#now im craving this shit
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Erik, I need an audio with just Sam whimpering PLEASE🙏🏾
#i feel like it would cure me of my problems#like every one#you spoiled me too much with the HBS#now im craving this shit#redacted asmr#redacted audio#redactedverse#redacted sam#redacted darlin#redacted tank
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Initial drawings of that old man… I literally, I haven’t finished reading the book of bill yet!!! I had to stop and take a break for a week to feverishly draw fanart of myself petting fords floofy hair and giving him attention and shit…!!!! The urge was too great….!! I’ve literally. I had a crush on this guy the instant he was first REVEALED in the show, but I did not have the artistic prowess to draw good looking old men back then… but I do now… thank god… thank fucking god
#gravity falls#ford pines#stanford pines#self ship#self insert#si x canon#it me#doodles#I got a haircut! so my hair looks different now.. as haircuts tend to do lol#anyway… yeah… I LOVE HIM… GRAHHFJH#the confirmation that he rlly is just sad and lonely and insecure and craving attention and validation#OHH FORD BBY.. WE R THE SAME#like… ghghg i loved him already just w his prickly nerdy outer shell but knowing more about the vulnerable center is GREAT. ITS AWESOME#also hes a smart nerdy guy who can do science and expirements and shit which is ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS FOR A CHARACTER TO DO#u kno im all about scientists….#I couldn’t draw ship art back then 1 cuz I didn’t kno how to draw old men and 2 cuz I was like 13 lol… which would have been wierd#but I’m an ADULT NOW. GET OVER HERE FORD#also it didn’t even rlly cross my mind TO draw that stuff cuz even tho I did love ford#self ship and x reader sorta stuff was not NEARLY as popular back then.. like I specifically remember it like. booming in popularity#at some point. but being pretty rare before that. anyway. thank u passage of time and trends and new gravity falls book for introducing#me back to fictional man I love. so I can now draw myself smooching him and shit#hell yeah.#13 is probably not actually correct I do not remember exactly which year fords reveal was in…#but I was probably older then 13.. but still#the point remains lol.#also omg. the bit in the book w the goth moth. ‘ur probably into this sorta thing right?’#I AM INTO THAT SORTA THING FORD. thank u book of bill for being written specifically @ me. the immersion it’s great.#like ur so right ford I AM edgy and goth how’d u guess that tee hee. eyelash flutter#aLSO PLS IGNORE MY FINGER BEING IN FRAME IN THE LAST PIC. I was drawing in a tiny bound sketchbook#so I had to hold the paper down to keep it flat. and. I didn’t feel like censoring my fucking. pinkie finger out of the image
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no really ALL im saying is if aziraphale was infront of ME and me only and even gave me a smallest amount of attention i would've already confessed right there. wouldn't have taken me 5 minutes let alone 6000 YEARS. nuh uh. especially if he slutted me out while dressed like THAT in 1793 or rizzed me up in 1941. i may be oblivious but im not dumb as fuck and i would've taken THE FUCKING HINT. unlike SOMEONE. ugh if only i was in crowley's place this shitshow wouldn't have taken more than aziraphale's eyelashes to flutter once and i'm done for the wedding is already in full swing oh lookie here a priest appeared completely out of nowhere how odd how mysterious!! anyway we must not waste this opportunity let's just get over w it for completely normal regular reasons YEP!! nothing to see here just a perfectly regular every day wedding !! like come on man atp u gotta blame urself for wasting opportunities like that
#lets all be completely absolutely dead fr rn. if aziraphale smiled at YOU and complimented YOUR stars u would've fallen ass over heels in#love too dont deny it now#just SOME OF US would actually do something abt that shit rather than sigh and yearn and crave and whatever tf that simp ass got up to#im joking btw but COME ON he's soo pretty i wouldn't have been strong enough to wait any time at all#im reading a fic where everyone is under a love spell over aziraphale and fall immediately in love w him the moment they look at him and im#just now realizing that's unironically how i'd act around him if he was real and that's embarrassing as shit#good omens#good omens s2#azicrow#crowley#aziraphale#ineffable spouses#aziracrow
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just... him... 🥺
#received his letter and lemme just say ayo what#mans basically acknowledged his feelings and im just#also yall notice how he comments on always expecting the worst so that he either turns out right or is pleasantly surprised?#our mans garrus said the same shit to femshep!!!#now i am convinced 1000% that he is in fact an easter egg#which is ironic cause he once was an egg#so anyways#i crave this man carnally and literally NEED to read fanfics where he lets the vestige touch him for the first time as a sign of utter trust#and then it escalates if ya kno what i mean wink wink#alas ao3 is BARREN when it comes to sharp content#woe be upon us sharp stans!!#anyways... off i got to do some dailies to make my lizard babey happy and mayhaps finally receive him as a guest#mans deserves to retire in a nice lil home on a picturesque shore#*sighs dreamily*#elder scrolls online#eso#zenimax#bethesda#sharp as night#argonian#def not garrus vakarian in a disguise#my art#sketch#traditional sketch#ballpoint sketch#oc#bosmer#ilandris the magpie#i am completely normal about the fact#that he used his OWN feather for the lure he gives us (which is basically a proposal as far as I'm concerned!)
