#not that theyve had any of the regular ones that i really like but

[reikunrei]

*sighs longingly* oh how i wish you call could have been mine...

[year2000electronics]

What is Reverse Ford's relationship like with Stan and the Twins post weirdmageddon?

ford's in a bit of an interesting position post-weirdmageddon.

see, because ford never gets a metal plate for himself, there's not really any sort of twin switcheroo that can happen, so instead, the one who gets their memories all zapped away is ford. and he went in there genuinely believing he wouldnt come back- much like stan- but for HIM, that's because he had become the same sort of monster that deserved to burn like will was. that he had abandoned everything in the selfish pursuit of power. so when he started remembering things again and realizing it was because his family was actively putting in the work to get him back (with NO strings attached this time), he was. STUNNED to say the least.

he kinda doesn't know what to do with himself. the kids are working on undoing what short damage theyve done in the time theyve just been kids growing up, stan's even turning a new leaf, but him? he was the one who made the apocalypse happen and helped urge on mabel to get the rift. he tried getting mason to join him, he kept will locked in a deal for years, he threatened stan into getting his house back, he lost fiddleford's friendship... all that.

he's pretty quiet for the first few weeks because, like, mason and mabel, they can still learn to be regular kids instead of performers. stan was always a failiure in their parents' eyes, so he never put TOO much stock into the whole 'put on a show' thing. but ford has been constantly charming people into getting what he wants, and hasnt stopped since the moment his mom handed him the phone and went "here. read the lady's fortune. make sure to include how happy and prosperous she'll be if she buys our tarot deck". it's hard to turn that off. so for a while he just chooses not to try at all.

i imagine it isn't until he reconnects with fiddleford that he actually ends up trying to get closer to stan and the kids, because fidds is like "youve been handed the best thing you could ever have on a platter: a new beginning. dont go wastin it now!"

stan and ford are slowly but steadily learning how to actually be brothers again and express how much they matter to each other (cos they spent a LONG time trying to usurp and use the other), ford is trying to explore mabel's various hobbies and they talk fashion ALLL day, but i think the one ford is really concerned for is mason. he sees a lot of himself in that kid and wants to make sure he knows that ford regrets all of the stuff he did and not to be like him. yknow since mason was REALLY into all that magic stuff

at the end of the day, hey, it could always be worse! he could be in some sort of therapy-prism! but that's ridiculous right.

[ghxstyfae]

Little Doe ♡ John B headcanons

John b is just so daddy. He needs to take care of something, and he loves taking care of his little doe.

Warning: nsfw, not x reader, bit of dacryphilia,

He calls her doe, little doe, and doe-girl most of the time

Shes actually pretty tall, 5'7, very skinny and frail though.

They met somewhere in the middle of the woods. She was foraging for berries (living her aesthetic nara smith life) to make a berry pie.

Whem she heard him rustling around, watching her, her head snapped up with wide eyes, just like a deer and thats where the nickname stuck.

When they approached her she was wary of them, but outstretched her basket to offer strawberries.

She has longg brown hair, and brown eyes that John B absolutely LOVES

Hes always staring at her wide eyes, even helps her put on mascara sometimes when shes tired before they go out

Like most my girls, shes a big fan of Sanrio, her favourite being pompompuri

Doe isnt too hard to please, one of her biggest love languages is penguin pebbling. She adores when john b brings her little things that remind him of her.

That being said she did it first, making him little knitted projects, crocheted keychains, regular rocks, crystals, or whatever she thinks he might like.

Its just how she shows her affection.

Doe girl doesnt like wesring shirts. Or bras. Half the time shes walking around home or the chateau in just her loose pants, overalls, etc. Titties to thr wind

She also likes wearing outfits like this, this, and this

Daddy jombee gets a little upset at that (^^), especially at first when he and jj walks in to her wearing her patchwork overalls and knitting in the couch.

"Doe weve talked about this before" "if boys can have their tits out so can i daddy" that shut him up quickly enough, considering neither him nor jj were wearing shirts.

Shes lowkey a crybaby, very fragile emotionally and that makes her really anxious

Gets overstimulated from people VERY easily, she lives near a forest that shes constantly exploring whwn she wants a break

Every thursday and sunday they go on a date night, but sometimes she asks to cancel whatever plans they had and either stay in or have a picnic outside.

It didnt take long for the tradition to have 1 solo date night a week, and 1 date where they're around other people

Shes so extremely kinky, but would never share that verbally

Loves to be tied up, esp with the colourful rope Jombee uses.

Shes very quiet when JJ, Pope, Kiara, etc. Are around, even though theyve known eachother for a very long time

Its not that she doesn't like them, shes just a silent soul

As i mentioned, shes a crier, and John B loves it. He loves watching her wide eyes fill up with tears as she takes him, gripping onto his back

Her nails are naturally a decent length and she shapes them sorta almond ish, but the scratch marks on daddys back are deep and sharp

She wakes up very early, almost 5 am every day, and she goes to bed at around 10:30.

First thing she does when she wakes up is makes a fruity smoothie (on weekends she'll make pancakes or waffles), take care of her plants, and finish up any laundry or dishes.

She is absolutely a morning bird, and looses her energy as the day goes on.

This results in naps from 2 pm to 3:40 (shes a creature of habit)

Shes lowkey very book smart buut not street smart at all. Kinda like Pope,

but worse, very oblivious. This is one of the reasons her and JB work so well together. He sees her as someone he gets to take care of

Holds his pinky instead of his whole hand

Doe always says the right thing. Shes a super comforting and empathetic person and is always the person to go too when you need advice

Hates scary things, she really is like a deer in headlights at any sign of horror or danger.

[w1f1n1ghtm4r3]

ippiki au: minor characters edition

first things first: here look at everyone. dont mind the inconsistency of style, i took a 4 month break in the middle of these okay

and now! lore and stuff will be under the cut to not clog up everything

ill include everyones images a second time before their specific lore just to help keep track of things i hope you dont mind that. also implied vbs event spoilers (specifically for light up the fire) when you get to radder, if thats a concern at all

mizuki- deer. a runaway from an arena with lower security, met ena early into their escaped days and theyve stuck together since. their antler broke while in the arena, and they havent shed yet to grow back evenly. whether the white spots are because of their deer species or the fact that theyre still a teenager or just because of weird hybrid things is up to viewer interpretation (aka i never really settled on a specific type of deer for them). unfortunately the antlers make them pretty visibly trans and they dont really like having them, but at least most other hybrids dont seem to care too much.

ena- mountain lion. grew up in the same lab as akito, and to neither of their knowledge, they are actually related (ena was still somewhat of an older sister figure to him, along with some of the others from his group. they havent seen each other in a few years since ena got taken to an arena. to each other they might as well be dead). not the biggest fan of their current situation, but shes trying to make the best of it.

