Punch out locker room heacanons: minor circuit mishaps
Got a wee bit bored #ijbol I think the minor circuit locker room conditions would be ABYSMAL im talking flickering lights and easy - to - break - everything
The minor circuit locker room is a STATE
The moment disco kid saw he it he swore tears fell from his eyes
Joe always swears someone steals his stuff and kicks off, usually its king hippo who points out he was looking in the wrong locker the whole time
Kaiser is the dedicated janitor since the actual janitor seemingly quit ages ago
Disco tried to help but instead mixed the wrong chemicals together and made fucking mustard gas
King hippo has accidentally crushed almost everyones stuff (mac included, his water bottle exploded because of Hippo's foot)
Joe once found a spider the size of his palm and screamed so loudly that even Disco could hear it through his headphones
They all look out for eachother, Disco plays music in the background whilst everyone trains, Kaiser gives tips on how to move more efficiently in the ring, Joe helps hype everyone up and well Hippo, hippo makes sure everyone is fed after training of course
Disco listens to music with his head phones a bit too loudly... Kaiser has to remind him to turn it down unless he wants to end up partially deaf (kaiser is partially deaf)
When little Mac first joined, Joe saved him the least beaten up locker. It was missing a door and had a punch shaped dent which suspiciously aligned perfectly with kaiser's fist...
King hippo has a locker dedicated to storing food... No. He is NOT sharing said food unless he is in a good mood
When Mac is alone he steals food from Hippo's food locker, no one has caught him yet
One time, kaisers back cracked mid push up and it was so bad Disco and Joe thought he broke something
Mac has caught Disco singing in the showers and yes, Mac did record it. He threatens to show it to everyone whenever Disco tries to annoy him
One time Joe tripped over a misplaced tile on the floor and fell straight into a sink which ended up breaking off the wall and landed on his hand thus breaking it
Now Disco jokes that the sink was glass joe's 100th loss
A similar thing happened with kaiser but instead he sat on a bench and fucking broke it in half. Lets just say Disco found that the funniest thing ever
Disco doesnt have little "hehe" giggle oh nah Disco's laugh would have a beginning middle and end, he would charge up and unleash it, its not a laugh its a hearty roar.
Kaiser sneezes so loudly, sometimes Joe cant tell wether he is yelling something or actually sneezing.
Since king hippo can only roar, Mac learnt sign language to communicate with him, however the only thing he ever told Mac was that kaiser secretly isnt 42 he is 62 which Mac actually thought was true
"kaiser is it true your 62? I mean if you are then, thats impressive you look great for 62!"
"w-was?...."
Kaiser shaved his mustache off one time and until it grew back, no one looked at him in the eye
Joe takes long showers. Doesnt help when there is only 2 and one of them doesnt work because someone (Disco) made mustard gas in that one and everyone was told not to use it
OKAY SO I FEAR I HAD ALOT OF FUN MAKING THIS SO IM GONNA DO ONE FOR THE REST NOW😈😈
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The Beauty of the Beast - Messmer x F!Reader - Elden Ring Fic - Part 5
TasteOfTheDivine // Masterlist
Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57094387/chapters/145208599
Fic Rating: Explicit🌶️🌶️ (Chapter: Teen)
Category: F/M
Fandom: Elden Ring // Elden Ring: Shadow of the Erd Tre
Relationships: Messmer x F!Reader // Messmer the Impaler x F!Reader
Warnings: None
Words: 3862
MASTERLIST // <- Part 4 // Part 6 ->
Author note: I've toned down the Shakespearean old English for Messmer as it was doing my head in. lol So its more of a blend now. Imagine he uses the language as a leader and now he's getting comfortable around you, he's starting to speak more modern like you. Will tie into the story soon.
Also Messmer isn't like 12ft here, I thought more 7ft, so still taller than you but not ridiculously tall lol.
ALSO ALSO: Lordran is were DS1 is set.
You both walk slowly down the main stairs and Messmer gestures to the other side of the castle that you've not explored yet. More glittering stained-glass windows shine bright colours throughout the hallways. You want to ask about them, but when you turn to Messmer, you see a sadness on his face. His posture dips a little and he sighs. Instead you keep quiet.
You are curious about who your saviour is. He towers over you by maybe two feet, he wears lavish clothing and speaks like the old-gods. You couldn't imagine being this close to a God. You're new to this land, maybe he is just royalty? Your mind spins with questions you are dying to ask. But you can tell it is best to not overwhelm the man.
