#weird. very weird just going through mental hell and having ppl be like

[motheyes]

i’m not doing anything dumb btw. i’m literally laying in bed in the dark. i’m getting sleepy i just feel delusional

[hoodienanami]

ok so I watched Pistol like a month ago and I've been obsessed about the Sex Pistols ever since and I even read a couple of books on the band and I honestly feel so sad about them. Like It's weird how social media just made up a discourse about them and they don't even care how there were so young and exploited. I'm not justifying what John became and all the stuff Sid did, but Malcolm really exploited boys that already had issues and used them.

i understand how you feel anon. i feel the same way

the older i get, the younger the Sex Pistols seem. Steve, the oldest member of the band, was 23 when they broke up in 1978. the Pistols started gigging around in 1975. they were kids and they spent some of the most formative years of their lives (age 19-24 are the years of transition from teenagehood to adulthood and therefore very crucial in a person's development) being seen as public enemy number one by a majority of the ppl in britain, the insane tabloid press that slandered them non-stop, and the government of england that straight up considered trying them for treason. btw in the 70s you could be given the death penalty if you were found guilty of treason in england

Johnny and Paul were both nearly murdered in 1977. Paul wasnt even old enough to drink in america when random ppl twice his age decided that he deserved to die for having an opinion on the monarchy that wasnt positive. they beat him with an iron rod and left him in the street. Johnny has permanent nerve damage due to being stabbed through the hand and all of his friends at the time report him becoming so traumatized by this incident that he would run in terror if he thought someone was following him or looking at him weirdly

ppl will tell you that the Sex Pistols were violent, malicious ppl. theyre dead fucking wrong. the Sex Pistols were normal kids who just wanted to play music for other kids like them. they (aside from Sid) were never violent unless they were defending themselves or friends. 99% of the violence that surrounded the band was directed AT them

Johnny, Steve, and Sid had incredibly difficult childhoods and have very obvious mental health issues (Steve is pretty open about his struggles with mental health. the other two arent bc one of them committed suicide and the other would likely rather die then go to a psychiatrist). they were thrown from the fires of child abuse, homelessness, drug abuse, and poverty into the hell that is being the media's favorite punching bags and the designated 'acceptable targets' of an entire nation

to me the Sex Pistols were the most punk out of all of the first generation British bands. bc whats more punk then a band started by an abuse survivor who stole all of his musical equipment and taught himself how to play? whats more punk then having the government of your country against you and refusing to back down? whats more punk then fighting tooth and nail for your right to say what you want even when they try to censor you time and time again? whats more punk then refusing to change who you are and what type of songs you play even when ppl want you dead for it? whats more punk then throwing a christmas party with toys and cake for the kids of striking firemen?

the image of the Sex Pistols as cartoon villains for some other more virtuous band to 'defeat' is not only completely false but its also pathetic. they were normal kids who didnt want to be famous or to be seen as the figureheads of a revolution. they wanted to play music, have fun, and shake things up so that the world would be more interesting for bored kids like them

[magnoliamyrrh]

You don’t have to answer if too invasive but how did you find out your father did what he did? I’d think a toddler would be too young to remember

naw its ok. maybe itll be of some use to someone lol. so uh. yea. rly wasnt easy to figure this shit out or to accept it + going through all that weird normalized balkan shit rly made it a lot harder to figure out what the hell was what. as i said in that other post a whole bunch of symptoms made me v unsettled and suspicious of things since i was idk in my early teens, like, ive had utis and bad vaginal and anal pain since forever/ive been hypersexual to the point of feeling like a crazed bitch in heat. since forever. or very sex repulsed/sadomasochism otherwise v fucked up trauma kinks/nightmares/ general anxiety around physical and sexual intimacy/actually mortifying fear of the dark when i was younger, like, abnormal level/weird fucking triggers - like im still freaked out by cameras to this day, i always feel like im being watched especially when theres a camera somewhere, and i used to have v nasty reactions to ppl wanting to take photos of me when i was younger/weird feeling that all i was good for was to b little more than a sex slave for men - despite being a lesbian and having no interest in males/weird relationship w money/intense dissociation/utter disgust and fear around men etc etc etc technically. most of these could just b the result of the other stuff. technically kinda. except in my case it was to such an extent that tbh it uh wouldnt fully explain it frankly, not from what i remember which is most of it

on one hand yes most ppl tend to not remember their early childhoods much.but ehhhhh. many nontraumatized ppl do actually remember a lot. and some of us who are traumatized do. predators often target rly young kids bc they think they wont remember but its not rly a guarantee. i. have cptsd. and osdd/did lol so, uh, brain and grasp on memory and time rly isnt normal. before i feel down a trauma spiral and my psyche cracked once and for all, there were whole chunks of my childhood i couldnt rly remember. i still have a lot of gaps. a lot of it is still blurry and a lot of it i still dont remember... hell, shit feels blurry plenty of times in day to day life.. having a fractured psyche comes w sometimes not remembering much of anything and feeling rly detached from the trauma (and.. reality), and other times feeling like youre drowning in it

uhm, when i first started getting more memories back or flashbacks or my dissociating got worse at around 17/18 it was rly scary and confusing....i was back in romania and something must have triggered me bad idk. and i tried to just go back to repressing all of it but it didnt rly work, not that time. it was such a sickening and deeply unsettling feeling, i felt as if some dam in my mind had finally cracked and i was drowning in insanity. as time went by more of them came and some stuff was harder to deny. i also.. idk. a sick curiosity got the better of me and i went poking around in my brain in the places i perhaps shouldn't have - a bit later on at 18-19 when i started doing psychedelics, and that also rly just.. opened up my brain more idk and connected parts of it which werent connected before. which was partially horrifying and partially, im very thankful for

but uhm. it was many things that i started to put together little by little. the whole thing ended up coinciding w having to admit that i do actually have osdd/did which was.. hard. you dont end up with that severe sort of dissociative disorder and mental fragmentation without a.. certain level of repeated early childhood trauma. and despite all the plenty of other shit i went through, the stuff i knew of didnt ... fully explain it.. uhm. theres a part of me, alter, who vhemently hates my father. like a rabid dog, worse actually bc she leans into just sadistic want to see and feel him suffer actually. dont blame her. and just... at best severly distrust and dislikes men, in general. i think that was one hint lmao and uh.. she remembers more than i tend to about things anyway. others trauma holders and a persecutor alter remember more than i do too, and i dont envy them. some of them have always had a particular fixation on the being prostituted thing which i never rly understood or could put together from just the "regular" family stuff before.. getting to have more of a relationship and communication and understanding w them and breaking down some of the mental barriers and dissociating between us helped... v much still an ongoing process

and uh, i age regress pretty hard, or i have alters younger than this body is, or both frankly. generally agreed upon that the age(s) of said alters is the age(s) at which some trauma happened.. uhm, its actually kind of a whole other fucking nightmare to deal with but i guess u learn to live w it over time and try to make the best of it... uhm. so. because of that theres actually parts of my childhood which id say i remember better than most ppl, bc its like theres an open wound in my psyche back to those times.... sometimes i feel a lot more connected to that time frankly than the current time here. the earliest my memory stretches back is around 2 yrs old, and i remember plenty of scattered things from later on. some of it is trauma stuff, some of it is not..... i try to make the best out of the stuff which isnt. though it does actually rly fucking suck and make you feel insane to have some of ur earliest memories be. sexual stuff... and to know that shit was happening before you could ever remember.... uhm. a lot of the more severe sexual trauma kinda is like this other trauma during that time. when i was 2 i was bitten by a dog and had my hand ripped open - it rly was my fault, i was bothering the stray... i dont remember being bitten, nor the stitching up and rabies shots. but i have the scar on my hand to prove it, and i remember the moments before i was bitten, i remember the dog...... hm. i remember when i was two, i had spend some weeks or so down south with my father and his family. i have my suspicions of what happened but when i got back from them, i had such a mortifying fear of.... something. the dark. being alone. males. something, idk, something, all of it, that id get so scared and so freaked out that id just lose it, feeling such a severe level of terror that id just vomit bc i dont think my body could handle any of it. that i do remember, not pleasant nor particularly normal... for the most part the first memories and sensations and flashes i started getting back werent of the worst or most violent shit... uhm and those already made me suspicious even when they were more blurry and i couldnt remember much, and over time i just started putting two and two together and getting more of a sense of why i have/had certain triggers and nightmares and reactions and such..... a lot of times it feels like having to play detective for your own damn life. i still dont remember a lot of the worst shit. but by now i remember... enough. i remember enough, as hazy and fragmented as it may be at times, i remember much more than i ever fucking wanted to, enough that its undeniable... uhm. and also. that shit didnt end when i was a toddler, rather started then or.. god knows when it fucking started... but i dont really know how old i was when it ended. i left the country when i was 10, that i do know. its all still too fragmented for me to have any sense of, but, i do know it went on till i was older too, bc i remember some of that stuff as well

[countessacee]

I am so sorry c!pumpkinduo enjoyers but I have to get something off of my chest a lil.

Please I beg of you stop interpreting c!pumpkinduo (in manburg OR in Las Nevadas lore) as a healthy, loving dynamic. It’s like the biggest misinterpretation of a character dynamic I have seen in my whole life which has got to be an achievement. There were obviously silly and funny scenes between them, ones that made their relationship look like a good one and thats exactly the point. Toxic relationships are not a constant and unwavering hurt.

[more in Read More, this is gonna be a long one]

First reason, watch any Quackity manburg vod ever and pay attention to the semi-lore bits it is literally so obvious that for one, Schlatt did not love him back. Two, He did not respect Q, and three, anytime that was brought up it turned into threats. Anyone remember that one time Q stated c!Schlatt did not respect him and he just threatened to lobotomize Q so that he couldn’t think like that for himself? Because I sure do. It directly lead to c!Q canonically having a plan to impeach/execute him.

