#ive nowhere to go. i dont know how to be a normal person.

[echo-s-land]

Someone told me that he 'like hanging around with me' and he 'love my smile' today

[lightnersdream]

[1hyunjae]

Just had the worst panic attack of my life

[readymades2002]

genuinely it is difficult having cultivated the like. taste in fiction that i have now that i am in a place where i'm trying to talk to people more and make friends and so on and so forth and this is the field i'm having to play on with them. i don't think anyone has to be critic-brained (i do think its good to recognize that media is Authored and to look at things with both eyes open but some people simply enjoy things in other ways and i may get irritated by that but i don't suppose its Wrong) and i have in fact met people who Will meet me in that field but it doesnt change that the field i like to play in is much different and no one is expected to meet me there in the same way i am expected to play ball with marvel fans

[banamine-bananime]

AITA for trying to save my friend and keep the rest of my asshole friends safe from their bad decisions?

I (M26) just went through this real shitty breakup. So basically, my ex C (M lmao man fuck if i know his age idek if knows it. or has one i guess) has this god-fucking-awful habit of deciding to solve every problem by dying about it and/or fucking off without so much as a word to the people unfortunate enough to give a shit about him, except maybe his sister (unhelpful for the rest of us because she also inherited the "fucking off without a word" gene. man fuck this whole family for making me care about them. whatever). Also, killing himself inside peoples brains thats like a whole hobby for him. like okay either ghost us OR kill yourself in front of us altering the trajectory of our lives forever PICK ONE like a NORMAL person.

Okay wait im not explaining this well. So years ago C and W (M37 now) were partners but C was, uh, in a really bad place mentally (S is telling me this is more diplomatic to say than "crazy af") and that situationship ended as badly as a situationship can end. I mean W's told me he pretty much had his sense of identity as someone separate from C totally destroyed by that for a while, which like, in hindsight its kinda an accidental dick move that our team made him take C's legal identity, but in our defense a) the fuck were we supposed to know?, b) tbf he really did need it not to go back to prison, c) it's not like C was using his identity, on account of the fucking off and effectively-dying-as-a-solution habits, and d) i mean. i gotta admit it's also pretty funny in a really fucked way.

aw shit derailed on a tangent again

recently its just like, we just get so focused on one thing its hard to remember anything else, you know?

S is so good at getting us back on track though. thank god because you would not believe the number of irons weve got in the fire to keep track of, its ridiculous. (i love making my partner be the planner in the relationship lol. highly recommend being a passenger princess in the body sometimes. fuck massages, i'm telling you THIS is what you need after a long day getting shit DONE and taking care of everyone else's messes)

So I met C 6 years ago, right out of basic, when we were privates stationed at the same base. middle of nowhere. shit, this is gonna be hard to explain, just realized i should use different names for C to keep them straight. I knew "A" and W knew "E", i didnt meet E until years later. theyre alters and also the same guy but also not the same guy. dont worry about it if you dont get it bc ive dated both of them and i dont think i do. my life is stupid.

Bunch of bullshit happened, A ghosted (lol. you'd be high-fiving me if you knew him) and then found a problem to solve by dying. you get it by now.

Then i meet E, E encounters a problem and tries to die about it round one (i guess round two, after exploding in W <- LOL. you should be high-fiving me right now), E's sister drags him back to the land of the living, E ghosts, W and i start dating, W tries to martyr himself and disappears because i guess E rubbed off on him (dude i am on a fucking roll. you should be high-fiving me out of pity for my glamorously miserable soap-opera life if nothing else. homophobic not to), our team gets W back, E strolls back like he has no idea why im mad at him, we fight about it, makeup-makeouts about it, and E tries to die about it round two: in my brain boogaloo.

So thats how S and i meet. oops, guess i never introduced S? Feels weird to have to introduce ourself twice, people dont really meet us separately anymore LOL. S (M, ageless) is also C's alter, my partner in life and badassery and brain and body. and obviously freaky sex stuff, that goes without saying but i'm saying it anyway to brag. the swish swish to my stabbing people who really deserve it. Not really interested in your opinion on our relationship, it's not what i'm asking about. we're aware its not conventional, because we're not fucking braindead. Im so sick of all the "oooohhhhh this isn't healthy", "he's a male manipulator and youre codependent i know bc i learned psychology from tiktoks by girls with green hair", "why are you wearing your ex-boyfriend's armor colors while wearing his dead ex-boyfriend's armor while dating and sharing a brain with your dead mutual ex's alter", "have you considered going to therapy instead of a quest against death itself" blah blah blah. If youre so bored you need to judge our life then just get your own 🙄🙄🙄

we've been really on that sigma grindset the last few weeks. S has got our sleep optimized down to a tight triphasic 3.46 hours and we're minmaxing the fuck out of the rest of every day. Biohacked to shit over here. too much to do, so we have to make there be enough of our time to do it. who else is gonna? my teammates? the REDS? we're half batman half babysitter to a gaggle of idiots who can barely be trusted to wipe their own asses, let alone fight their own battles and make decisions like "wah wah wah A is dead let's just give up and cry about it or whatever".

Don't even get me started on W. Oh youre all about character-building wake up and grind self-improvement and taking leadership until we're making decisions you dont like, i guess. WHATEVER. this is why we dont listen to you.

its hard, okay. like, you cant understand the sheer fucking stress were under trying to keep all our plans going smoothly while keeping these guys safe while they're basically actively trying to unravel every carefully-laid thread and also strangle themselves in them. im probably going prematurely grey and also losing some time. its hard to remember when we need to hold back and use the kiddy gloves. i really didnt want to come to holding - uh, we'll call him MC (M25) - by the throat, passed-out. he's like a brother to me, been through thick and fucking thin together, so yeah, i feel really bad about that, my bad, we were the asshole there, but like, maybe stop throwing yourself in the way? like run out into the road you're gonna get hit by a truck no matter how hard they slam the brakes. mfw the conses quence. but im NOT asking about that. everyone's been on our dick about "please god stop doing all of this" and abandoning A and trying to break us up way before that, and THAT'S what im asking about

Anyways tl;dr are we the asshole for getting shit done when it takes methods that all our monday morning quarterback friends dont like

_____

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

it really was a dick move to dangle my teammate's limp body in a chokehold even though it was basically an accident and also not even directly relevant to the question

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might not be the asshole:

okay but we're right

[mayxo-hxh]

Hi, I love your take on Hisoka, it's made me view him in a different light. I was wondering what ur take on illumi is? Do you have any headcanons for him? I saw ur post on Hisoka being shy, do u think Illumi is the same? (If u have any hisoillu headcanons too I'd love to hear them) :D

Hello!! Im really happy to hear that :)

