#not weaponized incompetence

[stephocrates]

women have managed to take the term “weaponized incompetence” and water it down to a gendered term that basically means “everything mistake men make is on purpose to piss you off” which is sooo disingenuous and pathetic. first of all you’ve watered down what it actually means to be weaponizing your incompetence, which is a real manipulation tactic. secondly you’ve created this narrative where even a man’s most innocent mistake implies this man has bad intentions or he hates women or whatever the fuck. and third, you’re completely ignoring that weaponized incompetence is not exclusive to men and in fact I’d make the claim everyone has weaponized their incompetence at some point in their lives whether that be with your parents or your job or whatever.

[lorynna]

inevitably you will then think back about the nights you used to lie awake in bed, butterflies in your stomach fantasizing about this new guy you met, that you hardly knew by then, imagining how he *could* be, on all the fun dates you would go, the sweet things he'd say to you and the fancy restaurant you'd visit for dinner.

you'd think about the beautiful dresses you would pick out for the occasion and didn't think you'd have to tell him what to wear or that he would maybe out of laziness just show up with jogging pants. you didn't think about all the times the dishes might pile up in the sink or the random socks lying around or eventually having to scrub off the shit stains he leaves on the toilet because he can't even manage to clean up after himself.

and he might tell you that this is just because he has gotten comfortable with you and this has nothing to do with him taking you for granted but I'm telling you that he just doesn't care.

i am tired of hearing work colleagues and friends talk about what they do for their men and laughing about it because it's so normalized that they don't second guess it. I don't wanna hear about how you have to cut up vegetables so small that you can mix it in his spaghetti sauce so he doesn't notice because he refuses to eat those and otherwise wouldn't get his necessary vitamins, i am tired of them talking about how their men fail to complete daily task and give the mental load to their girlfriends/wives and they try to talk it into something positive like: He just told me to manage his [feel free to insert anything here] and I agreed - like at least i can do it how I want it to be done and don't have to second-check after he completes the task. Like... in some kind of way I feel more relieved because when I do it myself I know it's gonna turn out the way it should! " (weaponized incompetence much?)

please learn to leave men that don't add any value to your life. leave men that refuse to make an effort and put yourself first always and don't look back. you alone are whole as a person and you don't need a partner to complete you. you will be fine. you will be better.

[rystiel]

bro’s objectifying that mullet man again

[reality-detective]

And they were not even considered felonies by law, Bill Clinton was found guilty of doing the same thing with Monica Lewinsky. Clinton was found guilty in civil court because it had nothing to do with the federal government. 🤔 Enjoy the Show 🍿

[aemondstark]

#if usurper why pretty?

[heterorealism]

[pa-pa-plasma]

I know the concept of more supernatural/paranormal elements is cool but it will never stop being funny to me that in every series ever, when a ghost shows up the main characters have to do rituals & research the history of the haunted item or house or even whole town & use specific items like salt & incense & talisman to banish the ghost all dramatically & supernaturally, but in Danny Phantom this kid just shows up with nothing but his fists, a thermos, & pent up aggression. put em the fuck UP, you ectoplasmic son of a—

[louisecaldin]

We talk a lot about weaponized incompetence but let's talk about weaponized flattery too.

No dad my mom isn't "amazing at organising events" she just has to do it, because you choose to be useless.

[thatadhdfeel]

hi reddit my partner is weaponizing incompetence by [literally a symptom of their disability] so i told them to eat shit. AITA?

[uter-us]

there are way too many comments like this:

why must the burden of domestic labor always be w the woman

[haggishlyhagging]

Stop helping men. Stop going out of your way to share knowledge with them. Ignore them if you can do so safely. If that’s not possible, shrug your shoulders when you can get away with it. Act dumb. I don’t know how long that’s supposed to cook for. I don’t know what cleaner to use in the tub. I don’t know where Melvin filed the papers for that big project. I don’t know where Kevin went. I don’t know how to get stains out of a shirt. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Stop enabling them. Just stop it. Just stop. If they can weaponize incompetence, so can you.

[blundering-thoughtless-hooligan]

Cunt Dracula just spent the entire train ride jerking off, huh?