It was never carried through, honestly, but it’s the thought that counts. Suppose the good moments and bits of attention he got out of basically begging not to be made fun of for like two minutes worked out. Admittedly a lot of the making fun of was just them being silly, Schlatt telling him to go to the gym, calling him flatty patty and Q crying that one time but tears are tears ☠️

You guys forget the way that the two characters ended up. CQ brought up SERIOUSLY that he was tired of being disrespected and cast aside as an equal member of Manburg, and of being constantly mistreated, and Schlatt literally started to fight him. Like. Their marriage ended in a physical battle in which Q pulled out a crossbow to get him away and Schlatt taunted him for being a coward. Their marriage ended in cQuackity shooting him to death, and directly after he went to Pogtopia with hopes of actively working against him.

Though the biggest application to cPumpkinduo being blatantly toxic is the first Las Nevadas lore stream. The entire first section of it actually, which I was rewatching and gathering quotes from.

CQuackity explicitly stated several times that just the thought of being around cSchlatt makes him uncomfortable, and that he gets flashbacks/terrible memories when he’s with him. I genuinely do not know where people got the implications through any of his lore that this was a happy and loving relationship but it sure as hell wasn’t here. Cant be just me who hates ppl trying to take a canon abusive relationship and portray it as loving. Its like taking cdiscduo and being like omg best friends!! (But to what feels like a lesser extent)

Of course it wasn’t abuse to the extent that it was with cdiscduo or very typical violence you see in media, but it was still mentally abusive, and eventually they still got physical. (I could also talk ab how freaky it is for ppl to depict their relationship as s3xua11y abusive but thats for another time. Its annoyingly common.)

Another thing I notice people tend to do is, for some reason, say that c!sweaterduo is a better enemies to lovers dynamic or even ship Revived cSchlatt/Wilbur/Q, which if you think about for more than three fucking seconds youll see how weird that is. CSweaterduo legit just fucking despise each other not in the homoerotic, enemies yo lovers way, they just genuinely want each other to die. I promise making them get together at some point whether it be the elections or after revival is not the move you think it is. CPumpkinduo was a canonically abusive relationship, and adding cWilbur to the mix? Yeah, no. No thanks.

I can see cTntduo, but the complete mischaracterization of cSchlatt as a whole is just… Weird! Sorry, it’s weird. Making an abusive character loving and filled with guilt over his actions when that has never been canonically displayed (quite the opposite in fact) just to ship your favs is strange. Especially on the coumpkinduo end where cQ openly expressed that cSchlatt made him uncomfortable and upset just to think about because of the impression he left.

Anyways thats the end of my rant I hope you enjoyed.

[jackrussle]

Beach boys ranking, for myself

Can't talk about. Might be the best album ever made, I** believe it is but I'm trying not to be blinded by bias. But I mean...

Transcendental, unapproached, listening to it is peeking into something that couldn't have been else the world would have ended idk, sometimes it feels like that.

So ahead of its time that ppl still don't fuck with it. Imo its singular, no imitations bc people wouldn't know what the hell they're imitating. I think after pet sounds, not including smile session (released in 2011), its their best. 2 of the best pop songs ever made among tracks like "wind chimes" and "little pad" and "fall breaks and back to winter". So much psychedelic music of the 60s has a grandiosity, the supposed ego death is very huge and important, but smiley smile is as relevant to the present as it was to the past bc it has none of that twining, muzzy, philosophizing psychedelia of cream or jimi hendrix (luv all that, not devaluing it). smiley smile is hanging out, getting high, giggling, getting scared, and then experiencing a huge but sparing moment of revelation and creativity. It's not "getting at" something real about acid and getting stoned, it's already there. The beach boys stripped themselves, intentionally or not, of fame, what sounds good, what sounds acceptable, whats cool, whats not, whats success, whats failure, saying something or saying nothing. whispering, repetitious, thoughtfulness turning into silliness turning into fear turning into marvel, articulate and then making no sense at all.

The sweetest possible follow up to smiley smiles acidic cackling, so easy to listen to. Hugely irrelevant to anything happening in mainstream 1968 music. Another example imo of the 60s failing itself, leaving something as nice and understanding as this dead in the water. Another lofi grand dad like smiley smile, something that in retrospect makes it sound rly hip 🏄‍♂️❤️

Tied with friends right now...the "it's so over" album of all time. Already posted about it. 2 of my fav songs ever on it, "til I die" and "surfs up", easy argument that surfs Up is top 10 songs everrrrr

It's controversial of me to like this as much as I do, I just love the "mental hospital band at the talent show" vibe. Carl's vocals are insane, it's approach to r&b is off putting, it's a crazy feeling album while not being crazy at all, in fact its a bit dull and weird. But it's not distasteful or bad, which the boys are very capable of being. It's a fun oddball album that I love, subjectively 😭 the boys are fussing around and having an easy time with it, it reminds me of Daniel Johnson or r Stevie Moore. If it was recorded on a cassette bedroom pop heads would go crazy for it

It can do no wrong 🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🏝🏖🏝🏖🏝🏖🌞🌞🥥🥥🥥🥥🍋‍🟩🥥🥥🍋‍🟩🥥🍋‍🟩

I haven't lived with this album like I have the ones I've ranked above it, there's some tracks I'm bored by. Im thinking 'what this is doing? I know it's being done better elsewhere, " but the Fandom swears by sunflower so I'm going to be patient with it. Some all timers tho, "forever" "all I wanna do" and "dierdra" all eerily contemporary

Haven't listened to this all the way through more than once but what I've heard is complete madness and I know ill love it

Definitely the worst beach boys album I've listened to several times and tried to love. It has a sinister, anxious energy, the effort they made to recreate their old sound is vacuous and lethargic, not respectable. I like the track "I went to sleep" and "time to get alone" and ofc I love "our prayer" and "cabin essence" but the Manson song is on this 1 and it's immediately followed by "our prayer". Depressing.

[caffeinelemur]

Hey guys I finally watched Helluva Boss and needed to add Stolas and Blitzø are also autistic as fuck. We’ve got an autism4autism disaster relationship and I’m here for it these fuckers have no clue how to deal with anything at all holy shit. Their main problem isn’t that they’re autistic, obviously, like they’ve got a Lot going on, but that makes their problems even worse bc these fuckers cannot communicate for shit.

Blitzø is like also dyslexic as hell and thought he figured out sarcasm once and was like this is my language now and he still can’t use it right or figure out when other people use it. He immediately thinks everything is an insult bc he’s used to not understanding what people are saying to/about him, but he lived a lot of life knowing people don’t say good things about him generally, so he’s like that must be an insult. He has zero volume control. He uses curses as neutral words and vitriol. He has a special interest of horses and took it to its maximum setting. He’s oblivious as fuck until he’s not then he’s like let’s go out of my way to be weird. Boy has PTSD and hates himself and the combo with autism makes him come off like shit, like he’s gaslighting himself all the time and then it fucks up how he treats people. The if ppl are saying bad shitty things about me bc my brain sucks fuck it I’ll just be bad and weird on purpose mentality. He’s got that trying so hard never gets it right but to everyone it doesn’t look like trying it looks like being an asshole which sucks bc sometimes you’re also being an asshole and ppl can’t tell it apart autism. Baby I see you I don’t care that you act like a bitch everything I see you do I’m like that tracks I understand you.

Stolas is the pinnacle of airhead autism I swear this twink has lived alone/in his own head his whole life. He was raised by books and, like, his palace staff, boy had no chance. He didn’t have a opportunity to learn how to interact with people in any normal healthy way so he is very I guess this must be how parents/friendship/marriage works vibes. The most going-with-the-flow-the-other-person-sets kind of autistic. He loves words! And his plants! And walks around his house in the most sensory vibing open ass robe like you can be slutty and also autism sensory seeking I vibe with that thanks king. He’s also fucking depressed as hell and as soon as he was given a fun thing to latch onto on a set schedule he went fucking apeshit. His live is unraveling and he’s eating cereal and watching telle-novellas.

They found each other and are making each other worse and making each other better and god they’re fucked up individually and I love watching them go through things and like sort their shit out but also during this turbulent time I see Stolas fuckin stim clap and hoot bc he gets to read something and Blitzø with his horse doodles everywhere and I’m like I love them. *Points at screen* Autism.

This isn’t in depth or everything I’m just getting this out there with my OG getting things out there post. Instead of being able to clarify better later like I said in the tags I got hyperfixated on Helluva Boss sorry guys. At some point I’ll actually sit down and cohesively write a full explanation using more brain cells and my actual education.

Alastor and Lucifer are both autistic but in different flavors.

Lucifer is depressed disassociating hyperfixation can barely focus on this conversation time has no meaning sensory seeking autistic.

Alastor is I’m making facial expressions my new thesis statement so nobody says anything ever again I will act a very specific way routines I do not like change don’t touch me unless I say you can autistic.

Lucifer has made apples and ducks his entire personality. Alastor has made radio and smiling his entire personality.

I’m doing my best but failing visibly and I’m in a downward spiral bc of it autism VS I don’t know what’s going on or how to actually act around other people so I’ve made it my mission to be prepared for all social situations yet clearly can’t see how over the top I’m acting in an attempt to mask autism.

Lucifer cannot hold a conversation to save his life, and says things too honestly, at the wrong time, and uses phrases wrong. Alastor, being a talkative character who was a radio host, is actually either scripting, or using actual radio static/channel tuning sounds or music to emote and further the conversation along without having to actually speak half the time, and when not using gentlemanly scripting is otherwise blunt and rude.

They’re both barely hanging on for different reasons and my autistic ass is just like pointing at the screen, like there’s so many other reasons they’re messes, obviously, but ALSO the autism!

[aetheve]

hello! I came from your Icarus dorm assignments, can I get sorted into one?

favorite character: I like them all but Floyd is my number one <3

favorite teacher: Mozus trein, I like his cat

zodiac: Virgo sun, Sagittarius rising, Cancer moon

rice purity score: idk

thing appealing about me: I like to think I'm pretty ❤️

book smarts or street smarts: is neither a option??? but I guess street smarts

dry texter or not: dry texter, I've been told that too many times 😭

introvert or extrovert: introvert

cats or dogs: CATS!!!!! I like some dogs doe just some

favorite song: none but my latest obsession is Honeymoon Un Deux Trois cover by dongdang

lead or follow: follow

─ I like story based games and otome games! I hate and despise horror and gore. I only have a small group of friends, and a casual relationship with everyone else. I never did dislike someone or had a crush on someone before. My friends had said I was kinda insensitive and too indifferent about some things. They did say I'm nice to hangout and talk with doe, only if I made effort to make friends.