they live together currently in the undercity, living somewhat steadily off of odd jobs. its not the greatest life, and maybe one day theyd like to leave, but for two teenage girls, its the best theyre managing for now, and it certainly could be a lot worse. they both couldve never escaped their arenas and died there.

haruka- domestic shorthair cat (but often mistaken for being a russian blue... shes just a regular gray cat with blue eyes). an ex-feral (captured as a child) turned show pet with a reputation for her cool charm. while shes taken to this life with relative ease, she misses her home from far outside the city and her childhood best friend who got captured at the same time and separated from her (she cant help but fear that an is probably dead, sent to an arena for her rowdier personality. shed like to hope otherwise, but the odds are against her)... also yes, her outfit mainly looking like her asrun outfit is intentional.

minori- goat. i forgot her sideways pupils here but she has those, just like kohane and luka. a childhood friend of kohanes, raised in the same lab, but was bought as a show pet instead. no one really knows why, besides her enthusiastic personality having its strengths in the idol-like niche of show pets. admires haruka from a distance, but theyve never had a chance to properly meet. maybe one day...

nene- longhaired fold cat x canary. part of a private project attempting to create non mammalian hybrids by balancing them out with known stable hybrids, and shes one of the first semi successful ones. she might have survived to a reasonable age so far, but not without complications. shes prone to occasionally unstable health and has some speech issues, mostly caused by the bird parts of her not mixing well with everything else. the feathers are cute, but at what cost? although being kept in a very restrictive environment isnt doing her any favors either...

technically shes not even a main part of the au! shes got her own side storyline with wxs lol

kotaro- racoon. literally just some guy. from the same town as haruan, but hes just been there the whole time. probably the only character here who hasnt experienced the horrors to some extent. not actually relevant to the au besides like oh he exists he might briefly show up, but i wanted to draw him because i had design ideas

souma- domestic dog, some kind of mutt. suffered a combination of severe injuries throughout his time in an arena and during their escape, leaving him with a nasty mess of scars across his body as well as a mostly paralyzed arm and a noticeable limp. hes trying to stay positive despite that, after all theyre free! but its tough sometimes, he cant help but feel bad that hes slowing down their pace in traveling.

arata- caracal. from the same arena as souma, but escaped much more unscathed, his past injuries are nowhere near as severe. heard stories about the outside world somewhere and is now determined to find somewhere worth living out in the wasteland with souma. hes not exactly friendly to people they cross paths with, but its mostly out of caution to protect both of them.

fun fact i had to redesign soumarata partially because i just wasnt satisfied with their designs (i had made some very early on into the au) and partially because me and my friends realized souma is the taller one (hes like. slightly taller than touya? while arata is only taller than akito) and i had it the other way around before.

nagi- maned wolf. a popular face around town, and one of their most successful participants in various resource gathering missions (it isnt uncommon for hybrid towns to have members who will steal things for their towns from supply trains that go out to human towns in the wasteland and nagi was often a fan of going on those). she liked to get out and explore the wasteland! sometimes shed let an (and less often, haruka as well) tag along with her so they could see more of the world while still supervised, but that led to her own downfall. a mission went wrong, the kids got caught, and she got killed trying to save them.

taiga- tiger (how could i not go for the pun, and also canon did it first anyway). while once a common sight around town, after nagis death hes become a rare visitor, traveling more often than not, only stopping home once in a while. maybe he doesnt want to linger around the feelings left behind now that shes gone. scary and serious, but not out of bad intentions.

ken- fox (just like an). runs a somewhat popular cafe in town, comfortably settled down. he regrets not being there to protect his daughter, but theres nothing to do about it anymore. maybe one day shell come back, but for now, hes got a job to do and thats the most important thing for him to focus on.

nagi and taiga are fully aware that theyre siblings, unlike akito and ena. it was more common for their generation to be aware of this, rather than having knowledge about their origins withheld. they both were in an arena that focused on team fights, and when taigas original teammate was killed, nagi ended up with him, prompting him to help them both escape because he didnt want to let his sister get hurt more than necessary (even though shes capable of taking care of herself in a fight). they met ken (another arena escapee) during their way out of the city, and began traveling as a group of three until they found the town they all called home. their presence was an important part of making that town thrive into the place it is now, even if things for the trio have since fallen apart quite a bit. nagi is gone, taiga rarely sticks around, ken is the only one who stayed now.

meiko- bear. runs a convenience store at night in the undercity near one of the arenas (the one akikoha are in), well known around the area and uses her advantageous shop location to help new escapees get a little more set into their newly freed lives. a kind if intimidating woman, and very reliable at her jobs.

miku- striped hyena. just an average young escapee living in the undercity, although she doesnt try to blend in very well. ever since she got her hands on some hair dye shes been stubbornly sticking to the faded and grown out color, she thinks shes cool with it. friends with a couple humans who seem completely unbothered by her animal traits

luka- ibex. an escapee from the outer city workshops who decided to move to the undercity... and never really settles down anywhere. she likes to wander from place to place, experiencing the great expanse of the city from its depths. shes got her favorite places to come back to, but more than anything, shes always on the move to see something new.

kaito and the kagamines are humans (the kagamines are mikus human friends!) which is why theyre not here 👍

and thats everyone! apologies this is a monster of a post, but i hope youve enjoyed reading. and hopefully its semi coherent lol

[intertexts]

EPISODE 21 TRIVIA:

- bizly, introing the episode: "welcome to just rolled with it where we answer our generations greatest question: will dakota cole break the law?"

- grizzly: "no, you know what? i think the final villain of prime defenders is william fucking wisp! i think youre playing out a villain backstory and youre going to snap and go batshit crazy" < hehehehehehehehe

- charlie: "i dont think its a secret that william is FOR SURE the most likely to become a villain out of the three of us. i dont see it as a permanent final thing but i definitely think it could happen at some point. i think he would have like a red x teen titans arc" WAHOO

- charlie CURRENTLY has no plans to do this he and bizly have never even discussed it. however he thinks its a possibility. "im playing this kid who is VERY smart and has a lot of ideas, but keeps getting shut down by basically everyone and i think hes starting to get a little desperate"

- they start talking about how when charlie plays william he gets "the Chip Brain" which is a reference to how in riptide bizly makes the most WILD NONSENSE decisions and then afterwards goes "i dont know why i did that i was just so in character and i felt like thats what he would do in the moment. out of character i agree that was fucking stupid why did i do that" << so. charlie gets this playing william too LMAO

- HEY UH. FUCKED UP SENTENCE INCOMING !!! "william has literally seen what happens after you die. thats knowledge that almost NOBODY else in this world has. and i think it makes him values life... less. hes seen that theres more after, hes seen that people kind of stick around, i think life to him is a lot more fragile and messy and less black-and-white, killing or not killing. it doesnt hold the same weight. becoming sort of apathetic and desensitized to the concept of death" << THIS IS AWESOMEEEEE FOR ME