[physalian]

On Hyper Independent Characters (and how not to make them the bad guy)

So many characters with “trust issues” are painted out to be cynical little gremlins who just need to ~open their hearts~ and ~let the love in~ like doing so, repeatedly, has only proven them right every single time, but this one love interest will swoop in and save the day.

The people who write these characters tend to do so in bad faith, as if their fears and trust issues are unfounded nonsense, like they’re wrong and Negative Nellys for being wary.

So!

From experience (thus this is hella biased), here’s some thoughts on writing an independent character with trust issues that isn’t belittling.

1. It’s likely not that kind of trust they have issues with

I said this before a while ago, but “trust issues” paired with an extreme sense of self-reliance isn’t “I think everyone is a liar,” but rather “I think everyone is unreliable”. It might stem from a place of constantly being let down, of constantly having the people in their life drop the ball on major events, but also little things, even something as simple as “hey yeah I’ll totally do the dishes” and then they continue to sit there, forcing the person to be a nag about it, or just do it themselves.

These kinds of personalities tend to grow up surrounded by unkept and empty promises, where, while it might not be every single occasion, it happens one too many times for them to keep giving the benefit of the doubt. Even when people have the best of intentions and mean it when they say they’ll do XYZ in the moment, and they really just forgot, the person they made the promise to is impatiently waiting for them to remember 12-day-old dishes.

2. Why don’t they just remind people to keep their promises?

If you’re in my boat, many people with commitment issues are also narcissists or just mean, who, if you even gently remind them, make you out to be a nagging, impatient brat. And to avoid hearing that again, you just don’t speak up. Too many times where ‘forgetting’ has been from a source of a weird power fantasy, intentionally screwing you over, leaves people sitting in a state of unknowing whether it’s benign neglect or very much on purpose, and afraid to voice their concerns to be proven right.

If you’re not in my boat, chronic “forgetters” aren’t going to change without intervention. So if I ask you to do the dishes once, and you forget, that’s one thing. If I ask you twice, three times, four times, nagging over and over again, then the benefit of the doubt is shredded, and I can’t help but assume that the “forgetting” is on purpose. Either weaponized incompetence or something more benign, doesn’t matter. Even if you have some executive dysfunction, that's an explanation, not an excuse, and the people you live with aren't your maids.

Either way, these personalities might grow up with a whole slew of self-worth issues, and be reluctant to make plans with people, invite friends to important events, or get excited about big milestones, because they’re so used to people they care about “forgetting” or canceling last minute that the only one they can trust to reliably show up is themselves.

3. Why don’t they just communicate these fears?

See the “narcissists” in point 2

4. Isn’t it lonely never letting people in?

Fuck yeah, it is. The thing is, though, that if you spend your whole life learning how to do everything alone—pay your bills, do ‘couple’ or ‘friend’ activities, run errands, take yourself out to places—the idea of having to squeeze in the wants and needs of someone else might start to sound incredibly inconvenient.

If you’re so used to being on your own schedule and reaping the benefits of being a party of 1 in crowded spaces (I just took myself to dinner at a place with an hour long wait, able to be seated immediately at the last remaining barstool), of not having to wait for someone else to confirm plans, negotiate who’s driving, negotiate a time to meet up, food to order, a movie to see, a roller coaster to ride, a game or streaming service to buy—everything is entirely under your control, sacrificing convenience for the chance that the person you invite actually shows up on time and is invested as you are isn’t really worth the risk.

That's not to say I don't enjoy when I get to do things with friends, but I can equally enjoy doing things alone as opposed to whining about it.

Personally, while I can daydream about having a romantic partner, that thought is always immediately followed up by the understanding that they’ll be an inconvenience to my independence. But I’m someone who’s always had to do the emotional labor in a relationship, who’s always the most organized, the most mature, the most level-headed in tough situations. Always been the person in groupwork who does all the work. The idea of being “a team” is a fantasy meant for other people. “Team” to me is “me and this deadweight that I have to drag around”.

5. How I’d like to see this represented in characters

Dropping “the one” into their lives and having this person swept up, broken out of their little pessimistic shell, in some epic romance, as if they only needed to find the right person and nothing at all goes wrong… is bad faith.

