#not even including hobbies! or getting therapy! or anything to keep my mental health in check! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

olderthannetfic · 2 years ago

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Alright I got kinda a bananas questions for you, but how much time do you think should be divided up between work, hobbies and people. Actually wait more specifically what do you think is a good goal to just sit down and do work, but like actually doing work. Like sitting down for 90 minutes and finishing something not working on said thing for 5 hours then finish it. Over the past couple years I kinda erm, just sorta stopped? My mental health has steadily going to shit and covid fucked that all to hell and I was spending so much time in what was essentially a state of panic(didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s essentially what was happening) that I was too exhausted to do anything and just kind of stopped. I didn’t realize it the time but now that I’m finally getting better Ive noticed how little I was doing and how doing little really negatively effects me. Its become a good marker for me to check that I’ve been actually painting, seeing friends, going for a swim but sometimes it still all goes belly up and I’m trying to figure out what is a good goal.(and whats a good marker for when fucking up) Like a realistic long term goal I can strive for and keep track of. I could real easily just say “go for a swim everyday” but that feels unrealistic. In fact I put exercise in same spot as painting so it would be more like “do hobby for an hour a day” but even that feels like a lot. The thought of that feels exhausting so at least for me it should probs be do hobby thing at least 5 times week. Big goal is to swim 3 times and paint twice or vice a versa. its just hard to do that and then I’ll feel like crap and then notice that I haven’t exercised at all for 8 days and I just don’t move around enough to do that. I’m like a dog or walking house plant that needs to go outside and move around for sunshine and blood flow otherwise I start to physically and mentally feel awful. Its just hard to notice you know? Ugh its annoying because there’s so much shit. Its not just that I need some kinda exercise I also need to do some kinda hobby thing for me and other shit that I like to do. And that isn’t even including the work I need to do. I wasn’t even working before I cannot express enough how much of “doing nothing” I was doing. I’m doing better know with meds and therapy and what not and it is helping but I’ll still get home at 7 and just look at my phone and do some combo of read fanfictin/ play sudoko till I get tired and fall asleep. Then I wake up and shocking, I’m still on bullshit. Sometimes its feels to much to shower (at least with that one I know that I can get away with one at most 2 days with out shower so if I didn’t shower the day before I can mostly just force myself into the shower) that’s what I’m trying to figure out for everything else so I can look at my self force my self to stop looking at phone and paint a shitty flower or something. I was doing pretty good but The other week I house sitter for a friend and was immediately back on bullshit. I barely left her apartment the entire time I was there I’m sure that if I actually went to class, got exercise, painted (I brought all my paints then did fuck all) I would have been able to get more work done. I think Im only actually productive when I’m actually getting up and doing crap. I’m in a contact state of “working” and doing nothing but time is moving forward. I have no idea what this anon is. Ugh whatever I’ll submit it anyway

TL;DR trying to be better at actually do stuff and not doing fuck all. Any idea on what’s a good goal to strive for and what’s a good marker for shits getting fuck go for a walk

Social time is going to be extremely variable. I'm an extrovert and thus lots of social time is no problem. I also do okay not seeing people though as long as I'm busy.

Exercise should be prioritized above most other things, much as I hate this. You should be doing something basically every day. I agree that swimming is likely not realistic on that schedule, but maybe a walk around the block? It sucks, but forcing yourself to get off your ass every day will help with the rest of it. Also, exercise that takes you out of the house, even if only briefly, requires that you put on clothes, which is also helpful.

Get off of social media. If you're having trouble managing things, now is the time to take a break from anything that involves doom scrolling and time just disappearing.

(I say from my bed where I'm wearing the dirty sweatshirt I slept in and no pants while answering asks instead of working on my next novel. Hmm...)

It's obviously important to you to prioritize painting, but I see the difficulty there: you have to get set up and clean up afterwards, and you can't leave paints sitting around or they dry out. I'd try to schedule one longer session per week for now. If you have something else like sketching, you can schedule more frequent shorter sessions because that's easier to pick up and put down without a lot of prep/cleanup.

I do find little morning rituals like making tea helpful. They pry me out of bed and add some structure to my day.

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cmasociety · 1 year ago

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Surviving and Thriving: CMAS’s Top 5 Tips for the School Year

Whether you’re a first year, fourth year, someone who has lost count, or someone who still walks aimlessly around BSB looking for their classroom. The school year is always a daunting one– especially with midterm season creeping up on us. Our goal at CMAS is to be there for everyone. That’s why for our very first blog post, we have created our Top 5 Tips for the School Year so that we can all survive and thrive!

Get to know your authors:

Anastasia Arps (Social Media & Web Copywriter)

Hey friends! I am a fourth year Honours Communication Studies student, I enjoy cycling and writing horror stories!

Jacqueline Pham (Communications Officer)

Hi everyone, so happy you are here! I am a fourth year Communication Studies student here at Mac, some of my favourite hobbies include embroidery and baking!

The Basics

Embarking on the student journey is an exciting yet demanding phase of life. To navigate its various challenges successfully, building a solid foundation for self-care is absolutely vital. Here are the 3 non-negotiable aspects that’ll help you power through even the toughest of times:

Proper nutrition - Maintaining a healthy diet doesn't have to be an intimidating task; it can be surprisingly simple! Incorporating essential nutrients into your routine, like kick starting your day with a nutritious smoothie jam-packed with greens and goodness, is a great way to get those vitamins in. However, when time is tight, supplements can be a lifesaver, especially during those dark winter months when we need that extra boost of vitamin D.

Regular physical activity - Staying active doesn't mean spending hours at the gym. It's all about finding enjoyable ways to keep your body moving, even in the midst of a busy academic season. Take a stroll around campus to get your steps in or opt for biking along the scenic trails in Hamilton. Studies have consistently shown that even simple activities like walking can significantly contribute to overall health and well-being.

Engaging in feel-good personal activities - Amidst the academic hustle, don't forget to indulge in activities that bring you joy! Whether it's playing your favourite video games, a bit of retail therapy, savouring a meal at your favourite restaurant, or experimenting with cooking. Integrating hobbies and entertainment into your routine is essential for a well-rounded and fulfilling lifestyle.

2. McMaster Resources

Struggling with student life? Need support academically? Mentally? In my four years at McMaster, the one thing I wish I utilized more was the amazing resources that McMaster has to offer. I know you probably see these resources posted all the time around Mac but I highly suggest you take advantage of the resources that will best support you! Some upcoming programs include:

ACT on Anxiety

DBT: Interpersonal Effectiveness

Managing Your Worry and Anxiety

Mend Your Mood

SWC offers FREE Fruit Fridays ! A great way to sneak in those extra vitamins.

The Student Wellness Centre also offers additional programs and advice columns relating to personal finances, relationships, and cooking. Visit the McMaster Wellness Centre website to register for these programs.

3. Keep Organized

Assignments, tests, quizzes, essays, oh my! When midterm season rolls around, if you find that you struggle with keeping mental tabs of what and when something is due, look towards organization tools to help out. There are lots of different ways to stay on track with due dates so don’t worry, we’re here to help. Here are a few organizational suggestions to never miss a due date ever again:

Notion - An application that allows you to create your own personal webpage where you can input anything ranging from links to course readings or calendars with assignment due dates. Check out this YouTube video that links you to aesthetic templates and how to utilize Notion!

Phone Calendar - For the minimalistic approach, simply input when a specific assignment is due and set an alert for a set amount of time. This alert will go off, reminding you that this assignment is due soon and you should start working on it!

Daily/Weekly/Monthly To Do Lists - Having one or all three will keep you on your feet and ahead of those pesky due dates. Look at stationery stores that may have specific to-do list calendars in stock or print out a free version of one you like and decorate it yourself.

Affirmation Board - A cute board or reminder that keeps you motivated will encourage productivity and promote being nice to yourself during stressful times.

4. Connect with your Faculty

Introducing yourself and getting to know your professors, Teaching Assistants, and fellow classmates is a great way to develop a sense of community and open new doors. While it may seem nerve-wracking, developing a professional relationship with faculty and friends in your programs will help you in the long run– or at the very least, the entirety of the course. Additionally, when you head into a new class– whether it be next semester or next school year– and you’re able to recognize someone’s friendly face, it will always ease your nerves because you have an already established relationship with that individual.

5. Attend CMAS Events

Come out to our CMAS events! At CMAS, we love to encourage those in Communications, Media Arts, or Humanities to come out, socialise, and create bonds with your fellow Hum students (not to mention the awesome CMAS team that will be there to support you!). This is a great opportunity to meet new people, strengthen friendships, and develop connections. Keep an eye on our Instagram (@cmasmcmaster) for upcoming events! We have an event coming up in late October and we hope that we’ll see lots of you there as a way to decompress after midterms.

A huge thank you for reading through our very first blog post! We hope you stay tuned for more exciting and insightful content! Check us out on Instagram for future events / updates and TikTok for your late night scrolls.

Until next time, Anastasia & Jacqueline

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scripttorture · 4 years ago

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I'm trying to write a character who gets depression/anxiety after a few days of torture, but I'm worried that from an outside perspective the tiredness, lack of interest, and hyper vigilance are going to look like the character has been beaten down into meekness/compliance by the torture. Any advice on how to avoid the trope that this character was broken by their expeience when most days they're too tired to argue about anything and are slowly checking out of life due to the depression?

That’s a really good question. I think the best thing to do is combine several different approaches rather then relying on one particular thing.

My first piece of advice holds true for writing any kind of minority experience. If you think you could be suggesting that an entire group has a particular feature/characteristic include another character from the same group who doesn’t. The more characters you have who are torture survivors the easier it is to show that they’re a diverse bunch with different symptoms and experiences.

They don’t need to be major characters. They don’t need to be in the story for very long. But having them there makes a big difference.

This is a lot easier if you’re talking about legally defined torture in a prison of some kind. But if that’s not the kind of story you’re telling consider bringing other survivors in during the character’s recovery. They could meet people while waiting to see the same doctor or mental health professional. They might be advised to join a group, either for group therapy or communal support. They might meet people while looking for financial support or jobs. If they’re religious they might be introduced to people through their priest or broader religious community.

The next thing worth thinking about is: what can your character practically do?

We have this tendency to conflate resistance with big, obvious, violent acts. Most of the time torture victims are not in a position to do that kind of thing. And in situations where people are held for a very long time (ie slavery, prisoner of war camps etc) what you tend to see are a lot of smaller or less obvious acts. Enslaved people did oppose slavery violently, with organised military action and with smaller acts of violence like poisoning slave owners.

But they also did a host of other things. They sabotaged equipment or products they were supposed to produce. They broke valuable objects. They provided each other with material support and aid. They escaped and set up separate societies. They channelled resources into these societies. They aided others in escape attempts.

It’s always worth thinking about what your character can actually practically do and what the risks or consequences of those actions might be.

I talk about that in a post over here. Characters can take meaningful action even when they can’t take effective action. It’s worth taking the time to think about what would be meaningful to this character and figure out ways to show them prioritising it.

It’s also worth considering what depression and anxiety can look like because yes, the features you describe are common in people with depression and anxiety. But they’re not necessarily constant and they’re not the only ways these conditions manifest.

Depression can look like sleeping all the time. It can also look like not sleeping and a lack of sleep feeds into anxiety. Insomnia also causes paranoia after a while, makes it harder to interpret other people’s responses and can increase the risk of violent behaviour.

Similarly depression can look like eating a lot, but it can also look like nausea, like being unable to eat full meals and struggling to keep food down. From the outside anxiety can be read as fear but it can also be read as aggression.

It wouldn’t be unrealistic for this character to be more depressed at times and more anxious at others. It wouldn’t be unrealistic for them to be incredibly sleep deprived, paranoid and less able to see the risk in something like… spitting on a guard some days even if they’re generally incredibly tired, lethargic and apathetic.

Basically even if this is the predominant way depression and anxiety manifest in this character there’s still leeway. There’s still moments when you can have them go against that. Even if it isn’t very often.

The choice to use an outside perspective does make things harder. Especially if that perspective is a character who believes these kinds of tropes and has a poor understanding of mental health. One way to get around this is to have the point of view character’s perspective change with time and have them come to (and lead the audience to) the conclusion that they were wrong.

But the character doesn’t need to reach that realisation if you work in enough signals to the reader that they’re unreliable. One way to do that is to contrast what the point of view character thinks with what the survivor character actually says and does.

Let’s say the point of view character is having a conversation with another person who isn’t a survivor and they present the survivor as this sad case, broken by what they experienced because of a specific behaviour. Like sleeping a lot or being listless or not engaging with things in the way they used to.

On it’s own that scene could easily back up these tropes (though it’s not an unrealistic scene because these tropes are commonly believed.) So let’s imagine the scene with the survivor’s response.

They could respond that they sleep a lot because they have chronic pain or because their depression makes it hard to eat properly which leaves them exhausted. Physical symptoms like that are often easier for people to understand and it underlines the point that this is illness not some state where they’re permanently incapable. They can also respond with the steps they’re taking to try and make their life better. For chronic pain in torture survivors that can mean medication or physiotherapy. Perhaps they’re working on changing their diet or the schedule they eat at and sleep at, to work around these physical limits.

You can apply the same kind of logic to the other points here, talk about why depression makes the character listless or stops them engaging and what they’re doing now. The aids that help them focus, how therapy is going, the new hobbies they’re exploring instead (perhaps because old ones contain triggers.)

It’s harder to apply the same thing if the character is still imprisoned and still being tortured. But you can still do it. May be the dreams and plans the victim character had before seem meaningless now, but there will still be things they want to do and there will still be things they find meaning in.

May be they don’t think they can be a Nobel prize winning doctor any more and may be to an outside perspective that looks like ‘broken’. But it’s harder for the audience to agree with that conclusion if the victim character is saying ‘My priorities are different now. I regret spending so much time working and I miss my family. If I get out I want to make them my focus instead of work.’

A self aware character might be able to say ‘I don’t think I could achieve that dream anymore. But I think I could achieve this instead.’

