#now come i think of it im so edgy i cut myself when i talk | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pielove123clan · 6 months ago

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i associate you with clovers and red spider-lilies, macarons, sparrows, raccoon-dogs, and Ryoshu. flames as well, in the same sense that flames are sometimes associated with passion and vitality.

Geting associated with Clovers, red spider-lilies, macarons, and sparrows is a first. It means quite a bit to me that someone's interacted enough with me to have the confidence enough to come forth and tell me an answer. These are also really flattering and made me smile.

Under this cut, I'm just yapping.

I'm a big fan of finding the symbolism of objects and concepts even if it really doesn't matter in the end, unless you make it matter. Feel free to not mind these because these are just me trying to think thoughts. This is just a shallow look through websites of varying dubious credibility.

Spider-lilies: Death and rebirth is the most striking one, corpse flowers, but I really like how they look. I'm just a bit scared of being called edgy if I were to say it out loud. Luck is nice too, warding off evil sprits. Other meanings were sorrow and sadness. As i've grown up, the people around me who don't understand me told me I was very sad and I'd grow to live a sad lonely life. It's silly but it's part of the reason I feel a kinship to the sorrowful and muted, because I've been called that. I'm a pretty emotional person working on myself and growing up.

Two of my real names are flowers so I have a giant bias towards flowers and floral symbolism. It's the first time I've been compare to one of these. Unrelated, but now a days on this internet, as I grow, I feel like I'm getting too liberal with my personal information. It's fun to self-disclose though, I understand it now. Authors do it all the time, that's an autobiography. Directors do it all the time, it's called a documentary. Maybe i'll think diffrent in a year.

Sparrows: Cleverness. I guess? Compared to the people around me, not really. Sparrow songs are really pretty. Hard-work is funny because I'm pretty lazy and I procrastinate a lot. I'm not used to psychoanalysing myself but it's fun. Apparently some people think they carry the souls of the dead which is cute! Giving off joy is nice. Perseverance is an interesting one because I try to persevere on paper. Though, I have quite the laundry list of things i've picked up and given up on. Having me finnish something is a once in a blue moon occurance. Yet at the same time, there's no rules against coming back something eventually, but there's a limited time for some of those eventualies before their lost forever. But even when you lose those, you'll get new stuff, so you just gotta gauge at your own discretion. My work ethic is a mess. Im doing something or at least trying to do something, I promise. Something with luck.

Care and hope, I try I guess? Typing/talking about it is weird. It's whatever. It makes me feel egotistical but also I'm talking about myself rn still. Huh.

Clovers: Luck, if I say anything or think anything about my luck, I get bit by misfortune so I won't comment on that. Protection is nice and hope is cute. I can't find much outside these.

Macaroons: THESE COOKIES ARE EXPENSIVE BUT SO TASTY. I'm so picky about where to get them because crappy macaroons still cost the same as the good ones. They just make me happy. I know two songs about macarons which are nice.

I can't find anything for these but somewhere down the line, I heard they were a cookie of friendship. I don't know how valid that is but it stuck with me enough to remember, so i'll make it so.

Raccon-dogs: Ah yes, this one is because I am Tanuki. Yeah, I try to live up to the name at least a bit.

Ryoshu: I heavily restrain myself from wanting to gush about her 24/7. She has so far, my obsession with her has brought me places and made me talk to people and socalize out of my shell even if its just on the internet. I feel a kinship with her, I laatch onto her like a parasite. I want her so badly. I want Ryoshu to get me. I also want to get Ryoshu. I am so attached to her right now. I want to idk be respectful to her and just stand there while she's doing art or maybe contribute myself to her art. I like her a lot. I like her loner vibes, her being a mother, her tragic source material, her mindset with her art, I'll be happy to see her grow and develop through Limbus.

Flames: Showing off my passion has only been a recent development. I'm kind of just all talk. Vitality seems supprising. I know it's hard to know with how I seem here on tumblr or on discord but in real life, I'm very silent. People think I hate all of them and if your my family, yeah. Kind of but also you have it coming. I just don't speak much in real life or when I do, people look at me like I've said the most out of pocket thing or they just ignore me. People look down upon me often because I ask too much questions and give the stink of neurodivergence. People think I look down at them and I don't most of the time at least? I really just don't put myself out there either, but then my Ryoshu obsession happened to kick in. Now I'm socializing and having fun, but I'm still not used to it. I'm not forcing myself, im taking my time.

#tanuki speaks #ask

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felahliir · 6 years ago

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one of my fav songs is called stat in shadow i discovered it when watching a gameplay of a game about a civil war and becoming a vampire that wsnts to kill the sun and the ytuberd name was alfawolf or something

#now come i think of it im so edgy i cut myself when i talk #im so edgy #the edge #im dying #please someone dull my edge #edgy #edgy af #too edgy

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blanknamed · 3 years ago

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happy happy new years to everyone :))

just wanna say i really had an amazing year despite the rough start and end of 2021. i hope everyone stays safe and healthy!

here's some moots i'm extremely grateful for and i hope the sentiments similar under the cut

BACK TO NAVI

my discount sbi moots aka @redhoodsoot @thatplanetmarz @genesisrose74 and @sharkie-pog !

i like to see them as my very first friends and my tumblr family :)) i'm so glad to have met them and have them deal with my nonsense without any sign of (serious) judgement.

they all also write some pretty banger fics if i'll be honest and are the main reasons why i decided to come out of my shell and write. i also love the little banter i have going on for each and every one of them, albeit most of it being siblings-esque banter.

they really helped me grow in terms of confidence in my writing and confidence in myself outside of the computer! they helped me learn that caring for yourself is not at all selfish and people are kind (and not weird old men) no matter where you are or what your life is like, you just need to let yourself learn who's good enough for you :))

next up is @hufflepuff-writings

kait was probably the next person i decided to reach out to on a risk of not knowing if she'll ever respond. they're a ray of sunshine i love talking to when i manage to catch her on the same time i'm on tumblr as well. i was so honored to be tagged into her event and just being in the same prescence as them in general so i hope to experience more in the near future!

the one and only @mcytmushroom

met shroom by chance and honest to god we practically message each other on a day to day basis now, usually on discords, most times on snap. i was really happy to make them comfortable enough to let us get as close to each other as possible and i really, really hope we stay that way because, honestly, i don't know what my life is like with this snarky little shit.

and then here we have @inniterhq

edgy teenager. that's all i can say. also, i remember seeing sapnap's feet on my feed because of art's little... anons. very horrifying, but a core memory i can't shake when i go on tumblr so this is a thank you but also fuck you /j for putting that there. i hope getting hammy cheek'd was good payback for the unsolicited feet pics.

along with edgy teenger is other edgy teenager @mitzimania

just wanna point out to everyone that i turn 21 next month and not some anceint age mitzi tells y'all. like art, i saw mitzi through my search feed and thought vir writing was really good. ngl, i was lowkey shy to even say anything to mitzi for a while before hiking up my big boy pants and actually talk to vir before i realized mitzi is a little edgy shit lord like art 😐

astrology bestie @earthtooz

the minute crystals were mentioned i just knew earth and i would be tight. also said "that makes sm sense" when i said i mainly had aquarius in my placements and that kinda made me laugh. i hope she enjoys my crystal updates even though they're lowkey annoying WUXHWH if you want your charts read at some point, please go to earth if she has time. also one of her fics made me cry so

and to my favorite steamer @cherios

like most of my mutuals, i stumbled into cher's streaming by chance and thought it was funny to make stupid jokes in chat. i haven't gone into streams in a while due to some family related blockades (i'm sorry cher 😐💔💔), BUT cher has some awesome stories and an even more awesome personality so please follow and enjoy the posts she makes!

also, my favorite streamer @mikeyinnit

very patient. lovely moot. please love mikey and his writing i think they deserve sm attention. they are also very fun to watch in terms of streaming and is working very hard with making connections! love love love mikey please love them as much as me :))

next up is @strawberrymilkgeorge

finally @sunniewrites

fizzy usually gets bullied by me and shroom ngl (esp with that one sven comment WUDHEH im sorry if that's too much LMAO) BUT fizzy is amazing, funny, and overall the sweetest person i met so i love having met them and i hope to talk to her more since everyone lowkey disappeared near the middle of the school year starting, including me. i promise i'll be more active on your server, fizzy ;-; i'm just a little awkward WHSHAH

@basilly , another edgy teenager

one if the contributors on the "arielle is old" joke but i couldn't have it any other way. just like mitzi, i was scared to approach basil until i realized that all of them remind me of littile chihuahuas harassing me 😌 /j we haven't talked much lately but i hope once basil sees this they have an amazing year!

a ray of sunshine, pun intended. hurt sunnie's feelings and you're seeing the end of my bully stick (a promise, not a threat). very happy of have met them and gracing my feed constantly!

some more people i'd like to thank: my anons! don't think i haven't forgotten you guys i miss y'all 😩 playlist anon is the most active (and is also a beta reader for one of my fics so very grateful for my ading for that) BUT i love every single one of y'all for asking to be my anon and i hope to hear from you guys more :))

i'm also very grateful for my followers! we're at around 700+ right now and that's honestly amazing! i'm so happy my writing makes you guys happy enough to follow me and reblog my post you guys are the best ♥️♥️

hope you guys have a happy new year and hopefully we interact more! i'm sorry if i dropped off the face of the earth sometimes; college is a stressful part of my life but is something i find necessary to help me meet my end goals in life. love y'all!

12/31/2021 [10:01PM EST]

BACK TO NAVI

#happy new year #2022 ♥️

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g0dspeeed · 4 years ago

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Liar, Liar

For @constantzeigarnik

"V unabashedly flirting with Viktor, just laying it on real thick for the ripperdoc, and Viktor just not being prepared for it in the slightest."

“Liar, liar.”

The words came out in a tired sigh with a voice that hopefully sounded as indifferent as V intended.

The pair was laid out on the hood of Panam’s latest wheels, eyes closed, and cold drinks in hand. After helping the Aldecaldo get the ride from a locked storage yard, V had offered to relax beneath the shade of a highway overpass while they waited for the client to arrive. Panam accepted without a second thought. Between the two of them, a break from daily survival in Night City seemed in order.

Supposed to be chill.

Just two friends sippin’ on a dry afternoon.

No worries.

No stress for an hour.

That was before their present conversation, one that V was trying desperately to avoid.

“Yeah, I’m the liar here,” returned Panam. “And Night City is family friendly. At least I’m not the one in denial that my ripperdoc has the hots for me.”

V turned to shoot her friend a dark look. The nomad smirked as the warning fell flat. Despite V’s best efforts, Panam could see right through her: She was absolutely fuckin’ right.

“Think ya’ got it all wrong,” V maintained in a cool tone.

“Oh, do I?”

V cringed.

“Only met the guy one time,” Panam said. “Felt like a third wheel between the two of you eye-fuckin’ each other. Almost walked outta there see what that psychic girl was sellin’.”

A new warmth began stinging V’s cheeks and Panam frowned at her friend’s lack of response.

This was new territory. Seeing V react this way was beyond strange. One of the most capable people Panam had ever met was turning red over a man. Borderline bizarre. Truly, the entire conversation was out of the norm.

“Shit,” muttered Panam. At her best efforts at being soft, she added, “Don’t feel bad, V. The guy’s stacked like a fucking truck.”

At that, V finally let her guard down. She grinned as Panam gently shoved her shoulder.

“There she is. Just let that denial fade away-”

“Fuck off.”

“What the hell are you afraid of?” asked Panam. “Rejection?”

V looked at her energy drink, swiveling the liquid around before relenting.

“I mean, yeah, kinda.”

An eye roll and a heavy groan came from the woman beside her.

“Yeah okay,” said Panam. “Like he’d reject a woman half his age, much less a badass like you. V, I saw it for myself. The guy thinks you’re hot. Caught ‘im lookin’ at your ass. Not only that, he cares, like genuinely cares about you, which says a lot for people like us. Next time you see him, just lay it on thick and be done.”

