sourcandycigs

[sourcandycigs]

Life Update 2024

Hi world. Or nobody. Probably nobody.

So I have a long term partner now, we'll call him Zayne. I've never loved somebody like this and its so beautiful but so painful at the same time. Basically my life was on track and great until the week after my birthday last year in December.

I've lost a ton of confidence and have been so anxious and paranoid I've been throwing up on and off and I just wanna feel how I used to.

I'm trying to find reasons for it and the one that worries me the most is that it's my relationship and I need to break up with my partner. But I do NOT ever wanna do that. Ever. He's my whole world and I've never loved somebody so deeply.

I'm just filled with doubt at the moment and anxiety. I used to feel so calm and happy in my life but now I feel like I'm sinking into this deep pit and just want to wake up normal again.

Honestly if I didn't want this relationship to be the ONE for life I wouldn't be getting this worried or sick thinking about it.

He's so beautiful.

Let me tell you a bit about him instead of focusing on all this negative shit I've got going on in my head one sec.

He's so funny, like he has my humour and can always make me smile even when I'm in tears. He's so weird, and goofy and just such a fucking loon.

He's so fit aswell, you have no idea. He's literally stunning. Gorgeous eyes, toned muscles and a lovely little perky bum.

He's a passionate lover, I've never had sex like it in my life which upsets me at the moment because my sex drive is WAY down because of my anxiety at the moment and I wanna get comfortable again and start enjoying my relationship again.

I feel like I'm messing this up, I haven't felt this way in ages. Last time I had a wobble like this was when me and my ex had broken up and I was stressed about finding somewhere new to live and where my life was going.

I think that's what this is again, the panic about my life and I'm just pinning it on my relationship because I'm trying to find answers and because my relationship is the most important thing in my life that's the thing that if I think about it being the issue bothers me so much.

It's just nasty thoughts that normally would just pass but because I'm not as confident and I'm anxious anyway they are really bothering and I'm looking WAY too far into them.

This is the man I want children with, the man I want to marry. No takebacks this time. I will work through this and come out the otherside stronger and happier than before, (he's also being so supportive and understanding through all of this I don't know where I'd be without him).

I'm putting so much pressure on myself and my feelings. We moved in together to a flat and at first I loved it and settled in well over time but ever since this December wobble I've found the flat a really daunting place to be because that was where I was at when these anxious feelings started. I just feel so isolated and alone in my own thoughts at the moment and wanna just snap out of it.

I also have been doing my first serious job and that is probably adding to the anxiety, I felt alright before but again ever since this December wobble going to work has been hard because all I can think about is my anxiety!

My dad has really bad mental health issues and I'm worried I've inherited it lol, he is so anxious he dry heaves and throws up and I'm trying to not let myself get that bad again.

Zayne says all I can do is carry on going and not expect to feel like myself all in one day, and I know he's right. I just gotta keep going and eventually I know I'll get back to a good place, tbf it has only been a month or so since this all started. I think I'm also getting a bit depressed by it aswell.

Oh well, we move. I love him more than anything in the whole world. At least that I'm sure of. There's NOBODY else I'd rather be with and that's not bullshit. I know that in my soul.

I can do this, I can get through this, though it may suck a lot. I will come back onto my blog in a few months time and hopefully feel more like myself and be more on track.

Until then, I've got great support from my friends and family and honestly I consider Zayne and his family my family now more than my own. I miss living with his parents and do really wanna move back but know I can't run away from adult life forever and will just have to adjust. I think I was just very distracted when I first moved into the flat and it made the move and the intensity of it all not even register so when it all finally hit me it caused a mini life crisis/breakdown.

I'm already on the mend though I know it, I was MUCH worse so that's a win in my book. Just gotta focus on eating and taking care of myself and crying when I need to cry.

Well that was a mouthful lol, what an update. But to look on the brightside I have my life set now, a man that's gonna be a husband and a father and a family and set of friends who are gonna be there every step of the way. Now to re-settle and start enjoying it again and stop overthinking.

Easier said than done but all I can do is try.

I'll end this with a letter to myself:

Hi Em,

I know right now your mind is probably running wild but breathe.

You aren't alone, you don't need to feel trapped or panicked.

