. Every character is justifiably horrified at this.

Godzilla in this movie is a being of ultimate violence, absolutely nothing can trump it. When there’s a weapon it can’t shrug off, it evolves to surpass it. More importantly though, he’s basically a wild animal trapped in a corner. Of course it’s going to lash out, you’re provoking the god of violence and he’s scared shitless. He is the ultimate hubris punisher, a being that exists to humble humanity and say “Your violence will only be met with destruction.” The calls for violence against it are noticeable once you pick it up, even in the beginning when it’s a large, unknown, whale-like creature in the Tokyo bay, the government officials are already calling for its extermination. The only way he is defeated is through scientific research and understanding, a blood coagulant that is developed only through study of its molecular structure and behavior. The movie’s big message is “Violence will only ever beget greater violence, it’s only through cooperation and understanding that humanity can survive,” and it’s using the American proclivity towards violence as the cudgel for this metaphor, which is great.

We talked a lot about what he represents, but let's get literal for a moment. Let's talk about the big man himself.

- MONSTER RATING - GODZILLA -

CREEPINESS: 7/10 - Classically, Godzilla is just one big dinosaur, and like, conceptually it’s pretty terrifying. He’s a giant monster that’s almost impossible to fight and can kill thousands of people pretty easily, though a lot of the older movies have added a bit of narm to him. For a lot of people, Godzilla is more a goofy rubber monster than something horrifying.

Shin Godzilla is horrifying. His design makes it look like he’s one-half dead, useless flesh and the other half painful, tumorous overgrowth, with the exterior of thick, folded over, burnt skin and dull red light faintly glowing from where it’s thinnest. Raw, exposed flesh that’s visible from the parts that aren’t covered in charred skin. The shriveled, contorted arms that seemed to have lost functionality. The several overlapping teeth that seem to just grow randomly from in and around its mouth. This beast is a product of radiation and every single part of it seems to yearn for a swift release. Existence for Shin Godzilla seems to be one of endless pain, as its tumor-ridden body continues to survive despite it threatening to fall apart.

Though what makes him even scarier than his design is that the movie portrays him like the personification of natural disaster. It cannot be reasoned with, it cannot be stopped, and the more you try to stop him, the more death and destruction he will cause. Even then, nothing humanity can do can actually stop it, it’s more powerful than any weapon on Earth, and its existence only signifies inevitable annihilation. Humans are no longer on top, and they’re no longer safe either. 

The ONLY thing that stops Godzilla from being truly terrifying is - and I’m sorry to say this - the eyes. Big, googly-eyed peepers that don’t suggest any form of brain activity in that skull. A lot of people seem to think it’s first appearance in the film, when it’s younger and less developed, is actually pretty cute in an ugly pug sort of way. The googly eyes carry on even to hid final form, which makes him look unfortunately goofy with his beady little eyes. I understand the movie is trying to go with the glassy, dead-eyed fish appearance to make it look even more like a walking corpse, but it doesn’t really stick. Otherwise, the design is phenomenal.

WETNESS: 6/10 - Surprisingly not as wet as you'D think for a giant fish. His final form makes him look like he survived an hour in the incinerator. The dry, black, cracked skin with a faint red glowing underneath conveying the unbridled nuclear heat stored inside. Though he loses his wetness as he evolves, his first appearance is wet as HELL.

Godzilla is a fish that’s become irradiated, and you can certainly tell that when he first appears. His skin is still green and not yet covered in burnt flesh, though with some parts that are just exposed musculature, as if its rapid growth is literally ripping him apart. As he crawls through the streets of Tokyo, blood spills out of his gills with every breath. This is the midpoint between what it once was and what it will become and it looks utterly painful. If his final form is nuclear incineration, his first form is nuclear disintegration. His cells are just barely holding together as he’s forcefully evolved into a being of destruction.

DATEABILITY: 8/10 - Let me give you a quote from the director of the 1954 Godzilla film, Ishir⁠ō Honda:

“Monsters are tragic beings. They are born too tall, too strong, too heavy. They are not evil by choice. That is their tragedy. They do not attack people because they want to, but because of their size and strength, mankind has no other choice but to defend himself.”