- grizzly says hes glad william and vyncent didnt try to break the doctor out of prison like they thought they would because he genuinely wouldnt know how to play that as dakota

- charlie: "william has gotten so protective of dakota that if in his mind there was ANY chance that his friend would die all because of this guy being in jail over false charges, if that was the direction the conversation was going, william actually right then and there wouldve gotten him out. he couldnt have accepted that a situation like that would lead to losing his friend"

- grizzly: "iiiiii would like to sayyyy. bizly. will i still kick absolute ass if i dont have strength and speed, or will I just be some kind of loser" << bizly says maybe but he wpuld have to play dakota as more of a Regular Guy and just have him train at martial arts really hard

- DISCUSSING A TRAINING ARC AGAIN !!!!! which they think would be fun but they dont want to do another timeskip. (<<me who has future knowledge and knows how they figure this out: :3c)

- one of the biggest reasons keeping grizzly from agreeing to break the doctor out now is because hes really afraid he'll be super bitter against the family and augment himself to have some sort of powers and become a supervillain. and he thinks something like that happening would absolutely CRUSH dakota to a point where he wouldnt know how he would come back from that

- bizly had a real time epiphany, everyone was quiet for a minute and he just went "oh my god. i know exactly how this is gonna work. pick anything you want, i got this. i have a way to make everything work"

- grizzly has NO idea which option hes gonna choose, but he thinks hes leaning toward dakota getting a normal heart and just training really hard at martial arts. charlie and condi are saying that theyre really interested to see dakota before he goes and trains because theyve never seen him *weak* before

- grizzly: "if you ever call dakota stupid in character again ill cry"

charlie: "i mean i only did that because he was putting himself in danger! i think william heard him say shit like 'its cool. its okay ive got two years' and i think he just got genuinely really upset at that. william would rather keep his friend alive than spare his feelings"

- "if william ever did become a supervillain he would *never* hurt dakota" (<< WAUGH)

- charlie was gonna ask the doctor about williams whole decaying thing but decided not to because it didnt feel right in the moment. bizly goes "i mean you already know who you need to talk to about that" to which charlie goes NOOOOOOOOOO bc he is implying. mal

- charlie: "william doesnt wanna talk to mal he pisses him off"

grizzly: "why, because its like looking in a mirror?"

condi and bizly at the same time: "ooooooohhhhhhh"

- grizzly: "god this decision is so fucking hard i feel like i need an adult- OH MY GOD can we go see tide. can i not make my decision and instead we just go see tide"

- condi: "vyncent doesnt really know how to feel about this choice. he wants dakota to be powerful because he knows those powers are really important to him but he also doesnt want his friend to fucking die!"

- GRIZZLY IS TALKING ABOUT THE DEMON HE ATE AGAIN AND BIZLY GOT SO FRUSTRATED THAT HE ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED WILLIAM STUFF:::: "i dont think the demon works how you think it works, its not PHYSICALLY in your stomach it doesnt have a physical form you CANNOT digest it !!!! in this whole campaign, no spirit has been able to wander out and influence the physical world, thats why william is so special as a planeswalker! he is a spirit that has a physical form, he can affect the real world and also be in the spirit world without a guide!"

- theyre discussing the morality of the blake family and grizzly genuinely doesnt know if dakota could process something like this where its sooooo deeply in the grey area, dakota is very black and white he doesnt think he can even understand that right now

SUCH GOOOOD FUCKING TRIVIA THIS EP DUDE!!!!!!! thank u for the foooood. fuck yes a little bowl of seeds for me.

WIWI VILLAIN ARC. PLEASE. PLEASE. YEAH. honestly at this point i know it's going to happen, i just don't know when n how. not even from ur ominous giggling it just feels SO clear to me that he is a guy who can be so desperate and do anything for the people he loves and i... give him One situation where he doesn't have his very fragile support system of two other extremely fucked up teens and their absent dad who he just doesn't wanna disappoint!!! give him one fucking situation where he's separated from them and scared and there's some threat and you fucking KNOW he's going to be Up To Some Shit. i'd bet real money on both the villain or at least morally grey conflict arc AND that general setup being the catalyst.

god. literally all of this stuff is SOOO good i'm fucking LOCKED ON to the other wiwi planeswalker shit-- that's basically what i was thinking? when the planeswalker thing had come up before? but. tasty... before i started 22 my assumption here was then that the decay situation was like. a subconscious... choiiiice? i guess? like. you know. he perceived himself as dead and his body began to reflect that & then he looked more dead so he got more dead etc etc vicious cycle. but. now i'm not sure??????? ALSO. that thing ab his thoughts on death are so fucking tasty. so so good holy shit. makes sense!! makes sense!! there's less gravity to death when it's just a place you can go, there's less gravity to killing when it's not permanent-ending, just shifting someone from one place to another. like, y'know, when u were a kid, and there was someplace u never went very often & so u thought it was Special and Important & then u grew up and figured out it wasn't actually Special and Important and an Occasion to go there, your mom just hated the parking situation or it was a bit too far for a car ride w/ little kids. that's what death is like to william wisp!! head in hands. not even gonna touch on mal rn!!!

anyway. ghostkicksisms................

[windupaidoneus]

first you're not horrible and in fact I care about you deeply and dearly, second!! Tell me about that furry modern AU i've seen you post a bit about I think? the one where they work office jobs. If you have anything you wanna say about that :] or um. Tell me hilde and emet's favourite date activities !

green. sneef. i hold ur kind words so close to my heart. always. even when i feel bad!! which is saying!! u know how it is with brain bad...

& of course i can tell u about my Epic Furry Modern AU where they work office jobs!!!!! it's one i haven't actually pondered TOO much yet but the beautiful thing abt thinking is that it's something u can do & then u have thoughts. isnt it beautiful

it would be separate from my Regular Modern AU which has its own lore. in this one they are really. coworkers. to start with. this one actually started off bc i was designing a fursona for hilde & the image came to me of him.. well hold on. this

