#nothing even matters tho i don’t have work tomorrow

[motheyes]

i’m not doing anything dumb btw. i’m literally laying in bed in the dark. i’m getting sleepy i just feel delusional

[moonstruckme]

Hi! A lil Sirius request or u could do it with one of the other boys (Remus James) but what about if his gf May be has an old injury that always flares up? (I hurt my knee years ago and even tho it's ok now every once a while if I over use it then it still hurts) and just fluff about her being upset her body won't cooperate and him just icing it and doting on her

Thank you for requesting!

Sirius Black x fem!reader ♡ 623 words

“Try to get up one more time,” your boyfriend threatens, “and I swear to god I will sit on you.” 

“I just want the remote.” 

“And I’m getting it for you.” Sirius stretches towards the coffee table, keeping the ice pack held to your knee with his other hand. He grabs the remote that had been too far for you to get on your own, passing it to you with an exasperated look. “Relax, sweetness, you won’t miss your show.” 

“Thanks,” you huff, turning the TV on. Really, you just want the distraction. Your knee is still radiating a warm ache, your skin still prickling from the humiliation of having to admit it when Sirius had noticed your limp. 

“Don’t mention it,” he replies, voice quieter than usual. His touch is gentle as he adjusts the ice pack, careful not to press down too hard. You feel shitty for being snippy with him, and resolve not to speak until you can be trusted to do it nicely, in the way he deserves. 

It doesn’t work. Sirius is watching you, gaze shrewd and contemplative, fingers tapping a distracted rhythm on your ice pack. You keep your eyes obstinately on the TV, but it’s only a matter of time before he speaks up. 

“Penny for your thoughts, pretty girl?” 

You sigh, closing your eyes ashamedly. “I’m sorry.” 

Sirius tsks. “For acting pissy when you’re pissed? Don’t worry about it.” 

“I don’t have to be mean to you just because I’m pissed,” you say, tilting your head back on the couch cushions. “I just feel like I should be able to run a couple of blocks without crippling myself. It’s got nothing to do with you.” 

Sirius’ mouth pulls sympathetically. He brings his free hand to your hurting leg, rubbing up and down the back of your calf. “We did a lot of walking before, too,” he points out. “It was a big day.” 

“That’s just it.” Your mouth tastes bitter. “I’m not eighty years old, walking around shouldn’t be a big day for me.” 

“I know, baby,” he says softly. “I’m sorry, it’s shit. But when it’s cool out like this, and you’re putting a lot of pressure on your knee, you’ve just—you need to treat yourself a bit more gently.” You make a sour face, and Sirius squeezes your calf, lips slanting upward. “I know, you’re very rugged. You’re the picture of youthfulness and good health. But try looking after yourself the way I look after you, yeah? For my peace of mind.” 

He speaks with blasé lightness, but his words melt you like butter in the sun. You sigh heavily, feigning reluctance. “But you’re so good at it,” you complain. 

“It’s hard work, yeah.” Sirius’ canines peek out as he grins. “Don’t worry, I’ll train you up. You’d really be helping me out, taking a load off. And it’d free me up to do more things like this.” 

He keeps his eyes on yours as he leans down, dark lashes fluttering prettily close to his brow. Your cheeks heat. Sirius moves the ice pack momentarily, pressing a featherlight kiss to the skin just below your knee. 

“There,” he says decisively, putting the ice pack back in place. “It’ll be better by tomorrow now, guaranteed.” 

You bite down on your lip to keep a smile at bay. “I didn’t realize how much you’d be able to accomplish if we shared the responsibilities.” 

“Yes, well, I know I make it look easy, but it is a lot,” Sirius tells you with faux solemnity. “Is there anywhere else I should see to?” He makes a show of looking you over. “Tsk, that lip looks to be hurting, too. C’mere, gorgeous, let me take care of that.”

[narryffdreaming]

lia and harry's story (four - i)

summary: harry is a bartender and lia lives right across the street. rating: +18 || warnings: mental health (anxiety) and smut word count: 12,8k

(ONE) | (TWO) | (THREE)

Finding the time to meet with Harry wasn’t easy. Something that should’ve probably been obvious, considering she worked in the mornings and afternoons, and he worked in the evenings and nights. 

Still, they both seemed determined to make it work anyway. Whether it was through spending the weekend attached to each other, through a quick visit during weekdays before he went to the bar, or even through at least a few texts during the busiest days. 

And then sometimes, when Harry worked the early shift and didn’t have to wake her up to get in, they would also meet up for random sleepovers. Harry would cross the street and arrive just in time to go to bed, then  leave the apartment right before Lia left for work. It wasn’t much, but it was something. And she loved the effort he put into it.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you tomorrow?” he’d asked softly in the quietness of the first night it had happened. To which Lia had responded with a nod as she brushed the curls on the back of his head. 

“Yes, I’m sure. I already feel bad enough you’ll have to wake up so early.”

Harry had rolled his eyes at that, but the corners of his mouth were still up as he snuggled closer to her. “Told you I don’t mind. I’ll just get home and sleep again.”

“I know… But I’ll feel better if you don’t have to drive me to work first.”

“Ok.” He’d sighed, not necessarily happy with losing a battle, but also not particularly bothered over losing that specific battle. “Fine. One step at a time. I’m making you breakfast, tho. That’s not negotiable.”

Lia more than happily accepted that, and as time went by, those random sleepovers during the week became some of her favorite moments so far. 

She liked to welcome Harry into her apartment after a long day at work. She liked to make out with him by the door, tiredly and just because. She liked to lay in bed as he showered, and she liked to watch him walk towards her wearing nothing but boxer briefs. 

She also liked how, no matter what they had been doing or how they had been laying in bed, when it came to falling asleep Harry would always place his hand on her waist and push her firmly against him. And then Lia would always roll on her side, feel his chest meeting her back, and make space for him to tangle his legs with hers. 

Harry would always kiss her shoulder before they drifted into silence. Or intertwine their hands and fingers as he hugged her around her belly. Or breathe deeply into the back of her neck and lull her gradually into sleep. 

And then one night, after he kissed her shoulder and as he pressed their hands onto her belly, Harry also murmured, “Good night, babe.” 

And Lia’s heart stopped beating.

And her lips curled into the biggest and silliest smile.

Because Harry had called her babe.

And whether Harry was conscious of it or not, that was now one of her favorite things to hear him say everyday — even when it was only through a text. 

Hey, babe. 

Bye, babe. 

Good night, babe.

Morning, babe. 

Babe.

Babe. Babe. Babe.

She. Lia. 

She was babe. 

And, oh God, how much she wished she could be his babe. 

And he could be her babe.

Only — only — his. 

And only — only — hers. 

One day, hopefully. 

One day. 

Distant… 

Subtle… 

Private… 

Tender… 

Warm-hearted… 

Brushes on her back.

Lia fluttered her eyelids open, instantly meeting the kindness of Harry’s green eyes. 

“Hi there,” he murmured.

She curved her lips into a sleepy and soft smile, then tried to make sense of the space around them. 

Her bedroom was still dark, but the lamp on her bedside table was on, just like the dim light on the hallway.

Lia had been sleeping on her stomach, both arms folded under the pillow and her legs pressed together. Next to her, Harry laid on his side, one arm bent by the elbow and tucked underneath his face while his other hand caressed her skin under the covers. 

“Breakfast’s ready,” he said. 

She stirred her body and snuggled her face on the pillow, humming as she tried to find her voice. “‘Mkay…”

Eyes shut once again, she focused on the feeling of his nails doodling down her spine, going lower and lower each second. 

Waking up for work had never been an easy task, but waking up for work during the last twenty days or so had reached a whole new level of difficulty — and she had only Harry to blame for that.

“You’re out of milk, by the way.”

“Mmm… ‘M almost out of toothbrush too.”

Harry chuckled. “I think you meant toothpaste, babe.”

Babe. Warmth spread through her cheeks, and she pressed her face even harder against her pillow. But then Harry’s fingertips reached her bum, and all the air got stuck in her throat. 

Unlike him, who had put his boxer briefs on before falling asleep, Lia laid in bed completely naked. He couldn’t see below her shoulder blades, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know what he was doing — in fact, as Lia had learned in the past few weeks, Harry always knew what he was doing. 

He grazed her bottom cheek, and Lia opened her eyes, suddenly wide awake and focused on his stare. 

Harry didn’t smile at her, nor teased her, nor played around. He drew the curve of her ass as if he was drawing the color of her eyes — focused, careful, slow… Sensual. He slithered the tips of his fingers down, then up again. Down, in slightly zig-zag motion, and up again. Down… And a little bit further, reaching the back of her thigh, and to the side. His nails aroused her skin, moving nonchalantly until he found her other cheek, and then started all over again. 

Lia held her breath and shivered. She tightened her legs to contain the feeling between them, and then relaxed her muscles, slightly parting her thighs open. 

Damn. She wanted him so bad. Still.  Again. Already. All the time.

Biting inside her cheek, she pulled her hand from under the pillow and placed her palm on the back of his neck. She stroked his skin a little, just for a moment, then dug her fingers and pulled him in. Getting him just close enough for a peck on his lips. 

Harry complied quickly, shuffling and readjusting until his chest almost touched her side, then hooking his ankle with hers and finally spreading his hand entirely open on her ass. 

It wasn’t a beautiful or graceful kiss, but it was a very real and very honest one. A kiss that happened despite the uncomfortable position, and that didn’t demand too many movements from any of them. 

Lia didn’t mind that everything felt a little bit clumsy and awkward. She didn’t mind that she had just woken up. She didn’t mind that she hadn’t even washed her face yet. She didn’t mind anything. She just wanted to enjoy him. Enjoy the moment.

Enjoy how slow everything was. How calm it was. How nice it was. How good it was. So good. 

So, so good.

Lia fiddled with the curls on the side of his head, and Harry squeezed her ass. Tightly. Unashamedly. Breathing in deeply through his nose while sucking her bottom lip. She hummed, happily, and he let her go, loosening the grip of his fingers and pecking her mouth one more time before dropping his head right next to hers. 

“Coffee is gonna get cold.” 

“Just five more minutes,” she murmured, wiggling so she could roll on her side and face him.

Harry moved as well, adapting to her new position. 

His movements were quick, automatic, but Lia sensed all of them anyway. Every detail. How he tugged the back of her thigh and hooked her leg around his hips, then how he moved his hand back up and circled her waist to pull her body closer. And also how, without a hitch, he bent his leg and rested his hairy thigh against her naked parts, and all at the same time slipped and stretched his other arm under the pillow they suddenly shared.

Lia sighed and placed her hands on his chest, where only inches kept them apart — although every time they took a breath her nipples casually touched his bare skin here and there. 

When they both settled, they were close enough that their noses almost touched, and his face was nearly a blur. 

It blew her mind, to be honest. How touchy he was. All the time — so, so touchy. But always with so much respect and so much tenderness that it constantly melted her heart. 

Like on other occasions, she didn’t know what to make out of this kind of affection. Because he wasn’t trying to have sex with her, he wasn’t teasing her, he wasn’t even smirking at her. Harry was simply there, laying with her. Eyes soft, focused on her. Muscles on his face all relaxed, as if that was exactly where he wanted to be. And arms holding her constantly, as if she was a part of him. 

And more often than not, Lia really wished she could be.

“I don’t wanna go to work,” she confessed, a soft whine almost leaving her body. 

Harry smiled and leaned in the last inch needed for their noses to brush. “Your kids would miss you.”

“I know…” Lia smiled, too. “And I wouldn’t do that to them.”

Harry chuckled, and pecked her lips. “No you wouldn’t.”

She truly wouldn’t. No matter how much she wanted to stay all day and everyday with him, she took her job too seriously, and she wouldn’t forgive herself if she ever dropped teaching children just to fool around with a guy. 

Even if that guy was Harry. 

And even if she didn’t like to think they were simply fooling around.

Although in the end that was more than likely all it would ever be — she couldn’t forget that. 

She couldn’t get her hopes too high.

Before her mind got too busy and ran way ahead of her, Lia spoke again, “Will you come home after your shift?” And then she widened her eyes. Shit. “Home, I mean, here. Y’know… My home. My house. Well, not my house, it’s an apartment actually, but—” 

Harry chuckled, and Lia groaned.

“Ugh. You know what I mean…”

“I do, babe.” He moved his fingers through her back. Up and down. Calmly. Just barely. “Don’t you wanna come to the bar tonight tho? You haven’t been there in a while…”

“Oh... Right.” Lia dropped her gaze down and nodded. “Maybe? Yeah. If I’m not too tired after work… Sure.” 

Harry was right, she hadn’t been to the bar for a while now. Not since the night she’d freaked out on him, which felt like ages ago now. 

But she also wasn’t sure she was ready for it yet. She wasn’t even sure she at least wanted to go back there anytime soon. 

“It’s ok if you don’t feel like it,” Harry said, sliding his hand to her thigh, then squeezing gently and lightly.

Lia stroked his chest, then grabbed the golden string of his tag necklace between her fingertips. 

“I’ll let you know how things go at work,” she offered, because maybe — maybe — she could get herself to change her mind until then. “Either way… Will you sleep here?”

“Hmmm… You sure? Four nights in a row now… I’m kinda getting used to waking up next to you, y’know? Won’t be easy to kick me out.”

Lia’s belly fluttered, and she pursed her lips to hold back the smile. 

She knew what he meant by that, because she really liked waking up next to him, just like she really liked falling asleep next to him. 

The difference, though, was that Lia still couldn’t get used to it. Or to him. Or to them. She still couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea of things being real, or shake off the feeling that everything was too good to be true.

She kept trying, though. 

Constantly. 

She tried to enjoy him. She tried to feel him. She tried to kiss him. She tried to laugh with him. 

She tried to listen to him. She tried to talk to him. She tried to stay close to him. 

She tried to live day by day, and she tried to make the best out of every single moment with him. 

She tried, and tried, and tried.

And she would keep trying, for as long as she could. Trying to keep him around, and trying to keep that unexpected private bubble they’d created in the last few weeks safe and alive. 

She really would. 

For as long as she could. 

There was something buzzing next to her. 

She rolled to the other side, barely aware of her surroundings. But then it buzzed again, and again, and again. 

Lia opened her eyes and sat on her bed.

Shit. 

Everything was dark, and quiet. Except for the constant buzz on her mattress. Again. And again. 

She patted underneath her pillows, following the vibrations until her hands bumped into her phone. 

Harry’s name flashed through the screen, and she picked it up while jumping out of bed. 

“Hi—” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “Hey… Sorry, one second.” 

He said something, but she was too busy hanging up and running out of her bedroom. 

She turned on the lights of the hallway, then based her movements on the dim yellow that reached the living room to make it to the front door. 

Only after she buzzed him in, Lia dropped her shoulders and sighed. 

Shit.

She rubbed her eye with the back of her finger, then checked the time on her phone. 3:17AM. 

Also, six texts and two missed calls. 

All from Harry.

(12:15 am) Harry: Heyyy, are you awake? I think I'm gonna be really late tonight.. Gotta chat with rohan about something (12:15 am) Harry: Do you still want me to go? I feel bad for keeping you up (1:08 am) Harry: Shit you’re already asleep aren’t you? Dont want to wake you :(  (3:01 am) Harry: I'm almost done here. I'll call you once I get there so you dont get mad at me 😝 but its ok if you dont pick up (3:01 am) Harry: We can meet up for lunch tomorrow or something (3:03 am) Harry: If you feel like it, of course. x

Shit. 

Shit, shit, shit.

Lia locked her phone and dropped her arms by her sides, then took a step forward and pressed her forehead against the closed door.

She almost messed things up. If Harry had ended up changing his mind and leaving, she would’ve never forgiven herse— 

No. 

C’mon. 

That was too much. Too dramatic. 

Even for herself. 

And there was no need to overreact. There really wasn’t. 

Things were fine between them. Another week had gone by and everything was still fine. She was just tired. Too tired. She had jumped out of bed but her brain hadn’t caught up yet. That’s all.

Things were fine.

Everything was— 

A knock on her door had Lia widening her eyes and jumping away from the wood. 