I have LOOOTS of hcs for the both of them!! Ive been fixated on these two for four whole years i genuinely have too much to mention in one post lol so if you have any specific questions about specific hcs, do tell me!! Its a bit difficult to answer very broad questions like this bcs i dont know where to begin haha;;

I can very confidently say though, Illumi is absolutely nowhere near shy. At least-- not by the definition. In my eyes, Illumi is a very blunt and straightforward person with no social filter. I do like to think when it comes to hisoillu in general Illumi gets flustered here and there when dealing with his husband like any normal human in love is to be. But when it comes to being an actual shy introvert like hisoka-- absolutely not. You can tell the difference between how Illumi deals with people vs Hisoka. Hisoka is like the textbook definition of an introvert-- someone who constantly avoids people unless he wants to be the center of attention (mainly negative attention so it keeps people away anyways)

General hisoillu hcs would be... I like to humanize them. I like giving Illumi moles, stretch marks and arthritis from his transformation and eyebags from the amount of times he stays up for his missions. Also scars from his training that are faded. For hobbies I like to think hes extremely interested in learning. Just learning. Whatever hes learning doesnt matter, but knowledge is a very prominent fact about him and the zoldycks in general. So while I hc hes extensively knowledgable about anatomy and the economic and political states of the world (those pretty much canon tho lol) and the world in general, I like to always write him extending his knowledge in fics like learning a new language in his spare time or reading books in general. I could expand much more on hobbies including people watching and hanging out with his siblings but i feel like if there is a tumblr word limit i would 1000% exceed it lol.

I like to give Hisoka freckles on his tan skin (in the manga his skin is quite tan) that he hides and many more scars that are also hidden like he'd hide his arm scars after machi healed them. also the one time togashi drew him with hip dips. I liked that! I like to give him a human backstory like initially having a family that he either abandoned or was abandoned by to go on his own journey (not necessarily tragic, though i do not think tragic backstories take away from a character no matter how evil tbh. If anything, I strongly believe that babies are blank slates when it comes to morals until theyre taught otherwise by their environment.) And positive hobbies like cooking for himself because he only ever relies on himself and doesnt trust anybody else, which also goes with the hc of him not being a fan of taking any medication so hes a "tough it out" girlie. which also consequently affects other hcs like my trans hisoka hc and him not getting top surgery until after he married illumi because he does not trust a mf to put him under during it but he does trust illumi-- ITS A LOOONG STORY

I also like to consider their reoccurring personality traits as symptoms for neurodivergence. Like Illumi's bluntness and overly honest personality being autism and his highly emotional sides to him being BPD (i do have a thread on that!) and for Hisoka his hyperactivity and addiction for stimulating fights as ADHD (the adhd video i made abt him covers some of it lol) and you could argue a personality disorder for him as well to match with his hubby.

Also the queer hcs like i mentioned, transmasc genderfluid hisoka that doesnt mind all pronouns that i also hc as demiaroace and pansexual/bisexual while for Illumi I hc him as gay demiaroace agender, etc. These help a lot in figuring out their identities too.

Stuff like that are just the "layouts" for them in my brain that help me immensely when writing fics for them. You have to know everything extensively for the actions that they make to come naturally so when you throw them in a situation, you immediately know how they'd react (ex: sick hisoka would refuse to take meds, or more specifically like in my fic tolerate me darling hisoka was cramping and refused to take pain meds for it so illumi had to use his pins etc etc)

Those are pretty much the surface hcs i have for them that I always consider when it comes to any scenario or extra hc or fic/art or anything. For anything very specific, you'd have to ask about it for my brain to remember ehehe ^^

[kitsun3imp0ster]

as an intro to the new year, have a little regretevator based rant by me.

ahem.

good lord some of the new characters are... really poorly written. im speaking specifically about folly and stat, but lets just focus on stat for this since shes definitely the worst of the two.

first of all, her personality is completely incomprehensible. its like 5 different people are trying to write a single character, yet not communicating with one another at all, and it shows. shes stated to be 'cowardly' and not engaging in conflict, but all she ever does is fuck with people and insult them. then, of course, shes stated to be putting on a friendly facade. where is the friendly?? theres none of it. again, she just insults people. to their face.

the worst bit is the fact that she straight up hits mozelle with a death threat when mozelle is one of the nicest characters in game. what is cowardly about that??

'ohh shes just scared!! her home dimension has been destroyed!!' ... where did you get that info? and you cant say the wiki. because guess what, NOWHERE. NOWHERE in game is this mentioned. with the new floppy discs, MAYBE. but dude. the floppy discs alone are such a cop-out for not wanting to reveal lore in an actually sensible way.

back to stat. her design too is... ugh. out of the game, its perfectly fine. the creator draws her with perfectly normal proportions and makes her look, you know, not 10 years old. in game?? the proportions are totally fucked. i still dont understand how that happened. her torso is absolutely tiny compared to the rest of her. not to mention her head proportions which, again, makes her look like a child. and hey, maybe when you create a character, maybe make them look like an adult before saying their age is 'up to interpretation'. i would NOT have this much of an issue with her design if, again, she didnt look like an actual child and had her age up to interpretation.

(how the creator, beachsideufo [credits to them] draws her outside of the game, vs her in game. notice the normal torso length and the less childish proportions)

and before you say anything, i have the exact same issues with gnarpy. ive seen the claim go around that 'if stat and folly were men, people wouldnt have these issues!!!!' oh yes the fuck i would. a bad written character is a bad written character, no matter the gender.

and hey, people can have their opinions, and im not gonna completely bash people who like stat and folly. you can like what you like. but good god. if i see one more stat/folly fan getting hyper aggressive towards people criticizing the characters (with very valid criticisms against them), im gonna tweak

thats the end of my tedtalk. stat personally sucks as a character and the devs need to do better and need to stop being lazy with their character writing. thank you and good night.

[wheelie-sick]

hi! if you dont feel comfortable answering this no pressure, i completely understand! im assuming the bipolar disorder diagnosis (sorry this is the only way ive seen it referred to) didn't just come out of nowhere as like a surprise diagnosis or anything, but what had you start thinking that you might have something wrong? sorry idk if im wording this right, but when did you start thinking that you might have bipolar disorder? i think i might have it, but i don't know if it's just me finding myself in the list of symptoms or what. i was talking about how i want to go on birth control because i spend a lot of time flip flopping between "everyone sucks and should die" combined with just generally being really angry, and then i might have a week or two of being a functional human being, then i'll switch to "i suck and i should die" combined with generally being depressed and anxious. i've always just chalked it down to my period and i was planning to ask my doctor for birth control, but after my friend mentioned it i keep thinking about it. anyways like what had you start thinking that you might have it?

my bipolar disorder diagnosis actually did come pretty much out of nowhere. I have bipolar 1 and was diagnosed after my first manic episode because it was incredibly textbook. I had a history of severe depressive episodes (though that's not required for bipolar 1) and had occasional elevated barely-hypomania-if-that episodes. nothing really on the charts.

suddenly I got very absorbed in a Palestine solidarity encampment to the point I was skipping classes, missing midterms and subsequently finals, not moving my stuff out of the house with the lease ending, and spending about 4 hours a day at max at home. my roommates (one of whom being my best friend) practically didn't see me for over a month. running away like this is incredibly typical of manic episodes and I was on the mild end-- I've heard of people running away halfway across the globe.