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regardless of the "learn how to be alone" dravel, being lonely actually is really bad for your mental health and can be very painful :p
#i've been doing so so bad#and i've had breakdowns frequently this past week#and i dont have friends or family or a partner or even a therapist lmao#so im alone and thus only feeling worse and worse#my mom has been in an unusual bad mood lately so i havent been able to talk to her at all#but today she asked me to go to her to the store bc she wanted me to buy smth#and on the way we watched the snails and she found them cute (she has never appreciated snails before)#and now i instantly feel a bit better and a bit more normal after only 15 min of hanging out with her#it's so easy for ppl who have family or friends or a partner to judge and criticize me#but like.... u have ppl close to u and u know nothing abt what it feels like to be in my position#it's so condescending and lacking of compassion#i dont understand your pov either but at least im not TELLING YOU directly how much i judge you#like ppl judge me so hard for feeling miserable in my loneliness... but it's easy for u to say those things#like u dont feel my despairing loneliness bc u have a fkn partner. u have fkn friends. or a fkn family. easy for u to judge me from up ther#anyway im much better at being alone than most ppl bc im still alive and im enduring the pain every day#other ppl have ppl around them 💀 only others who are all alone can understand how much it hurts#and it wont be fixed by loving yourself or loving to be alone or whatever other bs they use to criticize u ._.#being alone IS harmful to your health. there are studies on it and im not just making that shit up#i AM allowed to feel pain bc i dont have anyone#ugh esp ppl w partners who can receive physical and romantic attention.... when they judge me.....#stfu forever u have no idea how i feel 💀 and u could never know simply by having had a partner at all...#but yeah. it bothers me too bc i NEVER see someone on here and go#damn i hate this sm i gotta let them know by sending them anons or vague post abt them#like i dont get up in their faces and tell them all my judgemental or bitter or hateful thoughts abt them#even this post is only bc other ppl have taken the liberty to without my consent or having asked tell me directly how pathetic i am#how im not allowed to feel alone. how i have a victim mentality so on and so forth#i never tell other ppl things like that. even if i think them (which honestly i rarely do unless they're extremely toxic TO other ppl) i wo#say shit abt it to them.... ??? like why?#when i sometimes see like ppl have friends on here or talk abt their partners i can feel bitter and jealous#bc im surrounded by seeing things i so deeply crave but im not a humanbeing worth of those things
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afterthoughts
#pokemon rejuvenation#oc bracket#mona#mona's first run#art#this has been sitting in my files since may and ive slowly chipped at it till now. my god.#im like. half happy with it. i enjoyed making it and put a lot of thought. however.#the passage of time. i loathed not finishing this sooner.#god its hard writing mona's dialogue. the main takeaway relies on how they face the After when paragon is complete. this is given that#everyone lives including Ren.#and the general unanswered question if they remain as the interceptor after xenpurgis. or if they're left to live. is the world still#dictated by Karma? who knows! i don't know shit! so their dialogue was made with that in question.#i want to give mona an eventual talking style. i have it in my head but writing it doesn't come out right.#this dialogue was a while ago but somewhat still accurate so i kept it for the most part.#a lot of internal thinking in them. thats smth huge i put down for them. rabbit heart rabbit brain#goes a mile a minute. craves the day where they don't have to worry about running. etc.#i hope to get dialogue down. someday.#anyways. i love the shenanigans i put down here.#the lost camp kids are not the same ones in canon i added new ones for funsies.#and mona's crush is not. rlly shown. but it is present. i like to think the obvious point for them crushing isn't rlly nervousness#but loosening up a lot more. especially facial expressions.#and renmona goes out on a shopping trip. i hope i added character to make mona unique... im v worried about that. enough of that though#anyways. had many breakdowns. suffered many art blocks. bon appetite.
