#but honestly fuck diabetes it can be gone yesterday

[trek-tracks]

hello! I am also diabetic (type one). I’m curious if when you think of star trek or yourself in Star Trek if you imagine having diabetes still? I think either way is valid, just curious. I go back and forth trying to figure out if they would have cured it or just advanced insulin pumps to the point of being practically seamless with day to day life. For me being diabetic is so integral to my personality I kind of don’t know if I would like to think of it as being cured? It’s cool if you don’t want to answer too! Just thought I’d ask :)

This is an interesting question.

I've always thought about my type one diabetes as being solidly on the second end of the disability "spectrum," so to speak, where the first end is "this is integral to my personality and who I am, accommodate but do not 'cure' me," and the second is "this brings nothing but pain to my life, please cure me immediately."

The only accommodation that would fully make my life better, in my opinion, (which is only my opinion about my own disability), is either a functional cure (artificial pancreas) or actual cure (no machinery necessary), the latter of which I would prefer, because frankly I'm sick of wearing a pump and a cgm 24/7 and the sheer amount of waste it produces, which is not my fault because I need to live, but still weighs heavily on me (and takes up a large amount of space in my apartment). Not to mention the scheduling--this message brought to you by me being woken up at 5am by an empty insulin pump and realizing that, no, I don't seem to have any unused cartridges left, so I have to use an old one and pray that the pump accepts it while waiting for the delivery of the supplies I just now ordered, which cost $750.

When I think about a life in the Star Trek universe, I can really only think about being transferred there now, as I am, with the life I have led, and I think that's what also shapes my decision. If I had been born into the Star Trek universe, there are so many aspects of my personality that might have been different, considering I wouldn't have to worry about scarcity and affordability of, for example, housing. Instead of being a theatre critic as a second job that feeds my soul but doesn't pay the bills, I'd probably be a playwright/dramaturg/critic full time. However, I might find not having a job outside of the theatre world to be detrimental, because when people don't have lives outside of theatre, their writing tends to get smaller and more insular.

This is a digression, but what I mean is: I can only see me as I am now joining a Starfleet world, rather than trying to envision the person I would be if I'd begun my life there. I mean, I certainly wouldn't be known for making memes about Star Trek, the TV show, if Star Trek were reality instead of entertainment, so things would be different in a number of ways. I can't even think about all the ways my life could have been different in this reality without getting a headache.

In that case, I have learned a lot from being diabetic, including patience and empathy for other people, and a strong sense of social justice. I've learned a lot about food and exercise and how they affect the body. I've learned responsibility and self-management. I've made more peace with aging than many of my friends, because I've felt prematurely "old" (aches, pains, contemplation of mortality) since I was a preteen. I think I would have some form of these things without diabetes, but my worldview would likely be different. In a way, I'm grateful for these lessons, and I don't know if born-into-Star-Trek me would be insufferable.

That being said, I firmly believe that having diabetes for more than 25 years means that diabetes has taught me all about life it's going to teach me. I'm done. If I were to wake up tomorrow without it, I'd, in the words of Beyond McCoy, "throw a party." A party with plenty of cake. Or, to misquote The Voyage Home, "The doctor gave me a pill, and I grew a new pancreas!"

Now that it's part of me, its absence might leave me somewhat adrift, but I think of all the time I've lost to it where I could have been enjoying life and been allowed to be the unfettered me I desired to be, and I say, good riddance.

[badsext]

Sunshine and Possibilities: Diego x Reader x Klaus

This one is for @chipster-21 💜 Sorry it took me so long. I hope you like it. Special thank you to @moorehollandplz for helping me with plot stuff!!! 🤗

Author’s Note: Since the show takes place in a world without cellphones and internet, I thought it would be interesting to stay true to that for this fic. Reader has an old-timey phone and answering machine.

Warnings: Just fluff, a tiny bit of blood, and maybe a naughty word or two. ————————————————————

Your job at the pharmacy is good for people watching. You have the quirky old regulars coming in to pick up their blood pressure meds and insulin, couples buying cheap candy to sneak into the movie theater down the street, rushed people buying last minute gifts and greeting cards, anxious people buying condoms or pregnancy tests, and some just seeking something over the counter for their cold, flu, allergies, etc.

You are changing the receipt tape, a task that always takes a bit longer than you need it to, when someone steps into your peripheral vision.

“I’ll be with you in a second.”

“Ok, no problem. Take your time.”

You look up, closing the lid on the printer. He is really cute, hispanic, nice body, handsome face and a scar on the side of his head that looks like it just missed his ear. He is dressed all in black and his arms are filled with first aid supplies: peroxide, gauze and antibiotic ointment.

“Wow, look at all this. Did someone get shot or something?”

He is quiet, staring at you. It was only a joke. Maybe you offended him. You should have learned by now not to make embarrassing comments. Ugh, why can’t I keep my mouth shut, you think to yourself. That’s when you notice a drop of blood on the counter, then another. They appeared to be coming out of the man’s sleeve.

“Holy shit! Are you okay?”

“Oh!” He looks down and notices the blood for himself. “You got some paper towels back there?”

You tear several off the roll and hand them to him.

He wipes the blood off the counter, then holds the wad of towels up to the part of his sleeve that is dripping. “It’s just a scratch.” He can tell by your expression that he failed to convince you. “Occupational hazard. I’m fine with blood. It’s just needles I can’t stand.”

“Are you a cop?”

“Not exactly.”

“A criminal? Is that why you’re bandaging yourself?”

“You’re full of nosy questions.” He says with a grin. “Not a cop, not a criminal…I’m Diego. What’s your name?”

You respond in a daze, lost in his eyes for a moment.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. How about you give me your number before I bleed out here.”

“Yeah. Okay.” You write it out on the back of his receipt.

“I’ll call you!” He kisses the receipt then flies out the door.

You can’t keep the smile off your face, even through the monotony of the next few hours, customers shuffling in and out: the diabetics, the candy smugglers, the gifters, and the snifflers, all like clockwork. Your mind keeps wandering back to Diego.

That’s why it catches you off guard, the strange man making a scene with the pharmacist. From what you can gather, he is trying to pass off a bogus prescription for pain meds. The pharmacist is trained to look for this. When you are caught it is best to go quietly, but this guy is being very dramatic about it.

“Fine, I’ll just have to take my business elsewhere!,” he exclaims. Then he turns with a flourish, his long coat flaring out around him. You are watching all this from the other end of the pharmacy. Then he starts walking toward you. The more he comes into focus the more you realize how attractive he is.

He begins lining his pockets with candy and snacks, looking deviously in your direction. He teases you with each item he plans to steal, bringing a finger to his lips to keep you quiet. You struggle to hold back your laughter. He winks and heads out the door with his coat bulging and making crinkling noises. Your manager runs up to the register a few seconds too late. When he asks you if you saw anything you just shrug.

That was a very odd chain of events, you think as you drive home. Your roommate will, of course, be staying at her boyfriend’s place again so you have the apartment to yourself. You order lo mein from your favorite Chinese takeout and play your voicemail as soon as you get home just in case. There are no messages from Diego, but it’s just as well. He probably doesn’t want to sound too eager. You have a few drinks and fall asleep in front of the TV.

———–Meanwhile, at the Hargreeves Mansion———–

“You gotta just do it. Rip it off like a band-aid.” Klaus mimes the action for emphasis.

“You know I’m not good on the phone. Sh-sh-she’ll hear m-m-my stutter. I wish I’d asked her out right then and there.” Diego tilts his head back in frustration.

“Well, man you’re gonna just have to relax. Do you want some weed?”

“No, man. I don’t put that shit in my body.”

“Chamomile tea? Guided meditation? Aromatherapy?” Diego’s face remains skeptical with each suggestion. “Okay, what do you do to relax?”

Diego thinks for a moment. “I hit stuff.”

Klaus grabs a pillow from Diego’s bed and holds it flat against his stomach. “Punch me in the gut.”

“No, man.”

“Come on, tough guy. Show me what you got.” Diego rolls his eyes and hits him square in the middle of the pillow. Klaus staggers back. “Damn, Diego.”

“You ready to call now?”

“Yeah, actually. I think I am. Thanks, man.”

Klaus tosses the pillow and groans. He leaves the room clutching his stomach. “Yeah, don’t mention it.”

————-Back at your apartment—————

The phone wakes you out of a dream. “Hello?”

“Hey, Y/N. This is Diego. We met at the pharmacy yesterday.”

You block the receiver to clear the sleep out of your throat. “Oh, yeah. What’s up? How’s your arm?”

“The arm is…fine. How do you feel about a date…with me?”

You block the receiver again, this time to temper your excitement. “Sure. When were you thinking?”