You can have other characters, doctors, psychologists or anyone who has worked with survivors for a long period, refute the idea these people are broken. Hurt, yes, but that doesn’t mean they’re incapable of living or of living well.

If the perspective is more of an omnipresent narrator you’ve got more scope to show little acts of resistance the character might be engaging in. You’ve also got more scope to just straight up tell the readers what’s going on in this character’s head.

It’s worth stressing that characters like this do still have and make choices. They are choices in incredibly awful situations and they are not free choices. But that capacity to choose is still there. And there are understandable, though not always rational, thought processes behind those choices.

Depression doesn’t always mean checking out of life. I’ve known a fair number of people with depression who kept going with things they considered important. They just also… got no enjoyment out of it. They were miserable and in pain. But they were still trying to do the best they could for their kids or finish their degree. These efforts weren’t always successful. Depression makes most things more difficult.

But a character willing to give up on themselves isn’t necessarily willing to give up on other things.

At the end of the day the symptoms you choose for your character and how those symptoms manifest isn’t the problem. There’s nothing wrong with picking the symptoms that are right for your character and there’s nothing wrong with writing them in this way.

The problem comes when we start telling people that there’s no hope, that nothing gets better. It comes when we imply that natural, physiological reactions to trauma are somehow the fault of the victim or that those reactions mean they are forever controlled by their abuser.

Torture is an awful, effecting and life changing experience. It leaves lasting wounds.

But humans are incredibly resilient, stubborn creatures. Our capacity for survival, to find ways to live well, is astounding.

There’s room for optimism here and it’s worth making space for that in your story.

I hope that helps :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

#writing advice #tw torture #writing survivors #writing victims #writing symptoms #writing recovery #depression #anxiety #torture survivors are not broken #ways victims resist #mental health #mental illness in fiction

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emakenz · 3 years ago

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SELF INDULGENT HANNIBAL X READER FANFICTION PROMPT

I do not know what this is, if it is a drabble or a prompt or short story, I have no clue. Just thoughts in my head. Storylines that are realistic within the canon of the show. I say self indulgent because it's sort of a self insert of myself, but whatever, I dunno. It's almost 7 AM. I would actually write this as a story or drabble or whatever but I don't have the drive, if I have a thought I gotta write it down right then or it disappears. If I wrote fanfics, they wouldn't make sense because my mind wanders so fucking much. I might still do this someday, I dunno, but if anyone wants a crack at it, be my guest. I encourage it, as I'd love to read this as an actual story rather than... what it is. But if you write it, ya gotta make sure you include the big details I write down. The small details like, the whole Jack thing, that's not too important unless you want to keep it for showing character and/or character development. And ya gotta credit and tag me because I'd love to read it, as it is my brain's own little bundle of ideas. Holy shit I'm writing so much here goddamn. Anyway.

. . .

Hannibal is reader's friend and he has an interest in reader. Reader is an artist, they work as a forensic artist for the bureau. They do what the usual forensic artist does, but they also like to draw the crime scenes. They have a fascination with recreating the work of a suspect, it can help them connect dots and understand the suspect's intentions and ideals of commiting the scene of the crime. Reader is kind of like Will, in a sense, as they are on the spectrum but, unlike Will, they are unaware of it. They are an empath, they view everything from different perspectives and try to understand each side, like Will. But you see, Will only looks into the suspects' minds, but reader looks into the suspects, the victims, and even the witnesses' views. Hannibal finds their insight to be valuable (for his own "hobbies", in his career, and just plain interest, of course).

Reader has trouble with Jack yelling at them for "talking back," though in reader's mind they didn't realize what they said could be considered rude, and this happens more often than not. They can't handle loud noises, and Jack's booming voice messes them up. They tend to avoid Jack because of this, as they usually have an internal meltdown and shut off when he blows up.

An example; reader was explaining how the victim of the killer in a specific scene wasn't really the victim, but that they were the actual killer. Will disagreed, as he views the suspected killer to be the actual killer. Because of Will's insistence that reader was wrong, Jack shut reader off mid sentence by interrupting their defense. Jack trusts Will's insight more than reader's because he's known him longer and Will's always been right, so far, and he didn't want to risk messing up. He didn't want to get the investigation incorrect so he didn't take the chance of listening to reader rather than Will.

(In this scenario, the killer is the victim in the scene, and the person that killed them was the killer's intended victim, but the victim they intended to kill was a serial killer as well -- the victim pulled the ol switcheroo on em. So both Will and reader are right. If this doesn't make sense, please let me know, I will try to elaborate more on this if you're actually interested.)

Jack and reader don't have a bad relationship or anything, it's just a lot of miscommunications and underlying issues (like the reader having undiagnosed autism, not being aware that they're socially impaired can, well, impair their work and relationships. Such as here.) Nobody really notices the odd behavior from reader, as Will is like that too, so they don't question it. They all assume it's already understood that reader is autistic.

Reader isn't like Will when it comes to being social, as they are more reserved (as odd as that is, MORE reserved than Will Graham himself?? It's more likely than you'd think.) and don't fidget around with stuff around them. They don't nose around, they keep to themselves, closed off from everyone and everything. Will likes to roam around Dr. Lecter's office and tinker with stuff in the room, but reader is too anxious and shy to do such. Reader hates it when people come into their space (like their room, even their property in general) and they especially don't like it when people nose around in their stuff. It feels rude to them, so they don't do it to others. They don't consider Will to be rude because he does it though, they only consider it rude when a person comes into their space and does it, as reader would make it clear that they don't feel comfortable with people doing such. They wouldn't want a person unknowingly seem rude to them, they would inform them beforehand, but if the person still does it, then that's rude to reader. Call it being territorial, reader is just cautious about their property.

If reader is in a conversation, and being asked questions about themself, they usually just give short and simple answers. They don't like to talk about theirself. And they especially don't like letting people know them well. They are very cautious about relationships. They don't want to get hurt. They have a major rejection sensitivity disorder. They hate that about themself.

It's not that reader is cut off from the world and dismissive of others, they do like to talk and joke around occasionally. They're sarcastic yet literal, depending on the topic of conversation. They just don't give more input than they believe necessary. They're more of a listener (by that I mean they space out when a person is excessively talking to them. They can only handle so much.).

Hannibal notices reader's quiet, timid behavior and wants them to find some release, therefore he engages in conversations with them, though it is hard for them to keep the conversation going, he still pushes. He wants them to let loose, to trust him, so he can bond with them. He is aware of reader's autism, but he will only bring it up when he deems it's important. He knows everyone else knows and that reader doesn't, but he wants to see if reader would eventually figure it out on their own (they don't, he brings it up to them eventually). He's also aware that reader has anxiety and ADHD, with the occasional depression and mood swings. Reader is somewhat self aware of those parts of themself though, it's not a big deal. Reader doesn't really care about their mental health until Hannibal comes in and becomes Dr. Lecter to reader. They're not actually his patient but he will treat them as such when he feels they need a therapy session. Reader doesn't like the idea of therapy at all, not for them. Hannibal has to be discreet when getting them to open up. It works sometimes. Other times, reader just changes the subject to avoid the topic of theirself. While Hannibal does still have an interest in Will, reader is more of a craving for Hannibal's appetite. Hannibal sees reader as a rare delicacy that suits his taste, but he never gets enough, and he always wants more. Will can satisfy him in his interest, but reader doesn't give in to him like Will does. Reader is more hesitant, even when they are comfortable. Eye contact never ceases making reader uneasy, they can't hold it more than a few seconds, though Will can hold it as time goes on, reader can't. Will and reader's relationship is close, as reader relates to Will a lot, and vice versa. They connect. Reader likes to help with the dogs and assist in fixing motors and even go fishing with him. They're pretty much best friends. They're more open with Will than anybody else, as much as Hannibal envies Will for that, he also likes to learn about reader from Will. Since reader doesn't really open up to Hannibal willingly and knowingly, he uses Will for information. Will gives him what he wants, it's not a secret that they talk about reader often, it's just that reader doesn't engage in their talks so they make do. Whether Will has a crush on reader is a mystery, reader is unaware and Hannibal wouldn't allow it if he did. Will knows that Hannibal likes reader, he knows that if he had a crush, it's more than likely going to hurt him more than anything. Hannibal often attempts to get reader's attention in different ways, but reader never understands the message is for them. Will knows he can't be honest with reader as he's afraid that reader would feel uncomfortable around him if he did. He doesn't let himself crave reader after seeing Hannibal attempt to ease his own cravings for them, and seeing how that panned out, he knows he doesn't have a chance with reader if Hannibal of all people doesn't. Reader doesn't really... understand romance. They are capable of feeling romantic, but they don't know how to identify their feelings, so emotions are never clear for them. They feel everything but they don't understand anything.

Hannibal does get reader to give in but it takes a lot of time and effort to pry them open. Once reader is bare, they become insecure and vulnerable. They panic and get scared, and shutdown. Hannibal is a therapist and he knows how to handle this, though, and helps reader. He becomes their guide. Reader thrives off of independence but Hannibal slowly takes their need of independence away, having reader rely on him more and more. It makes him feel powerful. His cravings are nourished at this point in time, he's more addicted than ever, and reader is the center of his world. I guess you could say Hannibal is yandere-esque, not my intention but that's the vibes I'm getting from this. He's overprotective and possessive of reader once he has them under his wing.

What attracts Hannibal to reader is the same reason he's interested in Will. He enjoys having someone clever enough to understand him, to climb over his tall walls. Reader doesn't mean to do this, reader just sees him, and unlike Will, accepts him immediately. Reader never disliked Hannibal, reader's just cautious, as I've stated time and time again. Something about reader's mix of strong empathy but lack of understanding compels Hannibal. Reader sees and infers well enough (guessing close enough to what others think) but they can't really grasp it and latch onto it for theirself. They can't understand the feelings, but they can guess on them, and they can sure as hell feel em. They have trouble explaining stuff to others, and they try to always compare something to something else. They see something as a different thing than what others see. (An example, reader sees the shape and color and texture of a giant hotpocket in the ground, while others see a patch of dirt where grass hasn't grown) (I don't mean they literally see a hot pocket but they make the connection that it looks like a hot pocket) (that example is specific, as it is personal experience LMFAO)

This being said, they can be wrong a lot of the time when they try to infer a killer's intentions, as they sometimes just can't see the intentions being anything else than what they see. They have to rely on others for reference, to mimic their thinking patterns and then make a final guess at the killer's intentions. That's why Will and them connect so easily, as Will usually thinks straight AND helps reader figure it out in their own view. They help the team with investigations for other perspectives while Will helps with the "finalized" guess on the case. If this doesn't make sense, I can give another example, as I don't really know how else to word this. I doubt anyone will actually read any of this and I'm fine with that, I'm just rambling about my ideas. I swear to god though, if someone takes this idea without credit (in general, like the big picture of it) I will cry so so hard you will drown in my tears. Deadass.

Enjoy my rambles ig :)

#safe keeping #fanfiction #hopefully ill remember that

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bettsfic · 4 years ago

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how i got an agent, or: my writing timeline

when i started writing, i had no idea how publishing worked and i had a lot of misconceptions about it. but i just signed my first literary agent so i thought i’d share what my experience has been getting to this point, in case it helps anyone else with their own publication goals. i’m also including financial details, like submission fees and income, because “i could never afford to pursue writing as a career” is something that kept me from taking the idea seriously.

for context, i write mostly literary fiction and i’m on the academic/scholarly writing path. this process looks a lot different for other genres.

i didn’t write this in my pretty nonfiction narrative voice; it’s really just the bare-bones facts of how it went down, how long it took, how many words i wrote (both fanfiction and original fiction), and how much it all cost.

background

2002 - 2005: read a fuckton of books, wrote some fiction, wanted to be a writer but knew it would never happen, journaled every moment of my life in intimate detail

2006: started working full-time (at a chinese restaurant) while still in high school, also started taking courses for college credit; no time to write, and forgot i had ever wanted to be a writer

2007: graduated high school, started college (psych major), still worked at the restaurant, moved out of my parents’ house into an apartment with my boyfriend; my dad got diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer

2008: continued college full-time, quit the restaurant and started part-time as a bank teller, broke up with bf and moved in with a friend at an apartment where the rent was obscenely high; had to pick up a second job altering bridal gowns

2009: continued college full-time, started dating someone else, moved in with him, had to support him, took a third job as an admin assistant

2010: continued college full-time, still had 3 jobs; my dad’s cancer became terminal

2011: my dad passed away; i graduated college with a 3.9 and $31k of debt; quit 2 of 3 jobs; got promoted at the bank; my bf cheated on me and we broke up; moved back in with my mom

2012: a very dark time; also, bought a house (because where i’m from, it’s cheaper to buy than rent)

2013: discovered fandom

2014, age 24

this is the year i started writing and posting fanfic. prior to that i was a compulsive journaler but had no drive or desire to become a writer, despite how much i had written when i was a teenager. it seemed like a very childish dream. at this point i assumed writing was just a phase like all my other hobbies i’d picked up and set down.

but fandom proved to be really healthy for me, and i made some good friends who encouraged my writing and made me want to be better at it. i was really not very good at writing. i don’t think i had any natural creative talent whatsoever, or even a particularly vivid imagination. the only thing i had going for me was the ability to put thoughts into words after a decade of obsessive journaling.

i started writing in spring, and by the end of the year my total word count was 311k. i was making a decent income at the bank, insofar as my bills were covered and i had health insurance. i still had a significant amount of credit card debt from college that i was trying to pay down, and which was eating up all my extra income.

