#not getting into details i just want to vent about my stupid brain

[aluminia]

Yeah I don't think the amount of health anxiety I have is neurotypical

[googsvents]

I have a hard time convincing myself people care about me and don't just secretly hate me (which i know is a me problem and not on other people) but man is it made worse by certain people

[leisureflame]

"I CANT THINK"

If you write, I assure you you have thought that.

Fear no more child, for I have found a solution.

it's called Rapid writing

something we learned when I was in 9th grade drama class and I cannot emphasize enough just how effective it is. Its actually what gave me the idea for my first book.

Stop what you are doing and do what I tell you

go grab either a pencil and paper (or open an empty document)

set a timer for 2 minutes

ask a friend to give you a random sentence. I have a few examples that I myself rapid wrote to: a) I looked around and saw b) the old lady hung from the ceiling and laughed c) purple paint dripped from her long purple fingernails d) there is a hole in my ceiling. e) when I am sad I... f) When you close the door, I... g) there is a wooden door with a gold doorknob

Now the most important thing is not to think of this sentence before you start writing. as soon as you decide which one if you are choosing from my examples (or as soon as you hear it if you are getting if from a friend), start the timer.

start writing the sentence and without hesitating just keep writing. the #1 rule here is to not stop or hesitate for a single second until the 2 minutes are over. you can write nonsense if you want and if you REALLY can't continue then write some random words for a couple of seconds then continue AS LONG AS YOU ARE STILL WRITING.

another rule is that you are not allowed to delete. even if its a spelling error, just ignore it.

after the timer is done, I promise you will have something to work with. now copy the paragraph you wrote and paste it below, here you can start fixing spelling errors and adding things at your own pace because now the creative side of your brain has opened.

don't think about the way you are writing or the words you use, think about the story you are telling. the idea.

Sometimes you will get something beautiful and deep like I did here:

When I am sad I go to my blanket, not many people know about it, all they think is happening is that a child likes to cuddle in a blanket, but no. my blanket has a special thing about it, it is a magical blanket, well, not the blanket itself but the embroidery on the blanket, it simply takes my sadness away but it adds the story of my emotions to the embroidery, my blanket is a very pretty one, it is a pastel blue color and it has so much silk embroideries that you just think its patterns, but it isn't, if you look deeper you will find stories every one of those stories came from someones tears... my tears. whenever i cry, i wipe my tears with my blanket and my pain goes but my story stays.

or

there is a wooden door with a gold doorknob on the door there is a painting of you, and there are many locks on the door from top to bottom, when you open the door, there is a mirror. this door is the door to self discovery, from the outside there is a painting of how people think you look like but when you open the door, you get to see what you really are in detail and look at yourself they way you want to, you can smile or cry and the refection on the mirror will change but on the painting, it doesn't show ur emotions, just how people see you usually.

or you can get something so stupid like i did here:

there is a hole in the ceiling in my classroom. everyday a dinosaur would a pear and eat my lunch and i keep coming home hungry but my mom dsays she packed me enough food. so she didn't feed me. i told her a dinasour was eating my lunch but she said that disasours only live in Norway! so i went into the school vents looking for that idino and revenge my food, we met at last, held our weapons, i was holding a subway sandwich and the dino was holding a bana na MY BANANA  i lost it, so i attacked him one hit on the head and the whole species were extinct , people thousand of years from now said dinos got extinct because of a meteorite but i know better, also i am still alive because whoever kills a dino becomes immortal, also i killed my mom for not believing me and let her starve in her grave just like she let made me starve. and then i killed everyone who was a flat earther because i hate them and now i can kill anyone once i tap them with my super subway sandwich 

(by the way, ignore the horrible spelling, the examples i gave were from the unedited version.)

THE POINT IS ITS ACTUALLY SO HELPFUL. you can use it for a new story idea (i used the blanket one as an element in one of my WIPs and it helped the story a lot) or if you get something stupid like the dino one I wrote THATS GOOD THATS FINE because now you have your creativity going.

I challenge you to actually try this and PLEASE share it with me I LOVE reading other peoples rapid writings. have fun <3

tagging @cosmosandcapybaras24 @ajsbookshelf @gloryofdawn, @chaoticharmony93 @deception-united and anyone else who's interested to try this out and share with me!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for faking my death to get out of an abusive relationship?

Tw for verbal + mental/psychological abuse and suicide

I used to be in a discord server with some friends, there were about 40 people in it, only around 20 who were actually active. It was a while ago I can't remember. I was in that server for about 4 months.

From the start, people would occasionally get mad at me over something I didn't do. About every month or so someone would start a rumor about me and make the whole server gang up on me, I'd tell them it was false, but everyone would still avoid me for the next couple days.

I never did anything wrong, but I was always the center of the drama, and when I asked one person, R, why, he said he didn't know and that I didn't deserve so much hate.

About a week later R was talking in the vent channel about how I had manipulated him. I DMed him to ask why, and he told me it was because I asked him if he was my friend. I thought it was fucking stupid because it's not manipulative to be paranoid, but I pretended to be sorry because I didn't want him to be mad at me.

The server also had a bot where you could submit anonymous messages, and lots of people would use that feature to make up things about me to ruin my reputation.

After a while I left the server and only stayed in contact with a few people. However, every couple days another person would tell me I'm a monster and gaslight me into thinking I'm a terrible person, and every time I asked why they hated me they didn't give me an answer.

My only real friend, T, showed me some messages from the others after I left the server, and a bunch of people were making up stories about bad things I had done to them, and people who I had never even spoken to were saying that I had abused them and was dangerous.

Once someone told me thay they understood all the things R had said about me weren't true, but said it was still my fault anyway, and even told me that R had done nothing wrong (he lied about me in front of the entire server and is the reason I lost all my friends, and he yelled at me and called me evil because I was suicidal), and then they accused me of faking having amnesia because I had flashbacks.

Eventually, only four of my "friends" hadn't blocked me, and they almost never talked to me. Everyone kept calling me a terrible person because R spread lies about me and everyone else believed him instead of me.