You turn to look at him again, to find one of the snakes that linger around him observing you with its penetrating green eyes. As if it's trying to read your mind. However you stand your ground and you narrow your eyes at the creature with a smirk twisting on your lips.
Messmer notices your teasing.
"Thou art not afraid of hem?" He questions, a slight joy echoes in his question, as if everyone is scared of them.
"Hm?" you snap your gaze from the snake and look up at the man with soft eyes. "Oh, no, I'm not. I'm used to all sorts of animals." You bravely lift up your hand and boop the snake on his nose. The creature wriggles with glee and retreats away from you.
Messmer reaches up and touches his nose. The gesture makes you cock your head. Did he feel that? You smile at yourself.
“May I ask?” You ask softly, looking back at the snakes once again. You’ve noticed the short cloak he wore over his shoulders floats from his body and drapes around what you assume are the snakes bodies.
Messmer stops and lets out a sigh.
“They hast been with me since birth, we can communicate with thought, they’re attached to me.” He says with a monotone voice, as if he’s annoyed with having to explain to his allies. He starts to walk again and ends the conversation with “Aye I feeleth what they feelth also.” He looks back at you over his hunched shoulder.
You blush, biting your lip. “Sorry.” You murmur, picking up the pace to catch up with him. You see Ophis slither out from under his cloak and you swear the serpent winks at you. You smile as he slips back away. Unknowing, Messmer also smiles at your apology.
“Does it hurt?” You blurt out without thinking. Messmer stops for a moment and you feel yourself shrink inwards, you feel the temperature around you two rise a few degrees. You feel bile burn your throat from anxiety. He lets out a sigh and continues walking.
The silence grows between you two again, only the sounds of footsteps can be heard.
"Were thee travelling long before arriving?" Messmer asks tenderly, breaking the silence.
"Yes, for many weeks, I travelled by boat from across the sea." You confirm.
"Thou art not from here?" He asks.
"No, I'm from Lordran. The Distant Lands, as I've been told it's called here."
"Ah, tis why thou wasn't aware of my presence." He chuckles to himself. Behind him, Fidi rolls her eyes at his pompous comment.
You cover your lips with the tips of your fingers and let out a small giggle at the snake behind Messmer’s back. He turns to eye the snake, curious at what it did to make you laugh. You remove your hand and clasp them back in front of you. "No I don't, are you... royalty here?"
Messmer presses his lips in a straight line, wanting to avoid the question he begrudgingly guided you towards.
"Something liketh it, aye." He says with sorrow. "Do thee hast royalty from thy lands?"
You nod. "Yes, many Royal families, even Gods who reside in the Capital." You smile as you talk about your homeland. "There used to be dragons but that was long before my time."
“Fascinating.” Messmer mutters to himself.
He stops and opens a door and invites you inside. Inside was a large grand room with an enormous dining table in the centre of the room, covered in gold and silver plates and cutlery. There's only two seats, one at each end though.
You feel a pang of guilt bubble in your stomach as you remember his invite (request) for dinner on your first night. You walk around the table, fingers gliding over the wood. You sense him watching you. You flick up your eyes and catch him, causing him to breathe in deep and look away. Beside the table was another large fireplace, more snakes carved into the stone hearth. Above a portrait of a woman with long golden hair. You're reminded of the statue from down below. You're not sure how long you were staring at the painting. But you suddenly feel the warmth of Messmer behind you and he joins you in admiring the painting.
You both just stand there. You want to ask but feel like it's an intrusion.
“My mother” he whispers, sounding dejected. “Just like you, I am not from this particular land. I used to reside in the Lands Between at the Capital with my family.”
“Why did you leave?” You crane your neck to look at him still staring at the painting.
You see his adam's-apple bob as he swallows. He takes a deep breath, his chest rising and slowly falling as he compensates answering your question.
“My mother wished me to lead a crusade in her name.” He says, words mixed with venom and despair.
You don’t respond, you just simply nod.
“Do you miss your family?” You question. “I miss mine terribly.”
Messmer scoffs and walks away from you, leaving your question unanswered.
Instead, Messmer walks to the other side of the room and opens a side door and waits for you. You venture down yet another long hallway, candles lighting the way and more decorations of snakes and trees line the walls.