You can feel anxious, you can overthink. It's what you do and that's okay. But remember the end goal here. The family and the home with you and Zayne's kids. Bringing up a family together.

This is a bump in the road and if you are willing to crumble at the first big bump you'll never get any stronger.

Don't get mad for not feeling 100% straight away, it will take time and it's a process. One day you might feel just like yourself again and then the next 3 days suck. Try and enjoy yourself, your friends and your lover.

Life is just getting serious now. And this isn't the time to drop and run, it's the time to knuckle down and buckle in.

I love you Em, you are so cool and funny and kind and honest. But stop scaring yourself and don't think because you feel calm you're just pretending to because something's always wrong ffs.

Love you Em. We'll get through this.

You can't act like a teenager forever x

[sourcandycigs]

Dear Andy

So firstly hi. I know you'll never see this so I can be completely honest and just let everything out onto the table.

When you first told me you had had feelings for me when we were in first year in the SU bar my heart lit up. I honestly had never thought of you that way, maybe a bit but I didn't pursue it because you were always so cold and didn't show any interest in girls or anything like that. I had no idea. I was so unhappy in my relationship I wanted an escape and I suppose that was you because you made me so happy when I was so miserable.

You weren't always the best friend but you were MY best friend, we always had a laugh and I treasured those memories on our course together. And I will forever. When we started hooking up I loved it so much, but it hurt a lot that you were so okay using me after everything we'd been through. Also I guess I kinda hoped you'd feel how much I loved you and start to let your guard down a bit and be open to letting your feelings out for once.

But you've decided to run away. Back to your mum, and your family. And leave us all behind without even a goodbye. To say it's broken my heart would be a huge understatement. I've had to deal with levels of depression and feelings I've never had to deal with because of you and I find it even more ironic because these were the problems you always had, now you've caused me to be suicidal aswell so thanks?

I understood that you didn't want a relationship and I said I'd rather just be friends to save the friendship that you claimed you "treasured" so I thought we were all good? But you lied, to my face. The person you did your entire course with and who kept your razor blades safe for you because you were scared you would do something bad. You lied to my face infront of my family at our university graduation and said you still wanted to stay friends and carry on our radio show together.

I now do our old radio show alone, did you even know that? I go alone every Saturday now and sit there alone in the studio we made our own. I do the walk we always did together back to our old house alone. I can't walk through this city now without seeing our memories everywhere. We don't all just get to walk away and have our parents deal with the consequences. I don't get to just go home back to a place with no memories and forget 3 years of my life. We always supported you, forgave you when you acted like a cunt. We all loved you anyway. And you betray all of us? Run away?

I still hold out the hope that one day you'll reach back out because weirdly enough, although I hate your guts and wish you nothing but pain and suffering for what you've put me through I still miss my best friend. Did it even effect you to walk away like you did? Do even miss me or our friends? Or are you the cold heartless monster you've painted yourself to be in my head?

I miss you every minute of every day, but have cried over you so much I've got no tears left. I hope that one day we can become friends again but I don't really know. You're a cold, messed up person who is babied by his mum too much. You'll end up 45 living at home because you can't seem to deal with living away. Why did you even come to university? You wanted to be a musician, yet you aren't pursueing it last I heard? What a waste of time and talent.

I needed you over these past few months, as a friend. To support me through really hard times (like I always did for you) and you weren't here and I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for that.

Karma is a bitch, and you can't treat people this way. You're going to be alone for a very long time and never really understand love or know how to do it because you push everyone away.

Good luck. I still love you and miss you, but hate you for what you've done to me.

[sourcandycigs]

A Much Need Update

As usual, a lot has happened since we last spoke. Firstly Andy (after graduation) hasn't spoken to me in like 4 months. Basically has ghosted me and moved on and left me behind. My mental health took a huge dip and I'm just getting a bit better now. I've been depressed and suicidal over the past few months, all triggered from this situation. I've never been so hurt and betrayed by a friend.

It's now nearing the end of November and close to my 23rd birthday, and I thought I'd be spending it with my old and new friends. Guess not. The fact that someone I supported for 3 and a half years thinks/wants to leave me behind and be totally okay never seeing or hearing from me again is a kind of hurt I've never had to deal with before and to say it's been hard would be an understatement .