She exhaled through her mouth and placed her hand on her chest, right on top of her startled heartbeat. Shit. Shaking her head, she took the same hand to the key and opened the door for him. 

Harry stood in her hallway looking just as tired as she felt — frowning, with a hand pinching his lips, and his hair all over the place. 

“Heeey,” he whispered, then dropped his shoulders and curved his lips up. “There you are... Third time’s a charm.”

“Wha—” A yawn got in her way, and she held the door with one hand while covering her wide-open mouth with the other. It was a long and loud one, and when all air finally got out through her mouth, Lia shook her head and shivered. “Ugh… Sorry…” 

Harry tilted his head and watched her for a moment. And then he took a step forward and hugged her neck. 

“Sorry for waking you up,” he said, pulling her into his chest and pressing a gentle but cold kiss to her forehead. 

Lia frowned. She put her hands on his hips and took a step backwards, getting away from him and removing his hold from around her. “No offense, but you’re cold. So let’s get you warm before there’s any kissing or touching, okay?”

“O—”

“Also, don’t apologize for waking me up.”

Harry curved his mouth in that half smirk she had already gotten pretty well used to, and then he nodded once. Quickly and sharply. “Yes ma’am.”

Lia rolled her eyes and turned around, but still felt the smile growing on her lips as she marched back to her room.

“C’mon,” she offered. “Let’s go to bed now.”

Soft laughter filled the air behind her, followed by the click of the door being closed. 

“Be there in a minute,” Harry eventually said.

And Lia didn’t fight him on that, because she knew there were a series of steps Harry would follow before laying next to her. She knew he would make sure everything was properly locked first, that he would take a quick shower right after, and that he would also stop by the kitchen to get something to drink. 

He’d done all that so many times during the past weeks, that she liked to think of it as “part of their routine” now — even though she still couldn’t believe they had a routine in the first place.  

Back into her bedroom, she turned the bedside lamp on and put her phone right next to it. She jumped into bed and slid towards the side next to the window — also known by her as her side now — then tucked herself under the quilt and waited for him.

.

.

.

“You can turn off the light, babe,” Harry said, and Lia jolted in bed. She blinked, watching him drop his backpack and jacket near the dresser. “Go back to sleep, yeah?”

Lia blinked again.

And again.

“Are you taking a shower?”

“Mhm… ‘S that ok?”

She rolled her eyes, and then she closed them.

“Just make it quick and come to bed, Harry.”

Harry laughed, a little too loud considering how late (or early) it was. “You get so bossy when you’re tired.” 

“Sorry…” 

“‘M not complaining. To be honest I like it.”

Lia snorted. “Mhm… Right…”

Harry chuckled some more, then he said something else, but she didn’t really process the words. Not anymore. 

Instead, she nuzzled her cheek into her pillow and cozied up underneath the blankets. Then comfortably waited for him.

.

.

.

There was shuffling and rustling, and Harry’s scent seeped through her. 

Eyes still closed, Lia rolled and faced the window, waiting for him to settle into their usual position and kiss her shoulder goodnight. 

Things were lazy and fuzzy, but she still felt his presence as he jumped into bed and got closer to her. His body spreading warmth under the sheets and enveloping her in a cloud of comfort before he could at least even touch her. 

But then Harry placed his hand on her waist and tugged, forcing Lia to land on her back. She blinked as he shuffled and huddled on her side, and then she furrowed her brows as he rested his head on her chest, hooked one ankle with hers, and threw his arm around her waist. 

He sighed, but didn’t say a thing. And as seconds went by, and even though Lia enjoyed the way he kept clinging to her, she couldn’t help but break the silence and ask, “Is everything okay?”

Harry nodded. “I just hate nights like these.”

“Oh.” She released her arms from his grip and placed them around his neck, offering a gentle hug. “Why? What happened?”

“Too many people… Then it took too long to close.”

She hummed and closed her eyes, then nuzzled her cheek into his curls. It was nice to lay with him like that, so she surely would try to make the most out of it. “Hate too many people.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Lia smiled at the darkness. She threaded her fingers through his hair, feeling his curls between her fingers and his scalp underneath her nails. 

After a moment of silence, he sneaked his hand under her t-shirt and slid his palm all over her belly, rubbing circles before placing it back on her waist.

“Also… Our boss was there.”

Lia furrowed her brows. “Your boss?”

Harry nodded. 

That was new. Probably the first time Harry had ever mentioned his boss. No, definitely the first time Harry had ever mentioned his boss. 

Still, it shouldn’t have been so weird to hear that, right? After all, she knew neither him or Rohan or Sage owned the bar. 

But he didn’t sound particularly excited about it, to be honest. Nor even neutral. 

If anything, there was suddenly some new apprehension in the air. Tension, maybe? Uneasiness? She wasn’t sure. But she was definitely not used to facing any of that around him — not unless she was the one speaking or going through something, of course. 

“And that’s… Is that a bad thing?”

Harry shrugged, but didn’t answer, and Lia opened her eyes. 

She blinked a couple of times to adjust to the darkness, then thought carefully about what her next words should be.  There was something clearly bothering him, and she didn’t want him to think she didn’t care about it. But she also didn’t want him to feel pressured to speak. She would hate to make someone feel like that. 

“Is that… Why you had to stay so late tonight? Because of your boss?”

“Uh, no… He left before we closed, then it was just me and Rohan…”

“Oh.” Lia nodded, moving her fingers around the back of head. “Right.”

He had, actually, texted her something about talking to Rohan… Maybe that was— 

“I think,” Harry suddenly said, a little slower than he normally would. “I think he’s closing the bar.”

“W—what?”

He traced circles on her skin with his thumb, then moved his foot up and down, brushing her ankle with his toes.

When he didn’t add any other piece of information, Lia asked, “Why?!”

Harry shrugged. “I don’t know… Feels like a long story… And it’s almost four in the morning.”

At that, Lia frowned. 

“Okay…”

Once again, there was silence. And seconds went by before she spoke again. 

“I don’t mind, tho, y’know? I mean, you can tell me… We can talk… If you want to, of course.”

“It’s fine… Don’t worry about it.”

Lia closed her eyes and sighed. 

Getting Harry to open up and share things with her wasn’t easy. He was great at asking questions, at listening, and at paying attention to details about her life. He always made her feel seen, and like he truly cared, and like he would one hundred percent be there for her if she ever needed him to. 

On the other hand, Harry barely spoke unless she asked, and even then sometimes he would stop himself mid-sentences and change the subject towards her, as if he realized he was talking more than he should. 

It was one of the things she still couldn’t figure out about them — maybe he didn’t trust her enough, maybe he didn’t feel comfortable sharing things with her, maybe he didn’t want to share things with her.

Or maybe he was hiding something from her. 

Maybe she was so blinded by her attraction to him that she was ignoring a red flag or something.

Maybe she had welcomed him in too easily. 

Too fast.

Maybe she had— 

Lia opened her eyes and cleared her throat. 

She seriously had to stop doing that to herself. 

“Did your conversation with Rohan have anything to do with your boss?” 

“Yeah… Kinda.”

“Are you guys worried?” she tried again. “About… Y’know, about your jobs?”

To be fair, Lia wasn’t sure where she was trying to get at, but at least she was trying to keep the conversation going, right?

At least she was trying to understand him better. 

And at least she wasn’t giving her mind a chance to start acting up on her again. 

“I think? I mean, fuck I don’t know.” He chuckled, kind of tiredly, kind of humorlessly. “I know it’s not the fanciest job to have, but we like the bar. And we like working there. I mean, we’ve been practically running the place by ourselves for the last few months, so…”

“So your boss isn’t around that much?”

“Nah… He doesn’t really care about the place. His brothers did. They used to be there all the time. Great guys.”

“What happened to them?”

“They passed away last year.”

“Both of them?”

“Yeah… It was a car accident.”

“Damn,” Lia whispered. 

“Yeah… I mean, I get the guy wants to sell the place, but he’s been treating us like idiots, y’know? He made this big speech about sales and shit, so we spent the last months coming up with ideas to make more money and convince him to keep the place… And now that things got better than never, we realized we’ve been just fucking wasting time and effort because apparently no matter what we do he’s still going to fucking sell it anyway.”

Lia’s chest tightened. Harry’s frustration and anger was nothing but obvious. Not only because of the tone of his voice or his choice of words, but also by the way his body felt tense and heavy on top of her. 

Lia didn’t know what to say, but she wanted Harry to know that she was listening, and that she was interested in what he was telling her. She wanted him to keep talking, telling her things. So she squeezed her arm around him, brushing his shoulder in the same way she kept brushing his scalp with her other hand, and murmured, “I’m sorry, H.”

It took him a moment to answer. A moment in which he breathed slowly, then eventually squeezed her waist, “It’s fine. It’s not a big deal.”

She pressed her lips together, holding her thoughts back. Of course it was a big deal.

“And there’s nothing you can do to change his mind?”

“No, I don’t think so. I mean, the guy doesn’t need the money, he just wants to get rid of the place, so… That’s it. We can’t force him not to.”

Lia nodded. 

Once again, she was taken aback by how little she knew about him. How little she knew about the people in his life, and how little she knew about the things that happened outside her apartment. 

“The live music… Did you and Rohan come up with that?”

“Yes… Rohan brought a couple of friends one night to see what would happen, and it seemed to work really well so… We just made it a thing.”

“I think it was a really good idea.”

“Yeah?” He lifted his head and turned it to the side, pressing his chin on her chest and looking at her. “You think so?”

She tucked her head down to meet his gaze, then brushed his curls back from his forehead. 

“Mhmm… Really enjoyed it.”

He curved his mouth into a soft smile — so soft that she almost didn’t notice it.

“We also started karaoke once a week,” he mumbled, barely moving his mouth as he remained settled on her boob. “People seem to be having a lot of fun.”

“Really?!” Lia widened her eyes. “When was that?”

Harry chuckled, lifting his chin and laying back on his cheek. Just like before. “Wouldn’t be a surprise if you had shown up at the bar. It’s been months, y’know? You should see Rohan… Poor guy… Wondering where you are…”

Lia rolled her eyes. There he was again… Bringing Rohan up. It didn’t matter how many times she pointed out how wrong he was, Harry still managed to tease her about it during the most unexpected times. 

Which was why she had now decided to simply ignore him. 

“What else has changed? Y’know, since the last time I was there.”

“Hmmm… Just the karaoke thing, I think…”

“Oh…” She nodded. “Well, it’s already a lot, tho, isn’t it? I mean, live music and karaoke…”

“It is, yeah. But we’ve been just trying out ideas… I don’t know. We were kind of planning to organize things better and start a trivia night, too.”

“Ohh, that’s so cool!” Lia smiled to the ceiling. “Jillie and Molly love that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah!”

“You should bring them around again sometime, then. I mean, I don’t think trivia night s’gonna happen now that he’s selling it, but… You should still bring them to the bar sometime. You should go to the bar sometime.”

Lia felt the smile fading from her face, but the fear of Harry finding out how much the idea scared her was stronger than the fear of the idea itself, so she pulled herself together and kept going.

“Yeah… I should. What if the next owner wants to keep it a bar, tho? Maybe your boss will only sell it, not close the place.”

“Maybe, yeah… Who knows… We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” 

Lia hummed, and raked her fingers through his curls. 

“Did you… I don’t know, ever wondered what you would do… If you didn’t work at the bar?”

There was a pause, in which Lia could tell — by the hums and sighs — that Harry was debating on his answer. 

Eventually, he shrugged. “Not really… I mean I know it’s just a bar, but it was the first job I got when I got here, so…”

Lia nodded. Once again, she thought the next words carefully, seeing the opportunity to ask another question she’d been wanting to ask for a while. “And when was that? I mean, how long have you been in the US?”

“Hmm… Around three, four years?”

“Wow.”

“I know.” Harry sighed. “Exciting life, huh?”

She furrowed her brows. “I… I think it’s exciting, yes. To leave everything behind and start something new? It’s scary, but exciting, I think.”

Harry hummed, and lifted his head. He placed his chin back on her chest, using her breast as a cushion while staring into her eyes. He flickered his eyes around her face for a moment, a long moment, and then nodded, “Yeah… You’re right. I think it is, yeah.”

Lia narrowed her eyes at him and laughed, almost questioning his actions.

Harry shook his head. 

“So,” he said, then went back to his previous position, resting his cheek on her chest and facing the window, “tomorrow’s Saturday.”

Lia blinked. “Uh, yeah, it is.”

“Do you have any plans?”

“Not really… Have some laundry to do and things to get ready for work, but other than that…”

She shrugged. 

Harry hummed, then slid his hand up through her side. Once he reached her ribcage, he dragged his touch to her front, right under the curve of her breasts, and then drifted back down.

“Other than that…” he teased, spreading his hand open on her belly. “You’re all mine.”

He tickled around her bellybutton, and Lia yelped. 

“Stop!” She squirmed and laughed, kicking his leg and shoving his arms away. “Harry!... Stop… C’mon!... I’m tired!”

Harry chuckled, then stopped moving so she could lay on her back once again.  

“Sorry,” he said, pressing a kiss to her cheek, and another to her jaw. He went back to hugging her, then, and to using her chest as a cushion for his chin. “Just like to make you laugh.”

Lia sighed. She bit her lip and tucked her own chin down, then nestled her hands back on his curls. 

Harry looked at her with a hint of joy in the green of his eyes, and Lia took the opportunity to study other details of his face. Paying attention to everything, meanwhile never stopping the random and tender movements of her fingers around his hair. 

Harry closed his eyes, and when all sounds faded away, silence lightly engulfed them. 

There was a pause, then. 

A couple of calm and gentle breaths between them. 

And then, with a soft and careful whisper, Harry asked, “Are you?”

“Am I what?”

Another pause. 

Until Harry blinked his eyes open and met her distracted stare.

“All mine.”

Her heart stopped, her hands froze, and her lungs stilled. 

What?

“All… I mean…” She knitted her eyebrows together. Then blinked. Then cleared her throat. And then chuckled. Nervously, the sound quivering almost just as much as her stomach. 

It wasn’t so much because of his question — although that was more than enough to provoke a meltdown on its own. But there was something about the way Harry stared at her… Something she couldn’t name. Nor understand.

He looked serious. His lips were pressed together, his jaw was clenched, and he kept flickering his eyes between hers. 

He had done the same thing hundreds of times before, as if he had the ability to read the answers to his questions written all over her face. But he had never looked at her like that. 

He had never looked so… in pain? —or nervous, maybe? Unsure? Afraid?

What was it?

What was he thinking? 

What was he feeling? 

She couldn’t know, and she couldn’t guess. But whatever it was, it brought heaviness deep into her stomach. Which was why she didn’t dare to raise her voice when she settled with one single question, made out of one single word, “What?”

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it again. He lifted his chin and shook his head, looking down and away from her. 

“‘M sorry.” He took one hand to his face and rubbed up and down, several times, then raked his hair back.

“Harry…”

Without looking at her, he sighed and shook his head again. Almost as if shaking the question off. As if shaking her off. And yet, he scooched up and nuzzled his face into her neck, half-lying on top of her body. He breathed in deeply, then exhaled loudly and into her skin. It made her shiver, and she bit her lip while staring at nowhere and waiting for his answer.

What the hell was going on?! 

“Harry,” she tried again. As gently, as softly, and as bravely as she could. “I— I just… You took me by surprise with that... I didn’t… I mean… I didn’t know that you… Well, do you… Y’know… Do you want me… To be? All yours?”

Another pause — a short but cruel one. 

And then he nodded. 

“I’m not good at sharing, to be honest,” he murmured into her skin. “Hate sharing. Don’t wanna share you.”

Her heart hammered inside her chest, and her belly knotted heavily and painfully. It seemed silly, but that was so important to her. And she knew it wasn’t exactly a label for what they had, but it was something, wasn’t it? 

She secured her arms tightly around his neck and nuzzled her face onto the side of his head. Then, with her lips right by his ear, she offered another murmur back to him, “You’re not sharing me.”

She couldn’t see him, but she felt his smile into the curve of her neck, and it made her smile, too. 

He didn’t say a word, but filled her with affection — tightening his arm around her waist and kissing her skin. Gentle, small pecks all around the side of her throat. Over and over again.