"Why did thee leave?" You both stop by a large bay window and you admire the view. Messmer looks down at you, eyes fixated.
"Oh, well, my father got sick and my mother worried I would catch it so she encouraged me away. I heard of the Lands Between and thought it would be a good place to start anew." You say with tears lining your eyes as you gaze at the trees below.
You feel one of the snakes gently lie its head on your shoulder and it nuzzles your cheek, tongue flicking out and tickling you. The sensation makes you giggle and stops your tears from falling. You think back to Messmer telling you how he can sometimes feel what the snakes feel and you blush.
“I heard of an Academy, Raya Lucaria. I was hoping to go there to study.”
Messmer’s eyebrows raise, genuinely surprised at your want to study, not many from the lower classes know how to read let alone wish to learn sorcery.
“Thee wishes to learn Sorcery and Incantations?” He asks.
You shake your head. “No, not necessarily. I just wanted to learn. Females aren’t allowed in the Academy’s back home.” You play with your fingers again. “I like reading.” You smile at him, but embarrassed you drop your gaze back to the floor and you turn away from him and the window. “Beg your pardon my lord, this probably sounds inadequate. You must think me dull.”
Messmer frowns. “Not at all.” He mutters. “Actually…” He bites his lip and hesitates to finish his sentence. He sees you looking up at him through your lashes, big eyes glistening and incandescent in the sun shining through the window. He feels his stomach flip again. “Follow me.” He marches down the hallway taking large strides with glee.
You stumble behind him as you pick up your dress to follow the large man. The snakes look at each other, nodding their heads and glancing at you. You feel unnerved they might be talking about you, can snakes even talk? You ask yourself. They must do so if Messmer communicates with them.
The pair of you reach a metal cage lift, Messmer steps inside and barely fits himself. He offers you his hand, you stare at it for a moment but reach out and cup his large fingers. His skin was soft and warm, but not human warm, a warmth that you could feel in your bones. Like standing by a fire while a snow storm rages outside. You hesitate for a moment, your legs feel wobbly and begin to shake. You timidly toe the bottom of the lift before feeling yourself being hoisted in the air by a snake around your waist. The snake plops you down gently but you still shudder. Your hand still in Messmers gigantic but tender grasp.
When you settle your weight, the cage groans and creaks and you feel your stomach bubble with nervousness. You worry if the lift can even hold your weight let alone the both of you.
“Hold on.” He mutters so deep you feel it vibrate from his chest. He pulls a metal lever and the cage shakes and so do you. On instinct you grab his toga and hold tight, bunching the loose fabric in your fist for dear life, you press yourself against him and cover your face. You squeeze your eyes shut and feel the contraption slowly rise upwards. Your other hand still grasps him tightly as your stomach drops at the movement. Messmer, looking down at you, smiles. He moves his free hand to cup your waist and hold you steady, he can feel you tremble under his palm. Once you feel more secure, you stop shaking for a moment.
Your face pressed against his tunic covered chest - you feel he’s chiselled and hard muscled, but you also feel the protrusion of the snakes that you assume must be attached to his body. Only a thick drape of fabric separates the two of you and yet you can still feel this heat once again. You feel not just a blush on your cheeks but your entire face glows red. You don't remove your hand from his, and you feel his fingers grip yours a little tighter.
The cage lift stops suddenly and you let out a gasp and the breath you didn't realise you were holding. As if you weigh nothing, you feel him pick you up and hoist you off the cage. You didn’t even notice him move away from you. Opening your eyes, you see another grand staircase surrounded by candles - however all made of stone.
“I've never been on such a device before.” You let out a shaky laugh, you go to stand away from Messmer but find yourself still attached to him. He notices and lets go of your hand.
“Apologies, I didn’t bethink to ask.” He rubs the back of his neck again and walks away from you nervously. You follow behind him up the stairs to the top outside of yet another large wooden door decorated with golden handles.
“There’s something I wish to show thee.” Messmer reaches for the handles and pulls the door open slightly, but then slams it shut, a blast of dusty air blows in your face. “But first, thee must closeth thy eyes.” He says with glee, his golden eye sparkling with joy. You tilt your head, curious and narrow his eyes at him suspiciously.
“Tis a surprise.”