It was to the point where I couldn't go one day without someone sending me death threats or trying to guilt trip me with false information, and I was getting very sever flashbacks of the stuff R had said to me, and I started failing classes because I couldn't focus on anything.

Eventually I had had enough, so I tagged them all in a tumblr post about how I was going to kill myself and then logged out of both that tumblr account and my old discord account forever.

(Also about a month after I had left, I got texts from irl friends, and it turns out someone on the server found the contact info of people I knew in real life just to ask if I was dead or not. And that scared the shit out of me.)

I've left out a lot of details of the abuse because of amnesia. I have a mental disorder which makes it hard to remember things, plus the brain often blocks out traumatic memories, so I'm sorry if some info feels missing.

The only reason I feel like I might be an asshole is because once I was gone, all of them switched targets and started to harass T. They said they hated him for being on my side, and sent him death threats on anon because he was mad at them for killing his friend. They started treating him the same way they treated me, and called him a horrible person but refused to give a reason as to why, and if I had stayed around they would've left him alone.

@should-be-dead (made a sideblog so I get notified when this is posted)

[genericpuff]

in reference to the have you read LO poll by god have I tried but god. God...

A vicious cycle. I go okay I really do need to plow through more of it if I'm gonna hang around the ULO reddit, and then I step on the comically placed rake. I can't do a complete skip thing bc I'll be too disorientated on where I'm at in the plot but my brain only tolerates it up until she declares she's missing her dick appointment and like, girl. Please. You committed mass murder (if not genocide) and this is a slap on the wrist considering, let alone that your moms got the worse end of the deal.

Why it's that specific moment idk but the bottom just drops out for me and it's soooo fucking stupid because like, she couldn't have just... bitched about being stuck with hard labor? That's the bitchy shit I'd sort of expect from a privileged nepo baby and even barring the twue wuv story going on it's her actual biggest issue going on right then. What she's presently living out. But yeah no, horny, we gotta establish that she's horny. Okay.

Sorry about the borderline vent over it there's just enough really interesting thoughts mixed up in the pile of flaming garbage to make one go rabid if they stew on it, and you clearly get that given the rewrite. Have a good day.

omg i've had that exact sort of thing happen with me before too tho, not in quite the exact same sense of like, "wanting to take part in a community but struggling to get through the source material it's based on", but there are like, so many webtoons and manga and stories I've tried to read - after being urged to by pals and people who read them - that I've dropped after multiple attempts of trying to read them. And they're not necessarily dumpster fires like LO (though some of them definitely aren't great) it's more like I'm sitting there wondering "when's this gonna get good? when's this gonna be worth all the hype?" Tower of God is the biggest one that comes to mind, I have tried to read that webtoon on SEVERAL occasions and I just can't justify trudging through all those early episodes for it to maybe "get good". And that's not even me saying it's bad, it's just not interesting to me in the slightest. No hate to anyone who likes ToG, I think I've also sorta drifted away from shonen over the years so that's definitely not helping, but I just can't be bothered to try and read that webtoon anymore, I've given it so many attempts and I'm doing lmao Kudos to the creator though because it's a LOT of work to make a webtoon of that length and they should be proud of that.

Back on the topic of LO though, yeah, I was following the comic when that episode was still brand new and it really made us all go 🤨 because of how out-of-pocket it was. And then like an episode (or two?) later she bullied a former classmate of hers from 10 years ago at his job. That was the precedent for Persephone's character that was set for the third season of LO and it's just gotten worse as it's gone on.

Either way, if I'm being honest, you're really not missing much by skipping over the majority of S3 (like, if you made it to the dick appointment episode before giving up then you're already pretty close to the current point in the story). Like I'm not gonna lie, you could easily skip up to the midseason cutoff point because everything leading up to that is just a bunch of nothing. Hades and Persephone get married and it's the most underwhelming scene ever despite it being the moment people had been waiting years for, also they 'adopt' Dionysus but he's barely in the comic except for when Rachel remembers he's a character so you could also get by on minimal details. Oh yeah, and it turns out Demeter had a kid during the 10 year time skip who we see in like two episodes and then proceeds to get fridged forever.

So yeah, as much as I'd recommend people read LO as a sort of "entry ticket" into the crit community surrounding it, S3 is a lot of nothing and you would frankly not miss out on a thing if you skimmed it or skipped the middle portion of it entirely lmao

[penandswords]

Update (General PSA)

So this is an update to THIS Post

(I realize that I haven't really updated on this... Or spoken about it.) I feel bad as there are people who have threads that are 2 months old! (that I owe) This will be the VERY Last update on this entire ordeal.

------------------

TLDR There was a loss in the family early in November, and It effected me more than I realized. (Which is why a lot of threads have gone un-answered.)

As for NOW, I am removing the Semi-Hiatus status. And will Slowly be returning to the longer, more serious threads.

The mass amount of crack threads these past few weeks have definitely helped bump me out of the bad headspace i've been in. (so thank you to those who have humored me)

---------------- A more In-depth update is under the Read-more. Tw: Mental Health Talk, Grief, Illness, Cancer, Death beyond this point.

(I RANTED in this and I am sorry. PLEASE don't suffer through this if you don't want to. It's also kind of a vent post.)

On November 8th, I had to say goodbye to my 11 year old Fur son. Why? What ended up being a bee-sting, turned into the world shattering diagnosis of him either having an Auto-Immune Disease, OR Some form of Cancer. Regardless of which one it was. It still meant that his time with me was coming to an end. The only difference the diagnosis would have made was the amount of time we had left. Unfortunately, it turned out to be an aggressive form of Lymphoma. I will not go into the details of what I went through waiting for us to get that answer. but I will tell you this. It happened in the blink of an eye. One Minute he was perfectly healthy and Happy. And then the next he wasn't. And I severely under-estimated how badly it was going to affect me.

---------------

I look at the Calendar, and still can't believe it's been 2 months. to Me it feels like it's been much longer than that.