It tickled, and Lia giggled, hugging him while he remained hidden from her view. 

“Good,” he murmured, pressing one last kiss. “‘M sorry if that was weird.”

“It’s okay… It wasn’t.” 

Except it was. 

Of course it was. 

His behavior that night felt somehow inconsistent with most of his actions and words up until then. And yet how could she blame him for that? It probably had been one of the most vulnerable conversations they’d shared when it came to his life. Which — yes — it was still frustrating considering how little she knew anyway, but at least it was something, wasn’t it? It was a step. It was more than nothing. And it was more than enough for her. 

“Can we sleep like this tonight?” Harry asked.

Lia nodded, nuzzling her cheek into his curls and squeezing his neck into her arms. “Of course.”

To be fair, right then and there, there was nothing she wanted more than to be able to hold him like that forever. 

So that’s what she did. If not forever, at least for the rest of that night.

Lia still hadn’t told Jillie what a great idea placing the bed sideways and against the wall had been. After all, it had been her idea — back when Lia was still only exploring her options and both Jillie and Molly tagged along to check a couple of apartments with her.

“Ohhh, can you imagine placing your bed right here?” she’d said, dreaming out loud as she stood in front of the window and opened her arms to the view. Even after over a year, Lia could still hear the sweet and enthusiastic voice echoing inside the empty bedroom. “You could wake up every morning staring right into this view! I bet it would cheer you up everyday!”

Molly had stepped up right then and reminded Jillie she was overstepping — again — which led to the fiftieth apology of the day and a new promise to stay quiet. Which she did, until they reached the kitchen and she pointed out a crack in the wall. 

As annoyed as Lia recalled being with her friend on that specific day, she couldn’t deny the suggestion ended up being one of the reasons why, when the time came, she’d picked that specific apartment over any other. 

Sure, the view wasn’t extraordinary, but it led towards the back of the building and allowed her to watch the sky and (a little of) the neighborhood over a two-floor old construction, which was way more of what she could say about the view from her living room. 

She almost never closed the sheer curtains now, not even to sleep. She liked to open her eyes facing the sky — it soothed her during her moodier and glummer days, and it also helped her to get out of bed most mornings, especially when she wasn’t forced by work. 

“Lia?” 

Lia blinked, and turned her head to the other side. 

Leaning by the door frame, Harry crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes, then tilted his head as he examined her face. 

“What?” She chuckled, looking down from his face to the rest of his body. 

Like every morning, he wore nothing but boxer briefs, and all the tattoos and muscles begged to consume all of her attention. She knew better than to get caught staring at him though, so she quickly darted her gaze back to his.

Harry smirked, anyway.

“I know that look,” he said, uncrossing his arms and walking towards her. Once he got close enough to get into bed, he sat next to her and patted her ankles. “What’s on your mind?”

Lia loosened the grip of her arms around her bent knees and shrugged, then spread her legs open for him.

“Nothing,” she said. 

Harry hummed and scooched over, sitting between her knees and leaning his back on her chest. He shuffled down until his head was laying on her breasts, and Lia crossed her arms around his neck, pressing her forearms on his collarbones and resting the back of her head on the headboard. 

“Just thinking about the apartment… By the way, does it bother you to wake up like this?”

He placed one elbow on each one of her thighs and his hands on top of her knees. 

“You mean naked? And next to you?”

She snorted. Of course that’s what would pop on his mind.

“No, I mean—”

“Under you?”

“No—”

“On top of you?” 

“Harry!” 

She smacked his shoulder, chuckling along with him. “Jesus. I mean with no curtains and… Y’know… Light on your face.” 

“Ohhh…” Harry nodded. “Yeah I don’t think so. I mean, most days is still dark when we wake up, so…” He shrugged. “You wake up awfully early, y’know?” 

“And you go to bed awfully late, y’know?”

Harry laughed, spreading his fingers open around her knees. “Touche babe. Why did you ask, tho?”

“‘M just thinking… I’m used to it but I know some people don’t like it.” 

“Hmm… Well, I’ll let you know if it ever bothers me.”

“Okay,” Lia said, breathing out a laugh. 

She kept her legs slightly bent for him to hold her, then hunched a little to put her chin on top of his head. Harry distracted himself by doodling random patterns on her bare thighs and knees, and Lia kept focusing on any movements outside the window. 

It really was a beautiful day, sunny and cloudless. Almost like summer. 

Although Lia had a feeling outside was way colder than it looked to be. 

“So…” Harry eventually said, breaking the silence. “I think I’ll head back to mine after lunch.”

“Oh…” Lia blinked, processing the information. “Okay. Yeah.”

She looked at his body spread between her legs, felt his weight against her chest, and followed the path his fingertips kept drawing on her thighs. 

And then, she pulled her brows together and asked, “Why tho?”

“Well… Mostly because I’m out of clean clothes.”

Oh. 

Lia nodded.

“Right.”

She didn’t have a comeback for that. 

She wouldn’t have minded doing his laundry while also doing hers, nor offering the basement of her building for him to wash and dry whatever clothes he had around, but there was a very thin line between “spending a lot of time together” and “being clingy” that she didn’t want to cross. So, instead of pointing any of that out, she took the safer route, forcing out an annoyed sigh and teasing him to ease the mood. 

“Fine, then. Go back to your place. Whatever.”

Soft laughter bursted out of his chest, and its sound resonated with her body, breaking her upset façade into a smile as well. 

“Don’t be sad,” he said, tilting to peek at her. “I can come back later if you want, just gotta say the word.”

“Yeah, I don’t know.” She shrugged, playing nonchalant even though she knew her expression gave everything away. “I’ll think about it.”

Harry’s gaze softened while looking at her, and Lia curved her closed mouth into a smile. She pressed a quick kiss to his forehead, and Harry hummed. When she pulled away, he went back to facing forward and laying on her chest, and she made herself comfortable by resting her chin on the top of his head. 

Closing her eyes for a moment, Lia exhaled deeply. All of her constant trying seemed to have been worth it for once, because over a month had passed and Harry was still around. And they were still good. And she was happy. And their private bubble was still safe. And still alive. 

“Guess I’m gonna make the most of it and shave at home, too,” Harry said, breaking the silence. “Also I gotta—”

“You what?!”

“Hm?” 

“Shaving? You’re shaving?”

“Yes…?” 

“Why?!”

Harry dropped his weight to his side and twisted his body, looking at her with raised brows and a smirk on his face. “What do you mean why?”

She opened her mouth, and closed it again. She couldn’t find the words to say, because she didn’t know what she was trying to say. All she knew was that Harry looked great just the way he was. His stubble wasn’t a beard, but it had definitely grown way longer than any other time she’d seen him, and she was loving it. She truly was. 

So… 

Y’know… 

Did he really have to shave?! 

“Lia?”

“You’re not shaving,” she blurted out. 

And Harry’s smirk got even bigger. 

“I’m not?”

“I mean… It’s just… Well… Y’know!” 

She withdrew her arms from around his neck and pushed his shoulders, trying to get away from that position they were in. 

Except, of course, Harry didn’t let her. 

“Babe,” Harry breathed out with a chuckle, then tightened his grip on her legs to keep her still. “C’mon, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head. “I’m being stupid.”

“Hey,” he called, lifting his arm and placing his hand on the back of her neck. “Look at me.”

Lia sighed, but didn’t fight him at all, doing as he told her to.

He was still leaning on her chest, legs stretched and spread open on the mattress whilst he tilted his upper body and twisted his neck to look at her. 

“I haven’t shaved in a while.”

“I know.”

“Don’t you think it got too long?”

“I—”

“Be honest,” he added. 

She flickered her gaze between his deep and intense green eyes, then dropped the tension off from her shoulders. 

“No, I don’t.”

“You think I shouldn’t shave, then?” 

“I think you should do whatever you—”

“Yeah, yeah.” He rolled his eyes, but there was a hint of playfulness on his face. “Always so kind and polite. But what would you like me to do? Huh? Want me to keep it?” 

.

.

“Yes.” 

“Ok.” He nodded once. “Then I’ll keep it.” 

“You will?” she almost murmured. “Just like that?”

“Mhmm… Just like that.” He moved his fingers, stroking her neck up and down. “Haven’t you noticed yet, that all you gotta do is say what you want, and I’ll do it?” 

Lia swallowed. She felt so small and vulnerable sitting behind him, and yet so powerful and in charge at the same time. Watching down at him as he laid between her legs and stared at her over his shoulder… 

Damn.

Biting her lip, she placed her hand on his cheek and brushed her thumb up and down, feeling his facial hair underneath her skin as she lost herself inside the green of his eyes. 

“What else do you want, Lee?” he whispered, drowning into her gaze. “Hm? Tell me…”

She knew she would never be able to find the words to answer him, but that didn’t mean there was nothing else she could do about it. So she held his stare and slid her hand to the back of his head, then discreetly hunched down.

No vocal instructions were needed for Harry to take the lead next. He simply dug his fingers on her skin and stretched his neck, then parted his mouth only enough to stick his tongue out and run its tip over her lips. 

Lia’s eyes fluttered shut for half a second, her belly twisting and tingling at his subtle and yet bold action. But then Harry rolled his lips in and licked them, and Lia made sure to keep watching as he parted them again and stuck his tongue out.

The silent invitation didn’t go unnoticed, and although Lia wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do or how, she didn’t think twice before closing her eyes and leaning to capture his tongue and suck it into her mouth. Harry hummed, and Lia moved her hand back to his face, holding him in place and feeling his stubble under her palm as she instinctively bobbed her head up and down. 

Another hum left Harry’s throat, and Lia felt the way he slid his fingers through her scalp, then closed them into a fist and grasped her hair tightly. He pulled and pulled, until a soft and painful hiss escaped through her lips and Lia didn’t have any other option but to move along and let go of him. 

When she opened her eyes, Harry’s burning gaze was already waiting for her. 

“Can I go down on you?” 

His raspy voice echoed from inside her ears to between her legs, and it took her a moment to process his words. She swallowed, cradling his cheek and running her thumb over his lips as her heart grew twice its size. She couldn’t stop looking at him, she just couldn’t. The softness in his face had been replaced by nothing but determination, and she could feel a very distinct new wave of heat and need radiating from every single one of his pores. 

“Can I?” Harry tugged her hair again, and Lia tilted her head back. “Please?” 

“Y—yeah.” 

It felt silly to answer when he’d already done it so many times before, or when they’d gotten so close and touchy around each other that consent had started to feel rather obvious. And yet, for some reason it made sense that he was asking, because whatever was happening between them right then and there, definitely didn’t feel the same as anything else that had happened other times before. 

Which didn’t mean it wasn’t good.

Nor exactly what she wanted.

Or even more.

Starting with the way Harry turned and sat on his heels, then grabbed each one of her ankles with one hand and yanked, dragging her body until she landed on her back. 

She gasped and blinked at him, watching as he got on all fours and caged her head on the mattress between his hands. He leaned down, then, crashing their mouths together for a sloppy and hurried kiss before he crawled backwards and dragged himself all the way down to her hips. 

He placed his face right where she was warm and tingling for him, then rubbed his nose over the blue lace, breathing her in so deeply that one could even hear the air filling his lungs. 

Shit. 

She squirmed underneath him, and Harry peeked at her. 

“Still ok?” he asked, running his fingers along the edge of her panties. “Can I keep going?”

She lifted her bum and nodded at the ceiling, unable to hide how desperate she suddenly was. 

“Y—yes. Just… Yes.” 

Harry sat back and took the item off, then Lia held herself on her elbows to watch as he made himself comfortable on his stomach and between her legs. 

Seemingly lost in his own world, Harry used both hands to spread her open and took a moment to stare at the most intimate part of her body. Under the sunlight, whilst the rest of the world outside lived their most normal lives. 

Lia breathed in and out, and her chest moved heavily up and down as she watched him watch her and. And then Harry peeked at her, and even though Lia knew what was about to happen, she wasn’t prepared for how intense it would be.

Oh boy, she definitely — definitely — wasn’t prepared for how intense it would be. 

She wasn’t prepared to be held captive in his stare as he dipped down and pressed one open-mouthed, long kiss to her. Or to watch him nuzzle even deeper and flutter his eyes shut as he hummed into her. Or to witness the moment something would snap inside him and he would turn into a man on a mission — one who wouldn’t stop until he achieved his most cherished and yearned goal. 

A man who would get on his knees and hook his arms under her thighs, then yank her body closer and shove his face between her legs while pressing her stomach down. 

Shit. 

Lia held her breath and bit her lip, catching the way Harry lost any possible inhibitions and tasted her fully. Inch by inch. Flattening his tongue out and licking her once. Then twice. Then thrice. And then he closed his lips around that spot that he knew would drive her insane and opened his eyes right before he sucked it into his mouth, and Lia jolted. 

She closed her eyes and fell back to the mattress, leaving all traces of coherent thoughts behind. 

From then on, all there was and all that mattered was the flicking, swiping and lapping of his tongue. The sucking of his lips. The pressing and rubbing of his nose. The buzzing of his low and thirsty hums. The hunger, the ambition. The commitment. 

Harry was wet, and sloppy, and sinful, and frenzy. He was unashamed, unreserved, and unapologetic. He was loud. And he was tireless.

He certainly didn’t care about hurrying up. And he made sure to let her know how much he enjoyed every second of it. How much he enjoyed working her up. How much he enjoyed making her shiver. And how much he enjoyed watching her squirm because of him. 

And Lia was usually so contained — so conscious to keep her sounds as tactful and discreet as possible. But she just couldn’t help herself this time, too gone to have the strength to filter herself. Which was why she barely registered when she arched her back and searched for his hair, or how she grunted when she couldn’t reach him and had to settle for the sheets by her sides.  

“Oh—Oh my God.” 

She closed her hands into fits and held herself tightly as she rolled her hips up and down. Moaning and cursing. Desperate to swallow him in. 

Harry crossed his arms on her belly and kept her close to his mouth, forcing her to stay still as he fed himself like he needed it to survive. 

There was something very self-absorbed about the way he moved, about the way he licked, and sucked. As if he weren’t doing it for her, but for himself. And yet, nothing about it felt thoughtless or inconsiderate. On the contrary, Lia had never felt more appreciated and valued by someone. Being pushed to an abyss of pleasure where no inch of herself was unwanted or dismissed. 

Breathless, and out of her mind, Lia moved her legs around his neck. And when Harry grunted with approval and sank his hands on the crease where her hips met her thighs, she hooked her ankles on his back and squeezed him closer. 

Harry dug his nose and breathed her in. Deeply. And then, without actually moving away from her, he spoke again.

“Look at me,” he said. 

Lia lifted her head and tucked her chin to do as he wished, then met a sight once in her life she could have only dreamed about — Harry laying on her bed and between her legs, grasping at her thighs like they belonged around his neck. Face buried inside her.

And if that weren’t enough to make her want to explode, Harry locked eyes with her. He took care of her and drenched himself with her wetness without a single care in the world. His mouth. His chin. His cheeks. His stubble. Everything. He drowned in her pleasure.

Her arms trembled as she held herself on her elbows, and heat pooled deep inside her — it pooled and it burned deep inside her. 

She couldn’t hold it back anymore. She couldn’t hold herself back anymore. But she couldn’t look away. She just couldn’t. The sound of his mouth was dirty, but not dirtier than the sight of it. He was growling. Eager. Greedy. 

Determined to drive her to the edge and make her forget even her own name.

And she did. 

Lia forgot all about who she was, where she was, when it was. All she knew was him. Harry. 

Harry, Harry, Harry. 

All she saw. All she heard. All she felt. 

Him. 

Harry. 

Harry, Harry, Harry. 

Lia froze as electricity took over her entire body. Her vision faded to black, and a last soft, intense moan of his name bursted out of her mouth and into the gorgeous bright Saturday morning. Muscles clenching, body crumbling down, legs moving on her own. 

Earth stopped spinning. 

Time slowed down. 

Her lungs begged for air. 

And Lia kept her eyes shut. Because there was absolutely nothing else she could do but lay there and catch her breath. 

Light. 

Warm. 

Overjoyed. 

Harry crawled up her flushed and sweaty body, holding his weight on top of her with one elbow on each side of her head (like he always did) and kissing her mouth. 

