#not to mention that plenty of disabled people prefer it!

[adhd-culture--is]

fun follow-up question: does this differ from how you like other people to describe you?

[trek-tracks]

hello! I am also diabetic (type one). I’m curious if when you think of star trek or yourself in Star Trek if you imagine having diabetes still? I think either way is valid, just curious. I go back and forth trying to figure out if they would have cured it or just advanced insulin pumps to the point of being practically seamless with day to day life. For me being diabetic is so integral to my personality I kind of don’t know if I would like to think of it as being cured? It’s cool if you don’t want to answer too! Just thought I’d ask :)

This is an interesting question.

I've always thought about my type one diabetes as being solidly on the second end of the disability "spectrum," so to speak, where the first end is "this is integral to my personality and who I am, accommodate but do not 'cure' me," and the second is "this brings nothing but pain to my life, please cure me immediately."

The only accommodation that would fully make my life better, in my opinion, (which is only my opinion about my own disability), is either a functional cure (artificial pancreas) or actual cure (no machinery necessary), the latter of which I would prefer, because frankly I'm sick of wearing a pump and a cgm 24/7 and the sheer amount of waste it produces, which is not my fault because I need to live, but still weighs heavily on me (and takes up a large amount of space in my apartment). Not to mention the scheduling--this message brought to you by me being woken up at 5am by an empty insulin pump and realizing that, no, I don't seem to have any unused cartridges left, so I have to use an old one and pray that the pump accepts it while waiting for the delivery of the supplies I just now ordered, which cost $750.

When I think about a life in the Star Trek universe, I can really only think about being transferred there now, as I am, with the life I have led, and I think that's what also shapes my decision. If I had been born into the Star Trek universe, there are so many aspects of my personality that might have been different, considering I wouldn't have to worry about scarcity and affordability of, for example, housing. Instead of being a theatre critic as a second job that feeds my soul but doesn't pay the bills, I'd probably be a playwright/dramaturg/critic full time. However, I might find not having a job outside of the theatre world to be detrimental, because when people don't have lives outside of theatre, their writing tends to get smaller and more insular.

This is a digression, but what I mean is: I can only see me as I am now joining a Starfleet world, rather than trying to envision the person I would be if I'd begun my life there. I mean, I certainly wouldn't be known for making memes about Star Trek, the TV show, if Star Trek were reality instead of entertainment, so things would be different in a number of ways. I can't even think about all the ways my life could have been different in this reality without getting a headache.

In that case, I have learned a lot from being diabetic, including patience and empathy for other people, and a strong sense of social justice. I've learned a lot about food and exercise and how they affect the body. I've learned responsibility and self-management. I've made more peace with aging than many of my friends, because I've felt prematurely "old" (aches, pains, contemplation of mortality) since I was a preteen. I think I would have some form of these things without diabetes, but my worldview would likely be different. In a way, I'm grateful for these lessons, and I don't know if born-into-Star-Trek me would be insufferable.

That being said, I firmly believe that having diabetes for more than 25 years means that diabetes has taught me all about life it's going to teach me. I'm done. If I were to wake up tomorrow without it, I'd, in the words of Beyond McCoy, "throw a party." A party with plenty of cake. Or, to misquote The Voyage Home, "The doctor gave me a pill, and I grew a new pancreas!"

Now that it's part of me, its absence might leave me somewhat adrift, but I think of all the time I've lost to it where I could have been enjoying life and been allowed to be the unfettered me I desired to be, and I say, good riddance.

[autistic-duck]

(Very long post, sorry.)

I had an experience with a college professor last semester that really got me thinking about academics and ableism, specifically in college writing.

A few months ago, my class was having an open discussion, and I brought up an opinion that had been on my mind for a while.

I basically said, "There's a gap between college-level writing and the average person's reading level that we need to fill. Nobody should need to look up words every three seconds to understand a study that could affect their life, so we either need more people to rewrite these studies for the general public to understand, or these studies, in general, should be published with language that isn't so complicated."

My professor responded by saying something like, "Sure, that's a good goal. However, wouldn't a better goal be to raise the average person's reading level so that everyone can understand college-level writing?"

I (in my frantic and confused way) tried to bring up the fact that there are people born at a disadvantage in life. In fact, getting everyone to a perfect college reading level isn't a realistic goal. It certainly isn't for me, and I don't want it to have to be for other people. In fact, the professor who told me this also struggled to understand the chapters we were assigned to read in that class.

Really, it all comes down to this: college-level language is inaccessible.

Even more importantly, many people will never be able to understand most of the huge words thrown around in college writing.

At school, I am constantly told my writing style is "simple" and "easy to understand." This is something my classmates have told me isn't "bad" but just "different." However, I'm still insecure whenever someone mentions it because it is always pointed out. I use a smaller vocabulary, they seem to say, but don't worry. It's just a preferred writing style, they reassure me. They think the simple language is a choice I could stop at any time.

Well, what if it isn't just a "style"? What if I struggle to expand my vocabulary? Learning one new word takes me ages because I need to see it in all kinds of contexts. Even then, oftentimes "context clues" are no help, and I completely misinterpret the meaning of a word for years because it seems like every other native English speaker knew what it meant without needing to say it. A lot of the time I'll read the definition of a new word and instantly forget it after finishing the sentence it was in.

So yeah, I'll say it with pride: Simple words are powerful. Simple words are beautiful. And most importantly, simple words are not inferior in any way to words like "quintessential" or "expedient." (I have no idea what either of those words mean even though I've looked them up plenty of times and used them accurately in essays before.)

Simplicity is why I like shows meant for all ages better than shows meant only for adults. Because in shows that are written with children in mind, there aren't confusing messages you have to spend energy untangling. There aren't unnecessary analogies or feelings that are "implied" but never said. The characters' facial expressions and emotions are easy to read and the moments where I am confused are rare.

Now, this is all coming from an autistic person with low support needs. My reading comprehension score is considered slightly above average, and so is my problem-solving abilities which means I am lucky and I can understand a lot of what I read in college. The main point of this little "essay" was to point out a common conversation I despise hearing in college, the one about simple language and its implied inferiority.

Because guess what? Language is not accessible to everybody. Many of us, even those with high reading comprehension, struggle.

Our goal should never be to make everyone capable of reading college-level books and studies. That is asking for those who need accommodations to accommodate themselves, something I'm sure other disabled people are tired of having to do. Instead, the goal should be making college language more accessible, making knowledge accessible. After all, the reader is only a fragment of the conversation. The writer is the majority of it.

TLDR; Everyone deserves access to language and knowledge that makes sense, and bigger words never mean they are better.

[gryficowa]

Once upon a time, the USA appropriated the pride of Poles for fighting for independence and believed that it was thanks to the USA that Poland became independent, and not because of Poles who risked their lives sitting in tunnels, or those few who saved people from concentration camps (They talk about those who saved Jews, but there is no mention of those who saved more vulnerable groups because they were harder to hide)

Today, many Americans see how "the USA" helps in the fight for countries to become independent, the USA loves to take credit for everything when in practice it does shit and often too late, it prefers to create propaganda ala Donald Duck that it is best to be an American because you are free (Tia… Free, protesters say hello), because all other countries are evil, because they are victims of colonization

Americans are empty pride, consisting in antagonizing victims for their own benefit, American pride is simply propaganda saying that other countries are worse because they are "Backward" compared to them (And this is how they perceive other people, and for years this has been visible towards Muslims)

If Americans take Palestine's success as their own, we will have plenty of evidence of how "America" ​​helped Palestine (By providing weapons to the colonizer)

You succeeded once because there was no Internet, it won't happen again, the USA loves to take the successes of people from other countries to promote how the USA is cool and other countries can't cope without them (When in practice it is a country attacking other countries and appropriating their successes)

The USA does not help other countries, it appropriates their successes to be proud of them, because "it was thanks to the USA that we succeeded"

No, Americans, it wasn't you who made Poland independent, it was Poles who risked their lives who did it, you didn't care about us all that time, until one day you woke up because you preferred to create troops instead of saving people and punishing the Third Reich right away when people were sent to concentration camps (If you had reacted faster, there wouldn't be so many victims)

What America is doing (which is nothing) is what it has always done, and many proud Americans have been buying American propaganda

But it was better to make cartoons with racist shit towards Asians, because it was the best solution for you…

Instead of fighting Nazis and genociders, it's better to create animated shit that dehumanizes various groups…

Stop appropriating the achievements of countries when you did nothing to stop the holocaust years ago, when it started, so many people would not have died, Jews, Poles, Roma, same minorities, gays, trans people, people with disabilities… Now you don't nothing to stop Israel, and yet you help it by providing weapons, to murder civilians…

Poland was a country left to itself, it had to deal with the colonizers (Nazis), and now many liars accuse Poles of collaborating with the Nazis (Thank you America for spreading propaganda, it's funny that you left out the Zionists, but then it would mean attacking the Jews according to your logic... Better to attack Muslims, right?)

Well, I'm sorry, but America is to blame for the Holocaust and what's happening in Gaza (Genocide)

The fact that liberals think this country is exceptional and progressive is disgusting, you have fucking paid medical care, where the fuck is the progress? You have legal guns so yeah you let crazy people have guns to use them and then you fucking blame the games

Yes, I will be harsh with liberals and the USA itself, because it's sick that for years they could appropriate successes or spread propaganda that it was thanks to them that something was successful (Fatalities? Fuck!), yes, there are a lot of great Americans, but it shouldn't be to keep silent about the fact that the USA is rotten (And no, it's not because of this "Bad woke", and by praising this country in the media and such, when in practice the USA is backward on many levels, hello, Americans get angry about Canadian and American cartoons because of cultural differences in covering topics that are too uncomfortable for conservative Americans)

America is a funny joke and by the way, we Europeans don't swim in aquariums

[multiversed-daydreamer]

Pet

Pairing: Dark!Joel x Dark!Tess x Mildly!Disabled!Reader

Summary: Joel and Tess spot you, new to the QZ and immediately take an interest in you. However, they'll discover you're smarter than you look and not so easily trusting as they might like.