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🎶 they tried to make me go to rehab and i said PLEASE PLEASE HOLY FUCK I FEEL SO BAD WILL NOBODY HELP ME I CANT STOP WHY DOESNT ANYBODY NOTICE HOW BAD IT IS PLEASE HELP
#IM SUCH A LIGHTWEIGJT NOW AND I FEEL SO STUPID I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IM FINE I CAN HANDLE IT WHAT'S ONE BEER YOU CAN DO IT YOU LIKE BEER#AND I HAVENT HAD WATER OR EATEN ALL DAY AND IM LIKE WHEEEE I KEPT MY TAB OPEN (DUMBASS) ORDER A SECONS#even a second is too much#i cant stop#like actually i dont know what to do bc i know even if i went to rehab WHICH I CANT AFFORD AND NONE OF MY FAMILY WILL HELP i just would#return to the same shit bc no matter how sober i get i cant stop bc that's how fucking addiction works#and im too scared to tell anyone i actually need help#the people who know i need help are just judging me and watching me fall into this fucking pit#i dont know what to do#im just gonna pass out drunk now#i hate feeling like this it's so fucking humiliating#i dont even like it#and im admitting defeat to WHAT? A LITTLE GLASS OF JUICE? YOURE KIDDING ME#prolific linguistics researcher and author cant stop.. why do we always treat academics like we're the pinnacle of society#im fucking awful man im a schizophrenic with an addiction problem#but im so much more than that! anyone who knows me knows that! but i cant stop#i want to stop#and im trying and then every few months I think ive tried enough and i expect it to go away but that's how the cravings trick you#fuck this man#drugs tw#sobriety update#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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#two mimir#tandemaus#pokemon#pokemon sv#pokemon gen 9#sorry bintendo i pirated this game but i wouldve bought it if i knew it was such a good game at the end#that ending was actually so good id put it as my favourite pokemon game#and the music holy fuck my ears were blessed#okok next time I will buy the new game#shit made me crave sandwiches so bad then i made my own bread and got sick of sandwiches after 2 weeks#now im getting tired of caesar salad#i need more recipes for work#i promised myself i would never buy another drink at gongchass after they fired me but then they released some cute ass 3d keychains#I'll just get my bf to do it#i wanna play the next gow#please let me refund aitsf 2 i dont feel. like playing it but steam wont let me#idk why I'm too lazy to play it even tho the games expensive ash#need more multiplayerr games to play with friends#terraria got boring after 2 days#zomboid is good#plate up got boring after a week#where is my motivation to play apex#raft is dead#devour need more maps#no im not going to play LOL or AOE#i wish i celebrated christmas#if I could experience something again it would b my childhood xmas spirit and mythical-y energy#i feel like ill always be mentally stuck at 17#how bout i physically go back to 17 too i dont want to start paying my fuel#shit goes down so fast
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Do you guys ever feel like drawing fan art because you saw other people's fan art?
#reblog#my thoughts#random thoughts#i have the urge to draw total drama fan art specifically#because ive been seeing other fan arts of the show#which is why i was so keen on finding my tablet yesterday because the craving is real#took me hours just to remember where it was and then i needed to charge it#now im pretty much excited to draw more on it and i have already#i should really start drawing stuff for pride month tho#i just need ideas for it#ive got some but i don't think they're enough let alone good#idk well see#tag rant#text post#i flopped last post but im still gonna draw shit idc#thanks to those that liked and reblogged it yall are awesome frfr 👍✨️✨️
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part of the appeal of will solace- and characters similiar to him- as a character (especially in terms of shipping) is the fact that he'll come off as naturally caring BECAUSE he's a medic so people who want to be cared for (often to do with mental health), so if you have no interest in being rigorously cared for and youre not 13, he's going to fall flat because he has so little personality
#is this making any kind of sense#like i used to think i had a crush on him#and then just realised i was desperately craving a very codependant relationship#bc i was at a point in my life where i didnt have anyone to talk to at all and kept entirely to myself#whereas now im in therapy and things and i think thats made me rethink that a lot#like obviously i still want to be deeply cared for#and i still crave going in patient and shit like that#despite the fact that it would be awful#but yeah#ill shut up now im oversharing in the tags#will solace
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Why didn't anybody tell me that, upon the stroke of midnight on my 30th birthday, I would suddenly be struck with the irresistible compulsion to completely refurnish my bedroom???
#k.e.w.k. overshares#*turns 30* ...MY FURNATURE CAN NO LONGER BE PLASTIC#I CRAVE THE FEEL OF WOOD AND STEEL#(and also scented candles... SO MANY fucking scented candles...)#so yeah if anybody has been wondering where I've been for the last week and a half (?) the answer is:#obsessively refreshing the 'free stuff' page of craigslist#scouring thrift stores and garage sales#and prowling the streets of local neighborhoods in hopes of snatching up spring cleaning freebies#PSA: It is the time of year that rich people yeet perfectly good shit on the street#keep them peepers peeled and GO GET YOU SOME SCRATCH N DENT TREASURES FAM YOU (AND ME) DESERVE IT 👀✨#I already got a book shelf some little knicknack shelves to go on top of the book shelf two cube shelf things and some shoe racks#for like $25 + cost of gas ✌ UwU 🏆#and now im off to hunt down a dresser because I am an Adulty Adult Man possessed 🤷♂️#Edit to my own unpublished draft: DRESSER AQUIRED (SHES DIRTY AND COVERED IN STICKERS BUT SHES MINE AND SHES BEAUTIFUL QWQ ✨)
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YAAALLLL WERE FRREEEEEEEEEE WE’VE FINALLY BEEN FED.
