#now how do I get over the shame | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

slymanner · 22 days ago

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Look all I'm saying is if that a shadow game can work THAT well and be so well designed story wise and gameplay wise

HE can work

#sonic #silver the hedgehog #sonic the hedgehog #silver right now is such a open canvas of a character #story wise and gameplay wise #he's been a side character for so long and in the one time he was a main character his whole story was basically axed from canon #he's definitely been explored since then but not to extent we've probably wanted with this character-#and I'm talking mostly game silver cause obviously in IDW and archie he got some LOVE there #even if we never saw idw silver actually explore his good future #which i still think is a shame but also apparently if sega doesn't want that to be explored in a comic and saved for the games then #THEY BETTER EXPLORE IT SOON #and honestly gameplay wise he needs another shot as well #like C'MON his psychic's just needed better...well...PSYCHIC'S TO WORK #can you imagine what cool and fun movement he'd have now that sega is now slowy understanding what kinda stuff they wanna do with #the sonic franchise again and how it should play #i don't know if i should fully expect a silver game at any point #but he should ATLEAST be a second main character in a new game so people can be reintroduced to him and they can cook with him #IM TIRED OF SEEING MY SON GETTING HATED ON OR CALLED LAME #I WANT PEOPLE TO BE REMINDED OR SHOWN HOW COOL AND FUN HE CAN BE WHEN GIVEN THE SPOTLIGHT #archie and idw are the best examples of him as a character #he is a lovable friend and ally #but serious when he can be character #and his powers are literally so COOL AND INHERENTLY UNIQUE AND POWERFUL COMPARED TO OTHER'S IN THE CAST #like when surge saw silver come in casually carrying a large object and she got nervous THAT'S WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT #THIS MAN CAN BE A THREAT.#okay rant over DHDNDNDB

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my-fall-from-grace · 6 months ago

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wait y’all lol…. just realized… (kill me pls god i can’t do this)

pros : cats are once again the underdogs bc most people will want the oilers to win so that’s good for our Narrative, which is ofc where we draw our strength from 😌

cons : we are facing yet another series of disrespect. “skinner is pulling off incredible saves!” meanwhile bob is standing on his head in net just casually winning yet another vezina trophy. they will not Shut Up about mcdavid leon soul bond when sam matty are literally right there. matty will be simplified to the bare bones of the battle of alberta rivalry even if he’s very clearly left it behind and has been therapy-ed by the florida sun and is tanned and thriving. they will ignore the narrative of first panthers scp win to talk endlessly about it being mcdavid’s first scp final appearance, prophesied boy king that he is. they will belittle us in every way possible 😔

#not to mention hearing the o*lers fans chanting for 60 mins straight. do they EVER shut up?#we win a game? they’re just getting warmed up #we lose a game? psh that’s obviously what’s meant to happen #am I being over dramatic? yes what did you expect. you come into MY house and expect different? shame #florida panthers #matthew tkachuk #also you may ask HOW did you only now realize? babes I’ve been grieving the stars for the past few hours

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triglycercule · 1 month ago

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why is horror almost ALWAYS sweating bro this man must be a straight up water faucet with how much sweat he has in every horrortale panel. however it is for this reason that i think he has hyperhidrosis. hello my name is triglycercule and in this essay i will explain