I spent the first month staring blankly at a screen, trying to force myself back into old habits. Only to realize JUST how much his presence helped me relax enough to get into the right head space. On top of missing every bad habit My boy picked up during his 11 years of life. (Because let me tell you) Every annoying habit your pets have. Is THE first things you start to miss. I would TRADE anything. To have them again. ------------ After we got his ashes, that's what made all of it finally set in. And I tried my best to convince myself I was doing okay. That is unfortunately, the unhealthy habit I've formed from years of having Clinical Depression. Is to tell myself i'm fine. When in fact my brain is still processing.

I have to learn to sit down, and let myself feel what I need to in order to feel better.

I am fortunate enough to have a strong support system in RL. People who KNOW me and can read me enough to tell when i'm not 100%

-----------

So What now?

On New years, I took time to sit. And consider what I wanted this next chapter in my life to be.

Where I wanted to go, What I wanted to do.

I came to the conclusion that I DID want to pick up writing again. It is a hobby I honestly enjoy. But I realized my brain was not in a healthy enough headspace to handle Long Threads, Or serious stuff. and In order for me to GET back to the more serious stuff. I had to re-build the habit, and put attention towards getting my brain to settle again.

(Also I did try to sign up for some bigger threads with people... and It blew up in my face. so I am sorry for those affected by that. I'm KIND of stupid when my brain's dealing with the depression stuff. Please know IT was NOT any OF YOU. It was me. (cus i'm dumb and gaslight myself into thinking i'm fine.)

Part of rebuilding that habit was putting attention into small silly things. Sending asks, taking part in the community again. (Invading peoples DMs)

Things to help keep me social, and just GET into a better headspace than where I was.

And It worked. (so thank you to those who put up with me.)

This past week, I have been doing Much better physically and mentally than I have for the past 2.5 months.

And I actually feel like I'm ready to handle the bigger stuff. (and YES get my back log of drafts handled)

----------

But what I LEARNED from this whole ordeal. Is that I Have a very toxic relationship with myself, when my brain is mentally exhausted.

And that habit has seeped into the things I enjoy doing. Such as a good writing routine.

That needs to change. For a number of reasons. I am not 100% certain HOW I plan to change this habit just yet. I have some ideas to go off of, and a list of habits I know that have formed because it. But my goal this year is to build a HEALTHY writing routine. Instead of an unhealthy one.

Didn't even realize you COULD have an unhealthy relationship with a routine, BUT turns out you can.

--------

I am officially taking myself off of Hiatus. This week I finally feel like I'm in a strong enough head-space to handle bigger things. Even though I still have low moods, My good periods are MUCH more frequent than the low ones. And now that i have pin-pointed what my brain is doing. I'll have a better grasp on how to help myself. -----

I want to thank everyone that has humored me, taking a turn at making me laugh, or JUST being present while I sorted myself out.

And a formal apology to those who feel like I might have been ignoring them.

Also if you HAVE a thread you REALLY want to be continued, and are worried I MIGHT have lost it. (send me a link and I can double check)

If You've read this far. (WHY? Why do this to yourself?)

But again, Thank you to everyone that's stuck with me, and have been understanding.

[glittery-phantom]

TW: angry vent, lots of cussing, vivid details of SH, Mentions of Body dysmorphia, Mentions of purg3ing and b1ng1ng, unhinged thoughts, considerations of Self c@nnibal1sm(unacted), Thoughts of burning SH(unacted), Tw calories, Tw negative self talk, Tw personal vent, Hair pulling,

My stupid stomach makes me angry I just wanna cut the flesh off maybe if I shed enough skin I'll look sk1nn1er without even trying I've already made some attempts but it's just so stubborn if I really wanted to right now I could cut some pieces off and eat them later because it's not like it fucking matters I'm purg3ing anyways and no matter how many calories are in it I'll always be ugly and disgusting

Why am I even so angry right now? I don't know just can't believe I'm this much of a failure

It's like I'm drunk off of sheer rage

I've pulled out hair, Sl@shed my legs over and over trying to press and cvt so hard they blËed

St@bbed myself with the kn1fe, cvt at my stomach, Hit my legs and arm with the blade, Bit myself repeatedly trying to make my arm look worse because I'm not some fucking pvssy I can either do it right or not at all

My friend says I'm distressed I haven't even told him shit I don't know how he figures I'm "distressed" but it makes me so angry hearing him say that to me because I'm NOT distressed! I'm angry and part of the reason I'm mad is because of him!

But I'm not mad at him either because I know this isn't his fault he didn't do anything wrong he's been so sweet and has already gone through enough I don't want to hurt him which is why I haven't told him anything and no matter how many times he offers to let me vent I refuse to take him up on his offer because I know it'd be painful and triggering for him to hear what I've done to myself and how I feel it'd break his heart to know I was upset at him for something he has no control over when all he's ever tried to do is make me happy over and over

I try to censor myself I don't know why he thinks I'm so upset all I've done is distance and downplay even twisting the truth a little but I mean I didn't exactly deny I was having a bad day or anything I just didn't think he'd pick up that I was a little more than just a tiny bit upset

I don't wanna take my frustrations out on him he deserves it the least but I am livid for some reason I wish today never happened that this was all some terrible ED dream again and I can wake up later discovering I actually ate nothing

My progress over the course of 5 days was DESTORYED! and now where am I? Self h@rming in the bathroom getting mad at the world and my friend and myself and just about anything that even so much as looks at me wrong while trying to hvrt myself

Fuck everything nothing is worth shit I want to be freed from this stupid bathroom

May my arms hurt as much as my brain hurts me every single day

If somebody gave me a ligher right now I would actually hold it up to my bruised and scarred arm and burn the flesh maybe then my co-workers might believe whatever bullshit I feed them tomorrow when I go in for work assuming of course they even fucking care bet they wouldn't even ask honestly

I wish the hair strands I yank out were caused by malnutrition and not me trying to hvrt myself I deserve it either way fuck my body fuck everything and everybody I'm nothing but a box filled with rage waiting to blow up and spray venom at everybody who even so much as looks at me wrong today

[ikoarts]