She responded tiredly, but longing for him. She tasted herself on his tongue, and she hugged him closer, pushing him until he wasn’t strong enough to hold himself up anymore. 

Feeling herself crushed by him, Lia almost cried out of happiness and adoration between the kiss. Her hands cradled his face, fingers feeling herself all over him. On his stubble. The one she didn’t want him to shave. 

And then she smiled, content and thoughtless. 

Damn.

Nobody had ever treated her like that before. 

Nobody had ever wanted her like that before. Nobody had ever praised her like that before. Nobody had ever accepted her like that before. 

Nobody had ever made her feel like that before.

Nobody but Harry.

Harry, Harry, Harry.

Nobody but him. 

“Babe, calm down for a minute.”

“I can’t, Harry.” She pulled up the zipper of her jeans, already running out of her bedroom. “Shit. I’m gonna be so late.”

Shit, shit, shit.

She entered the bathroom, leaving the door open while washing her face. 

“Shit,” she repeated, growing frustrated as seconds went by. She grabbed her purple toothbrush, for once not feeling the butterflies at the sight of the blue one, right next to it. 

“You know,” Harry murmured, “I could… If you want… I mean… If you feel comfortable… I could drive you, you know?”

Lia turned to look at him, but froze every other movement — toothbrush inside her mouth and water running on the sink. Harry stood on the hallway, by the door, scratching the back of his neck and looking at the floor. 

She couldn’t answer without spitting the toothpaste first, but for some reason she didn’t want to do it. Mostly because she didn’t want to answer him. 

And then Harry glanced at her and shrugged, and Lia shook her head. 

She turned around, and spit the toothpaste into the sink. 

“Lia…”

“I don’t want to bother you.” 

Even though she couldn’t see him, the sigh that left his mouth was loud and clear to send a message. 

And enough to make her close her eyes with regret. 

Or maybe fear. 

Or maybe guilt. 

Or maybe all the above.

Her purple toothbrush slipped from her fingers, ricocheting on the sink. 

She picked it up quickly, rinsing it one more time before putting it back inside the cup. Next to his blue one.

Shit.

“You wouldn’t bother me, Lee.”

The nickname falling so sweetly from his lips didn’t help her at all, but she couldn’t have a crisis right before going to work. She couldn’t fail at work. Not again. So she couldn’t worry about these things right now. 

“‘S fine,” she said, then hunched down to wash her face. “You don’t have to.” 

“I know. I’m saying I want to.”

She washed her hands, then turned off the tap and stretched her arm, grabbing the towel from the hook next to the mirror and taking it to her face. She hid behind the soft fabric to wipe her skin, but also to not see the look on his face. 

“It’s just… It’s out of your way.”

“I know,” he said, clearly closer. Her heart skipped a beat, and when she put her hands and the towel down from her face, she found him leaning against the door frame. “And I don’t mind.”

“But—”

“Look, if you don’t want me to drive you, it’s fine. But please just say it.” 

She shook her head and looked down, then pulled the first drawer open and rummaged for a hair tie. 

“It’s not that.”

“Well, what is it, then?” He stepped away from the door, seeming to grow three inches taller all of the sudden. “Huh?! What’s so terrible about me driving you to work?! What’s so terrible about us… Fuck.”  

Turning around, he took both hands to rub his face and sighed. 

“Damn it, Lia.” 

Lia stood frozen in place, watching the stupid hair tie she held between her fingers. 

There was no way to know how long they stood there in silence — it could’ve been a minute, it could’ve been an hour, it could’ve been a month. But it was Harry who moved first, who turned back to look at her whilst she was too afraid to look at him and break apart. 

“I don’t… I don’t wanna yell,” Harry said, his voice a lot calmer than before. “‘M sorry. But I need you to talk to me, Lia, please.”

She couldn’t talk to him though. 

Not right now.

Why couldn’t he just let her get to work and demand answers later?

Fight with her later?

Give up on her later?

“I said it already,” she said, then tightened the hair tie between her fingers and closed the drawer. “I just don’t want to bother you. It’s out of your way.”

Harry didn’t move or talk for a couple moments, and Lia focused on her reflection in the mirror whilst pulling her hair up and into a ponytail. 

She was still working on it when he finally spoke again.

“We’ve been doing this for two months now, y’know? Jesus, I’ve been practically living here with you… So I just… I mean I really thought you would trust me by now.” 

“I do trust you.”

“Do you, though? Because if you did, you would believe me when I say that if I’m offering it, it’s ‘cause I want to, and that it won’t bother me. You won’t bother me.”

Lia looked down, not knowing what to say. 

She really wanted to believe him, and deep down she really did. Damn. Of course she did. She knew he cared. 

She knew, she knew, she knew. 

Then why couldn’t she just say yes?

Maybe… Because it had nothing to do with him? Maybe, because it had everything to do with the many paranoid thoughts that had been internally and secretly growing during the last month?

Lia swallowed. 

Right.

She wasn’t ready to face the truth, though. Not yet.

Not right now.

She looked at the mirror, searching for the reflection of his eyes. When she found him, her stomach swirled, and her chest tightened. The look on his face was… Heartbreaking — to say the least. 

“Y—Yeah, you’re right.” She nodded. “And I… I appreciate it, Harry, really. I mean, I really do. But I’ll just… I’m already late and really worked up here, so… I’d like to just get an Uber. If you don’t mind.”

For a while, Harry didn’t move, simply staring at her. And Lia could see the wheels turning. The emotions flashing through. The confusion. The disappointment. The frustration. Until, at last, understanding seemed to take over him, and he dropped his shoulders and nodded.

“‘Course I don’t mind,” he said, stepping away from the door frame and looking down at his own hand. “Made you some latte to go, but I couldn’t find yours so I used mine.” 

He lifted his arm, and just then Lia caught his silver coffee cup wrapped between his fingers. 

“I’ll leave this on the counter and just… I’ll get out of your way and let you get ready.”

He turned around and walked forward, but then he paused. 

With a visible and audible sigh, he turned back and shortened the distance between them, barely looking at her as he pressed his lips to her temple. “Have a good day at work, yeah?”

“Mhm. You too,” she croaked out.

The corner of his lips twitched, a poor attempt to curl into a smile, and then he took a step back and walked down the hallway, leaving Lia alone. 

She shut her eyes, waiting for the sound of the front door closing before letting the first sob get out of her throat. 

She didn’t know what time it was, but she knew it was still too early on a Tuesday morning to be feeling that way — as if in one single minute she’d ruined everything she’d fought so hard to protect. 

Sitting down on the bathroom floor, Lia hugged her knees and let the cold water run over her body. 

Her heart was beating fast. 

Too fast. 

And her chest moved up and down rapidly, not giving her the time to properly breathe.

Funny how one single moment can tear everything down, right?

Or even better: frustrating how one stupid, ridiculous moment can tear everything down, right?

For the first time in over two months, Harry had left the apartment without discussing what would happen next. Or when they would see each other again.

He hadn’t spent every night at her place, of course he hadn’t. But they’d always, at least, talked about it. 

And on those nights he hadn’t stayed over, he had sometimes visited for at least a couple of minutes before work, or maybe during his break. 

And when they hadn’t seen each other at all, they had at least texted at some point during the day.

There had always been something — always an “at least” something. 

But that morning Harry had walked off without mentioning anything, and Lia also hadn’t been brave enough to ask. So they had just… Parted their ways without knowing if they would see each other again. 

Or not.

And then when the evening arrived and she sat on her couch watching the minutes tick by, she realized Harry’s shift had already started and he hadn’t visited her. 

And then his break was over, and he also hadn’t shown up. 

And no matter how many times she had checked her phone, his last text had never changed — a picture of a mojito someone had ordered at the bar the night before, along with ‘thought of youuuu’ and ‘see you in a few xxxx’. 

Shit.

Her chest shrank. 

Was he mad at her? 

Was he done with her? 

Would he forgive her if she apologized? 

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit. 

No matter how cold the water felt, she only got more and more anxious. 

And she didn’t want to get anxious. 

She didn’t want to lose herself to another attack. 

She didn’t want to be so dramatic. 

She didn’t want to be so childish.

She didn’t want to always handle things that way.

But how could she stop it?

There wasn’t any switch for her to turn her thoughts and feelings on and off. There wasn’t any button that would reset her personality. 

If she had a choice, or a way to, Lia would be different. 

A completely different person.

Really, she would — hadn’t she said that already? A million times?

She wanted to be different, and she tried to be different — she’d been trying so hard to be a different person. 

But sometimes it was just too damn exhausting. 

Mentally exhausting. 

Physically exhausting.

Trying to act differently than she would normally act, forcing herself to say something different than she would normally say. Having to challenge herself to stop holding back, to let things go, to not think too much, to not worry too much…

Nothing ever felt organic. Nothing ever felt natural. Nothing ever felt like her.

Except when she was with Harry.

Well, not only with him, there was also Sheyla. And Jillie, and Molly…

But it was him — Harry — that she wanted right there and then.

And yet she’d let Harry walk away.

All because she was afraid of stepping into the real world with him.

Oh God… 

Exhausting. 

It was just too exhausting.

All she had wanted all day was to sleep the tiredness away. 

Unfortunately, whilst her tiny safe bubble was crumbling down, out in the real world it was nothing but an ordinary Tuesday. Just another day of the week. And she couldn’t just hide from her responsibilities to “sleep the tiredness away”.

She knew she couldn’t. 

She had done it once, and it hadn’t been a pretty time in her life.

So much so that she didn’t allow herself to go back to those memories. Because she didn’t want to go back to that time in her life. 

She wanted to move forward. 

She needed to move forward. 

She needed to leave all that behind.

How, though?

People had told her she just needed to stop thinking too much.

People had told her she just needed to stop doubting herself. 

People had told her she just needed to try.

People had told her she just needed to live more. 

People had told her she “just needed to” a lot of things.

And she probably really needed everything. 

She really, and definitely, needed to at least stop thinking so much.

Because that was all she’d been doing since she’d arrived from work: thinking.

And she had been thinking a lot.

Too much. 

To the point where she was too worked up, and overreacting. 

So she needed her mind to just… Shut up. 

That was it, really: she just needed to stop thinking.

So just… Stop thinking, Lia.

Stop thinking.

Now.

Stop.

Just. 

Stop. 

Thinking.

… 

Was that even how it worked? 

Did people really “just stop” thinking about something? 

How?

Because she couldn’t stop thinking about how much she didn’t want Harry to leave her. 

She was enjoying spending time with him, sharing moments with him. The routine they had created together in such a short amount of time — secretly meeting before and after his shifts at the bar, spending the weekends together in bed… 

Everything was so good. 

He made her feel so good. About everything, but mostly about herself. 

She didn’t want to lose him. 

She didn’t want him to leave her.

Lia didn’t want Harry to leave her.

And yet, why wouldn’t he? 

Harry was right, she should trust him by now. Of course she should. They had been hanging out together nonstop for months already. Falling asleep together, waking up together. Cooking together, watching movies together, laughing together. Together, together, together.

Shit.

What was wrong with her?!

No wonder he was getting bored, no wonder he wanted to leave the house, no wonder he wanted to be around other people. 

Sure, Harry was incredibly into her when they were inside her apartment, but they hadn’t really interacted outside of her safe bubble yet. And she knew it was because of her — because she hadn’t wanted to.

And she still didn’t. 

She still didn’t want to, because… Well… 

What if she did something wrong and he didn’t want her anymore? 

What if she ruined everything? 

Wouldn’t it be better if they kept meeting at her place? Where she already knew what to do and how to act? Where she already felt comfortable around him? Where she had finally learned how to be more like herself? Where he had already seen enough of her?

Was it really so bad that she wanted them to keep things inside of the apartment so they would last?

Was it really so bad that she wanted to protect whatever they had?

None of it had ever even been about trusting him, to be honest — it had always been about trusting her, herself.

She didn’t want to step outside with him, because she didn’t want him to realize how awkward and quiet she would be around others.

She didn’t want him to realize he’d made a mistake about wanting to be seen with her. 

She didn’t want him to realize there were other people better than her.

She didn’t want him to realize she wasn’t as good, or as pretty, or as put together as other women around her.

There were many, many things Lia didn’t want to happen if they took whatever they had outside the apartment, but at the end of the day, Lia just didn’t want to step outside with him because she didn’t want him to change his mind about her. She just didn’t want to lose him. That was all. 

Was that really that hard to understand?

Was she really so out of her mind for thinking like that? 

Ha! 

Of course she wasn’t out of her mind… 

If anything, she was too into her mind. 

Deep and buried into it.  

Honestly, no wonder she had felt things were too good to be true. Because they had been too good to be true. Everything between them had happened really fast, and had been really intense, so of course it would end up like that: ending. 

Of course it wouldn’t have lasted forever. 

Things always ended. At least for her. 

And she couldn’t blame him. 

She didn’t blame him.

Because Lia was always the one ruining things.

She was used to it. 

Every time she had something good between her fingers, she just let it slip away. 

Every. Damn. Time.

Things were too good to be true, they sure were — that’s what Lia kept telling herself over and over again — but she also almost never helped herself. 

So of course the bubble would end up bursting right in front of her, because she was always the one bursting all of her bubbles. She was never able to make any of her bubbles live forever. Nor at least make them last long enough. 

It all came back to her, anyway. 

…

..

.

Would he come back to her, too, if she asked him too?

Would it be okay to text him?

Did she even have anything to lose?

Worst case scenario, he’d laugh at her and she would never leave the apartment again.

Or she could just move back to her parents. 

Or she could hide and run from him until they sold the bar and — No.

See?! That was just too much. 

She didn’t want Harry to lose his job, so she shouldn’t even be considering that an option. 

No matter how many times he’d mentioned he didn’t think working at the bar was “fancy”, or whatever along those lines, she knew — she had noticed — how important that place was for him. How much he liked it. And even though she hadn’t told him that she didn’t agree with the way he talked about his job, she didn’t think he should be at any other place. 

Shit. 

Why had she never told him she didn’t agree with the way he talked about his job?

Was it even something she should’ve told him?

Did he think she— 

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Wrapped in a towel, Lia walked into her bedroom and grabbed her phone. 

It maybe took her too long to snap out of it, but she did it. 

She finally did it. 

To get stuck inside of her mind and go over every conversation they had ever had was not going to end well. To analyze every “should have” and “shouldn’t have” wasn’t going to help her move forward. 

For her to stop thinking about it, she needed to do something about it. 

She needed an action.

And maybe that action would send her into a new spiral, but then she would deal with it when the time came. 

Damn. 

That… Was progress, wasn’t it? She was sure it was.

It had to be. 

Dr. Reisman would be proud. She would be happy. 

She needed to remember telling her about it.

Actually… Maybe it was even time for her to finally talk to her therapist about everything that had been going on with Harry, instead of actively leaving him out of their sessions. Right?

Right. 

Yeah. Yes! She would do that, but when the time came.

Because right there and there, she had something else to think about. 

No. Not think about — she had something else to do. 

Staring at the screen, Lia checked the time: 10:18 PM. Harry was probably still at the bar, and maybe he was busy with work and he wouldn’t even see her text, but that didn’t mean she shouldn’t — or couldn’t — try. Right?

She shook her head, and sighed. Her hands were shaking when she tried to type a message, and her heart was pulsing in every corner and every curve of her body. 

So she walked around the bedroom, nibbling at her bottom lip while finding the words she wanted to tell him. 

After however long that was, Lia finally sent him something — something she was sure it could’ve been better, something she was sure she would feel embarrassed about later, but something that was, at least, something. 

(10:57 pm) Hii :) Sorry for bothering you at work, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this morning and I would really like to apologize to you about it. Can we talk?  (10:57 pm) I totally understand if you don’t want to, of course. I just think I should tell you I’m sorry about what happened.  (10:58 pm) So, yeah… I don’t know how to end this message so I’ll stop typing now haha let me know if we can meet up sometime. Or not. OK. Sorry. Bye now lol.

FOUR - II

[sscieloz]

Nightmares

Huh Yunjin x reader

Synopsis: your friend had told you to talk to someone whenever you had a nightmare, to keep it from coming true. But what happens when it’s the middle of the night and there’s only one specific person to listen to your thoughts?