^ this is him looking up over his shoulders while Handsome Kind of standoffish Smells good fuckkkk he smells GOOD coworker (though the way i see it it's more similar to like, when two companies work together? & they're from diff. companies basically. yeah) reaches over his head to grab something from the shelf he was sorting. & well emet is an Owl so he has Big Feathery Arms kind of like a cape... so in that scenario hilde is kind offf getting enveloped in that. not really bc emet isnt touching him but. yeah. if this hapepend to me id just die homosexual style i can promise you this

i think magic exists in this universe however we still need desk workers yk. magic doesnt, err, magically erase bureaucracy. Sad! theyre both full of magical potential but yknow when ppl either have a lot of skill but cant get hired for anything relevant to them so they settle for some nothing job OR the thing theyre really good at doesnt pay well so they go for smth that doesnt align w their preferences for the sake of living comfortably financially even if it means work is hell on their mind? them. hilde is the one who cant get hired for smth he likes & emet is the one going for a job that pays good rather than a job that suits what he likes doing. though of course he does get really really into the managing & organising aspect of Office Worker due to le autism. no way he isnt a manager of some sort he is NOT at the bottom of the ladder in any universe. i wouldnt say hilde is at the bottom of the ladder either bc he DOES have good skills & is generally a very applied worker (also idk im really not gunning for them having an unbalanced dynamic as coworkers, same company or not) but he definitely brushes his job off as not that important if asked what he does

emet probably has a sort of Reputation that makes him sound unapproachable but in the few interactions theyve had hes been a very reliable person to work with so hilde isnt particularly deterred from maybe trying to make friends for that reason. hes just.. socially awkward & anxious to start with. the moment their other coworkers (who hilde is actually like, decently friends with, likely one of the scions who mightve even been his friend before he started working there too. hell, could be a zero! or two even) catch that hes trying to befriend the guy with the Reputation theyyy try to orchestrate ways for them to work alongside each other more lmao. or like ohhh shucks i left xyz in the office over there can you go get it for me since youre nearby </3 which is entertaining for everyone in the know to watch.

they do get to work more as time goes on bc i feel like hilde would be doing like... communications stuff. great for the social anxiety lmao. & so relaying info & working out how the companies can better work w each other would be at least partly on him. he'd be involved in that i thinks. & ofc that would also involve the ppl in higher positions. fuck iahve so amny more ideas but im actually falling asleep in my seat remind me to rb with more tomorrow + the date activities ahhh

[staarry-skies]

— usagis jealousy during bmc, and if it really is just that? a meta

(read more bc i anticipate this getting very long)

before we talk about bmc lets set the stage a bit: usagi has just defeated the dark kingdom no more than a week ago (its unclear how much time passes btwn the two arcs but i can’t imagine its longer than a week, or even a couple days, as we see usamamo exchange their keepsakes at the end of act 14, something they promised they’d do the next time they saw each other during act 8, which means that this must be the first time theyve seen each other since defeating the dark kingdom, which again, i cant imagine took longer than a couple days) which means she has just experienced: watching her boyfriend die in front of her, being overloaded with a host of tragic memories from her past life (one of them including watching her boyfriend die and killing herself), her boyfriend getting brainwashed, having to kill her boyfriend because there was no getting through to him, killing herself due to the aforementioned trauma, and finally finding out her friends died— sacrificing themselves for her to bring her back. so thats all Crazy we can agree that is crazy for a 14 year old girl to go through? right? okay? good.

now that we’ve agreed on that can you imagine a little girl falling out of a large portal in the sky then threatening you with a GUN (fake sure but she didnt know that originally) and demanding you hand over the overpowered magical artifact you JUST endured all that trauma trying to protect? and then that same girl brainwashes your family? obviously usagi isnt going to trust chibiusa right away. i mean look at what she’s working with, and then when she tries to bring up these concerns no one believes her. i mean sure WE as the audience know chibiusa isnt a threat, and the others think she isnt because they cant see a little girl as particularly threatening but when you look at things from usagis perspective, then OBVIOUSLY she’d be suspicious— i mean she repeatedly refuses to answer any sort of questions (obviously this is not chibiusas fault, shes a scared child and the questioning terrifies her further, but again, think about this from usagis perspective). and again id like to reiterate that all of this is directly after the dark kingdom, usagi hasn’t had any time to heal from those fresh fresh emotional scars Of Course she’s a bit irrational.

now, to the topic at hand, was usagis jealousy really just that? regular jealousy at seeing mamoru spending time with someone who isnt her (even if the person in question was a small child that logically posed no threat to her relationship)?

obviously i dont think so, but let me prove to you its not just simple irrational jealousy but also usagis ptsd and specifically her abandonment issues that are what cause her to react in the way she does.

again, id like to remind the jury of the shit usagi has just gone through and how that all has caused usagi to develop some very serious abandonment issues. we see usagis worst fear(s) represented in nightmare sequences a handful of times throughout the series. exactly twice actually, once in infinity and once in dream and each have the shared theme of her loved ones leaving her in some way. in infinity they turn against her and berate her before ultimately dying, and in dream they’re simply dead. again both times it is very clear that the root of what she fears is abandonment.

these abandonment issues however, first begin to present themselves in arc 2. we even get a nightmare sequence in arc 2 similar to those of arcs 3&4. most interpret this as usagi just being jealous usagi. however really look at it, its not that she’s just afraid of mamoru being taken away by chibiusa, she’s afraid of them both abandoning her. look at what she says “wait! where are you going? dont leave me behind!” (or “wait! where are you going? dont leave me here!” in the eternal edition, i prefer the crystal translation simply because it makes it more explicit her issue is them leaving her alone) if it truly truly was an issue of jealousy why would she be afraid of them both leaving her behind? why say something like that? wouldnt it make more sense to say something like…. i dunno “chibiusa? dont take him from me!” instead?

once again, everything she goes through in arc 1 is a big contributor in this, however recall arc 2 begins with the senshi being picked off one-by-one (all except minako), and usagi can do nothing but watch and it eats her up inside. she quite literally begins to lose everyone dear to her all over again even while the last time is still so fresh in her mind.

and during most of this what does chibiusa do? she stays secretive, doesnt give usagi any information even when usagi tells her she cant trust her if she doesnt. (again i wanna reiterate that this is no fault of chibiusas however its not usagis fault either) so of course usagi begins to register chibiusa as a threat, and again with the information she has + her inarguable connection to the black moon clan this isnt a logical leap in the slightest.

thus when mamoru begins to spend more time with chibiusa instead of her it causes two things to happen. a) usagi is left without the emotional support she desperately needs in all of this (through no fault of mamoru, he completely misreads what usagi needs in this particular situation, he thinks that by helping with chibiusa it’ll ease her stress to have one less thing off her plate, however of course we know this does the opposite) and b) she begins to register chibiusa as a genuine threat to mamorus safety. usagis terrified of losing him all over again when she just got him back. look at this scene, i mean really truly look at it. look at what usagis saying, this doesnt sound like the ramblings of a jealous girlfriend it sounds like someone who’s terrified of losing their most important person all over again. “stay here with me. never go away. ill do everything i can to protect you…” (or “…i wanna be with you. dont go away. ill protect you with everything i have” in crystal, here i prefer the eternal edition again bc i think it more explicitly defines usagis problem) these lines just don’t make sense under the simple jealousy interpretation, what does protecting him have anything to do with envy at the time hes spending with chibiusa and not with her? nothing. shes not upset at that, she puts emphasis on protecting him because thats the true root of the problem, shes afraid of losing him again to yet another supernatural threat after the crystal.

and to close out id like to show everyone the viz dub version of this scene because i think it sums up my points incredibly well, as well as making it abundantly clear what the root of usagis problems Really are, specifically through the inclusion of the line “i wont lose you again”

[whumpshaped]

hi i saw ur post about asking about your blorbos and im up all night so im here to discuss :) i dont know much about your guys so do u wanna give me a little breakdown?