DARK MATTER BY MYSTERYCYCLONE HAS UPDATEEEDDDD
#dark matter mysterycyclone#YALL FINAALALALAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYA#YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I WAS LITERALLY READING MORE SPIDEY X DC FICS BC IVE BEEN CRAVING DARK MATTER#AND FOR IT TO UPDATE NOW#IM SHITTING#AND I HAVE THE DAY OFF TODAY IM SO HAPPY
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the spoonie experience is driving somewhere and then having a random flare up and suddenly realizing you don’t have enough spoons to drive home and now ur sitting on the floor of a store getting weird looks while you wait to miraculously gain enough energy to make it back to ur car and then not crash and die
#spoonie#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#chronic illness#?#i think??#is chronic fatigue in the chronic illness umbrella or its own thing???#idk i don’t have the spoons for this#the fact that i literally got a perfect 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night too#and yet i ate brunch and now i cannot see all the colors are blurring together my eyelids feel like lead#i crave nothing more than to sink into the ground and cease to exist#to sleep and then never wake up#not bc i don’t want to be alive but bc i literally just want to sleep forever simple as that#and i don’t even *want* to sleep either#i *want* to be awake and alive#but the world is like im wearing foggy glasses and breathing is exhausting#OH SHIT SPOONS#SPOON DELIVERY#LETS FUCKING GO#BYE IM RUNNING WHILE I CAN CYA
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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i've been having some trouble falling asleep lately
#art#i'll be yapping in the tags#its not that im depressed or anything. it is the opposite actually#ive been using this medicine for quite some time. and it made all my negative emotions disappear#“oh wow huh but isnt it great you don't feel bad anymore”. this is the same thing my psychiatrist told me when we were discussing this topic#in hindsight it was kinda silly of her to say. i can't believe i pay a ridiculous amount of money per session just to hear shit like that#but she's cute and im a pathetic homosexual who'll seethe at the sight of other specialists like a beaten dog so I will let it slide i guess#we see each other twice a year anyway and all i need from her is the prescription for happy pills. anyway the happypillen#i would fight god if it means i can use stertraline for the rest of my life. thanks to it i can and i do live#but I don't really feel like myself anymore. do you get what i mean#the things that have been giving me anxiety attacks or flashbacks not so long ago? i feel almost nothing about it at this momet#it still haunts me to this day but the intensity of my feelings and emotions does not reach even 1/5 of what it was before#i do not want to disclose more specific topics so i will use a simple example. i used to be afraid of dogs#the fear was so severe that the mere sight of the tiniest little barfing creature was enough for me to freeze#now i can pass one without any problem. the fear i feel today is nothing more than a shadow of bygone times (something i do out of habit)#but i guess this example is not objective enough since my close irl friend has a dog that i became fond of#im still pretty sure this dog of her is capable of biting my ass off if necessary but im not afraid of it#because fear is not an option in this brain of mine at this moment#i don't feel any anxiety sadness or anger anymore. even if something close to it begins to rise in me it shuns down within a few minutes#i can't even cry. i am craving emotions that i was so eagerly trying to dispose of back then#i feel the most mentally stable I have ever been and at the same time i feel pretty much dead.#perhaps i just got used to the fact that sorrow accompanied me for a very long time and i should learn to live without it#perhaps sorrow is just as important as happiness and its absence is a mere side effect of the happy pills#and i have to put up with it in order to have a functional brain#perhaps we people are never happy with what we have in our hands. also i hate drawing#one's can tell since the picture i attached is raw as fuck#but even despite my praised mental stability if i were to stay alone with it even for a minute longer i would go insane#next time i will draw something lighter and cuter. like my favorite kpop boy or fortnite. maybe in the next century#thanks for coming to my tedtalk. bye#i made a typo in the word “sertraline” but im too lazy to fix it i would fight god for you but i will not do this im sorry zoloft
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god i gotta stop seeing Tumblr Dietician Posts on my dash theyre pissing me the damn hell off
#recently ive decided to start giving a shit about what im putting in my body#and buddy now is Not the time i need to see 'oh if youre craving carbs and sugar that means you Need them' posts like three times a day#I WANT THEM BECAUSE THEY TASTE GOOD AND ARE EASILY ACCESSIBLE#i need to Increase the other kinds of shit i am getting into my body which means No i Cannot have a fucking breadbowl and ice cream#no matter how much i want it oh my god i want ice cream so bad#i just really fucking like ice cream im jsut like Too aware now of the insane amount of sugar i was eating for like. my whole life#especially when i cut how much meat i was getting#Double especially when eating vegetables starting getting more inconvienient bc i just microwave everything and hate raw shit
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