2015, age 25

i continued writing through 2015 and went to visit @aeriallon, whom i’d met in fandom and who told me i should consider applying to MFAs. i was miserable at the bank and knew i wanted to go back to school, but i didn’t think there was a chance in hell a grad program would accept me, since my writing wasn’t very good and i hadn’t so much as taken a single english class in undergrad. she told me to just look around and do a few google searches to see what i found.

when i started searching, i assumed i would probably be more compelled toward an MEd or MSW programs and go the therapy route, which is what the plan had been in undergrad before my dad died and my life got derailed. i never wanted to be a banker, but i’d got a promotion into commercial finance that paid decently, so i took it and told myself i’d work for a year before going back to school. but then i kept getting promoted and one year became many.

i ended up being more drawn to creative writing MFA programs because they seemed to want people with weird backgrounds like mine. also the classes sounded fun and the programs were funded. i didn’t know how i would be able to afford my mortgage payment or sell my house on a fraction of the income i was making at the bank, but i figured i’d apply and see what happened.

it took 6 months to get a writing sample ready to apply to MFAs. it was the only ofic story i’d written as an adult, and in retrospect i had no idea what i was doing because at that point i didn’t read literary short fiction. but i got the sample as good as i could get it and completed my applications. i applied to 6 schools and got accepted into 1.

in 2015 i wrote 250k. i can’t find my application spreadsheet from that year, but i probably spent between $300 and $400 on application fees. early in the year, i had finally managed to pay off my credit card debt and save a little bit of money.

2016, age 26

the school i got into was within driving distance of my house, so i didn’t bother moving. i tried to quit the bank but my boss convinced me to stay on 2 days a week working from home. i agreed to it, because my grad stipend wasn’t enough to cover my bills, and i was counting on what little savings i had accrued to get me through the program. i still had no drive or interest to publish. i mostly just wanted to go back to school so i could learn how to be better at this thing i really enjoyed doing.

in the MFA, as you might imagine, i had to read a lot of stuff and write a lot of stuff, and was encouraged to begin submitting some of the short stories i wrote for workshop. i was not particularly into the idea, considering it seemed like a lot of work for little reward, and also i didn’t think my stories were very good.

i also started teaching english comp. i hated it and decided that after the MFA, i never wanted to do it again. haha. hahahahahaha

in 2016 i wrote 343k. i didn’t apply/submit in 2016 so i didn’t pay any fees, but my grad stipend was $14k for the academic year, plus the income i was making at the bank.

2017, age 27

i did a complete 180 and decided i loved teaching more than anything else in the entire world, and i was willing to do whatever it took to become a teacher. i realized that to become a teacher, i needed to publish. begrudgingly i started submitting to literary journals. i also applied to summer workshops and got into tin house, which i highly recommend if that’s something you’re interested in. at tin house i met my dream agent, who seemed really interested in my work and encouraged me to query her as soon as i had a book done.

a lot of personal drama happened that year. i was still working at the bank in addition to teaching a 2/2 and taking a full course load. in summer i had a long overdue mental breakdown.

2017 was a rough year. i wrote 149k. this is the year i started keeping a dedicated expenses spreadsheet. i spent $174 in submission fees. tin house tuition with room and board was a little over $1500 + travel. i thought it was worth it because i met the agent i thought i would later sign, but that didn’t pan out. (i made some great friends though!!) tin house was definitely an unwise financial decision; i paid for it out of what little i managed to save in 2015.

2018, age 28

early in 2018, i went from teaching comp/rhet to creative writing, which only cemented my desire to teach writing as a career. i realized i was far better at teaching writing than writing, but i knew i had to keep writing to keep teaching (shocked pikachu.jpg), so i kept submitting to journals. i got my first story accepted. i didn’t receive any payment for that publication. i quit the bank early in the year (finally! after 10 years!) and was terrified about money, in part because my student loan payments were coming out of deferment and i was still paying off my hospital bills from my breakdown.

in spring semester, i won a few departmental awards (totaling $500ish) and got a second story accepted (again, no payment). i also got accepted to another workshop which i will not name because i hated it. i graduated in may and defended my thesis in july. the thesis would later become my short story collection, zucchini.

in fall, i stayed on at my school as an adjunct, and started writing training wheels which would later become an original novel called baby.

i wrote 450k in 2018. i paid $373 in submission fees. i was also nominated for an award for one of my publications but didn’t win. the workshop i went to was like $4000 with room and board (it was a month-long workshop). i got 75% of it covered with scholarships and i paid for the rest of it out of my savings, and even though i’d intended to drive there, my mom ended up buying me a plane ticket. again, i met a lot of big-wig writers i thought for sure would help me get an agent. i told myself i was networking, and that publication was all about Who You Knew. but that turned out not to be true for me.

as an adjunct i made $3200 per course, and i taught 3 classes in fall. in winter, i got my shit together and started applying for creative writing PhDs, mostly to convince my family i was doing something with my life, with no expectation that i would get in. in winter i applied to 2 schools. with application fees and the GRE, i ended up paying well over $500.

2019, age 29

in spring semester, i taught 2 classes while i revised training wheels into baby. when i had a completed manuscript, i finally pulled the plug and used all my networking contacts to get my dream agent i’d met at tin house. i queried her, and a very popular and well-regarded author i’d met at the other workshop emailed her on my behalf to tell her good things about me. i thought for sure i had it in the bag. this author also touched base with a few other agents whom he thought would like my work.

i didn’t hear back from any of them. not even a “no thanks.” i set down querying for a while.

i got a third story picked up and published around this time, and i was paid $25 for it. they also nominated me for an award, and i don’t think i won? but i can’t find out who did win so idk.

my grandpa passed away and i decided to sell my house and move in with my grandma so she wouldn’t be alone. i got rejected from both PhD programs i applied to and decided to get a “real job” instead, and began applying for random positions that offered health insurance, because i knew i was drastically undermedicated and it was becoming a Problem.

near the end of spring semester, i moved out of my house, put it on the market, and was interviewing for a community development manager position for a nonprofit. at the same time, i found out about another university that was taking late-season applications, and i applied. five days later, i got accepted. one day after that, i got a job offer for the nonprofit. since i had no idea how long it would take for my house to sell, and being unable to afford both rent in a new city and my mortgage payment, i deferred my PhD acceptance for a year and decided to work at the nonprofit for a while. the risk was that i could only defer my admission, not my funding, so there was a chance that the following year i wouldn’t get the same funding package.

i lasted one month at the “real job” before i had another breakdown and ended up quitting.

my house sold for well under the asking price and i received only $4000 in equity once it was all said and done. that’s a lot of money to me, but considering that i’d been paying on the house for 7 years, i was expecting a lot more.

i had a year to kill until the PhD so i decided to take a break from teaching and apply to artist residencies instead. i applied to 8 residencies and got accepted into 4, but only ended up attending 3, because the 4th was outrageously priced and there was no indication of the cost when i had applied.

in winter i picked up querying agents again. i queried 10 agents every other week. i also got a ghostwriting gig writing children’s books that paid $800 a month.

in 2019 i wrote 417k. i spent $441 in submission fees (to residencies and contests, not agent queries. never pay money to query an agent!!). i ended up teaching 3 classes fall semester.

2020, age 30

i started out the year driving across the country going to residencies. the first cost $100 (no food), the second cost $250 (A LOT OF VERY GOOD FOOD), and the third paid me $500. i was at the third when the pandemic hit.

the query rejections started rolling in. i gave up in february after 60 queries. of those 60, i received 7 manuscript requests for baby, but the consensus was that it was too long and plotless (you got me there.jpg). at the second residency completed and revised zucchini and decided to begin querying with that instead. i could only find a few agents who accepted collections so i only queried 16. i got one request for the manuscript but then didn’t hear back. i gave up in april shortly after the pandemic hit.

when i figured the collection, like the novel, just wasn’t publishable, i started submitting to contests which is the more standard route for the genre. i submitted to 12 in total and was a finalist in 1. i was rejected or withdrew from the rest.

the PhD program reached out to ask if i was still interested in starting in fall, and i said i was, so they put me in the running for funding again and i was accepted. the stipend was $17k per academic year.

like most of us, i got totally derailed in spring and stopped doing basically everything. the ghostwriting gig started paying $1500 a month and i also started my creative coaching business, which slowly but surely began to supplement my income. i also received the $1200 stimulus.

when school started, i quit the ghostwriting gig. i had no intention to continue querying either book, but i saw a twitter pitch event called DVpit (diverse voices) and decided to participate. for those who don’t know, a twitter pitch event is where you tweet the pitch for your book and use the hashtag, and agents scroll through the tag and like tweets. if an agent likes your tweet, you query them.

i got one like, so i followed up with the query. the agent asked for the full MS and a couple weeks later followed up with the offer for representation. we talked on the phone, she sent me the contract, i asked for a couple changes, and then signed!

so far this year i’ve written 375k and paid $518 in submission fees. i’ll give more details when i do my end of year roundup next month. oh, and i finally paid off my student loans.

totals

word count: 2.3 million

agent queries: 77

agent MS requests: 9

agent rejections: 28

agent no responses: 44

short story submissions: 86

short story acceptances: 3

short story income: $25

total submission/application fees: $1472

my (final) query letter

honestly this query letter probably isn’t very good which is why i got such a minimal response, but it got the job done eventually.

Thank you for expressing interest in ZUCCHINI through this year's DVpit event.

ZUCCHINI is a collection that views sex through an asexual lens. It poses inquiries into constructs like gender, sexuality, and love to dissect the patriarchal/puritanical foundations from which our social perspectives often derive. Being a collection about asexuality, each story portrays a relationship that develops from forms of attraction other than physical.

In one story, a grieving widow purchases her first sex toy; in another, a woman uses sex to cope with the death of her abusive father, and later in the collection faces the long road to recovery; an administrative assistant seeks out a codependent relationship with her boss; a masochist hires a professional sadist to lead him toward self-actualization; a woman begins to recover from her sexual assault by staging a reenactment on her own terms; and lastly, two lifelong friends in a queerplatonic relationship decide to get married. Asexuality is an under-acknowledged identity within the LGBTQIA community and is often misunderstood. In seven stories, ZUCCHINI dissects the notion of attraction, explores the intersections of sexual identity and trauma recovery, and conveys the experience of intimacy without physical desire.

Three stories in the collection have been published in literary magazines. “Lien” appeared in volume 24 of Quarter After Eight and was nominated for the PEN/Robert J. Dau Short Story Prize for Emerging Writers. “An Informed Purchase” appeared in the summer 2018 issue of Midwestern Gothic and won the Jordan-Goodman Prize in Fiction. “The Ashtray” appeared in issue 16 of Rivet Journal and has been nominated for a 2020 Pushcart Prize.

Complete at 53,000 words, ZUCCHINI is a collection in conversation with Carmen Maria Machado’s HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES, Lauren Groff’s FLORIDA, and Samantha Hunt’s THE DARK DARK.

If ZUCCHINI is of interest to you, I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Per your guidelines, I've appended the first twenty pages below, which is the entirety of the first story.

what comes next

i’m going to spend january revising the collection per my agent’s feedback. when i send it back to her, she’ll shoot it out to the first round of publishers. my understanding is that the goal is to get multiple offers on it so that it has to go to auction. if there are no offers, she’ll do another round of submissions, and so on, until we’ve exhausted our options. if that happens, we’ll reassess, but by then hopefully i’ll have another novel finished.

meanwhile, i’ll be continuing the PhD which entails teaching a 2/2, workshop, and 2 lit seminars per semester. i’m also still doing my creative coaching, writing fanfic, and working on my original projects. in summer, i’ll finally be moving to hopefully start going to school in person next fall.

the PhD is a 3 year program with an optional fourth year. i don’t see myself finishing in 3 years so i do plan to take the extra year unless something comes up. after the PhD, i’m not sure what i’ll do. a lot will probably change by then so i’m trying not to commit to one idea. i might apply to post-doc fellowships and tenure track positions, or i might leave the country and teach overseas, or i might move to LA and try to get in a writer’s room somewhere. i’ve got a lot of options.

overall thoughts/stuff i learned

first of all, you don’t have to go through all of this to publish a book. you could feasibly just write a book and query agents. the only reason it took me this long is because my PTSD brain was sabotaging me every step of the way and i didn’t start taking anything seriously until i found something i was willing to fight for (teaching). i went the MFA/literary route but other, faster routes are just as good. maybe better. probably better. actually if there’s any chance you can go a different route, you should take it.

reflecting on all of this, very little of it has anything to do with talent or being a good writer. nor does it have to do with being at the right place at the right time. i’ve only made it this far because i took very small steps over and over again, and during that walk met people who could help me -- the authors who have mentored me, the editors who accepted my stories, the agent who signed me. and as i got further along my path, i started being able to help other writers in the way i was helped.

i don’t believe i’ll ever be a great writer. the best thing i can say about my writing is that it’s competent and accessible. everything i write sets out to do something and most of the time it gets the job done. i don’t imagine i’ll ever be able to financially support myself with publishing, and i’ll certainly never be famous or well-known, but i’m good enough to keep making progress. i’ll probably continue to find opportunities that are adjacent to writing and that will keep me afloat, pending my health and provided the country doesn’t devolve into civil war.

probably the most important thing i learned in all this is that having a wide appeal isn’t the goal. you don’t write to be lauded or liked. you have to stay as true to yourself and your interests as you possibly can, so that the people who come across your path can see you and help you. you’ll need those people; no one gets anywhere alone. if you pander, if you’re too concerned with praise and success or being adored, you won’t make it very far. the rejection will eventually kill you.

with all that said, my advice to you is this: never stop writing. the ability to share our stories is the single most precious thing we have. you can’t let anything stop you from telling your stories the way you need them to be told.

#writing advice #the writing life #writing update

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realmadridfamily · 4 years ago

Photo

Pilar Rubio presents her second collection of swimsuits for the Galician company“Selmark”.

Pilar Rubio is a TV presenter, mother of four boys, a born athlete, as well as a designer and fashion lover. "My mom was a seamstress, and I grew up surrounded by fabrics and sewing machines" says presenter a few days before presenting her second swimsuit collection for Spanish company Selmark. Pilar was fully involved in this new project from the very beginning of the creative process ("We did everything through a video call because we started working on it just before my childbirth") and the five models (three swimsuits and two bikinis) reflect her powerful personality and inexhaustible energy. We discussed with her shortly after she announced that she tested positive for COVID-19. Pilar talks about fashion, design and family, three of her great passions, although she undoubtedly recognizes that her four children are the best project in her life: Sergio, Marco, Alejandro and Máximo Adriano.