A/N: A spooky fic for the spooky season. Let me know if you want me to continue. This chapter isn't too spooky but it'll get there next chapter and so forth. Thank you @patti7dc for the beta read. I appreciate you! Check out my Masterlist for more!

Tags: MDNI, Mentions of kidnapping, Mentions of potential noncon, Stalking, Manipulative!Tess, Reader has a mild physical disability but can work.

You grit your teeth in annoyance as sweat drips down your temple. It was annoyingly hot and working outside with the sun beating down on you hasn’t helped. Neither did the giant fire raging right next to you. Ugh. Body burning detail. It paid better than most, which is why you took the shift, but you’ll never get used to the rancid smell of cooked flesh. You’re not strong enough to lift the bodies, but you help shovel the ash out and keep the fire burning. You were relieved to learn you weren’t the only one on shift to not be able to lift a body, there were plenty of others that taught you how to tend the fire and where to put the dead ash to keep yourself busy for an entire shift. 

~

He watches you discreetly. You’re far too distracted trying to keep up with everyone else to notice him. He prefers it that way for now. He’d first seen you a few months ago, new to the Zone and trying to figure out how rations work and what jobs were the best to take. From what he could tell, you went back and forth between the easier jobs, like street sweeping and wall painting to cover up Firefly propaganda, to the harder jobs that paid a bit more, body burning and sewer maintenance. What had initially caught his attention about you was the fact that you had some kind of disability. You limp when you walk, and your hands seem to shake when focused on a task that requires finer motor skills, such as counting out rations or writing your name on a sign-up sheet pinned to the wall. It also shows when you talk, your speech is slurred as if you’d been drinking. It has him wondering why the fuck FEDRA has you working. Sure, you’re technically abled-bodied, but they should at least help you out a little bit by reducing your weekly mandatory shifts. 

~

Tess notices you at a market about two weeks after you get to the Zone. She notes immediately that you’re not with anybody, seemingly quiet and observant. She also picks up on the tension in your body when people veer into your personal space, looking very much like a frightened animal. She nudges Joel who had been trying to barter down a price for a can of peaches. “Let it go, we’ll get some from Bill and Frank next week.” She whispers to him, her eyes never leaving you. Tess doesn’t work many shifts, instead choosing to stay hidden and playing her role as everyone’s boss in the shadows. FEDRA often looks the other way, due to discount prices on pills they sell to the officers, and the knowledge that Tess and Joel practically run the QZ anyway. She nods toward you. “Who’s Little Red Riding Hood?” She asked curiously. 

Joel looks around the market before spotting you in an oversized red sweatshirt with your hood up, as if you don’t want people to look at you. “Oh. Haven’t caught her name yet. She showed up about two weeks ago on body burning detail of all shifts.” He scowls at the reminder, he still has no clue why FEDRA would let you take such a shift. Sure, you’re a hard worker, but it’s got to be awful on your body. It’s too hard on him, but a little thing like you? He shakes his head and looks away. Fucking FEDRA pricks. 

Tess watches him curiously for a moment, her eyebrows raising at his words. “No shit? I’d assume she’d be able to get away with painting the whole week.”

“I’ve seen her paintin’ a couple ‘a times. They don’t offer it every day.” His eyes flick back to you before meeting Tess’s again. They were comfortable in what they had together, but every once in a while, they found it fun to bring in a young submissive playmate for a night or two. Often clients they sell to, most of them hit on Joel anyway, and a fair share flirt with Tess as well. It wasn’t hard for either of them to find a willing sub. ‘Pets’ they call them. Young twenty-something boys or girls take back to their shared apartment and use as an outlet when neither of them feels like submitting to the other. “Are you interested?” He asked, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice, trying not to let on that he was very interested in more than just one night with this one. No. He wants to keep this one. Safe and unbothered by the harsh labors FEDRA inflicted on everybody else. 

Again, Tess raises an eyebrow at him. “Are you?” Not bothering to hide the shock in her voice. Joel shrugs as they move through the crowd. They follow her at a distance, neither one of them knowing if it’s intentional yet or not. “I mean, if you’re serious, we need to have an actual discussion about it.” He nods, she’s right. This one is far different than any of the others. 

“Yes, I’m serious. And you’re right, we need to plan first.” He admits. They finish their business in the market, keeping an eye on you for the time that they can before leaving to head back home. Once they are inside, Tess turns to eye Joel, who is setting a small pack of beans on the table, their only find for today. It’s a good thing they’re heading up to Lincoln soon. 

“So,” she started, crossing her arms and leaning against the counter. “This girl… she’s not at all our usual type.”

Joel settles into a chair, sighing as he stretches his legs. “Ain’t that the truth? Real skittish like, from what I’ve seen. Eager to prove herself though. Wants to keep up with everyone else.” 

Tess nods, he certainly has her interest with his unusual find in their next potential playmate. “She with anyone?” 

“Nah. Not from what I can tell. Comes alone, and goes home alone. Haven’t seen much of her outside of shift, but she wasn’t with anyone today.”  

Tess nods, thinking. “Any interactions?” He shakes his head. 

“She’s a shy one, doesn’t seem like she’s comfortable enough to even want friends yet. But she’s polite, professionally friendly, but not overly so. Mostly keeps to herself from what I can see.” 

“And how exactly do you plan on approaching her with this?” 

Joel goes quiet for a long moment, thinking. “I’m not gonna be the one approaching. You will.” Tess scoffs, shaking her head, already shutting him down. He leans forward, holding up a hand to stop her oncoming protests. “She’ll likely trust a woman sooner than she’d trust a man. If you’re the one to approach her, you’ll have a better shot. I can tell you’re not completely onboard anyway, if you’re the one to try and get her up here, you might be more game for this. Or if you decide you don’t want her, we can look somewhere else. “ 

Tess nods along. “Alright. I’ll see.” 

~

You’ve been here for about a month and this is only the second day you’ve managed to get off. You make your way through the crowded streets. Damn, did everybody get today off? You head into the market, you have saved up quite a few rations, and are hoping to get enough to last you at least until your next day off. 

You buy an extra pair of shoelaces for one card, it can’t hurt just to have. You’re perusing a table with canned soup and bags of beans on it when you feel someone brush up against your shoulder. You glance over to catch somebody wearing a brown jacket next to you. You step over to give her some room, paying five rations for a bag of beans and four rations for two cans of soup before gathering your purchases in a bag you brought with you. 

“Haven’t seen you around before.” A woman to your left says. This time you do look at the person who’d brushed against you. She’s tall with long light brown hair and attentive green eyes like it was uncommon for her to not know strangers. Her mouth was crooked in a way that could’ve been a grimace or a smirk, you couldn’t tell which it actually was. 

“It’s a big QZ. Crowded too. I haven’t seen you around either.” You return, watching her mouth curl into a definitive smirk. Her eyes trace down your body, and you wonder if she's sizing you up for dinner. Fuck. You hadn’t meant to offend. 

“When’d you get here?” She asked as if already knowing it hadn’t been long. 

“About a month ago. What about you?”  

She chuckles at your response, “Hmmm. About twelve years back now. Arrived with a whole group.” 

You watch her for a moment. You want to ask how they all managed to make it, but you worried it would give away far too personal information about your own trek here. So you nod and step away from the stall, planning to say an awkward ‘nice to meet you’ before disappearing, but the woman steps with you, seemingly more interested in you than the food she initially came to buy. 

“I’m Tess.” She holds out a hand to you, and your own intrigue rises when you notice that she's wearing rings. Jewelry isn’t too common anymore, outside of keepsake necklaces and wedding rings. The sight of some that had multiple rings clearly just to wear has you fighting not to raise an eyebrow. 

You take her hand after a moment, pronouncing your own name slowly as you shake her hand. Her grip is firm and her fingers are warm when they curl around yours.  She repeats it back to you and you can’t help a little smile when she gets it correct the first time. A lot of people don’t understand you the first time, it’s always a small victory when a few people do. 

You and Tess end up walking the market together. She explains certain booths and why they’re there. She gives you small tidbits of information on some of the people you cross too. Nothing personal, just what they buy or sell and why it could be useful depending on the circumstances. 

Afterward, she ends up walking you home too. You notice people eyeing you two curiously, and you wonder why people would suddenly take interest. You’re pretty sure she hadn’t even realized the attention the two of you are gaining, or if she does she’s ignoring it. She’d been asking you questions about why you came to the QZ and who you came with. You’d answered the first, but not the second. You’d been alone by the time you’d made it to Boston, but you had zero interest in letting anybody know that. 

“I left with a group, we made our way here.” 

“Any of them make it with you?” She inquired. It was awfully bold of her to ask, but part of you immediately liked her because of that boldness. All day Tess had been blunt, bold, and confident. Someone who doesn’t bother to sugarcoat things, something you appreciate, because you hate trying to sugarcoat things as well. It often leaves people thinking you mean something else, or that something isn’t as bad as it seems, which could be deadly in today's cordyceps-infested world. 

You don’t want to lie to Tess. You think you might actually like Tess, but she’s still a stranger, and you don’t want her to know you’re on your own. “Just a handful.” You say absently not meeting her eyes. Drawing to a pause on the sidewalk in front of your building. 

