#not depressed over the ex but like i always feel happier when i have a purpose like loving someone idk? does that make sense. like

[sharpmouth]

need to get better about keeping up with my daily journal. i went months without writing in it after my most recent breakup and now its difficult for me to get back into the habit.

[canyonmooncreations]

Call Me

Summary: Y/n calls her best friend, Simon, when her boyfriend finally pushes things too far.

Characters: BestFriend!Simon x reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Author’s Note: Purely self indulgent, fuck ex boyfriends 

Warnings: mean/potentially abusive boyfriend, tears, mentions of violence

You and your boyfriend, Ben, had been on and off for over a year. It was always up and down, happy and sad. He was a little controlling but was always sweet after. He was angry but also super patient. So hard to predict, it was draining. The only person you can really talk to is your best friend Simon. He was always supportive and always listening no matter what time you called. He supported you rather he agreed with your decision to go back to your boyfriend or not. And you were always in touch with Simon even if your boyfriend was not a fan of “that freak”.

You had recently just graduated from the college where you met Ben and moved to a town that was in the middle of him, Simon, and your family. You had finally gotten your own space and had started the big girl job of your dreams. You couldn’t be happier…. Until it started. 

Your boyfriend was an hour and a half away and with this new space it felt like he had grown a whole new confidence. He was always starting fights and nothing you did was good enough for him. You tried to be happy, but it just seemed like you couldn’t win. Simon knew about what was happening, you called him often to talk about it all. Simon was so supportive and validating your feelings when you needed him most. You used to have the biggest crush on Simon, but you knew you never had a chance with a guy like him. You settled on being friends and then you met Ben. But Simon was the only person you wanted right now.

What you didn’t know was that every time you called him his heart skipped a beat. Simon knew you were just friends and he would never have a chance with a girl like you so he settled for being your best friend. Every time you mentioned Ben, his blood boiled and his fist clenched. He wanted nothing but for you to be happy. Ben was so bad for you. Simon knew Ben read through all of your text messages, so he encouraged you to call him just to be safe. Ben was not typically violent, but Simon knew the patterns and knew it was coming. Of course he couldn’t tell you this because he knew you wouldn’t listen until you were ready for it on your own time. 

What Simon also knew was that your freshman year of college was nothing but depression and alcohol. He was hopeful but knew something bad with Ben could send you down the spiral. He was always waiting for that call to come. The call where you would need him the most. That call finally came. 

Simon was working around his flat, doing some, his least favorite, when his phone rang. It was y/n. The picture he had chosen for you was a picture he had taken at an arcade with you smiling silly holding up the bear you had won (with his tickets). 

“Hey lovey”

“Simon, I- I-”

“What’s wrong?”

“Simon, we got in a big fight and he said he was coming over and I am really scared that he --”

“I am on my way.”

“Simon, no. I live like an hour away from you.”

“I will be there in 45 minutes.”

“Simon! It is an hour drive.”

“Fine. I’ll be there in 30.” 

He hung up at that as you giggled and sniffled. You knew you shouldn’t call him. He probably gets so annoyed hearing all of your problems. But, he was your support system. You decided you would wait for him, right where you were, the bathroom floor. Simon has an apartment key, he can let himself in.

Your head kept racing with thoughts. Was Ben worth it? Was it worth the heartache? What would you tell your friend if they were in your shoes? Did you deserve this? You didn’t think you were the best girlfriend. 

Before you knew it you were sobbing and curling into a towel on your bathroom floor. Too busy crying, you didn’t hear the door open. It was a pitiful sight really and Simon was saddened by what he saw. The world’s most beautiful girl sobbing on her bathroom floor over a boy who didn’t deserve her at all. 

‘“Oh, love.” Simon lowered himself to the floor right beside you. He pulled your head into his lap and ran his fingers through your hair. This was the most soft, innocent touch you had felt in a while. You only cried harder at the thought of someone loving you like they should. You both stayed on the floor until the sobbing subsided after some time had passed. 

“Y/n, can we move this to your bed? This floor can’t be comfy.”

“It is comfier than walking to my bed.” You sniffled as you spoke and this broke his heart. 

“Okay, then….” you felt him set your head back on the towel and his body raise off the floor. You looked at him with confusion as he bent down to pick you up. You giggled as he carried you to your bed. You loved being carried but Ben refused to because it was “childish”. You smacked Simon’s arm as he put you in bed.

“Si, why did you do that?”

“A pretty girl like you should not be crying on the bathroom floor. You will cry in a comfy pillow castle.” He situated your pillows just the way he knew you loved them.

You only smiled at him. You got cozy in bed as Simon walked into the kitchen. The thoughts started racing and the tears started to fall. What if Ben was really coming to “settle this in person and show you who is in charge”. It felt like such a threat, your worst fear coming true. Simon walked back into the bedroom with a juice box and some animal crackers, your favorite.

“What’s the matter?” Simon approached the bed slowly, not sure where your mental state was and how frightened you could be.

“What if he shows up tonight? What if he tries to come inside?”

“Does he have a key?”

“No.”

“Good. Either way, I will be sleeping on the couch and can beat his ass, easily and with pleasure. So nothing to worry about. You’ll be all safe here, princess.”

You only smiled at him as you took the snacks softly. Simon always calls you nicknames, but never this one. You ate your snacks in silence as Simon started to put away your laundry. He knew you hated doing laundry, it was your least favorite chore. It is actually his least favorite too, but he told you it was his favorite and for you, it was. Ben always called you lazy and gross for not putting your laundry away right as it came out of the dryer.

“I can do that.”

“I know.” Simon gave you a reassuring smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. It’s stupid. I am probably overreacting.”

“Your feelings are valid y/n, no matter what you are feeling. I will listen if you want me to. If not, we can talk about anything else.”

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Of course”  You could see that Simon was so excited and you knew he would even let you pick the movie. (Ben would never)

“We can watch… hmmm… I can’t pick.”

“Slasher…”

“Simon! No! You know I hate scary movies. Let’s watch Zootopia.”

“Anything for you.”

You got the movie set up as Simon grabbed some more snacks. You loved these simple moments with Simon. You knew he wouldn’t get angry with you for moving the wrong way, or eating too many snacks. He was simply there in peace. You felt yourself getting tired as the movie played and the tears were about to come back. 

“Simon?”

“Yes, love.”

“Will you… hold me? No, that’s silly. I’m sorry. Forget I even asked.” You buried your face in your hands and the tears just started flowing. 

“Y/n.” He guided your head out of your hands as he wiped your tears. “I would love to hold you. You are not alone in this and I promise you are safe.”

Simon moved so you could comfortably be little spoon, which he knows you love because you always talk about it. He helped move your pillows and got you comfy. He never thought this moment would come. Of course, you had hugged and sat close together, but not like this. You were so vulnerable with all the raw emotions, and you chose him to hold you. With you in his arms, he wanted nothing more than to protect you from the world, and especially from Ben. 

“Thank you, Si.”

“Get some rest and we can talk about everything in the morning. I promise you’ll be safe tonight.” 

He rubbed your side and you cuddled in closer to him. You felt so safe. He felt at home, a feeling he has never felt before. He glanced at you as slept in his arms and couldn’t help but smile and be sad at the same time. You didn’t deserve this pain. You deserved a life of nothing but love and joy. A life he intended to give to you, if you let him. 

[cornyforjk]

Your quite treason | JJK

ᥫ᭡pairing: married exbsf!jungkook x female reader 

ᥫ᭡genre: ex best friends, forbidden love , angst rating: 16+

ᥫ᭡warnings: drug and alcohol usage, mentions of cheating, swearing, depressed, obsession, crying and all that stupid stuff.

ᥫ᭡word count: around 20K (ik it's too much but i couldn't control my feelings 😩)

ᥫ᭡summary: Your love for Jeon Jungkook was ruining your life.

ᥫ᭡inspiration: Fortnight by The Motherr Taylor Swift (ft.Post Malone)

ᥫ᭡listen to: Fortnight by The Motherr Taylor Swift (ft.Post Malone), happier by Olivia Rodrigo

ᥫ᭡Author's note: AHHHH, okay, woof. This is the first ever fanfic I'll post, tho I've written many but never posted. Please bare if there's any grammatical mistake and if my writing feels too much.

Show some love and your suggestions are welcome in the comment section 😗

____________________________________

Hello Mrs. Park, how have you been?" You turn around to find Minji, speaking to you while watering the flowers of her front garden.

Minji, Jeon Minji. She always made you feel like the worst person, tho she never meant it. In fact,she's the sweetest and the kindest person you've ever known. And that's why, she's in the position you've always dreamed to be in. That's why she has the man you've always dreamt of.

And the fact, you can never be her nor in her position, makes you feel like the worst person on this earth.

"Hello, Mrs. Jeon, I've been doing just fine. How about you? " Tho your tongue burnt on the feeling of reffering her by the title,you still held up a smile. A smile behind which no one could see the pain. "I'm great, actually! But you, Mrs. Park, you look unwell." You sensed the concern to be genuine and you hated that. "Oh yeah, just tired from work. Yk it's too much these days." You replied, not wanting her to noticing anything wrong with you. "Ah, I understand. Work can get stressful, but I'm sure everything will get tell well soon." She smiles at you, and you see another reason why she's deserves the title more.

You smile back at her and thank her before leaving towards your house, your insides burning with the urge to kill her right then.

"There's a new couple shifting in the house behind ours" Jaehyun, your husband says while he's eating his breakfast. "Oh, in the Jung's? Didn't think they'll actually sell it" You reply, as you pack your lunch, not really caring for the fact. You forgot about it and the new info never crossed your mind once in the day.

It was when the bell rang and you opened the door only to face the new neighbors. Him, Oh god, It's him. Your excitement died the next second when you saw a very pretty women standing right beside him, her arm wrapped around his. "Oh-Oh hey Y/N. I totally didn't expect you! " His face evident with surprise. "You know her, babe?" The woman asked him. "Yeah, hun. She's a college friend. " That's when you felt your heart clench tightly.