I started engaging in a lotttttttt of criminal activity to a life-threateningly-dangerous level. I got away with all of this so you get no examples

I wasn't sleeping. I would go days without sleep, I probably averaged around 2-4 hours a night the entire first month. I felt completely well rested and energetic. I wasn't eating either.

my friends earnestly thought I had taken up doing crack. they described me as "as if all of my mannerisms stayed the same but my personality was scooped out and replaced with someone else"

I was inconsiderate and I was easily annoyed. people would tell me things and I'd earnestly listen in the moment then forget and/or disregard them the next hour.

I could go on.

mania and hypomania are not being normal and functional. they are quite the opposite, really. you feel normal but you are anything but and you are far from functional. people lose jobs, fail classes, go bankrupt, go to jail, etc. because of manic and hypomanic episodes.

[headcanon-territory]

☆ ~ Part 6 review and rambles - by a person who has part 6 as their first TV series watch -> reasons why because of that one edit in instragram that made it look cool

☆ CHAPTER 1 - Herlock Shomes arc aka Lupin III snooze fest ☆

>Ok to simply start, Part 6 has one of my favorite character designs in the series, I really love work of the Art Director of this Part and 2 of the specials they worked in

-But Part 6 Lupin is too attractive for me that I'm not normal when he comes up sometimes

-On a scale of attractiveness Teal Jacket is up there with Koike Lupin and CGI Lupin

~☆

>Art direction good, Animation was rough on them though

> especially the car scenes girl those are part of this series' core that it's kinda funny - they could have cheesed their way in making it cool by yknow by cutting the fps and do some squashing magic but I dont think budget and time can make up anything for it

>I should watch Part 5 for more Albert and Yata especially Albert because Yata, in comparison to what I said in the movie review post is actually... ok just not as exceptional as Prison of the Past Yata

>Ok to the biggest flaw this part have done - The Sherlock Holmes arc that took half the season

-ive been 2x speeding that whole thing because to simply put: It's almost all talk, the characters are cramped into one scene standing so awkwardly, NERFED ZENIGATA

-they should have some time to flex out the thing with Lily and Lupin because it feels so off that she immediatly knew that Lupin didn't kill her father with ease. Girl let the mystery be a mystery like how did she easily move on when that girl is trauamatized by his mere presence the first time she saw him

>And Sherlock and Lupin immediatly resolved their conflict with eachother when Sherlock disguised himself as Zenigata despite how they advertised part 6 as Lupin vs Sherlock

>SERIOUSLY ONE EPISODE WITH THEM INSIDE A LITTLE RESTAURANT WITH CRIMINALS?? THE TALKING TOOK HALF THE EPISODE IN ONE SETTING

>The Angel Fossil episode was written by Mamoru Oshii right?? Man nice to know he got a chance to show off a piece of his cancelled idea back then

-but instead of The little girl actually being an angel from the original pitch it's that blonde dude from the beginning actually being The Archangel, Michael.

-its an interesting plot but sadly was boring

-Do like that Heaven is canon to Lupin

>The time period episodes are the ones I only enjoyed along with the episode with a treasure hunter Grandma - Sad that they were kinda fillers and could have been used for more stuff with Sherlock

>GOT YURI BAITED FUCK

>God I don't think the production crew was enjoying the first half the moment theyre done with that and immediatly up with some Lupgang shenanigans felt like they can stretch their legs again

>I'm not a Sherlock Holmes fan but the closest thing that I watched related to this series is The Great Mouse Detective and I'm telling you TMS, you guys fumbled such a concept about Lupin III against Sherlock Holmes

>the story was almost all talk, they explained that shit to you with no proper buildup I was 2x speeding this shit in one day before school starts

>"Pops is not a badass" TMS count your days

~ CHAPTER 2: The Tomoe Arc ~ Mommy issues fuckfest ~

>Now Tomoe arc is the good shit and I'm so mad that the Lupin vs Sherlock thing was the thing that advertised Part 6 primarily

>infact all of my screenshots from Part 6 is from this half of the series

>Ok we have the Lupin fangirl episode, a Fanfiction episode, the episode with the fashion designer and Goemon -- THOSE ARE MY FAVORITES - AND THEY ARE ALL CONNECTED TO THE ARC THEY WERENT FILLERS??

>Me rn

>She got most of them from Pinterest boards

>I would have those photos as my pfp btw

>I like sweet man Lupin alot that's why I refuse to watch the more harsher lupin media because sweet lupin is such a comfort character

>I'm sorry Part 6, that whole monologue of Lupin in the trailer going "I'm a villain, I do bad stuff" goes nowhere in this series because Teal Jacket Lupin acts specifically like Cagliostro Lupin especially when he's with Mattea

>also Mattea kinda deconstructs the trope of the innocent girl character that we always have in the movies especially how Lupin treats her

-man she is fucked up but sad they didn't show her story more clearly

>Actually all the "Dangerous Women" that appeared each episode also deconstucts the whole thing with the NPC girls from the movies existing there for Lupin to solve their problems with how all of them are containing pieces of a puzzle that Lupin has to solve for his own problems - only for that problem to escalate

>The episodes that distances itself from the plot were fun that I didn't mind

>I'm gonna peg you Lupin

>I'm so horny for Teal Jacket Lupin save my soul

>Stupid snork minimi outfits

>Also the fact they even explained why the Lupgang are shown cooking dinner and have turns is because of Poker

-isnt that the most (unconvetional) marriage thing ever

>Even the 2nd half dosent Yuri Bait you this immediatly is superior than whatever the first half tried to offer

>Ok now the Tomoe arc has some unavoidable flaws, of course the ending and the reveal was lackluster and turns out that Tomoe was just chilling somewhere but hey what else can they do

>But the 2 episodes before the ending was wow..

>slowly and surely we are trying to figure out the nature of Tomoe through all the perspective of the girls and only in Episode 22, we finally got a peak of what Tomoe is capable of

>and how fucked up she is - Tomoe is doing all of that just to get Lupin back??