#because he deserves to have to deal with sweaty hands 24/7 #oh i KNOW it is annoying as hell to live in SNOWdin and then be sweating ALL THE DAMN TIME #me when i have my fan blasting at me but my hands are still wet #i cant be bothered to research more than hyperhidrosis can be caused by nervous system disorders #and nervous system disorders can be caused by damage to the brain/spinal cord. and guess who has a giant hole in his head #bro are you crying??? no its just my excessive sweat says horror #and then he just feels colder with the sweat and snowdin wind and then horror starts shivering all the time #shaky hands!!! sweaty hands!!!!!! permanently bloodstained hands!!!!! how else can i make horror hate his hands #he cannot pick up anything at all bro. not even open a doorhandle #in times like those its a goddamn shame horror cant sustain his blue magic #because he would be overusing the shit out of it if he did have it #when horror wants to cause a minor irritation to dust and killer he just rubs his hands all over them #because i do it #its SO disgusting imagine having someone's sweat all over your arm. yeah no #he replaced the whoopie cusion handshake for a drill so he wouldn't have to explain his sweaty hands 😭😭😭😭😭😭#a human got away from horror because they LITERALLY slipped out of his sweaty hands #i know bro was furious. it was comedically easy for them the escape #from that day forward he began wearing gloves. now he has to deal with changing them all the time #first reason you know someone read the horrortale comic: they draw horror with his sweat #i dont even have hyperhidrosis i just get so pissed when my hands start sweating so much. so horror has to deal with it too #i woke up this morning. fan on. full blast. sweaty hands. sweaty feet. immediately decide to cast my rage onto horror #not even 10 am and my hands are still wet even after i washed them someone slice my limbs off #tricule hc #horror sans #murder time trio #bad sanses #sans au #utmv

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hella1975 · 1 year ago

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all hate to tiktok for taking 'having a space to more openly and actively talk about different cultures' to mean 'cultures are NOT to be shared and we must be vigilantly defensive of our cultures for fear of appropriation, a word that can be applied to any multicultural interaction'. like of course cultural appropriation is a very real problem but ive seen with the access to global multicultural conversation that tiktok provides it's made people TERRIFIED to even interact with cultures other than their own for fear of 'doing it wrong'. like at some point you have to acknowledge that in the real world of the great outdoors, the majority of people are eager to SHARE their cultures. yes there are ignorant questions and biases but also... how do you think those things get unlearnt? i dont understand how deciding that multiculturalism is an elephant in the room instead of a normal thing that should just be talked about and lived with is supposed to benefit anyone? and kids on tiktok are CONVINCED that it's a time bomb of a conversation to have and therefore must be avoided at all costs but like. people generally LOVE their home and their culture and are PROUD of it and want to share it. how have we made it so that showing genuine interest and a desire to understand something so integral to a person's identity is now feared and borderline demonised?

#thinking about this a lot lately. thinking about how fun it was comparing cultural differences in america #thinking of how when i was homesick one thing i found a great comfort in was talking about my home #and how it differed and i really loved and appreciated it when people would ask me about england #in a way that they genuinely just wanted to learn about it and not to take the piss #thinking about how the kitchen at work has chefs from all over europe. we have an irish chef and a spanish chef and an italian chef #and one of the kps is from eastern europe (i havent actually been able to find out where yet) etc and the way they banter with each other #like usually chefs are Problematic bc their humour is VERY abrasive and usually offensive #but this is one instance where it's actually to their benefit bc they're so unafraid to ADDRESS THE FACT THEY HAVE DIFFERENT CULTURES #i feel like the tiktok gen are so petrified of even acknowledging other cultures let alone discussing them #that it's actually sending the conversation backwards. like how does hoarding your culture and pretending it's not there benefit anyone #LET ALONE YOU AND THE CULTURE IN QUESTION. idk it just baffles me a bit that something that started as people on tiktok #genuinely spreading information and talking about the BAD side of this where people DO culturally appropriate or invade spaces that arent #theirs has now become 'for fear of speaking bad about it we will not speak about it at all'. and they'll crucify you if you do. like what #even at uni my best mate is indian and she's too scared to join the sikh society on her own so i regularly go to the events with her #and im typically one of the handful (or the only) white non-sikh there and i get SO welcomed each time #like there's such a genuine excitement to share the culture with someone who is effectively a blank slate #and like yeah ill ask 'dumb' questions or i'll have different experiences (tried a samosa for the first time at one of these events #and the moment that info got out i had like five STRANGERS trying to give me different samosas to try and it was genuinely such #a laugh bc yes they were TEASING me bc 'how have you never had one' but they were also really eager to share MORE as a result)#ugh idk what im saying. i just think it's a shame to watch this happen in real time on the internet #when if people would just go outside and actually TALK to people from other cultures they'd realise 9 times out of 10 the interactions #are actually really really nice for BOTH parties. and actually refusing to talk about this stuff is long-term pretty fucking detrimental #and it also goes the other way!!! like imagine if i - citizen of colonisation motherland herself - didn't interact with other cultures #and didnt ask questions or hear their opinions on whatever shared history we have from THEIR POINT OF VIEW #imagine the kind of shit id be internalising bc i only hung out with other white british people. it wouldnt matter if i was doing it #to be woke or 'respect their culture'. it would still be fucking ignorant. like half my interactions with other cultures #see me as the butt of the joke bc of this like aforementioned irish chef at work VOCALLY slates the english all the time #but it's done in an environment where we're FRIENDS and it's poking fun at each other while still addressing a very serious history. like??#idk if any of this is worded in a way that makes sense but yeah. i have thoughts #cant believe i got inspired to make an actually serious post bc of the CHEFS AT WORK. embarrassing. no one let them see this