─ making and keeping relationships is hard for me especially if I don't see them everyday like school or smth. I would feel lazy to text them or anything, just not making any effort to start or continue anything. ofc I'd say hi and stuff if I see them but nothing beyond school unless I know them for very long alr. I rarely trust people wholely, just some small doubts here and there, I never act it out doe. I love gossip and drama lol, hate it when I'm involved doe but they're entertaining.

─ I don't rrly know how to react to insults, I just say okay and go. I say thanks for compliments or I know for close friends and family. I've been called dumb so many times I don't even care anymore 😭 I haven't failed any of my subjects except for maths, as long I graduate and don't get hold back everything is good. I'm mentally and physically weak.... and lazy and easily unmotivated. I've been told I look scary doe, ppl. socially awkward, I'm super forgetful, straightforward. I tend to be more honest, I'd feel bad for lying 😰 (sometimes) I have a good poker face so many tend to think I'm saying the truth when I'm just messing with them lol.

─ I like humour and laughing, that sounded kinda weird. I like people with humour, I laugh easily too. I hate exercising and I'm bad with technology which is kinda funny cause i don't think I can survive without any entertainment honestly and also bc they say I'm addicted to my phone sometimes 💀

is this enough??? hopefully I didn't miss anything, sorry if it's too much, thank you if you took up my ask! ❤️❤️ stay safe and hope you have a nice day or whatever timezone you're at

—- 🐉 WELCOME TO DIASOMNIA! a dorm based on the thorn fairy's spirit of nobility. twisted from sleeping beauty.

malleus enjoys going on walks with you, very specific i know. you don't actually have to be talking to each other he just enjoys your vibez yk? you're his go to person when he needs to complain about the inaccuracy of magic class. if someone insults you, you'll both stand there with blank expressions before you look at one another wondering 'what now?'

sebek admires you, not as much as malleus though. you'll be his living diary. late at night you'd listen to him talk about his day and then he'll just fall asleep on your shoulder. i'd suggest listening to him in his room so you can just leave him to sleep when he passes out.

lilia love scaring you. you could be trying to sleep when he appears in your slightly opened closet looking like mf annabelle. it doesn't matter the time, he will go through hell and back if it means frightening you trust me. at some point, he deleted all your apps causing you to faint because your progress?! gone?! however if someone insults you he will roast their ass dwdw.

silver often naps, head resting on your lap, while you play on your phone. no words are spoken, you two just enjoy the presence of the other and that is all there is to it.

your close friend out of your dorm is idia. you two met online and you recklessly told him you attended the nrc and the rest is history. you're over there during school hours so you can study together without going to class and play games until school hours end because you have to go pick up your 'kids.'

"child of man, what's the matter?" malleus burst through your door, light from the outside flooding your room. your shaking hand pointed towards your closet, there you saw two red dot thingies that resembled eyes.

"uhh, malleus is everything alright?" sebek inquired, popping out from behind the housewarden. he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he watched malleus open your closet curiously. "huh.. who would've guessed yn'd be the type to have a life size lilia plushie.."

"this isn't a 'plushie'" malleus sighed, picking up the thing by its head. "it's lilia." a 'boo!' accompanied malleus' statement from the smaller fae.

"ha! you looked so scared–"

"we'll be going now."

bonus:

it took a while to calm your racing heart, you couldn't make yourself move as you eavesdropped on the not so quiet conversation outside,

"that wasn't funny, quit your giggling, malleus scolded.

"yeah, lilia, you should apologize–" sebak chimed in, slowly realizing his mistake weh nthe fae disappeared.

"sorry!" lilia reappeared above you, upside down for a minute to see your reaction before disappearing for the night.

"...in the morning." sebek added at the sound of your scream.

"done!" you giggled, turning your phone screen to your blue haired friend. "got luke's ending before you did, woo!" you collapsed on his bed with a sigh of relief at the released tension."

"eh? but that's impossible!" he stood examining your phone.

"but it isn't." you looked at him, amused by his distress. "i'm tired.." you mumbled, rolling onto your side.

"uh – uhm, sleep i have to figure out how on earth you beat me at this, it – it just isn't adding up?" he went back to typing away on his computer like a man on a mission, "i'll wake you up when it's time. unless you cheated…"

[bigskydreaming]

Sorry to bother you, but RE: the Jason Todd in Arkham thing, like, what was Dick supposed to do? Take him home to the same house where two of the KIDS that Jason had threatened/attacked were supposed to be living in what one hoped would be relative safety?

Like, full offence, Jason had at that point proven himself a danger to all the people around him. If he wound up at Arkham, oh well, maybe don’t kill a whole bunch of ppl and harm numerous others. If Arkham doesn’t work as a hospital, maybe he should have been at another one, but at that point in his character arc, a secure mental health facility was probably the best he could expect.

It’s like ppl forget he’s a multiple murderer with a history of targeting the ppl Dick loves. I don’t even read the comics and I know this much.

Oh for sure, I mean, I've posted meta about this before because the fandom accepted narrative gets it sooooooo wrong. Like, I'll always be right at the front of the line yelling IT WAS JASON'S CHARACTERIZATION THAT WAS CRAP THROUGH ALL THAT, THAT'S NOT JASON, GIMME NUANCE OR GIMME DEATH. Y'know, something like that.

But like, given that Jason was written as repeatedly trying to kill Dick's other two brothers its like, yeah?! What was Dick supposed to do? He'd tried asking Jason nicely hey could you stop doing that and Jason was like LOL no.

And also....people are like - Dick callously threw Jason into Arkham right next to the Joker and then just left him there and forgot about him and....SOURCE?

1) Dick didn't DO this to Jason, JASON went after Dick and Damian and in the process of fighting him in a very public space, Dick beat Jason and police were already like....right there? Dick didn't actually have the option of being uh no, you can't take this known and notorious criminal into custody, I'll stop you on the basis of - well I can't tell you actually but plz just trust me okay, he totes didn't mean it! (except like also, at that point he totes did, so.....)

2) What pull Dick DID have as Batman with the GCPD, he used to get Jason put into Arkham INSTEAD of Blackgate for his SAFETY. We know this to be true. Jason himself confirmed that absolutely nothing bad happened to him in Arkham, he just didn't want to be there but WHO THE HELL EVER WANTS TO BE IN A PRISON OF ANY SORT? And the first thing Dick said when Bruce said Jason had demanded to be transferred to Blackgate is that Jason wouldn't be safe there with all the enemies he had gunning for him. It was abundantly clear that Jason's safety had been a primary concern for Dick the whole time (and Jason wasn't safe at Blackgate, its just fine, he only wanted to be transferred in order to enact an escape plan that got like 80 people indiscriminately killed but whatevs. Its Gotham, what's a few dozen more dead criminals am I right? *rolls eyes at how often that little detail gets left out of the narrative).

3) Dick consistently put time, focus and Wayne Enterprises money into Arkham Asylum while he was Batman, since Arkham was being rebuilt from the ground up after it was blown up in Battle for the Cowl. Also, Dick had been one of the last 'patients' in the old Arkham, given that he went undercover to infiltrate the Black Glove while they were in control of Arkham and spent a week in there drugged to the gills, locked up and in a straitjacket before being almost lobotomized. He has every grievance with Arkham that fan writers like to PRETEND Jason has from his stay there, but Jason's only complaint was that he again, was bored, and he had to take psych evals every other week because it was after all, still a mental health institution. Dick did everything in his power at the time to make sure that even if Jason did have to be locked up to keep him from going after more people, like, it was going to be as humane as possible and the stuff that Dick himself had JUST experienced in the old Arkham WOULDN'T happen to Jason.

4) The Joker was literally nowhere near Arkham THE ENTIRE TIME. This is not a small detail, given that 'the Joker was just five cells down' is the entire basis of most writers' Jason-in-Arkham angst and the anti-Dick sentiments they tend to create. All the major Rogues escaped from the old Arkham in Battle for the Cowl BEFORE it blew up. That's why they're not DEAD. Dick's run as Batman was primarily about fighting the escapees. And Joker, very significantly, was clearly among those Rogues not present in Arkham during Dick's Batman run, given he was literally toying with Dick and Damian through most of it. Seriously, how much do people have to hate Dick and think the worst of him to think that he - the dude who btw, BEAT THE JOKER TO DEATH WITH HIS BARE HANDS FOR MAKING JOKES ABOUT KILLING JASON - would just....obliviously lock Jason up right next to the Joker and throw away the key?

Like...and it goes on and on, lol. I remember the first time I brought all this up in an argument with some Jason stans, they literally started laughing back and forth to each other in the replies about how someone was a bit too carried away with their own fanon, and its like...LMAO! Yes! Someone is! Its YOU! You are the people you guys are talking about, looooool, I can literally back all this up with sourced panels.

Buuuuuuut, c'est la vie.

I mean, this is nothing new for us, its literally Teen Wolf fandom alllll over again. Probably why I just said nope, not doing this again awhile back and was like umm actually I will NOT just be ignoring the blatant false narratives thrown around here just so that people happy with the fanon narratives that prioritize the characters they like and sling shit at the characters they don't can have their fandom just the way they want it at the expense of everyone else in it. You wanna push bad faith interpretations of specific characters at every literal opportunity, its like, that's cool! I got the drive! I can push back with actual facts, its all good!

But the most hilarious thing to me will always be how fucking INDIGNANT people get about that, like "How dare you point out the precedent we established in not caring about any fandom experience other than our own and thus being loud and everpresent with our preferred interpretations in an attempt to drown out any other possible interpretation just so that the most people possible would be influenced by us instead of anything else, and we'd get more of the content we like at the expense of any possible nuance whatsoever."