“Wanna get some coffee on Saturday at 11:00? I know a doughnut place with decent coffee.”

“Griddy’s. Yeah, I know the place. I’ll meet you there.”

“So, it’s a date?”

“It’s a date.”

It fells good to have something official, something to justify your optimism. You go back to bed with sweet dreams. Tomorrow will be Thursday. Only two more days until your date with sexy and mysterious Diego.

For the next few days it’s hard to focus at work. It’s April and all the flowers and bunnies and bright, happy imagery only highlight your good mood. You are restocking all the shelves where that wacko shoplifted a third of the stores peanut butter cups and cheese curls. Suddenly, you feel a presence behind you. It’s him. The wacko. Gone is his long black coat. He wears a colorful sleeveless shirt. He is surprisingly fit with arms tattooed. In his hand he holds one of those chocolate roses from aisle four.

You look at him quizzically. “You’re back.”

“Yep. I forgot something…Y/N.” He says, reading your name tag.

“You forgot to steal that chocolate rose?”

“No. I’ve got cash.” He reaches into his pocket for two wadded up bills. You ring him up for the purchase. He is staring at you. His green eyes sparkle.

“You need a bag?”

“Nope.” You try to hand him the rose. A few seconds pass and he hasn’t moved.

“So what was it you forgot?”

“Sorry, you’re so cute, I lost my train of thought. I came back to see if you’d like to hang out. My name’s Klaus. He leans forward and kisses your hand. "And that’s for you.” He motions to the rose in your hand. You smile and blush at the gesture.

“Yeah, okay. I’d like to…hang out.”

“Saturday…early…Say 11:00?”

“Sure.”

“You like doughnuts?”

“Yeah.”

“Saturday - 11:00 - Griddy’s doughnuts!” Then in a flash, just as before, he is gone.

The bell on the door brings you back to reality. ‘Saturday 11:00 at Griddy’s’ - Why did that sound so familiar? “Oh, fuck!,” you realize aloud. Then you peel the red foil off the chocolate rose, snatching the whole thing off the plastic stem in one giant bite.

That night you can’t sleep. You think of calling one them to cancel, but it is impossible to choose and even if you could, you didn’t get either of their numbers, not even a last name to look them up. You’ll just have to face the music in the morning.

You dress for the best case scenario, wearing your favorite sundress, the blue one with tiny white flowers on it. You put your hair up so you can let it down at some point in the date…assuming there is going to be a date. It’s your secret weapon, guaranteed to kick things up a notch.

When you arrive, your eyes find Diego sitting alone at a table, flagging you down. He gets up to greet you. Klaus walks in the door a split second later. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

“Y/N. It’s good to see you.” Diego comes near. You watch his expression change as he spots Klaus over your shoulder.

“What are you doing here?” The boys shout simultaneously.

“She’s my date.” Diego confirms.

“Wait, you guys know each other?”

“He’s my brother.” They grumble in unison. Suddenly aware of the scene you are making, you shush them and get them to sit down.

The waitress comes over to your table. “Hi, I’m Agnes, can I get your -”

“Wait, sorry, Agnes.” Diego turns to Klaus. “Is this the girl you were calling Wednesday night?” Klaus is incredulous.

“I’ll just give you folks a few minutes to decide.” Agnes says, walking away.

“Yes, we met at the pharmacy. I went to get first aid supplies for my arm. Tell him, Y/N.”

“That’s right.” You reply awkwardly.

“Wait a minute.” Klaus looks at you. WE met at the pharmacy on…I’m not great at remembering what day it is, but I think it was Wednesday.“

"Yep.” You cringe.

All eyes are on you now. Your cheeks are red with embarrassment.

“You met both of us on the same day.” Diego throws up his hands.

“When did Klaus ask you out?”

“Yes…ter…day - but that’s really not relevant here.” You hate the idea of them fighting. They both look so disappointed. And honestly, you don’t know who you like better, they are both so different. Then a risky thought suddenly pops into your head. Now is no time to be shy, you have two gorgeous boys vying for your company.

You get up, take a deep breath, and let your hair down. “It’s a beautiful day out there, boys! Let’s not waste it.” Klaus and Diego look at each other and after some consideration, stand up and follow you out the door. You hook arms with Klaus on one side and Diego on the other. The three of you walk off into the sunshine and a world of possibilities.

@moorehollandplz @bubblyani @helena-way07 @bi-satanist @dandycandy75 @renegadesheehan @bitch4bagels @zombiedixon89 @zoemassingale @renegadesheehan @yeetskeetbuddy @klaushollandyoung @diegoh4rgreeves @elliethesuperfruitlover @marvelnerd18 @punknatch @siriuslynore @deadlynyghtshayde @vinawyatt @klaus-hargreeves-energy

[jimlingss]

pt.2 of yesterday

I don’t want to flood people’s dashes, so hopefully answering your messages here will suffice!

anonymous asked: Hi! I wanted to tell you how much I love your work and how you make me enjoy every Monday thanks to your regular updates ! I saw a previous anon telling you how your writings lacks of emotion and I totally disagree with them... obviously everybody won’t like it but your stories just DON’T lack of love or emotion this is madness I want to thank you for publishing your amazing stories freely here for everyone to read. (Sorry if my English is weird I’m french ejfjekfjd)

“this is madness” LOL

You’re hilarious, anon. And your english is perfectly fine!!!

anonymous asked: Hello! Im the culinary student anon who sent you an ask a while ago and i saw you received an ask about the lack of emotion from your stories. I read kitchen romance and i actually really really like it and don’t quite understand how it lacks in emotions as I interpreted the stories more like the beginning of the oc and jin’s love story and they are only starting to open up to each other so i guess thats why anon might feel like it lacks romantic vibe from both of the characters. (1)

Anonymous said: Just want to tell you that you’re one of the best writer and ive been following you for 2/3 years now, you never failed to amaze me with your writings!! All your stories are so well written that i sometimes wonder how do you come up with such an amazing plot every single time and your stories are always nice to re-read and the effort you pour into creating your stories is also admirable (2)

while i was reading kitchen romance and ive only started s&c (currently on chapter 4) i can say that its pretty similar with how it is irl (and the part where we find out jk is an iu fans reminded me of my ex-crush whose also a culinary student, i would like to tell you a story about it but ill just waste your time lol) , just want to send you a few encouragement and love for you and your writings *sending virtual hugs* (3) -👩🏻‍🍳anon

You’re too kind, thank you (and also, welcome back!). I’ll be frank, there was a hot second I was considering taking down Kitchen Romance but I didn’t cause I don’t want my efforts of editing it to go to waste asdfghjkl. I can’t believe you’ve been sticking around me for so long :’) it’s always nice to know some folks stay. Anyway, I’m glad that Sugar and Coffee is pretty similar to how it works irl since I tried my best to do research. I definitely love a good storytime as well so don’t worry about wasting my time :>

Anonymous said: a good majority of your fics display an unfathomable amount of DEPTH. regarding character development. plot. even the shortest lines of dialogue reveal so much more to the character and unveil their true emotions. i personally think the more REALISTIC side of love may be perceived as 'bland.' ‘emotionless.’ whatever you want to call it. nothing’s wrong with portraying a relationship that isn’t overboard with a whole lot of tooth aching fluff or lowkey annoying pda. +1

Anonymous said: there’s nothing wrong with taking out a bit of emotion to fit the PERSONALITIES of the characters. some people out there don’t necessarily feel a lot of emotions. so it’s honestly not really a mistake if a story lacks it (unless it was unintentional). subtlety is an art that is hard to master, but you’ve done it! and to respond to the anon, sometimes, if you skim through a fic without reading every word the author intended for you to read, +2

Anonymous said: then it’s quite common to not feel the full extent of the emotions you were supposed to feel. just a thought but no hate. we’re all entitled to our opinions. but besides that, kina, you write on a vast scale ranging from hardcore angst to diabetes-inducing fluff. and you do it beautifully. sure there are some stories that are better than others, but i believe a LOT of it comes down to personal preference and taste. +3

Anonymous said: even if you are feeling creatively limited, you work hard to continue writing for your readers, and your determination and diligence wILL NOT GO UNNOTICED. i just want you to know that you write amazingly. your syntax is practically immaculate, your characters feel real… the endings of your stories always wrap something up and the strings are tied—even if it isn’t necessarily a happy ending. you can convey hundreds of different characters through WORDS. +4

Anonymous said: i’ll have you know that it’s hard to write. it’s even harder to write about people who aren’t YOU. so as someone who looks up to you a lot, i want to commend you for your writing. some of your fics that i read on a monthly basis: tears of a villain, a piece of the moonlight, head over heels to hell, ghost in the machine, a mark of betrayal, a kiss of poison, until yesterday, the truth between us and arcadia. +5

Anonymous said: to be fair, there were way more fics but i didn’t want to make this message any longer than it already is LOL. i find these pieces wonderful. heart wrenching. and SO DAMN EMOTIONAL IT PLAGUES MY MIND FOR DAYS. also you’re literally one of the few fucking people who can use the em dash correctly. thank you so much for sharing your talent with us! +6

Oh my goodness. I don’t even know what to say, anon. This is a whole damn thesis and it’s about my fics :’> You know, it’s easy to brush off fanfiction as a ‘whatever’ thing and indeed, it isn’t that big of a deal compared to some things in the world. But I really do take all my stories seriously and put forth a lot of effort - so to see it recognized and appreciated it makes me beyond happy. It’s good to know that my efforts haven’t gone to waste at all and that there are people out there who will support me no matter the endeavours I take. Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.