V scrunched her eyes shut at her friend’s advice. Just talking about openly pursuing Viktor Vector made V’s stomach twist into knots. As much as she was the badass that Panam knew her to be, for V to explore an actual romantic relationship outside of ‘eye-fucking’ and the occasional one-night stand with some rando from Afterlife was not something V was familiar with. Her days were chaotic. Her lifestyle was that of constant motion. Viktor, in all his edginess, was stable, consistent, and secure. Also, she enjoyed the subtly they shared, the skirting around the topic of their flirty friendship, or whatever it was, from the safety of fleeting looks, suggestive undertones, and the occasional wink.

Then again, if V were honest with herself, it never seemed to be enough. V couldn’t deny that each time she left his clinic she wanted more. Craved more. More time, more privacy, more touch. She was her own worst enemy in all of those categories, always the first to shy away, to change the subject, to wander off.

“Worst case scenario,” breathed Panam. “He’s not interested in dating someone younger. Or just wants to be friends. That’s fine. Whatever. Should that happen, you delta outta there, lay low for a few weeks, find a new doc, and move on.”

“I can’t just delta out of his life,” groaned V. “He’s been my ripperdoc since I came to Night City. He’s also one of my closest friends-”

“Ok, then suffer. Fuck! Just do something. You’re killing me with this in between bullshit.”

Hours later, their conversation from under the overpass played on repeat inside V’s head. Panam cannot sugar coat anything. She might be physically incapable of doing that. Her words came straight from the heart and that’s what made what she had to say so sincere.

That is at least what V was telling herself as she steadily made her way down the steps to Viktor’s clinic, hands clammy, and body keyed up.

Part of her hoped that he was out or tied up with a patient. Maybe he would tell her to come by later.

She scoffed.

What a stupid thought. She was too quick to forget how often he invited her to stick around if he were operating, how she would wait at his workbench or nap on his crusty couch in the back. Sure enough, she could hear the man whistling below, the cheery sound echoing to where she hesitated. She swallowed.

With a final deep breath, V summoned up the bravery to walk through the metal gate.

Hunched over his operating chair, Viktor appeared to be wiping down between appointments, his rich voice humming along to some song in his head. V watched for a moment, taking in the serene sight before approaching the ripperdoc.

“Surprised you’re not watching a match,” she said.

The humming stopped. His head cocked at hearing her voice.

Without turning he responded, “Aren’t any on right now or you know I would be.”

The rag was tossed down and Viktor shifted to look at her.

V’s stomach flipped. His blue button-up was stained with a dark, oily substance all over the front. The top buttons were either missing or dangling from bits of string, leaving the shirt partly undone and exposing his undershirt. V’s eyebrows furrowed as she noticed a small crack that cut in the corner of his glasses just above a small nick on his cheekbone.

“You look-”

“Like shit?” he finished with a grin.

Viktor crossed his arms, drawing V’s attention to his thick biceps in a knee-jerk reaction.

“Bet so,” he continued. “Someone brought in his friend after a run in with the Tyger Claws, all blood clots and broke teeth. The gonk was scared out of his goddamn mind. Took a toll just to sedate ‘im.”

His smile had turned into a smirk, something confident and full of swagger as he told his story. He wore it well, mastering the balance found only in seasoned residents of Night City, of those who earned their street cred by way of blood, grit, and never backing down. V’s lips pursed at how his eyes looked to hers past those dark lenses.

Here would be the part where V ran away, ran from opportunity, from her feelings. He dared to look at her the way he did in that moment, so smooth, so confident. The man had to know. Viktor had to recognize how he affected her, had to notice how her eyes appreciated his physique, how her complexion warmed when he touched her. His frame had turned to face hers, all broad shoulders and aftershave.

She could step back.

Look away.

This was where she could coolly suppress her attraction and change the subject.

But not today.

“Here,” she said warmly.

V stepped close to the ripperdoc, shrinking the gap between their bodies as her fingers gently plucked the man’s glasses from his face. Viktor blinked in surprise and swallowed as she studied the damaged lens with a critical eye, her own smirk pulling at her full lips.

“Gonna need new ones, doc,” she told him.

Next, V carefully folded the glasses and slid them onto the collar of her top. Viktor’s eyes tracked her movements before quickly glancing away. Ever the gentleman.

“But don’t worry,” continued V. “The rest of you I can remedy.”

He chuckled.

“The rest of me?”

V looked up. She nearly gasped. For Viktor to wear those damn shaded glasses was a sin. The bluest blue that V had ever seen, his eyes were deep like ocean water. There was longing in them. Desire. He adored V for standing so close and showing such concern for his wellbeing. Christ, she could get lost in those eyes if he kept looking at her like that.

To answer his question, V tugged at the hem of his soiled shirt. He stiffened.

“Are you tryin’ to say that you like being covered in… whatever this is?” she mused.

“Well, no-”

In a near whisper, V begged, “Then come on, Vik. Let me play doctor for once.”

Fuck.

The way she was looking up at him with that smile, those bedroom eyes, leaning close like that with her fingers tugging on his shirt and talkin’ in that sweet, sexy voice.

Who was Viktor to deny her?

He sighed out a ‘Fine’ and nodded in agreement. Consent confirmed, V went to work. V’s fingers moved to undo the remaining buttons of his shirt, but Viktor stopped her hands. His own hands were warm, a little rough with scars and callouses on the tips and knuckles. In response to V’s questioning look, Viktor grabbed his shirt and ripped the buttons loose with a jerk. They pattered at their feet.

“Trash,” he stated as he slid his arms free from his shirt. Like the buttons, it went airborne and landed in a nearby biohazard bin.

“Hey now,” warned V with mock annoyance. “I said let me play doctor.”

“Oh am I being a bad patient?” returned Viktor.

To his surprise, V placed her palm at the center of his chest. Her fingers flexed gently against his undershirt, making Viktor’s heart race. She then gave a gentle shove.

“The worst,” she teased as Viktor let her push him back into his own operating chair.

Even if he wanted to, there was no way that Viktor could hide his smile. He was at a loss. What in the world had gotten into V? Not that he was complaining of course, but he was so used to waiting. The flirting, the winks, all those playful innuendos had been going on for such a long time. By now, Viktor simply accepted that she wouldn’t push it further, that their friendship or whatever they had, consisted of only those teasing moments. Nothing more. In the end he believed that V didn’t want anything deeper with the ripperdoc. And that was fine. A bummer, but fine. Didn’t feel bad about it. Didn’t resent her. She was younger, a wild one who made a hobby out of recklessly injuring herself doing God knows what in the city. The man wasn’t new to women or intimacy, and with a woman like V he thought it best to let her set the terms, especially considering that she was after all his patient. A patient who ate his food, slept on his couch, completely ignored his work schedule, and called him ‘pretty boy’ on the regular. A patient no less.

So imagine how fast his heart was racing as her fingers softly cupped his cheek, at how her body leaned in close as she inspected the small cut beneath his eye. Viktor tried his hardest to look off into nothingness rather than at her breasts. Tried to ignore how delicious she smelled. Was she wearing perfume-

“Breathe, Vik,” she mumbled. “Can’t have my first patient black out on me.”

She fucking winked and that goddamn smirk of hers graced her lips.

“I, uh,” he began. He laughed, a bit too nervously for his liking. “I’m sorry, just, just distracted. It doesn’t hurt that much, ya know.”

“How’d he get ya?” asked V.

To Viktor’s disappointment, V stepped away from the chair and walked towards his workbench. He didn’t miss how her hips swayed or how she bent over to grab his medical kit in a nearly exaggerated manner. The way she looked into his eyes while she straightened, all slow and sensual with those curves of hers, went immediately to his dick. He swallowed.

“Um,” he said stupidly. “He, uh, headbutted me. With his head.”

“Ouch,” she replied.

Before she returned to the flustered ripperdoc, V shimmied out of her bomber jacket and tossed it on his workbench. A tattered crop top pulled against her skin as she shook out her dark hair.

Viktor had the decency to rest his hands in his lap to shield the effect that the merc had on him.

Her tongue wet her lips as she fished through the kit for what she wanted. The glance she shot in his direction proved that there was no innocence in the act.

What the fuck was happening?

That question repeated itself over and over again in his mind as she again bent closely towards his body to apply a Q-tip to the wound, offering another delicious view of her ample breasts.

“Can I get some feedback, doc?” she asked quietly.

Viktor swallowed, his mouth dry like sand.

“Yeah, kid,” he replied lowly.

V paused her work to truly look at him, to gaze into those gorgeous eyes of his. Then, all calm and collected, V perched herself next to him at the edge of the operating chair. Viktor allowed her some room as she cupped his cheek with her other hand, her breasts resting on his torso as she leaned into him. Her thumb ghosted his skin, tempting. Teasing. Viktor ignored the urge to press against the throbbing hardness in his pants. The cut long forgotten, his attention was caught up in V’s eyes, the warmth of her skin, her smell, the sultriness of her voice.

“Do you want me?”

Her mouth was so close to his. The warmth of her breath tickled his skin like static. Viktor’s eyes shut in anticipation as V slowly drew herself to his lips.

He felt nothing, but heard the soft tear of paper. Viktor’s eyes fluttered open, brow crinkling in confusion. V had sat up and was unwrapping a small bandage, her eyes fixated on the task while he gaped at her. When it was open, she reached out and carefully applied the bandage to the cut on Viktor’s cheek.

“All done,” she stated in a chipper tone, a wide smile stretched from ear to ear.

Viktor smirked.

“Oh yeah?” he questioned. “Think you’re hot shit giving this old man a heart attack?”

“Think I gave you more than that, pretty boy.”

Her eyes flickered to his lap and back to those ocean eyes. Viktor sat up in the chair, his hands not budging as if his life depended on it.

“You never answered me,” said V, the playfulness gone from her voice and replaced with a feeling that Viktor found it hard to describe.

There was no mystery, however, to how he felt in hearing it. His heart melted at her words, at how the game was finally over and that she, beautiful V, wanted to know if he wanted her. A stupid question, really, but an important one all the same.

“Ah V,” he said with a sigh.

Panic alit her eyes like fire, but it was quickly doused as Viktor took her by the hand.

“Of course I do,” Viktor replied earnestly. He gave her hand a small squeeze. “I’d be a fuckin’ liar if I didn’t.”

For whatever reason, Viktor saw V blink as if there was something odd in what he said. The moment was short and quickly forgotten as V embraced him so hard that the pair fell back in his operating chair, his arm wrapped around waist and his lips pressed into her hair.

