#not just you

[lorelune]

hey fellas and folks i have been meaning to write something up about this but haven't known where to start or where i'll end up. but i DO feel like it deserves addressing.

(having my joker moment joker moment)

i really love this niche. i found a home in it during a very difficult time in my life, and have found many friends and lasting irl connections from the writings shared and conversations had. this place is so incredibly, INCREDIBLY dear to me. despite going through many horrors (tm) while in this community, i continue to stay because there is a lot about it that i love.

however, in the last... i don't know, year or so? there has been such an abundance of discourse, gossip and drama both publicly and privately that has exhausted me to no end. these things have always existed, they always will, but in the past year they have felt so draining and despairing that it has made finding the same comfort and joy in this community is hard. a lot of times, impossible!

one of the things that genuinely makes me SO sad is the tags. i made most of my lasting friendships in this niche but seeing a writing in the tags that i enjoyed and dming the author and shouting together. i have found so many great writers in the tags, and i still crawl around them today looking for fic!! HOWEVER. i find it difficult, not just because of the abundance of vague smut-related comphet posts with a slew of character names underneath from unrelated fandoms (to each there own but it isn't a posting style i enjoy!) but moreso because of the INSANE number of posts by antis that get thrown into the tags. main tags, character tags, x reader tags. it is so deeply disheartening to be looking for fic to enjoy and get jump scared by a posts saying horrible things about those who enjoy dark content. respectfully if you're above the age of eighteen and looking for writing on tumblr dot gov, i HIIIIGHLYY recommend using your literacy to first read ANY article or study summary about human psychology and sexuality and why fantasy does not equal what someone actual desires! signed a sex-repulsed ace spec mf who writes and enjoys smut. hate to use myself as example, but i hate even more to see folks in the tags be puritanical and pro-censorship under the guise of progressive ideology.

i want to say that there are parties within this niche that are CONSISTENTLY at the center of drama and conflict. no matter what fandom, no matter the url changes and lurking, they are there and its the same mfs. this is a complete vague, as i'm sure the parties in involved in the targeted harassment and ensuing drama do not know who i am, nor know that i know. but i DO <3, and so do plenty of other writers in our niche who have politely blocked and left you alone. do us all a fucking favor and do the same, instead of instigating harassment and being hateful cunts.

in this vein, in my closer circle, i know that these events (especially in the last six months) have caused folks to become conspiratorial and assume bad faith. i understand this is a protective measure because folks have gone through the wringer. however it makes me so sad to see what is often folks who likely do not know any context or horrors of the community, be painted so poorly in casual conversations when most of the time, communication is made to create a connection, not to start a fight.

i find myself reflecting on WHY i have come to not feel comfortable in this community. why i don't enjoy writing the same way, why i don't feel the same security i once felt, why i get so damn nervous to post a silly thought or thirst on main, and i find myself coming back to these experiences and the subsequent fear that follows. perhaps i am a weak-hearted coward, but i find it hard to find joy when i feel surrounded by constant negativity and genuine cruelty. it is hard to want to share any of myself when i am so deeply aware that whether it is strangers or people i have become close to, what i enjoy and what i choose to express and share can be so easily twisted into something it is not.

i know it would be easier if i had a thicker skin, or felt secure enough that this didn't bother me, but part of the core problem is that this community has made me insecure. it's a loop. it is one that makes me genuinely sad, as this place once felt so much like home. i know it still can be, but it certainly won't be sitting here, starting at blank documents and text posts wondering to myself 'why can't i just put words on paper' while i have the cortisol levels of a prey animal.

i'm not sure if other folks have felt similarly, or find themselves in the same point. however if you do, or you find yourself resonating, here's to feeling seen 🥂

- papa salami (lore) 🌙

[sibillascribbles08]

Finally got past this point in the main fic so have some more What If. This is going to be much more upsetting than it is in the OG storyline aslkdjf

@thelamebat

Everything moved way too fast.

Donatello couldn’t get a grip. Not on his surroundings, his vision, his hearing, or even his sense of smell. Images and sounds flashed by him so fast. In a weird way he could comprehend it, and in others it made him feel sick. He wanted to puke. Maybe he did.

He could tell he wasn’t actually anchored in anything that was happening, but still couldn’t see beyond it.

His father. His siblings. The first car he built. His first laptop. The time they snuck out of the lair. The time they met April. Their first lair games that cemented his fear of beach balls.

The first trip to the Hidden City. Going out night after night trying to be heroes. Dark Armor. Shredder. Draxum.

The Kraang.

He felt the scream that tore from his throat as he felt the sensation of being ripped out of the ship. Then--

“Leo.” He shouted. “Leo. Leo!”