This is the second collection you have created for Selmark. What will we find in it? It's a good news. After the success of the first collection, they wanted to make another one and I think we make a great team and we understand each other very well. We have the same idea of what a swimsuit is, what message we want to convey to women ... and I think it's a concept so different from anything we're used to. This first collection was so different from the others because we wanted women to feel that swimwear is their ally. When they offered it to me, they told me they wanted me to design the swimsuits, and I said, "Wow, swimsuits, the hardest thing there is."

How to find the perfect swimsuit? I'm a perfectionist and can spend days looking for a swimsuit that I feel good and comfortable with until I find one that I like. I think it happens to other women too. When you wear one you have to be very sure that it fits you because it shows a part of you that you don't show for the rest of the year. That's why the statement we use is perfect: "it suits you, you feel better". This is the message we want to send you because if this costume suits you, you'll be safer, more comfortable, you'll feel more beautiful, and it all adds up.

What's the key to this second collection? How was the creative process before launching it on the market? The important thing or the key to these two collections is that the shapes are perfect, that they fit all women and emphasize the beauty of women. We've spent a lot of time on it, calling it interior engineering because we've created designs that favor all curves, tweak beautiful parts and hide the ones we don't like so much. We have been working on the second collection since January 2020. I was not able to go to Vigo, which is where Selmark is located, but through a video call we understood each other, we saw fabrics, colors and found five models that are perfect without any doubt.

What inspired you this season? I have been inspired by powerful women, who for me convey that magic that we all have and that empowerment that seems to be very fashionable today but that I think we must always carry as a flag. May these designs make us feel like this: beautiful and powerful in equal measure.

The campaign also includes some spectacular photos, one of which is very wild, where you pose with a snake! Not only men will be in the jungle! (laugh) Women can also have a wild and glamorous point. That model, "Mamba", is beautiful, it goes back around the neck with a bow and makes it a perfect body to wear on a summer night, for example. You can be in the jungle, on the beach, in nature or in the city center, it's important to feel good.

You're not only the face of this collection, you were fully involved in the entire creative and production process ... Sure. I am not just an image, I actively participated in the entire design process. Whenever my image is behind something, it's important to me to take care of it. Each such product has to be something that I have tested and I'm sure it suits me. It's like another baby for me (laughs). I created it myself and that's why I took care of the smallest detail. There is also a very strong field work. I asked all my friends! I asked them what they like, what they want to hide, what they like to enhance with a bikini ...

These five models can also be used for going out to the city and not just for the beach or swimming pool, right? I also wanted them to be super useful, so that I could also go out into the street in them. We've already done it with another collection. I wanted the clothes to be so beautiful that you want to wear them all the time. In fact, many of the models in the first collection were sold out within the first hours of leaving. Now with this second collection I wanted to give it a further point of sophistication. Each model I have imagined in a different place. They are so versatile that they are not only for bathing, but can be worn for a drink at the beach bar or beach club for an afternoon in Madrid ... logically accompanied by a skirt, a pair of pants, a jacket ... But let the one who is brave and wants to take it out as is, I applaud her! (laughs)

What would be the best way to combine them? If I was in Madrid I would take a red swimsuit, model Diamond, and wear it with a jacket and shorts. I would like a total look in red. You can wear a bikini top with a floaty skirt to go to the beach club. To go by boat, you can combine it with a caftan. And I love the Dream model that is a bit psychedelic and Hindu, and that one with some hanging colored glasses, it would look great.

Where does this passion for design and sewing come from? My mother is a seamstress and all my life I was surrounded by fabrics and sewing machines, watching my mother arranging First Communion dresses, suits, and sewing skirts and dresses for me. And little by little I was tinkering, I took the old sewing machines that were at home, I asked her for patterns and I was making my skirts, my dresses. I've always liked it. It's a way to escape the world, it gives me peace. It's like therapy. It's my favorite hobby, although now I don't have as much time as before being a mom. But before, when I had a free time, I usually spent it sewing. At home I have an old sewing machine, which is more than a hundred years old, the kind you have to hit with the foot, which was my grandmother's. Before, I used it often. Now I have a more modern model but I keep the old one as a relic and it's also an excellent piece of furniture because when it's closed it's like a small table.

Are you still sewing clothes for yourself, or are you at least customizing some of the ones you already have? Yes! I customize everything! I still take scissors, bleach ... everything I find out there and I give it a lot of use. You can't even imagine! Suddenly, there are a thousand ideas in my head! But my main source of inspiration is the heavy metal bands of the 80s so every time I see articles from that era or read books from that hard rock scene, I try to make dresses or suits that are inspired by those artists, which are my idols.

Would you like to restart your own brand like you did years ago with rock shirts? Being who I am, who is involved to the fullest, now it is impossible, but you never know. At the moment my most important project is my children and from there I try to manage everything else.

Do you see a talent for creativity in your children? The truth is, they all love to paint. Soon I won't have walls to hang my children's paintings! They bring them to me every day and they are super cute with phrases like "I love you mommy" so I can't throw out any (laughs). But the one I see most interested of all, the most meticulous and detailed, is Alejandro, my third son. Every time I'm sewing or drawing something, he comes up right away and asks: “Mom, what are you doing? And because? And how do you do that? You teach me?"He already wants to take a needle, but for now I won't let him (laughs). I can see that he is very interested in anything creative.

Designer, TV presenter, you exercise every day, four little children ... Please tell me, how do you do it?! (Laughs) Like many others, I guess. Since you have to do this, try your best to align the pieces of the puzzle. But it's important not to neglect yourself as a woman, to have good mental and physical health that makes you send good energy to your loved ones. That's why I have to feel good to make others feel good.

Your husband, Sergio Ramos, is one of the most fashionable celebrities, would you dare to design something for him? I think it would be entering the men's field and I haven't done it yet (laughs), so far I'm only inspired by things that are for women.

How did you spend the last year of the pandemic? If we had to take stock and be able to get something positive out of this catastrophe, it would definitely be the fact that we could be together. We make a good team, distribute responsibilities, we also have very good children.

In June, you and Sergio will celebrate your second wedding anniversary. How do you remember that amazing day? Will you do something to celebrate the second anniversary? We don't plan anything at the moment, we live day after day. Everything I remember from that day is beautiful. From time to time flashes of that night come to me and I think it was all so special that unfortunately I couldn't stop for a moment. Everything was special.

#Pilar Rubio #Sergio Ramos #Interview #Selmark

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firepiplup · 3 years ago

Text

How do i say no to people

You know that analogy about people with adhd having spoons for energy management or whatever? My spoons are on backorder from like 2 months ago and more got on that list now

The problem is that all of the things I'm being asked to do are Very Important Things

I have to feed my diabetic cat. This in itself is not a problem, however she's needs to eat at a specific time (12 hour spacing) and my current sleeping situation along with work do not allow this to happen consistently. Currently trying for 7:30, we'll see how it goes

My apartment has bedbugs, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping on my living room floor until my scumlord landlord actually gets the guy to come back to spray because he did spray but I'm still seeing adults and i "need to give the spray time to work" it's been fucking 2 weeks i don't know how is supposed to work but i feel like after 2 weeks whatever spray you did isn't going to get any stronger i just want to sleep in my own bed it's been like this since fucking March

With that part explained, I'm sleeping at my mom's house on the other side of town. This in itself isn't much of a problem, however as "payment" i have to take care of her dog in the morning, to practice because she's going on a week long vacation in October and none of her dogs can just be taken care of like normal dogs. He needs to wear a diaper to leave the room while i pick up his shit and soiled weewee pad and mop the floor, give him some time to be out of his room, and then feed him his special food mix. The other dog has allergies and probably will get into something he shouldn't, then not use the bathroom outside even though he literally has a doggy door that has constant access to the backyard. Neither dog get along with each other, which is why they are separated. Thank fuck the cat is just normal, this is why i prefer them

Now with THAT explained, it's difficult to take care of my own cat on time in the morning. But as the legendary Billy Mays says: But wait, there's more!

I just got rehired at my job working in a local understaffed pizzeria. My friend, ego also works there, is on vacation (good for her, she deserves it, absolutely no negativity towards her) so i have acquired her hours. So i now work 6 days a week, kinda sorta clopen but i guess it's more of opelose. Or a combination of both? Idk. The point here is, I'm then dealing with essentially running half a restaurant alone 6 days a week, with it not being 7 purely because the owner himself ALSO has the same work schedule as far as I'm aware, and wanted to give himself a day off, and since we are so understaffed it would be impossible unless we literally closed. My tasks include answering the phone, washing dishes, making sandwiches, making dinners, folding pizza boxes, and cleaning the tables/equipment on that side of the restaurant. So essentially everything except making pizzas, cleaning the pizza area, mopping in general, and driving. We generally close at 9, 10 on Friday and Saturday. Guess who was explicitly rehired to close those days? Guess how that's going to work with me having to be home around 7:30 to take care of my own cat? I have no idea either. It's only for about 3 weeks, but my mom, whom i have not asked for any additional help with anything, won't feed the cat while i have work, even though there isn't a guarantee that i can leave on time to THEN RETURN to close, because again I'm the only one on that side of the building. I understand the fear of the bedbugs, so that's probably it, but it still fucking sucks because the kitchen is on the other side of the apartment from the bedroom and there is literally no reason to go there to feed her. But i get it

Did we get to where i can do my own ADLs? Of course not. My neighbor is in the hospital, and her husband is blind. This is a new development that was only discovered an hour before starting this post (about 3:30 am for me). She's ok, it's for mental health reasons, and that's her own business about that. Her husband being blind is not a new development however. And he needs help taking care of the pets, specifically the birds. Which is fine, they just also need to eat on their own schedule. 8am, around lunchtime, and 8pm. Guess who's still at work? One of the birds is special needs because her beak got injured and needs to be essentially spoon fed. Which the blind husband can't do at all. Fairly simple task, but just adding to my obligations that are Very Important because they involve making sure things don't starve to death while my neighbor is in Crisis

Ok let's see, that's 4 Very Important Tasks/Obligations, and only one was originally my own voluntary one. Still not at taking care of myself yet, but i have my shelter, i have my job ("part time" minimum wage, hurray. Part time because even with me being there 6 fucking days a week open to close it still isn't technically enough hours for the state to recognize it as full time), and I'm taking care of *counting* about 8 pets for the next week. Will unemployment give me my money that I've been claiming since March? No? Will they let me claim with my new working hours that makes that while process even harder? Technically but it'll take over an hour for it to process and it doesn't even do that in the end? Well fuck, guess i have to wait to get paid on the books in cash and beg for a hand written paystub and have my hours worked written down. Glad i earned $100 this week, i hope now that my hours have increased i get some more

Next on the list, appointments. Because I'm a dumbass who can't remember shit if it isn't consistently recurring, i overbooked myself for next week. My much needed therapy appointment with my therapist that I've only met once and is the replacement for my much better therapist that i actually had a relationship with is supposed to have a session with me on Tuesday. Will i remember to do it this time? Possibly since i actually remembered it's on Tuesday. Will she send me the reminder text with the zoom link? Probably not. Wednesday, my one day off, thank fuck for that, is the main problem with the scheduling. My med appointment is for 11:30. Cool, can do. Driving lesson at 12. Oh, that's a little close, but i can manage that probably. I only average 1 lesson per year and a half, so it's fine, it's "healthy" to be nervous about operating a death machine powered by explosions. Have to go to social services to pick up, or attempt to, a new food stamps card. They probably close at 5, and add a Non Driver, i need to rely on someone to take me. The sooner the better, but it can't be during the lesson. Don't forget to take care of the creatures before and during all of this.

Ok. Great. There's an hour before work. Time to shower, because it's so fucking hot I'll be sweating like crazy by the time i get around the corner to the pizzeria, with me literally getting out and dressed and then walking out the door. Glad i finally did still to take care of myself. Eating? I might have something i can heat up quickly while the cat eats and so i can take my own meds. Dishes? Those are going to have to wait, i hope the heat wave doesn't get too bad, but it's been like this for a while, still slowly chipping away at them. Sleep? Severe insomnia. I partially blame the bed, my mattress is so comfortable, i hope the bedbugs like it because i can't fucking use it right now. I'd be sleeping so fucking soundly if i were in my own bed, and yet here i am. Maybe i should take the Trazodone now. I just hope I'll wake up on time. Oh look I'm exhausted, can't afford to buy comparatively better prepared coffee from Dunkin, so i guess my shitty at home coffee is going to have to do. Black because i don't have any creamer or milk or lactose free milk in my house. Just the way i hate it. Gonna have to deal with that i guess, maybe I'll learn to like it

The coffee pot lives in my fridge now. I'm worried to put it with the other dishes because if it sits there, not being washed like everything else, then i won't even have the option of coffee. It's just water and ground up beans, I'm sure it's fine

Maybe i can find some kind of coping skill/hobby to help me through my limited me time. Let's see.... I like to crochet, and that helps me get through the dishes by letting me alternate between them and a row/round on one of my many started projects. What? It's in a giant garbage bag with a bedbug treatment stick because of the damn ass bedbugs? Can't open it for at least another week and even then there isn't a place to put the yarn safely? Well fuck. I found that really helpful with keeping me grounded. Umm, well looking online, i should *checks notes* buy new yarn in the meantime and keep it somewhere safe. Uh, well, i can't afford more yarn now and i have nowhere to put it. Videogames it is maybe? Oh fuck now I've hyper focused too long on pokemon, rhythm heaven, and whatever daily games i do, i think i have 5 of those of varying lengths of time spent on them

Did i remember to brush my teeth? No. Do i remember that i should and then when i get out of the shower so i forget to actually execute? Yes. Have i gone insane? Probably

How many spoons is a person supposed to have per day? It takes more for me just to get through the day in general. Why does everyone need me to do their Very Important Tasks? Why is there never anyone else? Can my neighbor just not buy more birds when she gets home from Crisis?