((Also, honestly I picked up the em dash usage after I wrote The Truth Between Us with gukyi who used it. I’m pretty sure I’m not using it right but to hear that I am, god damn that’s a breath of relief right there))

backtobleuside submitted: Are you kidding me!? Your stories don’t lack love at all. They’re the kind of fics that you read, soak it all in and then come back for more. I’ve cried so much when I read Beyond reach, Boo-lieve in me, A piece of the moonlight, His name, Tell me lies etc. etc, and also laughed and felt the emotions of not just the OC, but also the other characters. Kitchen Romance was also so fluffy and sweet and personally, I don’t think that anything needs to be added to it. Anyway, your fics do not lack emotion—you’re probably the first author I send a message to because your stories impacted me a lot and left a strong impression on me. I even imagine your characters as real people who have real lives that continue on even after the story is done.

asdfghjkl thank you :’) I see you every week and sometimes several times at that. I really appreciate your consistent feedback and following. You never fail to send me a message too which I appreciate a lot. I’m glad you’re enjoying everything I’m producing!!

youngfleurever said: Would just like to say that your fics do in fact make me violently sob to the boy where my eyes are so swollen I have trouble opening them the next day and I wake up feeling like there’s sawdust in my mouth because I’m dehydrated.

oh my god. please keep yourself hydrated hahahahhaha more importantly, how do you know what sawdust in your mouth is like. WHAT have you been doing LOL

Anonymous said: I’ve felt emotions that I’ve never felt before when I read your fics.... so as a person that has read your entire masterlist, I DO NOT think that your fics lack emotion.... I hope you don’t feel disheartened because you’re one of my favourite writers, not just on tumblr but like, evER 💓💓💓💓💓💓

Please, even if I was disheartened, the overwhelming amount of feedback and praise has completely overridden it :’)

joonie-mono said: when tumblr deletes the first part of your ask 🙄😌✌️

LOOOOOOOL

haylo4ever said: Sorry had to add my 10 cents. You're such a talented writer,,, I WISH I could write a smol smol 1/1000000000 that you write,,, like I remember when I followed you bc I was in awe of your writing.... I mean?? Sure maybe not every fic hits it with someone but it's just ridic to name drop (a friend nonetheless) when you're all extremely talented writers.

Trust me, writing comes with practice!! I should honestly just tattoo that on me. God knows my first fanfic was absolutely GARBAGE. I didn’t know pacing, didn’t know that I should separate chunks of paragraphs, how to write dialogue or describe scenes properly. I went in blind. Even my second, third and fourth fanfic was garbage. You could definitely get to “my level” or even far surpass it with enough dedication and practice. I mean I’ve been writing for four years, so thank GOD there’s been improvement. I wouldn’t be natural if there wasn’t. But clearly the more you practice, the better you improve! That applies to anything.

The me in ten years will certainly be better now.

Anonymous said: Hi kina! I’m here in support of kitchen romance! I actually didn’t feel like it was missing a ton of fluffy moments (and I say that as a huGE LOVER OF FLUFF) but the story was just as entertaining in the whole chase of them getting closer to each other! It’s honestly one of my favorite one shots I’ve read lately and I’m not saying that lightly! Also, that anon that said your work lacks emotion has probably not read like half of your masterlist bc oO MAN QUEEN OF MAKING ME CRY- black heart anon🖤

Thank you :’]

Anonymous said: Ok I’m very offended wow the audacity!Specially coming for my baby kitchen romance like that story made me feel so much and it’s only one of the many fics you have written kina like I’m literally baffled like dynasty has made me cry scream happy and hot all at the same time and I was literally just thinking about it that whole weekend and this anon has the nerve to say your stories lack emotions?When you are literally the queen of show casing all types of emotions in your stories!You did it all

Anonymous said: Also 😭😭😭😂😂😩hoooooooow and whereeee did they see any lack of love and emotions like have you read jungle park???? Inside my mind??? FREAKING SUGAR AND COFFEE (like this fic is made with love and I- ) Actually you know what , just read the whole masterlist😩😩💗💗💗

LOL tbh I didn’t expect Dynasty to receive the love it has. I was actually kind of wary when posting it cause it’s kind of Wild. 

bangtans-peaceful-piegon said: just gotta say u handled that whole anon thing so well which not only makes me admire u as a writer but even more as a person :] (i mean i knew u were gr8 before the whole deal but yeah love ya 💛)

tbh, I’m not sure how well I handled it cause I was flooded with over 30 messages afterwards (evidently) ;_; which I love and appreciate but I’m not really as hurt as some people think hahaha criticism should be received well but it’s still hard not to take personally tbh. It’s gonna have to be something I work on or perhaps it’ll be one of those things that I’ll take better with age.

[sitinthelight]

Zach’s gone for a few days!

I have the day off today :D I’m in a cheerful let’s get shit done mood!

The reason Zach is gone is pretty sad. He left to see his grandmother who is really sick as her stage 4 cancer is progressing and they don’t know how much time she has left.

Even with everything going on between us, I kind of wish I could have gone with him to see his family and give them my best wishes. I love his family. I will miss them, even if they hate me. They’ve been the closest thing I’ve ever had to a big family and they’ve shown me so much love and adoration. His grandmother who is sick gave me a sewing machine that I finally just learned how to use and it’s a really nice one. She was going to teach me quilting but I’ll probably have to take classes at a hobby shop for that eventually.

So that’s pretty sad but honestly, with him out of the apartment, the sad and negative atmosphere has lifted. It’s just me and the pets (: I’ve already worked on cleaning the kitchen and while realistically, I know I can’t get the whole apartment cleaned in one day, I can fucking try. I’ve been listening to a ton of Kevin Abstract. Like, Brockhampton is really great and I love listening to them but sometimes they can be either tooooo slow (with the newest album) or too heavy. Kevin Abstract is just perfect for what I’m feeling right now and I’m really enjoying it. I don’t know how I got into rap and hip hop and some r&b but like, when I’m in the mood, it’s great. Lizzo has also been my favorite artist to do my morning workouts to. 

I do want to make this day off count. Because my next day off is literally next Wednesday. My shifts are mostly 6 hour shifts so they don’t take up so much of my day but like, I never want to do much except relax after work. Zach left his PS4 so I can play Persona 5 (: 

Scott got me into it and I’ve been slacking at playing (along with let’s go Eevee) so I may play a bit after I get off work tomorrow. 

Zach has been reassuring me that he’ll be fine if I break up with him and it’s been, comforting. Really weird. But comforting. I know most break ups are premeditated to a degree, but this is a little weird to go through. I don’t think he will be fine, but him saying that does make me feel a little better and does show he is being more mature than I thought he would be about the situation. He doesn’t know for sure that I’m breaking up. Honestly, I am having doubts about it myself but like, I need the space to grow. I want to focus on myself and what it takes to make me a better person mentally and physically. 

Physically, I’m doing pretty well. I’m having a lot of fun switching up my diet. I slipped up and ate like 3 donuts yesterday because Zach bought a dozen from Krispy Kreme. Like, we have the Original Krispy Kreme location in this city! A lot of things originated from here! Krispy Kreme is one of them. 

I should have stuck to just one. I woke up feeling kind of sick and like a sugary bile wanted to escape by going up my throat. I feel better now but I did skip breakfast because of it and just have been drinking a lot of water and a cold brew. 

I’ve been experimenting with meat alternatives. Meatless meats and tofu. It’s been an interesting journey and honestly, I feel like I could go vegetarian or even vegan one day. Maybe not full fledged vegetarian. I think I’d still want meat like once or twice a month but I’ve never been that big of a meat eater so I think I could manage. But I found a brand that makes meatless meatballs and ground beef and I’m blown away by how good it is. I also found a way to prepare tofu so that I actually enjoy it rather than forcing myself to eat it so that’s been pretty cool too. 