[TW:S/A AND SUICIDE MENTION]

-She has to fuck up lives of girls especially with Mattea and Mariel like girl?? You are manipulating a girl that she loves the guy that raped her???? And even got another girl in the scene to shoot the men Mariel interacted with and shoot herself after

>Wow how everything is set up and all comes together is great. sad that they all end up standing there in the last confrontation

>Also the surreal parts and fucked up lupin is what I came for holy shit look at that

>Tomoe's plan can't work dawg has his gang on the back of his mind

-Also the cage symbolism

-i really fuck with these scenes

>tomoe those cards aren't meant for you and Lupin that's meant to represent The Lupgang and their poker nights in order to see who's cooking dinner

>Fujiko's symbol item was a lipstick?? but what else can represent Fujiko

>Should have some Zenigata in there because of them being in eachother's subconcious

>Also fucked up Lupin shots goes so hard

>I should watch Mamo I need to dissect the lupins

>I absolutely love Tony Oliver's performance I was interested on how hes gonna work this past episodes out especially that this cast started with this series on crack

>The ending was saved by the conclusion being Polycule love wins

>and the lupgang being important to Lupin kinda shows too during the episodes with the ladies and how they are also connected to some of them

>seriously hold up

-You woke up from a hypnotist's trance because of your "companions"

- Your 'partner' shoves a cigarette into your mouth that was from his MOUTH

-said that they have dinner duties when one of them lose to poker

>Yea Fujiko you simply said that one episode regarding the lupgang, "I wouldn't call them exactly friends"