You slowly close your eyes and drop your shoulders. You hear the aged creak of the doors in front of you opening. Then you feel his hands gently cup yours as he guides you into the room. A dusty smell hits your nose but a familiar one. Your footsteps echo around what sounds to be a chasm of a room.
“Can I open them now?” You ask timidly.
“Nay, nay, not yet.”
With your vision shrouded, your hearing heightened as you hear that familiar roar of flames being lit and the darkness from behind your eyes turn orange.
“Waiteth one moment.” Messmer lets go of your hands, leaving them feeling cold, you cup them in front of your chest waiting. You hear the loud swoosh of a pair of curtains, turning the orange to a peach colour and the warmth of the sun hits your face.
Messmer stands behind you, you feel his hands on your shoulders and you flinch at the surprised touch. He leans down and places his face close to your, his lips nearly touching the shell of your ear, you feel his breath and let in a gasp. “Okay, open thy eyes”. He whispers, sending a shiver down your spine.
Opening your eyes, you’re met with a grand, vast, incredible library. The room must be about 8 stories high, in the shape of an hexagon, some walls filled with books and scrolls, others lined with stone tablets. To the left a large winding staircase leading to more open rooms and balconies filled with more and more books. You gasp at the unimaginable sight. You step away from Messmer, hands clasped over your mouth in awe. You slowly spin, looking around at the stacks of books. You feel your chest tighten, a lump forms in your throat.
“I can’t believe it.” You whisper, your neck craning back so much it could roll off your shoulders. You continue to turn and spin looking at each nook above you. The warm glow of the candles seems to not stretch high enough.
Messmer stands watching you, a smile on his face. Ophis butts him in the shoulder trying to gain his attention, but he merely waves the serpent away. His eyes transfixed on you.
“I’ve never seen so many books, this is incredible.” You feel tears line your eyes once again, your breathing becomes shaky as you try and control yourself and the intense wave of emotion.
“Doth thee like it?” Messmer asks and you snap your gaze back to him, a tear falls down your cheek and he feels his heart squeeze. But he knows it’s happy tears that fall.
“It’s wonderful.” You whisper, you look around at the bookcases around you. “May I?” you ask softly. Messmer simply nods and gestures to you. You turn suddenly and find the first bookcase to your left, you read the spines of the books, running your fingers over the gold embossed letters.
“I don’t even know where to start.” You grin so hard your cheeks hurt, you turn to Messmer who casually follows behind you.
He chuckles at your enthusiasm. You run away to the next bookcase, looking at the next set of colourful books. Ophis butts Messmer again, the man turns his head and snaps at his companion.
“Aye, Ophis?” He says through gritted teeth, annoyed that he was interrupted.
“Ask her to dinner again” the snake opens his mouth enthusiastically, happy to offer help. Messmer sighs and scratches him under the chin.
“I shall, friend, just alloweth her first to explore.” He looks at you crouched on the floor looking at more books, pulling one out and flicking through the pages but not reading a single line.
Fidi slithers into view. “You did good, Messmer.” The snake nods and touches its forehead to Messmer. He sighs and walks over to you.
“I shall leaveth thee to read, if thou require aught, just pull yond cord by the door,” he weakly smiles at you and starts to walk away.
You didn’t hear him, instead you felt the warmth of him leave your surroundings and you hastily look up distraught. “Wait!” You call out to him, standing and running over to him. He turns slowly and you run into him, wrapping your arms around his waist and hugging him tightly.
He stands there shocked, arms in the air and doesn’t dare move. You mumble your gratitude into his chest and he barely hears it. He breathes in a few times and hesitates to move. Fidi moves and slithers over his hand and guides it down, till his large fingers wrap around your back as he returns the hug, pulling you in. He feels his body shake, it has been many a year since he had felt the gentle embrace of someone, anyone, let alone a fair maiden.
You pull away from him and run back off to your books, you pull a few more out from the shelf and pile them next to you.
“I shall come receive thee for dinner later.” He tells you before leaving you to your new books. You don’t reply, but your smile makes him huff out a small laugh before turning away and walking out of the library.
***
Messmer sits alone in his room thinking about you upstairs, he thinks about how close you were in the lift with him, how easily you hugged him, how you weren’t frightened of him anymore. Also how you easily interacted with Fidi and Ophis. He felt his chest tighten, his heart flutter. A small smile grew on his face, he never thought he would appreciate the company of someone new, the castle had grown stale since the war ended and he hid himself away. He hadn’t heard from his family or mother in years, he wasn’t even sure if he was welcome back home or not.