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skinreflectsthesun · 27 days ago

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#we have a neighbor who walked past our house while walking his dog #and he threw his doggy bag into our trailer #my husband said this wasn’t the first time the guy did it #and so he figured out which house he lived in and left a note telling him not to do it again #and now this motherfucker #makes it a point to walk by our house STILL #and spit on our driveway #I’d call it a coincidence when he did it the first 2 times #but this time #I was coming home with Beba #and I got out of the car and had to get him carefully out of the car cause he fell asleep #anyways I get him inside to his bed safely and I go back out to the garage #just in time for this fucker to walk past #and he spits on the driveway right in fucking front of me #I was about to follow him and tell him the fuck off but my husband called out to me and told me not to do anything #the absolute AUDACITY #and the fact that he has NO SHAME #is astounding to me #and the fact that I couldn’t confront him because I don’t know what the fuck he is capable of and if he might retaliate and hurt me #but also the fact that he does this WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT #he has NO FEAR #no fear at all of something happening to him as a result of doing this #but I’m over here thinking about how I would like nothing more than to confront him but can’t because who knows what he might do to me #I am so FUCKING PISSED OFF

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flowercrowngods · 1 year ago

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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with #is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain #i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself #that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once #but never never never liked enough #i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting #i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out #i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again #but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough #for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find #maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months #anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you #god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie #but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down #blah #personal #not st

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north-wilkesboro-moonshine-cave · 3 months ago

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another weekend, another job rejection!

#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal #Of Working In A Fucking Library #just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises #anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or #graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal #relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and #be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges #i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is #everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me #2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to #go further into debt #anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s #everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333 #like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails

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elliesbelle · 1 year ago

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NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH

#but literally like #that’s exactly what happens now #AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY #LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy #‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on??????#YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK #the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!!#all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again #and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!!#you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them #i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore #AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE #literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore #you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again #the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again #‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you #i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care #v #belle speaks