I just want to have good mental health, why is this so hard

#adhd #autistic adult #bedbugs #pizza #cats #birds #diabetes #anxiety #rant #exhaustion #dogs #work #spoons

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moonlightstars16 · 4 years ago

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‘Only Hope’

Years before a certain shy book lover and friendly part-gem sweetheart met Connie Maheswaran did a lot of things her parents told her to do. One of the many activities/hobbies was singing. At first in her schools choir, then she got solos. Her vocals were beautiful and something you might a-kin to a classic musical like 'My Fair Lady' or 'The Sound Of Music'. However it wasn't something Connie felt okay doing in that particular setting. But she did so anyways with hardly any complaint. Thankfully she had her violin lessons to replace it. That was something she did find enjoyment in, but the constant mom-over-her-shoulder about practicing was getting tiresome. Until they sorted things out year later...among other things.

Besides the arts she was dedicated to her studies. At first it was difficult to keep up. Then she began to do nothing but study and practice and soon, learning all different types of things became second nature. When it came to astrology and space, she was enthralled. Even more so when Steven came into her life. He was right, being to space multiple times was not something to just gloss over. Those memories where kept close in her heart. Still space camp was something she wanted to experience as well. A part of her wanted to see the differences and similarities of all she gathered already.

One of the things she loved most about were the stars. As cliched was it sounds, Connie loved every aspect of the stars. The scientific and the more ethereal essence they each seemed to hold. One of them was a comet she had dreamed of seeming again since she was a child. It was coming around to earth that evening and, with the help of a few gem friends, they had planned to watch it together with a huge telescope and with Steven's old warp/greenhouse room roof pulled back it was going to be a perfect night. Well it would've been a perfect night.

While they had discussed things post the whole 'corruption' ordeal and his therapy visits, about their relationship. They knew they were more than just best friends. Connie felt it for a long time. But when cram school and other aspects of her life began, worry set in. Questions of 'What if's?' and others about the future flowed through her mind. Asking Garnet would be nice but unpredictabilities were possible and the future could change so she didn't feel like asking. When she realized how much Steven was holding in and going through, that's when things began to shift more clearer. Yes she had school, but she called to check up on him every single day. Yes she had other friends, but he was still on her mind whether its concern about his physical or mental health or just because he makes her smile.

Life is chaotic and odd but she knew, or rather hoped, that Steven would always be in her life in one form or another. It was increasingly obvious with each passing day that her feelings for him grew bigger and bigger. It was love. In love. Of course she wasn't going to rush things, I mean besides both being still young and neither ready for commitment like that of any kind. Well they both now know. It was the hope of someday that kept them going. Tonight was going to be the night she would finally confess all that she was holding back(because of fear and for making sure he was in a stable place to handle any sort of new emotional truth bombs). However she didn't expect things to turn out so unexpectedly.

Upon arriving at a specific time, she let herself in per Steven's request (which took a lot of convincing), and headed up to the roof. However he wasn't there. Everything was set up and ready, including hot tea, some snacks, a few blankets and pillows, the huge telescope and speakers for music. Even the telescope was set up in just the right direction. Connie sighed with a smile briefly before returning to a confused look on her face. It wasn't like him to be this late, even now. Her phone buzzed and she looked down to see a text from her best friend.

'Hey sorry I got caught up in some gem related stuff. Don't think I'll be able to make it. :'( But please enjoy the comet and your welcome to stay for however long you like. :)'

Her heart sank a bit. She understood things happened and he loved to help. Of course being careful in that area. However she desperately wished he was here with her and not anywhere else. After a thoughtful moment she decided to stay. Thinking it was best to not be rude after all he did to set things up. Pearl probably got involved with the telescope positioning but other than that Steven did go through all that trouble. Putting her bag down she pulled up her music and connected it to the speaker. Laying down as her favorite songs rang throughout the echoed walls, even though the roof was open.

It was a nice evening, many stars filled the night sky, the temperatures were great, it was a beautiful night. Still, she was lonely. Checking her phone for the time, noting how much closer the time was for seeing the comet, she wished that he was here. Hoping he would make it after all. Then it occurred to her that she didn't text back. quickly she typed up her reply.

'Aww man! Well maybe another time. :)'

It was a small reply but it was all she could say in the current moment. Afterwords she set her phone to the side and looked above at the stars. Her thoughts only around one person. Steven. He brought out a side of her that she never thought was possible at the time. Maybe she would've discovered it later in life, but he made it more special. With a hand over her heart she closed her eyes and sat up. Listening, humming and soon singing along to her music. Specifically one certain song she adored.

There's a song that's inside of my soul It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again I'm awake in the infinite cold But you sing to me over and over and over again So I lay my head back down And I lift my hands And pray to be only yours I pray to be only yours I know now you're my only hope

Standing up she walked over to the telescope, leaning against it slightly as her eyes, glazed over with tears looked up towards the twinkling evening sky. Sing to me the song of the stars Of your galaxy dancing And laughing and laughing again When it feels like my dreams are so far Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

Stepping away towards a bush filled with flowers, she picked one up and held it close to her heart. Glancing upwards once again. So I lay my head back down And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours I pray to be only yours I know now you're my only hope

Her skirt flowed with her slight twirl and the slight cool breeze that brushed passed her as she aimlessly walked by the table. One hand gliding across the smooth surface. I give you my destiny I'm giving you all of me I want your symphony Singing in all that I am At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

Stepping towards the room she poured out everything she felt inside. Lifting her arms up, entwining her hands together as she hoped so desperately that he would soon know this about her. The love she felt for him. He had a symphony and she wanted to be apart of it. Apart of his life, forever. So I lay my head back down And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours I pray to be only yours I pray to be only yours I know now you're my only hope

Sitting back down she leaned forward and hunched over slightly. Clutching the sweet flower to her chest. Trying to ignore how ridiculous she was being in the moment. Still her heart felt heavy and she needed to let it out. Even if it was silly because it was just one night their will be others and she will tell him one day. But still it was hard to ignore a few tears staining her cheeks as they fell. Her breathing was deep as she tried to contain herself. Suddenly, she felt two arms wrapped around her and she gasped at the familiar sensation.

"Connie..."

"I thought-"

"I got out of it when I realized I rather be here. Besides it turned out to be not that important anyways."

"Oh.....How much did you hear?"

"I heard it all of it. In fact I was surprised that text I sent was just given to you now and not like two hours prior." Steven slightly laughed as he breathed out air. Connie giggled under her breathe slightly, though her cheeks were probably prominently red by now. Steven reached up with one hand and gently placed it under her chin. Encouraging her to match his gaze. "Is this why you were so eager to come here tonight?"

"I-...I do want to see the comet with you of course. But...I also wanted to tell you all that I was feeling since you told me a bit ago that you felt okay for anything. I mean since you were talking with your therapist and all about it. The emotional stuff I mean." Making a mental note of her bad word choices didn't make this much easier. He sucked in her breath sharply upon hearing those words.

"How long?"

"I-....about two months...." Her face fell once more hearing herself say the timeline out loud. Perhaps this was too soon.

"Connie I-....I'm glad you finally told me."

"Inadvertently so." She mumbled as he chuckled a bit more loudly.

"Either way I'm glad you did....Because now I need to tell you this properly." Pulling back he turned to her back and draped a beautiful heart shaped locket over her neck. "I once knew this girl I was trying to impress. When really all I needed to be was myself. We became the best of friends and now I don't want to be apart from her ever. I screwed up on a certain relationship concept and my own insecurities didn't help things. But through it all she stayed and still held her feelings for me. One I want to give back properly. " Clasping the chain he turned her around, seeing one hand over the beautiful pendant as her eyes locked with his own.

"What is it?" He took both her hands in his and pulled it to his chest. Laying them both over his beating heart. Letting the position linger before letting them go and slipping his hands around her backside. Pulling her close as she leaned against him. Both sitting on their knees and not caring for the pain that they felt. A smile spread across both of them. First Steven then Connie as he told her something wonderful.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

It was a magical moment as their lips touched and the kiss grew. Later they could be found laying on the blankets, holding onto one another as her head rested against his shoulder and his arm wrapped around hers and her waist. Looking up and reminiscing everything and nothing. Including the beautiful and colorful comet.

It was a moment where their hopes finally had an answer.

They relished in it deep in their hearts.

#steven universe future #steven universe #steven and connie #stevenxconnie #connie maheswaran #connverse #connverse one shot #only hope #mandy moore

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feelingsgoulash · 5 years ago

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Healing my codependent heart. Some things I'm learning on this journey to no longer be codependent.

Things I am reminding myself of daily:

What I am responsible for:

My work – Showing up, doing my job, practicing integrity and reliability.

My health – Eating right, exercising, going to the doctor, etc.

My recovery – Going to meetings, doing step work, staying connected to my support group.

My mental health – Going to therapy and doing the work to heal.

My youngest son – Making sure he goes to school, does his work, gets the proper health care he needs and proper nutrition.

My home – Making sure it is clean and functioning – making necessary repairs.

My car – Keeping insurance and making necessary repairs, maintenance.

How I treat others – Being respectful, considerate and honest.

My dog – vet visits, vaccines, exercise, food, etc.

What I am not responsible for:

How others perceive me – how they receive my energy or interpret my actions.

The happiness of anyone else – my children, my mother, my boyfriend, my sisters, my friends, anyone.

Anyone else's health, outside of my youngest son.

Anyone else’s success or comfort in life.

Anyone else’s safety outside of the safety I provide in my home or driving them around.

Rules to Help Combat My Codependency:

Don’t provide unsolicited advice. I am not required (or even expected in a healthy relationship) to fix things for others. If advice is asked for, I can offer it.

Don’t rely on other people’s reactions, moods or happiness to dictate how I feel about anything. I am not responsible for how other’s feel, think or act.

Before doing something for someone, think about myself first. Determine if doing the thing will put me in a position to put myself out, sacrifice my peace or needs.

*I can still do whatever it is, however, I must be aware of the consequences and separate myself from the outcome.

*Check my motives. If I am only doing it because I want a desired response / outcome (to be loved, to be valued, to be needed, etc.) I should strongly reconsider. This type of behavior is setting myself up for a resentment which is not fair to me or the other person. It is also a form of manipulation.

Make time for myself. Having hobbies & interests that don’t include anyone else is healthy and necessary!

Don’t chase people. I do not have to constantly be the one making all the effort in a relationship. It is ok to let go and let be what will be. Think about if I really want to be trying to control and carry all my relationships. How sad and exhausting that will be?! Be like Elsa and “Let it go!”

*I may be surprised too where people pick up their slack because they were only slacking because I never gave them a chance to put in more effort.

*It may hurt losing connections to people, but I will be ok.

Ask for what I want/need. No one is a mind reader. I will never get what I don’t ask for. And it is ok to want/need things. But remember, it is also ok for the other person to say no.

Say no. It’s ok. I am allowed!

Make time for selfcare – manicure, pedicure, massage, haircut, etc. etc. Do for myself what I would do for someone else.

@feelingsgoulash 2/17/2020

#codependent relationships #codependentnomore #codependency #healing

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fairycosmos · 4 years ago

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hi chloe idk if youll see this but i only have a year left until college and i live in an abusive household. no one understands me and my mom and dad especially don't. my older sister doesnt seem to hold the patience to listen to whenever i do try and call her once annually. i dont know how much longer i can hold on. it literally hurts my mind so much thinking about all of it, especially after abusive episodes from them. im scared to live alone but i just cant wait to

gosh im so sorry to hear that love :( while i’m proud of you for making it this far and for being able to talk about it with me, it’s really awful that you’ve had to deal with it for so long, and that it’s happening to you in the first place. especially during your adolescence, which is a time when we’re all super impressionable. a time when we all feel like nothing is ever going to change. and i can definitely relate to nobody even taking the time to understand you, and to feeling like you’re being overlooked or forgotten. when we experience something like this our brains often to try to make sense of the actions of those around us by turning towards self blame, and internalizing all the negativity + manipulating it into self hatred. but i think its important to remember that you are not responsible for what others do, in this context. how they choose to treat you is not a reflection of you or of what you deserve, alright? your sister’s selfishness is a trait of her own. your parent’s anger is a result of their lack of control and self regulation. none of this is on you. it may be hard to truly believe that in this moment, but nonetheless i think it’s a sentiment you should try to keep close to your heart. it’s not your fault that you have been failed by the people who were supposed to protect you, and it doesn’t mean that any future bonds you form will turn out the same way. it’s normal to want to give up at times, but you must know that there’s a difference between temporarily feeling that way and actually acting on it in a very permanent way. i said this another anon the other day, but i mean it just as much: you have so much waiting for you. and you didn’t survive all of that for nothing. once you’re in college and you have autonomy over your own life, once you get to choose how much time you spend with your parents and how much you let them in - all of the pain and toxic beliefs you’ve built your world view around will begin to slowly dissipate. and that may be a life long process, but it’s supposed to be. you have all of the time in the world to build your own existence and to heal from what’s happened to you. there are so many different tools to utilize, paths to walk down and people to meet who will show you what it’s like to be truly loved. including yourself, the person you will grow into. if you just give yourself the chance. i know it’s not that much comfort in this moment because you still have to deal with your parents and their bullshit, but it’s good to consciously remind yourself of all the good that is out there. when you’re an anxious and hurt person, it’s common to suffer from a sense of impending doom or failure, but the reality of it will be so much more of a calm, gradual process than you realize.