Warnings: …nightmare description i guess? Nothing too deep though (at least I don’t think so). slight hint of smut maybe…?

Word count: 1.9k

Notes: this is not the first time I publish something, but it is the first time I’ve written something K-pop related, as I’m kind of new into this world and there are still many things I don’t quite know about (I’m working on it tho!). So please be kind and lmk if there are any mistakes or things you’d like me to alter or improve on. (also i didn’t check for any mistakes bc if i reread it I’ll just delete all of it so…)

Water.

It was the only thing you truly felt, lingering all over your skin as the molecules invaded your body without permission. They occupied every single inch of yourself, assaulting your nostrils until it got to your lungs and all you could feel was a sickening burn, slowing crippling through your organs, depriving you of any kind of relief. You tried breathing, but all you got was more water instead. Desperate, your hands found a cold, harsh wall that kept you from the outside world, and no matter how hard you tried pushing and beating onto it, it simply didn’t falter. It was only then you realized: you were trapped inside a frozen lake, without air or any shot of escaping. The glacial waters welcomed your soul as you closed your eyes, finally accepting the lost battle. With one last thought, you sighed, allowing the rest of the waters to finally rest in your lungs, so you could be in peace.

Suddenly, you woke up. The upper-half of your body rose from your bed as you took deep breaths, appreciating the simple act of inhaling and exhaling. It was a gift, you’ve come to the conclusion: sometimes we forget how lucky we are to be able to do the simplest things, such as breathing. Such as living.

Running your hands through your hair and your face, you noticed how drenched in sweat your body was —your pajamas were wet from it. However, you were too busy trying to calm yourself down to do anything about it. Your mind didn’t seem to know it was all a nightmare. Sure, it felt so real… but it wasn’t, so logically there was no reason for you to be so shaken, trembling hands, rapid heart-beating and all. A few minutes went by, and you were still in the same position, not getting any better, so you’ve decided to get some fresh water to cool your thoughts.

You sighed in defeat when you noticed you weren’t going back to sleep so soon, picking up your phone and pushing your covers aside. Careful as to not wake up your roommate, Kazuha, you’ve made your way through the dorm, jumping at the slightest noise.

Now, sitting on the kitchen isle with a glass of water in your hands, you suddenly remembered something your friend, Yeji, had told you long ago. With that in mind, you glanced at the fridge’s clock before sending her a message. 3:28 AM.

Yeji unnie <3

heyy

you up?

Ive j had a rlly awful dream

You sighed when the messages weren’t even delivered, even though it was to be expected; the girls were busy promoting their new song and probably had a busy schedule tomorrow. It was only natural for Yeji to be sleeping, as you should be too. You and the girls have performed on the first shows of the tour, and your schedule is also as busy as ever. However, here you were, sitting at the kitchen counter, hands still trembling and mind replaying the previous nightmare in your head.

“Hey. Is everything ok?” A voice coming from behind startled you, making you jump in your seat and almost fall to your side. Luckily, a pair of hands steadied you, lingering seconds longer to make sure you weren’t going to slip.

You knew who it was without even looking back; her touches were too unique, made you too hot to go unnoticed. Indeed, Yunjin presented herself to you, making her way into the kitchen as she stared in your eyes with worry etched in her face. You cleared your throat, adjusting your posture so you wouldn’t look as fragile as you felt in front of her, at least. You hated looking fragile in front of anyone, let alone… her.

Likewise, you and Yunjin were close, as you were with the rest of the girls. But with her, it was just the way she portrayed herself that got you completely enamored. You’ve lost count of the times the girls teased you for losing focus at rehearsals because of her dancing. The way she was constantly trying to be the kindest version of herself, her passion for music, her care for others... it was hard not to be completely captured by her, truly. Which is why you were always awkward around her, specially when it was just the two of you, alone.

Like now.

“Ahn, no, unnie.” You said automatically, making her raise her eyebrows at you. Clearing your throat, you corrected yourself. “Yes, I meant yes. Everything’s ok. Sorry.”

Obviously, she wasn’t convinced. You drank from your water, trying to calm yourself down, but stopped when her soft hands kept you from drinking all of it in one go.

“Calm down, Y/n. You’ll end up drowning this way.” Her words were meant to be playful, but they reminded you of your nightmare, and suddenly the kitchen felt cramped, and you were there again, with the water making pressure to invade your lungs and the ice barrier and-

“Hey,” Yunjin’s voice was soft as she got closer, reaching out for a hug. “All is good; just breathe with me.” You focused on her face, ever so delicate, following her commands. After a few minutes, you were feeling much calmer. “That’s a good girl.” She praised, as you face the ground in embarrassment.

Taking your hands off her, you muttered. “Thanks, unnie.”

The words got to you, much to your dismay, and you could feel your face growing hot by it. Yunjin noticed it too, chuckling slightly.

“Cute.”

You faced your hands, embarrassed by your turmoil, and the two of you stood in an awkward silence until the sighed, taking the seat beside you.

“So… does this have something to do with Yeji?” She asked, cutting the apple you didn’t see her getting for herself, a cautious tone leaving her lips.

You frowned at the question. Why would yunjin think about Yeji? Seeing your confusion, she tapped on your phone over the balcony, still unlocked at the conversation with your friend. “Sorry for lurking. It’s just… you seemed really frightened, and I couldn’t help but look.”

Your bandmate was embarrassed to be caught, too, and you couldn’t help but giggle. Still, you reached for your phone to lock it; you couldn’t have Yunjin reading the messages you had sent Yeji about her. “It’s okay, unnie. I know you didn’t mean any harm.”

She hummed in response, still eyeing you attentively.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She seems to ponder her words better, as she adds, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. It’s just that you’ve seemed really shaken. You still do, actually.”

Your hands flicker the empty glass nervously, unsure of what to do. You didn’t want Yunjin to think of you as something fragile or weak. Being only a few months older than Kazuha, you always tried your best to not be labeled as a maknae to any of the older girls, always trying to take care of them too, as you knew they needed it. But she was looking at you with such caring eyes, and the whole thing had just felt so real. You sighed in defeat, not quite looking at her face.

“It’s stupid, really. Just a stupid nightmare.” You toyed with your phone, doing anything to not stare at the older girl beside you. “About Yeji-unnie... she’d told me once we have to tell someone about your nightmares, to prevent them from coming true. That’s why I messaged her, but she’s sleeping, for sure.”

Now that the words left your mouth, you felt even sillier. And stupid.

“Well, want to tell me what the nightmare was about?” She asked just as quietly, a faint smile adorning her face. “We can’t have it come true, right?”

She wouldn’t judge you. Never judge you.

Your eyes finally met hers, and you got to look into the beauty that was her almond orbs. You took a deep breath, getting ready to live those moments again. Yunjin listened attentively as you talked, leaning on her hand to have her full attention on you. When you finished, you felt surprisingly lighter, no longer trembling or wanting to cry.

“It’s not stupid.” She said, after you were done talking. Her nose was adorably scrunched, and it made you want to kiss it. Yunjin touched your arms, offering you some comfort. “It sounded really traumatic, actually. I’m glad it was just a nightmare.”

You nodded, secretly relieved yourself, too.

A small breeze went through the room, making you shiver a little, even though you tried your best to suppress it. Yunjin noticed your reaction, and her gaze dropped to your pajamas. You cursed yourself for choosing such a small pair for the night. The fabric was still a little damp, and it partially clung to your chest. You weren’t even wearing any panties, because you’d never bothered to sleep with them on anyway, but you were suddenly hyper aware of it. As she scanned you whole and her eyes darkened, you couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever thought about it too. Of you.

You’ve certainly had thought about her. An embarrassingly amount of times.

“You’ll catch a cold this way, Y/n. It’s cold outside.” Her voice made you feel as as if your body was filled with tiny needles, along with the familiar butterflies in your stomach.

“It bothers me to sleep with too many clothes, unnie. You know it.” You said, not intending to suggest anything, but biting your lips when the words came out of your mouth. It was another habit the girls always teased you for: you’ve often said things with double sense without thinking. Yunjin merely arched her eyebrows, smirking like she knew something.

“I know.”

You got up, forcing yourself to smile at her despite the awkwardness.

“I, ahn, I should go to bed now, we need to sleep. You should too, unnie, we have a busy day tomorrow and I’d hate to see you tired.” Your words brought her attention back, and she returned your smile with her beautiful one, getting up herself.

“Sure, sure, you’re right. Sleep well, Y/n. I hope you have good dreams, this time.” She looked like she wanted to step in and say something else, but decided otherwise.

“I will, unnie.” You’d surely remember how she had comforted you, and there simply wasn’t a possibility to have any nightmares after that.

You two walked the short hallway side by side, and since your room was first, you stepped by the door to bid her goodnight again. She was too close, and it made you weary of how you could see her so clearly, and even kiss you if you wanted to. If only you had the courage. “Thanks again, by the way. For listening and... well, for helping me calm down.”

“It’s nothing, Y/n. Remember I’m just down the hall if you need me, okay?” She was the one who broke the invisible barrier between you, shuffling your hair. She was close, too close as she whispered to you. “Sweet dreams.”

And as she left, you hoped she couldn’t hear how loud your heart was beating.

You got back to bed, but no matter how much you tossed and turned, you couldn’t stop replaying the events of earlier in your had. It was so natural, how her presence made everything lighter. Your head was so cluttered with your thoughts you barely registered the weight on your mattress, only realizing you had an extra visitor when she whispered.

“...Y/n?”

[bambisnc]

OK! [or, group projects w riize]

pairing : ot7 x reader! genre : fluff with crack delicately lined in cw/tw : food mention + use of caps wc : idk ,,

shotaro ,. ! - the mood maker!! - is the person who Socializes, helps to coordinate between the members, makes the gc, arranges meet-ups; just overall supportive and cheerful even if your team is doing literally nothing and is very likely about to get an F (D:) - shows up w like cut fruits for everyone, goes on coffee runs + writes encouraging lil messages on sticky notes and leaves them around/in notebooks etc etc - also x2 i see him as someone who like,... doodles on your people’s hands :( draws a smol star and writes something adorably cringe like “ur my star ^-^”

eunseok ,. ! - he’s the type of guy who’d take charge and delegate work to everyone; to put it simply : BOSSY AF. dare i say dictator coded even, but hey, he just wants this to get over with yk?? - bit scary to work w at first but when if he warms up to you he might would definitely indulge in a lot of partiality; assign you the easier tasks/the tasks that you prefer + if someone pisses him off he would, w the nicest sweetest smile ever, assign them the worst possible task.. - can be bribed if you offer to help w his work though sooo :) do w that what you will :) 

sungchan ,. ! - trust on me this, he’d be the one who’s always “busy” except in his case he probably fr is bc my guy is just into That Many extra curriculars - you call him up like hey where are you we’re supposed to meet at *insert name* coffee shop rn?? and he’d answer w all seriousness that his “rap music club members have a mandatory team exercise for which they’ve gone fishing and after he needs to prepare an ad for the video game club because he kinda insulted the ad making team and now they’re all on strike . oh and he has football coaching (as in he needs to coach like a bunch of tiny kindergarteners as a favor to some aunt) right in between!” - he’ll send all his work at like 4am tho dw ^^ sleep is for the weak.

wonbin ,. ! -perfectionist!!! he would be The aesthetic stationery + supplies guy with like pouches and pouches of pretty washi tapes, metallic coloured calligraphy pens, stickers and much more - would definitely call out people if their handwriting was bad.. - also he would totally use the project as an excuse to get to know whoever he’s interested in~ might offer to split the work into like duos and immediately choose you as his partner~ - prepare yourself for a lot of really obvious and goofy flirting..

seunghan ,. ! - ah yes the wise guy (genuine) (no why does he fr know everything about Everything) - puts out the most thought provoking, viewpoint shaking, world stopping arguments then half-slumps over the table and or rests his entire weight to lean on you and mumbles something about wanting to watch shin-chan >< he’s versatile (read : cute) like that - also would quite honestly go along w any idea no matter how bad it is <3 + seems super calm and composed but watch him be the most excited when taro suggests some team bonding at an arcade/festival :( <3

sohee ,. ! - he gives me manages stuff best under high pressure situations - if you’re freaking out about one of your teammates cough cough you can guess who it was having fumbled up and accidentally written down the wrong date and oh no your project is due tomorrow?! don’t worry! he’s got this :D - procrastinator at heart but for the right persuasion tactics done by ahem a certain someone (it’s you) he’d probably give it his all <;3 - also he’s an enabler at heart.. supports the ideas which he knows are going to be a trainwreck just for funsies

anton ,. ! - :(( he is Doing His Best okay - gets a bit overwhelmed due to the rising panic and chaos + leads to people being very partial to him but honestly yk he deserves it <3 - also a rich guy tm, would definitely ahem ahem pull some strings to get some extra fine quality materials~ - feel like he’d be good at research work + another 4am worker would definitely pester you to join zoom calls or ft you and be like hey!! look at this!! i did this!! is it good!! - as an excuse to show off to yuo splurges a lot for an end of the project celebration for sure

notes : inspired by very very real life events (wrote this in a zoom meet w my current group proj members ehe)! if you know me irl and feel like these are based off of you.. they're not!! you're simply hallucinating!!!! <333 + [m.list]

[beemochi-art]

Oreoverse prowl and jazz 8, 18 and 38 :)

8) Prowl gets up significantly earlier than Jazz but still jazz gets up pretty early too. But if prowl doesn’t have to get up. He won’t. Jazz will get up early no matter what. (Unless he’s sick, or hung over.) his internal clock is very good. Jazz has a better time staying up later, night missions and such. Or just staying up reading. Prowl will only stay up late if necessary and if others get to suffer staying up late with in to finish paperwork.

Coffee is incredible necessary for these days.

18) Prowl gets sleepy and will just sit somewhere with his head in his arms. I’d he’s gotta talk he’ll try desperately not to slur his words. If you want him to move, you have to move him. Prowl basically turns into a glorified rag doll, it’s a rare sight.

Jazz is a clingy, giggly drunk. Nothing you say will not be funny. Ultra Magnus scolding him is the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Though anything directed at Prowl he gets hostile, end of the day tho drunk jazz is no great threat. Only prone to saying stupid shit, pouring drinks and empty threats he will not remember tomorrow.

When the two are drunk together oh boy. Jazz is all over prowl. Literally is not going anywhere without him. Don’t try to move prowl at this point cause then there is pissy jazz. Jazz also turns into a horny drunk, loudly telling prowl what he’s going to do to him later.

They both are going to need to get to bed.

Prowl would never get drunk and let jazz deal with him even through drunk prowl is a saint.

As for Jazz, I hope Prowl likes baby sitting. Making sure Jazz doesn’t wonder off places he shouldn’t be, getting into fights he’s not going to win like this and making sure he doesn’t tell ultra Magnus where to stick it. Also make sure he makes it to the trash.

Also getting prepared to deal with grouchy hung over Jazz. Prowl has since taught Jazz the art off fancy drinking.

38) Jazz and Prowl have always wanted kids. He’s always want to be a sire. He’d be more loving than most, but wouldn’t want to be labeled as fun dad and prowl is mean mom. So he’d will keep consistent with punishments when the kids were bad. They’d try to keep it as fair as possible when it comes to chores and taking care of the kids. But Jazz doesn’t mind doing a little extra to keep Prowls life easier.

Prowl would be laying there having to remember that there are new little people in his house. Prowl may not take his work as seriously as he once did. Once cause now he’s twice as busy but his babies come first. No more late night coffee work days.

Prowl has also noticed how full of love Jazz’s optics are when he looks at his bitty are his mate. Prowl gets a little flustered at all the staring.

Jazz is on cloud nine and is the happiest mech who ever lived. He wants more.