She stops with you, shifting to the side so you two aren’t blocking traffic. You notice a few people raising an eyebrow at you and Tess as they pass, and again, you wonder about their interest. “Did I make you uncomfortable?” She asks. She doesn’t sound offended or apologetic, simply curious. 

“Uh… No.” You shake your head, focusing on her and not the people around you. “No, this is my building. I’m probably gonna head up. Curfew probably isn’t that far off.” You nod to the darkening sky up ahead. 

“Oh.” She glances at the building, eyeing it for a moment, before nodding and turning to give you a small smile. “Well, I’m glad I can walk you home.” You chuckle at that. “It was nice to meet you.” 

“Yeah. You too. Have a good night!” You turn and climb the steps to your building ducking inside. You glance back at Tess and give her a polite nod when she says ‘you too’ before turning and heading up to the apartment you now call home. You sigh as you unlock your door and get in, setting your stuff on the flimsy dining room table and going back to lock up for the evening. You sit on a chair and stare at the bag on the table. You did far more interacting than you’d planned on today. It was the longest conversation you’d held in weeks and now you’re exhausted. Your energy level was depleted by Tess, the pretty woman with bright green eyes who seemed to know the actual answers to the questions she’d asked you before you told them. With the rings on her hands, and the curious stares from everybody you’d passed by today. She was clearly somebody. Who she was though… You had no clue. 

~

So Joel had a point. Big fuckin’ whoop. They were currently sitting across from each other at their table, drinking whiskey they’d gotten from Bill. Tess was recounting her day with you to Joel, who had opted to stay in today to keep from raising too many suspicions. 

“The whole damn QZ was lookin’ at us today.” Tess groused as she took a sip of her drink. 

Joel chuckles. “Good. Maybe they’ll take a hint and keep their fuckin’ distance from her.” He mutters, not bothering to hide his possessive intent. 

Tess watches him with amusement sparking in her eyes. “You’ve never had issues with any of the others interacting with people.” She points out softly. 

He meets her gaze head-on. “I want to keep her.” He states bluntly. Tess doesn’t seem surprised by this, judging by his behavior, he’d given himself away. Joel knows that if Tess isn’t interested he can fuckin’ forget about it, though. She told him all about her day with you. How she’d gotten your name and you had seemed completely oblivious to who Tess was. A surprise, honestly, considering you’d been here a month already. Damn, you must really be keeping your head low. It’s only a matter of time before you do hear about them though, he’d seen you getting closer to a few of the other regulars on the shifts he’s taken with you. 

“She’s smart. Perceptive too. She definitely took notice of people watching us today.” Tess leans forward, raising a challenging eyebrow at Joel. “What happens when she figures out who we are and she wants nothing to do with us?” 

That was another difference in you as a choice for their games. The others knew exactly what Joel and Tess were capable of and wanted to play their game anyways, hell, they were often also involved in shady shit of their own. Sometimes with Joel and Tess, and sometimes outside of them with others. 

You were new and clueless, and from what they’ve gathered from you, you had zero interest in getting your hands dirty outside of actual work detail. Joel sat back and groaned, bringing his own drink to his lips and downing the whole thing in one go. He grimaced, making a puckered face at the bitter alcohol. Everyone they’ve brought home with them had been more than consenting. Joel finally found a potential pet that he wants to actually keep and it’s a high possibility that she might turn them down entirely. Consent had never been a problem before now. Technically they could just find someone else. It wouldn’t be too hard to find a willing partner. But Joel didn’t want to find someone else. He wanted you. “She’s… not supposed to be working in the condition she’s in. She’s going to hurt herself.” 

“And it’s supposed to be our job to take care of her?” Tess challenges. 

“It could be. She’d probably submit easily. She’s tiny and disabled, it’s not like she’d be a challenge for either of us.”

Tess just watches him, her face carefully not showing any emotion. “You want to take her hostage?” It’s not like they haven’t taken hostages in the past. But they’ve never taken hostages in their apartment inside the QZ, and certainly never considered holding a playmate hostage. 

Joel sighs, pouring himself another two fingers of whiskey before answering. “Preferably not. But I don’t want to let her go either.” 

Tess considers this for a long moment. “If she says no, and we keep her anyways we’re going to need to come up with a plan. She’s wary enough as is, getting her up here is going to take a while.” She pauses, Jesus. This is going to be way more work than necessary for a single pet. “Well, if we do hold her hostage, we have to keep her. Are you sure she’s the one you want?” 

“Yes,” Joel answers her without hesitation. He shifts a little in his seat, trying to hide his own anticipation for what’s to come. 

Tess watches him with shrewd eyes and knocks back her own drink. “Me too. Let’s figure out a plan, and start puppy-proofing.” She jokes. 

~

While you are curled up in bed for the night, trying to find some rest, Joel and Tess are across the QZ making plans to make sure you never leave their bed.

~

Next

[tavyliasin]

Disability Pride Essays - Enver Gortash, Invisible Disability, and Visible Mobility Aids

Our focus this month has mostly been on our heroes (or perhaps, in some cases and paths, antiheroes, but companions nonetheless), but what about the villains? Gortash might not be the most sympathetic character, given all the morals he doesn’t have, but he’s important, popular, and altogether quite fascinating. This bonus round will take a look at a few of the more subtle details in his character, from the mobility aid to some things people have noticed in how he moves and interacts. There is a lot to be said about his traumatic backstory and how this impacted his life and decisions to where his moral compass does not point where most would prefer, but it would be a disservice to pretend that all disabled people - and indeed all disabled representation - are beyond criticism and are somehow icons of perfection. We are, I’m afraid to say, just as flawed as anyone else~ Which of course does not mean that we’re all out there making plans to dominate the world with a captured Elder Brain. That’s a little much…

What is Gortash’s Disability?

Gortash is far from the youngest of the adult characters, but he is also not of a typical age that one would expect to see mobility difficulties. And that is exactly what we have on the surface - though it is only seen in a couple of scenes, he has a rather ornate cane which is used for walking at times. There’s also an element of mental health with Gortash, and whilst we could do a deep dive into the causes I don’t feel that’s entirely necessary - the effect is in a few subtle details that some players might have missed.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

A lot of what we see is in Gortash’s outfit and inventory, though some have also pointed out that the way he walks and uses stairs looks very similar to how someone with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome might move (this condition is characterised by a weakening of connective tissues, leading to a higher chance of dislocation in joints and potentially differences in range of motion as tendons and ligaments are looser). This was fascinating to hear and I feel like I should absolutely go back and look at the scenes to see if I can spot those subtle shifts in motion and posture, though it is important to point out that quite simply you cannot always tell if someone is disabled or in pain just by observing them. There is the cane mentioned before, that is only in a couple of scenes but has made such an impact that it quite often makes an appearance in fan-created works, too. Another key item is his coat, which many refer to affectionately as “The Anxiety Jacket” - this might on the surface seem like a practical item to protect him from the influence of magical effects that cause conditions such as Fear, but many like to see it as a garment that also reduced anxiety and other similar symptoms. We can also see the gauntlets he wears as being a parallel to forearm and hand braces - though they’re not particularly accurate to actual support equipment, there are plenty of people who will wear specifically adapted braces in those areas. They might even have a couple of fingers uncovered as Gortash does, in order to better manipulate objects and prevent accidental scratches/injury from natural reactions like rubbing one’s eye when it’s sore/tired.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

The cane is a very direct parallel, even in how it is not present in every scene with him. We only see it a couple of times, but it’s there enough for many of us to take note and to perhaps feel a little validation and representation from that. A lot of people who use an aid like a cane may not need it every single day, and use it only as and when required to maintain their strength but without struggling needlessly on bad days or risking making things worse. So whilst an argument could be made that “the cane he uses is only decorative” that doesn’t quite add up, as surely he would have it with him when holding the huge event to impress all the patriars - more on that later though. With the gloves, braces and even compression gloves are common accessibility aids that can support and protect joints and reduce pain. Granted, ornate golden metal is not usually the first choice, but like the cane we can see this as Enver making his mobility aids match his outfit/style. Plenty of us do seek out more stylish mobility aids, or otherwise decorate them with all sorts of things from stickers and paint to badges and keychains. It would be very interesting to see braces or supports styled like Gortash’s bracers and gauntlets. His coat could also be a parallel to how some people find a lot of comfort and anxiety relief from weighted blankets or even weighted garments that apply a level of pressure to the body in just the right way to feel soothing. This is particularly known for anxiety and neurodivergent people, though plenty of others have also found this to be helpful and calming.

Invisible Conditions and The Importance of Appearances

So in the community you might see people talk about Visible Disability and Invisible Illness (illness and disability are interchangeable here). What this refers to is whether a condition is something that people can instantly recognise, and usually won’t question. This might be a mobility aid like a wheelchair or crutches, or a white cane for visual impairments/blindness, or a service dog, or visible braces for joints. There are some borderline ones like walking canes which are a visible signal of disability but might not always be respected as such, particularly if the user looks younger and not the expected elderly person using a cane to walk. But many people who still need accessibility services and options - like disabled parking spaces or to use the lift instead of stairs - may not have any of these visible differences. It may be a heart and lung issue, or chronic pain that doesn’t require a mobility aid, a fluctuating severity condition, mental health and developmental/learning difficulties - numerous conditions can affect people in ways that are not immediately recognisable, so we call them invisible.  When you look at Gortash only having his cane for a couple of scenes and not in others, and how the gauntlets specifically serve another purpose of holding the netherstone, you can argue that his conditions are mostly invisible ones. Or that he is attempting to keep them that way, at least. He holds a position of high regard and clearly to some degree cares about appearances given how ornate his clothing is and how he presents himself as a powerful and charismatic leader of his people.