that being said, i’m quite worried that you’re still in this situation and that your parents are just okay with periodically putting you through ‘episodes’. it’s NOT okay. and you have every right to process hurt, anger, bitterness, sadness, numbness because of it. while it may be painful, there is no shame in crying or in feeling whatever you need to feel. it’s a normal human response to such emotional turmoil, so try to go easy on yourself honey. you’re doing what you can with what you’ve been given. however, it’s important to understand that the presence of these negative emotions is never an excuse to harm yourself or worse. i understand that it’s extremely overwhelming, and that it may sometimes feel beyond your control. but even just attempting to put some positive coping mechanisms in place may make all the difference, even if they don’t work every single time. this can be anything from creating a safe space for yourself (in your room, or could be somewhere outside like the park or a library) to researching breathing techniques and self affirmations, to journaling or venting to your friends, to meditation to finding a comfort hobby/show to simply lying in bed and sobbing the feelings out and then going to sleep, maybe practicing some self care. every small effort counts, even if it feels like the dumbest thing in the world. if you keep it up on a semi consistent basis, you will notice a shift eventually. it’s possible to hurt and grow at the same time. i also think it could be a good idea to consider reaching out to someone about this - perhaps a school counselor, or a mental health hotline, or a support group in your area. maybe make an appointment with your doctor to see if they can recommend any resources, if possible? whatever works for you. i just really think it’s important that you understand on a very fundamental level that you have every right to talk about what’s going on, and that there are so many ppl out there who understand. who have even been through the same thing, and survived after it and thrived. i know this is one of those suggestions that feels very scary and like you just can’t do it, but if there’s any service available to you i’d really recommend utilizing it, or at least not ignoring the option all together. having someone you can be honest with and who can enable you to develop some self esteem, plus some added perspective so you don’t feel as ‘trapped’, will really make it all feel a little less heavy. consistent therapy/counseling will show you how to unlearn all of the mental habits you’ve developed over the years due to the treatment you’ve endured, and you deserve that relief. i get that it all feels like a lot of effort, and i’m not saying that doing this stuff is a quick fix. i’m saying that you have a life and an existence that is worth investing in, that is worth caring about. you are worth the world, FUCK your parents for making you question that due to their own mental and emotional issues. regardless of your past, you’re here and you deserve better. you will find better. you’re so much closer to getting ‘out’ than you realize. while it’s normal to be scared of living alone, humans adapt quite quickly. and you wont be alone in the way that you imagine, you’ll simply have agency over your own choices. like i said before, there are so many ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to truly treasured, who you haven’t even met yet. it’s just a matter of treating yourself softly, the way you’d treat a friend going through a hard time, until you get to that point. and also a matter of knowing your parents are full of shit. but anyway, this got far too long. i just have a lot to say, i hate how adults choose to have babies and then do this to them.....if you want to talk about it properly, or if you need a friend or anything. please feel free to send me a message. i’ll be here, and i believe in you !! one day at a time 💌

#anon

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happyacademia · 6 years ago

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Includes: tips, resources, and step-by-step advice!

When I say I’ve been dealing with school-induced anxiety throughout my whole academic career, I’m really being serious - my parents told me I used to ask them all the time if it was difficult to learn how to read and write, and worry if I’d ever get the hang of it like my older sister had done. Soon enough I started stressing about homework, exams and extracurricular activities, and it hasn’t changed much since, but I learned how to overcome it.

I admit I get good grades, and the reason I work so hard it is because I worry about my future. Therefore, being concerned about your performance is a crucial part of succeeding, but once that concern turns into obsession and something that often overwhelms you, it means that it’s become something unhealthy - and that is what’s going to damage your performance. This kind of anxiety has become a big thing not only among college students but also the younger ones, who are still struggling to graduate and get into university, and unfortunately, most don’t know how to manage it.

Anxiety and stress can lead to major health problems such as depression, fatigue and many behavioral, sleeping, respiratory and mood issues. Personally, I’ve been dealing with insomnia, mood swings, chronic migraines and some other things due to school-induced anxiety and stress, but thankfully I’ve been feeling much better once I decided to do something about it and care more for my well-being by building new healthy habits and getting rid of bad ones.

Today’s education system still has a lot to improve and we do need desperately to talk more about mental health in schools, but for now, l’d like to share some tips that have personally helped me how to stay on my feet and keep my head held up high despite the many bumps on the road.

Keep organized all year long

The one thing that will save you that one week filled with deadlines and exams is your level of organization. How do you store your notes, scored past exams and completed exercises? These are crucial during a revision session, and if they’re not in hand once it’s time for that, it can further worsen your mood. Having everything in place for when you need it will make you feel in control, which is exactly how you want to feel. Here’s a few steps to help you putting everything in their rightful place:

Keep a thin plastic folder on your bag, and whenever you’re given a sheet, place it inside the folder at the end of the class.

Once you get home, organize all the sheets inside the folder. You can do it every other day or every weekend if it’s troublesome to do it every day. If you use a binder for the corresponding class, place it there. If you use a notebook and don’t like gluing papers onto the pages, consider buying one of those thick folders with multiple compartments - this way, you can place the sheet in the class’ compartment and find it easily once you need it.

Regularly throw away papers you don’t need anymore - having useless stuff around might cause even more stress.

Have a space in your room which is exclusive for your books, binders/notebooks and all other school material so you always know where to put things and where to find them.

I want to stress the importance of a pencil case - it might seem like silly remainder, but I know a lot of people who just don’t have them. It doesn’t need to be fancy; some of my friends use ziplock bags as pencil cases, and they work just fine. It just helps you keep your pens, pencils, highlighters and whatever else you need in one place.

Keep up with your calendar

This is like the second part of the whole “keep organized” tip. I seriously can’t stress this enough. Dates are important; please keep track of them. The best way to do so is by having a calendar on your wall and a planner with you all day.

Again, it doesn’t have to be anything fancy. I’ll have some free printables of calendars and planner pages below, but you can make your own monthly calendar out of a A4 sheet (which is what I usually do), and you can find some pretty cheap planners out there.

Just to make sure it’s clear, I’m talking about planners, not bullet journals. While bullet journals are great to keep up with tasks and such as well, the advantage of planners is that you can write down things that will happen in weeks by turning a few pages since the dates are already printed for you. While you can write down reminders in the bullet journal, you might forget to check later, while the planner will remind you once you get there. The calendar on the wall is also a great way to keep up with reminders.

Like mentioned above, even though it’s not essential, keeping a bullet journal is an awesome hobby, and can be a really good friend if you’re serious about boosting your productivity and keeping up with daily tasks. I’ll leave some in-depth posts about it below as well!

Remember to write down everything on your planner: when your homework/essay/project is due, the date of your test, any holidays, etc. It will be super helpful once you need to plan your study schedule before a exam season.

If you prefer having an app that can do that for you, I highly recommend the My Study Life app.

Resources:

emmastudies' 2019 yearly calendar printables

emmastudies' 2019 monthly calendar printables

emmastudies' weekly planner printable

studydiaryofamedstudent's printables (habit tracker, weekly planner, meal planner, month planner)

jackiejapalture's exam study kit printables (exam schedule, finals week schedule, weekly planner, essay planner, definitions sheet, notes sheet)

bullet journal tutorial by studypetals

Exercise

You don’t have to lift heavy weights or run a marathon, and you don’t have to exercise every day either. Try to exercise three days a week, the way you like the most. Exercising is an extremely efficient way of releasing stress and maintaining a body that is body healthy physically and mentally. If done in the morning or before a study session, it can even improve your concentration.

You can go on walks outside! Create a playlist with your favorite songs, put on some comfy sneakers and just go. It can actually be quite pleasant and not difficult at all.

You can enroll on a gym if you don’t like walking outside, and maybe even ask a friend or a family member to start going with you if you don’t like being on your own.

If neither of those ideas sound appealing to you, you can try doing some home exercises. There are plenty of easy workout videos for you to follow online. These include pilates, yoga, but also some pretty intense bodyweight and cardio ones.

Yoga is one of the best physical ways to release stress. I don’t do it regularly but my sister convinced me to try it a few times and it’s amazing. There are a bunch of yoga videos online, such as morning and bedtime routines, that have really helped me start the day in a good mood or manage to help me sleep once it’s over. There are some that are even targeted to when you’re feeling very anxious or stressed.

Resources:

Yoga for anxiety and stress

Yoga for bedtime

Total body stretch

Apartment-friendly cardio workout

Eat healthy

Eating healthy doesn’t mean you have to go on a diet or try to lose weight. I know plenty of people that are quite thin or don’t really want to lose weight, but who eat really crappy food. Eating bad food can have several bad side effects other than making you gain weight, such as acne, low energy, mood swings, insomnia, and many other things. That doesn’t mean you can’t eat that cookie daily, but eating processed food for every meal definitely won’t do you good on the long run. Here are some practical tips:

Try to have lots of veggies with at least one of your meals

Try leaving junk food and soft drinks exclusively to the weekend

Eat your favorite fruits for snacks

Sometimes buying your breakfast instead of making it when you “don't have the time” it’s even more time consuming; I’ll leave some really good and ridiculously easy recipes bellow!

12 healthy smoothies

5 lazy, quick & healthy meal recipes (vegan)

5 healthy lunch ideas for school & work

Drink water

Again, so important! Keeping your body hydrated has so many advantages, especially when it comes to your mood. You need to replace the huge amounts of water you lose everyday by drinking it all back, and help maintain the balance of body fluids - they’re responsible for things such as digestion and transportation of nutrients. And so, drinking water can help you relieve fatigue, keep concentrated and think more clearly, which are essential things for a student.

It can be hard if you’re not used to it, so you can start small, with 1 liter (33 oz).

Try to slowly increase you intake to 2 liters (which is about eight 8-ounce glasses of water, and hence why people say you should drink about 8 glasses of water per day)

Measuring the quantity in glasses can be quite troublesome sometimes throughout the day, so what I like doing is bringing my water bottle everywhere. I have a 600ml bottle and my goal is to drink 3 liters daily, so I have to drink 5 bottles.

To keep on track and remember how much I’ve already drank, I use the Drink Water app. It’s really simple to use, and you can adjust your goal accordingly! I'm not sure if it's available for Android, but you can easily find similar apps for any phone!

Communication

If you think you need it, please open up about what’s been going through your mind to someone you trust. If you don’t feel like talking to a family member of friend, look for a teacher you trust at school. You can even search for your school’s psychologist - most have it, and they’re generally the nicest people out there, and would be very happy to hear what you have to say and give really good advice.

Finally, please consider seeking professional help. Therapy really does help; talking out loud with a professional who knows exactly what to do to help you will certainly be a good option. When my anxiety was really bad, I used to go to a psychologist weekly and she helped me made the right decisions and keep going! I don’t need her assistance anymore, but I’ll always be grateful for her help, and proud of myself for deciding to keep visiting her even when I didn’t feel like it.

Resources:

International helplines

Take a break

Sometimes the healthiest way to put yourself back together is taking a few steps back and letting go for a while. Maybe a day. Maybe an entire weekend! Take the time to read a book, hang out with your friends, binge-watch your favorite TV show... the ideas are endless. Just don't do anything school-related.

Of course, if you're near exam season this would be hard, but if you keep organized all year long, I'm sure an opportunity will arise - to take it!

Keep going!

Never forget that you can do it! No matter how difficult it seems, you can always keep going as long as you’re not overworking yourself and seeking unhealthy coping mechanisms. By keeping organized and taking care of your health, you’ll see that your daily routine will become easier and your mind will clear up, so don’t give up!

“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

#studyblr #studyspo #study #study tips #self care #mental health #masterpost #advice #studying #college #appblr #students #inspiration #motivation #organization #original #happyacademia

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number9robotic · 5 years ago

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9-24-19 Update

The long-awaited sequel to my 9-22-19 Update!

(plugging my newest pic as an artist tax)

Short version: I’m in physical danger right now.

Long version: My relationship with my parents are breaking down significantly because changes to plans of my living situation, my inability to cope with my depression, anxiety, and other mental/emotional compromises, and the resulting inability to do anything outside my comfort zone like finding a proper job/source of income or going to school.

As a result, my mom over the course of a few days have been physically threatening me (in public, no less) to send me back to my home in Vancouver while also shaming me for ruining their lives, and I feel legitimately unsafe being in my own home because I don’t know what they’re gonna do to me. All while this happens, my ability to stay motivated as a creator is really being tested.

Fuller version is below this line because I don’t wanna flood the feed and my account with walls of unpleasant text:

Please read my 9-22-19 Update for full context and backstory, there’s a lot of text and I don’t wanna retype it all.

1. THE REAL-LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES GOT WORSE

Yesterday as I was in my weekly therapy appointment, my parents had a renegotiation with each other about that plan I mentioned for my dad to come here and basically repeat the process of my legal anchoring to LA away from my home in Vancouver. Even though I responded with a (resigned) “sure, I’ll do it for you,” suddenly my dad made a conscience decision and told my mom that he changed his mind, because he’s really concerned about my mental well-being and the complete stagnation of my life because of my time here in LA.

This... didn’t go well with my mom, because as usual, this is ultimately about her, I guess. Later that evening, she took me to a Starbucks because she wanted to talk with me about something important, partially as a result of her indeed getting her travel permit document that day. She told me she also talked to her lawyer earlier that day, who said that as it stands, while the case isn’t expected to be finished until April 2020 at the earliest, I’ve technically done all I need to do to be declared a resident of the US, and my job is effectively done. Combined with my dad’s newfound desire to not keep me here any longer, I was told that I could return home.

buuuuuuuuuuuut

She was VERY clearly not happy about this. Despite being the one who decided to talk about this publicly, she had a very loud meltdown as she was explaining this and decided to erupt all of her frustrations not just with herself, but also of me.

To summarize her very long and confusing tirade, she started to outright force at me “JUST GO BACK TO VANCOUVER! GET A TICKET AND MOVE BACK TOMORROW! JUST GO!!!!”, yet was simultaneously also venting about how much damage this would do to HER and her career; that my lack of presence is a sign of failure on her part as a parent, because she hasn’t been able to get me to go to school or a “real” job or even learn how to drive. Keep this one little bit of info in mind.