Yea because THEIR YOUR BOYFRINEDS!!!! YOUR STUPISF BOYFRIENDS!!!1!‼️‼️

>also the series after this was Lupin: Zero and weirdly never shows Lupin's mom but what they show is that Grandpa Lup and Dad Lup are also terrible parents so therefore: Lupin is the result of unproper care when he was a kid, genetics by horrible people and his only loving figure was a creepy woman that manipulated him

~~~~ END - What could've been & Zenigata ~~~~

How everything was set up in the tomoe arc and how that part of of the season was enjoyable enough I do wish They executed it better because alot of ideas had so much potential

Especially some scenes in the middle of the sherlock Holmes part

Like Zeni telling Yata to leave because the case is not safe for him since he knows the lengths Lupin can go and plus Sherlock Holmes but Yata refuses as he won't leave his teacher. Cool right?? And then got fucked over with the lack of Zenigata just for Sherlock to shine.

The overwhelming lack of Zenigata was the biggest flaw this part done even for the 2nd half. The writers don't wanna handle him that they put him in fucking jail for some Yata screentime. I love Yata but Yata content in exchange for Zenigata's??

And Zenigata was the guy that found out Tomoe's hiding spot for the audience to know but he came there last minute

And even they put the usual lupgang shenanigans in the last second

But in the end: Part 6 was saved in the second half but was still overshadowed by the very very undercooked first half that would have worked If the production team even tried

and The cast being so enjoyable kept me going but it really shows that without them I wouldn't have watched anything from the part at all..

~ ~ ~ ~

Sivhghgh,; you can even watch the 2nd half without the need of watching the 1st - It's fun and fun angst

[sharpiedoodleee]

hiiii so. i know im an art blog or whatever but this is something i was possessed to write a little bit ago thats been gathering dust in my drafts for a long while now. ive got a lot of half finished art wips that im not entirely sure im going to go back to so i thought youd enjoy Some kind of content

just dont get used to it, im not a writer :)

SSKK: feelings realisation, ffffluff (?), atsushi's somehow undiagnosed PTSD, (slight) panic attack

I swear it's happier than it sounds

= S I N N E R =

“you’re a mess”

“i am not a mess-“

“ryuu, i can tell you’ve been crying”

that makes him pause, faltering a step before tutting and looking off to the side. damned jinko and his tiger senses.

“before you ask i wasn't on about your- very obvious, by the way, you should work on that- about your breathing. although, it is really concerning-“

“jinko-“

“what? you wheeze on a good day akutagawa and you and i both know it”

ryuunosuke glares.

atsushu sighs, removing his hands from his hips and letting the reactionary tension bleed from his shoulders. this is getting him nowhere. he twirls his aching wrists, clenching and unclenching his hands in that way he knows akutagawa would normally snap at him for had he not be so busy trying to keep himself upright. he sighs again

“just-“ atsushi softens his tone, careful to keep the concern out of his voice “show me. where you’re injured.” at the scathing look akutagawa diegns him with, it seems he wasn't careful enough. atsushi clenches his jaw and breathes in through his nose. he never thought listening to kunikidas breathing excercises would come in handy for him - he likes to think hes a fairly calm person, but getting akutagawa to take care of himself would break even the most patient man.

he rolls his eyes “seriously, i could smell the blood on you before i could see you ,ryuu. im just really hoping its all yours”

ryuunosuke huffs a quiet “you’re such a bitch” that startles a incredulous laugh from atsushi. the tiger watches as the other man groans in defeat and lets himself sink to the floor; bracing against the brick behind him and clutching at his seemingly still bleeding side. if the weretiger is going to be so needlessly invasive he may as well rest, ryuunosuke muses, its not like the jinko hasnt seen him in worse conditions. he cringes away memories of a fleeting confession at sea, bleeding out infront of the detective again probably isnt the appropriate time to talk about it.

atsushi stops, squints, reassessing the mafioso “unless youve broken our promise-“

“alright- i messed up, jinko. is that what you wanted to hear? who knew you were such a fucking sadist-” he growls, annoyed now that the weretiger is still so untrusting of him “but i am not so imprudent as to keep my mistakes from you- seeing as that detective agency has finally taught you how to use that brain of yours” he doesnt bother to keep the bitterness out of his tone, they have both said and done much worse to each other after all. he leans back, ignoring his aching body’s protests and meets the weretigers now raised brow.

ryuunosuke sighs and goes lax against the wall, closing his eyes. fucking jinko…

“i have done a lot of shit in my life, jinko, but never once have i lied to you. i havent broken our promise and i wont. you should know this by now, you fool.”

the weretiger twitches, the name seemingly triggering something as his gaze slides off of ryuunosukes eyes and down to his neck. as the silence drags on the older opens his eyes, furrowing his brow as he takes in the jinkos frozen frame. His pupils are near pinpricks, jittering in the confides of his iris as his body is wracked with tremors. hes alarmingly silent, even as the tears overflow and begin to stream down his cheeks, even as his face contorts unattractively and his breathing speeds up. he wraps his arms around himself and ryuunosuke begrudgingly drags himself to his feet once again.

“…jinko?”

…

no response.

ryuunosuke blinks, the weretiger better not be fucking with him. he takes a tentative step forward, raising his palms placatingly from around his side and coiling rashomon around himself to hopefully keep his innards in, gods willing.

“atsushi…can you hear me?”

as he approaches he realises that atsushis now vacant gaze is still fixed to the wall ryuunosuke was sat against, seemingly caught on a ghost only he can see. hes yet to react to his aproach. doesnt seem to have noticed him move at all, really. and isnt that unusual? for someone who was just bitching about being able to hear every weary breath ryuunosuke took, the weretiger is alarmingly still. too struck by whatever horror his mind has conjured up this time to be aware of his surroundings, ryuunosuke imagines.

how the detective agency are still so seemingly oblivious to the weretigers plight ryuunosuke doesnt know.

but its not like he cares about the jinko.

…right?

shaking his head, the mafioso pushes that train of thought away and braces himself. if the jinko hadnt literally just been questioning his integrity as a partner he wouldve probably felt more guilty for what hes about to do, hes aware its horribly unorthodox. if his sibling knew of this they would surely have his head but its not like he has many options seeing as atsushi is near narcose. it may be brutish and harsh, even cruel to some,

but it works.

ryuunosuke taps the still quivering shoulder of the tiger and is unsuprised when that impassive gaze snaps to him with a mildly concerning crack of the jinkos neck. when that achingly familiar glow halos the alley in blue ryuunosuke sucks in a breathe and drops himself as low as he can to the sticky concrete below. his vision swims from the sudden movement and he can feel rashomon tighten her grip on his still bleeding wound, unsure if it was him who told her to or simply a byproduct of his coats concern.

he laughs deliriously. his coat is concerned but his supposed partner just tried to gut him? what a world he lives in…

gods, he hopes the tiger doesnt fancy a brawl in this tight, urine soaked alley. ryuunosuke is barely clinging to his conscious as it is.

when no second blow befalls his now prone body though, he chances a look up and immediately regrets it.

atsushi is staring at him now, his eyes glassy and overflowing with tears that smear his flushed face and nearly glitter in the dull light of the alley. hes clearly attempting to reaquaint himself with reality, stanced as he is over ryuunosukes unprotected form. his arm is still half raised from attacking him; cheap, flimsy shirt lifting to reveal smooth, tan skin…the mafioso laments over his own sickly figure as his eyes are glued to the rippling muscle hiding under there. a sheen of sweat is dripping down atsushis prominent hip bone that ryuunosuke wants to follow with his tongue. his eyes dragging down the shimmering silver happy trail he can just about see in the dying light of the alley.

…fuck.

ryuunosuke quickly looks back down at the floor, suddenly intent on examining the splatter of bird shit infront of him, lest his eyes rake any lower then they already have.

see, ryuunosukes not a fool. he knows he has…feelings to the tiger. it took a lot of reluctant, midnight rants with Gin to get there but he knows. the part of this thats blindsiding him is the all consuming, almost animalistic wave of desire this prediciment has sent careening through his bloodstream. its really not the time, but ryuunosukes never cared for things like that - you cant when you live a life like his. but that lack of practice at reeling himself in is really starting to kick him in the ass. the blood loss is not helping. rashomon is tacky from seeping up the evidence of his failure and ryuunosuke is just beginning to realise a lot of that moisture should be inside him. any remaining bloodflow is joyfully re-directing itself in a more unsavoury direction and ryuunosuke is increasingly glad hes laid himself flat on the concrete floor. his head is killing him.