YES. so. huh. where do i even start.

helle is a three hundred and something years old vampire who had a pretty rough go at it when they were still a servant at lady marie's den. after they killed her, the other sired vamps (the ones lady marie sired alongside them) ran away and left them with a huge mansion. they were finally free. despite that, they continued to hunt in the exact way theyd been taught, using charm and enthrallment and venom and everything they could. it became boring. monotone. too much like old times. so helle decided not to use any of their magic when they went hunting again, spotting a fun looking, delicious smelling human walking home alone at night. theyve been messing w his head ever since that meeting, turning him more and more obedient :) slowly :) subtly :) ok maybe they couldnt help using a Bit of magic.... its just so fun can u blame them

beckett is a regular guy, 25 years old, works an office job, just wanted to get home, man... it didnt work out very well for him that night. he got grabbed in an alley and bitten, but thankfully the vampire let him go. what followed were two weeks of utter horror, psychological torment, stalking- until he eventually begged helle to just stop and take him for real. helle didnt- not really... beck still lives right at home. he just had to go downstairs and wait for helle every night for feeding. until helle tricked their way into getting invited inside. ever since then theyve been hanging out more and more in his fucken house, driving him up the wall. it is very scary. and painful. but also..... while helle said they wont be using magic, beck feels more and more drawn to them. more and more docile. obedient. is he really just being trained like a dog??? or is helle lying..? theres really no way for him to know and its messing with his head a lot

[phoenixfurred]

hi, i genuinely hate people who diss shippers. first off, this is going to be basically incomprehensible so be prepared.

so i ship sunflower (OMORI). pretty popular ship, between sunny and basil. i'm sure we can at least acknowledge that tropes in which childhood friends become romantic. (YES I KNOW THERE'S MORE BUT THIS ISN'T AN OMORI POST AND I DON'T WANT TO GO ON FOR ANOTHER 2 HOURS). the point is it's a pretty popular and reasonable ship, avoiding spoilers as best as possible they go through some shit together so of course they're close. i don't even know if i ship them romantically or just like very close pals. not close pals (tm) but close pals (regular).

alright, thats just a little context.

i come across a lovely post (/s) on pinterest even, shocker the safe haven is here to make me angry, that says something along the lines of "the omori fandom would be better without sunflower shippers" with the caption "sorry (not really)"

so i click on the post to see dozens of people agreeing, and i think one said that it didn't match the vibe of the fandom?? one person said they shipped sunflower and had about 83 replies to their comment which i didn't look through because i really am trying to be an optimist and its so h a r d. aanyway.

first of all, i'm sure you tumblr users (yes you) are at least aware of the jelsa (jack frost x elsa) phenomena (?) that was happening at some point even if you didnt participate yourself. obviously those people posting this type stuff either a. weren't around then (more likely) or b. got sent to ship conversion therapy (funnier?). because like how can one be so against such a normal ship. obviously theyve had their ups and down but that brings me to point 2.

so many people think that just because a ship could never work out, it means you can never ship it (cancel culture my enemy). THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT'S A NEED. a ship that has no angst between characters (controversial), is a dull one. what it's saying is "these characters have never had any obstacles to work around or to strengthen their relationship". in my humble opinion that makes it uninteresting. it's nice to see a relationship going well of course but its also nicER to see characters put in emotional effort.

part of the reason why fandom exists is so that you can make content that's not canon and that INCLUDES ships that'd be toxic in the actual media. genuinely if you think fanon has to follow canon silence your trap. if anything shipper who do this are more likely to mischaracterize characters for their own ship to work which goes against this mindset.

(side note please dont do that thing where you dumb down a character to one trait it's so genuinely irritating i want to ARGH)

people this immersed in what ships can work and which are acceptable and "fanon vs canon" (and then the "canon" is also not) and all that need to, not joking, please go outside and interact with more literature and real people.

it's the whole thing about modern media today being very self-indulgent, so many characters nowadays are written to basically be self-inserts, and when people see a main character acting problematically (ex. Lolita) they immediately assume it's the author projecting which it isn't. can confirm as an author, i would not eat people. that's what writing books is for, at least for me.

ALSO literally no shippers are "ruining" a fandom unless it's like. they genuinely want a kid and an adult to get into a romantic relationship. (things like that). in which case, seek help. DO NOT SEND ANYBODY DEATH THREATS EVER, EITHER. OH MY GOODNESS IT SHOULD BE SELF EXPLANATORY. but literally if anything its people who try to police (ick) what ships or characters are acceptable to like that ruin the fandom. if you do this i hope this reaches you so you can stop because oh my god.

it doesn't hurt you and it doesn't hurt the fandom nor should it concern you, because as we all know it's not a human handpicking things to show up on your fyp, so literally just scroll. just scroll! so easy, so simple!

anyway TL:DR don't harass people or hate on people because of a ship they like even if it's toxic.

[gilligans-islands]

i think its interesting that throughout all of ep 6 we can see stede and ed like sharing a connection but they are taking it slow. they are just having small moments together where they are together and enjoying each others company.

then of course Ned Low shows up and ruins everything by capturing and torturing the crew and he says many things to rile up both stede and ed who still havent like fully reformed their relationship and trust for eachother and it probably alights all their insecurities about their relationship plus they had to watch each other get tortured and almost die and after he chooses to kill ned stede is obviously shaken up both from killing a man and all of the shit he just went through and hes vulnerable and scared and lightly traumatized probably and ed goes to check on him and stede is just is a horrible headspace and he falls back on his old ways and acts on a whim by grabbing ed and pushing him up against the wall

and ed didnt have any better of a night than stede did, getting tortured and watching your lover get tortured fucking sucks and hes just as in a horrible headspace as stede and so he also acts on a whim and lets stede escalate and they kiss and then they have sex

and everything seems great between them the next morning but suddenly ed is throwing away his leathers—okay pretty sudden but maybe he was already planning to—and then ed is sharing how stede was kinda the one who saved his life when he almost died—okay kinda intense conversation over breakfast but maybe he was already planning on telling him and decided it was a good opportunity—and then later stede shares how he wrote ed letters expressing his love and threw them into the sea—and okay maybe they just felt like really sharing this morning—and then later at jackies ed is telling jackie about how it might not be a phase that he just wants to be a regular guy—and wow okay thats cool maybe hes just been thinking about it for a while—and then stede lights a man on fire who wants to kill him—and woah stede um kinda harsh you didnt even hear the man out—and then stede and ed meet up and stede got his ear pierced—thats cool unplanned but cool—and then ed tells stede that he took a job as a fisherman and is leaving—