[btsqualityy]

mins fluff 🖤 yoongi and min (boyfriend and girlfriend era) are at his place after both having a long day of work. min has been in the bad habit of only wearing yoongi’s clothes whenever she stays over, which would yoongi didn’t mind at firs, he actually loves her in his clothes and would give her the clothes off his back (even tho he does that literally) …until he never saw half of his closet again. once she wears his clothes? they stay glued to her body for a week then they just magically appear in her closet… at her apartment. yoongi’s laying back in bed looking back at his girlfriend who has her arms crossed and a pout on her face.

yoongi: yn, get in the bed please

min: no.

yoongi: yn we both have work tomorrow, cmon i’m tired-

min: where are my clothes?

yoongi: you mean MY clothes? idk you tell me 🤨

min: yoongi 😩 what does it matter if we both wear them?

yoongi: because you do this every week, you come over to stay the night empty handed, you take my clothes, sleep in them, and then they’re gone. if you wanna wear my clothes to bed go get the ones you’ve been taking.

min: ..😲

yoongi: exactly, you can’t because they’re all at your place. you probably have a whole suitcase worth by now, my boxers included. i’ve been flipping them inside out for a week now.

min: ew 🤨

yoongi: it’s your fault!

min keeps her arms crossed and her pout on her face

min: 🥺

yoongi: don’t look at me like that..

min: 😞🥺…

yoongi: stop.

min: but i don’t have anything to wear.. 🥺

yoongi: baby..

yoongi sighs and reaches his hand out to rub her thigh. even tho she could literally sleep in the t shirt she came over in, or her own clothes that she already had scattered in his closet, his girlfriend was spoiled rotten, and it’s his fault. all she wanted was to wear his clothes that carried his scent, so as much as he complains, he’s not going to deny her of that.

yoongi: go pick out a shirt. and hurry up, i’m tired.

she giggly scurries into his closet to find a big enough shirt to swallow her in, yoongi watches her strip down to nothing and pull.it over her head. with a fond smile he acknowledges how beautiful she is,

min: wait, where are you boxers? you only have briefs in here?

yoongi: what did i just say? you have half of them. the other half are dirty and the ones i’m wearing now are hanging on for dear life.

min: you’re an idol yoongi you can’t be this down in the trenches 🙄

yoongi: woma- get in this bed. before i take you home.

with a roll of her eyes min crawls under the covers and claims her spot on his chest. yoongi wraps his arm around her waits & tucks her in. after they fall in a comfortable silence, min asks

min: can i wear the ones you have on now?

yoongi: …what is wrong with you? hm? look at me. we need to get you studied. do you understand?😐

-mini drabble anon 💘 in my mind feels today. baD.

This was hilarious, omg 😭😭min is down bad for her man and she doesn’t feel embarrassed about it in the slightest 🥰

[ratwife77]

well if you're ok with itt

darry and twobit getting into a physical fight (bc greasers), darry realizing he liked taking his anger out on him, and promptly feeling like the worst person alive for like a week and can't even look at twobit even tho he doesnt care and is back joking around like an hour after the fight LOL

Just letting you know my fight scenes aren’t great so it’s gonna start with the aftermath of it, also I’m sorry in advance idk how Dallas got involved here and there is a minor minor oc also this may be put on ao3, this is a sort of rough draft subject to change, I hope you enjoy

What on Earth is the matter with me, I thought, sure I was nuts. Of course I’d fought before, but it was only for pride. I didn’t just like hurting people. But when Two-Bit and I were going at it, I felt angry. Not at him, but I was taking it out on him, there was no doubt about it. Looking over at him, cackling over his own joke, I knew that he was probably just hiding feeling bad. He hid plenty under witty comments and put-on smiles. My gut twisted at that, and I couldn’t look at him anymore, feeling sick with myself as I washed the dishes. Cleaning up gave me plenty of time to think about all I’d done, and I just clenched my fists harder the more I thought about it.

When he eventually left, I was still trying to rationalize it all, but I figured I at least owed him a goodbye. “Bye, Two-Bit.”

He called one back and headed off.

It was messed up, feeling glad that he was gone, but I was. I couldn’t bear facing him. My buddy, who I enjoyed hurting. Ain’t that just awful? But I did have to go to bed and be ready for work in the morning, so I tried to sleep. My mind was racing, though, and sleep just wasn’t coming no matter how hard I tried. Deciding that I may as well be productive while I was awake, I sat at the table and paid the bills that I’d been planning on doing tomorrow. It took me an hour or two longer than usual, though, because I couldn’t focus like I wanted.

When I’d finally finished, I laid back down and shut my eyes, finally passing out, exhausted. Thank the Lord, I got up on time and got to work with no trouble. Robert, a guy from the roofing business, probably five years older than me, said, “You don’t look too good. You okay?”

I cursed myself for being so obvious. “Right as rain, thanks for asking.”

Carefully, I made myself at least look right, though I couldn’t get myself to stop thinking about the mess with Two. Damn it, I thought, I’m the worst person in Tulsa.

I went on thinking like that for a good week or so, but one night, Dally came to our house, looking for a place to lay over for the night. Letting him in, I asked if he was hungry, telling him we had leftovers. He gave me a real funny look. “I’m starving.” Slowly, he looked over me, looking like he was about to say something. I grabbed a plate from the counter, then pulled out the leftovers, fixing him some. For a moment, I was distracted, focusing on helping him.

“Darry, you look like you’ve been through the mill.” Blunt as ever, he had his eyebrows scrunched together and I felt bare. Usually, I held it together, but nothing weighed me down more than worry and guilt. At least Pony hadn’t noticed, I guess. But now, I’m not sure if he just wasn’t sure about asking. Soda had asked, and he looked worried, but I brushed him off.

I hadn’t answered quick enough, accidentally giving myself away. “You haven’t looked right since we were all over last week.. Ain’t ya been eatin’ and sleepin’?”

“Sure I have, Dally.”

“What is it, then? You’re Superman, you can’t be like this over nothin’.”

Eventually, he wore me down enough to tell him. I think he thought I was being ridiculous.

But he insisted, “Shoot, it’s a good way to blow off steam. Me and Tim do it all the time.” As if he could see my hesitation, he continued, “You ought to calm down. It ain’t a big deal. Buddies fight sometimes, keeps us sane.”

I realized that I’d taken it too seriously, and I’d been too hard on myself. Slowly, it became easier to look at Two-Bit and to roughhouse.

——————————————————————————

Also I would’ve done Tim instead of Dally but honestly it would have been wayyyy out of character so I think this is better quality

[captainschaos]

dreaded grin, cold light

wrote this fic for @k-asternix for the @mcyt-halloween gift exchange!! it was a little out of my comfort zone since I really only watch mumbo/scar/grian through life series, but I decided to go for it anyway and had a blast :] a little platonic soulmate action with some spooks on the side, hope you enjoy!

(also worth noting, this will likely be part 1 of 2 for your gift!! unofficially since I don't think it will be done by tomorrow, but I do have a second piece in the works and can tag you when I post that too ^_^)

word count: 3851 This will likely be posted to ao3 too! I'm new over there tho so wanna make sure I get all the parts right before I put it up, will edit to link that here when I do ---/---/---

The atmosphere of the Deep Frost Citadel has always made Mumbo feel at least a little on edge. Sure, he often felt such glee here too, laughing with the other hermits outside the dungeon door, smiling and barely containing their excitement as they all wait for their turn to run the game, but there’s also… an unease. It is not hidden that the Citadel is a hostile place, with its spines and glaring eyes abounding in the crevices of its stonework walls, but it’s deeper. Maybe it’s just the chill that always makes it a bit uncomfortable to sit in one place for too long inside it. Maybe it’s the groans that come from deep in the place’s belly where the dungeon churns with hunger. But no matter how much he loves Decked Out, and how often he will always return to this place with joy, Mumbo just can’t seem to shake the underlying twist at the pinprick in the center of his belly that something is not quite right here. 

But still, it’s a place he loves, and he loves being with his friends here. So right now, he sits with Grian in their shared room, listening as Grian goes through his deck. 

“I mean, I’ve just about got all the commons covered, so I get to get into the fun stuff now, y’know?”

“Mhm,” Mumbo hums in response, smiling down at his own small deck he’s shuffling through while he listens to Grian. 

“I’m just not sure…” Grian sighs, though Mumbo can hear that it’s a playful kind of half-feigned irritation. “It’s nice to be able to choose, but now I have to make decisions, which-”

Grian’s words are cut off, and Mumbo glances up quickly as he hears the feathers of his wings rustle slightly. The harpy’s wings and shoulders are tensed for only a fraction of a moment as Mumbo looks at him, but he quickly shakes it out and picks up another of his cards. 

“Are, uh- you alright, Grian?”

“Oh, yeah.” He shoots Mumbo a reassuring grin. “Scar just tripped over a berry bush I think. He’s running the dungeon right now.” 

“Oh, uhm… Right.” 

Of course. Ever since Double Life, Scar and Grian have had a soullink which lets them feel the other’s pain. There had been signs they were soulmates for a while before that, but it was that iteration of the great death games that had cemented it in a way that was unignorable. Mumbo sometimes wishes he had been there, wonders who he might have been matched with, but it is what it is. He and Grian are soulmates too, even if they don’t share this. 

Less than a minute passes before Grian hisses with a shallow gasp of pain again, and this time Mumbo catches the momentary glow of the pale, spiked halo that signs the action of his soullink. It’s silvery, like the vex magics that line Scar’s smile, but with a bronze undertone that complements Grian’s dusty-brown hair and feathering. It almost looks thorned. Certainly painful. 

Even before Mumbo can say anything, Grian laughs about it. “Scar’s just fallen off something, the idiot. He’s not going to be able to take a hit from a ravager, I can tell you that much.” 

“Sounds like Scar,” Mumbo says with a half a chuckle in response. But it’s hard to cover up the unease he’s feeling. 

It’s always hard to watch though. Seeing Grian in pain, when there’s nothing to do about it… it makes Mumbo’s stomach twist. But there’s an element of love in it, and Grian always says it’s fine, not to worry, and always laughs and shakes his head affectionately after he winces. So as Scar continues his run through the depths of the dungeon, Mumbo watches and listens, biting his tongue, as Grian narrates each unfortunate twist of the vex’s journey. When Grian grabs his arm and announces Scar must have healed up, because that couldn’t have been anything but a ravager bite, Mumbo’s insides twist in knots. The Citadel feels colder than ever around him when Grian shakes out another berry prick, but there’s an affectionate smile that Mumbo just can’t quite understand. There’s an unsettling feeling of watching through a window that shouldn’t be there while Grian narrates with uncanny specificity as Scar trips and fights through the dungeon, a journey that should be known only to the stomach of Decked Out, but has wormed its way through the soullink to Grian and now squirms in Mumbo’s gut. He feels off. So when there’s a shudder, and Grian clutches his chest and his wings spread in automatic response, Mumbo can’t help but jump to his feet and go to his friend. 

“Grian!” 

“I’m fine!” As Mumbo reaches out for his soulmate, Grian’s hand comes up to block him through a flat-palmed gesture, and he shakes out his feathers. “You don’t need to worry, Mumbo, I’ve told you this! It’s all–”

“Well THAT was a nightmare!” Scar says with an enormous smile as saunters up to Grian and Mumbo’s cubby. “All the ravagers in all the wrong places, just awful. I do not recommend trying to get an artifact through there right now.”

“Seemed it, buddy!” Grian says jauntily. He looks at Mumbo with one last look, clearly trying to calm him, but it somehow just makes him feel more queasy when Grian goes back to talking to Scar like it’s all fine. “It was Willy who did you in at the end there, wasn’t it?”

Mumbo knows what just happened though. Scar barely had to feel the dying, the world snatching him up as soon as his soul cried out and shuffling him comfortably back to the bed to respawn. That’s part of how they all set up their respawns, it’s all designed to mitigate the pain. But Grian… 

What did he feel?

Mumbo can’t help but feel sick at the thought of it. 

But deeper down, in a more selfish part of him, he wonders if it’s the fact that he’s the only one who has no way to know that makes him feel sick to the stomach. 

Maybe it’s just the Citadel getting to him. 

Yeah. That must be it. 

---/---/---

Scar hums to himself as he shuffles through a shulker box, pulling out a bundle of pumpkins to set out between himself and Grian. 

“There we go! Where would you like them, buddy-ol-pal?”

“Pretty much everywhere!” the harpy announces giddily. He’s already got rolls of black and orange and green wool streamers wrapped around his arms as he looks up at the entrance of his base with both hands proudly on his hips. The Halloween colors are blooming all around Grian’s base, and with Scar and Mumbo’s help, they’re just coming to pop more and more. 

“You got it!” Scar hefts up a pumpkin under each arm, tutting as the enchantment on his leg braces fizzes under the weight. Not his fault he’s so strong! He taps his foot to realign the runes, and then whistles as he picks a nice spot by the door for these two lovely golden gourds. 

“Hm… do you think that should go a bit higher, Scar?” Grian asks. 

“What should?” Scar responds as he straightens up and brushes the pumpkin-dirt off his hands. He looks over to Grian, then follows the line of where he’s pointing. The harpy’s gesture leads up to where Mumbo stands up in the ring surrounding Grian’s nether portal. A bit precarious, but his elytra is folded snugly against his back, ready to catch him should he fall, and he keeps at least one lanky arm clasped to the stone ring around him at all times. More specifically, Grian is pointing to the enormous fake bat the mustached changeling is holding up, showing where he plans to hang it from the top of the portal. “Oh. Hm hm… probably just a bit! Don’t want it to hit your head if you come rocketing out of there with a piglin on your tail, you know.” 

“Good point. Alright–” 

And with that, Grian locks eyes with Mumbo across the distance, and there’s a glow. Soft and warm, almost violent in hue with the depth of the shade, a red light seems to pool in Grian’s mouth as he looks up at Mumbo, lips parted slightly. The changeling in turn looks back, and even from this far away Scar can see the glow that shows the message has been received, and sure enough he shifts a bit so that he can raise the decoration higher before securing it with string. Scar turns to see Grian blink a few times, and then he gets back to his own work throwing streamers over everything in reach, smiling softly to himself. 

Scar knows, there’s no need to be jealous. Grian and Mumbo have their soulmate bond, and Scar has his own with the harpy, but… he still wonders. He can’t help it, shoving words in different spots to create every configuration of what might pass between them that he can’t hear, through their sharing of thoughts. It is nice that at least there’s the glowing sign when it happens, so he’s not completely left out of the loop, but there’s still… there’s just still some unshakeable feeling about it. Something uneasy. Something that makes the ground feel unstable under Scar, like he doesn’t quite know where to step without falling. It’s silly, he knows. But knowing what he doesn’t know doesn’t seem to help much. 

But nevermind all that! He has pumpkins to throw around after all, and he delights in putting them in as many ledges and nooks as he can reach without Grian being able to. Realistically, the harpy has the wings to reach any of it, but that doesn’t stop Scar from laughing as he has to hop to readjust one of the jack-o-lanterns Scar’s placed a bit askew. But like punctuation throughout this, there are the moments where Grian looks over Scar’s shoulder, and there’s a momentary rush of adrenaline as he wonders if there’s a creeper behind him, and then he sees the glow in Grian’s mouth. 

It casts shadows that seem to accentuate every sharp edge to the harpy’s teeth. 

“Mumbo’s just about done,” Grian says after one of these moments. “You think we’ve done our work here?”

“Oh, for sure!” Scar announces, putting his hands on his hips as he looks over their handiwork. “Looking mighty spooky here, friend. A nice spread of tricks and treats.”

“Perfect. Let’s get out of here and maybe grab a bite to eat then, huh? All this work has certainly got my appetite up.” 

Scar keeps smiling, but as Grian talks, he can’t seem to look anywhere but at his teeth. There’s a pinch in his stomach. 

“Sounds good.”

---/---/---

Mumbo sits alone in his vault, at a desk he tends to keep reserved for redstone planning. There are sketches laid out in front of him, pages and pages of blueprints that are more like redprints with the lines of redstone scrawled across them, but none of them are right. His head is in his hands, his changeling claws just barely pressing into his scalp as more of a grounding pressure than anything, but there is something bothering him. 

And the maddening thing is, he doesn’t know what. 