Like, the most common complaint I get is people griping about how damn often I'm saying "mmmm, no, this isn't what happened actually" and "okay but have you considered flipping the script BACK from the way you flipped it initially in order to get this weird ass interpretation of a superhero noted for his emphasis on emotional caretaking of his loved ones actually being this callous oblivious selfish jerk who tramples all over the feelings of everyone around them and makes them just the woobiest woobies that ever did woobie all throughout Woobieland?"

And I'm just like, okay see, I hear you, its just the thing is, the THING IS......

If you didn't want that to be the topic of conversation so damn often, then hey, just a suggesh, but maybe you shouldn't have devoted literal years to coming up with the most bad faith interpretations of this character possible at literally every available opportunity. Maybe there'd be like.....less reason for the topic to come up so often, if like....you by your own actions hadn't made it a necessary topic to tackle so often?

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST SPIT-BALLING HERE, DON'T MIND ME AND MY CRAZY-ASS IDEAS OF FAIR PLAY.

[seraphinitegames]

ohh the matchup stuff looks fun 🥺 im not great at describing myself but !!

im a lesbian. i'm v much a "go with the flow" type person irt relationships , but if smn bugs me I'll bring it up. I don't mind changing my habits or adapting to someone else's if i like that person. I can be pretty "confrontational," which i honestly feel like is a nice way of saying mean lol, if something really really bugs me. So I tend to self isolate when I'm going thru a rough patch (either physically or mentally). I adore cuddling (platonic or romantic!), and when I'm not taking naps i usually just enjoy lazing around (when i can), esp in someone's arms. My music taste is...weird to say the least. I have a LOT of weird artists on my spotify and if u gave me a CD of static i would probably enjoy it. I really love like...visual storytelling? so movies, shows, and video games, but books intimidate the hell out of me (esp ones with big words LOL). Horror movies (and games!) are some of my favorites! Honestly I love anything scary, or anything that makes you think. (stories with rewatch/replay potential r my favorite. I love going back through and seeing stuff I missed) I'm also a HUGE airhead (i frequently get basic math problems wrong and I will use the wrong word in a sentence without realizing and keep trucking through the sentence. Or I'll just assume the person I'm talking to can get what I meant. Coherency is not my strong suit). Bc of this I can be very entertaining to be around, but I could also see this getting on ppl's nerves. i do hate being patronized to and this has definitely led ppl to do that. I'm easily over stimulated, particularly by sounds (a TV playing in another room drives me crazy) and I'm also very quick to panic if something in my control goes wrong / if i make a mistake. I'm also really awful in group settings if I don't know anyone (but I'm very good at hiding it). I feel like I just spent a lot of words roasting myself LOL, oh well! I hope thats enough (and coherent)! Have a great day and thank you ! ✌︎('ω'✌︎ )

I’m really feeling like Morgan would make a good match.

So much of how you described yourself matches with her, which leads to you both enjoying the same things. 

Definitely think that you’d make a great couple that could really bond over similarities!

Thank you so much for the ask! :)

[blushingreid]

First Date

Spencer x Fem!Reader

Part 1: Meet Cute

A/N: as requested by many of you beautiful ppl, I am blessing y’all with a part 2. I never planned to make a follow-up, so ya girl pulled this whole plot out her ass LMAO. I hope you all enjoy :) Pls give me feedback <3

The sun shined bright as Y/n’s shorter legs casually tried to keep up with Spencer as they walked towards the ice cream parlor. During the short walk, both would occasionally sneak glances at one another, admiring each other’s features glowing in the sunlight. Y/n stealing most of the glances, as Spencer was too nervous that he would get caught. She admired the way the curls on his hair bounced ever so slightly with each step he took. Y/n imagined his hair felt fluffier than a cloud and found herself yearning to run her fingers through it. 

Her thoughts were interrupted when she realized they had stopped walking. Spencer giving her a small smile as he held the door open and they entered the ice cream parlor. 

“Welcome to Rocky Roaders! What can I get you both?” 

“I’ll have a single scoop of uh Cocoa Monster Crunch,” Spencer said with a nervous chuckle before looking at y/n for her order. 

“Hmmm, I’ll have a single scoop of Swooperman. Interesting flavor names they got here,” y/n said with a giggle. 

“Cup or cone?” the server asked. 

“Cup,” both Spencer and y/n answered at the same time. Spencer felt his cheeks heat up seeing the server looking at them both with a smirk, before handing them their ice cream. 

“That’ll be $9.32,” the server said as Spencer dug into his messenger bag for his wallet. 

Before he could pull his wallet out, y/n had already paid the server. Seeing Spencer’s tiny frown, y/n patted his shoulder and smiled at him. “Don’t worry about it, you can repay the favor on our next date,” she promised as they headed outside to sit at one of the ice cream shop’s outdoor tables. Spencer smiled at y/n excited that there would be another date.  

“So Spencer, what else do you like to do besides walking and reading in the park?” 

“I like attending film festivals, conventions, and scientific lectures whenever I have time, though I usually don’t, given my profession.”

Spencer worried that he sounded boring. He realized that he didn’t really have much free time to have many hobbies. To his surprise, he saw y/n perk up when he mentioned film festivals. “I’ve never been to a film festival, but I’ve always wanted to go. Maybe you can take me to one sometime. I can imagine working at the hospital takes up most of your time though,” she replied, leaning closer.

“Oh I’m not that type of doctor, I just have 3 PhDs.”

Y/n found herself growing more curious about Spencer the more he spoke. She found herself lost in his hazel eyes as they twinkled while he explained that he has an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, and can read 20,000 words per minute. Spencer was definitely attractive to y/n, hell she’d definitely be dreaming about him, but knowing that he wasn’t just a pretty face really sealed the deal for her. 

“So Dr. Genius, if you aren’t a medical doctor, what do you do?”

“I’m actually an FBI agent,” Spencer replied before scooping the last of his ice cream into his mouth. Y/n watched in awe as he sucked on his spoon to savor the last of his treat. What she would give to be able to kiss him right then and there. Spencer had watched her jaw drop after hearing his job and was intrigued by another one of her many facial expressions.

“An FBI agent, huh. Never been on a date with anyone that cool before. Wait actually, there was a time I was on a blind date with a guy claiming to be in the CIA. He even told me about a ‘mission’ he went on. Turns out he’s a high school gym teacher and the so called ‘mission’ was the plot to Rush Hour,” y/n recalled as she scooped up the last of her now melted ice cream. It was now Spencer’s turn to gaze at y/n’s lips. “This might be a weird question but can I see your badge? I’ve always wanted to see what an FBI badge looks like in real life,” y/n said, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. 

Spencer made a mental note to ask Penelope about that movie, the next time he sees her, as he reached into his pocket to pull out his badge. “Usually the only time people ask to see my badge is when I’m in the field,” Spencer joked as he handed her his badge, mentally cursing himself for not updating his ID picture.

Spencer Reid, y/n read on the badge. She said his name a couple times in her head like she was burning his name into her brain. His name just flowed so well.  “Aw you look so young and cute in your picture, but also kind of like you’re getting your mugshot taken,” y/n joked as she inspected his badge. Spencer blushed at hearing himself be called cute. Trying to cover his blush, he looked down at his empty ice cream cup and scratched the back of his neck.

“Yeah that picture was taken 4 years, 3 months, and 12 days ago. I would like to think my appearance has changed for the better since then.”

Y/n reached into her wallet, pulled out her license, and slid it across the table to Spencer. “If it makes you feel better, I can’t take a good ID picture to save my life either.”

Spencer mentally called bullshit as he grabbed y/n’s license, he didn’t believe that she could ever look horrible. Y/n Y/l/n.  Once he looked as her license picture, Spencer couldn’t hold back his laugh. He could tell it was taken a couple years ago and whoever had taken her photo clearly didn’t center the camera well, adjust the lighting, or bother to tell y/n that she had a piece of hair sticking up. “I t-think you still look beautiful, it was the photographers fault for not being able to capture your beauty well,” Spencer said as he gazed into y/n’s eyes.

Y/n felt herself blush, she’d been complimented before but hearing it from Spencer made her stomach fill with butterflies. She felt like she was back in high school on her very first date. As both of them grew more comfortable with each other’s company, the conversation continued to flow. They had talked about everything from why the sky was blue to what they wanted to be when they were younger. Things were going so well that neither of them had realized it was already starting to get dark outside.

“Aw it’s getting late. As much as I’m enjoying your company, I should probably get back to my apartment,” y/n said standing up, a hint of sadness laced in her voice.

“Let me walk you back to your apartment.”

“No worries. I drove since I live a little ways away,” y/n said as they left the ice cream parlor.

Spencer couldn’t contain the slight frown from appearing on his face as he realized he wouldn’t be able to spend more time with her. Y/n, not wanting this date to end, laced her fingers with Spencer’s.

“You can however, walk me to my car.”

And so they did, continuing their random conversations hand-in-hand until they finally reached y/n’s car.

Spencer turned to face y/n, his nervousness building up. Y/n found herself stepping closer to Spencer, almost like he had a magnetic pull on her. With the street light’s glow illuminating them, Spencer was captured by her beauty once again, and found himself mentally burning an image of her in his mind.

“I-I um uh had a really nice time and I would like to see you um again sometime,...if you would like.”

Y/n moved closer to Spencer, leaving barely any space between them. Gazing into his eyes, she replied, “Nothing would make me happier than to see you again.”

Time seemed to stop as the two of them stared into each other’s eyes. Neither wanting to end their blissful date together. Spencer’s eyes flickered down to y/n’s lips, he knew it was now or never. Looking into her eyes, he saw a twinkle of affection in them and that was all the assurance he needed. With this new sudden surge in confidence, Spencer gently placed one of his hands on y/n’s cheek before leaning down and softly capturing her lips with his own. He was hesitating, not wanting to go too far with their first kiss. Sensing his hesitation, y/n wrapped her arms around Spencer’s neck and deepened the kiss. Spencer unconsciously wrapped his other arm around her waist, wanting her to be even closer.

When they finally broke apart for air, Spencer’s arms didn’t leave her. As he gazed at her, he couldn’t wait for their next encounter.

“See, I told you I'd kiss you after the first date.”