Were he to walk out in front of the crowds using a cane, it would more than likely turn a few heads, or even appear to be a weakness to those who might use it against him for their own gain. To someone with as large a target on your back as he has, even with all of the power of being Bane’s chosen, it’s unwise to give anyone an opening.  

Mobility Aids and The Anxiety Jacket

There are a lot of different mobility aids that people use in their daily lives, and some are even ones that are not needed every day. It isn’t unreasonable to suggest that actually Gortash’s use of the cane is like a part time mobility aid user - he doesn’t need it every day, but he does need it on a bad day when a symptom is flaring up or he has to do more than he usually would. The jacket might also, as well as acting in a similar way to a weighted blanket, be akin to how some people have favoured clothing items that give them comfort. Something like a jumper or jacket, a hoodie that is comfortable and feels safe to wear. Keeping things stylised, as mentioned earlier, is just another way that people incorporate their mobility and accessibility aids into their personal tastes. It’s similar to how people prefer to choose glasses that they feel look nice - it’s not just about the function of the item, technically any style of glasses will serve the purpose of correcting someone’s vision easily. They’re there all the time, so having them coordinate with your sense of style and taste is logical, and can make you feel more confident and positive about wearing them. It’s the same as anything really - you choose a coat not just for how it keeps the cold and/or rain out, but also for how it looks. Mobility aids aren’t always so interchangeable - it’s tough to afford or even store a whole range of wheelchairs or crutches - so choosing the right one and making it fit is important at the start. Enver’s cane is ornate, and in keeping with the themes of other things he wears all the time. As a game character, naturally he just has the one recognisable outfit, but it’s plausible to say that were he to have a more varied wardrobe it’s unlikely there would be anything that clashes with gold and black as a colour scheme. 

Function and fashion, essentially, don’t need to be entirely separate, even when we’re talking about disabilities. 

City Design and Accessible Buildings

Now, I might be remembering entirely incorrectly on this point, but from my memory and the screenshots I was looking at, it seems like Wyrm’s Rock Keep might actually have full step free access. There is a lift (elevator) that goes up to the upper floors for the coronation and to upper rooms, and I don’t recall seeing steps at either drawbridge entrance or in the doorways to the publicly accessible rooms either. It’s an odd point to bring up, and hardly seems relevant to the rest of the game, but I do want to invite you for a moment to think about the game map and your own local area. In the game, there are a huge amount of places only accessed by stairs, streets that are cobbled and bumpy, a complete lack of accessible routes. Of course it is a fantasy game where there is magical healing, but if you want to go into deep lore then there can still be disabilities in fantasy settings, and magical healing is very expensive. Adventurers end up with plenty of coin, but this is from selling things they find or steal, from rewards for completing tasks that carry a strong risk of death to each, from killing foes and raiding their pockets for loose change (I’m not judging you, it’s a game and they don’t exactly have a Will tucked into their back pocket telling you who to give their coin to). The average citizen, however? The amount needed to pay for high level healing spells or potions is more money than they would make in over 50 years, and that’s if they didn’t have daily living expenses to account for. So to pull that back into the real world, look at the world around you. Each business you enter, notice for a moment - does it have a stepped entrance? Anything more than an inch could prevent a disabled person from entering. Is the speech or conference you are watching being interpreted by someone using sign language? Are there braille marks on important buttons like door openings or bus stop bells? Have textured paths that white cane users need as guides for routes been blocked by anything? Is there enough space for a mobility aid user to safely navigate between aisles and displays in a shop? Sometimes it can seem like there is no need to add accessibility, because you’re not seeing disabled people around who need them. But to that I like to remind people of two key points - first, if a place isn’t accessible, we can’t even try to be there in the first place (or we don’t want to give our business to someone who has not thought of basic access needs), and secondly we are still a minority, so the percentage of us in the population whilst still significant is far lower than abled people.

What We Can Learn From Gortash’s Story

It feels strange to say “hey let’s learn about this unrepentant villain and how he can represent us” but the thing is we do need diverse representation. Just as we shouldn’t have villains be the only characters to portray disability (directly or indirectly), it would also be unfair to have disabled characters only permitted to be pure and virtuous. Disabled people, and disabled characters who represent them, are people. Whole entire people with wants and dreams, needs and desires, faults and flaws and mistakes and everything that makes us all human. We cannot - and should not - boil them down to only being their disability. Gortash can be representative of how people’s conditions may vary, how some days they may need a cane but others they might not. He might be an example of someone who hides their condition, or whose needs vary from day to day. It’s good to remember that in real life someone who is disabled might be able to do something one day, but not the next. It doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be entitled to help that they need to do that thing on the days they can’t, nor should you be assuming they always need the support if it isn’t being requested or used. He can also show us how mobility aids and supports do not need to only be functional. If someone can afford to have a gold inlaid ornately carved cane, why shouldn’t they? If someone wants to have braces or joint supports that are decorated and match their outfits, that should always be an option available to them. I would also like to invite you to take the time to look at the world around you and thing about how things may be accessible or inaccessible to someone with different needs to your own. As a wheelchair user myself, when I started using wheels to get around I was taken aback by just how needlessly difficult it can be. Businesses with steps, curbs not properly dropped to allow for road crossings, vehicles parked too far across pavements and footpaths, even accessible toilet facilities being used to store extra bins or other supplies because there’s more space in there - forgetting, of course, that wheelchair users need that extra floor space to be able to enter, turn, and navigate when inside. If you do notice that a business doesn’t have a step-free entrance, that there’s no lift or level crossing to change platforms at a train station, that a car park has no disabled spaces, please consider speaking up or notifying whoever is responsible for the area.

I’ll round this one off to remind us all that it’s ok to find parts of ourselves in a villain’s story, and even to feel a connection to a fictional villain. Love them, too, if you like - I know I often do~ You can find a whole breakdown of why I feel we like fictional villains - and how this does not make us bad people - right here.

[trashpandacraft]

tour de fleece (crash)

ok, so the tour de fleece ended, and i...did not do so great. i did really well for the first bit, and then we went to sheep and wool. and sheep and wool was amazing and delightful and i had an amazing time, but also: i'm disabled, and the crash from putting out that much energy was, uh, intense. i basically couldn't do anything for a week, and even spinning on my eel wheel in bed was too much to manage.

so i didn't. i picked up over the weekend, the last two days of the tour, and (very slowly) managed to spin some lovely rambouillet that i think will stay a singles—we'll see what it looks like after it's had a week to chill out on the bobbin.

(yeah, there's a couple little pigtaily bits, but (1) i literally finished the spin about thirty seconds before taking this photo, and (2) i prefer to spin at very low tension for most things, so it doesn't always wind on evenly. i suspect they'll go away.)

i'm not thrilled about how this ended for me, but when i made my tour de fleece plans, we hadn't decided to go to bendigo yet, so they were sort of overly ambitious. i also, uh, thought that the tour de fleece ran the entirety of july, and not just the first three weeks? so i thought that i had more time that i did, right until i started seeing people posting about the final stretch and went WAIT WHAT?

goals (link to original) and how they went:

spin a chunky yarn. i absolutely did not do this, and didn't even really think about it. i may just...keep not doing it. i still don't enjoy chunky yarns. maybe that's fine.

spin a singles yarn. see above! this one actually worked out ok, i think. i'm pretty sure it's going to stay a singles, and at minimum, it could stay a singles if i wanted it to.

spin some sock yarn. i didn't expect to finish this in july, but actually, yes i did! unwashed, it's about 25 wpi, which i'm pleased with. (it'll puff up some, but it's fairly firm, so i think not a ton.) unfortunately, i once again succumbed to the fallacy that i knit socks from 100g of commercial yarn, so 100g of fibre should be plenty for socks! it. is not. i think that washed up, i'll have about 225m, which might be enough for like, ankle socks. i'm gonna try, anyhow, but next time i say the words 'spinning for socks', someone please remind me that i want to spin at least 150g.

spin a breed i've never spun before. not a breed, and not much of it, but i actually did spin some bamboo fibre this month, and that's the first time i spun it and it wasn't a blend, so i think that counts.

spin this chunk of polwarth i dyed a few weeks back and am desperate to get my hands into. this was a just-for-fun addition that i absolutely did not get to, and am mad about. it's probably what i'm spinning next.

dye some wool in colours i don't usually use—the red-orange-yellow end of things. this was meant to be my second dye of the month, but didn't happen—the spin above is from fibre i dyed a couple years ago. i think it'll still happen in the near future, as my kid picked up a spindle at sheep and wool, and they fuckin love orange.

dye something brightly coloured. this one happened! i dyed some grey and white merino into a vivid purple. i'm thinking about blending in a little silk and sparkle.

make 20 rolags with hand cards. hahaha ha hahahaha no. i think i made four. the rolags will continue until the rolags improve, but i did not meet this goal even a little

stretch goals:

spin a four ply. surprisingly, yes! the sock yarn mentioned above is four ply, and i'm pretty pleased with it. i would, obviously, be more pleased if i'd remembered the whole density issue, but it's a very consistent four-ply sock weight, so i'm calling it a win.

spin a textured yarn. i did not do this. maybe later? maybe not, honestly. i feel like i should like textured yarns and chunky yarns and art yarns, but in my heart, i just don't. i'm impressed when other people make them, but maybe that's not reason enough to make them myself.

ok, spelling it all out like that makes me feel a little less bad. at no point did i say that i couldn't combine goals, so i achieved exactly half of those things. which isn't great, but isn't as bad as i thought. maybe next year i'll remember that 'do things you don't enjoy' doesn't really make for fun challenges for yourself, too.