and then suddenly you realize theyve fallen back into their old patterns of acting on whims again

suddenly they aren't taking things slow, suddenly they are sharing intimate things with each other with 0 apprehension

they are right back where they were in season 1 right down to ed wanting to get away from pirating like his life depends on it and stede wanting nothing more but to be a pirate and live out his fantasy

and this time they fight and ed outright says that things are going too fast and part of it is that he just wants to leave and he is scared but he feels like this because yeah

they are taking it too fast

they suddenly—on a whim—decided to deepen their relationship way faster than they should have entirely on accident just by—on a whim—deciding to have sex when they were both in a vulnerable state and needed comfort

i really dont think it was an accident that episode 4 decided to spell out for us that Ed and Stede are whim prone people. it wasnt just an explanation for why last season ended the way it did with them splitting up. it was an omen for what was eventually going to happen with them in these episodes. the inevitability that they were eventually going to succumb to their true natures if not given the proper space and time to work out the shit between them, if insecurities and expectations got piled onto them again.

[rigelmejo]

In unrelated language stuff. Japanese really is... a mountain. Its a language I try a lot of studying experiments with, for one because its going to be many more years of study so I'm having fun, but also 2 because it has so many hurdles i personally have difficulty with so I am always hopeful some experiment will help things I study click better.

Like. Conjugation was hard to me in french, and there were english cognates to lean on, it is a fairly regular language conjugation wise (japanese has more exceptions i tend to forget how to conjugate). Then in japanese, everything being a very different word order combined with the information dense conjugation makes me even more confused.

A few things worked quite well for me in japanese study. One was nukemarines LLJ memrise decks, which after 2 years of studying other things, i crammed in 6 months and went from 300 words known from Genki and maybe 100 hanzi from Heisig RTK (yes i really didnt learn much in 2 years) to 1000-2000 words recognized and basic grammar and able to read Yatsubo and play Kingdom Hearts 2 in japanese (granted i know the game very well in english). Ever since then, ive been able to read manga and look words up to learn, or follow roughly a lets play of a game i know. I can never focus on anki long, but i recognize its use, especially when i was using the LLJ deck which had hanzi, common words in sentenced, and grammar. Since then, i havent used as organized of a resource. So i squander a lot more time, trying to figure out what to study.

Then I did Clozemaster sincerely for a couple months once in japanese. I think i only got through like 1000 cards. But it FINALLY helped me understand stuff like される られる word endings. Tragically, i forgot what they mean. But forca solid 6 months after my rime with Clozemaster cramming, i finally understood a lot of the grammar that had been confusing me. I desperately need to refresh that knowledge (if anyone has any good quock grammar explanation notes theyve seen). I only remember teimasu is like "ing" doing verb ending in english.

And I did japaneseaudiolessons, and the old glossika cd lessons, on and off. And each time i use audio for a while, i do make good progress. I seem to learn very well from audio. In particular, hearing so much japanese FINALLY got me used to the word order. So i struggle much less to follow sentences. Whereas before the massive listening practice, i would often lose the object or subject by the time i heard the verb. So i could not figure sentences out before, unless they were written, since id forget so much while trying to keep track of which word was which function. Lots of listening to audio lessons really helps me get into this rythm of intuitively knowing the order of the words and remembering the grammar through the whole sentence. Thats partly why i keep trying to study with more audio: its rhe biggest leap in terms of being able to understand japanese more instantly, to comprehend AS i hear or AS i read later (after audio study). I just cannot find another way to get my brain to internalize the word order, except LOTS of listening. The audio lessons have helped my reading skills SO much, all of my japanese listening skills so much, because now when i see eords i know i can comprehend what theyre doing in the sentence without thinking about it. And if i hear unknown words i can tell immediately if theyre subject object adjective verb time or a helper word like very/suddenly. I do plan to switch to reading study next, once I feel my vocabulary is solidly more than 2000 words (ideally 3000-5000 but lol im not sure ill find audio lessons that truly teach that much).

So yeah. Im studying japanese and chinese, on and off, as usual. And its always funny and frustrating when it hits just how much more I understand chinese. I took a 6 month ish break from studying ANY language. So ive been listening to audio lessons to review things i knew before, in Chinese and Japanese right now.

In chinese, i listened to maybe 4 hours of audio lessons review, and 2 hours of SCI mystery audiobook (i did not follow too much but hearing so many words helped jog my memory). Its been a week since starting review. Now? Well first of all, if i look at a chinese webnovel the READING skill comes back within 1 chapter and comes back before i eben did any purposeful reviews this past week. My reading skills in all languages seem to break down/be forgotten/get rusty the least. Second: now that I've reviewed for a week, I can understand almost all words in The Untamed (and the eordw i dont know i have been quickly google translatkng just to realize ITS WORDS I KNEW I JUST FORGOT THEM. Like 鬼 i cant believe i forgot gui its one of the first words i learned! Its in a lot of stuff i read and watch lol! Or 放手 i really forgot fangshou existed, i swear my brain just held onto hanzi as images fine but when i just HEAR a word i dont recognize it until i review it again... hence why SO much listening stuff im doing right now). I listened to 默读 audio drama last night and for the first 20 minutes i followed everything. I would guess i know at least 90% of the words (if i havent forgotten some - as with 镇魂 i knew over 95% of the words 8n most chapters right before i took my 6 month study break, and i also could read modu extensively at that point and get the main idea... since i knew thw english translation to guess bits). To be fair? With the audio drama, i did have the aid of knowing the plot already. But ive known modus plot a LONG time, and in the past i struggled to follow the audiodrama anyway, because compared to the audiobook it had less details forcme to use as a crutch to figure out what scene i was hearing. So me listening to rhe audio Drama yesterday, and following so much? Great. Ive also been listening to the mdzs audiobook, which has been brain frying as i started a week ago before realizing i needed to review the sounds of words lol. But also brain frying because the opening monologue words confuse me In Text form, so in audio form it took me 4 listens to realize they were saying the jiang jin nie lan clans fought wei wuxian etc etc. I heard meng and just completely forgot it meant clan, so my brain kept doing things like "is Xmeng a word i know?" It took me 2 listens to realize the next part was Wei Wuxian in mo manor, and 4 listens to realize mojia was MO FAMILY because id been going "mojia sounds familiar, do i know that word?" The last few listens lol. I also forgot fuchou! How! Anyway. Its an accomplishment. I have never had as much success listening to a BRAND NEW audiobook in chinese of something i havent read before, and been able to understand this much. Its not a lot, im just grasping a lot of phrases and the main scene ideas. And i do have my knowledge of The Untamed plot to help me guess. But its going better than listening to audiobooks used to go. And i see a Huge improvement in dialogue. When people talk now (except the guy who tells exposition stories), i find those words are easiest to recognize and quickly remember again. I think part of it is just: dialogue tends to be more direct communication of ideas, whereas descriptive narration can get creatively phrased and meander and discuss details in phrases i havent heard as much as ive heard conversational phrases. Like when i listened to SCI audiobook last weekend, i could follow some of the dialogue portions great, like at crime scenes, arguing, with their boss, it was the descriptions in between where id get lost for a while.