October 2023 Art

for some reason i wrote a novel under the cut, for those of u actually reading, thank u for being so patient x

vvv dates + info under the cut vvv

1 - 03/10/2023 : another of my faves of last year, was trying to get better at drawing trainz, so just Edward and Toby hanging out, displaying the duality of old men x

2 - 04/10/2023 : got a new puter! one of the first things i set to doing after getting set up was to draw a Ru, of course, it was also just me trying to get used to the new MS paint..... it feels very odd

3, 4, 5 - 06/10/2023 : part 1 of redrawing random pics i have of Edward on my phone with my human version of him, this was really fun tbh, and the third here is one of my fave drawings of the year probs.. like sir.. those look heavy... what big uhh.. Glasses.. you have

6, 7, 8 - 07/10/2023 : part 2! i think i just like drawing his face... dare i say this train is cunty or will that get me exiled

9 - 08/10/2023 : something stupid i thought of and couldn't get out of my head for days so had to draw it..... little johnny from oingo boingo's only a lad, doing what he does best, fantasising about radios he wants oh so bad and running people down with a boyish craving for blood.. based on that 1 meme of the guy driving and thinking of a thing then making that insane face

10 - 09/10/2023 : based on that 1 silly vargskelethor song (that could not be less specific), had Shed 17 on the brain and was reminded of the milk song where the skeleton comes out.. thomarse dank 2 much milk and died..

11, 12 - 10/10/2023 : chooshada again :333 first a little doodle on my phone bc i was wondering about her livery, i do think she'd have originally been NER apple green but then painted NWR colours, butttt with a twist... coz i can do whatever i like... the twist is just that she's painted dark blue rather than a sky blue, coz its more her colour x

ALSO MS paint shada, wanted to draw her more uh, idk, detailed ig, idk i love this one, it also served as more train practice

13 - 13/10/2023 : previous one, but with COLOUR!! not much 2 say other than that shes very cute

14 - 18/10/2023 : saw a tweet abt old photos of engine crews posing with their crashed locos and how the NWR crews would do that, made me think of how, if Toni was (choo)shada's driver, she'd do that.. probably x .. very like her to slay in the midst of a terrible accident

15 - 22/10/2023 : predictably, i have some playlists for the ttte engines, one for Diesel which is notable here, so uhh, i have the scrapped song from the lorax "biggering" in there, bc i see it as like a Duck vs Diesel song, ik im surpassing several layers of cringe here but hear me out ok... i drew this at 2am coz i couldn't stop thinking of Duck lecturing Diesel

16, 17, 18 - 25/10/2023 : speaking of playlists, think i was listening to my Robin one here, and felt like drawing him, i have "the land of make believe" in there, which ive always found to be an oddly haunting song, so this is semi based on that, though that wouldn't be apparent if i hadn't just told u x .. this looks like vent art but tis not i was just having fun

also tiny chooshada, i was in the middle of writing something which i have literally Just remembered now and i was writing a scene where Ru is stuck between some characters who shes not looking forward to working with bc they're about to bicker the whole fuckin time and one of them thinks shes a dick, so i drew her being sad that shes forced to work with morons..... and speak of the devil, 3rd drawing is here with 2 of the aforementioned morons :D i think D+D take a liking to her, they're just a little obnoxious (love them for that)

19 - 27/10/2023 : a quick(ish) digital thing of Chooshada again that i did on the side of another project, more engine drawing practice he he, she'll be out of proportion and lacking detail but really it was just to not be too hard on myself about that, it did help i think to understand how to draw her more, plus just look at her lil face... also she has a number here, doesn't mean much other than 8 being her lucky number, other than 11, like those are just her numbers, suppose i could have it be 1188 to ref her bday, idfk x

[phebess]

Hello, loyal reader of your work here, I've been quiet for too long probably, considering how I eat up your carlando fics, too many thoughts and I'm shy, oops.

You sometimes invite to vent, so here I am, because of the last two chapters mostly. My brain of an artist just couldn't shut up at Carlos. If you like his art and you know he struggles financially, just commission him, commission him, commiss- argh. Commission him like Michelangelo was commissioned to do Sistine Chapel or whatever. And then there's story of my friend, that I can't stop thinking of while reading this, who dated a sex worker, and despite of not that high income as the certain character here, was ready to provide for their partner, so they wouldn't have to sell their body (said partner did not want to give it up though, so they broke up). Like!!! Commission him for stupid high price and you have a good excuse to make his life easier and maybe being able to drop sex work for survival thing! Like I get it, after the whole 'I pay you for the OF stuff' part, paying might feel icky, Lando's pride could make him refuse (he did not have this problem selling his ass to the other guy in ch 1 though and here it's about his supposedly dream work...), but- you already wanted to buy finished painting, so... goddamit, I'm getting too invested and solution oriented, adhd things ig, sorry for yelling 😅

And then there's the racing part, that I'm probably thinking too much about as well. That is for the past chapters, you made Carlos be Ferrari driver anyway, but if it's fanfiction, why not let imagination wander a bit more? Before his team affilation was mentioned and only that he's reigning wdc, I hoped that maybe in this fantasy reality he remained with RB (Merc taking Max in 2015 or 2017, so he was never in RB, CS eventually becoming their main guy after beating DR when it mattered or whatever - there's also this rally driver!Carlos thing that I can't stop thinking about, but that's waaay off topic). Not that it matters, it's just that I can't imagine Ferrari doing things right even in fanfiction, lol. I'm trying not to get too much into how you imagined Carlos getting that concussion with all the HANS, roll hops and halos, because I guess it's my problem being overly attached to details in story that is basically porn with plot and feelings, so bit of drama is a must have, especially considering how amazing your writing for that part is. I hope you don't think I'm taking away anything from where you're going with the story, just some of my own thoughts and your works give me a lot of those, in a positive way.

Okay, I think I vented all I wanted? There are some older fics of yours that I probably should have written similiar wall of text about, but that's it for now 😅

Hi anon! First, thanks for writing out your thoughts - second, happy to touch on some of these:

I totally understand the want for Carlos to commission Lando's work, and I think Carlos actually shares your exact frustration - he has the means to provide for Lando, it would be so easy. But like you said, it's a transaction-based power dynamic that neither of them want in their romantic relationship. He offered by buying the painting, in a way, and Lando's hesitance told him all he needed to know about whether he wanted his financial help.