Charles is still in Bath, now living in the youth hostel. He's got new friends (mostly roadmen) and they all seem to bring out the worst in him. He talks like a twat now and tries to act all hard all the time. I miss the old Charles I fell in love with in 2019 but I suppose that person is dead now which sucks. I see him every now and again and we still sleep together, we talked about maybe getting back together but honestly I'm not sure. He said he's not "ready" yet. But in all honestly after thinking about it I'm not sure its what I want when I'm still not over Andy.

I moved into a house full of undergraduate girls, one in particular hates me and is an asshole. The rest are okay. I started a PGCE which I hated straight away and regretted so now I've changed over to the Commericial Music MA. I've got a new best friend now, he's called Martin. He's honestly been my saving grace. He's been there through every breakdown, every suicidal evening all of it.

Oh also, my Grandma died. Oh Dementia and I did a charity walk in her name in Bristol. She's somewhere better now, but I miss her and Grandad alot.

[sourcandycigs]

Everything Is Changing

So much as happened since my last post I need to update you!

So firstly, me and Charles have broken up. I ended things, we kept arguing and the last straw for me was he said that he prefered his computer over me because it didn’t nag him. I was so fucking pissed I thought I’m worth more than this so I ended it. We still live in the same house so its pretty awkward but we are friendly most of the time and its very obvious that he still likes me, he makes any attempt to touch me and is overly nice.

Me and Andy started hooking up, like alot. We are keeping it a secret obviously because I think if Charles knew he’d kill him. I’m kinda torn about Andy though, he sat me down and told me he doesn’t have feelings for me but finds me attractive and loves me as a friend (which literally adds up to feelings doesn’t it like wtf???) so I said I’d keep feelings out of it and keep things casual but I can’t lie I do have feelings for him, I can’t just turn them off. I’m praying that things develop if I just back off a bit. We haven’t been able to spend the night in a bed together for obvious reasons, but I really hope we get a chance because I’m sick of having sex in weird public places, don’t get me wrong its exciting but its not comfortable and we can’t fully enjoy it like we would be able to do in a bed.

So the house I was gonna move into with those girls fell through but I’m in a group with other people from my course and we are looking for a 6 bedroom house for next academic year, so far no luck which is super annoying.

Uni is coming to an end soon, final deadlines are in the next 2 weeks and I’m stressed not gonna lie, I’ve also go to perform on the main stage 1st at this massive gig really soon! I’m so nervous, but also excited.

The thing I want most in the whole world right now is just to be able to lie in bed for an evening with Andy and lie on his chest, play with his hair, kiss him and just be together but I know he doesn’t do stuff like that. I went to A&E with him last night until 4am (I had an interview today by the way) just because I was worried, and I had to walk home alone when he was taken up to the ward. He didn’t even message me to check I got home okay or say thank you... I get he’s unwell but if I was in his position and someone had been so kind and loving to sit by my side for 5 hours in A&E until 4am I would send them a massive paragraph saying thank you and probably give them a massive kiss and hug as they left. But nope. Radio silence from him since I left.

I’ll be honest right here because this is the only place I can really be honest, I’m in love with him. Like deeply. And I don’t know what to do about it, I can’t tell him because I know it’ll scare him off and make him run for the hills and I don’t wanna lose the hooking up! I wish he’d give me a chance, we would be so good together I don’t want it to be super serious but why can’t he give us a shot? We could take things super slow I wouldn’t mind. But I have this deep sickening feeling that after this house tenancy is up I’m never gonna see him again, he’s never gonna call me or text me. I feel like I mean nothing to him. I’m actually writing a song about it so I guess I can thank him for the inspiration.

My heart is soaring but also falling because I love the feeling when we are together and I never want it to end then when we are apart I feel like the world is so much less bright. He makes my days better and my nights easier. I just wish he felt the same. Story of my life, boys are never interested in me but the moment I fall in love with one its my best friend and he doesn’t love me back but my ex is still very much in love with me but I don’t love him.

I’m really tempted to give Andy the link to this blog one day so he can know how I feel, but he’d probably read all this and it would put him off even more so I don’t know if I’ll do it.