Its just sort of frustrating and sad how much stusying japanese is like hitting a brick wall and learning tiny chip by tiny chip as it wears gradually, and also grateful my mind clicked with chinese because im so over the moon i did NOT have to struggle as much with chinese. For chinese i thankfully could pretty much do exactly what i did when learning to read french, and i improved on that old study plan, and as a result chinese improvement went by faster than when i initially studied french and floundered for a while. I was reading priest novels by the end of year 1 of study (with a click translator like Pleco). The study plan was simple, worked fine. The confusing parts of grammar clicked with enough reading (after maybe 100 chapters of things), and now (likecwith french) my main grammar issues with chinese are learning to produce them right in speaking and writing. But in reading it just clicks and i know what it means immediately. I dream of the day ill finally get whats going on with japanese verbs and grammar ;-;

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

example #7375 of the tories wrecking the nhs

so. i have covid; ive had two positive tests and the covid monitoring centre is sending me a pulsometer so i can send daily results. theyve called me every day since i reported it.

i also have my first physiotherapy appointment with rheumatology in three days... that i cant really afford to miss.

because if i ask for a rearrangement, its registered on the system as me "refusing to attend the appointment" making it much harder for me to actually get appointments. and having various chronic illnesses (including one that can be fatal if unmonitored and untreated), i very much need regular appointments.

its taken me like four years to get this appointment and the closest rearrangement is six months away.

plus, ive already had to rearrange one this year because i was bedridden with covid last week. and even though the condition the appointment for should be monitored every three months at least to avoid blindness or death, and that one is now two months away.

which means i already have one mark against me, claiming me to be non-compliant. i cant exactly afford another rearrangement since it comes with another negative mark in the system.

so my best option, personally, is to attend the appointment even though i have covid and it is registered on the system that i have covid and covid is an infectious disease.

youd think that factor might make it so that i cannot attend automatically. that would make sense, right?

yeah no. when we called up, the nurse said "as long as you feel up to attending, youll be fine."

its insane, just fucking ludicrous.

the system under tories has literally put me into a fucking trolley problem where my options are:

attend the appointment but risk infecting who knows how many people

OR

miss the appointment and subsequently be marked as a patient who doesnt bother attending appointments and hence, be offered less appointments if any, hence risking blindness or death if im unable to get regular appointments for my neurological disorder that needs regular monitoring to avoid blindness or death

the tories' version of the nhs is literally punishing me for getting ill.

its unacceptable to miss an appointment for any reason, and uh, you know whos more likely to miss an appointment? the disabled and the poor.

the system is blatantly designed to trip up those the tories find undesirable and burdensome; they dont even bother hiding it because a lot of people either agree with them and their bigotry, or they just cant be bothered to care for the disabled and/or the poor.

im sure i could come to some coherent conclusion here, but im honestly just too fucking tired to do that.

fuck tories.

[crplpunkklavier]

also hi hello can we have some. klavier headcanons perhaps 🤲

klavier is his birth name. i will not budge on this. his parents are just extremely weird. not even really the good weird. just weird weird

got a guitar when he was really young and initially had private lessons for classical guitar, which he still plays beautifully. but he did also get really annoyed with those lessons and stopped going eventually without telling anyone. he taught himself the rest, with the help of youtube, and bono

can also play every other instrument in his band, although not as perfectly as he plays guitar. just kind of the basics to help him with writing his compositions

had some tooth troubles in his youth. braces first, and as soon as his teeth looked perfect, there was An Incident that chipped his front teeth, so those are half fake

depending on how mean i want to be to him, that incident is either:

baby got his first longboard and really ate shit, or

baby called a german woman "Fräulein" to her face and got decked in the teeth.

can cook!! likes to cook!! stop saying my man cant take care of himself!!! he can actually take care of himself so well it's a little worrisome if you catch my drift

genuinely always wearing biker boots with any outfit. its a horrible and ridiculous habit

also meaning he cant walk on heels. sorry. its just funny to me. he's beauty he's grace, you know the man has probably learned pole dancing for one of his shows and is really breathtaking at it, but he cannot take two steps in anything other than biker boots, or he will fall over and break both of his ankles, and also lose more of his teeth.

he does have tattoos, conveniently placed to not be spotted even with the court suit cleavage. many have sweet and important meanings, but a good chunk of them are also just silly

he did cry for some of those. and as someone with 10 tattoos myself, some of them in really painful spots: i never cried, and most tattoo artists have told me theyve never had anyone cry either. but i'm telling you. klavier cried.

needs glasses, wears contacts. not necessarily out of vanity, they're just easier to deal with when you wear a motorcycle helmet so often

loooves oldtimey detective stories

keeps his nails short and unpainted. he did regular black nail polish for a while but it kept chipping because he works so much with his hands, and even though that technically works with the look, it drove him crazy

weak stomach. as in gets the shits every time theyre on tour. i have no reason for this headcanon i just think he needs to be nerfed now and then.

[rawmeknockout]

im genuinely curious aboyt your sg universe, no do you have any headcannons or things you wanna share?

ummmm oh shit i never really thought about it hmmm i guess i have some interesting story ideas if you wanna hear those

story ideas like the um mentor/apprentice one with magnus, where magnus had this apprentice/charge that he would look after (i always envision this mech as like the kid of a high ranking autobot in whatever universe bc i just like,,, mentor/apprentice relationship with mags whether its platonic or romantic) and magnus killed them violently in a fit of jealous rage, now the same mech from the lost light, our good regular not so wholeseom universe, is jumped into sg universe and trying to avoid the clutches of that terrifying almost-magnus (the design for sg mags is so disturbing i love it)

i really like anything with sg starscream i think hes pretty and cute; maybe an autobot insert who is terribly torn between the cold ruthless life theyve lived and the tender feeling of starscreams arms around them, they want so desperately to lean into the feeling of stars love, the things they could have, but its so terribly new and what if it doesnt last

i also love ANYTHING about decepticon scientist insert, its one of my standard go-to's with any story idea, and this is the chance to envision them as wholesome and good and benevolent instead of conniving and evil

i also would love to expand more on the sg casseticons since theres only really been like,,,, silly side stories for them, im just interested in the differences there

im always down to theorize and headcanon for sg mechs since its not reeeeally as heavily expanded on (obvs since its just a side story to the main that has waaaaay more lore)

[olberic]

games ive played in 2022, ranked from least to most favourite:

11: hollow knight (2017)

(i cant find a good gif for this one sorry 🥺)

i tried so hard to like this game. i should like it. its got bugs. its got atmosphere. its got worldbuilding and multiple endings. but god i hate platformers. i hate metroidvanias. this was painful to play and i will not be playing any more.