It’s bad faith because it minimizes this kind of independence as just a little mood problem that can be fixed right quick, that it’s inherently wrong—what was all the fuss about?

What I’d like to see is examples that prove they’re not crazy. Big and little things. Dishes, and big events. Then, they can meet “the one,” but not without some trial and error. A lifetime of “people suck and are unreliable” isn’t going to be snapped away bibbidi bobbidi boo after one good date. This magical person will have to show up, and keep showing up, and keep showing up, and the one time they don’t, because they won’t, then A and B can hash it out like adults.

6. How this person might act

I’ve never actually met somebody like me and we’d either be best friends or loathe each other. But this person might be the most reliable friend you’ve ever had, because they’re so afraid of becoming like everyone in their life who let them down before. If you ask a favor of them, it gets done with supernatural haste.

This person might also have their own commitment issues, where instead of failing to keep their promises, they punish themselves by keeping promises they hate, showing up out of spite and resentment because they said they would, lest they be called a hypocrite.

They might under-share or not speak up about accomplishments in their life until the time for hype and anticipation has passed, lest they share expecting the same level of excitement only to be met with apathy. They might not show visible excitement about objectively exciting things, because they’re so used to plans falling through that they won’t believe something is happening until they are physically in the location and it’s staring them in the face.

Thus, they might look frequently bored or unhappy and unmoved by something important to you, or something you thought they’d like (especially if you’ve let them down before, trust is a privilege, not a right).

7. What I’d like people to understand most of all

First, that some of us tend to live by the “if you want something done right do it yourself” mantra, so actually asking somebody for help with something is admitting that X cannot be done alone, which makes failure to keep a promise even worse. As in, if A goes out of their way to admit they can’t do F alone and risk being let down to ask B to do this one little thing for them, and B still drops the ball, A is going to sit there and think “this is why I have trust issues”.

Can’t speak for everyone, but yes I do acknowledge that the suffering in silence isn’t helping anyone and am working on it. Counterpoint: Weaponized incompetence is very real and an adult should not have to remind another adult to keep their living space clean, at the bare minimum. Agreeing to do a thing is at least equal responsibility on the inviter and invitee and "you didn't remind me" isn't a valid excuse.

But most importantly, if you have a friend or relative who is fiercely independent, I’d implore you to learn one thing: Do not make promises that you can’t keep. And if shit happens and you have to cancel even when you had the best of intentions, have the decency to tell them and make the best effort you can to reschedule ASAP, instead of putting the impetus on them to do the rescheduling. Make it absolutely clear that you do, in fact, care, and weren’t going out of some apathetic sense of obligation.

I cannot count the amount of times I have asked a friend to do something for me, they eagerly agreed, and then my very real deadlines come and go and they say absolutely nothing, so I have to nag them, and nag them, and then they turn it back on me with a “obviously you can see that I’m busy and you’re not paying me for this” when all they had to do was say “no I can’t help you” (two whole humans; we are not friends anymore).

The ability to be approached with a request for a favor, step back and think about it, and go “No, I don’t think I can do that in that time frame/at this moment I’m going through a lot/with the skill the task requires” is apparently ridiculously rare. I’d infinitely prefer a no upfront than a yes, bank on that yes, and then wait around hoping someone follows through.

Not saying anything is really rude. If you agree to X, the person who asked you is fully expecting you to do X. They shouldn’t have to be lining up backup plans and last minute helpers scrambling to do the job you promised would get done.

—

Not exaggerating when I say it happens in so many areas. I’ve needed very important things like recommendation letters, or actual paid beta readers on a very hard deadline and still scrambled at the last minute to find replacements that sometimes cost real money for rush fees. I’ve been left waiting at an event for an hour minimum only to finally receive a ‘hey I can’t come’ text and then go home. I’ve told people multiple times, “hey, if you’re going to do X, please do it like this and have some consideration for my things that you’re borrowing” and just… be ignored.

As somebody who gets whatever’s asked of me done immediately, no matter how busy I am, man is it hard to keep accepting “sorry I forgot” as an excuse, from multiple people, multiple times.