It’s an aching, something that he keeps thinking is hunger, but he’s been eating. Golden carrots at first, he always keeps a bundle of them at his desk for this purpose, but they didn’t help. He snapped his teeth through piece after piece of the clicking-crunching things, the sound of them breaking rattling like brittle bones, but they seemed to glide right past the sensation rolling in his gut. After biting through a handful of them, he thought maybe he was just having a different craving, so he went to find some steak, but that did little besides give a new ripping instead of the crunching. He even tried golden apples as his desperation grew, but he almost felt he was being taunted. He was hungry, and yet eating did nothing to help him. 

And the churning in his stomach is only growing. 

---

Scar sits in one of his many workshops hidden throughout the back areas of Scarland, looking over the plans for the latest and greatest ride to come. Or at least, he’s trying to. At the moment he’s holding his head in his hands, palms pressing into his forehead, the heels of his hands smothering his eyes as he tries to rub away the weight that seems to have settled on his eyelashes. He can hardly even look at his plans, much less process them, as his vexish wings flicker behind him in a visual representation of his struggle to just keep himself upright, as something tugs at him. 

But he has no idea what. 

He’s trying to keep on his smile, despite the fact that there’s no one in the room, just to keep himself sane. It’s solidly into the evening hours on the server, sure, but he’s had plenty of rest. And yet there’s an aching when he peels his eyes open, and it feels like folds of weight have been hung over him to pull him, smother him, to the earth. Every bone in his body feels like a support beam about to snap, and he would swear his spine creaks as he tries to straighten up. It seems like fatigue, but he knows he should be fine. He makes sure he rests, he knows he should be fine, and besides, he even tried sleeping. He laid down in one of the spots he has set up in case of occasions like this, closed his eyes, and… nothing. The silence was maddening. There was nothing to disturb him, and yet, no sleep came. So now he sits here, listening to nothing, looking at nothing, and yet he remains. He feels chained to the ground itself, every movement is a dragging, and yet his mind remains, stagnant and stale in this state. 

And the weight around his neck is only growing. 

---

Mumbo is trying to focus. He is desperately trying to focus. But it feels like something is trying to rip him in two, the way this strange, poltergeist of a hunger is clawing at him. 

Still, nothing is working. Mumbo’s tried potions now, splashing them and drinking, hoping for something to put even just a dent in the hunger tearing at his insides. It did nothing for the aching in his gut, the tightness in the back of his throat, like a hand clenched around his neck. He leans now against the door of his vault, trying to use the coolness of the metal to drag his mind away from it, but there’s no thinking about anything but the hunger. It’s grating at his mind. Panic is starting to form a new core to the grinding in the pit of his stomach. A fear, a wondering- what if this never leaves? What if there’s no answer, what if this is it? He has no idea what’s caused it, so what if there’s no way to end it? There’s a hopelessness beginning to emerge, like an animal crawling out of a cave. He doesn’t want it to be there. But even worse, he’s scared there’s no defeating it. 

His gut drops if he thinks too much about it. 

---

Scar wants to focus. He really, truly wants to focus. But it’s just impossible, it’s impossible! He’s absolutely positive now that there’s nothing he can do about it. 

Nothing has worked. Scar’s flipped on every beacon in the area now, hoping their powers might do something to rejuvenate him, but it did nothing. It had no effect on the horrid grip around his temples, the feeling dragging him toward the floor. His limbs feel like lead, and he now sits in his wheelchair, just trying to ignore the feeling of weight and dulled senses pulling at him. A kind of claustrophobic desperation is welling up at the center of it all. The dread of not knowing how this will end, the panic of having no idea what’s happening to him, the cause of this weariness. He should know how to fix this. He should be able to fix this. But still…

His chest tightens if he thinks too much about it.

---

There has to be a solution. There has to be. 

The changeling just wants to fix this. He just wants to know what’s wrong with him. He just wants to know what this is, haunting the space just under his ribcage. 

It’s consuming him. He hardly even realizes when the hunt carries him out into the night. 

---

There has to be a solution. There has to be. 

The vex just wants to end this. He wants to know what’s happening to him. He just wants to know what this is, consuming the space just behind his eyes. 

It’s haunting him. He hardly even realizes when the need takes him out into the night. 

---

Two figures tumble into opposite sides of an alleyway. Teeth bared, stomachs snarling and snatching, skulls lolling toward the ground, they lock eyes with one another. And in their horrid torments, enveloped in the cold night, something snaps in place. 

---/---/---

Grian happily carries a shulker box full of building materials as he walks down the path toward the shopping district. He knows he could fly, it’d be much faster, but it’s such a nice day! He wanted to enjoy it. 

“G!” a voice calls, and he stops and spins to try and find it. There are no buildings around this part of the path, but he quickly spots two figures not too far off the road, waving to him. He jogs over, and finds Mumbo and Scar laying on a blanket in the grass, side by side in the laziest of friendly ways. 

“Hello, you two! Enjoying the beautiful day, are we?”

“Certainly better than last night was,” Mumbo says with a lighthearted but slightly concerning chuckle. Scar pipes up to help clarify, or at least attempt to, before Grian can say anything concerned though. 

“Oh, don’t worry about that, it’s all fixed up now! And it did us more good than bad, didn’t it?” 

Mumbo laughs again, this time with a bit more vigor. “Very, very true.” 

“Wait- what happened? Everything’s alright?” 

“Yeah, yeah! Here, we can show you,” Scar pipes up again. “Watch this.” 

With that he rolls over a bit to look at Mumbo, who just smiles and keeps still. After a moment of Scar’s concentration, there’s a glow, and Grian looks down to Scar’s hand where the light seems to be cupped in his palm. Matching, Mumbo’s own palms seem to mirror the glow, and Grian would recognize that silverish light anywhere, though this particular iteration seems to have a very slight green undertone, copperish and almost mimicking sunbeams underwater. 

“Soulmates?!” 

“Soulmates!” Mumbo and Scar affirm, in sync, causing a ripple of giggling. 

“Not sure exactly how recently it, y’know, popped up, but yep! And I can use it to tell you that… Mumbo needs to talk to you.”

Grian finally moves to sit, making a spot for himself between his two soulmate’s legs, but leaving the near-touch they have between their shoulders so they can all sit as together as possible. “So the link’s something need related?”

“Yeah, well,” Mumbo begins, somehow managing to twiddle his fingers even with his hands making a pillow under his head, “I think it might have been at least partially shaped by… what we were missing, from our soullinks with you. Not that you aren’t amazing!” Grian nods understandably, waiting for the explanation to finish. “It’s just- Scar and I were both seeing how you connected with the other, and it- it made something to be left out of, I guess? Or maybe just made it easier to notice what we were missing, I’m not sure it just-” 

“We were missing the link to each other,” Scar finishes for Mumbo. A glow fades from his palm again, not as strong as when he was focusing on it, but a sign Mumbo may have been in need of a bit of silver-tongued rescuing. “I had the pain, he had the thoughts, and so we bridged the gap.” 

“Thinking about each other’s pain,” Mumbo says with a grateful smile given to Scar. “That’s the way I’ve been thinking about it, at least.” 

“So… how did you figure this out, exactly?” Grian asks. 

“Oh, ah- well, Scar hadn’t eaten in far too long, and I thought I was getting ripped apart from the inside out!” Mumbo laughs, rolling so his elbow can jab into Scar’s shoulder. 

“Hey! At least I take all the cat-naps a man could need, one of us needed some shut-eye so bad it was driving me up the wall!” 

And at this, Grian laughs. He was asleep plenty early last night, and must have stayed asleep through any inkling of this event. But of course, these two managed to get supernaturally attuned in precisely the right way to bully each other about taking care of themselves. As much focus as Mumbo had on him, he knows Scar and Mumbo have their very own, very unique friendship. And he has no need to be jealous- he knows they love him in equally wonderful ways. 

“Oh, you wonderful idiots! How’d you get that mess sorted out then?” 

“I practically tackled Mumbo into bed of course!” Scar says with his hands thrown in the air. 

“But not before I shoved about a stack of steak into your mouth!” Mumbo shoots back through giggles. 

All three of them are laughing, and Grian pats a hand on each of his soulmates’ nearest knee. “Well, glad you seem in much better spirits now. Can I see the soullink work again?”

“Sure! Here, I’ll give it a go this time.” Mumbo turns to Scar and scrunches up his face comedically as their palms glow once more, and the two barely hold back giggles as their foreheads nearly press together. “Hmm, I think Scar’s hungry. For… Grian brainsss…!” he announces with a punctuating wiggle of his fingers for extra spooky effect. 

“What! No no no, that’s your thing, Mr. I-Am-What-I-Eat!” 

The group collapses into a fit of giggles, and Grian falls onto his chest between his soulmates, wrapping an arm around each in a wonderfully clumsy hug. Scar throws an arm up over Grian’s head to reach around to Mumbo, and the changeling in turn reaches across Grian to playfully swat at Scar’s other hand as he gestures wildly. They remain like that for a while, safe and comfortable in each other’s presence, smiling and talking all too loudly for reasonable interaction. But affection has no need to be reasonable, in the face of unreasonable obstacles, even if those obstacles have been thoroughly overcome. It’s the absurdity that will keep them running strong. It’s the laughter after the dark that will always bring them back to each other. 

[mushroomwillow]

so I quit my job. Just texted and said nope. And even with the threat of not having a job in time to cover all my bills, 99.9% of my anxiety has gone away. Yes I’m still anxious. But I don’t feel sick to my stomach about going to work, and not knowing if tomorrow my entire schedule will change. That the “promised” hours will suddenly be gone.

So like, as much as I loved being a caregiver, being one on one with patients, I learned tbh the hard way that I cannot do it. September nailed the head on that coffin. So much was put on me, and no matter how much I asked for help, I was told “just deal with it he won’t be in our care by the end of the month anyway” and my mental health fucking tanked.

Him, his wife, and everyone I came into contact with expected me to find a solution. I had no power to do so. No recourses, and no way to convince them they needed a facility. That that’s all their insurance would cover. Even the nurses and shit expected me to be able to do this. One tried to convince me to start my own business so I could do it, even tho there’s no fucking way, I’m not a nurse, I have no formal education, how the fuck would I be able to do that.

And then talking to my therapist? Really thinking about how their children were boomers and all 3 of them went no contact? The likelyhood of a boomer doing that is slim to none. And it fucking hurts to do that, I’ve done it. So all 3? Something has to have happened that was serious and severe.

So idk. I like taking care of people. I enjoy helping people at the end of their lives. But I won’t ever be a caregiver again.

Now I’m looking for something where I can work with my hands. Something “mindless”. Something where the only thing I’m responsible for is getting one thing to another thing and making sure nothing gets broke or no one gets hurt. Just fuck it all for a while. Eventually I’d like to get into tattooing while I complete my degree, and maybe after the 4 years I’ll have had enough time to really consider what I want to do with it, but above all, I want my mental and physical health to be my priority.

I’ll find something to make extra cash in the meantime. Instacart, dog walking (I have to find the money for the background check first for that one), just something to make sure the bills are paid. We’re just going to have to eat a lot of rice and beans, pasta, and soup for a while. I can make my own bread too so that’s not much of an issue right now.

It sucks. And I’m kind of just venting and getting the thoughts out there. And coming to terms with a lot of stuff about myself. There’s so much right now that idk what’s going to happen. But the feeling of relief I have even with no idea when I’ll get a replacement job is honestly kind of sad. I knew it was messing with me but I didn’t realize how much.

[ultimateloserboy]

Why do you hate people calling dhmis a time loop?

I always saw it as an easy way to describe what we know happens: it is always either June 19th or 20th, and any changes made the previous day are undone, including death, injuries, and new memories.

Does calling it a time loop change anything that I missed? /gen

hi i just wanna say that i don’t actually HATE anyone that believes this, sure it makes me angry, but theres nothing wrong with it! believe what you want! my opinions are not law, but i would like to explain why this theory makes no sense to me as someone with a hyperfix (and maybe special interest) on this show and series as a whole

the reason i personally hate this theory is because it literally doesnt make any sense if you think about it for more than a second. its an easy-way-out explanation if that makes sense. ive rewatched both the show and the webseries and i can say firmly that neither of them work as a time loop. ESPECIALLY the tv series, because they have specific holidays on specific days (like computer day) and even mention “tomorrow” in the same episode. if every day was the same day colin would be there every day for computer day, but hes not. in the death episode its mentioned that the news papers change every day. in the very first episode of the tv series the first thing the main three mention is that they stayed up all night talking. that wouldn’t work in a time loop. not to mention how time loops imply the same thing over and over. since when is anything in dhmis the EXACT same? similar format does not count. time loops are very specific, and work in a very specific way, the fact people have thought dhmis is a time loop for this long is genuinely surprising to me. like it just makes no sense?? the only thing that even remotely suggests this is the calendar and the calendar is JUST A CALENDAR. the calendar itself is just a prop, and june 19th/20th is just a placeholder date to keep things mysterious. sure its mentioned often and might be important but only in a metaphoric way. in a LITERAL sense the calendar never actually mattered, its a shame people still think it does.

and no, nothing in dont hug me im scared is undone. deaths are not undone, the puppets are simply replaced. everything still happened, its simply forgotten by the main three and cleaned up by lesley. even with the original series the main three remember the days and songs before. duck hasnt done this in the tv series but in the webseries and in a qna with the characters he freaks out when time is mentioned, and red guy catches on when someone references the computer episode. nothing in this world is re-set, only forgotten and cleaned up with hints left behind.

i like to think of it less literally. i like to think that the reason the date is the same is because despite the fact that time is moving forward, these characters are never moving with it. time goes on but they do not. their memories are deteriorating behind them and the world refuses to let them change as people. so it might not really be june at all, but to the characters nothing has changed. so the date is more symbolic to me, more metaphorical. this is only my belief tho, theres many interpretations, but i feel like the time loop theory is such an overrated interpretation yaknow?

yet again, no actual hatred just a very passionate neurodivergent opinion about my hyperfix LMAO

[persephoneflouwers]

Angels fly, BUT ALL THE LINES ARE PSYCHOLOGICAL/PHILOSOPHICAL APPROACHES

If every star is an eye in the sky, You'll see angels fly

This curious post was born because the first time I listened to this song I remembered the anecdote a certain Plato tells in his books: Tales the philosopher used to fall on the ground because he spent so much time looking at the sky and studying it instead of watching where he was going. This was the beginning of the proverbial “having the head in the clouds” and worked to stereotype philosophers as the distracted clumsy always in their own world kinda people. It was only later at night that this super-weird post was written. I had fun ngl!

Nothing really matters, nothing really hurts

Moderate existential Nihilism, according to which life is without intrinsic value, meaning, or purpose. Kinda surprising coming from Louis (!!!) but that should say a lot about the album from the title straight to the last note of the last song. Ah! Louis, Louis.

We can't talk about it, It'll only make it worse. There's a time for saying who did what, Where it went wrong

Critique of practical reason: now you can believe it or not but the closure to this book is literally “two things fill my mind with ever increasing wonder and awe: the starry heaven above me and the moral law within me.” And only that is a reason to gasp! The mention of sky and stars AND what’s right and wrong in the same sentence? Wild! Anyway it’s a lot, but it’s quite fun to find these references. I guess Kant would be at least intrigued by the line “there’s time for saying where it we t wrong”… both the concept of time (read below) and the inevitability of making mistakes in humans agenda make this verse a splendid gem in my eyes.

I wanna hear all that, but right now All I need you to know is You'll be okay, we can talk tomorrow + One single word, it could wait till the morning

Apology of emotional procrastination: this is what I just made up because I own procrastination as a lifestyle. In a way, he’s trying to prioritise the moments and even though talking is actually a good way to learn and grow, it is also something he can postpone.

I'm on my way with some time to borrow + I'll knock on your door, it'll save me from calling

Authenticity of time: I could genuinely write en entire essay on the concept of Time in Louis’ songwriting and in Philosophy. They all wondered what time is, how we perceive it, what we can do with it. I could give you just a few names (Aristoteles, Eistein, Hegel, Nietzsche), but my favourite one will be Bergson. He talked about the interior time, non-dividable and non-ripeatable, stocked in our conscience, in which the various moments interpenetrate each other without interruption.

Look at the horizon, Just to make you feel small?

Subversion of metaphysical solipsism: big words, strong words even. But he’s basically saying the world is bigger than me (lol) and you’re not in this alone. You don’t exist on your own. It’s cool, but also sort of an impasse bc yeah world has bigger problems, but that doesn’t mean you can’t struggle for your own shit yk?