Fidi and Ophie rest their heads on Messmers chest, facing the man. Fidi opens her eyes, sensing distress within Messmer.
“Don’t ruin the wonderful day, Mess. Think of her, the future. Not the past.”
He reaches up and pets the snake on the head.
“I’m sorry Fidi.” He sighs. “I just have never hath felt this way about anyone before. I has’t this desire to protect the maiden. Care for her.”
“She is wonderful, isn’t she? She suits the castle well.”
He feels the blush on his cheeks again.
“The lady does.” Messmer sighs.
Fidi closes her eyes again, nuzzling back against Ophis.
Ophis speaks without moving; “Do you think she’ll stay if you asked her to?”
“I would desire so.”
Messmer stares up at the ornate ceiling through the hole burnt in the top of the canopy bed, blackened from smoke and char. He thinks of you and your kaleidoscopic eyes, your soft skin and your melodic laugh.
***
The night draws in, Messmer watches the sun finally set over the treeline from his balcony. He took to the snow covered veranda as he does every night to watch the falling sun, the one constant that is the same here and as back home. In silence, he makes his way up to the unused library, even though he couldn't remember the last time he stepped inside.
He’s grateful the door was still wide open, stepping inside he looks around the ground floor for you. Cautiously he looks around, a small pang of worry hits his chest as he wanders in the dark, candles long burnt away leaving stalactites of red and white wax down the candelabras. The small hint of dusk from outside keeps the room alight.
He goes up the stairs and turns the corner, at the end of the first row of bookcases he sees a small flickering light from a corner. A large pile of books blocks his view till he peers over the top to see your sleeping form resting on a pile of pillows propped against a loveseat, also covered in scrolls and opened books. An opened book rests against your slow breathing chest. The one lone candle by your side flickers against his movement, casting delicate shadows on your sleeping face.
For a moment he thought about waking you for dinner, but after watching you sleep for a moment, your peaceful face made him feel weak. He looks at Fidi who tilts her head at you, also admiring the sleeping maiden in front of them. Messmer presses his lips together and reaches down to the book on your chest. His fingers graze the soft skin of your chest near the swell of your breast. He nearly drops the book back onto you as he nearly pulls away as if struck by lightning. He holds himself for a moment, mentally taking in how soft you feel before removing the book.
You wiggle at the change of pressure on your body. But your eyes remain closed. Messmer scoops you up in one shift motion, letting your head and hand rest against his chest once again. He felt comfort in having you close to him. He notices a small smile form on your sleeping lips. Fidi and Ophis slither over your body and rest their heads on your stomach and look up at you, tongues flicking out to taste the air around you.
Carefully, Messmer carries you out of the library. Not wanting to startle you awake with the loud clattering of the iron lift, he slowly descents the secret staircase that wraps around the tower. However he is grateful he gives him a few more moments with you resting against him, safe in his arms. For a moment he remembers how powerful and dangerous his hands are, how easily he could set you alight with his cursed powers, how much blood is on them.
He shakes his head of the wretched thoughts, tightening his grip on you. You held his hands so easily, touched his ashen skin without hesitation, held him close and found him secure for a moment. He blooms with the idea of how easily you’re being to trust him. Yet he knew you’d run away the second you learnt of his past. Fidi senses their master's distress and wraps herself around his shoulders to comfort him.
Finally he makes it back down to the heart of the castle, carefully marching up the grand staircase, he hesitates. He looks down the left corridor to your room, then to the right to his. For a moment he thinks about carrying you to his bedchambers, so you may slumber on his bed, so he can watch over you, protect you. For a moment he swears he feels his feet start that selfish journey. But he stops himself and turns to the left and carries you back to your room. He carefully opens the door and places you down on the bed, moving a stray strand of hair from your face, fingers delicately toy with the strand for a moment before smoothing back around your ear, fingers gliding over your soft cheek.
He looks down at your sleeping form once more before sighing and walking away. He closes the door behind him with a click.
***
You open your eyes when you hear the door shut. Sitting up, you stare at the door waiting for it to open again, but it doesn’t. You raise your hand to your cheek and trace your fingers over where he last touched. You bite your lip and rest your head on the pillow, grabbing it and hugging it tight, before closing your eyes and falling back asleep.
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