Part of me is pretty excited to share these things with my mom and sister. My sister is doing better with healthy eating. My mom slips constantly. I get my lack of self control from her. She’s diabetic so it’s problematic so hopefully living with me for a little while can help them get into better eating habits. 

I’m honestly already looking forward to this period of just going to work and taking classes. I’ll still feel stressed on multiple levels but I won’t have to deal with the negativity that Zach creates and it’ll take a load off of me. I also am already looking forward to moving to Charlotte. I don’t know what kind of job I’ll be able to land over there so I know I won’t be able to immediately get an apartment for a good price in the perfect location or anything. But all I need is a generally safe place to live (being a young female with only mace to protect myself with). I’m already planning on redoing my room design. I have a color scheme in mind. There is a chance that I might already have a roommate but it’s way too soon to know because both of our lives are constantly changing and that’s a-okay. 

Charlotte is a cool place. Always things to do. Interesting bars to go to (God, I miss bar hopping and dancing). Temples to visit because I want to learn Vietnamese and more about the culture in general. They have an airport because I do want to travel more. Tons of community groups and clubs and chances to volunteer for things I believe in and want to support. So many opportunities to see my favorite bands and musicals. Lots of places to go shopping. It’s not too far from a lot of cities in NC where I want to go gem mining (I want to join a rockhounding group). I also want to take dance classes or martial arts once I’ve established a stable career and have finished school. Charlotte is hella expensive but I totally see why a ton of people are still moving there. 

That’s my current longish term goal. Short term goal right now is to make the transition to moving to Wilson and saving money for Charlotte. 

I’m almost done paying off one of my medical bills! That means I’ll have finished paying off two :D and that’s so exciting because then I’ll just have to focus on the credit card debt (most of it is medical too, the irony). All to prepare for student loan debt which intimidates me but I’ll survive. So many people have it worse. I know someone who owes like $70,000 and omg will we please elect an presidential candidate who wants to help eliminate or soften the blow of student loans and just high tuition prices in general. 

Like, Biden right now is ranking highest on the list of favorable Democrats who are officially in the running. But I’m just not feeling him. He hasn’t come out with a lot of specific stances yet and is just kind of coasting off his general likability and popularity. I’m kind of disappointed to see him topping the list when there are so many good candidates out there right now! All have their flaws but I’m more focused on how they can change the overall election climate and how this country functions. Because this current president sucks. I’ve given up keeping up with news stories. So maybe I’m a few days late on learning about the newest school shooting or revolutions and riots happening in other countries. Not seeing all of that at once on my newsfeed keeps me from feeling hopeless and overwhelmed and honestly has really helped me mentally. I deleted facebook for like a month and now that I have it back, I honestly have barely opened it.I didn't miss it. 

Also, in regards to my last post, I don’t think I’m a bad person. I make unwise decisions but I’m human. I can’t help the emotions I feel, just how I react to them so I’m just going to try being better. My head feels clearer now and like there are still concerns that I have and a lot of hard things to get through, but I’ll get through them! I’ll be fine no matter what direction I end up in or what happens! If the thing with my ex doesn’t work out for whatever reason then so be it! I’ll get over it! I’m pretty, I’m smart, someone out there will find me super interesting and once I start going to therapy, I can learn how to talk to people and make more friends and I’ll be fine in the long run. I just want to focus more on what I want and be selfish for a little bit. I think that’s okay. I think I deserve that. 

Cordelia is napping next to me and she’s laying on her back and making funny little snoring noises. Her foot is twitching. Omg, she’s so cute. I’m kind of excited that I probably get to keep her even though she is a little menace. I’m hoping that she’ll grow out of it once she’s past her kitten/young cat stage. So it may be a few years but heres to hoping she’ll become a chill cat. 