“Donnie, I’m here.” A voice interrupted. Just where was it coming from? “I’m right here.”

Someone held his face. The familiar sensation finally ripped away the images rushing through his vision, but he still couldn’t see clearly. Everything seemed blurry, faint, like looking in a dream.

Still, he recognized that shade of blue, the red underneath it.

“Leo?” He kept blinking, trying to get his vision to focus but the memories started rushing in again. That’s what they were, right? “What’s going on?”

“Just breathe, Donnie.” Mikey spoke from... somewhere. “Your memories are trying to catch up.”

Of course they were. But why?

He’d probably know the answer to that soon enough.

Big Mama. The Battle Nexus. Becoming Champion. Keeping secrets.

Holly Blue.

The business proposal. The Lab. The tech. The threat letters. His dart gun. His accusation.

Her hand gently patting him on the head.

Varii.

Remembering the eel’s name snapped the final pieces into place.

He sat up straight, his vision finally shifting back to normal. Leo still sat in front of him with the rest of his siblings and father nearby. They were all on the floor inside some kind of... well he couldn’t figure out what it was. A lab? It looked like they built it out in the middle of the woods.

Closer to the door was Draxum, with April and both Casey’s by his side.

Donatello glanced at all their faces before looking down at his hands, then his arms, then his shoulders. It looked just like how he remembered it. But...

“I got de-mutated.” He mumbled.

“Y-yeah.” Raph kept pressing his fingers together. “B-but it’s fine. We got you back. You do uh, remember everything, right?”

Donatello nodded, but even with the rush of memories gone he still felt numb, lost, trying to pick through all the information he’d been hit with. “Is... is Varii still in my lab? How long have I even been gone?”

“Two weeks.” Draxum stated flatly. “Just about. There’s a lot to catch up on.”

Still, he didn’t continue that statement. Donatello took a second to do some math. If Varii attacked them then, then today’s date was--

“Oh.” Donatello looked directly at Leo, who was failing to keep the tears from spilling out of his eyes. “Leo I’m--”

His twin suddenly hugged him, tighter than he had in years. “Don’t. Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But... our birthday--”

“It’s fine.” Leo leaned back to show off his half forced smile. “It’s fine because you’re back now. We can celebrate it later. Okay?”

Donatello was barely convinced that it was “fine,” as his brother put it, but he nodded anyway. Leo pulled him back into a hug, and within seconds the rest of his family joined in. He still felt pretty overwhelmed, and now a bit suffocated, but he let it happen. For their sakes.

He let his mind wander while he was buried under all the contact. His first thought was about his mask. Then his goggles. Then what this sorry excuse for a lab was.

Then--

“Wait,” he spoke loud enough to be heard through the pile his family created. “Where’s Holly Blue?”

-------------------------------

Holly Blue hadn’t gone to the lab.

She stayed in the cabin, in the spare room, staring out the window.

For one, she wasn’t sure she could stomach seeing what happened to Donatello last time, just in reverse, all over again.

For another, his entire family insisted on at least being nearby, so no doubt the room would be crowded enough as is assuming everything worked.

If everything worked...

No. She couldn’t think on it. It would be what it would be, nothing more and nothing less. And if it turned out they couldn’t get Donatello back then she would just--

A set of footsteps rushed through the hall. Her antenna twitched, unable to pick up a specific scent among the smoke she left in the air. She should have opened the window.

Then someone appeared in the doorway. At first she didn’t even recognize him. Without his goggles, purple mask, or his father’s eyebrows his face looked completely different. The blanket wrapped around his shoulders hid his markings as well.

But, after a few seconds of staring, she recognized the expression on his face.

“Donatello.” She wanted to rush over to him, cradle his face in her hands and whisper a thousand apologies, but she didn’t move. The direct contact would just upset him anyway. “It’s good to see you again.” A far too simple way of putting it, but it was all she could manage.

His shocked expression shifted to confusion. He stepped into the room, slowly, clutching his blanket tighter. “Yeah...” He kept walking forward, only stopping when he stood a few feet away. “You... weren’t in the lab.”

Her antenna twitched. “No. With the rest of your family there I thought it’d be too crowded.”

He continued to stare, eyes moving only ever so slightly as he studied her face. “Tell me the real reason.”

Holly hated herself for flinching. “I... don’t know what you mean.”

“They already caught me up on everything.” Donatello shifted the blanket further up on his shoulders. “About my lab, Varii, Shelldon, the drones, the city, and how you avoid them as much as possible.”

“Things have been tense since you...” She reached up to run her hand along her antenna, trying to rid herself of the phantom smell of acid. “I did not wish to make things more awkward.”

“Did they blame you for this?”