[felassan]

In this post on the Insider Gaming article and this post on the Reddit screenshot etc leaks (spoiler warning for DA:D at links), I mentioned comments made by possible playtesters/similar folks on Reset Era from October 2022. since I referenced them and many people don't use that site, I thought I'd belatedly collect them here for reference. under a cut in case of DA:D spoilers -

first, the usual set of disclaimers that should be kept in mind with all leaks: might not be real, unable to verify at present, sometimes leakers think they’re right about things but are unintentionally incorrect or got some wires crossed, games change a fair bit between development phases and final release, take with grain of salt etc.

User: "Important to remember that this doesn’t mean the game is anywhere close to release. Still plenty to do and plenty that will be changed between now and release." Possible playtester or person who has otherwise seen or heard about the game (hereafter notating these users as "PP" for brevity): "At the very least I like the gameplay direction they are taking is better than the previous games, and they have a clear direction of where they want this game to go. Although I have always preferred actions rpgs, and am looking forward to the inspiration they took for combat." - PP2: "Folks should be excited but also expect a smaller scale game, plenty of people on the team have 'complained' that it doesn't feel AAA in scope." [...] "I would say just dont go in expecting something other WRPG are producing in terms of game size...if that makes sense lol" - User: "Totally fine, it sounds like it's gonna be a better version of Dragon Age 2, with fleshed out city + surroundings" PP1: "This is not a good description of DAD." - User: "For the love of the Maker, bring back the Darkspawn." PP1: "They did." - User: "I haven't been paying attention. Are they bringing back tactics, or are they leaning more towards the awesome button?" PP2: "They're leaning toward God of War/ Mass Effect over the shoulder combat." - User: "is it open world or splitted in several areas?" PP1: "Only saw certain linear zones, but whether it is all DAO/2 style zones or mixed open and linear zones like DAI is up in the air. I would prefer the latter with less grinding required to progress like everyone else of course." - User: "That's a bit disapointing, but as long as they have a coherent direction, it's still better than the last 2 game's attempt at spliting the baby in twain" PP1: "GOW 2018 style melee, so not mash button for success but timing, combos, mixing up skills, and playing on your build/skill strengths." - User: "ok but I need Knight Enchanter mage or gish equivalent" PP1: "I think with each class you choose at the beginning you can end up with three subclasses." - User: "Was what you played still party-based?" PP1: "Party commands were disabled, so how much control you have is also an unknown." -

User: "Does one [class] include a magical archer, something beyond the Tempest specialization in scope?" PP1: "Well my base class was a warrior type so there was no access to ranger or mage types, but the warrior does have a magic subclass." - User: "Oh wild lol. I thought this kind of stuff is usually under lots of NDA or something similar" PP1: "It is, helps that no one has leaked screenshots or footage." - User: "I figure you can’t say exactly when it happened, but given your mention of party commands being disabled, it guess it happened after the report of last year about the game shifting to a full SP experience, correct? It seems the action-based gameplay that was lightly teased by some devs before remained even when the game shifted to SP, given your impressions." PP1: "Yes, any part I have seen of the game was after that. This part is speculation, if they have open zones like DAI they can still pull off a live service similar to the last three AC games and it would have no effect on people strictly coming to the game for the story. I would even go as far as saying this might be positively received if they only have cosmetic BPs and mtx." - User: "I think dlcs of various forms, from story to outfits/weapon will still happen; even before, when the game was mentioned to be a live service one, they used DAO as something that already fit that definition. The game won’t go beyond that scope in terms of ‘live service’ though, given how much they’re starting DreadWolf is a full SP experience. Interestingly, from the blog update and the lead developer afterwards, ME seems to follow the same path." PP1: "Yeah I think dlc in terms of story expansions are a lock. If they ever want to tread the live service waters again, there is a great template for them to follow." - User: "the neon colored logo has me thinking this might go a very different direction than typical fantasy" PP1: "Not really." - PP1: "The second one [DAII] was quite literally hold a button to attack since the game was easy. The new one is not at all like that." - User: "Or if Dreadwolf even has a party-based system?" PP1: "Yes"

[source <- DA:D spoiler warning for link]

Notes: Posts from October 2022. Some of the stuff said is corroborated by the Reddit leak (e.g. no control of party members at timepoint when game was played, the part of the game that was made available to test being a linear zone). in some places PPs are speculating. and ofc screenshots/a bit of footage has now leaked on Reddit the other day.

[cptnbeefheart]

i felt like i read a lot of books last year and its true that i read more than most years but i think i literally only read 3 1/2 books. reading is something ive always really struggled with and i think it has to do with needing to be like super hyperfocussed. idk i feel like if im not retaining and acknowledging the absolute most detail that i absolutely can then im wasting time. so I go pretty slowly and take plenty of notes to reference when i don't quite understand something mentioned in passing that happened chapters ago . and if i dont take a day or two between reading to absorb everything i feel overwhelmed. the notes help with my memory issues or putting everything together in my head. anyway ive always been super insecure about it and it probably sounds like no fun and too much work to everyone else and well it is a lot of work. which is what draws me to it and also discourages me. anyway pointless post im just saying it requires so much effort to me and i think its mostly due to myself and not the learning disabilities LOL. i heard once that dyslexic people tend to memorize facts because they learn information differently ironically i memorized this fact and perhaps thats why i feel like i need to get every single detail. also its just fun i really enjoy comprehensive breakdowns and literary analysis. i hope to read more this year perhaps its also a mix of not knowing what genres i prefer. vonnegut i can pick up immediately without trying as hard as other texts. i also force myself to read classics which are a bit more difficult bc i feel like i have to decode what theyre saying. ok im done now bye p[lease dont change your opinion on me im actually really self couscous (<- silly way to say self conscious ) about it

[castleaudios]

Hello my dear castle.

You already know why I'm here so I'm not going to prolong the hellos.

I know the basics like werewolves and vampires can be shifted but what about things like wendigos? are those a thing? And is there any similar things to it?

Will you be including any mythology or is this based off of your own Universe completely?

How old do you prefer your audience?

What's your favorite theory on Glenwood?

We all know Ranger is afraid of hospitals... is there any other things they are scared of like lightning?

What stops our favorite podcaster from just learning about magical stuff and taking magical books out? Or accidentally drawing a rune?

Do different types of blood taste different for vampires? And do they have a specific preference?

In this universe can you be shifted into a werewolf by using the lycanthropous flower and wear it after sunset on the night of a full moon?  that's usually a thing that turns people into werewolves.

Are your vampires affected by running water?

Are there such thing as Wraiths in your universe?

Is there going to be any characters with wings? avian character? Or at least a mention of one?

How far are you planning to go into the lore on a scale of 1 to 10

Do vampires immediately combust or is it like a sunburn that slowly cooking you to death?

Are vampires able to bleed if so is it a different color or thicker? Like would it be a dark red or a blackish Brown instead of the light Crimson that humans have?

What do you think Claire's favorite song would be?

How do you visualize Claire? I know there's plenty of art but I would like to know what you see you when you think about Claire.

Does Beth have any scars?

Who do you think is the strongest in each category like physical strength? magical strength? spiritual strength? mental strength?

How long has Ranger been a ranger? How strong would they be?

Does any of your characters have any physical or mental disabilities?

Blood magic in your Universe seems interesting could you explain it a little bit more? Like how long until the blood is not able to be used anymore? Or can the user stop someone from bleeding out or make them bleed out? (Add anything you think would be nice to know in any of these)

You said something about everyone having their own unique Magic but what would happen with twins or triplets or more?

How old is her majesty exactly?

Can ancestry help choose your magic in any way?

Do past lives exist and can that alter what magic you get?

What happens if someone uses magic against the law? is they're a special jail?

How far can something go until it's no longer Magic? is there a scale for how much Magic? Like if you only have a speck of magic in your soul and can't really use it... would you really be considered a magical creature or not?

Ranger sounds like someone with a very depressing childhood. He probably wears autism socks. (Sorry I just had to diss him a little bit... I do love him though...)

What's Claire's favorite color? (She seems like the type of person who would like Navy maybe some dark blues and yellows)

How old would you have to be to be considered a vampire king or queen?

Is brushing your teeth harder as a shifter? (If their teeth even change that is)

Do they have a Walmart?

Is Ranger Canadian? they seem Canadian. ( at this point I'm just making Ranger into whatever the hell I am... poor Ranger...)

Beth looks like the person to sleep with 30 blankets and those old grandpa pajamas.

Since there's advanced version of magic is there an advanced version of alchemy?(please touch Alchemy... nobody does.. and I'm getting desperate here... even if it's just a little caress... you can like barely poke it just give me Alchemy... please...)

Since Beth has 30 blankets now which one do you think is her favorite or would be her favorite?

What happens when they can't track down a magic user? a new one in specific?

Have you ever had Pringles? if so what's your favorite type? (My favorite is pizza.)

How much money does Claire make being the alpha?

Do any of the listeners have any siblings?

Does any of the characters have any siblings?

Can non-human blood work in blood Magic? Would it have different property's?

That's all the questions I have for now! Thank you my dear Castle. ❤

Alright, it's taken me long enough to sit down and go through all these questions. I won't be able to answer every single one, but I'll o my best! Let's go:

For the sake of being respectful to other cultures, we're sticking with the more basic idea of shifters and mythical creatures, that includes Mythologies.

I generally prefer my audience to be 18+ but I understand that's a hard thing to monitor when it comes to the internet. My content isn't necessarily inappropriate, but you'll never see any content on my channel in a high school setting.

My favorite Glenwood theory is that Alexander survived and is waiting to take revenge.

Our Ranger is pretty fearless despite their dislike for hospitals

The magical books are covered with a Glamour spell so Abby will skim past them while researching. Runes don't inherently work, even if she drew an accurate one.