#viktor vector #cyberpunk 2077 #im tired af #ripperdoc

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blackgirlblues · 5 years ago

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Being a Black Girl and Finding Love

l o fucking l

impossible

the last time i posted on this blog i was 18, 3 weeks away from leaving my hometown to pursue music in London and upset because my white friends didn’t understand the basics of cultural appropriation.

here i am, back almost a whole year later.

im 19 now, im a singer songwriter living in London, with an amazing group of diverse friends who understand each other and really have eachother’s backs. the last few months have been crazy for me, and i’ve experienced and learned about different parts of myself that i never knew existed because of how suppressed i was in my home environment until i moved.

one of these things that i never really knew that well about myself, was how much i could feel for one person.

growing up, i never really had much luck in the guy department. all my friends were white, and pretty, and most of the time i was the only black girl which, automatically, in society’s eyes- made me the ugly friend. it’s a statement that i know will make whoever reads this gasp. how can i call myself the ugly friend just because i’m the only black girl in the group? the same way our white as fuck society upholds euro-centric beauty standards and gives us warped depictions of what beautiful should be. beautiful in our modern day society means skinny, white and with long hair. its 2019, so this is not as rigid as it used to be, but growing up, it didn’t take long for me to realise that i was not what was desired by any of the guys me or other girls had their eyes on.

not that boys are the be all and end all of life, but we can all agree that as young teenage girls, developing your first crush was a pretty big part of life. and the need to feel desired, and loved, and wanted will always be a big part of the human condition. and this isn’t something i’ve always had the pleasure of experiencing growing up as a young girl the way i watched my other friends have.

i’ll spare you the long emotional details of childhood trauma when it comes to accepting myself and not letting whether white boys think i’m cute or not decide my value, i’ll just cut straight to what’s been keeping me up at 2am for the past 6 months.

two characteristics.

capricorn with green eyes.

i met him randomly at some music networking event and i always think about how weird it was that we somehow met in the first place. i was supposed to have gone home 10 minutes before, picked up an angry call from my dad telling me to go straight home even though he was a whole plane ride away. and my friend - let’s call her ellie, was outraged. “it’s only ten o’ clock you can’t leave”. she sounded stressed, to say the least. so, i didn’t. and 10 minutes later, i bump into him.

fuck him.

pretty smile, pretty eyes, pretty face, pretty laugh and he liked lorde and brockhampton. i was doomed from the start quite honestly.

we exchanged instagrams, he invited me to some event he was putting on and this open mic in shoreditch that he and his friends always went to. and the rest was history that i cant ever seem to properly let go of.

i started going to this shit every week just to see him, and after a couple months started developing a little crush, which after an invitation to some house parties, 2am voice memo conversations, supposed songs written about me (maybe), lingering looks, and a lot of conversations about astrology spiralled into me having full blown feelings for his pretentious ass. and it’s worse because he was never just a stupid boy. he was everything that i had always asked the universe for. i always said, that if the universe ever decided to send me my first boyfriend, that i wanted him to be educated in social issues, intelligent, motivated. capricorn was this.

it’s just a shame that he probably didn’t feel the same way.

i’ve been holding out hope for the longest time that maybe, just maybe, this time, i could finally be the girl that a guy looks at and says “yo, i want her.” the girl that someone looks at and sees something they could love. i wanted to experience the feeling of having someone reciprocate your feelings, and being in a relationship, and learning and growing with eachother. i wanted to have my first kiss and all these other things i dreamt up in my head because that’s what my scorpio ass does best; dreams.

for once, i wanted to be that girl. the girl that’s desired. and not just desired but desired enough that someone truly starts to pursue me.

let me cut to the chase and tell you that didn’t happen here.

i let myself over-analyze, i blamed myself, wondered what i was doing wrong, how i could be “cooler”, if i was “cool enough” to even be with someone like him; that was my first mistake, putting some boy on a pedestal because i was lonely and touch-starved. scorpio ass behaviour.

i let myself get sad when he wouldn’t text, or when he wouldn’t reply how i wanted. when he wouldn’t give me back the same energy i gave to him. i let myself get angry when i would show up to events to support him and he would dissapear for hours or flirt with other girls. because what the fuck? wasn’t i the one? i’m supposed to be the one. it’s my turn to be the one that somebody wants. why did the universe keep dangling something in front of me that i clearly couldn’t have?

i thought that when i moved, everything would be different and somehow the stars would align and i would meet a boy that would finally make me “the one”. finally, i would get to experience everything my friends did while i sat on the sidelines and wished i had what they did.

nah though, that’s not how shit works for girls like me apparently.

girls like me lead ourselves on, the boys don’t even have to do any work.

girls like me bask in the smidge of attention our crush gives us because we thrive off of the hope that somehow, maybe, possibly, they could feel the exact same way we have for so long and that eventually everything will come out and it will be a happy ending.

but what happens when none of that shit goes to plan?

i uploaded some random track that i was pretty proud of, it wasnt an official release so i wasnt really expecting a wide response. and i had been training myself not to expect anything from capricorn so i wouldn’t get hurt. but i couldn’t help the feeling i got when i realized that he didn’t share my song on instagram - which - i know, petty. but it was really the principle that got to me.

i’ve been so supportive of this guy for the longest time. i would always ask about his projects, current and upcoming, hype him up over the littlest things but very rarely did he ever even ask me about what i had planned or about my day, anything he posted relating to his music, i would repost. i would message him saying congratulations, or that his song was fire or that he was just doing a really good job. i’d come to his shows and do the same. and he couldn’t even repost a track on his instagram feed? why? too worried about looking cool and professional for his all his lowkey famous edgy hipster friends?

something switched inside me, really, i just got angry. anger is the key for me a lot of the time. and it helped me realize, as much as it fucking hurt, that i wasn’t and would never get the same energy back from capricorn, no matter how hard i tried. no matter how much or how little i posted. regardless of how i analyzed the lyrics of his songs that i thought were about me, or the content of his instagram posts or his messages back. i would never get what i was putting in. and i still don’t know why.

i don’t know why i never seem to be enough for the ones i truly want. but then did i really want him or the idea of him? regardless, i get neither at the end of the day. and that shit hurts, because this time, i let my hopes get higher and higher.

and boy is it a long way down.

my minds gone through many phases when it comes to him, but i think im finally at the point where im just accepting the fact that he doesnt want me even though i want him.

so bad.

and maybe its the 3am talking, but i dont think anybody will ever want me in the way i want them.

one time when i was 15, one of my friends said she couldn’t ever imagine me in a relationship. i cant either.

maybe i’m unlovable, maybe love and relationships just aren’t supposed to be a thing for someone like me.

i don’t really know if i believe in love anymore- which i know seems a bit dramatic all because of one guy but please understand its really an accumulation of things over the past few years of my growth.

nothing the universe has given me or shown me tells me that i could ever find love in any place i look.

so, i’m just going to stop looking.

and i’m going to stop hoping, and manifesting, and wishing on 11:11′s, and on stars that i’m too far away to reach.

and i’m going to stop opening my heart to every person who glances at it and smiles.

and i’m going to stop giving the best version of myself to boys who wont even give me a quarter of what they are.

and i’m going to stop thinking like just because i’ve moved countries that things have changed for me.

and i’m going to accept that love isn’t something that was made for me.

it never was.

at least now i know for sure.

#black girl #black love #first love #first kiss #young love #crush #unrequited love #sad thoughts #poem #poems on tumblr #text post #confessions of a black girl #diary of a black girl

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ellerevelle · 5 years ago

Text

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order:

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home.

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy.

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh.

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead.

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her.

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me.

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it.

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face.

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked!

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many,

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon.

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise.

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to.

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else.

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE!

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love.

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer.

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane.

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat.

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories.

I only like my own brand of cigarettes.

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid.

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc.

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam.

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post.

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something.

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy.

No, I have become recently lazy.

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

#depression!

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart.

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE.

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but.

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened.

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life.

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out.

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner.

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run.

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh.

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin.

I need a job.

#fml

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awkward-toshinori · 6 years ago

Note

Hey Yo, can I get all 200 asks for the ask meme thing? Please and thank you!

Absolutely

200: My crush’s name is:

Horia

199: I was born in:

Romania

198: I am really:

friendly and trustworthy

197: My cellphone company is:

Digi

196: My eye color is:

Aqua Blue

195: My shoe size is:

7,5

194: My ring size is:

20?? hell if i know tbh

193: My height is:

5′7

192: I am allergic to:

nothing

191: My 1st car was:

I can’t drive yet!!

190: My 1st job was:

No jobs yikes :c

189: Last book you read:

Sword of Destiny!!

188: My bed is:

messy and full of plushies

187: My pet:

no pets but ahh my baby plant

186: My best friend:

I’ve got tons of them and I’m pretty sure they know themselves

185: My favorite shampoo is:

ah I don’t really have any preferences

184: Xbox or ps3:

*big gasp* ps3

183: Piggy banks are:

They’re superb but I would feel so bad about wrecking one

182: In my pockets:

Glasses tissues

181: On my calendar:

uh there’s nothing noted yet

180: Marriage is:

Something quiet amazing and lovely, at least from my point

179: Spongebob can:

aww man I don’t watch spongebob

178: My mom:

is shorther than me, that’s for sure

177: The last three songs I bought were?

I didn’t buy any songs but I did buy albums and the last three I bought I suppose were Aenima by tool, Portrait of An American Familly by Marilyn Manson and Slipknot by Slipknot, I think

176: Last YouTube video watched:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q9UafsiQ6k

175: How many cousins do you have?

2 or 3 I think

174: Do you have any siblings?

Yes, one

173: Are your parents divorced?

nope

172: Are you taller than your mom?

yes B)

171: Do you play an instrument?

Not yet but I’m planning on getting a bass so

170: What did you do yesterday?

I went to a cool concert

169: Love at first sight:

not rlly

168: Luck:

nope

167: Fate:

also no

166: Yourself:

no *oops doopsie I’m sorry*

165: Aliens:

yes

164: Heaven:

nah

163: Hell:

162: God:

nopety

161: Horoscopes:

not really

160: Soul mates:

hmm a bit

159: Ghosts:

158: Gay Marriage:

157: War:

not really

156: Orbs:

not really :/

155: Magic:

no but I find it interesting154: Hugs or Kisses:

hugs

153: Drunk or High:

I personally wouldn’t go for any of those but drunk ig

152: Phone or Online:

online

151: Red heads or Black haired:

black haired

150: Blondes or Brunettes:

ah, blondes

149: Hot or cold:

cold

148: Summer or winter:

winter

147: Autumn or Spring:

spring

146: Chocolate or vanilla:

vanilla

145: Night or Day:

night

144: Oranges or Apples:

oranges

143: Curly or Straight hair:

straight

142: McDonalds or Burger King:

McDonalds

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:

White Chocolate

140: Mac or PC:

139: Flip flops or high heals:

flip flops

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:

sweet and poor tbh

137: Coke or Pepsi:

coke

136: Hillary or Obama:

Obama??!!

135: Burried or cremated:

cremated

134: Singing or Dancing:

singing

133: Coach or Chanel:

coach

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:

I uh, none

131: Small town or Big city:

big city

130: Wal-Mart or Target:

I had never went to one though Wal-Mart

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler:

Adam Sandler

128: Manicure or Pedicure:

Manicure

127: East Coast or West Coast:

East Coast

126: Your Birthday or Christmas:

Christmas

125: Chocolate or Flowers:

flowers

124: Disney or Six Flags:

disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox:

Yankees

122: War:

I uh personally don’t agree with them and uh dunno

121: George Bush:

Don’t have one yet

120: Gay Marriage:

I find it lovely but too sad it’s not legal here so

119: The presidential election:

Quiet stinky as in no good choices

118: Abortion:

See this topic rips itself in two, if it’s intentionally done I personally think it’s the worst thing to do but that someone can do whatever they want, it’s their body after all, though if it happens and it’s not intended just, big sad react

117: MySpace:

I don’t have an opinion on it

116: Reality TV:

I don’t really watch it nor like it

115: Parents:

I would’ve appreciated if my parents showed me more support and love but not that I have anything against our type of relationship at the moment so

114: Back stabbers:

I totally not like them so I choose to cut contact with them

113: Ebay:

It’s fine till now

112: Facebook:

I’m not a big fan of Facebook

111: Work:

If it’s something I love, it makes me feel good but if it’s not it kind of brings a feeling of uneasy and frustration to me

110: My Neighbors:

They’re chill, the baby and the puppy are my favorites

109: Gas Prices:

kinda shitty here

108: Designer Clothes:

They can design what they want however they want, this is not really a topic of interest for me

107: College:

I can’t wait to get to it ngl

106: Sports:

Not one of my interests but they do look fun

105: My family:

I tolerate them easily but yeah I love them

104: The future:

Other than that I’m scared as hell regarding the future? nah

103: Hugged someone:

Eh!! Today!!

102: Last time you ate:

7 hours ago??