“Some did. They tried to apologize for it later, but there was no need.” She scoffed and let go of her antenna. “They were right.”

Now Donatello looked flat out horrified, his eyes shifting between shock and anger. “No. It’s not your fault. How could it possibly be your fault?”

Holly rolled her eyes. Was she really going to have this conversation all over again? “Varii was my client. I let him right into your lab not once but twice. In all my experience in the city, I should have been more cautious about what clients I brought to you.”

“He was lying to both of us. There’s no way you could have--”

“I should have been more cautious.” She emphasized, raising her wings. “Especially when I was receiving threat letters. I should have... I should have made you leave the city.”

“What?”

“Of course you would have been a target. It was naive of me to think that just because I was the only one getting threats that they wouldn’t go after you. You’re a scientist. You’re the one best equipped to counter them. I should have realized you’d be their number one target. When I showed you what I know I should have told you to leave.”

“No.” Donatello glared at her. “No. I told you back then that you’re my friend. I wouldn’t have just left you there to deal with that by yourself.”

“And what good did staying do? Varii kept all the suspicion off him. Investigating didn’t give us a single clue and, I assume, lead to your dart gun being discovered and stolen.” He never actually had the chance to tell her how that all happened, but it was an easy assumption to make when Varii pulled it out. “If you hadn’t been there Varii couldn’t have gotten that tech from you. His plans would have been delayed, at worst, or put to a halt at best.”

“Stop.”

She wouldn’t. She was sick of all the arguments about this. “You would have been better off staying on the surface until--”

“Stop!” Donatello shouted at her, at a volume she’d never heard before. “Stop. Just stop. I’m not--” His voice sputtered, tears forming in his eyes. “I’m not a liability.”

Holly Blue flinched, her wings going down. What? No. That wasn’t what she was trying to say.

“I’m not...” His gaze darted around before it settled on the floor, his shoulders dropping. “No, maybe you’re right. I spent all that time standing at the top of the Battle Nexus only to get taken out in a matter of minutes by a stupid eel and some stupid lightning. My tech was useless. My magic was useless. I lost Shelldon and then failed to block a single dart.”

No. That wasn’t what she meant. “Donatello.”

“But,” his gaze moved back to her, a tear finally rolling down his cheek. “Even if that’s the case, I still couldn’t have just left you there. Even if I was worthless, I couldn’t--”

“You’re not worthless.” Holly Blue snapped. “That wasn’t what I meant. It’s the exact opposite. You’re too important. You should have been somewhere safer.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your magic.” She pointed to him. “Is the only thing that could eventually counter Varii’s. Your ability to hack tech could develop to be the perfect way to fight back. You... I should have been faster. I should have taken that hit.”

“Don’t say that!” He was shouting all over again. “As if that would have been any better.”

“If I had gone down instead, you and your siblings could have easily stopped Varii by now. Instead there’s a whole invasion happening in New York.”

“So what? You still would have been...”

“And why does that matter?”

Donatello flinched before he glared. “Because I care about you!”

Holly Blue opened her mandibles, but failed to think of something to say in response to that. In some ways the statement was so obvious, but it still took her off guard.

“I hate this.” He muttered, finally wiping at his eyes. “Why are we even arguing?”

Why were they? Because she was so desperate to take on the blame for this whole mess and Donatello wouldn’t let her? She’d call it foolish, but here she was scolding him for trying to do the same thing. Hypocritical, at the very least.

“We can’t change what happened.” His voice slipped back to his monotone. “All we can do is reconfigure and find a way to stop Varii. Does it even matter who’s fault it is? It’s his fault.” He narrowed his eyes. “He’s the one causing all of this.”

Holly Blue sighed, crossing both pairs of her arms. “You’re right.”

“And after we stop him don’t...” He kept trying to meet her gaze, only to turn away. “Please don’t kick me out for some dumb reason like trying to keep me safe. I don’t care how dangerous it is.” Finally he focused his stare on her. “I don’t want to give up the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Her wings fluttered but she forced them to go still. “Donatello, if you wanted to keep making tech for the hidden city you could easily--”

He groaned. “No. Not that. You.”

Holly Blue couldn’t disguise the confusion on her face. “I don’t...”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean.” He was glaring, but his expression looked far more akin to a childish pout. “Even if I could make it selling tech down there by myself I wouldn’t want to. Working with you is what makes it fun, and I’m not giving it up. And if you kick me out I’ll just come back.”

Holly Blue sighed, her eyes squinting just a bit into a smile.

So stubborn. Just like his father.

“True, you would, wouldn’t you.” She held up her cigarette holder, tapping it against her mandibles. “I can picture you now, trying to climb through one of the windows like a cockroach.”