Different blood types don't taste different, but that doesn't stop vampire society as a whole from being in on the joke and talking about blood types like types of wine.

In my universe, either you were born as a shifter or you weren't, you can't be turned into a werwolf.

Vampires are not effects by running water

I've thought of including Wraiths in the channel! Though I have no plans as of right now

Avian characters are in consideration and will make an appearance eventually

I'm hoping to go into lore at the very least 7/10

Vampires can take about three minutes in direct sunlight before they're burned into ash. The can be severely burned in those few minutes.

Vampires, in my universe, don't bleed. Their insides are still red, though.

Beth does have some scars, but they're more from being a reckless child growing up rather than any incidents.

Physical Strength: Claire.(not considering vampiric strength) Magical Strength: TBA (We haven't met her yet) Spiritual Strength: Evie. Mental Strength: Rose.

Ranger has been at their job for about 5 years

Honestly, I'm planning to make a whole explanation on blood magic.

When it comes to twins and magical auras, they would be similar but there would still be subtle differences. If we compare it to having a certain color as you aura, twins or triplets would have different shades of the same color.

Ancestry only really has a hand in shifter magic or having magic in the family at all. You can't perfect your lineage's magical ability

There is a judicial system within the Bureau of Magic which incarcerates magic users who break the law.

Magic can't really be measured, but if you are able to access magic, then you're able to use it. There's no variation in the starting amounts. Just like a muscle, magic needs to be trained and nourished in order to become stronger, so if you don't practice, then that dictates how much magic you can use.

It seems that many people have claimed Ranger as (lovingly) having a touch of the 'tism so they def had autism socks.

Claire is a big fan of rich jewel tones

Vampire Kings and Queens don't have to be a certain age to earn the title, a vampire of any age can rule over a Court. However, Celine is considered a Vampire Prime after living past 500 years and presiding over several Courts.

Brushing their teeth isn't harder, but werewolf children grow up with their teeth being a little larger than average, including their canine's, so many will wear braces to hide the size of their teeth until they "grow into them"

Glenwood does, in fact, have a Walmart

Beth has an ungodly blanket collection. Her favorite would be one she got from her mom.

I promise to touch on the topic of alchemy in the future, I just need to do some research before including it so it actually makes sense!

I have had Pringles! My favorite are the honey barbecue flavor

Claire makes enough money to put the entire pack into an early retirement based on her agreement with Celine. Other than that, being the Alpha does not actually have any monetary benefit.

Listeners having siblings is up for interpretation! Characters on the other hand, Claire and Beth are only children. Abby has four siblings. Evie has a little brother.

Non-human blood can work in blood magic, regardless of the different properties.

PHEW!! All done! I'm not even gonna think about how many typos I have in this but it's DONE! Hopefully that cleared some stuff up!

[vireserein]

TL;DR: Obvious amputee struggles, hidden hEDS hijinks, failed attempt at mooning church ladies with my sexy yoga talents.

Invisible disabilities are still disabilities, and even if people can't outwardly see what you struggle with, you have the right to look "unsightly" or "inappropriate" in public to take care of yourself. This is taking medications, this is sitting down, this is doing whatever you need to do to keep your body happy and healthy. I'm used to being very obviously different with a congenital forearm amputation that doesn't really get in the way of my life besides the occasional inconveniently short microwave handles (can't get my residual joints behind them) or the way strangers and family often treat me in public for it (very poorly; this is my main struggle and I'd go so far as to say social separation is my main lifestyle difference. I am always unsightly in public.) . . . But the less notable side of my body, which is a progressively worsening diagnosis of hEDS that I've been dealing with for half of my life, is something I am still getting used to accepting and managing. With or without a lot of physical therapy, supplements, rest, and preventative care, I have issues that won't go away. Lately, this means that I can't sit up straight or stand for long periods of time, and very often need to do strange little jigs to get my ribs back into their parking spots in my poorly-oiled upper back— essentially, I can't look proper in quiet spaces. As a woman attending a tri-city snooty-suburb church primarily composed of prim-and-proper older ladies and their equally judgy sheltered tweenagers who would have a conniption at the idea our planet Earth being over 6,000 years old or, God literally forbid, people being themselves, I have at least one personal worst place to have three ribs twist themselves out of me so suddenly while mid- un-pretzelifying my body (to avoid back pain on a shitty pew) (also read: standing up like I'm an overburdened robot). That said, I love my community for the things they do correctly, and I love and prefer the church I attend while at my university for being much kinder, more open-minded, science-loving people.

So anyway, you do what you have to do, even if this means gasping like a fish with a harmonica stuck in its throat, squeezing past 10 of those people very forcefully, and lumpily skittering out of the room (picture a constipated armadillo. I'm fond of my parenthetical similes if you can't tell) to the aghast spite of plenty to put your rebellious skeleton back together in the bathroom, hands covered in napkins and ass directly to the door like this:

(I was taught this funny hot banana-pyramid pose by some very good friends of mine. It saves lives.)

Some people will still love you when they see your nice ass at church, and others will be offended over silly things, and even more will have the right intentions but a terrible mindset. . . But you matter most in this context, unless you're bowling over 95-year old grandfathers for bonus points.

And no, I didn't get caught. And, as a final addition, I think this whole connective tissue disorder thing has helped me to start accepting the visible part of me more. As I've mentioned before, I was raised to stamp out the idea that I was different, and to ignore my own support needs to convince others. Those needs were much easier to believe for something new and fresh that I could demand regular appointments for, and the wacky things I have to get up to to avoid pain have helped me to give less of a shit about others, even if it's hard to.

[cpunkwitch]

answering my questions p3

[pt: answering my questions p3]

part 1 (link), part 2 (link)

ask game 3 (link)

biggest inaccessible thing that angers you right now?

doors with round handles. fuck those door knobs im glad my bedroom door doesnt actually close so i dont have to use it.

2. something no one talks about that you wish had more discussion about how it could be more accessible?

windows. i dont ever see anyone talk about how windows (that are meant to be opened for air circulation etc) could be more accessible. the window i have i have to wrestle with in order to get it open in the summer, because of that i avoided it this summer and ended up not having ac

i get there are some windows that have the screen on the other side and the inside slides up, i prefer those, my sister has that in her room, but the locks and the act of opening the window itself is not easy or something everyone can do.

3. what are some good resources that help you out? any blogs or sites that really helped you out with a disability or gave you support?

a user on here actually suggested speech assistant to me, i dont remember who but i was able to find an aac for my phone thanks to a tumblr user. i dont really have anything else to respond with, my resources are actually kinda limited ^^;

i got my cane off amazon, thats really the only other thing i have.

4. if you have an aid, mobility or not, how did you get it and do you know any good places to get them at good prices?

unfortunately all i know is amazon because i dont have a way of using other sites. most other sites dont use stripe and paypal is a bitch to me. i know there was a post going around earlier to be put on a wait list for a free wheelchair i think? if anyone knows where that post is id like to reblog it again

best way to get things at a lower price though is if theyre used/2nd hand. theyre considered worth less than new ones as they've been used and probably worn in already, therein they arent in mint condition like newer ones, but theyre still good. i actually got my first two binders that way. (tbh i get most things that way)

i know you can find 2nd hand stuff on facebook groups/marketplace, Kijiji, ebay and similar sites but i dont fully trust most of them myself.

when it comes to aid's that are programs though, such as aac or screen readers, there are tonnes that are completely free or come with small monthly subs or in-app purchases that arent too pricey and a lot of sites and social apps have those built in now a days with stickers, emojis, gifs, text-to-speech options on devices and so on.

5. any programs you know of that are either easily accessible or make things more accessible?

aside from my answer in 4, i have asl bloom which is like duolingo for american sign language. if you wanna quickly learn some asl for free, asl bloom is great!

i mentioned i have speech assistant for an aac, i've excitedly posted a bit yesterday about using it for the first time in a classroom setting.

6. whats an aid that no one mentions being an aid? could be big or small

anything is an aid if it assists you. glasses, braces, screen readers, etc

i see plenty of people acknowledging that pictures, emojis etc are aids as well esp for the nonverbal, more so than i would see sometime in the past.

a lot of things that might not be considered socially acceptable can be aids too, plastic straws for example, esp bendy ones, but thats been talked about quite a lot since the pandemic and i hope to see that discussion continue until theyre finally brought back as the default.

things that i never-to-rarely see anyone mention as an aid of some sort though? aside from medication, creams and things for pain management, theres not much to come to mind.

7. any recent news that really pissed you off, like an accessibility being taken away?

there was something at the time of making that ask game but i no longer remember what. nothing recent that have to bring up, at least not right now.

8. any good news to share with the disabled community?

i am sorry to say i bring no news at all, good or bad, but i may have some at a later date. perhaps whenever i get that french aac update we can consider that good news

9. what are some helpful things in your town/city for cripples?

nothing special i can think of

10. what can your town/city improve on to help?

the fucking side walks

11. is there an accommodation you wish you had/could get/want more of?

if i had the money and was in a different situation, id get a shower chair, braces or compression gloves, a wheelchair etc.

typing programs like typist arent made with disabled people in mind and i wish they were, i make mistakes because im dyslexic and cant always control my stims and they score you on how many mistakes you make with no backspace option and you cant continue until you improve with the least amount to no mistakes. they should at least let you use the backspace.

i use typist for class and it pisses me off that i cant go back and fix my mistakes. not just typing either but writing classes in general that grade you on how many mistakes you make should consider and accommodate people with issues writing/typing. just giving them more time to work on an assignment is not much of an accomodation. tics, stims etc are all things that can effect a persons writing and its pretty unfair and ablest to think that everyone can just stop making mistakes with writing if they practice enough.