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 79

I'm like honestly surprised that I didn't end up crying today. I got there and had to use the restroom but somebody was in there so I was standing in the waiting area and Lynn came out and invited me in so I just went in. She asked me how I was doing and I said good and I asked how she was. She said she was good, and we both sat down. She asked how my week has been and I said I don't know but that it's been kind of on the rough side but that we could start with something that's kind of happy. She was like OK and I was like I did something kind of impulsive but kind of not impulsive because you know that I don't do anything impulsive and she was like what is it and I was like I booked a flight to New York and I'm going to stay in the city with my brother and just see if you Broadway shows. I joked that if my husband could spend 1000 bucks on hockey tickets and Shirley I could spend a few hundred on just seeing Broadway shows. I told her about how my brother's girlfriend apparently is a professional dancer and is into yoga and is vegan and really likes theater to so she said she would see if you shows with me so that's kind of my plan at this point. I told her that I was anxious because I hadn't told my mom yet and I'm not really sure how she's going to take it because I'm not planning on going to visit my parents but I think that maybe I will ask them if they want to have dinner with me in the city one night. I told her that I booked the same flights that she had told me about through a small airline and she was like yeah some of those prices have gone up for the summer and she said united had flights for $200 round-trip and I was like oh well that's good to know but I already just booked mine LOL and it was $200 so I guess it worked out. She said that she was looking up flights for herself and playing around with it and had found those tickets, but she said that sounded like a really good idea and a nice vacation for myself. I said yeah but we will see how this goes with talking to my mom about it. I told her about how I went to the dentist and got really upset about my enamel being messed up and how I went on this shame spiral of how I've fucked myself up and how on the car ride there I was thinking about how as a kid when I would go to the dentist I didn't mind the dentist but I knew my brother was terrified of the dentist and so he got to go to the special pediatric dentist where there was like candy and video games and toys and even though he would have tantrums and be terrified my parents went out of their way to take care of him and that honestly makes me mad because I was like you know that that's not how it was for me when I was scared about anything. Lynn nodded and I was like I don't know it's just really frustrating because and Emily is something that will never grow back I mean there's treatments that they can do to help hard in the enamel but once it's gone it's gone. I was like and I mean the other big thing is that my husband and I had a huge fight last night. I explained everything that happened and I tried to explain that I was shitty and I wasn't supportive and she was kind of like I mean you have it in you you're compassionate for your clients so maybe you just need to reframe it. I explained that my husband pointed out that I'm essentially just mirroring my parents behavior with being crazy and rigid and upset sieve about health concerns and I don't think she really grasp exactly what I meant per se but she pointed out that while my parents are extreme, there is some truth in what they believe as far as it is good to do your own research and it is good to look at changing your diet or seeking out alternative medicine. She said anytime she has clients who have autoimmune diseases she refers to alternative medical practices because it's not a hard fixable science and it's always complicated to treat so the more things you can try to figure out what works, The better. She said that she thinks all of it is connected and what you eat is obviously going to influence your health and that her husband also has some health issues with really bad asthma and allergies and things like that and that she will occasionally be like you don't think it has something to do with the Lucky charms when he is complaining about his health and she was like you know maybe your husband isn't receptive to things like that right now and maybe he will eventually but that's his stuff to figure out and you can't control him. And I was like that's the problem is that I feel controlling and that I want to control what he does and she was like well because you care and I was like yeah but what I'm doing isn't exactly helpful and she was like exactly so you need to stop acting on what you were feeling and just be supportive. She said that she doesn't think there is anything wrong and what I am suggesting but that if he isn't receptive to hearing it and then maybe I need to take a step back and just let him work through it on his own. She pointed out that my husband has a lot of trauma and like I know from the ace study it's possible that his auto immune disorder might have been caused from all of the chronic stress in childhood. I hadn't really thought of that but it definitely made sense and she said that her friends son had a lot of allergies that were severe and several near death experience is as a kid and now at 18 he developed vitiligo and they said that any time a kid gets it that young it's almost always because of chronic stress on the body. I honestly hadn't thought of it but it would certainly make sense. She pointed out that that kid having had so many near death experiences was definitely under a lot of stress throughout his life and given all that she knows about him it makes sense. I tried to explain that it was my fault for the fight but she pointed out that he didn't respond well and that I was obviously triggering something that was extreme and caused him to act more like a little kid version of himself with kicking the table and saying he hates me and believing because she pointed out that that's kind of something that a little kid would do you where they say they hate you and then they run out. I was like I guess that's true but I still was not being supportive and she was like well that's something that you can work on them and I was like yeah hopefully I'm trying and I explained that it just makes me so mad because it's like I know that my parents made me this crazy kind of person about all of these things and I don't know how to be normal about it and she was like well you are able to have compassion for your clients so maybe put yourself in that kind of Frame of mind and just try to remember that mindset and act as if you are trying to be compassionate for a client because I know it's in there because you obviously care about him a lot and I was like yeah and that's why am so crazy about wanting to make sure that he gets real quality care. She also suggested that I consider just not even talking about his health issues with him and I was like yeah we decided that would be for the best anyway. She said she thinks that he's projecting his fear on to me and that's not really fair either and she thinks this isn't really about me as much as it is that he's afraid and she also pointed out that a lot of times people do not want to except responsibility for themselves or the work it takes to actually change and she pointed out that look at diabetes and how we have like 70,000 people a year have to have limbs removed because they won't change their diets. She pointed out that things would have to get bad enough for him to really want to do that change but I can't do it for him and I can't force him because that will only make him mad and not want to do what I have to say anyway. I was like yeah that's true, I would just hate for it to continually get worse for him to get to a point where he realizes he needs to do things differently. I told her about my friend Meaghan's husband who has it and every three months he has to go get his levels checked and adjusted and if he misses his appointment and it gets pushed back a few weeks he always ends up either super depressed or super angry and raging and they have to try to get it level again. She said she hopes that he does something sooner than later then and I was like yeah, and she was like so is that it? And I was like yeah and she was like so not a bad week and I was like I mean those things all felt pretty bad and like my husband has never told me that he'd me before and she was like so that's a bad moment but that wasn't an entirely bad week. She pointed out that a lot of times we obsess over the bad moments and Forget the positive ones and completely overlooked them and forget that they all pass. She read me part of an article on boundaries with narcissistic parents and she was like I read part of this to my daughter yesterday and I was like why are you a narcissist and she was like no but this part about boundaries was really good and we all need to learn how to have boundaries with people in general and I laughed and was like OK. She was like so the article specifically about narcissistic parents and I was like well my parents that I have some of those traits and she was like yes they most certainly do an article was good and she was like I'll send it to you so you can read the whole thing but it's about having those parent boundaries. I said also that my period came for days early and that hasn't happened since like 2016 so I don't know what was happening but I was very emotional and really struggled with self harm thoughts but that I literally did anything and everything I could to cope hopefully and I didn't do it and she was like well good and said how it takes time but the more time I spend redirecting my behavior when bad thoughts come up, the more my brain will re-wire itself to not respond that way. I could tell that Lynn was looking at the clock like we didn't have enough time to do EMD are, so she went with the route of figuring out a preparation plan for taking this trip and talking to my mom about it. She suggested explaining to my parents that I work a lot and that I want this trip to be more like a vacation which I was like honestly Lynn when I come visit them they always plan things for us to do so I think they would actually be offended. She was like oh OK that makes sense, bad example. She was like well you can say that you are going to be spending time with your brother and his girlfriend and she asked if my parents like his girlfriend and I was like LOL he hasn't told them that he has a girlfriend and she just burst out laughing and was like oh my God the two of you, you both could have your own little club and I was like yeah I know. I was like I don't know if he's waiting to tell them because he doesn't think it will last and she was like wait does he like her and I was like honestly I don't really know. It hasn't been very long and initially he said she was super crazy. Lynn was like oh good you get to play therapist for the weekend and I was like no definitely not LOL but I was like it sounded like it was just with being jealous and that she like freaked out about my brother hanging out at their apartment when this other girl was there waiting for her boyfriend to get home and they've been friends for like a year and that he basically said the boundary and was like listen if you don't stop acting crazy then we can't date and she had cried and he was like you've literally known me for two weeks like you shouldn't care about me this much LOL. She was like oh OK and I was like yeah so if my brother tells my parents about his girlfriend then I can say something about that but I'm not really sure when he's planning on doing that so I guess I can ask him. I told her about the idea for just like a Sunday dinner and she was like that sounds like a good plan. She talked about me preparing to have anxiety while I make that phone call and I was like I mean can I just text her and she was kind of like well I mean you can and I was like I just feel like that would give me less anxiety and she was like well then text her, maybe keeping it less emotional is the best. She pointed out that I could always make my text sound like I'm excited to have dinner with them and excited to go to the city and see shows and make it sound very positive and I was like yeah and then if she goes all Debbie downer and nasty I can be like if you aren't going to be positive then you can't hang out with me and she laughed and was like yeah that's exactly what the article was talking about and I was like if only I had the courage to say something crazy like that. She pointed out that my husband is supportive of the trip right? And I was like honestly he wasn't and she was like really why? And I was like well when I first told him that I was thinking about it he was like not thinking it was a good idea because he knows it will start a huge fight with my parents and she was like well I guess that would fit for him to feel fearful especially with your history and I was like yeah. She pointed out again that it's better that I have these really difficult conversations now than later once I have kids and I was like well honestly they might be better once I have kids and she was like why and I was like I don't know because apparently they've become the perfect parents now that I'm not there a little kid anymore and she laughed and was like salty LMAO. I was like just a tad. I was like who knows maybe they learn something sitting through those parenting classes that the county made them due to be foster parents and she was like yeah that's true maybe they have and I was like my mom said she didn't know she was supposed to spend time with me and now I'm just like what the fuck how was that not into it if they should spend time with your child? Isn't that intuitive? And Lynn was kind of just like I mean it should be and she was like well we know for sure your parents are going to try to be controlling over your kids food and I was like you know what I would expect that but at the same time they didn't do that for the foster kids and she was like wait for real? They didn't make them be healthy? And I was like no they kept the junk food in the house and stuff but I think it's because the county had suggested they keep food that they are familiar with in the home and she was like oh well Doug that makes sense they would Buy junk food because the county basically told him so and also because you can't really start foster kids or you might get in trouble and I was like I mean yeah I guess there's that but now that they've been adopted they make healthy food and they've just figured out which healthy foods the kids like because they still come to visit and these kids are super weird and love salads and fermented vegetables so they always make that and Hannah likeloves cooking with my dad so he calls her his little chef and she helps him cook in the kitchen together and laying could tell that I was being salty again and I was like yeah it's actually really fucking cute it's just annoyingly whatever because that wasn't me as a little kid but it could've been. She asked me if I can predict how my mom will respond and I was like honestly I don't know because remember she said she's not holding in her feelings anymore which Lynn left and I was like so I don't really know. I've never done something like this before so it's hard to know how she will react. She could easily go off the handle because this is so quickly after Mother's Day which we know was a shit show, or she could take the passive aggressive route and make a few backhanded comments. She suggested that I really make sure that I have my support circle ready to go in case of the conversation with my mom about the trip goes poorly and she suggested telling the people from my church group. I told him that I would and I was like you know honestly I don't think I realized just how abnormal my parents behaviors were until more recent years and especially lately, like even with Mother's Day that phone call with me I ended up crying and feeling so horribly guilty and sad and it was like this terrible I've fucked up three mothers days now and it's all my fault but then every time that I've told somebody that story, which I've told my therapist and the church group and my husband and book club, I'm still surprised by how people react because they're always like wait she seriously said that him was that artificial? And I'm like kind of Floored by the fact that other people recognize immediately just how crazy that is. Lynn laughed and was like tell them the story about her pouring out half of your milk, that's my favorite mom story of yours that you've told me and I was like oh my God, but honestly that felt so normal and she was like I know it did that's why you acted like that was normal the hallway that you even told me that story was casual and as if that was just another common story to tell but that's so abnormal and crazy to think that she really felt like she could Control you that way. I laughed and was like you mean you wouldn't try to control your daughters calories by pouring half of her milk down the drain? Lynn laughed and was like I'm pretty sure my daughter is with slug me if I even attempted something like that, or if they would pack up their bags and be like I'm leaving. She asked which shows I want to see him and I was like I don't really know I feel like there's no bad shows and she was like yeah that's true, and I just didn't really feel like explaining my process of rushing dear Evan Hansen and the whole ticket booth thing but whatever. She said she was excited for me and that it was a great idea for a relaxing little trip. She talked about scheduling and how this month is still kind of weird until the last week and she was like well we could do the day after you get back from your trip or that week after and I was like well I guess we should do the day after just in case if things go bad with my mom and she was like yeah that definitely sounds like a better plan. So we scheduled for that and we will stagger having that following week off and I will see her the last week of the month. I paid her and asked if she was still billing my insurance and she was like yeah why is it not going through? And I was like no it is I think I was just making sure because you had brought up not billing insurance anymore and she was like oh no that hasn't happened yet but I would definitely let you know in advance. She said that she is thinking maybe the fall but is going to give everyone a letter with three months notice and I was like OK well that's nice. And I was like the fall, so a.k.a. once my deductible has been met and she was like oh man I'm sorry maybe I can push it out a little bit.

[dragonbornoflegend]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45,46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, and 100. My hand hurts now.