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iniziare · 5 months ago

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Tag drop: Dorian Pavus

#dorian pavus. [ he says we're alike. too much pride. once i would have been overjoyed to hear him say that. now I'm not certain. ]#dorian pavus: ic. [ you find joy in it not shame. it shows. / why be ashamed? power should be respected. not swept under the carpet. ]#dorian pavus: inquiries. [ stop talking like you're waiting for applause. / what? there's no applause? ]#dorian pavus: countenance. [ i'm here to set things right. also? to look dashing. that part's less difficult. ]#dorian pavus: introspection. [ selfish i suppose. not to want to spend my entire life screaming on the inside. ]#dorian pavus: meta. [ you inspired me with your marvelous antics. you’re shaping the world. how could i aspire to do any less? ]#dorian pavus: little notes. [ living a lie. it festers inside you like poison. you have to fight for what’s in your heart. ]#dorian pavus: etc. [ you can't call me pampered. nobody's peeled a grape for me in weeks. ]#dorian pavus: magic. [ don't your spells whisper things to you? what is and could be? music in the mind of strange faraway places? ]#dorian pavus: inquisition. [ we're going to get lost and starve to death. aren't we? a glorious end for the inquisition. ]#dorian pavus: tevinter. [ despite appearances. we care deeply. about everything. we have no reserve. not in war and not in love. ]#dorian pavus: felix. [ even in illness he was the best of us. with him around you knew things could be better. ]#dorian pavus: gereon. [ we used to talk about how we could make real change in the imperium. then he gave up. he stopped trying. ]#dorian pavus: halward. [ i only wanted what was best for you. / no. you wanted the best for you. your fucking legacy. ]#dorian pavus: aquinea. [ her blame was cold and smothering. never spoken but always present. he couldn't face that. not yet. ]#dorian pavus: inquisitor. [ you have too many people asking you for everything under the sun. i won't be one of them. ]#dorian pavus: solas. [ you startled me. you're always so... nondescript. / please speak up. i cannot hear you over your outfit. ]#dorian pavus: varric. [ what do you think sparkler? ten royals says the next thing we run into farts fire. / taken i win either way. ]#dorian pavus: cullen. [ gloat all you like. i have this one. / are you sassing me commander? i didn't know you had it in you. ]#dorian pavus: cassandra. [ blue scarf? why would i be wearing such a thing? / It's a painting. work with me. it'll be fantastic. ]#dorian pavus: cole. [ you say you're handsome all the time. am i? i can't tell. / you're all right. might want to rethink the hats. ]#dorian pavus: vivienne. [ i received a letter the other day dorian. / truly? it's nice to know you have friends. ]#dorian pavus: blackwall. [ point is. you should let yourself off the hook. i know bad men and you're not one. ]#dorian pavus: sera. [ you magic me: i'll put three arrows in your eye. / now we can live together in peace and harmony. ]#dorian pavus: bull. [ no qunari would accept a tevinter mage unless it was a ruse. when should i expect a knife in the back? ]#dorian pavus: corypheus. [ one of yours? / one of mine? like a pet? a giant darkspawn hamster with aspirations of godhood? ]

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hella1975 · 1 year ago

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ive never felt more rural than i have in the past few weeks since hanging out with a lad who has only ever lived in cities. what do you MEAN YOU'VE NEVER DONE A MORRIS DANCE

#he didn't even know what morris dancers WERE i said some shit like 'you know it's summer when the morris dancers come out'#and he was like 'the what now' I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY. HE'S FUCKING WITH ME SURELY #AND THIS HAPPENS SO OFTEN ABOUT THINGS I JUST ASSUMED WERE BASICS #'harvest festival 🤨' PARDON. YOU ARE JOKING #and also the CONCEPT of a village is baffling to him. i said there's probably about 100 people in my entire village #and we don't have a pub or a single shop the closest ones are in the NEXT village over which is a 3 mile walk #and this boy was HORRIFIED. we are both in a constant state of thinking the other is taking the piss #and now every time i think/do something abundantly rural im SO self-aware 😭#my mum told me the farmers are gonna do a xmas tractor run through our village this year #(they usually miss our village bc even by village standards it's tiny)#and she was like 'shame you'll miss it! i'll send you a video!' and im there already picturing this boy's face when i show it him #like sigh. yeah. yeah okay maybe the rural england is ingrained deeper than i feared. never escaping the allegations etc #had a conversation with him the other day that concluded with me 100% genuinely being like 'you need to touch grass'#i literally said 'i think it would fix you. like actually go and touch some grass what the fuck'#bc at this point he's so far removed from nature that it's INSANE TO ME. i didnt realise how much i took growing up rurally for granted #THESE PEOPLE DONT EVEN GET DRUNK IN FIELDS. THEY HAVE NO FIELDS. I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT A CAMP OUT WAS