Jeon Jungkook, the guy who you've been loving since your collage days even when you got married. The guy you thought of every night before you slept, the guy you thought about when woke up in the morning, the guy you thought about everytime when you ate icecream. Jeon Jungkook, was your friend who you trusted with your life. But now, he was just a stranger you know everything about. (Stranger by the loml Olivia Rodrigo, but the oc isn't over kookie😩)

"H-Hi. How are you J-Jungkook." You couldn't believe it. You've cried so many nights for him. Praying to get back in his arms, have him in your life as anyone, if not a lover. But now that he comes back, he's married. And very happily, you can see.

"I'm doing very well, Y/N. This is Jeon Minji, my wife. We have just shifted in the house right behind your backyard. So nice to see you again." You could feel your eyes pinch with pain, but you tried your best to pull up a bright smile. You can do this, you're very good at hiding feelings. Come on Y/N. "

I'm so happy to see you too. And hello Minji, nice to meet you. Well come in you both. " You move aside for them to come in but the refuse by saying, " It's fine, Y/N. We were just her to Introduce, but guess we don't need to do that. " Minji chuckles and continues, "But we'll see you soon. Have a good night. " She smiles at you, and you feel your legs tickling with jealousy. "You too have a good night, and please don't hesitate if you need any help in shifting. Both me and my husband are willing to help."

You fail to notice Jungkook stiffen as he's reminded that you're married too. He doesn't know why but he's always been uneasy with you being in a relationship and he has no idea why.

Both of them agree and leave after a short goodbye. You shut the door and you suddenly feel all the strength leaving your body. You collapse against the main door, still not believing everything that happened. All the memories that you were burying, we're now out of your control . You could hear his voice, feel his touch and his warmth. Tears made their way out of your eyes as you cry silently.

You unlock the main door to your house as you get inside. It's been so long since they've moved but you can't get yourself to move on. You reach the kitchen to grab a can of bear in an attempt to calm yourself down. But nothing seems to work, every drink or drug, leaves only a temporary effect. You continue loving jungkook even when you're high. You decide to take a cold shower when you hear the main door open again, only to see your shitty husband entering.

Jaehyun, both as a husband and a person, might be the worst guy you've ever met. You don't understand how he's able to lie on your face so smoothly. If you had control, you would have never married him. But fate and your parents had a different plan for you.

Around 2 months ago, your friend Sarah sent you a picture of Jaehyun with a girl sitting on his lap, and they were heavily making out. You didn't feel any pain in your heart but only shame, it felt like he had stepped hard on your dignity, your self respect. He made you feel like the most undeserving person, and he definitely did that intentionaly.

Ever since then, you've never started and conversation with him, disgusted to even look at him. And you guess, it makes it easier for him to leave the house whenever and stay at the girl's place. But you don't bring yourself to care, your mind always drift to jungkook and his very happy married life.

They're living their best lives, the typical rom-com like love life. Jungkook never leaves without a kiss with his wife. And Minji is always ready to welcome him by door when it's time for him to return.

When you had the same time routine, you always witnessed them being the happiest around each other and you had to change your timings. You couldn't bare seeing them being all lovey-dovey, so you leave for work earlier and arrive back home later.

"Y/N? " You were too drunk to hear him calling you. He called you out a few times before his hands reach your right arm to turn you around. "What the fuck!" You slurred, your drunkenness now evident to jungkook. "What are you doing here Y/N?? " He asks you with a strict voice, which soon melts when he sees you pout. "Kook, oh it's you thank god. I thought It was some guy again. " You said slowly as you moved closer to him. You were too drunk and high to remember the argument you had earlier. "Let's get you home Y/N. Don't you have morning classes tomorrow,hm? " He speaks very softly, as is talking to a kid. You mover your side to side, disagreeing with him and then you say, "Noo, let's have another drink and dance. I missed youuu" You wrap your arms around his neck, as your pouts grows even more. He chuckles while holding your waist just as tightly as you're holding him.

He agrees with you and empties the red cup you were having rum and coke in. Both of you weren't a fan of frat parties but whenever you're both together, everything feels the best. Jungkook's breathe fans over your neck as you both dance along On the floor by JLo.

When the chorus of the song starts you along with most of the other girls turn around to twerk along, as if it's a mandatory ritual. Jungkook's cheeks and ears turn bright pink as your ass grazed his crotch a few times while dancing and he wishes you don't notice. You turn back around to hold him again because when you weren't, you felt a certain type of coldness even when you're in bw so many people. His warmth was something which can get you just as high as a joint.

Both of you melted in each other's arms and stayed that way for so long, you didn't even know what song was playing now. "Mhmm, kookie can i kiss you? Just once I promise. " Jungkook wanted it, he wanted you to kiss him forever but he knew it's not safe for your friendship. He can't let his feelings over take him because he knows you only see him as a friend (who you might kiss sometimes 🤭) but how can he say no to you, especially when you're being so cute and adorable. So he decides to fuck it and bend down to kiss you. He captures your lips in a kiss as you both make out in the middle of the crowd. Jungkook felt like the luckiest person ever to have you like this. He has always been so happy that you're open to him with your feelings and uhm.

And you felt similar, just as euphoric and wanted this moment to last forever. Oh, how you wish to have him in all the ways possible. Even pray for it at every 11:11 you notice. And everything feels so good with him around. You were so in love with him but you knew he wasn't.

He has always been the best friend, the bestest you could ask for. But best friends can never be together, thec can never have feelings for each other because it always results in heartbreaks.

And so it did, both of yours heart broke quite terribly. When jungkook had to leave for USA after he got a job placement but he told you about it just 2 days before. Out of anger, you didn't talk to him neither did you come to see him off at the airport. Both of you were hurt, and you both had your reasons.

Next morning when you were returning from a morning run, you ran into Jungkook by the mail box. "Good Morning, Y/N" He wishes you and you just wanted to jump in his arms. "Oh, Good Morning to you too Jungkook! " You wished him back trying to match his level of energy. "How have you been? " You ask him further.

"I've been great, what about you? "

"I'm doing well too. " You reply, knowing you always feel well around him. "Good to hear that. The weather has been terrible these days" He says, trying to start a conversation.

"Yeah, ikr. It's so hot these days,even when it's just February." You both continue talking about random things when he invites you and Jaehyun over for dinner.

"Thank you for the invite, but i don't think Jaehyun will be able to make it, he comes back late these days. " You say and Jungkook could sense your hesitation on the topic of your husband. And ofc, him being the kindest human being , he asked, "oh, btw, is everything fine between you both? Minji mentioned you being very stressed these days. You know you can always reach out. " with concern evident in his eyes.

It became difficult to maintain an eye contact because you both know how terrible you're at lying to him. "W-well, yeah everything is fine between us" You say, your eyes roaming everywhere but jungkook. He knows that's not the truth so he persuades, "Y/N, yk you can't lie to me so tell me what's up? " When you finally meet his eyes, you feel like crying.

He thinks your misery is because of your husband but who's gonna tell him that he's the reason. He's why you're suffering, he's why you're depressed and he's the reason of your misery. You give him a little smile, and when you're about to continue, you get a phone call from your husband. "Uhh, I'll have to take this up. " You tell him and he says, "okay Y/N, I'll get going but please ask for any help that you need, hm? " With that you both smile at each other and leave.

"What? " You ask Jaehyun. "You're not at home? Where are you? " You turn around and see him at the main door. You scoff realising that he's coming back from that girl's place and you want to kill him right there.

It had been a week since you met him and now you were walking towards their house around 10pm. Your dad had been calling since morning but you couldn't answer his once . Though you're high as fuck but you can't find your phone, and that's why you're going to jungkook's place to ask for any of theirs phone.

You ring the bell and wait there for a few seconds. The gate opens and you're met with a just out of shower Jungkook. Your breathe hitches and you feel your cheeks burning. He's just as hot. "Umm, hi Y/N.all good? " He speaks, breaking your trance.

"Oh hellooo" You give him a 90° bow which startles him "I'm good how are youu? " Your words trail of as your brain suddenly feels numb. "Wait- are you drunk? " He recognises your drunken voice but you deny him by saying,

"Noooo. I'm not drunkk I'm Highh hehe" You start giggling and it confuses hi even more "I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, but i need your phone." You pout, and jungkook feels like he's floating. He knows how it is, but your pout still softens him. "Come inside, it's cold. "

"Your wife isn't at home? " You ask him to which he replies, "no she's out with her friends for drinks."

"Oh cool"

You get inside his house and are amazed how pretty they've made it. This place screams jungkook and it feels so much like home. "So what brings you here? " He asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Ohh yeahh my phone was calling and I need to call him back but i can't find my dad" You pout again. This time he chuckles, laughing at your words.

"You can't find your dad?" His lips pulling into his iconic bunny smile.

"Yeahh, I can't find my dad. Can you give me your dad so i can call my dad, pleaseeee"

"Here you go, here's my dad" If you both were still young , he would've have teased you a lot. But you both have grown up and even though he wanted to, he couldn't.

"Thank you so muchhhh" You busy yourself dialing your no. when he asked you, "where's your husband tho? "

You were trying so hard to dial your no. correct, that you didn't realize when you said, "he's probably at his girlfriend's. "

"What"

"Holy fuck"

"Shit shit, you didn't hear anything" Your eyes widen with horror and you scolded yourself internally. "Wait fr? Jaehyun's cheating on you? And you know that?? " His eye balls almost out of the sockets, shock evident in his voice.

"Uhh, no no, Yk I'm-im drunk, don't mind that" You tried to play it off but jungkook wouldn't even budge. "Y/N, ik you're telling the truth, you don't have to lie to me. " His eyes full of concern and once again you feel your brain going numb. And you were starting to feel sober, which was even worse.

"Uhmm, I'll have to take your phone over so i can listen to my phone ring. " You ran quickly in an attempt to save yourself from further embarrassment.

Later in your room, you find your phone in your bathroom floor (you have no idea why) And now you have to return jungkook's phone back to him.

You gather so courage and reach his house. You plan on giving it to him and leaving right after thanking him.

And you did so, but after you turned around to leave, he held you arm in an attempt to turn you back. "Y/N, please talk to me. How long have you known this? " You see genuine concern in his eyes and feek like hugging him and crying on his chest.

"Uhh, just let it be jungkook."

"No, tell me. " His voice stern now.

"Why do you even care. It's nine of your business"

"But i just can't see you get hurt. " His voice soft again.