A third argument she was trying to convince me of is that the return to Vancouver for me is only going to fuck ME up, because she doesn’t believe that me returning back to a comfortable place where I’m familiar with and am actually able to get around using public transit (which is so much better than LA, it’s not even a fair comparison) would be better for me and my personal health. She also said that Vancouver’s ability to help me with my mental health is so much worse than that of LA... which... that’s incredibly laughable on so many levels, the least of which is the fact that we spent a several-month assessment process to apply for job assistance because of my autism, only for the result to me to deem me and my autism diagnosis as invalid, but whatever, I guess...

I responded by telling how incredibly irrational she was acting in her hysterical state (again, in a very public area) with her a bunch about what I felt would help me through this, which I’ll talk about later. Reason not now is because she promptly forgot about it and this morning, SHE DID THE SAME THING AGAIN. This time she invited me to talk at a different Starbucks, asked me about my future, and then had ANOTHER very public meltdown screaming about her and my life problems, but this time it was at a time before McDonald’s stopped serving its breakfast menu.

Once again, she slammed me in my inability/refusal to try anything that would apparently help justify me being here in LA, me ruining her life no matter where I go in the world, and also threatening to send me away to Vancouver. This time I just had to outright leave the conversation because she was getting violent this time; I’m currently typing this in a library and she hasn’t found me yet. This isn’t an entirely new feeling, but currently I am legitimately scared for my future and physical safety.

2. EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND PARENTING

I (re-)explained to her that my problem with all of these personal development hurdles -- my inability to try anything where it feels like the failure of which will be utterly emotionally devastating -- is because I flat-out do not have the ability to deal with it. The entirety of grade school and post-secondary have collectively been the most emotionally devastating times of my life to me, I failed my written exam that’s the first step to get a driver’s licence 5 TIMES, and I have a smattering of emotional, communicative, mental, and physical hinderances preventing me from finding work.

And here’s why that affects me so much: my parents are not emotionally supportive. Mom and dad have outright admitted that due to “Chinese parenting”, “it’s just not my personality”, “I don’t know how to help reassure you” they don’t wish to help me with my emotional problems directly, often times finding it to be the job of others they can then shunt that duty off to, such as therapists, psychologists, counselors, or others. This ignores the fact that my meetings with them are weekly, whereas my greatest exposure to other people come from them, my supposed “loved ones”. I feel like I should be able to go to them for emotional strength. I do not, either because they aren’t capable of or just simply don’t want to be that.

Just to note how little they care about my feelings, I came out to them as nonbinary a few months ago, explained to them what that actually means, that I don’t like my pronouns or birth name at all, and asked for them to respect that. They have yet to comply despite me broadcasting my discomfort constantly, because they simply won’t “get it”.

Yknow... as someone who’s failed a lot in life... I can safely say that the resulting emotional wreckage isn’t fun.

The thing about being emotionally wrecked is that without any reliable source to go to like family or friends, my only solution is to just wait for my depression to pass... which if anyone knows anything about it, you’d know it’s super-unreliable and can take either a week or a month for me to feel better again, and is incredibly destructive. What I’ve recently realized is how much it utterly fucks with my perception of time and continuity -- depression cuts off my ability to feel anything significant or optimistic, including my ability to perceive a future worth looking up to. As a result, I feel like I’ve wasted A LOT of time in the last few years because nobody has been able to help me with that, at least in my actual time of need.

I’ve made this point to my parents many times throughout the year, and I’ve been desperately trying to communicate to them that the easiest solution to my mental trauma? To actually be there emotionally as loved ones; to help me through that potential sense of failure that I’m so afraid of experiencing again, and for them to comfort me as their child.

This request has pissed off my mom on multiple levels: the first I established already is that she’s constantly claiming she doesn’t know how to/isn’t capable of doing it because “it’s just not me” or “I’m not white mom” or some other crap. The second however is where things got super-confusing: she was also offended that I would ever think that she doesn’t support me on that level, and shared me a bunch of wechats to our extended family supporting my minor hobbies, even though they’ve been sucking really bad (again, please consider my patreon, this is a super-hard time to be motivated as a creator)

So I was like... “You ARE capable of being emotionally reassuring! I want to actually hear it myself!” because she almost never expresses positive emotions; it’s either complete ambivalence or negative frustration. She continued to express negative frustration at this, and at that point I just gave up because at this point it struck me that she just outright doesn’t want to help me with it because she felt like she can shunt the duty to someone else... even though she’s pissed about having to pay them therapy bills to do so. Ugh...

3. EVERYTHING BITES

To summarize: this entire breakdown and my future is emotionally fueled not about my needs like my dad wished, but about my mom’s, who believes that it is far more simple for me to be sent back to Vancouver at her blatant behest, and for me to just “get over” my depression and anxiety to do all the shit she expects me to do which she also believes me to be incapable of doing, than to just... be a caring parent who expresses positive feelings.

And during all of this, she’s also shaming me as a failure who ruins her life no matter what I do.

I am... so exhausted... and it’s super-difficult to stay motivated as a creator these days as a result of it. Fuck, I barely feel safe returning home either in LA or in Vancouver, because I know my mom hates me for it.

I still don’t have friends, and I still have depression and anxiety... and I can’t even ask my mom to be there for me in my time of emotional distress... thanks.

#vent #art #artist #need help #artists on tumblr

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drlaurynlax · 6 years ago

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The #1 Cause of HPA Axis Dysfunction (Adrenal Fatigue)

The HPA Axis Dysfunction or Adrenal Fatigue

HPA Axis Dysfunction or adrenal fatigue is real…don’t believe me? Read on for yourself to find out how it can happen to anyone, and the #1 cause behind it all.

I’ve been quiet in social media world the past several months and, to be honest, it’s been a rough stretch to say the least. In short: “Adrenal fatigue” or HPA Axis Dysfunction is real, and if you’ve ever experienced an extreme bout of stress, you’ll know what I mean. Here’s a little personal story, and the science and research to prove it.

Stress = The #1 Cause of HPA Axis Dysfunction

In fact, stress alone is the #1 driver of HPA Axis Dysfunction—the primary attributed cause of practically every known ailment plaguing our society today—from diabetes, to cancer, autoimmune disease, anxiety and beyond.

Contrary to popular belief, stress goes far beyond just mental stress alone.

Physical stress is often times even more detrimental, as it more easily goes unseen, including: imbalances in the basic human needs (such as lack of sleep, dehydration, poor nutrient density, sedentary or overtraining lifestyles), to gut dysfunction (SIBO, leaky gut, IBS), circadian rhythm dysfunction, inflammation, and light exposure (blue screens, light at night, etc.).

In fact, you can be sitting on a beach in Tahiti with a margarita in hand, seemingly no care in the world, but your body STILL be under a significant amount of stress, such as: fighting leaky gut and acne, experiencing shortness of breath from overwork in your daily lifestyle and lack of sleep, and hormone imbalances from overtraining in the gym and under-eating fat and protein.

Regardless of what type of stress you face (physical or mental), our bodies can only take so much stress. While stress is inevitable (impossible to avoid in modern day), if you go over your individualized threshold of stress or experience a significant amount of stress in a short amount of time, your body may back fire.

Enter: “Adrenal Fatigue” or “HPA Axis Dysfunction.”

My HPA Axis Dysfunction Story

It all began in March of 2018.

Actually, rephrase that: It all began about 3 years ago, in 2015—the beginnings of my business and life as an entrepreneur.

Eager to “save the world” with my business aspirations in the health and wellness field, I went to work on the front lines, doing things like:

My Job (“Saving the World”)

Therapy:

Providing counseling and therapy services to individuals with emotional baggage to get rid of;

Nutrition:

Offering support plans and nutritional guidance for individuals seeking health improvements;

Functional Medicine:

Knocking conventional medicine on its head with functional medicine—providing tools, resources, protocols and procedures for helping people truly heal, not just manage their disease:

—You know, just “saving the world” (or trying to).

Along with these pursuits, a sneak peek into my life as an entrepreneur looked something like this for a couple years:

HPA Axis Dysfunction Begins: (Stressful) Life of an Entrepreneur (Beginning Fall of 2015)

6 a.m. Rise & Shine. Wakeup to my alarm across the room (despite wanting to go back to sleep after 5 hours of sleep)

Brushing my teeth, swigging a protein shake, and rushing to get ready for the day to make it to the gym by 6:30 a.m. or 7

7-8:30 a.m. Workout. Hitting a workout in the gym first thing to get energized for the day

8:30 a.m. Breakfast: Another protein shake, greens, coconut butter and 1/2 a banana on my way to my office

9 a.m.-2 p.m. Work It Start the work day, seeing new clients and writing or creating my next online project or book.

2 p.m.-3:30 p.m. Workout #2. Hit the gym again for a break in the middle of the work day to burn off energy and clear my head.

3:30 p.m. Lunch. Chicken, avocado, greens, beets.

4 pm-7:30 p.m. Work It. Back to the grind.

7:30 or 8 p.m. Group Meeting. Mixing, mingling and talking more about business.

9:30 p.m. Workout. Force myself to hit the gym again after a long afternoon of sitting to work out pent up energy for 40-60 minutes.

10:30 p.m. Dinner. Dinner at home: Turkey burger patty, sweet potato, coconut butter, greens sautéed in ghee.

11 p.m.-1 a.m. Work. Finish my work for the day (e-mails, admin, etc.).

1 or 1:30 a.m. Bed. Hit the sack and sleep like a rock for about 5 hours.

Wakeup and do it all over again!

But Stress is “Normal” Right?…

Can you relate?

Or do you know anyone who is an entrepreneur, or in school, or loves what they do, or who is super stressed over their work or life—and keeps a similar schedule? (Burning a candle at ALL ends).

Face it: Stress and “running on a hamster wheel” is normal, and if you are NOT doing it, then you better watch out because (gasp) you may fall behind.

Although I thought I was made of “steel”—immune of stress wreaking havoc on my health—my body had other plans in mind.

Before I realized it, various (silent) health issues began to arise including:

Health Issues Arise (2016-2017)

IBS

SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth)

Unwanted weight loss (losing about 10 pounds over the course of about 3 years due to malabsorption and gut issues)

Bloating after eating

Chronic constipation

Shortness of breath if I slept less than 5 hours multiple days in a row

Gym performance decline (loss of strength, endurance, gains in the gym)

Hormone imbalances (losing my period)

However, despite all these “new” symptoms, I was completely checked out from my body—laser focused on checking off to-do lists, getting further ahead in business and growing a company.

In addition to not feeling on “top of my A-game,” other things in my life began to shift too, such as:

Lifestyle Imbalance (2016-2017)

Isolation from friendships (in place of work)

Working on weekends and evenings instead of spending time with people or taking breaks

Lack of interests and activities outside of work

Disconnection from my “source”—time spent in Word, prayer

Disconnection from the great outdoors (staying inside most of the days)

Over-screen exposure (upwards of 10-12 hours per day in front of a computer)

Loss of “who I am” or what I like to do (outside work)

Running towards a goal with no end in sight

To say the least, I became more like a robot, and less like “Lauryn”—the well rounded individual I am in my core.

I could talk and write all day about living a health lifestyle, and I knew WHAT to do, but when it came to my own health and life, there wasn’t time to do all the things I preached about!

As a busy entrepreneur, trying to save the world, who had time to do things like sleep 7-8 hours, or mix up my workouts, or eat a variety of nutrient dense foods, or make time for hobbies and passions and relationships?!

This schedule and pace continued for a good 3 years before my body really began to speak—letting me know that something was up.

Getting Out of Balance: SIBO, Leaky Gut, IBS & Beyond (September 2017)

Come September 2017, I was hit with a severe case of SIBO—Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth—in which my body, under high amounts of physical and mental stress, developed a gut condition where unhealthy bacteria overpopulated my small intestine.

The result?

Rapid weight loss and IBS.

Although I have struggled with “gut stuff” (constipation and IBS) most of my life, things really kicked up.

Seemingly overnight, I went from just feeling bloated after most meals to having to run to the bathroom after most meals with loose watery stools, or the opposite, waking up super constipated—unable to go at all.

This conundrum continued for a good 4 months before I decided to dig deeper and consider what else may be going on under the hood.

Thanks to my functional medicine background and training program at the time, we were actually learning about SIBO at the same time, and come to find out, SIBO is exactly what I had—triggering unwanted weight loss, malabsorption, bloating, constipation, tummy cramps, and the inability to tolerate most FODMAP foods.

At the turn of the New Year (January 2018), I was treating SIBO at home with a strict supplement protocol, courtesy of my functional medicine training, and by the end of February, I was feeling much better on the gut front—except about 10 pounds lighter than I’d want to be.

“What’s wrong with Lauryn?” I could sense others saying with their eyes, and it appeared I was “back” into my eating disorder that I had struggled with from ages 10-24.

I could hardly look in the mirror myself, and sitting at barely 100 pounds (on a “good day”), for my 5’4’’ frame, I felt it—felt weaker, and more discouraged, despite being more at peace with eating, feeding my body well and even giving up cardio in place of more muscle building workouts.

However, despite my efforts to gain weight—it wasn’t happening. Eating approximately 2400 calories each day wasn’t doing it. “Carbing up” wasn’t doing it. Working out a little bit less wasn’t doing it.

By March 2018, I found myself in a Gastrointestinal Doctor’s office to try to “get to the bottom” of things to see what—if anything—in my gut was still keeping me from putting on some weight that I wanted, and the conventional medicine “rabbit hole” began.”

The Plot Thickens: The Triggering Event (My Colonoscopy) (March 2018)

To start, the doctor ordered a CT scan of my intestines to start, finding a presentation of a “Megacolon” and “Autoimmune bowel,” and advising we do a colonoscopy to do some deeper digging to see what, if any, autoimmune diseases were present as well as any blockage or structural issues preventing me from absorbing nutrients and restoring bowel function.

In addition, I had a full blood panel done and hormone panel, and the results revealed:

Iron Overload

Low Thyroid Function

Low Vitamin D

SUPER High Cortisol

Low Sex Hormones (practically NO testosterone, estrogen, progesterone)

By the end of March, “C-Day” (“colonoscopy day”) arrived (and so did countless health side effects from this invasive procedure).