You’re a fish in the ocean, and by happenstance you accidentally find yourself in a nuclear waste dumping ground. The radiation mutates you. Slowly, painfully, you grow larger. Your fins are replaced with distortions of limbs, blood spills out of your gills, and you have no idea what is causing the pain you feel. Soon enough, you start surpassing buildings in size, and in a blind, pained stupor you find yourself in a city. Your body is too huge and unwieldy, as you move the infrastructure around you turns to rubble, and hundreds die in your wake. In response, humans have no choice but to try and kill you. You never chose this, you never even realized what was happening, but now you’ve become a god of death, the only thing you will ever cause is misery and disaster. You are utterly alone, because you’ve become built for violence, and violence will be the only thing you’ll know for the rest of your life.

Godzilla is all alone in this world, and no one can possibly understand them. He might be a terrifying destructive god on the outside but on the inside they’re angry and terrified. Can you imagine suddenly mutating into a gigantic monster, whose existence can only destroy? How alienating it must be that you cannot coexist with the life around you, that the only thing that can follow you is unmitigated death. No one will try to understand you, let alone sympathize with you, because you will only ever be a threat and nothing more. It’s fascinating that the song that plays when Godzilla unleashes his nuclear beams, “Who Will Know,” is one that’s sympathetic to him.

“If I die in this world / Who will know something of me? / I am lost, no one knows / There’s no trace of my yearning.”

Godzilla in this movie, despite his city-destroying size and power, is still the scared little guppy he once was. He doesn’t know any better, he doesn’t even know why this is happening to him in the first place. What he needs most of all is someone next to him, to see him for what he is, and to love and care for him despite his irradiated and monstrous appearance. Someone to quell the fiery radioactive fear in his heart, and show him the love he needs in a world that only seeks his death.

FINAL RATING: A GIANT TUMOR WORTH LOVING / 10

[originemesis]

@0p4lx

If the sun exploded, would anyone feel it?

He had always been one prone to ponder, though the extent of his musings about certain aspects of the world he'd once short lived was about as concentrated as tides: either entirely too concentrated or not there at all. With his station serving the 778 and the seraphim that saw to its soldiers, the entirety of his concentration seemed aimed at conforming to a structure that had afforded him one of his own outside the aimless drift where ideas and body parts might briefly brush like sharks passing, but continue on in a ceaseless search of a more put together island that would never form left to its own aimless devices.

He has his answer when the station furthest from their platform along a crystal sea cliff-side begins to melt with the all encompassing nuke of an archangel engaged. That's- probably not good. It's a conclusion one can't help but reach when the reach of the blast is still enough to rattle platform planks and knock towers into the leaning position of a slant upon the first heater waves of sonic bursts that strike their barricades like a hurricane hitting land. The heat was still blistering at a distance, and one might think a wave had splashed over what men remained there, but it was not salt water that melted down faces, though a drenching sweat was a close second.

Hurricane Adam had made land.

With the tower tilted and the shockwaves still arriving in booms, he's dumped over the edge with several others that either attempt to take flight only for intermittent blasts of bass arriving to their position delayed by distance to violently ground them, or bail to the next station below where they'd meet the swords of congregating Exorcists. He grips the edge in favor of dangling with legs kicking and wings tucked in until the next boom passes. And like a fledgling forced from its nest, he drops- flaps hard and tucks again to make it to the next platform before more musical winds can send him there with broken wings. Though they might as well be with how heavy they hang once he would catch the gilded gaze of the Exorcist unit he lands heavily near, knife already drawn as if he'd had no reservations on driving it into her shoulder before she turned to take him as if this were all just another integrated training session that would end with him flipped over a shoulder and pinned with a heel.

The sparks of angelic steel fly when the blade of the knife intercepts the slants of her swings with concentration strained by every jarring bass boost inland. Holding the last strike with a tremble in his wrist, he slowly meets her gaze with grit teeth.

"...he's...not taking requests, is he?" This song 'sucked ass', as Zeph would put it.