He made a disgusted face at her. “Is that supposed to be a joke?”

“Yes, perhaps I have bad timing.” She reached out to pat him on the head, but went still when she remembered he wasn’t wearing her mask. Maybe she should go for his shoulder instead?

Didn’t matter. To her surprise, Donatello reached up to grab her hovering hand and press it to his cheek. His eyes squinted shut, clearly not enjoying the sensation, but he refused to let go.

“Donatello, you don’t have to--”

“It’s fine.”

“I know the sensation bothers you.”

“So what if it does?” He opened one eye to look at her. “Sometimes there’s more important things.”

Her wings fluttered again as she hummed. “It’s appreciated, but don’t overdo it.”

At least he listened to that, letting go of her hand so she could pull it back. She watched him rub his face a few times with both hands.

“Where is your mask?” She asked. “You look so strange without your father’s eyebrows.”

His eyes went wide. “Huh?”

“Am I wrong? The ones you draw on your mask look so much like Lou Jitsu’s.”

“I mean, they were inspired by him.” His voice shifted to a mumble. “But I didn’t think it was that recognizable.”

“To be fair, he’s one of the few humans I interacted with, so I don’t have a lot of reference material.” She considered it a bad idea, but still reached out to tap him on the nose. “Just one of your many shared traits I suppose.”

“Shared what now?” He narrowed his eyes at her. “I’m nothing like my dad.”

Holly Blue snorted before covering her mouth and smothering her laughter. “You think so?”

“What possible shared traits?”

“You should go find your mask.”

“Holly...”

“Go on.”

“No. No no no.” He kept holding the blanket as he waved his arms up and down, making it flap like a pair of wings. “You are not escaping this conversation.”

She couldn’t manage to hide her laughter this time. Once again, she wished she had the ability to cry, even if this time it was for more of a joyful reason.

She was so glad to have him back.

[paintedcrows]

Did anyone tell Ford (bonus doodles: Family Movie Night, 70s Classics)

[koobiie]

shoutout to everyone who wants to infodump but cant string together coherent thoughts to form sentences and instead just look at you like this

[knockknockwhosthereartistism]

I was inspired

[medichamcham]

i really enjoy looking through reddit threads related to death metal because the replies sound like a groupchat for cartoon villains

[ilona-mushroom]

Not socialist in a “I won’t have to work” type of way but socialist in a “I’ll still be working but I won’t be worried I won’t make the rent” type of way. In a “billions won’t be hoarded by one person” type of way. In a “janitors, fast-food workers, child care workers, preschool teachers, hotel clerks, personal care and home health aides, and grocery store cashiers, will live comfortably” type of way. In a “the sick and elderly will be cared for” type of way. In a “no child should work” type of way.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Knowledge Revenge.

[sheepydraws]

The secret Dungeon Meshi sauce that's getting people to eat better is that it's so non-judgmental. Senshi and the rest of the gang never talk about what not to eat besides things that taste bad and literal poison. They don't even talk about "health" that much besides the importance of a balanced diet. It's so much easier to eat well when you think of food simply as something your body needs, and that it's often worth the extra effort to make it taste good, especially when you understand how to connect "things your body needs" with "things that taste good"

[bonesandthebees]

one of the most infuriating things about becoming an adult is when you realize that it actually is 10x easier to solve problems by making a phone call vs literally any other communication method

[vamprisms]

i feel like a lot of the 'i hate kids' crowd would be more tolerant if they understood that due to a kid's limited experience of the world that 4 hour flight might just be the longest they've ever had to sit still for or that trapped finger might literally be the most pain they've ever felt in their short life or they might not have ever seen a person with pink hair ever so of course they want to touch it or nobody's told them yet that they can't run around the museum and they only just learned cheetahs are the fastest animals so of course they want to put that to the test. how were they supposed to know etc etc.

[stil-lindigo]

they're burning ballots in the US now btw. in case you wanted to know where things are at.

Edit: to clarify, locations mentioned are Vancouver, Washington and Portland, Oregon. This news story does not involve Canada.

Important info: Context: Dropbox location was Fisher's Landing Transit Center near Southeast 162nd Avenue Hundreds of ballots lost, voters should contact the Clark Auditor ASAP Clark Auditor contact info: clark.wa.gov/auditor (Washington voters) can confirm your ballot was received on: vote.wa.gov (Oregon voters) can confirm your ballot was received on: sos.oregon.gov General Ballot tracker: voteamerica.org/ballot-tracker

[bob-artist]

Bittern at the grocery store

[12neonlit-stage]

you're allowed to discuss and work together, reblog for a higher sample size or something

You have 1 week, good luck!

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again