[crimeronan]

2020 in review

it’s been a weird year for me.

by all accounts, it Should be a bad year.  

lots of bad things happened to me this year.  i found places i adore in my new town - a certain cozy chair in the library, a corner table at a 24 hour coffee shop, a park bench in direct sunlight for most of the day - just in time to lose them all.  i started pursuing health answers in january, only for all the hospitals to close on my birthday, rendering answers impossible to find.

i waited months for the hospitals to open again, from home, unable to pursue any of the nightlife or queer meetups or community theater i’d vowed to get involved in.  eventually i found out i have scoliosis and a serious vitamin D deficiency.  i hoped to get better by treating these things.  instead the health problems continued, worsened.  i slept through most of may and november, i had intermittent weeks where i’d sleep for 20+ hours a day and be in too much pain to get out of bed upon waking.  i missed rent a few times.  borrowed money too many times.  relied on my loved ones way more than i’ve ever been comfortable with. (it’s the adam parrish ass in me.)

i developed a painful deformity in my leg.  spent stupid amounts of time in urgent care and the ER.  thought it was a dislocation due to connective tissue issues, but my x-rays came back clean.  so did an ultrasound for blood clots.  my doctor referred me to a dermatologist, who did a biopsy.  not super pleasant considering i faint when punctured with needles, but i’d already had my blood drawn and IVs stuck in me, so whatever.  found out i have an autoimmune disorder.  went from the most-perceived-as-able-bodied person in my house to the one most likely to get killed by the pandemic in the span of a single phone call.  might have a shortened lifespan, might not.  don’t know yet.  probably will know by the end of the year.

so it should be a bad year.  none of this was pleasant.  i’ve had spans of time where i’ve cried harder than i’ve ever cried in my life.  had to keep myself from calling my mom and telling her i needed her, because i knew she’d drop her job and her responsibilities and her plans to race across the whole-ass country, and i didn’t want to do that to her

but i don’t think it was a bad year.  not really.

it was my first full year living in the portland metro area.  which, don’t get me wrong, deserves some of the Cringe Hippie Liberal Anarchist Moron reputation it gets.  but it meant living in a city full of queer people and openly trans-friendly businesses.  it meant having enough healthcare providers near me that i could actively seek out ones who could treat my complex mental and physical health issues without some of the biases i’m used to.  it meant that i found an adequate psychiatrist within 10 minutes of me, an adequate primary care doctor within 20.

i used to live in rural new hampshire.  i drove 70 minutes to see my psychiatrist.  i never found a primary care doctor for physical health issues.  i would have had to go to boston, and i don’t like driving in downtown boston.  (masshole reputations are real and boston’s city planning is hell on earth.)

i also had the very strange experience of being taken seriously by every doctor i interacted with.  i am not used to this.  without getting too deep into it, i have been pretty badly scarred by experiences with having my autonomy violated because of my status as a psychotic individual, even though my fears were not psychosis-related.  also less scarring but equally off-putting experiences with being a perceived-as-woman individual whose pain was shrugged off by men as, like, normal hysterical woman agonies.  or whatever.

so, i had a leg deformity.  and doctors took me seriously.  because it was a visible, inexplicable symptom.  and because a lot of them looked at it and thought, oh fuck, this girl is dying.

(i could still be dying, i guess.  just a lot slower than they worried i was.  i’m not about to keel over from a blood clot or from my rotting bones decaying into my bloodstream.)

this has gone a long way toward alleviating my intrinsic fear of doctors.  being SICK is scary, sure, but it’s odd to be able to (cautiously) expect that doctors will try to help me instead of hurt me.

it was also my first full year living in an apartment of my own, with the family i chose.  my first full year of having my own space that i built.  my first full year of being independent, aside from the times i wasn’t.  my first full year of interacting exclusively with people who make me feel happy and loved instead of people who drain me.  and i felt better, mentally, than i have in a long time.

which is reflected in my creative work.  this was my most creative year in... ever, i think?  even though i was so sick and slept through so much of it.  even though the pandemic kept me from seeking out inspirational experiences.  i made a lot of fandom friends & got closer to friends i met last year.  i got a lot more confident in writing what i wanted to and talking about what i wanted to and not worrying about pleasing anyone but myself.

i published over 150k words of fanfic.  the vast majority of it was exploring feelings about chronic illness.  i outlined an original fiction project from beginning to end, added about 30k words to it.  i started fucking around with digital art a bit, although i have nothing even Remotely worth showing people.  i gained something like 900 tumblr followers from a combination of shitposting and earnestly talking about my feelings re: chronic illness, mental health, fictional meta.  i gave some ppl life advice that i guess was helpful.  apparently i inspired some people to survive the year, which is very weird to think about, but also very nice.

so, uh.  that’s my year i guess.  should be bad, but it wasn’t.  dunno how to conclude this so i will simply say:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[loki-the-trikster-god]

hi friend clyde here!

sorry for taking so long to respond i completely missed the notification that said u responded.

oh wow. glad ur feeling better amigo :)

ahaha i bet u look amazing. no u didn’t say that. awesome. clearly u and ur ppl have good style.

augh the struggles of terrible clothing. it can just ruin a whole event sometimes. but then again, just wearing cool clothes can make a sucky situation a hell of a lot better too. yesss. fuzzy sweaters and hot chocolate are like the canada mood. it’s probably what you find in gift shops at the airport tbh. (i can’t remember it’s been a while since i’ve been to one which is sad i love airports)

lol yeah! there is. CHICAGO MIX THATS WHAT ITS CALLED. thanks brain for finally cooperating *mentally high fives self*

maybe i should try subway. hmm. idk that means i have to leave the house so idk about that.

yeah the whole thing is pretty fucked up tbh. they can all go to hell it’s just messed up

ahaha ikr. i only had pinterest for a while and i literally had a kajillion of tumblr screenshots under a board called “why is this so relatable”. it would be nicer to call out ppl if the stereotypes were wrong but nope they are all so fucking accurate gods

maybe i should watch glee. i watched some of the performances on youtube and it looks cool so 🤷

omg it’s so gay. “gayest place on the internet” lives up to the name

ehehehe yeah it was worrying me a bit bc i’ve known for a while there’s something wrong with my brain, it just doesn’t think the way it’s supposed to, and it spirals over stupid things. idk this just made me really scared that there was something thoroughly messed up about me, which there probably is but eh at least i have a friend that can’t judge me because he lives in my brain. o well.

lol. but yes. thanks friend. feel free to share if u need to as well. *hugs through the screen*

question: have u listened to and/or seen the musical “be more chill”? i listened to it yesterday it’s sooo weird but also hilarious. idk if ur into that kind of musical but it’s extremely strange, if you are in the mood to question why humanity is like this, listen to that.

until next time friend *waves*

Hello!!! Sorry it’s taken me a g e s to respond I have no excuse but I promise I still like you and I’m not trying to ignore you.

Awwww thank u sm that’s sweet

Omg I love airports too time isn’t real and it smells nice. And sweatersssss!!!! I like sweaters so much. I have many many many sweaters.

Yeah I relate if you have to wear something uncomfy you just never want to do the thing again it’s irritating.

Oooo Chicago mix. Nice. God I love that popcorn. I’m gonna buy more when I go to moms this week I think.

I still have a Pinterest lol I use it for collecting concept arts to use as references for ocs and such. Lmaoo yeah that’s the thing about calling people out on the Internet is that it’s very hard not to call someone out for something you are also guilty of. Lmao.

Ps I’m the Scum Of The Earth for taking so long, I’m so sorry:////.

Ooh which songs did you see?

Yeah I relate really hard. And like to some extent something probably is different than typical, but it isn’t going to hurt you so I’d say go with it. And yeah I get anxious like that too but you’re ok. And that’s why we need head-friends, so they won’t judge us. Brain fuckery do be like that.

*hugs through the screen*

The play is finally done, it premiers the 10th of June :)))))) it’s been delayed twice but that isn’t my problem. Related topic: my mother wants me to start looking at college soon. I don’t know what I want out of college, even within the realm of theater, so that’s gonna be fun, but it’ll be ok, I’ll sort it out.

I like musicals! One of my close friends listens to be more chill (or I guess two now lol) and she says it’s a good time! I’ll give it a listen sometime!!

This also isn’t as long a response as usual but I hope you can find it in your lovely heart to forgive me :))

Talk soon (sooner than this time hopefully)

[shameless-selfship-indulgence]

Girl Help Part 2

I wrote this in a fucking frenzy

there’s no, like, content worth warning about in this one though

"calais," said Marvus. "cuh-LIE-is. soundz like a troll name."

"A troll name?" asked Calais.

"fo sho babe," said Marvus. "six n six. marvus xoloto. trizza tethis. all part o da fxxked up hellawhack shiznack dat dictates r planets whole history n shit. twelves all over da dam place."

"Is that what you are?" asked Calais. "A...troll?"

Marvus blinked at her, a slow, lizard-like blink. He gave a low whistle. "dam we gotta start w da basics here."

The planet was called Alternia, the species was called trolls. The entire society revolved around a rigid caste system based on blood color, which divided trolls into twelve distinct subtypes with different physical traits. Red was at the bottom, Fuchsia at the top.

"its all bullshit tho," he added at the end. There was a flash of something in his eyes.

"What was that thing you were doing?" asked Calais. "Earlier. To me."

Did Marvus stiffen ever so slightly? Was that a flare in his nostrils? His eyes flicked up and down Calais with lightning speed before he leaned back with affected nonchalance.

"chucklevoodoos," he said. There was something guarded in his voice.

Calais blinked at him for a second, hoping that the jumble of noise he had just poured at them would sort itself out. No luck.

"Chuck-a-what?"

"chuck-el-voo-doos," said Marvus again. "purpleblood shit. wuz doin it 2 every1, not jus u."

"You mean like...mind control?" Calais guessed.

Marvus frowned. "controlz a strong word 4 it, my dude. its more like vibez."

Calais suddenly understood something.

Should she say it? She usually liked to have her cards on the table. She did it as often as she could, in the hopes that the other person would do the same. She got the feeling this man wouldn't, though.