throughout this whole process Atsushi is still just staring down at him, blinking rather aggressively as he processes what the fuck just happened.

…ryuunosukes really not sure how he manages to get himself in these situations.

[neon-knights-mercenary-company]

For both Rowan and Ags, from that latest ask game:

1, 5, 8, and 10, plus the additional questions of "What’s the thing they’re into that they’re most embarrassed/conflicted about?" (Hobbies, interests, kinks, etc)

( @is-the-battlemech-cool-or-not )

1. What is the character’s go-to drink order? (this one gets into how do they like to be publicly perceived, because there is always some level of theatricality to ordering drinks at a bar/resturant)

R: context, baybe! Am i at a merc bar? Timbiqui Dark. I hate the stuff to be honest, but one has to keep up appearances.

Drinking on someone else's dime? Call me old fashioned, but i do enjoy an Old Fashioned. I like'em fixed with maraschino, and give the glass a spritz of absinthe before you pour. Fun fact: a surprising number of bartenders dont know that maraschino is a liqueur, and put a bouquet of fuckin cherries in your drink. Tha dinguses.

At home? I'll keep it simple, usually some combo of soda + spirits. Im particuarly fond of sasparilla and Yukon Jack.

A. I enjoy my drinks hot, not cold. Coffee with tequilla, hot coco with tequilla, tea with tequilla... you get the picture.

5. What was the last time they cried, and under what circumstances? (Good way to get some *emotional* backstory in.) 

R: my pride wants me to say it was at my mamma's teat, but... nah, lets drop the kayfabe for a sec and be real here. I cry, a whole fuckin' lot more than i admit, and nowhere near as much as i should. We joke and pal around and measure our dicks at each other, but in the end? We kill people. We visit incredible violence on our fellow human beings, and that should take a toll. And if it ever stops taking a toll? Its time to retire.

That doesn't exactly answer the question, so... last time i cried was a few nights ago. @is-the-battlemech-cool-or-not was gettin' me up to speed on the hundred years of history i missed out on, and i managed to hold it all together till i got back to my bunk. And then i broke down sobbing. Part of that was just, pent up stress from the goddamn meatgrinder of the Clan invasion. I lost almost everything- the war, half our company, nearly everyone we knew outside of that shitty ass Invader that misjumped us here.

But hell, y'know what? Ive still got that other half of my company. I still have Agata and Joana, i still got most of Fursona's Fusiliers around. Hell, i'm even reignitin' something with Remus... look, all those good things, that ive still got? Cried for that, too. It aint all gotta be tears of sorrow, you can cry for the good things too.

A: August 20th, 3028. Got pepper sprayed at Melissa and Hanse's wedding.

8. Describe the place where they sleep. (ie what does their safe space look like. How much (or how little) care / decoration / personal touch goes into it.)

R: whoo boy. Just cleared out ol' Ronnie's quarters on the Pony. Its not got much decoration yet, just the barebones cot and whatnot. Lots of stab marks in the walls and furniture from when i get bored...Kept his desk though- solid oak, from Samantha. And uhh... maybe a couple of pinups of Kamea Arano... and Candace Liao... and Hanse Davion... and-

A: Like Rowan, I've just moved quarters- her old room in fact, since I'm the XO now. I have my rock collection up on some shelves I put in- I like to get one rock from each celestial body I visit, unique if possible. Theres also stab marks all over the place that I'm filling in, thanks for that by the way Rowan.

10. What objects do they always carry around with them? (What do they need for their normal, day-to-day routine? What does ‘normal’ even look like for them.) 

R: Pistol, hormones, sunglasses. In that order.

A: I no longer have my katana from my time in the DCMS, but I do still have the wakizashi that paired with it. I still wear it, for luck.

Bonus: What’s the thing they’re into that they’re most embarrassed/conflicted about? (Hobbies, interests, kinks, etc. Gets into self-image vs how they want to be perceived vs what compels them anyway, plus backstory.)

R: Conflicted, specifically. The tough-as-nails merc persona is... its hard to keep up sometimes. I want to be vulnerable around those I love, but i have trouble turning the macho down. Its paid in dividends, over the years, in bonus c-bills made and fights avoided, but it's also taken its toll on me. And... i didnt let myself feel what i wanted to feel around someone who i now realized i loved- and still love- very much.

A: Sometimes, on my worst nights, I- I still think about my time in the DCMS. And its like I'm still there, never left, and couldnt leave if I wanted. And I dont feel scared or trapped by my superiors or my culture, or horrified by the things I'd done for the Combine. I dont feel anything but mild pride and nostalgia. I don't like those being the things I feel about that time.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas, reg kin anon back already haha

(again, cw/tw for medical stuff and complicated family dynamics)

firstly, thank you for your supportive and kind words, they really do mean a lot to me (and everyone else you help; youre genuinely such a wonderful person and deserve everything good in life ♡)

i think ive come to the conclusion that i havent really processed the whole situation yet, honestly. even though i wrote it to you, i havent actually said the words out loud about my mother's diagnosis (and honestly writing them out again is a struggle haha, like my fingers are blocked from doing it), and it kind of feels like saying it makes it real? does that make sense? i dunno. it feels so impossible to imagine my mother being genuinely sick with something so serious. 'my mother' and 'cancer' dont fit in the same sentence.

but i didnt really realise until now just how major of a major life event this is for everyone and everything. because (and remember, i have a very complicated relationship with my mother. i once defined it as 'i dont have to like you to love you' and i think thats really relevant to now, too) my mother was going to help me with moving out (both buying things ill need, as well as actually moving out on the day) but she told me yesterday that ill have to go out to get things myself because she physically cant right now. i didnt think id mind so much, i like having my own independance and doing things myself, but i went out today to buy everything i need and i was struggling so much more than i thought. i genuinely almost had a breakdown crying in the first shop i went to.

honestly part of that was because i had no idea what i needed or where was best to get it or what any of the fancy words about different types of stuff meant (like, who even knows what depth their mattress is to buy the right bedsheet?? what is a tog??? whats the difference between a bath sheet and a bath towel?? they look the same!) but also because that was something we were supposed to do together. i dont like her and theres so much about her i want to change, but theres a huge part of me that was looking forward to a parent/child experience that so many normal families have, especially because i didnt get a lot of other typical 'growing up' moments with my parents due to how my family is.

part of me, in all honesty, considered waiting to move out, partly so that she could still be part of it, and partly so that i was in a better place emotionally to be able to handle the change. but if i were to do that, id have to wait another year (im moving out to go to university, and i already put it off last year to get a job instead because i was scared and anxious about university) and i dont know that i could go a whole extra year stuck at home. theoretically, i could afford to move out and rent (or buy, if i went to one of the cheap areas) when i felt ready in however many months time, but itd be a huge drain on my savings and would be nowhere near where ill be for school the following year so itd be a waste of money and time. itd be stupid and silly for me to put off university for another year, but i did consider it. i wont, but part of me is scared and wants to.

i met up with my older brother for lunch while i was out (who, sticking with the black family dynamics, is kind of like the andromeda of my family. he moved out 5 years ago to break away from the family and rarely comes home, and is probably the one person in my life who i feel genuinely comfortable and safe around) and we talked about it which was nice, especially considering my family is typically very much a 'do not talk about your feelings at all' sort of family, and as a whole we have not discussed anything further about my mother's health or how we're all handling it since that first conversation. he was super gentle and caring and honestly that in itself made me want to cry a bit because hes just so not at all like our parents?? idk who raised him but i wish theyd raised me too hahaha

but anyway, he was really open and supporting with me. he talked a bit about how he was feeling (which was super validating, because he was also hit hard by it and had complex feelings about it all) and he was really clear too that if i needed anything at all, i could always go to him and would always be welcome at his flat if i needed time away, even when i move out. (seriously, who raised this perfect older brother????) basically he was everything i needed in that moment and i am really genuinely thankful he exists, so at least my parents made one decent thing haha

still, though. i think its starting to hit me now just how many things are going to change and, as selfish as it is, how many things im going to lose and miss out on because of it. i dont like my mother, but i want her there to help me take that next step in my adult life, yknow? she, nor my father, have explicitly said she wont be able to help on moving day, but its not likely, and theres no way on earth i could ever ask whether she will (again: selfish thinking.)