In regards to Carlos' team, I actually never said he was a Ferrari driver! I didn't name his team at all in this fic – I didn't think it was important to the story, and allows the fic to be kind of timeless in a way.

For the concussion, there are loads of ways to get concussed, from whiplash to flying debris - the Halo's just make it more likely to be just a concussion and not d*ath. As you said, though, i'ts fiction and we love a bit of drama ;)

I try and make things as realistic as possible in my fics, bc glaring plot holes drive me up the wall - so I feel ya. I should have the next chapter posted soon, I hope you're enjoying it!

[youracecard]

Tw: vent, Sa

Lol. Yap sesh.

Im feeling. Not great again. These feeling are always at the top of my head, I haven't had a moment of peace in the past three weeks. I can't enjoy a time of hanging out with anyone or talking with anyone without thinking of it. So uh, just gonna.. yap here about it. Its hard to talk to any irls about it and i dont wanna annoy my discord pals w more yapping bout this topic

Silly anim becuz. I dont know. I needed to create something.

When i was younger, about 8 or 7 or. Or. Or. I dont remembwr any more. I cant fucking remember. I had a babysitter, his name was. Dumb to me, i guess. John or whatevwr. I only remembwr personal details like that because of his sister, she had the same name as the person who used to be my best friend so i got really easily attached. She was. The one who taught me how to shuffle a deck of cards lol

I remember John bringing me upstairs one day

Its all. Gone. I only remember a few things and i hate thqt. I need to remember, but i dont know how.

"Youre so beutiful!" "Do you have any friends at school?" eh.. not really, ahah.. "I can be your friend!"

"Do you know what sex is?"

"Do you want to try?"

"Its our secret"

"You cant tell your mom or dad."

God. Fuck. Oh my god. Why did i have to be so stupid? What in my stupid little dumb brain saif it would be a good idea?

I didnt know what sex was at thw time. After some years, my parwnts had "the talk" with me.

it all clicked.

i needed to tell them.

i HAD to.

But, i needed the right time.

So i waited,

And waited,

And waited,

I cant remembwr how much time had passed. But, i do remember the sinking feeling of my chest every day. Guilt was building. What if it was too late? What would happen if i told them?

One day, they were coming home

I told them i needed to talk to thwm.

And talk we did

I dont remember anything from that day to thw first day i went to the people who were supposed to help

I rememeber the yellow room, the oneway mirror they hid behind, i remember the little bag they gave me.I still have the pretty blue quilt in my bedroom, laying on my messy floor among a buncha papers.

I was so 'brave'. Apparently though, it wasnt enough.

I recently had a breakdown where i cried at a theater rehearsel, and my dad came to pick me up. He was so mad at me. I couldnt tell him qhat was wrong, i was still crying and my younger sibling was RIGHT thwre. Eventually, he told her to get in the car. Lucky me.

I told him why i had the 'breakdown', and he told me that. The guy was never arrested. Fun. Thats fun. My dad comforted me and made up a lie to tell my siblings, and we went to get some food to cheer me up.

It was. Scary. I feel so bad, I couldnt say enough and that man is still out there. Its my fault. I dont know how to fix myself and just let myself forget. I guess im just gonna be like this forevwr.

I can never experiance a happy moment without thinking about what happened.

[gctchell]

@xluciifer asked: 🤔 for all of your muses :]

FOR  EVERY   🤔  I’LL  POST  A  HEADCANON  ABOUT  OUR  MUSES.  ADD  A  +  FOR  A  SEXCANON. // 𝖆𝖈𝖈𝖊𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌

w/ 𝕷𝖎𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖍;

🎶 Calling from the shore to a distant star You've been drawn out, but you have not gone far I can see you still, glowing in the dark Hear my heart calling to you now, Calling for it's other part Come to me, come to me soon, Come to me like the tides to the moon 🎶

Depression is self-destructive and isolating, it's your brain boxing you in and closing you off from the entire world, numbing from what's good and what you love. You know this, you've written about Lucifer's depression before and how it has eroded his relationship with others. Lilith, however, remained constant and did not let it get in their way - she knew what was going on with her husband, and she made the effort to pull him out from where he shelves himself away with a song.

Her voice is her signature power. She has incredible influence in the emotional category - she can incite a rebellion, she can quell a mob, she can call to her husband who has sunken so deep inside of himself that he's almost hard to reach, so out of touch with reality he is distant in the eyes. Lilith's voice cuts through that, it swims through the murk and it latches onto him and pulls him, for the time being, into a lightened state of mind, that heaviness lifted by the melodic beams she sets in place. She is not a cure, but she is a remedy to break him from that deep mental fog, and an anchor to keep him in the moment and present. A lighthouse in the dark. He gets a pep back in his step for a time, alleviated.

It's difficult to balance a husband with depression, a child, and an entire Realm, so he is not always swimming in her song. But, when Lilith comes home and she realizes he has not moved from where she last left him, she sings.

It empowers him, as well. In such a desolate state, she is helping him lift and rise up from beneath the weight. She's helping him, for the time being, take back his life. She calls to him to come to her, offering him the rope to pull him up while he pulls himself along. There's so much power in being able to rise yourself with depression, you just need the help.

w/ 𝒩𝒾𝒻𝒻𝓉𝓎;

Niffty is a pest, plain and simple, and she is a persistent pest. Niffty and Lucifer do not know when it started (it was Lucifer, but he doesn't recall and frankly neither does she, it's vague and they don't care to bother with the small details like that), but they both just clicked in a 'I need to troll the absolute hell out of you' manner almost from the first moment they saw one another. Just the vibes they noticed from one another set them off and they've been at it ever since.