Lord have mercy upon my soul 1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? I always try and have a decent balance with the two, but I lean towards more milk. 2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? It depends. If I've just left a warm place, it feels refreshing, but if I'm already outside and cold then it feels like death.3) what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Right now I'm alternating between an astrology card I got from a fortune teller machine in a Spinelli's and a dollar bill that has the word "BONER" written on it. 4: how do you take your coffee/tea? Coffee sweet with shit like chocolate or pumpkin spice, and tea usually iced with enough sugar to taste the diabetes.5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yep 🙃 I lost my retainer in the 8th grade so my teeth are Fucked Up™6: do you keep plants? I certainly try, but I'm kind of like Timmy's mom from Fairly Odd Parents7: do you name your plants? Yep! I used to have a bromeliad named George before I accidentally killed it. 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I tend more to just bottle them up lmao but if I had to pick one it would be writing 9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I do, but I refrain from doing so in public out of respect for others 10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? I'm a stomach sleeper. It's painful. 11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? Most of my jokes honestly. "Just watch some porn and eat more chocolate", "you got a 30 on your ACT", the implication that I on the reg put it in @fuckthepersonthattookmyusername's ass, stuff like that. 12: what's your favorite planet? I feel like I should say Earth since I live on it? But I also highkey relate to Pluto bc I, too, constantly struggle with validation. 13: what's something that made you smile today? My dogs. My Big Dumb one is chasing his tail in front of me as I type this. 14: if you were to live with your best friend(s) in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Spacious, with lots of plants and a goat skull hanging on the wall. A nice kitchen. My dog is there and healthy. 15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! I don't have my glasses on and at first glance I thought this said "weird spice fact" and I got really excited. I did google a space, fact, though, and I learned that Neutron stats can spin at a rate of 600 rotations per second. 16: what's your favorite pasta dish? Does "all of them" not count? If I had to pick one, right now it's tortellini. 17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Silver. I do love my red, though. 18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. Basically everything I do that exemplifies how dumb I am lmao. I almost didn't graduate high school and they nag me parent-style about that one a lot.19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I do not, I've tried before but I've never known what to write in it. Plus I'm always way too paranoid that someone will find and read it. 20: what's your favorite eye color? @stripper-boots's 21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. The only bag I really have that's lasted a while (I abuse my bags lol) is an orange drawstring with a skull printed on it. It's got some weeaboo buttons on it bc for a while it was my convention bag. Now I mostly use it to collect buttons on. 22: are you a morning person? Absolutely not. If allowed to I will sleep until 2 pm with no issues.23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Usually just sit around and watch YouTube/Netflix or play video games. Today is actually one of those few days, actually. I've got plans on running to the local farmer's market too so I can plant some herbs later on. 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? I have people I would trust not to tell anyone else, but I still wouldn't ever tell them. It's less a trust issue and more that I just don't want anyone knowing some of these things. 25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? An abandoned church compound. It was a big lot full of tons of old buildings. Some of them were used for storage and had a bunch of newer stuff in it but some of them looked like old schoolhouses and dorms. The desks inside had schoolwork dated from the 70s in them. The place has since been leveled, though. It's a shame. 26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My combat boots. They've seen hell, basically. 27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? I can't remember the name, but 5 gum has these two that are great. One is a fruity flavor that kind of tastes like Monster and one is a mint that's great because it's not as harsh as most other mint gums.28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset, probably. I'm usually awake to see that one more. 29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Exist. 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? On one hand, I think so, but on another hand I do have that "could be worse" issue. Yesterday I was woken up by a man I didn't know knocking on my door and then literally climbing on my roof. After he got down he started banging on my door and yelling. That was pretty terrifying but I do feel like it could have gone much worse. 31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I do enjoy weird patterned socks, I think they're cute. White socks are demon spawn tho. I also despise sleeping with socks on. I went through a phase in middle school in which I exclusively wore fuzzy socks. Never again.32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Boy do I have a story to share. I once went out to watch Rogue One with @stripper-boots and another friend, and somehow the night ended with us picking up another person, stealing a grocery cart from a CVS near my school, and driving through our old high school's parking lot while someone sat in the cart and held on to my van. We would then hit the brakes and the person in the cart would let go and see how far they would keep rolling. It was absolutely amazing. 33: what's your fave pastry? Listen, I'm a baking and pastry student, I can't pick just one. If I had to narrow it down, I love making turnovers and scones. Blackberry and sage scones are absolutely amazing. 34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I kept (and currently keep) two stuffed Dalmatians named Spot and Pongo (I was a creative kid, I know). I've had them since I was born and they're both incredibly dear to me. 35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? I always want to, but almost every time I end up too afraid to use them because I want to wait and find something that would be worth using them for (spoiler alert: I never do). So I've stopped getting them lol36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? Probably The Neighborhood or something like that. I'm feeling pretty mellow today. 37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I like to keep it super clean (even if it occasionally gets messy thanks to depression). The people I live with are pretty messy and it gets to me pretty badly so I try to have at least one clean area that I can retreat to.38: tell us about your pet peeves! Hoo boy, here we go. I cannot stand it when people chew with their mouths open (people that have to due to some sort of disability or something don't count, ofc). It is seriously one of the grossest things in the world to me and it honestly makes me uncomfortable to the depths of my very soul. Most of my family and a few of my friends do it, too, and it absolutely kills me. I also can't stand it when people put their feet on things or when they do something I've asked them not to because they find it humorous. 39: what color do you wear the most? Black. I'm still a little emo kid at heart. Plus I own all dark haired animals lol. 40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? I wear a collar around my wrist that belonged to a dog we fostered. It's from when he was a puppy, which I think is pretty great because as he grew up he ended up coming up to my hip with his shoulder. Seriously, he was huge. 41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? Both of the books in the Kingmaker, Kingbreaker series. I read them my sophomore year of high school and I still think about them a lot. I'm not even sure why, they just struck a chord with me and I absolutely love them. 42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I feel obligated to say the one that belongs to my school. It's basically the only one that I really frequent, anyways. The cafe mochas are amazing. 43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Honestly, I can't remember the last time I actually stargazed. It's definitely been a while.44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Probably before I was born. My mom smoked a lot of weed while pregnant with me so I'd imagine I was a pretty chill little fetus. 45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Anxiety won't let me. 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. Basically any pun my chef instructor this past quarter told us lol. Or anything that comes from @stripper-boots47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Candy corn 48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I was always terrified of tornadoes, to the point that some nights I would just lay awake and cry because I was afraid that a tornado would come crashing through my house, even on nights with nice weather. I'm no longer that afraid of them, but I do still get really nervous when it storms out.49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I love CDs! I haven't bought one in a while, but the most recent one I "acquired" (aka stole from my dad) was the Cloud Atlas soundtrack. 50: what's an odd thing you collect? Sadness. 51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? I associate the song "Fuck You" with my mom. Because fuck her. 52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? All of them53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I've seen Rocky Horror and parts of Beetlejuice. They're both pretty awesome. 54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? Myself in the mirror lmao55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? I try not to be dramatic that much? Idk. I'm answering all 100 questions of this rn to prove that I'm not a little bitch. 56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Genuine care. Like honestly, someone can act caring towards me once and there we go, I think they're great and want to be their friend. 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? You mean there aren't people that dramatically reenact the lyrics? 58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? @thenomoreotaku is the self-proclaimed wine mom. I feel like @stripper-boots is the vodka aunt. 59: what's your favorite myth? Listen I love mythology, do not get me started. Just all of them. 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I really like "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening" from Robert Frost and basically anything from Neil Hilborn. 61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? Every gift I give is stupid. I'm not very good at giving gifts. 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? I'm not really a fan of juice. 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I want to be organized but I am Not. 64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Kind of a light gray with some blue. It rained last night. 65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? I haven't seen my friends since Saturday night, does that count as a long time? 66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Anything with bright flowers (probably red) and maybe some Quartz on it too. I actually plan on making some soon. 67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? I like the melancholy feel but I hate how humid it is when it's misty so I'm kind of on the fence about it. 68: what's winter like where you live? Normally I would say Fucking Cold but this winter was actually pretty warm so?? Thanks global warming. 69: what are your favorite board games? I really like Betrayal at House on The Hill, and I appreciate the cutthroat factor of Monopoly. I was also recently introduced to Arkham Horror and it was pretty lit. 70: have you ever used a ouija board? Nope71: what's your favorite kind of tea? I have this black tea that's cacao mint flavored and I love it 72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? YEP73: what are some of your worst habits? All of them. 74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Listen I have like, 3.5 friends this is going to be a pain to choose one. I have one that's pretty saint-like lately. Bc they're holey. 75: tell us about your pets! They're all amazing and I love them. I have a 6 year old blue pitbull named Jinxx, 3 year old Presa Canario named Murdoc, a 9 year old brown tabby cat named Tiger, a fluffy black cat named PJ that's somewhere between 7-9, and a betta fish named Radicchio. 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? Going to the farmer's market and cleaning my house. 77: pink or yellow lemonade? I don't like lemonade 😐78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I will hate minions until the day I die 79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? My friends literally made me a bedroom. 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? They're just white. I wanted to paint them but I never got a chance before we moved in. 81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. He much will everyone hate me if I use "azure pools" 82: are/were you good in school? Definitely not lol. I think I'm getting better now that I'm college though. 83: what's some of your favorite album art? I really like some of the drawings from Alesana's album The Emptiness. That's all I can think of off the top of my head.84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I currently have one tattoo of my cat, and I plan on getting something baking related (probably a quote about bread) and something Wizard of Oz related. 85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I always mean to but I've never actually gotten around to it. 86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I love concept albums. Alesana did three concept albums in a row that were all related and I absolutely adore them. 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Cloud Atlas, Uno: The Movie88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Do Snapchat filters count 89: are you close to your parents? Occasionally with my dad, but not with my mom 90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. The one I live in lol. Louisville is pretty lit. Lots of good food. 91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I'm hoping to make it to Sandusky for ColossalCan in the beginning of June.92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? There is never enough cheese 93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? My sidecut. It's basically my most recognizable trait at this point. 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My stepbrother's birthday is the 14th 95: what are your plans for this weekend? I'm not sure, but I'm hoping to chill with the D&D squad and play some more board games. 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I can't remember the last time I installed an update on my computer 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ISTP, Libra, Slytherpuff98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Probably year or so ago. Hiking is lit. 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Stressed Out from top because I'm always stressed 🙃100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? I wouldn't press either tbh. Leave that shit how it is.