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:

Oh last week I think

100: Cried in front of someone:

U H, yesterday

99: Went to a movie theater:

last thursday

98: Took a vacation:

last Christmas

97: Swam in a pool:

last summer

96: Changed a diaper:

never tbh

95: Got my nails done:

OH, it’s been ages since I’ve done that

94: Went to a wedding:

4 years ago

93: Broke a bone:

never nyehehe B)

92: Got a peircing:

I don’t have any but planning on getting some

91: Broke the law:

never

90: Texted:

minutes ago

89: Who makes you laugh the most:

tbh, my friends

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:

my stuff but mostly my baby plant

87: The last movie I saw:

Captain MArvel

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:

finishing high school

85: The thing im not looking forward to:

Missing upcoming opportunities

84: People call me:

Satana(I have the perferct explanation)

83: The most difficult thing to do is:

talk in servers or groups tbh

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:

Oh I’d feel terrible and embarassed tbh

81: My zodiac sign is:

LEo

80: The first person i talked to today was:

my boyfriend

79: First time you had a crush:

in 5th grade

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:

My boyfriend.. because he knows when something’s up with me or if something’s not good

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking:

hmmm weeks ago I think

76: Right now I am talking to:

@angelwings-234

75: What are you going to do when you grow up:

be a programmer

74: I have/will get a job:

I hope to get one as a programmer in the future (though hell If I know what exactly yet)

73: Tomorrow:

I’ll probably hope for school to end faster just so I can nap

72: Today:

I haven’t done much tbh

71: Next Summer:

Will be so busy and I’m so not up to it

70: Next Weekend:

I’ll be going to a cool ass contest

69: I have these pets:

I have a baby plant!!!

68: The worst sound in the world:

static noise

67: The person that makes me cry the most is:

myself?? sounds a bit edgy

66: People that make you happy:

all the close friends in my life and some artists along with stuff I enjoy a lot

65: Last time I cried:

yesterday

64: My friends are:

There are too many to list them but luv them all

63: My computer is:

full of games that I’m probably not going to finish in the following 2 months

62: My School:

kinda sucks when it comes to students

61: My Car:

does not exist yet

60: I lose all respect for people who:

who are rude and big mean bags of shit?? I could detail this but dunno

59: The movie I cried at was:

Interstellar

58: Your hair color is:

blonde

57: TV shows you watch:

SOA, Gotham when my bf watches it and I don’t really like TV shows though I have some on my waiting list

56: Favorite web site:

https://www.pbinfo.ro/

55: Your dream vacation:

just, somewhere around a forest, it’d be quiet lovely ngl

54: The worst pain I was ever in was:

tooth pain

53: How do you like your steak cooked:

a bit raw tbh

52: My room is:

ass messy as me

51: My favorite celebrity is:

uhhh Corey Taylor

50: Where would you like to be:

Right now?? At my bf, if it wouldn’t bother him..

49: Do you want children:

ABsolutely

48: Ever been in love:

still am ig

47: Who’s your best friend:

I have too many but love them all so much

46: More guy friends or girl friends:

I have more guy friends apparently

45: One thing that makes you feel great is:

achieving something

44: One person that you wish you could see right now:

All of my best-friends tbh

43: Do you have a 5 year plan:

I do

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:

Not yet and I doubt I’d do it

41: Have you pre-named your children:

me and my bf came up with some names but who knows

40: Last person I got mad at:

My bf i think

39: I would like to move to:

another city in my country, a much bigger one

38: I wish I was a professional:

artist

37: Candy:

Haribo

36: Vehicle:

Renault or Dacia

35: President:

don’t really have one

34: State visited:

I haven’t been to any at all

33: Cellphone provider:

Digi

32: Athlete:

I don;t have one yikes

31: Actor:

Hmm Benicio Del Toro

30: Actress:

I like some but I don’t have a favorite one

29: Singer:

Peter Steele, his voice is simply, lovely

28: Band:

Ohhh anon Tool and Cargo atm

27: Clothing store:

I don’t have a fav one

26: Grocery store:

any??

25: TV show:

Sons Of Anarchy

24: Movie:

The Alien trilogy

23: Website:

Twitter I think

22: Animal:

Cat

21: Theme park:

I don’t really have one

20: Holiday:

Christmas

19: Sport to watch:

ski jumping

18: Sport to play:

Volleyball I think

17: Magazine:

Don’t have one

16: Book:

The Shinning

15: Day of the week:

Saturdays

14: Beach:

Don’t really like beaches

13: Concert attended:

Truda’s concert for moment but I suppose Disturbing’s going ro replace it or maybe Cannibal Corpse, who knows

12: Thing to cook:

Pudding

11: Food:

Noodles or cremeschnitte

10: Restaurant:

One called Anna

9: Radio station:

don’t have one

8: Yankee candle scent:

dreamy summer nights

7: Perfume:

men’s one are my favorite, gotta admit it

6: Flower:

ORchids

5: Color:

purple and black

4: Talk show host:

don’t have one

3: Comedian:

A romanian one, can’t remember his name

2: Dog breed:

German Shepherd, American Eskimo, Border Collie, Golden Retriever, Siberian HUsky there are too many I can’t choose only one

1: Did you answer all these truthfully?

yes I did it oh god

14 notes · View notes

earthlyem · 5 years ago

Photo

i just recently finished up my freshman year of college at art school and so now seems like as good a time as any to talk about my experience and feelings about it and maybe lend a hand of advice if you are going into college this year, especially at an art school. because i feel like there is so much important stuff to cover im going to break into up into different parts of the process starting with��

moving

moving out was a big deal for me. growing up i never had a huge urge to move far away from home, i loved where i grew up and i loved the people…but every college that ever peaked my interest was out of state. and as early as i could process the idea of a further education i would spit out colleges i’d hope to attend every night at the dinner table. and while a young child rambling about dreams of studying in paris to be a fashion designer while eating dinosaur shaped nuggets is easy for a parent to laugh at and then file into the back of their mind, a junior in high school taking college classes for drawing and animation talking about wanting to go to an art school is a little less easy to brush off. so after getting lots love and support from my family, friends, and teachers, and the financial aid of scholarships, I ended up deciding to attend an art school several states away to study visual effects and stop motion animation.

sooner than i could have ever anticipated the time came to move out. i loved this place, it shaped everything that i was, but after some unfortunate events throughout my high school experience i began to associate my beloved home with guilt and sadness. at this point, i was incredibly thankful i had chosen to move far away. with no one from my high school attending, and it being a good 15 hour drive away from my hometown, it felt like the perfect time to start over. be someone new, someone i always strived to be. the problem with that is we can’t run from our past. something i learned all to quickly at my new school. the physical move was easy, i flew down with a couple of suitcases and purchased all my dorm and school supplies the day before I moved in, which while rather stressful, ended up working out. i went in blind, so i was terrified of meeting my roommates. i would be living with three random girls, and with us all being here to pursue careers in art, i couldn’t help but be intimidated. im sure everyone who has, or will attend an art school feels the pressure. we’re used to being of the best, if not the best in our respective fields throughout our whole lives. and piling in a ton of talented people, where now you’re unsure of where you fall is petrifying. but alas there is really no need to fear. art school is about work ethic, not talent. Its about creativity and willingness to be free, experiment, express, the performance aspect is whats taught to you. if you love what you do, your professors will be able to channel that energy and turn your art into something polished and professional. seriously, i’ve seen people come from shaky sketch outlines, to fully rendered detailed pieces over the course of the year with the right ambition. but non the less i was still scared. in hindsight i had no reason to fear, my roommate was an absolute angel and really helped me through the turbulence of my first quarter, and made the craziness of roommate drama tolerable.

the first few weeks i had expected to be this big social clusterfuck and as a social person I was really excited to meet new people. unfortunately the reality was being holdup in the dorm, seeing others hanging out with people they met over the internet, and feeling entirely alone. i felt like there were very defined cliques established in the first week and i didn’t make the cut for any of them. packs of friends, all easy to see as they were almost perfectly divided by aesthetics, would go eat at the cafe together, smoke outside the dorms, go to parties, skateboard around the buildings, go to the parks and beaches….suddenly i didn’t think the social label assigned to me in high school seemed to fit so well. thats the scariest part of moving away, you are stripped of everything you once were to anyone but yourself. all the ways you were defined by the people you grew up with are gone in the eyes of every new person you meet. its intimidating, but it can be the most beautiful thing if you let it be..this is when it really hit me that when moving anywhere, even if its with a few people you do know, you’re given this huge slate to lay down exactly who you want to be, change the way the world sees you… but thats a big task…a lot bigger than i thought. and its hard, its hard to be this great big wonderful person you feel like you are in your head when you don’t accept and embrace what brought you to that point. that guilt and anger and sadness and embarrassment was burned into me. i didn’t get to just throw it out the airplane window on my way down. it took me nearly the entire first quarter to sort through those memories, those events that ate away at me and altered my path of existence. because its not that the people i went to school with weren’t accepting people, many of us felt out of place at sometime in our life, and with that comes an deep empathy and care for others. i felt like i just couldn’t seem to put myself out there enough, or cross paths with the right people. it was towards the end that i looked up and saw the world i was building around me without even noticing. i had two wonderful roommates who listened to me and danced with me and ate with me and went to class with me, who held me up through all of it. I had amazing neighbors…just seriously the coolest people in the world. They helped me understand so much about myself and always had their door open so I didn’t have to feel alone. no one was isolating me but myself. and those cliques i mentioned, were just people, people like me who felt alone and scared, or were facing their own problems with moving and by labeling them i put up a wall, and excuse not to talk to certain people because i was insecure that i wouldn’t be artsy enough, or nerdy enough, or edgy enough… and i know that sounds cringy but i know so many people who felt exactly the same. with creative minds, comes creative ways of self expression and i guess the take away im trying to get at is that people are so much more than the aesthetic they have or the way they present on their instagram, something I think all of get lost in sometimes. my point is, moving is going to be scary for most, and even if you think you’re this huge mess that’s wearing all their feelings about the process on your sleeve… i bet no one even notices, because they are so far in their own heads feeling the exact same way. take a step back, say hi to the group of kids kicking around a soccer ball outside your building, or ask the people you sit next to in studio to grab lunch at the cafeteria, it seems scary because it looks like they already have groups and their all set they don’t need another, or your afraid it will be awkward… and well it will be. but life goes on, and a couple hard awkward minutes is worth not isolating yourself, or beating yourself up in your head for not being cool enough to fit in somewhere. you aren’t giving so many wonderful people enough credit when your write them off as though they won’t give you the time of day and it took a lot of learning and practice for me to understand that. you can hear advice, and agree with it, and even tell yourself you’ll implement it… but until you make your own mistakes and have your own trails with life advice doesn’t make as much sense, but heck idk maybe it can help.. i know i needed to hear this.

so attached are some pictures of my dorm room and some stuff from my first quarter :) relax, don’t fear your move, or do either way it’ll end up just fine, and if its not fine, you’ll find the strength to move on from it

#college #artschool #advice #moving #movingout

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ijustreallylovesanderssides · 7 years ago

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Patton Will Fight You

Summary: Virgil should have believed Patton when he said he would physically fight him.

Warnings: None that I can think of

Pairings: Platonic Moxiety, Platonic LAMP

Thanks to @virgilisaneternalmood and @gamebro-advance for beta reading.

If Virgil had a dollar for every time Patton threatened to physically fight him, he’d have enough money to buy tickets to a Panic! at the Disco concert. It was just metaphorical though. Patton wouldn’t actually fight him. Or so Virgil thought.

It had been a busy day for Virgil. Thomas had auditioned for yet another play, but due to a flat tire had been late. Virgil was trying to be better at not letting those cognitive distortions Logan had talked about get to him, but he still found himself worrying over the impression they’d made arriving late. The audition had gone okay—Thomas hadn’t forgotten the song this time—but Virgil’s mind always found something to nitpick.

So, here he was, sitting on the couch in the living room of the mindscape. At one time, he would have stuck around after the audition and let Thomas know just how small his chances of getting the part were, especially since the director probably hated him. Then he would have holed up in his room and hid from everyone and everything.

But that was then. Now, he would take a moment to address his concerns with Thomas, and Logan would come and work through those concerns with the both of them. Virgil knew that all his worries would just be amplified if he went to his room, so instead he would curl up in the living room with his music for a while.

Even with all these measures, however, sometimes he still ended up spiraling. Why was he like this? He had gone over all of his concerns with Logan and Thomas, identifying all his cognitive distortions. Why couldn’t he just let them go? He was holding Thomas back.

Virgil jumped when he felt a hand on his arm. He looked up to see Patton standing over him with a plate of cookies. Virgil removed his headphones.

“Oh, uh, hey Dad. What’s up?”

Patton held out the plate of cookies. “Sorry kiddo, didn’t mean to startle you. I just thought you might like a treat, you know, since auditions are so hard on you.”