12. whats some discourse going around right now that you wish would stop?

non physically disabled / able bodied people claiming cripplepunk includes them. should never have been discourse to begin with the name itself should be fucking self explanatory and if you know anything about cripplepunk its that its FOR THE PHYSICALLY DISABLED

also transid/transx bullshit...

13. advice for people who are only just discovering theyre crippled?

its okay to be disabled, learning your physical limitations and general limitations with your body is actually a good thing.

youre not lazy, youre not unsightly, youre not gross, youre not creepy, youre a living being and you deserve the accessibility, accomodations and help you need or want. if youre thinking of getting assistance get it.

youre not taking anything away or hurting anything by calling yourself disabled and using aids if you think it helps you.

whatever you have hindering your physical functions does not define you nore is it the only trait about you but it is a part of you that comes with you. dont let anyone disrespect you over it, get/use what you need, its your body.

14. any questions for people who've been in the community a while?

what were things like when cripplepunk first started? how did it gain traction and popularity? how did you come across it and what was it like when you were new?

do you have any advice for people just joining cripplepunk and things to say about content creation for cpunk? is there content you wish to see more of or reoccur? what was content online like when you first joined disabled/crippled spaces?

15. ramble about your condition?

man i really need to book time with the chiropractor. my arthritis aches are in more than just my hands and wrists, i get really bad foot cramps, leg and ankle pain and i have seriously bad tension and stiffness in my neck, shoulders and back.

if i remember tomorrow i'll call them when i get home for lunch between classes. and see if i can book thursday afternoons

a lot of my condition comes from my moms side of the family, which is cool in theory, i like talking about that kinda thing, hereditary and genes n stuff interests me but because its my mom and i grew up in her shadow being referred to as her "mini me" and shit, it makes me pretty uncomfortable to know just how much like her i am and i cant get away from it. (and thats not even mentioning how uncomfortable i am being associated with one of my ab/sers(u) to such a degree)

16. rant about your environment?

i feel like thats a thing for an entire post on its own. i could rant about my home environment or my city.

17. if you have any aids, have you decorated and/or named them?

ive painted my cane and and trying to paint it again when i remember, have the time and spoons, but i havnt named it or added any attachments and i want to. suggestions are welcome!

18. tips for maintaining mobility aids of any?

as a cane user:

wash and sanitize the handle/grip and foot of your cane as frequently as you use it. especially if someone else has touched it and you've been outside with it and have allergies!

use paint sealer if you customize your cane and use masking tape on the parts of it that you arent customizing (handle, foot, joints if its foldable)

place it by the door but not next to the entrance or shoes so it doesnt get knocked over/kicked etc and so you remember to take it with you if youre an "out of sight out of mind" type of forgetful person like me.

crippled-pvp mentioned this before; place your cane under the seats/on the floor if youre in a car. its deadly otherwise.

19. anything that motivates you to leave your house even just for fresh air and a stretch?

coffee/snack runs. the garden on campus nearby. if it werent for close by things like that i'd see no point in leaving the house outside work/school. and maybe a few other things like painting in the back yard ig?

20. free space!

feel free to ask me questions, to clarify or elaborate/expand on something, my inbox is always open for a chat and anon is on for privacy of those who use side blogs or are too anxious to be off anon. anon is not on for hate/discourse.

[ID: banner reading "dni if... proship, transx/id, syscourse/discourse blog, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-lesboy/turigirl more in pinned rentry. this blog is protected by the addams family, the de rolo family and co." in all black lowercase text. It has a grey cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms with a cobweb in the top corner and symmetrically flipped on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina with the same cobweb in the bottom corner :End ID]

[the-autistic-agoraphobe]

I was scrolling through my Facebook when I came across this monstrosity. There is alot wrong with this post and I am going to discuss it.

First Autism isnt something that should be prevented or cured  to "prevent" or "cure" Autism is like trying to stop me from existing in a way because if I wasn't Autistic I wouldn't be the person that I am. Being Autistic affects every aspect of my personality and my life. When I hear the words "preventing Autism" or "curing Autism" I hear that people like me shouldn't exist. Which is very harmful and hurtful. Autism is not a bad thing it is a neutral thing and a natural variation of humans. To "prevent" or "cure" Autism is like trying to "prevent" or "cure"  gayness which isn't right. Autism isnt a disease or illness.

Secondly most Autistic folk don't believe the colour blue should be used to represent Autism because it is associated with a group known as Autism Speaks. Autism Speaks has been very problematic to Autistic folk as they advocate for a "cure" for Autism and subject many Autistic people to abusive therapies. They don't listen to the voices of Autistic folk when it's our disability. Most Autistic people prefer to use the colours red and gold instead.

The next problem is that Charlie Brown and Snoopy are wearing shirts that depict a puzzle piece symbol. Even though some Autistic folk like to use the puzzle piece as the missing piece to the mystery about why they have felt different for many years and found out that they're Autistic many Autistics are against the puzzle piece symbol for Autism. There are a few reasons for this. One reason is that Autism Speaks which was mentioned above uses it heavily. Another reason is that it implies that we are a puzzle that needs to be solved. Again Autism doesn't need to be cured. Only Autistic people should use the puzzle piece. A popular symbol amongst the Autistic community is the infinity symbol which implies that there are infinite ways of thinking.

The last thing I want to mention that it is highly likely that the business "Cooly sunny" isn't ran by Autistic people as they have made many mistakes with his post that an Autistic person wouldn't make. I feel as though they are taking advantage of Autism to make money. If you wish to support Autistic people this April I would advise buying Autism stuff from businesses owned by Autistic people. There is plenty of good Autism stuff for sale on Etsy.

I would advise that Cooly Sunny should stop selling these shirts and make an apology to Autistic folk and learn more about Autism from Autistic folk. They also contradict themselves by saying that they want to get rid of Autism but yet to accept Autism that doesn't make sense. Remember this April to listen to Autistic people about Autism. It's our disability and we know what being Autistic is like through first hand experience.

Image Descriptions:

1: There is an advertisement on Facebook from a brand called "Cooly Sunny". There is black text on a white background that says "Autism Awareness & Prevention Autism Awareness Month is is coming! We Wear Blue to rep the love, support and attention we give to those we love. Join the fight to end Autism with our new Autism Awareness & Prevention T-shirts. Care more about the vulnerable groups around you, they are kind but need your love! To help others is to help yourself, let's unite, give this cold world some more warmth! Everyone is matter! Everyone is loved! Shop Now (link to shop)

Hashtag AutismAwareness hashtag Autism hashtag Blue hashtag Love" Their profile picture is "cooly sunny" written in black text on a white background.

2: There is a blue shirt with white text on it. The white text says "I wear blue for Autism Awareness accept understand love" Snoopy who is a cartoon black and white beagle dog is on the shirt beside his owner Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown is a white cartoon boy. Both Charlie and Snoopy have their heads tilted up so you can see underneath their chins. They are both wearing blue shirts with puzzle pieces on them. End Descriptions.

[pokenimagines]

Submission Guidelines

Request Template:

In order to make things easier, please copy and paste one of these six templates depending on what you're requesting. I ask that you use this so that not only will I have a clear view of what you want, but so people reading my content will be able to make an informed decision if they would like to read the contents of the request: (Bolded words are for you to fill out)

Platonic SFW Character | Headcanons | Request Information

Platonic SFW Character | Fic | Request Information

Romantic SFW Character | Headcanons | Request Information

Romantic SFW Character | Fic | Request Information

NSFW Character | Headcanon | Request Information

NSFW Character | Fic | Request Information

Character = The name of the character I'll be writing for.

Request Information = What you're wanting me to write. If you don't fill this out, I will delete. Don't just state a character, I need something to go off of.

Romantic vs Platonic = How you want me to go about the request. Will I be writing them in a romantic or a platonic way.

If you want to gush about characters or say something to me personally in a request, you're more than welcome. Just state the request beforehand.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me or Queenie on our main blogs @salticart and @queeniesrose or ask in the inbox. Queenie and I aren't able to DM on this blog as it's a joint account.

Things I will write:

NSFW (All NSFW posts will be tagged "Spicy Salt", so if you don't wish for this content to appear on your feed, block that tag).

Romantic Relationships (This will be for 18+ characters only)

Friendship/Platonic Relationships (I will write for the minors of the series with these relationships exclusively)

Found Family Dynamics (Can be for any character)

Soft Yandere (If it gets into anything that is iffy and goes into the Non-Con/Dub-Con category, then I won't write it)

List of Scarlet/Violet Characters

List of Sword and Shield Characters

List of Sun and Moon Characters

List of Legends of Arceus Characters

Things I won’t write:

Romanticizing Underaged Characters: I will age up characters for certain requests, however if it involve anything romantic or sexual on a character that is canon underaged, then I will not be writing it. I understand a lot of the games don't state character ages, but there's some characters that you just know are underaged.

Non-con or Dub-con

Suicide/Self harm, eating disorders, mentions of rape. Mainly things that can trigger people or myself!

DDLG, Water sports, Scat, I refuse to write it so never ask.

Pet play of any kind (including puppy play, kitten play, pony play, etc) [NO HORSES]

Things referring to kids or pregnancy, or being parents. I know it’s a weird one but I have a bit of a phobia of children and such due to my job so I’d prefer not to write that stuff.

Disabilities: I don't think I can accurately write for a disability that I do not have, and I don't want to misrepresent serious topics. In order to stop this from happening, I choose not to write it.

I know there’s more when I remember them I’ll update this!