They're a weird amicable-rival situation. There's no actual bad blood between them, it's just impish energy pinging off one another and finding an outlet in just getting at the other in such stupid, petty ways. He trips her with his cane, she lunges out of vents in the floor to bite his ankle, he puts a spell on her to let him know when she's approaching, she doesn't know about it and maneuvers in her own way to avoid it, catching him by surprise when she comes flying out of a potted plant..

In the weirdest way, they could consider the other a friend. Nothing they'd admit out loud, but it's there in their heart of hearts. Matters help that Niffty is actually a very good ally to Charlie and fights by her side to help defend her dreams, so bonus points for being a friend of his baby.

w/ 𝔖𝔱𝔢𝔩𝔩𝔞;

They're both losers, baby, losers goddamn baby.

I mentioned it in one of our conversations, but I can see them building a bond off of being awkward at parenting. They love the hell out of their kids and want to do right by them, but they just keep stumbling. They first met during a particularly heavy winter storm that took over Pride, both wandering the park of the city as Stella had chosen to go ice skating (she thrives in the cold). Lucifer decided to join her, and they just sort of hit it off from there.

She respects the man because of course she does, she is royalty beneath him in the latter and her allegiance is sworn to him, and that helps matters. Cordial, but they get to a point of speaking quite openly to one another. They're such awkward personalities that meet at the right time in the right circumstances, and build from there.

He's also managed to fluster her once and he keeps that memory in his pocket. Who doesn't want to remember making a pretty bird blush?

w/ 𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓁𝒶 𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂𝒾𝓃𝑒;

If it were not for outside introduction, they could have spent the good portion of eternity not intermingling in the slightest. Carmilla sticks to her business and Lucifer sticks to his. However, now that they are aware of one another, Lucifer pokes around curiously in the holy weapons business and it's a little like a kid in a candy store. "What's that? Ooh, THAT'S got to hurt, huh? You really built this fucked up thing? That's terrrrrrrible, haha."

The curiosity is on a shallow level, intense intrigue before it begins to fizzle out, but he becomes more invested when she offers to do a commission for him. They sit down and figure out the sort of weapon he would want, and she goes to work making it.

He's the King, he can get anything made for him at any time - he has weapons made specific for the Morningstar lineage (see: Charlie's shield and pitchfork, I'm sure). However, this is going to be his first holy weapon, and that has him kind of excited.

[gillianthecat]

I'm just gonna vent about something that is not that big a deal and most likely won't be an actual problem, but for some reason my stupid brain is stuck on it. Hopefully complaining will let me move on.

So. Part 1) The good news. I figured out a weekly schedule that was going to be great! I have academic classes in the morning, then two evenings a week I would take dance classes - one dance conditioning to get strong again, a Jazz dance class, and a dance theater class which is Fosse based, so also Jazzy. The other two evenings there are lap swim hours, so I registered for the lap swim "class" so I could use the pool.

And it's perfect! I'm going to be hanging around campus anyway so I'm not stuck in rush hour traffic, so this way I can make sure to get exercise, in a structured way, and get back into dance which I've missed so much, and learn more jazz style, which I love but don't know well. There's time to do hw beforehand, so it will help keep me on track academically. I did my first swim yesterday so I know how the whole signing in and everything works and it's very doable. I was excited about this schedule!

The frustrating part: Apparently, this schedule puts me one unit over the maximum allowable. And I went to the academic advisor to say, look, these are dance classes and lap swim, these are not extra work, they help me do the work. But he wouldn't let me sign up for them all. And it's ridiculous that to use the pool I have to sign up for a "class." (I suspect it has something to do with how the school gets its funding, so I can't be mad at them, but I am mad at this rich city full of rich people and corporations for chronically underfunding the school. But that is another rant.)

So now I have to make decisions. And making decisions is so hard for me. I thought I was done! Hopefully the teachers would let me take the class even if k can't enroll officially, but which class? And do I ask or just keep showing up until they notice? And if I don't, which class do I drop? I want all of them! I guess it would be the Jazz class, because the theater dance seems like it will teach more detailed technique, whereas Jazz is more free form and fun, so the technique is useful. But I don't want to choose! And even if I can attend without registering, I liked the structure of being officially enrolled! And I want the teacher to get credit/paid for the class 😕 I could drop swimming, but I think that would be really good for me, plus it occupies another day of the week, and that one I definitely can't do without being registered. And I really need the dance conditioning to rebuild strength in a safe way.

It's so ridiculous. I get the reason for the credit unit limits, but they should not treat lap swim the same as an academic course in calculating that! And because I haven't completed a semester here they won't make and exception for me, regardless of the specific classes. Boo.

And it's not that big a deal if I can't take one of the classes—it barely affects my weekly schedule, I'm still getting plenty of exercise, I still get to dance. But managing my schedule, and finding a system that will keep me on track, always feels so precarious that the slightest setbacks feel huge.

Anyway, hopefully venting about it will allow me to move on. I think I'll talk to the teachers tonight to see what the options for taking one class without registering are, and then I can make an informed choice. Once it's set I'll probably feel more settled about it.

[project-sour-grapes]

Brain Dead Word Vomit

It seems like life is a contest about how little one can give a shit. It's not really, but having an "I don't care" attitude seems to be a shortcut to having people clamor for your attention.

I find that the less I participate in conversations and the more brain-dead that I sound, the more people like me. They listen more to what I have to say if there is little of it. They like my jokes the more two-dimensional they are. Even having worse grammar and punctuation seems to do me favors in a social sense. It leads to a kind of resentment of social situations and of people when they reward you for putting in less energy.