Virgil gave a small smile. He really didn’t deserve Patton.

He took a cookie. “Thanks.”

Patton grinned. “No problem, kiddo.” He settled on the couch next to Virgil. “So, how was the audition?”

Roman burst into the room. “It was epic! Sure we had a bit of a rough start, but once he got into the song, Thomas nailed his audition. I wouldn’t be surprised if we got the main role!”

“If the director doesn’t hate us,” Virgil couldn’t help muttering.

“What was that, Virgil?” Patton asked.

Virgil ducked his head. “Uh, nothing.”

“Now, none of that, kiddo,” Patton said. “Your thoughts and feelings are just as valid as Roman’s.”

Virgil sighed. “Look, I already went over all my concerns with Thomas and Logan, cognitive distortions and all that. Anything else I say at this point will just bring everybody down.”

Patton gave Virgil a warning look. “I will fight you.”

Virgil put up his hands. “Look, I appreciate that you want me to feel good about myself and all, but sometimes we just have to accept the facts.”

Roman stepped forward. “Virgil—”

Virgil cut him off. “I’m serious. It’s pathetic how I—”

It was Virgil’s turn to be cut off, as, with a cry, Patton launched himself at Virgil, sending them both tumbling off the couch, cookies flying in every direction.

Virgil grunted when he landed on the floor, Patton on top of him. “Patton, what the heck!”

Patton settled himself more firmly on top of Virgil then grabbed Virgil’s wrists, pinning him thoroughly to the ground. “I told you I would physically fight you.”

Virgil bucked and squirmed, trying to dislodge Patton, but Patton was a lot stronger than he would have thought. “All right, I get it. Now get off!”

Patton shook his head. “Sorry kiddo. I’m not letting you up until you say five nice things about yourself.”

“Oh, come on!” Virgil looked over at Roman. “Help me!”

Roman grinned. “What’s wrong, Dead Poet’s Anxiety? It’s not too difficult. Just say a few kind words and you’re free.”

Virgil growled and struggled some more, but Patton didn’t budge.

Logan walked in. “What is going on out here?”

Patton looked up. “Oh, hey there Logan! Don’t mind us. I’m just helping Virgil think a bit more positively about himself, that’s all.

Logan raised an eyebrow. “I fail to see how wrestling on the floor will help.”

“Allow me to bring you up to speed,” Roman said. “Our dear padre has decreed that Virgil must recite five positive things about himself before Patton will release him.”

“Hmm, a bit extreme.”

“Right?” Virgil said. “Logan, get him off of me!”

Logan adjusted his glasses. “I’m sorry Virgil, but although I find the method a bit extra, if it will help you to see yourself in a more positive light, then I have no objections.”

“Oh, come on!” Virgil exclaimed. “It this really necessary?”

“Yes,” the other three responded in unison.

With a sigh, Virgil lay limp. There wasn’t much point in continuing to struggle. He couldn’t break Patton’s hold, and even if he did, the Roman would probably help Patton pin him down again.

“This is stupid.”

Patton gave him an encouraging smile. “Come on, kiddo. I’m sure you can think of something!”

Virgil looked at the ceiling and thought, trying not to think about the other three staring at him, waiting for an answer, but his mind was blank and they were still looking at him and—

Okay, deep breath. He could do this. He had to if he wanted to get off the floor anytime soon.

“I lower expectations for social gatherings, so that if something good does happen, it’s pleasantly surprising.”

“You used that in the Accepting Anxiety video, but I suppose we can count it,” Logan said.

Virgil rolled his eyes. They were asking him to go against years of self-deprecation and anxiety. He wasn’t going to be very original. And Logan had given him an idea.

“I’m the one who made Thomas double and triple check things he needed to study before taking tests,” Virgil said, looking directly at Logan.

Logan lifted an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Well, now you’re just being difficult,” Roman said in exasperation.

“Now, now,” Patton said. “It’s still counts to remember and review good things about ourselves.” He cut off Virgil’s smirk with a serious look. “Just don’t do it as a joke. As long as you use them as a valid, meaningful reason, it’s okay to repeat ones we’ve used before.”

“Whatever,” Virgil mumbled.

He went on to use Roman’s and Patton’s examples from the video, but that still left him with one more.

“Come on, Pat,” he begged. “I’ve done four. Isn’t that good enough?”

Patton shook his head. “Sorry kiddo, but you’re not getting up until you give all five.”

Virgil groaned. “This is cruel and unusual punishment.”

“Yeah, because learning to love yourself is totally a bad thing,” Roman said.

“Easy for you to say,” Virgil mumbled. Roman was literally Thomas’ ego. Of course he didn’t have trouble thinking well of himself.

But then again, who better to imitate then the very embodiment of self-love? What would Roman say in this situation? Not that Roman would be in this situation because he wouldn’t need to have Patton literally tackle him to say something nice about himself but—

Focus. He could do this. Just one more and he was free. Roman was very proud of his looks, and while Virgil didn’t necessarily like how he looked he did have a reputation to uphold so…

“I rock the edgy, emo look.”

Patton grinned brightly and threw himself down on Virgil to give him a hug. Virgil definitely did not let out a surprised squeak.

“See, I knew you could do it! I’m so proud of you.”

“Patton,” Virgil wheezed from beneath him. “Can’t breathe.”

“Oh! Sorry, kiddo.”

Patton rolled off of Virgil, allowing him to finally sit up. Virgil straightened his hoodie grumpily as Patton looked around at the cookies strewn everywhere, crushed from their scuffle.

“Oops! Looks like I’m going to have to make another batch of cookies.” Patton hopped up. “Oh well, I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.” He looked down at Virgil. “Need help up, kiddo?”

“I’m fine,” Virgil said as he stood. “Go make your cookies.”

“If you say so. Just remember to be nice to you,” Patton said, ruffling Virgil’s hair.

Virgil half-heartedly batted Patton’s hand away and Patton bounced off cheerily to the kitchen.

“Well, now that’s over I have some research to do.” Logan said, before sinking down to his room.

“And I have an epic quest waiting for me,” Roman announced, then paused. “You will be fine, Virgil, won’t you?”

Virgil ducked his head in embarrassment at Roman’s concern. “Um, yeah. I’m good. Go rescue your damsel or prince or whatever.”

Roman brightened. “I shall return victorious. Until later, Sad’s so Raven!”

Virgil shook his head with a small smile. What a bunch of dorks, but they were his dorks, and he couldn’t be more grateful that they had accepted him. Maybe things weren’t so bad.

@seas-space-and-stardust @ravengrangergirl @virgilisaneternalmood @alurea-actually @hi-disappointed-im-daughter @randomslasher

#sanders sides fic #my fic #platonic moxiety #platonic lamp #sanders sides #alice writes #alice's posts

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gaarfielf · 6 years ago

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k im gonna throw in my hot take on part 5 now i think the time has come where i’ve watched enough of the damn series i can make a coherent essay on whats what on what (putting it under a read more bc this shit is gonna be long and i dont want my followers to suffer too much)

I’ll do this character by character starting with the new ones

Ami: I’m having a hard time deciphering whether she’s being underutilized or over utilized because number 1) her character isn’t interesting enough to have her keep coming around, especially when her only connection to the group is Lupin. She hasn’t had any interaction with Goemon or Jigen that i know of and she hates Fujiko for ??? reasons. That being said, I would’ve preferred if she was fleshed out more because 2) literally having her be the distant girl that is quiet and doesn’t understand social norms is..... really boring. It’s almost as boring as having a female character whose only there as a set of boobs... (coughs). She isn’t interesting because they didn’t make her interesting, yeah? It’s hard to hate a character based on the fact alone they were clearly written by a man but I mean it very literally when I say she could’ve been something great. Having her confess her love to Lupin was straight up disgusting and I really expected more from tms in that vein. Putting romance where romance doesn’t need to be is bad enough let alone when you jack knife it in between a child and an adult. And for those of you saying ‘Oh hhhh she’s like nineteen’....look into your heart. Even if she is 1) she sure as hell doesn’t look it and 2) Lupin is like 40-50. In the wise words of me, children loving adults was a myth made up by pedophiles in support of the devil. Npot to mention pitting her against Fujiko because they both like Lupin?? I ain’t even gotta explain why that’s a pathetic excuse at writing. But I will. Fujiko is a grown ass woman so why the fuck would she care and Ami is a child who shouldn’t be in love with him anyway. She has truly been nothing in the series except a tool and even at that not a likable one.

Yata: Do I even have to say that I can’t write anything about a man who hasn’t had more than 4 minutes of screen time in the last 24 episodes? He was hyped up before the series started and he’s done nothing but be Zenigata’s personality in the place of Zenigata y’know. Actually speaking and having one for himself BUT WE’LL GET TO THAT LATER. He’s done nothing but yell and cry over literally nothing? Like he fights Zeni’s fights because for some reason Zenigata got super lazy this season (again, we’ll get into that later) and he’s just a pointless character.

Albert: Gay rep for life haha just kidding he was bad at that too. I think they literally introduced him as faux-gay rep because they know the fans wanted more sensitive interactions from their already existing male cast members and they were like ‘well that’s gay so we’ll give them this guy’. And speaking on behalf of myself - ‘I don’t want these’. So Albert shows up, supposedly having a HUGE connection to Lupin’s past and then............we never see him again. And they literally tell us nothing about him except he’s gay and works in the government. Apparently when we say ‘we want gay rep’ they hear ‘very minor gay character??’ and didn’t hear us say ‘no’ back. And every time I hear anyone say 1) ‘well, his connection to Lupin is supposed to be a mystery!’ I can feel hives growing on my skin because i’m allergic to bullshit like if they weren’t gonna tell us the connection, and whatever the connection is didn’t reveal anything new about the character outside of ‘Lupin knew somebody that wasn’t Jigen when he was younger’ then why?? mention it?? why make an entire arc dedicated to not telling us something if the end result was ‘it doesn’t matter who he is’? 2) ‘well they’re obviously cousins’ except they obviously aren’t. if they obviously were, they’d say that they were cousins. like if y’all are digging up bits of the manga from 40 years ago to say ‘there was a character who had the same last name’ but are also out here saying ‘Jigen doesnt have a sister bc they said that over 40 yers ago and haven’t mentioned it since’ then I ain’t got nothing to say to y’all, you’re just dodgy and ain’t worth the stress of talking to. 3) ‘they’re maybe gay’ well the cool thing about gay rep is that we don’t give honourary mentions out for series that were too cowardly to actually come right out and say it. So in conclusion, Albert was written by cowards who couldn’t decide what to do with him.

Enzo: Boring. That’s literally all I have to say. Trying to give him depth by making Ami his daughter was predictable and not at all interesting. To be honest I completely forgot she was looking for her dad anyway because she didn’t seem to care that much about finding him either (or seem to care about anythign really). He’s a shitty villain and every time he speaks I got my finger on the right-key because I don’t care what he has to say and so far I haven’t missed anything good so yeah. Just disappointing.