Put the pain in my heart till now, You don't need anymore

A simple Epicurean philosophy 🎶: aponia!! and ataraxia!! We going deep lol You don’t need the pain duh put it away now. He’s so cute tho to store the pain in his heart and make it easier for the other person, but it’s an interesting take as obvious as it sounds. You can’t the pain along with you if you want to heal. Easier to say than to be done.

[roobylavender]

I wrote this during my breakdown so I'm not actually crying rn jshshjs

Being in a desi family means no matter what I'll do for my parents, I know they will always choose my brother over me, well at least my father will. I will never get the justice I deserve as long as I live in this family. Sure, my mom tried for me but that only lasted 5 minutes at most before she gave up. Maybe she knew it will never happen so that's why. It still hurts tho. Only trying once and then never again. And instead preaching ME to not get on my brother's bad side. I really, really loathe living in this family. I loathe desi men. My parents will never raise their voice for me to my brother. They will never defend me as he continues to bully me whenever he wants to. And as I continue to type this as I cry, I know it's pointless. Tomorrow I will act like nothing happened and continue to please my father, as if I don't have this thoughts running through me everytime I talk to him. I will continue to talk to my mom as if I don't think how she will never fight for me even if I told her all of this. Because what is the point knowing it will cause a meaningless discourse in the family that will only last a few hours or a day at best and embarrassed myself. Knowing it will be me who will get lectured. And I'm not even crying because of my brother rn it's the fact knowing my parents never did, and never will fight for me. I might've forgave my brother if only my parents did something and he apologized. But they never did. Every day I loathe and love my parents. Being in a desi family sucks.

i want to apologize again for getting to this so late and while i am more than familiar with how this is unfortunately a perpetual, never-ending kind of deal, i really hope that today you’re feeling at least a little better than you were when you were typing this. i’m not sure how old you are but speaking from personal experience i really think the best outlet for any desi kid is to try to be independent as soon as possible. if your family can afford it go for an undergrad degree in a different city. keep connecting with people so your network provides you with opportunities to get out and get a job. prioritize financial stability so that you have the means to move out even if it’s into an apartment. it depends from family to family obv but sometimes there’s a point where some families will not change and you have to do what’s best for yourself and that’s okay. i think it’s easy for us to harbor a lot of guilt that we’re ungrateful if we don’t stick around and try to fix some of the baggage ourselves but what i’ve learned is that even if you want to try to fix the baggage you need to be in a mentally stable place to do so. living at home doesn’t necessarily facilitate that. and i don’t know what your thoughts on it would be personally but if from what i assume you’re a girl then i again would highly highly recommend doing whatever you can to forge financial independence for yourself. even if it means working a minimum wage job for now. i feel like in a lot of desi families there’s a tendency to look down on that sort of thing (odd, no?) but it’s really a vital developing experience all people and esp desi women should invest in. my lack of financial experience has hindered me in so many ways and kept me tied to a familial situation where i am often very unhappy. i love my parents very much but we have ideological and practical divides and we’re at a stage in life where we need our space from each other (and i imagine that’s true in your situation too) and yet i don’t have the means to execute it bc i’m still figuring my life out. it’s easier said than done obv but i think if you develop the conviction early to get your life in order and work towards creating your own space where you can control how you’re respected it will be worthwhile. the pain of your parents’ faults and inability to protect you is always going to sting and esp within desi families there’s a very deep trauma every child goes through when evaluating what their parents have or haven’t done for them. but that sting will hurt more when you’re completely at your parents’ mercy (and your brother’s, in this case). when they’re not in control anymore it will be easier to manage, and i really hope whatever your circumstances that you’re able to forge that path where your life is your own and you’re not bullied for existing within this familial structure. iA let me know if you ever want to vent again, my dms are open as well so if you want to talk more privately that’s welcome, too. love you lots 🤍

[yourimagines]

Darkness p.5

* English is not my first language I apologise

* Triggers: Swearing, angst, violence, blood Fluff

Nate POV

I told Nick about last night. He was angry but also impressed. “So you went to her?” I nodded. “And just slept, nothing else.” I felt my cheeks warm up. “Kissed.” He laughs and claps in his hands. “And…?” “That’s it, I asked her out on a date.” Nick pats my shoulders. “Good but be careful tho,her aunt isn’t a fan of us.” “I know but it will be fine, we have a date tomorrow night.” He nods. “Okay but who the fuck did this to you.” His whole emotion turned around. “I got jumped I don’t know who…” “bullshit!”

Nina walked into my room as I was playing a video game. “I heard something.” I looked up annoyed. “Go and asked Nick to go look for you.” “No silly not like that.” She moves over to my bed. “What else then?” She smiles at me. “Are you going on at date with y/n?” I looked over at her. “Yes why.” She jumped with a huge smile on her face. “Really?!” “Yeah, keep it down tho, mom and dad are already sleeping.” “Sorry..” she gave me a quick hug. “I hope you guys work out, I would her love as my sister..” I rolled my eyes at her. “Are you done here?” She nods. “Then leave.” She quickly left my room with a huge smile on her face. ‘Idiot.’ I smiled to myself and focused back on the game.

—— date night ——

I knocked on her door and waited. ‘Do I look a bit okay?’ I saw myself in the reflection of the glass in the door. ‘I hope so.’ The door opened and she stood there, beautiful. “Hey, you ready to go?” “Hi, I am.” I reached my hand out for her, she gladly accepted it and steps outside, closing the door behind her. I guided us to my moms car and opened the door for her. “Thank you.” “No problem.” I closed the door and walked over to the drivers side. I quickly looked to my bedroom window and saw Nina and Nick looking at me. Giving me a thumbs up. I quickly got in and fastened my seatbelt. “So… are you hungry?” “Yes and you?” “Yeah.. I’m starving.”

We both arrived to our table. She was smiling at me. “Nate this is to much…” “why? You don’t like it? We can leave if you want?” She shook her head. “I didn’t mean it like that… Nate this is amazing but you don’t have to go all out for me.” I smiled at her. “But I want too…” she blushes and looks down at the menu. “What do you want?” She asked as she kept looking at me menu. “Uhh I don’t know yet.” I quickly looked down at the menu. ‘Oh shit maybe it is a bit expensive…’ I looked up as she was already looking at me. “The fries with burger looks good…” I looked back at the menu. It was the cheapest item on the menu. “You sure?” She nods. “Yeah I’m sure.” ‘She’s the one Nate!’ I nodded and placed the menu down. “Hello welcome, can I get your order please?” A young guy stood at our table. “Yes for us two times the fries and burgers.” “Excellent choice miss, and the drinks?” The asshole didn’t even looked at me. “Nate what do you want.” “A coke.” She nodded. “Two times please.” “Of course, I’ll be right back.” He grabbed the menus and walked away. “Stay back.” I mumbled. She giggles and I looked up. “You heard that?” “Yes.” She said with a smile on her face. “Sorry… I got a bit Uhh frustrated.” She reaches over and grabs my hand. “It’s okay, I don’t like him either, bit of a posh.” I laughed at her choice of words. “He definitely looks like one.” “I know.”

We had a lovely time together. “I’ll be right back.” She nods and I got up to pay for the bill. “Hey, I want to pay.” “Of course sir..” the guy gave me the bill. ‘Fuck it’s expensive here!’ I took my wallet and payed. “Thank you and have a lovely night sir.” “Thanks.” I walked to her. “You wanna go?” She nods and stands up. “Lead us the way sir.” She linked her arm with mine. “Of course miss.” We both laughed as we walked back to the car. “I really loved it, I hope it wasn’t to expensive tho.” “No it’s fine, the only thing what matters is that you liked it.” She hugs my arm. “I did, I hope you liked it too.” I opened the door for her. “I did.” She smiles and gets in the car. As I walked to the other side I heard some whistling. ‘Oh no not today.’ “Diaz is that you!” The guys who jumped me the other night walked over, blocking the exit. “Not today.” I quickly opened the door. “Babe grab my phone and call Nick, there is a small problem.” I give her my phone and closed the door and she calls Nick. “Listen, today is a bad day, just go home.” “Why because of your girl?” She saw them reaching over to the door handle and closed the car from the inside. She was talking to Nick. “Okay she’s smart, smarter than you Diaz.” I held my hands up. “Listen you already got me two nights ago, let’s forget and move on.” “No I don’t think so.”

Y/N POV

“Nick are you on your way, it’s getting bad.” “Yeah I’m on my way, stay where you are, don’t leave the car. He’s going to be fine..” I saw a guy hit Nate in his face. “I’m not stepping out the car Nick, there are 4 guys beating him..” I heard him mumbling some swearing words. “I’m here, where are you guys.” I saw a car approaching. “In front of you.” “Okay hang in there till we say so.” He hung up and the car doors went open. Nick got out with 2 others. “Hey!” Nick yells and jumps in the fight. The two others joined as well. Nate stands up, blood on his face. He starts to throw punches. At some point the 4 guys run away, bleeding. Nick looks at his brother checking his well being. I was scared, scared of what just happened, scared of my own trauma from the past. Nate walks over and knocks on the window. “It’s okay, can you open the door?” I shook my head. I saw his face fall. “They are gone, open the door please..” I shook again my head. He closed his eyes and leaned against the door. Nick walked over to my side of the door. “Y/N, are you okay.” Nick had a cut on his cheek. I nodded. “Nate give her a minute, she’s just in shock.” Nate walked away from the door. ‘Maybe she’s right, they are trouble..’ I looked up and saw nick smiling at me. “Can you maybe unlock the door…?” I hesitated but unlocked it. “Thank you.” They didn’t open the doors, just carefully watching me. My phone went off my brother is calling me. ‘Oh not now.’ I clicked him away. “Sorry, I’m okay.” I said, Nick nods. “I know, it’s okay. Can we open the door?” I nodded. Nate walked back to the car, carefully opening his side of the car. “Hey, can I?” “Yeah.” He smiles and sits down. “Are you okay?” “Yes, I wanna go home…” he nods. “Okay.” He whispered. “I’ll bring her back, I see ya later okay?” Nick nodded as Nate closed his door and started the car. We both didn’t say a word.

I was laying in my bed, all alone. A little bit afraid. ‘They didn’t stop beating him, and he just stands up and fights back like they didn’t just beaten the living hell out of him.’ I had my night lamp on. ‘To many memories where flowing through my mind when it happened.’ I was scared to close my eyes, afraid of seeing him, standing there angry, angry at me. Ready to attack me or my family any moment, trapped like a scared deer by his hunter. ‘Maybe she’s right, maybe I shouldn’t hang out with them, it’s better for my mental health..’ I starred the whole night to my bedroom door, afraid that he was there, ready to attack me….

[seasidepickup]

it’s october 24, 2020, i’m scheduling this to post in 2023, when i turn 20, see i don’t know if i’ll even be alive til then but if i am i think it’ll be nice to know i was thinking of me/you even now, how have the first few hours treated you so far? i hope it’s better than stupid i think you have a lot ahead of you and i really hope i’ll see this again someday, it’ll be a sign i think, anyway happy birthday

- (17 year old) Amal *****

checking in on july 31st, 2021

this year has been a little rough quite a few scandals but topped off by a girl i think i love so much that i can barely rmbr what the problems were abt not too long ago. it’s still hard ofc but we’re learning how to cope and deal w that ! you have a job now!!! i’m so proud that you did it, i think i’m gna leave it soon tho but that’s ok bc i’m trying to welcome change, maybe a little too much, things are looking up tho in the places i can control and ik it’s gonna get better from here so i’m excited for you. have u moved out future future amal? how are you and ***? it’s really good right now even tho we’re both struggling individually. havent said we love each other yet tho even tho i think we both do…. i hope all is well or that you’re taking it all well at least, hope to see you soon- (18 and 5 months old) Amal *****

March 15, 2022

I turned 19 not too long ago, and the birthday was good but so so lonely. i think that’s a problem within me, not based on who’s around me. Anyway, my first day of work at starbucks is tomorrow and i’m really excited, it’s gonna be pushing me, given that most of my shifts are hella early but ik it’s gonna be good for me and i have a feeling i’m gonna be there for a long time. I’m still in a relationship but i’ve been struggling mentally for awhile (nothing new) I hope i can figure something out soon, it’s different being depressed when you’re with someone, cuz it’s not just you who’s effected and u can really see how you’re feeling reflected back in how you treat people and how hard the simplest things turn out to be. I just want to be better and ik there’s layers to all this but i don’t want to be like this with her. I grew a lot last year, i’ll miss being 18 it was a really good time and i changed in ways i never thought i needed. But i also have a really good feeling about this year. I’m trying to be more practical, i’m also realizing how much i care abt my family and the traditional things that i can’t have with my untraditional identity, and that’s a doozy (ew lmao). I’m just trying to keep up, it’s hardest to keep up with myself tho. See you soon xx

May 28, 2023

I’ve been procrastinating this post, i haven’t really known what to say because so much has happened, and there’s so much that i don’t want to think about from the last few months. it’s a bit overwhelming, all the change. i’m an actual adult now, i have an internship, i’m in college, i’ve moved on from my last relationship and i’ve learned who i am outside of it. it’s bittersweet. letting that person go, and who i was with them, but it’s good. i needed all of that and i would never change it. i’m handing things better, but it’s scary of course. i’m in a place i never thought i would be when i started this thread. i have so much drive and passion again, self-respect and love too. i have plans but i’m learning that my mom was right, you can plan and plan but the universe (or god lol) might have something else in store for you, i’m welcoming all of that, albeit begrudgingly. but yea. i liked being a kid, i’m reverting to the things that brought me simple joy, like accessories and silly pens, my family and best friend, crushes, etc. i’m letting myself enjoy all the things i denied for so long. i’m learning no matter how much you have to say, sometimes you’re the only person who needs to hear it, take that as you will. but anyway, being 20… i didn’t think i’d live this long a few years ago, but i’m here now, i know i would be proud had i known where id end up. and deep down that 17/18/19 year old me is coming out to let me know that. in the little things that i do, in the ways i’ve surpassed myself and grown, they know what im doing, and what’s ahead of me, and how much better it’s gotten. i hope it’s only up from here. but i do know that the highs and lows are ok too, you can’t have highs without having lows and whatnot. i have a lot of healing and growing ahead of me, and i welcome that, because it’s got me this far, i have hope, faith, and trust in myself and the future, something that i didn’t allow myself to indulge in for so long, i hope more surprises are in my future, i know that the plans and beliefs d set in stone a few years ago are ever changing, and that’s ok, it’s not a betrayal to my old self. it’s just me looking out for me. and being mature enough to learn and understand my growth includes something different than what i wanted or believed when i was 17

- Amal :)

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

[taromilksnake]

9:05pm slowly finding some sense

in terms of my work life balance

prioritize feeling relaxed, and be more selfish. don’t self-report

focus on feelings of ownership on teaching (decision making), and don’t worry about efficacy. ie fuck around to find out (now is your exploratory phase)

talking to mom really helped with the work anxiety, and talking to anthony helped with the sense of loneliness and self-isolation. still feel a little weird about it, but i’ll rely on him more as “therapy” and trust him to speak up if i’m going too far. he’s been nothing but kind and receptive and maybe it’s better i run the risk of having him speak up, rather than keep thinking or feeling like i’m no good because i’m not in therapy. his answer is kinda unsettling (that it’s ok *for now* that i’m not in therapy), but i can appreciate that he’s not giving a blanket reassurance. and we’ve made more than a handful of references that we’re in it for the long haul, so there’s no rush, and we have time. let me engrave it and pound it into my heart that i don’t have to perfect for him to want me. how did he put it, there no pressure to go to therapy for his sake. that’s almost verbatim, so let me hold onto that.

let me take a crack of being back in the classroom tomorrow (even tho i’m still sick, but i think the trade off is better than the anxiety), and i’ll just see how it goes. treat it like data collection. honestly my advice above is basically, turn a blind eye to your shortcomings, because seeing them isn’t helping anyway. return to unconscious incompetence.

i will always, always love you no matter what. even knowing your heart. things are turning up, you just gotta be soup for a little while 🦋