I totally get why it is this way though. It can be off-putting when a person cares too much. There was a social experiment, that I think I have linked here at least once, that showed that people who treat others exceptionally well and are attentive and giving are often voted out of social groups. This research was replicated and published at least 3 times under identical and slightly adjusted conditions to test whether the main members of the group just thought that the nice person was stupid or incompetent (which they didn't). The research pointed to the fact that the other members of the group saw the super-giving, nice person as a rule breaker and wanted them out. This isn't exactly related to what I'm saying, but it serves as an analogy or a proof-of-concept that being too good in some aspect can--rather than exalt you to a place of high praise--maybe get people to want to be around you less. In this case, the being "too good" is in caring about conversations, having something truly worthwhile to say, and being exceptionally thoughtful. These are things that I think have been socially punishable for me and why I think I've kind of become conversationally brain-dead over the past few years as I've been having more socially-based career experiences and socializing more in general. People definitely reward me for responding with a low-tier GIF instead of a thoughtful question. This is also perhaps due to the fact that people want to vent about issues in conversations rather than solve them, and a GIF helps stop the worries with humor whereas a real response merely makes them live with the stress more than is comfortable. In a way, responding with a brain-dead answer is just conversational opium. For real, I understand why people are this way. I don't always want people to dig into and analyze my life issues, and sometimes I push that shit away as well. But I feel like my brain is atrophying under this kind of reward system. Being detail-oriented is often socially bad. For example, remembering the birthday of an acquaintance can cause that acquaintance to be like "WTF?" despite the fact that remembering somebody's birthday is an objectively kind thing.

I feel like my writing and thinking have gotten more basic. I have found myself saying stupid, boomer jokes that I've heard firefighters repeat at the ER while giving a goonish grin like they were the ones who thought them up. No, your friend is not a teacher, who had a student, whose name was spelled "Shithead" but was actually pronounce "Shuh-THEED."

Taking a step back and reframing this, in what way am I contributing to this issue? If I think society is rewarding me for acting like some stupid, male brute, to what extent am I accepting that reward or feeling good about it? If there is a bell curve on which people exist in terms of general intelligence (though there are many flavors of intelligence and many axes of skill in life), then if nudging myself a few notches toward the center of the bell curve gets me more friends and makes me more generally appealing socially, then why am I complaining? I am consciously (or subconsciously) choosing this. In some way, my dumb brain says, "More friends equals good. Me like friends and Instagram likes." If I don't want this, then I might as well deal with the reality of being closer to the thin side of the bell curve. That's really what is happening. If a person is closer to the middle of any social bell curve, then there is more density (more people) at that part of the bell curve, and boom: they have more people to relate to and more chances to make friends. And they probably have higher self-esteem and confidence. When a person is closer to either end of the bell curve, they will naturally have less people who "get" them and vice versa, thus incentivizing a move towards the middle.

Maybe the answer is the ability to accept one's place on the bell curve and their role in life and to try to do that role as best as possible. That seems the most pro-social and the most humane for that person. One alternative is to apparently be where I'm at now, where I'm trying to socially meld to the majority and am upset at THEM for not being true to MYSELF, which they didn't really ask me to do. Society definitely rewards me for being like everybody else (the oldest complaint in the book for annoying pseudo-intellectuals like myself lmao), but there is no one person I can point fingers at and blame. That's not anywhere near the solution either. I'm thinking that the solution is just to be what I am, be the best version of whatever that is, and accept that society is not going to adapt to me, meaning that I will have less social opportunity and less friends. However, I can be a good leader for folks who are drawn to whatever I'm doing and how I'm being, and they don't have to buy if they don't want to. Confidence is knowing you're great, but arrogance is demanding that everybody else agrees.

Hopefully, this new mindset will help me shed the desire to tell mindless jokes and repeat falsehoods just to bolster a comfortable reality. There are enough folks that do that every day for that part of society to carry on with its happy self. They don't need my assistance. I think having quit that awful ER job will help me also. That was a year-long exercise in hating your fellow citizen. Total, cynical shitshow that should not have become normal.

[dollfaced-lunchboxx]

TW check dem tags bois it might be heavy and I am numb lol it's a hot ass mess

I need to rant or vent or something cos I've not got therapy for a few weeks and I need to get this shit out of my brain...

So a former friend is currently on a drug fuelled psychosis rampage...His parents have been informed after one of my close friends spoke to the police about getting him sectioned a few months ago (before he started getting violent) and they said if there's any chance he'll get sectioned it has to come from his family.......they won't do it, it honestly just feels like they're hoping his court date goes horribly and he either gets sent down or sectioned there so they don't have to deal with it. Which isn't til late November, which by then I fear might actually be way too late and he would have either seriously hurt someone else, or himself

But cos of this and all the details I've been told, I messaged my home town girlies that I have a group chat cos he was part of the friend group before we grew up and naturally drifted off from him. As a heads up to give him a wide berth if he contacts them cos I don't want any of them getting kidnapped/ held hostage or anything else.

This lead to us talking about hometown and how fucked some of the people we grew up with were...

...I found out after 17 years that 3 of the people in that group also got nonced on by the same guy I did (cue weird group bonding moment) but fortunately they didn't get locked in his flat and get his name carved in to them. I am genuinely glad they didn't have that brucey bonus chucked in, I'm also grateful that shit didn't scar cos holy shit it makes me sick to think of him now let alone if I had a physical reminder stuck to me.

Also now I'm looking back on it, can we talk about how fucking stupid it is that a 30somthing year old man (masquerading as a 22yo) carved his fucking name in to a 14/15yo...like bro you're committing a crime, manipulating, grooming, and shagging a child and you wanna put an identifying brand on them?????? Are you dizzy????? Are you dumb?????

But yea..shits wildddd. Tried to explain it to my husband and he just looked horrified ¯⁠\⁠(⁠◉⁠‿⁠◉⁠)⁠/⁠¯

[exospherethoughts]

There's way too much stuff in my head, I want to rip it all out and beat it to a pulp so I can breathe.

I'm remaking my résumé so it looks nicer and has all my updated info on it, but now I just feel pathetic. I've done so little, I have no publications, I have no real job experience, I don't actually know shit about physics, I'm slow and stupid, and my brain/body are too fucked up to handle a 9-5 job. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't think I can finish this degree (much less get a doctorate) and I don't know what I'm going to do once I'm out of university.