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fitpacs · 5 months ago

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#i feel so helpless when i see people being so down on themselves #the community is definitely smaller now and i get why but for those that remain and continue to create #to think that it’s something they’re doing wrong - IT ABSOLUTELY ISN’T #and i wish i could do something to make everyone believe that #i wanna hug everyone and tell them how bright they still make this community - or what remains of it - still so cosy and lovely #whether it’s someone i don’t know in the tag or one of my friends it stings still #this community has some of the most exceptional talent i’ve ever seen -#talent in every form - and as someone that has gone through many fandoms and hate at their creations i tend to not look at numbers anymore #but i get it why people do - i get it SO MUCH #to not get the recognition - it hurts. i get it!#but i’ve learned over time that there are COUNTLESS ‘ghost readers’ or ‘ghost viewers’ that see and appreciate your work but just don’t-#interact with it - i was one of those people up until january this year!#my ao3 was already flooded with qsmp fics before i made this blog and i didn’t have the fitpacs account yet so didn’t leave kudos or anyth #but my point is - i get entirely why it’s easy to get wrapped up #i’ve been there but honestly - you are so appreciated #and i know me saying this makes no difference and i don’t expect to #but i love and appreciate this community with my whole heart #and whether you are someone i speak to a lot or we’ve never spoken at all - thank you for your beautiful creations #it’s a real shame how things went down behind the scenes obviously #but it’s so beautiful that so many people still have such passion to create #and if there is ANYTHING i can do to help build peoples spirits with regards to this please let me know #this community has done so much for me (more than you know) and i really want to give #something back

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cheeseknives · 28 days ago

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Instagram keeps showing me reels of someone with a handle named something like jamesmaythristtraps and like, they are truly doing gods work but I can't like or comment on these masterpieces because I know what kind of snitch of an app it is 😔

#well atleast now I have figured out how to keep myself warm in upcoming winter months #no but #how do people handle their relatives following them online #????????#pretty recently friend of a friend was like “oh what's your insta =)??”#and its like #I have four posts and one of those is mf rick astley should I be explaining myself ??#banging my head against the table like why couldn't I just get my fangirling on for bts or something #or maybe more like out of all the 80s acts why did I fall hard for the one who is memed to death #I mean okay rickrolling can be funny #and he looked goofy there #top tier Tintin cosplay #even with my attraction to James its like #I feel like I should be explaining myself because he's old #and most likely not what when people think about male celebrities people drool over ...#maybe shamed myself into thinking “I shouldn't be attracted to this” “this is abnormal so it must be wrong”#I mean tons of girlies like men like him #but then I see guys my age say things like “I should go to the gym so women would pay attention to me”#or putting weird flexing photos on their dating profiles (not even just flexing with their muscles but like cars or watches... or fish...)#like I don't care about your boring ass new volkswagen ????#and in that case it wasn't even just one photo... I don't care for new cars they all look the same :-/#it just makes me go ? am I supposed to be attracted to this ?#is this the norm??#why can't I be normal aaaa #so in conclusion #I'm deeply ashamed of my interests and attractions lol #hopefully I will someday grow out of this #all the peer support is welcomed on this post lmao

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cloudd-nyne · 7 months ago

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#having a creative rut feeling #gonna rant #im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well #and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that #like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw #but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it #i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh #idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make #and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame #but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset #im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay #bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know #I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content #multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame #but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't #vent ish

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balkanballad · 7 months ago

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had a day that made me think oh that was a bit heavy on the symbolism, wasn't it