I think that’s it??? For new characters?? So I’ll move onto the main cast

Jigen: I 👏 WANT 👏 JIGEN 👏 TO 👏 DO 👏 SOMETHING like good fucking God the man hasn’t done anything this whole series up until 24 where he got 5 minute scene dedicated to him killin’ cops (direct action) but like?? As a character he hasn’t progressed he has BARELY spoken and we’ve learned one new thing about him the whole series in the episode where he meets the daughter of a woman he used to work with. And that one thing that we learned was: he used to work with the mother of this girl. That’s it. Episode 24 he got a little bit of dialog with Lupin that I guess was supposed to be like character development but it was so weird because it was kind of directed at the audience?? So it’s like is he talking to me or to Jigen because if I was Jigen I would not have one goddamn clue what he was talking about. Also, he’s so depressing this season?? Right up until now we’ve seen very little personality from him aside from Angry and Complains a Lot. He smiles sometimes sure but like he doesn’t exactly have a lot to smile about this season considering he’s not really in the limelight anymore and is only brought back to foreshadow how much he hates technology and wants to retire. Personally, Jigen is one of my favourite characters and the fact he hasn’t achieved much this series is a big let-down

Goemon: I can’t even imagine how let down Goemon fans feel because again, up until Episode 23 he did nothing. He had an episode where he fell in love?? With a girl?? Disguised as a woman?? For some reason?? It was in one of the throwbacks and I’ll admit that maybe the episode made sense and I probably missed something but to me I had no clue what was going on. ANYWAY like his big scene in the spotlight is 3 episodes before the end of the series (its not like he’s a main character or anything) and he cuts Lupin. Because he thinks that he isn’t really his friend. That’s it that’s the only reason he almost murders his friend. Just kidding the other reason was that it was a half ass attempt at shock value to make sure the audience was still paying attention. They can’t seem to decide this season whether they want Goemon to be edgy or stupid but I think we’ve gotten a greta big helping of both so thanks tms /sarcasm/. They’ve really just dragged his character through the mud this season because he used to be stoic, mysterious, traditionalist but lowkey clumsy guy and then now he’s. I don’t even know how to describe it he’s just become so cutesy and edgy at the same time so we get him cutting Lupin in half right in front of UwU i eat my fish skin first ! I’m quirky ! like what am I supposed to feel about this grown man? He’s really too back-and-forth for me this season

Fujiko: I’M GONNA GET HEATED ABOUT THIS ONE SO BUCKLE UP I’ve never seen Fujiko written this poorly since TWCFM (yes i’m outting that as a bad series too so don’t @ me about that lil tidbit). She’s there as a piece of eyecandy bUT SHE IS SO POORLY DRAWN IT MAKES ME WONDER IF ANYBODY AT TMS HAS EVER SEEN A WOMAN IN THEIR LIFE TIME. Seriously her proportions are so off and outwardly repulsive looking it makes it hard not to skip anything she says in the series on account of how half-ass her character looks. Not limiting herself to being visually repulsive, she also has a half-ass personality. Suddenly Fujiko isn’t the come-and-go as she pleases, mysterious woman that gives Lupin intel on very high security operations she’s just. There. At some point in the series she said ‘a woman’s body is just a tool to get something she needs’ and I wanted to puke this is NOT Fujiko’s character at all and I’m disgusted that they’re brushing her off as a pair of walking talking boobs. Also her absolute lack of empathy is just mind numbing because they’re somehow trying to convince the audience that Lupin broke her heart due to wedding related reasons that still haunt her but? Seeing him cut almost in half does nothing for her? And then she deadpan ‘This is just how it is’ like this is just putting her in such an evil light that I hate because I love Fujiko! In every other season she’s fighty and sarcastic and witty AND NOT JUST THERE FOR EYE CANDY. And going back to the wedding thing, why is this being made into such a big deal? There’s literal episodes in other seasons called ‘Fujiko Doesn’t Look Right in a Wedding Dress’ ‘Fujiko Doesn’t Want to Be Married’ ‘A Ring Is Like a Trap’ like she 👏 don’t 👏 want 👏 to 👏 be 👏 married 👏. And the preview for the next ep shows her in a wedding dress so I’m ultimately preparing myself for the big season finale being them getting married.

hurray.

Final thought on Fujiko being, the episode where she picks up Lupin to save him from succumbing to his crossbow wound (easily the funniest thing thats happened all season) I mean. Yeah it’s kinda cool. I don’t really have any strong feelings about that like I’m not about to praise them for something like that when it was immediately followed by her and Ami slap fighting over him again.

Lupin: In my days of watching Lupin movies/specials my slogan was ‘if the ratio of screen time in the movie between characters is 10:0 in Lupin’s favour then it ain’t a good movie’ and it’s ringing true to this season where it’s all about Lupin. I understand obviously it’s a series called Lupin III like I’m not stupid but the amount of ass kissing to his character is something else like they’re putting him on this huge pedestal like he’s a do-no-wrong kind of guy to the point where he’s boring because he’s done nothing wrong. Ever. He doesn’t argue with anybody he doesn’t have any strong emotions really (outside of that episode where Zenigata loses his memory we see him outwardly angry for a minute). It just makes him such a dry character when they try to mold him into being absolutely flawless and admirable. Also the amount of faking his own death and ‘oh no is he gonna die’ moments are just not entertaining. Like I said earlier when he got shot with the crossbow that was the hardest I’ve laughed in a long long time. It played like an SNL skit (you know what one). And again we aren’t learning anything new. Whose Albert to him!? We never got to know, What’s his relationship to Fujiko!? We’re probably gonna find out they’re getting married last episode after all the touching moments they had together this season like.... like uh.... when they uh... oh right they’ve barely spoken to each other all season. And when they did they were arguing. Love is in the air huh?

Zenigata: AI’ll try to keep this brief but Yata’s taken over his character this season. He’s barely spoken, he has like, NO energy or determination. After the episode where Lupin faked his death (the first time, not the proceeding 90 times) Zenigata just stopped appearing and stopped doing anything productive. If anything his character became an excuse for an info dump. Like oh we see a war torn area whats going on? Zenigata is conveniently nearby to say ‘these people are at war!’ and then outside character will tell a 18 paragraph history on him of whose at war and their history and then Zenigata says ‘okay’ and doesn’t appear again for the next 2 episodes.

Now for the closing thoughts I guess

i don’t know why they’re looking at Lupin having plot as separate from Lupin being episodic. Like they’ve separated him from adventure so he’s just doing the same things over and over again. Not to mention like I said earlier, the fans wanted to see more sensitive interactions between the already existing characters, and if anything, they’re farther apart and just really confusing and contradictory. It’s hard to get through an episode when every week its another ‘great time for another plot arc they’re never gonna finish’. When I watched episodes of Part 1 and 2 and 4 (not so much 3 because i can’t find anywhere to watch it lol) I’m pretty attentive all the way through because the series drops tidbits of information about the characters and they make the episode enjoyable to watch. This season is so dreary and dry I can’t find anything to enjoy about it because it’s just one disappointment after another. I’m trying to to sound bitchy as I type all this out but I mean I’m speaking as a fan who is just really disappointed. I know I’ve said ‘disappointed’ a lot in this whole thing but there isn’t another word to describe it because that’s really the way that I feel about part 5. Seeing my favourite characters on screen is supposed to make me feel happy and excited to see where they’re gonna go and what they’re gonna do not make me think “I hope they don’t ruin this character for me’ in every. single. episode. This season has been underwhelming, unenjoyable, inconsistent and just really exhausting to me overall.

i gotta go eat now so peace out and if you read to the end of all this then hopefully i’m not the only one in this boat but if you don’t agree with me then i guess thats just how it is yeah?

EDIT: I forgot to mention that the callbacks were cool at first but now I just find they’re baiting me into thinking i’ll enjoy the episode because i’ll find something I liked from one of the better seasons in it. They’re just really overused at this point because these callbacks aren’t being used for anything. like ‘lupin is making his plan at the cagliostro castle!’ like. why. ‘detective melon is also angry at lupin!’ but if she isn’t like teaming up with zenigata or actually doing anything to find him why should i care.

#lupin iii #this aint fun so if you are feelin fighty dont read this

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ssquared2018 · 3 years ago

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I 100% agree with OP and id like to recontextualize the following scene though the lens of real world illness and different neurotypes:

“What?! You want to make a deal?..”

To recap: in scene Eda is trying to activate Harpy Eda in order to save her, Amity, King, and Owlbert from falling to their deaths. She has been trying all episode through sheer force and determination. She watched Dragon Ball Z in an attempt to force her body and the owl demon (her illness) to do what she wanted when she wanted without listening to what her body was trying to communicate. In this scene King suggest that, instead of trying to force the beast to listen to her, she should ask the beast to help her. In the picture we see her talking to the beast and hearing that it wants to make a deal with her in exchange for doing the job she wants it to do. Later we find out that the beast wanted Eda to feed it rodent (which is likely the Beast’s diet) instead of forcing the beast to simply eat what ever Eda decides to eat (which is likely why in the past when ever the beast took over it would be extremely hungry, since Eda was basically starving it of its favorite food). I mention the details of the deal because I think its really important to understanding the allegory.

With it being a beast it would've been easy story telling to just write it off as this evil side to her that she needs to get rid of. The beast could've cut a deal that it wants to take control or it wanted her to kill on its behalf. These are both stories that I can easily see a company like the CW doing to make a more /edgy/ show if they were the ones producing it. But instead of doing that the writers simply made it a second part of Eda. A part with its own needs to survive and thrive. And quite honestly i think its pretty easy to see the parallels.

For instance lets say you are Autistic or an ADHDer (im both) who has to do a dreaded chore, you may find yourself in this situation. You need to get this chore done so you force yourself to go straight through it no matter how hard it is for your body to function, how mentally exhausting you are getting, and more often then not you get burnt out half way through OR you finish the task but now you cant do anything for the next month because you've used up all your spoons And that's even if your body allows you to start. More often then not you're probably stuck with executive disfunction- just laying in bed and feeling bad about not being able to just do the thing (like Eda). Whereas if we take Kings approach and have an honest discussion with your body we would find out that our body just wants to make a deal. If we allow our bodies to stim while we do the chore, schedule breaks that allow for our minds to rest, or do things in a slightly less conventional way but a way that is natural for us. Often when we listen to our bodies we can usually find some sort of middle ground that allows for productivity.

For example: In my house hold I do the dishes. This can be a very overwhelming and daunting task to do. Its messy, there are usually a bunch of textures, its never ending because there's always more dishes to do, etc. So what happens quite a lot is that i just can not do them. My executive disfunction sets in and i cant fathom the energy or thought. But eventually me and my body are able to get up and do the task, but i cant just rush in and start doing the dishes. if i do that my body will get overwhelmed and shut down again. What i actually have to do is- Day 1: organize the dishes in digestible neat piles and rinse any food off that might cause me texture issues tomorrow. Day 2: i can start scrubbing the dishes and actually cleaning them, BUT i have to allow myself to act our my favorite songs and dance around the kitchen, AND if i get overwhelmed i have to allow myself to stop. Thats where Day 3 comes in: i can typically finish the dishes but i have to allow myself the same liberties as day 2.

This is what Eda is doing. She is communicating with the beast and asking what does it need. Right not she is still in the early stages of trying to figure out how to exist with it (which is something that is an on going thing because the needs will change depending on the situation and just personal development). She asked the Owl Beast to help, and the Owl Beast said ‘I will, but i need you to feed me food that will motivate me and that i can enjoy.’ There is no one to one between the Curse and any real world issue, but we can see real world issue within the way the curse is portrayed and the way it both affects Eda and the way she interacts with it. Right now Eda is in the process of figuring out a Demon Isles coping mechanism. She already has a Demon isle medication that helps her function. Actually figuring out ways to use her curse in day to day life for functionality is the next step. I hope they do it justice.

Even if the curse can be seen as an allegory for chronic illness, it's still its own thing in canon. Those two things can co-exist. People are getting so attached to the messaging that they are forgetting that 1) the curse is its own thing and 2) neither Eda nor the Owl beast wants it. Also it's a bit weird of people to go "I want Eda to continue to suffer with this because I like the message"

Anon, you cannot separate those two, even if they are technically “different things”. It doesn’t matter that it’s “just” an allegory. The parallels are as blatantly obvious as they are intentional, and they are sending a message about chronic illness with how they handle the curse because the curse is essentially portrayed as a chronic illness. Of course Eda doesn’t like having the curse. And you’re right, the owl beast doesn’t want it either! But they’re learning to live with each other, and sometimes that’s just how it is. Let me let you in on a little secret: people with chronic illnesses don’t like having those either. But they’re still something people have to live with, because a lot of chronic illnesses are incurable.