I wish I could talk to you, just to feel less alone and vent and get a (virtual) hug. But trying to be open and honest with you when you respond once or twice a week has really been messing with me. I know you're insistent that you do want me around, but idk, if I want someone around then I *want* to talk to them, so I tend to respond almost daily. Your excuse of not liking texting doesn't make any sense to me considering that you were happy to text back and forth for hours on end while you were still here. I hate texting too, so I lean towards calls for staying in touch over distance with people, but even that seems to be too much for you. So I'm sorry, but I'm struggling to believe you really want me in your life as more than just some acquaintance. And right now I cannot spare the energy to try and handle how awful that makes me feel, I'm too preoccupied trying to handle being around my parents 24/7, so it's easier to just stop talking to you. As much as I miss you, this way I can't end up saying anything I shouldn't. Besides, people like me better when I'm quiet. Quiet me is good me. Then I can't be a drag. I know I'm always too much. I know. Especially now with this almost two-month long depressive episode that's continuing to get worse, and the stuff with my parents, and the OCD, and my physical health problems, and the anorexia relapse, and how bad the cutting urges have been getting, and and and and. I'm really fucked up and I break everything and everyone I touch. Even the things that make me happy are too much, I get too excited about music, I care too much about twenty one pilots lore and music, I'm too invested in crosswords, I have too many stuffed animals, I really do love music too much, I care too much about certain books, it just goes on. My dad always tells me I need to learn to be more concise because nobody will want to listen to so many useless and irrelevant details, they'll just zone out and get bored. Quiet me is better me. Maybe if I'm quiet and stop talking about myself then I'll stop being such a nuisance. People will like being around me more. I don't think I know a single person who overshares more than I do. I hate myself so much for it. Time to disappear again? Just not physically this time, only mentally, and this time it'll be intentional instead of whatever the fuck happened for all of 2022/2023.

[my-digi-life]

I never used to journal digitally, but I decided this year I would try to do something a little different. So let me introduce myself and give you a little run down:

I’m Arley. I’m 24, soon to be 25. I like to read and write. I want to keep this journal as anonymous as possible so I won’t get into what I do for work specifically, but if I ever need to I will vent about my work (very much a possibility as I work with the public and the public does some stupid shit sometimes). Any other details I deem necessary will be shared as I think of them haha.

Let’s get into some really journaling now:

I’ve made it through another year and it feels a little crazy how different I feel. I started 2023 very depressed and overwhelmed. I was feeling extremely burned out in my undergrad program, but knew I just had to push through because I was due to graduate in May. I was crying every single night and to be honest, I was starting to feel how I felt in the months leading up to my pysch ward visit in 2019.

I’m happy to say I ended the year with 0 psych trips and a shiny new degree in English. I’ve also found a job I love. To be honest, it’s a little hard to reconcile who I was and how I felt in January 2023 with who I am now. I know people say your brain fully developes around the age of 25 and I truly believe my brain did a lot of cooking in the last few months. I find myself calmer and more rational. I’m able to cope with the hits as they come and I’ve settled into a since of acceptance with somethings that used to cause me a lot of distress.

Let’s talk a little bit about yearly goals. I’ve kind of grown away from New Year’s Resolutions since I was a teenager, but I’ve started making some actionable goals for myself. I wanna start by reviewing my 2023 goals and then I will present my 2024 goals.

For 2023, I wanted to:

Prioritize mental health and healing from burnout

I did this! I’ve been taking my therapy more seriously and have been talking through my feelings with my friends and family instead of suffering in silence. I took two months off between school and the start of my first job and spent that time doing things that made me feel so fulfilled. Honestly, just getting out of school made me feel 100 times better. I remember I graduated and one of my besties, we’ll call them Rena, looked at me and said “you’re glowing now that you don’t have class anymore”. It kind of shocked me how right they were and just how miserable I was grinding that way for years.

2. Learn to love writing again

The actionable part of this was simply to start writing again. I actually added over 7k words to my manuscript! However, this has kind of gone to wayside since I started working, just because I don’t have the time anymore. I’m hoping in the following year though to learn to juggle my schedule better so I can do the things I love.

3. Take more photos & videos

This was a goal because I am a deeply sentimental person and I love looking back through photos. I actually did this and I’m so happy I did because I did so much fun shit this year and I never want to forget it.

4. Read 5 nonfiction books

NOPE! I read 1. I was fighting some real demons to get to my reading goal this year, so let’s just be thankful I read anything haha

5. Read more meaningfully

This goal basically just meant to be a little more thoughtful of the books I picked up instead of reading just to hit a goal. I definitely did this and my average rating really reflected it. I picked up a lot more books I ended up loving because I was actually thinking about them instead of just doing it as a means to an end.

6. Journal once a week

……….. No comment……

Okay! Time for 2024 goals! (A lot of these are more health focused)

Stop eating out on your lunch breaks!

I only work 2-3 long shift a week, but I’ve been eating out for every single one. Not is it only a strain on my wallet, but I’ve gained weight and I just don’t feel as good. I don’t want to make any goals directly related to my weight because those tend to go awry for me (ED girly here), instead I want to make goals that prioritize general health and feeling good.

2. Go to the gym at least 2 times a week.

I’m starting with just 2 days because I fear if I make it higher, I’m going to be setting myself up for failure. I pass this gym on my way to and from work so I think it’ll be easier to convince myself to go than it used to be. I’m gunna try working out after my shifts since it’s open 24/7, but if I need to, I’ll switch it to before my shift.

3. Read 60 books

I set a reading goal every year, even if I don’t put it in my written yearly goals. My goal in 2023 was 40 and I read 63. My goal for 2022 was 52 and I ended up reading 109, so I’m not too concerned about hitting this goal.

4. Watch more movies this year

Another goal I had in 2023 that I just didn’t write down. I don’t really watch movies instead I usually just watch brain rot TV shows that require 0 attention. However, I had a good time in 2023 looking for movies to watch. I also got to watch some that had been on my list for years! I actually got really into the whole Saw franchise and I have 0 regrets. Even developed a new hyperfixation with the Scream franchise (fuck SpyGlass Entertainment and fuck Scream VII tho).

5. More trips with friends!

My friend, Alyssa, has a goal to take more day trips in 2024. Day trips, vacations, or whatever, I just want to make more memories with the people I truly love!

That’s it for now! I’ll see you when I see you.

Hum and kiss from your friend,