my brother did mention, though, that the type of cancer our mother has is apparently one of the worse types if it isnt caught early enough. as far as i understand it (which isnt much, honestly, i dont understand much with medicine), she has cancer in her abdomen and its usually caught too late to get rid of. i didnt know this until today, i think our father didnt want to worry me? but i dont actually know how far along the cancer is (which stage it is? i think thats the right term) and i dont know at what stage it becomes too late. my brother also didnt seem to know, but now thats put a new worry in my head because my father explicitly did not mention that to me, so of course my brain has jumped to conclusions about why and what that means. im trying not to spiral, but ever since i found out about her diagnosis, i dont actually think ive gone ten minutes without 'fuck, my mother has cancer' or something similar going through my head, and restarting the breakdown id just pushed down again.

as expected, my sister was already making inappropriate jokes about it by the next time i saw her. i spoke to my brother about this too (hes cut contact with her entirely, like i plan to) and that was part of why he offered to let me stay with him if i ever needed; to escape our sister as much as our mother. i dont understand how she doesnt care a single bit. i know shes never got along with our parents but like, at least have a little decency and sensitivity?? she was literally laughing about it and i just... i dont get how someone could be such an awful person. sure whatever, she doesnt have to be upset if she really doesnt care, but thats crossing a fucking line.

this is getting to be another long ask so im gonna stop here for now, but before i do i just want to say thank you again for being such a safe place for myself and others. you are so, so wonderful cas ♡

- reg kin anon

Hi hon ❤️❤️❤️

I know there’s not a lot I can say right now to make you feel better because unfortunately I don’t know the future. I don’t know how this will turn out and neither do you. But I want to say again that your feelings - all of them - are okay and valid and none of them are bad or shameful. It’s okay to mourn the things that you might miss and it’s okay to have mixed emotions. No feelings are right or wrong here, and I’m here when you need to vent. Also I know move in Day will be hard but I’m so proud of you for continuing to prepare for university.

Sending so much love ❤️

[ruinikaido]

i dont know how im going to cope at school knowing my best friend literally broke off our friendship out of nowhere i already skipped school yesterday and i have been incapable of behaving like a normal person i am incapable of doing anything right now to be honest ive just been sleeping and no one is taking me seriously which just makes me want to get worse

[sieglinde-freud]

36 for the ask game!

36. Share a funny FE-related story, either ingame or not!

allow me to regale you the tale of my most valuable unit ive ever had in any playthrough ever (okay. second most valuable. no one beats odin dark conquest), the most specialest boy youve ever seen!!!

dancer ferdie.

so basically i really wanted the piss color home screen in three houses and for those who dont know, basically you get a “badge of honor” unique home screen in three houses (the same exact screen recolored yellow) on maddening without new game+. i believe you can do this on casual? but im a little tryhard loser, so i picked maddening classic, picked the black eagles (crimson flower doesnt have hunting by daybreak OR a map that forces you to deploy potentially benched in house characters, so that was my pick) and started the run. only to be met with one small problem:

i am a fucking idiot.

three houses maddening isnt that hard once you know what youre doing, but the funny thing about three houses maddening is that it dropped like. six (????) months after three houses dropped just like. out of nowhere. for no reason. and i cannot turn down a challenge so i jumped into it immediately and got my ass kicked. immediately.

my main problem is that i didnt have a reliable damage soaker/tank. edelgard is tanky, but she can only take so much and her stats havent had time to snowball yet. plus, early game has poison strike three range archers, so even if she had the stats, they’d wittle her down. maddening ai is not the same as normal/hard, and at the time i didnt know how to control it, so someone had to go eat all of those hits to bait them over! but adrestia, kingdom of mages, has the durability of a piece of straw. so, we need to avoid taking damage. but we also need to bait out the ai somehow. soooo… how?

i was looking through a couple of classes that might be able to help me out and i notice that ferdinand’s personal skill gives him a certain amount of avoid at full hp. and theres a certain skill line that gives another set number of avoid if you hold a certain weapon. the lighest physical weapon (barring gauntlets) are swords, which he has a natural affinity for. but how do you get sword avoid? literally the only way is through dancer. for some fucking reason. so, i did what had to be done, expecting this to blow up in my face, but as you can tell from the fact that i am making this post, the opposite happened. because actually, as it turns out, having a refresh unit in one of fire emblem’s most difficult game modes that cannot get hit is actually very, very useful.

for the entire game after he went into dancer i chucked him on the front lines right next to edelgard, and he was pretty much a one man army. not nearly as strong physically as edelgard, but much faster and with much more utility. and, hes still ferdinand, so on the off chance he got hit by like a stray 12%, he’d easily eat that hit with his hp stat, only to be physic’d up right back to full. unkillable dancer. baited enemies like it was no ones business AND buffed my entire team just by virtue of being there. i could send my frail ass little mages into a crowd nuke someone, have ferdie dance to let them retreat to safety. edelgard and giant galeforce axe could act TWICE without worrying about dancer positioning. it was just. god. carried my whole game. and he looked GOOD while doing it. he truly is ferdinand von aegir. also took out the final map in two turns no casualties. he did that for me by the way (edelgard galeforce axe)

[unpopularwriter25]

hey!!! so Ive come across a few of your matchups, and was wondering if I could request for one!    info  

My name is Brielle, first off. brie for short!! :D (pronounced 'BREE-EL')    appearance: i dont really know how to describe my skin tone. it's like a honey-bronze, I think? im black and Mexican, but my father is a light skinned black so im not that dark in colour, and my mom is a light skinned Mexican. idk im just tan lol. 

I have dark brown eyes and im pretty sure their almond shaped, and I have naturally curly lashes. my eyebrows are short and have an itty bitty arch at the end 

my nose has a bridge, but its not bulky at all, its just kinda there.  

my lips are bow shaped. 

I have like... no shoulders. :') 

im not slim or skinny, but im also not overweight. im like.. average ig 

I think I'm a pear body shape 

im a curly girly!! im a 3a. my hair color is like a medium brown. I have natural light brown and blonde highlights, and I have a few red undertones. it falls just under my shoulders when curly, but is to my bust when straightened.

I have freckles on my cheeks and on my hands. my hands are soft (as ive been told) and my fingernails grow fast, but I bite them because of my anxiety so their usually short. 

personality: im a 100% extrovert!!! im very social and loveee talking to others!! like, I scream in public regularly. im also very sensitive. if I see someone cry, I cant help but sob with them. when I get frustrated or angry, tears. its not embarrassing to me though. I think being open with your emotions is very important!!! I also adore to laugh. like alot. ive been told that im kind of a doormat for people I have soft spots for, but for the most part im super vocal about my opinions and im strong with my vocabulary and choice of words. im normally an overall goofy and silly person, but when something serious, or something im passionate about comes up, serious brie comes alive!! I have low self esteem, and get kinda bashful when receiving compliments.. im an over thinker for sure. i overanalyze random stuff cus yes. anxiety sucks man. im also moody. one day ill literally be depressed and hate myself, the next day im smiling and cheerfully skipping around. (hey, skipping is fun, ok?) I'm super talkative- which im sure you figured out by now, haha. im also kinda jumpy cus anxiety. im bad at decision making and get overwhelmed with it.  

hobbies: I like writing. more specifically, creative writing. I love being descriptive and stuff. I love readinggggg!!!!!! books r life . im a strong believer of God and a proud Christian. I like chatting to people, i like watching tv shows, and I love music. OH. how could I forget? my passion is musical theatre. im in love with the stage and being silly on it! im a certified triple threat. Singing dancing and acting are some of my talents. though singing is probably my specialty.  

dislikes: i hate ignorant and illiterate individuals. they make me furious. I also dont like when people overcomplicate things... like bro why??? I also will NOT tolerate homophobia, racism, transphobia, or any sort of hatred. I also hate when people make fun of others who are comfortable in their own skin, and are great at expressing themselves.