But then again, he already had all the power in this situation. The only hope that she had was to try to build some sort of relationship with him, and she liked it when those were built on trust. Besides, she liked being honest better. Easier to remember her answers.

But still, a voice in the back of her head screamed at her to think it through a bit more, even as she opened her mouth and blurted out-

"You don't like that you can't control me."

Marvus looked slightly taken aback. He narrowed his eyes a bit. "no, I don't," he said slowly. Candidly. His hand started to edge towards his cane.

Oh shit, he thought she was trying to flex on him. Calais started to fumble, multiple different de-escalators and disclaimers colliding on the way out of her mouth and throwing random sounds everywhere.

Eventually she managed to concentrate enough to form real words.

"I-I mean you CAN," said Calais. "You CAN control me. I just hate it. I hate it enough that I can tell that it's happening."

Marvus paused. Calais continued, trying to explain everything in a rush.

"Not that it feels bad. It feels good. That's what I hate about it. I can tell in my head that it's not how I'd normally feel. I know that normally I'd be...repulsed. Normally I'd have a sense of...boundaries. And what's gross and what's not. And whatever the chuckle thing does, it doesn't stop me from being scared. I'm always scared of that."

"scared of wat?" Marvus asked. His teeth glinted in a smirk. "gettin ur pail on?"

"My what?"

"dam. dunno wat pailing is? gettin freaky, babe. all concupiscent n shit."

"Oh. I mean. Yeah? I'm kind of scared of it...I mean." Calais stress stimmed a little. "It's more that I'm scared of not being in control? Like, did you know that being horny actively lowers your disgust response? Even without the voodoos or whatever. Literally, the only reason that we can enjoy reproducing is because we no longer have an accurate sense of what's gross and what isn't. That's what I don't like. The idea that I could be in a situation where I'm doing all these, just. Objectively disgusting things? And LIKING it? And not being able to tell that it's nasty? Or even being able to tell and not caring. I hate it. I hate it so much. It scares me. And I definitely don't want to be like that around another person."

"huh," said Marvus. "never met any1 else like dat."

Calais shrugged. "Maybe because they don't come to whatever it was you were doing."

"nah," said Marvus. "I seen ppl roll up who didn't want 2 b there. they come around in the end." He tilted his head at them. "prolly cause ur an alien," he said, seeming to decide it as he said it. "pailing n murder r pretty normal mental states 4 us. disinhibition doesn't bother ppl."

He looked a little more relaxed now for having come to this conclusion. Calais figured that was a good thing.

"so wat r u?" he asked.

"Oh! Um. We call ourselves humans," said Calais. "Uh, we all have the same blood color, so that's not a thing...and I'm pretty sure nobody has any psychic powers, either."

"dam. wat do u do then?"

"Uh..." Calais puffed air through her cheeks. "I dunno. I'm not sure what to tell you. Whatever it is would be completely normal for me, so..."

"wat color's ur blood?"

"Um, red?" said Calais.

Marvus winced, but he was smiling. "ooh. dats gonna b rough."

"Yeah, I was gonna say..." Calais curled into herself a little, then remembered her ribs and winced, stopping up short.

"how'd u get here?" asked Marvus.

"I...have no idea," said Calais. She blinked. "I don't know. I don't know at all. I was suddenly just. Here."

"where were u b4?"

Calais looked around, as if the answer were written somewhere in the room. "I...I don't know!" she exclaimed. "I mean, I must have been somewhere, but I don't...I can't..." she started to wring her hands.

"woah, woah, babe, calm down," said Marvus, lifting his hands in a placating gesture. "it's all gonna b ok."

Calais shied away from him instinctively. He was awfully close. But she realized that the fact that this bothered her was a good thing.

"What did you see?" she asked.

Marvus shrugged. "u weren't there. then u were."

Calais wondered briefly if he was telling the truth. But even if he weren't, there was no way they would be able to tell. They would have to take him at his word.

"That's...not very helpful," they said absently.

Marvus laughed. "guess not. dam."

"I don't know what I was doing before I came here, I don't know how I got here, and I don't know how to get back." Calais thought for a bit, chewing her lip. "M-maybe someone at the concert saw? Someone in the mosh pit?"

"m tellin u babe, there was nuthin 2 c," said Marvus.

"Can we...check?" Calais asked carefully, looking warily at her clown host.

Marvus smiled, a somewhat easygoing smile that was nevertheless a little too toothy. "my concerts r wild, my dude," he said. "they was deffs all distracted. n they're all prolly all hells 2 the indisposed atm."

Calais dimly remembered the general reaction - or lack of reaction - to their appearance and realized that this was probably true.

Calais looked at Marvus, running calculations in her head. She was starting to realize how this was going to go, although she didn't want to believe it. Didn't want to need him. But she needed somebody, and...

"u don't have anywhere 2 go, do u," said Marvus. It wasn't really a question.

Calais flinched. "Yes," they said.

Marvus drummed his fingertips against the table he was leaning on. They clicked on the wood. Calais realized that his fingernails were claws and swallowed hard.

. "tell u wat, babe," said Marvus. "m on the homeward part of my tour atm. y don't u come w me n we'll see if we can figure out how 2 get u home."

Calais closed their eyes and took a deep breath. Don't think about the creepy clown, don't think about how you feel, just consider him, consider yourself, consider the situation, there's no need to be scared if you just figure out what's going on and why you're afraid...

Blessedly, Marvus let her sit there in shut-eyed silence until she was able to put her thoughts together and turn to him.

Direct communication. It was something that she liked.

"You want to keep me near you," she said. "You don't know what to make of me, and you want me in...in, like, your hand."

"well yh," said Marvus. "dats all true. but dat doesn't mean it can't b mutually beneficial, ufeelme? yeah ur an alien n u might b useful n shit but dat doesn't mean I can't help u 2. u do need somewhere to stay right? alternia is vy dangerous. 'specially 4 mutants n aliens. 'specially 4 mutants n aliens w red blood."

"I do need your help," said Calais. "I just..." pain and trauma emboldened her; fear wasn't enough to keep her quiet. "I just don't want you to pretend your motives aren't selfish. I don't want you to pretend anything. It's okay that you want to use me...I mean, it's not okay, but I don't exactly have a choice and I probably can't fight you so at the very least I want to know that that's what's happening, get it?"

She picked at flecks of teal under her fingernails and realized for the first time that it was blood. Their stomach lurched and they froze, setting their hand back down. "I'll probably be more cooperative than you think," she said quietly. "As long as I know what I'm getting into. I mean. When you manipulate someone, you want to make them feel at ease, right? Like they can trust you? So they'll do what you want? Well, I'll feel way more at ease if I think I can trust you. If I know you're telling the truth. Even if it's bad. So just...don't try to sell me anything. Do you understand?"

She glanced up at Marvus. He was shaking his head slowly. "ur a rlly weird alien," he said. "sure. if dats wat u want."

"Do you promise?" asked Calais.

Marvus nodded. "fo sho, babe. promise. but m not tryna use u. not yet @ least. ur a wild card. jus wanna keep an eye on u 4 now."

"Right," said Calais.

"so it's a deal, then?" asked Marvus with a smirk. He held out his hand.

Calais looked at his hand, then back up to his face. Hesitated. Then reached out and took his hand.

Marvus' grip was strong, and his hand seemed to swallow up her own. Calais strengthened her grip, but she got the feeling that no matter how tight she squeezed, it  wouldn't impress him.

He grinned at her and gave her hand a quick up and down shake. She seriously doubted that he was trying to make a show of strength, but it still felt as though he could wrench her shoulder from its socket, just by shaking her hand.

"alrite then. it's a deal," he said.

Calais pulled their arm back against her chest. A deal.

This creature was, evidently, not Satan. Just an alien with horns and freaky mind powers. But that didn't keep the phrase "deal with the devil" from reverberating wryly through her mind.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

i am ready

already starting out with a bop

yo this is great

also im tapping my foot as a stim bc these are good

facetime with my mom tonight reminds me of like.....pop videos....like pop music videos, im saying it reminds me of “what do you mean” by justin bieber, as it was also shot in a single room

ah yes the butterfly effect

hello socko

socko be spittin’ facts

aw :( poor socko

NSID

if only the companies during pride month said the same lol (some are legit)

“against racism in theory” uh-

yo butterfingers are kinda nasty (to me)

an avocado

A WHITE WOMANS INSTAGRAM OH MY GOD

damn it got real, you good white woman’s instagram owner

a dreamcatcher bought from urban outfitters oml

some ppl can shut the fuck up lol...i cant, i choose not to

for an hour, hell yes

also this lighting is very nice

yo what the fu-

*cries in inception*

him reacting to him reacting (and on and on) glass after glass, i honestly really like how he portrayed that. that’s kinda how it feels when i go on a tangent, and have to pick up the pieces of my original thought, especially if i’ve lost my train of thought.