[theleftoverurl]

My goodness, do I have a lot of updates queued on my life hahaha. I’ve just been so busy over the last 3 days, and I wanted to update what I’ve been up to, but I had to finish my Onc-Pall assignment, so here we are finally.

On Thursday night, Claudooey, Kate and I had pizza and Pimm’s at the Whitehouse, because it was the Whitehouse’s 7th birthday, and then Clauds slept over at ours. We got back pretty early, but Kate and Claudia were super tired and so they went to bed pretty early and the night was actually kind of listless after we got back from the Whitehouse. I watched some TV in bed because it was so early. At 8, I got my friends up and said goodbye because I had to get to Calvary for CPCT. They were off to Bondi Junction and Coogee for coffee and some shopping and I was lowkey jealous and sad because I felt like I didn’t get to bond with Claudia as much as I wanted to, but I gave her a hug and thought at least I would see her at REXTAB (but I didn’t because she hurt her ankle last minute and decided not to go).

The journey to Calvary was uneventful, but I was excited for CPCT because it’s palliative care home visits, and Will and Kuheli both said that it was the best part of the palliative care term, and everybody wanted to go, like Leonard was mad that he didn’t get to because it wasn’t on his timetable. I was cutting it a bit fine public transport-wise – I had to get to Calvary by 9:30 and when I arrived at Kogarah it was 9:35, but it only takes 8min to bus there, so I figured I would be okay. I sat at the bus stop till 9:40, and the bus still hadn’t come which struck me as odd. I was also now panicking that I would be too late for CPCT, so I rang Calvary in advance, and the nurse who picked up said not to worry, the team would wait for me, but 2min later, Quinlan texts, saying that the team is leaving now, and they were looking for me. I message back explaining my situation, that the bus hadn’t come, and then realise that oh shit, I’ve been standing at the wrong bus stop. I race to the correct one, only to find out that the bus doesn’t come until 9:53. I message Quinlan I’ll be there by 10, but I get the impression that the team will have left by then – no confirmation either way from Q though.

I race into Calvary and to the CPCT office. Quinlan answers the door, and instead of letting me talk to anyone else, he blocks the door with his body and tells me to go find Jane Marre. I figure she’s my CPCT nurse (although I can’t really work out why I couldn’t have just gone with his team) and head up to level 3 to try and find her. I see an office on level 3 and ask for Jane Marre, but nobody knows who she is. I tell them she’s from CPCT and they try to lead me back down to level 2. By now I’m really frustrated because I know this is a pointless exercise because she’s not on level 3 or 2 meaning she’s probably left. Quinlan answers the door again and won’t let the man helping me find her (Albert) or me in and repeats what he said before. We head back up to level 3 and it’s only as we’re walking past all of the doors with the nameplates that Albert realises that I’m asking for Jan Maree, the coordinator of the course. He drops me at her office, and as soon as she answers she knows what’s up because of Quinlan and my phone call and I just know now it’s all too late because Jan isn’t the nurse waiting for me and now I’m going to be stuck on ward rounds and I’m so tired and frustrated that all these tears start to well up in my eyes and then I’m crying over public transport when there are people literally dying around me throughout the palliative care hospital.

Jan is a bit shook and so is Albert, so Albert gets me a glass of water and Jan sits me down and we have a chat about how hard life is for interstate students because we have the same problems as international students but no support (something I do feel is true, but was irrelevant to my current tears) and she kept emphasizing I wasn’t in trouble for being late, but I was too gaspy and teary to explain I wasn’t sad about that, I was sad that I missed an opportunity I was actually excited for and I felt cheated because I had fucked up the bus stop but I had been travelling here for 2 hours straight and I rang the hospital up and I talked to Q, so I honestly didn’t feel like I could have done anything earlier or quicker to get here on time, given I was so tired from all the previous day’s 9-4s. She asked me about breakfast and I said I hadn’t had any, so she brought me a piece of cake and let me clean myself up in the staff bathroom before putting me on a ward round with Will, one of the regs.

The ward round was alright, I was tearful through the first patient but really pulled myself together because I had to. His ward round was worth joining because there were a few families who had come in to thank Calvary specifically for the role they had in giving their relatives a good death and they were joking about having a membership to all come in later and it just really highlighted how important a good death was and the impact the high level of care had made on the families. I also got to see 2 terminally ill patients, and they were very at peace, which kind of counteracted the way I saw death as a bit violent and painful, like someone struggling to breathe, but I think all of that’s from the movies. In the end, dying can be painless and peaceful if all the symptoms are managed appropriately, and I really think it took seeing the dying patients at peace to realise that. Will was intimidated enough by Jan Maree that he upped their morphine doses, because she was the doc on-call over the weekend and he knew that he was being too conservative about the morphine, probably because he was more inexperienced than Jan Maree. I left his round early to try and get some lunch, but I just wanted to see my friends because I missed them.

I checked the conference room and the board rooms, but they weren’t there, and I couldn’t find anyone until I spotted them at the end of Frank Brennan’s round, which I did yesterday. Because I couldn’t find anybody else, I jumped in for the same stories that I heard yesterday – Frank went over the long-term and short-term effects of using steroids: hypertension, diabetes and Cushing’s syndrome, central adiposity + nape fat pad, proximal myopathy, sleep disturbance and immunosuppression. And he went a bit further and told us in an exam to say we would monitor blood glucose, BP and white cells, which makes sense but was a good thing to add. He then told the story of William Osler and Harvey Cushing and how Harvey was really into the pituitary gland and looked after William Osler’s son during WWII. Despite his best efforts however, Osler’s son died. He wrote Osler’s biography and won a Pulitzer for it which is rare for a doctor. Then some other guy comes along and writes Cushing’s biography and is so into their story that he writes one for Osler too, so now there are two side-by-side companion histories. I love Dr Brennan’s stories and history because I think that medical history being taught is so rare but also interesting.

After the ward round was over, Leonard and I tried to get a flu jab upstairs, but they couldn’t give them to us as there had been a power outage for 3 hours the night before and they didn’t know if their flu shots had kept. We went back to the conference room but took a detour to the chapel, which was very tall and circular, but quite nice really. We poked around some of the hymn books and then headed. I scabbed lunch off all my friends because I was too cheap to buy it from the café and it was very expensive and quite average. I had free Arnott’s biscuits from a bowl in the conference room, and then Daniel gave me the remainder of his soybeans, Steph gave me an Uncle Toby’s muesli bar and Leonard gave me half a mandarin. Not bad work for a scab. Lunch conversation was good and chill, but Alicia heard that I cried and put her hand comfortingly on my back twice which was gross. I hate her so much at this point that her touch revulsed me. I’m not sure why I have such a negative reaction to her when there are equally terrible people, but I find her personality so toxic that just being around her is draining.