You looked in his eyes, and scoffed. "You can't se me hurt? Of all the hurt I've ever experienced, you have been one reason every fucking time. And you can't see me hurt? Wow"

Jungkook's face falls,but that doesn't stop you. "You fucking hurt me more than anyone does. I don't even care jaehyun's cheating one. It doesn't hurt me. But you do. You hurt me so much that i can't even feel any other pain. " Your voice now louder. Your eyes pinch with pain, tears threatening to fall. But no, you can't do this, not in front of him at least.

"How do i hurt you? " His voice low like a whisper. "Good question Jungkook. You wanna know how you hurt me? How don't wanna know since when you've been hurting me? "

"Y/N you're still mad at what happened almost 10 years ago? " A frown appears on his face and his tone makes you feel as if you're at fault.

"I wouldn't have been if it didn't affect me so much. And why do expect me to not? You told me fucking 2 days before you were leaving for Florida? You never called while you were there. You were living your life and here I was dying. I was suffering." Years finally rolled down your cheeks. And jungkook wanted to wile them down and hug you to make you feel better.

But he was feeling the similar frustration you were feeling. And it became evident when he said, " You weren't the only one Y/N! I was also hurt. You didn't even come to see me off at the airport even when I texted-begged you over text. I wanted to apologize you that day and tell you something important. But you decided to be egoistic and didn't come. And that's why I never called. Even when I was in utter need of help and support, I couldn't call you. Because I lost the level of trust and I knew you won't even pick up. "

His word felt like slap. He's right, you were being a bitch when you didn't meet of on the last day, but you were mad too. "I would have, I was missing you so much, I would have definitely. I would have caught the first flight to Florida only to be with you again." Your words were now slurred due to your crying, when you finally broke and jungkook felt like crying too.

"I know it's wrong, it's so so so wrong but I can't help myself. I can't control myself" You covered your face as you cried even harder. And when you felt his arms engulfing you, you couldn't hepl but wrap your arms around him too. Jungkook stands there caressing your back while he himself cries silently.

"It's so wrong I still can't move on-" Jungkook's heart picks up speed. He's not ready for this. You suddenly pulll away from him and wipe your tears. "I'll get going jungkook. " You left before you could do something that maight ruin not one but many hearts.

And for the next few weeks you so neither jungkook nor his wife and you were very glad for it. It was untill one Tuesday morning when you swa both of them in front of their house. And they were not kissing or anything but arguing? You heard Minji saying, "what has happened to you? You're so distant these days kook. You don't even kiss me a goodbye??" To which jungkook replies, "it's nothing baby, I'm just stressed with work and things are getting lost in the back of me brain. Come here lemme kiss you" You were shocked when you heard Minji saying "No, you're first gonna tell me who else you're so in love with"

"What the hell, Minji? Why would you say that? " Jungkook was just as shocked. You didn't want to hear anything further so you stepped out of the fence and that's when Minji calls you out. "Mrs.Park! Good morning!"

And hearing your name from her mouth, Jungkook's eyes light up and he turns around quickly to look at you. He couldn't control but then he blurted out, "Nice sweater, Y/N."

Minji called you out to check something and she was right. She was right. "Oh Good morning, Jeon fam. And thank you Jungkook. Hope you guys have a nice day!" You wished them and hurriedly left.

And so did Minji. Jungkook was left standing there.

It took him 2 minutes to finally understand how he reacted and complimented you which was totally out of his mind.

And he finally realises how fucked up he is.

[altocat]

all 50 of those Honest fave character prompts for Sephiroth

( @izunias-meme-hole )

........*cracks knuckles* OKAY.

1. Do you project onto this character?

All the time, every day. Like Sephiroth, I can often be avoidant, depressed, and overly attached to my loved ones. The struggle is real lmao

2. Did you always like this character?

Before falling into fandom hell, I didn't really notice him much other than Kingdom Hearts stuff. Or the occasional thirst post online.

3. What first drew you to this character?

Crisis Core making him a sad soft baby that everyone is mean to lmao

4. Did you initially dislike/hate this character?

No. I always thought he had a cool design and a badass voice.

5. If this character were a woman, would you honestly still like them? Or in reverse, what if they were a man?

Of course! Sephiroth is a fascinating character regardless. His backstory is very unique and I don't think that would change.

6. Do you have any nicknames or pet names you use for this character?

I mostly just call him Seph. Sometimes Kittyroth. Sometimes "Mr. Compassion" whenever I'm being sarcastic about him. And sometimes just SMUGFUCK because that's what he is.

7. Does the character’s age matter to you?

Nah. Like I said, he's a fascinating character regardless.

8. Does the character’s looks/design matter to you?

I feel like there are certain aspects of his character that you NEED to keep in--his catlike pupils, silver hair, etc. They are plot-related indicators of his heritage and genetics. Thirstposts aside, they are reminder that he is a lab-grown monster with alien blood running through his veins.

9. Does this character remind you of anyone you know? Does that affect how you see them?

Not really. Seph is pretty unique. And honestly I'd rather not know someone like him irl lolol

10. Do you see yourself in this character even without projecting?

Physically? Hell no. Emotionally? Sometimes. But that's on rare occasions where we can actually tell what he's thinking and feeling.

11. How did you “fall in love” with this character?

Watching Crisis Core cutscenes one rainy night in 2021.

12. If you could write effortlessly and as much as you wanted, what story (s) would you write for this character?

AU Redemption arc trilogy in which Zack and Aerith save Sephiroth from himself and he dismantles Shinra to become the planet's hero.

13. If you could draw effortlessly and as much as you wanted, what scene (s) would you draw for this character?

I'd really like to illustrate a lot of fic scenes. Especially the trippier Jenova-focused ones.

14. Are you physically attracted to this character?

...Yeah lmao But I don't ship myself or my self-insert with him because NO lolol I think he's aesthetically pleasing but I don't associate myself with him in any romantic sense. That's just weird to me.

15. Are your thoughts surrounding this character usually sexual, non-sexual, or a mix of both?

Non-sexual. I'm more interested in his character progression/fall into villainy. Like yeah he's attractive and there are some seductive aspects of his personality. But he's just more interesting to dissect as a villain.

16. Have you ever cried when thinking about this character? Genuinely?

Several times lolol usually after First Soldier updates.

17. Have you ever felt physical pain over this character? (ex: physical heartache).

Miiiight have happened once in dms with other fans (thanks @heraldofcrow)

18. Do you prefer to see this character suffer or know peace? Angst or comfort? Both?

SUFFER. SUFFERRRRRRR 😈NO COMFORT FOR YOU ALL IS PAIN AND ANGUISH.

19. Does this character serve as a stress ball/ security blanket for you? Something you run to after a bad day to feel safe or happier?

Oh totally. All the time. Imagine cute aggression but it's more angsty lol Angst aggression.

20. Do you feel affectionate towards this character?

For Sane!Sephiroth, yes. Very much so. Not so much after Nibelheim. Then he's just an evil little shit who needs to get clowned by Cloud again.

21. Are your feelings about this character platonic, romantic, or familial? All of these feelings at once maybe?

Platonic-familial. He's my precious baby boy. Who I have to hurt. LET ME HURT HIM.

22. Do you think you will always love this character?

I hope so! Assuming Square doesn't do something stupid.

23. Has this character permanently altered or impacted your psyche in a way you won’t forget?

I'm HERE. lmao There's your evidence.

24. Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.

I never have dreams about him and it makes me SO MAD SZDFGHFDSA EVERYONE ELSE GETS BLORBO DREAMS EXCEPT FOR ME.

25. What kind of fan-fiction do you read about this character? If you don’t read fan-fics about them, why not?

I mostly like character studies. Or slow-burn AU fics with him. I'm currently reading The Fear of Falling Stars and it's sooooo good.

26. If you look for this character’s name on AO3, what tags are you including or excluding?

It really depends on the fic tbh.

27. Do you like to ship this character with other characters or do you prefer not to?

I SHIP HIM WITH EVERYONE *feral noises*

28. Do you get defensive about this character? If yes, then why?

Only in select instances. I don't like the dudebro logic of "well Sephiroth was always arrogant/evil even before Nibelheim and he can't be vulnerable or sensitive because that's not badass" because those are fundamentally not true. And an extreme disservice to his writing.

29. Do you affectionately bully this character?

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

30. Are you especially sensitive about this character?

He makes me sad. His story is heartbreaking.

31. Are you ashamed of liking this character?

Nope. Not at all.

32. If you could make this character a meal, what would you make them?

Pumpkin soup, of course!

33. Are you “blinded by love” for this character or do you accept any flaws they may have?

Oh not at all. I have said many many times and will keep saying that Sephiroth does not deserve a happy ending after everything he's done. He deserves to be destroyed for good. He's NOT a good guy, not any more at least. He's caused so much damage in so many horrible ways. There's no going back from that. I love the guy and I feel for him. But that's still no excuse for what he did.

34. Does this character inspire you with little things in your daily life?

Uhhhh no.

35. Has this character ever prevented you from sleeping because you can’t stop thinking about them?

@ me whenever First Soldier updates.

36. Do you feel a spiritual/soulmate connection with this character?

Idk. Probably not. He's my angsty trauma son. But I wouldn't go THAT far lol

37. Is your love for this character a secret from people you know in real life?

Nope. I will literally never shut up about Sephiroth to family or friends lololol

38. Do you tend to joke more about dying or killing for this character? Both? What causes the distinction?

NO because Sephiroth is a villain and the goal is to not become like him lolol

39. Do you feel lovesick over this character?

Nope. He just makes me casually distraught.

40. Are you very empathetic towards this character? When they feel a certain way in the story, do you feel those emotions too?

Very much so. Like I said before, his story is heartbreaking. I've ugly cried about him so many times in the past.

41. Do you prefer to interact with this character directly via self-insert/reader type content? Or do you enjoy seeing them mostly with other characters in the story and/or your OCs?

Other than background OCs, no. I prefer mostly just his relationship with canon characters.

42. If you could, would you write this character a song or poem?

It'd be cool to do something creepy with his relationship with Jenova...

43. What type of weather makes you think of this character?

Rainy days. Because he's depressing.

44. Which season makes you think of this character?

Fall.

45. Do you feel as if you are intimately familiar with this character?

At this point, I'd really like to hope so. They have certainly added a lot of new stuff that feels on point with my previous ideas for him. But I'm open to new stuff too!