This isn’t about how “I want Eda to continue suffering”. But since the crew chose to portray the curse as a chronic illness, with ongoing treatment, with Gwen continuing to push Eda towards a new cure every year against her will and none of them working, etc., how they end up handling it in the show sends a message when it comes to actual chronic illnesses. Having an episode on how it’s bad to continue pushing for a cure when there isn’t one, over trusting the ill person to know which treatments work, sends a message. And if they end up curing it after that, this message changes to “Actually never mind what we said earlier. It’s actually fine to keep looking for cures in the most absurd of places, even if it’s against the ill person’s wishes and wears them out and gets their hopes up over and over again just to crush them, because if you just have enough patience, you will find a cure, after all! Just don’t give up hope!” And that sucks. That message fucking sucks! And it harms real people with incurable chronic illnesses. Because in a lot of cases, “if you just keep searching for a cure you will find it” is utter bullshit!

I have asthma. I also have scoliosis. Both are incurable chronic diseases that I’m gonna have to live with for the rest of my life. Is having them fucking awful? Yes, it is. Do they influence my life in a negative way, despite not being as bad as they could be, and far from as bad as some of the other chronic illnesses out there? Also yes. Would I prefer to not have them? Obviously! But there is no cure for either, and so I live with them. I don’t have any other choice.

We don’t want Eda to continue suffering because we like to see her suffer, anon. It’s about the reality of a lot of people that her story reflects. People that got their hopes up over and over and over again just to have them crushed each time. People who’ve been driven into depression because the focus was always on the illness over them as a person. That were taught to despise their illness and all of themself because they were made to believe being sick makes them broken. Telling those people “if you just hold on longer surely one of those absurd appointments will go somewhere” fucking sucks as a message. Some chronic illnesses can be cured. Some just can’t. That’s reality.

I don’t want anyone with a chronic illness to suffer. If Eda was a real person, sure, it would be awesome if one day a cure for her chronic illness was found, despite it currently being seen as incurable—even if I still wouldn’t want her to get her hopes up before that, because chances are it won’t be. But Eda isn’t a real person. Eda is a made-up character that the creators chose to write a certain way. And as such, the message her story sends, no matter how it ends, is one the creators chose to send. I don’t want Eda to be cured because not being cured is a reality for people with certain illnesses, and continuously being told to “just hold out hope for a cure because one will be found eventually” is unhelpful and tiring and just plain untrue. A huge part of Eda’s story portrays the issues of real people, the suffering they go through not just because of their permanent chronic illness but because of the way other people treat their illness. Because of the way others make them see their illness and themselves.

Gwendolyn goes from “cut this thing out if you have to” when Eda is a child to “I made you think your curse was something to be ashamed of. Wether we want it or not, it’s a part of you. And I love every part of you.”

And that’s powerful. Chronic illnesses fucking suck. I assure you, absolutely nobody likes to have them. But they are a part of some people, and not a part we should make anyone feel ashamed of. There’s so much stigma against people with incurable chronic illnesses, making it all about finding cures at all costs, no matter how it affects the ill person. No matter how draining it is for them to keep getting their hopes up in vain, or how ashamed it makes them of that specific part of themself, and themself as a whole.

And, to quote Eda from episode 8: “Neither of us wanna be here, but we are, and there’s no changing that. If we can’t accept each other, this fight here will never end.”

When you have a chronic illness, it can feel like your own body is the enemy. But that’s not a fight that can ever be won. What Eda gained from accepting the curse as a part of her is obviously an exaggeration—but coming to terms with your incurable illnesses does make life a little easier, and saves you constant disappointment.

Also, please keep in mind that The Owl House is a kids show. I know a lot of people think that we should shelter kids from certain realities, but the thing is, a lot of things in life don’t have happy endings. Some chronic illnesses that don’t have a cure are being researched and looked into by a ton of scientists all over the world—have been for years—and it’s still unlikely that a cure is gonna pop up anytime soon. These things don’t end in rainbows and sparkles. That’s just not how it works, and I think sheltering sick kids from that reality does more harm than good in the long run.

Anon, what do you think the better message is to send to a child that has an incurable chronic illness? “Keep holding out hope, even if it’s gonna be crushed over and over and over again, because there’s a slim chance that one day a cure will be found”? Or “nobody likes having a chronic illness, but even if it doesn’t go away, taking your meds can make it more manageable, and the people that matter love you just the same. This is just another part of you, and you don’t have to be ashamed of it.”?

Of course Eda and the owl beast don’t want to be there. And of course the situation sucks. None of the people with chronic illnesses want to have those. But if you’re stuck with a chronic illness for life, the only way you can go about it is acceptance. I know that’s not a pretty reality—but it’s a reality nonetheless.

#toh spoilers #toh allegory #chronic illness #autism #adhd #eda clawthorne #feyre cursebreaker

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metalkingshit · 4 years ago

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i had my appointment today! figured out a couple of things, but i'll really have to wait until monday, when i'll have the course guidance, to really start getting my schoolwork done, focusing on college and stuff. i am Very socially awkward and some of it might seem endearing, especially, for ppl who interact with me often -- like the head of stem (i love her<3<3). i am pretty shy and am constantly unsure of how things work and this really sucks lol but i really am a caring person irl, i think about the ppl i interact with, i hope they do well, i really do (and this extends to online relationships as well!! i care about the ppl i interact with c:), but i dont think my brain is all that kind and gentle. often, even when actively talking to people i reeeeally love, there is this part of my brain that seems... detached. while i am engaging with lovely people and expressing my genuine affection, this detached part feels very critical. it's really draining to acknowledge this negativity while seemingly having fun and ive tried to explain this once or twice but i think i just ended up hurting the person i was talking to. this is probably also the reason i cry when i hang out with my friends. i also tried explaining it's not their fault, but i can never come across the way i want to. i can also be a very curt person. i say no very firmly. when im not paying attention, my immediate response is negative. some of my "closest" friendships are actually kinda toxic, but i cant cut ties for school reasons, and so these friendships are mutually fairly rude.

it doesnt even come down to "is this person close to me? do i like them?". these thoughts and/or actions just happen. i think i constantly paint myself to be kind of edgy online, and even when explaining my irl relationships above, i think i came off as a shitty person, but chances are im going to be kind to everyone i meet! i try to be nice and gentle and sweet and most people do see me that way! its just that inside i am somewhat skeptical. maybe it has to do with my mental health, which does not seem to be all that great. the reason i think i seem edgier online or doing quizzes with friends is because im left only with myself and, since im not interacting directly with anyone atm, the only part thats really there is the critical one.

anyway. the livestreams will not overlap! good news! im gonna eat dinner now lol

#puttingmyurltouse

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princeyadon · 7 years ago

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im like 80% unhappy w my entire plot outline for ask-andante but ive sunk so much of myself into it that i cant stop now---

ill never reboot a blog. i wouldn't just up and delete 3 years worth of posts and myself learning because im now unhappy the more i learn abt storytelling

id have to start over again anyways and build up everything again, and tbh, i dont even have that kind of time.

im hoping the blog i do after will be better paced, better planned out, and have more substance in the content

and ill be the damn first to gripe on my blog and its content

mini spoilers, most of which will be brought up in canon sometime this week or the next anyways

As much as I wouldn’t rewrite my entire story, nor would I reboot the blog, I’d fucking loooove to retcon specific posts. I’ve gone back and actually edited a few but I still don’t appreciate the way they portrayed characters.

ask-andante’s biggest short-coming is where i decided to start the story (an unfortunate result of planning on just having a comedy blog that id abandon in a week). it’s much later in his life and all the learning and excitement and character development andante’s gone through is already over. i understand this to be a major reason for why the side characters tend to be much more interesting than him, as they’re growing and learning, and are willing to learn. andante’s personality type is kind of hard to play as a main character.

i also know celtia’s sudden turn to be honest is still really.. sudden. it kind of comes from no where when you read it. i really really want to address this w him before i close his arc, so it can at least be explained. i think i might be able to find an opening for it in an ask soon.

andante would especially do better if he had someone to play off of, someone he likes to interact with... but unfortunately w the way ive set everything up, if he did have someone like that on the blog (as in a character of mine and not someone else’s), things would go much differently and i dont feel like rewriting everything.

i could potentially find a way to insert a character like this, but id have to write them out and develop them, along w backstories, motivation, goals, future, and even just a reason to be friends w Andante. Celtia’s reasonings make more sense. He wasn’t aware of what Andante was like, and w him using Aroma Therapy, never got to see that his dangerous side was serious because he would diffuse situations before they could escalate. Save for the DJ post, and attacking him. He did mention he was going to leave if it happened again, I suppose. But that’s who Celtia is, he’s starved for attention and approval, the whole reason he disguised his looks was because he wanted to be perfect and attractive, he wanted that approval from people. He figured Andante was just some edge lord who would come around, and he was so desperate to have that.

A lot of Celtia’s older posts are too edgy and I’d love to rewrite those so he was less like Andante abt the whole thing---to put it one way. It was understandable he was having panic attacks, and was extremely defensive abt his Perfect Presentation being destroyed after he had won friendships and approval from askers. But I just really don’t like the way he comes off in them. I wish he looked more frightened, rather than angry. I also wish I hadn’t supported the fuckin ship so much, i went back and deleted a lot of the boyfriendy tags, but admittedly there was a bit of pressure from the community. Nothing direct, i cant pin this blame on any one person and i never will as it was my fault, but i noticed how many more notes the andanstilbe posts got and how many people liked the ship that i kept forcing it, hoping to receive that approval myself

Back again to a character for Andante to play off of--w his next few major arcs, it’s even harder to get a character in that balances out Andante while also positively interacting w him. Andante’s goals aren’t good goals, and he’ll go through any length of sacrificing others for them, and getting a level headed, down to earth, or positive/upbeat character not to try and stop Andante would be difficult without coming up w some strange reason why they don’t. If anyone tried to stop Andante, he’d kill them as they’d be “betraying” him... you can see why writing Andante’s interactions can be fuckin difficult, because of the way he is from recent events (which will have a portion of an arc dedicated to those events), he is much too quick to cut ties and literally kill people because he’s afraid of betrayal/heartbreak.

Overall, I worry for the content of the blog to be just another boring gore fest or whatever, with no real character development or world development tied into it. Actually, it’s literally just one arc that I’m worried for because of this, but I don’t want this arc to ruin a lot of the “story” I have set up.

I also don’t like how everyone is all talk, and there’s nothing actually going on. I get that it’s because Celtia’s arc is going on rn, and his is just getting into his past before he’s gone... which, it can’be helped too much that it’s all talk since it’s going back into the past and all... but that’s what this whole blog has been.

i guess i could pull a 2yr anni, and instead of just regular flash backs and all talk, we actually go back to those eras and have them as semi interactable. I really need to take into consideration the format i am using to tell this story, the fact it’s an ask blog and interactive and not a comic or whatever. But characters would all need to be like voices or doubts, or generic characters from the time period--depending on where these events take place.

I could always have that happen and then only specific times in the past are interactable, and every now and then it breaks away into something streamlined... As much as I’d like to not create a barrier between plot and asks anymore than I have in the past, I can’t have everything weirdly interactable you know?? If it’s a past event that’s already happened? But it’d be better than the character staring at the floor talking like it’s ask-a-therapist over here

i wish i could rant more abt my own fuckin blog but id be getting too into major spoilers over it.

at this point, im just happy if the blog serves as a fun read rather than anything serious, and is good entertainment value. it’s my first story ive even tried to go through with, and i should respect that a bit more and accept it for what it is, and when i try again i will have put these ideas to better use.

#its just one of those things #where you realize #wow ive spent almost 3 years on what ive done #lets assume it takes me abt 6 years to finally finish an entire story #how many more would i have in me??#would i be willing to continue this format or story telling at all when im like 30??#if be abt 25 if it ended in 3 years #i know if i have those worries i should accept my losses and do something abt the blogs plot #or scrap it and move on with better ideas and better ways of going about things #but i really cant dude this blog is my life lmfao #id need an entire couple days to revamp the plot to fix major issues i have #and thatd make the plot longer which is my biggest issue w doing that #i just dont really have the time to finish like 3 extra arcs because i did something wrong andneed to fix it in post #ANYWAYS #i have more grievances BUUTT #its just a fucking ask blog dude #text #long post #andante related #semi comp #rip mobile users lmao

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feralrodent · 7 years ago

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Get to know moi

ya girl was tagged in another one of these so bc I got nothin better to do why not! Thank u @mulletsanddishtowels for tagging me i love u💕💕💕

Fill this out:

What’s my name/nickname?