[sourcandycigs]

Young Wild N Free

I’ve made my decision. Can’t believe I’ve done it, I’m moving into a house full of girls for my postgraduate year. I told Charles, at first he was really upset but I explained that didn’t mean I wouldn’t see him. He just needs to sort his shit out, I can’t baby him anymore. But this means...Andy and me could have a chance! So we are still holding hands in secret, he seems really into it. Ngl I look forward to it everyday, most nights before bed we hang out in Andy’s room and I make sure to get under the duvet and so does he so we can hold hands.

Jesus, I didn’t think I’d ever be so excited to hold somebody’s hand its mad. I’m just praying that when I move into this new place and have my own space he’ll actually come and stay the night. We can finally have a night alone! We’ve never had that ever. Is it bad that Andy motivates me to be the sort of girl I wanna be? I mean, I want him to be begging to stay round mine! Part of me hopes it will be once a week but knowing him it might be every other but I don’t care I’ve waited bloody years for the freedom to be with him, a week won’t hurt.

I’m actually excited to have my own space, my own room that I don’t have to share! I want to be in an open relationship with Charles because I do still love him weirdly. I’d have to get past the jealousy of him being able to sleep with other girls but hopefully being with Andy would take my mind off it?

I hope that in the future, Andy feels as strongly for me as I do for him, honestly if we start seeing each other after I move (which I really hope we do) if it goes well I might ask him out? I dunno, probably getting ahead of myself, we’ll see where this goes!

[sourcandycigs]

Rock n Roll Games

This story starts with a guy, as most do don’t they? My whole life has been controlled by stupid fucking guys, and how they make me feel. From a young age I felt like I needed everyone’s approval but my own and thats pretty messed up isn’t it? I spent most of my teens fantasizing about boys at school that I liked and romanticised stuff way too much in my head. Now I’m 22, at university and have access to guys that actually would be interested and what do I do? Mess it all up.

I met my current boyfriend in first year at uni in 2019, it was a whirlwind romance kinda thing and to be honest I was fresh out of my first ever breakup (I was dumped it was brutal). We started living in my halls and everything was going great, the sex was insane, he was so sweet and a good boyfriend! Then the pandemic hit and basically ruined everything. I heard stories of couples who’d been together for 7 plus years who broke up during the pandemic but I was determined we wouldn’t be one of those couples. The pandemic ruined everything because it brought to light everything wrong with our relationship, and to be blunt. Everything wrong with him. Now, I’m no saint as you’ll find out soon enough but I think I’ve got a good heart.

Let’s call my bf Charles, so me and Charles haved lived literally in the same room since the pandemic started. Obviously we had to go stay with my parents for a bit because uni kicked us out because of covid, and then we moved into a shared student house with our other mutual friends. Let’s call them Andy and Joseph for now. I’ve was housemates with Andy and Joseph from first year, and Andy did the same course as me and we were basically best friends. Living together with Charles during the pandemic, I saw the extent of his obsession with gaming and his PC. Now I get that boys will be boys and some of them love gaming but I’d never seen it to this extent. He’d literally wake up and go straight on his PC and stay on there all day until we went back to sleep. We argued about this all the time, it was the main issue we had to begin with.

Then I noticed the pretty extreme anger problems which should of really been a huge red flag for me, whenever he lost a game he’d punch anything around him. He even broke a door in our current shared house because of a game lol. He showed his true colours, one minute he was this sweet caring vunerable boy who needed caring for and the next he was this nasty asshole spitting venom at me and then ignoring me for hours because of his PC. I felt really trapped but tried my best to make it work.

Here is where things get fucked.

We moved into our current shared home and honestly our relationship was on the rocks, fighting all the time and I felt different compared to how I used to. But none the less it was a tricky situation and I did the best I could to deal with my emotions and move on and try and make things better. But then this shit started. I don’t even remember how it did honestly just one day I started seeing Andy differently, I’d look at him and think about our friendship and how he made me so happy and how he made me laugh. I’d imagine being with him and started getting feelings, I tried to fight them for months and pushed them away but when you go to every lecture with a person and see them basically everyday it’s hard.