46. How much do bad interpretations of this character upset you?

It really depends on how they characterize him as a person before Nibelheim. I don't really like how people sometimes equate his evil/smug/arrogant post-Nibelheim personality with his CC-era one. They're really completely different.

47. Does this character ever make you laugh sincerely?

He made some the FUNNIEST goddamn faces in Rebirth, just sayin'.

48. What’s your favorite physical/design feature for this character?

R trilogy has the best overall design. Hair, eyes, and the sheer SIZE of him. All perfect.

49. What’s your favorite personality trait in this character?

Sane!Seph: His love for his friends

Insane!Seph: Him being a huge petty dick just for the sake of it

50. Link your fav song, playlist, aesthetic board, fan-fiction, reference pile, personal artwork, analysis post, meme, headcanon, or quote for this character. Whichever one (s) you are most comfortable with!

UHHHHHHHHHHH I'm just going to cheat and say THIS ENTIRE COMMUNITY because Seph-fans are BEST fans and we get along and get shit done. Best content. Best fandom space. No in-fighting or drama on his character. We're ALL peak 😎

[wilbursluvr]

Hii! I'm back with another request!

You should totally make a fic about wilbur being your dad's older friend. Like wilbur has been through a divorce recently and he went to visit your dad for some company! Then when he saw you, he wanted to.. relieve his stress and all

-🦡 anon

HAI 🦡 ANON!!!!!!!!! ouu okay you’re cooking rn

-

depressed and desperate

divorcee!wilbur x gn!reader

afab!reader

cw: sexual content

-

it was a sad sight, really.

you’d known wilbur since you were a little kid. your dad had been friends with wilbur since high school. and wilbur was a huge part of your life. he was there for everything; he was the best man at your parents wedding, he was at your graduation, at all of your band concerts.

and admittedly, you’d gotten close to him. in fact, you trusted wilbur with secrets more than your own parents. you’d call him whenever you’d be in a sticky situation; maybe you were at a party you shouldn’t have been at, maybe you were uncomfortable at a date, or maybe you were angry at your parents and just needed to talk.

and wilbur was a good guy. he got married, and by the time you were seventeen, he had just had his first kid, a little boy. and he loved his kid. you and your parents were at the hospital when he was being born, and wilbur held him the whole time, smiling the entire time. he was always active in his child’s life, and he was an amazing father and a loving husband.

the next summer, when he came over to your home, he seemed so distraught, his eyes red and puffy from crying. then, you had to sit and watch his depression worsen.

it turns out, his wife had found somebody else, so she packed her things and left, taking the baby with her. then, wilbur was left all alone. because of this, he was coming over a lot more.

and it’s not like you or your parents minded. however, it was depressing watching wilbur fall deeper and deeper into his depression. he’d come over, sit at the kitchen table or on the couch and drink all night, then be too drunk to drive himself home, then he’d sleep on the couch. then, he’d be gone the next morning.

some nights, you’d stay up in your bedroom, but others, you’d sit in the living room with him all night. you hated seeing him sad… while sometimes you’d sit on the opposite side of the couch and chat with him, others you’d be curled up next to him once your parents were in bed. occasionally, he’d let you have a sip or two of what he was drinking, and he’d be laying there, you curled up against him, his arms around you, rubbing your waist softly. neither of you saw an issue with this… you were just laying and chatting, right? there was nothing going on. you were freshly eighteen, and he was a grown man…

one night, your parents had gone out on a late night date, and therefore, you and wilbur were left alone. you guys put on some movie, but you didn’t end up watching it, but chatting instead.

“i saw finnley today.” wilbur says, his fingers in your hair as you laid against his chest. “aww, really? how’s he doing?” you ask, your hands against his chest. “he cried when i left… saw him through the window,” wilbur sighs. “i think he misses me.”

and you had some strong feelings towards wilbur’s ex wife. despite wilbur telling you she was a nice woman and a good wife, it never seemed that way when you actually saw her. she was often dismissive of his thoughts and feelings, and wilbur would laugh it off and say that he needs to be better��� and you hated that. you’d known wilbur your whole life, you didn’t understand how she could be so hateful and mean towards her own husband.

you decided to bite your tongue, not saying anything about her.

“well, i hope you can see him again soon.” you sigh, your eyes fluttering closed as you lay against him. you feel his hand rub your back, his head pressed against the arm of the couch. “you’ve seemed happier though. like, a lot better than a couple months ago.” you say. “yeah… well, i don’t know. the actual court process of divorce is long… and expensive. and she won’t pay a penny towards it, so i’m stuck with all of the bills. i don’t know, i’ve just been really stressed out.”

to top that, wilbur hadn’t been laid since his wife left. he tried to rub one out here and there, but he was never able to cum, or if he did, it didn’t make him feel any better. but lately… he’s had his eye on you. and you didn’t seem to notice.

that was, until you felt something poke your thigh.

and you’ll admit. you’d found wilbur attractive, you’d had this little crush on him since you were little… but you knew nothing was going to happen. he was a grown man, and you’d only just graduated high school.

so when you felt his hard on against your leg… it freaked you out a bit… but you couldn’t help but feel excited.

“wil…” you said, your breath shaky, as you slowly lifted off of his chest. “ahh, sorry doll…” he says, letting out a nervous laugh, his hands still on your hips. “you… what’s this about?” you asked. “i-i just… i don’t know…” he lets go of your hips, sitting up on the couch nervously. “i’m sorry.” he says, looking down at the ground, or just anywhere, avoiding your gaze. “my dad would be so disappointed at the thoughts in my head right now.” you say, your eyes staring at the bulge in his pants a bit too long before meeting his eyes again. his eyes lit up slightly. he understood exactly what you meant. “your dad would fucking kill me if he found out about this.” he says as you climb into his lap, but the lustful look on his face pushed you over the edge.

you shoved your lips against his, your hands grasping desperately at his shirt. he let out a quick groan, his hands grabbing the sides of your head and kissing you hard, his long fingers tangled in your hair. “you have no idea how badly i need this.” wilbur says against your lips, his hands moving down to your shirt. he removes his lips for a second to remove your shirt, tossing it on the ground before kissing you again, his hands slowly trailing up your waist. his eyes open for a split second to see you weren’t wearing a bra, and he quickly presses his hands against your breasts, his fingers playing with your nipples. “so soft…” wilbur groans, moving his lips to your neck, kissing roughly, though avoiding leaving marks.

as he touches your breasts, you moan softly, your head leaning back, your eyes fluttered shut. he groans, leaning down and sucking on one of your nipples softly, his thumb and index finger pinching and playing with the other. you gasped, one of your hands grabbing onto his shoulder, the other tugging on his hair. “wil! s-so nice…” you whine. “god, you smell so good, darling.” he groans, switching to the other nipple, continuing to suck and kiss softly. he slowly pulls away, and you quickly get his shirt off of his body, your fingers pressed against his chest again, kissing him again.

you kick off your pants and panties, straddling his hips as you attempt to unbuckle his belt with shaking hands. you climb to the side, finally pulling the belt out of the loops. you unzip his jeans, and he lifts his hips to help you pull them down. you swore you were drooling at the sight of his cock.

you were quick to straddle him again, your lips meeting his once again. you feel his fingers running circles around your wet entrance, gently pressing a finger in. “fuck-” you gasp, grabbing onto the sides of his face. “so wet for me, darling… god, i can’t wait to fuck you.” he says, pressing a second finger in, pushing knuckle deep in. you gasped and whined, and you tried hard to continue kissing him… but god, with how his fingers felt inside you, it was impossible to focus on anything else.

you felt wilbur pull his fingers out. you whined from the loss of pleasure, but then you felt the tip of his cock press against your clit, and you moaned loudly. with one hand on your hip, his other hand presses his cock into you, and you gasped again, slowly sinking down onto it. “f-fuck, are you okay?” he asks, his hands shaking as he holds onto your hips. “y-yeah… just so nice…” you whimper,

you pick your hips up, moving slowly, your hands on his shoulders. he moaned against your lips, continuing to kiss you. “you’re doing so good, darling… so good for me.” he helps you move up and down slowly, finding delight in your desperate moans. and he’ll admit, he needed this too.

you began to pick up the pace, your hips moving quicker against him. he lets out a muffled moan, and you whined louder, your hands grabbing his shoulders harder. “you feel so good, wil…” you whimper. “you have no idea how bad i wanted this.” wilbur moans, breathless, his hands moving to your thighs. “your hands are so warm…” you moan. he grins, holding onto them tightly, his fingers digging into your skin. because of this, you began riding him quicker, causing his breath to hitch in his throat. “holy fucking shit- so fucking good, doll.” he moans, kissing you harder. your head fell into the crook of his neck, where he kissed along the shell of your ear. his hands reached up, gently playing with your breasts again, and you cried out in pleasure.

“c’mon, doll…” wilbur moans, squeezing your breasts with his hands. your hips moved quicker, and you felt your thighs getting sore, but you couldn’t stop… not with the knot that was growing in your stomach. “you’re so close, love, i can feel it…” he says, moaning as he felt his own release approaching. you threw your head back, moaning and whining loudly, your orgasm taking over your body. your hips were moving hard against him, and your thighs went numb as you finished. as soon as you were done, wilbur groaned loudly, cumming deep inside of you, his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth hung open.

finally, you collapsed on top of him, breathless, numb and exhausted. he wrapped one arm around you, rubbing your back, and used the other hand to stroke your hair. “you did so good, doll, so amazing… good girl…” he says, still breathless. you two laid in silence for a few minutes before he picked you up, carrying you up the stairs to your bedroom. he helped you put some clean pajamas on before laying you down on the bed, pulling the blankets up to your neck. “m-my dad won’t find out, will he?” you ask. wilbur shook his head. “god no, doll. this is just between you and i, i promise.” he nods, leaning down and kissing your forehead gently. “i’ll bring you some water, okay?”

wilbur headed downstairs to the kitchen, where he filled a glass of water. he quickly got dressed and brought the glass of water up to your bedroom, where he encouraged you to drink some of it before laying down in your bed, holding you in his arms while soothing you to sleep. “goodnight, love… sleep well, okay?”