We had to present a topic and last night when Kate and Claudia went to bed early, I tidied up our presentation and pimped it out with spicy depression memes and cute graphics, so I was feeling pretty good about ours even though it was on the fly. They were only supposed to be 5-10min long apparently, but everyone (typical meddies) had missed the memo and provided like hugely boring 30min long talks on pharmacology and other things. Ours had the least info but was entertaining because of my fantastic memes (hehehe) so at the end when we had just emphasized that diagnostic criteria is bad for cancer patients with depression so you have to use your common sense when diagnosing it, Jan Maree actually said it was the best presentation they’d had in awhile from students. Probably true, because I can imagine there’s generally little effort put in, med students have no sense of humour, and our question wasn’t really very hard, so it was good that we managed to get people listening (particularly the Sutherland kids, because they would have wanted to pay no attention, knowing our topic had less substance). Afterwards we had a wrap-up and Jan Maree went around the room saying what we had learned from our time at Calvary. It was all basic and then Alicia had a cry about a dead family member and how good palliative care here was comparative to Malaysia and I actually just felt disgusted like she was crying to steal the limelight. Like I don’t know, obviously, and I should have given her the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t like her so much that I wasn’t even sympathetic like Kuheli, I just felt nothing and a part of me believes she’s putting it on. Isn’t it shit that you’re such a bad person people don’t even believe you’re genuine when you show a huge genuine emotion like crying? Or am I the shit one?

Anyway, I had Med Revue at 7:30 and Leonard dropped Will, Kuheli and I at uni because he had tutoring up that way anyway, so I persuaded them to kill time with me by coming to dinner. It was fucking freezing outside so we sat in Kuheli’s room for half an hour while I lead the most roundabout conversation about where we should go for dinner (which was partly Kuheli’s fault because she didn’t suggest anything, just shot down my suggestions, and then Will wasn’t like concrete on whether or not he wanted Chinese because he was too shy to protest and I was being contradictory just to waste time which is dumb). Then we went down to Anzac Parade and stopped at Chatime for hot bubble tea, which was a novelty to me. The first time ever that Kuheli has not had bubble tea and I have! It was just too cold, and she didn’t want to try a hot one (although Will had cold coconut tea which is interesting). I ordered a hot premium milk tea and the bubbles weren’t that weird warm, but I got 30% sugar and a boring flavour, so it was kind of anticlimactic – just warm tea with the pearls. It was too much milky liquid too, so in the end I sucked up all the bubbles and threw the rest away.

Then we headed to Dong Dong Noodles, because apparently, we got a MedSoc discount there (we forgot to try). Will was super happy with the choice because apparently all the food offered was quite legit and traditional and they even gave us free clear soup at the start which is a thing for high-class Chinese establishments even though obviously Dong Dong wasn’t high class. I had a roast duck laksa and the taste and portion size was lit. Kuheli had black pepper honey chicken and Will had egg gravy and rice, like the stuff you put on your hor fun but rice instead which was also good. Dinner was nice to hang out and then after we went to the Asian Supermarket and I was roped into buying more things out of curiosity as usual – I bought something called Knorr like a tom yum flavoured stock cube and stocked up on 2 min noodles and bought some Hello Panda biscuits for nostalgia’s sake.

It was sadly too cold for frozen yoghurt, so we said goodbye to Will and I headed back up to Kuheli’s to pick up my stuff and then head to Med Revue. The line outside the Science Theatre was fucked. It was incredibly long and Yuri and her friends hadn’t reached yet because they’d gone for dinner, so I waited in line by myself. Hei Wai saw me and came up to say hello, which was such a lovely gesture from him. We had a chat about our med lives and I gushed a bit about St. George and he told me he was still at POW and then he went back to talk to his friends. I was really touched he came up to say hi.

I met Yuri, Ash, Rochelle and a couple of their friends from Fig – a guy called Jeff and a couple of other boys just in the theatre and I gave them all a hug and they were actually so friendly. Ash and I had a chat about GHSC and what I missed on Thursday night whilst I was with Clauds (a talk on climate change apparently, interesting but one to miss) and then I met Rochelle properly, like we had our first proper conversation together and she’s super nice and has the personality of an ex-pres at Fig I felt. Med Revue itself had some hits and misses. Some of the jokes were hilarious but some just went over my head. The dancing was pretty good – not as good as Penrhos but still high quality. I think my expectations were just too high from Med Revue in first year (the last time I went) but Yuri explained that was like a “best of 5 years” Med Revue which was why it was so good. There was brief interest in a scandal Kuheli tagged us in – Tharunka, one of the student newspapers had a guy go in on an earlier night and he felt victimised by some of the black jokes in the revue and so he wrote this article and complained to Med Revue, so they removed the jokes and probably tamed down the show a bit which is a bit of a shame. Since, MedSoc posted on Facebook saying they were not really associated with Med Revue, were disappointed in the jokes and the revue itself is mostly not med students and has other faculties. Whilst I’m sure other faculty students do perform as well, I’m personally certain that it’s mainly med students, so good try, MedSoc. Anyway, I there was mixed reactions to the controversy. When I read the article, Ash and Rochelle and I agreed that the jokes published were racist and should have been removed and Rochelle said that every year when she goes she thinks she won’t go to the next one because of the levels of racism, but always ends up going anyway lmao. Then as I shivered at the bus stop I texted Fenton about it and his reaction was people basically need thicker skins and we agreed that a large part of Med Revue has always been racist jokes and honestly there are just as racist jokes about white people and Asians than black people, it’s just we’re expected to have thicker skin because we’re more of a majority population, so the whole victimization crap in the article is a bit overkill because there’s no context about other races. I’m a bit in the middle with both arguments but it did add some spice to the night.

When I got home it was l1:40 and I was exhausted and had to sleep because I had Skin Conference the next day and REXTAB. Lola barked at me and I really wanted to go see her because I think I’ve grown attached to her and wasn’t going to get the opportunity to see her much but obviously I couldn’t go into Vron’s room and wake her at that time, so I just headed to bed.

That’s my Friday, update on my Saturday and REXTAB coming up soon (just need a break from all this frantic typing haha).

[amberlynnwashere]

tw

I keep looking at the clock and thinking, “Mom should be home in x amount of time, I should...” and then remembering that she’s never coming home and it’s kinda really fucking me up. 

I feel like this would be easier to deal with if I had a more conventional family? Like if I had a dad or some grandparents or nearby aunts/uncles. Then again I can’t imagine it’d be easy for anyone to come home and find their mom dead. 

I feel like I’ve been using my boyfriend as a therapist and I feel bad so I’ve been doing my best not to bring the topic up around/to him anymore, but it really sucks when I’m crying and he texts me, “How are you?” and I have to struggle between telling him the truth and lying to him because honestly what kind of question is that, I am not fine and won't’ be for a while stop asking me that

Last Wednesday was my first day back to work and they keep giving me that sad-eyed head-tilt, “Hey, how are ya?” and I’m their fucking manager so I have to smile really big and say, “I’m fantastic, how have you been??” Because I built myself up to be the happy up-beat, “We can do this!” manager and I don’t want to turn into the, “fuck off don’t talk to me unless you need help”manager even though that’s how I feel. 

I have a staff member who is this old man and he came up to me yesterday and said in his New York accent, “Hey Amber! Haven’t seen ya in a while! I missed ya!” And I wanted to cry so fucking hard because, seriously, fuck you Steve. I love him so much but he’s pre-diabetic and keeps drinking big ol’ cups of cherry coke and I keep telling him to drink water or at least diet and he’ll just laugh me off and I don’t want to come into work one day and find out he died too. 

I wanted to take my mom to a movie on New Year's Eve but I mentioned it too late in the night and she was already ready for bed and I wish I had mentioned it sometime in the morning so she could have said yes and we could have gone and had one last outing together. 

I had been wanting to ask her about the time she took me to Universal Studios for my 9th birthday and when we were leaving I asked if we could take some pictures in the photo-booth and, surprisingly, she said sure! I was so happy! Until we got back to the car and realized she left her phone in the photo booth, so we ran back and it wasn’t there anymore and we couldn’t find it at lost and found either... When we got back to the car I cried and told her I was sorry about her phone and it was my fault because I wanted to take the pictures, and she replied with something along the lines of, “Yeah it was your fault.” And I wanted to know if she really thought it was my fault, all these years later, or if she just said it in the heat of the moment, or if maybe I remembered it wrong. I remember  a lot of things wrong. I really hope I remembered this wrong. 

Please hug your mom and tell her you love her and ask her all the questions you want to ask now because you never think it’s going to happen to you until it does. Even when you think they’re healthy and fine, something could happen.