likes: I love, loVE, LOVEEEEEEE flowers. my favorites are roses. I love my blanket. I sleep with 9 of them :). nobody is EVER too old for the warmth of a soft blanket. I love physical touch, cant go without it! I randomly cling onto my friends. sometimes I give hugs out of nowhere, I hold hands with my friends alot. I even give them kisses... (on the top of their head, not on the lips lmao).. 

love language:i have alot. physical touch, WOA, and quality time. like I said earlier, I loveee physical touch. and I also love telling people how much I love them and love giving people praise, sometimes I randomly text my friends "iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouuu" cus yesss. I also like spending time with people cus it makes our bond stronger and we can share so many more fun memories!! what I like receiving is mainly touch and also WOA. I blush kind of easily when my friends give me woa cus self esteem sucks lol. it also leaves a warm feeling in my heart when people say it to my face :) im gonna end it here cus ive been typing for like an hour lol. have a splendid day!!!! stay happy :)

-brie

Sorry for the delay! I hope you enjoy~!!

I ship with Gyomei Himejima!!

Gyomei is known for his deep compassion and kindness towards others, which aligns with your caring personality.

As the Stone Hashira, Gyomei possesses immense strength and is fiercely protective, providing a sense of security that you appreciate.

Both you and Gyomei value justice and empathy, sharing a strong stance against ignorance, overcomplication, and intolerance.

Gyomei’s backstory and emotional depth would resonate with your sensitive and emotional nature, fostering understanding and support.

Gyomei’s willingness to protect and his strength would align well with your love for physical touch and warmth from blankets.

Gyomei’s supportive nature would complement your extroverted and expressive personality, creating a balanced partnership.

Gyomei’s commitment to justice and protecting others would align with your vocal stance on important issues.

His calm and serious demeanor balances out your goofy and silly side, creating a harmonious dynamic.

Gyomei’s resilience and determination, as seen in his role as a Hashira, would be inspiring to you.

Both of you share a tendency to feel deeply and empathize easily with others’ emotions.

Gyomei’s spiritual nature and dedication to his beliefs might resonate with your faith as a proud Christian.

You both would likely provide mutual emotional support and understanding during times of emotional highs and lows.

Gyomei’s ability to communicate through actions and emotions complements your strong vocabulary and expressive nature.

Both of you would appreciate spending time together engaging in hobbies like reading, watching TV shows, and enjoying music.

Being with Gyomei could encourage personal growth, especially in areas of emotional resilience and deepening faith.

[bi-curious--george]

An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

I feel silly even writing this. That being said.. what's it going to hurt? I know you have a tendancy to read things and lurking in places nobody would expect.  And personally, I don't think you'll ever actually read this, but I have always wanted to tell you what a fan I am, and I figure after this many years, it may be time.  I talked myself out of writing this, thinking nobody's going to read it, and that may be true, but, one time when i was drunk, I wrote president obama about how unjust the system was and rambled about domestic violence and he wrote me back a very personal letter and if that can happen because of my words, why not try to see if you read this and I can ramble about what an impact you made in my life.  And what a hypocrite i would be if i would sit every day telling people how important their stories are, but think that mine isnt important.  I don't need a response, and don't believe I will ever get one.. But it would mean the world to me if you knew how much you saved me as a kid.  To give you some context, I am a therapist now, but I have been a fan of yours since before your first album ever came out.  And I really believe that your album was a huge reason I got through my shitty childhood to be here today.  I would love to tell you a funny little glimpse of how I'm stumbled upon you.

So i grew up just dirt poor.  And i had a really, really traumatic childhood (and adulthood, but thats a different letter, to, Obama apparently) and i remember so vividly how i became a fan of yours.  So. I was trying to take a bath.  And i loved baths - this was my escape from my awful childhood right?   and i used to play the radio while i did and I'd crank the music.  And we lived in the middle of nowhere with no actual television reception so my parents had to pay for satellite TV.  So i did have that going  for me.   So i turn on the satellite radio on my parents tv all the way up, go draw my bath down the hall, and i get in the tub and get in, and i heard your music for the first time. I wish I could remember the first song, but i dont (I am betting Tim McGraw, but i dont recall precisely). What i do remember is me running down the hall in a towel, basically tripping over myself soaking wet, literally  dripping, yelling " DON'T CHANGE IT I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS".  And you or maybe the dj? announced your first album coming out, and i instantly knew what i was going to ask for for Christmas.  

I didnt think i was going to get it.  I actually rarely got what i wanted for gifts, They normally shopped at the dollar store. Around Christmas time, i showed them your CD and begged and begged for it. I still didn't think id get it. I have vague memories of showing them the CD of yours in a Kmart and very dramatically saying  " this one! " So They couldn't claim they didn't know which one it was when Christmas time rolled around. 

The suspense is killing you, im sure. So I'll  get to it, but, I did get your cd for Christmas. And then from that point on, every time I got screamed at, every time I was hurt, or I didn't feel heard, i could at least escape. It was a peace offering of sorts in my mind, i think.   My favorite song was probably "Tied Together With A Smile". 

Life got a little hard after that, I'd become a single mom at 19 and my relationships were, well, complicated, and your music just became more and more relatable. And I just was able to pour myself more and more into your music. I've always just been so thankful for your music to be there. I found a partner and I love him, and somehow your music is still relatable.

 I've appreciated that your music  has been there the whole time.  The staying power it had in my life, from teens to 30s, I think is what made it so impactful. Your music was the soundtrack of my life while ive been learning how to reclaim my life as my own - and seemingly watching you do the same. 

I always wished I could have seen you in concert. But money got tight, then stayed tight.  I settled for what i could- scream singing in the car and shower.   

I went to grad school, had some more kids, and I became a therapist and my parents disowned me which was a wild ride.  I tried so hard to get tickets to see you this time, I didn't think I would care that much, I even anticipated it not going in my favor as I was grown now and i can handle not getting to go to a concert if they ran out of tickets.

I will admit, this Ticketmaster fiasco felt so unfair.  I had worked for so long and so hard to get to a place where i could finally see you in person.  I had been a fan since before your first album.  Life had screwed me over so many times in so many ways, but it felt like i made it through it - and now i could support myself and spend my own money and be a part of this eras tour - see all the eras i couldn't see when i was hiding from the abusive relationships or couldn't afford the albums and had to repeat them on YouTube to memorize them.  I was crushed after 8+ hours of waiting to still not get tickets. 

I'm betting not hearing you in person probably hurt more at the time because I found you when I lived with my parents and  since I had been disowned semi recently by my parents and you had been such an integral part in my healing it became this awful metaphor for me not being able to move forward.  "I'm 32, I went to grad school, i still can't buy a house for my family, my car is going to die and I can't replace it (at the time), I'm stuck at a job that doesn't appreciate me, I can't even see the one concert I wanted, where did I fuck up so bad?" and like it was an awful loop of me messing up somewhere along the line.. and I cried probably every day from the day of Ticketmaster failure until the second day of Minneapolis, and even sometimes now even thinking about losing the chance. Ticketmaster had other ideas for me i guess.  And that's not on you, that's just a me thing.  And that's for my new therapist to unpack,  😂

I still try to watch the lives on tiktok so I can try to be a part of What is likely our generations Woodstock. You are doing amazing things, and I hope that you and your family and friends are endlessly proud of you.

Regardless, thank you for being a part of my journey, I'm so glad you were there. And if you ever tour again, which I hope you do, I'll see you there. 

I wrote this whole thing out on 8/1,  I was going to print it out and mail it as I had heard that's  the best avenue..  then I never got around to it as I felt silly. It's now 8/3, the day that more dates were announced (I knew it! I knew Canada would get some dates!)  Unfortunately Minnesota did not get more dates but I'm going to register for Indianapolis  on 11/2- it's worth a shot.  🤞. I slept on it, and said to myself, Let's put it on Tumblr and let the universe decide if you should see it.