[my-castles-crumbling]

Cas, the greatest person in all of tumblr. I need help. So two and half years ago I got dumped by my ex and it was very traumatic (I won’t give details but basically they were v depressed and did some stuff… yeah). And they kept coming back after the breakup and I was stupid and always gave into it so we were pretty much in a situationship for idk 6 months? after the breakup. Then we were friends for a bit and now we haven’t talked to each other in over a year. I’m over them in the sense that I don’t want to date them again and we definitely aren’t compatible and there’s better out there for me (also have realised they were a pretty shit partner). But I feel so pathetic cause sometimes I still miss them 2 YEARS LATER. But anyway, they kinda fucked me up and now I have major commitment issues and haven’t had a crush on another person since and am super avoidant now. So the problem is that I’ve been talking to this guy and we’ve been getting along amazingly. I still don’t have any actual feelings for him though and it’s so frustrating cause I should but I just don’t. Very the way I loved you, I know. And me and this guy are getting closer and we’re passed any awkward talking stage and I really shouldn’t keep leading him on but I feel nothing and every time we do something I compare him to my shitty ex who’s literally worse than him but I still do it. And even now 2 years later not knowing a single recent thing about my ex while talking to this sweet, attractive, thoughtful guy, all I want to do is text my ex. I feel so stupid and pathetic and don’t know what to do because like I don’t think there’s anything more I can do to get over them when it’s been this long. Like am I just gonna feel like this forever I’m so tired of it

Hi! <3

Okay, so I think it's super common to look back on ANYTHING with rose-colored glasses. Meaning, only remembering the good things. It's a valid experience. Also, I read somewhere that your body can literally become addicted to the adrenaline of a relationship like this, which makes a normal healthy relationship feel less fulfilling because you're not getting that unhealthy fix. But that's obviously not good.

Will it get better? Yes. Do you deserve better? Also yes.

My suggestion would be, if you have any (not triggering) reminders of not-so-great things your ex did, look at those when you're feeling that way. Maybe talk to a friend who was there. Get a reminder that you deserve better.

You can't help it if you don't have feelings for this new guy- sometimes there's just no spark. Don't force yourself if you're not ready or you don't like him. But remember that you deserve and will be much happier in the long run in a healthy relationship. It might not be with this guy, but someone will make you feel much more loved than your ex.

Naming you spark anon!

[namethatghostling]

Give me your strong opinions/headcanons on Harley Quinn❤️🖤

Transgender

had a pretty intense and genuinely embarrassing truecrime girly phase through like her late teens/college. probably would have started a podcast if shed had the ability at the time.

i think that and her desire to pursue a career in psychiatry/work at arkham sorta stem from this same root interest in like understanding why certain people commit violent crimes which was well-intended but ultimately came from a kind of ableist place. like she always sympathized really heavily with the people in her care but also like subconsciously saw a lot of them as these poor lost little lambs that needed her help rather than full complex human beings and thats what kinda fucked her in the end.

generally an empathetic person. tends to take on other peoples burdens. sometimes to an unhealthy degree.

i think her and bruce actually have a lot in common in that regard and when theyre not actively at odds they vibe p well for that and other reasons. also shes just the sort of person whos rly easy to get along with. she may one of if not the only rogue who none of the others rly has any lasting beef with.

bi and poly (this is basically canon anyway). i feel like some ppl tend to act as if shes only ever dated the joker and pamela but i def think shes been in and out of a lot of relationships over the years, some better than others.

she has a bad habit of 1) finding kinda messed up power dynamics a lil sexy and 2) harboring some serious "i can fix them" energy when it comes to her more obviously misguided crushes. she likes the security of a partner who she feels like will take care of her but who still relies on her emotionally and unfortunately some people use that to take advantage.

i dont know if she would necessarily consciously identify as a Femme but like. she soo is.

this is like more related to my specific dyke scarecrow au than anything canon but i see them as old exes. in true dyke fashion, they have stayed good friends in spite of the breakup. take this one or leave it but either way i like the two of them as besties soo much.

has always struggled with this impulse towards violence especially when shes feeling restless or manic. (i say struggled but shes probably having a blast with it now) i think in the past she was very self conscious about this (especially when she was newly out and trying very hard to be perceived as feminine) and tried very hard to present herself as someone self contained and in control. for better or for worse, shes much happier when shes allowed to be a force of chaos.

lowkey had a weeb phase. still very much loves j-fashion and magical girl anime. plays some video games but largely prefers the feel of a big clunky cabinet arcade game over a home console. its the buttons, the lights, the ability to loudly and dramatically tip the whole thing over if youre mad enough about losing. has watched mlp. fav is pinkie pie. obviously.

there is an aspect of her like hyper girly almost childish persona which is kind of a performance. like. it is her to a degree, but its also kind of a coping mechanism. almost like a form of drag, shes leaning into the stereotype to get a rise out of people or to protect herself. sometimes both at once. the few people who really know her well enough will start to notice little tells to differentiate when shes really feeling the vibe and when shes deliberately putting on a show.

has definitely given herself a shit haircut/dye job while in a depression spiral.

generally its just like. she feels so so so so so much all the time like oh my god make it stop for two seconds.

theres probs more but this is what i feel certain of in this moment ✌️

[ruminate88]

I overcame suicide

I know I mostly post about emotional abuse and how my exes hurt me and how it’s affected me. However, I’ve also shared that my mental was bad during that time. It started at 24 when I wrote my first suicide note but I continued to struggle till the fall of 2015.

It was on a Tuesday or Wednesday night when I had my final scare. I was sitting on my mom’s couch and I just started hysterically crying and I couldn’t breathe!! My mom asked me what was going on and I told her I was depressed… She looked right at me and said “I dont know what to do for you. I don’t know how to make you happy….” 😞 Imagine how helpess and a failure she must’ve felt as my mom. (I’m sorry mom! I wasn’t purposely trying to upset you!!)

Evenrually I looked at my mom in desperation and asked to please pray for me!!!! I asked to pray! She didn’t force me or push Jesus on me or say I was a bad person and going to hell… she simply said “I don’t know how to make you happy”. I asked her to please pray and she quickly sat next to me and hugged me up!! My head crashed onto her shoulder as I was sobbing so hard!!! I PRAYED IN MY HEAD AND HEART!!

I told Jesus I was sorry for being dirty with my exes, I was sorry I was so depressed and sorry I kept having suicidal thoughts/feelings. I also asked Jesus to please guide my life because I felt so lost and like I had no reasons to truly live. I felt I had messed up my whole life and broke my own heart chasing my exes being nasty with them wanting “love” but they could only use me. I felt like garbage left over!!

My mom prayed over me as my head was on her shoulder and tears on her shirt! She asked the suicide to leave me and asked Jesus to help me. I was truly repenting to Jesus really saying sorry for being such a loser and a failure but I literally felt suicide come off my shoulders!! It felt like a huge weight lifted and instant my eyes were clear!!!!!!! 😁😁😁😁

My life hasn’t been perfect since then and i struggled in trauma bond and with cognitive dissonance. There’s times I’ve not controlled thoughts of my exes but I always try to change it and ask God to forgive me and help me do better. I can tell you some healing takes longer than others and some healing is instant!!

Jesus made me instantly happier though and I’ve not battled suicide ever since 2015!!!!! Wooo hoooo!!!!!! I don’t know what you’ve heard about Jesus or what opinions you have towards him but just look at me how much junk I’ve been through and overcame!!! If Jesus can give my life purpose and a reason to live, he can do the same for you ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Be well in Jesus’ powerful name 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[sawyingthroughthewasteland]

OCs as Horror Tropes Tag Game

I’m getting popular with these :) got tagged by @valentineenjoyer  link to quiz! gonna do this with Sawyer, but I am seeing my cowriter next week so maybe I’ll force her to help me with Baron also :) Sawyer J. Lockwood, General of the Minutemen, ex-mech pilot and a post-war gay with all the associated trauma with it:

Question 1: Pick a time of day. 

Sawyer is actually an early bird thanks to having been raised on a farm. His day starts right when the sun goes up and he starts crashing when it goes down. This drives his husband, who used to live in Alaska, absolutely insane.  Question 2: Introvert or Extrovert? Sawyer’s a mix- he’s got a really good charismatic face and cares deeply about the people he’s in charge of keeping safe but also gets grumpy often and wants his alone time. Preston is the same so the two tag-team when it comes to managing people. Question 3: How do you respond to feeling lonely? Man’s been lonely for most of his life. Father passed away when he was young and shortly after he’d grown apart from his mother while trying to find himself in a baptist community. During the war, he struggled to make friends as he preferred to spend his time studying or training so a lot of his loneliness was fought off with Baron- his lover in the USAF. As Sawyer was in the navy’s experimental branch, it wasn’t often they saw each other but when they did they were attached at the hip. During the time post-war when Sawyer thought Baron was dead, he was lonely as all hell and didn’t deal with it the best- largely internalizing it as justification for being the sole survivor. Thankfully Preston helped pry him out of his depression hole and finding a new lover in Danse helped as he blossomed as the General. When Baron surprised everyone by arriving with the second wave of the BoS to check in with Maxson’s sudden silence- the two quickly became inseparable (which is probably why Sawyer didn’t nuke the BoS off the face of the earth the moment they appeared over the horizon.)  Question 4: Pick a deadly sin.    Pride. He’s spent a lot of time rebuilding himself as well as the world around him to be a better place- and he’s learned over and over again he has to be protective of it or else others will want to change it to their liking. He always accounts for others and tries to help the greater good, but also is painfully aware how important appearances are in a leadership position. He’s super smart, but mostly in pre-war era things and often forgets things have changed- resulting in his plans often running straight into walls if his friends aren’t there to help him course correct.  Question 5: Pick a van gogh painting. Starry Night. He doesn’t get to enjoy night anymore with how busy he is and longs for a summer night under the stars in fucking peace.  Question 6: song lyric question “Oh lets get old fashioned / Back to how things used to be / if I get old, old fashioned / would you get old, old fashioned with me?”  He’s significantly happier post-war in a world where things make more sense to him (community building, being self sustaining, returning to a trade system, everyone helping each other with no expected repayment in return) and of course loves the minutemen but.... often mourns the pre-war era. Less the technology and society back then, more the fact that he hadn’t been in any shape to ever make the most of it.  When Baron returns, he almost gets a second chance at it- and it certainly helps now that he finally as someone who relates to him concerning the sudden time skip.  Question 7: Warm or cool colors? Cool! Man loves his blues and foresty colors :) Question 8: Early bird or night owl? See question 1 lol Question 9: Pick an excerpt. “A heart’s a heavy burden.” - Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle Post-war, man would it be easy for him to snap and not bother to help anyone. His unique skills make it easy for him to never have to rely on a community and he could’ve lived for decades without ever seeing anyone just out in the woods but alas- his heart is too big for his own good.  Question 10: Pick another painting. Hamlet, Alphonse Mucha. Neat style and Sawyer loves his classics (and relates to Hamlet a lot).  Question 11: Choose a tarot card.  The Lovers. A lot of Sawyer’s story is motivated by love: love for the Minutemen and all their people, love for Danse, love for his son, love for Baron, and of course love for all his other friends and companions.  Question 12: Why are you tired? “I have never known anything else. The exhaustion, the fatigue- it is as much apart of me as my bones and blood. I cannot imagine myself without it.” Question 13: What is worship? “It is destructive, and it is a weapon.”  Sawyer’s seen what’s happened with past politicians and leaders, and wants nothing to do with it. Also ~trauma~ makes bringing anything remotely religious into the same room as him immediately makes him not trust you. He believes firmly in that everyone should help everyone and no man is above another- everyone is equal and should be viewed as such and if not, deserve to be knocked down. Question 14: Choose something to take from my pockets. “a bracelet of multicolored beads”. As long as its established that the quiz creator is chill with him taking it- yea he’d like a pride bracelet :) Question 15: Feel free to tell me something! Did this for a tag game and really wish I noticed there was 15 questions before writing long answers to everything but oh well lmao Answer: 