My name is Jess (Jessica is my ‘real’ name). My nicknames are “jess, jay, Jessie, shithead, dad, mom, daddy”

What’s my birth year?

2002

Where do I live?

New York

What’s my style?

My style tends to be a mix of femme and masc. I never define myself by what’s the norm, I go for what’s in fashion for men and women, which is why I don’t tend to really fit in with the other people in school as edgy as it sounds. But it’s true, there’s only a few kids who actually dress like a true NYC street kid. If I had to categorize it, you could say it’s, “80’s-90’s coffee lover living in New York.”

What’s my personality like?

My personality can be interpreted in many ways. I try and come off as a nice person as best as I can, however, I tend to be more of a “I will cut you” kinda person. I’ve been told I tend to be intimidating to look at or even approach, but as soon as you talk to me I can be warm and inviting. I could also be very cold and shut off and won’t hesitate to clap back in a second for what’s right.

3 Favorite fictional character(s)?

I’ve never given much though into my “favourites” actually which may sound odd. But the people I can see myself most in would be Ferris Bueller from Ferris Buellers Day Off, Elio from CMBYN and Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. I say this because they all resemble something different about myself and what I’ve experienced. It’s hard to explain, but Long story short, Luna to me represents the odd and weird that I love to explore and have in myself. Elio is the confused and unsure teenager that I am and continue to explore my sexuality. And Ferris because well, he’s just an overall cool as hell. I also really relate to Steve Harrington because believe it or not, but I was an asshole at one point in time but eventually became soft and the true Hufflepuff I am and now I’m the cool mom™

3 Favorite movie(s)?

My three favorite movies hands down would be Clueless, Heathers, Sixteen Candles. Literally any 80’s movie is so good and I’ve probably watched it more than once. Especially Ferris Bueller.

3 Favorite tv-shows

When I was growing up, I would watch a lot of Hey Arnold so I would definitely say that’s one of my tops. Stranger Things is a no brainer, and I absolutely love RuPauls Drag Race. Im so excited for the next season cause we know who all the queens are.

One thing you should know about me.

I’m a Star Trek nerd and I love to study different time periods. I know a lot about the 60’s and I find myself always falling down the rabbit hole of studying serial killers. I actually run a club in my school dedicated to studying the psychology of killers and what not.

One thing I hold dear.

When my mother passed, there was a picture of her that I keep in my wallet at all times. I even have a necklace that my dad gave to her when they first started going out with her name on it as well. I love them a lot.

One thing I really love.

I really like having good and in-depth conversations. It could be about nothing or something serious. I love music at night and staying up late as well as sleeping in. Okay this is more than one thing but I also really like the sunset. But yes, in depth conversation is really great.

One thing I really dislike.

Disappointing myself and others. When I’m told that I’m just not doing my best or that I’m a failure it really hurts. Because you dedicate all your time to doing something perfect and in the end it doesn’t even satasfiy the other person. And I just hate being told that I didn’t try because obviously I did try, like you don’t know man.

Do I have any pet-peeves?

People interrupting me while I’m speaking. OR OOOH WHEN IM RANTING AND THEY MAKING IT ABOUT THEMSELVES LIKE IT GETS ME SO HEATED.

What is my goal in life?

My goal is to become happy with myself, maybe even find someone that loves me, go to college and study law and psych and become a psychoanalyst for the FBI. That or maybe study sexology. I also wanna own a nice place where I can have as much Hibiscus tea as I want.

What is my passion?

I love writing, absolutely love it. It grounds me and makes me feel centered.

What is my biggest fear(s)?

Being forgotten, being a disappointment to everyone around me, being unloved.

What did I want to be when I was little?

When I was little, I wanted to be an actress. I remember when I was little, me and my friend at the time played prince and princess. I had a bunk bed in my room so we pretended that it was the castle and I, the prince, would go and save here with a kiss. And it’s funny because I actually did kiss her (welcome to the world of bisexuality Jess)

What do I want to be now?

Well now, I’m still deciding what I wanna do. I definitely wanna study psychology and law but I just don’t know what to do from there on out. I think I just wanna focus on the now and worry about the future later yk?

Tags: @importantdecision @selenedarkbloom

#jess speaks #wooooo boy that took a while to do

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stateofgrace-acoustic · 7 years ago

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Taylor and Me

with reputation out and me loving it so much, i keep getting really nostalgic and astonished by how long i’ve been a fan of taylor’s and al the things she has accompanied me through. so i felt like posting a little reflection thing, feel free to ignore totally :D

like a lot of people Love Story was the first song of hers I heard. i was on the bus home with one of my friends and she let me listen to it. i was so young back then, oh my god. (like 12?) i think i found it catchy, but didn’t think much about it afterwards until two people had a presentation on taylor in music class. (we were all supposed to introduce our favorite artists). they played some more songs from fearless, and i can’t recall exactly what my reaction was but i know i wanted the album. i asked the presentation people if i could borrow it, and i remember looking through the booklet thinking how beautiful it was. i think even back then when i was so young i sort of intuitively understood what an amazing songwriter taylor was and how much work and effort she puts into everything she does.

fearless was for me very much an escapism record. i listened to it to enter this realm of magic and fairytales and dancing in the rain that was so far away from my everyday life and issues. i could never really apply her love songs to my life in a direct way, but i still felt like they were relatable for me, in a more abstract way - the feeling that came with them, a sort of freedom and passion, was how i felt in my happiest moments, when i didn’t feel inhibited by fear and doubt as i often did. and her nostalgic and sad moments i could relate to my own nostalgia as well.

my mom bought me the fanbook for christmas, and that’s when i started being interested in taylor as a person as well., and how she sort of became my role model. i read about her childhood and the way she tried to achieve her dream so hard until she succeeeded. about how she wasn’t afraid to put herself out there, to open herself up completely in her songs. i admired how she put kindness above all else, how in touch she was with her fans, but also how intelligent she was and how all of her decisions in her career were her own, how she didn’t let anyone else take control over what her life or ‘image’ to the public should be. all of those things and values i took to heart and tried to live them in my own life as much as possible. looking back now i couldn’t be happier with my choice of a role model. taylor helped guide me through some years that were difficult, as they are for pretty much every teenager i guess. ‘fearless is living in spite of the things that scare you to death’ was the motto i needed so much in my life, because i was very much defined and trapped by my fears in my teenage years - of social interaction, of taking risks, of failure.. taylor’s music was something i could always turn back to to give me strength.

i remember when speak now was announced, i was excited out of my mind. i wrote the tracklist down onto my computer and kept looking at it. i loved all the released singles so much and listened to them for days on end. i painted 13s onto my hands and danced around the living room. that is one of the main things that comes to my mind when i think of happy teenage memories: this image of me dancing to a taylor swift song.

speak now was an album that completely blew me away. i loved every single track from the first listen. it is still so incredible to me how she wrote that album completely by herself at 19; how talented she is with lyrics and melodies that completely fit together. i had some fan account back then on twitter and didnt shut up about taylor ever.

around that time, my parents and i were planning this huge vacation in Calfornia that would turn out to be one of my best - perhaps THE best experience of my teenage years, and we figured out that a the time we wanted to go, the Speak Now tour was in LA. my parents agreed to get tickets because they knew how much it meant to me, and also because they were lowkey fans themselves:D you can’t imagine how happy i was. it was my first concert ever, and the fact that i got to experience it in that huuuge location with so so many other people, it was like a dream. i was pretty far away from the stage at the side, but it was perfect for me - i think the huge crowd would have overwhelmed me. i was completely enthralled by the huge setup, the stage aesthetics, the costume changes, just how big and well planned it all was. i ended up thinking all concerts were like this, but i remember my dad saying that artists usually don’t talk that much during concerts. but taylor told the stories behind her songs, universal experiences that people could relate to, inspirational messages she wanted to get out to her fans. she really cared so much about connecting with all of us. when she was in the love story cage thing flying around the arena she even waved in the direction of our seating area even though we were so far up!

my favorite song from speak now was always long live, and i had desperately wanted her to play the song for the entire night. i loved all the rest, obviously, but i was telling myself not to be disappointed if it would be cut out. but then, almost at the end, she did play it! you can imagine small!me standing there almost crying quietly singing along in a state of absolute happiness. the memory makes me tear up right now ahhh, it was such an amazing moment.

then came up the red era, and i remember staying up til super late to watch the announcement of the new album. the thing is...to make it short, red simply came too early for me. i was not ready, and not being able to fully comprehend and appreciate, the emotional maturity and sheer genius of the red album. i did not really like wanegbt at first. when red came out i did listen to it a lot and like it, but like i said, i could not fully appreciate it. hearing the general fandom discussions i feel like a lot of people had a similar experience, because red was such a leap from speak now in terms of the tone of the writing. im also gonna be honest here, i was influenced by the negative portrayal of taylor in the media that kinda reached its first peak back then, and even though i didnt buy into what they said about her because i knew better, it still influenced me like subconsciously, you know? i was also a bit sceptical at her direction towards pop music. so overall, i became a bit distanced from taylor. i felt like i needed to ‘outgrow’ her. a lot of it also had to do with the fact that it was my Edgy Phase where i thought being normal was a bad thing and i wanted to be as Special and Grownup as possible. (i think everyone has that cringeworthy phase sometime in their life but i hate remembering it:D).

but the thing is, i think i needed that kind of alienation to eventually realize that taylor had grown up just like i had, but that didn’t mean we had to grow apart. by the time 1989 was announced i had actually done a great leap in maturity and had outgrown this thing where you idealize celebrities, and was able to see taylor as a person, with flaws and insecurities like everyone else, and that this didnt diminish her incredible talent of what a kind and wonderful person she is.

i was not the biggest fan of 1989 itself (multiple reasons; i still liked it though, just didnt love it), but paradoxically, I felt closer to taylor again during the new era than during red. i kinda missed the red era now and regretted that i wasnt more involved when it was there (i still do). but i loved taylor’s new attitude, i was glad she had found happiness in independence and relying on herself. i loved the cat videos and the polaroids and the voice memos that gave insight into the creation of the songs. also, blank space was my jam and still is. since that ive been a huge fan of this super smart move of hers of taking all the things people throw at her and embodying it ironically. iconic!!

so since i was a bit more involved again (though clearly not as much as in my early swiftie days) i wanted to see the 1989 tour, and did! throughout the show i realized how much had changed, but also everything - the important things - that stayed the same (her interactions with the fans, the speeches, etc.) and i had tons of fun. it was like a giant party with strangers - which is obviously a very different feel to speak now, but loved it :D

i was worried that taylor would go into hiatus after 1989 because she always talked about how it was her best work yet, and it broke so many records and won so many awards, that i thought she might be scared she couldnt top it, and taylor always wants to top herself. i ended up being right, though the hiatus was more about all the drama and accusations because people just cant stop being awful. they cant take the idea of a smart talented woman who also shows vulnerability.

but ive been awaiting a new album all this time, because generally i thought taylor doing pop had so much potential, i just wasnt completely a fan of the general direction of 1989. however....i never would have imagined loving the album as much as i do. i wrote a separate review about it, but basically - i totally love how reputation is big and confident but also super up close, intimate and deep at the same time. it’s darker, but it’s a powerful and sensitive sort of dark at the same time, if that makes sense. i can totally vibe to the general mood of the album because i think i can relate it to how i feel about my life right now a lot. also loving how taylor has truly found a place of happiness and trust after having been let down by ...the world?...so harshly. i love the aesthetic of the magazines and the poems, just everything about this era.

so basically, this album has completely pulled me back again to stanning taylor, and i think it’s kinda beautiful how i’ve come ‘full circle’ and am now back to hyping her music again as i used to :) i connect some of my most life defining and most precious memories with taylor, and i am glad i somehow found back to her and her music as i start off my twenties.

im looking forward to getting involved in the fandom again so much, and i can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us all :’)

#that definitely wasnt everything bc i have so much to say but #...hey #taylor swift #me #this is a huge ass post im sorry #storytime

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