Then, to make matters worse. Me and Andy went to the student union for a drink once after a lecture and he randomly admits that the time between my ex dumping me and me getting with Charles he liked me and wanted to ask me out. I was shocked. But also so happy to hear it honestly. Then we got home and I was super drunk and I tried to kiss him. He pied me basically, but that made sense because my bf was his best friend. He then went and told Charles, out of fear of getting beaten up. Fair enough, still shit though for me because obviously it opened a whole new can of worms for argument fuel between me and Charles.

I thought about that night for weeks afterwards and thought I’d come up with a good plan of how to move forward but also have the freedom to explore my feelings for Andy without hurting Charles. Because honestly that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do, but to be fair even before any of this I’d found him chatting to other girls on snapchat a fair amount of times. Doesn’t excuse me though.

I suggested me and Charles try a polyamourous relationship with Andy and to my surprise Charles said we could give it a go. He’d basically share me with Andy but he set a firm boundary saying I couldn’t sleep with him. At first everything was going great. I have no words to describe what it felt like to be able to kiss Andy and be with him like that, to touch him and have him touch me. It was electric. It felt good, but I wasn’t without guilt obviously. I would literally make myself sick with stress from the situation.

I never really knew where Andy stood with it all, he had always been the type of guy to hide his emotions and be super confusing. I didn’t want to freak him out by being too forward with stuff. But my feelings were very strong for him, I never really knew if I was ever more than just a girl he was kissing honestly. Sounds kinda dirty but I used to love listening to him....yanno...finish. When I was doing stuff to him, he was super vocal and it was super hot. Then it went to shit. Andy pulled me into our spare room one day (we’d literally been doing stuff for like a week) and he said he couldn’t do stuff with me anymore because he felt too bad for Charles. Which I get but dude...we finally get the chance to be together like that and you throw it away? Maybe I’m just being selfish. I was just so happy and felt like a teenager again. So it all stopped. Until it didn’t.

Never in my life would I of thought that what happened next would of happened. I always thought cheating was disgusting and I’d never do that to somebody. Until I was in the situation myself. My relationship was basically over and I was sick of not being able to feel the way I felt with Andy. So....I cheated. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t guilt free, but damn. It first happened on campus in a recording studio. I’ll never forget it honestly. He asked if we were okay and then I said I missed doing stuff, he agreed. Then I said I wanted to do stuff again, and he said he did aswell. So we went for it, it was so hot and it sounds terrible but I wouldn’t take it back. Whenever we kissed it felt like...only way to describe it, watch the film Scott Pilgrim vs The World and find the scene where Scott kisses Ramona for the first time that’s what it felt like. I’d never felt that before, ever. But as I said before, Andy is so confusing he could of felt the same or nothing I have no clue.

There was this other time when we were actually in our shared house, and I pushed him up against the wall downstairs in the dark and kissed him, that felt so crazy too! Then the unthinkable happens, I find Charles talking to girls on snapchat again and....we break up. I waste no time in sleeping with Andy, it sounds bad but you have to know how long I’d been thinking about this. And jesus it didn’t disappoint. The first time we fucked was probably some of the best sex I’ve ever had. Granted there was a kids christmas film playing in the background but who cares, it was insane and lasted like 2 hours... We did have sex the following morning aswell if I remember rightly, but we were sober and hungover so it wasn’t as good but still.

Then Christmas came around, Andy went home to his friends and family and I was stuck in a house with Charles, we made up and I told him everything that had happened between Andy and I. You can imagine how well that went. Me and Charles got back together after everything, dunno what I was thinking honestly. But he now hated Andy’s guts and wanted to murder him. The atmosphere in the house was ruined and all messed up because Andy was scared of running into Charles and getting beaten up and Charles wanted to kill Andy if he ever heard his use the loo.

Eventually they patch things up, which leads us to where we are now. 2022, they are friends again and me and Andy are done. Kinda. I asked him if he still thinks about what we did and he said he did. We both agreed we missed it but didn’t want to cheat again, so we agreed to hold hands sometimes so we can do something without feeling super guilty. But heres my issue, after this tenancy is over in this house, Andy is moving back home and either I live alone and have an open relationship with Charles (or he leaves and I never see him again) but I can be with Andy again or I move in with Charles and probably never see Andy again and that chapter is done.