Thank for for the tag Valentineenjoyer!  People imma tag: @kyngsnake @wastelandhell and if anyone else wants to join they can :) (yall don’t need to go as crazy as me on the answers, most just put the result of this I’m just insane)

[littleonekitten]

does anyone else’s depression hit at night time? I can be fine… all day, until after midnight and then for some reason just.. all of the sad comes out. I don’t know what it’s from, or why, but it’s just tears flowing and that achy feeling in your heart and then the pit in your stomach and the shake and pain in your head from anxiety.

Why is it that woman have to always overcompensate in relationships- let me explain before I get canceled. Females, have you ever noticed the moment a man takes interest in you, or your talking/ flirting, and you go out a few times and you genuinely have a great time and you think you like him then BAM. A red flag, it’s something small but it bothers you… but you just push it away because “well there’s other green flags, and he seems nice” and all of this other stuff.. TO MAKE HIM LIKE YOU. I’ll share this story, it was the first few dates with my ex and it was great, he was nice, and polite and drove safe and all of that.. until he made a sexist joke, a border line woman hating joke.. and I say there and looked at him and I laughed. I CANT BELIVE I LAUGHED. Did I think it was funny? No. Did I agree with it? Absolutely not and I wanted to punch him after it. But it was fine right? It was only one joke. Then it became a few more.. my laughs decreased and I told him I don’t think they are funny- “but it’s just a joke” when it’s not, there’s an underlying misogynistic truth and some CLEAR toxic masculinity. He stopped doing it around me.. until we were with his best friend, and they would constantly still make those jokes.. and you know what I would do? Laugh. Because I wanted him to like me and I wanted to be polite even though he knew how I felt about it. So why do we do that? Why do we have to make men like us all of the time? Is it because we like the attention or feeling of validation? We tie into knots for no reason, and for some reason if there’s ever a red flag small enough we ignore it… and we continue our relationship with that person. Why is it in a relationship our standards start out so high, then begin to lower? But when we keep those standards then it’s “unrealistic” I’m feeling really defeated about that, yes.. my ex had some great qualities- but looking back on it there were so many things I literally ignored because my standards then came a little above bare minimum while also having my own wants and needs- while also THE BARE MINIMUM was so hard to accommodate or meet because that requires putting in the work. Why is it when it comes to relationships in my luck it’s always wanting to work for each other and save the relationship it’s always my partner just can’t do because “it’s not them, or who they are”. If it’s something small, even if you don’t understand why and can create a happier relationship and I’m bringing that energy to that conversation as well why not?- anyways, that turned into a ramble, but basically why is it that our standards lower and we hold ourselves fs less accountable while in a relationship then as soon as we get out it’s so easy to get over someone. As soon as you think of one red flag thing it just gives the ick and validates your self worth.

My healing process has been weirdly okay. Like I’m okay, I’m not sad, angry or disappointed. I don’t want him in my life. I’m content with that. I’m finding new ways to heal and keep myself busy while also taking care of myself. The thought of him or being with him gives me so much anxiety that it can send me into like a pre panic attack state. So now it’s how to get rid of the thoughts of him. I’ve done a lot of work on that but he will still pop in my head a few times a day. I don’t know why I’m as okay as I am. I loved him, I thought I was gonna marry him, but for some reason it’s like my walls go back up and I’m going to have some more relationship tramua and trust issues for the next partner. Which I’m not looking forward to having that conversation. I think part of me is sad that I’m okay. I don’t think I ever give myself to grieve. If I do, I know I will fall down a hole, and not take care of myself, if I don’t let me grieve then I don’t have to deal with it. If I give myself fake confidence and “badass bitch” energy I don’t have to worry about it. I feel like it can be such a toxic thing but it’s the only tool I have.

[viscountessevie]

Tagged by the lovely @mermaidsirennikita thanks for the tag! SO SORRY this is months late shxkdjks.

Also to note; I wrote 90% of this post about 4 months ago?? On a call with the brilliant @sophiamariabeckett and @hptriviachamp so that's why they get mentioned alot, anyway let's get to it!

Nickname: S, [Redacted - IYKYK], Sahara,Vi, Evie [I think I’m mostly used to S and Sahara, the latter two are derived from my username lol]

I used to go by Sky when I was younger because people butchered my name but it was also given to me by an ex-friend who tried to whitewash me so I have YEETED that name (will never ever go by it again) and fully embraced my Indian name and culture. Anyways I digress, Sky also earned me the nicknames Sunny, Cloudy, Sunshine. 

Sign: A Fire Sign that fits me

Height: 5′0/155cm

Last thing I Googled: 

[Yall thank Trivia for this search and it’s so fitting for me!]

Song stuck in my head: Would’ve, Should’ve, Could’ve by Taylor Swift (also at this moment: Lavender Haze Acoustic version)

Number of Followers: Over 3k (but 80% are abandoned accounts or probably bots - also you gotta remember I've had this account for 8 years over 3 major fandoms so it's accumulation of that)

Amount of Sleep: 3 to 6 Hours - a lot of afternoon naps 

Lucky number: 8, 19

Dream Job: Novelist and Screenwriter

The List of People I Wanna Work Woth (ranking in order of how much I wanna to work with them): Simone Ashley, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Zawe Ashton, Frieda Pinto & Dev Patel (tied), Zendaya

Creatives: Wanna write with Mindy Kaling and Trevor Noah, write for Margot Robbie (as executive producer), Cathy Yun, and Jordan Peele

Special mention to Tom Hiddleston, Rahul Kohli and Chloe Zhao for being icons I admire but my writing style/stories and their resumes are in direct conflict 😂

Wearing: A sheer black shirt, it’s giving Simone's Shirt-Dress at Paris Fashion Week

Actually at this very moment (3rd April) though I am wearing this:

The shirt ties in the front and I have cream shorts on. Someone once told me I look like a hot baseball player in this fit lol

Movies/Books That Summarize Me:

Books: 

- A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket (very first book I ever read on my own) 

- The Hunger Games series & TBoSaS by Suzanne Collins 

- Every single Cecelia Ahern book

(save for her YA series and The Year I Met You)

- Shatter Me series by Tahereh Mafi

- To All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven 

- The Celebrity Quartet series by Taylor Jenkins Reid

[Hugo, Daisy Jones, Malibu Rising, gotta read Carrie Soto soon]

- A Lady For A Duke by Alexis Hall

- What I Did For A Duke by Julie Ann Long

Movies:

90s/00s Rom Coms - that entire genre and era changed me as a person. 

10 Things I Hate About You 

Legally Blonde 

Confession of Shopaholic 

Adding A Barbie Section at the request of Belle & Trivia: 

Mermaid’s Tale, An Island Princess and of course Princess & The Pauper changed everyone's lives

Contemporaries: 

Mr. Malcolm’s List 

The Batman 

Do Revenge 

Look Both Ways

Emily

Shows (Added this in cos Shows have shaped me more than movies): 

Wizards of Waverly Place 

Gossip Girl 

The Royals

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

The Mindy Project 

All Michael Schur shows except Parks & Rec (it was fine but not my vibe) 

Jane The Virgin (BUT I do not claim S5)

Favorite song: Changes depending on the day but I will always go back to Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen 

Special Mention: Right Where You Left Me and Nothing New by TS

Favorite instrument: Guitar to play because I played it when I was 8; piano and violin to listen to - I really am a strings bitch huh 

Aesthetic: I love dressing up in different styles and aesthetics tbh and I would say I dress how I feel. I dress up more when I'm happier and have a lot of statement pieces, more casual when I'm feeling lazy or depressed. But with the statement pieces, I'd say I'm giving theatre kid and I like to dress up like a Hollywood starlet sometimes lmao.

Favorite Author: I have no idea tbh. There's not one single author I've read all their books and liked. Hmm maybe Lemony Snicket but I haven't read Asking All The Right Questions yet. But all the books and authors listed above are a good range.

Ohmygod Cecelia Ahern - I've read and loved all her books!! Shoutout to my mom for getting me into her books during my teen years

Favorite Animal Noise: Rattlesnakes, Elephant’s Trumpet with the whole show of their trunks, Seal clapping and Hyena giggles

Random: So this section is the reason I didn't finish this post when Caro tagged me in it months ago lmao sorry C but now I have a fun random fact to share!

I'm currently on vacation in a tropical country rn and the villa I'm staying in feels so much like Donna's Villa in Mamma Mia - I love it so much! (I might reblog and share pictures of this place in the future but rn I'd like not to doxx myself lol) It's hella homey and I LOVE all the animals here; they have 4 dogs and 2 cats who are all my besties now. (I've never been a big pet person and now I want one)

[moot-lover]

Things I just can’t seem to say to my own therapist bc I’m afraid of going back to the psych ward.