#j. talks #went to visit my brother in his uni city and also connected it with an event there #I know this event because I went there once with a uni course that of course was with my fave former prof #so I know she's usually there but it's a bigger city and Friday and there are a lot of things at different locations #chances are not zero but I thought come on if anything it will be casual running into her #well as I was waiting with my brother and a whole crowd of people to be let in who do I hea #and see :))) yeah it's my fave prof. and I told my brother and he told me to go and say hi but there were so many people already talking to #her and also going there and saying hi so I simply couldn't. I literally froze our shoulders were nearly touching but she wasn't even facin #me and taking and I just followed my brother and he was like???#what was that?? and I didn't know. and he asked my why I looked so shameful out of all the emotions I chose shame #and I don't know. I don't know why shame I consuming me no matter where I go. but she was busy and imagine I go up and she has no idea who #am anymore. they had to burry me right there and then. so that was that :) now #the name of that street of the location burned into my memory as I was facing the wall well it's the name of [redacted] who I never really #get over and it's been 10 years now soon. and we had a similar experience in December :) where I would have loved nothing more really than #to talk (in Decembar definitely also other things that I miss on some days very much) but I barely got a wave #so yeah :) I actually had a great day but I am more than overwhelmed. I feel like crying and hiding #taurus season is apparently not here to save me? idk #is this all about wasted potential and shame stopping me? maybe. but how the fuck do I get it out of me

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fire-in-my-woods · 13 days ago

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Haven't had much of a choice but to face my problems head-on of recent. My worst nightmare. Funnily enough, this "road to recovery" has kept me in a constant state of distress and sickness.

#it's going to be months before i even get HELP.#its just receptionist after receptionist. doing the things that make me sick to my stomach over and over #the things i need help with. and i havent become desensitized to it. its actually made my generalized anxiety ten times worse #i lack motivation completely. ive done nothing. nothing recently #my MaDD is off the charts. i do nothing but pace and talk to myself these days.#i dont want to do this anymore. ive had “ptsd” flareups. i put it in quotations cause im not exactly diagnosed #but fucking god if it doesnt feel like it. think i need to get out of this house. obviously the memories will never leave if #my everyday setting is a million red warning signs and reminders #ive nowhere to go. i dont know how to be a normal person.#theres nowhere i WANT to go. i dont want to do anything. i have no plan for the future and never have #nothing nothing nothing thats all life has been my whole life. what the fuck #sorry ik this is pretty emo for me but its been worse thess past few days. i prob delete this in like an hour out of shame #but for now ill post it here. whatever #[ RJ ]

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falling-hand-in-unlovable-hand · 11 months ago

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the worst part of break is the last day when you're just drowning in stress thinking about going back. i feel literally physically nauseous

#the stupidest part is that i'm so fucking stressed mostly about my fucking FILM class #more than any of my honors courses #i haven't done enough work in it at all and i'm so embarrassed about it so i don't want to start working on it and show how little i have #done so i get even more behind #i have a film i have to make and it's only half done and now i can't fucking find it in my files cuz i'd planned on working on it this brea #but i got sick and wasted 4 days of my already stupidly short break #i have TWO whole presentations on an actor and a director and i don't CARE or know about any actors or directors #i just feel sick #i wish i could drop it or just fucking fail it but i can't #it's so so stupid #i'm never gonna be able to take another class with that teacher from the fucking shame i feel actually horrible every time i go in her clas #and the worst part is that it's literally my fault i could have just done the fucking work and i didn't #kiwifae says shit #ugh okay this made me feel better i need to just figure out my actor director presentations (which are my fucking final btw 😭)#i accept the shit grade i'm getting on the film i can fix it if i make decent presentations i'm just mad i'm doing bad and getting so #stressed over a dumbass extra class like film production like what #i still don't think i can take another class with her she's really pleasant but i just feel so so sick whenever i go in there cuz i feel so #guilty #which is a shame cuz she teaches photography which i would really like to take #maybe senior year idk i might not care anymore then #also i'm aware this isn't a normal amount of shame and anxiety just for procrastinating i just feel super bad abt this for some reason #sorry for ranting but i'm just blehhhhhhh rn #ok i'm gonna get something to eat and take a shower maybe i'll feel less like i'm dying #👍

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