10: project diva future tone (ps4) (2017)

its a rhythm game so it really cant go any higher. i like it more than megamix (plus using the playstation is better than the switch i think) but yknow. i cant say its got great characters or story yknow? but the songs are good and its fun

9: final fantasy x (2001, switch remaster 2019)

i wish i liked this game more… its good but so watery. such old graphics. idk i just couldnt get into it even if the ending was really good

8. tales of phantasia (1995, gba version 2006)

very surprised at how well it holds up. its a tales game so it ranks higher than it probably should for me, but the characters are fun, the gameplay is fun, and its the first game in the series, so its iconic as hell. the old graphics and lacklustre combat knocked it down a few points (as did the goddamn mines…) but the enjoyment i got from it won out. good game. i played the gba version

7. splatoon 3 (2022)

sorry for not playing the other splatoon games this shit is FUN. salmon run is so good, yall. i put more hours into salmon run alone than most other games ive ever played. stream deep cut

6. ys viii (2017)

im actually still playing this one but MAN is it enjoyable. killer soundtrack. cool time mechanics. challenging combat. nice well rounded cast of npcs (and theres like 20+ regular ones!). makes me wanna try the rest of the series. even tho im kinda peeved that theres like no content for this game here but WHATEVER its good. play ys viii.

5. pokemon scarlet (2022)

yes it had bugs & ur correct to say i shouldnt have bought it. but theyve really perfected pokemon games with this one. open world is the way pokemon is meant to be played. the new pokemon are really good designs. the story was actually riveting at the end, the rivals are up there with sun and sword for how well done they are, koraidon’s one of my new faves, and holy god the soundtrack is good. the literal only thing that would improve it would be if it had a bigger dex and wasnt made in such a rush. i wish this game had come out next year or the year after bc then itd be perfect.

4. triangle strategy (2022)

this is the first strategy game in the genre that ive played, and i enjoyed it! i played it 3 times in a row to get all the endings + ramping up the difficulty made it such a good challenge. npcs couldve been a bit better developed, and the roland/benedict endings were bad to play, but the overall enjoyment of the gameplay and different paths puts it so high to the top.

3. pokemon legends arceus (2022)

i know i said scarlet perfected the series but whatever. ive always preferred catching to battling and arceus did a better job of that. between that and the way your character could actually get involved in things its probably my fave pokemon game ever ehehe 😅

2. tales of arise (2021)

i dont care what anyone says this was a REALLY good entry to the series. i liked the story and the twists. i loved the characters. combat was excellent (law main ↖️) and exploration was more fun than other tales games. might not be my favourite tales game but its better than (almost) everything else from this year!

1. tales of the abyss (2005, 3ds version 2012)

I LOVE THIS GAME. IF YOU HAVENT PLAYED THIS GAME YOUR LIFE WILL BE IMPROVED BY PLAYING THIS GAME. its about identity and tragedy and legacy and remembering the past and respecting the present and growing to care for yourself and your loved ones. its about herding rappigs and falling out of landships and going WHY ARE YOU ME. IM ME. it made me cry. its one of the best tales combat systems. why are you still reading this go play tales of the abyss.

[thefinalwitness]

i slept all day and im still severely hurty but i think. we're getting there. o|–< im including a readmore to catch up new ppl who are curious bc ive found being open about my chronic pain has helped inform others to their own so!!!! i like sharing

i've had a gradually worsening chronic illness since 2019-2020—it's hard to say for sure when it started, but my physically demanding job at a retail store slowly went from perfectly doable to 'i cant even survive a four hour shift without multiple episodes of hiding in the bathroom just to let some of the pain subside'.

i ultimately had to quit that job in early 2021, and at the time had a writing job that i thought, surely this will be okay! i was wrong. it was so hard to work as consistently as was needed of me. i spent so much time just writing and then sleeping so i might recover fast enough to do more writing. i was ALWAYS late on deadlines no matter how hard i tried.

eventually that job closed down in general, so naturally i lost it, but i know in my heart i would have had to quit within 6 months otherwise. that was late 2021. i've been unemployed since, with no disability because despite ongoing, regular visits with doctors, we dont know WHATS wrong with me, therefore i do not have a diagnosis, therefore i cannot qualify for disability in my area. yippee!

so that's the backstory! i started pain meds last fall and theyve helped A LOT. i can have fun sometimes! i went to pride this year for the first time since 2019!! there's definitely still something wrong, and lately i do believe it's still worsening (at a slower rate than before i was getting treatment at all), but i've gotten through a lot of the guilt for being 'an unemployed, unproductive human being' and have learned how to be kinder and patient with myself. it's not my fault i'm sick. it's not my fault 'my best' doesn't look like other people's. my family loves me not for what i can do for them, but because they just love me.

it's hard to feel your ability to Do Things slip away. how i cant go to amusement parks anymore bc the trip would wipe my ass out for weeks. how i cant even go to a barbecue next door some days bc everything just hurts too much. the simultaneous RESILIENCE you build, the tolerance for your own pain that makes you second-guess if it's even real. it took me so long to realize what i was feeling was NOT normal, that most people don't have to RATION their activities, their chores, their BASIC HUMAN MAINTENANCE to make sure you don't screw yourself over for tomorrow by being in too much pain to move.

today was bad. i had a really stressful day yesterday, and woke up in so much pain it was literally all i could do to sleep. couldn't eat, couldn't go to the bathroom, couldn't sit up, could BARELY speak. it was like my body was screaming at me, "we should be in a COMA right now, we should be UNCONSCIOUS, this is not something humans were designed to consciously endure." and that's WITH 6+ months medical pain management. it genuinely scares me imagining what this would've felt like today if i WASN'T on my meds.

i'm still very in the woods, but i'm trying to make the most of my situation! i'm open to questions if you want to learn more about this, as one of the biggest things that made me realize i needed help was OTHER PEOPLE being open about their chronic condition. it's not pretty, by any means, i've left out the grossest realities here, but i think it's important to share, in case i can do for someone what those people did for me.

thanks for reading!!!! i appreciate being heard on this too. it's scary, i still worry people will think i'm lazy or a crybaby, so it means a lot when people take the time to try and understand.

<3