TW: S@, Divorce?, abuse, swearing, $h. @n@

.............................................................

A lot of ppl don’t know this abt me but I used to go to speech therapy when I was 3. That prob explains my shit English so bare with me a little :3.

Yk I guess you could say my whole life my parents fought. My own father told me the reason he sent me to speech therapy bc he didn’t wanna argue with my mother. I remember always hearing my mother and father fight every week. My job was to try to stop the fight or just protect my sister. I basically stepped up as a mother for my own sister because my own parents couldn’t because they always fought. I did struggle with psychosis at 6-8 at the same time.

I remember it going downhill all in 2019. I always saw these posts saying “I wish it was still 2019” to be honest 2019 was one of the worse years of my life. One of their fights got heated and the police where involved. When everything calmed down they told me and my sister they were gonna get divorced.

You could say their divorce was a huge blow on me. My sister too but my sister got over it quickly. She can accept reality quickly but I can’t. I remember trying so hard to try to fix my mom and dads relationship. I couldn’t accept the divorce for years. And maybe there’s still a part of me that still can’t. I’m not really sure.

I was forced to change schools. I was way happier in my old school but I’m somewhat grateful to have changed schools bc I’ve met some of the greatest ppl in my life. Which I will always appreciate so much. But yk that school had its downslides just like any other school. But ive been sexually harassed in this school too. I couldn’t feel safe. I couldn’t be happy. My friends were the only reason I actually liked going to school. I always afraid of being near the guy who SAed me. For 2 years this went on for. 2 YEARS. I didn’t get help from anybody. Not even my parents. I felt so neglected it’s crazy.

Then yk this year (new school now) I’ve been struggling with my depression and anxiety more now. I was on new medication almost every 3 months because none of them work. I’ve been sent to the hospital so many times it’s crazy. (I was sent to the hospital 4 times or something in my old school) I think I’ve been sent to the hospital 7 times by now. Tho I met an amazing friend. Or so I thought. She made me happy. I thought I was finally gonna get a good friendship. That was false. She SAed me so many times it’s crazy. She gr00med me, and by the state I live the closest thing to this is s3x trafficking. I was called a liar. No one believed me to the point only my closest friends and my mom, grandma, and my sister believed me. The worse part she knew I was SAed before. And she has a gc where she shit talks about me and tells her friends lies about the situation saying “She’s just jealous I have friends and you don’t”. I remind you that she made fun of my sh and me taking my medication for depression. It’s crazy still after all this evidence she lies and her friends still believe her.

During the same time my eating disorder rised up. I feel like I can’t eat. I feel like if I eat I’ll be fat. I’m scared of gaining weight. I’ll go crazy to lose weight. I’ll walk in circles to lose. I stay up trying to lose. I try to avoid so much meals and my parents can’t allow me to skip meals which makes me go even more crazy.

And literally 2 days ago my grandfather was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I feel horrible. I don’t feel happy.

I want help no I need help. I feel like I need someone to love me but I can’t find anyone who can. And all my exes we break up on bad terms or on neutral terms. I don’t wanna get into them because I’m over them by now but I dont feel loved. I love this girl but I know she doesn’t love me back. I can’t either feel love and when I do it’s obsession. I don’t feel healthy and I can’t keep a healthy relationship. I want someone who I can hold onto. Maybe feel like, “this is okay I’m finally home”. Which I know I won’t ever feel that way. I’ve been abused and harassed for so long I’m so desperate for someone to love me. I’m not okay. I’m so tired. I just wanna be happy.

And that’s my little vent ig.

[sourcandycigs]

Life Update 2024

Hi world. Or nobody. Probably nobody.

So I have a long term partner now, we'll call him Zayne. I've never loved somebody like this and its so beautiful but so painful at the same time. Basically my life was on track and great until the week after my birthday last year in December.

I've lost a ton of confidence and have been so anxious and paranoid I've been throwing up on and off and I just wanna feel how I used to.

I'm trying to find reasons for it and the one that worries me the most is that it's my relationship and I need to break up with my partner. But I do NOT ever wanna do that. Ever. He's my whole world and I've never loved somebody so deeply.

I'm just filled with doubt at the moment and anxiety. I used to feel so calm and happy in my life but now I feel like I'm sinking into this deep pit and just want to wake up normal again.

Honestly if I didn't want this relationship to be the ONE for life I wouldn't be getting this worried or sick thinking about it.

He's so beautiful.

Let me tell you a bit about him instead of focusing on all this negative shit I've got going on in my head one sec.

He's so funny, like he has my humour and can always make me smile even when I'm in tears. He's so weird, and goofy and just such a fucking loon.

He's so fit aswell, you have no idea. He's literally stunning. Gorgeous eyes, toned muscles and a lovely little perky bum.

He's a passionate lover, I've never had sex like it in my life which upsets me at the moment because my sex drive is WAY down because of my anxiety at the moment and I wanna get comfortable again and start enjoying my relationship again.

I feel like I'm messing this up, I haven't felt this way in ages. Last time I had a wobble like this was when me and my ex had broken up and I was stressed about finding somewhere new to live and where my life was going.

I think that's what this is again, the panic about my life and I'm just pinning it on my relationship because I'm trying to find answers and because my relationship is the most important thing in my life that's the thing that if I think about it being the issue bothers me so much.

It's just nasty thoughts that normally would just pass but because I'm not as confident and I'm anxious anyway they are really bothering and I'm looking WAY too far into them.

This is the man I want children with, the man I want to marry. No takebacks this time. I will work through this and come out the otherside stronger and happier than before, (he's also being so supportive and understanding through all of this I don't know where I'd be without him).

I'm putting so much pressure on myself and my feelings. We moved in together to a flat and at first I loved it and settled in well over time but ever since this December wobble I've found the flat a really daunting place to be because that was where I was at when these anxious feelings started. I just feel so isolated and alone in my own thoughts at the moment and wanna just snap out of it.

I also have been doing my first serious job and that is probably adding to the anxiety, I felt alright before but again ever since this December wobble going to work has been hard because all I can think about is my anxiety!

My dad has really bad mental health issues and I'm worried I've inherited it lol, he is so anxious he dry heaves and throws up and I'm trying to not let myself get that bad again.

Zayne says all I can do is carry on going and not expect to feel like myself all in one day, and I know he's right. I just gotta keep going and eventually I know I'll get back to a good place, tbf it has only been a month or so since this all started. I think I'm also getting a bit depressed by it aswell.

Oh well, we move. I love him more than anything in the whole world. At least that I'm sure of. There's NOBODY else I'd rather be with and that's not bullshit. I know that in my soul.

I can do this, I can get through this, though it may suck a lot. I will come back onto my blog in a few months time and hopefully feel more like myself and be more on track.

Until then, I've got great support from my friends and family and honestly I consider Zayne and his family my family now more than my own. I miss living with his parents and do really wanna move back but know I can't run away from adult life forever and will just have to adjust. I think I was just very distracted when I first moved into the flat and it made the move and the intensity of it all not even register so when it all finally hit me it caused a mini life crisis/breakdown.

I'm already on the mend though I know it, I was MUCH worse so that's a win in my book. Just gotta focus on eating and taking care of myself and crying when I need to cry.

Well that was a mouthful lol, what an update. But to look on the brightside I have my life set now, a man that's gonna be a husband and a father and a family and set of friends who are gonna be there every step of the way. Now to re-settle and start enjoying it again and stop overthinking.

Easier said than done but all I can do is try.

I'll end this with a letter to myself:

Hi Em,

I know right now your mind is probably running wild but breathe.

You aren't alone, you don't need to feel trapped or panicked.

You can feel anxious, you can overthink. It's what you do and that's okay. But remember the end goal here. The family and the home with you and Zayne's kids. Bringing up a family together.

This is a bump in the road and if you are willing to crumble at the first big bump you'll never get any stronger.

Don't get mad for not feeling 100% straight away, it will take time and it's a process. One day you might feel just like yourself again and then the next 3 days suck. Try and enjoy yourself, your friends and your lover.

Life is just getting serious now. And this isn't the time to drop and run, it's the time to knuckle down and buckle in.

I love you Em, you are so cool and funny and kind and honest. But stop scaring yourself and don't think because you feel calm you're just pretending to because something's always wrong ffs.

Love you Em. We'll get through this.

You can't act like a teenager forever x

[whatswiththisscale]

My ex and ex friends absolutely fucked me up. I probably caused some complications too, I recognise and am not afraid to admit that. But honestly, it was probably the relationship that was fucked up and awful, not both of us. We were just incompatible and had manipulative tendencies.

I don't want to elaborate without a cut so hi!

Anyway

I need love when I'm in a relationship like that. I need reassurance and attention. I need validation. My ex gave me none of that and insisted that I was being a bad person because of my needs. I can be obsessive, but he singled me out and openly admitted that I was his favourite person etc etc etc and said he was obsessive too. He didn't want me hanging out with anyone other than him, his sister, our mutual friend (who he met before either met me, so I naturally had less of a connection and was never quite in the same level, so I felt kinda jealous), and his sister. He said he liked when I was obsessive because it made him feel safe, and that all of my behaviour was absolutely okay.

Then I asked to hold his hand.

Okay! *Two days later* No, don't do that. Why would you do that?

Then I asked to sleep over.

Of course! *One week later* Uh, that's kinda creepy. Ew. No thanks

Then I asked to hug him.

Yes, I love you! *Three hours later* God no, I hate hugs.

He always said he was uncomfortable with being touched at all. But he hugged and did everything else with his sister and our two mutual friends just fine! So why not me?

Am I too clingy? Am I too needy? Am I too obsessive?

Yeah, I was obsessive. But my ex told me it was okay and he loved that about me, then got mad at me for it. Then he told me that's most of why he loved me (that and because we're practically the same person (my initial facade that I put up to make people like me) so we must be soulmates). Then he told me he hated it. Then he gave mixed signals. Etc.

And then that group left me (at school during lunch and then proceeded to go to the mall that weekend (even though they said they cancelled it and nobody could go (they also brought along our mutual ex friend) the day before) and text me a picture and said how toxic I was and how much happier they are without me).