IVE HEARD TIKTOK AUDIO OF BEZOS AND I OH MY GOD

ITS SO GOOD

this is going on repeat, and i love the meaning

the scream is really good too

im....horny honestly same

you send me a peach....ill send a carrot back...cool cool

we love asking for consent (as should everyone)

sit why do you have a knife

the sexting song reminds me of “orange juice” by melanie martinez

sir why do you have a knife-

*disassociates*

“well well, look who’s inside again, went out to look for a reason to hide again”

i didnt need to be called out

ah yes a wet hair segment

this is so 80s, giving me “holding out for a hero” we love it

bitch im trying to listen, shit ive been complicit, my brain

age is a very scary thing. i feel like a lot of people start throwing others away once they’ve reached a certain age and that isn’t really okay. people should be able to enjoy what they want to enjoy at any age (within reason, of course). the venom that some people face is so....gross. just because they’re in their 30s and enjoy reading fanfics, or making them like??? they arent hurting anyone, mind your fucking business. im honestly happy that a lot of my pals are older on here. i may not know what the fuck they’re talking about sometimes, but there’s still a lot of shared experiences, and things like that.

im absolutely terrified of getting older. i know and understand that i’m young, i’m literally 15 years old, what do i need to be scared of.....a lot. i just dont have a good relationship with death, and sometimes i lie awake at night, thinking about how nothing in life is permanent, besides the life cycle itself. things live, and things die. and i know it happens, i’ve just yet to accept it.

for so long, i’ve wanted to “be a big kid” and do all these different things, but i just...dont know. i feel like my brain is older than my body. and my thoughts, and things i like. it’s really weird. i’ve been told that im “mature for my age” and all that, which i see as a compliment, rather than someone trying to be a predator. which is understandable in both aspects. but i sometimes wonder if i wasnt...me...y’know. if i wasnt mature for my age, and looked a bit younger. (i look young in general, but eh, you get it) i look tired sometimes, (its because i probably am) but it’s odd. anyways, back to me reacting.

turning 30 is a bop

hes not out of touch, it’s honestly fine to not be on social media and shit

yeah, i already disassociate enough, it happens mostly when im listening to music...hmm

2030 i’ll be 40 and kill myself then.......yeah

ME EXPLAINING WHY I SAY WHAT I SAY SO PEOPLE DONT WORRY

dear lord, yeah its too real

i know i dont want to, but i really just....want things to stop sometimes. so i can breathe, and gather my bearings and get through it. things get a lot and i just need a break.

YO WHY DO I RELATE DEAR LORD

i really need help jesus christ

thank you for cleaning me mr burnham

yes i like the show, im not tired of it, its just fine :)

yo he put a whole game in this shit, hell yeah

yeah i want out of the house, but like......AUGH no

why tf is this so accurate

wake up at literally 4 in the afternoon, feeling like a bag of shit (oh no)

if i mentally feel like shit, i cant sleep it off lol, my dreams exhaust me at that point

“could i interest you in everything all of the time” me listening to tunes

THATS WHERE THE MANIACAL LAUGHING SOUND IS FROM AND IT CUTS OFF I DIDNT KNOW THIS INFORMATION

love ur forehead glowstick dude

i like the idea of it being like...contained, but im sure that im losing it because i havent been like...NEAR OTHER PEOPLE. the pandemmie has NOT been great. anyway.

total disassociation, total out your mind, googling derealization, hating what you find

PLEASE THIS IS TOO ACCURATE

aw :(

its 4 in the morning so my hands are gonna be up, and im just looking at him

this is so beautiful

yo he put a “the living tombstone” on that one

him sitting on the chair reminds me of the one scene in “kill your darlings” where the main character has diarrhea, and they’re sitting on a chair bare ass naked (so they dont have to take the pants off, yada yada) while also writing on a typewriter.

yo this was great

okay i admit that i was mad sad earlier, but like....im fine now. and especially not now. i’ve been told not to watch inside when not in a good mental state, and i get it. im fine now, but that was good. i honestly laughed more than anything. i dont feel like crying. it represented a lot of my thoughts and feelings well. i like it.

[kendrixtermina]

The Recruitment Freebies: Thoughts on Sylvain and Felix

Now when it comes to recruiting characters, there are 2 who kind of stand out and are, in their own way, somewhat ‘easier’ to get.

Sylvain joins you automatically if you’re playing fem Byleth, whereas Felix actually requires high stats/abilities that no one else does but since your primary weapon is most likely going to be a sword anyways and he requires sword skill, he’s actually not so hard to collect. Given that they’re both handy units (Felix kicks butt like no tomorrow, Sylvain is pretty customizable and gets a relic early on) you’re sorta encouraged to snatch one or both.

If you’ve seen them in their original environment, you’ll easily notice why: They’re kind of the kingdom’s token cynics. 

[Longer Essay Under The Cut]

The Initial Situation

One thing that stands out right away is that the Blue Lions are one of the tightest-knit groups: The Black Eagles have sort of vaguely heard of each other because most the imperial nobility lives in the capital and the one commoner used to be famous, but that’s it, only Linhardt and Dorothea really express any regret over betraying Edelgard if they do, and their fates don’t differ that much by whatever faction they’re in - Ferdinand is certainly sad to see the Empire itself go down (see that amusing line about an ‘Adrestia-shaped hole in [his] heart’) and has a minor existential crisis when his family’s lands are confiscated after he spend his whole life preparing to rule them, but while he gets that line wondering what might have become of him if Byleth had chosen a different path, he pretty much always becomes a statesman no matter who winds up on the throne.

The Golden Deer, meanwhile, are from wildly different backgrounds and even Claude just showed up last year. If they stay together, they eventually become a tight-knit group under Claude’s leadership (except Lorenz, if Byleth’s not with them), and if you recruit em,  they will largely pursue their own interests as they were never too unified to begin with, with most of the commoners saying they were never that involved in politics, and most of the nobles acting out of self-preservation or opportunism.

By contrast, most of the Blue Lions know each other personally and will be pretty conflicted about defecting from the Kingdom if you recruit them, and it’s no wonder:

Sylvain, Felix Ingrid and Dimitri were childhood friends and all big weapons enthusiasts, Dedue has followed Dimitri everywhere he went for the last few years, Anette’s father worked for Dimitri’s, Mercedes is Anette’s BFF from magic school and while Ashe didn’t know the others before since he was a poor village kid before Lonato took him in, he becomes fast friends with the rest of them due to their shared admiration of knight stories.

So in this more idealistic and old-fashioned groups, Sylvain and Felix can be thought of as the token cynics or more independently-minded characters. This is most obvious with Felix: He sticks out like a sore thumb, vocally expresses his dislike of the others and their values and basically keeps to himself on the training grounds, and its only through the other’s doormatsey dispositions that they seem determined to ignore his hostilities and continue considering him a friend whether he wants to or not. He doesn’t fit in with the other Blue Lions at all.

Sylvain, meanwhile, doesn’t stand out that much at first glance, he seems like another fairly common character archetype in the silly childhood friends lineup and gives Ingrid plenty of cause to get into Mom Friend mode,  but the whole thing with him is that while he pretends to be a hedonistic oaf, he’s actually something of a brooding intellectual type underneath, very ‘byronic’ overall.

Ultimately, both of them are motivated by a desire for, and love of freedom. (which is probably why a lot of ppl think they’d be a compatible and interesting as a romantic couple - for all their outward difference, they have a common ‘core’ there)  Sylvain has been treated all his life like his life and power don’t really belong to himself and he desperately strains against those binds by acting out, and Felix finds his countrymen to have a bit of a grostesque lemming mentality and wants no part of that.

At the same time both show their ‘cynism’ in very different ways, and neither of them is a ‘complete’ cynic, but the areas where you find their residual idealism are also different. I would say that Felix’ cynism is more apparent, while Sylvain’s runs much deeper, but more on that later.

Though he cares little about maintaining a reputation and indeed seems to sorta seek out or get a kick out doing what his father would hate, calling himself a ‘good for nothing/scoundrel/ someone who’s going to hell’, to sorta go against that pressure to be a good kid, when it comes down to it he’s actually still pretty honorable and does actually believe in The Power Of Friendship (as noted by both Ashe and Dimitri - it’s probably why they like him) He’s inclined to be a Good Guy, he just doesn’t want the pressure that goes along with it.

It reminds me a bit of that one Fiona Apple song: “Do I wanna do right? Of course./ But Do I really wanna feel I’m forced to/  answer you?/ Hell no!”

Felix meanwhile - well. Some might say he’s tsundere, and I suppose he is, stock phrases wise, but to put it more specifically what he is is counterdependent.  Which is a word commonly used to describe that teenage behavior of always doing the exact opposite of what your parents or the mainstream do, thereby being just as influenced as a dependent person. It’s closer to being dependent than indepedent - He wants badly to be independent, but doesn’t really know how. He still very much has attachments to his father and his oldtime childhood friends, he just rejects them fiercely, because between Glenn’s death and his first deployment to Sreng, he came to see that attachment as something that will destroy him, something incompatible with self-preservation. He still dearly loves Rodrigue, Dimitri and the others, but he doesn’t want to be like them. He wants to be free, he’s a reasonable man and sees that they’re all walking off a cliff and he doesn’t wanna jump of of it, but his opposition is so absolute because some part of his kind of wants to.

At the same time he’s not entirely a complainer for complaining’s sake. Though very fighting-focussed he has his own strong code of ethics and standards- Dimitri markedly falls short of them. They’re not that different, Felix too feels the wide open wound of being still bonded and attached  to people who aren*t there anymore (”Training for a duel with a corpse”, as he puts it) - But while Dimitri let it eat his life (though there’s more complexity here of course but that would derail this into a whole different essay), Felix kinda errs on the opposite side of pushing down all attachment, but at the same time, he does it because he’s concerned with saving the ones who are still alive. That’s the point he stresses in his paralogue where he argues with his father, “We’re here to protect our subjects”. He wants to protect himself, yes, but he also wants to protect other people. He’s all about that.  He wants people to protect themselves not glorify throwing their lives away.

Which is why despite all his vocal complaining he still ultimately hangs out with the others, cannot help but worry about their wellbeing etc.  They might be negative bonds now but they’re still very much bonds.

Meanwhile, in Sylvain’s case the cynism comes not from rejection but disillusionment and distrust. He’s a good guy but his ability to form bonds is almost completely destroyed. All his life he got showered with fake conditional love while being presented with an example of what would happen if he didn’t stay in ppl’s good graces: His brother, who’d been dropped like a hot potato. I don’t think he can think of himself as good; He kinda got treated as an unfair existence the moment he came into the world.   At least if you get no love, you still have the hope that you might eventually get love. But fake love? Fake love poisons everything. It’s disgusting wrong, it’s not really for you and it just makes you wanna get rid of it by any means neccessary. Speaking from experience here.

Apart from the bonds he got with his childhood friend and those with exceptional people skills like Byleth, Mercedes and Dorothea, he doesn’t really trust anyone beyond a certain level.

But that’s a subtle distinction.

At first the most apparent difference, and the first contrast to come up in their support chain, is focus. Felix responded to the unpleasantness in his past with absolute laser focus, particularly on fighting and becoming stronger, whereas Sylvain avoids ever the appearance of focus like the plague, downplays his capabilities and chases distractions in a way that may be rather relatable to those of us who had the whole weird-ass Gifted Child Experience. Hence, Sylvain might come off as extravagant/frivolous while Felix appears disciplined, even ascetic.