Things to keep in mind:

- I'm more likely to write your request if you put in the proper formatting that is at the top of the post.

- When sending in a request, please only do one character. It takes me a lot longer to do multiple characters at a time, and clogs up the ask box. So one character per request. Thank you!

- Please do not ask for a specific gender. I do non binary to keep it all inclusive. If it's for a smutty story, I will be writing two versions if what's in the pants is absolutely necessary. There’s plenty of gendered imagines out there, I want everyone to feel included. Hella hard when you’re non-binary or the opposite gender and you’re trying to read an imagine with a gender you don’t identify with.

- If I’m uncomfortable with a request at all, and it’s anonymous, I’ll just delete it. So if you sent an interesting request that ends up not being written, please don’t send it in again. I don’t delete anything unless I refuse to write it.

- If you sent in a request when they’re closed, I will also be deleting said request. You can always resend it in once they’re open. This is to just help keep my box as clear as possible so I can focus on what needs to be done. Don’t ask me to keep it in the box for when they open up again. That’s counter intuitive to my box being closed and makes me a bit upset.

- If I have an imagine already written but it doesn’t include the characters you like, you can always send and ask for a continuation with the characters you like, I’ll be more than happy to do so!

- It might take a while to get to certain imagines. I work a full-time job and and run another writing blog for Twisted Wonderland, so I'm vey busy.

- You can request more than one thing, I don’t mind, just don’t send me a list of 100 things to write, please.

- If you happen to find a list of prompts you’d think would be fun for me to go through, send it to me. I’ll totally do requests off prompt lists

Discord Server

Hello everyone! As the new games have been released we wanted to do an ad for our discord server! We have been revamping the server in hopes of creating a better experience for all who join and that we will get some new friends!

We do have some rules for the server, along with a few perks. This includes:

To join the server, you MUST be at least 16 years of age.

Similar to here, anything underage/pedophilia related will not be tolerated.

No transphobic/homophobic/terf behavior will be tolerated.

Advanced notice of when the inbox is open!

Reward roles! With a bot we have in the server, the more you level up through chatting, the more cosmetic roles you can get. (This is new, and will go live after games are released.)

For those who RP or are interested in trying out RP for the first time, we will be revamping our RP section. We hope to get this more active again.

Besides the Pokémon related stuff, we have also have a writers section and an artist section for you to share your work!

[elevatorladylady]

Critical Reread - ACOFAS Chapter 16

Join me on a reread of A Court of Frost and Starlight

Chapter 16 - R/hysand

R/hysand and Azriel avoid talking to Cassian about the Illyrian rebellion and he admires F/eyre on Solstice Eve.

“Mor gets the good bedroom, Elain is living in the other, and so we get this one.” He didn’t mention that the final, empty bedroom—Nesta’s old room—would remain open.”

I had been curious to know how big the townhouse is, so this confirms there are 5 bedrooms total and only F/eyre, R/hysand, and Elain live there.

“You assholes bet on me all the time. I remember the last one you did—you and Mor, making wagers about whether my wings would heal.”

It actually seems pretty fucked up for Mor and Az to bet on whether or not Cassian would continue to be disabled.

“If the Illyrians revolted … I didn’t want to think that far down the road. What it would cost me. What it would cost Cassian, to fight the people he still so desperately wanted to be a part of. To kill them. It’d be far different from what we’d done to the Illyrians who’d gladly served Amarantha, and done such terrible things in her name. Far different.”

I swear the only solution R/hysand can ever come up with is murdering people.

Also interesting to hear that Cassian wants to be part of the Illyrian culture when he doesn’t seem to do much to actually show he respects them or even really interact.

“I can see about finding you two longer beds.” With Solstice Eve here, it would take a minor miracle. I’d have to turn Velaris upside down.”

If only they had magic.

“space in this house does indeed seem to be an issue.”

Only when you are trying to house everyone you know and leaving a room open for someone who isn’t interested in staying there at all.

I’m just not a fan of F/eyre and R/hysand outgrowing a 5 bedroom townhouse within 1 year of marriage (or mating, I guess).

“You could stay up at the House if you’d prefer. I can winnow you in.” “The House is boring.” Cassian yawned for emphasis.”

Here for the House of Wind slander. It’s so inaccessible. It’s only practical for people with wings and apparently even then, the ideal is winnowing and wings, which only works for F/eyre and R/hysand. And it would be boring to stay there given it’s lack of access to the rest of the city.

“Perhaps you should get a place of your own, then.”

“I have one in Illyria.”

It is weird that Cassian, Mor and Az don’t have their own places in Velaris. Also I’m curious to know if he lives in the house R/hys’ mom lived in there or if he actually has his own place.

“My suggestion that he might want a place of his own. Soon. Not that anything was happening on that front. Not anytime soon. Nesta had made it clear enough she had no interest in Cassian—not even in being in the same room as him. I knew why. I’d seen it happen, had felt that way plenty.”

Weird to suggest he might want to have a place of his own for Nesta even though Nesta wasn’t talking to him.

Also is R/hysand actually relating to Nesta in that last line? Seen what exactly happen? Felt what way?

“Rein in that scent of yours, boy.”

Gross

“But F/eyre was staring at the clock, her brow furrowed. Nesta isn’t coming. You invited her for tomorrow.”

For real. Why would Nesta show up uninvited the night before the event she was actually invited to?

[echofromtheabyss]

In this article by the late Mel Baggs, Baggs references something another person wrote. The link is to something that was taken down, but the quote is here:

The basic idea is that each and every person has their difference, and that it should be respected. Note the singular form, however. When they learn of my autism, which is usually the first major difference to come up in conversation, they seem to think “oh, so that’s her difference”. They then proceed to fill in my difference slot in their mental table, and everything is as it should be.

Or, so they think.

Then, a little while later, I happen to mention some other thing that makes me very different from most other people, and their belief system collides head-on with reality. Usually, it’s another one of my disabilities that triggers it. This is when they almost invariably go “…” for a while, only to finish with “you have that too?” In other words, “your difference slot is already filled, and you can’t have another one”. This is the weird collision I've had with reality since I have been het-passing.

People used to just assume I was a lesbian. When I was 10, adults thought I was going to turn out to be a lesbian. It was just assumed. Then people assumed I was because of my body language, voice, facial expressions, way I hold my body, ffs, even the way I sit is discourse now. That I "passed as straight" is literally indistinguishable from stuff related to autistic masking discourse because of the degree to which it involves standing a certain way, holding my face a certain way, doing different things with my hands, talking about different things, re-wording everything I say into different wording, and using my voice differently. I even had to prefer different friends. Also there was different construction in the 80s and 90s among straight people about what it meant to be gay or lesbian so it was heavily conflated with being gender non-conforming or even trans-adjacent in ways it isn't now. When I'm "straight passing" I just don't really pass as "normal." But when I'm "queer passing," people just chalk all my differences up to that. As long as I'm not actually among cis queer women, that is. In the beginning, it gave me the wrong impression about how accepted I would be, as LGBT, by LGBT people - ones who are other cis women, almost always are uncomfortable around me. Straight women actually were more accepting of me, conditionally. TERFy lesbians were the absolute worst because I violate a lot of stuff about what women are supposed to be, and I have to mask the hardest around people who have very gendered ideas about how to act. There is no way to mask without being gender-conforming. And being *cognitively* gender non-conforming - i.e., having thinking patterns/emotional makeup/communication preferences more commonly stereotypically associated with men, heaven help you if it's anything in the realm of politics/likes/dislikes/hobbies - is totally brushed aside. You're just not supposed to be like that. Not even sure that upper middle class straight men are supposed to be like that these days. Except in my case, it's not even about anything really visible given that I like plenty of stereotypical feminine things! It's just this invisible mark I've had all my life, somehow, that characterizes me as "not a normal girl." The thing is, the world didn't get actually more friendly toward odd women, it just got more enforcing of normie upper class white female norms across a broader range of people. So a lot of the places that used to be my escape, no longer are that.

And when I am read as het... I feel VERY odd, I am crawling out of my skin in discomfort... like I am an alien from another planet who's passing as an Earthling. I feel both invisible to LGBT people (who, prior to my passing het, constituted the majority of my friends), while masking really hard among het normies (I am NEVER more aware of this, than when I'm on a double date, for example, with my partner and a het couple where the other woman is a much more normie woman) and trying to observe normie het social rules (greet the wife first, don't talk to the husband longer than I talk to the wife, etc) that passing as gay gave me a pass on. And in passing as het, PEOPLE DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME. I'm completely ignored in ways I never used to be. I completely disappear behind my partner. We'll be in a room full of his queer friends who just don't even see me, which is painful for very complicated reasons, but nobody else really sees me either. And to straight people who are okay with queer people, my perceived queerness filled that "difference slot." It gave me a place where I was allowed to be different from them. I feel more autistic since passing straight. I don't like it. And something I'm really, really struggling with in my identity is the fact that I lost the one social cope I had. The one thing that made me more tolerated in some spaces. Now I just feel naked. Like I'm just visibly Weird as a het-passing person in ways I wasn't as a queer-passing person.

And the thing is, passing queer gave me no payoff whatsoever in my actual romantic relationships, because I was a gaycel, it was never going to get better. Other women read something "odd" in me so quickly that it's not even funny, and I have to work Very Very Hard just to interact. But at least when I was passing gay, there's a point at which they just... let me be. I could be their Lesbian Friend.

I had a social role in which my weirdness could fit.

Now I just feel like a fake and a phony in every single interaction I have and like everything in my world revolves around my perceived sexual identity that I can't even really perform that well. My partnership is okay when it's just me and him but when I get out into the world, I don't even feel like I inhabit my own skin, and don't even know who I am.