Colonscopies: More Harm Than Good

Colonoscopies have become one of the most prescribed outpatient procedures in America with more than 15-million performed each year (1) (CDC, 2016), and are only growing in prevalence.

While only about 50% of adults, ages 50-75, who “should have” colonoscopies comply with recommended guidelines, in 2018, the National Colorectal Cancer Roundtable (a group of public and private organizations) aims to raise the percentage of people screened for colorectal cancer to 80%.

And although colonoscopies are thought to be “necessary” for detecting “gut issues”—particularly colon cancer—they actually may be more detrimental than good.

In fact, according to Dr. Mercola and Dr. Michael Greger, about 1 in every 350 colonoscopies end up doing serious harm.

I am a case study example.

Colonoscopy: Little Known Side Effects

Common (little known) side effects from this invasive bacteria with a scope include:

Perforation (puncturing) of the intestines (Gatto et al, 2003) (2)

Dysbiosis (imbalanced gut bacteria) (Lorenzo et al, 2016) (3)

Infection with another person’s gut bacteria

Eradication of healthy gut bacteria from prep (Lorenzo et al, 2016) (3)

Electrolyte, bacteria and blood sugar imbalances (from the “prep diet” and extreme cleansing that is mandated) (Shobar et al, 2016) (4) (Mai et al, 2006) (5)

The result?

A gut microbiome that is “worse” off then prior to the colonoscopy.

Given that our gut bacteria and our gut itself is the “gateway” to health, if our gut bacteria gets off (or even MORE off), then you can bet your bottom dollar, other body systems get “off” by “imbalanced.”

Healthy gut bacteria or unhealthy gut bacteria determine whether the following body mechanisms are healthy or unhealthy, including:

Gut Bacteria Govern Our Health

Immune function (disease, skin) (Oregon State University, 2013) (6) (Nanjundappa et al, 2017) (7)

Digestion (Lawrence, 2017) (8) (Kim et al, 2012) (9)

Heart/cardiac function (Tang et al, 2017) (10)

Weight and metabolism (Filip et al, 2018) (11)

Blood sugar regulation (Kumamoto University, 2018) (12)

Brain health (anxiety (Hoban et al, 2017) (13), depression (Clapp, 2017) (14) and memory (Lund University, 2017) (15)

Adrenal health (i.e. “HPA-Axis” affecting hormones, cortisol and thyroid) (Konturek et al, 2011) (16) (Cryan et al, 2011) (17)

Exercise progress (or plateaus) (Clarke et al, 2014) (18)

Headaches (Gonzalez et al, 2016) (19)

Attention/ADHD/ADD (Carmen et al, 2017) (20)

Cancer (Fellows et al, 2018) (21)

A better option than colonoscopies?

Stool testing—Addressing gut bacteria and gut health itself—prior to looking for structural issues with a scope. (Bullman et al, 2017) (21)

Since gut bacteria, gut infections, parasites and bacterial imbalances determine whether you get cancer, IBS or autoimmune disease in the first place, comprehensive stool analysis, like this one by Doctors Data or this one by GI Map, can be tremendously helpful in assessing “underlying issues.” Additionally, organic acids testing, SIBO breath testing and even a new blood test (Tsai et al, 2018) can give you more information as well.

(This is something a GI doc won’t typically tell you).

Me: Post Colonoscopy (April-May 2018)

My colonoscopy was the “straw” that broke the camel’s back —accumulating the past 3 years of stress in one fatal swoop on “C-Day” (colonoscopy day).

The “prep diet” was too much for my already-weakened body to handle (i.e. clear liquid fasting). Couple NOT eating all day with a full bottle of Miralax laxative powder, laxative tablets and all afternoon on the toilet, and by midnight that night, I was “far gone.”

Walking up the stairs to go to bed, I blacked out—passing out on the floor, and eliminating more bowels.

It took me about a minute to come to, as I don’t remember what happened, and strewn on the floor, my body started convulsing and trembling, my teeth chattering, and all I remember is asking my mom for a banana—some potassium.

Ten minutes later, the ambulance was there, and I was hooked up to IV fluids, EKG monitor and a blood pressure cuff on my way to Dell Seton Medical.

“Electrolyte imbalance,” the ER doc diagnosed, and by 4 a.m., my mom and I were back out the door to prepare for my 5 a.m. colonoscopy arrival time.

I went through with the procedure, but little did I realize the “health issues” were not over, as my body spent the next 5-6 weeks trying to recover from the stressful event, inclusive to:

2 more ER visits (for “electrolyte imbalances” and hypoglycemia)

3 urgent care visits for more fluids and blood work

A GI Doctor office that would not return my phone calls post-procedure

A severe acute allergic reaction to a cat that moved in with a new roommate

Blood sugar highs and crashes

And more than a handful of diagnoses, speculations and prescriptions from docs trying to figure out what was going on, including: Asthma, Type I Diabetes, obstructed respiratory system, low sodium, iron overload, and…adrenal insufficiency (aka: “adrenal fatigue” or “HPA Axis Dysfunction”).

Adrenal Insufficiency (aka: HPA Axis Dysfunction)

Adrenal insufficiency (aka adrenal fatigue—or “HPA Axis Dysfunction”) IS real, and although our bodies are resilient to handle stress, if TOO MUCH stress happens at once, or a SUPER STRESSFUL event sets you over the edge, then HPA Axis Dysfunction is a byproduct.

The result?

Complete body imbalance.

The news was really no new news to me. It was more like an “A ha!” moment.

A ha! This is EXACTLY what I had been experiencing all along, I thought.

I could talk about adrenal insufficiency or HPA Axis Dysfunction ALL DAY LONG. I could write about it and educate others about it.

However, when it came to looking at myself in the mirror and facing the facts that I had NOT been taking myself…easier said than done. (It is like the nail salon technician that paints everyone else’s nails—but their own).

Flat on my back, in a hospital bed in the ER after an emergency trip due to a 3 a.m. hypoglycemic blood crash after a friend’s wedding in Dallas was the wakeup call I needed.

For the past two years, (ever since my symptoms of SIBO, gut dysfunction and other health maladies had begun), my prayers had been:

“Lord, be Lord over my body,”

“Lord, bring the manna and balance to my life,” and,

“God, help restore my body to health and help me put on healthy weight.”

Be careful what you pray for.

Never in a million years did I think that my “answer” to my prayer would be in the form of a blood sugar crash, but it was the wake up call I needed.

It was as if God was saying: “Lauryn, you DON’T have to save the world…I have already done enough.” And, “Instead of trying to bring glory to yourself, bring glory to me. Live out the gifts I’ve created and let me provide the rest.”

Mic drop.

I spent the rest of the weekend, praying, thinking and broken. I didn’t want to go back to my hamster wheel ways.

And you know what…I didn’t have to. I don’t have to. And whatever plates you are spinning or race you are running too…You don’t have to either.

How HPA Axis Dysfunction Happens

So…how did my body get SO out of whack in the first place?! How does HPA Axis Dysfunction REALLY happen?

In functional medicine, there is typically a “triggering event” that sets the body “over the edge” for HPA Axis Dysfunction and distress.

In my case: the colonoscopy (on top of the past 3 years of stress) resulted in disrupted gut bacteria, along with my side effects:

My Side Effects of HPA Axis Dysfunction

“Diabetes,” hypothyroidism

Unwanted weight loss and inability to gain weight

Suppressed immune function

Autoimmune disease

Feeling “wired and tired”

Shortness of breath

Hormone imbalances

Apathy about my work

IBS

Poor workout performance

Electrolyte imbalances

Melancholy mood

…And, to say the least, an entrepreneur who was anything BUT her healthiest, most vibrant, kick-ass self.

Other Side Effects of HPA Axis Dysfunction

For others, “adrenal fatigue” or HPA-Axis Dysfunction may present as one or several of the following:

Inability to lose weight

Mood swings

Fatigue

Anxiety or Depression

Autoimmune conditions

Food intolerances

Insomnia

Needing coffee or sugar to function

Headaches

High blood pressure

Low or high heart rate

Feeling dizzy when standing up

Inability to concentrate/focus or memory loss

Lyme disease

Catching colds, flus or illnesses easily

Not “feeling like yourself”

Skin breakouts or acne

Feeling burned out or unable to do your usual basic “to dos”

Inability to tolerate exercise like you once did

Random allergies you’ve never had before

How does adrenal fatigue happen to one person but not another? What separates “adrenal fatigue,” or HPA Axis Dysfunction from regular stress?

Check out this blog to find out ALL about adrenal fatigue and HPA Axis Dysfunction, how to find out if you have it and how you (and I) can heal.

Resources

1. CDC. 2016. Colorectal Cancer Screening Capacity in the United States

2. Nicolle M. Gatto, Harold Frucht, Vijaya Sundararajan, Judith S. Jacobson, Victor R. Grann, Alfred I. Neugut; Risk of Perforation After Colonoscopy and Sigmoidoscopy: A Population-Based Study, JNCI: Journal of the National Cancer Institute, Volume 95, Issue 3, 5 February 2003, Pages 230–236,

3. Lorenzo et al. 2016. Persisting changes of intestinal microbiota after bowel lavage and colonoscopy

4. Shobar et al. 2016. The Effects of Bowel Preparation on Microbiota-Related Metrics Differ in Health and in Inflammatory Bowel Disease and for the Mucosal and Luminal Microbiota Compartments.

5. Mai, V., Greenwald, B., Glenn Morris, J., Raufman, J., & Stine, O. C. (2006). Effect of bowel preparation and colonoscopy on post‐procedure intestinal microbiota composition. Gut, 55(12), 1822–1823.

6. Immune: Oregon State University. (2013, September 16). Gut microbes closely linked to proper immune function, other health issues. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018

7. Immune: Nanjundappa et al, 2017. A Gut Microbial Mimic that Hijacks Diabetogenic Autoreactivity to Suppress Colitis.

8. Digestion: Lawrence, K., & Hyde, J. (2017). Microbiome restoration diet improves digestion, cognition and physical and emotional wellbeing. PLoS ONE, 12(6), e0179017.

9. Digestion: Gene Kim, Fnu Deepinder, Walter Morales, Laura Hwang, Stacy Weitsman, Christopher Chang, Robert Gunsalus, Mark Pimentel. Methanobrevibacter smithii Is the Predominant Methanogen in Patients with Constipation-Predominant IBS and Methane on Breath. Digestive Diseases and Sciences, 2012; DOI: 10.1007/s10620-012-2197-1

10. Heart: Tang et al, 2017. Gut Microbiota in Cardiovascular Health and Disease

11. Weight: Filip Ottosson, Louise Brunkwall, Ulrika Ericson, Peter M Nilsson, Peter Almgren, Céline Fernandez, Olle Melander, Marju Orho-Melander. Connection between BMI related plasma metabolite profile and gut microbiota. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 01 February 2018 DOI: 10.1210/jc.2017-02114/4834036

12. Blood Sugar: Kumamoto University. (2018, April 10). How intestinal bacteria can affect your blood sugar and lipid levels. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180410100937.htm

13. Anxiety: Alan E. Hoban, Roman M. Stilling, Gerard M. Moloney, Rachel D. Moloney, Fergus Shanahan, Timothy G. Dinan, John F. Cryan, Gerard Clarke. Microbial regulation of microRNA expression in the amygdala and prefrontal cortex. Microbiome, 2017; 5 (1) DOI: 10.1186/s40168-017-0321-3

14. Depression: Clapp, M., Aurora, N., Herrera, L., Bhatia, M., Wilen, E., & Wakefield, S. (2017). Gut microbiota’s effect on mental health: The gut-brain axis. Clinics and Practice, 7(4), 987.

15. Memory: Lund University. (2017, February 10). Gut bacteria may play a role in Alzheimer’s disease. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018 from

16. Adrenal Health: Konturek, P. C., Brzozowski, T., & Konturek, S. J. (2011). Stress and the gut: pathophysiology, clinical consequences, diagnostic approach and treatment options. Journal of physiology and pharmacology : an official journal of the Polish Physiological Society, 6, 591–599

17. Adrenal Health: Cryan, J. F., & O’Mahony, S. M. (2011). The microbiome-gut-brain axis: From bowel to behavior. Neurogastroenterology & Motility, 23(3), 187–192. doi:10.1111/j.1365–2982.2010.01664.x

18. Exercise: Clarke, S. F., Murphy, E. F., O’sullivan, O., Lucey, A. J., Humphreys, M., Hogan, A., . . . Cotter, P. D. (2014). Exercise and associated dietary extremes impact on gut microbial diversity. Gut, 63(12), 1913–1920.

19, Headaches: Antonio Gonzalez, Embriette Hyde, Naseer Sangwan, Jack A. Gilbert, Erik Viirre, Rob Knight. Migraines Are Correlated with Higher Levels of Nitrate-, Nitrite-, and Nitric Oxide-Reducing Oral Microbes in the American Gut Project Cohort. mSystems Oct 2016, 1 (5) e00105-16; DOI: 10.1128/mSystems.00105-16

20, Attention: Carmen Cenit, María & Campillo Nuevo, Isabel & codoñer-franch, Pilar & G. Dinan, Timothy & Sanz, Yolanda. (2017). Gut microbiota and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: new perspectives for a challenging condition. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. 26. 10.1007/s00787-017-0969-z.

21. Cancer: Fellows et al. 2018. Microbiota derived short chain fatty acids promote histone crotonylation in the colon through histone deacetylases. Nature. 9(105). doi:10.1038/s41467-017-02651-5.

Tsai et al. 2018. Prospective clinical study of circulating tumor cells for colorectal cancer screening. Journal of Clinical Oncology. 36, no. 4_suppl. 556-556… DOI: 10.1200/JCO.2018.36.4_suppl.556.

22. 6. Bullman et al. 2017. Analysis of Fusobacterium persistence and antibiotic response in colorectal cancer. DOI: 10.1126/science.aal5240

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