This is also apparent in how its implied that they “jump ship” - Sylvain does it on a whim because of fem Byleth’s ample bosoms, (whereas man Byleth needs to impress him with reason skill which ties more into his hidden dephts) whereas with Felix it would tie into his pursuit of strenght and how he focusses on that more than anything else. Byleth stands out as a badass, so Felix juins his class or that’s his reasoning in the dialogue he gets.

But at the same time what we see here is that both were born with great natural power but don’t want that defining their lives. Sylvain downplays and refuses to use his, while Felix is determined to get straight that he actually “earned” through his harsh discipline and dedication, and vocally disavows conventional wisdom (”Crests, lineagle, knighthood... all trifles. Only strenght and skill matter”)

Post-Timeskip

So while a lot of characters like, say, Dorothea, get alot of the same dialogues in each route, others kind of get different little arcs depending on where they end up - for example if you recruit Lorenz for the empire he will at first join out of pure opportunism (that, and trying to get mercy for his corrupt-ass father), but then towards the last few months, he’ll actually come around to Edelgard’s way of thinking.

Felix is one of the characters whose dialogue differs the most by route - church & Alliance overlap a lot though with a few pointed differences, and his ending narrations are totally different depending on whether you recruited him or left him with the Kingdom. Of course, this would have to differ to an extent as he can’t exactly become Dimitri’s right hand when there’s no Dimitri, but the outcomes are starkly different to the point that even his paired endings with different characters all have two versions.

In the Kingdom route he generally succeeds his father whereas in the other routes, he typically renounces his title and becomes a mercenary unless his partner or BFF convinces him otherwise.

Unlike, say, Ferdinand, who does about the same thing regardless of who he ends up working under, for Felix the decision to ditch his classmates is a big big turning point, a choice

Sylvain by contrast has rather more similar endings wherever he goes and his dialogues are more similar - one highlight being how he has the exact same “history is written by the winners, whoever wins will say they’re right war will probably always exist...” lines regardless of whether he’s fighting for or against Edelgard. Whenever he isn’t commenting on the weather of their next destination or the general suckyness of the war, he remains mildly sceptical of whatever side he’s on, including one memorable instance where he refers to poor Hubert as “Edelgard’s idiot sidekick” and thinks they should try more negotiating, though he’s not blind to Dimitri’s flaws either when they go fight him.

Not really a big joiner or believer, this one, no illusions about how they could always be wrong, which perhaps makes it more touching how he invariably ends up becoming a peacemaker and activist after the war, basically becoming a fulltime do-gooder.

Since the inner mechanics with Felix are quite different, so are his outcomes. Sylvain’s gonna be like “I’m not optimistic but I gotta try doing the right thing”, no atter who he’s following, but you get a whole different Felix depending on what route you’re playing.

Because for him, wether to stick with Team Kingdom or not kinda represents a choice between his lingering attachment and his drive to reject that.

In the Kingdom route, he stays a lot more like he was in his academy days: Complains a lot, but still sticks with everyone to the end. He sort of fills the role of the contrarian number two, the one providing a contrastic viewpoint (while, Sylvain, while not optimistic, is no less stubborn about sticking with a friend in need than the rest of Team Kingdom)

He comes across as the Only Sane Man at times, esp. when he calls Titanic on the whole Revenge Trip to Gronder, “Iceberg ahead? ya’ll seeing the iceberg right?” but of course if you’re just complaining you’re kinda part of the problem - He muses that he must be crazy too, if he’s going along with everybody. Can’t bring himself to leave. Eventually that attachment wins out and he doesn’t even bother hiding it especially once Dimitri gets his act together. At that point he figures that the best he can do is to keep him on-course. Though they don’t go back to the same dynamic they once had, they go back to being BFF and the new dynanic is probably more useful to Dimitri as a counterpoint, they pretty much each succeed their fathers in proper Kingdom Manner and stay an A-team for the rest of their lives just like their das were. Idealism triumphs, though it’s a more matured, well-thought out one that is less about high standards and more about forgiveness/redemption.

It seems like he kinda became what he didn’t want to be early on (in the paired ending with Dimitri he even winds up in one of those chivalric tales he used to hate!), but it also looks like that made him happy. Maybe because it resolved the contradiction and tension within himself, all the energy he expends in rejecting his feelings of attachment, to like, actively not care about Dimitri.

I mean in their B support at one point he almost accidentally lapses back into Nerding Out About Swords Like Old Times - He needs to actively remind himself that he’s supposed to hate Dimitri now, and he does an even worse job at No Longer Liking the others.

Indeed when he gets what he ostensibly wanted, or rather what he wants to want, it doesn’t seem to make him all that happy - This was indeed the realization that prompted me to do this analysis. He goes full lonesome cowboy and marches off and he doesn’t sound all that happy about what he’s done, and his paired ending with Sylvain is one of the ones that makes it very obvious - In the Kingdom route, they stay Together Forever as they were in childhood, like they never got estranged at all. In the other routes it’s a sad, melancholic, darkly romantic thing about how Sylvain inherited his title, Felix came to help him out once and they never saw each other again, and Sylvain eventually gets a keepsake from Felix... and this is if you recruit them both. They get a sad enough dialogue if you grab only one and make them fight each other, but even if they run away together, essentially, they don’t become happy together.

The circumstances aren’t that different, if they still wound up in the same faction - But Felix is different.

Because he doesn’t just leave because of Byleth’s heroic charisma like many of the others - He  goes because, in essence, he is putting his pursuit of strength over his lingering attachments for his friends. To leave the kingdom means to actually become what he pretends to be. To actually become a lonewolf warrior who cares only about strenght rather than an ultimately loyal tsundere.

Which is where the above rambles about counter-dependency come to bear: He says he doesn’t care but he does, so much he can’t stop. So to take this step, which at the time seens reasonable and sane and free to him, is to cut off part of himself.

Though even here there are different gradations depending on where you recruit him to.

In the Alliance and church routes he simply jumps ship on the kingdom out of self-preservation. Sanity before Honor, just like he was always talking about. The kingdom’s in horrible shape, it can’t win, or so he sees it, Sylvain’s reasoning is pretty much the same but more resigned/sad (”There was nothing I could do”), after all for all they know, Dimitri is long dead (though Felix, always one with keen insight, suspect him to be alive a bit before he shows up)

Then Dimitri turns up alive, but promptly gets himself killed, and Felix regrets it. Every bit as much as other kingdom characters. He wonders if he could have stopped Dimitri if he’d been with him. He channels this into avenging Dimitri first on the empire and then on TWSITD, and starts using his name at this point.

Tellingly enough, he refers to the local afterlife beliefs that are so prominently featured in the Kingdom route. The ones that Rodrigue taught to both Felix and Dimitri and that likely played a role in the latter’s inability to forgive himself for all that Rodrigue is largely a good man who was a positive influence. He talks about “facing” Dimitri in the afterlife or allowing him to rest in peace much like Dimitri’s own talk about appeasing the dead - As much as he’d like to be Felix was not actually immune to his upbringing. basically he really regrets it.

The church and alliance routes differ somewhat in the dialogue before the last stage in a way that makes the church route seem “milder” - He considers working under Byleth once they become King/Queen, so he doesn’t seem quite as “lost”, whereas in the alliance route he expresses interest in dueling Nemesis. Not that far beyond his usual “must fight worthy opponents/ blood knight attude” but certainly more of an embracement of it and also very reckless, since as far as we knew the zombie horde is blazing an almost unhindered trail through the land and pretty much had Hilda’s renowned invincible brother for breakfast.

The empire route, of course, requires him to go even further - it’s one thing to evacuate a sinking ship, another to go a path where there’s a good chance that he’ll have to go against, and even fight/kill his former comrades. The game sure included tons of unique dialogue for this. You can even have his feud with his father end quite lethally, and Dimitri will even comment on it when you engage him. Ouch!

Right after the holy tomb scene most the recruitees’ dialogues are either some variation of “I’m scared but I trust you sensei” or “Now that she’s actually explained her reasoning, Edelgard’s got a point” - Felix’ is neither.

Though he’d presumably agree that Crests and Status are overrated, that’s not what he talks about. He says he wants to forge his own path, one that isn’t his father’s or Dimitri’s.  

He may or may not be doing the right thing but it’s for the wrong reason.

It’s a decision that’s perfectly logical if you feature in all factors except for his own heart - by which I don’t mean some bullshit 19th century “head vs heart” contrast but simply self-knowledge, which is necessary to make choices that you won’t regret, especially when the ‘correct’ path is ambiguous.

He wants to be free, deeply and desperate but, there’s also the counterdependency in play. He’s not going with the Empire because he wants to go with the empire, but because he wants to go against Rodrigue and Dimitri. Rejecting them to prove to himself that he can.

And turns out he can. He can cut em all down, with fairly unfazed Dialogue about how he’s going his own path, will never bow to the likes of Dimitri, will pursue strenght no matter who stands in his way etc.

They all curse him for betraying him, only Sylvain who’s not the sort to have much certainty about being right, gets more of a “sad/tragic” line about their childhood promise.

But that’s on the battlefield. Back at the monastery it’s a different matter. In this route he shows significantly LESS regret about what happens to the kingdom peeps - after all, he knew he’d be fighting them. He’s just completely embraced the ‘living to fight’ thing here and you get the sense that some other parts of his may have been lost in the process.

Ironically he says he killed more ppl than he can count and that he’s practically as bad as Dimitri now (”Your better world better be worth this”, indeed...) and while he’s completely unflinchingly resolute he’s not exactly unphased.

You can certainly understand why he’d end up as a restless sorta wandering mercenary  (interesting, too that if you pair him with Byleth they’ll go with him - interesting enough in its own right since that’s the sort of life they use to have before coming to the academy)

So I guess this could all  ultimately be seen as a parable on ‘be careful what you wish for’, or, more accurately, ‘know yourself before making wishes’.