The nice thing, though, the big benefit of hyper-independence is that I have learned so many skills out of a compulsion to just do it myself instead of gambling with the accountability of another flighty human. Handyman things for my home and my car, but artistic things, too. So there’s that.

[niiwa-angel]

Had a table yesterday, dad and his little girl, probably four years old. This little girl had really cute french braids in so I complimented them. Obviously, she was super happy about her hair, she told me all about how pretty it was and how much she liked it. Then dad pipes up.

"oh yeah, her teacher did it. I sent her to daycare with messy hair and she came back like this"

And it was said in such a bragging tone. Like, imagine bragging that you are so inept as a parent that you send your four year old to daycare without proper daily grooming? That doesn't make you ashamed? That your child was so visibly disheveled that their teacher had to take them aside and fix their hair?

Why do men go so far out of their way to avoid learning how to take care of their daughters? It's not hard to brush your child's hair and put it in a ponytail. Or pigtails. Or look up a YouTube tutorial on how to do a simple braid.

Can you imagine if women did that with their sons? If a mom said "Oh, I sent my son to hockey practice with messy laces and his coach sent them back neat and tidy!" She'd be rightfully torn to shreds. Part of having a child is taking care of them, even if it doesn't come naturally to you. If your daughter is relying on her teachers to do her hair, you need to step the fuck up, that's actually embarrassing

[kittycomrad]

After thorough investigation, I have come to the conclusion that being petty towards men and fighting back is the best thing I or any woman can do. I'm talking about men's weaponized incompetence. Sons, fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands or even strangers feel entitled to women's labour. A solution to this problem isn't "communication", communication with men doesn't work. You'll be the one who'll feel gaslit and guilty after addressing a problem to men that THEY started. Men don't understand words they understand consequences. Personally, I'll use back weaponized incompetency.

Oh, you can't cook because it tastes bad when you do it🥲?? It's ok, you can order online because I only cooked for one person.

Oh you didn't wash your own clothes because you don't how to use the big bad complex washing machine😞?? It's ok, you can scrub all your clothes with soap and scrub.🫡

So now you forgot to clean your shaving razor and you don't have time🫤?? Cool, I'll pack it with your lunch box so you can do it later. Good luck.🙏

[vampykween]

more toxichusband!simon

based off this little drabble -> the jaws of life

you're seriously wondering how long they'd put you away if you strangled your husband. you're a big girl, you could probably survive prison if it meant you didn't have to watch simon tearing up your backyard. the backyard looked perfectly fine until you mentioned that the house needed to be tidied up for your parents, who were due to visit soon.

simon gets to fuck off and play in your back garden while you attempt to transform your house from the normal pigstye it is from having two unruly children wreaking havoc on it.

simon hears you coming before he sees you, the sound of your angry stomps reverberating off the ceiling of the covered patio (the patio you wouldn't even have if it wasn't for him and his handy skills).

"are you serious, simon?! are my parents going to be lounging in the yard all day? in what world would 'the house needs to be cleaned' meant 'let's redo the back garden pavers?'"

your husband turns around slowly to face you and whatever fight was brewing was quickly doused when he saw you had the baby perched on your hip. the sight of his baby girl makes it a bit more bearable talking to you right now. instead of replying to your rant, he reaches his arms out to take the baby from your grasp. you huff but concede and hand her over.

"is the garden not part of the house now? you've griped at me for ages to fix up the pathway, and the moment i do it you have a problem with that?" simon retorts back at you.

you suck in a long, deep breath and remind yourself that you were working on not slandering your husband in front of your kids - which was clearly a work in progress.

"you know what? you're right, just stay out here all day long. in fact, why don't you sleep out here too since you're just so enamored with the yard." you pluck your daughter back out of his large arms and march angrily back into the kitchen, slamming the door in frustration.

you look down at the chubby baby in your arms, and she blinks up at you owlishly. "please promise me you'll never let a guy treat you like that, baby. it's too late for me, but for the love of god, please be smarter than i ever was."

you let out a somber sigh and hugged your daughter tight against your chest. you knew you were setting a bad example, sticking around for a man who treats you like a nuisance. but the hopeful part of you remembers how your husband used to be, and that maybe one day, things will be better again.