They left me. And believe me, I was super hypervigilant about trying to not be obsessive (while also not throwing myself into a depression, of course). And they left me.

Sure, maybe I stressed out my ex and our (now his) friends. But he never actually communicated with me clearly. And I know he'll never admit or accept that he fucked me up, too.* And I might have hurt some of them more than they hurt me. I'll never know! But a) They used to be in my life, but now they're not and that's all that matters, and b) fate probably just had it planned that we wouldn't end up together. And that's that.

But seriously, you can't know you're abusive unless you learn you probably are in your own time. Also, people who are manipulative or abusive might not be aware of it and you just can't know. They almost never are deliberately causing pain. They just can't see something most people can.

-

*Here's a list of reasons why (tw racism, appropriation of spirituality/culture/religion, abelism, terfs, controlling behaviour, just generally agitating stuff):

He genuinely believed he could turn himself Chinese by mediating and manifesting (he knows I'm a Gaelige Pagan and have been all my life and that I knew that couldn't happen. He would constantly ask if his eyes got slimmer or if he seemed like he lost weight or if his face was rounder) (he learned Chinese just because of that) (he made me get him a kimono too) (he's, like, 75% ethnically British or something, and like some part Scottish (so therefore he's allowed to just take one of my candles and do a love spell between me and some dude who's mean to me who I forced myself to 'like' because internalised homophobia and allonormativity (this was before we were officially together))

He also genuinely believed he could reality shift into any world he wanted (he almost did it!!! /s) where he could be a Chinese K-Pop idol with no mental illness and be with Harry Potter and JK Terfling

AND that you could stay in that other 'desired reality' and eventually your magic spirit twin would take over your body and you could just go back to real life whenever you wanted and you would just pick up where Spirit-Twin left off in your life (like. Click (2006) anybody??)

He ate, like, practically nothing. He was obsessed with being skinny and he would ONLY eat things that were 'healthy' like salad and he went pescatarian because of calories... BUT he swore up down left and right and all around and all the directions that he was only bordering on an eating disorder. He can't have one because, y'know... he's him and he's just so cool I guess??? Idk I tried asking him but his voice was so annoying at that point and he literally just droned on and on about how the mental hospital he ended up in (because he overdosed because his sister got mad at him at the same time we were having our first argument (for context he repeatedly accused me of starting arguments whenever we disagreed) (and if course he started said argument)) said he was bordering on one so they must be right, they're the fucking medical industry (I'm disabled and have an ed, I know for a fact that the medical industry doesn't know shit)

He didn't want me to go to my dream college. He would not let me go to my dream college. He literally seethed at the thought of me going to my dream college. Because his mom didn't like the college

He also said with pride that he had the brain of a 5 year old

He couldn't spell the word important ("Importment? Importmant? Inportment???" I kid you not) and was convinced he would move to London and go to Oxford (partly for the aesthetic of course *eyeroll*)

He believed in the word subliminal shit where you say stuff, speed it up, and put music over it, and you would just get whatever you wanted

He stole character art off of Pinterest, named them after (anime of course because he insisted he could turn Chinese) characters, gave them other characters' personalities, and called it an oc

He constantly compared himself to his 12-year-old sister who is SO skinny it's nur even funny

He thought he was Jewish because he believed in only one god. I am 25% Jewish. I'm 85% sure he knew that. I told him that's not how it works. Wow I must have started a fight. Also he thinks his parents aren't super Christian religious because they only have like 3 Christ quotes/statues/etc per room (including the outside for his dad's house) and only go to church maybe once every two months

So basically, he's a stubborn ignorant bitch <3

But yeah I digress he didn't know!! And I might have, and probably did mess him up too and I'll probably never know!

random, but I think the way people talk about abusers as hypercompetent, calculating manipulators that Know exactly what they're doing makes it easier for people to get into abusive relationships

[sister-lucifer]

ok y’all i need advice

story under the cut, tw for toxic ex, suicide, bullying,, and a long ass story

so a few months ago back in like. july i think i went through a rough breakup with a guy we’ll call M. the reason i was broken up with was, in short, that M wasn’t getting enough attention. I was in a super deep depression after two major losses in the span of a few months and was still grieving, so i wasn’t really talking to anybody, plus he was in another country for most of the summer and i didn’t feel like staying up until 4 am every night to talk, especially when he wasn’t doing the same for me.

it stung, but then i realized i was better off without him because tbh he made me feel really bad. he zapped my self esteem and was constantly expecting more and more from me and not giving me the same enthusiasm and effort he expected. i stopped talking to him all together after that. he asked if i still wanted to be friends, and i said no, and explained to him why. he never replied

fast forward about two and a half months later, i’m a lot happier and have a new group of friends. one of these friends is J. me and J start getting close and decide to go to an event together. to clarify,, there was and is still nothing romantic going on between me and J, but we wound up getting on the dance floor together and shared one (1) kiss. not really a big deal. the issue is that it turns out M and his friends were also there. one of his friends, C (who also vaguely threatened me after i told M i didn’t wanna be friends), saw the kiss and decided it was her duty to report back to M. M has a crying fit, like borderline mental breakdown over this news

then D, one of M’s other friends suddenly pulls J away, and i mean physically pulls on them. this is important because J famously does not like physical contact, and D was aware that suddenly being grabbed could potentially be triggering. i didn’t know what was going on, but then D comes over and pulls me away as well. immediately D starts to interrogate me about what’s going on between me and J. I say nothing because, well…nothing. they don’t believe me, and call J a liar. i insist theres nothing and they finally back off, telling me that M was freaking out.

i walked off and found J who, fairly, was freaking out. if M decides that J is a traitor, J is effectively cut off from all of their friends because that little posse M has built is like a cult.

for a week after the event, no one hears from J. when they finally message me again, it turns out they were hospitalized after trying to take their life. I was initially a bit shocked, but J also has BPD (and a suspected multitude of other issues), and it turns out that M and D had been doing things to purposefully trigger them (like ignoring them instead of communicating and making sure J knew they were being ignored, or like D grabbing J and pulling them suddenly). we’ve both decided to distance ourself from that group because we realized how much they act like high school bullies instead of mature adults. after the event i even tried to talk to D and set a boundary, telling them that i felt disrespected and i was tired of M’s friends always trying to be in my business. D responded by cussing at and insulting me, so it’s pretty clear that it’s unlikely anyone in that group would be willing to admit their mistakes

sorry for the long backstory, but i want to give the full scope of the issue and make sure no one feels like their missing any info

my question is this:

i’m trying to be no contact with M, but i’m debating breaking that rule because he still has up photos and videos of me/us that he posted on his instagram/tiktok. i’m not comfortable having my face online, and i never was, but i didn’t really stop him bc he seemed really happy to post them. he’s also still posting about me and lamenting about how much he misses his boyfriend

i’m trying to figure out if it’s worth possibly stirring up more conflict with M and his psycho friends to a) tell him to delete the posts or at least censor my face and b) possibly try and get him to realize the magnitude of his actions, because i feel it’s the least i deserve since he’s such a toddler i don’t think he realizes what’s going on. i’m especially worried that J will be dragged into it again. i also want to do it IRL bc i think that’s more fair to everyone

TLDR: is it worth possibly stirring up more conflict with a toxic ex to tell him to take down his posts with/about me?

[xx-neon]

july 4th

hi again.

i was planning on writing more. the whole point of this was to get my feelings out everyday to cope but its been awhile.

again, if youre not me reading this. good luck.

so my ex broke up with me right? so much happened that i didnt know about. im tired of talking about it really since its been such a hot topic (my ex and i work together too and share a lot of the same friends) thats the cherry on top lol.

he has a new girlfriend. they started dating the day he left.

ouch.

another ouch? 

im her manager at work

looking at it now. this is all one giant hilarious cluster fuck LOL.

im not going to go into details of the messy stuff since its a dead horse at this point.

do i seem happier?

i actually tried killing myself. 

not because of him though. hes a loser with nothing going for him so that would be a waste. i did it because of all the emotions after what happened. i didnt have enough time to find somewhere to live. i couldnt bring my cat with me if i moved with my parents far away. i felt like the whole world was against me and i didnt do anything to deserve it. and it wasnt going to get better. i talked about being in a hole and trying to climb out in my last post. this hole extended 1000 ft in the ground and there was no sign of light. i had no sign of light in me. i didnt eat for a week. i drank everyday. i couldnt sleep. why me? what did i do wrong? is this my karma for being me?

so i really did it.

obviously it didnt work lol. im still here. i spent 6 days in the hospital. one in the ER and 5 in the BHU. i was diagnosed with an eating disorder, major depressive disorder and psychosis. i got help for my drinking too. whoo 

this sounds cringy. but i feel reborn. i didnt mention in my last post but i have BPD (boarderline personality disorder). ive been diagnosed for about 10 years. most of those spent unmedicated and out of therapy so i was really rawdogging life LOL. if you know anything about BPD its probably the worst thing to deal with. thankfully im self aware so i havent ruined my life but fuck man everyone else ruins it for me. 

im in extensive therapy. im on like what... 4 medications?? and i just feel like life is great. ewwww so cringe LOL. but seriously. it is. i dont think ive ever felt so normal in my life. my anxiety is gone. paranoia is gone. my head feels so light now im not bogged down. idk its just so nice. i smile at work now. i smile when i see my friends that i never knew i had. i just know how great life can be.

but then theres this.

schadenfreude

its a german word for basically feeling happy off of someone elses misery.

thats how i feel towards my ex

i know i know its fucked up. but what he did to me isnt?

i never said i was a good person LOL.

i love i just LOVE hearing about how miserable he looks and how happy i look. i revel in it. i cherish in it. i frolic in a field of flowers in it LOL.

okay. we get it. but seriously. i knew karma would come. thats why i learned to stay silent. yes i did lash out and have a mental breakdown wouldnt we all? but he lost friends over this. people think hes fucked up. that in itself makes me feel better. ya know schadenfreude. i do wish he could be a better person but i dont wish him the best. him feeling like this is good. he’ll learn from it. he’ll learn he cant always get away with being an asshole. karma will continue to come his way and she wont hold back. 

ill try to write more now that im happy. 

xx